#im going nuts I am going absolutely insane I can’t stop thinking

[skoulsons]

“It’s wasn’t time that did it…”

It was you. Oh, was it you. Time by itself didn’t heal anything. My time with you is what did. Growing with you. That instinct that I had so early turning to genuine care and protection for you, not vines growing from the roots of my trauma anymore. It was for you. How you wiggled your way in, somehow. Through the walls I thought I’d fortified so many years ago. How I attempted suicide because I couldn’t take it anymore. How I thought nothing could bring me back from a place like that. And then you, some pun-obsessed kid who swears like a sailor, can’t help but be snarky, and stronger than I ever gave you credit for, came in and pulled me out. Your stupid puns, incessant questions, incredible stubbornness, and your stupidly adorable smile. Everything about you, from the second we met, has brought me out, little by little

[midnightsnyx]

Consequences - Matthew Tkachuk: part 6

summary: you absolutely hate Matthew Tkachuk so it’s just your luck when you wind up pregnant with his child. 

a/n: well... here it is lol 2(or 3?) weeks late. sorry for the wait, this chapter was just a bitch to write and every time i thought i was done, i wasn’t happy with it & i didn’t wanna post just for the sake of posting. but i stayed up until 2 a.m. to finish this, so technically it is sunday so im posting on schedule lol

im not sure how many parts are left to this story, maybe two or three + an epilogue but i haven’t decided yet. 

also, this gif made me feel things 😂

word count: 2.1k (i wish they were longer too but im doing the best i can😩)

warnings: none other than a couple swear words

Part 6

29 weeks

“What are you doing?”

“Researching how to murder someone and get away with it.” You mutter, typing where to buy a tiger in Google.

Becca gives you a wary look and sits next to you. “Everything okay?”

“No!” You groan in frustration, tossing your phone on the coffee table. “Matthew is driving me insane.”

She frowns. “Is he being an ass?”

“He’s being nice. Too nice.” You grumble, ignoring when Becca chuckles. “It’s like he’s trying to make up for missing the doctor’s appointment even though I told him I forgive him.”

Becca raises an eyebrow at you and you try to ignore her pointed look. “Do you though?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” You ask defensively.

“You’re different around him now and I’m sure he’s noticed. It’s like you don’t trust him.”

You start to deny her accusation but stop to think about it. Were you more cautious around Matt lately? You certainly didn’t let yourself depend on him for things that you had been before, too afraid that he would let you down. You wanted to, but there was a nagging voice in the back of your mind reminding you that he’s let you down before and there’s always a chance he will again.

It’s as if Becca can read your mind because she shrugs. “You should be honest with him.”

However, something you’ve learned recently is that too much honestly can get you in trouble.

. . .

Sending Matt a text that said we need to talk, probably wasn’t the best approach because it took him approximately fifteen minutes to show up at your apartment and his is a half hour drive away from yours.

So his windblown hair and wide eyes really weren’t a surprise when you opened your front door.

“So, I think I should have worded that text a little better.”

“You think?” He huffs, walking past you when you step aside. He doesn’t even bother to take his shoes or jacket off, walking straight to the living room and turning to look at you.

“I’m sorry. For whatever I did.” He says and you groan.

“That’s the problem! Stop being sorry for things. It’s driving me nuts.”

He frowns and looks at you in confusion. “So… you don’t want me to be sorry for things?”

“I don’t want you to not be sorry for things, I just want you to stop being sorry for everything. It’s like you’re walking on eggshells around me.”

“I’m just trying to make-”

“Make up for missing the appointment.” you say, finishing his sentence. “I know.” your hand falls to your stomach and you sigh. “We’re going to be parents in less than three months. We need to start trusting each other.”

Matt slowly walks over to you and reaches out for your hand which you let him hold. His thumb rubs across the back of it and he nods.

“You’re right.”

You grin and lightly punch his shoulder with your free hand. “Of course I am. When am I ever wrong?”

He smiles, pulling you in for a hug and pressing a kiss to the top of your head. You ignore the way it makes your heart race because the last thing you need right now is your feelings for him to get even more confusing when you’re both finally on the same page.

Things are good now and you can’t risk messing it up.

. . .

31 weeks

He’s like a kid in a candy store, you’ve realized as you follow Matt around buy buy BABY. He has two carts, one already stocked full of things and the other slowly being filled. You stopped keeping count of how much everything costed an hour ago because the number started to make you queasy.

“He has enough clothes, Matty.” You whine, taking note of how Matt trips over his feet when you call him by that nickname. “and he’ll grow out of them before he even gets a chance to wear them.”

“Last one, I swear.” He says, holding up an outfit. “C’mon, how fucking cute is he going to look in this?”

“If his first word is a swear word, I’m going to kill you.” You mutter, taking the outfit from him and tossing it in the cart. Matt just grins and rests a hand on your stomach, hoping the baby will kick.

“How’s Joey?”

“Grayson is doing just fine.”

“We’re never going to come to an agreement on a name, are we?” he asks and you smile sweetly.

“Nope.”

He laughs and starts walking towards the checkouts.

“Did my mom tell you that they’re coming to visit?” He asks and you nod, recalling your conversation with Chantal. She’d called you first to make sure you were okay with the entire Tkachuk clan showing up. She knows how stressful pregnancy is and didn’t want to overwhelm you.

But you were ecstatic when she asked if it was okay for them to visit. You’ve grown to depend on her for any pregnancy questions over the past seven months and even when you needed some regular advice for everyday things, you sometimes texted her.

“Yeah, it’s Wednesday, right?”

Matt nods, smiling politely at the cashier as he starts loading every thing on the conveyor belt. You can tell that she’s a hockey fan by the way her eyes light up when she recognizes who he is.

“I’ve been meaning to ask if you can pick them up from the airport?” He asks, catching you off guard. “Their plane lands around noon and I won’t be back until later that night and I don’t really want them to have to take a cab.”

You’re a little surprised that he’s asking you to do this instead of paying someone or asking a close friend to do it instead. It’s an odd feeling, realizing that he trusts you with his family.

“Yeah, I’d love to.” You tell him and his smile warms you to the bone.

. . .

You show up to the airport forty-five minutes early because you can’t decide if you should wait in the SUV for Matt’s family, or meet them in the airport. Would it be weird to wait for them inside like you would with your own friends or family? You double check your phone to make sure that Matt did tell them it was you picking them up because how weird would it be if they were expecting him only to find you waiting.

You’re definitely over thinking it but you find yourself standing at the gates when their plane lands.

Chantal is the first person you see and her face lights up and she scurries over to you, pulling you in for a soft hug.

“Oh, look at you!” She gushes, taking your hands in hers and holding you at arms length. “You’re glowing.”

Glowing isn’t exactly the word you would use because as much as you tried to look nice to pick them up, you’re still seven months pregnant, sweating because of the jacket you have on and most definitely are wearing odd shoes because you can no longer see your feet and Matt wasn’t here to check for you.

But you blush nonetheless, letting Keith, Taryn, and Brady hug you before starting to walk to baggage claim.

“Thank you for picking us up.” Chantal says and you smile.

“It’s nothing,” you say, brushing it off. “You’ve done a lot for me.”

“Anything I can do to help. I know how hard it is being pregnant with your man travelling a lot.”

You want to correct her when she calls Matt your man, but you don’t want to be impolite so you just nod.

“Speaking of your man,” Brady says in a teasing voice, “what time does he get in, again?”

“Around 8.” You say, ignoring the teasing tone and changing the subject to ask Taryn how school is going. You know you’ll hear more comments about the nature of your relationship with Matt from his brother but for now, you chat with Taryn and Chantal about plans for the baby.

. . .

Matt gave you a key to his apartment when you both realized that you spent more time at his these days then you did at your own so you don’t miss the knowing looks Chantal and Keith share when you use your key to unlock Matt’s apartment. You know they can tell it’s your key and not Matt’s because he painted it your favourite colour when he gave it to you.

“So do we get a sneak peak of the nursery?” Taryn asks hopefully and you nod, gesturing for her to follow you. Matt turned one of the guest rooms in to the nursery in his apartment. You haven’t done anything with yours yet because you and Matt were starting to wonder if after the baby is born, at least for a little while, the two of you should just live together. It would certainly make things much easier.

“It’s beautiful.” Chantal says, and you can see her eyes watering a little.

“We’re going to put up letters spelling his name above the crib.”

“Oh yeah, have you guys decided on a name yet?” Keith asks, testing the sturdiness of the crib by wiggling it a little.

“No.” You mutter. “We can’t agree on anything.”

“You’ll find something you both love eventually.” Chantal reassures you. “Now, please tell me my son has food in his fridge, because I’m going to cook dinner.”

You grin, realizing that she too knows how bad Matt is at keeping his fridge stocked. Before you started spending so much time here, you would be lucky if he had eggs in the fridge.

. . .

Matt arrives home just as dinner is cooked and you get to witness what a typical Tkachuk night must look like. There’s lots of chirps thrown but you can tell how close this family is and how much they care about each other. Especially when it comes to Matt and his mom and sister. He treats them like gold and it warms your heart to see it.

After dinner, you volunteer to clean up and you’re surprised when Keith offers to help. You’ve only spoken to him a few times before today and you don’t feel as close to him as you do with Chantal so it’s quiet while the two of you clear up the dishes.

Keith breaks the silence after a couple minutes, turning to look at you.

“I know Matthew can be a handful… but don’t give up on him, okay?”

You’re surprised to hear this coming from Keith because you were truthfully expecting Taryn or Brady to say something about it. Every time you and Matthew touched or spoke to each other, you noticed the knowing looks and soft smiles from the other Tkachuk family members.

It was like they knew something that neither you nor Matthew did.

You’re not sure what exactly to say so you just nod.

“I won’t.” You promise, realizing that you truly mean it.

[missjackil]

My Diary to the SPN Finale

Day 4. 

I overslept my alarm and was almost late for work. Normally. I have a terrible time staying asleep. Most of you who message me know Im up at 4am sometimes. My life is very stressful so its very hard to sleep, so when I wake up at 4am I always put the boys on, watch one or 2 episodes and go back to sleep/ Last night and the night before however, I slept straight through and past my alarm. “This is great!” one may think, but I spent all day exhausted anyway. What I think is happening, is that even though my body is too tense to rest, it knows to spend an hour or 2 with the boy's won't help. 

I went to work, forgot what I was doing a bunch of times, and forgot how to do some things I've done a bunch of times. I have to make up excuses, I can't say “My fav show is ending and I'm devastated” or people will think I'm nuts. 

At work, all I want to do is come home. But at home, my kids are breaking my heart, my pets are making me insane, and my house is falling apart, and my “security blanket” now feels like jagged sandpaper on my heart.

I'm not a drug user, nor much of a drinker (socially at best) but how stupid is it, that now I want to do both?  Im actually jealous now of those who can drink or pop enough pills to be numb. My vice is smoking. Yesterday I lit a smoke when I left work and a customer said “That shit will kill you” and I answered “I sure hope so”  Im going to give you all a little background history of me, Its ok if you stop reading now, but follow along if you dare😳

Im 52 and have had clinical depression my entire life. At the very least since I was 4. I dont know how it started but its been there as long as I can remember. needless to say my childhood sucked. Anything that could go wrong did. Im terminally single, unattractive, and perpetually poor even though Ive gone to college twice and have 3 degrees. Ive had 4 failed suicide attempts, my first was when I was 12 and ate 30 +\- asprin which only gave me bleeding ulcers and liver damage and 2 years of therapy that was worthless.

In Jan 2014, my life changed. I came into a good sized inheritance from an uncle who was a retired Army Sgt (mujch more about that I dont know other than he fought in Korea) and was left $50,000. (as were each of my sisters) I didnt go nuts and spend this right away, my daughter, father, and I were living in a decent apartment and  was saving it for a down payment on a house. My sisters all used their money to pay off their mortgages and other bills. I was looking for a nice house to buy, but even with $50K I wasnt sure I could handle the property taxes and utilities that had been previously covered by my landlord. My father decided that stairs were no longer something he could handle, so he moved in with my younger sister, so decided that I would just pay a lot of up front rent on our apt and stay there a few more years, but no, the landlord informed us they were selling in 3 months and there was no guarentee the buyer would want to rent out our unit. 

Then my car died, which was what was getting my daughter and I back and forth to work. Now I have to dip into the money and get a car. I got a $7000 used car that we shared and as soon as the warrenty was up, everything failed. After spending $2000 for repairs and it was still falling apart, I get another one... cheaper this time, but hey, it runs. 

Time goes by, we have 30 days to move out, as predicted, the buyer didnt want to rent our unit out, he wanted to move his mother in. So now Im scrambling to find something to move into in 30 days I find a trailer that seemed like it would be a good fit for just me and my dauhter, lots of room, 2 bathroom a nice yard. Im just about to buy said trailer and the park informs me its been sold because a buyer offered cash. Im like “Ummm I have cash too!” and theyre like “oh.... we were unaware.... but hey we have another one for you” and this one is much smaller, but a newer model so it wont need as much work. With 2 weeks left to move, I reluctantly take it. Now, we move, but with no one and I mean absolutely NO ONE to help us, we left 90% of our belongings in our old apartment because we cant lift shit and neither of us could rent a truck, we only brought what we could carry out. and I had to spend the rest of the money on furnature. Of course I lost my security deposit and also had to pay an additional $2000 for “clean up” of my old apt. 

Fast forward to March 1 2015, Im back to broke but still working my ass off. My dryer is broke, my AC and heater, the back door has been leaking quietly for so long you cant step within 2 feet from it or youll go through the floor. Theres a crack in my bathtub that has leaked under the house and is causing my back yard to slowly sink. My daughter works and together we can afford the lot ren, utilities and food. Nothing extra though. We were saving to start fixing things but trying to decided what was most important, and what was most costly. The dryer is cheapest, the leaky tub and sinkling yard is the most expensive but HAS to be done at some poijnt. I buy space heaters and wall unit ACs but that gives me $300 electric bills LOLOL. However I am introduced to SPN and these wonderful boys that I love instantly, and gives me an escape. Helps keep me sane. 

We get things almost together, then suddenly, my father died from the flu Feb 1st 2018. This day was the worst day of my life, it was also the night Various and Sundary Villians aired and after all the tears with my sisters and trying to get arrange,ents made, ALL I could think of was coming home and just escaping into my boys for a while. And I did, and it was a blessing. However, within a couple months, my younger sister and I are hit with my dads bills. Hospital bills, credit cards, car payments on a H3 Hummer he bought a few months before. My older sisters didnt get hit with this because they’re his step children, just my younger sister and I do. $30,000 of debt split between my younger sister and I. I havent been able to pay on any of it because they dont give me any option for low payments. Its like “$1500 by whatevermonth 30th or we take you to court” My sister is handling it ok because her husband makes $$$ but not enough to help me too. So, right now Im just keeping my house heated and my kid and I fed and my lot rent paid. Soon my wages will be garnished and I wont have that either and it will be all on my daughter. Now, my escape, the last thing in my whole world I enjoy is ending. So yes.... Im hurting. 

[sevi007]

THE VALENTINE BROTHERS SEVI. I DIDNT THINK THAT JAN WAS SO /gestures/ THAT IN THE REAL SERIES BUT HE IS AND IM DYING. The freaking, Konami code. I'm so happy. And WALTER, BEING A BADASS YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS Poor Seras tho..... Her bed ;u; give the girl her bed back.... (This has turned into a spam live blogging I'm so sorry;;)

Okay so I’m on episode 5 since ive been binging so hard and I am a concern its all gone to hell Sevi. London is fucked and i am worried about walter hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. vanwinke was really great tho. Also why does the scythe wielding person have to be a Nazi they’re so hot /sobs/             

HOLY CRAP THE MASSIVELY UNIMPRESSED LOOK ON INTEGRA’S FACE AS ANDERSON AND HIS CREW GO NUTS HAS ME SOBBING. Integra for biggest bamf alive holy he’ll. They’re a going nuts and shes just ‘having fun there I’m guessing?’ With the most bored and unimpressed expression. What a legend

Okay so has Maxwell always been this insane. Like. He’s literally starting a new crusade to murder all the people ever like. Im. The only one around him with any sanity is the little bowl cut kid that give him the papers. Alucard on that ship has me mentally singing back in black. He’s coming back to start a party. Also Integra giving zero fucks has me living. The cigar scene is so hilarious. They fear her power, too strong. And JFC ANDERSON, SAVAGELY BURNED YOUR OWN PEOPLE HOLY CRAP.     

Holy only did the scythe person invest all their skill points in illusion magic or something omg. And my girl Seras being the biggest BADASS!!!            

I now rescind what I said aboud the scythe person. No longer hot and I’m no longer sad that theyre a naiz. Rest in hell you sack of garbage. Stupid ass hand magic. You did my girl, and pip dirty. Also also, me @ this series in general: go to hell you did not need to do that to my soul. Why did you make me love these mercs and then do this to me. Why. Pip…. Why are you so loveable… I am also even more concerned about walter (I’m on ep 7 btw)      

Yep scythe person opinion is infinity rescinded. Gonna stab them personally.   

I am not okay. PIP YOU ASSHOLE WHAT THE HELL WHY. YOU JUST HAD TO GO FOR THE KISS TO MAKE THINGS EVEN MORE PAINFUL   

Oh wow Seras has a berserker rage mode holy shit and FUCKING DAMMIT PIP YOU GOOD MAN I HATE AND LOVE YOU YOU DEUS EX LAST SECOND AAAAAGGGGRRRRAASSSGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS SERIES IS KILLING ME                

 Maxwell is really just murdering everyone eh? While the major stand like a conductor on his blimp. I cannot wait until our home group turns them into mulch.                            

WHAT THE FUCK WHAT DID THEY DO TO WALTER WHAT DID THEY DO AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA        

Holy shit one million respect points to Anderson for calling Maxwell out on his shit. What the hell I love Anderson so much he’s such a good. ALSO THE BOY IS BACK IN TOWN THE BOY IS BACK IN TOWN /guitar solo/ It’s all gone insanse and im having the best and worst time hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhb       

Oh man shits getting real Alucard is about to to absolutely beast mode I can feel it. He’s saying the bird of Hermes stuff             

OH BABY HE HAS PEOPLE BACK FROM THE DEAD WHAT HOT DAMN IT’S ALL GONE INSANSE ALUCARD HAS EATEN SO MANY PEOPLE OMG. WHAT THE SHIT HES SO HOT NOW. You know I should have seen this twist coming, his real identity and all but like. They’re so different wtf. This has gone off the rails in the best of ways                 

Wow Maxwell’s death… Almost hurt????? Damn dude. Also Anderson is just. Really good. I love him so much now.    

Damn this fight between alucard and Anderson is so good holy shit and they’re having such fun it looks like??? This is so fun I’m loving it. Anderson has gone a bit nuts tho. And I have a bad feeling          

I MUST REITERATE, WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO WALTER. WHAT THE FUCK. NO.    

They should rename Anderson to the human slap chop at this rate. He’s so determined it’s incredible. AND HIS BACKUP STAYED AWWWWWWWWWW Aannnd I think they’re naruto running I am sobbing over this. Also i wanna punch the major in the face. Make him eat my fist.         

What the actual fuck is happening I don’t. I’m so confused and upset Sevi. Why did this have to happen. (Okay one episode to go I think)    

Everything has gone incredibly wrong and I don’t like it. Alucard and Seras are on fire and Anderson has just done whatever the fuck he did???? AND NOW ALUCARD HAS JUST GONE BEAST MODE??? I CAN’T. THIS SERIES NEEDS TO CALM DOWN.    

NO ALUCARD IS SOBBING NOW WHY BOO. DAMMIT ANDERSON WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DO THIS. ALUCARD IS A DEPRESSED ASSHOLE ANDERSON STOP TAUNTING HIM. THIS SERIES NEEDS TO STOP HURTING ME                             

WHAT THE FUCK WHY ANDERSON STOP THIS YOU’RE HURTING ME       

I am in pain     

WALTER WHAT THE FUCK       

FUCKING NAZIS BRAINWASHED WALTER OR WHATEVER I’M SO MAD

JFC WALTER WHAT KIND OF ATTITUDE ARE YOU COPPING NOW YOU BITCH   

WALTER WHAT THE SHIT ARE YOU DOING, WHY HAVE YOU TURNED INTO AN EDGY MURDRY EMO          

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW    

 Man Integra and Seras are a pair of badasses. I’m so set for them to kill the major. Also the high coat guy intrigues me. I wanna know what his deal is. Is he a werewolf. I feel like he is. Also what’s up with that long ass pistol. That can’t be practical. YEP HE IS A WOLF THINGY I WAS RIGHT. Alucard is just summoning a tsunami of blood now. Alrighty then. And now I am worried since the major is happy about that.

Oh damn the captain guy is a big ass wolf. And also, I am very concern about Alucard. PIP YOU BACK FROM THE DEAD AGAIN JACKASS I LOVE YOU GO BEST TAG TEAM EVER!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

THE CAPTAIN IS HELPING HIS FOES WHAT. THIS WOLF MAN IS SO STRANGE I LIKE HIM

PIP MANIFESTED????? THE FUCK???? IM???? AND THE WOLF GUY WAS HAPPY TO DIE????? IM???????? SHIT?????? THIS HURTS?????

Wow cheating asshole major with his glass box. I want him to die. AND HE’S GONNA DO WHAT?????? OH FUCK THE CAT GUY I AM A FRIGHTEN

I am so worried and don’t like this.

Wow now I feel kinda bad for Walter. I mean, I’m still mad at him but. I want to major to die. Can I stab him. Please

OH BOY I DON’T LIKE THIS

Oh no he’s stuck in different realities now isn’t he fuck

Oh no    

HAH AT LEAST THE DOCTOR DIED. GET FUCKED. Fuck did they desecrate a woman’s bones I am so lost now. I am too tired for this. DAMMIT WALTER STOP MAKING ME FEEL THINGS YOU ASS. I need to lay down this hurts too much. Everyone’s dead and I am in pain. And kinda nauseous from it. OH SHIT THAT ONE VATICAN PERSON WHO WAS SHOT DIDN’T DIE. SJDJDJSJSISUD INTEGRA LYING TO PENWOODS GRANDSON IM DYING. Fuck I am in pain. And-FUCKER IS HE BACK. STOP TOYING WITH ME SERIES. STOP THIS. I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD                                                                                                                                                             

Okay, so, for people wondering: That were 41 asks right there. Quick apology to mobile users, but I had to collect all these, this, this is awesome. Ti, you mad person, did you freaking watch all of the series in one sitting?! XD I love you dude. I just had the time of my life reading through this.

To point a few things out in answer to this:

1) Integra is the most badass in this entire series, you got that absolutely right

2) Walter was NOT brainwashed, a fact he was very adamant about. He decided on his very own that he wanted to betray Hellsing so that he would get a fair chance in fighting Alucard (something he had wanted to do for fifty years) since he’s a vampire hunter and Alucard is THE vampire, and Walter just… misses the battlefield? After staying a simple Butler for all this time. Millenium merely gave him vampire powers so he could revert to younger years so that he may have a chance fighting Alucard.

3) Yes you may stab the Major, go for it

4) The captain wanted to die, so he helped Seras and Pip out by giving them silver (kills werewolves) and laughing in his death. It seems as if he was immortal otherwise and had little chance to disobey Millenium, so he took the only way out he had.

5) The woman’s bones you see there in the end is Mina Harker, a character from Bram Stoker’s Dracula. Apart from Seras, she’s the only known woman Alucard ever turned into a vampire - also important to note that he loved her, to whatever degree he is able to. Because she drank his blood (which stayed active inside of her even after her friends somehow managed to turn her human again), it’s the only DNA of Dracula / Alucard that Millenium could get their hands on. They used that Alucard-DNA to make copies and clones of Alucard (all the vampire / ghoul soldiers you saw) and to enhance their other fighters (Rip van Winkle, the scythe guy, even Walter himself).

Ti I absolutely love you, this was such a rollercoaster from start to finish. XD Increasing amount of Caps Lock means you reached the end of the series. *nod*

[vitalpen]

A Government Investigation Pt 2

(Hi again.  I’ve made the decision that I’m going with three parts because otherwise this’d be really long.  Given the timeframe provided by @squigglydigglydoo , Nixon’s in office and won’t be for much longer, the Vietnam war is becoming a very obvious lost cause, and the Cold War continues to keep everyone nervous of impending nuclear doom.  Previously, we had CIA agent Larry Lockart coming to Henry’s house to investigate the toons.  After encounters with both Boris and Alice, Henry sat him down and told him the story.  And so it continues.  Side note: This exceprt will now be in pt 3)

So the tale was spun. For the better part of an hour, Larry was told a detailed story of a man who lost his mind and turn to actual satanic rituals to create a world apart from their own, one where the cartoons walked, breathed, and lived like normal humans, and how his own power fantasies ended up being the end of him.  It went long enough that Boris ended up finishing the lawn and joining them.

By the time it was done, Larry was dazed, overwhelmed by the amount of unbelievable events he’d just been told.  He had to take a moment to collect himself, run things through his head again.  “Boy, I really asked for it, didn’t I?”  The agent finally managed to get out.

“You wanted the story,” Ross replied with an air of satisfaction.

Larry nodded slowly.  “Yes, I did,” he stood up and stretched a little, “but I was expecting science fiction, not fantasy.”

“We’re here aren’t we?” Alice spoke up to defend the tale.

“That’s true, that’s very true.”

“Do you believe it?” Ross asked.

Larry looked back to Alice, then to Boris, “The fact that I can’t confidently and immediately say ‘no’ is one of the most interesting and infuriating things I think I’ve ever experienced.”  He sat back down, folding his hands on the table.  “What you’ve just told me is absolutely insane, and I’m an idiot for even entertaining the possibility that it’s true.  But I staunchly believe that in too great a number, coincidences start becoming patterns.  This Ink Machine matches up decently to the list of tracked purchases we have connected to Mr. Drew.  The timeframes fit too.  The story explicitly accounts for the disappearances of Sammy Lawrence, Norman Polk, Susie Campbell, and Joey Drew, and can implicitly account for all the others.  But the key thing that keeps me from dismissing it all in an instant is the living proof we’ve got here with us.  They alone give a lot more credence to the rest of it.”  He leaned back.  “However, there’s a key piece here that’s missing.”

“Really, what’s that, pal?”

Larry flinched, both surprised and unsurprised by the voice.  Surprised in that he hadn’t expected it, unsurprised in that he knew exactly who it was the moment he heard it.  He had to be around 5 years old the first time he’d heard it, and around 16 the last time.  There were no crackles and pops alongside it though, it was clear as day, and right behind him.

He hadn’t heard the star of the show come in, nor had he noticed him take a seat on the counter, but when Larry turned around, there he was, completing the triumvirate of nostalgia.

Bendy, the Little Devil Darling, himself.

“Well, speak of the devil,” was all he managed to get out.

“Heh, cute,” the imp hopped off the counter and stuck his hand out.  “Pleased to meetcha, pal, I’m Bendy, Bendjammin if ya feelin’ formal.”

Larry took the hand and gave a hardy shake, “Lawrence.  That’s funny, I didn’t know Bendy was short for anything.”

“That’s cuz it ain’t,” the toon didn’t miss a beat, “always liked how it sounded, though.”

That pulled a laugh out of the agent, though whether it was the joke, or finally succumbing to being star struck, he couldn’t say.  “Ain’t that something.”

“Don’t I know it.  So Larry, what was that piece of the puzzle you were missin?”

“I’d hazard that you’ve got a fairly decent idea of who it might be,” he replied with a grin.

Every movement the toon made oozed shownmanship; the overacted way he crossed arms over his torso and held his head in one hand, tapping his cheek thoughtfully, to the gasp of shocked realization, to the agonizingly slow, shy way he looked back up at Larry, pointing to himself and squeaking out, “Me?”

“Mm-hmm,” Larry, unable to keep a smile off his face, gave Henry a raised eyebrow.  The animator sighed with a smile of his own.

Bendy clapped his hands to his cheek and gasped, looking like he was about to cry, “This is so unexpected!”

“Alright, alright, that’s enough schmaltz,” Henry ushered, earning him a pout from the imp.

“Oh, I don’t know, I was entertained,” Larry chuckled, blaming his urge to defend the toon on a fulfilled childhood fantasy.

Bendy’s smile returned in a flash, “Henry, I like this guy.  He’s got a good head on his shoulders.”

“Only because he doesn’t live with you,” Ross replied with exaggerated annoyance.  

“Or work with him,” Alice chimed in, smirking at Bendy.

“Hey,” the imp pointed an accusatory finger at her, “I am a joy to work with, ask anybody.”

“You’re talking about the times when you actually cooperate, right?”  Alice countered.

Bendy harrumphed and turn his lack-of-a-nose up at her, “That’s just part of my charm.”

“Charm, hmm?” Alice leaned forward with a taunting smile.

“Now, Agent Lockart,”  Henry interrupted the two before the schtick went on too long, “you had some more questions?”

Realizing he was once more the center of attention, Larry quickly stifled his giggles and cleared his throat.  “Yes, there were a few.  Assuming I believe everything you’ve told me, and the jury is still out there, what are they capable of now?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you see all sorts of impossible things in cartoons.  Things that’d make any physics nut at NASA want to hang himself.”

“When it comes to the phyiscal properties,” Henry spoke easily and confidently, “they can redistribute their body mass, stretch, smear, things like that.  But when it comes to physics, nothing that human beings can’t do,” Henry replied matter-o-factly.

”Yep,” Bendy confirmed with a nod, “ya ain’t gonna see me pulling a hammer that’s bigger than me out from behind my back.”

“Shame; must make punchlines harder to land, eh?”

“You’re tellin’ me, now we gotta rely on,” he shuddered, “wit.” The word was spoken with overdramatized disdain.

“It was a real setback when we realzed he never developed any,” Alice ribbed.

Bendy squinted at her, “Think you’re a comedian huh?”

“Pays for one of us to be, at least.”  The angel shrugged.

“So no more superhuman abilities, huh?”  Larry interjected, making a note of it in his notebook.  “I think that’s for the best.”

The last statement caught Henry’s attention and he raised an eyebrow.  “Why’s that?”

“Yeah, afraid we’re gonna muss things up?”  Bendy prodded.

“Quite the contrary. That kind of thing can have a lot of potential in... certain areas of the world.”  He looked to Henry, locking eyes with the man.

It took a moment, but the animator’s eyes narrowed in a sudden surge of anger, “No, absolutely not.”

“Agreed,” the agent replied bluntly.  “I fancy myself a patriot, but I say keep the propaganda to the cartoons, not real life.”

“I’ll leave those to other studios, I’ve got better things to make,” Ross replied pointedly.  Made sense coming from a shell-shocked vet.

“The point being,” Larry clarified, “if the bloodhounds in Washington caught wind of something we have that the Reds don’t, they wouldn’t stop until they had it.”

“Then you’ll tell them there’s nothing here,” the words were more than a suggestion, but Larry let it go.

“So far, that seems to be the gist of it.  Now,” he shifted in his chair, “I was wondering if I might have some time with each of them alone.”

“No.” Ross’s reply came out like a reflex.

Larry sighed, seemed as though he’d finally found the brick wall.  “Mr. Ross, you clearly care about these three, and I can respect that.  But if you’re with them the entire time I’m talking to them, they’re going to censor themselves and I can’t have that.”

“That isn’t my problem. I am not leaving them alone with you.” His eyes were unwavering.

Larry sighed and stood up, walking around the table and right up to the man.  “Ross, let me be very clear.  If the story you told me got out, whether or not people believed it, Joseph McCarthy himself would come back from the grave just to shut you down and confiscate all of them.  If my report isn’t comprehensive, if Washington think there’s a single stone I haven’t turned over, they’ll send someone else.”  He leaned in, “That someone else isn’t going to ask.”

Henry stood from his chair, coming chin-to-chin with Larry.  “You have my answer, Agent Lockart.”

“For Christ’s sake, they aren’t children, Ross!  If what you’ve told me is true, they’ve got memories spanning back year.  You can play parent, but they’ve got a right to independence.  Let them choose.”

The words seemed to strike a chord.  The glare didn’t leave, but the jaw shifted.  Ross didn’t trust him, and that was fine, probably smart.  But Larry was their best shot at never hearing from Federal again.  Whether he liked it or not, his legacy was going to be built on the ashes of Joey Drew Studios, a place that already had McCarthiests ready to bust down the door.

Finally, Henry sighed and looked to the others.  At some point they had all huddled together and now they were whispering amongst themselves.  They paused and nodded in unison, then they all stepped forward, Alice in front, Bendy and Boris just behind her.

Alice nodded in agreement. “Henry, after everything you’ve done for us, let us do this for you.”  The other too nodded in support.

With all three agreed, Henry returned his attention to Larry.  “Fine, you’ll use the drawing room.”  With that, he stood up and walked out of the kitchen.  Larry followed him on a short walk down the hall.

The drawing room was exactly what it sounded like.  A cluttered mess of a room with a drawing desk on one wall and a score of drawings and artist’s tools all over the place.

Ross set up two chairs, “The door stays open.”  It was clear that this wasn’t up for negotiation.

Larry sighed, but didn’t fight it.  “Long as we’re not interrupted, I suppose that’s fine.  Now who’s first?”

“That’d be me, sir.” Boris stepped forward without hesitation.

Henry nodded, mostly to himself, then left the room.  Alice followed him.  Bendy lingered for a moment, looking like he wanted to say something, but eventually trailed after them.

“Which one would ya like, Mr. Lockart?”  Boris asked politely, indicating the chairs.

It seemed a superfluous choice to the agent, but he found himself charmed that Boris still thought to give him the pick.  He was starting to understand why the old lady was fond of him.  “Doesn’t much matter to me, take the one that strikes your fancy, Boris.  And please, call me Larry.”

“Mighty kind, Larry,” Boris took his seat and Larry took the other.

“So, Boris, how was mowing the lawn?”

“Pretty alright, I suppose. Long as I get to her every week ‘r so, it don’t give me no trouble.”

“Good, good, I’m glad to hear.  You typically take lawn duty, then?”

“Yes sir.  Workin’ outdoors is some of my favorite chores.”

“Never heard of anyone having ‘favorite’ chores,” Larry chuckled.

“Well, I like helpin’ out. Feels good to do somethin’ kind for other people.  I even started doin’ it for Ol’ Miss Wimble next door,” Boris indicated with a thumb toward the wall.  Larry could only assume Miss Wimble was the one he’d me earlier.

“That’s quite gentlemanly of you,”

“Why thank you kindly.”

“My pleasure.  Now Boris, aside from yard work, how do you usually spend your free time?”

“Well, mostly, I go walkin’ around, shoot the breeze with Bendy or Alice, help Henry around the house and yard if he asks, go fishin’ or do some whittlin’ every once in a while, or I take a nap under the tree outside.”

“A wolf of simple tastes, I can respect that.  Lord knows I wish for a life like that.  Got any whittling projects right now?”

In response, Boris looked around for a moment and perked up his ears, checking for any eavesdroppers, then leaned in close, motioning for Larry to do the same.  “Now, don’t tell nobody, but I got a little somethin’ I’ve been workin on for a little while now.  I’m making everyone at the office their own little sculpture.”

“Everyone, himm?  I imagine that’s quite a few people.”

“Yes sir, but it don’t bother me none.  Once I got all of ‘em done, I’m gonna give everyone theirs at once, let ‘em know how grateful I am for everything they’re doin’ for us.”

Larry couldn’t help but feel a warm tingle in his heart toward the wolf, “Isn’t that swell.  How far along are you?”

“Well, I was almost done a few weeks ago.  But Henry hired a few new folks, so I had to take some time to get to know’em, that way I can make sure they get somethin’ real special too.”

“So when new people show up, you add them to the list?”

The wolf nodded his head, “Uh-huh.”

“You’re a standup guy, Boris, let no on tell you any different.”  He made a few notes with his pen, “Now, moving on from there, given that Bendy’s made his own, are you planning any public appearances?”

The wolf scratched his head thoughtfully, “Guess I gotta sometime, but I usually leave that stuff to Bendy.”

“I can understand that. The world can be a bit overwhelming. How do you feel about it, being in the real world I mean?”

It was another question Boris had to think about for a moment.  “Well, I ain’t gonna be dishonest with ya, it was awful scary for a little while.  Lot’s o’ the stuff we used to do didn’t work no more.  But Henry told us all from the start that he weren’t goin’ nowhere, he was with us till the end.  He started teachin’ us how to do a whole bunch o’ new stuff, and these days we’re all right as rain.”

“Henry’s quite the guy.”

Boris nodded energetically, “Sure is.  Henry’s probably one of the nicest fellas this side of anything.”

“He certainly has your respect.”

“Yessiree, Bob,” he replied proudly.

“Would you say you’d do just about anything for him?”

“Just about,” the wolf agreed with certainty.

Larry leaned forward a little, “What wouldn’t you do for him?”  They had to get here eventually.  The next few minutes weren’t going to be fun.  But Henry had influence over them, that much was clear. He had to see how significant it was.

“Well, I… hmm.”  Boris held his chin and rubbed it thoughtfully. After a moment, he nodded, confirming something to himself.  “I wouldn’t hurt nobody.”

His reply brought a good deal of relief with it.; Larry let go of a breath he didn’t know he was holding.  Good answer.  “Really? If Henry told you to, say, bite someone, you’d refuse?”

“Yessir, I would,” the answer was given with conviction.  “I ain’t never hurt nobody before and I ain’t gonna start now.”

Larry nodded, satisfaction blooming, and took down a few more notes.  “Boris, that’s a good strategy to live by.”

“Well, thank you, Larry, kind of you to say.”

“My pleasure.  Now I’ve got just one last question for you.” He leaned forward once more and looked the canine in his notched pupils.  “What do you think about war, Boris?”

The toon gave him a puzzled, slightly uncomfortable look.  “What do you mean?”

“What’s your opinion on it? Why do we do it, when is it necessary? Who’s fault is it?”

Boris wasn’t fond of the question; he shifted a little in his seat, and his pupils got just a little smaller.  “Well, I don’t know if I can say anything about it that nobody else has.”

“Oh, that’s fine.  Just tell me what you can say,” he encouraged.

The wolf took some more time to think, tapping his foot and saying “hmm” every few moments.  His ears twitched a little too.  “I think…” he began slowly, working hard to convert complicated thoughts into words.  “I think that if you go around hurtin’ people, then ya only got yourself to blame if ya get hurt back.  But I don’t think yer always gonna have a choice, especially if yer tryin’ to help someone else.”

Larry nearly laughed from the surge of warmth he felt.  What was it the Miss Wimble had said?  “Such a good boy”, was it?  She could say that again.  “Well, Boris, I think that’s plenty.  Henry’s lucky to have you.”

Boris’s face lit up with a smile, “Well, thanks for sayin’ so, Larry.”

“What’s say we head back to the kitchen?”  He made a short summary of all his notes, fairly confident in his conclusion.

Boris is wholly nonthreatening.  A good country boy with not a single mean bone in his body.  Any resources spent on further surveillance of him would be wasted and could used elsewhere to much greater effect.

[losingitforgood]

first blog post

hey guys! i have absolutely no followers yet, but that is okay. new to the tumblr game this time around. i’ve been a yoyo keto dieter, and when i stick to it i see results. i am a firm believer in eating fat to lose fat. carbs are oh so fucking good, but they make me feel oh so fucking bad. terrible digestive problems and bloating post carb intake- i just can’t do that to myself anymore, even though they taste so good. not to mention the insane water retention, yikes.

a little bit about me- im an early 20 something. i’ve lost about 40 pounds within the last year but my results have stalled. my highest weight was almost a whopping 210 pounds, and being only 5′3″, that was a lot of weight on my frame. a few weeks ago, I was weighing in at 170lbs and felt leaner- but fell off on my diet and workout regimen. i get content with how i look and just go nuts. this. always. happens. i’ve decided to stop this, and LOSE IT FOR GOOD! currently weighing at about 184, feeling terribly bloated and full all the time from all the carbs i’ve been eating. i am on day 2 of my keto diet so i expect to see the scale drop at least 10 pound within the first 2 weeks, just from water weight. i also expect to feel a lot better, and even look better from the loss of the water. my goal weight is 140, but i’m sure that will change as i get closer to that. my goal is not to be skinny, i just want to be strong. i really want to have a fit frame, not overly muscular, but.. fit thick! i think this will not only improve my physical health, but it will also improve my mental health as it really brings me down being overweight. that’s not me! i am not a glum person. i’m too blessed to be stressed, especially about something i can control. and i’m all about those positive vibes so i can have a positive life, cha feel? so...

i’ll be posting my daily macros and workouts as much as possible- time permitting. i’ll be sure to make at least 3-4 weekly updates to document my progress and keep myself on track. i’m in professional school so i’m uber busy, but i’m going to make sure i post! i figured, if i make a blog and you all are seeing what i’m doing and rooting for me too, it’ll be THAT much harder for me to just relapse and give up on myself after reaching milestones in progress as i always have done in the past. but the past is the past, my friends. and this is a new me. tacos, juice, chips, pizza, bread,... oooooo baby, delicious scrumptious bread, i love yall, but it’s time for me to get it right, get it tight!

join me as i drop my body fat percentage from 33.4% to 22% by december 2017. mark my words, it’s happening this time. i will not give up, this is it.. i’m #losingitforgood

xoxo

[lifescominguproses]

TJLC Thoughts

Ok so..... I know I’m not a TJLC blog (even though the only reason I come on tumblr nowadays is to look at the tag ha) but I need to vent and process...... because I literally feel like I’m going insane. So bear with me lovelies, (this shit’s gonna be long and probably full of grammatical errors).

I absolutely love Sherlock, have done for awhile, even though I didn’t get into it as soon as it came out. I knew about Johnlock and TJLC way before I started watching, and didn’t really think much of it at the time. Then.... (there’s always a but) it became everything. I was obsessed. I not only loved the show because of its mystery and brilliant writing/plot lines, but also because of the obvious, heart-wrenching, all-consuming love between Sherlock and John.

Of course I saw it. Of course I thought “how can these two brilliant characters not be totally and utterly in love with each other?” I’ll admit, sadly, that I was the only one in my family who saw it that way. Does that make me smarter than them in the context of watching the show? I have absolutely no idea. Because right now, in the lead up to TFP, I’ve never been so nervous, so unsure, and so disappointed.

Because, I’m now 99% convinced that the way we all saw it, was not the way the writers intended it to be seen at all. To us, it was obvious, they (JxS) were *in* love. Does anything else need to be said? Yes, yes it does. Although its a very ‘base - level’ example, I feel like I should point to the picture (randomly found, but felt extremely relevant to my poor obsessed brain).

Maybe this whole time we were looking *too* deep; reading into subtext when there really wasn’t any (although I’ll get to this in a minute, Moftiss you fucks.) This is essentially my first ‘meta’ so I’m just going to go ahead and ramble. Yes Johnlock is about friendship, and yes its even a romance. But in the context of the show, does it really matter which one prevails? Can’t a relationship feel like both without the need for sex? Could John and Sherlock really be ‘soulmates’ and ‘life partners’ that don’t feel the need to “have sex or make out on the couch” every night? Because I feel like that's what Moftiss was trying to tell us all along; that we were being too ‘pedestrian’ (can’t think of another word so eh) when we should have been using ‘higher - level thinking’. (I have a feeling the whole “it is what it is” comes into it here, but im way too tired to go into that ahah).

Now, as much as this is what I believe is truly going on, I absolutely fucking hate it. Of course as Johnlock shippers we want them to be explicit in their love. And for some of us this means said “making out on the couch” scenes need to be shown. But after reading practically everything to do with TJLC, Moftiss and TFP spoilers, I really don’t think that’s ever going to happen. What I think WILL happen, is that we’ll keep seeing exactly what we have been seeing, which to us appears spectacularly obvious yet annoyingly ambiguous at the same time. That is, we’ll keep seeing them pining over each other when they’re apart (even because it’s their own choice *cough* John Watson *cough*), we’ll keep seeing them saving each other from the danger that is their lives, we’ll keep seeing them spiral into depression without the other one around to help, we’ll keep seeing declarations of love masked by words like “mate”, we’ll keep seeing them choose each other again and again. Because that’s just the way it is between them, they know it, the writers know it, and even we know it. We just wanted *it* to be different. We just wanted *it* to be shown in a different, more explicit, way. To the writers it doesn’t even need explaining.

Now onto my brief (hahah yea right) “fuck you moftiss rant.”

WHY THE EVER-LOVING FUCK CAN’T IT BE SHOWN THE WAY WE WANT?! Every single adaption of Sherlock Holmes has the same relationship aesthetic. The “John and Sherlock against the rest of the world” type thing is literally fucking everywhere. It’s even in the fucking video games. I mean, I get it. I get that you guys wanted to keep this part of the story alive, its great, it’s beautiful and it warms our hearts. But it is supposed to be a modern adaption after all. And you know what one of the biggest fucking modern issues is? Yeah you guessed it, LGBTIQ rights. Now, I should probably point out here that I am completely 100% straight. I’m a girl that likes guys and all that shit. But I live in a country where where same-sex marriage isn’t a reality (my hatred for that fact is a whole other point) and where same sex couples get treated differently to those in hetero-sexual relationships (seriously, fuck you Australia).

Now I know it’s highly unlikely that moftiss were to ever intentionally queer bait us, being the type of people I think that they are, but man they didn’t think some things through. I know in the first season/s the constant questioning and subtext over John and Sherlock’s sexuality (”confirmed bachelor”, “will you be needing two bedrooms”, “isn’t really my area,” “I’m not actually gay”..... ffs moftiss really?!) was meant to be both an outlet for humor and a throw-back to TPLOSH. But come on! Like seriously! At some point a repeated joke stops being funny! If they didn’t intend for it to mean anything in the grand scheme of the show, why continue to use it as a plot device? Obviously to some people (like my parents) it was just a joke; a running gag if you will, that wasn’t meant to be read into (I’m not sure whether I pity or envy you lot). Why would moftiss put all this effort into making us question John and Sherlock’s sexuality (ahem Irene fucking Adler) just to disregard it in the end? I seriously don’t even know. Maybe just to show that Sherlock really is human after all? Yeah I got no clue. 

Now, onto TFP.

To me, going along this whole “we’re being too pedestrian” theory, the “love conquers all” thing is actually pretty simple. Love will conquer all, but we’re not talking love in any sort of specific sense here. We’re talking in pretty general terms. I feel like the massive climax to this episode (and apparently the whole show) will be to explain Sherlock. That is, we’ll see his past and his (probably) traumatic childhood where some shit happened with the siblings and Sherlock became an emotionally repressed drug addict because of that. We’ll essentially be seeing the reason as to why Sherlock is the way that he is. Of course love’s going to come into that. My bet is that ‘love’ in whatever sense of the term, will be the thing to save Sherlock and everyone else in the end. He’s finally going to allow himself to love (in whatever way) after being an emotionally repressed idiot for so long. Therefore, I’m betting the iconic “I Love You” is damn important, just not in the way we want it to be.

Now, I don’t know exactly how any of that will make ‘lets make television history’, ‘insane wish-fulfillment’, etc make any sense. I mean sure, Mycroft or Molly or John or even Sherlock could die, Moriarty could come back from the dead, he could even be related to Sherlock and have been playing a ‘long game’ since their childhood (although Moriarty and Sherlock related would actually be really freaking cool in terms of the story). I’ve got these thoughts and more going through my head as to what could possibly be the “plot reason” for all of moftiss’s promotional spiel. It’s going to be different for everyone as to what ‘makes television history’. So lets be honest, moftiss are probs just laying it on too thick ahah.

I mean, I’d love Johnlock to happen in the way that we want it to. I’d die if he said “I love you” to John, I’d probably explode if they kissed. But its just not going to happen that way. Honestly, even if it did, wouldn’t it just take away from every other single aspect of the episode? Wouldn’t the most important part of this episode be the mystery? (aka, Sherlock’s backstory arc etc)? If Johnlock happened in this episode, it would be the only thing every single viewer (shipper or not) would be thinking about. Shippers would be going nuts, non-shippers would just be confused as hell for the rest of the show.

Yes, they could do Johnlock at the end in the “apparently missing 4 minutes” (credits, people) after everything’s resolved, but again it would be the only thing people remember. Is that what moftiss want’s the audience to remember more than anything else? I don’t think that it is.

I know they’re giant freaking liars and we shouldn’t trust absolutely anything that they say, but going on the countless times where they basically shut us all down (they could have done that in a nicer way tbh and I’m frankly pissed off about that), I’m not betting on explicit Johnlock at all. I mean, to them, its already been done.

I could be completely wrong.God, I hope I’m completely wrong. I just don’t want to be disappointed. Because I already feel soul-crushingly disappointed and it sucks. The whole show is doing my head in and I just want some bloody answers. So yeah, this is my way of trying to make sense of everything’s that been stuck in my head for the past few weeks, and it may not make any sense to you guys at all. Just thought I’d put it out there.

By the way if anyone out there has anything to add I’d love to hear, I’d love to discuss..... I Haven’t really actively gotten into the fandom until now but I’ve observed from the outside and I must say, I freaking love you guys, and I live off fanart and fanfiction! :D xoxo