#im glad to see some people are teaching their children love and joy

[fragglez]

watched nimona with my little sister and her friend and the fucking JOY of hearing a nine year old say "oh they're boyfriends.. well boys can be in love with boys so it's okay" THE FUCKING JOY

[rose-l-20]

Dad Head-canons - T.I.K

Master-list

Warnings: Mentions of childbirth/pregnancy, Dad jokes

AFAB reader. fluff.

Summary: How I see Tom as a Dad with the help of my current wave of baby fever 😂

Sorry if it’s a bit all over the place!

1000% takes as many days off as he can both during your pregnancy and the first couple of months after you give birth. 

Two words “GIRL DAD!!!!”. I’ve seen SO MANY other peoples HCs on multiple platforms saying the same thing and i’m so glad im not the only one that thinks this. I see him being the “as long as they’re healthy” type, but the minute the doctor announces “it’s a girl!” he (respectfully) would burst into tears of joy and bounce around the room and mumble “I knew it”.

As well as helping take care of the little angel, he would have the eye of a hawk when it comes to your recovery. Always makes sure you’re taking the right vitamins, drink plenty of water, have eaten all 3 meals of the day plus snacks/fruits, helps you with postpartum care and gives you cuddles, love and praise. 

Has a million different nicknames/terms of endearment to your daughter. some are sweet like, “My Princess” “My World” “Munchkin”. some are funny like, “Miss wriggle-giggle” “Milk-coholic” “sassy-gassy” which you laugh at every time.

I see Ice doing local or base related jobs (like teaching) instead of missions because he wants to be as close as possible to his family. 

When it comes to milestones, if he misses even one of them he will be excited but feel both jealous and utter disappointment. When it comes to your daughters first word, he makes it his mission to have her say “dada” first to the point he hides a photo of himself in the flat surface of the mobile above the crib. 

If he succeeds, he will brag about it for months until she eventually says “Mamma” and then he will stop. If he looses, he would mope around the house for a while in self pity and say “how dare you” as soon as the “Mmm” sound starts.

I see him being good at: dressing wounds (of course giving it a kiss), morning routine, school lunches (you write the note), homework help, bike training and first swimming lesson.

I see him being not-so-good at: night time routine, school drop off, being serious when his children have done something bad and keeping his wallet closed (his weakness is the puppy eyes and will spoil).

Invites all his Naval friends over to meet the bubba and they all refer to themselves as “Uncle ____” to which the both of you love and melt over. They all are super respectful by making sure they wash their hands and arms before getting the all clear to hold her.

as she hits 3 years old, her personality/mannerisms shows up in full swing and its the perfect combination of the both of you. His cockiness, compassion, and smile are the main ones. 

At this point you are pregnant with your second child, and Tom is on the way to becoming Admiral. Both being equally as important and exciting. 

Your daughter is already calling herself “Big sister” and wants to let every person she encounters to know and feels prideful when she gets told “you will be the best sister!”.

The two of you take her to her first day of kindergarten and even though your body has double the amount of hormones, Ice cried the most/hardest and once she was out of site and settling in you had to drag him out because he would stand there all day if he could. 

Soon you welcome twins. Another girl and a boy, which delighted you both and made your first born very excited.

Ice loved getting to experience the growth of 2 children. he loved seeing all the similarities and differences between them.

Ice made sure to be equal and take care of you the same way he did with your first pregnancy/birth, but would admit he found it harder as it wasn’t just the three of you. Tom hated to admit that he needed assistance some days and both sets of grandparents were more than eager.

When all of them were old enough (ages 8 and 5), Ice took them to work and showed them everything and there was not one bored face out of the three.

When taking them into his office so he could get an hour or two of work in, the oldest daughter asked “why aren’t there any pictures of girl Pilots or Rios Papa?” and he went on to explain why and how that was going to change soon. This ignited a flame in the 8 year old, and she got to work on her call sign, which at that age was “Snowflake”. 

Tom may not be taking professional missions anymore, but in the back yard with a DIY cardboard MiG-28 he was on at least 4 a week and for the first time in his career he was a Rio.   

All your children love Career’s day at school as they get to bring in Admiral Tom “Iceman” Kazansky! and because of the amount of times he was asked to come in, he was gifted a display in the school and he gave them some of his medals and gear for it. 

When Tom became a Dad, he became a Dad. this means he does the “i was watching that” when he looked dead asleep, gets off the couch with a “woah” and his Dad jokes were enough to make his children want to run for the hills. Tom evolved more as the years went by to the arms crossed legs shoulder width apart when speaking to his “daddy’s group” friends.

When the kids are tweens-teens he switches from the “trying not to laugh” dad to “I give you these rules because I care (but still trying not to laugh)” dad. Definitely does the “who, what, when, where, why?” When they start hanging out with friends and partying.

Takes his children on joy rides with his Admiral privileges. He even gave them their own helmets designed and custom to each child.

Would 100% help with them wanting to apply into flight school, would shine his rank in the absolute worst case scenario.

Gives a speech at all the graduation ceremonies, but cries when it’s one of his kids class and the audience and you “aww” at it.

Always makes sure that he takes you on date night throughout the years and spoils you like he always does.

Just a genuine and amazing dad

If you want more or another list of Headcanons feel free to request

Lia 🤍🧊

[crackcrocs]

DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #9

This is to narcissistic mothers/ parents & anyone who is willing to understand.

(Written by me-for and through the lens of my dear friend, i wish you nothing but freedom from her chains. i wish you TLC)

Their ability to make everyone think they’re loving parents.

Their ability to make their kids believe that abuse is normal.

Their ability to make you believe you owe them everything.

Their ability to make themselves believe that they are right.

Their ability to turn the tables and make you believe that it was your fault.

All of this rings so true.

They do make you feel crazy; they suck the energy and ability to reason logically right out of you- and, by very nature of their narcissism, it never occurs to them that *they* might be the problem.

You can’t expect a relationship to happen with someone highly dysfunctional. how do you stoop down to the level of someone who aside from work & put all energy into keeping up an appearance can only abuse substance, speak to empty friends & post garbage.

In truth, I think the alcoholism is a symptom of her larger mental illness or narcissistic personality disorder- but it’s no excuse. Her parenting is unreliable, inconsistent, and unpredictable. There never is a sense of safety and consistency, allowing me to thrive.

I’m told to forgive & keep peace & ignore all your craziness. All the advice I've been getting on dealing with a narcissistic mother has been saying to avoid her as much as possible, or to try communicate & ‘keep peace’ as if I haven’t tried to communicate, as if I’m purposely singling her out from our already empty relationship. Well now I'm stuck at home all day, or every household or friend I bring over, she decides to involve. So much for distancing myself.  The worst part is she isn't even doing it herself, she just sits around watching tv, having friends over & phoning everyone while Im expected to clean up after her and "contribute" to the family/ financially support my self for college.

- Yes, absolutely, I am the crazy one. You know what, I’m not even going to deny it, I probably have a ton of issues, most of them mental. But guess where they came from? Guess who made those problems worse and maybe even helped create them? No mom, you’re not to blame for everything or the “war in Iraq” as you so eloquently put it. But you are to blame for some it, at the very least. it’s time to take account & I will no longer be made to feel like the obligated for for an entitled narc.

I feel your claws sinking in less and less.  You no longer have me in chains, I will break free from your emotional bondage even if it takes me seeming boring & silencing myself around you to not endure & tolerate your nonsense. Your words no longer fill me with despair like they once did.

This year long cold shoulder would have once filled me with anxiety but now all I feel is bliss. I no longer feel jealous when others talk about their seemingly perfect parents because I may not have that luxury but what I do have is a chance to be a "perfect parent" myself potentially one day. To be everything you couldn't and wouldn't somewhere far away and isolated from your poison.

I wonder how you feel...  but I simply can’t understand or pretend to care anymore. I’m tired of putting energy into a source that doesn’t put out. When children don't talk to you unless prompted- it’s because there is nothing to be said after the plenty opportunities given to converse truly & openly.

No I don’t want to speak to your 9th friend on the phone today again about surface level things just to please you. No I don’t want to come socialise with your drunk friends & be spoken to like a child

When you have to tell yet another lie to yet another friend to mask the evidence of a broken home When you look in the mirror and only see insecurities When you realise there's no one around you and can't figure out why When you tear down someone close yet again, to feel good about yourself  I wonder how you feel, I wonder if you feel, I wonder if you can...

my mom pushes me away but doesnt wanna let me leave. she doesn’t want to take into account that she pushed me to this extent. part of growth is being able to communicate your emotions properly. how can a whole 43 year old be unable to do so? I Vocalize when I’m not okay with something. Communication helps people avoid being uncomfortable, easily triggered, hostile, or passive aggressive with people. her communication is one sided and I’m the only one who gets to listen while she’s the only one who gets to talk, otherwise I’m ‘answering back’ or ‘telling a woman what to do’ even though I talk sense and out of respect in my responses or when I do try speak.

Worse yet I have to go BACK to the emotionally abusive situation that I basically fled.

What really bugs me is when you’ve given someone so many chances to do better and change. But then once you get tired of their antics, you try to move on and they continually try to reel you back in. Not even trying to change, but instead *trying* to reel you back in for their benefit. It’s unhealthy and traumatizing to say the least.

I guess i should be glad your swinging moods and emotions taught me to manage mine from young. I should be glad that I had to teach myself not to care about what you said to me and what you thought about me. I should be overjoyed that the side effect was me not caring about what anyone said or thought and basically becoming an inert emotionless void. I should be thankful that I always look fine even when I’m in pain and feeling like death and I’m capable of putting up with things that would send any sane person off the edge.

relationships are so much healthier when the goal is to experience life together and not to try to make the person into who you want them to be or to make them do what you want them to do. In my case my mother has de masculated me over the years making me soft and obedient, for her own selfish gain of having a man worship her. she decided since she doesn’t have a man, or never managed to find someone stay at home that’s he truly connected to, she’s decided the man that’s going to worship her will be me- her son. Since I resemble my father who she was in love with, she will always talk bad on me as she resents my father for not wanting her.

through gaslighting me over the years, it’s become harder to speak up, I even feel embarrassed to tell my dad even though that’s probably the only thing that will make her open her eyes and get clean. my pot is boiling though. Independence is obviously healthy but when it gets to the point where i find it challenging to actually be able to even admit that i might need assistance in this situation,  problems arise. And for what? Why I’m I protecting her image? I’ve been taught to & I’m a respectable young man who won’t take joy from her exposure, but I don’t take joy from preserving information & keeping it all inside to deal with myself. I’ve become so hard on myself and still pushing through-it’s not easy, people still expect me to be a super heroe all the time. I have a hard time opening up, allowing people to help me in whatever I’m doing. I hate even admitting I need help most times. I wish I’d been taught early what my mother learned late, thankfully I was observant, self taught & still willing to learn- thankfully I’m not a follower & I know right from wrong.

The worst part about looking at the future and trying to imagine it full of hope, light and emotional health is knowing that you'll always have the scars. Emotional abusers aren't supposed to leave scars but mine managed to. And in my mother's usual style it can even be passed off as unintentional. In my case it was actually supposed to a kind act which ended badly in the way that only events in my life can seem to end.

All the phone calls to your friends, you continuously fake talk about me on a nonexistent relationship. it’s sad how you need to phone 100 people in a day and can only hold the same surface level chats. I wonder if you can grip the fact that nobody ever wants to help you with anything. you’re lucky they even listen and you’re lucky they only know your side of the story every time. you’re a great potter & can mould situations.

It’s sad that if you sense the slightest hint that people do not approve of your estrangement and they are not going to be there for your nonsense, you stir the pot and involve and buss peoples names, further spinning your web of lies.

All the pity you came to relish over the years as single mother warrior extraordinaire would simply dry up. Any attempts to paint me, your only child in a negative light would seem simply monstrous if I exposed you, but I maintain respect, bite my tongue & hold my head up because my real mother figure taught me that.

But really you have to keep up the pretense to your friends, that I was an insubordinate, ungrateful bitch of a problem child and you were a glorious brave single mother at her wits end just trying to make things work. even with the mural I painted, you forced me to mention the single mother narrative; as if that had anything to do with my art piece. I mean how selfish can you be? the art peace was to represent Sheku Bayou & the BLM movement, I didn’t even want to put my real name- I wanted to put my instagram page associated with my art because business is business and personal is personal. but to toot your horn, I added a whole separate paragraph because you wanted your name to be connected to my art piece as though I’m some sort of celebrity and it was my claim to fame. the single mother narrative is bullshit, I know tonnes of single african parents that know how to step up when it’s time to be a mother, but that’s something you’ve never known how to do. I remember you drunk the day I came here and I will never forget the words ‘I will drink myself to death if I want to’ I don’t have sympathy anymore and I’m not a saviour, I have tried and tried through hiding alcohol, attempting to converse & get her to cut down; but you can only bring a horse to the water not to drink it. how is a teenager meant to know how to stop an alcoholic junkie? I’m her son you say? If she truly cared and wanted to fix up, I would be one thing to stop her I thought.

my mother is an alcoholic. an addict. she refuses to wear those labels, but this has far exceeded the occasional ‘binge’ ‘sesh’ or ‘Prosecco party’ .Throughout middle school and high school, I would guess that half or so of the days out of the year she spent in a wine haze. Even my constant begging her to stop drinking did not stop it. Pouring her wine down the drain or hiding it made her angry and transitioned to mental and phsyical abuse. She became increasingly angry and I aged and entered high school but she was always this way since I came really. It was during this time that I would lock the doors to my room and try to hide from her in there. I still barricade my room door to this day just for my own peace. Despite all the horrendous things she did, every once in a while she did give me money, and this gets dangled over my head RELENTLESSLY... as if money buys love.

I needed to get some outside reassurance that I'm sane. Thankfully now I know and all I can do is try stay in my lane, can’t argue with a supposed adult with a brain that resembles a wall or a child.

People who were emotionally abused have spent far too long defending themselves. Justifying their own feelings. Trying to make others see and understand what they went through is a task. Abusive parents are very good at manipulating. that’s why I have ceased contact with this toxic person, i do not owe anyone an explanation.Doesn’t matter if they are a family member or close family friend. Doesn’t matter if they are a friend or acquaintance of yours. I’ve learned just to be boring , save everything interesting and beautiful about myself for those who deserve it.

[thefangirlingbarista]

my family is celebrating Thanksgiving tomorrow. And I just want to list some of the things i am eternally grateful for this year

My family, obviously. The thing is, if you would’ve asked me nine/ten years ago if i am thankful for them, i probably wouldve said no. my dad was a poison to us – still is at times tbh. but my mom filing for the divorce, though it was painful for all of us in different way (and probably not the ‘traditional’ ways) was the best thing she’s ever done for our little family. and now our little family is growing. my older sister and her family have troubles of their own, and things have happened to their kids that should never happen to any living soul, but they’re not only surviving it. they’re thriving.  my brother and his family continues to grow. they’re a constant source of anxiety for me for so many different reason, but his oldest son is the reason i didnt commit suicide 7 years ago. that little cuddle bug of mine has my heart, as does his sister, and the little one on the way. they bring so much light and happiness in my life, that the loudness and chaos that’s never too far behind them is completely worth it.  my baby sister and my mom, who have seen me at my darkest and lowest points and still love and support me.  my papaw and cousins who help me remember my mimi in all the best ways.

My friends. God really has blessed me with an abundance of true friends. i’ve come to realize that a lot of people go their whole lives with only one – if that – true friend. And here I have @fangirlinglike and K and T and R&S back is Australia. I have Sara, who is perhaps the kindest soul on our planet, and who I adore completely. These people know the darkest parts of my soul, yet love me anyway. I don’t understand it, but I’m not going to question it. I don’t think I could do life without them. 

My pets. I’ve lost more than I thought was bearable over the past years, but the ones that are still with me bring me joy like nothing else. Cookie is so emotionally intelligent and always senses when I need comfort. Nialler is a goob, who only has a half a brain most of the time, and brings me laughter throughout all the seasons of my life. Artie, who has more personality than any dog should ever have. Herc who yells at me and then loves me and is possibly the most bipolar cat i ever met. 

My job and my kids. All of them. even the ones who have moved on. P continues to teach me new things even though he’s not mine anymore. all of them remind me of my purpose and calling, and though they are difficult and are causing me to go grey, i love them with my entire being. i wouldnt trade my job for the world. 

technology. THANK U FOR THIS @ GOD. i hear my friends laugh that live half way across the world. i can talk to them and send them memes and vent and rant and gush about how much i love them even though they’re not sitting right beside me. technology is allowing me to keep up with friends i otherwise wouldnt be able to so easily. 

music. it lifts my spirits, it bonds me with people, it reminds me of my childhood, of falling in love, of traveling, and adventures. it stirs my creative flame. 

writing. I HAVE SO MANY EMOTIONS YALL and writing is an outlet. i fear without it, i would combust. i can create whole worlds that havent been touched by anyone else. i can create alternate universes for my beloved fictional children. i can write worlds that mirror my own but have a better outcome. when i have a pen in my hand, i feel unstoppable. 

my church and the people in it. a constant in my ever changing life. a beacon that is constantly shining so when i lose my way, i can always find it again. a church for the unchurched. a church that is helping people learn how to know, love, and follow Jesus. a church that doesn’t condemn, but love. 

planes trains and automobiles. without which i wouldnt know half the people i do, wouldnt be able to see 90% of the places i have been, wouldn’t be able to visit and see my loved ones. 

Meds. i finally feel like myself, maybe not completely but im getting there. and im so glad that i am able to take this medicine without it increasing my anxiety. im so thankful that it works and im becoming my true self again. 

I could probably come up with another ten, but im tired and my food is getting cold. 

If you bothered reading this all the way through, don’t forget to tell people you’re thankful for them. They just might need to hear that this holiday season. 

[personagf-moved]

alphabet & soft questions ✨

I was tagged by my bb’s @prksjmiin (alphabet ask) and @joonieblossoms (soft ask) and i didn’t want to make two separate posts so im gonna apologize in advance bc i decided to stick both posts together :’) dkdkkdkd yall aint gotta read everything but if u do ily and im sorry i write novels on novels dlfksdkf

i’ll tag @koyasdad, @1ovegf, @joonlit, @sleepyyyoongs, @constellationstars and @capgi 💘

honestly feel free to do either one or both or none if u want dkkdkdkd i just wanted to tag u guys bc ily

Alphabet ask:

a // age: 21

b // birthplace: new jersey!

c // current time: 1:17 am

d // drink you had last: coffee

e // easiest person to talk to: my brother when he isnt being an absolute fool

f // favorite songs: 

aint it fun - paramore

trivia love 

honey - kehlani

abbey - mitski

moonlight - ariana grande

g // grossest memory: i was in the city one time and a bird shit on my forehead. i think about it at least twice a week 

h // horror yes or horror no:  H O R R O R   Y E S   B A B E E E Y Y Y Y Y Y Y im the absolute worst person i’ll dead ass watch a scary movie/video or read horror stories by myself just bc. 

i // in love: with my whole ass soulmate namjoon. i luv u string bean man

j // jealous of people: im not even gonna try to lie i am a very jealous person and i am so sorry about it but i really cant help it lmfao. blame my scorpio venus i guess

k // kids of your own someday: when i say i have been thinking about this everyday.........! i wanna have it all i want the kids the white picket fence the dream house everything. i cant wait to be a mommy one day and love n support my bb’s :’)

l // love at first sight or should i walk by again: we a whole ass fool on main and believe in love at first sight!!!! i really do believe soulmates are a true thing and if a love is destined to be across an infinite span of lifetimes and universes then it will always find its way back. when you know, you know, and i genuinely believe that. 

m // middle name: padilla

n // number of siblings: 1 older brother, 1 half brother (older), and 1 half sister (older)

o // one wish: to find true love

p // person you last called: my manager bc i had a work question lol

q // question you’re always asked: “why are you like this” (usually friends @ me when i wild out...which is like everyday), “are you mad?”, “how old are you REALLY?”, “how’s your brother?” (bc he ghosts all family n i have to speak on his behalf like always fsdfjksdf)

r // random fact about you: i once used a horrible bootleg copy of the force awakens to make a star wars crack video dubbing the part in shrek when he first meets donkey over the scene when rey first met bb-8 and it went viral and has like 200,000 notes and even had articles written about it. also i had a weird fascination with jar jar binks and danny devito when i was in high school and i had a habit of making either one of them my icon on school accounts so i could make people laugh when they emailed me or saw me in a word document skfkkkfkf

s // song you last sang: “abbey” by mitski :’(

t // time you woke up: exactly 10 this morning and it was weird bc i picked up my phone and it had JUST turned 10 when i looked i was so shook lol 

u // underwear colour: she be black 

v // vacation destination: paris bc im a basic bitch :’) also japan/all asian countries. i wanna connect with my roots more :/

w // worst habit: yeeting the fuck outta people’s lives when i think they’re getting too close/when i get overwhelmed. im sorry im a flighty bitch @ anyone i’ve ever ghosted :( i love anyone who’s ever tried to talk to me and its never ur fault, i just get the urge to escape sometimes and i’m trying to fix it 

x // x-rays: omg @ tori dead ass me too tho, i had x-rays when i broke my arm when i was around 6 :o

y // your favorite food: my mom’s spaghetti! and sushi. also i love any and all filipino food but specifically i like nilaga and kare-kare oooo baby

z // zodiac sign: we’re a proud libra sun 

Soft ask:

What’s the smell of your shampoo?

we got them fruity scents up in here we keep that shit smellin like a goddamn strawberry field take a fuckin whiff babes

What’s your aesthetic?

the moon and stars, soft pink and purple sunsets with a burning red on the horizon, sunrises as well, paintings and generally all art revolving around flowers and the celestial, pretty pastel pink and yellow, the sound and smell of rain falling against the window while being curled up in bed uwu 

What’s your favorite time of the day and why?

lately it’s been night time. i generally get more creative and feel more at home during the night. i miss being a morning person tho. 

What do you most like about the beach?

not a lot fklsjdjfkslkdflksdlkf i usually only go to get a tan and walk the boardwalk with my friends, but if i had it my way i would never step foot in the ocean for the rest of my life sdjdjdjdjsj we dont trust her!!!!!!!!!

What do you worry about constantly?

when i’m gonna figure out what i wanna do with my life lol. i took a year off to think about it but all i ended up doing was working myself to exhaustion and getting comfy in a work only mindset and now i’m only even more confused about what i want to pursue. i’m just glad im going to chicago next week because i feel like a change of setting for even just a week could give me a much needed reset on my mindset going into the next year. i worry about the future but the problem is i worry about the present too lol. oh well, we’ll figure it out!

What is a song you’ve cried to before?

oh boy...

trivia love

moonchild

first love

she used to be mine - waitress soundtrack

20 something - sza

26 - paramore

the letter - kehlani

landslide - fleetwood mac

when you see my friends - mayday parade

and many........many many more...... skskskks music is my main emotional outlet so naturally im gonna cry over anything that reflects my heart

What are some relaxing tips for your followers?

as The World’s Number One Most Stressed Out Human Being™️ i am definitely in no way fit to give advice on how to relax LMFAO 

but i guess something that always works for me is putting on music i KNOW will make me sing a long or make me happy to distract me from the nerves i’m feeling. also putting on my favorite comfort movies to make me feel better (they’re big fish, scott pilgrim vs the world, and spirited away btw lol)

 What are some things that make you tear up?

the ending of coco, seeing my mom cry, or anyone i love cry tbh, when children are neglected/abused, thinking about the world i’ll have to bring my future children into and how i’m going to be able to teach them to stay strong and bright in the face of it, lyrics that hit too close to home, absolutely anything tbh i cry easy

What is your favorite from each sense?

sight - the view of my cherry blossom tree against a pink sunset in the spring of my childhood home, a person’s eyes and how they light up when they smile, especially when they crinkle as they laugh

smell - the earth after rain, a forest in autumn

taste - my mom’s cooking, good coffee on an early morning

sound - beautiful melodies and harmonies to accompany them, a baby cooing, birds chirping at sunrise

touch - my pillow when its nice and cool, a cat’s tummy, a baby’s cheeks, fingers running through my hair

What is an alternative reality you’d like to live in?

one where im married to namjoon n we have a lot of smart musical prodigy babies who have his dopey smile and i live comfortably in our big ass home in korea where i raise our babies n get that good pipe down every night like i should

jk i wanna live in a reality where magic is real and i can cast spells and live my best life as the true witch that i am

What are some troubles you face on a daily basis?

for starters im ugly as shit so theres one

if we mean practically then i have really bad knees and i recently busted them again so its been really hard getting up and down stairs lately and bending over 

but idk theres not really much. emotionally i just tend to get withdrawn and timid in public so it can be hard for me to speak up when i go out

What is one scene from a book that makes you really sad?

unfortunately i haven’t read as many books lately as i did when i was younger...so a lot of my memories are from books that i read like as a kid lol......THAT BEING SAID i think rue and finnick’s death in the hunger games was truly heartbreaking to read, the spine of my copies of both books have cracks on those pages bc i had to read it several times just to really believe it. also i thought it was written so heart wrenchingly well that i had to go back.  also in looking for alaska when pudge, a man who loved to know people’s last words, realized that he would never know alaska’s last words. im also really thankful for that book bc it introduced me to wh auden’s poetry and to this day he’s still one of my favorite poets of all time.  

Say something to your followers:

thank you thank you thank you thank you THANK YOU for following me and for some reason deciding to stay after how many times i act up on the daily. all jokes aside i really appreciate every single one of you no matter the number and i sincerely hope that you always have love and joy in your heart and that 2019 treats you well. i HONESTLY mean it when i say that i am always here if you guys want to talk or send me things or roast me or talk shit seriously i wanna hear it all and talk about it all i think all of you are so interesting and so beautiful and i’d love to get to know more about you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU GUYS! yeet!

[pullupachairluton]

Day 3

Today my schedule is to 

- meet Angela at Revoluton

- have lunch with ‘local artist’ Keith Piper

- Go to a speech bubbles information event

- Go to a ‘networking event’ called I like Mondays at the White House Pub

Today 

- I’m going to try to write less...

- I’m going to include more photos

- I may include my internet search history

This is what I wore today for the schedule. 

Another windy day. A long and beautiful wise looking stick on the pavement outside the house where I stay. An omen?

To start the day I have a meeting with Angela at Revoluton. It was a great day to meet the Revoluton team as everyone was there for a lunch and meeting with ‘local artist’ Keith Piper. (Actually it turns out that it was a meeting with the legendary artist Keith Piper!!!)

Before lunch me and Angela talk through the schedule for the week and we go on a tour of the building. It has a really interesting history and is run by Marsh Farm Outreach. Angela told me a bit about their history and how they used to run raves, and have carried the community ethos forward until today when they now run a really strong community outreach programme. And they have a bar onsite! Im really looking forward to meeting them.

I had a brilliant welcome by the Revoluton team and felt really touched. It was really wonderful to experience such a positive greeting and welcoming. Really special - thank you all! 

Then we had a lunch and meeting with Keith! Full of positive energy and it all felt very generous and exciting - below are the before and after shots of the lunch table. 

Then onto Speech Bubbles at the Hat Factory.

What an interesting programme. I love it. Its a drama intervention programme for children (Key Stage 1) who struggle with communication. They work with a Teaching Assistant and drama practitioner in group session of 10 children. Each child tells a story that is transcribed by an adult, then the rest of the children act the story out.

I think the process of transcribing is magic. The act of really concentrating on what someone is saying. To really value their words and then for their words to come to life in another way and be peformed. This is wonderful. I don’t even like doing drama but I think everyone should do this. 

I love how Adam who started the project talks about it. He is political. He talks about the wider social and political climate at the moment - and how narrowing the curriculum is anti-joy. I really love it! Its really clear what the project is, and what effect the project has (the effect of the project is supported by numerous studies). I really hope this happens in Luton.

 https://www.londonbubble.org.uk/parent_project/speech-bubbles/

Then lastly I went to Wetherspoons in town for the networking event called ‘I Like Mondays’. 

All I know is that I should wear red and meet people at the right of the bar.

I’m 10 minutes early

There are lots of young people here.

Maybe students

there are quite a lot of middle aged men in groups or on their own. I don’t really want to be here. I hope it’s not some weird dating thing that I’m going to. I have my red top in my bag. Im not going to wear it. I’m told to meet at the right side of the bar. No ones here. I don’t want to meet middle aged men at wetherspoons on my own.  I’m glad I’m wearing my worn jacket. I’m not feeling the joy.

Wetherspoons is a good place in many ways. Its £3.50 for a pint, not £5 and it means that more people can afford to drink here. But I remember watching an interview with Owen Jones and the owner of Wetherspoons - Tim Martin who when asked about why he doesn’t pay his staff a living wage he evades the question multiple times and says that Owen Jones is asking childish questions. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=285&v=mJ2BMEMiO9s&feature=emb_title 

I have a mixture of feelings towards Wetherspoons. 

I remember coming to Wetherspoons when I was 16-17-18. Underage alco pops. Winking at boys. A night out leading up to a drama at the end. Everyone drunk on the train home. Smoking out of the train windows. My friend once got punched outside a Wetherspoons - we were speaking about peace and then felt so impassioned we tried to break up a fight. My friend got punched. 

Back to now. Maybe others are sitting here with their red top beneath their jacket. Ready to bust it out when it turns 7 o’clock. I’ve drunk a third of a pint. More students (i think?) come in - who did you kiss? that’s the first question someone asks someone else who just arrives - ‘some guy called owen’ they reply.... do you have a picture of him ? Instagram or anything? I stop listening. It doesn’t feel right to overhear and transcribe what they are saying. I remember the buzz of the snogs with random men, fading images as we cling on to a sentence they said. It’s 7 o’clock. No one’s here. I see someone in a maroon top walk to the bar. I think he’s just getting a drink. Half pint left.  7.02pm. No ones here. Yes! Maybe it’s not happening!? Someone wears a red top on the tv screen. A man in a fluffy black jacket stands up and looks anxious.  Maybe he’s got a red top in his bag. He’s looking at his phone. Looking around. ‘Networking event’. How long do I wait? Some guy next to me has ordered table service using the app. Maybe this makes it better for people working here? No throng at the bar on Friday night? The argument says that it means people talk less but this guy said thank you to the bar staff, so that’s not much less that what people would normally say. Table 10? A round comes to my next door neighbours. 3/4 pint gone. Do I wait till 7.15? What’s the professional thing to do? It’s a really delicious pint. The guy in the fluffy jackets date / friend arrives. He looks happy. I’m between two tables of a group of students and a middle aged man. I remember how much I love going out for a drink with my friends. Conversation and alcohol and group chat. Lovely. The middle aged man starts singing on the other side of the table. I smile at the man in the fluffy jacket and the girl leaving. They look happy. I look at the man on the table next door to me - he has his headphones on. Is he happy? I like his singing. 

The middle aged man is very friendly. He knows the staff here and chats to them.

Ok pint finished I walk around to check if anyone is here.

It’s not a thing tonight. I’m going home. (Its 7.27pm)

Things I have been thinking of when I have been not been thinking of Luton. When I’m not present?

[tumblunni]

ANYWAY! I’mma gonna talk about my playthru of Digimon World Next Order, to distract me from the fact i’m rapidly approaching the ending and have to wait to sate my JRPG tastes on Persona 5 afterwards...

* it is really really REALLY REALLY really REALLy great to finally be able to play a game in the DW series as a female character. Holy SHIT, man this is overdue! And it isnt handled awfully like in Cyber Sleuth where everyone constantly calls you male and the character design is really oversexualized and doing weirdass poses for everything. There’s still a lil bit of ‘cliche girly option traits’ but seriously she’s like the least stereotyped design we’ve had in the games since Dusk and Dawn! She gets to wear SHORTS and A HOODIE! A hoodie that has an inexplicable hole in the back for some reason, but whatever! xD Also I actually like her version of the Protagonist Hair better, even tho I think its lame they colour coded them in the ol cliche genderedness. Boy character just has one streak of coloured hair at the front, but girl has a spiralling streak on the end of her ponytail that looks like a punk poison sort of fashion~! And it leaks pixels when she runs, and has a really nice glow effect that kinda makes it draw patterns as you swing her model around. Makes me wanna run in circlesssss~ Her dubbed voice is a bit boring cliche anime love interest tho, a bit squeaky after you’ve been hearing it for hours. But the dude is Like Every Shonen Hero Voice Ever, so i think its meant to be intentionally generic for both of them. I could swear he’s voiced by a bad Tai impersonator! XD Also I’m just kinda thankful cos every other girl in the plot gets a REALLY squeaky unbearable english voice, thank god protagonist is spared...

* its a lil bit of funnyness tho that for some reason the skill list is the only place where the translators forgot about the protagonist options. Like.. a LOT of Tamer Skills are weirdly gendered when it would have taken five seconds to change that. Why does it have to be stuff like ‘Cooking Boy’ and ‘Cooking Man’ instead of basic and advanced cooking? Especially cos the other one in between is called Gourmet Cooking...

* I love forever that so many of the virus type recruitable digimon are sweethearts of hugs and joy. Now THAT reminds me of the original Digimon World! Seriously I am SO GLAD that Literally The Same Myotismon has a sidequest about rescuing his precious myobrella so he won’t faint in the sun. or like.. if its not the same Myotismon then MAN he would totally be a great ship with the other equally helpless one in the first game XD He has a nice new function as a townsperson, instead of just being ‘a manager’ in the colloseum and never even being a fight. (That annoyed me as a kid! He just stands there!) Now he runs the card gallery, cos you collect ‘antique cards’ in this game and he restores them with his painting skillz. its a nice lil in-joke cos they’re all the original first trading card artworks from waaaaay back in the first season! And Piedmon is in this one too, yay! He’s actually like the only morally dubious virus type AT ALL, he talks like a cliche mwahaha mad scientist even as he does nothing particularly evil. His sidequest is a funny thing of playing hide and seek and he sucks at it. While yelling hammily about being an evil genius! And then he has quite a useful function in the town, he does a random effect on you once per day with his evil science, and it could be good or it could be bad, but if its bad he actually pays you compensation money for it! EVEN THE EVIL GUY IS TOO KIND And OH MAN I am so happy and sad for Skullgreymon! A good guy skullgreymon was always one of my ideas for a DW fangame, im so happy it happened for real! In this game Skullgreymon is a fashion designer with low self confidence, and you recruit them by finding weregarurumon who’s their biggest fan and becomes their first friend. Its so sweet! They never actually interact once you recruit them both tho, cos they work at different parts of the town. But im still gonna assume they keep in touch! Its also a shame skullgreymon doesnt actually run a fashion shop, cos there actually WAS a fashion shop in Digimon World Redigitize aka the one damn game we’ll never see dubbed T_T Instead skullgreymon gets this kinda depressing role of just standing around outside the entertainment area saying ‘i wish i could work with children but they’re always scared of me’, and then if you bring a newly hatched digimon to see them then they gain bonus stats from being terrified somehow?? NOOO WHERE IS THE OPTION TO TEACH MY CHILDREN THAT SKULLY IS A FRIEND

* Anyway, my main digimon are (still) Hershey and Zephyr, and I love them! I’m still working on hoping to eventually get the full terriermon and lopmon canon digivolution lines with them, wow its hard. But I adore them no matter what form they take at the moment! I ended up loving them so much that i never raised any other digimon ever. i just rename them the same name every time they reincarnate, and pick the same eggs! I’ve gotten close to unlocking every single variation of the bunno brothers evo lines!! But it IS getting really annoying that you have to type the name manually every time, why no option to just stick with the previous name? DW1 had that and it was on way worse hardware! Oh, and its funny that I started off calling them the bunny brothers cos thats what they were in adventure 02, but then after playing the game for ages I’ve settled on headcanoning hershey as female and zephyr as nonbinary. And also I started off with the cliche personalities of sassy rebel terriermon and stoic lopmon like in Tamers, but Hershey ended up being the rebel instead and Zephyr is like a shonen hero cinnamon roll! They’re both equally sassy and eccentric tho XD I’m not quite sure yet what would be their ‘canon’ final mega forms that I wanna keep them in for the final boss and stuff. But hershey’s made me regain my appreciation of Ladydevimon after I stopped liking her as soon as I grew old enough to understand that most of her fans only liked her for being ‘a stripper’ :P Like.. she’s a really damn good design even without the fanservice?? I like her way more than devimon, myotismon and etc, I wish she’d gotten to be a major villain! i mean it sucks that devimon got to be one when she’s literally his evolved form. (And yes I am happy that it continues to be canon that ladydevimon can digivolve from devimon and the same for angewomon and angemon. DIGIMON AINT RESTRAINED BY HUMAN GENDER ROLES YO) So yeah anyway, I kinda headcanon Hershey as a hypothetical less skimpy redesign of LadyDevimon? or like.. if she got her own unique Mega form that kept a similar design, rather than just being retconned into lilithmon and rosemon’s evo lines. I just don’t think the skimpyness fits with Hershey’s personality but the rest of the design just has such a cool piratey thiefy type look?? And she’s like THE BEST monster girl in the franchise, she’s the only one who really gets to be monstery looking, even if she’s still an hourglass figure sex object. i mean i always thought it was meant to be a subversion of that?? She has that giant monster claw hand and is really vicious and powerful in battle! All her animations in the game are her shredding things with it and doing the classic dracula rise-from-the-grave when she’s knocked out, and just... ITS REALLY BADASS!! I didnt know how cool a fight with her could be, cos she just got that stupid ass fanservice joke slap fight in the anime... ANYWAY Ladydevimon is good I appreciate her I like her even though she’s in the general genre of fanservice digimon that I dislike. She’s like the one single one I dont hate! (Tho I still wish we had more than like.. two un-fanservice female digimon in the entire damn series) Buuuut I dont think her design quite fits Hershey even though she’s the digivolution I keep using ingame. Maybe if I can find a different Mega that I prefer, and make up a fanmade digivolution line? or I could do a fanart variation of the digimon...

* ANYWAY I kinda ended up headcanoning Hershey as a former member of the broken apart pirate crew in Mod Cape. Cos like.. what if your digimon had backstories of what their life was like before they met you! like Gatomon in Adventure, they were chosen to be partners to a destined hero but had to wait so long they’d become disillusioned. Cos when you meet em at the start of the game they’re mega level and only get poofed back into eggs cos of machinedramon’s attack. WHAT LIFE DID YOU LEAD WITHOUT ME. I AM HERE TO PROTECT YOU NOW AAAAAAA!! So yeah it would be cool to headcanon Hershey as a former highway bandit type character who has trouble adjusting to living in a city surrounded by happy innocent people and hugs. I dont see her as grumpy tho.. like, she’s kind of a bombastic trickster archetype but she’s still super cynical and ‘I only care about myself, anything else gets you hurt’. I was thinking maybe if I designed a fanmade mega for her she could be like a magician pirate zombie demon??? Like.. yknow piedmon is a deck of cards clown guy with those four daggers? i actually got Piedmon as her digivolution when she was a Ladydevimon and I was thinking MAN it could be so cool if we had like a zany zombie digimon who attacks by stabbing a sword through her own back! Like ‘watch me saw a woman in half’ XD A design where she has a load of weapons stuck in her and uses them to fight with! like how mummymon is a mummy + soldier in a leg brace design, hypothetical zombiemon could be a zombie + actual tragic assassination victim. Plus a magician. Or a clown. And ladydevimon. And a pirate. LOOK I JUST HAVE A LOT OF MUTUALLY CONTRADICTORY HEADCANONS OKAY xD

* I don’t really have as much development ideas for Zephyr yet, aside from that they’re Hershey’s more cheerful and positive sibling. But I see them as also being kinda creepy and battle-hungry and stuff? Like.. both these twins are total virus types, clown type, typical final villain type of acrobatic doom! And both are good guys deep down. But Zephyr is a more cinnamon roll type of good and Hershey is grumpy unwillingly dragged into goodness. And like.. Zephyr is a bit dotty and only accidentally creepy, not really understanding how to socialize properly. And probably they would be like ‘NO BIG SISTER, STEALING IS BAD’ *currently stabbing a guy* I think maybe my headcanon for Zeph might be that they were for some reason left completely alone while waiting for the protagonist? Hershey at least found some companionship with the pirates, even if she became super bitter after the team broke up. I think Zeph maybe started off as a wild forest mon that’d even forgotten how to speak, until by pure chance they bumped into their long lost twin sister and then met the protagonist. So like an innocent angel who’s all new to the city and excited about everything, but also kinda fighty and dangerous because of the same stuff that makes them innocent. I dunno, I might make them an angewomon or ophanimon to match with Hershey? Tho I wanted to make them both good guy virus types, it could be an equally interesting contrast to have a vicious battle-obsessed angel who’s the absolute opposite of softspoken fancyness! And I also kinda associate them with the colour green even though I ended up picking a grey themed digivolution for Hershey instead. But all of Terriermon’s natural digivolutions are all machiney and don’t suit this personality as much... I dunno, maybe I could make up another headcanon/variant type thing? Cos after all lopmon’s line gets two champion level forms and two megas but terriermon only has two recolours for the same ultimate level. Maybe even it out, lol! Or like, I’m thinking like.. what if Terriermon had a mega that suited Henry more? i was reading someone’s review where they said it was weird that pacifistic Henry got a giant robot specializing in attack while Rika got the humanoid pacifist digimon. And yeah, that IS totally weird! And it got me imagining what if Terriermon got a humanoid digivolution that was like a martial artist?? or maybe like a speedy superhero lookin armour thing! Like just a more humanoid rapidmon! or I dunno maybe if puppetmon is in this game then zephyr could be puppetmon. I miss puppetmon. puppetmon never got to be in ANY games except dusk and dawn! I WANNA SEE A 3D PUPPETMON YO!!

* Man I just spent this entire post rambling my headcanons for silent protagonist characters instead of actually talking about the game... aaaa...