#im glad i think though. maybe i know what im doing. did i ever mention like a few months ago i was staring at the upper year art

[bmpmp3]

like 60% percent of the feedback i get from my professors on my art for critique is just like "keep doing what ur doing" WHAT does this mean

[hannieehaee]

Hiii!

I think your writing is amazing - I love it so much! Even stuff you’ve only posted a day ago, I’ve already reread! Your writing is just so compelling and engaging!

I saw that you have requests open, would you be able to do a svt reaction to their fiancée/wife getting injured/getting in an accident after a big argument please? I live for the angst! Thank you!

reaction to you getting hurt after an argument

content: angst, arguments, mentions of reader getting into an accident, mentions of a hospital, reader is mentioned to be their wife/fiancée in some of these, etc.

wc: 2143

a/n: thank u so much ur words about my writing are so sweet T-T im so glad ur enjoying my content <33 tysm for requesting!!

masterlist

seungcheol -

seungcheol can be a bit of an emotional person. he has a tendency of getting exasperated easily. although he was not one to pick arguments with you too often, whenever it did end up happening, he was usually too stubborn to let them go. if an argument came up, he needed the last word in. if you ever left during an argument, he wouldnt chase after you; to proud to let himself do so even if he really wanted to. if you happened to get hurt afterwards, maybe finding yourself in an accident due to the height of your emotions at the time, he would feel more remorseful than ever. he let his pride get the best of him and didn't go after you. he couldve stopped it (or at least that's what he'd tell himself). he would bow to himself to never let any petty argument prevent him from being by your side at all times. would be extremely gentle towards you for a while after the fact.

jeonghan -

someone as calm as jeonghan (at least where emotions pertained) would probably not find himself in arguments that often, which would make any and every argument a big deal due to how rare they were. he would never get too angry or cause a ruckus, but he could get a little mean. his goal at the moment would be to drive you away a bit, being too frustrated to be reasonable. the moment you left he'd feel more calm, knowing he needed time alone to collect himself and not allow his emotions get the best of him. except his emotions would get jumbled all over again the moment he got a call from the hospital letting him know you had gotten injured as you made your angry exit out of your shared apartment. he'd beat himself up over it all the way to the hospital, only feeling a bit more calm when you allowed him to tend and coo at you. he'd promise to never let his angel out of his sight ever again.

joshua -

during an argument, he'd grow serious. he's very emotionally smart, but his frustration would cloud all reason within him, causing him to be petty in these moments. when you suggested leaving for the night, he'd hammer the nail in the coffin by scoffing and telling you that yeah, that'd probably be best. would ignore your first call to him a few hours later, feeling like he needed to sleep on it. upon the second and third call, though, he'd grow immediately worried. nothing would take away the remorse he felt over his mean behavior towards you upon hearing you were at the hospital. although it had been nothing major, he'd prepare a whole speech full of apologies to you as he let you know how badly he regretted ever disregarding you like he did.

jun -

he'd grow a bit stoic during arguments, becoming too trapped in his thoughts to pay you much mind when you spoke up saying that you'd be heading to your mom's for the night, feeling like you needed a night away to keep you from becoming even more frustrated at him. he'd feel sad at this, but would still bid you goodbye, trying to keep things as calm as possible and even slipping an 'i love you' before you left. the moment he got the call from your mom, his heart sunk, terrified that you'd been seriously hurt. he wouldnt even remember the fight as soon as he heard the news, putting it all aside in favor of staying next to you and comforting you as much as possible.

soonyoung -

as the certified silly guy of seventeen, getting into a serious argument would him would be rare. but when you two did happen to argue, it'd get emotional pretty quickly. he'd sometimes have issues controlling his emotions, letting it slip that maybe you should leave if you felt so annoyed at him, that some distance might do you good. would feel bad at your dejected state as you left, but would not do much other than just give you a sad look before your departure. the moment he got a call informing him you'd gotten hurt during your separation, he'd drop absolutely everything, extremely worried regardless of the gravity of the accident. would ramble apologies at you about his behavior, placing all blame on himself without letting you get a word in. this would make him become even more attached to you from then on, never wanting you away, even during the hard moments.

wonwoo -

he's a very calm guy, which is why an argument with him would probably be very rare. in the occasion that it occurred, he'd probably suggest that you both take the rest of the day to yourselves, that maybe itd be best to clear your heads. you'd feel a little dejected by this but ultimately agree, insisting that you'd drive over to a friend's. a few hours later when wonwoo got a call from a nurse over at the hospital stating that his fiancee had been admitted, he immediately dropped everything to run to your side. he would completely forget about the argument, telling you that he was wrong to ever think letting you go out alone last night while so emotional was ever a good idea. he'd be overly attentive to you after that, feeling like he had caused this somehow.

jihoon -

it was easy for jihoon to dismiss you whenever an argument arose. he just didnt have the energy to entertain a fight. he knew this was a less than ideal characteristic of his, but he couldnt help it. he just felt like a bit of separation was better than allowing a full-on fight to occur. he'd occupy himself with work, wanting to give you time to process things on your own before trying to make amends. a few hours later, when he received a call from you, he was a bit shocked that you'd contact him so soon. he'd respond and express his surprise, only to hear your cries as you told him that you'd broken a leg while distractedly biking away from your shared home after the argument. he'd be instantly glad that you hadnt gotten hurt past that, visiting you immediately and completely forgetting about any argument you had.

seokmin -

you were his pretty and beautiful wife. how could he ever ever even think about arguing with you? well, it sure was rare, but it still happened once or twice during your relationship. and seokmin could get a bit ... childish when mad. he wouldnt outwardly argue with you. it would start with less than pleasant words being exchanged between the two of you, only to evolve into a silent treatment from him. you'd likely leave after that, too frustrated at his childishness. he'd think he had won the argument, feeling pleased with himself until he received a call from your mom letting him know that you had deviated your car from the road on the way to your parents' house. you hadnt gotten too hurt, but you had to have some stitches done and were now resting at home. he'd come home to you, tail between his legs as he begged you to please forgive his stupid childish behavior, promising he'd never make you feel like you had to run away from him ever again.

mingyu -

he can be a bit childish and immature when it comes to fights. arguments between you dont happen that often, so when they do, theyre kind of a big deal. when you suggested just leaving in order to allow things for mellow out, he shrugged and agreed, telling you you could come back whenever you felt like it, not really thinking much of it, he was still a bit peeved off after all. the next morning when he received a call from a family member of yours letting him know you never made it home to them, having somehow ended in the hospital, he would drop everything and run to you. even if it hadnt been his fault, he'd kneel next to the hospital bed and apologize to you. would take on the duty of tending to you until you got better and would not let you out of his sight again.

minghao -

the atmosphere would be heavy. dealing with arguments with minghao would always be difficult. emotions would be heightened, and you'd both be tense at one another. minghao could sometimes be too direct; communicative to a fault. although his good communication was usually a good thing, sometimes it came at the cost of your peace of mind. in an instance in which you just couldn't take an argument anymore, announcing you'd stay over with a friend for the night to calm down, his easy dismissal of you, responding 'if you feel like that's best, you can leave' with zero will ro try and stop you would have you feeling dejected. the next morning when he got a call from your friend stating that you'd been a bit careless on the way to her house would have him regretting his stoic behavior towards you, visiting you as you recovered at your friend's house as he offered to take you home with him so he could live up to his husband duties and make things right.

seungkwan -

he had a tendency of being a bit stubborn. it wasnt too difficult to pull an argument out of him. except they never really went too far. you'd both allow your frustration to dissipate mid-argument, always finishing the day off in a good mood with one another after having made up. on the rare occasion that arguments went too far, you'd usually choose to distance yourself for the rest of the day, knowing that if you instigated him the situation would just get worse. he'd be a bit pleased at himself, thinking himself the winner of this argument. the feeling would only last so long, however, as he got a call the day after letting him know that you were now in the hospital. his heart fell through his chest at hearing the word hospital, rushing to your side and whining at you about how scared you made him. he'd coo and tend to you, forgetting about the argument in favor of taking care of you, promising to never ever leave your side and to never let his emotions drive you away ever again.

vernon -

arguing with vernon was never a pretty sight. he could sometimes be a bit hurtful without thinking. not with his words, but more so with his lack of them. he was never a man for speeches, nor was he one for verbally expressing his thoughts too often. so whenever an argument arose, it almost felt like you were arguing with yourself. it made you feel stupid and dismissed, so it was often during arguments that you'd simply announce your exit, claiming it would probably be better if you stayed apart for the night. this would usually do the trick, allowing you two to reconnect the next morning in mellow moods. except today vernon had not received the usual call from you that next morning letting him know you'd be on your way back phone. the call he got instead was from a friend of yours, letting him know that you'd gotten hurt on the way there last night, landing yourself in the hospital. vernon wouldnt care when or how you got hurt, only worrying about your wellbeing as he rushed to your side. unlike during the argument, vernon would air out all emotions he was feeling, letting you know that he'd never let you walk away during a fight ever again. he'd scream and go crazy if that was enough to get you to stay.

chan -

his words could be a bit pointed when he was frustrated, he was too used to his members talking over him whenever an argument arose, which was why he was a bit less lenient when arguing with you. he'd frustrate you very quickly, making you want to stay away from him during those moments. he wouldnt chase after you either, figuring that some space might be best for the both of you to calm down. when he got the news that you'd somehow gotten injured on your way away from him, he'd rush to you, even risking his own safety at the speed in which he tried to get to you. he'd get you flowers and a huge apology in the form of a speech detailing how badly he felt at ever driving you away. he'd dedicate the rest of his free time to giving you all and every type of affection he could muster, feeling guilt even if you insisted it was fine and was not his fault.

[blarshwritezz]

hi if u dont mind i would love a mafia x male spy reader (gn if you ur not comfy with that) so the mafia boss pretends to be the mission partner for the reader just for fun he almist kileed the reader on multiple occasions but the reader misunderstands and thinks that the mafia boss was just helping him albeit in a weird and rather violent way and although reader has a suspicion that his partner (the mafia boss) isnt who he says he is due to skme odd similarities between him and the target of his mission (that being the Mafia boss) and the fact that his partner could easily waltz in notorious criminals manors and party and one day everything just clicks for the reader and they try to escape but the mafia boss knew thus so he kidnapped em and the live happily ever after (idk how to end this so just do what you deem fit ty!!!)

(oh yeah its fine if ur not comfortable or just don't want to make my request im not paying you so you hqbe no obligations to do so remember to take care of yourself <333 /p)

(and if i could could i become 🦀 anon)

Yes! Welcome, 🦀 anon!

Yandere Mafia Boss x Spy Reader

M yan x gn reader (sorry, I prefer to do gn for non-nsfw asks)

TW - general yandere behavior, drugging, implied kidnapping

Your mission was simple, at least on paper. Simply gain intel on a notorious mafia boss. But if it was that easy, you wouldn't have been working at it for so long.

It didn't help that your partner for this mission was...unusual. Not a bad guy, really, just strange. Sometimes you almost thought he was trying to kill you. You'd often catch him staring at you. You even felt his gaze when you swore no one was around.

Not to mention, danger was ever prevalent around him. He always managed to save you, though. But his face did often look rather annoyed...you just assumed he was one of those people with a really bad rbf.

But it was also suspicious how he was able to so easily and casually waltz into the homes or parties of very high-profile people. People you'd never be able to get near without months of careful planning. Maybe he just had good connections?

But all these coincidences were getting a bit too...convenient. If you needed to get in somewhere, he got you in the front gate. If you needed something, he miraculously had it only a day or two after at the latest.

And worst of all, you still haven't managed to track down this damn mafia boss! It didn't help that nobody knew what he looked like.

"Maybe he's right under your nose." His deep voice startled you out of your thoughts. His arm was wrapped around your shoulder, holding you close. Despite his cold exterior, he was pretty touchy and clingy. But...sort of sweet. You were glad to have met him, even if this mission was looking like a bust.

"But where? Where haven't we checked?"

"Well, our organization may be high security, but not impossible to infiltrate for a man like that." Was he implying that one of your own coworkers could be your target? Impossible!

But...now it all seemed to come together. Those coincidences...weren't just coincidences. He really has been right under your nose this whole time.

No wonder he could go wherever he wanted and get anything he desired. He had power and influence...more than you thought.

"I-Impossible! Our organization has the highest security possible! I'd know if someone like that could be...beside me..." It was a sad attempt to cover up your newest theory, but also to try and reassure yourself. If this was true, then you weren't as good of a spy as you thought...

You got up, or tried to at least. He kept his grip tight on you.

He knew.

"I can't just let you go now. You know my identity. So I'll just have to keep you as my newest little toy." In seconds his arm lowered to prevent you from moving your arms as he quickly used his other to cover your mouth and nose with a rag.

Chloroform.

"Just sleep...Be a good pet and I'll be sure to reward you very well..." Despite your struggling, sleep soon took you. No one ever heard from you again...no one but him, of course.

I'm sorry, this one feels so rushed and short, I was having a tough time getting inspired 😭

Forgive me, 🦀 anon, for I have failed

[strangelysamantha]

heart to heart ❀

steve harrington x fem!reader.

warnings: mention of being drugged, but otherwise pure fluff.

words: 987.

summary: at the starcourt mall bathroom, you and steve have a heart to heart.

request? no

a/n: it won’t let me insert links anymore and i’m very upset about it. but i’m happy to be writing again so i guess i have that going for me! can’t wait to produce a bunch of stranger things content.

my masterlist

—————————————-

you lay on the floor of the bathroom, your back slouched against the wall. your head wasn’t spinning as bad so that was good, but now the spiral to sobriety made your mind rush with thoughts. the starcourt mall had harsh lights, and you struggled to stick with any thoughts, overwhelmed by the torture you had barely escaped from. steve harrington was quiet in the stall next to you. a groan emitting from your lips. “are you okay steve?” you find the courage to question. you were nervous to break the silence, but if you had to endure it any longer you would explode. he hesitates, “yeah, i think uh,” he waits, “i think im alright.” you nod, although he’s unable to acknowledge it. “how about you? are you okay over there?” you stay quiet, unsure how to answer. “hello?” there’s worry in his voice, and he doesn’t wait to slide under the stall door to comfort you.

you grimace at him, “do you realize how gross the bathroom floor is?” you crack a smile, amused. he shrugs, “after all that fighting today, i already needed to wash the uniform, what difference will it make?” the two of you break out into laughter, “maybe it’s not fully out of our system yet.” this makes you laugh even harder. you take a moment to catch your breath. “steve?” he hums in response, “i’m glad i was with you in the battle against the russians.” he makes eye contact with you, “true, i’m pretty badass aren’t i?” you bite your lip nervously, “yes but you did deal with alot though.” he looks away, “i just want you to know im here for you. i mean what else can we go through that’s going to top breaking into a hidden russian lair?”

“i hope nothing… but this town is crawling with bad people. you can’t ever be safe.” his demeanor hurts, the pitiful comment causes your heart to sting. “yeah that’s what scares me.” you admit. “we’ll get through it together okay? we’re a good team.” you nod at his reassuring words, “let’s just hope it doesn’t come to that.” you collect your thoughts, “it’s funny to think that just last week we scooped ice cream for a living, and then we almost died.” steve smirks, “it’s quite the story to tell though.”

“don’t you miss high school? the only worry we had was about homework due dates, and trying not to fall asleep during lectures?” he reminisces, “it was easier, but time moves forward, and you get hardships thrown your way. i don’t know where i’ll be in a few years.” he continues, “it’s hard to think about the future, when the present is not enjoyable.” “i know, we should be out having fun, not worried about our hometown being invaded.” saying the words made the situation real, and the idea of your future was unimaginable. “do you still love nancy?” you question. he sighs, “yes, and no.” he thinks about it, you can tell by his face. “i miss what we had, the love was real, but time passed. we both grew into ourselves; there’s no point in ruining that growth.” his stance caught you by surprise, but you appreciated his honesty. “i had a first love too. it was different; it was a love that consumed me, but i lost who i was in the process. it’s hard to go back to someone when you know it didn’t work out for a reason.” he silently agrees, “have you moved on?” he asks. “yes, and no.” you giggle, “i’ve moved on, but sometimes i long for it. it was safe, predictable, but i know in my heart that things will work out for me.” steve’s eyes lock with yours.

you can’t read what he’s feeling, you’re filled with nerves. “i like you steve.” his lips curved, “you do?” you laugh slightly, “of course i do steve. you saved my life today. you make working at scoops ahoy fun. you’re playful, and witty. you treat me with so much kindness. and maybe i’m misreading this thing between us.” you back peddled slightly, worried you might have overstepped. “i like you too, today you brought out a side of me, one i hadn’t seen in awhile. you gave me hope, a reason.” you stomach fills with butterflies as his gaze lingers over you. you scooch forward, placing your hand over his. “steve, i really-.” unfortunately dustin and erica barge into the bathroom, before he rolls his eyes. “okay… what the hell?” steve and you glance at each other before returning your eyes to dustin. together you both emit into hysterical laughter at dustin’s comment. “get up we have to go.” he urges you up and rushes you to the door, erica’s face is stern and her hand is on her hip as she impatiently waited for you two to stand up. the four of you leave the bathroom, determined to escape the mall. you stay back, letting erica and dustin lead the way. you glance over at steve, your hand instinctively reaching for his as the nerves wash over you. he happily holds it, he looks over to you, his teeth bright. “you make me really happy.” he squeezes your hand. “you make me really happy too steve.” he chuckles slightly. “maybe after we escape, i can take you on a date?” a rose tint lifted to your cheeks as shyness crept up. “yes please.” the two of you continue to hold hands as you hurriedly tried to blend in with the crowd of people leaving the theater; however you see men in all black, guarding the exit. dustin tells you guys to abort and to turn around, and you frantically run to the lower level. fear was instilled inside you, however; with steve by your side you felt confident that you would make it to your guys first date.

🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷

[fasolabean]

warninggg this is a long one ,,,

(Okay so I started writing this uhhh vent before more posts on the n//fts appeared later so plz keep that in mind hah)

So I haven’t been too active on here for the past month – a bit personal start, but I’ve moved to a different country whooo!!!! (its terrifying) (my brains been involved in fandom stuff as usual but physically I wasn’t lmao).

But I wanted to talk ab the n//ft (censoring bc idk ab bots here) thing bc while some people on here provided some great context and threads, most of the talk has happened on twitter. So like. Since it was first confirmed what the raffle thing was I was veryyyy disappointed, especially bc K has made fun of this very thing on stage previously. And like yea, the nature of what hes doing is different than the n//ft crypt0 scams, since the cost of the paywalled content is set and not fluid and the raffle thing was free to enter, and I know there have been threads about the website not being the worst on twitter (link) (edit: now here on tumblr too). But still man. Both of these could’ve been done on either an independent website or through stuff like youtube members or patreon. Or hell, even just on the merch store? Like buy a promo code that buys you access to the material?

Also like I get that this was probably a contract that would be rly hard if not impossible to terminate. STILL though, I wish we just got an even short thing like “hi sorry I wasn’t aware this is gonna be a one time thing we’re not doing it again”. I don’t mind extra content being paywalled personally, I know some people do, but I just really wish it wasn’t don’t with that technology. And yes, I also now know it’s a safer way to handle shit like that but I just cant see this excuse being used for commercial use? Like maybe I can see why I could be made to use it for like idk an important document, but a raffle ticket? Nah

I also, ugh. Felt weird about mikke in the team since the winter. This whole thing seems to be – at least to a large extent – either done or influenced by him, judging by even the fact that the europass thingy webpage has oy photomikke marked (no im not buying it but i did look around curiosity was stronger). Also the previous thing that had made me go hmmm about käärijä as a brand was the bnb, which now seems to be ran entirely by mikke and his wife. Like stick to your photos man? That being said tho, Jere IS an adult and he IS the face of this brand. If he doesn’t think hes qualified to make business decisions all by himself (which I get, this shit is hard), nothing is stopping him really from getting a professional to help him with those things. And if there IS something stopping him then hey man I think you should go to the press with that lol. From any interviews ive seen or read, you can feel he feels this responsibility to keep his friends and family that initially helped him afloat. But I wish he understood that not letting people who in the end are not professional about business and PR and having them stick to their own thing does not have to mean cutting them off.

But now I just wanna share a thought that to some might seem like me defending him – which, in case you didn’t get I am very much not lmao. The thing is, im really glad the fandom is able to call him out on a shitty thing – like a bad baaad business decision. You can like somebody’s art, hell you can even like the public person they are, while not agreeing with everything what they do. What annoys me though, is that apart of the kä fandom, he is also often talked about (usually negatively) in the wider esc fandom. Over the past week I’ve seen multiple threads on twitter from people that rarely ever mention him about this. That would’ve been like, not that much of a deal (though sometimes it really got… engagement bait-y) but the amount of bodyshaming and shaming of his fans that comes up with every valid criticism is making me wanna pull my hair out.

Especially cause he’s neither the first finnish esc-related artist to do that (Robin and Cyan Kicks are mentioned on the kollekt website) nor is he the first esc artist of his influence to do it either. Last year Loreen and Alessandra have released n//fts last year, and Loreen did a very similar raffle a couple months ago. Now I wanna be very clear: I don’t want this to be like. Cancelling these people, that would be so hypocritical of me. I also don’t want this to be like a fandom war like oh youre mad he did xyz?? Well THIS and THIS person did THAT!!1! I’m just merely annoyed that these people doing essentially the same thing went with no echo at all, but now I’ve seen us (the fandom) be literally called the r slur and the most vile things being said about jere and, for some reason, his appearance???

Idk man. I really try to  make it clear im not trying to excuse his decisions and I think being angry and/or disappointed at him is absolutely understandable. Im just angry that every single time he fucks up, every single time he makes a mistake, my timeline is filled with a wave of people rejoicing in it. I know he’s a controversial figure, he’s been one since day one, but I just wish he’s gotten the same amount of shit his peers do for the same actions? And this happens every time, and each time im like “well ig I can see why hes so bad when it comes to criticism”. Because imagine doing a thing that your peers have done with no/minimal criticism and then the moment you try it out you get people calling your fans slurs and commenting how stupid you are. Like ngl id also think any criticism was hate lmao.

Again I wanna be very VERY clear im very critical ab what he chose to do. I wish he took some responsibility – and hope he maybe does, at some point in the future. This year has been a whole lot of bad business decisions for the käärijä brand in my eyes, and I hope he can actually see where its gone wrong and do something about it, both for his and our sake. I am also happy to see fellow fans who are able to call out their fave. But man I am TIRED of him just getting all the shit (from people who very visibly fans are not)?? And now I have the proof that it is comparably more than other people and not just my bias towards him because wdym there’s been at least 4 esc artists, 2 of which more famous than him, and 2 umk artists doing exactly the same thing with almost no echo??

TLDR (thishasover1kwordsfuckshit); I wish he did better, simply. I kinda cling to some hope that maybe hey finally this time he will see that criticism can be constructive. I think this is still a level of fucking up that you can like, come back from. Pity it’s connected to the eurotour since kinda souring my excitement ab my first concert in a new country a bit :(

[cactuslester]

okay!!! oakland show post!

i had so so much funnnn it was the best night ever!!! i went alone and was pretty nervous because even though ive been to shows and concerts alone before, i'd never been to something that had so much "waiting time" like between the m&g and preshow & show, but truly everyone was so so friendly, and it was so easy to meet people and make friends in line, so if anyone is still wondering if they should get a ticket and are worried about going alone, DO IT. it's so worth it, and phannies are lovely <3

so the m&g! this is my first time meeting both of them so i was so nervous and so excited. the line moved faster than i was prepared for it to (sarah was at the front of the line making sure everyone had their cameras ready and knew what they wanted to get signed. i'm so face blind i kept thinking about how familiar she looked but didn't realize that was sarah until it was almost my turn lmaooo), but the actual interaction didn't feel rushed. i gave them the letters i had written for them. i had tried to get metallic green envelopes but couldn't find any, and i told them that, and dan immediately knew what i was talking about and pointed knowingly at phil lmao <3

i brought tabinof and a mini lesbian flag which was between the pages in case they'd have time to sign both and they did! while they were signing i asked my questions. i asked phil for book recs and he said project hail mary, which i think he's mentioned in a preshow before. he said it's space/sci fi and he really liked it. i asked dan his thoughts on this f1 season, and he said "i think it's been quite a good season! it started off and it was like 'max is gonna win everything' and then it was like 'no he's not 🤪'"

and then dan took our selfies, and i'm rly happy with how they turned out 🥺 so here's them being cute sans me lol

they are indeed really good at making you feel comfortable and just generally being very nice and chill. they sounded more british than i was expecting? which is crazy given i allegedly know exactly what they sound like having watched their videos for 12 years, but still, hearing it up close was still kinda crazy. they are indeed very spindly, im glad i wore platforms so i was at least a little bit taller than i usually am

i Did forget to ask phil my follow up question which was if he would ever do a book recs video/livestream, and i also forgot to tell them that the sappy shit and also some recs for boston food is in the letters, but w/e they'll read those sooner or later, and at least i rmred the most important things. oh also phil's blue eyed stare really is So intense, i can definitely see how his aura can be intimidating (but he rly was so sweet <3). dan is so teddy bear vibes though, not intimidating at all <3

i was towards the end of the m&g line, so after my m&g ended, preshow started ~45 minutes later. the energy at this preshow felt rly married and silly, it was so fun. they definitely have someone prune the phlit questions (but im not sure if whoever does it just grabs them randomly or if they actually read and pick which ones dnp read), since not all of my questions were answered. but i cant complain bc they answered two of mine, which i'll post the videos for tn. but i asked if they're digital hoarders, and they said no (liars), and then dan talked about how phil's desktop is disorganized. and i also asked about their fave recent horror movie, and they both said the substance, which i've been wanting to watch!

and oh my god the show itself was CRAZY. like even though i've been looking at spoilers this entire time, i still wasn't fully prepared (maybe i'll put my more spoilery thoughts in a reblog later). they were so energetic, and their stage presence is magnetic. i think it was a good night for them, as far as i remember, no lines were obviously Forgotten, and any tripping over lines was minor. the show had silly parts, it had serious parts, it was just so Them. you really can feel how comfortable and happy they feel in this new era and, like they talked about in the phukbang, that they feel that their audience is truly Theirs now. the show was so good i Did log onto ticketmaster and google flights to san diego after work today but due to flight prices and work, i fear it's not happening, but god i do want to see it again immediately 😔

finally, thank you to all the wonderful phannies i met!!! i had such a lovely time chatting w/carolina, esmeralda, orion, and winter, who aren't on tumblr 😔 and of course with molly @finalfeudfiend!!! we were seat neighbors, partners in phannie crimes for the night, and also they took my m&g video (mwah mwah tysmmmm molly <333). it was really so great to meet everyone, and all my worries about going alone were totally unfounded <3

here are the bracelets and photocards i got! the far left bracelet is from the vip merch bag, and the rest are from phannies, they say super amazing project, sister daniel, and father philip. i am sooo happy with my photocard pulls. the top row were from the pack that came w/vip merch, and the bottom row i got separately. impossible to pick faves really, but some of mine are of course uni hoodies, holographic hearts tongue out phil, phil looking so polite, and smiley peace sign dannie <333

and that's that! much love to dnp and phannies for making it such a wonderful night. having watched their videos for so long, it was so special to get to see and meet them, i had the best time ever <333

[atticoratticus]

im always going to be so glad that Rollo didnt get a 'redemption' scene or even really change his ideals or goals at the end of GloMas. Even though thats likely something a lot of people might want (hell, Ive even seen some people say his lack of change was 'bad writing'), its just not realistic. Development doesnt happen instantaneously, especially not when someone doesnt even WANT to change in the first place.

While the confrontation with Idia, Malleus, and Azul might have sparked some sort of realization in him, this is a matter of changing something he has thought for YEARS. We dont know how old he was was his brother died, but it was obviously young. This is a hatred hes let fester ever since then, and its presumably only grown stronger with time. His grudge against magic and magic users is embedded in him, and it takes a LOT to actually change that sort of thing.

And, as I said before, Rollo doesn't want to change. He says it flat-out after hes defeated - his defeat might have been a roadblock, but hes still going to keep trying to eradicate magic (obviously not an exact quote, but thats basically the meaning in what he did say). Theres no sudden realization of 'maybe im wrong' or 'maybe I should change my ways', because those sorts of sudden developments are not accurate to his character.

Rollo as a whole is incredibly set in his ways, even down to the exact meal he eats for lunch every day of the year and the type of stationary he uses. He is all about careful self control and routine, not to mention the fact that he is likely INCREDIBLY stubborn. He just isnt the type to make hugely impactful changes to himself at the drop of the hat.

I do think its possible for him to eventually learn to let go of his hatred in the future, but that would also require him to actually open up to people and allow himself to face this head-on rather than falling back on habits - something that he is very averse to and in itself will take a lot of development on his end in order to happen.

Such a major change is something you work on over the span of months to YEARS, not a single night. Rollo not doing a 180 change isnt bad writing, its realistic.

[paingoes]

Destroyer is afk

(Masterlist)

another sherbet colored update. i really love simulating internet speech in writing i think its so fun

(Content: death mention, past trauma, self loathing, comfort??)

=======================

no posts in a month its over

they got him omg </3

Did indy fucking die?

RIP INDY

ndhakdvsnnd: can you guys stop saying that im dead  ndhakdvsnnd: also no more leaks until further notice. stop asking.

sunspot: Hey you don’t have to talk to us if you don’t want to but can you please give us some indication you’re still alive? 

sunspot: We’re really worried.

katkittykat: omg look at this video :3

katkittykat: have u ever seen a shark move like that in all ur life that shit is so crazy

katkittykat: hey where have u been lololol

katkittykat: are u mad at me :c

katkittykat: if its somethin i did can we talk abt it ??? 

katkittykat: okk ur making me nervous 

katkittykat: OH SHIT UR BACK

katkittykat: WTF

ndhakdvsnnd: hey sorry 

katkittykat: bro where did u go!!!! D:

ndhakdvsnnd: had to travel somewhere i couldnt bring my laptop

katkittykat: im rlly glad ur ok! 

ndhakdvsnnd: do you want me to send you the next batch

katkittykat: uhh yea only if ur up to it. whenever ur ready :3c

ndhakdvsnnd: i can do it now

katkittykat: ty sweetness

katkittykat: sunny wants u to answer him lol hes having an aneurysm xD

ndhakdvsnnd: okay

ndhakdvsnnd: hi

sunspot: Hey! 

ndhakdvsnnd: kitty said you wanted to talk to me

sunspot: Yes I wanted to know if you were okay because we hadn’t heard from you in a while

ndhakdvsnnd: obviously

sunspot: ?

sunspot: Why is that obvious?

ndhakdvsnnd: how would i be typing if i wasnt okay

sunspot: That doesn’t even make sense ?

sunspot: I assumed if you were offline for a month it was because you were either upset or in danger

ndhakdvsnnd: maybe i just have a day job to worry about

sunspot: In that case it would’ve been nice to receive some kind of warning so we wouldnt think you were hurt 

ndhakdvsnnd: i didnt have time

sunspot: You didn’t have time to type one sentence?

ndhakdvsnnd: okay im sorry

sunspot: Look I’m not trying to lecture you Im just saying we were concerned and I wanted to make sure you were alright.

ndhakdvsnnd: okay

sunspot: Everything’s really okay then? Nothing happened?

ndhakdvsnnd: i dont want to talk about it

sunspot: Alright.

sunspot: You know we care about you right?

ndhakdvsnnd: i didnt send a warning because i didnt know i was leaving until the last minute i didnt go by choice

ndhakdvsnnd: thanks for attacking me over it as soon as i got back though 

sunspot: Does it seem like I’m attacking you? 

ndhakdvsnnd: yes kind of

sunspot: I’m sorry then. I didn’t mean to.

ndhakdvsnnd: okay

sunspot: Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?

ndhakdvsnnd: i am just sad okay i am already getting yelled at all the time  i dont need to get it from you too 

ndhakdvsnnd: sorry this is stupid ill shut up

sunspot: No it’s okay! If you’re upset you can tell me that’s what I was messaging you about in the first place I had the feeling something was wrong

ndhakdvsnnd: are you sure

sunspot: Yes positive

ndhakdvsnnd: i just dont like feeling like everyone is disappointed or mad at me all the time i dont know 

ndhakdvsnnd: it would be one thing if i deserved it but i dont know i have been really really trying lately and it doesnt work and it makes me feel bad

ndhakdvsnnd: but i kind of deserve to feel bad so i dont know 

ndhakdvsnnd: im tired

sunspot: Why do you think you deserve to feel bad?

ndhakdvsnnd: a lot of reasons 

sunspot: I don’t think you deserve it.

ndhakdvsnnd: you dont know me though

ndhakdvsnnd: you wouldnt like me if you knew me 

sunspot: Well what I do know about you now is that you are risking your life and sanity to provide us information to help people.

sunspot: Just based on that I don’t think you deserve to feel so bad about yourself.

sunspot: I think the people you’re around are probably really hard on you and its affecting the way you see yourself.

ndhakdvsnnd: im sorry

sunspot: Why are you saying that?

ndhakdvsnnd: i dont know

ndhakdvsnnd: is it okay if i go to bed now 

sunspot: Goodnight! We can talk later if you’re up for it?

ndhakdvsnnd: okay gn

[herbertp]

TMP 14 Reactions

Someone on TikTok mentioned that Celia not drinking coffee is a hint she’s from the original TMA universe- I’m sad that this episode throws that idea away immediately because I loved that idea

Jealous Alice is so so sad

This Celia-Alice interaction is so Tim coded in the way Alice deflects

Worried Alice!! The Sam-Alice dynamic is so sweet- I’m hoping that we get more Tim and Sasha parallels from them

The transcript makes the interaction so much more awkward and makes it so obvious that Alice still holds some feelings

“Sam’s masculinity is spreading hanging by a thread”😭😭😭

Lena creeps me out in the same way Elias did in the first few seasons (the creepiness from Elias turned into blood boiling rage)

CHESTER VOICE!!! IM SO GLAD TO HEAR HIM AGAIN

The shopkeeper is giving corruption avatar vibes- I wonder if the rats and reptiles love him. Is he consumed by that which loves him?

The statement giver immediately talks to her dad when in trouble- do we think that the dad could be from the original TMA universe? Do we think the fears have been in this universe long enough for generations to be well-versed in knowledge of the fears?

A part of me thinks that the dad knows a lot about the fears- the way the statement giver promises they weren’t being nosy gives the vibe that their dad wants them to avoid the eye

CRICKETS ARE THE NEW WORMS????

WAIT NO ARE THE SNAKES THE NEW WORMS???

CORRUPTION TAKING THE STATEMENT GIVER WITHOUT HER CALLING OUT??? Is it an attack or has she turned into an avatar?

An institute rejecting the shopkeeper is weird- and Sam obviously connects it right to the Magnus Institute but if it is, it doesn’t align with the institute we know? It’s a weird idea that you could get rejected from it

Gwen being so uptight about getting each statement right is such a fun character thing- like even as she’s terrified about what the OIAR is doing she’s helping Sam categorize them and suggesting super specific categories

Sam’s trying to help is so sweet- the switch up with “of course not” made me sad for him though. I wonder how many times he’s been told he can’t understand something.

Sam babe who the hell hurt you. “No one ever does [have time for this]” like bruh what happened

Maybe that’s too mean to Sam but also- you’re going to go on another date with Celia and Alice explored the ruins with you and people just need a break

[the-stove-is-divorced]

HEY SO GUESS WHAT I NOTICED LATELY AND KEPT THINKING ABOUT AND WANTED TO SHARE WITH YOU

Mata and arajin both kinda achieved what they wanted to some part?

OK LEMME EXPLAIN : mata wanted to be stronger (why? To never be left behind again) and he did just that

Arajin wanted to be braver I think (why? To never leave behind a friend ever again)

And guess what

Come on guess it

THEY BOTH DID DO JUST THAT, BUT ONE FOCUSED MORE ON THE GOAL RATHER THAN THE WHY (Mata, with his delusional belief that getting stronger will solve everything) AND THE OTHER FOCUSED ON THE WHY MORE THAN THE GOAL (arajin, with him simply deciding that you can't leave behind a friend if you don't have any, he truly is the smartest idiot out there)

Mata is now much much stronger, maybe not the strongest but still, and arajin is much much more brave, maybe not the bravest but still much braver, especially when you see how they used to be and how they are rn

LIKE COME ON. COME ON. LIKE, ANOTHER LAYER TO THEIR RELATIONSHIP AND I KNOW IT'S A SIMPLE ONE TO NOTICE BUT I DIDN'T UNTIL TOO LATE AND GOD, THEY BOTH WILL NEVER BE SATISFIED TILL THE GOAL AND THE WHY BOTH GET ANSWERED, AND THAT WONT HAPPEN TILL BOTH DROP THEIR DELUSIONS AND WAIT IS THIS A LAYER OF NEVER FEELING LIKE YOU'VE DONE BEFORE IM SEEING??

(sorry for rambling, it just been circulating my mind for the past three days and my god I need that 2 hours analysis video asap)

OKAY! Finally had some time to give this my full attention, took me a minute. Hope the wait wasn’t too long. (Also trust I’ll get to your comment back but I try to reply to everything which means I need time to sit it down and Do That but I’ve been busy as shit UGHHH)

BUT RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! THE ADDED LAYERS OF THIS DYNAMIC IS SO GOOOOOOOOOOOOD. I’m so glad you mentioned this because I didn’t quite notice it as an added bit of their dynamic, but they both, as the should go, got a little bit of what they’ve wanted!!!! Which is really charming that they both kinda stay stubborn in their ways, regressing or simply doubling down respectively, and then actually both grow a little bit by the end! While obviously they should progress (or land somewhere other than where they’ve started until that’s another point/purpose), it’s just a charming detail they did get something, by actually dropping the delusion/confronting a bit of who they are and what things are actually like in reality.

They make me so ill, I think. I love my little bad coping mechanism mfs. They rlly thought if they just just dug their heels in, stubborn as shit, double down again and again, it’d just work out. Like no. Dumbass. I love them, though. They match each other’s narratively, but they haven’t caught got to the actual bestie / seeing each other completely yet. (SOBBING ABOUT IT ARAJIN LET DOWN UR MASK PLEASE—) (THERE IS MORE TO YOU I KNOW IT)

Also it will never not be funny to me Arajin rlly went giving “I’ve ever met this man before in my life”/“we’re not friends -_-” energy and Mata is just: “no we’re best friends :) best friends forever :) I’m simply ignoring what you said, you’re just a silly little jokester we’re the best friends in the entire planet trust me! We never stopped being friends! We’re super duper close! Fav guy in the whole world!!”

I love my pair of unreliable ass mfs, never trust them to take control of narration, you’re gonna be lied too.

Look at them. Unreliable ass mfs. I love them so much. They’re so precious to me. Unstoppable force vs unmovable object ass dynamic. Mutually not seeing each other ass dynamic. Denial buddies. Driven by fear ass mfs. “What if I just doubled down” like that’ll do anything. Idiots. I love them so much oh my god.

ALSO PLEASE SHARE RAMBLES AND IDEAS AND ALL THAT JAZZ! I love yapping about stuff like this! I’m just sluggish at replying back cause I’m gonna be busy as shit for a couple monthssssss.

[core4writes]

Hiii... can you maybe write a story were y/n is very reckless and always get herself in danger and colby have enough of that and like fuck her roughly cause he is frustrated with her then later break down and admit his fear of losing her ..... idk if you are writing though and if you are comfortable with the whole thing.... feel free to ignore it if you don't!

Either way thank you!❤️

i will be glad to do it! i have never written smut before so i think ill just skip that part till i get better at it.

Reckless

warning: sad ig, mentions of drug substance, mentions of alcohol

stuff in bold are flashbacks

pairing: Colby Brock x reader fem pronouns



y/n pov:

this past week all i have been doing is going to party to party with kat and stas, and everyday i am greeted with a hangover. i wake up in bed today with a deadly headache, the sun shining in my face. i pull the blankets hoping to decrease the aggravating pain in my head, the blankets were ripped off of me. "No more." i heard colby voice and open my eye slightly.

"what do you mean no more?" with confusion i sit up, colby is still staring at me with anger. i can just tell when he is angry, he breathes  more heavy. "No more partying, i have had enough." i look at him with a sly smile "what did i do this time? oh wait did i throw up on you again? sorry if i did." i laugh it off.

"im serious y/n. do you remember nothing that happened last night?" he points at me "you could have died."

flashback 

me, stas, kat, sam and colby were at the las Vegas bar called 'XS Nightclub' the hot spot for partying. i down my 9th shot of vodka with kat and stas and we went out into the dance floor, sam and colby stay at the bar watching us.

third person pov:

colby leaned over to sam "do you see a change in y/n?" sam wanted to say no i mean y/n is one of his close friends she will never change, but he didnt want to lie to his best friend. "yeah dude, but if she is happy-" sam was cut off by colby "y/n didnt even like alcohol but now look at her, downing it like its nothing." colby sighs

sam and colby looks at y/n on the dance floor, y/n swings her hips to the music. someone tapped her on her shoulder, "excuse me, where are the bathrooms?"

y/n can not hear over the loud music "what? oh, its over there let me show you." y/n pointed to the entrance "okay." the tall girl says and then they just disappear.

colby thinks nothing of it because he trust his girlfriend, "man, i need another shot."

hours go by and stas and kat come back to sam and colby, "guys, we cant find y/n." colby looked at kat and stas with eyes wide open and his face went pale. "wait, what do you mean you cant find her she was just with you." stas looked at colby, "yeah but she went to show some girl the bathroom and never came back."

sam, colby, kat and stas looked everywhere for y/n. they didnt find her till they saw her outside the club walking down the street. "y/n, where are you going." colby runs up to y/n, "im going to the gas station im hungry." she said whiny.

"we are going home." colby says

end flashback

y/n pov:

"oh... im sorry." my voice quieted down

"sorry? your sorry? you could have gotten hurt, like kidnapped or hit by a bus." colby voice yelled.

"well im here now so." i said

"im scared of you leaving me okay? you change into this party animal and im scared of just losing you, the old you. And you don't talk to me about your problems anymore you're just so reckless. I need you,I need you to be here with me physically and mentally." colbys voice cracked.

The silence was heavy for minutes.

"I didn't know you felt like that. "Should've told me about that sooner I would understand." I say.

Colby crawls on the bed next to me, sobbing."I just don't wanna lose you." colby cries into my chest. "i know baby i know."

"i love you."

it was a little bit rushed at the end, my first writing piece ever hope I didn't do bad.💕

[mamawasatesttube]

the reason why you wrote jason into string on til morning is so real. i admit i did actually reimagine the pancake scene to be cass instead when i read it and hearing you say this is so vindicating.

that aside, can i just say how much i Loved straight on til morning? i don't think i actually left a comment but i want you to know that this is the first ever fic where i've actually enjoyed the use of chat. as in i usually hate it so much that seeing chat sometimes makes me stop reading but you did it so well, and i loved the conversations between yj (and the fact that they also had a group with anita greta and cissie!!! they don't have to still be heroes to be friends!!! though i'll forever stand by anita should have been able to keep being a hero this obviously wasn't about her, and mainly i just wanted to say that it's so lovely that you kept the connection between all of them). i loved how you wrote each of them texting and also how it feels like kon has this little bubble of warmth coming from his phone even alone in his sad apartment.

anyway that was way too long but the whole fic was so good. clark and kon!!! and kon's reasons for going for journalism... his sense of obligation to the kents and to tana. it's so sad and so good and i love how hopeful everything is and that you gave him so much breathing room to work things out. this is very rambly but i only realized when i saw your post that you were in tumblr and that i hadn't commented and i just wanted to say how amazing your fic was

oh fuck you're so right actually maybe i'll go just ctrl-F all mentions of jason in that chapter to cass real fast alskdjaflsdjalsd

and thank you so much!!! honestly i think chats/texts are a form of epistolary and i looove a well-done epistolary work - one of these days i want to tackle a longer full epistolary piece with like, in-universe news articles and stuff. they're a narrative tool like any other, and while i def concur that chatfics are often ooc and cracky i don't think the chat/text medium is inherently worse! it just depends how it's used. i personally love to think about how different characters would text (cassie, a bay area girlies, uses a lot of LOL and OMG and txt-lingo and abbreviations. bart's responses over text are Always the same timestamp as the message before, never even one minute later. things like that) and how you can sorta come up with different tones just via texting! it's enrichment to me. so thank you!! glad to hear it works :D

AND YEAH i really sat there for a while going hmm. i don't actually know what kon would go into careerwise! and then it hit me that if i don't know, kon definitely doesn't have to know either. he's such a fun character to explore the sense of duty with because the most surface-level reading of him looks like he's just a hedonist and a silly little guy, but then you get to things like how deeply he blames himself for the death of that one superboy impersonator or the camera crew that cyborg superman killed in front of him, etc., and it's just so... ough!!!! and his issues with tana's death in particular just. yeah that would i think tip him over the edge into thinking he Has to follow in superman's footsteps and be a journalist. he has to be Like Superman. he owes it to tana. (he does not have to do any of this but he needs a minute 😭.)

thank you again!!! <3 this was such a sweet message im very happy to hear it all!!!

[sieglinde-freud]

so the way endings in awakening work is a bit off if you have the gay mod because it reads single people normally, but married people have the man’s ending read, and then his wife just. attached. and so that alters which ending you see for both of them. unfortunately, that means if i have f/f pairs, which most of them were, i dont get to see any because none of them were read. and at least with the second gen, i did almost entirely f/f pairs, which dont show up, or m/m pairs, which had nothing written, so. everyone please give it up for gerome and cynthia, the only second gen ending i got to see!

😭😭 good for them!!! anyways unorganized final thoughts under cut so i dont have to make a whole other post for it

awakening lunatic sucks! but project thabes makes it suck a little less. in all honesty i had a lot of fun, awakenings a good game to revisit, and finding a way to make it challenging while being able to use my favorite units (awakening second gen) ever was awesome. normally having all 13 (or 14 in this case, with both morgans) would break the game, but lunatic kept the enemies strong, so it didnt matter what my units had. i actually got overwhelmed a lot 😭 HUGE difficulty jump between hard and lunatic all i’m saying. and then the games like “hey now u have lunatic+ if that interests you” NOOOOO THANKS.

anyways. here are my top three guys according to the medal thingies at the end

im so proud of them :3 of all the kids really but yeah these three were huge standouts. virion actually got a change in the mod where one of his subclasses was swapped for myrmidon, so yarne got to inherit astra which was actually insane? it procced ALL THE TIME so. that was crazy. chrom!inigo and fred!cynthia are always good thats not new but they were really clutch in the last few chapters. i had them both hopping around classes for most of the game bc thabes redoes skill progression so. IT TOOK CYNTHIA SO LONG TO LEARN LUNA. ITS FROM WYVERN LORD. GOD. she went through a LOT of classes yall dont even know. also honorable mention to marc and morgan, the best rallybots ever, and dancer lucina, who was outserving everyone she was in a scene with. my girl.

like ok serving cunt on the back of the god youre about to kill? get it girl!

anyways so for second gen pairs i did: lucina/f!morgan, owain/m!morgan, inigo/laurent, yarne/brady, severa/kjelle, nah/noire, and cynthia/gerome and you know what. i think i have a great taste. a lot of these were born from being unable to do other pairings but thats ok. i liked how it turned out. though i was gonna do nah/noire anyways because they were actually like. an insane duo. honestly im surprised noire didnt get a medal thing bc i feel like her nostanking with nah backing her up got me out of so much shit. maybe its because i didnt see her ending… oh. oh wait thats probably it. well. anyways.

i think awakening is not a properly balanced game, nor are the maps made for a difficulty like this. towards the end game especially, the maps are just. flat. most of them anyways, and they just become really repetitive and bland and boring. and despite this being the game with the tactician character of all the time, they dont really allow you flexible strategies, because if youre not pair up stat stacking, you will die! and that sucks. mid game is alright, but the last arc is really weak and kinda dampered my whole experience. im glad i did it, but i wouldnt actually reccomend it to anyone unless you like to play like that (which is totally fine! its just not my thing). definitely requires some solid planning as well. all in all, not the worst fire emblem ive played but… well. im not doing it again. ok anyways heres inigo mouthing off at grima

[tododeku-or-bust]

been thinking about your posts and list and everything and..... like ok ik i dont like fandom whatsoever but i presumed it was more coz im awkward and all that shit that comes w but. i realize the sensation of just. not fitting in whatsoever... i never shared my race nor felt comfortable sharing my race online and in fandom. and i have seen some vitriolic shit but sat there and let it happen - and i think thats the most haunting thing. i just let it be said, cuz the second i do, im gonna be at somebodys ire. now im trying not be like that anymore and call out bullshit when i see it, but the fact that it was basically me being a whole bystander to fandom racism online just so i would not be at the ire of antiblackness. im just. ok. this is not asking you to absolve me hope it dont come off that way, this is more something i know i learn from. but this shit is still lingering to this day, and fandom shouldnt have been the thing that did THAT! how did fandom, a community of people, make me so isolating!!! i have no interest in community, and im only just unlearning that maybe i DO want community!!! and i didnt accept the fact i was half black til last fucking year!!!!!!!!!!!!! sometimes i wonder how much happier and comfortable in my own skin if i didnt try to act all nice and quiet for ppl who dont give a shit abt reconsidering why fandom is so void of black ppl

Well first, I'm sorry that it took you so long to overcome your internalized antiblackness, but I'm happy and proud that you were able to look within and start that process for yourself. Many people can't admit they hate themselves. Because you're right, you would have been a lot happier in your own skin if you weren't pressuring both yourself and receiving pressure from the world to hate your Blackness.

And it isn't safe to fight antiblackness. Black fans know what comes with the experience and may try to protect themselves by never mentioning it, having to swallow the indignity or not ever participate at all. People deem discussing race as a threat, it's "not fun" and it's "causing infighting". It can isolate you; ruin an entire potential presence bc you broke the status quo.

It's why most nonblack fans choose to be bystanders, and therefore... Are choosing antiblack racism. That fear of stepping in is at least something nonblack people have the option of having; I have to face it! That's the life I have to live, is knowing that this sort of hatred exists for me, and the only way I can "not deal with it" is by lowering my head and accepting that I'm less than. That's the only "easy" way out.

But I choose my humanity along with the difficulty. And I'm glad you're starting to recognize that- you are worth fighting for, your humanity is worth fighting for! No need to be nice and quiet for people to enjoy your suffering- fuck em lmao. If EYE don't get peace, YEW don't get peace!

As for community, yeah you're probably not gonna find it in fandom, least not unconditional. That's been a hard lesson for me to swallow, too. It hurt, bc you walk in expecting to have community with people who like the same stuff you do!! But, unfortunately they're bringing their real world biases with them. Anyway, some of us are doing what we can to make it so, but... Tis a long battle. You keep working on yourself though!

[night-dark-woods]

ok Exordia review time (not spoiler free!) since i finished it a few days ago. this is long and rambling and unedited.

4/5 i love Seth's writing and im glad they got to play with scifi again BUT i think they needed a better editor OR to split it more cleanly into sections- in one of the interviews they said it was originally a series of novellas each from a single POV, and i think the constraint of that would have made it a much tighter story.

one of the best things about their Destiny lore is how much they do with so little- thinking of this section from the Beyond Light CE:

Disaster at the worksite. Clearly we will not be moving Clarity Control like we did the K1 artifact. It reacted violently to the attempt. I have entered 19 casualties into the log, since 19 engineers from the Hannu team were caught in its reaction...though there were many more than 19 bodies when it was finished. I have sequestered the recordings. Especially the sensorium telemetry. Quite upsetting. Yet I do not believe it was an act of hostility. Even this outburst carried themes of duplication...as if Clarity Control wanted to show it could help me.

which i was originally thinking of as a first run at Blackbird, but i think these may have been simultaneous? i'm not actually sure. i know Exordia was started after the first Baru book was published, but i'm not sure how much lead time there is for the CEs.

or the clarity of Unveiling compared to a lot of what felt like similar ideas that took much longer to get thru in Exordia. primes. pink noise. math. alright lets fucking gooo oh wait. five more pages of ethics first. okay sure i'll do that for ya Seth bc i love your prose. which also. a) conway game of life mentioned!!! b) this part from Exordia made me LOSE MY MIND:

But that was impossible. The whole universe came from the same source: the same designers. I was part of one of them. If I could only remember... We were arguing, I think. Or maybe we were the argument, because gods cannot do things, they can only be them. We were in contest over the morality of infinities: the cardinality of all possible souls measured against the mere infinity of souls to ever be born...

(this is the part from Unveiling, for the optimistically two people who will read this who haven't read Destiny lore):

Once upon a time,* a gardener and a winnower lived** together in a garden.*** * It was once before a time, because time had not yet begun. ** We did not live. We existed as principles of ontological dynamics that emerged from mathematical structures, as bodiless and inevitable as the primes. *** It was the field of possibility that prefigured existence. They existed, because they had to exist. They had no antecedent and no constituents, and there is no instrument of causality by which they could be portioned into components and assigned to some schematic of their origin. If you followed the umbilical of history in search of some ultimate atavistic embryo that became them, you would end your journey marooned here in this garden.

at the same time, idk what i would remove- at very few points was i reading something that dragged, with the exception of spending a LOT of time with Erik and Clayton in the middle (this is when i put the book down for a month and a half or so). and i know so many people were like sickos.jpg about them However their dynamic did sooo little for me and i don't think Rosamaria was given enough time on the page (and i think having her Be the ship was weird- i recognize that Blackbird needs to have a voice to make the plot go, but i don't think this was the best or neatest way to do it, and collapsed a lot of what i found fundamentally so interesting about Blackbird into something akin to a standard scifi Ship AI).

again i think the restriction of each section of the story being from a single POV might have been the restriction needed to end up with a tighter story- at no point were the multiple plot threads & POVs confusing, per say, but i'm not sure what the structure did for the story bc we could switch to whoever could tell us the most about what was happening whenever convenient, instead of having to piece things together from a limited POV. i'm thinking again of the BLCE, this time the part where Clovis is talking about Maya Sundaresh behaving erratically- i'm no Ishtar group expert but i believe we are supposed to put together that these are all different iterations of her from within the garden). oh- i also wonder if Aixue and Chaya are another run at Maya and Chioma to some degree...

anyway. i also think i am also less the target audience for this book because seth loooves their trolley problems and i simply do not have the patience for it! i loved the hard scifi and the first contact aspects and the character work (Seth's character work is, as always, spectacular. their characters always feel deeply real and flawed in very human ways, while still being exaggerated in the ways characters have to be to function as plot fulcrums), but this isnt something like Baru where i can be like yes you should read this to everyone i talk to.

I think the language in the book is DELIGHTFUL, as always, especially how Seth plays with the idea of an alien translator that sometimes can get an English equivalent to something and sometimes can't! i think that's very fun. because it's on my mind bc ive been listening to the Shelved by Genre episodes on it, it makes me think of Book of the New Sun, and how the "translator" figure of G.W. talks about picking words that are close but they aren't being used like we would use them now- e.g. "metal" in BotNS isnt the same thing we think of as metal! its used more broadly! but its close enough in purpose and point to work just fine. the destriers have horns. i need to know if Seth has read these books.

but back to Exordia. here are some specific prose parts i fucking loved.

this part of the full-page loving, detailed, and technical description of 40 alien nukes detonating in atmosphere:

In the band of thickening atmosphere twenty-five to thirty-five kilometers above the Earth, these gamma rays slam into atoms of oxygen and nitrogen, stripping their orbiting electrons. The orphaned electrons hurtle away at 90 percent of lightspeed. They want to go in a straight line, but hold on now, it's not so easy to leave home. Earth's magnetic field bends their course. They begin to spiral down. When an electron moving near lightspeed has to turn, it emits synchrotron radiation. Poison light. And beneath each bomb there are 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 electrons swerving at once. The result is a blast of electromagnetic noise. No: not noise. A coherent pulse, spiking and faling in harmony. Shiva's own beat drop on electrical civilization. An EMP.

This part. i love Anna and wish we got more of her.

He gives her back her Glock. She accepts it with resignation. "You'd better get your men ready," she says. "It's going to be bad." "Women too," he says, trying for lightness. "The pilot's a woman. We've got a female forward surgeon, a psyops lead, a linguist- she's pretty badass, ran with SEALs in Afghanistan. And Lt. Gainer, she might have some advice for-" "For what?" Anna says calmly. "Advice for what, Erik? How to get killed in a feminine way?"

Seth has such a good and specific way of writing metaphors. a little bit Douglas Adams:

The upshot is: the air around the engine exhaust beam explodes outward with a sound like a tuning fork hit by a Space Shuttle launch. Lung-jellying power. Anything in the beam path suffers the short, severe influence of a needle faster and hotter than a vajra thunderbolt. Anything around the beam eats fireball.

& this part. again. i wish more of the book was Anna and Ssrin's fucked up kismessitude. or whatever.

She slides the barrel of the weapon into the uppermost crater on Ssrin's spine. Slick pain makes Ssrin hiss in psuvoluntary fury: psuvoluntary because it is reflex subject to veto- she could quash it, but the feeling is deliciously wrong, and it is so good to bare her fangs and to unleash that ancient khai instinct of pain-as-motivation. "Questionsss," Ssrin gasps. "I want to know how this story ends." Oh serendura. You'll wish you hadn't asked. You'll wish you'd gone in with your eyes shut and your tongue in your throat so you couldn't smell the poison til it was too late.

which also!!! that's something i love about the Ssrin POV like. Seth is always good at writing aliens and slipping in details that tell us about them. "tongue in your throat" to not smell the poison bc she is a snake alien and smells with her tongue!!! that rules!!!

[molqr]

the ask game. can we get the soy

of courseeee you can its always spy pussy indulgence hour here. or however the meme goes. smiles face

this is loooowwwngg so im putting it under a cut for any poor fucker who may stumble upon it when they open the app lmfao. thanks for the ask mr musichead aka heavy tf2's husband. grins

how i feel about this character - gestures to bio and pfp and everything about me. god. im sick in the head about her. i originally didnt like spy all that much but, like a horrible mold, he grew on me when i realised that while he claims to be better than everybody else, he really isnt. maybe even a bit worse, and god, isnt that just the funniest, stupidest fucking thing ever. have you heard some of those voice lines, shes a fucking clown. anyway. i love spy tf2 but also dear god i hate him. if he was real i'd throw a brick at him and then kiss him. terrible choice really but i wouldnt have it any other way. thank you shithead frenchman with terrible horrible problems i like to study. as for a more comprehensive thing though: i really do just think spy is interesting. i think its weird and fascinating that hes so put together and so off-putting all at once. i love thinking about what happened between him and scout's mother. i like making him a pathetic absentee father. i like that he has identity issues. i like that i can make her a woman. that spy can be a bit of a wreck and extremely put together at the same time, that when a character wants to keep everything a secret, any information you have on them feels personal. i like it when spy is written the way thick fog feels. oh and did i mention i desire him most horribly. id assume thats obvious by now. spy is like a rubix cube to me. a boring little square who i regretfully want to shoot my shot at piecing together despite the fact i am not good at puzzles.

all the people i ship romantically with this character - ME MOTHERFUCKER!! kiddinggg. well. its true, but heres a better answer. tf2 is like the yaoi franchise to me, and spy is the most yaoiful of all simply because i specifically want to suck face with him, therefore, i make him suck face with many others. gay, i know. i fuck with most spy ships really, as long as theyre Good then i'll give them a shot. engiespy and sniperspy are classic general go-tos, but well written spoovy? yummmm my fucking dinnaaarrr. i also think that demospy and soldierspy can be fun if gotten right, and pyrospy just because i think it's really fucking funny. oh right and of course spyma. christ. they make me feel sickkk and one of them is barely even a proper character. sad. endlessly intruiged by their love nonetheless <3 still gotta write a fic for them sometime, i want to chew on em like a dog with a bone.

my non-romantic otp for this character - while i did literally just mention spoovy lmfao, i also just like it when heavy and spy are just close friends. they have many layers! im a sucker for the idea of spy knowing russian and that's how they start talking. i think they'd be teerrrribllleee gossips it'd be great. heavy never thought he'd be glad nobody else on the base can speak russian until he started gossiping with spy about the things hes seen on base. i know they talk sooo much shiiittttt. they probably have a bookclub too. // i also really like it when spy and pauling get to be friends, i feel like they entered some sort of understanding that while its paulings job to kill him if he keeps on snooping around, spy is going to snoop around anyway and just hope that when it happens, pauling kills him painlessly. but thats all theoreticals, right now they're talking about nothing- both kind of infuriating and relaxing for the both of them- while disposing of corpses. yknow, people who acknowledge that they might hate eachother in a slightly different world but right now they're friends because they realised overworked, tired, definitely too smart for this but still here anyway style bitches have to stick together. i think about the 'youve lied for her then?' 'oh! uh! not to you of course!' ' ,':I mhm...' interaction a lot. spy doesnt take it personally because she knows thats just paulings job, shes not surprised. she gets to be annoyed about it though, and will then do the same thing to pauling. i like their friendship. smilllessss.

my unpopular opinion about this character - i originally couldnt think of something to say in regards to spy but then it hit me like a flash of lightning. i think people make too much dark spyhead content. and i dont understand acting like the blu spy is better than the red one when theyre the same lady. back on the head though. like i cant lie i have a paticularly weakness for it at times but theres So Much Hard Angst. and it usually makes medic overly sadistic and horrible about it when i know thats not the case. 'but he kept him alive in the fridge!' says a theoretical hater. engineer was smiling when he blew of a guys arm in meet the engineer. soldier cuts off the blu teams heads and collects them. truly you can make near everything shit scary about these guys, but i just want to see more silly spyhead stuff if its going to be done so much. not to say i hate it perse i think its really fun, it just veers really heavily into overly sadistic torture stuff really fast?? my feeling on it is 'guy who watches cartoon violence and says what the fuck thats so fucked up what the hell hes dead you just hit him with a huge hammer' or something. its meant to be silly and i get wanting to have a dark spin on it, you cant forget its still silly at its core. i feel like ive complained about this before. anyway. lollipop chainsaw his ass! let him get back at medic but not in a paticularly sinister way! like, i dunno, dyeing all his birds an ugly shade of green or something. this seems more like me complaining about a trope of spy uhhh whats something more general about him as a character. errr. hes not as put together as it might seem? i think he'd be a bit more bloodthirsty about killing people when its not neccesary on missions and its just gross and weird? that people need to like, play into his grossness a bit more because hes wearing a full piece suit on a battlefield i know hes gross and sweaty. oh and that he wouldnt try to parent scout once he(scout) figures out theyre related because scout is 27 and doesnt give a fuck anymore. spy would sorta feel the need to from guilt but scout doesnt want that father-son relationship with spy because its too late and too weird. its just that spy is trying to project almost thirty years of feelings by imagining his son needs a father in his life as much as spy wanted his son in his life. but its too late. is that an unpopular opinion? idk. i just like making spy more torn up about the absentee father issue than scout is because i think its true. yeagh. out of all of them i feel like this is relatively tame in the 'unpopular opinions' levels. i have way more hot takes about the others. shruggssss

one thing i wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon - more making fun of him. stomping on his ego. being afraid of pyro for no reason. acting like a weird cat. acting like he hates hanging out with the others when its obvious hes having fun deep down. getting to be a weirdo. i need to see what the finale of the 'pretends to be tom jones while scout is dying' thing is. my prediction is that soldiers going to talk about killing tom jones in comic 7 and scout goes WHAT!! BUT HE WAS THERE WHEN I DIED!! and it all comes piecing together and spy has a Horrible day. if it was up to me i'd get to see more of spy and scout's ma on dates too or something because i think theyre really cute. i want more people to mention he smells bad because of the cigarette breath and to have him wheezing and coughing and spluttering after every 5 breaths. can medic have an organ transplant hall of shame with 3 pairs of spys shrivelled lungs? please.

anyway. im very normal about The Soy.

i had to do something like this or id die. xoxo

oh and the ask game itself x <- behold