#im forcing myself to go to bed bc idk what the fuck is going on

[mangoes-and-mothman]

i washed my face and i feel less evil

[twinkleomorashi]

(Not omo, mental health mention but not really a vent just a personal post)

I think my little roadtrip situation will be good for me bc me and my gf are spending four whole days together in which I will basically be forced to get over myself lmfao.

Like oh we’re going to the beach?? Gotta take off my shirt for my swimsuit in front of my gf!

Sleeping in the same bed?? It’ll be okay to hold her and be held

So many opportunities to kiss and hold hands too! Skills I am still mastering lol.

I know it’s funny because hahaha I run like a well known (by piss standards) horny blog and write infinite smut but after what happened with my ex im so terrified of intimacy but i WANT IT SO BAD. I actually can’t even think about me and my gf actually fucking like I get so flustered that that is even a possibility. I want it so baddd she’s literally the hottest girl on the planet I see her and my brain short circuits. but in order for that to happen I need to AT LEAST get over myself first.

Who knows tho maybe as a graduation present my brain and the universe will allow me some lesbian sex as a treat idk

[leclerced]

before i head to bed—i absolutely agree. i think with max heavily involved for the rbr!driver au, lestappen would fit and then for the ferrari driver!au it strictly just charles. also a name would work perfectly to tell the difference! I sorta like Bones as a name (chosen name) but name is up for discussion! but me thinks having such an unique name would help, also because Bones sounds so like deathly and like somebody you'd associate with goth/emo group but then this happy wild card driver is bouncing around talking anybody's ear off is HYSTERICAL to me.

Also LESTAPPEN RIVALRY YES PLEAAAASE.

(imma stick with Bones for the time being as the name): Like Bones genuinely is confused when Max is so upset and pissy that she got with charles because yeah they hate each other but bones is like ‘?? we’re not fucking?? why are you so pissed???’ But Bones being a little shit i would die for. Bones just happily lets him take a picture and send it to charles and is actually excited to see the outcome because hello, two of the most popular drivers are like fighting over her. she’s allowed a bit of an inflated ego with that. she’s so happy-go-lucky, sunshine, always sweet & caring (unless charles but even still) to the public so nobody in a million years would expect her to be a little shit and sorts fueling a fire like this. especially when charles texts her asking what the fuck are those hickies on her thighs and demanding answers from max because ‘thought you guys weren’t fucking?? what changed??’ and probably making it his mission to not only get back at max but make sure bones remembers who they fucked first

and hell, to really add fuel, she’d probably wear a skirt with knee highs that are just a bit too big on her so she’s gotta have garter belts on to keep them up but part of the hickies are showing and she’s just “lalala” and maybe some people are bold enough to ask but she shrugs it off like “nothing! don’t worry bout silly clumsy me!” but she knows max and charles knows exactly what they are.

this fire is rapidly spreading between the two and bones just somehow in the middle but also on the sidelines roasting marshmallows straight vibing because they’re secretly a little shit who likes chaos and like maybe i’ve already thought of bones history which involves a really shitty ex and this is the first time they’ve felt wanted by anybody, let alone two guys like max and charles soooo.

if you’ll allow, i can ramble bout bones history tomorrow >:) also when i get around to forcing myself to update my blog (the thought tires me out LMAO) and really flesh this out, would you be down to be tagged in the post since we’ve been rambling nonstop bout it? 👀👀-🐈‍⬛

omg hi sorry i didnt answer this last night i finished baking at 11 pm n passed out 🥺

im not a big fan of the nickname bones bc i have watched the show bones a million times and it makes me think of decaying bodies so .. tbh its a turn off.

u can tell me ur idea ab her histroy but i have an idea ab it too but its opposite kinda ! i kinda want her to be someone who never committed to anyone, she fully committed to racing and never dated because media already spoke so much about her love life. idk what other countries are like but i can totally imagine her being american and it’s prom season so all her friends back home are getting asked to the dance, going dress shopping, and she’s on the other side of the world in a racing championship. interviewers keep asking her if she’s sad about missing out on prom and all crossing the stage for her high school graduation, and she’s just like “well considering i’m currently first in a fight for the f3 championship, i’d certainly rather be here fighting for this trophy than a prom queen sash.” very independent and always shoots down questions about her love life and is like “i don’t hear you asking anyone else that, why are you asking me?” or completely ignoring them until someone’s like “hey they asked you a question.” she just shrugs and says, “i’ve already said i’m not going to answer questions about my personal life. ask me about the race, or the car.”

maybe was fwb with a driver from another team in the past or even a past teammate so it’s kind of a comfortable dynamic to fall into with charles and max. she loves the chaos. she def loved pitting them against each other before the whole hickey fiasco, but when she fucks max and he leaves those hickeys on her thighs, it only gets worse. i can imagine if they’re in the same hotel charles could come banging on max’s door.

[periwinkleheart]

get to know me game (˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ୧ ‧₊˚ ⋅ ☆

tagged by the cutest! person! alive! : @loves0ft

tagging:♡ @evenofmyday ♡ chatoyervictoria ♡ junez ♡ yukicrossu ♡ @pssionfruits ♡ @guhara ♡@soulazul ♡ @un1over ♡

birthday: november 9

favourite colour: lavender and periwinkle

do you have pets?: no but my sister has a dog named nikko. we look after him sometimes, so that's the closest i have to a pet

how tall are you?: like 5'4?

how many pairs of shoes do you own?: that i regular wear, 3. i have a few more but i never wear them

favourite song: atm big flirt by lil hero and it's a wrap by mariah carey ft mary j blige, shooting star by xg

favourite movie: i dont watch movies. but lol i'd have to say white chicks or rush hour

who would be your ideal partner?: i feel like that closest would be, if you know who stephanie soo is, her cousin dan dan 🤭🥰 that type of personality i love. i could spend the rest of my life with someone like him

do you want children?: i keep going back and forth with it. idk. i feel like i need to be in a serious relationship and be married to have a final answer

have you gotten in trouble with the law?: lol does running a redlight count?

what colour socks are you wearing?: orange with lighting bolts

favourite type of music: pop, kpop, rap, old school reggaeton, the old mexican music every parents likes, like marco antonio solis, stuff like that. ig ive been listening to more bandas too.

how many pillows do you sleep with?: i use a body pillow as a pillow... i used to have pillows but idk what happened to them, and i keep putting off buying pillows

what position do you sleep in?:  my sides or fetal position. im trying to force myself to sleep on my back bc i heard that good for you, but i sleep better on my sides/fetal

what don’t you like when you’re sleeping: i takes me a while for me to sleep. or when i'm about to fall asleep my leg fucking jolts and im awake, so thats a recent thing thats been happening to me sometimes

what do you have for breakfast: i don't usually eat breakfast. but if i have something, its usually a match iced tea / iced chai tea latte from starbucks with something from their bakery

have you ever tried archery?: in school for gym class... i fucking sucked at it. but on wii sports... i'm the baddest bitch

favourite fruit: starfuits, cherries, strawberries, mangos, peaches, kiwis, mandarines 🤤

are you a good liar?: yes? no? idk ig i am

what’s your personality type?: idk, bc every time i take that damn quiz it always changes!!! like how can ive gotten intp, infp, enfp, istp, isfp like?!?!!?

innie or outie?: innie

left handed or right handed?: right

favourite food: sopes!!! or pupusas!!! fuckin loves those

favourite foreign food: i love thai food. everything ive tried is just sooo good. ughhhh!! Phở too!

am i clean or messy?: hehe i say im organized messy, but ppl say im clean. bc i am but the only thing that i have that is 'messy' is my bed, bc i never make it... and even that isnt messy, but my mexican parents say otherwise

most used phrase: 

how long does it take for you to get ready: depending. when i work at the school, about 30-40 minutes. but when i work at the clubhouse, about 10-15 minutes.

do you talk to yourself?: hehe yeah

do you sing to yourself?: only when i'm alone or in my car

are you a good singer?: i dont think so. id say average but i dont sing in front of anyone to know if i am

biggest fear?: idk, i feel like anything if i overthink it. heights?? but i like rollercoasters... but i'll get dizzy if i look over the second floor of a mall... going to the top of the willis tower made me dizzy. the deep ocean 😳

are you a gossip?: no, but ppl tell me gossip so i hear it regardless

do you like long or short hair?: both are nice

favourite school subject: english or social studies. art

extrovert or introvert: introvert

what makes you nervous: having ppl look at me. i hate making eye contact with ppl. but like if im ordering something i will look at the cashier, i'm not a dickhead. just hate looking at ppl or ppl looking at me in passing, especially when im driving

who was your first real crush?:  this guy named martin in first grade. i thought he was cute. lol but apparently we dated but i NEVER spoked to him or had a class with him. sooo... idk how we dated, but a classmate of ours told me in sixth grade that we did, and that threw me off, bc like i said, i never spoke to him. lol so i technically cheated on him like three times without knowing... sorry man

how many piercings?: seven atm. i wanna get my collar bones and maybe like one more ear piercing but idk what yet

how many tattoos?: none yet bc i still live with my parents and i feel like they will kick me out if i do

how fast can you run?: idk i dont have a reason to run. id say average??!??

what colour is your hair?: dark brown and blonde. im forcing myself to grow it out bc i fucked it up too much. wigs have been helping me fight the urge but i still wanna dye it!!!

what colour are your eyes?: dark brown

what makes you angry: those fucking bright led headlights!!!! i hate those things. that shit shouldnt be legal, its distracting, and i will bash your lights you dickhead

do you like your name?: i used to hate it bc i make me think of old white ladies but now im okay with it. i like my middle name or the nicknames my nephews used to call me when they were first starting to talk

do you want a boy or a girl as a child?: idc but i have i strong feeling that, if i do have kids, my first one will be a girl. idk why but i'm calling it

what are your strengths?: i'm a good listener, i have a good patience

what are your weaknesses?: i get annoyed easily

what is the colour of your bedspread?:  white

colour of your room: white

[birgosaurus]

real arcane moments (canon /s), the master list ((AKA i was playing THE SIMS 4 to make some of the arcane cast and..))

[also disclaimer this is mainly jayce and viktor lmao]

jayce thinks he and vi are besties for some reason?? i just wanted to introduce jinx, vi and cait to viktor and jayce (bc they’re two seperate households) and like… upon jayce and vi first meeting, they had 2 similar interests and he was instantly like, “omg…. you!! YOU!! /p”

they talk and it’s vi: .. fitness jayce: YEAHHHH FITNESS *stops conversation to do push ups*

my man wakes up, like, 12pm, which is about the time vi starts working. so he’ll wake up to call her, WHILE she’s at work, to say shit like, “heyyyy this person asked me out 🥺🥺🥺🥺 should i say yes” “idk man IM AT WORK AND I DONT CARE”

also idk why but jinx is nocturnal i literally didn’t even do this myself .she just goes to bed at 5am every morning, EXACTLY when caitlyn wakes up. jinx sleeps in until, like, 3pm. they both have completely different sleep cycles despite living in the same house. I TRY TO GIVE JINX A NORMAL SLEEP SCHEDULE AND IT DOESN’T WORK. SHE’LL ALWAYS WAKE UP AT 3-5AM TO RUN AROUND THE HOUSE FOR A MIDNIGHT SNACK. /lh i was meant to make u two enemies. i was meant to make u hate each other behind vi’s back. why is this happening.

meanwhile viktor and jayce wake up at the same time. go to bed at the exact same time. they’re scarily in sync. are really close. but keep tormenting each other through pranks. jayce will point one way, viktor looks behind him. “BOO.” viktor jumps. they both laugh. THIS SHIT HAPPENS CONSTANTLY. VICE VERSA. and the amount of random arguments they have without my input?????. are y’all ok?.?????

they once got into an argument and jayce kicked over the bin outside. he walks back in. viktor is still on the couch. jayce sits next to him. but there’s music playing. so of course, jayce started angrily head bopping. because it’s important u always dance to music no matter what mood ur in. viktor jus groovin, too, while ignoring him. jayce eventually calms down. happy head bopping :). viktor then tells him off for kicking over the bin. fucking ANGRY. HE STORMS OUTSIDE. AGAIN. KICKS OVER THE BIN. AAGGAAIIN.

also idk i find it funny jayce plays christmas music and vibes while viktor is like “for the love of god shut that shit off right now.” i might’ve purposely made jayce like christmas music. i might’ve purposely made viktor hate it. what of it?

i always have to force viktor to socialise , too. he refuses to talk to anyone on his own BUT jayce. his literal roommate. who talked to him mainly with my input. most of the time jayce will invite people over and viktor avoids them as much as possible. once he walked out of his room, saw cait and vi at the dining table with jayce, stopped, and then decided reading a book in his room would probably be a better use of his time.

genuinely got so confused when i tried to introduce the girls to the hexbros tho bc i got cait to interact with viktor but for some reason, when checking through her acquaintances list later, viktor wasn’t there? but jayce WAS… and they’d only briefly been introduced. DID VIKTOR JUST WAVE HER OFF OR SMTH LMAO???? WHAT HAPPENED I DIDNT SEE

the first time vi and cait properly interacted was when vi went to cook (which she does a surprising amount for someone i wouldn’t expect to cook???) and she LIT HERSELF. ON FIRE. and cait LITERALLY HAD TO PUT HER OUT. can’t believe the “how i met my girlfriend” story is “yeah she lit herself ON FIRE <3 everyone was rlly stressed heehee but i’m just such a quick thinker <3” wow i love gay people

anyway <3 they’re all havign a greit time <3 very normal <3

[hwangsies]

I feel so fucking alone bruh

I suck at uni, barely have any friends and have literally not left my house in two weeks. Just now i was talking to my mom abt it but all she had to say was pff i never had many friends either. But then again what did i expect, a hug? right

Last night i was supposed to go out with a friend but she cancelled on me last minute because she was feeling sick, like thats no problem at all, i mean yea i was bummed bc i was excited to get out of the house again but like dont force yourself to go out with me if you feel bad yk?

Anyway i texted my bestfriend, who recently moved a little further away which kinda made it so we cant see each other as much anymore, that said friend had cancelled on me and that i feel shitty bc im hanging around at home again.

I texted her at like 7 pm she answered at 2 am saying „why didnt you say something you could’ve come to my cousins birthday party with me“ which i know she didnt mean maliciously but like,,, i did say something tho?

Maybe im being dramatic, i dont know i just feel left behind.

I know i basically abandoned this account and am a sucky moot but i literally didnt know where else to vent.

Now im sitting on my bed after the interaction above with my mother took place like 15 minutes ago, crying. After her comment i just left for my room again, knowing it wont happen but silently hoping that she maybe realised that what i told her wasnt about her but again, i was disappointed.

I could tell her shes being a narcissist, that she always was one but then i would just get the „yea ur right im such an awful mother“ treatment and i dont trust myself to not chuck a plate at her if i have to hear that again.

You know she has never in my 21 years of life apologised to me, let alone comforted me when i cried alone in my room after a fight, which we regularly had.

Shes not a bad mother though, i relate to her alot and we’re similar in alot of ways shich is probably why we fought so much while i was growing up. Shes fun and chill and mostly uncomplicated, cynical and blunt which i always admired and never held me to weirdly high academic standards.

Im more sensitive than her tho, which i get from my dad, which i dont think she can handle very well, sometimes yes, other times it ends like it did just now; me crying in my room and her being clueless.

Or maybe she isnt clueless and just doesn’t feel like dealing with me. But that would make her seem awful and i don’t want to think of her like that.

My father is sweet, often times oblivious though and not as „life smart“ as my mom, (is that mean to say? Idk) he avoids us on purpose when we got into a fight.

He is extremely non confrontational and never takes sides, if he does its my mothers because he doesn’t want to be her next target probably. He cant stand up to her like me and my brother can.

But i guess thats the only pro of being raised by someone like that. The biggest con however is that i find myself displaying that narcissistic victim mentality sometimes too.

I dont know how that friend cancelling on me yesterday snowballed into this weird lovechild between a whiny complaint and an autobiography lol but i guess i had it pent up.

If you’ve read this far.. lmao why? but thanks for listening i guess <3

[skeletalrut]

literally i am the worst person i know. what the actual fuck do you even see in me i’m so fucking annoying and disgusting and spiteful. i’m annoying and smothering and i can hear it in your voice. you fucking hate me now that you see me all the time. i can’t blame you. i’d hate me too. i could never be a good girlfriend despite what i’ve thought i could do. i don’t deserve you. i keep imagining getting off in your bed while im the only one here so i can pretend you like sex with me. i took your ritalin and we smoked. and i can’t stop thinking about it. all the time. i stared at your ass as you walked up the steps bc i just miss it so badly. i miss the feeling. love and worthiness of being touched or even looked at like that. the thought that anyone could possibly ever think about that with me is validating. idk. i know you think im pretty. i’m cute. am i hot? do i ever look sexy? or am i just gonna remain “cute” forever. it’s fine. i can take care of myself. and it’s not like the closeness thing that men get. i just wanna get railed and feel like im hot for once. i’m not mad at you i just. idk. it sucks feeling undesirable in your own relationship. you wouldn’t know that feeling like i do but just listen to me. it kills you when your partner starts to sob and shake after trying to initiate just making out with you. in between sobs going “but it’s been months.” idk. i’m glad you finally told me how you’re feeling but just. idk. and you’re always somehow finding a way to bring up your ex’s weird sex shit. i’m not him but your body and brain reject me like i am. i just wish you’d randomly compliment me with something that’s not just “you’re so pretty” :/ i wanna be hot and desirable and lusted after. it’s not your fault you’re like this. it doesn’t make me love you any less. it just sucks. and that is life. you don’t hate me and we’ve talked ad naseum about it so i know it’s not my body or my touch or anything like that. and you do want to. just rarely and with… no success ever. and i’m not gonna be the person that makes you feel like you have to or forces you to or trades you something for it. idk. just why can’t it always be like my first? again you won’t understand what it’s like for your partner and the person you lost your virginity to to feel apathy towards sex once it isn’t new and blackout drunk. “do you wanna kiss like we high schools girls trying to get male attention?” did you…? did you just wanna make me happy so i wouldn’t leave? it’s not that it matters anyways i was infatuated with you for a long while before hand. that’s part of why i wanted you to break up with him so badly, though it was mostly due to his blatant abuse that you tolerated because he was “there for you.” more like there when he wanted something. i’m exhausted. i want to crawl in bed and never leave. i miss my bed. i miss my cat. i miss my walls and the smell of my room. i love you. i’m just sick and perverted and i keep it locked in now. i remember you laughing at me. it echoes in my head and makes it sore. i think the ritalin is wearing off. i’m disgusting.

[cydie]

I disconnect from my emotions as a protective measure when I feel unsafe

I sit in disbelief when I can't understand the hurtful actions that have happened

I wonder to myself if it was only good for a little bit and it was short lived

I feel the creeping dread of knowing it was a false safety all along, and how stupid of me to let myself trust it

I feel surprise every time there's a different outcome

I feel the guard gates give

I feel sections of my emotions that hit me unanticipated, ones I wasn't able to prepare for

I feel relief to know I was wrong, that he knows it was wrong

> 11am-12:30 21/04/24

1:48pm continuing on//

i woke up at 10, knowing he said 11

wen to the toilet thought aboutast night

lacking coherent feelings for it but wondering if I should currently have some

11 alarm I was back in bed I went back to slep bc i tired

woke up a minute b4 11?? why idk am I feeling too wired from last night to feel safe enough to sleep ???? or is my body so accustomed to a slep schedule that it's not letting me or is my inner guilt of sleeping the day away stopping me from sleeping in and has that been exacerbated by the fact that I know if I let it happen it will steamroll and spiral and he won't have the willingness to fix it??

anyway wow derailed

11am alarm go off he up at 11:06 he roll over to touch me smilex

im glad he's not mad but he keeps going back to sleep but then he said I have 15min timer if I fall back

which also wowee new thing he wouldn't have done that b4 so tangible effort is visible

anyway he gets up and goes to kitchen and half hour later I see he on floor sleeping

Oh ok I was misled

I go wake him and remind him he said 11

he told me to stop and that he didn't expect an alarm to go off at 8am and 10am

i don't focus on this bc I know he's sleepy and defensive so I need to chill before I lash out but I still bank it bc it hurt

I clean out the coffee machine bc I know I need the caffeine

I think about how he would be able to force himself to get up if it was work and how I don't seem to hold the same importance which speaks to how I'm constantly being made to feel inferior to everyone bc he sees me as lower and treats me with less respect bc he respects me less bc he thinks less of me

he eventually sits up

and I finish cleaning and go over and sit with him

he nicely says hi and apologises for being grumpy earlier

i say are you still mad

he says I wasn't mad

I say you were bc u said something defensive u said I'm not the one that had an 8am and 10am alarm

he says no I said j didn't anticipate that I would be woken up at 8am and 10am bc I figured you would have turned them off --- making the reason why I'm hurt rn my fault ---- deflecting, but maybe he knows he fucked up and is already trying to justify it

I said I didn't think to turn them off you didn't explicitly tell me to -- so we both forgot but it's my fault why --- you didn't anticipate being woken up at 8 and 10 but I didn't anticipate being emotionally chewed up and spit out last night we are not the same

I shut down my emotions because I'm protecting myself and you think that's manipulation. i shut off my emotions and replace them with narrowed eyes, suspicion, and scrutiny as I try to understand what I'm seeing in front of me because ((putting someone through these levels of extreme emotion and high ups and low downs is insanely emotionally manipulative and these extremes would derail any person's grasp of sanity making them feel crazy and question their reality)) because very faintly i wonder at 2% what if he's is actually manipulating me?? and i dont see it??))

and for some reason if i don't show a very clear and vulnerable response and i put my guard up instead, you think im malicious BECAUSE you have an overactive risk sense. you look for reasons to confirm your fears and you don't challenge them nearly enough which makes you more dangerous than you think i am bc you are more likely to give in to the feeling of the moment rather than the facts of the matter

so I have to consistently be vulnerable so that you can trust me enough to not be a heartless cold being who thinks he needs to use an umbrella when it's not raining

when i have the same level of fear of being vulnerable yet i am constantly having to push down and dismiss my own feelings, and trust you without reason to

when do you take the same risks as me? or do you feel so inferior and defective to me that you need to push me down to feel level?

----++ continuing from I said "you knew about my alarms and they've been happening for the last 2 years "

you said "figured you would've turned them off when we agreed 11"

i said "i didn't think of it, nor did you" if you knew interrupted sleep bothered you so much you should have anticipated this risk and said this

if I wanted to be overly considerate and "read your mind" which I am often doing and anticipating your needs for you, I would know to turn off my alarms because I would know that my alarms may bother you. and prior to this relationship, this is a consideration and care that I would have taken. in this relationship I have learnt that I must undo my next level hyper vigilance and need anticipation because you won't do the same and the more I do this and not get it in return is damaging my image of you

so i didn't do it either, both of us having the knowledge that I have 2 alarms

taking into even 30% account the aggressively unsafe past conversation it's reasonable for me not to be my normal level of overly considerate a standard to which i held myself to that I M in the process of undoing bc I have little to give and must manage my resources more efficiently

you paused and said 'i think I said that because of feelings I have underneath" or something to that effect

I did not understand the sentence specifically because the sentence used "feeling" instead of "other feelings" and this is the loudest thing I remember as to why I said "what" and you had to repeat what you said

you repeated "I think I said that because of other feelings inside of me"

and I said "what feelings"

you said "resentment"

and yesterday you gave me a wound where you accused me of something outrageously baseless and heartless

and I automatically also thought resentment bc I predicted that you would have been annoyed that you had to be awake and blamed me for it and then found something else to blame for your difficulties in waking up by pointing out that my alarms interrupted your sleep so your difficulties is my fault

I said "I also thought that" and something else I can't remember

and you said "I don't want to get into anything right now"

I said "I didn't ask you to" bc I didn't open the conversation up for it

you got defensive and said "yes you did" because literally i did but as a response

you started the fire but because i added to it thinking that you wanted the fire because you started it, you said that i started the fire because you only suggested a fire and i lit it

you opened the conversation(fire) by saying something that naturally prompts more questions

i asked these questions and instead of making it clear then that you weren't asking for a conversation, you responded and said something that would be hurtful (and you probably weren't even considering it because you went "I'm just innocently saying how I feel" even though deep down I'm well aware if my partner told me she resented me I would also be hurt)

so from my POV you've opened a conversation, I asked, you attacked me by telling me you resent me , and then when i tried to understand it you put up a wall and pushed me away

and when i pointed out that you were creating distance, you deflected that back on me and said that you had to create distance because i was pushing so that was my fault

and if I examine this and think about it deeply, you probably 1. realised what you said about the alarms was defensive, and said that you said that in response to an inner feeling realising it was wrong 2. voiced your negatively biased thoughts out loud without any consideration for how the words would be received 3. reactively got annoyed because you were asked to think about it and you didn't want to think about something negative about yourself bc that confirms your defectiveness wound so you lashed out at me instead, saying it's my fault you're feeling uncomfortable things

at the end of the day it's 2:58pm and you said 11am but you've done nothing to make that possible and blamed me for you not being able to 👍

[sovaharbor]

hmm this is not a vent per say but it's related to mental health stuff so. chucking it under a cut. however this time i will not be Deleting it bc i do want it to be a reminder... so anyways

i have this loooovely issue where, when my stress/anxiety baseline is Very High, i will gag! very randomly! i gag a lot on food when i try to eat but i also literally just. while sitting around. will gag. for no reason.

and like the gagging while sitting around i've honestly become pretty desensitized to. but the gagging while eating really sucks!! because i'm an emetophobe!! so it's a really annoying vicious cycle, ykwim!!

but somehow! some way! i have managed to go nearly a YEAR without ever actually puking even a little bit. until tonight. one single bite of the burger my dad got me for dinner, it got stuck in my throat as i forgot how to swallow, and thus the gagging commenced... except this time it got really bad really fast and i puked it out basically lmfao. like. there was a genuine heave, it wasn't my usual cough-gag sort of thing where i do it and simply move on with eating. i did not Continue to puke and didn't necessarily bring anything up from my stomach because #emetophobiawillpower, but it was still gross and uncomfortable

it also turned into a massive panic attack belatedly, like. 30 minutes after the fact. i nearly puked AGAIN and had to call my dad on the phone, while he was in the garage and i was in my bathroom, to ask him to come inside and stand there with me while i tried to calm down. bc one of my biggest fears with my emetophobia is being Alone when i puke?? idk why but it sure is!

but like...i survived that panic attack. and i also survived accidentally puking a little too. it was gross and uncomfortable and i sure did not like it, it SURE ruined my evening, but i survived? it is what it is? that thing happened but now it's over and it's in my past??

idk. it wasn't full-blown puking so i'm not like miraculously cured of my emetophobia, but i think. it was still. a good reminder that like. hey. shit's gross yeah. but it isn't the end of the fucking world your brain makes it out to be.

of course i still absolutely lost my shit during the panic attack because i aaaalways panic when puking feels imminent but like. i'll get there. i willll.

(and also i forced myself to eat 2 kedem biscuits which is honestly miraculous bc i very much was torn on not eating anything at ALL tonight. but. i did that too. im going to bed soon and im gonna wake up and im gonna eat some peanut butter waffles bc i love myself and im gonna have a nice relaxing day tomorrow i think)

[deadcrybabysmut]

took two tabs of acid 12 hours ago and im still reeling. today has been a chaotic rollercoaster of laughter, tears, and anger—so much fucking anger.

i don't know how I would have managed to make it through the day if it weren't for the two people who understand me and see me and resonate with me the most. they grounded me. especially when i couldn't handle my trip going south when their shitty mom came home and fucked up the vibe.

anyway i wanna sort of get out what happened tonight in this post so i can essentially look back on it later 🤸🏽‍♀️

also, every one of our seven cats avoided me like the plague while tripping and that made me so fucking sad, until i realized i was probably freaking them out lmao which is understandable and if I were them I'd have told me to go fuck myself too tbh

ok so when i initially took the tabs, i was already twenty minutes into watching I Am a Hero which I lowkey was expecting to be horrific—boy was I fucking WRONG 🤡🤡🤡 this movie was too fucking funny FOR WHAT?

—had me crying about what I would do if the only foods available during the apocalypse were all the ones I hated (i would simply die bc ain't no way im eating eggs or pork or seafood like what kind of shit is that?? 😵🤮🤮) THEN I started thinking about the mfs who would get bit and not say anything! like BITCH HELLO????? WHY MUST WE SUFFER BC YOU WERE THE WEAK LIIINK???!! but then I was like lol same 🤭 bc fuck you lucky mfs. yeah, im butthurt and y'all ain't gon know until it's too late oop 💁🏽

there was also some weird "i shouldn't be a creep bc she's a high schooler and it's a crime" type moment which led to me giggling about how Hideo really almost became a meal for copping a feel??? idk shit was funny in the moment really and hearing HOW the girl got bit before all that, made it so much funnier (spoiler: it was by some stupid baby lol what a loser. to get turned by someone with six baby teeth lmfaoo couldn't be me. anyway...)

there's only one zombie I have to talk about—THAT FUCKING ATHLETIC ONE. bitch ain't no way mans was training that entire time for that fucking hard, and no one put it together???!?! I saw dude's caved in head and how he would THROW HIMSELF onto his head FOR FUN and I just KNEW we needed to keep an eye on that mf. he killed that shit tbh 🤣🤣

anyway by the end of the movie i had already cried twice about having to eat eggs if zombies were running rampant lmao and i damn near had a stroke laughing at ol girl becoming half a zombie bc of the six baby teeth that scraped the back of her neck. LIKE????? idk. fortunately, 10/10 recommend watching on acid / would do again! maybe! 👉🏼👉🏼

*just gonna throw in here that we started watching Robin Hood Men in Tights immediately after this, and if you've seen that movie, you KNOW that shit was hilarious! throw in an acid trip and it's a fucking masterpiece 💀 unfortunately we didn't get through it all because shitty mom showed up and pissed everyone off bc she refused to eat anything all day and decided it would be everyone's problem! we made her food, she didn't eat it. her husband bought her food, she didn't eat it. instead, she cried about feeling nauseous, picked a fight with her husband over nothing, then told us she was leaving to her mom's house. 😐😐 After reassuring me they were ok, I made my siblings go to bed and spent two hours talking myself down I was so fucking livid. I'm still very much wide awake and functional, but I really don't want to be soo I'm going to force myself to crash I guess???

[atinywhore]

I knocked on every door

kang yeosang x fem reader

genre: honestly, mostly angst with a splash of smut at the end.. but its good smut, in my royal opinion, so don't worry

word count: 3540 (most of it is angst lmao)

warnings: pleasure dom vibes (yeosang ofc), oral (fem receiving), HICKIESSS, multiple orgasms ;) unprotected sex (use a condom dummies), some trauma elements idk how to describe it but you'll see hopefully, angst to fluffy ending bc im a softy who needs happy endings..

an: This is part two to my besties yeosang request! This is my first time doing angst really and I'm happy with how it turned out. P.S. I didn't really edit this.. so I do apologize if there are any big issues, there shouldn't be but if there is my bad, its literally midnight the I'm finishing this and am running off of 4 hours of sleep. OMG, I have nothing against Seonghwa, I would literally shoot someone if they did what I did to him in this fic, so please no hate, he was just the first member that popped into my brain. stop I love him.

be kind and lmk :) please be nice and let me know if I missed any warnings. enjoy my dirty little hoes <3

tag list: @ch0isa99ie @mingigoo @ateezinmymind @wickeddarkness-place @whatudowhennooneseesyou @teezers99

bite me- (pt 1) (pt 2)

~~~~~

He slid himself fully inside, my walls burning with pleasure. “Fuck” the word comes out in a breathy moan directly into his ear. “Holy shit doll.” He flexed his hips and another wave of pleasure burned through me. “Taking me so well.” he drew his eyes away from mine and looked down to where we were connected. Slowing his pumps and filling me as much as he can, repeating the torturous motion over and over until I almost reach the edge, and then he stops.

~

It has been 2 months since that night in the parking garage. It took me over a week to finally peel myself from my bed and actually shower. No matter how hard I tried I could not seem to erase the feeling of his hands roaming my body and how perfectly he seemed to fill me up. It wasn’t until your friends forced you out of your apartment back into civilization. You were at a cafe waiting for your friends when you got a text saying (We are sorry, please don’t hate us. You need this.) Rightfully pissed, you make to leave after seemingly being stood up, you hear a man's voice directly in front of you, “Y/n?” Your vision focuses on the tall and very handsome man now smiling down at you. “Are you y/n?” His cat-like features pulled to reflect the smile now dominating his face. “Yes I am. Do I know you?” Trying not to be impolite but his stature and angular greek like looks are ripping you back to the night you have been trying so hard to forget. It was not this man's fault that he has a similar look to.. You can’t even speak his name in your head or else you’ll crumble right here in this cafe.

His face twists in a concern like manner and you snap yourself out of the spiraling thoughts consuming you. “I’m sorry did you say something?” Feeling a slight blush warm your cheeks, he just plasters that same smile back on, this time a dimple settles on the corner of his left lip.

He never looked at me like that.

“I said I’m Seonghwa. I work with your friends and they have been trying to set us up for a while now I guess. I’m sorry it seems you didn’t know and I don't want to make you feel comfortable. I will just go now and-” Now it's his turn to warm with embarrassment. “No you came all the way here! Sit, we can just talk over a cup of coffee. His cheeks illuminating slightly with the pink still tinting his tan skin. His smile shines even brighter as he takes a seat across from you.

And for almost two months now it has been Seonghwa. We have been inseparable since that fateful day. We might be on the cusp of dating but no matter how many times he brings it up I just can’t say yes. My mind is so clearly set on picking Seonghwa, but, it's my fickle heart that is standing in the way of fully letting him in. He makes me so happy, so it should be the obvious choice of Seonghwa but it’s almost as if Yeosang cast a spell on you. No, fuck him for screwing with my life even after he’s no longer in it.

Your kinda boyfriend Seonghwa was throwing a party and of course you had  to go. It didn’t take you long to get ready and take the elevator down 3 floors to his apartment. As you neared his floor you could hear the slight thumping of a deep bass. As the elevator dinged and opened its doors to the hallway, almost shaking with the music. You turn right and walk down the warmly lit hall close towards my destination. Another right and I’m hit with the stench of weed and alcohol. Dodging the dazed bodies of both men and women to finally reach the heart of the party.

My eyes roamed the crowd, taking in the delightful sight. There’s a young girl swaying her hips in time with the beat, a drink in hand raised above her head. Looking to my left I see two young men, bodies facing one another in an intimate type of way. The taller of the two looked down at his partner with a soft expression of bliss coating his features while his counterpart excitedly shared some story, hands and arms flinging around to better share the experience.

Continuing to scan the crowd I finally see Seonghwa. Squeezing, sliding and ducking, I’m able to make my way through the crowd and reach him. Moving closer to him I wrap my arm around his and he finally turns noticing me. “Y/n! You made it!” He moves his arm causing mine to fall but he leans down and pulls me into a hug. His scent of warm vanilla and coconut rum washed over my senses. I felt the twitch of arousal flicker down to my lower stomach at the pressure of his hands running from my shoulder blades down to finally wrap around my hips.

A chill ran down my spine, but not of pleasure. I can feel the burning of eyes labored onto my back. My body stiffened and my palms began to sweat. Sensing my change seonghwa releases from the hug and sets his focus solely on my face. His brows curl in concern and he places his hands on my shoulders to pull me out of my frozen state.

It can’t be him. He doesn’t know Seonghwa, right?

“Y/n?” Seonghwa shakes my shoulders slightly, finally pulling me out of my state. “Yes hwa?” My voice barely a whisper. I clear my throat and repeat the sentence. “You went all quiet. Are you okay?” His hands move up to cup my cheeks and I can’t help but smile at his comforting warmth. “Yes hwa. Just got lost in thought I guess.” You try to laugh it off but he still seems to be on edge. You move his hands from your face and hold them in yours, “Come on, let’s go get a drink.”

~

A few drinks later and you definitely forgot about the chilling thought of him being here. There was a slight buzz clouding your mind as you and your kind of boyfriend danced within the crowd. You could feel the heat of his body pressed closely behind yours. His hands held a weak grip on your hips, just enough of pressure to keep your ass connected with his pelvis. Swaying sensually to the music with a tall handsome man behind you, a great buzz growing, your mind finally turned off. This feeling enlightened your mind of its troubles and just let you be.

This euphoric feeling did not last long when the chill returned, slithering it’s way down my spine. Shooting my eyes open, I now searched the crowd for the source. Relief started to settle my jumpy body but disappeared when I spotted him.

He looked like a god. Standing in the corner of the room, drink stopped just at his full lips and his darkened eyes met mine from across the room. Stopping the movement of my body as the rush of emotions consumes me. Seonghwa’s grip tightens, encouraging me to keep moving with him. The memory of Yeosang hands grabbing me the same way causes a flare of panic to jolt my system alive. Grabbing Seonghwas hands from my hips while still holding them, I turned to face him, “I’m not feeling so good hwa. I’m going to go home, I think.” Obviously drunk, he whines out a response but I place a quick kiss to his cheek and head towards the front door.

~

I could feel him following close behind me.

His footsteps mocked mine, the heel of his boot clicking against the black and white tile. The sound echoed louder and soon enough there was a hand stopping me by the shoulder. “Y/n.” My breath hitches at the sound of his deep voice. “Please don’t walk away from me again.” He turns me around to face him but my head is locked downward, staring at his shiny black combat boots. With his other hand he hooks a finger underneath my chin and lifts my line of vision to meet his.

Gone were the inky, brooding eyes I’ve come to know and fear, now his eyes shine like two pools of dark honey inviting me into the sweetness. His warm eyes flicker all across my face before landing briefly on my lips once and taking their final place meeting back with mine. Our faces are so close that I can smell the sweet scent of peach, no doubt from the flavor of soju he had been drinking. His thumb gently runs back and forth over my bottom lips as his eyes never leave mine.

Reality hits me like a fucking train. Taking a step back, I break the contact between us and now I’m left with a cold feeling deep deep inside me. His mouth opens to speak again but I hold my hand up to stop him. “What can I help you with Yeosang?” I managed to muster up every ounce of courage I had. He falters at my response. A long silence drags on between us. He’s just staring intently at me, mouth slightly agape and his posture now rigid. “Okay then. Good night Yeosang.” Turning around I continue walking straight, aiming for the elevator directly in front of me. I don’t look back. I press the button and the doors slide open. Entering the old fashioned metal cage-like elevator I finally turn and see him. Standing exactly as I left him. It’s not until the doors are about to close that I see him start forward. It’s too late. The doors have shut and the 5th floor button is already glowing with its destination.

I make it down the long hallway to my apartment, the last and furthest one from the elevator. I kick off my shoes in the entryway and slug my way into the joined kitchen and living room. I open the fridge door and grab my picker of water, setting it on the island behind me. It’s at this point that my mind is no longer thinking. There are only the basic thoughts like the ones for water and sleep. I grab a cup from the cupboard next to me, then pour and gulp the chilled water. The water energizes me long enough to make it to the couch and once my head hits the soft throw pillow, I’m out.

~

I’m jolted from my sleep by a loud smack at the door. I froze, careful not to make a sound. Then a fury of knocks follow the smack. My dazed brain racks itself for some sort of rationalization for the situation. I jump to the thought of Seonghwa. He was pretty wasted, he could be coming up to check on me. My heart does a guilty flip. I get to my feet and head over to the door. The banging has stopped by the time I open the door. The man on his knees before me was not who I was expecting. The sound of me opening the door has him lifting his hanging head. His dark shaggy hair moves in motion with his head. The dark bangs framing his face fall back with the rest of his hair when he is fully looking up at me. The look in his eyes has not changed from when I had just seen him last.

“I knocked on every door.” His rasp almost brought my knees to tremble. “Excuse me?” My words came out weak. “I knocked on every door on this floor to find you y/n.” He closes his eyes and lets his head fall back even further making him look even more like he was carved from stone. He takes a deep breath, holds, and then lets it go slowly, reopening his eyes to look back at me. “I was wrong y/n. Ever since that night you walked away from me, I have not been able to get you out of my mind.” His hand jets up to push the hair falling into his face back. “I don’t understand what you did to me y/n but all I know is I want you. I need you.” He meets my eyes again and they are wild this time, almost as if I can see the thoughts consuming his mind like a wildfire. “Well to quote your own words Yeosang, ‘This was a one time thing. Don’t get it twisted.’ Plus if you couldn’t tell, I’m already seeing someone.” He let out a laugh at the last part of my retort. “Come on y/n, we both know you can’t fully commit to him.” Once again feeling the annoyance that once always accompanied his presence, “And why might that be Yeosang?” He rather slowly gets to his feet, now towering slightly over me, and begins to back us into my apartment.

“You know why y/n. You are just too scared to admit it like I was.” I stop moving, causing him to stop as well. He does not get to come here and treat me like this again. “Fuck off Yeosang. I’m not some toy you can just pick up and play with when you are bored.” A half grin pulled the left corner of his lips up. “That’s not how it seemed to feel last time we were together y/n. Don’t you remember?” The flashbacks playing through my mind cause waves of pleasure to migrate to my stomach and lower. “Oh bite me.” As soon as you said it, you wish you hadn’t. He closed the final distance between you two and he leans in to whisper, “Don’t tempt me doll.” His hot breath fanned down the length of your neck before he stopped right above the last spot he had bitten you. “Y/n, I need to know that you feel the same before we go any further.” My mind whirled from the sleepiness, his confession, his soft lips placing sweet kisses all along my neck and exposed shoulder and my once buried emotions for him resurfacing. Taking a deep breath I pull back from Yeosang. He seems defeated by my movement until I grab his hand. Meeting his eye briefly, I turn to lead him further into my apartment. Walking past the living room and through a tiny hall I stop outside the door to my bedroom. Before I open the door I release his hand and grab him by the face, effectively pulling his head down to my level. “I can’t be another one time thing with you again Yeosang. I won’t be able to pull myself together if it happens again.” A couple tears fell down my cheeks and now it's his turn to hold my face. Wiping my tears away and placing a kiss where each one fell, he looks at my lips and leans his head in to kiss me.

I wish I could say I forgot how soft his lips were, but I can’t. He worked my mouth open slowly for him to let his tongue slide in, deepening the kiss. When he pulls away I find myself fiending more and more, just needing another hit. “Y/n, I’m the biggest fool for ever thinking that you were.” My breath shortened in excitement and hopefulness. I reached behind me and opened the door. Keeping one hand on cupping my face, the other hooked under my knee, urging me to straddle him as he strode towards my bed. He looked into my eyes the whole time, our souls connecting. He tossed me onto the bed and placed himself in between my legs. “You are mine, doll. I want you and only you.” My whole body becomes heightened with arousal, I try to roll my hips into his but he stops me. “No, I’m going to take my time with you and show you how much you truly mean to me y/n.”

He starts by peeling off the black dress that I was wearing, leaving me in my matching blush pink underwear set. I assumed Seonghwa and I would end up sleeping together tonight so I wore it, and by the angered look on his face, it seems Yeosang figured the same. Frustration getting the better of him he rips my underwear off, like legits rips. The tear of fabric is all I hear before a rush of cool air hits my private area. He then does the same for the matching bralette. Anger now subsides to awe as he sees my naked form laid out in front of him. “So gorgeous.” He mumbles before leaning down and biting the sweet spot on my neck. As he bites he sucks to create a hickey. He repeats this action all down my neck, chest, breast, stomach and inner thigh. Leaning back on his knees once again he admires his work. He takes my new markings in as if he was staring at a piece of art, which in some ways I guess this could be his own art form.

Once he's decided that he has admired his artwork for long enough he slides off the bed to the ground,  pulling me by the hips towards his face and opening my legs , bearing  myself to him. He licks his lips and then he dives right into my soaking pussy. All kinds of sounds, moans, whimpers, pleas, etc come from my mouth as he eats me out. He doesn’t let up his assault as he makes me cum the first time, no he continues and adds two fingers. Soon enough I’m reaching my second climax. Still not letting up he adds a third finger and picks up his pace. Creating a pleasure I’ve never experienced before has me screaming out his name as I cum for a third time in a matter of minutes. Panting and truly struggling to breathe after that unworldly experience leaves me speechless. Yeosang stands from his current position, licking his fingers clean of my juices and licks his lips clean as well. The sight has my still pulsing walls clench again in excitement.

Pulling his form fitting, dark purple sweater over his head, exposing his lean torso and smooth abs to me. He reached for his pants and soon enough the sound of his dick was slapping against his skin. Mouth and pussy watering at the sight of this Greecian God standing before me. Kneeling back on the bed and then trapping myself under his form, he lines his tip at my dripping entrance. The thrill of having him inside me once again is almost enough to have me reaching my 4th climax tonight. He then slid himself fully inside, my walls burning with pleasure. “Fuck” the word comes out in a breathy moan directly into his ear. “Holy shit doll.” He flexed his hips and another wave of pleasure burned through me. “Taking me so well.” he drew his eyes away from mine and looked down to where we were connected. Slowing his pumps and filling me as much as he can, repeating the torturous motion over and over until I almost reach the edge, and then he stops. I dug my nails into his back, a plea for him to stop teasing me, and he quickened his pace. He flipped us over and pulled out the same move he did when we first had sex. Pulling me closer onto his sweat glistened chest, he wrapped his arms around me and began to flex his hips harder and faster inside me. He hit the spot deep inside that caused my vision to go blurry and my head short circuit. Hitting the spot over and over again he had me releasing in no time. He followed shortly after, once again filling my oversensitive pussy with his cum.

Unlike the first time we just stayed in this position for a while. We stayed connected like this for as long as we could. Neither one wanted to break this magically-seeming moment. We would have had we not started to get hard again, while still inside me. The sensation, while amazing, was too painful after 4 orgasms. He pulled himself out of me and grabbed my dress from the floor and began to clean me then himself off. When he was done he tossed the dress back on the ground and just stood there staring at me. Not sure what to say after suddenly feeling self conscious, “You can leave if you want now.” I say it almost as a test, but really it is just me outwardly thinking my biggest fear, that he lied and he was just playing me. He smiled and joined me in bed. “I wasn’t lying, y/n. I want you and only you.” He places a kiss on my forehead and he tucks us under the comforter. For the first time in months, I was finally able to sleep all through the night.

[fantasticcloudcreation]

Ok I know my last post was like "what if I relapse and lose 20lbs in the next 2 months" and my post before that was like "I'm so happy I grew out of my eating disorder and I'm still skinny and everything is great !!! "

Well , today's post is like , I love that I still have a thigh gap in random situations !!! like I just drank a whole bottle of wine by myself tonight and (would like some more honestly might open another bottle) im feeling the chaos of being a young inexperienced girl thinking about how to create my own money as an independent artist out in the world doing my own thing without a specific boss or company to work for etc like mostly freelance independent contractor starting my own small business and whatnot BUT at least my thigh gap is still just hanging out being present offering small comforts in the middle of this professional "emerging artist" chaos !!!! Like what a small but meaningful comfort to just be chillin in bed "trying to get some work done" and let my knees fall in against each other and there's still a nice lil gap there between my thighs... Like if I flex my thigh muscles it closes but like that's fine it's still there when I'm just chillin without any effort on my part. (If I lose another 10-20 lbs honestly it probably wouldn't close even if I tried to flex my thighs and that was one of my favorite things when I was at my LW was the way my thigh gap was unavoidable and things were constantly falling thru my lap lmfao , like honestly at this point it would probably be annoying to be that skinny /now that I'm working using tools every day like setting your phone/pencil etc on your lap idk it'd be annoying to fall thru all the time; and I don't think I could make it back to that anyway bc I don't want to lose the muscle I've gained but like ,,, 10 pounds ??? I can do that let's make it happen lol )

Anyway lmk if anyone relates to this / I miss the ed community even tho I've been trying to grow out of it like idk I'm 26 there's things to accomplish but I'm already out here relapsing on cigarettes and alcohol and other drugs I might as well embrace the thinspo relapse at this point 🙃

And like it's one thing to be a chubby teenager romanticizing anorexia / just wanting to be skinny for prom etc it's another thing to be like , a college senior who suddenly found the "willpower" to be a "successful anorexic" and you now have to Force yourself to eat food with carbs+protein so you don't pass out in sculpture class again (passing out with welding equipment is fucking scary AF omg) / can keep performing in your dance classes etc ,,, and then it's a Whole 'Nother Thing to be a full grown adult / out of school / out in the ~ real world ~ (briefly felt like I was over the whole thing) but then realizing "the art world" is just as chaotic and disordered as your college environment, it's 1000% ok if you're abusing Adderall and other drugs (except I don't have health insurance so I need an alternative to adderall = caffeine and ed behaviors,, oops, oh well ,,, ) -> -> what matters more, "success" or "wellness" ? ? The vibe is almost like, if you're not disordered are you even a real ""artist"" ?? It's like bro I'm gonna be 27 in a few months and I'm not interested in joining the 27 Club lol let me live with whatever wellness I can manage for myself haha. But also maybe I can lose another 10 lbs and be extra skinny 👀 20 is probably too much / I don't need to be under 100 I've done that I hit that goal I can let it go.......someone remind me when I get to 105 and I'm like "it's not enough!!" Girl it's enough let it go we've been there done that moving on. Lifting 50 lbs > being medically underweight.

Anyway. Long ass rant talking to myself. I'll probably go open a new bottle of wine and regret it in the morning. Main thing!!! I'm fucking free!!!!! I can do whatever I want!!!! I can get fucked up alone tonight/ already applied for a contractor job for next month / already have plans thru December and then feb-may next year, I'm honestly doing great, it's ok if I drink some alcohol and do some drugs . Like, yeah the "wellness" industry is a whole thing, but the "art world" is a whole separate beast - choose which one to focus on. Drugs and wellness don't really mix; drugs and art are kind of a package deal ? I love drugs let's keep doing drugs honestly. It's worked out so far !! (If youre reading this and you don't currently do drugs, pls pls don't feel like you need to do drugs in order to be a successful artist bc it's 100% not like that but also I've been doing drugs for 10 years + trying to stop bc I thought "professionally" it would be a good idea idk , just talking myself thru the fact that all the ~arts professionals~ I've met this summer also do drugs lmfao - not like they'd ever pressure you into it but more they wouldn't care if I do it or not)

Anyway, if you're still reading and you made it this far - life is weird. I'm gonna try to lose 10 pounds and get some more art gigs this season. Balance between wellness and indulgence and everything that comes with drugs vs helping friends find their healthy limits... It's a process we'll see how it goes. Thanks for reading ❤️ I love you always feel free to dm if you need advice ❤️

[tasteforrot]

Everything Is Dumb Now

everything seems dumb now

or the problems before tuesday

or my problems before tuesday

or the problems i focused on before tuesday

idk if theyre really dumb

but probably

does he like me will it work

venus in pisces taurus sun with a cancer ascendent

moon in leo

idk why liking someone is so terrifying to me

my shrink asked me why having basic needs met seems so impossible

or.

idk

the moon was in aquarius on tuesday i think

or i remember reading “let us hope this is a good omen”

(probably chani nicholas)

for two months i refreshed nine horoscope sites daily asking the internet

what would happen

i saw something this week

about the election coverage was too… like

focusing more on what will happen in november

not what was happening at the time

what will happen vs what is happening

what do we know

idk

this past month i began calling more feelings “pain”

laying in bed thinking “i’m in so much pain lol”

um

have you ever read the attachment theory wikipedia?

i’m sure there are better sources but the wikipedia is really convenient

there are four styles.

and this one style, “disorganized” is like

something like:

the way you’re greeted when you enter a room

and the way you’re treated

was never constant so u never like,

never know when the other shoe will drop

who will abandon when

or u’ll wild out bc like, idk.

the others are what they sound like

secure attachment style is what it sounds like

ppl with disorganized attachment ruin things, sabotage things

bc what’s the point if it’s already. idk

wednesday morning

when i told my therapist i watched someone die, she said

“oh, fuck talking about the election”

but like nah

we talked about the election

and the two guys i saw wearing those red hats

the first time ive seen them irl

first thing in the morning

on my walk up tenth avenue

i almost threw up

and threw myself on them but didnt

but i did also tell her i didn’t feel anything watching him die,

or i didn’t know what i felt or if i was feeling.

i watched him become president from my bed

scared of feeling anything except the most reality as possible

a few hours before,

i watched him make a noise and then he stopped breathing

and then a nurse hit his chest and said, “he’s just sleeping”

(he wasn’t)

she said he had a pulse, he’s fine

(he wasn’t)

it took the supervisor twenty-five minutes to show up

hospice care in a nursing home isn’t a hospital

the way she said it’s about making him comfortable

the way:

there are things that are supposed to happen

people asked if i was ok

my boss hugged me

idk if it was the death or the election

or what i’ve been saying online that has ppl msging me lately

telling me they hope im ok soon

waking up is harder now

it never really was before

i learned to like mornings in college

they felt more hopeful

opportunity, routine, etc

my shrink also told me to read online

specifically disorganized attachment

but that for some reason

and who knows

it’s not all I have. that i can do and do make secure bonds

there’s some secure attachment

something like hope?

idk

she said: attachments just are

you can’t force them

an attachment is

when i told my shrink about his last breath she said something like:

isn’t that all we have, a breath

and then we take another

and keep going

that’s the only difference

other times i’ve watched people die

(and never the act)

there was the clear moment between when they were gone

(when they started taking pain meds)

not their body but themselves

“the priority is comfort”

i only realized today that i don’t know whether or not he was in pain

just that when i got to his room, alone

i’ve never seen anyone like that

i thought he was going to die right then

with me alone

so i grabbed his hand, which was blue

and trying to take off his oxygen mask

i’ve been hearing the term “oxygen mask” a lot more

put on your oxygen mask before you help others

everyone says get out of ur internet bubble

lol

i mean, i agree

i guess

but i live alone

work online

my family is three white men

(it used to be more)

who asked me why i didn’t tell them about my sexual assaults sooner

(i had)

but i guess they forgot

or it doesnt matter? idk

i dont want to have to see them today

or tomorrow

but their dad only dies once

only died once

idk

before tuesday i’d get drunk

get stoned

wake up

apologize

idk

ever since tuesday the idea of feeling anything the most amount of

pain feels wrong

not pain for pain’s sake

but anesthetizing any of the reality

of what is and is about to happen

idk

isn’t there something about how pain is a great motivator

or isnt there that susan sontag thing about not believing someone else is in

pain?

is that the thing

or how people with that disease that makes them not feel pain are fucked

i can’t believe the pain i cause by trying to avoid pain

(myself + others)

getting out of bed isn’t a problem

or wasn’t before tuesday

(now it is)

i’m right by a window and it’s cold

and i just remember it’s real

and i’m where i was where i watched him become president

but

i like routine and waking up and drinking coffee

more so i feel it around 3pm or 5pm or 8pm or 11pm

what’s the fucking point

i don’t feel that way anymore

my anxiety’s been down since all my worst fears came true

i’m not as worried for now as i am a year from now

a year and three months

momentum, etc

it’s been clearer who’s trying to lessen suffering and who’s trying to clear

their name

i’ve been trying to take up less space

or occupy space in a different way

or, idk.

it’s easier to tell ppl i love them

u dont need a reason anymore

or maybe the reason is just more obvious

it’s too much noise n it��s not enough

im getting msgs from ppl telling me to stockpile birth control

but my body rejects most types of birth control

and i haven’t found one that works yet

so like

idk

hasnt loving and fucking always been terrifying

[28dayslater]

okay so basically my question is, is uni as fun as it looks?

i'm 23 and never went, i couldn't even finish college bc of mental health and then i never knew what i wanted in life so thought it didn't matter that i didn't go right away and i kept meaning to like figure it out but then i fell into a job i really like and have been here for a few years now and am content enough. no one in my family went to uni so it was never expected of me so when i didn't go there were no consequences y'know.

but social media is full of people in/who just graduated uni and it looks so fun that i feel like i've missed out. people posting videos in their new accomodation and with their flatmates and becoming best friends and staying up all night, going out doing random things and just having fun and being young with no expectations, and i feel like i've never experienced anything in my life.

like i did some of it, i moved out but there's no parties, no events or societies or getting off with strangers. and i hate to admit it but i still only have a single friend, not the friend group i always wanted. i've been on nights out a few times but it's always different because i know i have to go to work tomorrow, it's never the carefree "i don't know where i'll wake up and that's fine just living in the moment" type of experience. everything is different as an adult i guess. i'm tired by 8pm and going out until 10 is late for me.

and like i know myself i know i would not do well in uni due to my mental health and i would have dropped out or failed, and honestly i do not want to study i do not do well in education. i like finishing work and not having to worry about homework or whatever, but i really wish i could have experienced the social side of uni. i don't know if i'd have even enjoyed it, and it might have gotten old real quick, but i wish i could have at least tried it. and especially when everyone i work with met their partners and friends at uni, and i'm here doing everything i want to do just on my own because my singular friend doesn't share most of my interests.

but i also know people often exaggerate things on social media, and that lots of people don't share their experiences so i'm not sure whether uni is as fun as it always seems or whether it's just select people only sharing their few good experiences. idk i'm just kind of feeling like my entire life has just passed me by or something idk.

sorry for the dump omg i did not mean to say all that i was just gonna ask the question but lost the plot a bit 😭

i think the thing with uni is that like most things it is what you make of it. its a wonderful opportunity to hang out with people your own age, party and ignore your lectures and make stupid decisions bc youre on your own for the first time, and theres no other situation where youre gonna be so free to do what you want, but even when youre there that opportunitys only there if you take it. i went uni for three years, spent half of it violently depressed and not getting out of bed or doing any work, fucked up my actual degree and left with precisely one friend that im still in contact with. so even if youre in the position to be having the time of your life its very easy to waste it and end up having had no fun at all.

it sounds like you wouldnt have enjoyed the actual studying and what you're envious of is purely the social side. and tbf the social part of it does get old quickly, i spent my entire third year living with my best friend just watching crap tv every night instead of ever leaving the house or seeing anyone else. but also, theres no reason you cant create that social life for yourself! all the parties and that i went to at uni were just club nights in town or occasionally at the student union, you dont have to be invited or know anyone before you go.

and as miserable as it is to do and as trite as it sounds, you can make friends even when you're not forced together by school or uni or student accomodation. coworkers, friends of friends, roommates, online mutuals who don't live hundreds of miles away, you can ask those people to hang out and see where you can get from there. and as much as it sickens me to say bc i sound like my mum, theres always societies and events and stuff you can join if you go looking. most my adult friendships have only stayed in my life bc ive put effort into them and made a point of seeing those people and actively making plans. fucking sucks shit but thats the nature of being an adult, when youre not forced together by circumstance every day you have to cling to every friendship youve got and dig your claws in hard

but i hope you do okay! and i think you will

[selfmadetorturedsadnessetc]

I seriously can't make up my adventures. Im a dirty whore! Which is what JP kept telling me while I had an amazing morning yesterday.

Ok first off, remember mma. Yeah the one I've only gotten to suck off with the huge load. Well I went and seen him first yesterday morning after work. Now I must be getting really good at sucking off semi if not at all hard cocks til they cum. Bc legit. I put his in my mouth and suck once, suck twice and bam. Not as big as his normal loads but a normal one for a normal guy. He was beyond shocked and it had never happened to him before. So as usual the awkward talking about life and I took off. To go meet up with JP

JP is the kitchen mgr at my job. He apparently has had it for me since he started. He tells me the other day that he wants me to come to his house and fuck. Bc his wife is giving him a free pass. Why? Idk. I didnt listen well. So yesterday morning was the day. Now note. Im a typical psychotic white girl in her 30s. Who has only been with one black guy in her life and it was an awful experience. The guy was nasty and not in a good way. But JP is a clean guy, married with children. So im like wth. Give him a chance. And thank whatever above for that. As soon as I hit the door he pushes me against the wall and starts kissing me and taking off my clothes. Then forces me to the bedroom on the bed. And I knew those huge lips were gonna be good but damn. Note I am a hard person to make cum. And it still took awhile but Holy shit I fucked his face so good. Then it was my turn. It ain't always true about the cock but his was thick. I have issues with thick cocks. Or atleast have trouble making them cum with a bj. I deep throated, I sucked, and did everything I did to mma that morning. Nothing came out. So he finally just decides to fuck me. He likes fucking missionary. And it is ok. I'd rather his mouth. Then it got intense. And my rough side started. I put his hand around my throat and he went to town with the other on my vagina. Btw I seem to cum when my head is hanging off the side of the bed. Bc he had me cumming and cumming. It was fucking awesome. Then it got rougher slapping my vagina hard to where I'd jump. And legit choking me until I had to physically pull him off at one point. But now my neck is sore, not marked thank goodness. My pussy still swollen a bit. And honestly tho I'd love that again. It took alot out of me. And im not that attracted to him, he seems like a feminine guy trying way to hard to be dominant. The organisms were amazing. But the attraction isn't there to be worth it to me. I dont want to hurt his feelings. So ill prob just play the busy card etc. And do it here and there. And so like I said it begins. Im gonna end up sleeping with alot of people from work. And hmmn the drama to unfold if they each find out. I know. But hey I do it all to myself.

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

another unsolicited relationship advice post:

okay. i know that there’s probably thousands of relationship advice posts on here. but anyway. to my younger followers, if i have any:

if anyone that you’ve just met declares that you’re “girlfriend material” or “boyfriend material” and that you must simply meet their parents NOW! or some other ridiculously short interval (like a week say), instead of, idek, like a month or two into your relationship, know that that is a possible red flag for trying to push the relationship too fast.

i say this as again, bc on some buzzfeed fb post about supposed “nice guys” i commented about my high school stalker/creeper from 2012/2013. who, when i first met him in 2012 at public school, he insisted that after two days of knowing him that i simply “have to meet my (his) mum and my sisters right now! bc you’re girlfriend material and i LOVE you!”

like woah! dude! i’ve known you for a grand total of two fucking days! i absolutely don’t have to meet your family RIGHT NOW (although if i’d ever been stupid enough to actually date my stalker back then, i would’ve had to meet his mum or one of his 4 sisters/all of them at once; at some point anyway…. bc they would’ve had to drive us to dates etc bc neither of us had our Ps (provisional drivers licence here in aus) yet at the time)). because i’m pretty sure the normal window is about 1-2 months? maybe 3-4 months? why the fuck are you so obsessed with the term “girlfriend material”??? what the actual FUCK does that EVEN mean?? get away from me. bc this isn’t love. it’s something else, that i can’t put my finger on.

compare this to clear braces boy from catholic school, who literally took almost 3 years to ask me out; and to even ask for my number. when he’d finally asked for my number right before one set of the winter holidays at the end of term 2/before the start of term 3 in 2010, i was so oblivious as to why he wanted my number…. when he’d never wanted it/asked for it before.

so when he called me, while i was still on the bus home from school, i was panicking like “OH FUCK THATS WHY HE WANTED MY NUMBER!!! HE WANTS TO ASK ME OUT!!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!! WHY THE FUCK AM I SO SLOW AND FUCKING DUMB???!!!” he never pressured me to meet his parents (although at 14/15 it was very obvious that that was a standard practice since we couldn’t drive ourselves anywhere lmao). we were basically on equal footing, except for my slowness with cottoning onto him asking me out and why he asked for my number lol.

CBB had never pressured and harassed me about my virginity. he had NEVER harassed me with porn, most especially while at school, unlike mr creeper who LOVED pulling out his porn filled phone and school laptop to show me his overly violent, degrading and aggressive porn. CBB’s flirting method was showing me norwegian black metal bands (or normal metal bands like parkway drive) and making me watch repeats of family guy on his ipod at lunch bc he loved family guy. he never brought up the term “girlfriend material” ever. he treated me like an actual person. and not his own personal fuck doll, that had holes that were conveniently for sticking his useless and clueless ass teenage dick in, again unlike creeper who was hellbent on wanting to act out his favourite violent etc porn on me to let him “take your virginity in a wonderful weekend of sex down the coast and you have to do all things that I LIKE BC THAT’S THAT AND I SAID SO!!!” 🤮🤮. although if i had progressed further than those few weeks with cbb, and my constant *karen from mean girls voice* *fake cough, fake cough* i’m sick *regina george voice* boo, you whore!” act every time i didn’t turn up on date that he’d asked me on…. maybe he could’ve treated me like that. but i’ll never know lol.

so cbb was unlike mr stalker; who was obsessed with my supposed “girlfriend material” status. mr stalker was obsessed with the fact that i had the ability and audacity to basically tell him “no”, by coyly letting him down with “my dad says i can’t date bc it distracts me from school and getting good marks 🙄😑” (which probably wasn’t true, looking back lmao)….. where he then whined PUBLICLY on facebook about it, with a status like “today sucks”… and then naming and shaming me in the comments when someone asked in the post comments what was wrong like: “*insert my name here* said no! she’s being a bitch!”. that at the time, made me roll my eyes and still does today when i think about it. because bro. i had literally only known you for two fucking days at that point. of course i’m going to say no. what the hell??? two days is nowhere near enough time to know a person well enough (although the conversation we had together on misguided trip to his house one day while we were wagging (skipping class/playing hooky for americans) aboriginal studies told me MORE THAN ENOUGH about his piece of shitness tbh) to “date” them imo.

because to me, the title “girlfriend material” doesn’t mean any fucking thing. but when it comes from a creep like mr stalker; it means “you’ll be my girlfriend forever and have my kids bc you’re such a nice girl and you’ll fix me bc that’s what nice girls like you do; bc you’re SO LOYAL AND NICE!” which i also saw as a MASSIVE RED FLAG back then, because we were literally 16yo kids (he literally told me this when we were on his bed in his bedroom in the aforementioned misguided trip to his house). and i also saw it as a red flag bc…. just because i’m “loyal” and “nice” doesn’t mean that i’ll spend LITERAL Y E A R S trying to “fix you” while you fuck around and never bother to change your behaviour all bc you think it’s “girly” to do just that. it definitely DOES NOT MEAN that i’ll have KIDS with you, what the actual fuck. like i’m a hopeless romantic, to an extent, mr creeper. but not to the extent where i’ll give myself up to someone like you, all because i’m “nice and caring” and it’s apparently what “nice girls do!!!” or whatever else fucked up guilt trip views you’ve got on why girls/women supposedly have to waste their time with and on you.

and also, on another front. CBB never FOLLOWED me home (considering he lived in a suburb 20mins away from mine lmao and we both lived at least 15mins away from the catholic school we attended) despite me telling him REPEATEDLY to “fuck off and walk home your way”….. whereas unfortunately, mr creeper lived just over the other side of my suburb.

so one day mr creeper decided to stalk me home (despite me saying the above “fuck off and walk home your way” comment constantly to him in the 10min walk home). and then when we got to my street and in front of my house he decided to joke that “oh now i know where your house and bedroom are, i’ll come to hide under your bed naked one day!!!! and when you get home (bc i’ll obvs do it when you’re out doing something), you’ll just have to FUCK ME because you’ll be so surprised that im there and ready to fuck you!” as if i’d be so overcome with supposed lust & love for him, after knowing that he’d broken into my room against my will and messed with my shit….. all for some cutesy love prank…. like in, idk, love actually (???) or himym (specifically the “naked man!” episode from season 4) or some other shitty romcom. bc no. you’re overstepping SO MANY fucking boundaries that i’d literally call the police on your stupid fucking stalker ass. what the actual fuck.

finally, cbb never forced me to try to kiss him, unlike mr stalker…. who whenever he got the chance, he’d grab my head and force me to kiss him…. and then gave me back the utterly disgusting & controlling GALL to tell me that i was “kissing wrong” and whinge/bitch that i “wasn’t into it”. and then he’d force me to kiss him again with a “im so sorry does this fix it 🥰🥺???” like NO???!!! forcefully kissing me DOES NOT FUCKING FIX ANYTHING YOU STUPID CUNT! please just get the FUCK away from me. like if you force me into anything, of course i’m not going to enthusiastically enjoy it??? and moreover, don’t you think it’s YOU who is “kissing wrong” (whatever the FUCK that bullshit actually means) and not me???? why do you think GRABBING MY HEAD and FORCING me to kiss you is appropriate in ANY of these situations????

just. to end this. to anyone and everyone, regardless of their gender/sexuality/age etc. NEVER trust anyone who uses the term “girlfriend material”/“boyfriend material”, to describe you, most especially when you’ve JUST MET them.

they’re using it as a means to control you and possibly trap you into an unhealthy (or potentially abusive) relationship like i would’ve had with my stalker/creeper. but most especially, this goes out to my younger followers, if i have any. be aware of this. watch out for the small red flags and run at the earliest time.