#im fine my car is basically fine but i am fucking miserable

[ftmbruce]

gottt in a fuckinnnn accident because i dont have a passenger side mirror and my dad wouldnt let me just buy one asap wanted to find it cheap which is nice and all but now i have a fat scrape on the passenger side because i couldn't see and i wasn't far enough left!! isnt that awesome!!

[slamminslamminmcgill]

all im saying is ✨Logan with a knot✨ and Wade overstimulating you bc you cant get away -🦐

shrimp anon more like shrimp COLORS bro your vision is INSANE!!!!!!

soooo idk conventional a/b/o rules and i kinda don't care so im picturing a heat cycle as once a month endeavour. and bc you're on T you're a HORNY motherfucker and you're angry and violent so it's basically whoever can get their hands on you or knot in you first will take care of you. then as long as you get bred at least once you're fine. then you calm down and it's big aftercare hours bc your post-heat clarity endorphins are going CRAZY

now since your heat only comes once a month, wade treats it as a special occasion. and it wouldn't be fair of him to do the honors EVERY month, now would it?

so even though he's home with you, and logan's not, and won't be for a while, wade wilson will refuse to fuck you. it's not his turn. he did it last month.

and your heat is MISERABLE. imagine the worst period cramp you ever had, combined with hot flashes, searing rage, and it gives your cunt the sensitivity of a fucking bear trap. you'll clamp down on anything that touches you.

so no matter how much you suffer. no matter if you scream, cry, beg, grovel, bite, or commit acts of gratuitous violence against him.

he will hold out.

he will hold out until logan gets home and finds you naked, cuffed to the bed by your hands and ankles, a chewy ball-gag in your mouth getting crushed by your gritting teeth, and wade's holding a wand vibrator to your cunt.

he waves gayly at logan, "hey pinkie pie, merry christmas! wanna come open your gift?"

"jesus christ, are you fucking torturing him?! the hell is wrong with you?!"

"with ME?! where's your holiday spirit?"

logan just stares at him blankly, puzzled by what this psychotic dipshit could possibly be talking about. in response, and in the spirit of the season, wade sings him a song.

"🎼it's the mooost wonderful tiiiiime, of the mooonth~!🎵"

now he gets it.

"oh... okay. so then why did you tie him down like that?"

"well, we had a little INCIDENT earlier..."

--

you had managed to grab one of wade's guns and shot him in the chest

"OW!!! you RESOURCEFUL little shit!!! GRRR, oh~ mysweetboybabydarling i'msoproudofyou, butnoi'mnot, BAD BOY!!!"

--

"no, i mean why didn't you take care of him your-fucking-self, wilson? you really gotta make this my problem as soon as i walk in the fuckin' door?"

"your PROBLEM?! i hand you some prime-time, limited-edition, hot and bothered, ripe for the breeding, tranny boy BUSSY on a silver platter, and that's somehow NOT where your dick wants to spend its evening? am i hearing that right? please tell me i'm not. please tell me you're not this stupid, pookie bear."

instead of arguing back, logan goes quiet. he's thinking. and then, he laughs. that low, husky laugh that you have when you're marveling at the nerve of whatever dumb motherfucker is talking to you. or maybe, when that dumb motherfucker is making a point.

"heh... y'know what? fine." logan angrily strips his clothes off, one by one. his tanktop, "you want me to be the one to knot him? huh?" his belt, his jeans "can't do anything yourself, can ya?" and lastly, his boxers. then he grabs his cock and shakes it at wade.

"so then get me hard, you faggot." he clicks his tongue twice. "c'mon."

wade throws himself at logan's knees and gives him that gawkgawk4000turbotyphoon treatment to get him up. logan sighs in relaxation, grateful that wade was putting his mouth to such better use. once his eyes flutter open, he nods at you, finally giving you even a modicum of attention while you're under intense distress, and he merely waves at you nonchalantly, like how a pedestrian does to a car that lets him cross.

"hang tight, bub. be with ya in a second."

wade works him over until his knot is just barely starting to swell. he then takes his fattened cock and slaps wade across the face with it.

"take his chains off."

"hm... are you sure you want me to do that, princess? he's feisty, y'know. might get yourself bit, if you're not careful."

logan slaps wade again, but this time it's a bitchslap, using the back of his hand. and his claws.

"take. his fucking. chains off."

"mmm, right AWAY, your majesty~!"

[teddy-feathers]

i hate my aunt.

she made another comment on if i wanted to take more pills or if i wated to grow up and deal with shit.

she does not get that if i didnt have the pills id already be dead. this is not hypothetical. i have wrecked my car on purpose several times, I have too many knives and access to medication and im just smart enough to be a danger to myself. one day i took like a handfull of my actual medication because it was going to fucking help or the next handfull of pills i took wouldnt be to help. and you know what. it fucking helped.

and its not oh youre just reacting badly to stress. no. even when everything was fine id find ways to be stressed or miserable or apathetic. in fact when things were at their best i was often at my worst - and that was after i got back reconnected with family got past the shame started working with a therapist had a job was doing good... and i was still thinking of killing myself. still having days where funtioning was too much like being skinned alive. still being fucking at war with myself from being too up and too down at the same time. and i was doing good. everything was finally better and had been better for a while and i was actively or passively sabotaging that.

and you know what? if there was a possible way to bootstrap myself better, idve fucking found it by now. so being medicated is like actually good for me. and i know it is because when i forget to take my meds or like right now when im switching meds and im fucking miserable and struggling to even pretend to be a person. like im managing to maintain an illusion but its not my best work let me tell you.

that and my best fucking friend are the only reason i called my shrink to say "yeah i actually am not okay" after a week of fucking going "dying sounds nice right now" like honestly and truely if it werent for my best friend id just give up trying.

like i get it. im in a bad place right now and youre worried and you think you know best. but the second you said that snide fucking comment i basically stopped listening. im so fucking furious.

ill give you drug seeking behavior. ill give you taking the god damn easy way out. (she did not say this but you can understand why i think its implied from her fucking attitude)

like. god i want to tell her so bad to stop making comments about it, to just fucking forget im medicated if thats what it takes. because the next time she makes a comment about it that will be the end of the conversation. that is the boundary im setting. that will be the end of the conversation.

but i dont have the fucking balls to set boundries do i.

like. i am sick right now. mentally.

im glad my knives are mostly in the car. im glad my best friend expects me to get up in the morning and gibe her a hug before work. im less glad that i cant bring myself to do things i need to keep my life running but ive got some leeway and hopefully my meds will level me out soon enough that no actual issues arrise. im glad that i might get out of this without fucking up my life or whatever. im glad that this isnt a couple of years ago where suicide seemed like an actual option and i couldnt roll my eyes as i lay here and rot and go "Yeah whatever your being dramatic" and that i know and *can* get up and get fluids and food when im rotting so im not actively making myself worse while i want for it to pass.

i hate that i do have to wait for it to pass. that i feel like if i do certain things it will trigger my own personal apocalypse or breakdown or something. i hate that my thoughts are variations of "i wish i was dead"

but because of the medication, even not at the right level, im not going to drive off the side of the road to deal with my problems.

i hate myself yeah but i hate my aunt and her shitty ass comments.

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent personal medical long post

So the shit week continues. No new painkillers, i took the last expired hydrocodone, so if im still in pain tomorrow im gonna have to cut a morphine in half and see if i can tolerate it (i took a whole 15mg one on sunday when my back pain first went out, and while it helped it was way too much painkiller and i got so nauseous. The hydrocodone is 1/3 of the morphine dose, and i dont know how to cut this tiny fucking morphine pill into 3. I dunno if its even big enough to be cut in half!!)

The specialist did get me a back xray which was normal (as expected), and physical therapy, which is good, except i can only attend if i get an appointment within 2 weeks, because after that i wont have a ride, and the distance to walk there is 2.5 miles steep downhill (fine. Ive done that walk before. It would suck because of the pain.) But coming back home after the appointment would be 2.5 miles steep uphill when im probably extremely sore and can barely walk after physical therapy (has always been the case whenever ive gone to pt) and i dont think i can fucking do 5 miles. I can hardly walk the stairs in my house. (Warned u bout the stairs dogg) The occasional 3 mile round trip that i do to go to the post office when i dont have access to a car is bad enough that it puts me out of commission, especially bc its all uneven terrain no sidewalks.

I tried calling anyway and its voicemail so theyre probably at lunch right now. But it still sucks. Im so fucking tired of this.

I hate having to rely on other people - doctors or family. I hate having to make and attend so many appointments. And im not even fucking doing everything i need to. I saw this pt place has pain management (i didnt think there was any in this area so i gave up on that) so i can try asking for that too, but again, thats more appointments i need to coordinate, and last time i did pain management they basically said "see a psychiatrist for antidepressants or try medical marijuana bc we cant do anything else for you" lmao (i did the mm despite never having tried it before. It helps but its not enough lol). My current psychiatrist has exhausted every medical option for my depression. So its either they give me painkillers or something else idk what, or i just stay home and continue to suffer.

And thats a whole nother thing the rheumatologist today was like "oh why did you stop antidepressants if youre in so much pain??" My duDE I WAS SO MISERABLE AND COULDNT DO ANYTHING AT ALL. FOR FIVE FUCKING YEARS. Once i stopped antidepressants, i was able to start exercising regularly, i started drawing and writing with more enjoyment (had not drawn with regularity since 2019!!), i am more present in life, like... doing antidepressants was the worst fucking 5 years of my life. None of them helped my depression, they only made me worse. I tried every branch of them and not a single one helped. Im still fucking depressed and anxious as shit taking methylphenidate but hard evidence points to it being a great help compared with anything else ive ever taken. God that fucking "treatment resistant depression" diagnosis was the worst fucking thing. Theres like nothing else to try except super niche experimental treatments that insurance wont cover and they dont accept secondary insurance (which is the one that i could probably get to cover a new treatment but it takes a lot of coordination on both parties, like what im doing for my tmj problems and getting aligners). Ughhh. I dont wanna fucking do experimental shit either. Unless someone wants to donate me an ayahuasca vacation or something lmao. (Joke, i dont have a passport and i dont wanna pause all my other meds)

It sucks that none of my medical problems are treatable. I got permanent depression/anxiety/ocd/whatever other things that are undiagnosed despite my requests for testing. Permanent endometriosis (no cure and my body isnt accepting the medical or sugical treatments). Lifelong teeth problems (unknown if this new treatment will help my teeth or jaw yet but like.. arthritis is also lifelong and damage is damage). Arthritis thats lifelong but Mostly managed, at least during warm seasons. Permanent untreatable fibromyalgia (the antidepressants are the only medical treatment for it and never helped with pain, maybe even made it worse, and no one wants to give me painkillers anymore since like 2015. Sucks that old people can get painkillers like candy but because im young and hide my pain really well i get treated like an addict. My mom was like 'your gramma gets painkillers all the time!!' Yeah but im not in my 70s. Theres age bias here.) I got chronic untreated gerd (well, i take otc meds, and my attempts to treat it got canceled bc thats when covid was rampant, and the doc stopped prescribing me stronger meds bc i hadnt seen him in a while, bUT I LITERALLY COULDNT GET IN BC OF COVID. I just dont eat any of my favourite acidic foods anymore. I miss tomatoes. Sometimes i gotta eat them and just triple up on 3 different antacids and deal with the sore throat the next day). Well, was gonna say i got chronic insomnia but thats probably the only thing thats fully treated by 2 meds and sometimes weed. (But like. Im a nightowl. Its just that i have to fit in with society to get up in the morning for appointments. I have that like delayed body clock issue lol. So in a way it kind of is still a chronic issue, but at least im getting a full night of sleep when the body pain isnt extreme.)

But yeah. It sucks to be me. Dunno where im going w this post. Its just so frustrating when youre telling the doctor you're in constant pain and hes like 'i know. See you in a couple months.' Rheumatologists are supposed to treat fibro. But i always get hot potatoed to the next doctor. Like i get it, i am untreatable, but someone please do something! Ugh. Like theres really no options besides painkillers or weed, and i can only use weed in the evenings bc my family doesnt approve (literally said the most vile shit when i mentioned the pain clinic recommended it), plus cant use it if im gonna drive somewhere - in theory, i dont have a license lol but the point is i shouldnt have to take an intoxicant during the day!! Painkillers at the lowest dose do not intoxicate me, and in fact, make me more lucid bc it lifts the fucking fog of pain!! Wish doctors would understand how much they helped me in the past. When i was on the combo of painkillers and the arthritis med im on now, i was literally going for jogs every fucking day. I have proof of it. I probably couldnt do that now bc im a lot heavier and a lot sicker, but the point is i can be more active if im not in pain, and being active helps both the arthritis and fibro! Ughhhh.

Online is like "painkillers have not been shown to help fibro" bull fucking shit. Maybe im an odd one out. But ive been diagnosed since i was 12 and fit the fucking symptoms. They fucking help and ive been off them for so many fucking years now while all my health has deteriorated. Do you know how miserable it is to find out you have fibromyalgia affecting the nerves around your teeth? On top of my tmj problems!! I can barely eat anything since starting the aligners because my mouth is in too much pain!!

The only thing painkillers havent helped was the fucking endometriosis, which ironically, is the only reason i even have painkillers on hand for my back injury.

And god fuck i do not want to think abt the endo. Theres no quality of life when im panicking every day about when the next flare up is gonna happen. Theres no hope there bc theres no treatment that works for me. I already had a hysto but it was probably too late since the endo spread. Idk if im gonna survive the next flare. Especially because i have to stop taking the med that was possibly helping since ive been on it too long. The doctors ive been seeing have just been like "we'll cross that bridge when we get to it" which is just causing more anxiety because the bridge is like. This next month. Whenever theres a flare up, i have to stop ALL my arthritis meds just so i can take advil since thats the only thing that provides me some relief (and thats terrifying bc advil has given me an ulcer before! Because of taking it during a period and i was in too much pain to sit up for 10 minutes after taking it. Fuck endo.) Idk what to do.

Anyway. Thats the sitch. Ill try calling for pt again since this took a while to type. If theyre still closed, well, i guess ill just go fuck myself.

[epaily]

long post talking about being depressed read at your own detriment

god ok i dick around and joke as much as the next person but holy FUCK i cant stand being mentally ill. i know you see all the time how it weighs you down without even knowing but i brush it off all the time and now im sitting here and its hitting me that this is point blank ruining my life. i think im being watched everywhere i go no matter what i do to the point where being out in an open space or talking to the wrong person gives me a panic/anxiety attack, i have a 24/7 non stop constant stream of self deprecation that talks me out of doing anything, and the things i do do i dont try on even if i need to because whats the point right. im so passively suicidal that i cant go 10 minutes without thinking that im worthless and that i should die, every day i wake up and im miserable from the moment i get out of bed to the moment i get in. i hate myself so viscerally that i cant even fathom a positive thing about myself. im so stupid and full of shit-for-brains i cant ever focus on something and i forgetthe most menial and basic things. i have to copy off of everyone because im so incapable of doing things alone and i cant even do things alone if i wanted to because i have aforementioned debillitating anxiety and the anxiety and everything else makes me WEIRD so i have no friends! and im weird because im suicidal and offputting! god its all a big fucking feedback loop how am i ever supposed to get out of this. it gets worse every day. it all stacks up. the only exit i can fathom, the only exit i HAVE been able to fathom for years is just stopping dead and offing myself and see there i go again. it would be so easy. i have no friends and my parents are terrible people and my cat is dead so whats the fucking point. nothing will get better. nothing HAS gotten better. i cant go to therapy or else i'll be institutionalized and i'll never see the sun again. i cant stomach human people and i dont know if what is in front of me is real half the time. im lonely my parents are awful i have no where else to go. i have no one to bitch at except this stupid little tumblr blog i have no support. if i hadnt sworn off cutting i would be doing so every single night. i am tired. i am so unbelievably fucking tired. why cant i be normal. why am i the only one in my vicinity who doesnt have their shit together. i wish i was normal. if i could take out even just one thing i might be able to get it together. i dont even really pretend im fine anymore. i can say that i am suicidal and no one bats an eye. i have to get a car and a real liscence for my career job and then the chance of me killing myself goes way tf up because then i can just drive my car into a building whenever i want. and god a fuckin. career job!! im a hack!!! i am 10 days away from finishing uni and everyone else is better then me. i dont know shit. i dont know the most basic prinicples no matter how much i study. im too soft. i hsve no skill. im never gonna make it. and maybe it wouldnt be so bad if i was good at or passionate about anything else but nah im so fucking spent im not GOOD AT or INTERESTED in ANYTHING because i JUST WANT TO BE DEAD. every single day of my life i wish i had tried harder to kill myself when i was 14. i should stop typing this out.

[yikesharringrove]

how about billy and steve aren’t able to quarantine together they are at their respective homes. but no neil please he’s dead none of him billy live with his mom and the boys are struggling but they’re trying

so, basically, Billy’s mom took her with him when she left Neil.

-

pwetty boi 🥺👉👈: should we just break up?

The text made Billy’s heart stop.

He knew Steve was being weird on the phone when they talked. Whenever Steve was quiet, it meant bad.

I mean, do you WANT to?

pwetty boi 🥺👉👈: like, no, but would it be easier? do YOU want to?

Of COURSE I don’t want to.

Billy sighed, tossing his phone onto the counter, scrubbing his hands down his face.

“What’s going on, Starfish?” He looked up at his mom with one eye.

“Steve’s being insecure.” She raised an eyebrow. “I just talked to him and now he’s texting me and asking if I want to break up.” They had met in college, both joined the LGBT+ club at Chapman University, ended up working at one of the coffee shops on campus together. They had been together for just about a year, spent almost all their time together.

And then global pandemic forced Steve outta the dorms and back to Indiana while Billy packed up and headed down to his mom’s place in San Diego.

“Why do you think he’s thinking that?”

“Steve’s clingy. He likes being around people, and being touched, like just straight cuddled, and his parents are real shitty, and pretty much ignore the fact that he exists, and me not being around to like, help him out is probably really fucking with him.”

She twisted one of his curls around her finger.

“Would his parents let him come here? He could stay with us.”

“I asked him when all this shit first went down, but they’re like, really freaking out about everything and want him home. It’s the first time they’ve been home for longer six days since Steve was fourteen.” Her jaw dropped.

“Oh my God. Poor Stevie. How could a parent just, just treat their child like that?” Billy licked her hand, made her laugh loudly. He checked his phone, finding a bunch of new texts from Steve.

pwetty boi 🥺👉👈: i’m sorry. i just feel like a chore.

pwetty boi 🥺👉👈: like, i think itd be easier for you

pwetty boi 🥺👉👈: if you dont have to deal with me

pwetty boi 🥺👉👈: im sorry im bothering you

Billy sighed.

“I should probably call him. He’s spiraling pretty hard. Twenty bucks says he hasn’t taken his meds in like, a week.” His mom tried to stifle a laugh, flicking a dish towel at him. He grinned at her while he pressed the call button.

“Hi, Bill.”

“Stevie, take your fuckin’ meds.” Steve huffed into the phone. “You can’t hide from me, Pretty Boy. I know how you get.”

“But I mean, think about it. You wouldn’t have to, to call and check in on me, you could just like, live your life. Date. If you wanted to.”

“We’re in a global pandemic. I’m not gonna go out and date, even if I fuckin’ wanted to break up with you.” He put his face down on the counter. “Now I’m gonna stay right here until you take your fucking meds.”

He could hear Steve stomping around on the line, slamming things around.

“Okay, I fucking took them.”

“Good. Now listen. I love you. I don’t want to break up with you. Even being halfway across the country from you, I’m so fucking happy. And it kills me that I can’t be with you right now, that I can’t hold you and help you, but I’m still here for you.”

“I’m sorry, Bill.” Steve sniffed. “I just, I hate it here. My parents are, are just all up in my shit, and my mom hasn’t let me leave the fucking neighborhood, and I, I’m so stressed out about school, and that I’m bringing you down and I feel like a fucking burden to everyone in my life and I, I” Steve broke down into sobs.

Billy’s heart fucking shattered.

All he wanted was to climb into a shitty dorm bed with Steve, hold him nice and close until he stopped feeling like shit about himself, until he understood that Billy fucking loves him.

“I’m sorry, Honey. I’m sorry I can’t help you. I wish I could do more. I love you. You are not a burden to me. I just, I wanna fucking climb through this phone and drag you home with me.”

“Maybe, maybe I could talk to my mom about, about visiting.” Billy held the phone out to his mom, putting Steve on speaker.

“Mom, tell Steve he can move in with us until it’s safe again.” She laughed lightly, taking the phone.

“Hi, Pumpkin. You are more than welcome here with us. Billy’s has been gardening up a storm. We’ve been giving away tomatoes to all the neighbors.” Steve laughed, it still sounded kinda wet.

“That sounds like heaven, ma’am.” She smiled warmly at Billy.

“Have Starfish send you my phone number, I can speak with your parents if you like. We’ve been very safe here. I’ve been sewing masks and giving them to all our friends as well.”

“I mean, I’ve been so miserable here, maybe, they might let me. I think my dad wouldn’t mind not having to deal with me anymore.” His mom pursed her lips at that. “I asked him for help with one of my classes, because apparently I forgot that he sucks, and he just told me I was an idiot for like, twenty minutes.”

She threw her rag down, her mouth all scrunched up.

“Baby, get the fuck out of that house. Come out here and hang out with me and my mom. We’ll help you with your work and won’t call you shitty names the whole time.”

“I don’t know, I am really fucking stup-”

“If you finish that fucking sentence, I swear to God, Steve.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine. Have your mom call my mom to set up our play date. We can have you quarantine in the guest room for a while after traveling.”

“Okay. Thank you, Bill.”

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

-

Billy was driving slowly through the pick up line.

They had a whole plan of attack. Steve had put on a pair of latex gloves, and would put his bags in the trunk and then sit in the back seat.

Billy was gonna take him home, and he was gonna shower while Billy tossed his traveled in clothes in the laundry.

He saw Steve standing there, his big duffel bag slumped next to his large suitcase.

He was in a mask, but waved giddily at Billy in his mom’s car.

They executed the plan flawlessly, and before they knew it, they were making out in the guest room of Billy’s little house.

His mom knocked on the door.

Steve rolled off of him sheepishly.

“You can come in.”

“Are you sure?” Billy rolled his eyes.

“Yes, I’m sure, Mom.” She winked at him when she came in.

She hugged Steve tight, and Billy’s heart fucking soared as Steve melted into the hug.

“I’m so glad you could come out here. It’s wonderful to meet you.”

She smelled like fresh bread and lilies. Steve loved it.

“It’s nice to meet you as well, Mrs. Hargrove.”

“Oh please, call me Beth.” She pulled away from the hug. “Sweet Thing, come help me set the table. Let Steve get his bearings.” Steve was grinning.

“Billy calls me Sweet Thing.”

“Well, he comes from a long line of nicknamers, so you better get used to it, Sugar.” Billy kissed him on the cheek as he followed his mom out.

Steve still has no idea what Beth said to his mother to convince her to send Steve out to San Diego for the foreseeable future.

But somehow, she had made it work, and he wasn’t gonna be alone, or with cold parents that called him names, wasn’t gonna have to cry himself to sleep, not when he could sneak into Billy’s cozy little room.

He could garden with Billy, and Billy said he’d teach him how to skateboard, take him on bike rides around town.

They would cook, and Billy would help him finish the semester online, and the weather was warm and-

And Billy loved him.

Loved him so much he convinced his parents to let him fly across the country to live with him.

Steve had never been loved like this before.

And he was gonna fucking cherish it.

[noahhernandez]

2/9/2015 v. 8/11/2020

1:Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie. My favorite movie is Scream, and it started when I saw the midnight premier of Scream 4 with my dad back when I was in 8th grade, then Scream 1 came on AMC late on night and I just really like it

I still think Scream is one of my favorites, but Halloween has jumped up there just because I am obsessed with all things horror really lol. I started to love Halloween because of the new trilogy.

2:Talk about your first kiss. It’s really not that interesting but really like embarrassing. It was with my first boyfriend and I had just turned 15 and we were at the school just walking around and we went into the band hall and I was like ok im leaving and he was like wait and we kissed and i was like o

the same ! 

3:Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for. I never really have had intense feelings for anyone. I d k

One my exes- I mean we were dating for awhile so that’s pretty intense to me. 

4:Talk about the thing you regret most so far. I regret… Nothing really I mean, I have done really bad things in my life, but i don’t regret them

I regret failing like 2 semesters of college lmao and almost dropping out. If i didn’t then I would 1- would have been done earlier and 2- would have already completed a year of grad school but IDK also another is wasting lots of money in 2017-2018

5:Talk about the best birthday you’ve had. The best birthday I’ve had was.. Idk This year was was nice I saw Iggy Azalea in concert, then I celebrated my friends’ birthday then mine and it was just everyone got to get together so ya this year my 18th

For my 21st birthday I went to Portland, Oregon and spent the weekend there and it was pretty and my first time there so it was nice despite what I think about PDX now. I don’t even know what I was doing for my 19 and 20th birthday lol. 

6:Talk about the worst birthday you’ve had. My 17th birthday because I was stuck 2 hours away from home with a bunch of nerds doing a band competition 

That is still probably my worst birthday. I forget to mention that I was gone literally from like 7am to midnight. They werent a bunch of loser nerds, they were my friends, but I still wish I was just at home lol. 

7:Talk about your biggest insecurity. I am skinny, but not fit. If I eat anything I get this like stomach and it makes me so sad. and ever since I got a job I work odd hours and I eat a lot of fast food and I’ve gained 10 pounds in 2 years and I guess i’m insecure about my weight

I am still insecure about my weight, and I probably weight like 5 pounds more than I did when I made this post 5 1/2 years ago. 

8:Talk about the thing you are most proud of. We have band banquets for band, and I only went my sophomore and junior year, and seniors give out awards to underclassmen that are just jokes really, and both years 4 different seniors gave me an award for being the biggest gossip in the entire band and I was proud of that lol

Well since then I have graduated both high school and college. I am proud that I finished college !! A BS in Psych. Proud of myself that I got promoted (in 2017) at my job; i’m proud of myself that I have my own apartment, and blah blah basically just doing regular adult shit. 

9:Talk about little things on your body that you like the most. I like my nose because of how perfectly fixed it is. I also really like my freckles/moles/dark marks idk what they are exactly, but they’re on my face and they look great

I still feel the same way about this, maybe add my eyebrows- they’re not like clean and nice they’re just expression markers on my face that i love.

10:Talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had. I got into a fight with my old friend Angelica and that was almost 4 months ago and we used to be best friends and now we never talk.

When Janett didn’t talk to me all summer of 2019 because I told our other friend Angel something

11:Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had. I cant remember one 12:Talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had. I can’t remember one

13:Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time. The closest thing i’ve had to like sex was being locked in a back of an SUV with a stranger drunk as fuck and naked and its embarrassing

Just awkward and nothing to which I expected. 

14:Talk about a vacation. When I was 16, the high school band took a trip to Hawaii, and all my friends were in band so it was great. We did a lot of things, we toured Pearl Harbor and even played a few patriotic songs on the USS Miss. and our hotel was on Wakiki beach. I went snorkeling in some beautiful water and shit and idk just walked all around Hawaii having a great time omg we got on stage at the Hard Rock Cafe and sang with German people i miss it

Hm that was fun. But I.. went to NY with my ex and that was pretty cool because I literally love New York, and I went to NOLA two years ago (today actually) and got miserably drunk so that was fun too 

15:Talk about the time you were most content in life. Probably just in the middle of junior year when everything and everyone was going with the flow

I feel like 2016 was a very content year because I remember nothing about it. 

16:Talk about the best party you’ve ever been to. Idk which one to talk about the one where I had a lot of fun and risked my life or the one where there was a lot of drama stirred up and drank myself to sadness. 

I haven’t really been to a party? I have gone out and had good times. Really anytime my friends and I go out I am having a good time 

17:Talk about someone you want to be friends with. I am already friends with people I want to be friends with

18:Talk about something that happened in elementary school. I kissed a boy on the back of the head and i told I just fell onto his head

Let me think of another one. Back in like fourth grade my friend was in a wheel chair and his backpack was falling from the back and I was trying to grab it and i was only 3 feet tall i couldnt see over or wasnt paying attention and i crashed him right into the bookshelves at the library. 

19:Talk about something that happened in middle school. A girl was mad at me because idk why lol and she pushed me in the hall way and I fucking flew across that hall on the floor and hit the wall she’s pregnant now

When I was in 5th grade (which is considered middle school in my district) I was standing on the play ground and someone threw a stick at my head and it knocked me the fuck out and I was bleeding from my temple.

20:Talk about something that happened in high school. In Jr. Year I was pulling into the parking lot but I was texting and I accidentally put half my car on grass area near the side walk luckily it was 7am and only one person saw me do it lol

One summer going into our senior year we had a party at Michelle’s house. First of all we were very drunk and Coby’s parents were like we are coming over and we cleaned TF UP so fast and sat on the couch and turned on I Know What You Did Last Summer and his parents were like interesting and and left and then we continued to drink anyways- we started playing truth or dare and my friend Angelica was like I dare u to kiss Anthony (someone I had liked prior) and he wouldnt and we started attacking him and calling him homophobic and hitting him with pillows lmao- him and I are still friend-ish

21:Talk about a time you had to turn someone down. I can’t think of something right now.

Literally anyone on grindr.

22:Talk about your worst fear. I’m afraid of having no career and being stuck doing something I hate and living paycheck to paycheck

Yeah, I’m scared of that still but I.. think just like being broke and jobless. RN with the pandemic we aren’t really working and still getting gov’t assistance, so.  IDK being a real real adult scares me a lot. 

23:Talk about a time someone turned you down. I can’t think of a time :)

One time in like 2016 maybe idk - this dude told me to come over and he lived far like not that far maybe 25 minutes lol far for me anyways I got to his apartment and there was a gate code and i asked him what it was and he didnt answer and it was like 2-3am and nobody was coming in or out and so i was like damn this sucks lmao

24:Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot. Nothing really has meant a lot to me. Everyone tells me the same thing over and over again and its so surface level

I still can’t think of anything but I’m sure the friends I have met since this and my friends Faith, Michelle, Peter, and Alisa have said something supportive that meant a lot to me. 

25:Talk about an ex-best friend. Angelica Ramirez. She was my best friend for only 3 years, but together we went through A LOT of shit. We started out senior year just fine, but she lied about a few things and made a lot of us feel like crap in October. I won’t lie, I do miss her. We have too many memories to just forget, too many funny stories and great adventures. She helped me with too much, and sometimes I think about how I cut her out of my life and I mad a bad choice. But only time can heal things and I have moved on and truly found people that won’t make me mad every 30 seconds. 

Brianna Pajak, I don’t remember anything about her except she was poor and we stopped being friends because she always wanted to fight and be annoying. 

26:Talk about things you do when you’re sick. Lay on bed on my computer and watch TV

I normally just suffer and cry about wishing I was healthy again.

27:Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body. Their…!!>>>??? 

I must have nice hands and ur nose must be nice too! so nose and hands. lol

28:Talk about your fetishes. none

yeah I don’t have any lol not that I can think of. 

29:Talk about what turns you on. Idk i really like kissing and touching and this is awkward. 

30:Talk about what turns you off. bad breath by

that and ugly/rough hands, acne sorry i know it is natural but, shorter than me lol, white people, long hair on guys, and thats about it i think hm i am single yes 

31:Talk about what you think death is like. I think its like idk its scary tho

um idk i dont like thinking about death because i literally want to cry when i think about it. 

32:Talk about a place you remember from your childhood. I remember being in trees a lot

My step grandma’s a lot because my parents were working and she would watch us. She passed away about a month ago :( 

33:Talk about what you do when you are sad. I usually only tell one person and that person is Alisa and I cry sometimes to her and expect her to make things better and she does thank u

I be doing the same thing, I text someone and that person could really be anyone but it happened the other day and I texted Bri and she was very helpful. 

34:Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured. I have no idea, I’ve never broken pulled strained twisted fractures or anything i have no life

I still haven’t done any of that stuff to my body. I also have burn scars but I did not feel those when it was happening. I would just say i guess my wisdom teeth coming in because I did not get them removed. I have 3 out lol.

35:Talk about things you wish you could stop doing. Pushing potential love interests away 

I have had some ‘love interests’ since this post, but it’s been about a year now since and I kind of push away the opportunity of getting close to someone. I also need to stop being a bitch sometimes. 

36:Talk about your guilty pleasures. eating 

I would say idk eating was a stupid answer. 

37:Talk about someone you thought you were in love with. never

I was in love and i didn’t ‘think’ I was in love. I don’t know what you mean by talk about them, they were my partner but we broke up hehe.

38:Talk about songs that remind you of certain people. Fireflies by Owl City reminds me of my 7th grade crush Fancy by Iggy Azalea reminds me of my two friends Michelle and Alisa idk anything else

um Idk. i rly cant think  39:Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier. I wish I would have known that

That it’s okay to tell people you’re struggling lol . That is okay to fail sometimes (school).  40:Talk about the end of something in your life. everything is just about to start

When I ended how to get away with murder I wish I never did I love that show with all my heart. 

[cybernightwanderer]

How whats left of me faded away, and how my first christmas home became my last : - The day my mom died. - The concept of family finally ended for me. - And how “ it doesnt get any better”.

23rd December.

These past few months i have been on psiquiatric medical leave from work due to a very severe depression thanks to the amazing workplace enviroment that has now crippled me so deeply physically and mentally, more before.

Its funny how when i try my hardest to recover and get my life back, its becomes so clear its a fucking joke.

Begining of the year i managed to fight off my mom on the money she was forcing me to pay her, and i managed to pay less from what i was paying before, and due to these medical leaves and corona, i get very little support finnancialy. I managed to save up almost 1k, i was ready to start believinng i could fix up my life. However i still pay her what i have to monthly, half the bills, 50 euros for food that i may consume at the house, and i also buy my food and my own things like i always did.

My mom has the tendancy to force me to take borrowed money she lends me.

For example mid corona time, i had to have gum surgery due to an old tooth infection, wich turned out to be 3 tooths, and i took out 2, needless to say my mom helped me with half of the apointments, i payed the surgery ones but then i needed follow up apointments so i wouldnt lose 4 more teeth. Apointments i canceled right away , beause i didnt have any money, and my mom being the mom that she is i always refuse her “ loans “ due to her being worse than a fucking stereotipical loan shark that takes that money back with interest, but in mental health and sanity. However she kept squedueling the apointments without me knowing, then tell me 1 day early, then get mad at me because id tell her i had no money so i told her to cancel and not make apointments without my consent and knowledge. This to wich she responded with screams , name calling , telling me to cancel myself and the general griefing of : “OK fine ill never help u with anything again “ / “ ok fine i dont care anymore then “, “ what you are too good to take my money is that it? “ Then when i standed my ground , proceeding to treat me miserably for the following week, demanding me to do random chores, just for the sake of punishing me , leaving dirty dishes of her own food acumulating so she could force me to do them and threaten me with a beating if i didnt, or making me wash the bathroom everyday for no reason.

With all this mess, half the money i had saved up + using it on the apointments and paying her back right away at the end of the month the consultations i owed her. I was left with 400 bucks.

Wich later on were also spent in dentist urgency apointments, because i kept having infections, psiquiatrist apointments and medicine and a laywer for the work harrassement situation, and then and there, all my money was gone.

The situation goes by, im home , receiving basic support for the medical leave, i pay my share of the bills and i do my own thing, however depression has gotten worse, my attacks have gotten worse, and everything just feels like rock bottom here.

These last 2 months, ive been trying so hard... so hard to get back on my feet, i was taking my medicine, i was taking a languague course, i was going to the doctor. I was really, really trying. Its funny how hard i was trying, for the first time in my life i was really trying to believe it could get better.

My mom was even acting nice and it almost seemed like she was really supporting me and trying.

December 23. Me and my mom go the psiquiatrist apointment for him to avaluate my condition. For the first time the apointment wasnt so heavy, it didnt leave me so weary from it. I finally believed. By the end of the consultation my doctor asks my mom to make sure i dont go back to that work place, because it might have a huge take on my life. My mom turns to the doctor and says : “ I know she cant go back , but she cant be unemployed either.” And the doctor says : “ I know, but if she goes back it can make her worse, we cant let that happend, its damaging her“ ( meaning she could kill herself, due to the last apointments conversation ) On to wich my mother replied : “ Well i cant be providing for us both with my money “.

...

When we arrived at the car i asked her why she said that and what she meant by that. And i told her that i pay for my food and that i pay for the things i eat that she buys ( wich is not much ) and that i also pay for half the bills.

To wich she agressivly threatned me to shut up and started yelling right away and acting like a victim with her mild aneurism that happend quite a few years ago in wich she HAS BEEN FULLY HEALED AND PERFECT HEALTHY, but always uses as an excuse to dodge the discussion after demanding certain shit or just plain insulting me. After a lot of lying and name calling and even telling me that i eat her food and that i live off of her. Into wich i replied, i dont always eat your food , and theres a lot of times when i dont eat and you yell at me and treat me badly for not eating your food wich led me to just eat cereals for months everyday as all 3  meals or not even eating and skipping meals for being too afraid of making my own food in the kitchen.

And so on... And i asked her what she wanted from me. And after a long car fight and a lot of gaslighting, she finnaly admitted she just wanted more money “ because if all your friends pay normal rent , you should too “ ( meaning a 450 rent ).

And then i just gave up and told her ok, ill pay you a full rent and i will also never toutch your food again. She laughed and made fun of me. And said : like ur even gonna buy your own food, you always use my things. to wich i asked what things? Oh you use my shampoo and toilet paper. To wich then i replied, everytime i buy toiler paper for me, you just take it as your own, and i dont use your shampoo or body wash i buy my own and i have been buying my own. And she just kept fighting me on it saying i do...and i told her i dont, if i by any chance dont have shampo ill use body wash as shampoo or vice versa. She just wanted to be right, so i just told her, ill pay you anything you want, i just dont wanna fight anymore im tired. To wich then she just kept saying “ oh now ur just trowing a fit “ And i sayd to her, why me agreing to what u ask and calmly shutting up to not fight anymore , how is that trowing a fit? i just gave you what you wanted, you dont need to be angry anymore.

And she just kept going at it, trying to poke my nerves until i just completly yelled and when crazy. The she acted like a victim again.

I am so drained, i am so tired....

After that discussion it was just 10 minutes of silence. I made a decision. That woman is not my mother anymore.

She wants to be a landlord so bad, she will be one.

My mother has died.

After a few minutes almost home , she decides to turn the “ mother mode “ on, and goes like “ oh you have to go to the doctor blah blah lets get your medicine etc. And i just told her, no. Ill go to the doctor on my own means, and ill buy the medicine when i have money.

Obviously she completly dismissed what i sayd and tried to drive me to the doctor and the pharmacy. After a few NO’s , she went home.

I got home, i took care of my things and i sorted out my doctors paperwork, she tries to come into my room, and acting like a worried mother like : “ oh did you do this -- etc” ( what i was already doing ) and i just told her, to stop. That she doesnt get to “ talk to me about those things anymore, or about my buisness.

Shes not my mother anymore. She doesnt get to act like a mother do just order me around and controll me. She is just a landlord now.

A few hours later, shes wrapping up presents and asks me to do it and asks me for my gifts wrapping thingies, and i told her no. Immediatly got mad at me and kept trowing provocative comments. And i told her, i didnt want any xmas gift from her, and that i wouldnt be spending xmas with her.

She made that usual smirk she mades when she sees me upset.

fast forward, the next day.

24 December

---

[letstalksymphogear]

Symphogear, EP.7 (Cont.)

“i have not now, nor ever, liked this creepy ass church elevator.”

“kanade please get out of my head, just because im hungry doesnt mean you have to tell me every time i am”

Hibiki finishes getting a full body X-ray. She’s fine.

“that anime protagonist immunity is really kicking in well!”

“by the way, your wife is here! and she’s looking mighty miffed., as opposed to me, mighty milfed.”

“you dont strike me as a mother figure but ill play along for now”

“i just hope miku’s okay...”

“oh, she’ll be fine! see, i’ve seen these kinds of plots before. big secret revealed, another lover is shown, the victim watches as they’re thoroughly cheated on, and they get to lik-”

“please stop breathing”

Genjuro’s wasting away again in Margaritaville. Looking for some daughter to adopt. SOME PEOPLE SAY THAT THERE’S A, WOOOOMAAAAAN TO BLAAAAAAAAAAME, BUT HE KNOWS

XYLOPHONE RIFF

THAT’S IT’S ALL HIS FAULT

XYLOPHONE RIFF

“i hate it when he gets like this. jimmy buffets not a good look for him.”

“for once you and i agree. seeing the commander sulk like this like a middle aged perma-tourist is genuinely miserable”

“hey homies! im back and i brought some bitches! oh, jesus, why does this place smell like mistakes in miami?”

“its me. im sorry. every time i feel like i failed as a dad, my anti-dad energies manifest. imagine every midlife crisis rolled up into a single ball, smacked into the face for eternity. thats the depth of my pain for failing this girl.”

In a moment of positivity, the friendship between Tsubasa and Hibiki is cemented.

> Tsubasa has joined the party.

“FRIENDSHIP!”

“fweindship.”

“uuuuhhhhh... dadship? yeah thats close enough.”

“WE’RE ALL GOOD FRIENDS!”

“ya tiddies are ringing again, better go get it”

Ryoko also points out that Hibiki’s relic is fusing with herself at an alarming rate. This is important to keep in mind.

Meanwhile, at night.

Miku is posing in the motherly “you done fucked up, where have you been young lady” position. A cold scolding is coming.

“.........................hey miku......”

“you can come in. are you worried im gonna bite? you suplexed a car. that shouldn’t be an issue anymore.”

“miku, i.... i wanted to tell you.... but.... the plot wouldn’t let me, miku....”

“should’ve told the plot to fuck off anyway. now you’re gonna live with that. you’re sleeping... on the bottom bunk.”

“b.... b..... b...... b.... b...... bottom bunk...?”

They slept separately that night. God, this is so stupid. All of this is so goddamned stupid. “I’m so mad at you even though you saved my life.” This is just so. AUGH. THIS IS DUMB. KANEKO WRITE BETTER ANGST THAT MAKES SENSE THAT ISN’T THIS.

Meanwhile, far away from this garbage...

Chris, having been evicted from Fine’s McMansion, wanders the streets of mumblemumble aimlessly. Don’t be fooled by her new fancy dress. Basically, she’s a combat-competent hobo.

“no food. no home. no victories. this sucks. whyd you do it, fine? we coulda been great together. but no. ya fired me. now i look like im prancing the red light district with a highly advanced superweapon around my neck.”

“no... hibiki’s to blame. ever since that genderbent little mac showed up to fight me, it’s been all downhill. fine thought me a laughstock because i couldnt take out her oversized boxing gloves, and now she beat me while i had nehushtan. god... i wish i never met that damn hamster faced chubby cheeked nerd.”

“wait, whats that crying”

Chris spies two kids talking to each other, one of them crying. Chris immediately makes an assumption, believing the big bro is bullying his sis.

“hey! stop nicking her lunch money, twerp”

Chris currently is a firm believer of corporeal punishment.

But the sister deflects the blow. Chris can’t even defeat children right now. Truly, this is a record low for her. You know you blew it when even kids are schooling you on basic morality. She then tells the little girl to stop crying, ironically mirroring her brother.

The infamous double T-Pose maneuver. Chris, you might as well get a shovel and start digging your own grave.

“i keep doing bad things badly, and now im doing good things badly... when fine said i was bad... did she just mean im not talented?”

Chris, finally, does a good thing and helps these kids find their parents.

“yeah. hibiki saved a kid when she got her gear. guess what? bam! im saving two! that’s fifty percent more kid per kid saved. take that, weirdo.”

The kids call her out on Chris singing unconsciously, and Chris gets flustered over it. Dawwwwww.

Chris manages to get them to safety to their Dad...

...while brutally lying about it, making Chris look like a predator. There’s a very crushing irony at play here, given who Chris used to serve.

“ugggggggggggggggghhhhhh hes not even gonna payyyyy meeeeeee why the fuck did i dooooo thiiiiiiissssss”

“hey, you know. you kids have a really nice relationship with one another. care to give me tips on how to be an empathetic human being capable of making friends?”

“maybe we’re born with it”

“maybe its maybeline”

“maybeline...”

Meanwhile...

A cold wind blows through Lydian Apartment 69-L. (I don’t actually know if that’s their room number, I just made it up.)

“jesus take the wheel, because i’m jumping out the passenger seat to save this current wreck of a relationship”

“miku please i saved your life, doesnt that count for anything”

“you already killed me the moment you lied. also im taking the bottom bunk so i dont have to see your face coming down the ladder.”

“miku you cant hide in this depression den forever. i know i hurt you and im sorry for it, but please understand i literally couldnt do it. you saw there were punches and violence and stuff... i didnt want you tied to that...”

“what was that? i cant hear your apologies over my incredibly loud snoring. SNOOOOOOORE. SNOOOOOOOORE. SNOOO- fuck, i just swallowed my spit, fuck”

“i hope this cocoon of displeasure you’ve made for yourself lets you erupt into a butterfly of acceptance so i can fly with you again.”

“......thats not fair. you cant say those beautiful metaphors and get away with it. let me be mad... sniff... let me be mad...”

Sadness wafts in the den of lies Hibiki has been forced into.

No music plays. There is only heartbreak, and woe.

In the midst of this pain...

Ryoko loredumps about how the Symphogears work and are immune to the noise on her blog, ‘hornyonmainforscience.org’, her hybrid science journal slash kink zone. It’s mostly a recap with some pretty good soft techno beats in it.

“i made a custom brew of red bull, five hour energy drink, coffee, and cream. i call it gamer girl piss.”

“damn. that’s some good piss.”

She muses about how Hibiki has managed to break the limitations of her Symphogear, making her a totally unique specimen. Wait, where have we heard this before...?

Hey... Ryoko... let’s just... cool it a bit with the Hibiki pictures... come on...

Ryoko touches upon the Custodians and the Curse of Babel. We ain’t touching that shit until later, because that’s another shitfuck box of crazy just ready to jump us in a dark alleyway to rob us of our wits.

Back to Lydian:

“miku whats the answer to the first three multiple choice questions”

“B. A. D.”

“oh, thanks. huh, BAD.”

“yeah. you are.”

“mmm. taste likes dissapointment. just like my life.”

“hey table for two haha get it cause there’s two chairs and miku for the love of god, please, forgive me”

“ive surgically removed my eyes and drew eyelashes over them with sharpie so i dont have to see your bird bangs.”

“thats very rude to both me and my hair. also, wig.”

Even Hibiki’s meal is judging her. Mainly for not eating it. Fucking look at this. God, that looks amazing. Fuck, why did I write this while I was hungry.

“miku you cant do this forever. i might die and youll end up crying on my tombstone going ‘oh god, why, oh god’, and really, i cant live with myself if that happens. mainly because id already be dead by then”

The Anime Janai crew show up to break some icebergs with a goddamn sledgehammer. As the self-aware Gods of this realm, they got very tired of this poor display of angst, and have decided to directly intervene.

Nevermind. They came for her kneecaps, and they most certainly got them.

PLEASE. I’M BEGGING YOU. END THIS GARBAGE PLOT THREAD.

“look. imma lay down the facts. yall are gay. yall are in love. yall are angry for the wrong reasons. its nobody’s fault here but the writer. so please kiss and make up. pretty please.”

“kaneko... you fool... we all know what the original sin is. its your hack writing making this stupidity in the first place. let the pencil go, asshole!”

They bring up the fact that Hibiki isn’t doing her work and wonder if she has a job on the side, which isn’t allowed by the school. Miku gets annoyed and bails, with Hibiki running after her. Unfortunately, Miku runs faster...

“oh god miku not the rooftop whatever you’re thinking just dont do it! please!”

“no. i came here to angst, since this is the Maximum Angst Zone.”

“i..... okay! okay, that’s fair! rooftops are the perfect place to look sad while getting proper air ventilation, thats fine”

It really would have been better played if it was played off that she felt hurt not because of the lie, but because she felt like she could have helped her better having known the truth, and it being a self-loathing sort of scenario for not being there better for her and not fully understanding the risk at play.

But no, instead, we get this.

Absolutely obliterated. A heart ripped, shredded, and sent to the Shadow Realm.

The episode ends on that note, but has a post credit scene.

Naked. On an old timey telephone. On a computer. Wearing stockings and long gloves.

The main antagonist of the series, everybody.

She’s talking the best English possible to some random-ass American when suddenly bursting through the scene is none other than:

“I WANT WORKERS COMPENSATION YOU BITCH, BEFORE I UNIONIZE YOUR NAKED ASS”

“AND I WANT A GOOD REFERNECE FOR MY FUTURE EMPLOYER, AND ALSO A SEVERANCE PACKAGE SINCE I’M FUCKING HOMELESS”

“i paint my eyelashes with mascara made from the tar of freshly carbonated corpses manufactured through noise, what on gods green earth compels you to think id give a rats ass about you?”

“so you never cared, huh! you’re just a nasty naked hedonist trying to- trying to- what the fuck are you even trying to do?!”

“i want to live the dream every spicy little fossil like me yearns for.”

“I WANNA FUCK GOD!”

“how- what? what? how do you even- what? are you- do you want to be the pope? is that it? does the pope get to fuck god? are you- is this a larping thing? you’ve really been into larping lately! i don’t like this!”

“youve never read the old testament, have you. ass out, pussy bare, hips up and barefoot. that’s how god’s always liked it.”

“now get lost, punk. you tipped off my hand to genjuro and now you being here is going to ruin everything. if you still feel any semblance of devotion, eat one of your own bullets and call it a day.”

“it’s 2012 bitch, if the mayans dont get you, I WILL”

“what god gives, He takes away, and so do i. i built you from the ground up. your relic, which was good for jack shit on you. the nehushtan, which you failed to do anything with except zap a couple hundred people. stop wars? you’re a walking war, waged by me, for me. and your cartridge has just run out of bullets.”

“uh oh! hand’s acting up again! better bail before i send you back to smacktown where all the bitter little shittalkers like you strut around spending their lives being useless as hell.”

“ah fuck, im not dealing with no manos: the hands of fate bullshit again”

“and guess what else i got on motherfucker”

“i see the union efforts have officially been busted. understandable, have a nice day ma’am”

“LEAVE.”

“I’M GOING, I’M GOING”

[roleplaylogs]

Sherstrade Royalty AU

A nice long text-based RP where Greg is Prince Sherlock’s bodyguard.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You both like Sherstrade.

You: (Royal AU. Sherlock is the prince of England and Greg is his bodyguard and head of security. They have a close relationship but aren't together yet. Age gap please. Sherlock has snuck out with no security and without telling anyone where he's gone) Oh, Lestrade, save me from the paparazzi. My location has been revealed /again/. SH (26)

Stranger: You see, you drama queen, this is why I've told you repeatedly to tell me before you go off adventuring. GL (45)

You: I'm not a drama queen and it's not really an adventure. SH I'm just at a club, but it's a fancy one, I thought I'd be fine. Clearly not. SH

Stranger: You know you only have to say you want to go out and I'd arrange something. And don't worry about me cramping your style, I'd assign someone else. GL

You: But it's not as fun when there's someone with me, you know that. SH You, or whoever you'd send, would definitely be a buzzkill. SH

Stranger: They're just there to make sure there are no security breaches. There'd be no reporting on your behaviour, your privacy would be upheld. GL

You: Well for that, I wouldn't trust anyone but you. Those parties can get a little wild. SH

Stranger: I absolutely do not need to know what you get up to on your nights out. The state of you when I pick you up tells me more than enough. GL

You: That's entirely fair. SH I'm not that bad now, because it's still so early. Someone called the Daily Mail and now I'm hiding in the smoking area. SH Are you on your way? SH

Stranger: I'll be there soon. You need to stop doing this though, Sher. I'm an old man, the 3am wake up calls are getting a bit much. GL

Stranger: I'll work on finding someone you can trust but who can keep up with you, to be your detail in situations like this. GL

You: You're not that old, and I won't get on with anyone except you. SH You know I don't trust anyone else. SH

Stranger: We've been together a long time, that's why you trust me. You'd find that with someone new through time. GL

You: I don't like where you're going with this. SH Are you quitting? SH

You: Are you going to guard Mycroft instead? Because that will be the ultimate betrayal. SH

Stranger: It's not like the old days, Sher. I'm not /your/ guard anymore, I have other duties too. GL

You: Like what? What else could you possibly have to do than take care of me? SH

You: You've always been mine. SH

Stranger: I co-ordinage security for the whole family, thanks very much for noticing. I miss getting to spend 14 hours a day at your side, but I need to take a step back. GL

You: Then I'll find someone else to do all that. SH Is that why you've started sending Anderson sometimes? I loathe him. SH

Stranger: You need to get used to it though. GL

Stranger: You'll still be my best friend though, that ain't going away. GL

You: I want things to go back to how they were, Greg. SH Have you not noticed how I've been acting out? I was being very obvious. SH

Stranger: What are you talking about, Sher? GL

You: Good god, you are so oblivious, Mycroft clocked it years ago. SH

Stranger: Yes, I know, I'm an idiot. I thought we established this on my first day on duty with you. GL

Stranger: So clarify it for me? GL

You: Well, since you're pissing off, I might as well tell you. No harm in it now. SH I like you. SH

Stranger: I'm not pissing off, I'll be around. GL

Stranger: And yeah, I know, and like I said, you're still going to be my number 1. GL

You: For god's sake, this is so painful. SH I like you. More than I professionally should. SH

Stranger: Sher... GL

You: Yes, I'm gay, surprise, you're the second person that knows. SH

Stranger: You're my favourite person in the world, but I'm old enough to be your dad, and I work for you. GL

Stranger: Also, not a surprise... as I said, I pick you up after your breaks for freedom, I have more than enough of an idea what goes on when you disappear. GL

You: You knew? That's reassuring, I suppose. It's only you and Mycroft, understandably I have to keep it under wraps because of the family image. I'll just suspiciously remain the bachelor prince. SH Well then, this is mortifying, and don't bother picking me up. I shan't be coming home tonight. SH

Stranger: We're almost there. Don't go running off now. GL

You: Oh no, turn around, I'll see you in a week when you've had chance to forget this encounter ever happened. SH

Stranger: We need to talk about this. It's not just going to go away. GL

You: You'll have to catch me first. SH

Stranger: It's my night off. I'd had a few beers, so had to wake up Dimmock to drive me. Between the two of us, we'll round you up in no time. GL

Stranger: Please don't make me have to though? GL

You: Dimmock? Ugh, he's an idiot. SH We definitely don't need to talk about this. It never happened, and you aren't my guard anymore, remember? I'll make my own way home just fine. SH

Stranger: It's my night off, and I was relaxing. But you asked, and I came. Don't throw that back in my face. GL

You: Fucking hell. SH [location attached] Fine. Come and get me. But only because I feel bad for you. SH

Stranger: Surely you understand, Sher? GL

You: Yes, I understand you're completely rejecting my advance. SH

Stranger: Don't be like that. GL

Stranger: I love you, you know I do. GL

You: Now you're just being cruel, come on. SH I've told you I want more. SH

Stranger: I've spent at least 14 hours a day, at least 6 days a week with you for the past 10 years. You were just 16 when I came to work for the family, and I've seen you grow up into a brilliant, beautiful, bright young man. You really are my favourite person in the world. GL

You: And you're mine. SH Just give me one night, and we'll never mention it again. SH

Stranger: I... I can't, Sher. GL

You: You can. No one will know. SH

Stranger: I really can't. One night wouldn't be enough, and anything more would be doing you an injustice.

You: Doing me an injustice? What's that supposed to mean? SH

Stranger: You're you. You're the smartest person I know, you're stunningly beautiful, and you're a literal prince. GL

Stranger: Meanwhile, I'm the hired help who's almost twice your age. GL

You: Do you think I give a shit about that? I'm never going to be 'happy' in the conventional sense. I'm not allowed to get married to the gender I wish, everything is always going to have to be kept quiet. So why can't it be what I want? I don't care about how old you are, or if you work for us. I care about you, and how you make me feel. I'm miserable when you're not around, and you always know how to make me smile. You're interesting and you're gorgeous, and I know you're not going to feel the same way, but fuck, here I am. SH

Stranger: I could lose my job, my home. I'd be sent away and then I'd lose you too. GL

Stranger: [Brb]

You: I won't let that happen. I promise. SH

You: You have to trust me, Greg. SH

Stranger: I've officially gone insane. GL

Stranger: That is the only explanation. GL

You: Now who's the drama queen? SH

Stranger: Still you. GL

You: Fair. I'll come back to yours tonight. SH

Stranger: No

Stranger: ((Sorry))

Stranger: Nope, no way. You're going to get in this car, keep your mouth shut the whole way home, go to bed, and assure me in the morning that you weren't too drunk to know what you were saying. GL

You: Oh come on, I'm basically sober! SH I've had three drinks. SH

Stranger: Don't care. Not taking that risk. GL

You: Seriously? SH

Stranger: Deadly, Sher. Im putting a ridiculous amount on the line here, I need you to be sure. GL

You: Fine, fine. You're worth waiting. SH I'll tell you exactly the same in the morning as I am now. SH

Stranger: We'll see. GL

You: We will. But, I'll keep our cover and won't say anything to you in the car ride. SH

Stranger: Good, we can't talk about this with Dimmock nearby. We will however, need to talk to Mycroft. GL

You: Oh, what? Are you joking? SH

Stranger: Unfortunately not. GL

Stranger: You said he's noticed your advances. He's going to have us worked out the second he claps eyes on us. GL

You: So? We don't have to talk to him about it. SH

Stranger: My whole life is at risk here. We need him to have our back. GL

You: Alright, we'll talk to him tomorrow, if we decide to take this further. SH

Stranger: And he's going to have to lie to your parents and tell them that you're a petulant child who demanded to have me returned to your detail. GL

You: That will be incredibly believable and he'll take great delight in making me seem immature. But Mummy will give me what I want, as she always does. SH

Stranger: And to be honest, it is factually true. GL

You: I am offended, Greg. SH

Stranger: I told you I had other duties and you told me it was unacceptable and you would find someone else to do them. GL

You: That is true. I'm possessive, you know this. SH Oh, I see your car. I'll get in and we'll act like everything is normal. SH

Stranger: Yes, best behaviour. GL

You: Then I suppose I'll talk to you tomorrow. SH

Stranger: I suppose you will. GL

You: [The next morning] I don't think Dimmock suspected a thing. SH

Stranger: I told him after we dropped you off that you were in the huff because I'd spoke to you about stepping down from your detail. Building up a backstory here. GL

Stranger: Spoken*

You: Very good thinking. SH Now do you believe I like you? I'm fully sober. SH

Stranger: I suppose so. GL

You: You suppose? What, have you changed your mind about it all now? SH

You: Because I haven't. SH

Stranger: No. No definitely not, Sher. But I'm not going to lie, a part of me was hoping that you would have. GL

You: Why would you hope that? SH

You: You're so selfless, it's actually vomit-inducing. SH

Stranger: Sorry, not sorry. GL

Stranger: It's my job to take care of you. Of course I think of you before I think of myself. GL

You: Well, I can think of a far more fun way you can take care of me. SH

You: You should come to my room today. SH

Stranger: I will. I can't wait to see you. GL

You: There's no one else beside the staff here today, and if I lock my wing, we'll have privacy. SH

Stranger: I have a few work things to do first. Duty rotas and what not. Then I'll be right there. GL

You: You'd better be. I'm waiting, and I'm not getting out of bed. SH

Stranger: I'll work quickly. GL

You: I'm waiting. SH

Stranger: You're going to be the death of me. GL

You: Oh, I plan on it. SH

Stranger: (An hour and a half later) Sorry, Sher. Your mum decided to nab me for tea. I'm on my way now. GL

Stranger: (An hour and a half later) Sorry, Sher. Your mum decided to nab me for tea. I'm on my way now. GL

You: Mm, good job I fell back asleep. What did she want? SH

Stranger: To see how you are adjusting to the changes. GL

You: What changes? SH

Stranger: Me being at your beck and call less. GL

You: And what did you say? SH

Stranger: That you keep demanding my time anyway. And that you slipped out last night unescorted. GL

You: Oh, you told her? SH

Stranger: Yeah. She's already rethinking how to use my time. GL

You: She'll be assigning you to me all day at this point. SH

Stranger: That's a good thing though. GL

You: I know. Gives us more time. SH

Stranger has disconnected.

[letmyinsideslive]

38%

nov. 27th, 2017

Here i am

here i am doing whatever i want and look how miserable i am. if anything, i have learned that we as humans, need rules, we need guidelines, we need someone to tell us what to do and what not to do. otherwise, we will end up miserable, depressed, addicted or dead. and that shit happens all. the. time.

i care about this boy. i care about him and his feelings, and its going to hard to break things off, but i know it is what is best for both of us. he cannot give me anything i want. he cant give me dates because hes #broke, he cant give me a relationship because he is #broken, he cant give me his time because he’s #stupid and #goesoutallnight. im not about it. i am so different. i want a man with a plan. not a man looking for a plan or a man so lost he doesnt know what the fuck to do with his time, so he proceeds to stay up all night drinking hanging out with friends that do NOTHING for him.

I care about this boy.

I care about this boy a lot.

i care about him because he is sweet and kind and has a good heart and has so much potential (red flag #1, boy w potential, not actually living out his potential) and he is wasting it on insecurities and doubt. i am not about it!!!!

i try my hardest to encourage him and get him to see things differently but its hard for him. and i get it, because his life has moved backwards in so many ways. ugh. here i go... i am going to tell you about his story.

he was in love

he was dating this girl for 6 years (and no marriage, interesting right.) but they lived together and then he found out during the last year of their relationship, she was cheating on him. so they broke up blah blah blah, he slept w girls, he did shit, and then he you know.. lived that broken boy sad boy life, moved back in with his parents, got in a car accident, started doing drugs, drinking every night, whatever.

So this good boy, this good kind boy, got hurt and went wild. typical right? well with me he’s not like that. and he knows it, and i know it. but i am nobody’s saving grace. and i am not here to save you from yourself and your pitiful life. i am not here to dig you out of the hole you dug yourself. no no thank you. i have enough of my own shit going own. shit, my depression is so bad its basically my best friend. and i may not be depressed anymore, but depression lives in your mind forever. there are remnants of it just sitting, festering, growing mold and weeds. depression springs up wherever it can in my brain, even though i am not depressed anymore. so trying to change my train of thought and the way i live is a constant journey and a constant battle. but it is worth it, because i am pursuing to be a better me. i know it is for the best.

so with this boy

i am trying to encourage him

but like i said

i am not going to save him. i never will. and i don’t think i am going to be here for him during this time. i will as a friend, but nothing more, because when our feelings get involved, we get involved. and there are too many feelings as is right now. we work together.. in a restaurant... he’s 26.. im 22... im in school, he’s not...

its just a recipe for disaster.

plus we never have any time to see each other because our schedules are so opposite. and thats fine, that may make things even better... help me stay away from him for a while. but i always want to be with him. i always want him there... i want to share things with him.. i want to take him places and see him smile and make him laugh.. all this dumb shit. that shouldn't matter... and here i am, typing this up when i should be studying for my finance quiz.. do you see how i am??

i am black and white.. the way i approach my life is very black and white. my mind may be filled with colors everywhere at every turn and storms behind every door but i think a lot... and it helps me funnel everything out.

other people are not like this.

other people live by the seat of their pants.. they don’t think things through. they feel and they do. i am NOT like this. with him, i knew every thing i would do with him... but there were surprises, and i felt, and i did... and i saw how everyone else lived.. and i didn’t like it.. at all.

i like thinking things through, i like thinking about every outcome, i like being aware and being smart. i don’t like being stupid and just doing things because everyone else is doing him.

i love this kid, i love him a lot. i am not in love with him, not in the slightest. but i care about him, i care about the choices he makes, and i care about the way he lives his life. but i cannot dictate what he does and i cannot save him. nor do i want to. i cannot be in a relationship with him, i cannot get what i want from him.

it is better for us to be just friends...

but it is going to be hard..

but it is what is best.

i know it.

if any of you have been in this position please let me know. share your stories, tell me how you felt..

i am so confused and this is all so hard and weird to go through. but i feel i am learning so much it is worth all of the confusion and pain. i feel like i am living, instead of observing.

i will keep you all update on me and the boy and what happens with us. i hope all of you are well and having good days/weeks/months.

xx

[infiniteuncertainty]

y

I feel like I am constantly running around constantly under pressure and constantly feeling useless. I believe I am frustrated and irritated beyond belief with my life. I think I have finally realized that I am not always happy and granted that’s ok - nobody in life is perfectly happy 100% of the time but lately I get into these funks where I just wish I could run away or be alone or start over or just be with a friend. I wish it were as simple as it used to be - to make plans with a friend. I can’t seem to do that much anymore. The fact that my mom is going through hell practically and my dog is slowly withering away - fuck this sounds depressing but this is how my life has been lately. Stressful, upsetting, and yet somehow busy. I remember when there were times I’d be home alone like I am now and I would just lay on the floor next to my dog or just pet her and hug her and play but she has grown old and lost her mobility. Basically, it’s up to us when to decide that she has to leave. Which if you’ve had to do this I’m sure you know how shitty it feels to have to make that decision. It really fucking sucks. Abby was truthfully my first pet but I knew she wasn’t going to make it much longer. The poor ol’ girl is 15 and I mean she had a surgery on her spine when she was like 7? It sucks so much because on the outside besides the mobility I mean she still will catch a toy for a little bit and thank god she still eats and drinks - but when she can’t get up to walk let alone stand for very long it just has to be miserable for her I’m sure. On top of all of this, my mom ha been having a hard time with her chemo, I believe they’ve changed her drugs like 4 times or so? She keeps getting reactions or bad side effects. Plus she’s lost most of her hair now and absolutely hates it. She hates the way she looks and is totally self-conscious about it all, no matter how many times I tell her how pretty she is, she could care less. I completely understand because I too am not happy with my own body so I’m sure if that were me I would be a complete mess and so that being said it sucks to feel completely useless in those times when she’s so upset. It breaks my heart but I hope this new drug they are putting her on goes smoothly. People literally call it the red devil - like wtf as if that’ not scary enough - it has a 2% risk of developing heart issues or leukemia over time. So she’s incredibly nervous and all I can do is wish and pray the best for her. 

Talking about all of this reminds me of how much people don’t understand what it’s like to go through any of this (unless they have experienced it). Becoming diagnosed with something like stage 1 breast cancer completely flips your world upside down. Of course it takes a toll on you physically but I dont think people realize it does just as much damage mentally - which obviously the person going through this suffers the most but it’s not like their loved ones are perfectly fine either! and I guess this has been eating away at me this entire time since she was diagnosed back in October. I’m not trying to play the pity card or ask for a pity party or whatever but there are very few people in my life that I call my friends that have truthfully asked me about how my mom is doing. And when I sit back and realize this - I imagine how if this were the other way around and it was my friend's mom I know for a fact I would be there for them and talk to them more than most have bothered for me. Now don’t get me wrong - there are a select few, like literally I could count on one hand, that have and I thank god that they exist or I would probably feel like complete shit 24/7. It just hurts. It hurts to know that because I had finally put my foot down and told myself to stop being that person that always reaches out because ya know what - for once it would be nice if someone reached out to me, and then to see the people who I thought were my close friends to not really say much - really fucking blows. I miss my friends. I miss having friends is how it really feels. I hate that everyone just assumes that I’m totally fine. UPDATE: I’m not. and haven’t been for a while. I miss them a lot but I keep telling myself to not bother contacting them because what is the point? it’s not like I can go meet them. I am stuck in my house. There are days I don’t mind this and there are days I want to get the fuck out. But I can’t. 

On another note - my father has turned into a real jerk. LITERALLy have not even spoken to him on the phone since our whole traveling experience where we argued the drive there AND back. I can’t stand his stubbornness and selfishness anymore. He was constantly on my as bout getting a job and how it’s gonna be a year since I graduated and how sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do in life. NOW - all of that being said yeah I know he’s not wrong but also he isn’t 100% right either. He literally has no fuckng clue as to what it is like to live here. He just thinks I’m sitting around not trying to do anything with my life because I live with my mom and darren and gmah. I had gotten so sick of having that argument with him in the car having to explain to him “what I’m doing to be so busy” everyday. I told him that he’d be the first to know when I got a job but that wasn’t enough. He questioned me bout why not take a train or uber to a job - GEE IDK MAYBE BC I DON’T WANT TO. I get incredibly anxious when taking public transportation ESPECIALLY to new places and I hate relying on it bc I’ve been late to school so many fucking times I don’t really want to stress about it - it honestly would just be really nice to have my own car so I could have my own actual life and maybe idk go see a friend or go to wherever the fuck i want to go. He still cant manage to help me out with that one - but besides all of that bullshit - IT’D BE NICE IF YOU AND LIBBY COULD HAVE THE DECENCY TO ASK HOW MOM IS DOING. THAT IS WHAT IM EXTREMELY UPSET ABOUT and why I haven’t bothered to call him since he dropped me off March 26th. I made that very clear to him in the car - he always tells me how I can call him up anytime to talk but really he made the point to say I only cal him when I need something or he doesn’t understand how I am busy when he calls me I’m either cleaning or going to the store.. yes dad that is all i ever fuking do. NO NO I don’t call you up just to talk because a.) you either talk all about your business the whole damn time b.) whatever I tell you isn’t good enough obviously sorry if I’m not busy enough. SO I’m sure he hasn’t called me because he’s gonna play it off to be he was waiting on me but HA YEAH I WASNT KIDDING. so here I am. What especially pisses me off is the way Libby has literally the entire fucking time said NOTHING to me about like oh hope your moms okay or how she doing or how are you. Like honestly if this whole situation was flipped we sure as hell would show more concern that you heartless assholes. ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT BE STAYING AT YOUR PLACE ANYTIME SOON. THANKS FOR MAKING ME FEEL LIKE YOU REALLY COULD CARE LESS. 

UGH Now I’m just irritated with everything. I’m trying to vent as much as I possibly can because its been a hot minute and like I said I dont get to see many friends to do this with. Sooooo I resort to my good ol’ tumblr to type up a fucking ranty novel for nobody to read. *thumbs up emojii* lmao If you have read this far - I hope you are at least having a good day♥ 

[falselovefakeaffections]

Bury My Heart Six Feet Under, Throw Us A Funeral

It’s been so long. I still feel like shit. Life’s been good to you and I should just keep it that way/Letting you in was a fucking mistake. Look what you did, again. You probably didn’t want to anymore for whatever reasons and I should just stop being pathetic. How I wished you and her were in another place, maybe then I can finally breathe/I’ve been crying every fucking day and night, it feels like nothing has changed. Every time you touch her I hope you remember how you broke me and that it makes you sick. YOU DIDNT DESERVE TO KNOW ME LIKE THAT. You’re texting her every fucking minute of the day and you still deny that you’re not together. Fucking unbelievable. All lies fucking lies./Stop letting her make use of you please. How pathetic do you want to be. You were doing the same exact thing when she left. You’ll only be miserable with her in your life. Stop fucking doing this./Honestly feel so stupid. Please just save me, God. I’m begging you. I’ll stop and give up anything just to not hurt over her ever again in my life./Everything changed. We never feel excited talking to each other anymore. We never jump to reply each other anymore. And, I’m also very very tired of having you control my emotions all the damn time./It’s all an act. Isn’t it? You threw away everything and the last time I did that or someone did that, that was the end. Well, I guess the only thing you’ll ever keep are the things from her. You printed it out, sticked it on your wall, put it on your phone, it’s everywhere. FUCKING HATE BEING HERE BECAUSE OF YOU. YOU KNOW HOW PAINFUL IT IS TO HAVE YOUR HOME COMPLETELY TORN APART? I HAD NOTHING AND NO ONE. WHILE YOU WERE ENJOYING LIFE WITH HER, GOING TO PLACES, HOLDING HANDS (OR SO YOU WISHED AND MORE). WAS SHE RICHER THAN ME? SHE HAD HER OWN CAR AND I DIDNT? SHE COULD REPLY YOU 24/7 AND I COULDNT BECAUSE OF THE TIME DIFFERENCE SO YOU DECIDED IT WAS BEST TO BREAK UP AND GET TOGETHER WITH HER BECAUSE SHE’S ALWAYS THERE? WAS IT BECAUSE SHE’S OLDER THAN I AM? WAS IT BECAUSE SHE GAVE YOU THINGS AND MADE YOU FEEL THINGS I DIDNT? It’s all just anger and tiredness. Everyone asks me, am I not tired caring about you and repeating the same old shit over and over again. Truth is, I’m so fucking tired. If not having you in my life meant that ALL the pain would be taken away, FUCK YES I WOULD CHOOSE THAT ANY DAY. But the fact of the matter is that it doesn’t. When you’re not in my life I feel like shit too. So tell me what I should do????? Fucking help me someone, any one. You say I’m important but shit I’m not. All you ever want to do is to text her and you said that you two aren’t together. THEN JUST BE TOGETHER ALREADY? Fuck it’s only a matter of time. And of course, like always, you’ll hide it from me. I have SO many questions, and you said you can’t do it anymore. Of course you can’t. Because you’re not the one left to nurse your broken heart. You’re not the one watching the person you love love someone else. You’re not the one miserable everyday because of this. YOU’RE MISERABLE ABOUT STUDIES. AND MAYBE THE FACT THAT YOU TWO WONT/CANT BE TOGETHER? BUT YOU’RE DEFINITELY NOT MISERABLE BECAUSE OF ME. Sad maybe, but definitely not miserable. This is so stupid because I have no one to rant to and I’m just talking to myself./I still don’t intend to throw away everything. I don’t know why but I just don’t. Whatever. I don’t know why you still want to keep in contact with me? Wouldn’t it be so easy if I were just out of your life? 1) I’m sure your SO wouldn’t like it if I’m in your life 2) Even if she’s okay with it, I don’t think she would like it if we talk everyday. Oh right, you don’t talk to me everyday! You only talk to me when you feel like it. When….she’s not replying you? Or when you’ve got no one to talk to? Isn’t she always talking to you though. SO WHY THE FUCK DO YOU NEED ME? She was in your life not long before you broke up with me. Because she could text you everyday and be there for you???? SO WHAT FUCKING ROLE DO I EVEN PLAY IN YOUR LIFE. You don’t tell me anything, and I’m supposed to…..talk to you about???? How life is? How the weather is? Because you obviously don’t need me to talk about anything more than that. So if you just want to talk about how life is then why not talk to her????? You can discuss my life with her for all I care. You say I don’t trust you anymore, yes I don’t. But if you open up I could? Don’t you see that it’s a cycle. I let down my guard for you, thinking that you would do the same. BUT WHAT DO I GET? Silence. I asked for your POV many times because I know I never cared about anyone’s last time. And I’ve changed. But you know what, if you don’t want to say anything, I can’t force you to either. Just please, if anyone asks, don’t tell them I didn’t try. Tell them the truth, that you weren’t ready to open up to me, and you never will be. Because that’s only fair to me. But if you choose not to do that, then God knows why I felt miserable for so many fucking years. If you’re feeling sad about me, just use her to get over it. Like how you got over me, and us. I HONESTLY DONT KNOW WHAT I CAN FUCKING DO HELP. You don’t get to get together with the girl who broke us and still be “good friends” with me. What do you want from our friendship? What role do I even play in your life? FFS YOU ALREADY HAVE PEOPLE TO TELL EVERYTHING TO. YOU HAVE SOMEONE TO LOVE AND WHO LOVES YOU BACK. IF YOU AND HER FIGHT, YOU HAVE SOMEONE ELSE YOU TELL, SOMEONE ELSE TO LISTEN TO YOUR PROBLEMS. YOU DONT NEED ME AT ALL. And I know that the day I realised you threw everything away, like how you threw us away. I meant nothing, and I will always mean nothing. You replaced everything I gave you with everything she made/bought for you. You’re practically living with her. All her things are inside. And you expect me to believe that there’s nothing going on. If I really did believe that, I would be really so damn thick in the head and just plain stupid./I don’t get how she can text you 24/7. Doesn’t she have to work? Isn’t she busy with something else?? Or maybe she’s too rich that she doesn’t have to work?/I swore to myself now that I’m back to never ever go to your room again. She’s basically in your room. When I look at you, I just think of you and her. I don’t even know when I can look at you and see you. It’s all you and her, on everything. From your things, to your actions. You say you’re not together with her but in time you will. I may not know you anymore, but some things stay the same- how you treat the people you love. Maybe you’re scared of relationships but I’m sure she’s enough. I’m sure that one day you’ll be together with her. And I won’t be there to see that because never in this life will I accept that decision that you made./Just because I still have feelings for you does not give you the right to treat me like shit ok?? And it does not mean that I will accept shit from you. Don’t TELL me that you care, SHOW me that you do. Then again, not sure if you’ll bother showing because you’ll never open up to me again so there is honestly no fucking point for me to be in your life. Since you see no need to defend yourself or fight for whatever we have remaining, I shouldn’t even try opening up because it’ll just come back to fuck me up somehow. Tell them about how I leave all the time, whatever. But please, just spare a thought for me and how I fucking tried opening up when the least you could was at least try. IM SO FUCKING TIRED./Hope is the only thing that kills. And you gave me that, for the longest time I knew you. But with us, it just doesn’t exist. There is literally no hope. And you still keep lying to me that there is when we both know there isn’t. Just go live your life with her. With her, you got over me. Which is something you thought you couldn’t do. So I’m sure with her you’ll be happy too./She tries so hard. Makes so many things for you. I never did that when I first knew you or when we first got together. And maybe that’s why we failed lol. I will always have a soft spot for you and it fucking sucks like shit. You know that since years ago when we were close friends. I wouldn’t know the pain/hurt you go through or the happiness you feel when something good happens. It isn’t my prerogative to know such in depth things about you anymore. Because you already have someone who does that for you. You have someone who is unwavering and who is there for you 24/7- something I can’t do simply due to distance. And because of that you decided that is isn’t wise to open up anymore then fine. You don’t only have her, you have so many other people in your life that you can tell. I can tell you for a fact that even though the two of you aren’t together, you guys will definitely be together in the future./I don’t even make you happy. When I’m with you you’re just indifferent. The same thing happened to my friend. She said she would never ever forgive him and that even if they meet by chance, she would just pretend he doesn’t exist. So tell me why do I even fking bother giving you so many chances after you’ve clearly shown zero interest. You already have people to text you 24/7, to tell everything to when last time I was the rare few. There’s nothing that she doesn’t know that I do. If you can’t wait to get together with her but just feel guilty for doing it because you’re scared that I would find out, I’m telling you to just do it. You just keep bringing disappointment to a whole new level that I honestly don’t feel disappointed by you anymore. You can throw away everything (something I thought you’d never do because you’re so sentimental) but turns out, those few years meant trash to you. I don’t even think I have anything to say to you anymore besides, congratulations on your soon to be rs and thank you for treating whatever we have/had like trash./I know with you, I’m just another person you tried too hard for. I expect us to be like we were before, or I want it to be like it was before. But we will never get that again. The old you is dead for so fucking long, I finally get that now. It’s in your words and actions, every bit of it. If you say you’re essentially the same, then maybe it’s only me receiving such treatment from you (but I’m not surprised. We were nothing to you since you created new memories with new people.)/I’m not like you I don’t have people to text me 24/7. You said all you want from me is for me to be okay again. Are you even kidding. You know the reason why I’m feeling like shit. I’m asking you to try but you just don’t???? Fuck it. Just move out of here with her. Go travel for the next 10 years with her so I can finally have some peace./Too busy for me as expected. Stupid of me to even think that we had a chance. Call me the world’s biggest fool./Clearly you have more important things to do and more important people to talk to. ALWAYS feel like I’m disturbing you. So forget it./Haven’t I suffered long enough?? How long more do I have to do this. You don’t even need to see me when I’m back. All you need is her. Even when you’re with me all you can seem to do is look at your phone and smile at her texts. Enough is fucking enough. Stop lying to me when she’s all you’ll ever need and want. If you’re miserable it’s because you can’t be together with her, you can’t marry her. It’s not about me and it will never be./You meet her all the time but I bet when you’re with her you never check your phone right? Because why check when the love of your life is right in front of you? Or maybe she has priority over everybody and you would do anything for her that’s why there is absolutely no need for you to check your phone when you’re with her. And when you reach home you go back to texting her the whole time again. It’s only with her that you never check your phone. To me that’s damn rude but then again, anything for her isn’t it./This is a cry for help: And now I’m starting to think that your love was a lie, that maybe everything was a lie. Maybe when you were with me all you thought about was her. And that you couldn’t get her so you came to me instead. Was it because I was always there? Was it because you knew I would take you back every time? Was it because I always had a soft spot for you? I swear if I think about this for one more day I might just become insane. Being pushed to the brink of insanity because of all the self doubt. I thought I wouldn’t have to feel inferior for the rest of life anymore after having to feel it for 4 fucking years. But I guess it somehow wasn’t done with me. To your ghost and whoever you are now, just let me go already please. What more do you want. For me to plead insanity before you can stop this? For me to just die so that you can live happily ever after? Just stop please I’m begging you. You can do whatever you want, get together with whoever you want. Just don’t put me through this anymore./I don’t understand why you still have to lie to me. Is telling the truth so hard? If you don’t want to look bad in front of me then you should just save it because lying only makes things worse and makes me not trust you. You say you don’t know what to do to regain my trust but you don’t care either. You don’t bother to try to gain back my trust. All you need is her to tell all your feelings about me to. Maybe it works this way now. Telling the person who’s making you feel like that doesn’t help but telling someone else does. What can she do for you? Give you emotional solace? Give you hugs and kisses to make you feel better? One day you won’t feel anything anymore and it wouldn’t come as a surprise to me./I do things with you in mind but it all just turns out to be a joke./So insignificant to you. When can I ever be significant? Probably never lol./Back the second time and if meeting you means having you look at your phone every minute for her text and replying her text then I’d rather not be there.

Don’t know when I started writing this but it has been so long I’m glad it’s done. This is it.