#im feeling some aches and pains I shouldnt be at my age

[lena-in-a-red-dress]

It's official. I'm comitting to it.

I've decided to listen to Islands of Mercy while on the treadmill.

I absolutely abhor running, especially on a treadmill, but I'm hoping that I'll want to listen enough that it will make me excited to go to them gym more regularly and with less mental resistance.

I'd resisted listening on the treadmill bc I didn't want to associate one of KMG's projects with something so awful, but I'm desperate to motivate myself. The rule is that I can listen ONLY while on the treadmill.

Wish me luck.

[iceglade]

i made a thread on twitter about this but i've been thinking about vanilla vs royal i cant handle how happy i am that royal has made ppl like akechi more, not just for "hes hot" reasons bc ppl love that but winning over reddit* folks who dislike many fanon takes for being too wooby,

not that i particularly care for Wooby bc ive been in fandom for ages and i like seeing ppl happy - i know theres a certain degree of allowance when it comes to twisting canon characterization for content, because you're the content creator, its in your hands and cmon- 

but especially with royal i think akechi's serious edge "won over a lot of people" who can now respect him for how he approached refusing the dream world, i think thats something they can understand and appreciate - ESPECIALLY when a lot of ppl's beef with vanilla akechi was "daddy doesnt love me boo hoo" which is a GROSS misunderstanding/simplification of his EXTREMELY complex character, which was barely covered or etc bc of vanilla's horrid writing -- over all! its not JUST him - BUT, royal provided such a good opportunity to show off akechi's character, through giving him more screentime and VERY IMPORTANTLY: Plot Relevance like how, say mementos mission shows off joker's need to be helpful bc hes a deep-feeling person, or scramble showing off haru and makoto and the other thieves by drawing them against the new characters to compare and contrast and give them Time to BE, - royal gave akechi time to recover from the frankly AWFUL vanilla narrative decision to shoot and shove him off like chopped liver and never mention him again, so that many ppl's impression of akechi goro was of an incomprehensible, annoying character who blew up and then acted like he dont knowww know bodaay haghnaghnahgna   

i joke but SERIOUSLY a bad first AND last impression, REALLY... 

ahh. im just surprised !! every time someone says they like him or that they disliked him earlier but dont post-royal or etc etc it always takes me by surprise even after all this time !! it makes me very happy -though even as i focus on how happy i am that people like his character, even streamers talking about his ass (what ass... ... cindy thats bone) or etc-  i shouldnt, but i still count it as a sort of win because my standards are so low ;-;.. i dont like sexualizing characters (of any gender or sexuality, dont worry ^-^'') but the point of it all is that the amount of stannery is .. stunning i think, from all ends of the fandom, when i think about how nervous vanilla felt to me. if im wording this all right.

-- that being said. obviously there are ppl who still dont like him, VEHEMENTLY, and everyone gets so passionate about him and everything that tension and fights erupt very very quickly - it makes me wonder what about royal didnt hit with them, but hit with other people, in a Genuinely Curious kind of way. not that im not suuper passionate about goroboying, because, i am !! royal makes me very happy and i stay out of fights as best as i can because i know, ACUTELY, how PAINFUL it is to have a hyperfixation broken. nauseous furious shaking heart aching - its heartbreak !! i'd rather die before i inflicted a pain like that on someone. + id rather remember something for the love i felt for it than the harm.

(though while i'm here, people who were in the "# p5r spoilers" tag remember what happened a little while ago shortly after royal jpn came out , though that's for a whole other post about the fascinating history/sociology of that particular event, 👁✨)

- its not about me having to choose between a lesser of two evils. thats not my point

no matter how intensely my heart is in it, i want to be able to say that you can feel how you feel about characters, though any misinformation sits badly with me in hyperfixation hell. funnily enough, while back on the topic of Agency, which goro is in some dire need of - which may be the root of why so many femme-presenting folk or lesbians are fond of him, + respecting women + sex workers + etc GORO AKECHI CAN BE SOMEONE SO PERSONAL ACTUALLY-

* - oh, backreading my own post - i didnt mean to specify redditors as if they're the only ppl i'm talking about, but it was the first to come to mind ; i'm just thinking a lot about how it seems like people really like the light royal was able to display him in, both as a delightfully entertaining UNHINGED EDGELORD and a very focused, goal-oriented, respectable ally, to the point that people are MUCH more open about how much they love him nowadays, which does bring me no end of joy - its no surprise that the new appreciation, as well as atlus ... highlighting ..... aspects ...... of blask ...... and the new content, of course the fandom treats him like this, - thats fandom. this is how people do i suppose. from a witness' viewpoint. hdngngm

i see all i know all 👁 i will keep all of my opinions right here and then one day i will die. but. i'll be honest. despite everything. im actually really happy.

[sariasprincy-writes]

Hollow Point 19

One // Two // Three // Four // Five // Six // Seven // Eight // Nine // Ten // Eleven // Twelve // Thirteen // Fourteen // Fifteen // Sixteen // Seventeen // Eighteen // Nineteen (here) 

Chapter Nineteen The blank edges of a map

Itachi wasn’t there when Sakura arrived. He hadn’t replied to her text two days ago, but she wasn’t too concerned. He had never disappointed her before.

She waited for him just inside the mouth of the alley, between the club and an old restaurant that had closed down some time ago. She was but a shadow, dressed in all black from her boots to her jeans and leather jacket as she leaned against the wall that separated her from the club. The music reverberated against her spine.

She didn’t have to wait long. Less than ten minutes later, Sakura heard the faint tap of footsteps down the opposite end of the alley. “You look nice,” Itachi said. “Is it my birthday?”

Sakura bit back her smirk as she looked up at him. He was dressed well in a pair of dark jeans and a dark blue button up shirt. He had rolled the sleeves up to his forearms. A mix of formal and casual wear. Good. She needed him to look his best tonight.

Pushing off the wall, Sakura stepped towards him, giving him a careful onceover. She straightened his collar a little and brushed his bangs out of his face before she smiled in return. “Feels like it’s my birthday.”

Itachi’s smile briefly widened before he peered out into the street where party-goers were all funneling towards the small entrance of the large building. “What are we doing here?”

“I need to have a talk with an old friend,” she told him, following his gaze. “You might know her. Here, she’s known as Sekhmet.”

“The Goddess of Power.”

Sakura nodded, somewhat surprised he recognized the name. “If there’s any movement of anything in or out of Egypt, she knows.”

“And you want to know more about that port in New York,” Itachi concluded. When she nodded, his brow furrowed. “So why do you need me here?”

“I can’t go in alone,” she told him. When Itachi shot her a questioning look, she sighed, “I…may have killed her brother.”

In an instant, all playfulness dropped from his expression. He shot her an incredulous look, as if still trying to figure out if she was completely or only mostly out of her mind. Not that she could entirely blame him. This was almost the dumbest thing she had ever done.

“It’s complicated,” Sakura said when Itachi continued looking at her like he was waiting for an explanation.

He huffed a humorless laugh through his nose. “And what makes you think you can walk in there without her killing you?”

Looking away from the crowd, she turned to face him fully. “You.”

Itachi’s brows furrowed. “Me?” he repeated.

She nodded, slipping her hands into the pockets of her jacket. “Temari only mostly hates me so I’ll at least be able to get one, maybe two words in before she goes for her gun. And she loves pretty boys.”

“So, I’m here to flirt with her,” he said, his voice flat.

“Don’t worry. She won’t do anything to you. Maybe.” When Itachi continued to just stare, she brushed a piece of invisible lint off his shirt with a small smile. “Just play along. You’re CIA. I figured you would be good as this by now.”

Itachi looked like he had more to say but she didn’t give him the chance as she finally moved forward to blend into the crowd. She didn’t have to look back to know he was following, feeling his hand wrap around the inside of her elbow so they didn’t get separated.

At the door, Sakura smiled at the bouncers and whispered the right words to get in. They eyed her skeptically but didn’t question her. Merely unhooked the red rope to let her and Itachi pass.  

Inside, the club was pounding. Literally. Heavy beats rattled her bones and made the floor quake beneath her feet. Bright, flashing lights flickered overhead, enticing those standing on the sidelines to join the party.

Normally, Sakura would have loved to get lost in the deep bass and the semi-darkness where no one knew her name. Now, it only made it harder to concentrate, harder to think.

With Itachi still on her arm, Sakura weaved through the throng of girls in short dresses. Many clung to guys with wandering eyes who didn’t even know their names. She stopped just outside the main dancefloor to gaze purposefully about the club.

Beside her, Itachi’s hand tightened on her arm. She glanced at him and followed his gaze to a group of men that were eyeing her. She ignored them.

“Don’t worry about them,” she told him. “These are just civilians.” Then she nodded towards a door upstairs in a tucked away corner of the room. “Up there is who we have to worry about.”

Over the pounding music, Itachi didn’t bother trying to reply. He merely followed her up the narrow, nearly invisible stairs in the back and down the hall where four large bouncers were guarding the door. They all wore black t-shirts, their biceps nearly bursting the stitching in the arms and their tattoos out on display for all to see.

The closest one barely took one look at her before turning to Itachi. “You and your lady friend are going the wrong way. Party is downstairs.”

Unfazed, Itachi jerked his chin towards the mass of bodies swaying on the dancefloor. “That’s not the type of party we’re looking for. Our tastes are for something a little more private. Perhaps Sekhmet has enough room for two more. Two more with money to spare.”

The man’s eyes narrowed at that name. He eyed the pair of them again and seemed to think before he looked back at his companions and nodded once. His silent permission that they were granted access.

Sakura briefly glanced at Itachi as they slipped through the door. He returned her stare with a faint smirk. He was better at this than she thought.

The guard closed the door behind them as they slipped into a hall, muting the loud music below. She and Itachi followed it until they reached a shimmering, silk curtain. Beyond it led to a large room. There was a dozen or so people in the room, the clinking of their crystal glasses and murmured conversation floating up into the high ceiling. More silk hung from above in shades of the richest purples and deepest reds. The rest of the space was accentuated in sparkling golds, the colors all blending together to give a warmth to the otherwise colorless room.

Towards the middle of the room, four pillars of marble stamped a wide square onto the white tiles. Just inside that, the floor sunk down where a chaise lounge sofa sat. That was where Temari lounged.

She sat like a queen of the ages with her blonde hair tied back, exposing her long neck and accentuating the gold, stringed head piece along her forehead and atop the crown of her head. Her eyeliner was winged and sharp, drawing attention to her almond-shaped eyes. She was dressed in long flowing, harem pants and a shirt of the smoothest silk, her feet bare and decorated with intricate henna.

On either side of her, Temari kept company with a pair of young boys. Likely barely twenty. Not that that was surprising. Sakura remembered the blonde always went for the younger ones.

Temari looked up when Itachi entered. She eyed him curiously, giving him a long onceover as a playful smile formed on her lips. It fell the instant she spotted Sakura a pace behind him.

Like a candle dying in the wind, all warmth drained from Temari’s features. She didn’t spare another word to the boys beside her as she rose from her throne of plush pillows. Her face was hard as she approached, her expression carved from stone. “You have some nerve showing up here.”

Sakura and Itachi stopped a pace from where the floor dropped down. “Temari, I-“

That was all Sakura got out before Temari’s fist connected with her face. The crack of her knuckles echoed throughout the room. Sakura grimaced but made no move to defend herself or retaliate. She had expected worse. Beside her, Itachi tensed but remained still as the rest of the room fell silent.

“Give me one reason why I shouldn’t shoot you where you stand,” Temari demanded.

Trying to hide how much her jaw ached, Sakura looked up at the blonde. It didn’t escape her notice the guards in the corners of the room had reached into the inside pockets of their tailored suits. Hands likely around concealed weapons.

“You and I both know I did everyone a favor by killing Gaara,” Sakura said unapologetically. “He was a terrorist. In every sense of the word.”

When Temari’s eyes narrowed, Sakura took a step forward before she could cock her fist again, closing the space between them until she could whisper just loud enough for Temari to hear. “Don’t forget that I was the one who stopped him from strangling you that night.”

The blonde didn’t immediately move, the both of them remembering that cold, winter night. Her wheezing, hollow gasps while Sakura pleaded with Gaara to release his only sister.

This time when Sakura met Temari’s gaze, the anger and hate was replaced with something painful, something she was unable to describe. “He was my brother,” Temari murmured so quietly Sakura nearly missed the hurt in her voice.

Sakura swallowed thickly, trying to push down the sudden knot of sympathy that had balled in her chest. “I know.”

The next time Temari blinked her vulnerability was gone and in its place was her usual, cool frostiness. “So, what are you doing here? It’s not like you to apologize for anything so you must want something from me.”

With the thick tension broken, the soft conversation on the outskirts of the room resumed. Sakura tried to hide her smile at Temari’s perception, tried to hide how much her jaw ached. If there was one thing she learned from Gaara, it was how to throw a punch.

“We need some information,” Itachi stepped forward, speaking for the first time.

Temari pulled her gaze from Sakura to study him. She said nothing for a long moment before she extended her hand to him. And just as Sakura had hoped, Itachi accepted it.

“Information on what exactly?” Temari asked.

She led him towards the lounge chair she had been resting on when they arrived, wordlessly waving the pair of boys away. They made themselves scarce without a word. With them gone, Temari made herself comfortable upon the cushions, ensuring Itachi seated himself close by.

“Shipments out of Cairo and into the States,” Itachi said, turning to face Temari completely. “Specifically, into New York City.”

It didn’t escape Sakura’s notice Temari had purposely left no room for her to join. She resisted the urge to sigh at her antics as she stopped beside them. Still standing.

Temari arched her brow at Itachi. “Shipments of what?”

“Guns, drugs, the usual,” he listed.

When the blonde hummed thoughtfully, Sakura added, “It looks like Akatsuki, but a reliable source doesn’t think so.”

Temari peered up at her, the gold in her hair sparkling. “I’ve heard of the port. A shipment left here a few weeks ago to head into New York. I had assumed it was you so I didn’t look at it too hard,” she said. Then her gaze returned to Itachi. “If you want more information, I can look into it and let you know what I find.”

Itachi smiled. “We would appreciate it.”

Temari returned his smile for one of her own before it fell with a glance at Sakura. “You know I require payment first.”

“If you can find out who is using the port in New York, I’ll pay you one hundred million pounds,” Sakura told her.

The blonde arched her brow in surprise at the high price, the question obvious on the tip of her tongue. In never came. Instead, she pretended to think. Her gaze studying Sakura before turning back to Itachi. The start of a cunning smile on her lips. “One hundred million pounds. And I get to keep pretty boy.”

Itachi turned to look at Sakura at that. She couldn’t help but smile as she read the look in his eyes. “Pretty boy is mine,” she said, redirecting her attention to Temari. “Take the money or leave it.”

The older woman eyed Itachi for a moment longer before she sighed. “Fine,” she waved him away. “Wire the money to me by tomorrow or there’s no deal.”

With their business concluded, Sakura left with Itachi in tow, much to the pout of Temari. They headed back out the way they came, weaving their way through the party-goers still dancing and drinking downstairs.

The fresh air outside was a welcomed relief from the sticky heat of the crowded club. Although heavy. Like rain was threatening to fall.

Sakura inhaled deeply, wincing when her jaw ached. She rubbed the sore spot briefly, her fingers pressing along the skin just enough to determine that she would in fact have a bruise. At least Temari had played nice. Mostly.

Itachi was already watching her when Sakura looked at him. She dropped her hand, realizing she was still massaging her abused face.

“I’m hungry,” Itachi said before she could speak. “We should get something to eat.”

And that was how Sakura found herself at some American diner on the corner. It was a few streets back from the more touristy areas and a little tucked away. At this hour, they were the only customers. The older crowd already retired to bed and the younger ones still drinking in the clubs.

They ordered nachos before the waitress collected their menus and disappeared into the back. Even alone, they didn’t speak. Itachi watched Sakura over his coffee mug. Her phone sat on the table between them. Face up but silent. Only the screen lighting up every so often to indicate she had a new message.

Each time, Itachi glanced at her. She didn't touch it. Instead her gaze lingered elsewhere. The streamers hanging from the ceiling of the restaurant as they spun slowly, the steam rising from his coffee mug, the fall of the rain outside as it dripped down the window. She stared at all these things with rapt attention. As if she saw some deeper meaning in the little things.

Itachi just watched her, her earlier words playing over in his head. ‘Pretty boy is mine.’ He knew she had meant it as a power play against Temari, but that single statement had stirred something deep in his chest.

It stirred again now as he observed her. Eyeing the way she ran the back of her fingers against her jaw. It had to ache from the force behind Temari’s blow, but Sakura didn’t show any signs of discomfort. She had acted like it hadn’t even hurt at the time.

It was some minutes before Sakura noticed his stare. She cocked her brow. The same look she always gave when she caught him staring.

“You haven't spoken since we left Temari's,” he said, finally breaking the silence.

She said nothing for a minute more as a frown settled over her features. She sank back against the back of the booth heavily. “Some dots are beginning to connect that worry me,” Sakura said quietly.

Itachi’s brow furrowed. “With Akatsuki?”

She nodded, crossing her arms loosely over her chest. “Our meeting with Kisame is making me think Akatsuki is growing faster than we think.”

“Because he didn’t know about the port in New York?” he asked. When she said nothing, Itachi frowned. “Are you certain that shipment was even Akatsuki’s and not another group? There’s more illegal product moving in and out of America than there has been in years. It’s possible someone else-”

“I saw the port myself,” Sakura interrupted, her tone not unkind but unyielding. “It’s Akatsuki. And the fact Kisame doesn’t know might mean he’s been compromised or Pein has another arms supplier.”

Itachi was quiet for a long moment as he considered her words, a deep frown etched into the corners of his mouth. It was a minute before he spoke again, “Let’s wait to see what Temari says before we jump to any conclusions.”

Over the table, Sakura met Itachi’s gaze. He seemed to be pleading with her, as if trying to convince her to give Kisame the benefit of the doubt. She supposed she didn’t have any proof of her claims yet. Only a churning in her stomach that made her uneasy.

Eventually she nodded. A small smile caressed the corner of Itachi’s mouth before it disappeared behind his coffee mug. Sakura studied him, finding that she liked watching him. Noticing the little things. Like the way his shoulders filled his shirt, how he held his coffee mug from the side and not the handle. How his expression changed minutely when he looked up again and caught her stare.

“What is it?” he asked.

She didn’t understand his question until she realized her smile had dwindled into a frown. “There’s something else,” she began slowly. “Do you remember the payments Shisui found? The ones Hashirama was providing Madara.”

“You found out what the payments are for.”

Sakura inclined her head. “Hashirama is paying Madara to watch me.”

Itachi stilled, his gaze briefly flickering out the window as if he expected to find some shadow staring back at them across the street. “You don’t think he knows about us?”

“No. If he did, he would have taken me out by now,” she told him, unfazed by the thought. “I think Hashirama is expecting me to turn against him though.”

“Why would he think that?”

“Probably because I came to work for him as a favor from my adopted mother. And she loathes him.”

A look of confusion passed Itachi’s face as Sakura rested her chin on her palm. She could still recall the arguments they used to get into. At least she assumed they were. She could only hear Tsunade’s side of the conversation, but the hushed, angry whispers and abrupt ends led her to believe that things between her mother and Hashirama had slowly deteriorated over time.

“She never told me much about their relationship,” Sakura continued. “But I think Hashirama started shorting her on payments. I think that’s why Tsunade finally cut ties with him and left me in charge so she could move on.”

“So that’s where you got the name Tsunade from,” Itachi murmured. When Sakura shot him a puzzled look, he explained, “There’s not a lot known about you, even with Mossad and the CIA after you. We know that you were born in the States and raised in Israel, but other than that your file is pretty much full of guessed information. For a while, many of us believed you were multiple people. I guess we were half-right in that regard.”

Sakura drank from her water glass as she considered Itachi. Caught with the sudden urge to tell him more but not wanting to give too much away. She thought about her next words carefully. “I was born in the States, but I was moved to Russia before I turned one,” she told him. “I stayed there until I was six when Hashirama found me and brought me to his niece, Tsunade.”

“Your adopted mother,” Itachi said, connecting the dots. “So, she took you and raised you.”

“More like trained me,” Sakura corrected. “She was less nurturing and more interested in teaching me her trade. How to conceal a weapon, how to steal. How to lie.”

Itachi frowned, like he was pitying her. She half expected him to apologize for her poor childhood. To her relief, he didn’t, “You have the widest range of connections of any criminal I’ve ever tracked. You must have moved around a lot.”

Warmth flushed through Sakura at his compliment. She tried to push it away as she drank from her water glass. Instead recalling all the homes, all the cities they had jumped around. Never staying in one place for too long. Just long enough to establish contacts or create connections before moving on.

Itachi sipped his coffee as he considered what she had just told him. When he lowered it, he eyed her again. “Is Sakura even your real name?”

Sakura didn’t immediately reply. Not because she didn’t want to tell him, but because she didn’t know for certain herself. She had never known her birth name – or if she had even been given one. She knew they had called her something else in that cold orphanage, but that name had long since faded from her memory.

In the end, Sakura merely shrugged. “It’s the one I like.”

Their food arrived after that. They talked about insignificant things as they picked through the large pile of nachos for the perfect chip. She couldn’t help her smile when Itachi peeled off his jalapenos and nearly horded the little cups of sour cream and guacamole their waitress had provided. Sakura let him, not too picky with what she ate.

By the time they finished, the little diner was closing for the night. The waitress locked the door behind them and turned the outside light off, casting them into semi-darkness. She and Itachi paused under the front awning, observing the rain that fell just beyond.

It was a few blocks to her hotel. Sakura would undoubtedly be soaked by the time she got there. Perhaps she should have checked the weather before she left, but Temari had been her only thought when she had slipped out earlier that evening.

When Sakura turned back to Itachi, she saw he was already watching her. That same look in his eyes she recognized but still couldn’t quite place. She frowned. “Why do you look at me like that?”

He was quiet a moment. Then said, “Because I like the way you look at the world.”

“As a tool to be used?” she asked sarcastically, trying to distract from the way her heart was suddenly thumping in her chest.

Itachi merely shook his head, the start of a smile tugged on the corner of his lips. “As something to be looked at.”

Sakura held his gaze for a moment before she looked away, feeling her cheeks flush with embarrassment. She fidgeted with her jacket, pulling her collar tighter around her neck and drawing the zipper higher. When her face cooled, she looked back at Itachi only to find he was still smiling.

She frowned in defense. “Are you flirting with me, Agent Uchiha?”

“Would you be so opposed to it?” he asked in return.

For some reason that made her pause. For she could recall saying the very same thing to him those months ago. The only difference now was she got the feeling he wasn’t completely teasing.

She swallowed, suddenly unsure how to respond.

Itachi saved her from her own embarrassment by taking a single step back, a knowing look entering his gaze. “I’ll be in touch. Have a good night, Sakura,” he murmured, her name rolling off his tongue like it had a million times before.

Then he stepped out into the rain and walked away.

Sakura watched him without moving, feeling hot and cold all over. It wasn’t until he was disappeared around the corner that a glare fell over her features.

Damn, Uchiha. He certainly was better at this game than she thought.

to be continued…

[joocey]

Rants

This is my indirect message to you. One moment you decide to browse tumblr and should you fall upon this message. dont read it. I need to let this out. I feel heartbroken and completely alone.

Its uhm.. 3 in the morning right now. Last talked to you attempting to fall asleep at 10:00..Cant seem to catch a break and fall asleep. I dont know. Im honestly just speechless. Cant really go to anyone right now since theyre all asleep.

Wish I had someone to help me ease my mind. You were my go to. So im writing this to kinda get some things out.

I miss you. Closing my eyes and waves of memories come back. It brings me back to when times were really good, and I cant help but to think "where did I go wrong" why did you have to be the one to say "lets be friends" its not easy. You told itd be hard. And youre so right..I honestly never wish this kind of ache and pain on my worst enemy. How do people cope with something so big like this. Each minute passes by and I cant seem to get you out of my mind for one night just to go to sleep. I wish for a rewind button where we can be together again.

The hardest part is, I dont want to move on. I honestly cannot imagine someone as great as you are. I mightve not been in your vision for the future but why couldnt we live a day by day basis and just continue walking our path like we said we would. Side by side never letting go.

Questions come up left and right...was I not enough? When did you start feeling the disconnect? How come we didnt work together to solve it..thats what we're supposed to strive for. Its evident..people are different. To say theres the perfect match is naive. We work to mend to each other and become each others perfect match. Where did we go wrong..

Going into this, we knew our age difference and the different stages of our lives were not on the same. But you stated it yourself and you told me that it shouldnt be a factor because love is love. So i want to know when did you stop loving me. When did you think the best option wod be to just stay as friends. I was always there for you through everything you did since we met towards the end of 2016. I want to ask you so many questions i really so but i know i can't. I need answers and I want to ask. This fucking pain it hurts so much. Im the fool to keep lingering on arent I. Having wishful thinking. People say this is normal to experience but why. Why should good people have to experience such hardships.

My own bed doesnt comfort me anymore. My own videos i used to watch to fall asleep dont entertain me anymore. My family can crack jokes all they want but i feel no joy. I cant even fall asleep comfortably in my own bed inside of my own house. I want you back. I dont want some other person at a random bar or somewhere in school to start filling this void i feel. When I met you, it felt genuine and amazing. I whole heartedly beleive that if we give it another chance we can make it work. Can we at least try to make it work?

If you feel you need to prioritize work and your life, how come you never understood that I accepted and respected the shit out of that decision. I WAS OKAY WITH YOU WORKING AND UNDERSTOOD THAT WE CANT SEE EACH OTHER REGULARLY. I WAITED FOR YOU. I PROMISED YOU NO MATTER WHAT I WILL BE HERE WAITING. Ill never break a promise so here it is again. " I will wait "

Its normal for me to express my disapoiintments and my stress! Thats what you were there for right?! Someone to go to if I have troubles? But how come when I expressed them to you it felt like it only pushed you away. I cant stop saying this but I miss you. I dont know what to do with our app. Do i delete? Do i just keep it in my phone? It was our thing. I dont think we can be friends. Our relationship from here on will always feel like the older sister to a younger brother feel. Will it ever be normal again. Can it be something we both ignore the past, the experiences you and I shared and just act like we just have a clean slate. As if I went back to korea 2016?! I dont think i can. I really dont. You made me a better person and changed my life completely. You genuinely cared for me and I appreciate it all. Guess waking up tomorrow, we just go to friends. I wish this was all a dream and I can wake up to the "Good Morning" and fall asleep to your pleasant " Goodnights"