#im extremely tired because i had the worst night ever but i really dont have the time to rest rn 🙃 and the migraine is back

[tortademaracuya]

I dont have anything good finished for class tomorrow and I feel terrible why cant i at least find my 'sunday night where i dont feel like killing myself' post 😥

[sleepless-in-starbucks]

14 (bodyguard AU) and 46 (blind date) sounds fun,,, your choice of ship ( ˘ ³˘)♥ ( ˘ ³˘)♥ ( ˘ ³˘)♥

14. Bodyguard AU || 46. Blind date

Random choice generator got me creativisleep!

~

roman's a semi-popular actor- he's never really been to an awards show, and he's not been in That much, but he had a small but strong role in a real popular film and plenty of leading ones in lesser known movies. he's got enough of a following to be satisfied with himself, even if it isn't That huge of one

because of this, roman didn't take the possible dangers of his fame seriously... until he got jumped by one fan at a play in his hometown. he came out fine (he's always fine ;p) but it made him reconsider his choice to not have some sort of protection

he ends up hiring remy to be his bodyguard, a choice he Slightly starts regretting when he realizes remy, despite having excellent marks out of bodyguard school, is about as professional as a golden retriever

they take roman's food out of his fridge Whenever, borrow Way too many of his shirts (and roman hasn't seen his BMC 'boyf riends' hoodie since they got their hands on it), and is never in typical bodyguard wear (they wore a suit for the interview and never again)

but they also bring roman coffee (when did they get his regular figured out...?), talk to him like he's just a Person and not a celeb, and have yet to try and kill him themself so. roman's alright with them staying

(plus, is it so wrong if roman enjoys how they look? he deserves for a bit of an eye-candy sorta bodyguard, damnit, they're with him all the time after all)

remy's been with roman as his bodyguard for a few months when roman decides he cant just keep Lookin at a pretty person, he deserves to have a pretty person to kiss and cuddle with too!! so he pokes around for a bit, finds a non-homophobic service (he's pan, so he could Technically use a plain ol' straight service, but he refuses on gay principle), and uses it

idk how datin apps work but this one that im makin up is a blind match up app, which takes ur information and uses it to randomly pair u up with random accounts. the app keeps account info privated until After the first date has been gone on, to really maintain the 'blind match' aspect. the matched up people play a mini guessing game through the app about places they can go for a date until location and time is determined

roman likes the idea of the app mostly to keep his own identity secret as long as possible- he doesnt want people pickin his account Just bc he's a celeb, y'know?

the first couple of blind dates dont go well tho... most are nice people who roman just isn't compatible with, one was a straight woman who spent the entire date being Very homophobic despite roman's rainbow heart + pan flag pins, and someone who was clearly Too Much Of A Fan (remy had to physically pull them off of roman and help him escape the park before they could latch back on)

oh, did roman not mention? remy's been coming on all his dates with him

because of course they are! they need to protect roman! whether that's by eating dinner in the booth over or sitting two rows back at the cinema or awkwardly half-stalkin roman and his date while they walk about

so they're always there, to bring roman there and take him home, and listen when he complains about the bad matches and lament the almost-winners, and convince him he is a catch that needs to try again because eventually Someone will realize he really is too good to pass up

(remy always says that line in a weird way)

so he keeps trying... until roman has possibly the worst date ever

because he gets stood up. it's fifteen minutes past the scheduled date time, he's gotten no text explainin where they are, but he's sittin at the restaurant alone and starting to become rather upset by the pitying look the server gives him when he says he's still waitin on someone else before he orders

remy slides into the seat across from him at the 20 minute mark. shoots roman an apologetic smile that an outsider would mistake as a 'sorry im late' one when roman knows it's a 'sorry they didnt show' one

roman appreciates the gesture to save him, but he almost just wants to go home at this point. he's tired and bein stood up feels like Shit, actually, and he's about ready to call off the whole dating thing really, dramatic as that may be (like it's not his middle name)

but remy says smth about this place having really good sandwiches, and it's clear they're tryin so hard to help roman out here, even a little, and roman can't just dismiss that effort, so he picks up his menu again and orders smth and tries to ignore the way his face heats up just the slightest at the relieved smile remy flashes next

lunch with remy is great, actually, better than it would've been with whoever couldnt be bothered to show or apologize or Anything. remy even knows the way to an ice cream shop on the way home, sayin it's for roman's 'broken heart' as they pay for it

except, well... roman's heart isn't feelin so broken anymore

it's actually feeling pretty put together. really functional. functioning really fast. especially when roman's looking at remy. or when remy's lookin at roman. or when they smile. or when they laugh. or when they speak. or when they-

roman doesn't fall asleep until 2am that night, heart still racing a bit, screaming into his pillow a bit as he acknowledges he is wholly and totally head-over-heels for his bodyguard

he tells remy the next day he's done with dating for a bit, saying he's still upset over being stood up. he doesn't mention that it's also bc remy's ruined all other people for him

things try to fall back in routine from there, but it's a bit harder when roman's trying to not be so in love with someone who just works for him. and remy's definitely started pickin up on it too- they had asked him just last if he was okay, that he didn't seem as upset by remy takin his clothes anymore, and that didn't seem like him, was he getting sick?

the opposite, actually, absolutely nothing makes me feel better then seeing you walk around in my shirt or jacket or whatever else, please never stop and also kiss me?

roman just said he was tired

eventually... roman decides this can't keep going on. remy's giving him more weird looks these days, and roman is pretty sure being around remy so much without Any kisses is starting to cause brain decay (it's not, it's really not, remy always bein on his mind is just a side effect of.... pretti........). so, he takes matters into his own hands

admittedly, maybe firing remy wasn't the best way to go, given remy immediately demands to know why, what they did wrong, even asking if roman's being blackmailed into this

"blink once for yes, twice for no" remy asks, lowering the sunglasses they always have on to look directly at roman's eyes

roman doesn't blink for a full minute. he might not be breathing for that minute either. has he ever seen remy's eyes this close? has he ever seen them at all? they're such a brilliant shade of brown. roman could drown in them. he might be already

roman's pretty sure he started this conversation standing up, but maybe not, because when he finally blinks and remembers things outside of remy's eyes exist he's sitting down and remy looks extremely concerned

"okay... what's wrong, hun?" they ask, and oh no, they look so sad, and worried, and that's not good, roman should fix that right now, regardless of whatever he was doing before (he's forgotten)

"im gay" he responds intelligently. this will fix everything

remy, however, just looks confused. "yes?"

"for you" roman adds, helpfully, sure that Now remy will understand they're just really very pretty and nothing's wrong and if they feel bad still they should look in a mirror because then they'll be good again

now it's remy's turn to sit in silence, expression frozen in one of shock. they still havent put their sunglasses back on, so roman doesnt mind, bc this gives him more time to stare at remy's eyes

"you're having a breakdown because you're gay for me???" remy finally asks, expression unfreezing to look incredulous and a little hurt

roman returns a similar look. "im not having a breakdown!"

remy scoffs. "yeah, sure, right, that's why you suddenly froze and completely stopped breathing and minorly collapsed after i... look off my shades to look at you..." they suddenly break out in a smirk. "oh my gods, you're a gay disaster"

roman doesn't try to deny it, especially with the knowledge he apparently did stop breathing to admire remy's eyes. they have a point

"how long?"

"since that date you hijacked after i got stood up" roman admits. he finds it extraordinarily rude when remy starts laughing

...until they're pulling out their phone, hurriedly opening up the exact same dating app roman had been using, showing a log of all the dates they had planned- there's only one marked as having actually been attended

same date time and place of the one where roman had assumed he had been stood up

"you broke my heart!" roman says as remy puts away their phone, over-dramatically, not actually giving a damn, just feeling gay and a bit giddy at the thought remy hadnt gone to any of the other dates, just theirs

no longer worried quite as much about roman for the moment, remy's smirk just grows, smoothly moving from being crouched in front of roman to being set firmly in his lap, lazily brushing hair out of his eyes and wow was remy always this warm? and stunning? and perfect?

"i dunno babe... sounds more like i stole it" remy teases, movin from playing with roman's hair to cuppin his cheek, leaning in close and not even bothering to pretend to be looking at anything other than roman's lips. "which, yeah, bad bodyguard etiquette... i hope you can forgive me..."

roman doesn't need his words to answer that tease

[hyde1403]

Just a rant..or confession..or a cry

Gods I am so tired. So tired of having it all together. Not allowed to cry, cant show that I'm struggling. Being a single mother is so difficult. And oh so lonely. I'm tired of being alone. Oh not having anyone else to turn to. Sure my parents help out but at the end of the day, im the walking zombie. Working 3rd shift and having to stay awake during the day because I dont have child care now. I'm used to it. I have to do it, been doing it for 18 months now. Still have no idea how I'm upright. My baby is happy and healthy and that's all that should matter right? At least that's what everyone tells me so naturally that's my moto. I dont even know who I am anymore. Not that I ever did. I'm a wallflower to the extreme. I reentered a toxic relationship just because I had been lonely before. Sure it gave me a beautiful baby (you know the saying 2 ugly people have beautiful baboes) but I'm still no one. My son doesnt talk even though he knows what I say. What I would do to hear him say love you. Not that he really knows what it would mean. I just want to know it's not all in vain. Or that there will be someone to share these memories with. I want more pictures of me with my son. We do so much fun stuff but unless I'm taking the picture of just him. I'm not attractive I'm not stupid, but I'd love for someone to say they love the way I look. I'm not ashamed of my body, it grew a baby for christ sake but it's not something other people enjoy. I'm working on it. Or at least I try to. I'm just so tired it's hard to do anything more than watch my son run around. And yeah a lot is all on me to fix. Fat? Exercise. Lonely? Go out. Unhappy? Find joy and stop complaining. I get it. It's all on me to fix. But it's also all on me to clean the house every day, cook all the meals, pay all the bills, play, teach, discipline. For the most part I do fine. I've got my monthly, weekly, and daily lists. I've got my schedule. So what am I doing wrong. I dont even know anymore. I feel like I'm beyond fixing it and just need to keep at hiding it. Because the child cant know about adult problems yet. Need to get better for him. It's all about him. How would I even fit a relationship into my life. I barely have time to shower and eat for myself. I scarf down my food so I can clean or do other chores while the baby eats. Theres no way I can have someone else in my life. I'm not even in my life. But I have something to prove. That I can do it on my own so he doesnt come back and try to demand my son "to help" when he hasnt seen him in a year. Before he left he said if I need help to let him know. So he cant know. Baby got night terrors from the last time he saw him. Worst time of my life. Cant put him through that again. This is why I need to get better. So baby has a good life. That's my purpose. I've learned to accept and love it. So why am I complaining...

Honestly ya'll I'm fine. Just needed to do tangent writing to get out of my head for a moment. No need to sound the alarms. Just proves to try and be kind to the stranger next to you. You dont k ow what demons they rein in

[wolferals]

audition

Arón Piper imagine

*

saturday, january 18th 11:22pm • Today was Monday, August 22nd and all I've seen since 8am were wannabe actors reading their stupid lines to us pretending they were fucking Johnny Depp himself. God I was so sick of it, but since I've been grounded my dad made me cast people for this movie he was going to direct. Why were you grounded, you may ask. Well let's say, we just moved to Madrid basically to the end of the world since I grew up in America all my life. Yeah, my first days of school didnt really turn out to be super great, my english teacher was super racist in my opinion. She kept making „jokes" about my country/ and at some point i just snapped and told her how she dared to be so fucking racist. My class agreed with me yet my teacher didnt and put me in detention first and then called my dad. So yeah, thats why he's making me do this.

Some might think, its not a punishment to cast people for a „super cool movie" but have u ever been in a all white room for 10 hours listening to the same sentences over and over, being read by the worst people ever? No, exactly.

Its been exactly 4 hours now, its been around 12 when we decided to take a short break to get some food. I walked around the building for a while, grabbed a iced coffee at the bar and then sat down on a couch in the foyer to immediately text my friends from back home about how horrible i was feeling.

I didnt even get to text 5 words until my dad came around the corner saying something like:"Y/n, lets go. The people wont cast themselves. I mean they'd love to but that's our job." He then laughed loudly and almost couldnt stop. One thing about my dad: He thinks he's hilarious but in my opinion he's a little too full of himself. No offense, i love him of course.

Therefore I walked back to the cruel looking white room and sat down on my chair sipping my iced coffee. „Alright, next up, we have a Joshua Hamilton reading for the part of Jamey." I rolled my eyes. Yet again another Jamey. Ive heard the line:"No way Daniel, are you insane?! Have you even thought about the fact that you could get fucking killed?" about 50 times today.

And to be honest, the only person i'd like to get killed right now would be myself.

„Hello, my name is Joshua Hamilton, I'm 22 years old and I'll be reading for the part of Jamey." The tall, skinny looking guy then spoke after *extremely happy looking* entered the room. Well no offense but super happy people make me puke.

He then read his lines, horribly. He was just too enthusiastic and grinning through the entire thing. It was supposed to be a mad Jamey yelling at his brother who was about to attack his ex girlfriend's killer.

Dad then told him, they will call him. But lets be honest here, obviously they wont. • Alright so another 4 hours passed and we had almost all important characters casted, except Jamey. The crew was getting impatient and we were all super tired. „Dad how many are left?" I then asked because I wanted nothing more than this to end. „26." he answered, sounding annoyed. So was I. „Jeez, for fucks sake." I exclaimed and leaned back in my chair. „Y/n, watch your language!" He scoffed and took a sip of his water before leaning back as well.

„Okay next off we have a Arón Piper. He is Spanish-German, which wouldnt quite match with the way we pictured Jamey. But lets get the guy, kay?" Evan, the producer spoke after reading some reviews.

„Mhm." my Dad hummed. He seemed extremely tired and messed up to be fair.

As I said, I was annoyed and super damn hungry but the second this guy walked in, all my senses were on and I couldnt help but stare at him. He was tall, had curly hair, an earring on his left ear, chocolate brown eyes and a smile that could kill. „Hola,, I'm Arón." My dad seemed to like him too because he sat up straight scanning him up and down. „How old are you Arón?" Lucy, the executive producer asked him, smiling as well. „I'm 23." The handsome guy answered calm and sent me his billion dollar smile.

fuck • I smiled back and for whatever fucking reason I just said:"You must be working out, am I right?" Everyone looked at me but I didnt care, I just looked him right in the eyes and saw him laugh. „Y/n what the hell?" My dad whispered sounding pissed yet confused. „Jamey is a fit dude, he goes to the gym 6 times a week. We have to consider the fact that the actor has to be healthy and all as well." I tried to get out of the weird situation but actually I was just wishing for him to take off his shirt to show us -okay, me- his amazing abs I bet he had. „Uhm to be honest, I just dance, thats it. But you could call that a work out since Ive been doing it since I was 7 years old."

The others seemed impressed too, so Lucy cockily said:"So if acting wouldnt work, youd become a professional dancer?" Arón laughed again and answered:"Yeah, probably. But i havent even read my lines yet."

The entire time he was acting his lines, I was just staring at his god like face, every emotion, every move, every little change in his body language was perfect. My dad looked like he was impressed too and he then, after Arón had finished, spoke:"Thank you, Arón. That was amazing!" He smiled happily and answered fully paying attention:"Oh gracias, it means so much coming from you!" He walked up to my dad to shake his hand and then took back his portfolio. „Honey what do you think? Should we put him in round 2?" I looked over to my dad, took a glance at Arón who was smiling cutely at me. „Nah."

Everyone gave me a confused look and in Arón´s eyes I could see pure fear.

„I think we should give him the part.“

My dad smiled, nodded at me and then spoke:“Alright, Arón Piper, congratulations.“

Arón walked over to me and stuck his hand out for me to shake it. I slowly took his hand and, okay that might sound weird, but it felt so damn good to touch him. God I sound like a creep. No but for real his hand was a lot bigger than mine and really warm compared to my -always cold- claws. „Gracias." he said quietly and stared directly into my eyes while smiling. I wanted to say something like:"Of course, you deserve it, you were amazing." but i just couldnt, i wasnt able to look anywhere but into his beautiful brown eyes.

My dad saw that and cleared his throat loudly. „Thank you again Arón, we will call you next week for further information. But for now, since Jamey is the main male protagonist and we will be filming most of the scenes with you, we'd like to invite you and the other main actors to a dinner party tomorrow night. We hope you're free and we would text you further dates later on today."

-„Yes I'm free, that'd be amazing! Thank you so much! See you tomorrow then, bye guys." He grabbed his jacket from off the floor and left the room smiling brightly.

-„We've got it! We found, first of all the perfect Jamey, and we finally have all the actors, people!" Lucy shouted and sighed relieved. „Alright then, lets celebrate!" My dad exclaimed happily and the others stood up after him. „I'll be right out, I'll go to the bathroom real quick." I informed the guys and just simply hit the bathroom next to the audition room. When i checked back to see if the room had been locked, I noticed that a portfolio book was left on the table. I grabbed it, opened it and and noticed it was Arón's.

Right, he grabbed it before, then shook our hands and put it down again. Then he walked out without it.

So I quickly locked the door and ran through the building, past my dad saying:"Be right back." I figured, Arón couldnt have gotten very far, so I sprinted down the stairs, out of the front door of the building and i looked around if I might spot him. I then saw a guy that looked like him walking down the street towards a silver car and i ran as fast as i could to reach him.

„Arón!" I yelled and stopped once I finally reached him. „Yeah?" he was about to get in the car but turned around. „You forgot that." I passed him his book and tried to catch my breath real quick. „Oh god, thank you! I totally forgot about that. Gracias." He took it smiling.

While I was trying to breath, he opened the car door and said:"Just a second." Me, still dying from all the running, I was now leaning against a wall. „You okay?" -„Huh? Yeah. Im.. good." I was kind of embarrassed at how unathletic i was. „U sure?" he came closer and looked actually quite concerned. „Ya dont worry. Uhm.. See you.. tomorrow..at the.. party?" i tried to play it off and stood straight again Arón smiled again and answered:"Of course. Cant wait!" He then walked back to the car and sent me another smile before getting in.

Damn, this guy.

[lnane]

I’m gonna be super annoying and ask for the questions in increments of 5 (as in 5,10,15,20 etc) haha please don’t hate me

youre not annoying! i like doing this. i could never hate you, youre too cool <3

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

“yes”

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

i dont think ive ever actually played the air guitar. i dont play air instruments, like at all. at most i drum on things

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

honestly it doesnt really matter much. on one hand i like attention, and performing and such. but on the other i also like taking photos of people and things, and being helpful and stuff.

for the sake of the question id say in front

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

my greatest weakness is probably my instinct to isolate myself from everyone else and refusal to depend on others for help. i always want to be indepentant and i dont know how to ask for help, let alone how to not feel like a bother while doing so. so i often end up just sitting alone not certain what to do.

my greatest strenght is probably that im very funny and sexy as fuck and that i try to treat people with kindness no matter where i go B)

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

talking on the phone, easily. both tire me but video chatting can be extremely exhausting. idk why theres a difference. either way after i always end up zoning out and not being able to pay much attention or distracted and just being silent in general after a while, especially if theres several people on call.

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

wall.

air or bed

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

have fun. do anything that makes you feel fullfilled and happy while causing as little harm to others. the goal of your life should be to, at the end of it, be able to look back and genuinely say “i lived a good life. i am happy with this”. regrets and pain will exist in it, but as long as it has been good for you, overall, you have suceeded.

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

i dont have a drivers license for a car, but ive had a license for mopeds and tractors since i was 15 (which is when you can get em here in sweden).

ive not really crashed (which is surprising considering how often i basically slept on the moped), but before i got my license and the first time i sat on a moped i drove into a ditch. ive also fallen over a couple times when trying to park.

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

i have no idea. i think i would say that one time when i was like. 6? 7? something like that and fell from my bed when jumping around playing and hit my forehead on one of the pole things on the bedframe, which was square. still have a visible scar from it.

50: Do you believe in magic?

idk. i want to, but theres also nothing proving its real. im sorta agnostic about it. it can be real and ive just not seen it yet, or its not real. either way, im not gonna know for certain until i see it myself.

55: Love or lust?

i want love, but i think i lust more

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

oh yes. perfume bottles, pride flags, paint, books, a giftbag, letters, needles, paper, a big dragon eraser, probably way more but im not gonna search my entire room for it

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

oh geez i suck at and hate this kinda thing. im gonna skip this one :)

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

i dont think i am what i ideally want out of a friend, but i do think i am the kind of person that i could get along with and be friends with. we would never talk outside of like, physical meetings tho.

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

4778

80: What size shoes do you wear?

42-43 depending on the shoe i think (keep in mind i am swedish we use a different system from yall americans and yall brits)

85: What’s the last song you listened to?

i am currently, as of im writing this question, listening to Alone by The Mowgli’s

by the time ive finished answering to all the questions im listening to Moscow by Autoheart (its such a good song i had to add it)

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

try to shoo them out probably. they gotta stink and i dont want their dirt in my room, its enough with mine and the dogs

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

ive answered this one already but ill answer it again! finland. wanna give archie a hug and maybe a kiss on the cheek if theyll let me

[luellasu]

          ✧.°   hello  hello  !!!   i’m  diana  (  she/her,  20,  est  )  aka  ur  resident  girl  group  stan  !!   so  i’m  a  little  late  to  the  party  but  i’m  finally  here,  introducing  my  baby  angel  luella  (  she  is  quite  literally  an  angel  hehe  ).  u  can  read  all  abt  her  under  the  cut,  but  if  u  want  2  plot,  we  can  do  so  thru  im’s  or  on  discord  depending  on  what  u  prefer  !!  my  discord  is  everybody say STAN LOONA#5522

𝙵𝙸𝙻𝙴    :    #ANG3L    //    STATS    »    luella ‘lu’  su,  (  appears to be )  twenty,  cis female,  she/her,  ballerina.    ATTRIBUTES    »    devoted,  mercurial,  captivating,  demure.    SEEN    »    strangers whispering in the night,  the lingering scent of vanilla in the air,  tired eyes stained by glitter and mascara.    DO NOT MISTAKE FOR    »    tzuyu chou.

(     𝑯𝑼𝑴𝑨𝑵.   )

so,,  since  she  cant  remember  her  life  as  a  human,  i’ll  keep  it  short   !!!   but  i  figured  it’s  worth  mentioning

as  a  human,  she  had  big  aspirations.  she  was  raised  predominantly  by  her  grandmother  because  her  parents  were  always  working

luella had  always  wanted  to  be  a  dancer,  but  she  came  from  a  lower  middle  class  family  and  they  couldn’t  afford  to  put  her  in  lessons.  so,  sometimes  she  would  watch  classes  through  the  window

she  studied  hard  in  school  and  was  at  the  top  of  her  class,  and  despite  never  formally  receiving  lessons,  all  her  years  of  observing  classes  made  her a  promising  dancer

lu took  a  year  off  after  high  school  to  work  and  save  money,  and  planned  to  audition  for  a  prestigious  ballet  academy  in  europe  because  there  were  recruiters  in  her  town

however,  on  the  way  to  the  audition,  she  died  in  a  car  accident  along  with  her  parents.  a  few  months  prior  to  this,  her  grandmother  had  died  of  old  age

so,  with  the  deaths  of  her  and  her  family,  it  didn’t  take  long  for  her  to  be  forgotten  all  together

(     𝑨𝑵𝑮𝑬𝑳 .   )

as  an  angel,  luella  avoided  living  with  humans  at  first.  she  did  not  want  to  get  too  attached,  and  she  felt  that  living  among  them  wouldn’t  end  well  for  her

however,  even  from  a  distance,  she  became  attached  to  one  human.  it  was  a  girl,  a  ballet  dancer.  it  was  then  she  made  the  decision  to  live  among  humans,  and  she  decided  to  take  up  ballet  to  be  closer  to  her

still,  even  living  among  humans,  she  managed  to  keep  some  distance.  she  was  more  reserved,  and  extremely  observant.  eventually  though,  the  two  became  friends.  she  felt  more  protective  over  this  one human  above  all  others

this  continued  for  a  while,  but  the  guilt  of  having  a  favorite  began  to  linger  in  her  thoughts.  she  made  the  decision  to  leave and  continue  watching  her  from  afar  instead

once  lu left  the  human  world,  she  started  to  feel  a  lot  better  about  herself  and  could  say  she  no  longer  had  favorites.  for  a  few  years,  this  worked perfectly.  except  the  ballet  dancer  she  had  once  been  so  close  to  developed  an  illness  and  passed  away  from  it

lu  was  riddled  with  regret.  she  wished  she  had  stayed  close  to  her  for  the  remainder  of  her  life  instead  of  running  away.  the  worst  part  was,  she  knew  that  human  felt  abandoned  by  her

it  was  the  first  time  as  an  angel  that  she  felt  like  a  failure

for  a  while  after  the  death  of  the  dancer,  luella  couldn’t  focus  properly.  she  began  spacing  out  a  lot,  making  mistakes  more  frequently  (  when  prior  to  this,  she  was  the  perfect  example  of  what  an  angel  should  be  ).  she  could  not  move  on  and  started  to  feel  like  she  was  not  fit  to  be  an  angel

as  this  was  negatively  impacting  her  ability  to  carry  out  her  responsibilities,  she  pressured  by  the  other  angels  to  either  overcome  her  failures  or  lose  her  status  as  an  angel

this  ultimatum  made  her  realize  she  wanted  to  remain  an  angel  and  that  she  would  have  to  get  her  act  together  to  do  so. for  a  brief  moment,  she  contemplated  giving  up  her  status,  to  be  able  to  forget  it  all.  but  when  it  came  down  to  it,  she  didn’t  want  to  lose  the  memories  of  all  those  she  had  crossed  paths  with,  especially  the  dancer,  who  at  least  was  alive  in  her  thoughts

it  was  not  easy  to  return  to  being  the  perfect  angel,  but  she  worked  hard  to  get  back  to  that  level  

eventually,  she  felt  ready  to  live  among  humans  once  more.  she  decided  to  move  to  lunehaven  for  a  while,  though  she  really  wants  to  move  to  paris  one  day.  in  the  meantime,  she  has  continued  pursuing  ballet  and  works  as  an  instructor  for  kids

she  attempts  to  live  a  quiet  life,  not  getting  too  close  to  anyone,  but  it  does  get  lonely  sometimes

(    𝑷𝑬𝑹𝑺𝑶𝑵𝑨𝑳𝑰𝑻𝒀.   )

luella  tends  to  be  quite  reserved.  she  rarely  initiates  conversations  or  hangouts,  but  is  relieved  when  someone  else  does.  she  enjoys  being  social,  she’s  just skeptical  about  getting  too  close  to  others

she  is  a  scorpio  sun  with  a  libra  moon  so  take  that  as  u  will   !!

she  is  extremely  devoted  to  dance  and  being  an  angel  (  despite  everything  that  happened  ),  and  also  very  devoted  to  the  few  that  she  is  close  to,  however,  she  changes  her  mind  a  lot  about  other  things.  her  mood  tends  to  change  a  lot,  but  she  does  her  best  to  keep  this  to  herself

as  you  can  expect  of  scorpio  and  libra  placements,  she  can  be  quite  an  intense/obsessive  lover  BUT  can  also  be  flighty  if  something  seems  too  serious  or  causes  her  to  feel  too  much.  yes,  she  is  a  walking  paradox  i  do  not  want  2  live  in  her  head  !!!

she  adores  classical  music,  which  can  be  expected  of  a  ballet  dancer.  she  wants  to  learn  how  to  play  violin  one  day

her  taste  is  pretty  ....  refined,  so  she  can  be  quite  the  snob  sometimes 

she  enjoys  going  to  the  theatre  and  the  opera  and  stuff  like  that,  and  mostly  goes  alone

she  comes  alive  at  nighttime  tbh,,  the  quiet  hours  once  everyone  has  gone  to  sleep  is  her  favorite  time  of  day.  she  lovessss  stargazing  and  if  you  become  her  friend,  she  will  force  you  to  have  picnics  under  the  stars

she’s  bi  bi  bi  babey  !!!

take  a  look  at  her  pinterest  board  to  get  a  feel  for  her  aesthetic   !!!!

(    𝑾𝑨𝑵𝑻𝑬𝑫 𝑪𝑶𝑵𝑵𝑬𝑪𝑻𝑰𝑶𝑵𝑺.   )

cultured  duo  -  someone  who  goes  to  the  theatre/cinema/opera  with  her  !!!   it could  be  against  their  will,  maybe  she  begs  them  to  come.  or  maybe  they  also  enjoy the  these  things 

ex-fling/gf/bf  -  there  could  b  more  than  one  of  these  !!   they  could  have  ended  on  bad  terms  or  good  terms,  still  have  lingering  feels  or  tension  or  maybe  they  remained  friends  !!!  we  can  plot  this  literally  however   !!

unrequited  crush  -  maybe  she  has  a  crush  on  ur  muse  and  it  scares  her  to  admit.  OR  ur  muse  could  have  a  crush  on  her  and  maybe  she’s  oblivious  to  it

current fling/friends  w  benefits  -  someone  she  is  currently  seeing.  could  be  no  strings  attached,  or  there  could  b  some  feelings  there.  maybe  they  don’t  want  to  make  it  anything  serious,  or  maybe  they’re  ready  to  take  it  to  the  next  level.  maybe  one  person  is  ready  to  go  further,  and  the  other  isn’t.

enemies  w  benefits  -  imagine  the  tension   !!!   they  started  out  hating  each  other  but  ended  up  hooking  up.  maybe  it  was  a  one  time  thing,  or  maybe  they  can’t  stop  going  back  to  each  other.  maybe  they  keep  it  a  secret  and  don’t  want  anyone  else  to  know.  this  could  develop  in  soooo  many  ways 

ex-friends  -  someone  she  used  to  consider  a  best/close  friend,  but  they  had  a  falling  out  for  whatever  reason  n  maybe  they  strongly  dislike  each  other  now.  maybe  they  want  to  re-kindle  their  friendship  but  don’t  know  how

sibling-like friendship  -  someone  she  sees  like  a  sibling.  they’re  there  for  each  other  and  look  out  for  one  another,  always  have  each  other’s  backs 

dynamic  duo  -  ride  or  dies.  platonic  soulmates   !!   this  person  is  prob  one  of  the�� closest  people  to  her  and  knows  her  very  well   !    they  could  b  a  power  duo,  always  looking  out  for  each  other

take  care  -  i  think  it  would  be  cool  if  maybe  one  day  she  drank  a  little  too  much  or  was  having  an  off  day  in  general  and  your  muse  helped  her  get  home  and  spent  the  night  to  make  sure  she  was  okay.  lu  probably  feels  like  she  owes  them  a  favor  and  is  really  grateful  in  general  that  they  took  the  time  to  care

confidant  -  someone  who  confides  in  her  or  someone  she  confides  in,  or  they  confide  in  each  other.  they  don’t  necessarily  have  to  be  the  closest  friends  ever,  but  they  get  along,  trust  each  other,  and  maybe  they  talk  more  in  private

rivals  -  they  don’t  like  each  other  for  whatever  reason,  which  we  can  plot. maybe  it’s  jealousy  or  their  personalities  just  clash,  but  for  whatever  reason  they  do  not  get  along.  maybe  they  bring  out  a  bad  side  to  her  that  most  people  dont  see

good  influence  -  someone  she  can  be  a  good  influence  on,  someone  she  brings  out  the  best  in,  maybe  someone  she  rly  cares  about  and  wants  to  look  after  to  make  sure  they’re  ok   !!

this  is  all  i  have  for  now,  but  maybe  eventually  i  will  make  a  plots  page   !!!

[lonelyshrimp]

What happened with your roomies if you don’t mind me asking...?

 Yknow what I’m in a mood and they don’t know my tumblr (haha they think I’m a cisstraight girl lol) so let’s get into some shit. Imma put everything under a read more bc imma rant a bit and this is gonna get long.

TW: food, unsanitary (general things not being kept clean, typically bathroom and kitchen related), drug use, fighting, slurs

tl;dr if you dont feel like reading this beast:

They steal what food i dare leave out in the kitchen rather tan keep in my room

They slam doors excessively, fight, yell horrible things to each other, have friends over yelling at like 2 am (last night for example)

Leave the doors unlocked and open?? We cant even lock the front door anymore??? (Dw the doors to our rooms all have locks. If I’m in my room or out of the house, my door is locked)

Constantly throw around the r slur. Like. All the time. Including one person having called me it. Y i k e s

One person keeps smoking in the house even though i’ve asked numerous times (and even have a note on my door) asking people to please smoke outside, it gives me headaches. You are physically hurting me stop.

Don’t Clean Anything. The kitchen is a wreck. The toilets are constantly clogging, I Am In Hell.

For context: the house is a one story house divided into a main floor and finished basement. It’s a rooming house and the basement is largely seperate from upstairs. (They have a kitchen door that they keep closed and locked.) The stairs to the basement are split into two smaller flights, with a landing in between the floors. That’s where the side door is. The public spaces upstairs are the kitchen (connects to stairs), the hallway, and the two bathrooms (big main one, tiny water closet by the front door). The rest of the upstairs is split into five rooms. For comprehension sake, we’ll call my roommates: The Couple (M&F), A, T, and J.

Mmkay lets start with the least egregious and move our way up, shall we? Theft! Of anything and everything! No one can have anything out in the public areas if they actually care about it. It. Will. Get. Stolen. Now, I have a mini fridge and the second biggest room here, so I’m lucky in that 99% of my groceries, as well as all my other belongings, fit in my room. There’s just a wee problem: I don’t have a freezer. Not to fear, past naïve me thought, I’ll just clean out and use the locked freezer since I still have the keys for that fridge! (We have two fridges and food theft was a problem beforehand and so me and my friend who lived here cleaned out the second fridge to use as our own and kept it locked.) I decided to do this after I had bought myself some ice cream, wrote my name on the top, and put it in the main freezer. I go to have some ice cream later that week, I open the tub for the first time (as in I removed the seal holding the lid onto the tub) to find that someone eaten half the tub of ice cream while making it seem like it hadn’t been opened. I know it happened at home bc the spoon marks were clear as day and I have to walk 20 minutes back from the grocery store. That woulda melted by then (Also I would’ve noticed at the store that. The tub was hella lopsided??? And way too light???) So yea of course I’m ticked now, I spent 6 bucks on that bro like just ask or get ur own??? So I put it the other freezer, and for a while it’s fine. Next month I decide to treat myself to some frozen waffles and some chicken strips and come home to find that the hinges holding the locks onto the doors of the fridge were torn out of the fridge/freezer doors. Like. The screws were pried outta this metal door rendering the locks completely useless (to the point i wouldn’t even be able to put the hinges back on.) And the cherry on top?? My ice cream was gone!!! Hope u enjoyed it, asshole. So whatever. Fine. I put my food away and. a week later?? Im like “Man i could go for some waffles rn”. I bought 2 8 packs. One chocolate chip, one cinnamon (y’all i literally buy the cheapest ones Zehrs sells. 2,19$ a box y’all. not even eggos). Surprise surprise!! The entire box of choccy chip ones GONE. Mind u, i wrote my name on all of these boxes, as well as a very large “DO NOT EAT”. so i begrudgingly had a couple (note that, 2) cinnamon waffles and move on. A couple days later I go to have some more and. The waffles are completely gone. Out of a total of 16 waffles, ya boy got a solid 2. (It’s worth noting that there was a single waffle left, but at 0,27$ a waffle, I didn’t mind leaving the box on the table with a note basically reading “these are cheap af, buy ur own bitch”.) (I didn’t swear that much tho)

I’d add the bike to the list but i can’t confirm nor deny that one of my roommates stole my tires and seat off my bike (although M does work on bikes all the time so man idk.)

Next up: wow people here are l o u d. I’m talking slamming doors all the time, slamming things around, yelling, playing music wildly loud. It’s awful. Like. You can just. Close the door quietly? Stop slamming things around please? It’s awful because loud sudden noises make me panic and lemme tell ya, wakin up at eight am bc your a-hole roommate decided to slam the door eight times bc the front door is broken because someone took the border around the jamb off instead of fixing it so we can actually?? lock that door?? because it doesnt quite fit in the jamb and so the only wat to lock it was the chain lock and. someone took that too so thats fun :)))))). The side door isn’t that much better. We have a code lock and. No One Ever Locks It. Like. I’ll come outta room and?? It’s just open????? Close the door???????????

The worst, however, is the fucking fighting. The Couple love to argue all the time. and yell at each other and slam the doors or smashing shit and they yell pretty awful things to each other. Like. I’ve heard M call his gf some awful shit. It’s worse when they have people over too. The other day there were like. 14 cops in here bc of them at like 2 am. Cue me, 2 am, trying to watch a livestream and seeing like??? Six cop cars pull up????? Wh a t????? Not fun not good for my brain.

God and. What is with everyone and the r slur??? Like what?? there are so many words you can choose stop using that word. Like okay the other night someone?? took the dc adapter for the wireless modem and one of the dudes downstairs as well as the couple were looking to see if they had a compatible dc adapter and so i just decided to wait?? and i just spaced out a bit okay whatever i was lookin at the wall like i do and fuckin. the couple had a couple friends over and one of em was chillin between the kitchen and the hall and M yells out from his room “Hey don’t you feel weird with this creepy ass bitch standing next to you? Like what is she, m*ntally r*tarded?” like wow okay dude i’m literally not doing anything. Luckily his friends reaction was basically “?? She lives here?? She can stand there if she wants??” (wow referring to myself as she feels weird and wrong).

A big problem I have is I feel like theres a community in this house that I just don���t fit into? Part of it is I’m like. the only person here who doesn’t do drugs of any kind?? Like I have nothing against ppl who use drugs like whatever bro, but it feels super othering to me when i can’t relate to anyone here because of it. That and. Getting T in particular but really just anyone but A to respect me asking that if you’re going to smoke anything to do it outside because weed and to a lesser extent cigarette smoke trigger my sensory disorder and causes me pain and causes sensory overload and I still find myself asking people to smoke outside.Like I’ve never been unreasonable and said “no drugs in the house” or some bs. I’m just asking u to respect my disability thanks.And like?? I’ll get into this in a second but there were needles in the toilet?? Bro throw them out properly.

And now: Hell.

Can no one clean up after themselves?? Do your dishes. If theres food left on your plate, throw it out first, don’t dump it in the sink. Seriously the kitchen sink is fucked. The kitchen is gross. The microwave ugh ugh ugh no thanks. No one can clean everything. This is why all my cookware and dishes are in my room. That way I can make sure I 1) Still Own It and 2) Its clean and usable. I clean them as I go and just use my own shit.

Nothing compares to the bathrooms, though. It seems like every other day one of the toilets are clogged. Last week there were spoons in the sink?? Like at least 10 spoons. In the bathroom sink. The floor is dirty because no one owns a mop and?? there was one in the kitchen?? I haven’t seen it in like a month. And the worst of all. Okay, it’s really bad when every one up here is between like. 16 and 19 I think? And I had to put up a sign in the bathroom asking people to flush when you’re done??? And I still have to flush before I can use the washroom???? And it feels like every week or so. The toilet’s clogged. Oh! I forgot to mention that the water closet doesn’t even have a doorknob anymore. Someone took it. But wait, it gets worse. Seriously if extremely unsanitary things bother u, stop reading now.

Twice in the past month I’ve had to contact the landlord because the toilets were beyond clogged. The first time was bad but oh lord nothing compares to the second time (aka last week). The first time was your pretty standard toilet clogs and backs up and its very gross. I contacted the landlord and it was fixed the next day and it was fine. For. Two Days. Im serious. See. People here have a real issue it seems of “The person before me didn’t flush so neither will I”, leading to a toilet bowl full of like. a half a roll of toilet paper and waste. F u n. What that led to was the toilet clogging, people not doing anything about it, and continuing to use it. Eventually the toilet bowl was full, so trow a shopping bag over the lid to mark the toilet as “Out of order” and move on to the other one.Both toilets were completely unusable. I emailed the landlord and i don’t know if either they or one of the people living here contacted them, but the old landlord and old property manager were here the other day to clean them out and fix them?? and yea among all the standard waste you’d expect in a toilet, there were needles? Like buddy theres a trash can right there? I know u had the needle caps bc they were in there too. just... disgusting...

bro this is just what i can think of off the top of my head i know theres more but oh no this is so long now. just. this is a lot more detail than u wanted but i wanted to get this out of my brain??

[inyournightmares97]

My Youth (Chapter 6)

Broken and miserable, Park Jinyoung returns to his hometown to learn that no matter how hard he falls, there are still people who think he’s a hero.

Warnings: Mentions of suicide/depression, death, angst, slow build, maybe some language.(Please don’t ask when I’ll update. Wait until the series is finished to read if you’re impatient.)

Word Count: 5.7k+

(Can’t put links to the other parts here, please check my Masterlist/the reblog for the Prologue and Chapters 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5)

“-Mom, I’m busy,” Jinyoung muttered into the phone. He had been sitting in a crucial meeting with the Finance Director of GOT Tech and representatives of the Financial Regulatory Board. Receiving approval for his company to go public was one of the most critical and risky steps in Jinyoung’s career.

His mother, however, had been calling him constantly for the last twenty minutes.

Mrs. Park sounded upset. “I’m sorry, Jinyoung, dear. I just needed to reach you-”

“Mom, I’m in an extremely important meeting right now. Do you know how it looks when the Managing Director of GOT Group keeps getting calls from his mother during business meetings? What do you want from me?” Jinyoung demanded in a frustrated whisper, running his fingers through his hair. He tried not to let his agitation show on his face; the other high-profile attendees of the meeting could still see him through the glass wall of the conference room.

“Jinyoung, there’s been a terrible tragedy in town,” his mother began nervously. “I don’t… I don’t know how to tell you this, but i suppose there’s no easy way to talk about a death.  Remember I told you that I’ve been going to the hospital every day to meet-”

Jinyoung felt a burst of irritation. The clock was ticking. The Board members were waiting for him impatiently and he could see the disapproval on their faces. “Mom, did you call me to tell me that someone died?”

“Well… yes, but-”

“Mom, I have been preparing for this presentation for months. The future of my company depends on this meeting. This is absolutely the worst time you could have chosen to tell me something like this,” Jinyoung muttered through gritted teeth. He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself. “Please don’t mess up my focus right now. We can talk about this later. Do you need anything from me urgently?”

Mrs. Park hesitated. “You always seem to be busy these days. I just thought… if we could maybe help out with the funeral expenses or the hospital bills…”

Jinyoung closed his eyes. “Mom, you can just call my secretary for that. She’ll send you whatever amount you need. Send them flowers from me or something, okay? I have to go now.”

“Take care, Jinyoung, dear-”

“Bye, Mom.”

Jinyoung hung up and sighed, pressing his fingers to his temple. His personal secretary had followed him out of the room and was watching him nervously. He hadn’t even asked his mother who it was that had passed away. Was it somebody he knew? Maybe it was best that he didn’t think about it too much for now.

“Take my Mom’s call and ask her who died, send them money for the funeral and all those formalities,” Jinyoung told his secretary shortly. She nodded and made a note of it on her phone quickly while Jinyoung cleared his mind.

Focus. The presentation. The numbers.  

Jinyoung took a deep, calming breath and plastered a rehearsed smile on his face before he turned to enter the conference room once more.

“I’m so sorry to keep you gentlemen waiting,” Jinyoung greeted all the well-dressed men with a bright smile. “I hope you can forgive me. Mothers seem to have a knack for calling at the most inconvenient times, don’t they?”

The men chuckled politely. “That’s perfectly fine, Mr. Park.”

“May I begin the presentation?”

“Please, do.”

--------

Jinyoung believed that to achieve something great, you needed to make certain sacrifices.

He had always known that the path he was embarking upon was not an easy one. Establishing your own business meant that you didn't get off work at 5 pm sharp, you couldn’t spend your weekends at a countryside cabin or getting drinks with your friends. You needed to keep working until things got done. You needed to compete in the market. You needed to be strong enough to pick up after your losses and clever enough to make friends in the right places. People were depending on you.

Jinyoung hadn’t merely chosen a career, he had chosen a life.

A very lonely life.

Whenever his mother would call him and try to have a casual chat, Jinyoung would find himself irritated. Who cared whether Mrs. Lee from the grocery store was giving a discount on strawberry bread? What did it matter if Mr. Cha had been trying to sell his little farmland? There was important work to be done. Jinyoung needed to talk to the advertising agents to make sure his products were being launched properly, he needed to negotiate discounts with suppliers to ensure he could meet the planned pricing goals. There were employees relying on him. There were investors who had trusted him with their money. There were quarterly goals that had to be met.

Every second of Jinyoung’s time was precious. Why couldn’t everyone understand that? Why couldn’t his mother stop thinking that her tiny little world in this tiny little town was everything, and understand the importance of what her son was doing?

There are a limited number of hours every man has at his disposal. We each make a conscious choice regarding how to spend each one.

It was only now, standing in front of your mother’s grave, that Jinyoung came a terrifying realization.

He had made the wrong choices.

------

“It was heart failure,” Mrs. Park whispered.

Jinyoung’s hands clutched the cup of tea firmly. It was hot and uncomfortable, but not more than the sick feeling in his stomach. Every word his mother spoke made him feel more pathetic.

What had he been doing all those months while your mother was in hospital and when she’d died? Preparing for his company to go public? Sitting in meetings and sucking up to corporate officials? Only to be fired and thrown out of the company. Only to have missed the death of somebody who had trusted him and cared for him.

“But she couldn’t have been that old…” Jinyoung muttered.

Mrs. Park shook her head softly. “She’d always had a weak heart, Jinyoung. Her health was fragile and after her husband passed away she had no choice but to work to support her daughter. All those long hours and late nights for years… they took their toll in the end. She had her first stroke three years ago. She was in hospital for a few weeks and then she had the second one; the one that took her life.”

Jinyoung closed his eyes, remembering your mother in his mind’s eye.

“She always looked tired. And worried.”

“She was.” Mrs. Park reached out and placed a hand over her son’s nervously. “I’m sorry, Jinyoung. I should have told you about it sooner. But you were always so busy in Seoul, always doing important things. It never seemed like the right time to tell you about something so devastating. It’s my fault.”

Jinyoung let out a small scoff. “Don’t take the blame on yourself. That doesn’t help me.”

Mrs. Park looked upset. “Jinyoung-”

She was interrupted by a loud knocking at the front door. Jinyoung closed his eyes and pressed his fingers to his temple while he listened to his father go to the door and yell at the person on the other side. The reporters had already found his home address. They had started arriving one-by-one since this morning. Each of them desperately wanted an interview with Park Jinyoung, the man who had lost his empire overnight. They wanted to know what he had to say about his dismissal from his own company.

Mr. Park re-entered the living room and sighed. “They’re getting more persistent. I think I should call the local police before they start trying to shove their way into our house.”

Jinyoung nodded and stood up. “I’ll go down to the police station myself and ask them to send someone to deal with this harrassment. Mom, you’ve told everyone we know to deny any reporters who request them for an interview, right?”

“Yes, but is it really a good idea for you to be going outside now-”

“I think I’ll lose my mind if I stay indoors,” Jinyoung muttered. He grabbed the black hoodie that was slung over the back of the sofa and glanced at his parents. They were both looking at him with wide, worried eyes.

Jinyoung felt a sudden wave of guilt wash over him; why should they have to deal with so much because of his mistakes? Why was he always the one taking and yet never giving?

“I’m sorry,” he apologized softly. “I’ll try and be back for dinner.”

------

Jinyoung’s legs carried him naturally towards the elementary school.

Perhaps it was a subconscious urge to see you, even though he had no idea what he would say if you really appeared before him. Anything Jinyoung could have said to help should have been said three years ago. Words like I’m sorry seemed like an insensitive joke at this point; too little and far too late.

Jinyoung sat silently on the bench by the schoolyard with his face covered by his dark hoodie, and wondered how his life had brought him to this point.

Left with nothing with shame.

“Ahjussi!”

By the time Jinyoung looked up, there was already a tiny figure running straight towards him at full speed. He flinched and braced himself for the impact; only to have the small boy stop centimetres away from him and throw his arms around him happily. Jinyoung stiffened.

“What-”

“Ahjussi, you are Park Jinyoung!” Ki-woo cried delightedly. The boy was beaming. Jinyoung noticed for the first time that one of his front teeth was missing, but it was still one of the brightest smiles he had ever seen. “Miss told me yesterday! Why did you lie and say you weren't? I can’t believe the King of the Playground walked me home after school and I didn’t even know!”

Jinyoung couldn’t resist a small smile. The sight of the little boy bouncing on his feet warmed him for a moment and he patted Ki-woo on the head. “If somebody asked Clark Kent if he was Superman, he wouldn’t say yes, now would he?”

Ki-woo’s eyes widened in understanding. “Wow. That’s so true! You’re so cool!”

“You’ll have to keep my secret.”

“Of course I will! Ahjussi, can you tell me how you did it? How did you manage to climb the oak tree?” Ki-woo demanded, grabbing Jinyoung’s arm and tugging on it eagerly. “You have to tell me, you just have to! Were you really tall?”

Jinyoung blinked. “Tall? Not particularly…”

“Then how? How did you do it?”

Jinyoung opened his mouth to respond but he was cut off by a loud yell. He had been so preoccupied with Ki-woo that he hadn’t noticed the much larger man that was making his way across the school yard. Jackson Wang had a huge smile on his face and without greeting, he threw his arms around Jinyoung in a fierce hug.

“Park Jinyoung! Look who finally decided to grace us with his presence!” Jackson cried happily. He pulled back and noticed the blank look on Jinyoung’s face. With a frown, he pointed to himself eagerly. “Remember me? Jackson! Jackson Wang! You used to pass me all the answers in History class!”

Jinyoung swallowed. “Uh…”

“Mr. Wang, you’re friends with Park Jinyoung?” Ki-woo asked, his mouth gaping open.

Jackson blinked and looked down at the boy sheepishly. “Ah, Ki-woo. I didn’t see you down there. Didn’t your teacher tell you to wait inside until someone came to pick you up? Go back indoors now.”

Ki-woo pouted. “But-”

“Nope. Back inside. Now.”

Jackson waited until Ki-woo began to slouch back towards the school building and then turned back to Jinyoung. “Man, you’re pretty much the celebrity around these parts now, eh? We had a couple of reporters come by the school this morning, asking for anyone who used to know you. You have nothing to worry about! I scared them off. These babies aren’t here for nothing,” Jackson beamed and flexed his bare bicep.

Jinyoung didn’t really know how to respond. “Nice.”

Jackson narrowed his eyes. “You do remember me, right?”

“Yeah, yeah, of course-”

“We should get drinks sometime and catch up now that you’re back in town! Man, I really owe you. You did me a solid one that Christmas before you left, remember? I’ll buy you a couple of beers at the pub. What’s your phone number?” Jackson demanded.

“I don’t really have a phone right now…”

“Don’t have a phone?” Jackson looked confused. “Weird but okay. I guess I can always ask Miss First Grade to get in touch with you. I can’t believe she didn’t tell me you were back in town!” he cried, slapping Jinyoung’s arm playfully. “Hold on… you’re here to see her, aren’t you?”

Jinyoung cleared his throat. “Not exactly…”

Jackson chuckled knowingly. “No worries, man. I’ve got your back. I need to go inside and take care of the kids now, so I’ll tell her to come out and meet you here, yeah? Let me know if any more of those reporters come around. I’ll take handle them for you!”

Jinyoung forced a smile. “Thanks-”

“No problem, man. It’s what friends are for. We’ll catch up soon!”

“Sure.”

Jinyoung watched Jackson half-run back to the school building, letting out a sigh of relief. Each person he came across in this town seemed to remember something about him and the one who possessed the most dangerous knowledge was Jackson Wang. In addition to having been the resident supplier of inappropriate magazines and the one who’d convinced Jinyoung to try his first cigarette behind the park back in high school, Jackson simply knew a little too much about everybody.

Jinyoung sat down on the bench and took a deep breath. He just realized that Jackson had said he would send you out to meet him. Why hadn’t he told him not to? He wasn’t prepared to face you. Idiot.

It was a few minutes before you emerged from the school building and walked towards Jinyoung. There was a pleasant smile on your face as you approached, and it made Jinyoung’s stomach turn. How could you smile at him like that? How could you be so calm about everything?

“Jinyoung,” you greeted him, confused. “Should you be roaming around out here? There are reporters buzzing all around town.”

Jinyoung cleared his throat. “Uh. Yeah, I know. Jackson said he drove them away...”

You rolled your eyes. “That idiot Jackson Wang? He was fully prepared to seize his five minutes of fame by telling them how you used to help him cheat in History class. I had to step in and force him to deny the request for an interview,” you muttered. Jinyoung’s eyes widened and you gave him a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry. I sent a message to the principal of the middle school and the high school. Nobody’s going to give any interviews about you.”

Jinyoung felt small.

“Thanks,” he muttered.

“Did they find your house?”

“Yeah. They’ve been knocking the door all day. It’s really starting to bother Mom and Dad.”

Your expression was sympathetic. “Should I call the police?”

“Don’t worry. I was going to go down to the station myself and ask them to send someone to get rid of the reporters,” Jinyoung reassured you. He felt his heartbeat thump wildly as he looked at your gently smiling face. Should he say it? Should he talk about the elephant in the room? Even though he hadn’t prepared what to say?

“About… about last night…”

You blinked. “Yeah?”

He sighed. “About your mother. I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I know that’s no excuse, but I should have been there and-”

You cut him off with a forced smile. “Jinyoung. It’s okay. It’s not like you could have done anything for her even if you were here, you’re not a doctor. Everyone did the best they could.”

Jinyoung swallowed. “I might not have been able to help her. But… I should have been there for you.”

The smile dropped from your face. What could you say? Jinyoung’s eyes were filled with shame but it wasn’t the right time for him to be offering condolences. That time had long passed.

But you still remembered his words from last night as he’d hugged you. I don’t feel as alone when I’m here. Jinyoung had been through so much. How could you say anything to such a broken man except for it’s okay? How could you offer him anything but comfort when he had nobody but you?

How could you not be the bigger person when he was suffering?

“It’s fine, Jinyoung,” you promised him softly. “You don’t need to worry about it.”

“How can I not-”

“Seriously. Please. It’s in the past and nobody was to blame. It happened around the time your company was going public, so I can only imagine how chaotic your life and work must have been back then. I don’t resent you.”

Jinyoung looked up at you in disbelief. “How can you not?”

“I just… don’t. It’s fine.”

“Do you really mean that? Do you really mean that?” he demanded.

“I do,” you insisted firmly. You glanced at your watch and sighed. “Wow, it’s getting late. We have a PTA fundraiser at school tonight so I need to start setting up. Oh! Did you bring my bicycle by any chance?” you asked him hopefully.

Jinyoung shook his head. “Uh, no. The reporters were in front of my house so I slipped out through the back…”

“Can you drop it by the school later? I’m going to staying back pretty late because I have to wrap up after the event is over. It might even take till midnight and the buses stop running at 9 so I need a way to get home. It’s not too much trouble, is it?”

“No, that’s fine. I’ll drop it off here later.”

You gave him a small smile as you turned to go back indoors. “Bye, Jinyoung.”

“Bye.”

---------------------------

The PTA fundraiser left you drained of energy.

You would much rather have dealt with a hundred kids at once than with a handful of parents. At least kids could be made to see reason, they could be convinced with a little bit of logic (however flawed). Adults, on the other hand, believed that they knew best and that things had to be done exactly the way they wanted. Adults were unreasonable. Adults liked to throw around their authority.

You had never wanted to get into bed so badly.

You stayed back late to clean up after the fundraiser was over. It wasn’t required of you, but it was something that you somehow ended up volunteering to do. All the other teachers had families to go home to and kids to take care of. You only had an empty apartment.

Asking them to stay back instead of you felt selfish.

You slung your bag over your shoulder and trudged out into the parking lot to see that the bicycle racks were empty. Shit. Had Jinyoung forgotten to leave the bicycle behind for you? Where was he?

You pulled out your cell phone and then sighed. Damn Park Jinyoung. He didn’t even have a stupid phone. It was far past the time that Mr. and Mrs. Park would have gone to bed and you didn't want to wake them by calling them. But your apartment was too far to walk and you would have to pass by the pub; you had no interest in meeting the town’s drunkards alone in those narrow alleys  at midnight.

You sighed and dialled another number.

“Jackson, hey. I’m so sorry, I know you just left a little while ago, but…”

-------------------

It was 1am when you heard a loud banging on your front door.

You had just finished taking a shower and were getting ready to slip into bed when the noise began. Your heartbeat racing, you grabbed hold of a kitchen knife quickly and then slowly approached your door.

“Who’s there?” you yelled out, voice shaking.

The voice that replied was muffled. “Jinyoung!”

Jinyoung? At this time of night?

You opened the door carefully. The first thing that hit you was the awful smell; Jinyoung stank of sweat and cheap beer. His eyes were red and his face flushed as he looked at you almost wildly.

“Are you okay?” he demanded, grabbing your shoulders to look at you properly. His hands were trembling and he seemed unaware of how loud his voice was. “Are you all right? I was looking for you everywhere!”

You raised an eyebrow at him. “Wow, you’re drunk.”

Jinyoung’s eyes widened. “I’m sorry- I’m so, so, sorry-”

“How about you come inside before you bring my neighbours running over with all of your noise?” you snapped. You had little patience for drunks, and knowing that Jinyoung had been out getting drunk instead of returning your bicycle did not please you. “Where have you been?”

Jinyoung stared at you helplessly, his arms waving around as he spoke. “I-I was just going to get one drink, I swear. But it led to another and I totally forgot about your bike and I was so scared that you might have walked home because I know that path passes by the pub and it’s not safe-”

“Relax,” you told Jinyoung as you guided him gently towards your couch. “I didn't walk. I called Jackson, he drove me home.”

“Jackson? Wang? Why? Are you guys close?” he asked, plopping down heavily on the couch.

You shrugged. “He’s a good friend.”

Jinyoung paused for a moment and then hung his head quietly.

“We used to be good friends.”

You looked down at Jinyoung properly. He was a wreck. His dark hair was a tangled mess and the light blue dress shirt he was wearing was wrinkled with a beer stain on it. There were even large sweat stains under his arms; he’d probably cycled all the way here in a panic.

And he’s one of the Most Eligible Bachelors under 40. If only the magazine had seen him like this.

“We’re still friends,” you told him lightly. “Although it wouldn’t do any harm to return my bicycle when I ask for it. Do you want a glass of water?”

Jinyoung blinked at you dazedly. “Do you have beer?”

“Absolutely not. Haven’t you had enough?”

His lower lip pouted slightly as he stared down at the floor. “I’ve been drinking all evening but I haven’t reached the point where I feel good or forget about my problems yet. In fact, I keep thinking about them even more. How about a cigarette?”

“You will not smoke in my house,” you told him with a firm glare.

To your surprise, Jinyoung suddenly smiled. It was only a gentle curve of his lips but you spotted it and frowned at him with your arms folded across your chest. “Are you feeling proud of yourself right now? Do you think your behaviour is something to laugh about?” you demanded.

Jinyoung looked up at you softly. “No.”

“Then why are you-”

“Because this is the first time you’ve given me that look since I came back,” Jinyoung admitted quietly. His voice trembled. “This is the first time you got angry at me. You don’t seem to get angry at me anymore.”

You didn’t understand. “Why would you want me to be angry at you-”

“Because you have to be angry with someone before you can forgive them. You have to first admit that they hurt you or that they did something wrong, and only then can you begin to repair your relationship,” Jinyoung whispered. He looked up at you and you could see the tears brimming in his eyes. “So tell me honestly. Have you forgiven me already?”

You swallowed. “I was never mad at you to begin with-”

“You’re lying.”

You clenched your fists as your heartbeat thudded. “I’m not lying. You’re drunk. You should drink some water and you can sleep on the couch-”

Jinyoung looked up at you, his eyes bloodshot yet surprisingly clear. “You are lying. Either you’re lying or you’re not the same girl I remember.”

“Why would you say that?”

“Because the girl I knew wouldn’t have pretended to forgive a friend to spare his feelings. She would have grabbed me by the shirt, looked me in the eye, and said Park Jinyoung, you’re an absolute bastard for leaving me here when I was having a hard time. She wouldn’t have spared my feelings. She would have expected me to be there for her because that’s what friends do. They count on each other.”

You closed your eyes. How had Jinyoung seen right through you? Even after 10 years, how could he see through you like you were made of glass?

“I’m not angry,” you tried to tell him slowly, even though you weren’t sure who you were convincing anymore. “Because I never expected you to be there. You were busy and I had no expectations-”

Jinyoung scoffed. “You’re lying again.”

“I’m not-”

“You are. Friendship is when you help someone, because you trust that they would do the same for you. What you’re doing for me isn’t friendship. You don’t trust me anymore. If you have no expectations from me, then that’s charity!” Jinyoung spat out. Tears were brimming in his eyes and his voice was choked. “Is that what I am to you? Charity?”

You clenched your fists and let out a small, humourless laugh. “I can’t believe I’m hearing this.”

“What?”

“Where the fuck do you get off accusing me of treating you like charity? After what you did?” you snapped.

Jinyoung stared at you blankly. “Tell me.”

Your throat closed up. You didn’t want to talk about it. You didn’t want to drag yourself back to what had been the lowest point of your life, especially not in front of Jinyoung. You didn’t know who he was to you anymore. How could you open up to him?

“I can’t,” you muttered. “I don’t want to talk about it, Jinyoung.”

“Please,” Jinyoung whispered. “Please. At least tell me I was a terrible friend for not being there. Tell me I was a terrible friend for not even knowing about your mother.”

You took a deep breath and sat down, your knees feeling weak. You had never imagined that you would have to sit next to Jinyoung and say these words to him while he was drunk. Yet, as his dark eyes pierced into yours, he looked more sober than ever.

“It was my fault she died,” you whispered, shakily. “I know how hard my Mom worked to raise me. I know how much she struggled after my Dad passed away. The doctor told me her heart attack was probably caused by stress- years of it. She was growing old but she’d never even gone for a health check-up because we couldn’t afford it.”

Jinyoung stared at you silently.

“I needed someone to say this to back then,” you admitted quietly. “I needed someone who would listen to me and who wouldn’t try to convince me that it wasn’t my fault or that I didn't do anything wrong. That’s what everyone kept doing. They kept trying to comfort me but I just wanted someone who would listen. I wanted you,” you mumbled.

Jinyoung only nodded. His hands reached out to take both of yours. He grasped them tightly.

“I knew you were busy, but I always had this hope that maybe you would come to the funeral,” you whispered. “I thought… surely, whatever I did to make you cut me off, it wasn’t so bad that you wouldn't even turn up to my mother’s funeral. But the truth was that I couldn’t grieve properly because the hospital was hounding me about the bills, I…”

You took a deep breath. You hated thinking about those moments. You had felt so helpless and alone, backed into a corner. “I don’t think it even sank in that my mother was dead until a few days later,” you mumbled. “ I spent the first day wondering how the hell I was going to pay the hospital bills instead of thinking about her. Your mother tried comforting me, she told me it would all be fine and that she would call you for help.”

Jinyoung closed his eyes; tears were clinging to his eyelashes.

“She did,” he mumbled.

You felt the walls around you come crashing down as you looked at the broken man in front of you. You remembered how badly you’d wanted to see him then, how much you’d craved his comfort. You remembered how furious you had been when you realized that Jinyoung had abandoned you.

“I thought you would call,” you mumbled. “I didn’t want to disturb you but at the same time I trusted that you wouldn’t leave me alone at a time like that.”

Jinyoung’s voice was soft. “I’m sorry.”

“It would have been better if you hadn't done anything at all,” you mumbled. “Maybe then I could have forgotten about it in the mess that I was going through. But you didn’t. I got a call from your secretary the night before the funeral.”

Jinyoung lowered his head. His hands were trembling even as they held yours and you could hear his soft sniffle. “Shit,” he muttered, his voice thick with tears. “Shit, I can’t believe-”

“I thought you’d finally called. But it wasn’t you. I had to hear some strange woman tell me over the phone that Park Jinyoung is sorry he can’t make it to the funeral but he sends his condolences,” you choked out. You smiled humorlessly. “As if I was some distance acquaintance you barely knew. You sent me your condolences through your secretary.”

“I didn’t- I didn’t know it was you…”

“And then she told me that if I would just email her a copy of the hospital and funeral bills then all the expenses would be taken care of,” you mumbled. “She said that she could send me as much as I needed, no limit. I was so embarrassed. I wanted-I wanted to tell her that you could go fuck yourself and that I didn’t want your condolences and your money. I wanted to refuse so badly, but…”

You hung your head in shame. “But I couldn’t,” you whispered. “I couldn’t say that to her because it was true. I had no other way of paying those bills. So I sent her the details and I let you pay for them. Whether you know it or not, you paid for all my mother’s hospital bills and funeral while I sat here and wondered how I had become such a worthless daughter.”

Jinyoung’s hands clasped yours so tightly that it hurt. His shoulders were shaking and you could see the sobs racking his chest. “I didn’t mean to-” he sobbed. Jinyoung’s tears landed on your clasped hands. “I didn’t mean to, I swear…”

You slowly removed your hands from his. “I have the accounts,” you muttered. “I’ve been saving up to pay you back. It might take me a few more years but-”

Jinyoung flinched. “Don’t say that.”

“It’s not open to discussion, Jinyoung.”

“Don’t say you’ll pay me back, please-”

“I will pay you back,” you said firmly. You took a deep breath. “You know why? Because I might be able to forgive you for not being there when I needed you. But I will never, never forget how cheap I felt the moment I ended that phone call. So don’t talk to me about charity; I know how it feels to be on the other end of it.”

Jinyoung closed his eyes. He felt light-headed and blank as he thought about everything you’d said. No wonder you didn’t consider him a friend. No wonder you couldn't bring yourself to be honest with him. No wonder there was something fake and forced about your every smile.

Jinyoung hadn’t just messed up.

He had destroyed something precious to him without even realizing it.

“It’s late,” you mumbled after a brief silence. “You should go to sleep. Here, just; make yourself comfortable on the couch and I’ll get you a blanket and some pillows.”

Jinyoung swallowed. “I-I can’t…”

“You’re not going anywhere at this time of night while you’re drunk,” you told him. You pushed him lightly so that he leaned back against the sofa. “Stay put. I’ll be back. I think we’ve talked enough for tonight.”

“Can you just promise me one thing?” Jinyoung asked quietly.

“What’s that?”

“Even if you don’t consider me your friend anymore, even if you’re just being nice to me because you’re that kind of a caring person… don’t give up on me completely.” Jinyoung looked up at you desperately. “Please. Tell me that I can fix things. Tell me I haven’t broken our friendship and my life beyond repair.”

You looked down at him. Lying on your couch in his crumpled dress shirt and the beer stains, Jinyoung looked pathetic. Perhaps it was because you’d finally let out all the resentment you’d been bottling up for so long. Perhaps it was because, looking into Jinyoung’s eyes now, you could see that he did care. But you suddenly didn’t feel so hollow anymore.

You didn’t feel so lonely in your pain.

“Everything can be fixed, Jinyoung,” you told him softly.

“Even us?” he mumbled.

You nodded. “Even us.”

“Even me?”

“Especially you.”

Jinyoung slowly closed his eyes and you went into the other room to get him a spare pillow and a blanket. He let you place the pillow under his head and snuggled into the soft blanket. You turned to switch off the light when you heard him mumble.

“You know something?”

“What, Jinyoung?”

“I thought that the most unbearable thing about being fired from the company was all the effort I’d put into it. I thought I couldn’t bear it because I’d done so much for it for the years,” he said slowly.

You blinked at his curled up figure under the blanket.

“But it’s not?” you asked.

Jinyoung shook his head. “It’s not how much I’ve done for the company that I can’t bear. It’s how much I sacrificed for it.”

-------------------

[papistark]

Okay. I’ve allowed a night to let everything sink in. I’m ready to talk about Endgame now.

*cinemasins voice* spoilers!! (duh..)

so the wounds are still fresh. v v v v v v v v v fresh. but my thoughts during the entire movie were just OMG IM TRYING TO REMEMBER EVERY SINGLE THING THAT IS HAPPENING SO I CAN REMEMBER IT AS LONG AS POSSIBLE BEFORE i inevitably go see this movie again

This is what the movie reduce me to like 99% of the time btw

now, I’m gonna try and break this up to be as organized as possible into 4 main sections which will be general thoughts, the highs, the lows, and closing thoughts. that may sound organized but I promise it won’t be and as always I’ll have to use bullet holes to even stay relatively "organized"

I'm sure I'm leaving stuff out that I either loved or would wanna discuss but tbh the ENTIRE FILM i was just like GOD I WANNA REMEMBER THIS FOREVER!! Every scene that happened i was like god there's still 3 hours of stuff that's going to happen but I want to remember it all!!!

Overall

this movie was good. and i’m mad it was so good and i found it so enjoyable for how dirty they did me. The pacing was pretty well done for a first viewing, but I'm sure after a couple rewatches I'll get caught up on the occasional misstep in the pacing and general direction the story took, but I really liked it!!

I thought the Thor stuff was kinda distasteful and honestly a joke that ran too long. Like ha ha okay we get it but also? He went through so much fucking trauma can we just lay off him? Damn? I don't wanna linger too much on it bc honestly the more I think about it the more I get upset the russos did him dirty

all the callbacks??? made me so emotional????? eleven years and almost two dozen films guys holy fucking shit it felt like such a good homage to bring stuff back

Yo literally when they went up to busted ass thanos i leaned over to my bf and whispered "are they just gonna kill thanos in the first ten minutes is that allowed" and uh YEP! WOW

Also the opening scene being Clint's family getting dusted... gasps in my theater y'all they went in hard on us

TIME HEIST!!!!!! FUCK marvel knows how to take you on a fun journey!! The concept was so fun!!

I also appreciate them mixing up the plot a bunch to keep us guessing!! Like fuck, when Thanos was finding out through Nebula... future nebula talking to past gamora i was SO SOFT... sisters...

Hulk was... weird. It felt a weird kind of fanservicey for a little bit, and honestly a little out of place? But. Eh. Wasn't the worst part. Certain parts of it were fun! I think I got used to it haha

Everyone looked. So good. After the time jump. Damn. Thank you make up department for everyone's new looks. I live for silver fox tony always.

I loved seeing Loki again i know it was so little content BUT I DONT CARE I'LL ALWAYS LOVE MY FUCKING PRINCE

We didn't get as much Nebula and Tony content as I was hoping but god it was so cute and tender in the beginning. Imagine all that bonding. Nebula finding tony on the floor, knowing he's on the brink of death, and propping him up in the seat :'(((( tony helping fix nebula :(((( the father daughter relationship we deserved and didn't get to see come to fruition.

AMERICA'S ASS. THANK YOU SCOTT LANG.

All the New York flash back was so fucking fun. The elevator scene. Brilliant. I really thought they were gonna recreate but it was such a fun tease. Also cap making fun of his past self for saying "i could do this all day" I SCREAM why do the Russo's get steve so well

Carol taking a direct punch in the face from Thanos without even flinching? We stan a goddess

ALSO SHORT HAIRED CAROL YESSSS I LIVED!!!!! YES!!!! (But also that movie could've used like way more Carol thats just mY OPINION)

Also AGAIN, I DON'T CARE THAT IT WAS FAN SERVICE, STEVE WEILDING MJOLNIR WAS E V E R Y T H I N G. They have TEASED US since that one middle avengers movie we don't talk about that he was worthy and!!! Our!! Son!! Is!! Fucking!!! Worthy. And the scene of thor making him swap w/ him "you get the little one" i screamed bitch

also I was living for how much Steve swore in this film lol literally fuck joss Whedon's characterization we don't know her!

Valkyrie on a Pegasus thank you THANK YOU i was living

That entire final action scene..... holy fucking shit y'all. It was just crazy enough without being too crazy. I loved the callback to the original long continuous shot

THE HEAVENS OPENED UP AND SANG WITH THAT A-FORCE SCENE. YES. ALL THE MARVEL LADIES LINING UP. THEY ARE HERE AND THEY ARE THE STRONGEST OF US ALL. A-FORCE. FUCKING A-FORCE. Thank you Russo's for my LIFE

Carol's little "hi peter parker :)" god i love them. I love peter. My fucking spider son. I missed him so much. I missed Tom Holland's sweet peach little face AH I CRIED WHEN HE SHOWED BACK UP

Also last kind of ~general~ thought i know i don't get time travel at all and it is an instant way to confuse me in any franchise but wouldn't steve doing what he did fuck literally everything up idk we'll get to steve in a bit

Highs

morgan

H.

fucking

stark

I CAN’T BELIEVE I GOT FED WITH SUCH GOOD TONY CONTENT THIS FILM ONLY FOR THEM TO STOMP ON MY HEART LMAOOO

DAD TONY BEING AS LOVING AND DOTING AND SWEET AND TENDER W/ HIS DAUGHTER AS WE ALL HAVE HEADCANONED HIM TO BE FOR YEARS!!!

TONY GETTING HIS JUSTIFICATION IN BEING MAD not just mad but PISSED at Cap for how everything fell out. catharsis. felt good scoob.

speaking of good tony content of course i need to just take a moment to YELL ABOUT STONY thank you russos for the fan service thank you for having tony ogle and comment on steve rogers’ ass it almost makes up for all the pain and suffering

btw do y’all think the H. for Morgan’s middle name stands for Harley because I LIKE TO THINK SO

also am i lowkey annoyed that like half of viewers won’t recognize an adult ty simpkin at tony’s funeral at the end even tho i know i shouldn't be because ot everyone is a die hard BUT half the articles im looking up for reviews and shit of that scene literally all the results are “SO WHO IS THAT KID AT THE END OF ENDGAME” YOU FUCKING FOOLS IT’S TONY’S FIRST BORN SON HARLEY KEENER FROM IRON MAN 3. FUCKS. im getting off topic anyway i was just happy they brought him back because I am an iron man 3 enthusiast and his relationship with tony was SO important and this confirms that at the very least tony kept in contact with him over all these years!!! and he wasn’t just some insignificant blip

Not to be stony on main but steve being the first person to hold Tony again once he was back on earth :)))) wrow.

Also the first thing tony telling him being "I lost the kid" WOW BREAK MY HEART MORE HUH!! WHY NOT!!

The first thing Peter doing when he saw Tony again :'') just rambling about everything that happened and tony just so happy to see him alive and hugging him so tight I'M NOT FINE!! NOTHING WILL EVER BE FINE AGAIN!!!

I appreciated the closure with Howard like?? A lot?? I'm the last person to be a Howard stark apologist, but I think his character and his relationship w/ Tony and how Tony viewed him as a father and as a man was so well crafted throughout the series??? Idk I liked that scene it was good to my baby.

And now a pOSSIBLY CONTROVERSIAL~~ opinion but..... I loved Steve's ending. I really did. I thought he got a beautiful and fitting ending and I was so happy. It meant so much especially to hear his reasonging being that in a way, he did it for Tony. He was inspired by what Tony told him. He saw Tony get his happy ending and for so many films now Steve has been searching for that and he missed an entire life. Tony helped him realize that. It just made me!! So emo!! Like Bucky's face when he knew Steve wasn't gonna be coming back. Steve's last convo w/ Sam. It was just amazing. I can't believe I'm seeing hot takes from people calling Steve selfish or blaming the fact that the Russos have a boner for Steggy or whatever. Who cares!!! Steve got his happy ending and it was well deserved and a wonderful arc!! Lay off him bc you ship him w/ Bucky or tony more damn!!!! (Idk about the timeline y'all dont come for me i really have no idea i think the Russos just said fuck it for that one even when talking about not fucking up the timeline)

Lows

Natasha deserved better. She did. I understand why they took her character arc the way that they did, and honestly, this is the first time I've felt we've seen Natasha have even a modicum of actual character traits since like, Iron man 2 and Avengers 1. She found purpose in keeping the family together and trying to help the people left living, while never stopping or losing contact with anyone else in their endeavors to fix what Thanos broke. As tired as I am of seeing a female character die for ~man pain~ this felt like so much more than that. In the end Nat wanted to sacrifice herself for the greater good, and that's what she did. I'm still fucking upset though, even though they've butchered her character across almost all the films she's been in

Thor being turned into an entire fucking joke. That's it. I got nothin left for the writers at this point.

So..... let's talk about Tony's death, shall we

"You can rest now" broke me. It truly did. I've never loved any fictional character across any medium as much as I have loved Tony Stark. But Pepper's line at the beginning "you'll sleep, but will you rest?" Is so fucking telling. I think I immediately knew for sure in that moment. Because she's right. And that's the worst part.

Peter :)))) finally :)))) calling :))))) tony :)))) by :)) his :)))) first :)) name :))) as he was dying :)))) asking him not to go the same way he told tony he didn't want to go when he was getting dusted GOD. AND WE THOUGHT THAT SCENE IN INFINITY WAR WAS ROUGH. HAD N O T H I N G ON THIS.

No offense but where was Rhodey when Tony was dying lmao ok

That funeral scene.... seeing everyone there drawn together..... god. It was beautiful. It really was.

Of course I'm not happy. I'm extremely fucking upset. I knew tony wielding the gauntlet would be coming, but I thought they would find a way for him to make it out alive. As soon as they were showing that even the hulk couldn't handle it with the gamma radiation, I knew the nail was going to be in the coffin.

All that aside... what I can say, is that if they HAD to kill him off, I think it was a proper send off. We saw so many arcs of Tony's come to a close, and I knew it was just a matter of time. Also that being said, I really don't believe in death being necessary to end a character's arc. Yeah yeah blah blah we get the sad and tragic but TRUE message that at the end of the day death is inevitable and that tony had to sacrifice himself for the greater good. He and Strange both knew it, and as soon as Strange held up that finger I knew that was it for him.

It wouldn't be so hard if they hadn't given us everything they did with tony after the 5 year jump. He healed. He was HAPPY. But pepper was right, and as long as Tony was alive... he would never truly /rest/. And that's the only way I'm able to make peace with this death. Tony has always been a character who was just going going going, never going to stop even if it killed him, all to protect the ones he loved, and protect the whole world and make it a better place. He had a beautiful story that was told so well over these past eleven years, with admitted shortcomings here and there. He had the most cohesive trilogy films, the best character development and arcs, and an incredible portrayal. I'm grateful for it, but that doesn't make it any easier that they decided to go and show us that Tony was able to FINALLY settle down with Pepper and see him find the best version of himself as a husband to her and a father to his little baby girl. A baby girl that now has to grow up without her dad, and pepper has to go on without her husband, the love of her life. It's fucking tragic and honestly, we didn't need that imho lmao

The hardest parts is that like.... idk. I feel like the only reason they killed him is for shock factor, but somehow without the shock? A lot of us felt or were worried that this was coming. I think the russos and co. We're just totally set on the idea that like... tony HAD to die and that was the only way for this arc to come to a close not just WITHIN the universe, but meta, outside of the MCU as well. They did the same thing with Hugh jackman as Logan and that shit HURTED me y'all. Eleven years we had RDJ give us this amazing character and he is the SOLE reason the MCU is where it is today. So you know what, the Russo's and everyone can circle jerk about how much ~poetic justice~ there is in this ending for Tony, but at the end of the day... it just ain't it fam.

Realistically I know after wielding the infinity stones there is no way Tony, a human, could've survived, even with his armor on. I knew that. And as biased as I am towards seeing Tony living, if he had wielded the stones and NOT died? It would've felt cheap. So again, if they had to end his life, I appreciate the way they did it and thought it was the best send off they could've given him. I also would've appreciated some kind of alternate option where oh i dont know carol or someone strong enough could've handled the snap and tony could live the rest of his days with his wife and daughter and found family but..... ig that's just me huh.

:(((( Happy asking Morgan what she wanted and her saying "cheeseburgers" SHE'S JUST LIKE HER DADDY I AM SO!!! UPSET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And last thought is that I fucking cried AGAIN because the biggest applause moment was during the credits when RDJ's name appeared. My theater gave a standing damn ovation. Also the very last sound after it faded to black... Tony hammering away, building the very first Iron Man suit.... that shit hurted.

If any of y'all read this and wanna yell about stuff w/ me I WELCOME YOU INTO MY DMS LMAO PLS MESSAGE ME I NEED MORE PEOPLE TO CRY WITH!!!

[beccaboosthings]

1-65 for the odd asks💛

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

Idk if I’m just tired or what, but idk what this means lol

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

Maybe like a 2?

3. The person you would never want to meet?

Trump

4. What is your favorite word?

Idk about it being my favorite but my cousin reminded me that flabbergasted was a word today, so theres that

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

Mapel

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

“wow I look like shit”

7. What shirt are you wearing?

A 2016 Homecoming shirt my mom had to wear because she works at a school

8. What do you label yourself as?

Some weird Bi girl who knows more about fictional worlds then the real one

9. Bright room or dark room?

Dark

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

Watching Netflix wile and trying not to wake up my bff

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

I’m going to have to say maybe age 7? Life was just so much easier

12. Who told you they loved you last?

My gf :)

13. Your worst enemy?

Some bitch I used to be best friends with. I cant stand them

14. What is your current desktop picture?

This

15. Do you like someone?

yes

6. The last song you listened to?

High Hopes by P!ATD

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

Idk lol

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

The person I hate

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

I dont like the concept as an actual “slave” but ya know when you are little and you make your sibling do stuff for you, I would want that

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

My hair. People always complain if their hair is strait or if its curly and they like the other, but my hair does both depending on what i do with it after I wash it

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

I would look like Dan Howell probably, and idk what I would do haha.

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

I dont think I have any

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

Being buried alive

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

Idk, I dont really eat sandwiches, I guess just pb&j, because childhood, ya know?

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

Right now? probably christmas presents 

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

London

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

I have no clue haha. Sorry Im boring, I also might be like half asleep right now but shhh

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

Acceptance for all, no matter race, gender, sexuality, ect, everyone is welcome and anyone who disagrees can get the fuck out

29. What is your favorite expletive?

Fuck

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

My phone. It has all of my pictures on it and what not

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

Family drama shit

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

I would move to london, or maybe paris lol

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

As long as she would be 100% healthy, My sister.

34. What was your last dream about?

I’m pretty sure it was my gf

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?

Idk what to put lol

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

Yes? I think? 

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

I did the other day. It was just a small one but it still counts

38. What is the color of your socks?

White and teal

39. What type of music do you like?

Pop, Pop punk, Rock, basically anything but rap and country

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

Sunsets

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

I dont really like milkshakes lol

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)

I dont pay any attention to sports lol

43. Do you have any scars?

Yes, I have more then I can count, i scar EXTREMELY easily 

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

Idk. I want to do something that ha to do with art

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

My mental health

46. Are you reliable?

yes

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

does it get better?

48. Do you hold grudges?

nope

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

a bird and a fish. does it have to be in the water? does it fly? who tf knows

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

Me and my dad once had the conversation of would different dog breeds taste different if you were to eat them?

51. Are you a good liar?

Sometimes. If i am strait up lying, not really, but if i am bull shitting my way through i could do it for hours

52. How long could you go without talking?

a few hours maybe. I mean i dont speak when I sleep so maybe 12?

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

I dont think i have had any bad ones

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

I do all the time

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

I can do a british one pretty decently 

56. What do you like on your toast?

either butter or peanut butter

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

flowers

58. What would be you dream car?

I like punch buggies so i can go around and see people wack each other haha

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

I just think way too much when i shower, thats why they take me like an hour haha

60. Do you believe in aliens?

Yes

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

Never

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

I have never thought about this before haha. May be A? Idk lol

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

Dragons

64. What do you think about babies?

They are cute as long as they arent crying and i dont have to deal with them

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.

Lol

[fuckdavestriderheistheworst-blog]

Avi's making me answer all of them so now you have to, too. All the ones no one else asks you.

why do i even reblog these things when i know one of you are gonna do this 

am i a masochist

I’ll try to give solid answers. 

1) Sexuality?

i dont know not straight but not gay and also probably not bi because i dont just look at people of both sexes and think “damn id tap that” 

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

ben stiller probably 

3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

i took vantas’ book because it became the one closest to me 

“’That is such a bizarre request I have to agree to do it.’“

4) What do you think about most?

what im doing with my life and why i picked the most unsteady and risky career choice ever and if ill end up fucked because of it

5) What does your latest text message from someone else say?

“We’re meeting at Think Coffee at four. Come with us.”

6) Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

usually with at least boxers on but sometimes naked

7) What’s your strangest talent?

i used to get into rap battles with kids in my high school class i like to think im talented enough to declare it a talent

8) Girls…. (finish the sentence); Boys…. (finish the sentence)

girls dont like boys girls like cars and money. boys will laugh at girls when theyre not funny

9) Ever had a poem or song written about you?

ive had a diss rap written about me on a few occasions if that counts

10) When is the last time you played the air guitar?

probably a year ago i dont keep track of my intense solo shower performances

11) Do you have any strange phobias?

i dont know if either of these count since they mostly just make me uncomfortable but silence bugs me and so does the solo sound of clockwork

12) Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

no but once i got a stick stuck up it because of someone else

13) What’s your religion?

athiest i guess? like i dont really believe in god or in any higher power otherwise wed have been snuffed out for being pieces of shit long ago

14) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

taking pictures or carryin a drink or running when its too damn early and too damn cold

15) Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

behind it for sure

16) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

that changes by the day. today a band i listened to a lot was son lux

17) What was the last lie you told?

that it was fine

18) Do you believe in karma?

only when im mad

19) What does your URL mean?

i mean

read it

20) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

i asked vantas and he said the answer to both is “my eagerness to please” which i dont know if i agree with but i dont have a better answer

21) Who is your celebrity crush?

who ISNT my celebrity crush is a better question

my favorites and the ones i would shit myself to meet in person are tom franco, ben stiller, and robert downey jr

22) Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

no and i dont really want to

23) How do you vent your anger?

i use it to be productive most of the time but if its anger on behalf of someone i smother the person i care about and try to forget my own feelings about it

24) Do you have a collection of anything?

cameras, picture frames, and vinyl records

25) Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

video chatting for sure

26) Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

im way happier with who i am than i was two years ago

27) What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

a clock ticking or someone tappin in time to the passage OF time

vantas’ laugh

28) What’s your biggest “what if”?

what if id never sent that anonymous message what if id just kept being who i was before

29) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

ghosts? psh fuck no. aliens? dude its a real thing aliens are real we have documented proof of it

30) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

wall on the right, vantas on the left

31) Smell the air. What do you smell?

nothing really? i mean i could sniff vantas and then say i smell him but i dont really smell anything

32) What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

im not sure i guess the hospital? nobody likes the hospital not even the staff

33) Choose East Coast or West Coast?

west coast

34) Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

god have you seen todays performers theyre all fuckin gorgeous

maybe selena gomez she has a cute face even if im not that into her music

35) To you, what is the meaning of life?

spend time with the people i care about and dont waste time on the people i dont

make them know theyre important

36) Define Art.

somebody expressing themselves and NOT bullshitting some deep and fake meaning onto somethin they didnt try with

37) Do you believe in luck?

not really

38) What’s the weather like right now?

its 60 degrees 

39) What time is it?

9pm

40) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

yes i drive and no ive never CRASHED but i did fuck up my tire rod and alignment once because i swerved to miss a dog if that counts as a crash

41) What was the last book you read?

a college textbook

42) Do you like the smell of gasoline?

not enough that id go huffin it but i definitely dont dislike it

43) Do you have any nicknames?

not technically i dont think

44) What was the last movie you saw?

black panther

45) What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

a concussion because of the amnesia that followed suit

46) Have you ever caught a butterfly?

yeah

47) Do you have any obsessions right now?

so theres this thing in northern new york called a garbage plate 

48) What’s your sexual orientation?

the same as #1

49) Ever had a rumor spread about you?

yeah and it sucked

50) Do you believe in magic?

no 

51) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

not if theyve done me wrong i dont particularly care that much about myself that id hate someone forever over something they did

52) What is your astrological sign?

saggitarius i think? im not sure i never keep up with horoscope stuff

53) Do you save money or spend it?

both 

54) What’s the last thing you purchased?

dinner 

55) Love or lust?

love

56) In a relationship?

yes and its a damn good one

57) How many relationships have you had?

more than 10 but less than 30

58) Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

no and i tried like a fucking IDIOT

59) Where were you yesterday?

school and also i had a meeting about my next job

60) Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

no

61) Are you wearing socks right now?

god no i dont like socks

62) What’s your favorite animal?

chameleon (but birds are really fucking cool)

63) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

answered

64) Where is your best friend?

right beside me

65) Spit or swallow?(;

swallow

66) What is your heritage?

white and i dont think i can expand upon that without being laughed at for BEING white

67) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

i dont want to say sleeping but i think i was sleeping

68) What do you think is Satan’s last name?

do angels and demons HAVE last names? im not versed enough to make an educated guess

69) Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

what kind of question is this doesnt EVERYBODY??

70) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

fuck no i wouldnt like me if i met me

71) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

i dont want to work for lucifer so id save the dog, spend the rest of my day off at the vet makin sure he got treated and then look for the owner

or keep him depending on how big the dog is

72) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

i wouldnt tell them right away i dont think but i dont think i could keep that from people i loved 

id spend the rest of those days doing everything i could to make sure everybody knows they were important to me and then i guess id write a will

i dont know if id be afraid because part of me doesnt want to die and the other part knows its inevitable and that i shouldnt waste time bein afraid of it because like it or not itll happen eventually

73) You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

god thats a hard choice but can you have a real meaningful love without trust? i guess id have to give up love

74) What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

noma - “brain power” 

its just impossible to not enjoy it or feel even a little pumped

75) What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

nope im not cool with this one i cant answer it i am too paranoid

76) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

trust, some sacrifice, and lots of late night talks over late bought dinners 

77) How can I win your heart?

answered

78) Can insanity bring on more creativity?

yeah but to a certain point the creativity just becomes finger painting with your own shit while proclaiming you are the MASTER of modern fine arts and wont take any less than three million for your masterpiece 

or you know having a tantrum about paint pigment ownership so profound that it marks you in history books as the worlds biggest art cunt 

79) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

to try and make friends with a jaded grouch

80) What size shoes do you wear?

10

81) What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

“buried naked without his rolex so dont even try”

82) What is your favorite word?

answered

83) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

soul

84) What is a saying you say a lot?

probably “its cool”

85) What’s the last song you listened to?

“alternate world” by son lux

86) Basic question; what’s your favorite color/colors?

red for sure

87) What is your current desktop picture?

one of those connect four memes 

its the pepperoni one but zoomed in on the pepperoni itself

88) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

no i do NOT want to kill anybody via explosion thats a shitty way to go 

hitler just in case

89) What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

“what are you afraid of”

90) One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

ask them politely to leave i guess? what the fuck kind of scenario is this night at the museum

91) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

1) totally unrealistic i would not eat vegetables without there being some other food group involved and 

2) i really dont want superpowers im not the hero type and never will be

maybe some way to freeze time that also includes bringing someone along to the frozen time zone because i never have enough time

92) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

the time i got to talk to robert zemeckis because i was fanboying so hard i barely registered half the shit he said and half the advice he gave

93) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

i wouldnt erase any bad experience thats just asking for a butterfly effect scenario

94) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

nobody because 1) i am happy in my current relationship and dont really want to sleep around and 2) do they not get a say in it

95) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

hawaii because its probably warm and comforting there i can buy vantas a second ticket if the first is free

96) Do you have any relatives in jail?

no

97) Have you ever thrown up in the car?

never thank fuck my cars interior costs more than i do

98) Ever been on a plane?

yeah a couple times

99) If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

you cant go back in time and correct any mistakes so do it right the first time or make things right after you fuck up 

dont dwell on the stuff that doesnt matter and spend time on the stuff that does

[saintapplebees]

everything you didnt already answer!

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?earlier while working on memorizing the next song i wanna cover ;)))

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?i guess i’d like to know around when my mental health starts to get a lot better

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?i don’t know, but a really proud moment for me was when my guitar teacher called me his star guitar student :’)

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?singing the song i wrote about jay to him

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?i have genuinely no idea

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?1) die…… im kIdding i don’t have one lol

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.i’m pretty sure dirty blonde hair, but that’s just from my memory and my memory is terrible. blue eyes, freckles, which she hates but i think they’re what makes her her. she’s so pretty honestly, i don’t think she believes me when i tell her. she’s tall and probably my favorite person to hug because of her height. she tries her best to stay happy and positive constantly, even when she’s struggling and hurting, we’re very similar in that way. i really appreciate it. she helps me feel calm when she’s being idiotic, she’s just so wonderful and i’m so lucky to have her close, since she has many friends. she’s my beautiful best friend and i don’t think she realizes how much we all admire her. i cried writing this. it’s about kylee. gosh i love her. (also she was just the first to come to my head)

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?for the most part, yes

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?wednesday

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.jay; i mean, he’s my boyfriend. and my tag for him is ‘my stars’. and stars calm me, he calms me. i love the stars, i love him. there’s similarities between the two and it would just be lovely.

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?nope nope nope

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?i’d probably tell jay how much i love him and how great he is. that’s really tough gosh.

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?they’re so beautiful. something about them, they’re just stunning.

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.i genuinely can’t think of any quotes that mean something to me

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?visit jay. go on some kind of trip with him and my 3 close friends

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?i am. there’s a person who i forgave so many times and i regret it. so much. i wish i weren’t as forgiving

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.i dont remember enough about my 12 year old self to do this

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.tattoos are cool, piercings are cool. i would never get many myself but there so cool on other people

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?nope, i don’t where any. don’t think it suits me

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.dodie has helped me a lot in accepting who i am and just her music calming me and such

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.calm down, be quiet and kind.

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.5sos; at the time, it was great because i really loved them, but know the memory’s just kinda meh.dodie, tessa, rusty, jesse; the best night of my life. all four are so talented. i’m so glad i was able to go. meeting dodie was a great experience.

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?probably jay but i don’t really know what i’d like it to say. i don’t know.

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?i don’t have one, sadly.

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine?take meds, take out contacts, lay in bed until i’m tired enough to sleep

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?i’d dye it pastel pink!! just bc it’s my fav color

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?well i’d go with jay, riley, kylee, anahi, and ariel (my step-sister) but im so indecisive idk where we’d go

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.1; to be with jay. all the time. constantly. because it’s tough not being with him now, although we haven’t met, and i don’t want to just meet him, you know? because then it’ll be even harder.2; for people to stop assuming genders/making jokes about gender/just accept everyone. i’m tired of people assuming and being rude about it all.3; to meet all the phetuses. we’re literally like a family and it would be so cool to just hang with them all.

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?i’ve never gotten drunk or high and i never will get drunk or high

storms: you can only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?song; i can’t handle only being able to see one person. i would go insane. you don’t have to constantly listen to the song, but it’s either being alone, or with that one person and i’m sure it would get kind of frustrating?

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.i have. it’s like. a flower blooming inside of you; coming to life. absorbing the sunlight that seemingly radiates off the person you love, and it feels like you have a part or the person with you. all the time.

clouds: as a person, would you rock nail polish? or short hair? (i changed this one bc it had EXTREME gender roles smh.)yes and yes. i paint my nails all the time. i have short hair.

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?i don’t go to starbucks

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?probably the stuff i’ll be sending jay. it’s weird but it’s very important to me.

[doomanddread]

im just so fucked up

honestly i know im in a really bad place right now and im trying to get through it but its really kicking my ass and the timing is just so off with the rest of the world around me that its making it even worse to try and deal with

like im just so fucked up and i dont know what to do anymore

like the last 24 hours were fine but my mental illness is on fire now:

got coffee with a close friend yesterday, walked around my hometown on a nice day, drank a bottle of wine at his place and smoked weed, sang along to rent songs all night (aka a great day? right?)

i wake up at 10am today, physically sick from binge eating the night before with friend and after, and just fucking broken. depressed, anxious, deep deep fear of having shared too much the night before with my friend, even though i barely shared anything, and at the same time feeling empty and rejected and wrong, always feeling like my friends dont care and just put up with me, feeling embarrassed and gross about eating so much in front of him and another one of our friends, feeling the usual extreme sale hate, of my personality, my mind, my body, my life, my actions, my thoughts. 

couldnt fall back asleep because i feel so sick and depressed, masturbate, end up crying for 30 minutes afterwards because im so fucking insane

like im just so crazy! i dont understand anything about my thoughts and feelings anymore! 

i’ve always been able to recognize and rationalize, or at least understand where the issues come from... but the older i get, the more fucked up i get, and the more fucking lost i am in my own mind

i really wish i could quit life. not suicide. not death. but just not exist. to have the option, to erase my own existence from the universe.. that’s honestly my ultimate fantasy now. to be able to just lay down and fade away and be free of this fucking earthly pain and to not have to inflict the loss of my life on anyone either...

people get so offended when i fully explain why i dont ever want kids- and its because i dont believe in human life. i just dont. i think human existence is a mistake and a waste and we have done nothing but spread evil and pain across this world. why would i want to create another human, who could grow up to be the worst one of us yet? and even if they turn out the best, why would i want to sentence such a pure soul to 90+ years of agony from the bad ones surrounding them? and even if i didn’t believe humans are just awful at our core, look at the society we have built and enslaved ourselves in. it’s fucking torture. it excludes, vilifies, kills, enslaves, brainwashes, traps, and persecutes the majority of people living in it. it’s toxic, unhealthy, unnatural and soul crushing. if you are anything different, any slight deviance from the accepted norm, the crowd, the one perfect accepted image, you are branded an outsider and suffer for it forever. hope seems so much like a lie here. what hope is there? how will things ever change so much that we allow ourselves to be free? how will this ever be right? how will good ever win? i would never force a life to have to survive and live in this world. i just wouldn’t. i wish i had a choice if i had wanted life or not. i wish my parents had stopped and thought about what could happen to the life they created. the suffering i could, most likely, would endure. i wish they had made the same choice i have. because i wouldnt fucking be here then, suffering and suffering and suffering. i am so tired of living and im trapped here now because our fucking twisted and awful fucking society has failed my fucking family so bad that i am there only chance at survival. and even i cant be that selfish to kill myself and leave them alone to suffer eternally here. but in a way, my life is over- i am stuck taking care of my mom and brother for the rest of my life. and it sounds awful to say or think or feel. and i am an awful person, just like all humanity at it’s purest form. i am an awful person because i am bitter and resentful and feel trapped taking care of my family. i will never get to live even my smallest dreams because of the burden and responsibility of taking care of them. ill never travel. ill never move. ill never finish school. ill never even drive. i will be trapped, in this small shitty apartment, in my tiny dirty bedroom, in this small corner of the world, for the rest of my life, miserable, and wishing i could die. there is no hope for me. and that’s just the way of the world. that’s humanity, for ya. we have condemned 99% of ourselves to living a nightmare. no art and no music and no good we have done will ever make up for all the fucking pain we have inflicted, created and spread across this planet. not only to ourselves but every other fucking life we have encountered. 

i just wish i could escape the pain. there is nothing in this realm of earthly living that could make me want to stay here. all joy is temporary, all love and life is fleeting, there will always be more pain, there will always be more lose and more death. i cant fight it. i was not meant for this world. i was made broken and lacking and wrong and i cant even forget it. i just want out. so badly. i just need this to end.

[6-v-6]

sorry if this is too personal and if it is you dont have to answer it but youre trans right? how exactly did you know?

ahhh yea it’s a little personal but not like too much so

uhhhh well Once Upon A Time i used to think i was cishet (lmao) because, well, 1 i didnt know what being trans even was and 2, I liked to look at guys so I was just like “cool im a straight female” and I guess it all like, started to make sense when I found out what cosplay was? As weird as that is. But its because I was like “wow I can dress up as any character I want” and that was so wild because suddenly I wasn’t restricted to the clothes my mom bought me, or the gender I thought I had to express. I was always looking at guy characters and wanting to cosplay them and I never even considered any female chars lol. And it was like the first time I was even able to express myself that way? It was like a “safe” way to express that gender because I had told my mom that I didn’t want to cosplay girls because most designs were revealing etc. It was a lie lol it was just an excuse I used to get my mom to let me dress up as a guy and buy a binder. At that point I didn’t even know though I just found that I liked it a lot more, it felt different, more natural and right and I had more confidence? I literally hated the way I looked almost my entire life lol and I’m not a fan of female fashion outside of appreciating it on other people. I despised skirts and dresses and yeah, needless to say school dances were a Nightmare. 

So yeah it was sometime in highschool when it really Clicked for me, but I was still afraid of what my mom or friends would say/think so I didn’t say anything at the time, and to be honest I was still in denial myself because I didn’t want to...it’s hard to explain...I didn’t want to admit it to myself because I knew it would be really difficult and it would change Everything and open me up to the possibility of being rejected by family or friends and I was scared of that. My dad is an extreme christian and super religious like he values the bible above everyone in my family and I Knew he would never accept that. So I kept quiet, I got my hair cut after I graduated in a more feminine style pixie cut to sorta slide by while still allowing myself to feel even a tiny bit better about my appearance. When I went off to college is when I really started to make my own decisions because I was free from my family and I could buy my own clothes and literally change my name since my school offered this little handy option of “preferred name” which conveniently allowed me to be whoever the hell I wanted to be. I was still scared though, so I compromised by identifying as gender fluid so that during breaks when I went home I could pretend I was okay with dressing feminine again. Eventually though I called my own bullshit and admitted it to myself and it just felt so good... and I told my friends and they were all supportive which made me feel a lot better. I’d just like.... lie in bed till 3 or 4 in the morning unable to sleep because I’d be thinking so much about how I hate the way my body looks and how I hate looking at myself in the mirror. So yeah lol I got tired of that and stopped lying to myself. It helps that I go to school in the most liberal city in California where my professors commonly ask for preferred pronouns and people respect and accept gender identity. 

Sometime last year I finally gathered the courage to tell my mom, and she was accepting and nice about it which was Great. Only she like, would never use the right pronouns with me when I went home still and she never made any real effort to understand just what that meant so.... yea I ended up getting in a big fight w/ her just over winter break a few weeks ago right before coming back to school lmao but like overall its good if not a little awkward now... but yeah that was probably the worst night I’ve ever had in my entire life it was certainly Something

I guess like, you know how a common theme with gay/lesbian people is how they often ask themselves “Do I like you? Or do I want to look like you?” and for them the Realization comes with understanding that “oh, I do like you”. Well its the opposite for me. I like to look at guys, and I always assumed it was just because I liked them or found them attractive. Except... I dont lol. Not outside of aesthetically. So for me I had to ask “Do I like you? Or do I want to look like you?” and come to the Realization that no, I don’t like guys. I just do in fact want to look like them and I would prefer looking at them over girls because I was jealous/longing of their bodies and appearance and fashion and well I’m asexual and probably aromantic too so I had no reason to look at anyone outside of that “i want to look like you” reasoning. 

This got pretty long but uh ;;;; yeah if you’re questioning or anything maybe ask yourself those questions and really think about it. 

[original-violence]

It took me 2 days to do this. Christ.

RUDE.

1) Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up. History’s Stranglers - The Bronx Sun/Rise/Light/Flies - Kasabian Promenade - Street Sweeper Social Club Fistful of Steel - Rage Against The Machine WW III - KMFDM Que No Te Hagas Bobo Jacobo - Molotov

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? Probably flea or Anthony Kiedis

3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17. ‘As a creative thinker I think he’s brilliant and i feel very lucky to have got to meet him’

4) What do you think about most? Work/My anxiety/Food.. probably just a general mix of those things.

5) Ever had a poem or song written about you? Dont fink so. Unless stuff i has written about myself counts.

6) Do you have any strange phobias? Not anything strange, just like.. spiders n stuff.

7) What's your religion? Agnostic i guess.

8) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? Going to/from work or to/from getting food somewhere. I have an exciting life.

9) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band? Red Hot Chili Peppers, always.

10) What was the last lie you told? ‘Nah im good’ (someone at work who is bad at making tea offered to make me a tea, i was appreciative but they’re real bad.)

11) Do you believe in karma? I mean, it would be nice for such a ‘force’ like that to exist, but it really doesn’t and it’s a shame.

12) What does your URL mean? It’s a lyric from a Slipknot song.

13) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength? Weakness: Probably my anxiety, it makes me unreasonably stressed at most times in my life and it makes everything very difficult. My strength is probably my desire to prove myself to literally everyone around me, it makes me work really really hard at everything i do.

14) Who is your celebrity crush? Hmmmmm Alison Brie at the moment.

15) How do you vent your anger? I don’t really get angry to be honest, when i do i just keep it at a level that i can deal with inside before acting on it.

16) Do you have a collection of anything? Mmmmmmmmnope, i have more than 100 video games, i guess that counts as a collection.

17) Are you happy with the person you've become? I will be. Im slowly getting there, there are just a couple more things left to sort out.

18) What's a sound you hate; sound you love? I hate most sounds that wake me up. Aaaand i love the sound of rain when against windows/umbrellas

19) What's your biggest "what if"? What if i would have stuck it out when i was at school? Would i have gotten any good grades? Would i have gone to uni? Would i have just become more overwhelmed than i was and have gone through with a suicide attempt like i was planning? (that got deep, sozza)

20) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Mmmmmm, lets go with.... No and Yes.

21) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm. Right arm, my computer and left arm, my mic stand.

22) Smell the air. What do you smell? Paella, i didn’t finish my dinner.

23) What's the worst place you have ever been to? Uhh, Nothing really springs to mind to be honest. There are places that would make me have anxiety but that doesnt make them bad places.

24) Most attractive singer/s of your opposite gender? Literally no one is coming to mind. Sorry, im way too tired to be doing this haha. --AT THIS POINT I STARTED FALLING ASLEEP AND WENT TO BED, THE REST OF THIS WAS WRITTEN TODAY--

25) To you, what is the meaning of life? I think at some point in life, everyone at some single point (maybe multiple points) saves another life. Whether it be ER nurses or just having a meaningful conversation with someone and changing their outlook, i think the meaning of live is to help and support other lives.

26) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? I do not.

27) What was the last movie you saw? Uhhhh American Ultra.

28) What's the worst injury you've ever had? Man i dont know, ive broken my nose and most of my fingers and toes but thats about as worse as i have had it.

29) Do you have any obsessions right now? I’ve started playing rocket league again and its the only game i have played for 3 days.

30) Ever had a rumor spread about you? Not that i know of! 

31) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? Yeahhhh, 100% yes, sometimes it’s important and those people deserve it man.

32) What is your astrological sign? Capricorn

33) What's the last thing you purchased? I bought some new glasses today. Im really hoping they arrive by the end of the week, otherwise im gonna get headaches all the damn time.

34) Love or lust? Obviously contextually dependent, but love is pretty damn cool.

35) In a relationship? N’aw

36) How many relationships have you had? Obviously some have been more serious than others but like... around 8 or so i guess

37) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you? I mean, in a general sense, i like making people laugh, if someone likes me because of that, that’s their own damn problem.

38) Where is your best friend? Probably at home i would imagine.

39) What were you doing last night at 12 AM? I want to say sleeping but i was probably watching youtube videos.

40) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend? Probably not, but that’s  just because i hate myself..

41) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? Fuck my job, i couldn’t let a dog die. Also ‘ if you are late one more time’ I am NEVER late for work.

42) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid? Shit, one month?! I would tell all my friends and family, i would tell people how i really feel about them (literally tell so many people how much they mean to me) and hell yeah i would be afraid. ‘One month’ is pretty vague, months have different lengths!

43) What's a song that always makes you happy when you hear it? Get up and jump - red hot chili peppers

44) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship? Love, trust, loyalty and happiness.

45) How can I win your heart? Make me laugh. I fucking love laughing.

46) Can insanity bring on more creativity? ‘Insanity’ is a VERY loose term. It’s difficult to answer that.

47) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far? “ becoming friends w/ me HOLLAAAAAAA “ - @ufo-squad 

48) What would you want to be written on your tombstone? Something simple but nice i guess. OR something really dumb like ‘If you’re reading this, stop standing on me’

49) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word "heart." Emotion, working hard, giving something everything you can.

50) Basic question; what's your favorite color/colors? Anything similar to ‘1DF7D2′

51) What is your current desktop picture? I have a cycle of around 50 different backgrounds, despite the fact that i never really look at them.

52) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be? Hmm, I don’t think i would want anyone to just explode, that would suck.

53) What would be a question you'd be afraid to tell the truth on? God, probably something about my emotions or the way i feel about people.

54) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power? Shapeshifting would be awesome.

55) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? Hmmm, probably a really good gig that i had with my old bandmates, i really miss playing live music, so maybe one of the times we played at Jersey Live, they where fun.

56) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? Nahhh, fuck that, im a firm believer that everything happens for a reason in life so i woudn’t want to.

57) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be? I am legit not interested in just sleeping with random people that i don’t know, the idea of it is awful to me.

58) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? Australia, maybe L.A.

59) Ever been on a plane? I have.

60) Give me your top 5 hottest celebrities. Uhhhhhhhhh okay. Alison Brie Lauren Cohan Daisy Ridley Tom Hardy Kristen Stewart.

[carbonsequestrian]

man i dont even know if i should share this because it’s super weird/ poorly written/ doesn’t make any sense but i feel like i keep too much too myself so here is a block of text i wrote and didn’t edit and if you read it, i love you.

Well, id like to kick off my music blogging career with a piece about a song that has continued to inspire me since the moment I heard it about 5 years ago. Something about the song awakens this dragon in me… or rather, something about the song awakens a knight that is about to go and slay a dragon, and that feeling crashes into every fiber of my being resulting in me feeling fucking powerful. Idk what the secret is. I wish I had found this sound when  I did a song analysis project for my freshman writing seminar back in college. (I chose Sublime’s Santeria for that project… and it was a shit show. Believe it or not, trying to write 10 pages about a song that doesn’t inspire every fiber of your being is insanely difficult. Lesson – if you have to write a lot, write about something you fucking love and admire.)

 The song is Don’t Waste Time Doing Things You Hate by And So I Watch You From Afar of their self titled 2009 release. I think it’s their debut album. Anyway, the band makes instrumental rock music. Stuff that superheroes and supervillains alike would use as a theme song. I discovered them from Worldhaspostrock on youtube, so check them out.

 Of course, now that im sitting down to write about the song I cannot think of any words to say about it. Lovely how that happens. Especially after bragging about how easy it is to write about something you love. HA>

If you’ve ever done something you hate, you sure know how that feels. Part of you feels trapped -momma didn’t raise no quitter – and another part of you is too busy daydreaming about what you’d rather be doing to formulate a plot to get you there. Feeling stuck doing something you hate is exactly how I felt when I discovered this song. I chose my major at college based on what a guy who I’d met over the internet was studying, he called me pretty and would send me ‘good morning’/ ‘sweet dreams’ texts, so we were obviously super serious. And I was going to study the same thing as him and we would conquer the world together, duh. Lo and behold, I hated my major. And because I hated my major, I didn’t really fit in with any of the people I met through my major. There was one chick who I liked because she hated it too, but we were very different people. I did sports in college instead of joining a music group (being in an acapella group was a last minute goal of mine) because A. everyone in my family was super sporty B. no one in my family thought very highly of music and C. I was fucking terrified of it. Every bit of it sends anxiety chills down my spine and up my toes. Singing in front of people in a room? Singing with people? Having people rely on you to do your thing correctly in order to achieve a desired result? Fuck that’s anxiety inducing. And let me make this clear, I don’t have stage fright. But I do have Perfectionist Block (a totally real issue, created by me, ill discuss it further in another post) which makes me extremely hard on myself.

 So anyway, to paint the picture – 20 year old me is in the library for the 50th hour that week (no kidding, I went to Cornell, and seriously spent 6-10 hours a day in the library studying during regular term. Finals/ testing weeks, it’d double) looking for upbeat instrumental music that could make me feel like a bad ass and I find this band. The first song I found by them was The Voiceless, off the same album. That song fucking slaps. I must’ve listened to it 30 times before saying “hey, why don’t I check out their other stuff?” and thus gave this album a listen. I was so stressed that week, so tired, felt so lost and alone. I hated every fucking minute of my life but I was pushing through it because I wanted to make my mom proud. Every morning I would angrily get ready for class, pissed off that elitism and this desperate urge to prove oneself through menial shit such as ‘ivy league’ degrees would push someone to find the line of their breaking point and balance on it. All for what? If I died tomorrow, who could speak of who I am? At cornell, I was a cornell student. That was it. By being there, I wasn’t anything of myself anymore. I wasn’t strong, I wasn’t funny, I wasn’t good with animals, I wasn’t a hard-worker, I wasn’t smart – though, those last traits were implied – I simply became a product of an institution. One that I loved, don’t get me wrong. I had been looking for reassurance/ acceptance/ approval my entire life, and that letter that I got from a world renowned school was it – so I thought. But then I got there and my imposter syndrome went wild. I wasn’t truly smart, or good at learning. In fact, high school had been so easy for me that I was able to scrape by with great grades without ever working on schoolwork outside of school (I’d do my work during lunch, when I would eat in the chorus room/ my English teacher’s room since I had no friends.) at school, I thought I’d made friends, but they ditched me when I needed them most. In retrospect, I should’ve been more forgiving – no one’s perfect -  but ill blame my poor socialization through high school here. I saw kids who worked their asses off day and night. A 16 year old math prodigy lived in my hall. And I had nothing to show for my intelligence outside of the fact I was able to take enough HS classes in middle school that I’d manage to have 4 hours of school my senior year (typically, that time would be so that kids could take extra APs. But I said fuck that.)

 Truth is,  I was so insecure and unsure of myself that being thrown into the lava pit that is college – any college, not just an ivy league – was emotionally and mentally overwhelming. I found myself getting drunk to the point of almost dying most nights. Every time with strangers. I’d often go to the bridges, where so many had leapt to their deaths before, and ponder if that’s where I belonged. Crashing amongst the rocks and water in the gorges. Man, I was fucking depressed. And a ball of anxiety. I had no real identity, you’d ask me what I liked or what I wanted from my life and I’d have no real answer. My answer would vary based on what youtube videos I had been watching that week. I was so scared of being judged.

 Point is, I found nothing that I felt a connection to. Not my major. Not my peers. Occasionally my surroundings, but typically only in the morbid, I’d like to throw myself off this sort of way. Life is so much more complex than those things, and truth is, ill never really be able to explain away all of the different shit in my life that was bringing me down. Making me feel worthless. Dumb. Like I didn’t belong. And the first thing that I felt like understood this, was this song. Even writing that out I feel like it confirms my worst fears, that I am worthless/ delusional/ crazy/ not even a real person. How does one go through 20 years of life and can only feel connected to a pile of noises that a stranger has made and recorded? Wavelengths generated by someone else’s finger tips never felt so good. They resonated through my brain and spoke to my soul. It was like I was being sucked into a black hole and obliterated to nothing. And that was what I needed, because I was able to look at who I was and take a chance to rebuild. To change.

 With no one to talk to, no one who understood me, and no real goals or aspirations in my life/ being too crippled by fear to even take a chance to achieve my goals/ aspirations in life, I darted in the complete opposite direction. Left that ‘dream school’ for a state school 2000 miles away. I still waste plenty of time doing things I hate, but every day I try to do my best to find the things I love. It’s been a long hard road, and I am so unsure of myself. I realize I’ll never have the validation I seek, at least not externally. Still, going to cornell is my greatest achievement and those close to me hold a grudge that I left without fulfilling my diploma. And looking back, I could’ve done it. Taken some time off, sought a therapist outside of the free service offered, opened up to some of the people I had met. Hindsight is 2020. And im here now.

 This song means the world to me. The suspense of the guitar plucking in the intro is an emotion I was swallowed in. the anger and noise of the guitars from 1:11-1:30 was how I felt every morning when I looked at the day ahead. The desperation of the guitars at 2min how I looked at the people around me, who appeared to have their shit all together. Their heads above the water. Looking at me drowning below the surface. But I had a smile on my face, so I must have been fine. Then the clarity that comes at 3mins. The music starts to feel like it’s getting itself together. 3:35-4:15, when big changes happen. And the la la lalalalalas. That’s how I was, just “la de da-ing” my way through life, not really thinking about what I was going to take from this world and my short time getting to experience it. The song gets progressively happier, and calmer, as I hope my own life will be, though I’m still in my 3min phase when it feels like it’s starting to get itself together.

 Ill always hold onto the hard times I went through at school. And ill wish everyday for a time machine, so I could go back in time and tell 18 year old me to just chill and ‘discover yourself, man’ before going to a place that has so much potential. Because the truth is, I was too insecure to be successful at such an institution. I still think I’m too insecure. But at least now I know, and I’m not living under this idea that because I got into a good school I am a good person and good things will come to me.