#im exploding over them constantly & consistently

[autisticalastor]

(more sonastor rp yay)

im. obsessed w the fact that alastor fell in love w sonata of his own accord. like she uses her siren powers on EVERYONE. she literally cant turn them off, only make them more intense! yet the only person who has ever truly loved her (even counting when she was alive!!) is the ONE SINGULAR PERSON her powers dont work on.

she mentioned it to him that she tried it on him a couple times & just assumed he couldnt love anyone & thats why it doesnt work & rather than be like. mad at her. his whole Internal Monologue™ was just like "his heart was absolutely breaking at the idea she thought she even had to resort to that to earn his love" LIKE HELLO

《유나》

[sirenofthegreenbanks]

2 + 3 + 12 + 33!!!!

had to fish around to find that ask game again!!!!! also hiiiii better late than never :))) :}}}}} <3 i need to tell u smth abt kleo i have Thoughts (not big thoughts this sounds as if its big it isnt i just reconsidered my initial statement that u might not like iiiiit)

2. anything that you'd like to write but feel that youre unable to??

oh yes!!! so much!!!!! even the things im writing bring me constantly into a situation of hair-tearing-out crying-clawing-screaming hitting-head-against-the-wall. i flip-flop between thinking i cant even write what im writing and thinking that im kinda decent. hhhhh. anyway!!!!!

i want to write a solid longfic with extensive worldbuilding. it doesnt matter the genre, just solid and rich worldbuilding where the writing stays consistent and steady until the end is already good. but if i could specifiy, i yearn for it to be a canon compliant/canon divergence/canon era fic with a unique take on canon. i want to write canon era fics in general, but im always hesitant to. i know what happens when i fall into a research hole, it fires up my anxiety. and i want to write scifi or a cool space opera. and i want to be able to write novel fic (of tyk) and not want to die during the process. all these things feel impossible to me :]]]]]]]]

3. how would u describe ur writing style?

i had to think about this for a bit!!!! because my writing style is unfortunately directly connected to my mental stability which is not always. stable. huehe. hmmmm i think my style (given that im doing good!) leans very hard into economical but evocative storytelling; like, i mean the rhythm of oral storytelling. stream of consciousness. prose poetry. poetry slam. i want the words to explode in your mouth and i want it to paint a very clear image in your head. i want people to hear me telling the story! even if the reader (or listener!) cant be there to experience it for themselves, at least i can tell them about it! thats probably because my first experience with story as a concept comes from audio dramas and generally someone reading something to me. thats honestly still the medium i prefer, tbh.

12. if you write in more than one language, whats the difference?

TvvvvvvT

currently i dont write in more than one language, if u dont count non-fictional handwriting bc i write all my notes in my native language. but i still remember how it used to be to write creatively in german. like im always whining about how difficult it is to cast the same image in english as in german; i just dont have that fine motor control over english as i have over german. i can easily switch between gears in german but english still ,, befuddles me pfft. its most noticable when im mucking around drafting and spend more time thinking about fun stuff like correct grammar and correct sentence structure and which word means what in english, than about the story and the characters. it takes so much energy and effort to think about and of all of this, there is barely any space left for the story that im trying to tell. which is def a major drawback for me and one of the reasons that ive been considering to start writing in german again. even though i have uh some baggage there that i dont really want to face. language is so connected to identity and culture. and thats another reason why english is difficult; i know english, aside from school, mostly from usamerican books or from online interactions with usamericans or people talking usamerican. so that has ofc heavily influenced my own english. like, i set all my stories in germany for reasons, but its stupidly hard to draw up the cultural markers because the language itself that im using is already coming with cultural influences from another country. its really strange and confusing, and i would find it fascinating and interesting if it wasnt so frustrating. sometimes it feels like there is a veil between me and what im trying to say, and also as if my thought patterns dont work as they would because the language that should just be a tool to tell a story is already so dominant. thats def smth i hope to change in the future

33. give your writing a compliment!

hmmm. its very earnest. reading my own stuff, even old stuff, i can tell what sort of struggles made it hard to get smth specific onto the page. and sometimes what ends up on the page is not what was supposed to be there in the first place. but its earnest and i can see that. its always the best i can do in that moment, and its always a piece of me because i give so much of myself during the process. thats not always a good thing but its how i am. im glad the earnestness, the sincerity, the love, the faith, the hope, is so visible to the bare eye.

yet another writing ask

[gendergenius]

big hyperspecific to my life vent incoming

i have to be here for six more months. six more months of my fucking horrible roommate gaslighting my friend and making my boyfriend actively suicidal to where im consistently having to talk him down from doing it. i am having nightmares where my roommate breaks my things and kicks me out. my friend is too scared of them to do anything but act like they're still friends, which is encouraging the roommate to believe that my boyfriend and i are just crazy assholes when in reality all we've ever asked for is a relatively clean and relatively QUIET (because this roommate is constantly SCREAMING at their fiancee!) house and they're still insisting that we're the big fat meanies because we want them to be accountable for making the household a hostile environment. they always insist that we "talk it out" but every time we do they just deflect and refuse to take responsibility, then laugh at us when we get visibly upset. they literally argue like those jokes about men who think they're right as long as they keep a completely neutral tone of voice, and then as soon as you show a sliver of emotion it's OVER because you've LOST. they're absolutely impossible to reason with so i do not try i just keep my head down. but my boyfriend is still more or else sparring with them and engaging in arguments which i understand like in an ideal situation you're supposed to be able to confront somebody about issues but all it's doing is causing more trouble. my roommate is always involving my friend when he doesn't need to be and instead of telling them they're wrong and risk them having a meltdown, he just asks my boyfriend and i to back down because at least he knows we won't explode at him. this is terrible. why is this how im living. i thought my life was supposed to get better when i left home so why do i feel the worst ive ever felt

[swimfuel]

Hey!! The X-men are literally my favorite thing and I was wondering if you could elaborate on how Scott is a knight of doom

YES OF COURSE!!!! i'll put it under a cut since i tend to ramble a bit & i'm pulling a bunch of explanations from people smarter than i am

the knight weaponizes their aspect; they have an inherent understanding of their aspect that allows them to exploit it completely. doom is the aspect of systems, restrictions/limitations, sacrifices, and endings.

one of scott's core themes is reclaiming his restrictions in order to serve others/the greater good! he takes the possible liability that are his faulty powers and shifts them to become an advantage, largely through the strength of his restraint and discipline. his role as a tactician and the way he sees sacrifices (more on that later) also mesh EXTREMELY well with the knight of doom.

i feel like the Wh*don run (specifically astonishing x-men #22-23) really highlights how scott can turn a situation on its head through exploiting his disadvantages to the point where they become tactically advantageous!! like, let's count the ways:

the ship the x-men stole from kruun is obviously bugged, so his team won't be able to communicate without being overheard. he realizes this, and uses that restriction (being overheard) as an advantage, by falsifying their course of action.

he has been left "without his powers"—he presents a restriction that lowers the guard of his adversary and grants him entry to their home base. he then subverts this by exploding the shit out of everything when an opportune moment arrives

HE LITERALLY EXPLOITS DEATH...... HE EXPLOITS HIS OWN DEATH...................FOR THE GREATER GOOD..........DUDE???? someone get this man an advil

some more thoughts, followed by some examples by people smarter than me:

he exhibits a similar pattern of idolization/realization with xavier irt karkat/HICand dave/bro.... not sure if this by itself is a knight-y thing but i think the consistent disillusionment with their role in defending their aspect is interesting (aka knight burnout, more on that later)

he is def willing to sacrifice shit for the greater good of mutantkind. the shit in question sometimes being his closest friends and allies. the examples that stick out to me are how he allowed beast to get tortured (utopia era) while executing his plan to solve All His Problems At Once & also when he sent x-force to the future to defend hope knowing it was going to be a one-way trip

that entire issue revolving around just how GOOD scott is at self-repression😭😭😭 i'm pretty sure it's post-schism utopia era i don't remember the exact issue WAIT NVM i'm pretty sure it's uncanny #518

seeing phoenix!scott as an inversion to (rogue of) life is also an interesting concept (unchecked growth!)

the amount of responsibility he feels he has to take on (partially due to his idolization cycle w xavier/xavier's dream) is also both knight-y and doom-y

and of course the instinct to protect the people around him --> being expanded into the whole of mutantkind (which, in turn, expands his sense of obligation)

everything leading up to revolutionary cyclops is also very interesting through this framework because its reminiscent of the knights & doom players in hs! the "taking on an insane burden" (phoenix force, whatever whammied mituna) -> the "resignation to the fate handed to him by his aspect" (his stint in prison, dead daves, sollux in general) -> the "refusal to accept that fate" (prison break, dave not wanting to use time travel, sollux fucking off into the dreambubbles, karkat coming to terms w his relationship w leadership) --> experiencing knight burnout at the end of revolutionary era going into death of x

im not sure exactly how to put it into words but everything about his childhood/teenhood... like being surrounded by forces seeking to control him and use him for their own ends..... idk

(from @/land-of-classpects-and-analysis, sections highlighted red are of particular interest)

HIS GIANT STINKING MARTYR COMPLEX.....DUDE😭😭

side note & ive mentioned this before but scottjean is an interesting parallel to davejade in a way i cant verbalize

Then there are the ones who may accept [the fact of inevitable human suffering], and so choose to live in high alert of any danger - any threats - as well as living in fear of what harm may befall them and/or their loved ones. It is this third and final group of people that so deeply marks that of the Knight of Doom.

Now, this might cause a few eyebrows to become quirked. After all, a Knight? Being fearful of something - nevertheless that thing being related to their Aspect? Knights do often present themselves as ruthless and fearless warriors, yes, but that is only because their Aspects and the world around them raised and called them to act as such. 

... A key factor in the Knight’s life, specifically before their journey truly begins, is that they are already well equipped with their Aspect.

... The Knight of Doom is one where their Aspect being all around them is far more bittersweet than anything else.

... What is important to acknowledge is that the facade the Knight of Doom puts up is not only to hide the fear they have for their Aspect, but it is most definitely there to hide the grief and pain they have not yet completely finished going through. Whether it’s been weeks or years, the Knight of Doom is someone who would rather hide themself away from these feelings than find a way to truly mend and heal them ... they have built a false wall between them and their suffering strong and thick enough to partially block it from their memory. 

... Knights are known to become extremely stubborn whenever people try to order them around and pressure them into doing something, and the Knight of Doom is no different - especially if they believe what they are doing is for the greater good. 

(from @/dahniwitchoflight)

Dahni’s Explanantion: “Doom can be a negative force that rejects and harms, fostering a sense of hostility or sadness. But, it is also the idea that you can pull backwards and cautiously and wisely withdraw into your own self.  It can be the idea of Control taken from the sharp Black and White Restrictions that everything in the world gets sorted into. It understands community necessity and need, responsibly pulling back and lowering you down into its lap to help wind yourself down. Doom then is an ultimate gentle Equalizer, instilling its players with an internal sense of Acceptance and eventually true Wisdom.”

Knight of Doom: One who Exploits with Doom or Exploits Doom

Knights hide a fear of a perceived fundamental failure with their Aspect behind a shield of confidence and obsessive effort. Their challenge is to learn to take it down a notch and to understand that they are skilled enough

A Knight is very skilled with using the rules and limitations of any game or session to their advantage. They skillfully fulfill any responsibility or obligation required of them with ease. They might use their natural caution and pessimism to make realistic choices and endeavors. They use and exploit any rule or limit that they can to their advantage. They might also be very good at exploiting any sacrifices made or any obligation or responsibility that they are held to. They might be very good at avoiding any unnecessary thing or person and are very good at recognizing when something is too futile to even bother with.

Likewise they might only focus on the necessary things in their game or session so they are likely to not do much unless it’s absolutely necessary. They would very likely be very meticulous with themselves about following the rules properly and constantly restrict themselves, maybe thinking they aren’t following the rules properly enough or not following the right ones. They might sacrifice anything they consider unnecessary about themselves or the way they live, sometimes even going too far with it, in order to be considered or thought of as less useless. They’re always trying harder and holding themselves to extreme self-imposed standards.

They would likely wait for the opportune moment to strike, though they are slow to move or act, they always will when something necessary needs to happen. Out of all the Doom players, a Knight of Doom seems like the one most likely to sacrifice themselves for the greater good. A Knight of Doom can also expertly use and exploit fire, bombs and explosions to their advantage, maybe they create flashy distractions during fights. They might even use decaying or dying things to their advantage.

(from @/communistvriska)

Role in the Session: Rather like the Prince of Doom, this role’s title kinda has “edgelord” written all over it, but that’s not a set-in-stone character trait. The first thing that comes to mind re: what the Knight Class and the Aspect of Doom have in common is a strong sense of obligation. The Knight of Doom is bound to take their duties and responsibilities Extremely Seriously, perhaps rather too seriously at first ... Knights also tend to be very protective of both their Aspect as a concept, and of themselves and those close to them; while the Knight of Doom isn’t likely to be outwardly aggressive, given Doom’s reserved, slow-burn tendencies, woe betide those who try to deceive or confound the Knight or their allies. One of Doom’s internal contradictions (which I find personally fascinating) is that the aspect is associated both with cynical resignation and with a profound albeit restrained sense of passion and persistence. Doom is what’s left after everything else gets burnt away.

The Knight of Doom will likely be a very skilled combatant, as the Knight is a class strongly associated with Strife / battle, and Doom is one of the more overtly destructive Aspects. I’d put them in the Top 5 Roles to use a cool flamin sword, at least. They’re not going to be eager to fight, per se, but they’re not going to have much trouble scaling the echeladder when it comes to that either. Internally, they’re likely to struggle with a perceived (but largely imagined) inability to fulfill their duties, and they could well stumble once or twice in their quest to be perceived as reliable and stoic, or as someone who their friends can lean on. They’re probably doing more than enough already, but if they’re not careful they might overexert themselves and take on too heavy a burden, and they’re liable to be crushed by their own expectation that they face their challenges alone. This is going to factor into their capital-Q Quest and the environment of their planet, and will be the biggest obstacle in their path to Ascension. A Knight’s duty is to protect their co-players, but their co-players also have to support them.

[hanadolphieron]

loona when jealous~

*based on astrology

a/n- i put this in order of most to least likely to become jealous/whose jealousy is the worst :)

son hyejoo;

hyejoo is such a scorpio and i am scared to go into this but here we go

her scorpio mercury conjunct her venus can make her mind prone to seeing disloyalty in situations when it isn’t even there

this can cause some trust issues, but if hyejoo uses her talent of speaking about emotions from her libra moon, these issues can be resolved

wants her s/o to talk to her!

and reassure her!

about these things

begins to become more light-hearted with her jealousy, instead of keeping it to herself and fuming over it while listening to angsty songs

it can come up randomly though

her aquarius mars is prone to becoming irritated by misunderstandings or injustices

which can relate to jealousy through hyejoo feeling as if her s/o is not understanding her feelings and is disregarding them

may have trouble coming to terms with the fact that she is an individual, and her feelings will never be truly related to or understood :(

which makes her sad, but she does find originality attractive?

send help

jealousy is just something she’s going to have to deal with throughout her life

jo haseul;

please don’t ever make haseul jealous

she will be dramatic, no doubt about it

knows how to step back from problems and see them from other’s perspectives easily, but envy can cloud her vision

most jealous of friends, people who she doesn’t know that hit on her s/o don’t bother her too much

haseul feels so proud of herself because she knows she has you all to herself

but with friends she can begin to get insecure

but her libra venus makes her keen to become friends with the people her s/o knows

depends on her mood and how her day has gone

wants an apology and milks a crunchy bunch of hugs out of you

will tell stories about when she was jealous over you as funny memories

in the end, she’s not too bothered by it

especially if your relationship has been stable and is long-term

but in the beginning she could feel as if you’re not committing (she’s likely not completely committed either tho)

loyalty is required, but is a big step for haseul and any of her potential partners

jeon heejin;

scorpio mercurians are more likely to perceive situations with feelings of jealousy or envy

they could project their own fears into what they see, and bend the truth a bit

and most of the time? it’s not even in their favor, they will see the worst of a situation before anyone else

but! heejin is a libra, and places beauty and good over everything else

so, in a circumstance where her s/o is causing her to feel jealous or possessive, she will hold back her feelings slightly and try to see the light in the situation

heejin will inevitably envy a person if her s/o’s attention is focused mainly of them at some point

but she will address these feelings in a civilized way

talks to her s/o about it, and makes sure they’re not in any way feeling pressured or accused

wants to know if her s/o was aware of how heejin was feeling or didn’t even notice before she continues on with her interrogation

really, heejin just wants an apology

unless her s/o noticed her jealousy and didn’t make any attempt at changing their actions to make her feel better

then, well, heejin won’t be too happy

but you know scorpio venusians, they love it when their partner “sacrifices” something for them and shows their loyalty

kim hyunjin;

hyunjin is more mentally strong in terms of jealousy compared to most other scorpios

her capricorn venus keeps her cancer moon in check, and helps to make her emotions seem more mature and educated

adapts to her partner’s personality easily, and understands if they are a touchy, more affectionate type

won’t restrict their freedom, it’s the last thing she would ever want to do

capricorn venusians take pride in how well they take care of their lovers, so hyunjin would never feel the need to impose accusations of disloyalty upon her s/o

the only reason she would feel jealous is if her s/o was letting someone else protect/take care of them

hyunjin wants to be the only one who does that

will steal her s/o away from that person, and try to show her partner how much she cares and adores them

so wholesome even when she’s hurt i can not

her cancer moon heightens her need to protect

so just let her, don’t try to make others do things for you, hyunjin will happily bake you bread or something or whatever else you need

im yeojin;

i get the vibe that yeojin doesn’t get jealous too easily

well, maybe she does, but just keeps it to herself

distances herself from the situation and her feelings in order to stay grounded

which sounds counterproductive but she makes it work in some magical way

this can make her feel detached from feelings that she needs to confront, however, and can create resentment and grudges without her realizing

it will most likely be her s/o that brings it up, after seeing yeojin be so detached and zoned out for such a long time

yeojin will have been thinking about her feelings regarding envy for a while, which creates the zoning out/distanced vibe

honestly has no idea how to deal with it

her s/o will have to like walk her through jealousy

talking about problems does help yeojin work through them though, and will come to lots of conclusions during the conversation

enjoys learning and maturing through her emotions too

so it’s a win-win

fixes the problem immediately, either works through jealous thoughts or removes the situation that is making her have them

jung jinsoul;

poor baby gets so upset over this

jinsoul’s biggest dream is to have a completely secure relationship

cancer venusians have a tendency to hoard their lover and never let anyone else receive attention from them

they do hold back sometimes though, and keep their feelings to themselves in order to not be hurt by the opinions and reactions of their significant other

jinsoul just wants a loyal s/o who won’t intentionally make her jealous just to mess with her

would feel so betrayed by the “make your s/o jealous and see what they do” trope

although might be prone to at least attempting it on her s/o

she loves the feeling of being wanted

will give up half-way through though, and demand hugs

she just wants cuddles that’s it

a little bit of angst is a favorite of her’s though, and she honestly wouldn’t be too bothered by feelings of jealousy

just as long as they’re not consistent or a major issue

however, she might tend to fall for people that prey on her caring nature and jealousy could be a theme in her love life

she has to learn to step back, stop blaming herself, and find people who are as sincere and loving as her

ha sooyoung;

sooyoung isn’t affected by jealousy as much as her members (cough cough the scorpios cough cough)

is most likely not even going to notice if her s/o is acting more affectionate to others

like you could try and try to make her jealous to see her reaction but like

she doesn’t even realize what you’re doing

her pride is hurt if her s/o does try to do that though, so please don’t attempt that

venus opposition moon can cause unrest in terms of emotions related to love, so jealousy in a relationship would mess up sooyoung’s mind

she would feel uncomfortable and get “bad vibes” from the other person

needs clear communication and not body language/facial expressions used to convey feelings

sooyoung loves people with strong opinions to debate over, and would not be impressed if her s/o didn’t make a stand if someone was hitting on them

doesn’t want the whole watersign-esque way of showing loyalty and stuff

would much rather have their s/o laugh it off, with a little explanation of like “uh i have a girlfriend”

but she wants others to know her s/o is dating her, and is not available

someone hitting on her s/o is like one of two things that make yves jealous

the other being her s/o spending a bunch of time with someone else that isn’t a close friend/family member

park chaewon;

is more protective than jealous, but she has her moments

can subconsciously hurt her own feelings because she focuses on all the tiny details of a situation and observes every movement of you or the person she is jealous of

avoids talking about feelings that are uncomfortable or she thinks you won’t accept

so consequently squishes her jealousy into a tiny ball and tries to throw it away

but it’ll come up at some point

and when it does, it won’t be too bad too be honest

gowon will probably end up confronting you after her virgo moon blows a situation out of proportion while still focusing on all the details

and explodes for like two seconds

then recovers extremely fast and sits there like ?? why was i so mad

hopes you forget the whole situation

and jealousy most likely won’t come up again, now that she got it all out

and guilt will override it

doesn’t remember it after a while, but her mind keeps her thoughts away from jealousy now that a bad experience is tied to it

but before she blows up, her jealousy could be almost like a night terror, she thinks about it constantly and it haunts her for a few days

but as i said, once she lets it out, she’ll be fine

wong gaahei;

naturally, gaahei isn’t that jealous

however, romantic relationships is where her envy comes out the most, due to her scorpio venus

these sorts of situations only happen after you’ve been together for a long time

at first, vivi isn’t too protective and doesn’t want to scare you

observes how you react if she starts to be more protective and possessive

then acts accordingly

although she’ll probably get jealous at some point no matter what

if you’re the type of person who isn’t bothered much by your s/o being overly loyal and attached, then vivi feels more comfortable expressing her feelings in the envy department

gets annoyed at too much unnecessary physical contact

keeps her feelings hidden until she has you alone

doesn’t want to be embarrassed by making a huge scenes (although the daggers in her eyes aren’t helping her attempt at hiding her emotions

talks to you afterward and can be a bit critical ):

but as long as you y’know, do the apologizing thingo and show your loyalty (this sounds real toxic but i promise it’s not, vivi just wants to be overdramatic, such a hopeless romantic)

kim jungeun;

jungeun tends to lose herself inside her head when she experiences feelings of jealousy

her pisces venus in relation to her aquarius sun can make her love style separate from her identity

this means serious insecurity that she doesn’t even notice can squeeze into her relationships and make her seem insincere at times

then, her sagittaiurs moon immediately tells her to run away for fear of being in a situation that traps her and that she can’t escape from

feelings of intensity and revenge scare her

envy is a controversial topic in her eyes and she tries to avoid it at all costs

however, she also has a scorpio mars 

so whenever she lets the jealousy in, it blows up since she’s been repressing it for so long

like i mentioned earlier, jungeun will lose herself in her mind and let her emotions take the reins

this can cause serious damage to her lover and leave them feeling incredibly and untrustworthy

like jungeun will make them question their entire existence for a few hours/days

then she’ll be back, thinking “what the heck did i just do”

choi yerim;

the least jealous out of the twelve

her mars opposes her sun, (sagittarius and gemini,) which creates a struggle between anger and ego

her “triggers” are different than her personality in a way, and unless she was already in a bad mood, jealousy isn’t an emotion she would feel often

however, her gemini sun can make her flip a switch within a few seconds, so changing to a more irritable mood could be easy

but, she doesn’t want to be in a bad mood obviously, so she stays away from hard feelings and almost runs from them

she has a lot of mutable energy in her personal planets, which can cause choerry to look for her s/o’s reaction before acting on her feelings

unless her s/o looks uncomfortable by physical affection/time spent with another person, yerim won’t do much

she’ll stand back and let things happen

might bring up envy at some point, but only in a casual confrontation

her taurus mercury doesn’t like to be challenged, but unless she has a serious reason to bring up conflict she will keep it to the side

laughs about it if she talks to her s/o about it, doesn’t want to make it into a deep situation, just wants some clarification

kim jiwoo;

barely gets jealous, is more protective than anything

will just be confused by situations where she feels jealous, chuu might not even recognize what emotion she’s feeling

talks to her s/o about it though

doesn’t make a huge deal of the whole situation

just wants a small explanation

her capricorn mars can cause her pride to be hurt at some point in time

for example, if her s/o is making her jealous and she realizes how disloyal her s/o is being

she’ll tell them, and that’ll be the end of it

but, if they don’t listen to her, chuu will be really mad

might give the silent treatment

will legit scold her s/o like a parent

might never get over it, capricorn marsians tend to hold onto feelings of grief or betrayal for a long time because they feel as if they could have handled the situation better

it’ll be one of those experiences that chuu slams her pillow into her head over at 2 a.m. because she just remembered it

finds anger to be embarrassing at times? if her s/o isn’t in the same head-space/mood and doesn’t understand her

[blucmoon]

━  ☾ ⊹  ( im jaebum, cis male , he/him ) say hello to AE YONGGUK, the TWENTY SIX YEAR OLD that seems to have a lot in his hands with HIS job as a STALL OWNER, DRUMMER AND OCCASIONAL BARTENDER! beyond that, they seemed RESPONSIBLE AND TRUSTWORTHY upon first glance. i heard someone say they’re sort of EVASIVE AND INSECURE though. HE seems to live in a 4 BEDROOM HOUSE in YUNHWA, SOUTH KOREA. anything else to add? oh, yeah! he also RUNS A STALL CALLED “KODACHROME” WHERE HE TAKES PHOTOS FOR IDS, SELLS PRINTS AS WELL AS BOOKS SESSIONS FOR PHOTOSHOOTS. 

basic information

full name: ae yongguk

nickname(s): guk, yonggu (hasn’t figured out why)

age: 25

date of birth: january 6th, 1995

birthplace: seoul, south korea.

hometown: yunhwa, south korea.

current location: yunhwa, south korea.

ethnicity: asian.

nationality: korean

gender: cismale

pronouns: he / him

orientation: demiromantic, bisexual.

occupation: stall owner and drummer of a band called “crux”. sometimes he helps at his aunt’s bar in busan for some extra money.

living arrangements: house #4012, hwesakgu.

language(s) spoken: korean, english (conversational)

physical appearance

faceclaim: got7’s im jaebum “jb”

hair color: like almost everyone, he has naturally brown hair but throughout the years he’s dyed it blonde or black a couple of times. right now, it’s black and he has managed to grow it to a length he really likes below his chin. yongguk can be usually seen with his hair down and every so often he puts it up in a half updo. whenever the band has a gig, he  exerts a little more effort (even if most of the time it doesn’t pay off).

eye color: brown. (likes colored contacts every now and then)

height: 179 cm

weight: 66 kg

build: lean person, with a good muscular frame.

distinguishing characteristics: two beauty marks right next to each other on his left eyelid.

tattoos: has a full sleeve on his left arm from shoulder down to a little above his wrist and another one his right forearm.

piercings: lobe and upper lobe in both ears, anti-tragus on the left one, double helix on the right, anti-eyebrow and nose on the right side of the face (won’t ever use jewelry during the day though).

clothing style: while he’s working at the stall he has a more casual style consisting of jeans, cargos, pants, button downs, sweaters. likes layering with denim shirts, flannels, jackets, windbreakers over t-shirts, etc. mostly in earthy colors, dark reds and blues, white, gray and black. no matter what though, he will always wear long sleeves, even in the hottest summer days and never roll them up, going to these lengths just to not draw any unnecessary attention. (he’s even gotten a fair amount of rash guards for those occasions when he feels like going for a swim.)

at the bar or at gigs, he’s usually clad in all black or dark tones. sleeveless shirts or those with short sleeves are his go-to, not nearly as concerned to conceal the ink over his arms from the public eye at night. he likes to choose style and comfort when performing, thus splurging a little more on his nightly outfits rather than those he uses on the daily. leather and denim jackets, bombers, sometimes harnesses, jeans in either black or leather, boots, sneakers, muscle shirts, graphic t-shirts, shirts with the first buttons undone and rolled up sleeves in dark, rich colors. style varies from street fashion to grunge to rocker depending on how he feels.  

health

sleeping habits: goes to sleep really late but has no trouble waking up early to go to to work, though for the first couple of hours he’s awake and if he has gotten 4-5 hours only, he’d be kind of silent and unresponsive until getting that first cup of coffee. will likely nap before his shift at the bar only for an hour and a half tops.

eating habits: eats 3 - 4 times a day and gets easily hungry between meals. often seen snacking whatever he can.

exercise habits: doesn’t really exercise much constantly, but on the weekends he likes hiking or running around town.

emotional stability: 6/10

body temperature: average

addictions: none

drug use: experimentally a couple of times, hasn’t done it in a while.

alcohol use: socially, medium-high tolerance.

personality

label: the opaque (unable to be figured out; hiding behind a façade; not transparent.)

positive traits: reliable, responsible, hard-working, trustworthy, loyal, thoughtful, generous, creative, passionate, artistic, caring, considerate, devoted.

negative traits: defensive, evasive, cautious, indecisive, defiant, self-doubt, fluctuating self-esteem, conflict-averse, private, self-conscious, sensitive, unpredictable.

hobbies: starting songs he never finishes, watching the same show every year (avatar the last airbender) as well as his comfort movies, cloud/star gazing, jigsaw puzzles, origami, video games, playing guitar sometimes.

habits: knuckle cracking, muttering under his breath, snacking between meals, rubbing hands together, jaw clenching, gesturing while talking, rubbing the back of his neck, running hands through hair, drumming fingers, sings along to songs and sings gibberish for the parts he doesn’t know, doodles on any paper at reach, dozes off when bored/daydreams, bobs his leg while sitting.

zodiac sign: sun capricorn, moon pisces, rising scorpio (read as: impending disaster)

mbti: infp

enneagram: 6w5

temperament: melancholic

hogwarts house: ravenclaw

moral alignment: chaotic good

primary vice: wrath

primary virtue: diligence

element: water

expanded personality

yongguk has a strong tendency to appear quiet and reserved and it might come off as standoffish or easily confused with snoberish, which makes it worse when he doesn’t go out of his way to change this preconception about him. he needs a great deal of personal space, both physically and mentally, and any attempt to control him or forcibly schedule his activities will only strengthen his need for time alone.

he’s responsible, trustworthy and hardworking. relies heavily on his intuition to guide him and knows how to patiently wait as well as how to adapt to any circumstances. in yunhwa, he’s been forced to learn how to interact with the townsfolk and through the years he’s mastered the front he puts on in order to remain below the radar and not get any unnecessary attention; polite, helpful, sometimes even considered as a sweet guy, yongguk has no problem lending a hand to anyone that needs it.

however, in busan, his adaptability is also handy when it comes to dealing with customers. at the same time, it’s in these moments when he feels a little less restrained and allows himself to be less calculative: flirty, playful, sometimes misleading… he’s gotten in several problems because of this and yet he has no plans to stop it anytime soon.

yongguk is a little insecure and with a fluctuating self-esteem: sometimes he’s very well aware and confident on his skills and assets, but other times he will second-guess everything about himself. this combined with an strong fear of failure that stems from poor past decisions, makes him hesitate when it comes to making important calls that could potentially affect his future, but he knows how to play it off… most of the times.

despite appearing simple at a glance, yongguk is more than what meets the eye. friendly but private, polite but passionate about his beliefs, calm and sometimes expressionless. it’s not that he doesn’t have feelings - he actually runs quite deep and strong - it’s just that he conceals them under a mask of politeness because he’s unsure how to deal with them; he’s restrained when it comes to conveying emotion, but has a very deep care for his peers. might be awkward and uncomfortable with expressing himself verbally, but has a wonderful ability to define and reveal what he’s feeling on paper.

yongguk is genuinely interested in understanding others, a good listener, but will exclusively share his sorrows and woes only with the friends he trusts the most, unafraid to display his best and worst with them. his natural intuition allows him to sense the mood without the need of words. however, he can be quite impressionable and be easily influenced by the moods of others, which may often lead him to feel overwhelmed because of this.

incredibly curious, yongguk loves to explore with his hands and his eyes, touching and examining the world around him with cool rationalism and spirited curiosity. he explores ideas through creating, troubleshooting, trial and error and first-hand experience. yongguk can be a challenge to predict, even by the closest people to him. can seem very loyal and steady for a while, but he has a tendency to build up a store of impulsive energy that explodes without warning, taking his interests in bold, new directions.

with a good memory, he can recall experiences from the past down to smallest details. this is both good and bad: remembering the good memories is a way to ease himself when in stressful or sad situations, but he’s also prone to dwell on previous mistakes and regret them for a long time.

he’s not consistently angry. will either let the anger build up and release it all at once in an outburst or let it out slowly through small, critical remarks throughout the day. sometimes, both. he’s very difficult when annoyed, but it usually doesn’t last that long. a perfectionistic through and through, his main source of anger usually comes from things not being up to their standards. not good at sparing others’ feelings when he does become irritable. doesn’t like conflict and will go to great lengths to avoid it. in those occasions where he does have to face it, he will approach it from his feelings and mistakenly place little importance on who is right and who is wrong. yongguk will react to the emotions he’s going through and won’t care whether or not he’s right, which makes him appear irrational and illogic.

background (tldr)

his parents work in the field with doctors without borders.

yongguk was born in seoul and lived there for six years before his parents sent him to yunhwa to stay with his grandparents while they went abroad.

seven years passed, his parents would rarely contact them, much less visit them.

in the meantime, his grandma taught him how to play many instruments, being a musician herself and he was enrolled in kwangsook academy.

at thirteen they returned and guk moved with them back to seoul. around this time he became more reserved and quiet, the conversation always focused on his parents achievements and interests.

he made it his goal to become a doctor in hopes of having something in common with them. it was a way to seek their attention and approval.

a year later, a new plan was announced and yongguk was back in yunhwa with his grandparents. he was actually pretty happy about this.

started taking his studies seriously in his junior year of high school, going to the extent of dropping music and every other altogether.

he successfully managed to get into pusan national university, school medicine.

however, the whole experience was something he wasn’t ready for at all. for a year and half he struggled to keep up with his classmates and was utterly ashamed to compare his simple goal of wanting to get closer to his parents to the drive of everyone else.

he drops out after talking with his grandfather, a successful doctor himself.

initially excited to get the chance of truly discovering what he wanted to do, a single call from his father deterred his enthusiasm. he was supposed to return to yunhwa, instead he decided to move in with a friend and stay in busan… where everything goes downhill.

at only twenty and under the fake pretense that he’d get his act together, he allows himself to make mistakes and act recklessly, secretly wishing that’d be enough to get his parents attention.

he found temporary jobs all around busan and never lasted too long, but he still made money and that’s the only thing he really cared about at the moment. things aren’t great, but they aren’t that bad, or so he tells himself.

at twenty one, he gets a full sleeve on his left arm as well as many piercings. a couple of weeks after this, his grandparents decided to pay him a surprise visit and the state of his apartment as well as life… is not optimal.

coincidence or not, his parents video called them at that moment. it was the first time he heard from them in a year, and it was the last time as well.

seems like only his appearance was enough to finally trigger some sort of emotion from his father, but it wasn’t really the kind he was looking for. it was anger and he could clearly see the disappointment in his eyes. a heated argument ensues, one that ends with “you’re not our son anymore.”

perhaps it came a little too late, but it was the much needed wake up call to get his act together. not in order to mend the relationship with his parents, he knew that’d be impossible. but more so, for himself.

he perks up at a suggestion from his grandmother, one that was about a long forgotten hobby of his: photography. he remembers an old shoe box filled with polaroids and undeveloped films under his bed.

thus, he stays in busan after enrolling in a community college for a year-long photography class. around this time, one of his aunts offered him a job as a bartender in her bar and since then he’s been helping her every now and then. he says it’s for extra money, but in reality is a way to repay her from hiring him when no one else would.

after he was done with his course and had saved enough money to get a decent camera, he decided it was time to go back to yunhwa.

he returned three years ago. luckily, his reputation there remained intact and he wanted it to stay that way thus hiding the ink on his skin with long sleeves and removing the jewelry whenever he was outside.

yongguk moved back with his grandparents, this time to help them out and take care of his grandmother who started to get a little ill. he picked up playing and making music after finding his long abandoned drum set in the garage.

with the help of his grandfather, he opened his very own stall called “kodachrome” where he takes photos for ids, sells prints of his own work (mostly of yunhwa’s scenery) as well as books sessions for photoshoots.

a year and half ago, however, he had to find a new place. his grandparents decided to retire and move to jeju. thankfully, he managed to get a deal to rent a house from one of his grandma’s friends. the house was a little too big thus he decided to post an ad online looking for roommates to share the space and ease the expenses.

in the present, yongguk is still running his stall and getting contacted every blue moon by small influencers and event planners looking for his services. three nights a week, he goes back to busan to work for his aunt at the bar and every other night he has gigs with a band, which was randomly created after having far too many drinks with his roommates.

background (full)

tw: mentions of needles, tattoos, substances but nothing too graphic.

ae yongguk was the name given to you and and your endearing smiles as well as adorable dimples seemed to be more than enough to have everyone coddling and cosseting you from the get-go. nonetheless, permanency was never on your parents’ agenda. by the time you turned six, they moved away and you were shoved into your grandparents’ household in yunhwa.

it’s difficult to comprehend the sudden change, being told that you’d be living with them for some time. how much? they don’t specify, but the next thing you know is that you’re wordlessly bidding goodbye to your parents, who promised to write and come back for you soon. they didn’t. being part of doctors without borders and making it their goal to offer medical aid where it’s needed most, they put their humanitarian labor before parenthood.

the first letter you got arrived eight months after they left. there’s disappointment and there’s also heartbreak, but they don’t last long. you don’t allow them to regardless of your young age. instead, you focus on how your grandfather, despite having severe and strict ways, squeezed your shoulder and offered the small smile that you know all too well now. or how your grandmother, a renowned musician, didn’t hesitate to shower you in unconditional love. your education didn’t cease and your grandfather immediately enrolled you at kwangsook academy.

one of your most prominent traits is how transparent you are with your emotions and your grandmother easily learnt to read this. it was no surprise that the first time you saw her playing a beautiful song on her baby grand and your irises sparkled with curiosity, she immediately beckoned you closer. “hi, my love.” the elderly woman greeted while shifting a little so you could take a seat beside her. you meet her eyes and you wonder if she’s looking for anything by the time an easy smile appears on her face. “do you like music?” you’re unable to respond, but she must’ve seen something because, after that, she started teaching you the basics of piano. a couple of days later, she asked again and this time around, the answer naturally slipped out of your mouth: i love it.

for your regular classes, you were constant and responsible. sure, you enjoyed learning, but your interest wasn’t inherently there. it was just something you had to do. however, when it came to that newfound love for music of yours, you were the one with the initiative to ask for more lessons and practice whenever you had free time; first the piano, later the guitar and a couple of years later you made the stubborn decision to learn the drums.

it was nice staying in yunhwa, it brought you a comforting sense of belonging. it was the beginning of finding your own voice; discovering your likes and dislikes, some of your talents and even the chance of making friends. however, there was always a lingering question in the back of your mind and a deep sadness you rarely showed: when are my parents coming back?

they do, but only for a short period of time.

you had only turned thirteen, but the moment you saw them you were but an excited kid, joyously yelling and running to hug them, but they greeted you rather… frivolously. you try to ignore the breach between you and them, which you felt the most when you were holding your mother’s hand; her skin a couple of degrees colder than your grandma’s. they ask how you were doing and, in your frenzy, you start talking about everything that’s happened all this time only to be interrupted; the voice you were starting to grow inevitably drowned in the sea of their own achievements and stories.

it’s then that they tell you they’d move to seoul and you’re to go with them. apparently, with the intention to settle down and give it a go to having a normal family. you say goodbye to your grandparents, and unlike your mom and dad, the promises of staying in touch with them are real.

you were silent and reserved around your parents. you had to after learning that no matter what you tried to tell them, the conversation always ended being about what interested them. for a while you pretended to be okay with it, but soon you started wishing they paid as much attention to you as they did to their cause. it made you think that, by immersing yourself in that world, you might be able to keep them interested long enough or make them proud, and your very own obsession to become a doctor started right there. simple questions that had your parents perk up are what made you believe that your plan isn’t too far fetched.

luckily, you were able to retreat to your music whenever everything became too overwhelming, but even this wasn’t enough to stop an ever growing beast called dissatisfaction from making your chest its home. it increases in size and sometimes it’s so big that you’re unable to keep it in your ribcage, coming to light with rebellious little acts such as not doing your homework or bluntly strumming your guitar late at night. eventually, unspoken words and jumbled thoughts find their way into old notebooks full of an amateur’s unfinished songs.

it’s exactly a year later that they announced their new plans of moving to the other side of the world, plans that didn’t take you into consideration at all. it was disappointing, but not really surprising. still, you were able to comprehend the nature of their jobs, after all they were brilliant doctors and only a handful were willing to offer the assistance your parents did. you stop expecting things to change after the farewells you exchanged with them. you wished them the best and truly meant it.

going back to yunhwa at fourteen is something you anticipate; your grandmother welcomed you with your favorite food and your grandfather with a blank notebook. “for your songs, son” he said with that smile of his, learning about this new hobby of yours from one of the many mails you sent them. both were happy about your return and helped you pick up your studies where you last left them.

it’s in your junior year at high school when you truly get serious about your studies, medical school was your single goal. even though you’ve come to terms with the relationship you had with your parents, a hopeful part of you genuinely believed that becoming a doctor would help breach the distance.

and so you do, dropping music altogether and every other hobby that “needlessly” consumed your time and energy. it was admittedly exhausting and you were obviously miserable without playing any instrument. the sleepless nights and the isolation you brought upon yourself paid off the moment you received the news of your acceptance at pusan national university. that very night, you got a call from your parents congratulating you.

for the next year and a half, however, things prove to be extremely challenging when you find yourself amongst thousands of students whose drive and ambition is stronger than simply wanting to get close to their parents. it’s shameful, you admit and the constant pressure as well as the competitive environment soon takes a toll on you, but it was much needed for you to start questioning everything; yourself, your goals and if it was really what you wanted.

the person who helps you to fully come to this realisation is none other than your grandfather, another renowned doctor in your family. it’s shocking to hear him encouraging you to drop out and follow your dreams. truth is you were far too concerned chasing after a hopeless goal than to craft ambitions and dreams for yourself. still, you follow his advice even when you are completely at loss about what the next step would be.

if news of your acceptance travelled fast, so did the news of your departure. you got a call shortly after and all you heard was “we’re very disappointed” followed by radio silence before your father hung up. you were nineteen, about to turn twenty, when they last talked to you.

their silence becomes one of your many excuses to make mistakes and act recklessly; if your good behaviour and your previous little act didn’t catch their attention, this surely will. it’s your shield against the disapproval in your grandfather’s eyes, and that very shield is what stops him from stopping you. even when you told him you wouldn’t return to yunhwa, instead moving to one of your friend’s apartment in the heart of busan.

it’s amusing how easily your grandfather believes your fake promises of trying to get your life together and you feel awful for being such a good liar. you find decent jobs, but never stay too long. unnecessary fights with customers or blatant irresponsibility are the main reasons that force you to find a new one every couple of weeks. you’ve been many things: a busser, a server, even a mascot. you didn’t mind much as long as you were paid.

you willingly dive into a void filled with indulgence and bad decisions. all in order to not think, to not dwell on the future. you used every situation you could possibly get yourself into as a distractor from the painful reality. you were lost, so utterly lost.

twenty one comes around and you decide that, for the first time ever, you’re going to gift yourself something. a permanent work of art, its canvas your skin.

three monthly salaries were spent on black and red ink which reminded you of your favorite place. the needle pierces your skin once, twice, hundred times until your arm is almost fully covered… maybe it was a metaphor, a feeble attempt to display something bright and wonderful on someone who otherwise had long lost every trace of that. it was not enough and a couple of piercings follow in trying to beautify the sheer mess you’ve made of yourself.

some nights you question your own strength and sanity. you used to be pristine, someone to be proud of and an exemplary resident of the town you fondly call home. you were constant, had talent and a midas touch that turned meaningless words into beautiful songs, scribbles onto paper into melodies that had every listener humming along.

what happened to you, boy? says a voice in your head… or is it from your chest? is it the dissatisfaction you’ve tried to keep locked for years? all it took was to be called a disappointment once for you to willingly become one?

it consumes you and every passing day it becomes louder, but you’re stubborn and simply take it as a challenge to find new ways to drown it. headachingly loud music, poisonous substances, liquid trust or the ecstasy under someone’s fingertips… the city swallows you whole and provides you with momentary sweet oblivion but… is the aftermath of impeding remorse worth it? it is, you convince yourself while running back into it’s arms night after night.

one day, without warning, three knocks come onto your door and when you’re about to curse whoever disrupted your game, you’re met with your grandparents. your appearance is deplorable; bloodshot eyes, greasy hair and alarming signs of lack of proper sleep. it hurt to see your grandmother, as crystal clear as you wear, worried and at loss of words. a thing the city taught you was to be a pretender and so you ignore every sign of concern in their faces while smiling at them. “long time no see!” you say cheerfully.

it’s a quiet visit. they don’t know what to tell you or where to start, and neither do you feel a need to fill the awkward silence when your grandfather’s phone went off. he answers without thinking to a videocall and the voice that greets him has you freezing on your spot. father. your face falls and your eyes widen in obvious panic when he asks about you. the older man in the room seems to be equally as frantic as you when he glances at you, taking in how you look before your father speaks again.

“oh, is yongguk there? let me talk to him.” his authoritative tone was enough to have your grandfather turning the phone towards you. it’s late, far too late to fix yourself or even try to hide the glaringly bright red ink on your arm. so, in your frenzy, you decide to play cynical. what else could you lose, right? “hey, dad.” you greet with a shameless smile upon your lips. “your timing is as impeccable as ever.”

the argument that ensues forces you to retreat to your room and you thank whatever universal force that your roommate decided to have a weekend-long trip. it’s a heated fight, and you realize midway through that this is the longest conversation you’ve ever had with your father. why is it that the most display of emotion you get from him is when you don’t follow his ridiculous standards? he gets louder, so do you and it escalates to irreversible words. the last thing he says is “you’re not our son anymore” followed by silence.

then you laugh.

you laugh over the irony of an absent father saying such a thing. you laugh because you don’t want to allow him see you hurting. you laugh at how fucked up the whole situation is. “doesn’t make a difference, does it?” you say between unabashed chuckles. “not like you ever acted like a father, anyway.” and you hang up, your legs giving in and only then did you notice that your whole body had been shaking this whole time.

you muffle a scream on a pillow while feeling so alone and like the butt of the cruelest joke. you want to hate your father and your mother. you want to despise them for their horrible behavior. instead, you find yourself crying like an abandoned kid wanting, yearning for the love that wasn’t given to him. you want to run, to disappear, to hide where no one can find you.

then, two arms wraps around you and even though your grandmother is a little smaller than you, you find yourself feeling protected under her embrace. shortly after comes a pat on your head from your grandfather. you look up at those brown eyes full of wisdom and, when he tells you “everything will be okay, son.” you wholeheartedly believe him

because, a year later, things started looking up.

[whorangecassidy]

MASSIVE vent under the cut eek

i know ive said it before but quarantine hit me (for real this time) emotionally HARD today and im feeling way too much. both good and bad things but just the fucking volume of emotions hitting me feels like garbage in the end. i think its been 3 weeks for me coming up on saturday?

the break from work honestly is amazing because ive been working at my job for a little over a year and a half consistently with only a few days breaks in between. its literally not a bad job at all, i work 4 days a week and am off 3 (theyre almost never back to back, schedules are normally me working tues & wed, off thurs, work fri & sat and stuff like that) so i have no right to complain because i do absolutely get rest. its just.. the social battery aspect where if im constantly at something the longer i need to recharge and i feel like ive been burnt the fuck out at work for the past few months bc whenever i have off i rest and dont do anything productive for my home life while worrying about going back to work. so this break was absolutely needed for me.

but (i know this is my own fault) ive been holed up in my room alone the entire 3 weeks. i hung out with [redacted] ONCE and that was only for about an hour and because we had a mini emergency we needed to handle. i miss watching smackdown with [redacted, different person] every friday (even though she keeps trying to get me to write her smut fanfic), i cant see her because she’s an essential employee and could risk getting me sick if i see her. my other group of friends are essential too so i cant drink with them, ive been drinking by my fucking self alone in my room with my sister checking on me every once in a while to make sure i dont accidentally hurt myself.

and the yearning does NOT help the situation at all lmao. ive always been a hopeless romantic, ive never dated anyone in my life. never kissed. closest thing i ever got to literally anything was my crush putting his hand on my thigh when i was 16. i cant communicate with people, it makes me so fucking nervous. its a fact that ive got anxiety, and to be quite honest with all the social issues i had growing up (and still have!!) i think i might have some sort of developmental disorder as well. but ive had all this love and emotion pent up inside me with nowhere to go for 20 years and i swear to god i might explode. i hate it!! i hate it so much!! every time i post soft thoughts and stuff like that my heart shatters because ive never had anything even remotely like that and i just.. need to physically feel something- anything- with someone

i know in order to feel better i need to get up and fucking do something. but when you spiral its so fucking hard to get out, and the fact that i literally cant go out anywhere i want to go is making it a thousand times harder than it usually is. and like i said before this “vacation” is helping me recharge and im so thankful for it, but i also haven't been alone with my thoughts this long in over a year and theyre hitting me so unbelievably hard.

i have literally nothing to complain about. my family is safe, we’re not in financial distress, nothing bad has happened to me or anyone around me. its just my own shitty mind pulling out the fucking firing squad on me for no god damn reason. so i know ill be fine. ive always been fine. i always will be fine. i just needed to put this out somewhere because holy fuck its so much tonight.

if youre reading this, your probably a mutual, so im gonna say some stuff. every time i say “i love you” i mean it sincerely from the bottom of my heart. even if we dont talk. you guys have gotten me through the better bulk of this situation. if i didnt have you guys to just be a lovey-dovey weirdo with who knows where i wouldve been. and just for funsies to name a few names- ellie, tess, alma, ashley, emi, dani, dirt, rj, joey, eloise, soda, hell anyone who’s ever interacted with my posts- you guys are the fucking coolest and i love you so much. thank you.

[hugsfromdad]

(3) and that the friend I like was worried that it was too late and that I was over her. Now I’m wondering if maybe she still likes me, but I don’t want to completely ruin our friendship if I tell her again that I like her and that’s not the case with her.But I also don’t want to wait too long to tell her in case she does like me but begins to move on.So do I just take the risk and confess that I still like her and ask how she feels?Sorry this was kinda long, I hope you’re having a good summer❤️

3/3

Kiiiddddd omg. This is a lot. But it's good!!

I totally think you should go for it. If you two are that close as it is, y'all should be able to weather out whatever, even if she doesnt have feeling anymore. But tbh, it sounds like she might have them for you still.

I recently have just been going for things. And honestly, I feel so so so much better. I have asked girls I liked if they like me back, ive been honest with others about my feelings, and really, it been putting my heart at ease in a lot of ways.

Life is so so so so short and fragile--TOO short and fragile to avoid going after a person you love who you have a good chance to have something with! Just be honest and open. Dont need to be over the top about it. Just like a "hey, can we talk? Ive been so stressed and confused about how to deal with this situation because you are so incredibly important to me and I would never want to do anything to jeopardize our friendship, or make you feel uncomfortable. However, i do still have feelings for you. Its not something I'm telling you cause i want you to feel pressured to reciprocate, but i wanted to say something. Cause my biggest fear is not saying anything and missing out of something we could have had but missed cause neither of us spoke our feelings."

It doesnt have to be exactly like that^^, but maybe/hopefully that gives your some verbage as to what you might want to say(?)

I wrote a message to someone earlier this summer cause I was in this exact situation. I was tired of freaking out and not sleeping, so i just wrote it all out, in a fashion similar to what's written above (but so much longer cause im a long winded bitch) and i told her everything. And honestly, I felt so much calmer afterwards. I hoghly recommend it.

AND, im gonna say this too: even if it doesnt work out, she is immature about it are or freaks out and y'all stop being friends, you will be able to hold your head high and have a peace about you because you were honest and open, and that's what a true friend does. My situation after I sent that message...started out really well, and then she got weird and stopped communicating and I dont even know what's going on with her. HOWEVER, i actually have a lot of peace about it because I know that it wasnt me. That i was honest and open and consistent. And I did nothing wrong. Whatever is going on is something she needs to figure out and contact me about.

I know my situation on the surface probably doesnt inspire a lot of courage, but i actually hope if you look deeper that it does; I was having an existential crisis for months on end as well. I was constantly freaking out and wondering. (Its the fucking wondering that absolutely shredded me from the inside) but because I finally spoke it, I feel at peace now. Even though it didnt go the best way.

I.👏 Feel.👏 At.👏 Peace.

Soo.... TLDR: go for it! Even if it doesn't end as you hope, you will finally get answers and can stop freaking out about it. You wont have it simmering just below the surface, adding pressure and making you feel inssne and like youre about to explode.

Please please please keep my posted on what happens! Good or bad.

And as always, sending you love and hugs and strong and courageous vibes. You're so incredibly brave for being vulnerable.

💕- dad

[marvelous-avengers]

touched starved!steve rogers headcanon

warnings: fluff and some curses and its long because i cannot control myself

everyone is always talking about how Bucky is touch starved but what about that lil punk Steve Rogers

Steve Rogers may be that bitch™ that is petty and dramatic and doesn’t follow all the rules but my boy is also that person that is so classically reserved

yeah he picked fights with jerks on the block because his temper is more finicky than momma june on a hot summer day

but this boy is so polite and such a gentleman to a t because that is how he was raised and how he thinks it should be and he would rather perish than disrespect how his mama taught him how to treat a lady

and we all know that my poor baby skinny steve was never touched by a woman in his adult life

(i have so many feelings about this and im trying to articulate it in the best way that i can)

my mans steve rogers is so classic and poster boy USA (which also explains a lot)

i mean have you seen his stance? all broad shoulders and tall and shit, arms by his side or hands neatly folded it gets me so frustrated

he is so rigid sometimes and sprung like a motherfucking coil

(remember The Avengers Steve Rogers? that mofo)

i think that like Bucky, sometimes affectionate touch is so foreign to him

he’s way more open about it than his best friend, because we have seem him interact with other team members but there is still something so reserved about him

handshakes and back pats and things that qualify as friendly are a no-brainer for his big lug but imagine when he starts getting affection from his SO

i believe that Steve Rogers is a classic man–in that he believes certain PDA should be private and reserved to the bedroom

at least to start

the relationship starts off slow because Steve Rogers is classic and a gentleman but also because he has no idea what the frickity frack he’s doing

like the boy is nervous

“maybe a movie and some dinner?” “steve are you asking me to netflix and chill?”

can you just imagine that face he makes for a minute for me pls&thankyou

but dates consist of a healthy mix of actually going out and staying in

at first it’s very light, very basic, like hand holding or an arm around your shoulders, or a gentle hand on your back

a) because it’s very natural for him as the protector and b) something affectionate that is not so foreign to him because some of these pass off as friendly to others and that is what he is used to

steve is not overly affectionate by nature but is protective by nature so that’s where a lot of his touch comes from

you start small by leaning into his side ever so slightly or by grabbing his bicep when you’re holding hands and he loves that™

steve’s biceps are a kink all on their own, don’t fight me on this

i think that physical touch with steve is slow and steady because of his classic and reserved nature

he always somehow has a hand on you whenever you two are together and it varies on where depending on if you’re out in public or with people or by yourself. it varies from hands interlaced to a hand on the small of your back to an arm around the back of your chair to a hand on your knee

chaste kisses to anywhere on your faces are to be expected but are the most pda he can manage and it makes him blush like crazy at the beginning

god pls bless me with this classic boi

he is comforted a lot by your touch and by feeling your skin, as you are with him so everything y’all do is dumbfucking cute and natural and makes that big dopey smile appear on his face

HOWEVER when you have your first good heated make-out session, boy is he done for

this motherfucker is wound so goddamn tight from years of being Steve Rogers™ and the Golden Boy™

he’s trying to be good and keep his hands on your face or sides but when you slip yours into his hair and give the slightest of tugs he fucking snaps

something between a groan and a whimper come out of him and that good boy Rogers image you have of him is tarnished in the best way

“rogers did you just growl at me?” steve blushes, “pls do that again”

it starts the exploration of What Else is Steve Rogers Hiding

simply put he absolutely adores your body. loves the curves and lines and blemishes and valleys and all it has to offer. tells you constantly and reaffirms it by kissing you everywhere

loves skin to skin contact more than anything

he damn near explodes the first time y’all are intimate

“steve are you blushing?”

loves sleeping skin to skin/shirtless together/naked, and sometimes when he’s feeling vulnerable he will ask you if its okay to sleep like that (your answer is always yes)

other times he simply puts his hand up your shirt and just strokes your skin

he loves being the big spoon and curling his arms around you, nuzzling his nose in the back of your neck. he’ll interlace your fingers or he loves holding onto the curve of your abdomen right below your breast

he loves when he lies on his back and you’re curled into him, he can hold you and stroke your back. bonus. 

sometimes you’ll switch and he’ll use your boobs as pillows as he latches onto you like a big baby koala

the man can’t keep his hands off you™ and is literally always touching you

he holds your hand constantly and always plays with your fingers

he’s still reserved in front of the team but trusts them enough to let some things slip by

movie night in the tower? you two are curled together on the couch with a blanket. sitting around chatting or reading? he’s got your legs over his and is stroking them. having lunch on the roof or balcony? he’ll push some hair out of your face or bring your intertwined hands and kiss your knuckles absentmindedly

the man loves. to. touch. you.

in front of everyone else its cute and affectionate and contained but when no one else is around it is out of pure need to be as physically close to you as possible

he loves you so fucking much it makes his heart sing and he always feels better when you’re around and when you’re touching him

he’s had so many people ripped away from him that he needs that reassurance of touching you, it grounds him and reaffirms that you are here and that you are real

once when he just got back from a long mission everyone else had gone out but you had stayed behind with him and made dinner

he stood behind you and wrapped his big hands around you while you cooked and he just kind of curled around you, pressing kisses everywhere he could reach

once you finished eating and cleaned the dishes you two settle on the couch to watch a movie and he immediately relaxes as he wraps his arms around you

he’s like an enormous puppy tbh

you end up on your back and he’s nestled himself into you, head on your chest and arms around your middle as you run your fingers thru his hair while the other slips through his collar to rub his back

he melts and is practically puddy in your hands, passing out in minutes and you follow soon after

when everyone else gets back thats how they find you and everyone wants to take pictures but bucky (who is also protective of your relationship and privacy) tells everyone to leave you two be and so they do

but he snaps a picture and sends it to steve, knowing he’ll appreciate it. he also sends it to you

it becomes steve’s lock screen

please like/reblog and comment! send me more headcanons, i am a thirsty bitch™

[all-hail-the-witcher]

questionable government spies: chapter 5

AH YES FINALLLLLLLY like im actually so excited this is the last chapter before we get to the good stuff eeeee

as always previous parts can be found under spy boys

__________

ship: eventual space, platonic ralbert, platonic jackcrutchie

warnings: uh, I think not, Albert is tired and jacks an idiot

word count: 2066

editing: uhhh actually yes

__________

Two nights after he had moved in with Crutchie, jack was awoken sometime in the early hours of the morning by an ear piercing scream.

He bolted upright and was out of bed in a second, only pausing to grab one of his sneakers off the floor. Suddenly, he was thankful for the strange training drills Race and Albert had put him through, specifically the one they had called What To Do If Someone Breaks Into Your House With A Gun And You Only Have A Rubber Band. They had claimed that it was based off of real events, but jack suspected they just wanted him to do stupid things and make him look like a fool for future blackmail. But then again, it was Race and Albert, you could never be too sure with them.

Jack ran down the hall and slid into the kitchen in his Cookie Monster socks, wielding his shoe above his head ready to take on whatever intruder had dared enter their apartment. But all he saw when he entered the kitchen was Crutchie staring transfixed at his laptop, grinning like a maniac.

“Jack! Oh my god I did it!” Crutchie squealed in delight. “I cra- wait a second.” He looked up, taking in his friends lackluster fight stance and his lame weapon. “What are you doing?”

Jack sheepishly lowered his shoe. “You screamed. I thought there was an intruder.”

Crutchie stared at Jack for a solid 5 seconds before he burst out laughing. “You thought - so you - a shoe?” He couldn’t seem to get the words out.

“Shoes, I’ll have you know, are very useful weapons,” jack said proudly. “Albert knows 15 different ways to kill someone with a sneaker.” He bragged about it all the time. It was the reason why he only owned sneakers.

Crutchie finally regained his composure. “And has he taught you any of those ways?”

“Well….no.” Jack stared at his feet.

“Then why the heck would you come out here with a shoe to face an intruder?”

Crutchie did have a point. “I’m not sure…?”

“Don’t those guys teach you anything?” Crutchie continued clacking away at the keys on his computer.

“Race taught me how to get out of bed in less than 3 seconds, how to properly stash weapons in a ball gown, and fall off a roof without dying. And Albert taught me how to store 17 knives in a leather jacket, how to safely ingest several kinds of poison and how to ignore Race’s commentary.” Jack supplied quietly as he looked at his feet.

“My point exactly.” Crutchie said.

Jack dropped his shoe on the ground dejectedly. “So, why were you screaming if there isn’t an intruder?”

“Oh, right!” Crutchie perked up, turning his computer around to face jack. He could get distracted very easily. “I cracked the code!” A smile spread across his face.

“Really?!” Jack felt his own face explode into a grin. “That’s fantastic, crutch! What does it say?”

“Well it's a little confusing,” Crutchie began. “But I think it could be a real breakthrough in the case.”

“Read it to me.” For the past two days Jack, along with Race and Albert had been looking for leads on the case with no luck whatsoever. If this note gave them something to go off of then they could finally get started.

“Okay here’s what it says,” Crutchie began to read off of his laptop. “My best friend is in Ymony and he wants out. Leaving punishable by death or imprisonment. Name is conlon. Will give you information and help you bring them down in exchange for freedom. Please help.”

Jack was silent for a minute. This was exactly what they needed. “I’m going to call Race and Albert, this is huge.”

•••

It was 2:12 am when race stormed into Crutchie and Jacks apartment, dragging a half asleep Albert behind him. “Jack Francis Kelly this better be good.”

Luckily, Crutchie spoke up almost immediately. “I cracked the code!”

Albert took his head off of Race’s shoulder and opened his eyes. “Do we have a name?”

“A last name, we think,” jack supplied.

“Make me some coffee,” race announced, cracking his knuckles and looking already more awake than he had 2 minutes ago. “We’re not leaving until we find this sucker.”

•••

Turned out, Race was very serious when he said they weren’t leaving until they found the suspect. It was now close to 4 and race was on his 4th cup of coffee as he sat on the couch, clacking away at his laptop, searching through tax records from the previous year. At the counter, Crutchie was sifting through police records and Jack was hunting through social security numbers and birth certificates.

“Are we done yet, race?” Albert mumbled. His eyes were closed and he had his head on race’s shoulder, but jack knew he wasn’t asleep because he chimed in with information every few minutes.

“Not yet.” Race responded, pausing to flick his blonde hair out of his eyes and take a sip of coffee. “You can go to sleep, you know. I know you’re tired.”

“Can’t.” Albert cracked open an eye to peer at Races computer screen. “You looked at this page already.”

“Ugh, you’re right,” race groaned, clicking onto the next page. “How did you even know that?”

“M smart,” Albert yawned, closing his eyes again.

“Yeah yeah, you keep telling yourself that,” race paused to copy down a name that he would research later, “if you were really smart, you’d be helping me instead of sleeping.”

“Nah,” Albert muttered. “You’re smarter, that’s why I’m letting you do it.”

Race snorted. “Why thank you, Albert. You’re very endearing when you’re half asleep,” he said sarcastically, not taking his eyes off the screen.

Jack paused his work to watch the two of them banter. He’d missed having Albert around the last week. He’d actually missed him way more than he would like to admit. The last year he’d spent with race and Albert had been the best year of his life. The two of them had welcomed him into their little family with open arms. They had done pretty much the same thing he had done: ran away from home and joined the FBI at a young age. Well, at least race had, he knew Albert still had some family that he kept in contact with. Jack had no one. For the longest time it had been him and Crutchie and whatever foster home they’d been placed in (the two of them had met on the street when they were 5 and pretended to be siblings so they wouldn’t be separated). With race and Albert, jack felt like for the first time he had a stable place to go home to. They were like the older brothers he had never had, constantly looking out for him and taking care of him and teaching him little tricks here and there. The first night he had spent back with Crutchie at his apartment had actually been strange, jack was not used to living anywhere without either race or Albert.

When race had gotten the call last week that Albert was dead, he took the call quietly. Jack could still remember exactly what they had been doing. They had gotten home from the mission two hours before, and dumped their gear on the entryway floor to be cleaned later. Albert hadn’t been with them, but that wasn’t out of the ordinary, he’d usually join them a few hours later. Jack had just showered and was sitting in the couch watching an episode of Psych and race was in the kitchen, hair still damp, wearing an oversized blue sweatshirt making pasta. The phone had rang. Not Races cell phone, the apartment one that was reserved for important calls from the FBI. Jack had paused the tv as race answered. Race had answered the call with a quiet hello and the call had consisted mainly of many yes sirs and no sirs. Jack had sat silently on the couch for what felt like an eternity while Race has been on the phone, a pit growing in his stomach. Finally, race had come over and sat down next to him, quietly telling him that Albert wouldn’t be coming back from the mission.

Jack hadn’t known what to feel, he’d never lost anyone that close to him before that he had been old enough to remember. He had stared at Race in silence for several seconds before tears began to flow. Race had enveloped him in a tight hug and they cried silently together. That night, jack had been unable to sleep and ended up in race’s bed with him, hiccuping softly as the older boy helped try to coax him to rest. The next few days jack had snuck out and lived in his van - he couldn’t stand to be in the apartment or see race without Albert - and didn’t return until the day of the funeral.

But now, Albert was here, and he was alive and in one piece and all of the previous weeks events felt like a bad dream. He was a little nervous at how out of it Albert still seemed - usually he’d be up along with race pulling an all nighter to figure out leads and research suspects instead of almost being asleep - but when he’d asked Race about it, he brushed off his concerns saying Albert just needed time to rest and recuperate after his stunt. In the meantime, jack was just happy to have his brother back.

“Wait,” he was pulled out of his thoughts by Races voice. “I think I found him.”

“Name?” Crutchie called from the counter.

“Sean Patrick Conlon. 24. Lives in Brooklyn.”

Crutchie typed a string of letters into his computer. “Currently lives with Elmer Kasprzak, part time EMT, and co owner of a tattoo shop.” He scrolled and typed a little more. “Parents are dead. Has a sister.” Scrolled some more. “Oh, here we go, only criminal record is getting caught pickpocketing three years ago on the subway. But-” he typed in another string of code. “That file was edited two years ago.”

“Sounds like our guy,” Albert said, still leaning against race. “Does he have an address? Phone number?”

Jack typed for a minute. “Yes, but didn’t the note say “my best friend”? Like it wasn’t written by Sean?” Race and Crutchie nodded and Albert let out a soft snore before jolting awake suddenly and gripping Races hand. “Well, I found an Instagram account for Elmer who posted a picture of him and Sean - except he calls him spot - and the caption refers to him as his “best friend,” maybe we should try him first?”

“And Crutchie said Elmer lives with him, it has to be him who delivered the note. Great idea, Jackie” race nodded in approval, shutting his laptop. “Find Elmer’s number and give him a call right now.” He placed the laptop on the floor and pulled Albert into his lap, calmly running his fingers up and down his back, trying to coax him to sleep.

“Found it,” Crutchie called a minute later. He pulled out the standard issue FBI house phone that was non traceable. “What should I tell him?”

“Tell him that well meet Sean tomorrow at that coffee shop on 8th Avenue up by Central Park, say 3pm. Tell him to come alone and not to bring weapons,” Albert mumbled into Races shoulder, clearly avoiding all of his friends attempts to make him sleep.

Crutchie dialed and relayed the information when someone, Elmer, he supposed, picked up. After a few minutes of chatter he hung up. “Done.”

“Perfect.” Race let go of Albert long enough to stash his laptop back into his bag and shouldered it before standing up, Albert in tow. “If you’ll excuse us, I need to get Albie back home, he needs to sleep. Jack-” he said, and jack looked up. “Meet us at our place tomorrow at 1 so we can go over the plan, and don’t be late.”

Jack nodded and watched race and Albert go, door closing softly behind them.

“I can see why you’ve become so attached to them,” Crutchie said, putting away his computer. “They seem nice and caring, and they’ve adopted you into their family.”

Jack smiled. “Yeah,” he whispered. “Yeah they have.”

__________

ooooooo we got a little look at jack isn't he the cutest thing and crutchie well, he isn't in it much but I love him too

and look at that cute platonic ralbert race is such a caring boi awwww

the next chapter is my favorite hehehe

feedback is always appreciated hmu to be on the tag list

tag list

@fairly-awkward-trashcan

@well-the-kids-do-too

@racetrackcook

@bouncyscreamingnewsboys

@ughwaitwhat

@aw-jus-let-em-try

@ben-cook-can-cook

@the-woild-is-my-what-now

@elmer-s-s0cks

@voice-foundshoe-lost

@galaxy-trees13

@stopthe-presses

@ridin-in-style

@pinecovewoods

@imjusttheoutgoingsidekick

@i-got-no-clue-what-im-doing

@bencookisagod

@be-more-chill-evan-hansen

@hellasoulless

@stellar-alpaca

@saxoph-ella

@smolcanadiangirl

@the-kool-aid-man-is-real

@the-newsies-justice-for-zas-blog

@insane-tomato

@so-up-rolls-a-riot-van

@spot-conlon-king-of-brooklyn

[raitrolling]

what ive got on the newtroll so far:

ive got a surname settled (Shoket, dervied from ‘Kishoutenketsu’, or the classical Japanese narrative structure), but first names are... difficult to decide on

so far ive got:

Vietra (from ‘Vitreorana’, genus of glass frogs)

Sallin (Name after JD Salinger, as he is mentioned in The Streetlight Manifesto’s Here’s to Life, in the verse that was one of the primary inspirations behind this troll)

but im not rly feeling either 100%

their other inspirations include The Craving, Ghost Quartz from HnK, Kawai Miki from KnK, as well as media analysis videos and screenplays in general

their lusus is a glass frog, although it looks more like the attack frogs from Spyro, and they live in a small dreary-looking fishing town that seems to be perpetually raining, vaguely inspired by fictional locations such as Innsmouth and Damocles Dock/Lake Lachrymose

and other infodump stuff i wrote at like 3am last night

Screenplay writer who recently made it ‘big’, their scripts have been picked up by directors and they often get sought out to make scripts

However, their initial visions are constantly changed to the point where the finished movie is nigh-unrecognisable

They like writing screenplays that are Deep(tm): abstract plots with open-ended interpretations and often unsatisfying conclusions unless you spend time trying to create meaning, complex and morally grey characters with no clear protagonist and antagonist, etc.

-> (This tends to get santised by directors so that theyre more ‘viewer-friendly’ i.e. very basic and barebones to reach a widespread audience and make that $$$sick dosh$$$)

Also works at a library so they have a bit of an escape from their main career

Constantly stressed out due to deadlines and frustrated by how badly their visions are mutilated by the industry, but only barely seems to be keeping it together

Appears nervous, very fidgety, stutters / repeats words a lot

They have a nail-biting habit, as well as a picking stray threads from clothing habit, as well as a hair twirling when nervous habit...

Somewhat jokingly referred to as the library’s ghost by both their co-workers and regular customers, due to their ability to seemingly appear out of nowhere (they’re just very quiet and have little physical presence until they actually speak up)

(They’re a ghostwriter geddit)

The town they live in seems to be constantly raining, and with a fairly transient population consisting of mostly fishermen. They tend to travel to the next town over for shopping supplies, as well as the library

The relative dreariness of their life tends to affect their screenplays, and they find it difficult to write anything that isn’t somber in tone, as well as their personality being rather quiet and downcast

Despite being praised by directors and producers as being brilliant, they’re constantly frustrated at themselves for not being able to create something that doesn’t get badly mutilated once it leaves their hands, and resent their superiors for possibly lying to them to get them to keep writing for them

However, they consider that these gigs will one day give them the recognition to be able to write scripts as a standalone screenplay writer and finally get a faithful adaption of their visions, so they go along with it

They also don’t really like conflict, and tend to let people walk all over them

While usually they can keep a hold on their stress levels, when they do get pushed too far they explode -> shrieking, panicking, losing their filter and telling people exactly what they think of them, etc.

They also tend to get kinda… Murder-y as their only outlet to remove stress

(Read: They’re a serial killer known for butchering their victims in brutal (and decidedly non-poetic) ways)

They fervently deny this, however - to the point where they can dissociate entirely from the situation at hand

This has also developed into them denying their outbursts and refusing to apologise because obviously they would never get angry! theyre shy and meek and dont like fighting at all!

(This isn’t intentional gaslighting, but rather their denial/dissociation is so strong they legitimately cannot fathom themself doing such a thing)

They’re a staunch vegetarian, seeing any sort of meat in general tends to disgust them (especially troll meat…)

They don’t have many hobbies outside of their work: They like reading and media analysis in order to further strengthen their screenwriting, but that’s about it

The concept of gardening interests them, but their town doesn’t lend to sustainable agriculture

They have the hive design sense of an old grandma: doilies on everything, cabinets full of china, potpourri and lavender scented shit everywhere, That Floral Grandma Carpet

Other hobbies...? idfk

[uniformbravo]

animorphs liveblogs, this time a marco book so u already know it’s gonna be a party am i Right boys,,,,,

---

i read so much goddamn animorphs today and update: marco is, once again, ruining my life,

this is actually one of the very few books i personally own (out of two to be precise) so i am. Somewhat familiar. vaguely. let’s fuckin.,.., Do this

-

[from the back cover of the book]

But Marco's personal stress is causing him to morph into creatures that don't exist.

“marco’s personal stress” this should be...... fun

-

My name is Marco. But you can call me "Marco the Mighty." Or "Most Exalted Destroyer of My Pride." You can cower before my mighty thumbs and beg for mercy, but you'll be crushed just the same. For I am the lord of the PlayStation. Pick a game. Any game. Tekken. Duke Nukem. NFL Blitz. Whatever. Practice all you want. I'll still beat you. I'll crush you like Doc Martens crush ants. I'll -

i hate him. ia hhate him so mugjfn

-

"I was just watching his show -" Rachel cut me off. "You were watching William Roger Tennant? Marco looking for advice? On what? Coping with shortness?" "I was just channel surfing," I yelled. "That's not the point!

hklJKDJ GOD

-

<This bites,> I said. <Why did we get stuck with the Saturday morning shift? I should be asleep right now. Or watching The Powerpuff Girls.>

Confirmed

-

<You know why you're here,> Cassie replied. <You switched with Jake so you could watch the South Park marathon last night.> <Yeah, but that was before I knew about The Powerpuff Girls marathon,> I grumbled.

SUPER CONFIRMED

-

<Something bothering you, Marco?> Cassie asked. <No, absolutely not.>

jdkdjdsf the avoidance tactics

-

And then there’s Euclid.> <Her toy poodle.> <Satan with a perm. Simple commands like "sit," "stay," "heel" all mean the same thing to this dog: Bark at Marco. Jump on Marco. Bite Marco's ankle.>

ffuckign Good Dog

-

For forty-five minutes we followed William Roger Tennant up the beach and then back to the compound. For forty-five minutes I vented. Cassie may or may not have listened. Every once in a while, she said <”uh-huh”> or <”bummer.”> By the time Tennant walked back through the gate of the compound, I felt a little better.

ok but i just love this so much like. ive mentioned before how i love cassie and marco and this is just so Good this is a Good Scene

-

The first thing to change was my head. It began to shrink. From normal size to the size of a cantaloupe. To grapefruit. To orange. To just slightly bigger than a cherry tomato. <Oh, that's a nice look,> Rachel said. <Now your head finally matches the size of your brain.>

all i want is an animorphs spin off series thats just 100% rachel’s burns on marco they give me so much life

also all i can think about is this pic gkdjlfksdlfkdj

-

ok so this book is rly fun, basically it’s like everyone is super fucked up from this war but marco in particular is so super duper fucked rn he’s reached another plane of fucked he’s on a higher tier of emotional distress and it’s messing with his ability to morph, he’s so spectacularly damaged that he’s experiencing it in new and unprecedented ways he’s fucking evolving he’s ascending

-

"Cassie?" "Hi. Can I come in?" She didn't wait for me to answer but just sort of pushed her way past me. I followed her back to the living room. She turned off the TV and looked expectantly at me. - "You have something to tell me?" "No." "So why are you here?" "I'm here to listen to you." I laughed. "What, are you a shrink now?" She shrugged. "You said it yourself: We can't exactly go to see counselors, can we?"  "Look, I'm fine." "No, you're not," she said. "Jake bought it, Rachel bought it, but I didn't. Something went wrong. I heard it in your thought-speak. You blew another morph." I sat down. I was sure I'd covered. I was sure. But of course this was Cassie. Cassie who knows what people are feeling about five minutes before they do. "Did you tell Jake?" "No. And I won't." "Why not? What happened to it being everyone's concern?" "Because I want you to know you can trust me. You know, enough to talk to."

god like??? their relationship is just So Good i love that cassie is the one to reach out to marco so consistently and genuinely, the only one to offer that kind of support, because he shoves all his pain away and hides it from everyone else but she sees his truth, insightful cassie, and then actually sets out to do something about it 

because let’s not forget jake, who knows every member of his team inside out and Absolutely knows when marco is having problems, but isn’t the same person as cassie. cassie, who worries for her friends. cassie, who wants to help in any way she can. jake sees an issue like this and analyzes its contribution or detriment in relation to a mission, decides whether it’s worth looking into, and acts accordingly. he simply does whatever is necessary to reach the goal. he doesn’t have the time or energy to go chasing after every member of his team every time they break down, because they’re all broken and they all deal with it differently, and that’s really what it comes down to for him: they deal with it. get it done, and deal with it. no time for anything else, just let everyone fix themselves as they do, and move on to the next thing.

which is such an interesting parallel to cassie’s way of dealing with these things. cassie the empathetic healer, who speaks her mind and confronts the issues everyone else glosses over. it’s such a breath of fresh air to see her enter into the situation with pure intention, to fix, to help. these books give such a feeling of loneliness sometimes, spinning tales of personal conflict and avoidance and silent suffering, especially in the case of marco, who deliberately masks his pain with laughter, pain’s polar opposite. cassie is a force of companionship, of understanding in a place where it’s desperately needed, and i think it’s really refreshing, given everything else that happens constantly around her. it’s just really nice, is all i’m saying

-

She ignored my weak attempt at a joke. "And then we found out your mom was still alive. Only she wasn't your mom anymore. Her body had been taken over by a Yeerk. And she was the enemy. Marco, in the space of a few awful months you've gone from believing your mother is dead to almost literally having to try and destroy her." "And you think maybe that's stressful?" I deadpanned. "I think it would have crushed most people," she said. "That mission against her and Visser Three, you were setting her up to take a fall. You were intimately involved with leading Visser One, your mother, into a trap that -" "Shut up! Shut up!" I jerked up off the couch. I had my hands over my ears. Stupid. I took my hands down. They were trembling. "Look, Cassie ..." I started to say with exaggerated calm. But then I forgot what I wanted to say. I could see her. On that mountaintop. Her sudden realization that it was me who had brought her there. Marco. Me. Her son. Her host's son. Not some ruthless Andalite warrior but her own son . . . Visser Three's troops and ships closing in. The cliff giving way. Falling. And later, Rachel had come to me and said that her body could not be found. That maybe she was still alive. And Rachel had understood that she wasn't doing me any favors because it was so much better to know, to know for sure anything, even to know something terrible as long as the torture of uncertainty was over. . . . "What did I do?" I whispered.

im in immediate pain i dont want this get this away from me remove this from my life in the present year of 2016*

he didnt even realize until now, he didn’t even put this together until now he was so focused on every other aspect of the situation that he didn’t even think about anything other than the fact that it was entirely his fault that his mother was possibly dead, he just had too many other things clouding his mind to realize that oh shit if she’s still alive we’re all kind of fucked

he’s usually so conscious of things like that at all times but this particular event fucked him up so good it blocked his perceptiveness, he probably didn’t want to think about it he probably pushed it out of his mind as much as possible so whenever it did manage to surface the only thing he felt was guilt and pain, as in the emotional response rather than the tactical thinking

he doesn’t realize until right now, when cassie confronts him and forces him to think about it, what the facts strung together actually mean for them, five books later this is happening i’m gone knock me tf out

-

"Nora and I have been talking about getting married, Marco. But we won't do it without your okay." "Yeah? And what if it's not okay?" I said. I could hardly hear my own voice. He sighed. His eyes turned vacant, distant. The way they'd looked for a large part of the past two years. I hadn't missed that look. I hadn't missed it at all. "Marco, we're a team, you and I. We've been through a lot together. If you say no, I'll accept that." Fine. So it was on me. Great. Typical. Yeah, why not? I'll decide if my dad is happy or not, if my mom is still my mom. I'll decide if she lives or if she dies so that I, the Great Marco, the great cold-blooded Marco can prove how tough I am by leading her into a trap, setting her up ... I felt pain. I was digging my fingernails into the side of my head. I was going to explode. Some artery in my head was going to blow apart. It was too much. Way too much. "I'm out of here," I said. I got up and ran for the door.

re: those last few lines: live footage of me reacting to this entire passage,

-

[context: marco messed up a morph in the middle of a mission & is now lost in a half poodle half polar bear morph]

<Come on, Marco,> Cassie encouraged. <It's going to be okay. Remember the mission?> The mission? I poked Tennant's huddled body with my paw. Watched him shrink and shudder. <What's going on, Marco?> Cassie said soothingly. <Talk to me. We're your friends. Talk to us, talk to me and-> <Talk my butt,> Jake snapped. <Marco. Cope. Now. That's an order.> It was like a bucket of ice water dumped on my head. It was like waking up from an intense dream. Fast. Painful. Slowly my mind grasped control. <Jake, he's going through some bad stuff in his life,> Cassie said. <He's stressed. His dad is-> <Cassie, you know I love you and admire you, but be quiet,> Jake said. <You listen to me, Marco. We have zero time for your self-pity. I don't care what your problems are. You deal with this, right now.> I started to shrink. My body deflated like a balloon with a pin-hole. My head, shrinking. Becoming a normal poodle head. <That's not exactly enlightened behavior, Jake,> Cassie shot back, obviously angry. <lf he's having stress-> <Cassie, he's not you, he's not Rachel, he's not even me. He's Marco,> Jake said. <What he needs is to pull his head out of his rear end and remember what he always says.> What I always say? What was he talking about? Jake said, <Life is either tragedy or comedy. Usually it's your choice. You can whine or you can laugh.> I laughed. Laughed in recognition. Oh, yeah. I do say that. I was completely poodle.

Oh How The Turntables Holy Shit

like is it just me or is this super fucked up for jake to do oh my god?? humor is marco’s defense mechanism he uses to ignore his terrible realities and bottle everything up and hide it all away and it’s super unhealthy and cassie recognizes that, so she tries to help him by showing empathy and encouraging him to open up

jake also knows this about marco and and instead uses it to put him back on track on a mission like instead of saying “you can’t bottle up your emotions like this it’s not healthy and it’s obviously causing major problems” he’s like “you better bottle that shit up right this fucking instant or so help me god”

and the thing is it fucking works, marco snaps right out of it like “oh yeah bottling up my emotions why didn’t i think of that lol” and the whole thing just kind of strikes me as Super Fucked Up???? wow

i absolutely love it tho like dont get me wrong im not trying to demonize jake or w/e- it’s just another example of that brutal realism you get with this series because it feels like there should have been some kind of moral lesson about friendship and emotional support at the end of this, like it should have been cassie who managed to get through to marco by being there for him in such a critical moment, but it’s not. the thing that puts him back on track is literally the opposite of that, it’s jake basically telling him that his emotions are a waste of everyone’s time and that he needs to shove them aside just like he always does because it’s worked in the past and it needs to work Right The Fuck Now- it’s the invalidation of marco’s emotions that finally manages to pull him back to where he can essentially “function” properly again, as far as morphing goes

god and this is the shit that always gets me, why i love these books so much, like not to get all Edgy or anything but it’s that brutal reality of a fucked up situation, where there is no moral at the end, the serious issues aren’t getting resolved, the characters are fighting amongst themselves and damaging each other in the process it’s just?? so???? it’s so fucking Good like God i just

i cannot even describe how much i love this series, i just

i really love animorphs, okay,

god

-

I was coming home from school when I heard the phone ring. It rings more often now with Nora around because she gets calls from parents asking why their kids are flunking math. I decided not to answer. Let the machine get it. And then, I heard her voice. "Marco, if you're there, pick up." My mother.

wHAT KIND OF ENDING IS THIS IM SCREECHING IN THE MOONLIGHT GOOOODDDDDD Hhe was about to move on, this book was ending in all this acceptance and starting anew shit and now ur pulling a fast one on me like this ummMMMMM??? UMMMMMMMMMMM?M???? BY E

-

((lmao retroactive 2 years later bullet point add, @ visser one what the fuck this was so risky what if marco’s dad was home??? what if the three of them were all sitting around the dinner table having a meal and ur damn Mom Voice starts projecting across the entire living room uhh??? hello?????? i kno ur deal is that ur literally in space jail abt to be convicted for space crimes or w/e but i stg at least do a batman????? or pull an accent or S ometh ign jesus christ. smh))

---

*lol

[sohotthateveryonedied]

Young Justice: Darkest

- I get that he kidnapped him and all, but La'gann is being really mean to Kaldur. This guy doesn't need even more people telling him how much they hate him, like come on. Also proof that Kaldur was La'gann's idol. - The Terror Twins! Oh how I missed these psychopaths. But what happened to Tommy, though? Steroids? He's really beefy like when you put a bag of popcorn in the microwave until it gets huge and probably explodes. - Also Cameron! 

- I still owe him my life for helping Supermartian get together, so I can never hate him as much as the other villains. I actually don't think he's really all that bad; he's only in the bad guy gig because that's what's expected of him. I kind of hope someone gives him a chance and lets him turn things around, because he could make an awesome hero. - Btw that's Artemis in the Tigress costume, in case you didn't know. I do miss her with the bow and arrows, though. - Cam is such a perve. Stop before you get a restraining order. - I don't care what you say, for there is no heterosexual explanation for Bart showing up at Jaime's house at night to go spend some time with him in the desert. None. - By the way, the scene in which Bart drops in on Jaime totally parallels with the successive scene in which Mal surprised Karen for an impromptu date. Coincidence? I think not. - Appreciate your boyfriend, Karen. Seriously he's so nice, keep him forever. - Haha, Jaime is showing off for Bart. - "Top that, hermano." His voice sounded so rough and seductive right there, just pointing that out. - Headcanon that Bart does art in his free time. - "Its a bird! "It's a plane!" "No, it's a supervillain falling from the sky to come pummel the children and interrupt their date!" - My favorite thing: The concern in Bart's face and voice when he saw Jaime get frozen 👏👏👏 - Scarab needs some anger management courses. Honestly his solution to everything is to kill everyone in the room, and I'm not so sure that's too healthy. Get this bug a stress ball. - The Light has so many tricks up their sleeves there's no room for their arms. Kaldur is really fitting in great with them with his whole decoy thing. - Souvenir #15: Thingie - This is like when you leave home for good but then you want to visit so you sneak in through the window even though you still have a key for the front door but you're just like screw it. This is essentially what Kaldur is doing. - Sphere still trusts and loves Kaldur!!! Proof that pets are more loyal than people. - I can imagine Kaldur just soaking up all the warm memories and nostalgia when he's back in the cave for the first time in forever. Like he's probably remembering what happened in Homefront or he's thinking about when he first came to the cave. Just Kaldur and his fond memories with his friends.   - I love that it's so obvious how much Mal loves Karen. He's calling her beautiful, he's patiently waiting while she works instead of getting pissy like most guys would, he wants to take her on a bowling date like when they were kids, honestly Mal Duncan is a keeper. - Ray Palmer aka The Atom. You know I started watching Legends of Tomorrow, which features Ray as one of the main characters, and to be honest he's way cooler than I thought he was. - Ever since the beginning of the show that same video game remote is always on the coffee table in the living room, showing that when you live with boys you can never escape the mess. - Aw, Wolf is a sleepy pupper. - GARFIELD IS WATCHING HELLO MEGAN! BECAUSE HE MISSES HIS MOM ASDFGHJKL - Gar's room is so cute, like he's got posters for his friends and fellow heroes, a Hello Megan! poster, a photo of his mom, cute little dinosaur toys, videogames, and a boogie board. My baby is adorable. Especially because he did an unnecessary flip just to get the door, which is so extra. - Tuppence, why you gotta punch this baby in the face? - Aw, Conner misses his friend 😢. I've always liked Conner and Artemis' friendship. - Cam what are you doing that is your bestie. Did the bonding time in prison mean nothing to you. - Things that make me sad: Dick constantly blaming himself for everything and hating himself for it. - And now our latest segment of Tommy Terror and His Wacky Poetry. - Artemis must be so smug at taking down Dick like that, like I'll bet she would tease him for weeks afterward about how easily she was able to beat him up. - That punch though. I felt that punch in my soul. - Tragic and heartwrenching souvenir #16: The stupid bomb that blew up the team's house - What bothers me is that when I first watched this episode I was so happy that the bomb was a bluff, but then they just had to blow up the mountain anyway. It's like the writers wanted to lure us into a false sense of security before crushing our hearts. Not cool. - ARTEMIS NO!!!! THATS YOUR HOUSE!!! THATS SIX YEARS' WORTH OF MEMORIES AND SOUVENIRS AND MISSIONS AND FRIENDSHIP THAT YOU JUST BLEW UP!!! IVE WATCHED THIS EPISODE COUNTLESS TIMES AND IM STILL NOT OVER IT, NOR WILL I EVER BE OVER IT. - "Mount Justice is... gone." Ouch. - Did I ever mention that I love Mal Duncan? BECAUSE I DO. Look at him just digging through the rubble and then jumping into the water to save his friends. Mal is the real MVP. - I could probably write an essay that would consist of just a thousand adjectives detailing my intense heartbreak at the scene where Wally yells at Dick and they have their falling out, but I'll just use this to sum it up: 

- "The cave is-... was just a place!" That "was" just took ten years off my life. - Kaldur right now:

[thelittlestai]

((okay hello hello ya baby boi is BACK. mostly because we were talking RVB as we do and i thought of how adorable it would be theta’s cheek lit up with double symbols when he blushed and then it was a tumble from there. ))

((here’s what i’ve been up to!))

okay so it looks like i’ve been gone for about a year... let’s see. i got started on testosterone... I quit the job i had at that point and moved to a different city because my boyfriend got a promotion. I tried to get a job and landed one right away, but I only made it 3 weeks before I was fired. That was in January of this year because honestly NOTHING happened much until we moved. Anyway, after I was fired I tried to kill myself. I stayed in the worst mental health hospital i’ve ever been to (3 of them oops), and finally got on meds that work for me and a therapist.

So that’s about everything pre pandemic. Oh. I also started a pride group that consists mostly of teenagers so if i make ooc posts about my kids, that’s who i mean. i don’t have biological children.

I’m planning on meeting with a surgeon to discuss my top surgery soon, too.

Hmm... Oh! I have 2 boyfriends now. Yeah, my boyfriend and I didn’t want to break up but i didn’t want to regret staying with the same person for the rest of my life either and he doesn’t want to get married so we opened our relationship. 

I found a job that doesn’t make me wanna shove a knife in my chest, but that’s had its problems as well... take this copy/paste rant from facebook:

my coworker and i got into a pretty intense fight. She had spent the day on her phone, trying to track down a friend. Why? well.

Said friend had stolen his family's truck his family said that SHE was the ONLY ONE who could get in contact with him. His entire family shows up to tell her this in person. Someone other people show up and there’s almost a fight??? This causes a customer's concern, and our manager has to break up the fight.

Shit like this... happens more often than not. And I was always fairly lenient with her when she ended up disappearing while on the clock. She was a hard worker when she was actually working, so the occasional leeway felt fair to me.

But this was... quite a day. Her friend finally shows up at our store and she decides that he should sleep off his heroin high in her car. Which is parked right in front of the door. And the car door is opened. Again, I receive a worried comment from a customer.

And shes like?  telling every single person who comes into the store what's happening with her friend, like 10-15 minute convos. Per person. And when she wasn't doing that, I literally could not find her anywhere.

Now, my mental health and anger issues have improved a LOT over the past few months but there's always a limit. Mine was after dealing with several customers in a row while STILL not being able to find her. I ended up taking care of them all. Which doesn’t seem like that big of a deal but as far as I’m aware, since I can’t find her, she might as well have not been there at all.

After the store cleared out, I said "Hey, I'm kinda pissed at you." and when I told her that it was because she hadn't done anything all day, she lost her goddamn mind.

She started yelling at me, saying she had been working all day and that the cameras (which i guess weren't watching me doing all the work somehow magically?) would show what she had been doing. She said that I wasn't that boss and that I couldn't tell her what to do and that i couldn't talk to her like that. She complained about how all this drama was doing to get her fired and she accused me of threatening her. Which. I wasn't. And the whole time she's calling me a little girl, calling me crazy, calling me a dyke, calling me a liar, telling me that she knows that she's a girl, unlike me.

Now. This is a lot to unpack and if your mind doesn't explode because of the hypocrisy, I'd be surprised. She has said to me, personally, that she: 1. claims to be bisexual, 2. was called 'son' by her dad until he had a biological boy. 3. prefers dressing masculine and is 'one of the dudes' - having mostly male friends. 4. has PTSD and ADHD and is medicated for her ADHD.

So basically, just a HELL of a lot of self projecting. She also threatened to bash my head in and that she didn't care about getting in trouble.

I am 1000% done and i’m calling the cops (like ACAB but like im not gonna not when there’s a threat to my life and an overdosed junkie in the parking lot)

I tell my manager what happened. Her response? "You didn't finish the cleaning list." and "Can you still work with her?" Like. WHAT?!

So I get home and I'm contacting HR, legal services, the ACLU, anyone I can think of because I'm not about to let any of this shit fly.

I hear back from the HR rep for my district. She is PISSED as hell and wants to know everything. I put the store on blast, hardcore. Not only explaining the situation, but letting her know that no one on second shift that i work with wears uniforms or masks and that I, still a relatively new employee, am constantly left to run shifts by myself.

My manager wants an incident report on Monday. I oblige and make my way to the store about 2 hours before my shift. I get a call from an assistant manager, asking me if I can come in early. I'm already on my way there, so i say 'fine'. It's 2:45 pm when I clock in and she isn't even there yet. She shows up around 3 and the assistant sends her home. I have never known her to be on time, either.

While I’m at Seeker’s, I get a message from my boss saying that she’s been fired. And then the manager and two other people quit. So I’m kinda like ‘uhhhhh? did I? do that?”

Oh and she was fucking  ARRESTED ON 4 FELONY CHARGES!

the fact that this is the biggest thing i can report on is kinda sad but like. it’s also the most bizarre and memorable thing to happen this year so.

[infragilism]

11420

This is probably the start of the year where im trying my hardest to start strong. To not dread what the following months has in store for me. To not constantly think like something bad is gonna happen in the coming days.

I am in no doubt that whatever happens, God is able to get me through. He is able. I am sure of it. But what im scared of is the process. The process of going through a terrible thing. The emotions, the crying, the too-much-crying, the faking, the smiling like everythings fine, the crumbling inside. It. Is. Tiring.

Life is like this. Good things are certain to happen. Bad things are certain to happen. To anyone. At anytime. One after the other. Sometimes simultaneous. Good things are happy. Bad things are tiring. Good things are rare. Bad things are more often.

2020 scares me. Nothing happened yet. But i'm worried. I'm constantly thinking these days. With everything that happened last year, its almost as if im just waiting for the bomb to explode this year. im dreading the bad days. Its almost like im expecting them. Like waiting when will they happen. Like which month this year. Is it gonna be April, or June, or August? When?

Thinking about them makes me tired.

Life is like this. Good things can happen anytime. And so are bad stuff.

Sometimes i wonder when will the suffering end. Will the good days last for a longer time this time? Is there still a fight remaining in me?

I am in do doubt God can get me through anything. I am just tired of going through them over and over, year by year, months after months. And no matter how different each suffering maybe, they are all tiring.

the consistency and certainty of life is tiring.

After each battle that I have won, there was another one waiting around the corner.

There is always another one. They never ends.

Then I've read this...

"They say that God gives the toughest battles to the stronger soldiers, but God, you must have a lot of faith in me because sometimes I don’t even know how to keep going. Sometimes I just want to give up and let life have its way with me and destroy me."

I never expected that there is such a thing as what im feeling. Where you have 100% faith in God, not doubting that He can get you through anything like what He did before for so many times already. But you are just tired to go through the same or worse, again. Different battle. God will always win. I will come out stronger. I know that. But then, a bigger battle awaits around the corner. And thinking about that is super exhausting.

In whatever circumstances in the future, God is able to get me through it. I know that. But. I. AM. JUST. SO. TIRED.

I am sorry, God. I pray for positivity and a change in perspective. May i try to see the beauty out of life again. May i appreciate every process again. May i have the strength, in mind and in spirit, to trust life again. To relearn that there is a point to everything thats happening. That this life is worth living for no matter how tired i am right now. To know that there is still a fight in me, a fire in me. Make me strong and braver and happier again. Please.

[maple-keenes]

of drunk kisses and superpowers

[HEY GUYS, I’M PUTTING IT AT THE TOP THAT THIS IS A REMUS X DECEIT FIC. PLEASE, DO NOT READ IF THIS MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE.]

summary: deceit (damien) is a mostly-normal journalism student who managed, somehow, to only make friends with superheroes and supervillains. he's in his final year of college, got an amazing best friend who's only a semi-murderous supervillain and he's landed an internship at the new york times. problem is, they keep making him report on all the superhero vs supervillain fights around the city - which means he's seen roman and remus fight against each other a million and a half times. the only issue with that is that he's starting to watch these fights more intensely and notice a hell of more about how good remus's costume looks on him. soon, damien's juggling his job, his schoolwork, and the growing feeling that he might want a little bit more than friendship with remus.

pairing: dukeceit, logicality, remile if you squint 

tw: remus, deceit, cursing, alcohol, getting drunk, more cursing

wc: 4293

a/n: ...i’m not ashamed of what i’ve done here 

read it on ao3

general:

@analogical-chaos @theflatpancake @ilovemygaydad @alltimevirgilant @virgiliananxiety @romanticsanders @theincediblesulk @wroammin @creativity-killed-thekitten @bitchyybabyy400 @wooflesthatwoof @lyditist @heck-im-lost @max-is-tired @demurphart @thelowlysatsuma @land-of-dragons-and-frogs @theeternalspace @magicallygrimmwiccan @weirdsthenewnormal @romansleftshoulderpad

--

Damien May was a fairly normal college student. He was a bit of an asshole, tended to not do his homework, but deep down he was a decent person. He lived in an apartment with a friend of his, Logan, and he was majoring in journalism. 

He was not a superhero. 

Actually, Damien was fairly certain he was the only one in his extended friend group that wasn’t a superhero or villain. Logan, his roommate was also known as Logic (he wasn’t the most creative), Remus was The Duke, his twin brother, Roman, was The Prince, (Damien was ticking these off on his fingers as he went), Logan’s boyfriend was Empath, Damien’s kind-of-friend from Composition was known as Dark Magic, and Damien's cousin Remy was also some sort of superhero. Thank god Remy's husband was just a therapist, or Dami would have gone batshit. 

None of his friends knew that he knew who they all were except Logan. It was something that was hard to hide from your roommate, especially when said roommate is a seasoned professional in persuasion and observation. And Logan tells Patton everything and Damien tells Logan everything and vice-versa, so the whole-Patton-is-Empath thing was kind of out in the open from the beginning. And Virgil, aka Dark Magic, had told him off the bat too.

So really, it was just Roman and Remus. 

Overall, he was generally content to stick with his normal life, with his not-so-normal friends, and continue pissing off Roman's main gang of friends with Remus. 

This worked fine for him until his internship at the Times decided that he needed to cover a fight between The Duke and The Prince that had broken out, and Damien just sighed and grabbed his notebook. Tonight was gonna be great. 

So he sat in a car, watching the twin brothers fly around yelling weird insults at each other. Since he lived and worked in New York, this was not the first or last fight he'd ever have to cover, so Damien just scribbled down an account of what had happened the last four times (the Arellano twins were pretty consistent) they had fought. He pulled out his phone and texted Logan an update. 

The Best Person To Ever Exist (Me) 5:43 PM

they're not even fighting anymore, just yelling weirdly personal insults at each other

The Best Person To Ever Exist (Me) 5:43 PM

"GREEN ISN'T YOUR COLOR" "IT BRINGS OUT MY EYES YOU BITCH" 

Spooky Mind Control Dude 5:44 PM

Oh, hell. Well, that sounds like them. I'll see you later, Dami.

The Best Person To Ever Exist (Me) 5:45 PM

i hate it when you call me that. 

Spooky Mind Control Dude 5:45 PM

Okay, Dami.

Damien groaned and banged his head against the dashboard of his car, not even noticing the fountain explode next to him as Roman and Remus flew over top of the car. 

“This is dumb, my life is dumb, I want to go home,” he muttered to himself as the battle raged on. “Go Remus, go Remus.” 

It dragged on for another hour or so, and Damien found himself napping the backseat and dreaming about… something not to be discussed. 

He woke up when someone tapped on his window and he mumbled “mrmph” and sat up. He quickly rolled down the window and stuck his head out, immediately waking up fully when he realized he was staring right at Remus and Roman. “Oh, hello sirs, I’m with the Times, do you think I could get a statement from you two on what we can expect from you next?”

“Hi, Damien. How long have you been reporting on us?” Roman asked, hands on his hips. 

“I’m not allowed to tell you that. Now, what can we expect -” 

“Damien,” Remus interrupted. “We know you know it’s us.” 

He jerked up, smiling. “Oh, hi Remus, didn’t see you there.” 

“I’m here too! Don’t think you can ignore me just cause you’re gay for my brother or some shit -” Roman said. 

Remus spun around to face his brother. “Now listen here, Ro -”

Damien sank back into his chair, hoping that he could just drive away and possibly hit both of them when he did. He had to deal with their bickering constantly at home, dealing with it at work as well was something he’d definitely had nightmares about. Eventually he gave up and turned back to the window, raising his voice to be heard over the twins’ arguing and said, “Hey! You two! Shut up!” 

They both looked at him, startled. “Damien?” Remus raised an eyebrow. “You okay?”

“Okay, you two aren’t subtle. I’ve known you guys are the Duke and Prince since I met you because anyone who knows you in real life knows it’s ridiculously obvious.” He took a deep breath. “And - and - I have to report on you guys because it’s my job. It’s not a personal thing and no, Roman, it’s not because I’m gay for your brother, it’s not like I want to report on you two doing the same thing every time!” Damien chastised. “So, please, stop it.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.” 

Damien sighed. “Thank you. Remus, I’ll see you later?” 

He nodded. “8 PM?” 

“Sounds good.” 

With that, Damien figured the conversation over and drove off, wishing that it was possible to just scream as loudly as possible on the highway and hope that no one heard him. Ugh. If Remus and Roman knew he knew who they were, that meant he couldn’t report on them unbiased anymore, and that was just great. 

When he got back to his and Logan’s apartment, he didn’t even bother to go to his room before he collapsed on the couch and started screaming into the pillow. 

Logan poked his head out of his room. “Damien, what are you doing?”

“Suffocating myself,” he said, voice muffled by the pillow. “Roman and Remus found out.” 

“About what? The superhero thing or the other thing?” 

Damien sat up and glared at him. “What other thing? There’s only one thing!” 

“I just meant…” Logan trailed off, giving him a curious look. “You don’t realize? Oh, that’s interesting. Anyway, I’m sorry about that. Are you sure they’ll act strange now that they realize it’s you that’s been reporting on them?”

“Yes! It’s what happened with you!” He groaned, burying his face in his hands. “Especially Remus. He’ll be super weird if he knows it’s me watching. Probably hurt Roman less. Which’ll especially suck because that’s like, the most enjoyable part of my job.” 

Logan shook his head. “You are really oblivious, you know that?” 

“I do, actually,” he replied, glancing at the time. “I’m leaving at 7:30, walking over to Remus’s place to hang out for a bit and awkwardly talk about what happened today before we get blackout drunk.”

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” 

He grinned. “Isn’t that the whole point, Logan?”

Damien lounged around the apartment for a bit, typing up the rest of his report and trying to figure out why the hell everyone was acting so weird about him and Remus lately. Logan was even doing that thing that Damien had told him when they moved in together he was Not Allowed To Do - which was to give him that look like “I know something you don’t.'' The rule was wholeheartedly ignored because Damien did it all the time, but it was just really annoying this time. 

Come 7:30, he grabbed his jacket and opened the door, only to be greeted with a smiling Patton. 

“Oh, hey Damien! I’m just -” 

“Hey, Patton, nice to see you too. I’ll be back around… eventually, don’t do it in my room.” 

He laughed and nodded, and Damien waved goodbye as he walked down the hallway towards the stairs. It was a long walk to Roman and Remus’s place, but he enjoyed the calm of it all once in a while, even if he’d never admit it.

When he reached their apartment, he knocked on the door and Roman opened it begrudgingly, and Damien went straight upstairs (stupid rich superheroes) to Remus’s bedroom. He threw his jacket on the chair and flopped down on the bed next to his best friend. “It has been too long of a day for anything other than your best wine, man.”

“I have, like, tequila and vodka too, you know,” he said, leaning back against the wall. 

“I have standards, Remus.” 

He laughed a bit. “Nothing is ever good enough for Damien May.” 

Damien pouted. “Not true. You’re good enough for me, why do you think I let you stick around?” 

“My impeccable fashion sense and weird sense of humor,” came Remus’s response, muffled by the fact that he was now halfway through a bottle of beer. 

“And your ass.” 

“I’m blushing.” This was meant to distract from the fact that he was, indeed, blushing. 

Damien rolled over and made himself comfortable in Remus’s lap, staring up at the ceiling. “So… are you mad that I knew that you and Roman were superheroes this whole time?”

“Number one rule of my bedroom is that my brother’s name does not enter this room. That stupid bitch ruins my whole vibe,” Remus said, eliciting a laugh from Damien. “Secondly, I’m not mad. I understand that it’s a problem and a conflict of interest or whatever and I’d rather you keep your internship.”

He reached up and patted Remus’s cheek. “So selfless. Ugh, I could kiss you. You’re the best.” 

“Mmm.”

Four glasses of wine later and Damien was practically straddling Remus as they talked about… something. Both boys were pretty damn drunk at this point so talking was pretty much off the table unless it was something that required few sounds and even less thinking. 

“Have I ever told you how hot you are, Remus?” 

“That’s the wine talking, Dami,” he responded quietly. 

Damien flopped backward onto the bed, taking his legs off Remus’s hips. “I would say that even if I wasn’t drunk. I already said I’d kiss you.” 

“Mmph. You were kidding.” 

He looked at Remus, aghast. “I have never told a lie in my life.”

“You lie all the time.” 

“Ah, wait, no, that’s right,” Damien said, giggling. “I wasn’t lying about wanting to kiss you though.” 

Remus sighed and crossed his legs. “Yeah, okay.”

“I’ll prove it.” He sat up straight, as sober as someone five glasses of Chardonnay in could be. “C’mere.”

“I’m not going to - “ his sentence was cut off by Damien grabbing the front of his shirt and kissing him hard. God damn, this felt good. It wasn’t the best kiss Damien had ever had, because it was sloppy and messy and Remus was messing up his hair as he played with it but the best part for some reason was that he was kissing his best friend. 

His hands were on Remus’s face, on his waist, and then he was straddling him and they were still kissing and - 

“Holy shit, you two are making out,” came Roman’s voice. “Oh my god, I so regret opening this door.”

Remus broke the kiss and threw a nearby plastic cup at his brother. “Why, oh why, are you here?”

“I was going to tell you that I ordered pizza and you two assholes could have some, but apparently you guys are getting sexy up here so -” 

“I’m going to throw you out a window.” 

Roman stuck his tongue out at him. “Do it, I dare you.” 

He shut the door behind him after that, and Remus smiled sheepishly and sidled back up to Damien. “Should we pick up where we left off?”

There were a few seconds where all Damien wanted to do was grab Remus by the front of his stupid green shirt and kiss him senseless, but his fight or flight instinct kicked in and he pushed Remus away from him. “I - I’m sorry, I shouldn’t - I can’t -” he stuttered, getting off the bed and grabbing his jacket. “I shouldn’t have done this. I have to go.” 

“Holy hell, Dami, what are you doing -” 

“I’m leaving, Remus,” he said, running down the stairs as his best friend ran after him. 

Remus huffed. “You’re kidding.” 

“I don’t know what came over me, I - I’ve never felt like that around you before and I guess I was just drunk -” 

“Get out of my house, you fucking asshole!” he cried, tears in his eyes. He turned around and slammed his door, and Roman gave Damien the dirtiest look in his repertoire.

And so for the second time that day, Damien walked through the gardens on the way between his apartment and Remus’s. However, this time, his eyes stung with tears and he could only think about Remus, Remus, Remus…

He didn’t stop to say hello to Logan and Patton, who were watching a movie on the couch, as he stormed into his room and laid facedown on the pillow. He sobbed quietly, trying to make himself feel like his world didn’t just come crashing down on top of him and he didn’t just ruin the best thing in his whole life. 

Patton sat down on the edge of Damien’s bed. “Hey, kiddo, what’s wrong? Did something happen?”

“I fucked it up,” he mumbled into his pillow. 

“Fucked what up?” Logan asked. 

Damien sat up, wiping his eyes. “So… we got drunk, as usual, and then we were flirting a bit, and I was probably straddling him, and then we started making out and when we stopped… I freaked out. I had never thought about Remus like that, and it felt like I was taking advantage of him. I just… I know I don’t like him…” he trailed off, creasing his eyebrows as Logan stifled a laugh behind his hand. “What?”

Patton patted his leg affectionately. “You seem a little lost, kiddo.”

“I’m older than you.”

“Congratulations, Dami, you’re officially the last person to know that you, oh magnificent journalist, are totally into Remus,” Logan deadpanned. 

Damien laughed, still wiping away tears. “I’m not.” 

He nodded. “Yeah, you are.” 

“I am not!” 

“You are!” Patton exclaimed. “You’ve seen every single one of his fights.” 

“It’s a work thing.”

Logan groaned. “If it was a work thing, you would have talked to them about it by now.”

“That’s true,” he agreed, “I can feel it, Damien. It’s one of those things that’s always buzzing in the background behind you, like right now, it’s right under the fact that you’re super angry with me -”

He threw his hands in the air. “Fine! So I like him a little. But now I’ve gone and screwed it up so it doesn’t even matter, and I’m here rambling to you two.”

“He likes you, Damien. He does. You need to apologize for freaking out.”

“I doubt Roman will even let me in the house.” Damien flopped back onto his bed. “I appreciate you two, but right now I want to sit here and cry about lost love until I have to go to Composition tomorrow.”

Patton and Logan relented and left him alone, and Damien laid back down and cried to his heart’s content (not that he would ever tell anyone that). 

The next day in Composition, Damien slid into the chair next to his kind-of-friend and slammed his head down on the table, groaning. 

Virgil chewed on the back of their pencil. “What’s up, Damien?” 

“Mrph,” was his response. 

“Dude, are you hungover or something?” 

He sighed, picking himself up off the table. “I wish I was just hungover. That would make my life so much easier right now.”

Virgil tilted their head, concerned. “Is something wrong?”

“You ever make out with your best friend, then freak out on him and run out, then only later when you’re talking to your roommate’s boyfriend figure out that you’re probably in love with him and now he won’t talk to you and his brother is probably about to kill you, which he can do because he has super strength?” 

They chewed on their pencil some more. “No, but are you talking about Prince and Duke? Cause lemme tell you, they are massive pains in my ass,” Virgil said. 

“I don’t think I can tell you that,” Damien responded, laughing. “Anyways, now I can’t even talk to him.” 

“Mm. Did you analyze the essay from last week?” 

The rest of his day passed by like a blur until the gods at the Times decided it was time to punish Damien for his crimes. 

Boss Man Holt Dude 4:36 PM

Hello, Damien. We need you cover a battle that’s broken out between Empath and The Duke on 39th street. Final report due on my desk by this time tomorrow. Thanks, Charles Holt. 

Damien leaned back in the seat of his car and flip off the sky through his sunroof. “You see that, O God Who Hates Me? Fuck you.” 

He gripped the steering wheel and sighed long and hard, trying to exhale out all of his stress. Still mentally hitting his head against the wheel as hard as possible, he drove over to 39th and parked right next to where Patton was standing off against Remus. He tried to hide his car best as possible so he wouldn’t be noticed. 

It didn’t end up making a difference, because after about fifteen minutes of Patton fighting Remus, he noticed that Damien was parked a few meters away and after a bit of an argument with Patton, stormed off and left Patton to fix the mess he’d made by manipulating reality. Damien was half tempted to drive off, but since he’d missed most of the fight he was going to need to take Patton’s statement. 

He rolled down his window as his roommate’s boyfriend walked over. “Hello, Empath, I’m with the Times, could I take your statement on the fight today?” 

“Hi, sir, of course.” (Thank god at least one of his friends knew how to properly conduct themselves.) “The Duke was set on warping the reality of this neighborhood for no other reason than to cause chaos, and I was contacted by the police to slow him down. Luckily, he got spooked when he noticed that the guy he’s in love with that also crushed him completely was watching.” 

(He rescinds his earlier statement.)

“Patton!” 

He shrugged. "I'm not saying put it in your report, I'm just telling you that's what happened." 

"I came all the way here and now I'm being attacked by my roommate's boyfriend," Damien grumbled. 

Patton's face softened even more, if that was possible. "You can call me your friend, you know." 

Damien felt his face heat up. "Yeah, thanks." 

"You're welcome. Anyways, I'm all done here," he said with a snap of his fingers, clearing up the mess, "so you can go home and write up your report. Oh, and also you should apologize to Remus." 

He shot Patton an annoyed glare. "I'm going to." 

"When?" 

As it turns out, the answer to that question was a week later when Logan got sick of him moping around their apartment and kicked him out until he was able to talk to Logan with some inflection in his voice again. This led to him moping in the park. 

Thankfully (not for him, but for his friends and such that were so done with the moping) his cousin texted him at the point Damien was about to turn around and beg Logan to let him back into the apartment. The universe, it turns out, is also done with his moping. 

The Gay Cousin 10:27 PM

hey girl, do you have grandma’s phone number

Actual Mistake (Me) 10:28 PM

life is a curse. why do i exist 

Actual Mistake (Me) 10:28 PM

also yeah it’s [a totally real phone number]

The Gay Cousin 10:29 PM

u okay dami?

Actual Mistake (Me) 10:29 PM

no i’m having boy troubles 

The Gay Cousin 10:30 PM

well you came to the right cousin!!!! what seems to be the issue??

Damien recounted the events of last week to Remy, who was supportive, but also willing to call him out on his bullshit, which is the best balance a person can have. 

 The Gay Cousin 10:35 PM

you need to talk to him, dami. this isn’t something you can ignore and hope that it goes away after a while. if you really like this guy you need to set the record straight. 

 The Gay Cousin 10:35 PM

*gay

Actual Mistake (Me) 10:36 PM

i... yeah. i guess so. i’ll text you later, okay?

Damien turned off his phone and took a deep breath, standing up and steeling his nerves. “Guess I gotta get this over with,” he mumbled to himself. 

He knocked on the door of Remus’s apartment a couple times, only to be greeted with an irate Roman. “Damien, why are you here? It is 11 pm and I have class in the morning - “

“I need to talk to your brother.” 

Roman mouthed “oh” and folded his arms across his chest. “Well, I was told you weren’t allowed in here. Remus wants you to, and I quote, ‘go jump up your own ass.’” 

“I get it, I fucked up, but I need to see him!” He rolled his eyes and looked down at the ground. “I wanted to apologize for leading him on or whatever.” 

“Really?” Roman asked, raising an eyebrow. “Alright, well, as much as my brain is struggling between the desire to torment my brother and the hope that he’ll find someone that makes him happy someday, you can come in. I’ll go get Remus.” 

Damien bounced his leg up and down as he waited for Remus to come down the stairs. He knew he screwed up - he had been doing that a lot recently - but he was kind of certain that he might like Remus a little bit and that was messing with his whole thing. 

He heard footsteps coming downstairs and his head shot up, glancing at the stairs. The second Remus saw Damien waiting for him, he turned and went back upstairs, and Roman’s annoyed sigh was probably loud enough to hear all the way back in Damien and Logan’s apartment. 

Damien sat back down, putting his head in his hands. “Jesus, I am never going to fix this.”

Roman sighed and plopped down on the couch next to him. “I know I give you guys a lot of shit, but I’m rooting for you two. I want that weird little psychopath to be happy.” 

“You’re a good person, Roman,” he said. “This is really hard for me to say, but I’m really thankful you’re doing this.” 

“Mm.” He nodded thoughtfully. “Now come on, just go sit outside of his door and talk to him. He’s been so depressed lately, and I know he’s liked you for a long time. If Remus knows you’re sorry… he’s going to forgive you.” 

Damien gave him a half-smile. “Thanks, Ro.”

He followed Roman’s advice, slowly walking up the stairs and sitting down in front of his best friend’s door. “Hey, Remus. Your brother told me I could come up here. I’m sorry I’m here right now, instead of the day after. I should have come right away.” He took a deep breath and exhaled, picking at his fingernails. “I think I do like you. I think I might love you, even. And I think that’s the most honest thing I’ve ever said. I’m sorry I freaked out on you, you deserve better than that. I’m sorry I blamed it all on the alcohol because yeah, I was drunk but kissing you was the soberest I’d been that whole night. It’s been a hell of a week without my best friend, Remus. And… you don’t have to love me, or even like me, but I at least want you to forgive me,” Damien said. “I just want you to know that I never meant to make you feel used, and I’m sorry I did. It was awful of me.”

There was a small thump against the door, and Damien whipped around to face it. “Remus? You there?”

“I - yeah. I’m here.” 

“Will you talk to me?”

The door creaked open. “I’ll talk to you,” he whispered. 

“I’m really sorry, Remus.”

“I know you are.” He sighed. “I just… I dunno. Something felt right but then you got into my head about it being just ‘cause we were drunk and then I was just angry as all hell with you.” 

Damien nodded. “And I deserve that.”

He bit his lip, which Damien only noticed because it was just adorable. “You drive me crazy, Dami. But it’s your best quality, how close you are to your friends. And if I could have just a little bit of that attention I think I’d be set for life.”

“Remus, I promise you’ve got all of it.” 

Remus smiled, turning to face Damien. “Then I forgive you.”  

He stopped his nervous fidgeting and glanced up at Remus. “You do?”

“Yes, I do, you dumb snake, it’s not like you killed my brother - though I think I’d forgive you for that too.” 

He giggled. “God, you’re amazing.” 

“Here, my turn,” Remus said, grabbing the front of Damien’s shirt and kissing him hard. 

Something switched on inside of him at that moment and Damien pushed him back into the room and slammed the door behind them. These kisses weren’t the fervent, messy ones they had shared when they were drunk, but they were slower, softer, and there was the knowledge behind them that this meant more than a makeout session, and that was good enough for both of them.