#im done being sensitive for people who arent sensitive with me

[kravitzkrusher]

Side eye

Bombastic side eye

Now, personally, I like you. So I'm gonna ask you genuinely. What are you talking about? No really. What is the real point of continuing to have this neverending conversation with victims and only victims?

Is it devil's advocatation

Is it rejection sensitive dysphoria

Are you personalizing the situation

Stories of people suffering in a specific and particular way lights a fire inside you. But not to help victims. Not to make sure you're making the world a safer place for people who have suffered. No. You do this to silence people in peril, to tone police cries for help, and to invalidate the patterns that (IF CAUGHT EARLY) could save someone's life.

How is the "not all narcissists" conversation ANY DIFFERENT from the "Not all men" deflection women hear when they're in safe spaces talking about how misogyny and men have personally harmed them. These victims are not talking about all men. Because it's not all men. But there's enough men. Enough to keep an eye out and be responsible just in case they wanna hurt you.

How is the "not all narcissists" conversation ANY DIFFERENT from the "Not all cops are racist" deflection that gets black people deplatformed and harassed when they speak out against moments of racism that almost got them killed? It doesn't have to be all cops being racist and oppressive. Because it's not. That's not realistic. But you know what, there are more than enough cops who act like this. Enough to keep an eye out and be responsible just in case they wanna hurt you.

How is this situation different?

Victims are not in a position of power.

We control nothing. Our speech does not cause narcissists to lose jobs, lose pay, lose children, or lose opportunities. Calling someone a narcissist has the same staying power as calling them a misogynist: no one cares and nothing happens to you.

Victims on the other hand, run the risk of walking into safe space after safe space after safe space, only to find no fucking safety. Only to find someone who thinks everyone's abuser is just an Average Joe and we're all being too mean to them. Only to run into the arms of another person who means to use us instead of love us the way we NEED to be loved after being traumatized: without a scoreboard that keeps a detailed record of how we identify what happened to us and whether or not its valid.

Victims run the risk of retraumatizing themselves if they DO NOT STUDY. If a victim does not heal, does not talk to other victims, does not validate their experiences and make sense of everything, they run the risk of injury or death. They risk feeling safe in their house. They risk their kids.

A narcissist runs the risk of hurt feelings. That's it.

You see the issue here?

Why play devil's advocate with something as horrible, disgusting, brutal, and disturbing as abuse? Why invade a space meant for healing--- ANYONE'S HEALING-- and tone police? Who are you protecting? Who is actually in danger here? What is the difference between helping someone who wants you to help vs helping someone who needs you to survive?

Think of the families ripped apart because "not all narcissists are like this so let's look past every single red flag we see and keep hope alive that they mean well". Victims don't have time for this shit. We're in abusive households NOW. Our kids are getting traumatized NOW. Our mental and physical health is in shambles NOW.

We deserve to know why.

Just like the Me Too movement didn't have time for thousands of men to come through with million dollar legal defense teams while pregnant teenagers sat at home, unable to chose what happens to their bodies, watching misogynistic older men get off scot free because VICTIMS DONT HAVE ANY POWER. Actual people are suffering actual abuse with actual measured calculated patterns.

These narcissistic people you're defending move EXACTLY the same. They are not unique. They're not. They're predictable and it's so easy to stay safe if you just admit it. It's been proven the they play the same card over and over again to get the same useless prize.

Control over victims bodies and voices.

Control over the narrative.

"But narcissistic abuse refers to specific patterns of abuse. Just calling it abuse isn't clear enough."

Calling it narcissistic abuse isn't any clearer. Narcissistic abuse is just abuse that you assume was caused by narcissism. It still says nothing about what specifically was done.

If your abuser hit you, say that. If your abuser gaslighted you, say that. If your abuser blamed you for causing the abuse, say that. If your abuser expected too much of you, say that. If your abuser put you on a pedestal then complained when you couldn't live up to their fantasy, say that.

[qoldenskies]

I just finished binge reading your fanfiction and WOW. I have no words. (Actually I have a lot of words but I digress.)

First of all, objectively speaking, the writing is PHENOMENAL. I feel like this is just standard praise but I truly do mean it when I say that it’s GOOD. Like—good-good. There’s a nice use of evocative language and a blend of “complex” (rather I’d argue descriptive) verbs and adjectives, and also, the speaker tags are AMAZING. I personally struggle with using the “said” speaker tag too much and I notice many fic authors do too so it’s not a major grievance of mines (if any grievance,) but when it came to reading caged lungs the speaker tags were always new and very very (that’s two verys,) contextually sound. Like you did your research. I was on call with a friend praising your work and it really truly does stand strong after finishing the whole thing (as to date. you know?) . Not sure if this was intentional but I did notice the speaker tag “crowed” show up a lot, and it’s really ironic considering the motifs of being a bird in a cage, (I LOVED the analogies by the way, about how a caged bird was better than a dead bird and -oh my gosh!!! It’s just SO good!!!!!) and crows are..well…….birds. Also find it nice that you use CROWED out of all of them in the context of things—yes, I do know why—to make a comparison to a crows cawing and their vocal inflection HOWEVER, crows, as the animal, are clever and smart but social animals. They’re very quick witted and remember when they’ve been wronged. They’ll let their crow buddies know and it’s just a whole thing. I just really liked that detail even if it was completely unintentional. Also the tonal shift really hit me in the SHIN here. Going from Leo saying “peedrunner.” With no hesitation to —the absolutely heinous stuff (/pos) that I read is so JARRING but it works well in your favor. Speaking of jarring!!! REPETITION! You used repetition so masterfully in your work it was making me ANXIOUS to read it. It’s so. Tastefully done. Well done. I love this.

That’s in terms of writing though, in terms of the STORY!??? AWESOME AS WELL. Holy shit. You really just boiled Donnie down right to his bare characteristics, his weaknesses, it was . CRAZY.(in a good way.) the juxtaposition of everything with Donnie v. Which town and this whole fic is. So good. Good feels like such a redundant word to use. Spectacular? Stupendous? Prodigious? Savant-esque? You get the gist.

This is also a more personal reason why I like this, but autism is depicted so so so well in this. Idk if you’re autistic YOURSELF and it would honestly make so much sense but either way—thank.you. This is such an amazing depiction of how debilitating autism can be and it really spoke with my own experiences. 10/10 fic. I only have minor criticisms but otherwise this is beautiful. You are an insanely talented author and I can tell you put in the EFFORT to perfect your craft and it is worth it. I was up till 4 am reading it and it was well worth it.

AWHHHH THANK YOU!!!! some repeating words/phrases are intentional and others arent, im just an amateur writer and i notice stuff like that happening accidentally, but i will accept happy accidents!!! o7 i love when people read into my work and talk about the metaphors/symbolism mwah mwah mwah (i also do love that line about how caged birds still sing and dead ones dont...... oooh that says so much about how donnie operates in CL imo)

and ive mentioned it before but *TO MY KNOWLEDGE* i'm not autistic!! i have a brother that is (who is very similar to donnie actually) and i have a lot of overlapping behavior as someone with adhd, so i put a lot of personal experience into the way that i write neurodivergence (particularly in the fear of being too sensitive, or being unable to take jokes, since i grew up with a lot of that kind of bs leveraged at me) and made sure to be tactical when i wrote things i dont personally experience. its really good to hear it resonated, im glad!!! ^w^

this is such a nice ask thank you so much!!!!! was an absolute joy to wake up to haha

[dragon-queen21]

GUESS WHO

(before i start, metal family is originally a russian cartoon on youtube that was dubbed in english. its about in not my words “the most unhealthy healthy family ever” like the name suggests, music is a huge part of it. in later episodes there are a few trigger warnings that apply but the shows pretty good! and honestly has a lot of agere potential but)

(also i wanna drop, i was thinkin about this earlier but i like to think that nezuko is perma-regressed or close to it. she almost constantly acts younger than she is, and honestly i think it could be a way to cope with her bein a demon, and maybe it could suppress demon urges with baby urges. (like being comforted, sleepin, lookin up to someone) anyway now im thinkin of tanjiro just carryin her around like a baby when shes in her little form)

-no because your so right, i was thinkin about the zeff one and let me raise up your raise up:

zeff raised sanji, and this poor boy has a crazy amount of trauma, at the time of meeting zeff was pretty fresh too. now zeff watchin this boy grow up in his teen years, only to realize that “hey, somethings off sometimes” that zeff recongized arent sanjis regular trauma responses that zeff knows, zeff paying more attention and whys the kid not talkin durin food prep? sanji has a big mouth how hasnt zeff noticed that before? or how sanji would sometimes stand a little closer to zeff than normal, or when the customers ask sanji a question some days, he’ll look and find zeff before answering. or how his eyes would full up with tears before bein forced away like the kid refused to cry. and oh, this reminds him of the eggplant right when they started the baratie, just a bit more sensitive if the tears & fist clenchin has anythin to say about it. (later he opens one of the psychology books he got a little after he adopted sanji, and finds “age regression” and it all clicks.)

i feel like zeff wouldnt treat sanji different when hes obviously feelin little (aside from basic care just to make sure sanji doesnt hurt himself) he wouldnt treat him like a burden or annoyingly like a baby. i feel like that would make sanji feel terrible about himself, so just the normalcy even when hes little encourages him that its okay, hes still helping its okay, no one cares that your biting your nails after zeff just told you not too. zeff wouldnt tell sanji he knows that he age regresses, and sanji doesnt tell zeff hes little. (but sometimes maybe zeff, on days the baratie isnt as busy and they can afford to work slower, zeff likes to subtly do things to make the eggplant regress farther. just enough to where he can still work and not be extremely overwhelmed, while still helpin sanji cope) (it goes well, the other chefs never catch on to this, thank irene am i right)

-sanjis definitly the kinda kid to regress if he ever gets sick. hes not used to bein sick as it is, and i feel like due to this that when he does get sick, he gets *SICK* like bedridden type shit. he totally makes someone take care of him, “oh chopper you wanna do somethin else? too bad! hes sick and hes makin it everyones problem.” “oh nami you wanted to come check up on his while chopper managed to slip away, oh well you just sealed your fate, that boy is clingin to you like big sanji has never done before.”

the baby is cryin because he wont stop coughin and its givin him a headache, only to cry harder when chopper tries to give him cough medicine. hes screamin cryin because he feels icky, but hes also cryin because now he has a sore throat.

-ive seen some people say that sanji probably wouldnt throw many fits or have many tantrums, and i agree with that, but oh my irene let that kid have a tantrum, let him whine and cry and make the crew scramble to fix the problem, as a treat🫶 let him cause baby mayhem, let him create disarray, hes never done a bad thing in his life, lets get that number to one shall we?

(-zoro givin lil sanji a sip of his booze because sanji wont stop askin,

sanji takes one sip, and then promptly spits it out, zoro just laughin his lungs out.)

OKAY THATS IT, this was gonna be about lil zoro too but. sanji took it over, wow im never on track with these, f plannin lets see what happens, also wanted to ask, where are you jn one piece rn? i wanna make sure i dont spoil ☹️ (im in post timeskip — punk hazard) i try to leave these asks/rambles ambiguous to the time period because i know you only take pre time skip, but sometimes i think i make it a bit more specific so sorry just in case)

and i hope your doing well too, make sure to take breaks and everythin for yourself, mental health comes first, and thank you for the prayers 🤍 right back at ya

📷

:D heyoh friend!

~See you get it! I always thought that with Nezuko. Especially felt this after the red light district when Tanjiro’s singing is what stops her from loosing control.

~Things are a lot easier to process as a toddler simply looking up to Tanjiro to take care of her.

~But also baby space Nezuko, being swaddled by Tanjiro. Confusing everyone at first because- why does Tanjiro have a baby???

~Maybe she was regressed when the attack happened and that’s what lets her change her height/age as a demon. <-random idea anyways

Okay One Piece now

~~~

~I started a long time ago a fic with Zeff figuring out that Sanji regresses. It ended up being kind of dark with other unhealthy coping mechanisms included. Anyways sharing because I have always loved the idea of Zeff just, getting the chance to look after his little eggplant again.

~Idea: Zeff calling Sanji baby eggplant when he knows the boy is regressed without realizing, and Sanji just panics for a moment because- ‘oh hell Zeff hasn’t called me that in years. He knows! No he doesn’t. Yes he does!’

~“oh chopper you wanna do somethin else? too bad! hes sick and hes makin it everyones problem.”

<-

Jdjodbsjbdj oh my gosh XD Luffy too. They would both be so dramatic. Imaging them both being sick and regressed together. The mopiest and clingiest babies ever.

And poor Nami. Can’t even properly pry off Sanji without feeling bad. She has to just resign to her fate of getting sick from the baby.

~No I agree. Let him be fussy and inconsolable. As a treat :3 ( <- coming from the regressor who would also like to throw a tantrum sometimes but can’t) Too many big emotions that are too hard to process.

~Also Franky teaching him how to throw a “proper” tantrum. And Robin using her devil powers to catch flying books and objects thrown across the room, to make sure nothing breaks so that Sanji doesn’t feel bad after, but not exactly stopping the little. Just letting it run its course. Scribbling over the page of a coloring books and snapped crayons and ripped pages.

(<- Has too many ideas, can you tell?)

XD honestly I do the same thing. My brain is all over the place always.

Story time to answer your question! I watch one piece with my mom, as it’s her favorite anime. Currently I am at water seven although I’ve seen enough spoilers that I belive I can write most of the main crew with reason. Not the first time I’ve written fandom blind/ character blind and no ones called me out on it yet >:3 (I have about 15 or so fics on ao3 for a fandom I never watched a single episode for)

Usually watch an episode or two a day but the hyperfixation of this series called the Andy Griffith show has taken over One Piece right now so I will be on water seven for awhile longer. But feel free to mention any characters really, I’ll still do my best to comment on them :D

[afuckingsystemsthoughts]

my last post had me thinking about how autistic people have so much religious trauma or js rejection to religion in some way. and while recounting my experience, i came to a realization: autistic people are demonized by radical religious people. not just cults, but people who follow christianity. these christians arent your usual accepting loving christians- im talking about the bible thumper christians that take everything out of context. they believe "oh well hey look! if god doesnt make imperfection, and people are born with autism, and autism is an imperfection, then god didnt make autistic people and theyre all born evil!" they also use that for other disabilities from birth. autistic behaviors are also different from most people without it so there have been radical christians who believe we're possessed. just because a three year old with a developmental disorder likes to stack their toys instead of playing with them. or because the kid is five and still only says three phrases. (ive heard one of these radical religious ableists talk about "muted spirits" and demon posession or whatever.) our brains are sensitive to loud noises which churches have a lot of and we are sensitive to flourescent overhead lighting which also makes them think we're evil. "they cant stand light! theyre demons!" did we say we need everything dark? no just not too bright. neurotypical people with migraines have the same sensitivity and don't get the same ableism for it all the time if they do. our brains just are wired differently. usually its genetic, and genetic mutations are usually caused by environmental factors. do these people ever consider that autism could be caused by exposure to pollution while the mom is pregnant or while the baby is still in the first year of life? no, they choose to believe we're inherently born evil. and if we arent facing the "you were born this way. thats bad" view, we're faced with the "autism isnt real. its just demons" view as done by a pastor rick morrow of beulah church in richland, missouri. he said "my god doesnt make junk" referring to us as junk. and saying hes done prayers that healed autism. i also read lots of autistic athiests posts, and thats how i realized. autistic non-evangelicals hate god because they think He hates them, causing them to be unsure about the world and/or use athiesm as a coping mechanism. i believe in freedom of religion, this isnt about forcing athiests to be christian or vice versa. this is about how religion is being used as a tool for abuse and ableism. autistic people aren't born evil, and they don't rebel against god until theyve been hurt by religion. radical christians are something wrong with this country- they spread hate, they gaslight minorities including mentally disabled people, theyre ableist, and theyre homophobic and transphobic. they hate anyone that isnt superior, meaning they only like white able bodied able minded people. i could go on and on about how radical christians especially how theyve hurt autistic people and i might add to this with more rants.

[yourlocalcannibalist]

Markiplier egos and who you kin says about you(its also to the people who like/favouritises these egos in specific)part 1

(I apologize if I get some of these wrong)

-If you kin dark well you want justice.Somebody whos tired of always being treated horribly.Turning cold after some point of being tired bc of others behaviours.Not giving others second chances like you used to bc of the consequences you faced later on in life.Dark kinnies I just wanna tell you that im sorry for what happened to you I trully am…Also you arent a horrible person even if you put this persuade of a person whos cold etc..You only put that persuade just bc of your past. Also hows the daddy issues going on? Also I bet you miss damien and want to see more of him like dark.

-If you kin wilford then are you ok? What happened to you? Like legit—anyways on another note youre somebody who’s probably very bubbly and fun! Youre probably the fun friend.You are honestly somebody who doesnt let others affect them much even if it can hurt at times.Also you may seem obnoxious and annoying to others even if to me you arent remember that!You are also somebody who maybe suffers through intrusive thoughts which im sorry about and feel bad for.Also people made fun of you for liking pink or considered you weird just bc of you being you which sucks ass.Well just so you know you arent weird! Youre being you and thats important!

-If you kin illinois then youre somebody whos a sucker for romance.Youre also somebody whos flirtatious with friends as a joke even if you mean every word.At some point you liked Indiana jones or called him a rip off of him.You also want somebody a partner most likely bc sure you have that flirty personality but deep inside you just want love ,somebody to care for you etc.. Which I can understand but the time will come ik it!!Be patient alright?Oh also forgot youre barely scared of anything and are laid back.You like going on adventures or just seeing it .

-If you kin eric then im sorry for how people treat you.Especially your dad as you dont deserve this at all.Youre probably suffer from anxiety and get shitted on for it by your parents .Also hows the relationship with your dad going? Not well ? Well aint surprised also I wanna tell you that being sensitive is ok! Its ok to cry when you need to… You shouldnt feel ashamed to feel that way at all .Also things arent your fault sure you blame yourself but it isnt! Your also a huge over thinker which makes things difficult for you along with anxiety.Also if you need help its ok to ask ! I know it can be hard and difficult but I know you can do it!One last thing I wanna say is that you my friend have people pleasing habits which im sorry to hear of but hope you can overcome that one day!

-If you kin head engineer then…youre somebody who cant see things or understand them well .Not until somebody points it out .Its the same thing when ever youve done something wrong.Youre also somebody who likes space alot and you thank mark for that .Along with the fact you have a big heart for others and you care about them. Head engineer kinnies I just wanna tell you that you dont have to put them or others first …take care of yourself. Speaking of which you have a favourite person .I bet at some point you cried at the part in iswm part 2 when head engineer was in it.Youre also somebody who barelly cares if they head in straight into something it only gives u adrenaline bc the mystery etc..Along with being nervous also.

-If you kin actor mark then..youre probably a theatre kid or something.Youre also somebody who hates when people prove you wrong.Sure even if you are wrong youre still a bit stubborn and wanna prove your point.You probably like other villains and understand there point of you tbh.Your childhood was probably rough along with the relationship you had before. You also enjoy company yet get jealous easily when ever you dont get your friends attention.

-If you kin the host/author well I wanna tell you that youre somebody who likes books along with creepy stuff.Youre somebody whos probably interested in the paranormal stuff like ghosts etc… You also have a weird fascination with history at some point.You are somebody whos wise ,looking at situations before acting on them.You are also very creative and honestly can write alot if you put your mind to it.At some point ,you wanted to be an author or a book writer and decided to make fanficts or something.Just to you know try it out.Youre somebody that just hates change ,you often enjoy when things stay the same and like it that way.Youre also somebody who barely reveals things or is quite mysterious or quite the opposite.

-If you kin bim then im worried about you in honesty as your somebody whos very interested in autonomy .How the human body works etc… Youre also somebody whos interested in murder ,killing and all that jazz.Youre somebody who people often worry about but you barelly care which good on you I guess.Youre also somebody who barelly gets scared of blood or when a gory scene happens or completely the opposite.You probably are somebody who wanted to taste weird things or bite them in general. But on the non concerning side your somebody who holds your close ones very close and would do anything for them.You probably have like one best friend who you share everything to even the concerning parts and they tolerate it lel .Youre somebody who rarely gets scared or the opposite.Youve probably tasted your own blood before just bc you wondered how it tasted.

-If you kin yancy then… you have familly issues and barelly get along with your parents.Youre often seen as the disappointment by your parents just bc of your actions.You probably act on instinct when ever something happens.Barelly caring if something ends up in a fight if it meant you where doing something good in the end.At some point you wanted to be dressed as a prisoner for halloween just bc it reminded you of yancy.You also have the habit of saying “youse” or speak how he speaks accent wise.Speaking of the parents topic you see mark as a dad figure (dont wee all tho?) or u see older figures as parent figures.You also suffer for parent issues (as in mom and dad issues. Anyways you also at some point wanna get the same tattoo as yancy or cosplay as him bc hes that cool to you.You also like the color black and white thats it .Youre also somebody who quite caring even if people dont see you that way often,seeing you as somebody who only causes trouble.Which to your point of you do it just bc you had reasons and all that jazz.You also adore when fight scene happen in movies often ,looking at the scenes very carefully even if theres to much stuff happening all at once etc… Youre also somebody who listened to “I dont wanna be free” hundreds of times just bc its that good (which I dont blame you it is a good song)

[destinyc1020]

having been on twitter myself and very recently left it, i would for sure agree that there's more timmy fans who come for tom, it escalated like mad over the past couple years. of course there's good timmy stans because i am friends with some of them, but it's so so strange how i think that among their fandom some have really made dunking on tom normal and acceptable. the proof of this can be seen when there's a hate tweet for tom made by a timmy stan, there are lots of likes on it from people within the timmy fandom. but on the flip side, when there's a rare tom fan hating on timmy, the tweet has less likes and more quote retweets calling them out or arguing in the comments. at least for toms fandom that seems to signal a less toxic fandom, i get the sense that most of the stans don't really care about the drama and just want to keep on vibing. i don't know what it is that those types of people who get so mean are big fans of timmy, it's certainly not a reflection on him since he's never encouraged that behavior. you're right destiny when you say he'd cringe if he knew what some of his fans say.

i don't know why timmy's fandom is like that, they shouldn't really be feeing insecure, but there's just a sect of his fans that really delight n dragging others down. it's really weird to me, i'm not sure if more of them are younger or cliqueish and that leads to the behavior or what. i'm glad that there's a really open discussion on this page about it bc it's one of the reasons i left twitter i was so done with the constant negativity on tom and also z from the normie dudebro side of twitter. there's a really nice supportive community on there for tz stans, but unfortunately it's just not the greatest for someone sensitive like me. something i've noticed, though, it is hard to stay away from twitter now!! i feel like i got so used to checking it that i almost have an 'itch' now that i'm off my account and deleted the app off my phone. i don't really want to call it an addiction but it feels pretty similar to it, i think the sense i'm getting from a lot of your anons is that people upset by twitter have got to step away from it. if you feel a compulsion to check it like i did, that's a big red flag that it would be a good idea to step away. another thing im glad of is tom speaking up about taking social media breaks. i truly cant imagine what it would be like to read such negative things about yourself or a loved one, so im glad he has the self awareness to step away. this is the longest anon message i've ever written but i love the thoughts you have on this kind of thing destiny, its good to see some honest talk about how fandoms can effect us. fandoms should be for fun so if yall arent having fun for sure reassess!

Thanks for your input Anon 😊

I honestly don't know much about Timmy's fandom tbh, so I can't really speak much on it, but just based on what some of you have said, it just seems to be a huge sense of insecurity on their end? 🤷🏾‍♀️

I mean, if you're solidly sure of your fave, and you think he's the best (or whatever), you won't feel the need to bring down OTHER actors. I keep saying this.

The fact that SOME (notice I said some) of his fans seem to need to put down Tom all the time just gives me the impression that they must view Tom as some kind of a threat. If they didn't, they wouldn't be behaving that way imo.🤷🏾‍♀️

That's my psychoanalysis for the day lol.

Re: Twitter...

Yea, if you're finding it difficult to quit ANYTHING, then technically it is an addiction.... whether you realize it or not. 👀 If you feel anxious or uneasy when you leave social media or delete the app after a few days, then yea, you're addicted lol 😆

You should be able to leave social media alone and feel completely FINE, and not feel like you're "missing out" on anything. You really should be able to live your life without being "plugged in" all the time. 👀

Jmho 🤷🏾‍♀️

I most definitely urge fans to just delete the app and take at least a week off and see how you feel! 🙏🏾 The great thing about this is that the longer you stay away from smthg, the less and less you will feel the urge to be on it.

[myunhingedex]

What did childhood me need the most?

I needed love. I needed an ounce of love from my parents that i never got growing up. I have a disorder because they didnt love me enough. I needed space to love myself and i needed to be away from my abusive mother and nobody tried hard enough to get me away from her and when they did they threw me in stupid hospitals. I needed love. I needed self care. I needed good healthy habits from a young age. I needed someone to teach me all this crap that i didnt learn until this year and someone to be more kind and gentle with me. I needed to ignore bullies and their remarks and not let people projecting their selfish ideologies onto me.

What am i avoiding -> What am i addicted to?

I am avoiding real love and replacing it with sex. I am avoiding developing feelings for people. I am avoiding self love and self care. I am avoiding my personal needs and i am avoiding doing the actual work.

What secrets am i hiding and why?

All my accomplishments in life that i have had i have always hid from people. I feel my old friends know my accomplishments but i dont broadcast it like i probably should. I have done a lot with my life which is the sheer reality and i have a lot to be proud of but because everyone else is above me i feel like a goddamn loser.

Am i being honest with myself and others?

No. I am not. I am not being honest about who i am truly. I am hiding behind witchcraft and lying about this person that i truly am not. I am pretending to be someone i am not to make other people happy and not following my true goals and passions and doing what i clearly want to do with life. I am not living life to my full authentic abilities. I am a fraud. I am pretending to be this unhinged crazy person online and thats not who i am at all. I am not being honest about my past and i am hiding it behind fake amnesia. I know the reality. I am allowing others to gaslight me and treat me like shit and i am letting people who are loose cannons get to me.

What are my biggest misconceptions about myself?

That i cant do it. I can do everything in life that i want. That i cant be a better person that i cant grow. That im never going to get my teeth fixed. That im ugly. That i cant sing. That im worthless. That im pathetic. All these are false ideas about myself. They arent true. I listen to demonic entities basically in human form lying and saying untrue shit about me. They dont even know me and they have this idea and i allow myself to listen to it. I allow myself to think that im fat. That im worthless. That i have zero fucking accomplishments. This is all a problem.

What are the first signs you notice that your mental health is dipping?

I stop taking my medication and i stop actually doing the work. I start sending people a million messages and i freak the fuck out on everybody. I start getting paranoid and develop panic and anxiety attacks. I think everyones against me when i dont think they even give a fucking shit. I think more people are here for it and want to see me succeed than fail. I think the worst of people and their intentions. I start to sleep with random strangers and have reckless sex. A lot of reckless sex. I start to ignore my wants and needs.

what beliefs and behaviors did you adopt from your family that you now question

The beliefs and behaviors i now question would be the belief that im this horrible person because im not. I think because i let my families words get to me so bad and their perception of me that i basically allowed myself to think cruel untrue things about myself and others because i thought i was a piece of shit person when thats just not the reality at all.

What easily triggers (feeling) and what may be the reason for this sensitivity

The main feeling i have is that im not good enough. I feel like im not good enough for things everyone else has. I am not good enough for love. I am not worth it to anyone. I am not good enough for more than a one night stand. I am toxic. These beliefs really get me and what triggers it are people talking poorly about me.

Have you ever had a reoccurring dream?

I used to have a dream about a building falling down and all my friends and myself rushing away from it. I had this dream over and over for the longest time and couldnt figure out why. I have dreams about someone im in conflict with who has a restraining order on me. (The only person right now). I have dreams about him constantly all the time. I dream about him. He is someone i cant stop thinking about. I really screwed that one up. I did that to myself.

What part of myself do i feel disconnected to and why?

I feel disconnected with my inner child. I need to work on healing my inner child and growing and developing as a human being. I need to work on self love. I feel like i hate myself.

How do i let others invade my boundaries?

I never say no. I always say yes to people. I have no boundaries with others period. I constantly am allowing people to walk all over me without a care about me. I dont care about me enough and i have to start.

How much do i rely on external validation?

Way too much. I constantly rely on others for their opinions of me. I constantly am saying validate me validate me etc. I care way to much about what people think.

Do i tend to resist or embrace change?

I resist change. I dont like change. I hate when it happens. I feel like change is horrible for me and i cant cope or deal.

What are some toxic habits that i have adapted?

I have used sex as a bandaid to cover severe issues i have. Instead of dealing with problems and communicating whats wrong i fuck someone or go on a date or do something toxic. I use men to make myself feel good and validate me. I always have. I am manipulative and i am a person that insults people or just dosent know how to deal with their emotions properly. I have always not known how to communicate. I suck at communicating with others.

shadow work prompts⋆.ೃ࿔*:･🎀

resources for ur healing journal and healing journey in general bcuz u deserve to heal ✨ (constantly being updated and improved)

SHADOW WORK PROMPTS ;

what did childhood me need the most

what am i avoiding -> what am i addicted to

what secrets am i hiding and why

am i being honest with myself/others

what are my biggest misconceptions about myself

what are the first signs that u notice and know that ur mental health is dipping

what beliefs and behaviors did u adapt from ur family that u now question

what easily triggers (feeling) and what might be a reason for this sensitivity

have u ever had a reoccurring dream

do u have desires or ambitions that u feel embarrassed to admit

what critical thoughts do u have about urself

what part of myself do i feel disconnected to and why

how do i let others invade my boundaries

how much do i rely on external validation

do i tend to resist or embrace change

what are some toxic habits that i've adopted

[phantalgia]

9/9/24 - COVID thoughts, Can't Stop Arguing In My Head, Financial Troubles

I’m unsure if I should separate these things into seperate diaries because we have: COVID progress, arguing in my head, and financial troubles (although I’m not sure to what extent). Knowing me, I'll just ramble on about every thing and get too much done. Anyway let's try.

COVID Progress

I think the good news is that my heart hasn't been too much of a problem recently. I suspect that it's mostly triggered by a consistent usage of my heart via exercise. There will be an occasional weird event but it never leads to a spiraling event.

Not sure what changed, but what has changed has been some new symptoms of symptoms I've exerperienced before just more extreme. Also coming and going. Puffy hands and a feeling of my thumb about to pop, extreme nerve pain especially headaches, eye artifacts, tinnitus, pissing myself, nausea digestion issues, dizziness, short of breathe and that respritory alkalosis thing im more sensitive to.

Im pacing a lot still and cant seem to get my mind off things. The pacings themselves dont cause much problems until I become idle. There's a certain irony to them.

Yesterday I did something, I want to keep it private (nothing bad if thats what youre thinking), just caused those headaches to be even worse. I don’t know what to think anymore right now. Part of me doesnt believe I suffer with the things I do and I should get over them.

I mentioned before how these symptoms really feel like things I've experienced before just taken to 11. It's true. Which makes me wonder if there's more to my pre-covid issues. I don’t know. This stuff, ontop of my obsessions, ontop of my idleness in life have really been tearing me down right now. I don’t know where to go. My spelling and ability to think has gotten worse.

The Fake Arguments In My Head

What purpose do these serve? I’m having fake arguments with fake or past people in my head all the time. Man am I that angry? It's not helpful. I’m not gonna prove anything to anyone. Why do I care? It's really the bottom of the barrel stuff getting into "debates" and arguments.

Really, just talking or writing in spaces where you’re free to is better. Not isolated individuals. They just won’t get it and spur of the moment interactions arent good places either. It's a waste of time and even if I were to do it I should take my advice and use personal experience and an introduction to my world instead.

This doesn't help the obsessive arguments. Gosh where did these come from, they're not productive. They cause unnessesary adrenaline surges that I already experience. I don’t need more. I know it's from self hatred, and the disappointment of people coming to unhealthy conclusions about the world after disillusionment.

I read "Does The Left Have Snobby Purity Culture" by Mark Fisher. It was good, I think it was necessary self reflection that I’m being a snobby purist to myself. I have my own inner monolouge punishing me for my past instead of moving forward. My on "leftist" twitter mob canceling me in my head.

He's made good points in that article, many of these people come from positions of privilege and still haven't existed the individualist conditioning modern culture has. Control over others behavior while they are still in process of unlearning isn't fair and is a problem for the left. I dont think many of these people are true leftists. Apologizes for using purity tests myself now.

But yeah, these people still follow a particular set of bourgeois standards that they expect others to follow. They think they have completely disentangled themselves from the dominant cultures grip on them. But just like the gambler who claims to be "an exception to gambling's psychological trickery" nobody is immune to the shadow of dominant culture.

I need to give myself a break here, these fake arguments arent healthy. I don’t know where to go to stop. I still want to filter out people who are right wingers from my sphere of association. But often times people on the left don’t want to hang out with me. So it's like what is the point? Why be a leftist if you have no solidarity in your heart? No vision for something more out of life. Ugh anyway moving on...

Financial Troubles? And Healthcare in the US Rant

Speaking of leftism. Let's talk about how I’m doing with capitalism. Not well. In fact my insurance was billed $700k, yes $700k for simple blood work. Right now, the thinking is "clearly that's a mistake" and it probably is. I get the healthcare system is bad. But it can't possibly be THIS bad.

Bloodwork is still outrageously expensive but to have it cost almost as much as a god damn house?! Even though those houses are still just as expensive. Oh who am I kidding, we're being ripped off out of everything.

It doesn't make sense and it's probably a mistake. Or has to be I mean there is no way. Right now for the past year Ive been a play thing for doctors and a bank for this shit. The amount of times I keep getting sick and feeling sick is making me go through money. Even with insurance.

At some point I gotta give up on going to the doctor and just rot. I cant risk losing more money that I need just to survive. I’m lucky to have insurance but it's really just pathetic how much you still pay.

I still cant believe Americans put up with this. Why cant we all just do a medical debt strike, march on Washington and demand a universal healthcare system? Why are we so pathetic? If this was happening in any other country there would be riots but we've put up with it for years now.

We'd be saving so much money on medical costs and not be giving money to a system that pays for yachts. I mean their entire business model requires that they NOT pay any way they can. Who the hell thought this was a good idea? And why are we still being gaslit?

Really these businesses should be non profit cooperatives with municipal or government subsidies and monitoring. Or even better, a syndicate system connecting them all so they can help out each other based on need. Doctors, nurses, and patients could be representitives to these institutions and have open platforms to discuss funding, and planning and so on.

It'll probably also help in eliminating the toxic power dynamics between doctors and patients. And give patients more power. Easy access to medical knowledge should also be open source to everyone from patients to doctors and should be emphasized. Sigh, but one can only dream I guess.

Done

Anyway, I’m done here. I don’t know what else to say or do today. I just don’t feel good. I want friends, i want community, i need help...

[frostbite-the-bat]

goofy ass ms paint werewolf eating a mango as a divider between the rant under this bc i do not wish to be precieved rn but i still wanna rant some thoughts out

random lovely guzma urge to delyeet everythin on myne site bc not only did i make it for petz things back when i was active between petz folks and got some encouragement there and ended up never finishing petz things for it, but i also feel horrible and uncommited for it being hosted and made on weebly and for bein too lazy to yeet my shit over to neocities just cause that shit gives me a headache and instead of getting inspired by people i feel jealous and unwelcome

also been working on my sleep schedule its a bit better now and im like. better in general now..? idk how long i can keep this up but getting up early makes me just. so tired like all day urgh i do not understand how i used to keep myself up when this tired. tired tired. brain empty. hard to do shit for long. defo needs more breaks but i swear to god everything feels like its frying my brain but i got nothin to do indoors. guess i can go draw traditionall but i end up putting such high expectations on myself i just yeah. fuck it up. get stressed. not fun. i need to stop thinking about others bc i keep thinking i put effort into smthn i need to show it off.like if i wasted time here i might as well. no this isnt showable it sucks damn it

even stuff i do draw purely for myself as self indulgent shit i go urhh this aint right

oh and then i try doin a lil excercise so im not like. physically diyng but my god that tires me out like instantly. but its okay, baby steps.

dont know what sort of place i am in mentally. the type id prolly spiral a bit over if it werent nice and 2 pm. wacky stuff. i wanna maybe do some stuff but ugh my brain just. isnt big thoughts when im tired. but honestly when am i not tired. and i am getting art done but i cant get myself to draw all day again ill end up in pain again my hand rn already is being a bit of a bitch

uhhh played pokemon in the morning but i need better pokemon already. i fuck up every raid (raids i need so i can get better mons easier) (and my shiny ralts i want easier)

hmm maybe i need a break from stuff but what kinda break what even is relaxing in my case? and "break from people" is a slippery slope of self isolation i always slip into. bit difficult to figure myself out

also, different thing, but ive been considering this for a good few months now and kinda ignoring it but i read one (1) thing and i m intrigued to do more n more research now but man do not like how moral ocd clicks perfectly with a lot of my most common issues . so i guess thats a thing to consider going into (like research) . if it helps .bc dear god i am Sensitive

but uhmmm yea sleeping better now ig like i went to sleep around ONE. my usual sleep time was 5-6 am a while ago !!!!!!! 1 am has always been my kinda usual time. man and i used to do that even when i had school and i *functioned* with less sleep. how did i do that. uhm. not well i guess

but yeah. things.. arent feeling right and i kinda wanna wipe my brain. also the neocities thing seems to be a part of my issue of (ppl who dont care abt me) r gonna thingk i suck bc i dont do (this that i find difficult) (coding) i will be exploded forever and shunned andhated

uhmmm what else yea last thought i forgot as i was gonna type it and the last thing i am deciding not to share anyway bc Shame so hooray

guy who is eeypy tired

i am just realizing how like tired i am but if i go nap ill make it worse so uhmm cope i guess lmfao at least it keeps me going to sleep at a more regular hour but like srsly brain we got around 8 hours of sleep why are you tired we used to get less and function fine. maybe not as good but we functioned

[my-gf-is-kazuichi-soda]

This started out as a rant and turned into an entire Character Headcanon Study Blurb Thing whoops

Tumblr danganronpa fandom has the coldest takes on Kazuichi and it is so sad

And the ones that bug me most arent even from haters, theyre from people who are fans but like they think Kazuichi is just a Stock Stupid Character.

"Kaz is no thoughts head empty" bitch she sometimes *wishes* she were no thoughts head empty she is literally Always Thinking she cant even sleep sometimes because she gets Brain Racing. Dont let her kinda resting, kinda stressed out faces fool you that time where she was trying to look like a tough guy she was constantly thinking about how people saw her and what was going on socially and it was really overwhelming.

There's always like one or two songs, or like two pieces of a song that never finish, stuck in the unused tabs in her head while the used tabs are doing like fifty other things and feel like theyre going nowhere, which is so frustrating. She is unmedicated and doesnt know that she could use medication. She judges herself on Neuotypical Standards and assumes all of her autism and adhd traits are her "being dumb again." And you bet she internalizes that and it drills into her self esteem.

She makes open ended goals and gets frustrated that they never feel finished. She downplays all of her successes because she never feels good enough, especially if everyone ignored what she accomplished and just looks at her like they expect more. Life gets in the way and plans falter and she blames herself for all the failures (and exaggerates the failures in her head) and she is so rejection-sensitive and internalizes everything bad people say about her and lowkey thinks everyone hates her if people dont openly show that they're not mad at her. That they still enjoy her company.

Her dad was an asshole who took advantage of her skills and hypocritically expected a lot from her while not providing for their small family (which is just the two of them). You think she cant do housework? She was doing almost as much as Mahiru for her family (I did not intend to give them almost the same backstory just by not giving Kaz a mom but that's how it worked lol) before the "vacation." But everything ruined her expectations, her routine, her setup, so she had trouble doing things like washing her clothes because her thoughts would get in the way, including "Id have to find a block of time to not leave the house" because this is her One Oufit (sensory issues and not knowing how she wants to present herself right now make it harder for her to find other clothes she likes) and things like "we'll be able to go home any day now so what's the rush?" Im still not sure what she was doing to keep her clothes from smelling bad but it worked bc Hiyoko was canonically the only one who smelled bad and everyone else complained about it. But anyway this clothes thing probably weighed on her brain Sometimes A Little and Sometimes A Lot almost the whole time, making it harder for her to do anything about it. It's hard to make ADHD brain do the thing that does Not have a time limit AND weighs on you for so long and your brain tricks you by making up rules like"it cant be done until you do this other thing", and one of the rules in her head was probably "I shouldnt have to wash this until we get back home, and we're definitely getting back home any day now"

She wants to trust everybody, if she had it her way she would trust everybody all the time (and be friends with everybody all the time tbh), but she just cant.

Life has shown her that people are assholes, that they can and will betray her, and she still feels like a gullible little kid who gets hurt trusting everyone, so she overcompensates and trusts no one.

She doesnt want to be the sissy boy anymore so she overcompensates and tries to be the tough guy. She doesnt want people to call her gay like in middle school so when she's attracted to a woman's body she lets all the guys know so that they dont mysteriously find out that she's queer and hurt her for it (it's not actually mysterious but she has trouble telling when she's obvious about a crush or attraction to a guy so it always feels out of nowhere when guys pick up on that and call her a homo or a fag.) Her earliest crushes were boys and when she got her first girl crushes she thought she was finally "done with (her) 'gay phase' " and was deep in denial when she was still attracted to guys, including some of the assholes she was trying to impress all the time.

Not to mention the killing game. Every time she wasnt distracting herself with Hajime or Sonia just to keep herself Feeling Alright she was spending almost all that time trying to think of a way off the island. When Hajime said "with that much free time you should be more productive" I wanted to kick my shoe through my Nintendo Switch. Hajime Dumbass she was doing that pretty much every time she wasnt socializing. I think most adhd people have heard that line, "be more productive, focus on the right thing, dont get distracted," I know Hajime is just a kid with unchecked biases but yeah that line attacked me

"Be more productive" kind of like when she was trying to figure out her plans for the future? She's a totally creative dreamer who daydreams of big things like rockets and princesses and motorcycles and tanks, but with her autism she wants to be realistic, and her dad was always telling her to have her goals figured out so she would make money (also pushing her to always be supporting him because "Im your father I did everything for you") so she is stumped because her ideas are for creative scenarios that get limited due to real life: limited finances, sensory issues/motion sickness, and all the pessimism from over time of feeling like a dumb dumb kid. Her dreams were shut down so much she censors herself, and even when her dreams are more masculine and reachable, she's still hesitant to talk, but Hajime told her to settle for being a delinquent. She didnt want that. But she doesnt know what she wants that she can obtain so she's stumped. The fact that she is thinking about her future after graduating when she's also trying to find a way off the island...no thoughts head empty?

She literally stayed up multiple nights freaking out and coming up with plans for stuff, including to capture Nagito again so he doesnt hurt someone, and you think she's no thoughts head empty. Get out of here.

[ibolyafagyi]

most of the times i write something (whether its a post that a few ppl will see or my private diary entry!) theres a need to finish off with a moral imperative or "this is what i need to do for this goal". me writing right now also has this intent lurking. i guess i started writing out stuff both on the internet or for myself with mostly this goal, not just to communicate but to change something, and it stuck around as a general rule.

but i feel like it also connects to and feeds into a general vibe of excessive productivity orientedness. i am always fixing something, even when theres nothing in particular to fix, or the problem/situation is not ripe enough, not definable enough for fixing. meaning my feelings about them (or what id like the situation to be) arent really developed and defined yet. the impulse to do something about it >> feeling the situation out patiently.

when someone hurts me, it is *my* job to asap understand my feelings and organize them and communicate and mediate and get to a conclusion etc. "you have to do what you can do, whats within your control." my feelings dont really get a chance to breathe before i want to get to fixing "them" and their cause. my anger is always viewed as excessive, unnecessary. (family reasons?)

i have to do whats within my control to be in control of the situation, and then if im out of control, its always at least partially my fault (the nagging feeling of "i could have done more!!"), my shortcoming, which again ill have to work to fix. i had an ed when i was 15-16 (never sure how to phrase this cuz it feels more like i got into disordered eating but that doesnt seem healthily phrased enough) -- in any case it was an exercise in controlling what i can and getting a very visceral sense of control.

i was watching kennie j. d.'s video about love island 4 and she talked about the dynamic of a person being emotionally sensitive, getting shit for it, then wanting to turn that trait into a strength by becoming a sort of savior, fixing other people who are more emotionally immature or closed off, and who they see as in need of their help. treating other people as projects. (dont do that.) i did do that! but another way ive tried to deal with this discomfort around being sensitive is the fixing-oriented attitude towards my feelings.

when covid started i was still fairly fresh out of high school and needed to do something about my mental health, seemed like i was painfully trying to skirt around insecurities all the time. i wanted to face them and got down to diary writing. it was sorta liberating so i thought oh if i just do this, confess my insecurities and go on a continual hunt for my ways that i perceive as faulty, i will eventually fix everything about myself and "will function normally". i dont even know if this sounds weird, it has been my thinking for a long while.

but it doesnt pay off well to be in a constant state of "im faulty, i need to eliminate my faults". like a machine. it served me in some way but its not a good attitude. im not my job. im not my project to perfect and eventually finish. (read rfq's essay isolation is easy living is hard.) neither me or the world is objective -- is somehow an attractive phrase. we are just changing. its not finishable.

[littlx-songbxrd]

I'm trying to avoid giving too many spoilers but here is the section I feel iffy about.

Kieran pulled her away from his shoulder to look at her face. She wasn’t looking him directly in the eye, instead opting for his long eyelashes. “I understand why you feel that way. I know all too well it is both a blessing and a curse to feel as we do. This is not your fault. None of this is your fault.”

Alyssa whined in protest. 

“I understand that you may have been told otherwise. You may have been told as a child that you were overly dramatic or too sensitive, a burden on others. But this is all nonsense. I may not have known you for very long, but I know this to be true. You are a good person Alyssa. You wouldn’t be this bothered by your own supposed failures if you did not care. Yes it’s true you are emotional and prone to anger, occasionally short sighted and stubborn but you are also passionate and kind. You are full of light and I enjoy being in your presence. Your dissatisfaction with your reality and the world surrounding you is not a flaw. It is powerful, and if you can harness that power it can be used to create things of great beauty. It can be used to improve upon the world.” He smiled at her. “And eventually you will come to realize that there is so much to love about this world. So much beauty and complexity, perfect imperfections, and through that, you realize that the same is true of yourself.”

Hmm okok this is iffy because while i do like parts of it, i can totally see why you think some of the advuce wouldnt resonate for Aly. I really enjoyed the last part but outting myself in Alyssas shoes at first i just felt, a bit anmoyed on her behalf. Because thats how 4s minds work. Sometimes, there are people who want to reasure that they understand but at desintegration points every attempt of understanding almost does the opposite effect. Accepting someone moght get it and is looking out for you is almost an insult, because what ive sat around and accepted my solitude to be told my issues arent mine alone? That ive isolated to the point i truly cannot trust anyone want or attempt to understand me and when the damage is done now people want to go ahead and get it?

I think the "this is nonesense" part is what looks the most iffy to me. In my very extremly humble opinion

The thing is im not a 4, so I cant 100% say of my advise will work or not. But maybe restructuring the beggining moght help? As if, less "i get it" more

Talk about his own experience? Kierans has been through desintegration and he totally understand the 4 trauma. Hes the first one to know of years ago youd have told him "hey i get your pain" he'd look at you horrified to.

Wouldnt it be more validating putting it into words? Bonding on the "youve been made to bla bla bla and this this this" ans at some point kieran isnt even sure if hes still talking about aly or himself. But its the aithenticity of his words that truly crack at least, smth, in Alyssa that he actually has some understanding of what shes talking about.

Perhaps also some awcknoladgement he will never understand Alyssas world the same way she can never hope to understand his? Idk i feel like thatd be important for 4s. To actually take into account eachs uniqueness while discussing their trauma.

Fours are sometimes like oil and water to eachother because they want to hold on to the idea of their solitude so highly they will 100% miss the fact they can help eachother. Im noy saying thats whats gonna go on here, im just saying its important fpr 4 to respect eachothers "otherness" if they want to help because if not it will turn into chaos

But thats all i have!!

[polyamorouscultureis]

How can I overcome the guilt of being a bad communicator when im angry? I’ve been told I come off passive aggressive. im just in my head a lot and thinking of a respectful way to react. Other people view it as childish for not communicating my feelings instantly. Its hard for me to know what im feeling and why and i just feel like thats for me to figure out BEFORE I bring an issue to someone. For context i met this guy and I feel like we both moved too fast out of lust. He was going through alot (idk why i always attract ppl at this stage in their life) He lost a family member, and just got out of a relationship. He said the relationship was dead long before it was over but he was still working through things within himself because of it. He said he still felt emotionally available, but i’m realizing now when he still had a lot to work on he was removing the romance aspect of that.. which i didnt understand at the time and asked twice because I felt confused. So I let him know I dont want anything casual/FWB, and he said he didnt either. We’d hang out and he’d be like “we’re on a date” and it felt manipulative once I really started to think about it. Why use that language if we arent actually building on something? After we were intimate with eachother he said “i wouldnt fall in love with me right now. I just dont have the capacity to receive/give love romantically how i normally would” i didnt say anything then because he was being honest and vulnerable but it hurt. I felt manipulated. Probably manipulated myself into thinking something good could come from this. I dont have many experiences with good/honest men. Even though that is the bare minimum.. I wanted to hold on because i felt like i deserved to be loved, but also recognized he cant.. and i just feel like he had just as much responsibility to leave me alone knowing that. I’m also holding myself accountable because so did I. I left something at his house and went to go get it. I was so passive aggressive, told him nothing was wrong, tried to walk away from him after getting my stuff. I thought it would be best to just ghost him. I already caught feelings and it’d hurt too much if he chose to gaslight me to my face. I didnt want to break down in front of him. He called me once i got to my car and cursed at me.. i was so triggered i brought everything i was feeling to his attention in an accusatory way and i feel so much guilt because i feel like maybe if i wasnt so emotional about the situation he would’ve heard me out. I just felt like he could’ve been more sensitive and understanding to how i reacted especially because I previously explained i’ve been through emotionally/sexual abuse. He called me selfish, told me we’re done and its all my fault, and didn’t even acknowledge my explanation for reacting that way. I apologized a few days later once I cooled off but he ignored it, told me if i had more grace he’d have more empathy..and blocked me. Then he went on twitter ranting about “weird women” and it hurt. He knew i would see it. I dont think i’d ever rekindle anything with him. Im not sure if i dodged a bullet or let my anxiety get the best of me. I’m dealing with a lot of guilt for how it ended even though i tried to rectify things, and I think we both could’ve handled eachother better or maybe i am selfish..? Regardless how can I move on from the guilt of how it ended and him in general? Should I block him back?

Wow, this is a lot. I'm sorry you've been through this.

From your original question, being a "bad communicator" when you're angry suggested to me that you're the kind of person who needs space to collect their thoughts before being able to have a mature conversation, which is perfectly fine - I'm like that too!

But given this story you followed up with, sounds like the instance you are talking about where you didnt tell him what was wrong was long after these mismatched expectations had been established. You told him you wanted more than FWB, and he didnt want to move beyond something casual. You both were going through really hard periods of your life. It's possible that subconsciously, you didnt feel safe speaking candidly to him yet, considering your past with abusive men.

However, considering the aftermath of all that, I do think you dodged a bullet with him. You said you told him everything you were having issues with (even if emotional, you still told him, which is good!) and his response was to turn to name calling and vagueposting on Twitter? That does not point to a communication problem on your end.

At the end of the day, I do think it's best to block him and move on. What do you get out of that relationship? I know it's hard to know people are upset with you, but given what you told me I think you both need space from each other.

Best of luck to you anon ❤

[nsaint1]

How can I overcome the guilt of being a bad communicator when im angry? I’ve been told I come off passive aggressive. im just in my head a lot and thinking of a respectful way to react. Other people view it as childish for not communicating my feelings instantly. Its hard for me to know what im feeling and why and i just feel like thats for me to figure out BEFORE I bring an issue to someone. For context i met this guy and I feel like we both moved too fast out of lust. He was going through alot (idk why i always attract ppl at this stage in their life) He lost a family member, and just got out of a relationship. He said the relationship was dead long before it was over but he was still working through things within himself because of it. He said he still felt emotionally available, but i’m realizing now when he still had a lot to work on he was removing the romance aspect of that.. which i didnt understand at the time and asked twice because I felt confused. So I let him know I dont want anything casual/FWB, and he said he didnt either. We’d hang out and he’d be like “we’re on a date” and it felt manipulative once I really started to think about it. Why use that language if we arent actually building on something? After we were intimate with eachother he said “i wouldnt fall in love with me right now. I just dont have the capacity to receive/give love romantically how i normally would” i didnt say anything then because he was being honest and vulnerable but it hurt. I felt manipulated. Probably manipulated myself into thinking something good could come from this. I dont have many experiences with good/honest men. Even though that is the bare minimum.. I wanted to hold on because i felt like i deserved to be loved, but also recognized he cant.. and i just feel like he had just as much responsibility to leave me alone knowing that. I’m also holding myself accountable because so did I. I left something at his house and went to go get it. I was so passive aggressive, told him nothing was wrong, tried to walk away from him after getting my stuff. I thought it would be best to just ghost him. I already caught feelings and it’d hurt too much if he chose to gaslight me to my face. I didnt want to break down in front of him. He called me once i got to my car and cursed at me.. i was so triggered i brought everything i was feeling to his attention in an accusatory way and i feel so much guilt because i feel like maybe if i wasnt so emotional about the situation he would’ve heard me out. I just felt like he could’ve been more sensitive and understanding to how i reacted especially because I previously explained i’ve been through emotionally/sexual abuse. He called me selfish, told me we’re done and its all my fault, and didn’t even acknowledge my explanation for reacting that way. I apologized a few days later once I cooled off but he ignored it, told me if i had more grace he’d have more empathy..and blocked me. Then he went on twitter ranting about “weird women” and it hurt. He knew i would see it. I dont think i’d ever rekindle anything with him. Im not sure if i dodged a bullet or let my anxiety get the best of me. I’m dealing with a lot of guilt for how it ended even though i tried to rectify things, and I think we both could’ve handled eachother better or maybe i am selfish..? Regardless how can I move on from the guilt of how it ended and him in general? Should I block him back?

Hey ♡

anyone cursing at you is a MAJOR red flag. A man who cares about you is going to be patient even when he does not want to be. I almost got dragged into a similar situation like this literally last week. Please assess the situation! If a man just got out of a relationship, they are most likely not going to be looking for anyone serious. They are just looking for someone that they can freely use their body (that is what it is). They will try to lie and manipulate you so that you won't say no or get involved and it is too late.

I was going on a rant about this literally two days ago. These grown men act like they can't communicate and say what they want because they want to try to take advantage, it's pathetic and sad. He manipulated you and decided not to be upfront. "Going through stuff" does not give someone the excuse to treat other people like trash and lie. Nonetheless, It happened and now it's time to move on. At least you know that is not what you want for yourself.

To answer your questions no, you are not being selfish, you don't owe him anything, he misused your trust. There is nothing you can really do with moving on from this, just know that time heals, and every day you will start to care less. If I were you I would block him back like yesterday.

[woundjob]

Hi, anon from the question about the portrayal of drug use in Wolfstar fics here.

I think I worded my ask poorly, because I didn’t at all mean to demonize the use of drugs or alcohol as coping mechanisms or just in general. I completely understand why people use substances to get through the day, especially those who live in situations they can’t escape from, and drugs or alcohol provide comfort or relief. Some people use them for fun, whereas for others it can be a matter of survival.

Montparnasse’s fic “Eclipse and Transit” mentions that Peter suspects Remus of using heroin, and Sirius comments on his own use of cocaine in the story. That was what prompted my ask. I think it makes a lot of sense that people in their situation might use drugs, especially with all the shit happening to them and around them in First War-era fics.

I do think that it’s a subject that needs to be approached carefully, because there’s a huge difference between writing from experience and writing as someone who’s not done any research or is looking at a subject with no understanding of its impact on others. Not exactly the same, but I’m hesitant to read fics that discuss sex work when written by people who have never been sex workers themselves, or at least have a good understanding of the issues that sex workers face in their daily lives, because it’s easy for things to be portrayed in ways that are ignorant or hurtful.

I was curious about your thoughts on the matter because you have interesting perspectives and headcanons about R&S, and I enjoy reading them. I’m sorry that the way I worded my ask was insensitive, and hope that this makes a bit more sense.

its okay!! thanks so much for sending a follow up, i know i can be kind of a bitch when people send me shit thats weird or insensitive from my point of view, so i rlly appreciate the further thought and im sorry for immediately dismissing you <3

in the professional world, ive done a lot of freelance editing for peoples manuscripts. mostly novellas and short stories, but some graphic works and longer novels, too. im a sensitivity reader, meaning (im sure u know but for anyone else reading) i check work about people with my lived experience to make sure its an accurate portrayal. as a person of color and a gay and trans person, this can be anything from kind of weird or cringe stuff to outright harmful stereotyping. the work that i do helps people better portray their characters and gives them an all around better story.

obviously, sensitivity readers and editors dont really exist for fanfiction, unless the writer is really really dedicated. so, you get those fics that portray these sorts of things weirdly or harmfully etc etc. honestly, i think most people are afraid to ask a drug user or sex worker what their experiences are like. can you imagine getting the ask like, hey, whats ur life like? im writing a drarry fic. lmao.

basically, what im saying is, much to your point, if you dont do the research or have experience (or hire someone with the experience) with the subject youre writing, then you arent going to write it well. this goes for sensitive issues like drug use and sex work, but also really anything. heaven knows theres awkward portrayals of gay men out there, but even further, if you werent a fry cook or a business major or a single mom youd have trouble writing with and understanding a character who was one. research is imperative no matter what youre writing, especially with sensitive issues.

that being said, if you ARE doing the research, fics about sex work or drug use etc etc can be really well done. personally im not a fan of fics about addiction, due to my own experiences and my general preference for happy fics, but i can totally see the appeal. as long as a writer is willing to put in the work, i see no problem with this sort of fic. also, im sure i speak for everyone when i say montparnasse’s work is worth it. havent read that fic bc of the infidelity tag unfortunately but i love their work overall. great example of an author who puts thought and time into this sort of thing

anyway i hope that answers ur question at least a little bit. honestly, if ppl arent sure, hire a sensitivity reader! and sorry again for initially writing ur question off <3

[ineedsleepleavemealone]

Heyyy problem children or whateva, I havent posted in a while so let's do what bnha characters would do if you were hurting yourself okay? Okay.

TW: mention of self harm and scars/suicide- I have done this to myself before and ik how it can affect people so I beg you that if you are sensitive to this please do not read this. I have tried to keep it light hearted though as to hopefully not make anyone cry.

N e waysssssss

Iida:

• * cue hand movements *

• I feel like he would be training and would look over to see you laying underneath a tree, short sleeves and trying not to give in to your sad thoughts

• and with genuine worry would come over and sit next to you and pull you up into his lap (given you two are together) and would place his hand on your cheek

• "hey are you ok my love" he would ask with literal concern visible in his voice

• you would have let yourself cry at this point and would be shaking in his arms trying to steady your breathing

• like to the point that you couldn't form words (aswell as being humiliated that you are vulnerable and are wearing short sleeves) so you would just look down and fiddle with your hands

• to which he would look down too and see scars, faded and new, covering the lower part of your arms and wrists

• I'm not gonna lie, he is a really sweet person and I feel like hes kinda innocent too so he would probably gently wrap one arm around your waist and one on your wrist while asking something like "my love who's hurting you? Is it a villain? You should have said love I could have helped you"

• and your response would be a violent shake of your head and you would look up at him and weakly smile and mumble "m-me. I'm doing I-it"

• that's when out of instinct he would make his hand movements being like "that is highly dangerous, if you were to damage yourself for good I...i" and letting himself feel sad he would whisper "I wouldn't be able to bear it my love...please dont do this anymore, I can help you"

• I feel like he would then pull up your wrists and softly kiss each scar and whisper to you "see, I'll kiss them all better for you"

Because I ship erasermic so much I'm doing these to together sooo your just best friends with them in this one. Shouta and yamada:

• shouta wouldn't have noticed if you didnt flinch when he gripped onto your wrist to make you listen to him

• immediately dropping your hand he would look concerned and would call mic over "hey mic come here for a minute I think y/n needs us"

• you would frantically try to walk away because you arent prepared to let them see what you have done

• but as you try to walk away shouta would again grip onto you, your hand this time, and would turn you around so you were facing both mic and him

• letting your hair fall forward as your look down in a desperate way to stop being confronted, mic would move from hugging shouta to lifting your chin up so you are eye level with them

• "y/n? If your not ok you can tell us you know that right?" Mic would say looking into your eyes

• and avoiding his own eyes you would simply nod before shouta suddenly grabs your sleeve and pulls it up, showing new scars covering your arms

• with eyes widened on all 3 of you, they would almost immediately smother you in a harsh hug and I have a feeling hizashi would probably cry aswell as you, leaving shouta to try comfort you both

• finally pulling away from you, and quickly burying mics head into the crook of his neck, shouta would looks at you deeply and try to give you a reassuring smile with an "it's going to be ok, it's better that we know now and can help you"

• with sudden urges of wanting to hurt again you place your arms behind your back and scratch at your newer scars, causing them to bleed

• and taking note of what you are doing shouta would use his binding cloth to take your arms and skillfully wrap around them like a bandage

• and face dropping to the floor once again you would let out a small sigh "I'm, I'm so sorry for disappointing you guys..its just so hard and sometimes I dont want to be here or even exist anymore.."

• so then mic would unwrap his arms from shoutas waist and move so hes hugging you again whispering anything he can think of to you like "no no you dont get it, you could never disappoint us y/n"

• eventually, with mic once again in shoutas arms but facing you this time, they convince you to let them help

• and with them both being teachers they know exactly how to make sure your ok and constantly check up on you

Let's add a villain into the mix shall we

Dabi:

• this mf will tease you endlessly about anything- apart from this

• and having scars himself he would literally know how they feel so it would probably hit close to home for him

• laying in bed with you, only him being awake, he would lay onto your chest and let his eyes wander over your body, just taking in how lucky he is

• which is when he would see your arms

• and silently he would curse at him self for not knowing sooner but would know what to do

• so with out walking you up he would get up and find some soothing oils to help heal your scars and soothe the pain, then woukd wrap your arms gently in bandages before laying back down and laying protectively next to you

• when you wake up however you go about taking of your bandages, but as you go to get out of bed he grasps around your waist and pulls you back pushing your head softly against his chest whispering "no doll-face, you are not leaving my side today, and even though I tease you alot you know I love you right?"

• knowing that he knows, you let yourself back to sleep after mumbling an apology

Oooh im at my last one already😭well here

Tamaki amajiki:

• poor baby would just cry infront of you out of confusion and sadness

• would maybe find out when he goes to hug you from behind and feels you wince as he touches your arms accidentally

• he would apologise like 10 times over how bad he feels that he hurt you and would pull up your sleeve to try and see if he really hurt you

• and would look at you in shock and you start crying, knowing what he is going to see

• moving round to being infront of you, he pulls up your sleeves and looks in shock, and immediately crys

• pulling you into a hug and burying his face into your soft hair he would whisper sweet things to you in an attempt to calm your unstable breathes like "hey im here, I can help dont worry I'll help" and will just keep going until he can feel your heartbeat slow down

•then he will wrap his arms around your waist firmly and in a more serious tone and his intense glare would say "okay baby I know this is hard for you, but even if you dont want me to I'm going to help you through this" before letting himself collapse into you in another hug

Ok so I hope yall are all ok after reading that, if not here🍫🍬🤜💕have some food and love and calm yo self down, it's ok. Have a nice dayyyyy