#im doing things i like but theres no joy or happiness really with it
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crowned-peony · 5 months ago
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I am at the point in my life where I have no clue what I want.
It's not that I am not interested in living my life or feel stuck but more in the "I'm not sure what direction to walk in"
I'm standing in a spot and have option of going any direction but no pull to any of them. I rather just sit down.
I think it's that I never thought I get here. I had no plan after 27. I thought that the most I would make it was my golden birthday and call it there. But know I am close to 3 years past and so many of what I dreamed of isn't a possibility.
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good-beans · 8 months ago
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fobnsfwdoodlesbackup · 3 months ago
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happy bday i can’t draw but i will try to doodle h a cow trick <3
Yippeeee!!! Thank you!!! As long as there's love in it I will be able to tell 💕💕💕💕💕
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spacedlexi · 2 years ago
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hi just wanted to send an anon saying i go so buckwild over your twdg content you're like the cool kid at camp who holds a bunch of tadpoles (vi and clem content) in their hands and shows the tadpoles to everyone but still knows the tadpoles so intimately. love it so much keep up the epic work please else i die of clemvi withdrawal
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sdfjsgdsh aww thats so cute anon
they are my Indulgence i think about how one day i'll be old drawing old clemvi mark my words
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opens-up-4-nobody · 2 years ago
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#i was supposed to spend the last 2 days prepping and relaxing for the start of this big project tomorrow#but ive spent thr last 2 days frantically coding as fast as i could and focusing v hard to get a lot of bullshit done#and ive fixed things since yesterday. the changes i had to make were too too bad bc the thing that went wrong was so fucking weird#but it should be okay by tomorrow. knock on wood. but this does mean ive done fuck all to prep for tomorrow#so we r winging it bby. ugh. just gotta fucking pray that everything goes ok. pls let nothing b broken and let everything seal properly 🙏#i was also supposed to meet with my boss today. probably for her to make sure i dont fuck up this project but apparently their safety hood#was having an emergency... whatever that means. so im sure shes having a week as well. and im free to fuck everything up for everyone#ugh. im so. theres a certain point in burning out where youre not really in pain anymore. you dont really feel anything all your joy and#hope dissolves away and u just exist to be useful. and i feel like its easier to maintain that than trying to b happy#i do not advise that bc its a fucking miserable. wasteful way to live but i dont really have time to try for anything better#god. i really hope my measurements friday dont take a full 8hrs. i dont know if i can handle that. literally i would have stay intensely#focused with my brain being Interrupted every 5min so i can manually record data points. its gonna b agony#so that fun. but maybe it wont. maybe itll be great and fun and ill have a wonderful time. seems unlikely but ya never kno#lets not think abt the fact that having to rush all this is preventing me from being able to do all thr other bullshit i need to get done#to prepare for the future. future? what future? hard to imagine from the bottom of this pit im digging myself#sigh. in a few months i can leave this place and never come back. soon but not soon enough#lol i was literally crying listening to cold play earlier bc idk thats the type of music my parents would put on at parties in summertime#so it evokes a v specific mood. which is i guess me hiding away from ppl at parties haha#back when i didnt have to worry abt things so much and i could just listen to the frogs chirping and watch the fireflies#oh god. now my boss is asking if i reached out for help tomorrow. no. lady i would rather drink bleach than have to direct an undergrad#tomorrow. its 10pm im fucking tired. just let me be sad. did i reach our for help? no my brain is on fire#tomorrow is gonna b a long day ugh#unrelated
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smoothoperador · 2 years ago
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#sorry i need to vent ignore this#my new years resolution for 2023 was to work out consistently and get fit#bc i was really embarrassed at how physically weak i was last summer#and for the most part i did but with prepa and stuff i couldnt exercise as much as i wanted#but i still lost a bit of weight and was somewhat happy with the results for a while but#now i hate it again i hate it so much#ive been dancing a LOT (like 4h/week min. which is a lot for a fulltime uni student) bc it's convenient and good cardio and most of all FUN#and yeah the weight i lost is due to that and my cardio is good and im definitely much more fit than last year but#i still hate the way i look. so viscerally. and i know its my brain telling me nonsense bc it's not like a body can 'look bad'#and i'm lit a healthy weight im just a little thicker than french standards?#but i need to exercise more i want to lose all this fat i pinch my skin and wish it would melt beneath my fingers#but i dont have time or money for the gym and no buddy to go with and im intimidated so i just work out from home but#it's not enough i feel so discouraged. body dysmorphia in the summer really doesnt help my seasonal depression#like i truly believed this year would be my 'summer body' or whatever shit that means and its not and idk what to do i just want to be#in another persons skin. have another persons body. anyone truly#to the point that dancing isnt even fun for me anymore it's just competitive w myself i want to maximize the calories i burn and#i sometimes record myself cause i want to see the steps i miss and i did and i saw my body and it killed all my joy.#made me wanna die and cry. i stopped dancing immediately and i just swallowed back the tears cause theres no way i look like that.#so repulsive and nowhere near where i wanted. and again i know it's in my head there's no such thing as a 'repulsive' body due to weight!?!#but i cant apply that reasoning to myself. and i hate myself so much rn#im being called for dinner rn but i'd honestly rather not eat. i think i'd feel horribly gross if i ate anything right now#i told my friends i'd stop using hunger as a form of self-punishment but it almost feels satisfying in a twisted way... like i deserve it#clara tais toi#like ia m SO obsessed with my appearance in a way that is borderline unhealthy i am SO#preoccupied by how im perceived (physically) if i look hot if i look pretty if i look cute at any and all times and#the answer is never ever satisfactory because other ppls judgement of me cannot fix my own but like#it's so exhausting. i'm so exhausted#dl later
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the plot has been thickening too much lately. yeah it's too thick now. we should add some water maybe. thinnen that thick ass plot.
#one of her friends who she talked to after i asked her to prom#sits next to my two best friends in physics#and today he was like 'haha so yall found out who ruby likes then'#and they got to talking abt it and they told him how were just going as friends and he was apparently shocked bc of how she reacted#after i asked like what she said to him after#he thinks shes into me and i have no idea what to think bc the reasons we arent going as dates have nothing to do with me#but idk if theres a secret third thing 'im also not into u like that'#he seems to be convinced otherwise#im back at square one! i have no idea how she feels! except at least she liked me enough in general to be absolutely thrilled to go to prom#with me. god bless#im still overwraught with joy at that either way mind you. especially with all that our mutual friend says about what she said to him#but you see how the plot is too thick#i feel like its wrong of me to still be worried abt her feelings abt me when she clearly said with valid reasoning that she doesnt wanna#date or be dates to prom and just go as friends#but i cant help wondering bc if she wants to be with me but feels she cant for whatever reason i dont want her to feel that way#but i feel like this sounds like i dont respect her decision! i do!! and it seems ungrateful!!!! god the fact that she knows i love her-#and i told her i really like her but she must be able to tell i love her-#she knows i love her and she still cares about me. enough to be thrilled and happy about going to prom with me! and if its that she just#doesnt have romantic feelings for me thats OKAY i am blessed enough that shes in my life. that she WANTS TO BE IN MY LIFE.#and if its that she does but she doesnt want to act on them for reasons beyond me thats also OKAY i would wait a thousand years for her if#its what would make her comfortable and happy#just knowing she knows i love her and she still likes me is enough no matter what else but#its the not knowing thats killing me#its killing me. but i am so full of joy this whole day i have been full with it#my friends are proud of me i feel brave and fulfilled#i pass faces of people who know us both in the halls and i know they all know i love her#and i havent seen her since i asked nor spoken since she clarified over snapchat#tomorrow i will though. and i have no idea how things will be.#i feel like im going crazy but by god its wonderful
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ybbag777 · 1 year ago
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I could ponder for hours what my favorite Stryker of painting to 'look' at is, but my favorite style of painting to 'paint' is impressionist by w mile. There's something about the impression of it that's just so fun to try to create by looking at a scene.
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sanchoyo · 2 years ago
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ik i said i wanted to do at least 2-3 personal solo zines this year aside from the one i already put out but im having such a hard time deciding on a topic?? 'random art zine' or 'sketchbook zine' feel too random kadhfkj. and the only thing ive been MEGA into lately have been my own ocs but making a zine with them would feel weird..also very niche lmao
#also i really dont like the idea of putting my silly oc stuff behind paywalls if im being real ajsdkf theyre goobers free to the world#if i didnt need money i wouldnt even consider any of the zines being paid zines#id just make em all free forever bc i rly do just enjoy sharing stuff like that#but alas...the horrors (being poor + severely mentally ill so i need money sometimes for things) agh...#everytime i sell stuff or make some money with comms something happens like i need to buy pet stuff (food or litter or my dogs expensive#flea pills but they NEED those bc ticks and fleas here in the summer are actually SO bad he needs the vet grade tablets to handle them)#so basically my debt isnt necessary getting too much worse which is good! but its also not..improving bc i keep havin to buy necessities#im not buying anything crazy or nyhting just absolute must haves yk..and yet#oh well at least ppl buying the clothes means ill free up a lort of space if nothing else like even if theres no actual..profit HSDKF#theres two boxes worth of clothes haha...it makes me happy to think ppl will wear them tho since im not anymore#ive been very unhappy w my own clothes augh :( i want to be happy wearing things but idk. idk. nothing i have is sparking enough joy lately#ive bene living in pjs...going to public places in pjs...#very out of character for me but god lol my brain lately#i got some more books at the libraby today when i was picking my nephew up tho :) so that made me happy#theyre all art related !! so mostly pictures + artists talking abt their techniques#all landscape related bc i wanna do more complex painted bgs this year and dip my toes into traditional art a lot more. my sister is#actually a great painter so maybe ill ask her for pointers. but then again thats kinda embarrassing so maybe not#sanchoyorambles#BASICALLY YES MORE ZINES ARE MTH I WANT TO DO BUT IDEAS. NOT WORKING RN
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am-i-the-asshole-official · 7 months ago
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AITA For taking down my cousin's pride flag?
So my cousin is the most no-nonsense person Ive ever met. He (M28) is very serious, and takes everything really really seriously, but he's still a joy to be around. He's super smart, and the whole family adores him, he's kind of the golden child in our family, though theres zero resentment from the rest of us.
My whole life, he's been this pillar of the "perfect kid" and although he's nice, since he's moved away, no one has been to his apartment or really seen him outside of family celebrations, dinners, weddings, etc.
Last week, he was in a car accident. (another car T boned him) and he was put in an induced coma in the hospital. He's coming out of it now, expected to make a full recovery, but is still expected to stay at the hospital for a while. My aunt, his mother (F72) asked me and other cousins to go over to his house and collect items he might need. Clothes, books, etc. She took the keys out of his clothes and have them to us, all while my cousin was still out of it.
When we got there, I opened the door to a MASSIVE Gay leather pride flag.
First thing on the wall. When we went into the apartment there was BDSM equipment, gay pride decorations everywhere, and other graphic things that made it clear my cousin is, A, gay, and B, firmly in the kink community. I don't want to get too much into it, but there were certain Polaroid pictures stapled to the bathroom wall that left little doubt.
All of us were needless to say, a little horrified.
To be clear, I am queer, and a MAJORITY of our cousins are as well. None of us had any inclination he is gay, and its clear no one else in the family knows. This was the first time anyone had been in his apartment.
We took a vote, and as the oldest one there I made the decision to hide everything. I took the flag down, I (carefully) put as much of the items that were an indication away in a box and hid them. It was a pretty extensive clean out, but I moved books and other things around on the walls to make it look a little less bare. An hour after that more family showed up at the apartment to help, people like our grandmother, more aunts and uncles and my parents, all of them cleaning or doing dishes or putting food in the fridge to help my cousin's recovery.
A few of the cousins that were there when we first found the stuff have said that I shouldnt have messed with any of it, that the pride flag was on the wall BECAUSE my cousin was happy about his identity. I argued that my cousin hadn't told any of us, isn't out to the family as far as Im aware, and I wanted to protect him in case he wasn't ready.
Further clarification, no one in the family is OUTWARDLY homophobic, but I'm still not out to a majority of my family either, and if i was in my cousin's place, Id want someone to hide my stuff for me.
My cousin still hasn't been released from the hospital, and I haven't found time alone with him to tell him that I moved some stuff in his apartment. When I handed back his keys he looked a little panicked, and I tried to look reassuring.
Im having second thoughts about whether what I did was good, or if I'm projecting my own fear about coming out to family on him. Am I the asshole?
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mk i know that some people wont wanna hear this but
mouthwashing tickle hcs
like 99% of this is daisuke soooo..
also very all over the place, not organized AT ALL cause i was just spewing whatever came to mind. also some swearing
DAISUKE
Lee!
-oh lordy
-yall already know what this is gonna be about
-so i may be slightly obsessed with this man.
-one of my favorite hcs for him is that he has a very slightly pudgy stomach. like he’s fit and athletic and all that, but he just has a lil bit of squishy fluff right down there at his stomach that he cant get rid of no matter how much he tries
-and yall already know where i’m going with this stomach thing. gghrgggrhr he cannot HANDLE it
-he’s so ticklish. like hilariously ticklish. even in scenarios where stuff shouldn’t tickle he’s all giggly.
-such a giggler. all over the place in pitch, from high to low to squeaky to wheezy its literally everything under the sun
-his whole laugh is just so chaotic. snorts, hiccups, squeaks, squawks, guffaws, huffs, all of it. the whole shebang
-he absolutely gets lee moods, and when he does he either ignores them out of denial or kind of just spends time Closer to people.
-he isn’t the type to provoke people into tickling him through being annoying, he already feels like a mess-up and he wouldn’t wanna bother anyone
-so punishment tickles for him just make him feel like he’s done something wrong.
-but praise tickles? when you give him nice fluttery soft tickles for doing a job well done while showering him with compliments? congratulations, you’ve murdered daisuke
-sensitive to everything, too. rough tickles, soft tickles, pokes, flutters, kisses, pinches, everything. he likes lighter stuff though, it makes him feel all fluttery and happy and butterflies in his stomach and aushdurhfh.
-im so torn on whether or not he’d be a shy lee
-cause scenario one, he’s an absolute adorable blushy mess and falling over his own feet even when the Word is mentioned. and when you tickle him his legs are kicking out of pure joy as he hides his face with anything available and just Squeals
-but then scenario two, he’s absolutely fearless, just thinks its fun and playful and is all barky and squirmy when tickled. i think this is closer to canon, where he wouldn’t be as embarrassed by it unless it was accompanied by affection-showering
-i’m so sorry, i have to bring it back around to- his STOMACH this man is so weak to tummy tickles and tummy rubs and- gghrhgr.
-i think his other spots are sides, ribs, armpits, thighs, knees, scalp, and feet but for some reason only when he has socks on
-his knees are awful for no reason. if you do that thing where you make like the spider motion on his knee he jumps across the damn room, and a single charley horse has him on the ground in tears. not actually but you get what im saying
-oh and hips
-i think he’s the type of guy to be really squeeze-sensitive on any bony areas and really feather-sensitive on any squishy areas.
-so ribs, hips, knees, thighs, you’ll get him by squeezing
-but stomach, sides, feet, neck, you’ll get him by soft stuff like fluttering
-SO not immune to pokes and tases. oh tases get this boy so bad
-if you can sneak up behind him and tase him he will jump so hard his head hits the ceiling
-versus if you grab his hips from behind and squeeze them he folds in half like a lawn chair, legs flying up and torso flying down. its kinda the only spot that gets him to do this though, anywhere else and he just crumples to the floor
-i think his ears are sensitive
-and his arms, and his ankles, and his fingers, and his hands, and the tops of his feet, and his calves, and-
-yeah im sorry theres not a single spot he’s not ticklish
-even the bridge of his nose
-his face is ticklish in general. im sorry there is truly nowhere this boy is not sensitive
-absolutely a squirmer and a thrasher if you catch him by surprise or get him really good
-but soft tickles and he’s just flinching and squirming and curling into himself cause he’s flustered by how *good* it feels
-okay i need to shut up Now
Ler!
-so playful and sweet
-absolutely wrecks you, but he’s playful and sweet about it
-another very skilled tickler that doesn’t realize his power(can you tell i have a favorite troupe?)
-definitely enjoys tickle fights
-he’s the type of guy to just randomly bring tickles into a play fight or play wrestle
-also just generally the type of guy to tickle his friends
-i think he’s very switchy
-such a playful little ler
-definitely a tease.
-100000% laughs along with his lee. you never know if he’s laughing at you or with you, though. either way it’s playful and he would never actually make fun of you
-usually more rough with his tickles unless he’s closer to you. tbh, giving someone really tender soft tickles just.. puts him in a lee mood..
-im sorry i have way fewer ler hcs than i do lee hcs
ANYA
Lee!
-i don’t think she’s really all that sensitive tbh
-she can get kinda giggly if you get her hands, back, neck, ears, wrists, etc.. but not many other places
-also not one to laugh very hard. it’s just difficult to get her going
-if you’re really close with her, like really really close, she’ll let loose a little, let herself actually giggle instead of just snicker
-i don’t think she’s necessarily shy, just.. straight up not ticklish
Ler!
-she’s a bit more of a ler than a lee because of her sensitivity
-one thing i love about the mouthwashing fandom is.. they just randomly all collectively decided that anya has long nails
-and i agree with this wholeheartedly.
-she would be a very gentle ler, afraid of making her lee uncomfortable
-even if you’re very close she’d really only go for a minute or so before hesitating
-so sweet and gentle. makes sure you have water and so so good about knowing when to stop
-she’s so worried its almost flustering
-“is this too much? are you sure?” “oh, i’m sorry, was that a bad spot?” “am i doing okay? sorry, i don’t do this often”
-etc etc etc
-overall very sweet about it and doesn’t really tickle people unless she knows they like it. be that through them telling her or her sussing it out on her own
-oh yeah just don’t let her tickle you during or after a heated board game
-all that gentle stuff? out the window. claws all over you, absolutely TEARING you apart
-thats the only time she truly wrecked daisuke- he laughed at her losing and she TACKLED him
-“oh i’ll give you something to laugh about you little piece of-“
-they had to peel her off of him
-he thought about it for the next month and has been very antsy on game nights since
-she uses this to her advantage, btw. if he’s doing too well in a game all she has to do is poke his side and whoops, she’s winning again. whether that’s from his fear of getting wrecked again and letting her win or just his pure distraction from thinking about tickles, we will never know
CURLY
-okay okay listen. muscular people are SCIENTIFICALLY more ticklish.
-its proven. (whats the opposite of debunked)bunked. absolutely known.
-very loud boisterous deep belly laughter
-ribsss.. thighsss..
-i don’t have too many thoughts on him tbh but i do think he’s more of a ler
-big dad energy tbh. i feel like nobody talks about this. but pre-crash he’s very dad-like
JIMMY
-ok ok i know fuck jimmy we all hate jimmy
-but im gonna give it to the man and at least hc a tiny bit for him even though he’s an ass
-ribs. thats really my only thing
-ribs and other bony areas
-lers more than he lees, but then again kinda never does either. people are too grossed out by him and hes too grossed out by people
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dunmeshistash · 7 months ago
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in regards to skin tone variation in DM, i do think a lot of it is colorism/racism too. theres a few characters of color, but not many (just like how theres some fatter characters, but none of them are main characters (even senshi & other dwarves arent really depicted as fat)).
ryoko kui has surface representation for these people, but it lacks much substance, and the brown characters she does draw arent given brown facial features, and are almost always colored with very ashy skin. a lot of them just look like a recolored white person (especially cithis, kaka, & kiki). her random portraits of characters who dont actually appear in the series otherwise tend to be much better about this, but the actual characters that show up and play a part all seem to suffer from this issue.
im not saying kui is like, super-duper racist and we all need to stop reading DM etc etc, but i think its important to recognize and point out everyday/usually-overlooked colorism & racism when we see it, and i know im not the first or only person to point this out about her character designs. if she can draw fat people and actual brown people as part of the portraits, why cant she or wont she do the same for any of the featured characters in the series?
(i know the orcs are fat, but its not a good thing the only consistently fat people are the ones who are a fantasy race based off of violent racial stereotypes, who are also pig people, while none of the main cast of "real" humans are fat except *maybe* the dwarves, who still have small waists and flat stomachs, and the lord of the island, who is depicted as corrupt & decadent)
Well yeah.
I'm just a lore blog so I don't like to get too into real life issues or make assumptions about how the author feels about these subjects. What I talked about on the skin tone post was assumptions as to why she thought it would be important to show skin tone variations on certain races as a character design choice. (In the sense that her character design is very purposeful)
I realize some people over praise Kui's designs when most of it is pretty safe for what it is, but even if it's just a step closer to better representation it's something that's rare to see in anime. So I understand why some people get so excited about it.
It is important to realize this isn't the ideal either (Dark skinned characters with the same features as the others, mostly well build characters on the thinner side) but I personally don't like to criticize these type of stories on what it "could/should have been".
As someone who is fat and not white, I'm happy we get some diversity in dungeon meshi. I hope this opens up the possibility of better character design in the future even if what we got now wasn't perfect.
It shouldn't be the case that this piece of art filled me with so much joy I teared up cause I had never seen someone with a similar body to mine drawn with so much respect and objectivity. But unfortunately that's the world we live in and I don't think it's wrong to be happy for what we get for now while acknowledging it's not perfect and that it should be better.
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I'm also super happy the anime chose to make the dark characters even darker.
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pcheyes · 9 months ago
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okay im not good at all at making reqs and stuff but do u think u could do like a sunghoon highschool au thing where the reader n him are bestfriends but hes slowly realizing that hes catching feelings for her and like hes noticing that little things she does for him or just in general are starting to give him butterflies and stuff? just like cute ass stuff (ofc reader likes him back) i hope this makes sense 😭💗
snow angel
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pairing: sunghoon x fem!reader
synopsis: your longtime best friend park sunghoon simply cant ignore his feelings for you anymore, especially on a special day like this.
warnings: none really? skinship, fluff, barely proofread
word count: 420
song suggestions: heart attack-chuu, must be love-laufey
back to the archives !
this wasn’t supposed to happen.
sunghoon swore on his holographic charizard that this wouldn’t happen to him, but you were too captivating.
at first, it was small things, you tugging on sunghoons sleeve to direct him in the right direction, you tutoring him and getting a little too close to him.
but everything changed that one afternoon.
it was a chilly afternoon, with pinkish hues gracing your cheeks and nose. you had a scarf (sunghoons) wrapped around your neck as you guys walk together, occasionally spotting a stray cat or dog and stopping to pet it.
but today, today happened to be the first snowfall. the first snowfall is usually very symbolic. theres a supersition that the first snowfall you witness with the person you like, true love will blossom between both and it will be long-lasting. sunghoon usually takes these first snowfall walks with a photo of his celebrity crush, his family, or he avoids it all together. but this snowfall just had to happen when he was walking home with you.
you guys eventually ended up chatting about teachers and homework, when suddenly, snowflakes started to grace your face. you spealed and tugged sunghoon the nearest park to play around.
i think thats what he liked most about you.
you always did whatever you wanted, as long as it brought you joy, but when you started hanging out with sunghoon you did stuff that made him happy too. you made him feel like it was you and him against the world. 
once you finished playing in the snow and taking photos you grabbed your bag but paused.
you reached to get a snowflake out of sunghoons hair.
and thats when it happened
“you’re so beautiful” 
you stare at him as you slowly retract your hand.
“you, you think i’m beautiful?”
“i think you’re the most beautiful girl i’ve ever met. everything about you is beautiful, from your hair,” he says as he takes a bit of your hair in his hand “to your pretty outfits” he then fiddles with the hem of your shirt. “everything about you is beautiful and every day i wish you would be mine” you inch closer to sunghoon and put an arm around his waist.
 “i’ve waited for forever for you to say that” you pull him by his collar and feel the soft sensation of your lips connecting in a loving moment. you break apart and put your forehead against his while giggling. “i love you sunghoon” 
“i love you too, more than you’ll ever know”
general taglist: @unikivrse msg or comment to be added
authors note: hope u liked this anon !! i originally wrote this when it was still really chilly outside so this has a winter theme. (also sunghoons coquette pictures are so cute😽)
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k9punkout · 1 month ago
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If youre still doing the ask game Ivan and Sua!
I LOVE THESE TWO
Ivan:
1. Why I like them
i love ivan because he's unsolvable. there is literally no way for anyone to truly grasp how he thinks and feels. even the writers have admitted to not truly knowing what goes on in his head, and i find that so insane. to create a character so complex that it alludes the CREATOR HERSELF??? genius. i love it so much. there will never be enough thought put into his character because no one will ever reach a conclusion that will concisely and accurately describe Ivan. not even Ivan himself.
I also love the way he displays how people can develop when they really just have No One. throughout his entire life, ivan has always been alone. never an available support system, never a parental figure, never a place for him to vent his emotions. this lead to an absurd personality, and an insatiable desire for attention. when ivan loves someone, he craves their attention so desperately that he doesn't care whether it's gentle or violent. it's just so. GHHRHRHEHH
2 . Why I don't
probably for the same reason that i DO like him. because there's no true way to understand him, i always feel like im mischaracterizing him in some way whenever i talk about him or make content about him.
i also think it's very tragic how despite all the complex layers he has, ivan remains static in terms of development. he starts off with the same ideas and behaviors that he dies with, and he dies in a colorful burst of his own bottled up emotions, aggression and softness intermingling; mourning, rage, sadness, wanting, and joy all becoming one singular drive to do the things he did.
3. Favorite lyric
"you can break me apart"
4. Favorite frame/screenshot
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the tears in his eyes, the drool on his lips, the sweat, the way he's hugging himself looking dazed. he's lost all of his composure. he's in shambles.
honorable mention to this one:
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fake ass idgafer i SAW you yearning
5. Favorite outfit
probably his black sorrow one, simply because i really like the sparkly gloves
6. Favorite official art
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his skin being a feverish and saturated hue to emphasize his mess of emotions, the way it looks like he's trying to hold himself together but the cracks just keep spreading... YEAH. I LOVE THESE PHOTOCARD ARTS BTW
7. Favorite canon fact
he views sua as a little sister ☹️
he's so desperate for a connection it hurts
8. Favorite straight-up-not-canon headcanon
ivan's favorite class is music interpretation and theory because he wants to better understand the music till makes.
9. Favorite song/cover
it used to be cure but black sorrow has been growing on me as of late. that PIANO.
10. Song I want them to cover
ivan and sua blink gone cover would go INSANE. if not that, ruler of my heart and ivan would sound so good.
Sua:
1. Why I like them
i like how distrustful she is. how she completely contradicts everything everyone believes about her--but solely when she's with mizi. to everyone else who isn't more observant towards her, she's just an ornament. a doll. closed off and pretty, meant to be looked at but never to love, never to be loved. and then mizi completely shatters that side of her, reaches in and grasps the emotional, fun-loving side of her, and suddenly she's bursting with life, as human and happy as it gets.
i also like how sensitive she is, despite trying her best to hide it. she cries easily. she gets mad easily. she gets insecure easily. she feels, she feels so much, and it's barely hidden beneath her disinterested persona.
2. Why I don't
theres nothing that i can think of that i don't like about sua. from her impact on the story to her personality to her design, it's all so cool. so for this part im just gonna name a fault in her morality that i love.
she hid from the truth by ensuring mizi never found out about it. she couldn't see a way out, so she found a way to ignore everything at the expense of mizi's happiness. she went into alnst knowing full well what it would do to her lover, even after ivan called her out for it, and died the happiest she could have been.
3. Favorite lyric
"you hug me tight as if nothing happened"
4. Favorite frame/screenshot
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the way Nigeh had complete control of her before she met mizi. SUA MY GIRLLLLL
5. Favorite outfit
probably her doll-like dress she wore as a kid. no regard for her comfort or convenience, only the aesthetics matter. (reminds me of till's metal shoes in round 6)
6. Favorite official art
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the dullness in her eyes i actually cant
honorable mention to this one:
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angel baby ☹️☹️☹️
7. Favorite canon fact
she used a flower that mizi gave her as a bookmark and she was so fond of it and and and
8. Favorite straight-up-not-canon headcanon
she doesn't ACTUALLY hate till and ivan, she simply doesn't want to get closer to them because she knows they'd remind her of how bad the real world is. she'll see it in ivans false smile and cynical observations, in the purple bruises and green patches on tills body. she wants nothing to do with it.
9. Favorite song/cover
MIZISUA CURE LITERALLY GIVES ME CHILLS. KILLS ME SO BAD EVERY TIME I LISTEN TO IT. the love in sua's voice is just so. oh my god.
10. Song I want them to cover
the aforementioned ivan and sua blink gone cover will be real guys TRUST 🗣️🗣️
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walnutcookie · 1 month ago
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good day fellow rodger fan, i rlly love your art it gives me whimsy and joy. do you have any headcanons ab him and glisten, perhaps toodles as well? (family dynamics my beloved actually) if not either way i think your stuff is still so rad.
AHHH THANK YOU SO MUCH !!!! <333 WEEPS TEARS OF JOY.... i do have some headcanons hehehe... in no particular order/organization heres some of my thoughts on them:
- Rodger is a sleepwalker. Very Embarrassed by it.
- Toodles really enjoys drawing !!! She likes to draw with the other toons a lot (especially glisten, but he usually just watches her and then treats her art like the mona lisa so she feels good about herself)
- rodgers reaction to any sort of physical affection is really funny because he doesnt know how to react. He wants to keep his awesome and mysterious persona but also he doesnt want to be rude or anything. does he reciprocate? does he try to get away before it happens??? does he say something or does he keep quiet? Usually it just results in him freezing up and going stiff
- also adding onto above he tends to be paranoid about peoples intentions. bro gets a hug from goob and freezes and hes thinking "is this an attempt to console me does he think im mentally unwell or is he trying to find my weaknesses so he can kill me"
- in general rodger can be a very paranoid person and starts panicking at the slightest threat but hes pretty good at stopping to think and clearing his head. Logically he knows goob wouldnt kill him and doesnt know his secrets but it is a thought that pops up in his head for a brief moment
- toodles is always very quick to jump in and try to help whenever someone is upset. She wants to help people as best she can so ofc she would but the problem is that shes never sure what to say to cheer people up :'] she tries parroting some of the things rodger has told her when she was sad but also from her experience it never works so she tries to distract people instead most of the time. it makes her feel really guilty whenever she doenst try to help or if she fails to make them feel any better
- Toodles is very close with teagan!! teagan is like her fun uncle :] they take care of toodles sometimes if rodger is busy (or cough missing). Tea parties galore!!!!
- glisten is romo-repulsed i know this in my heart ok. [i know ive drawn him doing romantic things i cant explain the nuances to this in a cohesive way im just projecting ontohim as a romo repulsed person in a relationship]
- Glisten is definitely introverted but not in the "ohh hes shy and hates people" way hes just drained when he talks to people even if he likes talking to people. He needs to take breaks from socializing a lot to recharge his social battery especially since hes always so worried about what people think of him but he also dies if hes alone too long
- toodles is actually VERY fascinated with bugs if theres an ant or a beetle or a roach or something in the facility shes gonna beg to keep it and make a house for it so she can "give it a better life" (glisten will not scream or freak out but there WILL be visible discomfort on his face and he will avoid that bug like the plague)
- rodger smokes cigarettes . He knows which employee(s) carry them around and will snatch one from their pocket at the right moment when nobody is looking... he tries covering his tracks and flushing everything down the toilet and covering up the smell but ofc he gets found out when theres a clog LOL.
- There was also suspicion when toodles started pretend-smoking and saying she was doing the thing that rodger did but most everyone else just assumed it was toodles being a silly little kid
okie dokieee thats all ill do for now !!! Thank you so much for this ask GAUH im so happy people are interested in my hcs for them n stuff 🥹
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banesberry-anomoly · 7 days ago
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Meri Clefmas and Happy Holidays <3
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Bit of a ramble below
Well it certainly has been a year, huh? Never in my wildest fuckin dreams would I have imagined I get here. But a little over a year of drawing whatever the hell I want, joining wayy too many scp discord servers, and surviving through several fandom dramas later, here I am
There were several points in the year where we broke down and thought we wouldn't still be here, but the comnections and friends Ive made here and quite literally been the thing keeping us going. We've found 2 wonderful qpps, and have survived our hellish ex with our partner, and without them honestly I dunno where'd Id be today. They keep me grounded emotionally, while creatively my heads in the sky. Hugging all three of you tight and sobbing
And as for the rest of yall, my friends, my mutuals, my oomfies, the people I occasionally see in my notes- just know everytime I talk to you, or recognize a name on my dash or in the tags, or see yalls art, it makes me incredibly happy. I know this fandom can be weird or toxic or ridden through with drama, but honestly this little corner I managed to carve out for myself is pretty nice. Its peaceful. If theres anymore big names that take a downfall then those that found refuge in their art and are frazzled are more than welcome here. Come, sit down on a pillow, we have hot cocoa and tea
And while I do plan on branching out more and posting for other fandoms, like TMA, just know Im not leaving this one anytime soon. It has quite literally changed my brain chemistry and we haven't been in a community quite like this one before, where the lines between author and fan blur pretty heavily. Its by the fans for the fans, and I think that's awesome. Im somehow friends with several big names in the community, and while I dont really consider myself one (at least yet), I hope that I can bring as much joy to as much people as they have been in the upcoming time Ill be here
So yeah, thank yall for everything and all the support and just finding joy in the things I do, it makes me estactic to know that just popping up on someones dash or drawing another persons oc or designs can make their day
Heres to a happy new year, one thats hopefully better than the last. Wishing yall a very good rest of the year, however you may be spending it
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