#im disabled and i have never ever been able to work out for that long before even when im busting my ass off trying

[learn-and-accept]

I will truly never understand how I managed to find such a truly incredible partner let alone on the first try

[waterloggedsoliloquy]

mutual 1: sorry the update for my webcomic this week is a bit late! i really had to rush it so it prolly looks really sloppy lol [some of the most sophisticated comic art ive ever seen]

mutual 2: call me uterine lining the way astarions cervix got me bleeding profusely

mutual 3: do you think nanowrimo will give me a posthumous pity publishing deal if i mention it in my suicide note

mutual 4: okay fine i finally started revolutionary girl utena

mutual 5: does columbo know the service he did for butch lesbians. for all of us

mutual 6: wish you were here [blurry picture set of conifer woods in early autumn evening, taken as if frantically running down a winding trail]

mutual 4: im pretty hardy i dont need the trigger list but thanks for looking out for me guys

mutual 7: good morning lovelies another day the wizard tried to best me and another day i successfully locked him in the spare bathroom lol hope u like drinking shampoo fucker

mutual 8: here is a zip of every yuri manga scan i have and here is a backup in case i get dcma'd. the himejoshi lifestyle will never die

mutual 9: i wish i could go back in time to the shinzo abe assassination and ask to hold the doohickey

mutual 10: here's my essay on how wanting to be loved is the same as wanting to be eaten. three paragraphs in you'll find out that this is 100% tied to an obscure beauty and the beast manga i've been reading lately and how much i want to fuck the beast

mutual 4: oh thats why there was the trigger list.

mutual 11: YOU CAN'T LOCK ME IN THIS BATHROOM FOREVER

mutual 12: why do i have to defend my thesis to people i dont even respect. im not dickriding you just give me the degree

mutual 13: its just me and this scab ive picked into my scalp against the world

mutual 14: my little dragon got glazed and is ready to go into the kiln! everyone wish him good luck!

mutual 3: nvm i am a beautiful genius. perhaps the most beautiful genius of all

mutual 15: i think we should give david lynch rpgmaker and whatever happens happens

mutual 16: kpeyboaatrds brpokem gpuys

mutual 17: also heres my work in progress glossary of mixtec words! i still have a long way to go but i love being able to preserve my roots even in this small way

mutual 4: i just finished the black rose arc. question: what

mutual 18: i need emet-selch to be my wife

mutual 19: i need glados to be my husband

mutual 20: visited the ocean today!!! <3 beach pics!!! there is a darkness growing within me

mutual 21: the forms for my legal name change came in. pls vote in this poll of what my middle name should be: Dill Pickle (Dickle for short), Optimus Prime, Tumblr User Gorgonicteratologist, Smeve

mutual 22: just finished my 100th book of the year! this weeks read was the uses of enchantment by the psychologist bruno bettelheim,

mutual 23: reeses penis butter cups lol

mutual 4: i need to hunt akio for sport

mutual 24: oouugghhrgh. hot. dog.

mutual 25: your favorite character or fictional other would want you to brush your teeth and wash your face so you're well rested and wake up feeling refreshed! make them proud!

mutual 26: being a delivery driver isnt the worst job ive ever had but i do keep wondering what itd be like to drive off into the wild blue yonder one day and not come back

mutual 27: weird dog? [phone picture of critically endangered stork]

mutual 28: i think the two phone line polls in front of my house are having a lovers tryst. no way to prove it tho

mutual 4: WHAT

mutual 29: while you bitches are balduring your gates or finalling those fantasies im doing what a REAL gamer does. playing a b tier rpg that came out in 2004 for the 18th time

mutual 30: ^ real. hamtaro ham ham heartbreak is a masterpiece of interactive art. im not even going to call it a video game at this point

mutual 4: THAT'S HOW IT ENDS?! ANTHY?

mutual 31: can you help me pick which drawing looks better: 34% overlay or 36% soft light?

mutual 32: new video essay out. its called disability in video game narratives: final fantasy 14's most reliable fault. i churned the script out over an all-nighter and my mic crapped out halfway through but by god i did it

mutual 33: my new zine bundle is out! if you buy it you also get a discount on all my game jam games! i really cant wait for you to play them!

mutual 4: yall should watch revolutionary girl utena

[compassionatereminders]

hi this is just a vent because i cant stop feeling bad about certain things its pretty disjointed. feel free to ignore. thank you for the space for this and the patience and kindness you consistently show. it feels isolating in disabled communities sometimes as someone who was medically neglected and falls into the margins of certain diagnoses and is still undiagnosed for autism and never received any official help, it was all off the books type stuff or i simply suffered/failed in silence. i feel like im not "anything" enough to be real or deserve help or community. that my existence is disrespectful or appropriative of the people who have more "real" experiences that should be listened to and lifted up more than me. that i got the "disability lite" experience somehow and would be misleading others if i claimed to be similar to them. "who needs more of some probably low support needs person ranting about their hurt little feelings, dont we have enough?" < evil thing my brain likes to tell me. i dont actually know what my support needs are its all very confusing and apparently only something a doctor can tell you. but i see people say that LSN level 1 autistics are always speaking over people and taking up too much space, and i get paranoid, am i doing that?! is that me? of course feeling this way just makes me more guilty. nobody has it easy, and you cant compare experiences. i know this. but i still feel like im not allowed. im taking something away from people who need it more. its not rational but im consumed by it at times. i had the difficulties of others used to guilt me into doing things as a child and to explain why i should be able to do something. have been dismissed by caregivers and doctors when i finally got brave enough and learned the right language to bring something up. so i just gave up. if i really needed it that badly, if it really was that disabling, someone would have noticed right? people like that dont just fall through the cracks do they? it's prevented me from seeking out local resources like day programs because they have waitlists, though they dont require diagnosis. all i can think is that im some ungrateful low support person whose taking something from someone who needs it more. and thats a horrible thought to have about myself or anyone and not a real thing that even happens. even a word to describe my experience feels like its asking for too much. i haven't even sought out SSI. even though ive never finished school or went to college, had a job, cant drive cant work, and only get by because i have very nice people in my life supporting me financially. i know how long it takes (im usa) to get on SSI. and how likely it is to get denied even with all the qualifiers above. how invasive and invalidating it is. dont know if i can take that process. but i also need more independence and help than im getting right now, because my issues are worsening as i age and i just cant do things or really live life. but it all feels like its not enough, even though i know theres nothing that WOULD ever be enough. thanks for listening.

This is internalized ableism in action. 1. All kinds of people fall through the cracks of the system. All kinds of people, with all kinds of disabilities, of all kinds of severities. 2. The idea that only the most impaired people deserve support and accommodations is far more harmful to ALL disabled people than the alternative. Disability is not a competition, and turning it into one hurts everyone. 2. Having low support needs doesn't equal having no support needs. And you clearly do have support needs that you deserve to have accommodated.

[mireilol]

Are You Happy Now?

Hey guys it's mirei again

With a new blog post Alot faster than ever before

I've been thinking about Alot of things

And going through Alot of things as usual

But there's one question that seems to go through my mind when

My abusers in real life and online are persistently giving me all the reasons to leave this earth

The question is

Are You Happy Now?

Are you finally happy now that I'm back posting like this again after keeping my pain and suffering offline for a long time?

Let me reassure you that I will always suffer

This isn't a guess

That isn't low self esteem

It is a proven fact by my doctors that I am a sufferer

Both mentally and physically

I won't pour in every single detail on why my body isn't able to do certain things or my mind can't function the way you want it to function or expect it to function because we will be here all freaking day

But all I do is corporate stay at home work

Customer service

Online create

And blah blah blah

You know the rest

If you thought I'm suddenly healed or is incredibly healthy or some crap like that

IM NOT

so that should make you feel great about yourself

Also I want to throw in that I am thinking about QUITTING my corporate position

Solely because it is keeping me away from the two things I love the most which is ANIMATING and WRITING

The corporate work pays alot of freaking money and houses Alot of great benefits

But I'd rather work a job that's FUN and not for the dollar

So you should celebrate on that

Another freaking thing you should be happy to know about me is that I never once step foot into a high school at all in my teenage years

Yeah,no education

No future and no hope

Are you happy now?

Why I Haven't Left Yet

Well,I'm sure you abusers out there want to know about if I have all of these physical and mental disabilities

Why even consider being alive

I will let you know right now

I also want to know this answer ...

I don't even know the freaking answer to why I am still standing and breathing

Because it sounds pretty simple to end it all

I think the reason I've been staying is because there's people in my life who look forward to me

I think maybe it's because I enjoy having pizza

Maybe it's because iced coffee is my biggest obsession while writing this right now

I just added a cute as heck jack skellington plushy to my Christmas tree in my room

Not gonna lie he's more terrifying to me than cute but that's only when the lights are turned off 🫣

I mean ... Breathing isn't fun to me but it's what I have to do if I ever want to do these little things like cook for my family

Care for my pet brock-lee ( that's his name )

Buy another plushy

Play my ps5

Talk to my sister

Go for a walk etc etc etc

I'm not one hundred percent certain on a main reason why I've been staying

There's just thoughts,desires and needs that have been keeping me

And I've been told to remind myself of those little things whenever I can ... I think that's how my doctor prevents people from ending themselves and if you're ever feeling like it's the end for you

Think about that thing or someone that made you feel alive???

[c0rpseductor]

have to explode about this somewhere or i simply will not make it

i am so fucking mad at my mom. i realize in isolation everything happening recently is totally innocuous and normal, it's just like. in context that it hurts.

i hate that she's sick with Probably Covid and asking me for a bunch of extra favors. i had to wash her a cup for water because she didn't feel good the other day, yesterday i had to do her laundry, today i had to cook for her. if this were like, between anybody else it would be fine. it's just like. agh

i feel so angry that she wants me to take care of her and i've ALWAYS taken care of her and i always feel like she just does not give a fuck about my most basic needs beyond "well, lestat's not dead!". it makes me feel ungrateful because i know she does nice stuff for me sometimes too, it's just like, it hurts when i always hide when i'm upset and barely ask her for anything even when i'm in such bad physical pain that i can't function. like most of the time if i'm too unwell to make something to eat i just go without food. i don't like asking her for things and i always feel like there's a limit to how often i can ask for her help, and that i have to be careful to mostly be a kind of pleasant background decoration that never imposes on her.

i always had to be her mom, ever since i was a kid. even when i was little she wasn't consistent and would berate me or get angry with me for just, like, being a kid and wanting or needing stuff. meanwhile i've always been like her little stuffed animal to talk to when she's sad. she always acted like she loves me so much and we're so close but mostly like i'm a possession of hers. i just like. i dont know. im so hung up on when she was drinking and high on coke and she said to me like, "oh id much rather just have a roommates relationship with you instead of being like mother and son." explains much about like, my Entire fucking childhood!

and then she takes credit for how i've turned out as if she raised me, like, i feel like not only did i raise myself but i'm raising her half the time trying to explain basic things about emotional regulation and hereditary mental issues and shit, being the first person she comes to for everything, always having to calm her down or support her when she's venting when i KNOW i can't rely on her in the same way or tell her any of the really challenging issues i have, like just. it's not fair. it's so tiring. materially i am very grateful that she is willing to let me stay with her and that she understands i'm disabled and can't work right now and tries to still help me live a comfortable life (and, cynically, i feel that she's kind of okay with me being in this kind of bad position as long as i don't leave), i know i'm lucky to have food and shelter and things like that.

i just like. man i don't know. i feel like i've been holding this back for days because i just fucking feel like it's so unfair that whenever mom feels bad i'm Favors Boy and i can be expected to do anything for her that she wants, but when i feel bad it's like, locking myself in the bathroom trying to cry quietly enough that she won't notice to clean off blood after cutting, or holing up in my room with a migraine and having to drag myself out of bed to use my Very Little Energy to make myself coffee or get water and then not being able to eat because im too tired to make myself anything substantial and god forbid i ask her, and then after i have my bad episode she's like Hey so i know you have a bad leg and stairs make it worse but i dont like taking out the trash so can that still be your job. it's not like the front steps are even THAT bad it's just like, ok, im so glad you thought about my limp. of course she wouldnt though it's literally her fault my leg is so fucked up and when i went to the hospital for it way back when and it didn't turn out to be a broken bone she was all like haha i told you so! and then laughed at me when i tripped and fell on my crutches coming home. she just does not give a fuck. but ohhhh lestat would you mind feeding me like a baby bird.....your poor old mother is so sick and feeble.....

[gayteddy]

2024 was a really terrible year but a few really good things happened that made it all worth it. and so im glad that ive been able to survive and continue living and i hope 2025 is a little easier to get through but regardless we will all be okay<3

commence nightly teddy journal

the year started out really rough with me being in and out of work and then finally getting fired in early summer. and honestly the second half of the year truly felt three times as long i feel like its been a full year if not more since i got fired. not a couple months.

got denied for disability + reapplied and am now halfway through the process again.... reconnected with my step mom which? was not Terrible. a very loaded thing to be sure but. im okay with our relationship right now. i guess. JKLFDJGKDFJG

i started working with my current therapist this year too and shes been so wonderful. i feel like ive been able to make a lot of meaningful progress on processing stuff and its helpful for me to have a Scheduled Time to sort of ground myself every week. its easy for me to get caught up in my thoughts if i dont have "a reason" to lay everything out.

my younger brother became homeless and temporarily moved in with us this year which. has been very stressful and upsetting. and kind of triggering as well. i wont go full vent in here but ive been homeless before and so it brings up a lot of bad memories. but hes doing okay and working on getting a job + housing.

i didnt Meet alynn this year but we got together at the very end of last year and being able to be with him for this year has been amazing. ive learned a lot about myself through our relationship and have been able to do so many creative things with him and jude its been a dream.

me and jude hit 5 years this year too which is so crazy. i will truly never understand people who complain about their partners or talk about how hard it is to live with them bc living + being with jude has always been the most natural thing in the world to me.

stella turned 2 this year! getting her was the best decision ever she brings me so much happiness and joy every single day. shes my precious baby and i adore her so so so much.

and finally and possibly the biggest thing that happened this year. i started a new pain medication that also works as an antidepressant and finally came out of a depression i didnt even know i was having. for the last like 3 years ive struggled to do anything creatively. i havent written or drawn and ive struggled to interact with my interests at all. and i just kind of assumed i had changed as a person and that was who i Was now.

and so breaking out of that literally changed my entire view on life. im creating art again. im drawing and writing and Talking. im making new friends. im talking to existing friends more. this is truly the best note 2024 could possibly end on. i feel full of hope for next year and for the things ill be able to do.

im scared for this upcoming year but im hopeful too. because i know even if more bad things happen ill still have the good things too.

[nymphfette]

btw- I’ve been doing better with my health 💖 autoimmune issues/thyroid issues and pcos all made extremely worse by stress- ptsd and also the other way around. Just a vicious cycle I was in. Still am in but have made a lot of progress since I was first dealing with absolute daily hell that started about a year or so ago.

Oh and I was also diagnosed with agoraphobia. Ive had PTSD for a few years now but the recent health issues obviously made it worse and so I developed agoraphobia :))))) it got so bad, I would barely leave my house (my safe safe) for longer than an HOUR at time, once a day. Couldn’t be on a car ride for longer than 10 minutes without freaking out, hyperventilating, heart beating out of my chest, sweating my ass off and sometimes puking my guts out. I was terrified to get in a car and if I had to go somewhere that I knew was a long car ride (10 mins or more) id have such a hard time. And there were times were I’d be doing alright on a longer ride, like 30 mins and I’d think I was like 20 mins in and there was only 10 more minutes I had to go and I’d look at google maps and see there was 15 minutes instead of 10 minutes…..I’d genuinely lose it. Over 5 extra minutes. Genuinely freak out. It was hell. It was no way to live.

I still am struggling with it but I’ve been trying really hard to get better. Health wise- I have a lot of it under control. I barely have flare up attacks anymore. My hypothyroidism is in check. My pcos symptoms are still a bit haywire but I’m working on that, the priority was the autoimmune and thyroid and the just constant inflammation all over. Everywhere. My wbc is only about 1000 over normal right now which is Iike nothing compared to what it was and is a huge improvement. Medications and supplements I’m on have been a big help along with the autoimmune protocol diet- it’s a VERY strict diet and I did it for a few months and once it helped get things in check, I was able to slowly introduce a more “normal” diet into my life but still keeping away from gluten and added sugars, too much starch and too much dairy.

So yeah my health health has gotten a lot better and I’ll continue to work on it keep it that way. My mental health is better as well- like, now I can go out for like 3 hours a day without losing my mind and can do like 30 minute car rides before I start to have bad panic attacks and agoraphobia attacks. I know that still sounds bad but compared to what it was…… barely could do 10 mins…. 5 mins being the preferred… it’s a huge improvement. Still have bad PTSD/Agoraphobia attacks here and there and My autistic burnout and sensory issues and then like general anxiety is still very high but again, it has been improved and I’m continuing to work on it.

I’ve been given the okay to go back to work but work from home job like I’ve done before. I can’t work outside my home right now without putting all the exposure therapy and DBT and work and etc etc at risk, I’m not ready for that yet, and I agree with my dr. That will come in time.

SO, the past month I’ve been looking for remote/work from home positions and man, I’ve been having a rough time, and before had health issues and stuff and was off work and stuff a year or so ago, I had lots and lots of experience and my resume for the telehealth and benefits customer support field is great. I know I’m a great candidate, have great references and I never ever had an issue finding a job before, let alone getting an interview. I know the past few months I’ve been hearing ppl in my country Canada especially talk about how hard it is to get a job right now and man, they weren’t kidding were they?

It sucks I have a limit on what I can do right now…..and I really want to get back to work not only to help myself and get back into a normal life and routine but also bc financially, the income I receive through disability literally covers my BASE BASE BASE needs and that’s it, and I mean that’s fucking it. Of course im thankful I have that bc when I was waiting for it when I first got really sick, that was not easy. That was hell but it would be nice to have a LITTLE bit of pocket money to be able to buy a couple things for myself now and then, you know? I can’t even get my skincare products for my skincare routine I’ve had for years and years anymore :((( & they weren’t crazy expensive products lmao. All of the products in the routine probably totalled like hmm MAX $80 and I’d only need to replace them like every 3 months??? So yeah lol. & also, it’s fall now and I need a new fall coat and I can’t even go to the thrift store and get like a $30 peacoat (which is what I want lol- I love my peacoats) SO YEAH, I WANT A JOB AGAIN!!! & working in the contact center field for telehealth or benefits, was a decent job. Perfectly suited to my needs and even more so now, so yeah- I hope I’ll be hearing back from someone soon!!!

[hauntedkkitty]

hi systems of tumblr i need Help. i am a questioning system and i have been for a long while now and idfk what to do or think anymore

i cannot talk to any sort of therapist / psychologist about this, so please give me any assistance you can even if its just "this sounds like ____" / "this relate to this and i have ___" / ANYTHING please

warning i dump some of my trauma here but i also put red text that just gives a summary without heavy desc so you can skip the description if you dont want to be triggered or upset.

tw child abuse, mentions of death / injury

basic info about me that may or may not relate

- i am a minor with cptsd & autism

- i have a Lot of repetitive trauma. like i dont wanna traumadump it all rn but a Lot.

- i am disabled

- all my older relatives are all shitty people which i cannot ask for help with this. all my younger relatatives would not be able to help. there is no one who i trust enough to help me with this So hiiii anon tumblr blog here i am

-i have not wanted to live for as long as i can remember [and i can remember very far back].

- i had a lot of periods in my childhood where i go Blank for a while, like, memory wise. i would "wake up" somewhere else the middle of an action and have no idea what was going on or why i was there. or felt out of control of my body, i dont know if this has lessened or if i have just grown used to the feeling if that makes sense

- i am psychotic. i have been since i was little and i know how to deal with it now and do not have any Serious delusions or hallucinations anymore

-ive been questioning whether or not im a system for a Long while now but i never get far with it because i literally cannot figure myself out.

- i do not feel i have a real personality

- i dissociated a Lot in childhood and even now.

- i feel like shit went Wrong when i was meant to develop into a normal person and i am now fundamentally fucked

- i have done a Lot of research of osdd/did [and disorders in general] on and off for some years and have never found a conclusion for myself Help me

trauma dump about my experience with possible alter - scroll to red text if you are triggered by: religious trauma, suicide mention / suicidal thoughts

when i was a child [this is abt when i was around 8] i was heavily in denial about the fact that i wanted to die.

i knew my parents [abusive] would react Badly and also i was religious and raised to believe i would burn in hell for it so i just Refused to admit that i hated living.

one day i saw it on the news with my parents [it was some headline like "suicide rates rising" or sum idfk sorry] and my mother said "who would be crazy enough to try and kill themselves" and she wanted an answer back so i said "haha yeah..." and i heard a voice behind me [like Right in my ear behind me] say "you would" [as in you would be crazy enough]

this was not an auditory hallucination. i did not have voice hallucinations at the age and it was extremely different to anything i have ever experienced.

and i was fucking terrified cause as previously mentioned i was raised religious and thought this was a demon trying to tempt me into sin and holy fuck there was a creepy girl whispering my deepest darkest most sinful of secrets in my ears

the voice whispered more into my ear about my inner workings and thoughts and stuff i was in denial of

i have no clue if this makes sense but when i heard its voice i saw like a Flash of info about it. like when you suddenly remember something and the whole memory just Vwoops into your brain? some physical traits and some personality traits, along with the fact that this thing Knows me deeply and knows everything about me?

i looked behind me and asked my mother if she said anything and she said no and gave me a weird look.

i never mentioned anything to anyone because i was convinced they would hurt me if i did.

i felt its presence in the back of my mind [it didnt speak often but even when silent i could feel its presence like the way you know when someones staring at you].

i kept refusing it and saying i did not want it and ignoring it everytime possible and eventually i felt it fade [not the right word but idk wtf to say. it went In or it just disapeared or something]. i felt kind of at a loss when it happened cause i didnt know what to do.

i considered the idea that it was trying to help me but even if it was i had no clue what it was.

TLDR: 8ish yrs old. i was in denial about my mental issues. i heard a voice in my ear very clearly wording out my mental issues in a way i could not. freaked the fuck out and ignored it even though i felt its presence for like a month and eventually i stopped feeling it there. no clue what that was

i told a system blog this experience once and they suggested that i look into bpd & aspd and that they dont know what to say as theyd never heard of something like that happening so young before

since then i have been never heard the voice behind me or any other solid voice. i dont know if it was an alter who went dormant or just some weird dream or hallucination or what.

i ignored it for all my childhood because i was scared. at some point a few years ago [covid times] i felt something similar again, not a voice but Something and i felt the immense need to try and figure it out. i did a Lot of work and all i could figure out was that voice probably Was trying to help me in some way. i was heavily in denial about most of my trauma and mental illness until like a few years ago because my family basically cult brainwashed me Haha.

also also i have had a lot of times where i have not felt Myself but have also still been there. its hard to word but i was still There watching myself do things and if i Really wanted i could try and stop my body from moving but like.... I didnt feel like i was Alone in my brain if that makes sense??? bru idk its that Feeling that someone else is there thing again.

trauma dump warning if you are triggered by: phys abuse [by father] mention, desc of me fearing my abuser would kill me scroll to red text

a time like this that stands out a lot is when i was younger [9+ -14] and my dad had just hit me and yelled at me and he pushed me down and i nearly hit my head on the stone kitchen counter but i just missed it and i was struck with this horrible fear because what would have happened if i did hit my head? i would probably be seriously injured. ive hurt myself on there before and it wasnt even that bad then but i still needed to go to the hospital. would i have died if i hit my head then? is he going to kill me now? and i was filled with so much fear i couldnt move and i had no idea how i would get out of this. i was literally backed into a corner. i completely spaced out.

i felt myself kinda Snap back in my mind for a second like idk how to phrase it but my mind Changed and all of a sudden i had a clear plan like Streamlined to my head and all emotion and desires other than SURVIVE were pushed out And like i felt So out of it and disorientated and ouguhhhhh felt weird bru idk how to word this shit was Odd and moving my body felt weird.

i saw myself run upstairs and check for injuries and try to clean up nd fix body but i did not feel like i was moving ??? like i was Out Of It and my body was just taking care of itself and i was just There like what is happening. OH I SORT OF HEARD A VOICE AGAIN HERE BUT IT WAS MORE LIKE. sudden dominant thought than voice in my ear voice. it was just telling me what to do and questioning if i had bandaids in my room.

TLDR: a time that stands out is when i was younger [9>14], i was being abused and nearly had a serious injury which i slimly avoided and was frozen with fear and spaced out. i suddenly felt myself snap back into place, disorientated and completely Weird, and felt thoughts [a plan to get out] that were not mine. i did not feel fully in control of my body and like i was being fed another persons thoughts as i saw my body tried to help itself. i felt like another persons thoughts were dominating over mine and all in all Strange.

anyway i kinda got back into myself after i was mostly taken care of but i was still Not Fully There if that makes sense??? like i still wasnt responding or thinking or talking or moving ANYTHING like what i usually do and i was aware of this and i was really confused about it and what was going on

sorry if this is worded wrong i wrote most of this late at night and again im autistic and get misinterpreted a lot and also my memory is kinda fucked up

anyways if anyone could could shed any light on this in literally anyway you could i would be super grateful.

ALSO if you think this is some form of osdd/did/plural thing Please tell me how to speak to the people in my head cause idk its weird like this i would like to know what is happening in there and not feel like im suddenly being possessed or like im insane

[conspiritusnosterchorus]

at the basics, i can concise my existence in: i don't know who i am. i love you. i was loved by you. im hated. my life has been so isolated in this lifetime, and it has been traumatic and patronizing since the beginning. i was moved around so much that i never learned how to make lasting friendships. i grew up alone because i was born so late that my older brothers never connected with me and never wanted me around and used violence to enforce that. i continued to have bad relationships and 'friendships' that proved not to be friendships. ive tried to get psychiatric help for 20 years, which is half of my life. the consensus is that im too asymptomatic (due to isolation) that i can't be diagnosed (or believed, malpractice) for the things that trouble me most. so they've instead tried to treat things that they cannot treat with medicine (because they're not correctly diagnosed, and they're not full diagnoses because i don't fit the criteria for that in any of them except depression). and they gave up trying to find medication for my symptoms, due to nothing actually helping even when im on them (the symptoms persist) and extreme sensitivity to medicine (i manifest several adverse effects on very low doses and it worsens my ability to exist in my body). and since I'm isolated without any personal 'support network' aka friends and family, im in my country unqualified for proper therapy, to make matters worse i was put on permanent disability which eliminates psychotherapy entirely (because im on disability and cannot be rehabilitated to work or school). i know, my country sucks. and even if i could get psychotherapy, i would have to reapply for it three consecutive years (if I even found a suitable therapist that's approved by the organization that controls who gets public sector therapy) and might be denied therapy despite of needing it. and then i'd have to wait five years before i could reapply once the three years were used. but im not qualified due to being on disability and since my life doesn't meet the requirements of the psychiatric census of "stable life". and there's no chance in earthly hell i could ever afford to get therapy from private sector while not being able to work. (I can't fork out over 400 euro's per month, i can't even afford to save any significant amounts, im lucky i survive the month as it is).

it's disheartening to understand that my issues in this lifetime, aren't just because it's this life with this trauma, but a long-term condition of my soul. it's disheartening because i can't get help, and i haven't gotten much better in my soul's life span through reincarnations since things happened to me. i feel sad. i feel sad about what's been done to me in this life and spiritually. that this is just because someone loved me and someone didn't like that. i love you.

[idiot-trashpanda]

some of the people in these reblogs are priveleged af. "read more books. no phone after a certain time. take walks. take baths." like stfu please. these are things i am doing to try and slow my life down, and as much as they make me feel good temporarily, they are not solutions to burnout. you have a job where you have accounts and you can like hand off some work and some accounts to take some load off so you can rest more. im a manager at a movie theater. during summer you people never stop coming in and giving us hell. we work 40 hours a week, no exceptions maybe a day off here or there when we have enough pto. my cat just died. i got to take 1 day off to grieve this little baby that had been my companion for 15 years.

"do anything you can to prevent burnout" bitch we live under global capitalism and we have bills to pay. the only thing that would have ever prevented my burnout is having a different system where i wasnt pushed to go to college so i could get a job and work forever. i burnt out in college and every job has burnt me out more and more but i cant ever stop working for even a week or i will be homeless. understand? most of the working class is operating in perpetual burn out that we will never be able to recover from because we cant ever stop to rest because everything in this hellhole of a country only exists as long as you can work and once you cant anymore, whether from burn out, disability, getting old, etc. you are fucking dead. you can no longer produce capital for the bourgeoisie so you are useless and you are dumped into the street or some nursing home to be forgotten about until you die. in this country there is no recovering or preventing burnout unless you have access to a lot of money

[everything-i-couldnt-tell-u]

i'm probably just going insane like usual. probably just can't remember all the time you've spent with me as sevy again that's why i'm going paranoid. i don't know what happened cause one day I just woke up and then feel like I'm back to the old crazy sevy that i worked so hard to change.

once again my eyes and mind are not working properly. everything you say or show me look like hints that you hate me to such an awful degree / you're replacing and leaving me soon. i'm not able to see who you truly are and what you truly feel towards me. right now what I see is someone who's going to cut me off everywhere and i'll never have any means to reach you anymore, that you'll do so without any explanation because obviously the only reason for you finally leaving is that you've gotten sick of how psychotic, paranoid, and insufferable i have been acting all these years. it's scaring the fuck out of me.

even after all the reassurance you've given me, hell i still go on obsessively hyper analyzing everything, disgustingly digging for anything that i can possibly claim as proof that you've left and replaced me no matter how much i've hurt and exhausted myself by doing so. AS IF YOU LEAVING ME IS WHAT I ACTUALLY WANT TO BELIEVE? AS IF IM BLIND AND I DONT SEE ANY OF THE TIME YOU'VE LITERALLY SPENT WITH ME??? no matter what you say or show me, my stupid head is still convinced that you've already replaced and stopped wanting me long ago, that you're only not telling me out of pity and bc you don't want to deal with me going insane since it will be an overwhelming drama.

has zero basis, no concrete proof, no sure evidence i know, but i'm delusional as fuck. my imagination is so wild that i'd connect any random dot to conclude you hate me. i had been collecting vague stuff to interpret as proof that you're literally trying to say you hate me, and this alone makes me feel like a crazy weirdo creep that you'll avoid.

i can't stop crying over arveil because i feel like i can never be what he meant to you. that you'll now go on and be with someone else who can be a good friend who's on arveil's level. someone who can bring happiness in your life instead of negativity. someone who will accept and support you lovingly, something i can barely do. someone you'd feel safe around, someone who can listen to you without making you feel like you're being judged, someone you can be yourself around with and not having to worry you'll get exploded at. someone you can actually have real fun with, something i'm too miserable and paralyzed to do.

i can't find any good reason you'd ever still keep me around, not after arveil is gone and all that's left of me is the same person who always blew up at you and wanted to cut ties every other month after going paranoid. the same person who has hurt you even when you didn't do anything to deserve it, the person who gaslit you into accepting and saying you love me even when i'm so toxic. me, sevy, who was sensitive to every little thing about you and required you to change who you are for the sake of not getting my insecurity and mental illnesses triggered. snapped at every little thing you said, justifying that it was offensive and disrespectful when in truth i was just insecure. treated you like such a horrible person when you just made human mistakes other people do. blamed you for the paranoia my pmdd makes me feel back when i was not yet aware of this goddamn disability. how i always took out the resentment and pain pmdd makes me feel on you. im not stupid i know how shitty i was to you. how much those must've bothered your life.

WHAT KIND OF "FRIEND" DOES THAT HORRIBLE SHIT? NO SORRY WILL TAKE BACK ALL THAT DAMAGE I'VE DONE TO YOUR FRIENDSHIP WITH MY SYS AND YOU NEVER EVEN ASKED TO DEAL WITH THAT. NOTHING I DO CAN EVER MAKE UP FOR HOW MUCH IVE HURT AND PUSHED YOU AWAY DURING THOSE TIMES. I DID THAT TO YOU FOR YEARS THAT'S WHY I SAID IT TERRIFIES ME HOW LONG WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS. AND HECK I SWORE I WAS GONNA "CHANGE AND BE A BETTER PERSON" BUT I ALWAYS TURN BACK INTO THIS CRAZY BITCH

even if i go back in time, i would've still done the same things cause i'm a mentally disable bitch right? that's what i am. who was i kidding when i thought i could actually get better and be a good friend to you, when i can't escape this disgusting creature i turn into every pms

i don't know. maybe i'm just unable to recall any of the times i've been able to act like a decent friend for you since my memory is not working rn. honestly all i remember right now were the times before when i'd always treat you like shit, so naturally i feel like you despise me so much. i don't want you to leave me, but i am so terrified that you have already replaced me that want to run away first again. just like how i always did before lmfao. but i won't do that this time cause i can't trust my emotions and thoughts during pmdd. these are prolly just temporary but id get it off my chest here. i just feel really terrified cause all i can vividly are the terrible things i did to you. i can't help but believe you hate me and i've been hyperventilating so much. im just being dramatic, but in case i don't snap back to normal, sorry for everything i did that hurt you, for everything you showed me that i couldn't see and still doubting you, for creating permanent damage with your friendship with them, for killing arveil out of spite and yet still being awfully insecure even though he's not here anymore. i know ive already said it so much before but i still want to apologize for entering your life

[booblywooblies]

holy fuck dude, i think i like unlocked the ultimate sex technique

its going to sound really obvious and i know cis women have been talking about doing stuff like this for ages but like, idk i never really managed to put the pieces together in a way that worked before

the gist is that i started using a bullet while being penetrated. ive always known that the clit is the bigger player in the vulva/vagina setup than the hole but stimulating it with my hands/other peoples hands has never felt very good so typically when i have sex i just take the dick in the hole for the eroticism and then if i feel like getting off after were done with that then i grind on a pillow to cum

technically theres been a few times where me and my husband, when we first started dating, i was able to cum while he was penetrating me because i had the energy to grind on his pelvis but i am too old and disabled to do that anymore so its been a long time since weve even bothered trying that

ive got 2 toys, one is like a little 5 inch vibrator dildo where the batteries got stuck inside it but its kind of okay as a regular dildo (except for the fact that it doesnt have a base or a handle or anything, but it has like a knot teehee) and a bullet vibrator and i usually just kind of stick the 5 incher inside the hole and wrap the bullet in my labia and then hump a pillow or something with all that going on but recently i was really horny specifically for the thrusting movement but my husband was like too tired to have sex or something so while i was trying to sort myself out i ended up moving the 5 incher in and out and i noticed ! that the bullet enhanced the sensation of the thrust ! and i came super quickly ! because it felt fucking awesome !

and ever since then ive been like oh my god i have to try that out when we have sex and its been a bit and theres been things getting in the way but managed to finally do it today and HOLY SHIT

holy shit it felt so fucking good, it felt so amazing that i barely knew what to do with myself. im fairly noisy normally but i was so desperate and i had no idea how to express myself to get the feeling across to my husband

we did the couch reverse cowgirl again because thats a pretty good way to get him going but ended up doing doggy style again (its probably the most comfortable and feels the best) and he fucked me while i held the bullet in place, he actually had to stop and rest a few times but we didnt lose momentum basically at all and i think thats technically the first time i have ever cum from his movements

i dont fucking have words for how good it felt, it was like there was a dial somewhere that was previously set to 1 and got turned up to the max, not that it didnt feel good before its just like, holy shit

i was not expecting it to work like that

[lostsoulsneverfindhome]

How do you stop feeling like an inconvenience?

I want help so bad but terrified to ask,

Feeling trapped, suffocated,

I see happiness on her face and don’t wanna ruin it

Hide away my thoughts and fears

Trying to disappear

Work to help others

But can’t seem to help myself

I help her wash and dry.

But all I seem to do is cry.

Trapped in a body I hate.

Trapped in a room as I suffocate

Drowning in thoughts I can’t stop.

Sweet release sounds so nice, but I fear of disappointing everyone

Is this what he felt? When he decided to leave us?

Was it selfish or for personal fulfillment?

All I feel is loss. Along and afraid.

I have no one to ask or anywhere to go.

Stuck in this room. Full of my disappointment.

Can’t stop spending. Can’t stop running my mouth. Can’t stop my awful thoughts.

No friends near. She’s mad at me or won’t understand.

Lost my best friend. One I held dear.

Needing to scream but my eyes already hurt so bad.

I hear her laugher in the next room, I’m glad she’s happy.

Away from my toxicity.

I can’t bring myself to tell her how I’m feeling and have been feeling.

All I want is to go in my sleep,

Not know, not feel, just disappear. As if I never were and will never remember I was.

I pray I don’t become a ghost, I don’t want to be stuck with these feelings forever. I want to dissipate.

Why can’t I like anything about myself? Why is it all hatred?

I try so hard just to reach even lower.

Try looking for new reasons to live,

A new book, a new movie, an event. But they all don’t seem to matter right now. Now they don’t feel like enough.

I don’t want anyone blaming themselves if I decide to go.

They tried

I’m just miserable. My brain eating at itself in regret.

Maybe one day I’ll get the courage. Either to never feel like this again or to finally do the act.

Im tired of not being anyone’s number one.

Im always second to soemthing.

Friends, lovers, family. All second.

I wish I could be more likable, less of a weirdo.

Not as much of an asshole. Have less mental health issues.

I want to stop finding out I have more and more disabilities. I feel like it just hurts me.

My cats don’t even seem to really like me anymore.

I miss Ty and Jynxx. Why do animals have to live such short lives? Ours feels like forever. I’m tired of forever. It’s too long.

How did John reach so long? How did he reach to 28? I still have a few years until I reach that. That seems like eternity away.

I wish I could say I was making this all up.

The closer I get to his age, the more I understand. I hate that I understand.

I miss my best friend… I’m nobody to her anymore. Why did she have to go and do that? She could have just not done that, and everything would be fine and she’d still be here, able to talk to me.

I feel so lonely, and it just keeps setting in deeper.

I miss being a child, before I became conscious. Where my only worry was what webkinz I was goona get next, how to level up in wizard101, and if I’ll find any fossils at the park.

In a hundred years, no one will know who I am. Except the slim possibility that someone does an ancestry thing.

Why do I have so little motivation?

No motivation to read.

No drive to draw.

No passion to create any art.

I have everything I could ever need, but I just CANT.

I want to so bad, but my body just doesn’t want to.

I’m tired of being me. I can’t change me.

Wonder how I could euthanize myself. That seems like the best option.

How are there people who don’t deal with this at all in their lives?

This is super long, I should probably stop.

My racing thoughts won’t though.

Constantly giving me reminders.

Useless.

Worthless.

Annoying.

Burden.

Waste.

[octopoet]

Hey

on a serious note

what the heck am i even doing with my life anyways?

so used to obligation

so prone to conformation

i don’t know what to do with myself now that im free

Once trapped in an endless stream of tasks

one job after another

my time portioned,

divided,

consigned to predetermined actions that i was expected to complete

My free time desperately spent,

trying to regain enough energy just to face another day.

endlessly exhausting,

a flood of continuous stress.

I’ve been going full-steam for so long i’ve forgotten how to do anything else

i cant put down the paddle

and yet i long to coast idly along the river of life.

But in my mind, every waking moment must be productively spent

I cannot help but to obsess

needing with every fiber of being to make progress in everything i do

desperately crawling towards some vast, unknowable goal.

My only reprieve lies in fleeting distraction

Forcefully sedating my frantic mind by means of a book, show, or game

somehow escaping the world

quelling the obsession

the all-consuming need to DO

but to open my arms to the embrace of distraction invites the cruel and merciless knife of guilt

what little enjoyment i gain during a brief period of distraction is always destroyed,

erased,

stolen from me by guilt

tainting my fleeting joy with accusations

“oh, you could have been working”

my mind crows

“oh, could have been learning”

my mind jeers

“Get up! You are falling behind”

my mind shouts, warning flaring in its voice

i cant stop, i can’t ever stop

i can rest when im dead

because if i even dare to stop for a moment i’ll never start again

it feels as if the only road to productivity is through panic and pain,

otherwise motivation abandons me

and exhaustion comes creeping in

i have to hurt to get anything done

and if i even allow myself to rest,

If i start to heal

I might never be able to make myself hurt like that again

i cannot rest in whatever laurels i’ve won

for if i do i will never get up again

i cant ever stop

i can rest when im dead

and yet few things i do ever bring any lasting sense of achievement,

any joy won by the completion of a task is often overshadowed by whatever tasks are next

there is always something else to do

that same joy is always tainted by doubt

“you could have done that better”

my mind hisses

“you were not good enough”

my mind reprimands

“you were not fast enough”

my mind utters with disappointment

“you were not smart enough”

my mind cries

Also perhaps it is also the ever present fear that i am behind my peers that lends itself to my obsession

the label of a disability looms over every aspect my life

it is present in every action i make, regardless if I consider it or not

I have been playing catch-up to my peers for so long

i don’t think like they do?

fine, ill find my own way to think

i cant do what they do?

fine, ill make my own way to do it,

through blood, sweat, and tears i have designed my own way to function

to do what is expected of me, and is effortless for my peers

I have spent the last six years of my life painstakingly figuring out how to do what others have been capable of doing since birth

i have been catching up to them

and it has been a long, hard fought battle

To do myself what for others comes as simple as a breath

i have been working overtime to get better

to improve

I cant stop now

Pushing myself like this all i’ve ever known

i cant rest now

i can rest when im dead

[jazminefuckingdied]

this past month or 2 not having weed to consistently smoke or any sort of substance for that matter has made me remember how actually miserable and depressed and lonely i am like wut the freak. like why cant i regulate my emotions and function as a person without some sort of stimulation question mark... also i used to thrive in my solitude, turns out a bitch is not above the evolutionary need for human connection and i do infact need a hug, and like thats not just noticing to cuz ive been sober ive just been ignoring it :p but like its just easier that way cuz the only person who actually likes me or gives a shit ( i hope... ) is leyla and i love leyla the mostest but i feel like i dont have any other people i actually talk to or confide in...besides kate ( LOVE U KATE ) but that doesnt really count cuz she lives in far away town :(. moral of the story im sad and lonley and nothings really gunna help besides being on something but thats stupid bc i dont want to have to be on something to be happy.

anyways on to the next topic... WHY BOYS R STUPID AND SHOULD ALL DIE. this section should actually be called why my brain is broken and i need to be sedated but i can do no wrong and i am perfect so i will blame it on everyone and anyone but me :p. so basically... I HATE " TALKING " OR FOLLOWING MFS TO MAYBBEEEE " TALK" OR JUST DOING THE WHOLE GET INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE THING IN GENERAL. leyla told me to follow sum mofoz and i did it and like they followed me back or whatever but wow i havent even attempted to follow mfs that i think r cute or anything of the sort in so long jesus i forgot how rotten my stupid head is and how hard STUPID THINGS THAT DONT MATTER AFFECT MY MOOD. AND ITS DOUBLE STUPID CUZ I KNOW THAT ITS STUPID AND SHOULDENT AFFECT ME SO WHY IS IT DOING THAT. like why is a person not viewing my instagram story having a genuine impact on me... bitch stand tf up. i dont think i will ever be able to be stable and in a relationship all at once first of all cuz lit tra lee no one wnats me lmao, but second cuz like um what no how no what no... like all these little things affect me so greatly and i am shit a communicating my emotions so ya no not happening how is that supposed to work with out me killing me self. i will die miserable and alone. moral of this story i just want to be wanted but thats to much hard work i give up.

side notes:

i literally dont know how to talk to people how do u do that like a normal person i have a disability or something.

i would like to disappear into the mountains and never comeback... BUT REFER TO PARAGRAPH ONE IM TIERD OF BEING LONLEY sooo #hypocrite

the mountains r gorgeous ive always loved them but going to school early has made me love em even more cuz they're breathtaking when the sun's rising

i downed some more saké from the fridge before i started typing this so it probably got messy as shit anyway i need to pee before i get a uti

tipsy jazmine out...

[colorguardsweetheartblurrsgirl]

Sorry Been away. Here's a random doodle I did a few weeks ago. I promise to get more art out.

Computer's been like all my electronics having alot of issues based on age. But I finally got my art program up and everything's set to go. Should have a few posts in the next week or two. Just have to help my folks out with a house project they have.

So where have I been at lately???

Also guess I'm doing more work for them, there's a few projects they need my help with. Again for those again don't know I am an only child (now adult I pale thinking Im about to turn 31) who helps take care of my disabled mom alot of the time. Shes been disabled my whole life and often I've had to move my life to fit around that (included having to often limit my activities so I could help around the house), even had to come back from University. But it's all out of love and respect for them. I may complain sometimes but it's just the stress and worry as I know my parents are technically elderly even If I refused to see them as such and I am taking care of their house on my own which can be overwhelming at times.

My mom officially has a cane now. But luckily her knee pains gone (apparently Frankenscense is really good for pain [not endorsing just didnt know it was used for that, thought fun fact!]). So that's a plus.She found something to work for her pain so there have been a few good days. Just her emotional state can snap sometimes due to health and it's harder for me to be on days like that as I need to care for her or myself and my emotional state die to it, having never had anxiety before it's a whole new ball park learning curve on how to handle what I was used ti (trying to navigate her bouts when shes like this is dificult).

So I never know one day to the next if her health is good or bad. Sometimes it's so debilitating for her, you'd expect a terribly hard few days for her, only to wake the next day and shes on the floor clinging, moving around bending limber as ever and cheerful. So it's a uphill down hill rollercoaster I never know what it's going to be. But it's worth it, and she fully understands I have projects and havent been able to regularly post lately due to her health issues and moments. But yeah if anything I want to ensure my mom lives healthy long as I can so she comes first in my life. I realized after a conversation I should have said something on here.

Due to that I can't usually give an update knowing if it's good or bad with her. I'm trying to do better as I get closer with this and posting more regular updates. I just, I pray her health improves and God let's us get all the work done, the stuff I need to help her with and need to do on my own.

....

I may post the full doodle... but I just liked this angle the best.

I took images of it at various angles and this one I really liked.