#im deeply ashamed
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my demons .......... my demons came out haiii haha
#danganronpa#drv3#danganronpav3#amasai#saimami#shuichi saihara#saihara shuichi#shuichi#saihara#rantaro amami#amami rantaro#rantaro#amami#pls forgive me#i relapsed into dr#LOOK AWAY!!#im deeply ashamed#i thouhjt about them again and. i just was like#haha i bought v3 when it went on sale . what if i#then i#fucking#RAGGHHHH
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why does google show me stories pulled from its ass hairs every time i open it. what the fuck is this
#im deeply offended upset disgusted and ashamed of the human race#the moment these words traversed into mine eyeline i was immediately tormented with visions of the endtimes.#i saw humanitys downfall and it started with this image.#nyxi cant stfu
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Thinking about the fact that Mabel and Dipper didn't know they had two great uncles.
Yeah they are 12 and at 12 I had a shotty understanding of my family tree- But really? Nobody brought up their great uncle? Stanley? Especially since they'll be staying with his twin brother, Stanford?
Shermie never went to Stan's fake funeral, which to me means the twos relationship was strained on some level. If Shermie is older that means his view of Stan was poisoned in some way, that even as kids they weren't close. If the Shermie is younger then he never even got to meet Stan and all he knew about him was how he failed his family. Hell, people probably barely mentioned Stanley TO Shermie.
The fact that Stan had become a black stain upon the Pines family name makes me so vividly upset. Stanley faked his death and the family just- seemingly decided to strike him from the record. To pretend he didn't existed to spare themselves the sadness and shame.
Stanford and Shermie Pines. The only children worth mentioning of Filbrick and Caryn Pines.
It was never Stanford that was lost to the world. It was Stanley, ever since he had to leave New Jersy- it was always him that had to be struck from the record. Change his name, change his state, change his affiliations, destroy the remains of ghost that was Stanley Pines. Kill him so the family doesn't bring him up, doesn't ask questions, stops asking "Stanford" about his twin.
I just keep thinking about the fact that since the day he made one single mistake all the way up until Ford walks out of that machine- Stanley Pines was killed and did not exist. And Stan himself had no one to blame, he had to play the part in his own demise- He is the only one who ever knew Stanley was alive and has been for decades.
He lives in the multitudes of every personality he's ever taken, all in the hope that he himself can stop being Stanley Pines.
#gravity falls#grunkle stan#stanley pines#STANLEYYYYYY#STANLEY THEY COULD NEVER MAKE ME HATE YOU STANLEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#sharky rants#Just. Imagine the fucking shame you have to live with#the shame that you can never be yourself. That anything you were is unwanted and forgotten#The shame of just BEING- Of taking space of- of /breathing-/#Imagine the world; your friend; your family; your colleagues being so ashamed of having known you#that you feel more comfortable with a persona to present.#You feel more comfortable stealing the identity of someone you care for deeply if only to help#If only to feel capable for once. To feel like you belong- Like youre doing something good for once#Imagine the shame that brings you to be comfortable not being yourself for 40 years.#ALL CASE YOU BROKE ONE FUCKING PROJECT??????? COME ON#I mean- the deeprooted shame was started from earlier. He was 'the stupid twin“; 'the troublemaker”; “the cheat and thief”#This was a long time coming#But those werent MISTAKES- The one time he genuinely made a Mistake he lost everything#Like he really mattered so little to the people around him#and he cant really blame them.#My cousin is a genius. Hes smart and academically achieved since I was a baby.#The only thing I had that he didnt was my ability to draw. to be creative. The guy for the longest time had a better social life then me too#I used to get brought to tears seeing his accomplishments- seeing people praise him. The shame lived in me any time I had to see him#The shame that I was the black sheep of the family next to the golden standard for a son- for a student- for a friend.#when I was none of those things#And Im lucky he was my cousin- cause if he was my brother that would have haunted me EVERY DAY rather then once or twice a year#Im better with it now; Im more content with who I am- But trauma dump aside-#I very very very much understand Stans shame in being the stupid one. The unachieved one in a family full of achieved people#the shame thats angry at him for being better. at the family for treating him special. and most of all at yourself that you cant be better#its a visceral feeling that I sadly understand
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FUCK YOURE SO RIGHT HOW COULD I HAVE FORGOTTEN
We should give Bing-ge someone worse and stronger than him to fall in unrequited love with. I wonder what would happen.
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"This is more about your ego and pride than Palestine" No its about putting pressure on a party that is supporting genocide
It's about logic
Biden and the DNC would rather cause dissent and dissatisfaction within their own party rather than call for a ceasefire
They know they can get away with it because they're a better option than Trump, because they know they could murder babies in front of you and you'll still vote for them.
So why would they call for a ceasefire when they don't need to?
That's why putting the pressure on them, saying they won't get our vote or saying we are looking for other options is so important.
Because that's the only way they will change.
By saying "Vote Blue No Matter Who", you give him and the DNC permission to permit genocide despite the vast majority of public opinion. You say they can do whatever they want because you will vote for them anyways.
You tell them they don't need to do anything else. That in fact they can do whatever they want. You've shown them you are so terrified of your own government that you would rather lie down and let it walk all over you than put any pressure on them at all
They have a year to make a change. Biden could end this all tomorrow, but why would he when he has you doing his dirty work?
#there is nothing to be proud of here there is no ego here#if anything i am deeply ashamed that my vote and my country has allowed this to get so bad and that my tax dollars have led to this#i didnt read the whole ask because it was abother essay but if you are implying im voting third party because of an ego you are part of#the problem here#but im sad because so many people i thought were friends or people i admired have shown they dont actually care abouot the world#if it were my country's people that biden was funding a genocide against they would still expect me to support it#i want desperately to never think about politics or any of this but when millions of lives are directly at the mercy of my government#the least i can do is not give them a pat on the back and look away for my own comfort#at least in finding out who to block and unfollow i guess#us politics#joe biden
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porcupine dilemma: no matter how strongly you desire intimacy, you will not put down your knife.
#crocodile has a possessiveness to him. mihawk is disgusted at it and at himself. for wanting to allow it.#the vibe was. crocodile grasping desperately as they get closer. as he realizes how deeply he actually trusts mihawk.#and mihawk is ashamed of his feelings. and much more used to loneliness than croc. but it becomes a struggle to keep his distance#and they cant ever really. stop being on guard. trusting someone not to hurt you isnt the same thing as letting your guard down.#there is a bit of a threat between them for a long time bc they know that they would kill each other if they had to.#you can come close to me but dont forget that i will tear your throat out.#ANYWAY. im obsessed.#one piece#sir crocodile#dracule mihawk#crochawk#wanitaka#op crocodile#op mihawk#hawkeyes mihawk#jart
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#prefacing this with I Know Spanish. i cant not know spanish‚ my parents don't speak english#but im the only one of my siblings that didnt get to go to school over there 🇲🇽 (just pre school)#adn the thing is like. my siblings wld talk to me in eng of course#(if they talked to me at all! what do u say to a baby when you're 9 12 and 15 yrs older.)#and my parents wld similarly jst not talk to me? i did not have conversations with them from birth to now lol.#thjere is something about how like. my sisters kids are also learning the languages at the same time#but when they mess up in spanish theyre corrected‚ by my sister (their mom)‚ my other sister‚ my parents#why not Me. why wasnt that extended to Me as a child...#the same reason I have the least amount of baby pictures while my siblings all have one full book each i bet#the same reason why my and my eldest sister are 15 yrs apart LOL#igts so crazy to me. i hate mentioning this bc people assume#im one of those ppl who isnt fluent bc their parents speak english and spanish and never taught them#my parents dont speak english❗❗❗❗#my nephew thats older than me who is my fave family member and also only speaks spanish#is coming up on sunday idk that i can fully carry convo with him!#pure spanglish bc i didnt grow up having convos in it writing it reading it#thats why im so desperate to read books in spanish now. im so deeply ashamed#igts so crazy. i hate it.#saw a comment on smthng the other day thats like ''idk how u can have parents that only speak spanish and not know it lol''#well can you take a guess. can u take a guess as to how that would happen via interactions. lack thereof.#idk why but its even more embarrassing this way. genuinely how cld u not know...?#its like i was born to feel isolated from my family in every single way...youngest by so many years#the language thing. the Hates Eating thing. the trans thing. most severe failure to launch#im so embarrassed to be alive....!#and i dont belong anywhere. and i am Alone wherever I am.#abandoned by direct and distant relatives. ancestors.
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oh thank god ppl aren’t crucifying me for saying i like it better that darry dropped out of school over just not going at all i feel so vindicated. i think it makes sm more sense for his character and—-
#i WILL be writing a deeply at length tumblr#post about this*#at some point#trust me#it shows his sacrifices and how fucking close he was to getting out of tulsa#and getting rid of the greaser name he’s been so ashamed to have attached to him#bc at the end of the story. pony realizes there’s more to him than just grease and#darry’s already known that about himself. he’s sick of that being ALL he’s known for#he wants out and to make a life for himself and he GOT out against all odds#just for life to. well. Life. and then he’s pulled back into an opportunity to ask himself#do i sacrifice everything i have worked my entire life for??#do i go back home and say goodbye to this life i’ve fought tooth and nail for to keep my brothers in my care or#do i stay and continue on with what ive worked for my entire mf life and#the REAL testament to darry’s character is#no matter how much he WANTED to get out. he will never ever let anything be more important to him than his family#it’s a no brainer to him to drop out and come back home. no matter how hard things get w his brothers#no matter if he threatens wanting to go back when things get unbearably difficult#he still fucking STAYS!!!!!!!!!#that is darry curtis for you thank you for your time.#holy FUCK i wrote an essay IM SORRY#me at the beginning of the tags: i’ll do this someday but not today#me at the end: 🧍🧍🧍#would it shock you if i said these weren’t even ALL my thoughts on this topic#the outsiders#darry curtis#outsiders musical
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i need you to know that your jonah magnus art has changed me on a fundamental level. i come back to your blog every now and then and search "jonah" and i simply Look at the most evil trans man to exist
😅 aahhhah
#i renamed his tags to just jonah to avoid tma fans#i think i art i did at the time was good#but i think it was my brain’s last hurrah in terms of ‘dedication to a piece of media’#and it was an extremely Big hurrah. and i am tired and i am ashamed#and based on what ive seen crop up on my feed my effects still echo in tma LMAO#i dont know what took over me but ive Actively taken steps to never get invested in anything that deeply again#dear lord it was so bad i couldnt even sleep more than 5 hours. and i woke up tense#anyway. obsession�� (hyperfixation?) is like a sugar high#and since tma ive been riding out my sugar crash IM SO TIRED#SORRY TO GO ON A TANGENT ANON i know youre just being nice#thank u for liking my art at least#shioshpam
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thinking about adam parrish. nothing new i know
#im following a novel writing course by maggie stiefvater#and she talks about her inspiration for adam#basically she met a guy who was so deeply ashamed of his temper#and she just took that shame and made adam parrish out of it#and idk maybe its bc it thursday morning but it hit me a big too hard for something i already knew#trc
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what they dont warn you about is that after you see the crane wives live you'll hear never love an anchor recorded and immediately stop still and have to physically restrain yourself from sobbing as the memory of how incredible it was live takes over your whole body
they also dont warn you that they'll play unreleased songs and you'll be perpetually yearning to loop a song that is not released yet
#im not ashamed to say i screamed and sobbed to this one live. eveyrone else was also doing it.#deeply cathartic.#also the second part of this post is about scars#the crane wives
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Can I offer you some unhinged dreamling smut in this trying time?
Thanks to @tryan-a-bex and the good people in the Mr. Sadman server for inspiring and encouraging me. Enjoy the helmfuckery!
#the sandman#dreamling#dreamling fanfic#dreamling fanfiction#dreamling smut#dream of the endless#hob gadling#sandman#smut#nsft#the sandman fanfic#the sandman fanfiction#sandman fanfic#sandman fanfiction#im proud of my work but deeply ashamed of myself#zoom writes
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I fell in love with the same white man 3 times in a row. Something about a male character that acts really arrogant, pompous and morally dubious but also being deeply insecure and traumatized is like catnip to me. They all have the same character arc too💀💀 They're evil but want to become better people and they do without losing that trickster quality they've always had. Perhaps I crave that enemies to lovers story, not in a 'i can fix him' way but he'll want to do better for love and acceptance.
#loki#spike#astarion#im so ashamed of myself#but im deeply in love with all of them#love me a sneaky little rat man
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being jewish with zero affiliation to israel and rather a generational line of activists for palestine is a hard line to walk and sometimes i wish i could just fall off
#i hate zionist jews i hate i stand with israel signs in my neighborhood i hate leftists who write and speak and act like theyve never met an#actual jewish person in their life and believe that were all genocidal monsters (in spite of our own genocide which i assume will eventuall#flip around to leftist holocaust denial) i hate that people are blaming israeli civilians for the faults of their deeply corrupt government#i hate that i cant say zionism is inherently antsemitic without getting fucking maimed i fucking hate it here the world is on fire just#fucking let me burn#anyways#sorry#free palestine#any other#jumblr#girlies (gn) relating to my vent#bc im started to feel ashamed of myself my culture and my people#and its such a fucking shitty feeling#like i can barely look in palestine / gaza / etc. tag without seeing blindingly blatant antisemitism coming from left right and center#like just say you hate jews and fuck off#i cant look at this shit anymore fuck#idk why im so worked up about this rn i just. btwn weeding out all the zionist blogs i didnt know i followed and just being so fucking-#and weeding out all the antisemitic leftist blogs i didnt know i was supporting its all just crashing down#im so fucking tired#and im so fucking tired of having to defend myself any time i talk about the jewish experience in any of this#and im so fucking tired of people equating judaism with religion only#and im so fucking tired of the double standard of also equating with only one race#like there arent jews of every race#the reason you cant see any of this shit is because nearly a century later were still dealing with the aftermath of the 6mil person murder#were always at the cross roads of some ridiculous double standard or the scapegoat for when things are going badly#like fuck i just#dont want to have this fucking identity anymore it makes me a walking talking breathing living fucking target#idk what to do I'm just#desolate
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sometimes I remember the fact that at the ripe age of 9, I felt ashamed for watching and loving Lego Ninjago, bc I felt like I was "too old" for the show, and it was targeted for a "younger audience". (this went for most of my in general) and how Older Me would look back and cringe at the fact I enjoyed these "children shows/ things".
And now, as an Adult, I see how absolutely ridiculous that sentiment was. And to this day I still enjoy "children shows/ things" (LMK, TOH, mythology, dinosaurs, etc.,).
Like no- now all i want to do is look back and whisper "you will still enjoy these things in the future, and you will even create so much art of the things you find interesting. You will go to college for some of these things. Enjoying harmless things isn't childish."
#i wish i could go back and tell younger me that i was literally the target audience for the shows i was ashamed for watching#and literal /adults/ made the media. they spent so much time and energy and thought into these things#adults still look at the stars and wonder what life could look like on other planets#they still wonder what dinos looked and acted like#/i/ still wonder these things#its almost like its human nature to pour your heart and soul into the things that you deeply enjoy#its almost like we're on a floating rock and food grows out of the ground#and the thing that living organisms need most of all to survive falls out of the sky after being gently scooped from the ocean and flora#none of this makes sense and one day out time here will end. so endulge in the things that you enjoy#because yea in the long run none of this will matter- but that's the beauty of it. isn't it?#in this essay i will-#hey guys. im Spoofy and tonight? I'm feeling emotions. specifially the weight of my own existence#spoofy rambles
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my brain has been so ruined by hetalia that I saw fanart of fucking grian (minecraft guy) and thought "woah, cool alfred f jones fanart"
Like 😭😭😭 is this punishment for man's hubris
#im deeply ashamed but honestly this'll keep happening so whatever#it's not as bad as the time I read “actually” as “germany” which is so freaking bad 😭😭😭#novo rambles about stuff
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