#im being dumb and mentally ill dont listen to me

[macroglossus]

being evaluated for adhd by having one of those full psych evals that last like two hours. scared frightened etc.... last time i took it i lied extensively bc i was 13 and thought they might tell my mommy if i said i had suicidal thoughts. and i still have a habit of lying to therapists bc i'm embarrassed......... AGH idk. what if i take it and they tell me that the reason im Like This is bc im genuinely just weird and shitty and not bc im mentally ill at all. SCARED

[jadeofblades]

"God i hate shuichi SO much he's so pathetic and annoying i wish he died instead of-" 💥💥💥🔫

[midnightfire830]

Asylum

so are cups n mugs with the questers rn?, and if so what do they think about the wild cup, does cups ever get blackouts?, if you were to list off mental illnesses from cups what would they be, is cups only nice to mugs and literally rabid to everyone else?, is there a cure for cupheads wildness, has cuphead ever actually been to an asylum?, does cups ever experience self loathing or self hate?, does cuphead have medication he takes just to stay sane?, is cuphead even sane?, has cuphead ever been in isolation?, what does cannikan think about his son being like his, does cannikan even know?

Lost toys

So how exactly does everything work?, do the toys have to eat?, does it kinda work like toy story?, for example, the toys could be doin something and someones like “hey andys comin” and then everybody just goes limp, or do the toys have theyre own domain where they exist, or is it kind of like that one tayo the bus movie (i forgor his name T-T), like the humans that own the toys somehow throw them away or lose them some how and they end up in a world with other lost toys like them, what are each of the questers roles?, are there any legos? (Dumb ahh question i know😭), is everything made out of wood and plastic?, what type of toys have theyre faces painted on?, do the toys need to eat?c like toy food or sumthin?, are there any toxic things the toys need to avoid?, like for example acid or soda.. (the soda gets everything all sticky😭)

Angel blood

I think remember you sayin they have some kinda psychic abilities (i thinj), like mugman can do what alice does and feel emotions, and cuphead could see the future, what is the limitation for mugmans ability to sense emotions, can he sense bloodlust or jealousy?, can mugman sense when someone is depressed, or have any mental illness related to emotions?, what was mugman like during the love of tainted bacon chapter?, was he any different?, now for cuphead, could cuphead see when his heart was about to be pulled out of his chest?, if so did he do anything to avoid it?, what are cupheads coping mechanisms for seeing into the future?, if cuphead sees anything important, does he write it down?, could cuphead be able to control it if he worked hard enough?

Ghost

If cuphead was in ghost form would he be able to posses things and people kinda like chalice in TCS?,what would cannikan think,if cuphead could, could he posses the devil?,I remember you tellin me that cuphead had no limits to flying so he could be in like outerspace or sumthin, but in human form could cuphead potentially survive out there?, does cuphead need food?, how fast can cuphead fly?, if cuphead flew out of the earth than put of orbit and THEN out of the galaxy, if he kept flying could he technically fly to another multiverse?

Mermaid

Do the questers just live in an open ocean or is there a civilization of mer people?, if you were to measure any of the questers to an average sized human being, what would be the difference in height?, what kind of fish are they based on?, could they go to the mariana trench?, or how far can they go down?, what are theyre life spans?, can they breath on land and on water?, if any of the questers were to eat human food, what would they be able to eat and not be able to eat?, can any of the questers get legs?, how far away from mainland do the questers live?, if you were to take each quester, how valuable would their scales be? (Or atleast for the ones that do have scales)

Other questions unrelated to aus

I have alot of aus that are unshared, uhhh what would be a good way to get people interested in them?, and what are your human quester headcanons

(Yes im listening to the intense voice of hatsune miku and eating pizza while writing these paragraph long questions)

/lh /t ^^

I’ll answer a couple from each. You’re welcome to re-ask any that I dont answer if you’d like.

Asylum:

If you were to list off mental illnesses from Cups what would they be?

- Cup doesnt exactly have a mental illness. Moreover the demon blood incident took a harder toll against him and he has a way harder time coping and adjusting to it. The main things being he’s a lot more emotionally volatile and unstable. He’s generally in his right mind from day to day. Just if you get him angry and upset he’s quicker to go into a rampage and those rampages last long. And in general he’s WAAAYYYYYY moodier.

Does Cuphead have medications he takes just to stay sane?

- No medications as of yet. If he WERE then maybe anti-depressants or something to treat anxiety. To help with mood swings and regulating his emotions a bit. But those didn’t exist in the 1920s. They were introduced in the medical field in the 50s. And even then, back in the 20s they didn’t have a good understanding of mental illness. Literally people were put in asylums for having ADHD. So. No. No medications. Or official clinical “treatment” outside of what Flug, Hat, and the Devil did to help.

Lost Toys:

So how does everything exactly work? . . . Does it kinda work like Toy Story?

- Pretty much the thing you said “That one Tayo the bus movie”. You know those stories parent’s tell their children when a pet dies? That they went to a farm or something or a better place to make the child feel better? A way for them to cope? That’s a similar idea that I’m going for. The AU is in a child’s imagination. And it’s their favorite toys going to a magical forest where other lost or forgotten toys go to live in the woods together.

What type of toys have their faces painted?

- Cuphead, mugman, Cala, boris, bendy, holly, and Alice have painted on faces. In a sense.

Angel Blood:

What was Mugman like during the tainted love of bacon chapter?

- Well leading up to the love spell mugs wasnt reacting all that well to the experiments. Trying not to get sick and probably had to sit back a few times. So either he wasn’t there for the love spell or he was still under its effect but didn’t care enough to notice the emotions going on around him. Though it was definitely a LOT. Afterwards tho he’d feel very VERY sick.

What are Cuphead’s coping mechanisms for seeing in the future? If he sees something important, does he write it down?

- He keeps a ‘dream journal’ of sorts in his pocket. He doesnt always write every vision he gets but ones that feel important to him or significant he notes down.

Ghost:

In human form could Cuphead potentially survive out there?

- He couldn’t survive in human form out in space. He’d die of suffocation and prolly extreme temperatures and whatever other stardust is out there

Does Cuphead need food?

- Yes He needs food for energy to sustain his body and soul. Even if he were to stay in his ghost form he’d still loose energy and eventually die.

Mermaid:

- So, a bit on the world building:

Short answer: both.

Long answer: the questers live a nomadic lifestyle (no permanent housing, a lot of traveling, etc) Living that kind of lifestyle is very normal for young adult merfolk. Once they get older they leave their families and go off on their own. Start their own pods, explore the world, and figure themselves out. It’s waaayyy more dangerous that way, especially for lone travelers and children. Which is why they usually stick together in groups. From there when they start their own families or get on in their years some decidedly settle down in more permanent housing. And some stay on the nomadic lifestyle. It’s up to preference.

But there are merman civilizations that exist. Most popular being the lost city of Atlantis. It used to be a kingdom on the surface before it fell into the sea. The humans inhabiting it all died out and merfolks moved in. Fixing it up and making it their own. The lost city is now the equivalent to a large city and it’s highly populated by merpeople.

What kind of fish are they based on?

- Ok. Cuphead is a Lionfish, Mugman is a Blue African Peacock Cichlid or and Electric Blue Hap (I can’t tell the difference. They might be the same things I’m not sure), Bendy is a sea monster, his design is based off of the Pixar movie Luca, Boris is a Great White Shark, Felix is a Black Axolotl, Holly is a Yellow Seahorse, and Alice is a White Opal Betta!

I’ll answer a 3rd cuz im obsessed with merman atm

How far away from the mainland do the questers live?

- It varies. But they usually stick kinda close to the mainland rather than far out in the open like most merfolk. They hang out especially along the southern eastern coast of the US in the coral reefs. Like around the Bahamas off the coasts of Florida, Cuba, Puerto Rico, and the Dominican Republic. But they travel other places when they want. Especially for their work, or if they need things that you can only buy in major civilizations.

And a good way to get people interested in your AUs?

Honestly? Just share content. Frequently post art, tease fun things, interact with people in comments or reblogs as much as possible and make as many friends as possible. Build up a community. It’s really, really slow progress. Almost painfully slow. But in the end its worth it.

Have fun! Thanks for the ask!!!

[xxmia0wm4yh3mxx]

Backrooms POI: Finley and Funny

Name(s): Finley and Funny

Aliases: "the Friendly Partygoer"(Funny) Team BoredFun, Fin+Fun

Dummy grumpy pants (Finley) =)

Funny dont add that in =(

You can't tell me what to do! XD

A stupid annoying idiot (Funny) =(

Hey! thats meeeeaaaaan >=(

Shut up =(

Last known location(s): Level 1, Level 5, Level 2, Level 11,

Known Affiliations: The Pity Partiers are the best and you should visit them =)

look I know they sound suspicious but you should listen to them =(

(Funny and Finley running from a smiler and a more clear, edited version of the smae photo)

Description: Finley and Funny are a unlikely duo of two eneties. (A rouge partygoer and a thought to be extinct partypooper) they have been seen wanderering Levels in deep conversation with one another, running from other entities

We dont do that! >=(

yeah we do actually =(

they seem to have a interest in guns and weapons as they have been seen carring many swords, guns and bazookas and making them as well

YEAH! THEIR AWESOME! right Fin? =)

Yeah i guess their cool =|

they love it =)

They both seem to be neutral on humans, they have been only seen killing them when negatively provoked

Uh YEAH? of course we respond violently to dumb, rude people! thats how it works dummy! =)

I think they're talking about how you clawed someones eye out when they accidentally bumped into you =(

It was level 201! I was on edge! >=(

Level 201 isn't that dangerous dumbass =(

you know why I didn't feel safe... Im not usually like that, honest! you can be a funny joke if you change your perspective! =)

Despite Funny being a partygoer, they have never been seen Hunting or eating wanderers but have been seen eating a prompus amount of Cannibal Cusinie.

Honestly cannbial cusinie so much more tastier =)

Im surprised you haven't gotten fat with how you eat that shit =(

Youda mean? =|

I'm just sayin its not good for you =(

WELL the more I eat, the less their is for the humans, DUH! =)

Finley has been known to be very cold and somewhat hostile to wanders, often pointing guns at wnaders but often never shooting

Don't worry, they only pull guns when they are just when They're grumpy, YOU SHOULD SEE WHEN THEY'RE MAD! HAHAHA! =)

Partygoers and PartyPoopers are infamous for being natural mortal enemies, but Finley and Funny have been seen either neutral or Straight-up romantic with eachother wait, wait, wait, WAIT. what do you mean by romantic? =(

uh fin we've been dating forever you stupid ass =)

Don't tell them that! >=(

Awwww! are you embarrassed?~ =)

im kicking you out of the room =(

Behaviors: Funny Has been known to be friendly albeit very malicious and dark regarding to their sense of humor, often making jokes about murder, missing family members, self harm, destruction, mental illness, or just straight up being rude piece of shit

You just gotta have the right mind set to get my jokes, Or at least a Mind at all! =)

as stated before Finley has been known being, cold, crass, rude, cynical but still helpful even if it doesn't effect them positivly. they have also been known to make edgy remarks reminiscent of that of a middle schooler who thinks they're depressed.

>=(

The following Is a interview log with The two eneties and dehila of the m.e.g in hopes to understand their odd situation better

____________________________________

Dehila: *Calmly walks over to Finley and Funny* Um excuse me-

Funny: FINELY SHOOT IT WITH FIRE ITS A SKIN STEALER!

-the tape cuts out for 20 minutes-

Finley: sorry about Asshole overthere *they point to Finny* they can't tell a clicker from a skin stealer

Funny: OH well excuuuuusse me for being jumpy in a plane of existence with cosmic entity cakes and hivemind cults following a dumb bluebird!

Dehila: oh it's quite alrig-

-the tape cuts out again

Dehila: so how did you two meet?

Finley: long story, but after the fun war PartyPoopers decided to stay in the promised land for "preservation of out species" or some dumb shit like that, but I left caused that Was the stupidest thing ive ever heard-

Funny: HA! not as dumb as you wanderering the halls alo-

-The tape cuts out again-

Dehlia: so you two have a bit of a enemies to lovers thing going on huh?

Funny: Eh, I guess, i mean we still fight ALL the time, and they're Super boring if that wasn't obvious! but.. i dunno They're a boring person, but Super fun to be around with! They taught me how to shoot a railgun, We made a bazooka that fires chainsaws, we smoke MJ together, They tell the best jokes! they've kinda become my muse!

Dehila: Aww thats so sweet- wait What about memory-

Funny: Nothing.

Finley: Yeah Funnys alright, Its nice to have someone who gets me, or Not takeing literally everything thing I say personally

Dehila: so funny, what separates you from the rest of the Partygoer?

Funny: Well I hate killing humans for starters, You guys are a alot funner alive, And Also Cannibal Cusinie Just tatses better, oh and also Being unwittingly controled by a giant birthday cake is super lame honestly, plus I'm having so much Fun With Finley!.... but I do miss friends back in level fun...

Finely: *sighs* ..yeah thats the hardest part about leaving..

Dehlia: so I've heard alot about "The pity Partiers" what is that exactly?

Finley: *akward silence*

Funny: Uhh.. well.. Uhhh

Funny:

Funny: you see when you love someone very much-

Finley: they're our kids

Dehlia: All of them?!?! they're like 50 of them!

Finley: 160 actually, Partypeople usally have 40 per litter

Funny: Yeah, why do you think were everywhere?

Finley: Anyways don't worry about them, their (mostly) harmless, right fun?

Funny: I think I have something in my teeth

Finley: yeah just don't hurt them alright?

________________________________________

log ends

[fictionfixations]

jaehee best route presentation

this is just me jokingly dunking on mysme's other routes and pointing out the weird and wacky shit that happened in comparison to jaehee's significantly more tame route (because i love her route. we stan jaehee in this household.)

meant to make a presentation cause a bunch of friends were getting together to make some dumb af presentations but im procrastinating

anyway ive never played deep story or another story mode. and the only routes ive actually played are jaehee's and yoosung's. i cant be bothered to do anyone else's (the notifs get so annoying. im the type of person who sometimes spends whole days in a row desiring me time and being all alone. so guess what when you give me a game thats basically like a messenger in which you have to actually interact by then? its like. actually socializing! which no. it hit my social limit and i just stopped trying after multiple bad endings trying to actually get to zens lol)

since im not gonna be showing off my presentation (because ah.. socialization.. and two, now im kind of scared i might trigger someone..?)

so. here.

MAJOR MYSTIC MESSENGER SPOILERS

its a gif..

[ Content warning: Swears, possibly triggering content, uh. Mention of bombs, death (faked su//cide), possible implied in//est thoughts (he doesn’t harbor those thoughts I don’t think, but it can still be the impression he gives off), ..mention of s*x maybe?, kidnapping, held captive, weird shit that’s meant to be kinky but actually comes off as really creepy, INACCURATE PORTRAYAL OF PEOPLE WITH MENTAL ILLNESSES, cringe, false reporting / negative media, captivity, yandere ending sob??, and ill add more if i can think of more - and torture. I wont go indepth but ill mention it. …beastiality? Just remembered headbang. I dont think its said but ppl kinda see the implications of it i think. ..ive never played his route so i have no clue | is cucking a trigger??? I dont..>>>????? / sexual implications probably  | mentions of S/A. It doesnt happen but a character falsely accuses another to ruin their reputation, toxic relationships ]

thats it lmfao

what i was going to continue with:

jumin. so. you know that bad ending where you're basically kept in his house and he puts trackers in your shoes so you can only walk as far as like the kitchen away from him and doing so alerts him and shit?? and its played off as being some kinky shit i think but like hello? (also i think. it was either him or saeran, but we fuck in the basement he has trauma in??)

(i mean theres also the thing with his cat. the 'i'll treat you like my pet' or something like that line?? i dont remember. or zen having a dream that elizabeth his cat was running away so he locked her up even worse so then when he opened the door she ran??)

707 is the most story-depth i think, the one ppl consider canon. in which. crazy shit probably happens there with the obligatory kidnapping and bomb threat. i honestly cant remember i didnt even go to his page to check . altohugh i think theres an ending where saerans is like 'give me a hug'. 707 does. then saeran kills him. which. oof…. poor guy. or its revealed who their dad is and basically bad things happen i think?

saeran/ray/unknown. inaccurate depiction of mental disorders or something like that (not meant to offend with wording, but i can never remember the names of shit). it was like.. we first get to know ray whose the nicer one. and then there's saeran whose an absolute asshole. there was something like 'if you dont listen something bad will happen' (which is apparently something his mom said to him or something like that?) very sucky situation

V. cucking??? IDFK wtf

V's CELL?

DRUGGed. from. RAY's. TORTURE. okay. okay.

(someone explain to me whats going on in that ending where we're cucking, im so confused)

ah...

so. yknow. jaehee's route is significantly more tame. and relaxing. and stress relieving imo.

the end

[batnovauxx]

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∷ IM NICO!! im 19! huge nerd and i like to watch anime, Listen to music, Decorate!! and draw!!

∷ OK FUN FACTS : I LOVE ALIENS. Im a furry/therian (Wolf/Deer theiran, Considering cat therian aswell but idk) im mentally ill but getting help!! i have AUTISM & ADHD. I like NATURE and i want to be a nature photographer someday!

∷ my favs!!! (BIG INTERESTS HIGHLIGHTED!!) : SONIC , JJK, DUNGEON MESHI, CHAINSAW MAN, TBHK , MHA, OTHER TOTALLY AWESOME ANIMES ! SPARKLES + RAINBOWS, HOMESTUCK(loose interest but i love vriska lol!!) FNAF, WARRIOR CATS, ANIMAL JAM, ART, ROBLOX, PROJECT SEKAI, VOCALOID. SPECIFICALLY MIKU!! SPLATOON ANIMAL CROSSING NEW HORIZONS, CARTOONS LOL + EARLY 2000S STUFF TOO!!! i never shut up abt my interests but if you like the same stuff as me PLS FOLLOW MEE AND LETZ BE FRIENDS :]. ^_^

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^_^ ☆ ty for reading !! bye !! :33

[sleepkey]

having my mom need so much support and disability is so stressful to be around and has made existing harder than it usually is

told my dad i struggle on a good day

i keep having mental breaks

my only breaks are when i dissociate while playing games or listen to asmr falling asleep but even then i get smacked with reality constantly

its hard enough taking care of myself i am not built for this and the guilt is only making it harder

my mom has done so much for me and i cant do anything for her

i feel useless on top of it like i havent been eating but asking my dad to get me food isnt an option because he is constantly helping my mom... hes in his 70s and most of the work goes to him i dont want him to wear himself ragged because ill actually lose it if anything happens to him

i keep fantasizing about going down to the river to stare into the water and my paranoia says thats dangerous like im gonna do something dumb but realistically i just need out of the house

problem is as with doing literally anything i frankly dont have the energy

i can barely eat sleep or do anything more than the ABSOLUTE bare minimum

my will to live is being sucked out of me more and more by the day

i need out of here but anywhere else is too expensive and im poor

grateful i work from home so like i can mask it all to earn enough money to survive cuz if i still worked in store id be missing work

im just so lost and everything is a haze i can barely function

where can i turn is there a light at the end of the tunnel? is the rest of my life doomed to look like this until she passes away? i dont want to wish for her death but i see no other salvation...

wish someone would come save me but help is so far away (literally most of my friends are long distance and anybody nearby cant do anything of impact)

my dad is the only one i can find hope in but he has so much on his plate and at his age putting more on him makes me feel terrible

maybe im going around in circles but thats about how my brain has been lately. best i can do is survive and do what im told in ways that make the most minimal issues possible

id rather starve myself than be another burden

[adhbabey]

hope its ok im responding to ur post abt paych critical! it is so relatable! there are lots of things i appreciate abt the psych critical/antipsych community & movement but i also like. dont understand why in the world so many ppl are like overwhelmingly against therapy. obv it doesnt work for everyone! ik its not available or accessible for everyone! but its such a vast & varied field and such an adaptable thing that like. i don’t think i’ll ever get why ppl direct their anger towards those of us who *do* benefit from therapy or find it a useful tool for recovery. yknow. what good does infighting do!!! who does that serve!! this has turned into shouting into the void a little bit, sorry about that

Yeah it's fine. Honestly I'm pretty anti psych about a lot of things, like the fact that people are abused or mistreated in medical situations and that people are forced to take medication, have their rights stripped away, etc.

And I, too, hate that people call their partners by words taken from disorders. Like, you shouldn't call people "narcissistic" or "psychotic" as an insult. Pathologicizing abusers is just really fucking harmful and stupid. The whole thing is misunderstanding why those words exist in the first place and just scapegoating mentally ill people.

But this doesn't mean words like dissociation, triggers, panic attack, depression, manipulation, gaslighting, etc. don't have their purpose and it doesn't mean everyone is misusing them. And it is just stupid to assume everyone is, and that's the problem with some people who are anti-psych.

Some people view professional help and medical terms and diagnoses as bad, and it just makes them sound like the people they disagree with. I'm psych critical, not against helpful tools and professional treatment. They should be used with consent and with autonomy. Removing and gatekeeping information and resources is what's bad.

I'm extremely pro-self diagnosis. Partly because I am psych critical and partly because I think we have the intelligence to figure things out for ourselves. That crazy people aren't too crazy to know that they are "crazy". That we have the ability to recognize the fact that something is wrong.

Self diagnosing people aren't stupid for taking medical knowledge and applying it to themselves, they're not pathologicizing all human experiences, and I think that people who argue that are dumb.

So like. There is a middle ground that people aren't noticing, because they lean too heavily to one side. I can't function without medication, but I'm terrified of being institutionalized and my family is somewhat ableist, so I struggle to find an option to get help. I think most people on the internet have found themselves in similar situations.

So like, the whole "stop pathologizing human experience" and that people say "the tiktokification of the internet is bad", like bitch, we all loved Vine. The whole thing is just missing the understanding that people are striving for accessibility and education, not whoever the fuck that takes it too far.

So yeah, thanks for sending an ask to let me talk about this more. Therapy does not solve all your problems, especially if your therapist is not the right one. But it's something people should still try and seek. Maybe it's helpful, maybe it's not.

But the fact of the matter is, is that people are literally just using terms to understand their experiences. Sometimes they'll take it too far, but there is a middle ground. There will always be normal and reasonable opinions within it, we should listen.

[waluijoe]

friendships are too difficult. only got like three of them left and yet, it's a hassle. one of them is "ill hit u up whenever it benefits me and my time", okay, clear. another one is new and fun and we vibe very well but alas her sleeping schedule is so messy & we're both so chaotic that we can only do things together when she deems it so/makes it. but she shows me kindness i'd forgotten existed lmao like asking "how are you" or saying crazy shit like "i could've just helped you with that you know ?" (insane.) (pple like this exist ? fr)

third one is me being a therapist friend to a Very depressed person who doesn't listen to my advice and queries for them to see a therapist/psychiatrist, dumps their trauma/bad days/self hate on me and repeats them to anyone who will listen like my words & presence don't even matter at all, cuts me off often when i try to talk, ignores my words when that i try to bring up whats going on in my head, and constantly reminds me they have "no friends at all, no one" even though ive been here FOR YEARS adapting the way we work to make it fit and make it better, or to listen, or to laugh. and also yells/is a shit at their dog which triggers me and which i cannot escape if i wanna spend time with them. a beautiful combo. and of course i love them, and they're nice to me, and sometimes they tell me they appreciate me and i know they must mean it. but,,, like... its a lotttt idk how to act.

man all the people i've ever had as friends Hated themselves, or were su£cidal, or were heavily depressed/anxious. and me too like, i get the struggle so badly. but most of these people don't care to deal with me or my mental health at all, they don't ask how i've been, what i enjoy, what i do, & they share a lot of their heavy stuff with me all the time without asking, and they don't care that much to share other things&moments with me that much except to not be alone. and like. i'm a mess, and i'm not very healthy, and i'm pathetic most days, sure, but also i do deserve to be appreciated and known. and i want to appreciate and love my friends too. and i want to create stuff together, to lift each other up, or to try methods together and build something if we can. and i fled my family exactly due to being the therapist child, so having the exact same trauma responses/fleeing attitude/anxiety as i did with them now into my closest friendship fkcing Sucks ass. and i knooow its scary to go see a therapist, but like.. you have the mOney. you have the time. you have the ressources, and if you dont, i'll help youuuu. so just do yourself a favor right,,, i was the exact same of course i get it.

people really hate themselves sm that they go on to punish themselves from any type of help or break in the cycle like. pleaseeee listen to me, please do it for the tiny friend in your pocket or you from the future. fucking Call me to meditate until it works, i don't knooow, but coming in with the heavy heavy shit, and being like "no i cant do this with you right now" and LEAVING like im not a person with worry and feelings like heyyoooo you dumb bitch people love you actually don't be like that. be responsible !!! text me a "yo, doing better, watching tv, didnt off myself" idk we can be casual abt this right just be civil don't treat me like a dirty dog i swear

[goremet-chef]

i wish i existed for like. me? i think thats not coming across how i want but what im saying is right (ramble/rant)

im mentally ill like most people are hello mento illness community but ? ive spent a lot of time reflecting and adapting and ITS KINDA SAD ive just learned to co-exist with this shit even when there is technically some kind of cure somewhere. i remember my therapist told me i find too much comfort in my sadness and thats still true, but like. IDK im living still which is good

cuz ive spent so much time with self reflection i just get it bro 😭😭 i know how to handle other people with bpd pretty well, like. ill do things specifically NO MATTER WHO IT IS whether they have bpd or not i wanna make sure i dont accidentally give anyone RSD if i can help it yknow? pick my words carefully and i try my best to speak in a way that lets people know i want to include them cuz i feel excluded a lot

same with depression, obviously i dont have pretty tiktok depression ive got sleep for 12 hours dont take care of my body rot in my room type but i see it so???? ITS LIKE THAT ONE POST LIKE " 'people get so depressed they dont brush their teeth??? 😰' people get so depressed they kill themselves" LIKE.. ITS CRAZY SKJFSF its just the sad reality with all mental illness, if its not aesthetic and if yr displaying negative symptoms, people arent activists anymore, they dont really care. theyll degrade and dehumanize you just like everyone else

SO i do my best to make sure ? idk i GET IT, so i want to make sure if anyone feels that way, they know i wont degrade them either, that i wont feel disgusted with them or what have you

I JUST WISH THAT LIKE. lord knows i dont want to be friends with myself ew that guy sucks but sometimes i wish the people around me felt more like i do. my family does just think im disgusting even when i explain i dont have the energy to even move sometimes, im constantly suppressing my sadness, rage, even my joy. constantly holding my mouth shut whenever something upsets me and makes me feel rejected cuz i know no one is gonna understand unless they go through what i go through

cuz i know how tiring it is, idk i just want other people to know that i see you and yr not awful for being mentally ill. really tired of all the stigma surrounding various mental disorders cuz it like. it seems like it never goes away???? no matter how much systems scream about DID rep in media it never gets any better (the best example i can think of in recent is moon knight and that still has its flaws), no matter how many bpd support groups there are people still think yr an abuser the second they hear you have it, same with npd and honestly all the cluster b disorders. the seriousness of depression and anxiety is often overlooked, autism and adhd are either glamorized like hell or completely looked down upon, its so. dumb

the problem is, once they learn you are mentally ill in some way, you no longer have a voice. because yr crazy and why should they listen to you? thats how they feel basically. they see us as like. subhuman?? not well enough to make our own decisions apparently, which is so sad and so fucked up. instead of helping you cope with these problems, they just strip away yr humanity. so if they wont make us feel welcome, i can at least do my part to make other people feel welcome, yknow?

i just wish that people would do that for me 😔 no one ever disputes that im disgusting or lazy, they always shit on me for being so anxious and paranoid, like my entire existence is a burden on the people i know. the only way to not feel like that is if i never share my mental issues to begin with, which has its own problems. i do have some people who treat me well despite my flaws, but a majority dont. guess thats just reality for people like me

[cardboardslugs]

I did some searching because I didn't want to ask on ao3 and potentially spoil anyone, hope that's ok! I wanted to know if you would be ok with sharing the the plot map for Schrödinger's Murder, and/or what you mean about the chapter with Chihiro's parents containing extreme foreshadowing? Hope this isn't too invasive, and I can completely respect if you want everything to be a surprise for everyone!

HEY ANON I WANT TO KISS YOU HOTLY AND WETLY ON THE MOUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Im gonna give you BOTH of your requests, and then some, BUT!!! under the cut bc I also respect the fact some people wanna stay surprised!!! SERIOUS TWs for body horror; sexual assualt; mental illness; physical assualt; euthanasia; and all other tags found on my ao3 fic!!!

SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT!!!!

OCTOBER 2ND, 2024 EDIT: this plot map is entirely outdated. Some of what is in here is still mostly accurate to what is going to happen. most of it is not. Plots change. the Ending hasnt.

let me establish something before I continue: DR3 the anime did not fucking happen, In this fic. i am going complete and total pre-spike chunsoft sole-aquisition. Nanami was never a real person, Chihiro did not get nerfed by becoming two different characters, and Ryota Mitari does not Fucking Exist. Everyone was manipulated the hard way, Junko is not a tactical mastermind, shes a dumb model with an axe to grind and her dead boyfriend's stolen research notes. lets move on.

okay so, from the point we're at, plot map goes as follows:

Kirigiri has a theory. she's listening to Byakuya and Chihiro recount stories. Hands makoto a bat "Im going to need you to hit me across the head as hard as you physically can. no holding back. dont worry about it."

everyone arguing in the nurses office, chihiro loudly asserting everyone needs to go for a bath. Naked. Completely fucking naked gloves and all miss kirigiri-san!!!!

Byakuya flat out refuses. Toko refuses. Kirigiri refuses. "oh three possible murderers refusing, that's not suspect at all" "none of us murdered anyone. Chihiro's right there" "i am in fact alive. but that's not the point, dumbfucks." AUDIBLE GASPING AT CHIHIRO SWEARING

chihiro manages to convince them all to take a bath. some its more like "gentle persuasion" (sakura throws them in the tub).

Mondo, Chihiro has to drag him there by the ear. also have three other people go with him, because he's been alone in his room for 5 days after now finding chihiro alive, and hes trying to commit die.

"whyd you say you wanna be strong? I would have helped you if thats the case!" "i didnt say stong?? who told you that? I said *masculine*. not strong. that's exactly why i didnt ask you, sakura. it wound be an insult upon insults! im not that foolish!! why would I ever come to a woman for help being a man?!" "... well, great, now I *really* wanna kill myself!!" "sit down oowada, not as bad as I do." "what does that mean?!" "...dont worry about it-"

"great. now that you're all caught up, I need every last one of you to take medium head trauma" "The only thing i have become convinced of is that chihiro is fucking insane. I think mercy killing is in order, lets draw straws" "LISTEN TO ME YOU BRAINDEAD COWS!"

cut to junko enoshima having a very horrible no good day. after a very shitty phone call with kamukura, she's planning to off chihiro her damn self.

class 77 is ballin- by which to say they have been in the building the whole time and theyre feelin the hope baybee!! theyre making plans to ensure Junkos next trial goes south, if 78 cant fuck her up on their own. Peko comes back with news from the bath house, and lies about it to enoshima.

No one with any functional functional braincells agrees to get wacked over the head. Gundam neatly arranges for ceiling tiles and other objects on high shelves to fall for seemingly no reason. :) must be ghosties :) totally not tiny gods what are you talking about :)

junko had given a phone call to kamukura earlier. kamukura is rounding up the hit list victims before getting them out of there before any real harm can come to them. shoves them in a place he'll be able to keep them safe until something good comes- and as a master tactian, he's keeping an eye on the TV. theyre all in bad shape though, bears are not cool fun things. Funny how hope works!! Komaeda Nagito is practically creaming himself. Also is getting his shins beaten in with wiffle bats while making pbj sandwiches for some very bratty chidren of hope.

meanwhile, the gig is up for junko. and NOBODY is happy. junko's plan falls apart at the seams and she got rid of her insurance policy WAY too early. funny how quickly the monokuma bots will turn when she's not in control of them. The ending does not bring her the "despair" she desires-- because she has never experienced actual despair a day in her god forsaken life.

everyone brings their ass to safety, and Byakuya founds the Future Foundation with what's left of reasonable humanity-- but with all the people who got out alive before some REALLY bad shit happened; celebrations are in order. ahh yes. class 77 being the party cat comic once again.

happy 77/78 reunion time!! until they realize that at least half of 77 is HORRIBLY disfigured from things they did to themselves in the name of faux-despair terrorism. Nidai has become terribly weak from his heart condition that he had stopped taking his meds for. Fuyhikos eye is completely gouged out. Ibuki's head is shaved n burned and she has a hard time speaking because she took a chunk out of her tongue and drank a lil bleach, "just a tiny bit!!". Imposter is rail thin, could actually pass for Byakuya if someone bothered to check weight. Mahiru has several chemical burn scars from using photo development equipment as bombs. Mikan going on a full-blown panic attack self-harm-spree, and Kazuichi ate radium.

Chihiro, having remembered how close he was to Kazuichi, is particularly distraught over what's become of him. Chihiro, in all the strength he doesn't have, weakly pounds at kaz's arm-- and instantly breaks it. Chihiro has a breakdown. Kazuichi is not seen for several days, despite people looking for him. He's out eating more radium to speed up the process of it killing him.

Byakuya finally finds Souda and they talk for a little. Kazuichi's skin is sloughing off from him trying to wipe his tears. byakuya promises to take care of chihiro for him. kaz says his jaw hurts. byakuya makes a snide comment, and as kazuichi goes to rub his temples- his jaw quite literally falls off his face. Byakuya has no choice but to call for help- when he finally gets someone on the line, Kazuichi has brought Byakuya to a pipe wrench begging (as much as he can with virtually no tongue) to kill him. Fortunately, it's kirigiri and she's just meeting a hope-filled hinata- andHinata says, with kamukura knowledge, at the point he's describing, if that's how Souda wants to go, so be it.

Chihiro has no idea what happened when they basically come back with Souda's mangled body parts in an amazon box, but distraught is a VERY weak word for it. Byakuya had recorded their conversation, prior to having to call help. hearing Kaz talk doesnt make chihiro feel *good*, but it does put some of his fears at ease.

and the recovery ward is feeling okay enough for guests, at that point!! Kanon is fucking pissed but she and maizonos bitch can go suck my dick this aint about them!!!

good fun family time baybeeeee!!! everyone is excited to see their Most Important Person. there is full blown sob fests. Celestia Ludenberg looks like a KISS oc from ugly crying about her cat. the yamada siblings assert their position as pop team epic. Taka is buttmad only at staff that they saved his father from a stroke. Kenshiro is impressed with sakura. Aoi is about to introduce her brother and is immeadiately shocked sakura has a boyfriend. Pennysworth and Taichi are in a weird argument, that both of them drop upon seeing their respective kids again. Chihiro is just happy to see his dad after such a rough time.

"you're in pants, for once!" "y-yeah. yeah I am." "... I'm not one for praise to others; but you raised a strong son, Mr. Fujisaki" ".. thank you, togami. He's quite the handsome young man, too." Chihiro is openly sobbing. i need to be normal.

the world is starting to be rebuilt. everyone is getting therapy. *EVERYONE*. Byakuya realizes the ENTIRE togami empire fell- and beats the name to plowshears. The chick in that egg is finally out; her name is Polaris P. Polanski and she starts E. conincidentally the same day Chihiro starts T. three years have passed since Kazuichi's funeral, Gundam and sonia are in a stable relationship- literally, they spend most of their time trying to repopulate animals. (BA DUM TSSS) lots of people are getting the medical help they need, Nidai's gotten a heart transplant, Nagito has his AIDS under control, other people are starting to get rehomed; komaru and toko are the very first to get that luxury simply to keep Syoko (a moniker picked up by fukawa to reclaim her own humanity) away from Polaris at all costs. makoto is going ham with pet projects- by which to say he is finally introducing the warriors of hope back into the adults. theyre about 8 or 9 at this point.

theyre still their very own family unit, and they desperately want monaka to move forward with them. Monaka does not want this, for herself or for others. she actively harms people any way they can when she's allowed to see them. has shanked people with colored pencils.

i have to put this in another block, tumblr hates me and I am VERY wordy.

all of the adults try to talk reason into her. there is no reason to be talked into. she even got to live with komaeda and hajime for a month, and not even that proved to get anywhere, and Komaeda had to get a blood transfusion halfway through because of monaca. All the department heads agree, though with a lot of hemming and hawing, espicially from chihiro-- some people are too far gone, and cannot be saved.

Chihiro asks (and gets) to sit with Monaca while she is executed. she's supposed to not know. She Knows. She's a smart little shithead. She tries to stab Chihiro to death while poison very slowly works its way through her bloodstream. Thank god she's 10 and he's been working out a whole lot. She takes off half his tit though, and it gives him an excuse to get top. Chihiro is never sitting with anyone while they forcfully die again.

the kids go through another 6 months of therapy to process what just happened- though to be frank, they had gotten over her nonsense a while ago, and don't feel much after about only two months. they come to the conculsion it'll probably effect them more as young adults.

the kids are assigned to families via makoto. Taka and Mondo arent dating, but with how/how much they bicker, they might as well be married. they get joint custody daimon, who needs good male figures in his life who wont hurt him. Syoko and Komaru, lesbians extraordinaire, get Kotoko. SA victims help SA victims. syoko teaches her all the best places to stab men if they ever try to put their hands on her. several people go to the hopital for it. shes 10!! its deserved!! chihiro gets jataro. Taichi and Chihiro and Jataro are basically 3 peas in a pod, and they really love fostering Jataros interests and helping him learn healthy coping mechanisms for his autism. Polaris gets Nagisa. "both of you need to learn how to be kids for once!" "what the hell is that supposed to mean." "watch your tongue." "dont tell me what to do" "see? this is what i mean. go sneak into the food stores! get the sticks out of your asses and live a little!! take some inspiration from Mondo or something."

they do. polaris finds out she has a horrible addiction to goldfish crackers. Chihiro now uses them as a bribe, scooby snack style. Nagisa discovers what a food coma is. polaris and nagisa continue to be silly and have fun and play.

the kids function as additional therapy for all of the people who care for them, as well as therapy for the kids.

antics ensue!! the kids all play pranks get in trouble, grow up a bit more. polaris and chihiro are fucking, thinking about getting married, maybe owning up to a promise of their own to Polanski's dead father. Taka has learned fully what aromantic asexuality is and is comfortable in that indentity. Mondo feels lost without a partner, but his right hand man from the gang is always there for him, and he loves his son. Syoko is not allowed back at the foundation, but Komaru and Makoto meet up frequently, and kotoko always slips little pieces of Polaris to her mom. trouble is brewing under the surface-- its not despair, but Junko would be thrilled.

this is where the forshadowing in chapter 6 starts to become fully realized.

while taka's dad has always been a shithead about not only his own son, but also chihiro, taichi has had enough of it while theyre out getting some air and a few people are smoking. there is a large and serious old man fight. Taichi, by making Takaki KO, objectively wins, but not without doing some serious damage to himself.

taka is absolutely THRILLed that his father got his ass handed to him. he aslo does not visit his dad. fuck that. "Taichi Fujisaki got in a fight with my father because he said me, chihiro and jataro should all die by our own hands? the only reason i would be mad at mr fujisaki at this point is if my father isnt dead from this fight. Taichi is more my father than that man is."

taichi is visited by his son, his sons girlfriend (who is weathering an engagement ring in her pocket), and his sons girlfriend's butler in the hospital ward. Taichi Fujisaki as a very clear brand mark on his back between his shoulderblades- one that is extremely old and must have been seared into him in his youth-- and it says "Togami" in Kanji. Chihrio is confused, Polaris is frozen in fear, and Pennysworth is yelling a name neither of them recognize, but Taichi visibily shrinks to.

FUN BACKSTORY TIME OF HOW TAICHI FUJISAKI ESCAPED BEING A TOGAMI, CHANGED HIS IDENTITY, TOOK THE CASH AND RAN!! ("and that, chihiro, is why your mom always joked about extra broccoli." "you convinced mom that those kanji meant ADD BROCCOLI?!" "she couldnt read kanji and you never saw my back!! It worked out fine! unitl now, I guess--")

suddenly polaris doesnt feel so good about the engagement ring in her pocket-- even if in any other culture it is absolutely not weird to marry your estranged step-grand-cousin. Pennysworth is just thrilled to see his first Togami child again. Polaris thinks shes going to be sick over it, has a panic attack-- actually, much worse- a psychotic break. brought on by trauma. she's cold and snappy, and demands to not be called Polaris, "that girl is dead and has been dead for years. My name is Byakuya Togami, damnit!" Chihiro's in actual shock.

MEANWHILE!!! Jataro has finally been confident enough to be taking his mask off, and has gone for his first physical. He makes mention of what he knows about his mother-- and says right out that he killed her. He only knows her as one "Jean Mullen. but Mullen's a stupid name, So i said i dint have one and Junko helped me pick Kemuri." He mentions that if his real father is out there after having left his birthgiver for dead, he's angry, and if he were to meet him in his current state, Jataro feels confident he could kill him, too. Hajime is the doctor running this; and the name seems familiar to him, but he's not quite sure. he runs blood tests against every person he has in the system. and hajime is about to have to give the worst news of his life. but not before jataro shows them exactly where the dead, frozen body of his mom is.

Taichi Fujisaki had a tall, red-headed wife named "Gwendolyn Jeanette Mullen-Fujisaki". Chihiro and Jataro get along more like an older brother to a much younger sibling. Gwen had a horrible habit of verbally, and very occasionally physically, lashing out if she was denied her coping mechanisms. During the end of the world- the last thing she did was make love to her husband one last time! She did not know she would get pregant. or survive to see the baby born. or even get to know if her husband and son were alive!! so face to face in the end of the world with this terrible little infant who looked exactly the way chihiro should have? she became a terrible, terrible mother.

a now dead terrible single mother. who taichi and chihiro have to confirm the indentity of. Jataro does not understand why chihiro is having such a meltdown. "Polaris" is FURIOUS that not only was she never actually the sole heir(ess?) - this now discovered branch of her family is the Fujisakis and they've got a whole BUNCH of weird shit going on!!!!

Chihiro and Taichi privately talk with Jataro's therapist. he works through it because he's old enough (15) to realize and recognize that "hey, i didnt know I would have been concieved at the same time this horrible, world changing event happened, and my dad didn't walk out because my mom sucked- my dad didnt walk out at all! my dad got kidnapped!! and now he's right here with my older brother!!! and my ... step mom step cousin sister in law??? Where's Miss Polaris, anyways?" "........ sister in law?!" "did she pussy out" "excuse me!?!"

"Byakuya" runs from the situation. ends up staying for a little bit in the same building (now very well renovated) where Kazuichi passed. Chihiro stays with Gundam and Sonia to try to ease the hurt of the past two weeks, where Polaris has been distant and cold with him, even forgetting and seeming much more like the man she was at hopes peak to her classmates than the woman he knows and loves

taka pulls the plug on his dad, who has sustained enough injuries that Taka can finally justify it. Takaki goads and eggs Taka into doing it the whole time-- heavy on the sarcasm; and Taka doesn't understand, just knows it hurts and is in a tone that other hurtful words have been delivered by. "go ahead!! you want daddy to save you all this damn time?! do it! you fuckin wont let me!" --Some people are not worth saving. He cries to mondo about it, how he didnt know he could do such a thing, that if his father was worth saving, why would he be? Mondo comes tothe conclusion that sometimes, saving someone is the bravest thing you really can do. sometimes, you're really lucky if someone else you love will look out for you. sometimes- the bravest and strongest way to save yourself, is to sacrifice a life that hurts you like no other. "he left you a legacy- that doesnt mean you gotta do soemthing stupid to get yourself to not take it. sometimes, you just have to say no, n leave it behind."

Syoko, well healed and still on the mend, getting information about what's going on with her old flame from her kid and her three weird "brothers"-- go out and find Byakuya. exactly where she thought they'd be.

"youre not supposed to be here. God why are you so ancient?!" "you looked in a mirror lately? plus this isnt foundation property and You need some serious help" ".. when did i get breasts?!" "five years ago." "how long have we been out of that school?!!" "about 7 or 8 years." "Why are you the rational one here, you're a serial killer!!" "formerly, yes. turns out that seven or eight years of therapy 5 days a week does wonders for hurt little kids who have to dissociate to be able to cope with the terrible things that were forced upon them" "..." "like being an adult too early, being sexually assulated multiple times, physical and emotional abuse, no friends, scars that serve as physical reminders-" "stop talking like you know me." "I was only talking about myself. if you saw you in those statements, thats not something I can control." "... I dont recognize the people I'm with." "yeah, that was another common one." "..what about suddenly showing up places you dont remember going?" "... yeah. that one too." "... I wanna go home, Touko." "End of the world, White Knight! Home is where ever you want it to be now. Where the heart is, as some novels would have you believe." "... can we hug?" "Not a single fucking chance in the world dipshit, I still know where arteries are and i WILL stab you if you try. I also have no desire to go anywhere near foundation grounds." ".. you can come back. you're... clearly doing much better." "are you going to remember you said that?" "likely not. I also dont remember how to get back." "how about I bring you back and i talk to your shrink?" "perhaps the best idea."

Polaris gets therapy for bigger and more pervasive issues, part 2 electric boogaloo. Her family becomes real, and central, and loves and cares about her. it's not a contest, anymore.

She goes to finally propose to chihiro. chihiro beats her to it out on the same date. they laugh about the rings.

everyone lives happily ever after.

[avo-kat]

2022 has been, surprisingly, the best year of my life so far. and I’m 31.

i had some very bad times, i struggled with depression and social phobia since i was a young teen, i’ve harmed myself in multitude ways and i came close to killing myself a few times.

im still here and im feeling the best and its only getting better.

theres a lot of asks on the internet along the nature of, what would you tell your younger self if you could?

and i found my answer. yeah, its cheesy, but: it gets better. it does. im the proof. ive been so very, incredibly, despairingly bad. i never believed i’d make it past 25. i literally could not imagine a future. especially not a future where i learned to live with myself AND love myself.

and i do. i absolutely love myself. i love who i am. with all my faults, with all my quirks, with all my annoying behaviors, with all my scars and all the bits and pieces society tells me i should hate about me. i love myself.

im not completely “cured”. i dont know if that is possible. i still struggle with things, there are still many things that scare me and that i dont dare to do. but it gets with each and every day. every day is a success, and every success makes the next step easier. i dont think ill ever stop having depression or social anxiety, but at this point in my life? my depression is at the lowest, ever. my standard day-to-day mood is neutral. its neutral. its not sad. its not depressed. its not despaired. its fucking neutral. i no longer dread getting up each and every day.

i wake up, get up and im looking forward to the day. im looking forward to do fun things, eat yummy stuff and just be alive and exist.

it gets better. but it takes work. the single most important thing for me was therapy. yeah. it helps. therapy helped me go from acutely suicidal to no longer wanting to kill myself. a huge, huge, huge fucking success. and therapy gave me tools for self-improvement.

it sounds silly, but those little tricks help. talk to yourself kindly, always. the biggest thing for me was to stop negative self-talk. it will still happen, but just let it go. ignore it, dont ponder on it, roll your eyes at those dumb things and think to yourself firmly “no, that is not true. im good. im kind. im nice. im funny. i deserve to live and to be happy. with all my faults and all my strengths.” it works, honestly.

(and yes, exercise and fresh air helps too, sorry! :D go stretch!!!)

anyway, back to 2022: WHAT A GREAT YEAR, WOW!

here my personal 2022 wrapped:

- put up wallpaper and painted my whole apartment, on my own, wow!

- got a cat, wow!

- got back together with my abusive ex but also broke up with him again and its almost 2023 and ive got not desire to get back to them, nice!

- went to a concert alone, amazing!

- went swimming by myself, such fun!

- bought a standing desk which i admittedly only used thrice for standing but is nice for adjusting height while sitting too!

- successfully made my favourite cake thats a bit difficult to do several times, so yummy!

- got diagnosed with ADHD and started taking meds (im off them currently again, i can deal okay-ish but i want to get back on)!

- found new music/artists that i love to listen to!

- celebrated my 2 year vegan anniversary and 2 years living by myself and doing a banging job about it! :)

- went on walks, managed to relax more and do more fulfilling things on the weekend instead of just mindlessly browsing, aw yeah!

- managed to drill holes into the walls to hang up my pinboard (has been waiting for 2 years), nice!

- discovered THREE whole new hobbies that i LOVE: needle felting, needle punch and embroidery! such stabbery! (hobbies, esp those you do with your hands are amazing for your self-esteem & mental health!)

(at least half of these can be attributed to being diagnosed with adhd and me finally knowing how to deal with the things im struggling with, hooray!)

happy 2022! happy holidays! happy slide into the next year folks!!!!

[lettersfrombeyondthegrave]

no okay i need to tell yall ab that guy. and more importantly how fucking much of a coward and a blind mfer i am.

yes im obsessing over a guy ill never see again thats beside the POINT. and theres a small chance id see him in a future convention in the next years, so. like, i see hot people all the time, yk thart dumb stereotype of ace ppl being cold and shit? ya no i am not interest in fucking but i am a bi mess at heart. falling in love every 3 fucking seconds. and i remember those cool ppl for a while but he, yk the butterfly thing? ya, that, im getting that, so i gotta get this off my chest.

so like, you know how fairs are, you got the tables with people seeling stuff and what not, he was in this one together with another person that was selling genshin related stuff and like i think they were paired cus they both got an anime art style and also just the vibes?

idk anyway they were also selling pride flag stickers. we're talking alt style person so he was dresed mostly all black and he had this sick ass eye makeup on, think new batman movie but more edgy mixed with like the people that like to cosplay vikings so they put a fuckton of black eyeshadow around their eyes but the borders were spikey like when people do corpse paint. i dont have time for a ms paint rendition so use your goddamn imagination

so we go to the table/booth? is that considered a booth? idfk, i get a genshin pin from the other person, the classmate i was with got a pride flag sticker from him and you gotta take in consideration, im not a backpack girlie. i stopped years ago putting them bitches on both of my shoulders, no i dont know how i havent developed scoliosis yet so its been a year i just bought a shoulder bag big enough to be annoying but not enough to put everything in.

listen totebags are cool but i need pockets and more space, im sorry. i think we need to address the fact that the straps dig into my shoulders and there's seriously not enough space. so he says something like "cool/nice bag" and i dont hear him at the start cus fair=music and voices going on and like bro was majestic so i needed few secs anyway to process what he could possibly say to my dumbass and im like ah thanks and mentally go into gay panic as we walk away to go look at other stuff. and the contact cards thingies with websites, social accounts etc.? ya i started collecting them so everytime i got to these events i take one from each and every person but i dont read them mostly in the moment and OMG I SHOULD HAVE.

because with this mfer? i never talked again for the rest of the event. yk when your eyes go back to someone in particular in a crowd? ya that. i do that alot. i did that a lot. but not talking, not approaching people, just like "you look so cool and interesting to me rn but i am not socially skilled so ill just admire you from here in a way i hope you wont notice cus this is not a romcom and id dig myself a grave. why do i say i should have read the little contact thing? yall, his account nicknames contained the word killjoy. i could have fucking went "oh killjoy? is it some reference to mychem?" AND I COULD HAVE DONE TWO MORE SECONDS OF CONVO. second reason why i should have: to check his socials and see whats the vibe NOT in a stalker way like those ppl that fucking spend weeks reconstricting the entire life of some guy. and if i checked his social, i would have found out he's a ftm person.

now, i talked about blindness at the start. because i fucking looked at this guy, dressed like that, literally selling pride stickers, most common white transmasc haircut ever and i was like "ya thats just a metal straight man i guess" I AM A FUCKING IDIOT "oh but what would have changed if you knew he had the trans swag" nothing but it's fucking HARD even when you're in art school finding people more similar to you in THAT sense, its like yo, i know a bit of whats like going through that. and also i wasnt expecting it cus he just fucking passed so good? like his confidence and attitude felt so much like just something a cis guy has, walking around the world, it's the type of shit that you dont feel like you could ever obtain? idk if im making sense rn, but ifykyk. its also just fuckky i was so fucking blind like no bestie!! mfer is in the community you're just an idiot.

so ya, morale of the story i need to learn how to socialize in the most basic way, im not even talking about flirting, just fucking normal comunication goddamn it.

also that bag gets me always compliments and i don't use all the potential its "attractive people magnet" power has, as demonstrated by this anecdote.

[kirkwallsquad]

not me genuinely considering moving bcs i feel like my friends here don’t like me all that much lmfao

[reidsnose]

love letters

overview: spencer has a wonderful idea after finding out that reader had never gone to her senior prom

genre: fluff fluff fluff

a/n: i mixed two ideas that have been sitting in my notes app for this lol but i think its sweet!! i wrote it a little rushed and definitely not bc im not getting a prom this year due to miss rona👀 LMAO but as always please lmk what yall think ab it :)

masterlist

-

the idea had fully occupied his thoughts the second after the words left your mouth.

it was "the buttcrack of dawn" as you had called it, though spirits were high on the late jet ride home. it was a rare but much needed positive end to the case, and everyone was happily chatting with each other. since the case was involving high schoolers, the subject fell on prom. everyone went around sharing their prom stories one by one, recalling awful dresses and questionable dates til the questions turned to spencer.

"what ab you, pretty boy, what was your prom like?" morgan asked, still smiling widely from recalling his own.

you watched spencer shift uncomfortably for a second.

"i uh..i never went to prom." he stammered, a tight lipped smile on his face.

"no! you just dont wanna tell us!" prentiss cried, throwing her hands in the air.

"i graduated high school when i was 12! why would i have gone to prom?" he reasoned.

"you had to have gone when you were older or something! everyone has!" jj countered.

"thats not true, i never went to prom either," you defended, subconsciously inching closer to spencer.

before anyone could even ask you to explain why, spencer got the idea. he mentally left the conversation after you gave your answer. he spent the whole rest of the ride home and the next couple of weeks brain storming and planning.

and casually after work one day, as he was walking you to your car, he asked you if you wanted to hang out with him that weekend; at his house.

you and Spencer had hung out before, but mostly at your house or at coffee shops; he didn't invite people over very often.

of course you agreed but you grew confused when he told you to dress fancy.

you raced home afterwards to raid your closet, looking for any fancy dresses you may have stuffed in there.

spencer spent the whole day preparing his apartment. he put up streamers and balloons. he made a playlist of all your favorite songs. and then he rushed to get his clothes from the cleaners.

and when you knocked at his door the breath that left your lungs struggled to come back after he opened the door.

he stood in a gorgeous suit, different than he had ever worn to work. he rubbed the back of his neck and gestured to the living room, revealing the adorable (albeit poorly made but its the thought that counts) decorations.

"um.. welcome to prom," he said, turning back to you, revealing a blushy smile.

he tried not to stare too much at you, but it was difficult. your eyes sparkled as you stepped inside and looked around. and the dress you were wearing fit you so gorgeously he truly couldnt take his eyes off of you.

"spencer, i..." you trailed off, enchanted by what he had done.

"sorry if it looks bad. or if you think its weird that i did this. i just thought cause neither of us went to prom maybe you wanted to have a little one with me? yeah now that i say it out loud maybe you hate it im sorr-" he rambled behind you.

you turned quickly to him as he got lost in his words, eyes glued to the floor. cutting him off by wrapping your arms around his neck and hugging him as tight as you could. you could feel the tension leave his body as he melted into the embrace, returning it gladly. he doesn't like to be touched by anyone really, except for you.

"i love it. thank you," you whispered, giving him one last squeeze before letting go.

he has a spread of snacks lying out on the coffee table which he has mooved to the corner of the room to make space for a makeshift dancefloor.

he turns on the music and you two start talking and dancing and laughing. two fools with four left feet completely and obliviously in love. well, oblivious the the other anyway.

a slower song came on, an old one that you had wanted to slow dance to ever since you were a little girl. and somehow naturally you two came together, his hand dropped to your waist, the other delicately cradling your own. your other hand found its way up to his shoulder, feeling as though a magnet was pulling you two closer. and closer.

he looked absolutely stunning. the soft lights he had strung around the apartment sparkled like stars in his eyes; its was...dizzying, in the most incredible way.

unbeknownst to you, as you stared at the stars in his eyes he was looking at his whole world that he had been somehow lucky enough to hold in his arms.

he held his arm out, allowing you to spin and when he pulled you back both of your arms ended up wrapped around his neck, and his around your waist. you were less dancing now and more...hugging. with your head pressed to his chest, he hoped with all his might that you wouldn't be able to hear his hammering heart. you most definitely could, but it was calming to know he was as nervous as you were. you smiled, listening more to his heart than the music he had played for you.

you were both sure that you could burst from pure bliss. the song ended a little too quickly for either of your liking and reluctantly you let go of each other. and suddenly Spencer was hit with the realization that he forgot something.

"oh my gosh," his eyes widened as he looked around the room.

"what?" you asked, mirroring him and looking as well.

"i can't remember where i left your corsage! i was gonna give it to you at the door but i forgot!" he exclaimed, running around the room checking shelves.

you smiled to yourself. he got you a corsage!

"ill help you look" you decided.

"please do," he chuckled.

"i thought you had an eidetic memory, shouldn't you know where you left it?" you joked, shooting him a smug smile.

"y/n, my brain was all jumbled to day and it wasn't just from being around you," he realized what he had said and quickly turned back to the shelf he was looking at, "could you check in my room please?"

his heart was racing at his own stupidity; how could he just say that so nonchalantly? he had been planning to tell you that he liked you for the longest time he cant afford slipping up and having it be anything less than perfect.

you slipped into his room, your cheeks warm from the idea that you make his big brain all jumbled. he probably didn't mean it like that, you were just looking too much into it.

you sighed as you crouched to look under his bed for it. you found a small wooden box that you slid out from underneath. it had your name on it.

is it normal to keep a corsage in a wooden box? you wouldn't know, you never went to prom.

you shrugged your shoulders, "i found it spence!"

with out thinking you opened the box, except instead of a band of flowers you were greeted with letters, all addressed to you. there were annotations written in the margins with purple ink. you furrowed your eyebrows as you scanned the various letters.

dear y/n,

today you complimented my glasses and my heart skipped a beat. thats dumb spencer dont start like that

dear y/n,

im in love with you. too forward

dear y/n,

you make life worth living. shes gonna think youre a creep

you felt a rush of euphoria fill your chest. did he really feel these things for you? your thoughts swirled in the most wonderful way. a wide smile broke across your face, butterflies running rampage through your stomach as you reread his words. his words addressed to you.

"oh thank God i really thought i lost-oh. oh no." spencer started as he walked through the door of his room immediately walking back out. you followed, blinking your watery eyes at him. "i can explain.

"i think youve explained enough, theres like 20 letters in here!" you chuckled, flipping through them.

"i didnt know how to tell you and i dont want to ruin what we already have and i-"

"it wasnt too forward." you stated, grabbing one of the letters.

"what?" he asked, dumbfounded.

"in this one," you held up the letter, "you wrote dear y/n, im in love with you. and then you crossed it out and wrote that it was too forward but i dont think it was."

"youre not mad?"

"mad? spencer ive been trying to admit the fact that im in love with you since i realized it myself, why would i be mad?"

"youre..you feel the same way?" he looked back up at you, a hesitant smile pulling on the corners of his lips.

"more so," you beamed, stepping closer.

he wrapped his arms around you, "thats good or else the rest of this prom would have sucked."

you chuckled, pulling him impossibly closer to you as another perfect song played.

-

-

ultra mega super cool taglist

@mac99martin @imhreid @spencersmagic @hollydaisy23 @raelady1184 @a-broken-pact @padfootswife @hey-there-angels @star-stuff-in-the-cosmos @sonnydoesrandomshit @averyhotchner @laurakirsten0502 @reidyoulikeabook @rem-ariiana @spencerreid9 @vampire-overlord @takeyourleap-of-faith @spenxerslut @violetspoetic @aperrywilliams @b-a-utiful @eevee0722 @srhxpci @reidemandweep @imdefinitelyfloating @random-human-person @gurkiloni @luvspence @calm-and-doctor @ssavanessa22 @singularityjc @sydnee-kom-spacekru @sydneekomspacekru

[wheredarknessarises]

long post ahead (just a sea of thoughts)...

a couple days ago i had a fight with my partner and i said a lot of mean things i didn’t mean to. i was full of rage but as the day was ending i went to see him. he hugged me and i melted. i apologized for hurting him.

“we hurt each other unintentionally” is what he said and it struck to me. he was right we both hurt each other without knowing and end up fighting. i’m glad i made up with him that day too.

unfortunately, my day ended up being fine but his. didn’t. he had another issue that i can’t be a help of.

it has been two?three days? maybe more, i lost count, since we conversed properly. it hurts, a lot. but what can i do? i’m just a twenty three year old girl living with her parents with absolutely no freedom and is reviewing for her board exam. there wasn’t really anything i could do for him. i cant go to him, do you expect me to go to him in the middle of the night to console him? as much as my heart desire to, I CAN’T. 

good thing he had friends that can listen to him and be with him. it is a good thing right? but why do i feel so envious? why do i feel so left out? i wanted to be the one consoling him, the one he shares his problems, his laughter, to be by his side until everything is okay. fck. just fck my life.

i’ve been feeling so tired physically, mentally, and emotionally. what a great combination isn’t it. tired from my effing errands yesterday and i think my bloody ass strong pain reliever still has its effects on me until now (it made me vomit last night too, my hotshots all wasted). i slacked off from reviewing today, i just slept the whole fcking day. my partner’s been updating me which i appreciate but all i could say was “okay love, i love you more” and thats it very unusual of me. 

then i realized what i was feeling, what i actually am. i am a jealous selfish bitch who wants her partner all by herself and want to be included all the time and fix others problem so she will feel better too. thats who i am. am i proud of it? no, of course not, thats why i am writing this sht as post for me to realize what i really am (writing is my coping mechanism im sorry guys)

i cant accept the fact that my partner after so many yrs has friends to rely on that arent my friends as well. that he’s able to laugh again because of them and on those days that we havent been talking he was with them. i havent seen him for months, i havent been able to vidcall with him, talk to him, spend time with him virtually while they were. i fcking envy them, i am the girlfriend but i am absent on his difficult time i dont even know what the problem is and i respect him if he cant tell me right now because we have our own fcking problems we want to deal with by ourselves. but since i am a selfish bitch i always wanna know i wanna know i want to be there i want to be the shoulder he cries on i want to be the one he’s with drinking his night away. but im not, and its never gonna be me unless i leave this fcking house. right now, its just not me. and i have to accept that but it doesnt me i cant be hurt because i accepted it right?

oh and i just remembered, i wrote him a fcking letter last night, it was national boyfriends day yesterday right? i dont know if he even noticed or if he appreciated it. i know its not the right time to think about it like the person’s having personal problems and im gonna put that fcking letter and fcking sumone first? i’m not dumb but again it doesnt mean i cannot get hurt.

but i am not mad, i wont be mad, i dont want to add more problems so ill fix this myself i am not relying this problem to him this is my issue that i have to solve on my own. and to conclude i admit i am selfish and jealous and toxic. so i am gonna fix it. if you read all of these then fck you just wasted your goddamn time but thank you for reading my thoughts. gotta go to my review now. ciao.