#im basically a kid myself but im so glad i was born just a few years earlier

[always-andromeda]

teehee hiii hello! :D im very new to the danonation community, despite being an admirer of mr paul for almost a year now,,, there's so many amazing people and content they make but, it's really overwhelming and a bit scary to explore on my own! you're one of the few people i instantly felt safe to approach so, would you be so kind as to direct me a little bit? which danonation blogs are active right now, or maybe even personal friends of yours, just to start my journey in this community? i really really wanna participate, but since i don't have a single creative bone in me and can't contribute in art or writing, the least i can do is give love to all of you lovely people!! 🥰 thank you for your time 💛

p.s. if you don't mind, i might have more questions later!

p.s.s. your blog themes are always so adorable and so so aesthetically pleasing it's amazing 😭💞

Hey hi hello, my friend!! Thank you so much!! I’m gonna leave all of my account recommendations under the cut because wHOO I went a little bonkers! Other than that, you’re always welcome to shoot me an ask whether you have a question or you just wanna say hello! Super glad to have you here and I hope that you have fun getting to know everyone and everything!!

@lost-in-sokovia

I couldn’t get through a post about talking about creators in Danonation and/or my friends without mentioning Soph. Not only is she immensely talented, but her ability to shift between writing the sweetest moments and angst is basically unmatched. Shoutout to her for warming me up to the concept of having kids tbh bc wOW I did not see that one coming! She’s also one of my closest friends on here and I would heavily recommend giving her a follow and sending an ask; she’s absolutely precious to me and deserves all the love this community can possibly give her (but that’s just my opinion 🙄).

@quietsounds

Now, if we're talking about my friends, I have to drag my wonderful Storm into the conversation as well since we met through Danonation. Storm has a wiiiide range of interests and gifs a lot of different things bUT his gif sets are fucking phenomenal. He hasn't been super active on here lately but I would still recommend dropping him a follow because lmao I am hugely biased (because I love and adore him) and because he's one of the most creative people I know and his work deserves to be seen by as many eyeballs as possible and fully appreciated.

@riddlersbimbo

Okay, I should preface that Bowie is on a bit of a hiatus and they’re kind of running on a queue schedule. However. I still adore Bowie with all of my heart. I genuinely cannot explain it; all I know is that I was born to be Bowie's biggest fan. Aside from that, they are such a pillar in this community. The work they put into giffing every Paul movie?? And furthering the Chubby!Eddie agenda?? And the bimbo agenda?? Listen, on this account, we’re all Bowie stans (lmao, new mandate, friends; we’re all Bowie stans now).

@puzzlekinq

It’s only been for the last few months that I’ve been following Ethan bUT LEMME JUST SAY. I cannot fathom how my dash survived beforehand. You can be sure that Ethan will always have something either slightly unhinged, horny, or downright hilarious to post. They also write a bit as well and it’s some damn good writing if I do say so myself!! Also literally every time they post this plays in my head (but that piece of information is more for Ethan's benefit than anyone else's lol).

@riddlers-den

I feel like almost everyone in my little circle has read or at least heard of Max’s Edward fic, Disarm. And I can confirm, Disarm is fantastic. But I also adore basically everything else of hers that I’ve read. Max’s interpretation of characters (specifically Eddie and Calvin) just makes my writing brain so happy. She is also incredibly funny, a massively talented artist, and a very lovely person to talk to and I couldn’t imagine this little community without her.

@finniestoncrane

I should preface this recommendation by saying that Finnie doesn't post purely Dano content and is more in the realm of the DC fandom in general. I would also give her content warnings a once over beforehand since they might not be everyone's cup of tea! But I still wanted to include her here because, her work and her personality has always inspired me so heavily and...goodness, I love being able to call her one of my mutuals. Her sense of humor is top notch; like truly, whenever she posts her little pictures where she draws herself as a stick figure wrapped around one of the Rogues, I lose my absolute mind. Anyways, stan Finnie too, Finnie is the coolest.

@bloomdolly

If you are in the market for a cutesy, coquettish aesthetic and Paul content wrapped up in one super sweet and kind person? Look no further than Ushuaia! I swear, every time I interact with her it feels like I’ve been hit was this pastel ray of light complete with lace frills and ribbons. She’s the absolute sweetest and the bits of her creations that she’s put out reflect that entirely and I can’t wait to see what else she can think up!

@the-odd-devil

Goodness, it feels like Odd and I have been mutuals for literally forever because they’ve been there pretty much since the beginning of this account?? I always love getting a chance to interact with them and it’s been so cool seeing them start to develop their own ideas (and I swear, Odd, I will get to your dark academia college!Eddie fic as soon as I get a chance to actually sit down and read it). Also…their 70s Pornstar!Jimmy Tree headcanons…god if they ever post about them, I will actually lose my mind.

@starlightsearches

Fun fact: Star was among the first fic writers I read from when I first got into Danonation! They are a multi-fandom blog but again, I just had to include them because their writing is fucking intoxicating and I'm sorry but I'll never get over it.

@danoberry

So this serves as apology to Wren for being awful at keeping up with fics lately because ages ago I know I promised to read one of her Calvin fics and then I never did sO I AM SO SORRY. But this also serves as me taking the chance to gush over her work. Like y'all know I will fawn over anything Joby Taylor related and her Joby fic, i'm so sick...GIRL I'M SO SICK ARE YOU KIDDING MEEEE. Like truly...I lost my mind for part of a day when she followed me because hahahah I'm a nervy little guy and I am always so hesitant to make new mutuals (especially when they're this talented goodness gracious).

@jeusschrist2005

Okay, I will admit that I'm also a little newer to their work! But goodness gracious, just from the bits I've seen of both their Joby fic and their Eli stuff, I love what I've read so far and I really wanted to include them on this list as well!!

[thinkingthingsthrough]

For several days this week the veteran Swedish journalist Malou von Sivers will cover the same topic in every episode of her nightly TV chat show: the extraordinary rise in diagnoses of gender dysphoria among teenage girls.

Lukas Romson, one of the country’s leading trans activists, is prepared for the worst. “There will be no serious trans activists in the show, because none of us trusts Malou at all,” he says. “I’m afraid she’ll just use us.”

But the fact that a mainstream programme is devoting so much time to the issue demonstrates just how much the debate has shifted in Sweden over the past year. “It’s been a very big change and very sudden,” Romson adds. “Everyone – but especially young people – feels worse because of what they perceive as the media’s hatred of them.”

The immediate trigger for Von Sivers’s themed week is a report from Sweden’s Board of Health and Welfare which confirmed a 1,500% rise between 2008 and 2018 in gender dysphoria diagnoses among 13- to 17-year-olds born as girls .

But it also reflects a rapid change in public opinion. Just a year ago, there seemed few official obstacles left in the way of young people who wanted gender reassignment treatment.

In the autumn of 2018, the Social Democrat-led government, under pressure from the gay, lesbian and transgender group RFSL, proposed a new law which would reduce the minimum age for sex reassignment medical care from 18 to 15, remove all need for parental consent, and allow children as young as 12 to change their legal gender.

Then in March last year, the backlash started. Christopher Gillberg, a psychiatrist at Gothenburg’s Sahlgrenska Academy, wrote an article in the Svenska Dagbladet newspaper warning that hormone treatment and surgery on children was “a big experiment” which risked becoming one of the country’s worst medical scandals.

In April, Uppdrag Granskning, an investigative TV programme, followed up with a documentary profiling a former trans man, Sametti, who regretted her irreversible treatment.

In October, the programme turned its fire on the team at Stockholm’s Karolinska University hospital, which specialises in treating minors with gender dysphoria. The unit has been criticised for carrying out double mastectomies on children as young as 14, and accused of rushing through treatment and failing to consider adequately whether patients’ other psychiatric or developmental issues might better explain their unhappiness with their bodies. The Karolinska disputed the claim, saying it carefully assessed each case.

At the same time, Filter magazine profiled the case of Jennifer Ring, a 32-year-old trans woman who hanged herself four years after her surgery. An expert on psychosis who was shown her medical journal by her father, Avi Ring, was quoted as saying that she had shown clear signs of psychosis at the time she first sought treatment for gender dysphoria.

Indeed, the first clinic she approached refused to treat her, citing signs of schizotypal symptoms and lack of a history of gender dysphoria. But the team at Karolinska went ahead. “Karolinska don’t stop anyone; virtually 100% get sex reassignment,” says Ring.

Sweden’s authorities are starting to respond. Shortly before the bill that would have lowered the sex reassignment minimum age was due to be debated in parliament in September, it was shelved, and the Board of Health and Welfare was ordered to reassess the evidence. Its report is due on 31 March.

After being interviewed on Uppdrag Granskning, Sweden’s health minister, Lena Hallengren, asked the programme to include a text addendum to remind viewers that it had been her predecessor, and not her, who had drafted the controversial law.

On 20 December, the Swedish Agency for Health Technology Assessment, which the government had asked to review the scientific research into the recent surge in teenagers reporting gender dysphoria, reported that there was very little research either into the reason for the increase or the risks or benefits of hormone treatment and surgery.

For Romson this is a worrying turn of events. He blames Gender Identity Challenge Scandinavia (Genid), a parents’ group set up by Ring, a retired professor of neurophysiology, the Swedish toxicologist Karin Svens and the Norwegian teacher Marit Rønstad, for the change in the debate, contrasting these “so-called parents” with “real parents” who affirm their children’s chosen identities. Svens was the only Swedish parent to speak openly on Uppdrag Granskning about how her trans son announced he was a boy when he was 17, started going to Karolinska’s adult clinic when he turned 18, and now identifies as male. When asked about Jennifer Ring, he says that friends of hers have told him she found it difficult that her family were unwilling to accept her as a trans woman.

“When I started questioning this some years ago, I thought I was alone,” says Svens. “They tried to scare me by repeatedly implying that there is a high risk of suicide, especially if the parents don’t agree. Now more and more parents have found the courage to question what the doctors say.”

The recent report from the Board of Health and Welfare also found that 32.4 percent of 13 to 17-year-olds with gender dysphoria registered at birth as women also had diagnoses for anxiety disorder, 28.9 percent had depression, 19.4 percent had ADHD, and 15.2 percent had autism.

Trans people often explain the higher levels of depression and anxiety by pointing to the difficult experience living in a body that clashes with their gender identity, particularly when many in society, often including parents and friends, do not accept their identity.

One of the most surprising changes has been the growing divisions between trans activists. While Romson warns that children will have even more anxiety because of the change in the debate, Aleksa Lundberg, a trans woman and longstanding activist, is backing the call for more research.

Last October she apologised for not having been sufficiently open about the depression she had felt after her operation. “I would probably not undergo corrective surgery if I had the same choice today,” she wrote. “And I want to apologise to those who perhaps needed to hear that story earlier.”

*the bold is my emphasis, not the original source*

anyways this is so so fucked. how did we get to a place where literal children, many of whom have co-morbid mental health issues, are being given under-researched medication (with life-long effects) and even surgery!

i just can’t get over the thought of the removal of the healthy breasts of a FOURTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL. this is truly awful stuff and my heart aches for these kids and to some extent, the parents too. there is way too little information made available to them and way too much pressure to just affirm affirm affirm with the hidden (or explicit) or else. affirm or else you’re a bad parent, you’re a bigot, your child will suffer, your child will commit suicide. under those conditions, it’s easy to see how many just go along with it. 

these irresponsible clinics will have TONS of lawsuits on the way in the next few years. but so much damage will already have been done.

[weebsinstash]

Hi! I know you aren't looking for medical advice but you might want to see a chiropractor, I've had some nerve problems that give me numbness on my arms after I injured myself at work a few years ago, and the chiropractor helped alot. so much can be tied back to, well, the back. and an adjustment might help with at least the jaw problem. So sorry you are going through this it must be very frustrating 😔

Oh yeah, i actually started seeing a chiropractor about maybe two months back because we were wondering if this arm and leg problems were because I was getting sciatica or a back problem, you know, since I turned out to have that leg condition and it's been affecting my spine, so I get weekly chiropractic adjustments. Ever since I was younger, I could lie on my stomach and my mom would always be able to pop my back, like, Crack The Fuck Out Of It, even as a kid, and we just like. Didnt know until late 2020 that it's because I was technically born disabled and we like, just found out (would have been nice to find out before I gained all this weight)

I'm definitely going to ask her about my jaw when I see her on Monday! Honestly I had a chiro appointment yesterday but I had a nurse on a hotline tell me to run to the ER so I had to cancel it to go and do that, but at least we know there's not anything weird in my blood and my EKG was fine (since I'm a pot smoker there's been some concerns im trashing my body with how often I smoke so im glad my heart is fine) , so at least we know I'm not in some kind of immediate danger (which unfortunately because of Covid, they literally had to basically confirm I wasn't dying or about to die and then kick me out to clear a bed)

And yeah it's frustrating as hell honestly because the pain comes and goes in intensity so I'll start thinking it's gone away and it sneaks right back, and sometimes I wonder if I just need to suck it up, but I also get really paranoid about what it might be like, I worry it's quietly getting worse and we won't know what it is until it's too late, and sometimes I wonder about what if I got covid and never even knew, because it can literally fuck up your entire body even when you have a mild case. Also there are things like when I went to see a neurologist she told me I need to lose weight and that was um, kind of before she even fucking tested me for anything (and actually she brought up my weight miltiple times in a really callous insensitive way) and honestly just that made me not want to go to the doctor even more

I just have to keep an eye on my stuff. I get told a lot that I'm smart so hopefully I can prove them right and just keep taking down my symptoms and I'll figure it out! I have some theories and ideas for which specialists to see next, but the pandemic makes it tricky, because actually, here in America, they're encouraging you not to have any surgeries or treatments unless it's absolutely necessary right now, so some of my options are limited...

[lo-lovie]

So ever since I was about ten years old, i’ve been thinking.

I’ve always looked in the mirror and been completely fine with being, well— a woman. And when I say that I don’t mean haveing a vagina, I mean, going by female pronouns, and dressing as such. Now I’ve never beleived clothes had a gender, I think people of any gender or sexuality or people of all kinds shiukd wear whatever the fuck they want. But I’m thirteen, about to be fourteen in January next year, and I am a glad lesbian. I’ve come out to my mother and friends, although still choosing to leave others in the dark.

So in short: I was born biologically female, and may sometimes identify as such. I am a lesbian, I don’t care what pronouns you give me, though I can reference myself as she/he/they whenever. I am and have been for a while, uncomfortable with my... ladybits, and I’d much rather, and can more clearly see myself in the future with a penis. I’m fine with my breasts and curves and face and such, though I’m having trouble with my lower body, clothing and social dysphoria isnt an issue for me. But there isn’t anything I think I could actually do at this age and at this time to really help myself feel better. Not in the long run or til im paying my own bills.

Gender wise, I dont know if i’d be transgender, transsexual, nonbinary, or just nothing at all. Id just like to find a term I can identify with when the time comes to speak up on how I really feel. Maybe im just a basic girl with bottom discomfort , some wannabe special snowflake.

I have a girlfriend, and I couldn’t ask for better. However, recently she’s helped me see things a bit clearly now. She helped me understand that she’s okay with everything, pronouns, body, and it felt nice to have such a welcoming view.

But thats not the point. Point is, for a few years now, I’ve reached the age of sexual development and hell, I’ve even done a few things. But when it comes to myself, I’ve been unhappy with my body. I haven’t stared at the thing between my legs since i’ve had the talk. I can’t even stand to touch it to get a bunch out of my panties, or touch it longer than it takes to clean it if i’m thinking about it. At school I feel weird when other girls are already talking about sex and periods, and I can’t help but think how much I don’t want that thing there. I don’t want anything in me in any way, though i’m fine with sex, and I’ve honestly always preferred myself with a penis. Gender Dysphoria would be the word, but I’m not sure if I’m in the right situation to use that correctly.

I’d love to ask my mom all my questions, but I’m her only girl, and I know she wouldn’t accept me trying to change tge little girl she gave birth to. And it’s not my pronouns i’m trying to change, I don’t care what you call me. I beleive I can still be my mom’s precious little girl despite what’s between my legs if I wanted. And recently i’ve done my research, and it’s come to me that I can get that changed, get bottom surgery once im old enough to sign my own papers. But when its time to explain that I love being a woman, even with the meatsacks on my chest and the hair I get braided every month, and that I just want to change whats between my legs to fit what I want to be, I don’t know what to say. I don’t know if i’d be considered transgender, transsexual, nb, whatever. Or just downright bottom dysphoric, I would like to have a label to give her. Amd usually I’d rather not use one. But I think it’d help, and honestly help me out personally. Make it easier to ask questions and get proper advice.

When it comes to some kind of dysphoria, I wouldn’t want to say I have it downright. Just a genuine disgust, or uncomfort. I know I could still be valid, but I just dont want to use terms when as my family might put it, “im going through a phase” andpersonally, when i could just be being dramatic.

My family has unintentionally but successfully raised me to think that its best to go with your born gender. They’re not downright transphobes, but they definitely wont just support it through and through. But Ive pretended to be a cis straight mixed young lady since third grade, when I was already kissing girls.

Im not worried about kids, or dresses and tight jeans, that’s not a priority for me. My issue isnt with expression socially, its with my body. And it’s hard when your dads side of your own religious and judgemental family isnt keen of trans people at all.

So in short: I was born biologically female, and identify as such. I am a lesbian, I don’t care what pronouns you give me, though I can reference myself as she/he/they whenever. I am and have been for a while, uncomfortable with my... ladybits, and I’d much rather, and can more clearly see myself in the future with a penis. I’m having trouble with my body, clothing and social dysphoria isnt an issue for me. But there isn’t anything I think I could actually do at this age and at this time to really help myself feel better. Not in the long run or til im paying my own bills.

[normal-thoughts-official]

I love your Magnus responses! Some have brought me to tears :') hopwfully you haven't answered this yet. I always see fics/ metas on how Alec came to terms about his sexuality, but never on Magnus (or just a selecative few). In your opinion how did he come to terms with his bisexuality? - luxxmagnus

okay first of all I LOVE UR BLOG im so glad u like my shit omg fajsfoamsa and second of all BOY DO I HAVE THOUGHTS ABOUT HOW MAGNUS CAME TO TERMS WITH HIS SEXUALI-

okay SO. your relationship with sexuality is deeply influenced by your early years, as is, well, most aspects of your personality lol. so i think it’s fascinating to think about magnus’ relationship with his gender identity and sexuality considering he was born in early-1600s indonesia, aka right when the colonization started. meaning, a lot of their customs and views on gender and sexuality couldn’t have possibly been erased yet, but they were being very violently and aggressively repressed. and then he finished his growing-up years with asmodeus, a demon, who can’t really give much of a fuck about gender identity and sexuality. so this means a very complicated relationship is bound to develop, and i love it.

unfortunately, magnus’ exact ethnic background isn’t specified in SH (nor tsc, i believe) which makes the whole discussion a lot harder because there are hundreds of native peoples in indonesia. however, they were very much in contact with each other both before and after the dutch invasion and subsequent colonisation, so what i’m gonna do here is talk a little bit about the views on the subject magnus was definitely aware of, and go from there

i know this specifically asked about his bisexuality so i will refrain from shitting my trans magnus headcanon all over the place but i will say that the Bugis people recognised five genders, including one for AFAB people who identified as neither male nor female, and one that embodied both female and male identities

anyway, queerphobia is, in fact, a very recent and very european thing, and most indonesian people, like most asian people and most non-modern-western peoples, were actually A-okay with what we view today as homosexuality. there were even many rituals centered around men-on-men and women-on-women practices. they were also pretty open with sexuality as a whole; there’s even a mountain with a shrine where people have sex with strangers as part of their religious worship.

but, as we know, the european colonizers were very intent on killing off and erasing all records of their dominated cultures, particularly the aspects that directly challenged the european model of gender, sexuality and relationships, to the point where we, ppl born in previously colonised countries, don’t even know about our culture’s views on gender and sexuality. in indonesia, the dutch criminalised homosexuality and we can’t forget that magnus’ stepfather was dutch, and that magnus was born after the colonisation. 

so here’s the context: since it was very early in the colonisation days, there is no way that magnus didn’t know about the very rich and diverse gender and sexuality practices in his own country. there’s just no way. it takes decades to completely erase that shit. and we can’t forget that all indonesian peoples resisted colonisation, a lot. we don’t know the exact nature of magnus’ mother’s relationship with his stepfather, but it is very likely that he either enslaved or forced her to be in a relationship with him, because - well, because that’s colonisation, folks. it’s what these guys do. this is also supported by the way his stepfather treated magnus, because i mean, what the fuck. it was extremely rare that native colonised ppls would willingly be with their coloniser, particularly considering how the dutch were just, like, casually deporting and starving indonesian native ppls and ppl in java had been at war with the portuguese would-be settlers (would-be because they lost amazingly lmao get rekt) since the beginning of the 1500s. so im gonna go out on a limb here and say that magnus’ “stepfather” was, in fact, an abusive piece of shit coloniser who probably mistreated magnus’ mother and was probably a huge reason why she killed herself - i mean, your people are dying, and you’re bound to this guy who abuses and rapes you and keeps telling you everything about you and the way you live and was raised is demonic, that’s just bound to mess with you. actually, the religious aspect of colonisation that taught ppl that their cultures and religious were demonic and immoral and that they either had to repent for that and submit to the colonisers or be killed slash go to hell, hmmm…… well, is probably related to the fact that the idea that magnus was demon-related was repulsive enough to her that she killed herself? and that’s if we go with the interpretation that magnus was the main reason, which isn’t really reliable because 1- magnus clearly thinks he needs to Save Everyone and is bound to think that if anyone gets hurt it’s his fault; 2- canonically, it was magnus’ stepfather who told magnus that the reason she killed herself was magnus’ heritage. i mean i find it hard to believe personally that magnus’ mom didn’t know she was fucking a demon or at least a supernatural entity of some sort, and the whole angel-demon division is a christianity thing anyway, so what the fuck does this mean to magnus’ mom, really? especially considering that, unlike magnus, she probably was alive before the settlers arrived, so it’s even harder to believe that she would just uncritically believe everything about good and evil she was being taught by the guys that were, you know, committing mass genocide. i personally think that if magnus’ eyes were related to her killing herself at all (which makes less and less sense the more i think about it. i mean, what, was he born glamoured? surely she knew about this before he was like 11 or something) it would be because, in a way, this proved that everything she was being told about herself was true. she was demonic, her culture was demonic, and they deserved the absolutely horrific and traumatic things that were happening to them, and her son’s eyes proved it. so it’s not really about magnus as it is about, like, the entire continent of Europe’s bullshit. and anyway, again, everything she was going through was extremely traumatic - i think magnus’ eyes would be almost an afterthought, if considered at all.

anyway, sorry, went on a huge tangent here, i have no self control whatsoever. what i’m trying to say is that magnus grew up in an environment where expressions of different gender and sexuality were very repressed, but he was born in the heart of the very resistance. he was a native man (or, well, boy) and he knew for a fact that most people lived outside of the constricting western gender and sexuality binary, and he lived in a time where the europeans hadn’t really managed to dominate and erase their culture - of course, they never truly did, but the differences were way more latent. so magnus’ views on the whole thing were probably among the lines of “the asshole white people think the way we live is bad and are trying to kill us and that’s why they’re assholes and we’re trying to kick them out, but currently me and my mom are on their hands so i’m gonna have to behave like they expect me to”. so, lots of abuse, a very complicated relationship, but i do believe that magnus wouldn’t have internalised the european bullshit because, well, he was seeing the counterpoint and the resistance and he certainly knew which side was “his”. also in his flashbacks he’s wearing traditional indonesian clothing so there’s that - proof that he wasn’t completely assimilated to european views and culture.

and then he killed the stepfather (good riddance, rot in hell) and went to live his final teenage years with asmodeus. i mean, more like was found by asmodeus and forced to be with him by both the circumstances and asmodeus himself, but you get what i’m saying. 

here’s the thing: asmodeus is definitely an asshole and an abuser, but i can’t bring myself to believe he gave a good fuck about modern-western gender roles and sexuality. he is older than them. by a lot. and he doesn’t even care about the earth realm that much, his whole thing is that he wants to rule edom, so i’m not even sure if he knows about them beyond the, like, very very basics. maybe not even that. so during the rest of magnus’ formative years, and probably the time he figured out what exactly his sexuality was anyway, he was in a pretty open environment when it came to that.

so with that we’ve reached the first conclusion of this huge-ass essay that you probably didn’t sign up for: up until he went to England, Magnus was probably pretty comfortable when it came to his sexuality. like, shit, he was fucked up about everything else, but this one thing i can’t see him internalising a lot of.

i’m gonna fast forward the asmodeus years because i don’t have a lot to say beyond that and also i have no fucking clue what the fuck was going on during that time????????? like it ended when magnus banished him to edom, so i can only assume they were on the earth realm the whole time, but what exactly were they doing???? no clue. i am gonna say, tho, that i think one of the reasons why magnus managed to break out of asmodeus’ shitty “be evil” conditioning is precisely because he had been on the other side before?? like obviously magnus must have been an extremely compassionate kid (which again makes absolute sense in the context of him being part of an oppressed people that were trying their hardest to fight together. you learn a few things about community-building and taking care of others in that context, lemme tell you) since he was out there blaming himself for his mom’s death and also for killing his literal piece of shit stepfather who also tried to kill him as well, but i think it’s just that much harder to help your dad commit mass murder when you’ve been on the receiving end of it. obviously he was probably around asmodeus for a while (i’m thinking until he was like, 18? you know, enough to be an adult), especially considering how he needed the help to learn how to master his magic and also he had nowhere else to go, and also asmodeus was all over the place with “they will always think you’re an abomination, i’m the only one who understands you” and he had eyes like him and all. but still. he knew that he didn’t want that, he knew that he liked earth and didn’t like edom at all and he knew that in order to be himself he’d need to get rid of asmodeus. so he did.

anyway, after the First Great Yeeting Of Asmodeus (second yeeting was when he sent him to limbo so he would never be able to come back. ugh we stan) Magnus went to England. I’m guessing that somehow he met other warlocks during his time with asmodeus (which actually makes sense, i mean, asmodeus must have been wanting ppl to join forces with so he could defeat lilith? or something like that idk they never said anything about what they were doing with their time magnus’ backstory’s got more holes than a swiss cheese) and there seems to be a pretty tight warlock community, so maybe he went to wherever it is that the warlocks meet to gossip and shit? trying to find somewhere else where he belonged. and there he met Ragnor, who helped him break out of his shell and find who he was beyond the constant abuse and the deeply ingrained idea that he was Born To Be Evil.

so for a while, magnus was learning who he was, and again the Warlock Community should be pretty open with gender and sexuality considering most of them are also older than western binary bullshit and also come from different, non-european backgrounds. it was probably at this point that he started going around, having relationships, looking for someone who loves him and somewhere to belong in, you know. haha im fine and soon he figured out that he wanted to find out more about the world. magnus is a curious and creative guy, he’s going around inventing portals and shit, he wants to see the world. so magnus goes to the mundane world. it makes sense, considering in most of his pics he seems to be in mundane settings, and there were no accords at that time. also i mean even post-accords magnus is still going around owning clubs where mundanes can get in so i think he’s quite fond of mundanes.

and that’s when shit comes crashing down, because “sodomy” was punishable by death in England until the 1960s and like boy these guys were not into the whole free sexuality thing. at all. i tend to think magnus would go looking for sex and stuff in downworlder and warlock spaces, where there was a lot more freedom and nobody gave a shit, but he was going around meeting people, and he’s vulnerable and he wants to be loved and he’s definitely been in relationships with mundanes. he knows he needs to hide it, but it doesn’t mean he’s uncomfortable with it. so he might get the occasional insult and he knows he needs to be careful, but this is one aspect of himself he’s actually okay with

but like, he’s spent centuries doing that, eventually shit would go down. and it does. i firmly believe that one of his lovers got caught and got the death penalty. magnus managed to escape but couldn’t save him, and i mean, that’s at least the third time he’s blaming himself for someone’s death. immortality is tiring, and he doesn’t feel like he belongs anywhere. there’s the shadow world, but even there he’s being looked down on because the shadowhunters are racist assholes. he’s got his friends, sure, but he’s never really felt worthy of any love, or like he belonged anywhere, and he’s been through so much abuse and being used and everything he touches seems to go to shit and he’s tired. and he’s killed someone he loved. again. so he goes to the bridge. and camille finds him, and stops him.

now, i don’t know if that’s how they’ve met of if it’s happened before, something like, seeing each other in parties and in downworlder spaces or something. but either way, he’s at a really low point, and that’s the first meaningful interaction they have - camille saves his life. he feels like she cares.

she’s not the only one who cares, obviously. so does ragnor, so does cat, so does dot and lots of other of his friends. but at this point, he’s feeling so empty it’s hard to believe that they care, and camille is all too quick to figure out his exact weaknesses - she’s there to listen to him when he wants to kill himself, i can only imagine the infodump that went on that night. he gives her all she needs to know - his fear of abandonment, his desire to be loved, his belief that he will never be accepted no matter what, his fear that he really is evil inside after all despite everything proving that he isn’t - to use against him perfectly. camille is smart. she’s also manipulative. and she also seems like a ticket into a somewhat normal world - she’s a woman, she’s immortal, she’s acting all sweet around him and telling him that she understands, that this is why she doesn’t mingle with mundanes, that it’s better if they’re just amongst themselves, that people like them can’t trust too much and need to stick together. slowly, she plants into him the idea that he’s gullible, has a weak judgement, and is just weak in general for going around thinking he could ever have a thing with mortals or could ever find a space to belong. she uses that to drive him away from his friends and make sure he does as she says. also, magnus owes her, doesn’t he? she saved his life. how can he fight her, when she saved his life? how can he say no to her? how can he disagree? he’s gullible, he’s weak, and she’s the only one who has enough patience for him. everyone else leaves. she’s all he has.

in conclusion: his sexuality is a huge factor in camille’s abuse, it’s what makes him vulnerable to her and gives her every tool she needs to manipulate him. it’s not direct, she’s not about to make fun or dismiss his bisexuality because she knows this is not something he’s internalised, but she can weaponize the trauma that queerphobia brings to his life, and so she does.

she wrecks him. like really really wrecks him, everything he’s built for himself, his identity, whatever he had of his confidence. like he was still trying to build all of that, but he was getting there, and she gets him back to ground 0 just like that. i think he only broke up with her because she started doing her more Clearly Immoral shit and magnus can’t do that. say what you want, but magnus’ actual nature has always been to care and to give all that he can for others. and camille is just evil mcbad. and her abuse goes a long way, but i don’t think anything could actually break magnus enough to be okay with hurting others. especially considering how most of his trauma seems to revolve around the fact that he believes he is constantly hurting others, and it seems to me - considering how he’s going all around the place helping everyone and sacrificing himself without a second thought - that helping others is even a way to cope somewhat, he doesn’t focus on himself, he does his job and helps others and doesn’t think about himself and so he copes, he can do what he’s good at and also believe he’s somehow “repenting” for “killing” his mother and stepfather (it was SELF FUCKING DEFENSE he didn’t murder him, but he does seem to believe he did). so that’s probably when they break up, when he realises that camille is just. keen on hurting others and she’s bored with him and his morals anyway. i know that in book canon apparently the reason they broke up was that she cheated on him, but again i don’t consider book canon and show canon to be the same canon, specially considering how magnus is a wildly different character in those. so i don’t think that would somehow be the last straw for him. camille probably was cheating on him left and right but he probably just believed that it was his fault, or just kept forgiving her anyway because he had nowhere to go and it should be enough that she loves him and saved him, right?

he doesn’t really get around to realising that camille is a straight-up abuser and awful person (as shown by the fact that he seems to still internalise the whole “camille saved my life” bullshit when she was really just manipulating him and using his vulnerability against him) but he does realise that he can’t keep looking for a partner as a solution to his issues. he also doesn’t really want to be in a relationship after her, not when he’s broken in more pieces than he was when he left asmodeus, and that was a lot of pieces as well. so he sleeps around and all, crafts this whole playboy persona of his, and locks his heart away. dedicates himself to the downworlder children he keeps adopting and trying to help, reconnects with ragnor and the other warlocks - who kind of knew what was going on and never blamed him for it or for growing distant with them because they’re amazing and probably have seen this happen many times before.

he also carefully avoids mundane men. he’s not risking getting anyone else hurt.

but then there’s the 60s and 70s, and he’s in bloody new york, and the queer community is shaping itself, and goddamn, after all the hurt and pain he’s seen due to sexuality, he’s not gonna ignore this. also, his Adopting Instincts are way too strong anyway, he can’t really see people struggling and not do anything. so he supports queer spaces, probably made pandemonium one, too - a particularly safe queer space, since she could use his wards to keep police out of his business and ensure everyone’s safety. he definitely was there at stonewall and subsequent protests and parades, keeping people safe, weakening gas bombs and the like with magic, making sure they managed to escape jail.

magnus’ relationship with the mundane queer community is kind of weird, then - he’s not an actual part of it, not really, and he’s particularly scared of getting attached then, so he guards his heart with even more determination than everywhere else. but he still wants to help, so he brings in his money, tries to keep them safe, participates in some community activities and volunteers, and occasionally talks to some kids who were just kicked out of home or something, who are dealing with self-loathing and fear, and even though he hasn’t gone through the whole “my sexuality is unnatural” thing or particularly hated that aspect of himself, he does know what it’s like to be cast away and seen as a monster, and to see himself as uncapable of being loved. so he listens and he talks about his experiences and tries to help as much as he can, and for the most part, he’s successful and he feels kind of accomplished in that sense. he might never have hated himself for his sexuality, but this is the first time he is fully able to bring it into his mundane life. and it also helps him deal with and talk about his other issues, even if he can’t be 100% frank about being an immortal being who does magic and shit, he can connect to these people in a lot of ways, and he also has his own scars brought in by homophobia even if they weren’t internalised in the same way. also, there are names popping up for what people are, homosexuality is being decriminalised all over the world (even in england, he’s heard), things are starting to look up.

as the 80s come up, he knows that a lot of things are changing - that white gay guys are getting more and more space, that the word “bisexual” is being popularised, but also that the reason for that is that a lot of gays and lesbians are trying to get bi ppl out of some spaces, that there’s a division going on between people who want to be seen as palatable and are willing to step over others to get it, and people who refuse to blend into an oppressive society, or just can’t, because they’re trans, they’re people of color, they’re sex workers and homeless and they can never be really assimilated when, even if they’re not getting the death penalty, they’re still getting killed and framed as criminals for existing.

magnus is a person of color as well, he’s bisexual (meaning one of the groups that were being cast away and despised by the white, “clean” gay movement) and he’s been there since the beginning, where these exact people that are being driven away were the only ones building the queer movement, so i think it’s pretty obvious who he “sided” with. not much changed in that aspect, then, since the spaces of queer resistance he was used to were the ones created by the “outcasts”. it was disappointing to see a movement that seemed so amazing at first get slowly gentrified and push the most vulnerable people away again, but at this point, he was used to seeing the divide, to drawing the short end, and at least he could continue as he was and try and help people, right? so life was good as a whole.

then the AIDS crisis happened, and shit that was SO rough. people were dying left and right, they had nowhere to go and there was so little he could do. of course he tried his best - pandemonium, like many other similar clubs, was definitely raising money to help the victims, and he was definitely volunteering to help them, along with catarina (who’s better at healing than he is, anyway), but even healing magic isn’t as simple as “begone, disease” and this was a completely new thing, anyway. there was little they could do beyond try and lessen the pain and symptoms and spend countless nights awake doing research and trying to figure out what exactly was causing this and what they could do to help and try to cure it. it’s endlessly frustrating and he gets to see a lot of people he knew, and talked to, and helped, die slowly while he was unable to do much, and shit is that a theme on his life. he also blames himself for not being able to work out a cure - what good is fucking magic if he can’t do this? - even if he and cat do figure out ways to help, at least. but they’re just two people and creating spells isn’t easy and it’s not like their patients have a lot of time, and also he needs to sleep, as cat and dot keep reminding him. the mundanes beat him to it, and for a while he can breathe again. but then there has been so much loss and death the community is in shambles and they’ve been set back one hell of a lot, and magnus is so tired. his friends help him, reassure him that it’s not his fault, and he’s okay, because he’s stronger now, he’s been getting better during all these years and a part of him is used to it - it never hurts less, but it does get easier to push through. 

and then, well, there’s the whole war against valentine thing, and then the accords, so i think for a while magnus was kind of not very involved with the mundane world, and also this is already WAY to long to get into the 2000s and shit, but i will finish by saying that maybe after a few years magnus might get somewhat involved with the community again, because i just. really like the idea of magnus joining some kind of group of bisexual men and learning that SO MANY of them have gone through abusive experiences with straight girls that are scarily similar to his experience with camille, considering, you know, all the other layers involved and the fact that it happened centuries ago. and it kind of works as group therapy, and magnus finally realises that what he went through with camille was abuse, and that he’s not alone, and that queerphobia made him vulnerable, and that the fact that he is part of so many minorities can mean that, rather than not belonging anywhere, he belongs in many places and many different spaces, and he’s helped so many people in so many different ways. and then he finds out that there are other warlocks who are working as therapists and in there he can talk about his immortality issues and, well, other issues and he starts healing faster than before - he’s been healing ever since the breakup with camille, of course, otherwise he wouldn’t have been able to open up to alec. like, of course, alec and him are soulmates and shit, but if he wasn’t in a better place he wouldn’t have allowed himself to fall for him like he did. and. yeah. magnus doing therapy and getting better and finding groups where he feels like he belongs, and realising camille was an abuser, please.

[soldrawss]

Don't read unless you have watched the new episode. But the whole time I watched it I was thinking how it pretty wild that your comic and the episode are basically the same.

 OK I HAVE FINALLY WATCHED THE EPISODE AND BOY WHOO HOO HOWDY I’M GONNA INCLUDE MY THOUGHTS UNDER THE CUT BECAUSE I KNOW A FEW OTHERS HAVE YET TO SEE IT AS WELL AND I DON’T WANT TO SPOIL ANYTHING BUT WHOO LETS GO BABES

SO first off I’m just gonna say that I LOVED the episode. Really and truly honestly I did.  I don’t think there were any major things that I didn’t like tbh. It was such a truthfully wholesome episode. And I’m actually happy with the amount of screen time we got with Scrooge and his insight with Christmas. 

HOWEVER. I wish it was a 45-minute special. Because I think we could have absolutely dived MUCH deeper into the relationship between 1) Younger Donald and Dewey and 2) (the most important) DONALD AND DELLA. I mean like HOLY SHIT. I have to collect my thoughts together really quick cause I’m gonna explode just going on about the sibling relationship going on there so let me backtrack really quick and start from the beginning.

First and foremost. The set up to the episode was great. The kids getting ready for Christmas. Webby’s little hug to Huey and Huey’s patient little smile back to her. Louie’s X-mas list and his “let me explain”, like yes my son, own it. Donald being his best dad self, decorating and STILL playing guitar and singing awful carols at the top of his lungs like, we stan a good good duck dad!!! Literally, everyone is top notch just being great! 

Then we get to plot. The ghosts are back in town. And they’re ready to get down and dirty and party and I LIVE for the idea that they were originally looking for a different Scrooge and that OUR Scrooge actually LOVES Christmas (And I’m so glad that we still don’t know why Scrooge has beef with Santa cause like, that’s potential for future X-Mas episodes and I’m all about having more mysteries to look forward to alright?) So we get it. Party on Scrooge lets go back in time!!!

So we’re 12 minutes in, more Scrooge stuff happens (Which I adore. Love that they brought back Goldy. Love that Young Scrooge is so passive about seeing Old Scrooge. LOVE that BEAKLY fucking FLIRTS with the GRIM REAPER SKJD;S GET IT GIRL LOVE THAT) And super double plot twist is that little jimmy cricket over here is actually like, kinda evil? Well not evil, but he’s a little-twisted buddy, which isn’t his fault, but he just wants to party and feels like everyone abandons him when once they find the true meaning of Christmas (being with family) Which Scrooge does. Which also, can we appreciate how fast it takes for Scrooge to be like, yeah I’m bored of this adventure stuff, can I just go home to my family now? It may have just been the episode time frame but IDK man, I feel like he’s growing from once being bitter to becoming that good old family man again. Good, good old man, I love him. 

ANYWAY- NOW LETS GET DOWN TO THE JUICY HALF OF THE EPISODE AND THE HALF THE EVERYONE WANTS MORE OF INCLUDING MYSELF

OK So here we see Dewey hitch a ride on grims cloak and fall into let’s say around 25+ years in the past. The FIRST thing I noticed and the first shot we get is a mere parallel to the one we see when Scrooge first falls in the past. Its a shot of the mansion. But as opposed to the shot where Scrooge falls during a Christmas where his mansion is LIT the fuck up with lights and sounds and color and LIFE, Dewey sees it dark and practically dead, but still recognizably the Mc’Duck Mansion. One of the next shots we see takes place inside, and we see the mansion (remember this duck is a billionaire) with the wallpaper peeling and the walls cracking and hardly lit and it looks absolutely deserted and kinda uncared for which BREAKS MY HEART OK!!! 

(But I’m so glad I at least got the scene right where Dewey’s first interaction with Donald is through his music and that Dewey could guess it was Donald through his Voice™!!! Also, should have thought of Bluey. That was SO much better than Deuteronomy. But oh well! Got the fake family part right! And the fact that Donald knew she was out back looking fo Santa and was trying to catch Santa for Scrooge. That last part wasn’t in the comic, but that was going to be the original idea for part 4 and FUCK YEAH I WAS ON A ROLL)

And ohhhh when Donald says this is the most confusing family! Ouufff that hit me so hard!!! Cause like, honestly, in canon, Donald is SO proud of his heritage and family line. He’s the only Disney character to really even HAVE a family tree, are you kidding me?

Also Dewey just Yeeting himself out a window with Donald’s guitar as Leverage was such a good idea I wish I would have thought of it and I’m SO ANGRY that I didn’t but I guess if I had then technically I would have been a mind reader or actually stealing from the show so good job me for NOT doing that but I at least got them Escaping out the window part down so WOOP FOR that!

ALSO DONALD JUST STRAIGHT UP LICKING THE TREE! WONDERFUL GOOD BOY AND LIKE!!! AND LIKE!!! OK I kinda played around with the idea that Donald kinda just does stuff without explanation and when someone asks we gives off these weird oneliners that don’t really answer the question of WHY he did/was doing the thing in the first place is something I absolutely live for and both his interactions within my comic and in the show are so parallel with one another that I’m actually mind freaked right now I want to scream I fucking love these kids ok?!?!?

So I could probably live for the next 30 years off of just Dewey and Donald just talking to each other like, it was probably only 40 seconds of conversation, but I lived for every second like it was the only thing that mattered!!! Just Dewey being so Hecking Excited to learn more about Della from someone willing to talk to him without any trauma™ and I LOVED how Donald never outrightly admitted that Della wasn’t Amazing or Awesome (Dewey said it at least twice when referring to Della) and just changed the subject. Like, true sibling love. (I would have also accepted if he had called her a nerd or a geek or something similar because they are siblings after all, like jeezus the whole episode was mostly about their fight like, anything is great, give me them sibling dynamics)

OK AND THEN THE MOMENT OF TRUTH

DELLA MY SWEET BABY GIRL APPEARS AND SHE IS MY EVERYTHING

OK honestly I was gonna draw her with a bit more messy hair but OTHERWISE SHE’S PERFECT. AND HER’S AND DONALDS IMMEDIATE BICKERING IS MY FAVORITE EVER. (And tbh her reaction to them NOT being Santa clause and honestly that entire net scene was also gonna be my reaction so don’t be surprised when you see that in upcoming continuation of my comic) (Also her calling Dewey a Dummy, is ACE)

So their whole fight scene going on. The whole Dumbella incident. You can just FEEL the sibling energy off of it. I ate that shit up SO FAST. I LOVED EVERY SECOND OF IT. (I WANT SO MUCH MORE OF THAT STUFF PLEASE DT CREW GIVE US A FLASHBACK EPISODE OF THE COUSINS I NEEEEEEED IT) If you’ve ever had a sibling then you KNOW. You know that look when Della got when Donald called her Dumbella. The No, not until you apologize she gave back. The FOR WHAT?? The endless back and forth that would have continued onward for a LONG time if they weren’t in impending doom. Man that’s the shit right there. That’s really all I wanted I could have had a full 45 minutes of just THAT right there. Just these kids being siblings.

(Also, Donald outing himself about the toothbrush and combat boots, he’s so gonna pay for that later I can feel it in my bones and I live for these moments kids)

AND THEN WE GET THE FIRST HEARTBREAKER OF THE NIGHT FOLKS, when Dewey figures out why Della’s so peeved at Donald (rightfully so) and it’s just!!! It’s just so good that all Della really wanted was to spend time with Donald and make a memory of it and catch Santa together and folks I would be lying to you and to God and to our Lord and savior Carl Barks if I said that I didn’t cry, these siblings are so good. (And the fact that Dewey also made a quick connection to himself, like, ohhh yeah I need to also be better and apologize to MY family and give MY Donald a hug when I get home)

NOW SHIT GETS REAL!!! The way Donald and Della land after getting free from the net. These kids were BORN for adventuring. This isn’t their first rodeo and this is what I want to see more of!!! Donald and Della as the fighting duo!!! (Dewey totally face planted my smol blue bean I love you) Della gets into fighting position ready to go, and Donald flips his hair back outta the way like so cool and nonchalantly LIKE DREAM TEAM SO COOL I LOVE THEEEEEMMMM!!! aND THEN when they find out the Wendigo is after Scrooge, They’re all like, “of, yeah, duh, Its always scrooge,” and then IMMEDIATELY GO AFTER HIM IN PERFECT FIGHTING SYNC LIKE THESE ARE 10-YEAR-OLDS AND THEY FIGHT LIKE THEY HAVE BEEN FIGHTING ON SCROOGE’S BEHALF FOR YEARS AND IM!!! (there’s so much fanfic potential here i’m screaming) And Dewey’s kinda just standing back like, Woah nelly, CAUSE LOOK AT THESE DUCK CHILDREN GO!!! LOOK AT MY LITTLE FIGHTING REBEL KIDS I ;KLD’KLASJ’F I LOVE THEM!!!

(Also, shout out to the last episode, in which we see that Donald kept the broken guitar under hammock all those years, he never could manage to through the thing away, i love this temperamental kid so much guys i’m crying again) But I’m glad we got to see Wee angry Donald!!! That was a fun thing I’m glad they put that in!!!

And now for the final! I’M glad Donald apologized rightly and straight away and wholeheartedly! That’s the good boy I know and Love! And Dewey going in for the hug!!! So sweet!!! But also!!! Della like, immediately figuring out that Dewey was from the future, I kinda like that! I wasn’t going to do it, but I like it! Love how smart she is and just how nonchalant they both are about it cause hey, have you MET their family? I like how they say Ducks, too. Not Mc’Ducks. Like, Scrooge is Weird and they do all sorts of crazy stuff with him, but you haven’t SEEN crazy till you’ve met the hick side of the family.

And then it’s like, just like that, they’re gone! And ouufff boy that was not the goodbye I was expecting but sometimes goodbyes are like that and that’s ok and I respect the out the DT crew took cause it flowed so nicely and well but boy did it hurt. (Can you imagine Donald and Della coming back with THEN Scrooge with this whole explanation to find nothing there and Scrooge being like???? Ack you kids leave me alone I hate Christmas as it is I don’t need you all playing tricks on me with fake Wendigos and family members from the futures when I have important things to do bah humbug or something and Donald and Della just have to live with this knowledge but at least they have each other and are closer for the better!!!) Because then Scrooge was there and THEN DEWEY WAS CRYING AND THERE’S JUST SO MANY EMOTIONS CAN YOU IMAGINE ALL THE EMOTIONS THIS KID IS GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW AND HE JUST WANTS TO GO HOME AND SEE HIS UNCLE DONALD AND BROTHERS AND WEBBY AND JUST BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS AND ACK.

AND GOSH WAS THE DONALD DEWEY HUG JUST SO GOOD AS WELL AS THE DOGPILE LITERALLY GIVE ME ALL THE HUGS, I WANT THEM ALL THIS IS SUCH A WHOLE GOOD EPISODE!!! All in all, 10/10 Was very good. Could I have loved more of just about EVERYTHING? yes, but I can make my own content if I need to fulfill my wishes. Overall, there was nothing that disappointed me, which was so good. I wasn’t let down by the interpretations of the characters, the morals, or how the storyline went. Could we have made it into a 45-minute episode and just like, extended every conversation? Yes. But plot? Solid. Characters? Solid. Relations? Super solid. Did Sol cry? She did and she will again cause she just loves these good characters so hecking much!!! Donald is my all time favorite Disney character on the planet and just the fact that he gets so much love and attention and just all the beautiful backstory and rick history is such a beautiful gift that just keeps on giving! 

Also, FULL Disclosure, Im gonna continue part 3, 4 and 5 of my version of how I thought this episode was gonna go. Simply because, well, I liked it. And I think you all will like it to.  

[galoismyhimbo]

New Oc (This gonna be long and messy im sorry)

Name: Samantha “Sam/Sammy” Coleman

Birthday: November 6th, 1988 (Age 30)

Sexuality: Bisexual

Height: 5′8

Occupation: Peggie (later defected), demolition expert (and melee fighter if that counts lmao)

Backstory(pre-cult): Sam was born in the small town of Belfield, North Dakota; she never knew her father and her mother worked constantly. So, Sam had to watch over her younger sister from ages 5 to 17. She lived in poverty, her mother barely making it check by check. Because of this, they wouldn’t have food for days sometimes; which led her to stealing from stores. Sam was always a rebellious child so these things came naturally to her, usually being able to lie her way out of being caught. She would steal candy and small snacks from the corner gas station after school on Friday’s for her and her sister, never seeming to get caught by the man who owned the place. That or he never cared to stop her, either way she always looked forward to it. Sam drank a lot in her teens, stealing it from her mother or even from stores, sitting up on her roof and just relaxing. She liked the peace and quiet of her town, she won’t lie; it was nice at night. She would listen to the crickets chirp with her little sister, watch storms that went through, and even snuck outside to play in the snow every winter. Her sister was dear to her. Sam was genuinely nice to her sister but was very confrontational to everyone else, which led her to many fights throughout her school life; even getting into some outside of school. And as much as she loved to fight, she was getting tired of it; tired of the school, tired of the other kids there, tired of her family. She just wanted to start a new life by herself. And so she decided to run away as soon as she got out of juvie (she ended up in there after beating the holy hell out of another kid during a fight. She was there from age 16 to 17). The moment she was released she went home, grabbed any food and clothing she could, stuffed it into her backpack and stole her mothers car; picking a direction and driving West. The car eventually breaks down in some part of Montana, so, she takes the bus from then on. She didn’t know where it would take her nor did she really care. She eventually got off the bus in Hope County. She would lie and say she wasn’t scared but she was, she was in an unfamiliar place at night and it didn’t feel right. But nevertheless, she started walking towards some lights in the distance, eventually arriving in Fall’s End. She slept inside the church that night since she had no where else to go; she woke up the next day to a man standing over her with a concerned look. She later learned his name was Jerome and he took her in for awhile. Sam was nice to him, but only because she needed a place to sleep; she didn’t care for him in all honesty (that changes in the future). 

(Cult) little note: Idk when Eden’s Gate actually arrived in Hope County so just, forgive me and my dates if they completely wrong.

Sam arrived in Hope County around 2005 and by then things were pretty normal in the County. Sam helped around in the bar for a bit to make some money, and because she could steal some beer. But about 3 years later, a group showed up in the County, called Eden’s Gate that was led by a man named Joseph Seed. She didn’t pay much attention to him or the group, nor did anyone else really. It wasn’t until she heard rumors of people being forced to join the group, and that the group was acquiring land and weapons over years, that she became interested. She just wanted to see if these rumors were true, and it wouldn’t hurt to see just ONE of Joseph’s sermons, right? So one day she decides to go to one of his sermons held at a nearby farm; Jerome tried to warn her not to go since most of his congregation left for Joseph and his teachings, but she didn’t listen. And so she went and listened, not believing anything he was saying, and as she glanced around, she seemed to be the only one. Everyone there was entranced by Joseph Seed and she had no idea why, his words were bullshit to her. But he seemed to hear her thoughts, constantly looking her right in the eyes as she had sat up front, that was a mistake on her part. Every time he looked at her she would feel nervous, she hasn’t felt this way before. After he was finished she got up to leave, as was everyone else, but was stopped by two people. They had that symbol on their clothing, the symbol for Eden’s Gate. She glared at them and told them to move but they didn’t, and she just got angrier. She wanted to get the Hell out of there. When she looked over her shoulder she could see Joseph, and his siblings, as he called them, looking at her. She couldn’t tell what they were thinking, but she didn’t like what was happening. She tried to go around the people blocking her way but was pushed back. All she could think was, “I fucked up”. She wasn’t allowed to leave and instead was led to a small body of water, a couple people pouring something in it. She stopped walking at the sight, trying to turn back around but was forced forward by a man. She didn’t see who it was but his grip was rough as she was basically dragged into the water, yelling at them to let go. The last thing she remembered was the man talking, another person coming up, grabbing her arm, and forcing her head under water. Whatever was in the water wore off at some point and she finally was in her right mind, but found herself in a room at a table. Joseph sitting across from her with his hands folded on the table. He talked about how he saw the pain in her eyes and how he knows she feels alone, but that she could have a family once again. She wanted to roll her eyes but stopped herself from doing so. She watched him slide a cup towards her as he spoke about being a family, but she pushed it away, saying “You don’t need to drug me. You already forced me that on me in that lake. I’ll join your group willingly; i’ll do whatever ya’ll want. Just don’t drug me.” She felt like she was having a heart attack as she said that, she didn’t know how things would turn out. But she remembers Joseph just staring at her for a good minute or two before giving a small nod, motioning her to stand as he did. Whatever she did over the next 10 years is something she’ll try to forget.

(how she eventually escaped): Sam had been a Peggie for years and its messed with her head. Yeah, she was always an angry person, picking fights with others constantly. But she just got angrier in the cult, and it was because of what the cult was doing. Building bunkers, saying the world was ending, killing innocents, making HER kill. They did things to her that fucked her up as well. Faith forcing that bliss onto her whenever Joseph thought she was “acting out”. John carving sloth, lust, and wrath onto her body. Luckily, she was never given to Jacob. She knows what he does to people. But over time she started to get on the Seed’s good side. She’s always been good at lying, and it seemed to work even on a man like Joseph, who said God spoke to. This is what eventually led her to seeing an old friend again, River. They both grew up in that small town, Sam being older than the other, she was always looked up to. Sam always hated it, she was no role model. She saw River with Joseph, and she looked scared. Sam knows she was with that group of deputies, the ones that crashed in the helicopter and were taken to each herald. Poor River was given to Joseph, and that had to be because of her gentleness. River never got into fights like Sam did as children, and Sam doubted she changed over the last few years. She knew she had to get River out, and she was glad she was close to Joseph. He would trust her enough to watch over River. And after a few weeks, that eventually happened. One of the deputies had been fucking things up for the cult, so Joseph was too preoccupied with that to watch over River. So, one night, Sam went into the room River was in and told her about the escape plan. “I know, long time no see. But i need to make this quick. You can’t stay here any longer, Joseph is going to mind fuck you like no other, ok? A person like yourself is easy prey for him, so follow me and be quiet.”

River wanted out so she blindly followed. They got outside and just started running, seeing a patrol of Peggies coming towards them. They were eventually followed after, bullets whizzing pass them as the ran. River was confused when Sam suddenly stopped her, taking her by the arms and looking into her eyes. It was dark out, they could barely see the others face. But River could hear the fear in Sam’s tone as she spoke. "You better get that little ass out of here, cause i’m getting myself in some deep shit and it will be worth it if I know you're no longer in this Hell hole. They don't need to corrupt anymore people with their fucked up beliefs. NOW GO!" River remembers seeing Sam shoot her gun into the air to draw attention as she ran to the right, away from her. River did get back to the resistance.

Sam was eventually caught by the Peggies and lets just say, went through HELL. Papa Joe was NOT a happy man. She was sent to John to “atone” for her actions, and boy did he make it hurt 10 times more. Yet, she never regretted helping River; even smiling a few times during her “atonement” whenever John would say to confess her sins. “It can’t be a sin to help an old friend leave Hell” She was eventually found by resistance members and was helped to safety, too weak to fight the Peggies that tried to get her back. She actually blacked out at one point, waking up in a room alone. She knew she was safe now, feeling relaxed for once. But also that anger within her was coming back up, and she will give those Peggies Hell the moment she is strong enough to. River and her grew closer and closer over time, Sam confiding in River about what happened to her. She was never good with expressing her emotions, but River sure was; and that gave Sam comfort.

Once Sam was strong enough to fight, she did. She learned how to build explosives, made her favorite weapon: barb wired baseball bat, and fucked up any Peggie she saw. She helped that deputy with anything, River and her being a duo in certain tasks.

“If ya ever need a dramatic exit with explosions? Call me. AND if ya ever need someone to bash a Peggie’s brain in? I’m your girl.”

Facts:

- She has a sleeve of tattooed bliss flowers on her right arm.

- She actually got close to John first, she figured it be easier than the other heralds. She even had a one night stand of sorts once. She hates talking about it cause she finds it embarrassing. Her first sober thought the next morning as she ran out his room was, "I dont need him getting attached to me! Nope!"

- Joseph kept his promise of not blissing her up, or she thinks he did. She my have been slipped some, who knows?

-Joseph could see Sam's reluctance in her actions many times, however. So he and his heralds always kept an eye on her. He feared she was on the brink of defecting, but didnt think she'd do so with eyes on her 24/7.

- John calls Sam, "little Devil", for many reasons lmao

- Sam is a big drinker, and she hated the fact you couldnt drink in the cult. Also it's a reason she liked John in the beginning; he always had alcohol hidden away.

- here's a playlist I have for her so far: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7zAKlUsEuQMsvWt4Y5Q3vn

- after defecting from the cult, she reconnected with Jerome. Shes realized that he tried to teach her how to do right things all those years ago. And while she still rebels against him, or everyone really, she cares about him now. Unlike in the past.

- If given the chance, she would start a cult as a way to say "fuck you, this ones better" to Joseph

- Shes met Emily and Hope before, both being deputies along side River. She isnt close to them but occasionally helps out with missions.

Random Quotes:

. "You never know when a decision is going to change your life. So always be careful around here."

. "You don't know how nice it is to see the fear in the peggies eyes. I've seen it countless times in

. "I wont lie, you shouldnt trust someone like me. Not saying I'll go back to Joseph, but just with things in general."

. "River is too fucking kind for her own good. And I know Joseph loves that, so keep her safe when I'm not around"

[okjimin]

🍯 mutual appreciation post!! 🍯

✨🌙⭐️💛💫 to all my lovely wonderful kind friendly amazing hilarious mutuals!!!! i’ve only been on tumblr for a short time but Listen i love u all soooo much thank u for brightening my day everyday!!!! 2017 was such a shit year for me but spending the last few months on tumblr dot com rly cheered me up and i hav u all to thank for that!!!!! to all of you that celebrate christmas, i hope u have the best christmas EVER and for all of you that don’t i hope your day is filled with warmth happiness and love!!! and i wish all of u a happy new year, i hope 2018 is an amazing year for u all, u all deserve it sooooooooo much!!!!✨🌙⭐️💛💫 

(i tried 2 do this in order of oldest to newest mutuals !!!!)

💌 @1jmins: dia where do i even begin?!?!?! i cant believe we’ve only known each other for like a few weeks honestly that’s INSANE bc it genuinely feels like ive known you forever!!! we get along soooo well and you’re so easy to talk to, we are basically the same person like???? still cant believe we were literally put on this earth to love each other??? im still struggling to get over the fact we were born a day apart, our natal charts are pretty much identical, wow amazing.......soul mate Goals......anyway did i mention how hilarious, sweet, kind and warm and just all round perfect u are?!?!?!? i live for our 1am wattpad reading sessions and when we dub bts performances with stormzy and craig david!!!!! still cant believe bts invented british grime like???? u make me laugh sooo much and honestly one of the highlights of my day is talking to u!!!! i love u soooosoosooooossosoos much bb and i hope we get even closer in 2018!!!! and u know that when bts finally come 2 the uk me and u are going to spend £300 on tickets and flash our tiddies for jimin.........pls dia i Love U!!!!!!!!!! have a wonderful xmas and new year!!!!!!! sending u so much love bby!!!!! my actual twin sister and soul mate!!!!!

💌 @ktheaven: nadine u are soooo sweet and lovely!! i could write a 2000 word essay on how kind you are! you’re one of the first people i ever spoke to on here and im so glad we got talking bc youre seriously such a lovely, warm hearted person!!! youre so thoughtful and caring!!!! also, youre sooo hardworking!! im sure all your hard work at uni will pay off and you will get the teaching job of your dreams!!! i love u lots and i rly hope you have an amazing 2018!!

💌 @kimtaethebae hannah!!! youre literally the first person i ever spoke to on here!!!! youre so cute and bubbly and funny, we havent spoken that much lately but i hope youre doing well and that you have an amazing christmas and new year bc you deserve it soo much!!! im sending u so many positive vibes bb!!!

💌 @43hy adreana bby!!!! you were one of my first mutuals on here!!!!! a true og!!!! your blog is sooo cute and your posts make me smile and always brighten up my day!! i hope 2018 treats you will and that you have an amazing christmas!!! 

💌  @rainpjm hannah you were my first mutual ever i think!?!?? i literally love ur blog so much u make me laugh so hard with ur censored posts bc im like binch SAME.....ur sooo cute not to mention amazingly beautiful!!!!!! i hav a crush on U!!!!! u totally deserve to have the most wonderful christmas and new year angel!!!! 

💌  @piedparkjimin dakota!!! another one of my first ever mutuals!!! listen i love u youre soooo sweet and kind and i really do wish all the best for you in 2018, you honestly deserve all the happiness and warmth in the world and pls remember im always here if you wanna talk!!! your txt posts always make me smile so much thanks for brightening up my dash bb!!

💌  @inkcanaries henlo gi bb!!!!!! yet another og mutual!!!! Listen ur so fuckin funny i stg ur txt posts are hilarious catch me scrolling through your blog at 2am pissing myself at ur hilarious self.....although im sick 2 death of seeing that ugly ass pic let me not lie lmao........ur so sweet bb and im still not over ur gorgeous curly hair!!!!! have a super christmas and new year bb!!!!

💌  @joohoens hannah ufewqpfioqe youve changed ur url so much lately i was soo confused!! well only true 90s kids will remember yoongjis.....you were one of the first ever ppl i spoke to on here and youre sooooooo cute, youre always leaving cute happy messages in my askbox and pls know i appreciate it so much!!! youre such a ball of sunshine and i hope youre doing well bc we havent spoken in a while! ly bb!!!

💌  @jinsasleep hello jess!!!! u were one of the first ppl i EVER followed here @ tumblr dot com lol i had a different url when i first made this blog tho but i remember i sent u an ask saying i was a new blog and if u could rec some blogs and u sent me soooo many, many of which are now some of my fav mutuals!!! i totally admire u from afar i think youre an amazing person and that youre so lovely and sweet!! all the best for 2018 bb!!! ALSO!!!!! susan is so cute Bye

💌  @cyphriv clodagh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LISTEN ur an ACTUAL ray of sunshine u make me smile SOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!! the official irish mutual™ i literally find u so hilarious and ur so nice 2 me and wow also so beautiful i truly dont deserve u.....i lov my fellow little mix STAN (cant believe i still havent seen them live lol we will hav 2 go together!!!!!!!!!) thanks for making my day better whenever u come online!!!! luv u!!!!!

💌 @je0n hi anna!!!! we havent rlly spoke before but youre one of the first blogs i followed and i just wanted to include you in this bc not only is ur blog and content amazing, i think youre a truly wonderful person with a HUge heart!! i always see you giving advice to anons and your replies are always so long and detailed and :((( you just seem so sweet, kind and caring and i honestly hope you have an amazing holiday season and wonderful 2018!!! U deserve it!!

💌 @megjinglebells meg!!!!! well firstly let me just say youre an actual supermodel, youre so gorgeous its insane!!!!!!! on top of that you are also such a warm, kind and lovely person who truly deserves the world!!!! your blog is so cute i love it soo much and your love for jin is so adorable!!!!! all the best for 2018 bb!!!! u deserve to have an amazing year!

💌 @gothsyub hi bb!!!!! your blog is soooo cute!!!! we havent rlly spoken before but i get such lovely, friendly vibes from you and of course i love ur yoongi content seeing as tho i had swerved into his lane as of late......all the best for 2018 bb!!!!

💌 @honeyyjeon hello angel!!!!!!!! firstly let me say you are SOOOOO lovely, your blog is full of such cute content and ahhhhhh i love it so so much!! your posts really genuinely lighten up my day and u seem like such a friendly and approachable person!!!! have an amazing 2018 honey!!!

💌 @jeonsberry asya!!!! not only are u stunningly beautiful but youre also super cute and kind and wonderful!!!!!! your love for jungkook is so sweet and Wow i can relate bc that boy.....he is rly something........anyway back to u......ur so so so lovely and definitely deserve to have a brilliant 2018!!!! 

💌 @cloudjeon hello debbs!!!!!!! Listen ur so funny!!!! ur blog is truly hilarious and i know that when youre online my day is going 2 get better 1000% guaranteed!!! youre such a cute sweet angel and we aint talked that much lately but pls know that i lov u and i rly rly hope you have an amazing 2018 but i also hope that u sort ur sleeping schedule out!!!!! binch1!!!!!!!! u always awake how u do that!!!! ly my nocturnal bb!!!!!

💌 @cryjeon sara!!!!! my time zone twin!!!!! youre such a little angel i stg, you make me smile sooo much!!!! you’re honestly just such a nice, kind person and i hav so much love in my heart just for u!!!!! if anyone deserves to have a wonderful 2018 its u bby!!!!! 

💌 @dn-a hiya lee!!!! ur super cool and u literally make me laugh at least once a day how u do that.......i live for ur tags and txt posts theyre so hilarious!!! we dont rlly talk much but you come across as soooo lovely and kind!! all the best for 2018!!!

💌 @christmasjins hey elana!!! the jin mutual™ i love ur blog so much its nice to hav a healthy daily dose of mistre jin let me not lie!!! anyway ur such a wonderful person, youre so friendly and lovely and i just wanna give u a big hug!!!! 

💌  @jiminsgothbf VIC listen the rumours are tru im in lov with u........ur soooooo funny honestly wish u would get drunk and mssg me more often bc ur actually hilarious!!! i hoenstly love ur blog so much and im so glad i followed u!!!! cant wait for Jenna and Vic Take Leeds its gna be fkin wild !!!!! ly bb and all the best for 2018 u deserve to hav an amazing year!!!!

💌  @merryblondekth shan giefowugrieof Listen ur funny af but also wish youd let me live sometimes.......Anyway ill let u off bc youre an intellectual as you know that blonde tae is the best tae.....hes comin back in 2018 i can feel it in my bones and also my puthy.....ur always starting discourse which i love however only tru 90s kids will remember dickcourse.....hav an amazing 2018 bb!!!!!!

💌  @taetaez hi gio we dont rlly speak much but u seem rlly nice and i love ur blog so much!!!!! i love all ur posts ahh!!!! also i see u swervin into yoongi’s lane just wanna let u know i fully support that!!!! all the best for the new year bb!!!

💌  @4agstd hi angel!!!! you often tag me in yoongi stuff and let me just say real quick i truly appreciate that so much as he is the actual love of my life.....anyway ur blog is super duper cute and u seem like a rly lovely person who deserves a whole lotta love!!!!!

💌 @mistlemochi hannah im screaming i love ur blog SO MUCH ur so fuckin hilarious ur txt posts and tags literally hav me DYIN.....ur love for jimin is sooo pure and cute!!!! also ur so fuckigngng pretty like how can a person b that gorgeous Binch bye.......all the best for 2018!!!! ly!!!

💌  @beaniebangtan hi anita!!!! your blog is so nice and i think youre a lovely person!!! your art is also honestly so amazing?!?! like binch how u draw like that!?!??! i rly truly hope u have an amazing brilliant wonderful 2018!!! u deserve it1!!!

💌  @bbyboyjiminies megan!! we dont rlly talk much but i get such positive friendly vibes from you and your blog honestly brightens my day so so much!!! i wish you all the best for 2018, you totally deserve to have an amazing year bc of what a lovely person you are!!! 

💌  @strongjeon cami!!!!! youre such a wonderful person and i rly truly mean it when i say i love ur blog!!! i think youre such a sweet person and also ur so so beautifull Binch how u do that ?????? all the best for 2018!!! sending u lots of positive vibes for the new year! 

💌  @gingerbreadchan cherry1!!!!!! i rly love your blog SO much even if you talk about piss kink and feet 98% of the time !!!!!!!! pls youre so cute and lovely and just an all round wonderful person!!! you truly are a ball of sunshine i hope u know that!!!!! ur so loved bb!!!! i rly rly rly RLY hope u hav an amazing 2018!!! and pls know im always here for u angel no matter what !!

💌  @blueyoongles well miss cg one thing for sure is that i LOV U!!!! ur so so so funny and literally support me so much lmao??? if i reblog an ask meme i know ur gunna be there validate my ass and ur always replying to my posts with funny comments and wow i just lov u i hope we speak more in 2018!!!! ur so kind and sweet and thoughtful and im still waiting for ice cream date pt. 2!!!! usually cancers and leos wouldnt mix but we rlly out here proving the stars wrong huh?!!??!

💌  @honeydewjimin dax!!!!! Listen im lov u.....sooooo much......ur such a cutie and ur just so lovely and cute!!!!! even if u do send me weird shit sometimes origuhwefijwqego also an astrology Genius???? cnt believe you invented astrology wo w amazing......i hope ur 2018 is as wonderful as u are and i hope we speak more in the new year bb!!!! ly!!!!!!

💌  @ofsugas ahhh ur so so so cute and i LOVE ur blog!!!! axis ur so sweet i love how much yoongi content u provide on my dash!!!!!!! but also a jimin enthusiast? wow you and i are truly kin.....i hope u have a wonderful 2018 angel, u deffo deserve it! keep on bein the lil ray of sunshine that u are!!!

💌  @foryoubybts heather!!!!!! Listen ur blog is so positive i love it soooooo much!!! i must see you post at least once a day about how much you love and adore bts and im just like Binch......SAME!!!!!!!! ur so so cute and lovely and seem like such a kind warm hearted wow pls be my bff!!!! ALSO ur gorgeous and id do anythin for ur lovely red hair :((( all the best bb!!!!

💌  @poutyjimin hi luisa!!!!!! Ur sooooo fucking funny i swear i die at ur txt posts ur a true comic genius!!!! thanks for making my dash a better place with ur funny posts!!!! i hope your 2018 is as wonderful as you are!!

💌  @snowglhobi re listen ur an actual ray of ACTUAL sunshine!!!!! ur blog is amazing and so cute and wow i just love it so much :((((( noah fence but im in luv with u!!!!! also boyinlub is such a god tier url doeifqwod miss her so much cant wait 2 see her again in 2018!!!! wishing u all the best angel!!!!

💌  @jeonbye salla we dont talk much but ur sooo funny!!!! literally u make me laugh so much and ur blog is so cute and i get so many positive vibes from u!!!!! So guess what!!!!! im sending all those positive vibes right back at u!!!! have a great 2018 bb i hope the year treats u well bc u deserve it!!!

💌  @mewwychwistmas nestle, wow, i lov u!!!!!! ur my favourite brand of chocolate!!!! also ur love for shrek is so pure and wholesome, it’s so beautiful to see how much you adore him!!! efuqiwoef lol for real tho ur so funny and hilarious and the sun is literally jealous of u bc she could never be as bright and wonderful as u are!!!!!!!!! ALL THE BEST FOR 2k18 BB!!!!!!!!! (im a master bby....wish ur toes)

💌  @jikooksgf hey zara!!!!!! listen!!!! ima only say this once!!!!! i love u and ur blog a lot!! i literally live for u aesthetic posts like binch so fuckin pretty!!!!! ur so sweet and seem sooooo lovely i hope youre doing well bb!!! also rly hope that 2018 treats u well and that u have a brilliant year ahead of u bc u deserve it!!!

💌  @kkultae hello!!!! firstly lemme just say ur super talented!!! ur art is amazing suwiojdw like its literally so good binch how u draw like that i cant even hold a pen.....ALSO ur so pretty wow pls be my gf :( i rmr u called me ur tumblr crush once and WOW my heart burst when u said that let me not lie.....anyway hope ur 2018 is as wonderful and amazing as u are!!!!! LY!!!!

💌  @sleepiemoon hi bb!!! we dont talk all that much but i genuinely get such lovely, positive vibes from you!! you seem like a wonderful person, and just wanna say i love ur blog and ur posts, they make me smile sooo much!!! all the best for 2018 angel <3 

💌  @winngs elena !!!! every time i see ur name i think of the vampire diaries lmao guwefiqwdo ANYWAY this binch (me) loves u and ur blog a LOT and she also thinks u deserve all the warmth love and happiness the world has to offer in 2018 bc guess what!!!!!! ur an actual lil ray of sunshine and u deserve it!!!! all the best!!!! 

💌  @firemv sarah wow OKKK name a more positive, lovely, amazin, caring, funny tumblr user than firemv i’ll wait.............ur honestly such a babe and i love u a lot!!!!!!! also ur a taurus so bonus points for that!!!! seriously tho i adore u, u literally invented languages like???? multilingual queen over here??? u honestly brighten my dash and u truly deserve to have a wonderful 2018!!!! all the best bb!!!

💌  @sailorjoon fy!!!!!! youre such a warm, lovable, friendly, amazing person but rly am i surprised?? i mean ur a cancer and all cancers are amazing lol!!!!!! honestly tho i think youre such an amazing person, your blog is soo wonderful and cute and wow me??? so in lov with u???? its more likely than u think!!!! jenfy 2k18!!!! ly bb!!!!

💌  @clownjimin stefi we dont talk tbh but fhbwdjq LISTEN ur so fuckin funny and ur blog is not only hilarious but also super cute !!!!!! have a wonderful 2018 im sending u lots of positive vibes bb!!!!!

💌  @starprincejimin  anna! we dont talk that much but you seem like such a lovely, kind, cute person and wow i just admire u so much from afar.....my new years resolution is to get to know u better bc ur literally just so amazing!!!!! all the best for 2018 angel!!!!

💌  @jeonpalette hi bb!!! ur blog is definitely one of the cutest blogs i follow!!!!!! we dont talk all that much but u seem so genuine and lovely and i rly wish u all the best for the upcoming year, u deserve to have an amazin 2018!!!!

💌  @clairelions chiara!!! you are honestly one of the most lovely, genuine, kind, talented and friendly people i have met on here!!! im so glad we got talking bc you are soooo cute!!! i love all ur edits too, they’re so incredibly beautiful just like you!!! all the best for 2018 bb, you honestly deserve to have such an amazing year!!

💌  @suransgf hey nura!!!! ur suuuuuuper cute and sweet!!! also ur mobile themes are also aesthetic af im always like Yes ma lov it when u bless my mobile app with that minimalistic look!!!!! ur rlly lovely and i hope ur 2018 is as wonderful as u are!!!!!

💌 @jeonggok hiiii bb!!!!! Listen ur so cute and i rly love ur blog a lot!!!! one of my new years resolutions is 2 get to know u better because u seem like a lovely person and ye lets be best friends!!!! all the best for the new year angel!!!!

💌  @byungjoo / @acustd laura listen i would be NOTHING without u......ur always out here responding to my incessant ask memes and let me just say i appreciate u binch!!!!!! ur sooo lovely, cute, funny not 2 mention drop dead gorgeous!!!! i rly hope ur 2018 is amazing bc u honestly deserve it so much!!! ly!!!!

💌  @daisyguk kiara!!! firstly ur name is so pretty!!! secondly!!!! we dont talk a lot but id love 2 get to know u better bc u seem rlly rlly sweet!!!! also so many anons have a crush on you like???? ur so loved wow????? hope ur 2018 is amazing bb u rly deserve it!!! sending u lots of love and warmth and positive vibes!!!

💌  @jiminnight hi jo!!!! (is it ok to call u thathwdjieufqw) listen up!!!!! U !!!!! ARE !!!! SO !!!!!! CUTE !!!!! AND !!!!! I !!!!! LOVE !!!! U !!!!! A LOT!!!!! SO !!!! JOT THAT DOWN!!!!! u seem like such a wonderful person and i see u spreading a lot of love and i just wana say i think ur amazing!!!!!!!!! all the best for 2018!!!!

💌  @g0thbug hi hazy!!!!! we aint ever spoke before but listen!!!!!!!!!!! ur blog and u are super cute and wow i love u a lot!!!! hope ur 2018 is brilliant!!!!!

💌  @dimples anna!!!! ur so lovely, i love ur blog a LOT!!!! ur so kind and sweet to everyone and you just seem like someone who spreads a lot of positivity and i lov that about u!!!!! we dont speak all that much but i’d love to get to know u better and thems the facts!!!! hope ur 2018 is as sweet as u are <3 

💌  @gfmp3 hii!!!!!!!!!! we aint ever rly spoken before but wow i lov u so much already!!!!! ur blog is so aesthetic and cute and yeh!!!!! i love it a hell of a lot!!!! ur a little ball of sunshine, thanks for brightening up my dash everyday!! all the best for the new year!!

💌  @vanillalattaes hi angel!!!! u seem like such a positive, loving person and i just wana say i lov u and ur blog A LOT!!!!!!! i hope get to know ech other more in the new year if ur up for that!!!! thanks for being a cute lil flower and making my dash a better place!!!! ly!!!

💌  @seokchiminie henlo!!!!! we only recently became mutuals but lemme just say ur such a lovely person with such a kind, warm vibe!!!! listen binch i lov u!!! and i hope ur 2018 is as wonderful as u are i rly mean that!!!! 

💌  @raplinesgf hi gio!!!! we only recently became mutuals but im SOOO glad we did bc i love u and ur blog soooooo much!!!! i truly hope your 2018 is full of love, warmth and happiness bc that’s what u deserve !!!!! also!!!!! UR RED HAIR IS SO GORGEOUS!!!! 

💌  @deletaed hi kris!!!! let me Not lie i’ve been admiring u from afar for a while now!! i think youre a really great person and pls know that i love u and ur blog a whole lot!!! im sending u lots of happy positive vibes for 2018, u deserve to have an amazin year!!

🎀🌹💓💗💖✨💕a few honourable mentions (i love u guys a lot!!!!! i could honesly write a cute lil paragrpah about u all but if im being honest ive ran out of steam at this point lmao !!!!! ur blogs are amazing and honestly brighten up my day!!!! i’d love to get to know u all better in 2018!!!! pls hmu any time !!!!!!! lov u!!!!!)🎀🌹💓💗💖✨💕 

@etudehaus @spicekook @1honeyoongi @jjkboo @ohjiminn @1taesgf @wvaterlily @hqjeons @repackages @taelilies @lovlesbians @9yoong @peachiichiim @acciosugas @parkjimin2 @dwjjk @milklattaes @ilyjimn @yyouth @jurassicjimin @lipsmp3 @taev-gucci @gayminyoongi @taetle @pjmin @lovelytaeh @6apricorn @01nochu @rosyhoseok @mitaesoro @christmasyoong @princessyoongi

[theday]

hello! as 2017 is ending nd 2018 is starting i thought i’d do a mutual appreciation post like many others are doing/have done because wtf i love my friends [dowoon voice] hey! and yes thats me down there bc hashtag love myself hashtag love yourself - big time rush, 2017 

heres some (hopefully) short sappy story lads,, so ive converted this blog 3 times from a 5sos one to an aes blog and now we’re here! ive had this as a kpop sideblog since the start of july and i never expected to make as many friends as i have now and it still wows me so much wtf... i love all of you im gonna throw myself off a cliff into a sea of love 

legend: ☆ - people i love a lot, ☾- the most important to me!, bolded for trusted mutual

short message to my moon people alright hopefully i dont write an essay

☾ @softshouyous: falen waht the fuck u know when u told me we were only friends for a whole year and a half i didnt believe it ;-/ i thought we were pals for longer thats just how close we are i guess ive done so many falen love essays so ill be repeating myself lmao youre one of my greatest friends on here and twitter and i just wanted to say thank you, for a few things!! first for staying strong and being here today!! second is for following (back?) on twitter which lead us to not Dying off u kno...,, third is for being someone i can rely on whenever i need to and talking to you makes me feel the safest bc i know.. i know u rly like being my friend ur my safe friend my special place i love u :D 

☾ @briwoon: hey boxy!!!!!!!!! i dont remember how we became friends but i have a lot to say to u why didnt u send a tree in dhhdh u dont have to bc ill be professing my love for u here b*thc ! dude ok i always say this bc im basically a broken record but thank you sososososoosososososososoosososo much for introducing me to day6 because damn without you i wouldnt be here and i dont know how id have managed to survive the rest of the year without them so really- thank you so damn much i love u the mostest :( i know u might be going through some tough times but please know that i am here for you (so is bell!) so feel free to talk to us anytime!! another thing, thank u for introducing me to mx as well you really brought happiness into my life bc of everything..! ur imapct my dude!!!!!! this all happened bc of you! this is happening bc of you and i just want you to know that youve given me a reason to smile everyday nd im hoping one day youll have a reason to smile daily too! im glad astro are helping you out too and that you like them :-( i love u 2 the moon and back! 

☾ @tokayhk: bell just 2 start off ill be saying no homo duhdjhdh just kidding i love u so much okay i know we havent even been buddies for that long but it feels like ive known u for more! !!!!! ur a friend i can rant to (and be extra shady with) and youve also helped me accept reality (thank u god) even tho i did hate u for like 1 minute but im over that please dm me any time to tell me 2 wake the fuk up bc sometimes i need it ;-/ despite being a youngin youre super mature which led me to think u were like 18 but thats clearly not the case jdjs its okie though ur doing amazing for a [redacted] year old!!!!! please i love ur humor so much and every time u say ur not funny i wanna punhc u but with love bc ur the funniest person i know :-( u always make us (the hq) laugh and pleas its amazing ur presence in the gc rly brightens the whole place up i love u also ur impact ive been using the phrases u say a lot more often now i shld start crediting u in the tags or smth (c) bell ! also! im glad u got into astro bc before boxy u were the only person id be yelling to on twitter about astro im glad u like them too wtf ! i love u so much and thank u for being my friend and being born :-0 i already told u like a few lines back but u rly are funnie and also ur art i mcdie every time huhuuhu i miss ur streams but idk when im free ;-( ur streams rly made my day we became friends through that and the gc is thriving its been a good year ! 

ill stop there bc this post would get super long if i didnt now on 2 my buddies!! (?? how many alphabets are there)

A-L:

@astrofireworks / @briwoon ☆ / @ckyun / @chaekkung ☆ / @cinnamoonbunbin ☆ / @dalkkong ☆ / @eggkyun / @eunrocky / @gothhyungwon ☆ / @heybinnie / @hokidan / @hyyh-pt2 / @ikyh / @imchangkyute / @ilovedowoon / @jianhyuk / @jinwooes / @jooheun ☆ / @kihyunswife ☆ / @kimkyungsoos / @kiwirn / @leedongmlns ☆ / @ljh-94 

M-guys i cant do the fucking hashtag what the fuck pretend its there:

@m1nhyuk ☆ / @minhyukt ☆ / @mxgoth / @myunghjun / @mxrays / @minhyukwithagun ☆ / @monbeebs ☆ / @morningcallz / @nubebe ☆ / @oikawayylmao / @parkminhyuksegg / @softki​ / @softshouyous​ ☆ / @space-triangles​ / @smileyrocky​ / @tokayhk​ ☆ / @vmxns​ / @whonpil​ / @warmhyungwon / @04yeol / @1showho ☆ / @15hyungwon / @94honeyluv 

if you werent added in here (aka my dumbass forgot) just like this post and ill add u immediately!!! also dont worry if you werent bolded/starred i love everyone!!!!!! all of you have made my 2017 a little bit better and brighter and i hope we’ll be able to stay friends/mutuals in the next year as well 

feel free to unfollow/break the mutual anytime though!! :D your dash should be filled with things you want to see/love! this should be posted at 12am my time so happy new year (eve, for most) i hope everyone has a good day/night! thank you once again for making my year better ♡

i neevr shut up but another thing,, good job to everyone for managing to make it through another year!! im proud of everyone okie i love u guys :_) oh ya god can i shut up but shout out to my secret santas!!! miss cryptic if ur out there thank u for being an awesome ss i hope ur doing well !! 

[freelytinystudentblog-blog]

Beginning

So I guess for starters Im gonna say i am probably going to remain anonymous for a while. Also this stuff might get deep and personal so ill change all names. Since freelytinystudentblog is ridiculously long im just going to go but Eve because why not. Im not trying to look for attention posting all this stuff but i need an outlet and what better way to do it than anonymously on a website where it probably wont get read. So if you do happen to stumble onto this page then welcome. Hopefully you wont get bored. I guess its time for me to start with the beging which would be about 3ish years ago when I was a wee little lass and believed that because i was 13 i was basically the shit(which i obvously wasnt). I had moved a total of 3 times which doesnt seem too bad but it was always when i got really attached to people we moved and i never spoke to them again. This time was no different. We moved from one small town to another. Being one of the only mixed kids there besides my brother was surprisingly positive and annoying. Why youre probaly not asking? Well because my hair was everyones interest. A big ball of poof i always threw into a pony tail because honestly there wasnt much else to do with it. Everyone wanted to play with it or see how much stuff i could hide in it. It was fun at first but quickly got annoying. While there was that downside to the town it also had some positives. For example it was there that i realized that i was bisexual. To be honest i never thought about liking girls until my boyfriend at the time and his friend were talking about how they were both Bi and i said it to fit in a little. I didnt actually believe it until i realized the way girls made me felt. How i always caught myself looking at their chests and their butts, and how i fell for my friend Taylor. She was my first offical girl crush. Anyway this is getting a little off topic though it was important. Like i said there were many positives like the cool friends i got to meet, I got into blood in the dance floor and had a little emo phase and met a guy i thought id be with forever. That all sounds good but with all positives comes negatives. I began to get super depressed and even cut a few times. I felt trapped in my relationship with Damien. Whenever we fought hed threaten to kill himself or say stuff like “without you id kill myself” which is a shitty thing to say to someone in my opinion. I started doing things id never do like sneaking my boyfriend over and all that. But the biggest neutral that happened was me losing my virginity. No big deal it seems but i was freshly turned 14 and he was 16. We werent safe there was no protection. I know losing your virginity is supposed to be meaningful but i dont remember it. I wasnt drunk or anything so i dont know why i dont remember it. Anyway a couple weeks later i snuck out and walked around town and ended up having sex again in the graveyeard(insert judgement here) I knew something was wrong soon after. I felt sick so i told him i thought i was pregnant. He paled and asked if i was would i abort it. I instantly said no because i dont believe in abortions. After that night things got weird. Me my mom and my brother went to Tennessee. Driving up the mountains i felt sick to my stomach which i brushed off as carsickness. We get back from our vacation and i started craving the weirdest shit like frozen hot pockets, whole packages of cheese ect. I caught myself randomly thinking about having a baby and got scared. I ended up having my older family friend get me a pregnancy test and surprise surprise i was el prego. I cried for about 5 minuets before shutting down. I didnt know how to feel i was only 14. I called and  told Damien that night and he was as shocked as i was. Later on he told me he started crying after we hung up. So a few days later i went home and told mom. She wasnt as mad as i thought she would be. She refused to let me give the baby up for adoption because it was my mistake and i had to live with it. I dont think i couldve done it anyway. No one really understands how attached you get to the little baby inside you. I believe the same day i told the rest of my family. My grandma didnt talk to me for a couple of months. I had an aunt who told me i needed to give it up for adoption because i was gonna ruin the babys life.I had another aunt not let me see my cousin Bri for atleast 6 months which hurt so much. Me and bri are like sisters we’ve been almost inseperable ever since we were little which is funny since shes younger than me. Damien was determined to stay in the babys life and not leave no matter what. Me being pregnant at such a young age wasnt easy. I lost most of my friends and began homeschooling which was terrible. The nine months of me being pregnant was basically filled with me fighting with my boyfriend getting insanely jealous, cheating, and more sex. We shouldve left each other months ago. Looking back i shouldve left sooner. It was a toxic relationship for both of us. 9 months later my baby boy was born. Mister Phoenix. My angel. It was kind of ridiculous damien and i fought even in the hospital. We brought phoenix home and i was hoping the relationshup would get better. It didnt. I caught him sexting his ex and swore to break it off with him. I didnt. I swore to myself i wasnt going to let my baby grow up without a father. In july 2015 we moved 45 minuets away. Damien came on the weekends because my mom picked him up and took him home. That laster all summer until school started and he couldnt anymore. It seemed like us being apart made us fight even more. By november he broke up with me. Now i was 15 and a single mother. I was devasted. I had no one to turn to since i didnt have any friends in my new town. I was alone and began eating my depression away. Every month on the 11th i would sit down and cry. I wasnt in a good state. By 2016 i swore to myself id move on from Damien and become an amazing mother but it was so hard He kept popping in every 3 months or so flirting with me making me fall for him over and over again only to get crushed over and over again. It was a hellish cycle but honestly im glad i went though it. Why you ask? Well simply because every time he left itd give me more reason to stop liking him and even hating him. Now he texts me and i just roll my eyes. Going through that definately helped me move on. He wasnt there for any of the birthdays and i honestly am glad. I understand its my kids father but i grew up with a dad who lived in the same city and still couldnt come see me. I dont want my baby going through that. Once hes older i plan on explaining everything and giving him a choice of whether he wants to get in contact with his father or not. Itll be completely up to him. Now before you start judging me to hard think about this. I became a single parent at 15. The father never visted his son or even asked. Hell this january was the first time he saw phoenix in Two years. Two thats ridiculous. After the very awkward encounter he hasnt bothered asking to see him since. Its hard for people who dont have kids to understand this i know but i know what im doing is for the best. This sunday is going to be his 3rd birthday and his father came up with stupid excuses as usual. Now i know i left out some stuff but some of it is hard to put into words plus if i added anymore itd be unbelievably long. So this was the begining and current i guess. 14 and pregnant. 15 and a single parent. currently almost 18 and still doing it bymyself just a little better. Thats all for now. Ill probably make another one soon about relationships while being a single parent so yeah. Peace.

[alicedoessurveys]

loooooong survey

Childhood

Did you spend your childhood time with mostly real or imaginary friends?: real. I spent most summers/half terms with my cousins and my neighbour’s grandkids. Did people consider you an odd child?: not odd, just shy  Do you have memories that go back to when you were only a few months old?: nope Do you remember any thoughts you had when you where very young?: not really nope  

Were they intricate or simple thoughts?: probably simple but I can't remember 

If you answered “intricate”, give an example of one of those thoughts: n/a

Were you dreams very vivid as a child?: yes, still do. I also used to get really bad night terrors a lot as a kid What is the strangest memory you have from early childhood?: can't think of anything strange.. Were you a child prodigy or did you display any gifts at a young age?: I drew a lot, but I was no prodigy What was the most “grown-up” thing you ever said as a child?: I have no idea What were your favourite TV shows in early childhood?: I grew up on Fairly Odd Parents, Rugrats, Tracy Beaker Were you afraid of monsters?: yes, especially zombies Did you believe that fictional characters were real?: yes Were you more quiet and artistic or loud and physical? quiet and artistic  Issues and stuff Do you eat meat?: yup, but only beef, chicken and bacon/sausage  If you do, what is your justification for it?: I dont feel I need to justify it, just like I wouldn't expect a vegetarian to justify why they dont eat meat. each to their own.  If you could legalize 3 things in the US, what would they be?: I dont live in the US, I dont really know their laws and I dont really care  Do you believe in the death penalty?: nope Did Mumia do it?: do what..? If you had a choice, which country would you have chosen to be born into?: I like that im English, I just wish I was born in a different part of England cause Birmingham is a shit hole What are your opinions of Michael Moore?: I dont know who that is  Describe your feelings about marijuana legalization: I think it should be for those who need it for medical stuff Red, White and Blue is a ghastly color combination, right?: nope What television news coverage do you detest the most?: all of it, I dont watch the news What will you do if Bush is re-elected? Im British, I dont care  Which state do you think will drop off into the ocean first?: idk Who do you consider “American Heros”?  I feel like these questions are very aimed at Americans  Completely Obtuse And Silly Questions Have you ever taken something apart just to see how it worked? yes  Do you ever yell at the television while you are alone? Reason?: not yell, but talk to the telly yeah. and not even just while im alone.  Name a few things (if any) that you bought on Ebay recently: I cant remember the last time I bought something off eBay  Are the Muppetes sinister? Think about it.: nope... o.O Do you watch the Science Channel (Discovery) on a regular basis?: no ive never watched it  Ever gotten into an “in person” argument with a total stranger? Discuss: yup. basically I was at this event thing where they had boats and pretty floating lights and shit on a river. we had waited all day to see them and when they were finally coming past we couldn't see them because it was so crowded and there was a “security guy” stood in the way. There was kids infront of me who kept saying they couldn't see because of him so I yelled “MOVE” and he turned around and started arguing with me. Long story short, he eventually moved out the way and found a space where he wasn't blocking anyones view and the people around me thanked me. I felt so awkward after cause im not a confrontational person at all but I was so tired & irritated that I just snapped.  Sugar or Honey?: Sugar What’s on your desk right now?: im not sat at my desk atm  How many e-mails do you recieve a day?: about 20 Do you think that time travel is a possibility?: no Are you slightly addicted to online tests and surveys?: not addicted, I just enjoy doing them to pass time San Francisco or New York City?: ive never been to either, but I would like to go to New York  What are your favorite color combinations?: grey and light blush pink looks nice Close your eyes and type the first random image that pops into your head: I cant because im listening to hairspray so thats all I can see right now  Do you enjoy night or day better?: depends what im doing  Favorite animal: Dogs   Have you ever been to a protest?: Nope, but ive ended up in the same place as a protest was taking place and it was horrible Aggravated a cop on purpose?: No Ever gone train hopping/ridden the rails?: Nope If you could choose a time period in which to live, which would it be?: I’m fine with this one Ever put your hand through a window?: no List a few words you hate the sound of: the c word And a few you like the sound of: idk Are you sick of this survey yet? not really  Emotions And Such Have you attempted suicide more than once?: No  Cutting?: Yes Do you get violent when you are angry?: Not with people, just with myself or just like throw stuff on the floor like a brat  Which emotion are you most consumed by?: fear Are you highly emotive?: Yes Do you discuss problems or keep them to yourself?: keep them to myself, and if I do discuss them I downplay or make jokes Do you fall in love easily?: not in love, but I do fall for people too easy What age/year was the most difficult for you?: around ages 19-now How do you channel your anger/sadness?: shut myself away and cry  Ever been addicted to alcohol or drugs?: No

Ever been homeless?: No List a few simple things that make you happy: playing sims, Tumblr, theatre When were you most recently your happiest?: hanging out with nick and Addison the other day  Do you consider yourself empathetic?: yes Friends Do you have friends that are drastically different from each other?: my main group of friends is only like 3 people and they have their differences but not drastic differences List a few key traits that all of your friends have in common: my friends are all into gaming, watching films & eating Do you keep in touch with friends from high school?: yes, two of my best friends are from school Have you lost touch with many of your friends?: almost everyone I become friends with end up losing touch in the end but ive been friends with Addison for 10 years and Rhys for 20 years Are they mostly local or long distance?: local  When you go out with friends, what kinds of things do you do?: usually go to the arcade, cinema and get food Have you ever been betrayed by a close friend?: yes If yes, are you still friends with that person?: no Are your friends mostly your age, younger or older?: rhys & Addison are 23, nick is 25, I am 22

Do you have a hard time making friends because most people bore you?: no, I have a hard time making friends because im socially awkward Do you like to hang out with friends one-on-one or in groups?: groups, it takes the pressure off in conversations Which of you online friends do you have the most in common with?: I dont have any online friends Family Are you close to your family?: yes What traits are you glad you inherited from them?: faithfulness & a good sense of humour  What sitcom does your family most remind you of?: I cant think of anything other than that me and my mom are a lot like Miranda and her mom from the sitcom ‘Miranda’ Does your family live locally or far away?: local Have you ever stopped speaking to someone in your family?: yes Have either of your parents died?: no, thank god Is your family very much like you or are you opposites?: a lot like me  How many siblings do you have?: one older sister Has your family ever thrown food at each other?: yes, every christmas season we throw chocolates at each other from the Quality Street or Roses tins Are the holidays a nightmare or a time of joy?: I love Christmas Day and I normally love christmas shopping but this year I found it all very stressful because I was so busy at the theatre and I had no money to buy gifts  Do you look like your parents?: ive been told I do List one interesting fact about your family: apparently my dads side of the family is descended from royalty Lovers Gay, Straight, Bi-sexual or no idea?: Straight Married/partnered?: Single Ever gone out with someone you were embarrassed to be seen with?: no Ever broken someones heart?: someone I “dated” in infant school told me when we reunited in senior school that I broke his heart. but I didn't actually do anything so I dont know where he got that from  How many serious relationships have you had?: none Have you ever lusted obsessively over someone you knew you couldn’t have?: not obsessively lusted, but I have fancied guys that I knew nothing could ever happen.  Do you believe in the theory of soulmates?: yes Ever cheated?: No Been cheated on?: No Thrown someones stuff out on the lawn/stairs/etc.?: Nope Had your stuff thrown out on the lawn/stairs/etc.?: Nope Most important emotional qualities of a lover?: someone who makes me feel happy and can make me smile, makes me feel comfortable, is caring, trustworthy, honest, affectionate  Most important physical qualities?: I dont think physical qualities are super important but I do fall for peoples eyes & smile Food & Drink Non-alcoholic beverage of choice: cherry coke or caramel hot chocolate Alcoholic beverage of choice: cider Foods you crave on a regular basis: chocolate

Salsa and Chips or Pita and Hummus?: neither Meat or Tofu?: Meat Soup or Salad?: soup Soda or Juice?: Soda Can I get you anything else?: You didn't get me anything..? :’) Favorite candy:: chocolate in general Favorite food to make: lasagne 

Food brand that you hate?: idk Do you try to buy all organic?: nope  Favorite fast food?: mcdonalds Final Questions Ever had a great song ruined for you after it was used in a commercial?: yes

Ever yelled at an SUV?: nope A Hummer?: Nope Ever faked being sick to get out of going somewhere?: yes If you could turn back time and change one thing, what would it be?: stay in college Bambi or Nemo?: Nemo List 3 things that are worrying you right now: 1, money. 2, a meeting I have to go to next week that im absolutely dreading. 3, I have this constant annoying anxiety that tells me my friends dont actually like me and that I get on everyones nerves.  Do you think you’ll ever have children if you don’t already?: not my own now, but I hope to adopt Do you think there is life on other planets?: no Have you ever broken a leg or arm?: nope Would you rather stay in the house or do things outside: depends on my mood David Letterman or Jay Leno?: I dont know who they are  Last words?: Bye

[emziley]

All of the even numbers!

MVP for being the first ask I got...ever XD (also, sorry It took so long! I was almost done then my computer died and I had to restart D: )2. Do you have any nicknames?Emi, Milly, Em, Emziley (But I rarely use that aside from screen names) also, Jade 4. What is the longest your hair has ever been?probably at my butt! or at least lower back....its almost back at that length 6. Favorite flavor?Blue8. Are you friends with any of your exes?Yes! and hes married to my best friend now too :)10. How grammatically correct are you when you text?I text how I would normally speak so not very accurate? but also not like text talk12. Creamy or chunky peanut butter?Creamy! Who eats chunky?14. DC or Marvel?Yes. Mostly Marvel16. Do you have any stickers on your laptop computer?There’s a small note taped on it XD its my moms computer so not really. but If I had my own there would be stickers all over it!!18. Do you read any magazines?Not really20. What is your go-to Starbucks drink?I never tried starbucks!22. Last show you binge watched?Voltron?24. Favorite Disney princess?me!- just kidding, Probably Elsa! (Does she count?)26. Favorite thing to cook for yourself?I CAN MAKE FISH!!! Its one of the very few things I can make so I’m glad I like fish xD28. Have you ever butt dialed anyone?Probably?30. Any styles of music you do not like?Country? I mean some songs are good but---32. Have you ever gotten a ticket while driving?I can’t drive :( 34. Showers or baths?I’ve been really wanting to take a bath and I haven’t been able to, so bath.36. Are you fluent in more than one language?I’d like to be, but I’m not.38. What is the heaviest you have ever weighed?I don’t know? probably around 200lbs40. Have you ever uttered a spoken hashtag?Yes. moving on.42. Favorite non-chocolate candy?Jolly ranchers :D44. If you could have one superpower, which one would you most like to have?Teleportation. Then I dont have to drive! Or walk... XD46. From 1-10, rate your dancing ability.4? 48. From 1-10, rate your driving ability.Idk like a 5 for when I started to learn? 50. Do you drink soda? If so, which one is your favorite?Moutain Dew. The worst shit for you52. Spring or autumn?Im alergic to spring so autumn xD54. Can you play any musical instruments?Yes! A guitar! Kind of piano, I want to learn more. Someone once told me "learn to play a little of any instrament you can get your hands on"56. How easily do you cry?Very. 😧58. Favorite YouTube channel?ArtfulImpersonator :v (and not just because you're asking) 60. How long have you known your best friend?Wich one? About 5 years ago? 62. Last CD you bought?Ed Sheeran for my sister for christmas 💜64. Have you ever been broken up with?Yes,66. How long was your longest relationship? Are you still with that person?2 and a half years, and yes :) 68. Have you ever acted in a play or a musical?Multiple! And I would love to again. 70. Have you ever sexted?😶 yeah~ 72. Real or fake Christmas trees?Story time! Once we got a real tree and it had a nest of spiders in it. Never again will we get a real tree. Ours has "snow" on it :) 74. How well can you write in cursive?Pretty well! You might be interested to know I learned at a young age because they thought it would help me with my dyslexia! 76. Do you like any boy bands?Hahhahahahahaha. Most. 78. Have you ever gotten any stitctopic. Thankfully not! I think I'd panic too much tbh80. What is the oldest piece of clothing you still wear and how old is it?I still have socks from when I was seven? But I also have old sweaters from my grandparents which are probably older than me82. Have you ever dyed your hair?Yes! It was rainbow at one point 😃84. How long have you been at your current job?Currently don't have a job :/86. Phrase you say the most?Well fuck. 88. Have you ever gotten fired from a job?No. 90. Have you ever been a Boy/Girl Scout?I've been both! XD girlscouts we just colored, venture crew (boyscouts) we did alot of fun stuff but it didnt last because the troop was dying out to the point it was me and my sister and one other person holding it together92. Do you eat meat?Yes, though im not a big meat eater94. Worst habit?Hating myself... 96. Do you believe in ghosts?Yes98. Do you consider rapping singing?Not really? 100. Favorite store to shop at?Cleché but hot topic102. Favorite Pokémon?Piplup! I want a real one. 104. Do you drink alcohol at all? If so, what is your drink of choice?I don't drink much, but usually Mikes hard lenonade (of various flavors) but I did have a sangrea last night which was pretty good! 106. Favorite type of cookie?Peanut butter blossoms or oreos108. Biggest pet peeve?I don't know actually? 110. Favorite literary character?Probably Karkat Vantas xD does homesuck count? 112. Do you wear or have your ever worn glasses? Yes, sense I was 2 actually xD114. Have you ever been the victim of a prank? Yeah, nothing too bad though! 116. Have you ever taken a nude selfie?Maybe......... Yes. 118. Favorite fandom?They all have their downsides but homestuck basically rearranged my entire life and had such an influence both good and bad so I think I want to go with homestuck120. Have you ever snorted when you laughed? All the time xD122. Favorite Disney song?Let it go is fun to sing~124. Random girls’ name.Melony126. How many people are in your nuclear family?4 and a cat so that's 5128. What is your Myers-Briggs personality type?INFP-T (i think thats Mayers-Briggs?) 130. Biggest regret?Art school 132. Do you like any soap operas?XD no, I like to pretend Im in one sometimes though. Its fun. 134. What sports team(s) do you root for? Uh hufflepuff quittich team? 136. Have you ever been hit on by someone of the same gender?Yes. XD then we dated. 138. Name a moment in your life when you were pleasantly surprised. When my partner changed their mind from "I'll think about it" to "yes"140. Have you ever left a movie theater before the movie was done?Yeah, I REALLY had to pee... 142. Is sex before marriage wrong?Not nessisarilly, as long as both people want sex, go for it! 144. Can you handle spicy food?Not as much as I used to and that upsets me :(146. Do you like MTV?Not really~148. TV show or movie you quote/reference the most?Steven Universe xD150. Where do you think is the best place to meet a new lover?Anywhere! If you're having fun at a place and they're having fun at the same place (or chatroom :v) ans you hit it off and eventually date and~ 152. Favorite thing to do outside?Look at (and take pictures of) nature. 154. Do you say “y'all” at all?Yes xD156. Do you believe in evolution?Yes? 158. Favorite Beatles song?Ob-la-di ob-la-da (I think thats the name?) 160. Have you ever been to Disney World or Disneyland?Yes! And preformed there ;D162. Do you like to go fishing?I don't have the patents for that tbh164. Do you take medication for anything? Yes, for Epilepsy. Thank you for reminding me to take it! 166. From 1-10, how much do you like children? 3 maybe? If they're well behaved.... 168. Have you ever been bungee jumping or skydiving?Yeah, no. Nope. Not doing it. 170. Do you collect anything?I uses to collect giraffes xD and still have alot of them! But Yeah, I have a few collections. 172. Have you ever been a bridesmaid or a groomsman?Not yet. Soon. 174. What was your favorite toy to play with when you were a child?My mind xD nah probably babrie dolls? 176. Have you ever learned anything from a how-to YouTube video?Like everything. { :v still cant brush wigs without watching your video and crying... } 178. Have you ever wished you were born the opposite gender? Yeah~180. Do you have a pool at your house?Yes. 182. Do you like karaoke?Sometimes? 184. Have you ever ran a marathon?Hahahahaha. Nob:(186. Any guilty pleasures?Yes.............. Yes. 188. Do you live in a house or an apartment?House. 190. Worst job you’ve ever had?Im not sure you could call it a "job" but I worked at a haunted house where they gave you "cash prizes" for the days you worked. I missed the first few days because I was in the hospital and told him I couldn't be near strobe lights. Unfortunatly I was put by the strobe lights. I worked 2 days, desided I was more trouble than I was worth and never went to pick up my money. I stilk get a little anxiety thinking about it tbh. 192. Were you ever voted homecoming/prom king or queen? Nah :p kinda wish I ran but~194. Have you ever gotten detention? I don't think so? 196. Have you ever taken a road trip just for the fun of it? Yes! My family used to have mini rode trips alot... Recently though me and my dad went on two big ones, one to california 2 years ago and colorado a few weeks ago! 198. Were you a part of any academic clubs in high school or college?No... 200. How long have you been on tumblr?4ish years?(Thank you 😁)

[princeyandanxiety]

Yo it's NOT cinnanon ( they're cool tho if you're reading this cinnanon I like your style) Do all 97 get to know u questions pls. This meme loving pizza nacho needs to know all the answers - memeloving pizza-nacho

Well, memelord, you get all the answers for this dumb thing. You know, I WAS going to write and finish off a poor anon’s prompt which has been waiting in my inbox for like four days but nope I’m doing this.

@andy-the-anon @prinxiety-logality-sanders-sides @anxietyandlogic @mira-jadeamethyst

1. What’s your middle name?

It starts with an A and that’s all ur getting

2. What are you listening to right now?

Summer’s Coming Early by Hi I’m Case

3. What was the last thing you ate?

Instant noodles lmao I had lunch like an hour ago

4. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?

My mum to tell her that I’m not dead. That was on Thursday.

5. Do you drink?

Nope

6. Do you smoke?

Ahahahhaha I’m asthmatic heeeeell no

7. What is the first thing you noticed in someone?

When I first met one of my past crushes, I first noticed her eyes. They were super blue and pretty 

8. What is your hair color?

Strawberry blonde

9. What is your eye color?

That is a hotly debated topic among my irl friends, but we’re pretty sure it’s grey.

10. Do you wear contacts/glasses?

Glasses so my brain doesn’t die trying to correct my astigmatism lmao

11. Dogs or cats?

12. What’s your favorite animal?

I guess I like quokkas?

13. What’s your favorite television show?

That I actually watch on television? Doctor Who. That I watch online? Miraculous Ladybug.

14. What’s your favorite movie?

Brave or Moana. Or Tangled. I like my Disney Princesses.

15. What’s your favorite band/singer?

All Time Low is my fav if I had to choose

16. How old are you?

Currently 17, but I will be 18 in a few months.

17. Do you have a crush on anyone?

Nope annnnnd im starting to wonder if i ever will?

18. What’s your sexual orientation?

Bisexual. I think.

19. What’s your favorite color?

*looks around room* purple, apparently. Although i prefer wearing black or red

20. What was your most embarrassing moment?

That I can remember (and this is just that I can remember) is when I asked someone why they were down in my city for an event when they lived in Sydney. They were not the person I thought that they were, and I only realised it once we parted ways.

21. Do you ever wish you were someone else?

Yes? I usually wish to be more like my more extroverted friends.

22. What were you like when you were a kid?

I was a know it all and a nosy brat (not much has changed, then.) I also would not stop singing.

23. What would your dream house be like?

Big enough for a minimum of four people.

24. What last made you laugh?

Something that @prinxiety-logicality-sanders-sides said

25. What is your favorite word?

Adore

26. What is your least favorite word?

Régulièrement. I can’t pronounce all the damn accents fast enough for normal speech and my French teacher calls me out on it EVERY TIME I USE THE WORD.

27. What turns you on?

You know that song “every girl’s crazy about a sharp dressed man”? Yeah that. But it applies to everyone

28. What turns you off?

treating/thinking that someone doesn’t deserve the same basic human decency just because they’re different

29. What is your star sign?

Leo. Which explains my constant need for attention and validation.

30. What are your favorite books?

ANYTHING WRITTEN BY JACKIE FRENCH

31. Do you have any siblings?

An older sister. We have a love-hate relationship.

32. Do you like to dance?

Do i evER. I use to take ballet and GOD do i miss it.

33. What is your definition of cheating?

As best as I can word it, being romantically/sexually intimate with someone else without one’s partner’s consent.

34. Have you ever cheated on someone?

I haven’t even dated someone, man.

35. Do you regret anything?

I call it the Incident of Year Seven. But the more I hear about what the other person in the incident has done since then, the more glad I am that the incident ended up happening

36. Do you have any phobias?

Leeches, the nasty little shits.

37. Ever broken any bones?

Scaphoid, left wrist.

38. Ever come close to death?

Lmao no.

39. What is your religion, if any?

Catholic Christian. I was raised as one and I’m still practising, even though there’s some things that I strongly disagree with.

40. Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist?

I went to the school therapist once but that was because I’d just had a massively humiliating fight with someone.

41. Are looks important in a relationship?

Not really.

42. Are you more like your mom or your dad?

Academically, I’m more like dad, but I think I’m more socially and politically like mum.

43. What is your favorite season?

Winter. Cold but I get to rug up and wear baggy shit without overheating.

44. Do you have any tattoos?

No

45. Do you have any piercings?

Only in my ears

46. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

One. In kindergarten. Almost had one in year 9 but I’m glad it never happened because we are actually very different people.

47. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?

Absolutely. So many crushes.

48. Who is your celebrity crush?

Natasha Negovanlis

49. Are you a virgin?

Yes

50. Do you get jealous easily?

Hahahahahahahahahaha yes.

51. What is your favorite type of food?

Fruits

52. Do you ever want to get married?

Yes! The only problem is finding someone who I’d want to spend my life with and reciprocates those feelings lmao

53. Who was your first kiss with?

A guy named Alexander. It was preschool.

54. Have you ever been cheated on?

We’ve covered that I’m desperately single.

55. What is your idea of the perfect date?

Well into the relationship, go out and have a picnic/have a generally nice day and then come back home and cuddle while watching a movie/listening to music

56. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?

Introvert, absolutely.

57. Do you believe in aliens or life on other planets?

Yes.

58. What talent do you wish you’d been born with?

The talent to know how to help people.

59. What is your saddest memory?

Uuuuh in terms of sad for me, it was finding out that i was probably never going to see my cousins again when they moved to god knows where. 

60. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Nah. I think that true love needs time to develop.

61. Do you believe in soul mates?

Yes, but I also believe that you have many and they’re not really romantic.

62. Have you ever dyed your hair?

I want to so badlyyyyyyy. The moment I come back from Europe in December im dying it!

63. Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you?

Lmao I was and am boring who would want to spread a rumour about me?

64. Would you go against your moral code for money?

Depends how desperate I am for the money, and how against my moral code it is. If I’m struggling to make ends meet and it’s not like horrifically against my code I’d probably consider it.

65. What are three things most people don’t know about you?

1. I have a ref and a vent blog

2. I purposely tanked my grades for Year 8 IT because I hated my teacher

3. One of my proudest moments is making my yr 10 teacher scared of a local lookout after writing a ghost story about it.

66. Who are you jealous of?

Anyone who can easily keep their friends without putting massive distances between them.

67. Do you sleep with a stuffed toy?

Yes. I stole my teddy bear from my mum when I was a bitty Bella

68. How long was your longest relationship?

…………………….

69. Is the glass half empty or half full?

Half full

70. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

I dont know man, probably pin me to the wall and make out with me (i missed this question when i first posted this hhhhhhhhhhhhh)

71. Who is your most loyal friend?

Toss up between C, A, D or Ellie. C, A, and Ellie because they’ve put up with a LOT of my shit haha, and D bc he’s my longest friend that I still talk to

72. Are you in a relationship?

NO

73. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?

AHHHHH

74. Are you a bad person?

I like to believe that I’m a good person. I try to be.

75. Are you a lover or a fighter?

I’m more of a lover mostly because I can’t fight lmao.

76. What did you do on your last birthday?

I had a sleepover with my group! We ate a lot of lollies and had not-so deep and meaningful convos

77. What is your favorite quote and why?

“You have a brain the size of a peanut and a social clue the size of a grain of sand” - My best friend, about some ‘friends’ giving her shit abt being Christian. It’s so scathing and done. 

78. If your best friend died, what would you do?

Cry. A lot. Because holy crap I love them a lot and they’ve done so much for me and helped me be so much more confident in myself. … i’m gonna go tell them that.

79. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be?

NOT BURNING THE LIBRARY OF ALEXANDRIA. I AM *SO FUCKING MAD* ABOUT THAT

80. If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do?

Spend it with all of the people I love.

81. What is the strangest dream you’ve ever had?

I woke up crying because I had a dream that I’d missed a maths class.

82. Are you happier single or in a relationship?

Idk man

83. Who were you in a past life?

Idk. Someone who wasn’t happy with the life they got and always wished to be more than they ended up being.

84. What is your happiest childhood memory?

An end-of-primary-school sleepover I had with my three closest friends at the time.

85. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

HOO BOY HAVE I EVER. Yes.

86. Have you ever had an imaginary friend?

Noooot really?

87. If you were the president, what would you do?

Take all spending away from military and give it to education.

88. What is your ideal career?

Chemist with a translator gig on the side and flies planes on weekends.

89. What is your political affiliation?

Uuuuh to the left i believe? Like socialist? I support a lot of Bernie Sanders’ policies

90. Are you conservative or liberal?

According to my mother, liberal

91. Is the male or female body closest to perfection?

Niether. People are gross.

92. Do you like kissing in public?

Pass.

93. If you could change one thing in the world, what would you change?

The distribution of wealth.

94. Where would you like to live?

Probably somewhere in France or Europe.

95. Where would you go on your dream vacation?

Somewhere fairly cold and remote.

96. Describe yourself in one word.

Difficult.

97. Describe yourself in one sentence.

Mumbling mathematical sometimes guilty for no reason mess who simultaneously wants to have all the friends and be left alone.

HOO BOY I’M DONE AND I HATE YOU ALL

[queenviolist-blog]

Adeline’s Story

Adeline’s Story

Life is like a crazy amusement park ride. It has its ups and downs. The joys, sorrows, and everything in between. With every decision, or lack of, your life changes. There is a quote I once read, it said You are always one decision away from a totally different life. The thing is.. With Adeline, I never had a choice.

           I had always wanted to have three kids. When we played “House” at school and even at home, I gathered three baby dolls and said I would be a mommy to three babies. I don’t know why, but three just seemed like a good number. As I got older, I ended up having two of the three kids I wanted. But not who I wanted them with. The guy I married was one of the biggest mistakes of my life and I was glad to have that part of my life behind me. When I first found out I was pregnant, I called the baby “Lil Seed” cuz it was my little love seed, and was about the size of a seed at the time. Then the Hatchimal craze started. My kids were crazy about those things. After being exposed to that term on a daily basis, trying to acquire one, I decided to call the baby Hatchimal because after all, it was a creature that had not yet hatched lol. I had a “regular” pregnancy and besides the extended morning sickness (until the eighteenth week), I felt like everything was fine. Up until my anatomy scan, everything was fine. I was good, and baby was good. I didn’t find out the gender of my first two until they were born, so at the anatomy scan I initially declined to know, but later asked the ultrasound technician to put it in an envelope in case I wanted to do anything later. This is the first time I felt like something was “off” The tech was very concerned with the placenta and the umbilical cord. She left the room to go talk to the doctor. After the doctor came in, I was informed that I had what was called a Velamentous Cord Insertion. This is basically where the cord does not attach to the placenta as it should (in the middle), but mine had attached on the side and had a portion of blood vessels exposed. I was explained that it wasn’t a big deal, but that it may lead to a growth restricted baby in some cases. Otherwise, it didn’t present a danger until delivery, where the cord may be prone to rupture during childbirth and the baby may bleed out.  Of course, they didn’t tell me all that. I read most of that info online. I couldn’t stop thinking about that. I felt like as if a death warrant was issued with my daughter’s name. The next few prenatal visits were uneventful. I discussed my dropping iron levels. Wondered how Anemic I would get. It was nothing new, I was anemic on and off. I always worried about the umbilical cord. That thought was in the back of my mind. But time and time again, I was assured I was fine. I learned that Hatchimal was in the 25th percentile for her weight. Normally, babies should be in the 50th percentile. Not too big, not too small. I was told that since I was petite, my baby was small too. This is why I hardly showed. I tested slightly higher than normal for my one hour glucose test. I blamed it on the cereal and milk I had the morning of the test. I had forgotten to fast, so I ate a small bowl of cereal. I was scheduled to take the three-hour glucose test in late March just to assure that I didn’t have gestational diabetes. I can’t remember at what point, but curiosity got the best of me one day and I opened the envelope and saw the ultrasound pics. At the end, I read “It’s a Girl!” on a pink sticky note. I was ecstatic. I wanted a girl soo bad. I had two already and a third one would fit right in. I don’t know why but the thought of having a boy made me shiver. I couldn’t see myself as a “boy mom.”

I remember the day of March 28th. It started like any other. I took the girls to school and then came home looking for energy. I picked up the girls from school and decided to take them to the pool after school. They swam around happily. I reluctantly got in because the water was really cold. I hate being cold. I noticed that Hatchimal was more sluggish than usual. Normally, this baby would kick me HARD when she was hungry. I wasn’t even hungry yet and she would be moving in there. I would feel her knees and elbows. As soon as I ate, she would calm down. She showed me who’s boss. But on this day, I figured she was sleepy. After washing her baby clothes in Dreft, and sorting them by size and putting them away, I laid down in bed. It was 1030pm when Delilah came and jumped into bed with me to tell me goodnight. I scolded her for being up an hour and a half after her bedtime but still hugged her and rubbed her head. She asked me if she was gonna be a good sister, and I said she was. She told me she would help feed her and give her the green soothie paci and love her so much. At that point, I felt Hatchimal move. I asked if Delilah wanted to feel and she agreed. She put her had on where Hatchimal had moved and Delilah’s face lit up. I sent her to bed. As she left I got an overwhelming feeling of sadness. It came out of nowhere. It kind of freaked me out. I rubbed my stomach and told her to go to sleep too. I feel asleep about thirty minutes later.

I woke up on March 29th to go use the restroom. I noticed I had really bad back pain. I got myself ready because I had the extended glucose tolerance test. Yuck. I hauled ass on Bloomingdale and made it there 6 mins late. Lovely. I hate Bloomingdale traffic. I was poked before taking the sugary drink. I thought “Ok. One of four pokes done” I took the drink, and sat down. They alternated the arms for the blood draws. Four in total. The last test I winced when the needle went in. I remember an ultrasound pic where Hatchimal was wincing. I wondered if I looked as cute as her wincing. I laughed, but thought “I will get pricked however many times I need to as long as you’re healthy Hatchimal” I went to eat at a smoothie place. Ate a sandwich and a smoothie. It was then that I realized I hadn’t felt her move at all that day. I googled it and it said that glucose tests have different effects on babies. I thought it was odd bc I figured that all that sugar would of made her hyper and not sluggish. It wasn’t until 3pm that day that I was laying in my couch that I thought, Have I felt her move? I called my OBGYN and they advised me to go to L&D. I decided to wait because I was soo tired from the testing and didn’t want to take the drive to TGH. I laid there thinking she was asleep anyway, and I think I dozed off too. About 9pm, I decided to go to L&D. I had Braxton Hicks contractions but it was normal due to me being a few days shy of 8 months. I sat in her closet and played with a clear marble that I found on the carpet. I pretended like it was a fortune telling ball. I finally gathered my purse and keys and left. I got there and they recognized my because I had been there four days prior due to feeling “shitty” I wanted a blood transfusion but they said my levels weren’t low enough. I changed into a gown and waited for the nurse. She came in and put the blue strap on and located my heartbeat right away. She then grabbed the pink strap and put it on my stomach. Nothing. She moved it around and nothing. She said that it was maybe bc of how the baby was sitting. She put more gel and moved it around. Nothing. Silence. I felt my face get hot and my heartbeat thump in my neck. Loudly. She left saying that she wanted to get an ultrasound machine to get a better look. She came in with the ultrasound tech. They put more gel, and started the machine. At this point, I have tears welding up in my eyes. To say I was terrified was an understatement. They put the wand over my belly and I saw her. Right away I knew she was gone. I saw her chest and no flickering of her lil heart. They moved the wand around. More people came in. I looked at the Tech’s face. She was biting her inner cheek. I could tell. Her eyelids flickered. Unlike my daughter’s heart. She bit her lips. Pressed them. Then someone else took over. They told me to turn to my side. Then back to my back. By now I have tears running down my face. Finally, after what seemed forever, and after a room full of specialists, the older woman said. “Im sorry. There is no heartbeat” Just like that. No heartbeat. I was stunned. It took a second to scream “Noooooo..My baby” and they all said they were sorry for my loss. I yelled “My baby CANT be gone” I lost it. I cried so hard I had eve liner and mascara all over my face and gown. I told them this was the fourth baby that I lost, and a nurse started crying. They all left one by one until the original nurse asked me what I wanted to do. I could go home and sleep and then come back in the morning after I was rested and ready. Can you believe that? First of all, I wouldn’t of been able to sleep at home knowing my sweet baby was gone. Second, I would of never been “ready” to say goodbye. How do you say goodbye to someone you have never said Hello to? I said I had to go home and get a few things and I would be back within the hour. I left. When I got home, I realized that all along, I had had premonitions and feelings like something had been off. That was maybe why I wanted to get my hospital bag ready with such urgency. Why I felt like I was running out of time, even though I knew that I had eight more weeks. I sat in Hatchimal’s walk in closet. I grabbed the marble that was still on the floor. I looked at all the boxes of diapers she had. The bathtub. Her soaps and lotions. Bottles. Her clothes. I didn’t even know what to take to the hospital. Should I pack clothes? A pacifier? She was gone but what if I wanted to take a picture with a pacifier in her mouth. Then I wondered what she would look like. She was gone. Would she look different than a live baby? I had never seen a dead baby before. I gathered what I thought I would need and left back to the hospital. It seemed so surreal. Going past downtown. Knowing that it was a one-way trip for her. Once I got back to the hospital I grabbed all my stuff. My photography equipment. My purse. Robe. And a makeshift diaper bag with her stuff. I was moved to the Labor and Delivery rooms instead of their L&D triage. They started an IV and put me on Cervadil, which is a labor inducing drug. I tried to get some sleep because besides the Braxton hicks contractions. My body wasn’t ready to let her go.

It was March 30th now. I tossed and turned. Couldn’t sleep. Got 30 mins of sleep. I felt the contractions but they were mild. I spent the whole day waiting. Waiting for the medicine to do its job, and make me contract. Waiting to meet my sleeping angel. I labored and waited.

March 31st made its arrival. It was 9am and the four doses of Cervadil had no effect on me.  Was it possible my subconscious was telling my body to fight it off? I wanted to stay pregnant forever. To have my baby with me. I was still in denial. I was placed on Pitocin since they wanted to speed things along. They gave me the strongest dose they could give. It brought my contractions to 2-3 minutes apart. I was starting to finally feel them. Savages. Just like that, I went from having no pain to moderate pain. I wanted to be as alert and awake as I could be for when my baby got here. I declined an epidural. I never had one, and I figured I never will. Around 1030am I started feeling unbearable pain. I inquired about pain relief that didn’t involve an epidural. They suggested nitrous oxide. It was quick. Easy and the drowsiness wore off a minute or two after I took the mask off. I agreed. It didn’t get rid of the pain but “took the edge off” so I was content. I was checked and was barely at 3cm dilated. The pain quickly came in waves. I looked at my phone and saw that I had 5 seconds of where the pain would build up. 30 seconds of sheer excruciating pain. 5 seconds of the paid going away and 20 seconds of relief. I looked forward to those 20 seconds. I wondered why this was more painful than what I remembered. The only difference was that it was an induced birth, and induced births hurt more bc of the synthetic drugs. Also, she was breech. She was butt down and her head was up. Basically, sitting on my cervix. Her feet in her face like always. At around 11am, I was screaming in pain. The laughing gas did its job for 30 mins but was no longer effective. I was barely 3cm so the nurse suggested something in the IV to put me to sleep since I had to reach until 10cm. I did say yes or no just kept crying. I wanted the pain to stop. At 11:10 she came in with the drug and put it in the IV. I was barely feeling the effects of the coldness coming in through the IV. I was still in pain. I lifted my head and I felt a pop and my water break. (I had never had my water break with the other two; they broke it for me minutes before their birth). I felt a gush of warm fluid come out as well as immediate relief. She was half out. Within my next contraction a few seconds later, she was out. I saw the shock in the nurse’s face. She said, “But you were 3cm dilated!!” She called a code and suddenly the room was filled with specialists. The room was so silent. No cries. No gasps for air. It was a reverent moment. She was finally here. Born at 11:15am. I tried to keep my eyes open but I was very disoriented. I was dizzy and tired. I immediately regretted taking the IV drugs. But who knew that five minutes later I would have her? The things with drugs are, that not just because the baby is born do they stop working. I remember a nurse coming over and saying about something about the umbilical cord. I heard the word “knot”, and “base of her belly” I blacked out.

When I woke up, I was handed her by the nurse with such care. I was still very drowsy and disoriented. I took her carefully. She was perfect. I didn’t cry. I just stared at her. Looking at ever feature. Her eyelashes. Her nose. Her long fingers. Long arms and legs. Tiny toes. I smiled because her beauty blew me away. She had curly hair!! (Mine and the girls are straight hair) I kissed her and just looked at her. The nurse took pictures. They asked me her name. Adeline. Her name was Adeline Yesenia. We had picked the name that same morning. She was no longer Hatchimal. She was now Adeline Yesenia born on March 31st, 2017 at 11:15am weighing 3lbs and 2oz and 17” in length. I was proud.

That day went by fast. I slept most of that afternoon. I was still drugged. Exactly what I didn’t want to happen. I hated that part of my decision. Nurses were in and out checking my temperature and blood pressure. I had extensive bloodwork done. I wondered how much blood they had taken. I felt weak. My friend Gloria came to visit me. I love her. My mom and sister came as well. Even Monsignor Diez came to see me. I will never forget the uplifting conversation we had. I had my baby Baptized. Her baptism was beautiful. I recorded it. I felt like my duties as her mother were satisfied. She was the newest member of the catholic faith. My mom and sister were her Godmothers. I took lots of photos with my own equipment. I also requested a photographer to come in. She was inexperienced, was only there for two months. Nonetheless, I wanted as many pics as I could because I would never see the chance to see her grow up, and photographer as much as I would have liked. I chose a package. I went to sleep for the night.

April 1st, I wanted as much time with my baby as possible. I spend the day changing her outfits and photographing her. I It wasn’t until 8pm that they were ready to discharge me. I had already made preliminary plans for funeral arrangements. I did not want to leave. I wanted to leave with her in my arms. I wanted what every mother wants when they give birth. I wanted my baby home with me. As the time was approaching, I grew more emotional. I was dreading it. I laid with her, Looked at her. Tried to remember her. I didn’t want to forget her. I looked at her curly hair again. Oh, that hair. I kissed her cold little hands. She smelled like Baby Magic. The original one. I looked at her tiny fingerprints. She made a huge impression on me. She left her print in this world. I finally wrapped her in her blanket and put her in the bassinet. Then I was taken by wheelchair out. Leaving behind a piece of my heart. A part of me. I remember the ride home. I felt so empty. There was a truck in front of us with baby feet and angel wings. That baby had passed away at 2 months. How horrible.  I got home and I was greeted by my neighbor and mom. They stayed with me for a bit, then they left. I started shaking uncontrollably. I think I was moaning or grunting. I couldn’t stop. It was like spasms or chills. I don’t know. I went to bed and kept hallucinating. I thought I saw demons amongst the shadows. At one point, I gasped. I fell asleep quickly. I woke up to cold chills, then night sweats. That lasted about a week. I had nightmares. When I was awake, I was too sick to get out of bed. The thing with the body is that it doesn’t know that your baby died. My breast got engorged fast. That was painful. I was so sore. I decided to pump. I had two pumps that were waiting to be used. So, I used them. I felt a lil better. I pumped for about a week. It helped me feel better. I refused to go back to the ER for my fevers. My daughter was at the morgue in the same hospital. Plus, going back would bring too many memories of days prior. I spend the first few days planning Adeline’s funeral.

I ended up having her funeral services on April 7th. Ironically, that was the day I had made an appointment to go back to Meet A Baby to see her “one last time” before she came into this world. I did see her “one last time” but at the funeral home. Not what I was expecting. During the viewing, I took her out of her casket. I wanted to hold her and kiss her one last time. I stayed up there talking to both priests Father Eugene and Father Diez. We had her funeral service and then went out to bury her. I think I was in so much shock that I couldn’t cry. When it was over, I got home and just reflected on her short life. Eight months. From the time, she was created (Yay. Happy Birthday to me!) to when I laid her to rest, it felt like it was too short. My due date was Memorial Day. May 29th, 2017. She never made it. The next few weeks were a blur. Fighting for my benefits I was entitled to. Darn insurance companies. All those years paying my premium. I learned that (Pending the Autopsy Report) Adeline passed away due to an umbilical cord accident by “Hyper-coiled Umbilical Cord” causing fetal hypoxia. Basically, she spun around in there so many times that the umbilical cord couldn’t withstand the torsion and she passed away due to asphyxiation because her blood and oxygen supply were compromised. The Velamenous Cord Insertion did restrict her growth and she had more room to move around in there. Who knew that the cord that were supposed to extend life from me to my child is what failed her. That lifeline, and bond is what ended her life. Have you’ve ever wondered how fragile life really is? It’s extremely fragile. Adeline taught me to appreciate life. Never take it for granted. To laugh until you cry, and cry until you can no longer. She taught me to love unconditionally. She taught me to trust God more than I ever knew. And to look forward to the next day. Because another day gone, is another day closer I am to seeing her again. So, no.. I had no choice to see her go. If it were up to me, I would have wanted her here. I would have given my last breath in exchange to see her take her first. I had no choice to feel this heartbreak, but the choice I did have was to look at the bright side in life. Because, I believe, that is what she would have wanted. I love you Adeline. Thank you for everything.

[crimsoncoatedconscience]

` they say there's a fine line between love and hate, and they're right -- you're on that side ( l o v e ) and i'm on this one ( h a t e ) ,

movie therapists tell all the sad and hate-filled main characters to write down their feelings in letters, or journals, because it'll "help." i really don't think it will, but that's more because at this point i don't think ANYTHING will help me. but if there's even the slightest chance...you should, right? i know that's what some people would say.

dear yura-noona,

you're literally the shittiest sister someone could ever have, and i hate you. i guess that's not what little brothers are supposed to say to their sisters, but. there you have it. you're a piece of shit, and sometimes i wish you were dead--or better yet, never born.

but at the same time...i really dont. i dont wish you were dead. i dont wish that you were never born. i dont hate you. not at all. and i hate THAT. i still remember hiding from mom together under your ugly barbie blankets, i still remember that time you played doctor and helped me when dad went a little overboard. i still remember singing to the few disney movies we had, and watching all your bad tv dramas.

i'm not saying everything was perfect, because it wasn't. you hit me almost as much as mom did, and we screamed at each other more than we talked normally, and i still remember when you threw my toys into the fireplace and lied to dad's face just so that he'd hit me instead of you.

it wasn't great before high school, but it wasn't the worst either. and then you did some really bad things to me in first year. things that i didn't realize were as bad as they were, until i got some...better people in my life.

...you and your "girls." ...they still give me nightmares, sometimes, when i can actually sleep. and it all only gets worse when i see your face on the news sometimes, but despite everything...im not mad. i dont hate you like i should. and i watch til the end of the broadcast, every time, just to be sure you're okay.

because you know...i get now, that it's not you. that it's mom, that it's dad. and you were just doing what you had to, to save yourself. and now that im...in a better place i guess, i realize just how shitty that is, but i'd have probably done the same. so i can't blame you.

and i dont hate you. i HATE that i dont hate you, and i hate that i still worry about you.

i hate MYSELF because i still love you,

- chanyeol

dear baechu,

i still can't believe how much i fuckin miss you. i don't think youre supposed to write to dead people, like im pretty sure thats bad and weird but i just. there's so many feelings, and this is supposed to be an outlet, and if you were here right now, i. i dont even know what i'd say. i think about it a lot--what id say if i woke up one day and you werent actually gone, and everything was okay again. because its not even close to okay right now, and i dont think it ever will be again, but...but im trying. because. because "take care?" was one of the last things you said to me, and its one of the only things that stops me when i get...bad. and then i think of that, but it just makes me so sad i actually want to die, but i CANT. ...i wont.

and if you were here again, id tell you that i hate how much power you still have over me, even if youre not here, and-- no. no i wouldnt. id tell you how sorry i am that im a piece of shit, and that im sorry you ever got involved with me in the first place, and that im sorry you suffered so much because of me. id tell you how sorry i am that i got you KILLED. that i couldn't help you because i was fucking LATE . AGAIN.

and id apologize for being the absolute shittiest oppa on the planet, and for just...everything. im still sorry i kept you waiting at graduation. i bet you looked wonderful, before all your flowers wilted, and you got upset because i didnt remember until several hours after the fact. im sorry you never made it very far into college, or pursued any of your dreams. im sorry that it was because of me, and that i took your whole life away. im sorry that you never got to do what you wanted, and that its because i had a few shots too many and spent too long falling on my ass in the crowd while they were MURDERING you.

im sorry that i was just that much too late one too many times, and i HATE that youre dead because of that. if i hadnt been drinking, or gone out at all, youd still be here, trying to get me to wear nicer shoes, and be more polite, instead of in the cemetery, and im just--im so sorry.

i still love you more than you probably ever knew, and i dont know the words to express how sorry i still am that i killed you and how much i HATE M Y S E L F for it.

- with love, chanyeol

dear zitao,

i actually dont know what to say. i think youre a pretty awful person--maybe worse than me, and im not sorry that youre dead. im only sorry i spent so long on you when i dont think you really deserved it, and im sorry about how much pain you ve caused sehun and im angry actually that you just went and got yourself killed after ruining everything--ruining ME. ruining sehun--one of the only people breathing on this earth that means anything to me.

but more than that, i hate MYSELF for getting involved with you and not getting out sooner, and ruining my relationship with yura-noona--the only person from my family that actually matters to me.

now that the shock is gone, the hurt gone, and now that im thinking clearer because i have to be sober, because you fucked EvERYTHING up im not sad anymore. im not upset. not that you're dead--only that your death caused sehun more pain than it had any right to and he almost DIED because of it.

and i guess more than any of THAT, i hate MYSELF for introducing sehun to you, and bringing you home, and into our lives and i hate that if it wasn't for that, sehun wouldn't have tried to kill himself.

sometimes i wish i'd never actually met you. so many things would be better, but even still.

i hate myself because i miss you.

- cànliè

p.s. im also sorry for all the times I hurt YOU and all the pain i caused--without thinking about it, and intentional. im sorry that you suffered because of me, and im sorry that i made everything as shitty as possible for a long time before i pulled my head out of my ass. im sorry that you were miserable enough with me to go to others for basic things like comfort or sex, and i hate myself because I did that to YOU.

and i hate that if your father hadn't come and murdered you because of reasons i still don't really understand, that you'd have probably killed yourself because of me anyway. so im sorry. i hate that im sorry, and i hate that any of this ever happened at all.

and i hate myself because maybe i'm the shittier person and you didn't deserve anything that happened to you after all.

dear sehun,

i dont even know where to start. im sorry that im an awful hyung and im so so thankful that you're still alive and here with me, and im sorry that you've had to suffer so much for me. when we were younger, i didnt realize just how much you would come to mean to me through the years--i didnt know that standing up for one scrawny kid and scaring the bullies off would lead to what we have today. and im not even sure what it is--its more than friendship, but i cant say you feel like family because my family is...well, you know. that's why you're here, with me. rather than with yura-noona.

and even if it left me with a scar, and even if it's what led to the start of everything going bad with her, and my parents--well, more than it already was--i dont regret saving you from her. part of me thinks i should. part of me thinks it was really stupid. i didnt know you. all i knew was that you were kinda lame, and couldn't take a hit for shit, and that you seemed like a nice kid, and i still have no idea why i went against the only person at the time that meant anything to me--the only one that was kinda on my side, sometimes--just to help get you out, but. i'm glad i did.

i don't know what i'd do without you. we have our moments, sure, but you help keep me grounded, keep me sane...keep me alive. sehun i cant even count the number of times i wanted to just end it all, and didn't because of you.

because you believe in me. you trust me, even after i failed you too many times to keep track of. you're there for me, and im sorry that i'm not always there for you. im sorry that i dont give you 100% like you give me, and i'm sorry that i dont always notice things, and that i'm the shittest hyung you could ever get stuck with IM SORRY.

...im sorry that i was almost too late to save you when you...yeah. i'm sorry i wasn't there sooner. i'm sorry that it happened because i ...brought zitao home,a nd got us into this mess in the first place. i'm sorry that i couldn't do better for you, that i cANT do better for you, and im sorry that you're stuck with me, and all of the pain that comes with me.

im sorry that i've failed you so many times, and im sorry that i've broken almost every promise i've ever made, and that i can't always keep you safe, or happy, and i'm sorry that i'm not superman, and i HATE that i can't be.

you're the best thing that's ever happened to me sehun, and im sorry and i hate myself because i must be the opposite for you. im really trying harder to be the person you make me out to be, and i hate that i can't achieve it. im sorry.

- chanyeol

dear joohyun-noona,

im sorry that we met the way we did. but im thankful that you helped me, instead of turning me away or leaving me to just...yeah. and i dont have the words but...thank you. without you i'd actually be dead, and even though it hurts and im more ashamed than i know how to say, i'd rather feel that than be, you know..gone. so thank you. thank you.

thank you for believing in me too, and for always saying the nicest things, even though i dont deserve to hear them, and i don't understand how you mean them. i know youre sincere, i just dont know how or WHY. im a monster compared to you, and i dont understand how you havent run screaming yet, or why you insist that im not because i AM and.

and i hate that i can't believe you. i want to noona, i do. but i can't, because there's just so much bad, and so many things i've done wrong, and i just. between stitches and real food and crashing on your couch ive come to love you a lot more than i have any right to, and im sorry that i dont deserve what you give me in return.

im sorry im always a mess, and taking up your time, and getting your clean floors dirty. im sorry that i cling, and break down too often, and i know you say you dont mind but how can you not? i haven't done anything in return except give you headaches, and i hate that.

i hate that you say nice things about me, that you tell me nice things, and make me think that i can be something better than i am, and i hate myself because i can't live up to those standards.

i hate myself even more because i know, if i really tried, i probably could. but im selfish, and there's so many things wrong with me, and so many things ive done WRONG that i dont...i dont deserve for things to get better. i dont deserve to try harder and turn things around, and i dont deserve the good that would come with that.

i dont deserve you at all and i hate myself because i can't let you go.

- chanyeol

dear yongguk-hyung,

i really dont know what to say except im sorry. i know you tried to help me in school and i really do appreciate it. even if it seems like i've thrown away everything you tried to help me with, its not because i hate you or what you tried to teach me. i just. bad things happened, and i hate that everything we did together just...fell away. i dont even know a good phrase for that, because nothing stuck, and im sorry for that too. that im a fuck up and a failure, and i hate myself because all i did was waste your time--time you could have used to make money off of other kids who actually had a future.

im sorry that i couldnt live up to what you wanted, and im sorry that we met again in the way we did, and i hate how awful i've become, and how awkward it is, and i hate that you look at me the way you do, but i dont hate you hyung. i hate ME.

i hate that im worthless, and useless and that i'm the actual biggest screwup ever, and im sorry that i broke the promises i made you. im sorry that i couldnt do better. and im sorry that you have to see me like this now.

every time i see you, the shame and regret and guilt are almost too much for me, and im sorry that it gets in the way of anything you try to say to me now. im sorry that i cant listen like i should, and i hate that i've disappointed you so much. ...and not just in school. or based on how many english words i remembered from our lessons.

im sorry that i'm an embarrassment, and that you have to deal with me again, and im just. so sorry that i didn't live up to your expectations.

i'm sorry that i can't be the person that you wanted me to be, and i hate myself because i still want you to treat me like i am.

- chanyeol