#im aware of some of the alternatives
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not a surprise but google is continuously getting worse. searches related to items that can be bought will return endless shopping options, then a few vaguely sourced blogs (made by or for businesses that link to even more shopping options). google scholar is fine for subjects that are broadly represented in western academia, but good luck getting past the abstract without an institution to sign in with, hundreds of loose dollars, or a 3rd party site that works roughly 20% of the time. an entire civilization that has compiled near endless amounts of information, but no unified way to quickly and accurately access it. shouldn’t be of any concern though. i’m sure
#im aware of some of the alternatives#and i tend to seek out physical media/books etc#i also use every available library app#but considering the scale of google’s infrastructure#it’s irritating#but entirely expected#that the service has been compromised by the profit motive#google#alphabet inc#ivie
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🖤🩶🤍💜
#my art lol#vocaloid#vocaloid fanart#kamui gakupo#gackpoid#camui gackpo#gakupo vocaloid#神威がくぽ#asexual#purple#black#alternate title: gakupo if he slayed LMAOOO#man i always forget about ace awareness week despite being a raging ace myself 💀 oops.#but anyways i got reminded. and gakupo keychain arrived yesterday... gakupo is purple.............. so this happened lmao#grrrr ONE DAY ill get good at drawing him 😭😭 i still feel like i suck and idk WHAT it is about him that makes him not work as well#in my style. but grrrrrr i will figure it out at some point... and i WILL git gud at drawing him. i need to. 😔😔😔 i lijke him...#i have those ace sunglasses irl btw LMAO its my only piece of ace merch... fucking $1 target sunglasses 💀💀 lmao. but at least SMTHN#the vision. guys. ace gakupo would be SOOOOOOOO powerful. trust me on this.#also i need to stop being too silly rn and lock the fuck INNN im so screwed lmfao. i got texted by a classmate while drawing this 😭#I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT TOMORROW I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABT AND HAVE TO SPEEDRUN. EMAILS. CONFERENCE. AHHH#save me pretty eggplant man.... oguhgghhh. the soundtrack was not helping while drawing this LMFAO. ily fucked up gakupo songs 💜
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not pictured: every other resident of the island staring, somewhere between visceral horror and childlike awe
#and then everyone died The End :)#my bad i watched a little saya#didn’t finish it yet and don’t know when i will but i already know most of the endings so lol#im not a visual novel person unfortunately#but i do like scary stuff so i can appreciate the meat hallucinations#however whereas saya is a meatbeast of some sort (still not aware of what) I think vlinny is just odd and weird and his body does things#usually i think he branches but a softer alternative could be plausible#I didn’t want this to be an exact copy of how saya blooms so instead it’s a weird ether kind of thing#lolol :3#vinesauce#vlinny#j.draw
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A tangent from the tags of my previous Pharma post (and I just thought about this so bear w/ me if it's hastily reasoned) is that the Autobots being generally sanctimonious is actually sort of a reason why I find a lot of IDW Optimus interpretations to miss the mark, specifically the accusations of calling him stuff like self-righteous, caring more about principles than people, etc. And I know that sounds really ironic, but out of every Autobot (and almost every character period), Optimus is one of the few people who has a very forgiving/humanistic perspective on life or at least has a political approach of "if we don't stop fucking fighting we're going to be at war forever and eventually just kill ourselves."
He very explicitly wanted a diplomatic end to the war and not a military victory/conquest. He extended multiple offers to Megatron personally to work together and end the war (Autocracy trilogy, which was pre/early war, and Chaos Theory, which was late/end war, so from this we can assume Optimus' stance was consistent the whole time). When ppl hated him so bad they rioted he removed himself from the planet rather than argue or fight to justify why his actions were the best he could do. Sandstorm starts murdering Decepticons and Optimus solves the murders and then throws Sandstorm in prison bc sparing one of his Autobots the consequences of his actions is less important to Optimus than keeping the peace and making sure anyone who threatens to ignite wartime hostilities is punished for it. There are multiple characters throughout the series that other people give up on as too far gone or too cowardly/evil/damaged to be worth helping where Optimus alone is the person who says "I think they can get better/they did bad things but they're still people" such as the Dynobots, Blurr, Prowl (despite how OP's patience with him hung by a thread by the end of it), Shockwave, and, yknow, fucking Megatron of all people.
And on top of that Optimus' internal thoughts most of the time revolve around feelings of guilt, responsibility, anger, hopelessness/barely hanging on to his ideals, and so on. Bro regularly has thoughts about how the entire Autobot-Decepticon war was his fault and is depressed to the point the thought of dying/martyring himself makes him feel relieved. So like. Idk guys I don't think those are the personality traits/actions of a self-righteous person who thinks he's correct about everything and everyone who opposes him or fails his moral standards is just evil or whatever.
#squiggposting#idw op love#it's one of those things where i'm very nitpicky about idw optimus characterizations yknow#bc there are many times where like there are seeds of valid criticisms or interesting ideas in fanon#but they fall short of being insightful or interesting to me bc they fundamentally don't understand idw op#be it out of ignorance of canon or like tweaking his characterization to fit whatever story they want to tell personally#which like that's how fanon works it's not like i'm railing against alternate character interpretations#it's just that that's AN INTERPRETATION of idw op but it isn't actually idw op to me#in order to criticize something you have to understand it and ime most people don't understand idw op#or at the very least if you characterize idw op as self righteous he's self righteous in a very specific way that isn't like. overtly evil#i think the problem is a lot of ppl write idw op as selfrighteous either out of ignorance or out of some sort of moral grandstanding#neither of which are correct bc OP is very aware of his fallibility + judges ppl but is also incredibly forgiving/open to redemption#i'd need to review canon but like. idw op is self righteous in that he decides what the best thing to do is and then does it#whether other ppl like it or not. so it's more about his relationship w authority and power than it is 'oh he's judgemental and ignorant'
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do u find my self destructive behavior and concerning sentences sexy?
#lu warriors at some point probably#NOTHING is getting this bite to stop itching except holding ice on it for like thirty straight minutes and im Aware i should Not do that#but the alternative is me literally exploding because this is a sensory fucking NIGHTMARE#it itches so so bad and its so swollen and it’s literally half of my forearm and not to be over dramatic or anythin but i CANNOT handle it#i aint gonna make it through through a 4 hour school day#jes rants
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hmm thinking about the idea of love songs. i think the idea of what a love song is that we have in our culture is inherently a little bit flawed because we have the idea that any song written about romantic feelings is a love song and im thinking thats not exactly true because there is a difference between "romance" and "love". what i'm saying is not that love is a broader category and applies to things that are not romantic in nature. this is in fact true, but it's not what makes the important distinction here. the true distinction between "romance" and "love" is that romance is a societally defined type of interest in another person, whereas love is, essentially, a promise that you make when you build a relationship.
as such, what i call "love" here might be better defined as "care", as that implies more time and effort, but that's a different suitcase to unpack and largely unimportant to my point here, which is more about the societal conventions of what we call love songs. the point is, relationships can be built with other people, yes, but also animals, places, organizations, ideas, so on and so on, whereas romance requires another person, hence the difference between the ideas of "romance" and "love".
with that in mind, there are two types of songs we in western, english speaking, society call "love songs":
1) songs that are about a person's romantic interest in someone that is either definitively known to be unrequited (existing monogamous relationship, sexuality that doesn't align, etc) or simply not requited (aka romantic interest being unknown); and
2) songs about an existing relationship (keeping in mind my points about relationships not just being with people, but also places, things, etcetera) as is.
(some examples of the latter category: mountaintop by relient k, which defines the relationship in question as non-romantic; or i miss my mum by cavetown, which is - as the title implies - a song about the singer missing their mother.)
now, the thing that makes distinguishing these two difficult is the fact that songs about an existing relationship CAN be about wanting certain aspects of that relationship to change. in these cases, determining that a song is one or the other will hinge either on a) authorial intent or b) whether the song is more about what the singer wants (thereby implying #1) or the lack thereof in that relationship (which would imply #2).
to get back to the subject at hand: the term "love song", as we think of it, is an umbrella term that include both of these two categories, and i think that perhaps it is reductive to do so. with that in mind, i think perhaps it would be more appropriate for "love song" to mean only the latter, whereas the former is a category of its own. WHICH is not to say that the two can't overlap — just that if a song is about a person with whom the singer has no relationship, it cannot be considered a love song due to the fact that it is a song about infatuation, not love.
(another interesting wrinkle this provides is the fact that a song might start out in the first category and, as the writer develops a relationship with a person, might move into the second category as they write more.)
#anyway. just some of my thoughts on this as an aromantic songwriter#ari opinion hour#this goes a good deal to reconcile my constant writing of love songs with the fact that none of them are romantic#which im fine with as long as im keeping them to myself but it DOES feel dishonest when i hide that theyre love songs.#however this did also go some way to convince me that maybe care songs is an alternative that i SHOULD use because it is more applicable to#me than the concept of love which MOST people do not have the same perspective on as i do and having different definitions of the same word#is an important barrier to consider in communication#i will admit i do think im clinging to my care songs being love songs due to my relationship with an organization to which love is very#important as i dont want to go back on my promises to that organization as it IS very important to me#anyway. can you tell ive been reading house of leaves by the fact that this appeared fully fledged in my head in fully academic language#but for real like thinking about it now and even my old love songs like most would probably think to see them that they would go in the#first category and they just. DO NOT. at least not the ones that were written after i was like Yeah im aro again#its interesting the ones i wrote in the brief period where i thought i WASNT aro in like mid hs those i WOULD put in the first category#even though like i do NOT think i was right about it being romantic#but the ones after i was like Yea im aro again are like. Thats definitely the latter#part of it is i did find a voice that was like genuinely Mine and wasnt just writing sort of generic love songs#love songs in the typical usage i mean so they were really more infatuation songs#but like i was still with the last person irl who i wrote these about divorced from like... my aroness because of how much i liked him#and i would still put those in the second category#so part of it is awareness as well#so. yeah. its interesting#i probably should just suck it up and start calling them care songs. even if people dont know what i mean to say that
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pls reblog
#polls#hyperspecific poll#kai rambles#personal#doing this i realised how much if my weird experiences were either too depressing or violent to put as an option#or would need a lot more words to explain#i decided to skip out on ''had a local drug dealer try to groom you into being a mule''#i find it funny because he tried it while my mom was in the room?#but im aware its a sensitive topic#i also did not know how to casually word the times my dad would randomly drive us to like some ruins in the english countryside#and like say ill be back in an hour#and then leave us there#because what the fuck even was that?#also how to explain that my maternal uncle and maternal grandad were in opposing local gangs that folded before i was born#but like in an alternate universe id probably be raised in a gang?#and also anything about my aunt meryl i dont know how to phrase any of that in limited words because she is just the most bizzare lady#i maybe could get the neck brace thing in where she accused me and my mom of stealing her neckbrace and handcream#and told us to never speak to her until we were ready to admit it except we didnt take it#and its probably coming up to a decade now
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the vegans found my stupid post again
#a person commented: 'not everyone can eat plant based but everyone can be vegan' im...#im seriously trying SO. so hard to give this person the benefit of the doubt but. WHAT#lately ive working on fungi based alternatives for food but even THEN most of it is using food to ferment plants and algae#to get the most of it you know?#but like WHAT ELSE ARE WE GOING TO EAT#rocks????#DIRT????#eating animals is not some terrible moral failing. just be aware of the fucking process and try to reduce unnecessary consumerism#do people not know about the 3 R?? do they not teach that in school anymore??#anyway im so tired please leave me the fuck alone
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Some of yall deeply underestimate how much some cis men are threatened by trans men and our masculinity. How theres so many cis dudes out there that want to rape us, thinking that will make us detransition. How many incels out there are mad at us for betraying womanhood and not sucking their dick. How much they want to force us to detransition, how much they want to kill us and force us into hiding which, to me, minus well be killing us since theyre smothering who we are for the sake of a status quo. We shake their fundamental understanding of the world. Its one thing for a GIRL to be a tomboy to them. They think its cute, like a baby pretending to be an adult. Its a whole other thing for someone percieved as a woman to try to actually be a man to them. They think thw fact we have the gal to assume we can escape their grasp, to escape the kitchen or whatever tf, means we're disrespecting them and trying to "destroy" them, rather than what it really is, us trying to be independent. We're the exact thing these types of cis men hate. Sometimes they tolerate (emphasis here bc im not saying they accept yall. Dont twist my words)trans women bc they fetishize them but they want to completely eradicate us becayse we threaten the patriarchy by virtue of deciding we dont need a man to take care of us, we want to be the man that takes care of ourselves.
#and bc ik how some of yall are on this site and how uncharitable you are let me be clear: just because they TOLERATE trans women/fems#sometimes. doesnt mean i think they actually respect you or see you as you. im not abot to say you somehow have it easier. they want to use#you and then dump your body somewhere. im well aware of that. but they *also* want to entirely entrap us and our identities and keep us#smothered with no escape. its why were seeing child marriage laws. its why were seeing anti abortion laws. its why we're seeing rights#stripped away from ppl wrongly percieved as women becayse theyre so threatened by us and how we think we can be on our own#that they have to try more extreme measures ro control us our bodies and self expression. its why candace owens goes on saying#'does women voting actually do any good for anyone??'#and no. entrapment isnt them somehow caring about us mlre than you. thats their alternative to killing us but its not an alternative bc it#fundamentally strips us of our rights and autonomy. and also. entrapping us and forcing us out of our gender. like i said. minus well be#killing us. its not likely we'll just get to run away free from these men if they get this type of power. its more likely they kill us for#even daring to betray them their values and words.#so how tf is anyone more privileged in this situation? in trans spaces? can we really fucking say someone has it worse rn.#is it really worth it to try to divide and weigh who has it worse. bc they want both os us dead for being who we are.#and its not like they dont offer yall an out to. its just their out is ALSO basically killing yourself bc they want you to conform to#cishet white manhood.#also it goes both ways. cis women are like this towards trans women. its the proximity effect.#where you get more upset with different people who are also more like you than other ppl#the difference i'd argue though is cis men- at least the ones in power- have more of an ability to remove us than cis women#like its easier for them to do.
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drawing a character lineup is all fun and games until you have to come up with a unique pose for every character
#yes im aware that this is literally the first step of drawing a character lineup but im revisiting an old wip#so some of the poses are mostly fine and i can move on to the more fun parts but some of them need to be completely redone#honestly i think i just need more sleep. my brain is not functioning at full capacity#alternatively i can stay up late and unlock Late Night Inspiration. however i probably should not do that#anyway. if youre wondering yes this is an rvb facecanon lineup. i do not have ocs lmao who else would it be#biggie tumbles
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#lapponian herder#dog show#unfortunate breed name but im not aware of alternatives to it unlike some other ones#pics#mine
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I don't have fully formed thoughts on the matter but my brain has just been rotating these two images around next to each other for days. interpret that as you will
(Crisis on Infinite Earths #12, published December 1985/cover date March 1986)
(Stranger Things S4E9, takes place in March 1986)
#something something the anti-matter universe=the upside down.#im not suuuuper up to date on/aware of the numerous -gates and theories people have about the show BUT#ive def seen talk abt alternate timelines/universes and well. tht could line up with the positive matter multiverse#things from one earth bleeding into another as the earths start to overlap...#its also the fact that this comic would still be on shelves at the time of S4. it was a very current thing. tht timing stands out to me#our characters are nerds who talk abt comics in the actual show more than once! Crisis on Infinite Earths was a big deal!#it is very likely at least *some* of them read this. and i'd find it hard to believe showrunners are unaware of it#If you're researching 'comics stuff from the 80's' which. when writing nerds in the 80s feels likely... COIE would ABSOLUTELY come up#+ the multiple references to the idea of a 'superhero' this season + specifically Superman & Supergirl—both relevant to this event...#idk. idk where im going with this but i guess my tldr is i would NOT be surprised if a character namedropped this event in s5#stranger things#grandpa max is god? i go to church now
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Reconsidering The Bra Issue bcos sometimes a sports bra might be nice but also like if I get one while I still live w my family my mams gonna take it as me accepting that I Need to wear bras as like a societal thing... maybe if I throw the transgenderism thing (which she doesnt know abt yet) and the autism thing at her at the same time, shell be so flabbergasted that she'll cave
#like id try 2 ease her into it going 'hey u know how its a known fact about me that i have to wear socks inside out bcos sensory issues.'#'do u know how tight bras are. do u think i could wear a fucking bra inside out. its not working'#and like some chest compression WOULD be nice on occassion both bcos trans and autism#but like im for sure not gonna get that from a normal bra which is what she expects fron me#argh my moms actuslly great n im sure that if i ever did talk to her abt it she would be fine and wed work out an alternative#but also like... confrontation scary....#im slowly revealing things abt myself 2 my mom bcos i dont wanna spook her and also therss a lot going on in here thatd be confusing#likr when i kept the pcos beard she asked 'is this bcos of trans issues' and i said no#firstly bcos i was like O_o trans issues....#and secondly bcos like. not rlly? like the gender from the beard is A+#but i also have it bcos it seems like unwarranted effort to shave it and i like stimming w it#and if i said yes then shed probs chalk up my rejection of feminine social norms as a trans thing. no bestie i just dont care#im well aware that im a bit of a hippy but we go#anyway whenever i get my eng mock back that might be a good time to come out#bcos she always likes reading my personal essays n short stories n shit bcos#'you dont tell me when youre having issues and this is p much the biggest glimpse into your psyche that i get' lol#and for the short story i wrote abt a bigender person in a way thats like. WAY obviously projecting. teehee#anyway
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Ough I fucking hate holidays because it is my duty as a child to visit my parents and just take whatever the fuck happens to me.
#oh wow i cant wait to have to endure an unspecified amount of time of getting told to leave and never come back and being informed that#everyone felt so much better without me there; and immediately after that getting told 'Where do you think youre going?! Are you nuts?!'#when i try to leave. since when someone tells me that i shouldnt have come and that im a burden i do in fact assume that i should leave#ill be day drinking from the moment i wake up again. i hate that. it always happens when i am forced to visit my parents#for more than a day#it is impossible to take it while feeling present. feeling out of it and not there helps. it makes everything hurt less#it makes me want to throw up. it makes me want to do nothing but run for several days. not because of disgust and not because of anxiety#but simply because i know that the most important topic of all the conversation will be peoples looks.#simply because there is a correct way to look in the eyes of my mother and there is a way to be safe from her and others violence#and those two things both rely on reducing yourself into nothing. so looking at food makes me want to puke. looking at milk#makes me want to puke. and i hate it. i hate it because i just want to be happy and i dont want to make my health even worse#than it already is but what am i supposed to do when the alternative is getting hurt? what then; huh?#theyll tear my body to pieces no matter what; its just a matter of getting torn apart in a good way. of letting them be disgusting in a#way they think is flattering. theyll all tear everyones body to pieces of course#every imperfection and flaw microanalysed exaggerated and then judged until it has been concluded that X and Y are horrible rotten people#because they *checks notes* have overgrown nails and are 5 pounds heavier than you#when im there for a day i tend to skip eating for the next two days or so#im worried about my health considering i dont know for how long ill be there this time#shell tear me to pieces. she always does. my grandma will too. my father will at least have the grace to just yell some slurs if i fail#to perform to his satisfaction. man i dont even care about being called the r word anymore. he can call me that all he wants#it stings but its nothing im not aware of. i know that im stupid and i know that im too dependent and i know that im useless and cant do#anyhing and i know that i disappointed everyone because they all thought i could do better.#thats fine. i know that im weak and i know that im a pansy baby and i know that thats why ill be getting something to cry about.#thats all fine. im ok with that. its one and done and it was way worse when i was a kid.#my father is pretty ok. but getting torn to shreds by my mother and her mother sticks with me. it always does.#im worried shell hurt me again. ill do something incorrectly. ill ask her for clarification one too many times. ill breathe too loud.#ill fail to notice the way shes holding herself (angry). ill fail to notice the tone of her steps (enraged). ill fail to apologise#for something i hadnt known i did. and then shell hurt me. shell hurt me again#and ill just have to stand there and take it like the good child im not and could never be because nobody could ever be considered good by#my mother. ill have to stand there and take it because thats my duty as a child and ill have to say 'im sorry' even though ill be the one
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thinking way too hard about the remedyverse and how quantum break does (or rather doesn’t) fit into it and i feel fucking insane nobbody talk me orlook at me
#trailcam recordings#i think they both exist but r in separate dimensions in the same universe#alternate realities like tim breaker suggests#where there are certain constants (possibly tied to being a parautilitarian and/or a shifter)#and there are some that remember it more clearly than others and are aware of their other lives#ie door and tim#who are both shifters. one very experienced and one only beginning to learn and understand his powers#man im gonna die if i think abt them too hard
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also. rly funny my dad rly wants to give my girl th shovel talk but it doesnt live here. and he hasnt met it yet..so he just tells me "HE BETTER WATCH HIMSELF... HE BETTER TREAT YOU RIGHT" and its like yes father. ik. ik. yes
#hes like pissy abt me moving in so quick but like..girlie im not gonna pay for like. 5 plane tickets when i could just pay for 3 yk..#i get why he wants to go meet him first and then move me up but like. im already gonna be moving in half a month after my roommates#im not gonna wait another month On top of that..#n im still letting my dad meet him n everything. i just rly wish hed stop acting like hals Some rando off the internet who i met two weeks#go. like weve been friends for 5 years dating for 2 years and weve done videocalls weve done normal calls weve sent pictures like. yk...#i get it but aughhh. AND AGAIN im still letting him meet it.. ykyk. bc hes prolly gonna stay with us for a couple days bc hes got th first#week.of.march off. bc that ws when i ws gonna visit#n like..i rly didnt realize the move ws gonna take this long yk#its not like hes saying You cant do that but hes just#yk. complaining a little bit and like I get it ismt super convenient and i ws expecting it to take a bit longer but. we were aware id be#moving#n also. idk what he thinks would happen that would make me visit hal and then decide i dont wanna live with it avtually..yk#im not at ALL worried abt how hal will act bc hes like. super nice and polite n ik he wont do anything awful#im mainly worried abt how my dad will act bc he makes Being an asshole a personality trait#not even me being judgy he Says that. like he says Yeah im an asshole but im porud of that ^-^#n m just. aghhh im so worried basically.. i rly rly rly want it to go well#but ya. i dont think its an issue t like. move in now bc idk what the alternative is. just visiting a ton until my dad decides weve spent#enough time together In person to be allowed t move in?? yk? thats such a waste of money and i cant afford that Neither can my dad Neither#can hal. so like. YK#im just scares basicslly. im rly excited for the apartment but theres So much i need t get in order.. and thats whats like.kind of annoying#me bc my parends r acting like i chose for it tk happen so quickly like..no i ws expecting way later but this is how it happened.. its like#im also inconvenienced by this yk. im mot gonna be able to get my name change done like i ws planning#but. this is how it happened n.im excited t live with hal and our roommates also bc theyre both awwsome... i just wish my parents woulf#stop treating me like im stupid or like. rushing into this like No dude me and hal have been planning to live together Legit since before#we started dating ! yk! like if i had been like OMGG im gonna move in with my online friend like. the first time me and hal talked abt it#THEN its be like.. Um.. no you arent lol. bc that ws only s couple months into knowing him.and also i ws 13 so#but like. IDKKK BASICALLY !!!#sry these tags are Oh so long. but your know how it is...#AND its so hard to find a list of like. things i need to get together before the move#i cn find lists for moving out at 18 and moving across the country but not. combined.. n i feel like theres so manh things i need to get in
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