#im an adult and ive been taking on most of the responsibilities at my own expense and she still manages to make me feel small lmao

[xannerz]

wish my mom wasnt homéophobíc!!!

[flowercrowns-n-punks]

btw lark & sparrow as a little mushroom fellas btw. what is ur take

(u don't have to draw anything if you don't feel up to it :3)

NOW YOU ASK ABOUT THE FAMILY I AM SO OH SO WAY TO TALKING ABOUT???? [My irl friend tek has to deal with at least almost 4-6 times every day at this point i swearfrom how much i talk about the oaks]

Okay first off i do wanna do doodles ill reblog this with the doodles after or later in the day when ive gotten some sleep.[i need to consider my options here]

This will be long

But from what i think first off same mushroom type cause twins or two mushrooms that get mistaken for eachother easily.

I could easy n give them two very different mushrooms that fit them.

But no they are to codependant on eachother, their own paralells and oppsites are screaming i dont go the easy route here.

So the mushroom would need to be unexpecting but harmful if i were to give the same mushroom.

Which im leaning towards.

First idea

Fly agaric mushroom

The classic the pretty red & spotted mushroom. But like thats to classic, doesnt scream the twins to me.

Death cap mushrooms were the next option

small, green-tinted mushroom might look innocent enough, but it is actually the most toxic mushroom worldwide and is responsible for the highest number of fatal mushroom poisonings across the globe.

Seems beyter honestly if had went a different mushroom for each twin route Lark would been this.

BUT I FOUND THESE.

Funeral bell mushrooms or Galerina marginata!

Poisonous and deadly, these little mushrooms definitely live up to their ominous-sounding name. They grow on dead decaying wood or tree stumps.

And just idk why but the symbolism of funerals to me with the twins as if they had a funeral to the boys they were before the forgetten realms, a funeral to the kids that they were msde into because of the forgotten realms.

The funeral of time turning its next chapter on "reconciling" with henry when lark released tge doodler. So on so forth!

To now what they are now these mess of adults/parental figures broken and mournimg so much by the actions they both took.

And just from A art stand point

It fits nicely with their color schemes too-

But like Funeral Bell Mushrooms. Are what id def be doodling the twins as lil mushroom fellas

[risingscorchingsuns]

hey guys! my posting/writing/general activity is probably going to get a little slower for a bit. i’ll still be here, but im going through a tough time right now. its been a frankly pretty awful week and im getting the feeling its gonna be rough for at least a solid minute. longer explanation below if you’d like it, but tw for mentions of trauma and abuse.

So ive mentioned it before, but i have complex PTSD. my parents split when i was very young, and my stepmom moved in with my dad almost immediately afterwards. when i try and remember it too much my brain gets foggy, but to put it simply, she was horrifically abusive to me and my younger siblings. she resented us for being born, as living reminders that my mother got to my father first. for over a decade she was the sole adult influence in my life, and from the age of eleven she manipulated me to believe she was the only person in the world i could trust. she bullied me for my neurodivergence, my appearance, my interests, anything she could get to lord over me. i had no escape for most of my formative years, because she cut me off and isolated me from any form of support I could possibly have, from trying to force me to change schools to convincing me my own father gave up on me. I only cut her off permanently last year.

Summers are really, really hard for me. When she and my dad moved across the country, I had to spend summers in Texas with her, and her alone. I had nobody. In a state far away from everyone who loved me, where she had full control and access to any form of communication. She’d regularly go through my messages I sent to friends, partners, even my mother to make sure I wasn’t “making up lies about her”. I was trapped, and completely, utterly isolated. Every day was about survival, and every day was about just making it to that night, through that hour, through that minute. Every single minute I lived in anticipation of the next, walking on eggshells to appease her impossible standards. When the weather starts to get warmer, my brain starts to anticipate going back there. I shut down, and go into survival mode. I have a tendency to isolate, though it’s something I’m working on.

The weather is starting to warm up where I live. I’m starting to get nightmares again, and I wake up feeling heavy. I’m stressed out all the time, and I constantly feel either hypervigilant to the point of paralysis, or completely dissociated. I know I’m in for a rough patch until my brain realizes I dont have to go back, and settles down my trauma responses. But it may be a while before that happens. I only ask to please be patient with me for a little while. I’m really sorry.

It’s hard for me to admit I’m not doing well. I might take this down if I find myself overthinking it. I will have good days, I always do. But for now, I’m in a bit of a dark place, and I deeply apologize for the resulting change in my interactions. I love you all deeply, and I want you to know I’m safe- I have a support system, and I dont ever have to see her again. I’m in a better place than I used to be, and I’m stronger every year. But the weather is starting to warm up, and I’m starting to shut down.

Please be well. I’ll respond to things as best I can, and I’ll still be around when I’m able.

Leon 🪲

[theneighborhoodwatch]

not to theorize hard bc im new here, but sparking off the wally & autism coding ask, what ive gleaned from all the info on how like. wally had to be taught what a joke is, doesn't understand hugs, doesnt say piss words - other than he's an audience surrogate as you said - i feel like is driving home the theme of being & growing up heavily sheltered. It comes through in the overall setting of the story being a children's show, Wally as the main character of the show is required to have a static, codependent relationship to Home for the sake of episodic material, also the benefits gained off ignorance by the person housing you (in this case, its entirely the show runners, but a real life parallel would be like an abusive parent).

The show's narrative necessitates his ignorance of simple concepts, even as an adult character, because the show requires it of him as a protagonist in order to keep writing material. There's a lot to be said just on becoming aware of that alone in the context of the ARG, but stepping back from it and thinking in relation to the real world, that's terrifying. It would be an indescribable horror to realize your entire existence has been catered to fit the narrative of someone who was supposedly taking care of you, which like. we're seeing the ramifications of that in the prologue already. It screams metaphor pretty much out the gate, I feel like. Admittedly, I'm also self projecting with this take on it by a LONG mile, lmao. not discoursing btw; while i do feel that the overall presented themes should inform the intent of the material, it's genuinely interesting to see the differing reads people have based off their life experiences. I also enjoy your analysis on WH, its all good food.

addendum i feel like i should add that my ask was all more a response to the idea of infantilization and child coding, not refuting that the characters have autism that would be buckwild

(context)

oh, no worries, i didn't take it that way at all! i actually agree with a lot of what you wrote, or at least i think it's very plausible in terms of Overarching Themes and Metaphors. i don't even think its mutually exclusive with the aforementioned experiences with one's own neurodiversity - i've written about that briefly before; it's part of what i mean when i say things like "cosmic horror coming of age" (meta horror coming of age, as well?)

i will say, though, i don't think it's exclusive to wally. as it's been said before, every neighbor is the nebulous age of Adult, even if some seem to be considered more mature than others even in-universe - but i think they each have some degree of immaturity about them, in their own way. their environment doesn’t seem to give them much room or encouragement to grow, for obvious reasons. something something status quo is god, something something their existence seems to be both sustained and limited by human interference, in all its imperfection and susceptibility to bias (particularly in the context of 60s-70s usamerican culture.) it's just that based on what we know so far, wally seems to exhibit this the most.

[lycansprites]

infodump the sweet tooth au pretty please

HI sorry Ive been trying to answer this for days literally but Tumblr is allergic to copy and pasting

Im assuming this is in response to my post about the Marvel x DC x Sweet Tooth AU that me n my boyfriend and best friend are working on bc I haven't publicly posted about any of my actual S2TH AUs 🤸‍♂️

SO reminder Im putting on all of my posts about it, this is by nature a no-powers AU. Vigilantes and heroes do not traditionally exist here but we do keep some of that heirarchy and structure we see from it.

Also, a lot of these thoughts are my own and not concrete yet because my AU partners are still watching the show (as opposed to me having watched it twice over now) so things are subject to change hehe

Our version of the world probably is a little fundamentally different in that once the Sick breaches all of the continents in modern day, it's actually a LOT slower to spread at first. This means that it didn't really hit globally, it kind of grew behind the scenes- as did hybrid birth. We know from the show that if you contain the Sick you contain hybrid birth (more or less) so the hybrids that were born in the early days were taken away from their parents and disappeared. The general public didn't know about this but some people began to catch on.

Enter: Justice League (Avengers?)

A group of adults who noticed the appearance and subsequent disappearance of hybrid babies, which also leads to learning about a literal doomsday virus growing steadily without the government warning the people. Most of them are higher up, government or scientists or parents of hybrid kids themselves. The Justice League are the ones who begin researching and doing detective work and overall just working towards both saving hybrids and finding a cure for the Sick.

They bring news of the virus to the public (or, depending what we figure out for the Marvel side, it could be the Avengers team that really takes it to the news) and things spiral from there. The further the Sick spreads and the faster it does, the more hybrids are born worldwide and the Government can no longer keep it secret. And hybrid disappearances are not only noticed, but prevalent. This much doesn't actually change from the show.

Enter: Teen Titans

Kids / Teens, most of them connected to their mentors or parents of the Justice League. These guys are frustrated with how hands off the League is approaching hybrid disappearances and take matters into their own hands. Imagine sort of like the Animal Army, working on the ground to free hybrids, except its a little earlier into the spread of the Sick; either right before or right after the Great Crumble. Some of them get cut off from their parents/guardians when they realize theyve been stealing their findings / research in order to go after bases keeping hybrids.

Enter: Young Justice

This is where the last born humans and the first few years of hybrids begin to mix. This is well after the Great Crumble now; we've got humans and hybrids that the Teen Titans rescued, or that the Justice League helped to keep safe, that aren't willing to live life in solitude or on the run. They're kinda like a more chaotic Animal Army except literally, animal. Theyre brash and ignorant and a little quick to jump the gun and run into situations head first but somehow they haven't died yet!

And that's. Kinda really all I've got so far besides the specifics on which characters are hybrids and which aren't. We haven't really explored where Marvel or X-Men come into play which is Ironic considering the AU started as an AU of Zenith and I's Marvel and X-Men crossover au thing. Thats mostly because we're waiting for everyone to know the whole story / finish the show first so we can properly discuss and share ideas!!

[wishchthumblr]

ive made a lot of self-inserty ocs in my time, and if you'd look at them all you'll see most of the time theyre the child/little sister of one of the characters. one of the characters who is kind. who cares. who loves. who wont leave her or hurt her or lie to her or hate her. who is stong and will protect her. im realizing all those inserts are just because the connections and relationships i give to her is what i desperately wish for.

i just want someone to see my pain and take me into their arms and let me crawl onto their lap and hide in the crook of their neck. i want someone to gently pet my hair and let me cry on their shoulders. i want someone to see me, all of me, all my flaws and cuts and marks and failures and faults and all my ugliness and mistakes and all the mean things ive done, and i want them to say that its ok. that they love me anyway and that im only human and that its ok to hurt sometimes. i want someone to see my cuts and my bruises and hold me gently anyway, i want someone who'll get a warm towel and clean my wounds and tell me im still beautiful. that im not ruined. that i still have worth.

i want to be able to put down the masks and the pretend in front of another person and still feel safe. i dont want to feel like i have to run away whenever the tears come because im scared they'll see me as weak and useless and pathetic and dumb and annoying and a waste.

i want someone i can trust to tell the truth tell me im pretty, and that despite how much ive been hurt i can still be kind, and that im still loved and that its not to late for me to be a better person, that im not already a horrible person. that im just a kid who made a lot of mistakes. i want someone to hold me and let me cry and tell me that it wasnt my fault, that i was just a child and that it shouldn't have been my responsibility in the first place.

i just want to able to be the small one, the young one, the one who is comforted instead of always having to comfort others. i just want a family where i can act like the youngest, because thats what i am, instead of being forced to be the adult.

i just want a father who cares about me, that i dont have to constantly fear is going to come back into my life and hurt me again, that didnt tell me how awful and ugly and pathetic i am over and over and over and over until i had no choice but to believe him, that didnt hate me. that didnt leave me. that didnt make it very clear that he would always put the needs and wants of himself and his girlfriend before the needs of his child. i wish i didnt know what being unwanted felt like at 7 years old.

i want a mother who that i can cry on without having to be aware of how she's feeling, that i can talk to without feeling like i have to constantly censor myself to not give away just how much she messed me up, that i can hug and be comforted by instead of feeling like my skin is burning every time she touches me. i dont want to be forced to be a therapist to my own mother, hearing all the things i have in common with my father and how all those qualities make a person terrible. i wish i didnt know how to stop crying on command, how to be numb and empty at 12 years old.

i want a big brother who will protect me instead of hurt me, i want to be able to look at my brother and know he'll chase all the monsters away instead of being the monster. i wish i wasnt forced to have this specific room because its the only room where the door opens in, so that he cant open it if he wants to hurt me. i dont want to have to think about what i'd do if he stops pulling his punches one day and kills my mother. or if he kills my dog. or if he kills me. I dont want to be forced to hide all the fragile things because he might break them. i dont want to live in a house where we have to hide the knives because you never know what he'll do. i wish i didnt know how to quickly hide the fragile and valuable things and how to take the hits and hide the pain and hide the fear at seeing my mother on the floor after being beaten by my big brother at 10 years old.

i wish i lived a life where im not scared that everyone i love will hurt me. i wish i had a family who are the reason i wake up in the morning instead of being the reason i want to go back to sleep.

i wish i had a family i could look at and honestly and truthfully say, "i know they would mourn me if i killed myself."

but i cant say that. because i genuinely dont know if they would.

and i think the most terrible thing of all, is that i dont know if i would mourn them either

and that thought is terrifying to me

[femmeferengi]

would love to hear more about your ocs if you’d like to share!

I’d love to!!! gonna put it under a read more so it doesn’t clog up anything

My ocs are (mostly) from this little farming moon colony in Cardassian space that was basically abandoned to be self-sufficient after the dominion war.

so essentially you remember the Maquis storyline where it said that all of them are in prison or dead or Voyager? I’m ignoring that a little but also using that. basically in the blind terror of getting away from the dominion a marquis cell (so about a dozen/two dozen people roughly) crashed onto this moon

There are basically two sets of ocs - the merge generation, where one of the farming districts, the Taar district, starts incorporating the maquis into their community due to need and resignation, and then there’s the colony collapse generation, which is the kids from the merge generation all grown up and contact a relief mission to help them before they lose their home

As for actual ocs, ive fleshed out the kids more because that’s where i started. Carver Raju Taar and Lelli Kozett are my favourites/most formed. Carver and Lelli are also the first Maquis-Cardassian merge children to be born, so they’ve been pretty knee-deep in all the politics over the roughly 25-30 years the colony has been on its own.

Taar’s mother Priya was an ex-Starfleet human Maquis that was pregnant when they crashed and presumed dead for a while after she disappeared. She was rescued and helped by Gena Taar and eventually they formed a bond. Carver was adopted by Gena after Priya died when he was still a baby, with Priya’s consent. Gena was pretty important politically for the colony and her adoption of Carver really fucked things up lol but no one could really tell her no and by the time people found out Lelli’s parents had gotten together so it was just dealt with in stride. Carver actually ends up being the person slated to take over for the district in the end, despite having older cousins, so he gets to be stressed about responsibility and a family legacy he has been routinely estranged from that he still longs to maintain. poor guy lol

Lelli’s half betazoid, half cardassian. Jaska Kozett and Eirris Zei were assigned to work together once the cell was discovered and subsequently fell in love. The maquis kinda saw it coming (Eirris wasn’t subtle) and so this was accepted with resignation. Jaska is important to the district, not entirely sure how yet, so she was pretty brazen once their relationship was public. Lelli is kind of a rainbow baby, her siblings didn’t survive, and she spent much of her childhood being smothered by her parents whenever she wasn’t with the district doctor. As a teenager her psionic abilities developed abnormally; she projects her own emotions constantly but has no read on others. Her dad managed to convince Vossa, a Vulcan (and Maquis), to teach her how to control her emotions when controlling the projection appeared to fail. As an adult Lelli has taken over most of the district doctor duties in secret with her mentor’s secret failing health. She’s also stressed lol and still completely unqualified to do the medical stuff she’s doing. She wants to leave the colony but responsibility keeps her there.

My other guys aren’t as developed/concrete yet but im concentrating on the district and cell rn haha. timeline wise i think that in the end the colony just cannot sustain itself and the kids who have defined themselves through their roles to the community are forced to reckon with what to do when that community may no longer exist ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ it’s a work in progress!!

[entei]

diary march 2023

my life has been weird lately.

i have been enjoying my new medication. i find myself taking joy in little things i previously found myself too pessimistic or focused on a bigger picture to slow down and appreciate. ive stopped dreading the hours after the sun sets and dont feel afraid being alone with my thoughts as much as i used to.

ive mostly spent the time trying to be present. mostly attending to my real life responsibilities and using my free time to focus on the people i care about and trust the most.

that being said, i still feel really incomplete. one of my goals with the meds was to feel more motivated in daily life. my executive dysfunction is something i had always attributed to my depression, but now that ive improved on that front its been easier for me to grasp my individual symptoms and what might be going on...

ive always known im neurodivergent in some way, and ive had some pressure on me as a child from the adults in my life to get it sorted out. struggled in educational settings. barely floundered out of special-ed tests and sessions. saw counselors long term. my parents hadnt thought me special in that regard though. jules has anxiety, most kids have anxiety. i had tried to communicate that i felt uniquely different a couple times but i was young, without the words to describe what i was going through, without the agency to seek psychiatry on my own, to even know that psychiatry was an option.

ive definitely also internalized some of the internet rhetoric ive seen about self-diagnosis even if i dont agree with it. i told myself for a long time that because an authority never told me i have adhd that i was being attention-seeking if i even SUSPECTED anything, not realizing that "hey, i identify with these symptoms and think i might have a problem!" is an important part of getting diagnosed to begin with 😭

all of that to say, i feel decently confident that i have inattentive adhd. ive spent some time researching and talking to friends who deal with it. more and more things become obvious in retrospect. i want to be able to think clearly! i want to be able to focus on one task for more than 15 minutes at a time! i want to go a day where i dont forget to do the most utmost basic things to care for myself like... eating!!!!

i feel bad for continuing to have to put my life and projects on hold while i get help (yay having to wait several weeks just to talk to my doctor for 10 minutes and get a referral to even get started), but i cannot stress how much i cant, like, DO!!!! i CANNOT focus. ever. at all. its SO frustrating, and even if i get diagnosed i have weeks or months of experimenting with different medications ahead of me until i might start feeling productive again. the thought really stresses me out. do i have adhd? who knows dude!!!! im kind of running out of options. the only way out is through (the perfume department).

[rosefromc0ncret3]

i barely ever post on here. and when i do, its always when i have a lot on my mind. a year ago, i moved back home after getting a job opportunity in sf. its the position i always wanted at the school i always wanted to work out. i was so excited yet so scared at the same time. it has been quite a year. professionally and personally. professionally, i dont think anything could have prepared me for this job. a lot of moments where i really had to ask myself if i was fit for this position. if it was what i wanted. and if it was even the right decision to come back here. i found myself missing a lot of my socal life. kinda looking at it thru rose tinted glasses. are there aspects of my life from down there that i miss? all the time. but i also have to remember the fact of how hard it was to be on my own, physically. even when i would distract myself and find time to indulge in my hobbies, it would still be difficult to avoid the thoughts in my head. and the overwhelming loneliness i felt. i am glad to be back home for many reasons. but its been hard from living by myself to back to sharing a room with my sister in my childhood home. i love being in close proximity to things and knowing this town like the back of my hand, but i cant help but feel like ive regressed sometimes. it feels like i still have the behaviors i had when i was a teenager, especially when it comes to the arguments i have with my parents. it gets rly frustrating sometimes. becuz i am considered an adult. but not to my parents eyes. but i guess thats how it will always be. how do i become my own person and have my own life without forgetting where i came from? and without forgetting that my parents are also human and gave me what they could while i was growing up? sometimes, it feels like i am having to parent my own self again when it comes to having to unlearn certain ways of thinking.. habits.. the way i talk to myself, etc. it is really difficult. and i see how much it still affects me. but one thing i always tell myself is that i cannot keep blaming others when i too have the power to change that. i guess i am just too into processing my own feelings lately. today, i have felt really lonely again. and that i am wasting my life away. ive just been at home. not really sure who to turn to these days when my close group of friends have their own lives. not sure if anyone knows or remembers i exist sometimes. i know that folks are busy, but i have always struggled with taking things too personal. i feel like this shows up when i feel like i am always the one reaching out or when i dont get an immediate response from people. but again, i know thats just how life is as we get older. i have unfortunately always felt like this. and it really causes me to spiral sometimes and makes me scared that people do not like me as much as i think they do. im not sure why or how i always let how others perceive me affect the way i view myself. and not just from day to day to life, but at work too.

imposter syndrome has been so real in this job. struggling to figure out the right decision, constantly juggling the heaviest situations at the site and consulting with diff folks.. making sure kids are heard and felt safe. unfortunately, sometimes it felt like one of those things had to be compromised in order for another thing to work out. i never felt like i could win sometimes during this past school year. this has been the most challenging year in my career. but it has also been the one that has been giving me the most growth. there were moments where i would be happy after talking to my coworkers or students that served as a reminder of why i chose this field. and then there were moments where it was like.. fuck this all the way lol. i am always told to give myself grace, but how. how when there are so many things going on. sigh. i hope that i can continue to improve going forward. i also dont want my fears to take over so much that i become what i am afraid of. i know that sometimes you just have to jump in it and be about it. in a little over a month, i'll be back in it. maybe during this time i can give myself time to reflect and figure out how i want to fulfill the role after this past year. this may be strange to say.. but i felt like this is the first job where i felt like i excelled. in my previous positions, i felt confident and i knew that i was doing a good job. this one makes me feel opposite. how do i tell the voice that that is not true and to instead challenge those thoughts? it just gets really difficult. but i suppose its easier to sulk in your thoughts instead of having to take action. but i know that wont do any good for me. sigh.

i have been trying to find ways to take care of myself and still stay productive this summer. i have been getting back into an exercise routine, which does feel good actually. going to different cafes have always been a hobby of mine. i just came back from new jersey last week and that is always fun. taking time to myself and trying to rejuvenate my inner being. even if its just for a little bit. these feelings that i have basically vomited out always come and go. but when its here, boy is it present. and it becomes hard to get out of. i hope that with time and patience that i'll be able to let go of these feelings and trust that things will work out. i was watching a documentary the other day and they said "i would like to think that things happen for us and not to us" which is actually something that my previous boss told me. i think about that quote from time to time. but funny enough, i felt like hearing that in the documentary was a sign for me. like a confirmation that things will and always work out.

[wildlycuriouswanderercj]

Its been a while since i vented. I only vent when i need to let go of heavy baggages. Like a pile of shit in my chest. Idk if aum likes me. She out there with jonny in bangkok. With her friends. Theyre drinking. She doesnt call me. She looks like shes having rhe time of her life. Happy. Thats great. Thabks jonny of taking care of her. But personal i dont like that. I rather have her just wait st pattaya like a real girlfriend. And not go out drinking. She didnt have to go. Why her. Natapon couldve went. Why it had to be her. Why she making fun videos with jonny in the same room. Why is she seem so happy. Why she dont call me. Why she only ask what im doing and dont tell me what she doing. Why. Why so i even care. I dont like her. Shes too big for me. Her wnergy is good. But shes not the match for me. I think imma let her go. Its ok if we can still be friends. But i think im done with her. Im not jealous. Im not angry. Im kinda of sad. I want to do some muay thai. I think im going to stay in pattaya. Or im going to koh samui. I dont want to go home. Im going to save much money and live out here much as possible. I dont care about a silly tradtional dinner. Its my life. Its my last time i might be out. Im not going back until i use up all my money and more. I dont care about my credit. I just need to relieve my shit in my chest. I thought she csred sbout me. Im at these few days were i feel the most lonely ive ever been. Past month i been so fill with people. Today i meet yan and izaya. It was fun listening to and talking sbout japanese culture anime and songs and showing them thailand. But in the end im alone. And im sad. I need some company. The time i need company rhe most i dont have anyone to share with me. Its 3 in the morning. Cant sleep. But ill try. Tmrw i go eat more laksa. Because thsts my favorite. I wont post anymore on ig. Im done with ig. I dont care unless its somone tryig. To contact me. Which thwres nobody to really contact. Maybe we go see alien eye girl. Maybe not. She kind of freak me out. Tmrw we go for a run. Then a workout. The. We go eat laksa. We get in shape this year. We get smart. We est fish. We get fast. And we live well alobe. We need to take care of ourspeves. We can only rely on our own company. We dont need anybody else. We dont want to reply to anybody. Anyone. We dont need anyone. We have ourselves. Thats all. We only eat good. No. Tmrw we go eat poke. We only est dry food from now on. Bread. Pasta. Salad. Fish. Kura kura is ok. We will no longer reply ro aum. We are finish. She wasnt there for me these few days. She make me worry during tike i neeed company the most. I needed someone to talk to. She wasnt there during these most critical times. When school starts in 3 days or 2. I wont have the time to be lonely. Ill be busy. So busy i dont have time for anybody. Not for love. Not for anybody. Just me and the spirits and lessons. After this 4 weeks. We go back to soi 7. We get our roght chest done. We dont drink for a day. We go pattaya at night. We get the piece done the morning of. We dont drink that day. We go and simple relax at the beach in jomtien where nobody is. We just chill. We drink coconuts and eat at terminal 21. Becuade thats our favorite chill time. We go find a gym. We work out. We lift. We relieve ourselves we get fit. We just strong. We go shopping. We got buy expensive necklace for protection. We go visit our friend in big buddha. We pray to the gods for protection and guidance. We give back to the great society of thailand. We stay in pattaya until tatto is finish healing. On the 6 or 7 we leave to koh samui. And thatll be that. We dont want to go home. We dont need to go home. Home is not where we belong. I need to live my life my way. I need to become my pwn adult. I need to take responsibilities for my only life. We dont not need to chade fame. We just need to know oursleves. Life live life outside our comfort zone. Live below our means. And ask marco if we can borrow 3k. Or 2k. We go koh samui we race we love. We meet and see new places. And we go koh tao

[daddyd0nt]

How is a woman reading erotica negative? If a woman writes erotica about a woman's pleasure for the consumption of other women tell me where the patriarchy is in that because Im not seeing it. By that logic, fantasizing while wanking is self harm, am I supposed to teach myself to cum with a zen empty meditation brain?

And most women don't even read straight up erotica, they read a spicy romance novel with a plot and characters and actual artistic merit. Some of these books are VERY problematic but I wouldn't throw the whole romance genre out the window because "credence" exists.

Theres nothing wrong with responsible depictions of healthy adult sexuality, all depictions of sexuality are not automatically patriarchal. There are lesbians writing lesbian "spicy romance" about lesbians for the consumption of a lesbian audience, how does the patriarchy benefit from lesbians getting each other off?

Allowing yourself a fun little fantasy isn't any worse than allowing yourself a piece of chocolate. Like yeah if thats all you eat/read it is not healthy but you can consume it in a healthy way.

And porn and "spicy" romance are in no way the same thing. Porn isn't immoral because sex is immoral, porn is immoral because it exploits a real living human body. With erotica its kind of like... yeah you can have unskilled writing or plots that i personally find icky but there is no human victim, there is no exploited flesh and bone human body. While porn with real exploited people still exist how do you even have the energy to be mad about "spicy romance"? There are not publishing houses swooping girls into contracts the day they turn 18 and forcing them to write smut. There are not publishing houses recruiting girls fresh out of ED treatment to exploit their bodies.

Literature is just literature. It is fiction. it cannot harm you. You can simply choose to moderate your own consumption of media and not read steamy romance if you don't like it but I wouldn't compare it to porn or self harm. Ive been addicted to SH since I was 11 (20 years) and I kind of take offence to that comparison, me cutting myself to ribbons in a trance and having to spend the next week in a psych ward is a lot more harmful than me reading a book where people have sex. Funny enough, they let me take books including smut and extreme horror into the mental hospital but wouldn't let me have my markers out of fear that id scratch myself with the caps so I think a doctor would disagree with you if you compared the two. One is a humiliating addiction that leaves your body forever altered and the other is a story about two people who fall in love/lust and fuck which is part of healthy adulthood but grosses you out so it is somehow immoral?

Also no need to get nasty I literally just asked you to elaborate on your point to come to a better understanding. Not every question from somebody outside your viewpoint is coming from a place of bad faith, i genuinely am curious as to why you believe this.

Many people on the internet these days are comparing “spicy” booktok romance slop with porn and asking what’s the difference. Well i think the females that are obsessed with thinly veiled dramione fanfiction are annoying and weird and I probably don’t want to discuss reading with them. Males addicted to pornography should be shot in the head.

[fraener]

2/27/23

im drinking some tea that tastes like oatmeal with syrup in it. it’s chai and chestnut tea together with a bit of milk and sugar. last night i made lamb chili and watched a movie from my childhood. i really liked the message of it, i remember it didnt take off quite as big as other childrens movies at the time and i think its cause it had a very clear but convoluted storyline revolving childhood trauma and building resilience from an understanding that things always change and move and the future may be better. this morning i just read something about children being outside of the time conception of adults and how we force them to see and feel time the way we do as they grow up. ive been wondering if time moves so quickly for us because there are so little joyous surprises. all of the surprise is reserved for accidents, illness, death, bad news. our days are too carefully planned by ourselves- children have most things planned for them and we do our best to give children enjoyable and kind experiences. i wonder if things would be different if we treated one another with the compassion we have for children. i also wonder if things would be different if people surprised one another with joyous things more often as well. it shouldnt be rare to hear that someones partner or friend planned a whole day(only just a day) just for them, full of things they thought they’d like and all of it a surprise. children get that every day. im often convinced i knew just as much when i was a child as i do now. it feels like the other wrench in the machine is knowing too much about people. i used to know much more about the smaller animals and plants and things and i felt more like i could be on their time. less responsibility then or more forgiving responsibility so i could do things at my own time was something different as well. i havent been trying to juggle everything for very long, only a couple of years, but i really dont like having so much responsibility. im not sure that anyone does. i want to relearn surprise and find ways to live in which i dont have to “carve out time” from my day. i dont want to live with time anymore and i think id feel a lot better about it if it wasnt so engrained in me at this point. I shouldnt be able to guess the time down to a 5 minute range at any given moment. i remember some of the days going fast when i was a child and some of them going really slow. i dont actually think that time felt like it moved slower then or necessarily that it feels like its getting faster now, i think im just being forced to pay way more attention to it than i used to. this week some of the days have gone really slowly and some of them have gone really quickly. time passes much faster when youre deep in thought or in rest or in a project. time passes slowly when youve got a lot of things to do. i think it might be about finding contrast or ways to build contrast so the different types of time feel more varietal. and to find people who will surprise you. its been snowing on and off the last couple of days between the rain and the freezing. im nearing the end of the quarter, the buds on the oak are getting fat and anxious, ive been hearing the finches rehearsing their spring songs. i feel very clearly that the thing missing from my life is attention to the right things- attention to detail, attention and trust in joy, attention to time moving slowly. a lot of me is consumed by other things. i want to divert my attention away from my obsessive thoughts and cycles. i know this ocd flareup isnt about the food at all. it has nothing to do with food. i think thats just something my parts decided they could control. i think school and the emotional fallout from being in a big abusive relationship and then several smaller, sometimes more disrespectful relationships has really sent me spiraling. i think i need to focus on figuring out what exactly i >can< control. 

[reqvlvs]

id personally like to address a few things ive been seeing in response to monday's episode because i like putting my personal opinion into places people don't want it :)

first off, need i remind some of you that Maddie has a mental illness? mental illness isn't rational. to her it seems like she's doing the best she can in order to protect her daughter. while we are aware that this is not true and that'd she'd never purposefully hurt her daughter, Maddie doesn't see it this way. some of you Maddie antis are using this to prove that she's a bad person or a bad sister to buck and it is really fucking annoying. buck is a grown ass adult. he doesn't need his sister to rely on so that he can have stable mental health. i get that he loves her and hates seeing her hurt because everyone with a relationship with their sibling gets it, but buck will be fine. can we, for this one, just focus on Maddie and hope that she gets home and she gets better instead of focusing on how bucks dealing with it? this is not to say that buck isn't going through it and that buck doesn't have a right to be sad, i just wish we could take the time to acknowledge Maddie is not a bad sister and that she does love buck, but she for this once needs to take time for herself.

second. read this very slow so you'll understand what im saying. eddie would never, EVER threaten anyone. this one's specifically for you fanfiction writers. a lot of you take Eddie's overprotective behavior towards buck and you think he'd literally kill a man for buck. while it is true that Eddie will do anything he can to protect buck, he would never go to chim and threaten to hurt him if he "ever touched buck again." like i said before, buck is a grown ass man. he knows how to figure out his own shit. Eddie loves his team, they're his family, he's protective over all of them. sure there might be slight preference towards buck simply because of how close they are, but he would never go up to chim and threaten to hurt him over a split second mistake. you all took Eddie's Street fighting arc and just ran with it, making him out to be a violent person. when Eddie was street fighting, he was going through a lot of things that he didn't know how to handle. fighting was just a way to get out everything he was feeling, albeit in an unhealthy way, but he didn't know how else to do it. he's grown since then. he's realized he can deal with his emotions in some other way. that whole POINT of him going to therapy was so be could work through this issues without violence. and and regardless, if there was anyone would understand what chim is going through, it's eddie. he too has been left by his child's mother before. he understand the emotional termoil that comes with becoming a single father out of nowhere. he understands chim. he'd never hurt him.

third and finally, i do not in anyway blame chim for punching buck. i really don't. while everyone has no doubt been going through it since Maddie left, chim has really really been going through it. he's been left alone with his daughter and his girlfriend could literally be anywhere. a situation like that is understandably emotionally taxing. he's going through a lot right now with almost no way to regulate his emotions. he's angry at himself, he's sad no doubt, and he's scared with no way to regulate this emotions properly. of course he was going to snap eventually. so when he found out that buck had been talked to Maddie, every emotion he was feeling bubbled to surface just exploded. of course, violence is never the answer and chim did make a mistake but i understand why he did what he did. and most importantly, he will apologize. once he's realized what he did and how he hurt buck, he will apologize, because chim understands and grows from his mistakes. you people just have to give him some time jc.

also to the fanfiction writer i saw saying that when Maddie came back that she should be mad at chimney "for not looking for her" a giant sincere, fuck you. chimney has literally been working himself to the bone in order to find her specifically as she said NOT to. Maddie might be slightly upset about went on between chim and buck but she would never be mad at chim for not looking for her. jesus christ y'all, i fr sometimes think im not watching the same show as everyone else.

anyways, feel how you feel about the latest episode, just make sure you take into account what is going on around theses characters and their actual personality traits. shit is happening and they're all going through it. and that mine friends, is the second installment of opinions no one asked for

[man-squared]

[ ID: A reblog on this post from the original poster that reads,

"no, im talking about a pattern of behavior ive seen in people my age. it's the difference between boy scout camp and girl scout camp that people never unlearn. when i say 'Some transfems do not take the time to unlearn sexism in the same way some adult cis men dont' mean it. I said 'amabs' because amab nonbinary people can also be sexist, as well as amab intersex people. This is all encompassing. why is that controversial to say. It's not controversial to say that AFABS/transmascs have to unlearn their misogyny or internalised misogyny, or our biases against men & masculinity." End ID. ]

Okay, here's my reply in bullet points to help myself a bit with my habit of reiterating and with going on tangents.

1. Male socialization has a specific stigma to it. It's hard to deny that, and that is one reason why so many people jumped to point out you are spewing redfem-adjacent rhetoric out onto the internet. It has been used to hurt trans people, trans women specifically, and that needs to be addressed. I saw this reblog (https://www.tumblr.com/joleneareia/755815725589020672/im-going-to-respond-to-this-as-a-trans-woman?source=share) on your post that points out how much this idea erases a lot of trans women's experiences.

2. What did you hope to achieve from this? From my perspective, this just serves to create an even bigger divide within our community and not address the actual reasons you may have made the post in the first place. I find it a bad post in general, but that's just my personal opinion. It doesn't read as "it's people's responsibility to unlearn the society they grow up in" (paraphrasing). It reads like "this is a transfemme problem."

3. I have seen a lot of trans people from all sides be sexist. You put in your tags "if it's bioessentialism to point out that sexism is baked into our society . . ." but I want to point out, that's not all that you did. You created a AFAB versus AMAB (using these abbreviations as nouns is its own problem) debate. It is the same thing that transandrophobic transfemmes are doing. Why do we need to us versus them the trans community? To make more terves? To not actually address the systems in place that hurt us all in very similar and very impactful ways? Additionally, as has been said before, it reads exactly like something that would be said on red feminists' blogs and in their theory. It doesn't really paint you in the best light. You said your words were intentional, but your post doesn't read as intentional either, unless your intention was generalization because "AMABs" are not the problem, the sexism and behavior is, which I have not seen you address what behavior you are talking about beyond "being born and raised in a world as a boy" (I want to point out that not all younger trans people who were assigned male at birth will be raised as boys either).

4. I think your double down instead of explanation (at the very least an explanation) is very ironic considering your post. You say that AMABs (your post first says "people who were socialized as men/boys" and then tries to paint it like you only meant younger "AMABs") need to unlearn a socialization, but it also seems like you need to. I think that's why some of the people reblogging your post are actually trying to engage with you and not just call you names (which I don't wholly agree with calling you names and I don't think you deserve).

5. I said before, but a lot of people are just going to see your initial post, either because they follow you, other people reposting, or your tags. That's how a lot of posts on tumblr work. You don't have to perfectly word everything, but it will be the version that most people see. And you aren't a private blog (and didn't initially disallow reposts), so your audience is going to be far more than those who might follow you. It is a little bit our responsibility to think about the impact of our words both online and offline and who we are potentially speaking to with what we are saying regardless of our intent. I don't think that a big percentage of the actual demographic you are talking about will either see your post or think that it applies to them, but it's very telling from the replies how this has already impacted some of the community. I'm glad you say you will take the step to delete certain reblogs and such, but I think we all need to at least question why our posts get reblogged by certain groups that we don't engage with, are not a part of, or dislike (all posts, whether "right" or "wrong" or productive or not).

6. The main reason I responded in a more kind way to your post (besides trying to change my knee-jerk reactions to online commentary) is because you were hurt. I've seen a lot of hurt people in the trans community (and in others) make bad taste posts that hurt other trans people and further alienate themselves from the problem and a solution. You're posts generalize an experience and is drenched in essentialism, and while it does not excuse your words, you are hurt. I've been thinking a lot about how fear and hurt can lead to detrimental actions and isolation from communities. We do need to address sexism when it comes up. We need to address transmisogyny and transandrophobia and exorsexism, too.

7. I have not seen one person argue on your post that sexism isn't real or that gender roles aren't. That's a sharp accusation to poke and instantly works as a way to frame anyone calling you out as sexist. I don't think you meant it that way. I'm pointing out what was written. But I will say it reads just like a certain type of transphobe that you say you will delete the reblogs on your post. They often use "the TRAs don't believe in sexism" as some sort of gotcha against the trans community as a whole.

8. I really want to address your tags on the latest repost from my blog, specifically "y'all didn't have to be the ones to hear a teacher . . . ." I heard that growing up, and I bet you a lot of the people calling you out did, too. You're making assumptions, and I have no idea why. Another tag you posted was "pretend like calling afab NB people 'whiny theyfabs' isn't sexist as fuck." I really think you are pushing bigoted ideas onto the wrong group of people because I've never seen anyone besides the perpetrators saying that. You're painting assumptions on a large group of people who do not have the beliefs you are assuming they do. I have a few posts and reblogs myself about the whole lateral aggression of other trans people (and I have largely seen transmascs doing it to other transmascs, by the way) telling us to shut up because we are whiny men and how it is very similar if not the same to the way we should shut up because we are whiny women. You are generalizing experiences and beliefs.

And lastly, I want to highlight a few replies. From p-unicorn240: "It's interesting how a cis woman can be misogynistic and we're able to recognise that she's likely internalised self hating attitudes towards woman that she's now externalising. Yet when it comes to trans women, apparently it must be a result of being at some core level a man." From getinontopic: "Hey I agree some people are definitely absolving themselves of learned sexism, but we dont need to make it sound like every person whos against this is actively acting on sexism they were raised on. I have a lot of crits on how lots of white trans people speak on the subject, but it is just as often me blocking transmasc as transfems who put their whitness first as a defense. I know this is meant to be an angry rant, but this is near indistinguishable from terf post."

look im sorry but im sick to fucking death of people who were raised & socialised as boys and men never taking a fucking second to analyize the lens they view the world through like. half of the younger amabs, and yes i mean that, ive met never learned how to stop seeing afabs, and yes I mean that, as little girls who need to shut up. you just havent taken the time to unlearn that. it's fucking infuriating. im tired of not saying it. transitioning into womanhood doesn't baptise you of the patriarchy you've been taught to perpetuate your whole life, especially if you're white, or the behaviors you learned to do that. you have to actually look that in the eyes and deal with it and stop treating the LGBTQ+ community as a whole like it's our job to deal with the "complexities" of intersectionality while you just get to focus on yeah pretty much JUST white transmisogyny. Y'all are still fucking sexist deep down.

[mitts2002]

Aight’ Bet

Hi this is my first time posting on here so I hope whoever is reading this enjoys!! This is a noritoshi kamo x reader where the nori and (Y/N) need a little push from their wonderful Gojo sensei to finally confess~

"Dont you think (Y/N) and noritoshi would make the cutest couple!?" Gojo screamed over the phone to Utahime who sighed in response.

"I can't help but disagree Gojo, Noritoshi doesn't seem ready for a relationship plus is the only reason you rang me really to discuss our students non existent love lives?" Utahime retorted knowing that the couple would in fact be adorable yet refusing to accept that Gojo could actually be right about something.

"No Utahime! I bet if them two were able to spend a few hours together the tension would build up so high that one of them would burst and BAM a couple would be born" the blue eyed male replied, the volume of his voice increasing with each word trying to convince her that they were the highschool sweethearts the jujustu world needed.

“How could you even say that!? I get that its cute whenever they glance at each other and shy away with cute little blushing cheeks but i bet it would take more than a few hours for a whole relationship to-” “OH you bet“ Gojo interrupted an obvious smirk on his face knowing Utahime wouldn’t back down from his advances.

“you know what i meant idiot i wasn’t actually trying to make a bet with you especially after what happened last time” the black haired woman scoffed after hearing a chuckle through the phone.

“Aight’ bet! tomorrow ill bring my second years to kyoto for some training and then lets see if something happens between our precious students“ Gojo proposed excitedly as if he were a child in a sweet shop.

“you know what fine! and im only agreeing cause i know nothings gonna happen tomorrow between them i mean noritoshi is too stiff and (Y/N) always backs out last minute” utahime exclaimed not wanting to prove Gojo right. “GREAT! if i win then you will have to be my slave for 2 whole days and if you win ill be your-” “wait i never agreed to that!” “see ya tomorrow then!” Gojo had quickly rushed his farewells before hanging up relieved he avoided Utahime’s lecture.

"Alright class!" Gojo sensei yelled excitingly as he burst through the doors. This overgrown man child always had something new, it could never be a regular class where his students actually learn then were let out for a break. No Gojo Satorou had to be the most extra male on this earth and for the first time ever it worked in his second year student (Y/N)'s favour.

"What it is now?" Maki groaned with an annoyed expression on her face. No one could blame her though after all the blindfolded man put his beloved students through. "Don't be so sour maki! Be like me a sweet little mochi~ Oh and before I forget I wanted to let you all know that we will meeting with our lovely sister school for some training. Isnt that great!?" Gojo sensei had announced clapping his hands and smiling brightly.

'I wonder if training is all this is' (Y/N) thought to herself realising how sus this situation was before speaking out "wait Gojo sensei weren't we meant to learn a super secret technique today? You said that you were gonna show it us yesterday and that nothing could stop you" (Y/N) questioned as Inumaki gave a little "shake" for support.

"Well my dear (Y/N) something VERY important has come up and we must go to kyoto immediately. You have no right to deny and we will be leaving in 30 minutes so go grab whatever you kids need" Gojo sensei had practically sung before skipping out the door. What an odd man everyone collectively thought before getting up to grab whatever they needed.

30 minutes has passed and in that time panda had gathered his and maki's weapons while you and toge stocked up on cough medicine and basic medical equipment. The journey was short since Gojo had practically teleported you all there and all that was left was to approach the students.

A few figures from the distance were slowly coming into view and (Y/N) could vaguely make out that only utahime, miwa, mai, momo and noritoshi had attended this last minute joint training.

Despite the others reaching and gathering around your small group of second years giving their greetings the only thing your eyes could focus on was noritoshi’s thick black hair as it gently swayed in the breeze. Honestly it was as if the man was in a L'Oréal advert or something.

"(Y/N) stop staring we all know you both have this weird thing going on but we're here to train not flirt dumbass" Maki had whispered into your ear but little did she know that you were in fact here to flirt and not train due to a certain bet between two teachers.

“alright kids listen up! me and the wonderful Utahime sensei have set up this last minute training as its always good to train with new people and techniques. Everyone will be working in pairs“ Gojo announced before Utahime continued.

“The teams we decided on today will be Maki and Miwa, Momo and Imumaki, Panda and Mai then (Y/N) and Noritoshi. Eveyones free to do whatever they want in their sparring matches just don’t severely injure each other, me and Gojo will be watching over the matches and determine the winners“ Utahime informed all the students before they scurried off to in different spaced out areas.

"So Noritoshi how are you? Its been a while since we've last seen eachother" (Y/N) said trying not to let her nervousness show.

"I'm alright just studying and training to be honest. Although I recently started to practice cursive and can even write my own name now" he responded with pride and a small nice.

You laughed causing Noritoshi to cock his head to the side in confusion. "Is there something wrong with cursive?" His deep voice asked with clear offense.

"No no it's just that's so freaking cute and you look so happy about it too" (Y/N) teased with more laughter and ruffled his hair

"Oi don't touch my hair do you know how long it takes to do these wrap bang things?"

"Well how would I know I've never done them nori"

"Well one day I could teach you if you'd like" Noritoshi offered looking to the side trying to hide his red cheeks.

"Aww I'd love that I'm awful at doing hair to be honest so learning some new styles would be great but first we gotta get this dumb sparring match over and done with" (Y/N) moaned as she got into position.

_______________________________

An hour had flew by and the students were taking a break from their matches happily chatting away while the teachers spoke in private about their progress. “come on look at the way they look at eachother OH (Y/N) touched his shoulder SHES FLIRTIN-” “GOJO SHUT THE FUCK UP YOUR SO DAMN LOUD” “sorry but loooook they in love” Gojo cried out with fake tears in his cerulean eyes

“Alright lets just observe look theyre going to the vending machine to get some drinks like FRIENDS DO“ Utahime emphasised on the friends worried she might lose and become this awful mans slave for 2 days.

_______________________________

“Nori im gonna go get a drink from the vending machine do you want one?” “Actually ill just come with you if you dont mind” “OH sure thats fine does anyone else want anything!?” (Y/N) yelled to the whole group receiving a choir of get me this please or get me that and the single tuna mayo.

The walk to the vending machine was quiet but a comfortable silence had fallen upon the pair. It was always like this when you were around Noritoshi Kamo. Peaceful. She didnt feel the need to go the extra mile to entertain him or ensure he wasn’t bored in your presence as your playful banter and sarcastic remarks towards one another was enough for the both of you. 

“(Y/N) is it me or have Gojo and Utahime sensei been staring at us more than the others?“ Noritoshi questioned unable to shake off the feeling of being watched. “Um i’m not too sure i havent been really paying attention to anything other than yo-“ Embarrasment washed over (Y/N) as the words flew out of her mouth before she could stop herself.

“Is that so?“ Nori smirked slightly as you swore you could drop dead right here in this moment. “No i just meant that” “Meant what?“ Noritoshi interrupted leaning closer as you fumbled through your words

“OH LOOK the vending machine is right there better get those drinks“ You quickly said and scrambled away before Noritoshi could get any closer.

“SEE Nori was too intimidating and (Y/N) ran off despite clearly wanting him! its never gonna happen today“ Utahime whispered to Gojo benhind the bushes as he shook his head. “Trust me i have faith in my wonderful (Y/N) I AINT RAISED NO BITCH“ He exclaimed in response while Utahime facepalmed.

The two young adults had collected all the drinks they needed and were ready to walk back to the group. ‘come on (Y/N) you’ve liked this man forever now and everyone knows he must like you back ITS NOW OR NEVER HOE’ (Y/N) screamed words of encouragement to herself before grabbing Noritoshi’s sleeve.

“Is everything alright (Y/N)?” “I have something ive been meaning to tell you Nori, I um like you a lot and i’d like to take you out if you dont mind” (Y/N) had practically yelled at the poor boy because of her stupid nerves and adrenaline.

The silence was broken by an angelic laughter coming from none other than Noritoshi Kamo. “Well i would’ve liked to be the one to take you out but i guess sometimes its alright for traditions and stereotypes to be broken by the younger generation” Nori responded as he walked closer to (Y/N) wrapping his arms around her and pulling her into a sweet kiss. The kiss was messy and clearly new to the both but filled with much love and passion that was finally being expressed by the pair.

As their lips eventually pulled away never wanting this to end, heavy breaths filled the air and cheeks flushed but all that was interrupted by a white haired male clapping in the background screaming “YES I WIN” while the other teacher crouched to the ground tears in her eyes.

[animereaderinsertwriter]

Cupbearer (Eren/Reader)

Part II

Part I (complete)

Part III (complete)

Part IV (in progress)

Warnings: MINORS DO NOT INTERACT (im watching you, if you see this, begone!), vampire!eren, hunter!reader, fem!reader, smut, some amount of predator/prey dynamics but only kinda?? there is also a significant age difference but only cos eren is immortal and all that jazz. we're all adults here. there will eventually be smut.... and do i really need to say that there's gonna be blood in a vampire fic?

Description: A story of falling in love in 4 parts.

Eren is a bad man (well, a bad Creature) who has done bad things. When he meets the great-great-great granddaughter of one of his former friends in his favorite blood bar, however, he thinks it might not matter so much what happened in the past, so long as he can make the future something worth living to see.

Ao3 link here

Making deals with a vampire was one thing, (Y/N) supposed, but fulfilling such a deal was quite another.

When Zeke— who held the contradictory position of the regional Commander of the Hunters as well as the alpha of a local werewolf pack— had approached her with the idea of infiltrating Eren Jaeger's inner circle, she had jumped at the chance; her great-to-however-many-degrees grandfather really had been Jean Kirschtein, and she had read his old journal, and her curiosity about the Old Ways was always bubbling just beneath her skin. Zeke, she thought, must have known of her curiosity, because his offer had been everything she was searching for.

You'll have your answers, he told her, And we'll have ours. One way or another, the problem of Eren Jaeger will be solved through your efforts. There is no possible way to lose.

If only she had known how wrong Zeke had been.

At first, things with Eren were simple— well, as simple as things could be with such a delicate arrangement. It had been beyond easy to bait him into approaching her at the Creature bar on 76th Street, and aside from the first time, allowing time for Eren to feed was almost nothing. Even the process of feeding itself wasn't much of an ordeal— there was hardly any pain since he drew from her wrist after a warm soak, and the whole thing took less than five minutes— but around the second time, when the visions began, things began to be… different.

Little snippets of Eren's past began to come as the two of them interacted more and increased the amount of regular feedings. Sometimes it was as little as a feeling, a memory of a face that (Y/N) had never seen before; other times, it was like (Y/N) was truly there centuries ago, in a land that would one day become her home. Now, almost every time she let Eren drink from her, she was thrust back into a world where humanity was (literally) with it's back against the wall, fighting demons and mindless monsters just to survive; and, sometimes, the visions were so intense that she would come back from them terrified, shaking, and incapable of cogent thought. It was during those times that Eren held her, silent, resigned, and yet somehow caring until she was herself again.

It was strange; in the visions, Eren was often passionate to a fault. He was wild, like an animal, but kind, too. During times like these, when he cradled her in his arms as she was trembling with the force of a particularly poignant memory, (Y/N) wondered if the centuries had truly changed him, or if he hid that passion beneath the jaded indifference she had come to expect.

"You think too much," he told her as she buried her face into the crook of his neck. "Your heart is racing."

Of course it was— the terror of watching hundreds of people be consumed by the very wrath of hell itself would do that to a person— but (Y/N) had no rebuttal. She did think too much, and the end result was muddled reports sent back to Zeke and a clouded heart.

"You loved her."

It was a statement, not a question. Mikasa— the brave, beautiful woman that Jean Kirschtein had once loved— may not have always known it, but Eren truly had felt very deeply for her.

"More than life," Eren replied.

(Y/N) thought back to the memory— the sheer panic Eren had felt at the thought of losing his comrades, the desperation with which he strove to save them— and she amended her statement.

"You loved them all."

Eren hummed.

"More than the wide, wide world."

And (Y/N) thought that, perhaps, he truly meant it.

"What did you see this time?" he asked, his voice soft.

(Y/N) pulled back so that she and Eren were face to face, her legs straddling him. His eyes were glowing-green, and she shivered beneath their scrutiny.

"I saw a field full of demons," she told him, unable to meet his gaze. "You and Mikasa were defenseless, yourself having been pushed to your limit, and Mikasa's blades having been broken. There was nowhere to run, and you— you screamed, and—"

A large, warm hand caressed her cheek, and it occurred to (Y/N) that it was her own blood within Eren that gave him such warmth with which to comfort. She placed her smaller hand atop his, and the world seemed to freeze for a moment to allow this brief, intimate interlude.

"Do you understand now?" he asked as he did almost every time she had a vision. "Do you see why I did what I did?"

As always, (Y/N) shook her head, moving his hand from her face.

"No, I don't."

The response was never met with anger or frustration; Eren was only ever resigned to it. Before, (Y/N) might have felt scorn for such a man who cared so little, but now that she had seen who Eren had been, what he'd been through… perhaps he was simply tired of caring so much.

"You're beautiful when you're thinking."

The words caught (Y/N) off guard. She had known that Eren had thought she was attractive— his emotional feedback told her that much— but she had never thought that he would voice such a thought. The compliment heated her cheeks, and (Y/N) had to fight the urge to bury her face in her hands.

"I've always thought," said Eren, speaking slowly, choosing his words carefully, "That one can never truly appreciate the beauty of a blush until one could see it with the eyes of a vampire, or smell it as it rises on the cheek."

Eren placed a hand on her face, tilting it until their eyes were level.

"And as a vampire who has seen many beautiful blushes on many beautiful women, yours is the most bewitching of all."

(Y/N) swallowed thickly.

"Why are you saying this?"

Eren cocked his head to the side, studying her. It was a long moment before he spoke, but when he did, he gave an answer that (Y/N) was not expecting.

"Because it's true, and because I would very much like to kiss you."

(Y/N)'s heart leapt into her throat, but she didn't dare move one way or the other. She just stared at Eren, slack-jawed, as he stared patiently back.

"Why?" she asked when she had collected herself.

Eren shrugged. "Does that matter?"

(Y/N) supposed very much that it did matter, but she didn't feel the need to say so. She studied Eren closely— the latent hunger in his eyes, the set of his jaw, the stain of her blood on his lips— and she thought of how gentle he had been with her, how patient. She had no doubt that he would prove to be equally so in other matters, and she wanted him— but something stopped her.

It would be wrong of me to allow this, she thought, letting her eyes wander to Eren's lips. I'm his enemy, a spy for the Hunters. Allowing him and myself the potential of intimacy is too deep a betrayal, even for me.

Even so, she didn't stop him as he shifted her closer; even so, when his lips brushed hers, she kissed him back, tasting her own blood on his tongue.

"This is a bad idea," she whispered against his lips, shifting in his lap.

"How young you are," he said in return. "There is no such thing as a bad idea, only poor timing and execution. Take it from someone who has centuries of experience; rarely ever is the regret for having done something greater than the regret of not having done it."

So saying, he kissed her again, and (Y/N) threaded her hands in his hair as he reached beneath her shirt. His hands— warm, now, with the heat of her own blood— reached beneath the cup of her bra to cradle her breasts, and she exhaled a hiss as his fingertips found her nipples. She arched into him, pressing her flesh into his hands and parting their lips; he chuckled, dark and low, and she shivered at the sound.

"How many other Creatures have you tricked like this?" he asked, pressing kisses against her neck. "Tell me, pretty girl— just how many have fallen prey to your charms so that you can run back to your little doggy master with their deepest, darkest secrets?"

(Y/N) froze, stuck somewhere between fear, dread, and ecstasy. Eren knew— somehow, he knew— and yet he continued to touch her, kiss her, caress her as though nothing were amiss. Her whole body went still with shock, but Eren never stopped even for a moment.

"Come now, you can't think I didn't know." His lips were just below her ear now, and he closed his teeth around the lobe, teasing her with the sensation. "I can smell him on the papers in your bag; I can hear the clicking of the letters as you type your memos after I've pieced you back together for an evening. Most of all, I can hear the way your heart pumps a little faster when I feed you the information you want. I can taste your guilt in the very blood I take from you. You can hide nothing from me."

"Eren," she said as fear— rancid and terrible— began crawling up the back of her throat, "Eren, please, I haven't told him about the important things, I'm trying to make a case for you—"

He pulled away then, and when his piercing green eyes locked with her own, she stilled like a sparrow caught in the gaze of a cobra.

"I don't care," he replied simply. "You are what you are, and at your core, you cannot change that. It is the same with me. I'm not afraid of my half-mutt half-brother no matter what you tell him, and as long as you want what I have to offer, there's no reason not to take it for your own."

(Y/N)'s mind was reeling.

"Half-brother?"

Eren chuckled at her confusion.

"Oh yes, pretty one. Zeke Jaeger is my older brother, and I suspect he sent you to me just to you with the both of us." With a carnivorous grin, he added, "But little does he know that I play for keeps, and you're not the good little Huntress he must assume you are— that is to say, he must have no clue at all how hungry you are for vampire cock, hm?"

(Y/N) would be lying if she hadn't pictured Eren in… less than appropriate situations, but for fuck's sake, she wasnt blind. The man— vampire, Creature, whatever— was fucking gorgeous, and he damn well knew it, but that didn't mean she was gagging for it.

Did it?

"We can't do this," she said, pushing at Eren's chest, though he didn't budge an inch. "We shouldn't do this."

Eren cracked a grin, toothy with fangs that glistened.

"Says who?" he asked, his large, strong hands coming around to grab her by the ass. "You were perfectly fine with letting me kiss and touch when you thought I was in the dark— is it no longer any fun now that you don't feel like you're taking advantage of me?"

(Y/N) couldn't take it.

"Eren, be serious—"

"I am serious."

When she looked in his eyes and reached out with her own heart, (Y/N) knew that he was telling the truth. He wanted her regardless of anything, regardless of everything.

He simply wanted her.

Could that be so bad?

***

Eren didn't think that this would happen even in his wildest dreams, but when he saw (Y/N) splayed out on his gold silk sheets, he knew it wasn't the madness that Armin accused him of lying to himself about. No mind, well and whole or not, could ever conjure up such a vision. The woman who lay before him— naked and gorgeous— was beyond imagining. She was something from another world entirely.

"What are you doing?" she asked, puzzled as Eren stood over her, watching the rise and fall of her breasts. "Come hold me."

And how lovely was that? His natural enemy, his perfect prey, asking him to come hold her, as though his skin on hers was blessed assurance that he was there and wanting.

Maybe Eren was mad— or, perhaps he was dreaming. If he was, he hoped he never came back to himself. A world without this was not a world he ever wanted to return to.

"Yes," she hissed as he crawled atop her, his mouth suckling at her breast. No other creature that walked the earth could ever taste as sweet as her— having tasted many, many before, Eren would know— but even were that to be disproved, Eren wasn't sure he would much care. This woman would be his undoing.

"Touch me," she demanded, canting her hips up to him. "I want to feel you."

How could Eren ever deny her? He brought a hand down to her sex, caressing her there before parting her folds to quest for her clit. Having found it, he drew small, teasing circles, and she whined.

"Am I still a monster to you?" he asked into the hollow of her throat, placing biting kisses there as his hand kept busy with its work. "Still something to hate and abhor?"

"You're still a monster," she replied, so startlingly honest even now, "But I never once hated you. Oh Eren, please, I want you inside me, I—"

Her wish was his command; Eren plunged two fingers into her depths, and (Y/N) gasped at the intrusion. She was so wet already, and so tempting as she squeezed down on those fingers, rocking her hips as he withdrew them just to the tip and repeated the motion. The way she felt around his digits shouldn't have turned him on as much as it did, but as Eren slid in a third finger, he had to keep himself from letting out a groan.

"You're so beautiful," he told her as she writhed beneath him. "You truly, truly are."

Distantly, Eren wondered what Jean would think if he were alive to know who was finger-fucking his great-granddaughter, but when Eren remembered the nasty right hooks the taller man used to give him when he was being a shit, he figured that he would rather not know. Still, as he watched (Y/N) come undone on the tip of his fingers, he couldn't help but think that perhaps it was something of Jean's spirit— the part that even Eren had to admit was better, kinder, more human than most— that drew him to her.

"I want you," he said, withdrawing his hands and licking his fingers clean of her juices. "Do you feel ready enough?"

And then, as though to prove his point, (Y/N) sat straight up with the cutest little Jean-like scowl he had ever seen and pushed at his chest with no small amount of force. He went with the motion, and he found himself being mounted by her as she said,

"I'm not made of glass— if you can't wrap your head around that, I'll have to show you just what I'm capable of."

She did— and how! Powerful thighs— the thighs of a Hunter— levered her up and down on his cock, squeezing him until he thought he might die from it. He thought she was never going to stop impaling herself again and again, and by the time she did eventually tire, Eren was sort of hoping she never would. He was in ecstasy with her, and like the selfish bastard he was, he wanted it to last forever.

"Such fire," he said, reaching up to press kisses into the skin just between her breasts. "You've made your point, now let me take over."

Let me take care of you.

"Yes, yes, yes," she chanted as he thrust up into her, the head of his cock buried so deeply within her that he marveled at how she didn't seem to be feeling any discomfort. "Oh fuck, right there, please don't stop—"

Eren didn't stop; he couldn't. He was beyond restraint.

"May I?" He asked, tapping the wrist that was trapped in his right hand. "I won't take much, but I want to show you something."

Delirious, drunk with lust, (Y/N) nodded, and Eren pierced her skin with a single fang, letting a drop of blood fall onto his tongue. In that moment, as they connected physically, her blood connected them spiritually, and Eren groaned as he physically felt how close she was through the link he had created.

It wouldn't be long now.

"Oh, fuck!" she cried, and Eren buried himself as deeply as he could within her as he came. "Oh, oh, oh—"

And then (Y/N) was following him, shaking and gasping as her orgasm overtook her. It seemed that the world had stopped existing for a moment, and Eren found it hard to breathe even though he had no particular need to do so at all.

In the afterglow, they clung to each other like the survivors of a shipwreck; when the world began to exist again, it felt new, and as Eren closed his eyes to sleep, he knew that this changed everything.

I must keep her, he thought as sleep overtook him. I don't know if I could feel like this ever again for anyone else.