#im also missing my old best friend
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Accountability post: today I will clean up my desk. It's a giant oak rolltop desk I inherited from my grandfather.
It is currently covered in boxes and random stuff and I really should make it a useful space and not just a catchall I tend to ignore.
Is this accountability post about people who read this or maybe it is to my ancestors, who I'm just now realizing, seem to hang around me a lot in this liminal space at the end of the year?
#im also missing my old best friend#probably the person I've mused most about family dynamics besides my partner#big changes are possible and they helped me think theough an old choice that relates#i miss feeling understood in the way they understood me#i still dont know what went wrong#but glad im not the only one who thinks they just got weird
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j need to get back into life drawing post haste
#i think im losing . construction in my art#im forgetting how to draw bodies think. idk#literlaly so annoying . its like fun when u get the hang of things but then u neglect one aspect in pursuit of another#and then have to go back and touch up that old skill to try and balance jt and theres that brief period where#eveyrthing is harmonious and then it outpaces itself again and becomes ths juggling act#overall i enjoy it . the drawing sessions but smtimes finding the will 2 get out of bed is like pulling teeth#bc i know im never going 2 walk out of there feeling satisfied but . actually idc#a lot of my pals . my friends there r a couple of decades older than me and they have the best advice tbh#randy. and donna . randy and donna and third guy whose name i forget . -> if u r satisfied at the end of a session did u rly learn anything#always want 2 improve . right right#UARHGHQHHH ill do it ill go . im scared bc i feel like it tends to artblock me#bc i start getting in my head ab what i know/see vs what i can only draw#but im sooo addicted 2 wanting to get better . i want to draw like a million people i see on here who have that great construction and#weight and anatomy and dynamism . i want to be like u . ill work to be like u ill try#and i feel like ive negelcted my basics for soo long .. i need to get ths foam shapes and a lamp . NOWWWW#yotasuke#i miss yotasuke so much.damn. thats crazy . anyways#the way he points out that yatoras dedication/hard work is a talent . like ueah . i agree w him im envious of that r u kidding me#and ytora walkimg arnd like oh u have it so easy ytsk. he needs to shut the hell up smtimes#i meed to see them eviscerate each other blood and all.#spongebob icecream truck- not that yatoras hard work isnt Also a skill but ykwim . if youve read YKWIMM#bc he was always like woe is me im soo untalented and its like no bro u r you just manifest it differently . that natural drive is a talent#but that natural drive also takes skill to foster and nurture else it has no purpose .#no i cant be blp posting in the tags bye
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and when i live on my own ill be able to decorate like real life decorate ive never gotten to do that in real life b4
#like im not barred from doing it Nd i do like. a little bit kind of but its like. Idk my entire life is a very transient thing and im rly#rly rly not used to being in one place for a long time so as a kid we never rly decorated ever#and like obv i wont be Owning a house or anything like that so itll still have to be moveable but i can like. but furniture that i like and#stuff... ive never gotten to do that b4 even in um. wa. i didnt rly get to do any of the decorating even when i was in the actual house bc#him and the roommates umm. did all that. Okay well now ive sort of freaked it by making myself think of that so im going to go stare#longingly at the floorplan i did#bc umm. well ideally id like to move into one of the apartments thats right across the way bc theres a couple of apt buildings like right#there 5 min walk tops and one of the places Has an open one but no floorplan#i wont be movjng out for ages i just wanted to look at floorplans yk#but like i said no floorplans BUT theres one a bit further away not rly walkable bc its umm#youd have to walk on the interstate and stuff and um. no sidewalk and everything but theeeeeeeeee thing had a floorplan#still very close by like 2 min drive but yk. but i still did my little mockup floorplan with that apartment instead#i want it to be closeby so everybody can come visit and so that i dont die and explode . i dont rly want to continue living in this town#4ever once km like Normal and have savings and ive got everything worked out i wanna maybe move to chicago or something since il is better#for the transgenderisms. + ive always wanted to try living in a big city at least once and i think itd be awesome#but thats Ages and ages away like maybe 5 years depending on how good i am. weeee will see if 5 years in the future is like on the table 4#me LOLLLL 24 year old connor seems rly crazy to imagine. but anyways....#but itll be nice to move out and still be in town bc then i can have the same job yk . and maybe ill know how to drive atp and i can like .#buy a car ..or something . if i do know how to drive#which i probably should since this town very car dependent and i dont want my mom to have to drive me to work esp if umm. i dont live with#them ... im just rly rly rly rly rly fucking scared of driving but i know also in my heart that when i do know how to drive the bond between#me and that car will be crazyyyy like. idk how many of you followed me last year but you may remember my insane bond with angel my cart from#work and there was a lot gokng on woth that <- was Very delusional at the time and i was convinced that she was a sentient thing and had the#power to make my life better or worse if i upset her so i said good morning and goodnight to her every single day so that i could have a#good day . looking back on it probably was something to be concerned abt but whatever.... she is still my best friend and i do miss her#deeply#her bathtub and heater were my besttt friends when i was in wa LOL. i was quite unwell#bathtub is still in my room tho yayyy. heater lives with lamp now and angel is of course at my old job....#bathtub currently is holding a project i gave up on. everyone say thank.you bathtub im looking at her right now
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[Image description: A digitally drawn animated GIF of a cute brown Highland cow with a cupcake on a plate with a candle in it at their feet. The animation is jittery, giving the appearance of the cow's ears moving up and down. Green cursive text surrounding the cow reads "Happy Birthday Eli from Matt & Chris". End description.]
Had a bit of a rough night emotionally last night but then I woke up to this from my best friend (and her best boy, who drew this!) and now all is right in the world 💙💙💙
#Eli Speaks#Art#cows#animals#Best Friend Tag#idk how i never had that before lol#but its so cute wtf#i love this boy#and my girl 💙💙#miss them a lot#but hopefully ill be seeing them in a few months!#my bday gift from them also arrived this morning it was perfect timing#they got me the little sprinke hanger plush and ashton plush theyre v cute#just a day of cute things!#27 will be a cute year for me im speaking it into existence#(also i may or may not have had to think about how old i am for a sec there lmao)
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curled up by the fire, tail waggin
#long day puppies in my phone long day#so so tired i dont have class tmr cos lecture not there so i get to sleep in yay but i wake up early anyways woah just dont Have to be up#going to try meet a friend because i feel like i havent seen anyon outside of college in months even tho its been 2 weeks#this old friend if mine kinda lowkey ditched me when he got a bucnh of new friends like 2 yesrs ago and hes been reaching out a lot to try#hangout and like hm im hurt abiut how he dropped me and he like genrally wasnt a great friend anyways:/ but i feel bad being kike i cant#hang but i also amnt even lyin genuinely cant hang i havent seen my best friend in so long i only see college and my home and therapist once#but also like ugh i dont like this guy i need him to not be beggin me to hang he could be reslly mean like too often but he was nice ..ugh#i wish there was a chill bot harsh way to cut domeone out like i dont hate u i just dont love u soz#and i love my friends so so deeply like i only have time for my besties who i would est whole if i could pike the way people talk about#their blorbo from my shows is how i feel talking about my friends like i want to squish them and poke em n kiss em their my little loves#so if i dont even like someone idk like i dont have time for people j dont love or who dont give a shit about me#hashtag being autistic and my 3 close friends are all also auttistic genuinly the 3 of them got diagnosed in the past 4 yesrs..dominos#i miss my friends wailing college too busy i miss my babies#n i feel really bad for not wanting to hang with this guy who litersllybdidnt care if i lived or died like a year ago#but now is all about me strangely#anyways hm will possible rant more ive had such a long day and nowmim currles on pillows in a bjg hoodie and its so good
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Hey, this is Taylor from a few years back. Sorry for the ask. I haven't used this app in a few years and forgot how to message lol. I was looking through my old account and saw yours was still up and running, and I just wanted to tell you thank you for the time you were my friend and how patient you were with me. You were a great friend and an even better influence. Hope you're doing good!
This was such a wonderful surprise... I have so many words and yet none at all. Thank you for being my friend, too, and for the kindness you showed me. I hope the future has treated you kindly 🥹🫶🏾
#and now a word from us kids#first of all if you dont know how to use chat its not ur fault its bc tumblr updated and changed 90 times in the last 3 yrs like WHO ASKRD#FOR ANY OF THISSSS#since the great tiddy ban of 2018 we have just gone farther and farther downhill yall 😒 tumblr never shld have tried to appeal to the ads#and its not like it even worked bc The ads we DO get are like facebook video level LIKE PLZ ABEG 😭#anyways i want you to know that when i finally read this ask (like forever late) i was travelling with my sister in TX mind you! and i#literally stopped walking on the sidewalk in 100 degree weather she was so mad at me but i was literally floored#i will never be able to express how much being your friend was healing to me too. and i missed you. and life is crazy#idk if you ever saw that one post on tiktok that went viral and it was an old lady and her best friend had “we were girls together” on#her tombstone like... i think about that all the time. something so beautiful about youth and IM YOUNGG WE R YOUNGGG but still.#thank you for being my friend and thank you for finding me again and i dont even know what words to say! but this was incredibly sweet#and i sat on it for 2 weeks bc i didnt know what to day and i still dont. but i hope you still remember how to read tags 😩😩#a part of me wanted to figure out how to answer this privately but also a part of me wanted this to be tangible somewhere so i apologize at#the end of the day i am still a tumblrina immortalizing things on my blog 🥹🩷#my sunshine#🩷🩷🩷
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Matty's mare!!!! I love her, I love the update, it's so good 💚💚
Ahhh thank you so much for not only taking the time to read the new chapter of All the King's Horses but to also send me this ask!! I'm so happy to hear that you enjoyed the update (I'm sorry it was late!!) and that you like Fictional!Matty's mare! I'm so excited about Sally the horse, and I was grinning so much as I wrote about her because Fictional!Matty loves her *so much* which as someone who is *also* absolutely obsessed with their horse, I relate to on a very personal level. Not to be dramatic but Pop (my gelding) is my entire world, literally sometimes I will just start crying because I love him so much and I don't know how I got lucky enough to be his person. My Fictional!Matty feels the same way about Sally (which is also an interesting position for him to be in- he's a professional he's not supposed to get attached to horses like this...) Thank you so much for giving my very niche AU a chance! I hope you continue to enjoy how the story unfolds! I hope your Sunday is going wonderfully and that you have a great rest of the week!
❤️Ally
#allylikethecat#ask ally#anon ask#fanfiction#keep it kind#matty fic#gatty#fanfic#All the King's Horses#Equestrian AU#my only regret / the only thing that makes me sad about Pop is that i didn't meet him til he was 11#and i didn't buy him til he was 12#and i feel like i missed out on so many years with him#he's 17 this year which rationally i know isnt very old#and he gets the best care possible and also has basically dropped down to only jumping 2ft6 and under so that he'll last longer#but like if anything happens to him i dont think i'll take it well#all my friends that had horses born the same year as him#lost them in freak accidents the last year#none of which were at my barn thankfully#but it just really freaks me out#anyway fictional!Matty loves sally so much#and im so excited to share more of them#and also things with fictional!george are defrosting 👀#thank you for reading!!
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#personal#i miss having a best friend like it sounds so pathetic but there’s no other way to put it… i miss having someone to share an earbud w on the#bus and to go driving around town and picking up fast food w and someone to invite over to hang out and play video games and make art w and#spend the night and honestly just text back and forth w without restraint…#i literally have no one to hang out w for the whole summer like 😭 there’s my one roommate i’d feel comfortable w hanging out w one on one#but she’s in another state wrdhdjf and the other one lives really close to me and i love her too but our conversations without the other#roommate can feel so stilted sometimes 🙈#im sure i’ll meet up w her at some point this summer but i want to give it some time so i’ll actually have things to talk abt LOL#then there’s my old best friend who if i reached out to her im sure she’d find the time to hang out but she also hasn’t really reached out#to me since like november and there was like a solid three months where i would send her posts that reminded me of her and she never replied#to me so. i don’t know#we did end up running into each other on campus before spring break and she offered me a ride without prompting and we listened to into the#woods the way home and sang along and it was FUN it was good and we decided we should try to get back into the swing of things but then we.#did not so. yeah i don’t know! was it bc finals took over our lives or bc we really have moved onto separate paths who knows. anyway
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hello fellow girls still playing animal crossing: new leaf
#honestly it's the best ac game#i really didnt think we'd get another bc this was just Tops#controversial but i really dont like acnh that much.. i like it bc it's ac but it's missing so much life#except in the sound design wowee!! i hate the soundtrack with a fiery passion but those footsteps and wind go HARD#i also think crafting and things breaking etc.. save it for minecraft.#ANYWAY#i started a new nl save and im so full of joy and wonder#i forgot how good this game is but my hands never forgot how to play 🥹🥹#final ac thought as excited as i was that ac got popular bc i spent my childhood w no friends to play online w the amt of people i see#misunderstand game mechanics and not even look to Ye Olde Forums to figure them out makes me wanna gatekeep SO BAD#“i rebuilt every villager's house in my own to calculate their hha score” did you know you can actually calculate it yourself and that#people on forums have already calculated the feng shui point plus the individual point values of each item already#please.. please .#animal crossing#acnl#lessons of the hand and the mouth#WAIT ONE MORE THING. acnh has incredible lightning. ok thank you
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Because the week wasn't sad enough, there had to be a new Lenny interview that broke my heart a lot more. 🥺😭🥲
youtube
#the whole part about vova and olena NO I AM NOT OKAY 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#it breaks my heart so much that besides irina olena hasn't been able to see any of her friends/second fam#vova at least saw sasha and zheka#and how you can hear the tears in lennys voice while she talks about vova and olena 😭😭😭#how heavy and broken her heart is for their family 😭😭😭#THAT PART ABOUT HUGGING HIM FOREVER WHEN SHE SEES THEM AGAIN 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#NOT LETTING THEM GO 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#and how she says she misses her old life/past and sometimes watches the video and cries 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔#and we have a new statement about kvartal#now its “im gone forever” again 🥺🥺🥺🥺💔💔💔💔#shes in touch with the fam rarely but she is#she left in fall 2022 because she started the other project and couldn't do both at the same time#also she wanted to do something independently#the fam was okay with her decision#and she doesnt plan to return 🥺💔🥺💔🥺💔🥺💔🥺💔#i still have the hope that in some years after the war and she healed she might rethink her decision and does come back#based on this and other interviews i think on of the reasons she left was the war and the situation with her best friends#she thinks about vova and olena every day 😭💔😭💔😭💔😭💔😭💔😭💔😭💔😭💔#and how sad olena is that she no longer knows anything about the children 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#one more thing about her not returning#i think the way she said it is interesting#its no longer a break#so my guess is it really was a break in the beginning and she thought about coming back (see also what zheka said about it)#but now changed her mind 🥺💔#im still not over the part that she thinks about them every day#lenny is worried about them every day 😭😭😭#and she cant even imagine the burden and pressure and horror that is on their family 💔💔💔#also the hugging them both and not letting them go hugging forever 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
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so i've seen the sara mini episode.
#i will. be putting spoilers in tags so beware 👍#so many thoughts i’m AAAA#the implication that if sara hadn’t introduced ryoko to joe that he’d still be alive????#ryoko’s whole ‘sara... joe… i’ll see you tomorrow right?’ or however she worded it.#shut UP#SARAS DAD MAKING HER FIGHT HIM TO LEAVE?????#the man only gets more insane the more we learn okay#AND RYOKOS SO PRETTY????#gah sara and joe just being best friends my heart literally feels like it could tear in two good Bye#i def have more to say abt it but i am tired rn#LMAO ALSO ‘sexy lady’ just made me think of the sexy onee chan from the vivid old tale pj/sk event#i miss them so much yt/td hyperfix come back to me please#i went from it being one of my main fandoms to not really anymore i’m sorry to the ppl who followed me for it#i had it super associated w someone who isn’t in my life anymore but i don’t think of it that way anymore so!! hopefully i’ll be back more#esp when the last part drops :)#POINT BEING I MISS THEM AND I LOVE THEM AND IM VERY SAD#ALSO I MISSED SARAS INSANE POTENTIAL RESPONSES SO MUCH#the girl of all time she’s so beloved to me
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.
#i ordered a long coat yesterday#partly it is because i wanted one for spring and to look dramatic af#but mostly its because my best friends are visiting me in two weeks and we will go to london for a day and they theyll come to mine#and i couldnt let the opportunity to pass#cause 14 year old me would die if i was in london with the friends i already was close with at that time#and i would be casually walking around london with them while wearing a dramatic sherlock like coat#if that coast doesnt fit right ill go to one of the physical vintage shops to find one that works#this is for the depressed teen me who was obsessed with one direction and sherlock#the same friends and the city that always was a dream that i wasnt allowed to have#its going to be so good im so fucking excited and i haven't seen my friends for half a year already so i miss them so much#and then we come back to Brighton and ill show them few toursity bits and then well just hang out by the sea for a day or two#i am also getting a haircut next week at my trusted queer barber so imma look noice and then feel even noicer cause friends ❤#personal
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They are dumb your honor
#THE DUMBEST#trevon diggs#micah parsons#dallas cowboys#context: trevon won at jenga. JENGA. He is being cocky for being better at pulling out some blocks i hate him sm#also this series is very fun because you have micah all sore loser and trying his best and LITERALLY CALLING HIS FRIENDS FOR SUPPORT#while trevon is just having the time of his life making fun of him#what a duo#trevon#micah#7/11#offseason is boring and yes i have 2356283 other sports to watch but i miss my boys#so im rewatching old videos#i refuse to gif tho#im too bad at it
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it's been such a stressful few weeks getting stuff together for my disability appeal that I've given up in some senses and feel braver
#also my old best friend messaged me again for the first time in a while.and i missed her a lot#im feeling Weird today
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thank GODDD the doctor is taking time to work on himself maybe now he can stop ruining womens lives .
#mildly joke but im so excited those specials were so fun...#we watched all the 14th dr specials bc Major donna fan ohh my god they were fun i liked them....#i worry im like. being unfair somehow. but i loved like..some of the things with 13 i just likee. the writing it was..off to me... sigh. i#rly wish her seasons had better writers i suppose. BUT. im excited bc my mom told me 15s run is super good so far#i cant believe im almost caught up wndr who. a crazy world i live in. i suppose next me and my mom will have to huddle around an old timey#radio like max n ruby to listen to the audio dramas#and then wencan read bedtime stories to eachother or something#Or of course i could just track down the old series. KDNFJFN. but the computer always its a commodity...#but ya. those were funn i rly liked the like. 2 of them had a bit of body horror like. mild babys first body horror. but i liked it. and#they were funnyyy god i missed donna so bad the show is SO funny with her there. the chemistry w her and 10nis just chefs kiss. loves it#i feel bad bc i liked the like. Suggested personalities of the last companions but they felt kind of lackluster in practice ? like..it felt#like we were told how they were but in practice they kind of just. were there. and then would react to the dr. and then were judt there#idk... i wish they had been more like. fleshed out one supposes#it rly to me feels like they spent 13s seasons kind of just farting around and then covid hit and they were like Fuck now we have to like.#avtually write a plot#flux was like. i think you can do a storyline w like. a bunch of different plotlines that all ties up but it was confusing#😭😭 it ws like. ig rhe most engaged i was w/ 13 but thats just bc stuff was being thrown at me constantly...#but ya. its rly nice to see donna again after having a bunch of companions who just didnt feel like they got their time to shine. in my eyes#bc donna feels so well written and real and like. believable to me. like it feels like shes an active member instead of like. just standing#around and then having her alloted 4 minute emotional conversation before jumping back into action. yk#also i literally said as soon as the bigeneration happens Oh rhis is good 14 can judt go be a weird uncle. ajd then he literally did#so funny tho that rose and donna get their own tennant doctors and then my best friend martha is just chopped liver ig.#good for her tho. that man needs to stay away from her (joke)#but ya. YAY. intrigued by nailpolish woman its also fun bc weve gotten to the point where my mom has only watched the episodes once#so she knows less and its more fresh for her#which is rly fun. im a little worried about umm. when were fully caught up#bc i believe my mom and dad watch the eps together#and like. yk. much love to my dad but like. idk me and my mom have a specific sort of banter when we watch and like. he sits in sometimes#and i tend to just go silent 😭😭😭#its like. not a conscious thing i just. yk. i have trouble being Relaxed when theyre in the same room together
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The heart wants toxic yuri and drunk calls and drunken confessions but the mind tells me to be a responsible adult living in the real world with a 9-5 😐
#why is this world so boring why can't i be an immortal witch who dies every night in the battlefield only to be cleaned up and resurrected#in secrecy from my gf who hates fighting but only to be found out to her horror and be cleaned and picked up by my gf every night#why can't healing magic exist in the form of girls kissing why can't i be puking flowers if im puking anyway#like healing and doing better is great but god is it boring lmao#i kinda miss how dramatic my first unofficial heartbreak was.. like that was bad for my health but very interesting for the plot#now instead i journal and play an instrument and don't talk to ppl abt how i feel and work a stable job and hang out with my friends#WHICH ARE NORMAL PEOPLE ACTIVITIES and i think it's good to be being a normal person rn but i haven't had a like. big dramatic cry yet.#i cried before the break up but i haven't really had a big sob or anything after it and part of me misses feeling the range of emotions#like i was angstier when i was 15 this experience has been so calm and muted it even surprises me i feel like i should feel more hurt abt it#alas i missed my best chance to like actually act heartbroken. like if i do anything now it's kinda gonna be more for the experience and bit#god it's the theatre kid in me lmao i just. i want to experience what it's like crying and calling drunk walking home in your friend's arms#but ig if ur w ur friends they wouldn't let u call ur ex? so ig walking home alone at night drunk and crying!#but that feels unsafe. so maybe just. drunk alone at home? but that also feels like a liability#what do u even say on the call? im drunk can u pick me up pls? 💀💀💀 i don't think that's gonna work.#ok god i need to stop thinking abt this lmao im gonna be tempted to do it for fun but aaa self control self control#think instead abt the independent project u have. and ur diagnostic score. and the fact that u already broke ur favorite shirt.#where do ppl get interesting lives. the older i get the more my life has settled down into some stable npc life which i do like. but still.#can't help but realize i live in a very different world than most ppl. my coworker constantly asks me how old i really am.
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