#im almost ashamed to tag this but im also not LOL

[konohamaru-sensei]

one thing you need to know about me is that I contain multitudes

[guiltiestlove]

getting freaky w blackquill in his cell when he was a convict would go crazy tbh

(also hiii hiii 👋💕 nice to see another Simon simp, have a nice day ✌️)

Surely going to check up on Prosecutor Blackquill in his cell at night is strictly business for the Chief Prosecutor’s assistant! Just part of the job of course!

Simon Blackquill x gender neutral reader, ~1101 words

N/SFW, mdni!!

cws/tags: smut of course, reader with vagina, fingering, semi-public sex(?), little bit hurt/comfort, honestly nothing too spicy or exciting im getting back into the rhythm of things lol!

notes: thank u soooo much anon, i was so excited to get a request like immediately after making this blog!! i got carried away and wrote even more for this prompt so i may make it into a full one shot fic or even just make a part 2!!

“I did not realize I was such a threat that they would make you come check on me even after hours.”

Simon sits on his bed facing you, head tilting downwards with a slight smirk on his face.

You rest your head against the bars subconsciously wanting to close any distance between the two of you.

You chuckle, “Actually, I’m not here on official orders.” He looks up, expression unchanging, but eyes catching yours. “And no one made me come down here.”

A mix between intrigue and amusement spreads across the man’s face as he stands up. The blush creeping up on your face betrays you slightly, but you steel your nerves for whatever response you might get. You pull out the cell’s key from your pocket. “I, uh, thought you might want to hang out.”

A puzzled, almost scared look was all that was discernible on Simon’s face now. “…Are you trying to break me out, because I assure you, on my honor, I have no intenti—“

“Simon” you sigh, “I’m not trying to get you out, I-I’m trying to get me in!.. You know.. I missed you.” You could have played it smoother considering you had seen him roughly six hours earlier, but he doesn’t even seem to notice.

He relaxes, realizing you weren’t attempting a jailbreak, and the implication of what was happening hits him much harder. “O-oh. Good heavens..” he mumbles under his breath trying to hide from you—his face now a gorgeous shade of pink.

In two large strides he’s at the cell door face to face with you, gripping onto the bars. “Why? There is no reason to risk your career when we can… talk perfectly well in this manner.” He’s searching for something in your face. His words come out angrily but his face says something else entirely. As you wrap your hand around his, he winces slightly. But he doesn’t pull back.

”Simon, you know that won’t work on me. If you want me to, I can leave of course! But I don’t feel ashamed or scared to be here right now.” You trail off at the end, worried you’ve been too presumptuous.

He reaches through to caress your chin, “Perhaps you should be concerned, sweetheart.” A pronounced shiver runs down your spine. “Even if we were simply talking, I do not expect people to take kindly to the idea of Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth’s assistant fraternizing with the cursed death-row convict… alone in his cell.”

Surprised but pleased, you lean into his touch. “You and I both know no one patrols at this time Simon,” you say earnestly. ”…Please…tell me I haven’t been imagining things. Tell me you want this too.”

His eyes seem to be glistening with tears as he turns away completely from the cell door. Several moments pass before he answers. “I do as well…but I can’t let another soul get caught in this whirlwind of destruction.”

You defiantly insert the key into the lock and turn it. *click* And you gently open the heavy oppressive door.

“But that’s my decision, Simon. And some things are worth the risk… ” You step forward slightly and stop—a message that you’ll gladly step back into the hall, if he wishes.

In an instant his large frame has you pinned to the cinderblock wall, one hand supporting your head and one hand on your back. You feel a bit tangled up in his arms and shackles, but mostly you just feel safe. Strands of his hair brush against you as he buries his face into your neck. You feel his breath against your skin, “For myself, I had long given up hope.”

You’re pretty sure you feel a tear on your shoulder, and you prompt him to look at you. “Simon…” Looking directly into his eyes like this; you’re not sure if you’ve ever seen someone so haunted, so conflicted. He softens even more when you grab his face in your hands, caressing his lips with your thumb. “Don’t you know you deserve to be protected too?”

Simon pulls your body in with a sudden force that makes you gasp—in an instant he’s not just kissing you, it feels like he’s going to consume you. “Ah—a—Simon..” is all you can sputter out in between gasping for air.

He wastes no time tilting your head back and peppering firm kisses up and down both sides of your neck. As you drag your hands down his chest and torso, you can’t believe just how muscular he is—and let out a moan at the thought. And just when you think he didn’t notice, you hear, “Go ahead. Unbutton my shirt if that’s what you want so badly.”

You don’t at all want to resist, so you attempt to carefully untie Simon’s tie with shaking fingers before he snatches it and his shirt off. “I’m feeling rather impatient,” he quips.

“Well, if we’re being honest…” You kiss him slowly this time, but still loud and messy. Slowly, you guide his hand down your torso and towards the bottom of your dress. You pause to see his reaction, but he is no longer waiting for your guidance—he’s gathering up the fabric himself. When he realizes you didn’t wear any underwear, you swear you can feel his cock twitch against you.

The tone and rumble of his voice like this are new but so welcome as his lips brush against your ear.

“May I, darling?”

”Simon I swear to god if you don’t touch me right now I—aaannhhggh” Simon chuckles at how easy it is to make you melt and rubs gentle circles around your clit.

He smoothly slides one finger inside of you. “So this is why you were so eager?” Though you’re embarrassed that you can only answer in whimpers, he finds it endearing. And in hopes of eliciting more, he pushes another finger inside, with his thumb still on your clit. Your fingers have made their way into his hair, grabbing fistfuls, and neither of you can form a single coherent thought. The sensations of Simon’s weight against you, his strong fingers inside of you, and whispers of how gorgeous you are all blend together harmoniously.

”Fuck, fuck, Simon, gonna come..” you mutter, and his fingers are dragged out of you agonizingly slowly. Your eyes focus on him for a moment. His face flushed, lips puffy. He raises his fingers to his lips and hungrily licks off every drop. “God, you taste even better than I imagined, sweetheart. Do you even know what you do to me?”

“Show me, show me what I do to you. Please.”

A devilish grin spreads across Simon’s face.

[jyndor]

im the anon you told to fuck off here to say thank you.

i had read about terrorist organizations using that slogan and i had a gut reaction. im a jew and i fear for both muslims and jews with everything that is going on right now. because i read what you wrote and i researched again and i see where propaganda got the better of me (even if those words have been used by terrorists). and i see time and time again where propaganda gets the better of most of us on something as fast paced as the internet.

as i read i remembered. the naz*s took a symbol that was once peaceful and turned it into something the world cannot look at the same way ever again-entirely their fault not the fault of the original culture from which the symbol came.

i dont want to see that happen with words that are truly important and stand for something i do believe in which to be clear: is a free and peaceful palestine where no one has to live in fear.

in saying what i did based off of a gut reaction i made a mistake. i did the same thing i hate from others on the internet which is speaking on an issue before doing further research and i am ashamed of that.

but i am also committed to learning and doing better tomorrow. no one can become an expert in any part of this as quickly as plenty have claimed to. im writing this to share my perspective and as a reminder of fallibility for whatever that is worth.

i think its important for ensuring we dont become what we wish to stand against.

thanks again for sharing your research. you told me to fuck off but ill sign off by wishing you well

anon I'm shook no okay so hold! on the fucking off pls do not fuck off I recant the fucking off. its how I handle anons (I'll explain later) until yall prove you're not trolling or bots or whatever.

it's worth a LOT. like really it's worth a lot. Unfuck off, I would love more people in my orbit who don't just critically engage with criticism but also go on to look into it for themselves. instead of just taking my or someone else's word for it. I try to do that myself because I can be such a fucknugget and sometimes need a good smack lol.

I just want to say I'm sorry that you're experiencing the fear you're experiencing. and um I have jewish cousins and family who I am scared for always, I try not to bring them up bc it feels kind of gross in this context but yeah, I don't want to invalidate your fears.

I mean what the n*zis did with that symbol is a whole other thing and I don't feel like I should speak on it other than to say fuck n*zis they ruin everything they touch. I liken this more to the way that black lives matter gets misconstrued because I know more about the history of that phrase than I do about that symbol you're talking about. I also don't like to bring up n*zism in the context of israel/palestine because actually almost every time I have seen that comparison with israel, it is a cheap shot at jewish people. Like in a youtube comments section or something, not thoughtful discourse - because tbh these are very, very different situations and the comparisons could be made of almost any other genocide, but like the commenter knows it's a painful thing for jewish people and so like I said, it's a cheap shot that's easy to take and says more about them than it does about palestinian liberation or israeli apartheid.

I know plenty of anti-zionist jewish people do actually talk about the shoah in the context of why they support palestinian rights but for me it just doesn't feel right.

and yeah i understand falling for shit - I've done it, it's easy as hell to read something and feel like it's right, like yeah I personally don't actually say from the river to the sea all that often, you won't find it as a tag on my blog because I think it's best coming from palestinians?

you're totally right - no one can possibly learn the history quickly. It's taken me 16 years to feel like I am actually relatively well versed in the history and I'm not even well versed, I'm just decently versed lol. and if you add into it the propaganda that we've all been told for years, and then the added generational trauma you have? of course it's hard to fight gut reactions because often they're somewhat based in experiences we've had or others have had.

the reason I told you as an anon to fuck off is because of my history and views towards anonymous asks more than anything else, btw. THAT is a gut reaction but it is also informed by my experiences. I hope this maybe explains why I may sometimes come off a little harsh towards anons (and why I decided to turn them off - until rebelcaptain secret santa forced me to open them back up lol).

so I used to love to keep anonymous on because I know that a lot of people don't feel comfortable reaching out for a number of reasons and I wanted to remain accessible as a user of this shithole site lol. however what happens is sometimes, a lot of times, people will just be saying anything. and then they'll say "I'm an x person and y is true" and often people getting those anons will be really well-meaning and just accept it at face value. because genuinely so many people want to be on the side of marginalized groups and want to be good allies. and so shitty people will just be saying bullshit about whatever, and people who may not understand the details of whatever situation anon is talking about will say, "oh shit I didn't realize that! Thanks for educating me!"

and often it is legit! and it's also important to remember that no group is monolithic, so if an anon comes into my ask box saying that they are from, idk let's say, venezuela. i don't know a whole lot about venezuela. I know there is a lot of propaganda and shit from the us, and I know that there are class dynamics and racial dynamics that I vaguely understand because I have a relatively okay understanding of the entire region but it's not good enough to hold up more than a little bit under any kind of actual pressure like being told something by someone who claims to be venezuelan and says that everyone is actually indigenous (which i do understand to be indigenous erasure), and so it would be more comfortable for me to just say, "okay thanks for the info, my bad!" etc etc etc which... okay but like what if they're not venezuelan? what if they are and they're actually just anti-indigenous? what if they're a right-winger or a bot or idk just wrong lol. some people can be just incorrect without it being disinformation, right? so if I post that without any pushback or skepticism, I'm now spreading misinformation that is used to harm indigenous people.

so for me, because anons necessarily get to hide their identities more than even these already relatively anonymous social media accounts do, my policy has always been to handle them with skepticism and frankly to assume the worst.

not everyone does that and also like I don't have a big following but I don't have a TINY following either so I do feel some responsibility to provide accurate information. and that's just from years of experience and not always doing that lol.

anyway sorry for being long-winded, and thank you for reading what I wrote and more importantly for not just taking what I said at face value but for doing the research yourself. that's what is most important.

[raid3r-r4bbit]

@fuzzydreamin thanks for the lol. ive been a little busy with life so sorry for the late response.

Favorite Color:

Green. Like Blindingly Neon almost yellow bile/acid toxic hazmat pukey green. Also black. I'm also a fan of earthy tones, warm greys and browns, rusty orangey reds, and i also unironically love that "some smoker lived here for 5+ years but i swear the walls are white" sepia color.

Last song:

Either Childish Flamingo or 1x1. I've been hopping in between really screamy and just goofy shit atm because i cant focus with anything else. 🤷 But (I also jsut got a new BMTH hoodie) BMTH's post human album has been feeding me. It's a really good (visual? no.) example of that like just angry and over it nihilist feeling and I just *MUNCH CRUNCH AAAA* like i feel like it could be just the tiniest bit angrier and louder but i think that's my headphones.

as for childish flamingo, its like that miseryxcpr thing imo. It's goofy and funny and it slaps. and it's so catchy. it's like right on the edge of aha funny and fuck you street and i love it. i hope any of that makes sense im sorry lol.

Last movie:

the Demon Slayer movie. I skipped all the way to the end to see the fight between Akaza and Rengoku because they're two of my favs ( in order from that show: Uzui (my mom calls yuzu (my cat) Uzui and its adorable) Akaza and Rengoku. I Found out the english dub is out (im way behind) and just needed to hear their english voice acting. all of it is amazing and Akaza's lil gigles during the fight make me incredibly happy. Guys who laugh/giggle mid combat? Ugh >\\x//<

Currently Watching:

Demon Slayer, Chainsaw man, Tokyo ghoul (im rewatching a bunch of animes) Steven universe. (i love all of these and full recommend them. I literally just yesterday(or the day before idk time is a blur) got a new funko pop, it's the half-kakuja kaneki and i love it.)

Other stuff i've watched this year:

Spy x Family, the Junji ito Collection, Yamishibai (if you like picture style art and horror this is great, its somewhat junji ito like, but shorter stories and ngl the zanbai ep scared me a bit) psychpass (some reccomended this to me cause im (obviously) a fan of darker more gruesome shows, and it is very dystopian, love the art work, but i just dont get it.) Given (if you havent watched this show please watch it its amazing) Yuri on ice, Banana Fish (also another fave)

(I work from home, and pretty much exist at my computer, and need to keep on music or tv to keep the bad thoughts out, so i have a lot of time and opportunity to watch stuff ok)

Shows I dropped this week:

Psycho pass. again, i just couldnt get into it. I know a lot of people seem to really like and it full seems like a show that would be up my alley. that first ep was kind of a lot though. I'm not ashamed to admit i love shows that are unafraid to show nudity and violence but the two together (ifykyk) make me uncomfortable. If this case had been a little further in the show i think it would have been fine, but it's litterally the first like ten minutes of the show. I also tried watching this a few week ago while at wasteland but we were pretty much just out the door.

Devil May Cry. I still love the games and the characters, and i remember loving the anime as a kid but its just... so different from the games lmao.

Currently Reading:

random internet stuff, fics and shit. I feel bad because i used to go to the library all the time but at the same time, i dont really have the room to store a whole bunch of books and despite being super dyslexic, i read insanely fast, so renting/buying books isnt worth it to me. (i've read entire full length series in the span of a day or two, while doing other stuff. I need longer, more conveniently packaged novels and that typically comes in the form of fanfiction. )

tagging: @snowmutant @ivanpahdrylakeracer @glaochormfitheach(idk if ur cool tagging you in this kinda stuff, if not just lmk i though it'd be fun :D) @the-soup-witch(im dragging you into tumblr culture whether you like it or not, welcome to tagging games)

[ponykidcurtis]

Fanfic Origin Story

tagged by @bigfootsmom im in love w u

What was your first fandom (reading and/or writing)?

technically the first fic i ever read was hetalia but i didn’t know it at the time and have never been interested in hetalia otherwise? but it’s funny to say lmao anyway official first fandom i read for according to ao3 history was PJO, and the first i wrote for was voltron

What was the first story you ever wrote (even if it was never posted) and what made you decide to write it?

see above: first fic i wrote was for voltron. i’d never tried writing fic before but i impulsively joined a gift exchange and then i had to make something happen so it did!! it sucks, i hate it now, but it’s still on ao3 bc i refuse to delete it

What’s a piece of advice you would give to your younger fic-writing self?

your fics are for you, so write whatever you want and don’t be afraid to get weird with it

What’s an early fandom interaction that stuck with you (be it a nice comment, a friend you made, a fic that got a lot of feedback etc.)?

ohh in my brief stint in the young justice fandom, i met one of my very good friends @sh1tb0i and then i kept him and it’s been like. 5 years? so i’d say that stuck w me lol

also @renecdote is from my yj days too and then i coerced her into watching 911 so ur welcome everybody

Post a sentence or two from one of your older fics, and a sentence or two from a newer one (if you want).

shaking and crying but here’s a few lines from my first ever fic

“I don't want to tell them,” was all Lance answered, as he flopped against the other arm of the couch. He pulled the blanket with him, but Keith didn't reach for it back. Their hot chocolate was growing cold on the table between them, and the movie played on.

“Why not?” Keith pressed, fighting to keep the frustration out of his voice. “Are you ashamed of me? Of us? Is that it? I've heard you on the phone, avoiding the topic or calling me a friend, a roommate—”

“It’s not that,” Lance assured him.

vs the latest fic i posted

Buck doesn’t know how to move anymore. His muscles are cramping, everything swollen and aching and so, so dry. A thin, breathy whine slips past his teeth.

Something is prickling over his skin. A thousand ants, tiny bodies shifting between the hair on his arms, stiff with salt. Something else is biting him, teeth digging deep into his shoulder blade. He shivers, which doesn’t make sense. He wants out of this oven now. He’s forgetting how to breathe.

“Buck!” That voice calls again. Can that voice help him? Maybe they can turn the heat down. “Buck, where are you?”

like my prose back then wasn’t terrible ig? but that was almost 5 yrs ago and they’re waaay out of character and the plotline is vague lmao but my writing NOW is so tasty i’m in love with myself

anyway i’ll tag @sh1tb0i bc i called him out already, @renecdote @nymika-arts @yikesbuckley @lovebuck and @calnovas

[nightwatch-ithaqua]

yeah, i figured as much, wasnt expecting anything else. works better for me if anything, i dont really like making new friends under any circumstances, so i wasnt planning on that to begin with. im not expecting you to trust me in any way either, im a stranger on the internet lol..

i hold a lot of pride in myself in many different ways, which sometimes is nice i guess because it makes me take a strong interest in people with shared sources because, again, lots of pride in myself and my source.. it can be a problem a lot when i feel like my identity is being threatened, which is why i tend to not like insys doubles. feels like our brain is trying to copypaste me even if theyre completely different in every way XP..

ive only met one other ithaqua (well.. i guess 2 now, if this counts..? or 3, if our friend being an ocassional irl also counts.) and its.. also a morningstar, funnily enough. were pretty similar, because it split off of me, but still plenty different, at least according to the two of us. although we do prefer to stick together, i think the only time weve been separate was when i left front but someone had to stay to watch andrew, and helel was the only other person around. i could talk about the two of us for a while honestly, but ill leave that for another ask since i prefer to not let these get too long and i have something else to talk about here.

one thing i recall is that the first time i saw your blog in tags, you mentioned you dont have pigtails, which i think is neat because i do! and i actually find it really hard to find any art or general representations of me with them.. so are we just having the opposite problem lol..? id love to switch if thats the case /j .. but seriously i find this in particular a bit interesting. i never even knew my brother existed before the whole.. (gestures vaguely) Situation, but he didnt have his hair up in any way, and so i often see mine as another way to keep us separate.. and our hair is slightly different colours, but i think its really hard to tell a lot of the time, so i like having the difference between us since without my hair being put up like that we look almost exactly the same. more than we already do.

🪷

The identity thing feels extremely real tbh. There are too many doubles of me in the system and I feel lost in the crowd, like I don't get to just be me sometimes. At least none of them are after my dear Alva though. They're all very different from me it's so odd.

And yes, ironically, it feels like all the art I see of myself people are drawing their version with pigtails.

After awhile I've come to just let it slide. It took awhile just getting used to being here and accepting that things were going to be this way tbh.

I am less and less ashamed of my system as time goes on and I'm not afraid to share anymore I think that we actually have two NW fictives that were raised together and it was their biological father that attacked and that's a whole story they could talk about because it was a traumatic moment for them too but the story went very different and yet not to dissimilar from canon.

I just think it's incredible how we can have so many similarities and differences all at the same time.

[temporaryfascination]

this blog is literally just for whatever sus stuff is still allowed on tumblr that im into. this is not a fandom blog even if there will be fandom content, and reblogging fandom content does not necessarily mean that im in that fandom, it just means i liked the specific post/the posters stuff in general probably.

if anyone who knows my main first finds this blog, no you did not <3 please leave actually, i dont need anyone who knows me knowing about any of this tbh lol

this will mostly be reblogging stuff but i MIGHT post my own stuff someday, though i doubt it

im also going to avoid any stuff with real people because that just makes me feel weird, even if they uploaded the stuff of themselves.

its not even that im the most ashamed of anything but i just know how other people percieve, well, almost all the stuff thats going to be on here, and i sadly do care what people think about me lol

what to expect on this blog:

there will be some vanilla stuff! plain ol sex if i see some that i like, though rare because of tumblr

gas, to be fully blunt, burps or farts.

bellies! big bellies, full of stuff! full of food, cum, and even vore. there might also be the rare post about pregnant bellies but if i reblog them, theyll be tagged as vore.

mmm boobs. bigger the better. dunno how much of that ill find because of the limits of tumblr but like. boobs

what i wont do:

scat, piss, vomit, anything with blood or gore, obviously nothing illegal, and like i said before i dont want to show any real life people because it makes me uncomfortable, so itll only be text and drawings and audios.

i am under the same or similar name on: deviantart, twitter (sadly), and now bluesky

just for my own sake im saving my serious post in a link here

[odetolove]

Oh yes of course but I mean you’re already cool and suave you know? All the cool and suave people show off how excited they are cus it makes the other people excited too you know (hehehe)

AH YES! We can continue where we left off if that’s okie (if that’s what you mean, I’m also about to fall asleep so brain is at like 35% working capacity) !! Ahh I’m good I just wanted to check cus your taste could have changed while we’ve been away so just wanted to check in :]

AHHHH okie okie well mostly it’s been for bts like just exclusively them for years like for almost 3-4 years (?). Mix of y/n and ships cus I got ashamed of y/n :( but then covid happened and I got into anime and fully accepted y/n fics again and now it’s mostly seventeen and some bts, only cus I’m having severe brain rot of my bias in svt like.. it doesn’t help he’s my ideal type too.. and mostly only those groups cus they’re my ults ! And some twice ones I’ve read but not really. It came up while I was just going through the tag one day. How about you? Sorry I went on for so long heldofkfn

ALSO YAY! I’m glad you’re having fun writing, that’s one of the most important parts! I can’t wait to read it, also so floored with your writing :’)

- Samu mod

ohh yes of course! i know exactly 100% what you mean! i think this cool and suave person will now yell excitedly to show other (wink wink) people how excited they are!!! excitedly….

and yes!!! that’s what i mean, don’t worry you’re perfect !! i hope you sleep well!! and nah, im as predictable and unchanging as ever lol!!!

HELPP R U MEE???? i’m crying, i never rly got into the ship fics, so i’ve always been on that y/n reader train !! WHOS UR BIAS FROM SVT N BTS?? mines obviouslyyyyy yoongi n jk,,, jk is my BABY… my.. boyfie… he’s so endearing to me everytime i see his face i wanna…. CRY ‼️ and for svt dokyeom… LOVE HIMMMMMMM,, oh my god also mingyu!! brain melts for him i love him he’s so big and <3 vry much bf vibes tooooo !! and pls!! don’t apologize !! i love hearing all you gotta say!!

thank you!! wahh that means a lot ;; im so excited,, sometimes i go into writing ruts but now that i’ve got inspiration i feel all !! energized !! i cranked out 1.5k words yesterday sooo fast !!! it was so nice lol

[doebt]

AND THE WORST PART THAT I DONT EVEN WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE is that if i cant find anything to READ that hits me in my emotions hard enough i will just go look at pics of rly disturbing gore and THAT hits me in the spot right next to wherever the emotions happen. which is close enough. BUT. THAT CANT BE HEALTHY LOL. RIGHT

[d0llpie]

prompt 16 ;; in your req rules you said this was okay so i hope its fine :,) could i have oikawa, iwaizumi and tsukishima finding their s/o's fresh (or old if you prefer) sh scars? the way it ends should be fluff lol, im only asking because this would bring me comfort </3 either way i love your writing ur amazing<3

Self Harm Comfort

oikawa x reader, iwaizumi x reader, tsukkishima x reader

Warnings: self harm mention, blood mention, this topic is very triggering so please do not read if uncomfortable, i add tags that can be blacklisted for this topic !

a/n: hi love, i hope this brought you some comfort, my messages are always open, have a beautiful day <333

prompt: “i know i’m not what you signed up for”

wc: 1.9k

Oikawa

~ You hadn’t been dating Oikawa very long, he never questioned why you always wore long sleeves and honestly he didn’t think much of it

~ You were proud to say that you hadn’t self harmed since your relationship had begun, he was always doting and caring while also being fun and a distraction for you. You loved him with all your heart and knew he loved you too

~ You knew you couldn’t hide them from him forever but you didn’t realise he was coming over to surprise you, wanting to take you on a date

You’d been in your head all day, you couldn’t help it, your thoughts spiraled and you were back in that dark place you’d been so happy to be out of for so long. You hated that you resorted to this but coping this way became to familiar that before you knew it, you found yourself on the bathroom floor, blade in one hand and bloody tissues in the other. Tears were rolling down your cheeks but you stared blankly ahead of you, you didn’t feel any better, your thoughts turning to tooru, what would he think? This only made your tears come out faster, shame creeping up on you, your thoughts spiraling darker and deeper until you were stuck overthinking and rolling your sleeve higher.

You didn’t hear Oikawa open the door or walk towards the bathroom, you did hear his gasp in the door frame as he dropped to his knees in front of you, cradling you in his arms, wetting your shirt with his own tears. “Y/n, why didn’t you tell me? What happened? What are you doing?” you were too shocked to answer, scared that this was the end of your relationship and you’d be trapped again with your thoughts, alone. “i-“ you tried to speak but it came out in a choked sob and Oikawa shushed you, pulling you to sit on the edge of the bathtub while he fetched your med kit. He was silent cleaning your wounds, occasional sniffles let out which only make you overthink even more. Once he bandaged your arm you held his wrist still.

“Tooru i wanted to tell you, i hadn’t done this since before we started dating, i’ve been doing well i dont know what happened and i know i’m not what you signed up for, i’m sorry i’m really sorry it’s just-“ “you are exactly what i signed up for. I want you, all of you, i just wish you felt comfortable enough with me to tell me, this scares me y/n, i need you and i’m sorry that i was to ignorant to realise how you were feeling..” you cupped his cheek “no tooru baby you don’t need to apologise..” “you don’t need to either y/n, i’m going to help you, please tell me when you feel like this...i don’t know what to do but i’m not leaving. i’m staying right beside you okay?” you nodded, tearing up again and burying your face in his chest “why are you crying my love?” you lifted your head, pressing your lips against his slowly “i love you tooru, i’m s-“ “don’t you dare apologise, i love you too.” you giggled softly, sniffling before returning back to his chest.

“C’mon y/n, let’s watch your favourite movie and i’ll let you braid my hair to distract you hmm?” you smiled up at him, you both looked a mess, red puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks but you were there in each other’s arms, safe and in love.

Iwaizumi

~ Iwaizumis love language was touch, it reassured him to feel you against him and showed you how much he loved you when he would absentmindedly trace patterns on your skin

~ He always had to have some form of physical contact with you, holding pinkies in crowded spaces, holding your hips while talking to people

~ It shouldn’t have surprised you that he’d eventually feel them

He’d had a long day, the team wasn’t listening to him and all he wanted to do was come home and fall asleep on your chest while you played with his hair. He hated staying late training the team but he knew you were going to be there tonight, waiting for him to come home. It was so domestic, coming back to see you in his apartment, wearing one of his hoodies and a pair of his boxers, the thought kept him going throughout the day and drive home.

Iwa was coming come home late again so you decided to take a shower and head to bed, you got out of the shower, towel wrapped around your body as you made your way into the bedroom to grab one of iwas hoodies. Iwaizumi walked into the bedroom to see you in just a towel, he smiled at you and wrapped his arms around you, breathing in deeply. You froze underneath him, did he see? would he think you were weak? disgusting? you tried calming your breathing but Iwaizumi obviously noticed your state and stepped back, running his hands over your shoulders and down your arms “what’s wrong?” he froze when his arms reached your forearms, running his fingers over the raised flesh so he knew he wasn’t imagining it. Your breathing only sped up, your throat felt like it was constricting. “y/n...” he was angry, not at you, at himself. You’d been together for so long and he never realised? He used to find the fact that you only wore oversized hoodies adorable, seeing you drown in the material warmed his heart, now it made him sick. Did you not want him to see? Did you not trust him? Why didn’t he notice?

“Ouch Haji..” your squeak shook him out of his thoughts and he released your wrists, not realising how tight his grip was getting. He then noticed your wide eyes and shallow breaths and realised you were having a panic attack “y/n-shit. i’m so sorry here, breathe with me baby okay?” he held your hands and led your breathing until you calmed down. You changed into one of his shirts and some shorts before sitting next to him on the bed. “Baby, please tell me none of those are new.” he pulled you onto him so you were sitting on him “they aren’t, i was going to tell you i was just...ashamed? i’m not sure it’s complicated, i know i’m not what you signed up for..” he held your arm out gently, tracing the scars with his fingers before pressing your wrist against his lips. He kissed along each of your scars, mumbling how much he loved you while a few stray tears escaped his eyes.

“If you ever feel that way again, i want you to tell me first okay? I love you, you’re so strong and beautiful, you’re my home okay? i need you and i want you to be able to rely on me too.” you nodded before kissing him, smiling against his lips “thank you haji” you began playing with the hair at the nape of his neck and he nuzzled his face into your neck, picking you up and lying you down fully under the covers “you don’t have to hide them around me y’know” you hummed, playing with his hair, kissing his forehead as he peppered kisses along your jaw “goodnight haji”.

Tsukkishima

~ you don’t know what exactly led you to feeling this way again, but you were back to feeling numb, wanting more than anything to feel

~ although you knew better, you still made you way to the bathroom, blade in hand like you were on autopilot

~ you hadn’t told tsukkishima yet, too afraid of what he’d say, what he’d do. He was rarely serious as it was and you didn’t feel the need to burden him with this

Tsukkishima wasn’t dumb. He was smart, he noticed when you were uncomfortable in public and would take you out of there without you needing to express your discomfort. He noticed advertisements for that show you mentioned a few weeks ago on the back of a bus. He noticed the clothes you wore and how you fiddled with the edges of your sleeves. He noticed the empty look behind your eyes sometimes and the fake smiles you’d send his way when he asked if you were feeling okay. He hated it. He felt so powerless, he wasn’t certain but he was almost positive and he wanted to help you but he didn’t know how.

You weren’t answering your phone so Tsukki let himself inside, making his way up to your room only to see your phone on your bed but you nowhere to be found. He walked down the hallway and noticed the light on in the bathroom.

You looked up from the floor, hearing a knock on the bathroom door. “Yes? I’m in here.” your heart leapt into your throat when the door knob started rattling and you quickly sat against the door. “Y/N? move, what are you doing on the floor?” You froze at the sound of Keis voice “Kei? what are you doing here?” you tried to push harder against the door but he pushed it far enough to let himself into the bathroom. You had rolled your sleeves back down but he saw the bloodied blade on the counter. “Take off the jacket” you rolled your eyes “I’m not in the mood right now Kei” he moved towards you “y/n.” the sad tone in his voice made your lip quiver, he knew. You slowly took your jacket off and looked away from him as you started to tear up “i know i’m not what you signed up for but please-“”dumbass, why didn’t you tell me...” you looked up at him to find him staring at the cuts, you tried to speak but you couldn’t.

Tsukki moved to the medicine cabinet and took out some bandages and alcohol wipes, cleaning and dressing the wounds while you cried softly. “y/n, i’m not leaving okay? you don’t need to cry, i’m here.” you wrapped your arms around his neck and he hugged your waist, burying his nose in your hair. “Kei i’m sorry i didn’t tell you i just didn’t want you to break up with me..” “i’ve known for a while now, i’m not mad but i will be if you feel like this again and don’t tell me. I’m you boyfriend, you’re one of the few people i can stand and i’m not gonna have you thinking i don’t care okay?” you nodded at him, burying your face in his chest “i love you kei, i promise i’ll talk to you more..” he rubbed your back soothingly “good, dumbass. i love you too..”

[soulwillower]

you should be • richie tozier

(richie tozier x reader)

requested:  richie fic where he and reader are neighbors, and he sees her from his balcony in her bra. he’s shamelessly watching till she looks, flips him off n leaves. then he’s kinda embarrassed lol. then he’s at a cafe of smith with the losers n sees her. he stares. they ask who she is and he tells them, and they laugh. then she looks at him, and he kinda sheepishly waves. she acts kinda mad, then smiles and waves back. eventually, a while later, they start talking to each other from their balconies. 1/2   +   2/2 then he sees her crying one night. and ummm if ur comfortable w it could u write this as Indian reader? bc there’s not much representation like that soooo yea. otherwise just normal. anyways, he asks her what’s wrong n it’s smith like her parents want arranged marriage, he cheers her up, fluffy

thank u for the request im sorry it took so long! :) 

warnings: mentions of arranged marriage, and richie staring at reader while theyre half naked so bad morals, half-nudity, unedited asf!

[losers + reader are 17+ in this.]

1.0k words

♡

the café is busy when you walk in, the sharp smell of espresso waking you up slightly as you move to line up for your order. 

you’re waiting for your order when a loud chorus of laughs and whispers make you crane your neck to the right, making direct eye contact with a boy who makes you stop for a moment. you know those peering eyes. richie tozier. he bites his lip, sheepishly waving as his friends all laugh, shoving him. 

you know why he's sheepish - he probably should be. 

three days ago, you saw those large blue eyes. but you were in your room, dancing to a song that played softly from your radio as you changed into your pajamas.

the night is beautiful, air fresh and your window doors open wide. you waltz over to the balcony, humming slightly as you breathe the air flowing onto your skin. 

but you feel something. 

your eyes fall easily to the house next to yours, the small balcony adjacent to yours open and a boy sitting on a folding chair, smoking a half-ashed joint in his fingers. he’s staring shamelessly. 

his face is smug but also almost blank, as if he knows he should feel embarrassed but isn't. and he holds your gaze - eyes big, blue, and imploring as he watches you, a warm feeling in your gut that is shocking and not what you expected. 

you blink; your neighbor, richie, is staring at you. you're only wearing a bra. frowning, you flip him off and abruptly whirl around, shutting your windows. 

and now, richie's staring at you again. he must've told his friends. you start to give him a glare, showing that you're still annoyed, but then you smile a bit, laughing at how ashamed he looks before you wave back. you don't miss the blush on his cheeks. 

-

the giddiness that you'd had when you left the café disappeared after dinner, when you got into an argument with your parents. you're crushed; the knowledge that at one point, your young adulthood and freedom will come to an end and you'll be paired with a person to marry.  and yes, you know your parents' marriage was arranged and they found real love but you just don't want that. your mind skips to the café today, to richie - you let out a small sob. 

climbing out to the balcony attached to your room, you let out a shaky sigh. you have a cup of turmeric milk in your hands, eyes clouding with tears as you let out a small sob. 

"y/n?" you hear a voice call from to your left. craning your neck, you sigh and wipe the tears, embarrassed to have richie see you so upset. "h-hi, richie. how are you?" you ask, voice wavering. 

he doesn't say anything, instead his eyes look conflicted. "would you like to talk?" he calls, tilting his head, curls flopping and making your chest warm. 

you clear your throat, "it's okay, i just-" you cut yourself off, sighing. why lie? "i've had a bad day, richie." you sigh honestly. there's a rustle and you look back over to see his long body folding out of his window and you nearly gasp as he stumbles, sure that he's about to plummet the twenty feet to the ground. 

but then he's leaping across to your roof and your eyes widen in shock, hoping your parents don’t hear anything. swallowing, you watch as he pulls his denim jacket closer and shoves his hands in, sliding onto your balcony and plopping next to you. it's quiet for a few moments, and you're still in shock at the ease in which richie just leapt across your roof. although in the same way, you're not shocked. 

"you smell nice." he whispers suddenly. you blink, smiling lightly. "it's probably our incense." you dismiss, gesturing to the holder further out of your room, even though your door is closed. he nods, shrugging. "it smells good." he reiterates, and you smile at the ground. 

"so, what's got'ya down?" he asks, slinging an arm around your shoulders to pull you in. you flush, heart beating erratically at his proximity. "um, well. i got into an argument with my parents-" you mutter a hindi swear word and richie tilts his head, but you shake your head. his face twitches and you can tell he's holding back a comment and so you push on, "my parents, they - they're trying to arrange my marriage." 

his jaw drops slightly. "sugar, we're seventeen." he breathes out, and you just tilt your head, tears falling from your face even quicker. "i know." you choke out, and he nearly winces as if realizing that wasn't the right choice of words. 

"i know. and i just really want to date someone, before that. they don't understand that i want to like a boy." you sniff, "i want someone to want to take me out, i want to be excited before going on dates, i want to get butterflies when i kiss them." 

he's silent, staring out at the landscape of the town in the dark, before kissing your hair slightly. butterflies fly in your stomach. "you're right, y/n. that's not fair. you deserve to be with someone who you want to be with, someone who wants to be with you." 

you nod, smiling lightly through your tears. he's trying his best to comfort you, and it makes you warm with appreciation. richie shrugs, arm still around your waist. "we could kiss, you know. i think you're real cute sugar. and your parents would hate it, but, i'd like to take you out sometime."  

you can feel those butterflies again.

you chuckle, raising a brow and looking at him. he reaches a hesitant finger to wipe away your tears gently, hand falling. 

"really?" you ask, biting through a smile. his eyes are bright as he chuckles, shaking his head. "yeah, really. why else would i have been creeping on you that one night?" 

you roll your eyes, smiling. "i'm still mad at you for that, tozier." you mutter, and he laughs. "you should be, you should be." 

and then he pulls your jaw towards his and you're kissing, softly, happily. you sigh lightly into his mouth, his hand rubbing your cheekbone. you pull apart, and he hums, pressing his forehead to yours. "can i take you out to make up for it, at least?" he asks. you smile and kiss him tenderly, hands finding his jaw and cupping either side. 

"yes, you can." 

tag list:  @gabiatthedisco @blisshemmings @stenbrozier  @sft-core @clownsloveyou  @moon-shine-baby  @daughter-of-the-stars11 @trashedfortozier @oceandog13 @chl0bee  @kait16xo @upamongthestarss @fiantomartell @beverlyparkerr @beauregard-s @diorbubs @leighjaenikhowell @groovybimbo @deepestofwaters @melinda-hargreeves @sassy-uris @loverloserrr @hauntingkaspbrak @soph-ec @hockslutter @babytortie  @decafcoffeew @etaerealboy

[tintinwrites]

i’d rather be lonely | Javier Peña x Reader | Part Nine

A/N: I’m guessing y’all enjoyed the previous part!

Rating: 18+

Warning: Oral (F receiving). Naughty words. Mentions of a scar.

Word count: 2,849, apparently!!

Summary: You and Javier talk about what the two of you are doing.

Masterlist

GIF credit: @damerondjarin​

Tags: @thedevilwearsvibranium​ @bisexual-space-slut​ @thirsty-flygirl​ @shadow-assassin-blix​ @damndamer0n​ @huliabitch​ @damerondjarin​ @perropascal​ @mylifeliterally​ @no-thanks-lol​ @dee-vn​ @jenniferdaniels12​ @cinewhore​ @lokiaddicted​ @justabeautiful-letdown​ @shakespeareanwannabe​ @lackofhonor​ @katialvi​ @fangirl-on-bitches​ @im-an-angel-of-the-lord-you-ass​@darkbluenovember 

                                         -------------------------

You woke up to lips pressing slowly down your side and you smiled, knowing full well who was in your bed and being happy about it.

You and Javier had so much to make up for that you invited him back to your place where you fumbled in the dark then laid there in a tangle of limbs where you fell asleep together.

It was the first time in a long time that he’d stayed when sleeping with somebody, but you were different.

His eyes were hooded with sleep and lust when you turned your head to look at him, immediately trailing down to your breasts the moment you moved from your stomach to lay on your side.

“Good morning,” you said pleasantly, perhaps you would’ve been uncharacteristically giddy if you weren’t thinking about how you were going to need to talk about why you’d slept with the man you supposedly hated.

“Morning.” He leaned in to kiss you and even with your worry, you couldn’t help but kiss him back because he was good at it.

When his lips trailed down your chin, along your jaw, down your neck, moving towards your chest, you reluctantly put a hand on his shoulder to push him back. He obeyed the command without hesitation, but there was something in his eyes; concern, maybe, that you hated him again and it was just some sex to put all that pent up emotion somewhere.

Fuck, why did that make his chest squeeze like that when he’d done this with so many women before?

“I’ve been...I know I’ve probably been really frustrating to you and I want to talk this out with you to see what...what are we doing?” You finally asked, sitting up and grabbing the sheet from your lap to cover the breasts he’d been sucking on at one point.

“I don’t know...every time I think we’re doing one thing, you turn it around on me.” He propped up on his elbows, not meeting your eyes because he knew this conversation was necessary, but it was still awkward and something he didn’t often do.

“That’s what I mean, and I think I owe you an explanation that...that...when…” You closed your eyes for a moment, then looked at him even if he wasn’t looking at you. “When I was...shot...I saw the side of you that I didn’t want to, I saw that you were caring and thoughtful, and I liked that. I started thinking about how much of a mistake it was to assume things about you, how it might be nice to try and be friends or more, and then I went to your apartment and…”

“Ah, fuck.” He ran his hand through his hair, sitting up a little bit more. “I was wondering if that’s what this was about, because you saw me with her and I showed myself to be the jackass you knew I was.”

“No, Javi...seeing you with a prostitute when we were growing closer hurt and I...instead of letting myself be hurt, I went back to hating you because it was easier.” You picked at the finely sewn threads of the sheet awkwardly.

“Oh.” Javier simply didn’t know what to say to this, though there was something about you being hurt by the idea of him being with someone else that made him almost happy in a stupid way, knowing he was right when you mentioned more with you and that you genuinely wanted him.

The two of you fell silent for a long moment before he asked you,

“So, you wanna go back to hating me?” It was partly a joke and partly a genuine question.

“No, I don’t, but...I know this is usually a one time thing for you, so if you want to pretend we never did anything, then that’s fine, and I promise to be civil to you because I understand sex doesn’t make you a bad person seeing as I—” Your eyes widened when he pressed his lips to yours, then you slowly let them flutter shut as you kissed him back.

He pulled away after a moment and just admired the passion you put into the kiss, how your lips were still slightly pursed as if waiting for more. “I’m not that much of an asshole and...fuck, I don’t know, I want more than one night with you.”

You looked at him with a dreamy look in your eyes like you’d longed for him, which a part of you did, and you reached up to run your thumb across his chin. “Be straight with me, Javi, and tell me what you want out of this.”

“Why don’t we just try this out and see where we end up?” He knew you were using his nickname a lot more and it sounded so natural, so beautiful. “If you hate me, then we can break things off, or maybe it’ll be something more. No pressure.”

“No pressure. That means if you realize it’s too much commitment, you can run away.” You smiled, though you honestly were a bit worried that he would be scared and decide to leave you and you might be in love with him at some point.

Could you fall in love with Javier?

That was an idea you would’ve laughed at until there were tears in your eyes not long ago, but now it seemed like you could.

Like you would.

You understood being afraid of relationships in this line of work and maybe you’d put those things off because of more than independence, but it would break your heart if he treated you the way he often treated other women, the very thing you’d hated him for without seeing the man beyond the womanizing.

You were afraid too, obviously, of being hurt, whether it was by abandonment or…

You tried not to think of how dangerous this could be even if DEA agents weren’t supposed to be touched. You’d been shot, for fuck’s sake, which could easily happen again or happen to Javier.

You were afraid of pain or being taken advantage of or being seen as an object or many other things for so long that you ignored so many advances and now you were opening yourself up to the very man you’d hated for making them, which was terrifying itself.

Javier noticed the look in your eyes, smirking slightly. “I know I said no pressure, I didn’t think you’d leave that quickly.”

You were so wrapped up in your thoughts of being afraid yet wanting this that it took you a moment before you realized he said something. “Huh? Oh...no, I, um...I was just thinking about how…”

“About how…?” He prompted, raising an eyebrow high.

“I thought it was better to be lonely and angry because I wouldn’t be hurt that way, to lash out because I didn’t want to be seen as just something to fuck or...something to leave. It was easy to hate you because I wouldn’t let you hurt me, but you still did because I wanted this and...and, I don’t know, I thought I was okay being alone because of my job, but…” You met his eyes. “I think I realized when I thought of more with you that I’d rather not be lonely, you know?”

He chuckled, understanding you even if he wasn’t going to admit it.

You weren’t even sure you made any sense with your emotions being terrified even though you wanted this, realizing how lonely you’d really been now that you’d let yourself want someone.

“No pressure,” you reminded him softly, then looked down. “Can we...keep this between us for now?”

“—sure.” His hesitation made you look up to quickly reassure him.

“I’m not ashamed of you, okay? I know you’re a good man, it’s just that I don’t really know if this is allowed, and we don’t even know what we are. I don’t wanna know what Steve will have to say about this. Fuck, or Alvarez.”

“Hey, it’s fine, you’re probably right that we should keep it a secret for right now.”

Both of you fell silent again because that was that; you wanted to try this out, no pressure, you’d figure it out along the way, and you would keep it a secret for now to avoid any unnecessary drama.

With that conversation out of the way, Javier was able to focus on the aspect of your relationship you’d indulged in.

“I think we can agree we’ll be having sex as we figure all this out, right?” His hand moved under the sheet, finding your bare hip.

“Uh, yes.” You couldn’t blame anyone who’d ever slept with Javier because he was as good as he made himself out to be.

“With all the shit we did last night, I don’t think we looked at each other.”

“—you’re right.”

Both of you definitely groped and fucked certain parts of each other, but you’d been mostly dressed at the office and you didn’t turn any lights on when you went back to your apartment.

“Show me.” He tugged on the sheet and you made a noise of protest, tightening your grip on it to hold it to your chest.

“No, you show me!” The idea of being naked in front of Javier Peña was nerve wracking because he’d been with so many people, and there was still some part of your brain that insisted you weren’t supposed to show yourself to this man even though you didn’t hate him and you’d let him inside you...and there was also this fear to show him that you weren’t...perfect.

He rolled his eyes and moved out of the bed with no shame whatsoever, standing there for you to see with his hands on his hips.

His shoulders were as broad out of his clothes as they were in them, yet the rest of him was fairly slim and you would guess fit since he ran so much. Your eyes were immediately drawn to the patch of hair between his legs that led to a part of him you knew was sizable when it was inside you, your eyes still widening at the sight anyway.

That look made his lips twitch into a lopsided smile, chuckling softly. “You know, you’re a lot more flattering when you don’t hate me.”

“Unfortunately you were sexy even when I thought I hated you,” you said without really thinking of your words, almost wistful as you let your eyes roam over him.

“Are you treating me like a sex object?” There was a joking lilt to his tone, mocking your behavior towards him lightheartedly since he understood you were just trying to remain professional in a job that worked against women when you’d railed into him.

“Yes.” It took you a moment to realize what you’d answered and you looked up at him for a moment in a way that made him think he might’ve just made you hate him again, but then you let out a laugh.

“Your turn.” He liked the sound of your laugh more than he wanted to admit, so he decided to change the subject with something he was happy to admit he liked.

You hesitated for all those aforementioned reasons, but it was only fair now that you’d seen him, so you slowly slid out from under the covers to stand on the other side of the bed.

His eyes went to your breasts and lingered for a long moment before moving down the rest of your body, lips parting at the sight of your pussy. It was fun to be inside it, obviously, but it was nice to see the place where he’d pounded into you.

Your hands were on your hips like his, but he noticed that one of your hands was over a little and he knew that was where you’d been shot.

He tried to meet your gaze only to find you were staring off to the side. He thought for a moment and then nodded towards you.

“Come here.” His words made you look at him and he stared hard, telling you he wasn’t kidding and you needed to listen to him.

It took a moment, but you slowly walked around the bed to stand in front of him, and he grabbed onto your wrist to gently pull your hand away from your hip.

You were definitely reluctant, staring down at the floor as he revealed the small scar on your hip that you were so unashamed of for some reason.

He could’ve told you that it was nothing, that you were sexy with or without it, that it would probably fade one day, but those types of things usually sounded like someone was just trying to be polite because they didn’t know what else to do.

So he looked at you until you met his eyes, then he moved to his knees and kept his gaze on yours as he pressed a slow, gentle kiss to the scar.

There were tears in your eyes and he wasn’t sure whether they were happy or not, hoping they were as you gently ran stroked over his hair.

His own hands slid up your thighs and moved to hold onto your hips, gently pushing you down to sit on the bed where he knelt between your legs.

“What are you doing?” Your legs opened wider almost of their own accord when he began pressing little kisses along your inner thighs.

He didn’t answer you, moving his hands down to lay them on the tops of your thighs, his thumbs going to your folds and pulling you open for a good look at your cunt. He let out a low groan at the sight of you, wasting no time in leaning in and pressing his face against you.

His tongue lapped and flicked at you, fast and firm, and you were crying out in mere moments from how good at this he was, knowing exactly where and how to touch you.

He would run his tongue up your slit then stop at your clit for a moment to suck on it, then go right back to licking at you, teasing you perfectly to turn you on that much faster.

Once he’d made you thoroughly wet and you were moaning out his name, he stopped teasing you and dipped his head down to shove his tongue into your entrance, fucking you with it as he nudged at your clit with his nose. It was amazing for those two areas of you to be stimulated at the same time and you tightened your grip on his hair, tugging hard.

“Fuck, Javi!” You couldn’t believe how easy it was for him to make you come even if this was the third time he’d be doing it, so close within a couple minutes when your other partners needed a lot of guidance.

Sometimes you had to do it yourself because they didn’t know what they were doing or didn’t care enough to try.

But not with Javier, who was thrusting his tongue into you with such precision that you were practically lifting up off the bed to press yourself to him.

It only turned you on more when you looked down to see him staring up at you darkly, obviously turned on himself based on the look in his eyes that basically told you how much he wanted to fuck you.

“I’m gonna come…” If anything, your words made him move his tongue faster inside you, one of his hands moving so he could rub his finger against your clit.

Your hips jerked and he groaned into you the moment your cunt clenched down on his tongue, continuing to lick into you as you came for him, lapping you up and letting you know how much he enjoyed the taste of you with little encouraging moans.

The way you jerked his head back when your orgasm faded and his touches were too much made his cock twitch, part of him liking that hint of dominance as he gazed up at you.

His lips and chin were shining from your wetness being all over him and you let go of him because the sight was turning you on all over again.

He smirked, leaning in to press a few more kisses to the scar on your hip.

“I think...I should probably return the favor.” Not only was being eaten out a rare occurrence for you, but he took the shame at your scar and made it go away so easily.

“Seriously?” He didn’t think you were the type, but he’d only really known you as a person who was seemingly always angry until recently and the look in your eyes told him you wanted to return the favor.

You nodded and he was on you, kissing you as you let out another beautiful laugh against his lips, pushing you down onto the bed.

Neither of you could believe you’d wasted so much time.

[dylanxmin]

painkiller ∣ 5 ∣ j.hs

breakups are habitual, ordinary maybe even easy for some other people, and maybe it could be easy for you, too, if you haven’t been dumped by your boyfriend after finding out that you were pregnant. no, it wasn’t easy even a bit. and a stranger who wants to be your side doesn’t make this all easy for you, at all.

pairing; jung hoseok x reader

genre; angst, fluff, humor, pregnancy au, strangers to lovers au, single!mom au, slice of life au,,

warnings; little high on angst, swearings, mention of abortion, mention of adoption, mention of miscarriage, unedited(rlly sorry about this)

word count; 5k+

rating; nc17

a/n; heyyy, it’s been a month since i last update this story and i only blame my finals, my sudden lost of muse, and some side effects of my life but there it is, freshly served, angsty episode!! ion know how did this come out but im feeling positive for the next episode! so,,,, hope you all enjoy reading this part, and as always, i do really appreciate a little comment soooo... lol, love y’all  ♡

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taglist; @xxluckydreamsxx​ ,, @parkminhee​

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‘‘Yes, can we have a brief explanation about the story of our current project?’’ 

‘‘Miss Y/N?’’ 

‘‘Y/N?’’ 

Light, red and yellow mixes and crushes down when something hard nudges at your shoulder and brings you the reality. Shake of your body startles Namjoon, who was nudging your shoulder to wake you up. Pairs of eyes currently stares at you, wide, curious and surprised, too, as no one expects you to fall asleep in the middle of an important meeting. But, you did anyway. Surprising yourself with such an action, yet you lost control of your sleep schedule way before this meeting, so you weren’t that ashamed as the sleep still lingers around your head. 

Blinking, blinking, blinking for a couple of times before your vision loses its blur, and the faces look way better to your own eyes. Shock still fresh on their faces, a weird sound rises by your throat as you try to clean it before talking. Namjoon holds his laugh back, but you can see it in the redness of his cheeks and the veins that struggle under his skin. 

‘‘I-’’ you clear your throat, once again as it comes hoarse from sleeping. ‘‘I’m sorry, can you say it again?’’ Mr. Lee stares directly into your eyes, he opens his mouth but closes again. And you know you will try to drown yourself in the sink if the corner of his mouth hasn't curled up. 

You sigh, before he asks again, and listens to your explanation. You try to keep it smooth, and once you start to talk about your work, all the sleep leaves your head, enthusiasm fills it place. 

You love your work. Falling asleep doesn’t mean the opposite. 

‘‘I swear to god if you won’t stop laughing, Kim-’’ 

‘‘But..- but you told the story of our new game, drool drying on your chin, with such an enthusiastic manner.’’ Namjoon’s giggles cut himself, palm hangs in the air, other on his knee. A manager who is in his thirties enjoys his coworkers suffer, laughs his lungs off. Such a mature man. You sigh, hand curled around the cup full of water for you to go to the bathroom after. Countless times. 

Fingertips pinching the tip of your brows, you stand on the kitchen side of your office. Shame still red on your face, you barely able to hold yourself back from either crying or smashing the cup on your friend’s head. Which, you like the last option very much. It’s a shame that you possibly couldn’t do that here. Maybe later, on one of your movie nights. 

‘‘I think it was cute, though.’’ the man in his much more formal clothes rather than his usual sweatpants and his shirt enters the kitchen side. Brown hair brushed neatly on the left side, his features look good. ‘‘Don’t pressure yourself anymore. I’m sure they are used to these things.’’ 

‘‘Thank you for helping my self-reliance to gather itself, but I don’t think it’s that simple, Damien.’’ imitating his smile, even though it’s more faint then he has, you sigh once again. Taking a spot on the table, you let your head fall on it. ‘‘I was literally drooling all over myself. Ugh… such a mess.’’ 

Another laugh escapes by Namjoon’s lips, but he pats your head also. ‘‘Damien is right. You know Jihoon and Yeona will be cool about this.’’ 

You scoff. ‘‘Yeah, but I don’t refer to them by their first names as they are the Ceo’s of this company. Like you,’’ 

‘‘Then you shouldn’t refer to me with my name, too, as I’m your boss.’’ an annoying smirk alive on his mouth, he swipes his body on the table. Gulping down his coffee, his stares never leaves you. Something hot, almost burning coils in your chest. Reminding you red, as you stare at him back. Mouth wrinkled, your breath felt heavy. 

It was anger and you didn’t know how to pressure it back where it came from. Even before your pregnancy, you weren’t good with handling your emotions, but now. With so many hormones not knowing what to do, you were even worse. Sudden crying sessions, constant fury always ready to burst out, and the sneaky, dark anxiety getting you at the worst moment, where you were alone and in the dark. It was hard, and too much. Even before being pregnant, and while being pregnant. You weren’t good with them. 

‘‘You know what, I decide not to cook for you anymore.’’ heartbreak flashes in Namjoon eyes, you crossed your arms over your chest. ‘‘You can buy your own chicken breast from somewhere and eat that shitty sauce.’’ 

‘‘Ouch..’’ Damien who is currently watching the cold vibrations coming from you, stays silent after your gaze lands on him. He is scared, and not ready to be the next target of your stinging tongue. Though, it doesn’t last that long. 

Once you see the tremble of Namjoon’s lips, and his hug follows his sorry’s, your coldness melts away. Shame creeps back, sits heavy as you lower your head on the table. But before you can dive in your bad scenarios in your head, brutal yet familiar bickering starts when Nara enters the kitchen, after she takes her place on the table. Her nose crinkled with disgust while waiting for Namjoon to end his insults, only to throw another to him. Damien tries to cut them off, but it’s useless as he gives up and rests his back on his chair. Hesitant stares gather on you, only to tear them apart while you pretend like you didn’t notice. 

Yet, you don’t want to suffocate yourself with your thoughts, you raise your head, eyes meeting with the brown haired man. Because you don’t and probably can’t break that cold war between your friend and Nara, you find your escape on Damien. 

‘‘So, we have to prepare a meeting for you to put a suit on?’’ cocking your brow high, you ask. His surprise fades after a moment of waiting. Maybe because you aren’t the warmest person or because of the effect of your friends that filled your head with the idea of him having some feelings for you, you never attempt to talk with him first. Not that he isn’t a decent man, but more likely, you weren’t into him and did not want to make a wrong move. For him to get the wrong idea. 

But maybe you are being stupid for believing your delusinal friends about his feelings, and he just wants to be friendly. Though, it’s good to not risk anything, right?

‘‘Suits just not my type, and also, who is wearing these other than him?’’ Damien points Namjoon, who is in a deep, hurtful conversation with your other coworker. You tear your eyes from him to land on Damien once again, his smiling this time. Wide, eyes imitating it. ‘‘Also, doesn’t it hurt your feet? You weren’t wearing heels for a long time.’’ 

After he mentions it, your feet start to pulse with pain. Embarrassment clouded all over your other senses, but his words bring them back. And you wrinkle your face in pain. Of course, it hurts. How it won’t hurt while your feet try to set themselves free by growing bigger inside of its cage and the process isn’t an easy one. Though, these whining are the last thing for your coworker to hear so you simply go with a soft smile. 

‘‘Yeah, a bit but nothing I can’t handle.’’ 

‘‘Oh okay then. Good to hear.’’ he leans closer, eyes gleaming like a child in his pre-mischievous stage. ‘‘Just in case, I have a pair of nice sneakers waiting in my closet. All comfy and less deadly.’’ 

Mirroring the act, you also get close to him. Palm covering the side of your curled mouth, ‘‘I will consider it, but why are you acting like you were selling drugs?’’ whispering the half of your words, you cocked your head aside, watching his face wrinkle due to his growing smile. And seeing him from this side, you realise how good looking he is. Radiant smile adds more point to his charisma as he does, eyes narrow but curls cutely on the ends, and for a second you just stare at his side profile. His spotless skin dips on the cheek as his dimple wants to show off. Thankfully, when he starts to talk the silvery sheet goes away, to your luck. 

‘‘Well, we won’t want other heel wearers to come at my desk for my fancy shoes, right?’’ 

Nodding, you point your finger at him as if he made a good point. ‘‘I see… Of course we wouldn’t want that, of course.’’ 

After the short break, everyone turned in their work the same as you. And you find yourself so tired after talking about the details of the story of your current game with Heejin. Trying to find reliable reasons and motives is hard for some time, as you continue to work on the specific character’s choices in the game, and why and exactly how they should do is sometimes irksome even when you have someone who tries really hard to help you. Yet, you know you can’t put all the weight on Heejin’s shoulders as the poor woman barely had some sleep because of the pre-cold effect. 

When she sneezed for the fourth time in the last five minutes, you had to stop and be sure of her well being. Putting your palm on her clothed arm, you mimicked a smile to look sympathetic rather than annoyed. Even though you were a little bit. Thankfully, she doesn’t have to know that. 

‘‘I know I asked this before but are you sure you are okay? Maybe you should take a rest for the rest of the day. Obviously, you need some.’’ 

She looks hesitant at first, eyes widens at your words but she covers it with a faint smile and nods. ‘‘Oh, I’m okay, I’m okay. You don’t have to worry about me.’’ Heejin bites down her lip before continuing again. ‘‘Did I annoy you? I’m sorry, I just took a pill, so I think that will make me better in a couple of minutes.’’ 

‘‘No, no…’’ pulling your hands in the air, you shake your head in denial. It did bother you but not much for her to apologize for being sick. ‘‘I just wanted to check on you, I’m not… disturbed. It’s okay.’’ 

Your half reassurance works barely, as she tries to lower the voice of her sneezes after that. And everytime, a drip adds to your growing guilt. As Heejin is younger than you for three years, and you have been working here longer than her, it puts some stairs between you two and now with that, you fix the ice between you two. The ice that you have been trying to melt from the first day she was here, and now, thanks to your pregnancy hormones, it started to build once again. Not just with Heejin, but everyone around you was walking on eggshells around you as your rage came out of nowhere, so sudden that sometimes it even shocks you. But for a stupid reason - well, it’s not stupid as you are pregnant and that played with your emotions -, you couldn’t control the sudden change of your feelings. 

One second being calm and the other being tense did tire you for sure as senses flow through every nerve you have. Breathing exercises merely helped, and that led you to staying away from the people around you. As sometimes words come out rude before you can realise. And nobody deserves that kind of attitude, even the ones you know from your childhood. 

For that reason, you turned down Taehyung’s offer to come with you as you know that owing to his nature, he will do something silly to make you angry or stressed even when he does it with all his good intentions. Some days, even when you are in your usual state you can’t stop being bothered by him, and you had no intentions to taste it today. Which, nothing was normal in your current mental state, so that’s for the best. 

Driving past the now familiar streets, you learned a new thing: Driving with a jean without opening its button can be hard, as you have to undo the button while your stomach growls in need. While your stomach become visible, looking like you ate too much for your stomach to handle, sudden thirst for stupid cravings increased day by day. Sadly, it affected your friends as much as you. 

In the middle of night, you woke Yoongi up for him to get you apples, pickles for Taehyung and last but not least, ice cream for Namjoon. As your cravings decide to choose the oddest times, three of them find the solution to fill your fridge until there is no space left. Well, after you sat on your kitchen floor and cried they had to eat some of them with you, as they basically called you fat by doing that, and paid for it. For them, they just wanted to make sure you get what you want but at this point, what they thought barely mattered. 

‘‘Okay, that was tiring.’’ you whispered through your exhale, while parking the car. For the records, parking turned into a hell show for you as going further and back, further and back, further, further and back has your nerves strain like a string. Though, you never liked it anyway. You were ready to leave your car, but the ringtone of your phone cut the act. 

‘‘Hey, mom.’’ 

‘‘Nope. Your voice sounds the same, rather than I thought so.’’ sighing, you brushed your face by your palm. Words like a needle on the skin, your mother always knew how to use them. ‘‘Well don’t ‘ahhh’ at me. As we barely speak, I obviously expect to forget your voice, tell me if I’m wrong.’’ 

Nodding as if she is able to see you through the phone, you put your head on the wheel. She was annoyed as it was very clear by her high and thin tone. 

‘‘Yes, Ma’am.’’ your reply earned another high pitched warning from her so you had to calm her between your giggles. ‘‘Okay, okay… You’re right, Mama. I should call you more but you know work and everything keeps me busy. But I will try my best, promise.’’ 

‘‘Apology accepted. But even though I know you prefer to talk about work, and the video thing you adore talking about, I’m most likely interested in my baby’s baby. So, how’s the pregnancy going?’’ 

This is the exact reason why you didn’t call her more than you did. As she is very interested in your life and interior with it, of course pregnancy will be the same. And you couldn’t ignore the things you can as she will talk about them, will want to know about them and give some advice from her past experiences. Not that you will need any of them, but of course as you postponed everything, you did the same thing to this topic, too, and left your mother in the dark. You will run as far as you can. 

‘‘They called games, not video thing but it’s your choice.’’ while thinking of it itched your tongue, you swallowed all the tensing thoughts down, and ready yourself to talk. ‘‘And the… pregnancy is going good if we don’t count the constant eating, peeing, crying, being tired twenty-four-seven, not fitting in my favorite clothes and all the pain it put me through.’’ 

She laughs as if you just told the funniest joke she heard. Cocking your brows, you run through what you said to make her laugh this much to fail. 

‘‘Ohhh, my baby. Stop talking about this as the things are all bad. You have a baby in your belly, your baby. They will become your everything, and mostly good things because you will love them more than anything you can. Believe me, I could die in return for your laugh. A bubbly, vivid laugh. Ahh… remembering it made me soft, right now.’’ 

‘‘Trying to be unbiased about gender, I see?’’ 

‘‘Well, I don’t want to affect the baby.’’ 

Though you want so bad to ask how that could actually affect the baby, you stay silent. All the baby talk is already pulling you down, it is better if you can stay out of the gender topic as much as you can. Not that it mattered, you thought. 

‘‘What do you mean? Why it wouldn’t matter darling?’’ 

Huh? 

Clearly, you weren’t thinking, but murmuring under your breath as your mom heard it. When you hit your head on the wheel, the horn startles you both. Fixing your posture, you answered your mother’s hurried question. 

‘‘It was horn, I’m in the car. Yes, yes I’m okay, don’t worry. I’m at the hospital- No, no- Mom, for the appointment. Yes… yes, for the baby. I will talk to you later, okay? I will call, I promise- Yes, I promise. Okay, love you, too.’’ 

You sigh once again. A loud one. 

You do hate lying to the woman who would do anything you want, but you know she is not ready to lose her grandchild, yet. You are not ready for the speech you will receive, also. Not that it will be harsh or critical, you just are not ready to accept the whole thing. Yes, you still had problems with the whole pregnancy thing even though you made your mind with adoption. You still had thirty weeks to go, and that won’t go fast. Not in a normal time, or in the pregnancy. 

Head full of blurring thoughts, you missed the man who shakes his hand from afar. The black haired man’s smile faded as you passed by his side without sparing a glance. Too busy with thinking how to calm your mother after you give her the news. The news that she won’t have a grandchild anytime soon. Fuck… that’s gonna be hard. 

Well, maybe not hard as much as the door you decide to welcome it with your face rather than opening. A loud thud, and muffled curse under your breath, instinctively you checked your nose if there is more than the pain you feel, as there is no blood you calm down, shoulders drop their usual place. Apparently, you were conscious enough to lead yourself to the floor where your doctor’s office, past the stairs, and find his door but when it comes to open the door you fail. Tears sit on your eyelids at once as you close them due to the pain that crushes your sight. Trying to massage your nose bridge barely helps but giving it a try won’t hurt, you think. 

‘‘Oh my, are you okay?’’ from your closed and blurred eyesight, you can’t choose who is the one talking but his voice lets you know that he is your doctor, Seokjin. ‘‘I heard a loud thug but couldn’t understand it was a human until you groaned. Are you okay, you bumped your nose? Let me get a look at that.’’ 

Not forgetting to thank him while he guides you inside his office, now you are able to open your eyes and set the tears free as they go down. Seokjin sits you on the white sheeted chair, handles your head to go right and left as he scans your face and nose behind creased eyes. He looks really concerned, more than you, and somehow it puts you on a stage where you feel like you have to make him sure that you were okay and nothing was wrong. It still feels weird when someone gets concerned over you more than yourself, as who would care for someone more than one’s self so it’s still vague. 

‘‘I-I’m actually okay. I didn’t hit that hard as it sounds, it doesn’t even bleed so…’’ wry smile is all you offer him as your voice trails down when his eyes meet with yours, a bit keen rather than you thought they will. 

Seokjin sighs with a line between his brows but he lets go, and when he puts a decent distance between you and himself, professionalism settles in his features as he adjusts his tie. 

‘‘It does look okay, but make sure you put some ice when you can as it could leave a bruise behind.’’ he smiles, both sweet and very technically. As he practiced it for every client he had and now performing it without any difficulties. It looks natural. ‘‘So, tell me how are you feeling? You should still have the early pregnancy symptoms such as morning sickness, sleep issues, and more likely they will hang around for a few more weeks. But it’s more important if you have a symptom that comes unnatural or unbearably painful for you?’’ 

After taking two deep breaths, you feel ready to give him a reply. Nose still throbs by the hit but it’s faint now. 

‘‘Uhm…- yeah, other than the ‘expected’ symptoms, I don’t feel like something is wrong, or not supposed to happen. No more painful urination, though I still need it frequently.’’ you grimace lightly as you share, shifting a bit. ‘‘But yeah, I’m okay.’’ you try to wipe the fresh embarrassment with the non glowing smile you had in your storage. Probably he should but you still don’t know if he needs to know that you choose adoption. As he is your doctor, and the one who is taking care of you and the baby, you know that he must know about it, but unpleasant eerie stops you from doing what you should.  

Old habits die hard, that’s for sure. 

‘‘Excellent. It’s good to hear that everything is going on it’s way, and today, as now you are in the tenth week of your pregnancy, I’m recommending you a genetic test in case there is any birth defect.’’ 

‘‘What is that?’’ even though Seokjin was done with talking, you utter so fast that it feels like you interrupted him, as you shut your mouth with wrinkled brows. It was just getting tiring day by day with all of these tests, things to do and not to do, being extra careful because you have another living creature in you to take care, more than yourself. No more selfish, damaging, stupid choices can be done as your body no longer belonged to you. At least not only to you and this was really, really tiresome. 

As he was expecting this, Seokjin comes up with some papers as you can understand them. ‘‘As I said before, it’s a test to acknowledge any kind of defect in the baby. These tests take two forms: screening tests and diagnostic tests. And a screening test tells you the likelihood that your baby could have a birth defect; a diagnostic test tells you with more than ninety nine percent certainty whether the baby has the disorder.’’ He explains more as you take the papers from him, scanning the words but they are almost identical as Seokjin continues with his further explanation. The blank eerie gets heavier and heavier the further he talks, and when he comes to the risks, it feels like your pulse palpitates on your throat. Tearing your eyes from the papers that sit on your lap, you stare at the man who is still talking. 

‘‘There is small risk of miscarriage, that’s why you need to carefully consider tha advantages and the disadvantages of these test before you make any decision, even it’s small.’’ 

A slap to the face, a weight falls on your stomach after Seokjin is done with his statement. Mouth hangs open, you stay still, silent as the Doctor waits patiently, now he is behind his desk, sitting his hands intertwined. As if he knows the new information would put a heavy dullness in you as he searches your every movement, yet you gave him hardly any. 

‘‘Do I… have to?’’ 

The idea of taking these tests would be tiring is there but the cause of your nausea is not just that. More likely, it’s the idea of losing something. Even though that something doesn’t belong to you because you never wanted it, and nothing has changed since then. Whether it's the guilt of knowing everything caused because of your recklessness, or it’s because you feel obligated to give the baby a good life due to your current maternal instincts - you hardly say you had one -, whether it’s beside you or far away from you, you feel the suffocating necessity. Even if the risk has one percent chance, you can’t take it. Maybe it’s odd to push your one percent chance to become free with the back of a hand, but that would be running away, and both of you already had one runner in your lives, and the baby wouldn’t need another. 

‘‘I know it sounds scary but you can take your time, you don’t have to do it now. You can search it a bit more about the cons and pros but I never had any problems with my former clients if you need any consolation. And you can always ask for me more.’’ 

Chewing your bottom lip, you still look at him in the eye like you need to give him an answer. You do trust your doctor but that doesn’t mean that you purposely rejected the idea of getting abortion while you deal with an unwanted pregnancy only to come across with a risk of miscarriage. Of course it is always there whether you do the test or not, but that's nearly a consolation. 

Nodding, you put all the papers in your bag before leaving the doctor’s office. Biding your goodbyes after ending with this week control. 

You come to the hospital with a dazed head, and you were going to leave it even more wrecked. But you just needed some air, somewhere to ease the wave of emotions that is going through your head. To catch your breath, you adjust your route to the cafeteria in the outdoors. Maybe, that could help you somehow. 

Not temporarily, but taking fresh air in your lungs somehow helped you. The phone call you had with Taehyung while you were at the verge of tears, too, and you sit in the cafeteria during all of these. Mimicking the doctor's words to your friend and Taehyung had listened to you, hang on your every word as much as he can on the other side of the line. Tried to console you, said that things will be alright and nothing bad will happen as if he was as sure as his name. And momentarily, you believed him. Both because you needed it, and he was being a good friend and you didn’t want him to feel useless. 

For good or ill, now, your heart is resting in ease. 

Well at least it was until you see a glimpse of dark uniform in the corner of the wall, and then a familiar face you haven’t seen in a while. A smile that softly shaped as heart, causing your heart to palpitate fast but in a much different way than the news you learned today, or the idea of your mother's future disappointment. It’s more thrilling and in a way even scarier than the other two options. As the opposite of how familiar the face is, the reason for your heart going this insane was abrupt. Even odd when you think the very less time you spent with the owner of the familiar face, yet it was there, forcing you to gulp down, consume every emotion he forced you to feel. 

Contrary to what you expect - and you didn’t know why you were expecting him to be happy after seeing you - his face falls, the shape of heart shutters around his mouth. And to your shock, it put needles somewhere near to your chest. 

The last time you saw him, the atmosphere was intense as you shared things that normally you wouldn’t do with a partially stranger but with him even though feelings were gloomy, you weren’t uneasy. And to you, when he was consoling you, internalizing what you were telling him, he wasn’t disturbed. At least he didn't look like that. But, the more you size him up, the more you get sure of his strange disturbance. And it did burn. Smoke choked you down, and put tears on your eyes. Fucking pregnancy hormones…

Not aware of your action, you caught your hand in the air, in the middle of a shake as Hoseok greeted you by the tiny bow of his head. And expecting more cutted harsly, as a knife in the gut. 

Whether it’s because of your blind act, or whether he feels obligated, Hoseok comes closer to the table you were sitting, leaving the person behind he was talking to before he saw you. With every step, you breathe another air to gather your confidence a bit high, but it’s useless as your hands start to tremble under the table, fortunately away from his sight. 

‘‘H-hi,’’ no matter how much Hoseok tries to sound friendly, it’s not, and you can hear in his voice as it comes out broken. His eyes are still deep and candid but not glowing the way it fascinated you when you first saw him. Still, you greeted him with a tight smile, wave of your hand small. 

‘‘Take a seat-’’ pointing the available chair, you cut yourself to say something else. To correct your words. ‘‘I mean if you want… of course,’’ 

To your surprise, he holds the chair to adjust for him to sit on. But everything feels so forced and awkward that you can’t stop wondering if you said something to him and cause him to feel uncomfortable around you. Your brain works so hard to scan the memories of that day, but you fail to find something so disturbing to make Hoseok shift in his seat, a line between his brows and a noticeably insincere smile. 

It takes minutes for someone to talk first and scare the clouds away only for a moment. 

‘‘Are you waiting for your appointment or has it already finished?’’ 

‘‘Ah, yeah, it’s done. I just needed to take a moment and fresh air because…’’ your voice eventually trailed off as you realised he just asked to look friendly and probably doesn’t want to hear your whelming emotions anymore. ‘‘of stuffs, you know.’’ 

Hoseok nods, his mouth thin as a line, and even though it shouldn’t, it breaks your heart. Yes, this man owes you nothing, and of course he doesn’t have to sit there and listen to how sorry and depressed you feel over the things doctor Seokjin have told you, but it still hurts to see him this… joyless. The curiosity burns deep and wild as you desperately want to know what the hell you did to make him this anxious, but your mind barely helps as you wander in the empty field. 

‘‘I should probably get going-’’ 

‘‘It’s been a while-’’

Words clashing and drowning one another, silence takes over and Hoseok abruptly stops above his chair as he was about to leave before you parted him. And now he looks at you with wide eyes, fear in his chest growing big as your bottom lip trembles for only a second but he catches it. 

He sits back on his seat with hands on the air. ‘‘Oh, yeah, it’s been a while since we last saw each other.’’ he says but you know it’s out of pity, and you would rather die than crumbling under his gaze. So you shake your head with a false smile, though hammers work in your chest. 

‘‘Ah, don’t mind me. Go ahead, you are probably busy and have so much to do. So, you can leave, seriously.’’ 

‘‘No-, no, no, Y/N. I’m sorry, I want to stay and talk to you, really. I really am sorry for acting rude.’’ 

Maybe because the look on his face, or the warm tone of his voice, you decide not to pressure him to leave after you ask if he really wants it for a second time. But he nods and smiles, and this time it reaches his eyes, a hot pink blossoms in you. 

Though, before either of you can say anything, a touch at your back stops you. You hear the breathy voice before you turn your head. ‘‘Ahh, finally I found... you. Care to explain why you are-...not picking your phone?’’ 

And when you turn over, you see a panthing Yoongi. His hand on his knee and looks at you with concerned gaze. Then, they leave you only to land on the man on the other side of the table, and Yoongi’s eyes go wide. 

He extends his hand in a non-moving shake to the air. ‘‘Oh, hi. Sorry to butt in.’’ he stretches his hand towards him, the ghost of a smile appears on his lips. ‘‘It’s Yoongi,’’ 

Voice deep, and it takes long to draw out when the man in dark uniform mirrors the act. ‘‘Hoseok.’’ 

[phlondie]

okay ik this is an opinion no one asked for but now im thinking about the whole dan and phil joint branding as opposed to Dan Branding™ and Phil Branding™. also this is fully adding onto posts on @ browncesario and @ demonetisation’s blogs and i feel too awkward to tag them bc i dont wanna make anyone feel obligated to read this lol but if i repeat anything they said or their anons said its not on purpose!

but like, full disclaimer while i love dan and phil i feel like its always been kind of obvious that they were marketing their relationship to us? obv not so much anymore but like... as much as people who dont keep up w dnp like to pretend that their only awareness of us as a fanbase was creepy objectifying shippers who should feel ashamed for harassing them etc etc, they’ve always been way more tuned into their audience than i think people realize. like they’ve *known* what we’re like, and i dont even mean just the bad parts. like they *know* that a lot of their fanbase is queer and genuinely has looked up to them as queer role models long before they were out, and a lot of that hinges on us understanding they were a couple. and ik they resented it and i wasn’t really part of the fanbase until a few years ago but hearing stories of how dan would react on liveshows sometimes and the like, barely concealed resentment for the fans sometimes shows that while they definitely had issues with it (which like,,, is fair), they also knew they were kind of stuck in a rut. because if their primary source of fans are people who like seeing them together, that meant that their success as youtubers/creators/etc depended on keeping those fans right where they were.

and to be clear! i know ive never been here primarily for their relationship; i started watching them bc i thought they were funny together and had a good dynamic, which wouldve been possible even if they really were just friends. i didnt get emotionally invested in the projection part of it until later. but even so, i was always aware as a fan that they were selling to us the speculation of their relationship.

and this is def pulling from other posts ive seen today but considering the fanfic part of tatinof, the fact that they wrote fanfic in tabinof and incorporated shippy fan art into the youtube versions, giving the people what they want, even little things like the conjoined baking challenge vid.... they wanted us to stay curious about their relationship. Even if on a very real level it was literally bringing back trauma for them, there was this weird cognitive dissonance between “im angry at people for speculating about us” and “look here, dont stop speculating about us! look we’re sharing a sweater! look we’re being ~domestic~ in ditls!”

which is also why i thought the hiatus wouldnt last long tbh, like i was genuinely shocked that after the success of ii they would completely separate their brandings from each other in 2019. and i wont @ this person but someone said it best years ago when they said that joint branding had to die for dnp to come out. bc it really did; how could they keep up the speculation if we have literally almost all the puzzle pieces laid out? when they’ve primed their audience to actively hunt down these pieces (even if again, they would rather have not, esp given what they each talked about in their coming out videos), but they dont *want* us to put it all together, how could they sustainably make joint content while keeping the speculation fanbase there? bc once the speculation is over, people are gonna keep wanting more. (and disclaimer i really dont think this applies to like....anyone i follow on here tbh bc in general i feel like we’re fine w them keeping their boundaries where they are, but we’ve all seen posts like that that indicate that people *will* want more, and thats something that they’re unwilling to give and understandably so).

anyway this all goes to the main thing that brought all this on today lol, ever since 2019 they’ve been trying to cultivate their own separate branding from each other, and while i’m here for it tbh, surely they know that they’ll never escape their old joint branding. Which also means never escaping the spectre of relationship speculation. so i have mixed feelings about seeing dan act shocked that people could ever speculate about his private life once he became famous bc like 1) thats literally just what happens when you become famous, and 2) ....he and phil egged it on up to a point, and that doesnt mean it didnt upset them but it definitely feels off for dan to always be so pikachu face about having had fans that speculated about his relationship. like dan you literally wrote erotic fanfiction about you and phil, pieced together fan art illustrating it that showed you and phil in a homoerotic lens, and yet you’re *still* acting shocked and indignant that fans got invested in your relationship/the possibility of your relationship?? idk man. its confusing bc at the time i took things like that as “oh, we’re in on the joke,” but ever since 2019 they’ve made it more clear that we’re not, but we’re also not *not* in on it to an extent (looking at you, cah phan edition)

so im def still excited for dan’s book (like the subject doesnt terribly interest me tbh but i do wanna see what he does with it and read whatever highlights inevitably get posted on here), but as always w the end of regular joint content, im lowkey here for the over-analyzing about the relationship between dan, phil, their fans, and their content bc dear god we never run out of material to rant about

[knicks-knacks]

wait a min who 👀 is Wistoria 👀👀 (i am wondering :)

HGFDSJGJ I love that writing that tag I was like "Krch is gonna ask about them" fdjgkhdfjk that's perfect im going to hug you

So!!! Wist!!! She's my Forsaken OC bc I just really love the deaders and think zombies are cool and think that there is a lot to be done with like... lore bits of the forsaken and you know how much I love my lore bits.

The most concise way I can describe her is she's a Forsaken fashion designer and skin stitcher/bone-engraver who specializes in designing fancy clothes that shows off the exposed or rotting bits of the Forsaken, in an effort to kind of help the people who feel dysphoric about their not-quite-dead bodies and to show people that they can embrace those things they deem "ugly" and make them beautiful, rather than hide them away in shame. However, she wasn't always so willing to embrace it herself.

More on that in the less concise story under the cut lol it got long on accident

(heads up: this characters pronouns are she/they and I use them super interchangeably throughout this. also sorry this took so long to type i got distracted and also wanted to try and cover it the best I could!)

tw for: the typical mentions of bones and missing body parts/rotting flesh typical for forsaken in WoW though nothing too graphic. and also death but her being a zombie that's a given

So, Wistoria herself, before she passed, she was a well-known seamstress in Lordaeron! Born into a noble family (though not high, her parents were only lord/lady), and growing up seeing all the pretty clothes, they pretty quickly learned they wanted to focus themself on that, and their parents supported them in that. After training under a mentor since youth she ended up getting REAL damn good at making clothes - both simple and elaborate. Eventually became the favored tailor to a lot of the nobility. It kind of helped her family climb the political ladder, making dresses and suits for the baroness and the marquis etc. She also loved dressing up herself!

She's a very kind and patient individual, always excited to hear about a client's day or what's going on in their life, though she's quite reserved about herself. They're kind of... quietly charming if that makes sense. Not charming in a way that Flynn Fairwind is, but more in an Anduin-type way? Not the type you'd take for a night out at the bar, more the type you'd have a long personal conversation with over warm tea in a dimly lit coffee shop. Comforting. Fitting sessions are almost like low-key therapy sessions because she feels rather cozy and easy to talk to about troubles - though they're not a therapist lol.

Also a tidbit that I just think is cute - she's taken some training in being a mage! It helps her with her sewing and they are a mage in game so I thought it fit perfect lol

anyways she gets murdered by the scourge and raised again and gets saved by Sylvanas etc etc etc

Due to the way that their corpse rotted, they lost the flesh of their lower jaw, and their chest, leaving her jaw and ribcage exposed.

At first, she was rather horrified by her appearance - as most forsaken are. It scared them to not look like... themself. And even surrounded by other forsaken whose bodies were just as bad off as hers if not worse, she still felt rather uncomfortable with those exposed bones. They typically wore a veil or a poncho to cover themself up as best as they could.

She continued making clothes. Threw themself into the cause to help the newly formed Forsaken. Salvaged cloths from graves to try and make wearable stuff. Helped sew up other forsaken at times, if it was urgent. But mostly helped in making clothes (and sometimes armor) for the people when they needed it.

Then, after the scourge was defeated and they made their new home in Undercity, and things started to shift into a New Normal, they gradually started going back to their roots a bit. Fancier, more dressy clothes. She also frequently ended up making adjustments to clothes she made in the past that old clients managed to salvage - what once fit perfect now didn't, due to lost limbs and lost muscle/fat. And of course, she was happy to restore those old clothes for the client, whatever she could do to help, but those were sometimes a rough job. It kind of brought a bunch of negative thoughts to the forefront when they did them. Their old life was gone and nothing would be the same, their body is no longer the same. Perhaps these clients come to her for alterations on old living clothes because they can't let go of the fact that they're no longer living. That sort of thing. Makes her deeply sad both for the whole of the Forsaken and for herself.

That changes though, as I said.

Soon after they had been saved by Sylvanas, they met Leila - a blood elf. They grew close, then closer, and you could Tell there was a fuck ton of romantic tension there from the start. Over time, Leila kind of helped Wistoria get their confidence back - because if she could love them, they could love themself too. She was still reserved about the way she looked, and still hid it all the time, but then there was a moment that kind of opened her eyes.

So uh, Leila and Wistoria had been out picking flowers that they planned to preserve and use in a dress. While out, Wist managed to slip and fall into a mud puddle and so had to change, but something about That Day she was particularly uncomfortable with her body. They turned away from Leila, and Leila pointed out to them that they didn't have to do that around her - she'd seen it all before anyway. And Wistoria commented how they didn't want to disgust her or anything. Leila frowned at her for a moment and then asks Wistoria to turn to her because she wants to do something. Wist hesitates a moment but from Leila's tone of voice, she knew that it was okay to let her see. Then Leila took some thread, and the flowers they'd just picked together, and - with permission - began tying and weaving them into and through Wistorias ribs. She filled their whole chest cavity meticulously with leaves and flowers and thread. She carefully tied a snapdragon upside down on their sternum. Then, she rummaged for a while through Wistorias fancy clothes, found a jacket, found a skirt, helped Wist get dressed.

Then, when she was finished, she turned Wistoria around and had them look in a mirror. No veil, no cover, just their body and how beautiful it was. Wistoria, of course, ends up crying, because it had just been so LONG since she dressed herself up. She hadn't been able to look at herself naked for longer than a second since she was raised, but now she couldn't stop taking it in, and how pretty it was, and how inspiring.

Leila and her have a long talk, after that, about loving herself and seeing that she didn't need to look like her living self to be beautiful. That her body wasn't this disgusting or uncomfortable thing that she needed to hide or be ashamed of, even with the missing parts.

After this, they still take time to regain their confidence, of course. But with support from Leila (and a lot of my other ocs lol) they get to the point that they love themselves again. They get their bones engraved, and they end up loving it so much that they take it up themself. She dabbles into decorative stitching on skin, something she had shied away from at first. Her clothes start reflecting her comfort, she stops wearing the veil and the cover, wears jackets with no shirt. Until eventually they're designing dresses that are cut specifically to showcase her missing parts. Like a boob window but with no boob, just skeleton!

Eventually, she becomes known for being the best person to come to when trying to get dress clothes that cater to specific missing bits. She makes capes with slits down the middle to expose the spine sticking out. They make one leg on a pantsuit sheer to see the bone. She makes gloves that hook onto the radius and ulna.

She's also a good person to go to if you want some flowers engraved on your bones. :)

Overall she's just. They struggled a lot with being raised but ended up being so proud of the Forsaken and what they've been through, and they end up just being. A real positive force to them bc I've always seen clothes and appearance really important to someone's self-image, at least to me. She wants others to feel as good in their skin, what little they have of it, like she finally does. And it took them a while to get there but they got there and I'm so proud of her 😭🥺🙌

[torivikachu]

I was just listening to Hamilton AGAIN - yeah I just put it on while working all the time - and it just hit me how really relatable Hamilton (or I mean, Lin-Manuel's interpretation of him) is. well, at least for me.

if you're wondering if this is worth your time it is NOT

anybody except me likes lists? I like lists. so let's make a list!

also let's see how many quotes can I fit into this post

whoa, I am excited about it.

1. the moment he meets Aaron Burr, he just sorta searches for something to bond over. like, hey dude I heard you went to Princeton? I wanna go there too, let's bond over it! by the way, I punched someone there lol I swear I am not stupid aand Burr, like um, no, thanks really, I better go, you seem violent, my parents wanted me to go there, okay, and Ham like WHOA YOU AN ORPHAN? WOW I AM TOO IT'S LIKE FATE OR SOMETHING LETS BOND and Aaron like wtf dude just shut up

and honestly that's just me, if I meet a person I like I will latch onto anything and I get sorta...fixated? so yeah, this dialogue is relatable as fuck

2. and Alex doesn't shut up, but then he goes all or am I talking too much?

bro, your anxiety shows.

3. and he keeps ranting all through the show, but his rants seem to charm everybody while I think mine just annoy and scare away? whatever, moving on, with Washington asking him why are you upset and he's replying IM NOT like a fucking teenager and it's probably a small thing but it's relatable as hell

4. and then once he is given permission he dives and buries himself into work, never does things halfway and is eager to take on more responsibilities and do something new and is just generally non-stop and while I can only wish for same energy as he, I like to have a lot of work aswell (well I sure as hell whine about it a lot but Hamilton does too! what's with I havent slept in a week I was weak I was awake you've never seen a bastard orphan more in need of a break)

5. he's flirty and has no qualms with innuendos. and very forward with his feelings? like you strike me like a woman who has never been satisfied sounds like a pickup line that either gonna win him a lot more than a number or fail miserably. he's like going all out, wearing his heart on his sleeve, and if it takes fighting a war for us too meet it will have been worth it and like seriously? yeah, flirt with every person in the room without skipping a beat, why not? he literally said on one intake of breath mr lafayette hard rock like lancelott i think your pants look hot laurens i like you a lot. he compliments people, he just throws it out instantly, most times he meets someone for the first time he compliments them and it's kind of my strategy too? it's not even a strategy, I just blurt out everything I like about a person once I meet them. it's like embarassing, because I liked a piece of jewelery on my co-worker once, and she was talking about something important while I could barely keep up because I kept thinking wow it looks great I gotta let her know. this strange need of mine to voice all thoughts annoys even me sometimes,

6. and then again, when he is angry or doesn't like something, it's painfully obvious. I don't tend to sprout profanities to people I don't like or saying stuff like madison you mad as hatter son take your medicine or you must be out of your GODDAMN mind or you absolutely right John should have shot him in mouth that would've shut him up but I can't school my face so it is always transparent what I am thinking about so my dislike is noted and not appreciated. it got me into enough embarassing situations. actually when studied in lyceum (like a sort of highschool) we had a principal and she addressed us as children and told us to call her mom and every time I was like WHAT THE HELL. I remember her eyes landing on me one time she said that and she almost did a doubletake at my facial expression. so the I'M NOT YOUR SON sentiment is not lost on me.

7. he speaks his mind when he thinks advice is in order? um if you love this woman go get her or for once in your life take a stand with pride. I tend to do it too, because I get winded up pretty fast, and I don't think it's always wise, because it's easy to judge from outside. I am pretty much sure that is the reason one of my friends back from school stopped talking to me. she had a bit of situation with her boyfriend and I still think her boyfriend is a piece of shit and she shouldn't have accepted him back, but whatever. wasn't my place to give advice, apparently

8. he gets overexcited? gentlemen of the jury I am curious bear with me are you aware that we are making history? like really I can't imagine ever getting like that at court. well I can imagine, because I get overexcited too, but saying that out loud? i'd be mortified

9. he's never satisfied? I know I already sorta covered it already, but it's more about him eager to learn and do more and feeling that what he's done and learnt is not enough, never enough. I so feel him on this, it's like yeah sure I know 4 languages, but that can't be enough can it? yeah I've got one degree but that's just ONE DEGREE that's like minimum I gotta get more

10. I know I talk too much I'm abrasive and I am not quoting Hamilton I am talking about myself thank you very much

11. he's a whiny bitch: but they don't have a plan they just hate mine -oh yes- or whatever it is Jefferson started it -huh yes sure-

12. forgetting your sons birthday? I forget my own age, sis. these little details just escape my attention. I like forgot it was my boyfriend's birthday this year - we literally live in the same flat. it took me a couple hours and a reminder from facebook. literally. and then I'll try to get away - hahaha it's like me saying to my parents - oh sure I'll some visit in a couple of months (they live in another part of the country) and then in a half a year being like oh wow when was the last time I went home

13. oh, here comes some more heavy stuff - say no to this. I was in a couple situations where I lost this battle. I think I have some polyamorous tendencies? but I am also very posessive and jealous, yeah, not a great mix, I know. so, I might have sorta dated two girls at one time once. well, not really dated, we were just bi-curious with one? we were friends, just... um, trying things. and then at some point I met another girl and it escalated pretty quickly and we sorta got together (oh my god the whole situation was a mess I was so confused about my sexuality back then and so ashamed you have no idea) and I didn't break it off with the first girl, but it was okay since we weren't... a thing? they knew each other but had no idea I slept with both of them. well we haven't really gotten that far with the first one but. and then the other asked at some point if she's the only one I do this with and I lied and a month into this endeavor I realized it was too much and sorta stopped seeing the first girl. we also stopped being close friends pretty soon afterwards. all my "lovestories" are embarassing actually, but this one is also the one I am most ashamed of. and then there were many situations in life when I was attracted to multiple people at the same time and ugh, I don't know, I kind of hate it, honestly. cheating is not okay. it is okay if everybody is okay with the polyamorous relationship though, but I never got to do it. so, yeah Ham's a dick but so am I

and on that depressing note I wanna wrap it up because I sorta killed the mood with that story. i think that's called oversharing?

if you actually read it to this point - wtf, you have nothing better to do or what?

I am not even gonna tag it so people don't have to scroll over that shit while searching for good content really I just like writing

the whole time I've been writing this my cat just kept staring at me. unblinkingly. I can feel her JUDGING ME