#ill just call them that for now lol
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misc older pieces that i likely wont finish..
#splatoon#my art#art#splatoon oc#splatoon art#agent 3#captain 3#maw oc#capn sango#eight#agent 24#ill just call them that for now lol#mercury#coroika#idk the crk tags#sorry#agent 8#pacerphones#?? i think idk#im queuing this up at like 3am sorry
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shenanigans
#pizza tower#peppino#pepperman#the noise#gustavo#spicy hot#suggestive#ONLY A LITTLE#heehee i am FREE from my commission shackles. this is a threat AND warning#gonna post some of the ACTUALLY not sfw stuff soon i think; dont wanna make a twitter for it#they wont be in the main tags but ill put them behind some jokey joke meme pic and then a readmore#bc like even if u put a readmore to cover the images. when its recommended to others from a DIFFERENT post#the first image u used still pops up any way#and i dont want to put peptitties out for everyone to see LMAO#anyway#ive had this idea for ages; peppino getting stuck w pepperman on the their way to a gala#and pepperman is like do not worry my friend; i will simply call in a helicopter to come pick us up :)#and peppino is like WHAT?? dont do that !!!! its just a flat; i can fix that!#but i just now thought of adding the others lol i wanted an excuse to draw them w some fancy hair :)!#noise is like. um. theres no way I can sit here for 20 minutes and NOT embarrass myself. im going to find a rock to sit on#and not look at him#self imposed timeout and naughty shame corner#gustavos comment is from a tag i saw on a post that made me scream laugh#and pepperman watches intently bc that is his muse and he likes committing peppinos form to memory heehee
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lesbians on a different post because the girls need their space ok
#anywho guys i need a reason to call reborn 'ribbon' in this au#its very cute to me and very girly very cute very. just my thing#also cutting ties like how people cut ribbons for an opening. a new start after an end type beat do whatever with that info#tsuna is just tsuna but then again either tsunako or tsunahime#katekyo hitman reborn#r27#sawada tsunayoshi#reborn#oh should i make a fem tag...um ill just call them#ribohime#alr thats my tag for now lol
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images that bring me peace. u simply dont understand. !!!!
#tagging them bc theyre IMPORTANT SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!#twisted wonderland#riddle rosehearts#cater diamond#twst#cayrid#ummmmmmmmm theyre friends they get along they like each other THEY ARE IMPORTANT TO MEEEEEE#guest star trey clover also bc the three of them are a set and mean the world to each other actually#brought to u by them being my faves but also me getting upset that ppl think theyre not friends!!!#also riddle has a voice line in his bday card that trey and cater made those tarts for him!!!!!#listen listen LISTEN trey/cater/riddle theyre soooo shdfkjdsfkjl theres so much there#like platonic or ship either way theyre just. they mean So Much#riddle trusts cater as basically a secondary vice housewarden!!!#cater is so often herding the underclassmen alongside trey and riddle!!!!!!!!!!#he wouldnt be in that spot if riddle didnt like or trust him!!!#theyre friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#theyre friends. ill bite u. <- me fighting with no one LOL#I LOVE WHEN RIDDLE MENTIONS CATER WHEN HES NOT THERE AND HES LIKE CATER WOULD LIKE THIS!!!!!#THATS HIS FRIIIEEENDDDDDD [starts sobbing]#ok god i need to go to bed#but i had a lot of these in drafts for weeks#i just kept forgetting to reread the riddle and cater dorm stories for screenshots#god the way they all get sulky faced over missing cater... heartslabyul you mean everything to me forever#my blatant favorite dorm !!!!!!!!!!!#in the future here having added the cayrid tag#because now I know what they’re called and I need people to Care Them#this is not exclusively a ship post but you know. friendships and ships blend in my mind a lot#At the core there is AMBIGUOUS LOVE AND CARE
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I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently
#facebook always does that 'here's a post from this day 8 years ago' thing. and I see old comments interacting#with people and it's so like.. OOOOO~~ where are they now?? what's going on? how much have they changed as people?#how much are they the same? this is fascinating. i should contact them!!' but then it's like... take that to it's logical conclusion though#you would contact them and then IF they even responded it would take you 80 years to respond and then they would#think there was something wrong or that you were trying to be insulting or something. To contact anyone I need to include an 85 page#disclaimer of all of my social issues & mental illness things. 'If i take 3 weeks to reply I promise it has nothing to do with u' etc lol#THIS is why more people need to be into phone calls/voice calls/some form of audio real time communication/etc.#I think one of the main things that's hard about messaging through text for me is it's so unscheduled and open ended#(plus it takes forever if you're talking about anything in detail and gets very long very quickly)#because like you can send a message and then just get a reply whenever. and then you're expected to reply back whenever#so it's like you never know when the response will come or when a new obligation to reply can come up? so it's like this sudden thing with#no outline?? if that makes sense. whereas a phone call is very like 'hello let's schedule a call from 10am - 2pm on thursday'. And you know#EXACTLY when the interaction will start and EXACTLY when it will end and you can plan around it in your schedule easily.#I have the reverse thing of a lot of people (how people don't pick up phone calls/hate calls/only text)#I would literally talk on the phone with a stranger. I would have a discord voice chat with someone I barely know.#if someone I hardly even remember from elementary school asked to have a voice call with me out of nowhere I would do it.#but if a stranger MESSAGED me?? or someone I barely know sent me a TEXT or something?? I will never reply probably#It's just too vague and weird. and you can't read voice tone over text. and the interaction could last forever with no clear end#point and etc. etc. But a call is like. set. established. clear boundaries. you can read the flow of conversation better. rapport. etc. etc#I get that I guess people feel more anonymous or distanced over text?? but you can have fake phone numbers on the computer. or do like disc#rd calls. or zoom without a camera or etc. etc. Also the distance that's present in text is BAD distance because it just means that tone is#not conveyed properly and you will never truly get a sense of the person's conversational vibe or mannerisms or how well you really click.#ANYWAY ghgjh...... I'm so so so interested in concepts of like.. How did that one kid I used to talk to in elementary school#but then they moved away in 5th grade - how did they end up? what are they doing now?? etc. etc. Like despite the severe social anhedonia#and general lack of connection with others I'm just really fascinated in like.. idk. the human development of it all and like#the concept of how we're actually a million different people through the course of our lives ever evolving in different iterations and etc.#PLUS again. i love nostalgia. sometimes old peple you know might remember a shared memory or can tell you about something you forgot#or etc. like it's SUCH A COOL THING in CONCEPT but I am too socially inept generally speaking lol. which people I still talk to today are#familiar with my 'phone call once every few months' communication style. but strangers would just be like... wtf. And I don't blame them#Sure I literally cannot change the physical health + brain issues i have - but also I know enough to not put others through that lol
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reason #3299874 why i hate tennis twitter: i hate how idealistic it feels to say “omg we’re ALL sort of right.” like there should be a substantial middle ground here somewhere and instead it always feels like im being weirdly diplomatic. people are spreading misinformation about how drugs and drug tests work. people are ignoring the very real and EXPERT opinions that were used in the process of ruling. people are pretending to be oblivious to why players might find the whole scenario upsetting anyway. people are projecting their paranoia about doping onto a case where it isn’t applicable. people are using completely impermissible evidence to prove why he obviously did or didn’t dope. nick kyrgios is an idiot. and we’re going in circles and have gotten no where and at the end of the day whatever YOU say will not change the fact that he did in fact get two positive doping tests AND the experts supported a conclusion of no fault no negligence. so where does that leave us.
#tw doping#idk if this is a trigger warning but ill tag it anyway#i guess im just annoyed at all the stupid takes ive seen#and it’s so frustrating to feel like i cant call those takes stupid or argue against them without aligning myself with a ‘side’#like there is no sides lol. the experts came to a factual conclusion that j have no reason or desire to question#im satisfied with that!#but there are still so many people trying to support him. WHO ARE SAYING THE MOST UNREAL IDIOTIC SHIT#like i cant sit here and watch you say this it’s embarrassing 😭#but if i say ‘hey this is like not true or accurate at all’ now it seems like i’m agreeing it’s a conspiracy or something!!!!#i deleted my original post talking about this because I think i was a bit too annoyed in that one#and did not really think through my opinions on it#so i am sorry for being pretty reactive#i still believe in the gist of what i was saying but I didn’t articulate it well#and it sounded like i was ragging on jannik which i was NOT#anyways. sorry#here we are again
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MOD IS ALSO A WILL WOOD FAN??? first mechs now this... epic
its called having taste /j
but fr: hell yeah i do!! im glad you approve of my music choices nonnie
#not confessions#meta#btw since ive given up on hiding my identity (these are my actual typing patterns now lol) have a fun fact abt me:#the mechs and will wood are heavily associated with eachother in my mind due to me having listened to a singular playlist for three months#>6 hours of listening each day#that playlist was just the entirety of the mechs discography; hawaii: part ii; and all of will wood except icimi and most of ch&t#that three month stint is the only reason i have all of the lyrics to all of those songs memorised. ALL of them.#this is called mental illness /j#but yeah tldr mechs and will wood my beloved#you have good taste nonnie
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i have recently been made aware that it’s not normal to feel discomfort and disgust when people use your given name? like that’s not what everyone who doesn’t like their name means when they say they don’t like their name?? hearing mine makes me cringe and sometimes even makes my skin crawl or my stomach drop and you’re telling me most people don’t experience this????
#if you noticed i took my name out of my bio that’s why#also exclusively using they/them pronouns online now#kinda want to try he/they and a new name i picked out but i am a coward#so ill see how i like they/them for now#is this the catalyst of my enby/trans awakening?#if i was more self aware i would have seen it sooner#tbf i did have a masculine nickname in high school that had no relation to my birth name except for beginning with the same letter#i didn’t come up with it myself but i did like it#and my sister has a different masculine/neutral nickname for me#and when my sister and i would play pretend I was always luke when she was leia#also i made half my barbies ftm trans ….. instead of just asking for boy barbies i transed them#I’ve always hated being called young lady or miss or a woman tbh#makes me feel strange. gives me the ick as the kids say#rambling in the tags#these tags are all over the place but im leaving them to document my thoughts lol#personal#trans#nonbinary#gender questioning#lgbtq+#names
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today i tried to code more
#ik it looks very simple but im gonna make it look nice i swear!!#at least thats the plan lol#but im focusing on databases next to hold the different bfs that can be collected#run now if u dont wanna read a bunch of technical stuff....#main focus is on scary stuff until im confident i can have this site up and fuctional (tho ill draw here and there lol)#ive messed with and learned sql before but havent used it in any practical way#so setting this up is probably not going to be the fastest process#especially since ive never mixed images and databases before#im assuming u save the images to a folder and can just call them from there#every single bf on the site will have a unique id so that makes things much easier#tho i wanna make it so ppl can like decorate their bfs and stuff#dress them up and put backgrounds and items on them#so im wondering how you save those items on the bfs....#and it cant just be a screenshot cause the user should be able to access it again later and move stuff around#web development#anyways yea thats my update for today!#im kind of out of my realm but i dont care this is happening#i dont even care if 5 ppl r interested in this i just wanna succeed at making this whew#but yea i just want that kind of earlier website vibe#specifically like old neopets#or how cs looks right now#so im not gonna like get too overwhelmed!#im doing everything using html and css and js and php i think
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🧸🧃⛈️
#so like late last night i started to get rlly panicky nd upset#bc it's v much looking like im gnna fail my english class. i need to be done next wednesday which means i need to work rlly hard#nd go to school extra to have a presentation nd do tests etc etc#nd im still in pain after surgery nd im rlly depressed bc of my physical health so i just dont think i can be strong nd make it this time#in my almost breakdown i wrote a self referral to the clinic/psych department for personality disorders....#it usually takes them around 2 days to answer you but this time at like 8am they sent me a message AND called me#(i think. im not certain it's them bc i havent checked the voice message or the reply lmaooo. but it should be them)#the thing abt having avpd is now im immediately stressed af nd i regret sending it. i donr wanna check their reply#also it might be bc i wrote a lot abt killing myseld etc etc nd now im worried theyre gnna be like girlie get checked in!!!! lol T-T#i just needed to be very clear nd act frsutrted nd desperate bc i have never gotten treatment in 10yrs nd im TIRED!!!!#my initial reaction is to avoid at all costs nd just pull my covers above my head nd pretend like i dont have to check their reply lol#i dont wannaaaaaa. i take it back i dont want help!!! its fine i dont wanna try or work hard let me rot#why did i do this!!!!! fml. anyway... i'll check later today bc since its early i can still use the excuse of sleepinf thru the days#many ppl working w mentally ill ppl understand that it's normal actually to switch the day around nd sleep during the days sksksk#but also i have no idea how many typos r in here bc im not wearing my glasses whoopsie#yeah.. anyway im gonna try to go back to sleep nd not think abt it#hopefully it wasnt even them calling 🤡 i know i HAVE to check later but not now i can take a few hours#then today i need to figure out if im gnna make one last attempt w my eng class or give up idk what to do
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Not very fond of people like waving off testament’s gender as just a Gear Thing but well at least it becomes funny when people apply it to gears as a whole. Like yeah i can agree with that. It has nothing to do with being a gear tho theyre all just transgender
#okay ill talk about it seriously down here#it does feel like the original intent behind their androgyny was to kind of Other them from humanity#daisuke saying theyve transcended humanity / talking about their ‘inhuman beauty’#i dont want to call it dehumanizing since theres like. a weird positive (…i guess) angle of them being ‘above’ humanity#thats just kind of a trope though. like nonhuman characters without a human concept of gender or sexuality. yknow#but anyway strive didnt really go back on this. they kinda made it a part of their arc?#i think dev backyard says that theyve ‘lived without the concept of gender’ since being turned into a gear#but theres no disconnect from humanity that goes along with that anymore#i like the implication that reconciling with humanity and more importantly their OWN humanity coincided with their presumable transition!#alright now for the part of this i dont like. its weird to assume the gear conversion had some effect on their body and THATS why theyre nb#i think any implications of that are vague enough to be dismissed#i wouldnt even call them Implications its like. messy (and contradictory!) early 2000s phrasing and a theory about 1 line of dialogue lol#early fandom stuff im aware of but dont know enough to talk about aside. nowadays its just used to like#excuse their androgyny. by gamers who cant just. believe that theyre nonbinary because they want to be. lol#not because of anything that was done to their body against their will. or even more simply because theyre just a gear and are Above gender#literally theyre just nonbinary. isnt that cool. i wish everyone could agree this is cool and end the discussion there.#except for me. i can discuss it all i want forever. because im the understander.#whatever. at least the section of testament’s wiki page theorizing about their genitalia is gone now. kissaroo for whoever took that off.#I NEED TO WRITE UP THAT TIMELINE IM LITERALLY NOT KIDDING WHEN I SAY IM AUTISTIC ABOUT TESTAMENT’S GENDER. CLEARLY#the kat goes meow#gg
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all this time to prepare a concept for a rook....... and i have Nothing.
#we're vibing it out in cc tbh!!!!!#crypt baby calls to me lowkey#but the crows are so interesting#and id really love to see more of antoine and evka w the wardens#veiljumpers are fun and so are lords of fortune#and shadow dragons come on.. i love an underground rebellion#i got home from work and lasted 10 whole minutes before i caved btw#my inquisitor from my current playthrough is the one i will use still!! even though his journey is not done. LOL#he's already extremely good friends with solas and trusts him immensely so i am still excited to play through trespasser with him#I JUST WILL GET FOMO SO BAD IF I DONT PLAY NOW#AND I KNOW ILL SEE SPOILERS#ill blacklist everything and click on it every time#itsepost#da yapping#im so bad at avoiding them
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also uh im kind of not thinking about it much because its insane. but if everything goes right (and i mean a considerable amount of things that probably wont go as planned) but if they DO... i will have a major surgery in like two weeks
#vertical sleeve gastrectomy to be exact insert nerd emoji here#i might document a lot of whats going on with it and even take some videos honestly#not to share here other than some oversharing text posts about probably constipation LMAO#but like no one shares whats it like to be mentally ill and go thru vsg and like the process and not many people as young as me get it#feels weird calling myself young on the chronically 13 year old website#but anyone that does post about it posts for like a year and then falls off the face of the earth#genuinely there are so many youtubers that start talking about this stuff#then you find their channel three years deserted and its like man.#i sure hope this means you found better ways to spend your time#and like okay time to get sappy and corny as hell in the notes so go ahead and skip this part idk who even reads my notes hello#but basically everyones that gets this shit is like you gotta find your why#and most of them have kids or like a husband or plans to travel the world or do better at their job#and none of those things really apply to me#i kind of have the perfect storm for being fat#i dont do anything work wise that encourages any kind of movement#im chronically afraid of planes and i cant afford that shit anyways rn#also not very good at romance LOL and never want kids and my entire family is also fat barring my brother#thats not to absolve myself of any of the blame for this shit either like i know i put myself in this situation#i just think like wow my life is pretty much perfect for staying fat but i DONT WANT THAT#I want the highlight of my week to be more than eating takeout man#i want to live life instead of meal to meal to something better#idk what yet maybe jewelery piece to jewelery piece#i could do some serious kandi making while im down for the count#but i dunno man my therapist tells me that in order to feel like a person and not get tired of life i have to do people things and#participate in life yknow?#and its hard to do things like go to the gym talk to people explore fashion styles when i have this overloomingness of being fat#so i guess that could be my why? like i want to experience more of life#i want to be able to walk in a mall and look at all the stores. i want to walk in a mall period. cause it fucking hurts the way i am now#thats all to say the actual “why” that i have is Goddamn it i want to be able to jump from a swing#and not break my fucking ankles
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#when i was a kid I was kinda neglected and my parents didn't like me very much but whatever#in tv there would always be these talent#and they would stare little kids with they parents being THERE and PROUD#so in my kid brain i thought: alright so to better my situation i just need to get really good at something and then they'll care for me#and the only skill i had been complimented on before was drawing#so i started teaching myself drawing#birds because i liked them and plants because i thought my mother loved and later skeletons because i was emo lol#and i think how i am so perfectionist in my art (eventhough i try to be happy with just whatever i make these days)#and i think about that quote of suzanne riveca thats like:#(my art) has to be perfect it has to be irreproachable in every way to make up for it#to make up for the fact that it's me#and about that one tweet that went something lile#sometimes we strive for pervection in our art because we hope to one day create something that doesn't look like we made it#and how i love drawing and hat that knife against my throat that hinges my life on it being good#and how no matter what i do#I can't get rid of that sinking feeling that i always have to struggle and earn my place in someones life#even when i know it's not like that and thats just the mentally ill part of my brain being loud and dumb#Like i got so many issues under controll by now#many reason to be proud! and be positive about things getting better and my own strength#but some part of my brain is still that little girl alone in all the empty rooms#and i can't get her out of there#because the strength that girl needed to make it through is the same strength i need to help myself through the waves of the aftermath#like i feel like to heal i'd need to allow mysf to be weak but that prospect of not holding myself clenxhed like a fist is so scary#and also knowing how bad my brain can be who knowd what would happen lol#and I WISH not every therapist in my city that accepts patients was a weird nutjob#so i could talk to them about it rather than the tumblr tag#but this is the hand we've been given and it's the hand we need to hold or however that goes#a few days ago someone called me charming and that was very nice#tumblr still limiting the tags to 30 😔 how is a girl supppse to therapise herself in that economy????#whatever!!! i am shattering like glass but at least i have viddy games and cool people in my life that like me despite it all and music
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omg.... my new nearest audiology department actually has an EMAIL TO CONTACT!!!!!!! we're so fucking back baby
#looking to register bc i havent had a hearing checkup in like. 4-5 years lol#im supposed to have repeats every 2-3 years but my old audio dept is on the other side of the country....#and my hearing loss has been stable since i was 2 yrs old so its not super urgent to keep track of..#but ive had my current hearing aids for over 6 years now i think which is the average lifespan. and they still work fine#but i really should be taking them in to adjust every six months n get new moulds fitted regularly....... oops#i do replace the tubing but yeah im way behind on maintenance#and considering i wear them like 50 hours a week n im kinda dependent on them at work i need to keep on top of it more#ALSO what i reaaaaally want is ones that have bluetooth connectivity bc when i last got mine that tech wasnt widely available#but now i think theyre nhs standard. so fingers crossed i can upgrade plsss i wanna be able to use them for phone calls n music!!!#i can make a good case for it if needed cuz i need to use headphones at work sometimes#actually might be able to get an access to work grant for bonus hearing aid equipment..... i should look into that#i was skeptical for ages bc i had a VERY old roger mic as a kid which was effectively a box on a lanyard i had to give to ppl#it was clunky as shit and had awful sound quality i gave up using it after a year or two#but now they have very sleek n subtle ones n the tech has improved so much like it filters bg noise n can connect to tvs n shit#so would be really useful in meetings or when im like. at a restaurant or somewhere w a lot of bg noise....#ahhhh itll take time to get everything sorted tho. need to start w just getting this audiology referral in place#ill swing by the gp practice after work tmr and ask for an appointment for that#need to get dressed and leave the flat.... but i dont want to 😔#in a bit....#.diaries
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Okay fineee finally getting back into figuring out an original comic of mine i plan to draw and publish. Well two✌ comics maybe three the third one i wanna make a movie or animation. They're The original stories ive had forever but keep losing inspiration for but that always live in my head ones like danger days meets the matrix meets the terminator and im working on my style guide for it rn getting inspiration back and sketching the creature designs. That ones science fiction post apocalypse gay dystopia and the other one would be like. Short like one part while the dystopia one would be like a series or at least multiple issues but the second one is apocalyptic fantasy and kind of cosmic horror? But its not really horror it just has the same like. Unexplainableness. Its just kind of sad tbh its like. Hopeful but somber but Weird and has a nuclear war and powers and mental illness and genderless entities and a lonely god and queer love facing an apocalypse together and life and reincarnation and ends and beginnings and just. Its my darling. And the third one i want to be a film of some sort is straight up horror lol a lot of body horror and like. Its a hopeless apocalypse it doesn't have a happy ending. Im thinking since i dont know like. cgi or anything. Im thinking of making it a mixture of live action for the characters and stopmotion for the Creatures since i could greenscreen them in if i just make them puppets. itll be a project for when i have free time and money for an adobe subscription lol. If you guys wanna hear abt any of these i might make a sideblog if i start drawing the comic until then just ask me abt any of these and ill gladddly infodump lol. Gay matrix terminator danger days dystopia is for now called In Our Dreams(we can be complete) the weird fantasy apocalypse one always been loosely titled The Stargazer but i could call it Sending My Love(from the other side of the apocalypse) to match lol. And the third one i just call the Bonepocalypse. Also these all came from wild dreams i had like the universes i fully dreamed up its crazy
#oh i have a fourth one too but its not a comic ill write it one day itd just be a novel or something but im self conscious of it bc its like#WEIRDLY similar to good omens eve though i came up with it before i ever saw good omens before the show ever came out#but its gay too lol basically the antichrist and a fallen angel fall in love and stop the end of the world#and rebel against heaven and hell#except neither of them know theyre an angel or the antichrist the fallen angel doesnt have their memories of heaven and the antichrist has#been raised normally and like is contacted by hell like gien visions of what they want hik to do but he doesn't know its real he thinks its#schizophrenia and its. its a crazy story and its my bby i cant wait to write my experiences through them mainly my boy Atlas the antichrist#also did i mention hes transgender#figures lol but yeah i cant wait to write my feelings of transgenderism as somthing holy while being seen as unholy and psychotic and#hhrhhdhdh.#also theyre gay as in theyre queerplatonic partners that kiss sometimes. theyre just soulmates that face the apocalypse together#so if you wana ask abt that story its just called Atlas and Emily for now
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