#ill do more later idk if i have time tonight i have work tomorrow if i can move

[bittwitchy]

i'm the life you chose and all this terrible danger

[kimnjss]

best friend | loy!smau

⤑ series: less of you

⤑ pairing: fratboy!jimin + dancer!reader

⤑ genre: angst!!

⤑ rating: PG13.

⤑ word count: 3.9K

⤑ warnings: kinda sad idk.

⤑ chapter song: the knowing // the weeknd

⤑ A/N: another written chapter because this just would not!! work as a text part. read it and let me know what you think bc all im gonna say is... yall..... 

DECEMBER 23RD, 2019 | 17:34

[17:34] she's my girlfriend: just to push it a few hours... or maybe rain check for tomorrow? promise to make it up to you.

“'We'll go to the place you like this time, hm?'” Jimin reads the thread of messages flooding his phone sent from you out loud. Back slouched against the couch, mind working a mile a minute to figure out what kind of emergency could Miju be having right now. And why were you always so willing to drop everything to be there for her.

Being bitter was the last thing that he wanted. Rocky roads with your best friend are something that takes a long while to sort out for girls, he could see that. Just hoped that you'd soon realize that something's gotta give. That he wouldn't always be so keen on letting Miju shift the plans that he made for the two of you.

All of this could definitely be fueled by the fact he's now pushing telling you what he should have a long while ago until the next time you were both free to spend time together. It won't be that bad, right?

[17:36] to – she's my girlfriend: yeah, baby. it's fine. if things clear up before late, let me know nd ill come pick you up.

The best he could do at this point, he'd just wait for you to have a free moment. He was done pushing this off, knew that speaking to you should've been at the top of his list since he found out about it. Would've been able to do it today if it wasn't for Miju. Would there ever be a time where he wasn't falling second to her?

“What's with the scowl on you face?” Yoongi's voice is breaking through Jimin's thoughts as he crosses the living room, entering the kitchen. He rummages through the cabinets before pulling down a box of cereal, head cocked to be able to see Jimin who's shifting his position on the couch.

“Yn canceled on me.” Saying it out loud made him feel shittier than he had been originally. What kind of boyfriend couldn't buck up when their girl had important matters to tend to? Got sulky because she needed to handle an emergency. At least she had the decency to text him about it, right?

You could've just stood him up.

Yoongi doesn't stop the snorted laughter that falls from his lips, shaking a large amount of cereal into an even larger bowl. He moves toward the fridge to fish out the half-finished carton of milk he hid behind Joonie's growing vegetable collection.

“What she finally get tired of you?” A lighthearted joke directed to his best friend that has Jimin's eyes rolling instantly. He rises to enter the kitchen where his friend had just sat at the island.

See? Why couldn't girls make up like this? Had, had his own dispute with Yoongi weeks ago and they were back on speaking terms – the normal way. No need for some serious sit down that wasted both of their time. Just the understanding of who was in the wrong and the changes that needed to be made to fix it. 

Girls were too emotional, always wanted to talk and talk about everything when really?? telling someone when they're being an asshole is the most effective form of friendship counseling in Jimin's opinion.

“Yeah, right. She's crazy about me.” Jimin gloats, reaching for the cereal box Yoongi had left out and pulling a handful out. “That girl had some type of emergency so she wanted to reschedule... help her sort it out,” He shrugs his shoulders, opening his palm to pick out the marshmallow pieces instead.

“Her friend? You mean Miju?” Nodding, Jimin drops the cardboard tasting pieces back into the box, dusting his hands off in front of him. “Wait. Miju told Yn that she had an emergency which made Yn cancel on you?”

With a short laugh and a roll of his eyes, Jimin is nodding again. “Yes, that's what I just said. You feeling alright, buddy?” He teases, not noticing the perplexed look on his best friend's face.

It takes a few short seconds for Yoongi to put the pieces together, eyes widening at his realization. There's no way she'd do anything like that, right? He had been talking to her for weeks and it seemed like she had given up on her whole 'catch them in the act' plan. But this wasn't catching them in the act, this was just... wrong?

And there was Jimin, no the wiser, picking marshmallow pieces out of the cereal box without a care in the world. He had to tell him. That's what any self-respecting best friend would do. Especially with the growing regret in the pit of his belly, the knowledge of the mistake he made with letting the information slip.

The last thing he thought Miju would do was try and ruin this for Yn. Had it set in his mind that if she was able to get through this maturely with his help then she'd start looking at him the way that he had hoped she would. Maybe he was wrong.

That was a conversation for later, though. Right now, he had to prepare Jimin for the shit storm that was coming. The shit storm that he had unintentionally caused when he refused to mind his business.

“I don't think Miju actually has an emergency...”

DECEMBER 23RD, 2019 | 17:49

 With a quick tap to your thumb over the blue button, your promise to try and make it tonight was being sent to your boyfriend. Ooh, your boyfriend. Just thinking sent a flutter through your chest.

Your boyfriend. Jimin. Park Jimin was your boyfriend. Yours. And you were his. And finally, you were starting to feel comfortable with him. Despite everything. It was like nothing could put a damper on the shine in your heart.

Not even the walk up to Miju's front door, knowing the conversation you were about to have. The conversation that you were going to have to force onto her no matter how much she tried to fight it. You were done feeling guilty, you were done lying to her. Finally ready to just be at peace with Jimin and if she wanted to support you great, but if not?? too bad.

Definitely, Jeongguk speaking, but you were sticking to it. If she didn't want to support you, then too bad!

The front door is swinging open before you even have the chance to knock. Miju stands opposite of you, wearing a pair of frilly shorts and a tank top despite the chilly weather outside. She greets you with a large smile, waving you into her warm home while stepping out of the way for you to enter.

DECEMBER 23RD, 2019 | 17:47

“You told her!?” Words can't describe how angry... how betrayed Jimin feels right now. Out of all the low things he could imagine someone he had referred to as a close friend doing to him? This had to be the lowest.

It wasn't a secret that he wasn't a huge fan of Miju, so why did Yoongi think that it would be a good idea to share his business with her? All because of his stupid crush? A crush that was pretty much one-sided at this point. The boy needed to open his eyes and realize that she was using him. For this exact purpose.

“Listen, I didn't think-” Yoongi starts, but Jimin is cutting his words. “Didn't think what? That she'd do something irrational with the information you've given her? Use what she knows as a way to hurt Yn, you didn't think she'd do that? And for what reason?”

Jimin was the most laid back in the house, what pissed him off pissed him off but he was never one to raise his voice. Always one to keep a level head in an argument, careful not to let words slip that might ruin things in the long run.

But right now and lately? It's like Yoongi has been testing his patience almost on purpose. For what? He had no clue, but he was starting to get tired of it. And it was starting to show.

Yoongi could see it. That he had royally fucked up. That Miju wasn't the person that he thought she was and it would take a lot more than just a few late night conversations to get her to see the error in her ways.

Her only focus was getting back at Yn for humiliating her and sleeping with Jimin. Nothing else mattered. No one else mattered. He was starting to see that now.

“I've been talking to her and she seemed-” Yoongi stops himself this time, the fact that he's been keeping quiet contact sort of a secret up until this point. Knew that it wouldn't sit well with his friends if they knew he was getting close to them who they all perceived to be the bad guy.

She never seemed all that bad to him, though.

“Jimin, be honest. Do you think she'd really go ahead and tell Yn? I mean, you guys were pretty fucked up for going behind her back – but do you really think she'd stoop that low?” Yoongi's words have Jimin's eyebrows lifting, hiding underneath his bangs.

What type of seed did that girl plant in his best friends head that had his mind all screwed up? Could he not see the blaring signs right in front of him? Was he just that against lying or was he really this pussy whipped?

Level headed, level headed. “Are you really trying to blame me right now?” He tries not to hiss his words but can't help the way they slip through his teeth. “Yes, Yn was wrong for lying about our relationship and I guess I was wrong for going along with it. But-,” 

Hit with a sudden headache, Jimin is stopping his words. Hands washing over his face as he paces around the kitchen. A sigh leaves Yoongi's lips, his butt sliding off of his seat to make his way over to his friend.

“Look, Jimin. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything,” It really had been an accident. He didn't agree with how Jimin was going about things, but he would never sell him out like that. They were best friends, it just came out. And he's telling him all of that, Jimin only half-listening past his racing thoughts.

Desperately trying to figure out how he was going to fix the mess that was being made right now as they stood here talking. “I need to call her,” Rushing to find his phone, Jimin is quick to scroll through his messages to find your contact.

DECEMBER 23RD, 2019 | 17:52

“You came fast,” Miju notes with a smile, watching as you loosen the belt of your light coat, pulling it from your shoulders. It falls heavy on the couch with the added weight from your phone in the pocket. “Yeah, you said it was an emergency.” You nod, taking a moment to peak around for any 'emergency signs'.

The air is tense, tight. Suffocating in a way. There's this awkward silence looming over the two of you as she stands there staring with those big accusing eyes of hers. Clearing your throat, you reach your hand up to push your hair back. 

“What's the emergency?” You wonder, generally curious what had her texting you 911 when everything seemed fine? 

The usual pout that she wears settles on her lips, eyebrows furrowing slightly to add to the whole look. “It's in the kitchen.” She turns without another word, leading you out of the living room and into the kitchen.

And you follow behind her, eyes landing on the mess littering the kitchen counter. “I have nobody to make everything but the kitchen sink cookies with me.” Her arms spread out at all the different ingredients she has laid out, peaking over her shoulder to shoot a large smile in your direction.

“We use to make these all the time when we were younger, remember? And this morning I woke up craving them, which is so weird because I never crave sweets.” She's moved to the other side of the counter, picking up the half beaten bowl of batter she left out. “And who better to share these treats with than my best friend, right?” She smiles, but there's something else written in it. 

You don't have a second to analyze it because she's waving you over with a wooden spoon, handing you the utensil once you're close enough.

“Was this really it? I had plans tonight...” Despite the disappointment in your tone, you're still taking the spoon from her hand, reaching for the bowl that she had kindly set out for you.

Miju's ears perk at the mention of your plans, wondering if you'd actually let it slip what you had intended to be doing tonight. “Plans? Who with?” She asked, feigning curiosity, although she knew all the answers to her questions.

“Just plans. And when you said emergency, I didn't imagine you meant baking cookies?” Not paying much attention to your words, Miju busies herself with reaching for the sugar, measuring some out into her bowl.

“It's not about the cookies, it's about our friendship, Yn.” Her attention quickly shifts to you, pinning you with that 'duh' expression that she likes to pull when it seemed like people just weren't getting it.

Your friendship. Right. So right now is as good as time as any. If she had been thinking about your friendship recently, then she'd maybe take the news well, right? Not blow it out of proportion once you're able to give her all the details, remind her how much you thought about your friendship the entire time. How hard it made things for you. Jimin. And that you were done lying and sneaking around, that you were ready to come clean to her. For the sake of your friendship.

“Actually, it's funny you say that, because-”

Her words overlap yours in panicked haste, bowl clambering onto the counter, the large spoon falling suit. “And I've been really sad, lately!” As expected, she's hitting you with a large pair of sad eyes, paired with a pouted lip. She doesn't wait for you to ask what's wrong, she doesn't need to. Know that you'd listen despite the fact you were literally in the middle of a sentence.

“I know we haven't really been talking to each other, about boys and stuff... but I found out earlier that.” She pauses, reaches to push the loose strands out of her face. “Jimin is moving... to New York! And things have been so weird?? with him lately. I'm just- I can't believe he's leaving.” There's a whine in her voice, paired with a stomped foot.

But your mind is so far from whatever fit she's throwing. Eyes blinking slowly as you try to register the words that had just come out of her mouth. Jimin was leaving? Like moving, leaving? Packing up and going to New York... and he didn't tell you?

No way he wouldn't tell you something huge like this. No way he'd leave you clueless for God knows how long until you're finding out in your best friend's messy kitchen in the midst of making cookies. No way he'd do that.

“Jimin's leaving? How do you know that?” She must've got the wrong information, overheard it wrong. Jimin wasn't leaving. He wouldn't just leave and not say a word to you about it.

She's raising her shoulder in a slight shrug, eyes focused on the thickening cookie batter. “Yoongi told me.” Yoongi? As in Jimin's best friend? So if he was saying it then it had to be true, right?

“Yoongi told you? Or you just heard it?”

Miju's sucking her teeth at your pestering, facing you to get a good look at your face. Taking in the distraught crinkle of your brow, the frown on your lips, the widening of your eyes. “He told me. Jimin is moving to New York. Next semester.” She repeats, slowly just in case you couldn't hear.

Her brow furrows in mock confusion, head tilting to the side slightly. “Why do you look like that? Does Jimin moving mean anything to you?” She lets out a laugh to add to her facade. “I should be the one frowning. I mean, it's my crush moving six thousand eight hundred and sixty-three miles away. I looked it up.”

Miju doesn't take her eyes away from your face, lifting her hand to suck the batter from her thumb. You can only imagine how you look right now, could literally feel your heart shattering in your chest at the thought of Jimin being so far away.

Being so far away and not telling you about it. There was no telling the way it showed on your face right now. “You're getting really worked up over a guy that you're not even interested in, Yn.” She pushes, dropping her spoon again to set her hands on her hips, looking at you expectantly.

Jimin was leaving and he didn't tell you. He kept it from you. He lied to you. The two of you didn't lie to each other. Maybe to other people together, but never to each other. And here was Miju, staring at you – enjoying this all too much. She knew, didn't she?

That's why she had invited you over. That's why she made up this whole stupid cookie emergency. What? Did she want to rub it in your face? 'You may have stolen my crush but he's been lying to you this entire time'. Well, she won.

“Are you mad? That's so weird. You're mad?” She continues and you can feel your blood boiling just from the sound of her voice.

Droning on in your ear as if she had no end. Asking if you were mad, wondering why you would be mad about someone that you had no involvement with whatsoever moving away. Why would you even have an opinion on the matter whatsoever? It's not like you're the one that's in the love with him – and that's where you snap.

“God quit it! Alright!? I'm with Jimin, okay? Is that what you wanted to hear? He's my boyfriend. Happy?” Voice much louder than you had intended it to be and you see her flinch from the way you're yelling at her.

Yet, you can't stop yourself. Can't find it in you to use your inside voice. “Is that why you called this whole fake emergency? Not two fucks given about 'saving our friendship', or whatever bullshit you made up. Just wanted a chance to get back at me?” 

“You've been lying to me for weeks, yn! And you're supposed to be my best friend!? Best friends don't lie to each other.” You don't bother to mask the bitter laugh that falls from your lips.

Best friend. Best friend. The way she threw the word around as if it meant nothing. Treated it like it meant nothing. Just a label. Only close because you lived that way, but all the other best friend elements? Zero to none. The way she went out of your way to do all of this just proved it, more than anything.

“Are you supposed to be mine? Have you ever stopped to think why I felt like I had to hide this from you, huh? Or did you even think about how much it was killing me knowing how badly this would hurt you? Because that's the last thing that I wanted to do.” You're not yelling anymore, voice oddly level. And it's more off-putting than the sound of your shout.

“And I bet you thought I jumped at the chance to be with him, huh? Did you think for a second that I tried to fight my feelings for in, for your sake, and couldn't? Fuck all of that, right? Why would you have to worry about that, it's not like it matters, right? No, fuck the fact that I've actually fallen in love with the guy – which is much more serious than a stupid crush, might I add. Fuck all of that, because it makes you unhappy, right?”

There's more at the tip of your tongue, so much more than you've been holding back for the past seventeen years. Things that you didn't even think had bothered you before, but it's like the list keeps going on and on. You want to lay it all out, but your head is such a mess and it feels like everything is slipping all at once.

Tightness growing in your chest and spreading to your cheeks, eyes feeling heavy like they always do before you start crying. Sad about Jimin. This stupid friendship that you wanted so badly to save. Realizing that you had been the only one that cared that much.

“You don't love him. You were just trying to take him away from me like you always do...” Her words have your eyes bulging out of your head, jaw-dropping in disbelief. This girl really didn't quit, huh?

“What?” You try because maybe you didn't hear her right. Maybe she didn't disregard all of what you had managed to get out, focusing on the one bit that had absolutely nothing to do with her. “Name one thing that I've ever taken from you, Miju. Because how I remember it I've been bending over backward just to keep you from falling apart.”

She scoffs, rolls her big eyes before answering. “Yeah, exactly. You were always looking down on me. 'Ooh, poor little girl can't take care of herself, let me swoop in'. Always two steps behind me all the time, making sure nothing happens, protecting me when I never asked you to!”

“You're mad because I looked out for you?” Disbelief is evident in your tone. Slightly convinced that she might be joking, because if she was really mad about something like that then she should've learned to hold herself up a long time ago.

Not made it seem like she was so needy all the time, acting helpless until you were forced to swoop in and fix everything. Like you always did. Without a moment of hesitation, but not anymore. Way past over it. Over the worrying. Over this fight. Over this conversation. Over her.

“I can't do this,” You're deciding with a shake of your head, a defeated raise of your arms. “I can't even be around your right now.” You're turning to leave the kitchen, scooping up your jacket discarded earlier.

Miju is hot on your trail, flops hitting against the hardwood as she moves to catch up with you. “Wait. Where are you going?” You don't say anything as you pull your jacket back on, her being the least of your worries at this point.

There were more important things than this childish back and forth with her. You had tried to tell her, the right way – maturely. She didn't want that, and instead came up with this whole plan to do what exactly? Hurt you as you had done to her? Make you feel humiliated? Great, she did it.

Got her way like she always did, you just couldn't bring yourself to care like you always do. “I'm going to see my boyfriend.” Eyes piercing as you lift your gaze to her, tightening the bow on your coat before turning and exiting her house.

Letting the door slam behind you without bothering to look back. 

PART TWO OUT TOMORROW!

– girl code rule #1: never, ever, under any circumstances fall for your best friend’s crush. but what happens when your best friend’s crush checks all the boxes of your ideal guy… and to make matters worse… he’s crazy about you too.

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A/N: timestamps make sense throughout the fic. to be added to the taglist, send me an ask !! feedback is highly !! appreciated, it’s the motivation i need to keep the fic going nd fun for you guys!!<33

[glitxhwayventeen]

Lonely Hearts Club

Seokmin: Chapter 1 (One More Light)

Characters: Seokmin x female reader

Genre/Warnings: multi-member au (different scenarios), werewolf au, fantasy, angst, potential blood mentions, genocide mentions, runaway mentions, emotional manipulation? (If you can call it that? Idk you decide), mental illness (depression implied), sexual mentions, mentions of death, mentions of violence. Any others will be put as warnings when future chapters are thought up/written.

Author’s Note: This story is gonna be a bit of a heart puller. Sorry. But for this chapter anyways, I recommend listening to One More Light by Linkin Park because it really goes well with this chapter.

Please remember that all of these chapters and the content within them are a work of fiction! They’re just for fun/entertainment!

Bold= Dialogue Italics= Thoughts

🥀

Lonely Hearts Club Master List

Chapter 1: One More Light

The way you moved was devastating. The way you laughed was harmonious. The way you smiled was infectious. The way you smelt was intoxicating. He’s been so giddy ever since you came through their doors. He finally found you.

His brothers had told him to wait and be patient, but who was he kidding, waiting was impossible for someone like him. He always had so much love to give. When he loved, he loved with all his heart. So it’s no surprise that he was already in love with his mate that he’d only known for a few days. He had told you he had imprinted on you the day after you woke up from your injury, three days ago. Your response was less than ideal, you simply let out an “okay” and walked the other way. He couldn’t lie, your reaction stung him a bit, he wanted you to be just as in love with him as he was with you.

You were really cold to him. Colder than you were with anyone else in the house. But he understood that that can happen sometimes and that it could take you some time to come to terms with having a mate. He was just hoping that time would speed up so he could reach his happily ever after sooner.

-

As you walked downstairs for dinner, you saw him sitting there again. Your eyes automatically went to him when he was in a room, you couldn’t stop it. No matter how hard you tried, your body’s natural reaction was to want to see him. He was already looking at you, before you had even made it fully down the stairs, with stars in his eyes. You couldn’t help but scoff under your breath.

Your stupid instincts once again had fucked you over. That’s what that new feeling you felt on the first day was, you had imprinted on a young wolf in Seungcheol’s pack. But You didn’t want a new mate. You didn’t NEED a new mate. You just wanted to be left alone. You just wanted to be left alone to die. But NOOOOO. They HAD to come and play heros and save you and keep you from seeing the end of a silver bullet. You understood that they were just trying to help, so you weren’t really upset with them, just more so sad that you had to continue with your shitty life.

While you were sitting down at the kitchen table eating, you could feel his eyes on you, watching your every move like you were some sort of goddess. The feeling had your skin tingling. You hated it. Because, now that you had a mate, you knew you could go into heat. You’ve never had that problem before, you weren’t mature enough back then to experience it. But you knew it could end up VERY bad if you weren’t careful now that you were able to go through it.

Being in the same room with him was getting harder and harder. It felt like the room was getting hotter and hotter. Like you were suffocating in his delicious aroma. You couldn’t keep this up. By tomorrow, you knew you’d want to hump his brains out. And you DEFINITELY didn’t want that to happen.

You couldn’t deal with it much longer, as you finished your last few bites of your dinner, a reeling hot flash hit you when your eyes met and he looked deep into your icy blue orbs. You were sweating and you felt like your every layer of skin was being peeled back to expose all your nerves. The slight breeze in the room was making things that much worse. Fuck. You HAD to get out of there before this shit got more out of hand.

You quickly got up from your chair and washed your plate in their sink. It startled quite a few of the pack members around you and their mates because no one else had done that just yet. The boys could… smell- that something was different about you. They didn’t know what exactly as they had never even been around or heard of a female wolf before, but they still knew SOMETHING was weird with you. They just couldn’t put their finger on it. Even so, they tried to continue their dinner as nonchalantly as possible as if nothing was out of the ordinary.

“Well SOMEBODY’S in a rush” joked Joshua, who had his mate all but sitting on his lap feeding her portions of her food.

“Yeah (Y/N). You good?” Mingyu asked in a similar manner, but you could see he was actually curious as to why you wanted to make a sudden exit from the table.

“Yeah. I- uh- I’m fine. I just need to head back to my den tonight. I’ve been away too long and I- um- I need to go make sure everything’s alright.” You stuttered while not looking at any of them and with quite a bit of hesitation. You were hoping none of them would question why you were so on edge and why you wanted to leave. But obviously with Seokmin there, your hopes had been smashed to pieces the second he spoke up.

“You’re leaving??? You can’t leave! I mean- I didn’t mean it like that but- I mean, you still aren’t healed properly. You could get hurt again!” The frantic words left his mouth as soon as you had finished your own sentence moments before.

You couldn’t leave him, he just found you. He HAD to make you stay somehow. He couldn’t just let you walk away without knowing whether or not you’d come back to him. His heart was beating out of his chest in panic, what was he gonna do if you left him??

“I’ll be fine. I’ve taken care of myself for a long time now. I appreciate you guys helping me out but-” you tried to brush off their worry, wanting to make a quick get away as soon as possible. But Seokmin stood up from his seat and hurriedly retorted your little speech.

“But nothing! You still have a hard time walking around without holding onto something. There’s no way you’re leaving in this state!” He gestured with his hands as he got closer to you.

God, did he have to smell so fucking good? You had to shake the thought off, you had to control yourself. You had one focus right now and that was to leave before you did irreversible damage.

“Who are you my father? I can leave if I want to!And i WANT to leave! I have other things I have to do and I won’t put them on hold any longer! I can’t!” You punctuated your sentence by throwing your hands in the air.

“Seokmin’s right (Y/N). You still aren’t doing your best. If you’re not careful, you could get yourself killed. It’s probably best you stay here at least for another few days.” Hansol tried as the pack’s resident doctor in an attempt to keep his brother from going crazy at the idea of losing his mate so soon.

They all really liked you, even if you weren’t… the warmest person towards their packmate. They all could see you were just putting on a brave face. They didn’t want you to go run off and get yourself in trouble without them backing you up.

“I can’t! I have important business to attend to this week. I can’t put it on hold just because I’m still not 100% better. I have to go” you say, standing your ground as best you could with Seokmin standing right in front of you with his stupidly warm glowing aura that made you wanna tackle him to the ground with kisses.

You just wanted to grab his beautiful face and let him take you right then and there from the way he was biting his lip while looking at you. The thought made you shiver. But you couldn’t give in to those thoughts. You WOULDN’T give in to those thoughts. You didn’t want a new mate. You didn’t want him, you had to keep reminding yourself. But You NEEDED to get out of there, for both your sakes.

Seokmin was in a panic. He couldn’t lose you. What if you never came back? What if you go hurt? What if you ran away? What if he never saw you again? He couldn’t risk losing you. He couldn’t. He looked to Seungcheol, who was sitting at the table stroking his mate’ thigh, for help.

“Okay how ‘bout this (Y/N), You go finish whatever business it is that you need to finish and a few of us will check up on you in a couple of days to make sure you’re alright? That’s fair right? Besides, you’ll definitely need another healing session or two before you’ll be able to defend yourself fully alone again” Seungcheol suggested.

He knew his brother didn’t want you to leave their house, but he also knew forcing you to stay was definitely not the right thing to do in this situation. He knew trying to leash you down would only make you resent them and more defiant. At least this way, they could still make sure you were alright and you’d get some independence. Everyone would win. Seokmin had a little whine emit from his chest at the thought of not seeing you for a while, causing Cheol to look to his brother’s depressed face. Well… everyone would win except Seokmin that is…

“Fine! If that’s what it’ll take for you guys to let me go, fine. But I NEED to leave and I need to leave like yesterday!” You repeatedly tapped your foot to the ground, almost waiting for some sort of reaction from them.

Hansol got up from his seat, “Okay. How about we make sure you get to your cave safely? That way we can make sure we know you got there okay and we’ll know how to find you later for your check up.”

“Fine. That’s fine, whatever. But I need to go now!” you declared while heading for the door, knowing full well you didn’t bring anything to their home but the clothes on your back.

You never really owned anything anyways. You had to move around and run so much that you never thought it a good idea to own too many material possessions.

“Better get going then.” Seokmin said semi-coldly, not really wanting you to leave, but also realizing that he didn’t get much of a say.

-

On your way to your den, it was decided that Hansol, Jeonghan, Jun, and Seokmin would accompany you on the journey. They wanted to be sure they had enough people that would know where you were staying so they had multiple people who could find you later. They wanted an Alpha to go with you to make sure the boys stayed in line, mostly Seokmin, so they had Jeonghan go. Jun went because you were more comfortable with him as you were both foreigners and kind of hit it off, making fast and perfect friends. Hansol went because he was the pack’s healer and he would more than likely be one of the ones to check on you later. And of course, Seokmin went because he wanted to spend every possible second he could with you.

It wasn’t that far, an hour or two’s walk in human form at best. But You wanted to just dash there in your wolf form so you could get there. It irritated you that you couldn’t already shift to a more familiar form that you were used to and felt more safe in. Though you knew the boys with you just wanted to protect you, so you made the slow walk to your little home next to the boys.

“Hey (Y/N). Can I ask a question?” Jun spoke out of no where next to you.

“I mean you can ask, doesn’t mean you’ll necessarily get an answer though.” You causally let out, stepping over a big rock in order to continue your way to your den. You didn’t mean it in a mean way, the boys all knew that, it was just your personality. You preferred to keep things short, blunt, and sarcastic, kinda the exact opposite of your mate’s style.

Jun bit his lip and played with his large thumbs before his voice echoed out again, “Well I mean, I could hear you talking in your sleep these last few nights, We all could. It sounded like you were having quite a few nightmares. Does-Does that happen a lot?” He questioned, trying his absolute best not to offend you in the process.

“Eh. Yeah I guess, it’s not that big a deal though. You get used to it after a while.” You answered, not really wanting to elaborate but also knowing he wasn’t asking in a malicious way, more so in an ‘are you good bro?’ type of way.

“Oh okay. Well then can I ask who- who Cyrus is…?” Jun quietly stuttered again while trying hard to not upset you.

As the boys kept their walk going, you stopped for a moment. It didn’t go unnoticed by them so they halted as well. Jun, worried he had pushed you, tried to lighten the mood some more.

“I’m sorry (Y/N). I didn’t want to dig too deep into your personal life or anything. I just-” Jun spoke before you cut him off swiftly.

“No! I mean- it’s alright. I’d want to know if I was you guys too. I just… I- I haven’t heard his name said aloud in a long time ‘s all.” You responded while looking down at your feet as they started up their pace again.

They began following behind you as you continued with your answer to the Chinese wolf’s previous question, “Cyrus is- Cyrus WAS my mate” you croaked, trying to keep the tears back. You were NOT about to have some people you barely knew see you cry. No, that was definitely NOT happening.

“You- You had another mate?” Hansol said without even realizing he had added the word ‘another’ in his question.

It was still a bit of a touchy subject for both you and Seokmin as you hadn’t really accepted or denied him yet. This earned Hansol a nudge from Jeonghan. Seokmin, who had been staying quiet for most of the journey, was listening and processing your statement attentively. His heart rate sped up, you had another mate? It hurt him to think about it. He wanted to be your only one.

“Yeah. I- I did” you muttered, putting the word ‘another’ out of your mind and focusing on the question at hand, “A long time ago. He’s- He’s gone now. When he died… that’s when my nightmares started- that’s WHY my nightmares started.” You added, almost having reached your cave.

“… How did he- How did he die?” Seokmin let his voice out for the first time since you guys had left the house, startling you a bit.

You again hesitated to respond. You weren’t against talking about it. You just weren’t sure you wanted them to know just yet. You weren’t sure if you were ready for Seokmin to know just yet. But you knew you’d have to tell them all eventually, especially if they kept bugging you about it. So you decided to just sit the dirty laundry out and let it fall wherever it was meant to.

“Jun, you’re Chinese right?” You quizzed, slightly confusing them at the sudden question. They assumed you were just trying to change the subject.

“Yeah... I’m from Shenzhen.” He added, still very curious as to where your random ass knowledge came from.

“… You- You know what Lingchi is?” You say continuing to walk on.

As everyone else still kept walking the way to your den, Jun stopped entirely. His heart dropping at the word that you had linked to Seokmin’s earlier question. That’s what happened to him? That’s what happened to your MATE? The others didn’t understand, they didn’t know Chinese as they were all Korean and really had no need to learn a language that wasn’t used a whole lot in Korea. They knew a few words here and there do to having lived with Junhui and Minghao for so long and having had another Chinese pack for friends, but they never needed to know THAT word. At least, not until now.

“… That’s- That’s how he died?” Jun spoke up and all of you turned around at his distant voice. You could see the tears brimming on the brink of his water lines. He was sad for you. He was sad for your lost mate. He was sad at your whole situation and your whole backstory.

You cleared your seemingly very dry throat, “Yeah,” You said in a small voice, trying your best to hide any emotions that hit you like a rock through a window.

It upset you that while you were even speaking on such a serious topic, you were about to start heat and you still felt it creeping up on you. You tried to shake the dirtier thoughts away and just decided to do your best to get through it in one piece. You really wished that Seokmin would’ve stayed back at the pack’s house. He was making everything sooo much harder for you. You wanted to be able to be upset, but how could you when your every instinct at the moment was telling you to jump his bones?

“(Y/N), I’m so sorry… I- I didn’t know… I wouldn’t- I wouldn’t have asked if I had known.” Jun shook his head to flick the tears back and brought his hand to your small shoulder in comfort, looking at you with almost pleading eyes.

You gave him a small smile and put you little hand on top of his larger one and gave it a small squeeze, “It’s alright. It was a long time ago.” You whispered out, gently brushing his limb from your body as you started walking again, clearly indicating that you were too emotional to keep talking about the subject anymore. The others just followed your movements wordlessly, not really understanding the gravity of the whole situation like their brother did, but knowing that whatever it was you were talking about couldn’t have been good.

-

It was a few more minutes until you reached the mountain opening you were searching for. You had walked in silence the rest of the way there, the evidence of your and Jun’s serious topic still lingering in the air. The others had other conversations they wanted to have, but knowing that you spoke of your last mates demise without actually having an idea of what happened to him made them reluctant to speak.

“Okay.” Hansol finally broke the ice, “We’ll be back to check in on you in a couple of days okay? If you need us, don’t hesitate to give us a howl! Someone’s home at all times. We’ll find you. So don’t run out on us got it?” He joked as he lightly pushed your shoulder as a symbol of affection.

You had taken a liking to Hansol almost immediately, he was a very calm and positive person, he felt like your natural brother already. He made you feel like you were such an outcast and tried to make you feel included. So you lightly pushed his shoulder back playfully.

“Okay okay. I’ll be here don’t worry! Just give me like five or six days to get some stuff done. Then you’ll be able to check on me” you stated as you gave him a big bear hug, though you kept it short so you wouldn’t get too much contact that would aggravate your heat any further.

You went on and hugged the other boys too in similar ways, discluding Seokmin as you were worried that, if you touched him, you’d completely lose it. So you simply just gave him a head nod and said your goodbyes verbally. It hurt him that you didn’t give him a hug goodbye too since it would be a while since he saw you next, he didn’t even know why you wanted to go back to your cave or why you refused to be near him recently. So he took the lack of contact a bit more to heart than you had meant for him to, but still, he said nothing. He didn’t want to agitate you or risk you potentially not coming back due to his actions or words.

-

As the boys left the cave, one sure question was on all three of the boys minds.

“Hey Jun” Seokmin caught his brother’s attention as they walked home and were finally far enough away from your den to where you couldn’t hear them anymore.

“Yeah?” He responded cooly while cruising back down the path home.

“What’s Lingchi?” Seokmin questioned. All three of the Korean boys turned to him as they waited for an answer. Junhui gulped in response.

He really had to explain one of the worst things he could think of to his brothers, one of them being your current mate who would no doubt be seriously disturbed by the sudden declaration of your old mate’s fate. Perfect.

“Lingchi- it… it usually means… Lingering Death. When talking about- well- said death, it means- it means Slow Slicing.” Jun let out as he looked on while shoving his hands in his pockets as he tried to act off his discomfort of the topic at hand.

“Slow Slicing?” Jeonghan questioned, also wanting some sort of explanation or further elaboration on what Jun was talking about.

“Yeah. It- It’s also known as- I think you’d guys call it… Death By A Thousand Cuts.” Jun slowly let his words simmer out, trying his best to not sound affected by the thought of that happening to someone he had known’s mate.

“Tha- THAT’S how he died???” Seokmin panicked, knowing full well how that must have affected you. His heart felt like it had just gained 100 pounds in a matter of seconds.

“Yeah. They usually used some kind of sword… and they kept cutting shallow slices into a person until they bled to death. It’s- Death By A Thousand Cuts- it’s really a terribly slow and horribly painful way to die.” Jun reiterated while kicking a rock close to his feet.

He wasn’t even sure if he should’ve told them to begin with, it wasn’t his mate that met that fate after all, but he also knew that if he were you he wouldn’t have wanted to be the one who explained it. So he took it upon himself hoping you wouldn’t hate him later.

“Fuck.” Jeonghan breathed loudly as he ran his hand through his hair, having finally have reached the house.

“That’s fucking awful” Hansol added.

It was awful. Your mate died in one of the worst ways possible. And, from how bad your nightmares sounded, he figured you must have seen at least some of it. He felt terrible for you. And he was mad at himself for being slightly jealous earlier at the mention of your old mates name now. No wonder you were so cut off from him. You were numb. You didn’t want to go through that again, and he couldn’t blame you. If he saw that happen to you, he’d jump off a cliff and end it all.

Still, he promised himself that night that he’d do everything he could to get you to see that he would stay with you always and that he’d keep you safe forever. He was determined to show you that you’d never have to go through that again. He just needed to figure out how to do that in like five days. No fucking biggie or anything. Little did he know that five days from now, your past mate couldn’t have been further from your mind…

Another Author’s Note: Hi guys! So I just want to put out there that I’m not Chinese, I’m Mexican. I think I used the word right but if I didn’t, PLEASE let me know. I asked one of my friends for help with it, but she only uses conversational Mandarin with her family and isn’t 100% fluent. Everything I’ve looked up says that it’s the right word to use in Mandarin for it and use of the language was kind of essential for this particular chapter as I needed the suspense of having the characters have to ask someone later what it meant. Again PLEASE let me know if it’s wrong or if there’s a better word for it! Hope you guys liked this chapter because the next one will be super fun😉

(Updated 9/8)

[ladyloptr]

•Merely A Maid•

Request: twt@LOKIBARBZ “idk if ill be able to explain this well enough so apologies for that but what if the reader is a maid/servant of the palace and loki notices her just doing her duties while at a meeting or something and when he stands as shes cleaning up the meeting table he notices how much smaller she is than him physically (cough cough size kink) n requests for her to work on his floor more just to tease her n intimidate her cuz hes mean like that. like maybe...... while shes tidying up his chamber he pulls her onto his lap after having a drink or two n starts praising her for being a good servant.”

Fandom: Thor 1

Pairing: Loki x Reader

Warnings: Smut, dub-con, size kink, praise kink, master-servant relationship.

{————}

You’ve worked in the palace nearly your entire life. Your mother came to Asgard with you when you were young, escaping a crumbling marriage. She was lucky enough to be recruited by Queen Frigga, and so, she was hired to work in the Queen’s chambers. You grew up with all the other servant’s children, not allowed to mingle with any of the noble or royal children who resided in the palace.

Your mother eventually passed away, succumbing to the stresses of servantry, leaving you to support yourself. Having no other options, you ended up having to apply for a servants job in the palace, and so here you are, refilling the goblets of court members with ale and Æsir wine.

There is a meeting going on, though you’re not quite sure what is being discussed. Something about someone evading taxes and alliances with Vanaheim, but you aren’t sure. You’ve been too focused on your duties to eavesdrop into matters that have nothing to do with you.

So focused that you’ve neglected to notice the pair of sharp emerald eyes watching you. Apparently, you’re not the only one neglecting to pay attention.

The younger prince’s curiosity is piqued when he realizes has never seen you before. His prides himself in knowing something about everyone, and yet for some reason he’s never seen you before. His eyes drift to your pointy ears, allowing him to come to the conclusion that you’re Ljölsafar (Light Elf).

“Allfather, Lord Fjörnd will be most displeased with your decision. He believes that his region-“

“-Well, Lord Fjörnd is not King of Vanaheim. My alliance is with King Freyr.” The Allfather says. “If he wishes to debate the increase in trade taxes, he may speak to Freyr. This meeting has come to a close, you are all dismissed.”

While all of the court members leave, Loki hangs back, remaining seated while watching you clean up the table. You place the goblets on a tray and use a rag to clean up any drink that may have spilled onto the table. You are confused when you notice that Loki is still there.

“My prince...?”

Loki rises from his seat and it’s then that he becomes overtly aware of how short you are, in comparison to him. Æsir and Vanir women are known for their tall stature, while Ljölsafar women are much shorter.

The fact that he towers over you makes him excited. He is vaguely aware of his dominance kinks, but never truly had the opportunity to explore them. Perhaps, if given the chance...

You avert your eyes to the floor, unable to look anywhere near him while he’s staring so intensely at you. “My prince... is there something wrong...?”

“I am reassigning you.”

Reassigning? You think to yourself. Can he even do that?

“My father placed you in your current position as a general custodial servant, am I correct?”

You nod, keeping your eyes downcast.

“I believe your talents will be useful elsewhere. I am in need of a new chambermaid, as my previous one has retired.” Loki allowing his eyes to shamelessly look over your body.

“I-I don’t have many talents, sir.”

“You are a fast cleaner and you listen to directions very well, from what I’ve seen during that dreadful meeting.” Loki says. “Not many servants in this palace are useful for anything more than scrubbing floors. You will be working as my chambermaid starting tomorrow.”

“How will I know what to do, sir? I haven’t the training.”

“Hildegard will tell you everything you need to know. My requests are very simple and few in number.” Loki drawls. “I doubt you need extensive training for something so uncomplicated.”

“I... understand, sir.” You bow, and gather the tray of goblets and cloth. You keep your eyes to the floor even as you exit the room, and you are quite certain you hear Loki chuckle to himself.

A few months later, and you come to realize why they call Loki the God of Mischief.

You had expected being a chambermaid would be hard work, however, it’s just the opposite.

Most of the work you find yourself doing are the mundane things, such as making sure his bed is neat after he’s gotten up in the morning.

There’s barely any actual work for you to do, as Loki’s chambers are always so spotless, he hardly ever leaves you anything to clean, besides the bathroom of course.

Speaking of the bathroom... he has started asking you to bathe him, and you know that he’s only started doing it just to be mean.

He somehow found out that you’re a virgin.

The mischievous thing, ever since he discovered that information, he’s been terrorizing you. Sometimes he’ll act like a complete fool and ask you undress him, as if he’s suddenly forgotten how to do it himself.

And then there are times he’ll just be downright terrifying. A good example being the one time he asked you a question and opted to stand over you and gaze down at you as if you were his prey and he were the predator. It took a while for you to stutter out an appropriate answer.

A feast is currently going on tonight, in celebration of Thor and his friends coming out victorious in a recent battle, and Loki is surprisingly absent from his chambers. He usually doesn’t attend such things, finding the rowdy crowds of people to be quite distasteful.

You busy yourself with making sure the bathroom is clean, his bed is neat, and his bookshelves are in order. You are so engrossed in your work that you don’t hear Loki enter. He slowly closes the door behind himself and watches you dust around the corners of his chambers.

You yelp in surprise when you turn around to see him standing there staring at you. Your ears turn red as you wonder how long he’s been standing there for.

“I-I’m sorry, my prince... I didn’t... I didn’t hear you come in.”

Loki waves his hand dismissively, then walks by you to sit on the edge of his bed. You notice his movements are somewhat sluggish, so you decide to speak up.

“My prince... are you well?”

“I had a few drinks, I am fine, merely tipsy.” Loki motions for you to come towards him, and so you do, albeit with a bit of hesitation.

“Sir...?”

You let out a startled squeak he takes your waist with both of his hands, spins you around and pulls you onto his lap, your back facing him.

“M-my prince?” You squirm in his strong hold, only exciting him more. “What are you doing?”

“You’re such a good servant.” He drawls. “Such a good girl. I’ve wanted you ever since I laid my eyes on you.” He licks your earlobe causing you to jump. “Ljölsafar are such delicate things. Knowing that I could accidentally break you in half excites me.”

You gasp when Loki starts sucking on the spot behind your ear. He undoes the strings on the front of your dress, and then pulls the fabric down enough for your breasts to pop out. He pinched both of your nipples, rolling them in between his fingers as they harden. You start squirming again, and he clicks his tongue in disapproval.

“Ah, ah, ah. Don’t do that.” Loki warns in your ear. “Be a good girl for me and stay still.”

Loki slips one of his hands underneath the skirt of your dress, his fingers snaking up your thighs. He stops at your panties and rubs his fingers against the damp material. Without another word he rips the cloth, now leaving you bare for him.

“Such an obedient girl. So well behaved.” He mutters, then pushes two of his fingers into you. “So wet. Is this for me, girl?”

You squeal, bewildered by his actions. “M-my prince, I’m n-not worthy-!”

“To the eyes of the court you may not be, but to me...?” He groans. “I can’t wait to deflower you. To be the first to fill you with my seed.”

He gently pumps his fingers, mindful of the fact that you’re untouched, and you arch your back against him in response.

“You are much too tight, my dear.” He chuckles, darkly. “I am afraid I might rip you in half when I take you.”

Despite the fact that he told you not to do it only moments before, you still can’t help but squirm underneath his attentions. You whine when he pulls his fingers out.

“On your knees, girl.” He orders, pushing you to kneel in front of him. You look away as he undoes the placket of his pants, freeing his erection.

Loki grabs your face, forcing you to look at him. Your ears are red and your face is flushed. “You are so bashful. It only makes me want to break you even more.” He tangles his fingers into your hair and tugs you forward, the swollen head of his cock touching the tip of your nose.

“Suck.”

You look up at him, fearfully. You’ve never given oral to anyone, let alone someone of high authority.

It’s not like you can disobey, though, and the scariest part may be that you sort of want to do this for him.

So, you take his head into your mouth and run your tongue over the slit. A loud groan tells you that you’re doing well so far. Your mouth is small, so you’re only able to fit a small portion of his cock in your mouth. You use your hands to massage the rest of his length.

“Ohhh, your mouth is sin.” He hisses.

After few long minutes of this, he pulls you off of him, and picks you up. He turns and suddenly drops you onto the bed, letting out a mischievous laugh when you yelp in surprise.

With a snap of his fingers, his armor and clothing is gone. He hurriedly pulls your dress down and off of you, absentmindedly throwing it off to the side. Your hands grip his upper arms as he cages you between him and his bed. You can feel the head of his cock nudge your entrance. It feels so big, you’re unsure how that’s going to fit.

“My prince... I don’t think I can...”

“You can.”

You blush heavily as your next words leave your mouth. “I... I don’t think it will fit.”

“I will make it fit.”

He hoists your legs up onto his shoulders and captures your mouth into a kiss. You let his tongue slip past your lips, and you soon come to realize that he has been trying to distract you when you feel a sharp pain followed by a burning sensation. He swallows your cries of pain and proceeds to slowly push in further.

By the time he’s fully sheathed inside of you, you’re shaking and your face is strained with tears. He takes his hand and wipes your tears away.

“I am going to move.” He informs you. “The pain will lessen over time.”

You aren’t sure if he’s telling the truth or if he’s lying out of desperation for some sort of release.

Loki slowly rocks back and forth, slightly shaking from restraining himself. All he truly wants is to fuck you through a wall, but that would have to wait. The last thing he needs is the whole palace thinking that he’s murdering you in his chambers.

“I can’t do this forever.” Loki grits out. He’s slowly losing his patience.

“It’s... it’s okay.” You breathe out. “It’s still there... but it’s starting to go away...”

Loki hums in acknowledgment and starts thrusting harder, speeding up his pace. You moan, the feeling of pleasure finally overcoming the pain you were experiencing earlier. He looks down at you, and the sight of seeing your small cunt being absolutely wrecked by his large cock drives him insane.

“Norns, you’re so tight.” He moans. “I could just sit here inside of you for days.”

You sigh, blissfully. You feel properly filled to the brim, his girth pleasantly stretching you out. A high pitched moan escapes you when he starts thumbing your clit, massaging it in tight circles. Something inside of you starts to knot tightly, and you desperately buck your hips up to meet his.

“My prince-! I-“ He cuts you off with another kiss, his hips now frantically thrusting.

“Cum.” He orders, his voice hoarse. “Cum for me. Cum for your prince.”

Your eyes roll back and your mouth hangs open in a silent scream. The feeling of your muscles squeezing his cock pushes him over the edge right after you. He stills and pulls you as close as possible to his body, ensuring that you take every drop of his cum. He gives one last weak thrust before collapsing on top of you.

“I am keeping you.” Loki mutters, his voice muffled by the pillow. “You will not allow anyone else to touch you. You are mine now, understand?”

“I understand.” You say softly.

He rolls off of you, and you’re mildly surprised when he pulls you up against his chest.

“We... didn’t use a contraceptive elixir.” You mutter, somewhat worried about what that might mean for you.

“I know. I did say you are mine, yes?”

“I could be flogged for laying with you, or even killed if I am found pregnant with your child.”

“And you won’t have to worry about that for very long.” Loki says with a mischievous tone. “I am, in fact, next in line to become king.”

You have no idea what he’s planning, but you don’t ask, instead choosing to stay silent.

Before you know it, you’ve drifted off to sleep.

[mollydollyjournals]

Tuesday 5th January; 156.2lbs

I think I was 158.2 before bed last night? So that's...good and bad. Good because it could have been higher, and the overnight 2lb rule was in effect. But bad because...I don't wanna gain weight. Which I did.

It's 10pm now - I just weighed and I'm 158. That's not so bad by comparison. For one thing, I just had some tea not long ago, so maybe some of that will go away. Also I'm not quite going to sleep yet, just lying in the dark, so many actual bedtime weight could still be lower. Having said that, I don't know if the 2lb rule will apply tonight. Or if my scales are even that accurate anymore. My period still hasn't started. I'm not even spotting. So it's kind of late. Maybe I still have bloat weight to gain. But I already feel huge in the places I tend to gain. Idk.

I was looking for something and scrolling through my camera roll. I found my photos from the beginning of September, body checks I guess. I was 158.something, down from 163, and I'd been controlling my drinking really well. I felt less bloated and felt my body shape coming back (definite pear/hourglass) so I wanted to take some photos to see if I could feel a little less terrible about myself. And I did. I still wasn't happy with it at all but even just 5lbs had made a huge difference.

Then a few days later I went out, for the first time since March, in that brief period of time when some places had distanced outdoor settings. I drank so much. Too much. I didn't eat. I threw up - which I don't normally - and was sick for days. It was a bad hangover I guess. But I was really worried I'd damaged my liver. I definitely irritated my stomach. I finally got better, and then I think October I was so alone and unhappy I started drinking more again. I don't know, I don't completely remember. Then November I started this account and not long into that I drank a lot again one day, the same as that day in September, but didn't throw up that time, and got really seriously ill for ages. I'm sure there were 3 occasions this year where I had to recover from something alcohol related and wasn't able to work out etc. So there must have been one in October too. My memory is so bad.

Either way, I found those photos from September today...its been 4 months. God, the progress I could have made if I didn't fucking drink so much. If I lost 10lbs a month I'd be at 118 right now. That's nearly my goal. If I lost 5lbs a month I'd be at 138 which is still way better than this. But instead I'm hovering around 156 after having to lose weight that I gained back after each alcohol/liver episode. The end result is that I've lost 2lbs. In 4 months.

What a fucking waste.

I don't want that to happen again. Not anymore. I don't want the time to pass and to realise I haven't made any progress. I felt a fair bit better today. I did some more active things than just sitting around, and I think if I feel a little better again tomorrow I can work out. I'm going to try anyway. I'm going to stick with my salads and such. I need to do this. I can't handle being this size. I hate it so much. But I just never get anywhere. I really wanted to reach my goal by spring and I had the time. I had the fucking time. Now I don't. I'd have to lose so much weight so fast and it's not doable.

But I'm gonna remember those photos tomorrow. Unless I'm really not able to, I have to work out. That's what makes the biggest difference for me, but it's also the most difficult part. I can use this to get through drinking less as well. It won't be a complete cure, otherwise I would have stopped drinking completely long ago, but it can help.

I'm such a mess. I need to fix things.

[toshisae]

call me baby

summary: in which chenle gives you the entire world in exchange for some love

genre: crack, fluff and another pinch of angst 

theme: ceo!chenle (sugardaddy au but without the sexy shit its just he buys you things in exchange for you loving him ok? ok) 

word count: 2.8k

author’s note: HIIIII ITS BEEN A LONG ASS TIME SINCE I WROTE SOMETHING SO HERES THIS also theres no sexy time unless the sexy time u want is going on an endless shopping spree then this fic is for u!! its just another crack idea i had lol and this is just to get rid of writers block or smth despite having this in my drafts for the longest time

–

you know how people say not to chat with random strangers from the internet?

because it’s terrifying and shit??

well you never listened 

here you are on a friday night on your phone

looking for some 40 year olds to troll

on this sugar daddy app you randomly found one day

not like you needed money or whatever

you lived with your brother jaemin who’s a doctor

so i guess you could say u’re: $$$$

and it’s just that you have nothing to do

what’t the worst that could happen right?

ding!

your phone vibrates in your hand

it looks like you’ve matched with your designated sugar daddy

“congratulations! you’ve matched with 6chittaphon9”

you looked at his profile and saw that he’s a 23 year old dancer

not up for it, you swiped left

“give me the good shit bro” - you tell the phone

you clicked the globe icon on the bottom of the screen

it switched you to a radar where it scans for possible sugardaddies who use the app

a little later your phone dings again

“congratulations! you’ve matched with zhong$”

and when you clicked on his profile,,

you let out a big big gasp 

he’s a 18 year old ..

looking for.. sugar babies??

if you were drinking something then you would’ve spat out that liquid real quick

you swiped to the right and sent this dude a message

“hi”

ok so chenle right

chenle is the youngest billionaire in the world

bye kylie jenner oof

after his father’s passing, his company, zhongs inc. was in his hands

his father’s last wish was to have chenle get married at a young age

but chenle obviously didn’t like that idea

he wanted to experience a normal teenage life where he parties, drinks, date some random girls or whatever a pesky teenager does

so he found himself downloading a sugarbaby app

also just for the lolz like c’mon this is chenle the king of clownery

the c in chenle means clownery wbk

he had the money, the looks, almost anything you need for a man

so he quickly made his account

and not a minute later he already matched with someone named ‘<y/n3’

he sees that this y/n person already sent him a message

so obviously he replies

“hello”

you: asl?

chenle: 17 / m / seoul; u?

you: same except im a female

chenle: well ain’t that obvious

on the outside you bursted out laughing

you: ok capt. crunch so would you like telling me your name or is it confidential

chenle: i mean, i guess its kinda confidential but the company wont know anyway but im zhong chenle 

you: ????? are u important or sumn

chenle couldn’t believe his eyes

chenle: um.. im ZHONG chenle

you: whats so special with your name

chenle was actually quite glad you dont know about his name or his background

chenle: nothing so wyd

it didn’t take awhile for you two to get along 

since you two had the same type of humor and age

you: why are you on this app tho if you are “young and rich”

chenle: i could ask you the same question

you: its friday my dude and im bored 

chenle: well,,,,,,,,,,, idk my friend recommended it to me

you: you’re friends with a bunch of old people?

chenle: nO I MEAN YES?? I MEAN NO 

you: ... are u fucking with me

chenle: no i’m not fucking with you, im talking to u :D 

in the end chenle asks you if it was okay that he’ll send you some money for fun

chenle: yk this app is about sugardaddies looking for sugarbabies right so lets make the most of it and give me your paypal or venmo and ill send you some cash for talking to me <3 

you: wtf chenle no its fine!!! i had lots of fun talking to you and this app is just a whole ass joke but im glad i met a new friend here but its okay dont send me some money !!!!!

chenle: nooo think of it like i’m treating you out for some dinner so please allow me 

you: still ! i wont let you,, till i get to see you so i know youre not some 40 year old i still think you are

chenle: how many times do i have to tell you im really 18 years old ffs but sure, when are you free?

on the inside youre just like: ASJDHJHDUIADHASJKDAHAHD WHAT THE FUCK

you: uhh i have school so i’m always busy hehehe

chenle: then i’ll see you in your school, what school do you go to?

this kid doesnt know when to give up

you: hhhhhhh i guess then i’m free tomorrow 

chenle: GREAT! I’LL SEE YOU ON HONGDAE here’s my number boo

and there you have it

your first unofficial meet up with zhong chenle himself

you were too much in thought about meeting him you didnt even notice jaemin standing there with pizza in his hands

“what are you staring at sis?” - jaems

“uh nothing” you snatched the pizza from his hands

fast forward to tomorrow

you were getting nervous to meet chenle

“hey where are you going?” jaemin takes a peek of you in your room

can he stop scaring you like that

“going out” - u 

“going where?” - jaems

“hongdae”

“cuteee do you have a date today?” he wiggles his eyebrows at you

“no-”

“are you going out with that pizza delivery boy?!” jaemin suddenly gushes

“jeno?” you ask him

“yeah that one” - jaemin

“no, i’m just gonna go shopping” you brush him off

jaemin shrugs and gives you some pocket money to spend

“be safe and have fun” he closes the door of your room

after safely arriving in hongdae, you sat somewhere thats not that crowded

who knows if this chenle person is famous right

so there you were waiting for him to text you or something

and just like that, your phone rings

it was an unknown number

but you answer anyway

“hello this is chenle, may i ask if you are in gongcha right now?” 

you looked around the people who’s passing by hoping to see someone fancy looking holding their phones

suddenly someone stops right in front of you

“found you” 

with that, chenle hangs up and sits across the table from you

“hi, i’m chenle” he gives his hand out for you to shake

and man, you were shookt

he looks like an ordinary teenager 

or a hypebeast for this occasion 

“o-oh .. h-hello” you bow

chenle suddenly laughs at your reaction 

his laugh is beautiful 

“don’t be nervous baby, i mean no harm” he smiles

his smile that totally made your heart melt

“how could i not? you’re the youngest billionaire out here” you gushed

chenle shushes you after the billionaire part

“sorry about that, it’s just i don’t like it when people tell me that” he tells you casually

ok humble king

“have you ordered yet? if not let’s order right now, on me” he grabs his wallet from his pocket and heads inside gongcha

after taking your orders, you two sat outside again with your drinks

“so y/n.. tell me about yourself” chenle takes a sip of his drink

“well, like i told you last night, i’m a student in college and i live with my brother who’s a doctor and that’s about it.. what about you, mr. zhong” you giggled

“first of all, don’t call me mr. zhong. you can call me lele instead and i love music and i like to play the piano and sometimes i sing” he shares, showing off his pearly whites

and after some many more conversations with him, he finally asks you an important question

“ok last question” he laughs, “i know it’s kinda weird but i really like your company and i know we met through a sugar daddy/sugar baby app but would you like.. stay with me..?” he asks cautiously

you stared at him with wide eyes

“i’ll pay for everything you want.. just,, stay or keep me company..?”

you kept quiet, just in shock on what just happened

“it’s okay if you don’t want to, just forget that i asked” he laughs awkwardly

“no it’s okay, i’ll keep you company but please please don’t pay for everything. i can pay for myself” you tell him

“why not? i got money, i can spoil you with gifts” he looks at you confused

“if you can’t remember, i’ve got a brother who’s a doctor and i guess we’re loaded too you know” you roll your eyes at him

“pfft okay then so.. where were we” 

and with that you guys carry on your conversation 

months has passed and you’ve been with chenle through everything

every time something happened in his company, you were there comforting him or just keeping him sane through out everything

and within those months, you’ve seen different sides of him as well

like the serious side of him– when he’s in business meeting and you’re his plus one 

aside from his secretary of course

the funny side of him– when he’s cracking jokes to literally everyone

sometimes he takes days off in the midst of his own company just to pull pranks on his secretary, renjun

and of course, his vulnerable side– when he feels he can’t do what his father left him, the family legacy

there were night where you had to stay over at his place just to make him calm down or just to make sure he’s sleeping or eating well 

and tonight was those vulnerable nights of chenle

here you were in his room, on the floor holding his hand as he rants about how his day turned to shit 

“it’s just so.. hard you know?” he opens up, “when everyone expects you to follow a certain life but i’m not all about that business shit life! i want to sing or fucking play the piano or do some teenager shit not this paper work life!” his voice cracks at the end of his sentence

“ah shit i’m crying in front of you again” he laughs, wiping the tears 

you don’t say anything but held his hand tighter

“thanks y/n.. you’re the best” he smiles down at you

“anything for you, chenle. that’s why i’m here for you right? to keep you company” you smile back

“can you.. come up here with me” chenle motions for you to sit beside him on the bed

you agree and climbed up

chenle sits up awkwardly, staring at you.

“woah this is the first time i had a girl on my bed” he giggles

“then i’m honoured” you laugh

suddenly your phone vibrates multiple times

you take a look and its your brother looking for you

“who is it?” chenle asks

“it’s my brother, he said i should go home” you slowly push yourself from his comfy bed

“no, it’s late. i’ll take you home first thing in the morning” 

“i don’t want to be a burden to you lele” you say shyly

“you’re never a burden to me y/n” chenle smiles again

that night, you slept in his very arms for the first time

you wake up earlier that him and decided to prepare breakfast for him

you set the eggs and bacon on the table with orange juice

you smiled at your efforts, hoping he’d like it

chenle woke up in distraught since you were no where in sight

he was in his pajama pants and he rushed downstairs to check if you were still there

and thankfully, you were

you were on the dining table, waiting for him with breakfast ready

“good morning” he grins, face looking brighter than ever

you smile back at him, “good morning to you too, sleepyhead. help yourself with some breakfast”

chenle takes a seat and sips on the orange juice next to him, “did you make this?” he asks

you nod, “for you” 

you could’ve swore you saw him blush for a moment there 

and with that, you two ate in peace, just enjoying each other’s company

a few days later

you couldn’t make it to chenle’s office since you had classes and it was exam week 

chenle was obviously very lonely that week

even his own secretary checked up on him cause he was awfully quiet ever since you came into his life

“so how are you and y/n huh” renjun casually asks chenle who was busy reading papers on the table

“we’re doing great” chenle replies nonchalantly 

“are you two going steady now?”

that question made chenle halt to a stop on what he was doing

renjun notices that chenle turned quiet

“i never asked her to be official” chenle gasps, scaring renjun in the process

“wha-”

“renjun hyung can you get me the biggest bouquet bundle you can find” chenle rushes

renjun nods and grabs his ipad, looking for what chenle requested

“fuck.. what did y/n wanted again” chenle asks himself, trying to remember the bag or things you told him about

“call jisung and tell him we’re going to the mall” chenle tells renjun yet again, rushing to the elevator so he could go to the mall with his best buddy

“so what are we buying your special someone again?” jisung asks chenle who was busy pacing around the mall

“y/n said she wanted a bag but i cant remember what was it” chenle tells jisung who just looks as lost as he was

chenle ended up going to every luxury store they had in the mall

like louis vitton, gucci, prada, balenciaga, fendi

you name it he went there and bought one bag each

he even went to some make up stores thanks to jisung’s suggestion

surprisingly he had a girlfriend who was a makeup artist and puts make up on jisung’s face when they have nothing to do

and of course, chenle followed what his best friend suggested

now they were on their way back to your place cause you just texted chenle that you were almost done with your exam

chenle and jisung unload his car and went straight up to your apartment that you shared with your brother

and your brother answers the door

“uh chenle? what are you doing here?” jaemin answers the door

chenle stood there in shock once again, “jaemin hyung? you’re y/n’s brother?” he stares at jaemin confused.

jaemin nods slowly before realization hits him, “you’re the person y/n is seeing?!” 

chenle nods uncertainly, slightly offended you never told jaemin about him but quickly shrugs it off. 

“well surprise! now can you help us with this? i’m asking y/n to be my girlfriend when she arrives home” 

jaemin immediately steps in and helps the two boys

after an hour or so, everything is now set into place

now they were just waiting for you to arrive

chenle stood there with his usual work attire which was a formal suit, holding a big ass bouquet and the paper bags right behind him

“jisung how do i look?!” chenle looks at jisung who was showing him two thumbs up

“dashing bro, she’ll say yes in no time”

and as if on cue, you walked in

and to say you were shocked to see chenle standing there 

“lele! what are you doing here?” you covered your mouth in shock as you saw the never ending line of paper bags right behind him and the bouquet he was holding

“i’m here to ask you to be mine” he replies, staring at you once again

“does my brother know you’re here?” you look around your living room and you spot jaemin in the kitchen, watching the entire thing go down

“yeah. why didn’t you tell me he was your brother” chenle pouts, but shakes his head as he hands you the bouquet

chenle clears his throat once again, “na y/n.. would you be my first and last girlfriend?” he closes his eyes tight, waiting for your response

“i would be honoured” you take the bouquet off his hands and jumped into his arms

“about time you asked her” jisung comments in the background

“baby look, i got you some gifts!” chenle puts you down and shows you the abundant amount of things he got you

you smacked him in the chest, “what did i say about you giving me expensive gifts!” 

“let me spoil you, please? you showed me how loving someone wholeheartedly is priceless, and i want to return the favor in my own way” chenle shows you his infamous puppy eyes.

“lele you’re making me cry!” you tear up, hidng your face in his neck

“also because i can’t remember the thing you told me you wanted a few days ago so i had to compromise” chenle giggles

you were happy

and he was happy

who knew an app could bring you two together and end up like this

the end!

[ajokeformur-ray]

it’s 3:20am and i’m meant to be sleeping lmao but *shrugs*

late night/early morning heavy rant incoming feel free to ignore <3 

general sadness/heavy feelings + mentions of not eating much - if may trigger please skip; there’s nothing important within anyways lmao cut might not work on mobile.

im barely eating barely sleeping barely drinking. it’s not worth looking after myself bc i’ll just be hungry/tired/thirsty later but i do these things bc i know how upset and angry Joker would be but also my online friends too.

today i drank 8 cups of coffee, slept 6 hr and ate 2 bits of toast + dinner + then 2 small brownies. that was it. i have food to eat i just cant? justify? making anything? but again, i do bc Joker. he loves me and thats what i make myself repeat every time i deny myself smthn.

i just feel so scared all the time. im always so angry and tired and yeah thats likely bc im not physically taking care of myself, but it’s always been more of a mental thing than anything else lmao everything scares me. i even scare myself bc i know that i can and have already ruined my life. i’m 22 and my entire life is a waste and it’s a self fulfilling prophecy at this point but i graduate soon and i just? have had enough? i dont want a career i dont want to do Adult Things i just wanna love and spend time with Joker and with my friends on here. reality doesnt interest me bc reality doesnt involve my interests. the older i get the more disillusioned i become and at this point i’m just waiting to totally drop off the map lmao.

i just feel like a waste of life and of potential and a big ball of anxiety and wasted opportunity and procrastination and i feel like my entire existence is an embarrassment and i wasted my mum’s life by being born [yes my brain has gone there tonight, ain’t it fun????] and nothing i ever do will ever make up for it. 

im sat cross legged in bed at 3:26am and im in the dark and im wearing my joker shirt and i just? cant be bothered to sleep? like ??? it’s too much effort? imma do it anyway bc human lmao but??? existence isnt worth the effort? ill wake up at like 9am later [i set alarms bc routine] and totally cringe at this word vomit pffft idk im just tired of everything and ive had enough and i want it to stop and i just wanna breathe and im scared and i want Joker to tell me he loves me and he gets it but hes still proud of me and i want Patrick Verona to tell me the same stuff and i just wanna be loved.

but ill wake up tomorrow and continue blasting music full volume tomorrow bc its better than listening to my thoughts and ill study and ill write and ill smile and laugh.... and then night falls and i become sad and horny pfffft what even?? but whatever we’re all going through it so shush Erika; help others <3333 it’s what counts <3 

im not really looking for advice or anything [thought that;d be appreciated] i really just needed somewhere to dump my emotions bc theyre inconvenient and i hate them and also i hate myself ksksksk joke’s on my mum no one’s more disappointed in me than me pffft get in line.

i just honestly wanna be erased from existence whats the point?

[horansqueen]

sugardaddy!niall: maybe u two have been together for awhile and he owns this company and you come to see him while he’s at work simply bc you missed him and he ends up fucking you on his desk

you request i shall write. lol seriously tho i got two asks about this so i had to write it haha! idk if its really “sugar daddy” like but its the request i got :) sooo here it is. i didnt proofread, im tired and shit. ill check that tomorrow. 2.8k SMUT.

It was the fourth evening in a row that Niall rain-checked on me.  I knew he was busy and I normally didn't insist to spend time with him, but I felt a bit neglected and I couldn't lie. I left the food I had ordered for us on the counter without even taking the time to put it in the fridge, knowing i'd probably end up eating it every evening by myself.

I grabbed a sweater quickly, hitting redial on my cellphone for the second time tonight as I walked quickly to my car. The night was warm enough for late spring but I liked keeping the windows of my car open when I drive. I groaned when it immediately reached voicemail and sat in my car, dialing an other number. It rang twice, three times, and I cursed as I started the car, putting my seat belt on. I recognized the voice immediately and licked my lips.

"Hey Cindy, it's Y/N, could you please put me in communication with my husband?"

There was a moment of hesitation on the line and she cleared her throat.

"It's good to hear from you Mrs Horan, unfortunately Mr Horan asked not to be disturbed."

I grimaced and shut my eyes tight before inhaling deeply.

"I tried reaching his cellphone but he turned it off and it's very, very important, Cindy."

It was not a complete lie but it wasn’t the truth either. I missed him, and that was important, right? I asked him a million times to tell his secretary that I was an exception to that rule but most of the time, he forgot. I couldn't blame him, he had tons of things to think about, I just wished I was in his top five.

We got married a long time ago, almost right after high school, and it's only a few years later that he decided to start his company. It was not easy at first, and there were weeks we barely survived but suddenly, things started to get better and now, we had more money we'd ever need for this lifetime, and even the next one. I would give all of it to spend every evening with him, though, but that I would never tell him.

"I'm very sorry Mrs Horan, I can't." she apologized, making me grimace again. "But as soon as I see him, I will tell him you called."

I knew it was not polite but I just sighed and hung up on her. I was getting mad that I was not getting a special treatment that wives should always get and I threw my phone on the passenger's seat in frustration.

The ride to Niall's work was short and the cool but pleasant breeze brought me back a part of my good mood. I had no idea how i'd convince Cindy to let me get to his office and I thought about it during the whole elevator ride. When the doors opened with a 'ding', I got out of my thoughts and looked up. I walked right in front of me without stopping at her desk and when she noticed me, she quickly jumped off her seat and ran after me.

"Mrs Horan, Mrs Horan I'm very sorry but like I said."

I reached Niall's door and swung it open, leaving the three of us completely motionless. Cindy's eyes got as round as two quarters and her face expressed fear but while she almost peed her pants, my lips curled when I saw my husband.

He was sitting on his desk, his phone in hands, but he had stopped mid-sentence when the door opened. After a few seconds, his face seemed to illuminate and he smiled back at me, bringing the bottom of the phone near his lips again.

"I'm gonna have to call you back." he stated, followed by a few seconds of silence. "Thank you, I'll see you tomorrow."

He hung up the phone, still staring at me, and it made me smile even more.

"I'm sorry Mister Horan, I tried to stop her but-"

"Thank you, Cindy." he cut her, his eyes never leaving me. "You can close the door behind you."

I rolled my eyes and chuckled, waiting for his secretary to do as she was told, and took a few steps closer, wrapping my arms quickly around his neck.

"I missed you too much."

"Did you?" he asked, sending me a smirk while his arms slithered around my waist, pulling me closer. "I sent you flowers though, and a note."

Once again, I chuckled.

"I got them. The house is filled with flowers. And empty of you." I argued. "When there's too many flowers, it means you haven't been home in a while."

I watched his nose raise in a grimace and slipped one of my hands in his hair. I knew he felt guilty, and that was not what I wanted. I just wanted him to spend  time with me.

"I'm sorry, petal."

I shivered at the nickname and tilted my head, my eyes roaming on his face.

"Next time you come home don't be surprised if I hit you with a pan." I joked, shrugging. "I haven't seen you there in so long I may not recognize you at all."

He laughed and pulled me closer, his lips pressing softly against mine. My eyes fluttered close and I sighed low, feeling happiness fill my whole body. The fact that I was still so in love after so long was not even surprising to me. He was perfect. Well, when he was there.

"I miss you too, petal." he whispered, deepening the kiss as he pushed my body more against him.

I brought my hands to his cheeks, cupping his face, kissing him harder and deeper, letting out a short whimper. He swallowed it and groaned, his lips reaching my jaw and brushing down to my neck.

"We could have done this at home." I pointed out in a murmur, making him move away slightly to look in my eyes.

"But would it be as exciting?"

I laughed, shaking my head as I stared at him.

"What are you saying? Do you plan on fucking me here?"

His smile turned into a smirk and it made my heart jump in my chest. I was waiting for him to laugh and admit he was kidding but he just grabbed the bottom of my sweater and pulled it off, letting it fall next to his desk. I felt like I should have dressed better but he still studied me attentively, his eyes moving down on my shirt and jeans.

"Oh I do."

I licked my lips and waited a few seconds before bringing my hands to his tie, loosening it a bit. I bit my bottom lip and tilted my head as I started working on the buttons of his shirt.

"Do you know how hot you look wearing that?" I asked, my eyes following my fingers as it reached the last button. "You're always hot but the suit is just on an other level."

"Is it?" he wondered, making me nod. "Do you know what's my favorite outfit on you?"

I shook my head, bringing my eyes back up into his as I ran my hands on his chest gently, my fingertips brushing against his skin. I was starting to be turned on and I had to admit that doing this in his office was exciting. It was not what I came here for, but I would definitely not decline the proposition.

"I love when you wear absolutely nothing."

I felt my lips curl into a large smile and licked them slowly.

"That can be arranged." I laughed, making him grin again.

I took my shirt off as he worked on my jeans and when I stepped out of them, I stood almost naked in front of him. His hands reached for my waist and slid up to my breasts. He let out a low groan as his thumbs rubbed against my nipples and I tried to forget about the throbbing between my legs.

"I love when you don't wear a bra, petal."

My lips parted and I unbuttoned his pants quickly, dropping to my knees. His fingers brushed on my cheeks and I brought his pants and boxers down before looking up. I smiled at his tie clearly pointing me to his half-erected cock and I wrapped both my hands around it. Bringing my face closer, I started sucking on his head, my hands working on him slowly.

"Fuck, pet, don't be a tease."

I smiled, one of my hands moving to his balls as I took him deeper. I felt his cock swell on my tongue and moaned low, making him groan. He looked down at me, grabbing his tie and throwing it over his shoulder to see me better. His fingers slipped in my hair and he gripped it hard, holding my head in place as he thrust slightly in my mouth. I felt the tip of his dick reach the back of my throat and gagged a bit, making him smile. He pulled on my hair, making his cock slip out and my head move back, bending down to me and crushing his lips against mine.

"Get up."

I obeyed immediately and he pushed me against his desk, bending closer to me. His lips once again ended on my neck and he nibbled gently on my skin as he pushed the stuff on his desk. His papers and documents fell on the floor with a surprising noise and I held my breath, turning around to see a cup of cold coffee and his computer were the only things left close to me. He grabbed my waist and helped me sit on the warm wood of his desk, pulling on my panties a bit roughly. I squirmed to help him and he threw them away, instantly moving down to press his lips between my legs. Once again, I inhaled deeply and held my breath as he avidly ran his tongue on my pussy. I held myself on my elbows to take a look at him, bringing my feet on the desk, opening my legs even more to give him a better access. I tried hoping for no one to walk in without knocking but all I could focus on was how his lips wrapped perfectly around my clit. He sucked on it hard and one of my legs started shaking as I did my best to keep my moans low. His tongue slipped inside me and he groaned against me, bringing me even closer to an orgasm.

I gripped his hair hard and pulled on it. His eyes met mine as he sucked on my pussy again and I bit my bottom lip so hard I almost hurt myself.

"Please, Niall, fuck me."

My voice was low but pleasing and when he got up, I lied down on his desk, my messy hair spread around my head and grabbed his shirt, pulling him on top of me. I whimpered against his mouth when I felt his hard cock press on my pussy. His tip slipped inside me easily as I kissed him harder and deeper. He held himself over me, his forearms on each side of my face, and pushed himself slowly inside me while I wrapped my legs around him.

"Oh my god, Niall, I can't believe you're fucking me here." I whispered, making him chuckle against my mouth.

"Do you know how many times I thought about this?"

His words made me shiver and i closed my eyes as he pulled his head away slightly, moving his hips to go in and out of me extremely slowly. I whimpered every single time he was completely inside me and he finally bent down again to grab my upper lip between his, sucking on it gently.

"You feel so fucking amazing, petal." he murmured. "I'm so in love with you."

It didn't matter how many times he said that, and it didn't matter how many times we had sex, it always felt as special as the first time.

"I'm in love with you too." I breathed, grinning back when he sends me a fond smile.

He moved back up to stand, his hands fondling my thighs before he started fucking me harder. I felt myself jerk with each thrust and my heart jumped in my chest when I noticed his eyes roaming on my body.

"Do you know how much I love watching your tits move while I fuck you?" he admitted in a low tone, putting his hands on my knees and holding them, spreading my legs to go deeper. "It makes me want to cum inside you."

I nibbled on my bottom lip and brought both my hands to my breasts, grabbing them harder and moaning low.

"Fuck, you're perfect."

He took a step back and let go of my knees. I grimaced slightly when I felt his cock slip out of me completely and he helped me up, kissing me some more. His dick spread my own wetness on my lower stomach as he pulled me closer, pushing his body against mine and after a few minutes, he gently turned me around and pushed on my back. I bent down, my chest pressing on the desk and held my breath when I felt his hand hit one of my ass cheeks gently the first time and then much harder. With his free hand, he hit my other cheek with his cock a few times, the sound bringing the perfect image of it in my head. I wiggled a bit and he chuckled, gripping my ass with both hands and spreading it a bit, positioning his dick before pushing himself inside me again.

"Oh god," I moaned, feeling myself throb around him.

A knock at the door was heard and we both held out breaths and stopped moving. He bent down, his chest against my back as his hand pressed firmly on my mouth.

"I'm busy, come back later." he almost yelled after clearing his throat.

"But Mister Wilson is on the phone, and he says it's urgent."

"Tell him I'll call him back." he argued again.

"But he-"

"Cindy." he expressed harshly. "I'm busy."

We waited until the sound of her high heels disappeared and he let go of my mouth, making me lick my lips.

"She said it was urgent." I pointed out, a bit mad that I was unable to see his face.

However, I could feel him breathe, his chest moving against my back, and I knew his heart was beating as hard and as fast as mine.

"The real emergency here is to make my beautiful wife cum."

I chuckled, feeling his lips on my shoulder, and ground my ass against him. I closed my eyes, feeling his cock go deeper inside me and he groaned against my skin, his arm wrapping around me to reach between my legs. He started fucking me again, slowly and then quicker, while rubbing my clit in motion with his thrusts.

"Oh fuck, Niall, I'm gonna cum."

I shut my eyes tighter and pushed myself against him more, fucking myself harder on his dick, his fingers following my rhythm.

"Do it, I want to feel you cum around my cock."

I held my breath as I started shaking against him, my fingers trying to grip something and my nails scraping on the wood of his desk.

"Fuck, I'm cumming!"

I tried not to be too loud and he kept rubbing me and fucking me through my orgasm.

"I fucking love watching you cum."

When I stopped quivering and got down from my high, he let go of me to grip my waist and fuck me harder, trying to reach his peak too. It only took a few seconds and he took a step back, slipping out of me. I felt the tip of his cock brush over and over on my ass as he jerked himself until he came, spurting on me.

"Jesus Christ, you're so hot."

Unexpectedly, he pushed his still hard cock inside me again, fucking me and cumming inside me. He pulled out, breathing through his teeth while his hands ran on my back. We were both a panting mess and he finally bent over against my back again.

"Mm, I just came here to beg you to come home." I admitted in a low tone. "But I got more than I thought I'd get."

Niall laughed, trailing kisses on my shoulders, making goosebumps appear on my back, his lips pressing on my salty skin.

"You should have called." he whispered, his mouth brushing against me.

"I tried but your cellphone is off and your secretary said you didn't want to be disturbed."

"She should know you never ever bother me." he let out, his hands caressing gently my waist and down my thighs.

"You should tell her that."

"Trust me, I will." he promised. "As long as you visit more often."

[ultradiplr]

Sleep Aid

A Si/Oc x Sigma fanfiction

Plot: Uahi and Sigma are up late from insomnia, stressed and jittery from the day’s activities, they decide to do something to relax.

Tags: Mutual M, Age Difference, Size Difference, Original Female Character, Dirty Talk. Literally just “What if we did X? Haha, just kidding…. Unless?” Comedy-ish. Bad porno. Idk man.

A/N: Self indulgent AF because I’ve decided I need to establish that Uahi and SIgma have “that” kind of relationship - Just a couple of buddies being pals and doing a little bonding. Also The Beast: Part 2 is still getting written, I just had a rough few days and wrote this dumb thing to make myself feel better.

Xx

Uahi laid on what constituted as Sigma’s bed in his lab as she watched him write and rewrite an equation on a board. Her eyes followed the motions of his hands droopily, exhausted from the day’s training yet stupidly wide awake, untapped stores of energy still inside her with no way of getting out at this time at night.

Sigma was in much the same boat, exhausted by a tedious little meeting that went on much later than he expected. Tired yet completely alert, his mind running through a million things at once, a million things that could be done tomorrow, yet his body was forcing him to do them now, even as the numbers and letters he wrote were starting to look more and more like gibberish to his straining eyes. 

The two of them usually sat up late together like this, both insomniacs on even their best days, but tonight just felt especially ridiculous as the clock ticked by, showing the time in bold red numbers.

03:00 AM.

Uahi stretched out on his bed which was much, much larger than her and custom made to fit Sigma’s large body, usually it was a delightful haven for her sore and battered body after a long training day, but tonight it just felt so.. Uncomfortable. No matter how much she twisted and turned, no matter the weird angle she tried to place her limbs in, no matter what she tried she just could not get comfortable.

“Siiiiigmaaaa.” She groaned, loudly, defeated.

Sigma sighed and wiped down his board again, whatever he had written not making any sense to him. “Yes?” He asked, hearing Uahi groan.

“I’m tired.” She grumbles behind him, saying similar multiple times tonight.

“I know, but what can we do?” He says with a sigh, going back to writing… something, on the board.

“Masturbate.” She says before letting out a long “Ayyyyyy.”

Sigma cracks a tired smile at the sound of her fake bostonian accent, easily imagining her shooting him finger guns while saying it. He rolls his eyes a little. Even while completely exhausted his friend didn’t miss an opportunity for a crude joke, how admirable. 

A stretch of silence settled between them, with only the squeaking of his pen against the board as Sigma wrote another batch of equations and Uahi’s steady breathing as she stared up at the ceiling and watched a few wisps of her hair flow above her. 

The idea felt like it hung in the air between them. The two had always been pretty flirtatious with one another, dirty jokes and innuendos a common part of their bantering, but for some reason this instance felt… different. Maybe it was the lack of sleep lowering their inhibitions but the idea of getting off right now sounded really… nice. The total relaxation afterward would probably make trying to sleep easier. It’s worked for them, separately, before...

Doing it now wasn’t that much different from doing it alone… right?

“Haha, that’s a weird thought, right?” She laughed awkwardly and sat up a little on her forearms, looking over at him. 

Sigma is blushing as he looks back at her, too tired to really try and hide it and Uahi unconsciously bites her lip at the sight, he’s always looked so handsome when he blushed. His eyes roamed her body, taking in her relaxed pose and the loose sleeping clothes she wore, admiring her curves and muscles and the intricate tattoos on her arms before his eyes slid up to her face lingering on her lips for a moment before meeting her gaze.

“Unless…” His tone has shifted just a little and it’s her turn to blush, causing him to smile. 

It wasn’t that different… right?

Sigma put his pen down and gently drifted toward Uahi on his bed, who sat up completely and shuffled back until her back hit a wall, eyes locked with his as he came closer and cheeky smile plastered on her face. 

“Damn, didn’t know it was so easy to get you into bed.” She teased as he sat down on the edge and took off his day clothes, throwing them to the side, and leaving himself in an undershirt and boxer briefs.

“To be fair, this is my bed,” He scooted back until his back met the wall next to her, dwarfing her a little in comparison to him, even sitting down, “What should it mean that you’re already here?”

“That you can’t take a hint.” She stuck her tongue out at him and he chuckled.

Settling in next to her, his legs outstretched in front of him, he stretched and yawned, relaxing against the wall, already feeling a sort of warmth pool at the pit of his stomach, the reality of what they were going to do slowly seeping into him.

Uahi felt a little jittery, excitement and embarrassment mixing into a concoction that made her want to both get on with it and to just get up and leave right now, filling her with more restless energy.

They sat silently next to each other, neither knowing exactly how to start, before she piped up “You wanna see my favorite porno?” she asked.

“What?” That sort of caught him off guard and he blinked down at her, face going red again.

“I mean, we’re not just going to try and do this alone, right?” She asked as she got on her knees and crawled toward the edge of the bed, reaching under it.

“I guess not,” He started, looking off to the side a little, feeling a little sheepish. “truth be told, I didn’t really think about it.”

She snorted and brought up his smartpad, talon issued, and most likely monitored. He tried not to use it much outside of his work because of that, but it seemed Uahi had no qualms with using it for any personal activity she wanted as she scooted back next to him, already tapping away in the search menu. As a video loaded up, the title of witch he didn’t catch, she held it up in front of them, and knowing what she wanted without her asking, he suspended it in the air. It was a little funny, they’ve done similar for watching normal movies together, ironic that they’d do the same for a dirty one.

Uahi leaned against him as the video started playing, and she smiled when he heard him scoff at the title, “O-asis University 7: The Hard Professor.” 

“Really? This your favorite dirty movie?” He asked as he watched the video open with a stock video of the city and university.

“Oh, so you’ve seen it before.” She said, wriggling her eyebrows.

He rolled his eyes and scoffed, smiling, “No, but I’ve heard of the series… can’t believe they made seven.”

“They’ve made thirty actually, but I dropped off after seventeen.” She said nonchalantly.

The scene transitioned into a classroom set, shot on a cheap camera of course, though he could give them props for somehow finding something similar to the actual rooms at the University, at least from what he could remember.

“Why did you drop it?” He asked, the talking easing him into the fact he really was going to watch a porno with her.

“Recasting mostly,” She shrugged, “My two favorite actors had such good chemistry, when they got replaced it just wasn’t the same.”

There were two characters on screen, an older but handsome man wearing an ill fitting and cheap looking suit, obviously the ‘hard” professor, and a woman wearing an equally cheap looking knock off of the uniforms there only more… revealing. Their  innuendo filled dialogue was a bit cringy on paper, but the delivery was actually done pretty well, by porn parody standards. Sigma snorted at a particularly awful joke and Uahi giggled, and it went on like that through the painful introduction. When it finally got to actual sex he had to admit, it seemed almost believable, and sort of personal, but it wasn’t really his cup of tea if he was being honest.

He looked over to Uahi to make an observation about the whiteboard in the background containing an interesting equation but when he saw the way her eyes focused on the screen, face red, and worrying her lip between her teeth, he was shut up instantly, feeling his blood run hot at the sight.He watched as Uahi began to fidget a little, her hands balling into her shirt as she watched with rapt attention, legs subtly rubbing together as she got worked up. It was strangely cute… and very arousing. He felt himself harden a little as she shifted around, pressing her thighs together as the scene turned rougher.

Uahi meanwhile was just too focused on what was unfolding to notice Sigma’s staring, the sense of drama and story elements always able to suck her in before the fucking really solidified her attention. She loved the series with her whole heart, and the unfolding relationship between Professor Richard Longhard and Kitty Galore was always her favorite sub plot, plus they were both hot as all hell. 

As the dear professor bent his student over his desk and began teasing her with a light spanking, Uahi’s fingers just about dipped into the waistband of her sleeping shorts, only pulling at it slightly, holding off from actually touching herself due to where she was, still sort of hesitant. 

Sigma noticed this and held back a groan, a hand cupping himself through his boxers as the other flexed on his thigh, attention completely on Uahi as she became a bigger and bigger mess, hair rising higher and higher she got hotter and hotter. 

There was a loud moan coming from the screen and Sigma looked back at it and caught the “hard professor.” slowly stuffing his large meat into the smaller woman while he leaned over her on the desk, whispering something in her ear.

“He has such a pretty dick.” Uahi’s voice came out strained, tinted by the faintest whine but full of desire.

“Not the sort of description I would use.” Sigma said, trying to hold back the waver in his voice as he watched too.

Uahi smiled, “Why, what does your dick look like?~” she teased, wiggling her eyebrows, leaning up into his side.

He gulped and nudged her back playfully, causing her to giggle, “Perfectly normal, if you must know.” 

“Really, not old and wrinkly like you?” She teased harder, hand snaking its way up and into the side of his shirt, small and hot against his skin, tickling his ribs a little.

He swatted her away again, laughing, and she giggled, shifting so that her back was toward the hovering smartpad now and looking at him, “Come on, out with it, I wanna see~” She said, looking at him expectantly, face red with a large, goofy smile.

He chuckled, nerves kind of on fire now that her attention was all on him with his erection so painfully obvious in his briefs. He shifted a little, feeling awkward. He didn’t want to stop, but he definitely didn’t want to be the only one who was exposed.

Uahi saw his hesitance and she realized she probably should break the ice a little first. Quickly, so as not to let herself lose confidence, she pulled her shorts off her legs and threw them over the side of the bed.

His breath hitched, his eyes went wide, his face somehow grew hotter and his hard cock throbbed as Uahi crawled over his leg and sat between his knees, which he widened to make room for her. She sat down and slowly opened her legs for him, making his mouth grow dry as she revealed her wet core to him. 

She felt emboldened by his focused, wide eyed but dazed stare at her, fighting to urge to cover herself as she leaned back onto her forearms. “Your turn, old man.” She said with a wink, and shot him the smuggest smile she could muster in her slowly dizzying state.

Sigma gulped, eyes focused on her glistening lips, as his thumbs hooked into his  waistband, slowly lowering it down. His cock sprang up as the cloth moved off it, hitting him softly in his stomach, and he heard Uahi’s breath hitch at the sight. His gaze moved to her face, and the look she was giving him matched the way she was looking at the video earlier, making his cock throb and his heart clench.

It was not in fact, wrinkly or old, or “perfectly normal” either, he was huge, thick and long, and with a sprinkling of salt and pepper hair at the base. Already leaking a little, and having a beautifully delicious red tip, it made her mouth water.

“It’s uh…  wow… you’re big.” Her voice sounded breathless and he smiled inwardly at it, his ego and confidence getting a sizable boost from that.

“Think I match up with Professor Longhard?” He joked, and she snorted a laugh,

“Honestly I think you’re bigger.” And it was his turn to laugh.

This felt good, nice, two friends just.. Hanging out. 

Uahi leaned over to one arm as her other hand snaked up from beside her and petted her mound in front of him, not touching herself, but just teasing a little. Sigma hummed in approval and his own hand began to lightly feel up his cock, even with his hand wrapped around it at his base a good five inches stood out of his grasp. She drooled a little at the sight and moved her fingers lower over her sex, lightly running it around her lips. She shivered at the feeling, but Sigma could do nothing more than watch and start to move his own hand on his hard cock.

Uahi slipped her own fingers between her slick folds, gathering the wetness and spreading them around, loving the way Sigma moaned at the sight, his hand slightly picking up speed. She spread herself with her fingers with a wink and actually laughed at the way he choked.

“You’re a dirty girl, you know that?” He said with a glare, his hand squeezing himself for more delicious pressure.

“Mhmm, a dirty girl for a dirty old man.” She replied, licking her lips and fluttering her eyes in a very faux sexy manner which made him roll his eyes.

She slipped a finger in herself carefully, and Sigma groaned as he watched it disappear, hand following her speed. She tensed a little at it, more sensitive than she expected, and let out a shaky sigh. She slipped another finger in too, and began to pump them into herself in a steady rhythm, moaning as he began to leak pre at the sight.

“So Beautiful.” The words slipped from his mouth without realizing it, and her body flushed darker.

She moaned and fell back to free her other arm, hand going to rub at her clit, his words hitting her like a freight train with desire. She rolled her hips, the new stimulation putting her closer and closer to the edge.

She was watching him, pupils blown wide with desire, turning her dark brown eyes almost black. He groaned at the sight of her, laid almost bare before him, looking at him with hunger, playing with herself in front of him, watching him, watching his hands and face and his swollen cock. He shifted, shaking as he did, and arched over her, one arm bracing himself next to her head as he continued rutting into his hand, the tip of his cock so achingly close to her core.

“What are you thinking of?” he asked, breathlessly above her flustered face, head framed by the twisting and writhing wisps of her hair..

She bit her lip, looking off to the side, “Y-you.” She said, her voice needy and… vulnerable.

His heart fluttered at the admission and the tone, “And what about me?” He asks, hotly yet tenderly.

She whines and her hips leave the bed for a moment, “Fuck.. i don’t know, just… your stupid handsome face and your stupid big cock and just...” she grinds out before shutting her eyes tightly and taking a moment to breath.

His hand cups her face with his free hand and she leans into it, when she opens her eyes, they’re dark and focused, a dangerous, hungry look.

“I’m thinking about you Sigma, and you, splitting me open.” Her voice was shaky, needy, wanton. 

She lifts her hips again, rolling them, making the faintest hint of contact between them  and making him moan and stutter his hips. She laughed breathlessly, nuzzling into his hand, 

“I want you to ruin me~” She said, fluttering her eyes, and taking his thumb into her mouth.

He flexed his thumb in her mouth to push on her tongue, moaning at the feel of her soft wet mouth as he hunched over her, imagining himself doing what she asked. Of him dipping his hips lower, just a bit lower, and hilting inside her in one hard thrust. Thrusting inside her at a brutal pace, causing her to scream, to beg, to cry for him. To hold onto him like her life depended on it as he fucked her open, more open than she probably ever been. God, he wanted to ruin her too, wanted to touch and taste and just… destroy her.

He squeezed his cock as he felt his balls tighten, his climax coming soon at the images she’s conjuring up, but he didn’t want to cum, not yet, not until she does.

He dipped his head down next to her, “You’d be such a good girl you’d let me do that, right? Let me tear you open? Use you? Would that make you happy?” He whispered into her ear, a bit frantic but  dripping with arousal.

She nodded her head a little, his thumb in her mouth, whining around the finger, her hips picking up more as her fingers worked herself faster. He joined her in that fact, thrusting harder into his tight, wet hand above her, frantically trying to chase and hold off his own end.

“You look so pretty like this, such a pretty mess, and a mess all for me.” His words where making her stomach flip and twist, too soft, too tender, too loving, she wanted to cry and laugh and kiss him and hear him say more, but she felt herself starting to peak and she could do nothing but cry out around his thumb.

“S-si-gma.” Her broken sob made his heart clench as she tensed up under him.

Seeing her come undone was a trigger for his own and he muffled his cry in the mattress as he bit down beside her head. He tensed and shook as he tried to keep himself up, feeling himself empty a thick load, his hand pumping every last drop out of him as he chased the high longer. When he finally finished, he collapsed beside her, panting.

A few minutes of them doing nothing but panting and contemplating what they just did passed before Uahi broke the silence again with a laugh, a genuine, bubbly laugh, that had him joining quiet easily.

“I can’t believe we just did that.” She said clapping a hand over her eyes, astonished

“Me neither, that was quite an… experience.” He looked at her, smiling, still a little out of breath. “Are you alright?”

She turned and faced him, scooting closer, “Yeah, I am, it was fun.” she said with a yawn.

He wrapped an arm around her and brought her into his side until she could rest her head on his shoulder, “I guess it’s finally time to sleep.”

The two began to drift asleep, warmth seeped into their bones, completely relaxed against each other, and basking in the warmth of each other's presence. As they were on the cusp of sleep a thought occurred to Uahi,

“Sigma, what happened to the smartpad?”

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Carly

Ali: I have THE most shockingly incredible news Carly: ? Ali: Someone you know Ali: someone very geographically close to you Ali: is leading a double-life Carly: I know my ma's fucking the bloke who works in the kebab place Ali: Hmm Ali: fair play Ali: a man who knows his way around a giant sword of meat is undoubtedly a plus Ali: but this is not about kebabs or adultery Ali: yet Carly: thats what i said after i told her what pegging is Carly: but k is it about 💊s? Ali: bless Ali: from the mouth of a babe Ali: nope, but think one of your other great loves Carly: aw its about you Carly: tell me tell me Ali: okay, okay Ali: but only 'cos you're the sweetest Ali: and I am 😻 Ali: cat lady has an antique shop! Ali: idk how I've not found it 'til now but it's so cool and you've got to come Carly: o thats so cute! Carly: all the 🐈s just on the shelves like 👀 Carly: she must have so many breakages tho 💔😿 Carly: u there now? Ali: RIGHT?! Ali: I nearly gave her a heart attack when I realised it was her Ali: like seeing a 🐅 in its natural habitat Ali: [imagine a hilarious selfie with a slightly bewildered old lady 'cos she's #buzzin] Ali: won't blame her beloved moggies but it is a bit of a mess Ali: party still tho, so come thru Carly: 😍😍😍 Carly: wtf @ her working there still shes like 400 Carly: not looking it from that angle tho 😘 Carly: where am i goin? Ali: she's the big boss lady Ali: 🤑🤑🤑 Ali: 'cept not, obvs Ali: it's a complete hidden 💎 Ali: hidden the operative, so just get to the main drag of the high street and I'll meet you 💚 Carly: yea?! aw love that for her & us Carly: scavenger hunts r so fun bye ma👋 Carly: ill bring mr darcy he's been trying to get in the hot tub all morning 😼 didnt have the 💜 to tell him hes not meant to like water Ali: exactly Ali: knew you'd get it Ali: won't blindfold you or nothing but maybe later Ali: awh, double date moment Ali: he's just tryna live up to his name is all Carly: 🔮 finds u baby or u find it Carly: ha ill make that maybe into a yea thats my 🔮 Carly: 💙🐅 & 💜🐈 aw cute Carly: thats why he's 😾 but 😽 yea? thats the 1 right? Ali: got it all in one, baby Ali: so smart Carly: my outfit choice gotta b some kind of 🔮 too 🌟 Carly: fate found me overalls like get ready bitch Carly: 🐇 Ali: ready to work and werk Ali: that's my girl Carly: ha Carly: can't have u looking like that & me Carly: idk but not 👼 level Ali: psh Ali: impossible Carly: ur a 🍑 Carly: but we're still honeymooning Ali: life's a honeymoon with you and me, doll Ali: neverending summer, yeah Carly: u kno Carly: any hot customers that come through the door better only have 👀 for the other 🐈 Ali: 🐈 gets 'em in the door, they gotta stay, and more importantly pay, for the bargains Ali: that's my business plan anyway Ali: not sure how she's rolling, only that she ain't rocking Carly: & no more breakages thats mine ha Carly: dont have the shakes today its k but will be weak at the knees when i see u 💙 sorry colleen Carly: make sure u catch me yea 👼 Ali: 'course Ali: you're far too pure to ever be a 😈 Ali: the universe and I will never let that happen Carly: ur too nice Ali: nah Ali: just what you deserve Ali: well, I try Carly: ur the real 💎 Carly: & im happy we found each other Ali: me too Ali: never gonna lose each other again Ali: trust Carly: the universe & i will never let that happen Ali: 💚 Ali: forever means forever Ali: do you want anything, I'm just killing time Carly: im goin nowhere baby unless its w you 💫 Carly: idk water maybe Carly: not v rock & roll but i reckon maybe youll like me anyway Ali: adventures only club 🌌 Ali: I know I'll love you dope Ali: water it is Ali: strictly straight-laced plain ole h2o, no hint of party Carly: 💙forever i kno Carly: ha wot r u planning to spike it w? 👀 u Ali: WISH I'd found some really retro pharmaceuticals in all those old bottles Ali: wonder how coke ages like Ali: fancy Carly: if we find any i'll be your lab 🐇 Carly: but not today im 😵 Carly: 💔😢 Ali: 😢 now I'm thinking about animal testing Ali: no cages either Ali: we got work to do Ali: but you can take it easy babe, sweet-talk like only you can Carly: omg no 😭 we have to free every 1 🐇🐀🐁 no cages ever! 😠 Ali: that's a job for tomorrow Ali: we'll need posterpaint and balaclavas Carly: cute Carly: i kno lads who've got some we can borrow Carly: & 💪 if we need it too Carly: or 🏎 for the getaway ha Ali: they've got their uses Ali: that's for sure Ali: can we convince 'em to dress up like 🦍s for the cause Ali: obvs 😘 Carly: i can Carly: u could but id b 💔😢 like Ali: but what about my 💔? 😏 Carly: ur protected by the 🔮💫 Ali: yeah Ali: and I protect you Carly: yea u do Carly: we dont need the lads Carly: ur a🐅 Ali: 😊 Ali: what's going on at the zoo tonight tho Ali: any parties we need to be a part of Carly: johnnos home thats always good til the garda wanna welcome him back too ha Ali: party poopers Ali: we'll be gone before then Carly: gone 🏃 or gone 🚀💊 Ali: little from column a little from column b Ali: don't wanna share you for that long Ali: and I'm defs not sharing our spoils, either Carly: k Carly: i kno u said this place was hard to find but maybe im outside? Carly: idk it 👀s right Ali: omg 🗺📌 Ali: I'm still in the tescos getting us some lunch Ali: called Calico Jacks Ali: which is SO perfect Carly: !!! Carly: i knew this was the place 🐈👑🏰 Ali: the universe WANTED us both to find it today Carly: omg its so cute in here Carly: idc that im sneezing Carly: i love it Ali: right? Ali: she has some amazing stuff Ali: it just needs sorting out so people can 👀 it all for what it could be, not necessarily what it is rn Ali: once we've bagsied the best bits for ourselves, naturally Carly: i'll tell her its the comedown so she wont feel bad Carly: omg i just found the cutest 🐻😍😍 hes joining us for tea Ali: totally making this a picnic moment Ali: you've gotta name him/her Carly: yay Carly: kettles on baby 💙 r u nearly here? Carly: mayb ill have thought of a name by then Carly: cant rush if he has to go by it forever Ali: faster than you can sneeze boo Ali: exactly, names are very important Ali: so 🍀 he gets to pick his own Carly: aw lucky is a good name Ali: perfect Ali: I wonder if we can find him a suitable tea time outfit Carly: 😊😊

[aquarianlights]

Life is great, guys. :) (It really does get better.)

So I just wanted to talk about this for a minute coz for those of you who don’t know, this blog isn’t like an aesthetic blog or whatever; it’s a personal blog. I’m usually flooding it with verbose text posts, vlogs, selfies and whatnot. I haven’t been able to do that since finally pursuing my passion of medicine because the field is all-consuming. But I’m back for like another week or so, kind of. Lol. I’m going to be writing up an update on what’s going on and why I disappeared for so long and all that because I’m doing some REALLY COOL STUFF! :D And I’m excited to share it with everyone! :) I really missed you guys and I missed my blog. I may not get that text post up tonight, but here’s this one. Lol.

I know I have said I beat my depression before, but even now as I have slipped back into a depressive state and even seriously had points where I considered suicide, life is still really great. I even had a night where I relapsed for the first time in 2 years and gave myself exactly 3 cuts and had pills laid out ready to OD and you know what? The decision to text my next door neighbour (who is turning into a good friend) to come over and chat instead of going any further with all of that was SUCH an easy decision to make.

You all know how impulsive I am. I’m on the extreme end of the borderline  personality disorder spectrum. I’m as impulsive as they come. Even as depressed as I can get sometimes, overall, I’m still happy. And I want to illustrate how that can be so that everyone with depression can understand exactly HOW it gets better and what you have to look forward to in life.

There was a time when I was having a total breakdown on my closet floor. Like, panic attack and all. Couldn’t breathe, felt like I was legitimately going to die, had my phone on 911 with my thumb over dial because I really did feel like I was dying from the panic attack. As I laid there, sobbing and gasping for air, torn between “I wish I would just die” and “I should call 911 coz I feel like I’m dying”, my panic attack began to subside. As it did, I laid there sobbing unable to get up, unable to even move. But what was the very first thing my mind thought at that moment as my mind began to clear? Normally, I would think “God, I just want to die” or maybe thinking of ways to kill myself or ways to justify killing myself. But no. I didn’t. The very first thing I thought was “Wow, I’m so glad I’m alive. My life is the best it has ever been, it is so wonderful and I am so happy. I wouldn’t want to lose it.”

In that moment, after a horrible breakdown, all I could think about was how happy I was and how great my life was.

And even now, despite me being more depressed and suicidal than I have been in 2, maybe even 3 years now, I feel more motivated, driven, content, in control of my own destiny, powerful and like I really enjoy the life I’m waking up into than I ever have in my entire life. For once, I don’t mind waking up into *my* life. Sure, I would change it in a fucking heartbeat if I could. I think everyone has at least one thing about their life they would change. But I’m now one of those people that wakes up and feels motivated and excited to take on the day more often than not, instead of waking up with pain and this unbearable weight holding you down in bed not allowing you to even get up. I’m no longer that person that wakes up and just instantly bursts into tears and does everything in their power to go back to sleep. Those days are finally over for me... I dare say for good.

I don’t know what I did to deserve being happy. . . but I’ve worked so goddamn hard to get to this point. I’ve taken all the right steps over all these years and I guess it has all paid off. I’ve gone through a decade worth of finding the right combination of medications. I’ve finally found the right psychiatrist/psychologist team for med management and therapy. I’m exercising every day, I’m starting to do a bit of yoga, I’m trying to eat right and *trying* to learn to cook (even though it isn’t going well lol), I’m not starving myself anymore, I’m going to physical therapy once a week, I’m keeping myself busy, I’m exercising my mind constantly, I’m doing all the “homework” my therapist sends me home with every week...

After ALL the trial and error of sorting through therapist after therapist... I FINALLY found which “kind” of therapists work for me and which don’t so I can INSTANTLY tell from almost the very first session now if they are going to work for me or not. If I can’t tell, then by the end of the month, I’ll know for sure. I know all the coping mechanisms in the book and I now utilize every one that works for me. And when my therapists ask me what I need from them, I know exactly what to tell them.

I have worked SO. GODDAMN. HARD. ...and it has paid off. It has FINALLY paid off.

I Pavloved my brain honestly. And it worked.

See, my VERY FIRST psychologist as an adult told me I had “Learned Helplessness”, which I did, due to my mother, who is still trying to inflict it on me. It had caused a *LOT* of my depression. This psych had suggested to me that I do corrected thinking, which I’m sure a lot of you are familiar with.

It’s where every time you have a negative/bad/degrading/those kind of thought(s), you *immediately* correct it in your mind and if possible aloud, as well. I thought that was stupid back when I was 18. I thought everything was stupid back then. That psych tried so hard with me and kept me for a year before she finally had to discharge me for noncompliance after I refused to speak for like.... 10 sessions. Idk why she tried so hard for so long, honestly.

Fast forward like... at least 5(?) years from that time.

I was living with my parents after one of those many traumatic break ups I had. Idr which one. But it was one that reminded me of my learned helplessness. And I was in with a new psychologist and they told me the same thing and I was like “oh”. So I started doing it.

Fast forward like a year later. It’s now a habit. I’m now doing it subconsciously without me even realizing it. But the bad thoughts are still the primary thought and I’m still having to correct myself. It’s just that I’m not consciously doing the correcting anymore.

Fast forward to that moment in the closet. That was the first time I realized that my negative thoughts are no longer the primary thoughts anymore. The corrected thoughts are now the primary thoughts. Those were things that I had been telling myself over and over to try to convince myself to believe it. “Fake it till you make it.” My psychs had always told me “even if it isn’t true, if you tell it to yourself enough times, you can make yourself believe it”. Now, studying medicine, I know why. It all makes sense now. Conditioning is so real. And it works. It changed the entire way I think and go about life. My outlook on just about everything has totally changed and the way I do things has just flipped. Things that would have sent me to a psych ward for a suicide attempt in the past in like 0.2 seconds are now motivators for success for me and give me reason to keep doing what I love. It’s unreal what positive conditioning can do if you just change your entire outlook by devote yourself to correcting all your negative thinking every single time until your brain starts doing it on its own.

I’m going to buy a clicker that they use on dogs and click it every time I feel motivated because that’s something I still sometimes struggle with more than happiness and I need motivation more than I need happiness, honestly. (I had to pick one or the other; Can’t pick both, you have to focus in on just one when doing this.) So I’m trying to sort of...bottle motivation, if you will. If I can just click it every time I feel a rush of motivation, which is at random throughout the day multiple times a day, in about a year or two time (I hope, maybe longer), I’ll be able to click it and get a rush of motivation from the sound. :)

ANYWAYS.

I know I post a lot about my journey with mental illness, so I just wanted to let you guys know that, uh... it hasn’t changed. My “it gets better” posts are still happening. It did get better. It stayed better. Just because I feel suicidal or depressed sometimes doesn’t mean it isn’t better anymore. It is still very much better and I am still very much as happy as can be. I am allowed to feel suicidal and depressed within my bubble of overall happiness. That’s what a lifetime of major depressive disorder and suicidal ideation can do to someone. I still feel like I beat depression even though it is a bit more prevalent in my life now than it has been in a long time. I feel I beat it because I can deal with it so much better than I ever have been able to do before. It’s so much more than sadness, but it’s not something that is going to ruin me and kill me like I was in danger of prior to this transformation, if that makes sense. I’ll kill it before it kills me.

So.

I’m going to write up that update post on what is going on in my life. Why I just disappeared off the face of the planet all last month and a little before that and a little after and so on and so forth. I’M DOING SOME REALLY COOL THINGS, YOU GUYS, AND I’M SO EXCITED FOR THE COMING FALL SEMESTER!!!!!! :D

Be sure to read that whenever I get it posted up! ...maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow. Idk. Probably tomorrow, honestly. [shruggy emoji] I’ve got a lot going on right now, but everything is so much slower paced than I’m accustomed to at this point so I feel like I have so much free time. Haha.

Anywayyyyys...

It gets so much better, you guys. Just hold on till it does. And if you ever need anyone to vent to, just hop on in my inbox. Anon is always on! I don’t wanna lie, but chances are, I probably won’t answer you for like... weeks to months at a time to be totally honest coz I’m hella busy, but know I’ll read them! I always do. :)

-KQR

[littlebitoffanfic]

Aint Such A Bad Guy

Fandom: IT Character: Belch – Reginald Huggins Relationship: Belch/reader Request: I LOVE YOU! WILL YOU PLEASE WRITE MORE FOR BELCH??? Idk, him and the reader both have detention and he offers to driver her home but they end up on a date or something? I know you’ll do great! Leaning back in your chair, you signed loudly. This was completely unfair. You should be stuck in detention because of some jackass who couldn’t drive. The door to the room opened and in walked Reginald Huggins, also known as Belch. You thought you had been the only on in detention today, but when the teacher told him to take a seat, you knew it was going to be the two of you. You honestly didn’t know him well enough to have a proper opinion of him. You stayed out of the bad books of most of the people at school so you never really needed to deal with him or the rest of the bowers gang. Belch took a seat in the same row as you but three chairs away. You saw the surprised expression on his face when his eyes fell on you, but just assumed it was for the same reason you were surprised to see him. the teacher rose to his feet and said he had to go get something from his office at that neither of you were to leave. He walked out the door, leaving it open as he did so. Signing, you leaned back in your chair and looked out the window. It was raining heavily in Derry today. You had already got drenched running to school tomorrow, and now you were going to get drenched running home. You lived just outside of town, which was the main reason you had a car. No busses went by your house and your parents were often away for work so you were pretty independent. “What you in for?” A voice pulled you from your self pity, making you jump. “huh?” You turned to him, not fully catching what he had said. “Why do you have detention?” he clarified, thinking you hadn’t understood his question. “Oh, I was late.” You tell him, wondering why he was making small talk with you. Maybe it was because his friends weren’t here. “don’t you have a car? Did yah sleep in or something?” he frowned. “No, I was in an accident on my way this morning. I had to abandon my car just outside of derry and run in this morning. I was soaked when I got it. I explained everything to Mr Robertson but he said I still had detention.” You growled the last bit, annoyed that you hadn’t been given a little leeway considering you had never been late before. “That’s shit.” Belch agreed. “Why didn’t you just go home?” “I was half way between both. And my parents are away so I would have still had to walk back in.” You shrugged. “Still, if you were in an accident. How bad?” He asked. You couldn’t help but smile. He seemed genuinely concerned for you. “I wasn’t harmed. Some guy lost control in the rain and skidded. He scraped the side of my car and as I tried to avoid him, my tire blew. He drove away and I didn’t get his licence plate. I don’t really know how to change a tire in the pouring rain.” You leaned forward on the desk, dreading trying to get home. “I can give you a lift.” He offered, making you shoot up and stare at him. This was risky. You didn’t know if you could trust him at all, let alone in a car. But his friends were always in with him and he hadn’t killed them yet. Plus they were always hanging out the window and doing stupid shit without anything happening to them. But you knew he adored his car and spent every penny he had on it. You saw him lean back in his chair, as if he wanted the floor to swallow him. And, unless you were mistaken, there was a slight blush on his cheeks. “That would be great.” You smiled, surprised he was being so nice to you but deciding to give him a chance. The teacher came back just a moment later with papers to grade and the two of you fell back into silence. But this time, it was more conformable than before. Eventually, he told you both to go home and you gathered your things. Belch waited for you at the door and you both walked through the deserted corridors and out into the rain. You used your coat to cover your hair while Belch had on a hoodie so he pulled the hood up. It was obvious which one was his car because there was only a handful of cars in the lot. You followed him and waited at the passenger side till he unlocked the room and you both hurried in. “Where abouts to do you live?” belch asked as he started the engine. “Its hard to explain, ill give you directions.” You tell him and he starts driving. “Tell me when we’re near your car and I’ll pull over.” He changes the gear a little early and the car judders a little. If you didn’t know any better, you could have sworn he was nervous. Maybe it was the first time he had had a girl in his car. As he turned a corner, you saw a group of kids walked dangerously close to a puddle. “Don’t even think about it.” You look at him out the corner of your eyes and saw a smirk form on his lips. You let out a laugh, knowing he knew exactly what you were thinking and confirming it had been his plan. But he did avoid the puddle, to his credit. From that moment on, things loosened up between you two. He started joking with you and you laughed with him. He was actually incredibly funny and at one point, he had to guess the way because you were laughing too hard to talk. Soon you were leaving derry and on the way to your house. “Oh, its just up here.” You pointed out your car, which was sitting in a layby and Belch pulled in in front of it. The two of you get out the car and walk over to yours, the rain not as bad here because of the trees sheltering the two of you apart from the odd drops. Belch hissed when he saw the scratch on your car and he squatted down at the passenger side tire which was blown. “You got a spare?” He asked. “yeah, it came with the car, but I looked at it and it doesn’t look in good condition.” You opened your car and went to the boot. Opening it and pulling out the bottom, you showed him the tire. “Yeah, that looks in bad condition.” He agrees, leaning in to inspect it a little more. “I think ive got a tire that’ll fit your car at mine. Plus I know how to fix up those scratches.” Belch walked back to the scratches, his fingers running over them to check the depth. You stood for a moment, debating in your mind. But your pause was not unnoticed. “Look, I aint-“ He signed, walking over to you, looking defeated but you interrupted him. “Im sorry. Its just it took me so long to save up and get my car. I don’t know you that well.” You hated yourself as you looked at him. “I know. I aint that bad a guy.” He tried to defend himself, shoving his hands in his pockets and looking embarrassed. “I know.” You smile, seeing him perk up a little. You walked over to him, examining the damage as you did so. “My parents are away till Saturday and I cant get into school without my car. Do you think its possible to have the tire on before tomorrow or is that too soon?” “Nah, I can get it done tonight. I’ll drop you off and get the tire.” Belch couldn’t help but smile at you. Not many people gave him a chance. “Great. Here.” You held out the keys for your car to him. Belch stared at your keys before taking them like they were a lifeline. “Do you need me to come back out and help?” “no, its fine, I’ll not be back out for another hour.” He waved you off and walked back to his car. You followed him, smiling. -------------------time skip -------------------- You leaned against the bumper of your car, resting the bag on top the car. You didn’t want to put it on the floor because it was pretty muddy. The umbrella was resting on your shoulder as you saw the trans-am coming up the path. Smiling, you pushed yourself off your car as Belch pulled in in front of you. “You didn’t have to walk back.” He smiled as he got out his car. “I felt guilty. So I brought an umbrella so you don’t get wet and also some food in case you were hungry.” You took the bag over and rested on his bumper, opening it to show a good selection of pickings. You raised the umbrella higher to accommodate his height as you followed him to his boot and he got out a tire. It was almost identical to your original ones so no one could really tell unless they were inspecting them. He rolled it over to your car and used the repair kit in the back of your car to change the tire. You stood over him with the umbrella the whole time, protecting him from the rain as the two of you talked. It was so strange because the two of you got on like a house on fire, and yet you never noticed how much you had in common until now. “I’ll need a couple of days to get the right stuff to fix the scratches.” Belch dusted his hands as he got to his feet but it was little use, so he wiped it on his jeans. “Thank you so much. Here.” You dug into your pocket and pulled out some money. You knew how much tires cost and also wanted to give him something for the labour. “Let me know how much the starch stuff is.” “No.” he shook his head, turned, and walked out from under the umbrella. “Wait!” you laughed and ran after him, thrusting the money out again. “Just take it.” “I already told you. No.” he smiled at the way out laughed, but refused to take the money. “Take it.” “No.” “Fine, I’ll put it in your car.” You said with triumph and moved past him towards his car. Arms wrapped around your waist and you were pulled into the air, playfully. “Hey!” You laughed, the umbrella dropping to the ground as he lifted you off the ground and away from his car. “Im not taking your money, [y/n].” He was so close to you now, his mouth only inches away from your ear. But you played along. “Why not?” you giggle as he set you nearer your car. You turn around the second your feet touch the ground and before Belch had retracted his hands. There was a moment of silence as you stared at each other. Was it possible to fall in love with someone in an evening? You didn’t know. You did know that you had had a crush on belch when you were younger. A massive crush. But you pushed it to the back of your mind with thoughts it would never happen. You thought you were over it. But you weren’t. “Cause I aint such a bad guy.” He breathes, his eyes darting to your lips and back to your eyes. Droplets of rain ran down both your faces, but burning cheeks stopped them from being noticed. “I know.” You breathed and leaned up, pressing your lips to his. belch moved his hands from your waist to wrapped right around you, engulfing you. Your hands rested on his broad shoulders, gently moving them up and down as you enjoyed the kiss. Sure, you had been kissed a couple of times before. But not like this. Maybe it was the rain and how it made everything just that much more romantic, or maybe it was the way he kissed you back, like it was the best thing that had ever happened to him. He let out a mixture of a growl and a moan into the kiss which made you knees weak. Part of you wondered if he felt the same way. Had he only noticed you recently? Even just today? No, you knew that much. You had heard the teasing when you walked by, his friends saying he was in love with you. But that’s just what guys do, right? It just happened to be you. But maybe there was something more in the teasing? You felt the money in your hand which was now pressed against his shirt. Smirking, you got an idea and ever so gently slid your hand down and to his breast pocket before slipping the money in there before he had a chance to notice. In that moment, the heavens completely opened and the downpour made you jump, pulling back from his lips. Looking up at the sky, you couldn’t help but laugh to yourself. He seemed to understand the silent joke and chuckled along with you. “Wanna go for a drive?” He asks, nodding to his car. “Absolutely.” You giggle. “Let me grab my bag.” Running over to your car, you saw him walk over and pick up the umbrella, collapse it and put it in his car. As you grabbed your bag, you heard footsteps behind you so you closed and locked the door. But before you could say anything, you were being lifted up and carried to his car. “Why?” You laughed, loving how easily he picked you up. “if youre gonna insist on giving me that money, im taking you dinner and a movie.” He smirks as he opens the door and places you in the passenger seat. You took the moment to kiss him quickly before he left to walk around the car and to the drivers side. “Oh so it some sort of date?” You giggled, batting your eyelashes at him which dripped with water. He smiled. “Could call it that. Theres towels in the back seat.” He reaches back and pulls one forward to toss it at you playfully. “At least you’ll have something to brag about.” You giggled as you used it to try dry your hair a little. “Eh?” “Getting a girl all wet with one kiss.” You giggled as you winked at him. Belch had just been about to pull off, and your comment made him miss the bite of the car and it staled with a violent jerk forward. You let out laughter at his flustered face before crawling over to him and kiss him to calm him down. His hands instantly went for your wet hair, seeming to enjoy the feeling of it running through his fingertips. “Thank you. For everything.” You breath against his lips as he looked in your eyes. You wanted him to know you were genuinely thankful for everything and you weren’t just kissing him because you fixed your car. “Told yah. I aint a bad guy.” He smiled as you leaned back into your seat, pulling on the seatbelt as you smiled at him. “I know.”

[mollydollyjournals]

Sunday 7th March, 155.6. Not as bad as it could be. At least it's under 156. Still annoyed at where I am right now though.

I slept really badly again last night. I tried to get up at a normal ish time but I still feel exhausted. I'm sad. I'm horribly touch starved. I feel like absolute shit. Even my extra Prozac isn't touching it right now. I want to drink. I wanted to yesterday and I still do today. Maybe that's a sign this craving won't go away unless I satisfy it. The issue is that either way, is it worth it? Is it worth drinking and putting my liver through more work and maybe eating more and being hungover tomorrow? Is it worth denying myself the one thing that can maybe make me feel better today just so I can feel like this again tomorrow?

I think whatever I do today, I'm going to let myself sleep in tomorrow. It's possible that I'll feel better if I just get some more sleep. I'll have to accept that my body clock has already shifted quite far forward this month. I hate that. But if it makes me feel less depressed and have some energy then it's necessary. If all I need is more sleep, then if I don't drink today and just sleep more tonight, I'll feel better tomorrow.

But I'm tired of just hoping I'll feel better tomorrow. I always hope and I so rarely actually get it. If I drink, at least I know I'll feel better for a bit today. And it'll reset any withdrawal issues. I don't get acute withdrawal anymore but I might still get long term stuff.

I don't know. I just feel horrible and alone and generally shit. I think if I avoid alcohol today, it's not that I'll regret it, but I might feel like it was pointless. If I wake up tomorrow and I've slept later and I didn't drink and I still feel like shit, I'll feel like I denied myself for nothing, and I'll just drink tomorrow instead probably. If I do drink today, I might regret it later. I don't know.

Usually by the time I'm considering it this much, it's kind of set that I'll drink. Usually by the time I get to this point, it takes outside influence for me to not drink. Something has to show up to keep me entertained and busy. That won't happen today. There's no human connection, I'm not expecting any deliveries, all I have is what's here. There's a lot I should do around the house. At the very least I have to do the recycling. I could start retouching my roots, which will take about a week at least because of all the layers of bleach. Attack on Titan comes out later but that's only 20 mins. I could sketch or something. Idk.

None of that enthralls me enough. I feel like I can motivate myself more if I know I have drinks waiting for me afterwards. I could get some wine, do the recycling and maybe my hair and know that when it's done I can just lie down in bed with my biggest oldest cat, drink wine and watch anime. That sounds like a day I could consider nice and might feel okay. But I also might still feel shit afterwards. If I still feel shit after drinking, then I'll be annoyed because I broke my streak.

This is why I didn't want to announce to anyone that I was going to try 30 days. I want to feel like I've changed. Or rather, I want people not to judge me for continuing to do something that's harmful to me. I've said that I'm unhappy for being ill and stuff and Ive struggled to find therapy etc so I want to show that I've changed. I already have, being able to drink once a week is a hell of an achievement. But if I could say I did a month, which I haven't done in years...that would be something else.

But I knew a day like this would happen. Or worse. If I felt any worse than this I'd have definitely got wine and be drinking today. This is that gray area where I'm not sure. Part of me wonders if I should do the recycling and then see how I feel. But i could feel worse by then and want to get loads of wine. At least right now I feel more able to limit the amount.

I don't know. I just feel like shit. It's not that I want to drink. I just don't want to feel like shit.

[loriinae]

post got a little lengthy so im putting a cut! nothing serious just talking abt things i wanna do

im out of school for the semester on dec 7, and ive got a little over a month off. i really wanna make more art! i want to do some traditional stuff and i want to actually finish some projects and maybe take a few commissions...

i guess im inspired by one of my coworkers, she does pet portraits (acrylic paint on small ish canvasses) .. idk how she does it with work and school, but tbf one portrait only takes her an hour or two. shes taken art classes, so its unrealistic for me to think i could work at her pace... but i wish i could

i also have a couple cosplays i wanna do for ala in january, i have a lot of my materials already... actually for all art-related things ive gotten a lot of materials that i havent used/started on yet x_x some of my projects have been "in the works" for... mm.. 5 years (i have all the things to make satyr legs, started collecting materials in high school and never started to actually make em)

another thing i gotta do is organize my room and set up the spare room to be like a workshop area. i havent cleaned my room in forever and i really need to. theres just piles of trash in there honestly. it also makes it feel cramped and stuffy, and its hard to get around some furniture. not good for the psyche. the spare room is my sisters old room turned guest room turned hopefully workshop room. theres good natural lighting (unlike mine lol) and a lot of space. i think itd be good to try and confine my hobbies to that room, cus usually when i work on projects i take over the living room/kitchen lol

and i want to pick up the oboe again, im really afraid that ive forgotten how to play cus its been like 3 yrs. i really do like to play instruments but.... im really bad abt actually doing it. its kind of like school, i like reading and learning new things,but i have terrible self discipline so i rarely do it unless someones making me. (ie, class times/appointments)

theres also online stuff.. i wanna clean up my blog and rewrite some pages and go through and tag/untag things (if youve been following me you can probably tell im very meticulous w tagging. everythings gotta be filed in some category . i tag some content warning stuff but...its mostly for me.) i have side blogs that are sitting around that i wanna set up, or i wanna revamp other side blogs that ive been starting to use again. or i need to update the info. im on mobile most of the time, so im thinking when i get a new laptop ill be on there more often.

thats another thing too... getting a new laptop i need to transfer all my info and set up and install and make sure things are compatible ... its gonna be a whole ordeal bc i dont have anything backed up on my computer /: i also gotta find new install links for winrar and painttool sai, otherwise ill have to find new programs. then i have to buy a new tablet cus mines 8 yrs old and really worn out and kind of falling apart

ooohhhjghghgh... so many things to do and not enough time. i still have work! and school planning (even if im not in classes)! and theres stuff i gotta figure out sooner than later - health things and also getting my goddamn drivers license . i wanna get that before i go back to norcal at the very latest.

theres also. things happening this/next week. since the semesters ending, i have one more test (online, due tonight at midnight) and a couple writing assignments, then for finals i have 2 tests and 3 papers (3 pg, 6 pg, and 7pg) to write. SO!! i gotta work on those!! starting tomorrow if you catch me on here bust my ass! i get easily distracted and id greatly appreciate ur help by keeping me accountable

if you have me on discord/messenger/snapchat even lol (or dont yet but do want my contact info, pm me) i would love if you keep me accountable, make sure im Working... cus god knows. i WILL get distracted. doesnt help that i bought a switch aghgjgnfkhnjfjfg. so. i would really appreciate it 💗

[yourjughead]

This Girl

Jughead x Reader

Requested:  “ Can you please write me a smut with jughead?? I don’t care what it’s about. Anything as long as it’s super smuttyyyyyy. Thank you!! (I love your writing😍😍😍😍)” by havensmommy12417 combined with “A jughead fic with another serpent girl would be nice. Like she would give him shit and stuff but would really care for him and would reluctant about him being of it. Idk just a idea” by annony.

Warnings: Smut and fluff.

Based off the episode where FP is released from prison and Betty and Jughead throw that party for him in the bar. 

A/N: requested months and months ago lol sorry.

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Jughead POV “Hey there Jug, how are things?” yn threw herself down next to me on one of the benches at the empty quarry. “Nothing much ynn” I had lot of on my mind and while I loved talking with my Serpent partner in crime, I didn’t feel a lot like talking. “Really? You weren’t in school, so where’d you hide the body” i smiled at her humor. “Nah its nothing, its just Penney” yn rolled her eyes at me. When i told her what I did, to say she was furious would be putting it lightly. “I told you so, such a witch” “There’s good news though…” “Really? Not a lot of that floating around this side of town” “My dad is getting out” “Oh my god Jug that’s amazing!” her voice reverberated off the walls of the empty quarry. She hugged me tightly, the smell of her perfume coursing through me. I’m happy she was the first person I told, it was nice to get a definite positive reaction. “So why are you hanging out here by yourself loner?” she separated from me again. “I was just thinking about what my dad is going to say when he finds out about Penny.” “Not going to lie to you jug, he’s probably going to be super annoyed-” i looked away from her. It was the truth but i didn’t want to hear it. She took my hand in hers and rubbed the back of it. “-but it’s going to be alright Jug, you’ve gotten through worse” i gave her a small genuine smile. This girl. This girl is as tough as the old boots she wears and just as reliable. My phone buzzed. “Oh bettys home from school…I should go tell her” “You should” yn gave me a smile that didn’t seem to be all there. - “That’s great news Juggy!” betty grabbed me into a hug after I told her the news outside of Pops. Shes awesome. “Why-why do you smell like perfume?” “Oh, must have happened when i told yn earlier, anyway-” “You told yn before me?” she interrupted me, pulling back from me slightly but still holding my arms. “Yeah…she came to check on me when I wasn’t in school, nothing major” “Mmmkay” she didn’t seem to convinced. Veronica and Archie seemed to be in an argument as they both came up behind us. I can’t wait to tell them, Archie will be happy for me while Betty seemed to sulk. “Umm I just remembered I have to do something, I’ll catch you guys later.” before i could object she took off. Ill just have to talk to her later. ~ 3rd Person. You and Toni were busy working your bar shift. Mopping up spilled drinks while the Whyte Wyrm hummed around you both. Betty walked in, with all eyes on the girl next door. You didn’t mind Betty, you had a neutral relationship, nothing crazy. Still you didn’t want to spend any time extra around a northsider than you had to, in the nicest way possible. You left the bar as Betty stepped to talk to Toni. As much as you tried to not listen you couldn’t help but overhear Bettys plan. You shook your head, neither Toni or you and many  of the girl juniors took part in that part of the initiation. You were all trying to phase it out of style and this northsider planning to do it wasnt going to help the cause. ~ Jughead POV My dads party was in full swing, it was so great of Betty to organise it and wow she looked great. Seeing her look so amazing made Pennys words harder to block out. “Hey Jug great party” the sight of yn caught my breath. She looked utterly stunning. “Listen Jug i have to warn you abou-” “-Jug! Come on Karaoke is starting” Kevin cut off yn and dragged me away. Wait what was she going to say?! Warn me about what?! ~ I broke my dad’s heart, I just broke my dad’s heart and now I just broke Betty’s heart. I can’t believe she thought that was a good idea. She broke my heart. I let her walk away, I made her walk away, it’s for the best and that hurts the most. I slid down the side of a car once she had gone and let the cold travel through me. What an absolute mess I have made. I wanted to scream and shout and physically tear my world down around me just so it could match what I felt was happening. “Jughead? Is there a reason that your sitting by my car-” she laughed but then saw my face fully and changed her tone “-Jug what’s wrong?!” I hadn’t even realised I was crying, I could feel the cold from the ground quickly being replaced by YNs warmth as she sat next to me. She slung an arm around me and pulled herself closer. “Tell me what’s happened” and I did simply that. I just rambled and rambled until my hand she held stopped shaking. I could tell this girl anything. “Sweetie its okay, it’ll be okay, you can fix things with Betty and I’ll help you with Penny” “No no I can’t drag anyone else down with me, especially you” “You’re not dragging me down if I go choose to go with you Juggy” she continued to rub the back of my hands while she spoke softly. I pulled a hand from hers and replaced it on her cheek, pulling her in slightly to kiss her tenderly. In that moment I forgot I was on the freezing cold floor of a car park outside of a bar, I was just completely melted into her aura. Then it stopped. “Juggy what are you doing?” she suddenly pulled from me and the cold air returned. “I-I-I-” “You just broke up with your girlfriend and as much as I want this to happen, I can’t have you waking up tomorrow and thinking oh god what a mistake” “I don’t think this is a mistake” i pulled her back in and it really felt like it killed her to tear back away from me. Tears started to form in her intoxicating eyes as she stood from the ground and backed away. Another broken hearted casualty. “Umm I have to- I have to go back to work and- Umm you should go home and text me when you get there and- and I’ll talk to you soon- im so sorry” her voice broke more and more with every word before she put her hands to her mouth and took off back to the bar. Back to the cold i had chosen to surround myself with. ~ 1 week later- Night - Third Person “Who is it?” you replied to the knocking on your trailer door but got no answer. You pulled the door open, a hand hovering over the bat by the door. Jughead let himself in, closing the door behind him without taking his wild eyes off you. He came chest to chest with you walking you back until you found your back against the back wall. “This isn’t a mistake” his warm breath sent shivers down your spine with his wicked smirk helping it along. A gaspy breath left you the moment his hands grabbed your hips and then it was taken away when Jugheads pressed his lips hungrily against yours. Your arms went around his neck and he reached to his hair, ripping off his beanie and then sent his hands to your ass to lift you. A whimper left you as you wrapped your legs around his waist and were pushed harder against the wall. His lips ran down to mark your neck hungrily as your fingers coursed through his raven locks. “Wait wait Juggy, what about betty?” you tried to gain as much awareness of the whirlwind situation as possible. “She’s not you, she was never you and I’ve always wanted you, I’m just sorry I took so long to realise it” his sincere eyes made your heart crumple and you both kissed again more gently.   “I’d follow you anywhere Juggy, I’ll help you with this Penny situation but just- just not tonight” your ran a hand through his hair again, tugging the back of his hair teasingly, his grin grew and he met your neck hungrily once again. The whirlwind countiuned as you found yourself thrown onto the bed and quickly stripping off any betraying fabric that would separate the two of you. His hands ran rampant all over every inch of our body which you simply craved. His teeth tenderly sinking into your chest encouraged by your soft moans. Your own hands helped Jughead to be guided into you. You both release groans and moans at the feeling of Jughead entering you. After adjusting he began moving slowly, picking up the speed as he went. He buried his face in your necks as your nails dug into his shoulder blades. Jughead sent one hand tracing around your thighs, the other bent and holding him up above your head. Your back arched further with every movement and groan that left Jughead. The feeling of your walls tightening around his member sent him into overdrive as he hit his peek, shouting your name and collapsing slightly on top of you. Only not pulling out and continuing to move sloppily until finally you hit earth shattering status shortly after with the band snapping, sending you swearing and screaming Jugheads names as your high is ridden out. Jughead rolled over next you in a huffing mess. He pulled your trembling body into his and covered you both before taking a moment to catch his breath. “Wow i regret that” you hit him into the chest at his breathless “No I really don’t, maybe we should do it again ynn-ie” you giggled at him while he rolled into you, kissing your neck. You pushed him back playfully before burying yourself in his chest, allowing him to wrap an arm around you. “Well that was fun but we really should try and sort this thing out with Penny” you sat up only to be pulled back down by Jughead. “Mmm tomorrow” he hummed against your skin with closed eyes as he traced little circles on the small of your back. This Girl is all Jughead could think of.

————————————————-

Xx

[superbolt]

Quiz Eps.

— 11:03 pm // 02.16.2022

I started a quiz today at 11:30 am with classes in between. It took me almost 12 hours to finish it but I guess I could have passed it an hour early only if I did stick with my idea on a 3-point question. Not the stressest yet, I dont think so hahaha. But todaaay, it’s the “Peace tayo, peace” HAHAHAHAH

— 1:45 am // 02.19.2022

It’s a pre-quiz craming time. How can i even fit all these 31 vidlecs in a night? hahahah galing half way to go. Ok tuloy tuloy.

The quiz was so awful, I can't even...

— 11:48 pm // 02.21.2022

Okayy so, I am currently reviewing for our sepa exams tomorrow and duuude my answer in my recent quiz was so bad, like supeeer bad brooomam. Tipong nakakahiyang ipacheck, its beyond disaster HAHAHHHA. UGHHH. K tuloy tuloy. 🙃

—9:13 pm // 03.04.2022

not quiz-related pero funny. So i assumed na there is no class kaninang 4:30 and nagpost din yung prof ng assignment. Okay, so aware ako na may gagawin but then i didn't even have the plan of checking the due date kasi naman sanay na day/s ang duration hahaha pero pagkabukas ko ng around 7:50, due na pala nung 7:30. Edi i told my friends, thank God we really are friends. Walang nagcheck ng due date hahaha. Yung lang hihi.

— 1:18 am // 03.07.2022

grabe im taking so so long already with this SA. ive manipulated the formula pero di ko parin makuha kuha huhu. Maglab na yata ako.

— 5:29 am // 03.10.2022

discorded from 9 pm to 5:27 am. kinda felt productive, really. tho im not finish yet. zZz. dont wanna have my 7:30 class later- hopefully none.

— 6:28 am // 03.15.2022

discorded from 8:30 to pass 6 and cooked some rice before going to sleep. all my dues are done except for lab, tho im done answering but i didnt turn it in yet

— 2:30 am // 03.17.2022

was planning to finish my el62 and start with my lab computation tonight kaso I just couldnt think straight and fast so tulog nalang muna hihu. My el62 prof is so extra lang in making our quizzes, it makes you work really hard for your score haha. night!

just to share sumthin about this^... so it was around 5:15 pm already when i asked my friend how many pages she was able to do, and out of surprise she told me that she was STILL about to do it. lokang loka si ghurl, our due date is 6:30 that day, and how can u even think and search that fast within approx 1 hr 40 mins. time left (ang hirap kaya magsearch and all knowing that it requires a "detailed" output daw) hahahah grabe samantalang if Ill calculate how much time i spent to finish it, dude thats half day for me hahahha baka more pa. Plus, I was able to fill up full 5 pages including references hahhaha. I cannot with that kind of risk and pressure lang. Power to my friend hahaha. IBA.

— 10:51 am // 03.18.2022

finished video A, did half of the lab computations last night and slept at 6:18 am kanina. i woke up around 9 to eat my breaky and now im back to bed, planning to wake up by lunch or 1 so i can immediately start reviewing for my quiz tomorrow < so sad that i cant make it to the province with my mom huhu > k, l8ers. " 2:44 pm -- woke up at pass 1 to review and kakaend ko lang since i feel sleepy na. im left with 3 vids for video B and another 3 from video C grabe ang hard to understand :€ nakakastress, idk if im still gonna finish it all or just push thru on practice probs. im literally having an absorption crisis. 💀

— 12:38 // 03.18.2022

stopped reviewing already, sleep is more important especially when u know that there is nothing's going inside your head na. haays. hoping for the best or atleast better tomorrow. thank u Lord agad ~.~ gnight and best of luck!

— 3:31 am // 03.25.2022

had a research night with my besties, it was a productive and a fun one. these baes never failed to be so cool. I kinda laughed a lot too and even discorded alongside it. :>> waiting for dad to wee, so i can immediately paint the ceiling part after hahahaha, tibay yarn. ~ seg lang, i really want to eat shawarma from the sharwarma in bloom bukas or sa sat. Di pwedeng matapos nang di ako nakakakain ng tinda nilang shawarma hmm lets see.

— 2:48 am // 05.16.2022

answered our solution thermo quiz ng 11:30 am and submitted it pass 9 pm. After dinner, I immediately started with my PhychemLab quiz and natapos ko naman din by pass 12 then reviewed sobrang a little lang on CRE. Ang sakit parin talaga ng back ko huhu. goodnight. Buy ako ballpen tomorrow.

— 12:25 am // 05.18.2022

no naps for today. Quiz whole noon to evening. Im more of tired than drained? anw ill get things done tomorrow na hopefully all. And go buuuuy ballpen refill for real na tomorrow.