#ill be ok. i dont have a choice.
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Actual footage of me after an 18 hour work day complete with guilt spirals and shame.
#worked a night shift last night after not sleeping well already. then had to take a client in for surgery. be at the hospital for ~7 hours.#then leave. get him food. get him home. realize none of his meds are in the mar so my staff cant record when they passed meds.#finish with that and go to drop off the company car. dont have my office keys so cant bring them in. fine ok jesus.#get home and have a hell of a time trying to park Husbos car cause its big and im not used to it.#already feel like shit so go to have a shower. then out of fuckin nowhere start guilt/shame/self hatred spiralling because thinking about#clients that died that i knew and how shit i feel because i shouldve done more or done something different or said something#and feeling angry at myself and sad and just fucking missing them#im finally in bed now. ive had a good cry. now im going to bed.#sorry for the vent#just. suddenly everything hit me all at once and it was a lot#ill be ok. i dont have a choice.#the artist complains#the artist has spoken
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This is very much an experimental unsure thing but now that the student experience is slowly catching up to me im thinking of opening commissions for portraits in the style of those gravity fals one i made? As i really like making them and dont really have the time to sell more polished arts. Well i dont know if theres an interest in that. Theyd be for 20 usd i think. Well alright
#cant really get a job at the moment so ill take whatever. i have not forgotten about keychains i just need things to stabilize first#feedback much appreciated? though even if the interest is low i will still try to do them. not much choices#TO CLARIFY i am not in a dire situation. trust me youd know if that was the case. im doing ok. so dont feel obligated to do anything#peace and love forever
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steddyhands modern au inspired by this post:
(1828 words, themes of kink but nothing explicit, established blackhands & gentlebeard-centric. Happy Pride!)
Stede picks up leatherworking in the wake of his divorce. He's not exactly sure how it ended up being such an important hobby for him, only that he had always admired the intricate designs on his horse's best bridles, and with little else to do with his time, he decides to give it a go.
It's rocky going at first, but he's having fun working with his hands for the first time in his life, and there's a sense of satisfaction in seeing the design come to life as he works. With practice, his skills improve, and he learns how to make things that are truly one of a kind.
He starts off posting his pieces online, as a way to reach fellow enthusiasts, but quickly finds himself with a rather large audience. Stede’s style is unique, and, after many requests from his followers, Lucius encourages him to make some more basic pieces he can sell. It's not about making money for Stede, but another way to meet new people who share his interests- as Lucius keeps telling him, it's sad that his personal assistant is the main person he talks to these days.
So Stede sets out on a new adventure, and has quite the time designing a new range of patterns for the market. He makes purses, belts, bracelets, and, most importantly, dog collars- all still with his unique designs embossed into them, of course. He rents a booth at his towns monthly craft fair, and very quickly finds himself with a new group of friends in the other regulars- Pete, his usual neighbour, who sells an array of wooden figures he carves, Roach, who runs a stand for his bakery, and Frenchie, who isn't actually a stallholder, but is almost always busking near his friend Wee John’s stand of knitted goods, bringing life to the market even in the pouring rain. There's also Buttons, another regular at the market. Nobody is exactly sure what he does there- he doesn't sell things, or seem to buy anything either, but rain or shine, he's there with the birds.
Stede’s been doing this a few months by the time June rolls around. As he's setting up his stand, he notices that the area is much busier than it’d normally be at this time of morning. Lucius, who got roped into helping run Stede’s stall somewhere down the line (despite his protests that this is not what personal assistant means… But hey, he got a boyfriend out of it, at least), reminds him that there's the parade today, too- not realising that Stede had no clue there was a parade today, and especially not that it was pride. Stede immediately jumps to fretting about the amount of stock he’s brought, and Lucius takes the cue to escape, saying he’ll go and grab them coffee (but really, he's off to flirt with Pete)
Lucius is still missing when Ed stumbles across the little leather stall. Stede’s just ran back to his car to fetch his last boxes of inventory, and by the time he returns, Ed’s already begun to narrow down his choices. Stede greets him, starting to tell him that they're not actually open yet, but before he gets more than a couple of words out, Ed’s exclaiming “You're a Kiwi!!!”
The two of them smile at the shared recognition, and Stede says he’ll make an exception, just for Ed, and asks him what exactly he was interested in. Ed tells him that he's looking for a collar “for his boy”, and points out the particular design he was looking at. It happens to be one of Stede’s favourites from this latest run of work, a fact he mentions to Ed. It leads them into a discussion about Stede’s craft, and Ed’s Izzy, and then everything in between. Ed’s listening intently to the things Stede’s telling him, completely drawn in by the process, and by Stede himself. He watches as Stede stamps Izzy's name into the collar, and Stede even lets him have a go at one of the stamps.
Lucius reappears sometime in the middle of this- only to immediately retreat again, seeing Stede engrossed with Ed. He sets up camp at Pete's booth opposite, watching this man flirt intensely with his boss- and Stede flirt back just as hard. Does Stede even realise he’s doing it? Lucius had known Stede was gay since before Stede even admitted it to himself, but this is on a whole other level.
The pair stand there so long that Izzy comes to look for Ed- the two of them are manning a float on the parade with their crew, and it's past time for them to get geared up. He's already worked up, frustrated to have been left to set up everything alone, when Ed had just gone to see if he could get them both coffee. So maybe he's a bit of a prick, approaching with a brash “where the fuck have you been, Edward”, to which Stede brings the same energy, giving a bitchy “Ed! Do you know this guy?” Izzy tenses, ready to snap, but then Ed cuts in, excitedly telling Stede that this is “his Izzy!” Which confuses the hell out of Stede.
Forgetting his earlier attitude, he asks Ed if he “really named his dog after his friend”, only to be met with confusion right back from Ed at where the hell Stede got the idea he had a dog from. Stede gestures at the bag with the collar in it, to which Ed has to tell him, “oh, no, that's for him.” Ed tells Stede that they're here to run a float for their local leather society, and while Stede is certainly shocked by what Ed’s saying, he's not finding himself… uninterested. It's simply that he’s never even considered any of this before, especially not that people would use the things that he made for this, but Ed sounds so enthusiastic about it all. He tells him about how his friends would love to see Stede’s work, about how classic leather gear is always so fucking boring- but not Stede’s stuff, no, Stede’s stuff is “fresh” and “fascinating” and unlike anything Ed’s ever seen before.
Ed's enthusiasm is incredibly infectious, so when he invites Stede to come back to see their float, he readily agrees. It’s a concept Izzy’s less than enthusiastic about. He doesn’t really want to bring this man who’s dressed like he just walked out of a HOA board meeting to their kinky little corner of the world, but he is having a lot of fun watching Stede squirm, so decides not to raise a protest. He does demand he gets his long-overdue coffee first, though (Stede pays for it- as “compensation for him distracting Ed from his job”, he says, not giving Izzy a second to process before he's tapping his card)
By the time they return to the float, Fang, Ivan & Jim are waiting for them, all already geared up. Stede is stunned silent at the sight for about 5 seconds, before he starts actually looking at the quality of Jim’s harness, and proceeds to go off about the poor quality of the craftsmanship, about how the hardware is tacky and completely the wrong choice with this leather, how his “ten year old daughter could do a better job!!!”
There's complete silence from the group, until Izzy, of all people, bursts into laughter at Stede’s audacity (and, the fact he was staring at Jim's tits completely unabashedly, like he hadn't even noticed them in the first place). Izzy's laughter sets Ed off as he tells the group about Stede’s misunderstanding- “you didn't say he was a person!” “I mean, he's my dog”- and soon everyone's having a friendly giggle at Stede’s mistake.
It's somewhere in the middle of the retelling that Ed remembers that this whole thing happened because he was buying Izzy a gift. After a moments fumbling, he presents Izzy with the collar- It's a rich, deep black, embossed with a rolling pattern that resembles waves. It’s made from a firm enough leather to take the tooling, and to remind Izzy that he’s owned while he’s wearing it, yet still soft enough for long term comfort. Izzy's eyes immediately lock on to it, an unreadable expression coming over his face, and Ed turns it; first so he can really see the design and Izzy’s name embossed into it, and then so he can see the small “Ed ♥” on the inside of the collar, right over his swallow tattoo.
“I did the heart,” Ed says to him softly, intended only for Izzy’s ears. Izzy's eyes flick up to Ed’s, and he raises his chin to give Ed the room to put it on. Ed buckles the collar around his neck almost reverently, a test of the tightness turning into a caress of Izzy's neck. It's a perfect fit.
It's as though something comes over Izzy; so twitchy and abrasive earlier, now silent, staring at Ed with a look akin to worship in his eyes. He obediently tilts his head for a kiss as Ed's fingers move to his chin- It's a sight to behold, and one that has Stede intrigued. He wants to know more about this lifestyle, and these men in particular. He wants to be the one to put that expression on Izzy's face.
The moment breaks as Ed and Izzy pull apart, and Ed calls for the crew to finish the last bits of set up. Izzy shakes himself a little before running off to bark orders again, but even still, there remains a softness to him that wasn't there before.
Ed turns back to Stede with an apologetic smile, already obvious that he has to get going. Before he can speak, however, Stede jumps in -“My business numbers on the card in the box… I'll be around all day”- Ed’s smile turns more genuine at that, promising to stop by if he gets a moment, and that he’ll send his friend's Stede’s way- “if he wants that kind of business.” Stede says that he does, actually- that he's seen a whole new world already today, and, while he was a little taken aback at first, he can feel the passion Ed and his friends have for this life. If there's one thing that's ever mattered to Stede, it's other people's enthusiasm. Maybe he doesn't completely understand yet, but he would like to try.
One year later, Stede’s back at the market on pride weekend again, far better stocked for the crowds this time around. Lucius is finally free to spend the day flirting with Fang & Pete to his heart's content, now that Stede’s roped his own boyfriends into helping him run the stall- and into modelling the merchandise. Ed loves that part, while Izzy needs a lot more convincing, but the puppy eyes Stede & Ed weaponise against him make a very good argument.
#Despite what this post may imply; i actually know very little about the art of leatherwork#Im also not saying Stede got into leatherwork because of his repressed leather kink. But im not not saying that.#(This is not to say that i personally think leather gear is boring- i totally see the beauty in simple/plain designs & i get that the#style is all about the look of straps and hardware. but also. i know in my heart Edward ‘likes a fine thing’ Teach would be head over heels#for fun unique pieces. Its the whimsy of it all)#(not to turn this into OFMD meta but. You can like both; in fact. You can have the leather AND you can have the florals)#ALSO. dont ask me why izzy would find a big difference between wearing gear on the float vs the stand. it just felt right#(ok i do have reasoning. its the directness of it. in the parade its very part-of-a-crowd; every interaction in passing. running the stand#is direct interactions + they are specifically looking at Him. it feels different. but he does it because he loves his partners)#nyxtalks#ofmd#our flag means death#edward teach#stede bonnet#izzy hands#israel hands#blackbeard#blackhands#edizzy#gentlehands#stizzy#gentlebeard#blackbonnet#steddyhands#fanfic#sort of... i dont really consider this fic; more. scenario description but ill admit this ended up way closer to fic than i planned#but the weird stylistic choices are because. this wasnt intended as fully fleshed out fic.#i am not a writer & i dont want to be. im just a guy with ideas over here; and the best way to share ideas is through words#(Please dont count the commas per sentence ratio. Thats between me & god)#also. I cant believe i wrote something that can be tagged as gentlebeard centric. Who am i.
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helloooo have a messy scribble page of oc concepts. unfortunately, im in love and will now proceed to ramble At Length
but before that! rudimentary height chart!
all i know rn is Mairy - the cow - is about the same height as Howdy/Barnaby/Poppy (around 8ft), Hettie & Daisy are in the Wally/Julie/Sally category (around 3ft), and Jesterly is more Frank/Eddie (around 4ft). Derry Drake is fuckoff huge, and Casey is... idk really. tall but not That tall
so. rambles. i... have those, yeah
Mairy Love - she/her - lesbian a gorgeous white/blue cow! originally she was gonna be pink/white, but blue/white is my favorite color combo and honestly? it's dairy colors to me. she's big! she's strong! she's very gentle and sweet but also takes shit from no one, even though she doesn't like confrontation much (unless its playful roughhousing! jokes fly completely over her head! i'm thinking she tends to a lovely orchard of various fruit trees, and probably cultivates some crops for fun as well. maybe seasonal ones? pumpkins for the spooky season, fir trees for those snowy days, etc.
Casey J. Mittens - he/him - aro this orange fella is scaredy cat central! unfortunately for him, he's also curious to a fault! curiosity killed the cat, and he fears the day that rings true for him! he'd rather curl up at home or in a cozy tree, crocheting something cute from one of his many balls of yarn than do anything else. he tries to be a voice of reason, but is too easily convinced otherwise. he's that friend who says "we shouldn't be doing this" as he wholeheartedly assists in the shenanigan in question.
Hettie (currently undecided) - she/her - bi true to her honeybee heritage, Hettie is a florist! she boasts an impressive array of flowers that she tends to like her life depends on it. she's always running around to make sure they're all getting the best care - and she's always checking in on her pals to make sure they're taken care of, too. she's a busy bee who wouldn't know a day's rest if it stung her on the ass! It takes a lot to make her mad, but everybody better watch out when her wings start buzzing
Daisy Hop - she/him - pan i actually created Daisy as a supplementary character for a certain au, but realized i could find a place for her in this little group. i'm thinking he runs a little shop - a roadside stall, more like - where she can both sell her own homemade candy & his friends' stuff! she's the only one in the group that can keep up with Hettie's energy, and even surpass it at times. though unlike Hettie, Daisy knows how to take (and appreciate) a break!
Jesterly - whatever/is/funniest - Derry a menace. they love pranks above all else, oftentimes at the expense of others. he's always up to something and is never not scheming something! there's always Someone to bother! in all honesty she's more like an annoying stray cat that no one can get rid of... and they better not try, or they'll face the wrath of this fool's Very large partner! The jester's cap never comes off, and neither does the mask!
Derry Drake - they/them - Jesterly there's no sugarcoating it - Derry is a big lazy grump! it's almost impossible to get them out of their cave, or off of any place they decide to nap. the only thing that can reliably get them moving is the promise - or prospect - of food. it's a wonder how they've accumulated such a hoard of random things in the back of their cave, seeing as they rarely get up at all. they're incredibly nearsighted and bite first, ask questions later - after all, who knows if the colorful blob in front of them is food or not! better to be safe than hungry!
currently in my mind they have their own little community deep in the woods. Daisy lives in a modified burrow, Maisy has a cute farmhouse, Casey lives in a cozy treehouse, Hettie has a small cottage, and Derry & Jesterly live in a cave. within their community, they share practically everything. want a snack? pluck something from the orchard. need a new pair of mittens? ask Casey! i suppose you could say they're communists <3 (except for Daisy. she won't charge his friends, but anyone else is free game)
Mairy and Hettie have romantic tension, Daisy and Derry are the only ones who can tolerate Jes, Mairy wants Jes dead, Casey is terrified of Derry, Daisy's rapid-fire speech confuses everyone but Hettie, etc. i should make a chart for funsies...
#if i want to get realllly out of my comfort zone#i could talk about how my brain automatically started going 'ok this is how they interact with The Neighbors'#but i think. ill save that for now#listen listen for my whole life ive always kept my fan-ocs expressly separate from canon characters#i either put them far away from the action or in a different point in time entirely#but i can. i can have fun? with this maybe? its just a silly side thing... im playing with dolls...#i have Thoughts...#scribble salad#wh oc#welcome home oc#mairy will sometimes crush Difficult To Crush things to intimidate choice people#she's intimidating and she knows it! she'd rather be nice but sometimes a bitch has to get smacked#mairy: im a pacifist#mairy: *loading shotgun* however-#derry often steals casey's yarn for their own hoard#so casey has to go steal it back (or ask for it. either way derry makes a fuss)#I LOVE THEM. FUCK#i dont need any more ocs please... i already have several hundred...
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Edwin, looking at the bracelet: what the bloody hell is that?
Cat king: it's an enchanted bracelet. It only comes off once you do something for me. Take a guess at that it is
Edwin: you know what? Fuck you
Cat king: correct
Edwin: wait what
#am i ok? no#dead boy detectives#edwin payne#cat king#dead boy detectives quotes#but tbf edwin would probaly say stuff not fuck#because hes too polite#cat kimg: but since im a fair and continental cat king ill give you a offer#have sex with me or count all of my subjects.#what a hard one#ngl edwin madw the right choice#becasue hes a minor?#(despite being 123 but still)#like hes never kissed anyone so yeh#iwkejfjfjd#i think he could start a menagery of all the animals who are after him#it would be quite petty but its the thiught that counts right 🤷♀️#i dont really like xatwin but i made this anyways 🤷♀️
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Kinda crazy that we’ve got 3 different lords of fortune between da absolution and tevinter nights and none of them showed up in datv but instead we got. A half assed isabela cameo. Like ok-
#dragon age#dragon age spoilers#dragon age the veilguard#datv#datv spoilers#dragon age veilguard#dragon age veilgaurd spoilers#dragon age isabela#isabela dragon age#dragon age critical#LIKEEE#im fine with most of veilguard ill be honest#i do have other criticisms but my enjoyment overrides them tbh#but i was so excited for the lords of fortune#hell taash is still like. uhh top 3 companions for me#but as a faction. disappointing#the rivain coast is boring as hell#and also. the lof is like. kinda orientalist#especially since we literally dont see any of rivain beyond that fucking beach#and the annoying ass warden area. and the volcano#LIKEEEE#that section just suffers. so much lmao#and isabela. i love her but why include her#if none of our choices from previous games matter lmao#its kinda weird#im sure someone can say all this better but. yeah idk#i still cant get over like. clearly rivaini ppl are based of romani ppl right???#but not seeing any of their culture makes it soo. eugh.#AND GET ISABELA OUT OF THAT OUTFIT#ok im done i swear. probably
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i've felt iffy about only three choices (all from inquisituon, most from a dlc) carrying over since it was released but hearing someone who got to play the game say "the appearances of certain returning characters are going to feel pretty hollow now knowing that they don't know their own past" which. yeah i knew that but worded like that it hurts a lot. we have a morrigan who doesn't know anything about the warden. who may or may not be under flemeth's control. morrigan who cannot mention her potential son.
#morrigan who doesnt know who ati is and how much she is loved by her#i know bioware decided the warden is on a mission to get a cure for the taint and. idk im just so annoyed#i know dao and da2 choices dont rlly matter in the future tevinter for the most part but i think we should have been allowed to say who our#warden and hawke was. they dont even exist in the time of veilguard anymore#theyre really doing nothing with leaving someone in the fade#i kind of feel like crying about ati and morrigan though bc im so frustrated with this game and i love them so much#and they love each other. theyre friends. morrigan has called ati a sister to her.#ok ill stop thinking about this before i cry#dragon age critical#leevi liveblogs
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kind of crazy how everything just Happens to me. like i dont really have any major specific regrets beyond just 'i wish i lived more' but even that in hindsight was kind of contingent on factors beyond my own abilities, but idk its somehow worse this way. i think i would feel less angry and adrift if id done things that landed me where i am, or i dunno just had any say in it instead of just being fuckin tossed around year after year
#boo idk its just frustrating to constantly be like. oh. well i guess this is happening now. ok.#and just having to wait until the next thing#i mean i know from another angle this is very like. woe is me guy who doesnt ever take agency#but can we be honest its not that simple in the real world lol#anyway whatever the point is i was just thinking about the past few years and i really dont regret my major choices where i had them#unrelated but AUGH i fucking hate how im like. in such a good place w my body image#(after decades of the classic dysmorphia hatred etc etc) but theres just TWO things i cant get on board with#idk its just so frustratinggggggggggggg. i guess ill just blow up#i have this totally irrational thought pattern of like. well im not even striving for conventional attractive bs right#im not skinny or modelesque or white and i dont want to be any of those things i like how i am#so i should get to change these two aspects i dislike as freebies. like i can convert being beyond status quo into bodymod points or smth ?#girl what are you talking about 😭
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enjoying archiving characters. taking them to the back and shooting them.
#luly talks#keabin watching me point the shotgun and peepers (deliberate choice just to bring more tragedy into his life)#i think if you shot Bo point blank their eyes would just be all that there's left#idk if i wanna take jack phoenix out tho... i NEED to rework my jack man#ill let him hidden. he's not gotta die. i spare him. go. run as fast as you can boy. be free.#adams too gets to stay. on thin ice tho im less attached to him but thats ok#estefany too is just staying. idk if i want to unhide her tho. i could? it'd be nice.#never had a bad encounter on artfight but i'd ask to be particurlarly respectful w es.#Ace's gang is all getting the shotgun treatment tho sorry#havent drawn any of them full body and tracy and cash dont even have canon designs still#those there? not canon. they're shit. that's not them#i love the description of estefany btw id PROB remove their war criminal past but would smoke weed w you. true..#yeah estefany is coming out of the workshop. heart.#i do have more art of her. god. we need to do something about those fucking pronouns im not joking#someone tell me a good pronoun middle ground between she and they she just hasnt been fitting but they is too far
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balancing "I do acts of service bc I love you" and "I don't wanna mother you" is very difficult at times
#its not that he expects me to mother him#i just have to catch myself as im doing things and remind myself im doing it out kf my own choice and love and not obligation#like ill do ur laundry and sweet uour room bc i love u. dont expect me to do it tho yknow?#anyway tgis is in no way a dig on my bf bc he doesnt expect me to do these acts of service i love him if i told him no hed be like “ok <3”#just self reflecting rn#ratt squeaks
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i can't believe its already july what do you mean half of the year is already over... you're saying ive spent nearly 7 months constantly drawing re:kinder— it has felt like 3 months?!
genuinely stunned it seriously has felt like 3 months to me... I was just so redoing some turnarounds i did for yuu very early on and was thinking. "wao ive really gotten more of a grip at drawing him in these last 3 months!!!" only to check the date of those early drawings of him I made to see the month DECEMBER 2023. HUH???
#not art#i talk!!!#like yeah ive obviously havent made dozens of drawings of this in 3 months thats just not possible for the condition of my hands#BUT I NEVER DID NOTICE HOW TIME FLEW BY... time sure flies when you're having fun#and yeah i did turnarounds for a character that isn't an oc of mine because i draw him a lot#and his hair is goofy and such and i want to keep it consistent at different angles. its always been because of his hair www#I DONT KNOW I LIKE KEEPING TRACK OF MY STYLISTIC CHOICES FOR CHARACTERS THAT ARENT MINE#when you draw a certain character a lot it starts to become inefficient to have to pull up multiple drawings of them for angles and color ok#but thats not the point how did half a year pass by#what a good game ... (thought in head every day because it is such a good game)#it onyl speaks to the impact of this game id say. aweosme game#ill be honest i didnt expect for myself to go on drawing this for so long back when i first drew it#when i first drew it i rushed out something not really expecting to make anything more than a few doodles#because i am dense as a rock and cannot be convinced to draw something often very easily its always been one offs for me#SO YEAH SEEING THAT NEARLY 7 MONTHS HAVE PASSED IS SURPRISING TO ME i didnt notice when i started to enjoy it this much#thank you rekinder for awakening me once more to the wonders of art will continue to draw
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ok this is final! conversations on love 3 (gojo x reader) (col 3) will be released in a few hours hehe it’ll be posted along with a separate piece that’s an extended cut of one of the scenes!
#i’m in the final final FINAL edits hehe#will post it in the 9am pst / 8pm est time slot bc it appeared more n theres an overlap hehe … best of both worlds !#gna pray for the algorithm !#but yes im rlly nervous abt it ! for reasons i talked abt a while ago#i dont think its my best writing just bc it skips thru a lot of scenes so it might not feel as cohesive#and i didnt add as many literary motifs as tell me about love#bc i didnt want it to be overkill 😭😭😭#but yea … ill post fun facts after its released ! or parts that were cut out ?#see u all later !!#we can have tea ! coffee ! a midnight snack ! wtvr ! when it’s released hehe#shotorus.process#wait im dumb lol the timeslots dont overlap i misread the am/pm sign HAHAHAHAHHAHA ok i guess i have no choice but to choose.
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they cant get rid of me that easily
#ok job update for those of you invested in this storyline#BEFORE this interview was even brought up or arranged. i thought i had the job and that it was going to be close enough to my current job#AFTER the interview it was clear i did not have the job and i would be contacted if i got it and also its way more involved than my job now#also i just really did not get the greatest vibes about the new job and the place itself.#theyre starting up but they dont seem to have their shit together#they also wanted to like. hire me as one thing but like have me essentially work different jobs as needed#which like. pay me more lol if youre giving more duties or responsibilities. you know#and while yes i complain about my current job theres good to it too. good pay for doing a job thats pretty close to not doing a whole lot#i value my goofing off time. its important#goofing off aside like it is good that i have moments when i can relax. or have time to do things like write my screenplay#which i should work on .#but anyway i know im making the right choice for what i wanna do. and this new job aint it#ill keep looking for better jobs but for now im happy in my often stupid but still good job#before i was cackling evilly abt the prospect of leaving here now im cackling evilly about staying#a very 'when you leave' sort of situation to tie it all together. anyway a crazy past couple of weeks that ive survived
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ok lore updated for this bitch
like half of it is just relationship drama which is EMBARRASSING but i mean. what else am i here for really. the other stuff is way harder to explain but god i tried!!!!
#i mentioned 2 other characters of mine that i wasnt initially planning to add to af but#i fuckin might who knows. they ended up playing a bigger role in our story lately#+ there's one other guy one of those guys hangs out with that i kinda sorta had a planning for but it sorta didnt go very far#and then his buddy stole the role LOL#barfs augh so many characters so little substance SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i never claimed to be good at making up characters#but hes been the main character of our joint google docs lately#so hes a feature i guess. i gotta add sage i love sage :( i did post sage like once here lol#and fuckin.... sydron idk if i showed sydron lol my bitch ass killdeer of a guy#idk it's a whole thing but if i have too many characters up there [i already do] i think it overwhelms people w/choice#and then theres all the twst fankids klfsjfkwjkeljf god i need to fucking chill out#i also really need to redo some references bc the tiny guys i did for color ref are kinda UGGO but. god i dont want to drawing in color ful#takes forever!!!! and im trying to get a job!!!! i got shit to do!!! but also no job means more time sitting around llol...#ok whatever thats not the point here i have my scorpion man who fucks and he has lore now BYE!!!#maybe ill go update flannery next idk lol#oh wtf it is 1am ummmm. maybe flannery tomorrow i need to SLEEP
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Im so fucking tired of allistic people man...
They always present like 2 choices for you and go on for days about how they understand either choice, they won't judge you no matter what you pick and how they'll be fine regardless then act all disappointed and whiney when you make that choice and they didn't get the answer they wanted.
I'm sorry, how was I supposed to know that was the wrong choice™️. If you wanted me to do something why didn't you say it. I don't care about all your little social shit, be honest with me. I didn't choose based on your wants when I don't know what you want. I made the "selfish" choice despite everyone around me saying they supported my decision and totally understood. Then I'm the bad guy. For making a choice. That I was assured over and over again that I wasn't going to be judged for.... I'm so tired of this... I'm so tired of allistic people setting these fucking landmines for me. Like they enjoy my suffering. I always get fucking burned in these situations. I can either just do what I think they want with varying response or I can be honest and unmask and do what I think is best for me then they all collectively sigh and look away like Im the disappointment...
If it's not truly safe, don't fucking tell me I'm safe. If I truely won't be judged, don't judge me. If I can't safely unmask, don't tell me to be myself and make my own choices. Even allistic people who had no fucking skin in this game judged me. I chose the option that was best for me and now I'm the villain. Again. Fuck allistic people man, fuck those wishy-washy judgey ass people.
#clover speaks#clover vents#its ok they said just do whats best for you they said#and my dumbass was just like yeah sure 😚 and now im looked at like a monster for taking a choice they gave me#and encouraged me to take! ill support you no matter what my ass#it makes me feel so fucking unsafe in my chocies like a fucking saw trap#its always multiple choice questions and nothinge ever seems like the right choice#they are always wrong and everyone always despises me abit afterwards#even when i know i didnt do anything wrong i didnt hurt anyone and i made a chocie for me#its all supports and i love yous and its oks up until the tism comes back out and i get the cold shoulder#i get the look aways and the silence#they know they are hurting me and they dont care about the betrayal i feel over being basically lied to#i know its your choice but i felt like- ok then why didnt you say anything BEFORE I MADE THE CHOICE#FUCK ALLISTIC PEOPLE IM SO FUCKING TIRED OF THEIR QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS GAMES THAT MAKE ME LOOK HORRIBLE FOR NO REASON#IM SORRY I DIDNT READ YOUR EXPRESSION ITS ALMOST LIKE I HAVE A MODERATE MENTAL DISABILITY THAT PREVENTS ME FROM RWADING EXPRESSIONS#i just wanna say or do something right and they always judge me no matter what#im never safe around these people because everything is always watched and judged according to their morals and what they would choose#as if their morals are superior to mine because they are fine with throwing themselves at trains over nothing and im kot#fuck allistic people man#im so stupid for believing them and thinking this time ill be safe...#im never safe i will never be safe#im always so scared of looking like a stone faced unfeeling monster who dosent love anyone or anything and they always make me into it#no matter what i do or how much i try to express it#i feel things i love people im not a robot#this hurts so much...#sorry for the total lack of context but you dont need any#i dont want or need any more allistic judgement
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love my right-hand rgg men deranged. a little blood splattered even.
#snap chats#this post is about yoshitaka mine and jo sawashiro do NOT reblg and put anyone else in the tag or im egging your house#one of you rebellious bitches are gonna do that cause i said it now... unless we keep playin uno and we go#'oh but now that you said that i wont touch this post' OK WELL GOOD IM RAMBLING IN HERE !!!!! GET OUT !!!!!#dont get out. stay if you want. its dark down here i have two (2) candles burning this time and i feel like im summoning the devil#yeah i am summoning the devil the motherfucker that lives in my mind#im never getting to the point of this post. btw. im stringing all of you along. im cold. literally and figuratively.#mine never even got to be blood splattered..... hate this franchise..... unless we talkin ishin but ishin was a blood bath it dont count#anyway sorry (<- not) someone reminded me of majima being fake crazy about kandas head in the box#call that a dick in a box GOTTEM. fuck kanda all my homies hate kanda#and yeah...... sat here and started thinking and giggling and kicking my feet 🥰#sorry i mention the eye scene once a month but no other scene compares to it for me. it has everything i could ever want#🏳️🌈❓❓ behavior and raw gore and nothings more brutal then personally taking your thumb and sticking it in someones eye#always reminds me of that slipknot song.. Duality... and not the song called Eyeless.... hate this band....#like please its my crack its my meth its my drug of choice#knife scene good too for similar reasons....... but i do like the eye scene just .2% more... sorry... i like how gorier it is...#knife scene still raw as hell tho like UGH sorry love them. i love jo and mine cause they Seem calm for like .2 seconds and then theyre ill#their demeanors are so funny to me tho like mine's like Thoroughly professional near all the time but jo is just Slightly more vulgar#like jo more typically says crass/aggressive things while mine Genuinely most of the time is just 🧍♂️#very funny... love them all the same... <- said he was gonna draw but hasnt drawn shit#I SAW THE FIRST EPISODE OF KYOUEN (jdrama starring nakai) AND NOOO IT LOOKS SO SPICY I WANNA WATCH THE REST#but i made a promise..... so i'll save that binge session for the morn i suppose....#anyway dont look at me im giggling and twirling my hair at the thought of my Real Crazy bitches#i love them <- cant say this enough my heart will literally explode if i try to#stream chat got me thinkin a jo.... oopsie..... i refuse to say anything heinous Respect Your Elders etc etc#ok bye. im normal <- is going to go watch the eye scene again
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