#ill ask my new manager if i can do a 4 day work week

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New's T skincare (and more) recs🏳️‍⚧️🥄

Hello! I'm a enby spoonie trying out a low dose of testosterone for gender and health reasons. Some of you asked how I'm managing my skin now that it's oilier on T, so here are some recs. If you find any of this information helpful, please consider dropping a tip in my ko-fi, becoming a Patron, or donating to my GoFundMe. Every bit helps me afford medical care and stay afloat when I'm too sick to work. ❕ Disclaimer: I'm not a doctor or an expert, just an ex-retail worker with a special interest in skincare. These are products/routines that work for me, so you'll have to experiment to find out what your skin responds to. Always patch test and if your skin really struggles on T, definitely talk to a dermatologist. This isn't my entire collection of skincare, just stuff that is especially good for managing/healing acne. I'll still be listing some products I don't have yet but plan to get in the future as suggestions. If you want to know about other things like under eye care, send an ask and I'll try to answer. Also, you don't have to be on T to try any of this stuff out. If you have some of the same skin concerns I do, then some of these things may be a good match for you. Even before T, it took work to keep my skin clear. It just takes more intensive care now.

ʙᴇꜰᴏʀᴇ ᴡᴇ ɢᴇᴛ ɪɴᴛᴏ ɪᴛ: 𓈒⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒

✨Keep in mind that I'm really extra and having a fancy routine like this is part of how I self-regulate. I also have different routines depending on time of the year, time of day, my cycle, whether or not I wore sunscreen/makeup/a mask that day, etc. You absolutely do not need to go as hard as I do with so many products. If you're completely new to skincare, it's fine to keep it simple with cleanser, toner, and moisturizer (and sunscreen when going out!), with masks or spot treatments as needed. 💊A little more info on my situation: I'm on T in short cycles for subtle changes and it turns out that T is really good at treating some chronic illness as well, especially autoimmune disorders. I'm diagnosed with ulcerative colitis, type 2 narcolepsy, fibromyalgia, myalgic encephalomyelitis (CFS), and more. I've been "suspected" for RRMS for a few years due to all of my neurological symptoms but my MRI's don't show much other than some bulging discs. I'm not officially diagnosed yet but am suspected for endometriosis, with an enlarged ovary, backed-up kidneys, unidentified lesions on my colon/bladder, and daily debilitating pelvic/back pain. My periods kill me dead but even when not on them, I'm still in a lot of pain all the time. So far the T really helps with fibro pain and definitely gives me more stamina. My periods have been easier too. Still not pleasant, but not killing me as much. The fact that I've been able to work even one day on my period the past few months is a huge improvement, even if I'm still doubled over with a heating pad. One concern I had with starting T was my skin. I've never had severe acne, but I'm still acne prone as an adult. Luckily I worked in skincare for a while, so I've had a solid skincare routine for a long time now. Since starting T, I've been refining my routine in order to minimize breakouts and heal ones that do happen. The same goes for my hair/scalp routine since I have psoriasis and have to do clarifying treatments twice a week anyway. T can carry the risk of more oil, clogging, and fall out. This post will mostly be about skin but I'll add some of my hair and other recs too. ─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

♥𝚃𝚊𝚋𝚕𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝙲𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚜♥ I: Skincare 1. 𝘾𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙣𝙨𝙚𝙧𝙨 𝘢. 𝘔𝘰𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘯𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘣. 𝘌𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘯𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘴 2. 𝙈𝙖𝙨𝙠𝙨/𝙩𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙩𝙢𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙨 𝘢. 𝘞𝘢𝘴𝘩-𝘰𝘧𝘧 𝘮𝘢𝘴𝘬𝘴 𝘣. 𝘚𝘩𝘦𝘦𝘵 𝘮𝘢𝘴𝘬𝘴 𝘤. 𝘚𝘱𝘰𝘵 𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘴 3. 𝙏𝙤𝙣𝙚𝙧𝙨 4. 𝙎𝙚𝙧𝙪𝙢𝙨 𝘢. 𝘔𝘰𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘶𝘮𝘴 𝘣. 𝘌𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘶𝘮𝘴 5. 𝙈𝙤𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙪𝙧𝙞𝙯𝙚𝙧𝙨 𝘢. 𝘔𝘰𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘰𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘪𝘻𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘣. 𝘌𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘰𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘪𝘻𝘦𝘳𝘴 6. 𝘽𝙤𝙙𝙮 𝙖𝙘𝙣𝙚 𝙘𝙖𝙧𝙚 7. 𝙀𝙭𝙩𝙧𝙖 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙘𝙖𝙣 𝙝𝙚𝙡𝙥 8. 𝙀𝙭𝙖𝙢𝙥𝙡𝙚 𝙧𝙤𝙪𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙚𝙨 𝘢. 𝘔𝘰𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘦 𝘣. 𝘌𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘦

II: Haircare (coming soon) III: pH care (coming soon)

✦•······················•✦•······················•✦ Skincare 1. Cleansers

I have a lot of cleansers because I like to be prepared for every situation, so only a few are pictured here and only ones related to acne care will be listed below. If you want to know what other kinds of cleansers I use, send me an ask! a. Morning Cleansers - In the morning, I usually just do wipes to avoid stripping too much. I'll only actually do a cleanser with water if I feel particularly oily or if I'm actively breaking out and need to start the day with something that's more of a treatment. Senka All Clear Water White - Shiseido, the makers of Senka Pure Whip (one of my fav cleanser lines!) now has a micellar water line. I've tried a lot of micellar waters over the years and this is definitely my favorite one. The Fuji Sakura essence and licorice root are brightening for dark spots (a problem I have after acne) and the Uji Green Tea essence is to remove excess oil and keep the skin matte. I wanted to try the Fresh version which is better for oily/acne prone skin, but was only able to get my hands on the White version but it works great. If I end up finding it, I'll update this post with my results. Fourth Ray Beauty Detox Sesh Purifying Cleansing Wipes - These are fabulous for oily break out mornings. Lots of good stuff like tea tree, witch hazel, and willow bark to treat acne. Can sting a little bit if you're sensitive, but hasn't given me any major issues. Sometimes I use it with a little bit of the micellar water to get an extra cleanse.

Trader Joe's Tea Tree wipes - Been using these for a really long time. They're quite strong, with tea tree and alcohol, so I mostly use them on my neck, chest, and shoulders for break outs there. But I still use them on the face a few times a week as needed for acne. There's also witch hazel, chamomile, ginger, neem, and more. Just a good combo of stuff. Since it's a bit stripping, be sure to tone and moisturize after.

b. Evening Cleansers - In the evening, I usually focus on double-cleansing, especially during a T cycle or if I've been out wearing sunscreen/makeup/mask. Double-cleansing is usually when you use an oil-based cleanser or balm to first cleanse other oils/gunk from skin, and then you use a foam or scrub-type cleanser after (or over) it to get that extra deep cleanse. Just make sure to tone/moisturize well after (will cover those steps too!). Trader Joe's Tea Tree Face Wash - A really simple but effective lathering oil cleanser. CeraVe Acne Foaming Cream Cleanser - CeraVe products are great to start with, as they feature essential ceramides to maintain the skin's barrier. 4% benzoyl peroxide to clear acne, but also with hyaluronic acid to retain moisture and niacinamide to soothe. Senka Perfect Whip - One of my longtime go-to cleansers. It's perfectly soft and foamy, with a bunch of different types now for different skin needs. The original is great during warmer months when I'm oilier anyway, but in the winter I usually switch to Perfect Whip Collagen In for a little more moisture. They have a new Perfect Whip Acne Care foam with the inflammatory agent found in licorice root. I just got my hands on it in May and have been loving it. It's gentle but still potent enough to keep my skin super clear. Momo Puri Peach Moist Cleansing Wash - BCL is a brand I use a lot and their peach line is amazing for the probiotics and peach ceramides. Another great foaming cleanser to replenish the skin barrier but still get nice and clean.

Dark Angels - One of the only LUSH products still worth buying in my opinion (as an ex-employee). I've used this since it came out and it never lets me down. Charcoal and rhassoul are great for pores that get clogged easily, and it's got avocado oil to condition the skin. I scrub this one all over my face, neck, and chest to leave on for 5-10 minutes as a mask while I hang out in the tub. It clears me up fast without irritating my skin. How do I use foam cleansers? Four ways, depending on my needs/spoons that day:

Apply directly to wet skin and massage gently with hands

Apply directly to wet skin and use a very soft handheld brush in small circles. I got mine at Tokyo Central/Marukai Market, but can't recall the brand, sorry!

Use a foamer device to make big whippy clouds, then apply to skin and rub in circles/let sit for 20-60 seconds. Mine is from DAISO.

Apply cleanser to face and/or automatic cleansing brush. I use COSLUS brand. It was affordable and came with a lot of different brush heads, so you can use the one that's right for your skin's sensitivity. I love this thing! I normally use it maybe 1-2x a week, but now on T I use it a little bit more to make sure I get a deep cleanse. ⊹₊┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ✿ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈₊⊹

2. Masks/treatments

a. Wash-off masks - Such as clay masks, gooey masks, or scrub/dissolving type treatments. Tsururi clay packs - Another great product from BCL. I've used these masks for a long time too, definitely my go-to for a quick but effective clay cleanse. These dry in less than 10 minutes. They have a few different types and currently I'm using the Mild Sea Clay pack with Okinawan clay and moisturizing things such as honey, collagen, and olive oil. This one is good if you're more sensitive, but I still find their regular mask gentle enough. They have a limited edition red clay and ghassoul pack that I really want to try as it'll be even better for blackheads. (Tsururi also has a white clay foam cleanser that I tried a few years ago, it's really nice) Tsururi Pore Cleansing Power Hot Stone - I've used this since I was a teenager, it's like magic. It warms up and dissolves gunk in the pores, so I save it for when I'm especially clogged or if I need my face to be extra clean before/after makeup. It's meant to be rubbed in for 60 seconds and rubbed off, but I tend to leave it on for a few minutes to let it do its work. I know this is fine for my skin, but be careful trying it out if you're extra sensitive. Ghassoul, zeolite, grapefruit extract, witch hazel, peppermint - just lots of good stuff for problem pores. SKINFOOD Pear Mint Mask - I'm fairly new to SKINFOOD but have been loving their products so far. This mask is a winner. The mint is cooling and refreshing, and so is the pear with the added benefit of moisture and nourishment. The base is kaolin clay so it's mild but still effective at cleansing pores. This brand has a bunch of other popular masks, so I can't wait to make my way through their lines. Next I want to try their Black Sugar Strawberry Mask. Mad City Soap - Tea Tree & Mint Foaming Facial Scrub - I've bought soaps and body scrubs from this Etsy shop for a decade but only now started trying their skin and hair products. This one is more of a cleanser than a scrub but I use it as a treatment with my other cleansers. It's soo nice. It's creamy and soft, so minty and tingly and wonderful for current breakouts or for preventing them. I use it 1-3x a week as needed. Very potent and a little goes a long way. I'm From Honey Mask - My all-time favorite mask, it leaves me glowing. It's a little bit on the pricier side for me, but it's always worth it. I've been using this for several years and I save it for skin emergencies or special occasions. Honey is a recurring ingredient in a lot of my skincare because it's just so good. It's anti-inflammatory, anti-bacterial, soothing, and helps with elasticity and moisture. So it's not just great for acne, but for anything, really. This mask is very deeply healing so I usually use it after I've had to go hard on harsher acne products and I'm wanting to soothe and repair my skin barrier. This can be a quick 10-20 minute mask but I also leave it on for a full hour when I really need the extra help. This mask uses honey from the Jiri Mountains in South Korea, which have such an abundant variety of flowers that the honey is just jam-packed with healing properties. TONYMOLY I'm Honey Deep Moisture Rescue Mask - If you're on a budget and can't afford the I'm From mask, this one is a great alternative. Honey, propolis, and royal jelly all soothe and hydrate. Still really effective for soothing after harsher acne treatments or during colder weather.

b. Sheet Masks - These masks are great for delivering a bunch of moisture and treatment to the face. I typically save these for emergencies or special occasions but they're also great to use once a week. Make sure to squeeze out what's in the bag too, you can rub it on your neck and chest if you like. Most sheet masks are meant to be left on 10-20 minutes. Ingredients I use a lot are: tea tree or charcoal for break outs, honey or aloe for soothing/healing, strawberry or other fruits for exfoliation, snail mucin for barrier restoration. Naisture - A brand I've used for over a decade, with a lot to choose from. Their tea tree mask is great for break-out days and they also have really soothing aloe and honey ones too. There are a lot of sheet mask brands out there. Other brands I like are Lululun, Kose, and My Beauty Diary. BCL has a 1-minute all-in-one morning sheet mask line called Saborino. They cleanse, moisturize, and prime. I usually use them on work days or tired mornings. I've only tried the grapefruit/avocado one so far but they have so many now. They even have night time masks which would be soothing especially after acne care and covers toner, lotion, essence, cream, and mask in just one minute (but you can leave on for 5-10 if you really need to). ⊹₊┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ✿ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈₊⊹ c. Spot Treatments

MediHeal Tea Tree Trouble Pads - These are great because I don't always want to do a full sheet mask when I have just one or two problem areas. These are like mini sheet masks that come in square pads. I like to cut them in half so I can more easily place them in strips on my face.

Sunday Riley Saturn Sulfur Spot Treatment - I've used this spot treatment for years, it's wonderful for clearing current break-outs and preventing more. Though it can be a little strong and make me red/itchy, so I use it sparingly and always do soothing care afterward.

MAREE Acne Patches - Pimple patches are life-changing. Great way to not just heal acne with the hydrocolloid gel plus ingredients like tea tree and green algae gel, but it covers the acne up to protect it while you go about your day. A very fast and gentle way to heal stubborn pimples. ⊹₊┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ✿ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈₊⊹ 3. Toners

A lot of people skip toners completely and so I get asked a lot why they matter. Toner is an important step for a few reasons: after cleansing, sometimes we can be stripped of natural sebum (oil), so toning is a good way to replenish that moisture. But it also helps prime the skin for moisturizer. The skin's like a sponge, so it's going to absorb moisturizer better if you wet it first with a toner. These days, there are so many kinds of toners with different ingredients and purposes. So I choose a different toner depending on the time of day, weather, how my skin is acting, etc. Fourth Ray Beauty Fresh AF Mist - A very gentle rehydrating spray toner made with rose and cucumber water. Great for refreshing throughout the day too. SKINFOOD Peach Sake Toner - This is from SF's Peach Sake line which is fabulous for oily skin. Sake is astringent but peach is nourishing and rehydrating. I use this on my face, neck, and chest to control oil production. Super matte! Momo Puri Peach Moist Barrier - another peach line that's amazing, with peach ceramides and probiotics to restore the barrier. BCL has a few different kinds of this toner for your needs. I go with this regular light version but they have a milky version if you're on the dry side. Naturalism by Baeville Turmeric & Honey Glow Toner - Another great Etsy find. Turmeric is great to even out skin tone, but this one also has a lot of other great ingredients for acne prone skin such as witch hazel, rose water, aloe vera, rosemary, chamomile, tea tree, green tea, and more. Another one I love to use on my face, neck, and chest. COSRX Full Fit Propolis Synergy Toner - My current evening toner. Not only anti-inflammatory and anti-bacterial for acne, but very soothing and moisturizing for glowing skin. ⊹₊┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ✿ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈₊⊹ 4. Serums/essences/emulsions - I typically use different serums for morning and evening, rotating them as well or switching it up as needed. This is just what works for me. Some people prefer retinol only at night, for example. So listen to your skin and find what works. a. Morning Serums

SKINFOOD Black Sugar Serum - This one has been highly rated for years for sebum (oil) control, so when I had the extra money to get it, I was so excited. It's really nice, both hydrating but also helps to control oil. Definitely keeping my skin clear. SANA Nameraka Honpo Isoflavone Essence - Sana's Isoflavone products have been a staple of my skincare for over a decade. They have soy and arbutin which is great for collagen production and brightening hyperpigmentation. I've used their cleansers, toners, masks, moisturizers, eye creams, and spot treatments. They never disappoint! And they even have so many lines depending on your needs, such as CoQ10, acne control with extra arbutin, and more. This particular essence is one of their basic products, I use it mostly to keep my skin tone even. It's also super soft and moisturizing. Definitely something I use a lot in the winter. SKINFOOD Peach Sake Pore Serum - More Peach Sake because it's so good. This serum is so softening and helps the skin stay matte. CeraVe Resurfacing Retinol Serum - An amazing must-have retinol serum to fade acne marks. It's also brightening and uses ceramides to maintain the skin barrier. Retinol can be a lot on the skin, so I only use it every other day. If you're new to this ingredient, definitely start slow and see how you do. Retinol can cause peeling if you go too hard. Always, and I mean always, wear a good sunscreen if you leave the house on retinol days. b. Evening Serums

Hada Labo Shirojyun Premium Whitening Emulsion - This brand has been getting popular online. I don't usually use emulsions but this one is highly rated for fading post-acne hyperpigmentation and sun damage. It has vitamin E, C, hyaluronic acid to moisturize and nourish. Glycyrrhizic acid (from licorice) is also anti-inflammatory so it seems to even help prevent acne. It's very light too, so I haven't felt like it was too heavy for my oily T skin. This stuff works so well! One day I'll try their other products. COSRX Advanced Snail 96 Mucin Power Essence - I've used products with a little snail mucin before and they were nice, but this is the real deal. My friend let me try it at the bath house one night and I was hooked. Snail mucin is intensely hydrating, healing, softening, and calming. It works great with harsher serums such as vit C or retinol. Perfect for barrier-rebuilding. This is great for any skin type, so I've been able to use it no matter what condition my skin is in. This is something I will be buying probably forever, it's really effective and feels great. They also have creams and other snail mucin products, I can't wait to try! Dear Klairs Rich Moist Soothing Serum - I've used this serum probably 8 years by now. Also super soothing and hydrating while not being heavy. This one is great if you're having a sensitive skin day or spent time in the sun. There's also a moisturizer in this line which is really great. Beauty of Joseon Glow Serum - Another new try for me this year. Propolis and niacinamide are great for inflammation, controlling oil, and treating hyperpigmentation. The reviews for this one said it was great for preventing acne and also healing it. It really does give the skin a lovely glow and it's gentle enough to use on sensitive days. (This brand also has a retinol + ginseng eye serum and it's seriously the best eye care I've ever used. Revives my tired spoonie eyes well.)

Fourth Ray All Clear Purifying Serum - A very potent acne clearing serum. Salicylic acid is usually my go-to for an active break-out. Also has tranexamic acid for those pesky post-acne marks. It's supposed to be gentle enough for daily use but I'm extra sensitive so I only use it as-needed, a few times a week usually. Momo Puri Booster Serum - This serum is so powerful that I save it for skin emergencies or special occasions. Seriously intensely healing, and so thick that each little "peach" pack lasts me two uses. ⊹₊┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ✿ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈₊⊹ 5. Moisturizers - I rotate moisturizers a lot, so my line up typically changes year to year. But I usually use gels more than creams (or mixed gel-cream types) because they don't clog my pores.

a. Morning moisturizers SKINFOOD Peach Jelly - For a while I was using pure aloe vera gel as a morning moisturizer, which works great. When I saw SKINFOOD had a peach version, I immediately got it since I'm super into peach skincare lately. It's just really great for repairing the skin barrier and retaining moisture. This one might be a limited edition though, it seems to run out fast. They have a plain aloe version too. Another brand I'd recommend for super sensitive skin is Aloderma, they have a ton of great aloe products. Sana Honey Shca All in One Gel - I've used this product for almost a decade. It's really gentle and soothing while technically covering all your bases: toner, serum, cream and mask. So this is good if you're in a hurry in the mornings. Lately it's been running out of stock online but I always see it at Tokyo Central/Marukai Market. b. Evening moisturizers Momo Puri Sleeping Jelly Cool - A cooling sleep-mask version of their gel that really helps calm inflammation overnight. Feels great in the summer. Can sometimes be hard to find, but I also recommend their gel cream. Fourth Ray After Hours Detox Face Oil - Aa powerful oil for treating acne during sleep. Bamboo charcoal, salicylic acid, tea tree, watermelon seed all help to unclog pores and keep bacteria from causing trouble. This stuff packs a punch. Sunday Riley U.F.O. acne treatment oil - This one's more on the expensive side with the smaller size being $40 so I haven't bought it in a while, but I wanted to include it because it's really good. 1.5% salicylic acid, tea tree, black cumin to clear skin, licorice for hyperpigmentation. To prevent drying it also has cucumber seed and there's chamomile to soothe inflammation. ⊹₊┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ✿ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈₊⊹ 6. Body acne care - Body acne has been a recurring struggle since I was a teenager. Sometimes I'll go long stretches without it but then once summer or a bad PMS time hits, I break out on my chest, neck, back. T has definitely made it harder for me to manage at times, but here's what I use.

Dove Acne Clear body wash - A solid salicylic acid and bamboo extract wash for body acne. Amazon Basics Clarifying Grapefruit body wash - also with SA. DemiDoeNaturals Turmeric Carrot Honey soap - Excellent soap for fading acne marks. My skin turns very red when I break out and the marks take a long time to fade, so ingredients like turmeric and carrot are just what I need to heal.

To reach my back and exfoliate, I use the brush with the long handle. The smaller brush is used on my chest and neck. I got the big one at the 99c store and the smaller one is from a boar hair dry brushing kit. AcneFree SA body spray - body sprays are really useful! This one works really well. I did have some trouble with the actual spraying sometimes because of my weak grip. This one's a little more expensive, around $20, but it lasted me a long time. It dries nice and quick too. Nature's Cure body spray - Another good spray, easier to use. Trader Joe's Tea Tree Oil - Any tea tree oil will do but I've used TJ's since I was a teenager. I add it to other oils for scalp treatments or spot treatments on my body/face. Make sure you dilute it, it's very strong. ⊹₊┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ✿ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈₊⊹

7. Extra things that can help - These are things you don't necessarily need, but have been worth the investment for me. Face powder - A small compact translucent powder can make a huge difference, especially during the hot weather. I've recently started using Skin Food's Peach Cotton Pore Blur Pact, a sebum-controlling powder. It's very silky and gentle, with a mild peach scent. Keeps my face nice and matte without drying out. On especially oily T days, I reapply it once or twice. Ice Globes - Very cooling and soothing, helps with inflammation. Also great in general for headaches, chronic pain, etc. Glass ice globes are popular because they're pretty, but they can break easily. I'm clumsy and didn't want to take that chance, so I use stainless steel. I keep mine in the freezer and use as needed. If you're sensitive, maybe start out just keeping them in the fridge, because the cold can be intense. Gua sha - This has gotten popular in the past few years, love to see it. I mostly use gua sha on my body for circulation and pain management. But facial gua sha can be really helpful in keeping the skin clear. I wouldn't use it on an aggressive active break-out, but it's great for prevention. The roller kind is good for gentle use and the flat kinds are good for when you need to get some deeper work. Red light therapy - This has been a big one for me. I initially got a red light panel (with red light and near-infrared light for deeper penetration into organs and bones) to help manage chronic pain (osteoarthritis, endometriosis, ulcerative colitis, kidney issues, etc), but the first thing I noticed was how well it worked for my skin. Just 5 minutes a day on my face keeps me really clear, heals inflammation super fast and also boosts collagen production. I have a Hooga which I find simple and effective. I don't hang it, but simply prop it on the floor while I do yoga. If I need to concentrate on my back for an acne or pain flare, I just lie on my side and rest while basking for about 10-15 mins. Chlorophyll - I've been taking this in liquid form for over a decade. Initially it was for anemia and to help my colitis, but it does seem to make a big difference in my skin's condition when used consistently. Mulberry silk pillowcase - Even washing my old pillowcase regularly, I felt like it was time for an upgrade that would be even better at keeping my skin fresh. This one is a little pricey, but it's already made a big difference. Plus it's so cool and comfortable. Mine is by Alaska Bear. Clean your phone! - This one can be hard to remember since I don't talk on my phone all that much. But our phones are nasty, seriously. That can transfer to our face and cause problems. So I try to keep electronic cleansing wipes near my desk as a reminder to wipe my devices down every now and then. ⊹₊┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ✿ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈₊⊹ 8. Example routines - Just some examples of what my line up might look like. a. Example morning routine: Let's say I'm not breaking out yet, but maybe just a little, so I want to try a preventative approach. I might cleanse with the Detox Wipes and micellar water, use the Peach Sake toner to keep my skin from being too oily, then retinol serum to help with cell turnover. To give my skin some nourishment, then I'd use the Sana Soy Isoflavone essence and top off with Sana's Honey all in one gel. b. Example evening routine: Later, I'm still trying a preventative approach but my skin needs some soothing. So I might wash first with the tea tree oil cleanser, then scrub with Dark Angels and leave it on for a few minutes like a mini-mask. Synergy propolis toner and snail mucin to soothe and keep my barrier strong. Then Hada Labo emulsion to bring down inflammation, and the Detox Oil to keep the break-out at bay. I hope this was helpful. I may add haircare and other things to this since T definitely affects my scalp too.

[spiralemoji]

Am i off my head?

I dont know whats wrong with me lately

Jesus Christ, total psycho…

Blah blah blah blah i literally don’t care, um

Guess I’m going to work in a radiology….

I’m so depressed because i found the best stuff for my stupid store and someone tried to cock block me

I need, to get that stuff.

I’m so mad. Like, you don’t understand it’s so stupid but its the fact it was taken away from me that matters

And i need to take pictures of the brand / manufacturer angry emoji

I took an Ativan so hopefully I’ll chill out and then maybe i can somehow sneak off to the store and everything will still be there???

I remember the items… i just DONT REMEMBER THE BRAND AND ITS IMPORTANT

BECAUSE IT FIT REALLY WELL AND IT WAS NICE MATERIAL AND ITS EVERYTHING I WAS LOOKING FOR

AND THEN I’M LIKE OH WELL GUESS I’LL INVENT SOMETHING NEW

BUT LIKE, EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT AND YOU RUINED IT SO YEAH AND THAT TOOK ME LIKE FIVE HOURS

AND I WAS GOING TO HAVE SO MANY HEAD BANDS

ANYWAYS AHHHHHHHHH I JUST NEED A SOURCING AI TO GIVE ME WHAT I WANT BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO SEARCH FOR IT FOR SEVEN HOURS AGAIN PLEASE LORD JESUS HELP ME AND THEN IT COMES IN THE MAIL AND ITS NOT THE EXACT SAME AND ITS NOT THE EXACT SAME PRICE

I JUST WANT TO GO TO TJ MAX

AND THEN I WANT TO GO TO TK MAX

AND HANG OUT WITH JORD, AND BY HANG OUT I MEAN, BECOME HER,

IS THAT, SO MUCH TO FUCKING ASK

OH BUT I SHOULD INVENT SOMETHING NEW AND APPRECIATE WHO YOU ARE BLAH BLAH BLAH

I DONT GIVE A FUCK I JUST WANT TO BE PRETTY AND LIKED IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK FOR

FUCK BUT I HAVE TO DEDICATE MY ENTIRE LIFE TO IT

MEANWHILE I CANT SPEND ANY TIME LIKE DOING ANYTHING ELSE LIKE

THERES ONLY SO MUCH ENERGY FOR ONE PERSON TO DO IN A DAY AND I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING ALL ON MY OWN

AND ITS JUST, TOO MUCH TO POSSIBLY MANAGE ‘FLAWLESSLY’ LIKE AND THEN ON TOP OF THAT YOU KNOW

YOUR MENTAL ILLNESS AND YOUR GOALS AND YOUR BLAH BLAH BLAH

THERES JUST SO MUCH STUPID SHIT TO FUCKING WORRY ABOUT AND I DON’T CARE ABOUT ANY OF IT

AND this tantrum is also because of being broken up with, i broke up with him, he still wants to be with me but i can’t tolerate it like I’m too annoyed and have to fix everything just for like 1 morsel of validation in the form of fucking me like thats not a relationship right so

Where the fuck is my super happy fulfilling relationship

And I’m just pretending to be happy and i go to church and sing songs and clap a long like yayayayay yeah love life1

Meanwhile everything is just…. Compiling like getting worse and worse everything getting worse and I’m like

And everyone else is fine

And i have to pretend to be fine

But its all just….. so frustrating

I can’t get it right like i can’t do anything right

And I’m abused and gaslighted and confused

And traumatized and fucked up

And i just want to slam my door so hard it comes off the hinges and the door frame around it breaks

I want to kill a futon

I want to punch and scratch and kick and scream into the floor and throw my shoes through glass windows

And tear everything apart my clothes, the kitchen, the glassses

I want to throw everything outside and light it ablaze in a big fucking fire i mean even the couch

And i just have to pretend to be calm and take a lot of pills that make my life suck more

So that I’m not so unstable that i scream and cry actually on the outside

And instead just have a whacked out brain on the inside

It’s like ‘oh ur mental illness is Maskable, so u should be fine’

And like that’s not how it works.

I have ocd do you know what that is even like

I have ptsd

Like

Holy fuck, if i don’t take my meds for 4 weeks, i turn into a ball rocking back and forth and sobbing

I don’t even KNOW about what

I can’t even hold my own MEMORY together and i dissociate

I can’t, keep track of myself like

I’m so disorganized, mentally my focus…

I’m a mess like, i can barely speak sometimes I’m so, tangled up in it

I’m not even crying right now I’m just stating the facts

And then I’m going to plainly eat dinner

And take a ride on the boat around winter park

And pretend like this is all i could of ever asked for

And pretend to be nice, and try not to show how depressed i am on the outside

Masking it with, overcompensatory happiness…

This time, just chill. Let’s just chill and, talk it through. And we’ll get there.

The thing is, everything is what they want me to do, and nothing is what i wanted to do

I am controlled like a sim in sims 4

It’s that bad

And i don’t know…. I’ve just been coping. But like,

I need, help like, i don’t know how to get out of the bind I’ve been in it is so long…

And then its like, okay once you get out like, what. Do you do then?

What do you give a fuck about then

Because before it was all about surviving like

How to i 180 out of survival mode and become like,

This brand new person that’s suddenly capable of so much, all my dreams and such

I had to witness them die in your hands, my dreams did

I watched my friends die

I sing about it with total rage and disgust, contempt,

Intense sorrow, tears come out sometimes.

I’m so angry all i can do is play a song, or sing a song

And people fucking clap along.

I just want peace i want to be left alone

I want everyone to shut up, you know

I want time to stand still

I want to correct my mistakes…

I want everything to be perfect as it should of been

Letting go of that childhood that could of been

Accepting the reality of what really happened

Is so very difficult

Halloween is triggering because it’s just a big reminder of childhood

And all the things that went horribly wrong, and i blamed myself for all of it.

Now my inner child wants to dance, wants to take part in all the things i missed out on

Being5, 8, 10, 12, and 15, and 21, and 25. You stole my life from me.

Trying to make me somebody else… set me free. From judgement.

Set me free. From the money.

Set me free.. my spirit inside.

Set me free from all my afflictions, addictions,

Tortured beguiled soul, rotten and discontent,

Set me free from my contempt

And mistakes, and emotions

I can’t believe another person tried me, after everything I’ve been through, demons keep showing up at my door

With smiling faces

When will there be somebody

Who i can trust

I feel like i am in the book of Eli, in the last days,

Carrying some secret book around

That no one understands

And only god is watching… as i wait for the years to pass by,

I pretend and parade another sharade

As i grow closer to, death

Being screwed over in the end

Just like alll the rest of us.

Life feels like a losing game you just can’t win

So i laid all my cards out the table, and forfeit.

People think I’m crazy, i swallowed a pair of dice, and spit them back out, in your whisky on the rocks

And told you to go fuck yourself, and wiped my mouth with your black tie

I hate you, skin dragging, sacks of shit,

Growing older, decaying, rotten in the dirt

Left to die

And what’d they leave us but a gassy decaying carcass

Fuck you and the comfortable death bed you rest on

I spit on your grave. You gave us nothing. And left me with everything to carry.

Fuck your flowers and mourning

My therapist wants me to cry about it

And get high about it,

Smoking weed and taking klonopin,

I could drink a bottle of red wine a night, it doesn’t matter to me nothing numbs the pain

I’m most often just trying to knock myself out

Your abuse and control is is loud

And im stuck, inside a tiny heart shaped box

Screaming to get out. Like cobain…

Silently loud,

All the symptoms are there.

It’s obvious, witnesses to bear.

How long do you think i can keep going like this.

[mistergoddess]

absolutely petrified to take 1 day off work even though i am experiencing burnout to the degree it's become physically taxing... extreme clumsiness and brain fog and so completely drained and fatigued and nauseous and headachey so like at this point i am physically ill from it. and mentally i fear for myself if i keep going like this. because work has been so fucking awful lately and it's starting to show up very much in my mental wellbeing. and ive called out maybe once every TWO months ive worked here, so that means in 8 months ive taken like 4 sick days, but ive caught major shit for it every time (despite the fact that there are other people who call out like every other day) and i don't trust myself to not just go "ok then i quit good luck covering the next 3 weeks of closing shifts i was scheduled on" if they try to say shit over me taking one day off.

also i wasn't even scheduled to fucking work on tuesday and they changed it on like... sunday... with no notice, did not ask if i was available, just changed it, right before the week started... which is such a dick move. the other day one of my coworkers was checking out the new layout and was like "this is on purpose to make people miserable so they quit and they can get new people in" and i was like you're so fucking real for that because ever since the change i've been just miserable coming in because it's so awful and poorly thought out by these idiot managers who don't actually work there and just moved shit around willy nilly and made it so inefficient and frustrating and brutal and idfk like non-ergonomic to work like this...

so that, and then this week the incidents of 1) random new lady just wandering up to me and starting to follow me around... only for a while into it for her to go "oh yeah i'm here for training" and it was just like oh that's cool i would have really loved to be mentally prepared for that in any way at all and not just have someone kinda walk up and start staring at me like wtf am i supposed to do with that like just??? assume i'm supposed to train her? tf?? and it was LATE in the shift too like i was in clutch closing duties time like. absolutely mind boggling and infuriating. that a manager couldn't even come over and be like oh hey by the way this is so and so can you just show her shit for a while and have her help you close... like NOTHINGGG she just came up and didn't say anything and started just following me and looking at me. and then the second incident 2) changing my off days randomly at the LAST minute before the week starts... just fucking DISRESPECTFUL. those two disrespectful ass things happening on top of the first week of the new layout which is making working my station incredibly brutal and difficult has made it such a miserable time when up until now i've LIKED this job and now i feel like im going to flip the fuck out and have a panic attack at work and quit on the spot and make a big scene about it any day now.

so. ugh. i'm really doing rough and experiencing very clear burnout and i need to quit but i don't have the energy to job hunt while working here but i definitely can't quit first with no other plan and just be unemployed on the job hunt because that's risky boots so like... idfk what to do. gonna try to stick it out a lil bit but i need to be trying to look for smth else :( i need something that pays more and well. i can't really hope for better management in this city lol i get the sense that kind of everywhere you go bosses are going to be psycho. also like everyone i know is always jobhunting even tho theyre looking for the same shit i do and that worries and weirds me out but i also think theyre just being really selective and not taking the kind of garbage i would... but anyway if i could get something that pays a lil more and has a more consistent schedule/better hours then well :/ that'd be nice at least...

but i'm super scared it's fucking scary i do not have that dog in me to hustle in this city lol i just took the first really crap big chain hospitality job that was easy to get, but up until this week at least ive liked it :( and the commute is easy and i get so much free food which is pretty much the only way i can afford to work here... and i like the people i work with a lot :'( and the shift leads are fine, it's just management that's fucking awful and SO stupid and neurotic and unfair. and our customers kinda suck dick bc they're hella stupid rude stressed out asshole big groups big families tourists and i'd love to be somewhere where the clientele is a little less of a shitty demographic.. and the being in weird half closeted limbo at work is rough lol. and also closing my specific station is fucking grueling and exhausting as hell so it's not particularly easy work...

like :( all signs point to i gotta get the hell outta here pretty soon but im soooo scared <3 i do not want to job hunt <3 especially with burnout <3 i am in a bad position <3 bc if i quit rn i'm gonna need time to recover from burnout and historically that's taken me a little while and we ARE NOT IN MY HOME TOWN ANYMORE TOTO I CANNOT JUST CHILL FOR A BIT IN BETWEEN JOBS I DO NOT HAVE A SUPPORT SYSTEM HERE *AT ALL* OR EVEN FRIENDS AND IT'S TOO EXPENSIVE TO JUST LIVE OFF MY SAVINGS FOR A FEW MONTHS... so that'd be really stressful and bad to have no time to recover from burnout and have to try to find something new right away... but also if i just idk stay... i'm just gonna go nuts from the burnout getting too bad and quit anyway like i'm not gonna recover if i just stay. so i'll be in the same if not a worse position... so idk what to do... lmaooo........

but oughh ok yeah i'm so scared and hesitant to call out which is such a clear sign it's such a toxic workplace :/ but also i don't wanna lose tips that day :/ but i'm gonna have to suck it up it'd be all of like $20 less so whatever i have paid sick hours so i need to get over the slight paycheck loss of tips for ONE day real quick bc i need that day so much more than i need the $20 (i do need the $20 too) so really the only fear is gEtTiNg iN tRoUbLe... i'm just gonna tell them i'm going to kms if they don't let me have a mental health day idk no matter what i have to stick to my guns and not grit my teeth and force myself to go in i need to just call in sick because fuuuuck

[sweetbriermouse]

Well, my physical illnesses have worsened to the extent that I had cluster seizures and then a mental breakdown and quit my job. Not an impulse quit but a realization I physically and mentally can no longer manage a job even at only 10 hours a week.

My meds are causing fatigue, my seizures are causing stress and fatigue, so that sucks. My meds are causing loss of appetite so I'm still eating but much much smaller amounts. I'm drinking less soda too. I'm hoping that with no work on the 4 days I used to work, I'll have at least some energy to start investing in other things.

I know I can't do the things I used to, but I'm hoping I can do small things daily and figure out new habits that work so what I do on good days won't get undone on bad days. Example, cleaning my desk off and keeping it clean by not setting things on it other than what goes on it. If I can't put it away I just don't get it or I ask my partner for help.

Additional plan; find permanent homes for things and/or get rid of stuff until everything has a permanent home without mess or chaos or overcrowded areas.

Progress is also being made on the house itself so in a few months we will be repuprosing the office and redoing the second room in the house so that'll help a lot since half the items in the living room are just waiting on the construction in the office to finish.

[writingaboutdreams]

His Gift Part 3

Part 1   Part 2  Part 4

A/N = Hey so I just wanted to say that this chapter contains the discussion of mental illness, it's not a main part but just in case that's a trigger for anyone.  But on another note, thank you for all the support. It really makes my day so how much everyone is enjoying it so far.

Warnings = 18+, minors do not interact. Dubious consent, discussion of mental illness, dark Morpheus.

Morpheus was sitting on his throne contemplating his next course of action. Having already retrieved his sand and his helm.  All that is left to collect is his ruby. At least he knew where it was. Though he found it more and more difficult to visit the waking world without visiting his heart. He had only seen her last night but he already longed for her touch. It was intoxicating. 

But the memory of last night also made him frown. Remembering how scared she had seemed. She had flinched from him, tried to get away, dismissed him as nothing but a figment of her imagination. If only he could have stayed longer… 

“Uh Boss?” Matthew caws, landing beside him.

He turns his gaze to his raven, “Matthew I thought I asked you to watch over Y/n. "

"I was, she's just at work again…"

Morpheus sighs, closing the book he held in his lap. "Do you have something to say to me Matthew? "

"I think you should back off from Y/n." 

"Excuse me?" 

"It's just that uh she's not doing so well. I get that you mean well but I think you might be hurting her-" 

"Are you suggesting I do not know how to take care of my queen?" 

"No, no I-" 

"That our bond would be causing her harm?" his gaze had turned deadly and Matthew nervously flapped his wings. 

"Of course not-" 

"Leave. Now." 

“All i'm saying is i was human once and it took me a while to get used to the idea of you and the dreaming,” Matthew manages to get out before he flies off.

Morpheus tosses the book to the side angrily. He doesn’t like the reminder of his love's fragility. He swore to her that day, when he first felt their connection, that he would do better than his failed relationships. That he would give her anything, do anything for her. This is his chance to be loved truly, to love with his whole being and have that in return. He refuses to let this go wrong…

 Y/n watched as Lindsey came in for her shift. She did a couple of afternoon shifts a week. Well she was supposed to work till close but Y/n always felt bad making her stay till then. She remembers what it was like being a university student.

“Heya Y/n, shop been busy today?”

“No more than usual i suppose.”

“So hot date to get to,” Lindsey waggles her eyebrows theatrically and Y/n chokes on her laughter. 

“Nothing so fun, just a boring routine doctor’s appointment.”

“Routine?”

“Yeah nothing to worry about, it’s just a check up really. You sure you'll be fine closing tonight? ”

“I will be. Will you be fine to go out tonight?”

“Tonight?”

“I asked you last week, remember? Club, me, you, Max, Kai.”

“Shit the club.”

“Oh please don’t bail on us again,” she leans against Y/n, giving her her best puppy dog eyes.

Y/n giggles and pushes Lindsey away “Fine fine. Text me the address and i’ll meet yous there at 10 okay. 2 hours max.”

"Okay perfect,” Lindsey checks the clock, “You best be off, don’t want to miss your appointment." 

 Y/n waves goodbye as she leaves the bookshop. Walking to the bus stop and catching her bus just in time. She's on for 25 minutes before getting off at her mental health clinic. The reception is relatively empty seeing as it’s the middle of a weekday. Y/n ends up waiting another 20 minutes before her name gets called. Sitting down in the psychiatrist's office she starts to fidget.

 “So, these new symptoms. Can you tell me a bit more about them?” Dr Hanaken opens her notes on the desk. 

“Uh yeah. I’ve been having these really vivid dreams. They’re not nightmares, not really. But i just, i feel like i’m not getting any rest. And I've been feeling paranoid lately.”

“Paranoid?”

“Yeah just i feel like someones watching me. In my apartment, walking down the street, at my work. I feel like i’m going mad.”

“Well paranoia can be a side effect, it’s not completely unusual for new side effects to pop up. Why don’t we try a lower dose to see if that has any effect. If not we can switch to a different type.”

“Okay,” Y/n takes a deep breath in. 

 Walking out of the clinic with her new prescription Y/n feels slightly more at ease. Telling someone has almost lifted some of the weight of her shoulders. Then she remembers how she agreed to go out and her good mood deflates. Steeling herself she walks back down to the bus stop. Determined to enjoy herself even a little.

Standing in the noisy club Y/n is decidedly not enjoying herself. She did try, really really tried. She did her hair, put on her makeup, wore a far too tight and far too revealing dress and caught a taxi to the club. The queue outside was massive but Max knew one of the club managers and they got to skip the queue. Standing at the bar leaning on her forearms Y/n waited for her drink. Contemplating her life choices that led her here.

She looked to her right, seeing all her friends dancing and laughing together. Jesus why couldn’t she just enjoy herself. The bartender placed her drink in front of her and she smiled. She drank it in one go. Walking confidently back over to her friends. Lindsey, who is more than a little drunk, hugs her and kisses her cheek. No doubt smearing lipstick over her face. She giggles with the absurdity of everything. Kai sidles up next to her, holding out a hand “Want to dance?”

What the hell, she thinks. Letting herself be pulled out into the group of people. Kai holds her hips as they sway to the music. The alcohol makes her feel floaty. Not too drunk that she doesn’t know what is happening but buzzed enough to not care about anything else other than the handsome man dancing with her. She wraps her hands around his neck and leaning up to press his lips against his. He seems to melt into her, they move together, swaying and kissing to the beat of the music. She hums, breaking the kiss to breathe. Taking the time to focus on him.

 But Kai is no longer standing with her. This man looms over her. Kai’s short curly hair is now darker and longer. Kai’s soft brown eyes that were gazing at her have been replaced with stormy blue ones. They seem not only to stare at her but into her. His hands grip tighter now, possessively. His lips curl up into a smile. 

“Morpheus,” she breathes rather than speaks the word.

She blinks and sees Kai staring at her confused. “Sorry love did you say something,” he says loudly. Trying to be heard over the music in the club. Love, the word makes her stomach twist. It sounds, feels, wrong coming out of his mouth. She pulls herself out of his arms and he lets her. Moving towards her as she stumbles through the crowd of people. She ignores whatever he’s saying to her. 

Someone grabs her arm and she turns to see it’s Lindsey. “Y/n? Are you okay? Did Kai do something?” her tone sounds worried. 

“No, no, just need some air,” she tries to give a reassuring smile but can tell from the look on Lindsey’s face that it falls flat.

 She moves her way through groups of people. Squeezing herself as small as she can be. Cursing inside her head at the music, it makes her head throb and her vision swirl. Eventually she manages to make it outside the bar. It’s quieter now, most people had either gotten inside or found somewhere else to go. She walks down the street to an alcove. It’s empty and quiet.

She stands against the wall taking in gulps of air. She squeezed her arm focusing on the pain. Using it to ground her. He’s only a dream, just a dream, nothing else.

“Y/n,” the sound of his voice makes her flinch. She sees him walking towards her, his coat sways dramatically behind him. His eyes show no hint of care this time. No they are all steel and anger as they pin her against the wall. She pinches her arm, so hard she scratches the skin and draws blood. “No no you’re not real you can’t be here.”

She wants to run, she wants to scream but she can’t do anything. Every muscle in her body is rigid. She can only press herself back against the wall. Her body hunching in on itself. He reaches her quickly, arms caging her against the wall. 

“Who. Was He.” his voice is cold but she can hear the anger underlying it. She shuts her eyes, trying to control the panic rising in her chest. She just needed to breathe, this didn’t make any sense. How could he be here…

“My love for you is endless but my patience is not. I will ask you again, who was he?”

“Who? ” her voice is shaky despite her attempts to control it.

“The man who dared to touch what was mine, the man who you allowed to kiss you when only i should, the man who you currently reek of,” he growled everytime he mentioned Kai.

 Despite the fear taking over her mind his words still caused a rise in her own temper. Whatever he was. He didn’t own her. Who gave him the right to speak to her like this? As if she had betrayed him, she didn’t even know him. Overcoming the panic she was feeling, Y/n raised her eyes to meet him. “I am not yours,” she basically spat the words.

As soon as they left her mouth she could tell she had made a mistake. Morpheus eyes turned darker, gleaming with something she couldn’t place. “Are you not?” his voice was calmer now, too calm. There was a hidden depth to it.

 Too far caught up in her anger, Y/n continued. “I don’t know what the fuck you are but leave me alone,” gathering all her adrenaline fuled strength she shoved him hard in the chest. He stumbled back a few steps. Eyes still locked on her. Before Morpheus could respond, Y/n took off down the street. Her lungs burned and her feet ached but she kept going. She turned down an alleyway. Leaning against the wall panting.

“You can’t run from me my love,” Her eyes snap to the far wall of the alleyway. How the fuck did he get here so fast. There’s no way, it’s not possible... She turns to run again but trips over a crack in the pavement. She braces herself for the fall, eyes shut but…

Before she makes contact with the ground she feels strong arms wrapped around her. She doesn’t have to open her eyes to know who it is. She feels herself being pulled upwards, then there’s the hard wall against her back. His hands settle on her hips, grip hard and bruising.

“Look at me, ” it’s a command. Scared of what he could do she goes against her instincts. If she thought he was angry before she was wrong. His face was pure rage. She looks away, staring at the wall opposite them. “ You cannot run from me. You are mine, heart and soul, your very essence calls out to me. There is no where you can go where I will not find you,” his words are dark and threatening. A warning not to run again.

“Please don’t hurt me.” There’s a moment of silence, she can’t hear anything. Not even the sound of him breathing. Looking back at him, the anger in his eyes are gone. Instead they just seem sad.

“I could never hurt you my love, never.” keeping one hand on her hip, the other moves to cradle her face. A fingertip brushes away the tear falling down her face. She wants to pull away but against her will she finds herself leaning into his embrace. His hand is warm where it’s pressed against hers. He leans down, pressing his face to her neck. She feels him breath then before he moves back to face her.

“I have been selfish, I did not think about how strange this must be for you. Our bond, it is something i have waited centuries for. I understand it is different for you.”

“What are you talking about? I don’t understand-”

“Shh i know, but you will. I will do better. ” he says the words as a promise, as a prayer. “ I let my anger get the better of me but I will try harder. I will treat you like the queen you are,” his voice cooes and she feels her body relax.

The hand cupping her face moves back to her hip. Then they’re gripping her rear. Lifting her up. Her legs wrap around him, trying to keep her balance. He growls at that, using his grip on her to pull them flush together. His hands slip underneath her dress, pushing it up even further. Her hands scramble to grip his arms. 

“What are you doing-”

“It’s okay, it’ll be easier like this,” she doesn’t understand. She wants to ask more questions but then his lips are on hers. She feels floaty again, as if she took another shot in the club. This is nothing like kissing Kai. Morpheus is demanding and all encompassing. His kiss feels like a brand, like ownership. He moves back and she tries to breathe evenly. She feels something blown on her face…sand?

“Shhh, we’ll be home soon,”  it’s the last thing she registers before the gentle lull of sleep swallows her whole.

Taglist = @musemaniac42 @secretdreamlandmentality @supermegapauselouca @ultimatreality

[thebibliosphere]

Hello Joy! Long time follower and I really enjoy your blog. I just wanted to hope into your asks bc i've had a very frustrating day of doctors appointments and even if you don't have any advice, i was just hoping to rant to someone who'd been around the block with elusive medical illnesses (though please dont feel obligated to respond to this at all), and i apologize in advance for an almost certain lack of coherence.

I've been dealing with quite a lot of doctors appointments over the years, from treating insomnia, my adhd, and depression and anxiety, but long story short we have discovered 2 years ago that I have low b12. I have also been dealing with a chronic cough for 2.5 years. Unfortunately, oral supplements did not work for the b12 and i had to get monthly injections, which stopped when the pandemic hit and, despite doing for 4 months, didnt bring my levels up to normal anyway.

I recently restarted the injections, but my doctor will not approve my request to have more frequent injections, which i think i need, because its not fatally low (its at a 170 based on recent bloodwork). I finally saw a respirologist for my cough, and she has no idea what the cause of it is, even suggested that its psychsomatic, and put me on a different inhaler that i tried before (ive tried a million treatments for it, from post nasal drip meds to ppis for acid reflux to allergy meds, and the inhaler is the only thing that helped a little).

I've gained 20-25 pounds in the past 2 months, when ive been the same weight since i was a teenager (im 22), but my bloodwork continuously come back normal for everything but b12 and vitamin d, so my doctor also has no explanation for that (including normal tsh, and the last time i brought up testing other thyroid factors the doctor told me they dont do that and honestly made me feel silly for asking. Though, granted, my current doctor is a different one). I'm going insane because of how tired i am all the time, and the fact that I feel like a hypochondriac bc all my tests are always normal, and my doctor is only available for appointment once a month.

Sorry for the long block of text, i just feel, when looking at your blog, a sense of hope that eventually i'll have answers and you're just really great. ❤ i hope you had a really good day today ❤

Get a new doctor! Get a new doctor right now!

When you dip below 250 is when you can start to experience chronic fatigue, mood disorders and worsening cognitive function.

170 is when you're on the cusp of things getting seriously bad and depending on your homocysteine levels can start to cause pain and nerve damage. This is also when my hematologist estimates I started to sustain prolonged damage to my nervous system. This was also when I started experiencing the symptoms of early onset dementia.

140 is when my iron and folate levels tanked suddenly and I was so symptomatic my (then) new doctor was worried I had cancer and rushed me through seeing seven specialists in a week. The same day as seeing the hematologist it dipped below 110 and I started hemolyzing and went into medical crisis as my kidneys and heart started to struggle. I owe that hematologist and his team my life.

The good news is the shots you are getting right now are keeping you stable, but your doctor should NOT be waiting for your levels to hit crisis mode to resolve this issue. Please do not give up on this, you deserve better treatment.

Also, what kind of supplements are you taking?

I don't absorb Cyanocobalamin well through my gut, which is the most common type of oral supplement prescribed. What I do absorb through the gut is Methylcobalamin, so if you haven't tried that yet, it might be worth a shot to try and help you manage your levels on your own. Same with folic acid, I don't absorb it for shit, but when I switch to a methylfolate supplement, my numbers start to climb*. If you have tried this and it's been ineffective, then I'm going to emphasize that you need to push your doctor to increase your number of shots to get your levels up because what you are living with is not an acceptable quality of life, and I am so sorry :(

I hope you are able to rest and have better days in store soon. Take care, and if you want to talk about b12 or stuff, hit me up.

---

*Before anyone asks, yeah, I'm aware of the MTHFR gene mutation. I just can't test for it because the procedure is considered to be "investigational" and neither my geneticist nor my insurance wants to run it and I don't want to sell my data to a gene company lol.

[shemarmooresfedora]

A Bump in the Road

Summary: You and Spencer had kept your relationship a secret from the team until something changed your plans.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

Content/Warnings: brief mentions of a case but other than that, just pure fluff!

Word Count: 1.5k

A/N: this is the first of my 3 fics for me and @samuel-de-champagne-problems 500 follower co-celebration! the prompts for both of us today were: Accidental Pregnancy, Reader/Spencer looking for excuses to hold the other’s hand, “I need to talk to you…like right now”. To see her fic today and our upcoming prompts: click here!

Masterlist

“Prentiss, Morgan, you go to the neighborhood of the victims. Y/L/N, Reid, go downtown and just look around for anything strange,” Hotch stated, “I need you all to look casual while scoping out the area so try to look like normal citizens and don’t flash your badges.”

Derek raised his shades to put them on but Gideon gently grabbed his arm to stop him, “Less official.”

Emily let out a chuckle, “Let’s go, Morgan.”

“You ready, Spence?” you grabbed the keys.

“Yes, lov- ,” he played it off as a cough, “Yes, Y/L/N.”

“That was a close one,” Spencer said as he adjusted his satchel as you walked out of the police department together.

“You’re the one who keeps almost calling me ‘love’ in the conference room in front of the whole team! And on the jet!” you added with a giggle.

“It’s not my fault!” he insisted, “My brain short-circuits whenever I look at your beautiful face.”

“You’re hard to stay mad at,” you playfully rolled your eyes.

You and Spencer had been dating for about 4 months now. You decided to keep it a secret from the team until your six month anniversary. You didn’t need the teasing at the beginning of your relationship when things were still a bit new and awkward. But now, you both had said ‘I love you’ and you were practically living at his apartment when you weren’t away on cases. It was perfect.

-

You and Spencer were walking down the sidewalk downtown, looking for anyone who seemed to fit the profile.

“Hmmm we seem too official,” you smiled, grabbing his hand, “I guess we have to act like a happy couple. You know, just for the case.”

“Yep, just for the case,” Spencer squeezed your hand, leaning down to give you a kiss on the cheek.

“For the case,” he grinned.

You cupped his cheeks and pulled him back in for a much longer kiss on the lips.

“For.” you planted butterfly kisses along his jawline, “The.” another kiss, “Case.”

Spencer opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by the sound of his phone buzzing in his pocket.

“Hotch,” he said before swiping accept and putting it on speaker phone, “Hey Hotch. You’ve got me and Y/L/N.”

“Morgan and Prentiss caught the unsub trying to grab another victim off the street. They fit the profile to a tee. We’re bringing them in for questioning but we’ll take shifts. You and Y/L/N can go back to the hotel and get some rest first.”

“Alright, thanks Hotch,” Spencer hung up the phone.

“Oh I think there’s one more thing we have to do when we get back to the hotel room…for the case,” you winked, pulling him back to the SUV with your hands still interlocked.

-

You were in the bathroom stall of the sixth floor, anxiously bouncing your legs up and down.

The timer on your phone started vibrating, indicating the time was up. You stared at the stick in front of you, waiting to be flipped over.

You flipped it over quickly like ripping off a band-aid. Two lines. The second one was faint but definitely there. You were pregnant. 5 months into a relationship with Spencer.

You rolled the test up in toilet paper before placing it in your purse. You washed your hands and splashed some cold water on your face. You took a deep breath before walking back into the bullpen like you hadn’t just received life-altering news.”

You grabbed a random file from your desk as you passed by and approached Spencer’s desk. He looked up from his paperwork with a soft smile as he saw you coming.

“I need to talk to you…like right now,” you whispered, “About the Johnson case,” you spoke a little louder so no one would question what you two were whispering about.

Spencer began to stand and grab his jacket to follow you but Penelope came charging into the room, grabbing you by the arm and pulling you towards her bat cave.

“Actually, Penelope, I have to ask Spencer some questions about a case. I’ll come find you in a bit.”

Spencer nodded to back you up.

“Trust me, the news I have is wayyy more important,” Penelope continued to tug at you.

“Penelope, I really need to finish this. Just give me the highlights now,” you resisted her pull.

“I found a pregnancy test box in the bathroom and I didn’t find the stick. I’m no profiler but usually people would only keep the test with them if it’s positive,” she confessed, “Someone on this floor is pregnant!”

Your eyes widened and you mentally slapped yourself on the forehead. How could you forget to throw the box away?

You made eye contact with Spencer, shooting him a sheepish grin as if to say ‘surprise?!’

Penelope started to drag you along again but Spencer grabbed a hold of your other arm.

“Actually, Hotch really needs her to get this done, Garcia. I promise she’ll be over as soon as we finish it.”

Penelope and Spencer were engaged in an intense staring battle with you in the middle.

“Ugh, fine! I’ll just have to gossip with Morgan! Now you don’t get to know all my theories,” Penelope huffed.

“I’m sorry, Penelope. I’ll make it up to you at lunch tomorrow.

As she clicked away with her high heels on, Spencer pulled you into a supply closet.

“You’re pregnant?!” he asked.

“Um, yeah I am. I understand if this isn’t what you want though, it’s not really the timing either of us had in mind,” you spoke softly, rubbing your arm.

Spencer pulled you in for a hug, “I’m happy if you’re happy. I’ll support whatever decision you make. I can schedule you an appointment at the clinic and I’ll be right by your side the whole time. But if you do decide to have this child, have no doubt that I will be there every step of the way with you in raising them.”

“I think I’m going to keep it,” you smiled softly.

“We’re having a baby?” Spencer beamed.

“You’re gonna be a dad, Spence.”

The closet door swung open, revealing a confused Anderson.

“I don’t know why this is so emotional for you, Reid. We’re out of paper clips,” you crossed your arms as Spencer wiped his happy tears away.

Anderson grabbed some extra staples and scurried out of the closet.

“Most women tend to find out they’re pregnant from 4 to 7 weeks and we’ve been together for 15,” Spencer stated.

“Even your sperm is smart. They managed to get past my birth control so quickly,” you laughed.

-

You and Spencer decided to wait to tell the team until the end of your first trimester. After that, you couldn’t put it off any longer because you were beginning to show slightly if you wore tight shirts. Also, it was killing Spencer to have to pretend that his child was not inside your tummy all day.

You tried to schedule ultrasounds before or after work but sometimes one of you would have to take the day off in advance for ‘a family thing’ while one of you would mysteriously ‘fall ill’ the day of.

Your doctor had just given you the all clear that the baby was perfectly healthy at the end of the first trimester so you were ready to tell the team.

You wore a tight shirt with a jacket over it for the announcement. You let go of Spencer’s hand right before he entered the bullpen.

“See you on the other side,” you winked before sneaking off to the other entrance of the round table room.

You heard Spencer ask if everyone could join him in the conference room for a special announcement.

“What’s all this about, Kid?” Derek asked.

“I have been dating someone for just over 7 months now and she is amazing, beautiful, smart, kind, and I love her so so much. We found out about two months ago that she is pregnant. We actually just got back from the final ultrasound of the first trimester,” Spencer announced.

The team was speechless for about a minute.

“Congratulations,” Hotch finally spoke for everyone.

“WHO IS IT?” Penelope asked.

“She’s actually right out here. I have a feeling you’ll like her,” Spencer smiled.

You stripped off your jacket so your belly bump was on full display as you entered the room.

“Hi guys,” you waved as Spencer wrapped his arms around you from behind and planted a kiss on the top of your head.

The team erupted into gasps and cheers.

“You…and her???” Derek couldn’t seem to process this new information, “How did a group of profilers miss this?”

“Because my boyfriend is a genius,” you grinned up at him, giving him a quick peck on the cheek.

“No, my girlfriend is way smarter. She scheduled all of the ultrasounds and how to get the time off,” Spencer smiled down at you.

“Okay, we’re both geniuses so the baby will be a genius too,” you concluded.

Spencer bent down to give your belly a kiss as the team ‘aww’ed.

taglist (just ask to be added or removed!): @samuel-de-champagne-problems @g0lden-cth @spencerreid9 @averyhotchner @coldlilheart @k-k0129 @ickleronniekinsemotionalrange @harrystylesandthegoobs @cmily @jswessie187 @rem-ariiana @hoodpankow @mochionly

[lonelyl00n]

Je T'aime | Yandere! Joy

Summary: When your childhood bully won't let go of you.

Warning: manipulation, abuse of power, controlling relationship, jealousy, mention of killing

wc: 1.5K

This is was inspired by my favorite song Je T'aime by Hey. When I found out that Joy did a cover of that song, I got the creativity to create this. I wanted to get all of this out of my head, so it may feel a bit rushed in some areas.

You were in the library when you felt someone put their hands over your eyes. “Guess Who?”

“Hmmm.” You joked as you tapped your finger on your chin. “Is it…Namjoon?”

Your eyes were uncovered the second you said that. You laughed at Joy’s angry expression. “I told you not to mention him.”

“Sorry, sorry. What brings you here.”

“What do you mean what brings me here? It’s our night out.” Joy gasps.

“I’m sorry Joy, I don’t think I can do it tonight. Namjoon was supposed to be tutoring me, but I’ve been waiting for like thirty minutes.”

“I’m one of the smartest kids in the school. I’m in the Top 10 you know. Why didn’t you ask me?” Joy pouted.

You laughed at her outburst. “First of all, your parents would sue the school if you weren’t in Top 10, so that doesn’t really mean much.”

Joy's father was the CEO of a famous luxury brand, while her mom is a retired actress who was popular in the late 80's and 90's. Her parents had more money than you and your family could ever dream of. Growing up bouncing around from different relative’s basements made a lot of the kids at school growing up, make fun of you.

Especially Joy.

In 4th grade, is when she would begin to make your life a living hell. She would steal your lunch money and give you foods that she knew you were allergic to. She would constantly call you fat and make rude comments about you to her friends.

It got worse in 10th grade, when she made an announcement over the PA system that whoever talked, touched, or even looked at you would get beat up. She bought you and her matching rings at cost more than $1000, and would make you wear it all the time. She bought you clothes, gave you money, and even managed to convince her parents to buy your family an apartment with three bedrooms and a balcony.

 She basically owned you. You weren’t allowed to go out on the weekends because of her security guards guarding your apartment door. When you did try to leave the apartment, which you never succeeded, you would be taken by the guards to the Park Mansion and have to sit on Joy’s lap as you two watched a movie, as punishment.

You hated the power she had, you always did, she even forced you to go to the same college that she was going to, by threatening to hurt your Aunt Irene.

You reluctantly agreed to her ‘idea’, not wanting to hurt your family members that helped your family so much.

So now you followed Joy around the campus like a little puppy, while everyone else thought that you guys were just close friends who liked being near each other.

“And second of all.” you continued. “We are supposed to be working on a project together.”

Joy furrowed her eyebrows while thinking. A project? With a boy?! She thought she had already told all of your professors to not give you any partners at all. Especially a boy.

“I know what your thinking.” Y/N claimed, seeing the looked on Joy’s face. “But we went to London for a whole month, and this was a month-long project. I can’t do it alone.”

“Fine, then I’ll help you.” Joy suggested.

“But Namjoon has to get this grade too.”

“Why do you worry about other people so much, come on let’s just start this.”

You and Joy spent all night, researching, printing, and decorating your poster board. By the time you guys were finished it was 2 a.m.

“Well, that was quicker than I expected. I guess I’ll have to make a new reservation for tomorrow.” Joy sighed. “Let’s go home.” She said as she intertwined your hands and walke out the library.

As part of the deal, Joy had you move into a luxury 2-bedroom apartment that was about an hour away from campus. Joy demanded insisted that you shouldn’t use public transportation anymore because now, with the help of her money, you were worth a lot. Throughout your high school experience, Joy never let you get a driver’s license, so she has the pleasure of driving you to and from campus, always knowing your whereabouts.

You looked out the car window without having anything to do. As punishment for talking to a boy, Joy had taken your phone claiming that the only person you needed to talk to was always right beside you. “What do you want to eat.” She asked you.

“McDonald’s.” You say robotically. McDonald’s was the only fast food place that Joy allowed you to eat. It was the place she found your family at in 10th grade.

It was on a rainy day that your Aunt Irene had kicked you, your parents, and your little brother out of her basement for being a burden, which you didn’t understand because just a week ago your Aunt had said you all staying there was the best thing to happen for her since her illness was starting to worsen.

So, with no where to go and barely any money, your parents took you all to McDonald’s to split one box of 20 piece chicken nuggets, and 4 small drinks for each member of the family.

As you were told by Joy, her family's trailer had broken down on the way back home from the airport, so Joy offered to walk to the nearest building while her parents berated the driver. The nearest place just so happened to be the McDonald’s you and your family were at.

You instantly recognized Joy when she walked through the door, just like how Joy instantly recognized you. She sat a table across from the booth your family was at, and pulled out her phone. Gosh, were you so amazed. You had never had a phone before. Your parents only had one that they shared, and you didn’t have friends (because of Joy’s rules) to let you use theirs. Joy smiled at you awe-filled eyes and continued talking on the phone.

You didn’t even realize that you were staring at her until your mom slapped your wrist and told you to stop. When the phone call ended, Joy stood up and walked towards your table. You looked at the ground, afraid that she too would scold you. “Hello L/N’s. I’m Park Sooyoung.” She started. You heard a gasp in front of you and looked at your parents, who were looking at the entrance doors. A tall man wearing a suit, and a woman carrying a Chanel bag. Walked through the door.

Joy looked back and laughed. “Oh, those are my parents.” They came up to your booth, both shoke hands your parents and stood behind Joy. ”We wanted to give your family a place to stay, would you let us.” You mother, being the biggest fan of Joy’s mother growing up instantly nodded, while your father thought about it for a few seconds before evening his Wife’s beautiful smile. A smile he hadn’t seen since their wedding day. He agreed as well.

That night was significant to you because not only did your family get a place to reside, but it was also the first time that Joy was nice to you. Since that day she started treated you better, still not letting you talk to anyone else, but she was nice.

Although Joy would never tell you this, it was that night that she fell in love with you, completely.

After eating. You and Joy got into the bed that you two shared. Yes there were two bedrooms in your apartment, but you couldn’t sleep in a room by yourself.

You had slept in a room with somebody your whole life, it felt uncomfortable. So on the first week of living here, you asked Joy if you could sleep with her, even okay with sleeping on the ground. Joy let you into her bed, and sang you to sleep.

That became your routine every night after that. However tonight was different, you feel asleep the minute you got into bed. Joy snuck out of the bed and turned you alarm off. You didn’t need to go to school tomorrow, you wouldn’t have time anyways. Her makeup crew that were going to come today were rescheduled to come tomorrow. The day she had been waiting for since that night was going to happen.

 All of you and her family members were going to be at that restaurant and would watch as she would get down on one knee, just like in the romance movies, and propose to you. Just thinking about tomorrow made her heart flutter. Yes, she was furious about the change of plans today, but she would never take it out on you. Instead, she took it out on that Namjoon guy behind the library. Ugh! Just thinking about him getting close to you was sickening. She had her men take care of his body for her.

She kissed your cheek and whispers in your ear, “I love you.”

Everything was set in her plan. She loved you, and you…would have no choice but to love her. You were hers after all. Hers to love.

[fandom-monium]

i finished for the holidays and i just *chefs kiss* beautiful talented amazing sajkgdkj no words i love that romance wasnt even the main point 🥺💘 anyway i love how you write reader and i wondered between her and spencer who gets jealous???

Unrivaled

Summary: In which you seem pretty close with the new intern, and Spencer is not happy about it. (ft. one of my fave white bois) “Have I ever told you how much I value your friendship?"

WC: 3.6k

Tags/Warnings: Spencer Reid x GN!Reader, fluff, cussing, Jealous!Spencer bc id like to see that, established relationships (blegh), Garvez if you squint, the lightest implication of smut ever, points to yall who can guess who the intern is before reading the end or the tags 😉

—

Spencer is not jealous. He’s not.

Why would he be? 

He has no reason to be jealous, Spencer chants to himself as he sits at his desk. Even from across the bullpen he still manages to hear your voice, and while normally it’s music to his ears, even better than Mozart, now it just feels like nails against a chalkboard. Grating his eardrums, making him wince.

Because you’re laughing. Not with Spencer though. Not at his obscure references or lame jokes.

With the new intern.

Why did Emily have to put you in charge of him? She could’ve chosen anyone on the team to have him shadow, but it had to be you! Not that you’re incapable or unqualified; you’re experienced, talented, and the best person he knows. 

… Okay, he can see why she picked you.

Why do they even have interns? Unnecessary, really, when the BAU has you and him and he guesses the other teams too (it’s weird, he’s never actually interacted with them but whatever). Maybe it’s time to start making budget cuts. He’ll discuss this with Emily when he gets the chance. He’s got some influence, working at the BAU as long as he has.

But he’s not jealous. 

Logically, jealousy (like an intern) is unnecessary. The green-eyed monster (like an intern) is ugly and contributes nothing productive, and if Spencer’s being honest, the world (like an intern) would be much better off without it.

At least that’s what he keeps telling himself as he downs his coffee like a shot of whiskey, trying to quell the squirming beast in him. Despite 90% of it being sugar, it still tastes bitter. He sets his mug down with a thud, and it’s loud enough to make Luke, Garcia, and JJ turn their heads, exchanging concerned glances when he slumps back in his chair.

Spencer doesn’t care. The world’s ending; you’re apparently into younger guys, with neat dark hair and forearms that can probably snap someone’s neck, and he can’t do anything about it. What does it matter if his best friends catch him in a sour mood, right?

“Hey, Spence,” JJ's tone is soft as they slink over, Garcia and Luke leaning against the edge of his desk and JJ flanking the other side. “You alright?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” Spencer gazes past them, his eyes never leaving you. He deflates; your stance is relaxed, completely open as you nod at whatever Intern is saying, his hands gesturing spastically. It must be interesting, the way you listen with rapt attention and respond just as enthusiastic.

Spencer scoffs. Not like that’s anything special. You do the same for him. And the rest of the team.

...What the hell are you guys talking about? 

“Well, you look like you’re about to throw your mug across the room. Or at an intern.”

Spencer blinks, finally breaking away from you long enough to eye the ceramic octopus. “That’s a good idea actually.”

“Don’t,” Garcia and JJ both shoot him a warning and he huffs, resting his chin in his hand. Garcia looks horrified, betrayed even while JJ has that expression on, the one she gives when she scolds Henry and Michael.

Whatever. It’s not like he’d ever sacrifice Mildred. Garcia entrusted her to him, after all. 

Unless...?

No, he couldn’t�� Maybe.

“You know, Reid, if you’re jealous—”

Spencer snaps his head to Garcia, eyes wide and darting to you like you have super-hearing, “Jealous? Who’s jealous? Not me.” He cringes, his voice octaves higher and cracking like a prepubescent boy.

Garcia snorts, “Okay, sure. But if you are jealous, I was going to say you have no reason to be. You wanna know why?” Spencer raises an eyebrow at her and she continues, “Sure the guy’s smart enough to get a full-ride scholarship at GWU, and he’s top of his class at the academy—”

“Is this supposed to make me feel better?”

"And he’s one of the most good looking guys I've ever met—”

"How is that relevant—"

Luke frowns at her. "And have you met me?"

“My point is,” Garcia’s red lipstick curls into the most reassuring smile, “that you have nothing to worry about because (Your Name) loves you. A lot.” 

Spencer perks up. “You really think so?”

“I know so. I see the way they look at you, and if that’s not love I don’t know what is," She shrugs, "And just because they’re talking doesn’t mean they’re into him.”

There's a collective nod of agreement and Spencer sags in relief. Of course they're right. He knows they are. 

If you think about it, technically, he's got the advantage. You've known each other longer, bonded and shared experiences together good and bad, and you’re emotionally and even physically intimate with each other (something he's especially proud of, considering how long it takes you both to warm up to others).

And who knows? This is probably temporary! Whatever this is, the connection you seem to instantly make with Intern (faster than when you two had met, he realizes with a needle to his heart) is short-term at best. It'll peter out eventually, like most friendships do.

It’s sad, but a cruel fact of life.

(Is this selfish, wishful thinking? Nah.)

They’re right, there is no need to worry, Spencer thinks as a weight lifts off his chest, finally able to breathe. You love him and he loves you and eventually, everything will go back to normal. 

There’s nothing to worry about.

—

The world’s ending.

“It’s really not.”

Yes, it is.

“Doc, come on.”

“Do not ‘Doc’ me,” Spencer grumbles, lifting his head from the comfort of his arms. He grimaces at Luke. “You didn’t see the way they looked at him. The way they talk about him.”

Two weeks. It’s been two weeks since you’ve taken Intern under your wing, and he’s had enough. If Hell is real, this is it. For days, he’s tried to resume some form of normalcy, and he was never one to be bold but desperate times call for desperate measures as he asks you out for lunch or invites you out on dates, even stuff he wouldn’t normally do because they’re more your thing. Something, anything to get you away from Intern. But...

At work: “Hey Spence, I'm teaching Intern (menial task that a 4 year old could do). Would you like to help—”

During break: “I’m taking Intern out for lunch. He’s still new to town, and I thought he could use a tour—”

In bed: “Did you know Intern’s a huge fan of Star Wars—”

Snap, and there went his patience.

Intern this, Intern that. 

Spencer could tolerate this at work. At least he’s saving lives, being productive, getting paid. But under his roof? In his bed? 

That was the last straw.

Spencer's not one to wish ill on another, he's not like that. But if something happened to the guy, say, get injured in the field, perhaps from a "stray" bullet, he'd be intern-ally grateful. Heh. 

"Hey, you good?"

Spencer sighs, swiping a hand over his face and turning back to Luke. "Yeah, why?"

Luke waves a hand at his face, eyebrow raised, "For a second there, you kind of had a scary look on your face."

"Did I? Weird."

"Right," Clearly unconvinced, Luke brushes it off, deciding to get to the root of the matter. "As I was saying, I still think you have nothing to worry about. Although, I do think it's a little weird that (Your Name) is talking about Intern as much as you say they are." He offers Spencer a little smile, his hand falling heavy on his shoulder. It's the most comforting touch he's had in two weeks. "I'm not one to talk, but I suggest you speak to them. I'd also be uncomfortable if my partner were talking up someone else."

Spencer blinks, squints at Luke, before gripping his hand and standing up. "Have I ever told you how much I value your friendship?"

"You can stand to mention it more often," Luke shrugs, eyes crinkling with amusement as Spencer lets go and heads for the door. 

"Noted."

—

Spencer nearly goes feral when he finds you.

Of course you're with him.

He searched the floor like a bloodhound, discovering you've been on your feet almost the entire day, running around the office, up and down the elevators, finishing your work and helping around. You must be exhausted. It's because of this he tracks you to your favorite break room, mostly quiet save for the buzzing drip of the old coffeemaker. He knows you need to be alone sometimes, recharge those social batteries.

So when he bursts into the room like he would hunting an unsub, eyes quickly scanning the immediate space, he expects nothing less but you. What he did not anticipate was to find you, just as soft and pretty as ever under the fluorescent lighting, leaning against the counter and sipping daintily at your favorite mug. 

With Intern standing a little too close to his liking.

“Hey, Spencer,” You chirp as you lower your coffee mug, lips glossy from your drink. Spencer's quick to shake his stupor―he can’t afford to be distracted, but it’s difficult when you’re beaming at him, clearly excited. You nod at the home-wrecker, “Me and Intern here were just talking about demonology and he’s got this interesting theory on werewolves―" Lycanthropy? Are you fucking kidding him right now? 

Just when he thought he couldn't hate the guy any more.

"CanItalktoyou?" It comes out rushed as Spencer gasps between breaths, leaving no room to second guess himself.

"Sure," You blink at his urgent tone.

For a second, you watch him expectantly, and Spencer's gaze darts between you and Intern. "Alone?"

"Oh! Okay. Be gone," You wave Intern off, and when you place a hand on his shoulder, Spencer sees red. Or green in this case.

Intern doesn't resist, but the noise Spencer releases is animalistic because the guy can’t seem to read the room, questioning you as you gently shove him towards the door. "What about the thing―"

"We'll talk about that later."

"But you still need to show me how to―"

"Don't worry, Intern. Just wait for me, I'll show you once the adults are done talking."

"You know at some point you're gonna have to call me by my name." 

"Nah. If we get to call Luke a newbie, we get to call you Intern. Also I do not know how to say your first name."

 "You could just call me St―"

Enough of this. Spencer closes the last stretch of distance, batting your hand away from Intern’s shoulders as he kicks him out himself, slamming the door in his face. Spencer turns on his heel to face you, caging you both. “You―” He pants, chest heaving for air.

“Me?”

“You-him-we―”

You’re unfazed, simply nodding at him and his odd behavior. If anything, you’re enjoying this as your lips twitch in a poor attempt to withhold your amusement, trying to cover it with a slurp of your cup. Then again, it’s not everyday you get to see Spencer, face flushed from exertion, speechless as he gasps for breath.

(At least not at work… In the break room specifically.)

It takes a minute as Spencer swallows a few times, but his heart’s erratic and it’s not just from running through the entire building. When he’s got enough air, he blurts out, “Did I do something?”

Your brow shoots up. “What?”

“Did I forget something important? Upset you in some way?”

“No? I don’t think so?” You frown at him, your answers more like questions. 

It only spurs him on, and though his tone is frantic and his eyes just as wild as his hair, you’re more intrigued than frightened. Definitely confused.

“Okay, but you know I love you, right?”

“Yes and I love you too but Spence, what’s this about?" Setting down your mug, you look at him like he's grown another head.

Spencer sighs, "I just… you…" He frowns, glancing between you, the floor, and the empty space between you. 

Spencer Reid is a man of words. Many, many words, according to all his friends and his coworkers. Mainly knowledge―he's never been great with feelings―but as you gaze at him, patiently waiting for him to gather his thoughts, he wants to melt into the floor. There's not a hint of annoyance on your features, your eyes warm and inviting. 

He's so in love with you.

Then like scripture the words come, natural without much stuttering or hesitancy. He recounts the last two weeks. The internship so far, the times you've left Spencer behind for him, the times you just talked about him, like the guy (practically a stranger) is your new best friend. Usually, pretty people make him tongue-tied and you do―god, you do―but at the same time only you make it so easy. Talking, expressing without fear of―

"Pfft―"

―Judgement. Pausing mid-sentence, Spencer gawks as your nose twitches and your blink rate increases. You purse your lips, a hand slapped over your mouth as it threatens to break out into a grin.

"Are you-are you laughing right now?" When he just poured his feelings out to you? 

That does it. You keel over, peels of laughter coming like a tsunami, crashing into him and Spencer loves your laugh but not when it's at him. 

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I shouldn't be laughing," you wheeze, gripping your stomach. Spencer pouts. There's even tears in your eyes. "But you're telling me this is all because you're jealous?"

He stutters, "Well-I-no-It’s just…" He wants to say ‘you're mine’, but as your eyes crinkle he knows there’s no need.

"That's kinda hot."

"Wha-really?" Wide-eyed, Spencer squeaks as you step closer to him, backing him into the door. His hands come up to his chest in a kitten-like manner yet at the same time protective―you'd never hurt him and you both know that―but you admit your initial reaction was poor when he laid his feelings bare. 

“Ahhhh Babe, you know there’s no one else for me but you.” Spencer blushes and you chuckle, taking his hands in yours. He let's you. “Also, as adorable as Intern is, one, I think I’d be able to tell if he was hitting on me, and two, he’s not really my type.”

Spencer swallows, “And what exactly is your type?”

“Hmm, let’s see,” Looking him up and down, you step closer, enough that your breath puffs against his chin. You smell like cheap coffee. “Tall, handsome doctors with messy, brown hair―” You lightly tug at one of his stray curls and he bites back a smile. 

“―and a cute nose―” Your hand moves to cup his cheek, bringing him down to peck the tip of his nose. It scrunches as Spencer breaks out into giggles. 

“―Who can recite classic literature. Who can bake like he belongs on The Great British Baking Show but can’t cook for shi―”

“Okay! Thank you, I get it,” Spencer says, almost completely relaxed now.

“Good,” You nod with finality. “And for your information, I wasn’t trying to make you jealous."

He raises an eyebrow. "So you just abandoned me and talked about another guy for the hell of it?"

Spencer's tone is casual, joking even but you know better. There's underlying bitterness and hurt and your heart squeezes because you did that. "No, of course not. There is a reason behind all that.“

“What could possibly excuse you going above and beyond your job as a mentor―”

“I was trying to set you guys up.”

Spencer deadpans. “Set me up? With him?” Oh god, he knows you’re weird, but he’s never considered you to be outright insane (is it weird he still loves you?).

As if reading his thoughts, you roll your eyes, “Spencer, how many friends do you have outside the team?”

“Not a lot.” No hesitation, but he accepted the fact a long time ago. 

“Yeah and that’s okay. But if you’d talk to Intern, you’ll find you two have a lot in common. I know he’s younger than us, but he’s a good kid, real smart,” You give him a meaningful look and shrug, “Not like IQ 187 smart but he could definitely hold a conversation with you.”

Spencer murmurs, pulling you in so you're chest to chest, “This entire time, you were really trying to make us friends?”

You nod, your expression a mix of giddiness and hope that makes whatever feelings he felt before, the confusion and―yes, fine―the jealousy, dissolve like sugar in water. Spencer sinks into you, burying his face into the crook of your neck and inhaling your soap. Of course you had good intentions. Of course you wanted to do something nice for him.

Fuck, he loves you.

“So… we good?”

Spencer huffs, “I hope you realize how much I suffered the past few weeks.”

“I know, I’m sorry.”

“Then yes, we’re good,” He mumbles into your shoulder, “I appreciate what you were trying to do.”

“And?”

His brow furrows and he pulls back, meeting your eyes. “And what?”

“Will you try to be friends?” You look at him expectantly.

Spencer opens his mouth to answer, a definitive no on his tongue, but then you’re giving him puppy-dog eyes and before he realizes it, “Okay.”

Wait, no. That is not what he meant to say.

“Yeah!” You throw your arms around him, and Spencer can’t stop you, grunting as you basically swing him around like a rag doll. But he finds he doesn’t care when you set him back down because you’re happy, happy for him, grinning ear to ear as you babble, “I can already tell you two are gonna be the best of friends! You guys have so much to talk about, all that nerdy stuff. Maybe even debate! And we could play chess and―”

There’s a knock and you both turn, a voice muffled by the door, “Hey, guys? I don’t want to interrupt in case you’re boning, but you didn’t exactly tell me where to wait for you? God, I hope you guys aren’t boning. Please tell me you’re not boning right now.”

You groan, “No Intern, we’re not boning! Right-uh-go ahead and meet me back at the office, I’ll be right with you.” You turn back to Spencer, sending him an apologetic look. “I will see you later, okay? And since you’ve been such a patient and understanding partner,” You plant him one last kiss before patting his cheek, and his eyes widen as your voice lowers in the way you know drives him crazy, your eyes glinting with mischief, “I’ll make it up to once we get home. Bye, love you!”

Before Spencer can fully register your words, you're out the door, cackling as you leave him to compose himself, his face beet red from running the possibilities. By the time he emerges from the break room, you’re long gone.

“Hi, Dr. Reid?”

Spencer almost snarls, cursing under his breath. Just when he thought the day was getting better. He turns back. 

Intern stands tall, relaxed and shoulders back, black tie loose and cheap white-collar button up slightly wrinkled. No doubt from working hard and following your instructions throughout the day. Spencer respects the work ethic at least. Meanwhile, the younger man eyes him, and he’s certain it’s not from intimidation but with curiosity.

Spencer doesn’t linger on that. He’s used to it, not being intimidating to others.

He continues, “It’s nice to finally talk to you, one on one I mean. I’m a fan of your work. Seven degrees, huh?”

“Yeah,” Spencer says curtly. Recalling the earlier conversation with you, he stamps down his irritation and tries to extend an olive branch. “How did you know?”

“It’s the internet, sir,” Intern raises an eyebrow, offering an innocent smile. 

“Right,” Spencer returns it with an awkward one of his own, “Hey, sorry for... literally kicking you out before. That was completely unprofessional.”

Intern waves him off, “No, it’s cool. I totally get it. I’m flattered, by the way.”

Spencer frowns. “Flattered?”

“Well, it’s not everyday you find out your superior’s jealous of you.”

Spencer blinks, and it takes all his experience as a profiler to mask his embarrassment. “You heard that.”

“The FBI’s got thin walls,” Intern shrugs and steps towards him. “Although I have to say, Agent (Your Last Name) is wrong about one thing.” Stopping short in front of him, for the first time Spencer is close enough to note the moles dotting his face. “They can’t tell that I’m flirting with them.” 

He starts down the hall after you, and Spencer’s eyes trail after him as his brow furrows, until realization slams into him and his jaw drops. “Wait, you...”

“Oh and since (Your Last Name) wants us to be friends, I think we could be on a first-name basis,” He pauses to look back at Spencer, watching with a crooked smile as the older man sputters. 

“So, you can call me Stiles, sir.”

Then once again, Spencer is left behind, frozen in the hallway as he processes what just happened.

And the next time he finds you and Special Agent Stilinski in the same room, whether it’s crowded or not, Spencer does not hesitate to cling to your side, putting as much distance between the intern and you as he can. Spencer’s grateful you don’t question it.

There may not be anyone else for you, but that doesn’t mean no one will try.

―

AN: ahhhhh thanks anon!! There was a similar request then i saw this tiktok (and listened to this tiktok the entire time) and i combined them. Id also like to emphasize that my version of reader is neutral across the board, race, gender, etc.

Yes, i have a type. No, i will not be taking criticism. 

Been hella overwhelmed with classes and work so here’s my way of destressing. Also suggest checking those tiktoks if you wanna understand me :))) also you mean to tell me i have to write the threesome myself?? Bs tbh 😔

watched 15x4 and i was so sad when Spencer addressed Luke as his coworker like no bitch hes your new bro stfu

and i have no doubt that stiles and spencer would be one of the best crossover duos given the chance 

[issaxcharlie]

We say we're friends, we play pretend (1/2)

Pairing: Charlie Gillespie x Fem reader

Summary: Charlie and Y/N were best friends and a couple as teens, after their breakup they meet again 4 years later on the bootcamp of JATP and have to work together. Will something else happen or they are just friends?

Charlie must have imagined something like this could happen. Since Kenny discovered her 5 years ago, she has been a really close friend to the director, participating in some way or another in almost all his projects.

In front of him after years, Y/N Y/L, his childhood best friend and ex-girlfriend. The young actor is not going to admit that he saw every single one of her projects or how moved he was by her in each one of them, many times even thinking of maybe sending her a little message saying the incredible job she did.

But he never found the courage.

It’s weird to remember how he spent most of his life next to the woman, now one of the top youth artists with multiple musicals and movies on her hits list. They always had a strong bond, every single day together. Sleepovers, music classes, dancing classes, homework, parties, movie nights, hockey, illness days, pretty much everything. At the age of 15 they began a very sweet and innocent relationship that ended at 18 when Y/N moved to New York to work in her first leading role.

The break up was on good terms but painful, so painful that both preferred to lose contact completely than to have the other from time to time opening the wound again and again.

And there she was. As beautifil as ever, speaking happily with Kenny while Madison and Owen jump up and down, Jeremy smiles and Charlie looks like he wants to throw up.

“Y/N Y/L, my golden star. She is the official composer of the soundtrack, and she will be supporting you throughout the album process as well as helping Paul and me in other creative aspects, I know she is the same age as some of you but she has a lot of experience in this and all the necessary preparation so don't hesitate to get all the knowledge you can out of her."

Everyone introduces themselves until the guitarist is the only one left, luckily for him, he’s in voice rest these two weeks so he literally cannot speak.

They both look nervous but the moment their eyes meet their complicity comes out and both smile slightly.

“He’s Charlie, he is in voice rest but we are fans of yours. We cried yesterday watching your last musical, it was just brilliant." Owen lets out hardly breathing, Y/N turns with a smile to see the Canadian boy who wants to kill his friend and then commit suicide.

“Thank you! This is going to be such an interesting experience.” The singer murmurs as she winks at Charlie.

2 hours later they had both been avoiding each other, Y/N writing in a corner while the band and Kenny discuss costumes with Soyon, in which at least half an hour has been wasted trying to understand what Charlie is trying to say with the few words he writes with an apple pencil on his ipad in his horrible handwritting.

Y/N gets frustrated and goes to where they are, approaching behind Charlie's shoulder to see the iPad. She quickly identifies the two words, one so crossed out that it looks like a doodle, but years copying each other's homework pays off.

"He's trying to say that if Luke isn't going to wear bandanas, at least consider wearing beanies." The young woman says as she leans on the shoulder of who was her first love.

Charlie freezes at their proximity, blushing a little at the feeling of being close after so long. Luckily his castmates don't realize it because all their attention is on her.

“You are just good for everything huh? Even deciphering hieroglyphs." Owen comments, smiling at her and winking exaggeratedly to make her laugh.

Charlie can't help but feel insecure with the situation. It could be a friendly thing but If Owen really tries to flirt with her, he doesn't know how he would react. Is sad enough not having her in his life anymore, having her as his best friend's girlfriend would just be too painful.

Now, he knows he’s exaggerating, and a lot. But he has to do something about it. Better safe than sorry.

He stretches his neck to meet the eyes of his ex-girlfriend, who is now only inches away. She quickly gets flustered, but hides it pretty well. The problem is that he knows every gesture perfectly and sees through her mask.

“Wh- What, Gillespie?” She manages to say, Charlie can’t help a smile seeing the way she still reacts towards him.

When you know a person completely, every facet, every gesture, every peculiarity, speaking without words is as natural as breathing. And they had both forgotten how amazing it feels to have someone in your life who is this compatible and magnetic.

They start a conversation, she answers to who secretly still believes as her person while he continues making gestures and mimics that no one else understands, writing a word from time to time to make the talk flow better.

"I know. Hey, it's not my fault! So you excuse yourself with the ‘can't talk’ thing huh? how convenient. Yeah, Ok, I will. I said I will!" Her words are the only thing that they manage to get out of the conversation that the secret ex-couple is having, since no matter how much attention they pay to him, they have no idea how Y/N manages to decipher it.

"I have no idea what's going on but I'll take it as a miracle, I was just going to suggest ignoring Charlie these 2 weeks." Jeremy jokes, everyone nods their heads.

“I mean, it’s still a good option.” Madison replies.

The 14 days go by quickly, and with the former couple spending time together daily, rehearsing Charlie's guitar solos together, with Y/N translating his horrible scribbles, or sometimes simply being close to each other enjoying the company, absentmindedly placing their hand on the other's leg or their forehead on their shoulder for a few seconds during the breaks.

Basically the whole team has noticed the flirtatious smiles and the looks, but Charlie was the weakest rival of both and the one who could release some information about it, and without being able to speak they basically ran out of an informant, since the young singer didn’t let go a word about her unexpected chemistry with the guitarist except the typical ‘we are just good friends’.

But without a doubt the energies began to multiply on Monday when Charlie arrived with the green light to be able to speak and start singing in rehearsals. Madison couldn't attend the first few hours because she was at school, so Y/N was going to cover her so the boys could practice.

“The first on the list is Finally Free, the place where we are going to record it only gave us two weeks from now so it will have to be one of the priorities. For the first rehearsal just vibe with the song and we’ll discover where to go from there. Oh, and good luck keeping up with my golden star, you’ll need it."

Y/N starts the first verse on the keyboard, and gets up to sing the chorus in the center, trying to ignore Charlie and looking up at Jeremy. She hadn’t heard him sing for a couple of years, but the same butterflies appear in her stomach and she knows that she will melt if she looks into his eyes.

Unfortunately for her, Kenny doesn't have the same plan, and just before the second verse ends he tells her to walk over to Charlie, who immediately smiles and sings the pre-chorus with much more enthusiasm. The energy they radiate floods the place, both getting closer and closer. By the time the bridge arrives, their foreheads are practically against each other, their lips only an inch apart, and with a confidence and comfort while singing to each other that makes all those who suspected that there was something between them now practically sure.

Luckily there are only Jeremy, Kenny, Owen and Paul in the room, who decide to play a game of divide and conquer now that the snitch part of the equation can speak.

“Y/N, can you come with me for a moment? I have a new idea for ‘Wow’ and a fresh pair of eyes is just what I need.” Paul says, sacrificing himself for the greater good.

“Yeah, of course, I’ll be right back.” The singer takes the opportunity to leave this staring game with Charlie and quickly walks away from the guitarist, who winks at her in a flirting way in response.

The moment they walk out the door, everyone turns to see Charlie, who has no idea what they're up to.

“What?”

"After what just happened you just can't keep pretending nothing's happening. Man, that was more intense than the whole Troyella moments during all three movies." Kenny pretends to be offended for a second and then nods.

"I have never seen anything like this in all my years of career."

“Yeah dude it was electric.” Owen replies, smirking.

“She’s my person.” Charlie mumbles.

If he’s being honest with himself, deep down he always knew she was the only one for him. But that realization was freaking scary. What's next if the only person for you has already turned the page? gave up without a fight? what's left?

"What?" The three ask in unison, and Charles begins to sing like a bird.

“We grew up together and then we lost the way. Like in those romantic movies where just everyone knows they belong together except the childhood best friends and then they end up ruining their lives by being in denial.”

“From what I saw getting back on track shouldn't be too difficult, Charlie. I assure you that whatever you feel she feels it too. Her eyes don’t lie." Jeremy tries to reason with him.

“Leave your teen problems behind. You are old enough to decide what you want and find a way to make it work. But you have to stop pretending that nothing is happening first." Owen scolds his friend.

“Do you love her?” Jer asks.

“That answer is always going to be yes, I just could never stop loving her even If I tried. And I did.” He really did. The surprise he got when the second he had her close to him his heart began to beat like crazy and all he wanted was to hug her and fix everything. It was as if when seeing her eyes time hadn’t passed, as if only the day before they’d been goofing around together. That bond is so big that he doesn’t believe it’s possible to break.

“Then do something about it, bro! Go get your girl back!” Jeremy advises while Kenny smiles.

“Yeah man, it’s ‘Now or never’ like her song, and I guess ours too now? Since she wrote it for Sunset Curve? Well, anyway, it’s like our song says.” Owen exclaims excitedly.

“Ohhh, musical inspiration, let me try. ‘Get up, get out, relight that spark’.” Jeremy sings to Charlie.

“Jer, you are a genius. If you think about it wake up is actually a pretty good soundtrack song for this situation. ‘It's not what you lost, It's what you'll gain raising your voice in the rain’.”

They both keep singing the song until they reach the bridge, Charlie tries to look frustrated but a slight smile escapes his face.

They are right, he still hasn't lost this fight.

👻PART 2 RIGHT HERE

[cherrybracelets]

I’ll Take You On

bucky barnes x f. reader

18+ / drinking mentions, heavy smut (unprotected s*x, oral s*x (m receiving) )

inspired by: ill take you on by brockhampton 

For your whole childhood, as long as you could remember, you wanted to be a veterinarian. You had loved animals, and couldn’t imagine a better way to spend your days than caring for them. But, as you grew up and the harsh realities of adulthood and capitalism dawned upon you, your dream was becoming less likely. 

Vet school was way over you and your mom’s budget. It was just the two of you, and she wasn’t exactly bringing in buckets of cash at her teaching job. So, you had to get a bit more realistic. 

After graduation college with a business degree, you set forth into the world hoping for a lifetime of amazing opportunities. But, a job didn’t come as easy as you’d hoped, and you were getting desperate. So desperate, in fact, that you called your estranged father begging for a job. 

Your father left your mom when you were nine. You didn’t care much, as he wasn’t around a lot anyways. He was some big shot lawyer in Miami, and he was always traveling for work. It was honestly easier on you and your mom once he left. He didn’t make much an effort to connect with you after that, only calling every few months and sending wads of cash on Holidays, hoping to make up for his absence. 

So, as you pushed aside your pride to call and ask for his help, it was really the least he could do. And lucky for you, his firm’s office manager had just quit. It didn’t sound like an incredibly difficult job and the pay was beyond what you wanted. Your father was most likely overcompensating with the salary. But he could afford it. 

He also promised you a place to live, rent free. He owned multiple properties around the city, most of which he never used. It was kind of the perfect situation. A little suspiciously perfect. 

But there were no other options. You needed a job and he desperately needed to feel like he wasn’t the worst father in the world. It was a win-win for both of you. 

And obviously, Miami wasn’t the worst place you could be. You didn’t know anyone besides your father, but you didn’t care. The idea of relaxing on a beach alone soothed you way more than a group of screaming drunk girls. 

After a week of settling into your apartment and the city, it was finally time to start your new job. You had met up with your father multiple times already, getting prepared for the job and visiting a few of his favorite spots around the city. He was actually really kind, but it was slightly uncomfortable talking to him.

You walked into his office on your first day, shaking in nerves as you prepared to meet your new coworkers. Would they treat you kindly, or did they catch up on the obvious nepotism that was lingering through this entire situation? 

But your fears were quickly buried over as his staff welcomed you with open arms, talking highly of you and about how “proud” your father was to have you working here. You rolled your eyes at his obvious attempt to show a warmer side to his staff, but you let it slide. You had a job and place to live because of him, so it was the least you could do. 

You spent the morning learning the phone and computer system, battling intrusive questions from everyone in the office and trying to learn how to work the damn coffee machine. But all in all, it wasn’t a bad job. 

You never really knew what kind of law your father practiced, and maybe that was something you should’ve asked before, so you were a little less shocked. His clients were mega rich and famous. And your father was just mega rich. It kind of pissed you off, seeing how well he lived and how you and your mom never saw a penny of it. Part of you wanted to scream at him, break all the expensive glasses in his office and storm out. But what was the point? Caring about him was more energy than it was worth. 

Your father met with his clients throughout the day, and part of your job was welcoming them to the office, getting them something to drink, and telling your father when they arrive. And today, at 2:12 PM, twelve minutes late for his appointment, he walked in. 

“James Barnes. I’m here to see Henry,” he commanded, not bothering to look up from his cell phone and pay you an ounce of attention. 

“Of course. Can I get you anything to drink?” You asked kindly, trying to keep your voice from quivering. He stood towering over you, his large frame blocking the light above, casting a shadow over your desk. He was one of the most beautiful and intimidating people you’d ever seen. You felt like you were going to choke if he looked directly at you. 

But he didn’t. He walked cooly over to the sofa in the waiting area and sat down, mumbling “Scotch…”. 

You stood up and walked away quickly, desperately trying to catch your breath. You slipped quietly into your father's office, smiling as you closed the door behind you. 

“James Barnes is here. And he mentioned something about scotch, which I’m not sure if I’m authorized to give…” 

Your father chuckled and stood up, walking over to a small bar cart in his office and pouring two drinks. 

“Everyone calls him Bucky. He’s a good friend. Come on, i’ll introduce you.” 

You followed behind your father in a daze, not ready to face him, not ready for his eyes to meet yours. Your skin felt hot and the room was spinning as your head, his loud voice greeting your father in excitement. 

“Bucky! It’s been too long!” Your father yelled, handing him a drink and smiling sheepishly. 

“Yeah, I had to be in New York a bit longer than I thought,” he trailed off, taking a sip of his drink. You were hiding behind your father, hoping he would forget about you and you could sneak away without a word. But of course you wouldn’t get away that easily. 

“Bucky, I have to introduce you to my daughter. Today is her first day working here! (Y/N), come introduce yourself,” he instructed, turning towards you and ushering you in closer to Bucky. 

“(Y/N)...” he whispered, the sound of your name in his mouth making your whole body light up. You had never heard it sound so beautiful before. He reached his hand out towards you, and you grabbed it lightly. His hands were soft and cold, shocking your skin as he touched you. As you shook hands, he leaned towards you, the smell of mint and tobacco pouring from his skin. 

“Why don’t we head to your office, Henry,” he frowned, dropping your hand and turning towards your father. You brought your hand back to your side, confused and dizzy as you found your seat. 

“Can… can I get you anything, Henry?” You stuttered, realizing awkwardly that this was the first time you’d addressed him, and you didn’t say dad. There was an uncomfortable silence between the two of you, and you cleared your throat awkwardly. 

“Sorry, thought that would be more professional. Totally awkward, right?” You laughed, trying to ease the tension. You didn’t think your father would care if you called him Henry, but maybe he wanted you to play into the sweet daughter character at work. 

“No, sweetheart, this is actually a private meeting. I don’t want any interruptions, unless someone’s dead. Okay?” He said in a serious tone, pushing aside any awkwardness. He hadn’t said this with any other clients he’s seen today, so it gave you an uncomfortable feeling in your stomach. 

You turned towards Bucky, looking for some sign of a joke with him. But his face was carved of stone, his eyes locked on your father as if he expected Henry’s devout secrecy for any conversation they had. 

The two walked quietly into his office and shut the door, leaving the image of him to only exist in your mind. You were curious who exactly this beautiful  mystery was, so you did what you always did. Googled him. 

You searched for a while, under both of the names he went by. But nothing. You couldn’t find him anywhere. Nothing on Facebook, Linkedin was empty, Twitter and Instagram were farfetched. It was like he didn’t exist. You even unblocked your father on facebook to stalk his friends and see if he existed there, but nothing. He was a ghost. 

You got frustrated after a while, sitting back angrily in your chair, realizing you had three voicemails. Yikes, you were not very good at this job. 

You finished all your work quickly, hoping it would distract you from him.

 They spent the next two hours locked away in your fathers office, leaving you to wilt away in boredom. It only took about 30 minutes to catch up on calls and emails, and then all you could do was scroll aimlessly on your phone hoping someone would bother you. 

But everyone seemed very quiet here. Beyond the initial excitement of meeting you in the morning, everyone stayed at their desks all day, focused intently on their own work. It was one of the quietest offices you’d ever been in. Maybe they were just trying to show off on your first day, or trying not to bother you… but it was odd. 

At 4:15, your father loudly exited his office, Bucky following behind. He was smiling, something you hadn’t seen before. It was almost god-like, his perfect smile, radiating warmth and happiness. You wanted to be close to him again, missing the sweet smell of his lips…

“(Y/N), I have a request…” your father interrupted your daydreaming, making you jump as you stood up to help him. 

“What’s up?” You asked casually, refusing to take your eyes off Bucky. 

“Bucky and I are grabbing dinner tonight, and we’d love for you to join us,” he said quickly, Bucky finally turning towards you and meeting your glance. 

“You… want me to come?” You asked quietly, Bucky still staring at you. He smirked slightly as you spoke, but refused to break your gaze. 

“Well, Bucky would really love to get to know my daughter. You know how… proud I am of you. The light of my life!” He said, smiling intensely at you. You finally looked away from Bucky and towards your father as he spoke. 

It was disgusting, the way your father was obviously using a fake relationship with you to get in good with his clients and employees. But you would’ve done anything to see Bucky again. So you agreed reluctantly, wondering why a man like Bucky would care about his lawyer's daughter… 

“We’re going to a nice place so… dress up,” your father instructed, eyeing your clothes. You had noticed you were the least dressed up at the office. 

“Um… I don’t really have a nice dress…” you whispered quietly, wondering how “nice” you needed to dress…

Your father pulled out his wallet, handing you a thick black AmEx card. 

“I’ll have my driver take you downtown to some shops. Get whatever you want,” he instructed, pushing the card in your hand. 

You didn’t refuse, why would you? Free shopping spree and dinner with some hot mystery man sounded like your perfect day. 

You spent the next few hours in and out of shops, spending more money than your father most likely anticipated. But you needed a new wardrobe anyways, most of your old clothes were too warm to wear here. 

You picked out a gorgeous light blue silk dress and some strappy white heels to match. You were maybe a little ‘under’ dressed for dinner with your father, but all you could focus on was Bucky. You felt high whenever he crossed your mind, your body unable to focus on anything except the feel of his cool skin touching yours.

By the time you were done shopping, it was almost time to meet them at dinner. The driver promised to bring the rest of your bags home and drop you right off at the restaurant. It was all the way across town, and you’d most likely still be late even if you left now. So you hopped in the car quickly, your new outfit looking perfect. 

The drive to the restaurant took just as long as the driver said it would- maybe even longer. You were getting impatient as the time went by, wondering if he was thinking about you the way you were thinking of him. 

It was unlikely. You still weren’t sure who exactly he was, but you knew he didn’t spend his time with ordinary girls. 

But why did he want you to come to dinner? It was odd of him to take such an interest in you. None of your fathers other clients seemed to look twice in your direction. But then again, Bucky was the only one that required privacy. 

As you got lost in your thoughts, your mind tumbling through expectations and excitement, your driver pulled swiftly up to the front entrance of Paterro’s. 

Upon walking through the doors, you were taken aback by the overwhelming fanciness of this restaurant. Your father definitely undersold how nice it was. You felt slightly underdressed, but no one seemed to look twice at you. You were used to not turning heads, being able to walk through a crowd without notice. 

That changed when you got to your table. Your father wasn’t there, most likely in the bathroom or at the bar. It was just him, looking just as beautiful as you pictured he would. 

He wore a navy blue suit that hugged his skin tightly and left very little of his body up for imagination. As you walked towards him, his head lifted from the table and his eyes lingered towards your body. He gave you a soft smile, but he was obviously distracted by how much of you he was seeing. 

“Your… Henry ran to grab a few cigars for later…” he mumbled, standing up awkwardly and pulling out a chair for you. 

“Thank you…” you whispered, sitting shakily down in the chair as he pushed you in towards the table. 

You were in between Bucky and your father’s seat, but much closer to Bucky. Your father came back less than 30 seconds later, which was ideal, since you couldn’t think of a single word to say to Bucky. 

Your father greeted you kindly, a wide smile that read as ‘You better be good tonight.’ It clearly wasn’t normal for him to have guests attend his business dinners. He seemed just as put off as you did, but the two of you kept your thoughts to yourselves and made small talk. 

“This is one of my favorite restaurants, (Y/N),” your father smiled, handing you a menu to you. 

“I’m excited to be here. Thank you for having me,” you responded kindly. 

Bucky and your father started talking about business, leaving you to your own thoughts as you scoured the menu. The prices were insane, but obviously you weren’t footing the bill. You had half a mind to order the most expensive thing on the menu, for the hell of it, but you settled on a nice glass of red wine and pasta. 

You weren’t included in much of the conversation, wondering why exactly you were invited in the first place. It seemed that the two of them barely even knew you were there. You sipped at your wine angrily, wondering how you could get Bucky’s attention. 

It was then when you decided to make one of the riskiest decisions of your entire life. But, high risk, high reward, right? 

Bucky cracked a joke with your father, and you laughed loudly and girlishly, forcing him to draw his eyes towards you. You then gently placed your hand on his knee, dragging your fingertips on his thigh lightly as you smiled at him. For a second, you forgot your father was even there, lost in the delight of finally having your hands on Bucky. 

But you quickly drew your hand back, afraid of how far you’d go if you didn’t stop. Luckily your father didn’t seem to notice, or care. But Bucky did. 

In fact, he was glaring at you. His fists were clenched on the table, his breath shaky and his stared. His face started to relax and he looked away, a slight smirk on his face as he grabbed his drink and gulped it. 

“I have to run and make a quick phone call,” Bucky said abruptly, not waiting for a response before leaving the table. 

You turned awkwardly to your father, not sure what to say to him at this moment. Thankful for you, he clearly felt the same, and buried himself in his phone. That was the nice thing about your father, he never forced you to talk. 

Bucky was back quicker than you’d expected, looking relieved as he sat down. 

“Sorry about that,” he smiled, clearing his throat. “Where were we?” 

The three of you started chatting again, a feat that only lasted about five minutes, before another interruption. Your father’s phone started ringing loudly, much to your embarrassment. 

“One sec,” he whispered, jumping out of his chair and answering in a rush. 

Your heart dropped as you realized you were alone with him for the first time. You couldn’t bring yourself to look at him after you nearly groped him under the table. You felt a lump in your throat as you stared intently at your fathers empty chair. 

“Do you wanna talk about what the hell you’re doing?” Bucky growled at you, making you finally turn your head and face him head on. 

“I don’t know what you mean…” you whispered innocently. 

“Oh, shut the hell up. I’m not gonna fall for your sweet girl act. Your father might, but I see right through it…” He snickered, taking a large sip from his third drink of the evening. 

“I’m sorry if I’ve done something to upset you, James.” You could see him cringe at the sound of that name. You couldn’t help but to get under his skin. Something about him so angry made it hotter. 

“Listen, if you wanna fuck me, just say it. I’m not here for all these little games.” 

“You truly think every girl in the entire universe wants to have sex with you? Seems like somebody has a little ego problem,” you retorted, rolling your eyes and looking away. 

“Oh, baby,” he laughed, touching your cheek lightly with his thumb. “You’re telling me you wouldn’t get under this table and suck my cock if you could?” 

The thought of your mouth around him made you quiver, which was very evident to Bucky. He laughed coyly, before tightly gripping your chin. He brushed his thumb lightly over your lips, your body aching at his touch. 

He dropped his hand quickly as your father approached the table, looking distraught. 

“I’m so sorry guys... My client just called, major emergency. I’m gonna have to run… Bucky, can you make sure (Y/N) get’s home safe? I’m gonna have to take my car…” 

Bucky chuckled quietly and nodded at your father, enjoying the obvious win. 

“I’ll take good care of her, man.”

Your father thanked Bucky, throwing his credit card to you for dinner and running off in a hurry. You felt sick to your stomach, all the red wine dancing around in your body. You felt Bucky’s hand on your thigh, rubbing circles on your skin. 

“You ready to go?” He winked, tilting his head for an answer. You could only nod, unable to think of any words to say. 

Bucky tossed three one-hundred dollar bills down on the table, taking them from a large wad of cash hidden in his jacket. You felt dizzy at the sight of all the money, wondering where it could possibly be coming from. 

The valet pulled Bucky’s car around, which was obviously something beautiful and fancy and nauseatingly expensive. He opened the passenger door for you, helping you up into the seat. He leaned towards you after you were sitting, pulling your face to his. He kissed you intensely, not giving you a second to think, or breathe. You melted into him, allowing his body to do whatever he wanted. 

But he quickly broke away, closing the door and getting in the driver seat. He didn’t speak to you the rest of the ride, just casually glancing in your direction every few minutes. You wondered if you should tell him where you lived, or if he already knew. But you quickly realized you weren’t going home.

You pulled up to a large white house on the beach. The gates opened promptly as you arrived. They closed quickly behind you, making you finally realize the intensity of the situation. You were here now, locked inside, with a complete stranger. A very, very hot stranger. 

Bucky opened the door for you, clearly picking up your awe at the size of the house. 

“I’m just renting it. I don’t usually stay in one place too long…” he explained, a hint of sadness in his voice. 

“What exactly do you do?” You asked, instantly regretting it as you noticed the distaste in his voice. 

“You don’t need to know that, yet,” he snapped, emphasizing the word ‘yet’. What the hell did that mean? 

He ushered you through the front door, offering you a glass of wine as you entered. You accepted happily, staring at his wide wine collection that was much nicer than the box sitting in your fridge. 

You sat down on his couch, sinking into the soft cushions, realizing just then how tipsy you were. As he walked back towards you with your drinks, you felt a wave of excitement and spontaneity wash over you. Fuck wine, man. The worst and horniest decisions you ever made were because of wine. 

Bucky set your drinks done and you didn’t waste any time. You jumped up towards him, pushing your lips onto his and dragging your hands down his body. He didn’t fight you, unbuckling his pants quickly. He began kissing your neck, pulling down the straps of your dress. You hadn’t worn a bra, giving his lips easy access to your breasts. He sucked your nipples lightly, grazing his teeth. 

You pulled his shirt over his head, revealing a perfectly sculpted body that at this point, you had expected. You brought your hand down to his dick, already hard and poking out through his boxers. You pushed him off of you as you got down to your knees, removing his boxers and taking his length into your mouth. 

You flicked your tongue across his tip, making him shake under you. He grabbed the back of your head and pushed himself deeper into you, hitting the back of your throat. He moved in and out of your mouth, his hand holding your hair out of the way. 

Finally he pulled out of your mouth, beckoning you to stand up. You did as you were told, getting off your knees and following him to the catch. He sat down and dragged you onto his lap, feeling his cock under you. He kissed you for a while, but you never got bored. You could’ve kissed him forever. 

But you felt him twitching beneath you, begging to be inside. You positioned him to your opening and slid down gently, adjusting to his size. He moaned slightly, throwing his head back as he went in. 

“Don’t move for a second…” he commanded, sitting up and taking your face. He was inside of you, not moving, just holding you. 

“You are the most beautiful person I have ever seen,” he whispered, the scotch spilling from his breath. He didn’t give you time to respond before he grabbed your hips and began to rock you on him.

You let him move you for a few minutes before you started moving yourself. You felt the overwhelming rush of pleasure take over as you got close to cumming, speeding up your motions. 

“Shit…” you squealed, riding out your high as he kissed your neck. 

“Keep going… I wanna cum inside you…” He whispered into your ear, his lips tickling your jaw. 

You kept grinding your hips, moving faster as he got closer. He gripped onto your hips, digging his nails into your skin as you felt him twitch. You felt him fill you up with warmth, claiming you as his in that moment. The ultimate trophy of male dominance. 

You felt sick to your stomach after you got off, feeling him drip down your thighs as you rolled to the other side of the couch. The fun of the wine had worn off into an annoying headache, and you were dreadfully thirsty.

For some reason, you wondered if you had dreamed the whole thing, before you looked over and saw a naked Bucky, staring blissfully at you. 

“Can I get you anything?” He asked, kindly. 

“Water.” 

He smiled graciously, standing up and putting his boxers on. He walked down a hallway, presumably to the kitchen, and your fight or flight kicked in. You quickly grabbed your shoes and bag, bolting out the front door, unable to face him. 

You were greeted by the fresh air, happy to be back in the realm of normalcy. And then you remembered. The gate. 

“Fuck…” you exclaimed, dropping your shoes on the pavement. 

“I’ll take you home.” You heard, seeing an uncomfortable Bucky standing in the doorway. 

You got back in his car, staying uncomfortably silent as he started the engine and opened the gate. 

“Do you regret it?” He asked. His voice snapped through the quiet like a whip. It made you jump. 

“No. I don’t.” You answered. It was the truth. 

“Good. We’ll talk soon, then.” 

He dropped you off without another word, and you realized you never actually gave him your address. 

Who the hell was James Barnes? 

[knotmagickstudios]

ADHD/Autism diagnosis as an adult, part 2

Part one with the background can be found here.

My GP arranged a referral to neuropsychology, and about a week later her office called with more info, and then emailed me a list of local providers. I didn't really know what to look for and didn't have the energy for research, so I just went down the list and made an appointment with the first office that a) picked up the phone b) was taking new clients and c) played nice with my insurance. It was about 5 offices I ended up calling altogether. I'm honestly shocked there were that many places, since there's only 1 office in Ohio that does adult assessments, and they really don't *like* doing adult assessments. They are really more set up to work with kids.

This is only one of the reasons why I didn't pursue a diagnosis in Ohio. The other is that some offices, in order to learn more about your childhood behavior, want to contact friends and family that have known you since you were very young. In my case, that wasn't an option. I'm no longer in contact with any non-family members who knew me before the age of 16, and as I mentioned last time, there's a lot of stigma in my family regarding mental illness and things like ADHD/Autism, so they would either refuse to talk to the doctor, or wouldn't give accurate responses.

Anyway, much to my surprise I only had to wait about 3 weeks to get an appointment. The office called and we made a total of 5 appointments. The first was blocked off for 2 hours for the initial assessment, and the 4 follow up visits would each be an hour. One session had to be in person.

Dr. B and I met over Zoom yesterday. He asked a lot of questions about a lot of different things. We started with the ADHD assessment, since that's what my GP wanted to look at because of my sleep issues. He asked what ADHD symptoms I thought I had, and I was honest: It wasn't on my radar as a possibility until recently. Most of my more ADHD traits have showed up in the past year, more as a result of my fatigue, just because it's so much harder for me to do or think anything when I'm tired. He asked about my energy levels as a kid, how they've changed as an adult, what my organization skills are like, how I manage (or don't manage) time, and things like that.

In the end, he said that if I have ADHD, it's a very mild case; I was a very active kid, but not in a disruptive way. According to him, he things the biggest problem I'm facing right now is low dopamine, but we're going to continue the assessments/follow ups.

We did talk about the possibility of medication, since low dopamine isn't really something that can be treated without it, especially because I'm so fatigued I can't be active. I stated that I don't want to start with a stimulant, at least right now, because of my sleep issues and the diagnostic processes. I want to leave that alone until I have more answers on what is going on physically. He agreed that this was the best move, and suggested two medications that are usually recommended for depression, and would piggyback off my current meds to hopefully raise my dopamine levels enough to where I have some energy and motivation back. But, we are holding off on any meds until appointment 3, when I see him in person. Appointment 2 will be the autism assessment, so once we finish that we'll have a better idea of where things are.

One thing I found funny was that my GP gave me side eye for 2 caffeinated drinks a day (chai latte in the morning and a Barq's rootbeer at lunch) because they are the only way I can stay alert enough to drive myself home from work and function as a human at the office.

Dr. B? "Well, if it's working, keep it up!" He also asked me if I crave carbs. I cackled. "Sir, I am of French descent. My wife will tell you I'll commit murder for good bread."

So now I basically have a prescription for lattes, baked goods, and chocolate, because they help raise my dopamine levels. And now I need "That's my emotional support latte" on a tee shirt. #unionstrong

I know my situation is pretty unique because I'm going through multiple diagnostic processes right now, but isn't every diagnosis unique to some extent? Everyone has some kind of extenuating circumstances, even if you don't realize it at first.

So that is basically where things stand right now. I have my autism assessment in a week, and I'm still waiting to hear back from rheumatology and endocrinology on when I can make appointments with them. As always, I am happy to answer any questions about this process, or my other conditions/diagnostic processes that I can.

[spell-cleaver]

hey there! read one of your fics, checked out some of your others and marked them for later, and wanted to check out your tumblr, and then noticed that it says ‘teenager’ in your bio. not to be weird - i’m so sorry, feel free to delete this if it comes across as weird, but how do you have the time? i mean this literally - i’m also a teenager writing Star Wars fics, but, gosh, I use a lot of my free time writing them and most of them are about a thousand words long (1/2)

(2/2) and they already take up so much of my time. I also deleted my tumblr because it was taking up too much of my time, but you seem to be doing great with both platforms, and also being a teenager - so I just wanted to ask how you manage to manage your time so well/have so much time? I would love to write longer things, but between school and family and extracurriculars and community service i just don’t have the time. I’m so happy for you that you’re living the time management dream🤩💛 /gen

Hi there!! No worries, I don't find this weird at all :D And thanks for reminding me that was in my bio, it's been there for years but in a few weeks it'll no longer be true and I'll have to change it XD

I have been writing this much (if not as prolifically) since I was 14/15 though, and that's mainly because it sounds like I had an advantage compared to you. I was actually talking to my sister this morning about different types of school we have in the UK and long story (and angry rant) short, my secondary school was really, really chill. I had homework. There were a few clubs I went to. But it finished every day at 15:05 and I went home at 17:00 at the latest and I had the evenings and weekends free. Compared to a lot of my friends who went to different schools to me, that was a lot of free time.

Plus, I was lucky to be a fast writer. When I started out I could write about 1k in an hour. Now, if I'm working at average speed and writing consistently, I can do 1k in 20 minutes. Plus, I retrained myself a few years ago with online typing games so I could type faster (and properly. I used to online type with my index fingers, and that was both slow aaaand I was starting to injure them). So I just happen to have that speed advantage which meant I could take advantage of my spare time.

And finally, you mentioned school and family and extracurriculars and community service. I had one or two volunteering roles, and one or two ECs, but they took maybe 4-6 hours a week max. Writing was my main hobby. My friends mainly met up at the weekend, and I wrote in the evenings. My family knew that and didn't bother me during writing hours (and I was also lucky to be in a household that didn't need me 24/7. When my parents had illness or operations and such, my writing time was affected! They needed me around the house more). Contrast this with my time since September, which was my second year at uni but the first where stuff is actually on, post-lockdown. I was running around like a headless chicken trying to figure out what I wanted to do and what time I wanted to keep for myself and was all around exhausted - and though, bc I'm a fast writer, my output didn't necessarily show it, I didn't spend much time writing! Which was frustrating, because writing is a super important way of relaxing for me. But I didn't have the time for the first time ever, and that was stuff I'd chosen for myself, let alone actual commitments.

I am a strict timekeeper - I love planning my days to the minute - and I am fairly good at self-discipline, so when I was 15 and said "my new year's resolution is to write every single day", I did it. Saying to myself that the evening from about 7pm to 9pm was my writing time was really helpful, and I defended it. But overall, I was in a lucky situation in that I was able to have that time to defend at all. (Moving away and having to cook for myself, which could take all evening, made it difficult as well.)

TL;DR: Basically, I write fast, and I was lucky. I did have the time, because there was plenty of other stuff I was lucky not to have to do, and so when I set myself a daily challenge I had the time to do it. It was circumstantial just as much as it was time management skills. Though I do pride myself on timekeeping, and it was useful, it wasn't super important. Not everyone has the time to write every day - I don't anymore, not during the semester, though thankfully I'm on holiday now - and that's alright.

[wildingrose]

diamond in the rough

dark alley help part 5

part 4: the introduction | part 6: intrigued police

word count: 2k

》 handjob

- ✿ -

You sneaked into the house without your mother in sight. She must be sleeping still. Taeyong had given you a pair of pants to wear under your shirt and if your mother had seen you in them... you had a lot of explaining to do. Carefully on your tip toes, you managed to successfully get into your bedroom without getting caught and let out a deep breath. You shrugged out of his clothes and put on a floral cami dress along with matching panties. You folded the clothing and quickly hid them in your dresser right when your mother barged in, fuming hard with her nose flaring. 

"Where on earth were you, young lady?" she yelled.

Ignoring your mother was bound to land you in trouble. You had thought through a ton scenarios on your way back home, none of them seeming fit. Telling her about Taeyong had no positive outcome no matter what you tried to envision. You knew he was going to be rejected by her. So you settled with lying. "I was with Raymond." Your mother would never contact him to ask about your whereabouts because that would technically leave a bad impression of yourself to him, that you were the type of girl to disappear at night and not return till the next day.

She narrowed her eyes on you. "Oh really? You know, I was just on the phone with him, asking if he was available to take you out today." Oh shit. "And he mentioned that it'll be great since he hasn't seen you all week!" her voice raised at the end. "Now where the hell were you?"

You rolled your eyes, annoyed that you were going to have to say the truth as any other lie wasn't going to work on her. "I was with someone."

"Who?"

"A guy."

Your mother gasped. "Is he rich?"

This was the part where you didn't know what to do. You thought back to Taeyong's apartment and you could tell right away that he wasn't earning anywhere close to what your mother's requirement was. The truth was the right thing, but that was surely to rip you apart from him. Your granted access to walking to the library every night would be immediately canceled, or even going out anywhere in general unless Raymond was picking you up. Then, there would be no more Taeyong and you couldn't stand to imagine that.

Lying would save you and let you continue to see him. But you'd have to be careful with what lie you'd pick. Your mother was a nosy one. She would right away want to see his place and inquire about his workplace, even going as far as contacting where he'd work to confirm the details. She was dead set on having you married off to the money-loaded.

"Well... he looks rich." That wasn't a lie. He was so handsome that anyone would think he was the heir for some luxurious company without knowing his background. "And we went to a really nice hotel after so I don't know much about him. But I really really like him, mom. I wanna stop seeing Raymond when all I can think about is him. Please?" you pleaded with big puppy eyes despite that it never had any effect on her.

Your details seemed to have made her somewhat pleased. "He sounds prosperous." She crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes on you. "I'm not taking back my word and you better go out with Raymond today. But I do want to meet this guy of yours for dinner tonight. If he meets my expectations, then I'll cancel the alliance with Raymond. Deal?"

Your heart was pounding hard in your chest, fearing for what was going to happen at night. At least she was giving Taeyong a chance and a way out of your meetings with a guy you had zero interest in. You were going to have to prepare both yourself and Taeyong for the dinner to get her approval. "Deal," you said, nodding frantically.

"What's this guy's name?"

"Taeyong."

She hummed, quietly speaking, "Let's see how this Taeyong is."

-

You looked at the small building that was currently owned by your father. The lights were out but you knew your brother was in there. Bursting through the doors and into the office room, he sat on the grand leather chair with feet on the desk, playing on his Nintendo switch. He glanced over at you and huffed. "Nice to see you alive, lil sis. Do you even know the shit I had to hear mom rant on-" You strode up to the desk and slammed your hands on it, making him jump and pause his game. "Geez, you didn't have to scare me like that-"

"I need the business."

He blinked at you. "Are you crazy? I'm here sacrificing my Saturday morning acting like I'm learning and you want dad's business?"

You nodded.

He arched a curious brow. "Why?"

"You know they won't let me do anything. They can't say no if it's their business. Plus, you'll be free from this hellhole."

A mischievous smile formed on his face. "Are you trying to bargain with them for something? Why are you getting the idea now?"

You trusted your brother with your secrets as you two were ill-fated with parental expectations. "I... like someone."

"And he's not rich, is he?"

You shook your head.

He hummed, "I can teach you then."

-

You had texted Taeyong the details for the day. He had two things to tackle. First, meet this Raymond guy with you so that you could cut him out of your life. And second, prepare to show his best version of himself in front of your family for dinner.

He pulled the vehicle in front of the building that you texted. While waiting for you, he thought back to the black dress that you left behind intentionally at his place.

A little souvenir from me, you joked.

You knew you were going back to his place again and decided to let it stay there, all pretty with memories rushing back to how good he made you feel.

Taeyong saw you walking out of the building with a guy behind you. When your eyes met his, you grinned and began jogging over to him, making him step out of his car with his heart fluttering.

"Taeyong, you're here!" you exclaimed, beaming hard. While you didn't know how the meeting was going to end between Taeyong and Raymond, you were excited to end things off with Raymond and focus solely on spending time with the guy you had recently grown fond of despite the little time.

The little time containing quite high quality memories.

Your brother caught up and asked, "So this is him?"

You nodded. "Yup, he's Taeyong. And Taeyong, this is my older brother."  

Taeyong gave him a curt nod. "Hello, it's nice to meet you."

Your brother chuckled. "It sure is, meeting the one that stole my baby sister's heart. I'll come for you if you break it."

"That won't happen," Taeyong answered with seriousness. He couldn't fathom breaking the heart of his precious doll.

"I hope it won't. I'm expecting you to be better than that jerk Y/N's been set up with."

Taeyong side glanced over to you and you gave him a warm smile. "Taeyong can't be compared to him or any man that mom grows heart eyes for. He's a diamond in the rough."

Taeyong's breath hitched at your compliment. No one had ever called him that.

"Well then, good luck Taeyong, trying to get on our mom's good side." With a wave, your brother walked back into the building.

"See ya!" you yelled and turned to the one beside you, only to be met with twinkling eyes. "Tae?" When he didn't respond, you placed a hand on his shoulder gently, and he broke.

He smashed his lips to yours, sucking hard on your bottom lip as his hands rested on your waist, pulling you close till there wasn't a gap between you. Making a small noise of surprise, your hand went up to cup his cheek and the other went to the back of his head, caressing the soft dark strands. The sensations of your fingers lightly scratching his head was turning him on, making him release a moan and grind his hips into yours.

You gasped when you felt his cock harden against you and pushed him back a little. "Not here Tae," you scolded softly.

He desperately whined. "Please?"

You looked around the area. It was a quiet block away from the busy streets, and you were sure that your brother was back in the office playing his game, so you weren't going to get caught by him.

Huffing, you pushed him into the backseat of his car, instructing him to lean against the other side. When you climbed in after, he pounced on you, his arms coming around to keep you still as he stuffed his mouth with your clothed breasts.

"Oh baby," you breathed out and the new name for him got him excited, resulting him to gently bit down open mouthed, making you mewl and you attempted to push him away with your hands on his hard shoulders. He obeyed and eagerly waited for your next move.

Your hand went to tug at his pants. He lifted his hips to help you with the action, clearly thrilled to meet your warmth around him again that he was addicted to.

He groaned when your hand wrapped around his shaft and thumb rubbed over the head as precum began spilling out. But when your head began to lower near it, he stopped you. "No, I want this," he whined as his fingers went under your dress to circle over your covered folds, hoping that would make you desperate for his cock to be buried into your cunt.

You were resolute and pulled his hand away. "Either you get my hand or nothing. We have somewhere to be and I'm not gonna risk getting messed up. We'll do anything you say after it's over. Deal?"

His cock twitched in your hold at your tempting words. "Anything?"

"Yes."

Taeyong licked his lips and agreed. You lowered your head and took his erect member into your mouth as much as you could. His mouth fell, head falling back when feeling your moist hot mouth around his cock. Your tongue swirled around getting your saliva to coat him perfectly before removing your mouth. You spat on your hand and grasped his throbbing dick.

"Lay down," you ordered. And he did without a complaint. At that point, all he wanted was a release.

You shifted to hover over him, your hand pressed into the seat beside his head as the other one began stroking him slowly. A gasp left his mouth and he shut his eyes to feel your delicate hand do the dirty work. "Faster, doll."

You increased your pace as he began bucking into your hand, desperate for an orgasm to hit him. You kept your eyes trained on his face, observing the way his mouth hung open as quiet sighs spilled out, his brows furrowed. When he was close, he lifted his eyelids, only to be welcomed by your burning gaze just inches away and that was when it hit him hard. He stilled for a brief moment as hot thick ropes spurted out, letting the initial lightning pass by before breathing out a series of curses. "Fuck, doll, fuck."

You kept a hand over to stop his cum from staining your dress and only coat your palms. His stickiness ran down the sides of his length.

Once it was over, Taeyong's head went limp yet his tired eyes kept trained on you as he was catching his breath. His legs twitched ever so slightly when you licked his cum off your hands and hummed.

"Tastes good, doll?" he asked cockily.

"Of course," you replied with a smirk. "After all, it goes inside me."

He let out a faint growl at your words. "Don't say that. You make me want to fuck you right now."

You trapped him by pressing your other hand beside his head and lowered your head super close to him till you felt his hot breath fan over you. "Good thing the deal is stopping you."

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