#ik this is pretty late i was just wondering if i should post abt it or not

[xqllin]

just fell to my knees look at how cute they are

[redysetdare]

yeah I'm talking abt trans hair. At least, my experience with being trans and my connection to my hair.

I've been someone who has grown up with long hair my entire life. it's fairly common for anyone who was decided to be a girl by the people around them. I was offered to have my hair cut short a few times but it was only ever bob cuts - basically feminine short. never short-short.

When i got older and realized I was trans, my hair became incredibly dysphoric to me. People said how pretty it was long and i grew to hate it. to me my hair being long is what made me a girl. I thought - naively - if my hair got cut I'd be a boy. Just like how all those girls in the movies could do. They'd cut their hair and be seen as a boy.

But I was scared. I feared not looking good with short hair. I feared people would laugh or I'd hate it. It took me years to build up the courage to finally ask for a haircut.

But i did finally ask and I showed my mom the picture for the hairstyle i wanted. We went to the hair stylists and they cut my hair. It was short short but... it was still feminine. Now I don't fully blame this on anyone - i wasn't out of the closet yet. I had shown a picture of a more feminine model that showed what style i wanted. But to be honest feminine or not it was short. It was short and I felt good about myself for the first time in years. I looked in the mirror and i could smile at what I saw.

I struggled a bit with style for a while, unsure of what I wanted my hair to look like. I wanted low maintenance but for it to still look how I wanted. At some point I was left with a long gap between my hair getting cut. In fact it's been over a year since I got it cut... I've moved since then and I'm worried about what I want. I mean, obviously cutting my hair doesn't make me look any more like a boy. I'm not on hormones. I dn't dress "boyishly". My hair still causes me dysphoria but now my dysphoria has shifted targets. when it realized that my hair can't change how people perceive me it moved to something else.

So i've been stuck without a hair cut for a year+. Partially because my money is short so i don't have the ability to spend something on a pricey hair cut. partially because I haven't had time to go find a hair stylist (ik barber shops exist but i don't think they'd accept me...). partially because I don't know what i want. Whats the point of going to a hair stylist and paying a ton of money I don't have just to get a hair cut i might not even like. so my hair has grown out. Which yeah, caused me dysphoria at first...until I realized that longer hair makes me look like the characters I have gender envy for. men with long hair are some of the top gender envy for me. So i drew my sona with long. I drew it to try and ease my dysphoria. to show how fun styling longer hair could be. and now I've grown to kinda like it? Sure, i still feel a bit dysphoric but I've been putting it in a mini ponytail lately and it feels nice :) I feel nice.

so when someone mentions how my hair being long is why I'm being misgendered.... think you can understand why that probably hurts a lot more than it likely would with anyone else.

ofc i don't blame this person for not knowing. It's my experience after all. but it still hurt. it hurt a lot being told what my dysphoria had told me so many times. that my hair was why i was seen as a girl. I was becoming happy with my hair and it set me back a bit. I started wondering if i should get a hair cut again even though I was happy with my hair as is...

of course I'm back to being happy about it again. It's easier to push through the dysphoria when you've already done it once before. (also helps that a lot of cis guys at my work have long hair)

tbh idk what the point of this post is. Maybe that trans peoples connections with their hair can be complicated and maybe saying how someone looks is the reason they get misgendered is kinda fucked up - especially when you don't know what the person wants /is comfortable with / is happy with /ect. maybe don't add to peoples dysphoria because you think you're giving them "advice" (quotations because telling ppl they don't pass enough is not advice)

idk. hair is complicated. my experience with hair is complicated. I'm sure a lot of trans peple have complicated feelings about hair. maybe it shouldn't just be a black and white "cut it if ur transmasc and grow it out if your transfem"

[youryuri-x]

₍ᐢ. ̞.ᐢ₎ ʕ•̫͡•ʔ ₍ᐢ._.ᐢ₎ ᐢ..ᐢ

Today has been up and down

Up and down up and down. It hasn't stopped. Not since morning...all i wanted was for you to have the best birthday.for you to be happy on your birthday. I wished and I manifested. And I'm so so happy to hear have had the the happy birthday you deserve.

Aw you looked so cute today...your birthday sash that was completely adorable on you and odlysuited you really well...i thought you looked so so good in it...every day I look at you.

Hehe you really did look like 'the king of the day' , or whatever it said on that sash...

I take a moment (it many) to take in your beauty. I'm always shocked at how much of an immense amount of beauty you posses...its like every day your beauty gets more and more ethereal...

You always just radiate this aura that attracts me so much...whether it's through your beauty or through anything you do...its just wow.

And today your aura was such a beautiful one. It was almost like you were glowing with the birthday fever of happiness and excitement, and as soon as you were in my presence I felt it too.

Seeing your 15 year old self for the first time was....wow.i

was feeling pretty on edge so when you came over to me as calm and as loving and cuddly as ever it made me so happy. That you stiw had time for me on your special day...it was such a huge comfort for me that you still cared about me even though it was your day...your perfect your perfect your perfect...

I said happy birthday to you and then you said it back hehe. It was rly cute and gave off the kinda clumsy almost shy vibes.... I've never seen that vibe comimg from you before...or maybe it was just me that noticed that.

But yes the highlight of my day personally was that moment.when you came over to me excited and in a lil clumsy shy tizz, and I told you happy birthday and you said it back to me. That was one of the most cute things I've ever seen you do irl...i wanna hear you do it again....

The rest of that lesson, which was English went by.

I got the plesure of being able to look at my birthday boy being happy out of the corner of my eye while trying to write something down about lady macbeth or whatever.but ngl I was definitely more focused on you.

English is that lesson of the day where I can look at your side profile for 50 minutes streight. And I love your side profile just watching you talk to someone or look at the bird or my personal favourite thing to watch is you running your hands through your hair, and from the side I get the best veiw.

I swear most of what I do in English is watch you like your something very very interesting on the TV lol.

But your side profile...its like a ethereal painting of an angel...so beautiful...and also kinds hot at the same time...

But yes you are compleatly mesmerising to watch...so interesting...i physically can't take my eyes off you.

I try and look somewhere else but my eyes wonder their gazr to look back at you. And I don't blame them. Your beautiful so beautiful. My eyes just can't miss such beauty.theh are drawn to your beauty like a moth to a flame...

Sorry if I sound creepy...i probably am..its just that my eyes can't stop looking at you...

You make English lessons such a treat to my eyes..and to my imagination. My current favourite fantasy is of me biting your neck like some sort of vampire lol >~<

I can't help thinking it. Ik it probably sounds weird but your neck just seems to be calling me to take a lil bite.... (sorry im weird asf)

But then the bell rang desrupting my vampire ass fantasies and snapping me back into the real world where I needed to get to physics, and biting your neck unfortunately wasn't my main concern...

Pysics...

I got to the class sat down and..wellt thought about you ngl. Just in a general way. Panicked that everyone else had got you better stuff for your birthday, and that I haddnt done enough, since I was the one with the honour of being your girlfriend.

And I mean your basically a god so it's a pretty big honor...

I between these thoughts I was doing the actual work that needed doing, and turning round to cheak the clock despite having a watch on.

Anything to see a glimpse of you, the light of my life in a dull 50 minute gray morbidity that is also known as Pysics.

The main event in physics was when you walked to the front of the class, allowing my eyes to take in your whole immage. I basically held by breath and just focused on you till I started subconsciously fiddling with my stapler again and gazing at you, basically drooling under my mask and then...

I stapled my mf finger. Your mf beautiful self made me staple my finger. It diddnt really hurt, until it started pissing out blood. I put a plaster on it and it was fine, but it shows how much of a klutz I am, and also how much of a sucker for you I also am...

Then it was breaktime. I gave you your present, and told you not to open it in front of me. Ngl it was a selfish asf thing to say...i was really self conscious...beacuse I knew everyone had got you great presents, especially after you told me that naci had made such an effort for you...

[Ngl I envy naci. She what I want to look like. Be like. I mean she has my old best friend and knows you I should stop lol. But just if your ever reading this, I've been envious of her ever since I've first saw her. Life isn't fair why can't I look like her?! I swear you'd be with her if I wasn't there...shes just wow. I wanna me her yknow lol? 🥺😩😩]

But yes I was really self conscious, and feeling in my full on jelous moody people hate mood, especially for the people who you were friends with...

It was probably down to the 3 hours of sleep I'd been getting for the last week each night, and the fact I'd been on the edge. But I feel really bad for saying that... I should have just lrt you open them...

Ngl I wish I'd have been able to see you put on a smile when you opened it. Put on the bracelet I made for you...too late now, but ig this will be a lesson to future me...

I swear allot of the time I use these blogs for getting better. Like being better to you cuz I read through my mistakes and I try to be better. That's why I'm making a note of these things lol.

Then I went with Angel beacuse I knew if I stuck around I could be a harard, being a jelous sleep deprived slightly Yandere aspie girl, I just decided to remove myself, cuz I was feeling like a big angry self concous raincloud and wanted to stay out of your way to give you the best day possible lol.

So then it was biology a lesson of looking at your extreamly attractive back profile....

And half listening to miss heart go on about the heart, ofc. All i knew was my heart circulates my blood around my body for you. Cuz your the one who makes it beat. And you make it beat fast.

I was watching you..ehehe I sound creepy. I pretty much am ngl. Sorry...i don't wanna make you uncomfy but I csnt help it.

I usually see you and fin pissing about during bio, but this time you squeezed his thigh. It made me pretty angry. That you would do this in my full view. It made me god damn angry, ngl. I mf wanted to lean over the best and squeeze your thigh, just so you'd know I'd seen. But ofc I diddnt do that. I'm too introverted. Doesn't stop me from getting angry and kinda hurt about it.

I mean im usually pretty sensitive about stuff like that. When your too close to someone when you know I'm around, watching or could see it. I try and egnore it with you and Sam. I don't like being angry and sensitive, especially not to you.

But sometimes it feels like I need to set some boundaries. Cuz you clearly dont see that there are boundaries of getting a lil too close to someone in the full view of your jelous asf possessive gf!!

Despite her not saying a word about it ever to you, trying to hint it to you, hoping you'd look back on these times and realise how they make me feel you haven't stopped. Ngl it doesn't bother me in the long term at all. I've got used to it. I got used to it with Sam pretty quick. But I always feel a lil uneasy when your too close for comfort or too flirty with someone else where I can see it even if it is just for a joke.

It makes me more uncomfortable becuase then it's like wtf are you like behind my back? If you think it's ok to do that in front of me? Everytime I think about I start crying ngl tears and all. I like to think I'm special to you and get special treatment I have no idea tho.

Your a charming guy with little boundaries. I don't expect much loyalty...i don't need loyalty I just your affection and love . Sorry for mentioning this if you ever see this pls think over what I've said.

That type of stuff really hurts me. When you do it in front of my eyes the thought thya your doing worse behind my back, even if it isn't serious, even if it's just for a joke.

I'm a sensitive little shit in reality, and I actually cried over your Instagram post becuase my insecure selfish ass was getting uncomfortable abt the video of you and naci >~<

Idk it just diddnt sit right with me that you put it on your ig where I could see. Idk if your seeing what I mean. Put yourself in my shoes about it...

But yes sorry.

Bio ended at it was lunch. I tried sitting with the group and it drained me I needed dto be be somewhere else where I could sink into the world of my mind, and the way I do that is through tumblr. Making sense and note of the things in my head.

I sat by jake. We diddnt really talk there was no need neither us us wanted a conversation I just felt comfortable cuz I knew I wasn't comoleatly alone. Jake was there so I spent lunch manifesting you a happy birthday. Obsessing over you and getting jelous. Being pulled into short depressive random states

Thinking about you. Listening to a capella ariana grande until I felt selfish enough to crawl back into people territory, to get some attention. I wasn't quite on jakes level yet I still needed some degree of people. I pushed down all my negative emotions and watched you lie on the grass for a few minutes, before you went, left me and I cried, becuase my self worth had randomly dropped, and I was thinking about the whole thing I explained earlier. I put on a smile and no one noticed. It made me feel numb. But then I saw how much fun you were having and was happy for the rest of the day, had an emotional high during French cuz I knew you were happy and that's all that mattered.

It was end of the day and time to get on the bus. One of the busses had crashed into my grandads car, the embarrasment of the family (according to my mum) and everyone was talking abt it lol.

I talked to a year 9 who knew kally and ened up giving me a hot spot so I could text you. I heard you liked what I'd got you so I ended on a possitive note.

I did two hours studding with my mum and did an orp with you. I was a lil off then tho I'm so sorry. I'm selfish. So selfish. But I gotta tell you how I feel. I can't hold it in anymore. What I've explained here is the only thing I'll shit talk you for

But yes. I' You've had the birthday you deserve. The birthday you really deserve and it makes m e feel so happy that you've got that. You've finally seen how much you matter to people. How many friends you have. How many people like and love you and I'm so glad you've seen that. Seen the amazing person you are x

. Sorry for being a whiny bitch. In a way I almost hope you see this...

But yes for one last time happy birthday my love x

[10gravity]

long post, personal//

Something I’ve kinda realized now (after what…. 6 years now?) is that I keep coming back to this website bc it’s somewhere I can vent and now it’s at the point where I feel compelled to vent here and nowhere else. I mean, yeah, there is the fact that this is literally the only piece of Internet space I have that isn’t connected to ANY irl people at all but? I don’t know if this is healthy anymore tbh, like…. I have a best friend?? I have someone I call best friend and someone who calls me best friend but how do I call her that when I don’t even tell her half the personal shit that goes on with me all the time? I’ve been questioning myself for years and years if I had depression ever since I found out the thing existed?? I have so many untold stories and pent-up feelings abt my mother and my friends and my self-image that I just,,, keep totally locked up and away from everyone I know irl. I feel comfortable telling internet strangers so many things but lately I’ve been wondering: well, why? Why is that?

I feel ok telling tumblr followers just bc people don’t interact with me. I don’t talk to people on a regular basis here, I don’t reach out, people don’t send me asks and I just? Stay isolated. I’m not even saying this to blame anyone like that’s literally just a me thing. God knows how many text posts I’ve ever scrolled past lmao. It’s hard to reach out and get personal on this site.

But then it’s like, well, okay….. why is THAT then? Why do I need to know I won’t get a response when I talk about myself? Do I only feel comfortable talking abt my feelings when I can pretend I’m not actually talking to another person, that no one’s actually there to listen?? Because I can’t even handle talking about my most personal feelings to strangers that I know won’t judge me so it can’t just be the fear of being judged holding me back. Ik it’s there lmao I’m just saying it’s not the /only/ thing, ya know? I want conversation with someone I’ve known for a while and feel totally comfortable around but I know what the fucked up thing is? I don’t actually have a person like that. It’s the strangest thing, it’s like internally engrained in me - oops no can’t talk to ppl that don’t know you they can’t fully get it if they don’t actually know you irl…. but at the same time i would rather actually choke then ever tell an irl person abt anything ever?? The closest I’ve gotten were fucking terrifying and only cause they happened to catch me in the middle of being too upset to care??

But back to my point,,,,, I guess what I’m getting at is that I think I’m realizing that I’m kind of in this self-made box rn bc I don’t want to talk to irl ppl abt Things bc they know me but I don’t want to talk to internet ppl abt Things bc they don’t know me like wtf knowing me or not can’t be the only reason but idk! what! that other reason is supposed to be!

And idek if I should stay on tumblr anymore bc on one hand it’s how I cope, and this account is much better (I went back the other day and holy crap I had such a depressing dash?? My personal tag is LOADED on that thing) but on the other hand idk how much it contributes to me letting myself get immersed in Sad bc boy oh boy is it real easy to look up so many emo posts…. haha….. I mean, I’m glad that I decided to remake as a full-time exo blog bc I just focus on pretty pictures of ppl I like and dumb memes and screaming about exo legends only instead of worrying abt which irl person is gonna go “why is there a kpop boy on my dash” and which person is gonna see my personal reblogs and scroll past again or maybe respond or /now/, if _____ is gonna see even though we both blocked each other and I haven’t been on in months :^)))))))))))

And idk why exactly I’m deciding to post this here instead of my private side blog lmao (yes….. I even have one of those in a space where no one knows me irl gjdksksks) but I guess I’m just trying smthg new? I’ve never really shared my thought process in a long ass post like this before and also I’m kinda feeling weird oddly un-feely kind of funky rn so maybe that’s also that at work here lmao 😂 I do this on peach all the time so I guess I could do it here? Idk. I’ve been considering starting up a journal again to keep more of my thoughts offline and maybe help with getting less attached to my phone…. if I don’t need to vent online then I don’t need to reach for tumblr & peach every single time something happens right?? Idk. Journals can’t really keysmash back at me :/ also they’re not around n available 24/7 sooo :/

Idk. You’re not obligated to like this. If you’ve read this far (LOL sry) bc ur like me,,,, a curious bicth,,,, you don’t have to like or whatever I’m literally just putting this out here for the sake of having it out here.

[herotheshiro]

i didn’t know where to post this -- here or on my other blog where i’ve moved my fandom ramblings but i’ve decided to put it here since it kind of touches on more personal topics/feelings. jk i wrote it all out and i didn’t really touch too much on personal stuff so into the fandom blog it goes. also putting it under a read more bc it ended up being pretty damn long wow

recently had a sort of issue/not-issue on twitter where i kind of openly expressed my dislike for this one character. no essay backing up why i dislike them, but i do have my (valid) reasons and i tend to be kind of semi-serious w my hate so i didn’t think too much abt swinging my opinions around. and also since this twitter is a recent development, i’m more used to tumblr where even if you openly express an opinion, you have a ton of character space to utilize to explain your opinion so you tend to explain yourself anyway unlike twitter’s limited character tweets where you basically just express your opinion and that’s it. anyway i might have gotten a little carried away since i don’t really interact w anyone in fandoms anymore and only w my fam member who we enable each others’ opinions and put my opinion on my bio and i think that along w my tweet trail led to potentially being vagued abt by a twitter account that mostly posts abt that fandom. i still have reason to suspect that /i/ wasn’t the sole target of the vagueing (if even) bc they said some stuff abt this character’s negative opinion that apparently someone expressed that /i/ never overtly said (like he’s evil and bad simply bc of how he treats this one person but i never said that, just implied that he’s a general asshole and maybe his relationship w this one person isn’t as good as i’ve seen previously from the fandom which is what i’ve deduced from reading canon content). since they never mentioned names or twitter handles explicitly, i purposely made some tweets (still being open, no censoring on purpose) to try to get a direct response and also low-key targeting the vaguers (out of my paranoia that they were indeed talking abt me which honestly prob not but also it’s a relatively small eng-speaking fandom involved w this character so they have to have stumbled upon me at one point). i did get a response (not from the vaguer(s)) from someone calling me out for not censoring my open dislike of this one character. but i also suspect they knew abt my dislike of this one character stemming from their interactions w another character bc they started talking abt shipping even though i never mentioned a ship in those tweets (but i did mention the latter character though not in conjunction w the former). anyway i felt the familiar heat of embarrassment upon seeing that notif of their callout but i almost immediately felt better abt the entire situation bc i finally got the direct callout i was waiting for and i knew what i needed to take down. direct and clear action

in hindsight after i made a series of vagueing tweets last night lol i feel like this entire situation is just me creating unnecessary drama and wildly hitting even ppl not even involved at all (as noted by the callout which was supposedly having non-involved randos in mind) just to make myself feel better or something which isn’t really respectful in any way (and i was totally open abt me just swinging wildly after the callout and my ensuing taking down of posts. this isn’t even a private twitter where ig it’s apparently socially acceptable to talk abt shit like that). and also makes me think maybe i never really learned anything from being online for almost my entire life. a weird part of me has always wanted to become fandom-famous online but i’ve never succeeded in doing so nor have i made an online group of friends i can bounce my opinions and headcanons off of. so i’ve never really developed an online community, i’ve always just been on the fringes and yelling into the mass without getting much attention. now ik that apparently twitter does indeed chuck your opinions well into that mass (good and bad i suppose), it’s a bit surprising to actually get “attention” ... i also mentioned this in my tweets last night but i really really dislike getting vagued abt which my psychoanalyzing brain was like “that’s bc you don’t like not knowing what others think abt you irl” and yeah if you got an issue w me i’d prefer you to tell it directly to my face rather than pretend you like me (which is totally hypocritical bc i do the latter to others but also i tend to just swerve ppl i dislike so it’s not like i go out of my way to pretend to be nice to them).

idk where i was trying to go w this bc now that i’m writing it out i’m like wow yeah i’m still in the wrong huh. sometimes i am in the wrong like years ago when i got called out for grossly shipping irl ppl (which yes i will admit i did do once upon a time but now i no longer do it or am ok w it) but i don’t feel like i was in the wrong this time so i just feel a little frustrated abt the vagueing bc if i was part of the group they were vagueing abt then i was definitely painted as someone w no critical thinking skills which i do, i just don’t share their opinion which they think is right (and tbh i wonder if THEY have critical thinking skills bc they said some things in defense of their opinion which i don’t agree with esp if you’re interpreting canon content like that. are we even reading the same content). i do genuinely feel better abt the series now bc before i was literally anxiety whenever i thought of or even saw the related characters. my fam member was trying to talk abt the series to me and they weren’t even talking abt the related characters but i just wasn’t feeling it bc of this whole situation which i literally made abt me even though there was no indication whatsoever it was abt me. this all make me think that i really should take a good fucking long break from fandoms and social media bc it just gives me unneeded stress and anxiety abt cancel culture, trying to be likeable enough to become fandom-famous, seeing hot takes, etc etc. i’ve already been winding down in terms of strongly interacting w fandoms but my mental health has not been doing so hot recently bc of irl things and fandoms are not ameliorating it at all. ik for some fandoms do indeed make ppl feel better but that’s when ppl actually interact w them and they’re not stuck in a bubble of no response whatsoever while ppl may potentially gab abt them outside of that bubble. my issue is that i always feel the need to create when i really get into a fandom and when you create you want ppl to respond to your creations! so you need to interact w the fandom. but then i then want to actually interact w the fandom fr instead of just posting from time to time and staying out of it and you know where that gets me sometimes. i think it’s bc i had a good time in the pjo and warriors fandoms and i want something like that again in new fandoms i’m in but for whatever reason that’s not how it is now.

i didn’t jump into the vagueing tweet mess bc as i said i wasn’t directly called out and also better to just ignore it but i couldn’t get it out of my head. and that’s making me really consider leaving fandom social media and just create fanworks solely for myself without even posting them online. my works don’t really get much response anyway which is fine tbh even having 1 like these days is good enough so it’s not like i’d be losing out. but idk man ... sometimes you just want to share stuff w others. maybe i should just make my own website and put stuff on there w no expectation for likes or whatever. this has also made me re-evaluate whether or not i really do want to go into art professionally. ik this one situation is inevitable w putting your opinion out on the internet and i wasn’t even in the wrong i feel bc it’s not like i have a problematic opinion (racism, sexism, incest, etc) but it has put a damper on creating content to put online even if the content i eventually want to create is original and is in no way associated w fandoms. even as i write that out i realize it’s kind of stupid to have such a damper put on me. i should watch spiderverse again bc that was the film that really inspired me to create my own creative visual content again and also i’ve been feeling really uninspired lately. ik i shouldn’t let this kind of stuff get me down if i really want to create art in the future but it’s hard to deal w sometimes. honestly i really should be seeing a therapist but also wow now it’s delving into more personal territory so i’ll end it here.

tl;dr i need to learn how to chill on the internet and i think i need to create boundaries for fandoms fr and stick w those boundaries for the benefit of my mental health. maybe i shouldn’t have gotten a twitter in the first place lol even if all i made it for originally was just so i could message a proxy on twitter and not to actually get involved in fandom twitter. i didn’t even get the proxied good in the end anyway bc i was forced to cancel the payment by a third party bc the proxy had not sent me the good in months despite them updating relatively regularly on how busy they were as a student. hah that just how it be

also side note i was like to myself “ok you need to chill bc these series’ characters aren’t real. there’s no need to get so worked up over them” but then i realized even that opinion is “problematic” bc there are ppl out there who really use the characters as like idk a therapy object and i’m genuinely not trying to be an asshole i just forgot the specific wording you use. so even if i’m like ‘they’re fake’ there are others who are like ‘no they make me feel better so don’t hate !!’ which idk is a mentality which i think ppl should shift away from bc you can’t be in fandoms forever unless you’re a professional fictional content creator which is also an opinion i think a good number of ppl would disagree w (“they’re not bothering anyone and it’s their life so what are you to say what they should do??”). idk this is my hot take for the day i guess but it’s fine to be a fan of stuff as you grow up but i think it should become less of a focus/active part in your life as you grow older. i mean maybe that’s a cynical way of seeing things bc maybe creating fanwork is a good de-stressor for ppl but i think i feel that way bc i’m not going into creative content professionally career-wise but ... idk what i’m trying to say here. i guess i just have complicated thoughts on fandoms in general.