#ik all i do is rant but i normally dont actually talk about ME

[iloveslllycatss]

the songs that remind u of them< not rlly a rant

btw every paragraph is talking ab someone new

RATING MY SONGS-CRUSHES

we all know conan gray right? ok great. well yk that one song “the cut that always bleeds”? or “heather”? those 2 songs remind me of my first ever crush from last year. who I changed myself to try and make like me, this crush only lasted for about 2-3 weeks and I ended up being rejected bc he had a girlfriend I didn’t know about. those songs remind me of him because I used to listen to them the 3 times I cried about him. it wasn’t a bad crush but I definitely needed to work on my standards. 3/10.

okay next is money by the drums and afraid by the neighborhood. those 2 songs were songs I’d listen to as i think about him while I was in art class. this dude was fine and funny and taller then me and all of that. problem is: i BARELY knew him. so I confessed by having my friend text him on discord and do it FOR ME (i was too pussy to do it). then it got awkward between us. fast foreword a year and last semester i had pe with him. since he was friends with one of my close friends i got to talk to him and we slowly became ‘friends’. i gained a crush on him again and since then I still do JSSKSKSK. this dude used to chase me in pe and throw dodgeballs at me and make me laugh and stuff so I DEF HAD A REASON. he made me smile and all of that cheesy romance stuff… i HAVENT seen him in like 6 months due to me doing online school now………. i still habe a crush on him. 8/10

okay these songs are first love/late spring and francis forever and bag of bones by mitski. last year I was SUCH A BIG mitski fan it’s actually crazy. okay so me and this dude were in a class together around the end of last year and we actually became best friends! me and him would text on the daily and all of that and we use to ft and make fun of each other and all of that and it was honestly such a good friendship (we had a pet rock together. we used to play fight in the class and I would send him outfits for me to wear out places and he’d help me choose and all of that). i had a crush on him since before the friendship started and so I gained a BIG FAT crush on this dude and it didn’t go away. so fast foreword like 2 months and he tells me he has a crush on my friend! (It was not good I cried for like a week listening to mitski the whole time). and so we went through all of that normal “omg DONT b a pussy and confess to her!” (while i stay quiet ab my crush ab him 💀). and then after like 2 more months I tell him and I’m like “hey i just want to lyk i have a crush on u and IK u aren’t looking for a relationship and I’m not either but I just want to let u know so it doesn’t get in the way of our friendship and I hope u see me the same”. he didn’t really care and we stayed friends. THEN AFTER LIKE A MONTH HE STARTED ACTING ALL WEIRD LIKE “goodnight 💗” AND LET ME SLEEP ON HIS SHOULDER ON THE BUS AND LIKE DID ALL THIS STUFF THAT MADE ME THINK HE LIKED ME (told me how pretty i was, send me hearts, hearts next to my contact name and so on.). this goes on until I find out he does it to like 4 other girls. I CRIED SO HARD U DONT UNDERSTAND. and so after thwt he gets kinda distant and I’m still trying to salvage our friendship and he keeps getting more and more distant until the new school year starts. OKAY SO NEW YEAR NEW ME NEW CRUSH RIGHT? no. WRONG! i still had a crush on this dude after like 6 and a half months and it just keeps going. so me and him keep talking (him kinda being distant but kinda back to normal) and then he starts getting HELLA distant. so then after that I go to my schools fb game and he happens to be there. this dude acts like he doesn’t know who i am until i pull out my bag of chips and I’m sharing with people. so after this I’m still trying to get his attention so I air smack him and turns out. THUS DUMB HOE DOESNT FLINCH. so I ended up smacking him REAL hard right in the face and breaking his glasses. (this happens again like 2 minutes after the first time…) and so he knows I was sorry and joking and I gave my bag of chips and fixed his glasses (they weren’t super broken like u could pop them back into place) and we r good. until he goes back to acting like i don’t exist. that right there was the moment I realized I  have lost feelings for this dude so I leave the game and I go home right and all is good. until like a whole semester later and it’s been like months since I didn’t like him anymore and all of that. and so after I go online and I get grounded for 6 months I get on my snapchat and I go onto this groupchwr I’m in with him and I say “hi everyone” and all of that and everyone says hi and then they decide to prank me and say “oh btw _____(him) is dating ______(my friend he used to like)” and I’m like “omg congrats for u guys” yada yada yada and then after an hour (I still believe it bc nb told me it was a joke) I start CRYING AB IT. and I’m so confused I’m like ‘why am I crying I don’t even like him?’ and then I vent to my cousin and she’s like “u still like him ur just not admitting it and that’s why ur sad” and I just keep denying it and everything. then in the end I throw away my feelings and replace them with hate and dislike and now I FR don’t fw him and I don’t like him and I don’t even want to breathe in his direction. this crush was a 2/10 because although I cried most of it and I was sad like the whole time we still had some good times and we still had those fun days and stuff and I don’t want those to go to waste so 2/10. (he didn’t go to my school this year btw)

(IK 99% of u mfs didn’t read half of that LMFAOSOAOSO)

okok next is poco loco from coco. ur ab to call me a homie hopper but… this dude is the last dudes best friend. okay basically I had a crush on him the mid-end of first semester bc he was just so… perfect? okay so me and this dude were kinda friends. we were in the same gc together and alla that so we talked. this dude was tall and nice to look at and funny and goofy. LITERALLY MY TYPE. so I had a crush on him and we slowly became more friends ever since my friend (a dif friend) broke up w him… so me and him are friends and nothing really happens between us tbh.. poco loco reminds me of him bc he’s a spanish speaker and he would like send me the lyrics of it sometimes and he would just b making fun of it and stuff. we also played a lot of imsg games… 4/10

UM THATS ALL I CAN THINK OF RN TBH… IK MOST OF U GUYS DIDNT MAKE IT TO THE END SO IF UR HERE ILY 😘 

[summertimeskinney]

lol just ranting

anyone else at the point where they are just maintaining even tho they arent even close to their ugw? bc im 130 rn and maintaining it but my ugw is at least 74/75 but im just at the point where im not always completely disgusted by my body because im looking at it more subjectively and i dont think i would look good skin and bone.. honestly i dont even know why im doing this anymore. Like i dont even remember why i started doing this in the first place. my hw was like 150-160 and the only reason i became aware of my weight was because authority figures in my life were pointing it out (according to my bmi i was only slightly overweight) I started losing weight rapidly in freshman year because i discovered proana and found a community of people who were in the same situation. and i was praised.. by everyone? i was starving, then i was binge/purging. how did i even end up like this? i mean ive never really had the best relationship with food but i was only overeating a bit. now i eat until i feel so sick that i puke or am in physical pain. i can make myself throw up on demand now? ive gone literal days without eating anything. like nothing at all besides diet soda, sugar free monster, and water. im at the point where my brain is in a constant battle between the decision to binge or starve. i'll just be minding my business than my brain will be like "if you were 80lbs it wouldn't be this way" or "you're so fat, it wouldn't even be hard to be 100lbs or less. like. what are you doing? why are you so heavy and gross?" it won't stop. and instead of starving like i used to i just binge, like all day. and i dont purge either.. i don't even know whats going on anymore. im not depressed like i used to be, but i can't get the thoughts out of my head. i guess you really are in it forever? i never really believed all the warning posts about how bad eds are and how you can never go back, or maybe i just ignored them. i cant even fathom what i really look like. i have body dysmorphia in all the ways. not only do i think that despite being 5' tall and 130 lbs i would fit into anything bigger than a small. i feel gross, but ik that when i go to the doctor she's going to say that i need to lose more weight because im 2 lbs from being in a normal bmi rage. despite my titties literally weighing almost 10lbs. but then i already have troubles fitting into clothes, most places don't carry more than a small or xs in person and almost never go over a small online. i am already an xs - small as an "overweight" person. I cant imagine how hard it would be to find clothes that actually fit me at 75 lbs soaking wet. i saw a video by jesse page today talking about how she always thought that to be a princess she had to be as delicate as possible and never take up space, but then how after gaining weight she fit her princess dresses better and relearned how to feel beautiful. i want to be a delicate little doll that you could toss around and never took up a whole seat. a pretty little doll that you had to be extra careful with because you didn't want me to break. ik its not good to feel this way but i can't change the temptation to forever be empty, live off candy and diet coke, and never eat real food again. to be more of an object than a human being. but then the logical side of my brain pipes in and is like hi, i dont care what i weigh but i want to have a strong healthy body with some good biceps. i dont know how to help myself or be normal.

anyways

im fasting n laxing tmrw bc i need a cleanse. lol bye

[1-talk-alot]

I know I know I know I said I wouldn’t rant about this topic again but be fr you didn’t know that and I didn’t care because that’s what I’m doing

Soooooo codenames yeah whatever this might be a longer rant than normal bcs im actually talking about 2 in one topics and the first one in friends! From a couple years ago

I need a few more codenames soooo

S - known her for 9 years uhhh shes really cool even though I dont see her very often anymore I also used to have a crush on her (little bit of lore you didn’t know I bet)

W - known her for 8 years shes also really cool

That’s it

OK this is a throwback to the times where everything was so different and im analysing why because I’m bored ig

S used to be one of my best friends, uhh along with H, W, and A (the only reason I gave them codenames was so I could write this sentence but they’re not in any stories or anything) and like I didn’t have any major friendship issues until the last couple years of my life and my mental health (which is not a topic I would like to cover right now) was also a lot better, like sure a lot of things were still shit but all in all I was happier yk? Then covid happened which wasn’t the biggest setback in my life but it’s definitely there and I can’t blame it all on my next point because there’s no way covid didn’t do anything to me

I think the whole being in my room 24/7, chronically online, bored and tired thing allll started there I think it as really subtle, I didn’t realise at the time, but my perspective on life, my average social battery, dare I say my patience all started to fall then (slowly but surely) I became irritable, I became used to frequent mood swings, I isolated myself for the heck of it, I didn’t go outside and I didn’t enjoy what I used to before and as if it wasn’t all slowly going downhill then, which I’m sure I would’ve gotten better if I’d had more time, uhh then I went to secondary and I was like shot down after the first month or so

If you were to ask my why I wouldn’t be able to give you an answer because my memory is so foggy (after reliving the same week 52 weeks in a row youd understand) I don’t see any specific differences, I know I stopped hanging out with A but nothing personal happened we just had different friendgroups and I think in year seven, nothing good ever happens in year seven, but nothing ever last either and I think my biggest issue was just time management and i don’t really stress over that anymore because icl about detention

In year eight however

So I had a new friendgroup right erase all the dudes from yr7, uhhh I actually really miss being i’s best friend because when I was every day was a lot more bearable but it’s okay we’re still friends, welcome L, E, and M!!!!!!!!!!! (wooooo) L and E i could easily talk about but it would be all positive so I’m not going to, Ik y’all aren’t here to watch a teenager talk about how happy she is, nobody tunes into that

Que topic 2! (It’s a continuation of topic one but onto the second stage of life aaand probably the last let’s be real)

So you might’ve noticed how I failed to include M when I said it would all be positive. That’s bcs it isn’t (plot twist) I could go on for ages but I’ve already done like 4 rants about this guy (and three of them are gone since I got T worded!) so instead I’m just gonna talk about recentl

TODAY !!!!!!!!!!!!! Today was shit honestly

Period once science uhhh idk if M thinks I’m too stupid to notice or if they think I won’t care about the way theyre suddenly treating my fp (/p)???? I know this isn’t my fight, I’m just talking over here but they’re not exactly trying to hide how dryly and reluctantly they reply? You’ve done so much shit and now you think you’re entitled to start acting like you’re the one being tired out. Kind of like a sexist boyfriend who hits his girlfriend, then when she leaves is like “well- i-I didn’t like you anyway!” To hide his fragile masculinity? Kind of like that yeah

Anyways ummm I could keep this professional but I’m better at voicing my argument if I sound like I’m just going batshit crazy speaking to that person and yelling at them so excuse me for the 2nd person, im still talking about M

One, how the fuck are you such a fucking narcissist??? You know it full well and you’re even proud of it and it makes me sick

Two, when I first became your friend I did think you were funny and that changed drastically because you’re just?? All your jokes consist of making fun of people insecurities, speaking in a cringe anime voice or using unfunny brain rot terms ‘ironically’ and sometimes it’s just so uncalled for like come on

Three, I just know that you think you’re at the “top” of this friendgroup. You think you can shittalk multiple people behind our back and we just won’t notice, you think your the only one with unspoken opinions and you don’t see past our very first trait. This was almost confirmed when you referenced L’s whole personality being hilariously stupid jokes and just ‘running around’. How blind do you even have to be??

I have multiple other things that annoy me but I can’t think of a way to put them into this rant so I’m just gonna list them now bcs i cba I just wanna get this done

• the way you obnoxiously played the full volume audio right in my ear today and didn’t it move until I did it for you

• the way you think I’m gullible enough to believe your simple lies

• the way you get so close to my face at times for like no reason like come on just don’t do that

•the way you only want to talk to me when you’re in the mood or when you need help and think I’ll just be there at your service

• the way you try to stop me from talking to E like when they were in the music rooms and I was gonna go and you kept stopping me stalling

•I know it sounds selfish but the way you’re stealing my inside jokes then being like “wdym I always did that that was my thing”

Uhhh that’s it ig? I’m not proofreading this so whatever uhhh im gonna go this way now bye

[midnighteloquence]

upside down cat plush

small rant roday because i wanna talk about today and stuff

um so straight off the bat im in the bus with C and a friend of ours ill just call D for the time being. and so theyre just talking amongst themselves not really including me which yeah i kinda feel shitty because of that but eh. they get off the bus still not talking to me at all which is kinda unusual because theyll atleast try talking to me

anyways i can already tell that C does not wanna be near me like theyre showing B stuff and not showing me unless i ask “can i see?” which just sounds soooo desperate ugh and they were also just not talking to me only responding with a “ok.” which like okay

um so i go with B walking around talking about mario (and a little bit of C because i wanted to mention that C does not like me) and so he and A are walking around idk what they were talking about mmfao

the most came from my dance lesson where C and D are talking shit about someone which to my overthinking mind im immediately rhinking me so i go to get my bottle in a separate room because its like my only chance to be by myself and chill out so i dont breakdown /nav

um so then at some point C is RIGHT NECT TO ME. with my tiktok up, ahowing D. and theyre talking about me. right fucking next to me. which uh what the actual fuck?? they moved away and i heard D say faintly “shes waiting for you to leave first” which no the fuck im not?? im actively sending you apologies for being distant, im sending you nice tiktoks and you think that?? um so i just get really anxious and panicky (none of this is a vent) like close to tears breathing heavy the whole package!! i go to the bathroom so i can fucking calm down (and apparently they were shittalking me while i was gone) uh im still feeling nauseous

anyways so english is next and i have B in my vlass so i tell them that like “hey i have to talk to you about stuff” and so at lunch i tell them about what happened in dance and i also told them about the fact that C does things that i donttttt like at all (i told her to continue acting normal and not confrontational because i dont wanna cause a rift in the friendgroup)

so end of the day woo hoo im boiling ik nauseous i have a headache im tired overall doing grand and im in the bus and D and C are talking to some guy on the phone and idk why but all of a sudden C starts talking to me normally again??? like you spent all day either avoiding me or shit talking me and then youre just gonna talk about some random cunt i dont care about anymore thats a therian?? like dude and you expect me to act normally the whole fucking day?? its like what

um so i gave him a huge apology since ive been distant recently but to be honest i think that wasnt good of me to do. like he was the one that did me wrong, that insulted me, that repeatedly made me uncomfortable, that bit me, that stole my phone and went through it, that lies to me constantly, that shit talked me infront of me, the list goes on, but somehow im the one who ended up apologising and its just so backwards. it happens so much that i end up apologising to people who fucked me over and i just dont know how to stop i just cant handle people hating me or ignoring me or just ugh.

anyways thats my dayyyyy :3 have a nice one by- AHHHHHH AGHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHELP ME HAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *drunken father beats me to a bloody pulp, laughing track plays*

also i was rlly stressed out about the whole kissing thing because idk what if i fuck up and so i asked him and be said like lemme put the screenshot. like soskiejsidhhuhhhhh

istg this cannot be platonic anymore istggggg

[yanderepuck]

I want to tell you guys a story about my ED.

I was fairly small all through school and college. I have an hourglass figure, which don't get me wrong I love it. Wide hips, small waist, large chest. And I mean large. At 14 I was a D cup, and by 18 when I graduated I was a DDD. But the rest of my body stayed the same. My measurements were roughly 44-32-44 (bust-waist-hip; inches).

Amazing hourglass figure honestly. But I still wasn't considered attractive. I wasn't the "cute by crazy" girl. Just crazy (because I like anime and sorta dressed goth). It didn't necessarily bother me. But I think in the long run it's affected me. I've never been. Considered attractive. I was 5'2" and about 135 lbs with those measurements, maybe slightly smaller.

And because all my friends are around me getting into relationships or have guys interested in them I sorta thought something was wrong with me. I thought I was fat. Doctors told me to lose weight at 14.

Now I had no clue what anorexia was or eating disorders. It's 2012 mind you. But due to my daily schedule I was able to get away with eating maybe once a day. I didn't eat breakfast, never did. I'd eat lunch at school bc I packed a lunch, and a good amount of time I didn't eat dinner unless if my mom made something I loved. So for 4-5 years all I was eating was my lunch around 11am every day.

I never thought much of it until summers would come and I would go 3 days without eating. The 4th day I ate a sandwich, and then the cycle continued. I still barely thought of it.

Went to college in 2016 and that's when I sorta started to realize what I was doing. It's not that I didn't eat to feel skinny or anything, I just never felt hungry. But I slowly started to eat more. I went to an art school. We're all weirdos, but still no one ever had an interest in me, and I'm still trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I started being more feminine. Wearing more fitted clothing. Got into make up.

Slowly started to eat more too. No issues. Then I started to realize that I thought food was a waste. I ate it because I had to, and now I'm actually starting to enjoy it. But in 2017 I'm finally convinced to start taking medication for my anxiety and depression. Try different combinations of medications until something works. End up in the hospital in 2019. Get put on new medications and I take them. That's that.

It's now summer of 2021. I'm trying to go out with friends and none of my summer clothes fit. Nothing about my daily life has changed. I work a desk job now so I'm not moving around as much, but I'm still moving and lifting stuff in the warehouse a lot. But what happened? In not even 2 years my medication caused me to go from 135 lbs to 205lbs. My measurements are now 48-46-48 roughly. I have such a gut that so much of what I have doesn't fit. I'm a 38H in my bra size.

Before I realized it was my medication doing this I went to the gym everyday for two months. I damn well know there's no improvement after a week or two, not for someone like me who is still fairly small. Two months of working out, lifting weights running for an hour everyday? 0 improvement. The only thing that happened was that I maintained the same weight rather than increasing it.

After that I lost motivation. How tf am I going to lose enough weight to feel comfortable with myself if even after 2 months nothing happened. So I stopped the dedication of going that often.

Then I got the idea that it was my medication and I went off of it. I went off of it, I started making sure I ate less, I was making myself throw up. By that time though I didn't really go to the gym. I lost hope that even though i took out the factor that was making me gain weight.

February 2022. I'm in Europe. I'm walking everyday but still only eating one meal a day. One meal around 3 pm and I'm good until the next day. A month and a half of that and I lost 10 lbs. Yes all that walking helped but the quality of food does too.

It's now May 2022 and after losing those 10 lbs I feel a little more hopeful that I actually can lose weight and be comfortable with myself finally. My issue now? Finding the time to work out. Finding the motivation to tell myself to do it.

I work 9-7 doing alterations. I'm sitting most of the day. But it's a consistent schedule I can work with that. Oh but I don't pass any cheap gyms on my way to work.

Getting up early to do it at home? I don't have the self discipline anymore to do that, but I'm going to try.

I'm okay with my thighs being as big as they are, I'm okay if I don't lose all the weight in my arms, or even getting my waist back down to 32(tho 34, would be nice) I'm mainly worried about this goddamn belly pouch.

I KNOW. It'll never be flat. That's not what I'm wanting. I have realistic expectations. Half the size it is now would be great. Losing weight in my face would be great.

Rather than going into exercising full and doing the most, I'm starting out small. Do one thing consistently before adding something else to it.

I don't eat while I'm at work. Maybe I have a waffle before I leave, but in reality I only eat between the hours of 7:30pm and whenever the hell I fall asleep. I drink a lot of water and tea.

I just want to feel good about myself for once in my damn life

[insane-enby]

i need some help or advice or please someone respond to this and help me

so um, this is hard, and im kinda just gonna rant. idk if anybody's gonna even see this, probably not, i doubt ill have any responses, but i really just need to talk about it somewhere.

so im pretty sure i have ocd. ive looked up the symptoms more times than i can count and i relate to and have pretty much all of them. it's definitely not as bad as it could be, it could definitely be much much worse and ik people who have it a lot worse so i usually feel really bad if i ever think it's hard to deal with.

the only people that know is my girlfriend, another person at my school that's mentioned they have ocd, and someone who's just really easy to talk to.

i dont have a therapist or anything, and i dont want to go to my parents because even if they do go to get me tested im worried i dont actually have ocd and im just being dramatic and everybody does what i do and then they wont trust me or believe me anymore.

plus..... part of me kind of hopes i have ocd in some ways because if i dont have ocd then that could mean im just crazy or insane or a psychopath or something and that terrifies me, because even my girlfriend who i'd trust with my life barely knows anything about my possible ocd, only the things she's noticed on her own. and i know if i did tell her some of the things, not even everything, she would think im a psychopath or something.

see when i was looking up stuff about ocd i stumbled across "harm ocd" and that's basically where you have these unwanted thoughts that... i dont wanna say drift because, for me at least, it's more like drill into your brain......... and they're these horrible thoughts that are usually terrifying, and basically it's where you excessively worrya bout acting on them so you do things to make sure you dont like avoiding knives or cars or alchohol or something....... when i was reading about it some of the examples it gave were the fear that you would rape someone, or murder someone close to you, and stuff like that. and it's not like you WANT to, and it's not like i ever WOULD, but it's the fact that the thought is THERE, and that it COULD happen, the fact that there's nothing stopping you from actually doing it............. it's terrifying.

so if i dont have ocd, and still have those thoughts, than that would just make me a psychopath, right? because i know for a fact that normal people dont have those thoughts. and i dont wanna be a psychopath i dont want to act on those thoughts, and im terrified i will, and at least if i have ocd i know that the ocd is why i have those thoughts, and it's not me being....... a psychopath i guess.

im sorry this one so long, i doubt anybody read to the end, much less is going to respond and help me. but if by some miracle you DID read this far........ if you know anything about ocd or have any ideas on how to help me........ please help me, please?

-Aliks || she/they

[sadhaa]

another THOUGHT

Cause istg i am on a role rn. If anyone has the time and writing ability to write these ideas GO DO IT. I enable you. 

OK THOUGHT: The Dark Tower - The Hollow Queen and With All My Heart storylines but change it up a bit. The Dark Tower, The Hollow Queen The Hollow Warlock and With All My Heart

Like what if instead of Gwen, Merlin got kidnapped?

Note: I do realize after my last post that I am making some eps more Merlin-centric and that’s bc i feel like if this happened we would get more character development. just a thought. 

Note again: you can interpret this as platonic or romantic i dont really care but bc im a big rom merthur shipper, im taking this in the romantic interpretation

Note again again: can people comment like if they like ideas like this cause im down to have more thoughts. like this is fun. i feel great. 

Ok as always background:

1. Gwen is Queen, Camelot needs a queen so she is queen, but she is not married to Arthur, she is married to Lance (they did him so dirty in the show)

2. Arthur has feelings but he doesn’t really know that he has feelings. like he gets a fluttery feeling whenever Merlin smiles but just chalks it up to heart burn. 

3. Morgana knows who Emrys is. Cause if she is the High Priestess, im gonna assume she knows about the crystal cave and asked it “crytal crystal in the ground, who the hell is emrys?” and it just showed a pic of merlin and she was like “aww hell nah”

ok on to thought-->

So Morgana finds out about Merlin and his magic and is pissed. She plots to torture him for the pain he has caused her. she also remembered what Agravaine (ew) told her when he was helping her, that Arthur had the knights comb the forests in search of Merlin, ultimately going himself to save Merlin. also if she can get Emrys to her side, then maybe all of the magic population would side with her and help takeover Camelot. So she plans to kidnap him and take him to the dark tower.

so cue that scene with all the knights and Gwen but this time with Merlin too bc Gwen misses him and wants to chat like old times. 

BAM MORGANA 

now some of the knights get bitten and gwen gets knocked unconcious but Merlin tries to stand up to her, but she subdues him quick bc we need that for plot. 

the remaining knights go back to Arthur, commence angst bc oh no Merlin. 

Arthur remembers the fear he felt the last time Merlin was kidnapped by the men but doesn’t know that Merlin was kidnapped by Morgana then too. Either way, he needs to get his bff/love back.

Merlin faces the same hallucinations but its everyone reacting badly when they find out about his magic

Leon - “YOU BETRAYED YOUR FRIENDS AND ARTHUR, HOW COULD YOU”

Gwaine - “YOU LIED TO ME WHEN I TOLD YOU ABOUT MYSELF, I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS” (not super strong ik, if someone has a better one...)

Elyan and Gwen - “MAGIC KILLED OUR FATHER AND NOW WE WILL GET OUR REVENGE”

Percival - “MAGIC (CENRED) KILLED MY FAMILY NOW I WILL KILL YOU”

Lancelot - “YOU LIED AND GOT ME BANISHED, YOU SAID YOU WOULD HELP ME MERLIN” 

and then Arthur’s would hurt the most “YOU LIED TO ME ALL THESE YEARS I TRUSTED YOU YOU KILLED MY FATHER YOU COULD HAVE SAVED MORGANA YOU ALMOST GOT GAIUS KILLED YOU MONSTER...”

the “monster” part would kill him inside and is thus the breaking point for him where he falls into Morgana’s curse.

Now commence the rest of the episode Dark Tower, the same way except that the weird fairy actually helps the rescue party bc she believes that Merlin is good and that they all need him and Elyan doesn’t die bc my boi deserves better than that too. 

They get him back and he seems fine. But he really isnt

I dont have any real ideas for the Hollow Warlock its just a cool title I thought. The main pivotal part should be Merlin meeting with Morgana and monologuing about living in Camelot scared and saving Arthur and not being seen which makes the viewers see a side of Merlin that is not seen often. almost like a Dark!Merlin AU. 

Ok, now to With All My Heart. All the knights, Arthur and Gwen notice Merlin acting odd. So they follow him and notice him consorting with Morgana. Arthur is crushed bc the one person, his other half, who he knew would never betray him has now gone and done this. When they speak with Gaius and he tells them that Merlin has fallen to Morgana’s will, then they all are relieved bc that means that Merlin doesn’t actually want to betray Arthur. Arthur is now more determined than ever to get him back. So cue funny scene with a dinner with knights, arthur, gwen and gaius. even mordred.

BAM merlin unconscious and ready to be saved!

Now adventure! Quest! Drama! Angst! 

On a night where they have to stop to rest and merlin is still conked out, they swap stories of M’s heroic deeds and funny moments. they plan to tell him all of this when he wakes up cause that boy doesn’t get enough praise.

Now they are at the fancy lake (im a little lazy to figure out the name) the only downside to my idea is that there can’t be a Dolma. or maybe there is a Dolma! that isnt merlin in disguise. 

Merlin wakes up and like how Gwen went on a mad tirade for a sec, he goes on for a whole 10 mins and inadvertently reveals his magic. He vents it all out in an anger infused rant and talks about how he wants to be loved and seen and is crying as well as shouting. Everyone is horrified and Arthur feels guilty and betrayed. Percival knocks him out so that they can talk about this. They spend the night there and decide to wait til the morning to decide to help M or not (basically they all would save M they jus dont know if A would save him or not [even though they all know he would]).

Arthur sleeps and ,through Kilgarrah’s (is that how you spell it?) creepy ass voodoo magic, sees a life without Merlin in it. He wakes up with a shout and realizes. That. was. a Nightmare. a life without Merlin was literally a nightmare. He thinks back to the rant and knows that even though Merlin was scared and did things selflessly, he meant no harm to camelot and did it all out of Love. Bc he loved Arthur. Arthur then has an epiphany and realizes his “heart burn” is emotions. yike. And with that Arthur decides to help M. 

They get him to the lake and its basically a repeat of the day before with the screaming and shouting. But this time, Morgana’s men have arrived. With Morgana. cause drama.

Now the knights and gwen grab their swords and make a wall while M and A stay behind. Arthur tries to get through to Merlin and says “I am sorry with all my heart” and Merlin hesitates. 

Then a few of the evil dudes get through the wall and advance towards Arthur and Merlin. Arthur steps forward to fight and Merlin watches and realizes that Arthur would fight for him, would die for him just as Merlin had vowed to do. this man was worth it and that he knew that with all his heart. 

Merlin walks into the lake, glows a little and walks out normal. he like slow walks past the wall and uses his magic in a super badass way and just scares Morgana bc of how powerful she is. she yeets herself out of there and everyone hugs merlin and they tell him how much they all love him. Arthur in particular just kisses him right there and then, all adrenaline and happiness.  

On the way home, he tells the stories of all the times he used magic. they realize that even though he was under Morgana’s will, this is still what he felt, the fear, the anxiety, the pain. Arthur goes back and repeals the ban and makes Merlin his consort. prob some nice angst with requited love. 

the end.

someone write this pls. i have these thoughts at 11:23 pm and dont have the motivation to actually write something like this. 

[byunbaekby]

responding to feedback

a couple days ago, i posted a google form asking for some feedback on my social media au, apartment b23, and wanted to reply to some of the responses i received. these aren’t all of them, but just ones i wanted to respond to!

1. how do you like the story so far?

thank god no one picked yellow or green DJSDJ but i think you’re just all very nice ,,,,

2. when reading social media aus, what do you prefer?

based on these responses and where i want to go with the storyline, i’ll likely be adding some writing in upcoming chapters! it seems half of you are okay with that but others said that they would still read it if i added writing, so i will try to keep the writing to a minimum :)

3. what do you want to see more of? (ie. jeno x reader interactions, apartment b23 gang interactions, haechan, interactions with lia, drama, comedy, etc)

HAECHAN!! HAECHAN HAECHAN HAECHAN. Jeno kind of annoys me ngl :/ ik he’s the main character but damn, he really needs to up his game. for now we supporting yn x haechan.

LOLOL this is so funny because there were so many people supporting haechan,,, all of y’all love him. i mean, i do too but there’s a reason norenmin don’t hang out with him anymore 👀

ok tbh i really wanna see norenmin x hyuck and find out the tea,,,, hehe but let's also get this love triangle bread because we LOVE TO SEE THAT and also reader and lia interactions because lia best girl

speaking of the TEA there’s lots and i’m ready to spill it eventually hhhh. some people said they have an idea of what it might be, so i’d love to hear your theories as to why 00 line have broken up </3 and YES LIA best girl, get you a friend who wakes up at 3am to hear you rant

funny stuff,,, i guess?? and also reader bonding with rj and jaemin

i’m sorry, i’m not funny djdjsj 😭 the amount of times i’ve messaged mutuals like,,, “hey is this funny” AHAH i try

i want to see more of the little things that shine thru a character. you’re a really good author though that aspect (and most aspects) but i feel like the social media au part is slowing it down (like only showing one side of a character making it seem a bit boring when i know this storyline has it in for my little, mushy heart). a quick lil under 1k (or 1k) will help show the fluidity the characters have within themselves through its further description (or maybe a secret spam account that opens up on their feelings on the same feed 👀). this might also show some unpredictable things that you wouldn’t normally thing would fit into their character trope

this was actually really insightful for me! i get how a character can feel redundant so i definitely want to explore more of each characters’ background and personality. thank you for this! i actually considered a spam account for y/n but i’m scared for her because the amount of times i’ve posted accidentally on my main rather than my spam,,, embarrassing

4. any additional feedback? suggestions?

idk i guess...a bit more detail? like we barely know anything about the friendship dynamics of the characters and ik the rest of the boys are side characters but it would be nice to see casual conversations btw them. or then randomly tweeting @ each other. just to make it seem more real yknow? sure the story is centered around jeno and y/n but that doesn’t mean other characters should be ignored 🥺🥺 add more tiny details!! it’ll help bring your au to life.

ahhh yes i totally get this! i do really hope to expand more on the characters and their friendships, and once we get past the issue of y/n moving back in it’ll definitely be more prevalent, the way that all 4 of them (+ haechan) interact.

lol make this a hyuck x y/n fic and leave all of us dumbfounded pls 😔💞

you’re not the only person who said this AHAHA it’s so funny.  y’all: wanting hyuck instead of jeno me, knowing what happens: 👁👄👁 

yes queen you go i love you mwah take your time with updating! please don't stress yourself and i, as well as all your readers with not just apartment b23, wanna see you happy, healthy, and stress-free! <3333

aww thank you this is really sweet! i’ve been disappointed with myself because i have been falling behind, originally i had the first ten chapters queued and ready to go so i have to work on building up the next few chapters to stay ahead <33

Apartment B23 is one of the best smaus I've read and it's not even completed. I really look forward to reading more hehe <3

hhh thank you so much omg this is my first time doing an SMAU sooo i don’t think i’m that great but i’m honored 🥺

Some chapters are pretty short ik your very busy and pls dont overwork yourself just snth I noticed Love you 🥰

yeah, this is because of how i like my chapters formatted, there needs to be either 6 or 9 pictures happening and i don’t want to start something that can’t be finished or understood within a short amount of time! for example in chapter thirteen i wanted to include a part of y/n talking to renmin but i didn’t think i could fit it into only three pictures! but thank you hhh i’m trying to not overwork myself aha. love you too!

Hmm. Maybe Jeno being more lenient on his rules?

i mean, he kinda has to now unless he wants another issue to go down ,, then we will all beat him up AHA

I really love ur work!! please continue on writing!!goodluck on ur future stories!!mwah💞😽

this is really sweet, thank you! and thank you to everyone who has read and supported so far, and especially to anyone and everyone who partook in this survey. thank you! it’s really opened my eyes and given me insight on what the readers want to see, so i will definitely take those things into consideration <3

[matronaa]

Jungkook “fuckboy?” drabble

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader

Word count: 1,637

Genre: Fluff/mentions of smut?

Okay look its about 1 in the morning while im writing this and i just got done literally scrolling thru @jungshookz  e n t i r e page and honestly ive been delusionally laughing over her stories for like an hour and a half like the tattooartist!jungkook fic legit killed me i love it  and i’m probably going to force my friend to check her out because legit i love it so much and she seems like such a funny person and if she sees this 1) ily and ur writing and i wanna be friends but idk how to start a conversation because im a awKwARd bEan and 2) im sorry for probably spamming ur notifications with likes okay i couldnt help it so now im inspired for the first time in a while to write but im way to loopy to put together an actual fic so enjoy this ig

Okay i should stop rambling (okay just note that im so sleep deprived that i had to google ‘words for excessive talking’ to remember the word rambling because im an idiot and i cant think and ooo its 1:11 am rn make a wish b*tches)

Okay im sorry ill begin~

A/n all of this is completely unedited and if bad grammar annoys you srry not srry

Lets talk about what fuckboy!jungkook is oki

I feel like in reality there are just a bunch of rumors about him but hes so smol and hes the quiet type so he doesnt have the energy to dismiss them

Like im sorry soft jungkook is way to good in my mind rn okay #cuddles4days im not in the mood for him to strangle me with his amazing biceps

Anyway

you never rlly met him in the 4 years of going to the same highschool as him (since you’re in those smart people classes like humanities) until senior year

You and him had the same AP Lit. class lmao english class is  l i t

Which surprised you bc of the rumors like i thought he was a badboy ?? arent those normally idiots ??

Nah my bby is a smart nugget, he just likes to look hella bf 25/8

First day of school cliche where you show up late to class and have to sit next to him because i  d i e  for those plots okay

But you dont know thats him because you’ve never seen him, so you’re confused on why most of the girls keep glaring at you

But soon enough you catch on and you’re like fml

And then the professor is like “where you are sitting is your assigned seating for the rest of the year” and you’re like f m L

He ends up introducing himself to you because i mean like table buddies

But hes really nervous because hes a cute little bean and you’re hella cute cuz lets be honest ur probably wearing like basic black leggings and a hoodie with your hood over your head to hide the bed hair you didnt feel like brushing that morning

Oh, just me? Okay…

He likes ur name because it rolls off the tongue and he thinks it suits you even tho he doesnt know you

Yet ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

You dont really think hes a fuckboy because he seems so nice and he has the cutest lil bunny smile sEE

That is until after school u end up getting to ur locker late because u left something in one of your classes

And u see him pinning a girl against the lockers down the hall

And ur like well shit nvm

And u quickly get ur shit and go because das  a w k w a r d

But then he sees u run off and hes like awh crap i dun fucked up

A few weeks go by and u notice he barely really comes to class so u usually sit alone

On days he does come his chair seems extra close to yours and he’s basically smothering you

But u dont mind because he smells nice

And on the days he does come you get kinda excited because

1) you get a partner who doesnt expect you to do all of the work

2) this boy cute when he gets all intelligent

Ur  like “yes pls continue speaking about the essay we are writing that i have no idea is on because i kept getting lost in the sound of ur voice”

He notices when u zone out because you start staring at his lips when hes talking and he thinks its the cutest thing

One day u get assigned a week long project and ur close enough friends with jungkook to basically scold and force him to come to class all week

But only if he can force u to come to his house to work on it after school

Which you’re low key nervous of because ur going to a ‘fuckboy’s house’ by yourself

And u dont wanna do the dirty because ur a pure child haha not for long

But you agree anyway

And honestly even after the project is done (which you got an A on) you continue going over to his house because his bed is comfortable and he always has snacks

And his mom loves you

Like legit on days you dont go the next day you do she’s like “wheRE WERE YOU”

When the semester is over the professor lets you pick seats but you both enjoy each other’s company so you stay seated together.

finally ur at his house one day and ur just laying on his bed scrolling thru insta and he’s sitting on his bean bag in the corner on his phone and u look up at him and realise

Shit

You like him

Like a lot

And u mentally face palm because this was not supposed to happen

But it happened and you’re too far down the hole to climb out

Sometimes u end up napping at his house after school because his bed is more comfortable than yours and one friday night u wake up in his arms

And its like the best feeling ever

Its so warm and hes so cuddly hes like latched onto you

You stay under the warm blankets before you question when he even got in bed since he was playing video games before you fell asleep

And then his phone lights up and ofc you check it for him bc ur a nosey bitch

But not before you observed how adorable he was while he was sleeping

Nope not creepy at all

its his friend tae texting him (you didn’t really know his friends since you had different friend groups)

You check it and its smth like “stop staring at y/n while shes sleeping and reply u creep”

And you’re like w a t

So you scroll up and see that while u were sleeping jungkook went on a full rant on how cute u are and how whipped he is

And ur like holy fadoodles dis boy likes me

And so u decided to text tae like “this is y/n, does he actually like me”

Which turns into you both having a convo on how thirsty jungkook is until he wakes up

Hes like wtf r u doing and he snatches the phone and reads through your messages with tae while u like sit up to stare at him

And he’s still half asleep so it takes him to realise whats going on

“Omfg y/n i can explain-”

He starts rambling about how long he had been crushing on u and that he didn’t want to tell you because you seemed uninterested so he kept it a secret and never told anyone

And honestly he was freaking out because the onE tiMe he tells anyone that he likes you, you find out

But while he’s rambling you’re coming up with an excuse to text your mom that you’re spending the night at his house, so you just say he’s not feeling well and his parents are gone for the weekend.

Lmao she doesnt care she’s just like “lmao ik ur lying but have fun dont get pregnant”

Or Maybe thats just my mom idk

You have to shut him up by snatching his phone out of his hands and kissing him

When you pull away you’re just like “you talk too much lmao”

You explain to him that you like him too and u just get under the covers again and snuggle up next to him, and he wraps his arms around you

And you stay like that for a while before hes like “its late you should get home”

And you tell him you’re staying the night whether he likes it or not

And he is so down for that

But then you end up just spending the weekend there because why not his parents love you

And every night is just filled with cuddling, watching netflix, making out, late night snacks, etc.

Saturday night he gets a lil touchy and soon enough ur like straddling him and grinding your hips against his

But then he’s like “Ive never done this before” and you c o m b u s t

Ur like aren’t you like the school fuckboy how have you not done this

And he tells you its all just rumors and hes too lazy to set the record straight

And you basically decide to take things slow that night since it was you’re first time too and honestly it was so cute

It wasn’t really steamy rough sex it was more soft fluffy love making that is filled with giggling and exploring and appreciating each other

That was definitely the night you fell in love with him

Which is big because you thought love was gross

The next day you’re cuddling and he’s like “you know ur my gf now”

And ur like duh

You start going on cute dates after that like going to cafes or amusement parks

He loved taking you to the beach during the summer because u looked gr8 in a bikini

You found out you were going to the same college with was fantastic, so you decided to rent an apartment together nearby the campus instead of living in a dorm.

Which normally you’d be against because moving in together so quickly ?? but you felt different like this relationship was going to last

UNTIL HE CHEATED

Lmao jk gotcha bitch

My baby is too pure and innocent to cheat

Well innocent until you both get into bed and then oh lord it gets steamy

He wants to experiment with like e v e r y t h i n g and honestly you were down

But ofc you set some boundaries.

There were lines he couldn’t cross

I mean sometimes he tried but you shut that down real quick

Overall your relationship was perfect and you couldn’t ask for a better boyfriend

I mean he brought you pizza rolls and dr pepper to ‘study dates’ how could you not love him.

Oml it took me over an hour to write this its like 2:30 am why am i awake anyway imma go to bed now, idk ur name jungshookz but pls write more fanfics i need more to read late at night okay gnite

[princephil]

hey tysm for the last post i sent u msjdjfnfndj but like cn i rant again h so its abt ny relatiobship,,, ok so ik y gf loves me n all and i love her but i dont thibk i wna date anynire byt i stull want to be friends byt i thought i liked her like that but after a while ive started to not feel like it as much and when shes away i feel sorta more relaxed ?? idk but i kinda feel like im doing this more for her than ne and i dont thinj i cant deal with an online relatiobship ?? i sant an irl +

+ i want an irl relatiobship and i want to be frienda again like how we were b4 bc it was chill and she us so hopefil for everything and she wants to meet irl lije soon bht ive only told 2 people about her an its jot even my best friend and i am so bad ay commitment ,,, i feel v bad and i dont know how to word this but i dont know !!!!!!! i dont want anything to ve awkward and i wany to be friends still and be able to sc and styff but liek shes also extremely sensitive and i dony want to hurt ++ her and idk what to so bc sometimss i want to have a relagionship and sometimes i dont wany to and idk . i have more to say but i have no ifea how to word this im si sorry -💕

hey!!  first of all, it’s completely valid and normal for you to feel like this. I had the same thing happen to me in a relationship (except not long distance) and you just gotta listen to and trust your feelings. The best thing you can do is tell her exactly what you told me (about how you want to be friends and commitment and long distance is hard for you and) as soon as possible because waiting too long might make things worse! Let her know that there’s no rush for her to talk to you and be your friend again and give her time and space. It’s normal if she’s not ready to be friends just yet and honestly, she might not want to for a while. Giving her space (unless she doesn’t actually want it) is the best way for her to heal. Good luck and I hope everything goes well

[heavyyhearts-blog]

actually heres my side

“ first, before getting to real stuff, aya has done this to other people in the past too. when she talked about them to me she said they abused her or abandoned her suddenly. i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off. i don’t have permission to post these logs so out of respect i won’t put them here. “

ive never been very clear in talking about my past experiences with most people. you make this sound as if every person that's ever "abandoned me" were all "abused" by me, when that's not the case. have i acted in shitty ways to some people? yes, but it never had anything to do with me being abandoned, at any point. one of these people, actually straight up disappeared from my life, and i have no idea why. they disappeared off skype and i havent seen them since. we had no problems between eachother whatsoever. a different example i can think of for someone i was talking about? they left because i was too stressful to be around. as in, i always complained too much and that kind of thing and it was too much to be around. i didnt even know them very long.  another example of a person i mentioned with that: they had really bad schizophrenia and like, trauma issues, and what happened there? they'd randomly like? actually start basically splitting on me and getting extremely angry at me out of nowhere for no reason, which i tried to be really tolerable of, until things basically got too much for either of us to handle and after a bit of dumb drama, we separated with , i believe, no hard feelings.

my point being? when i say "ive been abandoned by a lot of people" or whatever, im not literally claiming that i was abused by literally everyone and im some huge victim, lol. that last example? you could probably say i was abused due to the level of pent up anger they were throwing at me, , unprovoked

“ i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off “

first of all, this happened literal years ago. second of all, this person is still full of shit and i can't believe they still insist all of these bullshit lies. "aya stalked me" i hadnt visited your blog for months, i'd literally forgotten about you, yet you somehow still had it set in your head that i was "stalking" you. i wanted to remake my blog for a multitude of reasons, and one of them being, a more back of my mind thing, was, i didnt want you viewing my blog. so i remade. and, like, 2-3 days later, i got paranoid that you had somehow found my new blog, entirely new, so i asked my friend to go see if my new url was on there, because i didnt want to go back on your blog myself. and sure enough, there it was, my new url, even though i hadn't given it out to anyone or posted it anywhere, meaning you literally searched through notes of a post or something along those lines to find it. yeah ive explained this so many times now its fun :) not to mention your shitty friend(s) that would constantly twist my words around and lie saying i was doingthings that i didnt. and your only "proof" was logs of talking shit about me behind my back to one of my friends, you had no screenshots of me doing anything, because guess what, i never did it. wow. "i dont have screenshots because i deleted them all" okay bud. anyway

and now here's my main issue with everything: you are "calling me out" for things we have already personally talked about, that we either resolved, or i apologized for/said that i would try to stop doing so i can better myself which i have actually done? so i literally do not understand why youre calling me out for shit as if im some malicious person trying to hurt people that's just completely incapable of getting better or whatever. lets start

“i’ve tried to cut her off several times, both by trying to talk and express my want to stop talking to her first and by just blocking/ignoring her on everything. i made it clear i wanted to stop talking the first couple of times. she will spam and beg me and make new accounts if she has to. once ive added her back however she’s used that against me”

okay youre calling me out for this but you admitted what you did was fucked up too? and i dont know what else to even say to this other than im going to try to stop getting so attached to people like that so i maybe dont have such bad mental breakdowns every time i thnk someone close to me is leaving like sorry i cant. help feeling that way or control this thing specifically unless i just dont get attached like that at all, which is my fault.

[x] [x] [x]

here, you post a completely out of context rant from me, where i got mad at something you did that you literally admitted was fucked up. full context!

[x] [x] [x] [x] [x]

you even told me you had no idea what you were talking about with any of it.

“ one of the times that we weren’t talking she DMd my twitter mutuals asking them to screenshot my recent tweets. “

i told you my reason for it. i was extremely paranoid that you were talking shit about me behind my back and i wanted to know if you were or not, even though i did it in a really shitty way. i instantly felt so beyond terrible that i had done that. i was sobbing the entire time i was trying to apologize for how fucked up and wrong it was of me to do that, and even apologized for it again later after it had happened already. because i wanted to make sure you knew how sorry i was for it. i cant take something like that back.

[x] [x]

“recently, after getting so upset with me for doing the same thing in the past, she randomly blocked me on everything and refused to talk to me. i would understand if she hadn’t previously gotten so mad and upset at me for the exact same thing. “

?? i split really bad just like i already have been, due to , as i've already exlpained, the nonstop bad things we've had between us for months, to the point i havent been able to talk to you like normal anymore, because just seeing you pisses me off and everything you say/do will just piss me off. i cant help that. its not my fault. i cant just not split like that because we've had fucked up problems for months, that, guess what, shouldnt even be public here for all reasons ive already stated! but i also did it just because ive been deciding i need to get away from you for good, that i dont WANT to talk to you at all anymore. sucks to be treated the way you treat others right.

“ i posted on my twitter saying i wanted to drink and she instantly messaged me begging and spamming me not to “

and everything else like stalling, pressuring you etc. this is still. we talked about this. i said sorry. i got better about it. why do i have a callout.

[x] [x]

like this is literally all just trying to make me look bad in ways that i'm not. nice try, though!

“ when i cc’d bakugou and she tried to make me explain my trauma to make it Valid “

you're trying to make me look bad again. i was just asking because i was anxious wanted to know the reasoning for it and im sorry for pressing it at all but that doesnt mean i was trying to make you explain it so it could be "valid" shut the fuck up lol i even explained to you afterwards why it made me so uncomfortable and that it didnt bother me anymore, that i thought you were just blindly cc'ing him for no real reason like i just assumed it wasnt a coping thing or anything and thats my fault but??? youre trying to make me look bad for it so??? i'd even keep sending you fanart of him like.

[x]

“ she was extremely dependent on me and would spam me if i fell asleep before she woke up, she’d got upset and started splitting on me because i didn’t return her feelings of attraction. “

wat...

“ second, she’s blaming everything on her BPD and “not being able to help it,” or “can’t control herself” “

well, as you can clearly see, ive been anything but that??? but if you wanna keep telling yourself that, go ahead. have i said things LIKE that before? yes, when i was freaking out, over certain things i actually can't help, for example: abandonment trauma??? and like i said before: i need to try to not get so attached to people in the first place so that doesnt happen anymore! otherwise, should some sort of situation like that happen again, i can't handle getting that level of upset. so i prevent that by not getting that level of attached at all. like sorry but theres certain things nobody can help, even you. you're just trying to make it sound like this entire thing has been nothing but "i cant help it"

and lastly, we can't forget the fact that, for a long time, you wouldn't tell me anything. literally anything. i would repeatedly ask you. "what do i do that bothers you what am i doing wrong" etc and all you'd ever say was "idk" 95% of the time. i had absolutely no idea that for the longest time, i had been saying a lot of manipulative, shitty things and acting bad and etc, slash i had no idea that some of my episodes were actually affecting you that badly until way too late.

when you first told me that i had been acting so shitty, through a jpeg meme that was making fun of me, did i realize how awful i was being. i honest to god never had any idea and i explained this to you countless times. that i was  oblivious/i can be oblivious to shitl ike that and that i need you to tell me, otherwise I WONT KNOW.

nice meme. :) but yeah clearly this is still an accurate representation of me, right?

[x] [x]

yeah, you got me though. im a toxic, abusive piece of shit that will never get better, all i do is hurt others, i can't change, ive never apologized, ive never gotten better. totally

and since we're playing this game,

and now that i've said all this, i have nothing else to say. i can't make anyone believe me, but if you do, thanks.

[loveyourselffirsttt95-blog]

i   n e e d   y o u

This wasn’t what I was going to originally post, but I figured to switch it up with a topic to discuss. The past couple relationships I’ve been in have ended, oddly with around the same reason. Lack of communication and “giving up” in a way. When you lack communication it can really bring on the “I’m so unwanted” feelings. 

My last relationship ended because I didn’t think we were compatible, and we weren’t clicking, and it felt like he didn’t care about me, or want me. The actual relationship was only 3 weeks. The whole thing was about 4 months in total. There was a lot of “All dressed up and no where to go” nights, a lot of crying because it drove me insane about how “IDK” or “You choose” he was.  Now I’m not good at deciding things either, but I don’t want to inconvenience someone to go out of their way when we hang out. Like once in a while is totally fine, but I wasn’t going to be like “Oh you’re across town, let’s meet” Like I’m more of what works for you? Where can we meet in the middle, so it’s not hurting both of us. But he was also very anti-social like didn’t wanna do a lot when it came to going out places. But the relationship wasn’t all that bad. I did have very good times with him as well. He was definitely more of a talker then putting things in action, and I do admit I think he was a slight rebound. We even were not really physical, he never tried to cop a feel or hold me reallyish if we made out, which didn’t last long. Which lead to me thinking he didn’t think I was pretty or skinny or attracted to me in that way. Which I know, relationships aren’t all about physical stuff, believe me, I get that. And actually we had ended up on that conversation of sex after we broke up, and I made a snide comment and he said “We never talked about it.” And I should’ve been honest with him and told him “I didn’t feel like you wanted me like that”. But I didn’t, and I think I should’ve, but I also didn’t really see me hopping in bed with him. XD But again if I was honest and talked about how I felt in that department more, things might have ended differently. And who knows, maybe well get back together in the future. Relationships are a learning experience. I sometimes wonder if he asked me out again would I say yes. And I think I would at first, but my gut would change my mind because of how miserable I would end up being. And it’s not his fault. He has growing up to do like me. Relationships take a lot of effort and time. If your heart isn’t in it, you aren’t going to want to do it.  And in the end I was really just over the same old crap all the time. So I reluctantly ended it. We are extremely lucky to still be friends and talk from time to time. So I’m thankful for that, because he is a good friend. 

This brings me to my relationship before that. This relationship was a 4/5 month relationship and it was a really really good relationship. I never felt like I couldn’t trust him. I was able to talk to him. I felt wanted and needed and loved. But there was something in my gut that held me back from meeting his parents. And I do regret not meeting them sooner. Even my Dad knew about him. So it wasn’t like I wasn’t serious, I was extremely serious about him. I think I was starting to love him in the end before it all went to shit. And I believe that’s what hurt the most about the breakup. It was an intense relationship in the most loving way, we were slightly obsessed with each other. And we did talk about certain serious things, which is why it baffles me why we broke up. He in a way built me up so high, and when we broke up, he threw a sledgehammer to my pedestal, and I don’t mean that in an egotistical way. I was genuinely feeling much better about myself. 

Now remember, I’m bipolar, so my “feelings” were a lot more intense then someone without, like him were. I don’t think I ever scared him away with how I felt. But I know that my low’s, were LOW. It was December of 2016 where I hit my low point, my low point to where I was smoking cigarettes after quitting and cutting again low. And we just kept fighting. I wanted to talk to him in person about things that were going on, and I didn’t want to talk about it over text. Sue me. And he was sick, and didn’t want too, which rationally I understand. But I wasn’t being rational. I was being extremely irrational and every time he said “IDK we’ll see” drove me nuts. It’s not like I asked for much, I wanted to just sit down and talk. No road trips or shopping or dinner. Just talk things out. And he couldn’t do it. So because I’m bipolar I had very unnecessary extreme reactions to this. Which at the time I didn’t see anything wrong in the way I acted, where as when I look back, I am so sorry for how unreasonable I was acting.  One of the things I wanted to talk to him about was my suspection of being bipolar and how I wanted to get diagnosed (Little did I know 5 months later I would be xD) It was a really hard time being the holidays and all anyway. I was so all over the place, I’m surprised I had friends in the New Year to be honest. 

((((Side story: in the midst of us fighting, I was willing to put our differences aside on Christmas Eve, and I said “if you wanted to see me I’m free no pressure.” And he said “ok” And so bc I didn’t want to fight with him, I didn’t respond, I just viewed the message, and figured he would get back to me. Which he never did, so I hung out with my best guy friend. And then he blows up at me for ignoring him all day, and not talking to him or seeing him.! LIKE YOU NEVER TALKED TO ME AGAIN AFTER OK WTF WAS I GONNA DO?!!!!!” That one was a real mind fuck. XD OH AND THEN HIM AND HIS BEST FRIEND DID A DRIVE BY MY HOUSE. LIKE IK YOUR CAR DONT LIE ABOUT IT. His excuse? “I wanted to make sure you were okay, you didn’t respond.” BECAUSE I WAS DRIVING MYSELF HOME. OMFG. Not to mention his BFF monopolized all his time in the end. Ok my rant is done. ))))

So in the New Year I went to his work because he refused to see me, and I ended things in the store. I said “I know you don’t want to see me, but I can’t do this anymore.” And I handed him his stuff, and he said “Really” And I think I said “Do you have any other way?” And he didn’t say anything, and so I walked away. It was an extremely hard break up, there was SO much crying. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about it now, because it was so messed up and I feel awful about it. There’s more things that happens like he went from “I’m so proud of how strong you are” to “I don’t want to work on anything” In a matter of days. And he said we never talked about anything serious in like a month or 2. Like I’m sorry not every time you need to talk about shit. Like it’s normally considered a healthy relationship when you aren’t fighting 24/7. And then he was all “We don’t need to see each other to talk. That’s not gonna help.” Like bitch yes it will just fucking see me for a fucking hour and talk. I worked my ass off in that relationship. (which is probably why I didn’t work as hard in my next.

The moral of this post, aside to rant, is to say these were 2 very different relationships. Ending in the same type of way. I just wanted to feel needed and wanted and loved. Which is not something you should ever fight for by the way. You should talk things out and fight for relationships when there’s something to fight for. When you keep ending up at dead ends, it’s unfortunetly a sign the damage can’t be repaired. And God I practically loved the Christmas guy. Would I date him again though? I haven’t seen him since the beginning of January. He erased me from his life. So probably not. But I will say one thing, I truly hope he’s happy and loves himself the way I almost loved him. 

Another quick note: don’t ever force yourself to see someone, or feel things like love towards them. It doesn’t happen. It either grows or it’s there from the start. You can’t force love. You can’t force being needed. That’s my lesson of the first half of 2017. XD Thanks for reading this all if you did. It felt really good to write even though it was really hard in parts. 

[yoonasgf]

171013- saturday a rant dnt bother reading

i feel like i wanna talk to someone but then i think about it and what am i even expecting ? whenever i say smth i regret it immediately so just thinking abt expressing whats bothering me to others i just know ill regret adn feel guilty and embarrassed about it later so i never talk to anyone abt anything that goes on in my mind and it gets to the point where its so over bearing i feel like its drowning my head somehow , im so.. lonely wld be the word but lonely in my thoughts but like that doesnt even make sense idk im just writing here bc i need to let my feelings out somehow and i’d usually do it on twitter but like the 140 characters thing anyway i just feel like i want to let things out but whenevr i do i never like the answer i get, like if they give me advice i feel annoyed cus i wasnt asking for help i was simply stating how i felt (and most of the time its stuff that cant really be fixed?), if they tell me stuff like “i love you !” its like ok? ik its mean but someone elses love does not affect my situation at all since its an inner issue that doest rly have to do with self-esteem, and if they just are like ‘yeah’ or ‘thats so bad:(’ ijust feel like theyre not paying attention (even if they are) which makes me regret opening up, so i dont really know what im expecting when i vent to someone i guess i just want to feel like someone is listening to me idk im like so full of thoughts and feelings. writing this feels like its calming me down a little bit so i think im just gonna keep writing, in english (its funny how id rather open up in english since its my second language i feel more alienated from it so it feels less real? what im talking about seems less seriousdk) so whats circling in my mind is that i dont have anyone im urging to meet i dont have anyone i truly like anymore and that my ladies is so fucking sad and frustrating that ive mentally grown apart from my friends im just not myself when im with them and sure my fake-extroverted persona ive built throughout highschool is good at doing her job and she still gets along with them so well but now it feels like that side of me, the fake one, is another person like we used to share some “mental common ground” but not anymore i just dont have anything in common with that persona anymore so whenever im with my old friends i just become her it’s like i completely leave reality it makesme so lonely inside. and i cant help it its unvoluntary how i switch places with the other me i cant stop it and i hate it because i feel like its drowning me alive, along with my personal issues. lately ive been isolating myself a lot, i stay in the classroom during recess and i havent gone out in like a month.actually last time i went out i decided i just wont go out anymore i just think its not for me i truly dont have fun. is that okay like is that normal? like is just dont enjoy the loudness and the kind of jokes that go on, i think if grown too fast. i justdont wannatalk about drinking andsex and how evil the math teacher is, like its fine once ia while but iwanna discuss science and philosohy and share thoughs too,  anything else is so irrelevant it’s so sos irrrelevant to me. not that i dont enjoy good laughs anddrinking, but for that i feel like i wanna be with someone who is special to me? like someone whoi respect intellectually first, and then we can laugh at dog memes. someone i can show my realpersona to,and the thing is i have my best friends she’s literally so perfect bc she’s smart but also silly so we can talk abt hitler but then we can talk abt that one episode of sponge bob ? but the thing is shes graduating this year, and she has like an almost boyfriend, so i decided i should start getting used to her not beingwith me, but thats way more lonely than i thought. the guy thing, it wasnt planned, and shes with her crush most of the time which i totally understand i watn them to be together and stuff but i dont have anyone else but her- that is the real me not the fake persona, the fake persona hasmany people- but i though “she deserves this” so decided to step back so they can concentrate on each other. she ofc wouldve never asked this of me, but it seems like it was the best, sometimes i feel like a huge burden to her. but now imrealizing how lonely it has made me, being with her is like letting go of a breath that ive been holding and im realizing how much i need her. so i thought of like ‘slipping’ back in but im faced with the fact that we will infact part ways when she graduates because we’re attending universities in different parts of the country so maybe i should be getting used to the solitude, until someone else comes. and someone else seems to be here, this one friend i have in my new class, but im so scared of opning up to her, im scared of her kindness to me. i always think “why is she so nice? why does she stand up for me” at first she wasa bit too rough for me but as we spent time together i think she realized what kind of person i am and changed her ways so now were getting closer and closer and it makes me so 불안해 and 두려워 (idk how to express the sentiment in english) i dont even know what im scared of, it;s not like ive been hurt before in that way i think? maybe i have i cant remember. the point is, i know i should let this person in because she’d help me but i just cant seem to opne the freaking door its like my hand is shakinly holding teh doorknob without actually twisting it. i do think i will eventually tho. anyway. i was saying i spend alot of time alone these days, reading,studying, twitter, watching stuff, and its really nice i really do enjoy being by myself but i honestly dont have manyb things to do? so eventually the Thoughts come, and lately what ive been meditating is how the reason why i dont get close or attached to people (again the fake me might get closed but not me) is because simply no one is as good company to me as myself? which is fine wyou know many people feel like that, but i hate that if im alone poeple thinkg i dont have friends or that im sad and they think its bad that i am alone which is really not the case. i could be with ppl if i wanted to i just chose not to. theres this particular guy in my class actually, who thinks he has to be my friends bcim often alone and it irriates me so much bc 1. hes interrumpting my enjoyable me-time 2. he does it out of pity and boi do i hate pity like sometimes i just stay in the classroom doing homework or reading and he comes in likw “why are u always alone:(” because i want to you fucking dumbass andtoday or maybe it was yesterday particularly he said “why are you always alone is it becayse you dont have freinds bc you went on exchange and dont know anyone” llike um no im alone because i literally want to be alone you absolute dipshit and ido have 10 times more friends than you i just dont feel like being wit hthem you fucking asshole it pissed me off so much as if he’s ?? helping in anyway ?? i just wish anyone whosaw me alone wld tjust think ‘i guess she likes being alone’ isntead of thinking that im alone bc no one is willing to keep me company. isuddenly got really mad writting this. i think this really calmed me downishould do it more often its not like anyone who follows me here wld open it, like ideally this is whatdiaries are for but i dnt like to waste paper. im gonna write the date as well 

[mistfvlly]

I can't help but feel so negative these days. I hate it so much. I can have a good time with my friend but I'll always feel so numb or down. You know I say 'these days' but I've been like this for so long... I only say 'these days' because since 2014 I tried to be more positive and it sorta worked but I'm always sad again. Its not like super obvious. I'm mot crying my eyes out. I just feel lost. Like I have no place. And I feel so ugly. I'm so fat. I can't have people looking at me. It's embarrassing. I can never walk around with one layer even if I'm warm. i have to always wear a jacket or something to cover me. Im so huge. Im dumb too. And i dont know what to do with my life. I want purpose.

Actually I feel like my one purpose might be activism, but i feel like i need to be somewhat confident for that. An activist needs to be seen to be heard, but im too ugly to be seen. I saw a post about someone who says they wish they never thought negatively over their appearance because it stopped them from doing things during their teens. The problem with me is that I know I'm stopping myself but I CANT HELP it. When i think of it this deeply, that's when i want to cry. But crying is for the weak.

Another random rant is about sex tbh. Really random ik but society makes it a norm. Everyone has sex. And i dont want it. I would never want it. But its normal to make fun of virgins. Nobody says anything directy to me. But in class i hear people making fun of them. Its like you're less of a person if you're a virgin. Or not even sex but just having a boyfriend or girlfriend. Or kissing someone. OR DRINKING AND SMOKING. Its all so dumb to me. Sometimes i think of smoking again (that sounds like i was a smoker, i wasn't), but i have asthma lol :))))) plus i dont want to damage my lungs. I want something to relax to.

The 17th of August has passed as well, it feels like I'm reliving my time in AD now. When i first moved back to England, I kept getting flashbacks. I'm starting to get them again. Im so homesick. Im always homesick. I cant move on but im forced to move on. Im scared. Im terrified. I dont want to live most of the time. But sometimes i do.. i want to see people go to mars ahaha. I want to see ai take over the world. I want something new. But im scared of it at the same time.

I want someone to talk to, but im afraid to as well.