#if you ignore the fact that the above scenario would literally never happen *cries*

[bright-side-of-the-moon]

things overheard in the apollo cabin part i

and sometimes the infirmary, ft. diana, hilal, a baby will, and more :)

diana: what's your biggest fear hilal: being forgotten. diana: damn that's deep diana: mine is the kool aid man but I feel kinda stupid about it now

diana: i just want you to compliment me 20/7 hilal, amused: why not 24/7? diana: snack breaks ;)

diana, petting abercrombie: If cats knew what sin is, they wouldn’t even care hilal: neither do i. fuck trigonometry.

micheal: what's up with di? shes been lying on the floor for like.. an hour now? will: shes just a little overwhelmed. micheal: what? why? will: hilal smiled at her.

nico: i can't believe all these people are dressed in black. all black was my thing, and now everyone's doing it to be "cool”. they're all posers. will: neeks, i cannot stress this enough. we are at a funeral.

hilal: ()() is not a palindrome but )(() is hilal: also hi lee: wait micheal: no its not, the first one is will: why are you lying to us lee: wait I need a second micheal: oh fuck will: oh jesus micheal: you're right lee: oh my god

will: *about to do something stupid* diana: will no will: will yes hilal: will no will: will maybe micheal: will no will: *sad face* will no

diana: hilal, you love me right? hilal: normally I would say yes with no hesitation but I have the feeling that you're up to something

will, peeling a banana: may i take your jacket sir? heheh nico: do you think other people can't hear you?

baby will: what happens when you die, hilal? hilal: you go to heaven, sweetheart. baby will: no, i mean like, when you die. does diana get all your stuff or….???

some camper: *says something rude about hilal esp. her hijab* diana: you talk a lot of shit for someone who's house is so flammable.

hilal: you got the stuff? diana: *opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings* hilal: the deal was 8 diana: i'm just the delivery guy *di's hat quacks softly*

diana: there's nothing worse than people using big words they don't understand hilal: i photosynthesize with this will: i chlorofeel you man

stolen (and slightly edited) from @incorrect-slytherin-quotes :D

they were supposed to enjoy the night, but hilal knows an alibi when she sees one

diana nico will hilal

[t0wnspersonb]

Sundays (Bakugou Katsuki x Reader)

Word Count: 2,444

Rated: Explicit 

Warnings: SMUT, language, quick mentions of spanking, Bakugou being a fucking shit as always, FLUFF

Summary: Being the wife of a pro hero meant that you and your husband barely got to see each other. So while the pro hero life was incredibly enticing to Bakugou, there was one thing that was above that; you. He would never voice it aloud, but the domesticated activities that came with a married life was something that he adored completely. But it was all because of you, any minute, any second that Bakugou got to spend with you, he would take. That’s why Sundays were his favorite days.  

~~~

I’m fucking soft🥺🥺🥺 I had so much fun writing this. I love the whole Bakugou as a husband scenario so that’s why all of my fics on him are about that lol. He’s literally my fucking man so like of course I have to write about him like this. I think he would be the biggest simp for his wife and it gives me all the feels. I hope you guys like it as much as I enjoyed writing it!:)

~~~

Bakugou’s eyes fluttered open, the soft glow of the sun peeked through the crack of the curtains, caressing his face gently.

 It was far too early to be up, especially on a day off. But that never stopped Bakugou, he always woke up early. A habit he had picked up when he was younger; but that was to train. So, while he did workout in the mornings now that he was an adult, it was mostly to get caught up on household chores that he couldn’t complete throughout the day or at night. 

 Being a hero was tough work, the days were long and endless, but it was worth it. The pride he felt at being one of the top heroes, the way people admired his strength, the fact that he was capable at protecting and saving others. It was all worth it.

 But this.

 This moment… was worth all of it.

 If the only way to keep you was to give up being a pro hero, he would. He knew that deep in his heart, although, he would never voice that aloud.

 His arms wrapped tightly around your sleeping figure tugging you closer to his body, you were warm and incredibly bare from last night’s rendezvous.

 It was heaven.

 Pure fucking heaven.

 He never wanted to leave. 

 He never wanted this moment to end.

 Sundays were his favorite days, and it was because of this. You both had Sundays off, and they were days that you both cherished the most, because those were the days that you got to be in each other’s company completely.

 It was routine for you. Saturday nights consisted of fervent lovemaking, almost as soon as Bakugou came through the door.

 Unspoken promises of love and devotion being said in that moment.

 Like clockwork, whenever Sunday mornings rolled around it always began like this exact moment.

 Bakugou pressed himself close your body, pressing gentle kisses against the exposed skin of your back and up to your neck.

 The gentle pressure of his plush lips stirred you awake, a soft noise escaping your lips as you arched against his strong muscular body in an attempt to stretch out your stiff limbs.

 “Hmmm. Morning.” you mumbled out, reaching behind you to press his head further into your neck, your fingers tangling into the soft blonde locks at the back of his head.

 “Morning.” He grumbled, biting down sharply at your flesh.

 A shock of pleasure jolted through your body, you arched further into him as you felt his growing member press into your skin.

 Bakugou pressed himself against you tightly, grinding his growing length against your bottom as he began leaving open mouth kisses against your soft skin.

 His mouth was incredibly hot and slick against your overheating skin, and memories of last night flashed behind your closed lids.

 “Please.” you whimpered out.

 He growled against your skin, and soon you found your left leg being hiked up a little, his strong fingers reaching down to the place you wanted him the most.

 There was still a mess between your legs from last night, both of you not even bothering to clean up afterwards, too exhausted to even move. But you were already soaking wet now at this point, much to Bakugou’s delight.

 A pleased noise escaping his mouth as he pressed his fingers against your weeping core. Something blunt presses against the apex of your thighs and - a loud moan escaped your lips.

 Bakugou buried himself deep inside your warmth, and while you had him last night, the stretch he provided you was always so intense.

 “You’re fucking soaked.” he groaned, burying his face against your shoulder blades. 

 Bakugou basked in the tight heat of your cunt, your velvety walls fluttering around his hardened length, drawing him in deeper. 

 No this was heaven; this was pure fucking heaven.

 He never thought he could love someone this much. But you… fuck, you were everything to him.

 After a couple of stilled moments, he began moving, setting a lazy pace as he thrusted into you. His movements were unhurried, unworried about anything other than this. 

 This was just part of the routine on Sundays. He was in no rush, he wanted to savor every moment of being buried deep inside of you. The feeling, the movement, the sweet sounds that you were crying out, the soft buildup of pleasure.

 While the lovemaking that you two shared did revolve mostly around raw passion, there were moments like this that also happened. It was a soft toe-curling pleasure, it left you breathless and dizzy.

 Or maybe it was the fact that it was Bakugou that left you breathless and dizzy, and aching for more.

 He groaned gentle praises against your overheated skin, his thrusts remained at that slow pace he had set before, but it felt like each movement resulted in him reaching a new depth within you.

 You could feel that delicate pressure in your lower stomach increasing, a soft crescendo of pleasure aching to be released.

 Bakugou must have sensed this, his hand that was gently tugging at your sensitive nipples lowered towards your swollen clit, his middle finger rubbing gently against the overstimulated nub.

 You were still incredibly sensitive from last night.

 “Let go.” he groaned, biting softly at your earlobe, and you did. You cried his name out as you unraveled, Bakugou following only seconds behind you. Your walls fluttering and gripping at him, milking him for all that he was worth as he spilled himself deep inside of you.

 Your eyes fluttered shut, sleep was once again gripping at the edges of your mind, urging you to fall back asleep.

 “You’re perfect.” He said breathless, his softening cock still inside of you.

 Sleep brought you guys back under once more. But it was fine, it didn’t matter, it was still early in the morning, and it was all routine.

 ***

 When Bakugou woke up once more, you were gone from the bed, much to his dislike.

 Grumbling softly to himself he found a part of sweats near the laundry basket and quickly threw them on before heading towards the kitchen.

 He paused for a moment, leaning against the doorframe as he watched you cook. You were wearing one of his shirts as you fluttered across the kitchen grabbing ingredients, humming softly to yourself, completely unaware of the tall man staring at you.

 The edge of the shirt lifted as you reached for seasoning on the top shelf, your ass was on full display for Bakugou’s greedy eyes. He smirked before walking towards you, carefully wrapping his large arms around your waist.

 “What are you doing?” he asked, peering down at the food cooking on the stove.

 “Making breakfast, duh.” You yelped as he pinched your ass hard, pushing him away to swat at him only for Bakugou to evade your advances easily.

 “Don’t be a fucking shit, you dumbass.” he huffed rolling his eyes at you before going to the fridge to get a water.

 “You weren’t saying that last night Kacchan.” you stuck your tongue out at him.

 “Huh?” his eyes narrowed as he reached for your face, pinching your cheeks harshly, ignoring the loud whine that bubbled from your stretched lips. “I told you not to fucking call me that anymore. You’re so fucking annoying you shit stain.”

 “Don’t call your wife that.” You pouted, rubbing your face when he finally let you go. 

 He rolled his eyes and pushed you out of the way from the stove, continuing the food that you were making. 

 “It’s my turn today.” he said gruffly, when he noticed your confused stare.

 A soft smile coated your lips and you wrapped your arms around his thick waist, pressing a soft kiss in the middle of his back. “I love you Katsuki.” you murmured warmly.

 You felt his body stiffen and then immediately relax. His large hand rested on yours, gently patting you. 

 “Whatever.” he mumbled. “Go set the table.”

 As careful and loving as he was in the bedroom, he was never the type of man that easily talked about his feelings. While you were the exception to some of that, he still had a challenging time whenever those four words were involved.

 But you knew that he loved you too, he wouldn’t have married you, or put up with you all of these years if he didn’t.

 Bakugou displayed his love for you in different kinds of ways.

 His constant nagging at you to be careful, his never-ending lectures on eating healthy and sleeping properly, the way he would always do laundry, the fact that he would clean up the house without a word from you, and of course, his soft touches despite his crude words.

 He was the man of your dreams, and he was all yours.

 Breakfast and the cleanup were done quickly and quietly, and you found yourself once again in his arms.

 “We need to go shopping today.” He breathed out against your skin, his mouth once again leaving hungry kisses at the base of your throat.

 Arousal once again spiked in your very being as he grinded his erect member against your lower half once again. His large hand was gripping your ass, kneading, and pulling at the soft flesh.

 “We should - ahh - get ready then.” You whimpered out, eyes fluttering shut as he bit down on your throat.

 Bakugou was insatiable on Sundays. They always consisted of household chores, and as much lovemaking as possible throughout the day. Just another way that Bakugou displayed his love and affection towards you, he was a man of action not words.

 After the ‘shower’ Bakugou found himself watching you as you got ready for the store, the love bites he left scattered across your beautiful body stood out proudly against your skin. Pride swelled in his chest at the mere sight of you.

 Fuck, how were you so pretty? How did a woman like you end up with someone like him?

 These were questions he asked himself all the time, but he never sought out answers, he didn’t fucking care. As long as you continued to be his, nothing else mattered.

 So, when other men ogled at you at the grocery store, he couldn’t help but get pissed. Of course, it didn’t help that you wore a summer dress that hugged your body perfectly, and he knew that you were incredibly bare underneath it, your way of teasing him further. The thought of putting you over his knee and whacking your ass until it was red was entirely pleasing to him.

 Maybe after you guys finished shopping.

 “Stop putting that sugary shit in the cart, we don’t need that in the house.” He grumbled, grabbing the cereal box out of the cart to put back.

 You pouted at him. “Katsu please? Just this once.” 

 His eyebrow twitched at the sweet innocent look you were giving him; he knew you were far from it though.

 “No.”

 “You don’t love me anymore.” You sniffed, further pouting like a child.

 He rolled his eyes once more and pinched your cheek for the second time today. “Don’t be a fucking brat.” regardless of his words, he all but threw the box of cereal back into the cart, stuffing his hands into his pocket as he stalked off to find the other stuff on the list.

 “I love you Katsu!” You called after him, giggling in triumph.

 He rolled his eyes, but a small smirk made his way onto his lips as he continued towards the produce.

 But when he came back holding the bags of onions and garlic, his blood was boiling. You looked entirely uncomfortable as you shuffled away from the man that was all but trapping you against your cart, obviously hitting on you.

 “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” He hissed angrily, throwing the produce into the cart, and yanking the man away from you by his collar.

 Bakugou’s red eyes were incredibly angry as he stared down at the significantly smaller man who looked absolutely terrified.

 “W-What’s it to you man!? I was just talking to her!” he trembled out.

 “Did you not see the ring on her fucking finger asswipe!? That’s my fucking wife! Get the fuck out of here before I blow your ass up!” his Quirk went off for emphasis, as soon as Bakugou released his grip the man ran off.

 “What the fuck are you all looking at!?” He growled as he noticed the ongoing shoppers staring at him, they immediately averted their eyes and hurriedly walked off.

 “Katsuki.” you sighed, frowning. “You can’t keep doing stuff like that.” 

 The tall man rolled his eyes as he reached for you, his hand wrapping around your waist protectively as he pressed a gentle kiss to your forehead. 

 “The fuck I can’t. You’re mine, I don’t want any shit stains touching what’s mine.” he grumbled. “Let’s hurry this up, I want to go home.”

 Bakugou was all but silent for the rest of the trip, his mood sour after what had happened at the grocery store. He was even quiet as you guys put away the groceries.

 You left to take another shower, and once you had finished you found yourself staring down at your husband laying across the couch, his eyes fixated on the TV.

 “Katsu.” Your voice small as you called out his name, standing at the edge of the couch.

 His red flickered towards your face; he drank in your expression for a moment before rolling his eyes. One of the hands that was resting behind his head moved to pat at his chest. “Well fucking hurry up then.” 

 Your expression brightened as you clambered on top of him, easily settling yourself on the muscular man. Your head was tucked under his chin, your legs tangled together. His hand slipped under your shirt easily, rough fingers caressing your skin gently.

 This was wonderful, cuddling Bakugou was your favorite thing in the entire world. He was always so warm, so solid, so safe. His sweet scent engulfed you completely, and you couldn’t help but bury your face further into his neck.

 The TV was the only source of sound besides both of your even breathing. It was comfortable, familiar, and incredibly safe.

 “I love you, you shitty woman.” he grumbled, his eyes never leaving the TV.

 A soft smile tugged at your lips, are you arched up slightly, pressing a soft kiss against his jaw. 

 “I love you Katsuki. Forever.”

 You loved Sundays.

 Scratch that, you loved Sundays with Bakugou. They were your favorite days.

 “You fucking better.”

[inkdemonapologist]

Okay but I do actually want to know both the things you love and the things you could rant about from DCTL?

OH BOY UHHHHHH okay lets see, I'm gonna see if I can do the "add a readmore after you post it" thing and see if that'll keep it stable.......

But also, much like Sammy, I am incapable of shutting up unless you strike me in the head with a blunt object, so uh, forgive my wordiness:

THINGS I ENJOY:

- DCTL gave us Sammy's ink addiction and like, if you had asked me before all this "what would you most like to see in a franchise?" I would not have answered "one of the characters drinks ink accidentally and then discovers that he can't stop" but boy that sure is my favourite concept that I LOVE to see handled literally any other way than how the book handled it!!!

- I like what it added to Tom and Allison and Norman!! Like, it's not big twists on their characters or anything -- we already knew Tom felt he was doing the wrong thing, so getting to see his CRUSHING GUILT over creating the machine isn't New Information, but it's nice to see and understand more of him; for all of them I feel a lot more attached to them after getting to see more of them as people.

- Like 90% of the "I LOVE IT" category for me is how the book handled Joey, and Buddy's relationship with Joey. The way Joey isn't a Sinister Mastermind Who’s Just Screwing With Everyone but just manipulative in a more mundane way -- someone who thinks of himself as just the guy with the vision to call the shots; he wants what he wants and this is how he's learned to get it; he exploits people not through devious schemes, but just by offering them something that they want or need and asking too much in return, expecting their loyalty for his favours. And the way he interacts with Buddy, making Buddy complicit with him and keeping Buddy off-balance and insecure while making him a favourite and treating him as Special is just PERFECT --  gives a lot of content to kind of extrapolate off of when pondering what must've drawn the others in and convinced them to ignore the red flags. I was initially frustrated with the idea of Buddy not being an artist and jUST DECIDING TO LEARN TO ANIMATE ON THE SPOT ("I've never done this before but I'm sure I can just do an artist's job" is a weirdly common throwaway thing in media and as an artist iTS A PET PEEVE) but actually the way they use his plagiarism to make him trapped in a lie in ways Joey doesn't even realise ends up being a neat echo of other employees (coughTOMcough), who were involved in much graver sins but suddenly felt they couldn't object or they'd lose their one chance, just like Buddy. There's a lot here that I think is really great.

OKAY THATS THE GOOD STUFF, LET'S COMPLAIN ABOUT SAMMY:

- Uncomfortable Bigotry Vagueness that we all knew was gonna be in this list -- I dunno man, a guy committing a microaggression and getting startled and defensive when he's called out for it doesn't necessarily completely ruin his character I GUESS, but the way this was handled is just SO WEIRD AND VAGUE that it's uncomfortable and it doesn't seem to serve any real purpose. "Is Tom black?" is a question I actually have to ask because the text sort of implies he is while also dancing around it and apparently Word of God said he's not??? which makes Buddy's comment nonsensical???? And I mean, you could go that route, since Buddy wonders to himself if Sammy talks to everyone like this -- HE ACTUALLY DOES!! Even within the text of the novel, he uses "Joey" instead of Mr. Drew, which is consistent with his audiologs in the game -- but that makes the writing suggest "this character THINKS this guy might be racist but actually they're reading too much into it and it wasn't racially motivated at all, he's just a jerk!!" wHICH IS SOMEHOW EVEN MORE ICKY??? Anyway like yeah I guess it's not inconsistent with his character that while Sammy Lawrence may not have any specific grudge against minorities he has probably not checked his privilege or done the work to challenge his own internal biases, but “Your Fav Probably Contributes To Systemic Racism In Ways He Hasn’t Considered, As Do We All When Our Assumptions Go Unchecked” is still a wild thing to wade through in a fun story about demonic cartoons

- but yknow so is T H E   H O L O C A U S T

- Sammy's voice is wrong. I'm actually okay with him being a weird awkward asshole, I already kind of assumed he was and that's part of why I like him!! but there's so many places he doesn't quite... talk like himself? And not just in terms of word choice, like -- so in his monologue at the end, he's described as talking so quickly that his words are "tumbling out faster than he can speak them," which initially seems fine; like yeah, that's a Standard Scene we're familiar with, the person who's been Driven Mad With Insight becoming more and more manic as they try to convey it -- until I tried to imagine it and realised that Sammy doesn't talk like this. That's a really consistent quality I always notice about his voice; whether he's almost giddily excited in prophet mode, or he’s his irritated and overworked human self, or he's violently angry and his voice has that echo effect -- he always speaks very deliberately. He enunciates carefully. There's some circumstances where I'd buy this as showing that he's Not Himself, but I feel like those would kind of need to be in the middle of his transformation, not at the end of it.

- In fact a lot of the scenes with Sammy kind of have this feeling -- that it's not necessarily an exploration of Sammy as a character, but that he is filling a trope or archetype role here. Once he's fully transformed he excitedly describes the process as more of a mental compulsion, which is in contrast to his weird yeerk-infected behaviour when trying to get ink from Miss Lambert. Both of those scenes don't seem wrong on their own because they fit tropes we know -- but they feel weird when you try to fit them together.

- I also just in general am not a fan of the ink acting like a weird yeerk. It can be a parasite I guess but when it starts overwriting and puppeting people and crawling around to enter their body that's just a completely DIFFERENT kind of supernatural story and it’s not what im here for!!!

- THE FREAKIN!!! HE WILL SET US FREE!!!! WHY????????? SAMUEL LAWRENCE WHAT IS HE SETTING YOU FREE FROM??????? Sammy has No Motive for any of what he's doing, other than just Ink Made Me Do It. The whole thing that was INTERESTING about Sammy as a character is the contrast between this frustrated, ornery musician with no specific love for the cartoons he works on, and the manically devoted cultist he becomes. What happened in the middle there? What made him desperate enough to shift his mindset so much? "Something supernatural made him do things that don't benefit him in any way" is a very boring answer to this question!!! Susie was a victim who implies that her transformation has forced her to do things she didn't want to do, but we can still see her motive -- she wanted to be Alice, so she took a sketchy offer to try to get what she wanted. Even now, her violence echoes that goal -- to be a more perfect Alice. What did Sammy want? WHO KNOWS. Even in his ink-addled state at the end, we don't understand what he hopes the Ink Demon will even do for him, and in fact he seems to be responsible for creating the very scenario he's begging Bendy to reverse in the game.

- [sighs loudly into my hands]

- Overall I'm left wondering if the author just..... didn't like Sammy Lawrence? And I don't mean that in the sense of him being a rude jerk -- like, Joey is not a good person, but the author seems to be interested in him and in what makes him tick. There doesn't seem to be that same interest in Sammy. Sammy's role in the story is that of a monster, transformed into something murderous, unable to prevent or choose it. He's not a victim of anyone but the ink, no one had to manipulate him or figure out how his brain worked or what he wanted or what he feared or give him any reason to do the things he does -- ink got in his mouth and overwrote his personality. And we don't even get to see that change, not really. He starts out angry and defensive and continues being angry and defensive up until his very last scene, denying his ink-stealing but not really much else. We see all his prophetic sketches but we never see hints of this in him, we never see him start to act more excited and hopeful, we never see him seek out the demon he desires to please. Why do we never see Sammy struggling between his dismissive angry front and a building religious fervour he can't quite suppress? We don't get to see any of the in-between. There's no interest at all in why or even what it looked like as Sammy became what he became, when, to be honest, I suspect interest in precisely that is one reason he's such a big fav.

- It's funny, in a "cries into my hands" kind of way, when Sammy is just knocked in the head while monologuing and immediately removed from the story without further mention, like...... that sure is the pattern with him, isn't it, he just tries very very hard and never actually gets to matter, but it also fits right in here, too, in this book that doesn't want to think about his motives -- he rambles nonsensically, explaining nothing, gets one trademark phrase, and then is hastily removed so the story doesn't have to think about him anymore.

...................I think that's most of it.

...

Y'all............ I'm not ready for Sent From Above.......... I'm just not.... I'm not emotionally ready...... like..... Sammy has to be in that right..... he’s Susie’s boss and she has that big crush on him..................................... I’m not ready

[summoner-kentauris]

What does your interpretation of Zacharias think about Líf and Thrasir? (You can either just answer or write a lil story if you feel like it)

OOOO now i have thought in my free time a fair amount about what líf thinks of zasha but, and i cannot believe this, i have not thought about what zacharias thinks about líf and thrasir. full disclosure, book III happened to be going on when i formally stopped playing feh. i kept up with the story after that but, theres my obligatory knowledge base disclaimer.

also minor cws through this whole thing because i talk here and there about zacharias and his... mm, canonical relationship to death/selfharm

-

so, i spent a lot of time thinking about this one, and i keep coming back to my gut reaction, which is that i don't think zacharias would like them very much. i dont know why i think that, though.

PART ONE

i think a lot of it would depend on how they approach him, which is maybe why i've spent more time thinking about the reverse of this ask, come to think of it. see, i think zacharias could go any which way in terms of what he thinks of them. i think he could hate them, as two people who killed versions of everyone he ever loved, including metaphorically killing off the two people closest to him.

i think he could love him, having seen the hell (ha ha literally) that they went through. understanding what that feels like. given the way he talks about his suicide attempts, and honestly that he spent most of book I trying to get people to kill him, really his whole relationship to death. i mean the man talks a lot about death and killing. he might not be the feh OC who best understands how manipulative and... whats a good word. alluring? what im trying to say is that besides eir, he might be the one most likely to understand why Hel and hel's offer appealed to líf and thrasir. i feel like this bit has a place here: "With his dying breath...he begged for his life. He called out your names! "I'll do anything you ask! Just let me live!" excepting of course that i still am not sure if i think he said/thought that or not. ive never been sure who really is in control of speaking right then and there. Anyway. Probably he could come to understand Líf and Thrasir's stance, enough that he could care about them the same ways he cares about his versions of Alfonse ann Veronica

on the other hand, i can see him being fully horrified by the choices those two made in response. this bit: Not anyone... This dark god...seeks death. And it cries for the destruction of Askr. Like. Líf and Thrasir are intentionally enacting the same thing as the dark god's desires, in order to correct a mistake they made that, uh, also enacted the same thing as dark god's desires. talk about awkward. and i think Zasha, who has lived with this nightmare in his head for so long, might recoil from people who are so directly aligned with it. who wants to be around someone who has become, who has chosen to become, everything you ever feared you'd be? especially when you're nearly drowning from the effort of fighting to stop yourself.

i could also see him meeting them and it being incredibly, incredibly bad for him. i feel like, he puts a whole lot of... mm. what am i trying to say.here:

Yet it is you that says this, dear friend, and so I must consider it. I see the faith reflected in your eyes. Perhaps it is possible...

SPEAKING OF BUNNY ZACHARIAS I ALSO THINK YOU COULD TAKE THE FOLLOWING:

You never change. All you see is a lofty goal, even if you lack the means to achieve it... The idea that gods would fall by the hand of man is a fantasy... and a preposterous one. This is a goal that even our ancestors Líf and Thrasir could not achieve.

setting aside the obligatory wtf zash i know you know your lore (fuck, maybe there is no killing the gods, maybe all Fire Emblem victories are temporary at best and Zenith is the only one who knows it. but i think, probably not), i think you could spin a very believable scenario where zacharias takes one look at these two ambitious, arrogant posers and absolutely refuses to speak to them any further.

so, part one, i think that zacharias could think any number of things about líf and thrasir. which i suppose means that i think he's fairly neutral on the subject of líf and thrasir. makes sense to me, i suppose. i feel like zacharias | bruno has practice (regardless of whether he's any good at it or not, or whether its any good for him) at holding and maintaining separate personas, so I don't think the fact that líf and thrasir were alfonse and veronica would necessarily be all that important to him.

which brings me to part ii

what happened to dead zenith zacharias

if zacharias is neutral on the subject, I think a lot of their relationship is going to pushed in one direction or another by líf and thrasir themselves.

and, complicating matters (when do I make things simple?), i think their approach to zacharias would of course depend on what happened to their zacharias. correct me if im wrong, but i dont think we have even a hint what happened to him.

there are three ish options I'm seeing. one: as dead world zenith is further along in its timeline and as zacharias claims he's almost out of time with his curse, other zacharias died due to that before the war with hel. i feel like scenario one is the most likely to lead to a good relationship between main zacharias and líf and thrasir.

two: mr. professional "knows plot relevant things out of knowhere" was the one who found out about angrboða's heart in the first place. especially given "As destruction took hold, we joined with Embla to seek the forbidden heart...", which to me sounds a lot like, "hel was kicking our ass then zacharias showed up and said we should go get this mystical plot object from embla". thrasir even says she and líf weren't allies before the world went to shit. anyway. hear me out here:

Yes. The heart is sealed within an Emblian blood temple. If that seal is broken, someone will die each time the heart beats... Those who perform the rite are the first to die.

Now. Líf claims he was the one who broke it open, but he also was present for the war that followed and only after was he killed and inducted into hel's army. so. both of those things can't be true. i propose that the magic mcguffin located in a sealed emblian blood temple was unlocked by our dear zacharias and thats what killed him in other zenith. i think its possible that other veronica was the one who did it, but you know. its all imagination at this point. also, and i forgot this, but thrasir does go off about how she can't lose until she saves her brother, so. something especially tragic happened at least. and oh boy is scenario two a nice fresh tasty tragedy. so that's scenario two. other zacharias directly died as a result of attempts to fight hel

number three thing that could have happened to zach is boring. he's always off doing things, he could have just died off screen. i mean. everyone did, eventually.

frankly he could still be alive for all i know. the heart appears to take the lives of people in the world, not of the world, or else the summoner would have been fine. so, if zacharias was on one of his off world jaunts, he could conceivably be a-okay. well. as okay as someone who's whole world died. i don't think that's what happened, because thrasir is pretty clear about feeling that she failed him, but yknow.

líf and thrasir's reactions to the above

thrasir is i think the most straightforward. i can't really see her approaching main zacharias with anything but positive intent. even if she's only a little bit open, i think thrasir and zacharias will probably have a decently tolerable relationship. if zacharias can come back to a country that exiled him as a kid and let his mother die in a dungeon and then go on to not just befriend but protect and care for a half sister he didnt know before then, then i think he'll find a way to care about thrasir. you know, intsys could have had fun making another perpetual older brother character. as i understand it, xander gets brother'd a lot, he and zach could have talked. could have been fun. a whole, zacharias, a historically traumatized child: *arrives in a world* every currently traumatized kid in a five mile radius: oh shit this one's ours now. you know what im saying? found family except zacharias would very much like it to stop finding him. he's got important brooding to do. but anway, they didn't go that route and its a tragedy.

líf is... more complicated. i think scenario one creates the most positive outlook. i can see him still having guilt over zacharias' loss, but i think any of it would be overshadowed by everything else that happened. in this scenario, líf finally gets back a piece of the world he'd lost. yeah, it's not his zacharias, but still. it is a zacharias, who is living and breathing and frowning and asking why you are staring at me, knight. i think the two of them could get along rather well, although i see them having significant issues with pessimism. inch-restingly enough... the dark curse bades its hosts to kill askrans. and líf is, well. dead. so... perhaps... perhaps líf wouldn't trigger the curse like alfonse does. in that case, not only does líf get someone back he thought he'd never see again, but so does zacharias.

scenario two is just a nightmare. frankly, i initially thought this scenario would lead to líf just ignoring zacharias (out of guilt, pain, etc), but i was rereading the scripts looking for the spelling of angrboða and this came up:

Tell Hel. She'll erase those memories. She'll erase them all...

so, honestly? i think that in scenario two líf just straight up gets hel to remove his memories of zacharias (as an aside maybe this is also why he never ever ever talks about other anna >:{ )

in that case, líf wouldn't really have any reason to talk to this man, who causes this empty deeply sad feeling to well up in him for now discernible reason. and zacharias has no reason (or time) to talk to this standoffish general of the dead. so. that's a real ships in the night moment.

number three i think líf would still hold the same guilt as in number two, but i don't think it would be as horrifically tragic, so i think it's more likely he'd be willing to approach zacharias. he does appear to have even worse of a thing than alfonse about not opening oneself up to people, but i think that even if he's líf, he once was an alfonse, and being that this is me answering this, i don't think any alfonse can really keep away from a zacharias for very long. its a version of the person who once knew him as well as any other person in the world. like líf can't really seem to stop himself from associating with main sharena, i don't think he could stop himself from reaching out in his own way to main zacharias. and god does that man need some more friends. i think zacharias would probably be a little frightened of líf, and of what an alfonse could become. but i think probably... i feel like a lot of book i issues stem from the fact that, justified or not, zacharias thinks alfonse would risk anything, any harm to save him. i don't know that confronting an alfonse who literally risked everything and did all harm to save his world would be a comfort, but i do think zacharias would get a lot out of having someone who's already done the worst they can do. been there, done that, got the tshirt. i think zacharias would be a little afraid of what an alfonse could become, but i think he would no longer have to be afraid of... no, anxious about it. i think there's a kind of calm in having something confirmed that zacharias could appreciate. healthy? unhealthy? fuck if i know. i also think that in líf, zacharias has a friend who he can't physically hurt anymore. lífs already dead. been there done there got the.... glowing gel torso. i think, curse nonewithstanding, zacharias will always have some degree of tension and fear about hurting people he's in a relationship with, be that because of his issues with abandonment, of abandoning, of harm, etc. but you know. líf's kind of a rock. and he's already hit his rock bottom, now that i'm thinking about rocks. i think that kind of steady, placid deathness could really help zacharias. and i think he would find it soothing, whether or not he knew why.

plus he will be able to know that if the curse gets him, if he dies... he'll still have a friend in the realm of the dead. he doesnt have to be so afraid of leaving and getting left

so there we go! lots of musings. i have been thinkin about why my headcanons are less that and more elaborate branching theories, and i think it is because i would change my opinion depending on which story i wanted to tell or hear or see.so yeah. dunno which one of these answers belongs to the question, what does your interpretation of Zacharias think about Líf and Thrasir?, but hopefully at least one of them is interesting to read about!

OH also. i think he would be petty-ly annoyed about them cribing líf and thrasir's name. like full on scholar petty. probably showed up to the order in a nerdy huff excited to meet the actual factual líf and thrasir and turns out its just those two, sitting around glowing and reciting death metal lyrics like they're spoken word ballads. dont think he'd get over that ever.

[musingsofabooklover]

The Truth About The Dark Sides

I have a theory about Sanders Sides:

Neither Dark Sides nor Light Sides really exist.

There are only Sides, and whether they’re called dark or light depends only on how Thomas perceives them. 

Let me explain. Each side, each facet of personality, however “dark” they might seem to be, provides something to the personality that would be catastrophic if taken away. We’ve seen it with Virgil before when he decided to quit. Even though anxiety is something that’s seen as scary, and if you have a lot of it, it can indeed have a big negative impact on your life, it turned out that having some sense of caution was vital to Thomas’s continued wellbeing. And I believe this is true about all of the supposedly “Dark” Sides.

Equally, all of the supposedly “Light” Sides, if they were present to a great extreme, could have unhealthy effects, and also if Thomas wasn’t as comfortable with using those aspects of his personality, the other sides might be trying to get them to go away or not listening to them.

Let’s go through each of the sides we’ve got so far:

Patton:

Good things: leads to you trying to do things that are “good” actions; stops you from being an uncaring asshole who exploits everyone, or a serial killer or whatever, or worse; also generally what drives you to try and make the world a better place.

Bad things: if your morality isn’t calibrated right, it could lead to a variety of bad effects done with good intentions. For instance, if your morality is too strict, you could turn into one of those people who tries to ban Harry Potter because they think it’ll turn all the children into devil-worshippers or something, or you could end up cutting off all your friends because you demand moral perfection. In another scenario, you could end up as a Well Intentioned Extremist who believes it’s ok to kill thousands of people if it’s for the “greater good”, because your morality was able to justify it. In a third scenario, a common moral feature amongst people who don’t value themselves much is that they should always put other people’s wants above their own wants or even needs. This is unhealthy and leads eventually to a lack of life satisfaction, a growing resentment of your own friends and family, and martyrdom, when, really, your friends and family probably didn’t WANT you to be a martyr for them and would actually like it if you did some things for yourself sometimes.

Logan:

Good things: logic enables you to take account of the facts when you make decisions, and consider what consequences are likely to follow from those facts and from decisions you take. Being out of touch with logic means the results you expect won’t follow from the things you do, because you haven’t paid attention to what’s happening.

Bad things: If you only use logic to make decisions, and ignore the more emotional sides, you will end up doing things like choosing a career entirely for the money or because you think you’d be good at it even though you hate it and find it boring or stressful, leading to unhappiness. Plus, if you’ve truly got no emotional preference and only use logic, you don’t know what to prioritise in life. How do you choose between 5 different breakfasts that are roughly nutritionally equivalent? What should you do in your free time? Is fun allowed? We saw that chart Logan came up with for how Thomas should divide his time...

Roman:

Good things: enables you to see a bunch of possibilities for how things could be. You can come up with ideas for how to spend your time, you can do creative work and hobbies of various kinds (not just the arts - anything that is innovative!), and this also seems to be where the optimism is, so you also get hope for the future. Enables you to imagine that things might go right. Encourages you to take risks, which means you don’t get stuck in a rut. Without imagination, every day would look the same.

Bad things: too much imagination/optimism at the expense of, say, logic, and you’ll get out of touch with reality. Those “positive thinking” type books that claim you can get anything you want to happen by just imagining it really hard might work to some extent, but eventually a practitioner will run into the hard facts of reality and come crashing down. If you spend too much time imagining how perfect and wonderful a romantic interest is, the reality of them as a human person with the usual quirks and annoying little habits is going to be a big disappointment. Optimism and imagination is great, but it needs to be tempered with realism. Also, if your positive imagination caused you to take too many risks, that’s called being reckless and it generally doesn’t end well.

Virgil:

Good things: applies caution and checks for danger, preventing you from being reckless. Helps you to assess future risks, so that you’re ready for them when they come along. Without caution, you will do stupid things because you don’t care.

Bad things: use too much caution and you’ll never do anything, because literally everything in the world comes with some level of risk. Either that or everything will seem equally risky, so you’ll actually do something that’s genuinely a serious risk because you couldn’t discriminate between that and something that was just a small risk. Those of you with serious anxiety probably know more than me about this section, I feel.

Deceit:

Good things: I know there’s a feeling amongst some quarters that lying is always bad, but that’s really not the case. Imagine you live under an oppressive government with really bad laws and the secret police come knocking saying, “have you seen this person?” In that case, lying and saying you don’t know who they are, or that you haven’t seen them for a month, or whatever, would be much more moral than telling them that the person’s hiding in your attic. Imagine, on a lighter note, you’re a superhero with a secret identity. If Lex Luthor asked Superman who he really was, Supes isn’t gonna tell him “Clark Kent” and lead Lex right to Jonathan and Martha. Or even imagine somebody gave you a gift that you really, really, hated, but you can tell they put thought into and they’re giving it sincerely. Do you tell them “I hate this!” and give it right back, or do you say “Thanks” and discretely take it to a charity shop later? While in most cases it’s good, honesty really isn’t a clear-cut virtue.

In addition, Deceit seems to be Thomas’s selfish instincts. Without any selfish instincts, then, as described in the section under morality, you’re gonna gradually turn into a martyr.

Bad things: If you lie all the time no one will trust you, which means no one will believe you when it counts and you actually need them to. See the story of the boy who cried wolf. If you’re too selfish, you will trample over other people’s needs in order to gain a trivial want for yourself.

Remus:

Good things: Remus seems to be great at imagining horrible, cynical things (as well as disgusting things, but anyway). This means that if you’re in a scenario, you’ve probably already thought of the worst way that things could go, which means if everything goes sort of ok, you’re not too disappointed, compared to if you’d only been imagining that things would definitely go really well. Remus seems to provide cynicism (which Virgil also feeds off). Cynicism, while not great by itself, is important as a counterbalance to Pollyanna optimism. Also, if you’re a crime novelist or something, the darker side of imagination will help you come up with some good grizzly deaths and crimes waiting to be solved.

On another note, there are certain types of recreational activity for which I doubt it’s Roman doing the imagining. ;)

Overall, without Remus, as an adult you’d come across as incredibly naive.

Bad things: Too much cynicism and imagining the worst all the time without any realism as a balance will lead to depression, as you stop being able to see the ways in which things could go right. Extreme cynicism is just as unproductive extreme optimism. And I think we saw the other negative aspects of Remus in the recent video.

So, as I said: each side has its good and bad part. It’s only how you see them that makes them light or dark.

[uhnoodles]

Stobin Shipping (ST3)

Hello all!

I’ve been debating whether or not to post this because conflict and confrontation make me physically ill and I’m not usually one to start anything of any sort that would invite such a thing.

I’m not writing this post to invite such a thing either, but unfortunately, I don’t think I can post this opinion without getting a lot of hate. I wouldn’t even be putting my voice out here unless something big happened, which has.

So, here goes.

Stobin is a ship from the 3rd season of Stranger Things featuring Steve Harrington, a character from every season, and Robin, a character introduced this season.

Steve and Robin work together at Scoops Ahoy and seem to be warily civil with each other in the beginning of the season. Various plot points drag them together, and eventually they bond and begin to grow warmer and friendlier with each other, a classic enemies to friends trope that is seen in many a fiction story. What usually comes next in this line of relationships is lovers or something synonymous. And we got a taste of it when Steve admitted his growing romantic feelings for Robin. Robin, however, turns him down because she is a lesbian. Steve is oblivious, then accepting and friendly with her from then on. There is absolutely no hope for them to ever be together in the show because she is a lesbian. I don’t want them to be together in the show because She. Is. A. Lesbian.

...Having said that, I feel slightly more comfortable approaching the purpose of this post.

A lot of people feel that it is homophobic/lesbophobic to still ship Stobin even after Robin came out to Steve, turning down his romantic advances. And I’m not going to tell you how to feel. I’m not in the business of doing that, because I’m not you and I don’t dictate your emotions or reactions. And honestly, if someone does still ship Stobin because they think it’s stupid that Robin is a lesbian and that she doesn’t “fit the bill” or they are just fucking homophobic, then fuck that guy. Because that’s not cool.

But. In my opinion, which is an opinion and not a fact, Fanfiction and shipping were made so fans can live out their non canon dreams.

I ship Stobin. Not because I think Robin being a lesbian is dumb or disgusting, or even because I wish she wasn’t a lesbian. Because I don’t wish that. I’m a lesbian. I was so fucking ecstatic when she turned out to be a lesbian! She is a cool, funny, complex character and she’s ours! Holy shit! YES! I honestly can’t wait for the writers to explore this in season 4 and give us all the sweet lesbian content I want.

Representation matters. I know that, and I feel that. I’m white- so I have had the privilege of being represented in the media my whole life. Hell, I remember when I first saw Beauty and the Beast, Belle immediately became my favorite princess because she had brown hair like me. I’ve also been lucky enough to grow up in an era where the LGBTQA+ community is slowly being accepted by society. I’ve also been lucky enough to have absolutely no issues in that area of my life. I’ve never been faced with prejudice in any way regarding my sexuality. I’m lucky, and I know I’m one of the few. So maybe Robin isn’t hitting me as hard as she is a lot of lesbians.

Don’t get me wrong, please, don’t get me wrong! She is a lesbian, I know this, and I never want that to change! If she and Steve got together in the show, I would be fuckin pissed! That is erasure! That is queer baiting! (I think that’s the term?) Her presence as a lesbian in this show is important because Stranger Things is set in the 80s, a very homophobic period in American history (which is true for all of American history through pretty much now for a lot of people). The fact that we have not just Robin but also Will- and both are accepted and still loved by their friends- is amazing and I have cried multiple times over it! If their presence in the show is of the utmost important to me, a lesbian who has faced zero kicks in the ass in her life, I can’t imagine how important she is to a lesbian who has faced every struggle in the world.

I believe, as I’ve stated, that fanfiction exists so fans may live out their non canon dreams. I ship Stobin because I thought their warm and fuzzy moments slowly building up throughout the season were very believable and they lit up the fan girl in me so fuckin quickly. “Yes!” I thought, “Steve is getting a romance again, and with arguably the coolest girl in the show!” And then she came out as a lesbian, which didn’t even phase me because I knew I could read fanfiction of Stobin to satisfy that whirlwind of fangirling emotions inside me that would never be satisfied canonically, which is completely okay with me.

That’s what fanfiction and shipping is to me. Satisfying my unmet fangirling needs. Am I mad about any of my unfulfilled ships? No! Absolutely not! Every fandom I am part of, I ship most ships in existence. I also ship Steve with Billy, Jonathan, Nancy, I’ve even read Steve and Kali (008) and enjoyed it! The thing about Robin is that, in season three, she only interacted with Steve and 2 children, and her and Steve had many faux romantic moments. I’ve read RobinxOFC and shipped the two! Hell, there’s this Haringrove fic with an OFC that I think she would be really cute with! I guarantee that as soon as she interacts with literally any female character, I will go buck fuckin wild. However, the in-depth character connection she has is Steve.

I know to a lot of you guys, these are just excuses, and I’m honestly very very sorry if I am hurting you in any way by continuing to ship them, completely apart from the canon, in the fics I read a write. I definitely would have kept my fuckin mouth to myself, but I noticed something quite alarming.

“Kill yourself”. Two words. Both simple words. Put together, they could destroy a life. They have many a time. I’ve been the target many times when I write a fic with a ship people don’t like. So alarming. So fucking alarming. Those words can do real damage. In real life. Not a fictional universe, such as the Stranger Things universe. But in real life. Now, I know that representation is so very fucking important, and I know that Robin is a lesbian. I support her as a lesbian and will accept no less in canon. Threatening another human’s life over respresentation in media isn’t okay, not in my books. Even if I didn’t ship Stobin and was as affected by it than a lot of you guys are, I would still be writing this post, just minus the explaining my view of Stobin and fanfiction in general. Because death threats, disturbing messages, and mocking one-off comments won’t get your point across. They’ll just root tour subject of hate more firmly into the ground and harm their psyche along the way.

It’s not worth it. Stranger Things is not worth it. Someone, a human being, in real life, could be hurt by careless, aggressive words. Over something that you could ignore so easily if you don’t support it. And I know that ignoring something you find abhorrent and a violation of human rights can be downright near impossible sometimes, but resorting to such terrible words just isn’t okay. Explain your side, debate, argue, don’t berate, don’t get furious. Or at least don’t let your fury turn you into a monster who threatens another human being’s life. Because doing that, saying those things? It’s monstrous.

I know this will get replies, and I’m not looking forward to it because confrontation, again, makes me hate my life. But you have the right to express your opinion to me if my own displeases you, but know that I will definitely ignore threats and furious massages that I’ve seen circulating around this particular ship.

I don’t know if I properly expressed myself or if this came across at all how I wanted it to. Bottom line:

-Robin is a lesbian, I support her

-I got attached to the teased romance between her and Steve, so I will be reading fanfiction and imagining scenarios myself to satisfy my hunger

- I, personally, don’t think that makes me a bad person or a homophobe/lesbophobe for reasons I’ve listed above

- I sincerely apologize to anyone who is offended or hurt, that is truly not my intention

-I only opened my fat mouth about this because death threats and hostile behavior have been circling this ship and it crossed a line in my head

I’m sorry this is so long. @pelegringo is a blog I know has been experiencing a lot of these threats and I don’t know how many others have been dealing with it. I’m so sorry if my opinion is unwelcome, but I saw someone being hurt and couldn’t ignore it.

I wish you all the best, and I hope you have enjoyed my Ted Talk.

[taylorverse]

My Taylor Swift Story

@taylorswift 

hello taylor! can i just make a big point to say how incredible you are. so i don’t really make these sorts of posts because it just seems unrealistic to be not just noticed by you but by any other swifties. You, Miss Taylor Alison Swift are the actual reason why some people are still living their day to day lives. I have literally grown up listening to your music and there’s always been an element of happiness that it brings me, whether its the vibe of the song or the melody or the lyrics or the sweet and pure way your voice echoes the words. I have had every single album of yours on repeat for all the times i’m hovering over the bath shaving my legs, procrastinating doing revision and literally jamming to old tswift songs in my bedroom. I have spent hours laying in my bed looking up at the ceiling playing all too well whilst i cry my eyes about relating the lyrics to how hard life can be and how difficult it is to keep going. But your music has always been a huge element of my well-being as it just provides a sense of stability; the songs you’ve sung is the poetry of my emotions and the lingering thoughts that I just can’t seem to say. My younger self didn’t even realise what a toll you had on me growing up, I always bought every single calender and all the albums. I remember my dad buying me the signed version of RED and it was just the happiest day of my life. I so clearly remember just holding it in my hands and feelings so happy in that moment. The years where i was beginning to get a bit older and things started to shift, your music was the constant that was always there and never left. I had dance parties where I would be alone in my bedroom singing with the huge poster of you hung above my bed (which once actually fell on my face in the middle of the night and was absolutely terrorfying). My favourite memory was sitting downstairs late at night, when I was like 9 and watching the livestream for RED when you sat in nashville and played acoustic songs on your guitar. I was so happy in that moment, to be able to just feel so connected to a woman who didn’t even know I existed was unlike anything I had ever felt before. Then came my birthday where my dad surprised me with Red tickets I LITERALLY CRIED. The night came and it was my first concert, it was one of the London nights and we sat right at the back. My most vivid memory of that night was the two people behind us who were obnoxiously going on about how they were gonna meet you after and that the show didn’t matter as much. Me and my dad would look at eachother with a jealous smirk and enjoyed the show. To be honest, I can’t actually remember that much but of what I do, I could have sworn you waved at me (even though there were probably about 4894 people in my direction) and the small kid i was held onto that as we trecked our way back on the train at midnight. As this was my first concert and I was so young, it felt so cool to be awake so late and I was in awe of the night I had experienced. 

Being at school, I was always known as the swiftie. I bought the drawstring Red tour bag from the concert because my dad said i couldn’t buy a top as he said “there’s no point in buying it if you’re going to grow out of it”. Anyway i used it as my PE bag and still do to this day. Everyone would tease me and I used to just SHAKE IT OFF and ignore the haterzzzz. My life was completely altered by that night, I wouldn’t stop thinking about it and I remember doing a show and tell in class where I played the videos I took of the concert on the big screen to my whole class as I passed around the rubber wristband I had too bought from that night. Everyone was so amazed by my experience, I was just so happy that I had seen my role model and that my life felt fulfilled at that point. 

I’m now in secondary school, I have never ever stopped playing your music. I even got an app to see how many times I had replayed songs and it turns out i have listened to Speak Now all the way through 800 times (not including the years of listening to it on my iPod). Then when one day I was sitting watching greys anatomy (wink), I got an instagram notification that you had posted a picture. My heart sank as I began to wonder WHAT THE HELL YOU POSTED since you had disapperred from earth. Seeing the what i know now as the snake, I literally jumped out of excitement & an overwhelming burst of confusion built up as I tried to figure out what the hell was happening. More pictures posted and my lil swiftie inside of me came rushing out as I just skipped around the living room. I still remember staying up late to watch LWYMMD music video. It was insane. I lay in my bed with my headphones plugged into my phone and quietly shrieked at the BEAUTY of it. At this point I wasn’t as indulged in the online fandom as I am now, so I started to follow accounts like @marthaswiftie on instagram to be more involved and find out all these crazy theories. The reputation album came out the year right before my life kinda went downhill. I remember the tickets came out for the tour and I didn’t even ask my parents to go because we were going through such a tough time that my own selfish wants were not the priority. 

So beginning 2018, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. We soon found out that it was terminal, which just broke our family individually in different ways. Our family is extreamely close and for something like this to happen, it was such a huge surprise that we just didn’t know how to react. My closest memory was sitting Physics class, just staring into space and all of these horrible thoughts were flooding my mind and all of the worst case scenarios just ruined me. Yet my naive self was so unaware of my emotion that I just carried on with my life, instead trying to be overly happy about life. At this point, my dad was is hospital most of the weeks spending time having his radiotherapy and chemotherapy done. I tried so hard to not think about it, that I ended up having so many breakdowns of which I spent crying my eyes out in my room just trying to hold onto hope that seemed so far away. Selfishly, I so wanted to see you on tour just to give me a pick-me-up but i felt so bad about wanting something for myself since I shouldn’t even be thinking of anything but him. Yet instead, I was so broken that I just ignored what was going on around me. This is what I’ve been learning to cope with and i think at points i felt so defeated. The tour month came up, i watched endless clips of people going and felt so hopeless in seeing you. I was in such a rut of trying to feel happier, yet trying to cover up the way I dealt with things by watching every Youtube video under the sun and literally all the shows on netflix to exist. Even writing this now feels so narrow-minded but it was just the way I was going through it. The literal day before the tour, my sister surprised me with tickets and i canNOT TELL YOU the rush of happiness I felt. I sobbed so much, I did not sleep as I lay thinking about what I was going to wear and the fact that i was going to see you in the flesh. 

The day came, and there are truly no words to describe it. I left school early, rushed home and did my makeup and hair. We hopped on the train and made our way up to london. I remember getting into Wembley and as soon as we walked out of the station I saw a huge group of people wearing merch tops and that’s when it started to kick in. We had a few hours, so we walked up and down the streets, me noticing all the outfits from music videos and award shows that people were dressed up in. Then we sat in nando’s, literally starving and as we ate our food just kept repeating to eachother, “we’re gonna see TAYLOR SWIFT” and every time it gave me goosebumps. A little girl came in as we were finishing, she had little cat ears on and a tutu. She had a top that she had DIYed herself that said I LOVE TAYLOR on it. My heart melted as we made our way out of the restaurant and grinned our way up to the stadium. The closer we got, we saw so many people with VIP necklaces and we looked at eachother rolling our eyes because we were jealous haha. I was so shocked by the diversity of people there, literally every type of person was surrounding us obviously in awe of the event that was about to occur. My favourite bit was walking up the huge pathway to the door entries, we came super early so I could get merch and our route was filled with girls screaming at the sight of eachother. My sister was so confused so I filled her in on the details of how so many people meet online through fan acounts and these concerts are where some of them finally meet. The merch queue was huge, but i had saved enough for a hoodie so we made the decision to stand in it. There were a few girls behind us complaining about the outfits people were wearing, we were annoyed because they kept saying “why do they dress up so much she’s not gonna see them” and my blood just boiled as their remarks piled on top of eachother. As we reached the front of the queue, we heard Charlie playing from the stadium because this line ended being 2 HOURS LONG. I didn’t care though, I said to my sister that the whole fun of it is to wait the long hours and dedicate our time to this day as it was a once in a lifetime. I bought the black hoodie with the zipped hood, they didn’t have small so I got Medium which ended being HUGE, but I love it because I snuggle in i every night. Straight after, my sister took a cute pic of me in the hoodie to send to my mum right before we were about to go through security. It was my first time at wembley so I had no idea what I was doing, but I just followed my sister as we got our bags checked and prepared ourself for the view we were about to whitness. My heart began beating so fast, I was in complete shock and my sister gripped my hand as we found our entry doorway. My first thought was, WHAT THE HELL. I had never been in such an overwhelming place. IT WAS HUGE. the amount of people there just left me in a sedated state for a second before we trudged down the stairs to find out seats. We were in block E, on the floor. It was my first time not being super high up, so i felt so privileged as i strut across the metal walkway feeling so happy about where i was. The struggle to find our seats was REAL. We spent ages when they ended up just being right in front of us the whole time. As soon as we scooted through the others, we sat down and just took a second to realise that we were about to whitness TAYLOR SWIFT PERFORM. My adrenaline was going crazy, my sister took tons of pictures and videos to send to my parents and they were so jealous! Then Camila came on, she was incredible. Everyone stood up as my short height meant I was staring at the huge screen, miming to lyrics to consequences and never be the same. She left and the stadium began to flll up and it just got so much louder. Anticipation grew, every single person in that stadium was just so happy. The Ready for It tune started and that’s when it all kicked off. I lifted myself from my seat, screamed to my hearts content as my sister sang along whilst also watching me give a performance in front of her. Every song was just so amazingly performed. Then when the b stage was next, the whole floor just legged it to get closer. I was nervous to lose my sister or the bags so i remember turning behind me as my sister grabbed the bags and said ‘go’. Little old me bent through the crowd, I ducked beneath and tried to get as close as I could. I remember standing on a chair and as I did i realised that i was less than 5 metres away from TAYLOR SWIFT. I sang along to So it goes and turning back every now and then to see where my sister was and I kept saying ‘Emma, I AM SO CLOSE I AM GONNA CRY’. Every now and then I would pull my phone out for videos but I wanted to grasp this moment as I let all my worries wash away and I whitnessed the most insane moment of my life. As the move for the next stage came, I followed the movement of the crowd as the security officers began to strictly tell people to stop standing on chairs. There I was, spinning around every now and then to see the crowd. Dress was the current song and my eyes lit up at the beauty of Miss swift. The concert followed with so much energy, the seats we had were right at the back of the floor but it was amazing to feel the lit up souls of everyone around me. There was just so much energy, so much love. One thing I remember was grooving to a song when the confetti began to float over us. We were so far back that it didn’t quite reach us yet this one piece was slowly floating mid air quite far back. I followed it with my eyes and reached to grab it as another girl took my opertunity. I was slightly annoyed, but the scenery of lights and idea of my idol being in the same room brought me back to happiness. The night ended with me and my sister talking on the phone to my mum, praising the show and just feeling so blessed. The nightmare of getting home began, as we got on the wrong train and then as we finally settled we were so tired that we almost got lost. My sisters boyfriend picked us up and we got home in a blur of sleep.

That night was unforgettable. It was just all my needs in one place, i felt so satisfied and i watched the videos I filmed of it months and months after, remenising on it. Coming back to present, TS7 is on its way. I woke up at 5am to see the ME! music video as soon as it comes out and see all of the hype. This has been the best day in ages. I have bought the song on itunes and streamed it on every device & app. My fingers literally ache from typing this in one sitting, but it was amazing because I just went through that night all over again from writing about it. But my point is. Whoever is reading this, Taylor or even just my grandma; there is happiness out there. I live by Taylor Swift and her music, she will always and forever be my role model, I LOVE YOU @taylorswift

[selfless1978]

See this?

was on the board when I walked into my therapy appointment today. 

Let me zoom in on this spot right here.

Did you know communicating was so complicated?

*leans back in chair* 

now, that I've had time to think todays session over, I think it’s time to take my fucking stand.

those this is meant for will probably never read this, but I really don’t care. that isn’t what this is about. But, I was namelessly shamed in public, and, it may be petty, I will retaliate in public.

Therapist approved, sometimes petty is needed. Bet you didn’t expect to hear that one, did you?

i’m fucking tired of hiding in my corner wondering what the hell I did wrong.

fact is, like it or not, i’m not the only one at fault here.

See, the thing is with communication is, it’s not solely dependent on what I’m trying to say, the meaning is also dependent on how you take it. I know what I was trying to do, and say, you were the one who misinterpreted it. 

So, yes, maybe I could have been clearer in my writing, questions, feelings, but I am not responsible for how you take it. If you feel it was manipulative, and that is what you chose to believe without clearing things up, that’s all on you.

I’m tired of feeling guilty for what you think.

So, now, with that door now opened, let me continue.

I am no innocent, I know this, I understand this. Fuck, I’m living it every day. I make mistakes. I’m fucking human. If I fuck up, I will apologize, if you let me. On the other hand, I am a person looking for help because I can’t make heads nor tails of who and what I am. You know what the therapist told me? I’m a very insightful person, but I am one who can’t put my feelings in the same line with my observations and reasonings. There is even a term for it. Stuck point.

I’ve got a shit ton of stuck points.

now, let me zoom in to here.

Look at this real hard.

This, is how I think. This is my ticker. This is how I see the world. This is what I want to change. 

See some things in there? I do. Lord knows I’ve whined to a lot of you often enough about these things. You’d be blind if you didn’t see some of these repetitive habits. I know I needed help. I also know I may have pushed some of you too far. I get that. Don’t think that just because I kept doing it that it fell of deaf ears when I was told I needed help. But, until I finally got into therapy, who else did I have? 

some of you do remember that that fucking waitlist was over a year long, right?

of course I was going to be repetitive, I had no one else to turn to beside those  I trusted. I literally had no one to take me by the hand and guide me on how to break these habits. Not knowing how to change is a far cry from not wanting to change.

Does it make it ok for me to turn you guys into my personal therapists? No. It does not. I fully understand that too. Stop beating me with it upside the damn head. I can’t move on from it if others refuse to let me. I’m not proud of who I was during my worst meltdown, I have no intention of going back there, so why am I still being held accountable for it. It’s not who I want to be, and I don’t want to be that way again.

Now, on to this little box. It combines with the picture above.

And it all adds up to why I REact the way I do.

1) because so much shit has gone wrong, I over compensate by trying to ‘fix’ things. oh? you bully my friend? come here motherfucker, i’ll knock your lights out. oh? we don’t mesh as RP partners? what do I have to change? Oh? I accidentally upset you? Let me grovel for three days apologizing.

why is this?

it’s because I’m trying to take control back of my own life. I’m trying to combat all these uncontrollable scenarios by trying to fix any and everything I can. I have a huge Mr Fix It complex. It’s also one of, if not the core, reasons why I can’t let shit go. I have to have some kind of positive resolution. It eats at me, so hard. None of you understand fully the depths of my pain when I can’t fix something. It breaks me, I cry for days, weeks on end. Because, once more, I was proved that I have no control over my life and I’m a piece of shit not worth living.

Think about that the next time you start a fucking countdown and not informing the other person they are the target then completely shut them out. 

2) See that other green arrow? Esteem. Despite my big ass mouth, I don’t have a very good self esteem. Something goes wrong, it’s my fault. I did it. I fucked everything up. It’s all on me and I’m a horrible human being. And if I can’t fix something, it throws me into a pit of depression that I can’t crawl out of. Because I can’t fix a damn thing if the other person refuses to talk to me.

Why is that? How is it my fault that a damn plane lost a wheel and it fell onto my house of all places?

Because, as a society, we are engrained to believe bad things happen to bad people, and the good people get all the good things. Therefore, my therapist is fighting the wall of, “All this happened to me, I deserve to take over hell”.

I accepted my blame, not willingly, but I did all the same. Because to me, it was the ‘normal’ thing to do. I would sit here and go “what did I do now?” and rarely ever question the belief that, hey, guess what, it’s not all my fault. I ended up hiding, not talking to anyone, shutting even more folks out who were only on the peripheral of events.

3) and this ties in with three, the lesser ones. Trust, intimacy and safety.

I trusted you. I tell you things in confidence, and it was thrown back in my face. I let you into my safety zone, I let you see the most vulnerable parts of me, and you slap me in the face. Using what I told you in attempts to heal and move on as reasons to feul your ‘gut’ feeling.

Well, your ‘gut’ needs some Imodium because it was completely off the mark here. And now there is shit all over the floor.

So, go ahead and sit back. Wash your hands of me. Sit on your high horse of miscommunication and, therapist flat out stated, hurtful behavior. Call me out on things I did to protect myself, ignoring the hypocrisy that you did the exact same fucking thing to me. Keep sucking in the public sympathy while I sat here in silence and cried just as much as you say you did. Let them call me a bully, idiot, manipulative. You, are no better than me. We both made mistakes. Your horse is no fucking higher than mine after all.

It took me this long to come out and say these things, but by god, I’ll still have my god damn say!

I had reached a point where I was tired of trying to fight these fights. I was tired of having my mistakes held up to my face. I wanted so very much for someone, anyone, to just take a stand up and put the gloves on for me. Because I couldn’t see the point in it anymore. I was tired. Just mentally done with trying to figure any of this shit out. I didn’t have the energy or will power to respond earlier.

Well, guess what. I see a different point. And It’s one I need to make. I should thank you for giving my therapist something current to use to help me.

I’ll very well still stand up on my feet after getting knocked down. Sure, it gets harder and harder each time. But I’ll keep dragging myself up, dust myself off, readjust, and move on.

The main reason I posted this, in all honesty, is to give the rest of you some insight on my thinking. Some kind of glimpse in my head. I have no intention of bringing this up anymore after this. And, honestly, I shouldn’t even have to type this out. But, I tell you now, it’s out. Read over what I’m saying very carefully. If this is the kind of person you can not deal with, then I advise you to not interact with me.

I make no pretense on being guiltless or blameless. I am what I am, if you can handle it is now up to you. I can’t give you any better insight with out recording my damn therapy sessions. I’m going to mess up. After all, I’m only fucking human.

[mysterioustomjenkins]

wouldn't you agree though that with the akount of women testifying against Trump as well as his reputation in those circles before his presidency is enough to definitively say he did it?

I don’t know what his reputation was before his presidency, the only thing I knew about him prior to him trying to become and succeeding to become the president is that he was a rich dude and he was on the Apprentice so I’ll have to be told this apparent reputation he had. Besides that however, as far as I have seen, these accusations have never went through, they have never been proven factual. Tell me if they actually were but I can’t recall hearing “He’s been proven in court to be a rapist!” so that in itself tells me, he hasn’t. Innocent until proven guilty, he hasn’t been proven guilty yet. And while guilty people have been able to escape justice, two things make me less inclined to believe he is guilty besides the stuff mentioned above. One is the fact that his opposition seemed intent on throwing anything and everything they could at him. From these accusations to Russian Interference to trying to have him impeached and none of these succeeded. The Russian Interference was proven false and he served his full term so he wasn’t impeached and again, I haven’t heard that he was proven to be a rapist. So either Trump has the best lawyers ever and is able to get away with anything or his opposition was trying to get him out of the way and when one thing failed, they simply made up another thing and considering they claimed without evidence that he had Russian Interference and that went no where and then they tried to impeach him and that went no where...seems more like they were looking for anything to get him out of the White House. Also, if he had these amazing lawyers that worked miracles and made all his problems vanish, I feel like he would still be in the White House because these hypothetical perfect lawyers would be able to prove his claims that Biden didn’t really win. He wasn’t proven guilty, in fact all the other things and proved the contrary so I am not just going to accept it because a bunch of people said so. Given how infamous Trump was during his presidency, I have no issue believing people were willing to make up any lies to get him out of office and women can and have lied about rape before. Besides that, from what I have seen, Biden has also been accused of rape and yet unlike Trump this was swept quietly under the rug. I remember hearing about it one day...then nothing. And Biden seems to have a reputation himself as he likes to creepily sniff children and apparently people had to stand between him and women to keep them safe from him so he also has a reputation that would make this accusation seem more valid yet unlike with Trump it was ignored. This as well just makes me think the accusation was politically motivated to make Trump look bad as when it happens to the preferred president no one even attempts to follow through, I think people even told the accuser to shut up about it. So yeah, the fact that to my knowledge it wasn’t proven, the fact that all the other things thrown at him were proven untrue, the sheer amount of things thrown at him during his presidency and the lack of consistency when Biden is in a similar boat leads me to think there is nothing to these accusations besides trying to get Trump out of the White House which failed because he served a full term. If he actually did it, it needs to be proven and if he did it and its proven he needs to rot in jail but on that same note, if Biden actually did it, it needs to be proven and he needs to be out of the White House and in jail himself. The victims need to prove it, we can’t just decide who’s guilty just because people say they are, otherwise anyone and everyone could be a rapist depending on the mood of some asshole looking to lie. I have seen a story where two consenting adults have consenting sex, and an unrelated third party hears about it, claims rape and despite the ‘victim’ saying she wasn’t raped and that it was consensual, the accused was still kicked out of college and declared a rapist when he literally didn’t do anything. This is just one example of how false accusations can cause damage even when clearly wrong, thus I am more inclined to not trust them unless they are proven. If this was proven, show me, if not, then it wasn’t proven and I don’t care if a bunch of people have accused him. I also don’t really care about his reputation because he has a bad reputation for all the shit his opposition is also doing so I am less inclined to take it seriously when it seems like Biden could torture a puppy on live tv and be praised where as Trump could merely walk past a puppy without petting it and be called Hitler. When the four years of Trump’s presidency consisted of people saying literally everything he did was the worst thing ever...I just find it hard to take any criticism seriously, essentially a ‘Boy who cried wolf’ scenario. His opposition cried wolf too much, I no longer believe there is a wolf.

[girls-scenarios]

With You, My Future

Idol: Krystal (f(x))

Prompt: Scenario // f(x)'s Krystal x Fem!Reader // Idol & Soulmate AU // Angst & Fluffy ending tho // Heterochromia - you have one eye of your soulmates eye colour and when you meet you get your own eye colour instead of having two different eye colours.

Writer: Admin Kiwi

A/N: This is LONG. I never expected it to get so long, I swear, but words kept on coming out. I just couldn’t think of a good title. I guess my creative skills end there. I hope this is what you wanted. I also hope that everyone enjoys!

Krystal had always known she was broken. She’d known since the day a kid in her 2nd grade class told her that her eyes were weird and she’d looked into the mirror, finally noticing that she was the only kid she knew with eyes like hers. Eyes that were both the same color. That was the same year that they learned about soulmates. The teacher had explained that everyone had their soulmates eye color in one eye, and the other students had looked back at her and whispered behind their little hands as she tried to cover her face with her arms.

“Listen, Krystal. There’s nothing wrong with being different,” her mother had told her, running her thin fingers through Krystals hair as she cried into her pillow. But Krystal knew she didn’t mean it. She’d noticed the worried looks her parents threw her way whenever the soulmate issue came up. That fact just made her cry harder, and the next day, she asked if she could move schools and buy contacts. Her parents said yes.

14 years later, Krystal had long stopped wearing the contacts. She’d gotten used to the looks she got from other people, used to the way her employer had looked at her relationship status and then back up to her eyes. Used to the way that she was treated like a mystery. Used to the way the press always wanted to make a big deal out of it. People couldn’t tell if she was taken or not, and being an idol, being taken was a big subject. She was always ignored at clubs and parties by people she didn’t know. People who were looking for their soulmate.

It was the same drill as always. Krystal had agreed to go with her friends to a house party, because it was the end of their promotions and they’d made it. She was leaned up against the wall with a red solo cup in her hand, absentmindedly swirling her drink as she watched her sister Jessica flirt with the girl who was refilling the alcohol. Amber and Luna had disappeared off somewhere as soon as they’d arrived, and Victoria was busy making sure one of the girls she knew didn’t throw up on the new carpet.

“Why do you keep coming t’ parties if you’ve already found your soulmate?” Her eyebrows shot up and she turned her head to see a younger guy squinting at her, swaying slightly on his feet.

“Excuse me?” He rolled his eyes, and she took a swig of her drink, feeling like she was going to need it.

“You’ve got a soulmate, doesn’t that mean you shouldn’t come t’ parties like this? Where is he?” She let out a sigh and shook her head.

“I don’t have a soulmate, buddy.” He stopped swaying for a second as he processed what she said. Then he leaned closer, alcohol so strong on his breath that Krystal had to hold her breath.

“What’cha saying? Your eyes are th’ same color.” He squinted even more than she’d thought would be possible. “Are you messed up or somethin’?” Even though she’d heard the words many times, they still stung. She swallowed the angry retort that rose up in her throat, but before she could come up with a nice way of telling him to fuck off, Amber was standing in front of her.

“Hey, what the fuck, dude,” she said, crossing her arms over her chest and glaring at him. “Mind your damn business. Don’t ask people shit like that.” He wobbled backwards, and another guy, looking extremely embarrassed, grabbed him by the shoulders.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry. He doesn’t have any kind of filter when he’s drunk. I’ll take him away.” Amber gave the drunk guy one last glare before turning her gaze to the man behind him. Krystal recognized him, he’d been over to Amber’s at some point to play basketball.

“It’s okay, Chanyeol. Just. Get him away before I punch him.” Chanyeol sent an apologetic look at Krystal as he shoved the other man, who had started staring at his cup, away.

“I’ll make sure he apologizes, I swear. I’m so sorry.” She waved her hand and shook her head, shrugging her thin shoulders.

“Don’t worry about it, man. Happens all the time.” She took another swing of her drink as Chanyeol apologized yet again before disappearing with the other man in the crowd. Amber knocked her shoulder with her fist.

“You should really stop being so nice about it. Those kind of questions are just plain rude. It’s none of their business.” Krystal looked down at the remaining alcohol in her cup. She really didn’t know what she was even drinking.

“I’m just used to it at this point. People don’t always have bad intentions, they’re just confused. Most people have never met anyone like me.” Amber stomped her foot slightly and pulled Krystal away from the wall.

“Still. It pisses me off. Come on, I need a drink, and you’re coming with me.” Krystal whined as Amber grabbed her hand and pulled her away.

“But it’s a flirt fest over there,” she said, looking at her sister, who was now standing beside the girl instead of across the bar from her. Amber didn’t seem to care, walking right up to the counter and grabbing herself a cup. Within seconds, she’d downed the alcohol and was wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, sighing happily. Jessica laughed when she threw the cup at the trashcan and missed, and Luna appeared behind them, eyebrows furrowed.

“Amber, remember what happened last time you kept drinking like that?” Amber shrugged her shoulders and grabbed another cup, leaning into Luna’s side as Luna wrapped an arm around her to steady her.

“I don’t care. We’re here to have fun and it was spoiled by Chanyeol’s dumbass friend being rude to Krystal.” Immediately, Luna’s face changed.

“Where’s the little shit at, I’ll beat him with my high heel.” Krystal laughed awkwardly and grabbed a cup for herself, downing it like Amber had and coughing as she threw it towards the trashcan. It went in, and Jessica and the girl beside her cheered.

“It’s fine, really. Chanyeol took him away, I’m okay.” Luna looked over at her with soft eyes.

“Are you sure?”

“Positive,” Krystal replied. “Now can we please move on from this and enjoy the night?” She looked over Luna’s shoulder at Victoria, who was holding back someone’s hair as they puked into pink trashcan. She was pretty sure the girls name was Sunny, and that she’d met her at the last party in a situation exactly like this. “On second thought, I’m gonna go ahead and just go back to our dorm.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Jessica said, leaning forward over the counter. Krystal nodded.

“I swear, guys. I’m just a little drained right now.” She smiled. “I’ll see you all tonight. Oh, and Jessica?” She turned back to look at her sister. “Good luck.” Her sister’s face bloomed into a red color and Krystal laughed as she walked away, pushing her way through people to get to the door. As she was slipping on her previously discarded shoes by the door, Sulli appeared by the door, smiling widely.

“Let me walk you back. You’re drunk.” Krystal snorted and looked up at her.

“And I can never tell if you’re drunk or not.” Sulli laughed, and reached down her hands to help her up.

“I only had one drink tonight, I’m pretty much sober.” Krystal let her help her up and Sulli looped their arms together as she pulled open the door.

“I guess I’ll let you walk me home, then,” Krystal said. Throwing one last look over her shoulder, Krystal stepped outside and let the door slam behind her. Sulli leaned her head against her shoulder as they began the short walk to the elevators. Their dorm was only a few floors above.

“I know you’re sure that you’re okay, but I’m going to give you some ice cream that I’ve been hiding in my mini freezer anyway, okay?” Krystal chuckled and let her head fall on top of Sulli’s.

“Thanks.”

When Krystal woke up the next morning, the calendar beside her bed was glaring at her. Christmas was right around the corner. She typically didn’t like going out during the holiday season all that much. People assumed she had a soulmate and it made her a target whenever she went out alone. When Amber had proposed the idea of them going shopping together a few days earlier, Krystal had scoffed.

“Two people with matching eyes? We’re basically asking to get attacked.” Amber rolled her eyes. 

“Well I can’t go with Luna, I’m buying a present for her. And it would have the same effect.”

“You could bring Sulli or Victoria. Or literally any of your guy friends, since they’re all hopeless.” Amber scoffed.

“I’ll have you know that Kibum just found his soulmate. It’s a guy named Minho, and he’s very sweet.”

“One down, how many more to go?” With a sigh, Amber leaned back on her bed.

“Listen, I’ll ask other people to go with us too. If we go in a big group, I can bring Luna and you guys can distract her while I get a gift. Just come out with us.”

“Why? The only people I need to buy presents for are you guys, and you’ll all be there.”

“Because it’s Christmas, Krystal. And Christmas is a time when friends hang out together.”

“We hang out all the time anyway,” Krystal pointed out. Amber stood from her bed and crossed her arms.

“Oh come on, Krystal. Just come. Please?” Amber gave her some of her best puppy dog eyes, and Krystal caved.

That was how she ended up standing here at the entrance to the mall, glaring down at the phone clutched in her freezing fingers and trying to psych herself up enough to step inside and make the trip alone to the food court where everyone would be waiting. Just the thought of it made her shiver.

“Krystal, hey Krystal!” She turned around to see a familiar face heading towards her. And behind him, an unfamiliar face.

“Kibum. Man, am I glad to see you.” He grinned as he walked up to her, opening his arms for a hug that she gladly accepted. When she pulled away, she locked eyes with the other man and he waved.

“Krystal, this is Minho. My soulmate.” She smiled and stuck out her hand, and he shook it.

“Nice to meet you. I really never thought Kibum would meet his match. You truly are a brave man.” Kibum let out an embarrassed whine and hit her lightly on the shoulder, making her laugh.

“We haven’t seen each other in weeks and this is the welcome back you give me?” He huffed and grabbed his soulmates hand. “I guess we’ll just let you walk through the mall alone then.”

“No, no, I’m sorry, Kibum.” He laughed and nudged her shoulder, and Minho, although he probably didn’t really understand, laughed as well.

“Like I’d ever actually do that. Come on, let’s go find the others.”

The others were standing in front of the pizza parlor, Sulli with her face pressed against the glass looking in, drooling a bit. Amber waved her hands wildly when she spotted them, and Luna tried to hide her face with a hand over her eyes. Victoria laughed, and tried again to pull Sulli away from the window. Chanyeol stood behind them, standing out with his tall and gangly frame. Beside him stood a tiny man that Krystal remembered as Kyungsoo, and the quiet guy named Mark was leaning against the window beside Sulli, looking at him phone.

“I thought you guys would never get here. We’ve been waiting for ages,” Amber said, putting her hands on her hips.

“More like minutes,” Luna added.

“And we’re hungry,” Sulli said from where Victoria had finally managed to detach her from the restaurant window. Victoria shook her head.

“You’re the only hungry one, Sulli. How many times do I have to tell you to eat your breakfast before you go somewhere?” As Victoria spoke, Krystal looked around at the group.

“Wow, you really got everyone that you could.” Amber grinned.

“And Jackson’s not even here yet. Maybe this way we’ll intimidate the kiosk people,” Amber said. Luna rolled her eyes, but said nothing, wrapping her arm affectionately through Amber’s.

“So are we not ready to go yet?” Chanyeol asked from behind Amber. When his eyes met Krystal’s, he smiled sheepishly, but she gave him a smile to know that there were no hard feelings.

“Not yet,” Mark said as he moved away from the window. “Although Jackson’s inside the mall, so he should be here any second.”

“Knowing him, he’ll probably get lost or get into some kind of trouble,” said Kibum. Then he pulled Minho forward and smiled proudly. “Everyone, meet my soulmate.” With a laugh, everyone cheered.

“So you’re in third place,” Chanyeol teased. “Amber and Luna are first, and Kyungsoo and I are second.” Since when had Chanyeol had a soulmate? Krystal looked over the tiny man beside him and her eyebrows went up in wonder. Who would have thought?

“Jackson got distracted by a toy store. We might as well head that way and meet him there,” Mark said, shoving his phone into his pocket. Amber threw her free arm up in the air and whooped.

“Let’s go, everyone! Operation Christmas Friendship is in session.” Sulli looked at Victoria in confusion.

“Since when are we on an operation?” Victoria shrugged.

“It’s Amber, we might as well just go along with it.” Krystal ended up falling in line beside Victoria as Sulli ran ahead to talk to Mark. The mall was packed with people everywhere she looked, and she felt a little bit more comfortable standing beside her longtime friend.

“How long do you think it’ll take us to all get split up somehow?” She asked her, keeping her eyes on Amber’s newly dyed blonde hair. Victoria looked down at her watch.

“I’m going to bet on 30 minutes, tops.” 

“I’m saying more 20 minutes. Chanyeol and Kyungsoo look restless, and Kibum and his soulmate are giving each other heart eyes.” Kibum, from behind Krystal, shoved her shoulder a bit, making her laugh.

“Why are you being mean to me today, Krystal?” He whined, pouting.

“Because I love you a lot and I’m happy for you, Kibum.” He rolled his eyes, but seemed to accept her answer.

“Whatever. Walk faster or we’re going to lose everyone else.”

20 minutes later, Krystal had grown bored of dodging the press and listening to Amber babble about something with Mark, and had wandered into a little store with cute clothing and things with cats on them. Victoria had told her where the group was going next, so she wasn’t that worried about catching back up with them. She also wasn’t worried about press or kiosk owners, because it was just something small, with no advertisements directed at soulmates. As she wandered around the store, smiling at the wallets and purses with cats embroidered on the front, someone at the checkout desk caught her eye.

You stood behind the desk looking down at what was probably your phone, hair falling down over your eyes. You seemed just as bored as Krystal felt, and Krystal understood why. The small store looked like it didn’t get too busy, even with the rush of customers milling around outside. You were wearing a sweater that was a bit too big, and the sleeves hit your mid palms, and she felt warm just looking at you. Subconsciously, she looked into one of the little jewelry mirrors to make sure that she looked okay, even though she knew that her stylist would never let her go out looking anything less than perfect.

You glanced up at her when she walked near the desk, and your eyes made contact. Immediately, you put down your phone and smiled.

“Hello, can I help you with anything?” Krystal shrugged her shoulders, looking around and trying to be nonchalant. It was weird, being flustered over someone. She wasn’t one to get flustered.

“Oh, not really. I’m just looking around. Some of my friends dragged me here and I can’t leave until they do.” You looked at her as she got closer, and your eyes widened in recognition.

“Oh, you’re...” Krystal put a finger to her lips and winked.

“Let’s not let the press figure out I’m here, yes? It’ll be our own little secret.” You nodded, still looking a bit shocked, and Krystal began to play with one of the cat plushies near the register.

“Um, but why are you here? If you don’t mind me asking, I mean.” Krystal let out a quiet laugh as she looked down at the cute cat face in her hands.

“I needed a break. It’s nice and quiet in here, and the press followed all my loud friends instead of hounding me. And there aren’t any soulmate kiosk workers in here.” You leaned your elbows against the counter.

“Soulmate kiosk... Are you taken?” Krystal shook her head quickly, squeezing the plushie in her hand a bit tighter.

“Nope. Just born this way, with two of the same color eyes.” The calculator that had been sitting on the counter by your elbow clattered to the floor as you stood up straight, eyes wide.

“What?” Krystal jerked her head up, surprised by your reaction.

“I’m sorry?”

“You too?” Krystal stared at you, mouth slightly open.

“You mean you were born like this too?” She asked, and took a closer look at your eyes. It was true. They were like hers, both a dark brown.

“I didn’t think there was anyone else,” you said, hands fisting around the ends of your sweater. Krystal dropped the cat back into the tray it had been in.

“Me neither. I didn’t know. I was told it was a once in a million thing.” You slowly brought a hand up to your eyes, touching the slight bags underneath them and staring into Krystal’s. Her throat suddenly felt a bit too small.

“Could this mean...?” Before you could finish your sentence, Amber burst into the store, calling Krystal’s name. The two of you jumped, and Amber’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion when she saw the look on Krystal’s face. Still, she grabbed her wrist.

“Come on, Krystal. We have to go. The press has pretty much stormed the area, and our manager called. He’s pissed at us for going out without security,” Amber said, tugging Krystal away.

“But- Wait, Amber. I mean, we have Chanyeol and Mark.”

“Not enough. We gotta go now.” You stood silent, shell-shocked, and Krystal looked over her shoulder as Amber dragged her away. She really, really didn’t want this to be the end of it, but all she could manage to do was raise a hand and wave in goodbye. After a second, you waved back.

It didn’t hit her what had happened until she was being escorted into a car by her manager and Amber. Then it hit her so hard that her knees buckled as she climbed in the van and she ended up on the floor. Amber grabbed her by her shoulders to keep her from face-planting into the floor and stared, worried. Already in their seats, Victoria and Luna were leaning forward, asking her if she was okay.

“Oh my god, Amber. Oh my god,” she gasped. Amber tried to pull her into her seat, eyes wide.

“Oh my god what, Krystal? You’re not making any sense.” 

“Oh my god. Amber, I think that was my soulmate. You just dragged me away from my soulmate. Oh my god, what if I never see her again.” Sulli was suddenly sitting beside Krystal, leaning in close. Krystal hadn’t even noticed her getting in the car.

“You met your soulmate?” She asked, and Krystal put her head in her hands, covering her eyes, letting out a pained groan.

“I don’t know. I think so. She- she had the same eyes as me. They were the same, but she said that she was born like that. Like me.” Luna shot a look at Victoria.

“You really think...?” Victoria kept her eyes on Krystal, gaze sharp.

“Maybe. Actually, probably,” she said. Amber slumped into the only seat left and clutched at her hair.

“Had I known, I wouldn’t have pulled you away like that. I’m so sorry.” Krystal whimpered and Sulli rubbed her back, while Victoria reached up to pat Amber’s shoulder.

“Don’t feel bad, Amber. There’s no way you could have known. Plus, if they’re soulmates, they’ll find each other again. Right?” Krystal couldn’t listen anymore and closed her eyes tight, trying not to think about her absolute bad luck keeping the only hope of normalcy away from her.

It was a whole week later when it finally happened. All week, Krystal had been nervous and restless, always tapping her feet and biting at her lip so much that she’d torn it and her stylist had reprimanded her. Amber had been apologetic the entire time as well, but Krystal had stopped being angry at her seconds after it happened. Now she was just scared.

“What happens if I never see her again?”

“You can always go back to the mall with a body guard,” Luna said as she fixed her bangs in the mirror. Victoria nodded in agreement, making her stylist wrinkle her nose and tell her to sit still once again. 

“At least you know where she works. You can go back and visit her. And I’m sure she knows who you are,” Victoria said. Krystal sighed and looked down at her newly painted nails. She just wanted to pick at the polish, but she knew they had to stay intact until at least the end of the fanmeet. Amber noticed her fingers itching to pick and reached over, holding her hands in her own.

“The soulmate thing isn’t just going to leave you in a lurch. The fact that you’re feeling restless right now is proof that you’re soulmates. When Luna and I first met, I felt anxious just leaving her for a second. Then we noticed that our eyes matched, and when that happened, our eyes went to our normal color and I stopped feeling anxious.”

“I’m not going to have any proof, though. Our eyes... they’re the same.” Amber sighed and pulled Krystal closer. 

“It’s not as much about the color of your eyes, but how it feels inside. I swear, Krystal. You’ll just know.” Sulli, who sat on the other couch, reading a magazine, nodded along to Amber’s words.

“Well,” she said, flipping the thin page. “I don’t know what it’s like to have a soulmate yet, but I figure the whole thing will work itself out. I mean, people with soulmates in different countries have met, why should yours be any different.” Krystal smiled weakly at her bandmates.

“Thanks, guys. I feel better.” Sulli kept nodding her head, and Luna smiled at Krystal widely.

“Don’t worry. You’ve got this, tiger.”

“Girls,” their manager interrupted, “it’s time to get ready to go onstage. Is everyone ready?” The stylist let the last curl fall into place on Victoria’s head, and then they all stood, shuffling towards the door and adjusting their outfits to make sure they fit right. As their manager opened the door, and they heard the sounds of their fans calling their names, Krystal felt her chest squeeze ever tighter in her chest. And then she stepped onstage, plastered on a smile, and waved.

Fansigns were easy. Krystal loved connecting with the fans, and she’d long memorized the words to say and how to quickly put her signature on whatever they wanted her to sign while happily accepting their gifts. So there was no reason she should feel uneasy, but she did. Her stomach felt tight, and even after the first line of people, it wasn’t getting any better. In fact, it was only getting worse. Just as she was about to ask her manager if she could step offstage to regroup herself, a familiar face stepped in front of her, and the pain vanished.

“Hello again,” you said, giving her a shy smile. Krystal’s mouth fell open and stayed that way for a good two seconds before she could process that you were real and standing in front of her.

“H-hello. Where did we leave off last time we saw each other?” Her throat was dry, but she couldn’t swallow, and her heart was trying to climb out of her chest. You looked around at the other people around you and lowered your voice.

“I think we were saying that we might be soulmates.” Immediately, Krystal’s heart melted. The room stopped doing cartwheels and everything that she’d been so worried about earlier disappeared, leaving her feeling warm and giddy. She couldn’t help the smile that spread over her face.

“Well, I sure hope so.” You slid a piece of paper over to her with your number on it, and with it, the plushie cat she’d been looking at, and smiled.

“Text me, soulmate?”

“Of course. I can’t wait.” The line had to move again. You lifted your hand and waved, and Krystal waved back, watching as you walked down off the stage until the next person in line cleared their throat and she was back. Back to their normal fansign. But now the pain was gone, and she felt completely and utterly at ease. She smiled easily, and signed the next album.

After the signing was over and they were behind a closed door, Krystal immediately pulled out her phone and the little piece of paper from you that she’d slipped into her pocket when no one was looking. Quickly, she typed in your number, then a message, and hit send.

Hey, this is Krystal. Your soulmate.

Seconds later, a reply.

Hello soulmate, this is (Y/N). I can’t wait to love you.

[wingletblackbird]

The Life and Times of the Diabetic

Okay, I’ve just been made aware that November is Diabetes Awareness Month. I feel like I have a sacred duty. For all of you possibly pre-diabetic folk out there here are the warning signs that you might have just joined the Diabetes Club:

Blurred Vision

Drowsiness/Lack of Energy

Frequent Urination-Especially at Night

Increased Thirst

Increased Hunger (Although sometimes it can manifest as diminished appetite)

Weight Change

Tingling in Hand and Feet

Frequent or Recurring Infections

Cuts and Bruises That are Slow to Heal

If you are a new diabetic, you may not get all of the above symptoms, but if you have enough you should start to go: Hey, maybe I’m diabetic?! Don’t do what I did, folks. I was studying an intense summer accelrated calculus course, so I thought: blurred vision? I’m studying too much. Tired? I’m studying to much. Frequent urination? It’s because I always have a glass of water with me since I once passed a kidney stone! It never even occured to me to, you know, go to the doctor and get myself checked out. It’s even more stupid in my case because my paternal grandmother was Type I. I just figured, heck, I’m 19, average age of onset is 14, if I haven’t gotten it by now… Well, no. Listen guys, YOU’RE NOT INVINCIBLE!!!

What if You Ignore the Symptoms?

If you are like me though, too dense, or unlucky, or whatever to get your diagnosis in a sensible length of time. The consequences will be DKA which could lead to your diagnosis in the ER, like me, or death, which fortunately did not happen to me-but it almost did!

DKA, diabetic ketoacidosis is when you have excessive sugar in your blood, since you have little to no insulin to break it down, and as a result your blood gets filled up with ketones which turn your blood acidic. It’s highly painful, very dangerous, and if not treated: You will slip into a coma and die! To avoid this, if you have been late figuring things out, these are your Red-Alert-go-to-the-ER warning signs

Vomiting

Chest Pain

Rapid Breathing

Abdominal Pain

Extreme Fatigue-you can barely bring yourself to move

Extreme Difficulty Concentrating

Unbelievable thirst

Flushed Face

Breath That Smells “Fruity”

Headache

If you receive these symptoms GO TO THE ER. Please, dear reader, do NOT do what I did, and assume that the rapid breathing, and chest pain is because you are having an asthma attack, and go home to sleep it off. YOU MIGHT NOT WAKE UP!!! Fortunately, I didn’t fall asleep, as I suddenly threw up, that was my first clue, (I am such an idiot), that something was wrong. If this happens to you, do not wait until morning to call your grandparents to drive you to the ER. CALL 911. I know. I know. It’s strange to think of calling an ambulance for yourself, but trust me: Better safe than sorry, and you are far from safe if you have the above symptoms.

I walked into the ER under my own power, and was told I was a medical miracle. My blood sugar was 32.4 and my ABG, (blood pH basically, no pun intended), was 6.38. For those of you who are not in the medical field, a blood sugar level of 30 is basically give up and die, you’re dead, territory, and a blood pH of 7.3-7.4 is normal, with 7.2 being already an emergency, and 6.38 being the lowest a comatose patient has ever been known to survive, (or so the medical community has told me at any rate). I let myself pass out in the ER, after I got my diagnosis; I was unconscious for sixteen hours. I had three nurses working on me the whole time; I was on so many IVs, my forearms were bruises, and I was in ICU for three days, which was actually rather short for how bad I was when I came in. DO NOT DO WHAT I DID. Be safe, and sensible. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, or several pounds really, or dollars: You’ll be paying for insulin now, but, hey, at least you’re alive!

What to Know if You Have a Diabetic Acquaintance

Alright, for those of you lucky ones who do not have diabetes, here’s a really nice do not: DO NOT TELL THEM YOLO, at least not in the context of “have that cookie.” You see, we are already struggling with the temptation; we don’t need that kind of encouragement. These one time moments build up, and if you don’t take proper care of yourself as a diabetic here’s what’ll happen:

Kidney Failure

Blindness

Nerve Damage

Amputation of Limbs

A Slow Painful Death

Please don’t be like my step-grandmother who tells me to live my best life now, and eat whatever the h*ll I like, because if I do that, I won’t have a best life to live! I will be on kidney dialysis, best case scenario. I’ll be honest, guys, it sucks to be diabetic, and we need people in our life to say, are you sure about that cookie? Or just to accept that we can’t eat as much of your birthday cake as we would like to, that we can’t eat ice cream, and we may have to turn down that beer. It sucks, but that’s life: and we want to have it even if it’s sucky.

For those of you who are diabetic though: Look at the one bright side!!! I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s gone to a friends house, seen something truly vomit-inducing on the menu, and said, “I’m so sorry; I’ll have to pass on that; I’m not sure how many carbs are in it..” It’s our one perk, we can’t eat junk food like we want, but at least we don’t have to eat other people’s gross food!!! (Oh no, I made you non-diabetics wise to us! lol ;)

Here’s another thing to be aware of. As dangerous as hyperglycemia (high blood sugar is) the opposite hypoglycemia can be just as deadly. Lows are often taken care of by getting some quick sugar. (Yes! I can finally drink that glass of Apple Juice!!!) However, sometimes we diabetics can get “hypoglycemia unawareness.” This is very rare, but happens when our body doesn’t catch the signs of low blood sugar; we don’t realise we have it, and we pass out. If you have a diabetic friend who has slurred speech, shaking extremities, sudden mood swings, is acting a bit high or drunk, ask them to check their blood sugar: You may save their life. If they do pass out though, call 911, and get some sugar into them if you can. Something viscous like honey can be placed in their mouth, so that they don’t choke on it, and may help bring them around. Check their bags first though, they may have sugar gel, or a glucagon injection (the opposite of insulin, it raises blood sugar) in their bag for emergencies like hypoglycemia unawareness. Trust me, they will have a bag or a briefcase with them. We need to to carry all our junk: Insulin pens, needle tips, lancets, a glucometer, test strips, sugar tablets, etc. 

If You’re Actually Quite Close to a Diabetic

We may try to hide it from you, and oftentimes we are so used to it ourselves that we don’t even think of it, but it really is hard to live with a chronic illness. We will have a bad day sometimes. That day where our blood sugar just won’t cooperate and we feel awful, and we remember that we are literally staving off death everyday. If we don’t check our blood sugar, if we don’t take our injections, drink our juice when needed, we don’t get to live. We die: Plain and simple. I know we can make it look easy, and you can get used to anything. Sometimes I can’t remember what it’s like not to be diabetic, but, boy, is it hard when I do remember. I’m a few missed injections away from a coma. I have cried over it. It’s a tough pill to swallow sometimes.

Sometimes we’re going to envy you. Most of us won’t bring it up; we don’t want to ruin your joy, but it can be hard to go to a movie, and everyone buys pop, and you remember the glory days when you could have drunk a bottle, and not risked your life. It’s tough. It’s human. We want what we can’t have. Don’t take this the wrong way: we want you to enjoy your bottle of pop, da*nit, if we can’t enjoy it, you’d better enjoy it double! but there are days when it is hard for us. So if you don’t have diabetes, next time you drink some juice, or eat anything, take a moment to savour the fact that you don’t have to worry about how your body will cope with it. It is a blessing you will take for granted until you’ve lost it. 

For those of us who are diabetic. Be proud. We fight death everyday. We defy it. Look into the mirror and know that you are a survivor. We all are. We are our own pancreas, and that takes grit. We savour life in a way that most don’t, because they don’t live everyday with the knowledge of how fragile it is. Remember that when you have to jab yourself with that needle. You survived. You still survive: You go live on your borrowed time to the fullest!

Government Policy

For those of you against tax credits for diabetics, or better health care, you know, that sort of thing. Please remember that I am in no way responsible for my health condition, and that it isn’t preventable. Please remember that I am a struggling student, and I have to pay for my test strips, needle tips, lancets, batteries, insulin etc. out of pocket, as I don’t receive full coverage. Please be aware that I have to worry about my future career, because I am unlikely to get coverage, and I need to be sure I can make enough to keep myself alive. It isn’t my fault, but I suffer for it enough without that kind of added pressure. Kindly understand that if I cannot afford to buy my medication, and equipment my disease will go from chronic to terminal. Without my insulin, I will be dead in a month. Just something for you to consider…

And on that happy note: Happy Diabetic Awareness Month. I hope this was helpful to you! :D

[mirajens]

I loved you on a lonely night

characters: erza, jellal, gray (some jerza, some grayza, some graytear) rating: m genre: angst found on ff.n

The consequences of love as a vice.

Erza Scarlet was supposed to be married by now. It was July third and the clock just struck two in the afternoon. The ceremony would have been done by now and they'd be on their way to the reception. She'd have been trying hard not to cry as she admired the new silver band on her left ring finger. She'd have been cutting her way through well-wishers to admire the wedding cake her should have been husband had commissioned for her.

Erza Scarlet should have been married by now. Instead, she was looking for her panties around a dark room, trying hard not to wake a man that smelled like alcohol and fading cologne on her bed.

Circling back to the beginning (or perhaps the end?) found Erza five months ago in what was supposed to be her marital home, trying to have a conversation with her fiancé (or, she supposed, ex-fiancé; he was trying to break up with her after all). And she said trying because Gray wouldn't look at her. He kept finding interesting patches on the blank wall, it seemed.

Erza remembered everything Gray said. And he said quite a lot so it was surprising to remember all of it. Erza imagined it was like what multiple gunshots felt like: how painful, how shocking; was she really remembering so vividly how the bullets pierced her flesh and bore into her bones, reverberating through body, through soul, until she thought it was unbearable but she kept bearing it anyway, kept taking bullet after bullet, word after word of why Gray couldn't stay, of why he didn't love her anymore.

Yes, Erza could tell you exactly how it all went down. She could even tell you about the laughable scenario with Gray on the side of the bed that would have been his had he taken the vows of a husband. But now, what was he but a man on her bed, not even a lover, not yet an ex.

(And what did they call that? What was the term for the twilight of a relationship?)

Gray said, "You want too much from me, Erza. And that's what I can't stand. I have nothing to give you, no feelings to spend on you, no desire to play house."

And so Erza countered, "Is this because I lost the baby? The doctor told you it was an accident."

Erza had miscarried three nights ago. It was what she thought Gray meant by "let's not get married," as in she thought he wanted her to rest and not because he'd been seeing some other woman during the whole engagement. But that was beside the point. The point was that Erza had woken up from her after work nap, bleeding through her house clothes, feeling an acute pain in her abdomen and trying to breathe around a lump that lodged itself in her throat. Maybe women were born with the knowledge of what losing a baby felt like, or maybe it was a preternatural sense much like how a woman knew her menses were coming or how they knew their partners were cheating. Erza had known what was happening to her even before they reached the ER so when Gray pulled over in front of the driveway and helped her wobble to the reception desk, she very calmly told the nurse that she was miscarrying.

Of course, she'd been right.

"It has nothing to do with that, Erza, for Christ's sake." Now Gray's face was contorted, as if he'd just bitten into a lemon. "I wish you'd stop calling it that." A baby, he meant. "It was a fetus at six weeks. Hardly a baby. You didn't even know you were pregnantꟷ"

"I didn't know I was pregnant until it was just a smear between my legs? So you've said."

"Yes." That was how he'd put it the night they came home from the emergency room. Erza wondered if he was trying to be clinical to spare her, or if he was just a hyper developed dickhead. Even now, she hated to believe the latter. He scratched his head as if he was having a hard time being patient with a dim child as opposed to discussing the baby. "I don't understand how you can feel so… maternal over a clump of cells. A clump of cells, I'll remind you, that you didn't even know existedꟷ"

"Until it was just a smear between my legs? Yes, you don't need to say that again. You sound like a broken record."

Gray regarded her with wariness, maybe to see if he did need to remind her one more time. Erza was pretty sure she would clock him if he did.

"So that's it? I lost the baby, we're not getting married and you're leaving me for thatꟷI don't know what her name isꟷthat man-stealing harlot?"

Gray sighed. "Erza, she didn't steal me. I'm not candy on a shelf. People can't steal people from lovers."

"Oh, surely. They only fuck men set to be wed. Men about to be fathers. Not a thief, surely. Something worse."

Erza could tell he wanted to correct her. Gray thrived off arguments. He thrived off being right, even when he wasn't. Maybe he was going to tell her, "I never wanted to marry you anyway, Erza. And I wasn't about to be a father. Not to the clump of cells you didn't even know you hadꟷ"

Which she would trustily continue, "Until it was a smear between my legs? Yes, I know, I know."

Thankfully, he didn't speak. He looked tired. Gray hated it when he was made out to be the bad guy even if it was him leaving his recently miscarried bride-to-be for some man-stealing harlot. What he said came back to her at that moment. He'd said, "I can't be with you anymore because it makes me feel like a villain about this whole thing," and the responding thoughts in Erza's mind had been sarcastic. Oh so YOU feel bad?

Gray picked up his jacket off the foot of the bed. Then, he turned to study the bedroom littered with boxes of his things and hers. It had taken so much to convince him to move into a new place together. Now, it was all for nothing. Erza thought that right now, he looked like a gentrifier that staked bloody claim on a virgin land before deciding that it wasn't something he wanted anyway.

"Look, I know this is shitty. I'll have Natsu pick my stuff up, okay? You need some space. And ah… I can pay you back for all the expenses we can't refund. We can work it out."

Erza wondered if this was some sort of alimony for the almost wife. Kind of like: I'm sorry I played with your feelings. Allow me to pay off the wedding we're not having anymore.

Gray hovered by the end of the bed, just a few steps away from where Erza sat and he couldn't even give her any physical comfort after turning her life on its head. Or any comfort at all. But it wasn't like she expected a whole lot from Gray Fullbuster at this point.

She wondered if maybe he'd just been looking for a sign all along. Perhaps shed been too blind to see how distant and off put he'd become. It was kind of evil that he'd dump her when she was still bleeding both metaphorically and literally from losing his child.

When Gray walked out the door, Erza cried for a whole half hour, got angry for twice that time, and then was calm by six pm. She thought: I can't be a mess now. I have dinner to make and a wedding to cancel.

Fast forward to now, wherein Erza ended up in bed with someone else. For what did scorned women do anyway? Take up crochet and vengefully make scarves? Adopt a hoard of cats? Get phoenix tattoos? Develop a vice problem? All of that seemed too textbook to Erza so she went a step above (or below, depending on how you looked at it) and fucked her best friend.

For the record, she didn't mean to do it.

She didn't mean to do many of the things she's done recently, and she couldn't even make herself feel better by blaming it all on tequila: the stale taste in her mouth, the pounding behind her eyes, the nausea rolling in her gut, the man sleeping on what would've been Gray's side of the bed.

Erza had A History with Jellal, the man in question. One so jam-packed with complication and confusion, she could call it nothing other than A History. It went something like: they used to date, he left the country all of a sudden, Erza got pissed, Jellal came back and she was already dating someone else and three more years of it never being the right time and them never being the right people for each other. It got tiring, so they decided to just be friends. Friends had no right to long for friends so they didn't. After a while, it took root. Nowadays, Erza only ever felt a phantom kind of yearning when she saw Jellal, easy enough to ignore. It was like breaking a limb and never fully trusting it to not hurt ever again.

Now, they had slept with each other. Erza wasn't naïve enough to believe that this would be without complications. People just did regrettable things when they were hurting. Jellal probably wouldn't have gone through with it either, were it not for the fact that he, too, was going through heartache. Gray's man-stealing harlot (Ultear, Erza remembered. Satan had a name after all) had been and probably still was the object of Jellal's questionable affections (and Erza said questionable because as far as she was aware, the two of them got high and fucked and that was it) until said harlot decided that who she wanted was a man who wasn't on the market.

Really, what was it about men in a committed (ha!) relationship that made them so desirable? And Erza didn't buy into the "loving someone you can't have" bit. Please. No love was supposed intrusive or malicious as to impose on morality and rationality. If anything, this Ultear woman probably just had a bad case of being an asshole.

Life went in circles. In a darker sentiment, life was a bitch that played games on perfectly nice people and gave happiness to people that didn't deserve it. Erza might not have made it a point to whine about what was fair or unfair but she supposed now was a good time as any.

"Do you think they really are in love?"

This was the question Erza posed one night, once the air had gone stale with sex and the heavy silence. Picture the scene: Erza on her back by the foot of the bed, limbs tangled with the scandalously sweaty sheets, chest rising and falling gentler than it had been some ten minutes ago from the latest physiological cork popping, watching Jellal rummage through the same nightstand that housed his condoms and snack stash for the wrinkled box of Marlboros.

Erza remembered from their youth, he'd decided to smoke one day and despite her annoyance, she'd gone with him to buy a pack. The red of the packaging caught his eye, and it was all he'd smoked ever since, foregoing testing his predilection on anything else. She remembered being cross because she thought it was such an out of the blue thing to wake up one day and decide to want to be a smoker then finding out weeks later that his hard-faced father had taken to beating him and smoking might not solve his problems and smoking might not numb the pain one bit but people who suffered turned to vice. She never said anything about it since, even if she still instinctively scowled when she saw him light up.

"More lousy pillow talk, Erza?" Jellal settled back against his headboard with a roll of his eyes. "I thought we agreed that we don't ruin oxytocin highs with talk of vile people."

"The same vile people you and I imagine when we're together like this?" Erza never learned how to mince her words. "And anyway, I never agreed to that. You just started having rules because you were sensitive."

Jellal cocked a brow at her and kicked her shoulder lightly. "I'm sensitive? Ms. Three Minutes?"

"I was trying to match you or I'd never get off." When Jellal only barked out laughter, Erza gestured dismissively. If he was trying to distract her, he had to do a better job. He should have known she was more fixated on her ire when the waves of guilt and shame came crashing down. "Seriously. Do you think they love each other? They must, to go through all that trouble, right?"

Jellal continued mentally with a list of Gray's crimes. "Sure, Erza. Like you said, that's too much trouble for just sex." Look at us. This is how little effort it takes to scratch an itch. You call up old flames, not make a fiasco of your life. Maybe it was that, or Erza really just couldn't accept that sometimes, people didn't have good reasons to be so bad.

"I don't know. I have trouble believing cheaters are capable of love."

"Sounds like you only want to hear that answer, then, so what are you asking me for?" Jellal could never tell her that her innate noble spirit was not the basic for any other human. He'd loved that about her, but at the moment, he found her puritanism grating.

Erza pushed herself up on her elbows. "Will you cooperate?"

"Not until you put a shirt on. Your breasts are too amazing to inspire conversational thought," he joked. His face, unsmiling as he tapped ashes on an ugly ashtray, was at odds with his humor.

"You're impossible." Wanting to hurt, Erza almost said, maybe this is why Ultear left you. But she was low on confidantes so she bit her tongue. No point in losing friends just because she was wound up.

Jellal rolled his eyes again. "No, you're just consumed by this and you're mad that I'm not as invested as you are."

It was rare that her eyes matched the fire of her hair. Erza might have been a wildcard but her demeanor was normally quite placid. Now, wrath lit up her eyes. Her very posture was as taut as a band ready to snap. "Hard not to be invested when I loved the man for four years."

Jellal wanted to say, And I didn't love? Are you the only one here who was discarded like this? What left his lips was something more caustic than angry. "Don't I know the feeling."

It was interesting, how easily the fire of her gaze turned into something icy. Jellal felt sweat bead on his brow. The air got thick, like there were a thousand cruel things that Erza wanted to say but she kept revising the script. He could see in her expression that she was holding back. He half wished she wouldn't so he could lash back.

"I was going to marry Gray, you know? We had our whole lives planned out. A week before he left me, we'd just finished the registry. There weren't any disagreements when we were picking out silverware, or what color and make the sofa would be, or what kind of wood we wanted for the dining table. That, for me, was end sight. I loved what we had and what we would have to come. We were going to have a baby, and I thought there would be more. Do you understand that, Jellal? I was this close to having that life with him, but he decided he didn't want that anymore. And now I have nothing." Muscles tense, Erza gathered her hair over one shoulder, needing something to do with her hands so they wouldn't shake. "So, no, I don't think you know the feeling. Maybe that hard on you had for that woman was love, but you never had what I had. You never lost what I did. I'll be in the shower."

When the bathroom door closed behind Erza, Jellal went downstairs to find some food. He was sure she wouldn't want to see his face when she came out.

Erza came back three weeks later, pretending nothing ever happened. Or, at least, pretending the fight never happened. Maybe that said something about how she couldn't push through completely with any confrontations.

The problem was, Jellal was not as quick to recover from their little spat. When she found him potting some strong smelling plant on his patio, he expressed his disinterest in the takeout she had with her and all but told her to go home.

"Please, Jellal? I want to apologize. I badly want us to be friends again." Despite the lack of welcome, Erza invited herself to sit on the rocking chair so she could watch him brush off potting mix from his jeans.

Jellal looked defeated. Like he didn't want to hear his apology but he was too weary to turn her away. "What did you get?"

That made Erza's lips twitch into a smile. "Breakfast burritos."

"At five PM?"

"There are fish tacos, too." She started taking food out of the bag.

"Wow, you really want to be forgiven." Jellal accepted the foil wrapped burrito and carefully peeled it with his soiled fingers.

"Am I, though? Forgiven, that is."

Jellal jerked a shoulder in answer. Erza scowled and took that as an I'll think about it.

But it seemed the worst was not behind them. The air did not get any lighter when Jellal insisted on eating in silence and simultaneously rehoming his marigolds. Erza was almost disgusted by how he switched from gripping loam to grabbing his burrito. She might have grown up poor but her mother never raised her to act any less proper than any old highbrow.

When Jellal finished with the plants, he set the pots aside and crumpled his foil. He picked up his trash and strode into the house, leaving Erza flabbergasted with her unfinished food.

She followed him inside and found him in the kitchen with a glass of water.

"Want me to heat the tacos up so you can stop acting like a massive ass right now?"

Jellal spared her an acerbic look. "I need a shower." He tried to walk past her but she stood her ground at the doorway. "Excuse me."

She could hear him grinding his teeth as he said it. She glared at him before turning just a bit so he could side step her.

Jellal clomped up the stairs, Erza hot on his heels. He almost told her to fuck off. It was on the tip of his tongue and he could feel his lips moving to accommodate the words but thought better of it. Instead, he continued into his bedroom with the intention of shutting the door on Erza, hoping she would get the hint and just leave him alone.

Her palm caught the wood just before it slammed on her face.

He could feel his aggravation just boiling under his skin. Erza, when she looked at him so daringly and cruelly, reminded him just a bit of Ultear. They were nothing similar in appearance but the stare had the same weight. It was enough to make him grab at Erza's bicep, deliberately punitive. He ignored her pained cry and shoved her against the post of the doorway.

"You can't take a hint and fucking leave me alone?" His face was inches away so she could feel his breath against her lips. She trembled for it, for the whole of him now, and it wasn't for fear.

"Maybe if you spelled it out for me, I would have. But you're too pussy to ever say what you mean, right?" Needing to hurt but unwilling to put her hands on him, Erza aimed the same cutting look at him. "Is that why Ultear left you? She was sick ofꟷ"

He didn't let her finish. Jellal slanted his mouth over hers because it was that or he feared he would have slapped her. He wanted to. He kept his free hand fisted by his side, just in case. Hearing Ultear's name from her made something nasty toil in his gut.

He didn't expect Erza to respond in kind. Her mouth was as pliant as it had never been, hot and giving. The noises she breathed into him made him thicken painfully in his jeans. At that moment, he hated her. And he wanted to possess her.

That evening, he fucked her like she didn't mean anything. He wasn't gentle and she didn't want him to be. He pushed her on the bed and in exacting movements, rid her of her sweet smelling clothes to join the sweaty ones he'd been wearing under the sun since morning. He pulled her hair, bit her, and in turn, she left long scratches on his skin that would leave painful welts for days. They didn't say many words that night but Jellal made sure that Erza knew she couldn't blame him for another man's cruelties.

The morning Jellal woke up with a head pounding from a slew of bad sleeps, Erza was by the foot of his bed putting her underwear back on. Her hair was in a messy knot and there were marks all over her body. She looked like regret, like bitterness; she looked like what shame felt like.

She heard him shift on the bed and sat by his head when she saw he was awake. She'd hoped to make a quiet escape.

"I'm sorry about last night."

"What are you sorry for?" He wanted to hear her say it. He wanted to know if she actually knew what she was apologizing for. Erza often said sorry just to tide his anger over.

"Everything." She said. And Jellal knew that translated to no, I don't know why your panties are in a twist again.

He sighed and just barely resisted rolling his eyes. "Just leave, Erza."

"Yes. Soon. I'm sorry we don't get along. And that these days, it's hard to. I wish this never happened. I liked being your friend." Erza had that sad look in her eyes that Jellal remembered hating seeing. He'd once felt so strongly about never wanting to see anything but a happy glint in them. What happened now, that he couldn't care less, that he thought she deserved to look so down?

"Yeah, well, it takes two to tango. We both should have known better."

"I feel sorry anyway."

"What are you trying to say, Erza?" He hated her little word games. Jellal was never in the mood for them but right now, it was especially unwanted. "Like, really. You're too old to be speaking so vaguely with a guy that you fucked until midmorning."

Erza looked irritated for a blink. She hated how crudely he spoke sometimes. "Things aren't playing out the way I thought they would."

"And what version of events did you have in mind?"

"That I fall in love with you." The twist on her lips was too wry to be a smile. "That we'd save each other from loneliness. And that's silly, isn't it? I think that coming out of this just made me despise you. You're not even trying. You're just having sex with me and being sarcastic when I want comfort."

Jellal almost said: That's not my job. You can't expect someone to fix your life up for you. You don't lose one man and replace him with another. Instead, he said, "So is that it? Is this goodbye, then?"

"I don't know. All I know is that I don't want to see you right now."

Ah. He was quite familiar with the Erza that couldn't commit to a feeling. "I imagine that would be easier if you got out of my house." Jellal shifted onto his back, stuffing a pillow under his head and debating whether he should wait for Erza to leave before he reached for the cigarettes in his night stand or do it now.

Erza forewent a reply. She resumed clothing with an efficiency Jellal appreciated since the air was getting rapidly heavier. He could sense her hesitating by the door of his bedroom but didn't bother looking. In the end, she left without another word and he listened for her steps down the carpeted stairs, then the closing of his front door.

[charlieism]

Holding Hands

Hey friends! Here is a Prinxiety oneshot I wrote on Valentines day. If you read it I hope you think it’s good and that you enjoy it :) You can also find it on Wattpad and AO3.

Anxiety was screaming.

So was Prince.

WHAT HAD MORALITY DONE? IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE VALERIE THAT HE WAS USING TO SHOW THE OTHERS HOW TO GET A VALENTINE'S DATE!

NOT PRINCEY!

NOW THEY WERE HOLDING HANDS!

Anxiety hadn't even realised at first! He'd just assumed Dad had teleported Valerie over to him, it hadn't even clicked that it was Prince's hand he was holding until he realised that he was holding a hand that was slightly too big and slightly too rough to be Valerie's. And when he looked up at Prince, Prince just looked stunned. And then looked back at Anxiety, and they realised what was happening. And Prince started screaming. So Anxiety did too, once he got over the initial shock.

Anxiety was vaguely aware of Logic congratulating Morality, who seemed blissfully unaware of the chaos he had caused.

Evil.

Anxiety was still screaming. He looked from Dad to Prince to Dad to Prince, then realised they were still holding hands. He wrenched his hand out of Prince's hand, who recoiled like he'd been hit. They both flung a look of horror and barely concealed disgust at each other, before simultaneously rounding on Morality.

"Dad! How could you?" Prince wailed. Dad continued playing pat-a-cake with Valerie.

"How could I what, kiddo?" He asked cheerfully.

"For one thing, teleport me! I didn't even know you could do that! How does that even work? How do you teleport another person?" Prince exclaimed. "And secondly, make me hold hands with- with- with Anxiety!" He moaned. Anxiety shook his head vigorously in agreement. For all his mocking and teasing and flirting, Anxiety did not want to be near Prince. Enemies, remember? He just did that stuff to see Prince stammer or falter.

Hey, it worked sometimes!

Morality finally broke away from the clapping game, looking amused. Anxiety was outraged, this wasn't funny!

"But why not? You two are obviously perfect for each other." Anxiety choked on air and Prince stumbled over his own feet.

"E- excuse me?" He cried.

"What? No we aren't! What- why would you even think that?" Anxiety was bewildered; how the heck had Morality come up with that idea? However Logic cleared his throat.

"It's quite obvious, actually, although perhaps you two are incognizant of it." Dad blinked. Anxiety faltered and frowned.

"Uh, what?" Prince asked. Logic sighed.

"Nevermind. But the evidence is all there! It's a reasonable conclusion to come to, actually."

"What evidence? Anxiety and I are the least compatible personalities, I don't understand your reasoning."

"I second that." Anxiety spoke up.

"Would you like some examples? Because I can provide them." Logic snipped. "Take in the fact that yes, you two do often argue about everything, but you also come to an agreement and no argument is left to continue. Of course one could say that that's what all friend do, but you two are supposed to be enemies, correct?" Logic explained. Anxiety sneered.

"That doesn't prove anything." He said scornfully.

"I agree. With that sentence. And the statement it was trying to make." Prince said warily.

"There's also the flirting that we have to deal with. From both sides." Logic said dryly, and continued before Anxiety could protest. "And honestly, you two can't seem to get past the fact that you believe you are opposites and therefore should not interact to actually see that you are constantly interacting." Logic sounded 100% done, and it made Anxiety wonder how long he'd wanted to say that. Dad clucked his tongue.

"Also you two just look so cute together. Aw!" Morality was getting all heart eyed thinking about it.

Disgusting.

Anxiety glanced at Prince, who in turn gazed at him. They both looked each other up and down and wrinkled their noses. The silence in the room grew thick and heavy, settling on shoulders and dragging them down, until it felt like you could cut the air with a knife. Finally Prince jerked a thumb at the corpse of the weird dragon-witch-hybrid thing that was just lying on the floor.

"I, uh, should probably dispose of that now." The others nodded and Prince bit his lip before turning around and gingerly placing his foot on the monster's leg. A moment later they both faded from sight.

"You know, it is Valentine's day. You two would just be so perfect together." Dad sighed. Anxiety rolled his eyes.

"Anxi, seriously. It is painstakingly obvious to Morality and I that you two are basically in love already. Just ask him out!" Logic snapped. Anxiety frowned at him.

"You think Prince likes me?" Anxiety snorted, then backtracked. "Wait, no, you think I like Prince?" Logic raised an unimpressed eyebrow.

"No. I know you like Prince. And he likes you back so can you please get it over with and become boyfriends. Thank you." Logic turned to walk away, and Anxiety could hear him muttering under his breath.

"Goodness, it's like we're 12 year old girls, I am above this." He told himself indignantly, and Anxiety snorted. Logic scowled at him and grabbed Dad's arm.

"Come on, Morality, let's go." Dad smiled at Logic and nodded.

"Okay!" Then he turned to Anxiety. "Best of luck with Prince, although you won't need it. You'll be fine! Oh, gosh, I just love this all so much. They're so cute! Oh my goodness." Morality sighed happily, making Logic groan, and then they were gone, leaving Anxiety standing alone with his thoughts.

It was utterly ridiculous. Completely absurd. Bizarre, ludicrous, preposterous, laughable, all of that. Dad and Logic didn't know what they were talking about.

...

Did they?

Logic was rarely ever wrong, and Dad never got so passionate over something he wasn't sure about. Of course Logic was so unbelievably wrong when it came to Valentine's earlier. In fact they both had been hilariously mistaken. They were probably wrong this time, too. But it made Anxiety think.

Did he really hate Prince? No, of course not. He'd always known that; it was more like extreme dislike. The royal boy had his moments, Anxiety couldn't deny it. He wasn't all bad, although he could be much better. But maybe, like Logic had said, maybe that was just what he trained himself to think? To automatically reject the idea of Prince Sanders because they were polar opposites, and therefore couldn't be together? At all? It was possible. Like, Thomas was literally conditioned to shut the closet door before he went to sleep in fear of the demigorgon, of which probably didn't exist. Probably. So maybe, if he got past the immediate block of don't like Prince, too bright and cheerful and optimistic, maybe he would find something else? Found he... felt something else? Ugh, he sounded so whiny. It couldn't be true, and even if he did, there was no way Prince would ever feel the same way.

Right?

After all, hundreds of Fanders shipped them together, which was still weird, how did they even come up with that? And then there was Thomas, completely unafraid to approach the topic of, what were they all calling it, Prinxiety? Apparently even Thomas was kind of on board with it (although Anxiety thought that was kind of strange because they were both just sides of Thomas' personality, so he was basically shipping himself. Or whatever.) And now Dad and Logic. Could this many people really be wrong? Could they all see something that Prince and Anxiety were too ignorant, t̶o̶o̶ ̶a̶f̶r̶a̶i̶d̶, to see? Anxiety sank back into Thomas' mind to have a long think about everything.

Anxiety didn't know how long it had been, with just him and his tornado of swirling thoughts, but he'd come to a conclusion. Maybe he did like Prince. A little. Although Prince's never ending optimism, his abundance of joy and cheer, his fanciful imagination, wild ideas and often arrogant attitude could be annoying, they could also be endearing or refreshing. (Except for maybe the arrogance. Anxiety still thought Prince could tone that down a bit.) And yes, although the personalities technically all look the same... they don't. Anxiety didn't find Logic or Morality cute. They just seemed different. Prince was, well, hot. Anxiety wasn't gonna lie, the royal boy was charming. And maybe Anxiety, although it was immensely difficult to admit, maybe Anxiety had the tiniest of crushes on him. Anxiety couldn't explain it. Maybe it was just because Prince was so different to himself, it was like every time he had a conversation with Prince he got a new outlook on the world. And it was Valentine's day. Although if Prince said no, Anxiety would probably die of embarrassment, he made up his mind to go find him and possibly ask him out on a date.

It took a while, but eventually he found where Prince was. It was a place deep in the mind, a place where Anxiety had never been before, but he could feel that Prince was this way. All the personalities were connected, because they were essentially the same person. So if Anxiety concentrated hard enough, he could something faint leading him in the direction of Prince. The area Anxiety had wandered into was dark, shadows everywhere but where Anxiety stepped foot, the darkness cold and unforgiving. Anxiety had burrowed down as far as possible in his big black hoodie, the hood pulled right over his head. He was extremely anxious right now, all possible and impossible scenarios running through his head as he tried to see through the dark. Why was Prince here? What was this place? Gosh, Anxiety couldn't even see where he was going. He'd been wandering for ages through the shadows. He could be right about to step off a cliff and he wouldn't even k-

"ANXIETY! STOP!" Prince's voice boomed all around him, and Anxiety flinched violently, stumbling backwards and falling in fright. The shadows separated around him. After the heavy, impenetrable silence he had grown accustomed, to the sudden noise was a shock. Anxiety just sat on the hard ground in a daze for a few minutes, hand over his heart as he tried to steady his breathing. Soon, when he regained all his senses, Anxiety looked around and became aware of something that was glowing faintly making his way towards him.

It looked like it had a humanoid shape as it rushed in his direction. Anxiety suddenly realised it was Prince that shone in the darkness, running towards Anxiety. Anxiety tried to stand up on unsteady legs as Prince got closer. He was standing with his arms wrapped around his waist, as if he was holding himself together, when Prince reached him.

"Anxiety!" Prince immediately gasped, reached out to snag Anxiety's soft hoodie. "What are you doing here? Are you alright? You scared me!" Prince rushed. Anxiety was wide eyed with surprise.

"Um, I came here to find you. I'm fine? And what do you mean I scared you? You scared me!" Anxiety said defensively. Instead of Prince snapping back, as Anxiety had expected, he only looked apologetic, with a hint of fear laced in his expression.

"My apologies, Anxiety, but it was all I could do to stop you. You were about to walk off The Edge." Prince told Anxiety in a hushed time.

"What do you mean, walk off the edge?" He frowned at Prince, who bit his lip. "And why are you glowing?" Sure enough, Prince was still surrounded by a soft golden light that reached out in dim, sparkling beams, and disintegrated the shadows.

"I glow whenever I come here, so I can see where I'm going. I don't know how, it just happens. But Anxiety, you must be careful when you come here!"

"Why?"

"Because Anxiety we're on the edge of Forgetting." Prince seemed deadly serious, and suddenly Anxiety was afraid.

"What?"

"Forgetting. It's a big, endless chasm in Thomas' mind were all things that are forgotten fall into. If you fall in, Anxiety, you'll be forgotten, and there's no coming back. Why are you even here? It's extremely dangerous!" Anxiety gulped.

"Uh.. how far away from the edge was I?" He whispered. Prince shuffled away by only two steps and extended his arm. The faint golden glow was enough to illuminate a sudden drop, where the darkness seemed solid and absolute, impossible to see through or break, and endless, timeless sea of pitch black. Cold seemed to emanate from the chasm, making goosebumps rise on Anxiety's skin. He had been only a few steps away from his doom. It made Anxiety dizzy.

"Oh my goodness... wait, Princey, why were you here?" Anxiety questioned, stepping away from the fall. Prince moved with him.

"I was disposing of the corpse of the Dragon Witch, as I do with all monsters I fight. I push them in here, and they are gone." Anxiety stared at him.

"You come to this place every time you fight a monster? I don't- I don't even like it once! I want to leave! But you keep coming back? That's... actually pretty brave. And stupid. But, yeah, brave." Anxiety stuttered nervously, remembering that he didn't want to offend Prince. And it was the truth; the neverending darkness and danger of this place made Anxiety want to leave as quick as possible and never come back. But suddenly Prince smiled.

His smile was huge, full of delight, and it seemed to light up the shadows. Prince's eyes twinkled happily.

"You think I'm brave? Thank you! I always knew I was courageous, but to hear it from someone else is... a great feeling. Thank you, Anxiety. I do concede, though, it was brave of you to venture here in search of me. May I ask why you did?" Prince's joy and honesty kind of floored Anxiety for a second.

"Oh, uh, yeah, well... you were gone for a while, and... I just, uh, wanted to see if you were okay?"

"You... came to check on me? That's sweet. But we should get out of here." Then Prince grabbed Anxiety's hand, who flinched violently, and teleported them out of there.

When they appeared they were in the lounge, and Anxiety immediately tried to disentangle he and Prince's hands. Was it his imagination, or did Prince look disappointed when they let go? Anxiety kind of regretted it, holding Prince's hand was almost nice, considering he'd only done it briefly twice. But Anxiety suddenly realised that me might never get to again if he didn't tell Prince how he felt. What could go wrong?

Oh, so, so many things could go wrong, and every single one of them was flitting through Anxiety's mind as he tried to prepare himself to tell Prince. He could feel that he was already blushing, and he just knew he would stutter and probably chicken out, end up insulting Prince, who would then in turn hate him. Or just flat out laugh at him and deny him. Ugh, why was this so hard? It was Valentine's day, he had to do it today! If he did it tomorrow it would be stupid. This wasn't going to work!

Anxiety could feel Prince watching him worriedly as he debated in his mind just flat out telling Prince that he had a crush on him, but Anxiety knew he was crumbling to himself. He couldn't do it. He was too scared, too nervous, too anxious. Eventually he just looked at the floor. He almost wanted to cry. Why did everything have to be so hard, why couldn't he just ask? Why did he have to ruin everything? Anxiety always ruined everything.

But if Anxiety always ruined everything, then it was as if Prince always fixed it.

"Anxiety? What's the matter? Anxiety? Anxi? Are you okay?" Prince was asking concernedly. Anxiety shook his head, but said,

"I'm fine. Don't worry about it, Princey." Then there was a warm hand on his shoulder and a hand tilting his chin up so Prince could look him in the eyes- and suddenly Anxiety was blushing again.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm fine, you don't always have to try to save the day, Prince Charming." Anxiety snapped scathingly, trying to divert the embarrassment he was feeling. Then he realised he'd been mean again. "Sorry." He muttered. When Anxiety looked back at Prince, though, he seemed pleased.

"It's alright, I know I don't have to try to save the day but I want to! It's rewarding and fun. And as for the nickname, well, I am quite charming." Prince threw a wink at Anxiety, who scowled halfheartedly.

"Yeah yeah, whatever." Prince just smiled.

"Anyway, since you seem fine again, I'm going to ask you something." Anxiety frowned at him.

"Yes...?" He asked tentatively, and Prince's face grew serious.

"What is troubling you? What is making your life difficult?" He asked. That sounded familiar for some reason.

"Uh... why do you want to know?" Anxiety asked slowly, cautiously. Prince's face hardened into a mask of determination.

"So I can kill it!"

"Um, what?!" Anxiety was stunned, and Prince looked genuinely confused.

"What do you mean, what?" He asked.

"What as in why would you kill whatever's bothering me?" Anxiety asked incredulously. "Last time you said that, which was just a few hours ago, you killed a dragon witch thing for Valerie and then married her. Therefore I'm assuming you don't mean the same thing. So what do you mean?" Prince looked thoughtful for a second.

"I mean to kill the thing that is bothering you.. because how else am I to win your heart?" Anxiety choked on air.

* * *

"What?!" Anxiety screeched. Had he heard that right? Was he dreaming? What was going on? Prince just looked mildly offended.

"I figure that you still hold some animosity towards me, and I intend to slay whatever is troubling you so that you may overlook our previous arguments and allow me to win your heart!" He proclaimed proudly. Anxiety could only stare at him, dumbfounded. Prince noticed and sighed.

"I've been thinking, Anxiety. So many people, oh what's the term, ship us? Including everyone we know. And I have found, deep inside myself, that I do not hate you. Rather I am in... like with you." Prince worded carefully. Anxiety had to be dreaming; how was this actually happening?!

"I- I don't- you are?" Anxiety stuttered, still disbelieving. Prince nodded gravely.

"I am. And I realise that you may not currently feel the same way, which is why I implore you to tell me what it is I must destroy to win you over." Anxiety couldn't believe it.

"You- You're not going to try to marry me straight away, are you?" Anxiety asked nervously. Prince shook his head.

"No, it seems to sudden in this case. Unless you want me to. In which case of course!" He smiled, and Anxiety hurriedly shook his head.

"Nope, no, no marriage, no thanks." He rushed to say. Prince was graceful enough to not even look disappointed.

"Very well then. But seriously, Anxi, what do I have to kill?" Anxiety sighed.

"Why do you think you have to kill anything?" He asked, kind of frustrated. Anxiety didn't like grand gestures, they made him, well, anxious. But he couldn't bring himself to be angry; not when his crush was admitting to liking him back on my goodness. However Prince seemed confused.

"But... I have to slay whatever is troubling you? How else am I to win your heart and take you on a date?" He sounded genuinely puzzled and Anxiety sighed.

"Oh, Princey." He murmured, facepalming. "You could just, oh I don't know, actually ask me out?" Prince looked shocked, like the idea had never occurs to him. I'm hindsight, Anxiety reckoned it probably never had.

"That... would work?" He asked tentatively. Anxiety nodded at him.

"Yeah, Pretty Boy, it would." Prince was evidently delighted, a bright smile creeping over his face.

"Then of course! Anxiety, it seems fitting that on this blessed day, the day of love, Valentine's Day, that I should finally profess my, uh, like for you, and politely ask to take you out for dinner some time. Do you accept?" Prince just had to go make it all dramatic and stuff. But somehow Anxiety didn't really mind, in fact it was kind of sweet. Hen Anxiety realised it was the first time he'd ever seen Prince look nervous, and his heart melted a little bit.

"Yes, of course I will you dork. I, um, feel the same. I'm case you didn't get that." Prince was elated, smiling so wide and so hard it was almost blinding, and Anxiety found himself smiling back at him.

The moment was interrupted a moment later when Misleading Compliment tire through the room, screeching something that sounded vaguely like 'adorable Valentine's love!' And then something at Anxiety. Within a second he had run back out, so quick he was a blur. Prince and Anxiety both had to freeze for a second and process that before Anxiety inspected what Compliment had thrown at him. Prince peeled over, trying to see what was making Anxiety smirk, and was rewarded when Anxiety thrust it towards him.

"Be my Valentine?" Anxiety asked, grinning but blushing under all that white foundation. Prince gently took the red card and opened it up; it was decorated with pale pink hearts and swirly, looping white words spelling out be my valentine?

It was basic. It was cheesy. It was adorable and Prince loved it! He clutched it tightly to his chest and positively beamed.

"Of course I'll be your Valentine!" He exclaimed, stepping forward and quickly drawing Anxiety into a brief hug, which he didn't really resist. Then Dad and Logic burst into the room.

"I knew it!" Logic shouted victoriously. Dad was just staring wide eyes at them, eyes flickering from their smiling faces to their now linked hands. Suddenly he swooned and started tilting. Prince and Anxiety recoiled in shock, and Logic darted back to catch him.

"Morality? Dad, are you okay?" He asked worriedly. Dad blinked heavily for a second, before springing up and running over to hug Anxiety and Prince.

"You're just! Both! So! Cute!" He yelled in joy. "Oh my goodness, I'm so happy you two are a couple now. You're so perfect together! And on Valentine's Day too, oh how romantic!" He cooed, and were those tears in his eyes?

Anxiety chuckled a little in disbelief, and Prince smiled at him. When Anxiety looked up and met his sparkling eyes he smiled back, and yeah, maybe Dad was right. Maybe everyone was right.

Maybe they were perfect together.

Finish

I hope you liked this oneshot!!!

[grumpycatsantiago]

“I Will Never Leave You”

Pairing: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood (Malec)

Warning: ANGST. No character death, but this is a very emotional story. 

Wing AU; about 2.7k

Author’s note: grab your tissues, people. even i cried while writing this.

Summary: “Alec felt the shock before the cuffs. It washed over him and burned worse than any demon ichor ever could. Give up his wings?”

The lamp above him flickered, the bulb struggling to last another night. But it wouldn’t last, and as Alec watched, it slowly dulled, sputtering for a moment before leaving an even colder darkness in its absence. And soon that would be him, Alec thought. He would flicker out like a sputtering bulb, and be forgotten in an instant.

Because the life of a shadowhunter was cruel and calculated, leaving no room for seemingly useless factors such as choice and reason. He was only a soldier, expected to follow the rules and live a life as fake as the laws the shadowhunters stood for. There was no compassion, no room for being your own person; not when there was a war to fight, when there were “monsters” to slay and people to repress.

No, reason didn’t matter or exist in the shadowhunter world. Alec had known this, yes, but he had never given himself room to address the seemingly miniscule problem. He’d never had a reason to, not until that morning at least.

“He isn’t like that and you know it!”

Alec’s hand curled into fists as he mentally checked himself. Fighting wasn’t the answer. But he only had his words and he knew it was hopeless when the Inquisitor stared back at him unwaveringly. Her lips twisted in disdain as she looked down on Alec from the podium.

“The warlock is a threat to the Clave and therefore a threat to the world. He cannot be allowed to roam free as these people, these mundanes and now shadowhunters, are being used for warlock breeding! There is concrete evidence that he is working with Iris and we will not ignore the facts. And I will ask you, just this once, to stand down, Mr. Lightwood. You are out of line, and if you are not going to help us persecute and bring in this creature then I suggest you retire for the night,” Imogen Herondale demanded.

Behind him, Maryse hissed, “listen to her, Alexander.” But how could he listen when what they were doing was so terrible and unlawful?

“No, I will not stop! He is not responsible for any of this and you know it! And I suggest that you stop speaking of him as if he’s just another mindless demon before I make sure you never even have a chance to find him! Take my runes, take my stele and my title, but I will not let you hurt him!”

Murmur immediately filled the room, highly respected members of the clave chattering in outrage at Alec’s threat. Words like “insolent boy” and “warlock’s lover” were passed around. Imogen’s face was red in outrage as she demanded everyone to quiet down. She settled a deadly glare on Alec, assessing him for a moment. And then a small, calculating smile spread across her pale lips. It was ghastly and caused a shiver to run down Alec’s shoulders and through the wings nestled against the curve of his spine.

“How long have you had your wings, Mr. Lightwood?”

Alec furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. What did she mean, how long? They were as much a part of him as his lungs, or his hands. But still he answered.

“I’ve had them all my life, Madam Inquisitor.”

The smile twisted then, something darker passing over her features, and dread immediately filled Alec. “Well, then, Mr. Lightwood, I suppose that if you are able to give up your title, your runes, and your stele for this warlock … then you would also be willing to give your wings in return for his wellbeing and safety.”

Alec froze and the room fell silent. It took a few moments before a reply, but it wasn’t from Alec.

“Inquisitor, you can’t be serious. Our wings are a part of us! We are nothing without them,” Maryse said, concerned. But even his mother defending him didn’t stop Alec from making his final decision.

“Yes, I’m willing. I . . . I will do anything for Magnus Bane.”

There was a gasp from somewhere, that sounded strangely like Isabelle. But what was she doing here? Only board members were allowed here when there was a meeting. And yet here was Alec, who had just barged in and let his opinion be known.

Imogen stared at him, disgust but also a bit of respect in her eyes.

“Then I suppose that is just what will happen. Alexander Gideon Lightwood, you are hereby a traitor to the Clave, to your own people. And you will be stripped of your Marks, your title, your stele, and … your wings will be stripped from your body and you will forever be cast from the Shadowworld.” She looked out to the crowd. “And to whoever tries to make contact with him will also be deemed a traitor and will have equal punishment. This meeting is dismissed. Guards, take him away.”

The ring of the gavel bit deeper than any wound.

Alec felt the shock before the cuffs. It washed over him and burned worse than any demon ichor ever could.

Give up his wings?

Alec stared at the bars of the cell. They must have been black at some point, but were now rusted and caked with years of dust and filth. But still standing.

Reaching out, Alec grasped onto one of the bars and looked back up at the dead bulb. He thought about how fast the light had died out. How the golden hue that once brought a sense of warmth to the small cell was forever lost. About how he would probably never see light like that again. Alec knew he wouldn’t survive this.

In the best case scenario, he would bleed out quickly, and in the worst it would be slow and excruciating. And even if he survived being stripped of his wings and deruned, where was he supposed to go when even his own family couldn’t see him?

Then he thought of Magnus. Of the beautiful man who was so selfless and caring but also the strongest person Alec had ever met. He would gladly take Alec in. But would he even think the same of Alec once he is a mundane? Would he think him weak and helpless? Broken?

Alec reached back to feel the downy feathers at the base of his wings. The flesh under his hands quivered as if it knew it would be gone soon. As if his wings knew they would be parted soon. And he let the tears fall as the wings wrapped around him, heavy and supportive in their last moments together. He thought about when he first learned to fly, the thrill of knowing that no matter how hard it became, he could always escape, even for only a little while.

He thought about the first time Magnus saw them.

Alec had been wounded pretty badly in a demon attack and had of course gone to Magnus’ to let his boyfriend heal him. And when he had let his wings unfurl from under his shirt, he remembered the gasp Magnus had given and how he had looked at Alec in wonder as he had asked to touch them. And they had laid down that night with Magnus murmuring sweet nothings in his ear as he had stroked Alec’s wings, the white feathers contrasting beautifully with Magnus’ hands.

But that would never happen again. Soon Alec would be rendered to nothing, and Magnus wouldn’t want him anymore. And even though Alec was devastated, he would never take back those words. Because Magnus was worth more than his own life.

Their love was worth more than his wings could ever give.

When the doors finally opened, steps ringing down the stairs like bullet shots, Alec stifled his sobs and swiped viscously at his eyes. He stood as two shadowhunters and the Inquisitor stopped in front of his cell, determined not to look weak even in his last moments.

Imogen looked tired. Her eyes had bags and her cheeks were hallowed in the luminance of the witchlight held between thin fingers. But her features were set, and Alec knew there was no going back now.

“It’s time, Alexander,” was all she said. The doors of the cell were opened and the two other shadowhunters came through. One held a seraph blade, but unlike one Alec had ever seen before. It was curved and serrated and immediately Alec knew what its lone use was. The other shadowhunter was not a shadowhunter at all, Alec saw, as the figure moved closer into the glow of the witchlight. It was a Silent Brother, and he was holding a stele.

As the two came closer, it took all of Alec’s willpower not to step away. But he did waver when the Inquisitor came forward to stand in front of him.

“We will be taking your wings first, and then your runes,” she said. “Now kneel and remove your shirt.”

And Alec kneeled, knees digging into the ground as he was prompted to strip himself of his shirt and bend over to display himself properly. Harsh hands grabbed his wings, the hollow bones jerking in response to the rough treatment. And as they were spread out, the tears came back. Alec watched them drip and counted the beats of his heart in the silence that came before the blade was placed against the base of one wing.

The pain that came next was indescribable. Alec distantly heard screams and realized they were his own as they mixed with the sound of tearing flesh and cracking bones. Hot streams of what couldn’t be anything other than blood flowed down his back and across his ribs. The blood blended with the tears under him, ghastly in the witchlight as it puddled.

He wanted it to stop. It didn’t stop. It kept going and he screamed until his voice was hoarse and all he heard was the repeated sawing. There was a thump as something heavy met the ground.

And just as he was beginning to black out it went silent. His harsh breathing and strangled sobs filled the room. Someone shuffled closer, and suddenly Alec couldn’t feel himself. Or he could feel too much.

He didn’t even know anymore.

If he thought having his wings literally cut from his body hurt, then having his Marks removed was like dying, only repeatedly. He didn’t even know if he was screaming. The only thing he felt was his heart, frantically beating against his chest—threatening to jump straight out of him.

He didn’t know when it stopped, he didn’t even know how exactly it happened. In the next moment, he was being thrown against something cold and wet and everything was dark. But his eyes were wide open.

The institute was looming above him. No, not the institute, but an old, worn-down church with broken and boarded windows. The only source of light was the moon that was barely peeking above a mass of dark clouds.

Blood was caking in the bend of his arms and across his torso, sweat drenched his hair and streamed into his eyes. Or maybe it was also his blood. He couldn’t tell the difference as his skin felt like it was on fire. Then it went away for a moment, before coming back, just as painful as before. Like he had been set ablaze and just as the last wisp was dispersing, someone had tossed gasoline on him and now he was burning again. And again. And again.

Maybe he was screaming. Or crying. Or even laughing. He didn’t know.

But he did know that no one ever came for him.

Hours later, or possibly days, Alec began to move. His fingers trembled and his arms felt like they were being weighed down with cinder blocks as he struggled to sit up. His throat was raw from screaming and he had to blink repeatedly to be able to see only a few feet in front of him. The thought that he was already so helpless without his runes caused a harsh laugh to bubble up, his throat protesting and his back screaming as he continued until he the air seemed to leave his lungs and he was forced to stop.

The night loomed before him, streets empty and silent.

It took him four tries to shakily get to his feet with the help of a semi-broken railing. Only for him to fall back down almost immediately. His body wasn’t used to the immense absence of his wings, and neither was his mind. He choked back the tears and determinedly grabbed ahold of the rail and again lifted himself up. And he did this two more times before he was able to stagger away from the only place he had ever called home.

His footsteps were heavy and laden with fatigue as he slowly made his way to the only person he had left in this unforgiving world.

The loft looked darker than it ever had before. And again, Alec was reminded of what he no longer had. Without his runes, he felt both lighter and heavier than ever before. The streets once bustling with downworlders was empty, and Alec stumbled up the stairs to a door that was both familiar and new. And shakily, Alec drew up a hand to knock against the wood lightly.

He waited only a moment before the door opened.

____________

“I told you, I only will take clients by appoint—” Magnus’ next words were cut off as he took in Alec, who was leaning against his doorframe, covered in blood and filthy. But also breathing as he looked at Magnus through the hair matted and stuck to his forehead. “Oh, Lilith. What happened to you, Alexander?”

Alec didn’t say anything. He just stumbled forward and fell into Magnus, who immediately wrapped his arms around him, jumping when Alec let out a cry as Magnus’ hands came in contact with the haggard stubs. The only reminder of the wings he used to have.

Magnus held back the angry and distraught tears as he carefully gathered Alec close. Alec curled into him automatically and rested his head against Magnus’ shoulder. Magnus looked down at the drying blood. There was so much that it was covering Alec’s back and neck. Magnus lifted a hand to stroke along Alec’s deflect rune, something that always seemed to calm him—

But the rune wasn’t there. None of them were there. The inky black tendrils gone, as if they had never been there in the first place. Alec must have felt Magnus freeze, because a gasp was pushed against Magnus’ collar as Alec began to shake against him. He was muttering something as his body was wracked with the force of his sobs.

It took Magnus a moment to make out the words, and when he did he felt his blood run cold.

“Pl—please don’t leave me, Magnus. Please don’t. You’re—you’re all I have left.” Alec sobbed, hands reaching up to grab at Magnus’ shirt, knuckles white. “You’re all I have, Magnus.”

Holding back his own tears, Magnus took a deep breath and reached up a hand to cup Alec’s face. Gently, he pulled back and looked into Alec’s tear-stained, swollen face. There was snot and dirt and blood smeared across his mouth and cheeks, and Magnus knew there must have been some on his shirt too, but he didn’t care. All he saw was Alec, his beautiful Alec, looking at him with the most hopeful and broken expression.

Leaning up, Magnus pressed a soft kiss against Alec’s lips, not caring about any of the mess. Alec’s lips trembled under his, and Magnus felt his heart break just a bit more. But he didn’t falter as he looked into those glistening, gorgeous eyes, and said, “I will never leave you, my dear Alexander. Never.”

Alec’s sob was swallowed down as he connected their lips and held Magnus close, body shaking with relief.

He may have lost his wings, his runes, and even his family. But he had Magnus.

And that was all that mattered.

[shslshortie]

Little log 8/9 (please ignore)

Again, this has absolutely nothing to do with like any of my followers, so please ignore it cuz it'll just clog your dash.

Luckily, I'm posting this at 4:57 am, so not THAT many people will have to see this.

BUT Kaja asked how this whole thing was going, so I figured I'd update this thingy with the stuff that happened Saturday and Sunday.

Current list:

1) Christianna

1) Kelsey

1) Rae

(Everybody else is mostly the same?? Or my opinion hasn't changed THAT much to where I need an update on them)

I don't know how to do a read more on mobile???? So sorry?????????

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Okay, so Saturday was rough for me. This weekend had a lot of things kinda up in the air, and most of them didn't turn out the right way, so I was not in a good mindset.

But while I was alone and upset and feeling fairly unwanted, OUT OF NO WHERE WITH NO PROMPTING, both Christianna and Kelsey were texting and snapchating me like everything was completely normal (which it was for them). This was amazing, because when I felt so shitty, they were still reaching out to me just because they wanted to, or because they had stuff that they specifically wanted to tell/show me. Kelsey was even saying how she wished I was a dance major just so I could have been with her at the dance major watch party. And she was the one who convinced me to go to the party on Saturday night. (Which was not good, especially since she ended up leaving with the only other member that I've heard she wants as her big, so YIKES). ((I mean if Madison (the member) wants Kelsey, there is literally nothing I would be able to do to stop her from taking her. Everybody would want Madison if they thought she would want them, and I wouldn't even be able to be mad about it, because she is perfect))

So I happy cried over both Christianna and Kelsey because it made me feel wanted by both of them, and kind of solidified the relationship I want to have with them. A two way street of care and love, where even though I will basically be their mom, where at the basis of our Big/Little relationship, we are still really good friends.

And with Rae, last week she was apparently looking for me at the tailgate because she didn't know anyone else there, and because I was the only one who she felt comfortable around who wasn't black out drunk. (Bad thing was, I showed up real late and she had already left, BUT I ended up seeing her in the stadium and we talked for a bit!!) And yesterday and today she was asking me for advice about guerrilla; and me being the Pledge Mom™ that I am, offered to bring any pledges who wanted it food/coffee while they were waiting in line for guerilla sign ups. I ended up staying the whole time??? (Which was stupid and unnecessary but it was fine) and for most of it, she was just telling the other pledges how wonderful I was.

This is a huge ego boost, but the problem is that if these rankings stay the same for me... I have no idea who I would pick. Because if I decided to put Christianna and Rae as my #1 and #2, I would probably have guaranteed twins with both of them. Currently, I want Kelsey a bit more, just because I feel like it would be a better Big/little relationship, since Rae doesn't drink or do a lot of stuff like that, and I don't want to end up with a little that judges me or is ashamed of me. BUT I know that if I end up putting Kelsey as like #1 because I want her most, and put the other two at 2 and 3.... I might not get any of them... and even though I feel like I would get at least 1 little that I love, even if they aren't on my list... I don't want to mess it up with any of them because I made a mistake in ranking.

So long story short @ me:

Christianna: I'm like 90% sure I'm gonna get her. We are planning a guerrilla act together, and I was the first/only person she thought to ask. She doesn't know that many people, so I have absolutely no clue who else would be on her list. AND WHEN I WAS COMPLAINING I DIDNT HAVE ANY BLUE GLITTER, SHE SAID SHE HAD SOME THAT I COULD USE. and especially with my reputation in APO (my fucking pledge name was Sparkle Tits for crying out loud) there's no way it wouldn't be a match.

Kelsey: I love her, and we snapchat all the time, and she is super fun, and we will be going on a second pledge date soon. I'm just worried because she might want a Dance big, especially if she ends up with Claire as her dance honor society big... so I'll just have to figure out if she wants Madison or not and if Madison wants her. Which is what I'm stressed about, cuz I thought Madison would want someone like Blaire or Olivia or Emma or Nicole (the upperclassman dance majors who are pledging). And since she's 1) a senior, 2) is in a sorority... I can't imagine that she will take twins??? And she hasn't even been around that much?? Only at guerrilla and popping in at parties??? So like??? HOPEFULLY I can hear the whole situation when we have family brunch.

(Which is a WHOLE different monster of stress)

Rae: love her, and she's very sweet, but what people usually think of her as is a little pompous or know it all or above it all, which isn't really true. She just doesn't drink/party, and doesn't really like it when people do. She can tolerate it, which must mean she doesn't care that I do/has never been able to tell when I've been drunk (cuz I've definitely been drunk around her at least 3 if not 4 times). And she has a very matter of fact way of talking, which kind of stems from her education/how she wants to go all the way to get her PhD and her interests, which can make it seem like she's being short with you. And I don't have a problem with it, but like I'm not entirely sure if I would be the best big for her needs??? But we've talked a lot about makeup and dance and everything, and she's been very grateful whenever I've done anything for her or offered her help, and has reached out a lot, which is probably why I'm more drawn to her right now.

Again, the biggest stressor right now, is trying to figure out the order (which Luckily, I don't have to figure out until at least the 25th, if not the end of October) so that I feel like my twins both have me as their #1, and that they are who I want. Because originally, I was very much keeping my mind open, so that I would be happy and love whoever I got. Of course, if I got someone else, that means that they wanted me, I just might still be hurt or a bit upset if I was dead set on having a particular pair, and ended up with someone else. Because the biggest thing is, I don't want to be that big that has an obvious favorite twin and an ignored twin -- because looking at it last year, it fucking SUCKED when I saw some of the pairs, and I felt bad for some of the twins because of how obvious it was. Overall, it matters what the pledges want, so no matter what, I will do my best to make them happy, give them all the love they deserve, and give them the best APO experience.

Last note:

Holy hell am I stressed about this upcoming family brunch. We've been trying to plan it for 2-3 weeks, and it still hasn't happened yet. I'm very worried specifically because I don't want to be split off from the Peyton-Carli line just because LC is gone. Unless EVERYONE in our family gets twins, we wouldn't be strong enough on our own. Peyton and Carli would be fine, and could even still be too big. But for LC's line, it's just me and Brannon who are going to take littles. (IF MARISSA TOOK A LITTLE I WOULD BE FUCKING SHOOK. Girl Peyton could, but I would highly highly highly doubt it) and that would mean it would be like 4 people on that stage, maybe 5, maybe 6. Plus I don't want fake to split again, unless we did Peyton, Carli and LC all separate, and then came back together once everyone was done.

I also am stressed because at the very least, the entirety of Fake Fam (16 active members who attend UA currently) could theoretically take 32 new littles. At the very least, it could be 7, but it would most likely be between 10-17. That is a LOT. Which means that unless we all did the same thing (instead of the same theme like we did last year) it would be super fucking difficult to coordinate a reveal.

Finally, I'm stressed because I don't know who everybody wants???? And I KNOW that will be a huge big deal at brunch because Carli and Peyton are literally in charge of assigning Big/Little pairs for the entirety of APO. So hopefully, that means they will put us on high priority... but it COULD also mean that theyre gonna put their littles/grand littles/future ggrand littles on high priority above LC's line. ESPECIALLY if some people on their side wants the same people as Brannon or I do. (Cough cough Madison).

Best case scenario, Carli just goes around and asks everyone "do you want twins, and who do you want" and nobody has any issues with anybody else's picks.

Bad case scenario: the first thing they bring up is a split. Madison wants Kelsey and only Kelsey. I end up getting 1 little who is a random, and Brannon gets none. And drama happens where people start explaining why certain people shouldn't be a big little pair.

Well, here's hoping that it all works out, and I figure things out further. ✌

[socialattractionuk]

Breakups can be good for us even if we’re in a ‘perfect’ relationship

My entire identity was wrapped up in being in a relationship  (Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

‘Don’t worry babe! It hurts now, but you’ll feel so much better in the long run – I promise.’

‘Hun you’ll look back on this part of your life and actually feel incredibly grateful that this happened!’

Above are a couple of examples of the types of advice we are used to receiving from our loved ones during times of heartbreak and extreme pain, due to the breakdown of a relationship.

Above also lies a couple of examples of times in which I secretly wanted to drop kick my loved ones in the throat for being so insensitive. Could they not see my heart was literally breaking in front of them and that I would never feel the sweet sweet taste of happiness and love again?!

I went through my first ever breakup from my first ever relationship at the grand age of 25 and it felt like my entire life had stopped.

As someone who always found dating and being romantically liked by others difficult, I naturally assumed that the relationship I was in was ‘The One’ and that this was it; we had already shacked up, so it was only natural for a long term commitment and a family to be on the cards eventually. 

The relationship was amazing – we never encountered arguments, I was treated amazingly throughout and we hardly disagreed on things.

So when he dumped me out of the blue in 2017 without any reason as to why, it took me an incredibly long time to get my head around coming to terms with the loss. 

Naturally, I did what most people do in these scenarios: I blamed myself, I blamed how I look, cried constantly, in public and in private, I had multiple panic attacks and I assumed my life would be over. I told myself I would never find love or be happy in any other aspect of my life again so long as I was alone.

At the time I was still blogging on the side as a hobby alongside working at a law firm and as soon as the breakup happened, several awful things also happened at once.

I had to move out of our gorgeous flat and go back home to my parents, I lost my job a month later, my depression reared its ugly head and I ran out of money and was living off of Universal Credit for six months. 

I still couldn’t see that the breakup was a blessing within the sea of unfortunate events happening around me because I was so fixated on the relationship being amazing and me being happy, even though I was somewhat unhappy in my career, I was hardly seeing my friends and had stopped working on my personal growth.

I had become comfortable because I was happy and in a relationship, which meant that I stopped working to my fullest potential in other areas of my life. I was content, right? Why did I need to grow?

The most important thing to me at the time was having that relationship because it had been the one thing I had craved and the one thing I had been missing for most of my adult life. My entire identity was wrapped up in being in a relationship and as it was my first and I had so much love to give, I have it all to the other person, completely ignoring myself.

As soon as the relationship was secured, everything else in my life took a backseat and retrospectively, it’s quite a difficult thing to have to admit. 

We become part of a couple, leaving no room for personal development, which leads to life becoming somewhat stagnant (Picture: Kaye Ford)

It’s pretty common though, I think. It’s so easy to settle and forget other areas of your life when you finally achieve the one thing you’ve always wanted. You hear about people in new relationships who are sometimes ignoring their friends for months at a time in favour of spending time with their partners.

You hear about people rejecting job offers or slacking at work because their relationships are more important. We become comfortable and settle because we have achieved the one thing that our hearts desired, but the bad thing about that is that it leaves no room for us to grow as people and achieve our goals.

We become part of a couple, leaving no room for personal development, which leads to life becoming somewhat stagnant: a fact you aren’t able to appreciate until you’re out of the situation. 

In my case, it has taken me two and a half years to finally understand how stagnant my life had become. After the breakup, I was a broken woman with no partner, no money and no job, but the one thing that kept me sane was attending to my blog. In the six months of job searching, I continued writing as a form of self-care and kept commissioning photoshoots with my Universal Credit money. 

I finally found a job in PR who were impressed by my blog and the skills I had gained within it. From there, I was promoted and this helped dramatically with my self-esteem. I was still trying to work through my depression and heartbreak and used my blog and social media as a way of dealing with the trauma.

Through that, other opportunities arose with my writing and blogging and I continued to work hard. None of this would ever have happened if I were still in that so-called ‘perfect’ relationship. 

The fact of the matter is: breakups can be good for us. It can serve as an emotional catharsis, allowing us to finally let out those emotions we’ve been holding in, or let go of that relationship that has been doing us more harm than good.

Breakups allow the truth to finally surface, whether it be your own truth, or the truth of others and how they feel about your relationship.

More: Dating

What heartbreak has taught me about love

Is talking about books on dating apps a turn-off?

Why are more people living together but not getting married?

In my case, I eventually learned the power of not settling for less, and it taught me that my self-worth does not come from being loved by another person. Being loved by another person is a beautiful, precious, and amazing feeling.

But it does not validate your existence or give your life meaning. I realised my true potential and self-worth as a creative. I was able to rediscover myself and do all the things I’d wanted to try.

There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel, and there’s always something better that results from it. Either you will be reborn with the wisdom gained from the experience.

Pain is inevitable when you lose an investment of the heart, but if we choose to learn from it and see the loss as an opportunity to become better, you will see how breakups are not as bad as you envisioned.

If I ever see him again, maybe I’ll thank him – for making me come to terms with my insecurities, for allowing me to regain autonomy in my life, for making me more resilient. In short, for forging me into a stronger, better person.

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