#if you get me on my bullshit with a special interest i wont shut the fuck up

[agdab]

god dude i wish my autism didnt make socialising so difficult. like yea man we're in the middle of a conversation but ive run out of scripted things to say so i just stop talking. you see me try though. and its hard to watch. the subject changes. same thing happens. on fucking god

[epitome-of-an-openbook]

Cult Leader Villain!Deku - Engagement and Suspicion Pt. 2

On Wednesday mornings, there was always one thing that Shouta could count on: Todoroki and Uraraka showing up at least fifteen minutes late to homeroom. And, according to Principal Nezu, there was nothing he could do to punish the two of them for it. Something about exemptions made for religious practices or something. All Shouta knew about it was that apparently Todoroki and Uraraka had to do some sort of special ritual every Wednesday morning that meant they had to take a later train in order to get to school. Whatever it was, it was illogical to prioritize worshiping someone or something (that probably wasn't real in the first place) over one's education, especially when in the hero course, where actual real lives were potentially on the line.

As for the students who weren't late to class every Wednesday, it was always up in the air as to who would be early, on time, or sneak in just as the bell rings. Today the early birds included Iida and Bakugo (no surprises there), Momo, Jirou, and (slightly more surprising) the entirety of Bakugo's little entourage.

As Shouta slipped into the room to start putting the day's schedule on the board, he mostly tried to ignore the group's gossip but it caught his attention when he heard Ashido gasp before saying something about one of his two most elusive students.

"- you're kidding me right?? Todoroki said that?!"

"Yeah, Denks was asking him about this mark on his arm that he and Kiri had noticed in the locker room, turns out it's some sort of tattoo for their little cult thing" Tattoos? Cult? Shouta snorted quietly to himself - well that was mildly concerning, but teenage gossip was hardly a reliable source. Whatever this interaction Sero was describing was certainly interesting though. "Anyway he was telling us what all the different parts of it meant, and get this, he told us that the part with the leaves- uhhhh how did he put it Kiri?"

"He explained to us that the leaves were uhhh yarrow leaves I think - don't quote me on that - and he more or less said that they 'symbolized his engagement' or something to that effect."

Shouta froze. That couldn't be right. As he started to turn he noticed that Jirou and Momo had also approached the group to join the conversation.

"Wait, wait," this came from Jirou, "Todoroki's engaged? To like ... a person?"

"Yep," Kirishima answered eyes wide as he nodded in affirmation.

"At first Kiri and I were convinced we had misheard or misunderstood, but when we asked for clarification Uraraka told us that he was engaged to a human person, and when we asked if maybe it was arranged or something he totally blew up at us."

Kaminari nodded his head violently in agreement with Sero as Kirishima cut back in, "Uraraka and him were super pissed that we asked that and he started going on about how they were 'given God's blessing' and that they had apparently fasted for like a week or something."

Shouta blinked, it seemed as though each word that poured from Sero or Kirishima was ten times more concerning then the last-

"And that's not even the half of it," Sero cut in once more, "We, definitely, one-hundred percent heard Uraraka say that the person he is engaged to... is 'The Verdant Angel'."

Now Shouta had no fucking idea what the hell that was but based on Yaoyorozu's gasp and Mina's "No freaking way", his students clearly did.

After a half second of silence Jirou let out a derisive snort before crossing her arms and lifting a single eyebrow, "You guys are bullshitting us aren't you?"

"We are not!" came Kaminari's indignant reply.

"Todoroki is fifteen, the same as the rest of us, there's no way the leading figure of his religion-"

"Cult," Sero coughed into his fist.

-is engaged to him" Jirou finished and turned to look at Sero more directly, "And there's no proof his religion is a cult guys, I saw an article about them just the other day talking about the work they've been doing with the local homeless shelters and how they have been putting together a support network for children facing quirk abuse and discrimination. Cults are abusive and controlling by definition, you guys are just being mean."

Shouta let out a slow breath and turned back to the board to finish the last bit of the schedule before crawling into his sleeping bag to try and fit in a quick nap before the bell rang, Jirou had a good head on her shoulders and made some valid points, Shouta would look into his wayward students religious practices later just to be sure, but it seemed pretty likely that Kirishima, Kaminari, and Sero were exaggerating about their supposed recent interaction (as teens are wont to do). As he slowly shut his eyes he picked up the tail end of their conversation-

"Well if you don't believe us then one of you should ask him out after class and see how he responds, I guarantee he'll say something weird about it."

"Fine, Momo can do it since she's the most familiar with him"

"Well, uh, actu-"

"Deal!"

----------

True to form, the bell rang and it was another twenty minutes before Todoroki and Uraraka shuffled quietly in to class while Shouta explained about upcoming events they would have to participate in as first year hero students before setting them to use the rest of homeroom as a study session. As he watched on he couldn't help the slight discomfort he felt in his stomach when he looked over at Todoroki and Uraraka. While teenagers aren't the most reliable source of information, much of what was said earlier was highly concerning and it would probably be smart to keep a closer eye on the two.

Shouta had almost forgotten about the latter portion of the kids conversation when he looked up to see Yaoyorozu walking sheepishly over to the dual haired boy's desk, with 2 minutes left of class.

"Hey, um Todoroki. How are you?"

The boy blinked slowly up at her before replying, "I am well."

Yaoyorozu laughed slightly, "Oh that's good, I was wondering umm, maybe if you're free sometime, if you would like to go out... on a date. Go out on a date... with me?"

"Oh," he blinks up owlishly at her from his chair, "no thank you," then turns back to his work.

Yaoyorozu starts to turn back to her seat when Sero and Kirishima wave her back, as though telling her to keep going.

"-uhhhh," she pauses and turns back once more, "Could I ask why not?"

"Well," Todoroki said looking up at her once more, "I am already betrothed to God's redeemer, to date you would be to turn my back on God."

Yaoyorozu made a high-pitched hum of slight discomfort as all the air left Shouta's lungs. Perhaps Shouta had been too quick to agree with Jirou's assessment of the boys' gossip. Because as much as he hated to admit it. That definitely sounded like cult stuff, in the worst possible way.

If Shouta felt dazed until the end of the day that was no one else's business. And if at the end of the day he asked Todoroki and Uraraka to stay behind well...

"Are you two okay? Is there anything going on that you need help with?"

They blinked slowly at him.

"No, we're fine Sensei." Uraraka said hesitantly in response.

Shouta breathed out, of course it wouldn't be that simple.

"Well if either of you ever need someone to talk to, of if you need any help at all - you can come to me or any of the staff at UA and we will help you. Okay?"

"Yes Sensei," they said in what Shouta could only describe as creepily perfect unison.

He sighed once more, "You two are free to go."

They looked at him a bit longer, squinting their eyes in confusion, or maybe suspicion, before turning to leave. Leaning in to whisper with each other as they exited the room with one last glance at Shouta.

He buried his face in his hands, rubbing at his temples to combat the incoming headache. He really, really, didn't want to - but it seemed like he might have to dig into the religious practices of his students on the off chance they may have joined a dangerous cult.

[punkscowardschampions]

Joe & Ronnie

Joe: Hey

Joe: my flatmate has some work I reckon your mate might be interested in

Joe: but it’ll sound a bit dodgy coming from me so you wanna pass it along?

Joe: moneys alright for no real work, depending on how you look at it

Ronnie: never done any work as a secretary myself

Ronnie: write your own fucking love notes

Joe: I see that

Joe: your accent down the 📞?

Joe: no cunt here’d understand you, never mind the demeanour

Joe: yeah, well, it’d really seem that way

Joe: but I actually need someone to take her off my hands

Ronnie: racism as foreplays playing to the wrong crowd hes more into homo bashing

Ronnie: errr dunno how you read his demeanor mckenna but he aint taken a her off anyones hands since before any of us had phones

Joe: i’ll keep that in mind

Joe: well homophobic of me to not tell him myself so he’s welcome for the freebie

Joe: not actual escorting

Joe: she does art, her life drawing class needs a model

Joe: I ain’t fucking doing that

Joe: tell me I ain’t 📖 him right on that one

Ronnie: fucks sake if youd said it was cash for cock wed be done talking already

Joe: I just did

Joe: sound, she’ll be made up, she’ll get off my case, and he’ll get £15 an hour, apparently 👌

Ronnie: sexist not to ask me

Ronnie: pass that on to your little gf

Joe: weren’t her idea to ask Charlie

Joe: you’ll have to take up that grievance with me as well

Joe: I’ll just point out it’d be even weirder if I’d have asked you

Ronnie: you wish

Ronnie: how much £ you offering me to bang you

Joe: if I did no point paying you to do it for her and her class and not me

Joe: that’s an interesting take on cucking though, loads that would go for it, I’m sure

Ronnie: ill write it down as youve made me go hunting for a pen in this shithole

Joe: cheers

Joe: take 20% commission or whatever

Joe: or take the IOU I owe him for doing this

Ronnie: you said it hed do this for fuck all ill take the lot and mary wont know it was a paid gig

Joe: if he can fend the flatmate off, undoubtedly a load of art gays he can have his pick of

Ronnie: that what youre telling yourself for why you dont want me to do it yeah

Joe: you wanna do it?

Ronnie: i want you to admit the reason you dont want me to is cause he scrubs up enough for horse girl and her course mates not to stage an intervention

Joe: not what it is so no

Joe: I know I don’t want to get my shit out in front of a load of middle class kids who know fuck all about fuck all, so I assumed as much for you

Ronnie: dont ever assume fuck all for or about me

Joe: why do you wanna do it so bad when like you said, you can pocket the cash and get him to?

Ronnie: i dont wanna fucking do it

Joe: well that’s grand ‘cos I reckon Sophie wants to see dick so

Joe: she’d be really let down

Ronnie: usually what gets you off

Ronnie: but im made up youre in love now like

Joe: please, she either don’t get it’s weird to ask me which means she’s some kind of special

Joe: or this is the start of her 50 shades fantasy and I have to be the let down to end all let downs and i’m already doing my best

Ronnie: rem is right to pay for it when she could just walk in on you taking a piss or having a shower

Joe: when you’re just a creep and not a predator 💔

Joe: not the girl my parents warned me about

Ronnie: if theyd be the type to go down the stables theyd have seen the other side of her

Joe: you’ve got your own daydreams, alright

Joe: put out the feelers, who isn’t a little gay these days, right

Ronnie: go ed and pass on ive got a bigger dick than him and she will have

Ronnie: i dont dream 💔

Joe: shame she isn’t equally inspiring for you

Joe: or anyone, really

Ronnie: cry about it with him when youre done pimping

Joe: what do you dream about then, when you’re awake

Ronnie: what you cant read me

Joe: clearly not

Joe: dashed your modelling dreams

Ronnie: blind and not able to read braille must be dead hard for you

Joe: is that sympathy?

Joe: or you offering me 🖐 to 👩🏼‍🦲 time

Ronnie: again you wish

Ronnie: 💭💉

Ronnie: cant make it any easier to understand soz

Joe: maybe I do

Joe: far as 💭s go

Ronnie: fuck maybe you do or you dont

Joe: well it ain’t why I don’t want to get my arms out for her

Joe: not tried it

Joe: but not a no

Ronnie: give a shit what you do or dont want to do for or to her

Joe: that is a no, tah

Ronnie: tell her not me baby

Joe: that’s not a big sister duty?

Joe: gutted

Ronnie: wouldnt know im the middle kid dorothy does that for us

Joe: i’ll ask him when i’m crying on him then

Joe: make a change for me

Ronnie: hot

Ronnie: rack up the ious like a fat line hes gonna be made up

Joe: oi he’s like family ain’t he

Ronnie: &

Ronnie: you wanna fuck your mam

Ronnie: not oi ing you

Joe: well you get to think about me and him, you gave me her and you, not fair

Ronnie: life aint soft lad

Ronnie: and stopping at thinking about shit is the difference between me and you

Joe: I get it, you’ve gone there

Joe: purely here for the homophobia

Ronnie: your kinks match 💘

Ronnie: purely there so the lads dont kick off before hes got his kicks

Joe: see, you’ve got it in you 💘

Joe: the sisterly thing

Joe: my hate don’t get expressed by putting me in him though so I won’t run my mouth

Ronnie: not what ive got in me but im not giving you the talk just cause your ma didnt

Joe: you want a virgin to defile reckon Soph and her mates are prime, vampira

Ronnie: set it up with her ill show if i get no better offers

Joe: lucky girl

Joe: no more nights in doing doodles of cute girls that look like you

Ronnie: we dont look alike youll have to accept theyre of you

Joe: i fit less than you, by far

Ronnie: fuck off

Joe: sorry

Joe: it’s weird, say the least

Ronnie: i fit nowhere she made sure i dont

Joe: ditto

Joe: so buzzing i can write shit songs about it though

Ronnie: no

Ronnie: weve got fuck all in common

Joe: just the same mother

Joe: who put her shitty genetics and choices on us both at different times

Ronnie: i ain’t got a mother you cant cross out the un from wanted and act like its the same word

Joe: incubator then

Joe: she was 19 and still fucked, don’t think they had a five-year plan down

Joe: worse if she did, the state of

Ronnie: she made 1 choice for me shes still controlling you

Ronnie: were not the fucking same

Joe: you reckon

Ronnie: if you wanna claim it aint her fault youre this big of a pussy try it

Joe: you don’t think it’s my fault?

Joe: woah, just say you love me

Ronnie: i dont think about you when you aint trying to compare us

Joe: hot

Joe: I’ve thought about you plenty

Joe: uni ain’t that interesting

Ronnie: you came looking for me werent the other way round

Ronnie: you ain’t interesting to me mckenna

Joe: you reckon you’re fascinating, yeah?

Joe: fair enough

Ronnie: if your flatmate knows anyone doing doc film making they can wank over me lying in the gutter when youre done

Joe: nah

Joe: you don’t want control of your narrative

Ronnie: i dont want a narrative

Joe: then i’ll be the only wanker

Ronnie: in your dreams

Joe: well you painted such a lovely visual

Ronnie: black screen would get you going can stay in your own fucked head with no interference then like

Joe: Static is my kink

Joe: you know me so well

Ronnie: your fucking kink is not shutting the hell up til i do

Joe: i’m a gentleman

Joe: and i’m taking that review

Ronnie: youll get a lengthy one from my big brother when you are

Joe: you don’t have to settle for hearing it and getting your kicks second-hand

Joe: I’ll have to be somewhere to be unavailable for this life drawing class

Joe: let’s do something

Ronnie: what you paying me to babysit

Joe: you can ask my mammy or you can see what you can get

Ronnie: if i was gonna talk to her it wouldnt be about you

Joe: thank god

Joe: so take the risk

Ronnie: of what

Ronnie: boring me is asking too much of you

Joe: that’s surely a given

Joe: risk anything but

Ronnie: if I need rescuing again ill call you thats the only given Joe: you’re worse than her

Joe: christian grey or superman, like

Joe: gonna be BFFs yous, I can tell

Ronnie: you dont like being compared to cunts youre nothing like either funny that

Joe: touche

Joe: come on, what would convince you

Ronnie: if youre gonna beg then beg and if youre gonna show me something do it

Joe: I know you’d like to hear me beg but I can’t tell what you’d wanna see

Ronnie: then the answers nothing

Joe: nah

Joe: the answers you want to wait or you wanna be disappointed

Ronnie: why the fuck would I want either of those things

Joe: that’s what I’ll give you then

Joe: the opposite of that

Ronnie: thats meant to convince me yeah

Joe: nah, I am

Ronnie: like fuck will you

Joe: see, you want to be disappointed

Ronnie: ill be disappointed want has fuck all to do with it

Joe: if you don’t come and see

Ronnie: come where

Joe: see me

Joe: i’m new in town, I don’t know where to go

Joe: fuck sightseeing

Ronnie: [somewhere she’d hang out]

Ronnie: go there

Joe: now?

Ronnie: whenever you dont know where to go

Joe: okay

Joe: and I’ll see you there when you don’t

Ronnie: when im not fucking either of our flatmates

Joe: when you’re done being disappointed

Ronnie: when you prove yourself as not

Joe: you’ll see

Joe: I can’t show you over the phone

Ronnie: you could

Ronnie: im going nowhere on a bullshit promise cause im not a meff teenager

Joe: and I ain’t young enough to think that’s a good idea either

Joe: pictures not doing no favours

Joe: if you’re there and i’m there

Ronnie: big if

Joe: I never know where to be

Ronnie: newborn i heard you

Joe: something like that

Joe: if you can’t leave soph alone I’ll do my best begging 🥺

Ronnie: she cant leave you alone id be doing you a favour

Joe: true

Joe: wouldn’t wanna be caught doing that though

Ronnie: let you do the clean up after ive killed and ate her id be caught well fast for that instead

Joe: you’d get caught for being three times your size

Joe: she’s a big girl

Joe: you should share, be sworn to secrecy

Ronnie: doing her a favour i shouldve said

Ronnie: fuck all going for her

Joe: way to get in shape

Joe: she’ll appreciate us using her blood for something artsy on the walls

Ronnie: ill ask the basic white bitch i live with to give me a clue

Joe: 🍆 will be appropriate for her

Ronnie: 🐎

Joe: they might reckon she did it with her dying breath

Joe: very artist of her, dying how she lived

Ronnie: hurry the fuck up with your confession song if you want credit

Joe: you wanna hear me confessing so bad

Joe: but I might be able to hand that in so

Joe: hold on

Ronnie: it aint me whos a choir boy

Joe: ugh, I wish

Ronnie: cant chat shit about us having the same fantasies ive been touched by a old bloke wearing a dress and i dont rate it

Ronnie: standard surrounded by homos night out

Joe: yeah, and the nuns are never the hot kind

Joe: if they didn’t self-flagellate they’d be entirely uninteresting

Ronnie: 💔

Joe: yeah, it’s tragic being this bored/boring, say it ‘fore you have to bother

Ronnie: didnt invite you to no pity party and if thats where youre trying to get me to turn up to dont bother is right

Joe: you mean you don’t wanna talk about your feelings?

Joe: like you said, like being left alone with my own fucked up ones too much to try and start a therapy session

Ronnie: what fucking feelings dead above & below the waist like

Joe: dangerously close to sharing there

Joe: you got your 💉 already then?

Ronnie: wouldnt be this chatty if i had

Ronnie: unlucky you

Joe: I’m the one that wants to see you

Joe: so I’ll cope

Ronnie: cant even spell martyrdom proper so youve fucked yourself looking for a pat on the back off me by matching the definition up

Joe: i’ll just ring mum up yeah

Ronnie: your da if not but it wont have the same satisfying end for you like

Joe: 💔

Joe: validations the last thing i need

Joe: had a whole lifetime

Ronnie: you crawling back to me with a boner for the accent your mummys losing is the last thing i need

Ronnie: get on the scouse samaritans

Joe: don’t reckon that’s a job you’ll get any time soon either

Joe: ‘less the purpose is to make sure people go through with it

Ronnie: couldve fooled me if it aint what else is talking a sad cunts ear off about their problems gonna do

Joe: attention seekers anonymous

Ronnie: no need to meet you there i earned all them badges as a kid 🧷🩸

Joe: wouldn’t be caught 💀 obvs

Joe: keeping it secret adds another level of masochism anyway

Ronnie: does it fuck

Ronnie: keeps you feeling like a smug bitch you can still pass

Ronnie: miss me with that pussy shit

Joe: nah, that’s that i’m in control shit

Joe: it’s not that

Joe: the only thing you might be smug about is how oblivious everyone chooses to be

Joe: if it weren’t also depressing as fuck

Ronnie: dont give em the choice

Joe: why?

Ronnie: why the fuck would you want to

Joe: don’t need to be my mother’s next cause celebre

Joe: she can force the therapy and concern on any of the others, I don’t wanna get better or have to fake like I’ll even try

Ronnie: then dont

Ronnie: cut off your umbilical cord and wipe up the blood trail

Ronnie: not like she tries very hard to herd back the black sheep

Joe: maybe they know and don’t give a fuck 🤞

Joe: I know I ain’t going back so whatever

Ronnie: & you reckon weve got anything in common

Joe: just 50% of our DNA

Joe: never said we were twinsies

Ronnie: if youd have said id have spat in your face 1st time we met get it collected and the tests run

Joe: I wish

Joe: has your face healed

Ronnie: wheres the fun in letting it do that

Joe: 😏

Joe: we can pretend that’s inherited if you need

Ronnie: not 5 i dont play pretend

Joe: if you keep digging, reckon the ink will be gone and it’ll be pure scar tissue

Ronnie: calm the fuck down i can hear how turned on you are about it from here

Joe: spoilsport

Joe: just thinking, scar that only vaguely looks like 🍒s might be well more rugged for my transformation from baby to independent real boy

Ronnie: laughing cos i like pain not cause youre funny

Ronnie: when you see or hear it from wherever youre lurking

Joe: you don’t leave room for me to get the wrong idea, you’re alright

Joe: all them fucked ones are mine alone and already there

Ronnie: get your girlfriend to draw you a pin up & dont tell her youve changed the lass horse head to look like your mas

Ronnie: masc for masc in your bio before you know it and 🦋 tramp stamp to follow

Joe: you know my dad already has a tattoo that looks like her, no bullshit

Joe: and another dead girl on the other arm but that’s a whole other boring story

Joe: playing dress up is off the cards too if I’m ever gonna be a big boy

Ronnie: where do you keep his severed arm when youre not using it to fist yourself and how old were you when you cut it off

Ronnie: if we re telling stories

Joe: 😂

Joe: where we keep the horse

Joe: that en-suite is massive

Ronnie: if he finds out it was a paid gig ill know where to crash

Joe: still gutted she don’t wanna see you naked

Ronnie: youre a liar if you dont wanna see her face seeing me

Joe: don’t know if anyone could be bothered to look at her when you’re about but yeah

Joe: the trauma would really fuel me and make her much more bearable to live with

Ronnie: youre welcome like

Joe: gotta stop being nice to me

Joe: you know stalkers, give ‘em an inch

Ronnie: telling me what to do is the fastest way 🖕

Ronnie: and i know you dont have an inch to give me making the best of this shitshow is what an optimist like me has gotta do

Joe: obviously you’re that type

Joe: not having it in common will have you back 👍

Joe: you’re inspiring, like

Ronnie: chop off my arms and legs and get a camera set up in the en-suite

Joe: you’d fit in my cello case then, could take you everywhere

Ronnie: course youve had a measuring tape out

Joe: hate to kill your optimism with 🍆

Joe: have a go at pushing it back in

Ronnie: how longs your tongue reckon that could kill any girls optimism

Joe: 💔 if it was only good for chatting your ear off

Ronnie: [send him a picture of your weird gross split tongue because obviously]

Joe: [how does that not make you lisp, or does it, I always think that]

Joe: that’s why you’ve not had an invite

Joe: 🚫🐍

Ronnie: gutted

Joe: you know you can show up and do whatever you wanna do whenever

Joe: I’ll take you back

Ronnie: this performance art is meant to what just scare her or teach you how to get her to back the fuck off as well as

Ronnie: im not a fucking tour guide mckenna & you can get yourself evicted without my help

Joe: you know I meant to Dublin

Joe: don’t think it’d take much to scare Sophie off, give it a month for us to both get comfortable and she’ll see what I ain’t

Ronnie: fuck you

Joe: I said if you want

Ronnie: dont need your permission to do anything i want

Joe: don’t think any of ‘em are that lax with their socials

Joe: you’d need directions

Ronnie: ive had years to find em & we dont both hang about with horse girls from kent

Joe: can’t say it’s your loss

Ronnie: shut up about it then

Joe: 🤐

Ronnie: 🖕

Joe: got a whole fist here, you can keep it

Ronnie: sizeist

Joe: told her yours is massive like you said, it’s fine

Ronnie: i said bigger than his not a horse shes in for a disappointment

Joe: gotta 🤞 she’s an optimist like you babe

Ronnie: unlike you shes gonna wait to see what i do with it before telling me to shove it

Joe: you just wanna blueball me for the pain

Joe: go on, for your lols

Ronnie: she wont want me at all unless youre gonna watch

Joe: and you need a witness so I get time too

Joe: I’ll do it, torturous as it’d be

Ronnie: the iou is gonna torture me too

Joe: if you’re lucky

Ronnie: not the dna half we share 💔

Joe: damnit

Joe: what’s good about being Scouse?

Ronnie: now the beatles are dead youve got fuck all to live for

Ronnie: noted

Joe: only the good ones

Joe: I dunno, anything good about it never happened, left when I was a kid and we still lived in a shithole with shitheads

Ronnie: get in line she left me in a shithole with shitheads 1st

Joe: where were you

Joe: wonder how close it was

Ronnie: what the fuck does it matter

Joe: it makes her more/less shitty depending

Ronnie: it aint gonna change my opinion and I dont give a shit about yours

Joe: fair enough

Ronnie: get cosy with charlie hed take you down memory lane

Joe: not before he’s got it out for the art class tah

Ronnie: you didnt say when

Joe: [probably an evening class like tomorrow or the next day, then the same time a week later]

Ronnie: too fucking late the pen is in pieces

Joe: sure it isn’t the first time you’ve left him a note in blood

Ronnie: hes only gonna cry about it & take the shine off his modelling debut

Joe: awh

Joe: message him 🧓🏼

Ronnie: fuck off calling me old

Joe: 😏

Ronnie: ill write him a note blaming what a twat you are for what hes gonna walk in on

Joe: what mess have you made

Ronnie: havent killed myself yet

Joe: and you’ve not stopped talking so no OD’ing

Joe: possibilities are endless still

Ronnie: yeah

Joe: come out

Joe: we can get new ink to dig out

Joe: whatever

Ronnie: you gonna suck his dick this time

Joe: I’ll just pay the old-fashioned way

Ronnie: flashy cunt

Joe: what being a student is all about

Ronnie: and youre too special to poison your blood how the rest of em do

Joe: I’m not opposed but I can do it alone, I don’t need to go to a sweaty student bar that plays shit songs and has a load of sad Soph clones giving it 🥺

Ronnie: you can get another tattoo without me holding your hand

Joe: I could

Ronnie: go do it 🦋 baby

Joe: have mentioned its not about the tat, yeah?

Ronnie: nah not that ive heard

Joe: come on

Joe: i want to see you, i’ve said loads

Ronnie: youve said loads of shit yeah

Joe: shit i mean

Ronnie: why

Joe: why wouldn’t I

Ronnie: thats your answer then fuck it

Joe: you don’t need to ask ‘cos you know

Ronnie: i did ask and you said why the fuck not

Ronnie: like its nothing

Ronnie: like you didnt turn up uninvited into my life not long ago

Joe: then tell me to leave

Joe: like it’s that easy

Ronnie: i didnt tell you to fucking appear

Ronnie: just cause youre a kid dont make me the dead fish you won at the fair

Joe: I never had the choice

Joe: she told me about you, talked about you all the fucking time

Joe: you’ve always been in my life

Ronnie: and youve never been in mine

Ronnie: im not gonna carve out a place for you now cos you want it

Joe: Alright

Joe: do it then

Ronnie: dont tell me what to fucking do

Joe: I’m not going unless you say it

Ronnie: no shit this is fun for you

Joe: like fuck it is

Ronnie: im the car wreck youre craning your neck to keep looking at

Ronnie: thats all the fuck this is

Joe: lie better

Ronnie: you dont care about me or what this feels like

Joe: I can’t take it back, you know now

Ronnie: you dont wanna take it back

Joe: I can’t, what’s the point pretending

Joe: I never said I was a good person

Joe: being sorry won’t change anything for you

Ronnie: its all your christmases & birthdays im west as this course youre gonna keep on spinning me out

Joe: Piss off

Ronnie: lie better cunt

Joe: So you’re allowed pity parties, yeah?

Joe: 👌

Ronnie: calling you out on your bullshit is allowed if youre crying thats your problem

Joe: if all you want from me is for me to go away, consider it done

Joe: you can’t hack it, my apologies

Ronnie: tell me why if im so fucking wrong

Joe: I like you

Joe: I want you, to get to know you

Joe: I can’t just stop it, not for myself

Joe: So make me

Ronnie: stop telling me what to fucking do

Ronnie: fucks sake

Joe: you ain’t saying anything

Joe: what do you want

Ronnie: I dont want you to like me

Ronnie: fuck is that

Joe: yeah, it’s obvious you go to great lengths to be unlikeable

Joe: not going to tell no one am I

Ronnie: so hate me soft lad

Joe: I’ll give it a go

Ronnie: ill make you

Joe: give it a go then

Ronnie: where are you then

Joe: [give a location of somewhere near your flat ‘cos don’t need to actually set you on the flatmate rn and that’s likely where you were]

Ronnie: [obviously we’re just gonna show up however long that takes us without another word like !?]

Joe: [just so much eye contact ‘cos what you gonna say what you gonna do]

Ronnie: [definitely gonna take him somewhere sketchy as hell to the level that like Charlie doesn’t know we still go there/we’d never take him ever like you wanna get to know me okay bitch buckle up]

Joe: [can’t let you hook up or shoot up yet ‘cos chronological but go along with this obvs]

Ronnie: [it would make sense if you made out/almost hooked up though because the vibe for the next convo was very much oh fuck what are you doing here we didn’t mean to run each other like this but also v flirty]

Joe: [agreed, and allowed, it’s the obvious vibe but any untold drama can happen to stop you in whatever dodgy place so makes sense]

Ronnie: [literally and just because you can’t shoot up together yet does not mean either of you have to be in any way sober so]

Joe: [hundo, we’re not saying he’s never done a drug lol, he clearly abuses his prescription as is so like, there’s plenty to be done without going there]

Ronnie: [and if we wanted to we could say that you watch her do it here and now before you do it together anyway because you’d both get a weird kick out of that]

Joe: [tea, bet you did not see this coming for your uni experience lmao]

Ronnie: [meanwhile she’s old enough to have left, do you wanna grow up babe? No? okay]

Joe: [the way you’re rolling with this, we know you’re fucked boy but pop off]

Ronnie: [I can’t overstate how much she’d be doing the absolute most to try and scare him away like I dare you to go back on what you said]

Joe: [we know you’re not gonna, soz babe, is very rude how he’s just waltzed in but truly did not say we were a good person lol]

Ronnie: [we know she’s not either and also is here for it more than she will ever express until we’re literally years into this]

Joe: [hi your mother’s daughter, but no, you actually have a reason this is messed up but we’re into it from the off and not pretending, risky af strategy boy]

Ronnie: [is there anything we wanna say happens that has lasting-ish consequences other than the make out/ almost hook up ie a tattoo or a fight with injury potential or an arrest lol]

Joe: [hmm, the possibilities, maybe a fight to show you can, could be about anything, it’s that sort of place]

Ronnie: [that is such a mood I love it and yeah could literally be you’re a new face or could be her fault because of the aforementioned doing the most]

Joe: [totally, and that’ll be an easy way to separate you and not meet until the next convo]

Ronnie: [exactly dr phil]

[yourcoolfriendwithallthecandy]

Magic and Miracles and BEYOND Chapter 4

Ok, so for those who don’t know I face cast Miracle Laurie as Hazel Stevens, Titus Drautos’ love interest (*cough* love of his life *cough*) and in the upper right hand corner is my face cast for Ada, @the-immortal-marshal ‘s OC, she gave me Ada’s particulars forever ago so now I’ve just finally face cast her. And we have TADA I finally found a face I liked for Charlotte Stevens. Hazel’s sister who is of African American and Chinese decent. And I am OBSESSED with Empresses in the Palace which is a six episode long mini series that USED to be on Netflix, you can find it on Amazon Prime video now. And there is a lot of symbolism from that show that I’ve taken and run wild with because in this fic Gilgamesh (who I have taken so many liberties with) is a Chinese drug lord who thinks of himself as an Emperor and calls Charlotte his Empress. And Cor is obsessed with taking him down (like he is in the canon-verse). 

Ok so you can read it here -> AO3 or below. Tumblr, be cool, keep it under a cut. 

Magic and Miracles and BEYOND

Chapter 4

“Ok, I stand corrected, this is my favorite house.” Selena announced as she came into the mansion in California wine country that was styled in a blend of Italianate, Spanish and Mediterranean. With it’s overall warm tones and clay tile roof. She fell head over heels in love with it.

“Knew it would be,” Ravus beamed.

“I want our house to be exactly like this.” Selena urged Ravus who chuckled.

“Yeah, I figured as much.” Ravus nodded in agreement, having figured that the moment they hit the road.

“Yeah, you can keep the house on the coast Luna, I love that location but I love and adore this house and the vineyards are just...spectacular. It’s so beautiful I think I’m gonna cry.” Selena teased herself as her eyes actually started to water which only got Ravus to pull her into his embrace and kiss the crown of her head.  

“Well Ravus did buy you that place up the coast so you’re only a stroll down the beach away.” Luna teased her.

“Yeah,” Selena sighed wistfully before she gave Ravus a quick peck on the lips before she had him really show her around.

“Holy shit!” Selena exclaimed when she saw the wine cellar.

“Yeah, this wine cellar alone is worth as much as the actual house I think.” Ravus speculated.

“It’s all dry isn’t it?” Selena asked in disappointment.

“Actually, no,” Ravus began as he hunted through the cellar. “Yes! This Darling, is ice wine. And it is exceptionally sweet.” Ravus said as he handed her a little mini bottle.

“Should we chill this first?” Selena asked as she looked it over.

“Yes, yes we should.” Ravus nodded as he used a special wine bottle carrier box to put in a half dozen bottles in, going through the rows picking out different ones before filling the box full and putting it down before getting another before he turned the corner and it was like it kept expanding, Ravus going through the bottles like anyone would go through a library to look at books.

“Does it ever end? I could get lost in here.” Selena teased as Ravus grinned but kept his eyes moving through all the labels.

“You could.” Ravus answered but only half teasing himself before his phone went off.

“Yeah?” Ravus answered.

“Where are you?” Luna asked.

“In the wine cellar?” Ravus answered.

“Where at in the wine cellar?” Luna asked.

“I’m at the Rieslings, just about to head into the Moscatos. I already handed Darling some ice wines.” Ravus answered.

“Ooh, could you get me my favorite please?” Luna requested.

“Sure, what does Jock Strap want?” Ravus asked.

“Oh he’s found the bar, he’s good.” Luna snorted a laugh.

“Well then get me my favorite.” Ravus insisted.

“Already gotten.” Luna reassured him.

“Thanks, when you guys figure out what to get for dinner call me back.” Ravus urged his sister.

“Yup.” Luna nodded.  

“That’s really kind of sad that the house is so big, you have to call each other on your phones to talk to each other.” Selena teased as she leaned up against a brick wall and gave him a giddy smile.

“Oh trust me, once we start our family, you’ll be happy it’s as big as it is, in fact I think you’ll love it down here because it’ll be the one part of the house where the kids won’t be allowed to play and you’ll have some nice ‘quiet mommy time’.” Ravus gently teased her with a look that had Selena wishing she could speed up time just to get to that and she just couldn’t help but pull him away from the wines to pull him flush with her to kiss him deeply.

“Can’t wait.” Selena purred when they broke for air and Ravus put the box down but only to allow him to pin her to the brick wall behind her before he picked her up so that her legs wrapped around his waist and her arms wrapped around his shoulders as he slipped her panties to the side since she was wearing a sundress as he unzipped his shorts and quickly entered her and moaned with her.

“I can, it’ll be worth the wait. I promise.” Ravus beamed at her.

“Aww,” Selena fawned.

Meanwhile Hazel and Titus were about to get ready to go to the store when Hazel checked her phone for the time before the screen went haywire for a moment as Titus’ phone did the same before both her phone and Titus’ phone turned themselves off and wouldn’t turn back on and Hazel inhaled sharply as her eyes went wide with terror because she knew what was going to happen next.

“Titus, you either need to get to the car right now or you need to get into my bathroom and don’t come out unless I come in and get you.” Hazel immediately ordered and Titus blinked in surprise when he saw how terrified she suddenly looked.

“What are you talking about?” Titus asked.

“No time to explain, here.” Hazel decided for him before she seemed to pull a gun out from under her breakfast bar and put it into his hand and shoved him into the bathroom.

“Sit right here, don’t move, don’t make a sound and shoot anyone but me who tries to come in.” Hazel ordered, keeping her voice whisper quiet but the hiss to her voice put him on edge before Hazel quickly locked the bathroom and quickly ran to her door and pulled out another hand gun and watched through the keyhole as Charlotte and two body guards came walking purposefully down the hallway, each body guard taking up an end to the hall to leave Charlotte to approach Hazel’s door alone before she knocked her special knock.

“Please tell me you’ve come to say goodbye.” Hazel told her sister in Mandarin when she opened the door for her sister, her gun visible at her side as Charlotte came strutting into Hazel’s apartment as Hazel shut the door behind her as she warily watched her sister.

“I came with a warning.” Charlotte began and Hazel’s stomach dropped. “You should go out to dinner tonight.” Charlotte suggested.

“Where and with who?” Hazel’s eyes narrowed suspiciously.

“It doesn’t matter where but I think you’ll know with who.” Charlotte grinned as she laid a manila envelope on the counter.

“What part of ‘I never want to be involved’ is hard to understand?” Hazel bit out.

“It’s Heaven’s wish, either serve the warning or you can try to Witchhazel.” Charlotte returned coolly and Hazel’s jaw clenched. “Your choice.” Charlotte shrugged before she stood in front of Hazel with a challenging smirk before hugging her sister before Hazel begrudgingly returned it.

“Why can’t you both go back to Hong Kong? At least you’d be safer there.” Hazel asked as she hugged her sister tighter, always feeling like she was seeing her sister for the last time when her sister came to her like this.

“Soon.” Charlotte answered and Hazel knew that was the closest to a straight answer she could ever get from Charlotte.

“Ok.” Hazel whispered.

“Now tell Titus hi for me and to keep his nose out of our business.” Charlotte offered in English as she let go of her sister and left, snapping her fingers once she was in the hallway before both henchmen were back at her side as she left the building as Hazel blew out a shaky breath as her cheeks burned as she put the gun back into it’s hiding spot and went over to the manila envelope and opened it to find a tiny flash drive and found 50 thousand dollars with it. Hazel just huffed and shook her head. She took the money out and when she did, she found ‘Warhorn Lion’ written on a piece of yellow paper that almost looked and felt like tissue paper but was in fact a recreation of the paper used by Chinese Emperors to write edicts and orders on- on the inside of the envelope in Mandarin calligraphy and Hazel just closed her eyes and fought not to cry.  

“Shit.” Hazel hissed as she got gloves on and took it out and folded it carefully, damning her hands for shaking. At least it wasn’t Titus’ name. She put the paper and the flash drive into a new envelope and into her purse before she put the money into her lock box and once she was done she took her gloves off and threw them away before she knocked on the door to the bathroom off her bedroom where she had put Titus.

“It’s safe now Baby.” Hazel called out softly as she unlocked the door and opened it to find Titus still sitting in the same spot she left him in.

“What the fuck is going on?” Titus demanded as he stood up and stared at her incredulously.

“If I answered that, I’d have to kill you myself.” Hazel answered defeated-ly as she took her gun back to put it away.

“What kind of convoluted clandestine bullshit is that?!” Titus spat angrily as he followed her and took note of where it had come from in the first place, having sat right there before and not having the smallest clue it had been there the whole time.

“The kind of convoluted clandestine bullshit that will get you killed, moreover it’s the kind of convoluted clandestine bullshit that puts car bombs under cars and straps C4 to someone’s chest and tells them to walk into hospitals and schools with the power to bring anyone to their knees before it lops off their heads, that kind. The kind that already knows your name, where you work, your routines, the truck you drive and where you are at all times. The kind that’s kept a tail on me since I went to college, the kind that has already buried the last nosy boyfriend. So do yourself a favor if you want to live and let it go and never, ever breathe a word of this ever again. This is your one warning. The next time you bring this up, that sniper on that roof right over there will shoot you and I’ll have to change the carpet again because blood doesn’t come out from white carpet well.” Hazel snarled as she pointed her finger into his chest, the tip digging into his flesh hard every time she said the word ‘you’ as tears flowed freely from her eyes as her expression was a pleading one as Titus just stared in shock at her as he finally really sensed what kind of predicament and danger she must be in and all he wanted to do was make her feel safe again, he didn’t care if he had to set the world on fire to do it either. He knew Hazel was smart, brilliant even and as badass as the day was long but if his Hazel was this scared, she would only have every justification to be so.

“Ok.” Titus answered softly as finally nodded as he brought her in and hugged her tight and kissed the crown of her head.

“Obviously you don’t have a choice in this. If this is the way it has to be then it’s the way it has to be.” Titus offered as Hazel just broke down crying and bawled into his chest and when she was done, she pulled herself back together and kissed him so deeply it started their own familiar chain of events and once satisfied, they left and went about their day, Titus doing his best to act like nothing was wrong and that nothing had happened out of the usual.

“Hey you wanna meet up with Cor and Ada for dinner?” Hazel asked innocently as they were putting their groceries away.

“Yeah sure.” Titus nodded and texted Cor.

“Where to?” Titus asked Hazel.

“I don’t care, whatever they want is fine.” Hazel waived off. “Actually I could go for some rice noodles though, maybe Chinese? Japanese? Vietnamese? Thai? Something like that.” Hazel waived off.  

“The Mandarin?” Titus suggested, knowing that was her favorite Chinese restaurant, it was a bit upscale but very authentic and the whole menu was in Mandarin and English and he loved the way Hazel could order for them in nothing but Mandarin and get things that weren’t even on the menu.

“Perfect.” Hazel beamed and once at the restaurant, Cor was exceptionally happy and even giddy because he had gotten a break in the Gilgamesh case that day and Hazel was grateful that she wasn’t sitting right next to him but feared for Ada, knowing that Ada was in grave danger but was powerless to say anything to her directly. Hazel excused herself from the table and took her server aside as she went to the bathroom and gave her a hundred dollar bill if she put the envelope into Cor’s bill. Hazel having taken the envelope out with a tissue and put it into a folded napkin to hand to the server who thought it was some kind of practical joke before the owner, who had been watching over them, took the envelope and looked inside before their eyes went wide for a moment and made a quick phone call before they nodded and got a red envelope and wrote something out with a calligraphy pen and comped not just Cor and Ada’s meal but Titus and Hazel’s too.

“Mr. Leonis, could you please come with me?” The owner asked Cor as he came and pointed to the bill as if the card had gotten declined.

“Oh, that shouldn’t of...” Cor said as he got up and got his wallet out as he followed the owner to the cash register.

“Oh no, your card wasn’t declined, no your meal was taken care of already but I didn’t want to disturb your party by handing you this.” The owner said as he handed Leonis a red cash envelope typically given to newly weds at their wedding.

“What does this say?” Cor asked as he pointed to the writing on the envelope.

“It says ‘compliments of Emperor Gilgamesh’.” The owner answered.

“Fuck.” Cor breathed. “Is he here? Like right now?” Cor asked the owner.

“Of course not. Even if he was, you could not do anything Marshal.” The owner pointed out with a smug grin.

“I could have you arrested for aiding and abetting.” Cor threatened.

“Perhaps you should look at the flash drive first before you make any foolish threats.” The owner suggested sagely as Cor narrowed his eyes and got the flash drive and put it into his phone before picture after picture of Ada and Ada and himself came up on the screen before a new message came into his phone with a picture of himself, Ada and Titus in the cross-hairs from a scope while they were still there at the restaurant and Cor looked up and searched the room, trying to find the threats and the vantage points these pictures were taken from.

“It really would be quite rude to answer generosity with disrespect. Perhaps you should go home now.” The owner suggested. “And please do not think that my restaurant is unique in that his Majesty has reign here. There is no where any of you could ever go that he would not come for you.” The owner warned. “And if I may let you in on a secret. His Majesty is being lenient with you and has written your name in black. This is your warning that you have come too close. If you come any closer, he will write your name in white. White is the color of death in our culture. And it will be as if he would have written your death warrant.” The owner added and Cor gulped.

“Understood.” Cor nodded before he went back to the table and tried to casually get them all out of there as the owner came and thanked them for coming and invited them back as he handed Hazel a to go container of her favorite dumplings- raw so she could steam them herself when she got home and once back in Titus’ truck Hazel found a thick black card with what Gilgamesh liked to referred to her as written in gold ink along with a quick message of thanks.

“What does that say?” Titus asked as he noticed it.

“It says ‘thank you’ and my name.” Hazel answered honestly.

“I’ve never gotten a thank you for getting takeout from here.” Titus frowned.

“Well you’re not on first name basis and friends with the family.” Hazel tried to reason with a lop sided grin as Titus nodded in understanding.

“So that’s why our meal was free?” Titus asked.

“Yup.” Hazel nodded.

“So...I’m thinking we should take up a new hobby together.” Titus began.

“Which is?” Hazel asked curiously.

“Shooting. I’m already into hunting, I need to be a better shooter though.” Titus realized as he squeezed her hand a little tighter and gave her a gentle yet reassuring look and watched as Hazel’s grin grew into a full blown smile.

“That would be...amazing.” Hazel praised as she squeezed his hand back tightly and just fell in love with him a little more. Because usually right about now any guy would be running for the hills but instead, Titus was making plans to stay and try to help her.

“Wanna stay at my house tonight?” Titus asked.

“Hell yeah.” Hazel nodded as Titus then turned to head to his house since Hazel already had enough of her things to stay there for a few months straight already.

Once back at his house, Titus put her dumplings in the fridge before he turned to face her, wanting to tell her a thousand different things all at once as he had thought about her predicament all day.

“So, if I wanted my house as secure and defend-able as possible, how would I go about that?” Titus asked her before she grabbed the shopping list pad off of his fridge and a pen and handed them to him.

“Take notes.” Hazel grinned as Titus returned her grin and took them before Hazel began to go through the whole house and tell him exactly how to accomplish that and insisted that she pay for it all because it would be getting quite costly but it was investment in Titus’ well being and would help her sleep easier at night.

[mariesmemes]

PULP FICTION (1994) MEME:

“Don't you hate that?”

“What?”

“Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?”

“I don't know. That's a good question.”

“That's when you know you've found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.”

“Whose motorcycle is this?”

“It's a chopper, baby.“

“I'm American, honey. Our names don't mean shit.”

“Fuck, ___, what the fuck did you do to his towel?”

“I was dryin' my hands.”

“You're supposed to wash 'em first!”

“I love you, Honey Bunny.”

“___, did you ever hear the philosophy that once a man admits that he's wrong that he is immediately forgiven for all wrongdoings? Have you ever heard that?”

“The night of the fight, you may feel a slight sting. That's pride fucking with you. Fuck pride. Pride only hurts, it never helps.”

“Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go home and have a heart attack.”

“Mmmm! Goddamn, ___! This is some serious gourmet shit! Usually, me and ___ would be happy with some freeze-dried Taster's Choice right, but he springs this serious GOURMET shit on us! What flavor is this?”

“___, do you still want to hear my Fox Force Five joke?”

“Sure, but I think I'm still a little too petrified to laugh.“

“No, you wont laugh, 'cus it's not funny. But if you still wanna hear it, I'll tell it.“

“I can't wait.”

“Three tomatoes are walking down the street- a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and smooshes him... and says, Catch up.”

“What the fuck's happening, man? Ah, shit man!”

“Whoa!”

“Why the fuck did you do that?!”

“Oh man, I shot ___ in the face.”

“The way your dad looked at it, this watch was your birthright. He'd be damned if any slopes gonna put their greasy yellow hands on his boy's birthright, so he hid it, in the one place he knew he could hide something: his ass. Five long years, he wore this watch up his ass. Then when he died of dysentery, he gave me the watch. I hid this uncomfortable piece of metal up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little man, I give the watch to you.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... stop right there. Eatin' a bitch out, and givin' a bitch a foot massage ain't even the same fuckin' thing.”

“It's not. It's the same ballpark.”

“Ain't no fuckin' ballpark neither. Now look, maybe your method of massage differs from mine, but, you know, touchin' his wife's feet, and stickin' your tongue in her Holiest of Holies, ain't the same fuckin' ballpark, it ain't the same league, it ain't even the same fuckin' sport. Look, foot massages don't mean shit.”

“Have you ever given a foot massage?”

“Don't be tellin' me about foot massages. I'm the foot fuckin' master.”

“Given a lot of 'em?”

“Shit yeah. I got my technique down and everything, I don't be ticklin' or nothin'.”

“Would you give a guy a foot massage?”

“Fuck you.”

“You see that, ___? Respect. Respect for one's elders gives character.”

“Bitch, be cool!”

“I do believe your boss, told you to take ME out and do WHATEVER I WANTED. Now I wanna dance, I wanna win. I want that trophy, so dance good.”

“I was looking at myself in the mirror.”

“I hate to shatter your ego, but this is not the first time I've had a gun pointed at me.”

“You know what they put on French fries in Holland instead of ketchup?”

“What?”

“Mayonnaise.”

“Goddamn.”

“I've seen 'em do it, man. They fuckin' drown 'em in that shit.”

“I ain't saying it's right. But you're saying a foot massage don't mean nothing, and I'm saying it does. Now look, I've given a million ladies a million foot massages, and they all meant something. We act like they don't, but they do, and that's what's so fucking cool about them. There's a sensuous thing going on where you don't talk about it, but you know it, she knows it, fucking Marsellus knew it, and Antwone should have fucking better known better. I mean, that's his fucking wife, man. He can't be expected to have a sense of humor about that shit. You know what I'm saying?”

“___! It's ___. I'm in big fuckin' trouble, man. I'm coming to your house.”

“Whoa. Whoa. Hold your horses, man. What's the problem?”

“I've got this chick, she fuckin' O.D.in' on me!”

“Well, don't bring her here! I'm not even fuckin' joking with you, man! Do not be bringing some fucked-up pooh-bah to my house!”

“Strip.”

“All the way?”

“Now ___, hand them the soap.”

“That's the Marilyn Monroe section that's Mamie Van Doren... I don't see Jayne Mansfield, she must have the night off or something.”

“What the fuck is this place?”

“This is "___". An Elvis man should love it.”

“Come on, ___. Let's go and get a steak.”

“You can get a steak here daddy-o.”

“Oh after you, Kitty Kat.”

“So what does it feel like to kill a man with your bare hands? It's a topic I'm very interested in.”

“I have to go powder my nose.”

“Don't you just love it when you come back from the bathroom and find your food waiting for you?”

“I'll be there in two shakes of a lamb's tail.”

[scoobyboos]

pppppuke

rant but

i hate the place i’m in right now.

i hate that i have no friends.

i hate that im not losing weight.

i hate that i can see myself slipping away but can’t stop it.

i hate that literally 80% of my day is spent disassociating 

i hate that i cant find words to express myself anymore when i used to pride myself in it. 

i hate that everyone else loves this fucking college and i seem to be the only one that can’t fucking stand it.

i hate that i feel trapped in a place that i feel like i cant escape either because i’m scared or can’t afford to leave financially. 

just writing this is so hard because lately i can’t focus more than five seconds without zoning out. i don’t write anymore because i Can’t. i try to pull stories together but they fall apart before i can even get the first words down because i badger myself with what ifs and suddenly it’s no fun anymore.

i want to cry and scream because i feel my fucking soul shutting down and losing whatever light i’ve managed to hold on to because i have no fucking friends here. i feel socially alienated. i wish i was exaggerating but i can’t remember the last time i had a meaningful conversation with someone in my life standing in front of me. i feel like i can’t talk to anyone about anything -- whether it be my feelings or deeper things like spirituality and the world -- because they’ll look at me weird or won’t care or won’t understand. it’s so cheesy but that cliche bird in a cage analogy is so accurate. i feel like i can’t be myself here because half the college knows me as ‘danielle’s little sister’ or !!! better !! the girl that got rejected from all 12 sororities twice!!! HAHA CANT TELL YOU HOW FUCKING SORE THAT ONE STILL IS.

piggybacking onto that i guess is the fact that i can’t make a meaningful connection with anyone in my life. the only time i feel like i can speak to people is when im at concerts or speaking with band members because i feel like they get me. i feel like they have a sense of self and they’re grounded. when i talk to people around me i feel like i’m talking to a wall or somebody so passive that they just don’t care, and i can’t tell if that’s a reflection of me i’m putting on them or if that’s what is really happening. it’s the same shit and there is no! connection ! it’s literally just ‘i’m tired’ ‘me too’ and other bullshit. it’s never anything remotely interesting and im fucking exhausted of it and i’d rather just not speak at all but that wont make me any friends.

the place i’m in right now is so difficult to deal with. i know i have potential to be more and do more but i feel like the opportunities aren’t coming, or i can’t find a place to get my foot through the door. i know i can be social and make friends but i can’t get an opportunity and everything i have tried has backfired so badly. i know that i can expand spiritually and get to know myself more but something is holding me back and i feel like it’s just about everything mentioned above. i know i can be a good friend to people and make those special connections but i feel like nobody ever wants to speak with me or they’re bothered when they speak with me, or if i do speak with them they’re just passive. i don’t know where to go from here and i feel like i’m in a rut i can’t get out of.

i guess i could call it disassociating but it’s not diagnosed. like i said lately i can’t focus at ALL, but it’s to the point where when im in a conversation with people im not fully invested and i Notice that but i can’t do anything to change it and i feel like im an outsider in the conversation or a third party. i don’t know how to reengage myself and be present and get past that because it’s almost like dreaming? you recognize it but you’re not conscious enough to do anything about it. in classes i cant pay attention for more than about 30 seconds before my mind wanders. i tried taking notes for class and had to run to the library and even then just reading the sentences was killing me because i couldn’t comprehend any of it. none of this ever used to be a problem and meditation and yoga helps with it a little bit but not nearly as much as i need it to.

as much as i’m struggling i’m nowhere to the point where i was in high school and i never plan to be that low again. i know i’m capable of getting past this, but the hard part is how. i’m going to keep trying to do whatever i can to get in touch with people and shake the idea that im a third party in my own body. i’m going to look into transferring colleges because as much as i hate giving up, at this rate i can’t stay here or i’ll lose my mind. 

mostly i just think i need a fucking break. i’m thankful for the life i’ve had because, yes, i’ve had huge traumas, but i’ve also been spared a lot of the crisises people experience like car accidents and shit. i still dont want those and im thankful that i’ve been so lucky this far, but i need a break emotionally. i need life to let up and give me a few breaks and opportunities for me to make something good. i need some luck thrown at me so i can have a Good day and not just a meh day. (which is sorta bullshit wording because i know you choose to be happy but we are going to ignore that for now)

and i desperately need another concert and april couldn’t come quicker but like what else is new.

[ncvabcrn-archive]

tw: venting, ranting, long post, negative, suicide mention, etc.. To be honest...

I am not okay, I haven’t been “okay” in half a YEAR.

Okay, look. I don’t expect anyone to give a fuck about how I feel, most of my followers (2/3) are inactive or archive blogs. I don’t want any “feel better soon!! uwu” shit because it really doesnt help how I feel AT ALL. (note that this is also just me pouring my heart out so it wont make much sense as any of my other posts.)

I don’t know how long it’s been since I last took my pills, but I’m afraid to start up again; I don’t even know WHY. But it’s a cause for my bullshit.

Over the past few weeks you might’ve notice me seem a bit more negative than usual, I think I have a reason for that. I’m realizing that the internet ruined my life at a young age and I can’t even escape it at this point.

All of my life has been nothing but fighting, drama and overall me being oblivious or a stuck up asshole who is overprotective of something/someone. It become more of the ladder (latter?) when the “September incident” shit started and I don’t think I’ve recovered from it, at all. As much as I’m more mature I still feel hurt an betrayed by a lot of people that didn’t bat an eye at me just because of a massively inaccurate statement someone made about me because they were “mad”.

I always get into fights with people, but I’m so sensitive. I didn’t have a chance to “Toughen up” when I was younger, no one even cared about my mental illness at school at all and threw me in with the worst ones just because of my tourettes an anger issues. It only got worse when my dad was kicked out, I just want him to come back home but he never will. And you can blame my mom for that.

My mother is... Almost as emotional as I am, but more verbally violent, and threatened physical abuse a few times. I don’t feel SAFE in my own home anymore, I feel judged all the time by family members when its THEIR OWN DAMN FAULT IM LIKE THIS.

I can barely vent to anyone without being told that I’m “wrong” or the same bullshit excuses I get from everyone. I feel like no one cares about me anymore, I feel like a massive burden on everyones shoulders. I can’t even joke about certain things or talk about my special interests without being shamed for them in some way, theres barely anyone that seems to enjoy something as much as I do for some reason. It used to be like that before but now? It feels like everyone is just moving away from me, was it something I said or did? Am I just that much of a toxic person now or something?

No one ever tells me because they dont want to “hurt my feelings”. Not telling me is gonna make it SO MUCH WORSE. I dont try to lash out, but I apologize a lot if I do. I just wish people would stop thinking that I would be more upset if you DO tell me that I’m doing something wrong.

Not to mention, my motivation to keep writing Fork in the Road has been declining ever since I got the anon telling me that “my story will never be original”. And it’s true, and that sucks. I just want to have fun but I can never make things fit together and it’s a mess. But I love Ally so much, even if I don’t think they’re a good oc sometimes, but I guess 1001 people think otherwise, huh? Not like numbers MATTER or anything.

No, I won’t kill myself, as much as I want to just stop existing to everyone. I fear death as much as I joke about it. I know the consequences because I’ve heard of horror stories of what happens if you do it and if you fail. I just..

I don’t feel safe anywhere, I don’t feel good at anything I do. I feel like someone eventually will betray me and use whatever I say or do against me so I’ll lose everyone again. I know I’m only a teenager that fucked up. I’m attention starved probably, and I wish I wasn’t. I think I’m all these bad things and I just want my brain to SHUT UP. It won’t and I have to live with this and I can’t SAY anything about it because no one wants to hear it as much as they say “i will always listen” or “im here for you” because most of the people who say that don’t actually mean it.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for bottling everything up and I’m sorry that I’m even here to bother everyone.