#if you could only take the chance and say something or do something or take the shot

[meazalykov]

everybody moved on, but I stayed there

barcelona femeni x bayern frauen x reader

summary: its hard to adjust when you thought your old life would be your only life

warnings: angst

the call came early in the morning, the kind of call you had always dreaded but never truly believed would come. 

your agent’s voice on the other end of the line was steady, professional, but it carried a weight that crushed you the moment they spoke.  

“barcelona isn’t offering a renewal,” they said, their tone careful, like they knew the devastation these words would bring.  

you sat in your small apartment, the sunlight streaming through the window, mocking you with its warmth. the city outside was alive as always, the sound of bustling streets filling the background, but inside, you felt frozen. 

“what do you mean?” you asked, your voice barely above a whisper.  

“they’re making some tough financial decisions,” your agent explained, trying to soften the blow. 

“it’s not about your performance. you’ve been phenomenal, but they’re restructuring. you know how it is... fighting for spots in the best team in the world. unfortunately, they’ve decided to let your contract expire.”  

the words hit you like a punch to the gut. you had spent three years at barcelona, pouring your heart and soul into everything. you had thought this was your forever, the club you would retire at, the city you would grow old in.  

“so, that’s it?” you said after a long silence. 

“i’m just... done here?”  

your agent hesitated, then sighed. 

“i know this is hard, but listen. you’re one of the best defenders in the world. clubs are already reaching out, and we have options. lyon, chelsea, orlando, bayern munich—they’re all interested. they’re practically throwing themselves at the chance to sign you.”  

you didn’t respond. you couldn’t. the idea of leaving barcelona, leaving everything you had built here, felt impossible.  

“y/n?” your agent’s voice broke through your haze. 

“i know this is tough, but you need to think about your next step. you have a bright future ahead of you. you can be at a club that actually wants to keep you.”  

you hung up soon after, unable to stomach the conversation any longer. the rest of the day passed in a blur. you avoided your teammates, knowing the questions and the pitying looks they would give you.

the decision wasn’t even yours to make, but the weight of it pressed down on you like it was. every day at training, you felt it in the pit of your stomach, an ache that wouldn’t go away. you tried to mask it—forcing a smile here and there, going through the motions during drills—but it didn’t take long for your teammates to notice.  

you looked down at your training kits and game kits everyday since that phone call, knowing this would be your final weeks wearing the barcelona name. 

“are you okay?” alexia asked one afternoon after practice, her voice gentle. she had always been perceptive, her captain’s instincts sharp. you nodded quickly, brushing her off with a vague excuse about being tired. 

she didn’t press, but her eyes lingered on you, worried.  

by the time the news had fully sunk in, you could hardly meet anyone’s gaze. every touch of the ball, every shared laugh in the locker room, felt like another goodbye you weren’t ready to say.  

you hadn’t been yourself on the pitch, your passes lacking their usual precision, your tackles hesitant. when the session ended, everyone filed into the dressing room, chatting and laughing as always, but you stayed silent, your head down as you untied your boots.  

keira, sitting next to you, noticed your distant expression. she nudged your shoulder lightly. 

“what’s up with you today? you’ve been... off.”  

you froze, the question catching you off guard. for a moment, you thought about brushing it off again, but something about the concern in her voice broke the wall you’d been holding up for weeks. your hands trembled as you placed your boots down, and before you could stop it, tears welled up in your eyes.  

the room fell silent as everyone noticed. keira leaned closer, her voice soft. 

“y/n? what’s wrong?”  

you took a shaky breath, your voice breaking as you finally spoke. “i have to leave,” you said, the words feeling like shards of glass in your throat. 

“barcelona isn’t renewing my contract.”  

gasps echoed around the room, followed by an overwhelming silence. the weight of your confession seemed to crush the air out of the space.  

“what do you mean they’re not renewing your contract?” aitana asked, her voice sharp with disbelief.  

“i thought you’d be here forever,” vicky added, her brow furrowed.  

you shook your head, wiping at your face as the tears kept falling. 

“i thought so too. but... they said it’s financial. they can’t offer me a new deal. it’s not up to me.”  

“no,” mariona said quietly, standing up and crossing the room to sit beside you. her arm wrapped around your shoulders as she pulled you close. 

“this can’t be happening.”  

you leaned into her, the comfort of her presence grounding you as sobs shook your body. mariona held you tightly, her own voice breaking as she whispered, 

“i understand. i know what it’s like. i’m leaving too, remember? i thought this was my forever club, just like you. sometimes, things don’t work out the way we want them to. you’ll be okay, nina.”  

the rest of the team sat in stunned silence, the reality sinking in. salma finally spoke, her voice steady but full of emotion. 

“this isn’t fair. you've tried your hardest for this team. we’ve all seen it.”  

“it’s not fair,” you agreed, your voice barely audible. 

“but it’s happening. and i have to accept it, sal.”  

mapi, sitting across from you, shook her head. 

“accept it? no, we’re not accepting this. you’re one of us. no matter where you go, you’ll always be one of us.”  

their words brought a fresh wave of tears, but this time, they weren’t entirely from sadness. amidst the heartbreak, there was comfort in knowing how much you meant to them.  

mariona squeezed your shoulder, her voice warm despite the sadness in her eyes.

“wherever you go, they’re lucky to have you. it’s okay to be upset right now. we’re upset too, you’ll grow to love your new club just as much as you love us.”  

you nodded, taking a deep breath as you tried to steady yourself. “i’m going to miss all of you so much,” you said, your voice trembling.  

“we’re going to miss you too,” keira said softly, and a murmur of agreement swept through the room.  

the rest of the evening passed in a haze of hugs, tears, and promises to stay in touch. mariona stayed by your side the entire time, her presence a constant source of comfort. as someone who was also leaving, she understood your pain in a way no one else could.  

when you finally left the locker room that night, the reality of your departure felt a little less heavy. your teammates’ love and support reminded you that even though you were leaving barcelona, you would always carry a part of it with you.

alexia tried to talk to you after everyone left, her voice soft.  

“we’ll miss you,” she said, her eyes searching yours for any sign of emotion.  

you forced a smile, nodding as your throat tightened. “i’ll miss you too.” but even as you said the words, it didn’t feel real.  

packing up your life in barcelona was harder than you expected. every corner of your apartment, every street you walked, every café you passed, was filled with memories. leaving felt like abandoning a part of yourself.  

when the offer from bayern munich came, you accepted it with a numb sense of duty. it wasn’t excitement that drove your decision, but necessity. you couldn’t stay in barcelona, and bayern seemed like the best option.  

the first few weeks in munich were strange. the city was beautiful, the people were welcoming, but it didn’t feel like home. 

your new teammates were kind, going out of their way to include you in team dinners and outings. georgia took you out for coffee, and sydney invited you over for dinner. they made an effort, but no matter how hard they tried, you couldn’t shake the feeling of being an outsider.  

“how are you settling in?” klara asked one evening after training. the two of you were stretching on the pitch as the sun dipped below the horizon, casting a warm glow over the stadium.  

you shrugged, avoiding her gaze. 

“it’s... fine.”  

klara gave you a sympathetic look. 

“it’ll feel like home eventually. i know how you feel.. just give it time.”  

you nodded, but deep down, you weren’t so sure.  

despite your inner turmoil, your performance on the pitch was stellar. you threw yourself into training, determined to prove that you belonged. the bayern fans quickly grew to love you, chanting your name in the stands during every match.

even as you celebrated victories with your new team, a part of you longed for the camaraderie you had at barcelona.  

when you heard about barcelona’s successes, you felt a pang of jealousy. not because you wanted them to fail, but because you wished you were still a part of it.  

“do you ever talk to them?” georgia asked one day as the two of you sat in the locker room after a match.  

“sometimes,” you admitted, scrolling through your phone. your former teammates still messaged you, names like esmee, alexia, and keira lighting up your screen with texts like, “we miss you,” and “come visit soon.” but it wasn’t the same.  

months passed, and slowly, you began to find your footing in munich. 

when bayern beat real madrid in the champions league quarterfinals, you felt a surge of happiness you hadn’t felt in a long time. the way the team celebrated in the locker room reminded you of the joy you used to feel at barcelona after an el clasico game against the same time you played tonight. 

for the first time, you allowed yourself to believe that maybe you could be happy here.  

then, the semifinal draw happened. bayern munich vs. barcelona. 

your stomach twisted when you saw it. the thought of facing your old team felt like a cruel twist of fate.  

“are you ready for this?” sydney asked as the team prepared for the first leg in munich.  

“i don’t know,” you admitted.  

the match was intense. you found yourself marking aitana, the two of you locked in a fierce battle throughout the game. every time she tried to break through, you were there, blocking her path. 

by the end of the match, it was 1-1, with goals from alexia and pernille.  

“good game,” alexia said afterward as the two of you crossed paths in the tunnel. there was a flicker of something in her eyes—pride, maybe? or nostalgia? you couldn’t tell.  

“thanks,” you replied, your voice tight.  

the second leg in barcelona felt different. walking into the stadium, you expected to feel a sense of loss, but instead, you felt... content. 

this was your old home, but it didn’t define you anymore.  

however, your heart thumped in your chest, not from nerves—at least, that’s what you told yourself—but from the weight of what this game meant. the second leg of the champions league semifinal. bayern munich vs. barcelona. your old club vs. your new club.  

giulia adjusted her captain’s armband slightly beside you as your hands steady on your mascot’s shoulders.. despite the whirlwind of emotions threatening to overwhelm you. the kid mascot looked up at you with her wide eyes, clutching your hand tightly. 

you smiled down at the young girl, offering a small squeeze of reassurance, even though you could have used some yourself.  

the players began walking out, the bright lights of the stadium flooding your vision as the roar of the crowd hit you like a tidal wave. it was deafening. thousands of voices chanting, cheering, and shouting in a language that used to feel like your own.  

you stepped onto the pitch, the familiar sight of camp nou stretching out before you. the stands were a sea of red and blue. 

for a moment, you felt a flicker of encouragement, a warmth in your chest. this was barcelona—this was home.  

wait a minute??? it's not. you cringed as reality hit, sharp and unforgiving. the cheers weren’t for you. not anymore. they were for the players in blaugrana, for the badge you no longer wore. 

you were bayern now. the crowd that once lifted you, chanted your name, celebrated your every move—they were now cheering against you.  

the realization stung more than you wanted to admit. your steps faltered slightly as you made your way to the center of the pitch, your head held high despite the ache in your heart.  

yet, amidst the overwhelming roar of the home fans, another sound reached your ears. it was faint at first, but it grew louder the more you focused on it. the bayern munich away fans, tucked into a corner of the massive stadium, were cheering for your team. 

their voices didn’t carry the same weight in numbers, but there was something in their tone—raw, passionate, unwavering—that hit you differently.  

they went through the lineup and gave the girls name chants. after pernille, they started chanting your name. your name.  

the sound of their voices cut through the noise of the home crowd, filling you with a strange sense of belonging. they weren’t just cheering for bayern; they were cheering for you.  

you straightened your posture, a quiet resolve settling over you. 

the kid beside you tugged at your hand, pulling your attention back. you smiled down at them again, this time with a bit more confidence.  

the anthem began playing, and you sang along quietly, your voice steady as the camera panned across the line of players. the stadium was exciting, the tension building as kickoff loomed.  

as the anthem ended and the players began to move into position, you took one last glance at the crowd. the cheers for barcelona still rang loud and proud, but the bayern fans’ voices echoed in your ears, grounding you in the moment.  

you were here for them now. and for yourself.  

the whistle blew, and the game began.

this game was one of the best of your career. you cleared shots from ewa, stopped aitana in her tracks, and made a crucial save against kika nazareth-- a forward you never got to play with. 

when you took a corner kick in the 89th minute, you didn’t expect anything to come of it. but the ball curved perfectly, slipping past cata and into the net.  

the stadium fell silent for a moment before erupting into german chaos. your jaw dropped as you covered your mouth in disbelief. your teammates swarmed you, their joy infectious.  

however, you didn’t celebrate. you couldn’t. out of respect for the club that gave you everything, you simply walked back to your position, your head held high.  

after the final whistle blew, bayern advanced to the final with a 3-1 aggregate score. as you walked off the pitch, you avoided looking at your former teammates. you were afraid of what you might see in their eyes—anger, disappointment, betrayal.  

later that night, as you lay in bed, your phone buzzed with a message from alexia. 

“we are proud of you. good luck in the final :)”  

it took you a moment to process her words. maybe they didn’t hate you after all.  

as bayern prepared for the champions league final against manchester city, you felt lighter. the weight of barcelona no longer pressed down on you like it used to. 

you would always cherish your time there, but you were starting to realize that your future was here, with bayern.  

and for the first time, you were okay with that.  

masterlist

[azzibuckets]

sweet [part three]

paige bueckers x azzi fudd

word count: 2k

masterlist

Paige has only ever fallen in love once.

She knows that it’s wrong, everything against her moral code, to have a girl in her bed while thinking of another one entirely. But in the middle of the night, when Ella is fast asleep and Paige shifts away to her side of the bed, her thoughts can’t help but wander to soft brown eyes and long tan legs. When Ella chooses a sweater from her closet to throw on, she can’t help but think of how Azzi wore it better.

But these are just remnants of feelings, Paige reminds herself. She’d gotten over Azzi long ago, when she’d realized there was no chance her best friend could ever reciprocate the same feelings. Azzi was always the first one to slip out after sex, talking about having to study or do something important. More often than not, Paige woke up to an empty bed. Azzi was the one who always changed the subject whenever Paige brought up their situationship, clearly not wanting to take things further. Azzi was the one who had met Ella enthusiastically, patting Paige on the back.

In other words, Azzi Fudd was very much not in love with Paige Bueckers.

So Paige knows that it’s a good thing that Azzi seems to be distancing herself, that it would probably help snap whatever was going on them completely in half. A clean break from a universe where she’s not completely and utterly in love with the one person she can’t have. But Paige also knows that she’s going absolutely batshit crazy without her, which is how she finds herself outside of Azzi’s apartment in the middle of the night for the second time in two weeks.

As soon as the doors opens, Paige blurts out, “Did she say something to you?”

Azzi stares bleary eyed and dazed at her. Paige almost blushes at how cute Azzi looks in her little pajama shorts, the cloth riding up to show the smoothness of her thighs. Blushes. She needs to get ahold of herself.

“What?” Azzi’s sure she’s half hallucinating.

“If she said some shit to you, you can tell me. You know I don’t fuck with anyone who doesn’t fuck with you.”

“No, Paige.” Azzi rubs her temples. It’s always three steps forward and four steps back with them.

“Then what’s the problem?” Paige says, frustrated. “You‘ve barely been responding to any of my texts and you keep cancelling our plans.”

“The problem is that you’re willing to break up with your girlfriend for me!”

Paige’s expression turns sour. “That’s not what I said. I’m saying that you’re my best friend. And I care about what you think.”

“We’re not normal best friends, and you know it,” Azzi accuses. “Ella doesn’t deserve this. I know what it feels like, constantly worrying about another girl. It’s not fair of you to treat her like that.”

“You’re calling me a bad girlfriend?” Paige scoffs and looks away, a dirty taste in her mouth. “You don’t exactly have expertise in this area.”

Azzi’s lips tremble. “I can’t do this anymore, Paige.”

“Wait.” Paige reaches for her, flinching when Azzi pulls away. “I’m sorry, Az. I didn’t mean that.”

“I think we should-” Azzi exhales, gathering her thoughts. “We should take some space.”

“Space?” Paige wrinkles her nose. “We’re not even dating and you’re fucking breaking up with me?”

“It’s not like anything will change from the last few weeks.” Azzi folds her arms, looking like she’d rather be anywhere than here. “We barely even talk anymore and when we do, we’re fighting. This isn’t healthy. And - and Ella is good for you. She’s safe.”

“I don’t want space,” Paige says. “I can’t do space.” Her voice cracks, and Azzi only realizes now how bloodshot her eyes are, the bags underneath dark and pronounced. “Not from you.”

Azzi wipes her cheek with her sleeve. “I’m sorry.” She opens her mouth to say something, then cuts herself off by looking away, and Paige is well versed in everything Azzi - her body language, her habits, her tells - enough to know that the younger girl is hiding something from her.

“Say it.”

“Paige, stop.”

“Tell me!”

Azzi bites her bottom lip, worrying the skin with her teeth. “I was just gonna say…” she hesitates. “I was just gonna say that I’m seeing someone else too. So space would be good. For both of us. For me.”

“You’re seeing someone else?”

Azzi ducks her head. “It’s not any of your business, but yeah.”

“Who?”

“It’s really new. We’re not even dating yet.”

Paige’s heart drops. “Is it a girl?”

“Yeah.” Paige’s heart plummets all the way to the floor. A guy, maybe she could handle. A girl? There’s something so much more intimate about being with a woman, and she doesn’t know if she can handle even just thinking about Azzi lying in bed with another girl, touching another girl, loving another girl.

“Can I meet her?”

“I’m introducing her to the team next week. You can come if you want.”

Paige nods to herself, still trying to comprehend the fact that Azzi is with a woman - a woman that’s not her.

“I’m sorry.” Azzi repeats quietly. Then she turns her back, heading back to her room. “Lock the door on your way out.”

“Azzi.” It’s a last plea, a cry for help.

The younger girl halts, but she doesn’t turn around.

“We’re gonna be okay, right?” Paige’s voice is trembling.

“Of course we are.” But Azzi doesn’t sound so sure of herself.

Paige approaches her slowly from behind, putting her hands on her waist, hesitantly at first. When Azzi doesn’t move away, instead subconsciously leaning back into her touch, she rests her forehead on the younger girl’s shoulder, breathing in her scent, breathing in her. They stay like that for a few moments, breaths ragged, cheeks wet. Then Azzi’s covering her hands with her own, squeezing them gently before moving them away, stepping away, walking away, closing the door, and she’s gone.

Paige has only ever fallen in love once. Now, she thinks her heart has broken once too.

••

“I don’t like her.”

Ella brushes mascara over her lashes, dabbing at a dark blotch that had accidentally streaked her eyelid. “You haven’t even met her.”

“Well, I can already tell she’s a bitch.” Page grumbles, pacing the room for the fiftieth time that night.

“Don’t be insufferable,” Ella fixes Paige with a scrutinizing glare. “Come on, we’re gonna be late.” She grabs Paige’s hand, and Paige grimaces. Ella’s palms are always so clammy.

Much to Paige’s chagrin, her best friend isn’t even at her own apartment when they show up. The rest of the team is about to start the movie, so she sits in the corner with Ella as the lights dim. She can’t even eat the popcorn her girlfriend offers her, too busy thinking about what Azzi’s girl looks like.

Halfway through the movie, the door opens suddenly, and Azzi and the other girl fall in, giggling over something stupid. They freeze once they realize everyone’s eyes on them, but Azzi quickly straightens up and grabs her hand. “Everyone,” she says shyly. “This is Micaela.”

The entire team stands up at once, going to greet her with open arms, but Paige stays fixed to her seat, staring stubbornly at the movie. “Come on,” Ella gripes, nudging at her shoulder. “Don’t be rude.”

“Movie’s not done yet.” Paige finally reaches for the popcorn, steadfastly chewing the kernels without giving Micaela another glance.

Ella gives up, leaning back and folding her arms as she tosses another glare to the blonde. It’s only when Nika clears her throat that Paige looks up and realizes that everyone is staring at them expectantly.

Paige is resolved in her refusal to get up, but then she finally looks at Azzi. And Azzi is staring at her, with so much hurt and hope in her eyes, screaming you’re still my best friend, that Paige’s own chest hurts and she forces herself to stand up. “Hey,” she says gruffly, making her way over to Micaela and sticking out a reluctant hand. “Paige.”

“Paige! It’s so nice to meet you. I’m a huge fan!” Micaela gushes.

Paige arches an eyebrow at Nika, trying to hold back a laugh, but the brunette gives her a warning glare. Coughing away her laugh, Paige nods. “That’s cool. It’s nice to meet you too.” She glances over to Azzi, making sure she did okay. Azzi’s shoulders relax, her smile becoming a little brighter, and Paige’s eyes soften.

Everyone gathers on the couches to finish watching the movie, but all Paige can hear is the low tones coming from the kitchen, where Azzi and Micaela had stayed to make food. But when she enters, Micaela is gone, and Azzi is alone.

“Bathroom,” Azzi responds to Paige’s lifted eyebrow. Paige nods, opening up the cabinet and rummaging through the snacks, feeling the weight of Azzi’s stare on her back.

“We don’t have anymore Chex mix.”

Cursing under her breath, Paige closes the cabinet.

“Your girlfriend’s wearing my hoodie, by the way.”

Paige’s head snaps up. “What?”

“Her hoodie. It’s mine.” Azzi tilts her head, studying Paige carefully.

Paige’s face warms. “Sorry. I didn’t notice. She just took it off my bed.” Her blush intensifies when she realizes the mistake she’s accidentally just admitted, and from the tense look on Azzi’s face, she’d caught it too. But instead of addressing it, Azzi turns away, busying herself with making her sandwich.

Paige waits a little longer, hoping the younger girl will say something else, but she doesn’t. So when she returns and KK’s pouring out shots, she takes more than a few.

“Okay, y’all. We playing truth or dare,” KK announces after everyone’s had a few drinks in their system.

Ignoring the complaints, KK gathers everyone in a circle. “I’ll go first,” she declares.

With the shots she’d taken earlier, Paige feels a little loose, a nice warmth in her tummy. She’s almost relaxed when KK says, “I dare you to kiss the prettiest girl in the room.”

As if on instinct, Paige’s eyes flick to Azzi. It’s brief, and she only hesitates for a second, but it’s enough. Ella shifts uncomfortably beside her. KK is smirking, not even trying to hide the look on her face. And Paige swears she sees a hint of a smile on Azzi’s lips before she looks away.

“Come here,” she says softly, pulling Ella in and giving her a quick peck on the cheek.

“On the cheek is crazy,” she hears someone mutter. Jana elbows KK, who rolls her eyes.

KK goes around, insisting on a new version of truth or dare where she gets to ask everyone the question. Having grown accustomed to KK’s antics, no one even bothers to protest against her system.

“Azzi,” KK says. “Who was your New Year’s kiss?”

The whole team oohs. Last year, they’d been in a hotel for a game on the first day of January. Everyone had gathered in the lobby to watch the ball drop, but Paige had convinced Azzi to sneak off with her, saying that it just wouldn’t be right to start a new year without a kiss. Luckily, no one had put two and two together, but they’d all noticed Azzi returning with a goofy smile. Despite their pestering, Azzi had refused to tell them. Paige had thought it was to keep their situationship on the down low, but she realizes now that maybe it was because Azzi was embarrased of her. Her chest constricts.

“I can’t remember.”

Paige’s grip on her shot cup tightens. Azzi refuses to meet her eyes.

“Must’ve been pretty bad if you can’t remember,” Ice snickers. Paige swears she’s seeing red.

“Yeah.” Azzi pours herself another shot and drains it. “Must have.”

••

“I suck at a lot of things, but kissing isn’t one of them,” Paige says, her words slurring together.

“What did you want me to say? Both of our girlfriends were just sitting in there.” Azzi argues, just as buzzed as Paige is. The two of them glare at each other, the alcohol coursing through their bodies making them hotheaded. I wanted you to say that you kissed me. I wanted you to say that you liked kissing me. I wanted you to say that kissing you makes me feel alive in a way that nothing else can. I wanted you to feel the same. Paige’s chest heaves.

Micaela walks in, instantly picking up on the tension in the room. “Everything okay, babe?” Her hands circle Azzi’s waist as she eyes the blonde warily.

“Everything’s fine,” Paige says shortly. “We’re in the middle of something here. You can go.”

“I didn’t recall asking you.” Micaela snaps with a fire Paige didn’t know she had inside of her. “Are you good?” she directs the question at Azzi, drawing her closer.

“I’m fine.”

“Is she bothering you?”

Paige expects Azzi to open her mouth and tell Micaela off, like she always does whenever someone tries to pit the two of them against each other. Paige expects Azzi to laugh at the sheer thought of having to be saved from her best friend. But Azzi doesn’t do any of those things. She says, “Yeah, she is.” And she lets Micaela lead her away.

Is it possible to get your heart broken twice?

[veggiesxxx]

POV: You spend time with a guy "behind their back." (Part 2/4)

(reader is NOT cheating!!)

ft. Jealousy, fluff,

Sylus

Your phone buzzed, interrupting your conversation with your friend.

"And then, it started charging up it's attack-"

"Ugh, sorry. Somebody's spamming me." you mumbled, rolling your eyes, reaching to turn your phone over on the table, screen face down so you wouldn't have to look at the relentless messages.

"As I was saying-"

You tried to continue, only to hear your notifications blow up even faster, the buzzing incessant. You were convinced that if you didn't reply, your phone would combust in the middle of the café.

"Sorry. I've got to check this," you sighed, picking up your phone, lazily going to see who was the contact spamming you relentlessly.

"Sweetie who is that." "Is he bothering you?" "sweetie?" "Are you hurt? is he threatening you." "Y/N." "If u dont reply im coming over" "Why did you turn ur phone around." "Kitten who is he?"

Scrolling through the barrage of texts, your brows furrowed, immediately becoming suspicious. Sylus? How did...

You looked up, gazing intently at any pipes on the ceiling or dark corners a certain mechanical spy could be hiding. Knowing Sylus, and what to look for, it made finding the problematic Mephisto a lot easier. Your frown deepened, as the bird noticed you glaring at it. As if sensing your glare, the robot flapped its wings, cawing loudly. A customer walked into the café at that moment, and the bird cawed a final time, making it's presence known, returning your glare before taking the chance to fly out the open door before the owner chased it out. Poor man who walked in had to duck the diving 'bird' as it soared into whatever shadows outside.

After witnessing that 'spectacle', you turned your attention back to the phone in your hands, immediately tapping your thumbs on the screen, sending a reply to the spammer.

"Sylus? Why are you suddenly spying on me- in Linkon??" "I saw Mephisto. How long have you been watching me?" "No! Don't come!! I'm fine!"

You started to panic, heart sinking, frantically texting back so Sylus didn't appear and do something drastic-

"It's a bit too late for that, kitten. look up."

'What-?" You didn't get to snap out of the baffled daze before you felt a hand on your shoulder, and a rather threatening, unmistakable presence towering over you. You froze up, embarrassed that he was having this fit in front of your friend.

You glanced up at the Onychinus's big boss, your gaze following his— which was locked dangerously onto the man sitting opposite you.

"Sweetie, let's go." He snapped his eyes back onto you, his voice laced with not-so-subtle possessiveness and suppressed irritation, not leaving much room for argument. Sylus was obviously in one of his 'fits'.

Sighing, you shook your head in exasperation, getting up. You quickly apologised to your friend, shooting him a "sorry about him" glance. Sylus didn't wait for your pleasantries to be exchanged. In his eyes, getting you away from the other man was something to be done immediately.

Once outside the café, pulled by the hand, you confronted Sylus for his abrupt interruption of your peaceful lunch. "Seriously? You couldn't have waited for my answer? I replied in less than 5 minutes..."

"You turned the phone over." He asserted, like it was some important evidence. He crossed his arms over his chest, raising an eyebrow, not a hint of any teasing smirk on his face. This was serious, you noted mentally. In your head, it wasn't a big deal– he'd seen you flip the phone over multiple times when notifications became too annoying– but if he actually felt that this situation was significant...

"I did. Still, you know it's nothing- I do it all the time."

"Not to me. You always answer."

That.. was true. You never did ignore his messages.

"But you turned me away. For him." He continued, and you could swear you've never seen him so serious. Never.. not since your first meeting. "I thought something happened. Mephisto doesn't record audio." his voice was low, however, it couldn't hide the trace of vulnerability. Like he was trying to pretend he was this concerned because he thought you were unsafe with an unarmed man, rather than just afraid of losing you.

"Nothing happened, I'm fine, Sylus." you murmured, putting your hand over his, uncrossing his arms for him. You gently squeezed his hand, not really wanting to let him off the hook yet. "He's my friend. Just a friend,"

"Friend or not. He can't have what's mine.'

Your cheeks flushed, not expecting him to express or even acknowledge his own feelings so openly. You didn't look up at him, and he was glad for that- so he could hide his red ears.

"Overprotective, much?"

His solemn eyes raised, missing their usual glimmer of mirth, meeting yours, tilting his head, and a piece of his hair bobbed against his forehead.

“Call it what you want, sweetie. I'll always be here to watch over you.”

Despite yourself, you couldn’t help but smile. As infuriating as Sylus could be, his unwavering devotion had a way of making you feel safe—even when he went overboard.

“Fine, fine,” you gave in with a sigh. “But next time, just call me instead of sending your creepy bird, or yourself.”

Sylus’ smirk came back faintly, more like a relieved smile. “No promises.”

"I'm proud of you, though, kitten. You spotted Mephisto faster than I thought you would. How'd you learn that?"

"Yeah.. because all pipes have glowing red eyes.." you said, sarcasm slipping out.

"...Wait. Did you say next time?" His gaze grew more intense, eyeing you down.

"No next time. I'll snap his neck." He hissed, gripping your hand tighter in his.

"You keep those sharp eyes on me, sweetie. Where they belong."

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧༶

Hope you enjoyed!! Pls leave a note if u liked yay

Next :

╰┈➤ Zayne/Xavier (Part 3/4) [coming soon]

Previously :

╰┈➤ Rafayel (Part 1/4)

A/N: I don't know if this is too long lmao

Tags: @cordidy @liz9898

[jinwoosbabyboo]

I have a silly thought that I would like to share with you. Sometimes, I make random noises as a sort of verbal keysmash. Wouldn't it be funny if the verbal keysmashes were somehow Lemurian swear words? Or an old Philos curse?

Gibberish … Maybe?

How I imagine the LADS men reacting to you accidentally saying something in another language. Whole time you just made a random noise and have no clue what they’re even talking about. A/N: Imagine saying "manamana doot dee de dee tee" and they think you just cursed them out in a different language

Zayne

Doorways and staircases really suck sometimes because why did you completely forget what you came in the kitchen for as soon as you walked through the cased opening. You stood there dumbfounded and made a random noise which you could only refer to as a ‘verbal keyboard smash’

Zayne: Where did you learn that? MC: Learn what? Zayne: You just said ‘Forevermore’ in latin MC: I literally made the most random noise my brain could think of Zayne: That was latin clear as day MC: How the hell do you know latin? Zayne: I studied it MC: Why? Zayne: Why not?

From then on Zayne sends you random quotes in latin just to see if you can tell what they say. You keep telling him you never learned latin and have no clue what he’s talking about. After months of him teaching you bits of latin you two have your own little secret language now.

Rafayel

Your brain must've stopped working for a second because here you are opening the oven with your left hand and reaching in with your right hand. The problem? The oven mitt is on your left hand. Just as the tip of your finger is about to hit the edge of that scalding hot cookie sheet you pull your hand back making the most random shocked noise.

Rafayel: What did you just call me? MC: What are you talking about? Rafayel: You just basically called me a barnacle muncher in glubbanese MC: Glubba what?! Rafayel: Who taught you that? MC: Nobody taught me anything what in the blue fuck are you talking about? Rafayel: Are you seeing other Lemurians? MC: I made a random noise Raf get outta my ear with all this

You turned to pull your baked goods out of the oven and set them on the stove. You quickly turned the oven off before turning back to him.

MC: Also aren’t you the only Lemurian left Rafayel: Me and my aunt Talia … wait!

He grips you by the shoulders

Rafayel: Was it her?! I knew it! I'll be back MC: NO! I-

You didn’t get the chance to finish your sentence as he turned on his heels and made a beeline for the front door. You try to stop him from storming out the door, but he was too fast. You stare at the door dumbfounded because you still have no clue what the actual fuck glubbanese is.

Xavier

Xavier was the perfect body pillow to lean against while you read a book. Perhaps you were a little too immersed in your book because when the major plot twist came the most unintelligible string of gibberish came out of your mouth. You felt Xavier stiffen behind you which broke you immersion.

MC: What's wrong? Xavier: Why did you say that? MC: Say what? Xavier: You just said something rather strange in Philosian MC: I said what in philosophy? Xavier: I’d rather not repeat it MC: Xav I literally just made a random noise Xavier: Well that random noise is ‘hairy anus’ in philosian MC: WHAT???

You sat up so fast you somehow managed to fall off the couch hitting your elbow on the coffee table. Xavier pulled you back onto the couch checking to make sure you were okay before you notice the grin he’s trying to hold back. He finds this whole thing hilarious.

MC: Stop laughing! Xavier: I should’ve known you didn’t mean to say that MC: I didn’t say anything I made a random noise Xavier: I’m sure you’ll be more careful next time MC: If Philosian sounds like random throat noises then yea I guess I'll be more careful

Sylus

You were laying on the plush couch in Sylus’ study while he was taking a few business calls. He said he would be done soon however the boredom was getting to you. With absolutely zero thought you blurted out a random noise. You didn’t think much of it until you looked over and saw Sylus starring at you; his brows furrowed and his head cocked. You sat up confused on why he was looking at you as if you’d just called him a no neck bitch or something.

Sylus: Where did you learn that? And when? MC: Learn what? Sylus: You just tried to curse me MC: I didn’t do anything…… Sylus: That was a curse in ancient Philosian MC: That was random gibberish Sylus: …. MC: Fix your face Sylus: Trying to get rid of me sweetie? MC: I’m not trying to do anything! Sylus: Unfortunately for you those curses don’t work on me you’ll have to try something else MC: What in the blue hell do you mean ‘try something else’ I didn’t try anything in the first place!

Ever since you supposedly tried to curse him in a language you’d never heard of he’s constantly teasing you. He checks in from time to time to see if you’ve taught yourself any new spells and you tell him the same thing every time.

MC: Sylus it was a random noise Sylus: Keep telling yourself that Sorceress

[l-starsz]

Cheater billie shows up at readers door begging for a second chance

a/n: i have an idea for a part 2 of this is anyone wants it🫶

i was so exhausted. i’d had the busiest day and had only just got home. best believe i was going to bed straight away. i immediately went to my bedroom, brushing my teeth before changing into pyjamas. i was practically falling asleep whilst i took my makeup off.

as soon as i turned my light out and laid down in bed, i let out the biggest sigh of relief. i didn’t even bother to check my phone as i put it on charge and just laid there. in silence. under all of my blankets. falling asleep. i was so relaxed until i heard my phone buzz a few times.

i obviously ignored it. nothing was interrupting my sleep. well that’s what i thought.. until there was a knock at my door. i was so tired that i just convinced myself that i didn’t hear it. but the knocking grew louder the more i ignored it.

i groaned and stood up out of bed, grabbing a blanket to wrap around me since i was only wearing shorts and a t-shirt. i dragged myself over to the door, my eyes drooping as i slowly opened it. my eyes weren’t closing for long since they shot open as soon as i saw who was stood outside my door.

billie? i was honestly too tired for this. i shook my head as i noticed her eyes looked slightly teary.

“what?” i asked.

i was not in the mood to be talking to her. she cheated on me months ago and i’ve refused to speak to her since. she kissed another girl at a party whilst we were together. after i’d broke up with her, she was constantly calling and messaging me begging to talk but i ignored her. she eventually gave up, so what was different about today? why did she suddenly come back into my life? again.

“can i just come in please? i wanna talk.”

i rolled my eyes and opened the door wider for her to come in. once i’d shut the door and turned around, i noticed she was just standing there awkwardly. she was acting as if she hadn’t been in my house before.

i sighed and told her to sit down. we sat on the sofa as i just stared at her, waiting to hear what she had to say. she looked down and started messing with the rings that were scattered over her fingers. something she only ever did when she was nervous.

“what is it billie? why did you come here?” i mumbled.

“i- well- uh.. i came to say sorry. i know that isn’t gonna fix anything, i know i fucked up, but i miss you so bad. life isn’t the same without you and i know that’s my own fault, i don’t know what i was thinking!! just.. please can i have a second chance. i want to prove that the kiss meant nothing to me. i want to prove that you’re the only girl i’ve ever been completely in love with. please.” the words rushed out of her mouth as tears threatened to fall from her eyes.

“billie. you cheated on me. you broke my heart. you hurt me so bad. i spent so long feeling like i was worthless and wondering what was wrong with me. you made me feel like i was unloveable, i tried so hard to be perfect for you and you kissed someone else. and now you think i’ll give you a second chance??” i spoke angrily as tears clouded my vision. i seriously could not believe what she’d said.

“i know. i understand that just coming here and saying sorry absolutely will not fix what i did. but please can you just consider it. i’ll do anything!! i’ve been so mad at myself for it. i miss waking up next to you. i miss being able to hold you and comfort you. i just miss you. i’ll make it up to you, no matter how long it takes. please.” she was practically sobbing at this point.

i just sighed and reached forwards, wiping the tears from her face, even though they continued to fall. she really did seem sorry. and she seemed so upset. i didn’t want to forgive her, i was still mad, but i couldn’t bare to see her so sad. it was her own fault, but maybe she could gain my trust again if she truly was sorry. if she really did care.

“please.” she whispered, looking into my eyes.

“i’m not saying no, but i’m not saying yes either. i mean, you cheated on me and how am i to know that you won’t do it again if i decide to trust you? how do i know that you won’t hurt me again? you just need to earn my trust back. okay? it’ll prove to me that you genuinely mean what you said.”

she nodded as i spoke, taking in every word and understanding what i meant. she sighed and dropped her head into her hands.

“i’m sorry that i fucked everything up. i promise i’m gonna make it up to you.” she mumbled.

“okay billie. thank you for apologising. now cmon, you need to go home because i’m exhausted.” we both stood up and walked over to the door.

“i’ll call you tomorrow?” she whispered.

“call me tomorrow bil.”

she nodded and i watched as she walked to her car, then she was gone.

i didn’t even know how to react. tears streamed down my face was i slowly made my way back to my bed. what if she hurt me again? why did i still care about how sad she was? my mind was racing as i just laid there, tears running across my face until i finally fell asleep.

[lacehartz]

“going on a road trip with dad!rafe … pulling up to a random rundown motel … only one bed … mhmhm …”

oh i’m stood at attention….. yes…. yess,,. dad!rafe convincing you to share the bed (it didn’t take much), because he’s sore from doing all the driving, and the floor looks so dirty, and it’s only one night, sweetheart

so you climb into the bed, and fall asleep with your ass pressed against him closer than what would be considered anything of innocent — only for him to start groping you as you try and fall asleep :/ he’s so gross (affectionate)

— nasty little freak anon ❤︎

my favourite freak <3 cw in tags.

it’d been his idea — a chance to ‘bond’ and get away from all the chaos back home, at least that’s how he pitched it. but you knew it was just an excuse for him to drag you off the grid and have you all to himself. long stretches of empty highway, gas station snacks, and rafe’s lazy smirk as he drummed his fingers on the warm steering wheel had been fine at first. there was something oddly comforting about the hum of the truck and the way he always managed to pick out your favourite songs.

he’d promised it’d be fun, but now, parked outside a dodgy-looking motel with the neon ‘vacancy’ sign flickering like it could give out at any minute, you’re starting to have doubts. “this, is where we’re staying?” you ask, arms crossed over your chest as you lean against the still-warm truck.

“don’t even start,” he warns, shooting you a look when you scrunch your face at the peeling paint and cracked pavement. “but daaad—” he interrupts you quickly. “back fuckin’ hurts from all that driving, ‘s’jus’ for one night. quit bein’ dramatic, princess.” rafe throws your duffle over his shoulder, smiling at your pouty face as he grabs the key from his pocket.

you huff but step inside the room, immediately hit with the smell of stale mildew. the carpet looks like it’s been there since the 70s and the thinly covered mattress is stained yellow. you don’t even want to get started on the suspicious stains littering the area. “charming,” you mutter, pulling up your tank top strap. “really outdid yourself, dad.”

rafe throws the bag onto the lone loveseat in the corner of the room, lazy grin spreading across his face as he watches you. “what? not good enough for daddy’s lil’ girl, huh?” you glare at him, heat rising to your cheeks. “shut up.”

“aw, c’mon,” he teases. his hand finds your chin, tilting it up so you’re forced to meet his burning gaze. the intensity in them makes your breath catch, and you suddenly feel tiny under his scrutiny. “you been poutin’ ‘n complainin’ the whole trip,” rafe murmurs, his thumb brushing your jaw in a way that feels widely too intimate. “startin’ t’think you don’t appreciate all the effort ‘m puttin’ in here.”

you try to pull away but another hand comes down to grasp onto your hip. “y’know most kids would be grateful their dad’s doin’ this f’them. not you though, always gotta be so difficult.” your stomach twists at his words and you instinctively take a step back. the room’s too small to put any real distance between you two though, if anything you’ve just cornered yourself. “not bein’ difficult..” you trail off, looking everywhere but at him, ignoring the whispers of heat in your stomach. “what’re you—”

“relax,” he cuts you off, eyes glinting in the light. “‘m tired, both got a long day ‘head of us. let’s get y’to bed, yeah?” you blink at him, momentarily stunned by the sudden shift in tone. it’s softer now, almost coaxing. “there’s only one bed,” you point out nervously, quieter now.

“and?” rafe says, eyebrows raised as if it were normal. before you even have time to blink, he’s raising his shirt over his head, exposing his broad chest and toned stomach, leaving him in jeans resting dangerously low on his hips. “actin’ like we never slept together before.”

“it’s — it’s weird! ‘m not a baby anymore, you’re my dad,” you splutter, turning around as quick as possible when you see his fingers fiddling with the zipper. “unless you’re volunteering to take the floor, you’re gonna have to suck it up.”

you huff, refusing to engage any further and stomp off to the tiny bathroom. the fluorescents buzz above you as you brush your teeth and you try not to gag at the dirty marks on the mirror. it was only one night, you could do this. nothing else was a viable option and you already felt bad enough about keeping rafe up for so long. mind made up, you take a deep breath, step back into the room and move towards the bed.

rafe’s already sprawled out in the dark, arm above his head, clad in nothing but his boxers — of course. he yawns as you peel back the blanket, settling yourself under the threadbare material. “night, daddy,” you whisper, staying to the edge of the mattress.

“goodnight, sweetheart,” you hear the smirk in his tone but decide to ignore it, sleepiness making your lids heavy. you don’t know how much time passes, don’t know how long you even managed to doze off for, but next thing you know your ass is pressed up against rafe’s lower half, the hardness there making you dizzy. his large hands are splayed around your waist, possessively digging into your skin. “d-dad?” you call out confusedly, voice croaky.

“mhm,” rafe responds, one hand trailing up over your tank and the other skimming the waistband of your shorts. “dad deserves some fuckin’ gratitude for takin’ care of you all day, don’t you think?”

you wriggle around, mind hazy and whirling with conflicting ideas. you aren’t aware enough to fully stop yourself from agreeing. “i-i guess so..” you trail off, gasping out a whimper as a finger grazes your nipple through your shirt. rafe hums appreciatively when you don’t immediately stop him from lifting it up and groping at your tit. “yeaaah, there we are, there’s m’girl.” maybe it was the sleep still coursing through your system that made you so pliable, because your fuzzy mind doesn’t seem to even want him to stop.

“y’gonna be a good girl f’me, ‘kay?” rafe pushes himself against you, groaning in your ear when you wiggle back. his hand slowly slips under your panties, meeting slickness you didn’t even know was there. “shiiiit, baby.” when he shoves your shorts off and starts rubbing softly at your puffy clit, you don’t stop him. when he slips his fingers further down, meeting your leaky hole, you don’t stop him. when his fingers squeeze and pull at your tits, when they wrap around your neck as he forces himself in deep, you don’t stop him.

you’re sure you’ll feel sick to your stomach in the morning, but right now? the feeling of his pure, unadulterated attention, and the tightness in your core is enough to make you forget about any consequences. after all, this was normal wasn’t it? you were just being thankful.

[dock57]

[If you haven’t already noticed, I just really like talking about how much I love this series.

I’m not sure what it is about this particular shot of the first episode, but this one is what really got me in.

We have a build up to the plot of the first episode, where we’re introduced to the continuing plot itself of the series, but a build up to the introduction of the main characters. We’re given a glimpse of who Shrike and Beebs are, not just based on their icon alone, but as who they are based on the information given along with them. As I have said many times, I really love MW and its details. Including this shot.

We’re told here the difference between Shrike and Beebs. We’re given a dose of who they are as well of how the two work together. Which is something I would really like to talk about another time.]

[I think EP 4 has pushed the understanding of Shrike’s and Beeb’s relationship and their character and well, the overall story. Shrike is considered a loser to well, majority of the people who know him. We also know that Shrike is quick to make decisions- usually not good ones and seems to “get by” by either luck or, having Beebs with him. Which is why Shrike’s description of being a low threat and easier target to take out before Beebs, makes sense. It just gives you an idea how little Shrike is considered to others, enemies or rivals. Even if Shrike did make Kara look like a fool at the end of the first EP- it was really by chance- luck really. I will say it is funny how it’s mentions he is awful with close range- despite doing a great job in EP 2 doing close range sword fighting- guess the only times cartoons did save him.]

[Then you have Beebs, or Bulldog Browns is the first name given. I always look back at this shot for Beebs. Because even before EP 4, we’re told he’s a threat- which is odd as before EP 4, we’re really only shown a more chill side of Beebs. I know in EP 3 though, we are given a taste of how Beebs could potentially be dangerous, or well, he has a limit. Even so, EP 4 is when we really start to get a taste of how much of a threat Beebs could be. Not just from what we saw from Ajax too and what Ricket said, how Beeb’s kinds can be “a lot,” but how Beebs can haul weight around with no problem. Opening closed doors with his own strength and like Ajax, has his eyes light up red as well when he is frustrated. So the 9/10 threat makes a lot of sense now. I remember when I first saw that, I was a bit surprised? He doesn’t seem like the type who would hurt a fly? Now seeing EP 4, makes you wonder how much he can handle before he loses it? Its clear though, that Beebs is seen as a threat, not just species alone, but also seems to taken more seriously compared to Shrike, he is set up in the team to be the “straight man,” the middle guy, really the one to well, solve all the problems. Even in his little description, it says that you might have an easier time with Beebs if you take out Shrike, who really is not. Taken seriously.

Also Shrike being 6”3’ and Beebs being 8”11’? I love ridiculous heights for characters. These two are tall, man- even Shrike who appears “short” compared to others.

I’m not much of a theorist or type to create headcanons, I just really like talking about what I love about a series. And what I love about this shot? The set up. We’re introduced to the characters, a glimpse about them and watch the development, and the overall plot itself.

I’m just a rambler, but hope you enjoy.]

[redwinewhiteroses]

Wintertime Mystery Messages

Intuitive & Oracle messages meant to find you

This reading is a wonderful and exciting collab with @marsprincess889

Her messages are intuitive and mine are a combination of oracle card messages and intuition. You should definitely check out her reading for more clarity and guidance. I'm excited to share what we've been working on together.

I hope yall find this useful 🤍

As always choose the image that calls to you the most. Feedback is highly appreciated. Please let us know your thoughts about this 🤍

Group 1

@marsprincess889 asked me to say this here: she thinks you guys need a lot of gentleness and care, that you're tired on a soul level. She definitely resonated to this group and picked up on the energies effortlessly, and overall, you should check out what she has to say too.

I'm getting the message to not take things personally. If you felt like you didn't have clarity in a close relationship, and you didn't feel like you understand this person or you think they didn't try to understand you, there's a message here to look at this relationship from a different perspective. See the bird's eye view here because both parties have a perspective of their own and they see, act and behave in the way that is personal to them and it has nothing got to do with you. I sense a bit of misunderstanding or confusion and even a clash of opinions.

There's also this message that you might not be seeing things as they actually are. Your perspective of this situation is more than likely influenced by your projection and thoughts. Might not be the case with everyone who is reading this.

This could be about a relationship, life situation or just your thoughts in general. You might be missing out on certain things since you are only considering your feelings and perspective, you don't try to give a chance to others to share their perspective with you. However if you try to see things in a different way, and maybe not be so stubborn times, and maybe loosen a bit you might explore and find something beautiful and precious.

And for some of you, there can be hurt feelings over something someone said that you felt like completely invalidated your feelings and made you feel unheard or unappreciated. This could be the case, but it is also likely they meant one thing but you took it personally and you didn't really see their point of view. Their words might have affected you but the message here is to react slowly and to develop an understanding of the situation and ultimately find peace through a better perspective. You have the power to see the light from shifting your focus a little.

Also this could be about observing your surrounding and to see things in a new light. You are asked to be curious and to explore be it people's varied ideas, opinions, culture, habits, traits or interactions. To constantly see things in a different way intently, if your current perspective is only spiralling you down negativity or unhelpful behaviour. It's good to be open to new ways.

Also I think all this exploring to do and trying to see things in different light is to help you find authenticity in yourself. There's this feeling that you might have been carried away by people's opinions about you. And somewhere along the way you let people's perception get in the way and let it change your truth. It's like you started believing what they said you were to be true, for better or for worse. And now you are asked to see things from afar and understand who you really are and who they think you are and differentiate between them. Loosing yourself over people's words comes to mind.

There's this gentle message and I think there's a lot of love and acceptance here and it's asking you to be comfortable in your own skin. To find a place where you fit and to be truly comfortable there. To find a sense of belonging within you. Let your voice be the kindest you hear everyday. Know who you really are and to find peace within yourself. You are safe here and you are protected and you are seeing things just the way they are and you are not being influenced by someone else's opinion of you.

All in all, the message here is to be so rooted in yourself and your authenticity and to see things clearly in your own way and not to be influenced by others but also to not be rigid or prideful in doing things your way. Do not disregard other’s perspective but be open and at the same time stay true to yourself.

I also think you are feeling at home and in a way approaching a period of radical acceptance of yourself, finding the true 'you' and being yourself unapologetically.

Other confirmation messages/keywords : shifting, home, love and fights, acceptance and belonging, healing journey, coming back home, kaleidoscope, glasses, telescope, easter eggs, little prince, fox spirit, fox eyes, moon, illusion, you are not who you are, starry sky, amulet/pendant, shells/conches, 'Up' movie, lavender, purple flowers, on cloud nine, light shining on things, higher up, finally free, looking at the sky together, comets, counting stars, Astronomy, boy scout/girl scout, one red rose, breakfast at home, childhood best friend, friendships, holding hands, waiting for someone, yearning for the place called home

Channelled song : Astronomy by Conan Gray

More messages :

Do not get lost in others' words

Seeing through the eyes of your soul

Different people, different ways they see and act

Internalising pain and agony for no reason

Hate comments but pay no heed

Shifting perspective

Seeing things clearly

Home is where I find peace, let that home be me

Good fortune is coming my way

Making peace with the past

Check out her reading here. She believes that she resonates so much with this group in a highly personal way. So her intuitive messages will bring you clarity and might be of great use to you.

Group 2

I felt like I resonated closely with this group than the others just like @marsprincess889 did with group 1. Although I had a easier time getting intuitive messages for this group, her intuitive messages are highly useful as well. So make sure to read what she has to say 🤍

I feel loneliness from this group as if you were let down by someone. There's a yearning for comfort and looking for it everywhere you can possibly think of.

This is a specific message for a few of you. Unrequited love or feeling abandoned due to feelings not being reciprocated. It's also as if your life is not going the way you'd like because this person/someone is not around. You feel like your plans are destroyed because of their absence. Trying to get to someone or someplace is also coming through strongly. Feeling like a fool because of someone. Idk most of the messages revolve around the absence of someone. Long distance relationship or significant physical distance for some reason is also possible. Being stationed abroad and following someone wherever they go.

Late twenties and early thirties seem to be prominent ages for this group.

There's this energy of being too serious as if you know you could loosen up a bit but no, you are intentionally holding back happiness. Mostly because you feel like you are helpless. It feels like you are self-sabotaging your own happiness and fulfillment. And by doing that you feel like happiness is something that could never belong to you, but honestly it's so far from the truth.

And it also looks like you are questioning something or everything to try to find an answer and you feel like you can't see or understand why something is happening the way it is.

Whatever this situation might be, it's demanding a lot of energy and slowly draining your happiness.

There's this message to not take yourself or any situation right now too seriously. Have fun and be playful and you'll see things aligning perfectly for you once you let go of control a bit and embrace hope that it will all work out for the better.

We don't always know the 'why' behind things. Why are we like this? Why do we do what we do? Why does it happen that way? All these questions might seem necessary and knowing the answers to them might be comforting but let me tell you, the answers do not define us. If all this questioning and interrogating yourself is only leading you to be unhappy, it's not worth it. What you are trying to find is important but your 'self', your happiness and your peace is way more important. I see you being way too focussed on yourself in an almost unhealthy self-conscious way. It feels like you are stuck in your own bubble all the time and you are actually restricting yourself due to this.

The message here is to let happiness into your life....once again. Cultivate self-love and wonder and make your mind, body and soul a sacred place where you feel loved and accepted.

If you are feeling stuck, you should always go to someone you trust for advice. That might help a lot. Someone might be able to help with your circumstances, someone might have the answer you are looking for. Don't think too hard or stress yourself, take a step back, try to cheer up and ask for help when you feel comfortable doing that.

There's a lot of happiness and abundance waiting for you and it will arrive at a time you least expect it. All that you are is a treasure🤍 and you should see that. There's so much value you bring in to the world. Positive thinking is what you need right now, it might be the key. Being abundantly positive will set you free from the burdens you carry and help you discover more and more good things to cherish.

Other confirmation messages/keywords : overthinking, low self-esteem, anti-hero, my worst enemy, peace, parent, financial security, Masters and PhD, exotic, ethnic, roots, an important festival/celebration, opportunities going down, question marks, that one episode from ATLA with the lion turtle, wisdom(ancient wisdom), discovering something, hermit, guiding the way for others, one's suffering and mental agony, reading books, lost at sea, star gazing, deeply loyal, tiny person, birthday month, amulet, family ties/bonds, capricorn, addictions, blocked vision

Channelled songs :

Talking to the moon by Bruno Mars

Willow by Taylor Swift

Under your scars by Godsmack

More messages :

Locked heart

New sun is rising

Too much self-awareness is a bad thing

Keep stuff locked away

I could do better than what I'm already doing

Reach full potential of something

Finding my way

Wish you were here

Endless questions/Hyperactive logical mind?

You are my happiness, my salvation

Battling something

Hyper focussed on something

Take my heart, don't break it

Check out her reading here. Her messages are highly intuitive and will bring more clarity to you.

Group 3

There is a message of nourishment, desiring nourishment and also a message of delving deep into your authenticity. You are approaching a period of time where you can experience profound nourishment that comes from within; from your core; from your most authentic self. You are a magnet for abundance and love and this nourishment will find you through tangible things and through more subtle ways from the people you love.

This is going to be a season where you are going to be in connection. Connection of all sorts. A lot of nourishment really, a sense of belonging and feeling safe, comfortable and being treasured by loved ones. I'm gonna quote from the guidebook "Sweet moments of understanding and love among friends and family are all here for you to savor now". Simply put, you are given the gift of connection that will nurture your mind, body and soul in a powerful way.

And there's this reminder to mindfully remain in the present moment and to be grateful when surrounded by this beautiful love. There might be a tendency for you to work hard/workaholic tendencies or to worry too much of how your plans will go, but what you should really be doing is to be present and to let things flow. There's a lot of blessings in the here and now and you will notice them if you look around.

There is a reminder that there is only one authentic 'you'. You are irreplaceable and when you are in alignment with your truth, you will find direction that leads you to prosperity and purpose. You are following your path to fulfillment and it's important to be in the present moment. And with every choice you make right now, you have the potential to embrace your destiny and in return to experience the taste of all the good things that's meant for you, and you only.

There's a heavy emphasis on your potential to create miracles in your life right now. It's almost as if you are at a transitory period in your life where there is extreme potential for you to lead your life successfully. You might be working on something that means a lot to you.

Everything is being taken care of and there's this gentle reminder to not worry about the past or the future, because this moment right now is precious.

Also I think you've been working on something really important, and you might be feeling some anxiety and tension over that. If so, there's this reassurance to just breathe and let nature take its course. Your hard work will definitely be rewarded.

Be present, be mindful, hold your truth close to your heart and be open to being nurtured and know that you are loved.

And for some of you, if you think you won't be accepted by someone or your love will be wasted and you won't find the comfort you are looking for, mainly due to your past, please don't worry. The people you care about return your sentiment. They love you and care for you deeply.

Other confirmation messages/keywords : easter, rainbows, sky, starry night, Vincent Van Gogh, elephant, chasing sunsets, girl child, angels, wings, ballet, rowdy, rain in the desert, looking out the window, miracles, green & blue, maybe, daisies, butterflies, feeling at peace, masquerade ball, prom, let me fly, humpty dumpty and puss in boots, roadblocks, picnics, basking in the sunlight/moonlight, lover lover?, Icarus, unlimited potential, family, love and care, ace of cups, grandparents' house, archangels, angel figurines, silver hair Targaryen lol, Jack frost

Channelled song : Reflections by The Neighbourhood

More messages :

Seeking love and acceptance from loved ones

High dreams and manifestation

We are family

Putting in the work

Could have, should have

Overflowing love

Peace be with you

Dry barren lands being green again/Creative powers

Everything is going to be alright

In the bleak midwinter

Nourishment of the soul

That's all I have for you. I hope you check out her reading here for more intuitive messages.

Group 4

I got tarot cards+oracle cards for you(Don't tell the other groups!) Mainly because the messages changed a lot and I was confused as to what was right.

I think this group is very dynamic and fast moving. As if you don't stay still for too long, you just change all the time and don't take roots anywhere. Or you are completely averse to change. There's no in between, either holding too much or all over the place, moving to the next thing and the next. Not bound to any place or an idea. Constantly shifting as if you are in a rush to be somewhere else. I get heavy air or water energy. Even fire. A lot of fire lol. Aries, Leo, Sagittarius and Cancer is prominent. And taurus, Virgo, Capricorn and even Gemini.

You could be influenced by others and the outside world too.

There's also feminine energy here, very adaptable and nurturing, going with the flow of things, very receptive to change and allowing things to happen. Maybe you are asked to be that if you are the total opposite of what I'm describing here. There is also control issues here as if you flow so freely with the intention of holding onto something. Shifting fast just to have better odds at possessing control.

There's two different messages I'm getting. One involving yourself and another about a romantic relationship.

A significant soulmate connection with a friend or romantic partner or even a pet is bringing a lot of transformation in your life. You are evolving in their company and changing in ways that you didn't think was possible. They are helping your character development so to say. You might feel a strong pull towards their energy, for most of you it's yin energy. They might influence you to be more in tune with your feminine nature or you are dealing with a female who impacts you in a significant way. There's both yin and yang energy here. Something about duality and the blending of energies. Also a soul union, a partnership between compatible energies is present. Take what resonates.

You are being asked to let go of control and to be receptive to change and await what is coming to you. Consciously allow things to flow gracefully and be rooted in the faith that everything will unfold in the perfect way. Do not fret or fear and don't try to control. This could be about a relationship, you are trying to control because of fear or worry of what will be of it ultimately. I think you like predictability and having a solid ground underneath you at all times.

It's like you are holding on to something that feels safe, but also feel this need to let go and not cling onto it, as you know deep down it will bring you much more personal power.

You think letting go will bring you pain especially if you've been hurt in the past, so you are holding on even if it's physically or emotionally challenging because this is what you are used to. But it's far from the truth. You have a lot of power and strength, if you were to let go, you will definitely evolve to be a stronger version of yourself and no, you will certainly not lose yourself. Whatever this is about, you are approaching significant personal growth and character development. Finding your true power beyond just having control. It is understanding that power is more than just control but it is about allowing things to just be. Knowing your will be fine either way. Give up your tight grasp and breathe deeply.

TW : SA mentioned (Please skip this portion if you feel like doing so)

Other confirmation messages/keywords : clenching fists, possessive, sexual trauma, penguins, cold, feeling numb, freezing, hold me, need a hug, warm blanket, pink veil, a chalice or a bowl, seeing your face in the mirror or water, bleak, smoking, run a bath with rose petals, a prince being a king, a king being an emperor, city, suburbs, giving up control but not yet, fifty shades movies duh, feet on the ground, battled and bruised, torture, deep seated past issues, liberation, finding direction, movement and progress, serendipity, dominant male, control issues, divine masculine, divine feminine, parenting struggles, prayer, asking for strength from the divine, wanting to have more control, tired, energy draining situation, Mark my words??, blessing and a curse, forbidden love

Channelled songs :

Cinnamon Girl by Lana Del Rey

Sweater Weather by The Neighbourhood

Serendipity by Park Jimin (lyrics might be very significant)

** Lyrics of all three songs might be highly personal to you in some way or the other **

More messages :

Love so powerful that you will never be the same

Break you open so you can be who you were always meant to be

I have/should have the world in my hands

Be the 'shaped' and not the 'shaper'

Being balanced on all four? / Stability

Fear of getting hurt

Till death do us part

Alchemise energy/earth to fire

Letting go

Flow like a river

Trying to change the ending

Finding something better once you let go

A test of faith

With love comes pain

Preparing for the worst case scenario

What will be?

Tap in to your strength, see a glimpse of it

Healing is needed

Past wounds preventing growth and holding you back from your full potential

"Now it's like snow at the beach, Weird but fuckin' beautiful"

Hope this reading resonated with you and definitely check out her reading for more intuitive messages.

Dividers by : @finnegancosmos @enchanthings-a @anitalenia @enchanthings

Images from Pinterest. Credit goes to the rightful owners.

[tuesdaykiss]

“touching toes”

rafe cameron social media au

“he’s over more and more, had to give him a whole drawer. to be honest, kinda like seeing his trainers by the door.” — olivia dean, ‘touching toes’.

synopsis: after finishing her fashion studies at college in nyc, y/n moves to outerbanks to live with her grandparents. she worries about the loneliness that comes with being in a new place, knowing only her cousin topper and other relatives… that is until she is acquainted with a certain cameron.

part — 17 | 18 | 19

masterlist

warning: mentions of sex (no smut), excessive swearing

you couldn’t stop him. before you even had the chance to intervene, rafe had already posted it. a stupid joke, in his mind — something harmless. but you knew better. you knew it would only make things more complicated between the two of you: the secret was no longer yours to control.

rafe’s phone

seeing the reactions from sarah and topper unsettled your stomach. their disbelief, their anger — the sheer absurdity of the idea that you and rafe could ever be together — it hurt more than you cared to admit.

it wasn’t like you were expecting their unflinching support, but it still stung to realise how outlandish the thought seemed to them. it left you wondering, questioning your choices: those closest to you so quick not to accept them.

and then rafe, ever so dismissive, drove the dagger deeper. repeating the words “we’re just friends”, as if they meant nothing: as if you meant nothing.

your phone

“you’re unbelievable, rafe,” you muttered, you hand pushing against his chest in frustration, though it was too soft to have any actual affect.

“what?” he replied with a smirk, still clearly amused, ��just having a little fun, baby. no big deal.”

“no big deal?” your voice rose as anger bubbled within you, “well, it’s a big fucking deal to me, rafe!”

his expression shifted slightly as he grabbed your wrists, gently but firmly pulling you closer. the sudden intimacy of the hug caught you off guard, but you couldn’t break away. you couldn’t resist him.

“i’m sorry,” he said, his voice much softer now, his hands coming up to cradle your face, “i didn’t mean to upset you. i’ll take it down, ‘kay?”

“everyone’s already seen it!” your voice cracked as the weight of his broken promise pressed down on you, as you gestured between the two of you, “you promised- you swore we’d keep this between us.”

your lip quivered, but you fought the urge to cry, refusing to let your emotions spill in front of him. his thumb brushed your lip gently, his gaze locked on yours, searching for something he couldn’t seem to put into words.

the silence grew heavier, the unspoken question lingering between you both. what are we?

rafe leaned in, his forehead resting against yours. the proximity felt both intimate and excruciating, his warm breath mingling with yours.

“talk to me,” he murmured, his voice low and steady.

you pulled back slightly, forcing a small, strained smile as you wiped at your eyes, “i’m sorry, i’m being dramatic,” you said, trying to laugh it off, “we haven’t even known each other that long. you don’t owe me anything.”

“don’t say that,” he interjected, his smile soft but serious, “i like you, y/n.”

“i like you too,” you admitted, your voice barely above a whisper, “but what is this? what are we rafe? because i’d were just… friends who sleep together, i need to know now. i can’t keep doing this if that’s all it is.”

your words hung in the air, vulnerable and raw, rafe stared at you, his hands still framing your face, his eyes filled with something unreadable.

sarahupdates

liked by user, sarahfan101 and 9,071 others

sarahupdates sarah’s brother sparked controversy within the fandom today, as he posted a suggestive photo of sarah’s new best friend, y/n. what are your thoughts?

view comments

sarahfan101 it’s giving betrayal

user this is hardly news

user2 exactly, and it’s not even about sarah

ilovesarah back off he’s mine!

user3 i feel like i’ve been cheated on

sarahfan101 imagine how sarah feels

user4 and you call yourself sarahupdates?

user2 they are SO obsessed with rafe’s life!

he exhaled, his jaw tightening as if he were carefully choosing his next words. the weight of your question sat between you, demanding an answer neither of you could escape.

“i don’t want this to be just that,” he finally said, his voice quiet but firm, “i don’t see you as just… some girl i hook up with, y/n. that’s not what this is for me.”

you blinked, trying to process his words. “then what is it?” you asked, your voice wavering.

rafe leaned away slightly, his hands falling to your shoulders as his thumbs brushed against your skin in slow circular motions. “it’s… complicated,” he admitted, “i’ve never been good at this — at feelings, relationships, any of it. but i know i don’t want to lose you. i know i can’t keep messing this up.”

his honesty caught you off guard. rafe cameron wasn’t known for vulnerability, but here he was, laying it all out for you.

“rafe,” you started, your voice softer now as you hesitated, “i just want clarity, not perfection. i need to know that i matter to you, that this isn’t just some game.”

“you matter,” he cut you off, his voice much steadier, “you matter more than i think i even realised until now.”

your chest tightened at his confession, butterflies in your stomach laced with the remnants of doubt that still lingered. “and what does that mean for us?” you pressed. “what does this look like?”

as though searching for the right words, rafe looked down for a moment. when his eyes met yours again, they were filled with an intensity that sent a shiver down your spine. “it means i want more,” he said, “i want you. all of you. not just… moments. not just nights. i want this to mean something, y/n.”

sincere and unguarded; his words hung in the air. a cautious hope replacing the tension that had previously taken over your body, putting you at ease.

“okay,” was all you could muster, as your fingers brushed against his. your happiness still clouded by thoughts of doubt, visible in your expression.

“i’ll prove it to you,” he said without hesitation, reassuring you as he took your hand in his — giving it a slight squeeze, like a promise…a step forward to something new and real.

a/n: realising i’m nearly at part 20, and they aren’t together AND i haven’t even gotten to the song linking yet!

but it’s okay, they’ll be back in box after the fashion show i promise!

channelling my inner annoyance for topper through y/n, sorry not sorry… she so blunt with him “we spoke a lot on the plane” please

taglist: @my-name-is-baby @yesshewrites1 @urbrunettebombshell @leather-n-velvet @fruitcakerafe @littlefreak-liz @wdwbts101 @akobx @lossfairy @marleymarleymarleymarley @jjmaybankmylovee @mbella607 @scream4mami @mrsdrewstarkeyy @honeyluvsatj

[fanbasetwo]

Ꮺ . , BEING ENEMIES WITH WONBIN !!

NOTE FROM SENA , (this is a fic in a headcanon manner) first wonbin work lesss gaurr , MASTERLIST!!

i. THE BEGINNING OF A SILLY FEUD

Your rivalry with Wonbin started over the most ridiculous thing ever: his best friend stealing a strawberry from your best friend’s lunchbox in 3rd grade.

Your best friend cried for hours about the betrayal, and you decided it was your duty to avenge her. Naturally, this meant you had to hate Wonbin by association.

“You’re friends with a thief!” you’d declared with the confidence only an indignant child could muster.

“It’s just a strawberry! You’re crazy,” Wonbin had retorted, rolling his eyes.

And from then on, you two were sworn enemies. Even as the years passed, the petty grudge somehow persisted, growing into something you didn’t even know how to stop.

ii. HIGH SCHOOL : THE RIVALRY EVOLVES

By high school, the rivalry had become an unspoken rule. If there was a chance to one-up or annoy each other, you both took it without hesitation.

During group projects, you’d fight over ideas until the teacher had to separate you.

If he scored higher than you on a test, he’d make sure you knew about it: “Better luck next time,” he’d say with a smug grin.

If you beat him in a game during gym class, you’d make a point to celebrate a little too enthusiastically, just to watch his annoyed reaction.

Your classmates were so used to the bickering that they didn’t even bat an eye anymore. “Oh, it’s just Y/n and Wonbin being Y/n and Wonbin.”

iii. THE MILK INCIDENT

The rivalry reached its peak when you heard a rumor that Wonbin had bullied one of your friends. Furious, you decided to confront him in the most dramatic way possible—by dumping a carton of milk over his head during lunch.

The cafeteria went silent as everyone turned to stare. Wonbin froze, milk dripping from his hair as he looked at you with wide eyes.

“What the hell was that for?!” he finally asked, his voice sharp and low.

“For my friend, you jerk!” you shouted back, feeling righteous in your actions.

Later, your friend admitted she’d lied, and you were mortified. But by then, the damage was done—Wonbin refused to talk to you, and you could feel his cold gaze whenever you crossed paths in the hallways.

iv. FAILED ATTEMPTS TO APOLOGIZE

Guilt gnawed at you, so you decided to apologize. Writing a note felt like the easiest option since facing him seemed impossible.

“I’m sorry for the milk thing. I overreacted. Can we talk?” you wrote, slipping the note into his locker before rushing away.

The next day, you saw him take the note out, glance at it, and toss it in the trash without even opening it. You felt your blood boil. How dare he ignore me like that?!

v. CORNERING HIM AFTER CLASS

The silent treatment pushed you to the edge. After one particularly tense class, you followed Wonbin out and grabbed him by the collar, shoving him against a wall.

“Why are you acting like this? I said I was sorry!” you snapped, glaring up at him.

He looked down at you, completely unfazed. “You think one sorry note fixes everything?” he shot back, his tone sharp.

“What else do you want me to do? Get on my knees and beg?”

“You could try thinking before you act for once,” he said, his words hitting harder than you expected.

vi. THE UNEXPECTED KISS

The argument grew more heated, voices rising as you both vented years of pent-up frustration.

“You’re so infuriating!” you shouted, your grip tightening on his collar.

“You’re not exactly a walk in the park either!” he retorted, leaning closer as if challenging you.

In a moment of pure impulsive anger, you yanked him down by his uniform collar and kissed him hard.

For a split second, he froze, but then his hands moved to your waist, pulling you closer as he kissed you back with equal intensity. It was messy, fiery, and charged with all the unresolved tension between you two.

vii. THE AFTERMATH

When you finally pulled away, both of you were breathless, foreheads pressed together.

Wonbin smirked, his lips still inches from yours. “Still hate you,” he murmured, but the teasing edge in his voice felt softer, almost playful.

“Good,” you muttered back, even though your heart was racing.

viii. A SHIFT IN THE DYNAMIC

After that kiss, things between you and Wonbin were… different. The bickering continued, but now there was an underlying tension that neither of you could ignore.

He started teasing you more often, but his comments were laced with a new kind of warmth.

“Don’t trip over your own feet,” he’d say during gym class, but his smirk would linger a little longer than usual.

You found yourself glancing at him in class, wondering if he was thinking about the kiss as much as you were.

ix. NEW “RIVALRY” RULES

The “hate” between you two started feeling more like a game. When he scored higher than you on a test, you’d roll your eyes but secretly smile at his smug expression.

When you outperformed him in a group activity, he’d groan dramatically but give you a subtle nod of approval.

Your friends noticed the shift immediately. “Are you two… flirting?” one of them asked during lunch.

“Flirting? With him? Never,” you scoffed, but the blush on your cheeks gave you away.

x. THE UNSPOKEN TRUTH

Neither of you openly acknowledged what had happened in that hallway, but it was clear that something had changed.

You still pretended to hate each other, but the lingering glances and subtle smiles told a different story.

And though you’d never admit it out loud, you didn’t really hate Wonbin anymore. If anything, you might actually like him. But for now, you were content to keep playing the game—because that’s just how things were with you and Wonbin.

join my taglist by sending an ask or commenting here <3

© fanbasetwo | tumblr

[devildomwriter]

“If you’d like, Satan, I could teach you how to command Cerberus to do as you say.”

“Don’t be crazy. That’s something only you can do. I wouldn’t have a chance.”

“Actually, I think you have what it takes to do it.”

“Well, maybe. I was once a part of you, after all.”

— Lucifer and Satan (Chapter 10-19)

[ihatethecrowdsyouknowthat]

what a bland goodbye - spencer reid x fem!reader

reader goes to spencer's apartment for a needed breakup. no matter how much they love each other.

genre: angst wc: 935 warnings: breakup, reader wears heels, crying (duh), no happy ending, right person wrong time???, mentioned emotionally unavailable spencer

based off loml by ts!!! (im sorry), also this is much shorter than i intended!!!

The hallway is colder and your heels are louder than you remember. Snowflakes cover your head, your nose freezing from the cool, winter air. The familiar building somehow pains your heart with how much you'll miss it. You're not sure how long it'll take for the route here to be wiped from your body's autopilot. Even the door marked "23" is comforting. Something you'll have to get over soon.

His unsuspecting and far too joyful form when he opens the door makes you immediately want to rethink your intentions. Spencer's arms wrap around you as inviting as they've always been, the smell of coffee and laundry detergent unwelcome for the first time.

"You said you wanted to talk, what's going on?" he murmurs almost mindlessly into your shoulder.

Already, your eyes burn. You pull back and look up at him with an apologetic smile that hurts.

Chapped lips part as his eyebrows furrow. It's like he can feel how torn you are. But he doesn't get it. "Morgan says that when a girl says 'we need to talk,' it means that you're in trouble. I told him that's ridiculous but then I started to overthink and thought that maybe I did do something so I went through the last couple weeks but... I don't know what I did."

He nervously laughs, "he's ridiculous, right?"

Well, not exactly. It wasn't an easy decision to come to. It took a lot of convincing from your smarter side. You just couldn't put up with it anymore. The long hours were bad enough, but he'd never open up, despite eyebags showing just how much he needed to. Long hours were spent wondering if he'd be coming home unharmed or with an extra scar that's yet to be healed. As much as you want to, you can't stay. He's tortured. He needs someone with more to offer. More to give. You're not what he needs.

Glossy eyes find his hopeful ones and you feel despicable. "Spence..."

"What?" he whispers shakily.

It's now or never, you figure, inhaling an unsteady breath. No going back. Like a bandaid, right? If bandaids caused more tears, maybe.

"I want to break up." You attempt to sound firm, decisive, valiant but your voice wobbles and you sound nothing short of pathetic.

Beautiful, delicate features you've spent so long memorizing distort into a mixture of pain and confusion. The same features you've kissed and ran your fingers over every chance you got. You mourn those moments silently as he tries to understand. You know he won't. In only seconds, his eyes match yours in terms of despair, like he's already picturing the moment you walk out and leave him behind like a bad memory.

"Why? Is it... something I did?" he asks, voice so soft and breakable it makes everything ache.

"No. It's-it's me. I just can't... I can't." Tears gather on your lashes before spilling over onto cold cheeks.

"Can't?"

The way he's trying so hard to get it is what makes the moment last forever. What could you possibly say to explain yourself? It all feels so insignificant right now.

In his suit and tie, so pretty, he exhales sharply in frustration, a shot to your softened soul. He waits for your answer but you're not sure you have one to smooth the crease between his eyebrows.

You sigh and mutter, "I can't be in this. We don't work, Spencer. You don't talk to me, I-" you sniffle, sobbing hard, "I can't do a relationship where you're never here and, even when you are, you're- I don't know..."

He shakes his head and breathes out as his lip trembles. "You're the love of my life," he whispers, saline rolling down.

"I know." A particularly loud sob leaves you and you nod. "I just can't."

"Can't or won't?" he asks bitterly.

You shake your head, "don't do that."

Somber eyes you love look down at you, begging you wordlessly. In a simple glance, small moments that shaped how you saw and felt about him, it was truly legendary. But you couldn't deal with just those flickers of forever. They were momentary. They're not enough.

He pleads, "we can work it out. We can-"

"Stop. Please."

"So that's it? You're just leaving? I can't say anything?" he breathes desperately, crying in a way you've never seen.

You hate how your mind shows you only the things you wish you could unrecall. All the soft pants, gentle kisses, coffee dates, library trips, interlocked fingers and goodnight texts. Every memory that's only making this harder. "I'm sorry." Small sobs shake your body as each breath seems more difficult.

Spencer shakes his head, pretty curls falling in front of his face. "That's it?" he says in fear.

Sadly, you nod, wishing things could be different. Maybe they could be. One day.

"Goodbye," you whisper through a low sob.

He looks at you with a love that you know will never quite be buried. Not for years, at least. Part of you wants that love to come back to you. When he can be what you need and you can be what he needs.

He mutters, "bye," and you leave, for the first time with a heavy heart. You've never loved someone as much as you've loved Spencer. The breakup was needed but how long will the ache last? How long will you hide away in your room? How long will you dream of a reunion?

How long will it take for the thought of Spencer Reid to not leave you feeling homesick over something you're never sure you had?

tags: @1mnshw @sweetestthingonthissideofhell @punkndisorderrly

[neiptune]

santa, boy, you're the worst

cw: 3k wc, female reader, suggestive if you squint, oliver aiku is the most infuriating idiot you know and this holiday season you unfortunately discover he just so happens to also be maddeningly soft and generous at the community centre where he volunteers as santa for children in low-income families

“Here, this is where you can get changed”, Chiyo smiles kindly as she guides you into a small room filled with dusty boxes and christmas decorations, “thank you so much for doing this, we really needed some help this year”.

“Don’t mention it, I was really hoping you’d find a spot for me”, you take off your backpack and place it on an old table, “are you absolutely sure I’m going to be fine? Eiko said I just needed a costume but I’ve never-”

“Absolutely”, she vaguely gestures with one hand, “just follow Santa’s lead. He’s the one who’s good with kids”.

“I’ll just put this on, then”, you jut your bottom lip out, still not entirely convinced. She smiles again.

“I’ll leave you to it. We’ll be in the main hall!”.

They made a new elf costume just for you. Despite Eiko having a dreadful cold being a big bummer, you’re happy a few coincidences aligned to finally allow you to make something meaningful of the time you’d usually spend home, moping underneath a billion blankets.

There are no mirrors in the room, therefore you can only hope the costume looks good enough. You feel a bit ridiculous but, apparently, the hat is mandatory.

You leave your phone in your backpack and take out all the plastic bags filled with food instead: when you called her to inquire about what you could bring, Chiyo explained that they were all set with gifts but could’ve used some additions to the buffet. You brought all the alternatives for the kids whose gluten intolerance makes it hard to enjoy yummy snacks: carrot cake, peanut butter cookies, brownies, pizza, so many quiches. The previous day was spent cooking and baking but you wouldn’t have had it any other way.

The main hall is filled with colorful christmas decorations and a table so long, filled with so much food. Chiyo spots you right away and rushes to help you carry all the bags.

“I got this, you can go help Oliver”, she efficiently starts pulling out the containers and you’re flabbergasted for a second.

“Who?”

“Santa! They already started, go, go!”, she indicates the other end of the hall, where a guy in a Santa costume sits on a chair and all around him there’s a numerous group of children on the floor, fawning over him. A giant bag filled with what you can only guess are gifts, is placed at safe distance from pouty lips and grabby hands.

You make your way to them with a big smile, only slightly tense at the corners because you only know one guy with that name but what are the chances? He’s the most insufferable person you’ve ever met. A constant flirt with anything that moves, way too confident for his own good, so unfairly attractive and quick witted. What would he even be doing here, so close to the holidays? No, it must be another Oliver.

The way Santa spots you and instantly opens his arms, warm and welcoming, tells you otherwise. Fuck. You’re now close enough to recognize eyes no one in their right mind would be able to ever forget.

“If it isn’t my favorite helper!”, his tone is jovial and deep, a perfect representation of a jolly Santa. Suddenly, so many little heads whip around to look at you.

“Hello!”, you excitedly wave, “nice to meet you, everyone!”.

“She’s not the elf from last year”, as you position yourself right behind Oliver’s chair and next to the gifts you’ll later help him distribute, a little boy furrows his brows with a slight pout. Before you can come up with something to say, Santa ho-ho-hos his way into the conversation.

“That’s exactly right, Kenji. She’s my side piece”.

You choke on your own spit. A little girl politely raises her hand and Oliver grants her permission to ask her question.

“What’s a side piece, Oli?”.

Oh, god. This is so much worse than what you could’ve anticipated.

Once more, he doesn’t allow you to reply and the grin underneath his fake beard is nothing short of infuriating.

“It’s an elf who helps when my other helpers are too busy”.

“So she’s your side elf? Is she as nice as the other?”.

He shifts in his seat and you quietly sigh, still smiling awkwardly to the children curiously checking you out, prepared for another jab.

“She’s the best”, Oliver turns to look at you with a small wink, drinking in the surprise written all over your features, “why don’t you introduce yourself, side elf? My kids are great, they’re gonna love you”.

There’s really no time to ponder over the words, how sweet they sounded. He’s only been with them for what, a few hours, and is already so protective of them? If he’s faking it, he really is one hell of an actor.

You attention soon shifts to the little, curious faces staring back at you and the thought of Oliver is pushed to the back of your mind. You’re there to make the afternoon special for those kids and you’ll give it your all, whatever it takes.

He ends up being right, they are great. So intelligent, affectionate and welcoming. You introduce yourself and it only takes a few minutes for them to accept your presence completely. There’s an odd sense of familiarity in the way they climb onto Oliver’s lap one by one, sometimes wrap their arms around his neck. They play with his silver beard as they answer questions about what they asked for christmas and he leans down to whisper secrets to their ear from time to time, to either make them laugh or put them at ease.

Some of the younger children grow restless after a while and you patiently placate small quarrels, pick up kid after kid while they wait for their turn and jokingly twirl until they’re giggling against your shoulder, the fabric of your costume squeezed by little fingers.

“Does Oli really work for Santa?”, Riko asks. She’s been in your arms for a while now and you balance her better against your chest with one arm, your other hand wrapped around Kenji’s.

“He does. We’re both in direct contact with him”, you smile.

“Do you ever go to his workshop?”.

“Sometimes we have to, yeah. Santa always gives us so many cookies and big glasses filled with milk”.

Riko hums, enraptured.

“Will I smell as good as you if I eat so many cookies and drink big glasses of milk?”.

Surprised, you fail to come up with an answer for a moment. Then you melt into a chuckle.

“But you already smell sooo good, Riko! I could eat you!”, she squeals with a laugh when you take a fake bite out of her cheek and Oliver turns to look at you both as he helps another little girl down from his knees.

“Trying to eat my kids, are you?”, he grins.

“Just this one for now”, you jokingly wink and Riko giggles once more. Kenji reclaims your attention by pulling at your hand.

“You have to do the thing”.

Lips still curled into a smile, you tilt your head to the side.

“The thing?”.

He nods, solemn.

“Oh, right”, Oliver snaps his fingers, “the thing. Let my elf go, Riko, we have to perform”.

“We have to do what now?”, as you carefully let the little girl down, Kenji slips his hand from yours.

“Santa baby”, Oliver pats his knees and, horrified, you realize it’s an invitation for you, “it’s their favorite song. We did it last year too”.

You let out a nervous laugh.

“I’m not a great performer-”

“C’mon, side elf! You gotta do it!”, Riko’s palms press to the small of your back and, as she pushes you towards an awaiting lap, you don’t have the heart to ask her to stop calling you that.

Oliver welcomes you onto his knees like you belong there, one arm instantly wrapping around your waist and the other on your thighs. He’s warm, solid underneath you. It’s the closest you’ve ever been to him and you hate that you’re suddenly tempted to pull him even closer.

“No one told me about this”, you murmur between gritted teeth, tense smile causing a low chuckle to vibrate in his chest.   

“You’ll be fine”, the hand resting on your hip gives it a light, playful squeeze, “it’s acapella, by the way. Give it your all”.

You’re still smiling but fail to entirely conceal the glare as you try to position yourself better against him. Whether he does it istinctively or not, Oliver tightens his hold around your waist.

All chatter stops and, between hushed but still excited whispers coming from the group sitting at your feet, you start humming the familiar tune.

“Santa baby, just slip a sable under the tree for me. Been an awful good girl”, you briefly turn to the kids and give them an exaggerated wink that makes them laugh, “Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight!”, you twirl part of Oliver’s fake beard around your pointer finger and when you meet his gaze, it’s surprising how serious it is. Time to get up, for your own sanity.

While he is supposed to keep up the act and match both your goofy tone and exaggerated motions to make the song playful and appropriate for children, he just keeps looking back at you with something unreadable in those dangerous eyes of his.

“Think of all the fun I missed!”, you dramatically drop to your knees and grab his arm, “think of all the fellas that I haven’t kissed!”, he finally seems to be shaken from his weird stupor and gasps loudly, looking back and forth between you and the giggling audience.

“Next year I could be just as good, if you check off my christmas list?”, you pout as Oliver shakes his head no, feigning disappointment. A few kids whine in fake sadness.

“I want a yacht and really that’s not a lot… right?”, you beg for their approval and it makes you chuckle that they erupt in agreeing cheers right away, “been an angel all year!”.

“Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight”, with a deep sigh, you desperately squeeze his hand for a moment before getting up once more and continuing your performance around the audience with a skip in your step, hands behind your back as you sway and twirl around them.

“Please help me ask him, everyone!”, you implore, “so hurry down the chimney tonight”. They do join you in your plea, to which Oliver audibly slaps a hand to his forehead.

“Hurry down the chimney tonight”, you slowly approach his chair once more and the playfulness in his stare seems to vanish once more, fingers twitching on knees you don’t sit on, “hurry, tonight”, with a small smile, you twirl one last time and then bow deeply as the audience immediately starts clapping at the end of your performance.

“Oli, I want a yacht”, Riko pouts and her sister next to her giggles.

“I’ll see what I can do, sweetheart”, he smiles, then looks at you once more, “wanna help me give out this year’s gifts? Maybe we’ll find a yacht somewhere”.

He doesn’t even get to finish the question: in a matter of seconds, you’re both surrounded by exuberant little kids who are way too excited to find out what Santa’s helpers have in store for them this holiday season. The youngest of the group, six year old Tsumugi, raises her little arms and Oliver bends down to pick her up, balancing her on his leg.

You didn’t think the community centre would be able to put together enough funds to get… all those presents. There are so much. Enough for each child to get three or four. Clothes, audio book players, lego sets, tablets, dolls, water marbling kits, headphones, books. An entire, separate bag is filled with signed soccer uniforms. You discreetly glance at Oliver, busy helping Hiro unwrap his third present.

You remember very few details about the blue lock project, from which some of the current top players of the globe suddenly came out years ago. You know he was part of it at some point and of course you remember his past as captain of the former U-20 team. Oliver is still one of the best known soccer players in Japan and clearly he is friends with those guys. But the fact that he went out of his way to make sure he had all those uniforms for these kids, stirs something in your chest.

As you hand out the shirts, little squeals make you smile.

“Riko, this one’s from Nagi”, the little girl practically snatches it from your hand, “wait, don’t push, there’s one for each of you! Who asked for the Kaiser one?”.

“Oli, will you keep your promise next year?”, Tsumugi, still in his lap, rests her head on his shoulder as she hugs a new teddy bear to her chest. He hums, one hand rising to boop her nose.

“You have my word, sweet girl. I told Yoichi you wanted to meet him and he was so sad he couldn’t make it today. He promised he’ll come next time”.

“Look what he sent you”, with a grin, you hand her the shirt Isagi signed for her. The way her eyes light up makes you wish for Eiko to be sick once more, the following year.

It’s the evening when parents slowly start arriving to collect their kids and thank everyone for the organization. You and Chiyo welcome them by the door and offer warm cups of tea. Those who are not in a rush are more than welcome to eat something despite the buffet having been more or less devoured by now.

As soon as you’re alone with Chiyo once more, the last remaining parents shaking hands with Oliver as they say goodbye, you deflate in a chair. Your legs hurt, you didn’t eat anything and you feel so tired but also immensely rewarded.

“It was fun, wasn’t it?”, with a smile, Chiyo pushes a water bottle towards you.

“So fun. You were right, he’s good with kids. Remembered all their names and everything”.

She chuckles.

“Well, I’d hope so. He comes every year”.

You stare back.

“Every year?”.

“Yeah, since forever. And he always gets so many extra presents for them, never accepted a single yen back”.

You sip on your water, unable to come up with something to say. Oliver Aiku, the same unbearably smug idiot who’d pissed you off endlessly each time you had the unfortunate chance of meeting him thanks to your cousin Shuto, seemed so different today. Patient, caring, attentive, fun. So generous.

You watch as parents bow to him and he bows back, ruffles their kid’s hair, laughs when Tsugumi hugs his legs. This is not good, not good at all, judging by the way your heart fumbles in your chest as he meets your gaze from across the room.

The elf costume is shoved into your backpack but the drawings and notes some of the kids made for you are placed on the table right next to it as you put on your coat. You’ll keep them in your hand, against your chest and underneath the warm fabric if you must, in case it’s still snowing outside. You’d hate for anything to happen to such precious cargo.

“You know, Riko has a point”, the gravelly voice so close to your ear makes you jump, “you really do smell good”.

“Try taking a shower”, your intention is to turn around with a scowl but the second you do, your back is pressed to the table as he leans forward and rests his palms on the rough surface. The sharp inhale you take makes him smile.

“Nah, I think it’s really just you”.

You stare back for a moment, then clear your throat, trying your best to not appear intimidated.

“Who knew you were so good with kids. They love you”.

Oliver pulls back, leaving you enough space to put a safe distance between your bodies.

“Well, who knew you were such a great cook. How long did it take to make all that food?”.

Much to your irritation, a smile threatens to appear on your lips. He deflects when complimented? Fuck. Off.

Your mind traces back to how protective he was of them. My kids. It’s sickening, really.

“You didn’t eat anything all day”, the softer tone catches him off guard for just a second, “take some leftovers”.

Oliver hums, something flashing across his features so quickly you may have imagined it. Then, he starts unbuttoning the red velvet jacket he’s still in.

“Don’t be so thoughtful, it’ll make me hard”.

Astonished, you look at him.

“What are you doing?”

He discards the jacket with a grin, hat and fake beard already discarded before entering the changing room.

“You didn’t think I’d leave in this, right?”.

“You could’ve waited until I left the room”.

Oliver rubs his chin in exasperating, fake pensiveness.

“Yeah, I could’ve”, his signature smirk makes you want to punch him in his handsome face, “but there’s this girl I like. Maybe if I impress her, she’ll finally give me a chance”.

You chalk the heat rising to your cheeks up to the thermostat temperature being too high. When you murmur a confused, hasty goodbye and attempt to make your leave, drawings safely tucked underneath one arm, Oliver gently wraps a hand around your wrist.

“It’s snowing. Let me give you a ride”, the way his thumb tentatively grazes the sliver of skin underneath your sleeve makes you shudder. He does it again, intentional, serious eyes boring into yours to make sure he's not crossing a boundary. Your mouth feels dry.

“Wait for me?”, Oliver offers, gentle. There’s no trace of his previous teasing and you’re painfully aware of how long the silence is stretching for, a weird vibration to the moment laced in your aching hesitation.

Another beat passes before you relax under his touch.

“I’ll be outside”.

[corazondebeskar-reads]

how to break a girl in ten easy steps - part three

dark!Joel Miller x f!reader

series masterlist | prev chapter | next chapter

words: 762

summary: joel catches you.

chapter warnings: dark, dead dove do not eat, non-con, captivity, brute force, kicking, predator/prey, capture, use of a snare, broken bones, use of the honorific "master", sadist!Joel, punishment, makeshift gag, non-linear storytelling

dividers by @saradika-graphics

NOTE: please read and heed the series and chapter warnings. this is very dark. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. please read responsibly.

Step Four Once you’ve shown her that there’s no escape, you have to make sure it sticks. For a more effective lesson, we recommend a punishment that fits the crime. The severity of the punishment should be more than a typical infraction. 

He had let you stumble blindly through the woods for a day and a half. No food, no water, just you in your bare feet and terror. 

When he got tired of waiting and watching, he started to tease you. Let you hear him cough from across a clearing. Let you hear him take out a doe not far from your hiding place. Waited until you risked stopping to take a piss to step out from behind a tree and drawl, “Hey there, sweetheart.”

Let you run to the soundtrack of his raucous laughter. 

Let you run right into a snare, strolling lazily up to where the fishing wire had you caught by the ankle. It was twisted, for sure, and there were tears in your eyes. 

He scoffed. “Oh, baby, crying over that?” He rolls his eyes. “That’s gonna feel like a paper cut in about, oh… two seconds.”

And he swings the bat. 

He nestles ear plugs in snugly before cutting the wire and hauling your screaming, writhing body over his shoulder. 

When he tires of your blabbering, he shoves a dirty rag in your mouth and ties a bandana around your head, cinching it tight. You still bawl and whimper, but it’s quieter now, so he can keep an ear out for danger.

As if he isn’t the most dangerous thing in this forest. 

It’s almost embarrassing, how little time it takes to get back to the cabin. How little distance you’d managed to cover.

Or it would be, if you could think about things like being embarrassed. Your shattered ankle takes up most of your headspace, though, That, and the nauseating terror as he speaks casually of your impending lesson.

“Told ya,” he says with a shit-eating grin, “you shoulda prayed I didn’t find ya. Don’t worry your dumb little head ‘bout it, though. You’ll learn. You’ll never want to try and run from me again.”

His tone says he’s going to take you home and wrap you in fluffy blankets, serve you hot cocoa with marshmallows, and win your heart.

His eyes say you’re going to wish for death instead of freedom.

He was tired of your screaming and struggling by the time he’d carted you back. “Toughen up, baby, ‘cause I’m just getting started. I gave you a chance to be good and learn. Now we’re gonna do things my way.” 

He plopped you on your feet just inside the house, laughing as you tried to cling to the only thing nearby—him—to avoid putting weight on your rapidly swelling ankle. Your little fingers didn’t stand a chance as he peeled them from his shoulder, giving you a little shove in the process so you fell flat on your ass. 

“Stand up,” he barks. “Now.”

You shake your head, sobbing in renewed agony. 

“No?” he says incredulously. “Ya think you can tell me no? Stand the fuck up.”

He doesn’t wait, grabbing you by the arm and yanking you to your feet. He rolls his eyes when you fall again.

“Fuckin’ pathetic. You gonna do what I say, or do you need a lesson?” 

“I can’t,” you gasp, yanking the bandana down and the rag from your mouth. “It—”

“Did I say you could talk? Shut up, or I’ll give you something to really cry about,” he says out of habit, and then thinks. “Well. Something extra to cry about, anyway.”

He tries to pull you to stand again, a smirk on his face as you predictably hit the ground once more. “Tell you what. You beg me right, and I’ll let you stay off that ankle.”

“Please,” you choke out, and he gives your ankle the lightest tap with the tip of his boot, sending you howling in pain.

“Please what, you ungrateful brat?”

“P-please, sir…”

“Better, but you know what? I think I wanna hear you call me somethin’ else. Try that again, baby, but this time, say, ‘please let me crawl, master.’” There’s a strange look on his face, but you haven’t the state of mind to contemplate it. 

His words make your stomach churn. 

He takes your hesitation as disobedience and yanks you to your feet again.

“Please! P-please, let me c-crawl…” you stammer with a quivering lip. 

He raises an eyebrow.

“Please let me crawl, master,” you whisper. 

He drops you to the ground. “Mmm, yeah. I like the sound of that. Sure, baby, you can crawl for me. What a good little pet you’re being. I almost wanna reward you for that… but you’ve got some more lessons to learn first.”

next chapter

[thestraybunny]

I (do)n't need you Pt. 1

Pairing: Joshua Hongx AFAB!Reader WC: 8.7k Genre: Non-Idol AU, Exes to lovers Rating: M (18+, MDNI) Warnings: Angst, Eventual Smut, Drinking, Shit Communication, Fluff

Summary: Inspired by 2 minus 1 by Vernon and Joshua. It's been seven months since you and Joshua broke up, and you are still convincing yourselves that you don't need each other.

A/N: This is the first installment of my Seventeen K-Series, and my first fic where SVT is the main focus. This has also been posted on AO3. Hope you enjoy, please let me know what you think. Part two posted.

Th3.Litt1e.D0e made a new post.

Even though Joshua rolled his eyes when he looked down at his phone, no longer paying attention to the pretty little thing in front of him, he still opened the Instagram feed to see what you posted. Maybe this time, since there was a potential hook up in front of him, when he looked at your post it won’t mean anything. Maybe this time, he won’t want you like he used to.

Fat chance at that when he saw the photo of you with a new kitten, and a guy he had never seen before. While your focus was on the small black kitten in your arms while the guy was looking at you like you hung the moon. He used to looked at you like that at one point.

You really moved on already. He hated that this caused not only an uncomfortable burn in his chest, but his brain going to wondering what you were doing now. Probably with that guy.

“You in there?” The squeaky voice of the girl he had started to ignore for your post brought him back to reality and away from thoughts of you. She was a pretty one too. Silky long black hair that fell over her shoulders, soft make-up and without the harsh liner that you used to sport, and she was in a dress that made her look even more stunning. Her painted lips were pulled into a frown and Joshua had to move his phone from her view when she went to look at his screen.

“Yeah, fine. Just a text, but it’s not important right now. You are.” He was quick to lie, slipping his phone into his pocket as a flirtatious smirk graced his lips. Leaning back against the bar on his elbow, he turns his attention to the woman in front of him. With every intentions on taking her home with him.

To show he’s fine without you. And he doesn’t need you.

--

Th3.Litt1e.D0e added to their story.

Joshua was quick to flip his phone, now with the screen facing down, so Vernon could not see the notification. It took everything in him to not open it right then to look. Likely another photo of you and that guy. Or another annoying photo of the black kitten you named Felix. A kitten this guy likely got you, and Joshua knew you were flaunting it to show him you were okay without him, just like how he is okay without you.

He was okay without you. He didn’t need to throw himself into his music, work, or going out every weekend to find someone to get over you with. You didn’t take up his every waking thought anymore.

He also was terrible about lying to himself and those around him.

“Dude, just unfollow her and block her. She ain’t worth it.” Vernon spoke up and the older man had to look at his younger friend in surprise. He thought he turned his phone quick enough so he couldn’t see, but Vernon was quicker to notice. “She’s moved on and is with someone new. You’re just torturing yourself at this point.”

“I’m not torturing myself,” Joshua muttered, not making any motion to do what Vernon had suggested. Instead he just turned his attention to the guitar that was in his lap. “I told you, I am over her, but we agreed to stay friends. I mean, we were best friends before this.”

“That’s just something we say to make the breakup not hurt as much, but in reality, you just make it harder to move on. Besides when was the last time she messaged you or even liked one of your posts? Seems to me that you were the only one who is ‘staying friends’.” The younger man took a drink of his Americano before turning his attention to the pen and paper in front of him. “Or at least channel this into song writing, because we got to get this done. Hyung will have our heads if we don’t finish this. He wants to get this to the artists asap.”

Joshua bit his tongue from snapping at the younger man, but he knew Vernon was right. He only was making this harder, while you did the right thing by breaking contact. Instead of the talk helping, Joshua didn’t take the advice to unfollow and block you. No, instead, it made him wonder if you unfollowed him and really was doing the smart thing, which is move on.

But Joshua was still convinced that he didn’t feel anything for you. He didn’t need you, he didn’t need to think about you. He even ignored the ding that came through, knowing it was you making another post.

--

**eight months ago **

“Joshua, stop! I’m gonna pee myself!” you squealed as his hands tickled your sides, your hands playfully swatting him away. Your laughter mixed with his like music to his ears, the way the soft notes of your laugh were a melody of happiness. Happiness he brings out of you, and happiness that you brought out of him.

“Say you surrender.” He laughs, finding that one spot that made you near jump off the couch by surprise, but he was able to wrap his arms around your waist to pull you closer. You didn’t have to say it though as he stops tickling you to just look at you, his eyes not leaving your face as your arms snaked around his neck.

“I surrender…” You whisper still, and his lips pressed against yours in a soft kiss. He relished in the way you felt against him, before pulling away to look you deep in your eyes.

“I love you…” Joshua answered in a whisper, before his lips pressed against yours again; taking in the smell of your sweet perfume. Hoping that moments like this start overtaking the bad.

--

You hated yourself for thinking about him while Minjun was right across from you, talking animatedly about his day with his fingers lightly tracing circles into your palm. It tickled and you wanted to pull your hand away, but you had to stop yourself. Instead, you leaned your chin on the palm of your hand as you tried to keep up with his stories, none of which are registering since your thoughts were not on the sweet man before you.

No, they were on Hong Jisoo… Joshua. Wondering what he was doing, if he was okay, and if he found someone else. The last thought broke your already broken heart more, but you were a hypocrite if you wanted anything other than him to be happy with someone else. Especially when you were sitting across Minjun, someone you recently started seeing regularly. Your first attempt at a relationship after the breakup.

“What you think?” Minjun asks and you looked at him with confusion. Missing that whatever he was talking about included you, or he was trying to include you.

“Think about what?” You had to ask, feeling a little foolish that you didn’t listen to what he was saying, switching the hand he was tracing to hold his. You give him a sweet smile as you forced yourself to pay attention. “Sorry, baby, what were you saying.”

“You and your flighty mind.” Minjun teased, and you caught the way the smile was tight, telling you he was annoyed but was trying to not show it. Your mind was always somewhere else, well on someone else, and he’s dubbed it as you having a ‘flighty mind’. It was more backhanded than anything, but you chose to ignore it. “Would you like to go with me Saturday night for Seongjun-ah’s birthday? Meet my friends?”

“Oh,” You couldn’t keep the hesitation in your voice obvious, straightening your back as you looked at him. You two been seeing each other for the last two months, and he has already met your friends, but there was something about meeting his friends that made it more serious. Except, that’s the whole point in dating him, because you were serious about him. Meeting each other’s friends, and possibly family eventually, came with it. Forcing a huge smile on your face and was happy that he didn’t hear how forced your excitement was, “Of course, I would love to! I can’t wait to meet your friends. So, what time Saturday night?”

“Dinner is at eight, but we are all meeting for drinks at seven.” Minjun’s smile changed to one to match his own excitement and pulls your hand up to kiss the palm. Something that Joshua used to do. With the way he held your hand up, you had a perfect view of your smart watch, and the screen lit up. Showing a notification you should turn off.

Shu_acoustic made a post.

You weren’t supposed to still need him. You weren’t supposed to miss him. But you did.

--

**Seven months ago**

“What the fuck Josh?!” You yell, trying not to cry as another fight broke out between the two of you. This time it was over you breaking plans for work, a job with a debuting K-pop group that will keep you working for the next few months. Another makeup artists had to drop out due to a family emergency and would not be back for a while, so you jumped at this opportunity. “You said yourself that I shouldn’t decline these opportunities when they come to me. It’s been really hard for me to find work lately.”

“You’ve bailed on me several times over the last few weeks, and it’s always conveniently happening when we have plans.” Joshua shot back, his brows furrowed, and his lips turned downward into a frown. His hands were clenched at his sides before pushing one through his dark hair. “You spend more time at work or with Kami, and Ruby more than your own fucking boyfriend.”

“Rich for you to say. What about all those times when you’re stuck at the studio and don’t come home until late? Or when you choose to go hang out with your friends, or go get drunk with them instead of spending time with me?” Tears were now starting to fall as you felt your chest hurt and it only intensifies when he speaks again.

“Oh, so I can’t have friends now?” What the fuck?

“Of course, you can have fucking friends! You brought up my friends so why can’t I bring up yours?” You knew you shouldn’t be stooping to his level, but you were, and he looks away. “You are such a fucking hypocrite bringing up my friends like that when you chose yours over me constantly. There are nights I am home fucking alone while you are out with them. And not once do I hear from you either unless I literally spam text you, or one of the guys asking if you’re okay.”

“That’s not tru—”

“Twelves times out of thirteen, I get a message back from one of the guys and not you. I already know they don’t fucking like me anymore, thinking I am some clingy bitch who has to know your location at all times.” It has been a known secret for quite some time that his friends no longer liked you, you could tell by the way they would respond to your text or even talk to you when you were around them; especially Jeonghan, Joshua’s best friend. You didn’t know what you did, but it was right when you and Joshua started having problems. Where neither of you could go more than a day without arguing, and those days started to outweigh the good. “It’s like you don’t even like me anymore either…”

“Feelings fucking mutual.” His words sharp, and with that he took off out of your apartment and left you crying on the couch.

Hours later, you became a single woman when you thought he was calling to talk things out. Instead, he said that both of you being together wasn’t working and that you were better off as friends. You could only agree before ending the phone call… so he could go out with his friends while you cried yourself asleep. 

--

Shu_acoustic added to their story.

Normally, you could avoid looking at his story, but something compelled you to open it this time. Figured instead of just ignoring the notification, you would just look since you are a masochist.

Your heart sinks.

It’s a photo of him from the previous night, surrounded by his large group of friends and his arm around a woman. He is laughing at something she said and their faces close together. They looked happy.

She was absolutely beautiful, petite, short brown hair, and looked like she could be a model even though she was wearing jeans and his hoodie. His hoodie.

You felt like your chest was going to cave in, and your throat restricted any of your breathing. Tears were hot in your eyes, and you had to chastise yourself for even looking in the first place. Closing out of his story before the next photo popped up, all you wanted was to throw up and scream how you’re such a hypocrite.

You posted Minjun several times over the last two months, and Joshua never unfollowed you after the breakup, so he had to of seen your posts with the other man. Did it bother him seeing Minjun in your photos? Then again, he was the one who broke up with you, so it was very likely he wasn’t. He didn’t actually care.

So, you shouldn’t either.

It shouldn’t have bothered you either when the moment you closed his story you were hit with a new post on his Instagram. It was the same setting as the story, this time they both were sitting back and his arm still over her shoulder, heads tilted together with a smile. It was one of several, but you didn’t look further.

The caption was simple. ‘Hoshi vomited in the bushes’. Normally this would make you snort and roll your eyes, but your eyes were on the comments. Two of them. One from Jeonghan and the other from an account that was tagged in the post.

Haniy00_n: ‘Oh, you are making it official official.’

You did cry when you read the comment from the tagged account. Not wanting to believe what you were reading.

Mix3djellyjam: ‘Right? Only took him nine months to come to his senses.’

You broke up seven months prior. And the fighting got worse around that time, as did Joshua spending less time with you. It all made sense.

You never hit the unfollow and block button faster. Scolding yourself for breaking down over him, especially when you had a new boyfriend, but you felt your heart break all over again.

--

“Why did you post that comment?” Joshua asked Jeonghan annoyed, looking down at his phone before back to his best friend. Yoon Jeonghan continued to scroll through his socials, and didn’t even look toward Joshua. “You are encouraging her, and I made it clear, I wasn’t wanting anything serious.”

“You don’t post the girl you’re fucking if not one of two things. One,” Jeonghan still didn’t look in Joshua’s direction, just lifted up a finger, “You are serious, and you are making your claim, or two,” He puts up two fingers as he finally looks toward him. “You are trying to show someone that her flaunting her new victim all over her socials isn’t bothering you cause you moved on.”

“You can stop being a dick about her now. And don’t call him a victim. He’s her boyfriend.”

“Same thing.” Jeonghan waved him off. “The point is, you wouldn’t have posted Yoojin if it wasn’t one of those two things. Or even both.”

“That’s not why I posted her.”

“Then why did you Josh?”

“Because…” Joshua couldn’t continue because he didn’t have an answer. Maybe a part of him wanted you to see it, to show you that he was doing okay, but that wasn’t the full reason he posted. Yoojin was not anyone special, just a friend who kept him company instead of random girls every week, so he wasn’t posting to make anything official.

“Because what?” Jeonghan leaned toward Joshua, waiting for a response but when he didn’t receive on he only tutted and sat back. “I’m waiting.”

“I don’t know…” Joshua muttered as he looked down his hand that was holding his phone, not noticing the notification that came in after Jeonghan’s, and this earned another tut. “Maybe a part of me wanted her to see it, maybe a part of me wanted her to know that I am okay too, but I know that I didn’t make anything official. Yoojin is a friend, and I was posting photos with friends.”

“You don’t post those kind of photos of just a friend.” Jeonghan answered, and he snorted when he saw Yoojin’s response. “Nine months huh?”

“What the fuck are you talking about nine months?” Joshua asked, looking at him confused.

“Only took him nine months to come to his senses.” Jeonghan read out loud and Joshua’s eyes widened as his jaw dropped. He opened his phone quickly to pull up the post. His best friend continued to laugh, and Joshua shook his head. “Didn’t you guys break up like seven months ago? If Yoojin was the real reason you wanted to break up with her then it took you a while to finally get to it. I take it you didn’t want her as a rebound?

Joshua only muttered that Jeonghan was an asshole and was quick to delete the entire post; every part of him hoped you didn’t see it. You hadn’t posted anything that day, so he wasn’t sure if you’ve even been on, but very much hoped. It was a mistake to post anything, and he could only hope that you didn’t see it. He didn’t know why he cared so much. You had moved on and was posting your boyfriend for the world to see, he shouldn’t care if you saw it, he shouldn’t be racked with guilt for posting something that was supposed to be fun pictures from a night out.

But he was. He regretted posting anything with Yoojin as he texted her telling her that he couldn’t see her if she was going to start problems with you and going to lie about how long they had been talking. He didn’t even give her a chance to respond and blocked her on everything.

It was too late though. You clearly seen the post, with your account no longer in his following list. Nor would it come up if he tried to search for you. You had blocked him.

Maybe this was a good thing. Maybe this is what he needed to show himself that he didn’t need you.

--

**six months ago**

You decided it was best to stop responding to his texts and keep a distance. They weren’t a lot of them, just a check in every few days, but after a month you couldn’t take it anymore. You were tired of acting like you were okay and not hurting. You hated lying to him even after he broke your heart, and here you were lying through your teeth with every response.

You played it off as a natural thing, you were busy with work, and after a week, his texts stop coming too.

--

When Minjun’s friend’s birthday came up, you played the part for Minjun, the smitten girlfriend that he couldn’t stop gushing over. You smiled and laughed at his and his friends jokes and did you best to look at him like he hung the moon. Maybe if you made it believable for everyone else, you can make it believable for yourself.

It didn’t work for you, but it seemed to have worked on everyone else. No one could tell you were hurting inside, no one could tell you didn’t want to be there, and more so they couldn’t tell that your thoughts were still filled with Joshua. You kept telling yourself you don’t need him, and that he was happy now with someone else.

And at least Minjun’s friends liked you.

After dinner, the group all decided on going to a bar or club to continue the night, but you were quick to decline. Not sure if you will be able to keep up the act if you started to drink more. Plus, the bar they would go to was where Joshua and his friends always went to on weekends, or whenever they could.

“I’ll go with you.” Minjun offered, holding onto your hand but you shook your head to decline.

“You go have fun with your friends. We aren’t far from my place anyways, so I can walk.” You tell him, giving him a quick peck on his lips. Funny how you told him to go do one of the things that you’ve fought with Joshua over, one of the things that led to your breakup. The difference is that you knew what you had with Minjun was not what you had with Joshua.

“Are you su…”

“Go. I’m getting a small headache anyways, and a walk will help clear my head.” You cut him off before pushing him in the direction of his friends, you give him a reassuring smile and give him a wave. “Text me later so I know you got home okay.”

“Sure thing, sweetie.” Then he was off with his friends, leaving you to watch him leave. A relief rushing over you because you can let down some of the guard, the smile falling from your face. Your jaw and cheeks hurt from forcing the smile, but it was a relief to no longer have to any longer. 

The weather was starting to cool down, and this particular night there was a breeze to help keep you centered as you walked. It also helped keep your mind clear and any thoughts of Joshua started to slip away, giving you the briefest moment of freedom. Your heart still ached but for once your mind felt free.

If only you were so lucky it would stay that way.

You didn’t see him when you walked past, you were looking to the ground as you counted the cracks in the sidewalk. There was not many, these streets were well taken care of, so you ended up creating ones with your imagination. You may not have seen him, but he saw you.

So, when you heard your name being called, your heart stopped as did your whole body. You hadn’t heard that voice in so long, avoiding any videos where he was talking in them, and hid away all the videos with him in it. You sure as hell haven’t heard your name come from him in so long. It was clear as day, and right behind you.

You didn’t need to turn around. You didn’t need him.

But you did.

--

He wasn’t interested in going out that night, in the first time in months, he didn’t want to go out with his friends to take things off his mind. His heart wasn’t into it, he just wanted to vegetate on the couch and watch something. Aimlessly check his Instagram to see if you unblocked him, or even see if you responded to a message to talk. One that remained undelivered.

You didn’t want him to contact you, and he was going to have to respect that, but it doesn’t stop him from checking. Even though it was Jeonghan’s birthday, his best friend had given him the free pass to not go out. He was witnessed to how bad he had reacted over the whole post situation, making sure it was known that he thought Joshua was overreacting over this while thing.

It was Seokmin who had convinced him to go out, whining that he needed his hyung with him to take care of Soonyoung when he got too wasted. Joshua told him just ask Mingyu or Seungkwan, but the younger man was able to convince him. Mostly with the promise of buying him most of his drinks that night as well as his ride home.

He left his place late, after finally pulling himself together to get ready. He did only the minimal amount of effort too, his hair falling down in a messy style. When it came to clothes, he threw on a pair of brown sweats, a plain white t-shirt, and a tanned cardigan. He was planning to throw Soonyoung into a taxi the moment he could to send him home and go home to do what he wanted to do. Sulk.

When you walked past him, he thought he was seeing things, stopping in his tracks. Your head was down but he knew it was you. How could he not? You had a pull to him that he couldn’t get free of, and he was losing his mind more that he no longer had that one link to you. A small part of him told him to just keep walking, and that you blocked him for a reason, that he needed to respect your boundaries. But this might be his only chance to set things right.

Your name left his lips before he could stop himself, and the way you froze told him that you weren’t expecting to run into him. It was like time stopped, both of you standing not saying a word and for a moment Joshua was sure you were going to run from him. Instead, after what felt like the longest minute of his life, you turned to face him.

It was like someone doused him with cold water while simultaneously sending cannons of butterflies through his stomach. He wanted nothing more than to pull you into a hug after not seeing you for so long, but he wasn’t stupid enough to miss that you looked like you wanted to cry and wanted to get as far away from him as possible. But he had to try.

“I wasn’t expecting to see you out.” He spoke and all you did was stare at him. You were still as beautiful as ever, but your hair was in a new style and there was sadness to your eyes. When you didn’t answer, he continued. “It’s…It’s nice to see you.”

You still didn’t answer, but you also didn’t walk away.

“Are you walking home?” You nod, and he tried to offer a sincere smile, not wanting to hide his eagerness to maybe get a moment with you. “How about I walk you? Or maybe we can get some coffee? I really would like to talk to you.”

“Why?”

“It’s been a while, and I think you may have misunderstood some things. I want to clear the air.” He answers nervously, his mouth feeling dry as he waited for your response. All you could do was stand there though, the only thing you saying was when you asked why. “It’s about that girl in the photos.”

“It doesn’t matter, Joshua,” You tell him flatly, but he knew you were lying. Your face may remain stoic, but your eyes gave away everything. Like they normally did. “There is nothing to talk about. You’re just mad cause she gave you away.”

“I didn’t even know she was interested in me until a few weeks ago. I don’t know why she even said that to begin with. I promise you.” Joshua just blurted out, moving closer to you so that the conversation could not include everyone walking by. You just stood there staring at him like you didn’t believe a thing he said. “She had nothing to do with our breakup. So, please, can we talk?”

“Was that what you wanted to tell me?” You ask.

“Well, yeah, but…”

“Goodbye Joshua.” You turn to walk away, and he suddenly felt desperate to not let you go, his hand reaching for your wrist to stop you.

He shouldn’t be doing this, he should just let you go. It was over, and he needed to leave it well enough alone. He didn’t need you to not walk away.

--

**Two years ago**

“Move over,” You smacked his knee so he can give you room on the couch, and he almost looked offended. Then Joshua slapped his knee to indicate that it was your seat.

“You can sit right here,” He joked, not even trying to hide his obvious interest in you, and it was obvious you felt the same, but neither of you really made any moves toward each other besides harmless flirting.

“Move Josh,” You tell him again, feeling your skin hot from his flirting. He sighed and acted like he was going to move but instead he grabbed your wrist to pull you into his lap. Not thinking through how hard you’d drop down, letting out a small groan before recuperating to snake his arm around your waist. Keeping you there. “You idiot! Are you okay?”

“Maybe should have adjusted myself before doing this, but I’m okay,” He answers honestly, and you rolled your eyes. “See comfortable.”

You stopped wiggling for a moment when you realized how close you two were, your eyes dropping down to his soft plump lips briefly. Flicking your eyes back up to his, you had a look that hoped he didn’t notice the way you were looking at him. But he had.

The two of you had been friends since you moved to Seoul, meeting each other through Jeonghan (of all people) after joining the same music company they both worked for. You as a makeup artist for idols and the two men were songwriters and guide singers. He was someone you could speak English with, even though you were fluent in Korean, and a foreigner like you.          

You both bonded over love of music, anime, movies, and so much more. Quickly becoming close, with him always seeking you out when he could, but you found yourself doing the same. It wasn’t long until you both were spending time with each other outside of work, and he quickly became your best friend. You let your guards down with each other, telling each other secrets that no one else knew, and you never felt closer to anyone the way you did with him.

At first it was obvious to everyone but you that your friendship was something more, and it took the help of his friends, Mingyu and Wonwoo, for Joshua to realize he liked you more than a friend. It was you who took longer, even though you actually knew from the moment you met him that you liked him. You just didn’t want to ruin one of the few friendships you had in a foreign country.

“Can I kiss you?” You didn’t recognize this voice of his, breathless and husky, his own eyes watching you with intent. Your hands moved over his shoulders to snake around his neck. He was closer now, if either of you leaned in, you would be kissing. “Please.”

“If you do, I don’t think I will be able to stop,” You whisper back, and you could feel a smile spread across those beautiful lips. “I won’t ever want to stop.”

“Then let’s never stop.” It was enough for you to be the one to kiss him. And you were right.

You didn’t ever want to stop.

--

You didn’t know why you didn’t rip your hand away and told him to leave you alone, but you didn’t. Instead you stared down at the way his hand clasped so easily around your wrist, holding onto you like if he let go, you would disappear on him again. Feeling the desperation in his stare beat at you, you couldn’t look up, you were scared that you would break completely if you do.

“Please,” He said your name again, but nothing further than that, anything else he had to say lost in his throat. Joshua wasn’t wanting to let you walk away.

“I have a boyfriend…” The words leaving your lips didn’t feel right, it felt wrong, but it was true. Minjun was your boyfriend, you been dating him seriously enough for him to have that title. So, why did saying it to Joshua feel like acid on your tongue? Sounding more of a lie then the truth.

“Just let me walk you home.” This time you looked at him, those eyes you would stare at for hours filled with the same desperation in his hold on your wrist. You shouldn’t have done that. You shouldn’t have said yes either.

But you did.

And now you were walking beside him in silence, your arms wrapped around your waist, and he didn’t reach for you again. Respecting your space, but you could tell he wanted to say something, but every time you see him open his mouth from the corner of your eyes, he would close it a second later. There was a time that neither of you had to hold back with your words, talking freely about anything and everything, but here you were both not saying a word.

“Thank you,” It was you who spoke, causing him to look at you in surprise. It took you by surprise as well, stopping to look at him. “Thank you for walking me home, you obviously didn’t have to, but it’s appreciated none the less.”

“You don’t have to thank me for anything, I offered anyways. Plus, it’s been a while.” Joshua gave you a smile that still melted your heart and nearly brought tears to your eyes. You watched the way his eyes crinkled and squinted as the smile spread, the one that you missed being directed toward you. One that you used to get before you broke up.

You shouldn’t miss that smile anymore. But you did.

“I didn’t break up with you for anyone. I want to tell you that again, there wasn’t anyone else.” He continued to speak, and there was a tight ache in your chest when he says that. You weren’t sure if you were relieved to hear this, or if this just made it worse. “Yoojin was just an acquaintance that Seungkwan was trying to get at but got bored with. I never showed any interest in her until recently, and even then it wasn’t anything.”

“Why are you needing to justify?” You ask, and he looks at you wide eye and jaw slacked. Not expecting the question. “It’s been seven months. What does it matter now?”

“Because I know it bothered you,” With this statement, you had to look away, neither of you realized you had stopped walking again until then. “You blocked me after it was posted.”

“How did you know I saw her comment? Maybe I just forgot to do it before?” This made him laugh.

“You’re just made because she gave you away.”  He repeated and you could only pull a face, you forgot you said that.

“It doesn’t matter anymore, Josh. We both moved on.” You lied through your teeth, “Thank you for clearing things up, it was not needed but thank you. It’s good to know you aren’t a cheater. I’ll finish the way home by myself.” You didn’t know why you said the next thing, especially when hurt flashed across his eyes. “I would say it was nice to see you, but it wasn’t. Goodbye once more, Joshua.”

You were quick to turn and walk away.

“You can’t lie to me.” He said suddenly and you stopped again. “You always been terrible at lying to me, and it seems like it hasn’t changed.”

“Yeah, well, you always been good at lying to me.” You retort, knowing it wasn’t the least bit true, and before he could say anything more, you took off down the street to your apartment. Ignoring the feeling in your chest.

You’re over him. You’re doing good without him.

You’re the liar.

--

Th3.Litt1e.D0e started following you.

Joshua nearly dropped his phone when those words appeared, sitting up from his couch as he swiped on the notification to go to Instagram. He had to see if he saw that right, and that his drunk eyes were not playing tricks on him.

He ended up going and meeting the guys at the bar after you stormed off, just like he promised Seokmin, but there was a cloud over his mood nearly the entire time. Especially when he saw the guy in your photos on the other side with a group of his friends, all laughing and drinking heavily. It made him have a harder time concentrating on the conversations in front of him, and he even ended up being scolded by both Seungcheol and Mingyu for staring off into space.

Only he wasn’t, he was watching your boyfriend, watching as his eyes roamed over the girls that past like they were pieces of meat. He wanted to go up and say something but didn’t no matter how much it bothered him. He had to be reminded what you had said and that made him stop. That and Jihoon would not let him. The younger man was the only one who remained empathetic over everything but had to remind him that it wasn’t his business.

He was the only one Joshua told about running into you, and the shorter man listened carefully.

“She’s not your problem anymore,” He was reminded, “I know it’s fucked up sounding, but she’s not. That’s not your business. He’s also just looking, it’s not like he has his tongue down some other girl’s throat. Let it go, Hyung.”

Joshua left not long after that, not bothering to listen to the whines of the other’s. He was drunk, frustrated, and that ache in his chest was worse then it had been in months. It was like he broke his own heart over again.

He kept telling himself that he should have just kept walking, that he shouldn’t have stopped when he saw you. He should have let you walk away. He should just move on.

And he sure had hell shouldn’t get hope from just a stupid notification.

But he did.

--

**Nine months ago**

“It’s her again. Joshua will you fucking answer your girlfriend?” Seongcheol sighed, checking his phone., “Tell her you’ll call her in the morning or something.”

“She knows where I am at. She knows who I am with. I don’t get why she is even texting any of you.” Joshua sighed as Seongcheol went to answer you, and he could see the annoyance playing on the eldest of the groups face. Joshua didn’t care though, he just turned his attention back to Jeonghan, ignoring his phone for the fifth time. “I told her she doesn’t need to be messaging you guys.”

“If she has work and she’s waiting up for you, then I don’t blame her for checking in. Especially when you’re ignoring her.” Jeonghan pointed out before tossing another piece of BBQ into his mouth. “It is three in the morning, and she’s probably waiting up. Didn’t you say that you were going to her place after this?”

“Not if she keeps messaging you guys. She knows I’ll be there when I’ll be there.” Joshua shrugged, popping some meat in his mouth too as Seongcheol tossed a few more pieces of meat onto the grill between the three men. “It’s not like I don’t have the code to get in or anything. She doesn’t need to be waiting up.”

“You’re a dick.” Seongcheol told him as he sends his response to you. “What happened? We used to have to pry the phone from you or even get you to stay out longer with us. You used to want to rush home to her. Now, you just stay out until you can’t anymore.”

It wasn’t that he wanted to stay away from you, he wanted to so badly to go home to you. The fighting had gotten worse over the last few months, everything you both did upset the other, and it was hard for him to be around you. There was a time when you would be able to work out any argument, talk things through and be okay after. Now, all they did was turn into screaming matches until you have to get away from each other.

Sometimes he would leave and stay out so long that you would be blowing up his phone with worry, and it only would cause another fight. He didn’t know what to say to make things better when all he wanted to do was pull you into his arms. Hold you as he begged for forgiveness. That he never wants to lose you, and he hates fighting with you. He wanted to keep making you happy and wanted to stop hurting you with needless fighting. You don’t deserve how he’s been treating you.

You didn’t need to be treated like this. You needed to be treated like you deserved, not like this. And he was failing at it.

--

Lee Jihoon Calling.

That was not a name you were expecting to see when your phone lit up. You only kept a few numbers when Joshua broke up with you, Jihoon’s being one of the since you had worked with him on his solo music concept and had been on decent/professional terms. You’ve had to work with him once after the breakup and he was kind enough not to bring up Joshua or anything to do with him. It was never his business to begin with.

So him calling at nearly eleven at night was something that you weren’t expecting.

“Hello?” You answer, not even thinking that it could have been Joshua calling you with Jihoon’s phone.

“This is as strange for me as it is for you.” He says right off the bat, not even bothering with hello’s, and took the words right out of your mouth.

“I would say yes. Is there a reason you are calling?” You were confused by his call, but he hadn’t brought Joshua up before, so maybe there was another reason for him to be calling.

“I don’t have long. The guys think I am making a call to my girl and will come searching for me.” He started and you took a seat at your small kitchen table, “This isn’t my business, and if anyone asks, I am going to deny I ever called you, and this was a misdial, but Josh-Hyung left not too long ago.”

“He’s not coming over here is he?” You ask, with a hitch in your words, looking toward your front door. Not sure if you were hoping it was true or not.

“Nah, he went home. Good thing, he might’ve done something stupid right now.” There was a dry chuckle, one that had no humor to it. It sounded more like he was having to keep from getting mad. “I know he wasn’t the best of boyfriends toward the end but damn your taste has sure gone to shit.”

“I would expect a call like this from Jeonghan, or one of the other guys. Didn’t think you would be one to want to call to be a dick.” You couldn’t believe your ears and was starting to get offended by his comment; a fresh set of tears threatening to fall. “I knew the others didn’t like me, but I didn’t think you were one of them. It’s been seven months, why can’t it be left well enough alone?”

“Hey, none of us didn’t like you, we just didn’t like seeing our friend hurting. None of us are assholes enough to openly fuck with you or not like you. You didn’t give us a reason to.” Jihoon didn’t waver in his voice, staying calm despite your own tone changing.

“Then why are you calling me about my taste in men?”

“Because the guy you’re dating is a pretty damn good actor. Hyung may have gone out a lot, but never once did he ever look toward another girl when with you. Nor would he allow any of us to say what his friends were saying about you, nor did he ever agree or egg us on. Hell, he still won’t allow anyone to say anything negative about you.” Jihoon was not someone who got into other people’s business, and there was only two occurrences that you heard of him stepping in and you were never told what they were about. “Hyung isn’t the confrontational type, you know this, and he would not be able to be held back if he was here.”

“What was said?” You could tell he was hesitant to say anything. “You called me for a reason, so tell me.”

“I called you because I am tired of seeing Hyung be a shell of himself. He won’t admit he needs you still, and you are with some asshole who will let his friends call you an emotionalist fake.” He then told you what was said. They saw through the façade you tried to play off, that it was noticeable. They made cracks that the real you was likely as interesting as a wet blanket, that he was doing charity by giving you a chance, and that you’re as desperate as you are clueless. That he will have an easier time cheating on you then his last girlfriend. Jihoon didn’t sound too happy about what was said, and sounded bothered by them. “Hell, I almost had half a mind to say something, because I know perfectly well that none of that is true.”

“How do you know?”

“I may not know you very well, but I know enough. You were the best damn thing to happen to Hyung, and he wouldn’t still be heartbroken and regretting breaking up with you if you were. He wouldn’t be lying to himself and everyone around you if he wasn’t needing you like he does.” There was something to the younger man’s tone that dug into your chest.

Jihoon was not the type to lie, he was not the type to cause problems for the sake of being an asshole. Jihoon didn’t give away his friend’s business, even if you were part of that business, for the sake of gossip or drama. Jihoon was not the type to meddle into others’ relationships, nor does he try to fix one that was broken.

Joshua still needed you. You tried to tell yourself that you didn’t need him, but you did.

--

**Seven months ago**

Joshua regretted it the moment he hung up with you, and wanted to call you back to tell you he didn’t mean it. But he couldn’t. The damage was done. You were no longer his and he was at fault for it. He didn’t think it was going to hurt as much as it did.

“This hasn’t been working for a while, we fight more days then we don’t.” The words were like acid when they left his lips, not believing for a single moment that you guys weren’t working out. He could fix this if he tried hard enough, but instead he was the giving up. “I think we should breakup.”

“Oh.” You didn’t fight his words, you didn’t argue with him. Instead you sounded…broken, and Joshua knew he was making a mistake, but the words were already said and damage irreversible.

“I’d like to stay friends.” He couldn’t stop himself from digging the knife in deeper, looking down at Mingyu and Wonwoo’s coffee table, adjusting the phone from one ear to the other. He had four sets of eyes on him, and it was making him wish he could just get off the phone to jump out the window. “Despite us not working out as a couple, I still want you in my life.”

He could only hope that she didn’t hear the collective groan that rippled through the living room, fingers pushing nervously though his hair.

“I completely understand, and yeah, we can totally still be friends.” There was a crack in your voice but disguised it as a cough. “If that’s what you want.”

“Yeah…” He said, wanting to world to suck him up and a tear escaped down his face. “It is.”

It wasn’t what he wanted. It was the exact opposite of what he really wanted. He wanted this to work. He didn’t want anything else. You were it for him.

--

After your phone call with Jihoon, you could only sit there in your kitchen as you stared at the clock above your refrigerator. The call ended at exactly eleven o'five pm, and when you finally came back to reality from your thoughts, it was well after midnight. Blinking a few times, you found that your lashes were wet as were your cheeks, and your mouth felt dry.

Before you could really even process your next actions, you already had sent out a text to Minjun breaking up with him, letting him know that this wet blanket had friends who saved her from his bullshit. You then blocked him while unblocking Joshua at the same time, even though you should’ve leave him where he was. You did the same with Instagram and going to his page.

Then you hit the follow button. Letting him know he wasn’t blocked anymore.

You couldn’t keep pretending anymore. There was no pretending anymore.

Shu_acoustic started following you.

Shu_acoustic: Hey.

--

He didn’t even bother caring how eager he was, following you back or sending you a message. He didn’t care the reason you unblocked him. Just that you did, and that you answered back.

Th3.Litt1e.D0e: Hey Shu_acoustic: You unblocked me. Did you get home safe? Th3.Litt1e.D0e: Yeah I did. Th3.Litt1e.D0e: Are you home? Shu_acoustic: Yeah. I wasn’t having a good time, and Seokmin has ten others to help him with Soonyoung.

Joshua, without thinking, flipped to your Instagram page, to see that you had posted a few photos of your cat, but that was not what caught his eyes. It was that all photos with your new boyfriend were gone. He had to rub his eyes to make sure he had seen it right.

Where the hell did they go?? What happened in the few hour span from you walking away from him to this?

Th3.Litt1e.D0e: It’s Jeonghan’s birthday is it not? You always have a good time with him. Shu_acoustic: Not always. And it wasn’t him. Just had too much on my mind to enjoy myself. Shu_acoustic: Rather be home then bring down the mood. Th3.Litt1e.D0e: That sucks. I’m sorry. Shu_acoustic: What happened to the pictures with your boyfriend? Th3.Litt1e.D0e: I broke up with him.

He didn’t expect that response and wondered what happened. You never deleted the photos with him after you broke up. Even after blocking him.

Th3.Litt1e.D0e: I was wasting my time, and so was he. Th3.Litt1e.D0e: That and it turns out he’s a pretty damn good actor. Shu_acoustic: I’m sorry to hear that. Are you okay?

You didn’t respond, and Joshua did his best not to keep looking at his phone. Hoping that you would respond, but with what time it was, he was sure you must have fallen asleep. Instead of sitting around on his couch, he got up and started to get ready for bed. Washing his face, brushing his teeth, and changing from the clothes he was wearing to a pair of grey sweatpants and a black vest top.

Quickly flipping off his ceiling light, made his way over to his bed and plugged his phone into the charger on the nightstand. Dropping down onto the soft mattress, Joshua ran his hand over his face with a sigh, starting to feel tired. His head barely hit the pillow when he got another message.

Th3.Litt1e.D0e: You up?

Of course, he was up.

Shu_acoustic: Yeah, getting ready for bed. What’s up? Th3.Litt1e.D0e: Did you really want this? Did you really want to break up?

No, he didn’t. He thought he did before he actually did it, but he didn’t want this. He wanted to work through this. He knew you both could. He needed both to.

Shu_acoustic: I wish every day to take it back and have another chance. Shu_acoustic: Why? Th3.Litt1e.D0e: Is it to late to come over?

His heart was pounding in his ears as he sat up, reading your Instagram message over and over.

Shu_acoustic: It’s never too late for you to come over. Shu_acoustic: Honestly, I need you to come over.

He did. He couldn’t keep saying he didn’t need you. He needed you more than anything.  

PT 2 and 3 are written and already posted on AO3. They will be posted here in the next day or two. Please let me know what you think, and I guess if you wanna be on a tag list. I am still figuring this all out again.

[witchygagirlwrites]

Broken Bonds-Part 22

Greg "Mouse" Gerwitz x Reader, Jay Halstead x Reader

Jay finds out what happened between you and Mouse. You have to figure out your footing moving forward and what to do next.

Warnings: mentions of cheating, sexual acts, cursing

A/N: yall trust me it does actually end happy lol

Jay called you a little after five to see if you and Addy wanted to go out for supper. You were currently sitting on the floor with her, playing with her toys. You watched her for a second before saying “I’m not really feeling up to going out but if you want to take her you know you’re always welcomed to” he was quiet for a moment before saying “It’s not a big deal sweetheart, maybe tomorrow if you’re up to it. Do you need anything?” 

You rolled your bottom lip between your teeth as your fingers found the dog tags hanging from your neck, a wave of guilt washing over you as memories of Mouse’s hands on your body the night before hit you. You didn’t regret it, you would never regret any moment spent in his arms but the reality was you cheated on Jay. Right or wrong, that was the reality and your only hope was to keep him from finding out until after Mouse was in Georgia so maybe you could contain the situation slightly.

“No, I’m good” you replied after a moment and he let out a breath “Ok, give Addy a kiss for me” then hung up. You stared at the phone for a moment before laying it down next to you. You picked it back up and reread the text Mouse had sent you just an hour before I love you, just wanted to remind you of that you felt tears spring to your eyes. What were the chances of Jay not figuring it out? Hell three days ago you’d told him you loved him then you spent friday night in Mouse’s arms.

Addy reached for your leg so you sat the phone down, completely forgetting both men in favor of your baby girl. You scooped her up with a smile. “Hey baby” she made a ma sound and picked at the chain of the dog tags around your neck.You laughed and ran a hand over her curls. “Let’s go out, just me and you” you needed to clear your head and concentrate on what mattered which was her. She smiled, drooling a little and you felt your heart flip. She was the one who had your whole heart. You would figure out the rest tomorrow. Tonight you just wanted her.

Sunday morning your wakeup was when your phone went off with a text from Stella Can we get breakfast? You ran a hand down your face, cutting your eyes at the alarm clock to see it was a little before eight. Yeah, something up? You pushed your blanket off and swung your legs out of the bed before she texted back No, I just want updates and to know if I’m gonna need to intervene with anything up until thursday

You laughed lightly and texted back My hero. We’ll meet you in forty ma’am you tossed your phone down on the bed and decided to get yourself dressed before waking Addy up. 

You picked a pair of cutoffs with a thin shirt and your favorite sneakers. It was still pretty freaking hot most days. You turned in front of the mirror, the dog tag chain apparent because you’d yet to take them off besides when you showered. 

___________________

You were headed out of the door towards your jeep when your phone started chiming with texts. Considering she was on your hip along with your purse and her diaper bag you couldn’t check them until you got her loaded into her seat and you were around and buckled. 

You clicked on the first message which was from Mouse Have a good day I love you  you smiled and sent back I love you too

You clicked the next message and your smile dropped, your heart twisting because it was from Jay Sweetheart, we need to talk. Call me when you can you stared at that text and for the first time in a long time you took the coward's way out and dropped your phone into your purse. You couldn’t face him. Fuck, what were you supposed to do? You loved Mouse. You were happy to have him home and have the chance but you had to rip Jay’s heart out to do so and that man had been nothing but perfect to you. 

You blinked back tears and started your engine. Stella, you needed Stella.

_______________

You sat across from Stella, Addy in her arms as she listened to you. “So you stayed with him friday night?” you nodded “I ended up going to his room about eight thirty? I got home about seven thirty” she let out a low whistle “So you two had a reunion” 

You felt your face warm at her tone. “I mean, Stel, if it was Kelly and you had another chance to be in his arms..wouldn’t you take it?” she nodded “Of course. Sweetie, I know how in love you and Greg have always been. That man has never fallen out of love with you even when you were about to explode with Addy, knowing she belonged to his best friend he still worshiped the ground you walked on. That’s all I ask for” “But?” you asked and she shook her head “No but. You know me, I have your back on anything and everything. Me and Kelly are having dinner with Greg tomorrow night”

You raised an eyebrow and she smiled “I want to make sure he’s in earnest about this. I don’t want you getting hurt again. He has your heart and I just want to be certain you have his” you nodded “Being in his arms again, it felt like being home” she reached across the table and squeezed your hand gently “Then I support you” you dropped your gaze to your hands “But now I have to tell Jay that I cheated on him”

When she didn’t say anything you slowly raised your eyes to see she was playing with Addy’s hair with one hand and watching you with the other “I can be there? I can be waiting in the wings, I can keep her that night. Whatever you need” “Thank you Stel. I swear I never meant to fuck my life up this much” she shook her head “Bite your tongue woman.You’re my little sister. I’ll do anything you need me to. As for you fucking your life up?  I can’t blame those two idiots for being head over heels for you, you’re amazing”

You laughed lightly “I don’t feel amazing. Plus if they end up hating each other how do I make things work for her?” she shrugged “You always have me and Kelly” you smiled “I know. Now let's eat, if you’re off today we can take her to the zoo as long as intelligence doesn’t get called in”

She shrugged one shoulder “What if we called Jay to come? That way you’re not freezing him out but I’m there as a buffer so it’s nothing weird and maybe it’ll keep things from blowing up until thursday” you nodded “Ok” 

You pulled your phone out and texted Jay Me and Stella are taking Addy to the zoo in about an hour. You wanna go? It didn’t take him long to text back Sure. I’ll meet you three there

_______________

You stood with Stella next to your jeep. Addy was in her stroller. You spotted Jay’s truck pull into the lot and she slipped her arm into yours “You’re shaking honeybee. Calm down” you shot her a smile “Thank you” she nodded “Of course”

He parked a few places down from you then climbed out. He was wearing the same thing he’d worn on the fourth of july. His pendant dangling loosely. You smiled when he met your eyes “Hey” he smiled “Hey” then he turned his attention to Addy, squatting in front of her stroller to grab her hand “Hey baby” she started babbling the moment she heard him and reaching for him.

He cut his eyes up at you “Can we ditch the stroller? I can carry her through here” you shrugged “Sure” he unbuckled her and picked her up, a genuine smile slipping onto his face when she grabbed a tiny handful of his shirt. That baby had always owned his heart. Stella shot you a look as you opened the back of your jeep to return the stroller. 

He waited for you to get the stroller squared away then looked at Addy, tickling her stomach “Tell mommy and aunt Stella to come on. We’re gonna go see some lions, yeah” you shook your head “She doesn’t just have to see the predators Jay” Stella laughed “She is a product of the two of you though”

You laughed “Well damn Stel,thanks for that rousing endorsement” Jay raised his hand and for a second you thought he was going to reach for yours but he pointed towards the gate “Well let’s go see what she likes and settle the debate once and for all”

________________

The three of you spent about three hours wandering around the zoo until Addy fell asleep on Jay’s shoulder. When you noticed you made your way back to your jeep and he eased her down into her seat and buckled her in. 

Stella stood back, watching the two of you closely. “Sweetheart, can we talk?” he asked and you nodded “Yeah, about what?” his eyes flickered from your eyes down your face a little then back up “Just about some things. Doesn’t have to be today. Just in the next few days” “Ok” you replied and he nodded then leaned forward and pressed a kiss to your temple “I love you” 

He walked away without waiting for a response. Stella walked up next to you and looked at his retreating back “Does he already know?” you shook your head “I don’t think so” “I think he may suspect something” she replied and you felt your stomach knot.

_______________________

When you got home that night after Addy was in bed you sat down in the living room and hit Mouse’s number in your phone. He answered on the second ring. “Hey” you smiled just hearing his voice “Hey” 

“What’s wrong?” he asked and you cursed the fact that he knew you so damn well that just hearing one damn word he could pick out your mood. “So much” He was quiet for a moment before saying “Is this where you say you regret it?” you felt your heart crumple at how broken he sounded. “Never, Greg I meant it. You’re the love of my life. The one made for me” you could hear him take a breath before he asked “Then why do I hear a but in your voice?”

You took a deep breath “I fucked up again. I made love to you which was amazing and god I missed it so much and I love you so much but I didn’t break things off with Jay” “Oh baby” he cooed and you felt tears spring to your eyes at how gentle he was talking to you. Why the hell did they both have to take such gentle approaches with you?

“I want to see you” you whispered. “Just tell me when and where. I’ll make it happen” he replied and you smiled “I have to meet Jay for drop off at the daycare in the morning but then I have like a thirty minute period before I have to be in”

“I’ll see you then baby” he replied and a smile slipped onto your face “I love you Greg” “I love you too” 

You pulled into the daycare parking lot and parked next to Jay’s truck. He got out and was already unbuckling Addy by the time you were around the jeep to his side. You watched as he smiled down at her “Hey baby girl. Daddy missed you” you felt more guilt hit you because since wednesday of the previous week he’d gone from spending most nights with her to only seeing her one night.

“You know she can stay with you more if you want Jay” you offered as the two of you walked towards the door of the daycare. He nodded “I know. I also know you have nightmares and like looking in on her to calm down from them” you felt a smile barely slip onto your face. 

_______________

After you walked out from signing Addy in you headed for your jeep but Jay stopped you with one hand on your wrist “Can we talk?” you nervously twisted your ring “I gotta stop somewhere on the way to work” he nodded “Ok, later?” “Later” you replied with a smile, trying to ignore how sad his eyes looked.

____________

You and Mouse had grabbed a coffee and were now walking by the waterfront.You just needed a breather and to be near him. His hand was dangling loosely between the two of you so you grabbed it, squeezing gently and saw a smile slip onto his face “What’s going on in that beautiful head of yours?” he asked, cutting his eyes at you.

You smiled, stopping to push his hair out of his face “For one, I’m so gonna miss your hair when it has to get cut” he grinned at your touch “I can always grow it back out for you baby” you laughed lightly “I’ve missed hearing you call me that” “I’ve missed calling you that” he replied, his hands going to your waist to pull you closer to him. You braced your hands on his chest and smiled up at him as he said “Talk to me, really”

You took a deep breath “I’ve got to tell him Greg. I was with him up until you got home. That morning I woke up in the bed with him and told him I loved him” you could tell that hurt him but he swallowed the emotion the moment he showed it “What do you want here baby?”

You picked at the collar of his t-shirt “You. I never stopped loving you for one minute. He knew that even when I told him I’d fallen for him I let him know I hadn’t fallen out of love with you and probably never would. He accepted it. I just..I never wanted to hurt him either. Jay has been such a good man to me, in every way. He is the best father to Adeline and I don’t want to lose him, I don’t want to lose that bond because I do love him Greg just not like I love you”

He nodded slowly, eyes not meeting yours “Are you gonna keep sleeping with him too?” “What?” you let your shock bleed into your voice as his eyes flew back to yours “Greg, do you think so little of me?” he shook his head “Baby I didn’t mean it like that…hell you could tell me you planned to and it wouldn’t change anything on my end..I belong to you..well and thoroughly” he touched the chain around your neck “You have my heart entirely, anyone else’s body just wouldn't’ feel right under me. If you wanted him, so be it”

“I want you, the only reason I’m letting you leave Chicago is because you’ve gotta go to training” you teased, pulling him into a kiss. He smiled against your lips “I love you so damn much” “I love you too” you replied once you leaned back. He took a deep breath “Your sister and her husband are interrogating me tonight” you grimaced “Sorry?”

He shrugged “Isn’t the first time Stella has promised to kill me” you laughed “See? That’s why I love you. You don’t even blink in the eye of my sister’s wrath” he winked at you “Oh baby believe me I just have a good poker face. She gets scary over you” You shook your head “Sorry?” he shrugged “I’ll be ok. Are you gonna be ok? If this with Jay is too much right now we can cool it until I get back. Baby you know I’m not going to want anyone else. I’ll come home to you then we’ll handle it”

You shook your head “I think he already knows so it’s a little too late. I’mjust so sick of hurting everyone no matter what I do” he slipped his arms around you to pull you against his chest “It’s ok sweetheart” you shook your head “It’s really not. You and Jay both should hate me”

He pulled back to look you in the eye and gave you one of those smiles you loved “We never did listen to what we should do anyways” you shook your head and looked at the time “I gotta get to work” he nodded “Yes ma’am. I’ll see you later”

 “Come on, show me something” you whispered, trying to get a hit on the partial the camera had picked up from a crime scene. Jay walked into the room behind you “Got anything?” you shook your head “Not yet” 

He came to stand next to you, staring at the screen. You felt one of his hands on the back of the chair, thumb gracing your back right where the dog tag chain was. “Can I come over tonight? I wanna see Addy and we can talk” you knew there was no more avoiding it so you nodded “Ok”

He nodded “Ok” about that time a ding chimed through the room and your eyes lit up “I think we got something”

“I’ll get everyone down to roll up” he offered with a nod.

______________

You stood between Kevin and Jay, waiting for Voight to call it. “Hit it” rang over the coms. “CHICAGO PD” rang out from every direction as doors were kicked in. One woman came running out swinging a bat. Jay ducked, grabbing the bat with one hand. You instinctively ducked under his arm that held the bat and punched her in the side to force her to drop the bat.

When it clattered to the floor she tried to swing with her other hand to hit him so you spun, catching her with an elbow to the face. She went down so you pulled your cuffs and flipped her to her stomach “Don’t know what your original charge would’ve been sweetheart but you just earned assault on an officer” you cut your eyes up at Jay “You good?” he nodded “She didn’t get a chance to lay a hand on me” 

Kevin winked at you “Go ahead lil mama” before moving further into the house. You passed her to a uniform before joining the rest of the unit.

______________

Once the final arrests were made everyone headed back to the precinct to start paperwork and final interviews. You wanted to handle the bitch that tried to ping Jay with a freaking bat but Hank called it a conflict of interest and passed it to Hailey leaving you a five ten drug dealer named Barney.

It didn’t take long to break Barney so you finished the report on him and began to help anyone else that needed it. You were at your desk when Jay walked through the bullpen. He stopped just in front of your desk “Thank you” you raised an eyebrow “For what?” he motioned towards the holding cells so you shrugged “A woman tried to hurt you Jay. Kind of my job to get you home to Addy” 

He smiled slightly “Was pretty smooth moves, gotta admit” you grinned “Yeah, it’s one a couple rangers taught me from training with them in the gym once upon a time” he laughed “They may be assholes but at least they did something right by making sure you can protect yourself” he tapped your desk then walked off.

Stella had already snuck you a photo of Mouse and Kelly at dinner and from the looks of it those two were getting along well enough. You knew she was laying the law down and Kelly would never repeat anything that he heard, that man worshiped your sister. You adored him simply for that.

When your phone rang around seven you knew it was Jay. He’d timed it so Addy would have about half an hour, forty five minutes until bed. “Hello?” you answered and he said “I’m outside” “You have a key” you reminded and he let out a breath “Didn’t know if I should use it”

You walked over and opened the door. He stood on your top step with a small smile “Hi” “Hi” you greeted and stepped to the side to let him in.

You watched him walk over to Addy’s playpen and pick her up. “She hasn’t had a bath or anything if you want to do bedtime routine” he nodded without looking at you “Will you grab me a diaper and pjs?” “Of course” you replied so he headed to the bathroom with her in his arms.

__________________

You didn’t want to intrude on Jay and Addy’s time so you stood at the door of her room watching as he put her down to sleep, tracing patterns on her stomach like he used to when she was tiny. Your heart ached seeing it. A part of you wished you would have forgotten how you felt for Mouse, would’ve fully been able to commit to Jay because fuck he was a good man. You didn’t want to hurt him, you didn’t want to lose him. You couldn’t exactly have them both either.

Once she was fully out he cut his eyes up at you and smiled before walking out of her room, pulling the door almost closed behind him. You stepped back to let him out, his chest brushing against yours. You looked up at him and for a moment the two of you just stood there staring at each other before you broke your eyes away first “You want some water or something? I think there’s some soda too”

He shook his head “No, I’m ok. Can we just sit and talk?” you nodded, not wanting to face what was coming. You suddenly wished you were wearing anything other than the t-shirt and sleep shorts you’d put on after your shower. You did at least have the presence of mind to leave Mouse’s dogtags on the table next to your bed to not rub them directly in his face.

________________

You walked over to the couch, curling one leg under you to turn to face him. He sat down next to you and bought one hand up to gently grip your face “You’re so damn beautiful sweetheart” “Jay” you whispered, feeling tears spring to your eyes. He leaned forward to brush a featherlight kiss against your lips and you felt your tears start to fall as he pulled back from you “Baby I know” 

“How?” you asked and he tapped your neck gently “I saw the chain when I dropped Addy off. I know what that means, add in how your voice sounded..didn’t take much to figure it out” 

“I didn’t mean for it to happen Jay..I really didn’t” you whispered, afraid that if you raised your voice you would completely break. He nodded “I know..I know you’re not the type of woman to set out to cheat” you dropped your gaze down to your hands and heard him shift on the couch before he gripped your chin again “Do you know how it feels knowing that all this time…I was in love with you..and I was just a placeholder?”

You turned your head slightly to press a kiss to his hand “You weren’t a placeholder Jay. You’re an amazing man. You’re the best father Addy could ever have, you never left my side when I was pregnant. You’re my best friend. I truly do love you” “And yet he wasn’t even back two full days before he had you in bed” he whispered, thumb tracing the side of your face as he held you in place. 

“I never lied to you that I still loved him” you defended and he nodded, eyes searching yours “No,you didn’t. I guess I should’ve just listened more with my heart than my ear” you were crying in earnest by then “Jay I don’t want to lose you. Addy needs you..I need you”

He nodded “Baby I’d never leave our daughter in a million years and I promised you I would never leave you and I won’t but it’s gonna take me a little while…I thought this was it..that you loved me as much as I loved you” you saw tears start to form in his eyes and felt your heart crumple “Jay..” he leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to your lips which you returned before he pulled away “I love you Y/N and I always will. You gave me the best thing that could ever happen to me. I will be here at your side whenever you need me but it is hurting like hell to know I can no longer touch you or hold you like I want to. He’s the love of your life and you’re the love of mine so I don’t know where that leaves us”

You hadn’t realized how hard you were crying until he pulled you against his chest “It’s ok baby, it’s ok” you shook your head and shoved against his chest “Please stop being nice to me!” he shook his head “No”

You felt yourself crying harder “Neither of you should want me. I’ve been horrible to you both. I hurt him time and again and now I’m hurting you..I’m fucking poison” “No, you’re not. Baby you’re human. You’re gonna make mistakes. You’re gonna hurt people, you can’t save everyone, no matter how much you think you should be able to take care of everyone”

You shook your head, climbing off the couch and wrapping both arms around yourself “Can you leave Jay? Please. This has nothing to do with him. I wouldn’t want to be around him either” he stood up and took a tentative step towards you “Sweetheart..”

You shook your head “Please” he nodded “Ok. I’ll see you in the morning for drop off?” You nodded “I’ll see you in the morning”

_______________

You managed to hold it together until Jay closed the door behind himself then you slid down it and the sobs started to wrack your body. What did you have that you could offer your baby girl when you couldn’t even go a week without inflicting damage on the two men you claimed to love?

Mouse didn’t know who was knocking on his hotel room door at two in the morning. He figured it was another drunk that had the wrong room. That had occurred twice already. He had not expected Jay to be standing at his doorway. “Do I need to duck here or what?” he asked and Jay shook his head “No, we need to talk”

Mouse stepped back so Jay could walk into the room “Come on in”

@desimarie12

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