#if this is cringe i'm going to delete it and kill myself

[fallevs]

Hey, Blaine! English or Spanish? 🗣

[meichenxi]

languages, travel, identity, grief

Maybe some of you have heard of Xu Zhimo's Second Farewell to Cambridge (徐志摩 再別康橋 Translation: Saying Goodbye to Cambridge Again, by Xu Zhimo | East Asia Student). It's an achingly lovely poem about a Chinese scholar who studied in the UK, and how he left so gently, taking nothing with him as he went. It brought me solace over the last year.

I thought for a very long time about how I felt about having to leave China, and what it felt like to mourn for a future that was never going to mine. I cried. How am I supposed to explain why? I'm not Chinese. I've got no family there, or a childhood to look back on. I couldn't explain it even to myself.

That pain was coupled with a type of uncertainty, a discomfort at myself for feeling so strongly. This feeling was not allowed. It meant - what? Something awful, probably. I was a racist, probably. I should hate myself, probably. Fetishization is the word that gets thrown around for white people and their time spent in East Asia at one end of the spectrum - at the other end it's just seen as embarrassing and deeply, you know, cringe. It's a self-interrogation - why do I feel so sad? Why do I feel this pull so strongly anyway, to a country that's not even mine? Why should it matter so much when I leave? I didn't feel like this grief has any sort of legitimacy. But it has taken from September - eight months after leaving - for me to pick up Chinese again.

I felt, for months, hollow and unsettled and drifting from place to place. I opened my textbook, and closed it again. The memories there were too painful. I'm not going to write about why I had to leave, but it wasn't by choice. I had loved the people in the school, even if it was for a short time. When you have no internet and are training eight hours a day, the days are coloured more sharply: bright and hurtful and wonderful all at once. We had no running water. It was in an abandoned hotel. I miss the monk at the temple door opposite the school, always on time at 6am to open it for our classes. I miss the folk at the local shop who invited me to watch films on their projector; once they killed a chicken for us. I miss the woman in the woods who gave me the chestnuts she had picked. I gave the chestnuts to the cook, and we steamed them and ate them by the lake. He wanted me to marry his son; he wanted it so strongly that he brought me pork, and desserts, and gave me paper, and promised me I could have a jade bracelet, that he would buy me a house. I miss the oldest martial arts teacher, who spoke in such strong dialect I could barely understand him. When I was sad and missing home one night, he told me that I should stay after dinner. In the silence and against the cicadas, he started to play the erhu for me. Later, my friend told me that he hadn't know what to say, how to comfort me; I was a foreigner and a young woman, after all. We had very little in common. But nobody has ever played a piece of music for me like that before.

And I miss X, my best friend there and partner in snack-smuggling crime. She is 19 years old, and a janitor's daughter, and one of the wisest people I have ever met. (She also rides an excellent motorbike, and lent me her hanfu, and we sped through the city giddy with our own daring and trying not to be caught.) We got matching haircuts; she had always wanted to cut her hair like a boy, and was too scared to do it alone. When I left, I told her to stay in touch: she shook her head. She said that some people were meant to know each other for some time, and no more. I think the death of friendship by attrition, by - as Elrond said! - the slow decay of time, is one of the saddest things of all. I deleted Wechat. I don't want to read over the old messages. By having this place - her, and the chestnuts, and the cicadas - as a memory, I can tuck it away it. I can keep it close.

I wrote a poem myself on the plane. That was the last I thought about China, the last thought I let myself have, in eight months. I kept myself away from it. It felt like a wound. And against that hollowness, there was constantly the question: Why should I have any right to miss this place? Who I am there? Why does it matter? We are all different people, wherever we go, and whoever we are with; we wear different skins, large or small. In China I was [...]. She was who I was. That name, that I introduced myself to people with - she was bright and friendly and tried to translate things just so. Everybody who goes as the only foreigner to a place - or the only foreigner that speaks the language - is a little bit self-obsessed. It happens. It's unfortunate, and something to guard against. But it also gives you its own kind of identity in a way: your identity is Foreigner. Your identity is a cultural bridge. Everyone you meet, in a country as friendly and curious as China, has questions about you. You stand with your feet in both worlds, and are not really part of either of them. That identity is easy to slip into, like cool water, like trying on new clothes. It's easier that thinking: who am I outside of that? Where am I going? I don't really know. I don't think anyone really does.

And then the second thing happens. I speak Chinese well, by this point. My accent is there, but it's slight. I am short, and have dark hair, and a generally similar build to many East Asians - so the questions I have got in the last few years have changed. Sometimes people think I have been raised here. Sometimes they think I am ethnically Russian, and nationally Chinese. Sometimes I get asked if I am half Chinese. Usually they know I am a Foreigner, 100% white - but not always. There is a peculiar rush that comes from that acceptance; from feeling the relief, just for fifteen minutes, that you belong. It's not about 'passing', or race-bending, or anything twisted - it's nothing so unnerving as that. It's just the human need to belong. Everyone gets tired of being stared at, after a while. And after a while, you start to think - I wish I understood. I wish they understood. I wish this were easy.

But then the conversation keeps going. You don't know a local word, or you misunderstand. You say something in a strange way, or you make a strange gesture, and the glass shatters, and - there you are again, naked again, exhausted again, explaining yourself again. That's the other half of it. There's solace in the Foreigner identity, because that means that's all you are. You don't have to think about your parents, or whether they worry about you so far from home; of course they do. The Foreigner is good and filial and a wonderful daughter. You can craft her into any shape you like. But it also marks you out again and again, endlessly and again, as Other.

There was a paper published a while ago that showed measures of acceptance of non-natives in native-speaking communities. It highlights a strange, but familiar experience to those who have lived abroad - the people who spoke the language to a medium level felt more accepted and less lonely than those that spoke the language to a high degree. It makes sense, and mirrors what I have found with both Chinese and German. When you speak a little Chinese, you are a wonder - a curiousity! Look at the Western girl go! People are kind, and curious, and will slow down to include you in conversations. You are thrilled with what you can access - all this knowledge, that other people don't have! Look how special you are!

And then you get better. And then you realise, cut by cut, that you will never be one of them. You don't want to be Chinese, per se; but you do want to be accepted. You are happy to be British; but you miss China like a wound, an old one, festering, even when it was never yours. How do you tell your family that you are not grieving a lost romance, a beautiful girl, but a language and a life? That there are words of majesty, of playfulness, that will never be yours? You speak well enough that people no longer bother to dumb things down, or explain them; you sit with your discomfort, smile painted on, because - you know. It's not bad. You understand most of it. And on the edge of that circle, smiling uncertainly, following the vast majority of what is being said, you are not clever enough and not witty enough to keep up with the chengyu, the cultural references, the slang, and the raucous laughter around you erupts, and you don't know what you've missed, and everybody says - she's quiet, that one. Maybe all the foreigners are? And all you are doing is sitting and feeling the distance between You and Them as heavy and as stifled in your chest as an ocean of dark.

So you go back. Back to your people. But when you sit with the other foreigners, you are apart. They laugh; what are these nutters doing? The Chinese don't make any sense. The Chinese do this - they do that. You sit there, and then there is a pressure building in your chest too, a discomfort, the desire to stand up and say - well, actually.

You are responsible for everything the Chinese teachers do, and have to explain things in a way that the students understand - Confucian thought, and Buddhist philosophy, translated in pithy bite-size adages for the West. You have no qualifications for this; everything you assert, you feel unsure. Uncertain. Someone else could explain it better, more nuanced, and you need to do more reading anyway - but here you are, and here they are, and you're the only one. And you do know. Not enough, but enough that their jokes, their pains, make you uncomfortable. You feel the need to defend both parties; to be a diplomat, every second of every day. In turn, when the students come to the teachers with problems, you have to translate their grievances in a way that the Chinese teachers will be sympathetic towards. Once I got asked: why do you never join us after class? Why are you always so quiet when you're not working? As a translator, you are always working. Every time you speak, you are working; what you choose to say, and what you choose to not say, and where you choose to intervene. You are building relationships, and disappearing, and you are becoming invisible, and you're a nothing, and you're everyone and you're nobody and nobody realises you are doing anything more than translating at all.

I wanted to stay. I couldn't have stayed. I wanted to be accepted as one of them. I wanted to be accepted for who I was. That means a foreigner. I wanted to be true to myself, which means that I would always be the Foreigner, which means I would always be apart from them. It is that contrast and juxtaposition which causes the grief. And there was never an ending to it, a resolution, a chance to reconcile myself (in China) with myself (in the UK), because all at once I had to leave. The grief comes most from the second arrow - not the pain of leaving, but the bewilderment of not knowing why I was in pain at all.

It's been eight months. Slowly, as spring comes, I feel like I am on surer ground. I can look at my old books, those painstaking notes, and I could look at new ones too and I'm starting to think, because this is what I tell my students, and maybe there's some truth in it - it's okay if you're not perfect. It's okay if you didn't achieve what you wanted to, and that the language - in its wholeness, and who can ever know that? - will never, not quite, be yours. It's the struggle and the process that means that I will know and understand Chinese in a different way, in my own way, in a slanted-to-reality sort of way, that is a treasure in and of itself. There is beauty in its brokenness too.

And there is sorrow, too. The sorrow that comes with easing yourself into a different life, and it holding you gently for a while. I sat there - I spoke to them. It's not only missing a place; it's missing a person you were, a stage of your life, for a time. It's knowing that a place has reached inside your ribs and taken root there - even if you don't return, you can never fully get rid of that again. You are two people now, with feet straddling two oceans. There are parts of you that loved and suffered and hated and grew in Chinese, not English. You can't explain that. You can't even begin. Sometimes - not often - you are a stranger in your own land. The poets spoke of that. In the age of fast travel, of the weekend break, we have forgotten the ways a place can burrow itself inside you, and find its own home.

It's not the same as the grief that someone Chinese will face. But it's still grief. I have put my life into Chinese. Maybe that is all it takes to grow love.

Now, I turn back to Chinese - as a foreigner, as Melissa, as myself. It's a bittersweet thing. I know that I cannot hold all of it. It will spill out, like the sun, and there is no way I can be that without losing myself and my history and my own green woods. But I think I am ready now. I am surer, and a little steadier on my feet.

[fallinforerling]

LOVE ISN'T ETERNAL. chapter 3 - jb

ೃ⁀➷ jude’s masterlist

ೃ⁀➷ masterlist

ೃ⁀➷ jude’s taglist

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The “sleepover” as you called it earlier, turned into a mess of insults directed at Jude, lots of crying and hushing, Nikki yelling that she should have kicked his ass when she had the opportunity, and, finally, you switching between laughing and crying.

It was so surreal and stupid; the whole situation was just bizarre. Against your own judgment, you begged Nikki for more details about what she saw at the club as soon as she arrived. Turns out she spotted Jude right away and thought nothing when she didn't saw you with him; maybe you were in the bathroom. But as soon as she saw him flirting with some girl for a couple of minutes, she knew you weren't anywhere around and he was definitely planning on cheating. She just waited a bit more until he did something, so you could have proof.

Not like it mattered anymore. You two weren't together and today confirmed what you feared the most: he was over you from day one. What a joke.

“Our relationship was absolute bullshit to him, wasn't it?��� You said after your cries calmed down, feeling something similar to anger starting to build up inside you. “That's why I never got to meet half of his friends. Why bothering? Almost a year! Did I waste ten months of my life on a douchebag?”

You didn't got a response. Nikki and Mia were just listening, letting you get off your chest everything you were keeping for yourself the past week. You were angry, so so angry at him... But you still thought about him with such love. It was so stupid from you to do so.

“I want to hate him...” You whispered after a while, sighing when some tears fell from your eyelashes. “I think I'll hate him eventually, right?”

“Or even better: you'll stop caring about him,” Mia replied, rubbing your shoulder softly. “That's the best thing that will happen to you. Stop caring about him or what he does. I know it's going to be kinda difficult due to him being a famous person, but… Meh, if Selena Gómez did it, I'm sure you're able to do so.”

The three of you laughed at the last part.

“If I have you two by my side, I'm sure I can do it.” You grabbed your phone from the carpet, taking a deep breath. “I'll delete his number and block his Instagram. I don't want to drunk text him someday and embarrass myself beyond repair.”

“That's the mentality, babes. You do that and I'll prepare us something to drink.” Nikki cheared, walking towards the kitchen. Her shiny black dress kept sending sparks of light all over the room everytime she moved.

“Is she still drunk?” You asked, rubbing your eyes. You were tired of being sad.

“Oh, yeah. She is totally wasted.” Mia stood up, grabbing your hand with a smile. “Let's get wasted too or this will be too boring for her.”

You laughed a bit, feeling thankful for your friends and their support.

“Good idea.”

What happened the rest of the night? Neither of you remembered. But you were fine with it because at least you got to forget all about Jude for once.

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Something was making a lot of noise, and your head wasn't appreciating any of it.

“What the fuck is that?!” Nikki shouted right above your left ear, making you cringe away from her voice. “Tell it to stop. My fucking head is killing me.”

“Only yours?” Mia whispered from your right, sounding like a dead person. “I think it's your doorbell, honey.”

“Is it?” You asked, confused and, you suspected, still a bit drunk. The three of you stayed quiet until the deathly sound started again, confirming that it was your doorbell. “Oh yeah, it is my doorbell.”

“Go ahead, then. I'll love life a bit more if my ears can stop bleading from that bloody sound.” Mia's voice was so raspy it scared you.

“Yes, sir.” Better to obey than die from her hangover mood.

You shuffled around the bed until you found a clear space where you could get off of it. As you rise to your feet, it was clear you were still drunk. Fucking hell. Step by step, you made it to the door, where whoever it was behind it hadn't stopped ringing. It better be good.

“Yes?” You said between grinning teeth, facing a middle age guy with the nastiest face on earth. Of course. “How can I help you?”

“I have a package for you, miss.” He said after a few seconds, taking a look at you that, it seemed, wasn't pleasing, because his face kept a horrible expression the whole time. “Sign right there and I'll be out of your hallway as fast as I can.”

Huh. At least he was sincere.

“Sure…” In the middle of sighing, you realized you haven't ordered anything in a long time. “Do you know where this come from?”

“Miss, I don't get paid enough. Good morning.” Those were his last words before giving you a medium package and take off down the hallway.

“Asshole...” You whispered. As you closed the door, you studied the package. It was so normal-looking. Soft, even.

You were curious, but the hangover was stronger than anything else. The fog of sleep was off your brain, letting you check the time without feeling dizzy. Eight in the fucking morning. God, that deliverer was indeed a freaking jerk.

Leaving the package behind, you ran to the kitchen, feeling the sudden need to drink as much water as possible. When you were at your third glass, Nikki's and Mia's steps were evident behind you.

“Having a good morning, ladies?” You asked after a moment, enjoying that you weren't the only one suffering and looking like a hot mess.

“Of course. Your doorbell wake us up and now I'm in a state between wanting to eat your whole fridge and vomit all over this carpet.” Mia's words were flat-toned, but neither Nikki nor you could help but laugh. “Yeah, yeah, laugh.”

While she proceeded to scan the kitchen, Nikki eyed the package with curiosity. Then she looked at you, silently asking what was that.

“I don't have the slightest idea. The asshole that delivered it didn't tell me who sent that. I guess we'll have to open it.” You paused for a moment, worrying about one possibility. “I hope that's not my stuff from Judeʼs place.”

“Iugh.” Was all that came from both of your friends. You gave them half a smile before reaching for it again, grabbing scissors from one of the drawers.

“Let's find out.” With patience, you opened it with a clean cut, grabbing something similar to clothing from inside of it. “Oh my god...”

“Ah! Is this hell on Earth? Why is that devil boy chasing us around?” Nikki shouted.

Staring back at you, a blue jersey with “Bellingham” written in big white letters at the back greeted you. Good, not even 24 hours, and you were, once again, being reminded of your ex. Then it hit you. It wasn't Judeʼs jersey.

“Oh no...” You whispered, taking the shirt in both hands so you could see the number. 27. “It's not Judeʼs.”

“What do you mean by that? It says Bellingham.” Mia said, peaking inside the package to find a scarf and beanie. “What's this? Some sick joke?”

“No... It's... Oh God. It's Judeʼs little brother, Jobe. He doesn't know we broke up, he wants me to attend his match next month. I completely forgot that he even promised to send me a jersey with his number and some goods from the club.” Mia passed you the scarf, which read “BIRMINGHAM FC” in white. “How do I tell him? He got out of the way to send me all of this.”

“Poor kid,” Mia said, looking at the jersey with attentive eyes. “Wait… How old is this little brother?”

“Uh… Seventeen, why?” Nikki looked instantly disappointed by it. “Gross! That's illegal, Nikk!”

“I know! I thought he was like a year younger... You know, revenge fuck and all that.”

“I'll ignore you even suggested that shit.” You said with a laugh, gathering your new goods. “Hell, I think I'll have to break the news myself. Seems like Mr. Dickhead isn't brave enough to tell his brother.”

“Doesn't matter, maybe you can still attend and make him super uncomfortable.” Mia said, laughing at her own idea. “I bet he'll be pissed off by that.”

You didn't respond, but that was a good suggestion... If you were the revenge type of gal, which you weren't... Right?

“I'll text him.” You said instead, heading to the room so you could get your phone.

“Check the photos!” Nikki said before going into the bathroom. “And hand me something to wear!”

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You wished you could be a coward and just send a text to Jobe telling him the whole truth, but he was your friend and deserved better than that.

The morning (and hangover) went away faster than you expected, and since that little “Can we meet up today?” conversation the two of you had, Nikki and Mia were long gone. Now you were getting ready to do what you didn't want to. Face your problems.

You were meeting Jobe at a nice little park where few people went at this time of year, so the conversation was secured and private. For your own sake, at least.

When you were about to finish the very much needed makeup (yep, the dark circles were still there) your phone buzzed. You picked it, noticing various messages.

✉️ Nikki: Destroy that cunt.

✉️ Mia: Don't completely destroy him, that thing it's his brother at the end of the day.

✉️ Nikki: Meh, that's not a good reason

✉️ Will be taking it into consideration.

✉️ Jobe: Getting there in 20, okay?

✉️ Same!

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The weather was amazing if you considered the fact of being in London and in autumn. The trees looked amazing and the park, as you prevented, was almost empty. You noticed a small group of girls by a nice tree, but they were too far away to bother.

Jobe's figure was so recognizable that it didn't take you long to find him by some benches. The last time you saw him, he was a lot smaller and not that broad. Teenagers.

“Hey!” You said when you were close enough.

He turned with a smile, keeping you on the spot for a second. Yeah, he still looked a lot like Jude. You smiled back, feeling like an asshole.

“God, I thought we were never going to see each other again.” He said dramatically, pulling you into a bear hug. “What's up? It's been months.”

“I know.” You smiled again, wanting to see anything but his face. “You're taller!” Pointing the obvious was better than going straight into the subject. At least while you guys were still greeting each other.

“Hell yes I am. 6'2. I'm officially taller than your hobbit of a boyfriend. Also, why didn't you come to last night's dinner? Jude told us you couldn't make it because you were sick but in my opinion… You look far from sick.”

You smiled along because you couldn't believe Jude made up some lie instead of telling his family the truth.

“About that...” You said, assuming that ripping the band-aid off was the best way of approach, no matter how uncomfortable it may be. “I need to tell you something... Can we sit?”

He seemed to read the sudden change of atmosphere because he agreed.

“Sure, what's up? You seem worried.”

You both sat on the nearest bench, giving you the time to breathe deeply and wander your eyes around the park before looking at Jobe again. The space was almost abandoned, except for the small group of girls. They were all giggling and pushing each other while holding their phones. You wishes you were that careless again.

“Your brother and I broke up.” You said suddenly, feeling great once the words came out of your mouth. “Well, he broke up with me.” You laughed a bit, not knowing why.

“He did what?!” You didn't expect Jobe's sudden scream, making you jump on the spot.

“God! Jobe, don't scream like that!” You pushed him without actual force.

“Maybe I heard you wrong… Jude did what?” You stayed silent, looking at his angry expression with a half smile. “That cunt… Why did he lie to us, then? When did this happen?”

“A week ago when I was visiting him.” You shrugged, feeling a bit dumb for venting to him. “We were just arriving home- I mean, his place, and just as I took a sit on the couch he said that we should break up. I got up immediately, then ask what did he say. He repeated it and proceeded to tell me his reasons. I kinda acted by impulse and got out of there within an hour. He offered to let me stay with him, pay for my hotel, or even pay back a ticket. It sounded like…” You paused again, not wanting the keep showing weakness toward the subject.

“Charity?” Jobe suggested.

“Yeah, like pity mixed with charity. So I rejected that and took a taxi to the airport… Well, that's what happened. So, I'm sorry for not telling you before. I thought he was the one for that job.” You held his arm lightly, smiling a bit. “Now that you know that… I don't think I'll be able to attend your match, honey.”

His face fell a bit, but recomposed instantly. His eyes were determined when he took the hand you put on his arm, holding it on his.

“You are coming.” He said, smiling when you looked at him with doubt. “I don't care that Jude broke up with you. You're my friend and I want you there. Also, I spend money on that package, I won't let it go to waste.”

“You're such an asshole!” You barked, laughing. “But okay, as you wish, my lord. But don't expect me to acknowledge him.”

“I wasn't expecting you to do so... Also, he doesn't deserve it either. You're coming, and if he feels uncomfortable, then he'll have to deal with it.” This time, he was the one to make a pause before laughing. “God, Mom is going to be so mad at him... You are her favorite daughter-in-law.”

“I'll miss her too.”

“You can still visit while he's at Dortmund. Mom and Dad will always greet with open arms.” He got up, giving you an smile. “Come on, let's get something to eat. I need to tell you a few things.”

“Oh! Is that about the girl you liked?”

“Shhhh! Don't say it out loud. God, you're lucky that you're still family.”

You laughed at his blushing cheeks, feeling grateful that at least you didn't lost your little brother.

Jobe was right. Life was more than Jude, even when he kept popping up on your mind and aspects of your life.

It was going to be okay. You could do this.

[mgarmagedon]

Okay today I'm giving my honest opinion about Earth Spark season 2 part 1 :D and I still think it's shit :DDD

Before anything, there are gonna be spoilers, so please don't read it if you want to have opinion on your own or just have fun of watching :D

You may ask then, "why tf are you watching it then you stupid hoe", oh silly because I like make my opinion on something, and how could I shit about it if I didn't watch it???

And I will not repeat myself here about things I already complain about it, like graphics (but sometimes I had a feeling like I was watching cutscene from the fucking game on nintendo XDD), texture, this fucking stupid bitch hashtag, etc. but yk have it in mind

But to not being rude I will say something nice first! I like sometimes jokes, like I cringed while them much much more less than last season which is good thing, because few of them were somehow decent like this one with Breakdown and Aftermath which was really lovely to me XD (still hate those bitches as a characters but ykkkk)

Or when Splitfire is calling Megatron, Optimus and Elita old farts, she is fine when she is just sassy

Also as always Jawbreaker was cute, but's just Jawbreaker uwu

Okay it's time to go back on judging this shit >:D

So writing, I think it's kinda random sometimes, and I still don't feel like what are they actually say nobody irl would do. Like they are making so much corny text about how they love each other and always saying something about family, and I'm like bruh, I never EVER heard any siblings even the most loving one say such a things.

I also think Robby became the most useless character there rn, like he didn't nothing important, and don't even let me start talking about episode fucking 8 because it's cringefest, and I needed to stop it every few seconds to take deep breath and continue

And why this stupid hoe Hashtag is managing his dating up, as we know he has complected relation with Elita which means they divorced, but never told anyone besides the closest ppl to them, stop her from doing that PLEASE, he is barely using internet

And I think everyone got stupider, because nobody expected that he will kill Aftermath and Splitfire for crystals and like Twitch didn't expected that chaos terran will fucking be a problem, when they literally call CHAOS TERRANS

But the most got it Soundwave and Shockwave pretty much, because they should be intimidating, and they are just fucking stupid to me

Besides how they build and found resources for such a high advance base and HOW American government didn't make a war with cybertronians after destroying G.H.O.S.T. there is no fucking logic to it.

Besides i feel quite lack of characters, because Nightshade was just background character, Shlouder didn't even talk with was just XD, Megatron was almost not there neither Elita, neither Grimlock, like I'm happy that Wheeljack became bigger part of this fr, but yyyeeeee

And Cosmo, like he was just for a little moment, where everyone had their dedicated episodes :CC

And the most is hard for me is lack of Twitch and Megatron relation, besides of this one moment

Because I'm like watching this show and torturing myself, mostly for them and I hope until the season 2 end we will get it more, because after they cancelled it, we will not get any more ep.

And to stop my bickering, over all for me this one small part had more good things than whole first season, but has lack of things that I'm watching this show for and Hashatag. . . this stupid-

I gave first season 3/10, so I thing fair would be gave it too 3/10, because of what I have said

(IT'S MY HONEST OPINION NOT THE ACTUAL PROFESIONAL REVIEW)

Besides about the show cancellation, I think Hasbro doesn't know what is doing like rn they CANCELLED also transformers reactivate, and I hope it's just weird as rebrand not deleting almost finished game 🤡🤡🤡

Because it's looking like they are cancelling whole transformers franchise to me, and Ik they are rumors of making new cartoon and new things, but then what? They will cancel it again, again and again?

So In my opinion, if new transformers movie won't be a massive success, I'm not seeing bright future for transformers.

[lunatic-pudge]

Hello! I just wanna throw my two cents in about the Postal/TCC stuff going on. I'm also gonna use this post to be honest and transparent about my experience with TCC as well.

Back when I was about 16, I was into true crime. I basically grew up learning about it cause my family would watch true crime shows and me, and my siblings had unrestricted internet access also.

Now, back when I started getting into it, this site was brimming with TCCers, people constantly worshipping serial killers and school shooters. And I'll admit it, I fell down the rabbit hole as well. It was a very short lived, but strong attachment I grew to Columbine, especially Eric Harris. I believe it came from a place of loneliness. Being an outcast and not really having friends, it made me feel like I had a connection to him. But I never wanted to hurt people.

Thankfully, I grew out of it pretty quick when I found myself in a weird situationship with a guy who I should've never talked to, but thanks to him, I snapped out of it. I feel so horrible for being so into TCC. It's my biggest regret, and I cringe when remembering it.

Seeing the state of the Postal fandom now with TCCers trying to worm their way in brings back the cringe memories. RWS has always said that violence should stay in video games. They'd be disappointed if they saw this mess. I know RWS aren't the best of people, but they understand that this shit isn't okay. We need to do better as a fandom and not allow these people in. Dude isn't a school shooter. Practically, the whole point of Postal 1 is Dude not getting the mental help he needs and kills the whole town. There's nothing glamorous about it. There's nothing to idolize about the murder of innocent people. It's a scenario that has happened too many times before in real life.

I don't want TCC mixed in with Postal. I will not stand for it. I understand wanting to learn about true crime and having an interest in it. But too many of them are so deeply obsessed with these real-life murderers and it's not okay. I feel like I understand why they are like this, and it's not too late to change and talk to someone about it. You gotta learn to break yourself from it and get away from the web.

Now, I take full responsibility for what 16 year old me was doing. I knew better, and yet I still continued with it. I'm nowhere near like that now at 22. Hell, if people want to unfollow or block me for it, then they're welcome to. I want to be fully honest with everyone since this has been getting so much attention. I've looked through my blog and have deleted any TCC posts that I had reblogged. If you see any posts that I might've missed, PLEASE let me know so I can get rid of it immediately.

My blog is to be a safe place for people to go to, and I don't want to be a haven for people like TCCers. They're not welcomed here. I want to right my wrongs and be a better person.

If you read this, thank you for reading. I felt guilty having this weight on me. Again, if you choose to unfollow and/or block me, you're more than welcome to. I'm taking full responsibility for 16 year old me's actions. This is unacceptable.

[kaiasky]

🌂 you meet your doppelganger. it has all your memories and personality, but knows that it's the copy, and it will disappear in 28 days unless it kills you.

🌂 it is not more evil or less intelligent than you or anything like that. it has your personality and body down to a T

🌂 somehow you both know all of the above. maybe instinctually, maybe the way the doppelganger came into existence (like touching a magic mirror with known properties) means that you know

🌂 what do you do? is your doppelganger trustworthy?

🌂 does your answer change if your doppelganger has a few handy supernatural abilites that you do not? for example: resilience to damage, an amorphous body or agelessness?

cw for discussion of murder, suicide, etc. obviously in a fictional setting.

This is going to sound bad, but I don't really have a strong desire to keep living. like, I'm not going to kill myself now or ever; I plan on living my life to the fullest and to a ripe old age, and all that. but like if a magic mirror came down and said you'll die in 28 days... in some sense, them's the breaks. bummer. idk.

so like. I think I'm more averse to killing than being removed from existing, and so I think for us the answer would be pretty obviously that original kaia goes to work and lives life, and tries to be there for mirror kaia. And mirror kaia enjoys 28 days of party time doing whatever i want so long as it won't cause problems for original kaia. (eg, no leaving a criminal record).

if mirror kaia wants to kill real kaia at the end of those 28 days she's welcome to ig but I don't think they would. i would like to be there for her at the end though. picnic in a nice peaceful place.

if one of us has superpowers (in such a way that they could be a benefit to society and not a danger, i think) then yeah i think normal kaia is beefing it in a polite and caring way and there's mutual agreement on that. same 28 day thing, but superpowers kaia has to find a way to hide a clone body I guess. and we have to be really niceys about killing me.

unfortunately this is peak k5-25 situation. (n.b. k5-25 is the name i adopted on the evening of may 25 20..22? when i decided i was quitting tumblr and queued a bunch of posts for the rest of eternity so i (kaia who was posting on 5-25 and sad about quitting tumblr) would live forever, unlike 'the rest of you shmucks who die when you go to sleep'. as sort of a sacrificial effigy that would keep kaia (real) off of tumblr. as u can see it didn't work but it worked for some months until k5-25 started posting cringe and i had to kill her (delete her posts). the point is tumblr account @kaiasky would belong to whichever of us is ceasing in 28 days and they get to k5-25post about it. i think i'd pull a page from the harrowhark book and show up on my last day with a stack of a thousand letters with opening conditions on them i think that'd be a nice way to be remembered by myself.

[plsignoremeimhavingamoment]

Going to kill myself(not really just cringe til I puke)

I was ON CALL with my gf who is the main reason I am using this godforFUCKINGsaken blog and I was reblogging some stuff she posted that was meant to go on my main blog with REPLIES and it wasn't showing up even though I knew I rebogged it. huh that's weird must just be tumblr acting up😊.

NO I WAS REBLOGGING IT HERE AFTER REBLOGGING SOME HEINOUS SHITE I WOULD NEVER WANT ATTACHED TO ME

she didn't say anything if she noticed or like it but I'm so sure she did I'm just praying that she didn't look??????????? Jesus fucking Christ I might delete this idk WHY DID I DO THAT WHYDUDUBFWIFUCKINGSKTHATVWHATTHEFUCKISWRONGWITHMEIMGOUNGTIGUCJUNGFIKLLMYSEKF

[ihopeyoubleed]

I'm not depressed, I'm definitely not drunk and I'm going to kill myself but the urges are definitely there. Even though I was actually accepted to college today which I'm genuinely excited and happy about but the suicidal ideation is still there. It just shows that you can have something going right and still be all screwed up like me. I could be worse but still. It's not like anyone reads these lol but I'll still probably delete it later bc I'll cringe

[fentrashcat]

So until Friday the 22nd, I Want to Love the Thunder is a available as a free ebook on Amazon as a little birthday/week thing.

It's a short read, and some poems are CERTAINLY better than others, but if you have some time to kill, please check it out!

Since I'm doing this I wanted to talk a bit about like why I chose to publish something I'm not the best at, but it'll probably get rambly 🤣

I have been writing fiction since I was in third grade, and have always had an interest in story telling. When I was younger, a lot of times a majority of my friends existed in the pages of a book, or sometimes in my head. I was the kid skipping recess to read, or escaping to the library when I finished my work early.

Come seventh grade, I began writing "novels" (never finished), and short stories with a focus on fantasy and some sci-fi. This was also a really dark point in my depression, and my stories were my only escape. I also remember a teacher asking me what I wanted to be in the future I said "there's no want to, I'm GOING to be an author." When she asked what if I couldn't do that, I replied "then I will be a failure."

As well as writing these stories that I only shared with my friends, I discovered fan fiction. Other than just reading it obsessively, I began to write some as well, and got some attention. I adored interacting with the people who read my stories and made requests, and it made me want to share my own stories even more. Side Note- even if you think your writing is cringe and you dont want to work on it anymore, leave it up. I deleted this account bc "cringe" and I still really regret it, because I lost the encouragement and kind comments along with my cringe. Not to mention probably ~600 pages of work, and a shit ton of personal "milestone" notes that I added at the end of chapters.

I wrote CONSTANTLY in high-school, but I had a problem- I could never finish a story. I very often would write 30-50 pages, and lose interest. Even my most prolific work is unfinished, despite having well over 300 pages of writing and rewriting, and the most world building I have ever done.

As of now, I have about 55 WIPs, and countless that have been deleted or lost (NEVER USE YOUR SCHOOL ACCOUNTS FOR THINGS YOU WANT TO KEEP BTW). I Want to Love the Thunder is my "I can do this".

I have a complicated relationship with poetry, but I realized that this is something I could finish. It's a start. Hopefully, especially since my school fell through, I Want to Love the Thunder is just the first of many, although I'll probably stick with fantasy instead of poetry lol. If there is a next one, maybe I'll do short stories, and build my way to novels, or (in the case of my largest WIP) even series.

I know that being a full time author is rare, or really difficult, but I still love writing, and it lets me share a peice of myself with others, and maybe a way to leave SOME kind of legacy in the world, even if it's never read, it's out there. A tiny peice of my soul is forever available to others to see, even if it's just one person. This is my whisper in the void of existence.

I got mushy and rambly, which is kind of funny considering a lot of the poems in the book or just silly or stupid things 😅. Thank you so much of you've read this far, and thank you double if you check out my book.

TL;DR- I published a book in a style that I'm not great at, just to prove to myself I could, and so that maybe 100 years from now, someone who's never met me can see a sliver of myself.

This is more than likely the last post I will make about I Want to Love the Thunder, because even though i want it to be seen, its also kind of scary to be seen. If you want to check it out after the free promotion it will be 2.99, or free on Kindle unlimited, ebook only as of now.

[purplehairedwonder]

Fanfic writer emoji meme game!

Deadly curious about this one! I asked a few others it as well: 😅 What's a story or scene you've created that you're a smidge embarrassed exists?

💋 First kiss fics. Love em or hate em?

❌ What's a trope you will never write?

😅 What's a story or scene you've created that you're a smidge embarrassed exists?

I'd say the only thing I'm genuinely embarrassed by was the first fanfic I ever wrote when I was like 13. It was a self-insert Yu Yu Hakusho story, and I deleted it after a few years because it was so cringe, haha. I'm sure if I looked back at other works from years and years ago, I wouldn't be thrilled with them, but those were just points in my development as a writer, so I'm not embarrassed by them.

💋 First kiss fics. Love em or hate em?

Love, love, love 'em! I've written a bunch of them and never get tired of reading them. I think it goes back to this great post:

I don’t want my fandom experiences to be unique, I want them to be sincere That’s why I enjoy reading the same tropes over and over again. Those authors are writing those stories from a genuine love of both the tropes and the characters.

❌ What's a trope you will never write?

A/B/O. I've only recently started reading it at all, and I just can't see myself writing it.

Also, main character death. I need some happiness in my writing, so I might make my protagonists suffer, but I'm never going to kill them. I always need comfort with my hurt. My heart can't take it otherwise 😂

Thanks for the ask <3

Send me more Fanfic Writer Emoji Ask?

[c0rpseductor]

after the bs earlier today (i deleted the posts so i think pretty much nobody will know what i'm talking about which is fine) i turned off anon and i feel kind of wary talking about this stuff, and i don't want to be like "oh this anon won they made me upset!" but like. this clown made me upset what can i say

i'm just really pissed about it. i really feel like, you know, this stupid fucking disorder blows bad enough, but like. literally all i said was that it blows and this idiot was like "oh bluh bluh DID isn't real." it's just frustrating because i've spent so much time worrying about being "acceptable" and "presentable" and "not cringe" about it and feeling like maybe if i kept a critical enough eye on myself i would be believed about it, and therefore about my abuse. but the people who are so invested in this like "DID is fake and everyone who has it is running some kind of grift" narrative do not give a shit whether you are actually suffering or how "presentable" you are, they just want to harass mentally ill people.

ultimately of course this makes me even less comfortable with talking about it than before but at the same time i'm kind of like. idk. i've been through too much shit, if i say something you don't like about my psychiatric issues just go kill yourself or some shit and don't talk to me

[sleepyezzy]

huge ass vent that's kinda cringe lmao

today (yesterday, at the time of posting this) was a lot, sure. but you can't cry. crying is a privilege that you lost with age. you can't cry. you're not bleeding. no one died. you're supposed to be happier now, anyway. wasn't that what the medication was for? i still need it. stealing it from my dad isn't enough anymore. he's going to find out and you'll lose everything again. i can't fucking do this again. i could barely even do it the first time.

lunch was shit. the food was fine, i think. it was his stupid fucking movie he wanted me to watch. last time i indulge in any of his interests, that's for sure! how the fuck do you even manage to cover my ears so i can't take out the goddamn headphone? funny when you realize this is the same mf who hid in his sweater when i said something slightly sarcastically. pick a side, dude.

i like diet coke but only because it mimics the physical effects of a setraline overdose (at least for me. realistically i know it shouldn't do that but i don't mind. it's made things easier in regards to not having the meds anymore.)

i live in fear every day. i hear so many people say so many things and i might have heard the worst of it today. sure, it wasn't aimed at me, but it definitely made me think about and remember things that i didn't want to think about it remember. i barely remember any of the details so i don't even know why it even still hurts so much. and the one time i tried to tell someone, they didn't believe me BECAUSE i didn't want/know how to tell them. some people said i was mocking real people. i know what happened, i think, but every time another person says i'm lying to myself, i get scared. it happened years ago. what if i'm just recalling it wrong? what if i'm exaggerating it?

i genuinely can't fathom how anyone can stand being around me sometimes. every time i talk they either say im too loud or im too quiet. everything i like is childish. im rude and i all i talk about is myself and things i like. i act all self centered and confident and say things to boost my own ego that comes crashing down again with even the smallest jab anyway. the negative comments are so much more powerful than the positive because why would you take time out of your day to say that if you didn't truly believe it? with the positive things, people just like being happy. it could just be that. but people hate being upset at things, so taking time out of their day to express that hatred must mean that they really mean it.

i texted one of my friends for the first time in a month or so and she said she forgot about me. another friend deactivated their account, and i'm scared that they did something stupid and that it was my fault. and that's the problem. i'm selfish. i think everything must be about me.

this isn't even talking about the goddamn death threats i got on that one account. it was harmless fun and shouldn't have been problematic in any way. and i had to delete it because people saying they'd rape/sa or kill me was way too fucking much. and, of course, when i post something telling people to please not do that because i am a real person, i get an entire essay on why i should kill myself.

i honestly don't know why i even bother trying anymore.

[aonogifreactions]

Last post

Hello everyone! As you can probably see from the title, this is my last post on this blog. Some of you might've noticed my absence long, long ago - i think just a bit before ane hiatus.

Despite losing interest, that got further killed by the announcement of the almost 1 year long hiatus - i unfortunately didn't manage to regain the love for ane. I still think the series is great - and i hope everyone that waited so long, gets to experience the joy of this manga.

I've never regretted creating this blog. It allowed me to meet so many people, make so many memories - some good, some bad, but in the end.. I'm happy. I started writing in 2017 - and i still do to this day, but i no longer force myself to do it. The quality of my writing improved so much through the years, that right now I'm embarrassed when i think about the beginning, lmao. I hate praising myself, but it allowed me to see how much better I've become at it, and how much i can still grow and make my writing even more enjoyable to the readers.

I loved this fandom, especially reading your theories (as my peanut brain couldn't put two things together) - but also, I'd like to give a big shout out to the amazing artists and writers that contributed to the series.

I won't delete this blog (unless I find a post that's cringe worthy), so people who enjoyed my writing can still go back and read it - but also for the new people, that might find this blog in the future.

That was 4 great years, that helped me find a new passion, made my English so much better and further pushed the love for it, but also - got me excited every month, until the very end.

It's possible i pop up here once in a while, but i can't really promise anything.

But you deserve the biggest thank you in the world - the people who read my stuff, that I've talked with, shared excitement with - thank you. I really, really do.

4 years of being in this fandom - thank you, once again. It was an unforgettable journey.

Sincerely, aonogifreactions.

[heatherthetiredwriter]

Revisiting Old Fics pt 1

So recently, I've just felt nostalgic for my old fics. The first fanfictions I wrote. I didn't care about how long to make chapters or whether they were even good or not. I just had a story that I desperately needed to tell and the option to write it out, the stories from movies I watched, was just so fantastical! But you know, eventually, the novelty wears off. Writing became more serious to me. I still love to write, but I tried to make it more perfect. I've always been a perfectionist, and writing didn't escape my tendencies. So all of my fics were deleted in the purge. Which sucks. Because now I can't read them. Even though the grammar was bad and the pacing was bad and nothing was accurate, they were my stories. I poured my heart and soul into the word scramble, and now I don't have them anymore. I've just been thinking about that, and it made me kind of sad. But, I still remember their storylines, and if I do say so myself, the fics were bad quality, but the storylines were solid. Some of them at least. There was one that I put years into. I spent all my time weaving this web together, and so, I want to talk about that one. Obviously, this is going to be a really long post, so ill just cut it here. Continue at your own risk.

As you guys know, my first ever fandom was How to Train Your Dragon, so obviously, my first fanfiction was obviously from there too. I had about seven-ish oc's that I made for it, and while of course, their names are very non-Viking names, that's alright. If I ever for some reason rewrite this, I'm going to change everyone's names.

So the story started out with a prologue. During a dragon raid on Berk one night, Valka was taken. Stoick was absolutely crushed. For months on end, he abandoned everyone. The village, his son, everyone. So Stoick's brothers, Spitelout and Daniel (really? Stoick, Spitelout, and Daniel? I couldn't even keep the S theme going tsk tsk) took up his place. But eventually, Stoick had to come back, but he refused, deciding to shut down. So Daniel, unafraid of his older brother, called him out and was like "hey, yeah your wife is gone and that sucks but if you don't snap out of this, your village and son will be gone too. you've mourned way past your time, now get back to work." And Stoick got mad and just banished Daniel, his wife, and their son. So the little family ended up on a small island alone.

While on this island in banishment, twin girls were born the couple. The eldest, Kira, and the youngest, Kera. (Oh goodness I have named every set of twins since then Kira and Kera and the girls have been through so much, but I have finally gotten them to a place where they stand alone and they don't make me cringe, so that's nice.) Obviously, though, that wasn't enough trauma for the main character twins.

When they were about four, raiders, rogues, people with no home or loyalties, stopped at their island. Daniel and his wife tried their hardest to protect their family but were killed. Their son (who I can't remember what I named him because I ended up changing his name to Gunnar, so his name will be that now), Gunnar had his sisters hide, and sacrificed himself. The raiders took him away on their ship, never to be seen again.

Now, Stoick, who, when he came back to his senses, felt awful about what he had done, but was too proud to seek forgiveness, had sent a guard to spy on his brother. So when the attack came, the spy sent news to Berk, but when they arrived, it was too late. Daniel and his wife were dead, Gunnar was taken away, probably to the slave markets of the south, and all that was left, hiding under a bed, were two twin girls Stoick had never seen before. His nieces, Kira and Kera. So he took them back to Berk and placed them in the care of the Hofferson's, who had a girl only a few years older than the twins, and there they grew up.

The first chapter was mostly a quick rundown of where the girls were during the movies. They were like twelve and at home basically. They found out about Hiccup and the dragon and as they were some of the only few people who actually liked Hiccup, they agreed to keep Toothless a secret.

Oh, also, quick on their personalities, like all stereotypical twins, Kira, the eldest is prone to anger, remembers better, annoyed quickly, a good close combat fighter, and has a distrust for people she doesn't know. Also, she remembers what happened on the island, while Kera does not. Kera on the other hand, is very sweet and friendly. She is very trusting, tends to forget easier. While she is quite the archer, prefers to spend her time learning from Gothi, because she wants to be the next healer. Oh, also, while they are both close to Hiccup, aside from him, Kira is closest to Astrid and Kera is closest to the other twins, Ruffnut and Tuffnut.

Okay, so back to the story. The movie happens and Kira and Kera are kinda just there, nothing happens. Same for most of riders of Berk and defenders of Berk, because they aren't really old enough. They help rescue Hiccup when he gets kidnapped by Alvin and on their thirteenth birthday, Hiccup gives them a dragon to share.

The story really starts though, right before start of Race to the Edge, which was my lifeblood back then.

Kira gets sick during her training, and so Kera is forced to be without her twin for a while. She is mostly bored so she rides around on their dragon for a while and ends up flying a little farther then she meant to. While out flying, she meets a girl named Sarah, who is also her age. Kera and Sarah spend the rest of the day playing together. When the sun starts to go down, they both go home and say they'll play again tomorrow.

The next day, Kira wakes up and feels a lot better. She goes outside only to find a commotion in front of the Great Hall. A boy who looks shockingly like a younger version of Dagur is going crazy and threatening people to find out where she is.

Kera joins her sister outside and recognizes the boy as Jacob, Sarah's older brother, who looks exactly like the girl described. When Kera let's it slip that she knows who he is, Jacob goes crazy and pins her to the wall and starts asking her questions, assuming that Kera hurt his sister. Kira, obviously doesn't stand for this and beats him up, only for Stoick to physically separate the two and then they all talk it out. Apparently, after Sarah and Kera headed their sperate ways, Sarah hadnt made it back home. So Stoick, Hiccup, Jacob, Kira, and Kera all go to look for her. They eventually find her lost in the forest. A stray lightning bolt spooked her dragon and knocked her out of the sky. It got dark and cold and the girl had been afraid that she had offended Thor. The group headed back to Berk and Jacob and Kira forbade their siblings from playing with each other again, because neither Jacob nor Kira liked each other. Jacob and Kira are both fourteen. They most definitely have a fourteen year old crush on each other. Everyone knows this except for the two of them. Anyways, obviously, Kera and Sarah don't listen to their older siblings and go play together again, only this time, the lightning comes back.

Surprise! It's not Thor! It's my Villian oc Lucky! She is a dragon rider as well, but she rides... Ah... I hate this. I love it because it's my favorite dragon and just looks so cool! But I already have the whole Skrill post. But anyways, Lucky rides a Skrill. So Lucky knocks the girls out of the sky and kidnaps them. She ties them up and hides them in a cave and then sends a ransom note to Berk. Lucky knows that Kera and Stoick's niece, and that Sarah is the daughter of the prison warden of outcast island. Kera did not know that.

Back on Berk, Kira and Jacob are arguing when the terrible terror smacks Kira in the face with the random note, she faints, Jacob carries her inside and they read the letter together. The ransom note tells them to bring a lot of gold to a sea stack outside of Scuttleclaw Island, which is quite a ride away. So they do this. What they don't know I'd Lucky didn't actually want their gold.

While Stoick, Hiccup, Kira, and Jacob went to go pay the ransom, Lucky came to Berk, ransacked things, and stole lots of their winter supplies. Furs and salted meat.

The rescue gang realizes they were tricked and on the way back, find the girls and rescue them. When they get home, they find out what happened and are angry, but Lucky is long gone and they don't know where to find her.

Anyways, during all this panic for their sisters, Kira and Jacob kinda realize they like the other, and lots of blushing and teasing from their siblings ensue. Also, Jacob and Kira both decide to stop fighting each other and tell each other what's on their mind.

Jacob reveals that he was sent adrift as a baby (from Beserker Island, but he doesn't know that yet) and eventually floated out to Outcast Island, where Sarah's father took him in. Kira revealed the whole thing about her parents and brother.

Then Jacob and Sarah go back home cos they've been on Berk for a while.

Kira also tells Astrid what happened on the island, because only Stoick and Hiccup know what happened there. Kira makes it clear that Kera is never supposed to know what happened on the island. Kera thinks they were sent there for a secret mission and their parents died of sickness. She doesn't remember they had a brother.

THEN! Race to the Edge finally starts! It's Gunnar's birthday and Kira feels sad, so she convinces Hiccup and Kera to go with her to the island. When they go, they are surprised to see a ship pull away from the island. Why would someone have visited the island? When they got to their old house, Kira is double surprised to see a piece of blue cloth freshly dropped on the ground. It's a little napkin like thing. Kira knows that Jacob had it on him the day he was kidnapped. So how did it get to the island again? Who has it? Certainly it couldn't be her 99% dead brother, could it? He was either killed or taken to be a slave somewhere.

As they head back from the island, confused, they run into the other twins, who were pranking Bucket and Mulch (with a stolen prank from Kira and Kera) and a soggy Trader Johann. As rtte goes, Johann gave Hiccup and the gang a place to go and Kira and Kera have to go do something for Gothi. When they are finished, they go follow the gang to the ship graveyard, and bring back their dragons in time to save the gang.

Once the escapade is over, Kira tells Hiccup she thinks her brother might still be alive. Maybe.

The Httyd gang go get the snow wraith tooth and unlucky the dragon eye while Kera and Kira held Gobber stand in for Gothi. The dragon eye secret is unlocked and blah blah.

At the end up the chapter it is reveal that Gunnar is still very alive and is in league with Dagur. They have a very manical laugh together.

Anyways, there is a council on Berk and Stoick decided that the gang can go out with the dragon eye- but! Much to the dismay of the mcs, Kira and Kera have to stay at home because they are too young. They are very upset as all their friends leave. All except for Gustav.

Thankfully for the twins, friend and love interest Sarah and Jacob show up the same day. Lots of blushing blah blah Kira and Jacob become 85% almost a thing. Still not official. They never actually made it official but I didn't get that far in the story lol.

Then we got to the Gone Gustav Gone arch which was my third favorite arch to write in the whole fic. Gustav, Kira and Kera run away to the edge and are passed around like hot potatoes. Like in the episode, Gustav gets upset at his treatment and runs away to join Dagur. And like in the episodes, Hiccup comes to make the trade, the dragon eye for Gustav, only Kira and Kera followed him because they don't listen to instructions. Gustav double crosses them and Hiccup finds out his little cousins followed him. The three follow Dagur and Gustav to the caves, somehow missing that the bad guys have a third member (Gunnar the brother) in their party. Once in the caves, Gustav switches sides and Dagur and Gunnar corner him. That's when Hiccup and the twins corner Dagur and Gunnar. Which leads to the most awkward family reunion either. Hiccup sees Gunnar and Gunnar freaks and turns around only to face his sisters, one of which who forgot he existed. When the caves start to collapse, Gunnar rescues his little sisters from being crushed. He tries to take Kira and Kera with him, but they stay with Hiccup. Kera is very confused because everyone is acting like they know Gunnar but she doesn't know who he is. They leave and go home. Kira goes home alone, because she is angry that her suspicions were correct. Her brother was alive. He hadn't come back for them, he hadn't sent word, and had actively tried to harm the only other family they had.

When Kira got home, she told her uncle Stoick what happened, and Stoick felt very guilty. He tried to apologize for sending her father away all those years ago, but Kira won't hear it saying "you were hurt and hurt people do bad things". She blames everyone on the wanderers, the rogues that came and killed her parents. She vowed to make them pay.

So, of course, next chapter opens up with Kira and Kera meeting a new dragon rider. Kira, angry about her brother, deals harshly with the new girl. She deals even harsher when she finds out that the girl has no home. The girl is a rogue. Even though Kira knows the girl, whos name is Honor (and belongs to my dear friend @samphnj ), couldn't have been there to kill her parents, she still treats Honor like she had. Much to Lira's dismay, Kera decides she wants to befriend Honor. Kira flips out and starts yelling at both of them, but then flies away before she accidentally lets it slip what happened to them.

Honor and Kera spend some time together and then Honor's friend, Brendyn shows up, and it takes Kera a whole of two seconds to get a crush on him. (It never really goes anywhere, but she has a crush on him.)

Brendyn and Honor tell Kera about how they survive on their own and also how another rogue rider (Heather) was almost hurt because she was flying too close to the Edge. Kera feels very conflicted about that.

When Kera goes back to Berk, Kira is genuinely surprised that her sister is still alive and that the Honor girl didn't murder her. She tries to convince Kera not to go see them again and that they are bad, but Kera won't hear it, so Kira decides to do the only thing she can do. She is going to kill Honor before Honor had the chance to kill her sister.

The next morning, Kera went out to find Honor and little did she know that Kira was following her. Kira showed up with a very murderous glare and started attacking Honor.

Kera tried her hardest to stop her sister and with the help of Brendyn, Honor managed to get away, but not before Kera saw a side of her sister she didn't like, and decided to run away with Honor and Brendyn. Kira was devistated.

And then here was where we got some backstory on Gunnar! My second favorite arch!

So, the ship of wanderers came to the island when Gunnar was seven. When he witnessed his parents death, he rushed out to try and do something. Anything to protect his sisters. One of the ladies who was with the group picked him up and took him onto the boat and threw him in a cell. When Gunnar came to some time later, he realized where he was and felt angry, sad, scared and alone. The ship made a stop at Outcast Island, where one of the ships members had a sister, who had apparently had wanted a son. Gunnar would be the ladies new son, though of course, the ship never told her where they got him from. On outcast island, the first person Gunnar met was a girl named Dustine. She was friendly and introduced herself and told him where he was at. Gunnar freaked out and tried to run away, but couldn't really go anywhere far, just to a rock with some plants in it. Here he met Sarah, who quickly becomes Gunnar's friend, as she is the same age as, and reminds him of his little sisters. Things go well for a few hours until Gunnar and Sarah run into the two other kids on the island, Dustine and Jacob. Now Jacob is very mad that Gunnar is here, because he had been the only boy on the island. Sarah had been his little sister and he had decided he was going to marry Dustine, even though she was older than he was. But now, this boy Gunnar, who Dustine had not shut up about was threatening all of that.

Time went on and Gunnar tried to find a way to get back to his home. He didn't know how to though, and so he spent most of his time with Sarah, or Dustine. This, became somewhat of a problem. Gunnar was brought to be a son to one of the prison guards, who just also happened to be the mother of Dustine. Only Dustine very clearly had a crush on Gunnar and all the village could see that, including Jacob, who hated every fiber of Gunnar's being for it.

Then one day, Gunnar realized he liked her too. Unfortunately, this led to Jacob and Gunnar getting into a fight, which is how they both met the daughter of a visiting chief from another tribe. Her name was Lucky.

Because they are just children, Lucky immediately had a crush on Gunnar and bear Jacob up for fighting him.

Now this is when Gunnar met the lady who was supposed to be is mother. (Also Sarah's dad and Lucky's parents). She apologized for not being around, that she had been away for a little, but was glad he was there to be a part of the family. Especially after how he had been held captive on a remote island by evil people.

At this, Gunnar flipped out. That was a lie! He ran away screaming and crying and knew he had to escape soon.

Dustine found him and Gunnar told her the truth, how they killed his parents and his sisters were all alone. She said she'd help him escape. They two made plans to steal winter supplies and run away to save Kira and Kera, but little did they know, Jacob and Lucky were watching them, and were angry. Lucky hated Dustine and Jacob hated Gunnar. So they decided to break up whatever was going on here.

Also, Lucky was left on Outcast Island while her parents left to try and negotiate with the Beserkers.

So somehow, Lucky and Dustine got into a fight and it ended with Dustine hanging by a thick root over a cliff with Lucky watching her and laughing. Gunnar convinced Lucky to pulled Dustine back up and Lucky ran away angry.

When all the kids came home that night, they met a group of very angry and concerned adults.

Jacob and Lucky had rushed back to their parents, and Alvin, and told them how Gunnar and Dustine were stealing winter supplies and planning on running away and added aot of extra stuff in there, like treason and murder.

A lot of dramatics happened and Gunnar ended up telling everyone the story of how he got there, which no one, except for Sarah's father believed. He begged them to be rational about this, but in the end, a fight broke out, poor Sarah got hit on the head and forget all of this, and Gunnar was put in the outcast prison. (Okay lol past Heather, I love the dramatics, but uh... This is a little much. Carry on though)

Gunnar spent the next like 11 or 12 years in prison. During the first year, Sarah's father and Dustine visited him. They told him they had gone to his home island, but his sisters were nowhere to be found. It was safe to asume they were dead. Drowned or eaten by dragons. This broke Gunnar's heart.

And then the visits stopped coming. To keep himself from going insane, Gunnar trained in his cell, working out until he had gained quite the muscle mass.

Then, one day, a crazy man was thrown into the cell next to him, yelling about how he'd take down Hiccup and all of Berk.

Gunnar knew this was his chance here. He didn't have any siblings to live for anymore, so he might as well devote his time to making Berk pay for the misfortune he had been through. Gunnar and the crazy man Dagur soon became friends, and when Dagur escaped from prison, he took Gunnar with him.

As the two escaped, Gunnar met a prison gaurd. It was Dustine, all grown up and just as beautiful. He kissed her and ran away with Dagur.

ANYWAYS! Back in the present, remember, Kera ran away with Honor. Kera spent most of her time training with them to keep her mind of of the fact that she ran away from home. Then, while they were flying one day (at this time sharing a dragon bc Kera doesn't have one of her own), the girls found a caged and wounded flightmare. Which somehow Kera tamed and made her dragon. Because I love me some dragons that can't really be tamed or ridden. The two girls then had a run in with Dagur, who had captured the flightmare.

Kera used this moment to get an answer. With the power of the flightmare, they took control of the ship and pinned Dagur and Gunnar down. Kera asked him if he was truely her brother and he said he was.

Ahhhhh! And know we are on to my favorite part of the whole fic. These two chapters where almost everything links together. I had so much fun with these two chapters. Ahhh.

So I still remember the titles. It was a two parter. The truth won't set you free / because the lies are easier to believe

It started out with Jacob taking Kira for a ride to help get her mind off of Kera. As they do, the blue napkin cloth falls out of her pocket and Jacob, to his horror, recognizes the cloth. It belonged to Gunnar. There was a rip in the cloth where Jacob had torn it because it had been so precious to Gunnar.

Anxiously, Jacob asked Kira what the cloth was, and she told him it had belonged to her brother and that she had found it recently at their home.

Jacob suddenly felt really bad, because like, he had been awful to Gunnar and has caused him not to go home to Kira and Kera and sent him to prison instead and now he was with Dagur and what if all of this was his fault?

Kira and Jacob try to take a flight, but his consciousness is too heavy.

Meanwhile, Brendyn, Honor, and Kera run into Dagur and Gunnar again. This time, Kera decides she is going to get all the answers on what happened. She sent him a message and they met peacefully on a beach. Here it flops back and forth between Jacob and Gunnar's explanation. Man I remember thinking how cool that was.i was so proud of myself.

So Gunnar starts to explain what happened on the island and Jacob confesses that it's all his fault, which Kira doesn't understand.

As Gunnar talked to Kera, she refused to believe him, because it shattered her whole world view. In the end, she left with her friends in a panicked state and a crisis.

Jacob told Kira the whole story of what happened, which she still didn't understand, because he hadn't gotten to the point. Kira did understand then that the Lucky in the story was the same Lucky who kidnapped Kera and Sarah earlier.

Eventually Jacob got to the point. How Gunnar had been trying to come back to them- and here Kira began to cry. She had been so angry at her brother because she thought he had left them, but he had tried to come back. But he had been thrown in prison... Because of Jacob!

Both sisters, on opposite sides of the archipelago spent the night alone. Confused and wishjng they had the other for comfort.

And then I time skipped to have a dragon will travel, because we were 39 chapters into my first ever Httyd fic and I hadn't once written about my all time favorite Httyd character, Heather!!!

Kira is allowed to go to the Edge with the rest of the gang, mostly because Berk does not need to handle her sadness and anger lol.

Hiccup, Astrid and Kira go to look for the rogue dragon rider who is attacking their fishing ships. Hiccup and Astrid think it might be Dagur, but Kira is sure it's Kera's friends. While the rest of the gang want to find this dragon rider (and come up with a plan to do so) so that they can stop the rider from attacking ships, Kira wants to find the rider to demand to know where they put Kera's body after they killed her, because she is certain her sister is dead, even though she's not.

Only, as we all know, when they find the rider, it's Heather! (Ajhhhhhskdjwja I swear when I watched the episode I almost fell out of my seat! I'd forgotten how much I love her and then she had changed so much! She grew! She was so sassy and pretty and ahhhhh)

Kira just gets annoyed because one, she is no closer to know where Kera's body is, and also she dislikes Heather and is annoyed that everyone is fawning over her.

And here Kira has a breakdown and can't take it anymore. She is very full of hate and anger and rage and she's fourteen. I wrote this when I was thirteen. I had some problems then. Hah... Wow. Anhwayyyyys.

Anyways, Kira and the gang go with Heather to help her take down Dagur. Of course, Gunnar is with him. While Hiccup, Dagur, and Heather have a little family reunion, Gunnar starts questioning Kira as to why she told Kera lies about what happened to their parents.

At this, Kira starts crying, because she is told that Kera is still alive. Also Kira and Heather have a quick bonding moment, mostly Heather being confused as to why this fourteen year old girl is acting all edgy.

Then there was another time skip. Kira was back on Berk and we are on the episode Astrid's team.

Dagur And Gunnar are pillaging Berk and Gunnar takes this as a chance to steal one of his sisters back. He sets fire to the Hofferson house and carries a sleeping Kira out.

However, she woke up and managed to escape from her brother. But Berk was devistated in the attack. The rest of the episode goes just about the same. Kira joined Astrid's team.

Also a quick cut to Dagur with his plan and we find out Gunnar has taken a prisoner And is spending all his time with the prisoner.

Then when the Edge is under attack, Astrid tells her little crew not to come and defend, but Kira and Gustav lead the team out to protect the edge.

Back with Dagur, he is freaking out because the dragon riders are winning, and then gets upset because Gunnar isn't there, and is down with the prisoner. He storms down to tell at him and we see the prisoner is none other than... You don't get to know yet because I didn't reveal it then.

Kira and Gustav and the others arrived in time to help out and they quickly overtook Dagur.

As Kira fought and flew around, she heard the voice of the prisoner, who asked for her help to escape. It was a young woman. Kira agreed and got her out of the cell.

The episode ends and Gustav is named leader of the A-Team, which Kira is mad about for a second, until Astrid tells her that Kira isn't leader bc she is welcomed on both dragon riding teams.

Then the turn matters to the escaped prisoner. It's Dustine.

So cut back to how Dustine got kidnapped. She was headed towards her post for gaurd duty. She heard some drama with Jacob and Sarah and them fighting about some girl named Kira. Then she went to her post and did her job for a while.

Then Gunnar showed up, teased her a little, calling himself the man she loved and then said he was here to kidnap her because he couldn't live without her. And so, he did kidnap her.

Gunnar's plan is simple. He would get revenge on Hiccup and Berk for banishing them to the island, marry Dustine, get his sisters and they'd go live on the island happily forever.

Dustine obviously isn't having it and calls him crazy. She tries to escape, but she's on a boat in the middle of the ocean.

Basically Gunnar is kinda lusting over Dustine and Dustine loves the version of Gunnar that's in her head and is sad because the handsome man in front of her is not the one from her head.

The two went through some up and downs and Dustine began to understand why Gunnar is working with Dagur. She won't let herself love Gunnar right now, but told him that she probably would have if he had just asked her to come instead of kidnapping her.

Anyways, back to the present. Dustine is free and realizes that Kira is Gunnar's sister.

Kira and Dustine swap stories and somehow the topic turns to Jacob. Dustine tricks Kira into getting her to meet Jacob so they can talk it out.

And then, this is where I kinda stopped writing. I got a good fifty chapters done for the fic.

I don't really remember what all happened after this point, cos i didn't really have it planned.

Kira and Kera eventually would get reunited and Gunnar would turn back to the good side (before Dagur does). He and Dustine would end up being a thing. Same with Jacob and Kira. I never really gave Kera a partner.

Now, while this was where I stopped writing the story, it wasn't all I had for this au. There were two other stories which I will talk about in another post bc this is already too long. Both focus on Lucky, who was just briefly mentioned here. But yeah, that's all for now. This is very long and I'm not sure than anyone actually read all this, but it's been great fun for me to remember all of this stuff and write it out.

[daisy-mooon]

For the fanfic ask game perhaps the question 1, 4, 11 and 14? Only if you want, of course! Hope you’re having a wonderful day!

1) I started reading fanfiction at age twelve, but I unknowingly wrote my first at 8! First published fanfiction was Trust Me I Know on Wattpad. I gave it to somebody else but I think they deleted it. Anyways it was cringe lol.

4)

This is about a stuffed bird

Benchtrios Amazing Guide to City Living

Growing Pains/Shifting Perspective/Forged in Blood (hi Juno!)

MCSM stuff because I love the fanfics

Movie Mode

October Children

Hybrid

Also some Marvel recs because the Worst Fam have me stocked on angsty Loki stuff

The Other Timeline

Echoes

Wandering Child

11) I think of random things that could relate to it, but it mostly comes in the form of song lyrics! K-pop is my biggest inspiration of them all, but Killing Butterflies was named after the song Killing Butterflies.

Solivagency was taken from the word Solivagent, meaning to wander alone, at 1am and I forgot how to spell it and by the time I was seven chapters in I realised that solivagency wasn't actually a word,,, lmao,

My old marvel stuff was mostly just from whatever sounded cool. My titles were wild back then lmao

My Mandalorian fanfictions solely contain killing Din Djarin so I googled phrases in Mando'a and found the ones that meant shit like 'i love you' to make people cry? Idk.

For my MCSM fanfictions. Half found forever lost is a title I am VERY VERY VERY proud of. You know when people have lost and found? Well I slapped some words into it. I love it so much. I love it so so much that I'm probably going to use it again for a future fanfic. Yes my two long term fanfictions will have the same name but it's actually a long term benefit because since both will pop up when you search for them, helping to get the MCSM one more reads since MCSM fanfictions have almost no reads..

14) I used to write really short chapters like idk 400 words a chapter. In my first fanfic Trust Me I Know it was maybe 200 words a chapter? For Solivagency my personal word minimum used to be anything over 1.5k and it worked but i also feel that it sucked ass because of that. Now I bully myself into 2.5k+ chapters. It's gotten slower (remember that time I uploaded I think three Solivagency chapters in a night?) but the quality has kinda improved and that is Pog.

For oneshots I don't have a minimum but I try and make it at least around 500 words. Oneshots have still gotta have content lol.

[rimouskis]

Idk if you can relate but I thought I'd ask you because you also write fic nowadays. I recently published my first fic after years of writing and never managing to finish anything, and now I feel crippling shame about it. Not because I think the writing's bad, but because it's a tropey smut piece that has been done multiple times already within that particular pairing and I'm not bringing anything new to the table. I feel like deleting my ao3 account 23 times a day and have to tell myself every time that I'm unlikely to write something everyone will like, but it's also unlikely that I write something no one will like. Just, how do you get over this emotional conflict? I'm afraid this will kill my motivation to write fic altogether. Maybe getting good feedback would make me feel better about it, but I don't even want to look at the comments or go near ao3 rn for the cringe of it

hey there!

I actually think what I have to say is what you need to hear right now. first of all, congrats on publishing a fic after years of not finishing! that's seriously wonderful. it's an accomplishment, please feel proud of yourself. sitting down and putting in the work to write IS an accomplishment.

secondly, I know that as content creators, writers, or artists, we often feel like we need to be pushing the field somehow, that we need to be unique or innovative.

and being unique and innovative is good, to be sure.

but also... for us, specifically... we're writing fanfic. I know that as a reader, innovation is fun and cool to read, but often it's the tropes and similar fic conventions that DRAW ME to fic. there's nothing stopping me from reading some original fiction right now (in fact, I have some books WAITING for me right now). but what if I'm not in the mood for original fiction? what if I want what fic offers me instead?

I was actually thinking about this the other day, because I was ruminating on how when it comes to a/b/o (here we go with the a/b/o again), I very rarely seek out trope subversions. I like a/b/o because I like a/b/o. I like it exactly as it is, I love the trope conventions, I love how authors interpret it. I come to a/b/o fics to READ A/B/O.

it doesn't have to break the mold. it doesn't have to do something mindblowing (though those things are cool). it just has to be fun and an enjoyable reading experience, and I can PROMISE you someone got that out of your fic. your fic will find someone who likes it; hell, it might become someone's favorite fic.

have you heard of the "two cakes" principle? it's legit. you might think you're being derivative or too much like other fanworks, but some fans, like myself, WANT that. like, to use a really trite food example, if I go to a pizza party and there are seven different pizzas, you bet your ass I'm going to sample (and enjoy) them all! it's pizza! I like it! I will eat all varieties available to me and have a good time!

you don't think your writing's bad. that's HUGE. that's big. that's fantastic! you have talent and a willingness to put in hard work. and god, as someone who ENJOYS tropes, having a good writer contribute a piece to that trope makes my day.

you don't need to bring anything new to the table. sometimes you don't need an elaborate tasting menu of exotic ingredients. sometimes you just need a comfortable old trope you've read before and will read again because you like it. tropes exist for a reason: people like them!

please, don't delete your ao3 :) and don't feel like you need to have everyone like what you write. what you need to worry about is if YOU like what you write. I know I'm my #1 rereader, because even though I see flaws in my own writing, I'm writing stuff I'M interested in. this is fanfic, this isn't my job: I do it for myself and for a few friends, and it's really nice to try and strip yourself of worries about who's going to enjoy it. it's hard, but give it a try!

I'm sure your readers really, really appreciated your fic, anon. I hope you can appreciate it too ❤️