#if things go horribly she doesn’t wanna go through what her mother went through | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

punkscowardschampions · 1 year ago

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Ronali & Cali

Ali: [When you have collected yourself and got yourself out of the old caravan, track down this boy, wherever he may be, I’m sure you’ve brought him some kind of food for his hangover because that sort of bear]

Ronan: [Why was my brain immediately like oh I bet he was playing football or whatever with those little kids, simply unnecessary even if he is that sort of bear]

Ali: [My boo is trying to shame wizard this gal so hard I’m loling, trust, we’re feeling the awkwardness no matter how hard we power through, please come and get this food, sir ‘or I’m gonna eat it’ because I feel like you have forgotten to in your haste to get here]

Ronan: [Whatever this food is, breaking it in half and giving her some, the smaller half because he’s still just a boy and we can’t be that soft, but still, it’s fine and it feels natural despite the awkwardness there is between y’all because he’s scared he’s impregnated Carly but can’t tell her about it cos we don’t wanna talk about the deets of that hookup]

Ali: [do a lil smile and cheers with your half of this breakfast sandwich or whatever, giving him a little shoulder nudge like hey as you take your first bite so you can’t actually say it out loud, covering your mouth for politeness’ sake when you do talk ‘still got time for footie?’ like oh okay, you’re not THAT grown up now, good to know]

Ronan: [taking his own big bite, which is basically the entire thing, so he doesn’t have to answer, so doing it with a shrug like these littler kids wore him down, which we know they did because they are pains in the arse and he just goes along with whatever peeps want in this era, kicking the ball, which those same kids have abandoned cos Johnny shouted at them, to her]

Ali: [shaking your head affectionately, could be at him or these nuisance children, we know it isn’t at y’all rn because she’s PISSED but you know, kick this ball back and forth whilst you eat this food in silence that isn’t awkward despite the elephant in the room you’re both aware of ‘seen your brother?’ quietly so not just anyone can overhear, ‘cos we know he’s fucked up but we haven’t seen him ourself]

Ronan: [‘got myself the one look before ma shooed us all out’ because in my head it’s that bad their mother has literally had to take care of this boy, cos not gonna go to hospital about it but really should, said like it’s casual and not horrible because the weird and complicated feelings he would have about this]

Ali: [‘he knew what would happen’ not as callous as that sounds because we’re trying to act like we’ve got more concern for Moses than we do ‘what else did he mean by bringing it for everyone to see?’ with our own shrug]

Ronan: [a nod, because that’s all true, kicking the ball away somewhere and sitting himself down somewhere else, knowing she will too next to him]

Ali: [obviously do, knocking your knee against his that’s nearest to you ‘and if it were about sides, at least they’re on yours?’ because at least they didn’t just all take the piss]

Ronan: [‘true enough’ because he definitely expected more pisstaking than he’s received hence he went through with it in the first place and didn’t just run away, picking something out of her hair that he doesn’t know is scut from that old caravan floor with an amused head tilt and smile like lol you what’s that]

Ali: [taking it from his fingers to inspect and then throw on the floor like God knows lol ‘swear I’ve showered’ just like you’re still a wreck from this party or something ‘you know you can talk about it with me’ as if it’s a casual add on to your chitchat there, holding his hand for just long enough to give it a squeeze ‘as you can’t exactly be honest with anyone else’ shrugging like, you don’t have to but the offer is on the table]

Ronan: [‘me too, like’ with a lol but in that self conscious way when you feel like you could look like a massive state because you lowkey feel like a wreck in your head with everything that’s happened, hence all the self conscious body language to go with that he isn’t bothering to hide from her ‘I had her swear not to tell you nothing’ like how can I really, but keeping the tone way more casual than he feels there]

Ali: [‘she hasn’t’ just to confirm that you have not been gossiping about him because that’s not the vibe at all ‘I just care how you feel about it all’ ‘cos tell us as much or as little as you want ‘you can’t say that much to Carls, even’ ‘cos we know you don’t want to hurt her feelings obvs]

Ronan: [‘was I wrong for saying she’s not to, though?’ because it’s only occurring to him now, my sweet slow boy, that this means she has nobody she can talk to about it either as y’all aren’t talking to each other rn obvs, literally scratching his head about it like um]

Ali: [shake your head ‘she understood why, what you meant’ because we do believe that and know you weren’t being like Moses about it like keep my name out your mouth vibes ‘I can talk about her with her, like’ ‘cos we all know you slept together so we can discuss Carly’s fears without getting into the nitty gritty, like that isn’t even against what you said so don’t worry]

Ronan: [another nod because you know Carly and you too believe that she understood the vibe and she knows you and likes you so that part isn’t a massive worry really in the scheme of things ‘and have you?’ just asking how she is because he do care, they’re friends and they’ve known each other long enough for her to be his first kiss so]

Ali: [‘next stop’ gesturing at your bag because you invariably have some breakfast etc in there for Carly too ‘talked to her a bit after, when she’d taken herself to bed’ ‘cos you did and that’s assurance she’s not in an absolute state because we would know if she were]

Ronan: [a lil smile like oh you, cos we love that she’s this bitch, after a pause while we ponder how to get into all this ‘she’ll be after keeping on as we were, do you reckon? ‘Cause of it being more about Mosey for her than me?’ when you’re like I sure do hope Carly isn’t in love with me]

Ali: [doing little ta-da fingers at your bag ‘cos it’s Mary Poppins with the amount of random shit you’re always carting about, doing a little smile like oh you at him yourself ‘I reckon so, have to ask her for the guarantee but’ because yes we do but not gonna speak for Carly so hard to confirm it]

Ronan: [‘I do like her, but, you know’ awkwardly and blushing a lil bit cos yes Ronan we all know you like Ali more rn, god bless you, looking away from this gal and scuffing his shoe along the ground ‘be best if we can go back to how we was’ when Ali is beyond included in that we, even harder than Carly is, I can’t, soz you can’t go back sir cos the jali train is full steam]

Ali: [‘I’m pretty sure all she wants is to be mates again, yeah’ tactfully acting like you don’t notice his blushing or looking away because you’re kind, even if it has you rubbing the back of your neck yourself ‘it’ll sort itself all out and Mosey will be humbled enough when he’s better he won’t be no bother about it’]

Ronan: [when you wanna say something about the distinction between how you and Carly were mates before and how you and Ali were, and you think still are because obvs you don’t know about jali and that you won’t get to kiss her all day again for a long time, but you don’t know how to verbalise any of that or if you even really want to, so you let it drop, but it’s clearly there hanging between y’all and Ali will know]

Ali: [doing a sigh that’s meant to convey a kind of phew, now we’ve sorted that energy but is also partially a real one at the awkwardness of this, covering it by resting your head on his shoulder as a comforting its okay gesture for you both]

Ronan: [me just sat here knowing this boy is gonna take that in the literal opposite way she means it, oh lads, catch this boy stroking her hair like in those gifs rn, thanks I hate it, no offence Ronan]

Ali: [when you really should move but you don’t because you aren’t a perfect person and you can say it’s only platonic or you thought it was when y’all are blurring those lines and no one is really speaking on it and saying what they mean, life is messy and so are we lmao ‘so you’re okay?’]

Ronan: [‘now, yeah’ literally because of this moment happening, because he was obvs worried that Ali would be upset that he lost his virginity to Carly instead of her and things would blow up between them all for that reason, though we know she isn’t and that’s the reason it’s awkward, soz boy]

Ali: [we’re a little salty at the whole thing but mainly because we think you deserve better than that game that wasn’t about you but as I’ve said previously, there’s no saying that without sounding like you’re massively jealous and slagging off Carly, so we’re keeping that one under our hat ‘long as you are’ nudging his shoulder affectionately with your forehead before sitting up again]

Ronan: [‘it’ll sort itself, how you said’ like it’s that simple and that’s the end of it, because this boy is a simple soul, bless him and he’s like if Ali says it, it’s true cos she’s much smarter than I am, putting his arm around her and pulling her into him, in a chill but not at all chill at the same time way]

Ali: [‘everything always does, soft lad’ we do believe that, even if we’re aware there’s some more going on bts that you won’t love, scousing at you for affection’s sake as we return this hug]

Ronan: [this boy just buzzing now, oh sir, the absolute u-turn of his mood because he spoke to this gal for a sec, just trying to show that his crush has him in a chokehold in this era but he isn’t gonna make the first move about it]

Ali: [you’re doing amazing sweetie, me like thank GOD we got Carly to namedrop when we need to get out of here because you can’t just be like welp anyway ‘sorry he ruined your birthday’ because we know Moses is not apologising to you properly and someone should]

Ronan: [‘it weren’t too bad’ yes it was sir, we don’t need to downplay it but we get it, that’s who you are atm]

Ali: [shrugging him off, not dramatically because not our drama to strop off about but we are not a Moses stan ‘you’re too young for him to pull that sort of shit with’ because it gives your 18th if you have shitty friends or whatever, not your 12th]

Ronan: [shaking his head, genuinely believing this because gypsies grow up quicker and it’s honestly mad the things y’all are doing and when and how that’s normal for you ‘John boy wasn’t much older himself and he’s himself’ shade like this boy is a nun not knowing what’s been occurring, I cannot resist]

Ali: [‘it still should’ve been your decision’ because it weren’t and we don’t like that at all, pretend you didn’t just flinch at his name and act like you’re just grossed out at the mention and THAT horrified]

Ronan: [finding out about when your currently secret bf who took your virginity lost his, nbd ‘you always say it don’t matter, and it’s a…’ trailing off cos he can’t remember the words for a social construct because Ali would say that ‘you know’]

Ali: [raising your brows and doing an amused lol like oh ‘you do listen… s’awkward’ like you’re always chatting shit and he should not bants ‘matters if you’re up for it, still’]

Ronan: [joining in this lol, nudging her like yeah I do listen faithfully thank you ‘ah well, I got it up, so’ for the bants like lest the narrative be I could and did not, which would be worse]

Ali: [doing a clap and shaking our head like lol ‘congratulations, boy, what more could you ask for, like’]

Ronan: [giving a playful push like yeah okay shh when it was in fact you who said that, sir and nobody asked you to]

Ali: [messing up his hair in retaliation ‘bet you didn’t need to think of her mum or nothing’ dangerous throwing back to that convo rn but it’s a funny thing to say thus we clearly must]

Ronan: [doing a LOL, by which I mean a much louder lol than they’ve been talking or he expected to do, therefore looking around to see if anyone’s being nosy about it but it adds to the bit cos it looks like you’re just looking to see if Carly’s mum is around ‘she probably taught her everything she knows, sure’ when you mean that to also be funny but it’s just uncomfortably close to the uncomfortable truth of Carly’s life and the not nice things everyone else says about her so you then wish you didn’t]

Ali: [just exchanging a look ‘cos you know he wasn’t trying to be that person with it but also how it is too close to home, clearing your throat like yeah, I know ‘better go check on them’ sounding as up for that as you’re feeling by this point, soz girl]

Ronan: [doing the thing where he like reaches out and puts his hands on her shoulders as a stopping her from going measure even though she hasn’t got up to leave yet and is still sat where y’all are, because you don’t wanna leave it like this with the last thing you said being that and sounding like a dick, but just looking at her cos you don’t actually know what to say/there are too many things you could that neither of you are ready to discuss]

Ali: [putting your hand on his opposite shoulder like it’s cool ‘I know you’re her friend’ because there is a clear and obvious difference there ‘if anything, I started it’ but with a shrug like it wasn’t that deep from me either, obviously, as for the rest, you know that isn’t going to be addressed right now, where would either of you begin ‘I-’ and just shaking your head like nah, not now]

Ronan: [‘I’ve not talked to her’ because he hasn’t since whoever left that caravan first and what you said during the hookup doesn’t exactly count either, and that doesn’t sit right with him clearly or feel like something a friend would do ‘spoke up for her neither’ cos remembering that he did not say a word in her defence in that group chat and we all get why but again, he doesn’t love it for himself, even though he blatantly doesn’t know what to say or where to start in that instance either, which is why he can let her starting but not finishing that sentence drop without making a thing of it]

Ali: [‘What would you have said? There wasn’t anything, really, that was kind of the point’ like you and Carly both looked like idiots, as was Moses’ plan ‘you can start the conversation whenever’ gesturing like you could go see her now if you wanted instead but we don’t think you will ‘text can be easier ‘til it’s less weird’]

Ronan: [a shrug because it’s all true, what could he really have said then, and a shift in his seat that he isn’t even aware of, just like he’s instinctively trying to back away from the way she is gesturing like no thank you, for reasons of her mum possibly being there as much as the thought of talking to Carly herself IRL rn ‘I’ll text her then’ like yeah good idea, will you though boy, I am unconvinced]

Ali: [‘She’s used to Moses’ as a definitive statement there because we can all see he was being delightful and Carly was just allowing it, so anything you do, unfortunately, is going to go over well here, doing a sigh because it sounds bitchy but you can’t help that that’s how it is]

Ronan: [‘She’s already loads to compare us by’ with a face that displays how much you hate the thought of the comparison of you two boys’ powers of seduction but that you know she will be and has, and ofc the knowledge that whatever you did in that caravan she’ll prefer Moses’ antics, which again doesn’t sit right with you, so the idea that she could also think you’re like him in the aftermath is horrible]

Ali: [giving him another hug even though you fully intended to start properly getting up then because that is a horrible thought and you hate that for him ‘she’ll never say nothing, she knows the reception she’d get’ ‘cos not like any of these boys are allowing Carly to say a thing about them]

Ronan: [‘she’s not like that’ cos she isn’t, she would keep a secret until her death if you asked her to ‘she never talked to nobody about the kisser I were before, she was dead nice about it’ because bless you hun, I just imagine it wasn’t good, you strike me as someone who always has really crap firsts, soz, but then improves incredibly to like the point of Neville’s glow up in the films, you know what I mean]

Ali: [smiling because it’s cute ‘and even if she prefers, whatever they did, doesn’t mean what you did was shit’ because it doesn’t, not even pandering to you there]

Ronan: [we ALL know she just doesn’t know what to do with someone who isn’t treating her like shit and this boy knows it too, so smiling back sadly, nodding his head towards the direction of her gaff like go and check on her, because it is sad and we wish it was different for this gal cos she is our friend]

Ali: [getting yourself up like yep, better do this ‘see you later, Ro’ running your hand across his shoulders as you walk past and towards Carly’s]

Ronan: [cheers a random object in her direction, idk something nearby you can grab, like she did the breakfast food to wave her off]

Ali: [do a little curtsey as you’re literally letting yourself in this caravan to find this gal because we don’t care if your mother is here although for writing’s ease, we should say you are not ma’am because you’ll be like a third character and we don’t need that lmao]

Carly: [we really don’t that would be so annoying cos she is such an extra character clearly and behaves more immaturely than either of y’all, allow me to set the scene of what Ali is walking in on because Carly is having a BREAKDOWN so there’s loud af music hitting Ali immediately as she walks in, probably Abba lol, something that’s giving happy but actually sad, and this girl is dancing around manically drinking god knows what from a bottle because the vibe is we’ve been doing this for a minute and we’ve really hit the tail end of her mother’s hun booze stash, just trying to pretend everything is normal and we’re having fun and we don’t care about any of it]

Ali: [when you were not prepared to walk in on this scene because you’re always amazed that everyone is just leaving y’all to it to be this messy and not caring, although you should not be surprised at the hypocrisy ‘cos it’s the same with your fam, everyone wants to look and chat but not get involved, just flicking the lights on and off to get her attention so she doesn’t get spooked, trying to catch her eye like hey girl, what’s all this then energy]

Carly: [when you finally realise she’s there which is taking longer than it should because booked and busy with these chaotic scenes, dancing over to her like you would if she entered a party and not this and you were so so happy to see her, hugging her SO big which is another clue that you’re not okay cos you’re lowkey clinging to her for a sec here before you realise that is not meant to be the vibe and then you let go, lol and hold the random af gross bottle out to her]

Ali: [hugging her back and trying to steer her towards the sofa or a kitchen stool or anything you can to see if she’ll sit with you, taking the bottle with you like you’re drinking it or have every intention of but of course you’re not actually having any and are just dancing it away as you go to put the kettle on and get out two mugs like this is your kitchen, also getting the breakfast things out of your bag and preparing them because sure there’s more need because you’d bring Carly swaggier stuff than whatever you brought Ronan just ‘cos]

Carly: [watching her do this, genuinely amused and also puzzled like what is this gal doing rn this is a party but we love her so much, changing the song from whatever it was to ‘slipping through my fingers’ for the bants because she’s being such a mum friend rn and literally saying to her ‘you’re such a mammy’ having to lowkey shout it over the song, adding ‘I think?’ with another lol cos she’s obvs nothing like poor Carly’s, but then this gal bursting into tears which we know is because she doesn’t wanna be pregnant by Ronan, or anyone, but Ali doesn’t]

Ali: [just laughing until we are not because it was all going so well until we have to leave this food on the counter and come get you and turn this damn music down as we do, properly holding you like you do when someone’s crying and you gotta let them get it out in their own time]

Carly: [this girl SOBBING being like ‘I can’t do it’ and ‘I’m so stupid’ etc between said sobs is such heartbreaking foreshadowing to when this is actually real in a few years ‘I never thought he’d not know to, but I should’ve, why would he, like?’ just lowkey not making sense because she doesn’t know the lack of a pullout mishap but you’re too drunk and sad and you’re assuming she knows everything you know]

Ali: [‘What happened?’ as calmly as you can, smoothing her hair down because you kinda think you get it from the context clues but you also don’t want to jump to any conclusions that don’t need to be jumped to here ‘It’ll be okay, we’ll sort it’ just standard and true whatever this is]

Carly: [‘it was grand ‘til the end’ immediately stopping yourself like actually no that is not correct ‘sure look, okay, not grand but-’ stopping yourself of reasons that you promised you’d not share deets and drunk as you are, you will not ‘Moses always just’ and doing a mime with her fingers of what we mean here because if anyone needed proof these are children ‘and it’s all my own fault’ goes without saying we’re crying through this]

Ali: [almost laughing, like so close, but only with you and because we’re relieved this is not actually the dire situation it would appear from the mess you are in, still, thankfully we did not lol but the ‘Oh, Carls’ is such mum vibes again like you silly billy ‘that’s okay, sure, a little awkward but we’ll say it’s for me if you’d rather’ because I’m sure the pharmacy people are like HOW OLD but they can’t deny it to you, surely, they might have to tell your parents if you’re under 13 though I feel like… maybe we will keep it for you babes ‘it happens, you don’t need to feel bad’]

Carly: [the way the ‘I’m sorry’ is immediate and over and over as if Ali is a mum and we hate that we’ve disappointed her with this, and just because she always says sorry for everything all the time, especially things that aren’t her fault, until she offers up a solution and then it’s like omg okay because this poor girl didn’t even think of that, she just didn’t know what to do besides accept her fate and be miserable ‘[her mum]’ll say it’s for her’ because she would she wants to be y’all’s besties]

Ali: [just shhing her in the comforting way not the shut up way, popping this bottle we were still holding on a side table or wherever out of reach and sight like you are no longer required thank you ‘good thinking, she’ll probably want to’ because it saves the questions being asked of your parenting, ma’am, lord knows they need asking but you don’t want that happening ‘you want me to ring her or?’]

Carly: [just get up and find your phone cos god knows where it is honestly but plug it in to charge and then while you’re waiting for it to turn on so you can send a text, sit back down, on Alison’s lap for no reason whatsoever except you’re drunk and that’s your whole vibe ‘you came to check on me’ like in awe and that’s just occurred to her because she’s never had a real friend and people don’t care about her like that]

Ali: [just cradling you casually, it has been a day/a continuation of a night for us all lmao ‘I should have been here sooner’ because you really didn’t need to have this freakout but a bitch can only be so many places at once which is the story of Alison’s life, just feeling like you’re there for everyone but help no one in the end, ugh ‘I’m sorry’ just saying this into the top of her head]

Carly: [so snuggled into this girl that Ali can only feel not see the shake of her head, looking up at her to smile genuinely ‘you can’t be everywhere’ cos bitch she knows ‘and I think I told you to see to the boy first’ oh Ronan, you never need to know about this hun, lucky you, reaching up and touching her frecks like a nose boop ‘you’re not to be sorry, you’re here now, I love that you’re here now’]

Ali: [about to say something about not being where you should be, or something to that effect but you can instead be like I did and relay everything positive that came from talking to Ronan and the fact he too is fine without any need for lies or exaggeration here, I imagine we’re just plaiting your hair whilst we do, getting it untangled and out of your way]

Carly: [being like aw and genuinely happy, smiling so big during all these deets knowing that Ronan is okay because excuse me but she loves all these boys whether they like it or not and seriously cares so much about them all it actually upsets me how they all treat her ‘will I send him a text too?’ meaning it in that way Irish do of it being an I’ll text him as well as my mum, because she knows he won’t make the first move here, he never does, sending him all the cute pink and red emojis she can find in her current state because red is his designated colour like Moses is blue and Bartley’s is green and Ali’s is mostly yellow rn but she’s actually all the colours unlike them, playing with Ali’s hair back but in a much less productive way, only then noticing the love bite on her neck because that is not hideable in any outfit, hiding her face in it loling ‘was this him?’ incredulous because we can’t believe Ronan would and has it in him, soz boy]

Ali: [just watching her pick out all her emojis because it is a casual science with how many she uses tbh, getting up like you’re so offended like oh my GOD at this love bite loling, gently pushing her into whatever seat y’all were in and whacking a pillow at her, but also, in reality, the kettle has boiled and you’re going to carry on making a tea, can also hide any reactions you want to by being that distance and not right next to each other ‘of course it wasn’t’ NOT said in the Ronan doesn’t have it in him way but like, I wasn’t about to get with him last night you fool type of way]

Carly: [immediately standing up, however unsteadily, while Ali is making this tea like you MUST get a proper look at her and see what you can see, coming over to be right in her grill and inspect her more closely and carefully like hmmm, pulling at whatever top she has on in a playful, and we all know and dare we say it flirty, manner because of course drunk as you may be it has clicked to you what happened and you gotta see all this dramatic evidence]

Ali: [laughing and trying to hold her up by faux holding her at arm’s length like stop it you, obviously we’re blushing because this is such a touchy subject currently and you said you wouldn’t say anything but you already told Carly lowkey so like eep]

Carly: [it’s her own turn to do a cross mum/nan impression like ‘now, you let me see’ as Ali tries to stop her lol, but we loling even as we pout haha, soz that this girl is unrepentant and gleefully reacting like ‘my god!’ at what she manages to uncover, which we know isn’t even the half of it, nevertheless looking over this gal with her wide and mischievous eyes looking adorable and absolutely buzzing, it goes without saying she’s also touching these lovebites, bruises or scrapes because she has no boundaries, but so softly with love and in awe, until she’s eventually gotta hug Ali in that I’m so happy for you way, cos she genuinely is]

Ali: [coming out with all the kind of dumb excuses you would to a mum/nan that don’t actually explain away any of it like, I fell, that’s a bug bite etc, all the bants to not actually get into it and have to talk about Johnny, poking this gal in the corner of her mouth like oi, cheeky, unable to handle the softness of how you’re touching us right now ‘you’re not mad?’ which covers a lot of ground because plenty of reasons she could be from the timing to the who etc]

Carly: [trying and failing to do a Tess impression as if she was the one listening to these excuses because immediately cracking up laughing obvs as Tess and Carly are polar opposites so the idea of trying to be her is too funny as are some of the excuses Ali is coming up with, sticking her tongue out when she gets poked, again in a flirty way because obvs, this gal just can’t not ‘why?’ genuinely like she cannot fathom a single reason she would or could have to be mad because all she is is happy that Ali got what she wanted]

Ali: [at least we too can crack up at this because you know your mother’s reaction should she notice will be explosive and in this era y’all are really butting heads and you’re testing her so the idea of it amuses you greatly, here chasing your tongue with our fingers like we’ll pinch it to keep it in place ‘because you’ve not been having a good time’ like you didn’t need to be here having it quite so rough if I had been here instead, shrugging like it’s chill and you don’t feel as bad as you do for it]

Carly: [we stan the Tess shade and this v flirty tongue vs finger war happening, love you ladies, want nothing but the best for you ‘it weren’t so bad’ when you don’t realise that’s almost identical af to what Ronan said ‘and what’s for the bad’s my own fault’ with her own shrug like you likewise aren’t broken apart by this and been having a breakdown]

Ali: [‘You thought you had to have a baby’ shouldn’t be your responsibility but when you know no one else is checking on or looking after this girl so it essentially is, pass her her mug and some fruit or something from this breakfast moment you can start preparing again ‘it was selfish of me to go off with him’ not going to say you wouldn’t do it again but you like to think you can cop to what you did at least]

Carly: [‘yeah, there’s what your man would call my punishment for leading his poor little cousin astray’ again like we’re amused and that wouldn’t be life ruining, but you genuinely do believe it’s your own fault and you also know it is exactly what everyone on this site would say + worse, putting some fruit in her mouth like it’s chill ‘you’re to be selfish if you want, you’re not for proper my ma, like’ affectionately like oh you because the last thing we think we need is anyone looking after us, despite the fact this gal REALLY do]

Ali: [‘we’ll wait for God to dish out his punishment for birth control if he turns out to be bothered’ with another shrug like meh, fuck what any of these people think because basically ‘your ma knows she needs to go get it today?’ the way we don’t trust this woman even though we’re sure she’s had to get it herself many a time, like go NOW hun lmao ‘she can have some [the slayest part of this breakfast] if she hurries herself’]

Carly: [‘god don’t even bother himself with a knock and run ‘round here’ like that’s the truest thing ever cos the gypsies are a law onto themselves with all things, eating more fruit, sitting on the countertop swinging her feet before tucking them under her, looking adorable again ‘I did loads of’ doing !!s in the air ‘to be sure’ because you don’t trust this woman either but you’ve lost your earlier despair and therefore urgency about this clearly, doing SUCH a pout at the idea of her mother taking any of this breakfast away cos Ali brought it for her and it’s a special nice thing nobody else is doing for her]

Ali: [‘You can’t bring any of this up when she’s here though’ gesturing at your whole self in general because Carly is drunk and you don’t want her accidentally talking about this in front of her mother who is not to be trusted in any way obviously, cupping her pouty face like remember, okay ‘Or I’ll have to blame someone else and God knows who I’m picking’ like cba fake dating someone to shh your gossipy mother]

Carly: [SO much hurt in her eyes and on her face at the suggestion she’d bring this up in front of anyone, no notes]

Ali: [‘Carls’ like don’t look at me like that ‘It’d be her, not you’]

Carly: [‘I’d not tell her’ in the smallest saddest voice ever as she gets up off this counter, careful girl don’t die, and goes back to where she left her phone, checking it to see if Ronan has replied or anything because absolutely devastated that she doesn’t trust us and we’re trying not to cry or say something really extra about it]

Ali: [When you know you’ve upset her and you did not mean to so you follow her but sit on the next seat so you aren’t FULLY in her grill and she can still do what she’s doing ‘I’m sorry, I’m just feeling super paranoid, that’s not on you’]

Carly: [despite how hurt she was, looking up from her phone as soon as Ali speaks even if she’s mid text because her priorities are always that this is more important, when you’d be playing with the plait she did for you without even realising ‘he’ll do that’ not even in a judgey way she just knows Johnny and knows how paranoid that boy is, so obvs it’s bound to rub off]

Ali: [looking down but nodding ‘we just don’t want it to be site gossip’]

Carly: [‘s’minus craic being the talk of the place’ because she always is ‘and Moses having the knowing of yous’d be’ making a face about how bad that would be and then after a beat, sighing ‘you heard how he is?’ quietly, in a don’t be mad at me for asking tone]

Ali: [reaching out your hand to squeeze hers like I know ‘exactly’ because there’s every reason to keep it private, even if he’s OTT about it, you aren’t dying for everyone to know either at this point, at least you can tell her how he is, based on what Ronan told you, which isn’t good but not actively dying]

Carly: [biting her lip while she listens to this Moses update, then putting her head in her hands and rubbing her eyes like she’s 95 and never been more tired and done because it’s such a mess and we hate it]

Ali: [‘it’s no more than he was expecting’ because firmly believing you should’ve and would’ve seen this coming, soz not soz Moses, rubbing Carly’s back soothingly]

Carly: [‘can we away for a bit, after?’ meaning once your mother is back from the pharmacy and you’ve dealt with that whole dilemma]

Ali: [just making an mhmm sound like of course ‘anywhere’]

Carly: [lying across the span of these chairs so her head is in Ali’s lap, looking up at her ‘I don’t care, or know’ cos we don’t, just wanna be with our bestie thank you]

Ali: [smiling like yeah, me either because at this point, it is the mood for you both, leaning down to kiss her forehead]

Carly: [Winnie says they should go camping like they did in the OG that time, get away from everybody and he’s so right for that, but rn, laughing a lil because her hair tickles you when she does that, so reaching to tuck it behind her ear and it’s so soft and gay]

Ali: [I went through my Ali tag and saw that so you are correct Winnie and why not, Lord knows these boys don’t deserve it but that they will breathe a sigh of relief for both of y’all to be gone so, pop off ladies]

Carly: [I wonder if you could use any of your OG posts or if the vibe is too different, anyway, love it for cali regardless and it’ll give jali some much needed space because that boy needs to calm down, meanwhile just be reading her palm or something equally gay and touchy feely until your mum bowls in and you gotta do that whole thing, the way she immediately dissociates when her mum is around and the topic is anything vaguely serious because this woman is useless and can’t help you]

Ali: [I just scrolled past but we can probably do better I do imagine, ‘cos she was with Caleb at the time so we didn’t go too gay ‘cos it was one of the first times that we were like maybe Carly can be a person in her own right but see what you think hun; oh Ms Walsh, you flop, just provide the pills and go honestly but we know you won’t ‘cos you wanna be inappropriate and kill the vibe, just here like well we’re off we must go pack to camp good day because Ali just chats to adults like she is one and you have to respect that because you wanna be a teenage girl so you’re like okay slay girl bosses]

Carly: [I’ll have to see if I did anything and if I can find it but we can always do better if we want to, ugh how frustrating that her mum literally has and will never notice that Carly is shamelessly just going through the motions here and her eyes are DEAD, she is the biggest flop, now is not the time for you to try and get all the tea about who Carly slept with or to try and invite yourself camping ma’am, and cali deffo don’t wanna hear about whatever you’ve been up to, god I love Alison and I always will]

Ali: [y’all are all flopping and this woman will never be concerned enough but I hope y’all boys are at least kind of worried, you bastards]

Carly: [do you have any specific vibes you wanna get out there for camping or do you just wanna say they have a deserved nice time?]

Ali: [I think y’all deserve a nice time ladies, we can always get these boys to message them should we want but I think via socials, we could vibe out how it is for y’all in person?]

Carly: [agreed, there’s been a LOT of drama, just chill, me loling thinking how girl Ro would be so jealous knowing about this camping trip, her anti-cali stance always amuses me]

Ali: [she will be FUMING, like, girl, now we gotta plan to camp out with you in the garden when we get home, never ends lmao]

Carly: [poor Ali fr, excuse us for trying to be gay and bond]

Ali: [She’s been through it, she only just lost her virginity last night and now her boyfriend is gonna ignore her again lmao]

Carly: [mhmm and poor Carly is always being put through it, basically from now until her death, so back off please]

Ali: [you salty little weirdo, god bless]

Carly: [anyway, glad y’all get to have fun together and potentially limited phone signal where y’all are because boys you need to back off too tbh, sadly it can’t be too gay cos you’re both hung up on your respective lads but we move]

Ali: [no gaying, hence I don’t think it’s worth us doing the whole thing ‘cos we know the vibe]

Carly: [exactly, the vibe for this era has been established, we know what we’re saying until we wanna change it up and I think we did some good work with how Ali checked in with both Carly and Ronan and how it went, and I like that if you camp for a few days that’s leading us right til school starting basically]

Ali: [as you should girls, as you should, I shall post?]

Carly: [unless you can think of any boys you wanna have reach out then we can add it to this]

Ali: [hmm, should we, I’m thinking]

Carly: [I always wanna, but I’m trying to think realistically about who would and then if said convo is worth us doing, cos no offence Ronan but if it’s just you doing an awkward how are you friendly check in with Ali then we’ve covered that mood already]

Ali: [Mayhaps we leave it ‘til y’all are back, I’ll post this bit and see who and where we wanna next]

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kdipshit · 2 years ago

Text

Hard Knock Life ;

I’ve spent years trying to weed through this mess in my head, but it’s getting so clean now, It’s like the cord of thoughts in my brain was hiding some pretty cool stuff under it, pretty dope realisations. Yanno I didn’t go outside and run or walk or workout because my mum would laugh at the people who did that. I wouldn’t speak up because my mother would judge those who did. How can I say this without sounding like I’m an ungrateful daughter who doesn’t like her mum, that’s not true, that the furthest thing from the truth. I love my mother and I don’t blame her, I don’t even think I knew enough to even piece it all together. I feel like im making no sense, but im trying to read this damn chord but it’s hard. I feel like right now, im actually sick so maybe it’s the best time to talk about the rotten seeds imbedded in my brain, I’ve got a headache, im nauseous as fuck, im kinda high a little bit so im not in as much pain, my headaches aren’t fkn normal they’re fat fkn migraines that effects my neck, eye, temple, shoulder, jaw, sometimes it makes my teeth hurt or like they’re falling out lol, it’s pain I can’t open my eyes my vision goes black it’s so dramatic and so fitting for a BPD bitch lmao.

Anyways, I think that convo was getting a little like fucked up so I needed to get my mind off it, idk man I feel like I’m just rambling, I’m thinking too much about the reader and not shifting my attention back to just writing.

I have an appointment with my drug & alcohol Therapist tomorrow and like ugh. I’m feeling sick so it automatically makes me not want to go, she has only asked me of one thing, and that’s to sort my licence out, and do you think I’ve done that? No I haven’t done that, because idk why. I forgot. Like idk why I didn’t go do my licence, I guess I don’t fucking care that much. I don’t feel good today mannn, but I did still do my morning routine, most of it, which just consists on me cleaning my room, making my bed, putting music on and taking my meds lol, I’m back in bed now, but I still feel good and super grateful because my room is clean, my meds are taken, and I don’t really have to worry about anything else until a little later, I’ve given myself the space to chill, which I need sick she’s a sick girl. Oh yeah I applied for a job yesterday like full on went into the shop and handed my resume. I’m excited for the response. Sick of waiting for this other bullshit job, hours are better and it’s closer than my old job and my old job was literally 1km away.

I feel like my mum dropped me, not like physically, but she dropped her association with me when I was like 13-14 she kind of gave up on me and just let me run wild in my own brain, with no help or direction on where to go. She didn’t wanna talk to me about anything, she didn’t wanna hear anything from me, she didn’t care how I felt, what was going on at school, she didn’t care about me, or didn’t make it feel like she did, so I got a boyfriend who I became extremely codependent towards. My mum ignored me, for years, and didn’t talk to me unless we got drunk together, for years, I’m talking like 10 years she left me alone, it was awkward to talk to her, it was horrible, I missed a ghost it felt like, I missed her but I didn’t even know her.

Y’all I know I said goodbye but I’m soul tied to this man. I can’t let him go and I’m a freak for holding on still, thats how I feel, the last thing he said to me was how beautiful I am, and how much he loves me, so why is it so fucking horrible. Why does this feel so horrible, I shouldn’t reach out, thats not what I should do. Not anymore, I make myself look like an idiot, and all these thoughts are just so silly to me. But I miss him, and I don’t know if its because he’s my favourite person, or because he’s the only person to ever get that closet me… like he knows me in a way no one else can, I wouldn’t let them anyway…. I landed a job interview with a company I’m really enjoying, I don’t want to go because its a far journey, and its all too new, I just wish I had ‘him to talk to right now. I just wanna talk. It always turns into an argument, I miss him. ha. I do, I miss him, I still see him everywhere, I see him in me, I see him in everyone, and all the songs that are playing are song I was singing when we were together, yang, all that r&b shit, wee belong together by Mariah Carey just started playing, like, fuck off. Am I not tormented enough? I cant see myself with anyone else, and if that means I’m single forever then I’ve accepted that, and I’m okay with that, no one compares to my first love. And I’m not sick and tired anymore, I’m okay with that, I can understand that, and I’m okay. I guess he’s just a character that lives in my head, and thats the only way I can make peace with not being with him. Maybe he doesn’t even exist? Maybe he’s in a happy relationship, maybe I don’t even love him and I’m just in a mood swing, maybe im in love with someone else, maybe I’m in love with someone I can’t be with BECAUSE I can’t be with them, maybe I’m meant to be with someone else. Idk. Because I have loved after him, and some even more intense than my favourite person, but with my FP, I just don’t know….. I’m bound. Not for too much longer now… surely. I am so ready to let this go, soooooo ready. Omg, I still have his ring in my draw I gave him as a promise ring, he got me one swell, I know we were so married, anyways I still have his ring. Idk where it is but I know its hidden somewhere, that ring is my goodbye. I’ve always known it thats why I kept it. Just like I kept my goodbye from him for so long. The ultimate disrespect to myself. I was open for him for this long, my very first love, my first everything, it was 100% a relationship that was more grown than we were, way more grown. we were acting and living like we were so much older than we were. We were pretty locked in. And it was okay with me because I was following in my parents footsteps, young love, the seriousness, all the ugly. I accepted it all, and I loved all of him, for everything he was inside and out. ill always have love stored away somewhere for him, but choppitty chop chop Jesus Christ its HURTINGGGGGG MEEEEEEE. How??! gahh damnnn I’m tryinggg….. why don’t you fucking do it lmaooo, okay okay okay your right. Were gonna do it together girlie, aswell as let go of the anger I have towards my mother, since it all came out at the same time. Ugh, my counsellor told me to be honest tho so I am. I’m so much stronger than this, holding onto all of this bull fucking shit. I don’t need to hold onto anything, at all. The only thing that exist is this moment right now, thats it and thats all. Consciousness feels pretty trippy btw. Idk why I said that, I think I went into the void of the moment, lmao. Its good to not have to think or feel for use a little bit, everything disappears. All my problems leave, all my overthinking.

He kept me in line, and told me off, he guided me, he helped me, he loved me he cared for me. I can do all of that myself. If its really that, that I want. I guess I’m lonely, and he’s the only other person who can cure that for me. I feel a sensation of completeness when I’m talking to him, no matter the topic, or argument. I forgive him, and I let him go, please.

I love all my ex’s lol, not gonna lie, they all made me so crazy for them, all my ex FP’s , LMFAO, no one does it better, I wanna say I miss having a FP but I don’t, except for that one fkn FP that won’t loosen its grip on my mind, I’ve learned to live with him, its peaceful sometimes, but its still a fucking parasite. I’ve also decided I’m not going to take that job with that cool company in the city, its too far, ill keep an eye out for the other job I wrote a whole cover letter for. The universe has given me options and I am so thankful for that. Thank you thank you thank you. For everything, for it all <3 I was trying to whack the weeds out without looking at them in the eye, how rude.

#blogging #new blog #mental health #actually bipolar #actually borderline #mental instability #actually bpd #original post #original writing #original words

0 notes

libraryofloveletters · 4 years ago

Note

hi! so i came across your blog just a couple days ago and i love your fics! if possible i have a request for an eddie diaz and buckley!read fic? it might sound like a weird idea and it might not follow the time line. but the reader is a buckley, her and eddie slept together and they were about to start dating. then his wife comes back and the reader leaves la because of that reason. she then comes back 3ish years later with a daughter. her siblings know it’s eddie’s baby and tries to get the reader to tell her, but she doesn’t want to. then eddie some how finds out (you can pick how) and then he tells her that he wants to be apart of both there lives. and one last thing, can the daughter be names stella? (i hope this isn’t to detailed!)

thank you and i hope you have a great day! 😊❤️

Build A Home With Me

Eddie Diaz x Buckley!Reader

Warnings: fem!reader, slight insinuation of cheating, mentions of pregnancy, secret keeping, sibling teasing, alcohol and consumption of

Category: Angst and Fluff, lil mix of both :)

Word Count: 5k

Author’s Note: First of all, thank you for the sweet words! I loved this request and I loved writing it! I hope you liked it!! <3

---

“What time are they going to be back ?” Eddie gets up off the bed, you shrug and grab your phone. You watched as Eddie got dressed, somehow this man always looked perfect. “Y/n ? What time are they coming back ?” he stops in front of the bed, the sound of the front door unlock causing the both of you to look towards your bedroom door.

“Well, I guess now”

“Y/n!” he half whispers, half shouts. “They’re going to kill me” he says, leaning down and tossing your clothes at you. “Not they Eddie, Buck. Buck’s gonna kill you” you laugh.

“Y/n ?! We’re home!” your sister shouted from downstairs. You were currently staying with your sister, Maddie, while you came to visit LA. She was kind enough to let you stay with her because frankly, your brother could be a pain in the ass with all his routines.

“Coming!” you shout back, Eddie grabs your arm as you go to open the door. “My shoes are downstairs” he looks at you, “okay and ? Come down and get them”

“They're down there” his eyes go wide, the idea of your siblings seeing him was absolutely outrageous to him.

“Eddie, I'm a grown woman. I don't think they’ll care.”

“I do! I have to work with Buck, do you know how hard it’ll be if he’s upset about this ?”

“Would you relax? He’s slept with 90% of my friends. Let’s go” you grab Eddie’s hand and pull him down the stairs with you. “Why are you walking so loud fu-” your brother stopped in his tracks.

His little sister and his best friend. Holding hands. Coming down the stairs.

Together.

“Ed- how- wait what ? Since when?” Buck didn't know if he should be upset or congratulate them. “Buck, what’s wrong?” Maddie walks into the living room to see the 3 of you by the stairs.

“Oh hey Eddie, wanna stay for dinner ?”

Buck looks over at Maddie, she didn't seem surprised about the fact that their little sister just came down from her room with Eddie. “Did you know ?” Buck asks her, “I mean yeah, the walls in here aren't exactly thick” she laughs. Eddie’s face was a mix of shame and embarrassment. Buck didn't say anything, he just left the 2 of you by the stairs with Maddie. Eddie looks down at you and glances over to the direction Buck headed in. You shake your head and grab his hand again, giving it a little squeeze.

“Come on guys, dinner’s going to get cold” Maddie smiles, walking towards the kitchen. The two of you follow her to the kitchen. Dinner was quiet, just talk about work and if you plan on moving out to LA which was still undecided as of now. Maddie asked you to help her get another bottle of wine, leaving the guys at the table together.

“How long ?” Buck slouched in the chair, taking a sip of his beer. Eddie couldn't remember the last time he felt like this, he knows Buck is his best friend but right now, Buck was y/n’s brother and not his best friend.

“A few days after you introduced us at the station”

Eddie watched Buck. He was doing the math in his head, Eddie’s fingers drummed against his knees under the table, Buck looked over at him. “That’s almost 4 months”

“It is”

“And you didn’t tell me”

“Buck, man, she didn't want anyone to know”

“Yeah she’s always been a private person” Eddie gave him a slight smile. “Did you introduce her to Chris ?”

“Yeah, a few weeks ago. They really like each other”

Maddie’s voice interrupted their conversation. “I have pie, who wants?” she turns to the fridge, the men give her a mumble which she takes as a yes. You make your way back over to the table, standing behind your brother’s chair.

“So?” your hand rested on his shoulder, his hand comes up and pats yours, he glances over his shoulder and smiles at you.

“Really ?” you smile at him, he nods. You lean down and kiss his cheek. Eddie watches the two of you, you remind him a lot of his relationship with his sisters when he lived at home. Maddie comes back to the table with a few plates in one hand and a pie in the other.

“I should get going” Eddie stands from his seat, “Oh are you sure ? You don't want to stay for dessert ?” Maddie asks him, he shakes his head.

“Thank you but I should get home to Chris” he comes around the table and pats Buck’s shoulder on his way over to Maddie.

“Thank you for dinner” he gives her a hug, she wraps her arms around him.

“Anytime, come by anytime and it doesn’t have to be just to sleep with her,” she laughs, “you can just hang out if you want”

“Hey, I'll walk you out” you reach for his hand, Eddie follows you to the door. He stepped outside, the cool air blowing into the house, you leaned against the door.

“How long until the team knows?” you ask, he chuckles. “Maddie’ll tell Chim, Chim’ll tell Hen, she’ll tell Athena and then Bobby’ll find out”

“So let’s give it two days ?”

“2 days.”

The two of you are just standing there, looking at each other, not saying anything. Eddie grabs your hands, “can I tell you something ?”

“Anything”

“You know how I'm trying to get Chris into that new school ? And I went for the interview”

“Yeah, did everything go okay ?”

“Yeah no, everything’s fine. It’s just that, uh- well you see,”

“Eddie, spit it out”

“They want to interview Shannon” he looks at you, your face is unreadable. Eddie’s brows furrow, he’s trying to read your expression.

“His mom, right? Did you tell her? Because if that’s what it’ll take to get Chris in, you should tell her”

Eddie sighed, a feeling of relief washed over him, “I thought you’d be upset”

“Why ? It’s for Chris plus, nothing’s going on between you guys, right ?” looking at him, you were now trying to read his expressions.

“Nothing’s happening, I haven’t seen her in years”

Eddie gave your hand a reassuring squeeze. You smiled at him and pulled him into a hug. “Go home now, they're probably wondering where I am” you whisper to him, Eddie’s hands come up to your face.

“Goodnight y/n”

“Good night Eddie”

Anger, sadness, you didn't know which one you felt the most of right now.

Eddie stood across from you, the two of you were in the living room of his house. Initially you had come by to spend the day with him and Chris, and to see how the interviews went. Upon arriving, you realized that Chris wasn’t home, Eddie told you that he was out with Shannon for lunch.

“I didn’t- no, let me explain.” he looked over at you, taking a step over to you. You stepped back, you didn't want to be near him right now.

“Explain then.”

“She was feeling vulnerable, she felt like what happened to Chris was her fault and she was crying. She was blaming herself and felt horrible for leaving. I was just trying to comfort her.”

“you couldn't comfort her without kissing her ?” you spat, your words laced with anger.

“Y/n, I didn't mean too. I pulled away, she kissed me” he tried to defend himself.

You asked him the impossible question, the one he knew was coming, the one he didn't have an answer too.

“Do you still love her?” you looked over at him, his answer would determine the rest of this relationship.

“I’ll always love her, she's Christopher’s mother.”

“Eddie, yes or no. Do you love her ? It doesn’t matter if she’s Chris’s mom.”

Eddie didn't say anything, he just stood there. You nodded, running your hand through your hair. Picking up your bag, you pull something out of your bag. Eddie watched your every move, he could see the hurt on your face, he truly never meant to hurt you, that was never his intention. Stepping towards him, you shove the picture frame from your bag to him.

“This was for you” you say, Eddie looks down at the frame. It was a picture of the 3 of you. The 2 of you had taken Chris to the zoo one weekend and taken a few pictures, it was a picture from that weekend in one of the colourful frames from the gift shop.

“When did you -”

“It doesn’t matter.”

Eddie followed your steps to the door, he watched you walk out on him. Once you go to the car, you look back at him, “You know, I hope things work out between you and Shannon, for Chris’s sake. He deserves to have both of his parents in his life.”

Once again, Eddie doesn't say anything. He watches as you get in the car and pull out of the driveway. He watches you drive down the street, he watches until he can no longer see you.

On the other side of the city you sat in the car. How do you tell your siblings that you ended it with Eddie because he kissed his wife? It’s not that you didn’t know he was married, he had told you but he also told you that it didn't even count to him, she wasn’t around.

Was there even something to end ?

The two you aren’t exactly exclusive nor did you ever say that you weren’t dating. Maddie and Buck were both at work, you took the time to go inside and pack up your things. You didn't want to leave like this but you couldn’t bring yourself to tell them in person, simply for the selfish reason that it would hurt you and to see Buck’s face when you have to tell him why you’re leaving would break you. You took all these things into consideration when you wrote the letter to them.

To my Buck and Maddie,

I love you both dearly, let me just start by saying that. I’m sorry that I had to leave so suddenly and with no explanation. There’s nothing here for me, at least not what I came in search of.

The two of you are my whole world, you know that. These last 5 months have been some of my favourites but our time has come to an end, at least for now. I promise I’ll come back and visit soon but I can’t stay here, not right now. I need to leave, to get myself together. I know what the two of you are thinking right now (I’m a Buckley too, don’t forget that) that you can help me get myself together but you can’t.

The reason why I’m leaving is Eddie. Well, not entirely, he didn’t tell me to leave but I feel like I should, for his sake and for Chris’s. As you both know, Eddie and I have been seeing each other but we never made it official, we just - well I just assumed we were. I went to see him today and he said he kissed Shannon and he still loves her, he “always will” so I told him that whatever we had is over and that I hope things work out for him and Shannon because Chris deserves his parents in his life, together, if they can make it work. I couldn’t tell you this in person because it would hurt, hurt me and hurt the both of you. Please remember it was my choice to leave, don’t take it out on Eddie (especially you Buck) he didn’t do anything wrong, I knew he was still married to her. If anything, I was the other woman and I don’t know why I allowed myself to get sucked into that.

Regardless of what happened between Eddie and I, don’t let that change the way you treat him. He’s a good man and he deserves happiness. I’ll find mine too, even if it’s not with him. I love you both, I’ll call you when I get home.

All my love,

Y/n.

---

*4 years later*

Buck’s birthday was this weekend. He didn’t have plans but in Buckley fashion, Maddie wouldn’t let his birthday go uncelebrated. Hence why you found yourself wandering the terminal at the airport, waiting on your brother to pick you up.

“Uncle Buck!” the little girl shouted and sprinted down the terminal to the man in the green shirt. “Stella!” he shouted, meeting her halfway and picking her up. You made your way over to your brother, “hey birthday boy” you smile and pull him in for a hug. “Hey you, you know it’s not my birthday yet right ?”

“I know, can't I be excited ? I missed your stupid face”

“Oh thanks” he rolls his eyes playful, he’s carrying Stella with one arm and pulling a suitcase with the other. You tugged the other suitcase alone with you as the 3 of you make your way over to the car. Buck gets Stella strapped into the car suit and then gets in. Halfway through the drive, Stella falls asleep, she kept insisting on staying up the entire plane ride and kept talking about how excited she was to see her aunt and uncle. The car ride was quiet for the most part. Buck asked how your flight was, he caught you up on his life, you told him about Stella’s first day of school.

“Who’s coming tomorrow ?”

“Maddie and Chim, Hen and Karen, Bobby and Athena,”

“Bobby and Athena.. as a couple ?”

“Yeah, they got married”

“And neither of you told me?” you smacked his arm, he whined.

“Hey! I'm driving! anyways, Eddie and Chris are coming too”

That’s who you really asked the question about, you wanted to know if you’d be seeing him tomorrow.

“How’s Chris ?”

“He’s good, he’s grown up a lot since you last saw him.”

The rest of the drive was quiet, you watched as the cars passed by and you couldn't help but think what could have been if maybe things had ended differently. Buck carried a sleeping Stella up to his apartment, you followed him with the luggage. Chim opened the door, Buck went to carry Stella up to his bed so she could get a proper nap. Chim helped you with the luggage.

“Y/n! it’s so good to see you again” he hugs you, you smile. “It’s good to see you too! I missed you guys. Where's the boss lady ?” you follow Chim’s glance to the stairs, Maddie was giving Stella a kiss as Buck took her up.

“Mads!”

“Y/n!”

She came down and pulled you into a bone crushing hug, “god I missed you”

“I missed you even more”

After everyone was situated, Maddie began naming off jobs. “Chim, cake and balloons tomorrow, pick up is at 2. Y/n and I will decorate, Bobby said he’s got most of the cooking done and Athena will help him. Hen and Karen offered to get a banner, I just said yes because who doesn't love a banner?” she laughed, you, Buck and Chim exchanged glances. “And Buck, you just be ready.”

“As for right now, boys we need beer.” she said, the two of them standing there, looking at each other cluelessly.

“Go! That means go!” you say, Buck groaned and dug his keys from his pocket.

“I forgot how bossy the two of you are together” he teased, you pushed him towards the door and they headed out.

You and Maddie were sitting on the couch, planning out the last minute details. “Stella’s gotten so big” she says, flipping through the binder in front of her. “Yeah, she keeps surprising me everyday” you chuckle.

“She looks a lot like him” Maddie glances at you, the smile drops from your face and you nod.

“His twin, she acts like him too. The same pulled together emotions, she’s a fighter just like her dad”

“That’s good”

“No I mean, she really is a fighter. She hit some kid for taking her snack”

Maddie and you ended up in a laughing fit as you tell her the story. Sometime later, the sound of little feet pattering down the stairs caught your attention. “Auntie Maddie!” your daughter shouted as she straight to her aunt in the kitchen. “Hi sugarplum!” Maddie picked her up and gave her a hug. “I missed you” she says to her aunt, Maddie smiled at the little girl, “I missed you too”

Chim and Buck come in a few minutes later, you were laying on the couch watching tv and Maddie had Stella up on the counter, they were having some sort of dance party in the kitchen. “Who’s this pretty girl with you?” Chim asks Maddie as he walks over to him.

“This is Stella, my niece, she looks like me that's why she's pretty” Maddie tells him proudly, you roll your eyes at her comment and you hear Buck groan. “Shut it, you're just jealous you’re not hot like me” she gives Buck a look.

“Stella, this is my boyfriend, Chim” Stella takes a seat on the counter, looking at the man for a few seconds before saying anything. “Are you a firefighter ? Like uncle Buck?”

“I am, how’d you know?” he asks her

“Magic,” she giggles

“I might have to hire you for my next party then,” Chim jokes, “it’s very nice to meet you Stella” he lifts his hand to give her a high five, Stella pulls him into a hug instead.

The 5 of you have dinner before Maddie and Chim head out. You, Buck and Maddie were in the kitchen going over something and Chim sat with Stella on the couch. He was teaching her how to play some video game Buck left on, “uncle Chim?” the little girl called to him, he smiled at her and the fact that she called him uncle Chim.

“Yeah?”

“This game is weird” her face screws into a weird expression, Chim laughs, “it is, isn't it ? How about we go see if Buck has ice cream ?”

Before he could get up, Stella had already ran off to the kitchen, Chim trailing behind her. Stella tugged on Buck’s hand, he looked down at her, “Do you have ice cream ?”

“In the freezer, do you need help ?”

“Nope”

She let go of his hand and waddled off to get the ice cream from the freezer. You lifted her onto the counter and opened the container for her. Your back was turned for a moment to get her a bowl and a spoon, turns out she had already found a spoon and was eating straight out of the container. Sometime after that, Buck decided he was going to bed, Stella didn’t like that idea so she followed him up the stairs and began bouncing on the bed.

“Stels, come on, I'm tired” he told her, he watched the little girl bounce up and down on the bed.

“No! I'm not tired, come bounce with me!” she shouted, Buck sighed.

“5 minutes okay ?” Buck gets up on the bed with her.

You were in the kitchen with Maddie and Chim, “excuse me for a minute, let me go get her before she kills Buck with her energy” you left them in the kitchen by themselves.

Chim turns to Maddie, “Stella’s dad didn't want to come down for the party?” he sees how Maddie tenses up for a moment.

“Uh, her dad isn't really in the picture”

“Oh, does he know about her?”

“No”

The conversation drops, Maddie stands by the window and Chim makes his way over to her. “You know, she looks a lot like Eddie” he looks over at Maddie, her focus on something outside the window. “Maddie ?”

“She’s his daughter”

“He doesn’t know?”

“Y/n left LA right when his wife came back. She found out she was pregnant a few weeks later. She had me and Buck, she didn’t want to drag Eddie into it.”

“Shannon died, Maddie. She could have told him.”

“That’s exactly why she didn’t. He just lost his wife, she didn’t want to drag Stella into a messy relationship, Eddie needed time and she gave that to him.”

“Do you know if she’s going to tell him ?”

“I don't know, but that’s not our decision to make. What you heard here, stays here. Promise me that” she looks over at Chim, she loved that man with her whole heart but he wasn’t exactly the best at keeping secrets.

“I promise”

Turns out you can plan a party in a week.

Everyone had arrived at Buck’s place, everyone was scattered around the apartment. Bobby and Athena in the kitchen with Karen and Maddie, Chim and Hen were by the tv with the kids, Buck was still upstairs trying to find something to wear. Stella ran over to you as you came back down from the kitchen. “Mom, look!” she pointed at the cake that was on the table, “I see it sweetie”

“Can I have some pleaseeeee?” she looked up at you, “a little later, you gotta let Buck blow out the candles first okay ?”

She ran off to go play with Nia and Denny. Someone knocked on the door but no one else seemed to hear it, you walked over and opened the door.

There he was.

“Y/n!” Chris wrapped his arms around your waist, you leaned down slightly and hugged him. “hey buddy, how are you ?”

“I’m good, I missed you”

“Awh, I missed you too”

You could feel Eddie’s eyes burning into you as you and Chris walked into the apartment, he followed the two of you. Stella came running back over to you. “Stella come meet someone” you called to her, she stood beside you, looking up at Chris.

“Who’s that momma?”

“Chris is uncle Buck’s friend’s son, now you play nice okay ? I don't want trouble”

“I'm Stella!”

“I’m Christopher!”

You crouch down beside her and point to Eddie, “that’s Christopher’s dad, Eddie, why don’t you say hi?” Stella marched up to him, she leaned her head back and looked up at him. “Hi!” she smiled at him, Eddie looked down at the little girl in front of him, she had to be around 3 or 4, she had brown hair and the same smile he did. Eddie glanced at you and then back to Stella and once at Chris.

That couldn’t be a coincidence.

“Hi Stella, I'm Eddie” he smiled at her, she gave him another smile and made her way over to Chris. She began telling him about the plane she took to come see her aunt and uncle, the two of them walk over to Nia and Denny together.

Standing up, you and Eddie are now looking at each other. “Hi” he steps closer to you, you don't move. “Hey” you move slightly closer to him.

“How have you been ?”

“Good, you ?”

“I’m okay, can't complain”

“You never do. Want a beer ?”

“Sure”

Eddie follows you to the kitchen, you pull 2 beers out of the fridge, handing one to him and opening the other for yourself. Standing across from him, he asked you “how old is she ?”

“4″

“How come you never told me you had a baby ?”

“We stopped talking after I left, I wasn’t going to call just to tell you that. I figured Buck would have told you.”

“He didn’t”

Right on cue, the birthday boy came down the stairs. “Wow all of you are here for me ? I must be so special”

“You know you are” Maddie pokes his cheek. Buck went around to say hello to everyone, he started with Eddie. You took that time to leave the very awkward conversation you were having with him and made your way to the kids.

Chim dropped the bottle in the trash and headed to the fridge for another one, the party was well underway and everyone was having a good time. Well, expect for Eddie. He couldn't shake the fact that Stella looked so much like him. “You want another one?” Chim asked him, setting the bottle beside him on the counter. “Yeah, thanks”

The two men stood in the kitchen, chatting about work and just catching up. Chim had a slight buzz going and he kind of let the secret he wasn’t supposed to tell, slip.

“How’s your kid?” he leans back against the counter, looking at Eddie.

“Chris ? He’s good”

Chim shook his head, “no no, Stella”

The bottle nearly fell from Eddie’s hand, he looked at Chim. “What do you mean Stella ?”

Chim realized what he said, he turned the other way and began walking. “Chim!” Eddie grabbed his arm, “what do you mean Stella ?”

“I've already said too m- oh Maddie’s calling for me, bye” Chim walked off and left Eddie standing in the kitchen by himself. Eddie looked over at the little girl sitting beside Christopher, she looked like him, there was no denying it. She had his smile, the same brown hair, she even had the same hazel brown eyes. You were walking into the kitchen when Eddie grabbed your arm.

“What ?” you look at him.

“I need to talk to you”

“Let go of my arm and maybe we can talk” you push his hand off of your arm. Buck made his way over to the kitchen, he could feel the tension. “Is everything okay ?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine Buck, Eddie’s just gonna come with me to get the candles from the jeep, right, Eddie ?”

“Yeah, we’ll be back in a few”

The two of you stepped out of the apartment and walked down to the parking lot. You did forget the candles in the jeep so it wasn’t a total lie. “Is she mine?” Eddie blurts out, you turn to face him. “Is who yours?”

“Stella. Is Stella my daughter ?”

“How’d you-”

“Chim let it slip”

You groaned, Maddie must have told him. It wasn’t a big deal that she told him, it was a big deal that Eddie knew.

“She is.”

“Why didn't you tell me?”

“It didn't make sense too”

“Y/n, she’s my daughter! of course it makes sense to tell me!”

“You had just gotten back with Shannon, I didn't want to drag you back into something you didn't want. I’ve raised her for the last 4 years and I'll continue to do so, it doesn’t have to change now because you know she’s yours.”

“Shannon’s- she’s dead.”

“I know, Buck told me, I'm sorry.”

Eddie let out a sigh, his hand ran through his hair. You stood in front of him, the two of you in the blistering heat, having a conversation you never planned on having.

“She wouldn't have stopped me from being in Stella’s life”

“I know.”

“Why didn't you tell me?”

“Eddie, you had just lost your wife when Stella was born. It didn’t seem like the right time to come to LA and tell you I had a baby, your baby.”

“What about after that ? It's been 4 years y/n”

“Eddie, come on. Would it have made a difference ? It wouldn't have fixed anything. I would have still just been some girl you slept with.”

Eddie looks at you, his expression softened, “is that what you think ? that you're “just some girl” I slept with ?”

You didn't answer him, you didn't have an answer for him. There were so many times you had wanted to call Eddie and tell him about Stella. When she said her first word, took her first steps, her first day of school. You wanted to share all those times with him, like a normal family.

“Y/n,” Eddie stepped towards you. “You were more than just some girl. You always said that Chris deserved to have both of his parents right ? And he did but what about Stella ? Doesn't she deserve that too ?” Eddie’s arms wrap around you, your hands on his chest.

“She does,” you sigh, “I can't just tell her your uncle’s friend is your dad, Eddie.”

“So we’ll take it one day at a time. I want to get to know her, and you. I want you back in my life, in our lives.”

“Eddie, I have a life, a job, Stella has school. We can't just leave everything.”

“As I said, one day at a time. I want this to work, don't you ?”

“I do”

“How about we get lunch ? Or dinner? The 4 of us. If you feel like this is something you want to do, you want us to try and make things work, for the kids, we can. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Eddie pulled you into a hug, things felt at ease for once, like a weight was lifted off your shoulders, you weren't carrying a secret anymore. You never meant to give in so easily but Eddie had this hold over you, one you couldn't shake, regardless of how much time you spent apart. You ended things because of what happened between him and Shannon in a parking lot and here you were, making up with him in a parking lot.

Talk about full circle.

---

taglist: @mikaelson-emma @ssa-volturi @advicefromnixxxx @keenmarvellover @venusrosepetal

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okaybutlikeimagine · 3 years ago

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A Father’s Day Triptych

TW: past/referenced child abuse, emotional hurt/comfort, child neglect

(you can find it on AO3 here ♥)

Father’s day in the Hargrove household was always pulled taut with expectations of kindness and submission hanging over Billy’s head.

They didn’t always used to be that way. When he was a kid, Father’s days felt like a reprieve rather than a burden. Billy and his mom would prepare special things- a nice card that would make him laugh, those new fishing poles he’d been eyeing in the big sporting store a town over, a pretty cake with fresh fruit on top from the grocer down the way. His mother went all out. She’d get Billy all excited for it too. The strenuous relationships were softened for a day where they did everything they could to make him happy.

They really did… everything they could just to make him happy. Sometimes Billy still wonders why it had to take so much.

Around Father’s day, his mother would use all her spending money to make his father smile. It usually worked. And for that day, it was so good. It could hardly get better. Grilling and watching stupid baseball games Billy never cared about but would pretend to be interested in, just for him. Fake smiles almost became real. Hot dogs and hamburgers and watermelon always tasted better on those days when his father would put his arm around Billy amicably- when he would laugh at the card and compliment how Billy’s penmanship was getting better every year.

The year that she left was the worst.

The year that she left Billy stopped getting an allowance. He had no money to soften the edges of his father with fresh cakes and fancy presents. He panicked. He stole a stupid fishing keychain from a store and made a card from his school notebook paper. He presented them with shaking hands to his father who seemed glued to the couch, eyes bloodshot, surrounded by beer cans, baseball game so loud Billy’s ears felt sore.

He got a grunt and a lazy eye roll in response. A slurred groan of “your writing is sloppy”. A quieter admission of regret.

He got resentment. Billy was 9 and he knew it was resentment towards his very existence. He slid away to his room. There was no dinner to eat that night as his father passed out on the couch with the TV still on far too loud.

When Susan and Max came into the picture, Billy miraculously found a reason to be happy for it. Suddenly there was pressure taken off of him. He let Max know it too, as Susan encouraged them to go out and “at least get him a card”. They’d lazily look through all the forcibly funny and generic pieces of paper. Max was nervous that first year.

“It’s whatever.” Billy had grunted, looking through ugly green cards with stupid phrases on them. “She’s gonna bang him tonight, he won’t care about a dumb card.”

“Ew.” Max had whined, covering her ears and pouting. Billy couldn’t find it in himself to care.

It was never fun. Billy felt like he was on a leash all day long, obligated to do everything he could for his father just to keep him civil. Susan made a steak, the kids handed over the card, his father remarked how his penmanship was the mark of someone lazy and sloppy (no matter how hard Billy would try to make it as neat as he possibly could), and the day would end. And he could stop thinking about how this man still had a hand in his life.

…

Father’s day in the Hopper household was always bumbling and awkward.

By the time that first one came around, Billy was just beginning to feel less like a burden to the house and more like an addition. He’d found comfort in the space they all shared. They had a sort of routine set between all of them. There was still no second bed for Billy, so he still felt like he was imposing when Hop slept on the couch, but it was a sort of pull out couch by that point and Hop insisted and Billy decided not to pay it too much mind.

And that first Father’s day was just… awkward. Billy had completely forgotten the date- summer had just started for him and days were rolling by in hot and languid and lazy moments of feeling out every new situation. He had just started getting really serious with Steve. Not just touching for the sake of getting off but really starting to need and want each other in ways that scared him. In ways that made him want to keep things how they were- ways that made him scared to change a thing. It was a new and alien feeling for him.

El had inadvertently learned about Father’s day from Mike when he briefly groaned about dinner plans his family had. Billy found that out from El on their drive to the store to pick something up for Hop. She had to convince Billy it was a thing they should do, because Hopper was their father. He did fatherly things for them. He took them in and gave them a roof and food and asked how their days were and wished them goodnight and good morning, however groggily. He made stupid jokes that made them moan and he danced horribly to the old records he kept on their dusty shelf and he was horrible with laundry and he whistled as he did dishes.

He introduced Billy proudly in the grocery store once. It was the weekend after Billy had a really good basketball game that Hop had decided to attend. Hop bragged about it to some friend of his. Billy flushed red and elbowed him and tried his best to escape.

He thought about it every single day.

Billy and El bought a large cheesy balloon, ingredients to make a nice lasagna dinner, and a green and white cake from the bakery. The balloon was more for El. The lasagna was a little burnt. Hop was too nice to say he’d have preferred pie to cake, but he ate it anyway as they sat around the TV and watched whatever program was on. Billy only remembered as he fell slowly into sleep that night. He jolted awake quickly, remembering a sort of far off conversation months ago where Hop had proclaimed confidently that pie was the superior dessert of anything else- yes, even Eggo's with whipped cream and sprinkles. How he admitted cake was never his favorite.

Billy felt shame overcome him as he remembered, pushing himself out of bed and turning to the sofa with the immediate want to apologize for it. He wasn’t sure what came over him.

But instead of sending pleading apologies into the darkness, he just looked towards the sofa with a heavily beating heart and let his eyes adjust. And he thought about all that man had done for the two of them. Thought about how he took in these two stray kids. Thought about how he knew Hop was getting flack for it, because Billy heard the whispers and the snickers and the sneers about Hop running a dog pound. Thought about how he gave up his probably comfier trailer for the rundown cabin, gave up the main bedroom for the dusty spare bed, gave up the dusty spare bed for the couch, gave up parts of his sanity probably…

Billy didn’t wanna apologize anymore. He just whispered a thanks, even though it was hard to push up through his throat and would fall onto sleeping ears.

The Father’s days after that first one got better. They got Joyce, and along with her 2 boys that had their own rocky past with fathers and celebrations of them. Just four kids who feared and resented father figures. It ended up being better than Billy could imagine. It was never quite as awkward as that first Father’s day, but never quite comfortable either. That being said, it was never a bad day. The bar was low, but that didn’t matter. Billy found appreciation for the general ease all the same.

…

Father’s day in the Hargrove-Harrington-”whatever we’re together now and that’s what’s most important” household is filled with guilt and feelings of imposter syndrome.

They don’t celebrate it the first two or so years after they’ve adopted their first child. He’s just a toddler, he doesn’t quite understand yet what it is. And they… they’re still struggling with what it means to be fathers. They’re confident in their rights but they’re not immune to the judgmental voices, always eyeing them oddly when they’re out together with their boy or asking after the mother when they’re out separately. Always looking a little judgmental or harsh when they have to explain why the kid doesn’t look like them- whoever is with him at the time. Or getting looks of pity when the people clearly begin to assume it’s because they couldn’t get pregnant with whatever wife must be at home.

It’s hard to hear. It makes them question everything. If their boy doesn’t know what he’s missing, then there’s no need to explain.

Billy calls Hopper and feels his heart lurch when Hop and Joyce wish him and Steve a happy father’s day. They do it with joy and certainty. As if it belongs to them, too. Billy hangs up the phone and lays in bed for at least half an hour. Steve can’t get through to him.

It’s an odd feeling. A rough feeling. When they adopt their second child, a girl of 9 years old, they know they’re going to have to confront it. Their son begins school that year too. They find out about the day from their friends and television ads and store windows. The children are timid with them- they were adopted as supposed “problem children” from rough homes and tumultuous pasts. Billy and Steve don’t expect anything of them but they’re still not sure how to explain that. They figure ignoring is easier than explaining. Maybe it’ll make it go away.

It doesn’t work well.

And Billy… Billy’s just struggling being a dad. He couldn’t explain the job if he tried. He helps make lunches, he gives timeouts, he buys and subsequently sneaks himself some silly little snack foods when he’s hungry and busy and doesn’t have time to do more than rip open a pouch. He deals with tantrums over vegetables and he wipes mouths with napkins and he sings lullabies in the wrong key and he reads bedtime stories until he himself dozes off in the tiny bed with a small head on his chest and drool pooling onto his shirt.

He’s trying. He gets frustrated at stores. He gets a little hot headed, a little loud. His heart breaks when they cry. He’s straddling the line between being a pushover and a hard-ass. He lays awake at night, staring at the ceiling, dreading ever becoming like Neil. He asks Steve, in the stillness of the night when the darkness acts as the weight of every horrible outcome imaginable, if he’ll follow Neil’s wretched footsteps.

“You’ll never be like him, Billy.”

“How do you know? What if it’s inside me already.”

“It’s not.”

“Maybe it is… maybe I won’t be able to help it.”

He stresses and he struggles and he wants to rip his hair out.

But that first father’s day comes around with their new daughter and newly knowledgeable son. And the two children blunder around the kitchen while their two dads are asleep. And then they wake the two parents up, both teary eyed and breathing heavy, faces full of apology and sorrow, asking for help to clean up the mess.

And Billy and Steve find the kitchen a single step back from full on disaster. There’s juice all over the counter and dripping onto the floor, the cereal box is all soggy from it, the toaster is smoking, a plate is broken on the ground, the fridge is still open. Their daughter pulls on Billy’s pajama pants and holds out her finger that’s bleeding. He gets out of her that she somehow managed to cut it on the butter knife she was using to cut up some fruit.

Steve gets busy cleaning things up. He asks their son to help do smaller things like close the fridge and grab some towels.

Billy takes his daughter’s small soft hand into his large, rough one and plants a kiss on it. It sends something like pure love surging through his heart. He guides her to the bathroom to put a bandaid on it and asks if she’s okay.

“Mmhm.” She nods and his heart softens. She sniffles. “M’sorry. We wanted… wanted to make breakfast and w-wanted to do something nice.”

She sounds like the weight of the world is on her small shoulders. Billy sees himself at 9 years old, doing his damnedest to get anything close to a damn smile out of his father while he sat unresponsive and unamused on the couch.

His heart yearns. It breaks and it pulls and it screams and it shouts. He pulls her in close and hugs her tight and tries to find the right words. Tries to tell her it’s made his entire year. It’s made him feel validated and happy and worth it, like all of that stress is worth it just to know that these two children got up early as hell on a Sunday morning just to surprise their fathers. Just to surprise the two of them. Just to say they thought of them, wanted to give them something, wanted to make them feel special.

“It was nice.” Is all he can croak out through his froggy throat.

“It’s a mess.” She sobs, but he just grips her arms tighter.

“It was wonderful.” He says and he’s crying too. He can’t get the tears to stop. He’s kneeling on the bathroom ground, the two of them crying to each other.

And Billy swears he’ll never get good at the father thing. He has talks with Hop about it, when he’s feeling vulnerable and Hopper’s able to get it out of him. By this point they’ve adopted another child- an older boy, a teenager. He’s rough and he’s jaded. He listens to loud, angry music. He kind of picks on the other two kids, even though he’d jump in front of a bus for either one of them. Hop asks how he likes it.

“He’s a lot like you were, y’know.” Hop tells Billy, who still doesn’t really see it.

Steve doesn’t have as much of a problem with the boy as Billy does. Billy and him just never seem to see eye to eye.

“It’s because you’re the same people.” Hop insists. Steve agrees. Joyce affirms with pity. “You clash.”

They clash hard. They get into yelling matches. Billy never puts a hand on him, but the arguments aren’t exactly great. Billy cries to Steve at night, fear shaking him down to his core, still able to see and hear himself yelling at that boy who fights tooth and nail back with him.

“You’re not a bad person, Billy.”

“Why do I do that shit?” He asks, knowing full well no one but him could ever really know.

It’s not like it’s anything too vitriolic. It’s not like it’s anything really poisonous.

It’s over the fact that he stays out too late at night, and Billy gets worried. It’s the fact that Billy found cigarettes in his room and he knows the bad effects of cigarettes. It’s the fact that he pushed his little brother one day and made him scrape his knee and he needed to learn some boundaries. It’s the fact that he lied about his grades when Billy felt they gave him no reason to do such a thing.

It’s fatherly things. That’s what Hop assures him as Billy cries on the phone with him.

“It’s things I would have done with you.”

Billy never ever knows what to make of that. What to make of what he’d be like now if Hop was his father from the start. If Hop was there from the beginning. If Neil hadn’t made him a monster in his own image.

Billy does his best to get through to him. Get through to his son now because he’s his son now.

Billy feels like the worst, most undeserving father.

As the kids have gotten older, they learned better ways to celebrate father’s day. They learn breakfast in bed isn’t really what the two of them would prefer- a nice lunch and getting to spend some time with them sounds better. A homemade card always goes on the mantle or the fridge with the rest of the collection. A few hugs because those are like treasured gifts in this house with kids who have a history of boundary and trust issues with parental figures.

The older son catches Billy alone in the kitchen.

“Hey.”

“Hi.” Billy replies awkwardly back. The silence is jarring.

“I uh… uhm.” He’s struggling. Billy wants to do something more than just stand here, but he’s not sure what. He doesn’t want to push anything too far. He wants to be good at this.

The boy puts a small, wrapped box on the counter with an envelope underneath and slides it over.

“Happy Father's day.” He mumbles, suddenly fidgeting.

Billy stares at them.

“You didn’t have to.”

“I wanted to.”

There’s another pause, heavy with all the weight and worry in Billy’s heart. He reaches for the box, rips the paper open easily, lifts up the lid.

“It’s uh… it’s just a couple tapes of some of those… bands you like. And talk about. All the time.” The boy snickers, but it catches in his throat. He’s so nervous. “My friend’s family was getting rid of a bunch of their tapes and I know you’ve got your old tape player still so… uh… yeah.”

It’s a mixed bag of absolute classics. Some tapes he used to have, others he’s always wanted. Zeppelin, Ted Nugent, Def Leppard, Billy Idol, AC/DC, Alice Cooper… his heart skips. He lost a lot of his tapes after all the sudden moves he’s had to make. His eyes start to well.

“I… I don’t know what to say.” Billy pushes out on a whisper.

“Are they any good?”

“They’re… they’re awesome, kid.”

“There’s a card too y’know.” The boy adds, still shuffling nervously.

Billy slips it out from under the box, pulling his finger underneath the flap to open it.

It’s… it’s ridiculous. It’s one of the cheesiest cards Billy’s ever seen. He thinks back to all the stupid, jokey cards he used to pick out with his mother. The joke inside actually makes him laugh, loud and bright.

There’s words written underneath, quite a few scribbled out and then-

Sorry for all the trouble. I think I just don’t like knowing you’re right sometimes… but thank you for everything.

The words are nearly chicken scratch- wobbly letters clearly written with a nervous and shaky hand. The boy is damn near bouncing now, damn near trying to crawl out of his skin with nerves.

It’s the best, prettiest, most wonderful chicken scratch handwriting Billy has ever seen. He can barely see it now through his misty eyes.

“Your… handwriting is really nice.”

The boy scoffs loudly.

“Uh, thanks?” He sounds like he doesn’t believe it. Still, Billy could swear he sees the boy preen, just a little.

“Thank you.” Billy says, fighting back tears, trying like hell to hold himself together. “I’m sorry, too. I don’t… I don’t have to yell at you so much. At all. I’m sorry about it.”

The boy is just staring at him, eyes a little wide and a little shocked. Billy feels his heart lurch. He just wants to be fucking good at this.

“I’m gonna do better.” Billy asserts through a not-so-wobbly-anymore voice

The boy gives a small smile that grows a bit wider. If Billy isn’t absolutely crazy yet, he’d say that the boy’s eyes are getting a bit misty too.

“So are those tapes actually good?” The boy asks, clearing his throat and trying to seem casual. Billy sees more and more of himself in him.

“Hell yeah… do you think I’d have bad taste?”

His son cackles just a bit, rolling his eyes.

“Yeah, alright then. Whatever you say.”

There’s a pause. Billy takes the card and tucks it back into the envelope to save for himself- to put in a special place in his and Steve’s room. He then busies himself with shuffling through his tapes before his son says-

“We can… listen to some of them. If you want.”

Billy’s eyes shine with excitement and appreciation.

Listening to the tapes together is wonderful. They rib each other about what songs are better, what voices do and don’t sound the same, what the lyrics are like. They learn more about each other and maybe Billy is finally forced to admit that they’re a lot more alike than he realized.

And Billy starts to feel that maybe… maybe he can finally define what a father really means to him. And father’s days start to feel a bit more like they belong to him, too.

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love-takes-work · 5 years ago

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When someone toxic needs a friend

I just wanna add a little personal reflection to the discussion of Spinel’s treatment in Steven Universe: The Movie.

A few signposts so you know where I’m starting with this:

A criticism I’ve seen:

Steven was not particularly warm to Spinel. He did not hug her. He did not offer to be her friend. He spoke carelessly and triggered her toward becoming murderous again. He only cared about what she could do for him.

A perspective I’ve seen:

LOTS of people with borderline personality disorder or strong feelings about abandonment personally relate to Spinel and are critical of Steven from this perspective.

Rebecca Sugar’s commentary on Spinel:

The thing about Spinel is that she’s a really toxic person.

She’s so toxic that she’s literally trying to poison people.

In my interactions with friends who have had a history difficult enough to make it hard for them to trust other people and sometimes even actively want to hurt others, it’s just a very difficult situation to navigate. In the case of Spinel and all of these characters, that’s extremely exaggerated because cartoons have the ability to be extreme exaggerations. I wanted to explore what it’s like when you’re trying to help someone who really doesn’t want to help themselves, who wants to embody the negative feelings that they have about themselves. I think that’s something really real. I hadn’t seen that in a cartoon before.

Spinel, unlike many other characters, actually has the goal of hurting people, which is new territory for the show. She really wants to hurt Steven, and there’s a reason that she does—because she’s in so much pain. I just wanted to explore all the dimensions of that.

I also think Steven has his way of trying to handle and dissolve conflict. It’s not necessarily a good way for him to handle this situation. It really leaves him in a difficult state, and I think what I wanted to show in the way that they interact is that at a certain point, when you can’t help someone, you have to be able to protect yourself.

Ultimately, he can’t really convince her to change. It’s something she’ll have to want for herself. But what he can do is protect himself from her, making it impossible for her to hurt him.

It’s sort of up to you if you would like to love her. If you watch this movie and she, you know, frustrates you, that is totally fair. I want that to be a big part of who she is.

[From the AV Club interview]

So here are a few things I want to shed light on.

It’s very interesting that Rebecca intended Spinel to be read as “a toxic person” because so many fans fell in love with her, said they’d be her friend, hated intensely on Pink Diamond because of what she did to abandon the poor Gem, and sympathized with her directly. But Rebecca was looking at Spinel from Steven’s perspective. And that’s also what I did.

I’ve been Steven. I have VERY much been Steven.

When you meet someone who was done dirty, when you recognize the horror they’ve been through, when you see how much pain they are in and agree they have the right to be angry, it’s natural for empathetic people to offer themselves as comfort.

But when you’re Steven, you also know it isn’t YOUR fault either. Before you have the ability and experience to set boundaries, you can get sucked into other people’s stormy waters and think you’re helping if you drown in solidarity with them. What’s really important to preserving yourself is learning that you can stand on the boat and toss a life preserver. That it doesn’t ACTUALLY HELP to jump in the water and sink with them.

Some folks are angry that Steven didn’t jump right into sacrifice himself on the altar of friendship in the service of an intense, literally murderous stranger who tried to poison him and his planet and lash out at his friends, robbing them of their rich pasts and their relationships because all of it hurt HER so much. It is SO easy to understand WHY SPINEL WAS ANGRY. But nothing she was doing to Steven, his friends, or the Earth was going to fix her problems, and furthermore, she FULLY UNDERSTOOD that it was NOT THE FAULT of any of the people she took her anger out on. It was irrational, yes, and that is part of her dysfunction. But also, in these situations, what helps explain it still does not excuse it.

Some have railed at Steven saying he somehow forgave genocidal tyrants like the Diamonds but couldn’t be friends with a damaged Gem like Spinel who just wanted friendship. The big difference there is that Steven got involved with the Diamonds when both parties believed he was a different person. The Diamonds believed he was the lost Pink Diamond, and Steven has also spent much of his superhero life believing he WAS his mother and was therefore obligated to accept punishment for her crimes or to clean up the messes she made. Now that he knows he is not her and that she did some pretty horrible stuff, he also wants the right to stop feeling responsible for every person Pink hurt in the entire region of space.

Steven gave Spinel basically compassionate treatment. He did not abuse her. He did not insult her. He occasionally coddled her when it seemed important (and though some said he was too businesslike while he pursued his mission, he was literally looking at the world ending within two days if he didn’t solve the problem). And most importantly . . . .

He let her leave the garden.

Spinel stayed in the garden all those millennia because Pink Diamond told her they were playing a game. All that time, she had visions of Pink returning so she could see her smile, hear her laughter. We see a sequence where she tried to follow Pink out of the garden and Pink manipulated her into staying willingly. We watch those feet leaving and one pair of feet staying behind. We see Pink disappear.

When Steven goes to leave the garden, Spinel follows in the same manner. Some have criticized him for letting go of her hands.

But he invited her out of the garden. He didn’t say stay. He said come with me.

As he sang about her deserving someone better, he was sincere. But he did not say the person to make her feel found should be him. He did not want to take on another person with thousands of years of baggage who would require a specific brand of attention and so much tenderness to avoid snapping. He did not allow her to be held by the hand and led out. He recognized that she needed encouragement to leave this place because of what was done to her, but he wanted her to take the steps.

Compassionate people are crushed all the time under the weight of needy people who make it hurt to love. People like Steven can acknowledge that Spinel deserves love and deserves to be happy without accepting that it’s heartless to stop short of personally doing it. Especially when you literally have to take physical, mental, and emotional damage as a general consequence of offering support and counseling. It is sometimes just beyond what you can do.

I made the mistake several times of getting very close to someone who treated me poorly while taking comfort in my presence. I cared that they were hurt and I didn’t know how to say “You deserve love” without stepping in and loving them. In EVERY case I was involved with, the person went from initially grateful to “why don’t you help me more?” shockingly quickly, and two of them deliberately tried to create situations where I would be trapped with them and isolated from others.

I could get very personal here but I don’t think I need to. Those of us who relate all too well to Steven wanting to help others will have been in this situation. Your heart hurts for people who live with pain that has never touched you, but when they’ve made it clear with one of their first actions that they feel satisfied at the idea of ruining your life, trusting them could mean the end of you. Especially if they demand that you risk life and limb to fix and save them before you’d dare to call it love, and especially if they want to be fixed without feeling responsible for initiating any of it. Some people mistake suffering for working hard toward a goal. Both can hurt but only one is constructive. If I’m expected to spend extensive resources on someone, I need some partnership in the goal, and I can’t accomplish that with someone whose wish for companionship manifests as “I want you to feel as bad as I do, and will take steps to hurt you so I have someone to cry with.”

Steven risked his actual life while he didn’t have powers so he could go talk to Spinel, and he wouldn’t fight her when she wanted to fight. He protected himself while she spent her anger. He STILL put himself in the line of fire far more than a less compassionate person would. He took time and tenderness to listen to her story and sympathize with her, tell her she deserved better, bear witness to what she’d become after being treated like a discarded plaything, and bring her hope with promises of a new future and a way to feel found.

Sadly, Spinel flipped back to being murderous at the first sign that Steven might be about to prioritize someone other than her, reframing his reasonable needs as if he was planning to abandon her, isolate her, discard her. This was a trauma reaction, yes, and she isn’t entirely to blame for being upset because she was worried she was just being used and none of her actions were logically thought through.

But does someone ever “deserve” the friendship of a specific person who can’t feel warm toward them because of their OWN bad experiences?

No!

Steven has a big heart but he has his very own huge storehouse of trauma, and being physically attacked with his family and planet put in danger over the actions of his mother is at the top of the list. Instead of assuming that the person who has trauma the loudest is the most hurt, can’t we just acknowledge that Spinel’s and Steven’s respective traumas make them NOT the best match for friendship?

The ending of the movie, with Spinel going off with the Diamonds, might seem a little disturbing with all the codepencency floating around there, but if you want to talk about compassion, I think this is a good place for Spinel to start.

She just wanted to make Pink Diamond laugh and enjoy her life. She longed to do that for so long and then it all ended when she found out she would NEVER GET TO DO IT. I think bonding with the other Diamonds and having a familiar, safe place to experience the kind of love she’s used to will be a good FOUNDATION for building herself into a person beyond that. For now, she needs comfort. I hope they treat her well.

#steven universe #steven universe the movie #gif #long post #spinel #su analysis #my su analysis #myblog

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oskarwing · 3 years ago

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I really wanna talk about the parent child relationships in Midnight Mass

I’m not sure if I’m good at writing this sorta Meta but here goes nothing. Very many spoilers follow.

Let’s start with the adults:

First we have Erin who suffered so much at the hands of her mother and later because of her mother’s abuse. We don’t get much detailed info on Peggy Greene but from what we can gather she was a lot like Beverly Keane, who seemed to idolize her (though that probably got easier for her after Peggy was gone), in her self-righteous over-pious manner. She just happened to be Beverly with an alcohol problem and a daughter who she could take all her anger at life for not working out her way for God loving her just the same as everybody else out. The dove scene is really such a good scene. But Erin was stronger than her mother, stronger than the abuse that was about to repeat itself and when she found out that she would have a child of her own she left and tried her best to give her kid a better life than the one she had. And she found the strength I think with the help of the same God her mother most likely used as legitimation for her abuse (don’t get me wrong I believe it was Erin’s own strength but she also clearly found something in religion that helped her gather it) and it helped her to carve out a path for herself and her unborn child.

Sarah’s relationship to her parents is such an interesting one because we get to see the end of it. The man who she believed to be her father has been dead for a long while and her mother is suffering through the late stages of dementia. And Sarah showed up for it. As a doctor she most likely knew what would be happening as soon as Mildred started to show the first symptombs but she wasn’t going to leave her mother. That kind of care for an elderly parent shows something that is proven in Mildred’s character time and time again: She is a very devoted parent and the love between mother and daughter flows both ways in every scene they are in together, after the birth of her daughter her world turned around Sarah and she loved her with all she had. There are a few scenes that show that Mildred’s understanding of the duty she felt towards her family came from the old values of her time. She wouldn’t have taken off with John and their child not for a lack of love but because in those times, in catholism still at least where I’m from, you can’t just marry a priest. You can’t just have a child with a priest eventhough you’re married and then fuck off with him. As a woman, as a wife and mother you have to stand with your husband, stand with your child and you have to stop running after fantasies I’m sure Mildred had. I’m saying this all from her perspective btw, I don’t necessarily think running away with John, in the way he wished to, would have been good for Sarah but honesty might have been and her old fashioned values were also what kept her from being truly honest with her daughter. To John on the other hand Sarah is a fantasy, a dream he couldn’t reach. His daughter, his baby, so close and yet so far away getting to watch her grow into an adult but never being able to really be her father as in her Dad instead of her priest. And it’s painful to him, he clearly loved Mildred, loved Sarah but he was also kinda selfish in his love that in the end took Sarah away. At first he isolated his child by starring at her giving her the creeps and the feeling that she had done something wrong that he knew she was gay and dissaproved and then he took it upon himself to ‘cure’ Mildred in the same way he was. Sarah wanted to take care of her mother wanted to be there for her in those final months and John decided it was up to him to give Mildred a youth potion to make it so she’d never die. And with that he took away from Sarah what is without doubt a hard but for many people a very important last part of the relationship between child and parent. John was a complicated man and would maybe have been a great Dad he certainly showed a lot of fatherly love for his altar boys but he couldn’t have the family in the way he fantasized about and in the end it was that fantasy that made him act the way he did.

Riley Flynn causes his parents a lot of pain. Him killing that girl in the beginning, his alcoholism, him simply not liking the place, the home they build for themselves through hard work causes the Annie and Ed so much pain and financial loss and you can see how tired they are, how much guilt they feel for failing their son. Ed calls out his own guilt and says that he doesn’t belive it could be Annie’s fault because ‘your mother’s a saint’ but what I truly love about Annie and Ed Flynn is that they both aren’t saints. As a mother Annie is very much overprotective and suffocating, wanting to keep her children on crocket island and hating the notion that they might leave her, even though she is kind and sweet and loving. And while Ed seems rather checked out as a father but he is the more honest parent, never talking down to Riley and telling him as it is, telling him about the pain he caused him while also admitting to the guilt he feels. The Flynns are flawed people even in their religious practice (I think the way Annie speaks about Ali showing up at church when Hassan seemed to be nothing but nice to her spoke very loudly to the fact that Annie is rather misguided sometimes) but they are good people at the core of it and their parenting might have been part of Riley’s way into alcoholism but it wasn’t only them. There were things they couldn’t change and things they had no influence over like his heart being broken by Erin running away, the sort of people he went out on parties with and so many other things... Yes, they may have shaped their son in a way that made him vulnerable to addiction and the party scene of the stock and tech market and brought him to the point where he killed a child but it doesn’t happen through parenting alone and they also shaped him in the good ways. Him not losing himself when Pruitt changes him, him being brave enough to warn Erin, him standing up for what he believes in those things were also shaped by Ed and Annie. They are one of the best example of flawed but good hearted Christians I have seen in recent media and their portrayal was one of the most heartbreaking ones.

Now the kids:

Let’s start with Leeza. Little Leeza Scarborough who before it comes to her wonder gets treated with pity and overprotectiveness from her parents and the island community at large. Leeza was injured by Joe Collie transforming him into the island’s villain and her into the ever present victim. What happened to her is without a doubt horrible and I understand why Wade and Dolly started to become these overprotective parents, why they were so easily sucked in to John’s and Bev’s scheme. Their little girl was almost taken from them eventhough Wade is the mayor, one of the most powerful people on the island he had no influence over what happened to Leeza even was the one who took her out that day and what followed the accident was as we can gather from their conversation with Sarah a lot of pain and financial burden though they say they would have done it all over for Leeza. In fact a lot of places in crockett island are wheelchair accesible and I am sure that Wade as mayor made it so (I can’t really imagine that a small place like the island was very inclusive though I may be wrong). After Leeza is healed they don’t want to question in don’t want to think about what might have been the cause for it. In fact they stop questioning anything after that point, after Leeza walks again they are completely vulnerable to Bev’s manipulation and them letting that happen, them just going along with everything, Wade protecting John after he kills Joe long after Leeza forgave him and with her forgiveness send Joe on a better path is what in the end makes them lose her. Because Leeza isn’t that little victim who needs pity and help, she is a strong minded, strong willed young woman with a lot of wit who similar to Erin finds strength in her faith but in a way that isn’t devotion without question and when the Easter vigil is held she doesn’t follow her parents eventhough she loves them deeply. She forgives them I think, because that’s what Leeza’s character is about in it’s core but her parents were two of the instigators behind what happened on the island, without Wade’s protection John and Bev couldn’t have come as far as they did and they put their trust in them because they loved their daughter so much they didn’t stop to question if maybe what made Leeza walk again was also a bad thing.

Ali and Hassan don’t have it easy and I as a white person really can’t speak much on the racism and religious discrimination they face. I can say this I think: The first line spoken about Ali before we even really get to look at him is “You didn’t invite Aladin” and already sets us up for what both of them know: They are the outsiders. Not only because they just moved to the island but also because in their faith they are different from their peers and religion can often be a community building event for people before it is anything else. Ali starts balming his father a little for that, for not trying to fit in more with the community, for moving after his mother’s death and then not trying to be closer to the people around them and for the pain all the pain the two of them went through before Crockett island. It isn’t oly peer pressure though of course that brings Ali to St Patrick’s. Sure, Ali wanted to be part of the community but also desperately wanted to believe that there was a devine power who could if he just did it (it meaning faith) the right way he might find a way to avoid the pain of his parents. Hassan knew that and he warned him that that wasn’t how it worked. Hassan was a protective Dad and maybe he overdid it from time to time but his worries were never without reason, his need to keep his son safe from a world that hated him for a crime that happened when he wasn’t even born yet never unfounded and him wanting to make sure his kid kept the memory of his mother alive never anything but the wish of a griefing man and loving father. In the end when they pray together there is peace in them. They face their ends with the dignity Ali’s mother would have wished for and they face it as father and son. While Beverly the true religious terrorist of the story burns away without it.

Warren is the youngest Flynn and it is never directly stated yet omnipresent that his coming of age happens in the shadow of his older brother’s mistake. Annie warns him away from drinking when he goes out he in fact doesn’t drink. He never drinks because of what his brother did. Warren would have been 12 when Riley killed that girl and so he would have seen and felt what his brother’s actions did to his parents fully without being yet old enough to maybe see the nuance. Annie and Ed probably try to right the wrong they believe to have done in parenting Riley with Warren and that’s a lot for a kid. I do think it’s pretty usual that parents of multiple children especially when there’s a larger age gap try to do better with the younger children, but that isn’t fair is it? Warren is his own person not a second chance to do it over. And yet seemingly he does what is asked of him. He’s alter boy, he’s charming and helpful and sweet, he doesn’t drink (even when he does smoke pot) and he helps his father where he can with his work. But in the end he feels guilty because he thinks he wasn’t enough and says at that last dinner he would have been different if he had known he wouldn’t see his family again. But Leeza is right they know and they love him and Warren deserved to not be perfect all the time.

Littlefoot saved Erin and Erin payed her back with all the love she had. She was never born but she gave her mother the strength and willpower to leave. In her speech to Joe Leeza said he reached through time and took things from her she didn’t even know she had yet.When Erin left her husband she reached through time and saved Littlefoot from a childhood like hers and when John gave Erin the angel’s vampire’s blood he reached through time and took away her child, a child who would have been loved and cared for. A child with an amazing mother and probably a great step-dad. Littlefoot’s story is tragic because she never got one.

#midnight mass #midnight mass spoilers #parents in midnight mass #I dunno man I just really love how they showed all these examples of parents

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negasonicimagines · 3 years ago

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Revelation; Part One

warnings/kinks: a/b/o (if you’re penis-repulsed this isn’t for you), smut (duh), brief daddy kink, even briefer mommy kink, cum-eating, cum-marking, cockwarming? (does it count if it’s a/b/o?), light bloodplay, borderline somniphilia (consensual), poisoning, suicidal ideation, allusions to cheating, mentions of conversion therapy, vague mentions of s*xual ass*ult (it doesn’t actually happen in the story, it’s just referred to a lot due to the nature of this universe)

uh… this is another one of those stories that’s just kinda Heavy, please be careful & don’t continue reading if doing so is unsafe for you. I have a variety of other works that don’t have such intense themes, which you can find on my masterlist!

request (+details): Omegaverse: Alphas Yukio and Ellie with a beta reader, but it turns out that reader is a late-bloomer omega who goes into her first heat unexpectedly. / Omegaverse: The setting could be anywhere. The three of them waking up with reader burning hot, believing to be sick but is actually going into heat. The reader could be by themselves when it happens and her alphas come home to a omega in heat / I can’t get this omegaverse idea out of my head, and I hope you don’t mind me telling you this. Reader being alone and confused when her heat came, her alphas gone on a mission. During the time they were gone, Reader made a nest of her alphas’s clothes out of instinct on their bed. By the time Yukio and Ellie returned, Reader is a hot mess from trying to get off, moaning their names and begging for her alphas to help her for she don’t know why she feels like this and is scared.)

synopsis: After Wade discovers you're dealing with suicidal thoughts, he takes it upon himself to help you out, leading to one disaster after another.

author’s note: thank you so much to the lovely anon who requested this for spending so much time with me & making sure everything was juuuust right! Fun fact: we pined, started dating, and broke up, started dating again, and broke up again all before this was published 🙃 sorry everybody, it’s been a rocky road for the past… forever.

Standing guard after school for a few extra bucks is a pretty sweet deal, you have to admit. You mostly just sit around with a pair of binoculars munching on your snack of choice, using a gun loaded with tranquilizer darts to drop anyone who threatens the safety of the school and its residents. If given permission, or an order to do so, you can use your bow and arrow to really take down your enemies.

You’re pretty lucky in life overall, you also have to admit, with two alpha girlfriends and a variety of friends and acquaintances, not to mention the advantages your mutation gives you.

It makes you feel even more guilty for what you’re really thinking about right now. Not Ellie, not Yukio, not keeping an eye out for threats, nothing but a simple question:

Would it be more efficient to slit your wrists with the point of one of your arrows, or to fling yourself from the top of this turret? Which would hurt worse? You look from the sharp arrow you hold in your hand to the plush grass below, managed by some of the other students.

It’s far cheaper to pay students to maintain the yard and house, not to mention it gives students like you a way of earning the kind of spending money that other students receive from their parents or from jobs in town. Your post would be snatched up in no time if you were to pass.

Speaking of parents.

Your father’s exact words to your mother were “I hate that you use a highschool mistake to keep me trapped with you forever!” the last time you happened to hear them argue. They were no longer invited to parent-teacher conferences after that.

It’s a fine reason for him to be angry, but, unfortunately, you’re the highschool mistake he was talking about. The one he’s always talking about whenever they fight. Maybe if you were gone, he’d finally be free. Maybe you’d finally be free from his resentment. He, fortunately enough, rarely lashes out at you directly; however… There’s always been a distance.

Would he love you more if you were gone? If you saved him from… Well, you? You’ve always wanted him to love you, to look at you with something other than anger or resentment. Would he finally be proud of you, for owning up to every horrible thing you are and have done by paying the ultimate price? Would everyone?

You’re holding the bladed tip of the arrow right against your wrist, almost like a normal person might hold a bracelet to their wrist -- trying it on for size, without really thinking about it.

Suddenly, though, Wade’s here. And he’s definitely thinking about it. He yanks the arrow out of your hand, accidentally snapping the wood that makes up its length.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“I- Uh, I don’t know,” you mumble, embarrassed, because you honestly don’t. Being alone with your thoughts gives them the space to grow from their poisoned roots into something dark you don’t really recognize as yours.

“You- You don’t know?!” Wade questions, and the unusual severity of his tone stuns you to the point of laughter. “This isn’t fucking funny, what the hell is wrong with you? Why were you-?! What were you-?! What the fuck are you doing?!”

“I’m standing guard. What the fuck are you doing?” you echo dryly, resorting to quips to avoid telling him any more than he already knows.

“I’m freaking out! I can’t kill you for apparently wanting to kill you, so that’s all I can do! I thought you were on antidepressants!”

“I am. Have been for years. They don’t cure depression, they make it easier to manage.”

“Apparently fucking not! Come on, let’s go talk to somebody and get you an appointment with a psychiatrist. You’ve been on the same prescription all these years, right? Maybe you just need your dosage upped.” Wade’s not asking, he’s telling, his hand wrapped around your bicep to pull you along, although his grip isn’t as tight as you’d expect for a man of his stature, let alone an alpha.

Why does he care so much? He’s always so gentle, even when you piss him off like this. Tears well up in your eyes but you blink hard. You know he’s been through worse. That most people here have. You have no right to cry.

Wade yells at a surprised Charles Xavier until an appointment is set up, which goes pretty well. Four days after that incident, you meet with the psychiatrist who agrees that upping your dosage is the smartest decision, frankly, she’s surprised it wasn’t done sooner. And, after about a week of your new dosage level, you’re feeling better than ever.

Way better.

“You… You’d really wanna do that? For everyone to know I’m yours?”

Ellie nods, cheeks darkened. You’re straddling her, and the two of you have been trading heated kisses with Yukio. Who would’ve thought more of the medication you were sure killed your libido before you could even develop one would be what rescued it?

“Of course we would. I know you don’t like to stereotype, but some of the stereotypes have truth to them. We’re… Territorial,” Yukio reminds you.

“I’m… A beta,” you remind her in a teasing echo of her tone.

“Our beta,” Ellie cuts back in. “Absolutely perfect.”

“Even if I’d rather not let you guys, y’know…” Your hand rubs at the space between your neck and your shoulder - where they’d likely mark you with their teeth - nervously. “...today? Or go farther than what we’re doing right now?”

“Of course, baby! The fact that you’ve even done this much…” Yukio trails off, looking over you. Your lips are swollen and still slightly parted as you continue to pant a little. The top few buttons of your (well, borrowed from Ellie) flannel are undone.

“We’re so grateful, and so proud of you,” Ellie continues, drawing your attention back to her. “We’re willing to wait as long as you need, even if that waiting only ends because you’ve decided that being with us like that isn’t something you want.”

“I do. I always have, I just… I don’t know.”

“The feeling’s still there, in your stomach, right?” Yukio wonders.

“Yeah, a little. It’s like… I know it’s not wrong, but something doesn’t feel quite right. Maybe I should just try to ignore it, I mean, you two have needs-”

“Hey. You know better than that, Y/N. We don’t, okay, babe? Not like that. We wanna have sex with you, not- Not hurt you. You understand that, right?” Ellie reassures you.

“I do, I just feel bad for being such a- I don’t know, a tease?”

“We love you. As in, you. If you forced yourself to do something you didn’t want to, just for us, how would we forgive ourselves?” Yukio says what she’s said a million times, but every time it surprises you. You tend to see yourself as only being valuable in what you can offer others— protection, a laugh, some good advice every now and then —you never expect anyone to care for you outside of that. But here they are. Absolutely perfect.

And you were thinking of flinging yourself off a tower a couple weeks ago. Should you tell them? They just think you went for an overdue checkup, which is technically the case. You don’t know what’s worse, hiding it or telling them. You’ll have to talk to Wade, he’s good at giving advice. Might not be good advice, but he’s definitely good at giving it.

“Everything okay, sharpshooter?” Ellie hands gently squeeze your hips to get your attention.

You blink back out of your thoughts, smiling a little and blushing at the nickname.

“Yeah, yeah, of course. Sorry, I just zoned out. I’ve had a lot on my mind lately.”

“Everything okay?” your alphas ask, again, in unison. Your alphas. They probably couldn’t handle it if you had a problem they couldn’t solve, the guilt of not being able to provide for you would overwhelm them.

“Yeah, totally,” you reply, because it is, now, especially here with them. Ellie starts to button up your flannel.

“Oh, we don’t have to-”

Ellie gives you a pointed look, then looks down at her crotch, then back up at you. Your blush deepens.

“Yeah, I’m guessing a cold shower’s in order,” Yukio agrees. “El, you can go first.”

“We can’t go together?” Ellie asks.

“Well, I don’t wanna leave Y/N alone. Our brave little beta did a lot more than usual. Don’t want you to feel used, baby,” Yukio explains to you both.

“Oh, duh,” Ellie agrees. You give her a quick smooch on the forehead before dismounting her and allowing yourself to be pulled into Yukio’s arms. Ellie grabs some clean clothes and heads off. As soon as the door shuts, Yukio giggles, and you look to her with a curious, confused expression.

“Now you’re all mine to cuddle.” Yukio gloats, kissing the top of your head. “Mm… You smell really good, babe. New shampoo?”

“Ish, yeah,” you agree, despite the fact that you started using it nearly a month ago at this point. Maybe the body heat you built up from the makeout session made it smell stronger, though.

Yukio keeps sniffing you, but you don’t call her out on it. She’s a little bit quirky, sure, but there’s no need to make her feel self-conscious about it when the tickling sensation feels kinda nice. She tosses in a few soft presses of her lips against your skin, too, so it’s not like she’s the only one who benefits.

Yukio eventually stops this, though, instead requesting to scent you. You’ve told the girls before that they don’t have to ask, but they— especially Yukio —seem to prefer to. You figure it’s likely to reassure them that you not only tolerate but appreciate their alphahood.

“I love you, you know that? Not just ‘cause you make me smell like petrichor. I’m surprised Ellie doesn’t spend all day huffing your scent, I… I know I would, if I could smell it.” You didn’t mean for the sad envy to ring so clearly in your words, but it’s as sharp as a knife, cutting deep enough to make Yukio gasp softly with sympathy as she rubs your wrist against her scent gland, eyes snapping open.

“Well, next time it’s about to rain, we’ll go outside, then. Every time it’s about to rain,” Yukio insists. “Who- Who told you?”

“Wade. I was just curious. He said Ellie smells like a campfire, the scent even clings like it. He even said I smell a little weird. Most betas smell like something, but I’m just… A blank canvas.”

You feel her rumble a bit with a growl, and her arms wrap tightly around you… Protectively? You blush.

“Y-Yukio?” you nervously ask, caught off guard. Ellie’s usually more of the growling type. Yukio’s pretty good about keeping her possessiveness and any other “negative” alpha traits in check. This side of her doesn’t come out often.

“What was he doing that close to you?” she snarls protectively, and if the growl wasn’t enough to get your heart racing, that was. “Sm- Smelling you?”

“Yukes, Wade’s the same age as my parents. Honestly, he’s- He’s kinda- He’s nice to me. We’re friends. I think if he was going to hurt me, he would’ve done it by now. You two keep forgetting I’m just a beta. No one wants a piece of this pie except for you and Ellie.”

“You’d be surprised at the way some alphas… It’s sick, but they- Because betas, you know, they don’t really produce slick like omegas do, and they don’t have quite as much give, uh… So, some alphas, um, they… Just let me hold you, okay?” Yukio requests. “I can’t talk about it, it’ll make me too mad.”

“I respect that. Thank you. I, uh, I didn’t realize that at all, so thank you for helping me be even safer,” you reassure her. She’s trembling. “Do you want me to hold you, instead?”

“No, no, this will make me feel better. I just… I love you. Can you just…? Just- Just say you’re mine.” This is a request Yukio has semi-often. When she feels weak in comparison to other alphas, when she feels overshadowed by Ellie, any time she needs reassurance or is just feeling bad, she’ll probably ask. You get it, being hers (and Ellie’s, of course) makes you feel better, too.

“I’m yours, Yukio. Always yours. You make me so happy, both of you. Happier than- You make me feel so-“ You get a bit choked up. These girls, these alphas… They’re so important to you.

“Oh, no, baby, please don’t cry,” Yukio implores, watching your eyes water. You turn so that your face doesn’t just rest on her chest but is buried in it.

“It’s just that no one ever loved me before you two. No one, ever. Not my parents, not my ’friends,’ no one. I don’t know why I’ve been so emotional lately, I’m sorry.”

“No one at all?” Yukio questions, but that’s the missing puzzle piece, she realizes. You’re always treating hers and Ellie’s love for you like it’s something you have to earn, no matter how much they insist being yourself is enough. She fully grasps now that it’s never been enough before.

She holds you even tighter.

“Mm-mm,” you confirm, shaking your head a little. “You and Ellie just mean the whole world to me. And- And… Wade’s my friend, too. Can I still, y’know, spend time with him?”

“Yeah, yeah, of course. I just- He’s a nice guy, but… I don’t want him to put you in danger. You can handle yourself, though. Can’t you, sharpshooter?” Her fingers trickle up your ribs as she says the nickname, making you giggle and squirm.

“Absolutely, but it is nice to have two strong, sexy alphas take care of me instead every now and then,” you admit, albeit a bit teasingly, blushing softly. You turn back so that you can see her adorable face.

“Really?” Yukio asks, but she knows.

“Really,” you agree with a smile.

“I’m yours, too. You know that, right?” Yukio checks, fiddling with your hair a bit.

“Mhm. It’s nice to hear you say it like that, though.”

“I can think of other ways you might like to hear it,” Yukio flirts.

“Yeah, you think so? Show me,” you tease back.

“I will…” Yukio trails off as she trails her finger along your jaw, tipping your head up to the perfect kissing angle and- “Eventually, little beta.”

“I- I’m taller than you,” you weakly protest.

“Your breath still hitched,” Yukio reminds you with a giggle and a gentle tap on the tip of your nose.

You stutter a little more before giving up, burying your face again and whining.

“I’m sorry, Y/N, I just can’t help myself. You’re too cute,” Yukio half-heartedly apologizes, still chuckling to herself as she strokes your back.

Ellie returns from her shower, inky tendrils of hair ruffled around but with no product in.

“She’s asleep?” Ellie asks, sounding a bit disappointed, but there’s still a significant amount of fondness in her tone.

“She’s not,” you mumble back, and both girls chuckle, Yukio untangling herself from you. You can’t help but pout a little, already missing the bubblegum-haired alpha.

“I know Yukio’s your favorite, but you could at least act a little bit happy to see me,” Ellie half-jokes, and you smile, pulling (though she doesn’t give any resistance) the girl back into your bed. She holds you the same way Yukio did, but you don’t really mind the lack of variety.

“You’re both my favorite,” you argue. Ellie takes a deep breath, likely taking in the way you’re completely embraced by Yukio’s scent.

“I don’t think that’s how favorites work,” she chuckles.

“Out of all the people in the world, you two are both my favorite,” you insist. She takes the hand you have resting on her ribcage and holds it inches from her scent gland. “Please,” you say, before she can even ask. Ellie takes a whiff again.

“Did she leave anywhere untouched?” She wonders.

“N-not really,” you stutter, because now you’re thinking of where she didn’t touch you.

“Well, she’ll have to share a little, then,” Ellie says.

You hum with delight as she scents you.

“You make a new friend?” Ellie questions.

“Huh?”

“You smell… Different,” she responds, looking at you… Well, differently. “Like roses.”

“I have a new-ish shampoo?” You offer, but that just seems to intensify the look.

Your phone rings. It’s Wade. You wriggle out of Ellie’s loose hold on you, answering.

“Hey, you know how I’m your academic advisor?”

“Uh, yeah?”

“Well, apparently, thwarting your suicide attempts isn’t my only job. I also have to tell you when they need you in the office, which is now.”

“Seriously?! I didn’t even throw that pencil at Richard, and even if I did, he deserved it for being such a-“

“Oh, right! Should’ve opened with the good news. Your parents are here to visit.”

“What?! That’s-“ You sigh, not wanting to alarm Ellie any more than you already have. “Okay. I’ll be there. Just give me a second to get dressed.”

“Wow, no shame at all. I salute you. Toodles!” Wade hangs up before you realize he misunderstood you.

“What’s wrong?” Ellie asks.

“Nothing, just… My parents are here.”

“Your… Parents?”

“Kind of have to have those to exist, usually,” you remark, and she snorts.

“I know- I- Well, we’ve known each other for a while, and you don’t really talk about them, so I sort of assumed…” Ellie trails off.

“Oh, um, yeah, no, they’re very alive,” you confirm with an awkward chuckle.

“Right. I’ll go get ‘Kio, and we’ll all go, okay?”

“Uh- Um- Yeah.”

“What is it?”

“My parents, they kind of… They- I love you. And I’m not ashamed of you.”

“But they’ll be ashamed of you,” Ellie understands.

“I haven’t seen them in so long, they don’t even know that I like girls, let alone that I’m dating two, or that they’re both alphas… I want you and Yukio to come with me, but, if they start to- If they’re how they are, I-“

“Give my energy to helping you instead of hurting them,” Ellie uses Piotr’s words.

“Perfect,” you agree, and Ellie smiles back, but it falters. You didn’t mean to worry her so much.

“I’ll go get Yukio. You get changed, okay?”

“Mhm,” you agree, and she heads off to the bathroom. You steal one of Ellie’s band tees and an oversized cardigan of Yukio’s for comfort, finding a pair of high-waisted bottoms to tuck the tee shirt in. You throw on a pair of sneakers, and when the girls emerge from the bathroom, you pop in to freshen up.

Once you’re done, Yukio’s caught up on the situation and the three of you make your way to the front offices.

Wade meets you outside.

“Oh em gee, Y/N, you’ll never believe it, I actually went to high school with both of your parents.”

“Uh… Cool?” You respond, because you’re not entirely sure how to.

“Yeah, uh, I get now that it’s probably not really good news that they’re here, huh? No wonder I found you doing that the other day.”

“Doing what?” Yukio and Ellie ask, though for some reason, Ellie’s is tinged with suspicion, maybe even anger.

“I- Listen, it’s not a big deal, I got my prescription updated and all that good stuff, okay?” You prime them. “I was thinking about killing myself the other day and Wade caught me.”

“Thinking?! You’re gonna call holding the fucking tip of an arrow to your wrist thinking?!”

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Ellie sounds as angry as Wade does, but she looks pained. This is why you didn’t tell them.

“Hey, she doesn’t need this right now,” Yukio argues, but she looks hurt, too.

“I mean, I was just considering if it would be more painful than jumping off of the turret,” you mumble, your defense embarrassingly weak.

“We’ll talk about this later,” Ellie decides, and Yukio nods. You three follow Wade to Xavier’s office. Wade breezes in, but you’re practically stuck in the doorway, nervous to look at even the backs of their heads, before they turn around.

“Y/N,” your mom says with a grin, but you know all too well how fake that is. She approaches you, pulls you into a hug, and you want nothing more than to push her away and scrub yourself clean. She doesn’t really love you. The second you speak out of turn, or make a mistake, or give her any excuse, she’ll remind you of your worth. (Or, rather, the lack thereof.)

She slips back into her seat next to your father, in front of the desk where Xavier sits, simply observing.

“It’s been so long,” your father says, but his smile is almost blatantly fake. “Your hair, it’s different.”

“Like you said, it’s been a while,” you say, giving a grimace and an awkward chuckle.

“I don’t think I like it,” he says, like he’s giving his opinion on a sculpture in an art exhibit by some long-dead artist who doesn’t care what he thinks. Like it’s something just… Objective.

“Not sure what to do about that,” you reply sheepishly.

You don’t fully realize that you’re holding Ellie’s hand until she squeezes it reassuringly, three times. A secret code. You step further in to make room for the girls.

“So, uh, I have to ask… Why the sudden visit?”

“Well, we got an e-mail about your medicine, and we wanted to come check on you. Make sure this is the right environment for you,” your mother explains.

“You weren’t sure before you stopped talking to me for two years?” You half-joke, playing dumb.

“Has it really been two years?” A normal person would be asking this rhetorically, and they’d be embarrassed. Your mother, though, is simply trying to gaslight you.

“Longer,” you assure her.

“I thought this place was supposed to provide conversion therapy,” your father says, eyeing your hand, then Ellie’s other hand. “You’re such a fucking liar,” he hisses to your mother.

“Wow, maybe my mom dying when I was young was for the best. Better than this for sure,” Wade jokes, gently elbowing your side. You chuckle, grateful for even the slightest ounce of comic relief.

“You’re even more of a freak than you were in high school.” You squeeze Ellie’s hand tight as your father’s expression darkens even further.

“Funny you should say that, considering-“

“Wade,” your mother cuts him off.

That’s weird, to say the least. You just file that away for later. You have bigger fish to fry, like surviving this visit.

“Y/N, why’d you go for a check-up at all? You barely needed the anti-depressants in the first place,” your mother wonders.

“Because it wasn’t barely. Why else would they raise the dosage?” You ask, and the expression on her face is as stupid as the question she asked.

“Don’t speak to her that way,” your father scolds, like he didn’t just call your mother a fucking liar himself. “You are so ungrateful for everything we’ve done for you, do you realize that?”

“I’m sorry, what have you done for her, exactly? Answer quickly, please,” Ellie retorts.

“El-“ you start, but realize this isn’t anger, but advocacy.

“Well, we sheltered and fed her for over a decade,” your father remarks, smirking like he’s won.

“That’s your job!” Wade argues.

“Mr. and Mrs. L/N… I politely asked that you refrain from visiting the campus, and while I appreciate your concern for Y/N’s well-being, I must ask that you remain respectful of her, her fellow students, and my staff. Causing unnecessary conflict is exactly the reason you were almost banned when you last visited,” Professor Xavier finally speaks.

“Almost banned?!” Wade wheezes.

“Yeah,” you sigh, and Wade’s laughter immediately ceases. “I was cheating in school, according to- To Dad.” The word is poison in your mouth.

“Come on, we all know you’re not smart enough to get those grades on your own. Probably screwing some teacher, just like Mom.”

“That’s enough,” Ellie snarls, eyes glowing orange.

“I never screwed a teacher!” Your mother protests at the same time.

“Oh, that’s right, you just blew Mr. Morin. My bad. Wow, Y/N, you really must be something special for all these alphas to be fawning over you. Maybe I did fuck up once or twice, after all, I’ve heard daddy issues-“

“Well, you visited! Now get the fuck out,” Wade chirps.

“Mr. L/N, must I repeat myself? I know you and Mrs. L/N were interested in a tour. Perhaps a less crowded area would help ease your minds,” Xavier reminds you all of his presence once more.

“That sounds like a great idea,” your father agrees.

“I’m starting to get a bit of a headache, maybe you could show us your room first and I could lie down for a bit in there?”

“I-“ You look to the girls, not wanting them to have to deal with her alone.

“Actually, Miss Phimister and Miss Kitsuna would be perfect additions to a rescue team. The orphanage your friend Russell came from was actually part of a network for mutant trafficking, and we found another hub in Maine. The jet takes off in fifteen minutes, and you two will be back in time for dinner. Better get ready and briefed.”

“But-“ Yukio starts, looking to you.

“Go, be superheroes,” you tell them, and they head out. “Uh, how about we swing by the library first, to give them time to change, and then to our room?”

“You share a room with them? Somehow, I’m not surprised.”

“We were roommates before we started dating,” you correct him.

“Dating… Aw, I bet you really think that’s what it is, too. Having parents in a sham of a marriage really did a number on you, huh?” Your father condescends.

“You know, it’s pretty fucked up how fixated you are on her sexuality. Do you like to picture it, you goddamn creep?” Wade defends you, and your skin crawls. You’d never thought of it that way before.

“Let’s just get that tour started, ‘kay?” You squeak. The sooner you get this over with, the sooner they’ll be on their way, hopefully.

“Good idea, Y/N,” Wade says. “Come on, Textbook, let’s go.”

“You didn’t just call me-“

“Oh, but I did, Textbook. Hey, Y/N, did you know that was your dad’s nickname in highschool? ‘Cause he was so fuckin’ easy to shove in a locker.”

You cover your mouth with your hand, trying not to laugh and failing.

“Just show us the library already, Y/N,” your mother says, pinching the bridge of her nose.

You take your parents to the library, as requested. Wade keeps pace with you while your parents fall back. You can’t hear their exact words, but you know your parents are bickering.

“You never said it was this bad.”

“It’s not that bad. It’s definitely been worse,” you admit, busying your eyes with the paintings that line the walls so that you don’t have to meet Wade’s gaze. You might just cry if you do; you can feel the sympathy radiating off of him.

In these past few months, Wade’s been more of a father than your dad, even more of a mother than your mom, but for some reason that doesn’t make you feel more justified in how you feel about your parents. In fact, it just makes you feel worse, and even if you’ve never actually expressed it, you’re still ashamed of the fact that you wish Wade was your father instead. He actually cares, while your parents are simply legally obligated.

From the day you met, Wade’s always been there for you. If you were to tell your parents what you almost did the other day, they’d just call you attention-seeking and insult you in other ways. All they’d do is make you want to try again.

You and Wade stop at the entrance to the library and wait for your parents to catch up. They do, and you open the double doors to reveal the room.

“It’s like Beauty and the Beast,” your mother gapes.

“I thought so, too,” you agree, attempting a smile, but your parents just ignore you, wandering around the large room. Your mother excuses herself after a few minutes of spinning, saying that the dizziness is making her headache worse.

“All these books and you’re still… The way you are,” your father comments, looking at you with such disdain.

“Winner of the science fair with her loving partners, three years in a row?” Wade questions. “Oh, or maybe you’re talking about the fact that she’s a published poet. How embarrassing for you, I’m sure.”

“Wade,” you protest under your breath, embarrassed. They don’t even know that stuff. After middle school, you stopped telling them about your accomplishments. You figured out that all they’d do is ruin them for you.

“No, no, trust me. It’s more about the fact that she’s slutting around with alphas and won’t even save us the embarrassment of them being girls,” you father spats.

“That’s enough,” Wade snarls.

“Oh, that’s right, we can’t forget that she’s yours, too. I guess anything with a dick is daddy considering I was too busy putting food on the table to play dollies,” he remarks, and you suddenly feel light-headed.

“Seriously, Textbook, I really don’t want to hurt you, especially not in front of Y/N, but I fucking will if you make me.”

“Just go,” you urge Wade, starting to feel a bit dizzy, surely from the stress. You brace yourself on him, disguising it as a touch meant to comfort him. He looks concerned as the edges of your vision start to darken a little.“I- What you’re doing, I appreciate it, but-“

“You appreciate it? You appreciate him disrespecting me, disrespecting our family?!”

“Our family?!” You finally snap. “All I ever wanted was for you to love me, and you couldn’t do that. You just couldn’t. And now we’re a family?! No. No, you…” You start to pant, your face feeling even hotter than before. “You… I hate you,” you manage to get out before your world goes completely dark.

“Fuck yeah, Y/N! I’m so prou-“

But when Wade turns to you, you’re halfway to the ground. He catches you, though, and he catches a whiff of something… Familiar.

Lavender. It’s not just the Wilson scent, sure, but it’d be too much of a coincidence. You smell just like him. You are him, or, rather, made of him.

He’s torn between ecstatic and furious.

“Hey, can we get some help over here?” your father calls out to no one. It’s not a school day, and lots of students are out on missions. He reaches out to you for once in your life, but Wade’s now sitting on the floor, cradling you in his arms.

“No,” Wade argues. “Not yours. Mine.”

“What?” You father asks incredulously. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“She’s. Not. Yours,” Wade repeats, and the more he inhales your scent, the more out of control yet calm he feels. Like he’s in the eye of a hurricane. “My baby. Mine.”

“You’re not saying…” your father trails off as Wade gets up, still cradling you. Wade has to take you to your room; help make you a nest, now. He can smell it on you.

You’re in heat.

He gets to your room quickly, practically tossing you onto your bed. Wait… Isn’t your mom supposed to be here?

And that’s when he hears the sound of pills spilling onto the floor.

He nearly rips the bathroom door off of its hinges. Luckily, your mother spilled what Wade quickly realizes is suppressants, and not your prescription.

“You. You could’ve killed her. You are very, very lucky that my baby-“

“Our baby,” your mother corrects.

“No, you take pills, you can’t even smell her, let alone feel her like I can. It- It’s so much it fucking hurts. I’ll say it again, you’re very lucky my baby is in heat, or your arteries would be emptying in that shower. Now, go. Don’t come back.”

You groan in pain, stirring, and your mother takes Wade’s advice. Wade calls Yukio. Then Ellie. Then Yukio. Then Ellie.

“What the fuck, dude?!”

“You need to turn around. Now. I don’t have the time to explain. It’s Y/N.”

“Is she okay?” Ellie, always skeptical, asks.

“Obviously fucking not, or I wouldn’t be calling. She’s in heat.”

“But-“

“I said that I don’t have time to explain, fucking turn around! I’m on the verge of going fucking feral, Ellie. You both need to get here, now.”

“Wade, get out,” Ellie immediately demands.

“I can’t,” he admits.

“Get out! Shit, Wolverine! We need to turn around!”

“I can’t. It’s not like that I swear, it’s… I’m going fucking crazy, just one of you will do, but someone needs to get here.”

“Wade, go.”

“I would never hurt her! Come home!” Wade barks before hanging up. He returns to your room to find you’ve made a nest instinctively - thank goodness for Yukio’s affinity for pillows and blankets - and now you’re curled up in pain in the center of it.

“Wade,” you whimper. He’s scared to step closer, not sure if he’s what you want, even if you despise who you thought was your father. “What’s happening to me? Everything hurts.”

“I really don’t know how to say this, but… You’re in heat.”

“But I’m a beta,” you argue, wrapping your arms around yourself.

“That’s what we all thought. But… Remember how you didn’t smell like anything before? Uh, let me start over. When did you start on your anti-depressants?”

“I was about twelve,” you confirm, not sure what that means.

“Yeah, I think those were suppressants. That it’s always been suppressants, no matter what the bottles said. Until you got a prescription without your mother knowing. Do you understand why your mother would do that?”

You shake your head, and he approaches the bed, sitting down carefully as not to disturb your work.

“Her boyfriend around the time she got pregnant with you was a beta. We know him as Textbook,” Wade teases, before continuing: “But, what no one realizes is that he was at Niagara Falls on spring break around the time when you were conceived, and she was hanging out with her next-door neighbor the whole time. Her next-door neighbor was me.”

“Oh, so I’m your highschool mistake,” you say, connecting the dots.

“Huh?”

“Ha, well, whenever my parents- Well, I guess not my parents, but that’s beside the point, uh, whenever they argue and it gets really bad, my father- Well, not my father, but, uh-“

“Continue,” Wade urges.

“Basically, sometimes he uses ‘a mistake I made in highschool’ as code for ‘Y/N,’” you explain. “But the truth is, I’m the mistake you made in highschool.”

“You’re not a mistake,” he disagrees. “You’re- You’re one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. Lots of things are made by accident, but that doesn’t make them mistakes! Penicillin, potato chips, Post-It notes, popsicles! They were never supposed to exist but they do and the world is much better off with them in it.”

“You really do have a lot of useless knowledge,” you realize.

“So do you, that’s why our team always wins trivia night.” Wade slips off his boots, joining you in your rearranged bed. “C’mere,” he suggests, guiding your head to his neck.

“S’really you,” you mumble, already weary, and Wade worries for what’s to come. He almost doesn’t even want to let the girls in. He could get you pain medicine, he could probably even find sedatives. Then no one would ever be able to even touch you, let alone hurt you. “Lavender. You never mentioned the lavender, just the sandalwood.”

“I didn't think you’d be impressed,” Wade admits.

“It’s relaxing,” you tell him. “It’s nice to have things in common with someone.”

“You smell like roses, too, not just lavender,” he makes sure you know.

“Yeah, but I think that’s mostly concentrated in an area I’d rather not discuss with you.”

“Well, just make sure that if you do decide to do anything more with them than cuddle, which I can gladly go through the rest of my life without knowing, bee-tee-dubs, that the girls are wearing alpha condoms, especially if one of them knots you. Standard condoms work in a pinch if it’s just for one, y’know, go, but for heats they’re basically useless because of everything I just said. If they hurt you, I will make their deaths look like accidents.”

“S’not like I can get pregnant anyway…” You mumble, embarrassed. “I’m- I’m really glad it’s you. I- I wished so many times that it was you instead of him. Ow, ugh, that one was bad,” you groan, massaging your stomach.

Meanwhile, on the jet, Ellie is furious with herself.

“Yukio, you don’t get it, I smelled her. She smelled like an omega, but I thought- I assumed she was cheating on us. That maybe she didn’t want to be with us like that was because she wanted to- I don’t know, to be on top? It seems so stupid now.”

“Hey, I noticed she smelled different, too. There were other signs we both missed, anyways. Think about how emotional she’s been lately, or how much farther we’ve been going in other ways. How clingy she’s been, too.”

“I guess I didn’t really notice it because I liked her being more open and needing us more,” Ellie admits. “She- She almost fucking killed herself. And I thought cheating was what she was hiding. I- I just-“

“You can’t beat yourself up over it,” Yukio insists. “We’re on our way back, and Wade’s there to protect her.”

Speaking of Wade being there to protect you, he continues to comfort you as the pain gets worse.

“S’too hot,” you complain, and he releases you from his hold, rising from the bed. He knows he’ll have to leave you soon, because you��re likely going to need privacy before the girls get home, but it’s hard to part from you knowing you’re in pain.

“I’m gonna get you some water, okay? And after that, I’m just gonna stand guard outside the door until your girls get here. I know there’s some stuff you need to do, and that’s only gonna get worse.”

“It’s already awful,” you admit, and he chuckles.

“Good luck, kid. I love you.”

Wade gets a case of bottled water from the school’s industrial-sized pantry, bringing it to your room and tearing it open for you before leaving once more. You take one, immediately guzzling it down.

In privacy, you take off Yukio’s cardigan and your bottoms, leaving you in Ellie’s tee shirt and your underwear. You decide to go ahead and free yourself from the constriction that is your bra, feeling a bit embarrassed that you’re not leaving much to the girls’ imagination for your first time together. You eventually decide to undress completely, wondering when the hell your girls are gonna get here.

#a/b/o #yukisonic #yukisonic x reader #yukio x reader #negasonic teenage warhead x reader #ellie phimister x reader #yukio imagine #negasonic teenage warhead imagine #ellie phimister imagine #yukio #negasonic teenage warhead #ellie phimister #x-men imagine #x-men fanfiction #sapphic x reader #sapphic imagine #wlw x reader #wlw imagine

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shit-scfandom-did · 4 years ago

Note

so i have a few questions

1)i cannot understand how you ship k*ramel. their relationship was FILLED with toxicity. from mon-el failing over and over again to listen to what kara had to say to him basically telling her to give up being kara danvers. convincing her that "being supergirl and having you is enough” was absolutely horrible. karamel had their moments but overall it was toxic. then in s3 mon el was married and the whole point of season 3 was allowing them to move on. accepting the toxicity from s2 and pushing past that romanticized time. mon el was a better person by 3b but he was still married. even if mon el and imra did break up in the finale there’s no future for karamel. even during 5x13 kara went to ask on advice about lena. and when winn came to visit from the future not a word about him. she’s moved on and it just wouldn’t make sense for kara to end up with him.

2) how can you hate lena so so so much?? it’s been said over and over again that all she’s ever wanted to do is good. though she’s designed to be this morally grey character. she has FLAWS but that’s what makes her so good. she’s a victim of abuse and you can see her struggle with that especially in seasons 4 and 5. in 5 she definitely goes down a questionable path but how can you expect her not too? after being emotionally abused by her brother, betrayed by her family, andrea (this did happen before kara), and then eve. finding out that kara and EVERYONE she loves has betrayed her as well. I mean how could you not go mad?? and even when she “went mad” she was trying to rid humanity of PAIN. something she later realized was a necessary part of life. her hurt blinded her from reality and lex’s manipulation pushed her down further. she’s been hurt and broken so many times and while that’s not an excuse for what she’s done you have no sympathy for her and that I find appalling. lena has realized what she’s done is wrong, that she’s made mistakes, what she did to kara, and she will have to live with that isn’t that punishment enough? she’s apologized and is trying to make up for everything she’s done by saving the world (again). your unnecessary hate towards her infuriates me. cant you take a step back and see the whole picture?

3) why DONT you ship supercorp or accept the queerbaiting? (watch this: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=C2w2GBXd_Pg) They are the core relationship of the show while the danvers sisters are the heart. they’ve gone through so so much together and practically dated in early season 2. they love each other it’s just oh so apparent. i like to believe one of the reasons lena reacted so strongly in s5 is because she was in love with kara and she couldn’t handle the person she was in love with lying to her. and kara flew around the world to get lena’s favorite food!! if that’s not romantic idk what is. I feel like you’ve developed such a clouded view of supercorp that you need to take a step back and understand what lena is the love of kara’s life.

wow what a long message. im not here to hate. im here to inform & undertand. i get it. karamel had their moments and even MY perception of them might be a little cloudy. im not going to hate you for liking them. hell I even shipped them for a little! my brother thinks 3b mon el and kara would’ve been perfect but he understands that supercorp is just where the show is leading and he wants them to be endgame. but what I will hate is your hate. what’s the point of all this? this thread, this account is going to do NOTHING. so why bother? I debated sending this and I hope I’m not too harsh at times but I really wanna see what you say. I hope you can open your eyes to lena and supercorp. maybe even become a supercorp shipper yourself!

- thanks and supercorp endgame 💙❤️

First of all, if you want to discuss ships in the future send this type of anons to facepalming-since-chernobyl, this blog is not for this, but for gathering receipts.

1.I just ship it, I don’t get why you have to understand it. It’s shipping. But if you insist:

No, it was not filled with toxicity. Count me when he failed to listen to her when they were in a relationship. Secondly, he is not a dog, he has his brain, he is his own person. People don’t always do what others asked them to do. It’s not slavery.

He has NEVER said to her to give up being Kara Danvers. How did he exactly convince her? How can you read the scene that he convinced her that being supergirl and having him is erasing Kara Danvers? In this scene he supports anything SHE WANTS to do. Also, Kara Danvers doesn’t equal Kara being a reporter in CatCo. On that moment she had her blog. She change people’s live with it like a real reporter. She took the risk and met consequences of her actions aka being fired by Snapper. Also, remind me who told her to create a blog? With your logic Lena was erasing Kara Danvers too.

Friendly reminder that he was forced to the marriage to keep peace. Also, friendly reminder Imra and the Legion out him in this situation without telling him about her plans. She and Brainiac put him there, knowing exactly how much he loved Kara and how much she meant to him. Imra knew that, that’s why she asked him to stay and solve his feelings. She said if he had come back, she would have known he had no doubts. But he wanted to stay, that’s why they broke up. He came back because once again he sacrificed himself for the greater good, like a real hero. Maybe watch the Argo eps because they clearly show that no, it was no about moving on.

It was not accepting about so called toxicity. First of all, she already forgave him that he lied. Secondly, all of she was screaming in that scene, when she was infected with M’rynn’s powers, happened before they got together and it was already approached in the musical ep. Aka, this scene had no point.

There is no future for karamel because you say so?

Kara went to asked him, because she truly believed and trusted him and his judgment. And yes, she asked about Lena and what did he said? That Kara deserved the same compassion she gives others, something Lena never gave her. And sorry, I know all scs scream the 100 ep was about sc, but it was about Kara fully realizing she is not responsible for Lena’s horrible choices. That’s it. And friendly reminder she called her a villain in the last scene. Also, the ep showed than no matter what, Lena always ends screwing something, because she has too big ego, always knows better, doesn’t stand criticism and doesn’t trust anyone.

It doesn’t make sense for you. Suit yourself.

2.Her fans made me hate her :) Thanks to them and how they excuse her every horrible action, how they treat her as a victim, while she abuse everyone etc. I started to watch her more carefully. And well, she is a horrible, white, privileged capitalist, who plays god, judge, jury, has mommy issues and acts like typical Luthor while crying she is not one, while still using Luthors money and resources.

Yeah, many people want to make good and end doing evil things. Common people pay for their sins, she has never. Since allowing hostile Daxamite army to invade the Earth (also, her portal affected the other aliens who destroyed the NC), producing a device that could recofnize aliens without their consent (and it was used by Children of Liberty,)producing and lying about Kryptonite, trying to make people superpowered without any supervision, killing Adam during illegal experiment, supporting openly alienphobic president and in a way Agent Liberty, killing Lex and then blaming Kara and finally manipulating Kara for months, lying, gaslighting, yelling, making her steal Lex journal, trying to lobotomize her and tortured with kryptonite, hurting every way possible, physically and mentally. Working with mass murderer, enslaving 3 people (kidnapping Eve, without her consent putting AI into her mind, basically RAPING her brain and making her a puppet in her own body; enslaving end experimenting on Malefic and Russel – threatening to kill him to steal Andrea’s necklace) – none of it are flaws. It was horrible abuse and violating every human right and the fact some people excuse it is disgusting.

First of all, being victim of abuse doesn’t give you the rights to HURT other people. The fact I have to explain pains me. Secondly, what abuse exactly? Lillian didn’t love her? Lex kidnapped her? Said he was going to kill her? You know what? Winn HAD HORRIBLE past and he didn’t turn into a murderer. Mon-El was abused by his mother and never tortured Kara with Kryptonite. J’onn killed a lot of white martians but last time I checked he doesn’t feel good about it. Also, never said the things he has done were GOOD. See a difference?

Yeah, and all of it, still doesn’t give her the rights to torture people. Also, friendly reminder she lied to Supergirl about Kryptonite in s3, much before the whole drama. Remember how she destroyed the life of a girl that stole boyfriend in middle school? It clearly shows she always had THAT in her. Plus, sorry not sorry, if she wanted different life, outside her family she could have easily done that. She was in Star City, with Jack, doing her researches, making her career. And she threw it all away, because she WANTED to be a Luthor.

Plus, sorry not sorry, if you feel betrayed and hurt because your friend didn’t tell you something she didn’t OWE you, you go to therapy, not trying to lobotomize entire planet.

Mate, she wanted to lobotomizer entire humanity, without ANYONE’S consent, because SHE, one single Lena, felt hurt. This is playing a GOD. Nothing explains it.

Planning a cold ass revenge for months is not being blinded by feelings.

Once again, even if could argue about how many times she was broken, most of that was a white privileged life she chose herself but whatever, it still doesn’t excuse her. All of she has done should meet consequences. Paying for shit you have done, accepting it, fully realizing what you have done is a part of redemption. Still in s5 she didn’t even apologize to Kara. Because she still didn’t understand what she has done and doesn’t feel sorry about it.

Feel appalled as much as you want, because I’m not going to feel sorry for a white, privileged woman who has never paid for her actions and is basically a living avatar of the worst Karen you can imagine.

She realized Lex was using her horrible experiments (remember? She experimented on puppies too) to his own agenda, that’s why she went to Kara. That’s not grasping a thing. Mhm, if you call that an apology then suit yourself. She is not saving the world, she is helping once again other people fixing the shit she created.

Feel infuriated as much as you want, because I don’t care? Especially when it comes from a person who tells others to take a step back while being totally narrow minded about Mon-El and karamel.

3.Because actors, prodcuers, writers call SC a female friendship. Mel did that in her last interview. See whatever you want but maybe stop forcing people to ship a horribly abusive ship.

Well… no. Kara is the heart and soul of the Supergirl. Alex is her most important relationship. Lena is an important friend, who doesn’t deserve it yet, but we all know Kara is the Paragon of Hope so of course she is going to forgive her.

I know you people think sc dated because they breathed in one room, but in s2 Kara dated, had sex, kissed, cuddled and enjoyed her time with Mon-El.

Yeah, they love each other as friends. It was said more than once.

That’s your delusion, you are free to do it.

Kara done that to Alex too, so you are saying she is romantically in love with her sister or something? If bringing people food is romantic and damn, most of the people I know loves me, god.

No, lena is not Kara’s love of her life.

Cool, you are not going to hate me because I ship karamel, I’m touched.

Sorry that you are going to be super disappointed in the end of the show I guess.

You will hate my hate – what’s the point of it?

Once again, because I don’t think you understand the point of this blog or read the description �� it’s gathering receipts of assholes who cross tag and hate on the actors. Maybe go and search #gross hate or #cast hate on this blog so you can see how amazing your fandom is. Have fun.

I would rather eat my own shit than starting shipping the victim of abuse with her abuser.

Thanks and no :)

#anons

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jeo9n · 4 years ago

Text

Majesty Pt 6 || JJK

Pairing : Jeon Jungkook x Reader

Genre : Slow burn,Angst,fluff,virgin reader,King JK, future smut.

Warnings : none for this chapter

Wordcount : 3.2k

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A few days have passed since you got married to the King. Being married to him hasn’t really changed anything between you two. The only thing that has changed is, that you both now sleep in the same bed, but that was it. It’s still kind of weird to share a bed with a man, but as long as he doesn’t try anything on you, then it’s fine. He weirdly keeps on cuddling you in his sleep, almost possessively. But once he wakes up he acts like nothing ever happened, like he wasn’t just almost squeezing the air out of you, trying to keep you as close as possible.

You’re currently getting dressed for the day. You’re going to visit your mom today. You haven’t seen her since the wedding, and you miss her.

"That looks absolutely delicious." You tell Maria, when you arrived at the Kitchen.

"Thank you, miss. I actually baked those for you and your mom." She said, as she packed the freshly backed Croissants. "I hope your mom enjoys them." Handing them to you.

You look at her with a huge smile on your face. "That is so nice of you, Maria, thank you. Im sure my mom will love them." Maria has always been so nice to you ever since you arrived at the castle, and your thankful for that.

"Is the King coming with you, miss?"

"Oh no, I’m going alone. I wanna spend some alone time with my mother, and I’m sure, the King has other stuff to do. I don’t wanna be a burden to him." You tell her.

"I actually don’t have anything to do today." Someone suddenly spoke. You knew it was him though, without having to see his face. "I would love to come with you."

You turned around to face him. "You don’t have to come with me, your highness. I want to spend some time with my family alone. You can come with me another time though, if you want of course." You tell him, without trying to sound rude.

"I will come with you another time then." He tells you. "One of my chamberlains will bring you to the village though. It’s a long way, I don’t want you going alone."

You nod. Cause he’s right! it is a long way. It probably would take you a few hours to reach the village, if you walked.

﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏

You arrived at your old home, your mom already waiting for you outside. She hugs you tightly, telling you how much she has missed you. "It’s been only a few weeks, mom." You giggle. "You act like you haven’t seen me in years."

"Well, it feels like it. The house has been so quiet without you, Y/n, I miss having you around." She tells you - Her words making you feel sad. If you knew your mom would miss you so much, then you would’ve never left her, you would’ve never gotten married in the first place. You would’ve stayed with her. You had no problem with that. "But I’m happy that you finally got married, my dear. So, so happy! - Not only do you finally have a husband, he’s also a King! Do you know how jealous these mother’s are of me." She laughs, while you both walk inside.

The smell of your home instantly hits your nose. Making you feel even more sad. It feels like you’ve been away for so long. You wish, you could’ve spend a little more time at home than you’ve had. You would’ve loved to spend more a few more days with your mom, you would’ve loved to sleep in your own bed one more time, before having to leave, and moving into the castle.

All this thinking made you totally forget about the Croissants Maria gave you. "Here, one of the maids made some croissants for us." You say, handing the basket to your mother.

She takes to basket from you. "Oh how lovely of her." putting down the basket and getting a plate for the croissants.

"Her name is Maria! She’s really nice to me, I like her a lot." You answer, sitting down at the table, where you used to always eat with your mother. "She kinda reminds me of you"

She smiles at you, sitting down as well. "How’s your marriage going? - I know you haven’t been married for long, but is it going good?"

"It is going good! But we don’t really act like a married a couple - I don’t mind though, I like it that way." You tell her, as you take a bite of the croissant. "But I got really annoyed at him, a few days before we got married."

"Why, what did he do?"

"We were eating dinner and i wanted to put the dirty dishes away, once we were done eating. Because thats what you should do, right? But he suddenly stopped me, saying something like "I don’t have to do those things because I’m his wife, and the maids are there for that stuff." And that he would punish me if I kept doing that. But I didn’t care, I did it anyways. Because who the hell is he to tell me what to do?" You huff.

"I would’ve done exactly the same. What’s so bad about cleaning up? It doesn’t matter if has maids for that. If you wanted to help, that he should’ve let you." She says, shaking her head. "But, he didn’t really punish you for that, did he?" She asks, worriedly.

"He did. That fucker left me outside in the cold all night. At first I thought he was joking, i thought he would just leave me outside for a while, and eventually let me in. But he never opened the door for me. He really left me outside, all by myself." You tell her, rolling your eyes. It still makes you mad when you think about it.

"What?" She asks with wide eyes, not believing what you just said.

"Yea, and the next day he acted like nothing ever happened. He probably thinks I forgot about it, but I didn’t. I’ll get him back I just have to find the right time for it." You tell her, already planning your revenge.

She looks at you with worried eyes. "That probably won’t be a good idea, Y/n. - Him leaving you outside must’ve been a nice way of punishing you. I don’t want you to do anything, and get punished again." She tries to explain. "Promise me you won’t do anything, Y/n."

You understand her. She’s your mom, and she’s worried for you. But still, he left you outside for the whole night, cold and scared. You had to sleep on a bench, - well you tired to, at least - which gave you horrible back pain. You’ll get him back for it. You don’t care if you’ll get punished again. But you won’t tell her that. Instead, you look at her and smile, "I promise."

﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏

"Y/n, can you open the door for me please." Your mom calls out from bathroom.

"Of course." You were already on your way to open the door anyway.

You were met with bouquet of yellow roses once you opened the door. Your lips instantly turned into a smile, recognizing the two person behind it immediately. "Hello, Bambi." One of your Brothers greeted you, calling you by your nickname - which only your brothers called you by that name - moving the roses out of his face, so he could see you. "Or should I say, your majesty?" He joked, while finally giving you a hug, your oldest brother giving you one as well. You missed your brothers so much, so much that you could cry.

"Ah, can you believe our little Bambi is finally married." Your brother says to your other brother, while you three walk back into the living room. "And can you believe, none of you showed up to my wedding?" You say a little annoyed. You went to both of your their Weddings, and they didn’t even show up at yours. They missed the most special day of your life.

"We are so sorry, Y/n! But we were out of town, there was no way we could’ve made it to your wedding, even if we tried. It would’ve taken us so many hours to arrive at the kingdom, please forgive us!" your older brother explains to you.

You could tell he was saying the truth. Your brothers were good at anything, but lying wasn’t one of their strength. You couldn’t stay mad at them, not even if you tried, not when they were looking at you like this, with big puppy eyes, waiting for your forgiveness.

"I forgive you! But, I’m still sad you weren’t there. I was waiting for you two to show up all night."

"We’ll make it up to you! We promise!"

"I hope you guys do!" Your mom says, coming back from the bathroom. "How could you miss your little sisters special day!" She scolds them, slapping your oldest brother on the head, making you laugh.

﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏

Right now, you were on a walk through the village for a bit. Your mother stayed home with your brothers, making sure that they don’t eat all the food she had cooked.

You felt everyone watching you, either out of shock that you were back in the village, or out of jealousy. You knew these mothers and their daughters were glaring at you. Probably trying to curse you with their eyes on you.

You were just walking around, with no destination in mind. You just wanted to walk around for a bit. You haven’t really gotten the chance to really do anything, since you moved into the castle. You weren’t allowed to leave the castle by yourself, except for today. So you tried to enjoy it as much as you could. You had stopped by the small bakery you used to work at, buying some bread to feed the ducks by the small lake near by.

You were surrounded by ducks, they all came waddling towards you as soon as you took out the bread, eager to get some food. You were crouching down with the bread in your hand, trying to feed all of them equally, not wanting to left one out. "Hey! Your little friend right here wants some bread too." You scold the duck, as it tried to take the food out of your hand. But giving it some food anyway, feeling bad for scolding it.

You kept feeling eyes on you, following your every move. Everywhere you went, you felt like you were being watched. You thought you were imagining it, but you knew you weren’t, not when you heard something behind you. You didn’t know where it came from. You were alone at the lake, or at least you thought. Knowing that someone could be watching you got you scared. You left the lake and walked back home, you didn’t want to risk anything, who knows what could happen if you stayed. You didn’t know who could watching you, if someone was even watching you.

You walked home faster than you had ever done. You were paranoid, turning around everytime you heard something. You knew you were overthinking it, making it worse than it probably was. There probably wasn’t even someone watching you, your were just imagining things. The people probably thought you were crazy, as you passed by them, almost running. You wanted to get home as soon as possible, you didn’t care if they looked at you weird.

﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏

"Y/n, what is wrong? You look like you’ve just seen a ghost." Your mother asks, as she opened the door for you.

You got inside quickly, not wanting to spend another minute outside. "I-I think someone was watching me, mom."

"I was at the lake near the bakery, no one was there except for me, but I could feel someone watching me. I felt their eyes on me all the way home."

A worried look crossed her face. "Are you sure? Maybe your mind was just playing some tricks on you, Y/n"

"I am sure! I heard movement behind me, I was alone mom, and it wasn’t the ducks. Someone was definitely spying on me." You tell her, your voice shaking.

"Well, if that’s the case, than you probably shouldn’t go out by yourself again!" She says, holding you, trying to calm you down.

"Yea... but why would someone spy on me? Im just a ordinary girl, there’s nothing special about me.

"Y/n, my dear. Your not an ordinary girl, your married to the King! There’s a lot of people that envy you. Of course someone would be watching you, but still, don’t go out alone again." Your mom tells you.

She’s right! Your married to the King, you can’t just walk around like you used to. There are a lot of jealous and evil people out there, who knows what they would do.

﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏

Your mother told you, that you should go back to the castle. Saying that it might be dangerous for you, if you stayed in the village.

The chamberlain came a little later and picked you up. Bringing you back to the castle.

It was already kinda late when you got back to the castle. You were a little tired, but you didn’t wanna go to bed yet. Right now, you were sitting on one of the washing machines, talking to Maria while she did the laundry. "My mom said thank you, for the croissants. She really liked them."

"Ah that makes me happy!" She says, putting the King’s dirty laundry in the washer. "I will bake you some more, the next time you visit your mother."

You smile at her. "No, no. You don’t have to do anything. This time my mom will make some for you."

She giggles, putting the clean clothes into a basket. "Why did you come home alone? I thought you went with the King?" Maria asks, confused.

"No, I went alone," you furrow your eyebrows. "The King did not come with me." Shaking your head.

She picks up the basket and looks at you. "Oh! Really? He left quickly after you, so I thought you two went together." She looks confused. "No, wait. He went to visit the neighborhood kingdom! I totally forgot about it." She says quickly, correcting herself. "Ah, im getting old."

"You’re not old Maria, you just got some things mixed up. That happens to me too sometimes." You assure her, as you both walk towards the Kings dressing room.

She makes sure his clean clothes are put away perfectly, checking everything once again, making sure that none of his clothes have any wrinkles on them. "Your too nice to me." Shes says as leaves the room.

The King arrived at the castle the same time you walked down the stairs. "Oh, you’re back already?" He looks at you, as you now stand in front of him.

He looks kinda shocked to see you back at the castle already. "Yea, my mother called the chamberlain to come pick me up earlier." You answer.

He’s confused. You told him that you would come a home little later, and why did your mom call the chamberlain to pick you up? "Is everything okay?"

He looks at you worried, but he looked away before you could catch it. "I’m fine, Your highness!" You tell him, you didn’t tell him that your were being watched earlier, because your not even completely sure if you were being watched.

"You’re lying." He noticed right away, shit.

You don’t look at him, how can he tell so easily if your lying to him? "Im not lying, your highness! Everything is fine." Walking towards the garden, he follows you.

He shakes his at you, not understanding why you’re lying to him. "You’re a terrible liar, Y/n. Tell me what’s wrong." Catching up to you.

You turn around to look at him, this time seeing the worried look on his face. "I think someone was following me, back in the village. I went out for a walk and I felt someone watching me the whole time! I did not see anyone, but someone was definitely there!" You huff, crossing your arms in front of your chest protectively.

His face suddenly turned serious. "Are you serious? - I knew it wasn’t a good idea to let you go alone!" He says in an angry voice. "You’re not allowed to visit the village again! - not without me."

Fuck, he’s angry. You didn’t mean to make him angry, if you knew that’s how he would react, then you wouldn’t have told him. "I understand your worry, your highness, but I can look after myself. You don’t have to come with me. I won’t go out alone again, I make sure it won’t happen again."

He furrows his eyebrows at you. "Stop fucking acting like this, stop acting like you’re a big girl that can protect herself, Y/n. Cause you clearly can’t!" Now raising his voice at you. "If I say you’re not allowed to leave the castle alone again, then you should fucking listen!"

His sudden outburst scared you a bit, you were not expecting that. But you won’t show it. "And how would you be able to protect me?" You ask him, raising you voice back at him.

"You have no idea, Y/n" he says, calmly, too calmly.

"What’s that supposed to mean?"

"You’ll see."

You still have no idea what he means by that. Does he mean he’ll fight them? Does he know how to fight? Probably not. He probably has people for that.

"Let’s go back inside. It’s cold." Grabbing your hand and dragging you inside.

﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏

You decided to take a bath. You need that after today. You couldn’t stop, thinking about today at the lake. You felt eyes on you, you could definitely feel it. You weren’t imagining it, but who would spy on you? Maybe it was the girls from the village, maybe they wanted to scare you, wanting to scare you, so you wouldn’t come back?

You didn’t want to think about it anymore. Quickly washing yourself to get rid of these thoughts. You got out of the bath and got dressed for bed. Your were tired after today, and all you wanted to do now was sleep.

You layed down next to the King, back facing him. You felt him move behind you, then out of nowhere he wrapped his arm around you, pulling you towards him. You gasped, not expecting him to do that. "I was serious earlier, when I said you weren’t allowed to go out alone anymore - you should know that, Y/n." He whispered into you ear, giving you goosebumps.

"I- I know that, your highness. I won’t do it gain." You tell him, trying to create some space between you two, but he just pulled you even closer.

He pressed his nose into your neck, inhaling your scent. "Good girl." Pressing a light kiss on your neck.

You shivered, the kiss giving you tingles. Never had a man done that to you, you didn’t know how that act.

"Now sleep."

And that’s exactly what you did. You did not notice how tired your were, you fell asleep almost instantly. Falling asleep in his arms for the first time since you two got married.

﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏

Taglist: @fangirl125reader @min-nicoleee @yzkyzkuniverse @safi4x @zoeshinelove

#bts #jeon jungko #jungkook fic #jungkook smut #jungkook x y/n #bts angst #bangtan #bts fic #bts imagination #bts smut #bts jungkook #jungkook imagine #jungkook fluff #jungkook x reader #jungkook #bts x reader #bts fanfic #kingdom au #armywriterssupport

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1engele · 4 years ago

Text

daybreak | sal fisher x fem!reader - 4. questions

Previous | Next

[warnings: cursing, smoking, death mention, sexual discussion, drug mention]

"every mile further, there's a part of me that slips away."

—

At lunch, you and Sal eventually locate the group's spot in the cafeteria. It felt almost like a walk of shame as the two of you approached and cautiously sat down at the table.

Todd, Ashley, and Larry all turn their heads toward you both. Normally, they'd most likely greet you as if nothing was wrong—which, to their knowledge, nothing was—but this time they were hesitant in saying anything. You could only guess they'd caught the wave as soon as you'd both sat down.

Larry looked calmer than he did in the car. You hoped Ashley and Todd talked him down.

"Alright, something's weird," Ashley's suspicious eyes flitted between you and Sal. "What happened?"

Sal looked you in the eye, before returning his gaze to Ash. "Nothing, we-"

You should have let Sal lie about it, but the fact he still wanted to be selfless and keep the peace made you angry on his behalf and was enough to make you cut in. "Something happened in class that pissed Travis off. In the hall, he fucking cuffed Sal in the face."

Larry jerks forward in his seat. You take advantage of his shock to keep speaking. "His shirt had blood all over it. That's why I gave him my sweater."

"What the fuck?" Ashley's eyes were wide, her entire expression forming into something furious. "We need to report him."

"No, we don't," Sal shakes his head. "It makes things worse. It wasn't even that bad. The blood was superficial. It didn't even take more than a minute for her-" he looks to you, clears his throat, and corrects himself. You guess he doesn't want any questions being asked about what happened in the girl's bathroom. "-for me to clean it up."

Todd swallows a bite of his sandwich and speaks up. "Sal may be right. It would make things worse. That doesn't mean it's justified, though—no matter what Travis is going through at home."

"You know what is justified?" Larry is seething in his spot. "Him getting his shit beat. When the day's over, I'm taking him behind the school and knocking the lights out of his fucking head."

Sal inhales beside you.

"Yeah—that's not going to do anything," you breathe. You feel the blue-haired boy shift beside you—like he'd turned his head your way. "I actually spoke to him on the first day of school."

Ashley's eyebrows fly up. "What? What did he say?"

"We were all in the hallway," you began to explain, slowly and steadily. "I'd seen him giving Sal weird looks earlier in class—and at that moment, he seemed off, too—just standing there at the far end of the hall."

You paused. "I don't know. I've seen it before. It was like he was gearing himself up to walk over and say something. So I took it upon myself to beat him to it. I went over, asked him what he was planning on doing—told him to pick his battles. He almost went over anyway, but I put my hand on him and told him how that wouldn't end well."

You swallowed and glanced around anxiously. "He looked at me, scoffed, and walked away."

Your hand raises to your neck. You absentmindedly drag your knuckles over your throat—a nervous habit. "I hope I didn't make things worse. If I'd known that maybe that was the reason he was pissed off today I wouldn't have done anything."

Sal hadn't looked away from you the entire time you'd been speaking. Carefully, he shifts in his seat to face you and starts: "No," he shakes his head. "He would have hit me anyway. What you said didn't make him do that. It's about what happened in class."

He glanced over the table before meeting your eyes again. "He's jealous. I think he wishes he had something like we- he wishes he had a friend. That's all. So don't blame yourself for Travis' actions like you caused them when all you were trying to do was defend me."

Tears form but you blink them away quickly. Something flashes behind Sal's eyes and he looks as if he's going to say something to console you but someone's speaking before he can. You look away first, settling your eyes on the table.

"What happened in class?" Ashley asks, slowly reaching for her bag of chips.

Sal's eyebrows twitch downward. "Nothing. I tried giving Y/N another answer and Mrs. Packerton gave us detention. That made Travis mad, for some reason."

Larry lets out a bittersweet laugh. "As funny as Mrs. Packerton giving you detention is-"

Sal rolls his eyes in your peripheral vision.

"-why would that make Travis mad? It's not like he's a goody-two-shoes. He barely gets by in school."

Sal shrugs. "Who knows. I really don't care what he thinks, anyway."

Larry is beside himself with frustration. You can tell it. He's tense and his jaw is hard. You know he's ready to get up and talk to the other side of the cafeteria and beat the fuck out of Travis but he knows he can't—because Sal doesn't want that.

"If I were you, I would have killed him already," Larry mutters. "Don't know how you do it, dude. I don't think you aren't capable of it."

The boy beside you falters. "I don't care about what he says to me. It's really about what he says to other people. When he started saying shit to Y/N—I, uh- I'll admit, I did sort of feel like hurting him."

Your heart skips a beat. Immediately after this happens, you feel like slapping yourself in the face for letting your hormones get the better of you.

You watch the rest of the table exchange glances you would've missed—had you blinked—before Ashley speaks. "Whatever. I just don't get why he lets his anger out on somebody who's done nothing to him."

After that, the conversation steadily drifts into something more lighthearted. Larry makes fun of you and Sal for getting detention for something you nearly got caught for the previous day. Todd recites facts about medieval times and Ashley for some reason thinks that it's hilarious and laughs.

You enjoy the rest of lunch, despite the earlier topic.

You've come to realize this school absolutely does not give a shit. You and Sal are accepted into detention without any further notice for your parents. As far as you know, the faculty hadn't contacted nor your mother or Sal's parents.

"Let me call my dad," Sal mumbles, as you both approach the door to detention. "When I'm not home in time he always thinks something bad's happened to me, haha."

He pulls his phone out of his back pocket and flips it open.

"I'd call my mom, but I don't think she'd care," you laugh. It isn't bitter, really—you just couldn't care less. "From how you turned out, I bet your mom is really cool."

Sal looks up from his phone. "Thank you. Uh, yeah. She was good to me."

You falter at the 'was' and ask a question even though you shouldn't have. "Are your parents separated, Sal?"

He falters, waves the phone in his hand a little. "My mother, ah- is dead, Y/N."

Dread plunges to the bottom of your gut like a heavy rock and weighs your insides down. You feel like the biggest idiot known to the world—and you feel even stupider now that you can't muster the words up to apologize to him.

Eventually, you collect yourself—only to spiral yourself downward into further shame.

"Sal, I am so sorry," you breathe. "I should have caught on sooner."

He seems almost surprised concerning your sincerity, eyebrows raising and his eyes widening. Sal quickly raises his hands and waves them, his demeanor appearing distraught. "No! No, don't feel bad. There's no way you could've known. I don't talk about family much."

You breathe in slowly. "I'm such a horrible person. Here I am, complaining about calling my mother, and.."

He blinks down at you sincerely, glances both ways down the hall, and returns his gaze to you, and speaks: "Do you want to just get out of here?"

Your head jerks upward. You swallow the saliva that had pooled in your mouth and fumble for a response. "What do you mean?"

Sal breathily laughs. "We'll get in a lot of trouble for this—but you only live once, right?" He shifts his weight and takes a step closer to you. "Let's just ditch the detention. Me and you."

Your heart jumps. "Don't you have really good grades? Sal, what if-"

"That doesn't matter," he blurts. You meet his eyes. The blue in them cast something familiar onto you—exhaustion. Numbness. The want to feel, the want to be exhilarated.

You don't know this boy very well—but you see something of yourself in him. A person who's kept between the lives most of their life, but they're just itching to break through that wall.

Sal is bored. He's sad. And he wants the thrill.

"Let's do it."

You and Sal both escape the school in a matter of a few minutes. Leaving involved a lot of unnecessary running and giggling and navigating through halls—but you make it out and breathe in the crisp, autumn air. It further dries your parched throat and rustles your hair.

"Wow," Sal breathes, beside you, as you both stand with feet firmly planted on the concrete. You're a few yards away from the school, enough distance between you and the building to where you can feel comfortable. "Never done anything like that before."

You laugh. "We ditched detention, Sal. We didn't run from the law."

"To my standards, we may as well have." He meets your eyes, the breeze blowing past his blue hair. "What do you want to do next?"

You take Sal to a playground. It takes a little while of absentminded walking and searching for something to appear, but eventually your eyes catch on that swing set and you can't resist.

"Come on!" You grin and run towards it.

He laughs behind you, and follows you a little less excitedly, taking his time with walking.

You sit side by side. You dig the toe of your shoe into the ground and push yourself into a steady rock, back and forth. The chains squeak which each movement of the swing.

"Hey, Sal?"

He looks over at you, his hair rustling with the autumn breeze. The more you look at it, the more jarring the contrast becomes—the blue against the backdrop of orange and red trees and the dull sky. "Yeah?"

"Wanna play 20 questions?"

Sal blinks toward you. He brings his hands up to grip the chains attached to his swing. "Sure."

"Okay. Just one rule-"

"Don't ask for your bra size?"

You laugh. "No. If you really want to know, it's-"

He waves a hand hurriedly. You notice the strain in his voice when he replies. "I was just kidding. What's the rule?"

"No boring questions. That's it."

Sal chuckles. "I'm a boring person, so I can't really promise that."

No, you're not, you thought.

"Prove me wrong. You go first."

"Favorite color?"

You chuckle, kicking dirt up from the ground as you push yourself into a steady rock, back and forth. "Wow. What a question. Uh... I don't know. There's a lot of great colors." You glance toward him, shivering as a gust of wind brushes your clothed shoulders. "Blue."

He inclines his head toward you. "It's your turn, now."

You pause. "I'll ask you the same thing. What's your favorite color?"

"Yellow. If you could choose a way to die, how would you? Old age or something peaceful doesn't count."

The abruptness of the shift in topic makes you laugh. "I'd like to be struck by lightning."

He peers at you curiously. "Why?"

"Does that count as one of your questions?"

Sal fingers at the chains of his swing. "Yeah, sure."

You shrug your shoulders, sucking your front teeth behind your lips. "I don't know, honestly. I'd like to know how it feels. It would probably just feel like fire, and it would fucking hurt—but wouldn't it be kind of cool? Have you seen a photo of someone after being struck by lightning?"

He giggles, lifts a foot and presses the bottom of his shoe against the other one. "Does that count as one of your questions?"

"Shut up. Have you?"

"No. What's it look like?"

You grin. "It's like.. tree roots. Or a branch with leaves on it—but it's a scar. You'd have to see it to understand."

Sal looks as though he's about to say something else—probably tease you for your strange fixation on lightning strike victims—but you beat him to the punch. "My turn. What's your favorite song?"

"Memories and Dreams, Sanity's Fall."

You raise your eyebrows. "Metal? Well, now that I think about it, you seem the type."

"Larry actually introduced me to it. I didn't really listen to anything before I met him. Alright, I'll ask you the same question. Favorite song?"

"Wonderwall, Oasis."

"That one's pretty recent," he hums, pauses, and thinks about it. "Yeah. That sounds like you. I like it."

You smile shyly. "It's not metal, sorry. Can we still be friends?"

Sal exhales through his nose amusedly. "No. You don't like the same music genre as me. Friendship over."

You laugh. "Well, I never said I didn't like metal. Anyway, my question is.. when's your birthday?"

"December 20th."

Your eyebrows raise. "Holy shit. You're nearly a Jesus baby."

Sal chuckles. "I'm far from being the second coming. It's 5 days off, anyway."

That makes him a Sagittarius. You're pretty familiar with the general traits of the zodiac signs—personality traits, physical traits, sexual tendencies—like a lot of teenagers nowadays.

Well, if he's true to the zodiac, he has a high sex drive.

Your face feels hot. You're a creep, your brain says.

A few questions pass by. He asks about your birthday, you ask him his favorite movie, etc. You're nearing the end of the game, and it's been a decent amount of time. It feels almost too soon when the sun begins to drift down in the sky.

"Alright, my turn," you say after you've answered the question Sal had just asked you.

"Shoot."

"Are you a virgin?"

A tense moment passes, and you seriously regret asking. All you can hear is your heart thrumming in your ears and your blood rushing towards it and through all of you.

He meets your eyes evenly. "Yeah. Obviously."

"I don't believe you," you reply, immediately.

His eyebrows raise. "Why not?"

You hope he can't hear your pulse. "Because. You answered that way too smoothly."

"That makes no sense. If I were lying, I wouldn't have been as cool about it."

You narrow your eyes. "That's not just it, though. Why hasn't someone fucked you?"

If the abruptness of your question shocked you, it certainly shocked him. Sal laughed loudly like he was in disbelief—swaying his head away from you. His knuckles grow white around the swing chains.

His head turns back and his eyes meet yours straight on. "What are you trying to say?"

"Oh my god," you slapped a hand over your mouth. "I sounded so ignorant just now. Sorry. I'm not shaming you—that would make me a hypocrite. I'm a virgin too."

Sal huffs out another laugh, breathily this time. "No, I didn't think you were being ignorant. That's not what I was asking you."

You pause. "Then.." You plant your feet on the ground and stop the sway the swing is in. The sun continues to drop further down in the sky, and it's golden light warms your face.

You look away from him, your heart beating against your ribs. "Hey, I have an idea."

When you turned your head Sal's way, his attention was already on you. "Yeah?"

"You said that you drive, right?"

"Yeah. Not legally. But I can drive. Why do you ask?"

You grin.

By the time you've arrived at the apartments, the sun has fully dropped out of the sky and the heavens were completely black—save for the full moon and the speckles of bright stars. This is one of the things you love about Nockfell—it's so far out. The lack of air pollution and chemicals below the clouds made the celestial bodies out there so much clearer.

"My dad's going to kill me," Sal muttered, as he forced his personal key into the door to his apartment.

"Hey, Sal, you know we don't have to-"

His head turns to you. "I never said that. I want to."

Sal pulls the key out and slowly turns the knob beneath his long fingers. Instead of easing the door at a steady pace, he holds on tighter to the knob and pushes it open quickly. For a moment, you almost scolded him for his recklessness—until you realized he'd done this so the door wouldn't whine on its hinges.

"Have you snuck in or out before?" You ask him, voice low as you watch him lean down to take his shoes off before he enters the apartment. "Why are you doing that?"

"These floorboards are shit. They creak under the carpet. Wait here."

He leaves his cornflower blue sneakers at the foot of the door and walks inside. You watch the back of his head as his figure disappears into the darkness of the room. Sure enough, he was right. His feet only emanate soft pats against the carpet and don't disturb the wood beneath—because he's only wearing socks. You hear the sound of keys before he returns to you.

"You didn't answer my question," you murmur with a teasing lilt, as he slides the door back into its place in the frame. He locks it back and turns to you.

"Not like this. I especially haven't stolen his car."

You laugh. "I hope I'm not becoming a bad influence on you. We've already ditched detention today.."

"Yeah, but that was my idea," he reminds you.

"I guess you're right. Do you think your dad will be mad at you?"

You loom over him as he forces his feet back into his sneakers. "Honestly? Probably. I've never done anything like that before. Getting detention is one thing, but leaving the school before actually attending it is something else entirely."

The both of you enter the elevator instead of going down the stairs. It's late, this complex is shit, and the stairwell wouldn't be lit.

Somehow, it hadn't crossed either of your minds that taking this elevator so late wouldn't be exactly wise either, but you'd stepped inside of the compartment anyways.

You stepped to Sal's left and watched him press the button for the first floor with his knuckle. As soon as he'd done that, and the elevator doors had slid closed, the singular light that illuminated the compartment flicked off and the both of you stood in abrupt darkness.

"Holy shit!" You exclaimed, jutting yourself into Sal's side and grasping the material of your sweater that he wore. "I'm sorry, but what the fuck? Did it just break?"

"No," he laughed, shifting his weight towards you. "It always does that in the night. I think it's to conserve power so the elevator doesn't break altogether."

You let go of him, embarrassment fluttering in your gut. You weren't sure whether to feel relief as you felt the elevator make it's descent downward. "I mean.. shouldn't there be a sign? I don't know.. that says something like.."

"'You aren't about to plummet to your death, the building's just really old?'" Sal finished your sentence for you and chuckled. "Yeah. If someone had a heart attack, they could sue. But the guy that runs this place is really old and doesn't really have family—so that would just be sad."

You're close enough to him to where you can feel him shrug. "There's an awful lot about this place that's rundown and weird and honestly sketchy, but Addison doesn't care. For instance, the college kids that live in 301? They spend all of their free time doing coke and heroin."

Your eyebrows raise into your hairline as you listen along.

"They're super nice people, and I don't mean to be rude at all, but god, you can smell the body rot inside of that apartment. It's really sad."

You look to him. "You've.. been inside of there," It wasn't a question—more of a statement.

"Yeah. I did coke with them once or twice."

You get whiplash, that's how fast your head whips toward him. "Sal," you breathe. "I don't mean to sound overbearing, but please don't do that. Ever again."

He huffs, but not of frustration. It's of resignation and understanding and shame. "I.. I'll admit it to you, Y/N, that shit is a lot more addictive than it's made out to be. I'm not going to tell you how I felt because I don't want to make it out to be enticing—but I can understand why they're addicts. I'd only done it a few times and it felt like any time I wasn't doing it I itched for it. Eventually, I got busier with school and other things—so after a while, I.. guess I sort of forgot."

You hear him turn his head to look at you. You barely make out his prosthetic face in the black. "I'll smoke cigarettes with you, Y/N, but I'll never introduce you to something like cocaine. By the way you reacted when I told you I'd done it, I hope you won't do it yourself."

You meet his eyes amidst the darkness. "You know, Sal," your gaze wanders to the elevator doors. The compartment shutters as it reaches its destination on the ground floor. Your fingers brush his with purpose. "I know of a lot better feelings that don't come from drugs."

Your heartbeat sounds like gushing blood in your ears. You feel his burning blue eyes on the back of your head.

At the same time as you're stepping out of the elevator, you've stepped into something else.

#sally face #sally face x reader #sal fisher x reader

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headheartbellarke · 4 years ago

Text

HOME | Charlie Gillespie

Requested by anon: "Hi! If request are open can you do a charlie imagine where him and the reader (she/her) met on a project a while back and have been friends for a while, but the reader kinda had a crappy home life so she gets overwhelmed by charlies family being so loving and perfect and she basically breaks down and feels like she doesn’t fit in and isn’t good enough for him? please and thank you so much, ur writing is amazing!!!"

PAIRING(s): Charlie Gillespie x fem! reader

WARNING(s): mentions of abuse, trauma, anxiety, angst, fluff

WORDS: 2,036

SUMMARY: charlie takes co-star and girlfriend y/n home for christmas but that leads to self doubt in her (im so bad at these) [note: this takes place in 2021]

As Charlie pulls out the key from the ignition, I sigh, wringing my hands nervously. He unbuckles his seatbelt and faces me, giving me a bright, happy smile.

“My family is so excited to meet you.” He says, reaching forward to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear.

“What if they hate me?” I whisper.

My boyfriend, Charlie, and I first met on the set of Charmed – we were both in the first episode, but I left it after that due to scheduling conflicts with my other show, Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. I had been a part of CAOS since its first episode – I played the role of Sabrina’s cousin, Sarah Spellman.

Back then, we were just friends. After I left Charmed, we would text and call each other occasionally. Whenever we were in the same city, we would meet up – but that was hard considering we both had quite different lives. So, we didn’t think of each other as more than friends – sure I thought that he was attractive, but that’s it.

But, in 2020, after CAOS was cancelled, I got a call from the casting director of Julie and The Phantoms: she was the one who had previously cast me in CAOS, and she believed that I’d be perfect for the role of Julie’s British cousin who joins her school after her parents relocate to LA – I also play Reggie’s love interest.

I texted Charlie immediately after my manager finalized all the details for the new role. He had been excited and when shooting started in 2021, we were pretty inseparable.

After a few weeks, I had developed a major crush on him ad the rest of the cast had also picked up on that. They were also convinced that Charlie liked me (which I didn’t believe at that time but later found out that it was, indeed, true) and they used to tease us about it all the time. Finally, a couple weeks before production ended, he asked me out on a date and it’s been really, really great so far.

We’ve been dating for about nine months now and honestly, he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. He’s my home – all my life I’ve always felt lost, but I feel like I truly belong with him.

Now, he laughs. “Baby. I promise you – they already love you. My mother’s been bugging me to bring you home ever since we started dating, and you’ve already met Megan, and she loves you.”

“If you say so.” I say, still not convinced.

He grins and we get out of his car and face his childhood home. I take a deep breath, shaking off my nerves. He knocks three times on the front door, and it opens immediately after.

A petite, blonde woman steps out, with a wide smile on her face. She opens her arms as Charlie yells, “Mamacita!”

“Mon chéri. Ça fait trop longtemps!”

“Je vous ai manqué!”

I have absolutely no idea what they are saying, but the scene in front of me is so heart-warming. Charlie’s mother is genuinely happy to see her son – one can tell by the way she’s holding him, almost like he’s a little child. Charlie is quite a couple inches taller than her, but he’s nestled his face into her shoulder.

I can’t stop a grin from breaking out on my face. It’s honestly rather lovely. But I also feel a slight pang in my heart knowing that no one ever greets me like this when I go home.

They separate from each other and she squeezes his shoulders, looking at him with so much love that I have to look away. I have never seen a mother look at their child like that, with such intense love. That’s dumb, I know. Mothers are supposed to love their children. But all my mother ever looks at me with is disappointment, anger, disgust, and – you get it.

She notices me next and claps her hands. “You must be Y/N!”

“Hi, Mrs. Gillespie. It’s so nice to meet you!” I extend a hand toward her.

“Aw, come here! You’re gorgeous.”

She pulls me in for a hug too, and for a moment I’m engulfed by the smell of white musk and the feeling of warmth.

We pull apart and I smile at her, genuinely. All my anxiety has washed away.

“My son is always talking about you, about how pretty you are and –”

“Let’s go inside!” Charlie quickly cuts her off, eyes widened as I laugh.

“But I wanna know what he says!”

�� Mrs Gillespie winks at me as Charlie turns scarlet. “I’ll tell you when he’s gone.”

***

Another roar of laughter erupts around the dinner table.

Honestly, I’ve never seen a family like this – a family so connected, so loving. All of Charlie’s siblings – from his three older brothers to his little sister are here for Christmas Eve, and all of them are teasing each other, telling childhood stories, and just having the best time. I was, too. That was until I suddenly realized how I don’t fit in here.

Everyone here grew up completely different than I did. When I was young, about two years old – my dad left my mom and I for another woman. I haven’t seen him since – although, he sends me a postcard and some money on holidays and birthdays. He’s travelling around the world with his new wife and is apparently ‘happier than he’s ever been.’

The reason he left is because kids ‘freak’ him out and he isn’t ‘ready’ for that kind of responsibility. I mean, it wasn’t like he was fifteen when he had me: he was twenty-seven, and already married to my mother for about two years then.

Naturally, my mother blames me for her divorce. I was born out of an accidental pregnancy, so my mother made sure to remind me every day that I was unwanted, and my birth was what ‘pushed’ him to leave us. Every single day, my mother told me that I shouldn’t have been born, that I was a mistake, that I was worthless, unlovable and so, so many more horrible things. She used to drink like crazy, and if I accidentally faced her in that state, she would sometimes hit me.

Years and years of abuse and all that childhood trauma led me to develop a fear of abandonment, trust issues, intimacy issues, anxiety, and depression. Throughout school, I had been closed off, unable to form relationships and friendships with other people. I had feared anything and everything – I couldn’t even maintain eye contact with people.

Of course, when I auditioned for CAOS and moved away to LA, away from that toxic environment, I got help and turned my life around. (My mother was incredibly happy to see me go since she had married another guy and now has a family with him – so I was the only thing left that reminded her of my father.) I learnt to accept, prioritize, and love myself – but I’m still working on that, of course.

But, I know, deep down, no matter how well I am, or how happy I am – there will always be a part of me that’s broken. I’ve grown to accept that, accept the fact that I’ll always carry the trauma with me.

But Charlie doesn’t. He’s lived a good life, and he deserves someone who can give him their everything – and that’s not me.

As much as I hate to say it, I’m not good enough for him.

He senses a change in my demeanour and squeezes my hand under the table. I give him a weak smile.

***

“Y/N/N, what’s wrong?”

I look up at my boyfriend. He has a look of concern on his face as he takes a seat next to me on the couch.

I sigh into the quiet. Everyone has fallen asleep, except Charlie and I – we are seated in his living room in front of the fireplace.

“Nothing. I’m just really tired.”

“That’s not true, Y/N. You were fine throughout dinner – oh my god, it’s the ice cream, isn’t it?”

“What?”

“The pistachio ice cream that Maman made. It was weirdly bitter, eh? It’s okay, you can tell me.”

I purse my lips. “No, Charlie. The ice cream was great.”

“Are you sure? You’ve been down since desert.”

“It’s not the ice cream, babe.”

“Okay, then, what is it?”

He looks at me expectantly, and I can sense that he’s feeling anxious.

“I just – I realized that I don’t fit in.”

He furrows his brows, but before he can say anything, I start speaking again. “Charlie, you have such a loving and perfect family. And you know how I grew up. What I went through. So, you know that I’m not used to this. I’m not – I’ve never seen love like this in a family, you know. And I don’t fit in here! While your mother was being so nice to me, I kept wondering when she’s going to scream at me. Or when your father was genuinely interested in me, I kept thinking that maybe he’s trying to find a way to get rid of me. It’s just – it’s just the way I grew up, and I’ll always be like this, Char. Your family is so nice, and it shocks me, honestly. And I think that maybe it’s better if you date someone who grew up the way you did, someone who’s like you. Because I have been broken my whole life, and I don’t think that I can give you everything that you need. I don’t think I’m good enough for you. You’re the best person that I’ve ever met, and I think you should be with someone who’s worthy of you.”

I whisper the last part, and feel a teardrop fall into the space between my collarbones. I look down because I’m too afraid of what he might say.

I hear him breathe out heavily and I feel him take my hands in his.

“Don’t you ever say that.”

“But it’s true –”

“Y/N. Don’t you dare doubt yourself. You are good enough. No, you’re perfect. You’re the strongest woman I know. I completely understand why you feel what you’re feeling right now.”

He scoots closer to me and cups my cheeks in his hands. “And it’s okay. It’s okay to feel that way. It’s okay to feel shocked. That doesn’t make you a bad person, nor does it make you not good enough. In fact, it makes all the stronger – you went through so much as a kid, and still, you have space in your heart for me. You know, I never doubt the fact that you love me, ever. Because you always make me feel special, make me feel good about myself and always make sure that I’m happy. You always go out of your way to take care of me, and you always make me feel at home. I don’t want anyone other than you. I love you so much and I never, ever wanna lose you.”

I think I’m fully crying now, as Charlie continues, “It’s okay to feel that way. Take your time. But I’m never leaving you. You’re my person, and you’ll always fit in with me, baby. Always.”

“Charlie…”

I look at him properly, and I can see the pain in his eyes as a tear traces along the curve of his cheek. He sniffs, saying, “I’m sorry. I just can’t imagine being with anyone other than you.”

“Why are you so good to me?” I whisper, my throat still tight from the emotions.

“Because you deserve someone good, and I can only hope that I’m good for you.”

I wrap my arms around his neck and bury my face in his shoulder as a sob escapes my body. “I’m so sorry, baby. So, so sorry.” I keep whispering that, while he rubs my back, saying ‘it’s okay.’

“I love you so much, Charlie. Honestly, thanks for being so good to me. You have no idea what you mean to me.”

I can feel him smile as he says, “I think I have a pretty good idea, yeah.”

***

jatp requests are open <3

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yannowhatigiveup · 4 years ago

Text

My One And Only - Chapter 8

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So this chapter is longer than the previous one and hOpefuLly my writing will get better with each new chapter. One can only hope. And I’m updating this daily cuz I wanna be caught up with all of my chapters so I don’t forget to post one by accident. But the daily updates will unfortunately stop after chapter 13, I guess. For now, enjoy! *totally not debating if I should post chapter 9* also Gabriel, no

Uncle Jagged: Nettie! I got everything ready. Wanna record a bonus track for my new album?

'Oh god'

—————————————————————

Marinette kept rereading the message to make sure she had read it correctly. The message never changed. "Oh Tikki what if my voice sounds horrible? Uncle Jagged will be disappointed and then he won't have me as his designer anymore! He'll probably tell everything to everyone, to Gabriel Agreste, Clara, Chloe's mother and to the whole public!"

"Calm down Marinette!" Tikki flew out the bag and hugged the bluenette's face. "I'm sure you'll do just fine!"

"Thanks Tikki" Marinette said hesitantly. She then approached the hotel doors and towards the elevators. She had felt the gaze of the receptionists and one of them had got up with the intention to talk to her, only to be dragged back down by the fellow receptionist, the one who Marinette talked to yesterday. The bluenette had taken full notice of this but chose to ignore it. She then reached Damian's hotel room and knocked on the door. She heard something metallic drop on the floor followed by a slightly muffled word. Marinette knew exactly what he said but she was confused. She then heard the same voice again though much clearer this time.

"You can come in, the door is unlocked"

~~~

Damian had just finished showering, he was half dressed when he got a message from 'Angel'. He had changed used this nickname as her contact name.

Angel: I got an hour and half till my meeting with Uncle J, you want me to come over?

Damian smiled. Honestly, if he could he would give all his time to her.

Me: Sure, come over whenever you want I don't mind

He was about to put his shirt on when he got an urge to practice with his katana, which he did. He made a mental note about getting dressed soon and he went to the case which his katana was located. He then practiced different stances as well as practicing different motions with the blade. He thought of the bluenette. When he first met her, she struck him as someone defenseless and vulnerable. But he now had the feeling she could take down someone twice her size. Though, that didn't stop him from feeling obligated to protect her. He had become so focused that when someone knocked he tensed. Not that much but enough to loose grip of his katana. The blade sunk into his skin and left quite a deep cut on his upper arm and on the right side of his chest, causing him to drop his katana.

"Scheiße!" He didn't react to the pain, it was the thought of Marinette walking in on this situation. 'Since when do I know German?' "You can come in, the door is unlocked" 'Damn it that's not what I meant!'

Marinette opened the unlocked door to see a shirtless Damian. She probably would've metaphorically died at that point if she didn't take notice to the whole situation. Not only was he shirtless, he was bleeding. 'How did-' she noticed the katana. 'Oh, makes sense now'. The bluenette then sprinted into action. She closed the door behind her, put her bag down quickly but still being mindful of Tikki and turned her attention to the now flustered Damian. She grabbed the arm that wasn't cut and carefully dragged him onto the sofa, she also looked at the katana on her way there while taking some mental notes. 'Looks clean, no rust or scratches that could contain bacteria and seems so have been cleaned thoroughly before use. Great! That makes my job easier'.

"What are you-"

"Hush Shaytan" Marinette interrupted while going to the bathroom, searching for one of those medkits. "Let me take care of you" she said while getting one of the disinfectants in the kit. Marinette then carefully rubbed the liquid into his wounds.

"It stings" he grumbled.

"Awww don't worry little Dami, it will stop stinging soon" Marinette said lightheartedly, as if she was comforting Manon.

"Tt I am not five" he grumbled again. He shifted his body so that Marinette could properly bandage his chest and right arm. After she was done, he flexed his arm. 'She did extremely well' "Thank you, Angel. You really are a life saver". He subconsciously smirked when he saw her face turn a shade of pink.

"Thanks, did I bandage it correctly? I hope I did, oh no what happens if it doesn't heal correctly? What happens if-" she suddenly stopped as Damian had pulled her in close to his chest.

"Honestly you did perfectly Habibti, there's no need to worry" he stroked his fingers through her deep blue hair as a way to calm her down further, but he himself enjoyed it. He knew how Marinette would always think that she's the one at fault and he came up with a way to calm her down. From the looks of it, it was working.

Marinette blushed when Damian had pulled her into his chest, even more so when she felt his fingers brush through her hair. It felt like it had genuine emotion with it, not only just to make her feel better. She took advantage of being close to his chest, his wounds, and used her powers outside the mask to let the wound heal faster. Now knowing that it would heal soon, she enjoyed his embrace, burying herself further into his muscular body. The she remembered something. "So what are we gonna do about your spilt blood?"

"You say that like I deal with this often" he said with a smug looking face. Marinette then had a 'I know you do' face. He jokingly sighed. "I shall clean it and before you object, I feel fine enough to do a simple task such as this." Her giggling brought a smile to his face. "Also have you worked out what Jagged Stone has in mind for you?"

"I'll tell you that after you tell me how you know German" Marinette shifted so that he could get up. "If I recall, you told me that you were fluent in French, Arabic, English and Spanish and that you were learning Japanese. I don't remember German ever coming up" she said in a jokingly serious tone.

"Actually I'm fluent in Japanese now" Damian murmured while getting something from one of his cases, 'Something to clean the blood I suppose' "I was taught an easy way to learn languages, I might have crossed German once before but if so I just forgot about it. Also, how do you know German?"

"Well if you have any interest in learning a new language you'd want to know the swear words, am I right?" She giggled.

"Fair point" he chuckled while allowing his blood to soap into something he brought, a tissue or towel perhaps. "Now, do you know what Jagged Stone's surprise is for you?"

"Yeah, he wants me to record a bonus track for his album"

Damian paused just as he had finished disinfecting his katana. "Wow, that's great Angel!"

"Yes I'm very grateful to Uncle Jagged for organizing all this but what if I sound horrible? I do want to do it for him really, I don't want to turn the offer down but I-"

"Angel, there is no need to worry. If you're not comfortable with it you can tell Jagged, he'll understand. But I'm sure you have a beautiful voice"

"You really think so?" Marinette murmured. Damian nodded. She gave him a thank you smile before saying, "So, what's this quick way of learning a language? I've got 30 minutes"

Damian chuckled. "Well the first thing you would want to know is..."

~~~

'Marinette Dupain-Cheng, the only one in class whose been able to stop herself from getting akumatized. She must be very strong, physically and mentally. My point was proven when she became Multimouse, wearing nearly every miraculous that I've ever heard or come across. Ladybug must trust her greatly. I must find a way to akumatize her'

Gabriel Agreste stood in his observatory after recently detransforming. 'She can control her emotions well but when she's angry, it's incredibly strong. This girl could be one of the strongest in Paris, she could be one that senses auras. I must find a way. I will use her to eliminate all of heroes. All I need is time'.

———

Taglist: @little-bluestar, @miracleofadisaster, @frieddonutsweets, @jjmjjktth, @genderfluidmoma, @starlit-dreaming (ur the one who wanted to get tagged right? I’m so sorry I forget to write your name down so I’m not sure-), @icerosecrystal

#daminette #damian x marinette #maribat #maridami #marinette x damian #mlb x dc #did I get the taglist right please correct me if I didn’t

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