#if they weren't wasting it on me going to college and failing my classes

[moss-and-marimos]

.

[looselipssinkships-x]

fall out boy lyrics that make me think of the places i grew up

this town is wasted and alone -- death valley -- when i visit, if I'm lucky i get to drive around, and the nothingness is crushing. You go to school, you graduate, if you're upper or middle class you go to college, probably the local one an hour away. You have to drive an hour to get to the good grocery store, twenty minutes to the shitty one. You marry your high school sweetheart, or someone you met in college, you settle down and have kids. You have at least one family member who works for a company you're pretty sure is still just a factory, even though they have fancier names for it now. I look out the window of my parents' house and i can barely see the neighbors' house.

you were the last good thing about this part of town -- grand theft autumn/where is your boy -- i left my best friend in the city i moved from and god i miss her so fucking much. Every time i visit it's like we were never apart. Every time i leave we both wonder if we'd have made it had i not moved away.

i can't remember the good old days -- 27 -- your parents' house is supposed to feel like being a kid, running around carefree. I have not lived with my parents for eight years but every time i visit i wake up with that same chest crushing anxiety and it does not go away. Even when i get back out east it takes me days to feel like a person again.

every pane of glass that your pebbles tap/negates the pains I went through to avoid you/and every little pat on the shoulder for attention/fails to mention I still hate you -- chicago is so two years ago -- i did not visit for almost two years, and then only did so because my grandmother was dying. Had she not been, it would have likely been so much longer. I spent those two years hating that small town, because i thought if i hated it i wouldn't miss it, and it all hurt so much that it wasn't hard to try to hate it. (that didn't work, because even though it hurt, it was still home)

I know I should be home/all the colors of the street signs, they remind me of the/pickup truck out in front of your neighbor's house -- chicago is so two years ago -- it's the little things that get me, the parts that weren't so bad, the parts that were even good, the parts that killed me to leave behind. The first dance class i took out east i sobbed the entire two mile walk home.

whoa, can't do it by myself -- reinventing the wheel to run myself over -- this one gets me because every time everything just feels like too much, it's amplified by the fact that i did this to myself, i chose to move away from everyone and everything i ever knew, and it's therefore my responsibility to indeed, do it by myself

we're the kids who feel like dead ends//and the poets are just kids who didn't make it -- i've got a dark alley and a bad idea that says you should shut your mouth (summer song) -- literally all of my friends from home don't quite fit the midwestern mold, and we're all mentally ill creative types. We're in our mid twenties now and have felt like burn outs for years

I swear I'd burn this city down to show you the light -- sophomore slump or comeback of the year -- the same best friend from earlier. I worry the small town is crushing her and she's so, so bright.

the best way to make it through with hearts and wrists intact is to realize two out of three ain't bad -- i'm like a lawyer with the way i'm always trying to get you off (me & you) -- you make sacrifices to survive. Mental, emotional, physical, everyone's sacrificing something just to make it through.

it's all a game of this or that, now versus then/better off against worse for wear/and you're someone who knows someone who knows someone/I once knew, and I just want to be a part of this -- hum hallelujah -- the duality of living in such a small town where everyone knows everyone and still feeling like you have no place to belong

literally all of g.i.n.a.s.f.s. but especially: everybody wants to drive on through the night if it's a drive back home//things aren't the same anymore, some nights, they get so bad//i sleep with your old shirts and walk through this house//it's a strange way of saying that I know I'm supposed to love you, I'm supposed to love you//I've already given up on myself twice third time is the charm//threw caution to the wind, but I've got a lousy arm -- ioh was my first fob cd, and i listened to it on repeat the summer i spent commuting from my parents house to the hospital in the city to camp until i finally got an apartment. This was also the year i spent coming out to myself, terrified of the future and expectations i knew I'd never meet. I was also in love with one of my best friends and god it hurts so much for your first love to feel so wrong

I will never end up like him/behind my back, I already am -- headfirst slide into cooperstown on a bad bet -- when i first moved to the east coast i swore I'd assimilate and no one would know where i came from, but the second I'd open my mouth it would be "oh what part of the midwest are you from?" Over time I've learned to make peace with the parts of myself that are so unavoidably rural and midwestern, but there were parts i resented for a long time, because it felt like I'd never be free from where i grew up

I don't know where I'm going/but I don't think I'm coming home -- alone together -- i remember driving home from a college course i was taking my senior year of high school and just, dreaming of driving on, starting somewhere new

and in the end/i'll do it all again -- the kids aren't alright -- if things had been different, if i'd grown up differently, i wouldn't be who i am today. Also i almost got these lyrics tattooed on my thigh. Still might tbh

you were the sunshine of my lifetime/what would you trade the pain for?//and I just about snapped, don't look back//what would you trade the pain for? I'm not sure -- love from the other side -- leaving was, and is, so goddamn hard. Every time i visit my best friend, my grandparents, i have to remind myself why i left, and why i can't go back, and so much of that focuses on looking forward because if i look at the past too much i begin to romanticize the pain

scar crossed lovers, forever -- heaven, iowa -- i am so inexplicably, irreversibly bound to the people i grew up with like some sort of fucked up trauma bonding. Out here on the east coast, in the cities, it's just different. Even people who grew up east coast "rural," it's not the same. It's strong with friends from the city i moved from and even stronger with my friend who grew up in the same county.

[uncloseted]

Do you have any advice for being a better student in college? This is my first semester at a new school and I feel bad because I didn't do good. I didn't fail but I didn't get the grades I wanted and I feel like I wasted all my time and I'll never get those opportunities back, and it makes me depressed. I want to do better next semester

I think that really depends on why you were struggling in your first semester. What do you feel like you were wasting your time on that wasn't your classes? Is there a way to find a happy medium between the things you were distracted by and the work that you want to get done? Is it that the classes you were taking weren't interesting to you or that they're subjects that you're not naturally good at? Are there subjects that might be easier or more interesting for you? Are you struggling with a learning disability or mental health issue that's making it difficult for you to do well in your classes, and, if so, are there accommodations that your school could provide to even the playing field for you? Were you just struggling to adjust to a new environment and a new way of learning? There are a million reasons why your first semester might have gone badly, and until you know why it was hard, it will be difficult to figure out how to fix it.

All that said, there are some things that I think are generally good ideas to make college easier:

At the beginning of each semester, look at the syllabus for the class. Notice which areas of the class are the most important (homework, exams, participation), and make sure you're putting your effort into whichever area is the bulk of your grade. Sometimes it's worth knowing which areas of a class you can skimp on and still get a good grade.

Look at the syllabus for the class and put any key assignments into your phone's schedule or a physical planner. Figure out when you're going to start each assignment and put those in your schedule or planner as well. I know every professor tells you to do this and nobody ever does, but doing a little bit of work on an assignment every day really is way easier than doing the entire thing in one go the night before. (I say this, but this could never be me. My ADHD brain has never started anything in advance ever in my life).

Go to class. I know it's really easy to skip classes because you feel like doing something else (and that's fine once in a while), but a lot of the time, just showing up will help you understand enough of the material that you're not lost when you start studying or working on an assignment.

Similarly, skim the readings. You don't have to read them all- there's usually just not enough time for that- but getting a general idea of what the point is makes a big difference when those readings are discussed in class and on your overall grasp of the topics. I think there are also some websites/apps that will summarize the reading for you and pull out the big ideas if you're short on time. Simple English Wikipedia and the r/explainlikeimfive subreddit are also great resources for easy to understand explanations of simple topics.

See if your school has on-campus tutors. The tutors are usually free, and it's way easier to learn in a one-on-one environment than it is to learn in a big lecture hall. Plus, the tutors will help to make sure your work is getting done on time.

Similarly, go to office hours. Pretty much nobody ever goes, and so they're a really good time to talk to your professor one-on-one and get them to clarify anything you're struggling with. Plus, in my experience, professors bump up the grades of students who they like and who are engaged in their class.

In terms of how to actually study, this article from UNC Chapel Hill is a really good resource, and I would highly recommend checking it out.

On a larger scale, I think it's important to remember that for the most part, your college grades don't really matter. If you want to apply to graduate school or a very competitive job, your GPA might be relevant, but in general, the adage that "Cs get degrees" is true. A lot of the time, getting a job has more to do with internships and networking than it does with your grades or which school you went to. That's not to say that you shouldn't study hard or that grades aren't important, but just to say that not doing well in college isn't going to ruin the rest of your life, even if you never get the grades that you want. It's okay to cut yourself a little slack if you need it. Figuring out how to learn, how to manage tasks, and how to be an adult is a part of college that's as important as the actual grades you get.

[beautifulmorningstar]

Thinking about the violin teacher who shook her head and told my mom "your daughter will be bad at math" when I was 5 years old

The class teachers who told my mother "she's very active in class but she talks too much" when I was 6, and 7, and 8...

"She fights with the boys," deadpanned my male class teacher when I was 10, even though half the boys decided that made me their friend (the other half went with enemy)

About the English teacher who said "you my girl, are larger than life and you should always keep that" when I was 12

The beloved piano teacher who said "it's okay to be a lesbian" before I even realized my sexuality at 15

The other English teacher who said "I look forward to reading your book when you publish one" when I was 16

My Literature teacher who waved away my school award "you were always going to score well, we knew that"

The Accounts teacher who looked me in the eye and said "you didn't even try" the day I left high school

The substitute English teacher who saw me in a train station years later and said "I thought you'd have left this country by now"

I think about how depressed I was to leave high school even though I had been othered and bullied and isolated, because I had persevered to the fullest extent of my energy and optimism and forced extroversion -to the detriment of my physical health

I think about the search for the right path to take, how my father stepped in to get me meetings with people he knew to afford me understanding of their fields of work, how I chose a tiny college that seemed to encapsulate several of my interests and yet I felt woefully mistaken going in...

I think about my college classmate, still my friend today, who said "you're meek like a mouse" I think about how my entirely male (excluding me) class frequently discussed how women weren't fit to be leaders I think about the look on one guy's face when my male lecturer later picked me to lead an important assignment I think about how half the guys decided not to cooperate and I failed my last piano exam at the same time and had a breakdown and stopped piano altogether I think about how my closest friends were female students from other classes and one single guy from mine I think about the lack of direction I felt throughout my early to mid twenties I think about how I've never seen my piano teacher again since the day I stopped I think about how my friend who left the country not long after we stopped school has bounced from one foreign country to another trying to find a proper citizenship route and about my other friend who adapted so well to the local colloquialisms of the northern state she had to work in and my estranged neighbour's daughters who were sent overseas the second they could go and how scared I would be to set foot in a foreign country that appeared progressive but would eat alive a brown lesbian woman like me I think about how my country that was so comfortable before is now constantly on edge with racial tensions and political disagreements and a failing economy and I think about my majority-race girlfriend who never quite fit in but is the most practical and patient person I've ever had handle me I think about my mother who wanted to research lesbians for her Masters paper but has to be lied to and I think about my father who never brings it up but invited my girlfriend on a roadtrip with us I think about the religious zealots who should be kept away from her at all costs I think about how my own community would see me as a waste of potential I think about not having written a book yet for my English teacher

[onmymasa22]

Influence of ancient philosophers on art

How science affected classic greek art

Study compositions in art

When u look through pics on ur phone and see a pic of ur highschool transcript and realize that ur grades weren't as bad as u thought even though u totally didn't study for anything cuz u didnt really care. Like i failed shabbos so it looks like i cant be ur local orthodox rabbi. But other than that, in a different lifetime, i can totally be a physicist, or a chemist, or write papers on beowulf or shakespeare for a living.

Is it weird to be an artist who occasionally thinks about how different her life would be if she went into astrophysics instead. Pretty much art takes up one part of my brain, physics takes up the other, and whatever's left is pretty much thinking about sandwiches. So basically, Penny is on one side, Leonard is on the other, and then out of no where there's Joey.

I wish their was a category of human where u will make urself into the wierdest little goofball to make someone laugh. U will put ur belongings in danger, possibly injure, and or make a fool out of yourself for the sake of not letting a funny moment go to waste. Like, where are these depressed, debilitatingly anxious funny people.

Why are the funniest people depressed or living with debilitating social anxiety? People who anyone is so surprised to find out is like that. No, im not photogenic, im not only extraverted all the time, im not dancing the whole night to music in my head. Don't get me wrong, I am like that occasionally. But if theres someone sitting next to the bonfire, stairing at it like theyre going through something, or its just too much for them to mingle, ill sit by them and

Comparing and contrasting high art and low art

The influence of philosophy on greek art

Aniam powerpoint at most 15 pics of our work

1801 to 1900

Raya- something meter by meter

Colette

Maybe i should do fashion- i like doing things people wear- like outfits

כשאת שולחת למורה שלך לקליגרפיה שתבואי ללימודים רק בעוד שבועיים בגלל ביטולים בטיסות והיא אומרת "את אצל רבינו?"

אז את אומרת "בנשמה, כן. במציאות, אצל ההורים בשיקגו"

אין על ללמוד במוסד דתי

When u text your calligraphy teacher that you're out of the country so you're gonna show up to class 2 weeks late, and she straight away asks "are u with rabbeinu?"

Being in a religious college is just awesome

How russian artists and parisian artists painted ballet subject matter in the 19th century.

French ballet history, french art at the time, french painting on ballet

Russian ballet, rushian art at the time, russian paintings on ballet

[irene-dimension]

ok well just let me type this out to get it out of my head. senior year was seriously ass. and now thats its over..; im in this weird in between right now of classes having ended but so much senior stuff is still coming up. and i feel like a complete and utter failure. not academically. academically, i got my aice diploma junior year, went to college full time as a hs senior, got into my dream school and the top school in florida, and had straight A's every year. yeah, it sounds good all typed out, but i cant help but feel that the struggle for all that was worthless. because somehow, i still failed. i hardly have any real friends. many of my friendships crumbled this year. i have severe social anxiety. i feel like everyone else in my class is so social and has such strong bonds with so many people, and i dont have that. i dont know how to interact normally. making friends is simply a skill i never really developed. and a lot of the blame for that falls on how i was raised. i went to a tiny private catholic school for 11 years. the same 30 people in my grade (15 per class as we were divided into two, because 30 was considered a large class) for ELEVEN YEARS. it truly does something to the psyche. and only a handful of my peers werent assholes. then, i started hs during covid. it was frustrating in terms of making friends, because there was such a heavy expectation to branch out and do that, but we also weren't really supposed to be near each other? and going from a school with maybe 230 people to one with 1,500 was not an easy transition. i didnt know how to really socialize! and i feel like ive never been able to change the effect all that had on me. then being labeled "quiet" and "shy" makes you never wanna open your mouth ever again. i was in three clubs, and it made no difference. seeing everyone else with their large friend groups makes me feel so insecure and shitty. and fucking THEATER KIDS should not be making ME feel insecure like what the actual fuck?? anyways. i feel like ive cried more in this in between time than all year, and i wasnt particularly doing well all year either. it just sucks. im so so sad over the what ifs. i have to grieve the person i couldve been and the life i couldve had. its not fucking fair. on top of that, the school im going to is the one my parents, grandparents, and many of my other family members went to. my older sister didnt get in, when they really wanted her to go. i worked so hard to get in because i had some stupid notion that i could "win" and finally they could love me as much as they love her. yet, they dont even seem happy about it. they act like they dont care at all. like everything they have to do regarding college stuff is just a burden to them. like, great. i wasted my whole life,, i couldn't make friends, i couldn't make my parents like me, nor the rest of my family. everyone just views me as some shy loser freak.

at least i didnt peak in high school, right?

[darkwaveho]

Favors

College Au

Summary: All you wanted was to eat breakfast in peace the universe had other plans for you.

parings: Stoner!Wanda Maximoff x reader, Kate Bishop x reader (platonic)

warnings: 18+, Jealousy, cursing, Drug mention, sexual innuendos, harassment, food porn?? or food play idk I’ll just put both just to be safe dkskdjs

Happy Earth Day! enjoy more of Stoner Wanda 😌😮‍💨

part 1  part 3

You spent the rest of the morning avoiding Kate’s text messages after she dragged you to that hell hole Aka where Wanda Maximoff resides, after your 8 am class you settled on sitting in the lounge going over your notes. even now it seemed like nobody would shut up about Tony's party tonight. Maybe you’re just cranky for being forced to get up at the ass crack of dawn for Kate. You barely went to parties maybe that's why Kate was pushing you to go to this one. You just weren't in the mood to party or be around that environment. Tony's party is on another level from any regular college party you would have to mentally prepare for it. you're brought out of your thoughts at the sudden movement of a body sitting next to you brushing your shoulder in the process. you turn to the figure that interrupted your thoughts just to be met with the person you were trying so hard to avoid.

"Kate, I'm not in the mood, okay? the answer is still no"

"Oh, come on why won't you just go with me, pleaseee?"

"Why do you want me to go so badly?"

"For one you've been too focused on schoolwork, and I just want to have fun with my friend at a stark party. come onnn we can get wasted together ya know for memories and stuff" you said you wouldn’t fall victim to her adorable puppy eyes, but it looks like you’re losing this battle

you roll your eyes "I'll think about it"

"Well, that's a step forward from a flat out no"

"Thats all you get for now, take it or leave it"

"I'll take it!" she leaps forward locking you in a tight bear hug, seriously what was so special about this party? "I have to get to class but I'll see you later?" she stands from the chair and gathers her bag. waiting for your reply

"Maybe, maybe not"

"You're very difficult you know that?"

you shrug in return, and gather you own things after a while. You skipped a proper breakfast this morning so head to the coffee shop for your favorite pastry. you were also supposed to meet someone here why not settle in early. before you can grab the door handle you feel a hand on your arm. what was with people today and touching you? only this time the hand that touched you made you want to forget about the muffin and starve a little longer until you got back to your dorm room.

"Good morning, beautiful" her eyes lowly hooded with a shade raging crimson. she must've had her morning smoke session and was in need of a snack. she circles you like a shark does its prey in the ocean, Standing between you and your destination. you don't greet her; you try and ultimately fail at maneuvering around her to finally get inside the coffee shop.

"You're not gonna speak to me? that's not very nice. I thought you had good manners" she pouts

"Hi" you keep the greeting short and dry "Now are you gonna move?"

She leans forward bringing her voice just above a whisper "We're gonna have to work on your manners baby, but I'll allow it this time”

You ignore the chills running down your spine caused by her calling you 'baby'. "Whatever" you move around her and before you can reach the door again, she beats you to it. smacking your hand away from the handle

“I got it, after you my love" she gives you a dopey smile and bites her lip as you stare at her for a moment and make you way through the door.

before you make it to the counter you notice the worker that normally serves you sending you a wide Colgate smile "Hey Y/n, you want your usual?" 

"Yes, please" you mirror the smile she sent you in greeting

"Oh, so you do have manners just not for me?" she startled you, why was she still near you? would she even be coming in here if she didn't see you at the door? you ignore her as you wait for your order. Finding the menu board more interesting than ever before.

Wanda's curious about you, about what you like, what you dislike. she wants to know you. "What's your usual?" she's met with silence. you turn to face her when she's already looking at you, her eyes never left you. “I said-” before Wanda gets the chance to finish, your name is being called by the barista as she’s holding your order up.

She’s waving her hand eagerly "Y/n, I got you all set " You swiftly move away from Wanda and what seemed like was heading to an intense moment. You’ll have to find a way to repay her for saving you.

"Thank you, Carmen" you give her a smile as you reach for your debit card. you're stopped by Wanda when she places her debit card on the counter instead. honestly, you’re surprised she even has a debit card she looks more like a cash only type of person.

"Put your card away baby, it’s my treat" she sends you a wink and turns back to the barista

"Don't worry about it, it's on the house" Carmen slides Wanda's card back across the counter and focuses on you not sparing Wanda a glance as she does the action.

She's never given you anything on the house before. what was so different today? "Really?" your shocked expression makes her giggle a bit

"Yeah, looks like you’re having a rough day” her eyes briefly land on Wanda. “I’m just trying to make it better" Wanda doesn't like this Carmen person. The way she’s talking to you, how she's looking at you, and how she barely could do her job, Carmen didn’t even ask Wanda about her order yet. she wonders if the person in charge of this place would like to hear about employees giving free things away.

"So does everyone get something on the house, or does it only apply to printcessa over here?" Wanda asks with a tilt of her head and narrowed eyes. she’s silently threating her with just one look. "I'll take a blueberry muffin, actually make that two, on the house of course" she gives the girl a smug look. Wanda thought it was only fair she got something free out of this as well if she couldn't pay for your food.

“Uh, yeah” Carmen moves to gather the muffins and places them inside a bag. while her back is turned, you pinch Wanda's shoulder.

"Ouch! what was that for?" Turning her body to face you while she rubs her shoulder

You give her a stern look like a mother would a troubled toddler "You're an asshole, why would you do that? she was just being nice”

"Yeah, being nice. Not flirting with coffee and free baked goods at all" she rolls her eyes. and you scuff grabbing your items off the counter and finding an empty table to sit at.

you have a small moment of peace as you eat your muffin and drink your coffee until the chair across from you is being scrapped across the floor. Wanda. “You know I wouldn’t mind if you pinched me again, preferably my nipples but I’m down for other places too” she wiggles her eyebrows at you. 

"Don't you have something better to do other than stalk me Maximoff?" she thinks for a moment. “Nope, and even if I did anything involving you would be much more interesting" 

she studies you for a moment, just the way you do small simple things like taking pieces of your muffin apart instead of just biting into it has her stomach filled with butterflies. she bites her lip and wait for you to stop chewing. “Let’s talk about you”

 “What about me?” you ask her before taking another sip of coffee

“Did you not eat breakfast this morning? You need to take better care of yourself” she bites into her blueberry muffin with frantic bites, and blueberry filling smeared on her cheek like a child. Did she always eat like this or was it just because of the high? “It seems like I’m not the only one that skipped a proper meal this morning” she replies back with her mouth full, and she had the nerve to talk about your manners? hypocrite.

“Aww you’re worried about me? how adorable, how about next time you come make me breakfast instead? I’m thinking a breakfast in bed type of thing, you of course would be naked, what do you think?” you narrow your eyes and watch with a look of disgust, was she always this horny and straightforward with every victim that falls to their knees for her? or was she only this way around you? it’s also not helping the sickness in your stomach with the way she’s shoving the baked good into her mouth.

"Do you always eat things this sloppy?" you nod your head in her direction

Wanda stops mid bite and deviously smirks at you

"Would you like to find out?" she giggles when you’re visibly caught off guard by another sexual charged comment. She thinks this is funny, was this a game to her? Wanda dips her head low to catch your eye "But to answer your question yes, if I'm hungry enough for it my only focus would be craving my hunger"

"My only focus would be on what I'm eating and completely devouring it, down to there’s nothing left"

"Like this muffin, it's my favorite and I love blueberries." she takes the last piece of the muffin and sticks her finger in the middle of it. she pops it into her mouth and chews the last piece.

"Would you like a taste?" holding her finger out in front of you. when you don't answer her, she brings her finger back up to her mouth and sucks the remaining blueberry filling from her finger while remaining eye contact with you. wanting to play with you some more she lets out a soft moan while releasing her index finger from her lips. you can't look away no matter how hard you try, the ache in between your legs grows stronger and stronger each second you spend staring at her. 

While you’re lost in thought Wanda takes the opportunity to lean forward “Open your mouth” she smirks finding enjoyment in the way you slightly part your lips for her, she’s not even sure you’re aware of what your body is doing on its own.

“There you are Y/n!” You finally get the will to look away from Wanda when your eyes land on the person you were waiting on.

You let out a breath of relief “About time Daisy, I thought you ditched me”

“Never, I got a little carried away in coding class, but it looks like you have company” she looks down at Wanda.

“Johnson”

“Maximoff”

Feeling some sort of tension, you start gathering your things breaking both of them out of the staring contest they found themselves in. no longer wanting to stay here you need to get fresh air dealing with Wanda was a lot to handle.

“Let’s just go to yours Daisy” The two of you exchange smiles for a moment, something was going on and Wanda was definitely getting to the bottom of it. she thinks of different ways she can get Daisy away from you if her intentions are to steal you away from her. Yes, you were Wanda’s even if you didn’t know it yet.

“I’m cool with that let me go to the restroom and we can go” you nod as she walks away. Wanda watches Daisy’s figure disappear around the corner to the restroom before she speaks again. clinching her jaw, you can tell she’s annoyed about Daisy.  “What’s that about?”

You know what she’s talking about, but you play dumb anyway, why is it any of her business who you were seen with? “What?”

Her voice rises in volume slightly the more you continue this conversation “You and Johnson”

“Not that it’s any of your business demon spawn but we’re hanging out” demon spawn? Wanda thought of herself as an angel, no one’s ever called her that before at least not to her face. Was she insulted by it? yes, but did it also turn her on? yes. she loves how you’re not afraid to speak your mind when it comes to her. part of her mind goes to having the pleasure of taming you and your mouth when she finally gets you to her bed.

“Is that all she’s doing?” She grips the table with so much force the veins in her hands are on the verge of breaking through her skin. You give her a questioning look as you notice her hands; she follows your gaze and relaxes her hold on the marble table. when it’s clear you won’t answer her question, she tries to steer the conversation back to a lighter mood.

"I enjoyed our breakfast date, maybe we can get dinner next time" you don’t reply, and you wonder what’s taking Daisy so long turning your head toward the restroom door, before you can move any further away from the table Wanda grabs your hand. When did she get closer to you and how did you not hear her? She grabs her muffin bag and holds it out to you.

“Here take it, I have a feeling you’ll really like it” She smiles while you only stare at her outreached hand holding the bag, until her patience runs thin. with her free hand pulling you closer to her with much force you didn’t know she possessed.

“I said take. the. muffin. detka.” you grab the bag and start retreating away from her before she grabs you again. Her voice lowers a few octaves, while looking at you intensely. “No goodbye kiss?” The way she could be so demanding and dominant and then switch to being soft and bubbly scared you. In that moment you thank the heavens for Daisy finally returning, you don’t know what Wanda would’ve done after you rejected her and you don’t want to find out. “Bye, Maximoff” you remove your hand from her iron grip and make a bee line for Daisy and the front door.

As you exit the coffee shop all Wanda can think about is how she loved the effect she had on you and all she did was eat a muffin. the number of things and ideas that pop up in her head about what she wants to do to you, how she wants to play with you, how she wants you making cute uncontrollable noises under her, and because of her; has her internally leaping with excitement.

"I'll see you tonight, Y/n"

[cocobeanncteez]

ATEEZ Wooyoung- School President (Oneshot)

Genre: light angst, suggestive/steamy, high school au.

Pairing: SchoolPresident!Wooyoung x badgirl!reader

Warnings: none.

"Miss L/N, detention after school till 4 p.m." your chemistry teacher said, making you mentally groan. It was the last class of the day and you were dying to go home, but now you had to stay for an extra hour. All your classmates turned to look at you, but they weren't surprised. "You still haven't submitted the assignment."

"Can I just submit it tomorrow?" you asked in a bored tone.

"No, you were supposed to submit it a week ago," she said, gathering her stuff to leave the class. "Detention with Mrs. Hwang today." You heard people around you snicker. Well, fuck. Mrs. Hwang was the strictest teacher in school. Even you were scared of her despite your badass attitude.

You got up from your seat, leaving the classroom with an annoyed expression on your face.

"Detention again, Y/N?" your bestfriend asked as she made her way to you with your other friends.

You rolled your eyes. "Ms. Jang will never fucking let me live in peace. I'll see you guys tomorrow," you said, making your way to detention.

You were surprised to find the room empty. Usually, there would always be about three or five students. Since no one was here, you decided to ditch; you would skip school the next day so that your teachers will forget about it. You turned around to leave, but ended up bumping into someone, slightly startling yourself.

"What are you doing here?" you asked, raising an eyebrow at your school president and heartthrob—also called 'senior's eye candy' at your school—Jung Wooyoung.

You had to admit, he was certainly the most handsome guy you've ever seen. Jung Wooyoung was absolutely perfect. Every girl wanted him and every guy wanted to be him. You were sure half your school tried to hit on him despite the fact that he has a girlfriend.

"Unfortunately, I'm here to make sure that you won't escape detention as Mrs. Hwang is busy, so take a seat," he said, moving around you to sit on a chair and taking a notebook out of his bag.

You always found Jung Wooyoung very interesting. Other guys like him—the nerdy ones—can't even talk to you, let alone look you in the eye. Jung Wooyoung was the complete opposite.

You sat on one of the chairs, immediately taking your phone out.

"You can't use your phone here," Wooyoung said, not looking up at you from his notebook. "Why don't you complete your assignment?"

You scoffed. "And if I don't? What are you gonna do about it?"

"Nothing," he said, looking at you. "It's not affecting me in any way, so I don't care. However, Ms. Jang is gonna fail you again if you don't submit your assignment."

You knew he was right. And that annoyed you; you really just wanted to shut his pretty mouth up.

"Whatever," you mumbled, taking out a notebook and the assignment sheet to start working on the reactions you had to write.

However, you were completely blank. You didn't know or understand a word given on the sheet. You bit your lip as you stared at the sheet, wondering what to do.

Finally, you took out your phone and googled all the reactions, easily finishing the assignment in less than half an hour.

"You know, you won't be able to copy during finals," Wooyoung said, closing his notebook. "Even if you're copying now, at least learn what you've copied."

"I didn't ask for your comments," you retort. He was about to say something, but his phone rang.

"Hey, baby," he answered. " . . . I'm in charge of detention today . . . Oh, that's okay," his face fell slightly. " . . . No, it's alright. We can go some other day . . . Hmm, I love you too. Bye!"

You snorted, feeling bad for the boy. You were surprised someone as smart as him hasn't figured out that his girlfriend has been cheating on him. You've seen his girlfriend shoving her tongue down random people in the club, and hitting on people at your school. You remembered how shocked you were when you first found out that she was cheating on him; because why would anyone cheat on someone as perfect as Jung Wooyoung?

"You can leave now," Wooyoung said, getting up from his seat. "Detention is over." You nodded, leaving as fast as you can, just wanting to go home and sleep.

"Your grades aren't very bad, but they aren't great either, Y/N," your class teacher said. "You'll get into an average college with these grades. But I know you can do much better. So I've asked one of the prefects to tutor you in Chemistry and Physics."

You groaned. "Can I do it by myself?"

"You wouldn't do it by yourself," she said. "Anyway, Jung Wooyoung will be tutoring you. Discuss and decide your timings with him. I expect you to score well on the next exam. I do not want to see you fail in any subject again." Before you could say anything, the door to the staff room opened, revealing none other than Jung Wooyoung. "Ah, Wooyoung, I just told Y/N that you will be tutoring her," she said. "I'm expecting you to do a great job."

Wooyoung smiled. "I won't let you down, Mrs. Park. But Y/N must put in efforts or else there's no point," he stated in a polite tone, and you rolled your eyes.

"Yes, that's true," she turned to look at you. "I'm expecting nothing but your best efforts, Y/N." She's always expecting something, huh, you thought. You only smiled, bowing politely.

"I'll do my best."

-

"What the actual fuck is this?" you mumbled, staring at the lengthy derivation written in Wooyoung's notebook. He rolled his eyes, so tired of hearing you say that to literally everything you saw written in his notebook.

"Ah, why did they have to make me tutor you of all people?" he whined. "You clearly haven't paid attention in class for even half a second."

"No one told you to accept it," you said, ignoring his last comment.

"I had to," he scoffed, stretching his arms out, making you glance at the veins on his arms. "Extra credits, you know?"

"Nerd," you muttered under your breath. He heard you, but didn't say anything. He began teaching you how to derive it; you paid attention for the first few seconds before zoning out. When you zoned back in, he asked you to explain what he just explained. You bit your lip, thinking of what to say.

He sighed. "You didn't pay attention again."

"I zoned out, sorry."

"That's what you said for the previous derivation," he said, a disappointed look on his face while he packed up his things.

"You're leaving already?" you asked, glancing at the time on your phone; you still had twenty minutes left.

"I'm not going to waste my time teaching you right now," he said. "You clearly aren't in the mood to focus." You only scoffed, watching him leave the library. You bit your lip, feeling kinda bad for not paying attention when he was making an effort to teach you.

The look of disappointment he showed you had somehow made you determined to prove that you could focus and do better.

You were at Wooyoung's house, sitting on his bed and scrolling through your social media while waiting for him to finish changing out of his uniform. You spent an entire two weeks studying your ass off, and you were proud you made a big improvement, thanks to Wooyoung. He was quite surprised that you were actually making an effort to understand whatever he taught you. You both even became friends, and you were quite happy about that.

"I'm done," he said, coming out of his bathroom, making you look up from your phone. You held your breath at the sight of Wooyoung dressed in grey sweatpants and a black tank top. You couldn't stop yourself from checking him out: the veins running down his muscled arms, his exposed collarbones, his sharp jawline, his plump lips . . .

You were so immersed into checking him out, you didn't realize he was doing the same to you. He loved how your uniform skirt rid up your thighs, and how another two buttons on your shirt were unbuttoned, exposing a little bit of your cleavage. Before you knew it, he was slowly making his way towards you, eyes now locked with yours.

"Let's start, hmm?" he said with a smirk; he knew you were checking him out.

You clear your throat a little. "Yeah, let's start."

You spent the next half an hour trying to pay attention to whatever Wooyoung was teaching you. It didn't help that he absentmindedly placed his hand on your knee, or brushed your hand with his; he knew exactly what he was doing to you. Your mind kept wandering to the things you want him to do to you right now on his bed.

" . . . and now you should tell me," he leaned a little close to you with a smirk, making your heartbeat speed up. "Which formula should be used?"

"Fuck this," you muttered, pushing the books aside before straddling Wooyoung's lap.

"Took you long enough," he chuckled, and you crashed your lips on his. He instantly kissed you back, hands moving to grip your waist. You wouldn't admit it to anyone, but you have been dreaming about kissing Wooyoung the second he talked back to you a year ago.

You pulled away to litter his neck in kisses, sucking the skin gently. He groaned softly, making you smirk. "Fan of neck kisses?"

"You have no idea," he said, hands moving underneath your skirt to grip your bare inner thighs. He gave it a squeeze, making you involuntarily grind down on him. He moaned at the feeling, encouraging you to do it again. You moved your lips back to his, grinding on him even more. Wooyoung's hands slipped into your panties, grabbing your ass to help you grind down on him faster. The friction made you moan, craving for more. You tugged on his shirt, breaking the kiss to let him pull it off. You ran your hand down his toned torso in awe, loving the feeling of his abs beneath your fingertips. Your eyes widened at the tattoo above his hip bone. "You have a tattoo?!"

Wooyoung gripped your hips, moving you off of him so that he could hover over you. "Mhmm, bet you never expected the nerdy school president to have a tattoo, huh?" Your hands moved to his hair, playing it with while he began to kiss your neck, driving you crazy.

Wooyoung kissed down your chest till where your shirt was unbuttoned. He glanced up at you, fingers toying with the buttons. "Can I?" he asked. You nodded, letting him unbutton your shirt and slip it off you. You sucked in a breath when he ran his fingers over the lacy material of your bra.

"Take it off," you whined, making him chuckle.

"Patience, baby," he said, one hand gently rubbing your thigh.

But you really didn't have any patience right now.

You brought his lips to yours while you moved his hand to touch you where you desperately needed him, surprising him a little. He kissed you back hungrily while his finger moved on your clothed clit, applying pressure, making you get wetter. Your moans made him smirk; he loved how he was the reason behind it.

You both got startled at the sudden sound of his garage opening. He halted his movements, pulling away from you instantly.

"One of my parents is back from work," he said, quickly putting on his tank top and handing you your uniform shirt. You quickly buttoned it and straightened out your hair; you really did not want Wooyoung's strict parents to suspect anything since they already did not like the idea of him tutoring you in his final year of high school.

Wooyoung's father knocked on his bedroom door before opening it, finding you and Wooyoung busy writing equations.

"Oh, hey, dad! How was work?" Wooyoung asked with a sweet, innocent smile like as if he wasn't smirking a few minutes ago while touching you.

"Hello, Mr. Jung," you said politely.

"Hello, Y/N," he said. "Work was all right, as usual. How is your tutoring session going?"

"Good, dad," Wooyoung said, trying to control himself from smirking. "It's going really great."

[paramsiddharth]

#15: The Independence Day

However tempting the title may be at suggesting my life is at peace now, it painfully isn't. I don't want this to prevent me from glorifying the decades of freedom from colonization we have enjoyed, how much we have recovered from post-colonization trauma, and how we are more responsibly planning to evolve in future. Lots of love to my country. I love my dear Bihar, I love India. I am grateful to my parentland for everything it gave me, such as the beautiful cultural heritage and the opportunity to identify myself as a proud Indian. 🇮🇳 I give my heartfelt pranaam to my nation.

Why is it always such that I make a post, disappear for months (or years), and then make a sudden reappearance? I love writing. Why this discontinuity? I asked myself this question.

I realized it is because I am always too overwhelmed by my past and future to express my present without hurting myself. And don't expect me to mourn that; It is part of my situational awareness, learning from my experience, and practical preparedness and I'm not ashamed.

I'm not proud either, but there's little I can do to change the circumstances I'm put in. The very reason behind my continuous complaining and being a crybaby is because that's what has happened to me throughout my life, and continues to. There are plenty of people to blame, but definitely not me.

I will start talking about the time after the day I posted that Kharagpur blog, but I will move in a logarithmic fashion i. e. Increasing the amount of focus on the part closer to the plateau (present) rather than the cliff (past).

Do you use olive oil at home? Is it a common ingredient in most of the food that you have at home? I recently learnt an interesting truth about food oils. Mustard oil, olive oil, and refined oil are the 3 major oils used to cook. In my family everything is cooked in mustard oil. I used to watch recipe videos and wonder why the colour of the oil looked so different. Turns out they generally use olive oil.

Based on what mom told, mustard oil is much more fatty and considered not good for health, at least in comparison to olive oil. That being said, mustard oil comes for a lot cheaper than olive oil. So do we use less healthy oil to cook food for saving money? Yes. Are we the only ones? I really don't know.

As much as I don't want to, I pity myself. It's pathetic, but every time I pity myself, I assume it can't get worse. But it does. It very much does.

5-6 days ago, my parents had a very violent fight. I was there to get them to settle, and since my classes were not going on, I could give more time to home. Despite my struggle to get both my parents to be peaceful, they kept saying things to each-other for half the night, and kept hurting themselves, mentally and physically. I was there to help them, but they weren't welcoming to any support. And I understand why. They must feel like they are put into a position where they can't express themselves to anyone, and that nobody can feel what they are going through.

Folks and friends tell me not to get in between when they fight. I wouldn't… If only it remained verbal. But it gets worse. It gets physical, in a manner that they end up hurting their internal and external biologies causing more than just short-term damage. I barely manage to save the day everytime… Because I love them. I don't want to listen to my friends. My parents are my everything. Losing one of them means losing half of my life's purpose. I'm nothing without them, no matter how they are.

And I managed to calm them down. 3 days ago, we woke up to a news that wasn't initially so devastating: The water motor wasn't working. It had been a common problem, I easily assumed it will be fixed soon. We got it checked, had some analysis done, some parts bought. By evening, it was still being worked on, and that made the situation tense. The day ended with the news that the plumbers will come the next day and attempt a better fix, something they referred to as "slizing" (I think it supposed to be slicing). I didn't eat much that day, for reasons. Others ate less too.

So we got the "slizer" expert the next day. The whole day was going to be a wasted struggle again, and what happened at home made it far worse. The lack of food, hydration, and sanitation made our patience and moods worse. My parents had an argument, and once the light was sparked, it ended up being probably the worst fight they have ever had in the whole lifetime. One where they almost hit each-other. I came in between as a shield and got beaten up instead, gladly so. But will I always be able to get in between?

The situational dilemma hit me harder than the physical strokes. I was pulled down deep into the realization of how traumatizing the past 5 years have been for my parents. From being loving, caring, and supportive, they've become beasts. They have turned into people with no emotional control, and mood-swing patterns that encourages self-harm exclusive to interpersonal fights between those two.

As much as they fight, scream, misbehave, and misunderstand each-other while arguing, they are the only 2 adults I could ever rely on. The rest of my ostensible family has been far more hostile to us, in a much more heart-penetrating way than physically. Who else can I look up to? And even if I had anybody else to look up to, my parents are the 2 people I will never let go of. It is my life's purpose to see them happy, and I won't let anything go wrong before that happens.

Their hatred for each-other while fighting is no longer silenced by their want to live, and their heart no longer melts by the thought of their kids' happiness. They aren't able to think straight during a fight. What would a person in this condition be advised to do? Take therapy, I suppose. We can't afford that. Will the one who advises us pay for our therapy? I'm sure not.

Money is the one big thing in our life that's our biggest joy and harshest pain at the same time. If we had more money, none of our current problems in life would remain relevant. We will be able to cure everything, including our financial instability and mental illnesses. We will be off to a happy life, constantly evolving. If only we had more money. If only…

Let me slap myself out of this dream. It isn't here yet. A minimum of 2 years before I even get on my feet are to be borne with patience and… Struggle. No, my parents have to remain together, no matter what. The hardwork they did for their whole life, won't lose meaning so easily. We're close, and we will make it. I will get a good job and change everything. I will be able to fix us. I will do it… Won't I?

I wasn't able to cry, because I hadn't had water for 50+ hours. My parents eventually lost energy and got diverted by updates from the plumbers and the expert. It failed. They didn't even attempt the "slizing" part. Maybe next day.

Day 3. No eating, drinking, peeing, or excreting. We felt like lifeless blobs, and it was harder for us to make it through, considering my mom has an OCD. Although we were convinced that the service folks were fixing the water issue, we also knew the kind of people we have in Muzaffarpur. They were using our helplessness as a measure to maximize visible worktime and increase the payment. The only thing they were aiming for is profit. No sense of wanting to provide quality service, no concern for our degrading health, nothing. They were just extending and pulling out days from our lifeless schedule.

On day 3, we slightly hinted that this would be the last day we let them work. We ensured them that if they don't fix it by the end of the day, instead of wasting more money into something that isn't even working, we will urgently invest into getting a submersible pump installed, the ultimate answer to all water problems in the poverty-stricken lands of India.

God knows how, by the end of the day, water started coming. We were not relieved, especially I. Not instantly. I waited for the next morning, and then, was a little calmed. After having the payment report (just because I make it sound professional doesn't mean it was, it was an informal description of how much we have to pay and a disambiguation telling why), we realized the fixing cost us over ₹22,000. That's a lot of money for a sudden life problem. And then the motor stopped working again in the evening, whereafter we asked them to have a look again. A quickfix and it started working after adding some water in the pipe.

We are firm that the next step is to get a submersible pump, but even if we put aside the financial challenge for a moment, this season isn't the best one to get it installed. In fact, that should be our last resort, if all options are exhausted, like it would have been if day 3 ended in a disappointment too. But now we have some time to think, plan, and gather money. ₹80,000 isn't a small amount (that's to start, you know it's always more than it seems).

It was the independence day. Wow, what a beautiful day. An independent country, where there are lakhs of smiles of people happy and proud of their country. And lakhs of neutrally frowned faces who don't even know what a country is. All they know is food, water, shelter, and survival. I felt them, I can tell. It must be worse. I wish we had a little more independence too. A stable financial life, my mom's OCD cured, feels like a lovely eye-tearing dream.

Hahaha… I don't know why I'm crying. Is it because of the trauma of 3 painful days? Is it the fear of my parents getting into a fight again? Is it the painful possibility that I might not get a good job because of my not-so good college or my own ineligibility? Or is it just me, a 19 year-old who doesn't even know what to do with his life and is struggling to survive mentally, physically, biologically, academically, and socially?

For those 3 days, I was in a state of suffering. Since I didn't eat much, I didn't need to use the bathroom, but I would have loved to. I would have loved to satisfy my dry throat with some water. Having not drunk or eaten in days had fatigued me. If you want a feel of how long it had been, here's a day 3 picture of an initially dark yellow arhar dal cooked on day 1:

Still, I was receiving phone calls.

Them: Hey Param! What's up? Can you help me with this thing?

Me: Hi, I'm sorry, I can't… I'm kind of in a problem… ...(trying to explain my situation).

Them: That stinks! Sorry about that, dude. Take care. Oh, by the way, can you help me out with this quickly? I really need to do this.

This makes me realize how awfully tooled I have always let myself be. If it was a regular day, I would have probably let go of my busy time and helped them out, but I was in pain. I was enraged. Very angered by their stubbornness and lack of concern for my happiness, when I have always been the one who was there for them. I hung up and left my phone. I didn't feel like touching it anymore. Life felt obsolete.

Evening, day 4, we were preparing for dad's birthday next day. Planning a surprise, we ordered a cake for him by collecting some money. We were very excited. Little did we know our happiness was about to be shattered… That's when the water had stopped working again. We know it got fixed later, but the intensity of the trauma in the moment embedded itself deeply into our hearts, and despite the want to be excited, we weren't very relieved after the news that it was working again. We were constantly afraid it will stop working again.

We desperately tried to stay happy and celebrate his birthday. 12 AM, August 16, we sang happy birthday. Crying on the inside and smiling on the outside, we made ourselves believe that we ought to be happy for survival. The desperation was visible on our faces. Here are some pictures:

Now that I'm out of it (pray, the water works fine), I still don't feel so good about it. I want to hug my parents and stay in their arms forever. I want to see them smiling and keep talking to them forever. I want to be able to forget my pain and begin a happy life with my parents someday. Other people won't help me achieve that, I will.

I attempted to get myself a job offer at some good companies, and the recruiters would admit that I'm worthy and eligible and all, but then conclude, "…but our company generally gives only on-campus opportunities.". I get it. I'm not in an IIT. Not privileged enough to be allowed to compete with those IITians I'm far better than. I'll not have a chance, because they'll never come for on-campus opportunities to my college. Bless the IITs, for they've now stolen a hundred options of success from me despite my hardwork.

It is the interview season. I recently had a huge spam of texts and phonecalls by my seniors, asking, requesting, and even threatening me to help them with their online coding entrances. I clarified that I find it ethically wrong, but they continued to mentally disturb me by saying stuff that they, as my elders, shouldn't. I made a post on LinkedIn regarding that. I was so mentally tortured I couldn't take it anymore. And guess what? The responses were equally surprising and hostile.

A good number of people supported. By "supported", I don't mean "liked the post". Anybody would do that for free. Rather, some people appreciated my bravery and told me I did the right thing. On the other hand, some others simply scolded and criticized me brutally for the defamation of JUET, the possibility of JUET being blacklisted by recruiters, and making LinkedIn an unprofessional platform with my plea. What value I hath wrought from years of hardwork didn't seem to be anything to them. Shame on them for looking down on someone they should have been supportive to. And all those cowards who enjoy the perks of the flattery of such devil elders, may they suffer the consequences. Ahh!

Life is so stupid. Why am I working so hard? Whom for? Hello? Is anybody ever going to acknowledge me? Am I ever going to get any appreciation? EVER? Why me? Why? 😭

The question is on me. I've come far enough to understand how this universe works to a much better extent than before. Will I be able to plan my future strategically and always do what's right for me and my family? I hope I do. I hope I don't disappoint the one person who is always there to support me: Myself.

I had once felt like I saw God, but suddenly there was no God. I looked around. Nothing. I was alone. All by myself. Nobody was there to help me achieve my dreams. I suddenly felt this urge to be so grateful for what I have, and not assume that this is the worst it can get. It could get worse, and there's a lot I can get out of my present rather than worrying about my future. And you, dear reader, ought to be grateful for what you have, too.

I sincerely take my leave now. ❤️

Lots of love,

Param Siddharth.

[and-all-that-szasz]

Oh. I've got a whole tangled up knot of emotions surrounding this.

I've never been tested. I didn't have academic issues as a kid, or at least I didnt have any that weren't passed off as being an avid reader, a gifted kid, or the weird kid; if I had issues, they never surfaced in a visibly detrimental way. I made strange noises, and was reading if I wasnt having to do something else, but overall i don't remember hardly anything standing out until like, high school. I think i started to emote with my hands more then.

And now, in a job that I've worked in for over a year, in which I am confident in my abilities and comfortable in that space, I also don't have many issues. More than I did as a kid, as far as I remember, but. My memory is not the best, so who knows. There, I'm able to work around restlessness, wandering attention, sensory issues, and whatever else crops up because its familiar, time management is handled by the computer, and I'm working with lots and lots of tiny bits of information that I'm *not meant to remember long term*. I wouldn't say its ideal, but it works.

And I really dont want to claim something that is not mine to claim. So despite relating to a solid 75% of the symptoms, and coming up as ambiguous or positive on the self tests, I still dont want to say "I have adhd". Cause it's not official, maybe I'm exaggerating to myself, and like someone said once, it's the severity of the symptoms that makes the disorder, and it's just. Not that bad for me. And hearing from others, adhd is debilitating.

But damn. It would be nice to have a- a *reason* why all the sudden in college I couldn't sit and work on a project for more than 30 minutes at a time, why I suddenly couldn't read things that were objectively interesting for classes after practically inhaling books in grade school, why even with dedicated effort, my sleep cycle kept trying to shift approximately 6 hours off from everyone else, why I couldn't focus for anything in classes, why I could keep up in class and in conversation, but seemed to fail every other test. Why my issues with time management got substantially worse, why I started to develop stims before I even knew the word.

If I was just lazy or just procrastinating, so be it. I can properly hate myself for it, and then let it go. But this, I dunno, hope? That there wasnt something wrong with me, that I just didnt have the tools to tackle this task, and struggled for 4 years because of it... It's tempting, in a way. And I dont trust myself on the self tests because of it.

And it's much harder to get diagnosed as an adult. And I dont want to be medicated. So what's the point in wasting time thinking about it, when it's not even really an issue anymore anyway? You know?

If your ADHD is causing you to fuck up more, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the ADHD is getting worse.. you could just be doing more things which gives you more opportunity to fuck up.

This is one of the reasons, ADHD can get ‘worse’ as an adult. A child has very few responsibilities. An adult on the other hand, has all kinds of opportunities to fuck up on. 

[luxxxe-haze]

Therapy has been going well, honestly a LOT better than I ever suspected it would. I'm surviving the semester and I've already tentatively registered for spring classes. I'm currently up to my ass in studying because I have two exams this Tuesday... but I'm making it. I've made it to the gym here and there, not as much as I've wanted to, but I'm at least trying to make it happen. I've even been sleeping a little more too... of course, the lack of sleep caught up with me. I ended up getting a pretty nasty stomach bug a couple weeks ago. The bright side is that it made me sleep.

I've read 10 books so far this year. I set out to read 20 in January so I'm definitely behind but it's not like it was time wasted. I'm reading one called The Bell Jar right now, and I ordered a few books earlier to add to my shelf. I'm going to cheat a little and try to read all the short books I have to see how close I can get to 20 books by the end of the year.

I sure hope that I get a pretty good grade on both of these exams. I calculated (hopefully accurately) that if I can just manage to get a B on every assignment I have left for the semester in math, I can possibly get either a B or maybe even a low A. I'll probably pass my government class just fine. I'm just hoping this advisor will let me take all of the classes that I wanna take next semester... and maybe even that I get into this wintermester class that I'm waitlisted for. That would be optimal... If I can do all of that, I'll only have 6 credits (basically can be done in 1 semester) left on this student financial appeal plan shit and I won't have to meet with the advisor or jump through fucking hoops anymore. Not that I plan to slack off then but it's really annoying to do this in the first place. For classes I dropped/failed 10+ years ago. That weren't financed by financial aid. Dumb.

I just sincerely want to get my degree already. I'm tired of being broke and worried about money all of the time. Possibly, if all goes well, I'll graduate in Fall of 2024. Finally. A college degree.

... and then I can debate grad school lol

[observinglittlelife]

The Beginding

Well, I finally did it: I made a blog. Now that I've actually got to starting it, sitting here in front of my computer feels pretty awkward. I'm not sure where I should start, but I think that's the point. The reason why I'm writing is just to record the process of everything. Remembering struggles and "reliving" the past is a huge part of motivation, at least to me. I won't be retiring my handwritten diary just yet, but this seems to be a much more accessible form of journaling.

I am a rising sophomore in college in LA. To put it into simple words, I'm failing. Not to manifest that or whatever, but I've taken a pretty hard blow in terms of work habits and just simply being a functioning human being. If I have to pinpoint when I began feeling this way, it's 11th grade of high school. Bitches weren't exaggerating when they said junior year was the worst year, but who knew it would stick around. I partly blame COVID and the whole quarantine jazz. It all just had to happen when I was a junior in high school.

But again, everything aside from that was the result of my own mindset. They say that discipline and regret are both painful, and that it is my choice of which one to live with. Easier said than done though. I never wake up to my daily 6 AM alarm and every day comes with a heavier weight of burden from not accomplishing anything the previous week, day, hour, minute, second...

I am an undeclared engineering major. My original plan was to go into bioengineering, but I recently decided to enter the tech field of computer science. Too bad I got my first C ever in the second CS class when the required grade is a B-. Now I'm thinking of Electrical Engineering, but things aren't going too smoothly with my physics classes either. I wonder if I miscalculated. Things were going so well not too long ago either. That's a lie. But at least I had a vision. But if you're asking for the truth (if I'm asking myself to be honest with myself), I want to do a full 180 and become an art major. I truly find myself enjoying life my weeks, hours, minutes, and seconds when I'm creating. It feels like everything is in place and I'm at where I am supposed to be- peace.

Is this where I talk about the complexities of family and parental love? I would never wish harm upon my mom and dad, but if they were to just... disappear... one day, I would be free. I would waste no one's money but mine. But I would be able to put value into my time and really feel it. There's a beauty to finding something you realllllly want to do and suddenly feeling like there's not enough time. Waiting for time to tick by to get over the things I don't want to do is something I want to stop feeling. But is all of this another of my own mental obstacles? Would any of this come through (would I change) if the external barriers truly just vanished into thin air one day?

I wonder if I should just pull the pity card. Or lash out like how my little brother does. Or maybe just be honest and make my own decisions no matter what the responses are. Ultimately, it is my life. It's my own time that I will be experiencing. Why don't I have full control over my own value and meaning and purpose? I should walk towards something that resonates with me. The change needs to be made soon, or else the cycle will repeat, no matter what anyone says.

"Just four more years" "You will be free after this, after that" "The time to rest will come after"

How many times was that said, yet those four years become four more and forever more? I've burned out a long time ago and the only thing moving forward is my precious time. My own time. MY seconds. And yet again, I'm spending it all into the passions that aren't my own. I close today's post to continue studying for my physics midterm. Wish me luck, me. I know you can do it hold on.

Best, me.

7-11-2022

[flameontheotherside]

Always trying to prove myself...

...BECAUSE OF BULLYING!

I realized that even in my blog and it's a subconscious thing. I come off as if I have something to prove. Some say that people who do that are basically full of shit. I happen to believe that too.

The thing is I am that way because my whole life I had been gaslighted and bullied. Yeah I know it sounds like a cop-out excuse but it's the truth. It's the God honest truth. Hid my intuitive things because I was bullied and just wanted to be normal. I wanted people to like me for who I was. I failed kindergarten almost twice, took special ED classes, saw a speech pathologist, grew with a psychologist, and was basically selectively "mute" until middle school.

Still I was even rejected by the fucking rejects.

How the fuck does that happen?! School was a nightmare like what you see in the movies. It was that ridiculous and it didn't get better after college but it didn't get worse either. I had to go to beauty school in 12th grade. Which was probably a bad idea because I couldn't cope with added stress and I was dealing with a horrible breakup.

Someone found out I was learning how to not be ugly and I was made fun of for that 🙃. Fun fucking shit. When I started going to another school I had to quit the beauty classes. It wasn't a waste of time. I learned a lot but I hated the other girls there. They were snobs.

So I find Im almost always trying to prove myself.

In one way or another I'm subconsciously waiting for someone who screw me over or take advantage of my already low self-esteem. Well since this journey, my self-esteem has improved but this journey is hard. I'm always waiting for some asshole or bitch to say or do something fucking retarded on or about my blog. Just you know, waiting for the shoe to drop. Erik says that but I said it first because I'm a year older than him. 😜

I get into fights or petty arguments with strangers because of the PTSD. Like for example: I'm drunk at a bar and one of my piercing pieces fell. It was a ball. Some old man said I should be careful when I say that "One of my balls fell" because some people might get the wrong idea. I felt he was talking shit about me too because I heard his wife say, "Oh look it's your favorite" when I walked into the bar. I figured maybe he liked me. After all I'm a great singer and I have a good country voice too. But in the off chance he didn't like me I had a great comeback.

So I said...

Well life is too short to take everything so seriously. You should know that because you're closer to death than I am. So one of my balls fell. Big whooptey do. I care more about 😆📢FINDING MY DROPPED BALL than what people think. It's a waste of fucking time.

He must be in his 70s or 80s.

I know....what a fucking moron. He had this sort of country hippy vibe and he could easy sing Willie Nelson. His wife however....I don't fucking know lol 😆. I put a ear bud in one of my ears whenever she gets up to sing. "Funny face....blah blah blah....funny face". Fucking hate that song. At least it's 2 minutes long. Holy fuck. I might be crossing the line here. I just don't like people who whisper about others like that. 🙄

Anyway other people were around when I basically told him to shut the fuck up but I was too drunk to realize how funny it was. About two people laughed a little bit when I got up to go back inside. It took me a minute to think about what I said and laugh about it Most of my best comebacks are when I'm drunk or stoned. The best part is that I have no idea they were funny until someone laughs.

Being well-liked is weird

It makes me feel like something is off. I'm constantly looking over my shoulder. Like at the bar for instance. Maybe they weren't talking shit. Maybe they were. 🤷‍♀️ But a good majority of people at the bar now have gotten used to me and my bf being there basically throwing up a metal concert. We both get offered beers and lots of praise. The bar tenders are always happy to see us and they don't care if we buy anything. They really don't. They ask if we are singing and they seem excited.

Damn I miss home. We had metalhead and biker bars we'd sing at and we would mosh pit and headband because everyone there had talent. I can't wait to visit a few of the bars back home. 😊🤘 Fuck yeah baby we are going to bring it all back!

😘💕 I'm ready to rock tonight, baby!

[im-a-goddamn-cat]

i hate that i can't see/hear about anything involving things i'm insecure about without instantly feeling like a loser/failure or, depending on what it is, jealous and (usually) crying

like, hearing about how someone had a romantic relationship(s) and/or lost their virginity in high school? hell, just hearing about romantic relationships or sex in general? instantly makes me feel like a loser and behind in life

hearing about how someone graduated college, got good grades, and/or got into a new major/program? instantly makes me feel like a failure and, again, behind in life. same with hearing about certain ppl's jobs, tho not nearly as much

hearing about someone around my age who has moved out in some way (whether in their own place or at a college dorm)? instantly makes me feel like a failure and very jealous bc i wish i could move out (i plan to switch colleges sometime in the future so that i can live on campus, but who fucking knows when that will be or if any other colleges would actually accept me bc i have to get my shit together first)

hearing about someone's friends irl? instantly makes me feel like a loser and jealous bc i haven't had an actual friend group irl since... idek. pre-teen years. i sometimes got invited to things in between then and now, but it was rare and i feel like ppl didn't actually like me much, but idk for sure. but at least i have friends online now tho

aaand probably a bunch of other stuff i can't remember rn. honestly, i feel like i wasted my teen years in general. like, my parents, brother and i went on cool vacations and stuff and i loved it, but idk. i didn't have an actual friend group irl during this time and i was homeschooled, so besides my gymnastics practices/etc. (which i had until june 2015/i was 15 y/o when i quit) and the rare time i was invited to something, i never really saw any other kids irl except for a few times i tried taking co-op classes. which, oh yeah, i eventually stopped doing and refused to go to. i also declined my mom's offer to let me go to public school. i think i should've done it. maybe i wouldn't be so fucked up and behind in life if i had. tho tbh maybe not, bc i'm just a loser. only things i've accomplished has been going to driver's ed and getting my license in 2019, getting a job in december 2019 which then closed and hasn't reopened yet since march 2020, and completing one (1) semester of college in fall 2020 where uh. my grades weren't that good. (literally failed one class out of the three i took)

anyways i fucking suck and i hate myself