#if something changed with the partner program with no notice whatsoever i am going to be. cranky.

[unpretty]

emailed humble support because i just realized my partner dashboard is straight-up missing and my links aren't actually giving me a cut suddenly. so what the fuck.

[blownbybakugou]

I Am The Game

𝙿𝚊𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐(𝚜): 𝚃𝚘𝚖𝚞𝚛𝚊 𝚂𝚑𝚒𝚐𝚊𝚛𝚊𝚔𝚒 𝚡 𝚁𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛

𝔾𝕖𝕟𝕣𝕖: Slight angst, Fluff

𝙳𝚎𝚜𝚌𝚛𝚒𝚙𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗: Shigaraki poisoned Toga, but you made a cure and saved her life. Toga snapped and praised you as her god, then lead you to the league of villains, where Tomura took an interest to your quirk...

Word Count: 2.7k

ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢꜱ: Blood, attempted murder, mention of actual murder, cussing, mind break (non-sexual), Yandere properties, tooth rotting fluff, aged up/down reader (22), slightly Ooc Toga.

The sound of a steaming kettle is what woke Himiko, her body jerking up from its placement and her eyes flashing across the room. She was startled from her surroundings, to say the least. She was not able to recognize anything around her, then her eyes land on you, a young woman in her early 20s pouring a cup of herbal tea into a mug and treading towards the bed Toga was seated on.

“W-Who are you?” Toga asks, scooting back until she was against the wall behind her. “My name is Y/n. You were betrayed by your leader, and I saved you from your demise.” You spoke strongly. “But why?” Toga softens, her muscles relaxing the slightest bit. “I have a proposal. You being loyal, agile and brave, makes you a worthy companion. And therefore, I would like to ask you if you would join me, be my partner in crime, or whatever you wish to call it”

Your voice was silky and pristine while your expression contradicted what she heard. Your eyes were dull, but she couldn’t exactly tell what they looked like exactly, since they were settled on your lap, and had no emotion in them whatsoever and the rest of your face was soft and glowing with beauty. “You barely know me, how do you know if I am as loyal as you think I am?” Himiko questions, giving a quick grin to show off her sharp canines.

“I have watched you for quite awhile. I knew what was going to come of you, and I felt that I should recruit you as my own, since they didn’t see the potential in you.” You hand her the mug of tea you had poured and look her in the eyes for the first time. Toga was instantly entranced, the color of your eyes flourishing and dancing in her own. “Drink this. It’ll get rid of the headache you have.”

She hadn’t even noticed the pounding in her head until when you mentioned it, but she takes the herbal mix quickly, eager to please you. She gulps it down as fast as she can and sets down the mug with a bright smile. “That was good tea Y/n-Chan! Thank you.” You are taken aback by the sudden change of mood, but make no mistake to question it. Instead, you get up to put the mug in the sink of your apartment.

“So, do you accept my offer?” You query, glancing back at a very giddy Himiko. “Yes! You saved my life, how could I say no?” Her enthusiasm was confusing to you. She is a villain whom found out her own boss backstabbed her, yet she is being so trusting of you. As if you were her mother, or sister.

“Wonderful. We will be moving a lot, and before we start the murderous sprees, I believe a talk with your former boss, is in order.” You state, walking over to her with a smug smile. “Oh my god yes! This is going to be so fun!” Toga beams.

You kicked down the door with a small smirk, looking at all of the people inside and giving them a mock wave. Himiko giggles and leaps over the now broken door sending a deadly glare at Shigaraki, whom was leaned back in a chair nearby. “Hello everyone. This, is a warning. Dishonor has plagued you all, and we’ve come to rip it down. If you do not change your ways of betrayal, I shall send you all to a nightmarish hell, where you all will perish in ways unimaginable. But anyway, this is my partner, Himiko Toga. You may know her?” You send a teasing laugh in the way of Tomura.

“You are weak, especially without someone of her abilities, and you were a fool to try and kill her.” You say, moving up to his face, his scarred, oddly attractive face. He growls, and places his hand firmly on your cheek, waiting for the cries of mercy to begin. Only for you to punch him right in the nose. “What do you think you’re doing, you handsy bastard!” You yell, shaking your hand out.

Shigaraki takes a second to process the event that just played out. You didn’t decay. He touched you, with all 5 fingers, and you didn’t decay. “Who are you? And what the hell is your quirk?” His raspy voice sought out. “None of your damn business”

“Join us. You’re clearly very powerful, and we could use someone like you.” You snap you head to meet his daring orbs and glare him down. “You have nothing for me, therefore, I will not stay.” You try and shake free of his grasp, but his grip only tighten in determination to have you stay. You were the one he was meant to be with. The only one who he couldn’t kill with his deathly touch. He couldn’t lose you like this.

“Let go.” Himiko demands, clasping a knife closely behind her back. “What if I make you a deal? If the girl stays with you, you can both stay in the league. Sounds fair, right?” Shigaraki grins, pulling you into him. “That’s the boss’ choice, not mine. I follow her now.” Himiko snarls. “I shall not stay unless I hear an apology for Himiko.” You sneer, pushing yourself away from him and pulling your hand out of his.

His body jerked at the thought of admitting he was wrong. But you were worth it. You had to be worth it. “I’m sorry, Toga. I thought it would be better for the league, but I was wrong.” He grumbles begrudgingly. Your breath hitched, much like everyone else’s. You hadn’t expected him to actually apologize. You thought he would refuse you, and you and Toga could move on. But no, apparently this guy really didn’t want you to leave.

“Okay then, I suppose we can stay. Are you okay with that Himiko?” You question, looking back at your shocked friend. “Of course boss!” She cheers, giving you a loose hug around the waist. “I’m going to work on something. Toga, I need you with me.” You motion over to a booth with a table that was a bit dusty, but cleared off nonetheless.

The blonde female skipped over to the sitting area as you walked behind her, trying to ignore the scarlet eyes that followed your every movement.

You both sat on the red cushions of the booth seats, and you activate your quirk to begin the creating process. A cyber holographic screen projects out of your eyes and you let it float in the awaiting air as you reach into your backpack for your keyboard and controller.

You set them on the dust covered surface and watch as transparent green strings go to attach into each of the devices you had placed there. “Wow! Your quirk is so cool Y/n-Chan!” Himiko gushes, smiling widely and bouncing in her place.

“Thanks, I suppose. Stand and pose with your knives. Look frightening if you would.” You claim, fingers pressing against the hologram to move the surroundings inside.

Happily, Toga obliges. She puts on a face much like a yandere’s and hovers her knives with one behind her and one in front, seemingly about to strike. “Wonderful.” Your hand mindlessly reaches out to the side, scanning her body all while your other hand typed in code to enter her into your program.

Shigaraki’s vision trained intensely on your abilities, his gaze landing strictly on the translucent green display even when his eyes tried to wander further. What the fuck was your quirk? The question haunted him, he needed to know what power you held that stopped him from disintegrating your body, that let him touch you.

You could easily feel the many observations of the others around you, but you pay it no mind as you program Himiko into your game. Well, many have called it a game, but it is no game. It’s a nightmare no one would ever want to live in, let alone see. You were the one who made it into that, and you were also the one who trapped people inside of it.

You snap out of your thoughts of misery, and continue typing code while letting your scan sweep over every inch of Himiko’s form. She had done many poses for you, and you had implemented twice as many into your data base with only doing some slight editing and Himiko was evidently cheerful about it.

“You can sit back down. I have what I need now.” You say nonchalantly, your gaze not leaving your work. “Okay, got it boss!” She says, seating herself almost immediately. “Would you like to give it a try?” You ask, typing one last line of key into the system before starting and holding the controller out to Toga. “This is gonna be so fun!” She excites, throwing her arms in the air and squealing. If everyone wasn’t looking at you before, they definitely were now.

“Okay, there are 31 enemies in the area, all of which are horrendously terrifying. They plan to kill you in the most awful ways, and if you get trapped I’ll pull you out right away.” You speed through the explanation, trying to be vague about the outcomes and twists so that she could not easily defeat the monsters inside of your game. “Got it boss!” She beams, grabbing the controller and getting sucked into your algorithm.

Shiggy couldn’t believe his eyes. Did Toga just get sucked into a video game? This was his every dream, and he feels the itch to want to talk to you and claim you grow with every passing minute. “Stop being a pussy and go talk to her, Scarface.” He hears a deep voice scoff. “Whatever patchwork” Tomura retorts.

You watched Himiko pass each fictional horror character with flying colors, each one of her tactics more impressive than the last. You were implementing her fighting style into the game while also observing her movements to know when to pull her out of the fake environment.

You were snapped out of focus when you heard Shigaraki seat himself beside you and you lift your head lifting up to give him a daring glare, silently lettting him know to screw off. “I saw your quirk.” He says, pointing to the green panel before you.

“Yeah, And?” You snort, going back to typing away at your keyboard. “I want to play.” He deadpans. “Fuck no. Go away.” You retort, shooing him off. “Why the hell not?” He growls, clenching his fists tightly. “Because you’re a dick, and I don’t like you.” You exclaim.

“You sound like a fucking 5 year old! Just let me play damnit!” He demands, looking at your unaffected expression. “No.” You respond. With Tomura’s distractions, you had completely forgotten about Toga, who was finished with the main course of the levels, and was waiting to be let in.

You use your quirk to let the luscious blonde back into reality, and listen as she gushes over the details of your powerful quirk. Well, that didn’t last long due to her noticing her former boss’ presence. “What are you doing here Shigaraki?” She asks, suspicion lacing her voice.

“I want to play her game.” He states, voice raising ever so slightly. You laugh at his confidence in the matter. “Oh, honey,” You start. “I am the game. And you have to be really special if you want to play me.” You giggle, packing up your stuff and leaving him there with a heavy blush.

ᴀʟʟ ᴡᴏʀᴋ ʙᴇʟᴏɴɢs ᴛᴏ ʙʟᴏᴡɴʙʏʙᴀᴋᴜɢᴏᴜ ©

[siberianoverture]

Don’t You Know - 2

A/N: Hi! English is not my first language and although I am pretty confident in it I know I make some mistakes. If you happen to find them please let me know! If you want to be added to taglist let me know! Enjoy!

previous: CHAPTER 1

Something wakes him from the dream he was having and he breathes with relief. It wasn't a nightmare but he was still left with an uneasy feeling.  All he remembers from the dream is some circular patterns being drawn in the sand by feminine hand he doesn't recognize whose but the patterns form stars and waves when he closes his eyes and it feels familiar. He turns to lie on his side and stares out the window watching the sunrise. He doesn’t bother trying to fall asleep. He rises when the compound fills with sounds of people staring their morning, changes his clothes, and with Sam's knock on the door, he falls back into his usual routine.

He is preparing to take a shower when the idea comes. He sits in front of his desk and opens the laptop. He stares at it for a while, not knowing what he's looking for. He stole five bags of serum, they made five Soldiers. Why was he looking for one more? Who was he looking for? He looks through the Winter Soldier program but alongside all failed experiments, beside him, there is only the death squad that lived longer than forty-eight hours and he knows they are dead. He saw them with bullet wounds in their heads.

He wonders for a while what would happen if they came before Zemo had killed them. Maybe he could have saved them, they could go to Wakanda with him and maybe they could have a chance at a normal life. He rubs his eyes. His life was not normal, not when he could remember everything, not when Soldier's and Bucky's memories were tangled together. Maybe it is better to be dead than remember.

He shakes his head trying to rid of these thoughts. He was alive and surrounded by friends. He had to hold onto that or he would drown in his own thoughts.

 Looking through other files he finds some experiments on Inhumans and a series of experiments where Hydra tried to transfer powers to soldiers. He finds his memories of it at the edge of his consciousness but he can't really recall them. There are no names on the file, just subjects and each one of them is a fail. He leans back in his chair and stares at the screen, tired, and tries to remember something he could focus on, base his search on, but there's nothing. When he sits straight and clicks cross to close the files he notices the file isn't complete, there's one page missing, but as soon as he sees his wallpaper it slips his mind.

*

The next day brings a quick recon mission with Steve, some old Hydra base was reported by citizens of a small city in Pennsylvania and Bucky knows they are only going to spend some time together. Steve's officially retired from being Captain America, passing the shield to Sam, but he's still active, helping in rebuilding S.H.I.E.L.D. He is happy but the change of workplace distanced him from his friends.

Deep down Bucky knows it's not a bad thing, having some distance between them. Steve did not change much, the scrawny kid from Brooklyn still in him, but Bucky did change. The Bucky Barnes Steve was fighting for was long gone and Steve had a hard time accepting this, he just wanted his friend back and the assassin understood. But he was someone else and he had to deal with it. There’s no use looking, that Bucky died when he fell, even if his body was stil alive. That's why his and Sam's friendship worked so well. Sam did not know him *before*, he had no expectations for Bucky to live up to, they could just get to know each other from the ground up.

The mission goes well, there was no reason for it to go sideways whatsoever. The base was old and abandoned so all they could really do is look for any remaining machinery or files but there's nothing and for some reason, Bucky is disappointed. He wasn't looking for anything specific but seeing the empty file cabinets sends a ping of anger. He dismisses it as having wasted his morning at a mission any newbie could complete.

They seal the entrance, set some sensors in case Hydra came crawling back, and they head back to Quinjet. Steve continues filling him on his life from the point he ended on when they landed, but Bucky can't force himself to listen.

*

He is sparing with Natasha when he finally remembers.

"Did I have a partner in Hydra?" he asks between hits surprising the redhead and she doesn't dodge in time and the hit lands at the side of her face. She swears under her breath and steps back.

"What?"

He repeats the question and focuses on her face.

"Why?" she asks back and Bucky shrugs.

"No reason, just curious," he tries to be as nonchalant as possible, "there were some teams but I don't remember having anyone by my side."

"I thought you remembered everything?" she asks with concern lacing her tone.

"I do," he is quick to assure growing more and more uncomfortable, maybe he shouldn't have asked, "just making sure I'm not missing anything."

Natasha turns her back to him and heads to the side of the training mat where her water bottle stands. She takes few sips before answering and he wonders if she's stalling or genuinely thirsty. Her shoulders are tensed up but without looking at her face he can't really decide, it could be from the hit she took.

"We worked together," she says turning to him and he nods, letting her know he remembers.

Bucky's mind goes back to the memories of their time working together, Black Widow and Winter Soldier. She seems to be lost in her memories too and smiles at him passing by to walk out of the gym.

"There were rumors of Winter Soldier working alongside a girl but it was just me," she says before closing the door behind her and Bucky feels like someone punched all air out of him.

It wasn't her.

next: CHAPTER 3

[misti2460]

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[witxh-bitch]

“Shortie” Connor x short!reader

thank you anon for the request! Honestly, this was highkey perfect for me cause I’m 5′1 heh

no warnings needed

Stopping by Jimmy’s bar with Hank after a solved case was in a way, an established tradition for Connor. This evening was the same.

After finally catching the “damn guy” as the Lieutenant nicely put it they made their way to the bar. The table they usually sat at was luckily empty, just as Hank liked it. No changes, no revelations, just some good old routine. Connor, on the other hand, enjoyed it because it gave him the opportunity to scan the area without bringing too much attention to himself.

And that’s where they were, Lieutenant already on his second drink and only beggining to tell another one of his life stories to his partner while the latter sat politely in front of him, taking in the information all while looking around for something more interesting to fixate upon. He wasn’t intending on being mean. As a matter of fact, Connor was able to multi-task. Scanning away and listening to Hank was not a problem to him at all. It was just that drunk Lieutenant didn’t really have a filter on what stories he already shared with his partner and which ones he did not resulting in Connor listening to the same story over and over again. Trying to be polite, the android never mentioned it, instead, he paid attention to other things all while letting Hank have his moment.

His eyes finally met an unusual sight. Only two tables away sat a group of teens, definitely not the typical crowd at a bar like this.

Connor scanned them and their drinks, his intended purpose taking the better of him. They were seventeen with the exception of two eighteen-year-old individuals. None of them drank alcohol though.

Connor nodded his head ever so slightly, in silent approval. He wanted to look away and return his attention to the buzzing man in front of him and yet… He couldn’t.

Even though everything was fine, no laws were broken, the android just couldn’t seem to take his eyes away from two particular members of the group, a boy and a girl. He was grinning, she, on the other hand, was frowning. Against his better judgment, Connor decided to listen in on them.

“Freaking… Bryan come ooooon!” The girl exclaimed in annoyance, reaching out and trying to grab a glass from the boy’s hand he held up too high for her. He chuckled, bringing it even higher when she almost got it.

“What’s wrong Amelia? Just take it.” He said with a grin.

“Ohhh you’re such a twat!” She groaned, standing up from her seat. Quickly, so did he. Connor noticed Amelia was shorter than Bryan was, enough so that the drink was still too high.

“C'mon shortie~ What are you gonna do hmm? Are ya- hmmph!” He got interrupted when the girl abruptly pulled him down by the collar of his shirt and smashed her lips against his surprising both him as well as Connor. Quickly, she snatched the glass from his hand pulling away at the same time.

“Thanks.” She said with a smirk sitting back down with her friends who were either in the middle of gasping in shock or cheering loudly and shaking Bryan by his shoulders.

“God damn man! Finally got a kiss from Ames!”

Connor looked away thoroughly confused. The scene he just watched made him wonder…

“So then I told him he can-” Hank began.

“-Lieutenant I have a question.” Connor interrupted him. The first looked up from his glass with a questioning look.

“Hmph… Rude. Go on.”

“Do women enjoy being annoyed?” Hank sneered at the blunt question. Connor really didn’t think this through…

“What?” He asked chuckling. “Where did you get that from? Besides, do I look like a person that has any clue whatsoever on what exactly is going on in a woman’s head?” Lieutenant had a point, Connor thought. The android nodded but he learned nothing new.

“You may continue with your story.”

_____

Connor looked into the office kitchen from his seat at his desk.

There she was… Making herself a coffee…

The android could never tell what was it about her that made him…feel this way. Like there was something malfunctioning inside him even though there was nothing wrong at all. This… Feeling often made him want things he knew he shouldn’t. He shouldn’t even know what those things were but… Undeniably every time she passed him, every time her hand brushed his and every smile she flashed him, without fail, those cravings would overcome him again.

Maybe it was the way she talked. Or the way she smiled politely at everyone, even Gavin? The way she was always ready to help, to clarify something he didn’t quite understand. Maybe it was because she was just simply beautiful or…Maybe it was all of those things at once?

Connor wanted to touch her. To kiss her. To hold her in his arms like humans did in all those movies. He wanted in return for her to touch him, kiss him, hold him in her arms and never ever let him go.

But… He was too scared. Too scared to try to approach her. He simply didn’t know how.

But then…As he was staring at his sweetheart, Connor’s mind traveled back to the night before and the couple of teenagers he saw.

Maybe he should try what the boy did? Maybe that was how humans typically… Started relationships. In any case, the idea of dating… It was all still such an enigma…

But Connor was determined!

He stood up from his seat and less than two seconds later he stood next to her. The girl flinched at the feeling of his body, towering over her suddenly appearing just behind her back. Compared to Connor, she was tiny standing at only 5'1 ft tall but god… He found it so charming.

“Connor! Oh you scared me…” She said, putting a hand on her chest, eyes wide.

“Hello Y/N.” He said with a smile. Just moments prior to this he was so confident in what he was doing. Now… When he was this close, this close to her… His mind went blank again. Should he really be doing this? The boy that went by ‘Bryan’ go a kiss from it yesterday, maybe so will he?

Connor’s mind raced to find some sort of a statistical view of the situation, at least that he was good at. What were the odds he will succeed? What was the best angle?  Statistically speaking, how plausible was it that she’ll just reject him? All these questions and yet no answers… Connor never had these problems before. Perhaps there was a fault in his programming he should report to CyberLife. A mere bug that prevented him from finding the solution to his… heart problems.

“Hello, Connor. How is your day going?” She asked sweetly once the shock left her, taking her mug out of the express and putting it aside while she reached for the sugar and creamer. Connor watched, utterly captivated as she stood on her tiptoes to reach for the vanilla sugar on the top shelf. She mumbled a swear before jumping up and finally getting it.

“I’m fine, thank you.” Y/N nodded flashing Connor a pleased grin, completing her coffee and putting back the toppings. Before she could grab her drink though, Connor did. He held it in front of her, trying his best at a cheeky smile. “That’s… my coffee can I get it ba-” Y/N looked at him confused and reached out but he only lifted it higher in the air.

“Take it, if you want it.” Connor almost purred. She raised her brows, unable to form a comprehensible sentence.

“Connor what are you…” She tried again only to have him do the same thing he did before. “Hey, what the hell I want my drink, Connor!” Y/N stepped closer to him and extended her arm up as high as she could without success yet again. He was too tall and she was too short but her craving for caffeine was strong and she wasn’t about to give it up.

“Detective, it’s right there you can just take it.” Y/N huffed at Connor’s almost patronizing tone. She had no idea what the hell he was on about.

“Are you glitching? What’s going on?” She groaned, putting her hand on Connor’s shoulder in an attempt to pull him down so she could reach. Standing on her tiptoes, so close to him, Connor felt like maybe this will actually work in the end. He couldn’t help but grin, his thirium pump beating faster and faster.

“ C'mon shortie~ What are you gonna do?” He asked, boldly. Boldly enough for Y/N to stop in her tracks and pull away from him. She first raised her brows then frowned, putting her hands on her hips.

Uh oh…

“Okay, Connor what is going on?” She asked, visibly concerned. “You never acted like this before, is everything okay?”

Connor froze. This was not what happened yesterday…

“I uh…” Connor hung his head low and put the cup down. “I apologize, Y/N. This won’t happen again.” Just as he was about to leave in shame, she gently grabbed his arm, pulling him back.

“What’s wrong, Connor?” Y/N pushed on. He stayed silent for a second, looking for an appropriate answer. The way she looked at him… It intimidated Connor so so much. He felt stupid… Embarrassed. Why did he think this would work?

“I was at a bar with Hank yesterday and there were these teenagers and… I suppose I just thought that this was how humans started relationships because she gave him a kiss and-” Y/N suddenly started laughing. The sound startled Connor but at the same time, he found it quite pleasant to the ear. He felt his cheeks warming up.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” She waved her hand dismissively. “Connor, you were trying to flirt with me?” He said nothing, only smiled shyly, looking away. “That’s how kids flirt Connor. Don’t get me wrong though I think that was very cute you tried to gain my attention that way. I’m flattered.” Y/N smiled kindly, moving closer to him.

“You do?” He asked surprised.

“Of course. That was really sweet.” Connor grinned in relief. Y/N’s smile softened a bit and she put her finger on his chest, feeling his heart beneath it. There was a pause where neither of them said anything.

“So…” She broke the silence, beginning to trace circles on Connor’s chest, making him tense up. “Does this mean you’d like me to kiss you?” She asked with a smirk. Connor swallowed, nervously and nodded. Y/N giggled, looking down. There was a faint tint of a blush spreading across her features. Connor was glad he wasn’t the only one burning up at that moment. “Tell you what…” She began, looking back up at him. “I’ll give you a kiss on the cheek now and we’ll see where it goes from there okay? I’m free on Saturday we can continue then and I’ll show you how to date more like an adult. No more of that childish stuff even though, I’ll admit, it was quite cute.”

“Okay.” Connor replied simply making yet another giggle erupt from her throat. Y/N put her finger underneath his chin and gently pulled him down. She turned his head to the side and placed a soft kiss just next to the corner of his lips, giving him a taste of what’s to come before she moved away completely and finally taking her coffee, she walked away, leaving him with a cheeky wink.

Well… This definitely wasn’t what Connor expected to happen…

[benjikarofsky]

We Need to Talk || Para

WHO: Benji Karofsky (@benjikarofsky), Franco Del Rio (@southsidefranco), and Topher Pierce (@topherxpierce​).

WHERE: Benji’s apartment

WHEN: 31st May 2019

NOTES: Deciding to bite the bullet, Topher and Benji finally tell Franco about their feelings and suggest a compromise.

TRIGGERS: Arguing, verbal violence, slight physical violence. ‘Blink-and-you’ll-miss-it’ mentions of the following: drug use/benders, (non-explicit) self-harm, chloroform use

BOLD: Benji

ITALIC: Franco

NORMAL: Topher

WORD COUNT: 3995

"Are you sure you're ready to do this, Toph?" Benji asked quietly, turning on the bed so he could see his best friend.  They were currently in Topher's room, and they had finally decided that they were going to rip off the band aid to Franco, but Benji was already having second thoughts. "I... What if he freaks and tries to hurt himself? Or relapses again? ...I don't wanna hurt him."

Topher glanced up from his phone when Benji's voice grabbed his attention and he closed the notes app in order to show he was paying attention. "I know I'm ready to do this and I also know that you don't want to hurt him. I don't want Franco to be hurt by this either, but sometimes you gotta take a risk or two. Plus, there are plenty of people keeping an eye on him. It'll be alright."

Benji bit his lip and nodded. "Okay... Time to do this." He stood up, took a deep breath, then walked to the doorway. "Franc? Babe? Got a sec?" he called, poking his head into the hallway.

Franco had been laying on the sofa, watching some television when he heard the call from Tophers room. He sighed and pushed himself upwards and walked down, curious as to why they wanted him. He pushed open the door and leant against the frame, “You guys called?” He asked, “Better be good, I was watching Friends”.

Benji nodded. "Yeah, um... You might wanna sit down," he suggested. He took a breath and moved back over to the bed, sitting next to Topher. "Toph and I wanted to talk... it's. It's kind of a complicated matter..." he rambled, looking down at his hands. He couldn't do this. He was too afraid of the fallout.

Topher gave a tiny wave of greeting as he sat up and carefully considered his own set of words. "First off, please do take a seat. Anywhere really. Secondly, Ben and I have kind of been going back and forth and we just want to basically bring an idea to you. Get feedback, that sort of thing," he chimed in.

Franco side eyed Topher, not really his biggest fan but having found him tolerable recently and moved over to an empty space of wall, sliding down it to sit and listen, "OK, why do I feel like I'm about to be ambushed or something?" He asks, looking up at the others, "Why don't you talk to me Benj... Tell me what the heck is going on? If you want me to leave I can you know, I'll just move back to Sunnyside".

Benji shook his head. "Of course I don't want you to move out. You just got back completely. Besides, I love you." He bit his lip and looked down, unable to meet Franco's eye. "...but I love Topher too," he added, his voice barely audible. "I... I want to be with both of you..."

Topher's own gaze had flicked elsewhere because while things were improving between him and Franco, there was still some very thin ice between them. Nonetheless, when Benji seemed to be trailing off, he cleared his throat lightly as a signal that he wanted to jump in. "What we're trying to say is that the idea is a polyamorous type thing. Like, you get to date Benji and I also get to date him. Hell, if things improve between us, we could end up dating too. But for now, it's just you and I dating Benji."

Franco was glad he was sitting down, it felt like he'd been punched in the stomach and his breathe was catching in his throat. Willing himself to keep breathing, he looked at Benji with confusion on his face and tears building in his eyes, "I don't understand" he said, trying to keep his voice level, "People don't do this poly...polyam.... whatever the fuck the word is". He stood himself up, looking any where but at the other two as he tried to stop his emotions from boiling over and shook his head, "How can you love me and him the same?" he said directly to Benji, "I know I've no room to talk but have you been cheating on me?".

"I don't know how, Franc! I just know that I do!" Benji snapped back, his eyes not leaving the floor. "Love isn't finite, Franc. It's not like people have 3 cups of love or something and that's it! Love is endless and, apparently for me, I love you both." He hadn't looked up quite yet, but by now he was at least finding his voice. "I love you, Franc. You know by the way I look at you... the way I hold you... the way I'd give anything to you that that's true. But my love for Topher has never changed or faltered either. And it's not going to," he admitted. 

At Franco's second question, Benji finally looked up. "Never." Benji said truthfully, latching his eyes on Franc while he continued. "Because I love you too much to be anything but faithful to you; I'd never do anything without your knowledge. I haven't done anything unfaithful. We haven't even kissed."

"Guys," Topher chimed in with his usual annoyingly calm tone as he glanced between them after he'd had his fill of listening. "Going off of what Ben said, love works in a wide variety of mysterious ways. Some people will go above and beyond in order to make their partner happy whereas in cases like this, others may find themselves in love with more than one person. There are people who are currently in or have been in poly relationships before. We just don't hear about them because of the whole 'one person for life' schtick." 

He had to admit that the question about potential cheating stirred up some anger, yet he just maintained the same serene as possible appearance. "And I wouldn't dream of coming between you guys. I've been a dick in the past, but that's one move I wouldn't dare to make," Topher added.

Franco felt like he couldn't breathe. He took deep intakes of breath, no control to them whatsoever and be looked to the floor, "You love each other" he said, not to anyone in particular, "And you want me to love you both too?". He was confused and hurt and not sure how to handle this. 

He turned and put his hands on the wall, willing himself to breathe. He didn't want Benji to see him like this. The sheer panic in him making him want to run, "I don't understand" he said twice, "I can't breathe".

"I want you to let me love you and Toph..." Benji tried to explain, standing up and walking towards him, slowly. "I'm not asking you to do anything but keep loving you. I just... We want you to let me love Topher too. It's two separate things. Our relationship stays the same. We'd just be adding another." 

He made it closer to Franco and pulled him into his arms. "Baby, breathe... If you're not comfortable, then we'll forget we ever said anything."

Topher gave a light nod as he continued to listen then shifted so that if needed, he could stand up at a moment's notice. "Franc, just take a deep breath, alright? In for three seconds, hold for four, then out for seven," he lightly stated as he tried to calm his own racing heartbeat. Witnessing a loved one's panic attack never got easier as time went on. In fact, it only made his heart weigh just a bit heavier in his chest. 

"Listen, if you don't want me to be involved, then just say the word and I'll back out. We can move past this, I'll support you guys and generally have your backs," he added. "Your comfort outweighs everything else, which goes for both of you."

Franco felt his breathing increase and he felt like he was falling apart. Willing himself not too, scared of he destruction he could cause if he did. He felt Benji's arms around him, his shakes increasing from the feeling, "It doesn't stay the same" he breathed out, the emotion in his voice evident, "You won't stay in bed with me every night. You won't hold my hand in the street. You won't kiss me when we cuddle". 

He shook his head, "I thought I was helping you move on? I thought I helped you move on?" he asked, each word broken with another attempt to breathe right. He pulled himself from Benji's grip, "Why are you both doing this?"

"I can do all of that, Franc. We'd just have to work it out. Of course I'm gonna kiss you when we cuddle. Of course I am," Benji whispered, not sure how to slow his boyfriend's rampage. 

When Franco pulled away, he looked down. "...You became someone that I love with all my heart, Franc. But... I didn't stop loving Topher." He bit his lip. "...I'm not doing anything. Just say no and we'll forget it ever happened."

"Like I said, I'm more than willing to take a back seat or get taken out of the equation completely," Topher reminded. "There's an adjustment period for just about everything in life and this would be no different. But once again, the power is in your hands. Either we give this a trial run or go back to regularly scheduled programming." 

He finally planted his feet on the floor and leaned forward as he cleared his throat once again in order to gain attention. "It felt like the right thing to do, bringing this idea to you. And I hate sounding like fucking broken record, but we don't have to do this if you don't want to. Your vote is the last one needed as to whether we all take a chance together or you guys continue on your merry way while I sit from the sidelines as a supportive friend."

Franco gulped and shook his head, "I can't say no to this" he said, as if he had no other options, "The one thing I want is for Benji to be happy and I told you the other day...." he looked to face Topher, "I told you if Benji knew you had feelings for him, he would want you". 

He felt his hands shaking and took a deep breath, "I can't do this" he said through gritted teeth, "I can't give you an answer right now". He knew he could, knew he needed to calm down a bit first, "Fuck" he said as his breathing increased once more, "I can't fucking breathe".

"You can say no, Franc... It's okay." He walked closer to Franco, but kept his hands up, at first, not wanting to make the situation worse. But as soon as he noticed that Franco's hands were shaking, he pulled him back into his arms, wanting nothing more than to calm him down.

"It's okay, Franc..." he whispered, holding him tight. "It's okay, Baby... breathe. ...Never mind, okay? Forget I said anything," he cooed, using the soft tone he usually tried to calm Franco down with. "...I love you; just breathe."

Topher had to fight the urge to roll his eyes at the reminder and instead just pushed himself up off the bed. "Again, you can say no. We can adjust accordingly either way. Abracadabra and all that nonsense," the former Serpent chimed in then moved so he could lean against his nightstand. 

"But Franc, please try to breathe. In for three, hold for four, out for seven. Repeat that as many times as you need to, alright?" Topher attempted in a calm tone, similar to one that a parent might use with a child who got scraped up in the yard.

Franco continued to try and fight for his breathing to control and to keep his surge of anger at bay. He did not need to hurt Benji and the man was holding him. He also did not want Topher to see the shit Benji did, "I don't want to stop you two from playing happy families" he finally said, his anger sounding out in his voice. 

He felt himself trembling and suddenly he wanted the drugs. Wanted to numb himself the only way he knew how. He pushed Benji off him and headed for the bedroom door, "Fine, I'll go and make sure I forget anything was said" and he swung the door open, heading to the lounge

"Franc, it's not like that at al--" Benji started, cut off by the surprise of Franco pushing him away. "Franco, no!" he yelled, breaking into a run to catch his boyfriend before he made it out the doorway; he frantically hugged Franco from behind and started to rock him, knowing that this was usually the way he calmed him down. "That's not what we meant... We'll never bring it up again, okay? It'll be like we never even considered it. Just... stay sober, Baby. Please. I can't handle watching you relapse again."

Topher moved to stand in the doorway of his room and couldn't help the mental debate about whether or not he should increase his involvement or stand back. "Exactly. We'll lock the idea back up and just forget about it. We can go right back to normal or whatever that is for us. You guys go off on dates, have a grand old time as a couple. I'll stay here, do stuff for my online classes or at work and look after Cortana." 

He had to admit, this hurt quite deeply, but there was no way he'd make that remark. While part of him wanted to take the leap of faith needed for a trial run, too much seemed to be at stake. So, the former Serpent just leaned against the doorway to his room and kept his gaze trained on the floor as he attempted to hold his tongue.

Franco was too focused at this point. He didn't want to be in this house. He couldn't forget this. Couldn't move on from this, "What would either of you care" he screamed, wanting free from Benji's grip, "You both have each other now. You love each other... I want to go and do what I need to do" he added, his voice wrecked with tears and emotion. His body shaking uncontrollably.

"Franco, you have to stop!" Benji yelled, holding Franco tighter. "Of course I care! I love you! I'm sorry we even suggested it, okay? We're just gonna forget it and go back to our regular lives; we can have breakfast and read Harry Potter... anything and everything that you want. Just us. I'm so sorry I even suggested it, Baby... Please calm down."

"And I care too, even though I've had a funny way of showing it recently," Topher fired back as he moved closer to Benji and Franco. "You guys won't even know I'm around unless you specifically request my presence. It'll be like there's a ghost in the apartment, so hopefully that helps minimize worry. I'll keep a respectable distance, this fades to the back of our minds, then everything is fine again."

Franco shook his head, "You don't get it do you" he said through gritted teeth, "I say no and you both are unhappy. I say yes, I have to once again adjust to a situation I'm not comfortable with". He pushed at Benji harder, "Let me fucking go Benji" he breathed, his voice low and warning, "Let me go.... You just got better".

"Saying no won't make me unhappy," Benji whispered, still refusing to loosen his grip. "Franco, I love you and you make me happy; if I can't have Toph, that's okay." He sighed, keeping one arm wrapped around Franco to keep him still and silently waved Topher back from them with his free hand--he knew Franco's tone; this wasn't going to be pretty, and he couldn't afford to have a physically-hurt Topher along with an emotionally-hurt Franco. 

"There is no better. You're both amazing in different ways. I wouldn't have fought for you if I didn't think you were perfect for me. Franc, why don't you see th--" he sighed, "--forget it. Just know that I'm not letting go of you; physically or otherwise."

Topher took exactly two steps backward as his gaze locked on both Benji and Franco as the determination set in. He wouldn't back down anymore because he was willing to make things work, no matter how outside the box the solution would have to be. Plus, while he had intense doubts about his own merits, he remained tight-lipped because that was a debate for another day. Instead, he opted for what he hoped sounded like a reassuring enough tone as he stated, "And I'll take happiness however I can get it, friendship being the supplier in this case." 

"So, with all of that in mind, do we have the final vote?" He questioned a few moments later.

Franco scoffed, "A final vote is that Benji lets go and I walk out of here to think". He turned his attention back to Benji, anger in his eyes and his voice even more dangerous, "Let me go" he spoke, gulping... "You remember what happened last time. You ended up drugging me so let me go". He knew it was low and he knew he had to stop bringing it up but his anger stopped him thinking rationally.

Benji rolled his eyes, then kept his gaze locked on Franco. “I did that to keep you safe while you went through withdrawals. You know that, I know that, and the fact that you think you can bring that up every time you’re upset with me is ridiculous. So much for getting more mature, huh, Franc?” He swallowed hard, his eyes still on his boyfriend. “If I let go of you and you leave this apartment, I will never forgive you.”

"You will accomplish absolutely nothing if you walk out the door," Topher chimed in as he fought the urge to take a step forward. "It might feel like it at the time, but boy howdy, that would be a lie of fucking epic proportions. Wouldn't it be better to stay here and hash things out than turn around just to run for the hills? Better if everything is left out in the open now instead of leaving it up in the air for people to worry and wonder about."

Franco couldn't believe this. In his mind, both the boys had turned on him, "You did do it though" he hissed out, "You numbed me then and I want to numb me now" he breathed. He gulped, "Yeah, I'd say we are past forgiving each other. You knew something like this would make me want to leave and yet you still said it all. You expect me to just keep calm about this? Let me go Benji, please" he begged.

“I numbed you to keep you safe. I came to you because I wanted to be completely honest with you. Because I love you. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have said anything. I’m not expecting you to keep calm! I just wanted to air things out without you immediately turning to drugs! I thought we were done with this, Franc!” 

He stayed silent for a moment, then whispered, “...fine” and finally let go of Franco.

Caution thrown to the wind, Topher took a step forward as he kept his gaze locked on Franco. "Damn, back at it again with recycling arguments," he remarked. Another step forward as he added, "Different people handle situations in a wide variety of ways, it's part of that whole 'no two people are the same' speech that makes us human." 

"You've got a lot of nerve, singing the same fucking song over and over again. I can only imagine what you're going through right now, but are you seriously willing to put yourself and everyone else through hell on Earth again due to whatever the mother fuck this is? Because if that's the case, then I've got a whole new speech prepared for you and it starts like this," Topher rattled off then turned to look at Benji. "Ben, I'm so fucking sorry." With that, the former Serpent lifted his free hand and aimed to punch Franco.

Franco was glad to be free but Tophers words stopped him in his track and was about to reply when he felt a fist collide with his face and felt blood start to run from his nose. He recoiled and grabbed his face, catching some of the blood in his hand, "The fuck Topher" he shouted, shock on his face. He looked at Benji and it was like something flipped inside him and he felt the panic, he hated blood, his blood and his eyes widened, "Ben, I'm bleeding" he said simply

"Wha--Toph!" Benj yelled, completely caught off guard by Topher winding up to punch. He tried to grab one of them before his punch connected, but to no avail, leaving him speechless, standing between the two of them. It took until Franco called his name for Benji to start processing what happened. 

"I'll fix it, Baby," he cooed, pulling a few tissues from the box on his desk and pulling his boyfriend into his arms so he could take care of him. "Topher..." he said through gritted teeth, unsure where to even start.

Shock had a funny way of getting rid of adrenaline and it took all of Topher's might to not buckle under the weight of what he'd just done. At the same time, he tried to regain his annoying calm as he rattled off, "I already know what you guys are about to say and I'll show myself out. Tonight or tomorrow?"

With that, the 18 year old turned back around in order to head for his room. He drew the hood of his jacket up over his face just in case the tears that threatened to escape actually followed through. "Your guys' wish is my command and all that fuckery. Just send a text my way or something, I'll consider it my eviction notice," he remarked over his shoulder. Once Topher stood in the doorway of his room again, he muttered something under his breath that vaguely resembled an apology, yet kept a low tone and his blue eyed gaze trained itself on the floor.

Franco sat on the floor taking the tissues from Benji and pressing them to his nose, "Talk to him" he said, his voice hollow and numb now. The shock of the punch was what had calmed him, "Tell him he has to give me time to process this but tell him he comes near me in the next 24 hours I'll smack him harder then he'll know what to do".

Benji sat with Franco, his arms still wrapped around him. When Franco spoke, he nodded, then took a breath--if Franco was going to be mature about this and he was the one who was punched, he knew he could do the same. "Toph," he called, his tone more tired than upset. "We're not kicking you out. Just... leave Franco alone while he processes everything, okay? At least a day--probably more like a couple--but in the meantime, this is still your apartment too;  you're important to me and you deserve to be here."

Topher had already perched himself back on his bed with his guitar in his lap when Benji's voice grabbed his attention. He feigned the tuning process even though he'd performed it just yesterday because at least it kept his eyes focused anywhere else. "Yeah, I can do that," Topher answered yet once again had to hold his tongue. If he deserved anything, it was to be sent packing, but he wasn't about to turn down the opportunity to stay. "Thank you, thank you both."

[fanfictionconnectionwordpress]

RFA + minor trio... MC with anorexia? I'm sorry if this bothers you, you don't have to answer, I'm just going through a rough patch and it would help. Thank you.

***I am not bothered, although, I am very concerned about you anon, please make sure that you eat and if you are having trouble, there are many anonymous hotlines you can call for help. Take care of yourself please T_TAlso, reminder, it is always best to seek professional help, the RFA characters are just normal people at the ebd of the day though and I have to work with *their* personalities not necessarily what is best for you. They are not perfect, but they try really really hard. ~Let’s Connect! FFC***

Characterbreakdown: Good ending canon characters, Secret ending 02 Saeran, V from theoriginal routes with no operation, my version ofVanderwood as seen in my VanderwoodBackstory Fanfiction

-

Jumin:

His first indication that something was wrong was that you wouldn’t eat dinner with him

The one time you had eaten dinner with him, he’d questioned you time after time as to why you only picked at your food rather than truly eating. He’d noticed how you shrunk into yourself when he asked, but he wasn’t sure

As time went on, he saw how thin you were getting, the way you seemed to be so wispy and weak

Jumin immediately began researching all of your symptoms, at first coming to the conclusion you had cancer, thanks WebDoc, but upon actually confronting you, the truth came out

His face had a total change. “MC. You should have told me much sooner.”

He was somewhat business like, getting you the best of doctors and therapists, but whenever you were alone he was so gentle, offering you small portions of snacks that he even had made himself instead of calling for the cooks

Every step of the way, Jumin was there with a gentle or a tough love manner as needed, reminding you just how beautiful and loved you were, especially when healthy

-

Seven:

With his own eating habits and sleeping schedule, it takes him a long time to notice that you were eating like a rabbit, very little and not nutritiously whatsoever, but what was he supposed to say that wouldn’t make him hypocritical?

He figured that you were just like he was, an irregular lifestyle that still kept you healthy, right up until he rolled over to pull you close and he felt just how thin you’d gotten

Seven recoiled from you, staring at you open mouthed for a while and you kept asking him what was wrong and what had gone wrong, but he played it off as everything was fine

The next morning, for some reason, Vanderwood was there cooking small snacks and marking them

Seven came up to you and pulled you into his arms, all pretense of joking gone as he told you that everything was okay, and you were both going to do better from here on out

He would tell you how amazing you looked with every pound you gained, making a nifty little scale that would count downwards the amount of pounds you needed to gain rather than showing a scale that went upwards so as to help your psyche handle it

You were both able to eat healthier, and the small meals with an actual schedule really helped Thanks to Vanderwood’s cooking.

-

Jaehee:

She was constantly trying to offer you more food when you would just pick at your lunch at the cafe’

Jaehee, being the person she is, simply just let it be, thinking you must have just been one of those people who ate very little for lunch and more for breakfast and dinner

It became more concerning as you began to collapse during your shift from fatigue and general lack of energy

“MC, this is it. We’re going to see a doctor.” Not only was not being able to complete your shift inappropriate, but she was also really worried about her partner

Once it became apparent that you were anorexic and had become intensely underweight, cue momma Jaehee mode

It was almost like having your own personal assistant as she took charge of your needs and vetted the proper therapist/nutritionist for you

Even though it was an added expense: “It’s best to leave this to the professionals.”

She would reward you with Zen movie marathons when you made healthy choices, and who’s going to turn that down?

-

Zen:

He notices almost immediately that you’re losing weight. Not that he’s constantly looking at you or anything

Zen continues to try to get you to be honest about why you were losing so much weight, but it wasn’t until he found the size 0 ‘Goal pants’ in your closet along with a number of women’s magazines all based on the ideal body type that he understood

Once he confronted you, you revealed that you felt inadequate next to him, even more so when people were criticizing your appearance online

Cue Zen taking cooking classes just so he could make you healthier meals, becoming your personal trainer to teach you how to properly work on your body, and praising you constantly, even more than he ever had before, my beautiful Babe~

-

Yoosung:

This boy was making you food constantly for your dates, but you always seemed to not have much of an appetite, and it made him think you hated his cooking so he just tried harder!

It wasn’t long before he noticed the way his hoodie seemed to swallow you up when you’d wear it at his place, and…snuggling you seemed to not be as cozy anymore

As a vet medicine student, he confronted you and demanded you see a doctor because he was afraid you were ill. Your refusal and eventual breakdown that you were just anorexic made his violet eyes go wide

“But MC, you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen…” His astonishment quickly turned to determination. “My precious girl won’t be allowed to suffer any longer!”

Along with his vet homework, Yoosung takes it upon himself to study how to help people with eating disorders and even goes to group meetings with you to make sure you’re comfortable and feel safe

-

V:

Thanks to his loss of vision, he can’t see much of you to begin with, so he doesn’t notice the weight loss or really how little you eat until the two of you start to get physical with each other

It’s only all too apparent to him that you’re severely underweight, and he asks for Jumin’s help in getting you appointments with the best doctors in town

He knows all too well at this point that he can’t expect to heal your problems with love and pretty words, so he makes sure to enter a program for enablers as well so that he can be of most help to you

His insistence on checking your waist line all the time is somewhat unnerving at first, but you soon find it to be a comforting part of your relationship and sweet how he is checking on your progress

Expect many compliments once you’re at a healthy weight

-

Saeran:

It’s not like he was the proper weight when he got out of the hospital, but his wasn’t because of an eating disorder

He simply couldn’t understand why you would turn down food when he’d grown up being denied of food

Eventually, he couldn’t help but snap at you over it, causing a big mess of tears as you told him the truth

Saeran felt so horrible after the truth came out, wanting to lock himself up in his room for hurting you so badly, and he did there for a little while, which only made you eat less. It wasn’t until Seven came to check on you and found you passed out and impossible to wake that you were taken to the hospital

Your boyfriend just felt even worse now, but Seven was able to shake some sense into him that the reason it had gone so badly wasn’t because he had hurt you but was because you needed his support and him by your side, which helped to get him to break out of his own insecurity that you hated him for snapping at you

It was very touch and go, but the two of you learned to be more patient with each other through the entire ordeal

-

Vanderwood:

Your refusal to eat the portion he’d made for you was immediately met with irritation. “This is the right portion size for a woman of your age and height.”

He was smart enough to realize that once you mentioned eating less because ‘I’m so fat’, despite being quite small, that you had an eating disorder

Vanderwood started to make smaller meals more often during the day, tricking you at first into eating properly until you had a breakdown on the scale because you’d gained weight

After that, he simply disposed of the scale, convincing you that you had a problem and needed to see a doctor not long after

He worked tirelessly to make sure you were getting proper activity and meals, letting your doctor take care of the emotional aspects associated with your disorder

The way he saw it, you’d helped him through his problems, so to make you happy like you made him, he would do whatever it took

-

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[triplet-vo]

the best laid plans (pt 1)

DigiOTPWeek Day 11: Disney AU

Word Count: 1820

Pairing: Izumi Koushiro/Tachikawa Mimi

Palmon looked, then looked again. She scratched her head. “He’s… not your usual type, is he?”

Mimi’s head whipped around, “What do you mean? I don’t have a type.”

“You sort of do.” Palmon ticked off her vines. “Tall, kind of brawny, with good hair and good style. Remember?”

Sniffing, Mimi took her puppy back from Palmon. “Well, maybe. But I’m allowed to appreciate different types of people, aren’t I? And – anyway – I wasn’t staring!”

The Digimon’s grin was knowing. “Whatever you say, Mimi.”

“Ugh, you’re impossible. Katsu, I hope you never learn to be difficult to Mommy like Palmon is,” Mimi cooed to the puppy, who woofed and licked happily at Mimi’s face. She giggled.

Palmon glanced back at the man on the bench. He really wasn’t Mimi’s usual type at all. But maybe that was a good thing. Her friend had had a string of terrible luck with men lately, and Palmon had started to feel helpless over the fact that Mimi couldn’t find someone who appreciated how special she was. Bench-Man might not have the looks (or, to be honest, the height) of the men of Mimi’s past, but he had kind eyes.

Eyes that were worth getting to know, in her opinion.

“You should talk to him,” suggested Palmon, reaching over pack up their uneaten picnic food.

“I could never! What would I even say?”

“Saying ‘hi’ sounds like a good start to me.”

Mimi shook her head and pointed out, “He’s busy working on something on his laptop. He’d hate it if a stranger just bothered him. I know I would.”

Hmph. Palmon was of the opinion that if someone wanted to work undisturbed, they would have either stayed at home or gone to someplace quiet, like the library. Out in the open in the park was the very opposite of quiet. “I bet you’re just scared,” she said slyly, trying another tact.

Wagging her finger, Mimi stuck out her tongue. “I know what you’re trying to do. But I’m not being a coward. I’m being polite. You should try it some time.”

What else could Palmon do but stick out her tongue at that?

Katsu began to scramble for the ground, and Mimi obligingly got to her feet. “Looks like this little one wants to play. Shall we all play fetch?”

“After I drink water,” Palmon promised. They parted ways: Mimi and Katsu for the field, where there was space to run, and Palmon for the water fountain. While she was there, she ruminated on what she could say to help Mimi change her mind. That, of course, was impossible. Mimi was very stubborn and she seemed dead set against even going over to say hi.

Of course… if Palmon figured out a way to bring Bench-Man over to Mimi instead…

“Are you done with your work yet?”

“Almost, Tentomon. I have to run one last test on this program before I send it to Willis for final checks. How was your walk?”

“It was very good.” The Digimon buzzed up to his shoulder level so that he could look, hooking Kondo’s leash onto the bench. The dog lay panting in the shade behind Koushiro’s feet. Tentomon said, “Do you think this one will be successful?”

“The test or the whole project?” asked Koushiro, distracted as he set the last test parameters.

“Both.”

“It’s highly probable that the test will succeed. The whole project, on the other hand, is only a possible success for now.” He set the test to start, and they both watched anxiously as the progress bar began to tick: one percent… five percent… eight…

Neither of them noticed when Kondo lifted his head, having seen a chicken drumstick hanging from a strange vine nearby, drifting back and forth tantalizingly just out of the dog’s reach.

“Hmm. Where did Palmon go? She said she was just going to get water.” Mimi looked worriedly over the field, shading her eyes from the sun. There were so many people and Digimon out today, and to make matters worse, Palmon did tend to blend in the greenery a little too well.

Katsu licked at Mimi’s calves and she looked down grinning. “Shall we play some more? Or do you want to look for Auntie Palmon so we can go home?” She rubbed at Katsu’s ears, and the puppy barked once. “Okay, we’ll play a little bit longer. Fetch!”

“Sweet success!” Grinning, Koushiro backed up the data to his cloud before powering his laptop down. He slipped it into his messenger bag. Then he stood up to stretch. “This calls for a celebration. What do you feel like doing tonight, Tentomon? We can do anything you want.”

“To celebrate?” The Digimon looked like he was a loss for words. “Can we go out to eat?”

Koushiro nodded. He put on the bag and took Kondo’s leash in hand. “Of course we can. Anywhere you want to go. Is there a particular cuisine you feel most hungry for?”

Tentomon rubbed his face. “To be honest, Koushiro, I will be happy eating anything besides junk food and oolong tea. It’s all we’ve been eating lately. I don’t know how much more I can handle.”

“Ahh… ” Koushiro winced. “You’re right. I’ve been pretty neglectful these past few days, haven’t I?”

“It’s nothing I’m not used to. It’s a good thing I was here to take care of Kondo.”

“I would be useless without you, my friend,” said Koushiro, quite sincerely. “And – whoa! Kondo! Kondo, stop! Where are you going!”

I’m a genius, Palmon thought gleefully. Bench-Man’s dog – and if his also being a dog owner wasn’t a sign that this was fate, then Palmon would forgo food and eat fertilizer for a month – had done exactly what Palmon had intended. As soon as that drumstick had left her vines, it had gone racing off after it, dragging along its owner by the leash. Bench-Man’s partner Tentomon buzzed quickly after them.

“It’s a good thing he’s short after all,” Palmon said to herself, watching dog and Bench-Man heading for a direct collision course with Mimi and Katsu, “because that would have never worked if he was Mimi’s usual type.”

Then Palmon saw her throw had overshot. Rather than landing on the ground just in front of Mimi, the drumstick had splashed in the pond just behind Mimi.

I’m an idiot.

There were so many dogs and so many people at the park that Mimi had completely tuned out all the sounds around her to the exclusion of Katsu. Therefore, she had no warning whatsoever when dog and human plowed right into her with so much force that all three of them were propelled into the water.

Mimi’s first thought, when she surfaced, spluttering, from the water: I just bought this dress yesterday!

Then, wiping her face and only belatedly remembering that she hadn’t been wearing waterproof mascara: I am going to kill someone.

She brought herself to her complete height, fully intending to unleash her wrath on the poor soul who had the gall to shove her into the slime-infested pond – only to come face-to-face with the cute nerd she had been sneaking peeks at all afternoon, now looking completely hapless and anxiously concerned across from her. Before Mimi could even finish processing what was happening, he was already halfway through his rapid apology and helping her step out of the pond with him.

“Stop!” Mimi cried out. He did so immediately, his mouth snapping close. “I didn’t understand a word of what you just said.”

He bowed deeply to her. “I take full responsibility for what happened. You see my dog – Kondo,” he gestured at the soaking wet but happy dog, who was currently eating some disgusting thing it had fished out of the pond, “for some reason decided to chase across the field. I was holding onto his leash but he was really determined and – ”

“He ran right into me and knocked us all in the pond,” Mimi finished. She sighed, all of her anger deflating out of her. If it had been someone playing games to knock her into the pond, she would have given them a piece of her mind. How could she get mad at a dog, though?

“I really am very sorry to have gotten you mixed up in all this.”

She sighed again. “Things happen. It’s not your fault. I mean, we both got knocked into the pond together.” Then Mimi’s actually registered what she had said. “Oh no! Did you get your laptop wet too?”

“What? Oh – oh.” He groaned unhappily.  “Well, it’s not the end of the world. I did back up all my work. But still… it’ll be a lot of work to set up a new laptop now.” He looked down at his dog, whose leash was now being held quite firmly by a Tentomon. “Thanks a lot, Kondo.”

The dog barked at hearing his name, and Mimi couldn’t help but giggle. “Beautiful dog. And you know what? It’s such a coincidence. I have a Dalmatian, too.” She whistled, and her puppy came trotting over. “This is Katsu.”

“Hello, Katsu.” He bent to scratch the puppy behind her ears. She closed her eyes in pure bliss. “She seems very sweet. Did you name her after the, ah, the musician? I mean, the singer. From the band?”

Amused, Mimi shook her head. “Actually, Katsu is her nickname. I named her after Katsushika Oi.”

“Ah, the artist? A fan of the ukiyo-e style?”

“I’m an artist by trade,” Mimi explained, impressed by his knowledge. It wasn’t the kind of reference that she expected people to know. “What about Kondo? Who did you name him for?”

“I named him after Koji Kondo. A music composer, though I don’t think - ”

Mimi began to smile. “You mean the composer for Mario and Zelda?” She laughed when he blinked at her in amazement. “A few of my friends really enjoy playing video games. It’s hard not to pick up things after listening to them go on and on about it.”

“Koushiro is a video game developer,” the Tentomon offered up when the man – Koushiro – seemed to have been stunned into silence.

“Ahh, I see.”

Palmon returned then, her eyes wide as she took in the scene. “What happened here?”

Mimi waved her hand. “We had a small accident. But look Palmon! We’ve made some friends.” She grinned widely, hoping to convey wordlessly to Palmon that she was not to say a word about their earlier conversation regarding Koushiro.

“I didn’t catch your name,” Koushiro said, having recovered from his momentary loss for words. He stood up. “We’ll need that, I think, to be friends.”

“Tachikawa Mimi,” she said, sticking out her hand.

He shook it. “Izumi Koushiro.”

Strangely, she didn’t want to let go. From the peculiar look on Koushiro’s face, he seemed reluctant to let go, too.

<< Day 10: College AU | Day 11 | Day 12: Disney AU (pt 2) >>

[dailyaudiobible]

05/12/2017 DAB Transcript

1 Samuel 12:1-13:23 ~ John 7:1-29 ~ Psalm 108:1-13 ~ Proverbs 15:4

Today is the 12th day of May.  Welcome to the Daily Audio Bible.  I am Brian.  It's good to be here with you today as we round the corner toward the end of another week. We’re not there yet.  Let's not get ahead of ourselves.  We have been learning about Israel's first king, Saul, and he's had a great victory and rallied the people together and this is a good point to just point out watch this.  Watch this story unfold.  Watch Saul. Look for yourself in Saul.  Not everything is going to be you, but look for the things that he is doing and why he's doing them because it becomes a very, very close mirror into our lives because we’re very, very quickly seeing cause and effect, like where the road goes, and it is supremely helpful.  So we’ll dive back into this story – 1 Samuel chapter 12, verse 1 through 13, verse 23 -- and we’re reading from the God's Word translation this week.  

Commentary

As we’re getting to know Saul, the first king of Israel, we should notice that it is kind of doomed before it ever really, really gets going.  The prophet Samuel comes to Saul today because of what he's done and basically tells him as much, that this is not going to work out and God is going to pick somebody else.  But we’ve already learned a lot from Saul.  And we’re nowhere near done learning from him, but let's just look at it.

When Saul is open to the Spirit of the Lord, he becomes something greater than he is.  He is even prophesying with the prophets or he's rising up and people are following him into battle.  But when Saul is not open to the Spirit of the Lord, he's diminished and he shrinks. So he's prophesied with the prophets and that spread through the land to the point of a proverb, like a euphemism, like a slang term.  “Is Saul now one of the prophets?”  This becomes a saying.  That is when he's open to the Spirit of God.  And then when he's about to be anointed king and God is calling clans and tribes and families and people out to show who is going to be the king, Saul can’t be found anywhere and when they finally do find him he is hiding.  He's hiding in the baggage, which should say something to us. When Saul is open to the Spirit of God he's prophesying.  When he's not, he's hiding in the baggage.  Now we have our own lives in front of us.  Boom! Now we have a mirror.  

So what we had in today's reading is that the Philistines have been provoked and they have been kind of lording it over Israel now.  There is this back and forth between the Philistines and the Israelites throughout most of the Old Testament, but the Philistines have the upper hand at this point and they won't even let the Hebrews have weapons.  So they are about to go into battle and they have gone into a little battle, but it is just basically assembling the armies. So Saul is waiting for Samuel to come and seek the Lord's favor in the battle and Samuel doesn’t come on time. And Saul is sitting there watching his army disintegrate.  So he feels like he has to do something and what he decides to do is basically take on the role of Samuel and seek the Lord's favor for himself with a sacrifice, which is not what God told him to do.  And Samuel had been explicit with the people and with Saul.  “All you have to do is listen and obey.  That is all you have to do.  That is all you’ve ever had to do.  It's all any of you have ever had to do, but you won't do that.”  And Saul doesn’t do that.  And what is his excuse?  “I felt pressured into sacrificing the burnt offering.  You didn’t come when you said you would.  The Philistines were assembling.  I thought ‘now they are going to come against me and I haven’t sought the Lord's favor,’” and so he's beginning to see all of the excuses, all of the elaborate intricate ways that Saul is trying to explain himself while deferring blame for his own actions onto some other set of circumstances or some other person which he will continue to do.  

We do this kind of stuff and I point this out now because there is a lot to learn from Saul.  We went through the entire life of Joseph.  It seems like forever ago, way back in those early books, but Joseph was doing the right thing in spite of every wrong thing happening.  We learned a lot from Joseph.  There is plenty for us to learn from Saul.  

Prayer

Father, we invite you into this territory that we’re in, this good fertile ground, this trail, this patch of path that we’re following through this hard portion of the Bible.  It is so rich in drama and intrigue and humanity and choices and people and it is a retelling of so much of the story of our own lives.  So we invite you, Holy Spirit, to begin to awaken us to these facts. To not just listen to stories that have drama and keep our attention, but to also look deeper and understand that these stories are speaking to our hearts and they are telling our story and you are giving us such wisdom in where these paths lead.  So come Holy Spirit, we ask.  In Jesus’ name, amen.  

Announcements

Www.DailyAudioBible.com is the website.  It's home base.  It's where you find out what is going on around here, so check it out.  Be sure to check out the Daily Audio Bible Shop. There are resources that are available for the journey along this path that we’re on going through the Bible this year.  And check out the Prayer Wall while you’re there.  People are continually posting and praying and responding and it is a great place for that.  So check it out.  

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible, you can do that at www.DailyAudioBible.com.  There is a link.  It's on the home page.  Thank you. Thank you.  Thank you for your partnership.  If you're using the Daily Audio Bible App, you can press the More button that is in the lower right-hand corner or if you prefer the mail, the mailing address is P.O. Box 1996, Spring Hill, TN 37174.

And, as always, if you have a prayer request or comment, (877) 942-4253 is the number to dial.

And that’s it for today.  I'm Brian. I love you and I’ll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer Requests and Praise Reports

Hello Daily Audio Bible family.  This is Leonard from Brooklyn, NY.  I'm Saved by Grace and I'm calling because I’ve been meditating on a scripture for the last few days and I would like to share.  It's 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 and it states, “Rejoice and pray continually. Give praise in all circumstances for this is God's will concerning you in Christ Jesus.”  These are commands, Daily Audio Bible family, commands we can’t possibly hope to fulfill on our own, but if we ask anything according to God's will, he hears us and we can be confident that he will answer us.  So my prayer request for me and for the rest of you guys, let's pray for this together, is that we can do this and our lives would be a testimony.  We won't need words as much because we’ll be living out the gospel.  That would be such an amazing testimony to the glory of God. Thank you.  Thank you, Daily Audio Bible family.  Thank you, Brian.  I love you guys.  Be blessed. Be encouraged.  Thank you.  Bye-bye.

Hello Daily Audio Bible.  My name is Sarah.  I'm a longtime listener, first-time caller as I’ve heard many people.  I'm calling for I have a prayer request for my children, for their salvation, that God would draw them closer to him.  And I pray specifically for my younger son and his girlfriend as she has just been diagnosed with a liver disease and they are talking about hospice.  They are so young.  I just pray that God would do a miracle in their lives.  I pray for their salvation, that God will open doors that will allow us to go into their lives and share God's love with them.  They are pretty private.  I just ask that they would be open to letting me sit with her and just love on her and pray with her.  Pray with me that God would lead them to the right doctors, that people would explain things to them because there are a lot of things that they don’t understand and they are going to the doctor alone.  I just pray a miracle, that they would just be surrounded with God's love, that God would use these doctors as his tools.  God is in control.  He is our physician.  Ultimately, he knew her before she was born.  He wove her in her mother's womb and I just pray for a miracle for their lives, both my son and his girlfriend.  I thank you all for your prayers.  I thank you in advance as I pray with you daily, every single prayer request I am in agreement.

Hi, this is Pastor Joanna.  This is the first time calling.  I’ve been listening for several years now.  I love the program.  I want to reach out to I think it was a grandmother who was talking about their grandchild who is not tolerating the formula.  I think they were premature.  Anyway, we had the same situation with my grandson.  He wasn’t premature but he had a really bad allergy to the formula they were giving him and we found out he could not drink any formula that had a milk base. He ended up going through 12 different formulas by the time he was two months old and they finally prescribed him a formula that is amino acid based.  It has no milk whatsoever in it and he's tolerating that just fine and he's going to be eight months old and he's doing great.  So I just wanted to reach out to you and hope that helps you.  Maybe you would want to talk to the doctor about it, but I want you to know that I'm going to be praying for your grandchild.  God bless you.  Bye-bye.  

Hi, this is Megan calling from beautiful British Colombia.  First time calling in.  God put it on my heart this morning to encourage those of you who are thinking about going to Israel, who have come up with lots of excused not to go, to trust God for provision and for protection on that journey.  I know that I had an experience two years ago to go.  I didn’t want to go to Israel.  I didn’t have the money or the time and God removed all those obstacles for me and allowed me to go.  It was an experience I will never forget.  He really changed my heart in the Holy Land, so I want to encourage.  If you’re thinking about going, I want to encourage you to trust God to guide you there.  Thank you family.  And I thank you for your prayers and I pray for you all every day.  Thank you.  

Hi, this is Stanley from Maryland.  Hello to Stan from Maryland.  I'm glad we acknowledge that we both have the same name.  Hey, I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm praying for you guys. I am seeking the Lord myself and he's been so great to me.  He's been showing me how much he loves me lately and how he cares and that he is a faithful God.  You know, I change but he stays the same.  He is a God of love and he chooses to love us throughout whatever we go through, so I'm just here to give a word of encouragement to trust in the Lord with all your heart, do not depend on your own understanding, but in everything you do, acknowledge him and he shall direct your path.  Thank you so much, Father, for everything that you’re doing in our lives.  Thank you that even though things don’t always seem hopeful, things don’t always seem happy, things don’t always seem right, things don’t always seem good, things don’t always seem like they are going to work out, we thank you that you are faithful and that you have come for your people and that the prayers of the righteous will not be forsaken.  Thank you so much Lord.  We love you. You are our hiding place.  You preserve us from evil.  You surround us with songs of salvation.  And as we go throughout the rest of this day, may your Holy Spirit be with us.  Alright you all, have a good rest of your day.  Bye.  

[whorchataaa]

Maternal Mental Health: Mommy Brain?

Before having a child of my own, I spent 3.5 years working in a home based child abuse prevention program. I would screen new mothers for postpartum depression and help link them to mental health resources, while I was working on my master’s degree in social work to be a therapist myself. I would listen to them talk about “postpartum” when referencing their emotional state after giving birth and constantly heard the phrase, “I have mommy brain” or “I don’t know what’s going on with me, I’m not myself.” Never did I truly understand the weight of these phrases until I gave birth to my daughter earlier this year. 

When discussing maternal mental health, most people only know to ask about postpartum depression (PPD), but there are so many more facets of maternal mental health that need to be asked about and talked about in general. Physicians screen for PPD at appointments, but most of the time the screen isn’t discussed with the mother unless she scores in the “high risk” category and no follow-up is made if not. The questions ask about sleep, joy, laughter, and coping. I remember answering these questions three weeks postpartum and at the time thinking, “well, duh, I am not coping as well as before because I am learning a new role.” So I was honest, but I didn’t have a “high” score on the screen, so the physician saw the low score and then didn’t ask me a single additional question about my mental health. If the PPD screen was low, I must be doing fine right? 

At this very appointment, I had actually been having intrusive thoughts and fears since being released from the hospital that somehow my child was going to be hurt. I had these scary images of her falling out of my arms when I walked down the stairs, or falling off our balcony, or stopping breathing at night. Some days it took all I had to push these images out of my head. I talked with my husband about these thoughts and he helped me to manage them and checked in to see how my mental health was many times throughout each day. He encouraged me to seek help as needed. Thankfully, these thoughts subsided with each passing day as I became more comfortable in my role as a new mom, but I felt so alone in these thoughts and feelings. Why had no one warned me about this? 

Everyone told me I would be bringing home this new person, but they didn’t warn me that I would be a new person too.

I am now doing great with no intrusive thoughts whatsoever and my daughter is 2 months old. My thoughts stopped in what is considered a “normal amount of time” but I know I am lucky in that sense. Thankfully I have a wonderful support system at home and I am educated on mental health topics and warning signs because of my career, so I knew when something was off with me, but all I could think about was, what if I wasn’t educated? What if I had no support and no one to check in? What happens to all the women who aren’t fine but score “low” on the PPD scale? What happens when women are experiencing a different maternal mental health issue that doesn’t fall under the postpartum depression umbrella? What about the dads and partners that are struggling with the transition? The adoptive parents?

So, I started doing my research. Not only can new parents experience postpartum depression (notice I said parents – fathers/partners can experience this too), but they can also experience postpartum anxiety, postpartum OCD, and even postpartum psychosis. 13% of new mothers in the US, 19% in other countries, are reported to experience some type of perinatal mood disorder (World Health Organization). This statistic likely doesn’t include adoptive mothers, and even more likely doesn’t include fathers and partners. 

WHY does no one talk about these mental health concerns with pregnant women and new parents?  Why is the only image we have of maternal mental health a mom hurting her baby? 

We have to do better.

The first way I can contribute to doing better is by sharing my postpartum experience with others. I experienced intrusive, scary thoughts for several weeks postpartum. I wasn’t coping with them well at first, and I was crying and fearful more than ever. I talked about them, shared them, tackled them with support, and it didn’t make me a bad mom.

I now have a “mommy brain” and I am proud of it because that means I care about the safety and wellbeing of myself so that I can care for my daughter and keep her safe as well. I am not the same woman I was before I gave birth to my daughter and I am still getting to know this new woman who came home from the hospital a few months ago. My priorities are different. My self-care needs are different. My worries are ever changing. 

But my power and strength and resilience — they are all growing by the day — and I am so incredibly proud of this new person I am becoming. 

Find Help and Support:

https://www.postpartum.net/get-help/locations/ 

Resources

World Health Organization (n.d.). Maternal and child mental health. https://www.who.int/mental_health/maternal-child/maternal_mental_health/en/

from https://ift.tt/2PM0075 Check out https://peterlegyel.wordpress.com/

[ashley-unicorn]

Maternal Mental Health: Mommy Brain?

Before having a child of my own, I spent 3.5 years working in a home based child abuse prevention program. I would screen new mothers for postpartum depression and help link them to mental health resources, while I was working on my master’s degree in social work to be a therapist myself. I would listen to them talk about “postpartum” when referencing their emotional state after giving birth and constantly heard the phrase, “I have mommy brain” or “I don’t know what’s going on with me, I’m not myself.” Never did I truly understand the weight of these phrases until I gave birth to my daughter earlier this year. 

When discussing maternal mental health, most people only know to ask about postpartum depression (PPD), but there are so many more facets of maternal mental health that need to be asked about and talked about in general. Physicians screen for PPD at appointments, but most of the time the screen isn’t discussed with the mother unless she scores in the “high risk” category and no follow-up is made if not. The questions ask about sleep, joy, laughter, and coping. I remember answering these questions three weeks postpartum and at the time thinking, “well, duh, I am not coping as well as before because I am learning a new role.” So I was honest, but I didn’t have a “high” score on the screen, so the physician saw the low score and then didn’t ask me a single additional question about my mental health. If the PPD screen was low, I must be doing fine right? 

At this very appointment, I had actually been having intrusive thoughts and fears since being released from the hospital that somehow my child was going to be hurt. I had these scary images of her falling out of my arms when I walked down the stairs, or falling off our balcony, or stopping breathing at night. Some days it took all I had to push these images out of my head. I talked with my husband about these thoughts and he helped me to manage them and checked in to see how my mental health was many times throughout each day. He encouraged me to seek help as needed. Thankfully, these thoughts subsided with each passing day as I became more comfortable in my role as a new mom, but I felt so alone in these thoughts and feelings. Why had no one warned me about this? 

Everyone told me I would be bringing home this new person, but they didn’t warn me that I would be a new person too.

I am now doing great with no intrusive thoughts whatsoever and my daughter is 2 months old. My thoughts stopped in what is considered a “normal amount of time” but I know I am lucky in that sense. Thankfully I have a wonderful support system at home and I am educated on mental health topics and warning signs because of my career, so I knew when something was off with me, but all I could think about was, what if I wasn’t educated? What if I had no support and no one to check in? What happens to all the women who aren’t fine but score “low” on the PPD scale? What happens when women are experiencing a different maternal mental health issue that doesn’t fall under the postpartum depression umbrella? What about the dads and partners that are struggling with the transition? The adoptive parents?

So, I started doing my research. Not only can new parents experience postpartum depression (notice I said parents – fathers/partners can experience this too), but they can also experience postpartum anxiety, postpartum OCD, and even postpartum psychosis. 13% of new mothers in the US, 19% in other countries, are reported to experience some type of perinatal mood disorder (World Health Organization). This statistic likely doesn’t include adoptive mothers, and even more likely doesn’t include fathers and partners. 

WHY does no one talk about these mental health concerns with pregnant women and new parents?  Why is the only image we have of maternal mental health a mom hurting her baby? 

We have to do better.

The first way I can contribute to doing better is by sharing my postpartum experience with others. I experienced intrusive, scary thoughts for several weeks postpartum. I wasn’t coping with them well at first, and I was crying and fearful more than ever. I talked about them, shared them, tackled them with support, and it didn’t make me a bad mom.

I now have a “mommy brain” and I am proud of it because that means I care about the safety and wellbeing of myself so that I can care for my daughter and keep her safe as well. I am not the same woman I was before I gave birth to my daughter and I am still getting to know this new woman who came home from the hospital a few months ago. My priorities are different. My self-care needs are different. My worries are ever changing. 

But my power and strength and resilience — they are all growing by the day — and I am so incredibly proud of this new person I am becoming. 

Find Help and Support:

https://www.postpartum.net/get-help/locations/ 

Resources

World Health Organization (n.d.). Maternal and child mental health. https://www.who.int/mental_health/maternal-child/maternal_mental_health/en/

from https://ift.tt/2PM0075 Check out https://daniejadkins.wordpress.com/

[brentrogers]

Maternal Mental Health: Mommy Brain?

Before having a child of my own, I spent 3.5 years working in a home based child abuse prevention program. I would screen new mothers for postpartum depression and help link them to mental health resources, while I was working on my master’s degree in social work to be a therapist myself. I would listen to them talk about “postpartum” when referencing their emotional state after giving birth and constantly heard the phrase, “I have mommy brain” or “I don’t know what’s going on with me, I’m not myself.” Never did I truly understand the weight of these phrases until I gave birth to my daughter earlier this year. 

When discussing maternal mental health, most people only know to ask about postpartum depression (PPD), but there are so many more facets of maternal mental health that need to be asked about and talked about in general. Physicians screen for PPD at appointments, but most of the time the screen isn’t discussed with the mother unless she scores in the “high risk” category and no follow-up is made if not. The questions ask about sleep, joy, laughter, and coping. I remember answering these questions three weeks postpartum and at the time thinking, “well, duh, I am not coping as well as before because I am learning a new role.” So I was honest, but I didn’t have a “high” score on the screen, so the physician saw the low score and then didn’t ask me a single additional question about my mental health. If the PPD screen was low, I must be doing fine right? 

At this very appointment, I had actually been having intrusive thoughts and fears since being released from the hospital that somehow my child was going to be hurt. I had these scary images of her falling out of my arms when I walked down the stairs, or falling off our balcony, or stopping breathing at night. Some days it took all I had to push these images out of my head. I talked with my husband about these thoughts and he helped me to manage them and checked in to see how my mental health was many times throughout each day. He encouraged me to seek help as needed. Thankfully, these thoughts subsided with each passing day as I became more comfortable in my role as a new mom, but I felt so alone in these thoughts and feelings. Why had no one warned me about this? 

Everyone told me I would be bringing home this new person, but they didn’t warn me that I would be a new person too.

I am now doing great with no intrusive thoughts whatsoever and my daughter is 2 months old. My thoughts stopped in what is considered a “normal amount of time” but I know I am lucky in that sense. Thankfully I have a wonderful support system at home and I am educated on mental health topics and warning signs because of my career, so I knew when something was off with me, but all I could think about was, what if I wasn’t educated? What if I had no support and no one to check in? What happens to all the women who aren’t fine but score “low” on the PPD scale? What happens when women are experiencing a different maternal mental health issue that doesn’t fall under the postpartum depression umbrella? What about the dads and partners that are struggling with the transition? The adoptive parents?

So, I started doing my research. Not only can new parents experience postpartum depression (notice I said parents – fathers/partners can experience this too), but they can also experience postpartum anxiety, postpartum OCD, and even postpartum psychosis. 13% of new mothers in the US, 19% in other countries, are reported to experience some type of perinatal mood disorder (World Health Organization). This statistic likely doesn’t include adoptive mothers, and even more likely doesn’t include fathers and partners. 

WHY does no one talk about these mental health concerns with pregnant women and new parents?  Why is the only image we have of maternal mental health a mom hurting her baby? 

We have to do better.

The first way I can contribute to doing better is by sharing my postpartum experience with others. I experienced intrusive, scary thoughts for several weeks postpartum. I wasn’t coping with them well at first, and I was crying and fearful more than ever. I talked about them, shared them, tackled them with support, and it didn’t make me a bad mom.

I now have a “mommy brain” and I am proud of it because that means I care about the safety and wellbeing of myself so that I can care for my daughter and keep her safe as well. I am not the same woman I was before I gave birth to my daughter and I am still getting to know this new woman who came home from the hospital a few months ago. My priorities are different. My self-care needs are different. My worries are ever changing. 

But my power and strength and resilience — they are all growing by the day — and I am so incredibly proud of this new person I am becoming. 

Find Help and Support:

https://www.postpartum.net/get-help/locations/ 

Resources

World Health Organization (n.d.). Maternal and child mental health. https://www.who.int/mental_health/maternal-child/maternal_mental_health/en/

Maternal Mental Health: Mommy Brain? syndicated from

[musiccosmosru]

Our clients come from diverse communities with varying needs and rich backgrounds. We may not always know how best to support them in their journey to wellness. In this article, I hope to specifically address the ways in which you can support your trans and gender nonconforming clients. Educating yourself on working with trans and gender nonconforming individuals will not only benefit your business but also your clients’ lives.

Being an advocate for underserved communities is a lifelong passion of mine. I have had the privilege of serving members of the LGBTQIA+ community as well as folks in larger bodies virtually my entire time as a coach. By sharing some of my experience and things I’ve learned along the way, I hope this information supports you in your work as well as your personal life.

The more you learn and practice being an effective support person, the more you’ll notice how truly needed you are.

Depending on where you live and how diverse your area is, you very well may be the only service provider your client encounters who has any competency whatsoever working with gender diverse clients.

1. Update Your Intake Forms

Language is important — the terms you use on your forms as well as your conversational terminology absolutely need to be in alignment with your clients’ terminology. If you haven’t already updated your forms to include trans-inclusive language, now is the time.

For example: are you currently asking your clients their “sex” or “relationship status?” If so, why?

Consider what it is that you’re hoping to learn by gathering this information. Instead of asking about one’s “sex,” try asking for their pronoun* instead. While “gender assigned at birth” is the preferred terminology for “sex,” remember that if you’re not directly working with an individual’s sex organs, you don’t need this information.

Clients will disclose information when and if they deem it necessary. Note that when you ask about surgeries in your intake, your client may or may not disclose any gender confirmation procedures they’ve had.

You can offer opportunities for clients to share more about themselves and feel more comfortable by offering open-ended questions when possible instead of checkboxes. You don’t need to prepare a form for every possibility; you can allow your clients to choose the language that suits them best!

2. Respect Confidentiality

Clients gender identity, gender assignment at birth, or sexual activities are absolutely no one else’s business. They are in fact only our business if it directly affects our ability to serve them.

If a colleague asks you any personal questions about your clients (for example, trying to “figure out” their gender identity), it is your responsibility to respect their privacy and potentially use it as a teaching moment for your colleague. While trainers aren’t required by law to follow HIPAA standards, it’s certainly respectful, adds to the integrity of the coach-client relationship, and is likely to be recommended by your certifying body’s code of ethics.

3. Understand the Medical Procedures

There are several procedures that individuals may receive and I’m going to discuss the two most common procedures. I will include resources at the end of the article as well for you to refer to if you would like more information.

It is important to note that not all trans or gender nonconforming people choose to pursue surgery as an option.

Even when surgery is something that an individual would like to pursue, accessing surgery may not be an option due to the cost, lack of insurance coverage and lack of providers in the area.

When people do not have access to a surgical procedure that they need in order to feel comfortable in their body, it can drastically change their relationship with their body, their feelings of safety, and their ability to feel comfortable in fitness or wellness spaces.

The two most common procedures are vaginoplasty and mastectomy with chest reconstruction [1].

Considerations When Working With Individuals After Chest Reconstruction

When working with folks who have had a chest reconstruction it is common, but not always the case, that the individual may have a history of chest binding. This is a process that folks use to minimize the appearance of breast tissue and some may have done this process for years.

Because binding is restrictive there is likely some work to be done to encourage your client to breathe deeply and fully, and to address restriction along the sides of the chest and lats both pre- and post-chest reconstruction. It’s also not uncommon to see an exaggerated kyphotic curve (i.e., rounding of the upper back) with these clients.

In attempting to correct any postural dysfunctions, it’s important to be gentle and understanding — realize that your client’s gender identity and safety may be in play with this posture. I strongly encourage my clients to spend some time on their own, in a safe space, working on their breath, filling their chest and belly fully, allowing their chest to expand.

I also work with them on increasing mobility in the lats and armpit areas as well as their upper back with a roller or lacrosse ball. This will greatly support them in increasing their range and freedom of movement. Often with these clients, I focus work the back muscles more than the chest muscles.

In addition, when using tactile cues (touching to cue) always ask permission first, no exceptions. Trans and gender nonconforming individuals are more likely to have experienced physical violence in their lives than their cisgender counterparts [2].

Considerations When Working With Individuals After Vaginoplasty

When working with folks who have a had a vaginoplasty, there are a few important things to know, starting with what it entails, both in terms of the anatomy involved and the potential exercise indications both pre- and post-vaginoplasty.

A vaginoplasty is a extensive two- to six-hour procedure that removes one’s existing penis, testicles and scrotum and creates a vaginal canal and sensate clitoris.

I would suggest any client seek out a trans-competent pelvic health physical therapist one month prior to surgery and then again about two weeks post-surgery. Ideally, their surgeon will have an appropriate referral for them, but it’s always a good idea as a coach to have your own referral network.

Individuals may take four to six weeks off of work to recover from this surgery. This surgery will make walking difficult for quite a while, though short repeated walks can help in the healing process. All bodies are different, of course, but you can expect to not work with your client for several weeks to two months post-surgery.

When work with the client resumes, be aware that walking and sitting on any kind of cardio equipment (such as a bicycle) may still be uncomfortable. Also note that with a vaginoplasty comes the risk of prolapse, therefore it is important to avoid the valsalva maneuver or holding one’s breath while lifting [3]. I always cue to exhale on exertion, and my suggestion would be to address core stability, breathing and pelvic floor before anything else.

There are several articles already on the GGS blog about isolating and training the pelvic floor muscles; this includes strengthening as well as learning how to relax the pelvic floor muscles. Those recovering from a vaginoplasty will need to learn how to intentionally relax the pelvic floor when they start dilation procedures, which will start one to two weeks post-surgery.

Dilation is a process of post-operative care that involves inserting a dilator inside the vaginal canal to preserve its shape and depth, and that should be continued to some degree for the duration of the person’s life. With this in mind, it’s important that your client has the capacity to intentionally relax their pelvic floor muscles.

4. Stay in Your Scope of Practice and Refer to Trans-Competent & Body Respecting Providers

In any given session I may find that my client needs a service I am not qualified to provide. It could be a mental health counselor, a Health at Every Size dietitian, physical therapist, and the list goes on and on. I do not try to fit myself where I do not belong. I am a strength and life coach and that’s where my expertise ends. I am always trying to expand my list of referral partners.

I work with populations who are consistently underserved and finding other trans-competent providers isn’t always easy and I consider it a part of my job as coach. This means doing the work of calling or visiting an office and making an appointment to speak with someone about their practices and experience serving trans and gender nonconforming patients.

If you think this is time-consuming or a challenge for you, imagine what it’s like for your clients.

Do yourself a favor and do the work. Your clients will appreciate it immensely and you will make yourself known as a coach who truly cares about your clients.

The author would like to thank Daniel Dugi III, MD and Sandi T. Gallagher, P.T. of OHSU Transgender Health Program for their help in reviewing this article.

Read also: Creating Welcoming Gym Environments for Trans and Gender Nonconforming Athletes

References

Standards of Care for the Health of Transsexual, Transgender, and Gender Nonconforming People, 7th edition, The World Professional Association for Transgender Health, https://www.wpath.org/media/cms/Documents/SOC%20v7/SOC%20V7_English.pdf

Hate Violence Against Transgender Communities Fact Sheet, Anti-Violence Project, National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs, National Advocacy for LGBTQ Communities, https://avp.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/ncavp_transhvfactsheet.pdf

Meltzer, T, MD, Vaginoplasty procedures, complications and aftercare, Center of Excellence for Transgender Health, https://www.healthline.com/health/transgender/vaginoplasty#recovery

Additional Resources

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The post 4 Ways to Support Your Trans Clients Pre- and Post-Op appeared first on MusicCosmoS.

[silly-little-nerf-header]

@katsudon-fatalexeros My writing partner

Sun shone through the small window of his room, head rose from the pillow with a groan as he fell back against it and snuggled into his blankets. It was warm, he was warm and he didn't want to move until he was attacked by a tongue licking the whole of his face. "Okay, okay. I am avake." He chuckled softly, wrapping himself in a robe and wiping off the slobber. Not the best wake up call but a good one. A yawn escaping his lips as he moved through the rooms to the kitchen.

Hair hung loosely in his face a slight amount of want hiding in crimson optics, no no no he needed to stay on his diet or Viktor would never train him. A heavy sigh and the not so slender frame moved away from the breakfast grabbing a protein bar instead....green tea and some form of chocolate....yum. Moving ear buds were placed in his ears has he walked out ready to stretch.

Another yawn, depending on how he slept depended on his ability to morning. He was sloppy while he ate, acting as if he'd never eaten a good meal in his life. "Good vorning, Yuri!" He wiped his mouth quickly nut a board smile on his lips. "Are you ready for the training?"

Palms rolled down his calf has he bent over looking back towards the other male."Morning Viktor I was doing warm up before a run."Suddenly he was aware of the way his shirt didn't exactly fit his frame anymore and that the track outfit wasn't much better. Quickly he pulled himself out of a bent state."Uh eat and I'll meet you at the rink in an hour."Twenty minutes of running and then the rest spent walking up and down flights of stairs a heavy sigh and he was out the door with a wave pulling his hood over with a small groan.

He blinked slowly and nodded, never letting that broad smile cross's his lips as he nodded, still with a mouthful of food. Inspiration, that's what he needed and he knew he would find it in Yuri. Not to mention, there was something about him that drew Viktor in, wanted him to protect the young man of 23. He took his time, getting dressed and making his way to the rink. Somehow he still managed to make it there before Yuri. Standing in the middle of the rink like a stick, white skin stinking out against the ice.

Twenty four ---twenty five he rolled off the soft heave of his breath slowly shaking his chest. Another five pounds down only two more pounds until he was goal weight to step in the rink and did he ever miss skating. Running back to the castle rink he was flustered cheeks turned beet red and chest rising and falling in an uneven pattern."Viktor I'm...here sorry I'm late." Sure the chub there honestly wasn't much but skaters were meant to look a certain way and at his age twenty three could be considered old

He turned, looking slightly displeased before another brilliant smile crossed his lips. "It is okay." He gave a thumbs up as he looked around before moving with grace off of the ice. He was very watchful of Yuri since he'd become his coach, watching his weight with him and giving him the encouragement that he needed. Leaning against the wall, tapping his finger to music that wasn't playing, a smile broke his lips. "Vhat are you thinking about for your performance?"

The performance he hadn't thought of anything for one because he had done nothing more than train since the elder male had arrived. Those crimson optics scanned fondly over the ice striking....almost has striking has what connected to it. A slight shake of his head and a single finger to push glasses up."My coach has always picked my routine."

He arched a white brow at that. His coach had never picked his music, not once. A fond smile crossed his lips as he walked back onto the ice, taking Yuri's face in his hands and staring into his eyes. "I vant you to pick your own music." One of his hands moved to lightly rest on Yuri's chest over his heart. "I vant you to feel comfortable vith it." He blinked once before he spoke again. "Or do you never vant to eat Pork Cutlet again." He couldn't help the little tease.

There was that little drop in his features the way his eyes got sorta big and it was enough to make him look far to innocent. Man he really should get a life if pork cutlet bowls where his weakness. "I'm still not up to weight but almost."His fingers played with one another the slight fullness still in his face has sadly the door busted open and he was quick to pull apart. A loud voice heavy in accent yelling at Viktor....ugh why did it sound so familiar

He cringed a little at that ad he looked over Yuri's shoulder. "Yuri!" He let go of the other Yuri but stood slightly rigged as he crossed his arms against his chest, wondering why he was here and why he couldn't escape Russia without being followed.

And so the younger male went to speak of a promise he was made by the other male. A program all his designed by Viktor, Yuri could only stand there dumbfounded has he was once again insulted for the weight gain.. His head sorta down cast has he stepped away from the ice this choice was entirely Viktor's to make

There was some fast talking Russian being yelled back and forth and it sounded like Viktor was scolding the 15 year old for being rude. He would tell them both in two weeks his choose, both of them had to rival for their performance. Yuri 2 looked like he was ready to kill as Viktor strolled after Yuri 1. "Are you okay?" There was a smile on his lips but his eyes where filled with concern.

"Oh yeah I'm fine."He said it with perhaps a pretty pathetic smile but it was said and a few hours later Yuri was told he would eros.....Eros love the sexual kind...how was he supposed to do such a thing he wasn't exactly experienced in the field. Sure he had liked people but it had never been more than just that. The next day seemed to pass no different has he arrived first thing in the morning the rink empty has he slid on skates. It felt like heaven to feel his blades back beneath him

He had purposes arrived later than Yuri, wanting to see exactly what kind of raw talent this man had. His arms remained crossed as he watched the practice, tapping hid finger against his arm at the music that filtered through the rink. It wasn't until Yuri 2 arrived that the atmosphere in the room seemed to change. Rivals. That's the first thing that came to mind. Yuri lacked a certain confidence that Yuri 2 didn't. He wondered why as he continued to watch.

Yuri may not have the confidence the other skater had, but his frame moved fluidly the step work beautiful and in time has he danced to the theme chosen for him. The playboy stealing one girls heart and than another but it seemed off something unwitting about the story and a jump was lost has Yuuri came into the building. Agape love that would have played to his strength

That night, dinner was mostly eaten in silence. Viktor silent on his own accord a he tried to figured out the best way to help boost this amazing person to see himself as the star he was. 30 minutes later caught him singing a Russian song in the shower and the muffled words echoing through the house. It wasn't often that he sang but he was hoping it would lighten someone's mood.

The bath house for the late soak his slender digits now rested softly against the rocks. Warm rag placed on top of ebony locks, he could hear it that soft thrum of Russian the words foreign to him but it sounded beautiful sounded warm. Perhaps it was inexperience that had him believe the other male was close to him. Shaking his head the cloth fell away and he moved further back into the steam

"Yuri!!!" He didn't seem to have any sense of shame, walking out into the bath house with wet hair, water dipping down his face and naked as a Jay bird. No shame whatsoever as he began to do squats and stretches in front of him. "Tomorrow ve vork on your technique." He still held the same wide smile.

Yuri was quick to cup his nose back now turned to the other male in embarrassment, the twenty three year old did have shame...apparently a lot more than the other male could ever have. A flush of crimson has he nodded into cupped hands." Yes Viktor, I'll be up first thing for you."Why did the other male have to look that way and damn it what exactly did he feel for him. His gaze once more turned with his body

He couldn't help but chuckle at the way Yuri was acting. It almost made him feel fuzzy inside but Russians didn't have feelings. That would be ridiculous. "Tomorrow then." His voice sounded a little but softly, a little bit lighter as he found a towel and wrapped it around his lower torso. He would wait for Yuri to go to bed... yes, excellent plan.

Yuri could only nod much more modest than the other male he managed to cover his front half in time to slide out of the bath and slip to his room. If he won than Viktor would stay that brought a smile to his face. That meant pork cutlet bowls together and that we'll that sounded perfect. Once in his room baggy sweats were slid on to his frame and he was laying in bed. It was an odd loss to know longer see the posters and collections of Viktor on his wall, but yet it was a strange relief to be had

"Yuri!!" Viktor was yelling in the halls, his voice ringing out. "Yuri... come sleep with me!" He didn't care how crazy it sounded, he didn't want to embarrass or shock the smaller male but he had a big bed and the dog didn't take up that much room. He knocked on the door with that same brilliant smile as before. "Yuri... I know you are in there." He couldn't help but wiggle a little ad he stood there in his robe and fuzzy slippers.

The door was easy to open the slight weight of Viktor pretty much pushed it that way. Of course there he was piled under blankets that seemed far to big for his slender frame those crimson optics now closed and hair fell in their view. Viktor would probably see the slight edge of a stack of posters sticking out from under his bed...if nosy enough he could see what secrets they held and if feeling particular bold he could lay on the other male

He did notice the posters but that held no interest to him at the moment. A slight frown on his lips as he dropped his pillow on the bed. Viktor was a strange creature. He had strange ways but he smelt really good. A flop, landing on top of.Yuri on top of all the blankets and he snuggled his long frame on the other male. A content sigh leaving his lips as his arms wrapped.around his body. Personal space meant nothing.

Yuri didn't even notice the weight change on top of him, what he did notice was a sort of spicy scent rolling through the air and begging him to open those doe eyes. The lack of movement in his arm is what actually made him wake."Vi...Viktor."Surely the other male didn't plan to stay like this... though multiple times he'd had to explain to friends what the larger male meant by come sleep with me....cause well it sounded dirty

He made a small content sound before he curled onto Yuri like a cat. Sleeping together for him was just a series of cuddles, helping claim nerves and making the other person feel loved. In his mind, there was nothing dirty about it but there could be. Yuri wasn't ready. "Yes, my pork cutlet." He let the little nickname roll off his tongue with a purr a he nuzzled against his chin, not willing to move from his spot.  

Yuri decided probably against better judgement this was a dream...because really why would Viktor want to be in his bed. Shaking his head optics closed once more has he drifted to peaceful slumber. The slight part of pearl lips almost resembled a plump pout has he kept himself silent. Morning light seemed to fall through his curtain early but he couldn't bring himself to raise

He smiled to himself knowing what Yuri was thinking. He had a suspension that the younger male had liked him for sometime but he just didn't know how much or how far he could push him. Today being the one day off a week that he sloped themselves. Decided it best to sleep in. He didn't say a word a he wiggled, still on top of Yuri and stretching like a cat, only to move himself even further under his still sleeping chin

Yuri's arms shot forward shoving the other male off of him without realizing it before sitting straight up with a shy look to his features. How long had he been there....was last night not a dream. Has if on cue the other Yuri made himself known leering at Viktor. "So this is vhat you do instead of training ."Some other words were sound but they weren't exactly in English or Japanese for that matter.

The shove jolted him, flailing arms and legs ad he landed with a thud on the floor. He gave a bright smile at Yuri 2, rubbing his bum as he stood. "Save it for the rink." He grabbed his robe, swinging it to put it on his body. A yawn leaving his lips as he left the room, heading down to breakfast