#if someone made that as a piece of fiction I would say the political message was too heavy handed

[bookish-bi-mormon]

Just remembered the time while I was at BYU when I had a dream there was a monster under the school, and when I went to kill it it took form as a Red Elephant. Once the Red Elephant was defeated, the school was free, and as a result became entirely LGBTQ accepting because I guess the Red Elephant was causing the homophobia.

[transfaguette]

same anon from the puritanical ideals message- the fiction thing is wild because like.... don't get me wrong i do agree there's more shades of gray to the "morality in fiction" debate than most people allow (namely i don't believe in the concept that books should be banned or burned for moral impurity, but at the same time i think there are obviously dozens of cases where works truly were made with observably harmful impact, and i do think it's our responsibility as a public to react appropriately, make sure that harm is discussed, treat these works with a certain amount of scrutiny, etc etc) but the problem is that people believing something without nuance no matter how people try to introduce nuance isn't Puritanism it's Dogma. and in addition almost none of the people who Are on the Far End of the morality of fiction debate have literally any power in society, something which The Church (tm) decidedly Does have. like it's not that these discussions aren't worth having and it's not that some people Aren't being unreasonable it's that perhaps we need more words. and perhaps we need more perspective. because like if someone says "puritan" and your immediate thought is a 14 year old fandom blogger with bad takes about lolita you Really need perspective. because what Should be your immediate thought is say... preachers telling 7 year old girls they must maintain their virginity until marriage or be forever tainted

YUP you hit the nail on the head. it bothers me that some people think that someones writing shouldn’t ever be used as a judge of character, but I don’t think thats true! You can read Ben Shapiro’s fiction novel and tell a lot about his views on the world. And obviously his novel is meant to be sickenly political so its very natural to draw those conclusions and I understand where fanfiction has different intentions but still. i’m not saying every piece of taboo fiction reflects on the authors moral character but it certainly isn’t inherently detached from it either like they would like to act like it is.

[yvesdot]

Writer Questionnaire Tag Game

Tagged by @avi-why who answered such wonderful questions I couldn't believe the ones he posed were even better!

is there a common piece of writing advice that you disagree with? alternatively, is there one you think (generally) most people should follow?

“Outlines are the last resource of bad fiction writers who wish to God they were writing masters' theses.” <- why I will never recommend On Writing, a memoir, as a how-to book on craft.

Keeping on theme, I think anyone looking to 'improve' their writing should get into analyzing plot structure. How do their favorite movies work? How do their favorite books work? What differences do they find between novels and short stories by an author they like? What makes a "boring" story to them? Do cultural folktales from their family share any similarities to each other in their beats? You don't have to outline your work (though I'm also a believer in learning how to, for similar reasons); plot knowledge is nice to have just to ambiently improve the way you think about your stories as you tell them.

you can have dinner with any author, living or dead. but the catch is that after the dinner, you and that author will team up against a third writer in a no holds barred cage match throwdown. which 2 authors do you pick?

Lewis Carroll, before I even finished reading the question, because she and I could have a great time. Then I got stuck because I don't know who I'd want to fight that I'd really have a chance against, and I feel like I wouldn't really want to physically defeat anybody. Maybe if we were up against a recently-beloved currently-hated public figure we could raise money for charity, or something.

have you ever experimented with poetry, plays, or screenwriting? what was the result?

I have written poetry and I've written a few script versions of scenes (on Patreon!) and I just don't understand the fundamentals of either. What really baffles me about screenwriting is how one can imagine so thoroughly what they want (?) a given scene to look like, only to distill it into a text-only medium. How do you keep it all in there, while leaving all the 'extraneous' bits out? And how do you see the potential when reading and evaluating it? How do you tell the difference between a script that is bad, and one that can be made good in the shooting and casting and acting and directing? How do you delineate what is the screenwriter's job versus, say, the composer or the costume designer's? Don't even get me started on poetry.

(If you have answers to these questions you're welcome to peep me anytime; I love hearing people talk about art.)

what type of rancid twitter discourse would your current wip generate? Well, in Book Two there's a scene where someone mentions Kay having an Oedipus complex in passing, to which Kay says they've clearly never read the play, and they say of course they have, and nobody ever addresses the claim again. So there's that.

what author would you love to be compared to? what author would you hate to be compared to? I'm rarely picky about being compared to authors (or texts) people like, though I think the big ones that have been done repeatedly are Carmen Maria Machado and Lemony Snicket. I only think I'd mind being compared to authors if I felt the reasons for comparison were unappealing-- e.g. "your prose reminds me of [author whose prose I dislike], because [thing I dislike about their prose]," or "your work has wonderful political messaging, just like Harry Potter." There's a point at which you start feeling sorry for yourself.

design the ideal piece of merch/swag for your wip.

The obvious answer is custom mantel clocks for each of the characters (Constantine would be a little grandfather clock, Kay something lovely and see-through and mechanical, and Atlas a simple black mantel clock to match his in canon), but why not consider a universe in which we also do Kuroshitsuji-style shoes?

free space: what's one thing you really want to talk about in your writing that no one ever asks about?

I do a lot of foreshadowing throughout KAY that isn't going to be discussionworthy until Book Two. Depressing! I also think mysterygf's morality is very interesting as someone who has to write it; I want her to seem one-hundred-percent justified in everything she does to some people, and the devil personified to others. Again, though, how are we to discuss this when I haven't written the book. Speaking of which, off I go...!

Five questions for @asablehart @goose-books @musetta3 and anyone else who'd like to pick up the tag!

If someone has just come here from the tag game, what piece of yours should they read?

Is there an overlap between the genres you won't read and the ones you won't write? Are there any genres you'd like to write but, for whatever reason, haven't? Why?

What's the last book that really positively surprised you? Why didn't you think you'd like it, and why did you like it in the end?

Self-pub, indie pub, or tradpub?

What would you like teenagers to think of your work? This is regardless of what age groups you write for, because they're going to get ahold of it anyhow.

[mellimagicsblog]

Gimme your cr**** writing and I'll give free feedback...

UwU sO taCTfuL!!!!

So, I'm still working on the "late-stage capitalism employment" thing after leaving my former social work job with no contingency plan last year. Stupid? Yes. Life saving? Yes. (If you really want to know about that, please just DM me. It's personal.)

One of the ways that I'm looking to find some income is through editing and proofreading. I have a Fiverr page ready to go, but I need some samples!

I used to beta read on fanfiction.net quite often, but I haven't done so in a long time, and posting fanfiction samples on fiverr.com might be a little alienating for my potential audience. Sharing only rough drafts of my own content is also not the best demonstration of my skills, nor the variety of the type of writing I can help with. Believe it or not, I'm one of those weirdos who actually likes proofreading really mundane stuff.

I'm looking for 1-5 page samples of the following kinds of content:

Short fiction

A few pages of a larger fiction piece

Essays/nonfiction blog posts

Scripts and screenplays

Technical writing

Web content

Professional emails and messages

Cover letters and proposals

Feel free to request help other kinds of writing, but know that I don't have as much experience outside of prose. Leave a comment on the post to indicate your interest, and from there we will communicate on Discord or Google Docs. (Note: Samples posted as a comment on this post will not be used)

Process:

Before I edit your content, you will tell me what exactly you want feedback on and/or proofreading. I will also ask you what you expressly don't want feedback on. Upon completion of my review, your work will be shared as a sample publicly on my Fiverr page using a "before and after" comparison, so you will need to let me know if you want me to share your name as the original author or if you prefer that your sample be anonymous.

Minor typos and grammar issues I'll just fix in the "before/after","" without highlighting the changes, but for content feedback, this is usually how I color-code my work:

Red text means I think you should just remove the highlighted text without replacement

Green text is a suggested change or substitution to text you made

Purple text is commentary from me, usually next to a highlighted section of your work

Please let me know if you have a condition which affects your vision. We will find another way to edit your content that allows for both of us to see it and publish it.

Disclaimers:

I reserve the right to reject any writing you send me or not publish the feedback to my page. I will do my best to communicate why I made my decision. Generally, a rejection would be due to your content being too abstract or controversial. I'm not averse to reading saucy stuff, but if your content is NSFW or politically-loaded, please try to let me know beforehand.

Troll samples and harassment will not be tolerated.

(Inserted image: Toriel from Undertale saying, "do what's right or perish." One of the rare worthy uses of AI generated by CiblesGD on youtube.)

Please try not to take any critique I give you personally. I will ask your permission before posting the final edit, but getting angry with someone for giving feedback that you didn't know that you didn't want to hear doesn't help anyone. We can talk out any hurt feelings, but I'm prepared to ignore or even block people who get irate. Remember, you can take or leave any advice you want and I have no authority over that!

I will run your content through a plagiarism filter, so don't steal, please. I am also going to experiment with filtering for AI-generated work for the same reasons.

Lastly, you CAN send me fanfiction samples if you want, but I may ask to change certain character names and locations for very popular fandoms in the final sample. I'm fairly knowledgeable about western animation and musical theater fandoms, but I'm willing to take a look at anything if you're willing to educate me on the world. Sometimes, having an outsider's eye can help you to think about what parts of a given world you're taking for granted and could interpret in your own unique way. ;)

Thanks for reading my post and I hope to read from YOU soon!

[isychiaa]

i know that people joke a lot about reading comprehension being low in the modern day, but srsly THERE IS A LARGE CHUNK OF PEOPLE THAT HAVE UNDERDEVELOPED CRITICAL READING SKILLS AND THAT'S REALLY CONCERNING!!!!!!!!!!

"oh that character is morally bad because they did something Wrong one time/a bunch of times, they are a Bad Person and there is no point in interrogating their fictional actions within the setting of this peice of media"

"oh i'm going to hyperfixate on a single statement made by this user without considering the context in which that statement was framed"

"oh i disagree with this person based on the first sentence of their post, i'm not going to spend the time reading the rest of their post to understand exactly what it is i disagree with, i'm just going to send a death threat"

I am very concerned about the ramifications of this lack of critical reading skills. Not only because it causes needless internet slap fights, but because it has real world impact: there is an atmosphere on the internet currently in which you CANNOT have a nuanced opinion. You either wholeheartedly agree with the surface message of a piece of media, or you disagree entirely. If there is a book about a serial killer and you like the manner in which the author presents the serial killer as a protagonist because it provides an insight into the perspective of someone who otherwise would not be afforded any consideration or empathy, you are a Bad Bad Person because you are endorsing the murders of all victims across the world.

Which is demonstrably untrue.

This lack of reading comprehension and contextual understanding means that large swathes of literature are labelled as "problematic" and immediately discarded. Now clearly there is a variety of literature that does not align with modern values, but without evaluating that work critically, how can you understand your own views?

Let's look at a very mild example: Emma by Jane Austen. This book features an age-gap relationship between the titular character and Mr Knightly, in which Emma is 21 years old and Mr Knightley, 37 years old. I'm sure many people nowadays would be suspicious of this kind of age gap and rightly so, as it doesn't align with a western cultural understanding of what a healthy, equal relationship appears as. But to turn your nose up at this fact in a vacuum does a great disservice to the context of the work. Emma at 21 is not considering young, and Mr Knightley says himself that he fears his age is a barrier to their relationship. To collapse a 500 page novel into a few lines of analysis, the historical context of the work matters, as does Austen's authorial perspective. I would argue that Emma is proto-feminist; many people may disagree. But critical discourse about this relationship is much more productive than simply labelling Emma as a Bad Problematic Book.

In the current age of the internet, people want to be fed information and move on, but this learned informational helplessness is so destructive. There are clear root causes of this: the post-truth era, charismatic politics, defunding of the arts and humanities in schools, covid causing educational delays. It just really worries me that people cannot truly read anymore, and what that means for social interactions when we are increasingly spending our time online.

Let me be crystal clear: I do not believe that this is a case of people online bringing intentional bad faith reactions to media and social interaction. Maybe like 5% of the time people are looking for a fight, but mostly I believe that it is because these people have been failed by their environments. Although we can't singlehandedly fix the education and political systems across every single country on earth, we can engage with people in a good faith way. Yes, it takes work, and no, you do not have to do anything. I completely understand if you don't want to engage in these kinds of discussions, especially if you're providing an uninvited contribution.

If the opportunity arises, I find bringing a good faith response to a reductive take on media, and continuing to engage that person in a way which explicitly attempts to understand their perspective yields positive results. And you can always walk away.

Shock upon shock, I have even been able to have a good faith discussion in a Tiktok comments section, so there is hope.

TL;DR - poor reading comprehension = needless moralising, but if you just chat to people it's really not that bad.

[thiserichann]

cookies and cream - lee jeno

reader x jeno

genre: smut, strangers to fuck buddies, humor if you squint hard enough

word count: 4k-ish

warnings: recklessness (she met with a stranger online, don’t do it kids) excessive lying, 18+ scenes that includes: oral (f receiving) face riding, soft dom!jeno?

This is merely a work of fiction and is not meant to hurt the image of Jeno and NCT. Again, don’t be as reckless as OP. This was just a fantasy of mine that I’ve been dying to get out of my system.

Holy fuck.

That's the only word that you've managed to utter when you decided to check your messages that morning.

You got bored in the middle of the class and decided to sneak a peek on your phone to pass the time. The class is recorded anyways so you can always just go back to the parts of the lessons that you've missed.

But holy fuck.

You never expected to see THAT so early in the morning.

"Miss Y/N?"

You snapped back to reality and stopped malfunctioning for a second when somebody called your name. Everyone including your professor remained quiet and all eyes are on you.

"Oh. Sir what’s the question again?"

You answered nervously as you tried to review your notes and backtrack on what he is discussing a few moments ago.

"I see that you're distracted in the middle of my class again. Mind sharing what you're occupied with?"

"Uhm. I was watching KPOP fancams, sir."

"Fancams won't get you into law school, Miss Y/N. Phones off please."

You tucked your phone back to your pocket and never picked it up again since. The professor started blabbering again but no information is being retained on your head. It stayed that way at your other classes.

You wished you were looking at some KPOP fancams earlier. You’ve watched fancams at class before and got away with it unscathed.

Oh no. It was a goddamn dick pic.

A good one, too.

It was from a guy that you met in a kink site a few days ago. You created the account out of boredom and expected nothing to come out from it. It’s all the flirting and sexting without all the unnecessary commitment

It only took you a few minutes to set up an account. For some privacy, you made a random birthdate and a random nickname, because like hell would you share your real information to these people. You also picked a racy picture of a lady that looked a bit like you and passed it off as your own.

Within minutes, your inbox is flooded with messages. Most of them, however, are from men who are old enough to be your father.

Well, you were bored, so you entertained everyone and then went on back to your boring, vanilla life. A few political history and theory books later, you went back to see which ones messaged you on the site.

And that's where you've met him.

The most gorgeous piece of meat alive.

He seems like a nice guy. He introduced himself as LJ and your age aren’t that far off from each other. LJ is the only one who actually engaged in conversation besides "want to fuck?" or "are you horny?"

As soon as you started messaging back and forth, you scrolled on his profile to see what he looks like. The only thing is, his profile looked a whole lot like those high fashion male underwear photoshoots.

It was an array topless pictures (presumably his, you just can’t be bothered to check if it is actually his). It featured his sculpted abs and biceps, cropped up all the way to his full lips. Despite not seeing his whole face, you knew very well that he’s a hunk. To say you were intrigued is an understatement.

Since then, you've been talking back and forth through Snapchat (your secret one because you're not stupid) and sent him actual pictures of yourself, completely omitting the face. You took one from your bed, your bathtub, and probably every part of your house that you felt is sexy enough to be included on the pics.

You can't tell him if it's him or the repressed sexual urges finally manifesting itself after more than a year of not getting laid, but every text to and from him made your heart race. It was something that you looked forward to every hour everyday.

Hours went by that you totally forgot leaving him on read. You climbed up to your bed to rest your back to the headboard and opened your unread messages.

You: Hey svlr. School stuff.

  He opened the chat and started typing right away.

  LJ: Oh good. I thought I did something wrong to upset you.

You: Not at all. I loved the pic by the way. It literally knocked my socks off.

LJ: Just the socks?

You: You can take the rest of it off yourself ;)

You scoffed. The flirty banter has always been there ever since you started talking but nothing really came out of it.

LJ: If only I could :(

You: I know. Covid’s a bitch.

You set your phone aside for a second to go to the bathroom. On your way, you picked up some snacks at the fridge and sat back down to your bed, only to find your phone blowing up.

LJ: If you're down maybe we could meet

LJ: It's totally fine if you don't want to

LJ: I just made it weird, didn't I?

LJ: I'm so sorry I brought it up in the first place

LJ: I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable

LJ: Hello?

LJ: I'm really sorry

You: Chill. I'm right here

You: I just went to the bathroom

LJ: Oh

You: I'd be lying if I said I don't want to meet you as well

You: Well... I wouldn't write off the idea

You: But with the Covid

LJ: Thoughts?

You: I don't think it's a great idea

The screen says Seen right at the bottom but it took him a couple more minutes before finally replying.

LJ: I understand

LJ: But in case you change your mind, I'll leave the time and place up to you

LJ: I’ll take care of the rest

LJ: Deal?

You: I'll sleep on it.

You: Speaking of sleep, I gotta go. Morning class.

LJ: Okay. I guess this is good night then

You didn't, in fact, talk to him the day after.

You'd be lying if you said that you didn't want to see him and his abs in real life. But as someone who overthinks a lot, you just can't shake off the risk.

You: Good night. Talk to you tomorrow.

What if he's not really the guy in the pics? Or he’s psycho in real life? What if he's infected the virus?

You sighed.

Why must some global pandemic ruin your sex life?

You waited until the end of the day before you finally replied to LJ. The last thing that he texted was a brief good morning from earlier in the day and nothing else. He’s actually a pretty sweet guy, totally not worth ghosting, and you actually liked talking to him as a friend that you can share your sentiments with.

With your guilt finally eating you up, you took a break from your assigned readings and sat back at your bed to rest for the day. Your fingers hovered over the keyboard for a minute, thinking of something to say to him. It took you a few tries before finally hitting the send button.

You: So, I thought about it

LJ: And?

You: I need to know I can trust you

LJ: Okay. How?

You: I don’t know. Send me a proof that you’re real. Get tested?

You: Is that fine with you?

Within a split second, he sent his reply.

He actually did it.

You couldn’t believe it but he actually did it.

LJ: Consider it done.

He got tested for physical, including the virus test, and passed with flying colors. He even sent you a vid of him inside a medical clinic.

He just sent the uncensored results this morning where you can clearly see his real name.

Lee Jeno.

LJ.

Seems legit.

Well, the uncreative nickname shouldn’t matter now because the results meant only one thing.

You’re gonna have to push through with your promise.

You got ready around noon that day. You can’t remember the last time that you actually got ready to meet someone that’s not a delivery guy or a relative passing on something to your family.

As someone who overthinks a lot, you actually got everything covered. You picked a place near a restaurant to eat. The police station is just a few blocks away just in case something happens, and right in front of a library…

“Where’re are you off to?”

You raised your backpack to show to your mother.

“I’m off to the library. I needed to get these renewed. Maybe pick up a novel or two.”

She looks at you from head to toe, eyeing that incredibly loose hoodie, faded denim jeans, some worn out sneakers that looked like it’s supposed to be thrown away years ago and a medical mask that covers about ¾ of your bare face. It’s just your usual attire whenever you go out for errands.

She just nodded and went back to watching her favorite soap opera.

“It’s nice that you’re out of your room for once. Take some cookies from the kitchen so you’ll have something to eat in case you get hungry.”

… as an alibi to get away from your strict parents.

As soon as you left the door and made sure that you’re out of sight, you found the nearest public toilet and grabbed a whole other outfit from your backpack. The hoodie is replaced by a white, ruffled see-through blouse and you ditched the jeans for a tight skirt that’s at least four inches above your knees. You tousled your hair a little bit and put on some powder and tiny hint of lipstick before putting your facemask back on again.

It’s been a while since you’ve done an elaborate scheme like this. Your skills got a little bit rusty, but they always work.

Sometimes you wonder if you’re really meant to be lawyer or a criminal instead.

You stepped out of the toilet and blended right back into society.

Now all you have to do is find wherever the hell LJ is.

Jeno sat anxiously as he waited for you right inside the café. He’s on his fourth cup of coffee but it didn’t do anything to calm his nerves down (geez I wonder why).

You: I’m almost at the café.

He’s been staring at his phone the whole time. Once he received your message, which is a pic of you in the bathroom after the outfit change, he almost choked on his drink.

This message sent him on a panic as he turned his camera on to see how he looked. He did some minor adjustments to his hair and he wiped off his eyeglasses clean with the sleeves of his hoodie (which did nothing for him by the way) and then casually sat down and played it off cool like he hasn’t been waiting for you for over an hour.

On your perspective, you walked inside the café and looked around for LJ. Fortunately, there was only guy inside the café, twiddling with his phone on his hands and as he kept on peeking through the glass windows as if he’s looking for someone.

From afar, he actually looked really cute. His appearance, a shy, nerdy dude with glasses, looked way off from the fuckboy image that you expected him to have in reference to the messages that you’ve been getting from him.

It’s always the quiet ones that are kinky. You should know, you are one.

You walked over to his table and tapped his shoulders to get his attention.

He froze for a moment before he finally managed to turn around and face you.

“You’re actually here.”

“I know. I’m just as surprised as you are.”

tap tap tap tap

The room is so quiet that the only thing you can hear is the sound of your heels tapping against the tiled floor. You can say that that is one of your observable annoying habits tapping your foot on the floor when you're a nervous wreck.

Sighing in retaliation, you removed your hoodie, fanning yourself as you tried to relax and get comfy on the hotel couch (which should be comfortable enough since you paid a shit ton of money on that room), switching the TV on to get your mind off of things. The lackluster array of shitty sitcoms didn’t distract you at all, but it instead reminded you of the reasons why you’re in that room in the first place.

Having nothing to do to pass the time, you paced back and forth in the room, finally sitting down once you realized that it looks way worse than you just tapping your foot. You folded your arms right across your chest, looking at the watch from time to time but the hands of the clock seem to be moving slower the more you stare at it.

Quarantine started almost a year ago and it's been very hard for you. Sexually. It's been almost a year since you've been touched by a man and you’re more than ready to jump on anyone’s dick at any this point,

Too bad that that dick is taking his sweet time in the bathroom.

tap tap tap tap

Your foot found its rhythm once again, only this time, you’re not nervous anymore. Your patience is wearing thin.

As if summoned by the constant tapping, the guy comes out of the bathroom, just casually drying himself while wearing nothing but the towel dangerously hanging on his waist and a boyish smile on his lips.

No biggie.

"Hey."

Suddenly, you’re not tapping anymore.

Head empty, just thoughts of a hot guy patting down a towel all over his toned body.

“I hope I didn’t make you wait for too long.”

He spoke, tossing aside the towel on his hands on the sofa, finally giving you a full view of him and all his glory.

You must admit, you’re skeptical at first. The guy that’s been sending you faceless thirst traps just days ago, telling you how he’d fuck you senseless looked a lot different from the guy who entered the hotel room just a moment ago.

He came in wearing those black oversized hoodies that did a great job in hiding his best features. His hair was a bit long for your taste, covering half of his face while the face mask hid the other.

But this man right here in front you, he’s Adonis.

You unconsciously bit your lower lip, earning a chuckle from the guy.

“I’m guessing that you’d like to start now?”

You nodded, the tension and awkwardness rendering you unable to speak.

He smiles as he takes the remote from you, turning off the television because the main show is about to start.

You started to tense up again, eyes wide as you realized that he’s now right beside you, wrapping his arms around you as soon as he sat down. He leans over, soft lips coming into contact with your exposed neck and shoulders, landing small pecks all over.

You sat there breathless as he slowly ran his fingers to the side of your thighs, tracing circles at it while giving small, reassuring kisses on your neck and shoulders. It’s as if he’s asking you for your consent, waiting for you to open up to him before he makes a move.

He got his answer when you turned around to face him, running your fingers into his cheeks before cupping his face, your lips finally touching his. He moved in the same pace as earlier, slow and calculating. You got a bit impatient once again, biting his lower lips gently to let him know that he can do more.

He grabbed you by the waist and successfully placed you on top of him. The kiss got even more sloppy as you ran your hands through nape, then into his soft locks. His hands travelled once again, finger running through legs again, stopping as soon as he reached the hem of your skirt, flipping it up to reveal the thin lace material that barely covered your core. You took that as initiative to remove the towel on his waist and grinded against his growing member, the friction and heat enough to earn a groan out of him.

He held your waist once again, firmly this time, halting your movement completely.

You broke away from the kiss, staring him in the eyes to read his face.

“Something wrong?”

“Hold tight.”

You were about to ask about what hold tight mean, but your arms cling unto him involuntarily as he lifts the both of you out of the sofa.

Jeno laid you gently in the bed, making sure not to break eye contact as he does so. He looked like he's about to eat you alive, which is enough to send flush to your cheeks.

“I would’ve loved to bend you over that sofa, but I think it’s just proper that our first time will be on the bed.”

"God. You're beautiful."

He then ran his fingers towards the thin fabric of your blouse, feeling every part of your torso like he's memorizing every detail of it. His hands then travelled in your chest, squeezing the swell of your breasts on each hand, fingers shaking as he does so. It felt like an artist admiring his delicate work of art.

He situated himself between your legs, taking a moment to admire you first before doing anything else.

He started to run his hand on your cleavage and stopped on the uppermost button of your blouse, taking his time to remove all of them and placing a kisses at the exposed skin. After all of the buttons are taken care of, you lifted your body up and slid off the fabric. Your black lacy bra finally made its appearance. You took the liberty of taking that off too, as slow and as you possibly can.

 Jeno just stared at your body in awe, breathing heavily as his eyes scanned your naked glory.

 "Gorgeous."

He said under this breath before leaning down to claim your lips once again. You're turned on by how much attention he's giving your body now. You're usually loud in bed but his gestures are making you bashful. You've never felt this beautiful before.

You can feel his hands trembling as it travels all over your body, his kisses getting even more needy. There was moans of satisfaction every time he would lick your lips. Jeno was kissing you like you were oxygen and he needed to breath.

His hands travelled south, running across your thigh and your now aching core. You're about to remove your skirt and underwear but he stopped your hands midway.

"Keep it."

He took your hands away from your skirt and placed them just above your head.

"Just sit there and relax baby. Let me treat you."

You did just like he told you and gave him full control of your body.

"Good girl."

His lips brushed your ears, whispering sweet nothings about how beautiful you are under him. His kisses then went down to your neck, using his tongue and teeth, marking everything he can get his mouth on with his saliva. Meanwhile, his hands finally touched you down there, massaging your still clothed wetness.

His middle and index finger felt your slit, moving it in swift motion in search for your clit.

"Oh my god. That's it."

You gasped as his fingers finally hit the right spot, tossing your head back as his fingers made circles at your bundle or nerves.

You opened your legs more, leaning on your arms on your back, head tossed back and eyes closed as you feel your impending orgasm.

He dipped his hand inside your underwear and collected some of your essence with his fingers. The mental picture of him licking his fingers deliciously is enough to get you off for weeks.

It didn't take long before he took your panties off and his ducked his head down. He opened your legs once again and licked one long stripe on your core, making sure to taste all of you. You sat there and watch as he hungrily takes all of you in his mouth, acting like your pussy is a full course meal and he's been starving for years.

Within moments, you've become a moaning, toe curled mess. You ran your fingers to his blonde hair, guiding him on how to move his tongue and fingers on you. At one point, he bit some of your sensitive skin, making you scream a string of curses under your breath.

"Stop stop stop."

You grab a fistful of his hair and he paused from what he was doing. You pushed him gently away from you, leaving him staring at you confusedly. The confusion didn't last long when you flipped your current position, you're now on top.

"Can I ride your face?"

At this point, you're bold and horny enough to use your words and ask him. He just nodded, sliding himself from underneath you and went back to eating you like a champ. You grabbed his hands and placed them across your chest, squeezing your breasts to send him a message. He was quick to pick up and followed suit, pinching your nipples right in between fingers while your ride his face to orgasm.

"Shit. I'm coming..."

  You writhed from above him as you come undone. Your body felt cold all over. Your eyes are ringing, feeling dizzy as you almost passed out while you bucked your hips a few more times to milk your release.

You didn’t have time to recover when you heard your phone ringing from outside. Your legs felt a little shaky and you almost tumbled and hit your head in the wall if Jeno didn’t help you get up. You  sat down on the floor, butt-ass naked as you frantically searched for your phone from under all of your stuff before you finally pressed the answer button.

“Yes mom?”

“Where have you been? Your father’s been looking for you at the library. He’s picking you up on your way home.”

You buried your head on the couch to shake off the buzzing feeling on your head. You placed a pillow on your body while you searched for your discarded clothes all over the hotel room.

“Oh yeah. I went to the café and got something to eat. Tell Dad I’ll meet him outside the library.”

“Okay sweetie. Can you pick up some groceries on your way back? I’ll text you the list.”

“Yeah mom. Bye.”

You breathe a sigh of relief as you started putting on the outfit that you wore when you left home.

“Where are you going?”

Jeno reluctantly got dressed as well, his shy demeanor came back as soon as he wore his glasses and fixed his hair.

“I got to go, Jeno. I’m sorry that I’m leaving in such a bad time…”

You went over to him and placed a sweet kiss on his lips.

“I promise to make it up to you next time, okay? I’d love to meet you again.”

You grabbed a paper bag from your backpack and handed it to him, waving as you bolted out the door.

After fixing his things, he sat down for a moment and took a quick peek inside the package that you left him.

It was a ziplock bag of full of cookies and a whole other treat.

You left him your two-piece lace lingerie.

To be continued.

[scarletserena]

the 1 - [Corpse Husband x Reader]

By: @scarletserena

summary: " you are his ex, now. looking back you should have known from the start. you really think it would have been fun if you would have been it for him too. "

Warning: Heart break, bitterness, letting go is hard but needed, reminiscence of what doesn't come back, they don't end up together on this, this is fiction and DOES NOT depicts how Corpse Husband is.

———————————————————————————————————————————————————

To be in love with the idea of love.

What a blessing to be alive.

What a curse to have feelings.

What a look we had when we first saw each other.

I was in awe. Your face was covered but your eyes cricked on the corners as you smiled politely when we first met.

Was I so naive at the time that I just didn’t notice the strain it took on you to be that calm and collected in a space, where I later learned that distressed you, or was I just ignorant?

How do you perceive me now?

But how did you perceive me then?

Do you despise me, Corpse? Did you see red flags when I offered you a smile alongside your coffee order?

I still remember it being a mild coffee compared to the orders from the other patrons in the café. Does it mean that it was just your preferences or was it because you wanted, without giving much thought to, preserve your voice?

The unconscious things we do daily, right?

I gather my bearings one more time and I feel myself stranded.

I’m still a barista at the same café.

I still smile politely to this day at every client, hoping it has a good reflection through my eyes but I am definitely grateful to be wearing a mask and having no one notice how different and small my lips stretching are now.

Your hair was soft under my fingertips and I enjoyed a lot coursing through the locks and untangling the knots in your curls.

The way your eyes closed, relaxed, was a given I didn’t wanna face myself without but, on the day I found that I didn’t have it anymore I got to see my being on a new level of scrutiny that I couldn’t understand why.

I figured it out later.

I wasn’t only mine, anymore.

I wasn’t yours either but because you wouldn’t have me.

I fucking missed you and when I called you on the phone and a she picked up I pulled myself apart and untangled myself of the things I could, that still reminded me of you — I deleted your number right away.

But looking back, I could never let go of something that everyone thought they had heard the intricacies of but I always knew that when you were with me it had a tingle and timbre only mine and that was what I held myself onto.

For the hope that it wouldn’t just be a memory and a recording in my phone but become a phone call once again and a calling at my doorstep that announced you so close and trusting to me.

I couldn’t bring you to me one more time and, despite myself, I couldn’t let go of the recordings nor my subscription on your channel.

Dumbly, I sent, for a short while, some messages on the so-called superchat. They were inoffensive enough if not for being stamped with my name on them and that, that tainted it and you always ignored them until I stopped.

You never called nor did you show in some way that I still mattered in some important sense to you.

That might just be what did it at the time, but seeing and hearing you interact with her through lives, months later, definitely did the deed.

I remember how it all felt back then.

If only you knew (but you don’t’)

How badly I wanted to question:

How do your eyes shine when you look at her?

The smell of rain still calmed me then.

Perhaps just a consequence of your admiration towards it and the comfort it provided you in the toughest times, which I knew were more common than the precipitation around your house.

I keep looking back and I can’t help but toy with the thought that you really do not have the time if someone isn’t right beside you — and right after letting myself think like that I feel guilty because, liking it or not, for the worse of for the better, I knew you and I know of your struggles and minimize them for me to feel less responsible in the fiasco that we both were in each other lives is more selfish than I should allow myself to feel over something we both were at fault.

I can feel the connection you have with her and I didn’t even bother going to her channel to check what I knew would be so clear to everyone who was a little bit in the intimate part of you.

I had no doubts in my mind that just as her smile should cover her entire face in happiness you would do everything to keep her voice free of worries and her path with no bothersome obstacles — because that's how you are to the ones you really care for.

I was once one of them.

I wouldn’t put it past you in any moment going to her as soon as she felt comfortable with you just as I never put it behind you to get your hand drowning in red when you thought needed.

I always had this fear that you would meet someone great(er) on the internet and that this person would swap you off your feet but, I hadn’t considered that we wouldn’t be a we anymore on the so near future and my daily dose of you just wouldn’t be mine no more — but hers — and, above it all, different.

I knew your voice and I knew your hands and I knew your small smiles but she knew hugs that must have the feeling of a home, sweet and warm and that belongs, and laughs that course free through the screen of my laptop when she enters a discord call unannounced and much more that was never mine — to see, to touch, to keep — while I once knew stiffness and the fear of trying to hold something not made nor meant to be on hands as weak as mine.

We were something, don’t you think so? But as the saying goes: once you fuck me over, no do-overs, we don’t play.

——————————————————————————————————

Hello there! Did you enjoy it? Let me know down below, please, I will love to hear about what you thought of it and if there was anything I could have done better <3

I really wanted to write something like that, even if it's really short, because all the — amazing — stories I have seen around here of Corpse is of them getting together but never of a perspective of a relationship that really went downhill.

Again, this piece of work DO NOT depicts how Corpse is or how any of his exes might be or something like this, it's only fiction, okay?

If you would like to send me an ask so I can write your idea for you, please, send it! You just have to click on 'Talk The Talk Serena' on my tumblr! I only ask of you not to send anything NSFW, because I won't be writing it.

It was a pleasure to have you here! Thank you so much for reading!

My writing works will be under the tag #writerserena

[lilydalexf]

Old School X is a project interviewing X-Files fanfic authors who were posting fic during the original run of the show. New interviews are posted every Tuesday.

Interview with MustangSally

MustangSally has 33 stories at Gossamer. Even if you haven’t read it, you’ve probably heard of at least one of them, Iolokus, since it’s an X-Files fanfic classic. All her fics hit big and are well worth your time. I’ve recced some of my favorites here before, including And Dance by the Light of the Moon, All the Children are Insane, and Iolokus. Big thanks to MustangSally for doing this interview.

What's the story behind your pen name?

I could tell you but then I would have to kill you.

Does it surprise you that people are still interested in reading your X-Files fanfics and others that were posted during the original run of the show (1993-2002)?

Yes and no. Yes, because life has moved on since the early nineties and the characters and the fans are in vastly different places now. Our current tech would make the premise of the X-Files impossible. No, because of the longevity of some of the Star Trek TOS work (there’s an archive of hard copy fanzines at the University of Iowa). Top-drawer authors started out in TOS fandom.

I’m just greatly saddened that my physical body is showing wear and tear while the fic doesn’t. Fic gets to stay smooth-skinned and muscular, captured at the peak of perfection.

What do you think of when you think about your X-Files fandom experience? What did you take away from it?

At the risk of sounding atrociously trite, I think of the friends I made.  I met some very remarkable women that I’ve been able to stay friends with online for over twenty-five years.  We may have moved to Facebook and post entirely too much about our pets and which of our body parts has sagged this week, but we’re friends.  It’s a furiously funny, feminist, and well-educated group of women with jobs in the highest levels of academia, finance, communications, and media.  I’m amused by the fact that if I have a question about how a virus replicates, I can ask a PhD I’ve been drunk with in Las Vegas.

Back in the day, I had a job that sent me traveling around major cities in the US and UK. I could post on a message board and within ten minutes there were people I could go out for dinner and drinks with. We already knew we had something we could talk about for at least a couple of hours. Additionally, most of these people were women so there was an added level of security. Social media didn't really exist during the show's original run. How were you most involved with the X-Files online (atxc, message board, email mailing list, etc.)?

Well, it was mostly atxc and the Yahoo! groups mailing lists that spiraled out into Geocities sites and, eventually, LiveJournal. The amusing thing is that getting in on the ground floor of social media and the Internet has helped me get jobs!  When I look at a new piece of software, I think, ‘this is hella easier than uploading to Geocities.’  We had to walk uphill both ways, in the snow, on dial-up, fighting off dinosaurs with our AOL CDs while writing HTML code. What did you take away from your experience with X-Files fic or with the fandom in general?

DO NOT FEED THE TROLLS.

The past four years in politics have basically been the ugliest online kerfuffle the world has ever seen. I survived the Shipper Wars of ’96 and I thought those were brutal, but that was NOTHING. The only way to win an argument online is to not have the argument at all. Arguing with a troll is like mudwrestling a pig: You both get filthy and only the pig is happy.

Also, READ THE FUCKING TERMS OF SERVICE.

What was it that got you hooked on the X-Files as a show?

I had the most terrible straight-girl crush on Scully. I wanted to be her best friend, I wanted to BE her.  I wanted to order Chinese food and paint each other’s nails and talk about bones.  Scully and Princess Leia and I could all just hang out poolside with hot and cold running waiters and poolboys, drink margaritas, and bitch about how unfair it all was – if the stupid men would just get OUT OF THE WAY AND LET US DO OUR JOBS, the world would be so much better. What got you involved with X-Files fanfic?

This question is really about Iolokus, isn’t it?  You can’t fool me. [Lilydale note: I can neither confirm nor deny the motivation for this question, but I cannot complain about the answer.]

Simply put, I was enraged. The moment it was revealed that Scully’s ova had been used in experimentation, I lost my feminist mind. It was the most obscene defilement imaginable.  Scully wasn’t nearly as angry as I was.  What I thought needed to happen was for Scully to become a fiery force of vengeance against the MEN who had done this to her.  Clearly, I was not going to get that level of satisfaction from the show, as I was imagining Kali-like carnage on a global scale. I emailed RivkaT (whom I did not know well at that point) with a proposition that we work together. Strangely enough, we didn’t meet face to face until we were well into the project, but we did talk on the phone quite a bit. The rules were simple – everyone had to be punished in truly horrific ways, and at some point, we had to see if we could write a car chase (only because that seemed impossible).  Then it basically turned into a very twisted game of chicken to see who could be the most outrageous in terms of killing people off or writing really horrific things that fit within the structure of the narrative.  I did, in the end, write the car chase, but RivkaT one-upped me by throwing in a helicopter (a FOX News helicopter, at that).  

Really, RivkaT?  A helicopter? What is your relationship like now to X-Files fandom? I am terribly proud of what I wrote, pleased that it brought pain and pleasure in equal amount to people, and, again, thrilled by the people I became friends with. I admit that I stopped watching the show when Scully announced her pregnancy.  I could only see a long jump over a shark tank for the rest of the series. I haven’t watched the new episodes, either.  It is complete in my mind and doesn’t need to be continued.  I wouldn’t say no to having a reunion with some of my fic friends, although we’re still chatting online like everyone does.   Were you involved with any fandoms after the X-Files? If so, what was it like compared to X-Files?

Rivka and I wrote in the Buffy fandom for a few years, but then we moved on to real adult jobs that left absolutely no time for me to write. I’m in education, and I regularly sweat blood for fear that someone is going to find my old fic. The Buffy people were fun; there was a certain *shininess* to them that I really enjoyed. The X-men authors were just batshit and delightful, and some amazing stuff came out of Marvel fandom, particularly in the Thor/Loki and Steve/Bucky subgenres. I’ve learned to appreciate a good coffee shop AU and one famous Erik/Charles fic where all the main characters are crabs. Seriously, crabs—it’s hysterical. [Lilydale note: Other Crabs Cannot Be Trusted by groovyphilia currently has almost 2,500 kudos at AO3.]

Every few years, I’ll have a student try to explain to me what fandom is and I just smirk. Do you ever still watch The X-Files or think about Mulder and Scully? No. Not really. Do you ever still read X-Files fic? Fic in another fandom? I fell into an X-Men hole a few years back and had a great old time wallowing in the Cherik muck, and there was a flirtation with BBC Sherlock as well. Strangely enough, I became interested in A/B/O fics only because of what they were saying about the role of women in our society. The limitations on the male omegas seem absurd and then you realize those are the same limitations put on women all. the. time.

Is there a place online (tumblr, twitter, AO3, etc.) where people can find you and/or your stories now?

RivkaT very nicely formatted everything and put it up on AO3. What is your favorite of your own fics, X-Files and/or otherwise?

I will always be stupidly proud of how shocked and horrified people were by Iolokus. The truth of the matter is that Iolokus has Greek drama at its core. Scully is Medea, and the entire story is lousy with “blood on the threshing floor” and Dionysian rites. The everyday is subverted into horror, and wives and daughters will tear men limb from limb like the Maenads. Since I was ultimately disappointed with what Chris Carter did with the entire show, that approach seemed appropriate.

At a certain level, all fic is corrective fic.  Like critic Anne Jamison said, “Irritated fans produce fanfic like irritated oysters produce pearls.”  And because fic has fallen so much into women’s sphere, a pure form of correction is not just the death of the author but the MURDER, a new creation springing up from the spilled blood like Cadmus sowing dragon’s teeth.

Okay, that’s a bit much. Maybe I should just take myself back to the isle of Goth Amazons or something. Do you still write fic now? Or other creative work?

I had to write a self-evaluation and a reflection on pedagogy today. If that’s not fiction, I don’t know what the fuck is.

All my creativity is caught up in trying to pretend to be a normal middle-aged white woman so no one knows I am really a lizard.

Is there anything else you'd like to share with fans of X-Files fic?

Keep writing, keep reading, keep fighting the commercialization of narratives. As things grow more and more commodified, all our dreams and desires reduced to tchotchkes made in China, it’s a revolutionary act to separate your work from the marketplace. Be bold, take chances, turn the trope on its ear and kick it in the ass. Take everything the creators have done to make a work palatable to the unwashed masses and set it on fire.

Be subversive.

Be mean.

Have a great fucking time.

(Posted by Lilydale on March 2, 2021)

[plumrabbit]

DA Fandom and moving forward - Calling In vs. Calling Out

Hi everyone,

As a PoC member of the DA fandom, I felt I have been quiet for long enough on the issues that have been presented recently. I am not here to argue against or on behalf of any individual or group, I am only here to present some information that I hope will be helpful moving forward. This is a long post, but it’s my hope that if you read it and want to help contribute to making this place better for everyone, then you will be willing to try to put what is said here into practice.

Since I am a relatively small blog, I wanted to start with a little personal introduction that will segue into the topic at hand. My name is Liz (you can call me Jade too, that’s part of my middle name), and I am a mixed race, “ambiguously brown”, aspec person from Canada. I grew up around mostly other immigrant families, attended predominantly non-white schools that were run by mostly white admins, and completed my degrees at a very white university in a field that does not have much racial diversity. I have experienced racism first-hand many times including, but not limited to, name-calling/slurs, fetishization/exotification, being followed by staff, people second-guessing my name, jokes about hurting/killing people of my race, etc. as well as witnessing racism directed at my friends and peers. I know exactly what it’s like to be exhausted and feel unsafe or othered.  There is, however, one thing I need to point out about the multitude of instances of racism I’ve experienced - most of them were caused by ignorance, and not malice. Yes there are absolute assholes out there, but personally I can count those people I’ve encountered on one hand (I am not speaking for everyone, though). The vast majority of racism, bigotry and general harmful acts come from a place of ignorance, particularly on left-leaning tumblr (to clarify, this discussion is centered around well-meaning people and not the actual lost causes). When I say ignorance, I don’t mean a lack of education or intelligence, I mean not being able to see or understand an issue from another person’s perspective. It’s not quite the same as empathy either (where empathy means you are able to feel another person’s emotions), but fighting ignorance does require empathy. It also requires knowledge on the context of the specific situation, and that I believe is the crux of the problem.  I think the main reason why this is issue is particularly prevalent in the DA fandom is a result of the too-close-to-reality-to-ignore inspirations that have been confirmed by the devs. Yes, it’s fiction, but there are also a lot of people that see themselves (mis)represented in the themes and characters. And what one person sees as disrespectful, another person may not see at all. This can come full circle, too, for example: one person sees themselves and their trauma represented in a character, another person sees their race misrepresented in the same character. Person 1 uses the character as a comfort character or coping strategy. Person 2 thinks using that character in certain situations is disrespectful. Neither one sees the other’s perspective.  This is where intersectionality starts to come into play, and requires empathy and effort to address the intentions and emotions of the other person. Perhaps person 1 is LGBTQ+ and has been traumatized by being as such, and uses Dorian as a character to explore their trauma. Perhaps person 2 is Brown, and racism towards their people is their trigger, and thinks person 1 did not do Brown representation justice in their creative works.  Looking at this more specifically, person 1 may have put Dorian in sexual situations. Person 2 feels that the way it was conveyed was fetishist or exotified. Person 2 doesn’t know person 1′s intentions. Person 1 is not aware of certain descriptions that are racist (e.g. using food to describe a PoC’s skin tone). Perhaps person 1 was self-inserting and wanted to feel desirable on their own terms, but this gave person 2 that squick factor.  Now person 2 wants to address this issue, and I think this is where a call-in (not a call-out) would be appropriate. Here is a good infographic that compares the two: 

(Original source)

Note that there is quite a large difference in the language used. Going back to the above example, person 2 could privately message person 1 asking them why they chose to represent Dorian the way they did, with specific examples, and using call-in language (and I’m going to get back to this in a minute). 

The point of this post and infographic isn’t meant to tell marginalized groups how they should be bringing up issues (though it is a good guide if you are concerned about being polite, particularly to a first time offender), it’s intended to demonstrate to people unintentionally participating in harmful behaviour what a call-out vs. call-in looks like. For PoC and other marginalized groups, yes it does take emotional labour to use call-in language and to try to understand someone that wounded you (here is a good read that incorporates the concept of emotional labour for call-ins, and discusses asking yourself if you are ready to do so). For the people who have unintentionally hurt a marginalized individual or group, please understand that someone calling you in is not an attack, it’s a chance to explain why you expressed something the way you did. 

That being said, we may have reached another hurdle. What if you call someone in, and the person called in does not want to discuss the fact that they were inserting their personal trauma? I think this is where things start to get a bit messy, but I am of the opinion that if you’ve unintentionally triggered someone else’s trauma through ignorance present in your work, you owe it to them to at the very least mention that you were inserting your trauma, without having to bring up specifics (anyone is allowed to set boundaries). From there, the discussion can be hopefully be opened up to learning from each other, and reaching a consensus. Sometimes that consensus requires the creator to edit or remove their work. As an addendum, if you are a creator that unintentionally hurt someone with your work that didn’t have an ulterior personal motivation, it’s your responsibility to understand why what you did was wrong, apologize, remove the work and do better next time. I know some people cherish their OCs, but you are allowed to change your perspective and make adjustments to your character without erasing them entirely. Now we’ve reached another potential obstacle - what if an offender doesn’t respond to your call-in? First of all, ask yourself, did you actually call them in, or did you attack them? Here is a good opinion piece from a Black professor on this matter. I’d like to clarify that I am not trying to tone police, I am speaking as someone that used to go ham on ignorant people on Facebook and Reddit, and has since changed their tactics and has even gotten through to Trump supporters (some of this stems from my spiritual growth as well, but that is not the point here).  There is another issue to address here now as well - what if you have tried, repeatedly, to call someone in and they just don’t change their behaviour? Alright, then it’s probably time to call them out. But again, ask yourself, did you truly try to get through to them? If so, well, at the end of the day, some people are, unfortunately, lost causes. In summary, a call-in is meant to come from a place of wanting to help someone who has seemingly gone astray, because you are worried about their thoughts, feelings, and behaviours towards a marginalized group. You know that if they made a mistake it isn’t them, isn’t their heart, and you want them to be able to understand why what they did hurt others, and give them the chance to correct themselves. It comes from a place of love and acceptance, because you don’t want your friends to harbour negative beliefs.  Finally, I want to give a real example of this in action. My cousin is a photographic artist, and was recently called in to discuss the nature of one of her pieces. Her subjects are usually people, and they come from a wide variety of backgrounds. To help support BLM (she does a lot of work to help fight racism in general), she auctioned off one of her pieces. The subject of the piece happened to be a Black woman. She was called in by Black members of her art community to discuss how people bidding on an art piece that featured a person from a marginalized group perpetuated the ogling and monetization of Black people. She gave a response that acknowledged that her piece did perpetuate this issue, because she wanted to raise awareness of this historical harm, and recognized that her intention was ignorant of this perspective. The Black community also acknowledged that the piece itself was not harmful in any way, only that the surrounding issue that they were painfully aware of needed to be brought to light. The auction went ahead, and the piece sold for ~$1000, all of which was donated to BLM.  I think as a fandom we should be cognizant of when a work itself is harmful, or when the intention is harmful. Sometimes they overlap, sometimes they don’t. Both are talking points, and we should not be afraid to discuss them, but this requires respect from all parties. We also do need to be able to recognize what is strictly fiction, versus what has real-world impacts. My askbox is always open and my DMs are open to mutuals if you would like anything clarified or expanded upon. Or, if you’d just like to discuss a topic, vent, or have any questions about my own beliefs, you are welcome to reach out. I am happy to discuss anything, as long as there is mutual respect. 

[scripttorture]

I have no idea if you can help me, but I am working on a short story that starts after a Sami girl is recovering from being tortured by Christian police after her father is put on trial for witchcraft. This is during the witch trials in Norway. I wanted to focus on recovery in the community and her animistic religion. However, I don’t know what kind of torture she could realistically be recovering from and if, aside from punishment, it should religiously motivated. Do you have any English links?

I put this one off for a long time hoping that the virus situation would improve enough for me to a) have less stress at work and b) be able to access the university library in my town. It doesn’t look like that’s going to happen.

 Norwegian history in the 1600s isn’t my strong suit. So my focus here is going to be advice on how to research this. I’ll also include the bits I found and some tortures so common that you can throw them in to virtually any setting without it standing out or being inaccurate.

 Before I get any further I don’t know anything about Sami culture. I’d strongly recommend trying to find Sami sensitivity readers if you haven’t already. Because it can be bloody hard to get accurate information on some of Europe’s oppressed minorities and I’d say the Sami fall squarely into that category.

 Historical research is fraught with pitfalls and when you’re starting out it can be really difficult to figure out which sources to trust. This only becomes worse when you’re working across a language barrier. And when the focus is torture it gets even more difficult.

 Torture has always been a hot button issue.

 The fact that virtually every culture has a history of torture doesn’t change that. Cultural ideas about what was ‘more painful’ or ‘more brutal’ or ‘shaming’ have all played a role in what was deemed ‘acceptable’ cruelty. So has the idea of who is an ‘acceptable’ or ‘deserving’ victim.

 And that means that misrepresenting the typical tortures of different countries, cultures, religious groups or past regimes has been part of political practice for literally hundreds of years. It is a very easy way to direct people’s hate and elicit an emotional response.

 I can’t stress enough how important it is to consider an author’s motivations, biases and abilities when you read historical sources.

 Think about whether an author was actually there for the events they describe. Think about their political and religious positions and what they may have to gain by pushing a particular message.

 Apologies if some of this comes across as teaching you how to suck eggs, but I know a lot of people don’t get this lesson in their history classes. So sources-

 Historical sources can be broadly categorised into primary and secondary sources. A primary source is something produced at the time. A secondary source is something produced later.

 Both can be untrustworthy/biased but a primary source gives you information about how events/practices were interpreted at the time, while a secondary sources tells you how they were remembered later.

 Primary sources can be things like diaries, court records of witch trials and objects produced in areas like Finnmark (northern Norway where most of the witch trials took place) at the time. Secondary sources might be things like how the witch trials are discussed in Norwegian history books and local history or stories about the witch trials that are told today.

 By reading about this in English you’re mostly being limited to secondary sources. The danger here is that secondary sources can misrepresent the time period they’re describing, deliberately or not. Authors make assumptions about how historical people lived, thought, what their actions meant and how their beliefs influenced their actions.

 Primary sources can also misrepresent what happened (deliberately or not) but with primary sources they are at least displaying the biases and concerns of the time.

 Generally historical research is about the collation and interpretation of primary sources. Which is a lot of work, requires a degree of expertise and often demands fluency in several languages.

 That level of work and knowledge appeals to some authors of historical fiction. But it isn’t for everyone. There’s nothing wrong with choosing to rely on history textbooks and the like instead of digging through transcriptions of things written back in the 1600s.

 Here’s the problem when you’re doing that for another country: English language sources are often very very biased in favour of other English language sources.

 This means if some bored academic in the 1930s made up a bunch of fan theories based on very little evidence it will probably still be used as a source today.

 And without having another language (with access to other sources it provides) it can be really difficult to spot that kind of fuckery.

 I am not saying that you need to learn Norwegian and believe me as someone with only one spoken language I understand how tackling a new one can be crazy intimidating.

 But I think you do need to know Norwegians. Particularly Norwegians with an interest in history.

 That’s all general stuff about researching historical periods in different countries.

 For torture in particular… I’m not gonna lie it’s a sack of angry snakes.

 Both primary and secondary often have considerable motivation for lying about torture. Historical accounts routinely downplay or outright lie about the damage different tortures cause. They are heavily judgemental about victims.

 And they run in to exactly the same issues we have trying to study use of different tortures today with the added difficulty that accounts from torturers are preserved far more frequently then accounts from survivors.

 It’s only once you start getting to the 1900s that you really start to see multiple survivor accounts of events. For the 1600s as a general period I can think of witness accounts and multiple accounts from torturers or their bosses in various countries. But the testimony of survivors is very very rare.

 This is an issue because we know from modern research that torturers routinely lie about what they do.

 There were laws in most European countries in this period that cover torture. They tend to define a sort of ‘accepted practice’: what torturers were supposed to do and for how long. And don’t get me wrong these are useful historical sources.

 But we know from comparing similar torture manuals used in the 1930s (and indeed more recently) to multiple accounts from torture survivors that torturers do not follow their own rules. I see no reason why torturers today would be less likely to follow ‘the rules’ then their historical predecessors.

 Looking up the laws of the land at the historical time period you’re interested in is a good place to start. But it won’t actually tell you everything that torturers did and it may not represent the most common tortures.

 It will give you a list of things that were definitely used at the time in that place though. Which isn’t a bad place to start.

 Look for history books that cover crime and punishment. If you can’t find one broad enough to do that (or give you a helpful summary of laws at the time) then I’ve found that accounts of specific historical figures in the relevant area/time often contain some of that information.

 The next major pitfall when researching historical torture is the bane of my existence: euphemisms.

 A lot of historical sources use vague or euphemistic terms for different tortures and then leave it up to the reader to figure out what they mean. This was probably perfectly clear at the time but now… less so.

 To use an example from something I’ve been trying to research for a while now I can tell you that the Ancient Egyptians definitely used torture. They say as much in surviving accounts of their justice system. They used it to punish, force confessions and attempt to gain information.

 They definitely beat people with sticks. They say they did, in multiple accounts. There are also wall carvings and paintings that show prisoners of war and enslaved people being menaced with sticks.

 However, I can’t find any definite suggestion that they used falaka, ie beating the soles of the feet with those sticks.

 Did they just hit people at random? This seems unlikely from a practical viewpoint as that’s a very easy way to kill someone. Did they ignore the feet and concentrate on other areas of the body? Did they use falaka and also beat other areas? Do I bring too much bias into this question because I’d love to find a historical point of origin for a torture that’s common throughout the Middle East today?

 Historical sources often just don’t contain the details we need to be certain about what torture they’re describing. Terminology is often vague. Descriptions can be contradictory. Often the only way to be certain is to come across an illustration or surviving device and even then this does not necessarily represent common practice and either piece of evidence could be contemporary propaganda rather then something that was actually used.

 When you’re talking about historical torture it is essential to find multiple sources and make sure they agree.

 Vague terminology like ‘water torture’ can cover a host of different sins. Finding a vague term or euphemism multiple times doesn’t even tell you if this was the same practice carried out in different areas or different practices with superficial similarities.

 If a source doesn’t give you enough information to be sure don’t use it. If a source suggests the meaning of a euphemism based on no clear evidence from the time period don’t use it.

 What I’ve found in my own small collection of books on witchcraft is very sparse on details.

 One of the older books I have suggests that there were almost no witch hunts or witch trials in Scandinavia which is complete bollocks. The book was published in 1959, so I’d suggest being wary of English language sources from that date and earlier.

 A much more recent (2017) Oxford University Press book on the subject gives an estimated 400-500 executions for witchcraft in Norway during the period of 1601-1670.

 This might seem like a small number compared to the thousands that were executed throughout the Holy Roman Empire but it seems a significant number given that the Norwegian trials were so concentrated in a small, sparsely populated region.

 Unfortunately this book is a very general overview of the perception of witchcraft and magic throughout Europe from the ancient world to the present. So it doesn’t really give any details of the kinds of tortures a Norwegian accused of witchcraft might endure.

 The author of the chapter on the witch trials was Rita Voltmer, University of Trier in case that’s helpful. She has published several papers on witch trials and the use of torture and at least one on witch trials in Norway. However a lot of her work is in German.

 These two papers/chapters in particular may be of interest: the english language document on torture and emotion in witch trials and the German paper on Norwegian and Danish witch trials.

 Several of the books I’ve got access to confirmed that Norway burnt witches and provided stories focused on shapeshifting and causing storms at sea. They also confirmed the use of torture in witch trials but nothing so helpful as the kind of tortures employed.

 I found multiple references to ‘water torture’. One of these implied that the particular torture was waterboarding alla the historical Dutch method. But the same source said this caused vomiting or possibly diarrhoea which seems to imply pumping.

 At a guess I’d say pumping is less likely because waterboarding can cause vomiting and so far as I know pumping wasn’t common anywhere in Europe during this period. However absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

 ‘Water torture’ could also potentially refer to: a temperature torture, near drowning, a method of sleep deprivation or even dehydration. Without more detail it’s really hard to say which of these is being referenced.

 I found one mention of ‘burning torture’ a reference that I think referred to tearing the flesh with hot pincers based on the description of a torn wound. However given I only found this referenced once and I’m unsure of the source I found it in, I would not say this is a good one to pick.

 Which leaves me with common tortures.

 Whatever the time period, whatever the place, beatings the most common torture. Easily.

 If your character gets repeatedly hit, whether it’s clean or not, you are not being historically inaccurate. And I’ve got a lot of posts on beatings generally and clean beatings that can help you write that.

 Starvation and dehydration are also both really common regardless of culture and time period. So are temperature tortures or exposure though I think different countries have favoured different methods at different times.

 Torturous cell conditions were incredibly common across Europe historically. Lack of sanitation, wet cells, inadequate bedding, over crowding and conditions amounting to a temperature torture were all really common. They were also often happening alongside starvation.

 I have a masterpost on starvation and tags covering temperature tortures, exposure and prisons. I think the ‘prisons’ tag should give you most of the posts covering poor cell conditions, ‘historical torture’ and ‘historical fiction’ may also be helpful to you.

 I’m sorry I couldn’t come up with anything more specific.

Available on Wordpress.

Disclaimer

Edit: So this should be my week off the blog but I’ve seen a lot of the responses to this. Most of them are extremely helpful, thank you to everyone who knows Norwegian that is offering to help.

However: if your instinct is to say that any torturer, historical or recent, is ‘honourable’ and follows a code of conduct then this blog is not the place for you. I don’t tolerate that kind of apologia or people using my work to spread it. 

[tundrainafrica]

I just find it so unfortunate that some aggressive shippers ruin a ship and a character for so many people. A popular Erwin x Levi artist got hate comments by some Levihan shippers and so many people are bashing it now on twitter because of that. Its just so sad considering LH was one of the most beautiful and fun dynamics in such a depressing story. Even Hange is getting hated because LH is pretty much the default ship involving them and it just breaks my heart :(

Twitter has some great content and I actually hang around AOT twt for some quick content. It’s like every time I’m feeling fast food I just hang there, like a few tweets, read a few soc med AUs etc etc. 

But god. It’s a mess man. Last year I was constantly on twitter to be honest and it left me in a bad mood everyday because people are just being assholes for little to no reason really but just to put themselves in what they believe is a morally higher ground from their peers. And people just like fighting and the funny part is no opinions are actually heard, no views are actually exchanged. It’s just “you dont agree with me so you’re a bad person.” 

Ad hominem attacks are just everywhere.

So I like staying in my small little hole and just talking to myself there and just liking the content of the Levihan people I actually follow. I see stuff I don’t agree with but I’ve kinda accepted that a lot of people there are just there to push an agenda because really if people were that open minded, I don’t think lynching and call out culture would have gotten this far.  

I’ve used this same analogy so many times but I feel like in Twitter, people are just scrambling for some sort of moral high ground. Because of that, it is completely useless to engage in discourse there because one thing I noticed is most people who are vocal there already have a set stance on something and the fact that they’re ready to just bully anyone who stands in the way of their agenda, just makes convincing them out of the agenda impossible and a complete waste of time. And there are two issues in particular among the LH community which are really unsettling for me: the ship wars and within the LH community, the gender war. 

Ship wars

I find the ship wars unnecessary because really what makes a superior ship? 

Probability of being canon? How much fuel they were given in canon? Healthiness of the relationship?

The truth is people ship for many reasons. But really, who are we to judge how a person goes about the way they decide to participate in the fandom and ship? As long as it is something they keep within personal spaces and do it responsibly, I don’t think it’s our business to judge someone or lynch them. The important thing is people are able to not be an asshole about it. People can ship the most questionable shit, create the most dubious content, as long as that person is respecting boundaries and putting the right tags and trigger warnings, who are we to call them out right?

Of course I prefer LH over other Levi ships personally but is there really a need to attack other people’s ships about it? I probably do poke fun at Ereri because until now I still do not get why people enjoy Ereri in the first place but why destroy the fandom experience for people just because we don’t agree with them.

My general intention behind shipping Levihan is because above anything I value the healthiness in the relationship and the things people can learn about love and relationships by analyzing Levihan’s dynamics and headcanoning them. I love Levi and Hange’s dynamics to death and I like digging deeper into them and pulling out lessons from it about love, life and relationships and just sharing them with people which is my whole point for participating in this fandom in the first place. 

But in the end, ships are just preferences. Some people like getting a kick out of dubious pairings and toxic relationships. As long as they consume these responsibly and don’t emulate them in real life, I see no problem in it. 

The toxic ones are the ones who actively crucify people for preferences. 

The Gender War

One really disturbing thing I found about twitter is that deciding to use ‘she’ to refer to Hange can get you lynched. I found a few accounts that would reblog tweets where someone says something like “Yes, Hange, Queen” which gets retweeted by some NB Hange folk who say stuff like “Unfollow this transphobe now.” 

Because apparently deciding to headcanon Hange as a woman or just preferring to use ‘she’ makes people a transphobe. Which is personally just... really disturbing. I don’t believe words like homophobic, transphobic, racist should be so easily thrown around unless there is hard evidence to believe that someone is really one of the epithets above like for example: 

There are things I find completely assholish like of course, refusing to use someone’s preferred pronouns if they ask you. 

But Hange is fictional and Hange is a gift to the fandom.And I don’t even think the issue about Hange’s gender should have ever reached this far. The only thing Yams ever said was that Hange is just not the type to be tied down to a single gender. 

And policing Hange’s gender and saying NOPE SHE’S NON BINARY USE THEY Is just counterintuitive to the whole idea that she’s a free spirit. In the end, Hange as a character wouldn’t have given a fuck whether people called her a they, she or even a he. 

And yeah, it’s frustrating really that these two issues I just discussed above are ruining Hange as a character for a lot of people and consequently, ruining Levi x Hange as a ship. 

Apparently, a lot of people are closet LxH shippers or closet Hange stans because the moment they tweet something about Hange, there are people who will attack them. If people refer to Hange as they, they get attacked. If people refer to Hange as she, they get attacked. There are so many antis apparently to the LxH ship, some apparently are jealous because ‘it’s the closest to canon’ while others just apparently deem it a toxic ship because of our own internal gender war.  

There’s no winning really. And to be honest, there’s nothing I can do either and I don’t want to engage in any arguments in twitter if at the end of it, I’m just gonna end up wasting my time listening to ad hominem attacks directed at me just for not agreeing with someone in a fandom related matter. . 

I’ve said my piece about the Hange gender issue so many times. There are NBs who use she. There are those who use they. Being female and being NB aren’t mutually exclusive. You can be both at the same time.

But yeah, we still have people being assholes about this and pushing factually wrong agendas. I love research and I have been writing research papers and metas for a lot of things even before I started this blog in the first place. And I eventually learned that the world is so complex that no opinion is completely and absolutely correct. 

And ideally, opinions shouldn’t be made so easily. 

Don’t get me wrong. I believe everyone is entitled to a preference and when I say preference I mean the type of food they like, the type of wallpaper they like. 

But no one is entitled to a moral judgement or opinion just for existing and when I say opinion I mean questions on morals, on what’s right or what isn’t, what is or what should be. Every single person has the responsibility to research, hear both sides of a discourse and understanding them before deciding for themselves what’s right. And this is why hearing accusations that someone is ‘transphobic,’ ‘homophobic’ blah blah over how we hc a character just really does not sit well with me. 

Passing moral judgement on someone requires discernment, deep thought and lots and lots of evidence. But yeah this is a philosophical question and a political question so I ain’t going to delve into it here.

Because, in the end, fandoms are preferences. The way we choose to participate in a fandom and create content are preferences more than anything.

So what? (Btw, if you reached all the way here, thank you for listening to me ramble lol and sorry if you weren’t expecting this type of ramble)

I know I’ve just been rambling a lot up there for a lot of reasons but really what message do I wanna give? 

Fandoms are preferences more than anything so I don’t even believe that there should be a discussion on moral judgement here. People can have the weirdest kinks, the most questionable preferences but as long as they aren’t going around romanticizing abuse, beating up people in real life, killing them and lying in real life, who are we to judge?

Even if someone says they have a rape kink and abuse kink when it comes to fics, as long as they acknowledge it’s something they shouldn’t emulate in real life, as long as they can keep an adult conversation about it, I think these people are generally kinder and more pleasant overall than people who force their healthy canon ship and lynch everyone for having more questionable preferences. 

Ship and let ship. Live and let live. Headcanon and let headcanon. If a person has a differing opinion, listen. (Or really, if you just don’t want to deal with listening to differing opinions coz you’re just gonna get stressed, don’t lynch? Don’t send hate? And just ignore it?)

Ask yourself. Does the person acknowledge that it isn’t right in real life? Do they acknowledge if they emulate it in real life it has the potential to be harmful?

Honestly, all I wanna do is just let people stan Levi and Hange however they want to. There are obviously hcs I dont agree with. But in the LH community we just all love Levihan, let’s not ruin the fandom experience for anyone. In the AOT community, we all just love AOT, let’s not ruin it for anyone. Let’s not hurt anyone, attack them etc. 

If someone doesn’t agree and they can hold an adult conversation about it and they don’t emulate these toxic opinions in real life and they recognize that there is the option to just agree to disagree, why don’t we just listen and engage in this discourse to learn more about other people and to build more perspectives?

Because really it isn’t the questionable hcs or the multiple genders which leaves such a bad taste in my mouth. It’s the people who just go straight to attacking instead of actually considering that there’s potential for discourse and there’s potential to ‘agree to disagree’ because in the end, fandom discourse is a question of preference more than moral judgement. 

It’s easier said than done really. But personally for me, I just try to keep my fandom experience as non toxic as possible while at the same time as mentally fulfilling as possible. I enjoy discourse, I like hearing differing opinions and I really believe with something as light and as inconsequential as fandoms as our common ground, we can learn to peacefully co-exist despite differing opinions on what the best ship is or what Hange’s gender is. 

Note: I won’t delve too much on the Hange gender issue here because I have pending asks about those which I’ll answer in one go, but I really believe that both they and she are valid pronouns for Hange. 

I have a general preference for ‘she’ because it’s just easier to read. But personally I don’t think too much about the gender identity issue because it’s really just too complex for me and i like spending my time thinking of other headcanons about Hange than gender and people who push the Hange is nb agenda and people who push the Hange is a female agenda and just insult each other and lynch each other are both equally unsettling. 

[thiscitychickk]

Heyy sis this ya fav from AO3 😂🤣! Okay, I feel like this a safe space so I don't feel bad in saying you opened up a can of worms with this latest chapter lmfao. This chapter was great, including the content all considering and the conversations/discussions that happened after the reading. That said, why did you actually include this topic in the story? Also, is there a way I can type without a limit lmfao cause I have more to say and I am not about type 3-4 asks 😂 I cannot.

**SPOILER ALERT: Ch19 Come Let Us Adore Him**

Hey sis🙂 I won’t shy away from any criticism, especially when it’s valid frustration and triggering content for people. 

Why did I include this plotline in the story? I think it goes back to what I’ve said all along. I want this story to be an accurate depiction of American politics as well as what it’s like to work in them. More than the inaccurate fanfics I’ve read, ther are also  tons of stories and books that feature star crossed Republican Democrat love stories that gloss over any bit of ideological differences and go from point A to deep in love without actually hitting on difficulties.

That said, slavery is part and parcel of our nation’s history. It’s awful. It is poorly taught in schools. Ramifications of slavery are very much being felt by our neighbors today - and also being denied by many people in power in Washington, DC and across the nation.

Republicans count on voters to not understand how it has created so many injustices, social and economic, and capitalize on it in the way they create their platforms, message, and campaign. In order for Lucius to be this right-wingy presidential candidate, that’s who he is.

Are there other avenues that I could’ve taken for their wealth? Sure, but the pervasive inequality caused by slavery, then sharecropping and convict leasing and Jim Crow, the New Deal, on and on. It all stems from slavery, and this is not the last that we will see of the fallout from the article as well as the general awfulness of some of what Lucius believes.

I also would ask that people remember that this is a Harry Potter AU - the premise of the Death Eaters, one could say, is blood supremacy. The equivalent of which is racism in the United States. I warred within myself over whether this was too tough of a topic to take on in fiction, but isn’t that the point? To grapple with the difficulty in our world and try and make sense of it? 

Unfortunately, with this fic, the sense that is made of this topic is that there is none. Especially for ‘white liberal allies.’ Hot take? Allyship is usually just performative. White people are hard-pressed to give up their stake in success, money, status, prestige without a fight, even if they say they will.

And Hermione? She’s 22. People have posted comments that are very angry with her - and some with me, saying that I write like a white liberal.

Which... I am. But I am also writing Hermione like any just out of college liberal who comes to Washington. She’s idealistic. She thinks she can change the world. She thinks she’s going to be doing good.

Nothing really happens in Washington - legislation that overhauls the systems as we know it - be it incarceration, health care, infrastructure, paid parental leave, child care, education... Those things hardly EVER get dealt with outside of a piecemeal approach.

Draco has had a lifetime to realize that, and he’s dating someone who is young enough to still be rocked by every wave in Washington. He knows that she’ll eventually find herself in the same place of subdued shoulder shrugging that he is in. 

***** This is the BIG thing that I want to get through with this story, especially with this chapter *****

Extreme partisan politics do not get legislation passed - her job is not to be an activist, her job is to support a member of congress’ legislative agenda. It took me about a year to realize that. It’s well known in Washington that almost everyone moves to the center of the political spectrum once they have worked on the Hill long enough. Liberals become more pragmatic and conservatives become more centrist. It’s just the way of the world when it comes to getting legislation passed.

I know that people are going to be mad at me for making this a central piece of the story - but I have promised to keep it realistic, and this is how it is in my experience working on the Hill.

Draco isn’t going to have a liberal revolution - Hermione isn’t going to become a Lucius fan girl and vote for him in the primary or  maybe even the general, if he becomes the GOP candidate (spoiler alert?). They’re two imperfect people who avert their eyes from shitty things because it’s easier not to fight or get upset sometimes.

But personally, should Hermione dump Draco over the fact that his father is unwilling to condemn slavery unequivocally? Maybe. She hasn’t yet, clearly.

This is a 22-year-old who has comfort and love and attention for the first time in years. She’s still figuring out what it means to care about politics and work in them and see no progressive bills make it to the president’s desk for signing. It’s rough to go through.

Could she do more? Yeah, but yelling at Draco is just going to have him say ‘this isn’t going to work.’ And that’s not what she wants at this point.

I guess the point that I come to with people’s anger over how she acts is what do you want out of this story? And I wish you could hear me ask, because it’s genuine curiosity, not annoyance or anger that people don’t like where I’ve taken things or where they believe it’ll go.

Do you want Draco to switch his party affiliation?

Do you want Hermione to dump him?

Do you want Draco to quit politics and move somewhere remote with Hermione and be miserable?

There are only a few ways this story could end up, with the two columns being ‘together’ and ‘not together.’ I totally totally get that people are annoyed, but that’s what comes from a realistic story of two very different people coming together. Everyone carries a different load in every relationship they’re in, and clearly Hermione has the heavier one in many aspects here.

Hopefully this clears a little up and can at least make you feel better about what you’re reading. Like I said, I get that this isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. 

Some people are continuing to say that their relationship is predatory, and that’s the only thing I find fault with. Hermione has continually consented throughout this story. Is there a power imbalance in their jobs? Certainly, but she doesn’t work for Draco. Draco doesn’t pay her salary, they don’t have anything to worry about ethically at this point in the professional realm. Personally? There is so much consent here. So much slow-walking to start their relationship up. She can leave at any time. She’s not being gaslit, hell, it would be easier for Draco and his whole family if she left him. She’s not being forced to do anything.

If you made it this far, you’re awesome. Thank you for your honesty, my friend, and I hope you have a great day!

[kagrenacs]

Explaining the Iceberg #7

I skipped over some content that I didn’t find appropriate/offensive.

Hasphat Antabolis: Caius’ informant in Morrowind, author of several books including The Life and Times of the Nerevarine

Elf Sightings: Random dialogue from Nords in Morrowind. “Seen any elves? Hahaha”

Sea Gods: An observation that generally there seem to be few gods of the sea in tamriel. MK said he’d offer his explanation in ‘Captain Tobiases sword meeting with Cyrus the Restless’ However this fic was never completed. 

The Last War: A theoretical, penultimate war between elves and men due to ideological differences spanning back to the Dawn Era.

Gods are Imaginary: A pretty easy one. Applying the belief that the existence of gods are to personalize different natural phenomena and concepts, instead of the gods actually being people you could talk to. 

Arnotelicon: Absolutely no idea.

The Calling: A reported Dwemer ability, similar to telepathy.

Chimer-Quey: From Pocket Guide, second edition (Which is essentially scrapped lore/imperial propaganda) Cathnoquey is an island in the Padomaic Sea, between Morrowind and Akavir. It’s home to a group of Chimer who separated from the mainland at some point in the past, and were unaffected by Azura’s curse.

Everything said about Talos is true: Because of the paradoxical nature of Dragon Breaks (and how Talos may have ascended after the events of Daggerfall), Talos is both a mortal and a false god (Tiber Septim, Wulfharth and Zurin) and the Ninth Divine.

Tigers are Dragons: The supposed connection between Tigers/cats and Dragons. The Ka Po’Tun of Akavir are similar to Khajiit, but appear more tigerlike, and their god is said to have become a dragon himself. 

Everything Vivec says is a lie: Not much to explain here, Vivec is well known to have dual meanings within works and even outright lie.

Reman heard Pelinal: The only thing i can think of linking this to is the legend of Pelinal shouting Reman’s name in battle.

The Tribunal Never Existed: Possibly a reference to this reddit thread, exploring how history would differ if the Tribunal never ascended https://www.reddit.com/r/teslore/comments/9vcu18/what_if_the_tribunal_never_existed/

Orc Tits: A piece of art by MK depicting Orcs with 6 nipples, like a boar.

The New Man: A being that achieves Amaranth

Reachman Anarcho-Primitivism: Anarcho-Primitivism is the purposeful rejection of modern technology, in favor of a largely self-sustaining or communal lifestyle. (I’d argue a group of people would have to be immersed in a society with values surrounding technology and division of labor to reject these values, and the Reachmen have had their own society since the Merethic Era)

Turd Helmets: You read that right ): Concept art for Nord helmets...made out of hardened turd.

Dreughs=Dragons: Not sure

C0DA’s: If you’re reading this i’m sure you’ve heard people say ‘well that’s my C0da’. Essentially C0DA was written by MK to encourage fans to contribute to the lore, in an open source format. C0DA and the games themselves establish multiple timelines exist, and this keeps everything canon, and everyone happy.

Alessia Created Dragons: Again, nothing found

Chair Stacking: A reference to the stacked chairs in House Dagoth keeps in Morrowind.

Thalmor worship Aldmeris: Seeing as how the thalmor seem equivalent/commentary on fascist groups, this isn’t surprising (whether this was the intent of the writers or not). One major characteristic of facist movements is an idea of returning to the past ‘when things were good’ (regardless if they actually were or not) and quasi-religion, both of which fall under the Thalmor worshiping Aldmeris. 

Dreugh are Elves: Sermon 28 of the 36 sermons describes them as the ‘Altmer of the Sea’

Almalexia fucked everyone except Nerevar: The historical fiction books 2920, indicate that Almalexia and Vivec had a relationship at some point. Also, as @boethiah has theorized, Almalexia and Nerevar’s marriage may have been purely political. From What my beloved taught me: [about enemies] This, too: the bitch-whore of storm if she does not take your hand when you ask it. (bitch-whore of a storm referring to Almalexia)

Quantum Akaspirits: The only two links leading to this are broken, but it seems to be a made up word mocking someone

Tomorrowind: The site that hosts MK’s c0da, along with other people’s c0das. All the stories take place in the distant future.

Pocket Guide to the Empire Second Edition: Within the universe, the pocket guides are pieces of highly propagandistic writing, commissioned by emperors after Tiber Septim to promote the empire as a united nation. The second edition was never published in canon, apart from the republic of Hahd.

Numinatus pHD: A character written by MK to be a doctor who-like figure.

Jagar Tharn is Tsaesci: The closest thing i could find was a theory proposing Jagar Tharn was a vampire, based off several lines of dialogue within Arena. And the Tsaesci are thought to be vampires.

The Right Reaching: From the tsaesci origin myth, seems to be the urge to create. https://www.reddit.com/r/teslore/comments/1z73oz/whats_the_right_reaching/

Orgnum destroyed Aldmeris: I didn’t find much on this, but I assume it’s straight forward. After exile from Aldmeris, Orgnum may have retaliated and destroyed Aldmeris.

Giant Swirls: Don’t know

Skylamps: creatures native to Morrowind, described as big gas bags with spears for feet, that have similar dispositions to cliff racers and described as natural predators to dragons.

Almalexia-Underking Connection: In the Akaviri war, Almalexia summoned the Underking/Wulfharth, who was one of her enemies in the Battle of Red Mountain. 

Keir-Jo: Author of the ‘Wild Elves’ and previously, a source for the book ‘Where were you when the dragon broke” this was later retconned

Amaranth anon Anu: The thought that Anu is the Godhead of the Elder Scrolls (as opposed to a Godhead dreaming Anu/Padomay)

CHIM by Skooma: Both a joke and possibly a nod to the thought that CHIM is just a drug induced hallucination 

YR founded the 4E Thalmor: An anonymous altmer with the initials YR, who annotated the First Edition Pocket Guide. He mentions that his father is Thalmor and applauds his non-interventional policies which leads to the theory that he founded the Thalmor.

Vivec Killed Tiber septim: A brief comment from MK mentioning Vivec killed Tiber Septim once, but due to the nature of dragon breaks this unfortunately didn’t last.

Arius: (not anus, as i misread the first time) A god of fire in Arena

The Parliament of Craters: Mentioned in Sermon 19. It’s difficult to determine what this means due to the sermon’s metaphorical nature. Within context, it seems to be a parliament on the moon.

Lost Twil: mentioned in two MK texts, and an ESO loading screen calls a historic figure a ‘Duke of Twil’ indicating it’s a region or county of some sort.

Thalmor Time control: Possibly a reference to Mirror Logicians (see previous posts) or Dawn magic in the void nights

The Striking/Exact Egg cracking: In argonian myths, this is indicated by Vivec to be the potential to do change and create something new, up to new kalpas.

Wilderland: Mentioned in King Edward, seemingly another name for Valenwood

Sentient Thras: The Sload primarily use coral in their architecture. ESO has several varieties of coral in game, Land Coral (notably seen at Vivec’s Antlers and described as possibly sentient) and Sload Neural Tree. Both item descriptions seem to indicate the coral has some semblance of sentience, and it’s not much of a stretch to assume the continent of Thras may share this trait.

Sermon Zero:  An obscure text by Douglas Goodwill, with several secrets within it. First, it’s a reference to the Rennes-le-Chateau hoax (a rabbit hole in of itself), secondly there are secret messages present within the text if you decipher it in the right ways. https://www.imperial-library.info/content/analysis-sermon-zero a link to the efforts to decipher it is here.

The Ebony listening frame: Mentioned in Sermon 9, it’s a metaphor for a vagina/oral sex

Hist-Jillian Wars: From Loveletter, mentioned briefly. A war in the 5th era between the hist and akatosh’s Jills.

[thefloatingstone]

If you’re doing Self Quarintine (and you should be if you can help it) here’s some Youtube recommendations! Some of these I have posted about or recommended before but with almost all of us stuck indoors now’s a good time to remind you of some cool things you can watch for free!

I’m not gonna imbed the videos, I’ll just post the link because otherwise I would only able to post 5 and I want to collect a few so you can make a playlist or something. (I could make a playlist too but then I couldn’t tell you what each video is and you can’t pick and choose which one sounds interesting to you)

In no particular order:

Polybius: The video Game that doesn’t exist

An hour long documentary in which the youtuber did extensive research to find the origin of the “Polybius” Urban Legend, which speaks of an early arcade game reportedly seen around the early 1980s which reportedly gave people migraines, insomnia, nausea, subliminal messages, and in some cases heart attacks.

The Universal S

A shorter video in which LEMMiNO does his very best to try and track down where exactly this S that we all drew in middle school comes from? Why does literally every country on earth seem to HAVE their children draw this S?

I also recommend LEMMiNO’s video on the Dayltov Pass Incident and the perplexing UFO cases

Down the Rabbit Hole: Henry Darger

Fredrick Knudsen has an incredible fascinating series called “Down the Rabbit Hole” which simply focuses on... anything you can discover and go digging into. From weird internet personalities, to bizarre happenings in history. This video is about the artist Henry Darger, a man who lived in the early 1900s and for all intents and purposes had a perfectly average, lonely life, until it was discovered just before his death he had spent literally decades writing and drawing a fantasy world in what is possibly the longest piece of literature ever written.

I also recommend his video on the Hurdy Gurdy

Bedtime Stories Channel

I’m actually just gonna link the whole channel for “Bedtime Stories”. If you like weird and creepy stories, all of which at least claim to be “true” then Bedtime Stories is great. Coupled by illustrations and subtle sound effects, Bedtime Stories is literally listening to someone tell you a story about such things like hikers who mysteriously went missing, Sightings of Bog Men in Florida and giant Birds over Chernobyl, as well as weird and unsettling murders that remain unsolved. Sometimes the facts are a little dubious or have been disproved, but that’s not the point of the channel. It’s here to tell a creepy story, not give you a documentary.

A Journey Through Rule of Rose

Rule of Rose is a Survival Horror gave for the PS2 which has rather bad gameplay... but a FASCINATING story with just as many layers and symbolism as Silent Hill 2 could boast. It tells the story of one young woman traveling back into her own childhood in an orphanage in the 1930s, and all the horrors that contains. From repressed grief, abusive relationships, child neglect, abuse, and bullying... but it ALSO contains symbolism of societal class structure, politics, eating the rich, and how power structures work. Not for the faint of heart, but HIGHLY recommended.

I also super highly recommend his video on the similarities between Silent Hill 2 and Solaris

Clemps Reviews Crisis Core

Mr. Clemps is a great internet gamer who reviews JRPGs and other games he simply enjoys. Sprinkling in a heavy dose of comedy and very fast jokes and observations, Clemps’ videos are always upbeat, fun, and incredibly enjoyable to watch. I’m linking part 1 of his Crisis Core video in which he explains why the PSP game remains a personal favourite of his despite its flaws.

I also recommend his video on Eternal Sonata

Defunct TV: The History of Dragon Tales

Defunctland is a channel that deals with theme parks and theme park rides that are no longer standing, or which are no longer around in their current form. Defunctland also has a sub series though, called “Defunct TV” where they look at the origin of children’s TV which are no longer airing. I recommend the video on Dragon Tales which is incredibly wholesome, and a genuinely uplifting and soft story of good people trying to make good things for children. (I also recommend the videos on Bear in the Big Blue House, Zoboomafoo, and Legends of the Hidden Temple)

Hagan’s Histories of Polar Exploration

A Playlist for Diamanda Hagan’s videos about the doomed Franklin Expedition from the late 1800s, where England tried to find a passage through the Northern Arctic to the Pacific Ocean. This went horribly horribly wrong, with every member of the Expedition dead. Over a 100 years later we are still fuzzy on what EXACTLY happened, but apart from the arctic chill, there is also evidence of faulty canned food, a series of bad decisions, and cannibalism. Caution advised for this series.

I also recommend the rest of Diamanda Hagan’s channel. She is NOT for everyone, but if you enjoy somebody reviewing Z grade indie movies as well as just BIZARRE films, really bad Christian media bordering on Science Fiction (without making fun of religion itself) hot takes of classic (and modern) Dr. Who, an introduction to Red Dwarf, She’s an EXCELLENT channel to check out.

Good Bad or Bad Bad: Pass Thru

A half podcast half review show where two guys watch a terrible film, decide if it’s “Good” Bad or just Bad Bad and tell you if you should watch it too.

That’s it. That’s the whole show.

I recommend diving into the untold madness that is one of the best(?) bad film makers currently still producing batshit insane movies, the immortal Niel Breen.

There is literally nothing I can say that’ll prepare you for Niel Breen.

(I also recommend their more recent video for “Dancin’ It’s on!”)

History Buffs: Apollo 13

Do you like History? Do you like movies ABOUT History? Do you want to know if the movies about history you watch actually resemble what really happened in any way at all? History Buffs is an EXCELLENT channel, which does talk about the merit of a film itself, but is mainly focused on letting you know just how true to life that historical film you watch is. I highly recommend his longest video which covers the space race between the USA and the USSR, leading to what is known as “The most Successful Failure in NASA’s History”. The Infamous Apollo 13 and where the words “Houston, we have a problem” came from.

If you’re not interested in Apollo 13 however, I also recommend his video on the movie Casino, as well as his video on the female philosopher, Agora.

The Internet Historian: The Goodening of No Man’s Sky

With videos with literally MILLIONS of views, you probably already know the Internet Historian. But I still want to recommend him very highly because his videos are just THAT good and entertaining. I recommend his newest video, documenting that time we were all pissed off about No Man’s Sky, the difficulties the game studio was in when the game released, and how they have been working hard to finally create what is now a truly brilliant game which is winning major awards. A really good underdog story of how a video game company actually saw what was wrong with their game, and FIXED it.

I also recommend his video on Fallour 76 as well as the Failure of Dashcon

8 Creepy Video game mysteries

Hey. Did you know that sometimes there’s some REALLY weird shit in video games, hidden easter eggs which took literal decades to find as well as just a lot of “what the actual fuck?”. Oddheader is a channel with a dedicated discord and Reddit form solely focusing on trying to find or replicate bizarre video game finds, mysteries, and hidden glitches. Even if it means getting in his car and driving to a specific arcade just to check a rumour about Street Fighter II’s arcade version. So if you like getting spooked by weird game shit that’s not just some dumb creepypasta, this is a great place to start.

I also recommend his video on weird discoveries in DVDs and movies.

Red Letter Media: Best of the Worst

Look you already know who Red Letter Media is.

You know... these guys:

Here’s a video of them and Macaulay Culkin watching 3 terrible movies together.

I recommend literally any and all of their videos. Their discussion on Carpenter’s The Thing is amazing.

The Impact of Akira: The film that changed Everything

Ok trying to pick just ONE Super Eyepatch Wolf video is literal torture. Originally I was going to suggest his recent video on Final Fantasy 7 for the PSone but I realised I recommended something FF7 related with Clemps, so instead I will recommend The Impact of Akira, a video talking in depth about Akira both as a film as well as a manga, how it completely and utterly changed the anime industry both in Japan as well as the west, and why it is still a meaningful and one of the most important anime/manga even to this day, still being unsurpassed despite so much competition.

However, ALL of Wolf’s videos are incredible, so I also recommend his videos on wrestling (despite me not caring about wrestling at all), His video on how media scares us, The bizarre reality of modern Simpsons, Why the Dragon Ball Z manga is great, and literally any other video he’s made. He hasn’t made one bad video yet.

Was Oblivion as Good as I remember?

Exactly what it says on the tin. The Salt Factory goes back to playing The Elder Scrolls Oblivion and now with hindsight and modern sensibilities, gives feedback on his experience and whether Oblivion still holds up. This isn’t a super in depth review of the game’s mechanics or how its put together or how it was made. This is simply one guy talking about his experience replaying it with somejokes thrown in and how he felt revisiting it. It’s pretty good.

I also recommend the video he did on Morrowind (because I’m biased).

Weird Japan Only PS1 games

Thor High Heels is SO GOOD and deserves SO MUCH MORE subs than he currently has. THH focuses a lot of obscure and lesser known games as well as big popular titles like the Yakuza series, talking about what he likes about them, what he thinks is cool, and just what kind of atmosphere and mood a certain game has, even if the game itself is kind of ass. He’s done several videos on games that were only released in Japan, as well as videos talking about the fashion in Squaresoft games and how it inspired as well as was inspired by real world street fashion, the aesthetic of PC-98 games and other topics. He also styles his videos and thumbnails after promotional art for video games from the 90s and generally just has an excellent style to his channel over all. Very chill.

Blue Reflection Review

ValkyrieAurora is a channel run by Sophie where she talks about games she personally likes and enjoys. Her videos are really laid back and her voice is really calm and pleasant to listen to. She’s made a bit of a reputation for herself as “The channel that talks about the Atelier Games” and general is just a really enjoyable channel worth checking out if you just want something soothing to listen to.

Ancient Chinese Historians Describe Japan

Voices from the Past is a channel were historical text is read out loud in english. These can be anything like the above video where Chinese historians describe the people of Japan around 297 AD, Accounts of “Dog-Men”, or the worlds oldest letter of complaint from 1750 BC. If you’d like something interesting historically to listen to but don’t want a full blown history lesson, this is a really good way to hear contemporary people talk about their experiences and what they thought about each other in their own words, without opinions or input given by the narrator.

The Most Mysterious Song on the Internet

Whang! is a channel that covers weird internet stories, some horrifying, some curious and interesting, and some just plain weird. His video on The Most Mysterious Song on the Internet and its update, are about a song which was recorded off the radio in Germany around the 1980s, and after one person online asked if anyone knew who the artist was as they couldn’t find any information, led to the realization that NOBODY online knows where this song came from or who sang it. It’s a fun mystery to look into that, unlike some others on this list, is not creepy or unsettling, although perhaps a little frustrating.

I also recommend his video on The Most Mysterious Anime theme song, and the haunted Ebay Painting.

5 Lost, Destroyed, and Locked away Broadcasts

Yesterworld is similar to the Defunctland channel in that it talks about obsolete rides, theme parks and other forgotten pieces of entertainment. Although the majority of the channel focuses on movie rides, rollercoasters and Disneyland, I recommend the video on lost and locked away broadcasts which you can no longer see. I also recommend the video about Lost and Rediscovered movie props.

The Nightmare Artist

I talked about this one recently as I just discovered this channel. This video is about the renowned Polish artist Zdzislaw Beksinski who painted surreal and horrifying paintings during his lifetime. There is no mystery here or anything like that, it merely talks about the impact WWII left on Beksinski and how the trauma his country and people suffered influenced his painting, and how certain images and motifs can be seen to directly reference this terrible part of Poland’s history.

Disabilities in Prehistory

Modern media likes to portray how “savage” the ancient past is, and tell us stories of how any person born with a deformity or disability would be thrown over a cliff or dumped in a well because they would be too big a drain on a community to look after. But here’s the thing... according to archaeological evidence, it turns out our ancient ancestors actually did their best to look after its disabled members to the best of their abilities. This video talks about archaeological finds of people who had genetic disabilities and what we can learn from their remains. TREY the Explainer is a great channel for archaeology and also talking about what answers we could have for sightings of cryptids. (not ALL of which we have answers for)

I also recommend his video on Pre-Contact dogs as well as Homosexuality in Nature and the Genetic History of the Ainu.

Decoding “The Secret: A treasure Hunt”

“The Secret” was an art book released in the 80s full of beautiful paintings, but it is also more than that. The book has a fantasy story talking about 12 fantastical races who left wonderful treasures for humans to find,and the book’s paintings and riddles will tell you where you can find each of these treasures which are yours to keep if you can solve the puzzle... and the treasures are 100% true and can actualy be found and claimed, if you can solve the riddles in the book. The video tells the story of the artbook, who was behind it, what the treasures are, how many have been found and various other facts and details.

I also recommend the videos on this channel “The Game: A scavenger Hunt” and “The investigation of Erratas”.

5 Ancient Inventions That Were WAY Ahead Of Their Time

I would recommend you be careful with this channel as its main focus is existentialism and rather alarming topics such as “how close are we to the apocalypse” and other things whose titles alone are enough to upset me. However this video is nothing like that. This video is exactly what the title suggests it is. 5 ancient inventions that were so incredibly ahead of their time you’d think they were made up. From the computer used by ancient Greeks to steel swords we don’t know how to replicate, this video is a great mix of mystery and history.

Although I caution you with this channel, I recommend Joe’s other videos about mysterious books, as well as his video on the most inbred people in history.

However, I know I keep repeating this, I highly recommend caution with this channel. Perhaps its just me and the topics of life and existent are just triggering for me, but I’d recommend maybe just doing a search for the titles I mentioned and not to go searching through the video library unless you’re not bothered by this kind of thing.

-

Anyway I could keep going, but I think that’s a LARGE amount of videos to keep you occupied for the time being as well as some suggestions for further viewing.

Please enjoy, let me know if you found something interesting, and look after yourself!

If you enjoyed this list at all, please consider tipping me for a coffee

☕️ Ko-fi ☕️

[savrenim]

omg i can't believe you replied-- i'm so starstruck right now! and wow, your reply is so long, like i said i would have been perfectly happy if you'd just said: "no" but you actually put in the effort to write such a long reply?? so thank you. alright now: i had no idea about ur original book, and I am so excited to read Opus I will buy it as soon as I can. 'm really excited for it now too, lol! will recommend it to all of my friends. running out space will add more on another ask

ok its me again. hi! i want to read honestly everything you said you'll write in your list of projects, but mostly Opus and witch-queen! actually sounds amazing! i will definitly try out ur book, esp if it's free-- and i have NO doubts that lots of other people will too! i'd buy it. and thank you-- for being so nice to your readers and writing projects that have literally make all the difference in people's lives and still carrying on even though there's not a lot of response. --carried on--

thank you for offering a bit of closure for itfmlam and all in all just being an amazing person. thank you thank you thank you! i... don't know what to say anymore, i'm not very good with words but, yeah. thank you. (and i expect that i WILL love opus-- gay and ploitics and Seers - yes! - all sound like they make a wonderful novel!)

yeah the tumblr ask system is ridiculous but also it is very fun to receive a bunch of asks in a row because The Ask System Is Ridiculous, it's almost a big "DnD joke sending Sending and running out of the 25 words because you don't plan your message ahead of time and keep babbling so keep re-casting the spell" sort of mood and I love it

I am really really glad that there is Someone out there who will give Opus a try which if you've read a beating heart of stone you've already met Saes and Luka which abhos is already so funny because, like. they're both in character for their circumstances but Saes will appear so different in the novel bc her circumstances are that different in the novel but I am. so, so excited about it. there are just so many tiny things that I love. it has The Gay. it has Enemies To Ride Or Die BFFs Speedrun. it has both Actual Intricate Fun Backroom Deals Backstabbing Politics and also Dramatic Duels To Settle Things a la “You know, I can hear you thinking that our government is fucked up and archaic. You can say it to my face.” “I was trying to be polite.” “You are forgetting one very very important detail. We have the defense of ‘we will beat you in a fistfight, therefore we are right and you are wrong.’” “Your government is incredibly convenient to me in particular and also fucked up and archaic.” it has 'so many of these characters are sassy little shits' as evidenced by the previous dialogue. it has 'if I've done this right it will start out feeling like okay fast-paced fun action and then you get like ten chapters in and PSYCHE there are Feelings shit just got Real'. it has such a weird fun civilization and culture that I made from scratch with a conlang where pronouns are not gendered but instead assigned by the speaker to the person that they're talking about based on the amount of respect the speaker has for that person and New Fun Verb Moods like not you've heard of the indicative but consider: the aggressive-indicative. it has the red/blue/gold system. it has an actual really cool looking cover that I commissioned from a friend bc they do that, they do the art thing professionally, so even though this is a self-published and ebook-free-I'll-probably-set-up-a-paperback-on-lulu-or-something-which-obvi-isn't-free-but'll-be-the-cheapest-it-can sort of deal it looks really cool and looks real and makes me feel like a real writer. and you just. aaaaah. have no idea how excited it makes me to hear that There Is An Audience Outside My Friends Who Have Had To Live With Me Ranting About This Nonstop For Four Years That Is Willing To Read This.

(also thrilled that someone will give witch-queen a try, it's weird and so few people like 2nd person writing but it is definitely a project that I am very excited about. given that it's probably going to be under 20k words it is also the sort of thing that will be finished very quickly the moment that I sit down to actually write it. the premise is intensely funny to me bc it is 1000% my reaction to watching an old B-list movie again that was a fave as a kid that I will probably admit to what said movie was on my patreon eventually but not out here in public and then finding in Wikipedia that it had a whole knock-off franchise except they totally in between movies 1 and 2 fridged the main love interest off-screen not even for angst just to I guess replace her with a new love interest and I was like. okay. what if. what if I write a revenge piece of fiction. where you have someone in her exact setup except then instead of being fridged offscreen through sheer spite and genre-savviness you have this queen who is just. aggressively avoiding the attempts of the narrative to assassinate her via refusing to participate in tropes that would end up with her dead and actually being scarily competent and it's weird but I also love it as a concept and do somewhat miss writing in 2nd person, I used to do it all the time when I worked at gay theater camp and wrote hundreds of thousands of words of character sheets for larps and anyways I'm ranting but witch-queen is fun and I'm ridiculous and self-indulgent enough and stubborn enough to bring it into the world)

and!! yeah!! very glad to have been able to answer!! I try to answer all of my asks, especially because they are currently at a Very Reasonable Volume, I am super grateful to receive them and so long as I have time I try to answer!!

[petri808]

Hiding in Plain Sight

Art by @lucykirklandart @lucykirkland check it out! 💜 story Beta’d by @cashieeetime written as a reflection piece of the artwork for the @ftguildevents Fairy Tail Reverse Big Bang  -2k words

“Yeah sure,” Lucy taps out the text message on her phone, her manicured nails clicking away on the glass surface. “see ya at school 2morrow.”

She was groomed and cultivated from birth to appear perfect in every way. As the only child of prominent parents, she never dared to appear less than refined and above all obedient. She might’ve had a more peaceful existence if her mother had lived, but the woman died of cancer by the time she’d turned four-years-old. Left with a father more interested with their status in the community than for his daughter’s wellbeing.

Needless to say, it was a miserable existence for the young woman.

By the time she had entered high school Lucy was sickeningly proficient in making sure no one saw her true emotions. She was well educated and maintained honor roll level grades. Her beauty and poise attracted both awe and jealousy from those around her, despite never doing anything to attract too much attention. In public, Lucy fixed a smile on her face and always appeared to be sweet, caring, and helpful.

This attracted a slew of friends to her side. The young teen gravitated to a select group but was considered to be well-liked amongst the many student cliques around school. Anyone looking in would assume Lucy had the perfect life. It was an image Lucy maintained out of fear that someone would discover the darker tendrils of pain lurking just below her porcelain veneer.

It was like wearing a mask anytime someone else was around.

No one knew how deeply her mother’s death tore into her psyche because her father never bothered to make sure the young child wasn’t affected by it. But the emotions ran the gamut from sadness and loss to betrayal, of why would life deal a young girl such a painful blow in taking their mother away from them. It created a hole in her soul that in order to cope with the loss, Lucy had erected a wall around her heart. If someone she loved like her mother could be ripped away, it was best she not give anyone the opportunity to do it again.

She lets the phone slide from her fingers onto the couch beside her, curling up her body around a pillow, and wrapping her arms around her legs. The text was from one of her closest friends asking for help with his English homework after school the next day. She couldn’t tell him ‘no’—rarely ever told anyone ‘no’ because that’s part of her cover façade.

Dutiful obedience.

Not that she thought he was taking advantage of her, and maybe a part of her wanted to help this person in particular because he seemed to genuinely care about his friends; Lucy included. But this only served to escalate the conflict brewing inside of her. On the one hand, there is her desire to stay distant, but on the other, a human need for closeness. It was a double-edged balancing act-- Acquiesce to be helpful but letting them get too close would trigger her anxieties.

‘I hate my brain…’ Lucy buried her face into the pillow. She hated feeling so alone in this world, of having friends all around her but never truly feeling like she was a part of any group. Her brain could barely comprehend why she felt this way and her subconscious reminded her it was of her own making. Not a purposeful choice, but the results of walling off her heart. It was a constant conflict waged in her mind, and this conflict was the only consistency she’s really known.

Worst of all, she felt like a fraud. All the painted smiles, all of the lies told to keep her secrets, carefully woven like a spider’s web. Beautiful to the naked eye, yet deadly within… at least for herself. She justified every step she took in fear of everything coming unraveled and her life made bare to the world. All her so-called friends would probably hate her when they found out the truth, that’s what she believed with every fiber of her being. And so, she kept up the charade for them, for everyone, until fact and fiction were a universal confliction.

Lucy closes her eyes hoping to cast these images away, but they only burn brighter behind the lids. She didn’t want them to hate her. She wanted to be their friend. The teenage heart beating in her chest wanted what any young person wanted… to be loved. And yes, there was one person in particular who she’d sell her soul to love and be loved by, which in turn only sent her anxieties skyrocketing. Because what-if he felt the same way? But what-if it was for this shell named Lucy Heartfilia? If she were to show her true colors would he accept her for who she was?

And who was the real Lucy Heartfilia? When she was a young child, she shared a love of astronomy with her mother which smolders somewhere inside of her. She knows it’s still there, waiting for attention, that comes out whenever she notices a clear night sky. In her primary school days, literature caught her attention, especially the fiction stories. Being placed into advanced English classes in middle school opened that door even wider and provided a small escape from reality. But it never lasted because her father couldn’t see the importance of such skills for her future, so it was pushed to the side. Business was all that man cared about, and as his only heir, all the pressure of success was placed on Lucy’s shoulders. It was wholly unfair.

By the time Lucy had made it to high school, anything she loved or fancied was tossed to the side and a new persona born. Whatever interested those around her became her interests. Her life was destined to be miserable anyways, so why care about anything? At least if she was only pretending to enjoy the same things as others, it kept those people happy and at bay from delving too deeply into what and who she really was. That was the safest route in her broken mind.

She buries her face deeper into the soft throw pillow and quietly allows a few simpering tears to break free and soak into the fabric. There was no one around to hear them and blow her cover, but that only added to the weight of loneliness aching in her heart. Her father was away on a business deal, and the hired help only came by on a routine. The nights were the worst of all. An empty house save her, with only the ghosts of lives past haunting it’s walls. Lucy might as well be an orphan.

What good was she really? To keep existing as what, her father’s doll? Lucy knew he expected her to marry someone to his specifications and while she was to be of both good breeding and intellect, her place was in the shadows, silent and unheard. And no matter how much she loathed this design, she never fought back against it. ‘I’m really useless…’ What was the point of living knowing that she’d end up in a gilded cage? Too weak to stand up for herself. Foolish enough to be taken advantage of. Death would be a relief.

And even that scared her into staying silent. Lucy didn’t want to die she just didn’t want to live like this anymore. Was that too much to ask for?  

Worthless creature.

Go ahead and cry some more, her subconscious taunts back. Cry for the girl you could be and of the woman you never will become. She was caught in an endless loop of sadness and shame, with no light at the end of the tunnel.

The cell phone pings with a message, so she sweeps her eyes over the screen without moving her head.

“Goodnight Lucy :)”

It was a final message from the boy who needed help tomorrow. How polite of him.

“Goodnight Natsu”

She replies back out of courtesy, fingers hovering for a few seconds in hesitation. There was a strong pull to reach out for help too… but Lucy just couldn’t do it. Ugh! She silences the phones ringer.

Useless idiot.

There were three options Lucy could think of. End her life and become another statistic. Just give in and accept her life will never be her own. Or give up this façade and tell the truth. To be possibly disowned by her father and thrown out on the streets with nothing. Or stay quiet and obedient but with a roof over her head. Her father knew a lot of people and what’s to say if she did open up to someone, that it wouldn’t get back to him somehow? The man had never laid a hand on her, but she feared him greatly.

But she didn’t know how much longer she could keep up this façade. It was destroying her, literally and figuratively. If her life were a story book, her character would be the one who dies because they stupid enough to listen without thinking for themselves. ‘I hate myself and what I’ve turned into. I’ll never be worth anything, just a Heartfilia to carry on the legacy. To be used and exploited until there is no need for me anymore. Argh! I hate myself and yet I don’t even know who the hell that is! Why do I have to feel this way…’

If there were a way to turn off her emotions, Lucy would snap it up in a heartbeat. Just make her completely numb to everything. Truly become a doll who speaks with pre-programmed phrases. A robot who felt no love or sadness and only knew how to be a servant like in a sci-fi movie. She thought that by walling off her heart it would shield her from the pain, but it only caused a deeper one to take root. And frankly, even if she tried now to fix it, how do you erase 14 years of misery?

It would take years of therapy, hundreds of hours and dollars to do just that. Not to mention having to re-live all the painful experiences that drove her to become the way she did. So much for any chance of a solid relationship. She couldn’t subject anyone else to this, that would only make her feel worse.

An utter burden.

To ask someone to bear some of her weight upon their shoulders would be unfair, and if she truly believed this, how could she ever bring herself to open up to anyone, especially if she cared about them. Yet, she wanted to do it. At least a small part of her screaming from the depths of her mind, pleading selfishly to just tell someone! Screw it all! Who cares if they dump you as a friend afterward. Stop worrying about the what if’s because she can’t predict the future.

If only it were so easy.

A few minutes pass by as she sits there in silence, when the light from her phone illuminates the room for just a moment.

“Are you okay?”

Her breathing hitches, stopping short in her throat. Why would Natsu ask that question?! The screen goes black again bathing her in darkness, but the words had dealt their blow. Histories of conversations and interactions are replayed in her mind as Lucy searches for any justification for that message. Had she done something, said something to lead him to believe she wasn’t okay? Oh, no! She’d forgotten to add a happy face emoji or a blush emoji to her response. Is that what made him pick up on a problem.

“I’m fine, really *blush emoji*”

Okay, that should do it, right? Her response was simple yet positive, nothing to indicate the opposite turmoil festering in her mind. Ugh, she shouldn’t have let herself slip into a depressed state tonight. Perhaps her subliminal consciousness tripped up her perfect record of hiding things in plain sight because deep down she wanted to be caught.

“*frown face* I don’t believe that Lucy, somethings wrong I can feel it.”

More tears rise to the surface from the realization that her perfect house of cards were about to come crashing down over a text message of all things. Lucy could continue to lie. Should she continue to lie? Really, I’m fine just tired. Don’t worry about me. I was distracted with homework. All valid responses she could use to justify the slip up.

“Lucy? You know you can talk to me, right?”

Her chest constricts further as she chokes down a sob. How?! How does she know that to be true?! What if he laughs or ridicules her? What if? What if? What if?! ‘Stop it!’ Lucy screams in her head. Heaven help her, she couldn’t take it anymore! Natsu was her friend and in her heart of hearts, he would never knowingly hurt her.

Instead of answering the text, Lucy clicks the call button instead.

“Lucy?”

“Natsu… You’re right. I-I’m not okay…”