#if someone actually reads this from start to finish bffs

[donnapalude]

flint and the theology of st. augustine: darkness, good, evil, and the nature of humanity

black sails (xxxvi / 4.08) || augustine: confessions (7.18 - 7.19), edited and translated by a. c. outler || black sails (xxxvi / 4.08) || augustine: city of god (12.9 - 12.8), translated by m. dods || black sails (xxvii / 3.09) || augustine: confessions (12.3), edited and translated by a. c. outler || black sails (xxxviii / 4.10) || augustine: confessions (12.6), edited and translated by a. c. outler || black sails (xxxviii / 4.10) || augustine: confessions (12.8 - 12.6), edited and translated by a. c. outler

[saetoru]

✩ ‧₊˚ ✩。what if you’re someone i just want around (i’m falling again)

synopsis. somewhere along the line, you started to hate suguru—that doesn’t mean you stopped loving him too

— word count. 9.5k (i am in misery)

— contents. post canon! au — fix it! (we all need a good fix it fic with suguru don't lie), this fic was started before recent manga chapters so the higher ups are still alive—just go with it ok :,), geto survives + lives free of kenjaku, exes to lovers, kind of redemption i suppose, mentions of blood, injuries, and weight loss (geto), mentions of canon character deaths (nanako, mimiko, nanami), mentions of wanting to raise children with geto and have a family, no gendered terms but reader has a personality and actual thoughts and feelings, references to the hunger games (you have movie night lol), BFF satoru (he is babie), there is a kiss y’all !! (scandalous i know :O)

— notes. i started this fic back in march and i had trouble with it and put it on pause for a while. i’m very glad i finished it in the end. i always like fix it! fics and this is self-indulgent and idk if ppl will read it bc it’s sfw but it’s ok if they don’t, i loved writing it. thank you koi for beta-reading this whole bad boy. mwah <333

the day suguru is declared a free man is actually the day he signs away his freedom for good. 

you say nothing, but you know it’s the truth. satoru fights tooth and nail to plead suguru’s case—you think it’s perhaps a little too desperate for it to be in the best interest of suguru and not himself. but satoru has suffered enough, and admittedly—although you deny it—a small part of you does not want to lose suguru twice. you watch as satoru argues that suguru has already died once—surely he can’t die again? and losing control of his body and mind is paying for his crimes enough, is it not? he argues that there are no ideals left for a man like geto suguru to chase after losing himself to every principle he had left. 

and then satoru wins. 

you expect it, but it doesn’t make it any easier. you watch numbly as suguru is assigned under your watch. you should be happy. you love suguru—you never stopped. but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s not a free man, and now he drags your freedom with his. you’ll never break away from him, never cut through the ropes that tie your hands behind your back and bind you to him—and then you wonder for a moment, unsure if it’s selfish or selfless or some cruel in-between to think this way, if geto suguru was better off dead. 

whether that’s for your sake, or his, you’re not sure. 

and yes, he’s let off alive, and sure, there’s no real punishment for all he’s done, but you know deep down he’s as chained and shackled as he’s ever been. he’s not allowed to leave the house unless you or satoru are there to chaperone, and it’s never to be anywhere near non-sorcerers. he’s not to live in a place of his own until the higher up’s deem him trustworthy. he has to ask you to buy the things he wants from the grocery store. he can’t even step outside for a smoke unless you’re aware. 

for a long time, he doesn’t speak much—can hardly muster a barely audible mornin’ back when you force a smile and greet him cheerily for breakfast. slowly, it turns into half-snarky conversations that get cut short by one of you leaving the room. finally, you’re civil—maybe even friendly. you’re not so sure where you stand with him as of now.

it’s not the same suguru you remember falling in love with, it’s not even close to the version of the man you fell for all those years ago. it’s hard having him here—some days you’re angry and want to throw him out, to scream at him for haunting you again just when you think you’ve moved on from the horrors of your past. some days you want to cry and cling to him, bury your face into his neck and thank him for being here again, for finding his way back to you. and some days you wish you never met him at all, that this would all be easier if it didn’t exist in the first place. 

he’s not the same geto suguru you loved, but somehow, because life is as bitter as it is ruthless, you fall in love with this version just as hard no matter how much you deny it. 

“i made your favorite,” you smile gently, placing a neat plate of french toast with freshly cut strawberries on the side. you even take great care to get the syrup-to-powdered sugar ratio he likes right, but he doesn’t make a move to reach for the plate. instead, suguru sits at the table stiffly, like he has to be here or there are consequences for that too. it almost makes you sad—even here, he’s not free. 

“thanks,” he says quietly, “but i’m not hungry.”

“you said that last night, suguru,” you sigh, “and at lunch. and at breakfast. and at dinner the night before—”

“i’ll eat it later,” he cuts you off, playing with the ends of his hair. 

it’s a lot shorter now. it’s you who finds his body battered and bruised after the smoke clears. he’s almost unrecognizable, not the same charming and perfect suguru you’re used to seeing. not the same silkened strands and smooth skin, not the same muscled and toned body, not the same chiseled jaw and soft cheeks. instead, he’s a shell of himself. his hair is matted in knots, his body is almost frail, and you notice the sunken hollows of his cheeks and dark undereyes as you lift him from the rubble a little too easily. but his body is his own—that much you can tell from the way the stitches have disappeared. 

it takes shoko a long time to nurse him back to health—it takes even longer for him to open his eyes.

you waited day and night by his side, hand over his as he breathed slowly, unconscious and unsuspecting. it would be so easy, you think one night, it would be so easy to kill him and forget and move on. 

you’ve already grieved him once before. you’ve felt and conquered the pain of loving geto suguru and losing him first to himself and then to death. but love is as selfish as it is selfless, and it’s under your mercy that you let him live—yet it’s under your cowardice that you keep him close. 

“you have to gain back the weight you lost, suguru,” you sigh, “you’re w—”

“weak?” he finishes for you, eyeing you for a second and then grinning. it’s unsettling, a grin that makes your skin crawl and your heart stop for a moment before he’s reaching for the fork and stabbing into his toast. “is that what you wanted to say? that i’m weak?”

“suguru, you know that’s not how i meant—”

“you’re not wrong,” he hums, chewing on the first bite as he speaks, “i suppose i am pretty weak right now, huh? couldn’t even kill you in your sleep if i tried could i?”

your throat is dry as you shrug, “i suppose not,” you whisper. 

“ah,” he grins again, “but that doesn’t stop you from locking your door every night, does it?” 

suguru is still healing. his body is weak, and sometimes, he leans against the wall as he walks. his arm is healed—you’re not entirely sure how, but you catch him rolling the shoulder out every now and then like it’s sore and stiff. he’s lost a lot of weight—part of it is from being bedridden for as long as he was, injured and half alive, and part of it is from barely eating—save for the few bites you force into him. you never thought there’d be a day when you could say this—but the odds of you beating suguru in hand-to-hand combat are high, and the reality is an everlasting reminder that he is not who you fell for. 

you swallow, letting out a shaky breath as he watches you closely, diligently cutting another bite from the french toast sitting on his plate as he stares you down like he can see past your soul. you don’t know what’s scarier—that suguru can still practically see yours, or that you’re unsure he even has one anymore. 

“you tried coming in?” you ask, unsure what else to say. he merely shrugs, takes another bite, and sets his fork down. 

“thought i’d check on you,” he pops a strawberry half into his mouth as he speaks.

“is that what it really was?” you raise a brow, “or was i right to lock the door?”

you’re not sure why you lock the door at night. maybe it’s because you don’t trust him, or maybe it’s because you don’t want him near you just yet. you’re not sure. you’re not sure how satoru can go back to his cheery self, how he can step through your door and boom a loud yo, suguru! before settling beside suguru on the couch with his feet on the coffee table as he rambles away. maybe it’s not real—maybe it’s satoru desperately pretending that if he tries hard enough, things can go back to how they were. 

but you don’t know how he still has the energy to try, and you don’t know if you have it in you to try anymore yourself. 

you and suguru stare each other down like that for a bit, the tension rising with every silent second that passes. you’re sure he doesn’t want to be here as much as you don’t want him around—but you’re also sure he’s glad it’s here with you as much as you’re glad it’s with no one else.

“you tell me,” he smirks after a bit, the hint of amusement making your fists clench. how dare he have the audacity to look at you like that in your own home? like he has the upper hand over you without trying? “what do you think i was there for?”

“i think you should stay in your room, suguru,” you say carefully, “i bought a new bed just for that room.”

“how sweet of you,” he hums. he sips the tea before him—it’s cold by now, but it’s just how he likes it, rose with one sugar. “you must have been excited to have me.”

“hardly,” you mumble bitterly—you can’t help it. you want him to feel hurt, even just a little. you want him to know that just because he’s back, it doesn’t mean you’ve waited all this time for him to be. liar, a part of you says, you’ve always waited for him, haven’t you? but suguru doesn’t seem phased—he doesn’t even blink.

“then tell me, why am i here?” suguru asks, his tone is as casual as ever. 

i wish i knew, you want to say. i wish i knew but i don’t.

“because satoru asked you to be,” is all you can say.

he nods, pushing back his plate and standing up, offering you that same grin. “you’re right,” he hums, “that’s exactly why i’m here.”

it hits you why his smile is so unsettling once he leaves—it’s almost genuine, like he’s still loved you all this time. impossible, you tell yourself. suguru stopped loving you a long time ago. and you need to stop trying to figure out why. 

————————————————

even despite telling yourself you don’t care what suguru thinks, a small part of you needs to prove to him you’re not scared of him. that you don’t fear for your own safety in your home, and that him being here is not some form of him haunting you. you don’t care. he shouldn’t get the luxury of thinking you care. he can come in and watch you sleep like the creep he is if he wants—you couldn’t bother to give it a second thought. 

the first night you take a chance and leave the door unlocked, suguru slips into bed beside you. it wakes you up instantly, and before you can question it, his head tucks into your neck, and his hand grasps your shirt tightly. you notice the panting almost instantly—and then you realize, it must be a nightmare. 

you fall into old habits, even after all these years, defaulting to care for him like it’s second nature. 

“you’re safe, suguru,” is what you settle for saying after a moment of contemplation. it’s all you can really think to say, so you brush your lips over the top of his head as you murmur, “you’re safe,” over and over again. 

as difficult as it is to have suguru around, as painful and cruel and aggravating as it is to be reminded of his distant existence even as he’s two doors down, this part feels natural. it’s almost like you’re back in jujutsu high, waking up to him sneaking into your room as he presses his weight over your body and wakes you with soft kisses along your face. 

except this time, he’s not annoyingly demanding cuddles or telling you about his weird dream, he’s not stealing your blanket and demanding you play with his hair. this time, it’s not the same suguru—and this time, it’s not jujutsu high. 

it’s your room. the one you got on the other side of town to leave the sorcery world behind, somehow still stuck right in the center of it no matter where you go. and yet, just like all those years ago, your legs tangle, and your arms wrap him up, and you murmur, “you’re safe,” while he catches his breath. 

“but they’re not,” he mutters in between labored pants, making you pause. 

and then you remember. 

faintly, you recall the blonde and black hair from a distance, you remember bitterly wondering what’d it be like watching suguru fathering children of your own as you came to the reality that it would never happen. sometimes, you wonder if you hate nanako and mimiko for existing, for living as the dreams you never got to live through with suguru. 

it’s selfish—to hate two children because they are what you do not have. 

but then you feel something wet hit your neck, and then you wish they were okay—for his sake. and just for a moment, you’re selfless again. 

“they’re not safe,” he mutters, making you sigh. 

“they are,” you whisper, hesitating for a moment before letting your fingers slip into his hair. you scratch gently at his scalp, feeling his body melt into yours almost instantly—like it’s a response that’s natural to him. “they’re not suffering. not anymore.”

“is that supposed to make me feel better?” he scoffs. you shrug, letting your cheek press against the top of his head as you sigh.

“it helps me feel better,” you say softly, “‘s just how you learn to cope.”

it’s an understanding you both silently come to. loss on both sides. bloodshed on either ground. defeat no matter which ideal you take. to love is to bear the pain of mortality—it’s a lesson that you never cease to learn until the ends of time itself. 

“the jujutsu world is one of suffering,” he grits, sniffling into your neck. you hum, pressing a kiss to his head as your eyes close. 

“every world is one of suffering, suguru, you can’t erase them all. the sooner you realize that, the easier you’ll find peace.”

you fall into a slumber after that, faintly aware of the way he shuffles closer to you, faintly aware of the soft kiss pressed to your skin as sleep takes over your body and drifts you out of consciousness. 

when you wake up the next morning, suguru is gone, and the door is closed. the blanket is tucked up to your chin, and your neck still tingles from last night. 

————————————————

“get up,” you throw a pillow at suguru, waking him up with a start as he sits up. his hair is tousled and messy from sleep—it’s now long enough that he can put it in a bun without strands slipping from the bottom anymore. you chuckle as he glares at you, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes as he groans. 

“the fuck was that for?” he grunts, holding the blanket up to cover his exposed chest. 

it’s funny that he does that, in a way. it’s not as though you haven’t seen his chest…and then some too. it’s not like you haven’t torn his shirt off to stanch the flow of blood from his injuries before or feel the bare skin with your palm under the pale moonlight as the lingering scent of sex breezes through the room. 

but somehow, even though he doesn’t need to cover his chest around you of all people, you’re glad that he does. truthfully, it keeps you slightly comforted to know that he’s aware you’re still technically strangers—no matter how well-versed you are in each other’s pasts. but you don’t ponder on it too much. instead, you grin, shoving aside the visual of the small glance you caught at his pecs, and you clap your hands to motion him to hurry. 

“we are going grocery shopping,” you say casually—as though it’s not something to make him raise a brow in shock.

“me?” he points a finger at himself. you roll your eyes, and he challenges you with another raise of his brow. “aren’t i supposed to stay away from civilians?”

“yes, you,” you nod, pointing back at him, “and satoru has worked overtime to get you granted permission to roam around with me. he says you’re welcome, by the way.”

“tell him to go fuck off.”

“that’s ungrateful,” you say flatly, “his feelings will be hurt.”

“his feelings will find a way to cope,” suguru huffs. “i don’t want to be around…them,” he says bitterly. 

you suppose it’s wishful thinking to hope suguru has let go of his past beliefs. perhaps he’s long abandoned the possibility of the vision he once planned on bringing to life, but you can’t say you expected him to revert back to the old suguru who fought alongside you and satoru. you yourself certainly have no intention of returning to the sorcery world after all the events, so you can’t say you’re shocked by the lack of change he seems to show. but then again, you suppose suguru has changed. whether he sees it or not. 

he stays here and doesn’t put up a fight to leave even though he can now that he’s healed. he eats lunch when you tell him and even washes the dishes. sometimes, when you come home a bit late, dinner is even ready on the table as he sits and stares at you expectantly. his plate is empty like yours—like he’s been waiting for you even though he doesn’t need to. you suppose you can see he’s changed in the way he doesn’t scoff at the tv channels you surf through, he silently sits on the opposite end of the couch now and watches with you, and perhaps if you’re lucky, you’ll hear a light chuckle or a quiet sigh as the scenes roll on the screen. 

you suppose this suguru is a step closer to your suguru every day he spends with you, but you don’t know if any suguru is what you need right now. perhaps that name should’ve been buried away as a distant memory, perhaps it should’ve only been something you unlock once every year on his death anniversary—when satoru clambers through your door drunk and unsteady as he clutches the hand that killed his best friend, only to share pancakes with you in the morning and pretend like you don’t notice the dried tears on his cheeks while he acts like he doesn’t catch the way your hand shakes as you cut into your breakfast. 

but suguru is here now. whether it’s as geto, one half of the strongest duo in jujutsu high, whether it’s as suguru, the love of your life and the sole reason you exist, or whether it’s as geto suguru, the curse user and mass murderer who haunts your past, present, and everything in between. 

so you simply sigh, grab the pillow again, and hit the top of his head before walking over to the door as you call over your shoulder, “i’m gonna wait for you by the door in fifteen minutes. be ready or face the consequences..”

“no thanks. don’t wanna,” suguru grumbles petulantly, frowning at you as you stick your tongue at him, smirking as if you’ve just played your ace. 

“too bad,” you sing before swinging the door shut.

he’s at the door in exactly fifteen minutes, like he waited until the last possible second to join you as a move of spite. but you simply gesture him out the door and lock up, taking your sweet time as he stands there with an annoyed face. you stare at the doorknob once you’re done, taking a deep breath before turning to him with your best smile. 

“let’s go,” you hum.

“after you,” he mutters.

—

he grimaces as soon as he sees the people going about their business, clearly unhappy with the idea of being around non-sorcerers, but one sharp glare from you has him sighing and trekking along. the grocery store, admittedly, is not as bad as suguru thinks—in fact, there are lots of things he doesn’t realize he misses until he watches you grab a shopping cart. 

suddenly, he sees shadows. the silhouette of your figure climbing into the cart, the angry wave of satoru’s hands as he claims it's his turn to be pushed around, the figure of shoko pinching the bridge of her nose in irritation from the back—and then, he sees the dark shadow of baggy pants and a small bun. it’s him. suguru watches himself almost in slow motion through the remnants of his imagination as he gently shoves satoru out of the way and reaches to poke the tip of your nose before he pushes the cart with you in it.  

it’s a happy memory—and it’s gone all too soon.

as soon as he blinks, the shadows have disappeared—instead, it’s you waving a hand in his face, concern written on your features as you call his name. 

“suguru? hey, hello? are you with me?”

he exhales, pulled from his trance as he gently grabs your wrist from in front of his face and sets it down as he nods, “yeah, i’m fine. just thinking,” he mumbles. 

for a second, you hesitate, like you almost mean to say something. but in the end, you only nod before turning to grab the shopping cart. but he stops you—grabs the handle and turns to you with a small smile on his face, making you raise a brow as he gently moves you away. 

“what are you—”

“get in,” he grins, making you stare at him in bewilderment. 

“what?”

“just get in,” he sighs, “you love it when you get to sit in the cart.”

“i’m not a teenager anymore—”

“get in, will you?” he groans, “always so damn difficult.”

“hey,” you pout, glaring at him with your hands planted at your hips, “that’s rude.” it’s cute. suguru stares at you with amusement in his eyes and a soft look on his face that you don’t think you’ve really seen in years. 

“humor me,” he hums, “just get in, okay?”

so you do. 

with a huff and a grumble under your breath, you fight back a smile and climb into the damn cart just like old times. you swallow and try not to let it get to you when he reaches over and pokes the tip of your nose and pushes the cart around, letting you name off the things you need from your list while he grabs them. and when he sneaks snacks into the pile, you roll your eyes and glare at him in the way you always did—the one that isn’t actually annoyed. fond. happy to let it slide because it’s him.

“we need candy,” you murmur, “that’s the last thing on the list.”

“okay. what kind?” he asks, turning the cart into the candy aisle and smiling softly down at you.

“doesn’t matter, satoru eats anything as long as it’s sweet. he’s more likely to die from sugar than fighting a curse, i think.”

“you buy candy for satoru?” he asks, making you shrug as you reach over and grab a few bags of candy off the shelves, setting them down beside you. 

“he comes over a lot so i learned to keep stuff stocked up for him. you know how he gets when he’s hungry.”

suguru feels something he hasn’t felt since he was a teenager. jealousy—specifically of satoru. 

suguru is not foolish. he knows as soon as he meets gojo satoru that of the two, one of them is stronger and it’s definitely not himself. for the longest time, he’s okay with that, okay being the strongest only when alongside satoru—until he’s not. and even if suguru always had a bit more attention in the romance department than satoru, in his head he’s always known that perhaps satoru can keep you safer, more well off, maybe even happier. with smooth smiles and eyes as welcoming as an oasis, gojo satoru would never leave you in the dark pit of misery as suguru once had. 

something about the thought of you and satoru keeping each other company through the lonely years, filling that empty spot suguru left behind, sharing moments over candy and empty wrappers makes suguru wonder for a moment if perhaps he’d be happier if he stayed. maybe he could have worn a heartfelt smile in a world that carves them off the faces of sorcerers with bloody knives as long as you were there to wipe the blood.  

but before he can dwell on it, you snatch one more bag—this time of his favorite candy, placing it into the cart and grinning gently up at him. 

“i haven’t bought this one in years,” you admit, “i almost forget how it tastes.”

“me too,” he says quietly.

“well,” you hum, “we’ll have to have some when we’re home.”

home. you say it as though it belongs to him as much as it does you, and then like you always have, without even meaning to, you wash away the dark stains of his jealousy with no trace left behind.

“yeah,” he chuckles, “we—”

“daddy, look! candy!” suguru is cut off by the gentle pitter-patter of two tiny feet running into the aisle, pointing at a bag of candy as a man follows close behind. 

his breath hitches. 

she’s small, the girl—she has two pigtails with soft strands of blonde hair falling out of the loosely tied bands. it reminds suguru of the first time he perfected tying up nanako’s hair, the soft giggles behind her tiny hand as she twirled in the mirror. 

there’s another girl in the man’s arms—dark hair on her head as she curls into her father’s chest and tucks her head into his neck when she sees you and suguru in the aisle. she’s shy, he realizes, like mimiko, and suddenly he remembers the tiny fingers that used to hook into his pants when she got too overwhelmed by the people around her, waiting for suguru to scoop her into his arms. 

perhaps in another life, suguru would redo everything differently—he’d be happy with you and satoru and shoko, and nanami and haibara would be there too, well and alive. but no matter what, he’d never redo nanako and mimiko differently. he’d never change a thing about them, not even the way nanako whines too much about small things or the way mimiko never speaks up even when something is clearly bothering her. he’d never change the way he saved them and took them in at the tender age of eighteen, too lost to be a father but choosing to raise them anyway. he’d never change the feeling of pure joy and unbridled pride when they climbed into his bed for the first time, shushing each other so as not to wake him—even though he’d awoken as soon as the door to his room opened. 

because he realized that night that yeah, maybe he’d made mistakes in his lifetime, lots of them too. maybe he’d made a bad choice choosing the path he did, or maybe he didn’t. he’s never been completely sure—just that he had to try at least to make his vision for a different world come to life. but one mistake he never made was his girls. one thing he was always sure about was the soft clutch at his pants and the tiny hands reaching for his own.

suguru wouldn’t change anything about nanako and mimiko—except maybe the fact that they aren’t here, gone because of him. 

“suguru?” you ask softly, reaching for his hand as he grips the cart tightly and pulling his gaze away from the family in the distance. 

he blinks, meets your eyes, and knows that you know. with one glance at your face, he knows you understand. the world is cruel, one filled with suffering, he thinks. but then he remembers what you said, that every world is full of suffering, not just his—that it’s a truth he has to come face to face with.

but it’s hard. it’s hard when this man has his two little girls and suguru does not—it’s hard to watch someone have what he wants with no worries of losing it, all because of people and their own weaknesses. he thinks for a moment that he’s been right all along—that non-sorcerers are too weak for this life, that the jujutsu world has always suffered so they don’t have to. 

but then the man speaks up, catching both of your attention. 

“your mother used to love those,” he says quietly to his daughter, a pained smile on his face. instantly, you and suguru both seem to understand the weight of that single sentence. 

every world has its own pain, suguru realizes. its own cruelties and unfairness, its own way of bringing suffering in its wake as it rips away the things closest to you from your begging fingertips, leaving them cold and empty and numb from the lost weight underneath them. 

“let’s go, suguru,” you whisper, “we have everything we came for.”

“yeah,” he whispers back, clearing his throat so his voice doesn’t crack, “let’s go.”

suguru leaves the grocery store with you after you pay, and for a brief moment, he’s unsure. unsure whether he’s grateful to satoru for fighting for him to be able to come and grateful to you for dragging him along, or if he wishes he died along with the rubble, gone before you could find him and turn him into this.

“before you even think about hiding away in your room,” you say, grabbing the bags from the cart as you put it back where it belongs, “you have to help with putting away the groceries.”

“sure,” he says smoothly. he grabs all the heavy bags from your hand, and you make a move to protest that you don’t need him to take the heavier ones, that you’re fine and can handle them like you’ve always handled them. 

but he walks off, and finally, you decide to simply follow.

————————————————

satoru likes to come and visit—you’ve started a routine movie night every week (unless he’s away, of course.) it’s fun, but it also means he makes your veins pop because he’s a headache like that—always makes himself right at home and eats your snacks like this is his place and not yours. he helps himself to your already limited candy and puts his sock-clad feet up on the coffee table no matter how many times you tell him not to. 

you try sitting with legs as long as these, he always whines, earning a harsh glare from you as you smack at his shins until he ultimately caves and begrudgingly sets his feet down. 

but then they always make their way back up to the coffee table, and you’re too busy enjoying his company to care—although you’ll never admit it. 

satoru is endearing like that, swallowing the dark clouds from your shoulders whole and eating up your burdens with that side of responsibility that you don’t think you could ever stomach. satoru is just like that, you realize, taking the brunt of the weight and laughing off every concern until you can’t help but not take them seriously yourself. 

it’s hard to remember that sometimes you didn’t just lose suguru, the love of your life, that night. everyone lost something. shoko lost someone to smoke with, yaga lost a student to scold, nanami lost a headache to avoid, and satoru?

well…satoru lost what you think might’ve been the only filled void of his miserably empty life. 

it’s hard to remember that satoru lost his best friend—the only best friend he’s ever had (although you like to think of yourself as a close contender)—because he’s so good at letting you forget. he brings you ice cream (that he eats half of because it’s only fair he gets a share), and he sits and hogs your couch (that he argues you don’t really need as much space as him on because your legs aren’t as long), and he watches those stupid sitcoms that are dry with boring jokes (that you used to make suguru watch back in the day).

it’s hard to remember that satoru also lost as much as you because he’s so damn good at making you forget about your own loss, you don’t care to think about anyone else’s for a while. just a short while. just until he’s yawning that obnoxiously loud yawn and stretching those awkwardly long limbs of his before he claims he really should go and that being the world’s best teacher requires as many hours of beauty sleep as you can squeeze in. 

and then he’s off. and it’s empty again. and just like that, you’re reminded of why he was there in the first place—to fill in that sick and painful void that geto suguru left in you. 

it’s gaping, like he tore a chunk of you right out with sharp teeth, like you’re just a piece of meat for him to get his fill of. if suguru really loved you, would you be so easy to let go of? why couldn’t he smile? because you could—god, you could smile just from the sight of him alone, you realize a long time ago. him with his cigarette tucked between his lips, those death sticks as you called them, hung loosely from his mouth as he gives you a lopsided grin. 

geto suguru is enough of a reason to smile. the world could crumble at your feet and leave you with nothing but rubble and dirt, and still, suguru is the core of the earth you’re searching for. 

so why couldn’t you be the same? what is it you were missing? what about you was just not enough for him like the way he was enough for you? 

it dawns on you one night, through bitter tears and shaky sobs, and that sick, twisted, pleading feeling in your gut that begs the wind to carry him back to you—geto suguru has never loved you the way you loved him.

and for that, you can never forgive him, you don’t think.

“you tryin’ to go bug-eyed?” he asks, settling down on the couch next to you, making you snap out of your trance. you shake your head a little, stare back at him for a moment before putting on that look on your face where you roll your eyes and pretend everything is fine.

“no,” you huff, “i’m just thinking.”

“about…?”

“satoru has rarely ever missed a movie night.”

“maybe he’s sick of you,” he shrugs, grinning slyly at you as you narrow your eyes with a glare, “there’s someone here to keep you company now so he’s probably taken his opportunity to run.”

“you’re hardly company,” you scoff, “freeloader.”

“hey,” he defends, shrugging as if it’s not his fault. you suppose it’s not. “i didn’t ask to be rescued. you can’t be high and mighty and petty. ‘s not how that works.”

“says who? you don’t make the rules. i can be graciously kind and a jerk all at once.”

“complexity,” he nods, “i like it.”

“i’m not as complicated as you might think,” you grumble, crossing your arms as you stare at the time. yeah, satoru isn’t making it—which, he told you as much, but he’s strolled in at the last second too many times to count before. you figure today would be the same. “as long as you don’t skip movie nights with me, i’m pretty simple to keep appeased.”

“alright,” he props his feet up on the coffee table—seriously, what is it with asshole men putting their feet on your table? satoru is a terrible influence. “let’s have a movie night.”

“what?” you blink.

“movie night,” he repeats, “you said you don’t like skipping movie night—”

“well, i meant i don’t like satoru skipping movie—”

“well, it was me before satoru, wasn’t it?” he says with a smile. his eyes are closed, crinkled at the corners, but his voice is carefully neutral—like he takes extra care not to let you see any emotion behind it. 

but that only means there is an emotion, isn’t there? is he jealous? does he hate the fact that you and satoru have a routine of your own without him? that you don’t need him to continue living your life? 

good. he should be. he walked out on you all those years ago. he killed a village. killed his parents. you never even got to meet them—he never even got to take you home and introduce you to them before he ripped away every fantasy you ever had with him. 

and now he’s back—he has the audacity to live, to laugh in your face with his existence that yes, geto suguru is here. and he was supposed to be executed, but your stubborn friend didn’t let that happen. he was supposed to be your husband by now with kids and a happy little home, and you were supposed to be his parent’s new addition to their family that they loved so much. but none of that is even close to happening, and it’s suguru’s fault, and the least he can do is show you some regret and maybe feel just the slightest bit bad that you now have to watch shitty movies with his best friend instead of him to feel normal. 

ex-best friend? half best friend? you don’t even know—do they still consider each other their best friends? does anyone consider suguru anything? you don’t know what you consider him. but you think the least he can do is act just the slightest bit pathetic after making you feel so pathetic for so long just to even the score. 

he should be a stranger. he feels like an old friend. but either is dangerous. 

“alright,” you sigh, “let's bring back movie night. don’t fall asleep.”

“i get plenty of sleep nowadays,” he hums, “i have more than enough free time for that now.”

“how lucky of you,” you snort. 

—

picking a movie with suguru is difficult. he actually has standards—satoru watches anything so long as he gets snacks, and he can make anything fun to watch with the way he comments from the side like a critic. suguru, on the other hand, actually cares about the quality of a movie, the metrics that make it good. 

so you pick the hunger games just to piss him off. 

“seriously?” he raises a brow, “this is your pick?”

“yes,” you grin, “i like these movies.”

“of all movies—”

“my house, my rules,” you grin cheekily, “you can pick the movies as soon as you start paying the bills.”

“wow,” he deadpans, “stooping to use my financial status against me? i thought you were better than this.”

“oh suguru,” you sigh dramatically, grabbing a bag of chips from the table, “you don’t know me at all.”

all things considered, you think it’s a rather enjoyable experience. it’s not as fun without satoru’s stupid comments that you pretend to hate, but suguru provides his own commentary that earns a giggle out of you here and there too—although his are not meant to be funny. but that’s the appeal of it, you think. 

“she should have picked gale,” he mumbles. you raise a brow.

“peeta was always there for her, did you miss the rain scene?”

“so was gale,” he says smoothly, grabbing a chip from your bag and making you scowl.

“gale killed her sister,” you point out, “and a lot of other people too. he was ruthless. she needed peeta.”

“gale did what he had to do,” suguru mumbles. 

suddenly, it doesn’t really feel like you’re discussing the movie anymore. it feels more than that. it feels sickening—the air is heavy, and your throat is dry and god, you just wanted a movie night and not this heaviness as you talk about stuff from the past without actually talking about it. 

you blink before turning to your chips, playing around with the bag as you shrug. 

“in the end he didn’t get katniss, did he?”

suguru studies you for a moment, stares a little too deep into you that you start to feel the urge to bolt to your room and go to bed. 

“guess not,” he says quietly, “guess that’s the one regret he has, huh?”

you think for a second, as suguru stares at your eyes with something you can’t quite read, that you might cry. you might cry and throw that half-empty can of soda in his face for speaking in codes and making you question what he means and remember your past. you might cry because suguru could’ve always gotten you—in fact, he had you.

it’s not fair. nothing is, but you can’t help but dwell on it.

“i’m going to bed. it’s late,” you mumble after a few moments, standing. he only nods, staring at the tv as the credits roll. when you make it to your room and the door shuts behind you, you debate clicking the lock in place. 

in the end, you don’t lock the door. suguru climbs into bed with you once more later that night, shaking slightly from his nightmare but calmer than usual. he’s still gone by the time morning comes, and you still never mention it.

it hits you one night that maybe he still has you—maybe you never let him stop having you, no matter what you say.

————————————————

suguru is good at cleaning while you’re away. you have to go out and do adult things like breadwinning and grocery shopping and bill paying. he dusts and cleans and even takes out the trash when you’re home to monitor him as he steps two feet out of your front door. sometimes, because you like to get on his nerves, you accidentally mess up a corner of the house just as he cleans it, laughing as he shoots you an unimpressed look. 

“stop getting crumbs on the floor,” he mumbles, “i just vacuumed.”

“you make a good malewife,” you giggle, “vacuuming and everything. how cute.”

“don’t call me that,” he grumbles, sitting down on the couch. 

“but you missed a spot,” you point to the crumbs you’ve sprinkled from your fingers as you snack away, making him glare. “failwife.”

“i’m going to divorce you and take everything,” he snaps, making you snort as you put your hands up in surrender.

“you don’t have to, you know,” you murmur, “clean, i mean. i can handle it.”

“i think i should carry my weight around here,” he shrugs, “since you are basically sugar babying me around for now.”

“dangerous curse user to the world, but sugar baby to me,” you tease, pulling a chuckle out of him as he rolls his eyes. 

sometimes it’s nice to have his company. suguru is good with banter like that, he’s not annoying like satoru where you run in circles. suguru makes you laugh from your belly, makes the hiccups catch in your throat as you double over. he’s always been like that, always known how to make laughter pour from your lips and trickle down your chin. it’s comforting to know he still knows how. it leaves a small amount of bitterness that he’s still able to make you feel like this. 

“by the way, next time you go shopping, take me with you,” he says casually, “i need to buy stuff for my hair. it’s growing.”

“you’ll finally see the sun just for your hair?” you gasp, “who knew that’s all it’d take?”

despite the playfulness in your words, there’s still shock. suguru is willingly stepping foot outside your house. he’s finally choosing to return to life after living like a recluse no matter how many times you and satoru have tried to beg him to get up and go somewhere. the most you can get out of him is a walk around the neighborhood before he goes back to wandering your home and hiding away in his room. 

suguru is returning to life, his life, and you can’t help but wonder where that leaves room for you.

“my hair is my charm,” he reasons, “wouldn’t you agree?”

there’s a smirk on his lips when he asks—it’s like he’s seventeen and teasing you again, giving you that unfairly flirty smile that used to make you stutter as a kid. back when you were hopelessly in love. back when it was you, suguru, and the world in your corner. back when you had dreams of your future, practically giggling as you planned it away in a notebook. 

suguru was always perfect like that, the kind of guy you could only dream about. he’s always been handsome—he’s always been the center of attention everywhere you went. you used to huff about it, about all the attention he managed to get from walking into a room alone. but then he’d smile, give you that tender look of his as he’d chuckle, and you’d be hopeless again. 

he shouldn’t have that effect on you anymore after over a decade. but he does. it’s cruel, the way the universe works. it’s like there’s a magnet that pushes you together no matter how far you try to go, still pulled by gravity straight into his awaiting eyes and devilish smile.

“i cut your hair off once, i can do it again,” you huff. he laughs, it’s good-natured and kind. 

“i was a bit heartbroken when i realized it was so short, i have to admit,” he says, “i didn’t look like me.”

“you looked good,” you say quietly, “i think you’d make anything work, to be honest.”

“yeah?” he grins, “any requests? i might consider it if it’s you.”

“oh shut up,” you roll your eyes, “how about shaving your head bald? let's see how much charm you have without all that hair.”

“i could charm you without the hair still, couldn’t i?” he winks. 

it’s unfair how he acts like normal. like a few months in your home undoes everything he’s ever committed, all the atrocities he’s caused. the way he flirts with you feels like you’re his again. the way he’s aged and changed feels like you’re meeting someone new. you don’t understand how suguru is so natural with that—with seamlessly falling back into a rhythm with you like nothing has changed at all.

deep down, you know that suguru is just moving on with his life. he’s making the most of what he can. he can’t die, satoru would never let him have a peaceful death after all this. he can’t go back to the way things used to be, whether that’s his sorcery days or his curse user days, and he certainly can’t start over. so he’s making do with what he has—which is very little in reality.

it’s you, your home, and the biweekly visits from satoru and occasionally shoko. so he weaves you seamlessly into his life and treats you with a sense of normalcy you can’t hope to treat him with. maybe it’s because suguru was actually able to move on after he left. 

it’s the part you hated him most for. for building a family with new people. for having two girls that he raised as daughters. for finding people to follow him and trust. suguru, after he walked away from everything he ever knew, actually did something with his life—even if it could hardly be considered good. 

you? you fell deeper and deeper into a pit of denial until clawing your way back out was too impossible, until you had to leave behind everything you’ve ever known to get away from the remnants of his existence. 

it’s easy for him to weave you back into his life because he chose to cut you loose. it feels damn near impossible to let him weave back into yours after he tore himself from the edges and frayed away. 

“don’t do that,” you sigh, making him frown.

“do what?”

“you know what, suguru,” you pinch your nose in frustration, “stop acting like things are normal.”

“things are definitely not normal,” he snorts bitterly, “i think needing your approval to take the trash out is not equal to normal.”

“then why are you acting like…” you trail off, unsure.

“like what?” he raises a brow. 

“like we never changed,” you slam your hands down on the couch in exasperation. 

he stares at you for a minute, blinks once, then twice, and then furrows his brows.

“well, of course we changed,” he mumbles in confusion, “i know that—”

you shouldn’t have said anything. you quickly realize that. suguru is not trying to act like things are normal—he’s trying to be civil, and you’re just a fool. a fool who looks too deeply into everything and assumes what you want to out of things and god, you’ve embarrassed yourself in front of your one and only ex-boyfriend in over a decade who was once dead and somehow came back to the land of the living.

of course, he knows things are not the same. he doesn’t want what you think he does. it’s been years and suguru has moved on—he had already moved on all those years ago, and you’re the only one here that is still focused on the past. and now he knows it too. 

you stand before he can finish, nodding as you stare down instead of meeting his eyes, pretending to adjust your clothes. 

“right, of course you do,” you nod, “i don’t know why i said that. just ignore me, i’ll be going to my room now. i have…things to do, so i’ll be—”

“hang on,” he frowns, hand grabbing your wrist, “i don’t mean it like that,” he says gently.

fuck geto suguru for being so confusing and fuck him for being nice about it too. 

“you can let go, suguru,” you pull at your wrist, “forget what i said, i wasn’t thinking—”

“i still feel the same,” he cuts you off, making your eyes widen, “if that’s what you mean. i never stopped.”

never stopped—that’s almost worse than moving on. how could he have felt the same all those years and still never come back?

“that does not help even a little,” you swallow the lump in your throat. “that makes this so much worse, do you see that?”

“i know,” he sighs, “i’m sor—”

“don’t say you’re sorry,” you grit your teeth, “we both know you’re not.”

“maybe not,” he admits, “i had to try. and that meant leaving—i’m sorry that’s not what you wanted.”

“it’s not!” you turn around, pulling your arm out of his grasp—suguru, for what it’s worth, takes the shove to his chest like a champ. “of course i didn’t want you to leave and kill a bunch of people and have an execution stamped on your forehead and live your life without me.”

“i know—”

“and now you’re back. back! in my house, eating my food and sleeping in my bed for half the night and i just have to act like this is normal. how is any of this normal?” 

“it’s not,” he agrees. he’s calm. so calm, it almost makes you mad. why is he so calm? “nothing about anything in our lives is normal. it never was.”

“you ruined my life,” you blink back tears. he smiles sadly, taking a step closer.

“i guess i can take the blame for that,” he nods, hands finding their way to your hips. against your better judgment, you lean half your weight against his body. this is bad, very bad—but it’s also the best thing ever. 

being close to suguru feels like the sun’s heat tearing through your skin—it’s warm. it’s pleasant. it leaves you parched and drained with a dry throat. but still, you need it to survive. 

“why did you come back?” you ask tiredly. his hand finds the small of your back, rubbing slow circles.

“i don’t know,” he hums, “i didn’t really get a say. maybe i was always meant to, who knows?”

you look at him at that—tilt your head to get a good look at his features. his eyes are more tired, and his cheeks are a bit more sunken in compared to the youthful flesh you remember him with. his hair isn’t as healthy, and his forehead has the slightest traces of pale marks from the scars. but he’s still suguru—and you have always loved suguru, even if he gives you every reason to hate him.

“you make my life unreasonably difficult,” you mutter.

he hums, smiling. “can i?” he asks breathlessly, pleadingly. you stare at his eyes, he stares at your lips. you know what he wants—but fuck, you can’t let him have it so easy. 

“can you what?” you ask, raising a brow slowly.

“are you really gonna make me say it?” he grunts, lips almost curled into a pout. it’s cute, the way he looks longingly at your lips—it’s so cute and beautiful and dangerous all at once, just like suguru. 

“yes,” you say, “yes i am. i deserve to hear it suguru, after everything you put me through. you…you left me. i wasn’t enough for you. i mourned you. i grieved a body i never even saw. do you know what that does to a person? to lose them not once but two times? the least you could do is tell me what you want,” your voice wavers just a little. 

it shakes for the lost time. for the moments you’ll never have. for the memories you lost. for the past that’s tainted. time is cruel like that. but that’s the beauty of it all—the fragility. it’s like sand falling through the cracks of your fingers, every grain slipping from your reach but still soft and soothing against your skin as it falls. everything fades over time, everything starts to hurt one way or another. but it stops. it heals. it starts over. the sand fills the cup of your palms again, warm and delicate and just as beautiful as before it crumbled. 

“can i kiss you?” he asks desperately, “please?”

“kissing me is not a temporary thing,” you shake your head, “not anymore. it’s for good. only for good.”

“i want to kiss you for good,” he nods, hands digging into your hips impatiently. you’re close. you’re too far. he can feel you, smell you, hear your unsteady breaths. but it’s not enough. he needs to devour you, taste you on his tongue, and melt you with his touch. “i won’t stop this time,” he promises. 

“you better not,” you sniffle, tears blurring your vision. you hated suguru for leaving you. you hated him for coming back to you like this. you never stopped loving him, never will stop loving him—and maybe that’s what love is. when the darkness is worth trekking through for the afterglow of the light. “if you fucking leave me again, you’re dead to me. i don’t care how many times you come back to life. you’re dead to me.”

“okay,” he agrees through a shaky chuckle, “i suppose i deserve that. let me kiss you, yeah?”

“yeah,” you breathe.

he kisses you—years too late, he kisses you. it feels like you’re teenagers again. it feels different and foreign. you know this feeling like the back of your hand. you don’t understand what this sensation is anymore. it’s new. it’s old. it’s perfect. it hurts. suguru is here. he promised not to leave—you don’t know if you believe him, but you’re going to trust that finally, for once, you are enough. 

you’re enough to make him happy. to give him a sense of purpose. to keep him swimming when his limbs start to sink. 

finally, for once, you’re enough. 

“i love you,” he whispers against your mouth, breathing the words into you like he’s offering you the air from his lungs, “i never stopped. i promise.”

“you don’t deserve to hear it from me,” you murmur back, panting against his lips, “not yet.”

“fair enough,” he chuckles, “you sure know how to leave a guy waiting.”

“i learned from the best,” you shoot back.

he grins—suguru smiles, heartfelt and real. life is full of misery, it’s painful, and nothing fucking makes sense. everything is cruel. everything dies no matter how carefully you water the roots. there’s always something, someone, ready to tear it from the earth. but if you keep planting the seeds, suguru will keep watering. 

maybe something kind can bloom from that, something big enough for him to hide under the shade when the scorching heat of tragedy becomes too much. 

in this world or in the jujutsu world; in this life or in the next. suguru is yours.

“why am i here?” he asks gently, his face digging into your neck. you hold him, cradling the back of his head as you hum. 

“because i need you here. will you stay?”

“yes,” he murmurs, “i think i’ll stay.”

hi. i have been working on this since march. its still not how i envisioned it to be originally but that's okay. i had fun writing it and it means a lot to me even tho its kind of. well....cliche LMAO like everything i write. but. i enjoy the cliches okay ?? i do. kxljchskdf hope u guys didn't hate it </3

also the fic banner is …. not the greatest. just ignore it ok

[louandhazaf]

ANNUAL WRITING SELF EVALUATION 2023

List of works published this year:

Wanted: Dog Walker // Louis needs a dog walker. / Harry answers the ad. A Social Construct // Five times Harry and Louis try to lose their virginity and one time they finally do.

Tongue Tied // Louis’ new bestie placed a hand on his shoulder; he turned with a sway and looked into his blue eyes. ”What do you wish?” / The world spun for a moment, and Louis shrugged. It was easy. The only thing he wanted. “I wish that I could tell Harry that I love him, instead of getting all tongue tied and chickening out.” / The Irishman winked. “You never know, your wish may just come true.” / “From your lips to God’s ears, mate.” He gave the man a hug. “I gotta go before my Uber leaves me.” / He stumbled to the door, and that was the last thing he remembered from the night. ‘tis the damn season // Harry returns to her small hometown over the holiday season and starts to think about the road not taken.

Work you are most proud of (and why): ‘tis the damn season because I have always said that there was absolutely no way I could write an advent fic day by day. And yet, when Nov 30th came around and I only had two chapters, my fomo won over my fear of failure and I thought I’d give it a try, because the worst that would happen is that I wouldn’t finish it, which would’ve been fine! But then with the help of everyone who read along, I actually did it! 

A favorite excerpt of your writing: unlike most years, when I quickly scrolled through my works, nothing specific jumped out, so I’ll just say that I really liked how ch 6 rolled into ch 7 in ‘tis the damn season! 

Share or describe a favorite review you received: literally every single one.

A time when writing was really, really hard: oh boy. Okay. so if you go back and read my 2022 recap, and 2021, you’ll see that writing has consistently been hard for me for a few years. So, this year I told myself not to worry about it, that I could not write a single thing and not feel bad about it. I didn’t do a ton of writing this year, but having the internal pressure off sure helped. Even though I really miss the way it used to be. 

A scene or character you wrote that surprised you: I’ll say Zayn in ‘tis the damn season, because I didn’t have a role for her when I started, and I really liked her as minor threat slash Louis’ bff and sometimes hookup. I want someone to write a story in her pov. lmaoooo How did you grow as a writer this year: I really tried to get rid of my perfectionist tendencies and tried to write without putting pressure on myself. 

How do you hope to grow next year: i dont even know, tbh. I’ll be very happy if I match my 2023 fic count. 

Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc): I adore everything that @disgruntledkittenface put out this year. The way she keeps pushing herself is really inspiring.

Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year: ummm, I guess the ‘moving back home thing’... idk. Nothing i wrote this year hit particularly close to home. 

Any new wisdom you can share with other writers: i love you. please keep going!

Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year: what I would give to be able to write the next installment of Swallow My Words. Thank you so much to @kingsofeverything @allwaswell16 @lululawrence and @haztobegood for tagging me! @phdmama want to join in the fun? @disgruntledkittenface did i miss yours? anyone else??? (also, here’re my responses from 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022)

[theemporium]

4 and can you tell us a bit about the plot/pairings? love ya

4. How many WIPs do you have right now?

well i have seventeen wips that i am like...actively writing? if that makes sense? i am gonna put a wee read more so i don't clog up people's dash

formula one:

daniel x sunshine timeline: this is just a oneshot that explores the journey of their relationship and the most important moments that led to their relationship, including daniel almost retiring and sunshine being the one to help him find his love for racing before they even start dating

max and trouble's five stages: it's a oneshot that is split into the five stages of their relationship developing including their meeting, the pining, the acceptance, the confessing and the falling

lando x angel origin: it's the intro one shot into the angelverse that explores how lando found out about her camgirl job and how it led to them confessing their feelings (set before the angst of her job being revealed to the general public)

carlos x butterfly 5+1: it's a really bittersweet comfort fic on the five times over the relationship where carlos stood up for butterfly and the one time she really realises her own self-worth and stands up for herself

charles x blitz fwb: just a smut oneshot that starts their story with the friends with benefits dynamic because they are stupid and in denial

sugar daddy charles: this is the plot i spoke about ages ago where he needs someone to make his image look good and she needs money to pay for uni so they meet through a website. but of course they fall in love!

oscar x sainz!reader: this follows the story of how carlos' younger sister ends up in an enemies with benefits dynamic with the one driver that irritates her brother to no end. oscar always thinks she's a brat too but they come to realise how wrong they both are about each other

lando x piastri!reader: this is also the lando x black cat fic where he meets oscar's sister at the silverstone gp and becomes obsessed even if she doesn't seem so taken. based off 'english love affair' by 5sos

lestappen soulmate au: this is the fic where lestappen find out they are soulmates when they are young in karting but j*s verstappen and internalised homophobia keeps them apart. but there is a glitch and they have a third soulmate who is the reader, a famous singer they meet during a grand prix. it's how she helps bridge the gap formed between the two boys over the years and is quite max focused, showing his journey to accept the love his dad convinced him he didn't deserve from both his partners

lestappen x vettel!reader: this follows charles and reader dealing with the heartbreak when their partner (pierre) publicly cheats on them. max ends up being the friend that grounds them and slowly they all fall in love, but of course they act stupid about it and sebastian is a very tired father

charles heather fic: this is the fic based off 'heather' by conan gray. it follows charles pining after his teammate who is always falling in love with men who don't deserve her. and he doesn't understand how the whole world loves him except the one girl he actually wants

nhl:

quinn x luke's bff!reader part two: this is a follow up from the original one shot, except it goes into how everyone finds out about the couple. luke is obviously the last one to find out but i think it's pretty fun that trevor ends up accidentally being the first

brat tamer nico: a smut fic that is based around nico closing off everyone so the reader pushing his buttons and being an absolute brat until he finally lets out the frustration he has been feeling over a disappointing season (but it's lowkey turning more sad than hot right now ngl)

nico x spanish love deception au: loosely based around the book but it follows nico being the reader's fake boyfriend/date to her friend's wedding where she knows her cheating ex is going to attend. overall, very cute and fluffy (and unfortunately, i did not finish it in time for valentines)

frat!nicojack: this is the fic where frat president nico definitely plays favourites and has a soft spot for new pledge jack. but it's fine because so does his girlfriend and all it takes is a few too many shots at a frat party celebrating their last win for all the feelings to come out and nico to fuck them both dumb

nico x medic!reader: in which an injury brings nico closer to the team medic who believes she isn't worth loving and is too difficult to love because of her past. instead, he shows her that her parents' mistakes do not reflect her and she is very easy to love if she lets him in

nico x writer!fic: this one is still (mostly) in the planning stages but follows an author who is experiencing a slump in her writing. who would have thought a six foot two swiss man would be the solution to her finding her inspo back? still to be decided whether it's set in jersey or in switzerland like a proper romcom moment

marauders:

hockey!james: just a wee fic of james falling head over heels for lily's roommate at uni. however, his way in ends up being a really odd deal where he helps her in bed after she has troubles finishing and she helps him with a class (but sike, he isn't failing but he needed an excuse to get closer to her without outwardly admitting his feelings and scaring her away)

[hismercytomyjustice]

Definitely DID NOT just finish editing this week's chapter.

That would be crazy. You're crazy.

...but I am very happy with it, and very curious what folks will think...

And also extremely sorry. ╭( ๐_๐)╮

As I believe I said before, I have good news and bad news.

Good news, I fixed the problem I was having with Cazador.

Bad news, I fixed the problem I was having with Cazador.

He came across as too...nice (?) in the first draft. No, maybe permissive is a better word?

...I certainly don't think he does anymore!

Blah blah more OCD shit under the cut.

This chapter literally sent me into a 2 month long spiral that ultimately made me realize how much my OCD fucks with my writing, fanfic and otherwise. Which is why I bring up my OCD so much in relation to this fic.

Only took me ten fucking years to realize it! (ᇂ_ᇂ |||) But hey, we got there eventually!

I felt so fucking stupid/embarrassed venting to my therapist about my struggles with voluntarily writing fanfic. It's the same way I felt venting to her about the agonies I initially experienced when I decided to start taking piano lessons. It's not life or death! I didn't have to do either of those things! And yet I was so fucking upset about both. And wouldn't ya know it, turns out both were like catnip for my OCD!

I won't even begin to pretend I don't still have issues with my OCD and my writing. One of my super fun writing related obsessions lately is the deep seated fear I've gone into a fugue state and accidentally plagiarized other fics I've read. This was particularly bad with my latest Night Vale fic and my Hazbin Part 3 fic.

So, what's a person with OCD to do? Reassurance seeking and checking, of course! As I explained to my BFF the other day:

So obviously I spent hours googling Night Vale fanons and skimming/searching through Night Vale and Hazbin fics and other fics I'd previously read to make sure I hadn't accidentally copied someone else!

FUN FACT! I've read over 100 Hazbin fanfics alone! FUN FACT, IT IS PROBABLY (thanks for the qualifier, OCD) LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO CHECK ALL OF THEM.

AND I AM ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT! That is MAJOR NO NO OCD behavior. It is a lapse. It is choosing to engage in a compulsion. Because, as they so succinctly put it at the OCD Conference I attended, a compulsion is a choice. The whole point of treatment for OCD is to quiet your obsessions and to learn how NOT to engage in your compulsions. OCD doesn't go away (unfortunately), but it can go into remission. Digging into a lapse/engaging in a compulsion ultimately pushes you closer to a relapse and further from remission.

But try telling that to yourself in the moment! Because my OCD thinks it is imperative to engage in the compulsion. Because otherwise I have to sit with the doubt/uncertainty/fear and try not to let it fester. It is so much easier in the short term to spend hours on checking and reassurance seeking. And, even worse, it makes you feel a little better in the moment!

But, as my friend so aptly said in the screenshot above, "something tells me you would just replace the thing you silenced with something new….."

Abso-fucking-lutely I would! And I did! I checked the fanons and fanfics I was most worried about, but I didn't check all of them! Even if I had, what if I thought I had and I missed one, the one that I actually may have accidentally copied? Or what if AO3's reading history isn't perfect and I checked everything and it left one off, the one that I actually may have accidentally copied?

To engage in a compulsion is to become the OCD equivalent of Sisyphus. Did you get the boulder to the top of the hill? Congratulations! Oops, looks like it rolled back down again... But this time it'll stay at the top of the hill for sure!

Right??? Right???

I did ultimately realize I was in an OCD spiral and made myself stop checking. Do I still want to? Absolutely I do! I want nothing more than to go through everything I've ever read with a fine tooth comb because otherwise I have to live with the doubt/fear/uncertainty. I have to accept I may have unintentionally been influenced by someone's work I read and loved, which would absolutely fucking devastate me because I would never do that kind of thing on purpose. It's against everything I believe in. It's cruel and it's wrong and oh god what if I did it accidentally and I'm cruel and wrong and a horrible fucking person?! This is it! This is when me and everyone else finally finds out I'm a horrible fucking person who can't write and whose only good ideas actually came from someone else!

My therapist would say something at this point like "But what if you didn't do that? What if you actually did come up with your ideas all on your own?" Or "It's possible. Anything is possible. That doesn't mean it's likely." Or "Even if you did, it's obviously not something you'd do on purpose."

Meanwhile my OCD brain is just like "We have to come up with contingencies for if you accidentally did do it and how you'll respond and fix it." And "It's just a matter of time before someone else finds what you missed when checking. What are you going to do then?" And "If it did happen, you'll have to give up writing forever and destroy your tumblr and forever hide from the justified mob consisting of the entire internet who will rightfully hunt you to the ends of the earth."

So, yeah. Needless to say, I STILL DESPERATELY WANT TO GO BACK TO CHECKING AND REASSURANCE SEEKING. But I'm going to try not to. And thank goodness I have therapy tomorrow because this shit has been living rent free in my head (in the bad way) for literal weeks now.

I keep trying to remind myself I can either continue compulsing or I can just keep fucking writing and hope for the best.

And yeah, my therapist did mention last session that I should probably ask my doctor about upping my antidepressants. Why do you ask?

Fuck it is mortifying to write all this shit out. And, ngl, my OCD is just like "Well, at least you have timestamped proof you didn't plagiarize anyone on purpose! But, y'know, no one will believe you anyway when they ultimately find the evidence you couldn't and confront you and run you out of internet town!"

...so yeah, I scheduled an appointment with my doctor for later this week to talk about upping my antidepressants... Because goodness gracious. It's not just about this. I'm still struggling with burnout (and maybe a resurgence of depression) and OCD in other areas of my life. It just so happens this latest spiral has been taking up a lot of real estate in my head lately.

[kindheartedgummybears]

Small(?) update on the Du'met!Erin au.

ok, so it's been what? a month since TDiM community chose the Du'met and Erin role/character swap AU and the bad news is: No, I haven't started writing it yet(disappointing I know and I am so sorry I have never written anything before so I will be slow with it :') BUUUT I do have some information about it! the brain has been storming the past month!

Ok, so first of all I would like to clear up some things before people start to question it.

1(and probably the most important at least imo): With Erin and Hector being swapped I would like to clear up that Jamie and Hector are NOT LOVE INTERESTS!!!! They are BFFs instead and Jamie's room scene will be slightly different and not at all romantic(at least between Jamie and Hector). And now that I'm writing that I feel like that was probably obvious since I did put it in a JERIN fic poll but JUST IN CASE.

2: The whole Manny Sherman and Hector being in the FBI thing will be sliiiightly different. Without giving too much away, Hector was still in the FBI and worked on the Sherman case but was able to catch himself before Sherman brainwashed him basically and resigned shortly after. However~ This time he had a partner investigating the Sherman case with him and let's just say maybe taking the tapes home with you (illegally btw) and stuffing them in your attic for someone to possibly find later on wasn't a good idea...

3: Erin still has asthma. That doesn't change and it actually has plot relevance.

So yeah! that's the "clear ups" if you can call them that?

now, time for plot stuff

ok so basically, for plot reasons I am swapping Charlie and Jamie's placements in the story, and by that I mean, Jamie falls down the trap door instead of Charlie in the freezer and she goes through most of the stuff he goes through in the actual game and vice versa with Charlie and what Jamie goes through, and I am debating if I should do the same with Mark and Kate. There's no reason to do that really, but I think it would be fun!

I am also now realizing(not really now I have thought about it for like 2 weeks) that with position swaps also means death swaps👀👀👀👀

also just some fun facts about this au ig?:

Hector and Kate PTSD twins😍✌️

Erin and Hector do maintain their canon personality to an extent with some parts of their personality obviously swapped.

Yes, Erin having asthma does take a blow on the crew's egos.

---- Oh! and if I may give you a littlleeee sneak peek of what is to come, without any context:

OMFG ERIN HOW ARE YOU NOT DEAD HALF OF YOUR FACE IS LITERALLY MANGLED AND BARELY HANGING ON TO YOUR SKULL-

:)

Also side note: I have been debating if I should do little one-shots for all of my Jerin AUs to give people a basic kind of plot or story for all of them. Obviously, I'm going to make and finish the Du'met!Erin au first before going into any of my other AUs for them. Some of them (HoA AU and Ultimatum) won't be getting one-shots since they are one-shots in and of themselves, but my other AUs(Like the 1980s murder wives, Deadpool x Spiderman, and my many(by many I mean 4 XD) werewolf AUs. Oh! And by the way, I forgot to mention that the Vampire x Werewolf AU is also an 1800s AU I know I should have included that in the poll but I completely forgot :')) That have actual storylines and plots to them that would be more than a simple one-shot. Like for the murder wives, I have an idea for a one-shot that is kind of like a prequel to the actual fic.

Please let me know if you'd like for me to make little one-shots for them first! Also sorry if this is a hard read grammar is not a very good skill of mine and I'm from the South so my English is kind of broken to begin with XD

[neverlearnedtoread]

The Dragon Republic

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐; rin making bad decisions like they’re going on sale at the market, arms full of regrets, guilt, mistakes, and self-destructive coping mechanisms: i can fit in one more

Oh?? 👌😉😏

rf kuang gave us an unflinching exploration on the cycles of violence and oppression, dissected the ever-escalating chain of vengeance, and the good good of eastern-inspired mythology?? like ma’am.....the good food im eating at your feast.....ive been so hungry

the lore deserves its own point. it was so effortlessly woven into the story, especially the way it tied into certain characters’ backstories. i can’t say much more because spoilers but if you like integrated worldbuilding and you like chinese-inspired magic systems get over here!!

the friendships. namely rin 🤝 kitay. miss kuang you know what really matters, and its not 10398 handsome men, its one ride-or-die bff holding you back or yeeting you into the midst of battle as needed

grimdark, but not oppressively depressing? im not sure how to describe it..the story gives you enough adrenaline to power through with the sheer speed of reading to find out what happens next, but doesn’t pull its punches. i think its partly that rin herself ploughs through the narrative like she’s trying to outrun the events, giving the reader the momentum to move with her

No.. ❌🤢🤮

i took a screenshot when my friend and i were planning to do a buddy read together. the trigger warnings took up an entire page. do not screw around with this. there’s no shame in tapping out for any book, but especially this one

some characters die, and i specifically blame rin for it. i mean there were a lot of other factors, but in the spirit of the phoenix herself i am choosing to close my eyes to the rationality of working through my feelings of grief in a healthy way and plunge straight into being pissed off about it, forever. *wipes tear* just like rin taught me

did suffer from a bit of middle book syndrome, at least to me. i mean, i finished an 800~ page book in 8 hours of reading time, so maybe don’t believe me, but the first half of the book dragged more than i remember the poppy war did. i will admit a lot of that was because rin was in no position to be a rational, active protagonist. the narrative needed her to flounder, and she did.

Summary: Rin goes unhinged 2: water dragon boogaloo (ive tried and tried to write an actual summary for this book but i don’t think i can top this throwaway line i wrote as a placeholder)

Concept: 💭💭💭💭💭 Where to start? There are historical influences, commentary on social issues and the impact of violence on communities both physical and otherwise, the slow and terrible descent of a beaten-down protagonist. Basically a checklist of stuff I like exploring in high fantasy settings!

This is the second book in a trilogy - spoilers ahead!

Execution: 💥💥💥💥 Rin doesn’t like politics, and I think that made the narrative drag a lot initially as the moving parts tried to be interesting but through Rin’s jaded lens were stripped of their veneer. Kuang was more than ambitious with her sophomore book, and I know that she was open about struggling with the pacing of TDR while she was writing it - still, I think there’s more than something to be said about shooting for the stars! I didn’t think any part of the book dropped the ball, but the nature of all the heavy topics it was trying to handle became a hefty meal to swallow

Personal Enjoyment: ❤❤❤❤ Like I said, I read this book over 3-ish days in 8 hours. The library copy I had said it was 800 pages. I felt as powerful as Rin when I finished. The first half was a little dead in the water (which is a pun, yes, how many damn times did someone fall into the water and nearly drown in this book?? smh) but nothing I couldn’t handle with a little exasperation at Rin’s...*gestures* mental landscape. But when we reached the lore about Su Daji, and the Trifecta, and their chosen gods....i broke into a flat-out sprint. I was naruto-running through the plot.

Favourite Moment: it’s a battle to the death between the scenes with the trifecta backstories and the rin 🤝 kitay scenes

Favourite Character: chaghan, because i loved his backstory so, so, so much....also I didn’t know that handholding scene in the mountains was like. canon. and not fanon. rin really looked homosexuality in the eye and said ‘huh?’ with her whole chest.

[blairsanne]

Writing Questions Tag Game:

Thanks for tagging me @residentdormouse ♥

What is your absolute all-time favorite idea you’ve ever had?

Um, so the two favourite ideas of mine are not things I can link you to because the first one, which is a faerie story about (among other characters) the fae prince of Winter, is a story I'm writing (I guess it's on hiatus) with my irl bff and it's not finished or available to the public. I don't know how much I should share tbh, but I love all the characters and the world we've built so much.

The other is just my special daydream OC character whose story I will never actually write because it's a mashup of various fandom lores and very complicated and while fun to daydream doesn't sound fun to write. She's a priestess who gets murdered on the altar of her world's gods by her bff and they revive her to kill him (he was a priest who took the power of the gods and then proceeded to basically demolish the world around him). She does so, but is essentially left alone in her world and becomes a guardian of sorts. Her role is to link herself to one person (anchor) in every one of the worlds/dimensions/realities that the collection of souls her gods watch over reincarnate into. She can call on power from the other realities to protect them from outside threats (basically, if the gods were creator beings, there are destroyer beings who want to devour the souls/realities). She ends up being kind of a tragic character though, since she's stuck between a bunch of "lives" so to speak and beholden to different people in different worlds but never able to settle down and be done. She keeps getting revived by the gods when she dies (with all her memories, instead of reincarnating), and she struggles with grief. Why is this my favourite idea? IDK but I keep thinking about it.

Is there a question you’ve been asked in the past that really stands out to you and you still think about sometimes?

Well one time someone on anon complained that I wrote a self-indulgent mary sue oc into my fanfic and asked "who asked for [that]". To which I replied that I did. Because, you know, I write shit for myself first. As a fun hobby. I'm in no way saying that I write anything great, and if you think my writing is cringe, like, okay, you're right? Die mad about it, I guess? Get a life? Idk. I'm just having fun playing pretend with these fictional worlds.

What is your favorite part of being a writer?

Re-reading finished things because I write the type of stories I like to read, so it's really satisfying to get to reread them later. Close second is when someone else likes what I've written, that's pretty cool. ♥

What parts could you take or leave?

The agony of the time between posting something online and that first bit of feedback on it. Now that I actually have people looking at my stuff there's a little bit of like "well I hope at least one person does end up reading and enjoying this" and like... if not then it feels like why bother posting it online? (Honestly I started posting my BWOC fic in 2013 just so my irl bff could read it. I started posting my newer fics on tumblr in 2021 just so I'd move on and finish the missing parts of the story I had been writing... which hasn't worked, in case anyone wondered haha.)

What is your greatest motivation to write/create?

I am constantly coming up with stories in my head. There's something about writing them down and crafting them into something I can read again later that lets me put them down, if that makes sense. Like a brain dump. I don't need to remember just how that scene went or why that was happening in this plot, because it's written down now. I can revisit it later if I like. Or never.

Second-biggest motivation is when I'm writing a fic with someone else in mind, like a request or gift, or for an event, or just something I know that one person in particular will like. In the hopes I contribute something good to their day. (Even if it's smut.)

What do you wish you knew when you were first starting out writing?

I've honestly been writing since I was a child, so I wish I could tell you. XD

What I would say to someone new to writing is this: You get better at every skill by doing it. So, if you want to write, you're better off writing a ton of stories, badly at first and reworking, refining, revising, etc. than to wait until you're "good enough" to write the story you want to write. You can always write a version two or twenty-five, months or years later. Done is better than perfect, and shitty-first-drafts are better than forgotten ideas.

What is your favorite story you’ve written TO COMPLETION? Link it if you’d like and can!

Probably Homecoming, a smut-fic for Bofur in the Durin's Garage AU. Mostly because I haven't written most of my stories to completion, but also I love that fic.

What is your favorite out-of-the-box quote?

"If anyone can do it, so can you."

Which of your characters would you say has the most controversial mindset? Why do you say so and how do you personally feel about their ideals?

In one of my original fiction stories, one of the characters is an emperor who is basically taking over the world bit by bit, and has zero remorse about it. He believes that nobody can love him (for good reason unrelated to his status/warring) and has decided not to love anyone or anything either. At one point, frustrated with how passive his stolen fiancee is, he orders his brother to strangle her to death in front of him and then gets mad at her when she doesn't fight back (he orders the brother to stop, it was just like... a test?). He's very aggressive and believes that everyone only looks out for themselves, etc. so he does the same. (So her passivity sort of challenges him in a way. It's complicated.) It think it's a very toxic but easy-to-fall into worldview when someone thinks that the world is cruel to them, to decide to be cruel back. That's probably the most controversial mindset of my OCs, but that's sort of the point. Obviously I think he's wrong, and eventually things happen to change him.

If you, when you first started writing, met you now, what would younger you think?

She'd probably be confused why we stopped doing forum-RPing and be completely amazed that a single stranger anywhere in the world had read and enjoyed something we wrote all on our own. Honestly I think little me would think I was pretty cool and living the dream. Maybe I should remind myself that more often.

I really value the community in fandom spaces, which I think is why fanfiction is so appealing. We all get to play with the same dolls in different ways and go "ah yes, that's a cool way you played" and learn from each other and grow, and it's all around a shared love of stories. Storytelling is how humans make sense of the world, and community is what makes life feel like it has meaning to me. So this is a pretty cool place to be.

No pressure tags: @laurfilijames @i-did-not-mean-to @i-am-still-bb @silvermoon-scrolls @sotwk @middleearthpixie @sketch-and-write-lover @enchantzz @lordoftherazzles and OPEN TAG to anyone who wants to do it. :)

[hxneydreamers]

Please be my bff! Hxneydreamer fan

Hi Honey, I love your blog so much I finished it within a week, I didn’t skip any of it, I even wanted to print all of them and make it a book, so I can read it over and over again, even though I’m already watching one coaches which is DJ, I have my top 3 which is Sammy, Kim and Dylan, but I am sticking with him. I’m on my journey of building my self-concept, I manifested quite a lot now and I’m so proud of myself, I’ve had my ups and down since I started manifesting, but this particular one and you can guess it it’s about my SP, I really believe that I manifested him, and we’ve been seeing each other for a year now, long story short there’s a ghost involved you know what I mean, I don’t want even want to say that word lol. So, I admitted and I am fully aware that I manifested all the non desires one, I cried and cried, and he chose the ghost (NO HE IS MINE AND I KNOW HE IS COMING BACK) I am back now doing self-love and self-concept. But I reacted so bad I told my family, I shouldn’t be even asking you this question but, my sisters already bad mouth him or said something not nice about him e.g. I will find someone, he is not deserving, and you know the lot. It will not ruin my manifestation correct if I stay on my mental diet and my routine for manifestation, e.g. affirming, and the techniques that I’m doing? I feel like I want to stay in touch with you, because on your blog it feels like I know you and you are actually talking to us, it feels like you’re so close, and that’s why I wanted to talk to you in private and maybe be my bff lol I manifested that now! ♥

************************************************************************

I'm not sure who submitted this, but if it was you, here is your answer!

Firstly, this is so sweet and I'm so touched. It means a lot to me that my blog resonated with you and that it helped you on your journey!

Secondly, everything you just said, I can 100% relate. I've been through it all, especially the reacting and having my family say all that stuff. "You'll find someone better", "he doesn't deserve you" etc.

My biggest tip is, as always, focus on your self-concept, but ALSO focus on your limiting beliefs in relation to your desire too.

For example, my biggest fears with my SP were 3P's and that he would always find someone he wanted more than me. Then I realised this fear stemmed from my own insecurities, so I affirm things like 'no one compares to me' and 'i am irreplaceable' and 'i am always chosen BECAUSE no one compares to me' etc. This targets both my self-concept, my fears of not being the one chosen, and my limiting belief that SP would want someone else over me.

I would prioritise affirming these things for your self-concept, and then if your SP and the 'ghost' comes to your mind, just shrug and affirm 'nah, no one compares to me, im so irreplaceable that there could never be anyone else. im unbeatable' then go back to affirming for your self-concept.

If after that you still keep thinking about the 'ghost', just be kind to yourself. It's not going to ruin anything. Simply affirm, 'ok, if there ever was anyone else, they already broke up, because no one compares to me and im so frustratingly unforgettable, unbeatable and irreplaceable that SP could not even think about being with anyone else. i'm THAT good'. Then go back to your affirmations.

Either way, you just need to persist in your self-concept affirmations, and the affirmations linked to your limiting beliefs and doubts. Just persist, self-talk and self-concept is everything. Everyone is you pushed out, so if you become the version of you that no one can compare to, then your 3D will shift to reflect that, and you will get your desire.

Keep persisting and putting yourself first! Prioritise your self-concept over doing techniques and affirming for SP! It's all about you, after all! <3

If you need anything else, please dm me! Happy to be your manifestation bestie!

xxxxx

[birdkeeperklink]

✨2022 Writing Year In Review✨

I was tagged by @lassiesspanishaccent! Thanks, Swattie! 💖

1. Number of stories posted to AO3: 11

2. Word count posted for the year: 76,818

3. Fandoms I wrote for: Psych and Gods of Egypt

4. Pairings: Shawn Spencer/Carlton Lassiter, Horus/Bek

5. Story with the most:

- Kudos: Complementary Souls (382)

- Bookmarks: Complementary Souls (107)

- Comments: DoMaystic Shassie (79)

6. Work I’m most proud of (and why):

“DoMaystic Shassie” because it was the first time I’d ever tackled one of those month-long challenges and actually followed through on it.

7. Work I’m least proud of (and why):

“Never Be the Same.” It just didn’t come out the way I hoped it would.

8. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

Oh, dear, I have so many favorites - so many people say so many lovely things 😭💖 But I guess, for recent ones, I’ll have to go with this one -

“This was super sweet, I loved when the dwarves realized WHY Bilbo complains so much, and their reactions when he started complaining again were adorable.  I loved this, loved how they all came together to make sure their Hobbit was all right!  Thanks for sharing!”

It was left on a story I’ll always have a soft spot for, and it always makes my day on the occasions when a comment is left on it. It reminds me that people are still reading those older works and enjoying them, which is a reminder I really need quite often.

9. A time when writing was really, really hard:

Mmm, September through December? 😂 This past semester really kicked my ass, mostly because one of my classes wasn’t offered online, so I ended up driving a ton and it sapped my time and energy.

10. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

It’s not a scene, but a whole story 😂 “5 Times Shawn Called Carlton ‘Babygirl’ + 1 Time Carlton Didn’t Freak Out About It” surprised me because I don’t usually liked 5+1 stories, with very, very rare exceptions, so I really never expected to have an idea to write one of my own.

11. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

<<The teens bolted, slipping and sliding in the snow. Carlton watched them go with satisfaction, partly just for the joy of it and partly to see that they really did stick to the trail, heading back towards the lodge, and didn’t turn off into the trees.

It was a mistake, though, because he’d forgotten that there were more than just two hooligans out here.

He yelled, flailing, and stamped around, wriggling to try to get the cold out of the back of his shirt! Specifically, his neck, and oh, God, it was going down his back now, and —

Carlton went still, whirling to glare at Spencer, who was laughing. He’d just stuffed snow down the back of Carlton’s shirt and he was laughing.

“Oh, you son of a —”

Ordinarily, he’d try to strangle Spencer, but today, he had a snowball in his hand.>>

From “Coffee on the Snow,” which I suppose was technically 2021, but I’m counting it in 2022 because AO3 does and I’m lazy, lol

12. How did you grow as a writer this year:

I don’t feel like I did, really. Sounds like a bummer downer answer, but what can you do 🤷‍♀️

13. How do you hope to grow next year:

I hope to learn to let go of what other people think and just write what I want. I’ve always known that intellectually, but I have a really hard time taking it to heart, so I’d like that if I could develop that skill more permanently next year, rather than just having waves of not caring followed by long periods of insecurity.

14. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

Oh, without a doubt Swattie and my bestie - those two are beacons of light.  I know Swattie is always there for everyone and always has an encouraging word, and it’s amazing.  My bestie, of course, is my bff and even has kind words for me when I write about shows or characters she doesn’t like. 💖

15. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

Not that I recall. If it did, it was a tiny throwaway bit, like something I was eating at that moment, lol

16. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

You don’t have to take every bit of criticism into consideration.  If someone offers you “advice” and you didn’t ask for it, it’s okay to ignore it.  If someone offers you advice and you did ask for it, it’s still okay to ignore it.  Sometimes it’s personal preferences clashing and sometimes the other person doesn’t understand what you’re trying to do - that’s okay, and you don’t have to pay it any mind if you don’t want to.

17. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

I have a short Elementary fic I’m working on that I’d love to finish very soon, I’m collaborating with my bff on a Bagginshield fic that will remain between the two of us and I’m excited for that, and I went back to a really old Buffy fic that I’m really excited to rework into a second draft, even though absolutely no one else will ever want to read it but me.  Other than that, who knows?  I’m giving myself a break from deadlines and expectations this year, since college has plenty of those, and am just writing whatever I feel excited about in the moment, without guilt.

18. Tag some writers whose answers you’d like to read.

Oh, let’s see.... @stevviefox @asublimehimbo @lenievi and...I feel bad, but I can’t remember who’s already been tagged for one of these and who hasn’t among the writers in my mutuals, so...if you haven’t already been tagged and you see this and want to do it, then I’m tagging you. Although no pressure even to the three people I did tag 😅

[effervescentluminescence]

inspired by i think @ourflagmeansgayrights bc i also have too many WIPs (10 i guess, which is too many) and I kind of want to put them in the atmosphere so I finish some of them.

Starting with the two I might finish:

Not Christmas fic (also inspired by an @ourflagmeansgayrights post?) where post-divorce Stede on his first Christmas alone goes to NYC for the day on impulse bc all the movies make it look festive. It's not, really, but he does meet Ed there! And then they semi-accidentally go on a 24-hour extremely secular date and fall in love and have sex and all that.

Mega long fic where Ed and Stede meet as kids. Ed works at the Bonnet estate--he ended up there after the whole killing his dad thing, becomes bffs with Stede, they do some cute teen romance stuff, and they make plans to run away together after Stede's dad starts floating marriage prospects, but Badmintons intervene and Stede is forced into the British Naval Academy and Ed manages to escape the estate and goes home to his mom. But they tell Stede that Ed is dead! And then Stede finds out that he's not! And that Ed is Blackbeard (who has a slightly different reputation in this universe)! Anyway it's a lot of fic. I've got it pretty much mapped out but I'm intimidated by it.

lol not to mention the one I have mostly published with the last chapter mostly written but haven't finished yet haha

And some that are just sparkles in my eye:

Amnesia!fic where Chauncey does shoot Stede a little bit in the head before offing himself. Stede's marked dead on the logs and the only person who knows who he is is the guard Ed got to lead him into the forest, but admitting he knows who Stede is would be bad for him, so no one knows who he is. Basically Stede doesn't remember anything about his life, becomes a privateer, ends up accidentally unionizing his ship, accidentally on purpose kills his captain who is about to kill Ed. Stede's like, hi nice to meet you, I'm Toby (or something) and then Ed realizes that he doesn't actually know why Stede didn't meet him at the docks? Whoops.

Ed pretends to not be able to read and asks Stede to teach him so they can spend more time together.

Ed's mom is doing great now, actually, and after S1 he runs into his half-sister and meets his stepdad and sees his mom for the first time in 20 years and it's all very angsty and shmoopy

Fic where Ed and Stede are reunited and immediately start arguing/flirting so Izzy stabs Stede in the guts, more angst/shmoop

Jim forgives Ed--They get a letter from Olu via Olivia saying everyone is alright, so Jim's like...how can I fix this, oh hey an opportunity to try killing someone with kindness, been wanting to try that since they heard captain say it. It sounded stupid until they realized the killing was metaphorical. Jim so rarely has the moral high ground so this could be fun.

Sequel/Companion to my Princess Bride fic, missing scenes with Jim, Inigo, and Frenchie in the Fireswamp and the Bermuda Triangle

Post reunion pre-forgiveness, Ed has basically forgiven Stede but he just can't stop being a dick and he's so annoyed at himself about it but that makes him act even more dickish. It's a vicious cycle. (but it's because he hasn't actually talked to Stede yet because he's worried about being too mean and also crying a lot and he knows Stede's going to feel bad, but then he acts like a dick and makes Stede feel just as bad. He is very aware of how ridiculous he's being but can't stop.) Then Ed catches Stede him sneaking into the captains cabin. Turns out there's a secret bookshelf that Ed didn't know about where Stede kept all his favorites. Stede asks if he can take one, Ed just shrugs. Later Stede asks Ed if he can go grab another book and Ed for no real reason tells Stede he threw them all in the ocean. Ed can see the light go out in Stede's eyes, and he's like, no no no fuck that was so mean why did I say that, but then Stede walks away so Ed goes to his cabin to kick the walls. Later that day Lucius is like "heeyyyyy, did you really throw out all Stede's favorite books. Ed's like "...no." L: "yeah, that's what I thought. Could you tell him that? He thinks you hate him now and he's starting to lose all hope, and his will to live has always been tenuous at best--" and Ed's alarmed, now, also fuck it, he doesn't actually want to hurt Stede! Ed finds Stede and drags him into his cabin and then just starts monologuing all his hurts and apologies, and by the end they're both crying but Stede is smiling again and remarks how romantic it all was. The vibe on this is more humor than angst (angst mostly from moping!Stede)

[m1ckeyb3rry]

I wish there were a more standardized rules for the romanization because the differences are so wild that I go back and read and I’m like what who tf is this…like atp it’d be easier for me to just read it in korean instead if I have to think this hard to figure out who is being referred to…and yes the webcomic def isn’t as deep LOL im ngl I was never like super SUPER into orv like that so I didn’t mind it just being a more surface level easy quick read maybe someday I’ll actually get the willpower to fully read the novel…

Wait you’re so right LOL I totally forgot….also on that note iirc I think yukis bday is late April, I wanna say 26/27….but I could be wrong because I (regretfully) have not paid as much attention to yuki as some others (KARASU cough) but I’m actually laughing so hard sidekick Niko is actually gold I love the dynamic

Oh yeah there’s definitely Kaiser glazers LOL I feel like most of them are also the ones calling ness a glazer which is ironically funny (classic dude bro activity)

I just saw your side by side post and I was gonna say why do they look so similar in those panels LOL ok but hak too >>>>> I also remember seeing scenes of him and being like omg…actually he does kinda remind me of the closeted pining loser..lowk maybe I should go back to reading this again

LMAOO yeah you could never catch me pampering someone like Reo does to Nagi but OOOOOH guys im getting an exclusive sneak peek to peregrine hehe ok but reading this YOU CANNOT DROP A BOMB LILE THAT OMG??? Guys….guys?????!!!! Heavily agree that nagi being with her DESPITE the hassle >>>>>> Nagi being with her because she’s the only one who isn’t a hassle….it makes it feel more meaningful because we all know how much he hates hassles and instead of her just conveniently fitting with his lifestyle in that sense he’s actively willing to actually go out of his comfort zone for her….its the active part fr…I’m crying him biking all the way to meet her is giving me white butterfly hiori and willow tree rin add him into the losers with wild signs of affection club…ok but him actively failing to give the opportunity to her SHSGSHSH Lowk I can imagine her being pissed when/if she finds out but also OHHH ok it’s been a bit since I last read it but the pieces are here so that’s why Nagi’s always been kinda looked down upon because of his soccer career decline…that sounds like a big peregrine installment though LOL excited for whenever you decide to put that out!! I’m all for the tidbits and spoilers though

I was also going to say I remember first reading peregrine and getting sidetracked by chigiri because of the way you wrote him as the bff too LMAOOOO I definitely see the chigiri bff trope used here and there and I haven’t seen any characterizations of him here that are as bad/wild as other characters (like the Itoshis) but yours is def one of my favs miraverse characters on top!!!

LMAOOO “did I miss a tag was this supposed to be some cucking fic” no dw they’ll turn around once they realize it’s not aiku (like me reading Karasu bfb part 2 instead of 1 smh) OR they’ll just convert to (whoever it is) nation from your writing

OOOOOH ok actually that makes it easier for the fyp to do its thing then manifesting some top tier audio!! On a slightly unrelated note whenever I see anything using that audio from the Barou one you showed me I think about the Barou edit and lose it…truly living in my head rent free

Omg so I sent in the reply and went to go look at the source material to translate but got side tracked and completely forgot about it until I read this so umm!!! Going now!!! LMAO luckily they’re pretty short so it won’t take me long as long as my brain has the capacity to remember to actually do it shshjensjs

- Karasu anon

i think i started reading it because of an edit on tik tok (at this point what DON’T i do because of edits on tik tok…) and found out the webcomic wasn’t finished so i just went straight for the novel instead!! and honestly i’m glad i did because it was a much better experience imo…honestly i was lucky in that i had literally nothing else to do so it was easy for me to keep reading which meant i could get to the really exciting parts quicker!! since at first it’s kind of confusing 😰 but i do want to reread at some point because i think it’s one of those stories that’ll be even better when you know the ending?? or like you pick up on things you missed the first time around 🙂‍↕️ however it’s so long that rereading would be such a time commitment idk if i could do it 😭

okay wait yeah he does have an april birthday i was thinking of nagi when i said may!! LMAO agreed the yukimiya facts are not at the forefront of my mind as compared to nagi karasu and barou’s (also barou and i have almost the same birthday this basically makes us soulmates i think)

kaiser glazers are so interesting because 99% of kaiser fans fundamentally misunderstand his character to the point that it’s like…just create an oc…LMAOAOA he’s definitely interesting but i think he has to be viewed in a very particular lens to even make sense as a person 🤔 he’s not solely “evil abusive meanie villain” but he’s also definitely NOT a sweetheart who would be perfect and flirty in a relationship…many layers to that man but i will leave the exploring of them to someone who actually gaf abt him

NO BECAUSE THE RESEMBLANCE IS UNCANNY TBH LIKE WHY DO THEY LOOK SOSOSO SIMILAR?? dare i say nagi might pull up and steal shinah’s story that i always wanted to write but never did…DARE I SAY 🤫 jkjk we will see if i can even make it work because to be honest it might be too dependent on yona lore HOWEVER the crossover could be insane 😨 especially because hak was the second lead so i could EASILY give rin that spot and fulfill my rin second lead dreams 🤩

LMAOOO I NEEDEDDDD TO GO ON THE PEREGRINE RANT WITH SOMEBODY!!! oh 100% it’s like one of the main three fights they have (the first is after he becomes friends with reo and asks her why she hates him so much so she tells him she hates him for not trying and still being better than her because she’ll be stuck in their hometown forever [they secretly become friends and then start dating afterwards], the second is when she finds out he failed on purpose because she’s all like “oh you didn’t trust me now i didn’t even earn it” and nagi’s like “bro what do you want from me 😰”, and the third is when he bikes to her house and asks her to stay and she tells him she has to leave and then literally gets in the taxi and leaves him standing there in the rain watching her go 😭) okay wait more peregrine lore: the reason why she gets with kira is deadass because chigiri reo and may convince her to go to a college party in their freshman year with them for the underage drinking experience and when she’s drunk she sees a tall pale haired soccer player and is like omg nagi??? and goes over to cry and hug him because she misses him sm…meanwhile kira is like WTF but finds her hot so he decides he needs to snatch and that’s why he knows who nagi is even though she doesn’t remember it happening because reo may chigiri were NOT responsible friends and she had a bitttt too much 😓 she says no because she still loves nagi and wants to be with him once she graduates but a week or so later nagi goes viral on social media for mentioning he’s in love with a girl from their hometown — orie watanabe (reader’s best friend from when she was a kid who sold her out to her mother) so she calls kira and is like “ok ig i’ll date you i have no other options” BUT plot twist there’s an interlude which shows the actual interview and all nagi said (in response to the interviewer asking why he’s single) is that he’s still in love with this girl he knew from when he was younger (implied to be reader) it’s just that the gossip sites went crazy trying to find the girl and orie being a clout chaser is like “oh he’s talking abt me” LMAOAOA and ofc as chigiri mentioned nagi doesn’t have any social media so he had 0 clue what was even HAPPENING but that’s why reader thinks he moved on first!!

also wait number one peregrine moment that is yet to come is during reo and may’s wedding…the date of reader’s wedding has been set and she’s dancing w nagi as the best man and maid of honor usually do and she starts crying because talking to may made her realize she actually still loves nagi but she doesn’t know how to escape the hole she’s dug for herself so nagi’s like “wow guys she’s so emotional her best friends are getting married 🙂‍↕️” and they go sit in the corner and he’s like ok why are you ACTUALLY crying and she’s like i wish we were the ones getting married which ofc makes nagi be like 😮 UNFORTUNATELY kira is there and he overhears and starts crashing out but then the goat himself HYOMA CHIGIRI pulls up and diffuses things by dumping a glass of red wine on kira’s head and saying “you’ve always wanted to be like me at least now you’ve got the hair color down 🥱” JFNDJSKS then kira fucks off back to america but chigiri gets home first and he + niko + kunigami get all of reader’s stuff out of their house before kira can do anything…then nagi gets back into soccer but the only team that’ll take him is a really shitty one that’s supposed to be kicked out of the league because they don’t even have a coach and reader is like “yo if you take nagi as a player i’ll get you a coach” and then she calls chigiri so he + kunigami + niko (who still has reader’s cat for some reason) pull up and chigiri gets the job as their coach and he + nagi lead them to victory that season even though chigiri had to quit playing soccer in college because of his leg (hence why kira replaced him) 🤩

YESSS THE AUDIOS GO CRAZY i never know when inspo will strike because it’ll be the most random videos fr but at this point i trust my for you page to lead me to greatness it hasn’t let me down yet!! also omg the barou effect…so real though that edit was PERFECT like the clips they used and everything…lowkey after sae i might do barou’s edition of the oaeu because i cannot wait to write him and also because it’ll introduce niko as aiku’s sidekick which is a must

LMAOOO no worries i will go respond to them now!! hehe you are always on the translating grind my goat fr 😩

[longeyelashedtragedy]

i was fake tagged by my bff @perfectpiety <3

current favorite songs:

idk about favorite but here are some i have been listening to

potpuri vlonjate - tahir boshkaj & haxhi arapi - when i get into a mood for this song i fall into the "why am i late? oh bc i tried to fit a 9+ min song into 3 minutes" zone. you know a song really slaps if it's not on spotify!

the chauffeur - duran duran omg...i used to listen to this song so often a few years ago. it's so stupidly otherworldly good! and then i guess it kind of fell out of favor till it appeared on the "do you like this song" blog a few weeks ago and ever since then i can't get enough of it. i don't know why, but ever since i first heard it, this became my "tragic rich guy who has to act heterosexual" song. it's got something to do with the line "my envied lady holds you fast in her gaze." i'm not sure if i can explain it! but that's also one of my favorite song lines, haha. fuck this song is so good--i don't think i like duran duran most of the time, so idk what they did here

mayores - becky g & bad bunny -it's just so catchy and fun, you can't help but sing along!-

norafjølls - bukkene bruse - old reliable fav since high school, this norwegian fiddle song is just Sublime and hypnotizing! it relaxes me but drives me forward, and the slow vocal section in the middle is so mysterious, though i have no idea what it means...i think he's talking about death and...boys...but i could have heard the words all wrong lol

fotografi - reealt - otherwise known as the rapper who did a song about the xhakabrothers ("34"), this song is just...really beautiful to me in its way? one of those songs that uses autotune well. it's also got a music video that's very aesthetically pleasing and it comes with albanian subtitles! i can understand the entire chorus (all...3 lines) wow, gold star A+ for the lazy language study method. but yeah this has been on repeat!

plaga - reealt - i've been listening to this a lot so i think that's why youtube autoplayed me fotografi

last song:

fotografi by reealt

last watched (movie/tv show):

i actually just watched a movie over the weekend! "encounter in the air," directed by ardit sadiku. i love his movies!

currently reading:

i just finished a couple books. i'm slowly making my way through pasión y gestión (about the former president of argentina when he was presisdent of boca juniors) which i started reading 57393489349 years ago but never finished, and am about to start a new book from my library pile. i've been reading more fiction this year and it's interesting how much faster i read fiction than nonfiction

currently obsessed with:

still just football! my life is pretty boring

relationship status:

in my aromantic era. like, if someone wanted to hook up with an exhausted average-looking lump i'm so down, but the idea of being In Love (which i used to be so into!) has zeeeeero appeal, i'm not sure what happened to me!

tagging: YOU!!!!!

[moemammon]

When I was in High School, my crush and I got into a fight and neither of us were talking to each other. One day I was headed up the stairwell to get to my science class, when I saw them coming up from behind... I don't think they had even noticed me yet considering that they were busy talking to their friend BUT I am slow going up stairs so even if I rushed up the stairs roadrunner style they would have caught up to me, well; the little corner that connects the steps going up to the second floor and the steps heading down to the ground floor had a large open window... and I jumped out, like I literally just jumped out. I didn't even think it through, I just saw the window and my body was like "Yep, IK what to do." I landed on a bush or tree? It's too big to call a bush but too small to call a tree, landed in a squat before my feet gave out and I fall onto my knees and got two large grass stains on my jeans knee part, couldn't walk right either after that landing, I was shaky all day lol but it was a risk well calculated bc the whole thing would have been so awkward. I mean we used to be like BFFS before the rumors began and then they started and we just stopped talking without warning, we couldn't even look at each other. Our science partners, bc we were in groups of four, literally got fed up of our bullshit bc we literally refused to acknowledge the others existence... anyway, I digress...

Anyway, this whole story is a long winded way of me requesting how the brothers would react to an MC that literally just jumps out windows to avoid awkward moments, or to dodge people that want to ask them for favors, or when they straight up want to avoid someone?

And sorry about the large ass message, but thanks for letting me vent

You have a special place in my heart, window-jumping anon. Just uhhhhhhh look down next time okay? Ily

The Demon Brothers react to GN!MC jumping out of a window to avoid an awkward moment

(Mario jumping sound effect)

Lucifer

He approached you after class to ask exactly what you were snickering at your D.D.D. about during class.

Must've been real funny if you weren't listening to your lecture, huh?

"I imagine you've somehow found something worthy of laughing about in Demonology 101?"

You do not have the guts to tell him that you and Mammon were texting back and forth, abusing a new photo editing app to alter pictures of the eldest himself.

I mean, take a wild guess about how he’d react to seeing how big you edited his head to be-

The avatar of pride lets his eyes pierce into you, like he's trying to stare a hole through your blanket of "uh"s and "um"s,

You don't exactly see a way out of this one, but you can NOT let Lucifer see your photo gallery.

So you glance to your left to the open classroom window, and do the only thing you can think of: you jump.

Luckily you're on the ground floor so you??? really didn't have to jump so dramatically. But the fact that you yeeted yourself into a bush JUST to escape has left Lucifer speechless.

Honestly? He so impressed with your dedication that he's not gonna stop you. Besides, he's gonna see you back at home anyway so-

Also thinks you might be hanging around Mammon too much because that 100% seems like a stunt he’d pull.

Mammon

GIVE GOLDIE BACK RIGHT NOW

He KNOWS Lucifer told you to bring the credit card to him, and he demands to know where it's hidden! He's positive you know where it is!

But you don't really though?? You just brought the card to him like you were asked. If anything, you're the victim here!

But Mammon isn't having that. The avatar of greed is circling around you like an angry cat, patting you all over like airport security to see if you've got his beloved card.

"Where is it, huh?! Ya really think you can steal from THE Mammon?! Even if Lucifer told ya to, who do ya think you are?!"

When he has confirmed that you don't in fact have his previous Goldie, he's now cornering you up against a wall.

If looks could kill, you would've exploded into a fine powder

And you feel like your mental strength is about to do just that. So what do you do after you notices the slightest of breezes caress your face?

You jump outta that open window, before Mammon can even finish his "Wh- Oi! What're ya-"

Even though you just face planted into the garden, you're up on your feet and making a mad dash for somewhere that wasn't here.

Mammon lets you run for ten while seconds before he's hopping out after you. You think you can outfox the Great Mammon?! Think again!!!

Levi

You... weren't interested in this movie in the slightest, but you didn't have the heart to tell Levi that. Especially not after he’d begged/harassed you for the past week about watching it with him!

Reluctantly you agreed, and now you were suffering,,,But Levi was ecstatic! This movie was a classic! Sure it was an old one and the acting was a little bad, but you could overlook that if you watched it with your heart, not your eyes!

According to Levi.

You managed to keep your eyes open for the grueling one and a half hour movie, enduring every corny line of bad acting, horrible CGI, and lame sound effects straight out of a 90s super hero movie, and now the hell was finally over...

Or so you though, until Levi followed that up by immediately pulling out a cosplay outfit worn by one of the supporting characters in the show.

Funny how it seemed specifically tailored to your measurements. Even funnier how Levi was looking at you with those damned eyes.

You knew what he wanted without him even having to say it. But one look at the gaudy outfit he presented to you made your heart burn with a sudden indescribable urge.... to escape.

Honestly you caught him so off guard by suddenly getting up and sprinting out of the room, that he makes a sound that's pretty much the noise equivalent of "?!?!?!?!?!?"

He watches you run down to the end of the hall, throw the window open, and fuckin JUMP. Pretty sure he just witnessed your death??

Also this kinda solidified his 'gross otaku' mentality, seeing as you literally jumped out of a window to get out of cosplaying with him. A simple no would've sufficed, MC.......,.,,..,,,

Hey gamers... can we get an F in the chat? 😔✌️💦

Satan

Satan lent you a book to read last week that he was sure you'd be interested in! He found it pretty interesting himself, so he wants to see if you'd like it as much as he did.

That being said, you don't have the heart to tell him that you,,, didn't read any of it. Well you kind of did, if the cover counts for anything.

You doubt he would accept that as an answer, considering how you told him how much you appreciated receiving the book, and how you'd definitely read it and let him know how it was.

So now, Satan had come into your room with two cups of tea, ready to settle down and have a nice, long talk about your thoughts on the riveting plot that you promised you would indulge in.

"I'm really glad you decided to read it. I found that the protagonist reminded me a lot like you. I'd like to know what you thought about it."

Satan sets down the tea cups, and one sip tells you that he brewed it exactly the way you like.

His expression is eager and warm as he waits for you to begin gushing about just how deeply the story touched you... how absolutely moved you are by the sheer majesty that was the book he lent you...

Okay yeah, you're sweating bullets. You can't imagine how the sparkly eyed avatar of wrath would react to learning that you chose the company of your D.D.D. over Satan's book.

You don't have such an ice cold hard that you can just crush this book nerds dreams like that! And every time you look at his expectant face, the weight of your crimes weigh heavier on you until... you break.

Satan watches in shock and awe as you almost perfectly reenact the big scene where the main character leaps out of the window of a building rigged to explode, before making their escape. And you did just that.

Wow.. he never thought you could be so moved by a story, but he completely understands...

Asmo

How many outfits, Asmo. HOW MANY OUTFTITS WILL IT TAKE TO APPEASE YOU?

He's made you model TWELVE outfits so far, and you swear if you see another ascot, you're gonna lose your mind.

Asmodeus doesn't seem to notice the way the light slowly fades from your eyes, because he's pulling out outfit number thirteen with that cheery smile of his.

"Isn't this one absolutely adorable? Look, this part will look lovely around your waist! This part here hugs your body in all the right places, and this-"

You can't do it. You've gotta get out of here. You'd love to stand around and get mild rug burn from trying on a billion different clothes, but-

Actually no you wouldn't.

You DID promise Asmo you'd hang out with him today, but this wasn't really your idea of a good time.

"-Oooh, just thinking about it makes me want to eat you up~! Here, put it on for me, will you? I'll give you a kiss as a reward!"

You would do no such thing.

You make a mad dash for his ornate window and push it open. He has no time to stop you as he helplessly watches you vault yourself out like the room was on fire.

"MC?! Wh-where are you going?? Come back here! Grass stains are impossible to get out of that fabric!!!"

Beel

He means well. I swear he does. It's just that Beel can be a little... overbearing when he's worried about you. He cares, okay?

But he hasn't seen you eat anything all day! You tell him it's because you've got a stomach ache from who knows what, and you promise you've had little snacks here and there to keep from starving, but he can't accept that!

Eating is important, and you need it to survive. So Beelzebub was currently trying to nudge your mouth open with a pizza slice, while you vehemently refused. "Just one bite. And then another after that. You have to eat, or you'll go hungry... and I don't want that."

Beel knows the true pain of being hungry, and he’d never wish that on you! So just forget about your stomach ache for two seconds and open up-

Not that you really can. The aroma of that pizza was not sitting well on your stomach, and you were pretty sure you needed a fast escape or you'd risk losing your lunch. Greasy foods didn't exactly mix well with sour stomachs...

Beel still won't let up. He has a strong hand planted firmly on the small of your back, as if trying to prevent you from leaning back any further in your attempt to escape the pizza.

"If you eat this, I'll treat you to dessert at Madam Screams," he says, as if bribing your refusal of food USING food will somehow work out.

You can't break his heart, but you seriously can't eat that! Your head is spinning, thoughts racing, face becoming greasier and greasier from the pizza pressed against it, and-

You snap. In a sudden burst of strength you break free from Beel's grasp, and sprint toward the nearest window. All you see is your chance for freedom, and you're taking it.

You leap out and tumble into the ground, all while Beelzebub wonders what?? Just happened???? Did you really hate pizza that much...?

He never knew you were such a picky eater... To think you'd go so far as to jump out of the window though...

Belphie

You thought it was cute at first, when Belphegor wanted you to join him for his naps. And you didn't mind much. It was the weekend, you were tired, and he makes a pretty good body pillow.

But you didn't realize he planned for this to become an everyday thing. The youngest might not act it, but he sure could be spoiled.

But seriously, if you slept any longer, you might never have a normal sleep schedule again! It never occurred to you just how often Belphie sleeps.

He's definitely not human, because there's no way you can keep up with that, and maintain a normal lifestyle.

But the way he quietly, gently grabs your sleeve to cue your next nap session makes your heart clench. Why was it so damned hard to say no to this gremlin??

You were trying your best though, but the words always seemed to get caught in your throat. Belphie picked apart your excuses, doing everything in his power to take you back to the attic.

"You can study when you wake up." "Mammon wants to go shopping? Reschedule." "Lucifer told you not to be late to the board meeting? Just hide."

You're starting to get sucked into the sleepy lull of his voice, and it feels like your entire body is becoming heavy with fatigue. But no.... you resist!

Since there's no escaping this through words, you have to think fast. Fortunately, your fast thinking has led to an amazing solution!

Jump out of the window, baby

Belphie is just??? Did you fuckin???? Are your legs okay??????????????

He probably stops asking you to nap with him for a while, since you're willing to almost break your legs just to get out of it. You're gonna make him have weird dreams....

[baroquebucky]

caress

soulmate au where when you touch your soulmate you see glimpses of your future with them; the winter soldier touches you and realizes there’s so much more out there

series masterlist // previous // epilogue

part five

word count: 6k (v worth it me thinks)

masterlist

a/n: the final official part has arrived bffs </3 i will be doing an epilogue of just pure fluff do not fret <333 i hope u all enjoy this one !! made it xtra long for y’all <3 let me know what you guys think pls !! , i cried writing jt and the ending is my favorite thing ever eeek !!!

You were sitting on the couch next to Natasha, it was quiet as the news played on the tv in front of the two of you, news reporters talking about the aftermath of Thanos’ doing. 

23 days.

23 days since you had lost half the team, since you had lost half the universe. Since you had lost bucky.

Life was dull, you cried for hours on end at night, longing filling your chest. Sometimes you would dream of him, a smile on your face as you slept. Then you would wake up, reaching out next to you in hopes of your fingers being met with the cold vibranium of his arm. You were met with cold sheets, emptiness.

Steve missed him too, sometimes he would sit next to you when you were in tears, placing an arm around you and comforting you as best he could. Natasha and him took turns watching over you, making sure you stayed healthy.

The sound of low rumbling brought you out of the trance you were in, you furrowed your brows and looked at nat, she looked back at you equally as confused. As you went to get up things around you started shaking, steve came of the restroom concerned.

“what the hell is that?” You questioned, Rhodey and banner walking into the room together. The five of you ran out into the yard, looking up your eyes went wide. You recognized carol carrying the giant ship, you had met briefly when she came to earth after receiving Fury’s signal.

Your mouth flew open and tears filled your eyes as you saw tony, a smile on your face as Steve ran to tony, steadying him as the woman next to him handed him off.

The rest of you watched from afar as pepper ran up to tony, the two hugging. You felt your heart tug in your chest as the two soulmates embraced.

You were sat next to thor as while the others explained what happened, though you figured from the pain in their eyes they had suffered the consequences of thanos’ actions themselves.

“whats wrong with them?” Tony asked, looking at you and thor.

“oh he’s pissed, he thinks he failed, which he did-” the raccoon continued to talk but you zoned out.

“did barnes..?” Tony asked softly and steve nodded, his eyes softened, if he had the energy he would’ve gotten up and hugged you.

As they continued to talk you could see tony getting angrier at the captain, you hated it. You hated knowing that things would most likely never be the same between the two friends. You watched teary eyed as the two argued, the lump growing in your throat.

Thor placed his hand on you arm gently, reassuring you everything would be okay. You looked up and saw tony take out his arc reactor, shoving it into Steve’s hand.

“here, take this. You find him, and you put that on, you hide” tony spat, immediately falling to the ground. Steve was quick to catch him, holding him up.

Before you knew it he was passed out, steve carrying him quickly to a bed with steve and Rhodey hot on his heels.

You sat back down next to thor, he handed you some of whatever he was snacking on and you smiled at him softly. The two of you watching the rest of the team bicker and talk about where thanos was.

“-unfortunately they didn’t have you guys” carol replied to Rhodey, you looked at thor, nudging him and he nodded, getting up while he still chewed.

Thor walked up to carol, holding his hand out as Stormbreaker came to him, barely missing carol. The two stared at each other before thor nodded.

“I like this one” he turned to you and you gave him a tight lipped smile.

“Let’s go get this son of a bitch” steve spoke, a determined look on his face as everyone moved to get ready.

“y/n are you not coming?” Steve spoke and you hesisted, looking around before shaking your head.

“I’m gonna stay here with tony and pepper, in case they need something” you replied, fiddling with the dog tags you still wore around your neck.

Steve knew that wasn’t the reason, but he didn’t push you, simply nodding his head, giving you a hug and then walking away.

You sat back on the couch after letting pepper know you would be there if they needed anything. You let your mind wander back to the flash on you and bucky at a picnic, the sun seemed so bright and you caught yourself smiling as you thought of bucky. Your eyes were closed as you seemingly looped the flash of your futures in your head.

“isn’t the sunset so beautiful james” you sighed contently, a small smile on your face as you looked at the pinks and reds. You turned to look at bucky, but he was gone. “Bucky?” Your heart raced, tears in your eyes as you looked around.

“y/n?” You whipped around quickly, mouth falling open as you saw bucky fading into dust.

“no!” You cried out, running to catch him.

Your eyes shot open and your heart raced in your chest. That can’t be right, that can’t happen. Bucky was your soulmate. Those visions were set in stone they had to happen, those were the rules, they can’t just change all of a sudden. Right?

You peeked into the room, checking in on tony and pepper.

“can i get some water actually?” Pepper asked and you nodded, quickly coming back with water and some snacks for her. “Thanks” you whispered and you smiled at her.

“they’ll bring him back, i know they will” pepper reassured you. You gaveher the best smile you could manage and replied, “i know.”

You held out hope for the time the others were out. Shaking away the thought of the flashes of your future changing. It’s just because I’m on edge, that’s it. You reasoned, your leg bouncing as you waited for them to return.

Everyone walked in, you ran up to them hopeful for good news, you looked at steve with a smile, hugging him and holding your hand in his. He felt his heart crush in his chest, this was the happiest you’d been since the decimation and it was going to be torn from you immediately.

“so? did you get the stones? when are we getting everyone back? Does someone need to snap or clap or what? did you guys kill him?” You rushed out, eyes shining in hope as you looked at everyone. Your stomach fell as you saw the look on their faces.

“he destroyed them” Natasha spoke cautiously, “there’s no more stones, we- there’s nothing we can do.”

“oh,” was all you managed to say, your hand going limp in Steve’s, you felt a new wave of pain coming up and you didn’t want to have another meltdown infront of them.

“y/n, please we’re here for you” steve spoke, trying to grasp your hand again after you pulled it out of his.

“I’m fine” you smiled, walking away quickly to your room. Steve sighed, going to follow you but Natasha stopped him, knowing you would want some space.

You laid on your bed, at first nothing happened, you just looked up at your ceiling, an emptiness in your chest. Then it all hit you.

Bucky was gone, there was nothing that could bring him back. The one person you were destined to was gone and you couldn’t do a single thing about it. The little time you had together wasn’t nearly enough to you. The two day trips to wakanda left you wanting more, but you could never get more time. You were always out of time.

For years you had been praying to finally touch your soulmate, to meet them and live a long happy life together. You knew you would never get that the moment you reached out to bucky and saw your future with him. You knew the road would be bumpy but you held out hope, both of you did. You tried to keep him within your grasp, you tried to hold him close to your heart for as long as you could despite knowing you were out of time. You thought of how he would embrace you, how he would keep you safe in his arms while you slept.

Now you slept in an empty bed, knowing there wouldn’t be a next visit to wakanda. Knowing your soulmate was gone and you didn’t get to say goodbye. Knowing you were back to where you started- Alone.

——

Five years.

It had been five years since the Decimation happened, everyone else called it the blip.

Gently, you set down the bag of groceries, finally closing your apartment door after your third trip up. You arranged everything quietly, 40s music softly playing from your speaker and the jingle of Buckys dog tags filling the apartment.

You never took them off. They were all you had of him, they were the only thing to keep you going. You would fiddle with them and hold them close to your chest. They brought you comfort. The same comfort bucky would give you, the comfort he had given you during your time in wakanda. The same you should’ve had right in this moment.

One more fight

The words rang in your ears, taunting you. Rage, sadness and pain all filled your chest, your heart aching as you finished putting everything away, shutting the music off and turning on the tv. You looked down at the dog tags that rested on your chest, tears welling in your eyes as you read over them.

The hot tears fell down your face and you held the dog tags tightly in your hands, mind going blank as you let yourself wallow in the pain for a moment.

Your phone rang and you wiped your tears away, sniffling as you saw Steve’s contact picture. You hesisted before answering.

“hi steve!” You spoke brightly, putting on your best act.

“hey y/n how are you?” Steve spoke smoothly and you wiped at your tears before replying.

“I’m doing good! Just got back from the grocery store” you wanted to hang up, to just watch reruns of your favorite show and forget about everything

“are you sure?” Steve spoke cautiously and you replied quicker than you intended, “course I’m sure!”

Then there was a knock on your door.

“great because I’m outside” steve replied happily, hanging up and waiting outside. Your stomach fell, you looked in the mirror, your eyes and nose were redándolo your cheeks flushed.

Quickly you ran to splash water on your face, taking in a shaky breath as you dried your face and moved to open the door, putting a smile on your face and greeting steve.

“if it isn’t my favorite captain” you smiled, steve looked at you warily, taking you into a hug after you let him in.

“you forget i have enhanced hearing y/n, i know you were sniffling right before opening the door” steve spoke bluntly and your shoulders fell. “y/n, you can’t keep shutting me out, Natasha is worried about you too” he spoke softly, taking your hand and leading you to your couch.

“i just miss him” you whispered and steve sighed, pulling you into him so your head rested on his chest, he wrapped his arms around you as you cried quietly.

“i know, i do too, we just have to learn to live without him, he would want you to start a life y/n, you don’t have to be alone” steve spoke. His presence was calming.

You and steve had been friends for so long, there was a reason he knew he could call you when SHIELD fell. You were the one to help him adjust to modern society, you were his first friend out of the ice.

“how about you go shower and change, and I’ll make some food for us okay? We can watch your show while we eat” steve smiled, he knew you hadn’t showered in three days from the way your hair was tangled and messily thrown into a ponytail.

“okay” you nodded, smiling softly as he helped you up, handing you some tissues before the two of you headed to do your own things.

You were grateful for steve, he had always been there to check up on you, constantly making sure you were okay. You had basically shut everyone else out, Natasha didn’t really reach out. You didn’t blame her.

You walked out of your room, the smell of pasta hitting your nose and your stomach growled, steve smiled as he set out the two plates.

“tried my best” he mumbled and you shook your head.

“thank you steve” you hugged him tightly and he returned it, letting go after a couple moments so the two of you could eat.

“i saw some whales the other day” you spoke up, “when i was coming up the bridge” steve smiled, glad to know you were leaving the apartment.

“fewer ships, cleaner water” he nodded, “might tell Nat, I’m sure she could use some good news” you nodded.

The two of you ate in silence, watching your favorite show as you did. Steve stayed for a bit longer before heading back to the compound. He hugged you tightly and you held onto him.

“promise you’ll reach out” steve pleaded and you nodded, “I’ll try” he smiled at your words, it was a start.

It hadn’t even been an hour when steve was calling you again, you rolled your eyes as you answered the phone.

“steve im not crying i swear” you joked, a small smile on your face.

“you have to get to the compound” he spoke in a serious tone and your stomach dropped, “scott Lang is here” you felt your heart race.

“wasn’t he- i thought he-” you cut yourself off, moving to get a jacket and your car keys, “I’m on my way.”

When you arrived you rushed towards the living room watching as Scott paced infront of steve and Natasha

As you set next to steve, scott began to ramble, talking about quantum physics and his time i. The quantum realm.

“wait, are you talking about a time machine?” You asked him, and he shook his head.

“no, of course not, it’s like a- yeah a time machine i know it’s crazy but there’s gotta be a way” scott mumbled.

“Scott, i get emails from a raccoon, nothing sounds crazy anymore” you smiled at natashas comment.

“so who do we talk about this?” Scott asked nervously, you and steve looked at each other for a second.

Tony.

The four of you approached the cabin, your heart heavy as your eyes land on tony. You knew how much he wanted to just stay out of everything, he was happy for once, he was with his soulmate, he had a family.

“we know what it sounds like” Scott spoke as he finished explaining his plan.

You were quiet as tony and steve talked, Scott joining in when he mentioned his plan of a time heist.

“we can bring everyone back” Natasha reasoned and tony scoffed a little. “Or we could make things worse” he stated and you shifted. The four bickered for a while longer before you spoke up.

“Tony, we have to take a stand” his eyes landed on you and his gaze softened a bit.

“we did stand, and yet here we are” he spoke sharply.

“i know you got a lot on the line, a wife, a daughter, but i lost someone very importantly me, a lot of people did-” you zoned out as Scott spoke, your eyes resting on the lake and watching as the water moved slowly.

“Mommy told me to come and save you!” Morgan smiled as Tony picked her up. You smiled at the pair.

“good job, I’m saved” tony smiled at her, he turned to you guys before sighing, “i wish you’d come to ask for something else, i missed you guys” his eyes were soft and he spoke sincerely.

“I’m happy for you, i really am. But this is a second chance” steve pleaded and tony replied quickly, “i got my second chance right here.”

“Aunt y/n!” Morgan smiled as her eyes landed on you, wiggling out of her dads grasp as she ran to hug you.

“hi little stark” you smiled, picking her up with ease and carrying her on your hip.

Tony smiled at you as the steve and Natasha looked at you in confusion.

“i visit, I’m not a horrible person” you mumbled, you knew steve would have some choice words for you later.

“If you don’t talk shop, you can stay for lunch” tony spoke up, the others sighed, walking towards the car.

You set Morgan down, telling her to head inside. You gave Tony a hug, “I’ll visit soon, just haven’t been feeling the best” you mumbled and he rubbed your back.

“you always have a room here y/n” he smiled softly and you nodded, waving goodbye before going the other three in the car.

“we’re gonna need a big brain” steve spoke, Scott looked at him in disbelief.

“bigger than his?” Scott questioned and you rolled your eyes, knowing you would be seeing Bruce soon.

“can you drop me off at home actually?” you spoke up, steve looking at you for a moment before nodding, driving to your apartment building. You got out quickly and said goodbye, “let me know what you guys find” steve, Natasha and Scott nodded, wishing you goodnight.

The cold New York air nipped at your skin as you rushed up your stairs, holding your jacket tightly as you fumbled with your key and let yourself in, sighing when you closed the door.

You changed into your pajamas quickly, brushing your teeth before grabbing the notebook and your pen on your nightstand and sliding into bed. You flipped to the next empty page as you began to write.

hi james,

today was okay, steve came over and found me crying. he stayed and made dinner, he’s been taking care of me for a while now, i feel kinda guilty.

You continued to write into the journal, letting all your feelings pour out into the page. As you finished for the night you clicked you pen and set them on your nightstand. You had finished all the pages in the notebook already. With a sigh you got up from your bed, grabbing the small notebook and placing it on the floor as you reached for a container under your bed.

You reached for the lid and opened it, there were numerous other notes book, you placed the one you had just written in next to your last one, closing the lid and sliding it back under your bed.

For the past five years you’ve been writing to bucky, it helped you stay somewhat sane. If he ever came back you didn’t want him to feel left out, you wanted to make sure he felt like he didn’t miss those five years of your life. You wanted him to be there. Your hands fiddled with the dog tags as you laid on your side.

You needed him to be here with you.

The next morning you woke up to a call from steve, with fuzzy vision your answered the phone, bringing it to your ear.

“hello?” You mumbled and steve spoke quickly, your eyes widened as he spoke.

“tony found a way” was all you needed to hear to have you scrambling to get ready.

“be there in 30” you rushed out, a smile on your face. You felt hope blossoming in your chest, thoughts of the picnic with bucky flooded your mind as you got ready.

You were going to get him back. You were going to be together.

You ran into the compound as smiled at those around you, rocket looked at you in shock when you smiled at him.

“didn’t know she did that” he remarked and Scott looked at him equally as shocked.

“Steve! Tony!” You beamed, crashing into them and taking them into a group hug. You let out a sigh of happiness.

“Is it true? Can we actually get them back?” Your eyes shined and tony found his heart growing, it had been so long since you had been happy.

“we have a shot kid” he nodded, “Clint just tried it out and it worked,” your smile grew, throwing your arms around him as everyone gathered into the room

“well what are we waiting for? Let’s plan this heist!” You smiled, looking at everyone and steve nodded.

You listened as everyone spoke, sharing their knowledge on the stones. You sat next to Natasha who was taking notes, glancing over at them your gears turned, speaking up as they talked about Stephen Strange.

“he lived in New York?” You questioned and they nodded, Tony rolling his eyes at you, “are you paying attention?”

“if you pick the right year there’s three stones in New York” you replied quickly, everyone looking at you in surprise.

Not long after your realization there was finally a formulated plan. You were nervous, excited and hopeful. You were going to get everyone back, you were going to get bucky back.

“Six stones, three teams, one shot” you mumbled, everyone nodding as you looked at the plan you had come up with steve and tony.

“I’ll stay behind just in case, you all know what you’re doing and ive been out of the loop so” you trailed off and they nodded.

“you already did enough, i mean you came up with the whole plan” tony scoffed and you smiled at him.

“you guys got this” you encouraged them, natasha smiling at you. Without hesitating you pulled the three in for a hug, squeezing tightly before letting go.

“okay, go kick some ass” you smiled.

The team filed onto the time machine and you waited by the buttons, looking for steve signal.

“see you in a minute” natasha called out to you and you waved goodbye, pressing the buttons and holding your breath and they all shrunk and disappeared from your sight.

It was only a minute later when they all appeared, you smiled as you ran up to them, quickly doing a headcount. Your stomach fell when you saw Natasha was missing.

“Clint wheres nat” you asked quietly, voice shaking. He didn’t reply. You stumbled back, teary eyed as you walked out.

You looked at the lake, steve, Tony, thor, Clint and Bruce gathered around you.

“do we know if she had any family?” Tony asked and you scoffed.

“us” steve spoke up and Thor looked at them confused.

“you’re acting like she’s dead, why are we acting like she’s dead?” Thor spoke up, his voice growing louder and you winced as he continued, Clint soon jumping in and arguing with him. The two men shouted and you let your tears fall silently, steve noticed and wrapped an arm around you, pulling you into his chest.

“she’s not coming back” Bruce mumbled quietly.

“we have to make it worth it” you spoke up, wiping your tears and standing up.

“we will” steve spoke, getting up after you did.

“the what are we waiting for” you looked at them with a small smile, squeezing Clint’s arm before walking past him and into the lab.

You waited anxiously for them to finish the gauntlet, jumping up when rocket walked in with it in hand.

“who’s gonna snap their freaking fingers?” Thor spoke up, immediately volunteering.

“no Thor, wait a second” you stopped him, everyone else protesting his actions.

“what we’re just waiting for the right opportunity?” He huffed and Scott spoke up.

“we should at least discuss it”

Thor nodded his head, speaking up again, “I’m the strongest avenger this is my responsibility, it’s my duty” you were quick to stop him.

“it’s not about that” you spoke gently. He furrowed his brows and turned to look at you angrily.

“stop it! Just let me!” You could see the tears in his eyes, “let me do something good, something right”

Tony explained to him the power the stones had, trying to reason for him to not do it. Thor argued right back before Bruce cut him off, explaining how it almost killed thanos when he snapped and how no one else could survive it.

“how do you know you will?” Steve asked cautiously.

“it’s mainly gamma, it’s like i was made for this” he whispered as everyone moved back you noticed Nebula was missing.

Bruce’s grunts of pain made you focus back onto him, “are you okay? talk to me!” You screamed, frantic as he yelled in pain.

“I’m okay!” He spoke fighting against the pain and snapping his fingers, you held your breath as he did so, your heartbeat thumping in your ears.

You looked out the window and saw two birds, a smile on your face as you realized it had worked. Clint had a smile on his face as he answered a call, “honey, honey!” He spoke.

You turned to tell the team it had worked, but before you could you were blasted away by missiles, the compound crumbling underground.

You groaned as you heard rocket calling out for her, you and Rhodey doing your best to free him. Finally he wiggled free, the three of you sighing before your eyes went wide. A flood of water washing over the three of you as you panicked.

Rhodey called for help and you heard Scott on the other end. You kept your head up high, trying to not drown, rocket clung onto you as Bruce tried to hold the structure up.

“see you on the other side” Rhodey spoke and you geared up shaking your head.

“Hang on! I’m coming!” Scott yelled and you tried your best to stay above water, Rhodey struggling next to you as rocket clung onto your back.

Before you knew it you were clinging onto Scott as he turned into giant man, Rocket continued to Clint onto you and Rhodey held on for fear life.

Scott placed you and rocket down, you spotted the wakandans next to you and ran towards them, smiling as you saw t’challa and shuri amongst them.

“shuri!” You cried out, hugging her tightly. She handed you a gun and some knives and you quickly strapped them to you. “How’d you know” you smiled and she shrugged.

“you people never seem prepared for battle” she teased and you smiled, standing next to her as you prepared to face thanos’ army.

Your eyes scanned the crowd for bucky, heart beating louder and louder and you couldn’t find him. You ran onto the battlefield with everyone, immediately shooting and fighting the aliens off.

You shot them as fast as you could, but they were quickly surrounding you, grunting as one of them tackled you,

Before you could even think of grabbing a knife it’s body fell limp and you pushed it off you, looking at the bullet wounds.

“hope you haven’t been fighting like that this whole time doll”

You felt your heart drop and your stomach flutter. Bucky.

You turned around quickly, a smile on your face as your eyes met his baby blue one. Your smile grew as you ran towards him, dropping your gun and throwing yourself onto him. He picking you up as you wrapped your legs around his waist, holding you tightly.

“you’re here, you’re back, you’re here” you spoke over and over, tears streaming down your cheeks as you buried your face into the crook of his neck.

“I’m here doll” he reassured you, holding onto you tightly and closing his eyes for a moment. The sound of an alien screaming made you snap out of your bubble.

You groaned as you picked up your gun, shooting it in the head before turning back to bucky, you smiled at him before crashing your lips onto his. He smiled into the kiss, leaning in for a second before the two of you pulled away.

“been waiting five years to do that” you spoke breathless and bucky smiled at you.

“after this you can kiss me all you want sweets” he spoke and you giggled, moving to press your backs against one another, shooting at the aliens.

You thought back to wakanda, how familiar it all was. But this time you would win. This time it was your last fight, you would win and you could go home with bucky. You could be with your soulmate.

You watched as the other tossed the gauntlet around, trying to keep it away from thanos.

“Bucky we have to go help them!” You called out and he nodded, the two of you running towards where steve, Thor and tony were, helping fend off the aliens attacking them.

You saw thanos get the gauntlet and you felt you blood run cold, you froze in your spot. Please, not again. You turned to bucky, dropping your weapon as you clung onto him tightly.

“not letting you go again” you mumbled, kissing him before letting go and grabbing a knife from your suit and running towards the titan.

You threw the knife at thanos with all you had, lodging it in his shoulder. He cried out in pain as it stabbed him, giving Tony the chance to attack him once more, pulling the gauntlet before Thanos punches him away.

“I am inevitable” thanos spoke, your blood ran cold as he snapped, flinching away when he did. When nothing happened you looked at him once more, a smile on your face as you saw the glove had no stones.

“And i” tony spoke, “am Iron man” he snapped his fingers, the white light blinding you before bucky pulled you into him, shielding you from the light.

As the two of you looked again you saw the aliens fading into dust. You held Buckys hand tightly, your knuckles white. You looked at him in excitement, wrapping your arms around his neck when you realized you had won.

You had won.

Turning quickly you ran to look for tony and steve, the smile falling from your face when you saw peter over Tony’s body.

You ran towards him, falling to your knees next to him.

“tony? no you can’t” you shook your head, tears welling in your eyes and he turned to look at you.

“hey kid, take care of my girls yeah?” He smiled and you shook your head, “you can take care of em you have to hold on a bit longer” you protested.

“always told you that you had one hell of a throw” he chuckled dryly, “‘ts what helped me get the stones” he smiled gently and you broke down into tears, “you have him now, you’ll be okay” he whispered.

Bucky pulled you aside, letting pepper speak to tony. You cried into Buckys chest, not knowing what would happen to you if you looked back.

It happened so fast.

You were in a black dress outside the cottage you had visited countless time. You didn’t imagine the next time you visited would be for Tony’s funeral.

Bucky held your hand, his thumb making small circles on the back of your hand to calm you down. You could help but lean into him, his presence relaxing you immediately.

You smiled fondly as you thought back to the time tony tried to talk you into breaking up with bucky one time after you came back from wakanda. You knew he was joking but he still felt a little bad, buying you dinner as compensation

As the service ended you followed bucky, steve and Sam to the time machine where Bruce waited.

You stood next to bucky as steve said goodbye to Sam, walking up to you guys next.

“Don’t do anything stupid ‘til i get back” steve spoke and bucky smiled.

“how can i? you’re taking all the stupid with you” the hugged tightly for a bit before pulling apart.

“gonna miss you buddy” bucky sighed and steve looked at him softly.

“it’s gonna be okay buck” he turned to you.

“bye steve” you let out softly, bottom lip quivering. He hugged you tightly, kissing your temple softly.

“you’re still gonna be my favorite best friend” he spoke softly and you smiled, letting out a soft chuckle before sniffling.

“you finally have him back y/n, you’re gonna be happy, i promise” you nodded and hugged him one more time, knowing it would be the last time.

As he stepped into the time machine you melted into Buckys side, he put an arm around you and kissed the top of your head.

Steve vanished as he went to return the stones, seconds later Bruce signaled to bring him back, but he didn’t appear.

“where is he?” Sam spoke, worry lacing his voice.

“I don’t know he blew right past his time stamp, he should be here” Bruce panicked and you and bucky looked around your eyes landing Onondaga older version of him sitting on a log.

You nudged bucky as you heard sam and Bruce arguing.

“sam” you called out, looking at him before back at steve. Sam walked towards you cautiously as you pointed at steve.

“go ahead” bucky spoke to the man, the two of you smiled at sam as he approached steve.

You and bucky smiled as steve handed sam the shield. A grin on your face as he put the shield on his arm.

“he’s gonna be a great captain america” bucky smiled fondly and you nodded. “Steve made the right choice” you added.

The two of you walked away hand in hand, getting into your car and heading back to your apartment. Bucky settled in quickly, sitting on your couch and pulling you down with him, a small squeal leaving your lips as your back crashed onto his chest.

“missed you so much buck” you mumbled, wiggling so that you could cuddle into him, leaving open mouthed kisses on his neck and onto his jawline.

“i missed you too doll” he whispered, kissing you softly, his hand moving to the back of your neck. He pulled away when he pinky felt the familiar chain of his dog tags, hooking it onto his pinky and pulling them out from under your shirt.

“you kept them?” He looked at you teary eyed and you nodded, heart racing.

“they were the only thing left of you, course i did” you smiled, taking them off and placing them onto him, fixing them so that they laid on his chest.

“that reminds me!” You smiled, getting off of him and running to your room, pulling the bin from under your bed and carrying it towards bucky.

“i- uh- when you were gone i wrote in these journals almost everyday, to kinda keep you up to date for when you got back” you smiled sheepishly and bucky felt his heart grow in his chest.

“you never lost faith?” He questioned, he could hear his heartbeat in his ears. You shook your head.

“sometimes i wanted to” you mumbled, holding his hand in yours, “but you never took me on a picnic so i wasnt letting you go so easily” you pouted and he smiled, kissing you.

The two of you smiled into the kiss, giggling and he peppered kisses all over your face.

“I’m your forever y/n y/l/n” bucky whispered, his forehead resting against yours. You felt your heart rate speed up, your stomach full of butterflies. Closing your eyes as you relished the moment.

“and I’m yours forever bucky barnes” you kissed him softly before opening your eyes, the two of you pulling away a bit.

You reached out and caressed his cheek, you smiled at each other. You finally had your soulmate, and you had forever together.

[beckysworld7]

The Naughty Shop - JHS

Summary: You and your friends finally get the courage to explore the Naughty Shop and find out exactly what's inside.

Pairing: Roommate!Hobi x reader

Rating: M / 18+ / NSFW

Genre: snowed in Christmas au, roommates au, c childhood f2l au, smut,

Warnings: mentions of drinking, thigh riding, fingering, size kink, blindfolds, whips, handcuffs, overstimulation, double penetration, plugs, vibrator, nipple clamps, cock ring, suctions in the form of a male pump, oral f receiving, unprotected sex (wrap it B4 you tap it), slightly Dom!Hobi, Elf!Hobi

Word count: ~4.6k

Part of the:

❅ Holiday in Handcuffs

❅ hosted by @BangtanBathhouse event!

(Holiday in Handcuffs board choices: B1-C1, E1-F1, D2, C3-D3, H3, B4, F4-H4, I5, A6-A7, D6-D7, B7, C9-D9, H10-J10.

A/n: Hope you enjoy it! Don't forget to check out some of the other amazing fanfics in the event! Happy Holidays!!! (Not beta read and barely edited lol Sorry please forgive me! I was kind pressed for time with this one. Lol ) and I promised to tag @yoon2k and @sugasbabiie when it was finished. Thanks for the support y'all!!! 💜💜💜

***************************************************

All the paths in the North Pole are lined with brightly colored twinkling lights, candy cane fences and red brick roads. All the paths except for one, the one leading off to The Naughty Shop.

This shop, located just slightly outside of town, is hands down the least festive building in the North Pole. Access to the shop is restricted. Which is probably what lends to the unwelcoming atmosphere surrounding it, that and it's decayed looking exterior.

Faded red paint is chipped off in areas and exposes the old wooden planks beneath it. Thick layers of frost coat the windows making it impossible to see inside. A rusted sign, reading The Naughty Shop, hangs loosely by the one remaining hook over the doorway. A few randomly scattered white lights flicker around the perimeter and hang down from the warped awning.

Standing at the edge of the path where the lights from town stop and the dark dirt path toward the shop begins, you glance over at your fellow Elf friends hoping to see that you aren't the only one thinking tonight's adventure is a bad idea.

The 11 of you, a mix of both male and female Elves, had decided last night to finally find out exactly what was in the "restricted" Naughty Shop. You all had been out having drinks as "Of Age Elves", the last of your friends having finally turned 21 that day.

For years you and your friends had thrown around jokes and theories as to what it could contain. Many of you thought the shop only processed the blocks and lumps of coal that were to be given out as presents to people on Santa's famous Naughty List.

During one discussion of the shop, Hobi pointed out that if the shop only had coal inside then they wouldn't need to have all those restrictions in place. You tended to agree with him. He had been your childhood bff and your roommate. Plus he was usually right.

Jin, Hobi's older brother, however, countered that since coal wasn't exactly healthy to breathe in, the shop's restricted status actually made sense. Safety is a pretty big deal in the North Pole.

That particular discussion had left your group divided over the years as to what the shop contained. And so, while out toasting the birthday Elf, Kookie, with champagne last night the conversation about the Naughty Shop resurfaced once again. After much debate, you had all agreed to sneak into the Naughty Shop to investigate and finally answer the question once and for all.

Thankful that you'd chosen to wear a heavier Santa hat tonight instead of your usual thin Elf hat, you pull it down to keep your ears warm as snow begins to fall. As someone who isn't exactly big on adventure or getting into trouble, you already know you're not going to be the one to get tonight's adventure started. You wait for someone to say something or make a move.

In all honesty, you're surprised that you had even agreed to come. If it hadn't been for Hobi's teasing you and calling you a chicken last night you'd be home preparing for tomorrow's Ugly Sweater Contest. This traditional celebration contest was held to mark the finish of the gift making season and the start of the gift sorting season.

As much as you hated getting into trouble, you disliked being called a chicken even more. And so you find yourself here tonight with Hobi and the rest of your friends, most likely about to get into trouble.

"I think Jin should go in first," Kookie's voice breaks the silence, prompting everyone to turn in his direction.

"He's the oldest," he continues on before looking back down at the ground with a shrug.

Everyone turns to look at Jin expectantly, including you.

Jin shrugs in response, a bit hesitant before replying, "I'm not the one that's convinced there is something other than coal in there." You could tell by his unusually quiet tone that he was afraid to go in and had chosen to deflect the suggestion, hoping no one would notice it.

"Ahhhmm," you clear your throat to get everyone's attention. "Maybe our group leader Namjoon will once again guide us," you offer.

"Or Suga," Tae and Jimin both chime in at the same time. Their simultaneous suggestions send Tiana, Lena, and Jessie into a fit of giggles.

"Ok," Namjoon speaks up. "Come on, let's get in and out before this snow gets too bad. It's starting to come down pretty heavy."

With that he takes off walking toward the infamous shop.

***************************************************

The old wooden door creaks on its hinges as it slowly swings open. The sound echoes through the semi empty building. Scattered throughout the one room building are chairs and tables coated with fine layers of coal dust. A large bag of charcoal sits next to each table. Boxes for presents and ribbon are on a shelf along the back wall. The whole scene suggests that this is indeed where they wrap the naughty charcoal gifts.

"This can't really be all there is," Hobi exclaims, stepping further into the room.

Jin chuckles beside you. "I told you Hobi."

"Nah," Hobi responds as he continues to look through the room. "There must be something else. Let's look around some more."

The wind and snow are coming down harder, prompting you to agree for the sake of getting out of the cold.

"It couldn't hurt to look more," you say, stepping to the side to let everyone else through the door before closing it.

The girls take seats on the far side of the room while the rest of you stand in a small semi circle in the center. You stare at your feet as the guys talk among themselves about who was right and who was wrong. Between the cracks of the floor boards you notice slithers of light shining through.

"Wait wait!," Your outburst causes the conversation to stop. "There's a basement or something. Look, there's light shining through the floor."

"Oh shit! You're right Y/n," Hobi exclaims, equally excited. "We have to find the entrance. It has to be around here somewhere."

Everyone begins searching. There are no obvious doors present. Scanning the floor for differences you note a metal ring laying oddly under a table. You walk over to it. The sound of you pushing the table to the side draws everyone's attention.

"It's a trap door!" Jin speaks up. His voice is full of anticipation as he continues speaking. "Looks like you might be right, Hobi. They are hiding something down there"

Luckily there's no lock present on the trap door and it easily lifts open. Light fills the room from below.

"Should we explore," Namjoon asks.

"Isn't that why we are here!" Hobi replies excitedly. Everyone else nods in agreement.

Jungkook is the first to start down the steps. He's followed by Namjoon, Hobi, Jin, Jimin, Suga, Tae, the girls, and finally you. As you come to a stop at the bottom of the last step you bump into Tae who stands frozen where he's stopped.

"Excuse me," you say politely, stepping past him.

You come to a full stop as your field of vision clears and you see what's being stored in the secret underground room of the Naughty Shop.

Tables and shelves are neatly arranged in aisles from one end of the room to the other. The underground area is much larger than the one above. On the tables and shelves, in brightly colored packaging, are different varieties of adult novelty toys.

You can't take your eyes off of all of it. Some things you're familiar with, like the dildos and vibrators. Others have you puzzled.

You notice how no one has said a word yet. You begin to giggle. You can't help it. It's not that you're laughing at the content of the room, but rather instead laughing at everyone's shocked expression.

"I thought," you begin through the giggles. "I thought you'd be excited to be right about the shop, Hobi."

He turns looking at you. His expression morphing from shocked to a mischievous one.

"Oh, I'm very happy I'm right," he smiles at you. Grabbing you by the hand, he pulls you alongside him and begins walking down one of the nearby aisles. "Let's explore."

You're excited and nervous as you walk down the aisle hand in hand with Hobi. You'd had a crush on your roommate for quite a while, and now being here with him around all these toys your imagination is going wild.

You wonder what he'd like. Did he have any kinks? You were sure he wasn't vanilla from some of the sounds you'd heard coming from his room across the hall from yours during the years you'd spent together as roommates. You smile as you think of the toys he could use on you if only you'd be brave enough to let him.

"What are you smiling about?" The sound of Hobi's voice brings you out of your thoughts and back to reality.

You blush as you shake your head to indicate you'd had nothing on your mind.

"Y/n, were you having dirty thoughts about me," he teases.

You are unable to hide your reaction to his question and decide to avoid it all by walking faster, quickly turning down another aisle leading deeper into the building and further away from everyone else. As you continue walking you accidentally bump a toy on the shelf and knock it to the floor. It's a teddy bear dressed in black silk lingerie and it's fall has activated it. Suddenly "All I Want for Christmas is You" begins playing. You stoop down and pick it up looking for a way to silence it. Having finally caught back up to you, Hobi places a hand on your back to steady you as you stand back up.

"You know, Y/n," he addresses you. "I do want you. And I'm beginning to think you want me too."

After sitting the bear on the shelf you turn to face him. You're about to deny wanting him but the look you see in his eyes has you fumbling for words. You'd never seen him look at you this way before, a combination of desire and something dark in his gaze.

He uses the hand on your back to pull you closer to him. With your body pressed up against his, you can feel his bulge pressing into you. Your breath catches in your throat as you gaze up at him. You suddenly feel timid in his presence. He notices and decides to take the lead. He grabs you by the hand and leads you deeper into the building toward a closed off section you hadn't noticed before. A separate room lay behind a closed door marked Deluxe Items.

He opens it and leads you in then closes the door behind the two of you. You turn around looking at the items in the room. Stored here are the higher priced toys all in similar black and gold boxes.

He walks past you into the room and takes a seat on a nearby chair. He crooks his finger indicating he wants you to come to him. As you walk over to him, you notice him smirking. He pats his right thigh.

"Sit here."

You sit down facing him and place your hands on his shoulders. He doesn't hesitate to pull you closer and kiss you. The kiss is a slow one. A delicious one that you feel in your core. You feel yourself getting wet and as the kiss continues he grabs your hips and begins rocking you back and forth on his thigh. The motion stimulates your clit and has you moaning into the kiss. Wanting more, you begin riding his thigh harder, rocking your hips on your own. You can feel your wetness soaking through your panties and you're sure his pants are now wet from your juices too.

He breaks the kiss and whispers into your ear, "I want you to pick something. Or a few things if you'd like."

You're about to ask him what he means, but he answers you before you have a chance to ask.

"Y/n pick something you'd like me to pleasure you with." It wasn't a question. You could tell from his tone you were expected to obey.

"Ok," you answer, hiding your face from him by resting it on his shoulder. You're embarrassed and excited and sure that he'll see it. A hard smack on your ass causes you to jump and look up at him.

"Sir," he replies to your puzzled look in a tone that makes your core clench. "It's 'Yes Sir' Y/n".

You've never seen him like this before and it excites you.

"Yes Sir," you reply immediately, although you're tempted to disobey just to get another smack on the ass.

Hobi follows behind you as you begin walking through the aisles. You notice from time to time he reaches up and grabs an item from the shelves, but when you turn to see what it is he already has it placed behind his back.

There's a huge variety of toys back here. Some you're familiar with and others you aren't. You decide to ask Hobi about the ones you're less familiar with.

"Cock rings and penis pumps, Sir?" You ask looking back at him.

"They make the penis larger. We won't need any of those," he smirks.

As you continue walking down the aisle you can't help but smile at his confidence. But then you remember the feel of his bulge pressing up against you and know he's right. The man felt like he's huge! That train of thought sparks some inspiration. You backtrack to a previous aisle, the one with the vibrators, dildos and plugs. You know he's going to stretch you out, you're looking forward to it. But still you don't want it to hurt too much.

A vibrator would be good for helping you get ready to take him, you think to yourself with a smile. You grab a plug too, just in case. You look back over your shoulder at him, wanting to gauge his reaction to your choices but he remains silent, no readable expression on his face. The realization that you really want to please and be pleased by him hits you hard. You hope you're making choices that will.

Turning down another aisle you're surprised to find a row of lingerie.

"Sir, what's your favorite color?" you ask quietly.

"Green," he replies, this time you can hear a hint of excitement in his voice.

You smile as you begin looking through the selection. It doesn't take long for you to find a green babydoll teddy set in your size. You add it to your selection along with the vibrator and plug and continue on. At the end of the aisle you find sleep masks that could double as blindfolds and quickly select a matching green one.

A soft moan sounds from behind you and it encourages you to keep looking for more things. Your final section of a pair of fuzzy green handcuffs.

"I think this is it Sir," you say as you turn to him, becoming shy once again.

He smiles at you while caressing your cheek with one hand.

"Go change," he commands, taking the plug, vibrator and handcuffs from your hands. He walks over to a table and rests against it, waiting.

***************************************************

The teddy set fits perfectly. It hugs you in all the right places and accents your full hips, plush ass, and plump tits. Its see through lace fabric leaves nothing to the imagination. You hold the green blindfold in your hands as you exit your makeshift dressing aisle.

Hobi is still standing at the table where you'd last seen him. The table has been cleared of its previous items and now only holds the ones that both he and you have selected. You note that in addition to your choices he's added nipple clamps and a long thin whip that looks like a riding crop.

"Come here Baby Doll," he calls to you, his voice almost a whisper and yet it holds a sternness to it. It's the first time he's ever called you anything other than your name and you're sure the choice is inspired by your choice of lingerie.

Your hands fidget with the mask as you approach him. He holds out a hand for you to take and pulls you flush with his body when you grab it. Your hands are resting on his chest and for the first time you can feel how truly muscular he is. It causes you to shudder in his arms.

"It's ok Baby Doll," he begins, mistaking the cause of your shudder for fear. " We don't have to do anything you don't want to."

"No, Sir. It's not that. It's the opposite," you reply, still a bit shy. "I'm ummm, well a bit nervous and also excited." You finally manage to stammer out.

Your response earns you one of his brightest smiles.

"Well in that case Baby Doll, pick a safe word."

Your familiar with the term and quickly come up with one you think will work.

"Sour."

He laughs at your choice and nods in agreement.

"Sour it is. Baby Doll, promise me you'll use it if things get to be too much."

"Yes Sir," you reply immediately. "I will."

You don't think Hobi would ever hurt you intentionally but him having taken the time to consider this puts you at ease and you relax even more into his embrace.

"Kiss me," he demands as he picks you up and turns you so that you're now seated on the table.

You lean into him as your lips connect with his. He pulls you closer to the edge of the table so that he's between your legs firmly pressed against your core. As the kiss continues his hands find your ass and he begins to massage it though the thin fabric of the teddy. His hands feel wickedly good on you and you moan into the kiss, rocking your wet core into the bulge you feel pressing into you.

Breaking the kiss he begins kissing a trail down down your neckline past your collarbone and stops at your breast. He takes one already perk nipple into his mouth through the fabric. The sensation of his warm tongue and the fabric are driving you wild and you rock your hips even harder into him. You can feel yourself almost dripping at this point with want.

"So greedy," he mumbles. "I have something for that."

You feel him reach out behind you and grab something.

"Let's try this," he says, taking the nipple clamps out of the packaging. "I have a feeling you'll like these."

The bite of the first clamp closing around your nipple causes you to suck in your breath. But it soon fades into a delicious low ache, one that mirrors the desire pooling within you. You smile encouragingly at Hobi with a slight nod letting him know you're ok as he places the second clamp. With both of them in place he stands back to look at his work.

"So beautiful.." he mumbles. It's then that you notice that green orbs hang from the ends of each clamp. You wiggle a little causing them to sway at your movement.

Instead of laughing like you thought he would, his eyes seem to grow a bit darker.

"Turn around Baby Doll. Teasing will not be tolerated."

You watch as he reaches for the riding crop. You feel your core clench as you work out what's to come next. You hop down off the table and turn around, bending over it full of anticipation. Before you have the chance to wonder if you'll be able to handle it you feel the sharp sting of the crop bite into your cheek just above your thigh causing you to jump and swear.

"Fuck Hobi!" you yell out reflexively.

"Hobi," he questions from behind as he runs his fingertips across the stinging area. The mix of sensations short circuits your brain for a moment.

"I mean Sir," you finally manage.

"Much better," he replies. But there's no humor or amusement in his voice. "I think that earns you 10 lashes. Do you think you can take 10 Baby Doll?"

If someone had told you that you'd be asking for this one day you would have laughed in their face, but now, after the first strike and subsequent caress, you want more.

"Yes Sir, I deserve 10," you answer, voice almost pleading.

You can tell you've done good by the hum of his approval and grace of his fingers across your clit through the fabric of the thong. You can't help but arch toward him wanting even more.

"So greedy. My Baby Doll is so beautifully greedy… and naughty." With that last word you feel the sting of the crop against your skin again. "Count them out."

"One Sir," you whimper. This time there are no soothing caresses to follow, instead you feel another deliciously painful wack. "Two Sir."

The two of you continue on in this manner until you're panting out of breath and at ten.

"Ten Sir," you sigh out as you slump against the table.

Again like the first time you feel his fingertips trace soothing patterns across your still stinging flesh. It takes a moment before you realize he's tracing the words "baby doll" across your skin. Your heart swells at the nicknames use in such an intimate moment.

"Precious Baby Doll, you did so well for me," he compliments you. "Now let me reward you for being such a good girl. Turn around."

You follow his command, turning around so that your back is now against the table. He reached up and lowers the blindfold down over your eyes.

Hobi gets down on his knees in front of you and lifts a leg over each shoulder, exposing your drenched thong clad core to him.

"So wet," he mumbles, in a sing song voice as he pulls the thong to the side and runs a finger from your sensitive nub down your dripping slit. He doesn't pause a moment more before leaning in and taking your clit into his mouth.

"Oh god!" You yell out at the sensation.

He chuckles into your folds before continuing to torture you with his tongue.

"Your taste is addicting Baby Doll," he compliments you.

You feel your orgasm rushing toward you and wonder briefly if you'll be allowed to cum. But just as you are about to he pulls away and slides a finger into you instead.

"Not yet," he smiles up at you darkly, letting you know that he could tell how close you were.

His finger slides into you easily although you hadn't expected it to fill you up this much. You bite your lip and moan. He works his finger in and out of you slowly. His other hand begins rubbing your clit in circles.

"More Sir, please," you beg, completely unashamed of your growing need to come.

The hand that was rubbing your clit reaches up and grabs something from off the table. Turning it on he rubs it up and down your folds getting it wet with your juices. It's the vibrator! Each time it passes over you clit your whole body shudders.

"Sir, please," you beg again.

Hobi begins slowly working the vibrators tip inside you. Your legs shake on their perch atop his shoulders. You try thrusting toward the vibrator but find yourself frustratingly unable to.

"Tell me what you want Baby Doll," he encourages as he continues working the vibrator in and out of you. You're getting closer to cumming and he can tell.

"Please make me cum Sir."

You expect him to quicken his piece with the vibrator but instead he removes it completely.

"Sir," you cry out in a pleading question.

He removes your legs from his shoulder and stands up before finally answering.

"Turn around Baby Doll, I want you from behind."

Your knees almost buckle at his order but you hurry to comply. He removes your thong sliding it down off of you leaving you only in the teddy itself.

Back arched and ass facing him you let out a sigh of contentment as you feel him run the length of his chock through your wet folds.

"Please," you beg again, earning you a chuckle and light slap on the ass before he slowly starts to enter you.

You're thankful now that he'd used the vibrator first as you feel yourself stretch around him.

"Oh god," you call out for the second time tonight as he bottoms out deep inside you.

Spreading your ass cheeks apart he begins to fuck you, fast and hard. Each stroke hits deep inside you, making your head spin with pleasure.

"Oh. My. God. Sir," you manage to cry each word between relentlessly deep strokes.

You feel something pushing at your mouth and, being blindfolded, it takes you a moment to realize it's the plug you'd chosen earlier.

"Open up and get it wet," is all he says as he continues fucking you from behind.

You do as he says, opening your mouth and coating the plug in your spit.

"I'm going to make you my dirty baby doll tonight," he says as he removes the plug from your mouth and positions it at the entrance of your other hole.

He slows his speed before speaking again.

"What's your safe word Baby Doll," he asks.

"It's sour," you reply immediately.

Hobi takes this as a sign you're ready and begins slowly inserting the plug into your ass. The stretch stings a bit at first, but the pleasure and fullness of both him and it inside you soon outweigh it. Once it's all the way in the fullness you feel is like nothing you've ever felt before.

Hobi senses you body's adjustment and begins fucking you deep and hard again. Each stroke goes deep inside of you and at the same time pushes at the plug. You feel like you're being fucked twice and it's about to push you over the edge.

"Sir I'm so close," you moan.

"Then cum for me Baby Doll," he replies as he reaches around and begins massaging your clit, never slowing his pace.

Your orgasm hits you hard and your knees begin to buckle from the force of it. Hobi pushes you down into the table to steady you as he continues to play with you clit and fuck you through your orgasm.

It's all too much. The still in place nipple clamps scrape against the table sending jolts through you. The finger on your sensitive clit sends waves through you with its continued movement. The plug continues to be rocked inside of you with his every thrust. You walls continue to clench and spasm around both his cock and the plug.

"Sir!!!" You cry out as another orgasm begins to hit you immediately following the first. Your whole body convulses under him.

"Stay with me Baby Doll," he encourages, knowing you're probably overstimulated. You feel him thrust one final time deep inside of you, spilling his seed.

"Baby Doll!" He yells out, voice deeper and more guttural than you've ever heard it.

It takes a moment for you both to recover and another moment longer to remove the plug, the nipple clamps and finally the blindfold.

"You did so well Baby Doll," he says proud as he pulls you into his arms.

You're about to reply when a knock sounds on the door interrupting you.

"Are you guys back here," a voice asks. It's Jin. "Hey if you can hear me we have to leave now or we'll be snowed in!"

You look over at Hobi and find he's returning your gaze. You smile up at him and nod your agreement to stay behind.

In unison you both reply, "That's fine with us."

"After all," you continue, you voice lower and intended for Hobi's ears only, "we still haven't used the handcuffs."