#if only i had that kind of motivation for my hw lol

[aashiyancha]

Monster Hunts can get weird

*Vivi is the wind Dragon (kinda like Eliza, Ares can converse with the farm dragons too so he knows their names)

[corninmayy33]

Omg smt freaking embarassing happened to me I was ASHAMED

no more like freaking humiliated 😭😭

I was on that vacation, and I was eating a loooot (the only reason I didn't gain weight is bc we were walking all day long) and I rlly had no idea of my weight and was soooo scared of going back to my hw or even higher

And I met a few guys there who I became kinda friends with and I don't remember how but they ended up all saying their weights so I said mine and one guy (ngl I kinda have a strong crush on him, which makes what's coming even worse) asked if he could lift me up 👽

I kind of didn't rlly want to cuz I wasn't even sure of mt weight but he did anyways

AND YALL HE STRUGGLED TO LIFT ME UP

And then he said " aint no way you're 39 kg"

I swear I almost cried.

And this mf wasn't even right I didn't gain ???

But anyways that motivated me lol

[elfyourmother]

Do you consider yourself a lore breaking, lore bending or lore adhering roleplayer? Does this adherence to lore depend on the kind of lore you're exploring with your characters; i.e. you play fast and loose with ideas xiv has yet to develop, but you tend to pay close attention to the fleshed out ideals? Is there lore you have modified that you're proud of and would share here?

I view lore as a starting point for me to jump off from and make my own. Always have.

I find strict adherence to game canon for its own sake creatively suffocating and always have, in every setting I've ever written in. It’s pretty much entirely because I grew up on DMing and writing in Forgotten Realms, which took a very DIY approach back in the day that was heavily encouraged by its creator. Everyone's Realms were equally valid, according to Word of God, and there were often intentional "blanks" left in sourcebooks for the DM to fill. These books emphasized over and over again that the DM was the ultimate authority on canon, not TPTB or the novels or anything else. That philosophy has informed my approach to worldbuilding in the transformative fandom sense for the last 30 years. That and being a queer Black femme of color who is very rarely satisfied by canon narratives rife w racially problematic tropes. I change things to make a space for myself and my characters and the stories I want to tell, by necessity. FFXIV is no different in that respect.

That said, I don't smash SE canon just to smash it either. Despite how bonkershits a lot of Gisèle's canon appears on the surface (eg. post-war Ishgard's constitutional monarchy with King Aymeric), everything I change has been carefully considered and engineered for as much internal consistency as possible. As much as I operate on Rule of Cool, I need things to make sense for me to have fun.

But I am distinctly not a roleplayer, for this and many other reasons. I'm strictly a fic writer, and I don't ever collab with people. The world Gisèle operates in is constructed entirely for her, and my own enjoyment, by design. So no one is forced to deal with my stuff if they don't like it.

That said, King Aymeric is probably the lore I’m most proud of. I wrote a ficlet for ffxivwrite last year on it here, but the cliffs notes: Aymeric invoked the ancient covenant between man and dragon when begging Hraesvelgr’s aid against Nidhogg and vowed he would restore it, but Hraes said that because that covenant was broken by an Elezen king, only an Elezen king could restore it. Hraes was wily though, it wasn’t just upholding weird draconic custom in saying that. His ulterior motive was to make Aymeric guarantee his people would be united enough not to turn on the Dravanians once Nid was handled. the end result is that Aymeric restored the Ishgardian throne (“The Azure Throne”, as a nod to Haldrath), but as a largely unifying figurehead/ceremonial position with Parliament strictly defining the role of the king. Artoirel is Lord Speaker of the House of Lords. Aymeric’s still LC of the temple knights in addition to his royal duties. He wasn’t giving that up lol.

making a constitutional monarchy plausible in the context of the story was challenging and I think I’ve done a solid job of it tbh. I wanted to lean into the Arthurian romance vibes of HW but also solve the fundamental problem I had w how it ended, which is that I don’t think it’s a terribly realistic scenario for ppl who were under a theocracy for 1000 years. Aymeric essentially having his hand forced by Hraesvelgr solves the issue of why he would restore the throne and tbh I don’t flinch from the complications of squaring that with the revelations about Ishgard’s founding, I think it only plays more into Aymeric’s ambivalence about the role he’s been thrust into.

[zoobus]

Is there a piece of media that you absolutely detest? And I do mean detest, like, a movie or book or man(hu/hw/g)a (etc) that when you remember it's existence makes you go fricking ballistic (or the nearest negative emotion).

I've written this essay for at least different platforms but somehow not tumblr. Yes. One of the most popular otome isekais out there no less. And for once I'm going to put this under a cut. I know people browse the otoisekai tag for fun and aren't looking the beating I want to give this manwha. Also because this is a copy-paste-edit of something I wrote months ago on reddit and it's too long. Stale material gets the snip.

I hate The Villainess Lives Twice/Again. I hate it so much. tl;dr don't quadruple amputee your morally black heroine and have her draw a pentagram on a dirty floor with the bloody remains of her tongue in chapter 1 if you're not gonna follow through. I really felt like I was bamboozled into reading what was ultimately a generic contract marriage, saved by the hot duke romance, and I hate it. If you like this comic, don't click this.

I know TVLT is popular. I know it's well-loved and often trotted out as an ur-example of the genre. Why? I'm not really sure.

I hate it because on every single level, for any possible reason I enjoy otoisekai, it fails. All the charms of the genres it attempts end in failure. I hate it for lying about what kind of otome story it intended to be.

The concept? Great. Wonderful. I have a mighty need for writers to fill the gap on villainess characters that are actually villainous. I love otome isekai and stories where they let a girl-boss stay winning? They're the best. Let👏female👏protags👏be👏toxic👏👏👏

And here? Chapter one STARTS with our MC getting taken down for some crime she didn't commit and you know what? She can't even be mad, because what she's accused of pales in comparison to what she's actually done. Chapter one ENDS with our now limbless MC squirming across a filthy floor, dragging the remains of her sliced out tongue to form a pentagram so she can sacrifice herself and turn back time, knowing full well this alone could never atone for the crimes she committed for her own selfish gain.

The execution? oh my god, I hate this comic for hyping me up like that. Every single chapter after had me desperately searching for the potential I saw in the first. A peak into what could have been. But there's nothing. Why is there nothing.

1. Agency

Chapter 1 is essentially MC getting tortured for a wrongful accusation, with her noting the irony of this. She explicitly refuses to apologize or justify her actions. She knows there's no point in doing so. We're presented with a woman who knows there's no excuse for the innocent lives she's destroyed - no sad childhood or miserable backstory can make up for the evil she's puppeteered. She had choices and she chose evil.

Lol jk actually she has a tragic backstory that is vewy sad :,( and we're not saying you should feel sorry for this poor little war criminal lady, but she just wanted her mamma's love!

I can't tell you how much I despise the "cool motive, still murder" meme but it really applies here.

Chapter 2 is a slap in 1's face. After seeing her go to such lengths to own her actions, we get a frustrating and, frankly, confusing recollection of her terrible childhood (they suggest she's being starved, but that doesn't really make sense with other info given; MC doesn't have a lot of clothes but wouldn't that make her ambitious family look...bad? because nobles are always looking for weaknesses and you're intentionally sending a representative of your family name outside looking like a scrub? The emperor passed a law that only married people can have affairs - why?? What does this bizarre piece of law do besides marginalize our MC??? You think you're too good for normal concubines? These aren't spoilers, they're just weird details that add nothing or make things less coherent). Chapter 2 is a long way of saying "I know there's no excuse for what I did, BUT"

2. Dumbass's Machiavelli

Did you assume the mastermind-orchestrator MC would be equally brilliant and manipulative once she returns to the past? lol. It's a 1-2 combo of "plot conveniently happens to MC in a way she could not have planned but we'll pretend she did" and "MC does objectively dumb shit."

An example of the former -

MC walks downstairs, gets randomly slapped for no other reason than she needs a reason to lecture the slapper "you need to get your father's attention in a different way than throwing tantrums at his mistress's house." Said slapper is in her 30/40s with two kids, so uh. If she's still throwing tantrums, I don't see this being a convincing argument.

An example of her doing objectively dumb shit - hey, if you know you're going to the poorest area in the whole empire, why would you roll up in a noble carriage and put your black cloak disguise on after you step out and the beggars have already seen your noble-exclusive golden hair?

I can't even edit this screenshot smaller, you have to see this fucking framing in its entirety:

This fucking screenshot. This FUCKING PAGE. It throws me into fits, it turns me into an incoherent animal because there's SO MUCH bad, it throws off my numbered list format 1 2 3 4 THIS PAGE the depiction of POVERTY before a noblewoman gets PRINCESS CARRIED out of a carriage, complete with the pink glitter background because this is meant to be a ROMANTIC scene for an INTELLIGENT character by a KIND male lead AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES THIS???

3. Fuck the male lead

That's him in that last pic. ML is stated to be the people's Duke, a duke who cares, a duke who is disgusted by the treatment of commoners at the hands of the aristocratic elite. Commoners should receive just as much valor for the efforts as us nobles!

"Riches aren't important," he says that verbatim. We, the reader, should root for his ascension to the throne because he's not like the other noble boys ;^)

He displays his unrelenting commitment to justice and commoners by:

Verbally attacking and embarrassing MC's bully at a party, despite the implausibility of sherlocking enough facts to recognize the bully is in the wrong (side note, I was #teambully - she points out MC has worn the same dress to six parties in a year, not even aware that MC is wearing her filthy clothes from the day before, when she was out in the sunshine cooking up a BO-storm. I know enough about historical garments to know that those layers heat up and that she did not wash them before the party). I got off-topic, I'm just saying I would not be comfortable with a guy who jumps to conclusions like this being my political representative - we know she's a bully. He could not.

Terrifying a visibly nervous butler for giving info the ML literally just demanded, which is treated as proof the MC has an abusive life, as there's no other reason a butler would say "Oh MC's at the ball" to the scary 6'5 war hero duke glaring down at him. Again, a noble second to the king jumping to conclusions without considering how his intimidating presence might affect how less powerful people perceive him is not actually a good look. I know you have a brain cell in there somewhere, use it.

Openly hostile to beggars living in what we are explicitly told is the most poverty-stricken part of town for having the audacity to ask rich people stepping out of a noble carriage for money.

😍 Dripping wet over being princess carried in front of the wretched poor before my boyfie whips his sword out in case one tries to touch me😍

4. "Banter"

Yeah so if you've ever seen the actual video where this gif comes from, the context is that the smirking guy is "roasting" the other dude with these bizarre quips that either aren't clever or make no sense, but his friends are going nuts anyway.

MC cannot banter. She shares personal info unbecoming of an alleged mastermind. Her jokes suck, like booooo get off the stage boooooo. I'm not even going back to screenshot them, they're too tryhard/corny.

5. Just say you hate fashion

The fashion is hideous, anachronistic, and at points, clearly traced from something else. I don't expect all otoisekai to care about fashion - it's a perk when they do, but I can ignore it when it's not - but all the clothes are noticeably from different centuries, at times it's super obvious the artist traced a stock photo, and the stylistic inconsistency is weirdly notable. I have never cared about this kind of thing before, but I guess you could say TVLT has a special place in my heart. NONE of these clothes are from the same period which would be fine except they're UGLY. How dare you.

tl;dr2 The Villainess Lives Twice is the worst OI I've ever read because they baited me with an MC who's literally willing to crawl in the dirt, to spill blood to get what she wants, a boss-bitch more than prepared to play 12th dimension human-chess.

And then those stakes turned out to be tripping over her own feet on prom night.

✌️Cliffhanger✌️

[greycappedjester]

Hi, I finally got around to binge reading hq@hw since I saw your new fic was coming out soon, and I have a few questions if you don’t mind. I feel super bad for hoshiumi, but did the big bads just get super lucky with having the kid without a lot of friends as a champion, or was there tampering? Did Ichiro know any of the more intimate details of Hoshiumi’s life, like his upbringing? And what kind of behavior would the real Hoshiumi exhibit throughout the year if he wasn’t replaced? What would his relationship with Hinata be like, and would he have any other friends? And this seems like something someone would have already asked but if the tournament wasn’t rigged, who would be the Hogwarts champion?

I feel bad for Hoshiumi, too, lol! I kept reading so many nice comments about Korai (who I really do love as a character) and then would just like...go back to my series notes and add in awesome things for him to do later as some kind of weird apology. (With that, expect cool things from him in the future even if he's still not there as much compared to the main cast just cause time).

But, yeah, the Ghosts sorta lucked out with getting a champion that was purposefully keeping himself somewhat at a distance because he had a secret (to hide the son of a squib thing until he could reveal it dramatically). That said, they also misjudged Korai a good bit, too. Korai normally definitely hung out with people more before that year (I kind of see Korai as an odd but generally lowkey popular sort of guy, not many close friends but well-liked). I'd say that when it came to the tournament, most Beauxbatons students just assumed that Korai was really buckling down to try his best. Which since they wanted their school to win, too, they were mostly like "Awesome! We'll give you some space, then!". The exception ofc being Hirugami, who does generally know Korai.....(This is kind of a side perspective I have since I couldn't incorporate it into the fourth story without it getting pretty weird pretty quick given the polyjuice thing--but, my headcanon is that Hirugami definitely has a really bad crush on Hoshiumi after their talk the year before and is being an awkward teenager about it and giving Hoshiumi space while Hirugami tries to get over it. I imagine that without the tie of being volleyball teammates that they have in canon, Hirugami would tend a lot more to the pine hard from afar thing. *Cough* Hirugami also definitely thought Korai had a crush on Hinata since he was hanging out with him so much, so did the "honorable" thing when he was worried about Korai overworking and pushed Hinata his way. Which would have worked except...well)

Speaking of, I think his relationship with Hinata would be a lot more chill and like their first (and only) conversation in the book. Real Korai is a lot more of a goofball so, while I think Korai could definitely teach him some cool magic stuff (though to be honest nowhere near the level of advanced magic that Hinata was actually tutored in by an adult powerful wizard) it would be a lot more relaxed. Ironically, Korai as a wizard works a lot more off of instinct and the element of surprise--which is very, very contrary to "Korai's" teachings in Triwizard Tournament. Most importantly, real Korai would without a doubt taught Hinata a lot more about broom racing.

If Korai had competed to his full capacity during the tournament, he would have been much more of the wild card/dark horse candidate. I am absolutely sure that he would have gone through every task in a way that no one saw coming but would have somehow worked wonders. He also would have bullied Hirugami into helping him and probably Gao, too. I like to think Hirugami would have figured out the puzzle box before any of the other groups. (Korai also would totally have still used the smoke spell in the first task even if he would have been motivated by the element of surprise rather than hiding the field so he could target one opponent)

As for who the Hogwarts champion would be, I've got literally no clue. Legit I could make a case for any of them. Since I started planning this series, I always knew that Oikawa would be entered without his permission so I never really thought about any other possibility for Champion. Feel free to take your pick--all the characters would legit be great!

[stansuperm]

So it has been kind of a long time since you have updated your story and i was wondering if you are going to continue it or not bc when you had first posted about it i was really excited and i really liked your writing in the two first chapters but you haven't posted a new chapter in months so yeah, is it going to be continued? no pressure of course

Kskskkksksks oh wow you are probably the only one who is asking me this or prob even be interested lol btw thank you for liking it! So the thing is that i have written down every note reffering to what is going to happen, the end etc. and i know what i want to write but im actually quite bored when it comes to actually writing it like my school hw is already enough rn and prob even too much, so atm i just can't seem to be motivated AT ALL. BUT that doesn't mean that it's going to be discontinued, i will for sure start writing again after my exams and then try to finish it as soon as possible bc it has been oh hold for way too long for my liking...

[nerdygirlkerrie]

Characters I love pt 4 final

It’s time for video games and strap in, this one’s a long one lol

Video Games

1.      Tokugawa Ieyasu – Samurai Love Balad Party

a.       I don’t know why the Japanese love to make Ieyasu into a spicy, blond brat, but they do. Not always, but in otome games for sure.  His SLBP iteration stands at the top of my otome game ladder.  He’s an asshole with good reasons to be an asshole, but something about him… I can’t even say what.  I usually don’t like his kind of character – the tsundere who would DIE before admitting their feelings, but I just love him.  He’s interesting and clever and so so pretty.

2.      Zevran Aranai – Dragon Age

a.       Ahh Zevran… not my first choice of romance, but probably my favorite character in the whole series (though almost tied with Dorian).  His smart mouth and hilarious, overly sexual dialogue make him a party must. He’s so interesting, and despite his dark past, the story doesn’t dwell to the point of obnoxiousness.  One day I’m going to write an OC with him.

3.      Malavai Quinn – Star Wars: The Old Republic

a.       I played a Sith warrior first, so he was my first romance.  His romance was literally shocking – so shocking I had to write about 100 pages of fanfic to address my feelings on the matter.  This, combined with my warrior being the head of my dynasty, cements his place.  He’s so fun to play with too lol since he’s uptight but also distractingly in love with your character.  Ahhhh, good stuff

4.      Aymeric de Borel – Final Fantasy XIV

a.       This elf is just so fucking beautiful.  Like unfairly beautiful.  Practically a meme.  Doesn’t help that he’s charming, charismatic and a great leader.  Also pretty in love with the player character.  He is literally prince charming, and one of the reasons Heavensward was the best xpac.

5.      Thancred Waters – Final Fantasy XIV

a.       The Scion thot. Thancred is a cliché mix of pretty, tragic, and slut.  He’s a playboy who seems to take nothing seriously, but really, his growth throughout the series is really good.  He’s got the WoL’s back.  His HW look tipped me over the edge and made me fall in love with him.  So snarky and cool, and ends up doing really well despite losing his magic.  10/10 would bang

6.      Dorian Pavus – Dragon Age: Inquisition

a.       I love Dorian. He’s my favorite Inquisition character. I think fandom does him wrong by always turning him into the gay best friend™  Now, he IS my inquisitor’s best friend (or love interest depending on the inquisitor), but his sexuality just adds to the story.  He is not the sum of it.  He’s snarky and bitchy but super loyal and supportive.  He really is the inquisitor’s best friend and would probably do anything he had to to protect them.

7.      Theron Shan – Star Wars: The Old Republic

a.       Snarky slicer that is a master spy?  Yes please. Theron is the most interesting of the post vanilla game.  His motivations are always murky, but in the end, it always turns out that he was on your side.  Also snarky and clever, he constantly makes me laugh, and his romance is pretty adorable.

8.      Cullen Rutherford – Dragon Age series

a.       Sweet, masculine chantry boy.  He’s strong, but also vulnerably, and it’s only when he absolutely trusts you that he lets you see this.  His romance is really good, very little internal tension and just very sweet.  As a character, he expresses what I want to a lot while dealing with Josephine and Leliana – eye rolling and sighing.  He seems super serious, but is a huge dork. And he loves animals XD

9.  Fenris – Dragon Age II

a.       Tickles the ‘broody, beautiful elf with a tragic past’ itch.  Fenris is fun because he goes from hissing and complete distrust, to standing beside you no matter what choice you make, even if it is to support the mages, whom he neither likes nor trusts.  I like that his romance isn’t easy, and doesn’t just go from confession, sex, relationship, and instead goes on this windy journey of pain, that culminations in the best confession of feelings in the game.  Love him so much.  Plus Gideon Emery could read the phone book and I’d be like mmm yeah

10.  Sylvanas Windrunner – World of Warcraft

a.       Even though I’m not a loyalist, because this bitch is dark, I still think she’s so important and impactful.  She is the ONLY female leader in the horde until Thalyssra, and she is a strong leader.  I think I would preferred a different outcome to her story, but nothing for it now.  I wish I could murder Nathanos though.

11.  Lor’themar Theron – World of Warcraft

a.       Admittedly, most of my love for him came after I created my newest hunter and created a backstory, since I had to read his history and shit on Wikipedia.  I just like that he never wanted to lead the Blood Elves, but after his friend and Prince went insane was like “Fine, I guess I will” and just became the regent.  He’s my character’s dad, and is the best dad lol.  Plus, he’s a Gideon Emery character – see Fenris comments.

12  Gelu – Heroes of Might and Magic III – Armageddon’s Blade

a.       I had a mad crush on this character stemming from a dream I had while I was playing the game.  Heroes III is my favorite in this series and this xpac was baller as fuck.  Pretty black and white elf with red hair – early teen Kerrie likey.

13.  Jacke – Final Fantasy XIV

a.       The leader of the Rogue’s Guild – his speech is sometimes incomprehensible, but he is hysterical.  Seems like a joke and is often not taken seriously because of his pretty boy face, but will literally cut you.  I love the Rogue’s Guild as a whole, and the Rogue’s story.

14.     Khadgar – World of Warcraft

a.       Okay, so, I will admit that most of my love for Khadgar comes from young!Khadgar in the Warcraft movie.  He was so incompetent then, especially look at where he in the game now.  Silver fox, we laughingly call him Dadghar in our house. So powerful he could probably just end all struggles himself, but always makes the player character do the work. I like that he doesn’t care about Alliance or Horde and is usually instrumental in bringing them together.

[runfast-runfar]

Wednesday things

2/26/19

✨ I woke up at 3:30am and couldn’t go back to sleep. I laid in bed for hours and just listened to music and drew. I finally got another hour or so of sleep before having to get up at 7am.

✨ thea didn’t want me to leave this morning (or more likely she just didn’t want me to take the backpack with me bc she likes laying inside it lol)

✨ I opted out of the gym today. I just dreaded the idea of going. I knew if I went it’d be an awful workout and I just had zero motivation of going so I let myself off the hook for today. I’ll wake up early tomorrow and go before my 9am class so I’m just flip flopping my day off this weekend so it’s okay.

✨ I got my package from Emily @vegan-veins yesterday and it made me smile, which was much needed with everything going on with my brother. Things feel so difficult right now. And life feels like it’s both moving in slow motion but also like it’s too overwhelming. It’s weird. And hard. So the little things mean a lot. And getting my eat figs not pigs sweater and this adorable surprise T-shirt honesty meant more to me than I thought it would! And it’s so comfy and well fitting (I’m hella picky with shirts!!!) so naturally I just went onto her Etsy and bought a different shirt of hers hehe “someone not something” 🐰 shirt you’re mine 🤗👏🏼

✨ anyways, I’m on campus now in EOPS drinking coffee and drawing. I am lucky and I have some very empathetic, kind teachers who’ve extended some deadlines for me to get a bit more time to do my assignments but I’m finding it so hard to focus on things and get anything done. It feels like my brain is zapped. Like I’m completely running on empty. I hope things get easier soon. Not for my sake really but for my brother’s.

I’ve been feeling really guilty for having such a hard time with the stuff going on considering it’s not me directly dealing with it. And so I felt like I was making it about me when I shouldn’t be. And someone I was talking to made a good point and was saying how “it’s natural to feel a lot and hurt when this person who I know you love and care about more than anyone else in this world, is going through hell. That doesn’t make you selfish, it shows your humanity. It shows that you care far beyond only what happens in you’re own personal life.” And it made me feel a bit better and just validated tbh.

✨ I have therapy today at 1 and I don’t want to go bc I know I’ll just feel numb and not cry or feel how I’m actually feeling bc that always happens in therapy. But I guess it’s important to go right now anyways.

And then I have my Astro lab from 2-5pm. Then lots of hw and stuff to try and catch up on.

[pig-on-antibiotics]

I talk to the wind:

1.I had the weirdest dream. What's strange is that I only have dreams that involve you.  Anyway. The night before we saw each other, I had a really nice dream about you. Things were good. Last night was so weird in comparison, oh god. Hahahaha. You sent me a message saying, you'll find me at 11:11. That's cheesy. I knew I'd have a dream about you because going to bed I was trying to finish Nausea, some of the parts reminded me of you and of myself as well. In this dream, we met inside a really wet, dark, and humid metal room. The metal was rotten and we could smell it. The room was like the experimental theater. We found seats between two railings, but the metal beneath us began to soften, we began to sink. Neither of us were worried, you pointed out of how much I grew. If I were who I used to be, I would be very anxious. But I was calm. We spoke for a long time but I forgot what it was about. Until it was time for us to leave. We had to struggle to get out of where we sat. The metal covered our bodies and hardened around us, like a shell. But there was still room for us to get out. And we did. But our shells remained behind.  I wish this was real.  2. I have to study religiously, I can't keep fucking up. I have to wake up early, walk, eat on time every day. Or else I'll become sick. Some nights I feel too tired to smoke pot or come online. This is a good thing for me. I have to get rid of these habits. I know I associate way too much of my laziness/procrastination to pot and not sleeping properly, but I do it because I'm a control freak. I have to be in control. I have to make up for the time I lost. I have to study, I need good grades. I won't get out of here, I don't want to. But sometimes, when I understand things in class, when I make my teachers proud or do good in a test I feel so warm inside my stomach. I feel great, I just need the proper motivation to keep the momentum going. I want to make this into a permanent thing.  3. It's been 4-5 days since I last talked to a friend. Like an actual conversation. But that's fine. I really miss my best friend. I wish we could meet, but the timings don't match. She has exams. We're so far apart.  4. Two days ago, in chemistry class, I was so ready to cry. I sat in the front bench and my teacher was being a total dick to me. I deserved it. I didn't sit for the exam the week before, I hadn't given my hw in either. I lied and told him that I had a fever. He actually kind of bought it when he saw my face. I was having a shit time. I was nearly about to cry. I had the biggest existential crisis. Why do these things always happen during chemistry classes? Lol. Save me. (Only I can get myself out of this. I need to study!!!!!) He's usually a nice guy, he just reached his limit I guess. Everyone has one. I reached mine too. (Well, not really, since I didn't cry. But I really want to.) I'm gonna make up for it, I'll do every homework, I'll attend every exam. But how? I don't understand anything in class, honestly. My head becomes a total blank. Chemistry is just not my thing. Why am I wasting so much time and so much of my parents' money after this? God bsudnshdjshjs GAAAAAAAAAAH. Just. Shut up and study. That's what I should do.

[tumblunni]

ALSO TO FIX EXCELLUS

Because tangeants again lol

Recognise that its fuckin stupid and bigoted to expect us to believe someone is a villain INSTANTLY after seeing that they're queer, before they even do anything. Don't spend your entire damn game having the characters go "eww its that disgusting person of ambiguous gender we should kill them because gross" rather than.. Yknow.. "Excellus fuckin murdered those people". Recognise that literally doing this is gonna make your character LESS villainous and MORE sympathetic long before you finally get to goddamn showing them do anything bad except say "ohoho i wanna be a princess". And it'll make bunni REALLY PISSED OFF because nobody wants to feel sad for an asshole murderer yet THAT SADNESS IS FOREVER ENGRAINED IN MY SOUL NOW

Seriously fuckin hell it even made the heroes look less heroic! I felt like Excellus was almost justified in becoming a murdering selfish monster if she spent her entire life being treated that way by both sides in this big good or evil conflict. Why the fuck should she give a shit if she's being degraded? Like FUCKIN OBVIOUSLY murdering people and wanting to conquer a random japanese country as a mad dictator is not a remotely logical reaction to being misgendered. But like they could have changed some stuff and made a perfectly good sympathetic villain who gets manipulated by the bigger bad because of her sad past of being treated like shit and like she feels like this is her only option to be herself. And then maybe you can reignite her hope in the world and her self esteem and moral centre and help her redeem herself and team up with you to take out the real horrible fucks with no sympathetic motives. Instead she's friggin played as THE one who's evil cos she has no sympathetic motive. Like that's her whole Thing, she's supposed to just be selfish and greedy and horrid. Your damn bigotry somehow failed your own story as well as failing all trans people ever!

Or like yknow.. If you want an asshole fuckboi then actually write an asshole fuckboi. Scrubby scrub the trans = bad shit from this plotline and you do indeed have a selfish monster who murders a bunch of innocent people and gets his just desserts. You had a ready made simple character archetype and you were so preoccupied shoving your transphobic screed into your game that you fucked it up!

So yeah i think either make this goofy ohoho trans auntie a good character, make the asshole ohoho bad character a cis man, do both at once, or like even i'm not opposed to having a trans villain exist but like seriously make them a synpathetic villain. If they're the only trans character in the plot its already gonna send a bad message if theyre in the role of "worst most underhanded jerk villain", even if it WASNT also transphobic as fuck. So a sympathic trans villain or adding more LGBT characters so it doesnt seem like this one individual was designed to make a statement on your entire feelings for a minority.

ALSO

like seriously please do not do this stupid thing of mooshing every stereotype together from every LGBT identity and acting like theyre all the same thing?? Like man i fuckin HATE that anime trope that yknow.. The gay man says all this trans stuff cos he's ~just that flambouyant~ Like being a drag queen is what 100% of gay men are, 24/7, and anyone saying theyre a trans woman is just one of those drag queens who's really getting into character. Or just.. I dunno. I cant even wrap my head around what train of logic must have led to that stereotype in the first place! And its so fuckin annoying as a queer person trying to talk about why this is bad queer stereotyping, it just makes me extra sad to straight up not know what pronouns to use for the character so i feel like i'm being just as horrible to them as their creators were. Like man i've only settled on going for "she" for Excellus cos after years of looking into it it does seem like the original japanese was indeed specifically using stereotypes of trans women and not trans men or nonbinary people. Though all languages do seem to call the character male it seems pretty strongly to be a "i believe that trans women are men and can never be women" kind of thing, rathe rthan the character herself calling HERSELF male. She calls herself a woman in both english and japanese, and its just that the english has everyone else use male pronouns for her and added the non-canon "explanation" that she only acts like a trans woman because she has something wrong with her balls. (Ugh!) And in japanese on top of calling herself a woman she also uses feminine (and specifically trans/drag queen coded) variants of "I", and other common speech pattern traits used for negative stereotypes of trans women. Though again we do have other characters calling her a disgusting perverted man instead. Sigh!

Ok ok ALSO BIGGEST FUCKIN FIX! dont draw the character like a horrible distorted cariacature goblin in an entirely different art style to everyone else. Seriously its so annoying how they tried to make you agree with "excellus is disgusting just for acting queer" by LITERALLY DRAWING A DISGUSTING CHARACTER. If you take away the weirdass overdetailed horror movie monster face, there is nothing ugly or even "manly looking" about her! She's just like somebody's perfectly normal chubby aunt or something. You could go out in any street all over the world and see five of her! I hate it cos its almost like psychological manipulation or something? Like i've seen so many lets players who arent bigoted but merely oblivious still agree that excellus is ugly and disgusting and comical because of it, cos all the implications of transphobia/homophobia flew over their heads and all they saw was a character drawn to look monsterous. And just.. This is so common. Its the overwhelming japanese stereotype of trans women. Draw them looking INFINATELY MORE MANLY than the cis male characters. So manly that it really hammers home how "obvious" it is that a man in lipstick or dresses "just looks wrong" and of course there's NO way they could ever pass and ha ha look how deluded they are that they think they look pretty. It's horrid. It really is. Seriously I like to point at Tabitha from Pokemon ORAS for a good counter example, cos he's also an ambiguously transgender character from a game that came out around the same time and by some weird coincidence they look very similar. Except for the literal entire face. The literal entire exact same face, just its drawn hideous and distorted on the one who's supposed to be a negative trans stereotype, and drawn exactly like everyone else on the positive one. And there's not one example in the whole game of anyone calling Tabitha ugly because he looks trans, or even insulting his weight or anything. Same damn character design, just drawn without bias and treated like a human being. I mean seriously right down to them having the small "evil eyes" but with Tabitha he's always drawn with them in a perpetual sort of happy face and then his pose with them looking similar to Excellus is supposed to be a BADASS MOMENT of this comic relief villain showing his worth! And hw literally has red eyes on top of it! His design is even MORE "evil" yet just not drawing it as a stereotype entirely changes the player's perception and he became beloved by many. Whereas with Excellus even the trans people in the audience couldnt relate to her and just felt fuckin sad.

Oh also i guess Excellus is implied to be a trans woman and Tabitha is implied to be a trans man? But i don't think game freak was trying to say anything about trans men being more valid or whatever, cos the first canonical LGBT character of any sort was a trans woman npc in the battle maison. And tabitha being trans isnt really confirmed as clearly as she was. i hope someday theyre able to confirm an LGBT main cast member but until then i will forever hold onto the glimmer of hope that was given to me by Beauty Nova.

Also seriously Tabitha and Excellus both also look EXACTLY LIKE ME IN REAL LIFE so I kinda took Excellus extra hard and latched onto the Tabitha headcanon so much more because it was good healing after all that nonsense. Tho I also did considee nonbinary Tabitha at the time, because his japanese name is a gender neutral one that's merely like 75% female, rather than a 100% feminine one. But then his old RSE design was very masculine so i think maybe a trans man is what they were trying to imply if they did indeed do it on purpose. Anyway i probably would have translated his name as Ashley cos it has the same "technically neutral but more popular with girls" aesthetic while also keeping the same fire pun as Homura. I have no idea how on earth Tabitha is supposed to be a joke, honestly. Tho i meam maybe he's just the one type specialist on the entire poke-earth who doesnt have a joke name?

ANYWAY thank you terrible transphobic stupid manga i read today for reminding me that i love Tabitha. And also the developers love Tabitha. And also all the characters in universe love him, like seriously the only difference between the devon dialogue of him and Shelly is that they mention the other scientists nicknamed him tabitabi. And its so cute how seriously they said it too?? Its like "our boss tabitabi,the most feared and respected genius man".

Lovv dat tabb

[cryogengar]

vent pt2 // aftermath

i just feel the need to put out the rest of it and maybe i can be more at peace

so relating to this post here, it’s been about two weeks. i still think i’m affected by it, judging from me staying in bed for 17 hours and having no motivation to do anything a little more than usual. after a day i posted that vent, one of my acquaintances on league, in that friend group i had told me that the girl, and my old guy friend made a joke about killing myself. it went along the lines of,

girl: “i can imagine her climbing out of the classroom window and nobody would care”

guy: “wouldn’t y’all clap”

girl: “well i would and that’s all that matters”

..yeah. that hit me hard. not only did they said that in a discord call where everybody else in there heard (and laughed apparently) behind my back (one of the people in the call sent me this), but just the fact that they used something that i struggled with as something to joke and hurt me about. sure, sometimes i personally joke about it, but i find it a right that i can joke about since i’m the one that’s going through it. but right there, that’s a joke and an insult and there clearly is no humour to it. i keep thinking of how people always say like, treat others how you want to be treated. i kept thinking of that then. why did they say that when i was the one hurting from that incident days ago? when did they it was a good idea to joke about this behind my back? and other questions and insecurities poured into my mind and i felt so betrayed. personally, no matter i think badly of someone, i wouldn’t actually say or wish harm on them like that. sometimes i’d say like ‘omg i wish he’d go kill himself’ or smth, but that was for dark humour reasons and i never meant it in this kind of way, y’know? and i definitely won’t say it behind someone’s back. so this hurt me a way lot because it was the girl who said this, who had absolutely nothing to do with my ex, added to how i was hurt from her the other day. 

it just made me incredibly broken inside. for them to say this. it’s only been recently that i was talked down due to my mental disorders and here it is, just jokes about my suffering. and the fact that they said it.. like in a classroom? where i’d have 30 other classmates and a teacher? all of them.. would clap? did everyone just want me to end myself? my insecurities ate at me non stop no matter how hard i wanted to hold myself together. but yeah, the day after i went to my vice principal, my school counsellor, talked to her. the school aka her would go talk to the girl because this was unacceptable and bullying and stuff like that. but i was still hurt. i was terrified. the thought that my vp was going to talk to her... what would happen if she just talks more shit behind my back? like ‘omg bella was such a little bitch the vp talked to me today abt this’ or smth like that. that haunted me the whole day at school. my mom and vp talked afterschool, and even though i said that i didnt know if it was a good idea to talk to her, the vp and my mom insisted that she needed to know that it was wrong, and if she says more shit just report it to her again and something will be done.

i went home a little lighter. i still took naps and binge watched cartoons to distract myself from the emptiness and hurt i felt, and that inside made me feel guilty because i should be doing hw and more productive things. cue 11pm on that wednesday night. 

the girl calls me. she’s crying, she’s just saying ‘im sorry’ over and over, but i felt no sympathy or compassion for her. she’s sobbing, telling me that she didn’t understand why she did those things, and that she’s a horrible person for doing and saying those things about me. i kept myself calm and just stayed quiet most of the time. we hung up like over half an hour later. i felt worse. but it calmed me that since she sounded sorry, if the vp talked to her tmr there’s a chance she won’t say shit anymore. but the thing was, i asked her if somebody made her apologise to me, and she said no, but mention my ex showed her my previous tumblr vent and told her she was going to get into trouble with the vp. it made me mad that she might’ve called me up more out of fear than genuine feelings to apologise about how much she hurt me.

in rolls next day, she skipped choir to talk to the vp. apparently she cries again, and we’re called down during first period to talk to each other. she apologies, doesn’t look up to my face, and the vp talks about moving forward. there’s a school trip to santa barbara in two weeks and i wanted to cancel and lose like $1500 bc i couldn’t stand her presence. but now i didn’t cancel for that reason and it’s still happening i guess. but... yeah. everything the ex guy friend said still hurt. everything hurt. the way he let me hurt by myself when we hung out at the cafe, when he talked shit abt me via msg, and adding his two cents to the girl’s joke about me. how mad must he be for me not thanking my ex for a fucking gift that he chose to buy on his own accord to just make me feel like absolutely a worthless piece of trash. all this time i’ve spent since last year ever since i met him. all wasted. there’s so much hurt, from the time he liked me, to times i gave up time to spend with him while i hurt myself from sleep deprivation or emotional energy, to times he let one of his friends just verbally beat me up in front of him. i felt so used. i feel so used. 

so fast forward, everything is done with the girl. we’re not going to be friends anymore, i can handle seeing her at school without being triggered, she’s not going to talk shit about me anymore and i go back to hanging out with my senior friends. the guy? nothing. apparently he feels bad, but not bad enough to say anything to me. i don’t expect anything, it must be humiliating to apologise to a piece of trash like me, lol. i dont know what’s up anymore. i saw him in one of my friend’s snapchat story and i just got triggered and spent a good four hours in bed, lmao. it clearly so hurts as much as i’m trying to put it behind me. the fact that we’re still ‘friends’ on every single piece of social media still allows me to see his presence online and because i’m so sensitive it triggers me.

i just want to feel better. i don’t want to relive all of this hurt everytime i see his name. i don’t want to continue feeling like i dont matter, that my mental disorders are a disability and i’ll never be anything more than a suicidal freak. maybe it is my fault that i’m ‘always doing things for others,’ investing so much time into these these people and end up hurting because i finally see who they are. i... don’t know. i just don’t understand. i don’t want to feel betrayed, hurt, and depressed. i don’t want to feel so much anxiety going outside and talking to people because i don’t feel safe. as much support i get, i only get this support when i ask for it. no one.. really reaches out for me on their own accord, whether it’s when i’m hurting or as a friend. maybe i’m just really alone. whatever. goodnight.