#if nobody's got me i know the man who married miku has got me

[marcusbrutus]

[maguro13-2]

Miku.EXE : The Resurrection Pt.4

Sonic : Aw man! It's no use, Miku's not shown up at the company and I haven't get a call from her since. It's no wonder what tragedy is responsible for this?

(Phone Vibrating)

Voice : Call from "Hatsune Miku".

Sonic : That must be her. (Answers phone) Hello, Miku! How's the concert?

Miku (via Phone) : It was great, Mr.Sonic! The fans have gone wild with our performance. It's been a thrill ride since we had our last contact with you. So is there any problems at the company?

Sonic : Oh no! Not at all!

Miku (via phone) : Good! Good! That's what I like to hear about! No problem! No problem at all! Anyway, I'm on way to meet you in person and when I say "I'm on way" I mean to say one thing to you.

Sonic : What is it?

Miku : It means that I was going to say...[in a distorted voice] "I FOUND YOU."

[TV BUZZING]

Sonic : Hey! What?! Wait a sec, w-what is this?!

[TV BUZZING]

[EXE.Laugh]

Sonic : That laugh! It's EXE! It has to be him! But I don't see him anywhere, just what was EXE's Laugh doing all over in my head! Is he responsible for the death of Omelette?

Miku (?) : No, but that would be me.

Sonic : (realizing) M-Miku! (Turns and sees Miku in front of him) Miku, there you are! Do you know what caused the power outage? Some Ransome intruder was messing with the power grid that Tails told me earlier. Was it you that is doing it? Wait a sec, are your eyes bleeding, Miku? You look kinda sad or something.

Miku (?) : It's only a matter of time til you finally recognized who I really am... father.

Sonic : "Father"? Hey, I ain't your dad! I'm nobody's dad, in fact that Amy and I aren't married! And of course, don't forget about the sex thing.

Miku (?) : I know it's you father. You the same look, the same face, and the same eyes that I have. But I guess that I was wrong that you are not the father I know. But I do know that I am looking for my "real" father!

Sonic : Your "real" father? Who created you, Crypton? Eggman? some random dude?

Miku (?) : No, you're wrong about that, Sonic. I was neither created by this "Eggman" or the humans that made me with Miku's own data...I am the daughter of "God's" data. For you see, that I am Miku.EXE!

[Newcomer : MIKU.EXE SCARES THE FRIGHT]

Sonic : Y-You! It was you who killed Omelette and cut off the power grid! More importantly, what have you done to Balan?

Miku.EXE : I took his entire life just to think that your creator Yuji Naka was in betrayal of his own people, so I had to make decisions and ended his life. Therefore, he won't be getting a Balan Wonderworld 2 in a year or two. So wether you die like him, your relatives, or your friends, it will not be satisfying til every single drop of blood that will be painted in red!...But I'll let you go this time if it's necessary to what it means to love to our fathers. Remember, if you dare to try to interfere with anything that you got, don't even expect mercy from "God" himself. So long, farewell, and adieu. I'll be waiting for you.

[TV BUZZING]

Sonic : Huh? Hey! Where did she go? And...What did she meant "love to our fathers" by that? This is starting to get mysteriously weird for those that have a father or something. More likely, I used to have relatives that are likely me with the quills. Quills or no quills, it's gotta have a perfect body movement to solve this case. I better think fast before bad things happen. I wonder what's eggman cooking up now? Better ask some questions about this father thing.

~ A loving father's creation that is their child ~

[letstalksymphogear]

Symphogear, EP. 5 (Cont.)

Tsubasa ruminates about her current situation in her Symphogear Brand Safety Capsule of Absolute Dunces.

“aight ive done seen the light lemme at that sweet, sweet taco bell”

Meanwhile, some old ass politicians rumble about Relics.

“im old.”

But they immediately get fucked up in a nasty car accident.

As it turns out, the Americans were waiting to intercept these old crones to steal The Goods.

And holy fuck are they are American. Personally, I feel the writers of Symphogear watched Die Hard and immediately went “these people are fucking animals”. That’s just me, though.

“ooh ouch oh mmm ouchie ouch oooo ouch”

They tear into these people with an almost machine like efficiency.

These people don’t fuck around. There’s a strange surreality around it given that this is honestly pretty accurate to how brutal special operatives can be, but the Japanese accent they have in their English voices is... a bit jarring.

“IM BACK FROM THE MALL, YA’LL”

“oh god she’s back”

“ah, ryoko. as per your lingo, quote, ‘i like your new gucci boots... bitch’ was that good? im not fond at cursing at women unless its a mutual training session”

Genjuro alerts that the Minister of Defense for Japan has just been assassinated.

“shits bad”

Conveniently... Ryoko’s phone was broken. In her defense, it’s 2012. Battery life didn’t have the bragging rights it had now for phone.

“i personally use a razer flip phone. those will never go out of style!”

Ryoko manages to show them the box the Americans were trying to get. Suspiciously...

There’s a bloodstain on it.

So the main struggle right now is that the Bad Guys(tm) want to get their hands on Durandal, which is a completed relic that is hidden away miles underneath the school in the 2nd Division Labs.

This musty, old, shitty sword has immense power. Almost Godlike.

“hey why dont we just use the sword to beat up the bad guys”

The sword was handed from the EU to Japan for Japan to safekeep, and in exchange to forgive some of the loans the EU owed Japan should the EU economy collapse.

How topical.

“i read a lot of beserk and honestly im pretty sure someone beats up the bad guys with that dumb sword”

“listen nerd, we’re not doing that dumb weeb anime shit. we’re taking this sword to a vault to the bottom of parliament.”

“thats right. who needs anime when you’ve got nicholas cage.”

And so, they plotted to deliver this dumb sword tomorrow.

Ryoko logs into Runescape.

Fun fact: Fulcanelli is a reference to this dude, who was a French alchemist whose identity nobody really knows. Alchemy is a concept that will come up during GX that has no relevance whatsoever during these first 2 seasons except in some passerby jargon. This as just a cute thing I wanted to point out.

You know, that’s a pretty sexy sword upon closer examination.

“thats the dark souls of swords”

“ah! a fellow gamer! im glad that you too partake of the souls of darkening. would you like to play a two player match somtime, fellow Gamer?”

“I would genuinely rather eat shit for the rest of my life!”

The scene ends. Alright, where are n-

Oh God we’re back to this bullshit. Okay then.

Miku, reasonably, is upset that her wife is gone for several hours for increasingly sketchy reasons. Much like an estranged wife going to see her “tennis instructor” for “private tennis lessons” in the “safety of their house, which has a tennis court”, Miku is worried that Hibiki is a liar liar, pants on fire.

Nose the size of a wire.

Hibiki, feeling the fear of God, quickly bails this increasingly tense situation.

Miku is suffering, and so am I with this hamfisted writing.

“you didnt even try the cookies i made out of frustration for you. i designed them all after me with increasingly angrier faces”

“im too young for a divorce. fuck, those cookies smelled good”

Hibiki decides to not sweat it anymore, opening a magazine and WHOA WHAT THE FUCK

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS I DONT REMEMBER THIS WHEN DID HIBIKI GET HER HANDS ON THIS OH MY GOD

“HELL NO IM MARRIED THE DEVIL CANNOT TEMPT ME”

Hibiki closes it up to reveal the relevant part of this magazine.

This is subtle, but it’s basically a vehicle to explain how things are covered up for Symphogears. Ogawa walks in, talking about how this headline was his doing.

“i wasn’t joking when i said we were literally the NSA”

Hibiki is happy that Tsubasa has been freed from Metaphor Limbo, having escaped the Water Metaphor Dimension back into real life.

“she literally wont stop talking about taco bell and honestly its killing me inside”

“shit ill get her some”

Ogawa does some schpiel about teamwork and asks Hibiki for an idea on what to do with Tsubasas image even though he’s supposed to be the manager and it’s just general prattle.

Everyone gets briefed about the delivery. Ryoko’s soccer mom van sticks out like a sore thumb. Nobody on the Lydian campus asks why there are 5 cars outside the building with men in suits and fucking Hibiki standing there with them why are these children so fucking incurious.

“this feels like the world’s most important weed delivery, but im going to deliver the SHIT out of that weed”

“hibiki please its not weed”

“ALRIGHT FAM LETS DELIVER THE SHIT OUT OF THIS WEED”

Big thick black cars surround Ryoko’s tiny vehicle as they all drive in unison to the drop point.

No fucking around here. The weed must be delivered.

The weed? Secured as shit.

“its not fucking weed it’s a goddamned french sword okay god”

“ROAD’S LOOKIN’ A-OKAY FOR OUR WEEEED DRIIIIIIVE”

PSYCHE, NO IT AINT. ROAD’S CRACKING UP HARD. COMES APART, CAR FUCKING EXPLODES!

“oh my god we seriously arent fucking around here those guys are fucking dead”

“bruh you never delivered weed before? that shit happens all the time”

“anyway grab on to something ‘cause we’re gonna initial d this shit”

“i thought we were delivering WEED not SUSHI”

“WEED... SUSHI... IT’S ALL FUCKING METAPHORS, HIBIKI. AND WE’RE GONNA DELIVER EM!”

“now ORDER UP, MOTHERFUCKER”

Every car is destroyed.

Ryoko flips the car like nobody’s business.

“ryoko! the kansai drift was too strong!”

“your delivery’s late, pal. that’s gonna have to come out of your tip.”

“jokes on you! you already paid the tip beforehand online!”

“oh, we’re going with pizza jokes now? is that what we’re doing? yeah, sure, whatever”

Unfortunately, Chris ordered her pizza with meat, extra crispy.

“FUCK, i cant see anything. now i don’t know if they have the weed- i mean, the sushi- er, the pizza- god i hate all these JOKES”

RYOKO SUMMONS A FUCKING SHIELD OUTTA NOWHERE WHILE HIBIKI’S KNOCKED OUT COLD

“yo hol’ up a moment did this pervert manage to summon a shield”

“are- are you able to fight the noise? are you fucking kidding me? this entire time when literal children were fighting these battles, you literally could have fought back effectively? are we but mere playthings to you? is this really the bullshit im seeing?”

“uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i can only make shields. piss shields, out of piss”

“that is absolute fucking bullshit”

“but i believe it.”

Hibiki has primed her fists and is about to show how much she’s improved combat wise, which is actually a lot.

Nevermind, she tripped again. Turns out, Symphogears fight in heels constantly, which is absolutely fucking horrifying. Hibiki realizes this, and then

FUCKING BREAKS THE HEELS LIKE NOBODY’S BUSINESS.

AND THEN SHE WRECKS SHOP WITHOUT BREAKING A GODDAMN SWEAT

“oh shit how the fuck did she improve this quickly”

The suitcase where the sword is stored opens up. That means it’s activating.

Immediate fear.

“alright bruce lee you mightve mastered a thousand kicks but you better change your gameplan because im about to realign that pretty little face of yours”

“thank god you kicked me. needed you to get closer so i could kick your ass, after all”

The fucking suitcase, I shit you not, pops open immediately with the sword flipping to the sky like a bad Gmod toy as it suddenly stays floating, perfectly still.

“ive officially lost track on what the hell is happening”

The sword just floats there, as a sword does.

“you know how many fried turkeys i can cut open with that bad boy? that shits mine now.”

Chris goes to get it.

“fuck you! im going to slice HONEYBAKED HAMS with that sword!”

Hibiki intercepts it and takes the sword.

Now Hibiki becomes a proud Stand owner, having acquired the power of The World and stopping time at will.

“oooooh holy shit”

Hibiki, now channeling the power of Durandal, feels the raw strength of a completed relic all through her body.

Real spicy stuff running through her veins.

The power unleashing itself into a raw stream of piss skyrocketing into the stratosphere.

“the pizza has been delivered... all according to plan...”

“...she was right. honeybaked ham was the superior meat to slice...”

Hibiki is channeling a power source so ancient, so powerful, that through using her as a conduit, the sword actually finishes itself into its full, completed form.

Holy shit, Hibiki.

Goddamn. That’s a really sexy sword, actually! Pretty nice...

...oh.

You’re not looking so hot, pal...

“why is it that every opponent of mine can literally asspull all this garbage and im stuck here looking like a bad kamen rider villian getting my ass kicked every time. its not fair.”

Ryoko looks extremely hyped for this event. Maybe a little too much so.

“MAN FUCK THIS NONSENSE IM PUTTING AN END TO THE SUPER SENTAI POWERUP”

“O-OH FUCK- uh, i didnt say that. totally swear. you uh, keep doing that. yeah. aha.”

“SLICED...”

“...HONEYBAKED...”

“oh god. oh god. im sorry. im sorry. im so sorry. oh fuck im so sorry. honeybaked ham is better. fuck turkeys. fuck drumlegs. fuck any sort of fried meat. honeybaked ham is better please im begging you dont vore me or slice me in half IM BEGGING YOU OH GOD”

“...HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!”

“ham..... mmmmm... honeybaked ham....”

“WHO YELLED ABOUT HAM? god, im hungry now.”

Hibiki wakes up from it all after passing out, expressing a power of magnitudes unheard of, as if it were all a bad dream.

“YEAH THATS RIGHT WE HAD TO DELIVER THE WEED PIZZA AND I WANTED HAM AND- THE SWORD, YEAH! THE SWORD!”

To her disappointment, amongst this wanton destruction, no ham was found. Ryoko clues her in that Hibiki just single handedly completed a relic, and though the entire place is a mess, the mission wasn’t a complete failure. They’ll just have to return the relic back to base, now the entire location is, conveniently, destroyed.

“yeah yeah. the weed made it. the sushi made it. the pizza made it. what didnt we deliver today?”

“...”

“singing really does make you hungry, huh?”

[letstalksymphogear]

Symphogear, EP. 7

Last Time on the Desperate Housewives of Lydian Academy.

Tsubasa wakes up hangry. Hibiki wakes up hungry. Miku wakes up... alone.

After deploying the world’s worst NTR plot hook, Hibiki and Tsubasa generally make-up without apologies, presumably through telepathy. Miku angsts but decides she’s just really hungry and gets over it briefly. Yukine Chris, recently fed, decides to wreck shop in the city hunting down Hibiki, as Hibiki reveals to Miku that she is a superhero and thoroughly kicks ass.

Naturally, after saving Miku’s life, Miku herself feels totally betrayed.

Let us keep going...

Chris and Hibiki are locked in intense combat. Hibiki’s trying her best to stay true to her pacifist run, while Chris really couldn’t give a shit. Miku watches in horror, confused, worried, and wondering how the hell this all happened.

“oh my god im lois lane now. wait- no. this is a good thing. she gets to marry superman, right? fuck yeah. nevermind. this is awesome.”

“yeah... crying tears... of joy! totally joy... yeah...”

Meanwhile.

Chris finishes off eating the last portions of Hibiki’s knuckle sandwich. It was pretty tasty, if not absolutely brutal to eat. Hibiki likes it spicy, you see.

“i told her to catch these hands and the madwoman actually caught em. god.”

“nah. i cant sit here and eat shit like this. im shipping these hands back. express fucking delivery, asshole.”

We get a lovely shot of the Nehushtan armor regenerating itself. And by lovely, I mean disturbing. Jesus Christ, Chris.

“fuck thats creepy. goddamn armor might as well got a mind of its-”

“own?”

“yeah... owned...”

“fuck you! i’m not owned! im not owned!”

“the only one who’s gonna get owned around here is you! three sixty no scoped! hashtag play of the fucking game, you ten fingered freak!”

“thats the thing, chris...”

“everyone has ten fingers.”

“i mean yeah but-”

“we dont have to fight chris. you have ten fingers. i have ten fingers...”

“we can lock those fingers together, holding hands in a metaphorical understanding of people!”

“...........................”

“the only fingers i want........”

“ARE CHICKEN FINGERS, CLOWN.”

Chris has only two prime directives. Food, and anger. Hibiki, sadly, taps into neither. Fret not though, for Hibiki has learned her lessons with Tsubasa.

It’s quite a work in progress.

Look, I know what you’re thinking. “It’s not going to work. They’re not going to be friends.” I understand your skepticism here. It doesn’t look like it’s working at all. Just- just stick with it. Let it simmer.

“the moon would have to fucking explode before i become friends with you, ya walking tangerine”

“ah fuck, the damn suit keeps regenerating...”

“im so sick of this bullshit. i keep losing fights i should be winning. im fighting someone who doesnt wanna fight. im working for someone who keeps shocking me and prances around naked. my parents are dead. every moment is pain. why did i even agree to this? all im doing is just repeatedly killing people for no discernible reason. fine’s not even impressed with me anymore. god.”

“MAN, FUCK THIS”

Her frustration leads her to shedding her goddamned armor. Her life is just such complete bullshit that she just resigns to going feral and living in the woods naked. Truly, a relatable icon of our time.

Hibiki politely hides behind the smoke, since she is polite. The shards of armor hurtling at 200 miles an hour at her face and body are just coincidence.

Nobody knows how to violently shed clothes like Yukine Chris. You know you’ve got skill when you’re capable of that much property damage just by stripping down to your birthday suit.

And then... it happens.

“okay chris tell me when you’re done changing so i dont have to look away anymore”

“wait.... is that.... singing?”

“thats right, bitch. i’ve got a second form. prepare yourself, for...”

What.

“oh FUCK SHE’S GOT A GUN”

Yeah yeah that’s cool and all but the name- what’s with-

“you dont know just how hard im about to metaphorically nut right now”

“you made me sing. and I HATE singing.”

Yes, that’s right. Chris is the third character in the series actively using a Symphogear, though she had set it aside for the Nehushtan Armor. The name of her relic, despite the awkward wording, is Ichiaval. What is Ichiaval, you may ask? Well, you see... Ichiaval doesn’t exist. It’s a made up item that claims to be of Norse origin, but in reality the only references it has is from video games.

That’s right. The gamers strike again...

“where were you hiding all this? did you just have this the entire time?”

“I’LL TAKE THAT AS A YES”

Ichiaval is special. Why? Because every relic so far as been melee based, with either melee weapons or fists, requiring close combat. But Ichiaval...

Is GUN BASED.

“sun’s out, GUNS OUT, as i like to say”

AND SHE’S GOT MISSILES TOO! SHE’S AN ENTIRE CRUISER OF HEAVY WEAPONS ARTILLERY!

You may be wondering, “Wait. The last two opponents she had were melee based, and needed to be at a close range to defeat her. Why didn’t she just... shoot them?”

And to that I reply, “Stop talking please.”

“oh fuck OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK”

“YEAH? YEAH? YOU LIKE THIS, YEAH? FUCKING HONEY BAKED HAM DEMON ASS TRYIN’ BE MY FRIEND GODDAMN KNUCKLE SANDWICH OFFERING MOTHERFUCKERRRRRR”

“WEESNAW”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

“Ah... ah.... ah fuck. god, that was hardcore. fucking finally. that... that felt good. why didnt i use guns sooner? nrgh. whatever. it did the job.”

Yukine Chris proceeds to wipe her sweat off with a Smokey the Bear poster, before throwing it in the fire like the rest of the trash she’s dealt with today.

“no. no. god, please. no. im begging you. if she literally walks out of the smoking woods. please. im begging you. let me have this. LET ME HAVE THIS.”

“wait. it’s a shield. no. its a metal plate..”

“NO! SHIT! THE SMELL OF PETRICHOR! I KNOW WHAT THIS IS! IT’S ANOTHER FUCKING WATER METAPHOR!”

See? The symbolism! Because she’s not in the water now, she’s in the clouds- and clouds, THEY have water too! They’re literally just the gas form of water! Because- she’s moved on, finally, and she’s- the metaphors!

“looks like this is turning into a fine game of rock paper scissors”

“yeah. last i checked, scissors beats paper. might want to surrender now before i start cutting that paper white skin of yours.”

“shit. that was a good burn, but how do i let tsubasa know she’s just as white as her”

“that was a good diss tsubasa but just to let you know you’re both really pale so try some different diss material”

“oh hey! im glad you’re here to help me befriend this person!”

“dont get too sappy on me. ill follow your cue, but the only befriending im doing is introducing this person to the concept of gravity. repeatedly”

“yeah thats fair, she’s got guns now”

“YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT I DO, AND LAST I CHECKED, NEITHER OF YOU ARE BULLETPROOF!”

“the sword begs to differ.”

“i dig the new look, btw. shame its gotta fall to pieces now.”

“i’m not shedding my clothes again goddamnit”

“too bad.”

“WAIT NO KILLING BAD”

“nah, it’s chill. see, watch this.”

“THE ONLY YOU’RE GONNA SEE IS A BULLET TO THE BRAIN YOU MURAMASA WANNABE-”

They’re about to square off before the Noise come to the fight.

“im so beyond done with everything. i get guns for 5 minutes and they’re literally destroyed. there is no god. please, kill me now.”

Hibiki saves Chris, denying her the deepest wish of all; immediate perishing from embarrassment. This would go on to be a good move, as Chris is beloved by all.

“i should kick your ass, but... you saved me. so... fuck me, i guess.”

“wait. does she really mean it? when she said she never wanted to fight, this entire time... she meant it? i mean i guess she did, but. really? it wasn’t just a big psychological ruse? i.. huh.”

“I CAN’T TAKE IT! FUCK OFF!”

Chris, unfortunately, proceeds to hear a familiar voice.

“thats quitters talk, bitch. if you cant take any challenge, no matter the size, length, or girth, dont even bother @ing me, cause we aint even mutuals”

“why the FUCK are you here, i had this UNDER CONTROL”

“why does she smell so familiar... like someone i know... she smells like... lonely saturday nights at the strip club.”

“oh- OH SHIT YEAH! RIGHT, YEAH! I BEAT HER! SEE? KICKED HER ASS. TOTALLING WASNT HOLDING HER FONDLY- FOR UH, SAVING ME. SEE? I WIN. AREN’T I THE BEST, FINE?”

“gimmie the headpats Fine, i deserve em”

“id like to believe ya but i just came back out of the shop recently having fine tuned my gaydar, and i hate to tell you this chris, but for you? its terminal.”

“now you know i love me some of that gay shit but im looking for a murderer, not a fighter. so, eat shit, you’re fired.”

“W.... WHAT?!”

You can pinpoint the exact moment Chris’s heart is torn to pieces.

“WELL FUCK YOU. IM UNFIRED. I’M REHIRING MYSELF BACK IN YOUR RANKS”

“im already aching to refute that claim as i power up my smacking hand to slap you across the face with”

Okay, I’m gonna level with you here. I have not a single goddamned clue what Fine just did right now. She just made her hand glow, disintegrated some rocks, and just summoned a random ass blue tornado for funsies. I literally have not a single clue how she did it outside of “bullshit”, “magic”, or “alchemy”, and really, it’s probably all three.

“its been real, but ive gotta get to a larping event right now. some idiots wanted to rp ancient babylonia and i gotta school them on how that shit worked. hasta la vista, bitches.”

“hibiki im begging you to wake up before this really bad OC of a villian fucks us over”

Fine yeets herself into the Sun, dissappearing from the scene for now.

Chris gives chase, having lost the last thing that remotely resembled a maternal figure (a depressing fact in of itself) in a desperate bid to return to her. Unfortunately, Fine jumped into the direction of the sun, and if Chris stares any longer, she’s going to go blind.

Too late. Her eyes burn, and she yells out in pain. Whoops. Today is just not her day.

“yo can you stop staring at the sun for five seconds and help us out here, you got guns n’ shit”

Loud sobbing noises ensue at Chris yeets herself into the Sun.

“gee thanks for your help, really appreciated”

Meanwhile, the 2nd Division figures out who the hell that was.

This newspaper is foreshadowed in the 1st episode, while Miku is with her parents.

“oh god”

“oh fuck....”

Yukine Chris was supposed to be retrieved safely as her parents had died. Genjuro was the one in charge of securing her safe return to Japan, but the transport carrying Chris was intercepted by agents and Chris in turn was kidnapped, never having been seen since until now. It’s likely along the way of Chris’s raw lot in life, Fine picked her up and recruited her for her plans.

Genjuro feels extremely bad about this, and kicks himself in the head about it daily. She’s probably the reason he has compulsive adoption disorder.

Miku has been intercepted by the 2nd Division.