#if it doesnt I wish I could make it myself
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an animatic of Marceline (Adventure Time) singing Dead Mom from Beetlejuice has to exist, right?
#if it doesnt I wish I could make it myself#cuz oh my god it works#marceline#adventure time#beetlejuice#lydia deetz#at#dead mom#animatic#my posts
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anyway HIIIII!!! i'm sorry for going inactive out of nowhere! i missed u guys, and i hope every1 has been doing well :> to be honest, i've realized this site makes me really anxious so i likely won't be coming back or being active like i used to be. i'll still keep my blog up, and might pop back in every now and then to say hi, but i probably won't post consistently or anything like that :<< however, i srsly love and value all the connections and friends ive made via this blog so much, all of u are so lovely, and ill miss u lots 💘 i am (embarrassingly) active on twitter, so if anyone has it, dm me and id love to be your mutual there! :D fair warning i talk a lot about my selfship, but i find that for whatever reason im just more comfortable there :} ((OH AND DISCORD. IF ANYONE WANTS TO EXCHANGE DISCS MSG ME!))
sooo yeah!! ueueue i dont know how to end this... wishing peace and love and f/o kisses for all my moots
#.mei’s chatter ˚༘⋆ ๋࣭ ࣪ ˖#SOB...#slim chance i might make a new blog or something in a few months if i feel better... so if you see me around say hi for sure! :D#but for now im probably just sticking to twitter... its quite fun there#but truly i wish i could give a better reason for leaving - it's nothing that happened or anything like that !#its just an anxiety thing i dont even understand myself... it may be negative associations/memories or something - i can be pretty sensitiv#i think blocking n muting on here doesnt work as well as id personally like it to LOL.#but again it was rly just a culmination of things.. ive also gotten a job + been rlly busy at school !#so ya.... farewell for now!!!! xoxo
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accepting what you cant change, facing your worst fear and finding comfort in it, not equating the consequences of an act with the act itself, and kind of accepting yourself through it all.
im insane.
#shredded descent#tmnt au#tmnt iteration#tmnt#wcs#kirby#raph#art#wow that caption sounds over dramatic ahahaha#really once again just making shit for myself to make myself do it. saying fuck it idc if it looks good or not#cuz this was a scene i really just enjoyed a lot n wanted to draw so idc if i wish i could have done it better *eye twich*#the colours got weird i didnt know what to do sigh#i feel a bit like uh oh this is on the nose again am i going to jail for actually drawing this but whatever#its one of those things that wont make sense to the people who it doesnt make sense to you know#but its one of those things where i could talk for hours abt all the things i think about these two lmao#COMPLICATEDDDDD
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w why do people hate sonic lost world so much. it's alright. i liked running on walls. i even liked the levels. it was cute
#is it because its not as sonic game like as others?#i do not talk about the story. i do not see it.#...except the part where eggman went ham on that wall#i liked the zelda dlc a lot too#serached up lost world on youtube to remind myself of it. and. every video is. hating on it.#the one thats a positive title “sonic was always good” out of the gate the guy says he doesnt like it and more#like... it could feel better to play. i wish it did but its not that bad#more enjoyable than forces but everywhere people make it seem worse#its not so good that i would bother to replay it though. it is merely alright.
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11 pm again and i spent my evening trying to draw but ending up deleting like 5 attempts again and i just want to cry
cant even get upset anymore, i just sit here looking at the wasted time and just kinda going 'yeah ... what did i expect' and the tears are already back :I
#ganondoodles talks#im tired of disappointing everyone#whatever high i once rode from all the zelda fanart i have done has long ran out#i feel like im trying to drive without tires for the past half a year#theres so much in my head but its just stuck there#everytime i think about something cool i know i cant just talk about it bc no one cares about yet another shitty text post#i need art to back my rambling up#and i WANT to have art to back it up not just bc more will care#but bc i want it to be there as art#im sorry these complaint posts keep happening instead of anything good#im on a losing streak record against myself#im also tired as fuck making these posts#i know the only thing it does is annoy people#i just cant keep it all to myself and nothing else is working#even when i think i did soemthing away from the pc or completely offline#as soon as i return- even if im really motivated- it only lasts for like .. one attempt#and im back at the bottom#trying every bit of tricks and advice i can find and it all ends the same#... i guess making these posts doesnt matter anyway- with twitters and my downfall im sure i lost like the majority of goodwill#not even trying to be all sorry for myself#wish i could throw away my brain
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wishing that the hype for sonic 3 would just die already because im tired of hearing about it vs knowing that the suffering wouldnt truly be over because theyre talking about making a fourth movie . hell on earth
#sorry i was keeping my haterisms to myself for a while there but im still a hater regardless#well i havent actually watched it so maybe its not That bad but what im hearing about it certainly doesnt make it seem good either ........#i liked the first two movies but i simply do not trust these writers to adapt the characters and stories i love anymore#anyway i would say i wish we could just move on to the next sonic thing and forget about the movies#but i also know that no new sonic media release could ever overshadow a new movie#which is also annoying the fact that the movies get so much more attention than other sonic media frustrates me for many reasons#and like. i try to curate my online experience or whatever people call it i blakclisted most tags related to the movie#but it still feels like its everywhere even then both online and offline#help i just remembered that i got a big spike in followers immediately after the movie came out#and i havent really siad anything negative about the movie since then . um. looks around all scared#not that i think i shouldnt be allowed to have a different opinion or am scared of offending anyone#i just know a lot of sonic movie fans get weird about criticism from game fans and i dont feel like dealing with that
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silly
#hi this doodle post is an excuse for me to monologue in the tags#ive been making a lot of quick posts for the sake of daily posts on instagram and at first i liked how much art i was making but now i wish#i could slow down and expirememnt more.??? i also miss drawing mother3.so bad but i literally cant make good mother3 art unless im VIOLENTLY#depressed so idk what ti d o... i want to draw i want to havr fun making drawing i want to draw The Character btu im not at my lowest point#alsoo feeling a bit of a weird disconnect between myself and my art style rn.. like it doesnt match my personality if that makes sende😭#my art is so cute and im The Devil#anyway if u read all that thx i just wanted to say all this shit somehwere
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the bad: i have been raised without much warmth from my parents in childhood, but also pressured to conform to familial authority, doubt myself always, and value familial connections above all else (<- failed at this, and feel guilt about it.)
but also in experiencing this i have been so isolated from the entire rest of the world and others, that it will be nearly impossible to create my own "family" -> find safety and comfort in anybody else once my family is Gone. despite dis i find it really difficult to break away from the familiar, disobey and disappoint, because, well, why are my wishes more important than anybody else's. why would I cause upset and distress in anybody, and exert so much effort into my doubt filled half decisions, for my meaningless little Wishes. being away would also mean less time with these people who I'll never see again once they're gone. being raised this way is definitely paying off for those who did so.
the good: yaaaay adjacent inspiration for writing talon lore
#talkys#my dad scaring me but also giving me no advice on what to do instead only saying if i do this it will be the wrong choice leading#to more wrong choices well yep you got me i am scared. i am inept. i fear regret and punishment for wrong decisions.#i struggle to make decisions because i cant go back on them.#''ill never have savings again'' and ''you cant value friends over family they'll abandon you''#and ''living here is only a problem for you because you dont communicate. there is a way to work things out''#i wish i could work it out and stay i dont know why i cant work it out ! and what do i want#to leave so badly for... to continue to never have stable housing#never have savings again? be alone and in danger?#to be able to wear whatever i want and...buy things? really? that doesnt seem very worth it#nothing seems very worth it#im miserable here but maybe i'd be more miserable away...it is true#well at least the chances to leave are very slim. and will continue to get slimmer the more time passes.#but maybe its fine i dont want to ruin my life or be even more of a burden or reason for distress in someone else's#moving out wouldnt fix anything. wherever you go there you are.#my friend said i have to be a little selfish (positive) to push myself to leave. bt i dont want to be selfish. im ashamed of that as a trai#delete later#even now i feel immense guilt and stress when my dad does things that hurt or bother me bc i know ill miss him when he's gone.#(and ill have nobody after all of that. due to the being kept in a cage)#that sucks. why does everyone else always win. why am i always the weakest pliable one. i wish i had no emotions#my surgery is the only decision in my life ive been 100% sure on for years#and even then my parent's words had me crying and rapidly changing emotions daily until the day came#im not strong enough or sure enough about anything else to withstand More of that#<- and i know that tomorrow im gonna be like actually you know what who cares lets try to leave#and the next day ill be resigned to staying here forever#and the next day ill be like actually you know what who cares l
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boy in silly sitting positions compilation
#cats#I especially like the last one where he just has one single paw poking out of that box for some reason lol#I still have costumes to post and like a billion other things.... grr... constantly failing at staying active on social media aughh#I think because currently my Main Focus is on trying to get my game done and stuff.. which basically just means sitting and writing all day#so there's not much to post about. Though I know the Good At Social Media thing to do would be to post about the#writing and share progress and talk about the game and characters or whatever to try to build interest or something but that is SOOO weird#to me.. I could maybe get it if it was like a tiny tiny discord groupchat of playtesters with like 5 people in#it.. But something about talking openly about things before they happen is weird to me?? Like presumptuous feeling or something#''oooo guess whats gonna happen LATER!!!'' like.. how do you know.. what if it doesnt. what if you dont finish it. what if its not the way#you think it's going to be. what if something changes. etc. Like I literally avoid movie trailers and game trailers for the same reason ghj#Even if it's not ME doing it it just feels... weird.. Maybe it has to do with my OCD and how I just don't like talking about ''future''#things in Certain Terms. Like if I was going to say ''Oh yeah sure. come over to my house in a few months''. I would have to follow it up#with like ''HOPEFULLY you can come over to my house in a few months'' or 'They'll come over in a few months MOST LIKELY''. Because just#stating that something will happen matter of factly takes for granted like.. what if somehting horrible happens and I DONT have a house#in a few months? or what if something bad happens to me. or to the person coming over? I can't ever DEFINITELY say with 100% certainty#that one could ACTUALLY come to my house in a few months. anything could change. So I have to allot for that in my phrasing. hbjjkn#There are a lot of situations where you're expected to just Assume Things but for some reason that bothers me. My brain literally does not#even Assume the most basic things.. like how do *I* know that just because it's someones birthday that they want to be wished a happy#birthday? what if they dont? everyone is different and has different preferences. I should check with them first. or wait until they public#ly announce that theyre accepting birthday wishes. I have to allot for all 5034859069 rare possibilities at any given time and never take#anything for certain. etc. ghjbjhbh.... ANYWAY.. I have been feeling a bit sick lately as usual.. but still slowly making progress on some#things. Moslty I need to edit costume photos. make sculptures. and work on the game. Going back reading some of the old writing from like#2018 and suprisingly I don't have to change that much of it? In fact I like it mostly. so that's good. I would be very interested if I were#playing the game myself. Though that doesnt mean much since my tastes are so niche lol..#Still really want to clear some of my million tumblr drafts as well... alas and aughh and ooughh and so on and so forth. Between all of my#evil appointments other such things...why cant I have one billion dollar to retire into relaxed hermit artist life of no stressors.. bleas
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people who do STEM or administration as a career full time and continue to do art as a hobby, I am scared of you but like in a hot way. youre like if we were allowed to have cold drinks in winter. i look at you and think of miles morales with his two cakes. do you want to make out sometime
#i say all of this positively bc i just! i cant help admiring it!! even if its mundane or not a big deal to you i seriously cant wrap my head#around it.. this is in no way at all meant to be condescending or anything. whenever i look at someones bio and theyre like oh im working#as a lab assistant biologist pharmacist realtor etc im like woag.... thats insane.. and then i peep your art tag and it knocks my socks of#how?? what lives do you lead??? im so curious. i seriously want a peek inside your brains someday. or at least shadow you at work lol#i cant help but feel sad when someone says smth like well i have to support myself and art cant do that for me. or maybe you were#pushed into pursuing a 'safe' career bc i hear it a lot. all of my relatives have the same story working as nurses and OFWs for the family#i think for me its not about missed potential but rather its being sad about making a decision to put your happiness aside to get by#ive tried so hard to do it but it didnt work out. i guess watching you guys do it is fascinating to me#or maybe youve made peace with your decision or actually like what you pursued but im still amazed!! it makes me wonder what made#you pick one over the other in that case.. is it like putting time for two different things the way you would for a schedule?? hmmm#im doing graphic design so i dont really interact with ppl in other faculties even humanities like sociology or childcare... so i cant help#wondering what it must be like as someone whos pursuing visual communication both as an interest and career#i seriously wish i could do smth like a desk job or even admin and maybe ill try that if this doesnt work. or i could look into trades#but dyscalculia already makes it hard to do things like cash and mental math so i get overwhelmed if i think about this too hard#yapping
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#good grief im gettin a lil tired of seeing 'DONT DO THIS' kinda art videos#i very much understand its a youtube thing and that clickbait names and thumbs get the views and attention needed#but it doesnt mean it doesnt annoy me or that I cant be annoyed by it#sometimes i just see it in tutorial pictures too#but the large DONTS with red Xs near the supposed ''wrong'' way of drawing is so demotivating#people start and draw in many ways than one#its what makes art their own#but when videos or tutorial posts are made and show the ''WRONG'' way to go about it#its like scolding the new artist or long time artist with that style that they're doing it wrong and that its bad#no matter the intention its not the way to go about helping artists learn to draw#and in my personal opinion#the click bait ''DONT DO THIS WHEN DRAWING'' thing is what keeps me from actually watching the vids#i get theyre probably helpful but i don't like that I have to feel some NEED or DESIRE to click on a vid cause I feel like I did a thing#wrong or that i never should have done it at all#i wish i could see more 'here are some tips that helped me#kinda vids cause yes i would love to learn what helped you rather than being or feeling wronged for drawing in a way that isn't theirs#im rambling but i have been seeing a lot of 'DONT DO THIS' NEVER DO THIS' 'IF YOURE DOING THIS STOP NOW' kinda art vids#im speakin for myself here#but im an artist sifting through art youtube or spaces always willing to learn new ways of improving my art#i dont need to feel click baited like the next 3am don't this kid to learn how to improve my inking skills#if it was more a 'this is my personal preference and I wanna share it with my audience and maybe teach some things' kinda vid#id watch that too#but im just so tired of seeing art youtube going down this need to tell folks 'YOURE DOING IT ALL WRONG. THIS IS THE RIGHT WAY"
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google search how does one un-fp their fp
#beautiful princess disorder#the struggle is unfortunately so very real#thing is i cant talk about this without peoole being like ooh heheh thats a crush#LIKE NO IT FUCKING ISNT IM A CAPITAL L LESBOOOOOOO#this doesnt really make much sense sorry im sore tired and tttweakinggggg.#i wish i could. unattach myself. because its so hard giving So much more of a fuck ykwim like bro dgaf ive been leftnon read for an hour#speaking of which that isnmaking me violently andgy like Stop STOP IMMGOING TO KILL UOY WITH MYOWN YWO HANDS#whos scared of double texting? me but i do it anyway because im pathetic like that#please answer me boy i miss you#worked up like this ovee an american is nasty work
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i need to stop speaking forever.
#vent#tw suicide#i said ‘no one likes me’ as a joke/dramatics because no one wanted to do this dumb game with me#and my ‘friend’ said i was right#i know she doesn’t like me because shes said it but does she have to repeat it#you dont have to say that. i know. youve mentioned.#and my sister (whos her gf) said it was a bit rude and she just said shes not responsible for other peoples feelings#YES YOU ARE#YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHER PEOPLES FEELINGS WHEN YOU ACTIVELY TRY TO MAKE THEM FEEL BAD YOU ARE#i hate her i hope she died i hipe she kills herself i hope shes smashed between two cars in a horrible crash#sorry#im not a horrible person please i promise#i might be#i dont think im that bad but#i just dont get how bad of a person i must be for someone to tell me they dont like me straight to my face no shame teo times now#in fromt of my friends and siblings and no one cares#im sure everyone else thinks it too but theyre nice so they dont say their opinion because thats rude and shes a bitch so she doesnt care#but like#i didnt think i was that bad i dont want to be that bad ive tried i am trying to be likeable#i wish i wasnt so affected by it because i dont even like her#i wish i could fucking kill myself#i actually might be a horrible person
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Bought one of my lil nephew giannis shoes for his birthday bcs he loves giannis and these are some of the ugliest fucking things I have ever laid my eyes on in my life. anyways it's his bday today so i gave them to him. but they are so ugly. he loves them
#i am not a sneakerhead#i wish i could be . finacially i can be. but mentally i cannot#i am not a car guy either. i could. but i cant mentally#bcs the only time id get smthing pretty is to look at it. and keep it safe#and then id want to km$ for not using smthing thats intended to be used bcs i hate wasted potential#once i got these rlly nice shoes#ive worn them once when i was trying them on#and i hate myself every day for doing that but also i just cant get them dirty#BUT I HATE THAT#some ppl can do that. they get a million things and only use it once and yea i COULD but psychologically i just CANT#im friends with a lot of sneakerheads and chain wearers and while i cant mentally make myself one#i can understand why they can#like ppl always wanna excuse not helping ppl by pointing at the stuff they already have#like oh u can buy urself a chain but cant buy ur momma and u a nicer place to live#like ok so credit scores are not existent then. especially when ppl use that phrase against ppl growing into crime like#yes they are making money now but is it good clean money? no. thats not gonna go into smthing long term n hefty like a house#chains are a rlly big thing bcs sometimes some jewelers just dont ask questions. hence bmf's jeweler getting roped into their crime schemes#any business can be like that btw. like michael jacksons doctor getting paid to kill him. the difficulty lvl just changes#and also. random ppl make fun of the stuff they can see or hear right in front of them#random ppl can and will make u feel bad abt any little thing they know or see the best bcs theyre assholes like that#u wear shoes all the time everywhere. thats more and more eyes noticing how old/dirty ur shoes are#or ur cars old n busted or ur phones a fucking android like it doesnt matter. the more ppl can see. the more theyll know#the more sensitive u get abt whats actually small to u at the start but big 2 them n then it gets big 2 u#anyways yea so like. i get it. i dont do it but i can see why others do#anyways yea these shoes are so ugly lol like i dont buy merch of my favs unless the style matches mine personally#he just liked them bcs they were giannis tbh n then i pointed out they were modeled after 1 of the jerseys#which made he rlly want them a while back so i surprised him today#but yea these things are ugly lol im glad he likes them but ew LMFAO
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I wish I could redo sprites with my new techniques without actually having to, like. y'know. do it.
#i love making sprites it's genuinely really fun#but when the character already HAS sprites my brain is like 'why remake when u could give sprites to somebody who doesnt have any???'#i wish i could just press an upgrade button and have them level up#the only reason i could wrangle myself into doing the ben and veylin revamps is cause they're my specialest baby children#that said i DO wanna update mal and zurven#they're probably next#man i have made like NO sprites this year it's been laeche and harlan (and his aren't even normal) and that's it#i mean i know WHY between the grind to graduation and the health stuff there was noooo time#but now im settled back home and im like RAUGH#i wanna get back to sprites#but i kinda wanna start on mallum and zurv in new york#since the LAST new york trip was where i started the ben and veylin ones huehue
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i dont know what the plan is now, i have never had a plan for anything, but i dont want to delete the previous posts bc it feels like im trying to sweep things under the rug or act like they didnt happen
#ganondoodles talks#personal#i wish it was easier to know when to stand my ground and when to see i am wrong or when to ignore things#i am a chronical self doubter so even for the most obvious things when someone talks against me theres a moment i am hit with doubt#someone could tell me 'ganondorf is actually a perfectly true representation of all arabic people at once (somehow)'-#and i will go 'wait is he??' no hes not you idiot you know it isnt you spend alot of time learning about it the fuck#if it werent for those horrible scary (rare-not online) meltdowns i think how easily i am to doubt myself and be influenced by others is-#-what makes me feel the most childish#idk if thats an autism thing or just a me thing#even when theres a belief or opinion that is cemented into my brain unchangibly i still doubt if its right or if i am allowed it somehow#its such a contradictory thing again. easily influenced and made to doubt myself but also immovable .. even on dumb things#like theres nothing that can change how i feel about totk but i still doubt it anyway#what if i am wrong and an idiot and everyone saying the opposite of me is actually more right?? (still doesnt change opinion but doubt tm)#also can tumblr plese stop recommending me suicidal tags when i type 'what if' in here???????????????#i am trying to get OUT and AWAY from that as far as possible i dont find it funney hehe#(and i dont think i typed any of those phrases before)
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