#if it didnt make my hands hurt id just hand write it like i did in highschool

[two-calicos-in-a-trenchcoat]

Since ao3 was down for so long last night I got desperate enough that I started writing fanfic for the first time in over a decade

[midnightwriter21]

demon slayer hcs: the hashira men as boyfriends

characters: tengen, sanemi, giyuu, rengoku, muichiro, obanai

AN: i don’t write for gyomei srry

TENGEN

- this isn’t just a little fling

-mans doesn’t wanna be ur bf

-he wants to be your HUSBAND

- and he’s gonna make that happen ASAP

- and when y’all get married you’re not just getting a husband

- ur getting 3 wives too

- it’s a package deal

- overprotective!!

- the way he made his wives promise to prioritize their lives over the mission

- my heart was bursting

- carries u around

- when tengen is around ur feet hardly ever touch the floor

- doesn’t matter how big or tall u are

- he’s bigger and taller

-he's big all over if ykyk

-nicknames include: sweetheart, princess, baby

- and don’t think he’s saying those to be cute

- he’s absolutely mocking you

-which brings me to…

- this man teases the HELL out of you

- but with love

- he loves you just as much as he loves his wives

- in his mind ur alrdy married

- and he is NOT letting you go

- or letting any harm come to you as long as he can help it

- 4 lifer fr

- id marry him

SANEMI

-i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again

-he’d tear it UP

-and i’d let him

- loves you so much

- doesn’t show it in public

- but in private?

- clingy as fUck

- he’s like ur shadow fr

- will follow u around all day

- hands on ur waist

- arm around ur shoulder

- holding ur hand

- he will not let go of u when ur alone

- in public he’s a lot less touchy

- but he will still stand near you

- jealous af

- every slayer knows by now to stay tf away from you or face the wrath of the wind pillar

- you belong to him

- makes sure they know it

- makes sure you know it

-hickey MASTER

-no i will not elaborate

- everybody knows sanemi is a little rough around the edges

- so there are days when it’s hard for him to open up to you

- but he does try

- he’s got a reputation to keep up!

-gotta act tough

-no weaknesses!!

- except for u

-he’s so soft for u he can’t help it

- nicknames: dumbass, idiot, & feather (my personal favorite)

-like i said he is almost always physically connected to u in some way when ur alone

-ignore him? he's throwing u over his shoulder

-he's strong he can manhandle u all over the place

-sheeeeeshhhhh manhandle me however u want sir

-claims ur super light no matter ur size

-hence the nickname "feather"

-i love him

GIYUU

-ik damn well this man had EVERONE in a chokehold from the first second he showed up

-speaking of chokeholds... ;)

-put me in one pls sir

-anyways

-awkward as fuck

-but he tries for u

-terrible with physical affection

-but we all know he's SOOO touch starved

-you'll have to initiate any type of physical touch

-and make sure he's not uncomfortable

-but really there's nothing he wants more than to touch you

-takes a very long time to say "i love you"

-but can u blame him??

-every good thing the poor man has ever had has been ripped away from him :(

-because of this he's veryyyy protective

-cause he'll be damned if the last person he has that accepts him and loves him for all he is

-is hurt or killed

-100% will die for u without a second thought

-not really a nickname type of guy

-remember he's awkward as hell

-most you'll get is a "-chan" attached to ur name

-and even that is only when y'all are alone

-but still

-even if he doesn't always show it

-you are always on his mind

-he's on a mission and walking through a market?

-he's buying you a hairpin or som

-walking through a forest and sees some flowers?

-"i wonder if she'll like these"

-AND HE'S PICKING U A BOUQUET

-ugh soft for bf giyuu

RENGOKU

-sunshine boy!!!

- epitome of golden retriever boyfriend

-all smiles all the time

-follows u around like lost puppy

-shows off for u

-yk when ur around kids and they're like "watch this" and then they jump and spin a circle lmao

-thats him

-"did you see what i just did?!"

-if u didnt...

-he's doing it again

-wants to impress you so bad

-also you will never have to lift a finger in his presence

-service bf!!

-you need the dishes washed and the floor swept?

-he's on it

-you need help styling ur hair?

-welcome to rengoku's hair salon

-will attempt to dress you in the morning

-and by dress you, i mean he's tugging ur shirt over ur head

-zipping up ur pants

-and tying ur shoes

-brags about you to anyone and everyone

-the other hashira can't have a single conversation with him without him bringing you up somehow

-compliments compliments compliments!!!

-he loves you and isn't afraid to show it

-nicknames from him: my love, my beautiful girl, sweetheart

-constantly confessing his love

-also lowkey speaks poetry for u

-some shit like

-"my light in the darkness, the one who gives me strength, you set my heart ablaze just by allowing me the privilege of seeing your smile"

-ugh he's the sweetest baby

MUICHIRO

-my airheaded angel baby

-i love him sm stop

-baby boy has a terrible memory

-that we alrdy knew

-but!

-he tries so hard for you

-keeps a little journal with notes and information about you

-so if he forgets he can remind himself over and over

-when he's on missions away from you he reads it so he can think about you to pass the time

-can not and will not remember anniversaries

-unless they're written in that journal

-will pick u flowers

-hope ur not allergic cause he's not gonna remember that

-but it's the thought that counts

-the fact that he's thinking about you at all counts

-you wanna go on a date?

-your dates consist of watching the clouds and taking naps together

-maybe a picnic if ur lucky

-no nicknames from him

-he calls you by your name

-its all he can remember

-he's the cutest

OBANAI

-like sanemi, he's a lot less affectionate in public

-however, he's not afraid to express his thoughts about you

-at least not to the other hashira

-might not be glued to your side

-but he's got eyes on u at all times

-and someone is talking about you?

-the second he hears ur name leave somebodies mouth

-he's tuned in

-and they better not say anything negative either

-mans turns murderous

-they will wake up to a snake in their bed

-will prob threaten them within an inch of their life

-don't have to worry abt other people while he's around

-cause he's got everything

-and i mean EVERYTHING taken care of

-protective but not pushy

-i feel like obanai trusts you and your ability to handle yourself

-but thats not gonna stop him from watching over you

-you're not drinking enough water?

-here comes obanai with a cup and u better drink it all

-haven't had lunch yet?

-he's sharing his with you. and will force feed u if need be.

-on a mission with him?

-he's not gonna push u behind him or anything

-but nothing is gonna get the chance to bring any harm to you either

-he's got ur back

-he's pretty vanilla with the nicknames

-nothing too crazy

-especially in public

-mostly uses ur first name

-might add a "-chan" in there every once in a while

-when ur alone he'll call you "sweetie"

-acts like a hard ass

-but he's soft for u

[kadwrites]

the shelby charm | T.S

previous part | next part

or check out the series masterlist

summary ; tommy demonstrates his charm on an unsuspecting girl.

warnings ; idk bad writing? arranged marriage trope, soft!tommy bc hes so babygirl idc,

a/n ; let me know what you guys think! and im so glad you guys are liking this series <3 i genuinely didnt even think id write a second part but here we are ig

-

"she what?" madeline asks with a gasp , her jaw is dropped.fiona froze mid-sip with her eyes wide open

"i know!" you nod , leaning in closer with your arms resting on the dining table. your eyes are wide, and you're laughing, still in disbelief of what happened.

it was around 8 in the morning, madeline and fiona dropped by early, they were too curious and excited to wait any longer.

celest is pacing around the table, with her 1 year old daughter rose , in her arms as she bounces her, shaking her head as if she can't believe it happened. you already told her the whole story, but she's still somehow taken aback

your parents are still asleep, the house is lit by the warm morning sunlight,  the scent of tea and toasted bread wafts around the house.

"she said ya cornered 'er? really?" madeline repeats what you said

"what else did she say to 'im?" fiona asks with a raised brow, she leans in closer as well

"i don't know , he didn't tell me anything besides that" you mutter, taking a bite of your slightly burned toast

"and he drove ya home?" fiona wiggles her brows at you 

"aye , he did. because that aunt of his left me stranded in that fucking office."

"she probably did that on purpose." celest adds with a laugh

"of course she fucking did" you say with a sigh

"he insisted on driving ya home aye?" celest teases , she sits on the table with you, bouncing rose on her lap.

"what kind of man would let a defenseless woman walk alone in the dark streets of birmingham" you resent that it made you feel giddy, you really did. it was just a polite gesture, you tell yourself.

"and what did he say to 'er afterwards?" fiona looks at you intently, too invested in the story to tease you.

"so that woman walks in yeah, and she walks straight to 'im. at that point she hadn't even said a word to me. and asks 'im to sign a fucking paper or something" you tuck a strand behind your ear and bringing your chair closer to the table. "and he says oh so y've met my fiancee ?"

at your words, everyone squeals  and giggles 

"would you shut up? it wasn't like that." you say with a whine, covering your face slightly 

"why else would he say that then?"

"to make 'er jealous? i dont know" you furrow your brows, taking another bite of toast 

"he did it to let 'er know what 'er place is" celest nods as she speaks, her daughter watches all of you , babbling as if adding to the conversation.

"anyways" you wave a dismissive hand "she said that she did and then he tells 'er that i'll be visiting the office often and he'd like 'er make me feel welcomed when hes not around"  you hold back a small smile that threatened to escape you.

it's childish, really. you didn't know the man, hell only a week ago, you hated the sound of his name.

all of them giggle and squeal, again. as if they were school girls

"i bet she cried 'erself to sleep that night" fiona snorts a laugh, sipping her tea 

"did you ask 'im if he's sleeping with 'er?" madeline chimes in

"i did, and he said he wasn't" you shrugged, leaning back on the chair

"and do ya believe 'im?" celest asks, not in a mocking or sarcastic way. she's genuinely curious 

"i think i do?" you sigh, then lick your lips "he seemed honest enough i guess? he hardly seems like the kind of man that would give two fucks if he hurt my feelings so i doubt he'd lie about it for my sake"

"but isn't he a bit of a whore?" fiona's draw together as she looks at celest then back at you 

"he is but what im saying is i don't think there's any reason for 'im to lie, its not like we're in love or anything" you rest your chin on you hand, 

"ask polly" celest is still holding her daughter, feeding her small pieces of bread "that woman knows everything" she mutters 

"and say what? hello mrs gray, would ya please tell me if your nephew is fucking his secretary?"

before any one else could talk , a knock on the door makes all of you go quiet , you looked at celest and clicked your tongue "ya just had to say 'er name didn't ya?"

alas , when you opened the door it wasn't polly gray's smirk that greeted you , but the icy blue eyes of her nephew.

"thomas" you're almost dumbfounded, your mouth slightly opened, you blink a couple of times. 

"y/n."

his voice was slightly deeper than you remember, or maybe it was the trance that made it seem that way.

"what are you doing here?" you tilt your head.

behind you, fiona and madeline are trying to snag a peek, you can hear their muttering but you hope he doesn't 

"i would like ya to come by the office today,"

"why?" you stare at him, he's standing on your doorstep, in his suit, coat, and infamous hat.

"there are some things we need to go over."

you then realize that he's been standing on your doorstep, you step back, opening the door "im sorry, come in."

you hear the footsteps of madeline and fiona they scurry up the stairs, celest hides in the kitchen

you walk him back to the living room, and he sits down on the sofa "ya had company over?"

you look back at the dining table, then at him

"sort of."

"who?"

"some friends"

he humms and nods, still looking at you, but that tension is broken when you hear the sound of rose babbling, you look down and shes crawling on the floor.

she probably escaped while celest was too busy eavesdropping 

he looks at her as well , "who's baby is this?"

you bend down to pick her up, and she giggles "she's rose, my sisters daughter."

you just smile at her, as she stares back at tommy then back at you, as if asking you who that man is

he stands up, his finger grazes her cheek "she looks a lot like you."

you humm, looking at her "because i look like celest"

"may i?" he asks you as he looks at her

you hesitate, rose is a fussy baby. "she's really fussy."

"i'll give 'er back if she cries."

you let him pick her up, and he just stares back at her for a while before you see his dimples peek through. "i think shes too shocked to even cry" he mumbles 

you watch, you're both amused and mesmerized "me and 'er both."

he looks at you "what? i thought ya knew that i 'ave a son."

"i did, but i didn't know you were the baby carrying kind of dad."

"i carry 'im whenever i can."

whenever i can , you forgot how much his work probably takes away. from him and his son.

he's so gentle with her though, as she looks at him inquisitively, curiously grabbing onto his coat. he takes off the hat and drops it on the sofa, so she wouldn't cut herself.

"can you hold 'er while i go change?"

"i think i can manage, just don't be too long" 

you hurry and go up the stairs, so she wouldn't notice your absence and cry. and at the top of the stairs, you're greeted with the faces of fiona and madeline as they try to hold back their squeals 

"shhhh!!" you put a finger against your lips and push them into your room 

they start silently squealing, if there is such a thing "he is such a dish."

"oh my god, oh my god"

"did ya see 'im holding rose? that was such a domestic moment between you two, i bet youre already falling for 'im aye?" fiona is almost vibrating with excitement 

"shut up." you mutter as you change your clothes "im tired of this family's surprise visits." you turn to the vanity, fixing your hair, putting on some makeup.

"look at 'er, rushing to look good for 'er fiance" fiona teases 

"or maybe it's for that pesky secretary? to show 'er that he's 'yours' ?" madeline wiggles her brows

"when i said that the novel you two read was ruining you, this is what i meant" you mumble as you put your lipstick down, and grabbing a pair of pearl earrings, they'll probably do.

you grab a coat from the closet and walk out ,ignoring the teasing noises of your friends. you hear rose's laugh and you just smile instinctively as you make your way down. when you reach the doorway, you see him throwing her in the air, not too high though just enough to get her to laugh.

"ah i see y've won 'er over." you walk closer, standing before him "so this is the shelby charm , then?"

a soft smile takes over his lips "she's easily impressed."

you reach for her, and he gives her back to you. 

"ya can go to the car now, i'll just go put 'er in the crib."

he nods , taking his hat and putting it back on as he walks out of the house.

"you can come out now!" you call for celest and she rushes out of the kitchen and grabs her daughter 

"what's with the smile?" she asks you with a knowing look 

"what ? can't i smile without you lot thinking im in love with 'im now?" you turn around and walk to the door, putting your shoes on. you didn't even know you were still smiling.

celest just lets out a laugh, as she bounces rose

"say what ya want, i know ya better than ya think i do."

you glare at her before leaving the house and walking to the car, you see him leaning against it before walking and opening the passenger door for you.

you get in the car, and a moment later he does too, and you pray to whoever is looking over you that this car ride won't be awkward.

-

@tardisloverz , @optimisticsandwichgladiator , @theshelbyslimited , @illuminwtesz

[the-record]

ICU

SUMMARY: ellies lost her keys…again… luckily dina’s pretty friend has an empty bed

PAIRING: ellie williams x reader

WARNINGS: none?

A/N: i missed these and yall!! not fully back but i miss writing also if u see stranger things content don’t be alarmed! still v much in love with ellie and abs

‘ I FEEL SOMETHING WHEN I SEE YOU NOW ‘

elliewilliams

elliewilliams LET ME INNNNNNNN. JOEL PLEASE LET ME INNNNNNNN

tagged: joelmmm

load comments…

dina_nolastname BAAHHAHA IMAGIWN 

   elliewilliams i HATE you CRY URSELF TO SLEEP

joelmmm 💤💤💤

   elliewilliams JOEL PLEASE UTS COLD

   elliewilliams IM TIRED AND IM VERY SORRY 

   elliewilliams JOELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

jessesucks go to tommy and marias stupid

   elliewilliams why didnt i think of that? oh wait I DID ITS 2 AM AND THEY HAVE A BABY STUPJD HOW DID YOU EVEN GRADUATE??!!?!?!

yourusername did u lose ur key again

   elliewilliams …no… also HOW DO U KNOW AB THAT?!?!

      yourusername dina talks a LOT when shes drunk

angel: ellie come to mine

ellie: huh?

a: ur locked out, im not, my beds made, urs probably isnt, come over.

e: u barely know me?!?!?

a: dina trusts u idc, come over rn or ill pick u up.

e: send me ur address.

“this was really nice of you.” ellies voice breaks the silence as make room for her beside you. you wave your hand, no worries, but she insists. “no seriously, you could’ve let me die. freeze. starve even.”

when you laugh she doesn’t think she’s ever heard a better sound. “ellie i don’t think any of those things would’ve happened.” you smile and lean on an elbow to look at her. “and i really don’t mind, gets lonely anyways. need a loser dork to fill the silence.” you tease.

she gasps in faux hurt, tracing an imaginary tear down her face.

elliewilliams

elliewilliams an ANGEL yall. $10,000,000 for her and her only.

tagged: yourinstagram

load comments…

yourusername bye i let you stay over a night 😭 i didnt cure cancer

   elliewilliams ur right. $100,000,000 mb

dina_nolastname *sighs*

   elliewilliams i hate you.

joelmmm yourusername I am so sorry Ellie intruded, I’ll pay you for your time and kindness. 

   yourusername 😭😭 damn

      elliewilliams ignore him, he drinks

         yourusername its 8 am.

jessesucks oh you will NEVER live this down.

   elliewilliams blocked.

a_anderson you are an embarrassment to society!

   elliewilliams i hate all of u.

e: hey!

a: real chipper today huh

e: didn’t lose my key all week so yes very

e: i have a question tho

a: lmao im gonna steal ur key from u, whats up?

e: do u wanna go to a concert this weekend??

e: i bought the tickets for dina and i but she cancelled last minute and jesse cant go

e: its like 2 hours away on saturday 

e: also do NOT touch my key please i m begging

a: yea actually id love too :)

a: text me the details

e: great

e: okay yea ofc

elliewilliams 

elliewilliams so…

tagged: yourusername 

load comments…

dina_nolastname MRS STEAL UR GIRL 

   elliewilliams SHE WAS NEVER URS!!!

jessesucks GASPING when did this development occur.

   elliewilliams 🤓☝️

      jessesucks BREAK UP

yourusername girl on the left is sooo fine

   elliewilliams crazy, im more into the one on the right

   dina_nolastname yall r EMBARRASSING 

joelmmm yourinstagram Come for dinner tomorrow! Would love to meet Ellie’s pick of the month. 🩷

   yourinstagram GOODBYEEE

   elliewilliams JOEL?!?!??!!!??!

yourusername

yourusername in an interesting turn of events…

tagged: elliewilliams

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jessesucks GAG

   yourusername this is why dina dumped you! 💋

      dina_nolastname BYEEE true tho

elliewilliams bruh we are so cute

   yourusername okay “bruh”

      elliewilliams WIAT OM SORRY

dina_nolastname mrs. stolen girl 💔💔

   yourusername im always urs bae 

a_anderson wheres MY cute gf damn.

   yourusername I KNOW SOMEONE WHOO LIIIIIIKES YOU!!

      a_anderson SPILL. 

   elliewilliams go away! 💋

a: hey

e: hi

a: come over?

a: please?

e: are you okay??

a: just please come over.

e: im omw right now

e: be there in 10

e: unlock the front door

a knock on your door wakes you from the light sleep you’d been in. a small ‘come in’ has ellie gently opening the door and walking softly towards your bed. her hands brush hair from your face, a kind smile on her face. something you can’t pinpoint in her eyes.

“you doing okay babe?” her voice is just above a whisper, though no one else would be home to hear it otherwise. “tired?”

you hum an answer out and reach for one of her hands, fiddling with her rings and avoiding her eyes. “can you turn off the light and sit with me?” she smiles and nods, savoring one more second before standing and taking off her jacket while walking to the switch.

its still light out, the evening sun beginning to set but still lighting up enough of your room. as she’s getting in beside you, she notices what you’re wearing. “nice shirt,” ellie says with a snort.

its one of hers, you stole it a few weeks ago with no intention of giving it back. her heart grows as a small smile graces your features. “there she is.” you flush and turn away. she coos teasingly while getting comfortable behind you.

when you do turn, shes the perfect pillow. her fingers trace your features as your eyes shutter closed.

e: hi love, you wanna do something today?

a: you have something in mind?

e: thought we could go bowling 

e: that new bowling place just opened downtown, looks cute

a: kinda tired. do something at home?

e: alreadyomw with snacks for u

a: youre the best.

a: i miss you.

e: i miss you too. you doing okay?

a: are you at work

a: im tired

e: i get off in 30 

e: come over to mine, joel will let you in

a: okay

elliewilliams 

elliewilliams bbg needs a NAP theyre grouchy

tagged: yourusername 

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yourusername i know where you live.

   elliewilliams LOVE YA!

joelmmm Photo creds.

   elliewilliams sighs.

dina_nolastname angel ALWAYS needs nap bro gets really grumpy

   yourusername I ALSO KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE

      dina_nolastname see? grumpy.

jessesucks we’ve all seen the pictures she looks absolutely BEAUTIFUL, uhm… and he’s there… (ellie is he)

   dina_nolastname (ellie is he) BYE

   yourusername HEY JESSIE WOAHHH FEELS LIKE A PARTY EVERYDAY

   elliewilliams remember when dina dumped u?

a: can we go to the aquarium 

e: you feel up to it?

a: no obviously i asked because i don’t 

e: OKAY SORRY DAMN

e: god just being a supportive girlfriend and this is what i get. 

a: GOODBYE I DONT WANNA GO ANYMORE

e: no im sorry im sorry im sorry i wanna go

a: YAY

a: pick me up in 30 pls

e: of course love 

e: im glad you’re feeling better

e: very excited rn

yourusername

yourusername finally left the house after 72628748829 years 

tagged: elliewilliams

load comments…

elliewilliams @ the guy who took this for us ur so real

   yourusername YEA!!!!!!

dina_nolastname yall r so cute CRY

   yourusername u want me fr

jessesucks ICK

   dina_nolastname this is why i dumped u

elliewilliams 

elliewilliams a moment for the gf!

tagged: yourusername

load comments…

yourusername OF ALL THE THINGS YOU POST THIS?!?!? THIS?!!!!!!!?

   elliewilliams but u look so pretty

      yourusername CHOKE ily

         elliewilliams I love YOU

dina_nolastname my wife is so gorg

   elliewilliams back off?

      yourusername LADIES LADIES theres enough of me to go around

jessesucks cute ig

joelmmm You found a good one babygirl! 

   elliewilliams DAMN RIGHT I DID

e: hey i love you

a: i love you too

a: u lose ur key again?

e: …

a: ffs come over good god

e: already here!

a: R U IN MY KITCHEN??!

e: ur mom says hi

e: be up in a sec!! snacks!

[nqify]

I saw ur submissive reader and OMG GIRL IMAGINE THE OPPOSITE, like human!reader being bratty n' teasing all day like using mini skirts (in public), letting other guys flirt with you, being all bubbly and shi infront of other guys, and the whole situation turns into navi!miles brat taming you (imagine him with a spanking kink too)

AND ALSO HIM SAYING STUFF LIKE "whats with sniffling cupcake, didnt you ask for this?" While the reader is literally being fucked dumb

Also have a great day!!

YESYEYSYES!!!! BEEN NEEDING TO WRITE THIS!!

so many ppl have actually requested brat taming!miles or brat!reader so Ima combined all those requests into this one if y’all alright with that!!

brat taming. — miles quaritch ☆

pairings. brat tamer.na’vi!miles quaritch. brat.fem!reader

content warnings. spanking. little bit of sir kink. daddy kink ofc.

note. this kinda like sadist!quaritch but WITH MORE DETAIL AAAAAAA

as much as miles would love his s/o to be submissive and listen to every word he says, he also likes being challenged. the way you talk back to him or even ignore his requests rlly gets this man GOING!!!

It’s the simple things! he’d ask you, “sweets, grab that book for me yeah?” you just look at him dead in the face and say, “get it yourself, you have legs don’t you?” nah why is he getting turned on.

you’d test the waters a bit, constantly being a brat around miles to see if he breaks!! you’d try your hardest, letting lyle touch you, laughing at his jokes a little to hard and constantly compliment him.

you could see miles at the corner of your eye, hes looking at you, a lustful angry look is spread across his face. His ears low and his tail swaying side to side. You smirk, you’ve won!!!!

you’d be alone in a room and he’d come running, “you think ur funny huh?” His arms would be crossed, leaning his body against the door frame. “wdym, miles?” acting as clueless as ever. “dont get all dumb with me mama, I know exactly what your doing” his tone is stern. you shrug your shoulders, “I don’t know what ur talking about” yeah you hit a nerve.

He’d walk up to you. “you better cut the shit baby, I’m giving you one more chance” ur not breaking. ur still acting clueless, like wtf r u saying daddy??

oh he is pissed now. he’d grab your throat, squeezing down and blocking your air pip, “such a fucking stupid baby, you’d do anything to get dicked down wouldn’t you?” your hand is placed on his wrist, your shaking ur head like NO!!!!! but yeah u right

“cmon baby, I know you would, say it cmon, say it and maybe you’ll punishment won’t be so bad” UR NOT SAYING SHIT!!!!

he’d release the hand from ur throat, “ur ass better be in my room in 5, u hear me mama???” yes daddy.

ur RUNNING to his room, the dick too good girl fr. You sit on the bed, nervously biting your nails and questioning everything you’ve done. Was it rlly worth making miles so worked up??? (Yes)

you hear the door open, shit GIRL RUN!!!! this mf rlly chuckling like he walks in and starts laughing at you. “strip”, ur stunned, “w-what?”, “you heard what I said, strip baby” u r RUSHING to get ur clothes off. You’d get to ur panties and miles is like, “uh uh, keep those on for me” anything for u daddy!!!

”want u on all fours mama, ass up in the air for me” and ofc u did!!! you could feel his presence behind you, he’d grab your ass and squeeze the FUCK outta it. and the BOOM SPANK!! ur shocked asf!! “you’d think id let the shit u did slide baby?? uh uh, gonna have to fuck u dumb” GIRL HAVE FUN WITH THAT!!!!

he spanks you again, “how many spanks do u deserve baby?” you shrug, “I-I don’t know” he smiling a little omg. “10 it is then”

SPANK SPANK SPANK!!!! over and over again this mf hitting ur ass till it’s red asf!! ur whining and complaining, “please miles I’ll behave now!! it hurts” he is not taking that. “shut the fuck up slut, ur taking this wether u like it or not, u hear me??” Yes I hear u daddy.

he slaps ur ass one more time before snaking his hand down to ur pussy. He rubs ur clothed clit just a little, to tease you. “look at this pussy baby, u think u deserve to cum??” U nod ur head. He leans down to where his chest is hitting ur back, “u r so fucking dumb” omg…..degrading!miles!!!

this mf is pounding into you from behind, his thrusts are hard and so so deep!! his reaching all the right places. this guy making u think you’ve won. NAH UH!!! like ur about to cum, fluttering around his dick when he stops, pulls your body up, back hitting his chest and say some shit like, “ur so fucking stupid baby, u rlly think Ima let you cum? U think daddy is gonna let his stupid little slut cum after what she did huh baby???” Your whimpered, clawing at his hands on ur hips. Def gonna leave some bruises, “answer me”, “I-I’m sorry sir!!! pls, let me c-cum I’ll do anything” he LAUGHING!!

”oh so ur sorry now huh?? u weren’t so sorry before when u were practically eye fucking lyle??” girl I feel sorry for u. “u want him to fuck u?? u want him to take this pussy and call it his mama??” U shake ur head no, letting out small cries as he begins to buck his hips into urs, “Yeah that’s right, cuz this dick to good huh mama?? this dick makes u so so stupid doesn’t it??” YEAH IT DOES

he flips you over to were ur now facing him, his hands immediately touch ur bottom lip, “open” HE SPITS IN UR MOUTH OMF. “swallow baby, lemme see” u swallow and open ur mouth again, “now ur listening, good girl”

hes being so harsh on you, his hands are digging into ur hips, his thrust are hard and his kisses are quick and dry. girl u are crying. Tears begin to travel down ur cheeks and miles just scoffs.

“what’s with the sniffling princess?? u asked for this didn’t you?? You wanted daddy to fuck u till u go all dumb over his cock right??” u can’t seem to find the words to answer, u just open ur mouth and hope for the best. Moans and whines escape ur throat. he’d won. “yeah look at you, so fucked out all from my big dick, c’mere give daddy a kiss” he leans down and softly kisses ur lips. this kiss was a different tho, it wasn’t quick, it was slow and passionate. His tongue was exploding every inch of ur cave.

Girl he is moaning into ur mouth. little, “mms” or “a-ah fuck” are COMING FROM THIS MANS THROAT AS YALL KISS. it’s driving u mad and his knows it. He pulls away, you whine in response. HES IN AWE “u finally gonna be a good girl for me??, u gonna stop being a brat and let daddy be in charge??” yes ofc omg

”Y-yes daddy!! pls l-let me cum!! wanna cum so b-bad!!” ur begging for him girlomg. he smirks down at u, pleased that his punishment is working. “cmon say it mama, say you’ll be a good girl”, “I’ll be a g-good girl!! I promise p-please!! so close” HE FINALLY BROKE U OMG!!!!

he could feel u fluttering around him more and more, “much better, cum for me baby, you’ve been a good girl” GIRL EXPLODING!!!!!!

nah but why is this the worse thing I have ever written.

requests are officially closed!! only for a few days so I can get this requests out!! if ur request hasn’t been done in that time frame it is either bc writers block, not enough information or smth I would NEVER WRITE LIKE😨😨😨

[neth-cactus]

iiiii ummm uhhh little drawings from the fic cus i fixated on my own writting jabsjwhdhe i have a looot to talk about so i will do it under the cut, the fic link will also be here

my girly pop, its weird posting stuff on ao3 but like shes there, the whole fic is me posting random little stuff i wrote on a whim so it will be noticeable dhbfjsjd also warning I might have made everyone a biiit out of character so im kinda sorry lols

now for fun notes and stuff about the chapters i did not add to the end notes

"The sun shines bright" not much to not other than after this clover's hand hurt for like a day and flowey bullied the peck out of them,,, also this is the only time flowey calls clover an idiot on this fic

"The flower pot incident" after the end clover spends like 10 minutes explaining everything about flowey, but he explains it like a little kid would, making it confusing as hell, so ceroba gives up and just like pats him and tells them to be good or smth, it was the same with everyone else

also bad quality comic of how the pot came to be

"What kind of milk were you?" the song came in as i was finishing the chapter and it fitted so well i named the chapter after it, as i mentioned it was me like poking gently to clover's life before the underground, his thought process was mostly thinking marlet was angry at them over doing the dishes in "secret" idk how to explain it but yeah :( poor little fella, also as noted at the end, flowey observed all happening and just like kept in mind

"Sewing back the pieces" I loved imagining how clover's room looked, and i had to include it, more joking around from the best friends, id like to think clover knows how to sew but they are just a bit clumsy with the needle, also those things are slippery...

"The calm before the mall" I feel proud about the title pun(? but this is also what i kind of meant with flowey keeping things on mind, by the time of this chapter a bit of time has passed of them living with humans, and flowey knows how stuff can be and how clover is a biiit shy so thats why the warning was persistent, it didnt work but meh

"Fertilizer is a fun word" IT IS A FUN WORD i love writing it lol, but seriously, i tried exemplifying more the thing of clover not speaking a lot so flowey does most of the talking for them, they do speak a bit but its short sentences and very quietly,

"You are just a boy, you are no man" this one will be long again the song fitted and it came on while writing the middle lol, clover does not know very well about the whole story with chara, but they do know that buttercups are meaningful in some sort of way for flowey so thats why they picked them, now is fun to note that the comments about their friends being monsters did bother clover but the one comment that like spilled the cup was the age one, that one hit deep and thats why they reacted that way, also the amount of people did not bother clover that much when they arrived but like the panic and stuff made them very aware of everyone around and med everything worse so ye, lastly, another time flowey calls someone idiot, this time dalv (sorry king)

i think thats all, if there's a specific choice yall are curios about feel free to tell me :3 i will probably have an answer for it

[marcygoo]

okazyyyy here we go. parts from murder drones eps 6-7 that really tickle my brain that i never see people mention like ever (if you come into the reblogs or comments of this post being like "why didnt you include (x part that everyone talks about)!!!" then that is why. and also i am going. to Eat You.) this isnt really going to be organized or anything. basically just me being abnormal about sounds and movements and other minuscule details that im really fond of for however many words

okay, first thing is gonna be a sound thing. i absolutely LOVE the beeping sound uzi's visor makes in this part. i really like sounds.

cant get a good screenshot of the movement cus.. yknow. duh. movement. but the way alice moves from there to the ground to where v is so. idk. fluid. its so fun to look at i really like it

the finger snap here. i love this finger snap. the noise. the movement. its so good. its so crisp. i love it

the lighting on uzi's face. forgive me for using the word crisp twice in a row but its crisp. its really good. okay

and the lighting on n's face here??? the colors are so harsh. i really like looking at it. okay. i feel like im not writing enough to just describe how much i like the lighting here. i really like it. its cool. okay i think its cool. i dunno

i really like this hallway. thats it. thats the section. the way the camera slowly tilts just a little bit while it zooms in? the way the slowed down music in the background almost sounds like alarm sirens? like okay

another thing i cant capture properly because, duh, movement! but the way the red sentinel kind of dips down here? i dont know why it did that but it slayed. and id like you all to ignore the fact that my nyan cat youtube bar got caught in the screenshot

the sound effect that plays here when "tessa" cuts herself with the sword. i dunno. its just a really satisfying sound to me thats all

another thing about sound effects really close to the last one but. the sorta crunching noises that uzis hand being contorted here make. im normal about sounds i promise. ok on to episode 7

the lighting here. on nori. insane. im not normal. as mentioned before with n i love this kind of harsh lighting especially with the drones it just looks so visually appealing

okay ANOTHER part i cant properly capture. this bit where it zooms in on the screen and shows the elevator. im. not normal about it. i really really like it alright.

UGHHHH THE WAY UZIS HAND MOVES HERE. THE MOVEMENT. THE FLUIDITY OF IT. IM ACTUALLY OBSESSED. AAUUGHHHHHHHHHHGGGGHHHHHH

LETS EAT!!!! DUDE. UGHHHH. AUGH. i LOVE this part SO MUCH you guys have no idea. im obsessed with it. the line delivery. the pose. the shot. the implications. the way that its just such a simple and commonly used phrase. do you get it. do you understand. genuinely one of my favorite little parts in the whole series im not kidding. let's eat

o-o-o-o-ow! ! !!! i always love the glitched voice effects alright. and that combined with the movement of nori's body being forced back by the crucifix. idk. i dunno man. i just like it

and UGH. LITERALLY right after that. the lighting flash just as she pulls it out of her face????? i hate this show so much guys. aughhhhhUGHHHHHHHHH AUGHJJ

grrrr this part. i literally NEVER see people mention it but. the way uzi.. the solver.... uh. whagever. the way their eyes sorta wobble when they turn to look up at n and nori. its a really cool movement to me i dunno

THE CRUNCHING NOISE WITH THE MOUTH GETTING PULLED SO FAST FROM A TINY FROWN TO A HUGE SMILE LIKE THAT??? EWWW????? INSANE. CRAZY. I LOVVE ITTT AUGH

no comment needed. the 😁

ok im kinda putting a lot of stuff from this fight on here. forgive me. its got a lot of really cool stuff. this part like. like. the way all the sound gets kinda muffled and crunchy.. aughh.... i love it. hurts me in my bones. 10/10

ok bit of an unusual thing to point out here but. the solvers flapping here. its so strange. it looks so weird and mechanical to me. in a good way i love it

the hand twitch. no further comment.

eugh. this part. the way the coagulated blood (???) almost jiggles like jelly. eughhh ewwwwwww. why are you like thattttt. (positive! i love blood.)

drone sound: much, crunch (i REALLY like the sound effect that plays when uh... flesha. bends down and Crunches dolls core. the sorta glass breaking sound. sorry doll.)

the fucking frog blink. why are you like that. i hate this thing so much.

the music that starts up right as j lands.. eughjghgjhhhh. augh. dies. also side note that i wasnt able to fit really anywhere. but i love the sound that the ship makes. dont know how to describe it but yknow what im talking about right

the fucking. sound effect. of uzi stabbing her own hand with the protruding bone. crunch. i really really love crunchy crunching sounds. theyre so good. one of my favorites honestly

uh. okay. well thats it thats the post. thanks for coming to my Autism. walks away

[princesssmars]

something new pt.II

a monet de haan x reader

the royals of constance billiard have invited you into their ranks, and the princess seems to have a motive.

contains: slighttt angst for kinda shitty parents in the start/middle. mostly fluff and me loving monet. maybe some ooc moments. the writing style changing every section. not really proof read we die like men.

a/n: writing this i realized that the group in ggrb does. not have a name. so corny ass "the royals" it is ! <3 this took me forever but im inspired by gg spotify playlists and pure gay yearning. also what the hell do you call someone with black hair.

.

.

.

if there's one thing you should have expected from becoming friends with the royals of constance billard, it was how quickly they got stuff done.

on your way home from the charity benefit hall, you opened your phone to see that the six enigmas you had met at the party had all followed you and already added you to a group chat. as soon as you open it you already see audrey tagging you and telling you how you're all meeting up tomorrow to go shopping, apparently. lucky you.

once you arrived at your parents townhouse, maybe one of the only things you found bearble at this point was your new home, for its gorgeous interior and exterior and your spacious room, you rushed inside and up to your room so as to avoid whatever bullshit about your behavior they're going to chastise. after cleaning yourself up and getting ready for bed, you laid down and typed ‘sounds like a plan. see u tmmrw.’

putting your phone on your nighstand to charge, you were left to stare at your ceiling and ponder over what happened tonight and asking why. why did these people gravitate to you so quickly? did they just want another rich kid to add to their posse? you knew people just used each other often in your world of the rich and powerful, but god did it seem unappealing.

as much as you hated to admit it, you wanted real friends. hell, maybe even a girlfriend.

as the thought crossed your mind, a certain brown skinned girl with ombre twists crossed your mind, making you jolt up in bed.

“no…no no no dont do that.” you whisper and smack your cheeks, trying to convince yourself that no, you didnt have a crush on probably the most beautiful girl you've ever seen. that was crazy. pure insanity.

it made no sense. you could tell the kind of person she was, the queen bee, (technically the queen bee's second hand, intriguing), the girl everyone wanted or wanted to be and she knew it.

she also seemed a bit mean, which you were normally into.

but you didnt want to get yourself hurt.

not after what happened last time.

and so you fall asleep, thinking of pretty clothes and fake smiles.

youre rudely awakened by your alarm at around eight am, set the night before so you could get ready for the day ahead. you get up from bed, struggling to not check your notifications and messages on your phone before making your way to your on suite bathroom. in there you do your usual morning routine, rinsing off your body in the shower and doing your facial routine at the sink.

once youre finished, you head over to your closet to pick out an outfit when youre phone starts ringing. you see the caller id is max, and you swipe on the green to answer. "hello? you get up ths early too?"

"nah, but i had a feeling you would be. seem like the early bird type." max's voice drawls through the phone, still deep with the effects of sleep. "are you up at the asscrack of dawn because youre excited or because youre used to it?"

you laugh slightly, flipping through your pants and your skirts. "a bit of both, actually. my parents always made me get up really early so i know i have time to do everything. but the sunrise is also pretty."

max's voice laughs through the phone. "thats a good reason, ill admit. personally i like the sunset better."

"then i guess we've come to an empasse..." your voice trails off, finally finding a suitable outfit for looking nice but also being comfy while you walk around. "im about to get dressed, should i call you back?"

"nope put me on speaker, we've got things to talk about before we go shopping today." he states. youre confused, but put the speaker on anyway, giving him the go ahead to start talking.

"alright, youve probably already guessed this because you seem smart, but we all kinddd of want something from you." his bluntness makes you giggle.

"want something? from me? i sure hope its not my money." you joke, smiling as you hear his playful scoff from the phone.

"trust me, we're covered on that front. it was really julien and monets idea to bring you into the group, which congrats for getting in at the speed of light, by the way. i wasnt expecting any new additions considering weve all been mostly best friends for years."

this was monets idea?, you think to yourself as you finally wiggle into your clothing. there was a bit of a connection last night, but you didnt think it was strong enough for someone as seemingly impassive as her to start indoctrinating you into her friend group.

"what do you mean by mostly? you all seemed close from what i saw." you question.

max sighs through the phone, telling you that you might have guessed wrong. "its...a bit complicated. ill explain more of it later. my dads are calling me for breakfast. by the way, do you want me to pick you up later? i dont mind."

"sure, i want to hear all of the group secrets on the way there, though." you joke, laughing harder when he gives a fake laugh through the phone before saying your goodbyes.

after youve gotten dressed and made sure you had everything, you head downstairs to get a quick morning snack before the drive.

after grabbing your quick bite, youre stopped in your tracks by the sight of your mother in the doorway. she's wearing sportswear and her skin is slightly sweaty, meaning she just came back from her morning run. she eyes the food in your hand and you scoff, brushing past her to the front door.

for the next few minutes you stand in front of your home, scrolling through your socials and lightly listening to music until a honk makes you jerk your head up. in front of the sidewalk sits a very nice white car, with a smiling brunette boy looking straight at you.

"hurry up! i dont wanna hear audrey badger me for being late." he yells, making you match his bright smile. you get comfortable in the front seat, already vibing with the song he has playing from his spotify and the sweet smell of his car.

"do you really use a jelly bean air freshener?"

"i needed one that fit my personality."

"ah, i was wondering why i liked you so much."

throughout the drive to the mall, you get closer and laugh more with max, showing each other your favorite songs and laughing at each others lip syncing. after a few minutes, you finally ask him the question thats been on your mind.

"what did you mean earlier when you said you all...mostly got along?"

he stares straight at the road for a few seconds, the corner of his lips quirking up. "do you still talk to the people youve known since you were little? and i mean really little-preschool age."

you think about it beofre shaking you head. because of your parents frequent moving, you didnt make any solid connections. hopefully that would change soon.

"well youre kinda lucky. it sounds great when youre young to be best friends forever but in high school people...change. it starts slowly at first but it gets more noticable. i mean, when we were kids aki was like the mediator of the group, but now hes more impassive. audrey was the mother hen but now shes more overbearing, the list goes on." he rants, his voice sounding more melancholic as he goes on. "dont get me wrong, i love my friends but...everythings changing."

you nod along as he talks about his worries, giving him someone to vent to and taking in all of the information hes telling you.

.

.

.

max parks and you both make your way to the entrance, and he laughs at the look on your face when he says next time you should use the subway.

once inside, the rest of your new group of "friends" come up to you both.

"yn! i hope you made it here alright, hopefully max didnt talk your ear off on the way here." aki says, standing in front of you hand in hand with audrey, who smiles at you.

"youre just soo funny, menzies. you really should pursue a career in comedy." max jokes dryly, punching his friend in the arm playfully. as they start a playful arument, audrey takes your hand and pulls you over to where her and julien were standing.

"its so nice to see you again, yn," julien greets you and takes your arm in hers, audrey taking the one on your other side, "todays gonna be so fun, i promise. monet and luna are over in gucci, but i was thinking of heading over to saks..."

"why dont we meet them in gucci? then we can all shop together..." you suggest, your voice trailing off when you catch the look max is giving you in the corner of your eye.

julien smiles, tugging you along.

you get to the store, eyeing the collection of clothing, purses, and shoes. after a few seconds of looking around, your eyes connect with monets from across the store.

luna is next to her, the noirette talking lowly while shes observing a heel in her hand. but monets eyes stay on you, humming along to whatever shes saying-

"i think this would look pretty on you, yn," audreys soft voice yanks you out of your trance, holding up a cropped coat up to your chest, observing it from all angles.

"yeah, you're right. but its still august, isnt it a little too soon for a coat?"

"it'll get cold quick." monets voice pops up from the other side of audrey, startling you a bit. "didnt you live in maine previously? i wouldve thought all they had was lobsters and snow."

"i traveled with my parents in the winter months often, so i didnt feel the cold. but there were some perks of living there. a lot less...trash."

monets eyes widen and audrey barely stifles a laugh at your comment, the former slightly glaring at the two of you. audrey composes herself quickly.

"monet is right, once it hits late september the temperature starts dropping quick. youre buying it." audrey thrusts the piece of clothing in your hand, starting to look for more in the expensive collection.

monet still stands in front of you, smiling at you with an emotion in her eyes you cant quite place. but if you had to guess, it was nothing good for you.

"what do you want from me?" your bluntness shocks her out of her stupor, the girl crossing her hands on her chest.

"why do you think i want something from you?"

"lets not act coy. i just got here and your merry little band is trying to make me feel as if ive been here for years, and i know you have something to do with it."

she continues to smile at you, tapping her manicured finger on her arm. "and just why would i do something like that? i dont even know you."

alright, this was just pissing you off. "look, im not gonna turn into one of your little pawns. so whatever dumb ass game you're playing, leave me out of it."

"oh, yn," she sighs, bringing her hand up smooth her soft hand down your face, "you're already on the board. and trust me, when the time comes for choosing, youll wanna be on our side. now, lets go shopping, hm?"

you open your mouth to rebuttal but she shuts you up with a wave of her hand, moving directly to your left to loop your arms together and continue walking through the store.

.

.

.

despite some hesitance brought on by your inherent suspicion and monets ominous words, you will admit you had some fun with the group at the mall and going around to see the sights of new york.

but maxs comment from the car rung in your head often, and you noticed how they all had little groups within them. monet and luna mostly stayed to themselves if they weren't getting julien picture perfect for a picture. said julien really only seemed to connect with audrey, talking to obie but his face looked...conflicted?

during your observation your eyes yet again catch on monets, who just gives you a little smile and a wave.

you had a feeling this wouldnt end well for you.

eventually the sun starts to set and conversations start to dull, with julien suggesting you all come to her place and chill and to record some stuff for her instagram. julien calls her drivers to pick you up, but because of the uneven number, someone is going to have to sit by themselv-

"join me in the second car. i wanna talk." monet whispers from behind you, causing a shiver to go down your spine at the sudden nature of it and her closeness. intrigued you oblige, crawling into the back of the suv behind her and settling in.

its quiet for a handful of seconds, only the faint noise of the city and the moving car surrounding you.

"what do your parents do?"

the question throws you off. you would have thought she had done extensive digging on your history.

"theyre in the investing business. they just look to colleges with the most promising alumni and fund their programs. guess they also invest in start up businesses. but frankly i dont care and want nothing to do with it, and im confused at why you're asking me this."

she sighs, as if debating if she wants to speak - or really if she doesnt. she closes her eyes and rubs one of her temples with her fingers before pushing what she wants to say out.

"im asking because i want you on my side. everyone treats me like im just one of juliens dumb followers and that what i do is a joke but its not. i want to actually do something and make a business for myself, thats why i push her so hard. i dont want to join my familys company and i can tell you dont either."

you nod along to her words, not going to ignore her opening up to you. "buttt what do you need me on your side for? are you going to start some kind of war or..."

"i love julien, i really do. we've known each other since before we started teething. but shes changing and becoming this...sentimental wannabe good girl and i know eventually shes gonna leave me and my management in the dust. when it happens i need something to fall back on."

"so what, you do all of this shit for me just to be your back up plan?"

"i did it because i need to trust you. and i need you to trust me." she states, looking you dead in the eyes. you can see the sincerity in her eyes, and you hope its real because if not she was a really good liar. "besides, i know alll about what happened at your last school. you may try to act like some impassive above it, all cool girl attitude, but i know we're a lot more alike than you think."

your heart stops the same time the car does. the sincerity is still there, but nows its sinister. manipulative. and if you were being honest, kinda hot.

"think about what i said. and dont mention this to the others, ok?" monet composes herself, getting out from over you when the door is opened and youre still frozen in place.

you're snapped back into reality when she grabs your hand and helps you out, pressing her shoulder to yours as you walk into the lobby of juliens building. you dont know whether to be scared or excited when she whispers in your ear again.

"it can be our first little secret."

.

.

.

this. took me forever. and kicked my ass. but season two is here so i rushed. id appreciate any feedback bc ik the plot right now feels messy but hope yall enjoyed anyway <333

[toonfinch]

this is all i will be saying about the matter because this is stupid as fuck. its a bit long but its mostly for me, not for others to read. but feel free to.

i deleted my post on r/badroommates because i got sick of arguing with idiots online and havent responded to anything because reddit temp banned me for calling myself slurs im allowed to say lmao. im gay and trans. this will go on reddit when i am unbanned. for now it stays here.

i am paying rent, i owe my roommate, u/azzyisjazzy zero dollars. he did cover two months for me because i lost my job and struggled to find a new one, then when i did it lasted like a month because the temp agency ran out of work for me to do. he knows this btw hes just a liar. he heard the phone call because it was on speaker. but i paid him back completely and have paid our most recent bills with zero issue. i am literally at work while writing this. i am on track to make rent just fine. when i said i have $10 its because i had to buy warm weather clothes because i have none. its been hot.

the way he describes my suicidal ideation is making everyone think i do this repeatedly, i did it once. on my tumblr blog, i was not thinking about how it may hurt people, when azzyisjazzy and his friend, u/dizzy_elk_6491 and my friend all had a conversation about it, nobody acted concerned, azzyisjazzy only told me that if i were to actually hurt myself and he never reported it he may lose his job. he was never concerned about me lol. either way, i realized that watching people be suicidal is stressful and i also didnt want to be forcibly hospitalized so i nuked my blog so i can vent safely. i am not suicidal at all and havent been for a while, by the way. interestingly, current roommates friend dizzy_elk_6491 has threatened suicide when things didnt go his way before. he threatened suicide when my friend wanted to break up with him. later my friend found out that dizzy_elk_6491 had been lying about his boundaries in order to keep my friend in a relationship. he did not ignore boundaries whatsoever, there were none said. also, they were literally stupid teenagers.

azzyisjazzy was cool with sharing groceries until suddenly he wasnt, i did not have enough money at the time to also buy the same amount of things he was. we literally went shopping together several times and he told me to pick things out so obviously i thought it was fine? he just sucks at telling people when hes bothered. if he didnt suddenly lock the fridge just as i got a decent job (i was saving up money to pay him back for everything, i still could not afford a substantial amount of groceries) then id have replaced everything i ate. which was like....eggs and milk and coffee. i was mostly eating my own food lol. he ruined all the food i had in the fridge at the time which probably comes out to the amount i owe him for what i ate so ill call that fair.

i do not have bipolar disorder, i do not know where anyone involved got this information. i was on lithium, but it made me worse. gave me worse anxiety and made my eyeballs twitch. not exactly a medication that works. i tried several medications that did not work. i was also accused several times by past roommate, u/finchsexroomate and their friends that i have borderline personality disorder. i thought i might but several doctors told me otherwise. so far the only mental issues im pretty sure i have is major depressive disorder, autism, anxiety, and ocd.

intensive outpatient therapy also did not work, i was having panic attacks every morning because it was not the type of therapy i require.

currently working on getting insurance so i can get trazodone, which works. because i am diagnosed for major depressive disorder. the doctors asked me the pointed questions clearly about bipolar disorder but i dont have manic and depressive episodes. on the other hand, azzyisjazzy has said he is manic. maybe he meant it in a quirky way, but whatever.

i...didnt get mad at azzyisjazzy and his friends for not learning sign language? i dont know asl. i brought it up once or twice as a "wouldnt it be cool if we all learned together" situation, because im deaf and my hearing gets worse monthly. the only sign i was aware anyone knew was when azzyisjazzy and dizzy_elk_6491 said something that contained the words "eat orange" at each other over and over. that doesnt exactly indicate to me they are at a conversational level. either way, i was not "expecting them to communicate in a language i do not speak" lol.

i never threatened a damn thing about the dog. i said she was stressing me out so bad she was triggering my ocd. ocd can cause intrusive violent thoughts. they are not desires, they are based on things you DONT want to do. they are INTRUSIVE. i felt unsafe because the thoughts were so distressing and i could not banish them from my brain. the fact that azzyisjazzy is graduating from nursing school and doesnt understand this is concerning. i thought i biked over a snake this morning and started crying before i saw it move. i threw it in someones yard so it wouldnt get run over. i don't even like hurting bugs. i got mad at azzyisjazzy for making jokes about killing crickets in the house. maybe i am sensitive, sure, judge me how you please. but that doesnt exactly indicate an animal abuser does it?

also, me being a furry and objectumsexual (attraction to objects) has literally nothing to do with anything. its funny, because my azzyisjazzy has told me he pretends to be a dog during sex multiple times. also, he is a furry. or at least was. his fursona is/was a deer. not judging, obviously, its just hypocritical. is it weird? YES. is it harmful? NO. on top of this, azzyisjazzy had me walk the dog a few times after i had said those things. clearly he was not very concerned then. im sure he knows better and is just making shit up to hurt me.

now i don't remember much about my previous living situation with finchsexroomate because i was traumatized and the order of events and details are all mixed up and blurry. i moved in because i was in a motel with my drunk father and (thankfully normal) brother for two years. i was being paid to take care of them, but i wasnt equipped to do so because of my mental health issues. that were being exacerbated by finchsexroomate's reactions to my tone of voice...or something? they would react in ways that freaked me out like getting an attitude or yelling at me. i didnt react well to this which was entirely my fault, causing arguments. this happened a lot. idk why its so hard for anyone involved to understand that we simply did not mesh well together. azzyisjazzy and finchsexroomate have very similar communication styles, or lackthereof. it makes sense why i dont get along with both of them. they suck at communicating boundaries.

it took finchsexroomate months to tell me my tone of voice was upsetting them. they also think i was frequently stewing in anger next to them to hurt them when maybe i was a little annoyed at something and not putting in a ton of effort to look cheery while like...watching tv. or something. every time there was an incident like this, me moving elsewhere was brought up. i was living in a motel for two years before this. you have to be literally stupid to think its easy to find anywhere to live in this economy. obviously did not react well to this and yes it triggered suicidal episodes. but im not unstable if my housing and food and such else is taken care of. now that i have a stable job and can afford everything i need i am perfectly fine. just a bit stressed.

for some reason finchsexroomate thinks i was in love with them and trying to drive a wedge between them and their husband? lol? i said their husband was hot like twice. hes a hairy bear? come on now. theyre just being freaks because im polyamorous. if i had a crush on either of them theyd know, because that is something i hate keeping inside even if i know telling someone will go nowhere.

our living together ended when one night we were watching tv and somehow the topic of my date the next day came up, and finchsexroomate reminded me that our other roommates who would normally take over care when i am gone would also be leaving, so i didnt want to leave them in the house alone or worry about what time i had to be home since i would not be the one driving. i announced id reschedule my date and this upset finchsexroomate so bad that they started yelling at me. i only remember the part where they started yelling fuck you over and over again after i was like dude. its like fucking midnight. we can deal with this tomorrow. their reaction freaked me the fuck out and i did what everyones demonizing me for.....taking the torch we smoked dabs with and brushing it on my wrist for less than half a second, turning it off, and putting it on the table. and then sitting there. finchsexroomate was more at risk of burning the house down than me because i saw them drop the torch while it was still spewing flames twice, and they told me it happened once while i was not there. lol. was my reaction smart? no. did i "try to burn the house down with people inside"? no.

last thing about them, after they kicked me out and gave me zero chance to grab any of my belongings forcing me to pay an exorbitant amount of money for shipping that i could not afford, i said fuck it. they dont deserve my money after all of this. its not like i could just fucking drop almost $800 on it. later when the hurt started to go away i decided id put aside money and then give it all back when ive collected enough, but um. not doing that now lmao.

between then and now i was living with people my dad knew. one of them regularly assumed everything in the house was my fault such as leaving hard water spots on dishes and several times the freezer door was left open (not by me) so he tried attacking me about it and had to be held back by two people. this happened twice. i was also threatened by one of the residents because he was abusive to his girlfriend and i almost pepper sprayed him about it. it got to the point where i had to get a motel room a second time to avoid being hurt. and of course after this is when azzyisjazzy and i started talking.

anyway back to the present. azzyisjazzy thinks i was...listening to him and his bf my first night here just bc i was quiet? i thought they knew i was here lol. i literally cannot eavesdrop. i can hear loud talking and music and dog barking and dog nails on hardwood in my room. sometimes i can hear noises but that doesnt mean i understand what the noises are. at this point im convinced everyone thinks im faking my deafness. do i need to show everyone how scarred my ear drum is? that also has a hole in it?

and i guess this all got worse because i chose to stop being very close friends with all of azzyisjazzys friends. they were a lot of energy. i avoided them a lot because my idea of a good time is being quiet and doing a task together or watching tv or going to the park to look at critters and plants or something. i still tried, i was an audience to their musicals in the kitchen. and hung out when i was able to handle their energy, which was rare. azzyisjazzy thinks i was avoiding his show because i hated him when in reality i was busy with things i felt were more important such as my friend's mental health. azzyisjazzy even told me it was fine and that he understood. i also felt that none of them liked me very much anyway, so i just kind of stopped trying. i know one of them hated me because i got mad at him for making kill all furries jokes in the discord server we were in, and several times after that he would criticize my friends and i for stupid bullshit like putting in the announcements channel to not put chunks of food in the sink that does not have a garbage disposal in it.

the reason there are horses all over my walls is because azzyisjazzy heard gunshots and we were discussing whether or not we should call the cops in the discord server. my friend and i said no because theres no way to prove which direction it came from so on top of the cops not being able to do anything, we have black neighbors that might be questioned. furry hater guy said what does their race have to do with this and i dont remember what i said after it but he sent a horse emoji which is a reference to the meme of a horse standing at the sea with the caption "MAN" and i felt it inappropriate so i muted him for 10 minutes.

so the time my friend told someone to kill themselves? he had almost gotten hit by a car, and said "kill yourself for real" about the driver. furry hater guy got mad at this and said no suicide jokes. i misinterpreted it as another baseless criticism and told him to shut up. i was wrong for this and apologized, and later decided to just leave the server because i wasnt having fun in it anyway.

idk where to place these things in this giant block of text so theyre going at the end my friend and i used the dining room table to do crafts which is why azzyisjazzy bike locked the chairs. okay...ill just get my own i guess? he has threatened to put cameras up in the house which i am fairly certain is illegal because i do not consent and it would violate a reasonable expectation of privacy in the state of Missouri. also azzyisjazzy and i both agreed that nudity is not an issue, and when i am alone in the house sometimes i dont have a shirt on. i am a trans man, i have tits. that's inappropriate and once again im fairly certain that is illegal. missouri is a one party consent state so the only circumstance where recording me would be okay is if one of whoever is in the video or audio consents, such as if azzyisjazzy and i had a conversation. he could be the one to consent. but he doesn't say use his big boy words at me anymore so that wont happen. weve said a total of maybe 5 words to each other in the last month. i text him sometimes and he pretends not to see it but i know he does because he thinks me telling him his post got removed was bragging that i reported it. maybe my friends did? i dont control them. lmao.

hes also told my friends that me simply living here is an "escalation" and that if i continue to live here "things will get worse for me" those are threats. genuinely convinced that he knows a lot of what he is saying is made the fuck up or stretched truths just so "things will get worse"

btw, im not the one abusing the dog. she gets one walk a day and is barely played with because of how much azzyisjazzy works. all she does is sleep all day and bark out the window and piss on the couch and the floor and chew up shit azzyisjazzy leaves around the house, like a plastic tape dispenser. those plastic shards might be inside her stomach, by the way. that can and has killed dogs. many times.

i dont know what else to say. this is getting way too long. i certainly feel better after writing it though.

i may or may not respond to comments. i dont really feel like proving myself to a bunch of redditors, but considering these lies might follow me around for a while especially because finchsexroomate posted my FACE????? glad i look extremely different now (thanks hrt) and was wearing a mask lol. what sort of fucking insane behavior. i kind of wanted to post webcomics online, so i felt it necessary to do a bit of damage control. of course, all sides to this is mostly he said she said, so this only helps so much. but i said my truth, and ill stand by it. omission of details is because i forgot. this has been all over the last two years. my memory is shot because i got covid the first time i was in the motel and the repeated trauma hasnt helped. if someone brings up a good point i will respond to it.

anyway. ill move out when im able to. get the fuck over it.

good fucking lord.

im going to go do literally anything else more productive than this. get a new hobby. make a fursona and maybe youll feel better. fucking weirdos

[narwhalandchill]

anyway tho like. now that ive played the 1.2 story and sat on it a bit id say my overall thoughts are def mixed. i enjoyed a lot of it but theres some things that sorta just stick out or dont work and the pacing definitely worked against the story

(just a long rant/ramble upcoming its not coherent at all lol)

one thing that rly rubbed me the wrong way was like. while overall this story rly sold fu xuan as a character to me (i was a huge fan of her presence overall) the dan shu thing just felt? wrong? and like to be clear it wasnt just fu xuan the scenes writing was off in general but her role in being the one countering dan shus points just made her p central to the problem.

but like my issue is that dan shu is previously established as having very understandable reasons behind her resentment of lan that made her compelling as twist villain imo. Yet that resolve was nowhere in the scene in her rebuttal of the xianzhous ways?? when i think that shouldve been The moment of her calling out the xianzhou and actually challenging fu xuan properly. it wouldve been an even better opportunity to expand upon how fu xuan responds to being confronted with the xianzhous flaws and hypocrisy and problems. but somehow yassified dan shu really just. had a generic villain speech and thats it. the callback to their heritage as former followers of abundance was... fine? but like it wasnt that impactful. and fu xuan essentially calling her nothing but a power hungry villain when thats very much Not what dan shus motivation boils down to sucks and now players who didnt read her diary or play/pay attention to her side quest will think of her as just a generic bad guy and not a very tragic complex figure of her own

then the like. underutilization of blade was just like. ok what was the point. it IS funny to reference the tuxedo mask meme and how he skewers his ex yet immediately gangs up with him against yanqing and all but honestly he shouldve gotten to be more feral and present than he did like its just meh. ig its kafka keeping him from messing up elios script but cmon. i want more of him. yanqing also got done so dirty in that scene like. he shouldve gotten some more screentime and focus even if his job was p much to just get bodied. kid just watched jing yuan make deals with criminals no way he isnt affected by it

in general i was p shocked how inexistent the high cloud quintet was from the story. but ig w how rushed the pacing was for dan hengs backstory reveals at times already ig its better left for later (hopefully). i just rly hope this means that the topic get its time to shine properly in the future. esp since im p sure they never even named any of dan fengs crimes outright which is a curious choice.

jing yuan got a rly solid characterization and i definitely enjoyed it!!! even if im a little miffed at how they didnt give dan heng enough breathing room to come to terms with the emotional impact of facing his past and memories thanks to the plot moving forward so fast and he was kinda the one leading that. but he was still great - i liked the scheming side to him and the arguably pretty ruthless way he leveraged dan hengs exile status to force his hand to cooperate a lot. his reasoning makes sense obvi but its still a very brutal and utilitarian approach and i like that energy for his character. his duty is to the luofu above all else even if thats far from all he is about. overall his and dan hengs interactions including dan heng very much emphasizing his desire to be seen as separate from dan feng were a highlight for sure. and jing yuans final showdown moment against phantylia slapped obviously

and then w dan heng im torn between like. really loving all the good stuff we got with the insane cutscenes and the vidyadhara echoes and then wishing that he got just that little bit more for his own realizations and inner conflict. and the part about not properly featuring blade also hurt his story too imo bc the anticlimactic nature of the scene where blade confronts him and forces the transformation and how he n kafka just... leave rly kinda flattens the impact of the reveal moment esp since thats when jing yuan just all but openly says ok time for the plot. but they still did a great job selling DHIL and i think im overall a fan of how they seem to have handled the dan feng vs dan heng thing (and its roughly what i was expecting). dan feng is dead but its never just that simple either. i hope theyll be exploring the exact nature of dan fengs sins and the sedition in the future

im so mad i spoiled myself the tingyun thing bc jfc the neck snap wouldve hit So hard if the reveal itself was also a complete surprise. and its sth that was genuinely well built up like i remember thinking her 1.0 dialogue was kinda sus but wouldve never imagined the actual truth. dont do leaks folks sometimes this happens and it sucks :/ but i have to say phantylia herself was kinda? underwhelming. i liked when she picked up jing yuan like a little bug she wanted to squish and the boss fight was cool but to be fair. this was like 50% bc of how bad the sound mixing was for all of her dialogue that overlapped w in game battle. she rly lacks the necessary menace and imposing energy when u can barely even make out what shes saying 😭 her voice shouldve been as loud and large as her..... Presence. jing yuan carried the boss fight and the final cutscene but man the fade to black rly didnt do the abrupt ending any favors like we just teleport to exalted sanctum and thats it???? maybe jing yuan dies maybe not!!!

overall my prime issue is p much just how like. it feels like they shoved 3-4 mini arcs worth of stuff into one speedrun when all of them deserved more focus and exploration and the pacing rly got rough at times. it wasnt like inazuma level bad but it does get me wondering if hoyos just bad at doing these big conclusions to prior build up and holding the story threads tightly together until the end.

this comes off as super negative helpp but like. by no means did i hate all of it so dont take it the wrong way lmao. its more that there was good stuff there but also wasted potential. for the most part i was having a blast but to be fair that was 40% just playing blade ridiculously underleveled through it all. i only got him to lvl 80 for the boss fight

[mejomonster]

My gastroparesis driving me up a wall. And by that i mean ive been barely eating for over a week now and my symptoms still arent improving and im really not havin a great time im exhausted my bodys in pain trying to get me to Rest but i gotta work full time and my abdomen absolutely hurts but painkillers slow digestion even More so ive been laying down on heatpad as much as possible and i really dont wanna go back to an All Liquid diet (but even if i did im at the nausea and vomiting point of a gastroparesis flare which means even liquid only im likely to throw up either way) and like. I just wanna comfort eat bread cause i feel miserable exhausted in pain and it would be a small joy. But bread is absolutely not something i can eat during a flare. I can only eat it when doing good if i take benedryl. Im so angry and tired and id like to sleep for days. And i gotta still Make myself eat chips and protein shakes even tho i got nausea cause my gi meds dont work unless i eat Something. Even if i got nausea and tons of pain wooh

Anyway im getting flack from family for being so tired the last week and i love em and all but its awful feeling guilty for not calling Enough when its like goddamn eating (something humans gotta do at least once a day) hurts phenomenally and i barely can but i obviously desire to like any human then i eat and Ouch my body didnt fucking like that and punished me for it and im so mad. I feel awful and yeah im mad i dont got energy to hide how much pain im in and chat false enthusiastically for 20 minutes after already doing it all thru work. I had 1 teaspoon of peanut butter today and my remaining options are soup broth (but it had beans cooked in it and my body cant take fiber today so idk if its worth the risk of any accidental beans) and salad (which is of course raw vegetables fiber very hard on stomach rn so i can probably just eat a handful size portion and hopefully ill chew enough its mush and my body will tolerate it). And a protein shake (but its got fiber and is made of chickpeas i think for the protein so idk if my body is tolerating it or not im just drinking it so i dont have no calories). I had chips yesterday but i think my body considered it too solid or large to digest idk cause im eveb worse today. I also had toast yesterday cause i was so angry and hungry and wanted comfort food. So of course that messed me up. Which means i should take more benedryl. But then i wont just be hungry and pain tired, ill also be drug tired. And im so sick of being miserablr all day at work just to pass out the second its over cause allergy meds knocked me out then ive lost all day. But without allergy meds i can eat hardly anything i like. I mean i cant eat rn but like. Right before this fuckjng flare and hopefully once its over. Im just sick of it. Im tired and when i go to therapy next week shell probs ask oh what do you do to stress relief and its like... i get it but are u fucking kidding me. Im knocked unconcious from benedryl. And tired anyway cayse no food, and pain nonstop from gi tract. So im barely doing anything. I cant really get outta bed cause i need the 4 sq feet heatpad or ill be in agony over my abdomen. Dont have tv in room so i can use phone i guess. So tired i can barely keep eyes open or think so im not writing reading or watching shows on phone. I can idk listen to a reaction or lets play since if i fall asleep and wake up i dont need to follow a plot. But like im not in a state to be going for a fucking walk (i wish! I wanna dance and walk but my abdomen and back feel awful and im so tired im dizzy when i stand) or hang out w friend, which im sure idk shed prefer to hear some productive ass activity like god im just trying to keep myself employed and out of the ER until the flare rights itself. Please

And i know jts not that bad. Ive been worse. I couldnt eat solid food for 6 months once. I was in the ER weekly it was so bad i blocked most of it outta memory. This is only a couple weeks. And i havent thrown up much! I was throwing up 5 times daily back then. And i have had chips and peanut butter! I recognizr thats nice, i got some solid food and held it down! I know my gastroparesis is EONS LESS severe than it was when it started.

Its just like. It still sucks barely eating for weeks and any eating hurting immensely and nonstop nausea for days and pain not lowering. Like a normal healthy person might snap from anger if they try to go 20 hours without eating, or crash and need to eat to keep going, or just be run down as fuck and justifiable if they barely do anything that day. But i go days like that and im expected to just appear fine and live life normally like im not worn down af and just desperate to not feel nausea and pain and i just really wanna eat again. Normally.

[winderlylandchime]

3/3 ‘This hurts, this is really fucke- that’s a really nice shirt, do you think i could find something like that, i think id look good in it. Anyway *waves his hands at Brian* PAINFUL’ he is now bouncing up and down and standing with his hands clasped waiting for Mikey to get punched ‘cmon!! Who cares about some fucking forks?! SHOW ME WHAT IVE BEEN WANTING TO SEE SINCE THE PILOT! Whats gonna get him punched tho? I forgot what I thought earlier..OH the stay away. Oh Brian doesn’t look happy about that. *another pause while he towers over me with hands on waist and pointing at Brian*okay BUT remember when he told Justin in season 1 to fuck off out of his life or some shit like that and now he’s all ‘why would you tell him that?’ GROWTH! LOVE! CARE! *looks at Brian* my man! Now let’s get to punching! Okay, he did do SOMETHING..he cheated.. can Justin hear him? Is the selfish lil shit gonna get him punched? Cause if so…i wouldve gotten my ass handed to me by now, HE DIDNT USE BRIAN! brian is mad! Yes Michael be quiet! *huge gasp* HE SAID WHAT NOW?! *arms in the air* HELL YEAHHH PUNCHED IN COLOR!!! BUT HOLD UP *pauses just as mikey gets hit* haha nice. HE SAID WHAT?! HE FUCKING SAID WHAT?!?! He did not just say that he should’ve died?! He deserves to get kicked too! PLEASE TELL ME EVERYONE HEARD HIM! Oh of course nobody heard him. ANIMAL?! ANIMAL?! YOUR KID JUST WISHED DEATH ON SUNSHINE! OH BEN YOU BETTER NOT! HE JUST WISHED DEATH ON SOMEONE! PUNCH HIS BORING ASS TOO! OH FUCK YOU LINDSAY! FUCK YOU TOO MEL! ITS MICHAEL WHO SHOULD LEAVE! DID DEBBIE JUST SAY ASSHOLE? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?! JUSTIN PLEASE TELL ME YOU HEARD HIM!’ He paused the tv and with his arms opened wide went ‘am i the fucking only one who heard him say that?! HOW did nobody else hear it? *looks at me* please tell me everyone finds out what happened! Cause this shit is fucked up, i cant even appreciate the punch anymore cause I’m mad at everyone’ ‘NO BRIAN! Why are you here? You better not apologize! He needs to apologize! Oh boo fucking hoo little mikey is playing the victim again. YOU DESERVED TO GET HIT YOU LIL BITCH! Tell him Brian! Okay nevermind he knows he deserved it, EVEN MICHAEL KNOWS YOURE IN LOVE! So you didn’t believe in love when you met him, but you do now because now you know him. *looks at me* like how I didn’t believe in santa until i saw him at the mall…but then mom couldn’t explain why he was always different races so i guess that’s different. Makes sense to me tho *plays ep* HE WANTS THEM TO MAKE UP?! For the comic?!?! I AM…..i am having a lot of thoughts and feelings. HE HAS PLANS! THE LAST TIME HE SAID THAT TO MIKE JUSTIN WAS WAITING FOR HIM WITH THE DINNER!! REMEMBER?!?! Maybe Justin is waiting for him to talk to him about Mike!’ The hustler scene comes up *jumps up in the air* ‘AHHHHHHH!!!*pauses ep* I WAS FUCKING RIGHT!!! I CANT BELIEVE I WAS RIGHT! Not gonna lie, most of the time i just say shit and hope something sticks BUT I WAS ACTUALLY RIGHT! MY BLONDIE IS BACK!!! (The hustler is revealed) you’re not my blondie. What is this?! *hands over his mouth while he’s still standing* IS HE WHAT HES LOOKING FOR?! BRIAN LOOKED FOR A SEX WORKER THAT LOOKS LIKE JUSTIN?! (brian ignores the kiss) *literally has teary eyes and boy, do I wish this was a joke* he isn’t kissing him! He’s still following the rule! (brian plays with the guys hair) He misses him so much. Neither of us are okay with this storyline….how many condoms do you think he has..im surprised durex isn’t one of his account, he’d be perfect for their ads since they’re always funny anti kids ads. How many condoms do you think they went through while filming? hold up, I didn’t appreciate it enough *rewinds the fucking scene and once again has teary eyes while watching* it’s the music and Brian’s expression. I could literally write a short essay about Bri as a person at this point, that’s how well I know him! Oh this all hurt. I gotta go somewhere, literally anywhere just away from *points to tv*’ He is now outside talking to my neighbor and giving her a dramatic recap.

He wants Brian’s shirt? Aw!

GROWTH! LOVE! CARE! See!?! Yes! Brian grows over the course of the show! He cares! OMG. (Until it’s all erased in S5)

And here’s the heartache. Michael deserved to be punched and no one hears what he said so…again… everyone blames Brian. And Brian… apologizes. Because he would let himself get burned if it means everyone else is okay.

Ohhh the parallel “I have plans” yeah this time it’s a cheap imitation (cheap as in it’s not Justin, I’m sure the escort was not cheap)/

Teary eyes about Brian not kissing the Justin look-alike escort? And noting the playing with the hair? Could he be anymore in the fandom?!? Nope.

“I could literally write a short essay about Bri as a person at this point” ANON YOUR BROTHER IS A HALF STEP AWAY FROM WRITING FANFIC.

Your poor neighbor…

[hexcryingwolf]

hey so, like,

i need somebody close to glip to confront them about the Pearl thing.

i need someone to be as upset about the idea of it as i am.

i need it to be the last straw for somebody.

because if none of that happens, i cant even articulate how horrid that is. that the prospect of this accusation doesnt upset people.

i hope its not true. i hope with every fiber of my being that it didnt happen.

but i fully believe it did. four years after leaving that space my want was still for glip to heal, stop hurting people, and become a better person. i was still pretty scared of them, but i had pretty much moved on by the beginning of this year. there was nothing i could do about it, and sharing my experiences would just put a target on my back anyway, so as a lot of huge life changes were on the horizon for me i felt prepared to let go.

but i cant let this go. after years of tending the wounds that community inflicted on my this was a knife directly into my heart.

remember that political thing that happened in november 2016? i was in the flora irc by that time, and everyone was very rattled by it. glip announced that, to put some good into the world, theyd do a commission for anyone who donated x amount to y charity (i dont remember the specifics). id been a fan of glip's for years at that point, and this was an opportunity to finally have something id wanted for a long time.

a portrait of my cat, who i got as a baby, who passed away after almost twenty-one years, from my favourite artist.

they truly did a wonderful job with it. it looked so much like him. i dont have a lot of photos of him, he lived in the pre-smartphone era, so this was a precious thing to me. i had it printed, i got a frame, i hung it on my wall. it meant everything to me.

after all of the stuff that happened to me and leaving flora, it became tainted. now instead of reminding me of something i loved dearly it reminded me of something that hurt me badly. i couldnt get rid of it though. i took it off the wall, out of the frame, and slotted it onto a shelf where i could still see it, if i wanted to. it felt really awful, but i knew i loved that cat more than i could ever fear glip, so maybe someday i could look at it again without being reminded of them. maybe someday that portrait could go back up on my wall as an expression of love for my first best friend.

then i was told about what they had supposedly done to Pearl. and when i tell you i fucking bluescreened when i heard that... it fucking shattered me. it was a cold knife in my heart. the dog stuff was horrid of course but, something about this just broke something in me.

i had to walk away from my phone. i had to go find one of my cats and just. i just sat on the floor and pet her as she lay on the futon and purred and trusted me utterly, like im sure Pearl did for you, glip. she knows i love her, that i provide for her, that i would never bring harm to her. i just sat with her and cried.

im crying now, writing this. my hands are shaking.

do you care, glip?

my husband came to check on me, i told him what i was told and he was disgusted, the correct response. he was angry. he was angry. and for the first time in years, i wasnt scared of glip anymore.

i was fucking pissed.

i wish i didnt have to explain why, because it should be damn fucking obvious, but let me lay it out: a person's pet is their ward. we have a duty and responsibility to do everything we can to give the best lives possible for the animals we bring into our lives. we are their source of food, shelter, healthcare, everything. we are their world. and they should be able to trust that we would never use them for something selfish, because here's the thing: they don't understand the world as we do. theyre animals, they simply cant. WE are the ones who know right from wrong and act for them accordingly. WE keep them fed. WE keep them safe. WE make that final decision that they cant make when their suffering is to much to bear anymore. they trust us to do the things for them they can never understand.

we dont use them for our own sexual gratification. we dont do this because they dont understand that theyre being used, they have no context for how they are being treated, they dont know it shouldnt be happening.

they are helpless.

they are voiceless.

they are the perfect victim.

like a baby who will never grow up and tell everyone the truth.

like a baby, glip. like a helpless, voiceless baby.

and dont you ever fucking try to play the "well she initiated it" card. animals initiate all kinds of shit they shouldnt, things that are dangerous, could hurt them, could make them sick. knowing better is OUR job.

also. uhm. hey. did you know that "well they started it" is a thing child predators have said, do say, will say, about their victims.

here's a 10yo who "came onto" her abuser

here's a dad who claimed his daughter was just "a sexual kid"

here's a daycare worker who said the 1yo he abused was "promiscuous"

and you, glip. using Pearl because she was just "showing you love". just because its a "nicer" reason doesnt make you any fucking different from these monsters in my eyes.

i could not look at that portrait anymore. how could i ever look at him, and not remember what you do to helpless creatures like him. how could i think about what you did and remember you telling me no, of course marl never touched the cats, when i asked you if you were concerned that he might have. seems my worry was misplaced.

i burned the portrait. i took a small cast iron pot into my yard, ripped it to shreds, and spent a two hundred count box of matches on it. one wasnt enough. ten wasnt enough. one hundred wasnt enough. i did not want this thing to exist anymore. i did not want him, my cat, my first best friend, that piece of my soul that left this earth with him, to ever be able to be associated with you. that fire is burning in me now.

i do not capitalize your name anymore explicitly because you are subhuman by my standards. i do not want you to find healing and get better. i want you to face the consequences for all the hurt youve cause. i want you deplatformed so you can finally stop putting so much agony into the world.

if you didnt do it, youll have to convince me. you know my discord.

if you did do it, admit it. tell everyone what you did. you owe it to people so they can decide whether they want to associate with you or not based on it. i think if someone asks you directly, you wont lie about it.

because you dont believe you did anything wrong, do you?

[thingstotellthem]

this is very long. sorry.

i don't even know where to start, honestly. i hate you so so much. i'm sorry i fucked up. i want you to die. i hope you live a happy and peaceful life. i know i did bad things to you, which i didn't realise at the time. and i'm genuinly sorry for that. i just really wish you'd get that you were constantly hurting me, too. you were so emotionally abusive. i wrote poems about it. about you. countless poems. it's hard to put into words, but poems allow me to become incoherent and metaphorical, and that helps. so. here's some of them. (a title, if a poem has one, is in italics.)

theres so many things i wanna say to you

but at the same time

do you actually deserve knowing?

i hope you love yourself as much as i hate you

i hate you i hate you i hateyou ihateyoui hateyouihateyouiateuaeu

every time i feel bad, my brain screams.

STOP FEELING BAD OR I WILL KILL MYSELF

STOP BEING SAD OR I WILL DIE

STOP BEING SO PESSIMISTIC OR I WILL KILL ME ON YOUR BEHALF

JUST STAY POSITIVE OR IT WILL BE YOUR FAULT

STOP WORRYING ME OR YOU WILL BE GUILTY

STOP OR IM DEAD

STOP

STOP STOP

STOP OR IM DEAD AND ITS YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT

and it haunts me. its been haunting me all the time. i was shaking and crying and i thought id get a text telling me youre dead the next day.

MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP PLEASE MAKE THE ANXIETY STOP IT HURTS HURTS HURTS IM SO SCARED SO SCARED SO AFRAID SCARED AFRAID HURT CRYING SCREAMING BAD BAD BAD

sometimes i wish you were dead so i know that you wont die.

am i a victim? are you? was this all real? did you even hurt me? is this reality or am i gaslighting myself? are you to blame?

yes, i fucked up and im sorry. but its not my fault that im like this. its yours. yours alone. YOURS ITS ALL YOURS. I DIDNT CHOOSE TO BE YOUR HAPPY SOURCE. I DIDNT CONSENT TO BE YOUR HAPPY SOURCE. I NEVER EVER WANTED TO BE YOUR HAPPY SOURCE YOU CANT JUST CHOOSE ME AND IGNORE ALL THE OTHER HAPPY SOURCES WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO ME IT HURTS IT HURTS ITS TOO MUCH HOW DID YOU EXPECT ME TO BE YOUR HAPPY SOURCE WHEN I CANT EVEN BE MY OWN

am i truly a victim? are my feelings valid? are they real? are they the one to blame? are my memories real? is anything at all real? am i real? is reality real? what is real? what is valid? what is justified and what is not? are my feelings? are theirs?

sometimes i wonder why you never comforted me when i had to comfort you all the time. were you too hurt to be a therapist for two people? i was, and i still comforted you.

Sometimes I wonder;

And what is, that you thought of me?

What is, that you think now?

yk, sometimes.. sometimes i want to forgive. i want to hug you, hold you close to me, tell you it’s okay. that i forgive you. sometimes i want tender moments between us, i want to kiss you softly and forget all the bad we did to eachother. sometimes i really want to. but in the end, all the pain you brought me holds me back, and all i can do is hate you.

You asked me why I didn’t like mashed potatoes, and I threw up the sand you forced me eat. You asked me why I never initiated to hang out, and I cut my head open, spilling all the maggots eating away at my brain back into your hands. You asked me why I always was sad, and I slashed my wrists, staring at the blood sweeping out, and you asked me why I was dying when there were flowers in my bones.

I keep thinking about what we were.

Why can’t I write it into poetry?

Why are you wasting the space in my brain?

Why did you never understand me in the way I understood you?

Do you ever think about me?

Do you ever think about me?

Do you ever think about what you’ve done?

mirror, mirror, on the wall

how broken you must’ve been

to hurt me with the same words

they’ve hurt you

dirty love

our love was waiting until somebody made a move

it was silence and anxiety

it was guilt, so much guilt and embarassment

it was only loving because we couldn’t love ourselves, because we couldn’t love anyone else in the world

it was bottling up feelings and never talking

it was hurt, oh, so hurt and pained

it was holding hands even though we both hated physical contact, but it was all we had

it was sitting beside eachother, wanting to cuddle and still never doing so

it was quiet lunch at yours and loud dinner at mine

it was waiting until somebody made a move

it was until i did

until i broke up our dirty love

because i realised i couldn’t love someone who i don’t love

not even if i pretend

not even if i want to

and that’s what made our love so dirty

it wasn’t ours

it was yours

Sorry

I’m sorry.

It was all my fault.

I stopped believing in the stars

After you told me you did

Because I couldn’t be you—

Then they fell down and killed us.

Please don’t ever forgive me.

Don’t forget me.

Forget what you felt,

But not what I did.

Please take it all with you

And make sure nobody ever hurts you again.

Love fades into hate so quickly

Do you hurt when you think of me?

Do you regret?

Do you hate me?

Do you cry?

Do you feel miserable?

Do you want to die?

Because that’s how I feel about you,

And when I think of what I’ve done,

I desperately hope it’s the same for you.

that's not even all of them yet, just my favorites, the ones i might actually publish one day. i could fill a thousand books with a thousand pages each, all for you, and it still wouldn't be enough. i can't even properly write down my feelings. i hate you, but i still care about you, and i'm convinced that only one of us should walk this earth at the same time. i hope it can be me. still, deep down in my heart, the affection i once had for you hopes it's you. i don't know myself anymore. it's destroying me. you're destroying me. i hope to fucking god that you just die already. i think. i'm not sure. you're still making me question reality. i hate that we share the same friends, and if i told them about your abuse, i'd have to tell them about the toxic things i did, and they'd have to choose between us and live with that knowledge for the rest of their lives. so you've rendered me unable to do anything. i want to fucking scream. whenever i think of you, i get so angry. so angry with myself, with you, with us, with what we were, and weren't, and wanted to be. i know most of your abuse wasn't intentional, but it still left me traumatized. i haven't forgiven you, and i never will. and i'm so mad at myself, at you, because i really fucking wish you could live with that knowledge forever but my trauma is still so bad that i feel the need to throw up from the guilt of making you kill yourself when only thinking about telling you anything of what i feel.

[seokmatthewz]

i am now going to write the longest most rambling account of my day but i’m gonna put it under a read more FKDSKLDF 

ok so i also got to see yoon jisung today too bc he was there?? and i thought i wouldn’t get to go to his part of the fansign but i got to like watch it happen? which was nice because he’s pretty FDKLSSDLK but then they like ushered us all out and they did the photos and i walked into the room to put my bag down to take my picture and just b were looking at the people coming in and i think i looked so like Absolutely Shocked and In Awe that byeonghee made eye contact with me, whispered something 2 limji, and then they both waved at me and i immediately panicked so hard before waving back and then i like collapsed when i realized that had happened KFLLSK and then we were like walking up and i walked up for my photo and i said hi to all of them and they were all so so so insanely pretty i think i am taller than the short members which. was fantastic KFLSDKL so i sat down and they didn’t warn me that they were taking the photo so all 4 of my pics look identical FLDSLDF and then i didnt know if they’d let us talk long to them for the fansigning so i looked at lim jimin and went “you’re my favourite idol of all time, i love you so much” and he grinned really big at me and said thank you and i almost collapsed and then the staff ushered me off and i went to get water and my hands were shaking so much that the water was spilling out of the cup they gave me KFLKDLS my friend had to hold me still fksklf and then we had to line up. again? for the fansign which took forever because the company was crazy disorganized but we were waiting in line and then one of the staff opened a door and the door handle HIT ME IN THE ASS and it HURT !!!!! but like whatever the adrenaline kept me going i was having a panic attack literally as soon as i caught a glimpse of them KFSKL so the order for the fansign was doyum chuji byeonghee limji geonu sangwoo and i forgot everything i was gonna say to them so i repeated myself a lot but KFSKL doyum i went up to and said he was my favourite member of 1the9 and i’d been a fan since under nineteen and he went “oh, really??” and i said yeah and i told him i really like his grrrr cover and that i think hes so talented and he thanked me and then i said i loved his outfit and he laughed and went “you’re so cute” and then i almost passed away and i had to move on to chuji. chuji i said hi and how are you to and he said he was good and that he was nervous and i said i was super excited to see them perform on monday and he said he was excited too and i told him our dogs have the same name and he went “oh ruki??” and i went “yeah!!” and he smiled and went “i’ll remember that!!” which was. so cute guys hes SO cute hes so so cute. anyways next was byeonghee and allow me to just say byeonghee is INSANELY pretty irl. like its so crazy. i was so distracted by him that the first thing i said to him was “you look so pretty today” and he smiled and thanked me and said i looked pretty too and again i almost passed out and i told him i also liked him on under nineteen and he looked surprised and then i got to tell him i absolutely loved his drivers license cover and he looked rlly happy about it and then. it is . Him. i remember staring and just. speaking so quickly and stuttering so much and lim jimin was smiling so big at me because i think he remembered me from like 20 minutes earlier when i slightly held up the line to confess my undying love for him FLKSKDL and he was so so sweet i said he looked so handsome and he was making like the most intense eye contact with me he is SO PRETTY like hes INSANELY PRETTY i am INLOVE WITH HIM hes the prettiest man of all time i wish i could remember our interaction more but i told him id been a fan of him since before his solo debut and he went “really?? thank you!” and smiled and i almost PASSED AWAY and then i was saying something but i had to move on because the staff were starting to rush us so i moved to talk to geonu and i said hi and asked how he was and he said he was good and i asked him how he was liking canada so far and he said he’s really been enjoying it and he likes the weather and then i told him his outfit was cute and he thanked me and then the staff tapped me again so i had to move on to sangwoo and i also asked him how he was and i told him i love him sm and that he’s gotten so much more cool and charismatic since debut and he thanked me and then i said “you’re such an amazing dancer” and he GIGGLED and his little smile was so CUTE he was so endearing and then i started to say something again but the staff was like “u gotta go” so i thanked him for coming and got my items and i had to go and then i sat on the floor and just. existed for a little while it was so sos so sos ososososoooooooo surreal i cannot believe i met my favouritest some guys...................anyways if u got this far i apologize i have completely and fully lost my mind KFLDSKLFD

[soupydreams2]

i want to message you but im not. so im going to make another cringe ass post here.

im sorry for being a shitty friend. really you put up with a lot. and god when i figured it out it was too late. i appricate you trying for a year. i know that the bad taste rose left in your mouth didnt go away when you realized what *actually* happened, cause how could it? you saw me in a different light that you couldnt just switch back. you tried. looking back i see how hard you tried. i could tell you felt guilty. that you felt it wasnt deserved. but wasnt it? i had to be so mature as a kid. homeless on my own. unhealthy attachments were all i knew. its what kept me going. and as an adult it took me a while to get rid of those.

and i noticed the shift immedately. im not dumb. and it made me panic. i was scared that *this* would happen.

i still cringe at the tough of you following my vensta. i really didnt know you did but that sounds like a lie. god how embarassing. and ofc it was written like i was romantically in love with you. when i know im not and never really have been. when we "dated" it felt wrong to kiss you or anything else besides holding hands. either you saw that or youalso were in the same boat. but i knew that i wanted to always be your friend.

you were shitty to me too yeah. and who isnt sometimes. i feel like ive already gotten over what you did but i still miss *you* as a friend. isnt that dumb. isnt that what you hated me for? forgiving people who hurt me? anyways.

all my friends now are cool i guess. i still have a lot of fun with tom at work. he like. actually genuinely likes me i think? or it might just be hes literally forced to interact with me on a daily basis. poor guy. we all know how much of a grudge he can hold and hes forced to stay with me. hey at least it isnt void. i do try to respect his personal space and keep distant. id hate me too if i were you guys.

OH i wanted to bring up the time i said i was jealous of "tom", and said i was really jealous of how you spend time with others in ways you dont with me anymore. remember that? and you sneered and equated me to void? WELL look at what was actually going on. weather you were doing it on purpose or not. you were avoiding me and annoyed by me and didnt want to hang out. but when id bring this up youd say its *my fault* for not putting in the effort when i was. and that you were "going through a rough patch and needed space" so i GAVE YOU SPACE. and then seeing you hang with tom. it made me confused. you needed space but swore it wasnt from me. of course i saw that and was upset. i just hope you realize that.

but everything together does make me sound like a creep on the other side. writing weird psuedo romantic vents abt you and saying i was jealous of tom out of context is making cringe to this day when i think of it.

anyways. i hope youre okay. i hear about you from tom sometimes, and while it feels like ive been stabbed. im glad youre okay. im glad youre happy.

im sorry.