#cryin at the end kf this

[soupydreams2]

i want to message you but im not. so im going to make another cringe ass post here.

im sorry for being a shitty friend. really you put up with a lot. and god when i figured it out it was too late. i appricate you trying for a year. i know that the bad taste rose left in your mouth didnt go away when you realized what *actually* happened, cause how could it? you saw me in a different light that you couldnt just switch back. you tried. looking back i see how hard you tried. i could tell you felt guilty. that you felt it wasnt deserved. but wasnt it? i had to be so mature as a kid. homeless on my own. unhealthy attachments were all i knew. its what kept me going. and as an adult it took me a while to get rid of those.

and i noticed the shift immedately. im not dumb. and it made me panic. i was scared that *this* would happen.

i still cringe at the tough of you following my vensta. i really didnt know you did but that sounds like a lie. god how embarassing. and ofc it was written like i was romantically in love with you. when i know im not and never really have been. when we "dated" it felt wrong to kiss you or anything else besides holding hands. either you saw that or youalso were in the same boat. but i knew that i wanted to always be your friend.

you were shitty to me too yeah. and who isnt sometimes. i feel like ive already gotten over what you did but i still miss *you* as a friend. isnt that dumb. isnt that what you hated me for? forgiving people who hurt me? anyways.

all my friends now are cool i guess. i still have a lot of fun with tom at work. he like. actually genuinely likes me i think? or it might just be hes literally forced to interact with me on a daily basis. poor guy. we all know how much of a grudge he can hold and hes forced to stay with me. hey at least it isnt void. i do try to respect his personal space and keep distant. id hate me too if i were you guys.

OH i wanted to bring up the time i said i was jealous of "tom", and said i was really jealous of how you spend time with others in ways you dont with me anymore. remember that? and you sneered and equated me to void? WELL look at what was actually going on. weather you were doing it on purpose or not. you were avoiding me and annoyed by me and didnt want to hang out. but when id bring this up youd say its *my fault* for not putting in the effort when i was. and that you were "going through a rough patch and needed space" so i GAVE YOU SPACE. and then seeing you hang with tom. it made me confused. you needed space but swore it wasnt from me. of course i saw that and was upset. i just hope you realize that.

but everything together does make me sound like a creep on the other side. writing weird psuedo romantic vents abt you and saying i was jealous of tom out of context is making cringe to this day when i think of it.

anyways. i hope youre okay. i hear about you from tom sometimes, and while it feels like ive been stabbed. im glad youre okay. im glad youre happy.

im sorry.