#if im myself if im just open and authentic then it's also up for anyone to reject me and judge me | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

penumbrialhexandroga · 5 months ago

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So i really want a space where i can just write about and share my experiences / scream into the void.

Im unsure if i should make a livejournal for this? I feel like it would be potentially less likely to gain viewership than a tumblr. Hmm i can feel a lot of parts activating but i cant decipher what they think. And then theres W whos jjst like, are you seriously trying to so this again? After the shit show that was the last time? Why do you think you deleted your old blog in the first place?

I have parts. Everyone has parts. It's not a pathological thing to have parts. Im practicing IFS therapy with my therapist. I see him once every two weeks.

I want a space where i can truly be myself, authentically and raw and uncensored. Because i wasnt really able to develop a cohesive feeling of self as i was growing up.

"Leave this for therapy, dont put this online; youre attention seeking" - im not doing this for views im doing this because i want to fit in :( i want to do the things i never allowed myself to do in the past. I want a presence on social media, not so others can look at me but so i can participate in some way. Im supposed to be going against my patterns of avoidance and hiding in isolation.

I do not have DID! So full stop, i dont want to participate in the syscourse stuff. When i look up stuff about osdd and DID on this website, everything is so disconnected from my personal experience. I do have a plethora of other diagnosed mental health conditions though. Such as autism, thats one im very open about. Level 1. But i dont want this to be about labels. I finally reached a stage where im like, i dont care about the labels, my experience is what it is and no diagnostic label will change that. I used to think that i needed a diagnostic label in order to understand my experience, but i dont think that anymore.

I dont feel like i can talk to anyone in my personal life about my experiences, besides my therapist and i only see him once every other week :/

Man i wish i never deleted my old blog :/

My therapist sometimes will talk directly to my parts. Not sometimes, often, like every session tbh. Ive shared about one of my experiences in a discord group im in (its small and very much focused on DID as an extension of cptsd not as an alter disorder or the syscourse stuff. I found it when i was looking for a cptsd server focused on IFS. I said its focused on did as an extension.... but its more focused on just healing from trauma disorders, it advertises as a cptsd server it just has systems in it and system sections, but its not like a plural discord or anything. Its very healthy and focused on healing and being grounded from what i can tell)

Anywayssss i shared about one of my experiences where i was in a really emotional state (thinking why cant i just stop? I wish i could just stop! [Feeling this way]" and then it felt like the camera lens switched out and i felt my whole body relax and all my emotions from before were just gone and i was able to get on with my business like nothing had even happened. And one of the members (with DID) said that that sounds like how they experience some of their switches!! And i just responded that i know it all exists on a spectrum. I dont have time loss or anything. God okay now i can feel myself getting all in my head. I just wanted to practice being vulnerable and honest on here so i could get that road block out of the way. Im totally sober. (Sometimes i want to do this kind of thing when im stoned but i stop myself).

Ill be honest. When i went to get assessed for autism i also mentioned how my old therapist said i had "dissociative tendencies". So my psych, he didnt specialize in that area. He said he could give me a form to fill out and he'd put the results onto my final report, but it wouldnt be a diagnosis. Id have to see a specialist about whatever result there was. So he gave me the SCID-D to fill out. And my results were consistent with "PTSD, DID, and a possible somatoform disorder". This was three years ago. I cried after reading it because it was such a shock. I thought i might have DP/DR or maaaaybe OSDD but absolutely no way DID. It scared me so much that i didnt do anything about it.

Then, a few years later i think, i was in college. University actually, i managed to get into a really good one and i transferred over. Eventually i started to lose my mind. It was a lot. I might write about it in more detail later but it can be hard to think about sometimes. I was hearing voices. I was experiencing extreme motor and vocal tics. I wasnt safe to drive and i eventually did drop out (not before making the Deans List though 😎), but i was also broke and needed a job and just couldnt manage logistically. Plus there was a long period of time where i just did not feel safe to drive. I started seeing my current therapist during this "Episode". At the time i was conviced i had DID and i really had dove head first into the online system community stuff. I had zeroooo capacity for critical thinking at this time. In fact i had one experience that was completely real to me but ill never really be able to know if it actually happened or not. I was scrolling TikTok lives after midnight, and when i entered this one the host said "oh perfect and heres Little [my irl name, not my username]. He only comes out after midnight. You have to be careful because when youre in this state people are going to try to take advantage of you". Obviously scared the hell out of me and i ended up driving myself deeper into madness trying to rationalize how it couldve happened. But it was a lot of stuff like that. It was a really really difficult time for me.

Anyways. Started seeing my current therapist. Its been over a year now, actually over two years i think? Ive reconnected with a lot of my parts that i first connected with during that episode. Once the episode dissipated i thought that, all the parts id met were just imaginary and i was out of my mind misinterpreting things. But now ive been in therapy for a while and my parts have spoken with my therapist, hes validated their existance and talks with them. Even my tendency to shut down those feelings, theres a part that when im trying to connect with my parts will say "stop deluding yourself, this is pointless". I want to work more with this part because i can feel it holds so much misery and hopelessness :(. But anyways, my therapist has helped me to see that part that diminishes my experiences, tells me the parts arent real, that i never went through anything bad, is a defense mechanism to help me survive those rough experiences that i did go through.

Im a big fan of IFS because i can work with and accept my parts without pathologizing them. A huge fear i had when i got that final report back was that my family had abused me in ways that were so severe i cant remember them. It made me paranoid. But thats not baggage that i need to carry. Everyone has parts. My working with my parts, doing the hard work, is working. My parts developed to help me survive my unique experience. To navigate the labyrinth. I love my parts. Okay well not all my parts love my parts i guess lool.

**** id thought id edit this. I didnt read all of what i wrote because its a fuck ton. Anyways i usually do not care, its a spectrum (not from easier to severe >:( like autism is sorta) disorder and the treatment is the same. My experience is what it is and a label doesnt change that. Sometimes i just get obsessive about things but its not like. What i believe at my core :). I do have parts that are like pathological tho. Like they developed from overwhelming trauma and do their best to protect me!

#parts work #ifs #personal ramblings

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wanderingsoul · 5 months ago

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one more writing prompt

convinced myself that the reel that i saw last night talking about the importance of writing down what you're looking for in a partner would actually be the one that would attract the love of my life. only to open my notebook to find an incredibly similar prompt i had written a response to less than 2 months ago. defeating.

i have historically always been the single friend in my friend groups. throughout high school, college, my career etc. and this has honestly never bothered me, i'd have flings or shorter term boyfriends i could talk about so that it didn't seem like i couldn't date somebody, just that i didn't want to. whenever people would ask if i was dating anyone i'd say something along the lines of "i like being single and don't want to date anyone" or "too many boyfriends to count!"

until recently i was the only single person when i went bowling with 4 other couples. and hey, i wanted to die. the embarrassment of not having a person to make little inside jokes with, or personally compete against, or hug when you did well.... sickening. and i think it was amplified by the fact that i was grouped with two newer couples, so they were especially gross and obsessed with each other.

i am getting to a stage of my life, at the ancient age of 25 where i truly just want to fall in love. i want to be in love, i want to feel loved, i want the whole thing. but i am having a really hard time accepting that desire because i have no control over that. i can't seem to hack the idea that i want something that i have no control over. everything else that i want is achievable to me in some way. i make goals that are realistic in my life and i'm not typically a dreamer. and falling in love feels much more like a dream than a goal.

i understand on some level that i do have some control, obviously i get to choose who i date or pursue, but i can't make people fall in love with me, no matter how hard i want them to. having situationships and flings and always feeling like if they truly got to know me i could make them fall in love. maybe if i changed parts of myself or only showed them certain sides they would fall in love. if i abandon all my needs and bend to their every desire, maybe then they'll love me.

but they won't. no matter what i do, that love would never feel right or be sustained in any meaningful way. if i do not show up authentically i will never find genuine love. that has been part of the difficulty of accepting that i have a desire i myself cannot fill, it feels inauthentic to my nature-being hyper-independent and having no needs. accepting the desire for love means that i am lacking something, which feels like weakness.

feeling a lot of loneliness and weakness lately, struggling between accepting the bread crumbs of attention and desire i feel from my situationships starting over completely with someone new. im having a particularly hard time letting go of my current situation, even though i am not feeling fulfilled, appreciated or respected. just feels like i've gone backwards and im 21 again just desperately wanting someone to like me. really just embarrassing stuff. feeling powerless. his baggage outweighs mine and i get sucked into the back and forth of being with someone who has been hurt and hurts others. its toxic and i can't seem to end it. every time i try, he doesn't let me. says we have a genuine connection that's worth exploring but also "isn't looking for a relationship". but it strokes my ego and we fight and i come back. recently been trying this thing where i don't fight back and it feels like i am abandoning any and every single standard i have for what a partner does for me or how they make me feel. so that doesn't feel great, jury is still out on whether that feels worse than fighting about every little thing.

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lauriepinkney64 · 2 years ago

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angry Created: Wednesday, January 25, 2023 11:30 AM Updated: Wednesday, January 25, 2023 12:32 PM

my process

triggered and angry at my team. i keep doing the letting go detaching of the romance sitch and still i get this info shoved in my face on tiktok, one reading is one way then minutes later its the opposite...oh..... i just heard and processed what i just said and shit, wind went out of the anger, dissipated replaced with sheepishness. spirit is showing me i need to trust my own connection to source and to trust that info while remaining open for others further insights but not depending on, and never if it is opposing my own information i get directly. i am being spiritually lazy and avoidantly overly-independant by seeking outside affirmations from other psychics on tic tok, i couldn't trust mom to have my back, so source is my mom now, however when i am able to do this for myself and really need to do this myself for my growth. also i have more trust work to do between me and me and me and my spirit team.and source. this trust wound is from childhood. its my mother wound, i was a daughter but from age 9 or 10 maybe 11 i became moms confidant and friend. i was excellent and tried to supplement my moms emotional and intimacy needs not met in her marriage. i even did chiropractor work on her during my teens, friend taught me, i was fully supportive and committed as a true friend would be even tho it was far too much for me to handle.. she shared far too much about her money worries and relationship issues with dad. he was arrogant and ragy. and i tried to stay out of his way or ahead of him somehow, trying to anticipate his moods then preemptively act to avoid conflict, sometimes when i was being my authentic self, (later it hid so deeply that i forgot my true self, rather it was buried under so much pain and wounding) i would trigger my dad and when i had a differing opinion or was being wrongly accused of motives that didn't belong to me i would attempt too stand up for myself and defend my perspective, which was immediately dismissed as he was the boss, i would look to my mom/friend for support, to side with me, and many occasions i was in the right but never, not once did she offer me her support. in a sitch i needed her most. i now understand that she was afraid herself of consequences and dependent on dad in ways she felt inept at the time, however her actions led me to accept these uneven, relationship dynamics in friends, jobs and lovers, always settling for less than equal because i didn't believe i was worthy of equal give and take an equal exchange emotionally. so i would give more and more until i hated everything mostly myself for not figuring out how to become worthy. i hated myself for not being able to make anything work. i dove inside burying myself in myself, 'sleeping' until source woke me up for my purpose.

mom i forgive you for injuring me. you didn't mean to and were doing the best you could and i was and still am honored to have been your counsel as a child, it gave me something special. this dynamic is why im having some issues with trusting source. my primary relationship had injured my trust in myself and my care-ers. This taught me not to ask for help, taught me i couldn't depend on anyone to have my back including source. i am feeling it and forgiving the wound and releasing it with loving intent to reunite and integrate with my healthy self.

#spiritualawakening #spiritualawareness #shadow work #positive energy #spiritual development #oracle #tarot #spiritual #manifestation #divine message

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mikichko · 3 months ago

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girl your fic literally made me cry!!! never felt so seen in my life. also putting my thoughts under the cut cause you already know that i absolutely love to yap

I love the reader inserts everyone else does but until now, I don't think I realized how much I just needed to see someone who was purposely a bitch and an absolute mess that could still be worthy of love.

I'm in the exact same camp as you! I literally love the work puts out but Im always comforted the most by readers that are just a mess and lashing out but they're still loved. It's been something weighing on me a lot and to see it verbalized and written so well brought a tear to my eye. Especially when Duckie pointed out how this reader manages to isolate herself from her loved ones, that realization of "oh shit you can actually see me really stuck with me. Because Duckie truly loves and cares for this reader in a way that most can. Because most people will be like Foxy and just leave. (Which is their right but damn shit sucks)

Especially when you have a history of trauma and poor parental relationships. it's so difficult to explain to people who don't get why you can't just move on, or WHY you can't just open up. By the time I was done writing I was like well fuck… I'm not sure if anyone else will even like this fic but it means a lot to me that you could identify as well and I hope I can turn this into something comforting later down the line.

THIS!! I have had to remove myself from some conversations because I don't want to lash out at people with good intentions. My body has a legit physical reaction whenever I try to open up to someone, especially if I do not trust them at all. So I always felt like the odd duck out when I tried to explain to friends that sometimes I genuinely can't open up. Like god, you're carrying this around with you all the time how can you just move on when you can't even talk about it?? I think it becomes even more frustrating when you become aware of how much impact the trauma has on you. Like it magnifies the consequences and your avoidance even more...

Like I said before, the way you wrote this and verbalized it was amazing to me because it's so difficult for me to do the same. But seeing this just did something to my brain. I genuinely felt so seen I burst straight into tears. It's genuinely so lovely.

they are so sweet and will not leave me the fuck alone even when I'm isolating/being a bitch. Truly such a good friend to me and my actual platonic soulmate and I just ended up translating the guilt I feel towards them .

This is literally the dynamic me and my irl Duckie have too!! I remember telling my Duckie how I realized I was avoidant and they just snorted at me and went "🤨 you think?" Please it's so funny I love them so much. I'm so grateful for them honest to god. God knows how the tragedy of it all would have crushed me if I didn't have them with me. I absolutely love this peek into your irl friendship. It's so genuine and you can tell it's written straight from the heart and with authenticity. Truly think that made that little scene hit a lot harder for me. Especially the bit where reader finally talks to Duckie about everything. The relief they must feel after everything.

I am genuinely in love with this already. I'm so thankful you're writing something like this. Genuinely warms my heart

wait omg @mikichko

kiko your tags on my fic im gonna cry!! Putting them under the cut because I need to talk about the feels so sorry I'm gonna ramble!

#imagine my surprise when i go into this and see 'avoidant reader' and go 'oh thats me!'#fully expecting some light funny laughs about a reader who pushes this beast of a man away#only for you to fucking snipe the shit out of my soul and perfectly encapsulate my life and the emotional state im in

Listen I swear it was supposed to be funny and smutty but somehow it just got out of control and veered into me unpacking some shit lmfao. I'd already planned out writing something heavy and angsty for simon months ago but describing the scene with Foxy leaving and saying the dreaded words made everything else jump out. I love the reader inserts everyone else does but until now, I don't think I realized how much I just needed to see someone who was purposely a bitch and an absolute mess that could still be worthy of love. I'm not interested in heavily promoting this to the fandom because it's a project of love for myself and other avoidant/traumatized/bitchy girlies (gn)

#the therapist shopping#the break up text#the categories#holing yourself up and only presenting pieces of yourself to people that seem palatable#the strained relationship with parents *oof*#not bringing a single partner around them either#the grippy sock drawer

Yes!! omg I was so nervous about adding those parts because I've always had such a difficult time explaining the humiliating cycle of needing more mental help than 'Live, Laugh, Love' can get you. Especially when you have a history of trauma and poor parental relationships. it's so difficult to explain to people who don't get why you can't just move on, or WHY you can't just open up. By the time I was done writing I was like well fuck... I'm not sure if anyone else will even like this fic but it means a lot to me that you could identify as well and I hope I can turn this into something comforting later down the line.

#even the small scene where reader is about to open up to Duckie and finally accept the lifeline...#just for the universe to laugh and remind them that eventually even in the hard moments they'll pull away from them right as they reach out#jesus christ this had me crying on the couch#calvary you are evil (lovingly)#i absolutely adore you.

Please I started crying while writing that. I couldn't help but think at my irl Duckie. It wasn't intentional that I created her character to be similar to how me and my best friend are but it just happened organically lmao. they are so sweet and will not leave me the fuck alone even when I'm isolating/being a bitch. Truly such a good friend to me and my actual platonic soulmate and I just ended up translating the guilt I feel towards them .

But yeah I adore you back and sorry if this hurt too bad! I'm working on the next part now and I'm hoping to soothe things with Soap smut lol

#.kiko-talks #tagging this as #.personal #cause lowkey this is like the biggest look into my psyche #anonymity really does wonders for introspection lmao #i hope this is coherent #my adhd meds wore off and i have a little alcohol in me so it made sense to me but it could also just be gibberish #god i hope its not

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technowoah · 3 years ago

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Cant Handle This

Quackity's facade keeps breaking, and he tries to keep the pieces together. You're the only one who can make him show his true self

- Quackity x gen neutral reader

- this is a long one yall.

Now playing...

Can't Handle This (Kanye Rant)

Bo Burnham

0:01 ─●──────── 3:29

⚠︎ swearing, angst, mentions of mcyttwt, based on the song above, and ofc its not proofread

Part of my Inside Special!

Quackity sat in his chair currently streaming right now, he seemed like he was having a good time from your spot on his bed. You were currently laying on his bed after he invited you here to relax.

You two had laid in his bed just enjoying eachothers company until he got a call from Tommy saying he was ready for the lore stream which sent Alex into a frenzy. Alex sent out a quick "Im sorry" about the lateness of his stream and then quickly set everything up.

He then started to stream which left you alone on the the bed to your own devices. You were scrolling through Twitter looking at Alex's fans talk about what's happening on the stream and posting screenshots of his character and himself.

You admired him from afar as he ended the lore part of his stream, he took time to type on his phone to text you that he decided to stream longer to talk to his fans. He looked to you and you have him a nod with a smile and he gave one back.

"Hey guys! That's the end of the lore!" He exclaimed to his chat as he types at his computer setting a new background.

You continued to listen to him praise his chat for supporting him and making him be able to make those types of streams. You were always proud of Alex no matter what he did, you were always his number one supporter no matter what happened in reality or on the internet.

"So anyways! I wanted to talk to you guys! How are you all?" He smiled at his camera looking back and forth from his chat.

◇T0mm71nn1t: THE STREAM WAS SO GOOD QUACKITY

"Oh thank you! Im glad I could share this with you. It takes so much to put into these movite type streams, so I know now it is all worth it."

Quackity's pov. . .

He felt so overwhelmed, he shouldn't have began to stream again. The stress of putting everything together, plus being late to the stream made him rush into it more. He just wanted to lay back down with his lover who was enjoying watching him stream, and that's the goal he wants. His goal was to entertain, it was his job and he doesn't want to fail, he doesn't want to crack.

◇Mayatooni3: WE LOVE YOU QUACKITY

◇catiiequak: QUACKITY ITS MY BIRTHDAY CAN I GET A HAPPY BIRTHDAY??

◇yriaaolic: ��💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

"Happy Birthday!" He said seeing the comment pass in a second. "Happy Birthday to anyone who's Birthday it is today."

Right now it was hard. It was hard to keep up when there was always a constant demand, the constant need to be perfect, his past being brought up, and trying to one-up his content everytime. He loved this, but at the same time it had the same weight as a job.

In the back of his mind he knew the "When is Quackity streaming???" is mostly lighthearted, he never wants to leave.

"Quack are you okay? Im fine! Just thinking about how to get something to eat at 2am." He laughed lying to his fans, he wanted to stop this stream.

He kept looking over to his lover lying their head on his pillow scrolling through their phone and alternating their vision from him and their phone. He always caught a glimpse of their small smile everytime he looked. He was doing something right.

"Do yall think Taco Bell is open? The only problem I have is that Im fucking starving."

He paused for a moment taking a deep breath trying to keep his emotions down. The stress was getting to him, and he fucking knew it, but he didnt stop. He was going to get burnt out eventually and stop streaming and YouTube all together, but he needed this. He needed a break, he needed to take time for himself and stop putting on a happy face when he isnt.

TTS ◇pulixsaxe: "Did you see what was happening on Twitter quackity?"

"Wait what's happening on Twitter?" He asked with a weary laugh.

I can sit here and pretend like my biggest problems are

Pringle cans, and burritos

The truth is, my biggest problem's you,

Your eyes widened as he mentioned Twitter. Truth be told he was trending because of his stream, yes, but also they brung up stuff from his past again in the wake of another content creator's past or present being brought up. You hadn't paid attention to that, you were only getting fueled up from Twitter bringing up an issue that he already had addressed.

Tempted to speak and tell him its fine, he already spoke up before you.

"I bet it's fine! I dont wanna... I don't need to look." He said with a smile. He always had that smile on.

Either it was a full smile or a half smile. It never left his face and it comforted you somehow. Maybe it was that you were his significant other, but you always wondered if anyone saw the same things as you. The things like his smile that never left his face.

"Yeah! I dont need to look at that." He waved his hand dismissing the comment away. He then sighed letting his shoulders relax as you saw his smile fade and his eyes close for a second and immediately put that small smile back on his face while his eyes were glossy, but bright.

He needed to end this stream soon. You saw his face fall then in a split second come back to life except his eyes were glossy with tears. You wondered if anyone else noticed.

"I want to please you

But I want to stay true to myself

I want to give you the night out that you deserve"

His eyes tearful as he tried to blink them away trying to not make a scene.

"Sorry! Allergies ugh!" He said as he wiped his tears away claiming them as allergies.

"Are you crying? No! Im not a pussy!" He yelled at his chat in a joking manner.

He was crying and he felt weak. He felt emotionally weak, and weak as in not strong, he didn't feel strong and his lover who was sitting on his bed with a concerned look on their face always told him that it's okay to feel weak. The only meaningful thing is how you pick yourself up, they always told him, bur now he felt at rock bottom.

He wanted to give his fans "himself", the goofy, lovable, loud, quick-witted, Quackity. But then again his lover always told him to separate Quackity from Alex. He wanted to give himself to his audience, he wanted to be authentic and share himself, but he cant. Alex isn't all laughs, he is serious, calmer, and when he gets on the screen is when he lets it all out then goes back to his more calmer self. That's not what they want.

"But I want to say what I think

And not care what you think about it"

Giving himself meant dialing back, he wants to tell how hes actually feeling, he wants to say what he thinks about Twitter, what he thinks about certain friends, about his fanbase, and then leave it alone. He wanted to delete social media and then speak his mind without knowing what anyone is saying about it. It was paradise to him, but of course it cant be that way and that's what he hates. He feels like a actor when he really wants to be himself.

"A part of me loves you,"

Alex loved his fanbase, he had such a supportive fanbase that loved his content. Some of them did atleast he didn't fully know, but they gave him the courage to do this time and time again knowing that his content is at least taking them from the harsh reality of real life for a few minutes or hours. This was the reason he did this, for them.

Alex would never admit this but they boosted his ego too, it would for anyone. The fact that there were people who wanted and enjoyed content from him made him feel good about himself.

"part of me hates you"

He hated the contant criticisms, he hates that they feed his ego so much that it makes him want to stream more to feel good about himself and to make people get away for awhile. Alex knew inside of his heart he couldn't truly hate his fanbase, they gave him everything he ever wanted. He hates them for that and that's such a scary thing. He never fails to wonder if he did the things to deserve all the love and hate he gets.

"Part of me needs you,"

They feed his ego, they make him want to go above and beyond. Alex knows that his fanbase is the reason he is here in this chair infront of three expensive monitors. He knows that this is some sort of a job that he needed. He needed the push to keep going and that was them, it was the 200k people watching his stream watching him answer questions about him and

"part of me fears you"

He was fearful of loosing himself to them. Loosing his authenticity to them was something he feared. He didnt want his funny, loud persona to consume him and make him forget about Alex instead of Quackity. He fears what they think as well, he claims he doesnt care, but he does he wants to please them. It feels like two parts of his brain fighting about if he should care or not.

"And I don't think that I can handle this right now"

The text-to-speech bot continued to speak out people's comments that theu paid for while he sat there quietly. He bit his bottom lip trying to not break down infront of everyone he needed to be strong. He needed to be strong.

If he looked up at the camera everyone would see his tears, they would see him breaking.

He played it off as he brough his shirt up to wipe the tears away, claiming it as sweat.

"Im good! Im sorry I spaced out for a second." He shook his head.

He saw you look at him with that same concerned look on your face. As he switched his gaze between you and his computer, he felt his tears come back again.

"I don't think that I can handle this right-"

"Alex." You tried to get his attention.

"Yeah guys Im fine!"

"Alex"

"I don't think that I can handle this right-"

"I have plans later for another lore stream, so Ill start doing that later tonight."

"ALEX!" You yelled and his head turned around to face you.

"What?" He laughed, biting his lip again.

You couldn't stop him doing this, you could try to course him into going to bed, but right now you couldn't find the words. You just stared at him while he looked at you with a somber smile trying to tell you that he was okay.

He felt his mind telling himself that he need to rest. He wouldnt allow himself to and thats why he was breaking down.

"I don't think that I can handle this right-"

Alex was blinking rapidly trying to keep his breathing and tears at bay while he answered his fans.

"My allergies are fine! And I drank water today."

◇moonchild21: WE LOVE YOU

◇sopusand: Why do you look like that?

◇wuackityoo: are you crying??

"Crying is for the weak! I am a strong manly man! Im crying cause I noticed how alpha I am!" He tried to play it off as a "Im a man" joke but you could see right through it.

"I don't think that I can handle this right-"

You had sent a quick text to Alex which told him to end the stream for his own mental health, but he left the message unread. He began sniffing and the wiping his eyes again. It was a wreck and you couldn't seem to stop it without literally dragging him out of his chair.

Meanwhile the screens were getting to Alex. Alex's eyes were getting tired of the bright screens and the rapid messages that popped up on the screen overwhelmed him for what it seemed like the first time ever in his strraming career. He wanted to give them the fun night they deserved and wanted, but he knows it's getting hard to. He dosent know how long he can keep this up.

As Alex kept joking around about his eyes and physical state the chat was filled with "LMAO" and "HAHAHA" which fuled him more and then at the same time makes him want to stop.

Look at them, they're just staring at me, like

"Come and watch the skinny kid with a

Steadily declining mental health, and laugh as he attempts

To give you what he cannot give himself"

He cannot give himself the luxury of happiness. As he went on with his career it became more and more like a chore, there was mostly down days and of course there were up days, but recently Alex gave his fans the happiness and laughes they wanted while when he turned off the camera he couldn't replicate that same energy as he had before.

It messed him up, he felt himself become separated from his streaming. He wasn't being himself anymore he was being Quackity and that became more apparent as the days passed. He wanted to be himself on camera and at first thats what he thought he was doing. He was himself then it turned into a persona.

Alex wasn't okay and he he needed to take a break from the internet for a while, but he tries to act like he dosent have a dilemma going on inside of his head everytime he sits in this seat. Its for the fans.

"Think that I can handle this right-

I don't think that I can handle this right-

They don't even know the half of this right-

They don't even know the half of it"

"Alex you need to end the stream. Please?"

He looked towards you again where you moved your position from the middle of the bed to sitting up on the end of the bed.

"Ive told you millions of times." He paused for a moment looking down at his lap before looking back up to you. "Im-Im okay." He nodded trying to convince you.

"But I know I'm not a doctor, I'm a pussy, I put on a silly show

I should probably just shut up and do my job, so here I go"

"Cant you belive them!" He laughed to his camera. You scoffed at his comment but still kept an eye on him as he talked.

You didnt need to baby him at all, but right now you were worried about your lover.

Alex continued talking and talking, which you drowned out. You were focused on his face and how he faltered time to time just showing a small frown.

He laughed and showed them a good time even though he was hurting. He kept going and going and you were convinced he was going to hold out until you heard him sniff multiple times while trying to make a joke about the new Minecraft update and how the glow squid has no use.

"Stupid ass squid! Why- why? Its no use expect for glowing ink. Who voted for that!?"

You can tell them anything if you just make it funny, make it rhyme

And if they still don't understand you, then you run it one more time

"Dumbass squid!" He pulled up a picture if the squid as he yelled at it.

You began to worry even more as you saw tears running down his face. He quickly tried to wipe them away, but he knew everyone saw.

Handle this right

You don't even know the half of this right now

Right now (Haa!)

Now

Handle this right

I'll handle this right, I handle this right now

Alex leaned back in his seat and had a blank stare towards the monitor. Looked down for a second and then you heard sobbing coming from his spot. Alex had his head in his hands and was crying harshly into them.

He had finally broken, he couldn't stop the tears from coming and the loud sobs that came from his mouth. He was trying to desperately breathe in to be able to sob, but ended up hiccuping while doing so.

Your eyes widened as you rushed to him resting your hand on his knees and you kneeling infront of him.

"I cant do fu-fucking anything!" He yelled into his hands.

"Hey! I know. Its okay." You tried to console him.

"Its not I try so hard! And I-"

You cut him off. "You are a hard worker Alex and you deserve a week or two off. Take care of you self babe." You stood up bringing his hand with you and trying to make him stand up. He followed your movements and stood up with you putting his head on your shoulder crying into it.

"I just ca-cant right now!"

"You dont have to do anything right now babe."

"Im sorry!" Alex sobbed.

"Dont be." You said bluntly trying to get your lover to calm down.

You rubbed his back soothingly as he sniffled into your shoulder. "Im sorry for ruining your shirt." He tried to laugh through his tears.

"Dont be sorry! Please. You just need rest okay?" You kissed his forehead and he nodded in response.

Alex raised his head up an started to pepper kisses all over your face as you laughed. He gave you one last peck on the lips as he walked away to quickly change into night clothes. You smiled as he laid underneath the covers and continued to softly cry into his sheets. At least he was in bed and not makijg himself even worse.

He couldn't stop the tears from flowing, it was like a flood that could only be stopped with time. He felt like a boulder was lifted off his shoulders only to be replaced with smaller rocks. The smaller rocks was the guilt he held. He felt guilty of making his lover worry about him, he didnt want you to worry.

You rushed over to his desk and turned off the stream and his computers not even bothering to give them a goodnight or goodbye. After the computer lights were turned off it was quite dark in the room except for small light.

Finally you were where you wanted to be all day, in bed with Alex. But this wasnt the predicament you wanted.

"Forgive me. I just cant do shit right can I?" His eyes were still full of tears and he was getting tired.

"Alex dont listen to anyone but yourself." You tried to console him.

"That's what I'm telling myself."

Silence filled the room as you looked at him through tearful eyes of your own.

"Alex, you're so amazing and I cant even tell you how much I appreciate you, and how much you change my life. You do so much shit right its scary sometimes. Some days I think you're perfect, but there's-"

"There's no such thing as perfect." Alex finished your sentence.

"Exactly! Even the best people have their downfalls, they just dont show it. And Alex I know you struggle with that! All I can say is that I love you for you." You finished.

"Can I talk to you about my dilemmas?" He tried to laugh again.

"Tomorrow we can talk. We both need the rest." You said to him as he closed his eyes and nodded in response. He gave you a kiss on you lips before laying back down to sleep.

"Thank you."

"Thank you

Good night

I hope you're happy"

TRENDING

ARE YOU OKAY

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QUACKITY

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ARE YOU OKAY QUACKITY?

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thepringlesofblood · 2 years ago

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i got a fuckin video game story for ya

In minecraft, I have a basic sandbox creative mode world, where I fuck around and explore things. it is home to such ambitious projects as Pixel Art Sans and Pixel Art Sans 2, a dope ass home base on top of a waterfall that I never actually use, several “baby caves” which are just caves/ponds of axolotls that I have named after various fictional characters, a honey farm, and a village that was just right next to spawn, where I built a little village house for myself, leveled everyone up, and made it my home.

There is a mason villager that consistently sleeps in my bed. At first I just put another bed next to them to use for myself and figured I’d fix it in the morning. I put other beds out. I made a new villager-style house full of beds. I put beds in every house where they fit. Still the mason comes home to me. I was annoyed, but this was before I started looking things up for answers every time something went wrong - I wanted the Authentic Experience. I wanted to learn things for myself.

I resigned myself to having a roommate. Time goes on. I become reluctantly fond of my villager roomie. Eventually I start referring to them as my “mason husband.” When I come home from the 17th buried treasure map I followed for shits and giggles, there is my mason husband, sleeping next to me as always. When I get back from trying to figure out how the different terracotta pieces fit together, there is my mason husband. I made this sandbox world years ago, and my mason husband has been there the whole time.

Then. Recently. While doing some cleaning I accidentally break the beds. Not realizing the damage I’d done, I just put down new ones. My mason husband does not come home that night. Nor the next. Nor the next. Eventually I go out looking for them.

Of course, the rest of the village is FULL of beds. Beds I put down years ago trying to get rid of them. Beds I kept once I realized villagers actually breed and make new villagers.

Not wanting anyone to sleep outside, I mostly put these beds in existing villager structures. I find my mason husband sleeping next to the village librarian. I got my initial wish. I am alone in my bed at home. The finger of the monkey’s paw curls inwards.

Logically, I know that all I have to do is break that one too, and remove all other open beds in the village. But I can’t force them to be my mason husband, not when it was I that broke our marital bed. I know villagers don’t have long memories, but I can’t help but feel like they’d know. I’m no homewrecker. I have to accept my mason husband’s new life. I don’t visit the librarian for anything anyway.

But I can’t bring myself to get rid of the other bed in my house. It sits there, reminding me of what I’ve lost. What I pushed away. I’ve gotten so used to the sight of two beds - the rest of the house is structured around them. At some point over the years, I stopped thinking about my little village house as just mine - it also belongs to my mason husband. I can’t bring myself to break their bed again. Just in case. Just in case the librarian kicks them out or something, even though I know now that that’s not how villagers work.

I don’t want answers. I don’t want cheats or hacks. Over the years I personified my mason husband to such a degree that it feels wrong not to honor their choice. I can’t wind back time - I’ve made so much progress on other projects, and also I’m not great at computers and wouldn’t know where to start. I just have to let my mason husband live their best life, even if it doesn’t involve me.

god, im fuckin lonely. I need more friends.

#storytime #story #original post #minecraft

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hyunjinspark · 3 years ago

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my warm happy butterfly feelings evaporated by the end of the 4th chapter 💀

hana 😭😭 why bestie 😭😭😭 i wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, i want her to be happy like y/n wants her to be but when she lied to hyunjin about watching his performance + stole y/n’s words/opinion of it, and didn’t seem to give a shit..... 🔪✊😐✊🔪

she clearly doesn’t have a genuine interest in hyunjin’s hobbies and passions, which are important to him and a vital piece of him, and i’m just over here wondering how she thinks that’s gonna work out for her in the long term.... you can’t fake a relationship, well i mean you can, but not if you want an authentic match made in heaven like she seems to desire. i hope someone comes to their senses and talks to her, preferably y/n bc she needs to look out for hana’s heart as her best friend, if not hyunjin’s too as he’s not just an acquaintance anymore, because neither of them deserve.... whatever is going on here. i mean, we don’t know yet what hyunjin’s intentions are for the relationship, if hes also looking for long term or just going with the flow, but either way, hana is not the one for him (obviously, because you didn’t write her to be). he said he wouldn’t hurt hana (at least i think that’s who he was talking about), so i’m curious as to how this is gonna play out.... i’m sure whatever happens, you’re gonna write it so beautifully😭

i think as well that hana’s used her energy focusing on her romantic relationships (past and present) rather than on being observant and a good friend to y/n, which makes me sad. i’m glad y/n has felix though, even if he’s being a jealous bean rn💛

um.... also we love minho the menace. i mean i had to stop and breathe deeply because i was as nervous and embarrassed for what he was gonna say as y/n, but..... dare i say..... he’s useful in progressing the plot✨ if only slightly✨ i could be wrong, bc you didn’t give a direct hint (that i know of), but i’m hoping hyunjin, as the smart, observant boy he is, caught on to what minho was saying. because i really think hyunjin remembers y/n too, whether he’s as sentimental about it as her or not.

..... just thought about the fact that if earlier at the chateau y/n had chosen to ask hyunjin if he remembered her, and he did catch on to what minho was saying at the diner..... boyohboyohboy🤪 the mortification–i can feel it. silly goose y/n hours, for sure. she’d be regretting every decision to open up to anyone she’s ever made.

lastly, i just wanted to point out that i noticed and appreciated the purple pin that was holding up that art piece💜👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨 little foreshadowing there?? i hope🥺

as always love you and your writing. i want to live in the slwy universe so bad😩 the way you’ve described everything like settings and people is so !!!!!! ugh, i don’t have the words. it’s so easy to get immersed in the story each chapter. and i just see so much of myself in the way you’ve written y/n, but she’s living my dream😭 when is it my turn?🤨 but yeah. you’re just so talented jade, i don’t know how else to put it. i might’ve said something like this before but i feel like i need to tell you a hundred times because i don’t want you to ever doubt yourself. thank you for being so creative and sharing that with us. so cool of you lol 🤍

hi anon ! don’t worry your butterflies will come back in chapter 5 😘 im glad you want hana to be happy, but also dislike her 😭 understandable. she definitely does want a match made in heaven but also seems to believe that it means everything will fall into place with no real effort from her side. that’s probably why she isn’t too interested in knowing more about hyunjin as a person. yes! hyunjin’s intentions are unknown too at this point.

we will see if hyunjin caught onto minho’s conversation or remembers yn…👀 that would definitely have been so embarrassing for her if she asked hyun that and then the minho conversation happened ! its a good thing it didn’t right 🤪 so glad you noticed the purple pin 📍

thank you so much for your kind words. i want to live in this universe too so bad, its peaceful and romantic and dreamy and slow. your words went straight to my heart thank u so much! also did you forget your anon emoji or do you not have one ??🧐 i love you !

#star lost with you

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prettyboykatsuki · 3 years ago

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ari!!!! hope ur doing okay ): pls take medicine and rest if u can, giving u many smooches on ur forehead <3

also…… i’m thinking about starting a writing blog >_< i was thinking about how u have so many friends and writing seems like such a passion for u and i kind of want to see if i can create my own space like that as well :’) do u have any advice for anyone starting out, especially during this time ? also im eighteen and im in that place where i feel like im too young to interact with people but also too old to interact with other people so it’s very much a greyish area im sitting in and it vibes total ass a little bit :/ what should i do ?

(also congrats on the milestone!! such a huge number omg but much deserved <33)

thank you thank you love!! i appreciate ur warm words. trying to take care of myself lol.

i have a writing advice post here that you can check out here for like. actual advice on the writing portion. also on you being 18,, im 19 lol im very young and so are many mutuals so i would say it's a non issue ngl. most people don't care about it as long as you're legal.

im always frank with people when they ask this question so im not actively trying to discourage you but i think it's important to seriously consider what running a blog entails and how writing when you do it in this way can effect you.

i have been writing for a very long time. and i continue to write because ive been doing it for a long time. even if tumblr blew up in my face, i'd still be writing. there's a lot about labelling yourself as a writer that can go side-ways particularly on tumblr - not limited to peoples expectations for you but how people will look to you for guidance and how you become a figurehead. it's a long, convoluted issue that i wont go in depth on since i have before.

i am very grateful for my close friends and mutuals like beyond belief and i think it's really nice that people enjoy my presence here. im at a point where i wouldn't leave since i've actively tried to maintain a healthy relationship w this app by taking breaks when i need them.

but being 100% real with you, go in with authenticity and be honest with yourself about what you can handle. anon hate is a huge issue, but so is all the other issues in relation to interactions and reblog ratios, lack of feedback, general disagreements, and reconciling with the fact you're opening yourself to the opinions of others.

of course these things shouldn't be that way. it'd be great if we all left each other alone. but the unfortunate, broad truth is that it is. im not saying you shouldn't. im just saying i think it's something you should consider carefully.

#return to sender #i feel like i give this lecture every few months HEHFDJSK #sorry </333

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bringingglory · 3 years ago

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thank you so much for the tags @hanamuri @fullmetalscullyy @megthemighty @nightofnyx8 @tsaritsa !

How many works do you have on AO3? 11! some are botw, one is tdiapt, some are fma, and some are haikyuu! i mostly just write for whatever im interested in at the moment/whichever fandom inspiration strikes for

What's your total AO3 word count? 101,939

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Keep Your Friends Closer But Your Enemies Closer - T: ahhhh my miraculous ladybug fic! ive literally been working on her for FOREVER and i swear to god im going to finish it, i literally know how i want to end it and i know all the events leading up to it. hell, i even have a vague idea of what i want to happen in the middle, i just need to know what order the middle stuff happens in and also i just have to write it. It's an AU where Ladybug and Chat Noir are actually enemies but then Chat Noir accidentally befriends Marinette and then drama etc etc etc.

rain - G: first zelink fic babey! set Pre-Calamity and basically link and zelda get stuck in a cave because of the rain and there's just a lot of quiet pining, etc etc.

Your Friendly Neighborhood Oikawa - T: HAHAHA this was a crack fic inspired by my roommate but then i forgot it was supposed to be a crack fic while writing it and there are accidentally real emotions alkjdfalksdf but anyway it was very fun to write lmao. it was based off this meme and basically it's an AU where Oikawa is Spider-Man and Iwaizumi doesn't know but they still like hang out and stuff. It's a lot of fun, or at least I think it is, haha.

stolen moments - T: first royai fic!!! just a series of "stolen moments" (mic drop) where roy and riza like cant be together but yknow, they try. lots of pining. etc

a secret weapon of sorts - T: 5+1 edwin fic inspired by the Simple People OVA where instead of ed giving winry earrings to get out of trouble, he gives her kisses.

Do you reply to comments, why or why not? Yes! I try really hard to!!! Sometimes I get overwhelmed and I don't respond to comments for a while, but I absolutely do my best to when I remember because I feel like it's my way of saying "thank you" for them reading my fics in the first place, haha.

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending? Uhhhhh, sleepless I guess? But it's more open-ended/not explicitly positive more than anything, though even then I feel like I've got a hint of hope in there. alkjdfhalsdk idk man I just, I can't write *pure* angst, there's gotta be some light, and thus I could never end anything angstily

What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending? LMAO most of my fics??? I guess??? bc despite being an anxious piece of shit, I am an optimist by heart

Do you write crossovers? If so, what's the craziest one you've ever written? When I was younger! Idk, I guess the Rise of the Brave Frozen Tangled Dragons fandom??? if anyone remembers what that is lmao

Have you ever received hate on a fic? Not exactly? Maybe some weird comments on KYFCBYEC but even then, it wasn't that often.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind? No no no no no no no no. I am telling you, I physically cannot write smut. I don't think I actually have the capacity. Absolute fucking kudos to every single smut writer out there bc it truly is an art form capturing that intimacy and emotion and etc, but I literally get flustered from writing mildly detailed kiss scenes. If I ever wrote smut, I would burst into flames on the spot.

Actually lies, I technically wrote smut once, but it was at the request of my roommates and they wanted me to write a crack smut fic of Y/N x our uni's mascot and I wrote that thing in like 3 hours with so many silly memes to keep myself sane (not like other girls, tongues battled for dominance, etc), did not edit it, and because it was so, like, not serious, I was actually able to get through it. But even then, when I wrote "thrusting" I literally had to put my laptop down for 20 minutes.

Have you ever had a fic stolen? Nope!

Have you ever had a fic translated? Not yet! Someone commented on Your Friendly Neighborhood Oikawa and asked if they could translate it and I said yes! They haven't gotten around to it yet, but I would love to see it if they do!

Have you ever co-written a fic before? Not yet!

What’s your all-time favourite ship? Bro it changes day to day. You can't ask me this lmao. The current ship I'm most fixated on is Iwaoi, but I wouldn't say they're my all-time favorite.

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will? I'm not answering this energy. On god, I'm going to finish things. I want to.

What are your writing strengths? uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh very good question lmao. I don't really like thinking about "strengths" in my writing bc who am I to say? akjdslakfjdf idk, instead, I'm just gonna say some things I like/try to do in my writing, which are: conversational prose/having a lot of voice in the narration, I try to add humor wherever I can, and recently I've gotten better and metaphors and describing things bc I picked up writing poetry a year ago!

What are your writing weaknesses? hmmm, a thing I dislike about my writing/the writing process is that I'm slow to publish things and slow to finish things because I'm such a messy first drafter and I also take forever to edit. I would like to uhhhhh get things out faster. Also I tend to repeat myself a lot bc I forget the details of things I write sometimes lmao.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic? Hmmm, I dunno, I guess I don't have any strong thoughts? The only other language I know is Mandarin but even then, I suck ass at that, so I'll prolly never write dialogue in another language simply bc I like to try to portray things semi-realistically and I don't think I have a good enough grasp on any other language the same way I do in English to produce authentic enough dialogue.

What was the first fandom you wrote for? Fablehaven I guess? But Idk I was in fourth grade an didn't even know what fandom was yet. Rise of the Guardians, maybe?

What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

AHHHH idk??? maybe hold your hand out in the dark because i really experimented with my writing on that one and im sort of proud of the result, just like the fact that i wanted to try something new and it turned out alright. that or Sunset Wheeling which is an iwaoi fic where they just skate, and like it's prolly one of the most self-indulgent things i've ever written because it's silly and they just. skate. but aljdfalsjd idk i loved it and i churned it out in 6 days and it was a lot of fun lol

ahhh a bunch of people have been tagged already, so sorry if im tagging you again, but for now im just gonna tag @niconiconina @notkorras @thatisadamnfinecupofcoffee @firewoodfigs and anyone else who wants do it!

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talkfastromance4 · 4 years ago

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Champagne-- C.H

a/n: totally self-indulgent piece here, used as therapy for myself. yeah. might delete.

donate to my ko-fi here :)

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• • • •

It’s late, nearing the bar close and Calum enters the dive bar close to his home. It’s pretty much vacant except for a few patrons scattered about the space and he sees a young woman sitting by herself with a whole bottle of champagne next to her.

Curious but keeping his distance at bay, he approaches the barstool next to her then nods at the bartender. He orders his drink, watching the motions while also glancing at the woman next to him. He takes in her outfit, dressed to the nines in a rose gold dress with a crown on her head that has a jeweled number placed in the middle. A sash has fallen to her legs, Calum can vaguely make out ‘Ha’ and ‘irthday’ to figure out it must be her birthday today.

He pushes a twenty dollar bill forward in exchange for his drink, glancing at the woman again. She puckers her lips to the bottle, takes a long drink and wrinkles her nose from the bubbly. Calum surveys the room to see if anyone is in the same attire as her; if her friends or family are around. When he spots two old men and a younger couple making out in the corner by a flashy game he realizes she’s alone.

Her phone dings and she moves sluggishly to swipe at the notification. She scoffs opening up her small clutch that’s also next to her, but with the alcohol in her system her dexterity is off and her phone clatters to the floor. Calum moves quickly to retrieve it for her just as she tries to get off the stool. Her legs are tangled in her sash and she falls into his chest.

Calum keeps his grip on her phone while also keeping her from falling to the sticky bar floor. He grunts helping her sit back on the stool, the sash completely falls in a small heap on the floor. He notices her shoes are rose gold and that she has a tattoo on her ankle before he looks into her eyes.

She’s drunk, that’s for sure, but he can see a sadness hidden behind the alcoholic lenses.

“Thank you,” she says softly, taking her phone from him. Their fingers brush, he notices how cold they are.

“You’re welcome, I don’t think there’s any damage,” he responds, eyes glancing at her champagne bottle that is nearly empty. Did she really drink that by herself? “Um, I’m Calum,” he holds out his hand.

She tells him her name slipping her ice cold hand in his, then he notices there’s goosebumps on her arms. Without a second thought, he removes his leather jacket draping it over her shoulders.

“Oh, please, you don’t have to--”

“You have goosebumps,” he shrugs then offers her half a grin, “can’t have the birthday girl freeze, can we?”

She bites her lip as tears free fall from her eyes. She tries to swipe them away but more tears come. Calum panics and grabs napkins that are in front of her from a little square tin.

“I’m sorry, what did I say? I didn’t mean to make you cry,” he apologizes and helps dab under her eyes with the napkin. He makes sure he doesn’t ruin her eye make-up which he also notices is rose gold. It must be her signature color, if he’s being honest, she looks really pretty in it.

“You’re the only one who noticed actually,” she sniffles letting him continue to dab at her cheeks. She reaches for the bottle but Calum is faster and moves it away.

“If you finish that you might throw up, that’s not fun,” he shakes his head.

“Too late,” she snickers then covers her face in her hands. “I’m so pathetic. I’m crying alone in a bar, puke and rallied and drank a whole bottle of champagne. And now a really cute stranger is drying my face.”

“It’s not pathetic,” he shakes his head, doing one final swipe under her eye. “And I’m glad to help make sure the pretty birthday girl’s eyeshadow is intact.” he tosses the napkin to the counter and pulls up the barstool so he can sit next to her. “Do you want to talk about it? I’m a really good listener. I’ll even buy you water.” He looks to the bartender who overheard his request.

“Water’s free,” she sniffs, giving him a watery laugh.

“So is kindness. Tell me why you’re in a bar alone on your birthday?”

“Everything went wrong. No one texted me back about my plans, I bought my own decorations and didn’t even put them up because I guess it’s “selfish” to want to decorate for your own birthday. I’ve been sitting here for hours and no one showed up,” her voice wavers, “so I decided to get drunk by myself by taking some shots, ordered an appetizer and drank and drank until I got sick. Then I felt better and bought myself this bottle of champagne. I feel like I’m in a poorly written movie.”

She moves to cover her face with her hands again just as a large glass of water is placed next to her bottle of champagne. Calum holds onto her wrists, gently moving them away from her face and pushes the water in front of her. She drinks it heartily, Calum’s fixated on the rings she’s wearing as the water level descends.

“I’m sorry that this is happening to you,” he tells her truthfully, she shrugs while she continues to drink her water. “How about I celebrate with you? We’ll do whatever you want.”

“You’d do that for a stranger?” she raises her eyebrows, resting her cheek in her hand.

“No one deserves to be alone on their birthday. What would you like to do first?”

She stares at him for a long time, finishes her water then huffs out a breath. “Let’s blow this popsicle stand.”

They end up walking to a gas station and he buys her all the snacks and candy she wants. Then they go to Target and he buys card games and other board games they could play. Their final destination is a spot on the beach, his headlights shining on them while they eat and play.

While they’re playing Candyland, they also play 20 questions and find out each other’s likes and dislikes, dreams and fears, hobbies, favorite movies, the best and worst memories. When their snacks are nearly gone, she unfastens her heels then stands to her feet holding out her hand.

He takes it willingly, loving how her pink nails peek out from his black leather jacket and also loving how she still has it on.

“Where are we going birthday girl?” he grins following her to the edge of the waves.

“In the water,” she smiles. She squeals when her toes touch the frothy water.

“Hang on,” he chuckles toeing off his shoes and socks, his hand still firm in hers. Once he’s barefoot he joins her in the water, biting back a swear but it still breaks through. “Shit! This is cold.”

“You’ll get used to it,” she giggles, wading in a little deeper. She laces her fingers through his, kicking her feet in the waves. “Thank you for this, for spending my birthday with me, a total stranger.”

“I don’t think we’re strangers anymore,” he smiles watching her play in the water. The light from his car makes her crown sparkle and he swears he’s never seen someone so authentically beautiful.

“That’s nice,” she sighs airily.

Her body twists away from him to explore the length of the water’s edge, but he’s quick to reign her into him. The water splashes against their legs, she giggles from the movement and Calum adjusts her crown. His eyes move to hers slowly, his fingers caressing her cheek until he combs through her hair.

She stares at him expectantly, eyes wide as he leans down. He touches her lips softly, tasting her lip gloss and cherry coke. She brings her hand to his cheek, nails scratching against his scruff. He removes his hand from hers to grab onto her waist, pulling her against him. She lifts her other arm to loop around his neck, the motion makes his jacket fall off her shoulders.

“Oh no! Your jacket!” she exclaims pulling her lips from his.

“I don’t care,” he shakes his head, rubbing his thumb on her cheek, then onto her lower lip. He pulls another kiss from her. “You can pay me back.”

“How?” she giggles playing with his hair.

“Take me out on my birthday,” his hand on her lower back moves a little lower.

“When’s that?” she laughs breathlessly, swaying in the water with him.

“In six months,” he grins then kisses her more feverishly until his headlights burn out and they’re left kissing in the ocean under the stars.

• • • •

Taglist: @galcalirwin @cashtonasff5sos @thecurlsofgod @myloverboyash @rotten-kandy @tea4sykes @jannimoeller3 @loveroflrh @iovehemmings @cxddlyash @princesslrh @here-for-the-uproars @katiaw2 @g-l-pierce @fairyintheglass @gosh-im-short @banditocth @dezzym17 @koalacal @lukeisbaby @spicycal @mysticalhood @notinthesameguey @wastedheartcth @atlcal @itjustkindahappenedreally @calumance @babylon-corgis @thew0rldneedsmcreycghurt @lanternlover2 @istaywithmyjonas @calteahood @sarcastically-defensive17 @another-lonely-heart @calumhoodaf @frontmanash @philthepegacorn @mantlereid @lukedorkyhemmings @addietagglikesbands @kikixfandoms @sanrioluke @mayve-hems @morguelth @haikucal @thatscooibaby @meghanrose05 @idontneedanyone @dinosaursandsocks @cassie-sos @suchalonelysunflower @burstintocolor @zhangyixingxing1

**if your url has a strike through it’s because your blog didn’t show up as a tag! :(

#calum hood fic #calum hood fluff #calum fluff #calum hood writing #calum 5sos writing #calum writing

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jon-astronaut · 4 years ago

Note

hi! i don’t know if you already answered this (and im so sorry if you did!) but i was just wondering what your favorite and least favorite portrayals of all the skamverse characters were and why?

oh hi anon! i haven’t actually answered this ahahha all day i only answered when people told me their faves and never counted mine. this might take a long time to answer because i have to think and reply so long so sorry for replying late in advance...

eva:

favourite is lisa. she just started the whole thing and she was so real and authentic in her portrayal like everything she did felt so fitting with eva nothing less and nothing more. i would give a special shoutout to ludovica just cause she is my fave eva and i think she added a good comedic acting and edge to her character.

least fave might be alba not because she did so bad but because i didn’t connect with her character much. idk either the acting or the writing didn’t resonate with me she felt a little too plain. but maybe i need to do a rewatch. and anyway she grew on me.

noora:

favourite is nicole. she showed us how much nora faded away and a hollow ghost of her came forward throughout her seasons. the change in nore is apparent even in her posture, her tone.

least fave benedetta. kinda ironic because skamit is one of my top 2 remakes but yeah she didn’t work on me at all in s3. i didn’t buy most of her scenes which is a shame because she was good in s1 and she had good chemistry with the edoardo actor.

isak:

favourite is tarjei, definitely. there was something about his portrayal that made me feel like watching a documentary and no remake reached that level. he was so nuanced and a lot of his emotions were in the little mimics, looks and gestures. axel and michi are a close seconds.

i can’t choose a least fave here. i mean i like all the isaks in their own way. i don’t think any of them were like bad. i wish we got to see florian too. or or if we are counting lucas rubio is a isak remake then alejandro isn’t good as the extra clips show...sorry.

sana:

favourite is tua. she had the heart eyes for mohammed, she had such easy chemistry with him. but then she played amira’s anger and her pain and her pain through her anger in the henna party and the break up with mohammed so well.

least fave ugh maybe assa? this probably has more to do with the writing then her acting but idk there was something there that didn’t communicate her relationship with sofiane or her anger to me.

jonas:

favourite anselm. i literally spent the day praising him...the thing is while michi and lilly are easing into their roles in s1 anselm already seems to portray jonas so well. like he is so relaxed and natural in his role. and then he added a ton to jonas with his softness and his funny side. kudos to the breakup with hanna + coming out scene. with ludovico as a close second because he made giovanni his own too.

least favourite nathan bouts. i swear this has less to do with writing and more with acting. i find him similar to reiky’s jonas and while reiky communicated the loveable asshole vibes to me nathan didn’t. maybe he had better material to play with in s3 it would be different.

william:

favourite is nathan. i might like alejandro's william more as a character but nathan did the best with the not much changed storyline. he literally took the william we saw in og and added so much dimension like the softness with zoe, his voice when he is defending his views, his anger towards his brother chef’s kiss. chris veres is the close second here i mean even his comedic delivery is everything.

least favourite thomas. while trying to have him be this cold, popular guy i think he didn’t actually played well mostly just stood there with no expression. and that’s just no.

even:

favourite is henrik. really shows his power how no one was able to top him yet. i think in praising tarjei we forgot him but like i talked about all day THE LOCKER ROOM SCENE and how much he communicated with his eyes yup.

least favourite maxence. like i said he started bothering me on the rewatches and i realized they relied too much to his looks and natural charm of the actor. i might be biased here about rocco’s acting because i like nicco and marti and nicco so he is not my least fav.

yousef:

favourite is hassan who plays mohammed. maybe it’s because he had more heated arguments with amira about religion and their ‘breakup’ was more painful so i liked his portrayal much more. he just put something into the character like he defended his beliefs with as much fierce as amira.

least fave is lucas nabor who plays dani because spoiler! dani is yousef in skamesp. i will give him the benefit of the doubt maybe by the end of the season i could like his acting more and he does have good heart eyes but right now i don’t vibe with his acting much.

vilde:

favourite is lula. suffered through s6 for her acting’s sake (and for flavie’s) and she is just so good. the pain is in her eyes throughout s6, her breakup with basile was so heartbreaking. but also in earlier seasons she got daphne’s energetic and naive self so well.

least fave is nona who plays amber. idk i don’t vibe with amber and since wtfock cast put a lot into the characters even when writing is bad i think it’s more of her acting issue. it feels like there isn’t anything to her character and amber feels so one dimensional.

chris berg:

(not counting irene here) ah i would say fave is coline. i think she is the chris character that got the most material to play with (maybe why she is my fave) and she did the best out of it. but her scenes in s5 especially the one where she opens up is so nice i could read her emotions on her face.

least fave is nonexistent? i mean most of the time the chris character doesn’t get stuff to act with so like i cannot really judge the actors much when i haven’t seen much from them. and i just vibe with all chris versions.

mahdi:

fave is robin. s5 of skam fr might have gone downhill but robin had a really good performance that only got better throughout the season. especially the ending of the first ep where he looks over the street with his hearing faded away just the look in his eyes wow. honorable mention arda because his little improv lines with louis is amazing. he steals the backgroudn.

least fave again nonexistent because aside from robin and maybe francesco they didn’t get stuff to play with. i mean how can i judge dilan’s actor’s ability?

magnus:

fave is paul. his comedic timing is everything!! and most of that is improv so additional kudos. the way he stole a lot of background moments in s3!!! and s5 and s6 showed how well he could do drama too. when arthur tells him about his hearing the way his face crumbles - wow.

again no least fave because they don’t get material. like i may not like aaron as a character but i cannot say the actor does a bad job when he has to play one side of a character.

i think that about covers everyone!!! naturally i didn’t do anyone from druck or skam france new gen because this was just the versions.

i am so sorry that this is too long......but i cannot just name actors and not explain myself come on. and thanks anon for asking this i enjoyed typing out this a lot!

i also discovered something my fave version of the character doesn’t equal to my fav portrayal always. like nora isn’t my fav noora but she is my favourite portrayal. but jonas augustin and giovanni are my fav jonas characters interchangeably and anselm is my fav portrayal with ludovico following behind.

anyway let me know what you think about my answers!

#druck #skam españa #wtfock #skam france #skam italia

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edwardashley · 4 years ago

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Tepi Watches The Terror Ep 1.

alright so here’s the first in a 10 part series ig. always been tangentially aware abt the Terror and i know 3 things. 1) based on real ppl 2) there’s a monster!!!! and 3) Hickey is gay evil rat man. so i didnt know much. but i DID know that when i watched it i’d probably like it a lot so i put it off waiting for the Right Time. Now is that time.

Let’s start with episode 1 . . .

oh jeez already there’s some grizzle white men im gonna have a hell of a time differentiating characters on this show

i hope this inuit language here is authentic

are sailors recquired to acknowledge and say “captain” when the captain is around or is that just like? exposition writing

THERES HICKEY

omg Jared Harris accent time i love it

love the juxtaposition of the officers dinner with the rest of the crew (what are the non-officers group called?) how are there so many officers tho.... what do they..... do all day

also how has their like fancy china and glasses no broken presumably this shipped has gone through some gales

dla;kfjdlkjf i CANNOT take this coughing up blood thing seriously it looks so silly

my roommate walked in and said “this opening looks like black sails meets mad men”

im absolutey fucking LIVING for these wide green screen shot tho like. the overwhelming whiteness? I LOVE how desolate and lost it makes them look/feel

also the snow on everything is so fun like it makes it feel gritty and Real but like? in a refreshing way that we havent seen in martime media before

why does the dog not have a little coat ala Snowy in Tintin and the Shooting Star. arent you homosexuals? don’t you make your dog matching coats like Tintin?

I’ve only had Goodsir for 5 minutes and if anything happens to him I’ll kill everyone in this room and also myself (i know bad things are going to happen rip to me i guess)

i would also like to have Goodsir whisper to me on my deathbed

oH DUDE WTF THAT HALLUCINATION FREAKED ME TF OUT??? oh JEEZ if im already getting scared from the first ep this does not bode well for me akldjfldkasjf

my roommate leaves saying “this is too overwhelming for me” lol

my thoughts while Jared Harris is explaining his sailing route. must dialogue be interesting? is it not enough to want to see Jared Harris existing?

oh he’s so awkward god bless i will kiss crozier on the nose

“abandon the erebeus” oh TOBIAS MENZIES IS NOT HAPPY

really dig this vintage diving suit

oH FUCKNIG SHIT AHHHHHH!! COLLINS ID BE HYPERVENTILATING TOO?

i mean congrats to The Terror 2018 for somehow hitting fear of small space and fear of open spaces AND fear of being hunted AT THE SAME TIME didnt htink that was possible but quality horror right there

Collins needs a hug :(

wait so Sir John and Tobias Menzies still wear their full uniforms even when they eat meals alone together? seems over kill

the lighting is so white.... i cannot.... i cannot tell who anyone is jesus christ. all these duedes burying this dude? who are they? the dialogue then was like “hickey is here” and im like HE IS???? undenerneath all that clothing? bundle him up. like a burrito. has anyone done like a pre-school AU for this im just the captains like. leading a chain of kids through the snow and you can only see their noses under their puffy parkas, and theyre all hanging onto a rope lol.

this show better give me some tasty class difference drama

oh that episode felt so fast whoah? okay time to make dinner and then on to ep 2 so expect a write up in like 3 hours or so :)

#the terror amc #cornelius hickey #francis crozier #harry goodsir #gonna tag maybe like two or three charas per live blog depending on who i talk about most #liveblog

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fangirl-inthe-us · 6 years ago

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Querencia Pt. 2

Gif not mine

Summary: Pregnant and alone, you stumble upon a man in the middle of a quarry. You save him from a walker. It all happens fast, but you are in labor and the man you just saved claims to know someone who can help. Will you accept his help or turn the other way?

Querencia - (n.) A place where one’s strength is drawn, where one feels at home; the place where you are your most authentic self.

Author’s Note: Yay! Part two! I’m not too sure about this part. This could be because I’ve read it so many time that I’ve become numb to it. Creative criticism is welcomed. Also, if any of you know how to make my dialogue less awkward, I’d appreciate it! Without further ado, here is part two!

Warnings: Swearing, violence, blood, my grammar.

Word Count: 5.4k

Series parts: Part 1, Part 2,

The Doc, who I had learned was named Hershel, had ordered me to bed rest for a whole twenty-four hours. He said that it was to monitor how the mother and the baby were doing. Fortunately, I had some company to entertain me.

Beth had been by my side for most of the day. She had been tasked with taking care of Edmund. Throughout the day she and I had gotten well acquainted with each other. I found out that she was seventeen. Also, she used to babysit.

I told her how I had gone to college to become a teacher. I mentioned that I ended up dropping out because I didn’t have enough money. Beth told me that before the world ended, she hadn’t fully decided whether she wanted to go or not. Then I told her about how I met Derek and how he died. She had squeezed my shoulder.

“Do ya miss him?” Beth suddenly let out.

“Yes. He was my first love, but I’ve had some time and I’m over it.”

“What do ya mean?” Beth’s lifted her eyes to meet mine. She had her brows furrowed and a small frown on her lips.

“I was out there, alone, for a long time. The time let me think and as the days passed, I came to terms with his death. It also made me think about how I would die. I always figured it’d be in childbirth, but thanks to Daryl, not only do I get to live, but my child does too.” A small smile formed on my lips.

I watched as Beth slipped into her mind. There was a long pause as she thought over something. Suddenly, she came out of her thoughts.

“I don’t know what I’d do if my boyfriend were to die.”

I frowned. What could she mean? It’s been a while since the world ended and communication has been down just as long. How could she possibly know if her boyfriend was alive?

“How do you know if he’s alive?”

She giggled a little, “He’s here on the farm. It was the third day after the world ended and he came rushing into the farm. I was overjoyed to see that he was still alive. He had come to the farm to see if I was too.”

“That makes a lot more sense.” After a moment we both started to giggle. Man, it felt good to have a lighthearted moment again.

After our talk, Beth eventually had to go to sleep. Edmund had been put to bed sometime during our talk. With goodnights exchanged, Beth was out the door heading to her room.

~~~~~~

It was the next morning. I got up and walked to the old crib Edmund was in laying in. Hershel was kind enough to lend me the crib they had used for Beth. I picked up my son and sat down in the chair next to it. I began feeding Edmund.

Suddenly Beth appeared. “Daddy said that you’re able to go outside now,” Beth announced as she leaned on the door frame.

“Okay, thanks, Beth.” The girl walked off and I focused on the task at hand.

After Edmund was full, I had burped him. Soon after, I got both of us dressed. Someone yesterday must have gone out and grabbed a few baby clothes. Since there was a box full of clothes.

There were several onesies and each of them had their own pattern. I soon found my favorite, as I pulled out one with little pirate ships spread across the fabric. Along with the onesies, there were a few t-shirts and baby jeans for when Edmund got older. I was surprised that someone had thought that far in advance.

I made my way out with Edmund in my arms. The door shut behind me and I surveyed the area outside. When my eyes landed on the camp, I noticed that it was further from where I thought it was.

Examining further, Daryl’s group had built their camp around a small fire pit. The fire pit had several chairs around it and behind the chairs were everyone’s tents.

I noticed quickly that Daryl was nowhere to be seen. I knew that Hershel had let Daryl go back to his tent last night. There was a commotion that happened which had woken up Edmund who was sleeping in my arms.

“I heard that you had quite the adventure a couple days ago,” A woman with a short hair approached me.

“Anyone still alive has had an adventure. I, fortunately, made a few choices which led to a good situation,”

“I guess so. I’m sorry, I forgot to introduce myself. My name’s Carol.”

“Nice to meet you, my name’s (Y/N).” I flashed her a smile, “This little one is Edmund.” I walked closer to the woman to show her the little munchkin.

“Well, hello there Edmund,” Carol turns her attention back to me, “He’s adorable.”

“Thanks,” A smile found its way to my lips.

“I have a little girl,” her lips from a frown for a moment and tears welled in her eyes, “I’m sorry. It’s just that, she’s all alone out there. She got chased by those things.”

My eyes softened. “If I’m not mistaken, Daryl was out there looking for her when I found him.”

“Yes, he’s been dead set on finding my little girl. I have been very appreciative of him. He keeps the hope up.”

“I can tell you that he is dedicated. Even while he was bringing me here, he always looked like he was watching for something. Now I know what. Y’all are lucky to have someone like that.”

“I know. Everyone here has been supportive and always looking for an opportunity to look for her. I just hope that we’ll find her soon. It’s already been a while and I worry.”

“As mother should,” I gave her a soft look. Carol smiled and nodded. “Do you happen to know where I can find Daryl? I wanted to thank him for what he did for me.”

“He’s out there by the crumbled wall,” Carol pointed toward the line of trees.

My eyes moved in the direction that Carol was pointing. As I examined the area, I found a demolished wall. Beside the wall were a fairly sized tent and a small fire pit. While examining the area, I watched as the woman who shot Daryl walked away from his tent.

“Isn’t that the woman who shot Daryl?” I turned to Carol.

“Yes, she must be apologizing to him. She felt awful after she found out she shot the man. Her name is Andrea just so you know. That way you don’t have to go around calling her as ‘the woman who shot Daryl’.” Carol gave me a small smirk.

“Andrea, okay. Well, I think that I’m gonna go visit Daryl. I haven’t had the chance to thank him for saving me and my baby. I’ll talk to you later.” I waved at the woman beside me and she waved back. With that, I walked toward Daryl’s small camp.

I looked down at Edmund, he was being jostled around, yet he still found a way to sleep. His little head was laying on my chest with his fists balled around the neck of my shirt. Tearing up, I realize Edmund wouldn’t have been a thing in my life if Daryl didn’t come into my life.

Once I reached Daryl’s tent, I tapped on the thin door. There was a shuffle. I waited for some sort of acknowledgment. When there was nothing, I spoke up.

“Daryl?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I come in?”

“Yeah”

I attempted to unzip the tent. It wasn’t something easily done since I only had one hand. As I struggled, I’m pretty sure I heard a little snort from the other side of the door. Finally, I got the door opened and I made a quiet gasp.

Daryl was splayed out with his shirt opened. A few buttons were undone which exposed some of his chest. This made an odd sensation grow in my belly. Feeling a warmness spread across my cheeks, I hoped that Daryl figured that it was from the heat.

“Ya just gonna stand there and gawk?”

“Sorry, sorry. I was just making sure you were okay. I saw what you looked like after you were shot. It didn’t look good, Daryl.”

“‘m fine. The bullet jus’ grazed me. How’s the little tyke?” Daryl tried changing the subject.

“Well, it took an hour and a half but the little guy is as healthy as can be. Beth has been helpin’ me take care of the little guy. He’s got himself a pair of lungs.” I smiled as Daryl chuckled at that.

“’s a boy? Ya, name ‘im?”

“Yeah.” My smile broadened, “Daryl, meet Edmund Joseph (Y/L/N).” I sat Eddie down beside Daryl. Edmund looked up at Daryl’s face as he cooed.

“Nice ta meet ya, Lil’ Risk-taker. The name’s, Daryl Dixon,” I made a look. Daryl saw it, “He took a risk deciding to come out at the time he did. Put his mama through a lot.”

There was a little squeal as Eddie examined the ground beneath him. Daryl and you both moved your gaze to him. A few quiet minutes passed. Both of you watched Edmund for a little while. I let my eyes migrate to the man in front of me.

The corners of his mouth were slightly upturned, and his eyes were trained on the baby as he played. There was a warmth to Daryl I hadn’t seen before. Yet, from the way that Beth talked about him, he didn’t seem like the type of guy to spread the love. Daryl must have a soft spot for kids.

“’m thinkin’ ‘bout goin’ back out there soon.” I automatically wanted to oppose the idea, “I’m assumin’ they told ya about Carol’s lil’ girl’.”

“Carol actually told me. Besides that, how can you even want to move around? You just got shot.”

“I have to find her. She’s out there alone. I found her doll. If I jus’ had one more day, I’d have that girl back here ‘n no time!”

“Daryl, calm down. I get that you want to be out there as soon as possible, but you must think rationally. You’re hurt. You need to take a break. I could maybe take someone out to where we were and look in that area-”

“No. You got Lil’ Risk-taker to take care of. You can’t go riskin’ ya life out there. I already feel better and I know the area now. I will be fine moving around.”

“Just because I have Edmund doesn’t mean that I’m going to stay back and watch as y’all risk your lives. I want to contribute to the group.”

“An’ Ya can do that here! Lil’ Risk-Taker don’t need ta lose his momma right after he’s born. Bein’ a kid without ya parents is hard an’ he don’t need that.” As Daryl was talking I couldn’t help but think that he was talking from experience. The thought jerked my heart.

“What would I do then? I don’t even know if y’all want me to stay.” Daryl tried to interrupt, but I kept talking, “I know you guys don’t know me and some of your members look a little territorial-”

“Would ya shut up?” Daryl glared up at me, “Yer a part of the group now. Carol an’ the Grene girls have been talkin’ like ya one of us. I sure as hell ain’t lettin’ ya leave. I’d drag yer ass back here myself. People need groups to survive now an’ now that ya have a baby, ya need us more than ever. So ya ain’t leaving. If ya want to start helping, ya can do it without riskin’ ya life. ‘m sure Carol could use the help and there’s much ta do here at the farm. Maybe you n’ I can go scoutn’ or lookin’ for the girl later.”

I was running my fingers over the floor of the tent as Daryl ranted. When he mentioned about me being a part of the group, I looked up, surprised. I didn’t know What, Carol or anybody else really thought of me. All I knew was there were a few weird looks I got from some of the members. Especially from the man who carried me to the Greene house.

I was also surprised he admitted to going out looking for the girl. I would’ve gone out without his permission, but the fact that he’d want me to go with him was somethin’ else.

“Okay, Lil’ Risk-taker and I are here to stay.” Daryl lit up when I called Edmund by his nickname. “And I’ll take ya up on the offer to go looking for Sophia with you.”

It became oddly quiet. I gazed down toward Edmund. There he was with his arms tucked under him, asleep. Eddie’s mouth was slightly open and his little chest rose and fell every time he took a breath.

“Alright, seeing how he’s ready for nap time, I’ll leave you to get some sleep for yourself.”

“I’m fine. Jus’ waiting for this damn wound to heal up so I can go look for Sophia again.”

“Don’t do anything stupid. I can’t lose the only person who tolerates my presence.” Daryl rolled his eyes as I stood up.

I leaned down to carefully picked up Edmund. Carefully, I stepped out of the tent. Closing the flap behind me, I examined the sight in front of me. Patricia, Beth, and her boyfriend were standing by a truck while talking amongst themselves. At the other end of the camp, a woman and two men were talking heatedly to a kid. I didn’t see where Carol was, so I decided I’d put Edmund in his crib and then go see what was going on.

I slipped into the room that I’ve been using for the past couple of nights. I laid Edmund down. The little guy was out cold, so he didn’t really notice when he left my arms. His eyes were closed and his mouth was still open. The fuzz he had for hair was sticking up in all directions. My heart filled with unconditional love.

Once Edmund was tucked in, I closed the door behind me and walked out towards the camp. As I approached Beth, the woman and two men from before were walking toward us. I looked at Beth with a confused look. She just waved it off.

“Alright, looks like we have someone else joining us.” The man nudged his head towards me. He was standing with his hand on his hips and a smile on his face.

“Um… What exactly are we doing?” I asked.

“We’re going out for shooting lessons. You wanna join?” The man next to the one from before spoke up. I instantly recognize this man as the one who carried me into the Greene’s house.

“I guess I can. Is Carol coming? I’m gonna need someone to look over Edmund.”

“I think she is but I’m pretty sure Dale won't mind looking over your little one.” The first man reasoned.

“Okay, I’ll talk to him before we go,” Suddenly, I blurt out, “I’m sorry! I haven’t introduced myself. I’m (Y/N) (Y/L/N).” I waved at the new group.

“I’m Rick Grimes. This is my wife Lori and that is my partner Shane Walsh.” Rick motioned to the two people beside him. Then the kid from before appeared. “And this is my son Carl. Carl, this is (Y/N).” The kid waved.

“Nice to finally meet y’all. It’s been a while since I had people to talk to. So, sorry if I’m a little awkward.” My shoulders lifted and my lips formed into a small smile.

“How long were you out there alone?” Everyone looked like they were genuinely interested to hear my answer.

“Uh, I don’t know. The only person who was with me was my boyfriend. But he died a month after the world ended.”

“You poor thing! you were alone for most of it!” Lori was looking at me with her brows knitted. Suddenly, she was walking to where I stood and was wrapping her arms around me. “I can’t imagine being out there, alone for that long. How did you do it? Especially while pregnant?”

There was something in Lori’s eyes. It was like she wasn’t just asking out of curiosity, but almost for herself. There was obviously something going on there. I’d have to ask Carol or Daryl if they knew anything about it.

“I just survived. I found whatever I could and kept walking. I lived all the way back in Iowa. So, I got pretty far. Though honestly, until Daryl came, I thought that I would die while in childbirth.” There were a few pitying looks aimed in my direction.

“Well, we're glad you made it. And your welcome to stay here with us. Nowadays, you need other people to live.” Rick motioned with his hands as he talked.

“Daryl told me the same thing. And I have decided that I’m staying,” I chuckled a little, “Daryl even said he’d drag me back if I attempted to leave.” Everyone chuckled at the thought.

After that talk, Rick went over the plan with me. It sounded like stuff I had already learned on my own, but I figured that the practice wasn’t a bad idea. Plus, it might be a little different since I’m not nine months pregnant anymore.

Before we went off, I introduced my self to Dale and asked if he would watch over Edmund for me. I didn’t want to assume that he would watch over him.

“Hey, Dale right?”

“Yes, ma'am. You’re (Y/N)?”, He must have seen the confusion written on my face as he reassured me, “I talked to Daryl and he told the group about how you two met. Pretty interesting story if ya ask me.”

“Oh, yeah. He would have been walkers lunch had I not walked in when I did.” Dale nodded his head, “I was wondering, Rick wants me to go with the group to the shooting range-”

“I’ll watch over the little one. He’ll be safe here.” I was surprised by his sudden comment.

“Thank you. I know y’all don’t know me much, but I appreciate everything that you’ve done, and what you are doing for me and my son.”

“It’s no problem. Babies are cute and it beats havin’ to sit in the sun all day.” I smiled at the older man.

I left Dale to do what he was doing before and walked toward the others. Everyone except Rick and Shane was ready. The two men were fussing over a bag of guns. One would pull a gun out and the other would put it back in. They would argue a little more and the process would repeat itself. I giggled as I reached Carol’s side.

“Do you have any idea what they’re doing?” I whispered in Carol’s ear.

“They’re trying to decide which guns to take with us. It’s hilarious to watch.” I giggled at Carol’s last comment. She turned to look at me. “How was the talk with Daryl?”

“It went fine. He got to see Edmund for the first time. It’s funny, he even gave Eddie a nickname, Lil’ Risk-Taker,” Carol snorted, “What? I think it’s cute.” I eyed Carol. She was smirking.

“Looks like there are a few more things you think are cute coming from that man,” I felt my cheeks heat up.

“Oh, shut up! Things aren’t that way between us! We just met.” I hurriedly tried to explain myself.

“I was just teasing. I didn’t imply anything but your reaction did give away a few things.” I just rolled my eyes. Keeping my mouth shut was probably the best idea at that moment.

“Hey, do you know anything that’s going on with Lori? I know I don’t really know her, but she seemed a bit off.”

“Not that I know of. Now that you mention it, she has been a little weird, but it’s probably just emotions. She’s only had her husband back for a month or two.” I just nodded. That would make a little sense.

“Alright, I think we’re ready to go,” Rick spoke up as he stopped in front of the group. He beckoned us to move towards the cars. Walking towards the cars, I noticed that Shane already at the cars with the bag of guns slung over his back.

Carol, Beth, and Patricia followed me into a car. In the car next to us, Shane and Andrea rode together while behind us, Rick, Lori, Carl, and Beth’s boyfriend rode in another car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We had stopped and Rick and Shane told us that we’d be walking the rest of the way. Thankfully, it didn’t take too long. The area we stopped at was a wide opening in the forest. There was a fence that happened to be connected to a neighbor of the Greene’s.

I watched as Shane and Rick set up our targets. The targets were just cans set on the fence posts. We all moved closer to the area. When Rick was ready, he went over the basics.

“Alright, This here is the safety. You’re gonna want ta switch it if any of you want to even begin to shoot. Now, from there it sounds pretty easy, but is probably one of the hardest things you encounter when tryin’ ta shoot.” As Rick talked, Shane was nodding beside him.

“I remember when I was shootin’ for the firs’ time and it took a lot out of me. I was a stubborn son of a bitch and I was there practicin’ for what felt like days. I would wake up and go practicing. My advisors had to drag me out of the range, just to get me to finish my other responsibilities.” Shane was here, talking, but he was somewhere far away in his head.

“I remember you almost knocked someone out tryin’ to stop them. You were so determined then. Not that you aren’t now. It’s just the situation is different.” Rick was smiling at his partner as he recollected his memories.

“I got in so much trouble. I dragged you into everything too.” Shane had a smile on his face until he looked at Lori.

I watched as the smile on Shane’s face fell. Lori and Shane didn’t vocalize anything, but there was something in their eyes. Yep, there was definitely something going on between those two.

Soon, the men started handing out guns to everyone. When they got to me, they both smirked. Shane started to riffle through the gun bag. The looks they gave me, it was like they were the hunters and I was the prey.

“We saw that you were carrying a shotgun with you when you came to us. We figured you wouldn’t need any beginners training. So we’re gonna let you give this a try.” When Rick had finished talking, Shane walked up to me holding what looked like a hunting rifle.

“Oh my. I don’t know… The only things I’ve shot with are a handgun and my shotgun. You really sure about this?”

“We’re sure. From what we gathered from Daryl, you know how to carry something of this size. Plus, We’ll be there to help ya out if ya need it.”

“Okay, I guess I’ll try it out. One question. If I get good enough, can I join the watch list? I’d be nice to contribute.”

“Sure, I’m pretty sure once Shane has taught you that you’d be more than fit to join.” Rick looked at his best friend and smiled.

“Cool. Now, is there anything, besides basic knowledge, that I need to know before firing this thing?” I glanced toward the men while raising the rifle.

“You fired a shotgun, right?” I nodded, “Then you’re good. This bad boy is gonna have a lighter kick than your shotgun. And I’m pretty sure ya know how to aim down ya sights. You’re good.”

“Alright, so Where am I going and what am I aiming for?” With that question, Rick motioned for Shane to take me to where I’d be shooting from.

“Now, you gonna want to aim for that branch all the way over there. I made sure to put a can on top of it. Can ya see it?”

Getting into position, I looked into my scope. Sure enough, there was the can. “I see the can. Do ya want me to go ahead and fire?”

“Yep. Just aline the scope with the can and squeeze the trigger.” I followed Shane’s instructions.

As I squeezed the trigger, the bullet went zipping through the clearing. Looking back into the scope, I found that I missed he can. There was the tiniest hole stuck into the branch just below the can. The can stood proudly on top of the brach. It was like it was mocking me. I’ll show you can.

“Not bad. Okay, now pull back the bolt to reload.”

I followed Shane’s instructions again and got back into my position. I took a big breath in. While I breathed out, I squeezed the trigger and sent another bullet flying. As soon as the bullet was shot, I was looking in the scope. I watch just in time to see the can fly off the branch and hit the ground.

I move back and jumped up and down is excitement. I was whooping as well. When I looked at everybody else, I saw they were cheering along. Without thinking, I pulled Shane into an elated hug. When I pulled back I blushed and apologized.

“No problem girlie. It’s an exciting moment for you.” Shane flashed a smile at me. I gave him a smile back and headed to talk to Carol who looked like she wanted to squeeze the life out of me.

~~~~~~~~~

We were riding back to the farm. I was pretty pleased with what I had accomplished. Shane said that if we had a few more practices, then I could be put on the watch list. I’d officially have a job. He also said that he and Rick would introduce Their scavenging friend to me.

I was squished in between Carol and Carl this time. I expected the car ride to be a quiet one, but I was mistaken.

“I’m so bored! Why did we have to go out so far?” Carl was sitting to my right with a scrunched up face.

“Because. We don’t want the noise to attract any walkers and draw them to the camp.” Rick was eyeing Carl from the rear-view mirror.

“Is there any way we can get home any quicker? Or a way to make the time go by quicker?”

Rick was about to speak, but before he could, I voiced my opinion. “Of course there is!” Rick looked at me confused. “Gimme something that starts with the letter A.”

Carl thought for a second. “Can it be an animal?” He asked looking up at me.

“Sure,” I answered back with a shrug.

“Okay, how about an armadillo?”

“Awesome! So, I’m going to the Zoo-”

“Oh! I know this game!” Carl’s face brightened up.

“Sweet! Do you wanna start or do you want me to?”

“I’ll go since I chose the animal.”

“I’m going to the Zoo and I’m bringing an armadillo.”

We got through the entire alphabet. By the time we had reached Z, all the adults were tired of our voices and wanted to get home as soon as possible. We reached the house with a happy Carl and an annoyed group of adults. I was content because I made Carl happy. I did this all the time with the children I worked with. That was when I was in my college education class.

When I clambered out of the vehicle, Shane was by my side and Rick was walking over here with an Asian man beside him. He was slightly shorter than Rick. There was a baseball cap on his head which made him look a lot younger.

“(Y/N), meet Glenn.” I smiled and held out my hand for him to shake.

“Hi, nice to meet you” I watched as Glenn shook my hand. Once he let go, I let my hand fall.

“Nice to meet you too. I hear you’re a good scavenger, me too.” He smiled, “It’s nice to have someone else. I’m always the one to be asked to go out. At least this time we can take turns risking our lives. Not that you should with the baby and all.”

I chuckled as Glenn rambled. He scratched the back of his head. While Glenn and I were talking, Rick and Shane must have walked off because neither of them were with us.

“Don’t sweat it. I’m not just gonna sit around and do nothing because I’m a mom now. I want to help you guys out and if it’s going out there to scavenge, then that’s what I’ll do. Plus, I got pretty good at it back when it was just me. I know how not to get killed.” Glenn relaxed once I finished talking.

As we talked, someone eventually called for Glenn and we went our separate ways. It was at this time I decided that I should go check on Edward and then thank Dale, once more for his kindness.

I entered the room where I left Eddie and I found that he was awake. His attention seemed to be drawn by a little mobile hanging above his crib. I frowned. I didn’t remember it being there before I left.

Upon closer inspection, I recognized a few things attached to it. There was a little wooden arrow, a bow, and a few feathers. They were all tied to a metal band which hung from the ceiling. Looking at the embellishments, I knew that it must’ve come from Daryl. As it spun, I notice a small block of wood that had something carved into it. It was the nickname Daryl gave Eddie. Lil’ Risk-Taker.

~~~~~~~~~

It was the next morning and I was sitting with the camp. Eddie was sitting on my lap. He was as happy as could be as he looked around him

I was handed a plate of eggs and some meat by Carol. I smiled at her and she gave me a smile back. I dug into my food and happily chewed my fluffy eggs. The texture wasn't like normal eggs, but hey, it’s the zombie apocalypse. What can you expect?

Suddenly, Daryl sat next to me. He had a bit of a struggle as he tried to avoid opening his stitches. Also, he had one less hand because he was carrying a plate of food. I quickly placed my plate on the group to help him.

“Here let me help.” I took his plate as he eased himself into the fold up chair.

“Thanks.” Daryl took his plate from me.

“No problem. You’ve got stitches. It’s the least I could do.” The only response I got was a grunt.

With that, I examined the camp. I haven’t been out here much so I was looking at everyone’s living situations. There were tents everywhere and clothesline hanging from the trees. There were a few chairs surrounding the fire which Carol was currently cooking breakfast.

I noticed that each family had grouped together. Or Rick, Lori, and Carl were all together. Shane was standing next to them, Andrea was sharpening her knife, and Dale stood at the edge of the camp. I noticed that T-Dog was beside Carol, helping her cook. Glenn was gazing at Maggie who was standing on her porch.

When I looked at Maggie, I saw that she was shaking her head at Glenn. What was that all about? When I looked back at Glenn, I saw he had stopped googling at Maggie and had is eyes on Dale. Dale was nodding his head. Did everyone know something I didn’t?

I was going to ask Daryl if he knew anything, but before I could, Glenn shot up and moved to stand in front of the camp.

“Uh… Um. Guys. So,” There was a long pause and Glenn looked around nervously. “The barn’s full of walkers.”

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