#if i simply collapse then the tiredness can't get to me

[theelectricalcity]

most of the people in the system: *can't deal with our chronic fatigue for more than an hour at it's worst*

my co-host: *chronic fatigue holder and just always tired*

me: *just kinda deals with most of our issues*

both of us: *on our way to barely hold it together, but just enough that we're a mostly functional person*

[argumentl]

Kaoru Interview - Burrn! Japan Vol.23 (Feb 2024)

Interview by You Masuda

FAN TRANSLATION

(Note: This interview was held mid-way through the Phalaris Final tour)

The next person to interview was Kaoru, straight after Die. When I asked Kyo about new material going forward, he simply said, 'Ask Kaoru about that', but to be sure, if there is any member creating the blueprints for future new material, there is no doubt that its Kaoru. Of course, I'm aware that its slightly too soon to be asking such things, but I started the interview hoping to at least pick up a few hints.

ーYou are currently mid-tour, but after finishing both days at Zepp Haneda, how are you feeling about it?

Hmm. Its quite.....exhausting (lol). It consumes a lot of energy, much more than we usually use for live shows. Phalaris has a lot of power packed into it, and you really feel it bearing down on you. I'm not even trying to be that active on stage, but still....its tiring (lol)

ーBy that you mean its something different from physical tiredness?

Yeah, the tone, the content of the show, there is a heaviness to it, its something that you just can't approach half-heartedly.

ーKyo said that the songs are all hard work to sing this time. As for performing, there seems to be a lot of songs that you just can't relax through.

Yeah, its the same when playing. It really questions the type of person who is stood there playing on stage...this isnt the type of stage I can just stand around carelessly on. I mean, not that I'm like that anyway (lol). But there is something about it where I just can't express myself unless I fully throw myself into that world. It feels like a heavy weight crashing down on me for this tour.

ーThis is the third tour in the Phalaris cycle, but I get the feeling the first two rounds were not as heavy as this?

They weren't. The first round was quite tasteful, and in the second round we emphasised the 'live' element of it more, it was like a lighter version. If its too heavy from the beginning, its kinda tough on the audience too.

ーWould you say this is an album with such a heaviness that it requires this kind of considered moderation?

Yeah, but we did think we need to moderate this tour too. If for example, we were to do a single limited live show in a big venue to close Phalaris, that would be even more intense. In the shape of a tour, there are times when we are reaching our absolute limits. Thats how tough it is (lol) It didn't seem right unless each show of the tour encompassed that sense of weight and culmination.

ーIn other words you are almost right at your tipping point?

Yes. If we were to increase the intensity further, there is no doubt that the shows would collapse into chaos...which may be ok in some sense, but then we would be unable to continue touring properly.

ーYou touched on this earlier, but don't you have any plans to do a seperate finale for Phalaris in a big venue at any point?

No, we aren't thinking about that, not for now at least. It doesn't mean there is a zero percent chance, but recently there just isnt the venue availability for that kind of thing. This has been going on for a few years now. If we had been able to find a big venue before announcing the tour, then this tour wouldn't have been seen as the 'Final'. So in a sense, ending Phalaris in this way is very rooted in actuality. It probably still would have been this heavy though, even if it wasn't labeled as the final.

ーFor Uroboros, you held a finale live in Osaka jo Hall after a bit of time had passed. Is there no possibility of such a thing happening for Phalaris?

Well, I don't know. Its a timing issue. If we found the perfect venue at the perfect time, and if we were all mentally in that space....I mean, it will be easier to know as time passes, but if we are mentally for it, there may be a possibility.

ーYour answer has raised my expectations somewhat, but I'm not going to get too carried away for the time being. Have you discovered any new feelings towards this album during the current tour?

Hmm....I've been thinking its a good album (lol)

ーIts not like you to sing your own praises (lol)

Well, I mean, after this, if we realease a new single, there will probably be Phalaris-like elements to it, but even putting that to one side, so many of our past songs just fit really well alongside Phalaris. So I think we have been very true to ourselves with this album. Although it sounds a bit odd for me to say that myself (lol). I'm not entirely sure about the overall balance of the album as a piece of work, but it fits so well with our other songs, there is a mysterious feel to it.

ーFitting with your other songs may have something to do with it, but at the time you completed the album, you also said that it contains every part of Dir en grey. I'm sure you werent consciously thinking that while you were making it though.

No, I think I was at times. Of course, this isn't the end for us, but I was thinking that IF the band were to end now, I would want this to be seen as our best work. So as for consciously putting all of Dir en grey into it, no, I don't think thats wrong.

ーMaking the album with that much conscious effort means its not all new. There are links to the past, as well as that link to pull you forward onto your next step.

Yeah, and I've been feeling this even more so on the current tour. That's why I've been thinking this is a good album (lol)

ーI love hearing this kind of thing from the artists themselves. Hearing about the songs fitting well reminded me...With all these songs from Phalaris in the setlist, certain other songs might also come to mind, but to hear songs like Different Sense and Downfall in there, its like they were meant to be. That may be an odd way to describe it...

Heh, I understand. They wouldn't be out of place even if they were on Phalaris. We didn't choose to include specific types of songs while we were making it, but if you search through our past music there are some things that do just roll into place. Its probably going too far to say I was realising this when completing the album, but I feel like I can see Phalaris more clearly now. With this tour, I really do feel that sense of completion.

ーThat may be what a sense of completion actually means. You finally reach that point after realising for yourself what the flow of your past work has created.

Yes.

ーIn that sense, I think this is a very interesting outcome. But with such an intensity to the show from the outset, there is the possibilty of the audience being left behind at somepoint, if you don't get it exactly right.

Hm, I wonder. Some people might have felt that way about Phalaris 2, but this is just us being us. Its just not blowing up with excitement at the end this time, its kind of a different feeling from what we've done previously. The heaviness of the mid-section of the show is due to us being thorough, but I don't feel like its exceptional (lol)

ーAs you just said about the end of the show, closing with Kamuy is a bit different from the feeling we usually get at the end. Did you choose to play this song last, in line with bringing Phalaris to a close?

Well, it was also the first tour to play Kamuy. If we had played it at previous tours, it might have ended up in a different spot in the setlist. But for sure, to play it for the first time at the final, it could go in no other spot. Even if we were to do a seperate final in a big venue, I think it would still come at the end of the encore, not the end of the main.

ーEnding the live with the disquieting tone of Kamuy in the air, then raising the lights and bidding farewell to the audience...even with this familiar parting scene, its quite different from past tours.

With that we simply just want to say thank you to the people who came. Its a way to express thanks at the end of each show. We could just disappear off stage after Kamuy if we wanted to, but as I was saying before about 'the type of person who is stood on the stage', I want to keep this time that I have to express my thanks to the peole who come to see us. I mean, the 5 of us could all gather together in the centre for a farewell or something too, but that kind of structure somehow doesn't seem very 'us' (lol)

ー Yeah, lets save that for another occasion (lol) By the way, it must have been a difficult transition to go from finishing this phase of Phalaris, to confronting the new single 19990120.

Well, it wasnt easy. We did the 25th anniversary tour last year, so from there it was like, 'Should we do some old stuff?'. We would usually be looking at doing new material at this kinda time, but we talked about it, and what with covid and such, we thought there might be a few people out there who hadn't been to see a live show for a while. So we thought we could use some kind of tool to get more people coming back as we move forward. Not in the sense of making an album of self covers or anything, but since the 25th anniversary of our debut is in Jan 2024, we thought we might as well try something. We just wanna try out what we can, because of course there is always loads that we can't.

ーYeah. Self covers or remakes can give the impression of being backwards looking, but as we talked about how past songs have fit so well in the current tour and helped you realise how far you've come, it could be said that looking afresh at these songs from 25 years ago might be the link to future discoveries.

Whether or not this links to new things is hard to tell untill we do it, that wasn't really in my mind. But for now its more like a tool to stir up the 'Lets go and see Dir en grey again' feeling. I can say this, back in the day there were a lot of so-called heavy bands I used to go and see. I admired them and started my own band, I'm that kind of person too (lol) But I think a lot of people like that eventually start to think 'Ah, I havnt listened to that kind of music for a while', they even stop listening to music at all sometimes. Or if they do listen, its the same stuff they listened to back in the day. I wanted to strike a chord with those kind of people and get them thinking about coming to see a show. As well as letting them connect with Phalaris, its just a good starting point to get back in. So these new remakes are part of a plan, as opposed to something we just really wanted to do.

ーDir en grey have rerecored old songs in the past, but those past remakes have been more about updating old songs to match the contemporary sound of the band. Was there no such intention this time?

Its not like there was NO intention, of course, we wanted to put some of our current selves into them while making them. But we didn't want to change them outright. So in that sense, they are different from our past remakes.

ー Without trying to make any big intentional changes, you wanted the natural differences between then and now to shine through?

Yeah, that kind of thing. I think in that sense, we achieved our aim.

ー I see. I actually dug up an old interview from 25 years ago, and have been re-reading it. In it you were speaking about the background to each song and such, but Kaoru, how did you feel back then about releasing 3 songs at once for your major debut?

I though it was a great talking point, but it was hard work (lol) We had first talked about releasing two songs. So we went to LA with this idea and got to work in the studio, but then it somehow got suggested to do three songs. I honestly didn't even know how we were gonna get even two songs recorded, so I was rather skeptical that we could manage three. (lol)

ーWhat song was number 3?

That was Yurameki. We had started pre-production on all three at first, and sent them to Yoshiki. After that we chose the diametrically opposed Zan and Akuro no oka as the two songs to record. But when we went to LA, it was like, 'Ok, lets just do all three'.

ーI can hear the voice of your producer when you say that (lol). Back then, it wasn't that unusual for two songs to be released as a single at once in this category, but three had a big impact. What kind of things made a big impression on your memory back then?

Firstly, there were a lot of people around. Also, it was non-stop photoshoots and interviews. I was always writing music within this kind of bustling situation. It was really easy to lose focus of where we were heading with it all, so I tried to keep a tight hold on only that. But there were still a lot of days where I just had no idea what I was supposed to be doing.

ーYou were having like, 10 interviews at day, right? Wasn't it a bit like those artists who come to Japan for promotion, but like every day?

Yeah, even for photoshoots we would have 3 different studios booked, going here, going there, interviews in between, every time.

ーI'd like to ask about the three songs. On the new release, Yurameki is song number one. Was there any meaning behind recording them in this order?

After finishing the arangements, when we were starting the recording stage, we thought this order would be good based on how the song starts and ends. Its only for this reason.

ーI was going to ask more about the song order, but as for Yurameki, it was a bit of a curve ball for Dir en grey back in the day, wasn't it?

No, not really. We had melodious songs even then, I didn't think it was that much of a curve ball. Its Shinya's song, but he had been writIng songs during the indies era too. It was a recognition of our Shinya-esque songs.

ーAt the time, you said, 'Its a pop song, but we wanted to change up the style'. Does that mean you thought a lot about how to put it out there?

In the end, if we kept it ordinary, it would end up sounding like a totally ordinary song. I actually paid a lot of attention to parts that you wouldn't notice even if you listened to the song (lol). For example, the chord work. Yoshiki would tell me to do impossible things like, 'How about we try this?'

ーWhat do you mean by 'impossible'?

To put it simply, impossible chords and stuff. (lol) But he would say, 'Its only for the recording, so its ok, right?' So we changed our plans, and recorded all the chords one string at a time, then layered them up to make the sound. Not like playing every string simultaneously, but recording phrases one string at a time. So in the end the texture of the sound came out with more of a bang. I was spending a lot of time on those parts that no-one would probably notice.

ーIn other words, you deconstructed the song during recording.

Yes, I took advantage of the fact that they were chords that couldn't be played normally, and recorded them in a way which was unique to the studio.

ーI see. And about the songs Akuro no Oka and Zan, Yoshiki's opposite comments about both songs are in this old article. You said that for the former, he said he was concerned about the collision of sounds, and for the latter, he said 'I don't care about the collision of sounds'.

Heh, that sounds about right.

ー The collision of sounds. These are words I sometimes hear. In short, its where sounds are mixing at a place and a time where they shouldn't, right?

Yes. Maybe its because I'm a guitarist, but I tend to like adding more and more sounds and layering them up. I would suggest something like, 'I want to add this kind of phrase here', and Yoshiki would say, 'No, that gets in the way of the other sounds, change it'. So I would add something different, and he would say, 'No, thats no good either. Do you really need to add something here?'. For me it was like, 'well, I may not need to, but I want to'. It might be a guitarist thing. I say this, because Yoshiki did tell me, 'HIDE was like that, always wanting to add extra stuff in'. (lol)

ーIt must have sent shivers down your spine to hear that. In addition to this, you also said about Akuro no oka, that 'Including the guitar solo, the developments in this song are really satisfying to play'. Is it these chord progressions and such that feel pleasant to guitarists as a rule?

That is part of it. I've always felt comfortable playing this song. But when we were doing the remake, I did wonder whether I should try to go even further with it. Like, could I make it feel even more satisfying? I did actually try it, but it ended up feeling so good, it didn't line up with the original song anymore (lol). So I gave that up. It wasn't Akuro no oka anymore, it had a kind of palacial feel to it. I thought this wouldn't work (lol)

ーI feel like I also want to hear the palacial version, but we do need to preserve the foundations of the song, right? (lol) Okay, so next, the complete opposite of Akuro no oka, Zan. The song itself had been around from the beginning, and it seems like it went through many minor changes to get to where it was?

Well, because we had played it a bit live. But originally, we made it in the studio with me just telling everyone stuff like, 'Im gonna play this part like this, so you play the drums like this' etc etc. And then for the CD release, I actually remade the arrangement, so we could do it properly.

ーGenerally speaking, this is the least fitting of the three songs to be a single. Did you ever question or doubt putting this out as a single?

No, I definitely wanted to release it. So much so as to even say 'I want Zan as the first song' (lol). But it would be tough with only Zan, so thats how we came around to the idea of releasing two songs. Like, 'It has impact, but we need something with a different feel to it too'.

ーI see. It might have been a lot different if not for this decision. The three songs were recorded at the studio 'ONE ON ONE' in LA. (Note: This later became 'EXTASY STUDIO' when Yoshiki bought it, and is now in the hands of a different owner under the name '17 HERZ STUDIO'). This place was well-known for being used by Metallica, but how was it, recording overseas so suddenly?

Well, it was super luxurious. I've never had such a cushty recording experience since (lol)

ーDid you feel like, 'We made it!'?

No, I didn't. Not that long before that I had being doing home recordings, or usIng super tiny studios etc up until our indies era. So no, even being placed in that situation didn't make me feel like we'd made it. It was more like, 'Okay, what do we do now?' (lol) Being in that unfamiliar environment, there was a lot of pressure to make something lasting. We had unlimited use of equipment, but at that stage in our growth, we had limited knowledge, and undeveloped ears. So even if we heard something, we were unable to tell whether or not it really sounded good. It was me, who listened to nothing but heavy music, being told, 'Maybe this sounds better?', but then just responding, ' Nah, I just wanna make it sound more distorted'(lol) I only ever had this kind of exchange back then. But of course, my knowledge, brain, and ears were not fit for that environment. It was a bit of a waste in some sense. But it could be quite interesting if we were to do that kind of thing now. I didnt understand how the sound of a studio works back then, but if it was now, as well as having understanding, I would be able to really experiment with different things. I'd understand about mic positioning, about creating ambience, and all sorts. But back then I knew nothing. (lol)

ー Its seems almost pointless to be in that environment with such a lack of understanding and appreciation, but I think the experience itself probably meant a great deal to you, right?

Yes. I learned the importance of taking time to make something. Looking at a song from different angles, trying to dig into it in different ways. Before that things were never really much deeper than, 'Ok guys, lets make something'. I learned how to put great care into my work for the duration.

ーIts a very valuable thing to learn early on that its not all easy. Ok, so in January you will hold the FC limited live shows in Kawasaki and Osaka. You'll be in 25th debut anniversary mode in mid-Jan, right?

Well, yeah. And after that is the European tour, which will be a bit different from a regular tour. And the after that, a domestic tour entitled PSYCHONNECT. This time its 25 years since Gauze (lol).

ーIt's one anniversary after another, right?

Yeah (lol) The timing was just right to fit a tour in this Spring, and when we talked about what kind of thing to do, a Gauze themed hall tour was suggested.

ーJust to make things clear, this doesn't mean you are going to re-record the whole of Gauze, does it?

No no no (lol). If we did that people would be like, 'Enough of this already, record some new material!' (lol)

ーOf course. But at same time, I'm still kinda curious about hearing something like that.

Even if we were to do that, now isn't the time for it. People would end up thinking, 'What, are you gonna rerecord your entire catalogue??' (lol) That wouldn't be much fun.

ーYeah, interest would drop if it was nothing but rewriting history.

If I was a fan, I'd probably be thinking, 'Is this all they're doing from now on?'

ーRight. The thing we are really all waiting for is some new material after fully digesting Phalaris. Have you begun anything in that direction?

Nope, not yet (lol). I don't even know whether its ok to say this, but I haven't started yet. But actually, I was thinking about getting started today (lol).

ーYou might start writing new music straight after this interview?

Yeah, the interview just came into my schedule at exactly this time.

ーI can't wait to hear what you come up with. When I interviewed you just after the completion of Phalaris, you said that with no regular touring during covid, it had been difficult to communicate and exchange ideas with the other members. Does this mean that normality has returned to the bands' interactions. Are you able to make new music whilst interating with the other members on tour again?

Yes, we had already got back to a sense of normality by the tour before this. but now we are actually discussing next moves and stuff, and we are ready to get started. Straight after this interview, to be exact (lol).

ーLet me ask you one more thing. We touched earlier on the European tour which will be held in March. Its the first overseas tour to have past albums as a theme. What were you thinking about when deciding this?

We had originally talked about doing it in 2022 as part of the 25th anniversary run. But with the pandemic, and also trying to balance it out with the Phalaris tour, we were unable to make it happen then, so we slided it over to 2024 just as it was. People might be wondering why we are doing it at this time, but we had planned to do it from before, and now we just finally have the chance to.

ーWould you like to return to overseas touring as it used to happen previously?

Well, yeah, but its not easy. The reality is a lot different now than how it used to be. Its really not as simple as to just say, 'Let's go' now. In this case, we managed to make it work by seeing if we could do it at this particular time, but I can't be sure about future overseas tours. So to the fans in Europe, I want them to come and see us this time. Don't wait for next tme.

ーIts really interesting that the themes for this European tour are Uroboros and Withering to death. Your first ever tour of Europe was with Withering to death. These two albums have been influential in Dir en grey's overseas activities.

Yeah, we were overseas the most with those albums, and with The Marrow Of A Bone. I had thought about digging a little deeper, era-wise. Like maybe taking Vulgar overseas or something. Maybe if we have a chance in the future.

ー There are still many paths open to you. What about a Gauze world tour?

Heh, that would require a lot of motivation (lol) It would be impossible otherwise (lol)

ーWhether or not you ever manage that, there are still a lot of other things you need to do, and things you can do. I'm looking forward to seeing what kind of year 2024 is for you.

Thank you. Hopefully it won't be long before we have something new to put out.

[foolish-clown]

Stolen Moments

A/N: Okay so I know that I've been neglecting my requests for a while now, but the problem I have is that I can't pick and choose what I want to write, otherwise I will get nothing done.

I will get to them... eventually, but there is a reason as to why I never schedule things ;-;

Warnings: None

Word Count: 1k

Even with the sweat dripping from your skin, strands of hair clinging to your forehead, she would look at you like you were the most beautiful thing on this world. You were never meant to fall in love, especially not this hard or fast, but all it took was for Yoo Karina to catch your eye and it all came crumbling down.

Idol!Karina x Backup-Dancer!Reader

One, two, three, four.

Each clap felt like a tug at your muscles -- limbs flexing, extending, and twirling with such ease.

Hours spent grueling over each movement, every maneuver, meant that you didn’t even have to think about it anymore. Your body simply knew what was to come next, twisting into the correct position without a second thought.

It felt exhilarating when everything came together, when all of the hard work everyone had put in brought forth the fruits of their labor.

You hadn’t expected to enjoy this job so much when you first signed up, but now you can’t imagine doing anything else.

And it helps that you got along with everyone, at least to some degree.

Some more than others.

Once the signal for a break had been called you rushed over to your water bottle -- thankfully still somewhat chilled, and took a few large gulps before placing the side of it against your neck.

You couldn’t stop the relieved sigh as you did so, leaning your back against the wall and sliding down until your butt makes a painful thud against the hard flooring.

Giggles resonate within the room, and you hum in amusement when Winter’s high-pitched whine echoes shortly after.

You flicker your eyes toward the commotion, watching as the four idols in the room fill the space with playful jabs and inside jokes; some of which you know the context of.

The smile that flickers against your features is innate, eyes curving alongside your lips as you observe the scene laid out before you. Laughter pulling at your chest when some of the other backup dancers join in with the intent to drag more reactions out of the short-haired woman.

She pulls another face, and it is almost enough to hold your focus before your attention is caught and held by another.

Karina eyes you from her position beside her friend, and you’re left swallowing the butterflies back into your stomach when her smile filters into something softer, something only you are privy to even in a room filled with others.  

Even with the ache in your limbs and the tiredness in your mind, if Karina had asked you to join her you would have. The desire to be close will always outweigh everything else.

She goes to open her mouth, and you wait patiently for her words, but someone is clapping their hands before anything more can be done.

Time to get back to work.

- - - - - - - - - - ☆ - - - - - - - - - -  

Hours come and go, and by the end you can’t even hide the shake in your legs as you pack your things back into your bag.

Usually, you would have already taken a shower, washing away both the sweat and the ache, but the late hour against the clock has you wanting to go home and collapse onto the softness of your bed.

It doesn’t help that you are the last one to leave, every movement you make echoing within the empty room.

“You’re still here?”

The sudden voice has the muscles in your back jolting, unsteady legs causing you to fall backward as you snap your wide eyes to the door.

Karina’s eyes are filled with mirth at your blunder, and the hand she shoots to her mouth isn’t enough to muffle the laughs that erupt from her lips.

With a stuttered breath you place a hand against your chest, shooting her a look that held no malice, “you almost gave me a heart attack.”

She removes her hand away from her mouth at your words, but the smile on her face does little to calm your over-excited heart.

Her footsteps seem muffled as she approaches, reaching a hand out for you once she’s close enough. “Are you saying that I don’t make your heart race anyway?”

A scoff tears itself past your lips in a futile attempt to diverge attention from the blush on your cheeks, but the knowing look in her eyes calls out your bluff with relative ease.

Still, you’re glad that she is here, because having a comeback means time together away from work are few and fleeting.

You allow her to get you up from the floor, but the moment you’re back standing your hands are on her shoulders to help you stabilize – it would seem the muscles in your legs have already fallen into slumber when you had fallen over.

Her grip falls to your sides when she notices your struggle, and you fail to notice the concern in her eyes since your gaze has dropped to the floor.

“You okay?”

Her words are comforting when they wash over you, and you give yourself another moment until answering.

“Yeah,” you whisper out, only just remembering how tired you actually were, “yeah I’m good. Just need some rest.”

A shiver slithers up your spine when her thumbs unconsciously rub along your ribcage, and even though you no longer need her to keep you from falling you pull yourself closer to her warmth.

Her arms encircle your frame as you approach, and you groan out your fatigue into her shoulder.

The chuckle she presses against the side of your head is decisively wicked, her lips stretched into a smile before she places a tender kiss against your skin.

You don’t even consider it an overreaction when the thought of falling asleep right now flickers through your mind, but you know you’ll never get her on board with such a ludicrous idea.

“Come on,” she breathes out, and it’s almost as if she’s reading your mind when she adds, “you can’t fall asleep here, especially since there is a nice soft bed with your name on it.”

Another groan forces itself from somewhere deep, but you otherwise do as asked when you hesitantly pull away.

The smile on her lips is very reminiscent of the one she shot you earlier, but it is quickly robbed from your sight when she leans in, placing a delicate kiss against your forehead, both of your eyelids, your nose, before covering your own.

The kiss is short, but as with any you shared it still held enough impact over your heart and mind to be engraved into your memory for safekeeping.

“Now,” she grins, pulling away so she can take one of your hands instead, “let’s get you home.”

[watercolor-hearts]

heyyyy!!!

since i loved you stories so much (if you couldn’t tell lol) i decided to promt you something this time!!!

i would love "I made this for you." for simi!!!

much love <3333333

Hi dear ❤

Aww, you're so nice I can't thank you enough for your support. ❤ Thank you for sending me this prompt, I really hoped someone would send me one because I really enjoy writing these little stories. Since this prompt was from the depression-related prompt list, it's important to mention that this story deals with major depression, malnutrition, collapsing, and character peeing themselves (once) because of not having energy to get out of bed (this is not a fetish/kink thing here, it's a serious side-effect of the depression in the case of this character). This story is not a fluffy one. This is angst. (It has fluff at the end though.) If you, dear prompter, are not okay with reading this story because of the topics mentioned above, don't hesitate to tell me because then I'll write you something fluffy instead. (I won't make a problem out of it. I can understand if it's not for you.)

Mental health is important so mind the red sentence above and the keywords below, guys. Take care. ❤

“I made this for you.” • Seb/Kimi • 1747 words • depression • malnutrition and eating difficulties • angst • hurt without comfort • Kimi doesn't judge, he just tries hard to take care of Seb when Seb doesn't let him • long hospital stay • mentions of therapy • happy end • Ao3 link

-

Sebastian didn't plan it to be like this. He didn't plan his retirement to be about always being at home, not wanting to get out of bed and not having any motivation. He wanted to take up hobbies and work on environment-related things but then... Things changed.

He didn't want to get out of bed. When he did get out of bed, he didn't want to go out. He just wanted to go back to bed. He felt tired. He couldn't sleep because it wasn't physical tiredness. It was mental. He just wanted to lay there and... exist.

In the first few weeks, Kimi thought Sebastian was simply just tired because of the long season and needed a lot of sleep and rest. But then he noticed that Seb hasn't been his usual self since his retirement. He didn't want to go out with Kimi, he didn't want to cook or bake at home, he didn't even want to watch a movie, let alone a series. Sexual intimacy wasn't even a topic. Seb didn't want Kimi's touch. Even though it hurt like hell, Kimi respected his decision and then they just slept in the same bed, nothing more. It was cruel for Kimi not to cuddle Seb but when he tried, Seb flinched and turned away. He didn't want to make things worse so he stopped.

When Seb was at his lowest, there were nights when Kimi couldn't sleep because Seb was crying next to him and Kimi's heart broke because he didn't know what to do. If he spoke to him, Seb didn't respond and tried to stop crying so Kimi wouldn't hear it. It didn't work. Kimi still knew it. If Kimi tried to touch him, caress his hair or his back, or hug him, Seb would simply just shake his head and go out of the room.

When he was at his lowest, Seb couldn't communicate. Kimi tried to talk to him but Seb was too tired to even care about it and it was cruel for both of them. Seb didn't want to be like that but he didn't know what to do or say. He didn't know how to get out of this deep-deep hole that was sucking him in.

Kimi always cooked Seb's favorites. He learned to cook just to be able to cook for him. But then Seb stopped eating. And then drinking too. And he didn't have the energy to even get out of bed to go to the bathroom. He peed himself. And then he cried and prayed for Kimi not to notice because Seb was scared Kimi would shout at him for not being a normal person and fucking getting out of bed to go to the bathroom. He wanted to get out. But he couldn't. He felt disgusting but he couldn’t do anything about it.

When Kimi noticed the accident, he didn’t say anything, just cleaned the bed and carried Seb to the bathroom to bathe him like he did every night. And when Seb fell asleep after, it was Kimi the one who cried. He was tired and he didn't know what to do because Seb didn't want to talk with a psychologist and he couldn't force it on him. Kimi knew he needed to do something because Seb was sick and he couldn't keep watching him suffer, it made his heart break into million pieces.

The last straw for Kimi was when one day Seb tried to go to the bathroom but collapsed when he stood up because he hadn't eaten anything for days, even though Kimi still cooked for him every day and tried to make him eat, even offered to feed him but Sebastian turned it down. At that moment Kimi almost lost his patience and shouted at Seb but he decided not to do it for fear of making the situation even worse.

When Kimi rushed to the bedroom and saw Sebastian next to the bed, the blood froze in his veins. He immediately called an ambulance and, at that moment, he decided not to give a fuck about what Seb said anymore. He needed help. It wasn't a question anymore. He was sick. Very sick. They shouldn't have gone this far. Kimi shouldn't have let Seb fall this deep into the hole. He should’ve cared about him more.

While he was waiting for the ambulance to come, Kimi was sitting next to Seb, checking on his breathing and pulse for the dispatcher. His heart sank when he noticed how pale Seb was. There were dark circles under his eyes and his skin was dry and swollen. Kimi reached out to stroke Seb’s dull hair. His blond curls were nowhere near as pretty as they used to be. Kimi wanted to cry. He fucked up. He fucking fucked up. He let his boyfriend, the love of his life, get there and collapse and lay on the floor unconscious after not eating and drinking. He couldn’t be more irresponsible of a boyfriend.

He squeezed Seb’s hand and then kissed it before the paramedics arrived there. “I’m so sorry, darling” he murmured, wiping his tears off with the back of his hand. “I love you. You can be angry at me, I do this for you, for your own safety. I’ll be there with you I promise. Please stay strong for a bit more. Just a bit more until they can help you.”

***

In the hospital, they performed a lot of examinations on Seb and then gave him fluids and vitamins, and then he had a consultation with a psychologist and even with a psychiatrist. The diagnosis was clear. Malnutrition and major depression. They didn't let him go home; it was a dead try from Seb to ask. There was no way they would let him go home in this condition. He was stuck in the hospital for weeks.

The hospital stay was a long few weeks with a lot of low points when Seb felt like there was no way out but Kimi was there with him every day for at least a few hours. They even did therapy together. Couples therapy, the therapist called it. It helped a lot because they learned to communicate again and it was really important for Seb’s recovery. In four weeks, they learned how to talk about their feelings and how to open up to each other again. Kimi has also learned how to take care of his boyfriend if he’s feeling low or doesn’t want to eat and he was grateful for knowing what to do even though he hoped they won’t get into a situation like this ever again.

***

On Seb's last day in the hospital, Kimi stepped into the hospital room with his hands behind his back, hiding something from his boyfriend.

“Hi, darling,” Kimi smiled when Seb noticed him and greeted him with his beautiful smile. Seb was much healthier now. His dark circles disappeared, his face and body looked healthier, and he felt stronger and happier. It still wasn't easy for him to eat as much as he did when he was racing and he had a special diet but he was trying and it was working. He ate small amounts of food a lot of times a day and had a dietician to help him.

“Hi, love,” Seb said, looking at Kimi with a curious look. “What are you hiding?”

“It's something... Something small. For you. I made this for you. For your big day. At home. After... After you got in here and I was alone at home while you were here. And I was thinking about you a lot. And about us. And about how I should have cared about you more and not let you get this deep into depression. This little gift is... This is for you to remind you that I love you, I care about you and I won't let you fall again,” Kimi said, looking at Seb's beautiful blue eyes, and he then showed him the gift. A bracelet, made with beads and charms of different shapes and colors, in a little box. “I know it's stupid and it looks like a kid's made it, b—”

“Stop it, love,” Seb pushed his finger to Kimi's lips, looking at him with tearful eyes. “It is... It is beautiful. And it means a lot. It means the world to me. Thank you so much. Thank you,” he whispered while he put the colorful bracelet on, and then leaned closer to Kimi to kiss him. To kiss him again after months. To kiss him again after not being able to even think about kissing him or touching him or letting Kimi touch him. It was a huge step for Seb. Kimi was proud of him for it. And Seb was proud of himself for it too.

After the kiss, Seb got out of the bed and reached out to hold Kimi's hand, and looked into his eyes. Kimi looked at him and smiled. They were going to go home soon to continue to heal together. But before going home, Seb wanted to tell Kimi something.

“When...,” Seb started but then he stopped to take a deep breath, “When I'm completely okay again I would like to ask you to be my husband. If you want it too. You don't have to if you don't—”

“Of course, darling, of course, I want to be your husband. It's not a question. It was never a question. Oh my god, Seb,” Kimi said, tears filling his eyes, a smile on his lips. “When you're completely okay again, we're going to get married, yeah. Wow. I can't wait.”

Seb nodded, smile growing wider and wider seeing Kimi's reaction.

“Yeah, when I'm okay again,” he nodded, “Because I want to be okay again. I'm going to be okay again. I'm not far from that now.”

“Yeah,” Kimi nodded, “You're going to be okay because you're doing amazing, you're doing the therapy really good and you're eating again and you're happier, and... And you're going to be healthy again.”

“Yes, I'm going to be healthy again” Seb nodded and Kimi nodded and they were both nodding and laughing and crying from happiness and hugging each other for long-long minutes not wanting to let the other go. And they didn't have to, because they were going to be okay again.

In sickness and in health, they say. Seb and Kimi knew it well.

[kaaloopsiiaa]

alexithymia

(n.) the inability to express your feelings

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝

existing is so tiring. the mere thought of starting a day makes me sick to the stomach. waking up wishing i didn't, standing up wishing i would just collapse and never get up... why am i getting exhausted? i'm just existing, like everybody else, right? why am i getting tired? i'm not doing anything special, right? god, thinking makes my mind want to kill its own self. too many questions, i don't even want the answers to any of them, do i? i'm not sure. i'm not sure about anything, actually. my life seems to be endlessly drowning in confusion. it leaves me wondering if i really am confused or if i simply am not trying to figure it out. but honestly, do i need to figure it all out? do i have to? it's such a hassle. i don't know it all. but people do, people have their life together. why don't i? i'm not any different, am i? those questions, they keep popping up in my mind. they need to stop. they're making existing even more exhausting than it already is. yet they keep me sane. i tend to talk to myself, desperately trying to answer those questions to fill in the hole loneliness is digging in my soul. i mean, i'm not lonely. i have friends. i'm just avoiding them, or they are the one doing so. i honestly don't know. but i don't want this to keep going. why can't i just talk to them? why am i holding myself back from them? we're friends, so why am i scared of being too much a friend for them? actually, this is one question i can answer... well, never mind. another question came to my mind. what was i talking about again? my thoughts are fighting against each other, i don't know which one to side with. maybe i should sleep, it'll shut my mind off completely. only for 8 hours that would feel like a minute, though. because when i'll wake up, i'll wish i didn't. it's a cycle, an endless loop that burdens me more and more as days pass. but isn't it just so weird how: when i wake up to the sun hitting my eyes, i find it beautiful. when i look through the windows, watching the trees flow with the breeze, i find it mesmerizing. isn't it weird how i feel that life is beautifully perfect yet so disgustingly ugly. nature makes it easier, and minds make it harder. wait, i wandered away from the main subject once more. what was it again? right, existence. i don't even want to talk about it anymore. it saddens me a bit too much. makes salty water come out of the corner of my eyes. people call them tears, i don't really call them so because then this is called crying. and i don't want to cry. it's just my body feeling the need to evacuate its thoughts through those drops. i don't want to let it all out. i want to keep it to myself, let it rot until it dies. hopefully taking those stupid questions with it. but i know it won't. i'll live with the tiredness of asking myself these questions and with the guilt of not being able to answer them. but everybody does, don't they? don't they know their answers? they probably don't, my rationality knows that. yet my heart and soul tell me otherwise. they keep stating how different i am from others. i don't want to believe it, but my mind does. i can't help it, can i? see, questions never stop, even when they are that stupidly useless. useless... i hate that word. everything has a use, a purpose, a reason to be. well, many will disagree by saying that some things really don't matter. and i will agree because nothing matters. am i even making sense? but does it matter if i'm not? gosh, i just want to stop thinking, stop the race time is challenging me into, stop bothering myself with my own mind. i'm tired, too tired to even be alive. exhaustion is not enough of a word to describe how existing feels like. i lost the will to keep going, to keep trying to gather my life together. because in the end, i can't understand what i'm doing. i don't even understand what i've been talking about since the beginning.

[bowandcurtsey]

hello! lately i always thinking abt nozel and UGH I THINK IM OBSESSED?? btw, im not sure but, do you mind if i request for nozel x s/o when hes get sick and the s/o taking care of him? the rest is up to you, i trust u cuz goshh ur scenarios are awesome. sorry for my bad grammar cuz english isn't my first language. don't force urself and stay healthy. thank u!

NOZEL BRAIN ROT HERE WE GO!

Thank you for this fluffy request Anony!!

Also @muichiroslover I’m sorry I missed your birthday my child, i added extra sugar in this dish for you 😘 LUB YOU 💕

Nozel Silva x f! reader

Nozel Silva seldom got sick, but when he does, it's usually bad. It all started out with a simple runny nose and you had told him to take a little rest from his work and come home early. But your man was stubborn, he refused because the Silver Eagles were going to take up a big mission soon, and he needed to make sure things were in order.

And finally, after days of straining his body, he collapsed.

When he woke up, he was lying in bed. He didn't even have the strength to sit up. You weren't by his side during this time, so he was a little moody and he asked the servants, "Where is y/n?"

"She's at work sir Silva, Lady y/n says she's gone to check on your work for you, to see if there's any urgent work to be done."

He relaxed a little in bed, feeling relieved that you were there to handle any issues. He only trusted you when it came to important work.

You came back home later in the evening. The tiredness in your eyes vanished when you saw that Nozel was awake.

"Are you feeling better love?" you went over and pecked him on the cheeks.

"Don't come too close, I don't want to spread the virus to you," Nozel said quietly.

"Are you sure?" you gave him a coquettish grin, "I heard that a certain someone was throwing a tantrum when I wasn't around when he woke up.."

"I wasn't throwing a tantrum." he argued, but he was true that he was in better spirits now that you were home.

You tended to him by his bedside, feeding him and cleaning him with a towel.

He nuzzled into your gentle touch, "is everything okay back at the HQ? Let me know if there's anything you can't handle."

"And you'll drag your half alive body back to the office? No." you looked at him with stern eyes, "Honey, stop worrying about work."

He nodded as he took another bite off the spoon that you were feeding him from.

After dinner, you helped him undo his braid and brushed his hair, he purred contently in your touch and his lips curled into a smile.

"Alright love, rest early~" you gave a peck on his forehead.

"Where are you heading?" His lips suddenly turned into a light pout again.

"mm, I just have a little more work to finish and I'll join you in awhile." You coaxed him back to sleep.

The next day, you were out early in the morning, even before he woke up.

By evening, you were not back and the royal's mood took a huge swing again.

"Get someone to call y/n back. It's too late for a lady to be outside."

About 9pm, you finally came home, "Honey, I still have tons of work to do."

"No." he simply said.

"what do you mean no? Weren't you worried about the big mission that's coming up? There's also this dinner that the house of silva is hosting...." she understood why her husband was constantly swamped with work, but he really needed an assistant!

"Look at your eyebags.." he traced your eyes with his delicate fingers, "you slept late last night and went out early this morning."

"Now you understand?" she sighed

Nozel looked at you in curiosity, wondering what were you implying.

"Every time you work like this and refuse to rest, it breaks my heart too." you held the hands that were pressing against your face, "When you collapsed due to work, it broke my heart, I felt like a bad wife.."

Nozel opened his mouth to say something, but no words came from his mouth. He gently pulled you with whatever strength he had onto his lap, "I'm sorry for neglecting you and worrying you."

"Honey, I just don't want to see you overworking yourself and hurting your health" you gave him your best pout.

They said Nozel Silva was cold as steel, but in your presence, his heart would always melt.

"Okay, I'll find an assistant.." he pinched your nose a little, "I might have someone in mind"

"who is it?"

"Someone whom I think is capable, she's also pretty efficient from what I've noticed."

"She..?" you suddenly felt a hinge of jealousy, thinking that there will be a woman working alongside him from now on, "do I know her?"

"Are you jealous?" he smiled, "But this way, I can spend more time with you."

"Okay.." the distress was evident in your face, "but you'll be spending most of your time with another woman instead." you mumbled.

He wrapped his arms around you tightly, unwilling to see you upset any further after you have been burning the midnight oil because of him.

"So, my new assistant, when are you reporting for work?" he whispered into your ears as he nuzzled into the crook of your neck.

You face flushed, knowing that you've been played, "You're lucky you're sick right now or I would've smacked you!" you rolled your eyes at him.

Nozel found it amusing. Nobody dared to roll their eyes at him, except for you, yet he lets you do it.

"And then I'll hire an assistant for you. So in the future, we can get to spend more time together." he patted your head.

Your heart throbbed at your handsome husband. He was ill, but yet he still exuded the Aura of the captain of the Silver Eagles

"Are you done staring at your husband?" he pinched your cheeks, "Now feed me, I've been waiting for you to have dinner."

-end-

[apixrl]

DROWSY.

levi ackerman x fem!reader

WARNING(S): none

word count: 3.4k

song: before i close my eyes // xxxtentacion

note(s): soft levi lives in my head rent free and that's perfectly okay he can stay for as long as he wants to

Your hand pressed against your back as you stretched, stifling a yawn that echoed through the hallway. You swore you could hear your joints wailing out in distress, every step feeling as though you were dragging a weight behind you that was five times your size. Your bed was calling out to you in more ways than you could count, the idea of snuggling under the covers absolutely heavenly.

It had been a long and tiresome day, to say the least. After waking up early and in bright spirits, you made the decision to go on a long morning jog. To ready yourself for a presumably easy day. But those words came back to bite you when Captain Levi dropped you and your comrades into an intense training segment that lasted all morning. Then proceeded a heavy clean of headquarters in the afternoon. Ordered to rid the underside of the tables of dust and to clear those sneaky corners of muck that had festered far too long. To put a long story short; you were about ready to drop dead on the floor by the time evening rolled on by.

You loved Levi with all your heart, but unfortunately, your relationship with him didn't come with any bonuses. Yes, you saw a softer side on occasion, but the man never allowed bias to take over during work hours. You were treated the same as the others; a soldier in the ranks. A member of Levi's squad. When you did right you were praised and when you did wrong you served the consequences. Levi would set you on a thirty lap run around the camp perimeter if he saw fit, and there was no getting out of it. As much as you could complain, you knew it was for the best. When it came down to it, Levi was your superior as well as his partner and there had to be some line between the two.

Plodding along the hallway, your bedroom door up ahead was your saviour. You could practically taste the sweet rest waiting for you on the other side. Though just before you could reach your salvation, a voice from the neighbouring room stopped you in your step and tore you away from it.

"Y/N,"

Levi.

It would be lying to say you didn't whimper, so close to a good night's sleep yet so far all in one go. But you weren't so selfish that you'd ignore your lover's call because you were simply exhausted. Yes, you considered it... but resisting the urge gave you credibility, right?

Regardless, you exhaled a sigh knowing it would be wrong not to respond. That man you called your partner had ears like a cat anyway. He probably heard you make your way down the hall or noticed your shadow under the door and had sensed your halt upon his call. So dragging your eyes away from the vision of your wonderfully made bed (Levi having been the one to tuck the sheets in that morning since he was the last one up. So no wonder you were fantasizing at the idea of collapsing on there) behind the door of your room, you set your gaze on the door to Levi's office instead.

You realised it was open just a tad, explaining Levi sensing your approach so easily. Pressing your hands against the wooden frame, you pushed it open and popped your head around the door, forcing your eyes open no matter how much they pleaded to close against the candlelight.

As expected, Levi was seated at the chair of his desk. Neck-deep in papers that he'd been working on most of the night. One shorter pile to the left and a taller one to the right - one pile waiting to be looked at whilst the other sat completed. You wondered which one that was... and prayed for Levi's sake it was the tallest pile to allow him a good night's sleep.

His greyed eyes didn't look up upon your entry, something you just managed to notice through the strands of wispy black locks atop Levi's head. That seemed to indicate he was focused on the task at hand, especially from the way his hand efficiently worked at the pieces of paper like it was on autopilot.

"Yes, love?" You asked, resting against the door for a brief moment as your tiredness caught up with you. If you had reacted to it a second later you believed you would have tipped over from loss of balance, and you were relieved when Levi spoke up once more - his voice jolting you upright.

"I need you to take some papers down to the Commander for me," Levi stated, a certain tone in his voice indicating his own form of tiredness. But you knew that rarely stopped him and his work, the man willing to stay up until the early hours of the morning just to get it finished.

His words made your body panic, unsure if it could muster a journey all the way to Erwin's whereabouts. You had barely walked up the stairs of headquarters well, let alone travelling back down them and then all the way back up again.

"It can't wait until tomorrow?" You tried, chewing the inside of your cheek gingerly. From the way Levi glanced over his wad of papers, grey eyes filled with doubt, you knew it was a longshot. "It's just late, that's all. You need to rest,"

"No," Levi ceased all action, slouching down in his seat briefly as his fingertips held the bridge of his nose. His version of a short break and a way to bury his annoyance down. It appeared to be one of those nights, where he was swamped with work and didn't have the opportunity to simply 'head to bed'. "I'm still nowhere near done, and I don't have the time to take the ones I've already looked at to Erwin because of that," It was there his hand propped up, elbow resting on his other which has splayed over his chest. He motioned you over, eyes skipping between you and the seat opposite him until you got the message.

You were delayed in realising, feeling guilty at your inability to proceed Levi's words. You heard them, but fatigue seemed to seize hold and throw them out the window before your brain could comprehend the meaning. You hoisted yourself off of the doorframe, letting the hinges squeak the door shut behind you as you made your way to Levi's desk. You then sat yourself down, hands pressed to the chair arms as your attention steered to your partner.

"Okay... so which pile am I taking?" Was your question, forcing a small smile to at least seem interested. The black-haired man straightened up, eyes skimming over the papers on his desk and seemingly on the floor too. That made your brow raise, head tilting to the side ever so slightly in wonder. What was behind the desk?

Levi proceeded to push his chair back with his feet, his head quickly disappearing under the table as if to grab something. You rested your cheek in your palm as you waited, a hint of a frown as you waited. Your assumptions were correct as, after a few seconds of scuffling around, Levi reappeared from under the desk - standing up to place yet another pile of paper wherever his desk had the space to hold it.

"This one," He addressed, exhaling heavily once he was comfortable in his seat again. Just when you thought that was it, Levi pushed the taller pile of papers forward as well, and it would be wrong to say you were joyful of the sight. In fact, you were very much dismayed, the sight of the multiple piles of papers meaning more than one trip.

Suddenly you wished the shorter pile was the finished one.

"And this one," Levi spoke with little character as per usual, gazing upon the piles of papers like they were nothing more than a pile of dirt. Clearly, he had experienced little joy going through them, but work never got done whilst complaining. The only words ringing in his mind to convince Levi to get his head down and focus. "You'll probably need to take two trips,"

"You don't say," You commented and sighed to yourself. For hours you had awaited your mattress and now look at you, even further away from reaching it as before. It was a big shame you woke up in such an energetic mood and was ending the day feeling like you couldn't lift a finger. "And if I cant find Commander Erwin?"

"He should be in his office," Levi returned. "But if not, place the right pile on his desk," He then gestured to the left, hand pressing on top for emphasis. "This one will need sorting, however. Just separate the tags in the stack and the drawer they belong in is on there. It shouldn't take you too long, just make sure the files are in the right place or Erwin won't be pleased. Oh, and try not to drop them, please? I'd rather not lose four hours worth of work because of your two left feet -," Levi was cut short by a sound he was not at all expecting. A snorting noise caught him off guard, but when he looked up at you in question the answers quickly came pouring in.

It appeared in Levi's ramble you had grown bored. As there you were, head lolling forwards as your arm tried to prop it up, eyes closed and snoring away to your heart's content. Levi quirked a brow at your behaviour, then scoffed lightly. The man couldn't say he was surprised, of course you would nod off to sleep exactly when he needed your help. At a time where he was swamped with things to do and an extra pair of hands wouldn't hurt.

"Y/N," He tried after a minute or so passed, Levi frowning at the lack of response. If anything, the snoring grew louder. It was there he tried again, a little more firmly and loudly but still, nothing.

Typical.

Levi sat there in silence and disbelief, watching your frame rise and fall with each intake of breath. Meanwhile, you simply slept on without a care in the world, but it's not like he could leave you there. Leaving you sleeping in such a way was bound to cause a nasty neck and backache the following morning. So with a sigh, Levi hoisted himself out of his chair and walked around his desk to your side. Then he knelt down to your level, hand landing on your shoulder to give you a gentle but firm shake.

"Y/N," Levi spoke, a little softer this time, all whilst trying to nudge you awake. It appeared you had only lightly nodded off, as, after three or four shakes, you stirred out of your little nap. Your eyes shot open to meet Levi's observing you closely, a hint of a frown to his face as he did. In your state you barely noticed though, too busy trying to shake off your drowsiness but failing miserably as your eyes merely drooped more.

"Levi?" You mumbled tiredly, lifting your gaze towards your lover, puzzled over why he was so close to you. "What is it?"

"You fell asleep," Levi said with hesitancy, glancing away from you for a second before he continued. "Is everything alright?"

"Hm? Yes... everything's fine," You reassured, sending him a reassuring smile. Levi narrowed his gaze, prompting you to keep going. "It's just been a long day, that's all,"

"I see," Levi nodded, noticing your lack of attentiveness and sleepy demeanour. All of which you tried to force back through your smile. But Levi knew you better than that. He could see straight through the façade just how you could see straight through his, acting as though you were fine when it was truly quite the opposite. That was enough for Levi to suspect something was up, and that little switch in his head that differed between his role as Captain and partner flipped in an instant.

"Sorry... y-you were saying something before I dropped off weren't you?" You asked and pointed to the papers on the table. "Something about them?"

Levi turned to look at where you gestured, seeing the papers that still needed taking to Erwin. He contemplated still asking for your help, but it was obvious from just the way you looked alone that you were long desperate for rest. So exhaling a small sigh, Levi reluctantly cast his gaze back onto you and shook his head.

"No, don't worry about it," He allowed his hand to leave your shoulder and moved it to your face. Where he tucked a few loose strands of your H/C hair behind your ear, continuing. "It can wait until tomorrow,"

"Are you sure?" You asked through a yawn, leaning into the hand that Levi proceeded to support your cheek with. The subtle graze of his thumb over your cheekbone relaxing you to the point sleep nearly stole you from him once more.

As much as he disliked tampering with his organised routine, Levi knew sending you on errands whilst so tired would do you no good the next day. Perhaps he had pushed you a little far without realising, the thought running through his mind later on in the morning. You'd been lagging behind your comrades more than usual. Much opposing to you typically being at the front of the group and urging them on over the other way around. Whilst it wasn't as obvious in the afternoon, the strain in your expression as you scrubbed the floors and countertops had peeked its way through to him. Levi knew you in and out, and the frustration displayed ran much deeper than that of germs and bacteria. That was blatant now more than ever, so the least you deserved was a good night's rest. Just because he could run on little hours of sleep didn't mean you could.

"Yeah," Levi admired you under the dim light of his office after he spoke. Your inattentive gaze somehow continued to hold such focus as you looked back at him. The way you smiled with such love and yearn. How your cheek felt warm in his palm like he was holding the entire world. Which he was really. He was holding his entire world.

"Oh... okay," You said and your eyes drooped shut, not reopening. That brought Levi to act, blinking out of his daze and pulling himself to his feet with a sharp inhale.

"Come on, let's get you to bed," He said and slipped his arms around you, lifting you into their secure hold. You didn't protest, too tired to make a sound as you adjusted to the new position. A comfier position that ensured security and safety. One hand supported your back as Levi's bicep acted as your pillow and his spare arm hooked under your legs. You could feel the ever so gentle thump of Levi's heartbeat close to your ear, much opposing to his regular temperament - curt and firm and even quite harsh at the most.

Levi carried you out of his office, using his foot to open the door as he proceeded to venture down the hall to your shared bedroom. The place you had been going to before you were called to his aid. You kept your eyes closed the entire time but didn't nod off just yet, the bobbing motion of Levi's walk both drifting and stirring you from sleep. It wasn't long before Levi was pulling back the sheets whilst he only just managed to hold you with one arm. You made it easier by wrapping your legs around his waist and your arms around his neck, giggling lightly to yourself when you almost slipped. Somewhere in Levi's silence, he found it amusing. Perhaps not verbally placed, but you sensed it nonetheless. Still, he downplayed it with concern, his hand pressing against your back to hold you closely against his frame.

He placed you down with care, hand only leaving your back once it rested on the mattress. Sliding it out, it returned to the sheets as he placed them back over you. Meanwhile, you watched through half-lidded eyes, following where Levi's gaze trailed. Mainly sticking to the sheets he tucked in for you out of the goodness of his heart, though flickered back to you on occasion. His eyes contained a warmth that opposed their normal grey colour. A warmth that he usually failed to place into the spoken word and resorted to showing it rather than saying it.

Eventually, Levi finished, his hands stopping their skilful movement and pressing into the pillow on either side of your head. He was silent for a moment, observing your tiresome state and realising just how fatigued he was too. He battled the urge to collapse on the bed beside you, pull you into his arms and fall fast asleep. To ignore his duties for just one night. Give himself a treat and spend the night snoozing away like the everyday citizen. But Levi knew that was irresponsible. He had been irresponsible enough leaving the paperwork so late. It also wasn't the life he had been fated to lead, regardless of how pleasant the idea may be in the subconscious of his mind.

"I still have a lot of work to do," He uttered no louder than a whisper, exhaling deeply in an apologetic sigh and hating the idea of traipsing back to his office to work. "I'll have to join you later but I'm guessing you'll be asleep,"

"It's okay," You hummed, head tilting to the side as an innocent smile formed on your face. "Do I get a kiss good night, at least?"

Levi couldn't fight the small chuckle that escaped him, head proceeding to hang forwards and shake too and fro at your words. He truly felt he didn't deserve you and the love you gave him. Always so understanding, never complaining about his packed work schedule. How you made him feel steady and kept him sane. Perhaps it was because you were a soldier too and knew how time-consuming the job was, but Levi was grateful for all of it. The man met your eyes, a certain radiance in them that he'd refrain from showing to anyone else other than you.

"You're twenty-nine years old and you act like a child," He remarked with no ill intent, the laugh that elicited from you music to his ears.

"Yeah, and you chose to -," You were cut off, Levi leaning forwards to press his lips to yours in a tender kiss. You hummed in approval, forgetting the words you planned to say and instead enjoyed the display of affection. Levi lingered longer than usual, an indirect apology for the fact he had to leave you with the bed half cold. You didn't question it, knowing Levi's work never truly stopped and granted him a break. The fact he'd even paused just to tuck you in comfortably was enough to satisfy your needs, whether Levi would believe that or not was up to him. But your eyes fell closed, both from bliss and sleep catching up to claim control.

Gradually your lips loosened on Levi's, indicating you had nodded off. He opened his eyes and pulled back in question, watching your head tilt faintly to the side as your pillow held its weight. Levi exhaled deeply, leaning down to plant one final kiss on your forehead. Then he hoisted himself off of the bed and walked to the door.

"Good night, Y/N," He said once there, glancing back at you one final time. From where he stood, you appeared merrily at peace. Finally grateful for the embrace of your bedsheets after a dragging day of nonstop training. Levi did feel somewhat bad for being a cause for your tiredness, knowing that he could sometimes be cruel when playing his 'Captain' role. But he couldn't favour you just because of his feelings, and the fact you rarely made that an issue provided him relief like no other. Still, Levi's guilt asserted as he closed the bedroom door quietly behind him.

Why... it wouldn't be terrible if he let you sleep in a little bit past the wake-up call, would it?

[bored-storyteller]

Second part of the request for @amevinil239

25- Twisted Wonderland- Kalim, Azul, Leona, Riddle x Reader

Anger and home pt. 2

Kalim Al-Asim

-I'm not sure what can get Kalim into arguing, but I'm pretty sure if you're stressed out, his behavior can be irritating sometimes.

-Mostly, Kalim will be blind to your problems. It's not that he doesn't want to see them, but he simply can't.

-And he doesn't listen. Trying to tell him with good manners that you really would need his support and not having to satisfy his whims is difficult.

-Furthermore, Kalim is a good person, perhaps a little childish, but he is not stupid or submissive. If there is a misunderstanding and he feels he is right, he is stubborn on his arguments.

-In any case, he would never intend to hurt you, ever.

-After a fight he will be the most wounded in the soul of the two, and if you run away from him the world will collapse on him.

"That's enough!"

Your voice is so high that it burns your throat as if it were sandpaper.

You never thought you would reach this level of anger and desolation, not with Kalim.

He's angry too, you've never seen him angry. His expression is serious, almost adult.

By now you are tired of making him think. He has never experienced what the suffering of people like you means. It is not his fault.

Yet you can't forgive him, you can't stop being mad at him.

"I just want to go home! Where all this doesn't exist!"

It's not so true, and you know it. You miss home, so badly. But you could never pretend again that this world doesn't exist.

You don't want to look at him again, partly for your badness, partly for shame.

You turn around and run away, hoping he won't hear your sobs. You don't see how much those words hurt him, all the realization you suddenly threw in him.

Curled up in the most hidden corner of the garden, you know he will come to you. Because Kalim is a good person, really good, and he doesn't want to make people suffer.

He knows that because of him many can suffer, you, Jamil... and he hates himself for not knowing how to protect you from this, even if he could.

Sitting next to you he is silent for a while, letting himself be hurt by your sobs.

"I know ..." he murmurs sadly "But ... I'd miss you so much ..."

Those words increase your sobs, but they push you to untie yourself from your knot and push yourself towards him. By placing your head on his lap, you let yourself be caressed by his sweet hands. He is probably crying too, but both of you have finally come close. Because you know that if you are with him, you are a little bit at home anyway.

Azul Ashengrotto

-It is not difficult for Azul to hurt people, nor is he usually too sorry about it. He has suffered so many wounds that he can no longer empathize.

-If something about you doesn't suit him, he will tell you. Usually, however, he will maintain a gentlemanlike air that will soften his criticisms and make them look like advice.

-But there may be that time he says that extra thing without even looking at you, assuming you will listen to it.

-It will probably not even be a discussion, you will lose the desire to stay in his presence before he understands how seriously you are angry.

-If the Leach twins are there, they will be the first to understand how serious the situation is and they will exchange puzzled looks, hoping that Azul will look up from his documents and look at you before it is too late.

-When Azul also realizes it will be like a bucket of ice water on his head. He can't say how bad you looked to him, but it's too late to fix it.

-He won't lose its composure, but it won't let you go anyway.

"I want to go home away from all this!"

Azul can't stop you while you rush out the door.

He just looks at the door from where you're gone out with a surprised face. He hadn't noticed that you were crying.

Jade looks at him with the worried expression of someone who knows how serious the problem is now.

"Do you want me to bring them back?"

Azul shakes his head, and clearing his throat returns to do his job.

You, locked in your room, you don't know how irritable the Octavinelle leader remains for the rest of the day.

You feel alone and abandoned. An apology would have sufficed, but not even the threat of leaving seemed to scratch his heart.

If you can't count on Azul you know that a void will open inside you that will make you feel even more out of place in that world of magic.

You are about to give in to tiredness and sadness. Now all you want to do is disappear between your sheets, but before you can go to bed someone knocks on your door.

Slowly you go to open it. Azul is in front of you, his expression is serious and composed, but in his hand he holds a small paper bag. From the good scent that comes out you know it's your favorite dessert.

"Can I come in?"

His voice is calm and diplomatic, yet it is softer than usual.

You step aside even if you try to stay hard on him. You are still angry, and he realizes it.

He doesn't know how to behave, you know, you see him as he enters your room.

"I know you want to go home."

His voice resounds after a few minutes in silence.

"But until then, please stand by me, even if I'm just a good-for-nothing octopus."

You know how much those words cost him. You don't know if you'll ever hear them again, but you know they are worth more than a million apologies.

You approach him, and slowly taking the bag he brought and you open it.

"Do we eat it together?"

Leona Kingscholar

-Arguing is tiring, it must be serious for Leona to really engage in it.

-Leona listens to the complaints by puffing, he will answer every now and then but she will drop the whole discussion, yawning and maybe giving you reason.

-If it gets serious and he gets really angry, though, you'll see his animal side. If there is an incomprehension between you two that hurts him, he will struggle to restrain himself.

-He could really say things that can hurt you.

-Leona is used to people who are afraid of him. From an early age he was considered "frightening" because of his power. He never really felt appreciated despite his efforts. If you run away from him he will feel really bad.

You exploded at his last growl.

"You know what ?! I hate this place! I want to go back to my house!"

You threw up those words on him and ran away, giving birth to your tears that fell from your cheeks.

Those words hurt you too. You missed home, it is difficult to be divided between two worlds (which you perhaps love both).

You leave a broken Leona behind. His green eyes stare at the spot where you are gone. The prince's mind is good at digging under the surface more than he wants to believe. Did you just tell him you hate him? What do you want to run away from him?

He is not stupid, he knows that you miss your home, but the malice and pain with which you spoke to him displaced him. Maybe he really went overboard with you this time.

Leona doesn't often feel the urge to do something, yet now he wants to talk to you right away. But he doesn't follow you. You would probably chase him away and it would make him and you feel worse.

He only looks for you later hoping that you have calmed down, but he finds you curled up in the greenhouse, with your face hidden in your knees tight against your chest, crying.

Carefully sit next to you, not too close or too far. He knows you know he's there, and you're not sending him away. Good.

"Do you ... really want to get away from me?"

As if he had stung you with a pin you look at him. You are certain you have not said those words but Leona's surprisingly serious (and sad) gaze stops you for a second.

"I won't stop you if that's what you want ... but ... I ..."

Even if he doesn't want to, you feel the knot in his throat from the crack in his voice that prevents him from completing the sentence. You didn't want to hurt him like that, you didn't want to leave him.

Cautiously you approach him, and silently snuggle against his shoulder.

The prince lets you act, while his tail surrounds you widely and his cheek rests on your head.

"I know you miss home ... but I'm here."

Riddle Rosehearts

-Riddle is a demanding person, you know. He is a good boy, but he can easily throw your mood under your shoes.

-For him everything he says is important, so it is often dangerous to challenge him. When it happens it's because he really hits you.

-Yet he won't understand it. He will support his views in anger without realizing how deeply he is digging inside you.

- A stupid argument can get really heavy with him if you don't give in, and sometimes you know it's okay not to give in.

-Riddle knows he has to improve himself, but only realizes it when he's done the damage. And most of the time he doesn't know how to fix it.

Riddle feels a failure when he sees you running away.

He still hears your last words inside himself: "I want to go back to my house!"

He knows everything they mean. All your pain, and all the pain he causes you.

He sighs heavily, bringing a hand to his face and hiding it against his palm.

"I did it again, didn't I?"

Trey only looks at him sympathetically, without replying. All eyes are on the leader, but he doesn't care.

He swallows that wave of impotence that overwhelms him and straightens himself, parading among the students with a determined step, to look for you.

This is no time to be a capricious child, Riddle. It must find you and support you. This is what a leader must do.

You, sitting on a bench, clasp your arms around yourself, seeking comfort in yourself, as you try to silence the tears.

Again Riddle swallows his anguish and approaches you. He's afraid of your reaction, but still he gives you a tissue to wipe away the tears, because that's how a leader behaves, right? He wants you to trust him. He wants to be responsible for you.

"I know you miss home ... and how difficult it is for you to settle here ..."

He begins with a gentler voice. You are not pushing him away, so he dares to sit next to you. hoping to do the right thing.

"But until ... when you can return to your world let me help you."

He doesn't see you reacting, but he feels that your sobs have stopped, maybe he is on track.

"Can you forgive me?"

Finally your hands move, and with a slight thanks you grab what he gives you, cleaning your face.

Riddle feels relieved, it would have been difficult to lose you.

You look at him, and smiling shyly you nod, sure that you forgive him. How can you not forgive such a lovable boy?

[artistclock]

ABENROT

(n.) the color of the sky while the sun is setting

By: Cherry Mae Parohinog

There are white canvases all over the place. The enticing smell of the acrylic paint gets her euphoric. The easel is crafted of beautiful wood and stands tall just for her. A paintbrush's fluffy bristle. The brightly colored paint tube neatly stacked on the table. The wooden floor is smeared with rainbow hue stain; she knows it's a mess, but it's chaotically colorful to her.

Van Gogh once said, "If you hear a voice within you say 'you cannot paint, then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced."

She lived for that. The noises in her head were too loud; she wanted to hush them through painting. She'll play with them and make them vanish. She will create a universe in which her subject can be anything.

We all clueless people trying to figure out what to do.

However, this is not the case for her. Art is what keeps her earthly body from deteriorating. The purity of it, as well as the vibrant elements. Art is what fuels her fire. She is yearning for art. This is where her life will take her: to live passionately.

She has complete control over her decisions. She gets to decide what she wants to do. And that is creating art and becoming immersed in it. This is the fuel that keeps her going.

As she stroked a fine line, the black ink kissed the canvas. She pushed her palm gently, almost as if it were a feather. She does not want to ruin her creation.

Her paintings were mostly abstracts, but his face may be found all over her room.

The old grandfather clock sings. It's already five o'clock in the afternoon. She was engrossed in her reveries and didn't notice the passing of time. She stared in the mirror; she has paint on her face, arms, and palm, in addition to her face! She appeared to be puking rainbows. She needs to take a shower!

But she has a sinking feeling. She's always concerned about something. Her anxiety is killing her. She wrinkled her nose. Please, not right now.

She heard a noise as she swirled around in delight. It's a scream, not a scream! Her mother's anguish. She doesn't want to admit it, but its right in front of her. She dashed down the stairs, her mother screaming and bowing and holding her father's knees, asking her not to leave them. Her father, on the other hand, holds firm in his determination to leave their home and be with his mistress. Her father's harsh comments have lingered in her mind. His gentle eyes have vanished. Her mother yelled that she was going to commit suicide, but her father merely laughed like a demon, even encouraging her mother to do it. What a jerk!

With shaking feet and clouded vision, I peered into the entryway. She noticed her father getting ready to leave, two hand-carry bags on each side of him. For the last time, her father smiled at her. He used to be her hero without a cape. What happened now? When he shut the door, her father had vanished in the late afternoon light.

You've become everything you said you'd never be.

She tries to scream her father's name, but it only comes out as a whisper. Her mother's gaze was fixated on the door. She'll be the one who strengthens them both now that one of them is weak. This is not the time to be weak.

This is a broken family. She was like a stray lamb. Everything was jumbled and disorganized.

She ran as fast as she could toward the direction she knew would soothe her feelings. She couldn't stop herself from gasping. Her lungs clenched and her chest heaved furiously. Her hands were resting on her knees. Her lips felt parched. Her face was wet from sweat and tears, which were mixing and dripping at the same moment, but the salty air was defying it. She collapsed on the sand due to tiredness.

Why am I being drawn back to the world I was trying to avoid?

You're not alone. You're not alone since your paint and canvas are waiting for you, right? You're still colorful, she assured herself.

She finally noticed the broad stretch of white sand. The magnificent red and orange sunset resembled a massive fireball. The sky appeared to be magnificent. Because of the golden brightness of the setting sun, the sea glistened with flame. The waves slammed on the coast, sweeping up and down. The palm trees swayed in time to the winds dancing. They complement each other nicely. The serenity of the field and the chirpings of the birds. She can't quit admiring it. She could live here forever.

She raised her hand with the colors in it, as if she could touch the view in front of her. She will never give up all hope.

This will come to an end soon.

For a little moment, she found solace in this place. The beautiful pink sky above her were turning purple. The chilling breeze. The clamor of the waves. The wind's whistling caresses her silky skin and gently flies her hair. She clutched her knees to her chest and reached for some fine white sand, which slipped easily between her fingertips. She flashed a grin.

Isn't it true that God is a sculptor? How did he figure out that blue had to be the color of water, or is blue the color of water? Is it science? Regardless of the explanation, she is enthralled by the beauty, peace, and hues it gives.

She bit her lower lip and reveled in the peacefulness of the surroundings. It provides her enough peace to forget about the pain for a while.

She felt numb and cold all of a sudden, so she grasped her porcelain and thin left arm and pushed her long nails firmly. The dents are visible to her. It has the appearance of a crescent moon. She let out a long sigh.

He'll be here in ten minutes.

She took out her sketchpad while she awaited his arrival. She drew a line in the paper recklessly till she forgot about the agony. This is her way of letting go of her disappointment, but everything was gloomy. It's lifeless.

As he sat next to her, the soft air blew alongside his heavy footfall. In a slouch stance, he made himself at home. He has an expensive, manly, and ferocious scent. He gave her a dark look when he realized how carelessly she was sitting, so he removed his black jacket and laid it on the sand. His V-neck white shirt stretched to fit his huge chest. He motioned her to take a seat. Her dumb heart throbbed. And the butterfly in her gut was almost making her nauseous.

When his warm hand began to caress her cheeks, she flinched. Her tears had dried up from crying, but he was still wiping them away. He washed away the paint that had been carved into her skin. When his palm brushed her face, it felt warm. Her breath came to a stand as she watched him delicately kiss the back of her palm, enthralled by the moment. The heat from his lips was instantly transferred to her skin. His touches were soft and delicate. Before glancing up at her, he licked his lower lip. His lips turned red, and his intense look was too much for her to bear, but his loving eyes were soothing her down. She can see herself reflected in his eyes.

He's truly a benevolent man. She squeezed his hand, conveying her gratitude and saying how much she missed him. He cocked his head and smirked.

He hoisted her into his arms and strode down the beach path. He understands what needs to be done. Her jumbled thoughts were washed away by the sea. They both burst out laughing. He laughed up and smiled at her as he flung his head back. This is the kind of smile that makes you feel secure. That's the kind of smile he has. His typical youthful grin. The way he blinks his eyes, chews his lips, and rakes his fingers through his hair. She was completely mesmerized.

Perhaps it means nothing to him, or perhaps it was simply a simple gesture, but it has a magical effect on her.

From where she sat, she gave him a glance. Arms at akimbo and now topless. He showcasing his ironclad chest and big guns. His worn blue jeans hung loosely about his waist. What a beautiful sight to see. Her breath became tangled instinctively. He had stubble on his strong, well-structured jaw, giving him a rugged appearance. His jaw's five o'clock shadow told her that. He has these obsidian orbs, and there's a spark of cunning in his eyes. His dark hair was disheveled and silky to the touch. His lips were curved, giving him a sly grin. His veins showed on his forearm screamed violence to her.

Despite the fact that he appeared tough and manly, she admires him.

She chuckled for a moment before remembering why she was there. It was unsurprising that those around her preferred to leave and ignore her. If they stay, she'll be much more surprised.

And he did. He's different. He stayed with her.

Their legs were touching. They stood there watching the sun set in the west. It appeared to be magnificent. His skin has been sun-kissed, and his glow is dazzling. His face was highlighted by the hue of the sunset. She was a little envious of it. He appears to be eternal. It's some of the most beautiful scenery she's ever seen.

For me, it'll just be him.

This is the right time. She wore her heart on her sleeve, ready to utter her lines but then the words failed her.

Why do things don't go always the way we want them to?

She noticed him staring at the girl with those gentle and tender eyes she admired so much. Her heart shattered as she saw him stand up and move away from her to approach the woman. The woman came to a halt in her tracks as she gracefully whirled around to face him. They looked at one other as if they were the center of the universe.

She the creator of her catastrophe. And this is one of her destruction.

The scene is just too pure. She is aware that this will happen, but she allows this emotion to consume her.

Oh, sunset, you're finally going down. Beautiful, but it must come to an end.

The cool breeze blew in and crawled into her skin. She wants to paint him. He's going to be her subject. For the last time. They appeared to be a couple in old images. She plans to paint them. And it'll be a masterpiece.

She gazed out at the vast sea. It was getting dark, and she could see stars strewn throughout the sky. Her felt body began to deteriorate. Isn't here where the sun first began to rise and set?

She let go of someone who wasn't supposed to be her. All she have left are memories of them. She know when it's time to admit defeat.

Just in one day, she saw her life faded in front of her.

[thebarsondaily]

Yearning for You by Roseau767

Title: Yearning for You Author: Roseau767 Rating: K Prompt: Goosebumps Summary: Olivia and Rafael decide to take some time out. Just the two of them. Together. A/N: This story was hard to complete after recent events. Barba leaving made my muse sad. Hoping this offering and all the other wonderful Barson stories will help us in the recovery process. Written for Valentine’s day ficathon contest by @thebarsondaily. Enjoy!!

▪▪▪▪▪

Friday. Manhattan District Hospital. 4:25pm

“Mr Barba will be fine,” the doctor said for the second time.

“I know,” Olivia sighed turning away from the sleeping body lying in the bed.

“It scared you…him just collapsing like that?”

Olivia nodded. “I thought he’d died,” she said softly.

She walked away with the doctor and sat on an empty chair, trying not to cry again for what seemed like the millionth time in the last few hours. She knew Dr Francis well enough not to feel totally embarrassed by her emotions, many of the victims they dealt with were referred to SVU by her.

“Are you guys close?” she asked.

Olivia’s eyebrows furrowed. She had never fully articulated what they were. Close friends for sure, maybe something more but she wouldn’t allow her thoughts to go there, so remained silent.

“What I mean….” The doctor was choosing her words carefully. “What I mean is does he listen to you?”

“Sometimes,” Olivia replied hesitantly. “He can be very stubborn.”

The doctor leaned forward then and nodded in understanding. Lowering her voice, she continued, “Look… he’s basically exhausted. I’ve seen this happen time and time again. Not enough sleep, too much coffee. His blood pressure was through the roof.”

“It’s been a crazy couple of months,” Olivia explained.

“Seems like it’s been more than a few months,” she responded rather matter of fact, not losing eye contact. Sitting up straighter in her seat, she continued. “We’ve known each other a long time, right? You’ve been coming here for years now so I consider myself in a position to comment.”

Olivia blinked several times in quick succession.

“So, you won’t be offended when I tell you that you look like hell.”

Olivia was taken aback at the bluntness.

“Don’t get me wrong,” she continued, “It always amazed me how great you looked at 2am. But lately…. You are here all the time, or at least it seems like it.”

Olivia was tired, exhausted if the truth be known and lately the last several cases had been tough on all of them, Barba especially.

“It’s my job, the victims need me.”

“And what about what you need?”

Olivia’s silence prompted Dr Francis to continue.

 “You need to rest. So, while you’re convincing your friend to take a break, have that same conversation with yourself too.”

“I can't…”

“Or won’t? You have a beautiful little boy that needs his mother to be fit and well but right now you are one step away from joining Mr Barba in a hospital bed too.”

Olivia opened and closed her mouth several times, but no sound came out.

“Take a break, Liv. Just a week and recharge your batteries. What harm can it do?”

Her bleep went off then and she stood abruptly; squeezed Olivia’s shoulder affectionately. She turned and began to walk away, not before looking over her shoulder and waving.

“Better still take Mr Barba with you,” she added loudly before hurrying down the corridor to her next emergency.

▪▪▪▪▪

Friday. Manhattan District Hospital. 8:00pm

“How do you feel Rafa?” Olivia asked him full of concern.

“Bad.”

He looked bad, his skin was pale, his eyes sunken.

“You’ll be okay,” she said reassuringly, her watery eyes conveying the depths of her emotions.  “You just need to rest. We both do.”

Oliva pulled her chair closer to his bed, placed a hand on his own and began to tell him of the doctor’s concerns and her recommendations that he needed to slow down. She saw the tiredness in his eyes as she spoke, and he simply listened.

It surprisingly didn’t take too much to convince him, and any reservations he had was soon gone when she started to cry again. Olivia knew she was really tired then, and when he suggested a quiet getaway in Connecticut, she simply nodded tightening her hold on his hand.

▪▪▪▪▪

Saturday. 10:00 am.

Lucy had agreed to stay with Noah and a temporary ADA was covering Barba in his absence. They had booked rooms the night before, too worn out to really think about the prices. It cost a small fortune, but with promises of total relaxation and inner peace they both just went with it.

Lucia Barba had packed her son a bag, dropping it at the hospital that same night relieved Rafael was finally taking a break. They had arranged for a driver, both really too exhausted to drive and concentrate on the busy roads.  Once Rafael was finally discharged, they sat back in the passenger seats as the driver took them out of the city.

“When was the last time you had a real vacation?” Rafael asked her.

“Too long.”

“Same here. But I’m glad we did this Liv, and I’m glad it’s with you. I can just be me.”

“Just don’t expect too much, I’m beat,” Olivia sighed.

“Ditto,” he smiled tiredly.

Olivia sat back allowing her head to rest against the cool glass of the window, watching the scenery pass them by. She turned to stare at Rafael briefly but his eyes were closed and so she took the time to really watch him. He hadn’t shaved and the stubble that had begun to form gave him a more striking appearance.

He’d certainly had a few more greys since they first met and had filled out a little, but he was still the handsome if somewhat arrogant man she first met and had grown extremely fond of.  She smiled thinking of those early days, especially the first time they were introduced.

Rafael opened his eyes then as if he heard her inner thoughts and looked at her. A small, lopsided smile on his face.

She smiled back affectionately before looking out the window once more.

His presence was comforting and they rode the entire journey in silence, both lost in their own private thoughts.

▪▪▪▪▪

Sunday. Utopia Hotel & Spa. Connecticut. 11:00 am.

“It’s beautiful out here,” Rafael said. “Peaceful.”

Olivia hummed in response.

They were walking, no real direction in mind. Both casually dressed; they were nothing like their former city selves.

“When I was growing up, I couldn’t wait to leave home. I could never just think. Papi, Mami…. always screaming, shouting and…” Rafael paused then, took a long slow breath and relaxed his hand that he had begun to clench into a fist.

“But you live alone now, all the peace and quiet you want,” Olivia commented trying to bring his mind away from that unhappy time.

“I hate it,” he replied somewhat bitterly. “It gets lonely. You are so lucky to have Noah, cherish him.”  

Rafael had spoken of his childhood to her in the past, but the candidness of that statement surprised her. She was glad he felt able to tell her that, honoured even and she wasn’t going to take that lightly.

“Oh, I know I’m lucky to have him, but sometimes it would be nice to have someone to share it with.”

She shrugged then suddenly dismissing the notion of a relationship with any man. Her last few attempts hadn’t worked out well, but seeing as he was being so open, she decided to be also.

“You have me,” Rafael said softly. He shoved his hands in his pockets then, kept looking ahead, and she swore he was blushing.

“Squabbling till we’re 85,” Olivia laughed lightening the mood.

“Most definitely,” he replied.

“I like the sound of that.”

▪▪▪▪▪

Monday. 3:00pm.

They must have walked for miles and still not left the vicinity of their retreat. There was always something to look at and as they stopped by a lake, Rafael stopped and stared at the view.  It felt strange being around him this way, they never spoke about work and their time so far had consisted of eating proper meals, long leisurely walks and sleeping. Slowing down seemed to be good for them, Rafael’s colour had returned as well as his wicked sense of humour.

They weren’t allowed any coffee except for Decaffeinated, which Rafael found completely offensive. Olivia laughed at his outburst when he discovered this.  So, they drank lots of herbal teas and water most of the time.

It was so easy being with him. No pretence. He was so different to Rafael Barba, ADA. She supposed she was different too. Here they were just Rafa and Liv.  They naturally came to a stop at a bench and they both sat down, watching the ducks swim. Olivia automatically scooted closer feeling his heat, linking her arm into his own. Several minutes passed before either spoke. It was Rafael that broke the silence.

“This job…. it takes away so much from you.”

“I know. I’m surprised I’ve lasted this long,” she admitted. “Fin too.”

“I think, he’s managed to get the balance right,” Rafael said.

“You might be on to something there. He’s been seeing someone for a while now. Seems really happy.”

“Good for him.”

▪▪▪▪▪

Tuesday. Hotel Restaurant. 10:00am

Rafael chose to have a Swedish massage, after leafing through the Spas brochure.

“What about you Liv…. what are you having?”

She shook her head almost immediately. Although they had done everything together these last few days, and a massage sounded great; there was no way she’d be undressing in front of total stranger. Even now she was still uncomfortable with her scars.

“It’s all free,” he added, still looking at the list on offer.

“Rafael, I can’t….”

“Sure, you can….” he replied distractedly.

“No. I really can’t…”

Realisation suddenly dawned on him as he put down what he was reading.

He’d worked on the Lewis case, knew exactly where each and every one of her scars were. It made for uncomfortable reading, and sleepless nights for many weeks but he never told her that. 

Rafael held her gaze. Her eyes were a little misty.

“What about a neck and shoulder massage instead?” He said gently, understanding the reasons behind her apprehension.

He waited patiently for her mind to process the implications in his suggestion.

 “Yeah. That could work.” She blew out a breath.

Rafael smiled. Such a brilliant and beautiful smile that she felt something in her chest loosen.

“Great. I’ll book us both for later this afternoon.” He leaned over and kissed her forehead and moved back so quickly that she wasn’t sure what happened. But her skin tingled at the contact.

Olivia felt suddenly very warm.

▪▪▪▪▪

Massage Therapy Room. 2:00 pm

They assumed they were a couple, and as soon as he realised Rafael tried to object at being in the same room as Olivia having a couple’s massage. There were two couches, clearly one for each of them.

“It’s okay,” Olivia said. She didn’t know when she got so brave. But it was Rafael. A decent and respectful guy. She trusted him.

True to her assessment, he turned his back as she slipped off her gown and lay under the covers with only her shoulders on view.  She turned her head when he did the same. When she felt certain he was under his own blanket she turned to face him. He was watching her and there was a moment for a split second where it was just the two of them connected.

“You okay?” He mouthed.

Olivia nodded. They stared at one another for a few more beats before his eyes fell shut as the masseuse began to work on him.

She closed her eyes too, and her last real though before she fell into a totally relaxed state between being awake and falling asleep was how glad she was doing this with Rafael.

▪▪▪▪▪

Wednesday.  2:45 pm.

She found Rafael that afternoon, lying by the lake. It seemed to be a favourite spot of his and weather had been warm all week. His eyes were shut, his eye-pod playing an upbeat song based on the vibrations coming from his earplugs. There was a folded-up copy of the local newspaper by his side under his left hand, his right slung over his chest.

Not wanting to startle him, she placed a gentle hand on his arm.

“Hey,” he replied. Eyes bright.

“I thought you were asleep.”

“No. Just waiting for you.”

She doesn’t quite know why those simple words made her giddy but they did.

“Yeah?” She tried to sound casual.

He sat up and took the newspaper then, turned a few pages, until he found what he was looking for. “Do you feel like going out tonight?”

She looked down at the newspaper. There was an open-air show in the next town. Live music, food. Tempting.

“It’s not too far away, if you’re interested,“ he added.

They discussed it and saw it as a good opportunity to check out the area, buy gifts and get some coffee. They were both feeling much better.

They had both also had another massage that morning. Together.

 “Do you feel up to it? You don’t want to wear yourself out.” Olivia wanted to go but had to be sure that he could manage.

“I feel up to it Liv. I’m sure.”

“Okay then, why not?”

“I’ll meet you later then?”

Olivia nodded. “Ok. It will give me a chance to talk to Noah before I get ready.”

▪▪▪▪▪

Hotel Lobby. 6:00 pm

Olivia didn’t know why she took longer than usual to get ready. She didn’t really pack anything too dressy but applied some makeup and pinned her hair up to go with her simple outfit of jeans and a sparkly blouse. She was glad she made the effort, when she saw Rafael. He looks fresh and well-groomed even in just dark trousers and a polo shirt. He wore a blazer which made him look even more handsome.

“You shaved.” Oliva placed a hand on his cheek.

“Couldn’t keep looking like a hobo. Besides, one must make an effort when in the company of a pretty lady,“ he said in his finest voice.

Olivia laughed.

Unexpectedly, he reached toward her and brushed a loose strand of hair behind her ear. The stroke of his fingertips on her cheek set off a heat that started in her ears, down her neck and into her chest. She felt herself blushing at the contact.

“You really do look pretty tonight.” His voice sounded strange.

“Thank-you,” she whispered.

Rafael placed a hand in the small of her back and led her out to the front of the building where their taxi was waiting

▪▪▪▪▪

The taxi drove them into the middle of the action. It was really crowded, so it made sense to hold hands so they wouldn’t lose one another. Neither questioned why they still held hands when the crowds lessened considerably.

They walked around this way most of the evening. Stopping to look at things of interest. Taking a break, they both ordered a cup of strong Colombian coffee and ate sweet pastries as they watched the world go by from the table of a small café.

Walking around some more, Rafael discovered an Italian Deli that sold the most unusual types of Pasta and Spaghetti. As soon as they saw it they said the same singular word in unison:

“Noah.”

They both laughed at the ridiculousness of it all but purchased several packets for the little boy to try.

“You’ll have to come by and have dinner with us one night,” Olivia said. “Noah hasn’t seen Uncle Rafa in quite some time.”

“I’d love to.”

Rafael brought Carmen a pair of earrings, which Olivia helped him to choose, and a silk scarf for his mother. They purchased a few more items, before eventually finding their way to where the live band was. Finding a good space, they ordered a bottle of wine and chatted casually in between the music.

“When was your last relationship Raf? I mean I know about Yelena, but you’ve never mentioned no one else.”

“There’s been moments,” he said. “I’m a man with needs just like any other, but no real long-term relationships.”

“Oh.” Olivia let her thumb circle the rim of her wine glass as she took this new information in.

“I guess I’m not the easiest person to get along with,” he admitted.

“I find you easy to get along with. I think you are a great guy.”

The wine was making her loose lipped, but she didn’t seem embarrassed by her words.

“Ahh, Liv…. you and I. What we have is different. It’s a mutual respect and understanding.”

“Mutual respect and understanding, ” she repeated. “What does that mean in English?”

Rafael smiled. “It means we get each other.”

“I think you’re right” she smiled, refilling both their glasses.

▪▪▪▪▪

11:00 pm

They spent the rest of the evening, drinking, laughing and joking. Olivia must have looked at him several seconds too long, because she saw a question in his eyes that she wasn’t quite ready to answer. His gaze was intense like he was really seeing into her soul.

Olivia shivered then unexpectedly, causing a plethora of goose bumps to race across her arms and chest.

“Are you cold?” He asked.

“No,” she replied as she shivered again uncontrollably.

“Here.” Rafael took off his jacket, draped it over her shoulders.

His hand lingered then before placing one hesitant hand on her cheek. She leaned into his touch.

“Liv….” His mouth suddenly dry.

“Rafa….” she whispered.

He looked at her before placing a soft kiss on her lips before he pulled away.

“Was that alright?” He sounded so unsure of himself.

“Yes.”

Olivia tilted her head up and kissed him again.

▪▪▪▪▪

11:30pm

The journey home was peaceful. Rafael held her hand and she let him.  When they arrived back at the hotel, he walked her to her room, both still clearly processing what had happened that evening. It was just a kiss (several kisses to be precise) and nothing more, but it was a big deal for both of them for different reasons.

“Night Liv.”

“Night Rafa. I’ll see you in the morning.”

She let herself into her room and once he heard her lock the door behind her, Rafael walked away. His senses were overloaded, and he didn’t think he’d be getting much sleep that night.

▪▪▪▪▪

Thursday. 1:45 am

Rafael was not sure what the time or how long he’d been awake but he couldn’t sleep. He, kept replaying the night before especially the kiss. He didn’t know what made him do it, but he was glad he did. He was scared Olivia was going to reject him but when she kissed him back he could feel his heart sing.

But then the doubts kicked in.

Doubts from long ago of being called weak, useless and a pansy. How no woman would want him. Yelena fed off his insecurities, messed him up for a long time. He always had trouble letting go of himself emotionally but being with Olivia made him want to try harder than ever before.

Rafael gets up then, he knows its late but he needed to talk to her.

▪▪▪▪▪

He knocks on her door gently, and she opens still dressed in the clothes she was wearing earlier. Her face scrubbed clean of makeup.

“I couldn’t sleep.”

She opened the door wider and let him in.

“I don’t want to screw this up. This means too much to me.”

Olivia opened her mouth to reply, but he held up his hand. “Please Liv, let me finish.”

She sat down then on the edge of the bed and he sits next to her. Held both her hands in his own.

“ I need to tell you about me, tell you about my childhood….”

“No. you don’t.” She knew enough to know it wasn’t great.

“Yes, I do,” he said firmly. “Being with me might be bumpy.”

So, she let him talk, not wanting to lose the spell they were both under. Rafael spoke softly and at times pained as he spoke in great detail about the physical and emotional abuse of his father. How it affected him; drove him to become one of best lawyers in the district but also stopped him forming healthy relationships so easily.

Olivia told him about her mother, her rape and her quest for justice. Some of these things she hadn’t shared with anyone. Not her therapist and certainly not Elliott. She told him about her mother’s drinking, the beatings and her feeling of guilt at the relief she felt when her mother finally died.

They spoke for hours, and when they were both too exhausted to say anymore they did the only thing possible.

They lay down together, side by side and fell asleep.

▪▪▪▪▪

Thursday. 8:30 am.

They both decided to forgo breakfast, content to lay in each other arms. They cuddled most of the night, falling asleep wrapped in each other’s arms.

Olivia woke up, but Rafael had beaten her to it.

“Hey.”

“Morning.”

“So, are we really doing this?” He looked bright and alert for minimal sleep. Olivia on the other hand felt shattered.

“Yes, we are,” she replied, her eyelids still heavy.

“What about tomorrow when we leave here?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t thought that far ahead.”

He’s still unsure of himself that much she can tell. She does the only thing she can right then and kissed him. Its long and slow, and she tried to convey just how much he means to her.

“I just don’t want to mess this up,” he said.

“Me either… one step a time okay? I want this too. Us.”

Rafael nods and kissed her again. Burying his face into her neck and pulling her closer.

She shivered again at the contact, goose bumps popping up all over her skin.

“Are you cold again?”

“No, just happy,” she yawned.

Rafael, pulled her into a hug as she fell asleep, her exhaustion finally taking hold. There was so much more he wanted to say to her, but now wasn’t the time. Instead he dropped a kiss on her forehead and closed his eyes too.

______

The End.

[bored-storyteller]

Okay, I humbly apologize. I had a bad time - and unfortunately it's not over 😩- but here's the second part with three other leaders. I know I know I know! Malleus is missing! I'll try to post Mal today too- tomorrow, it depends on where you are - I promise.

Please I know you love him so much but love me anyway 🥺

14- Dorm leaders x down!s/o pt.2

Kalim Al-Asim

· Kalim is magical and exhausting at the same time. Yes, s/o love him from the bottom of their hearts, but dealing with him in times of stress is exhausting.

· The young nobleman does not really know the stress, at least, for what s/o can see, and this leads him to overcome any worries. It's not that he doesn't want to see other people's problems, it's just that he can't think of them.

· S/o as the days go by they feel worse and worse. The head often hurts and tiredness brings them into a state of almost half asleep. If Kalim saw this he would be very worried about them, but their presence for him is a fact. He is convinced that if something went wrong s/o would tell him, right?

· But no. How could they say no to his requests? That is, actually there is not even time to refuse.

·  Jamil is worried. He sees what is going on and tries to marginalize the problems. S/o should rest, they could ask him for help - as if he wasn't already doing everything in the dormitory-. But s/o know that the vice leader is already very busy, burdening him with their study problems and their worries is not the case.

Having to deal with Kalim really means having almost never breath. Even his affection can sometimes be a problem.

Yes, s/o certainly love him, but three days before the start of the test session, the thing more than making them happy is shaking them.

They have studied practically nothing and really feel their strength failing. While everyone is studying carefully, they are struggling to finish their homework for the next day.

The nights for s/o are now nothing more than a staring at the ceiling in desperate search for information that does not exist in their head. And the lessons are so heavy in the morning that their hope of getting through the year is almost zero.

Sometimes the idea of dropping out of school even went through their mind. They would certainly be freer.

Right now, s/o they are hiding in the bedroom, surrounded by study books.

It doesn't matter how much they read and reread those words, their overfull mind wanders over their fears, not making them memorize anything.

There is no way they can overcome this. They curl up on the bed, clutching their knees to their chests and doing everything they can to keep from crying.

Suddenly the door swings open. Kalim comes in with his cheer, filling the room with his happy voice.

It seems that he is excited about something, but s/o can’t help but look at him with wide eyes without understanding.

His exclamations echo in their heads as if it were empty, breaking the delicate crystal walls.

"Stop!" They cry when even the last fragile column of their sanity is brought down.

"Stop!" They repeat, bringing their hands to their faces and collapsing supine on the bed.

"Stop it! I can't take it any more! If I continue like this I will go crazy!"

The arms cover the face wet with tears. They are not really shouting at Kalim.

He stops suddenly, a little frightened by that reaction.

What happened? Where did he go wrong this time?

When the silence weighs too much, they still speak: "I ... I need to get out of here, I... don't want to be in this school anymore. "

Kalim listens in silence for a few moments to their sobs, then slowly, shyly, sits beside them on the bed.

"No ..." he murmurs, "I will help you, whatever your problem is." His voice is that of an injured child, but his arms raise s/o to his chest, to hold them against him and protect them.

"Everything will pass, I promise you. But I can't be without you."

The fingers pass slowly through the hair of s/o while his crimson eyes scan the books around them.

Kalim's arms hold them desperately. Right, how could they leave him alone? In short, who would help Jamil then?

That thought makes them smile, and while s/o get up seated they give to the boy a simple and light "ok", and then they resume the study with a quieter mind.

Kalim no longer talks, but neither does he leave, he simply remains close to them a little to comfort them, a little for the fear that they will move away from him, until he ends up falling asleep on their lap.

Vil Schoenheit

· Here, another guy who made stress his life. Some type of stress. Obviously, he must meet expectations.

· This also applies to those around him, or rather, to those who are close to his heart. If he demands so much from someone, it means that he cares about them. In a sense, even his insult when it is constructive is flattering.

· But for an already stressed s/o, dealing with him is extremely anxiety-provoking. You have to be perfect, everything has to be in order, and for an already fragile mind, well, the step to break is not far away.

· Still, he bears a great deal of stress on his shoulders without showing it, but he doesn't notice that others can sometimes be overwhelmed, and his manners aren't exactly delicate when it comes to appearances.

·  S/o are almost afraid of him every time his eyes meet them. What will he say? What's wrong with them?

Yes, they know how important the smile is, but they can't do it. In the library they leaf through the book they hold in their hands with empty and dull eyes.

They don't have to look good, on the other hand disappointment for themselves keeps them up all night.

There is no way they can get through this period, not for how they are.

They sigh, placing the book on the shelves and giving up. They fold their arms on the table as they sit, and there they hide their tired faces.

S/o  would like to go into hibernation, everything would be easier. No commitment, no judging eye ...

"S/o, my dear." The firm voice of the Poemfiore leader makes itself heard. It is firm, severe even if placid.

What's up now? Oh sure. They are not sitting upright with their backs. Hair is probably a mess and their eyes have been ruined for days. They already know to suck, there is no need for him to say it. They already hate each other, and there is no need for him to see how ugly their sticky face is with tears.

S/o do not move, as if he were not there, they remain closed inside themselves, in such a state of surrender that not even Vil can grasp immediately. But he understands that something is wrong. It never happened that they ignored him.

 “S/o.” the name is repeated again, but this time it is accompanied by the delicate hand of the leader who touches the hair of s/o.

As soon as the fingertips touch the head, as if they were of fire, s/o spring back, scared as if they had a ferocious beast in front of them.

Vil stares at those eyes so full of fear. Afraid of him.

In their dark circles he sees all the suffering of those days, all the dozing sadness. And in that situation of desolation, they feared him as if he were their enemy, the one who wants to harm them.

"No… Please..."

A prayer comes out of their fragile lips as if he is ready to kill them. He's not sure if they're clear-headed... no, they seem to be in another world. A dark and lonely world.

Vil's white fingers caress s/o's chin. They do not retreat, but tremble as if they were blades.

"I won't hurt you. I'm just worried about you."

His words are clear, as always, but a little sweeter than usual. He patiently sits in front of them, without losing contact.

"You can tell me what troubles you."

Finally the gaze of s/o meets the beautiful eyes of the boy. Eyes so beautiful, admired, and at this moment sincere.

S/o they bend down again, resting their forehead on Vil's hand while holding it with theirs. There they cry, for once without the weight of the angry gaze, but only surrounded by affection, while Vil gently caresses their head.

Idia Shroud

·  Ok, how to say, this guy is made of stress.

· Idia fears the social relationship, people stress him, what is not his room and his computer stresses him. He is not an easy person to manage.

· S/o are practically elected. They are fortunate to be admitted to his. In short, they can remain curled up on his bed without him saying anything.

· Usually are s/o who take care of him, who try to support him and calm him down, but sometimes of course they are the ones who need support ... but well, Idia practically doesn't exist.

· It is not his fault, but even if he cares about s/o in a way that even he did not believe possible, he is not good at social relationships. Very often he will limit himself and stay next to them, still connected to the internet. They don't mind, usually.

But this time the boy's body isn't even close to them. He is far away, in the darkness of the room, illuminated only by the screens. Yes, they are not even totally sure that he is aware of their presence.

Ortho, to their disappointment, is not present.

S/o don't need to be there, but for some time now they have felt a lump in their throat that they can't swallow. They have failed a test, and there is no way to recover it, or so they believe.

The truth is that they are nothingness.

They have to study, but loneliness echoes in their head. Nobody wants them.

So they slipped from the leader of Ignihyde to find comfort. It would have been fine even if he had been silently beside them, but no, he was elsewhere. They had seen an excited light in his eyes when they arrived. Maybe chat with someone online? Of course, those friends are better than them.

A failure, a weight, that's s/o.

Small tears wet the already dimly lit page.

In the darkness in which they find themselves, they sink into the anxiety and fear that they have been holding inside for weeks.

That horrible feeling of emptiness that causes the brain to tilt.

Idia does not notice the sobs. S/o are hidden, curled up into a ball on the boy's bed. Nothing makes sense to them anymore. More they cry, more they lose consciousness of their surroundings, and everything disappears.

Idia is too caught up in his game. He does not really notice that s/o are not well.

Only when he turns enthusiastically to communicate something to them does he hear them.

Sobs are louder now, but they don't know it.

Heart breaks in Idia. How long have they been crying? Two hours will have passed since they arrived. Why didn't they speak?

Oh God, it's his fault ... he sucks with people so badly, and he always ends up hurting them.

Maybe they came to him because somehow they believed he made them feel good, didn't they?

He gets up from his chair, unsure of what to do. Embarrassed he approaches them.

God, they seem so fragile. Will he break them if he touches them?

Slowly, as if he were dealing with a kitten, he places his sweatshirt on them, and then, a little scared, he sits next to them.

They seem lost, s/o don't react.

Idia feels the butterflies in his stomach from agitation. Suddenly, it seems to him that the figure of s/o is fading away in the dark of the room. It's scary.

Shyly he stretches his arms around the small figure and carefully pulls them into his chest.

He feels their sobs freeze for a moment, almost frightened, and then finally the muscles relax, while they abandon themselves to him.

"Sorry, I'm a delusion..." They murmur, clinging to him.

So is this what they think?

"No ... you ... I ... find you beautiful ..."

He speaks shyly. He's not exactly that these words are what they need, but that's what he really thinks.

His cheek is warm against their head. Maybe he's blushing.

How can they not smile at this?