#if i had more thkughts its too late | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

nyxisnotafictive · 1 month ago

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a bit sorry to the folks who really didnt get involved with my situation at all and are just cut off because it would be too awkward and weird to hang out

though not a lot of effort was coming my way anyway if im honest, with maybe one exception- and even then i was sort of given up on. maybe my fault for not keeping up with what i wanted to keep up with. maybe my fault for not being able to put *my* effort into certain things

i dont know. im going to be hurt about this for a while because it's one wound reopening, and opening up wider, and splitting into so many other wounds, and combining with all kinds of other wounds

it's just hard to think about how no one ever wants to fight for me. no one wants to strive to do better for me. no one wants to askcme to stick around. it fucking sucks man

#honestly this is blurryposting but whatever #vent #ill start tagging these #dont take my word for it bevause im about to dissociate like crazy #but like the outweighing a real apology; a want to do better;#and a desire for me to stick around #would do to a block evasion #like. the bar is so fucking low honestly #it really is #i get worried im being too harsh but im fucking not #im hardly asking for anything at all #like. be normal about the fact that im upset and hurt and angry and hurt #and that im going to be loud about having feelings #and express at all that you want me around more than doing it once then disappearing #and you get so many fucking points #im sure in actuality i dont want the emotional stress of hearing from fucking anyone ever agai #but idk. maybe it'd be a worthy trade #idfk #ill dissociate and then come back and realize it doesnt matter #because no one cares and it doesnt matter that im out of their lives #because i was never in them in the first place and they never cared if i was there anyway #if i had more thkughts its too late #my brain is shutting down

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