#if i ever go through one of those “do i feel shame?” phases again just be like “Jerry” you dont even have to say from what. ill know

[thetangibleghost]

characters that used to make me so self conscious that I felt literally sick. Or filled with rage. or disgust. or fear. Just, very strong emotions.

[silent-browser]

Fuck it. Insane yandere with a noise sensitive darling.

The very first time he ever saw you scared was because of a particularly aggressive phone conversation he was having back when he still considered himself stable. It was also the first time he ever felt his psyche crack.

It was supposed to be date night. Going to pick out a some books in the library and then off to a small vietnamese place near by that had amazing pho. A perfect and quiet night out. A night was was interrupted and nearly ruined before it even got started.

Work. Always work. A crappy office with even crappier management. They tried to call him in.

You can cover so-and-so's shift can't you? You will get recommended for that higher position we were talking about last time if you do.

Rudeness at its finest. He explained politely that he had a prior commitment and that he can't come in.

If it's a partner I'm sure they wouldn't mind. After all it's more money in your bank account and you can just make it up to them later.

He still can't come in. He just wants to spend a relaxing night with his-

If you can't commit yourself fully to this company I'm afraid that we may just have to write you up for insubordination. Now you should really consider what's more important. Your lively hood or one insignificant person.

He felt like an explosion went off in his brain. He roared down the receiver of the phone. How dare they threaten his job. His income. His darling. Disgusting, awful things were said that night, including threats to sue and rip that whole company to shreds. That eventful phone call ended when he threw his phone at the opposite end of the couch he was sitting on.

With frustration and rage still swimming in his mind he started ranting. Growling and pacing his living room like a caged predator when he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. He had whipped around and was ready to rip into whomever touched him until he realized who was standing there as well as the expression on their face.

His partner. His lovely partner was standing there. Shaken. Scared. He didn't mean to make you scared. He's so sorry. Please let him hug you. You don't like certain loud noises? He's even more sorry. He wishes he knew sooner. Reassureances that an outburst like that won't happen infront of you again.

The second time he saw that frightened look on your precious face was when he went on trial for murdering three entire departments from his office.

He saw you in the audience of that trial. He wanted to catch your eye. Hopeing to get across the message that he would be home soon. Instead he saw raw fear and disbelief. And suddenly the extra time off he had gained through the murdering of all those people didn't feel like an accomplishment. It felt like shame.

The crying mothers and screaming loved ones never moved him. The guilty charge didn't get phase him. Life in prison even seemed preferable at the time. Anything to get him to stop looking at and remembering your terrified face.

The third and hopefully final time he saw that look, the one that haunted his nightmares and delusions now, was when he came back.

Prison really only did one good thing for him. Gave him time to work out. He had never been stronger or in better shape. Hopefully it was a shape you were attracted to, was a common thought for him during his time in prison. In every other aspect it only caused him to get worse. Nightmares of you running away from him, hallucinations of your voice telling him that you didn't love him anymore but worst of them all were the visions of your body, broken and bruised, usually accompanied by more auditory hallucinations of you telling him that this was all his fault. He was tortured by his own mind daily. So when he finally got out he made it his new life's mission to take care of his darling. Whatever the cost.

He had to be quiet when breaking into your new house. Loud noises scare darling. If I scare darling I'm an awful and unworthy boyfriend. Don't scare them don't scare them don't scare them.

He had to be careful when drugging you. Darling hates needles... But this is necessary! But darling hates needles... Please don't hate me...

He had to be confident leaving your house. Nothing to see here. Just a man with THE MOST WONDERFUL AND AMAZING HUMAN BEING IN HIS ARMS, and wrapped in a carpet. I hope they can breathe in there... Have I suffocated them!? Have I just killed my darling!?!

He had to rush to the car and speed off.

He keeps you in a cabin now. Deep in a forest. No news from the modern world reaches here. None of the reports of an escaped convict from a mental asylum (but that was allowed right? He escaped for true love after all.). No reports about his old boss being found in his home, gutted and torn apart with his heart removed (that heart would make a fantastic anniversary present! A show of his devotion and ability). No reports about the expartner of the infamous workplace ripper suddenly disappearing the same night as the asylum escape. (Better this way in his opinion. Those other FAKES didn't really care about you. They were only reporting it because the story would bring in some money. Hmm... Maybe he should visit that news station soon... Teach them the error of their ways...)

[spookyboywhump]

Omg I need more Nicholas manipulating cain. I think that's so funky. He's certainly a man.

He’s certainly a man! And Cain is certainly. Head over heels for that man. To the detriment of himself and those around him.

***

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” Cain snapped, dragging a hand through his hair in that way he did whenever he was anxious. Zander was on the floor, he barely had the strength to look up and see what was happening. Nicholas was adjusting his clothes after the beating he’d given him, all for not calling him sir, rolling his sleeves down and adjusting the buttons. He didn’t seem the least bit concerned about Cain’s outburst. “He was supposed to fight tomorrow, he can’t in this shape!”

“Don’t worry darling, just have the pup take his place, he should do fine.” Nicholas said calmly. He gave Zander a disapproving look, like he’d gone and put himself in this situation. “It’s a shame he had to act up at such a bad time.”

“No- Nicholas.” Cain said, taking a deep breath. He seemed genuinely annoyed with him, Zander wasn’t sure he’d ever seen him like this before, not since the pair had begun dating anyway. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t a little bit excited, like maybe he really was over this behavior from Nicholas, like he’d finally make him leave, not let him near either of them ever again. It was a stupid thing to hope for, but he couldn’t help it, hope was all he could have. “You can’t- you can’t just do this kind of thing without telling me first, he’s mine, I’ll give the okay if I think he deserves it and if I think it’s a good time!” He insisted. Nicholas almost seemed surprised by this reaction, but he didn’t let that phase him for long.

“My love, there’s no need to be so upset.” He said gently, slipping his arm around Cain’s waist and pulling him closer. Zander had a bad feeling just from the fact Cain didn’t pull away. “He has to learn to behave somehow, he can’t continue to be this stubborn.”

“I know-“ Cain started, sighing heavily.

“Really, it must be so stressful for you, having to deal with that all the time.” Nicholas told him. “Look at how worked up you are now, you need a break. I don’t mind dealing with him for you. I’d even take him off your hands for a while if you’d like.” He offered, Zander’s eyes going wide at that, he felt sick to his stomach.

“But, tomorrow-“

“Wren will do fine.” Nicholas assured him. “Let that one recover and think about what he’s done, and Wren will handle the fight. It’s going to be fine.” He said, and Cain did seem to relax.

“Right�� it’ll probably be fine, you’re right.” He said, hesitantly smiling at Nicholas, who kissed his cheek.

“I promise I am.” He told him. Zander knew that he’d lost again. Any hope he had of Cain changing his mind was gone, he didn’t know if it was that Nicholas was so good at convincing him or if Cain was just that stupid, either way, it was at the cost of himself and his own well-being. He didn’t know how much longer he could handle this.

***

“Why do I even have to go?” Zander muttered, looking out the window of the car so he wouldn’t have to look at either Wren or Cain. Normally he didn’t mind going along to watch Wren fight, but he was exhausted, and sore, and the last thing he wanted the day after a beating was to be told to put on nicer clothes and get dragged along to potentially watch his best friend get worse treatment than he’d gotten the day before. Right now, all he wanted to do was lay in bed and sleep until he was in less pain than he’d been in before.

“Because, you’ll be leaving with Nicholas.” Cain said bluntly. That certainly caught his attention, he finally looked at him, though Cain was hardly paying attention to them, fidgeting with his phone in the passenger seat.

“What?! Why?!” He snapped. “Wasn’t yesterday enough?”

“No, it wasn’t. Nicholas is right, you’re a fucking pain in the ass and he offered so nicely to take you off my hands for a while. Maybe you’ll learn to act right by the time you come back.” He said. Zander glanced at Wren who looked at him worriedly, but they both knew there was no changing his mind. Zander felt sick, this had quickly gone from an inconvenience to a nightmare and he knew there was no escape. He thought about trying to jump out of the moving car and just taking his chances but that had never worked well in the past, and it’s not like he could leave Wren. As far as either of them knew he’d be beaten and abused and tortured, but nothing worse than what Cain would let happen. He had no choice but to sit back and quietly accept his fate, even though the idea of the night ending absolutely filled him with dread.

[swagmother]

I’m having a big movie phase so here’s this weeks recap:

I started Pigsty by pier Paolo Pasolini over a week before I finished it and my first half of viewing I was quite sleepy and was off put by the dubbing that was going on and dialogue style but when I picked it back up I appreciated it more I thought the cinematography was great and the stories that were told were pretty interesting….. I think I will check out other works written and directed by PPP

Then I watched Cosmopolis which was pretty moderately adequate, I think David Cronenberg is clearly at his best when he’s doing body horror but he has my respect for making an occupy Wall Street movie starring Robert Pattinson about how no one has control in a world that grows ever more complex (in my opinion)

I also watched what many would consider a classic of sorts and one of the best movies ever made and I did like it but don’t feel like going into it because the creator is a piece of shit that should be lit on fire

I watched Garden State for the first time which was…. Fine… I probably would have loved it when I was 17 but believe it or not I’m actually 24 now and the only thing I truly loved in that movie was Natalie Portman because….. she rocks… I was also disappointed her character did not have a seizure???? Like as a former epileptic myself…. I need to see some seizures Natalie…..

Immediately after garden state, I watched the Cell, a uhh thing of sorts starring J-Lo and Vince Vaughn engaged in some surreal sci-fi serial killer thrills (wow!) but who cares…. Because this movie was so visually beautiful I kind of want to cry sometimes… the plot was like… fine, but to reiterate, very beautiful visuals costume and set design, color grading is also great and yeah it just felt good to watch this with my eyes and it’s a shame movies like this are few and far between….

Yesterday was actually pretty kooky because I saw puss and boots the last wish! And then I rested for 3 hours, and returned to the movie theater to see skinamarink…. Puss in Boots was quite enjoyable I’d say…. I think it lives up to the hype mostly. The animation is good, puss in boots gets a nice character arc, John Mulaneys big evil guy is pretty great…. i think the dog was hideous though that’s the only true flaw of this movie… one thing I’d say though, the first 10 min just made me miss shrek I guess? Like idk…. Just how shrek would treat minor characters or civilians or whatever was uniquely great and also funny and I feel like an attempt is made to capture this but it doesn’t completely succeed…. It’s a good movie though!

Skinamarink….. it’s not for everyone! I will say, … the movie mayyy be a little longer than it needs to be (for me) and I did get occasionally bored; but again, that only speaks to my “enjoyment” yk and we live in adhd times, but who cares about that! Art should be itself…. This was pretty spooky and definitely reminded me of how scared I used to be as a child… like it just feels like when you would watch one of those cryptid or alien or ghost hunting shows when you were 6 or 7 and lay awake scared to sleep, pining for the comfort of a TV or parent while complete silence surrounds you, looking through the crack of your bedroom door into a dimly lit hallway where even if something was moving in the shadows you wouldn’t know and you close your eyes extremely hard and pray whatever sporadic creaks and shifts in the house are meaningless, terrified because if your eyes open even the slightest smidgen you very well may get your soul obliterated by a ghoul or jump scared irl….. anyway, definitely will remember this one for a while, and very much look forward to future projects by the director/writer!

[bandedbulbussnarfblat]

Remembrance-Chapter 3

the next chapter of my Daniel/Armand fic. It's a season 1 AU where Daniel remembers the events of the devil's minion era. You can read it below or here

Louis talks and talks about Lestat. It's an entirely different story than the one he heard before. But he'll call him out later. Right now, it's best to let Louis tell the tale.

“It bears repeating, I did not consider myself a homosexual man at the time,” says Louis. “I mean, I had had experiences. Guilt, shame, floating-on-a-sea-of-vodka type encounters.”

Daniel can relate. He remembers his youth, before meeting Louis and Armand. He'd consider himself perfectly straight. If he had sex with a man it was either to get high or because he was high. Falling in love with a man forced him to come to terms with his sexuality. He supposes it did for Louis as well.

It isn't exactly easy. A week ago if you asked, Daniel would have said he was straight. If you pressed, he might have admitted to experimenting when he was younger. But the word bisexual would never pass his lips. It's jarring, but the fact the person he once considered the love of his life is a man pales in comparison to that person being a vampire.

“Obviously, I've come to embrace my sexuality,” says Louis. He's got that look on his face Daniel remembers, the one he gets right before he acts like a little shit. Daniel used to find it endearing. “'Course you know that. We met at a gay bar, didn't we, Daniel?”

“I was in my experimental phase,” Daniel says easily. He's not quite willing to say it was just about scoring, not to Louis. Besides, it's a little hard to sell heterosexuality to a guy whose cock has been in your mouth.

“Oh, a phase?” Louis says. He sounds like he's trying not to laugh.

Daniel shrugs. “I like women, and sticking to them was easier.”

It's the truth, pretty much.

“You've been married?”

“Twice,” Daniel answers, “But we're not here for me, are we?”

The evasion must annoy him, because he's back to being Mr. Molloy again when Louis speaks. “When you were using drugs, Mr. Molloy, do you remember the best you ever had?”

The memory springs to mind at once.

He's walking along down the long stretch of road that leads from Pompeii proper to the Villa of Mysteries. It's late, after ten, and Daniel is counting on luck alone that no guards find him. There's something wrong though, when he gets to to old houses. It's still, too still. There are no guards in sight.

Only Armand.

Armand who appears in the entrance. Armand, again. He's in denim jeans and jacket, the blue shirt beneath it cut with a deep enough vee to show off a tantalizing amount of collarbone. Daniel wants desperately for him to touch him. How he longs to kiss him!

Armand moves quickly and silently to him and wraps arms around his waist. This is not so new; at first Armand would do something like this to scare him, or tease him. But over time, they have become something akin to affectionate. At least, Daniel likes to think so. Normally, it only lasts a few seconds. Sometimes Armand will even brush a kiss against his face. Now, he kisses his mouth. It's only a bare brush of lips, hardly there at all. More a tease of a kiss than a kiss proper.

It still sends a jolt through Daniel's entire body. He wants more. More of those warm lips against his. Warm, Daniel suddenly realizes, because Armand has killed the guards. That should terrify him; instead a part of him thrills at the idea of being in the presence of such a dangerous creature.

“Would you like to go inside this house?” Armand whispers. Daniel wouldn't, not now. He feels so desperate he could cry. Fuck, he's trembling. He's so glad to see Armand again, to see him, to touch him, to kiss him. Damn him!

Armand moves and slips an arm around Daniel's waist and leads him inside. Locks mean nothing to Armand. It's comforting, the press of Armand's arm around his waist. It's a bit frightening, being out here alone. But he feels safe with Armand.

He feels safe with Armand.

It's a sudden realization; that Armand isn't going to kill him. That's not where this game is headed. Armand isn't going to turn him, but he isn't going to kill him either. But why? Could Daniel dare hope...

“But how could you not know such a thing,” says Armand, hearing the thought. “I love you. If I hadn't grown to love you, I would have killed you before now, of course.”

Daniel is standing in one of the most ancient places in the world, with one of the most ancient beings. The moonlight that pours in casts Armand's face alight, making his fiery eyes seem to almost sparkle. Daniel loves those eyes. Prefers it when Armand leaves them be, instead of wearing the contacts.

Daniel stares at the monster in front of him, this thing that looks and sounds human but is not. And like that, something shifts. Something that he's been frantically holding in place drops and Daniel sees clearly. He loves Armand. He loves his otherworldly eyes, and his unnatural stillness.

He loves him not because his seeming humanity, but because he is monstrous and beautiful at the same time. Loves him the way you can love only love evil, in that ghastly way that thrills the soul. And look at him! He isn't wearing his normal fashion of clothes. Daniel realizes at once that Armand must have stolen them from his victims. Not the guards, they wore uniforms. How many has Armand killed tonight?

Imagine, killing like that! Just sinking your teeth and stealing the life from another creature. How terrible that would be, and how wonderful. And isn't that just Armand? Terrible, and wonderful, and beautiful. But it's an illusion. He's evil. He's what Daniel wants to be. For a moment, Daniel can't stand to look at him.

Armand smiles a slight smile. He bends down as if to kiss Daniel and Daniel eagerly leans forward to meet him. Armand passes by his mouth and kisses his cheek, his jaw, his neck. Then, for the first time since that room with Louis so long ago, Daniel feels the press of fangs against his skin.

Yes, yes, do it!

Daniel wants to feel it. It had hurt with Louis, but Armand had told him once that it did not always. The way he explained it made it seem akin to the difference between sex and rape. Daniel is more than willing, he is aching.

The teeth puncture his skin. There's pain, sudden and sharp, but warmth also. The pain fades, until it's only a vague undertone that enhances the pleasure thrumming through his body. It burns so sweetly. Daniel's on fire and floating, filled to the brim with love. He must be dying; nothing could feel this good. “Am I dying?” he says, then “I don't care; don't stop.”

Armand laughs and pulls away. He's not taken much blood at all; Daniel doesn't even feel that faint dizziness he gets when he donates blood. His hands come to Daniel's shoulders and push him down. Daniel thinks it's to suck him off—and his mouth waters at the thought—but instead Armand bites into his own wrist and presses it to Daniel's mouth.

It's like drinking electricity. The taste is sweet like honey, but sharper. It feels amazing. At once he feels more alive than he ever felt. His body is a live wire. Daniel is buzzing and everything is enhanced and more. He swears he can feel the echo of the thousands of people dying together in the city. He can feel everything.

Daniel moans and clings to Armand's wrist, but Armand pulls away. Only allows him a taste.

Armand's hand comes to cup his face. “You're mine, beautiful boy.”

Had anything ever compared to that first drink of Armand's blood? Nothing else ever came close.

Daniel only hopes his face gives nothing away. He's developed a pretty good poker face throughout his career. It still takes him a second to say “Berkeley, 1978. Some Mexican black tar that Carly and Pedro were slinging.”

It's the only thing that ever came close and it was only a pale shadow.

Luckily, Louis is too caught up in his own thoughts to notice Daniel stumble. “So imagine that flowing inside your veins again.”

Daniel rather thinks he shouldn't. Hell, if he were twenty years younger he'd be hard just at the memory of it.

“Now multiply it by miles, to the rings of Saturn and back.”

Daniel understands what he means. Louis talks more about 'the little drink', about the feeling of intimacy it gave, and how he had never let himself be emotionally close to someone before. And Daniel knows exactly what he means. He was Armand's long before that moment, but that moment cemented it, made it irrefutable fact. He can only imagine Louis felt the same for Lestat.

Louis goes on to talk about how he avoided Lestat after than night. He speaks of his sister's wedding, of Paul jumping off the roof. Personally, Daniel thinks he could have waited another day to off himself. Sort of a dick move to do it at his sister's wedding. Thankfully, Louis isn't trying to listen in to that thought.

While talking, Louis moves to the window and looks out. He's back to being detached again. “That was the last sunrise I ever saw. Perhaps the kindest thing the dark gift has given me.”

Daniel doesn't exactly know what to say to that. If this were the old days, he'd try to comfort Louis. No, he'd let Armand handle it. Armand always excelled at navigating Louis' moods. As if the thought summoned him, Daniel hears Armand coming in. Doesn't look back at him. He can't, not with the memory so fresh. There's no way he won't be projecting his thoughts if he sees him.

“I don't miss the sun, the reminders it carries.” Louis steps out onto the balcony.

Daniel closes his laptop and follows him. He can't not follow him.

“I have seen death over and over and over and over again. It's boring.”

It's been too long; Daniel doesn't know how to comfort this creature he sees. Doesn't think Louis would even want it, really. “That'll make a great blurb.”

“The diagnosis you received, Daniel, it winds your clock.” Louis finally looks at him as he says it. “This virus has turned the world sideways.”

“I get it.” Daniel says. “I'm gonna die. They're gonna die. But not the vampire.”

“The vampire is bored,” says Louis. “The human was destroyed.”

Daniel knows he means more than just that his past self was hurt by Paul's death. Of course it's more than that. Louis would find that Paul's death hurt less with time, would equate the natural progress of healing with losing humanity. Because what was humanity, if not suffering?

It's the same bullshit he'd go through during one of his dark periods, those times when Armand would disappear for weeks at time to tend Louis then return. Sometimes, Daniel had went with him. Young Daniel had thought love enough to fix Louis. Older Daniel thinks he needs a fucking therapist.

Louis goes on, talking about how Lestat turned him and they eventually return back to the couch. Louis talks of Lestat's radiance of how he had sat in 'throes of increasing wonder.' Daniel has to admit; it certainly makes for a better story. Horrible, but romantic. If one had a fucked up idea of love.

“The end. The beginning,” Louis finishes, a single tear dripping down his cheek.

Daniel can recognize when something is too much. Hell, he needs some air himself. “I think that's a good place to stop for today.”

Daniel glances back at Armand. Wants to ask him to come make sure Louis is okay, but knows he can't. That would be giving the game away. Instead he says, “You here to show me to my room?”

Armand tears his eyes off Louis and looks toward Daniel. There's something there, a flicker of—what is it? Annoyance? Irritation? It's there and gone too quickly to tell. “Yes, follow me, Mr. Molloy.”

Daniel follows him down the corridors in silence. Armand doesn't say a word, but then, why would he? He's pretending not to know Daniel. He leads him to his door and says, oh-so-politely “Will you be needing anything else?”

There are so many things Daniel wants, but none of them are a good idea. “No, I'm going to sleep off this jet lag.”

“Goodnight, Mr. Molloy.”

Armand walks away, but Daniel can't help but call out “Hey, what's your name?”

Armand stops, glances back at Daniel over his shoulder. “Rashid.”

Rashid. It doesn't suit him.

“Goodnight, Rashid.”

Then Armand is gone, turning the corner and Daniel is in the guest room leaning against the door and breathing deeply to calm his nerves. He can do this. He can do this.

He hopes.

[veebs-hates-video-games]

I've been slacking on posting when I finish/give up on stuff again, so you get to drink from the firehose.

Everything is going to be OK: On the surface it's cute and silly in a kind of cartoony edgy way, but actually it's all about coping with adversity through absurdity (and poetry), whether that's depression or trauma or misogyny or the devaluing of artists or any number of other things. I haven't managed to do everything in it yet because it does not play nice with the Steam Deck and my desktop has no sound for a couple more days, but what I've managed to get through without it breaking is good.

KarmaZoo: I love the idea of a multiplayer game that actively uses game design to incentivize and require cooperating with other players and being nice to them. Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be anyone playing it anymore when I've tried.

The Legend of Zelda: Echoes of Wisdom: Most of my time with it was actually closer to when it came out, but this is when I've officially decided I'm done with it. I get along with it a lot better than BotW/TotK, but I still don't like the core design principles of the current phase of the Zelda series. Like I get why other people do, but they're just not doing much for me. I hardly ever feel like I came up with a clever solution to a puzzle, just threw random kludged together crap at it and it worked anyway, so it's not very satisfying. The handful of more challenging/interesting puzzles have been totally optional stuff like a few of the heart pieces. I think I'm done with Zelda until they get this out of their system and try something else in another 5-10 years, which is a shame because I've been playing and mostly enjoying them since the first one was the only one.

Be My Horde: Or what of it is currently finished anyway. Another bullet heaven game, this time with a dommy mommy necromancer. I like how it plays a bit differently from the typical stuff in the genre because of how everything is built around resurrecting the enemies you kill and ways to modify that ability, but how well it works in the end will depend on how much more they add to the base that's there now and if that manages to create some more interesting interactions and viable ways to build.

Pesticide Not Required: Also bullet Heaven, but this time it's...a hybrid with a farming sim? Also you're a frog. Sure, why not? Very silly idea that actually somehow works, fighting off bugs while growing crops, mining ore, and catching fish. Different builds ultimately don't feel very different (aside from focusing more/less on farming/mining/fishing), and a lot of weapon combinations ultimately end up playing exactly the same. Also for such a cute and lighthearted games the different frogs' abilities feel designed less in a "here's an interesting puzzle for you to solve" way like Halls of Torment's unlocks and more "screw the player and I hope you enjoy having stat nerfs that make the game feel bad to play". I say all that, but I still think it's mostly reasonably fun overall.

Golf Club Nostalgia (or Golf Club Wasteland, depending on where you look): Surprisingly more interesting than I expected. Post-apocalyptic golf (which I'm glad I played on "you can't lose" story mode, because I suck too much at it to even attempt getting par on some of those levels) with a not-so-subtle story that doesn't name names but is clearly about Elon Musk having destroyed Earth and now moving on to destroy Mars. The most interesting bits are the worldbuilding done through the radio station that plays in the background, both the songs and the stories people tell about the past.

Spitkiss: I really want to like it more than I do, and I actually did for the first couple chapters. It's I guess technically a puzzle platformer? Except about little guys who communicate through bodily fluids and emojis. This is not the first time something like this has lost my interest by adding moving creatures/enemies of some sort that make the puzzles a lot more timing-focused right after I started getting into it. Oh well. In conclusion, these bitches gay. Good for them.

Will The Man Get Frog: I had to find out what it was just from the name, and what it was is a PICO-8 haiku game based on very limited and randomly chosen words. I had coincidentally just been remembering magnetic poetry was a thing, so great timing with that. Great idea, fun to mess around with, and I could see myself keeping it installed and spending a few minutes with it here and there when I don't know what else to do with myself.

[downontime]

My Two Legs are Broken, But Look at Me Dance

I know at least two people I know personally who can see this, so I want to make this explicit: I am not in danger. I've been through this many times before, I'll do it again. It has just gotten easier to write than to talk now.

While riding back home with some friends, one of them brought up a very good point: I dealt/deal with all of the fear, pain, and shame that cancer brings, so taking on smaller ordeals pale in comparison. And this was very much the case during the initial phase of my diagnosis.

I, like so many folk, have depression that ranges from a fog to a typhoon. From still being able to laugh to wishing I stopped breathing. And during some of my cancer treatment, that largely stopped. Funnily enough, my suicidality was scared of the actual threat of death. My landlord had extended grace, a few family members and friends stepped up to support. I had things to be grateful for, including getting one of the more treatable versions of cancer and finally being able to feel almost normal on the non-chemo weeks. I was in maintenance mode and I did not have enough available resources for depression.exe to run.

This did not last very long, even during treatment. I'm looking through my notes now and seeing how much I broke down during the latter half of treatment. I read over the note in August of how I was awake crying at 4 AM wishing my mother was still alive so I could talk to her about how much I was suffering, even through I never fully opened to her like that before she passed. And now I am left in remission, grateful for the status but struggling with everything that entails. The depression and self-loathing is back and stronger than ever, latching onto the physical and mental setbacks the diagnosis and treatment left. I feel disconnected from cancer patients and communities even though I am only a month-long survivor and am at the highest risk for recurrence. I feel incapable to re-enter the world as I, my landlord, and those that depend on me need me to. I am stuck in limbo, too broken to ascend and too well to descend.

Throw in my growing feelings of dystopia around trying to get a job and what the rest of my life feels like it will feel like and I, in some ways, feel worse than when I was going through treatment. Like I went through the suffering to possibly have a future but I am too incompetent and afraid and depressed to actually have one. Is this just gonna be it? I get a job that pays just enough for me to lose my food and medical assistance and I can't afford the treatment when I relapse? I'm stuck being this fat and stupid and looked down upon in my professional and personal life, as I should be? I keep stressing and feeling like I am never enough and don't have enough in me to be a person or really enjoy things? What is the point?

What did I fight for?

[porcupine-girl]

I can relate to this in two different ways, one of which is closer to what you’re going through emotionally I think but the other of which is probably more useful.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in college. I won’t go into all the details of the in-between, but suffice it to say that just like every god damned person with bipolar disorder does at least once in their life, I was euthymic (normal, basically) for a bit, let my meds lapse, then when I stayed euthymic was like oh it’s fine I’ll get back on the meds if I need them. And then did not.

And for the last couple years of that phase I very much just needed someone to give me permission to need the meds again. To the point that I considered suicide attempts because then someone would see that something was wrong and tell me to get medical help. Because as long as I could hide it, it couldn’t be bad enough to warrant medical treatment. (I know, I know, but depression lies.) Unfortunately this doesn’t have an ending that is helpful to you because what finally happened was that when I was 5-6 months pregnant (a pregnancy that probably saved my life bc I couldn’t figure out how to attempt suicide without hurting the baby) I broke down in my OBGYN’s office and she got me to a psychiatrist and told me yes yes I give my blessings for you to get back on that med while pregnant, please just do it. And you’ve already had a doctor tell you that. But just so you know - I understand how you feel.

What might be useful though is the other times I’ve felt like I needed permission for things, and those are entirely bc of my ADHD. One trick executive dysfunction likes to play is to set up artificial barriers, often fueled by guilt and shame, that you tell yourself will make you more productive but in fact just grind everything to a halt. “I’m not allowed to do X until I’ve done Y.” “I’m not allowed to work on X right now because Y is more important,” “I can’t possibly start on project X until I am Fully Prepared for it which means doing all of Y preparations.”

Obviously sometimes these types of rules are necessary, but some people with adhd have a tendency to set them up when they’re neither necessary nor useful. So for example, for a long time my brain said “you’re not allowed to work on fanfic unless you’ve worked on your dissertation today.” And guess what happened most days? I did neither! All my brain could think about was fic, but I wasn’t allowed to do that, but it wouldn’t switch gears to dissertation.

Finally - and the only reason I ever got my dissertation done - I had to give myself permission to work on whatever my brain wanted to work on that day. And suddenly a dam broke and I was able to get fanfic out of my head to make room for the dissertation and I got both done!

Right now, it sounds like you’re setting up this kind of all-or-nothing approach. “I’m not allowed to Be Disabled unless I have all the disabled merch and am doing everything just right and have fully embraced this identity and dealt with all the implications.” So my advice would be that you don’t need to give yourself permission to do it all at once. Let yourself build this new identity one piece at a time. Work out a schedule to take the meds, but don’t start it yet. Let it sit for a couple days and see if it still makes sense when you look at it again. Buy one item off Etsy and see how you like it.

I’m guessing it will be a lot easier to allow yourself to do one thing, “just to try it out, see how it goes, see if I like it” than to do it ALL. Then each little step will help you get more comfortable with the next one.

If this does not sound like your problem please ignore me! Good luck either way ❤️

Waiting for Permission to Be Sick - Input Requested!

So, I got officially diagnosed with two chronic conditions last week. And the doctor explained to me the details of how these conditions affect my body, and what kinds of symptoms to look out for, and what I can expect life to look like going forward. And I got prescribed meds, and given detailed instructions for when to take them and any side effects I might experience and what to do to help myself feel better if I'm not feeling well, and all of that.

And I just. Haven't done it. I've started taking some of the meds, but not all of them, and like. There's no real reason for me not to? I'm just. Not doing it. Like I've looked up some products on Etsy to have like. Emergency medical info with me so that if I randomly black out or faint again in public, someone could see me and have info know what to do. And I've been looking at pins that say "I have an invisible disability" and aaaaaaaall sorts of stuff. Basically just window shopping for my chronic illness starter kit. But it's been over a week now and I haven't bought anything, and I seem to have convinced myself that I can't start taking my meds until I have all of my Items sorted out and prepared. And like -- there are some actual reasons for this, such as my schedule has been all over the place and my meds need to be taken at multiple times a day at certain intervals, and some with food and some without food, so I need to be able to have that stuff ready to go even when I'm out and about.

But I'm not. Actually doing the work to get everything sorted out and ready? I'm just window shopping. And today, I have been very tired all day because of the rain and because I did too much yesterday, and my head has been hurting because I'm still not over my concussion and I also probably did too much today, even though honestly all I did was go to one class and observe the whole time, and read a couple of emails. And I thought to myself, "well I guess I should take tylenol for my head, and I guess I can give myself permission to do that since my boyfriend is busy and can't tell me to take care of myself --- oh."

I have been waiting for someone to give me permission to identify as chronically ill! Even today I was like "I feel like I've managed to convince myself that I feel worse than I actually do, and I'm actually fine." Even though there would be no real reason for me to be doing that. And like. My head actually hurts! I really did and still do feel tired! And I've seen my test results, and I know that I have a chronic condition. It's been medically confirmed by a bunch of different tests, and multiple medical professionals have been like "yep you've got something wrong with you" (though using more professional and kind words, of course). All of this to say -- I have been waiting for someone to tell me that I am ill and it is chronic and that it is okay to spend money on taking care of myself and things that will make me feel better, even if it is only temporary like the excitement of buying a new pouch that says "This Bag Is Full of Drugs" specifically to keep my medical supplies in, or something to help keep me safe going forward like a medical alert key chain. The only question now is -- what do I do about this? How do I give myself permission to need help or extra accommodations or even just some medication when I never want to admit that I need or want help? I'm so used to being self-sufficient and doing everything by myself that I don't know how to be okay with more problems.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? What do you do? How do you learn to be okay with the fact that your body is not going to go back to the way it was before? I am only 22 and it's hard to accept that my life is not going to look the way I pictured it when I was 18.

[rambling-addict]

Ranking my favourite Avatrice moments from season 1-2…

a.k.a I have nothing better to do again.. a.k.a I miss them already… a.k.a I did it for Raylla, so I’m doing it for Avatrice too ;)

Just a quick BEWARE: Long post.

And without further ado:

#1 THE KISS SCENE. I don’t really need to say more, but I will, because look at them. This scene definitely takes top spot. It’s such a powerful scene, where both of them had finally let down their guards. It was the softness in Ava’s face and the surprise in Bea’s face, the craving in that brief kiss, the need to chase the feeling after the high, and that reluctant acceptance that this may be their last chance of feeling it all. It’s a rollercoaster of a scene that makes you wanna smile in glee and cry in frustration of what’s to come.

Also, “In the next”.. No words have ever hit me as hard since “May we meet again”. Some things, we don’t want to end and we cling to it desperately. But alas, it does. And so instead, you hope for “maybe someday”. “In the next life, may we meet again.” *dead*

…

#2 THE “I LOVE YOU” SCENE. I debated putting this as 1 or 2, because it’s a milestone confessing your feelings, but this scene was also bittersweet. At first, I was screaming for Beatrice to say it back immediately… but as I watched it again, I realised that she needed those few seconds after Ava said it, to finally accept what those words mean. Beatrice has been emotionally-repressed for probably most of her life. She was ashamed of who she is, and craved for validation. And so for someone to say that they love her, Beatrice took awhile to receive and give back those words.

What I love so much with this scene is how they cling to the last vestiges of what it feels like to touch each other. And Bea smiling back at Ava, despite the pain she feels. *dead again*

…

#3 THE FALL SCENE. A more lighthearted, but slightly dramatic moment— where Ava is classically Ava and Beatrice being the overprotective and anxious gf. These two are shameful for this overly sweet PDA, but slightly respectful in the sense that they probably would’ve kissed if Mother Superion wasn’t there. If anyone had any doubts about Ava reciprocating Bea’s feelings, this scene is a slap to those doubts. It evens slaps Michael in the face, lol. Like, “oh, she’s taken”. Ava has fallen, definitely—both literally and figuratively.

Also, if Mary was here (which she should’ve been), she’d probably be strolling over casually when Ava fell and be like “Relax, Bea. I pushed her down a cliff higher than that. The little shit’s okay.” It would’ve been a great comedic relief. But I guess I’ll take this sweet and dramatic scene.

…

#4 THE OG STARE SCENE. Yup, this is like #3, but in the baby Avatrice phase. It’s awkward, but electric. It’s an eye-opener for these two and there’s definitely an obvious spark. I’m sure this was one of the moments that took away the doubts of fans still questioning if they should ship them or not. Like, look at them. You don’t stare at someone like that and caress their face while your face is centimetres away. *ahem*supercorp*ahem*

Besides, when Ava said she managed to phase through successfully is only because of Beatrice… like c’mon. I knew I was a goner at that point. This scene would be tied with what I’ll call THE CATACOMB SCENE, because of the similar stare and show of trust. And that damn quote they keep exchanging.

…

#5 THE HALO SCENES a.k.a. “Brace yourself, Michael, you’re gonna get blasted off again”. So we see Ava unconsciously using the halo to protect Beatrice in s1. And in s2, we have 2 scenes, but Ava being more in control. And I find it so hilarious that Ava can’t seem to protect anyone but Bea. She has a one-track mind when she’s on protective mode. Others be damned, lol.

And bonus scenes, we get the worried gf hug… then Ava carrying Bea away. Adios Miguel.

…

#6 THE BADASS BEATRICE SCENE. This is classic “if you want to get to her, you’re gonna have to go through me”. Bea to the rescue, and Ava being Ava, stating Bea is a badass. And yup, Beatrice is truly a badass. I’m thinking everyone whooped and yelled when they saw her on screen. I know I did. So yeah, such an iconic scene.

Fierce cinnamon roll. Reminds me so much of Lexa.

This spot is tied with THE CATHEDRAL BASEMENT SCENE, where Yasmine was in awe watching Ava fight… and Bea affirms Yasmine’s statement about how incredible Ava is. Safe to say, I think Bea meant not just in fighting.

…

#7 THE JEALOUS PUPPY SCENE. I loved this scene so much… even more than the scenes where Beatrice is pining for Ava. We all knew Bea had feelings for Ava, and she’s so sure that it’s probably unrequited. But then we get this scene, and it’s like rainbows and unicorns appeared. The hot girl talking to Bea has stoked the fire, and when Ava interrupted them, the girl put even more fuel by leaning in to whisper in Bea’s ear. And my my, it was so satisfying seeing Ava so visibly jealous at the beginning of the season.

Another thing… Ava messing up the drinks and snapping at the customer is gold. Then, she asked Bea what hot girl said. Ava basically ticked all the jealousy checklist, and I live for it. Lol.

…

#8 THE CHEEK KISS SCENE. Ah, domestic Avatrice is such a nice change from all the chaos of s1. It’s been two months and you can really see how Avatrice evolved. It’s in the little things like this—where Ava is completely at ease with showing her affections and Beatrice gladly receives them. Bea didn’t even flinch when Ava did that, which means this isn’t a new thing that Ava’s done. I bet the little shit always does this, and that’s why Bea has to take a deep breath afterwards… because it’s too much at times.

And that look Hans gave, that Beatrice noticed. I don’t think it’s because he’s jealous Bea got promoted before him. I’d like to think it’s because he knows something’s up with Avatrice. He’s curious, and he definitely knows Bea is biased towards Ava.

…

#9 THE BAR SCENE a.k.a. Ava’s awakening. I think we can all agree that this was probably the moment Ava realised she’s got more than friendly feelings for her best friend. Beatrice wasn’t even dancing seductively, but Ava had that look in her eyes. That intake of breath when she was staring at Bea—it’s like she lost her breath because her heart was on her throat threatening to dislodge and offer itself to Bea. Ava was truly captivated.

And Beatrice… oh Bea, you’re so whipped. You’d think she would have more resolve to stay true to her vows, but nope—Ava asks, Ava gets.

…

#10 THE FIRST HUG SCENE a.k.a. Bea’s gay reawakening. Like we’ve said, Beatrice is emotionally-repressed. She will not show affection if it’s not initiated first. This may be the first time someone has actually hugged her… and it’s a new girl, not one of her sisters. You can definitely see the panic in her actions.

Poor baby doesn’t know how to react, lol. Gay panic Bea, and oblivious Ava… classic trope.

…

So that’s that. Would’ve gone on and on if tumblr didn’t have an image limit. I would’ve included every single Avatrice scene. I just have a lot to say, okay! Avatrice gives me so much feels.

Can’t wait for season 3!

[starryknightwrites]

Some Thoughts on ‘Chameleon’ and Why They’re Both Right

(and wrong)

I missed the initial ‘Chameleon’ drama and I feel very lucky for that. But now with Lila becoming plot relevant again, I fear the fandom is in for Chameleon Part 2. I wanted to explore and validate both Marinette and Adrien’s approaches and why their weaknesses are also their strengths.

Firstly, there is Marinette- who decides it’s best to expose Lila for her lies and manipulation ASAP. Lila is a personal thorn in Marinette’s side. Marinette and Ladybug are nothing but a roadblock to Adrien in Lila’s eyes and she treats them as such, slandering Ladybug’s name increasingly and inconveniencing Marinette to be closer to Adrien.

In defense of Marinette, this isn’t just personal and her position is understandable.  She has watched Lila steal, lie to manipulate those around her, throw Ladybug under the bus to appeal to Adrien and toss his belongings in the trash. All valid reasons not to trust Lila and to be concerned about her classmates.

Her main purpose for exposing Lila is not to make Lila suffer, be ridiculed and dragged through the streets. It’s because she sees someone actively manipulating her friends and classmates, knows what they are capable of and wants to prevent further harm. Notice she doesn’t stop trying to reveal Lila once Adrien understands she is a liar or when he isn’t present. That wouldn’t be the case if all Marinette cared about was her personal Adrien-related vendetta. Marinette cares about her classmates and she knows Lila is taking advantage of them.

Marinette feels that she, the only one with this knowledge, has a responsibility to speak up and to share it- a value that her parents have no doubt instilled in her. This is also in line with her finally taking a stand against Chloe after so many years. Marinette is in her “take no shit” phase and nothing in the way she was raised has ever suggested to her that she should have to stand for/cover for a malicious liar.

I’ve seen Marinette be called an intrusive meddler for this, but people who speak up when they know something is potentially harmful instead of standing on the sidelines, squirming and waiting for crap to hit the fan are a necessity. And Lila brought this on herself by lying in the first place- it was bound to catch up with her.

But... Marinette isn’t thinking her actions through either. Her intent is understandable, but her approach is heavy handed and worsened by her initial anger.  She doesn’t try to approach Lila person to person first, rather she barrels through and calls her out as Ladybug- a mistake that follows her throughout the series because Lila holds a mean grudge. She doesn’t consider quietly informing her classmates and instead gets ahead of herself and jumps to make multiple attempts at publically exposing Lila- which only makes her look like an ass and makes a strong enemy out of Lila. She doesn’t even consider building a case against Lila first because- as it is- she doesn’t have adequate proof. She and Adrien only have personal experience to go off of. Anything else is their word against Lila’s.

Additionally, it’s true that Lila is a little psychopath in the making, but Marinette doesn’t know that. If Lila truly was just a lonely girl seeking attention, public exposure wouldn’t be the best route. Public exposure gives Lila an easy deflection tactic, putting the blame on her “mean classmates who humiliated her” instead of herself. It also never extends a hand to say “Hey, what you’re doing is wrong, but it’s not too late to stop. You can still be welcome here.” As we’ve seen, Lila is too far gone for the latter approach, but Marinette didn’t know that when she jumped on the offensive. If the series went in a different direction and Lila was successfully exposed and received a saltfic worthy shaming, I doubt Marinette would feel very good about herself once she settled down. Even in ‘Volpina’, she admits she was too harsh and apologizes.

Speaking of the more gentle approach...

It’s important to note that Adrien and Marinette occupy very different places in relation to Lila. Marinette is a roadblock. Adrien is the objective. Lila has made it clear that she wants Adrien to like her from day one. He’s in a position of power here and, being who he is, he’s decided to use that for good. Adrien wants to be a voice of reason to her and set an example.

Adrien takes a very humanistic approach with people. He doesn’t stop at their actions or take them at face value. He looks for the ‘why’ and what makes them tick. He looks for underlying reasons and he often leans toward the more vindicating ones. He concludes that she is the lonely new kid in need of attention- something he can relate to- and resolves to address the problem with an offer of support and friendship.

 I wonder why Adrien defaults to being the example and the healer when someone wrongs him, even when all signs point to a red flag the size of Antarctica...

Adrien believes that shitty behavior can be repaired if you just love someone hard enough. That’s clear in relation to his father and, while we don’t know a lot about Emilie, we can ascertain her influence on him through the snapshots we get of her through out the series and how Adrien grieves her.

In the Christmas Special, Chat Noir is angsting so hard, he is about to catacylsm the city Christmas tree out of pure spite until he thinks of his mother.

Everyone views Emilie as practically an angel- someone who holds everything together. She strikes me as a ‘smile though your heart is breaking’ type of person, a person who projects encouragement and positivity. She puts that pressure on herself and, in turn, puts it on others.

In ‘Passion’, we learn that Emilie saddled Nathalie with the heavy task of keeping Gabriel’s focus off of the Miraculous and becoming a mother to her son. That’s a lot of pressure. I would not be surprised if she signaled to Adrien at some point that he was responsible for keeping positivity alive in that house and for his father’s happiness.

With this kind of upbringing, is it any mystery why Adrien constantly considers others at the detriment of himself and avoids conflict like the plague?

He doesn’t need to “suffer for his crimes”. He needs therapy and healthy boundaries. Adrien clearly doesn’t like Lila lying or invading his personal space.

He is not Lila’s therapist. He is entitled to set boundaries with her, refuse her friendship and even warn his closest friends about her. His choice to placate rather than act here isn’t necessarily a good one and is representative of how self sacrificing or passive behavior can often negatively impact those around you.

But... he’s not all wrong. His unique humanistic perspective is incredibly useful and, had Lila been that lonely girl, his approach would have been the right call. You can argue that it was still the right call regardless just from a logical standpoint. Marinette didn’t have adequate proof and she made more trouble for herself by attacking Lila head on without thinking her actions through.

Empathy and diplomatic approaches are the answer sometimes- often even. It is trendy nowadays to throw an entire person away for one slight, to see them suffer and pay publically. This trend just begets more bullying and horrid actions. Adrien is able to look outside of actions and see the humanity motivating them underneath. This is likely part nature and part survival tactic. This is what’s keeps him from turning into a more bitter, hardened person.

He slips sometimes like anyone does, but his empathy is powerful and I hope never loses it, but rather learns how to balance it with more healthy habits and boundaries. He’ll need his humanistic approach for when he faces his father’s true nature, not for Gabriel’s sake, but so that he doesn’t let his anger eat him alive.

Let’s also remember that Adrien doesn’t know everything Marinette does. He doesn’t know Lila stole his book and threw it away. He doesn’t know she threatened Marinette in Chameleon. He wasn’t even in the cafeteria to see her manipulating the class into being her personal slaves.

What’s important is that, once Marinette and Adrien see that there are problems with their original approach, they adjust, taking on aspects of the others’.

 Marinette takes what Adrien says to heart and didn’t try to publically expose Lila after ‘Chameleon’. Adrien reached his limit once he realized Lila was being malicious, setting boundaries with her at the end of ‘Oni-chan’ and making the deal with her in ‘Ladybug’ (which was still pretty self-sacrificial but... he’s on a journey).

It’s funny that people give Adrien such a hard time for his lack of action in Chameleon or with Chloe when it is that exact empathy that allowed him to understand and support Ladybug in the Season 4 finale.

The Adrien who would easily yell at and expose Lila after Volpina/Chameleon is not the Adrien who would easily forgive Ladybug for keeping him in the dark all season. It’s just consistent characterization.

[sirthisisa-wendys]

Minx: Yasuhiro Muto x Fem!Reader

synopsis: me and @thehypestdeano were talking about this earlier, but brat tamer mucho is such a vibe. Especially with his daddy look in the Toman Exec meeting (got a girl sweatin in her joggers omg)

wc: 1k

tw: smut

masterlist

Another condom with a hole in it.

Mucho can't seem to escape your finicky ways, from your discarded birth control to your removed IUD, and now... this. For weeks, he'd been taking this behavior from you for multiple reasons. His main reason was that you're just "going through a phase". You'll stop this soon enough.

He just has to wait you out.

Except "waiting you out" seemed to be like waiting for you to do something even stupider than poking holes in condoms and playing around with the things he paid for, the things you agreed to.

"Sweetheart," he calls out, holding the still-wrapped condom in his fingers. "Can I see you for a second?" You come into the living room cheerfully, watching Mucho take off his shoes - laces first, never slip them off from the back - and then taking your designated place in his lap.

"How was your day, my love?" you murmur, kissing him on the cheek and snuggling in close as his arm snakes around your waist.

"It was good," he begins, noticing you don't seem to acknowledge the condom in his hand. "Were you good today?" You nod, placing tender kisses on his neck and moving to loosen his tie. As soon as your fingers undo the knot at his neck, he holds the condom between his index and middle finger. "You want to talk to me about this?"

You light up at the sight of the item, but when he flips it over to show you the minuscule hole in the back, your face drops a little.

"Oh no," you murmur sweetly. "That's awful! Who would do that to--"

"Don't lie to me, babe." His grip tightens a bit around your waist, and you inhale softly. "Tell me what happened."

"Yasuhiro, I really don't--" Mucho grunts, pulling you into a straddle and looking you in the eyes. You crumble instantly, hanging your head in shame. "I poked a hole in it."

"Why would you do that?"

"I..." As you trail off, Mucho tilts your chin up with a single finger, examining your face. "I just want to have a kid..."

"I thought we agreed that being parents isn't something we want to do," he sighs, pushing his dark hair past his ears. You nod, pouting slightly as he sighs. "I thought you just wanted to feel my cum inside of you, so we got the birth control and then the IUD... This is a last resort since you stopped taking both of those, you know."

"I know..."

"So maybe we should stick to this. Unless you don't want to have sex anymore."

"No!" Your hands fly to his chest and grip the fabric under your fingers. "No, Mucho, don't..." Without warning, Mucho flips you onto your back on the couch and flips up your flimsy miniskirt.

"As I thought," he hums, running his fingers along your underwear slowly. "You get off on this... don't you, princess?" You whimper as his fingers rub against your slit roughly, but all of that is soon forgotten. He pushes the thin fabric aside and slips a finger past your puffy lips, the digit sinking deep into your cunt. "Stay still."

"Oh my god," you gasp, trying not to squirm. "Y-Yasuhiro..." He fingers you in silence, his eyes locked with yours as he moves inside of you deftly. "Please, give me more." Your pleas go unheard as Mucho closes his eyes and rests his head on your stomach. He seems to be deep in thought while he fingers you, but you reach down to tug on his wrist, praying that he would just give you one more finger to stretch you out.

"Keep still," Mucho warns you again as his eyes snap open. "I'll give you what you need; bad girls don't get to boss me around." A lone tear slips from your eye as he adds another finger, angling them both upward and massaging your g-spot. You cry out in pleasure, hips jerking ever so slightly before Mucho presses a hand down against your lower abdomen, keeping you motionless.

Your fingers attempt to reach your clit as Mucho hovers above you, his lips slightly parted. "Such a pretty thing," he murmurs, swiping a thumb over your tear.

"Yes, yes, yes," you pant. "Make me cum, make me cum." Everything in you reaches for that final climax but just as you feel yourself tipping over the edge, Mucho pulls his fingers free, pressing them against your clit. A gasp wrenches from your throat and you desperately try to get him to remove his fingers; babbles and nonsense falling from your lips as he shakes his head.

"No, no, no..." he replies, holding his fingers firm. "You cum when I say you cum, understand?" You nod desperately, but a hand reaches up to grab your jaw roughly. "Answer me."

"Yes, sir," you answer. "I understand."

"Good girl. If you can handle this punishment, then maybe we'll see about you getting your dick privileges back."

Fifteen minutes later, Mucho has you in a sweat and begging for release. Tears stream down your face as he watches, bringing you back to the point of cumming time and time again.

"That's it," he huffs, smoothing his free hand over your propped-up leg. "I want you to feel it this time. You can cum now." It's as if Mucho's broken the spell over you and your hips roll against his palm while he coos at you sweetly. "Give it to me, baby."

The orgasm is powerful enough for you to forget your name, where you were, and why you had been denied in the first place. It seemed so strong that your toes curled, your mouth opened wide, and it even sounds like something wet is hitting the wood floor. Mucho kisses your ankle, your calf, your thigh as you squirt on his hand, hips jerking gently under his touch.

"That's perfect..." The words are whispered in your ear while you come down from the experience. Every muscle in your body begins to relax and Mucho pulls his thick fingers free, sucking on them briefly. "I hope you learned your lesson this time," he adds, standing up. "I won't be as forgiving next time."

[multiples-fandomswontkillme]

~Metal Family headcanons~

These are like my... general hcs)? which means I didn't include my main hc that Glam, Ches and Vicky are polyamorous, married and started dating after Glam met Vicky, and absolutely everything that implies for the kids and the relationships between each member of the fam. Maybe I'll make a separate post for that or maybe not! Who knows lkfwnlfqnf

Glam

Bisexual

Glam has constant nightmares and ocasional night terrors ever since he ran away home and is an active sleep walker. Ches helped him through the worse ones when they were younger, and learned how to deal with them, always preferring not to wake him up but being with him until the episode passed. Vicky has learned how to deal with them, though she normally asks Ches for advice with it cuz she comes out short sometimes.

He has PTSD. I bet it's diagnosed too, he takes medication and goes to therapy, it doesn't mean he still doesn't have his bad days anyway. He's trying to get better.

Glam has talked to Vicky about his past, his father and his family. This is a direct contradiction of Alina's confirmation that Glam doesn't talk about it with anyone but man FUCK THAT. We love good communication in this house, Vicky tries her best to help him, but there's only so much she can do to help.

Glam enjoys gardening, cooking and making models, he also likes doing his make up, painting his nails and dressing up in fancy, extravagant clothes even if he has nowhere important to go.

He likes taking care of everyone's hair, and constantly helps Vicky brush her hair cuz there's so much of it, Dee when he gets stressed over how tangled it can get, buys Ches hair products so he actually takes care of it, and chases Heavy so the kid actually washes, untangles and brushes his hair.

This one is kind of weird, but I refuse to think any adult in the family is unarmed at any time. Glam owns a taser and pepper spray. They're bright pink and sparkly.

This man cried his eyes out while watching Coco. He's hell to watch movies with cuz he talks and predicts what's gonna happen during the movie, judges them with scores at the end and all.

Vicky

Also bisexual!

Vicky's the one who does everyone's laundry most of the time. She prefers it that way since she's the only one that knows how to wash their black clothes so the colors stay vibrant. (This is based on my gf shaming everyone but Vicky cuz their black clothes always look so muted and almost gray, but Vicky's whole outfit is always the same vibrant black colors, so we decided that neither Glam or the kids know how to wash dark clothes)

She has anger issues, if it isn't obvious. I think she also has PTSD, mainly survivor's guilt due to her surviving the accident her brother died in. She blames herself and cannot bear to talk about it, in some sort of deep denial. If she can't remember, it can't hurt as much, right?

She has scars on the right side of her back and her hip, from the road rash she got on her brother's accident, she never treated it due to grief and it scarred badly. Apart from that, the scar of the caesarean section from Heavy's birth. She doesn't really mind both of them, they happened, nothing to do about them.

She likes watching boxing competitions, brawling matches and motorcycle repairing on TV. Loves doing BBQ's and going to the pool. Also an enjoyer of teasing her kids, kissing and loving her husband at random times, spending time drinking and bonding with Ches and bragging about her family and punching anyone who thinks they're not that cool.

Not particularly a fan of make up, skirts and dresses or any traditionally femenine-perceived stuff. But has been making exceptions due to Glam and Ches being unashamed of being seen as femenine, and actually rocking the looks. The internalized misogyny is kind of slowly dissapearing.

Apart from the guns she carries in each arm (I mean her biceps, have you looked at the size of those?? She strong) she has brass knuckles on her at all times. Glam gifts her new ones sometimes, she loves having multiple choices to punch people teeth in.

Loves horror, thrillers and action movies. Falls asleep during rom-coms and dramas. Ironically, loves gossip and talking shit about people. Enjoys hearing Ches talks about the gossip going on in the nursery home even if she doesn't know who the hell he's talking about.

Rest of the family under the cut!

Heavy

Heavy is a trans boy! He doesn't know his sexuality yet though, he's still figuring himself out. When he's older, i think he definitely dated some men but had better luck with girls.

Heavy has had innocent crushes on some girls on his class before, but they never turn into anything more cuz he's not the best at expressing himself. He follows the bother-the-girl-to-death-until-she-hates-you gimmick, and unsurprisingly, it doesn't work.

I'm sorry to break this to u but Heavy totally had an among us phase, and uses so much reddit and twitch slang... You know he does.

Likes bullying and teasing his brother to death. You know that when Dee had his first romance, Heavy was ALL up in his business being a tease and a bad attempt at a wingman. He means well tho.

He's not squeamish at all. Also has great pain resistance. This kid has picked cockroaches with his bare hands and loves cats, of course the cats have scratched him. He's tough!

Grows up to be the charming himbo he was always destined to be.

Dee

I hc him as demisexual. Kind of inherited his dad's tastes for the takes no crap, intimidating but pretty kind of people.

Can't cook. He tries but he can only do basics like rice, cereal, chicken nuggets or eggs. Complicated meals always burn or don't taste like anything at all. It drives him crazy.

Dee was a quiet and very well behaved toddler before Heavy was born. He never threw tantrums or got whims. After Heavy was born though, and despite the fact he understood his brother was small and needed special care, he started craving attention often and cried and got mad at little things. Typical jealousy of the oldest sibling.

The first time Dee fell in love with someone, he didn't recognize it was love at first. He just thought his interest on the person was born out of curiosity and aesthetic attraction, but as soon as he realized he seeked validation and companionship, that he liked seeing them smile, that he wanted to protect them, that he yearned for more time alone with them and that he wanted more than what just a simple friendship implied, it was an instant 'oh hell no'. He wanted those feelings to get the hell away, but unfortunately, they were there to stay.

Canonically likes MLP, psychological and horror anime like Death note and Hellsing, so I'm deciding he also watched Death Parade, had a FNAF phase, is very into The Walten Files. This guy enjoys any kind of specially dark ARG's and knows a ton of lore of real crime, unsolved cases, ghost appearances and other stuff. Doesn't believe in the supernatural, but sure is entertained by it.

He's a mess at romance. Flirting? His attempts at compliments are hardly flattering. Giving gifts? The best he can manage is jewelry and you can kind of tell he asked his dad for help. Dates? He's so nervous he's silent for most of it, but begins getting comfortable and having fun if his partner really knows how to get him down from his negativity cloud.

Ches

Pansexual.

He's very good with kids. He has the patience of a saint and he's laid-back, chill and fun but still is an authority figure who knows how to put limits. Sure, he's gonna let the kids light up a house on fire BUT hey, now they know everything about fire precautions, burns and how to treat them AND how to get away with arson. What an educational evening, am I right?

Due to certain info from the "Goodbye" official comic, I headcanon Ches as depressed. I don't want to elaborate a lot 'cuz of spoilers, but... God, everything related to his mom fucking hurts, man. How did he deal with all that?

Ches has been Dee and Heavy's babysitter so many times he cannot count them with all his fingers. He learned how to put those kids to sleep almost immediately (Sing Bon Jovi's "This ain't a love song" and any cheesy love song in a slow lullaby style and they're out), which movie were their favorite as kids (Heavy loved 'Monsters Inc.' and Dee never looked away during 'Meet the Robinsons'), how to console them after nightmares (Heavy needed reassurance, sweet words, and to be with someone until he fell asleep again. Dee just had to be tucked in, get his nightlight turned on and kissed in the forehead). He practically raised those kids along with Vicky and Glam.

More than once, Dee and Heavy have slipped and called Ches "Dad". Ches immediately gets his shit eating grin on and answers "Yes, son?" and does a couple of dad jokes just to mess and embarrass them. He's actually very flattered and surprised at how proud of himself he is for being a father figure to both kids.

Has a scar on the left side of his forehead due to a bottle his mom threw at him when he was younger, around the time he met Glam. He hates the scar with passion, it's a permanent reminder of the fact she never cared, that's why he always keeps it covered with his headband. Gets sad about it sometimes.

Ches likes to spend his time with a group of grannies of the nearby nursing home. He genuinely considers them his friends and gossips and hangs out with all of them on weekends. Bingo, billiards, walks in the park, soap opera marathons, you name it. I even designed them, gave them names and backstories... God, i just love the concept too much. I'll make some art about Ches and his granny gang FOR SURE, you're NOT ready for them.

Carries a pocket knife on him at all times. This man grew up on a bad neighborhood and absolutely knows how to defend himself, he can be intimidating when he wants to be and will pose a threat if needed. He's fucking terrifying when genuinely mad. Just cause he looks harmless doesn't mean he is, darling.

That would be all!

[papijean]

Congratulations on 1k!!! Ah you’ve come a long way and I’m so happy for you 🥳

May I please request a Eren and Armin with 44&46 prompt? 👀

claire bb I hope you like

1.8k words

"Will you let us fuck you?" + "I can make you cum harder than him" + armin and eren

Dating Eren always had its ups and downs. He'd go through phases of making it hard to talk to him or see him, other times he refused to leave your side. There were your fights, your near break-ups, and your heavy make-ups. Eren was a rollercoaster when he was in a relationship, but it always seemed to be worth it.

He was the kind of boyfriend that would come up with spontaneous ideas. Traveling across the country just for a few nights to get out of the city, coming home with a new pet, asking his best friend to join you in bed...

Eren was always full of surprises.

He was quick to notice your sudden plateau when it came to sex. Eren wasn't going out of his way to find something new since he was so busy and you couldn't even muster up enough energy to agree to sex. You need something new, and it just so happened his best friend was in desperate need to get laid.

Hearing Eren nearly plead for you to let Armin join you just for one night was enough for you to begin to feel a sudden ache between your legs. "Will you let us fuck you?" God, those words sounded so pretty come from his lips. Armin's eager blue eyes to match the excitement... you couldn't say no.

Eren was so taken aback by how hot Armin looked claiming his girl as his own he couldn't do anything but watch. Armin's lips were everywhere on you, he couldn't get enough. This was something he'd dreamed of for so long and now, to finally get it, it felt surreal. He couldn't wait to hear those pretty sounds of your Eren bragged about - especially when he was going to be the reason for them.

"More," you breathed out. You felt no shame being naked in front of Armin, nor how wet you were as his fingers plunged in and out of you instead of your boyfriend's. His touch was entirely different. Eren always held a sense of neediness and roughness, Armin was's touch was like a knife. Sharp, meticulous, empowering.

"More?" Armin slowed the pace of his digits. "Is she always this needy, Eren?"

"You don't even know," Eren groaned. He wanted so desperately to join in with the two of you but he was frozen to his spot. The sight of you getting pleasured by another man was too much for him; he swore he could have cum in his pants at you. "Give her what she wants or she'll whine."

"Want you too, 'ren," you squeezed around Armin's fingers. Both of them at once? God, you weren't sure if you could even handle it. Eren was so much on his own, but with Armin too? "Please."

His hand lazily slid up and down his cock. The tip flamed red with desire. Clearly, he wanted to be a part of this too. Eren pushed himself off his seat, shedding the rest of his clothes as he made his way towards the bed.

"Baby, you're ruining the sheets because of Armin," Eren teased. One hand rested on Armin's shoulder, the other teasing your clit only for a second before retracting. You knew his teasing, how he likes to see your back arch for more. "Like his fingers better than mine? Hmm?" You couldn't bring yourself to answer.

Armin pulled his slender digits from you to show off all the juices you coated him with. Without hesitation, Eren grabbed the blonde's hand so he could suck off every drop of you. He hummed with delight at your taste, sending a vibration through Armin's body and straight to his cock that was already straining against his pants.

A quiet huff passed your lips at the lack of attention. It didn't go deaf past either of them, both sets of eyes suddenly on you and the pout you wore. Eren pulled away from Armin's slicked digits with a pop.

"I told you she'd start whining," Eren rolled his eyes. "Fill her up before she starts complaining too."

Armin fumbled with the buckle of his pants. A sudden wave of nervousness hit him and he struggled with getting it undone. If it wasn't for Eren stepping in, undoing his belt, button, and zipper, it would have been embarrassing. Instead, the simple act had his cock twitching for more.

You could have sworn drool pooled at the corner of your lips. Armin wasn't as large as Eren, but fuck was his member pretty. A blush crept up Armin's neck and face as both sets of eyes were glued to his cock.

"Please, Armin," you finally managed to speak. You should have felt guilty for asking for him first instead of Eren, but you couldn't help but feel anything but excitement at the sight of him. It seemed your boyfriend was just as entranced.

Armin roughly grabbed your hips and in a single motion, flipped you onto your stomach with your ass high in the air for him. His smooth palms glided over the squishy flesh before suddenly leaving a harsh smack. The wave of pain rippled through you, protruding a cry from your lips at the action.

The same two fingers as before teased between your folds. He loved watching your body react to his touch, maybe more than he should have.

"Gonna suck me off while Armin fucks you, pretty girl?" Eren pushed the stray hairs out of your face. You nodded at his request, eager to be filled by both of them. "That's my good girl. Armin's got such a pretty cock, doesn't he? Why don't you tell him that, hmm? Ask for it nicely."

"Please, Armin!" Your voice raised as his teasing became almost unbearable. "Please I want your pretty cock, I need you. Fuck me, please, Armin." Eren patted your cheek, giving you silent praise for listening to him.

Armin abided to your pleas. The tip of his cock replaced his fingers, though the teasing continued. He wanted to watch you squirm for him, become so desperate for his length it hurt not to be filled. Eren, on the other hand, was quick to have your lips wrapped around his girth. He couldn't handle the teasing any longer.

The lewd sounds of Eren's cock slipping in and out of your mouth, along with the near godlike face he was making because of you was enough for Armin to cave. Your sopping hole almost felt like it was fighting against him you were so damn tight. He couldn't imagine how you managed to take Eren like this, it seemed impossible.

"Fuck, Armin, she won't stop moaning because of you." The vibrations of your moans rippled onto his cock. No way he could last like this if you kept up. His whole body was lit up with pleasure, and by the looks of Armin's hazy eyes, he was too.

His thrusts were slow, but it was more than enough to have you consumed with need. He left a bruising grip on your hips, using your body as the only form of stability. Eren's moans overpowered the room, shamelessly showing off how incredible you were making him feel and hoping it would get Armin to do the same.

"So fucking tight," Armin choked out. It felt as if you refused to adjust to his size, keeping that precious hole of your tight just for him. Every movement had you sucking him back in. Your body nearly collapsed as he suddenly sped up, sending you farther onto Eren's cock with every thrust.

Eren pulled away, letting you have a breath of air and giving Armin the chance to go as hard as he wanted without fear of you choking. A plethora of moans, cries, and half-attempts of either of the men's names fell from your lips like a waterfall. He didn't hold back, especially not when he could feel you squeezing him even tighter and reaching your high.

The sounds went straight to his head. The sudden cockiness he felt earlier was back and more prominent than ever. He felt as if only he could bring these sounds out of you, not Eren, not anyone but him. You weren't his, but god did he want you to be after seeing you like this.

"Fuck, I bet I can make you cum harder than him. Bet I can make you fucking scream my name, make it the only name you know."

"Oh?" Eren looked at him with curious eyes. He felt his cock twitch at the sudden challenge. It looked like Armin was close too, not that he could blame the blonde for losing it so quickly with that perfect pussy of yours. Eren looked down at you, too fucked out to even be paying attention to their conversation. "Hear that, doll? Think Armin can make you cum harder than me?"

All he got in response was a moan as the blonde repeatedly hit your sweet spot over and over again. Armin's smirk only grew. It took only a moment for the room to change. The moan of Armin's name ripped from your throat as your orgasm cascaded through your whole body. Having you clench so tightly around him, the sound of his name, it was enough for him to follow right away.

However, it was to Armin's surprise that he felt Eren's hand wrap around his throat moments before he let go. The lack of air to his lungs only urged him on quicker. He adored the way Eren's large hand so easily fit around his neck and the look in his eyes as Armin reached his eyes. The argument of making you cum harder than ever before was quickly washed away and the reality became his hardest orgasm.

Armin couldn't help but let his load coat your walls and the jumble of a moan where no one could tell who's name he was trying to say. It was all too much for him. Armin's body shook with pleasure, overwhelmed by the duo.

"Fuck," Armin couldn't think straight any longer. Eren let go of Armin, dragging his fingers down his neck and chest. The blonde looked so pretty when he came, and Eren only wished you could have seen the view too. Pools of his cum spilled from your hole, dripping down your thighs. He adored the sight, even if he knew he shouldn't have.

"What do you think, babygirl?  Did Armin make you cum harder than I ever could or do I need to fuck his cum back into you to prove a point?"

[n0bamak1s]

lazy days - maki zenin x reader

request: “Could you maybe do a maki x reader fluff? Like maybe just a lazy day playing video games or something like that.” - @mvddison99

summary: after you shut off her alarm clock so she can get some rest, maki reluctantly agrees to a lazy day with you, and ends up enjoying it much more than expected. (genre: domestic-ish fluff, slice of life)

warnings: some swearing but it’s mostly just pure fluff!

word count: 2.7k

a/n: i did NOT plan to make it this long lol i’m just a sucker for writing maki! i didn’t really explicitly state what the reader and maki’s relationship is so it can be read as an established relationship or not depending on what you like! i had a ton of fun writing this so hopefully y’all like it! :)

maki zenin doesn’t do ‘lazy days’. not willingly, at least.

when you’d told inumaki of your plan to shut off her alarm clock to get her to sleep in and take a day off, he couldn’t help thinking you must have some kind of death wish to do that. you’d argue that you were staging an intervention in the name of self care. he knew the reason you’d gone to him with your idea was because he couldn’t talk any sense into you.

he also knew that you actually just wanted maki to take a day off so you’d have an excuse to hang out with her in your pajamas all day.

despite the countless times gojo would use a day off as an incentive during your missions, when you finished you’d always be greeted by the same sheepish smile and excuse as to why your day off would be pushed back. for a grown man, he sure was childish when it came to planning stuff. in contrast to the groans of disappointment that came in response from you, inumaki and panda, maki never seemed phased by the extra days you’d spend sparring in the blistering sun. while gojo moved his hands wildly as he apologized, she’d simply shrug and swing her weapon of choice over her shoulder with a bored expression on her face. gojo always seemed relieved when she’d interrupt his plea for forgiveness to a group of teenagers to ask him when the next mission was.

over the past two weeks or so, you’d begun to notice the semblance of exhaustion around maki, one you weren’t even sure she was aware of. her glasses emphasized the purple tinted bags lining her eyes, and her nose was dusted with a sunburn that was oddly reminiscent of that momo girl from kyoto. they were subtle changes in the way she carried herself as well, in the way her shoulders slumped ever so slightly when she rested the wooden ends of her weapons on them. it was such a slight difference that it seemed only you could know so quickly.

so it’s not hard to imagine the joy that flashed across your face when you realized your plan in unplugging her school issued alarm clock had been successful. before then, you’d only woken up before maki once, due to an early morning mission with inumaki. that day, when surprise flashed across your face at the sight of maki awake at just 6 a.m on a saturday, now seemed a contrast to your current state. the clock read 10 a.m as you were interrupted from mulling over your breakfast with inumaki and paves with the sound of steps shuffling against the floor, followed not soon after by maki, clad in baggy plaid pants and a loose fitting tee shirt. you watched as she stretched her arms above her head, making her shirt ride up slightly from the waistband of her pants. a part of you felt as if you’d gotten lucky to see her in that moment, with her green hair cascading past her shoulders, and her yet to be brushed bangs messy as they slightly masqueraded her eyes like a sheepdog overdue for a trim. as she rubbed her eyes into focus, her gaze landed on you, clearly trying to stifle a smile for whatever reason.

“what’re you so happy about?” her voice was raspy as she straightened her posture.

oh, you were definitely lucky to see her like this.

“sleep well?” you raised an eyebrow with a teasing tone. she could practically hear the smug grin threatening to stretch across your face. had it not already been obvious who the culprit was, that would’ve been a dead giveaway of the way her stolen batteries from her alarm clock were collecting dust on your bedside table. she sent a lazy glare your way, but there was clearly no malice behind it.

“if i say i did, will you leave me alone?” her tone was almost playful as she stepped towards you, bending her knees to be at eye level with you while you sat. she probably didn’t notice that she wasn’t nearly as intimidating with her old pajamas and messy hair.

“no can do.” you no longer held shame in the catlike grin on your face. “gojo is finally letting us have that day off he always promises, and i’m not letting you use some excuse about being ‘too busy with training.’” those last few words were spoken with a monotone infliction in a weak attempt to poke fun at her almost robotic training schedule.

a roll of her eyes, but she made no point to move from her position. when she crouched down to your sitting form, her eyes remained focused on you despite the sleepiness still swimming in them. your noses were mere inches apart.

“and if i do?”

“i already told gojo to lock up the weapons, plus everyone else is occupied with relaxation.” you feigned sheepishness.

“oh noooo, i’m sure it’d be impossible to make it past his advanced security system.” her voice oozed of sarcasm and her head tilted slightly, a smirk daring to sneak past her lips.

the staring match you were unaware you’d been putting so much effort into was interrupted by a groan from inumaki. he made a face of disgust in your direction as you both turned to face him. if he could, you were sure he’d mutter something annoyedly about you two needing to get a room. your face contorted to send some sort of distorted glare his way as he got up to leave the room.

maki cleared her throat awkwardly, now acutely aware of the distance (or lack thereof) between your faces, courtesy of inumaki.

“by the way, if you don’t take a break, gojo says he’ll just make you take one during our next mission!” the grin on your face stretched almost cartoonishly at the dejected look in response to your declaration.

she was standing now. “i’ll do it, but only because you’ve already set my day back by a few hours, and so i don’t miss anything important later.” though you didn’t miss the corners of her mouth turning up as she averted her gaze.

to her surprise, you let out a soft sigh of relief in response. “thank god, my last resort would have been to make you go to training with the kyoto students instead.” she cringed wordlessly in response as she pulled a cup of yogurt from the fridge.

“what do you want to do so bad that’s got you so pushy anyways?” she sat with her legs spread apart as she ate her breakfast.

a mischievous gleam danced across your face. “well i was cleaning out my dorm the other day, and i may or may not have found my copy of mario kart.” your voice was triumphant, as if you’d just found the cure to a disease.

she looked thoroughly unimpressed in contrast to you holding down heaps of excitement. “never played it.”

your gasp of shock felt as if it could have woken up the whole school.

“maki…” your voice sounded accusatory, like a parent saying that they’re not mad, ‘just disappointed.’

“well it’s not like the zenin clan is exactly known for their expertise on video games, are they now?” she spoke matter-of-factly.

“and they’re clearly not known for having fun either, now you’d better eat up so i can beat your ass.” your competitive tone seemed to awaken a rivalry within maki, whose eyes suddenly became sharper with determination. you stifled a chuckle at the drive that came from your simple teasing.

“i wouldn’t get so confident just yet, no offense but i don’t think you’d be that hard to beat.” she teased, matching the mischievousness in your eyes, as she finished her cup of yogurt.

“oh it’s on maki!”

as you bounced down the hall to your dorm with maki in tow following breakfast, you took note of panda walking by, who seemed to do a double take of maki. she met his gaze, once again trying to look threatening despite her cozy attire. panda seemed unaffected by her glare, simply sending you a sneaky thumbs up, not going unnoticed by her.

“did everyone know about your little plan?”

“not everyone, per say. if i told megumi he’d have been a total buzzkill and told you.”

“oh how tragic that would have been.” without looking over your shoulder, you could tell she was rolling her eyes, but she did a bad job at concealing the smile that was evident in her voice.

“i know, where would you be without me?” you wiped fake tears from your eyes dramatically as you swung open the door to your dorm.

“not playing mario kart, that’s for sure.” she shrugged, feigning exasperation as she slumped on your bed. it was oddly domestic, this side of maki. it was the side of her with her hair undone, with her usual stiff uniform swapped for baggy pajamas, with her back flat against your rock solid dorm bed as she stared at the ceiling, eyes glazed over. it crossed your mind that you’d like to see her like this more.

but in case you didn’t get that chance, you were determined to make this moment last.

after a few moments of annoyance at how slow your wii loaded, and annoyance from maki at your complaining about it, considering that thing was clearly on its last legs, you were met with the flashing of the mario kart title screen. maki sat up to be met with your face brightening into a smile, making it hard for her to stop the matching one on her face. she found it hard not to get excited from the enthusiasm you had about this game, it gave her a sense of comfort that made her feel like she’d never have to worry about battling a curse again.

you handed her a controller, your fingertips brushing against her hand as you did so. her eyes flickered to yours with an impish delight to them.

“you’re going down.”

“oh?” you raised an eyebrow as you turned to click through character selections, shamelessly feeding into her competitive streak. after scrolling through the characters just long enough to annoy maki, you decided you’d play yoshi. she let out an over exaggerated sigh of relief when you’d finally decided, before turning her attention to do the exact same thing.

“rosalina, huh?”

maki glanced at you, before averting her eyes back to the screen. “what can i say? she’s hot.”

you put a hand to your heart dramatically. “oh maki, how you wound me. sorry i can't be her.” your little act was eerily similar to how the first years would act whenever there was even the possibility of megumi interacting with a girl.

“you’ve been spending too much time around gojo.” she scoffed at your antics while you waited for the crappy old wii to load the selection screen for tracks.

should i choose rainbow road just to fuck with her?

spoiler alert: you absolutely did choose rainbow road just to fuck with her.

you knew she’d never played before, so even if you did win, it’s mostly because you chose the most difficult track. but the competitive side of you didn’t seem to care. before starting the game, you moved so you sat next to maki on the bed, parallel to the tv screen. you guys sat shoulder to shoulder, yet maki still seemed totally relaxed.

“you’re going down.” she smirked, turning to face you, the second time that day her face was just inches from yours.

“i’d like to see you try and beat me, newbie.” you tilted your head towards her, a smug look painting your face as you leaned over to place your hands over hers, instructing her of the basics as you guided them over the buttons and joysticks of the controller. after all, it would be just cruel to make her go in completely clueless.

“thanks.” her eyes remained focused on her hands a few seconds after you’d removed yours from atop them, before her gaze travelled to meet yours. there was an uncharacteristically soft look on her face for just a moment, before she looked back to the screen. “but you’re gonna regret this when you eat my dust.”

“whatever you say, maki.” you muttered as the screen began to flash a countdown.

3…

2…

1…

START!!!

forget all that soft shit, you were gonna beat her ass.

your dorm room was filled with the sounds of the wii controller buttons being mashed, along with the background music of the game.

“SHIT!” you didn’t have to glance at her screen to know she’d swerved off the road and fallen, so you just smiled triumphantly in response.

when she was on the road again, you could feel her lean against your shoulder slightly as she turned. in your peripheral, you noticed how a few strands of green hair brushed against your shoulder as if it were yours. maki, on the other hand, seemed completely focused on winning the game, making her ignorant to how she practically leaned into you.

you were confident enough to know that you pretty much had this game in the bag as you kept your lead peacefully for quite a bit, that was until a certain smug looking girl next to you managed to score a blue shell.

“DAMN IT.” you watched as yoshi spun helplessly after being hit. “look at how sad he looks, you monster.” you glared ludicrously at her, to which she just snickered, but your feigned anger was quickly interrupted by the sound of the music speeding up.

FINAL LAP.

“already?” you were exasperated to see how close maki had gotten to you. looking to her, she remained with a determined look on her face, funnily enough, it was similar to the one she’d have while sparring.

you didn’t want to have to play dirty but…

ah, who were you kidding, you totally wanted to play dirty!

“hey, maki.” your voice was husky from strain of your cries of distress when you fell behind. you leaned into maki the same way she had earlier, with your leg practically on top of hers, and your head leaning oh so casually on her shoulder. she seemed to stiffen for a moment.

“what the hell do you think you’re doing?”

jackpot.

swerving with your controller, you’d managed to knock her rosalina straight off the track, giving you a clear path to the finish line. you knew that making her all flustered just to get ahead had to be some kind of cheating, but you couldn’t deny it was so worth it to see the way her face flushed from a mix of embarrassment and anger at losing.

when you reached the finish line, it was hard to contain the laughter that came bubbling up out of you. before you could help it, the repressed giggles turned into a full on belly laugh as you leaned onto her shoulder for support.

“you should’ve seen your face maki!” you managed to get out between laughs. she simply pushed you off of her, though it was clearly as soft as possible. she held onto your shoulder so you were forced to be at eye level with her.

she opened her mouth to say something, but before she could, you lifted your head to make eye contact, your mouth in a tight line as you tried to hold back more laughs.

“you’re pretty good for a newbie though, you know.” you leaned into her touch, too focused on her to tease her over the animation of yoshi with his gold trophy playing on the screen.

“yeah and you’re pretty good for a cheater.” she scoffed, but it only elicited more laughter from you, gripping on the hands she had on your shoulder for support.

she wanted to keep up her front of mock seriousness, but the way you melted into her in this moment left her no room for her mock anger.

it was rare that you saw maki zenin laugh, but in this moment, it just felt so natural to you. it seemed to rise up out of her, like a soda can being shaken up before opening, it came out unrestrained as her shoulders shook ever so slightly.

you’d have to make a note to get maki to laugh more often.

“so…” you finally composed yourself, leaning your head on her shoulder, she looked at you without an ounce of the surprise she held earlier, as if you guys did this all the time. “do you wanna play again?”

she grinned wolfishly. “hell yeah.”

[sickness-health-all-that-shit]

Love Poem

(originally written as part of this prompt challenge)

Ian finds it one day while looking through some old stuff.

It’s one of the notebooks he used to write ideas in during his first manic phase, back when he went off to join the army under his brother’s name.

He had a lot of notebooks. Sometimes he would only write in a couple of pages, and then they’d get lost–left behind, dropped and forgotten–replaced by a new, empty one.

Most of them Ian will never see again. Those ideas scattered, lost to the world, much like he was back then.

But this one. This one notebook survived, somehow.

Ian flips the pages, goes through the ramblings, not knowing himself what he’s looking for. He knows he won’t be able to make sense of what he wrote then, but still, he’s curious.

It hurts a little, of course. It hurts to relive that past. There’s a reason he’s tried to bury it within himself for so long. He can’t even begin to process his feelings about it–the ever-present shame that always comes attached to that period of his life, screaming front and center.

Yet he looks, he reads, he remembers. Some of it, he remembers.

He finds scattered references to Mickey. Of course he does. He recalls trying so hard to forget him, to put him out of his mind, but inevitably Mickey would pop up anyway again and again through the turmoil of Ian’s brain.

A lot of it reads like resentment. Ian remembers that, too. He was angry at Mickey for a long time, while he was away. And he got all the more angry because he couldn’t stop thinking about him, much as he tried to. That made Ian mad at himself, on top of everything.

Mostly, Mickey’s name surfaces in the midst of ramblings about completely unrelated things. Some of it reads like a big fuck you to Mickey. A that’ll show him, a then he’ll see… he’ll see I don’t need him.

Ian knows now he was really just trying to convince himself he didn’t need Mickey. He didn’t want to need Mickey–not when Mickey couldn’t make him a priority.

On one page, though, there’s something else. Something different to the rants and the ramblings and the big ideas and bigger plans for the future.

It’s more like a poem.

Ian doesn’t doubt he fancied himself a poet too, among other things, in those days. He felt so powerful, so in touch with everything he was thinking and feeling, for the very first time in his life. Of course he thought he could be a poet–and one of the greats, too, no doubt.

The poem is about Mickey.

It’s a love poem, of sorts. There’s much more desperation to it than resentment in this, than in all the rest of Ian’s writings about Mickey in the notebook.

It’s raw. It’s pure hurt on the page. It’s addressed to Mickey.

It doesn’t recriminate, it only reminisces and regrets. It weeps over what could have been, what never was, what will never be again.

It’s sorrow, sadness, and grief.

Ian feels slow tears on his cheeks as he reads it. His breath catches in his throat as a small sob escapes his lips.

He’s glad things got better for him. He got Mickey back. He married him. They put back together the pieces of them that were damaged and are working on the ones that will always be a bit shapeless–fucked up. They do it every day, together.

But the Ian who wrote this poem didn’t know that was going to happen. He thought he was invincible and irreparably broken at the same time. He didn’t think he was ever going to see Mickey again. And even if he did, nothing could ever be the same between them.

Ian mourns for his past self. Remembers the pain, the devastation. The hopelessness.

He wishes he could tell himself then that it is going to get better. Tell himself not to lose hope. Tell him that, against all odds, love has won in this case. That all that pain wasn’t the end of their story.

For now, though, he just closes the notebook. He laughs a little through his tears, wipes them with the sleeve of his hoodie, and goes to find his husband in their kitchen.

---

thanks to @shameless-notashamed for reading this over!

[petruchio]

read ur post about being 21 and i thought it was sweet. do u have anything for being 16? i feel like i’ve been really all over the place especially with my mental health and all i can really reassure myself with is just the fact that this is probably just what being a teenager feels like :,)

my best advice for being 16 hmmm... well a lot of it would be the same as my advice for being 21!! like don't stress too much, it's all going to work out better than you can imagine, get some exercise every day, eat your vegetables, call your friends. small joys. it's really the best part of being alive at any age. but here's some random bonus teen wisdom

delete all your social media. ok just kidding but at least try to be really conscious of using it. when i was 16 it was literally impossible to avoid instagram and everyone was on snapchat ALL THE TIME and if you weren't, like, actively snapping at all hours of the day -- you were a loser. now all i can think is how much time i wasted on those apps!! obviously a huge part of being a teen is connecting with your peers and being on social media is a big part of that because, honestly, your peers are also on social media. but i would just try to be conscious of your screen time! and i don't mean that in a condescending "kids are always on their phones these days" kind of way, but just to say -- i know how addicting it can be and i also know how damaging it can be to your self-esteem to spend hours every day looking at 22 year old models who have more money than you've ever had in your life. nothing is worth that! not even being able to gossip about the models with your best friend. that's not to say you can absolutely never check their instagrams and tiktoks and whatever else is cool these days -- but just be careful, and try to be mindful of what you're doing. don't let it be mindless.

school is cool! learning is exciting. don't let people tell you it's dumb. learning new things is great and being able to be a more complete citizen of the world is one of the best parts of growing up. don't beat yourself up for things you don't understand yet. i don't think i was able to really grasp a lot of politics until i was at least 17 or 18. and i couldn't really articulate myself well about any of it until i was 21 or 22. that's okay. you don't have to know everything. the world is a big place and there's a lot to learn. read books that are too hard for you. listen to conversations where you don't understand half of the words. watch movies that go over your head. just approach it all with an open mind, listen to lots of different ideas, take everything in. the rest will fall into place.

let yourself be immature! don't feel shame about your interests being "too young," or not drinking alcohol even though other people do it sometimes, or not understanding the references people make to things you've haven't experienced yet. it's totally fine not to know about any of that. you don't have to be in any kind of hurry to grow up. watch cheesy television shows and read your favorite ya novels and get overly-excited about bad movies. you have the rest of your life to get old. there's no prize for making it to adult life fastest. childlike wonder is awesome. don't lose it, and you'll never have to find it again.

you're probably about ten times cooler than you think you are. all those people who you think are judging you are probably jealous of something you have that they don't. so don't get too down on yourself -- it's not a good use of your time! instead, work on building yourself up. write yourself motivational stickies and put them above your mirror. take a long bath and make a fancy drink in the morning and truly eat whatever your heart desires. (when i was 16, i went through a phase for a few months where i ate mashed potatoes for breakfast every morning. i would make a huge pot of them on sunday and portion them out and microwave them before school. i'm not even joking. and i loved it.) there's no rules. the only rule is to listen to yourself, and then roll with whatever it is that you hear your body and your heart saying. so, if your heart tells you to eat mashed potatoes for breakfast every day, eat the mashed potatoes. it's all part of the process of learning what you like and who you want to be.

you don't have to figure anything out yet. that's one of the best parts of being young -- the process of figuring. i promise, anyone who seems to have it figured out, doesn't. you're not behind. you're right where you're supposed to be. enjoy the ride.