#if i (god) can make the gay states of (spoiler) and (spoiler) bone down in bone town then i (miserable whelp) may fight to see another day

[solearobservatory]

this is still about shakedown btw 🫶

writing g✨️y p✨️rn is such a good coping mechanism for every problem i have. why didnt i get perscribed this in hopsital ? Hmm?? Instead i got? antidepressivos 🙄 like....No cock and balls at all....not even A ball...Uma bola

[coffeebeannate]

Nate Watches Things: A Saga

Or in this case, one thing. One thing that was far too long of a thing, but such a bizarre venture that I felt rather compelled to put an actual review of said thing together.

Why? Because I can and because others HAVE to experience this..this journey. A nice lil journey called Die Pfeiler der Macht/ A Dangerous Fortune. And I watched it solely because Luca looks cute in Victorian clothes, and I was intrigued by the gifs.

Curiosity has always been such a great human motivator, eh?

And..guys. I just. I don’t know what the 3-4 hours (it’s two movies, and I took a couple days to watch it) WERE, exactly, but they were..a thing? I know that it’s based on a book by Ken Follett and that this production is German. Despite being based in England. 

Oh, and Luca’s character Mickey Miranda, is uh, Spanish. Make of that what you will.

So the summary is this:

A shocking secret behind a young boys death leads to three generations of treachery in this breathtaking saga of love, power and revenge, set amid the wealth and decadence of Victorian England.

And no it does not do this thing justice whatsoever.

Review under the cut. It’s too long *again, two movies here*, and I took far too many screencaps of this absolute wtfery, and uh, it’s probably better suited for a real-time live blog but nah. You can have this instead.

Some images under the cut are NSFW because nefarious boning is a key point in this..thing.

SPOILERS. So many spoilers. This thing is a spoiler fest. The caps have a very obvious Luca bias, I know why we’re here everyone. Hehe. There’s also some triggering stuff in this thing, so be warned there too.

BEHOLD:

So, a point I want to make is that the costuming in this movie is LEGIT. If absolutely nothing else works? Note that the costuming absolutely does.

The opening credits are very nice, Luca’s very pretty, this cap serves purely to showcase that because I’m a very serious man doing a very serious review.

Pretty.

So the beginning is..confusing. We have a girl, Maisie Robinson. (Around 10-13 here?) Her father is very poor and it’s her and her two siblings. He works for a man who is part of our main characters, the Pilasters?  and they run this bank. The head of the bank commits suicide, since they’re having financial troubles and he cannot repay his workers. He pens a note to his young son *under 12 at this point*, Hugh. 

Hugh never finds out about this letter, but anyway. At the moment, it’s 1866. Maisie’s father was one of those employees. Destitute, he leaves Maisie to..raise her siblings, and goes to America.

We never hear from this man again.

Hugh goes to live with his aunt (Augusta/Augustina?), uncle Joseph, and cousins, Edward and Clara.

THEN IT’S 1877 (we jump ten years)

Maisie’s two siblings have died, and she has a daughter, Rachel now. Who is also dying. This movie is very keen on people dying. I’d also like to point out that there is like, endless plots all happening alongside one another, and it took me until mid-way into part two to even really grasp what the main plot is.

The movie has a LOT of bank talk as well. I cannot express this earnestly enough, there is SO MUCH bank chatter. SO MUCH. This thing does not have to be as long as it is but again, bank stuff.

Anyway, the one plot is that Maisie is from the poor area, she’s had a horrible life and has struggled from day one. She’s in a constant battle with Hugh, and they argue a lot. A lot. (They like each other, they met as kids, but they’re from very different worlds. Hugh has money, she doesn’t, but Hugh has suffered as well and basically it’s your normal class struggle social commentary thing).

Maisie and Hugh in 1866, as kids, after Maisie’s father left for America. This is the funeral for Hugh’s father. So that’s the theme I mean.

Anywho.

Back in 1877, this is Samuel *left*, Joseph *middle* and Edward. The Pilaster’s get marched into work like they’re freaking army Captain’s and not just rich ass bankers. Imagine saluting your CEO. At work. Outside of the military. WHERE IS THIS A THING? Maybe this was a thing in Victorian England I have no clue I’ve certainly never come across it in my studies. Ffs.

Anyway.

So while all this is going on, there’s this man that wants to marry Maisie. 

And his name is,

(That’s Rachel, Maisie’s daughter). Anyway, Solly here loves Maisie and wants to marry her. But Maisie loves Hugh, and neither of them realize this yet. Solly is a himbo and we mostly like him, but stay tuned because that doesn’t stick. Sorta. Depends on how-

Nevermind I’ll just keep going.

ANYWAY, more plot.

Here’s Edward again, doing drugs, being gay, and overall..useless. Edward is..Edward is kind of like a person who would make an interesting wall decoration. Fun enough to look at, but utterly freaking hopeless, and useless, and so dumb. Just so dumb. This character is given the substance of ash fault. Kinda like, only vaguely solid enough to be entertaining. Kinda.

I don’t know guys, BUT LOOK!

It’s his good old pal Mickey! And he’s slapped Edward awake out of his drug coma (okay he grabs his face and shakes him rather than slapping but given how much slapping happens in the rest of this movie I think I can be forgiven) and he has PLOTS.

Mostly it’s his dads plot, but it’s a plot. A very devious scheme and he needs our favourite wallpapers assistance!

(Sorry Edward, but it’s true)

So keeping in mind that the ‘theme’ of this movie is bone-and-soul crushing sadness paired with periods of intense chaos and insanity that  you never see coming, our plots continue to thicken.

What Mickey means here, is that Edward’s family denied Mickey’s father what he wanted *weapons deal*, and beat the crap out of Mickey in a carriage. But that’s fine that’s fine Mickey is not deterred! BECAUSE.

*sigh*

So.

OK.

This scene.

Remember what I said about how this movie goes from being incredibly boring to so off the walls bonkers without actually WARNING YOU that it is going to do this? Yeah.

Edward, you see, really does not ‘do’ women. He’s gay. He’s extremely gay. Edward’s mother wants him to marry Florence Stalworthy for idk rich people reasons.

So..Mickey. Uh. Mickey’s solution is..this.

What is this, you ask??

Fuck if I know.

Anyway, no, uhm. This is a brothel. So (not) pictured here (I can’t post the scene on tumblr guys we have a ban) is Edward on a couch across from mask-and-feathers MIckey and this tied down woman, with another woman who is not tied down. And this is Mickey..showing Edward..how to.have sex with women. Apparently. Sort of. His lesson falls very flat. It is not a good scene, Mickey’s ‘instructions’ get increasingly louder, and he at one point makes this noise that sounds like a Joker laugh.

It is...it’s something.

(Also note there’s some extremely uncomfortable, misogynistic name-calling on Mickey’s part here..so yeah).

Oh, and it doesn’t convince Edward. At all. IMAGINE.

Around all this time, the Hugh/Maisie/Solly plot is also ongoing. And that also encompasses bar fighting (bare knuckles boxing and wrestling I think? And gambling)

Hugh has gambling debt we’ll get back to this. (He’s also obsessed with getting Russian bonds into the bank, again, the banking plot losses me a LOT)

So meanwhile, Mickey meets up with Edward’s mother.

But why Edward’s mother, you ask??

Well. *sigh*. Something I didn’t mention earlier is that Mickey likes Ed’s mum. A lot. A lot a lot. Mickey wants to take that woman to town and then some, is a very basic way of me putting it and-

Fuck it. Mickey wants to bang Ed’s mum. BADLY.

(She’s not opposed either, at all)

So their little scheme here is that Ed’s mum wants Ed to take control of the bank, but with the father-in-law alive, that’s not going to happen. So they’re plotting to take down the next person in charge who would succeed said father in law, (Samuel) who is in a relationship with the secretary mentioned above, Michael.

Yes, another GODDAMNED PLOT.

(Samuel is fairly unpleasant like all of these people, so I don’t feel that bad for him. He also kinda treats Michael like garbage, and is called out for this by Joseph later in the movie)

So the scheme here is to get rid of the father-in-law, and get Ed married. Cake walk!

(Also, while ALL THIS is going on, Mickey’s got his own mini-plot about doing these things for his father, the weapons and stuff but we don’t actually find out about the main goal of that whole thing till the end, you’ll see)

Oh, and since we’ve not had a good dose of ‘WHAT THE FUCK’ lately, Solly proposes to Maisie with an honest-to-god Alice in Wonderland party.

Yeah.

Meet the Mad Hatter! He’s a guide, he says nothing. Other people are in costume too, but you know-I have enough caps as it is.

So anyway, Maisie and Solly get engaged, Maisie and Hugh meet up at some point and bang instead. 

And while that’s happening, Edward is convinced by Mickey to marry Florence.

So he does.

Lookit this shit faced smug ass grin.

(Also ahead is Samuel again, and Hugh)

BUT THEN the bank finds out about Hugh’s gambling debts. So he leaves. Taking his cousin Clara (Edward’s teenage sister-at her insistence) to the USA. And just like Maisie’s dad, another man abandons her for the States.

So the father in law is still alive, so! 

It’s murder time.

Perfect wedding time event yeah?

So Mickey murders the father-in-law. (He jumps on him, suffocates him with a pillow, gets caught by Augusta and then they do this..weird ‘tensely make the bed thing’)

Murdered.

And then, exactly five seconds or so later..

Nothing like some murder pre-boning with the dead guy two feet away amiright?

Anyway at this point I was just:

And yelling at my ceiling. Not pictured.

I was a Hannibal fan and I STILL went !?!?!?

END PART ONE.

Part two starts out in 1912, and then cuts back to 1882. So in this messy timeline, note it has been six years since part one. And Hugh is married now to Nora, an American singer, and Clara is older and pregnant. (Father is never determined, but he’s a married man and that’s why Clara didn’t stay)

SO the three of them are returning home. Maisie and Solly have a son, David, and Maisie is depressed and distant, so Solly is the one who spends all the time with David. He’s shown as a legit good dad and it’s quite cute watching them.

(The kids Hugh’s, btw, he and Maisie both know this, Hugh does not, it’s revealed dramatically later but we still have so many plots)

Edward and Florence are childless. Edward doesn’t sleep with her. Everyone knows this.

(At this point I kept asking myself when this would end, I cannot stress how LONG this thing feels at times)

So Hugh and Nora meet up with Maisie and Solly, and they chat and there’s more love plots, more bank plots and a masquerade party where at some point Maisie thinks a little girl at the party is Rachel (who died in the end of part one, sorry!) and there’s a fire and Maisie and Hugh make out and Nora and Solly are both upset and it’s a whole thing.

Samuel now does something of a side business that’s unspecified with Michael, and pregnant Clara is being persued by the only man who might be a good match for her (she’s not keen on getting married. But he’s also..really old.) PLOTS.

And Mickey and Augusta are..still a thing. And Edward being chlidless is becoming an issue. So what is the solution dear friends??

*BANGS HEAD INTO A WALL*

Why the fuck not.

Absolutely flawless! Eddie will NEVER notice.

SO with this plan in motion, Mickey sets out to seduce Florence, Eddie’s neglected wife. He starts in a church, and I have to admit, this one line he gives is quite funny.

“I don’t go to church.”

Cannot begin to imagine why.

Also, around this time is when we get the infamous scene about how he fcked the wives of the three men and then made the guys suck his dick one by one. I didn’t cap that since it’s in gif form, but yeah.

Hugh and Solly and Nora and Maisie are still having their love issues. And there is still bank stuff as all this is going down.

But while on his Florence quest, we see Mickey beat up a guy who was abusing a small boy, and Florence see’s him do this as well and:

He looks so baffled. 

‘Me? GOOD? I really don’t think so.”

She’s also holding a baby, and he gives the infant this face:

“Eugh, what is that?”

He also finds her in church again at some point and comes alongside her like this:

”Sup? Whatcha prayin’ about?”

Anyway, while doing all this, he’s still having some issues. He needs Eddie’s signature for a bank transfer (for his father, his father’s plot is STILL a THING) and so it is time to seduce someone ELSE. This time it’s Edward. This won’t be hard. Edward wants him so bad you could probably see it from fucking space.

Mickey is well aware of this.(I don’t think it’s one sided either, he looks at Edward all wide eyed half the time, but he’s so manipulative it’s hard to judge).

Actually me right now tbh.

So that’s this followed by the infamous gif set.

Edward takes him up on it.

‘Come along my dear there’s nefarious boning to be done’.

Absolutely vital screencap below (which is the most we get anyway and I didn’t cap the line about the freaking signature because fuck plots over nice images okay)

Vital

Anyway Edward gives him the bloody signature. And then Mickey goes along to talk to Augusta. But at this point Mickey is very much beginning to unravel. His goal seems to be more centralized to finishing whatever long ass convoluted job his father has been making him do for the last six years (possibly more tbh) and he’s sort of done with everything.

And Edward see’s this exchange. Le. Oof.

SO! IN BETWEEN ALL THIS. There’s some party where there’s drama and then basically Nora..willing gives up Hugh so he can be with Maisie and Solly just..I don’t even know, single dad for life and all. Edward knows that his family has basically been doing shit all around him, and Mickey STILL seduces Florence. He has her meet him outside that night at two am and they get together, but when he’s with her he kinda has these doubts but she wants him anyway so they bang.

Yeesh.

AFTER that there’s Edward again, because Edward knows shit is up, Mickey goes to a room to grab a bag and see’s Edward there. He tells Edward goodbye, but Edward pulls a gun. Mickey just...drops the bag, tells him to shoot. Edward doesn’t, instead he turns the gun on himself and then Mickey shoots himself in a chair.

Yeah.

DEATH! SADNESS! REMEMBER-THIS MOVIE LOVES DEAD PEOPLE~!

At some point in all this, Augusta goes to her daughter, Clara, apologies for being an absolutely evil mother for her entire life and then the movie sort of begins to wrap up.

Maisie and David were going to leave for the States together, but David wants to stay with Solly, who well DID raise him despite him being Hugh’s kid. So Maisie and Hugh are alone and David lives with Solly and the Pilaster bank has discovered the ACTUAL FREAKING PLOT OF MICKEY’S DAD AND THE ENTIRE BACKGROUND THING. Which was this:

THIS DIDN’T NEED TO BE ALMOST FOUR HOURS, GERMANY.

SO Hugh lets the mob inside. We don’t see what happens after that, but Augusta comes in to tell Joseph Edward shot himself.

Lots of sadness.

So the movie ends in 1912, with David and Hugh meeting up. David never saw Maisie again *she’s deceased now, as is Solly.* they talk, there is some moral lesson or something about love. The goddamned end.

OOF.

SO overall?

I don’t know.

It’s a movie. It has a script and plot and..it was put on screen? The costumes are legitimately amazing. They might be the best thing about this thing. But it REALLY feels like Ken really wanted to make a movie about banking, noticed that’d be boring and tried to make it spicy.

It’s so bizarre. So depressing. So many people are horrible. So many bad things happen. So much slapping, so much weirdness. There’s nothing happy in this thing. Not one. The so called ‘good’-ish ending falls flat amongst a sea of depression and I re-iterate, IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE SO LONG.

I distinctly recall lots of clock watching at times, wondering how I could POSSIBLY have more to go. It then goes so completely off the rails that you just don’t know what is happening and it’s just WEIRD.

At times that weirdness makes it fun, but overall it’s really not great. I probably would never rewatch it, and I can say that it’s an uh, experience in movie-watching.

A good one? I don’t know. But an experience, none the less.

[fireheartfaery]

Saving You

Not Ciara writing another gay crackship fic because she got addicted and needed to get something down even though she has no talent and it's too much pressure to write for canon couples in this Fandom because all the fanfic authors are so incredibly talented and she's just a lil bean in a big pot.

Anyway if you want to check out the only other fanfiction I've ever written for this Fandom here it is (spoiler alert it's rowcan).

TW: blood, violence

Edit: meu amor means my love in Portuguese (hopefully. I don’t speak Portuguese so i’m hoping google didn’t lie to me)

Azriel lands on the snow capped mountain with little more than a whisper. The footprint impression in the snow is barely visible. But it doesn't matter how quiet he is because the deafening screams coming from inside that blackened cave drown out any sound he may have made. Even the vultures that usually circle this mountain, feasting on the decaying bodies that get thrown out, are nowhere to be found now. His black swirls of power reaching for the world dance towards the cave, towards the pain within. He smiles, and it looks like destruction.

Ever so slowly, deliberately, he walks into the mountain that snuffs out light, kills dreams and he becomes the darkness itself.

The first thing he smells is the coppery tang of blood and his rage flickers. A soft red glow begins to illuminate the passage he prowls. His anger burns. He steps into a room, charcoal figures laughing at the armoured red light in the middle of them. He is an inferno.

"Leave him alone." He says softly. He knows they hear because backs stiffen.

His shadows are already weaving themselves through the figures, sussing out weaknesses, places to exploit, fun. They whisper in his ears but his focus is solely on the person in the center of the room. The red glow is coming from them, little jewels the colour of rubies, blood, decorating their body.

"What did you say?" A creature snarls, moving towards him.

"Let him go." He doesn't enjoy repeating himself. It's a waste of energy that gets depleted far too quickly.

"Why don't you make us Illyrian." The thing spits the title like it's dirt on its tongue.

"I don't want a fight." His voice is still so quiet. His eyes glance to the tank of water at the far end of the cave and he knows what they used it for. He's used that same tactic more times than he has fingers to count.

His gaze mists with fury as he takes everything in. Ropes wrap like jewellery around the person in the chair and long, inky hair plasters to sheened skin.

"Keep your shadows away from us!" Something growls.

"Give me my soul." He snaps back.

"Your what?" They look confused, leathery skin bunching as they frown at him. And then one of them giggles. It sounds like sharp nails on broken slate.

"He is your soul?" It crackles, "Gods you two are disgusting."

"Let's just kill them both." One pipes up, hunger rasping it's voice.

"Good plan."

And then faster than Azriel can blink they're pouncing on him: beady, swamp eyes bright with evil and scaly fingers reaching for his exposed skin.

He closes his eyes to them, wishing he had the space to block his nose too. Ever so slowly ice starts to slush in his veins. He can feel their toying, thinking he's surrendered. They same something in a language lost to explosions and extinction and he wonders briefly, pinned under their massive bodies if he'll ever learn all the languages of the world. The sapphires at his shoulders, on his chest start to glow. The ice in his veins is unbreakable. He opens is eyes. Everything shatters. And three creatures turn to dust and shards raining down over him.

There is a vile screech and he hears someone slice skin. With what he doesn't because he's already moving through the crowd. He is a whirlwind, a blizzard, chaos-incarnate. Power thrums in his fingers as he slams a fist into what could be a gut. The floor trembles underneath him, like even it is afraid of the warrior it holds.

The creatures flock to him like birds, beasts, vultures. They claw and shriek and snap razored teeth. He obliterates them. A look, a blade that sings secrets, and jewels of power flowing through him. He is invincible.

One of them blocks his path, "He is dead Illyrian. You are too late."

Azriel plunges a hand into its chest, bones cracking as he rips out its husk of a heart.

"Too late, too late, too late." They start to hum, crowding him.

A discarded body lies in a pool of maroon, a flickering red light surrounding it.

The Shadowsinger's mind goes blank. A claw plunges into the hollow of his throat. He tastes iron. The ice in his veins melt. The world goes black. And the demon inside him opens an eye.

Azriel rips his throat away from the puncturing nail and smiles like sin. True fear enters the creature’s eye but before it can save itself it is nothing but debri. The world narrows to each thing as they enter his- the demon's- line of vision. And one stumbling, shaky foot at a time he moves across the room. Obliterating anything that so much as breathed.

When he turns around to survey the destruction he is pleased to see twitching limbs and a trail of hearts following him. The demon inside him licks its lips. He thanks it and it settles back to sleep once more.

With a deep breath he turns to see the person he had come for. A strangled noise catches in his throat as he falls to his knees and cradles the unmoving body. Those red stones had flickered out, dull and dusty against his own bright blue ones.

"Cassian." He chokes on a sob.

"Please." This is not real.

"Meu amor, please!" The dam in his chest breaks.

Tears fall hot and fast onto their black armour but he doesn't bother to brush them away, just cradles his soul in his arms and rocks back and forth.

An earthy brown hand twitches. He does not notice. Lost in his grief, pain. Hazel eyes gently blink open.

"Az?" A confused rasp echoes through the cave.

Azriel stops moving, gaze sliding down. He isn’t quite sure this is real. There's every possibility he's dreaming.

"Cas?"

"What's wrong? What happened?"

"I— You—" He doesn't have words, doesn't know how to form them. His tongue is lead.

"Did I pass out?" Cassian looks over himself trying to find injury or cause for his unconscious state. "I don't understand."

For there is nothing there. No stab wound, or claw mark, or anything.

"You're alive?" The Shadowsinger is still frozen.

"I don't think any harm was done to me?" Cassian frowns. He was sure he had been tortured for three days at least. But there is nothing. Not even a scar.

"I heard them bring a sword down on you," He mutters, "I heard them hurt you."

But suddenly it doesn’t matter because they’re here and they’re together, and they’re alive. So he cups a warm brown cheek and sears their lips together. It’s like drugs, and addiction, and home. He can taste blood, but there’s wood and forests and adventure there too. The shadows gather around them, like a blanket. Joy blooms in his chest, and the blue stones glow brighter. Cassian’s red ones spark back to life. They are power, and beauty. They are ethereal.

The General breaks away, gasping for breath, but a grin splits his face and happiness spills out. “I love you.”

Before Azriel can reply he gasps. A burning as hot as lava blooms on his side. He looks down slowly and frowns at the growing stain of blood over his ribs.

"What happened?"

He can't talk as his throat opens up, and red spills down the pale column.

The Illyrian in his arms scrambles up and grabs his chin, alarm flashing neon in his eyes. "What the fuck is going on?"

He doesn't know how to tell his love, his heart, his soul that the demon does not do things for free. That he suffers the injuries of every creature it kills. He does not know how to tell Cassian that he asked the demon to take his injuries too.

So instead he grabs those long, supple fingers and places it on his chest. Their gazes clash, and the sea finally meets the earth.

He smiles through the pain. Taps three fingers to the red stone on the Illyrian's chest. I love you. He blinks once. And the Shadowsinger sings no more.

[lifeofroos]

ToN Spoilers!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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The valentinesday special, made in November. Rest of the story is on Tumblr and on AO3! 

This Might Be Crazy Part 4 - Strawberry Coca-cola

Valentines Day, combined with all the imagery of the fat baby version of Cupid, was coming dangerously close when I encountered a bottle with strawberry flavoured coca-cola in the grass. I sighed, took the bottle and walked over to the Big House. Yet, when I got there, I could not find Dionysus. ‘Hello?’

Chiron trotted into the main room. ‘Hello, Nico. Are you, by any chance, looking for Dionysus?’

I nodded. ‘Yes. I found this bottle, so I assumed he would be here, but…’ 

‘He said something about the beach this afternoon. You could go take a look there, but I cannot promise you you’ll find him.’

‘I’ll see. Thanks, Chiron.’ Chiron smiled, walked forwards a little and patted me on the arm. 

‘Good luck, Nico.’

The grand god Dionysus was, in fact, at the beach. His back was turned towards me. I took a moment to inhale the salty air - every single time, I am surprised about how good that feels. 

‘Nico di Angelo.’

Damn, he noticed me. ‘Sir.’

‘That is a very rare flavour of coke.’

I nodded like I actually knew anything about it. Which I did. ‘Yes, exclusive to Japan for a few months.’ He raised his eyebrows while nodding, clearly surprised that I knew that. Jokes on him. I had shadow travelled to Japan a few weeks ago to get sushi for me and Will and I learned that right there. 

I walked further, until I was standing next to him. The sea was calm today. We watched for a little while. The sun was setting - shades of orange, red and pink were beginning to be visible. 

‘We are nearing Valentines Day,’ Dionysus remarked. I did not answer. I could feel in my bones where this was going. Hint: he had probably also noticed all the fat, baby Cupids everywhere. 

‘Are you planning on doing anything with mister Solace?’ Yes, actually, I wanted to shadow travel us to Wills’ favorite restaurant in his home state. ‘Not yet.’ 

‘Sure.’ He looked at me like he did not believe me at all.  ‘Yet, you know what I want to talk about.’ 

‘...Ye.’ 

‘Let me start off by asking how you have been feeling lately.’

Well, seeing Cupid as a fat baby everywhere feels kinda good, not gonna lie. But the rest? ‘Not amazing.’ 

He took a moment to look at me in a way that signaled it was going to be heavy from now on. ‘Have you experienced any homophobia in a concrete way?’

Huh? ‘Uh… a couple of times. Once when walking in the city with Will. And when I went to his house with Christmas and got to meet his aunt Natalia. A few other times, which I don’t recall exactly.’ 

‘How did it make you feel?’

I stared at the sand. Not because the question was difficult, but because I had no idea when this guy would finally rip off the bandage and bring up Cupid. 

‘I mean… it’s not nice, but I know that aunt Natalia lives alone and only ever goes out with Christmas to scold her sister and Will and everyone else in the family. I always think that if every homophobe is such a loser, than it can’t possibly bother me for long. And so it never does.’ 

‘That’s good. I thought you’d have more trouble with it. You seemed more down than usual the last few days, that’s why…’ At that point, I stopped listening. I stood there with a blank expression for an undefined amount of time, until I snapped. My throat began to hurt as tears of frustration rose up.

 ‘Are you going to ask me about Cupid or what?’ I spat it at him, before wrapping my arms around my stomach. A few angry tears rolled down my face, while I sobbed softly. After a few seconds of silence, I looked at Dionysus, who seemed… very surprised. 

‘...what?’ 

‘C-cupid. Rome. Jason! The scepter. You know exactly what I am talking about, you always do.’ My shoulders rose, although the surprise and confusion was enough to make the sobbing less violent. 

‘...I must say, I do not. Is this about the death of mister Grace?’ 

Utterly dumbstruck, that is how I felt. I loosend the grip on my stomach, while I stopped sobbing. My fit ebbed away.  ‘...Ah-ha.’ Good, good job, Nico. Absolutely wonderful, the way you just told on yourself. You know exactly what he is going to say next.

‘Yet, it sounds like something that should not go unacknowledged.’ There it is.

‘I…’ - certainly would not mind if we did not acknowledge it - ‘Think you might be right.’ I sunk down into the sand and took a small sip of coke. It prickled on the inside of my mouth. 

‘You called him Cupid.’ Dionysus sat down next to me. 

‘It was Cupid. Not that he looked like one of those Valentine babies. He was the Roman version of Eros, but still very much Eros. You know…’

‘Yes, yes I know, trust me, I know.’ He sighed deeply, just as I did the same thing. Dionysus smiled, before continuing. 

‘Do you want to tell me what happened?’

I put an arm around my stomach again. My first thought was that I did not want to tell him what happened. I jumped into resistance mode and it took quite some time before I could reply. ‘Well… I was in Italy with the others. Jason and I were searching for the scepter of Diocletian, which we needed for...’ Yeah, what for again? ‘We needed it. We figured out that it was in Diocletians’ old palace, which turns out was also Eros, or Cupids, whatever, his old place. We got there and the god of love himself catches on to us. He starts to… fire arrows at us, although it was not his intention to make us fall in love.’ I paused for a second. No, I was quite positive Cupid did not want to make Jason and me fall in love. ‘He wanted me to tell the truth. Only then would he give us the scepter. The truth about…’ I halted right there when I remembered exactly what truth. In a split second I decided that there was no way I would be telling Dionysus that I was once in love with Percy Jackson. ‘...the truth about me liking guys.’

I looked into his eyes. He knew there was something I was not telling him. He did not ask about it, however. ‘Did you feel ashamed of being gay?’

Oh, another obvious one. You know what, I can actually appreciate that right now. ‘Yes, yes I did. In 1930’s Italy, even as a nine year old I came across propaganda that told me liking guys was wrong. I would not say that my mother really enforced that idea. I think.’ Actually, I did not remember. She might have. ‘Then I came to this new America and… that did not just go away, even though…’ I tilted my head sideways and back again. 

‘I know exactly what you mean.’

Thought so. ‘Gay rights were and are, not, like, perfect.’ We both nodded, which made me relax a little more. 

‘The god of love made you tell something you did not want to tell anyone, or not yet at least. Not just because you were afraid of not being accepted, but also because you did not accept yourself. It is no wonder that you are still disstressed about it.’ I let my shoulders hang. ‘Sometimes I still do not know if I…’ I gestured at myself. Dionysus nodded. ‘That’s understandable. It takes a long time to accept that liking guys is a part of who you are. And also that it does not degrade your value as a person.’ 

‘I find it weird, though. How can you… dislike yourself, or part of yourself, so much?’

‘If it is constantly implanted that it is bad to be or feel or like a certain way, you will start to believe it. You’ll feel guilty for being what you are, even if what you are is not wrong.’ 

I fiddled with the bottle. ‘Still… why did Cupid force me to tell…’ alright, he did not force me to tell everyone I was gay. ‘...well, just that. Why did he force me to tell?’ Dionysus sighed deeply. 

‘If I ever find out anything about Eros, you’ll be the first to know. Except that I won’t find out anything, so I don’t know why I promised you that.’ He seemed to think for a second. ‘What I can tell you is that Cupid operates on his own wavelength…’ Yeah, and so do you, that’s not a weird thing for gods, ‘...and he’ll do what others would deem unreasonable stuff. To him, it is not.’ He shrugged. ‘That’s the only thing I learned about him from living on Olympus for a few thousand years. It excuses absolutely nothing and still makes the experience you had horrid, of course.’ I nodded. What I did not know was if he understood that to a mortal, a lot of gods were like that. I decided that know was not the time to ask.

‘I think I now know that being gay is nothing to be ashamed of.’

‘Good. That’s a good thing. I talked to more people who thought that their existence was a sin…’ His eyes could not have rolled farther into his head when he said the word sin, ‘... as if Jesus would give a flip, as if he isn’t too busy curing sick people and cuddling puppies, that’s beside the point, I wanted to tell you that a lot of people thought and think like you did and they could not almost get rid of those thoughts in a year or two. It’s admirable, Nico.’ 

I was sensing there was more that this man could tell me about Jesus. On one hand I was dying to know, on the other hand that was not what we were talking about. ‘That might be because the people around me were mostly accepting, if we forget about aunt Natalia for a moment. Some people poked fun at me for liking…’ Yo, yo, yo, Nico, shut up. You have already said way to much. Dionysus looked like he knew he should disregard that I had been about to say something, except that he really did not want to. ‘...some people…’ Now he seemed torn between telling me that it was alright and that I need not say more and pushing me to finish that sentence. ‘...might advise me to say that it has been enough for today. I… understand what you explained to me.’

Slight disappointment. ‘If you really feel like that, Nico. Yet, I’ll have to come back to Cupid next time. I don’t think we have talked about everything there is to talk about.’ He turned his gaze towards the sea. It was still calm, although I could swear it was slightly roudier than it had been before. As if Poseidon knew what I had been about to say before I cut the session off. ‘You are a valid person, Nico. And your love for that Solace-boy is real, even if it is beyond me why you would date anyone directly related to Apollo.’ As said by his half-brother. ‘Do not let anybody tell you otherwise. Now go, forget what both Will Solace and I keep telling you and shadow travel to France to get him a box of chocolates.’ He stood up, and I did the same.

I took a few big gulps of Japan-limited Strawberry flavoured coke. ‘I was thinking of a different country.’

‘Don’t you dare.’

‘Try to stop me.’ I did not even care - I began to run. It made me feel free, free from homophobia and Cupid, and so I kept running. Valentine's day was coming up. I might not be proud of me all the time, but I would be some day. And until thatn I still had Will. Will, and soon a box filled with real Japanese sushi.

[underwaterwoods]

so i saw the star war

spoilers ahoy

i guess this is just gonna be random bullet points

* i actually feel pretty chill about it. yay for being spoiled. also like.... if you ignore the ridiculous stuff there’s actually a lot to have fun with in this one. i don’t know how i’ll feel about it once i’ve processed it more. i just know i had fun while watching it, which i know isn’t true for everybody. i totally understand the negativity - it all makes sense to me. i’m just glad i sort of.... FORCED myself to have enough distance to just go in like ‘i’M PrepArED fOr wHAtEveR’

*i did like all the jumping around between locations in the first half and how ben would show up everywhere rey was. what a ‘you’re everywhere i go’ pairing. /chef’s kiss/. also having the different locations gives a sense of spaciousness (even if it’s all happening over a short period of time) which i missed in tlj.

*one of the things that gave me the most joy as the hux thing ??? X’’’D it was EXACTLY like that ‘the farce awakens’ ep where hux LITERALLY JOINS THE RESISTANCE cuz he can’t stand kylo. like what kind of fanfic...... how do the hux fans out there feel? (i really love the hux fans they’re a great bunch XD). shame that he was gone right after though.

* i actually enjoyed the trio dynamic? like i get the desire to move away from ‘trio mentality’ but the rey/poe tension with finn as mediator was fun. and finn and poe as joint generals? adorable. shame that the whole finn/poe thing got a bit clouded by.... stormpilot baiting and rose erasure and all the things... Also i’m not anti any character - i like zorii - but.... let poe stay a gay icon? i guess he can still be a queer icon it’s all good i’m down for whatever.

*speaking of finn.... loved seeing more of his humour back. didn’t love that there was no unpacking of how he feels taking out stormtroopers. but loved the found family of jannah and the other ex-stormtroopers. i feel like that gave SOME resolution/depth to finn’s origins. and finn being a non force user but seemingly super attuned to the force and its ways? i can roll with that.

*more speaking of finn... i wonder what they were doing with the ‘thing he wants to tell rey that he never gets to tell rey’. seems like an obvious ‘i love you’ thing. but at the same time we got reylo (/basks in that for a second/). it feels to me like throwing a bone to the finnrey people? like they didn’t get it in this movie but it could be a thing in the future? regaurdless, i did like how finn and rey were very connected and back to that loving friendship they had in tfa. we never quite got the ‘you have a force bond with the supreme leader?!!’ conversation but we got.... SOME conversation.

* speaking of the supreme leader... kinda love that we got renperor AND ben solo TM. i prefer to view ben more holistically (he is both ‘ben’ and ‘kylo’) but i get that making them two distinct identities was a helpful shortcut of sorts. he could ‘kill’ kylo and switch to being ben in a single scene. i always prefer Soft Boi Ben but if we were gonna get Bad Boy Kylo i’m glad they established it right out the gate. it was like ok, this is what to expect; this is where we’re at with this character. 

*ben with his costume change at the end....... omg. gave me BIG smuggler!Ben vibes. urgh, give me all the AUs. ben deserves more.

*the amount of swagger when he was fighting the KOR

*idk i feel like i’m not even touching on the big stuff. this was just a ‘get all my side thoughts out of my system’ post.

*adam’s smile after the kiss though......... ...  /the most beautiful thing in this world/

*truly iconic that people were right about the strategic, covert introduction of force healing via baby yoda like one month before tros.

*oh yeah it was wILD that so much of the imagery from the trailers/tv spots etc was in like the first five mintues of the movie ??? i totally assumed the ‘i have been every voice you’ve ever heard inside your head’ moment would be climactic rather than right up front

*oh yeah the vader mask.... that didn’t really mean anything in the end then did it?

* re: ben’s death. maybe it’s because i was braced for it but in some ways it’s the best way he could have gone. he was definitely happy and reunited with the light - both through love of rey and of his family. hIGHKey could have done with ben’s force ghost also appearing at the end? the only good thing about not seeing it is.... LF deciding to retcon his death ? ??XD obs they’re not gonna but if you want a crackpot silver lining there it is.

*what exactly does rey’s future look like, may i ask?

* oh yeah, Passing The Saber Through The Force. maybe my favourite moment. the force bond as a bare concept is so romantic to me i would watch a whole trilogy just exploring the magic system of that - it’s limitations and possibilities. 

* i do like that jj developed the visual style of the bond. we got to see them occupying the same space, the way each of them would be seeing the other (’can you see my surroundings, i can’t see yours, just you’)

*i miss that rian johnson sound editing on the bond though..... god, the iNTIMACY of the tlj bond scenes....

*’i DID want to take your hand’

*also just the word choice of ‘take your hand’/ ‘i offered you my hand’. it’s extremely marriage.

*there was also a moment in the hanger when ben was like ‘we’re one’ basically? he was saying it in the context of rey’s lineage but still...............the validation. one soul. 

*palps was like ‘you live and die together’ which made me REALLY think of skytalkers podcast. obviously assumed they would both have to LIVE together but.... /deep sigh/

*blah this could go on forever i’ll add more later

edit #1:

* OH YEAH! reverse anidala was such a thing! why did it have to be SO reverse anidala though? X’D instead of taking her life, he gives her his own. (i know it’s not clear anakin totally killed padme etc etc but ya feel me)

* ok i hate that ben died obvs obvs but, taking that for what it is, it was very romeo and juliet. i kinda love just the imagery of it. like... the physical blocking/choreography of adam getting daisy into his arms, holding her, then he falls and it’s her holding him. the way she catches his neck. really reminded me of the smoothness of the bridal carry. and rey’s flexed foot in that moment of shock. love the body language. back to that kind of ‘’staccato’’ rey of tfa days.

edit #2:

*lololol @ LF trying to establish how ‘bad’ kylo is by having him kill a bunch of people in the beginning. it was just.... Hot.

edit #3:

* rose deserves better. obviously. she looked so good though. i like that she had some moments with connix too. 

* ben called han ‘dad’......

*ben standing there, overlooking the waves, with his leG EXTENDED BEFORE HIM. wanderer above a sea of fog. wanderer above a sea of foggg.

* rey having compassion for the snake thing. we been knew. kinda nice to have it in there. obviously good set up for ~later force healing shenanigans~

* OH YEAH OH YEAH. i kept thinking about atla. i know people have been making comparisons to it from the start and i’ve been DEEPLY INTO those comparisons. but it was truly a blessing for me to remember.... there is a version of this out there that you love and that is Good Content TM. legit i can just go watch atla again to heal from this. omg yeah cuz REY HEALING HIS WOUND ALSO HEALED HIS SCAR. very crystal cave.......... nah but nah but - the ‘you are every jedi’ was EXTREMELY avatar-esk..... like, engage avatar state. i don’t like how it ended up being the same old conflict between jedi and sith - ‘good’ and ‘bad’ - OBVIOUSLY THE POINT IS TO INTEGRATE THE CONFLICTING PARTS OF SELF; THE SHADOW SIDE; TO TRANSCEND OLD DICHOTOMIES - but i did love hearing all the voices from past jedi. that’s some good ‘the ancestors are with you’ shit.

edit #4:

* i think the first thing we hear rey say is ‘be with me’? ngl i was like ‘pls be invoking the force bond’ X’D i am a clown. that was a beautiful shot though. and love that a version of the bond kicked in like two seconds after that. 

edit #5:

*there’s that bit where reylo are fighting on the death star ruins and he’s winning and rey kinda falls to her knees panting and lowkey defeated and, not to be a shallow bitch but..... it was Hot.

*also dark rey......... was HOT. SHE WAS SO KIRA, WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT MEANS, AND I WAS INTO IT LIKE HNGGGG

*obvs i wanted rey to be truly no one. but casting jodie comer as rey’s mum ? ????? urgh, pefection, i love it.

*palps was so random i stg..... his plan was.... convoluted to say the least. 

*also who was under all those hoods?

*the KOR just kinda... being around again was hilarious. no explaination required. the boys are back in town. ben facing them without a mask and essentially wearing his pjs? loved it. 

edit #6:

*seriously though ben’s redemption outfit.............. /heart eyes emoji into the sunset/.......... you can see his collar bone.............. /cares about the important things/.................

edit #7:

*one thing i loved about the reylo was how Space Wizards TM they both were in this movie. it so highlights their connection by making it clear that they are each other’s only peer. i thought it would be a thing of ‘why is the supreme leader constantly interacting with/going after this girl?’ but it’s not because it’s so clear that they are the only two people on each others’ level. no one would dare question the fact that they’re constantly circling each other in a lustful murderous rage.

[stars-and-rose]

emily’s notes on dealing with INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS

so it took me an hour and a half to fulling watch the video because I ended up taking seven and a half pages of notes??? i might make a separate post analyzing the characters/the plot in Dealing With Intrusive Thoughts, but we’ll see. with that out of the way, please note that these notes are in chronological order. spoilers under the keep reading

 seven warnings. seven freaking warnings. shit has hit the fan

why is Thomas ME in the mornings

wait no THOMAS BABY AHHHHHH

Virgil and Patton’s expressions when they first come in, oh god, Virgil looks absolutely done and Patton’s playing the ‘nothing is ever wrong’ game again 

ROMAN. THERE IS SOMETHING OFF WITH MY SON AND I’M NOT EVEN TWO MINUTES IN

Patton singing to himself is pretty cute not gonna lie

“secrets secrets are no fun, share with me or else we’re done.”-Roman is me yet again

also “i have yet to receive my invite to the pity party” Ro i can’t-

okay so it seems Virgil Patton and Thomas all know something and they don’t want Roman to know

not gonna lie, watching these three play cover-up is pretty damn funny and Ro is on to them

I AM ONLY 2 MINUTES AND 28 SECONDS INTO THIS AND I WANNA C R Y

Roman calling in Logan for back up? WHOOOOOOO we stan

AHHHH SOMETHING IS VERY W RON G

Logan gets one FALSEHOOD a day?

honestly can't tell if they’re trying to protect Roman or they don’t trust him rn and ahhh that hurts

I’M VERY CONFUSED

i feel like i’m witnessing the logince vs moxiety war

so everyone but Roman knows and everyone but Logan is desperate to keep it that way

???????

 NO ONE IS OKAY

they’re all coming for Ro’s role as the Extra side, huh? we’re hitting some extremes

“you all are acting fishy.” “so what, i’m acting fishy, sush- sue me.” “don’t pretend that wasn’t on purpose.” Roman and Virgil at their finest

why isn’t Roman allowed to know about Thomas’s intrusive thoughts???

“i’m going to prohibit your breathing if you keep this up.” Virgil NO

Virgil Patton what are you doing 

Roman is not going to fall for that distraction

wait no he did

i think everyone is a wee bit high

“have you ever imagined killing your brother”-HOLY SHIT SHIT IS HITTING THE FAN

OH MY GOD THE HANDS BEHIND RO AT 5:58 I JUST SCREAMED

THERE IS A CREEPY RAT MAN BEHIND THE TV

Patton covering his mouth and whispering out evil, and Virgil dropping into his tempest tongue when they see creepy rat man AAHHHHHHHHH

OH MY GOD HE HIT ROMAN HE HIT ROMAN WITH A MORNINGSTAR OH MY IS HE DEAD

“it’s the Duke.” thank you, Logan, BUT WHAT THE EVERLIVING FUCK DOES THAT MEAN

The Duke is so freaking scary i can not-

state farm ad: everything in life is alright with state farm!

me, in hysterics only eight minutes in: nOtHiNg Is AlRiGhT

the Duke’s costume though... the clear elements from Roman but the inverted colors and the Duke feels gaudier

the Duke’s song is so creepy i can’t oh my god he'd been on screen for five minutes and he’s terrifying. The imagery, how dark everything is, how easily he moves around the other sides i’m chilled to the bone

did Roman call the duke bro??? um what???

also isn’t roman unconscious

I WANT MY ROMAN BACKKKKKKK

oh god what happened between Deceit and the Duke

the Duke is fucking terrifying. have i said that yet

i don’t wanna see the dark sides anymore! i’m good

that song is going to haunt me FOREVER

so the Duke is dark fantasies and corrupted creativity definitely Ro’s dark side

i no like

maybe the Duke was able to pop in because Roman’s been hurting recently????

HE JUST PULLED OFF HIS EARS OH GOD

Logan is the only one keeping himself together, i hope he can rationalize the Duke but i fear not

“you’re not creativity!”

“yeah! that’s the brave, handsome (Patton your gay is showing) unbeatable Roman!

*camera cuts to Ro still unconscious muttering about mashed potatoes*

Virgil looked so cute when he blew his bangs out of the way!

back to the angst

‘you’re scary’

*camera cuts to hurt/unimpressed Virgil*

ALSO THE DUKE IS NOT SCARY HE’S TERRIFYING 

everyone is pointing fingers ahahhahah

how quickly Patton believed Logan was actually Deceit OOF when the only evidence for this was based on the fact Logan didn’t agree with Patton/Virgil’s method of dealing with the Duke

Lo: *trying to logic through the situation*

Vee and Pat: please shut your mouth

Logan:*talks about how nothing is black and white*

Thomas: *points out the difference between Roman in white and the Duke in black*

which is an amazing visual for character!Thomas’s black and white thinking

and it’s also an amazing detail to contrast Roman and the Duke. i thought the contrast between Patton and Deceit's suits was cool in SvS, but this is another level

Roman is still unconscious on the floor. the Duke is standing over him. alright, trash rat bastard.

wow i can’t believe my favorite side has a twin brother that’s an actual rodent

holy shit Thomas is such an amazing actor i genuinely cannot handle it, applause applause applause

“Wow, I hate him.” YEAH ME TOO THOMAS

the entire side conversation between Logan and Patton regarding the cradle in the treetop is gold 

have i mentioned that the duke is disturbing yet? there is an EYEBALL on his shoulder

“...........maybe?” oh Patton bb you are trying but you’re not there yet

wow what happened between the Duke and Virgil, because the Duke really don’t like him

ROMAN YOU CAN G E T U P NOW

okay Virgil, that’s fine, break my heart

we’re still stuck on this “is Thomas a good person thing?”

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LOGAN YOU GO SMART BABE

the flashback is just as creepy every time it plays gOD

well Vee got in an uncensored curse

Patton is shook

Virgil legit looks at him like,”you’re really hung up on THAT right now?”

“I’m about to smash the hulk!” what is happening.

“One of you is enough!” yes and I’d prefer Deceit right now!!

Deceit is a shit but he’s a shit with a cause

the Duke is just a rat

Patton is really playing the ignore all our problems card,huh

that didn’t work his arc why is he trying it again???

“this isn’t about me wanting to be listened too” SHOT THROUGH THE HEART, AND YOU’RE TOO BLAME @ logan

Logan almost calling Virgil paranoid HURT

that brings me back to the whole “paranoviligant” scene from the Hogwarts video. both Ro and Lo have prevented themselves from calling Virgil paranoid, even though I feel like meaner things have been said. the word paranoid is significant then. 

also logan quickly fixing his mistake there damn i love him

Thomas pleading with Virgil and Patton hurt me so much AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

“well that can’t be where the bar is” WHAT A PARALLEL

Logan’s speech on religious really hit me. 

i’m Catholic, but I’m also Pansexual.

watching an openly gay man talk about Religion freely made me feel really happy and accepted and i might have cried

also it was such a good way from Logan to make his point

the Duke really threw Patton and Virgil through a loop, huh

LOGAN IS THE BREADWINNER LISTEN TO HIM G O 

okay, theory time: the Duke gets more powerful the weaker Roman gets and vice versa. so to keep the Duke away, Ro needs to get himself in a better place to figuratively defeat the Duke. but how can he get to that better place when it seems everyone is against him?

“i said figuratively. and that is why i say it. THAT *clap* IS *clap* WHY *clap* I *clap* SAY *clap* IT *clap* Lo really went off there, you go you funky little nerd

also Logan claps to emphasize his points a lot and it’s cute

“despite his best efforts, Virgil's could never stop being the bad guy~!” OUCH

you can see the vivid hurt on Virgil’s face when Logan says that it’s his faiult, it looks like he was slapped

and Logan quickly adding “oh and uh Patton.” 

“rEcOrD sCrAtCh?” shut up stinky trash man

and Virgil’s shock that he isn’t the only problem, that isn’t not completely his fault?

and logan’s shock in realizing he isn’t the problem??

not like i needed a heart or anything

wow the Duke finally realized that Logan is going to smite him only took 25 minutes

he really just went off on Logan and Lo’s not even fazed

did the Duke just-

yeah he vored the deodorant

i can’t take this anymore

THE DUKE’S NAME

first of all, he just gave it anyway like it was nothing. the others gave thier names at key moments for them, and the Duke is like, yeah I’m Remus

also I SAW the little look he gave Virgil he’s not fooling me

wait is that why he gave his name so early? to spite Virgil? because Virgil hid his name for so long and such?

that’s it I’m voring the stinky trash bastard 

second, the significance of the name itself. i’m assuming Remus is named after the Remus in Roman mythology. You know, the twins Romulus (hint hint RO nudge nudge) and Remus, the founders of Rome, but in the end Romulus killed Remus and became the city’s namesake

based on the connection of the names, and hoping that Roman is the Romulus of this story, Ro will be able to ‘defeat’ Remus one day

DID LOGAN JUST BARE HIS TEETH AT REMUS

he did OH MY GOD

Roman, still unconscious on the floor, telling Remus to shut up and defending Lo? we stan (one) creativity twin 

well Remus just shuriikened Logan in the forehead

Logan simply falling for a brief moment then fixing the wound? he’s really a badass huh

Logan just summed up this entire shebang by saying,”if things one and two stop fearing the psycho asshole he’ll have no power.” alright Lo you go

LOGAN ALL THE WINS

Remus is really fucking dramatic huh, really seeing how he can be Roman’s twisted twin

really, Ro is chaotic good and Remus is straight up chaotic evil

“is he gone” you can’t be falling for that they’re ten minutes left on the episode

they fell for it

Virgil’s brutal honesty in listening off Thomas’s problems oof

“what if you sniffed your dogs butt?” Remus is getting a bit milder the more Logan talks him down, Lo is truly a king

“just shut up” WHOOOOO THOMAS

Patton and Virgil listening to Lo? GIVE ME AN AMEN

now we just need Ro to jump on the listening-to-Lo-express

 AND LOGAN SAYING “IT’S OKAY” AND COMFORTING THE OTHER THREE  AND BEING GENTLE WHOOOOOOO NO MORE OF THAT EMOTIONLESS BULLSHIT LOGAN WE KNOW YOU CARE ABOUT THEM

Logan’s speech on therapy? FANTASTIC, GIVE HIM AN AWARD

Patton admitting and realizing his over controlling methods and flaws??? we stan character development

VIRGIL JUST CALLED REMUS A COMMON COLD I CAN’T

but really, Virgil telling Remus off and calling him a pest not worth his time?? a king

“it was just like old times!” the look Patton and Logan share, they definitely are aware of Virgil’s past with the dark sides/ possibly being one and they are done with Vee being harassed

STINKY TRASH BASTARD IS GONE

ROMAN IS NOT DEAD

but his line, “I can see now why everyone was reluctant to tell me what was going on.” confused me

why didn’t the other warn Roman that Remus could be coming? it’s not like Roman didn’t know Remus existed (they are literally twins) and the other knew Remus existed so I'm not sure what all the secrecy was about. if the sides warned Ro, he could have been prepared, and you know, not unconscious for most of the video.

EVERYONE IS SO CONCERNED FOR RO AHHHHH

literally i might have screamed

i definitely did

when Roman used the same insult/nickname as Remus to Logan, how distraught he looked oh god

maybe that’s why Roman’s so much of a perfectionist,,, he’s so desperate to not be like Remus, Roman forces himself to be the exact opposite and it’s causing him pain

the little smiles everyone gives Lo at the end??? AHHHHHHHH

Thomas thanking logan and calling him Cool, and Logan just sinking out in response?????

SOFT SOFT SOFT

the entire like thirty seconds Roman and Remus share the screen, RO looks so uncomfortable 

there has to be something else that happened between them,not just they being exact opposites... not sure on what

it also seems like Logan is getting better but Roman is falling down the rabbit hole and getting even worse

the funhouse mirror metaphor HURT

Roman is really coming for Patton’s nothing-is-ever-wrong game huh?

also just noting the parallels between Roman and Remus, the hand gestures, even how they both sink out with the same BYEEEEEEEE!

Virgil babey don’t blame yourself-

holy shit Virgil just dropped the mic

really that scene broke my heart

it wasn’t the reveal itself, but damn the delivery

Virgil looks on the verge of tears,puts himself out there and telling Thomas that he was a dark side and being met by silence???

my HEART

Thomas is such an incredible actor i cannot-

side note, how did Thomas not know? i believe the other sides know (someone please ask me about this so i can rant) and Vee was never exactly sutble about it and Deceit and Remus both taunted him about the past??

is character!Thomas just that dense??

so it seems like Logan is doing better, Patton is decent for the moment, but Virgil and Roman are both struggling right now

it feels like Roman’s arc is very drawn out, so i feel like things are getting worse before they get better

as for Virgil, i REALLY want the next video to be about how the past doesn’t define you and end with the other comforting Vee.

dear G O D why is Remus eating deodorant??

also, i really want to know what is actually the deodorant

or is Thomas actually eating deodorant

SOMEONE PLEASE CALL POISON CONTROL-

[warpedpuppeteer]

Guardian (Zhen Hun)

So I just binge watched the web-drama Guardian (based on a BL novel).The two main actors; Johnny Bai Yu and Zhu Yi Long  ARE LITERALLY THE FUCKING BEST. These two carry the entire show on their backs. 

Even though they’re not supposed to portray their characters as lovers (censorship issues made them have an intense bromance instead) it’s ALL THEY DO FOR THE ENTIRE SHOW. And its absolutely freaking beautiful. They do such a fantastic job of bringing the characters to life and portray the love between them without it explicitly being stated. They were ordered to make it as no homo as possible but everyone on the show just went ‘catch these hands homophobes’ and made it MO HOMO instead. Like, the homo-est. Look at this cute shit guys, like HOW DARE

The story is about the Special Investigation Department, a department that deals with special cases that threatens the peace between the Haixings (humans), the Yashous and the Dixings (the supernaturals). Zhao Yun Lan (Bai Yu), the unruly head of the SID is in the midst of investigating a murder on campus when he crosses paths with the reserved Shen Wei (Zhu Yi Long), a Professor of Bioengineering at the Uni. Zhao Yun Lan constantly has a feeling of deja-vu around Shen Wei. Unbeknownst to him, they have known each other from10 000 years ago, a past that only Shen Wei remembers. 

They have AMAZING and PERFECT chemistry. I’m not kidding. Their scenes, touches, gazes, dialogues and all their micro-expressions (Zhu Yi Long especially) are done in a way that leaves no room for anyone to have any doubt about their relationship. I mean look:

(The worried boyfriend)

(The compulsory ‘can I trust you’ angst)

(The actually we’re a married couple fluff) 

(The flirting, oh my god the flirting. Most of it by Zhao Yun Lan I assure you, because he’s basically a shameless hussy. I love it.)

The crew also did their best in putting in as many easter eggs and details as they can to reflect their real relationship as lovers. For example, Yun Lan’s hairstyle changes halfway through the show to reflect the traditional Chinese culture of having a woman change her hairstyle after getting married implying that Yun Lan has found his husband. ( In the novel, it’s established that Shen Wei is the top and Yun Lan is the bottom. I absolutely love this because first of all hello? role reversal of where the quiet, soft and pretty one tops the hot roguish bad boy? Hell yeah!) 

Back to the plot. So the main plot is for them to find the person who’s looking to break the peace between the 3 tribes by using the Four Holy Artefacts that created the peace between them in the first place a long time ago while trying not to jump each other’s bones on the nearest flat surface. 

Seriously guys, the thirst is real. You can see the 10000 YEARS OF SEXUAL AND ROMANTIC FRUSTRATION between them. There are several scenes where you’d think they’re just going slam the other onto the nearest flat surface and just go at it! 

(Zhao Yun Lan, pls control yourself you self proclaimed horndog)

The mild mannered Professor is also secretly the Black Cloaked Envoy (the show never settles on a proper translation for his name), one of the most powerful and revered people from Dixing. He helps out Zhao Yun Lan as Shen Wei with his knowledge about the supernatural (a flimsy excuse from the pervy Yun Lan who’s mesmerised by his gorgeousness and sweet and kind personality) as well as the completely badass Black Cloaked Envoy (in a black robe and mask obviously) who keeps bailing Yun Lan’s dumb ass out of trouble (while also thirsting for the completely flirty and shameless idiot like nobody’s business). 

The immediate supporting casts are pretty good even though their characterisation has been shot to hell (some are completely different from their novel counterparts) and have too many inconsistencies. They’re doing their best in working with the material that they were given. Bonus point is that they’re all so freaking gorgeous, so be prepared to have a sexual awakening (I’m just saying, there’s something for everyone). The music’s good as well.

Also, get ready for the ANGST. Like so much angst. Even the straight and minor relationships didn’t escape. Fair warning that it doesn’t have a happy ending, Though I personally think it was a bittersweet ending, a LOT of people hate the ending with a fiery passion. So much so that the author actually wrote a short chapter for the novel after the show to ‘fix’ the shitty ending. Hit me up if you want the spoiler for the ending of the show so that you can decide to watch it or not. 

I’ll just like to let you know that it’s not a good show as a whole at all.The CGI is absolute fucking crap and the plot unveils like someone decided to write down several ideas, stuck them on board, mounted the board on a wall and decided to write next scenes based on which storyline they hit with their darts. The pacing is all over the place. There are some parts where the characters are talking and there are added dialogues that they don’t even TRY to match the tone of the original recording.

This could have legitimately been a fantastic show but because of financial issues and censorship problems they had to scrape by with what they had (which clearly wasn’t a lot). The entire plot from the novel had to go through a major overhaul because it deals with Gods, ghosts/spirits and gay characters which all fall under censored topics. Basically, all the core premises of the novel had to be changed in order to make this show happen. 

It’s such a shame because I read the translated version of the novel and its not only hilarious but the supernatural aspect of it is way scarier and more intense than anything on the show. They found the absolutely perfect actors to play the leads as well.

Seriously, the wasted potential of this show makes me wail in despair. Remember Guardian: The Lonely and Great God (also known as Goblin) the Korean show? They basically have the same premise of meeting your long lost soulmate and I can only imagine on how this show would have been if it had been done in just the same way as Goblin. 

IN CONCLUSION, even though its labelled as ‘bromance’, this show proves that you don’t have to kiss or declare I love you’s to show your love for someone. 

Also everything is garbage except for the main leads and their chemistry. So watch it, get a new OTP, marvel at how good the acting is and find yourself having 2 more brilliant actors for you to obsess over and appreciate. After the show, read the novel (it’s still being translated). It’s absolutely hilarious. Also, listen to the damn love song they recorder together.Come flail with me about them.

[hgfstreamchats]

100 Scariest Movie Moments

Me Evening, Jalaperilo human! Jalaperilo Evening! just us? Me At the moment. Jalaperilo cool cool. hope the usual suspects turn up. i could do with a laugh Me You too? Jalaperilo yup. must be cause its halloween. makes everyone really shitty even though its the best holiday of the year, apart from pancake day

Me There we are! Jalaperilo yey! Jalaperilo If you're interested in horror and havent seen it yet, 'A History of Horror with Mark Gatiss' is a very good series from the BBC Me I think I absolutely need to see this. Jalaperilo he has a love for hammer horror and its fascinating to watch him go in depth on early horror Me Your horror scene fascinates me. You do so much with so little. Jalaperilo urgh Me As you do. Jalaperilo i love the birds Me Frightening and plausible. Birds are loveless beings. Jalaperilo they are Jalaperilo they threw brids at tippy hendren Me Just chucked them. Jalaperilo how did this beat out 28 days later? Me Gross injustice. Me So their eyes are cortical patches, basically. Jalaperilo haha. if only shockwave had made something already creepy even fucking scarier Me Give him time. Jalaperilo please lock him up haha Me Oh, Argento films. Jalaperilo your fave Me Well, maybe you should have been a better kisser. Jalaperilo it was really her, she just got bored of pretending he was good Me Hah! Me How did *this* beat out 28 Days Later? Jalaperilo right? weird. its not scary i love the wizerd of oz Me "Those terrible little vests." Jalaperilo what is it about british children that other countries think are creepy all the kids i know are little shits Me I've always wondered about that one myself. Jalaperilo I wonder if Alien is gonna be on this list, cause that is quite horror like Me Do you want me to tell you if it is? Jalaperilo sure. i dont think im gonna last the full 3 hours lol Me It is. Jalaperilo \O/ Me I didn't expect anyone to! I intended this to be one of those things people can drop in and out of, but no one else is dropping in. Jalaperilo cowards Me I thought she was going to leave it at "Don't buy a house." Jalaperilo hahah i thought all of the USA was built on indian burial grounds? Me True! Jalaperilo i love how Bela Lugosi's accent influenced all future instances of dracula Me You just can't improve on it. Jalaperilo sings is a stupid film signs* Me It has a terrible ending. Jalaperilo it just doesnt make sense why the aliens would come to earth Me The dimmest aliens in the history of the universe. Jalaperilo lol tony todd! what a voice Me It's a *very* nice voice. Jalaperilo urg WHAT Me And this beat out Bees In the Mouth. Jalaperilo god people will say anything as a talking head Me They don't even show it, like they're properly ashamed for including it. Jalaperilo haha. i watched that film multiple times as a kid and it never scared me Me The only human horror film I've ever been frightened by is The Brave Little Toaster. Jalaperilo understandable all the cybertronians i follow or seen have expressed a dislike for that film Me It's just not necessary. Jalaperilo this is the only shyamalan film i like, but my dad did spoil it for me so i knew everything already Me And the twist is basically everything. Jalaperilo ikr? what a twat Jalaperilo reanimator! my fave of all time! Me Isn't that the one where one of the humans sounds eerily like Ratchet? Jalaperilo yes! and he messes around injecting green shit into things as well! Me Ratchet's no longer allowed to judge me. Jalaperilo i think the cat scene should have been the example. the swinging light makes it so much scarier Me I don't think that's making love. Jalaperilo it still gets me Me Although she doesn't seem to be tied down to anything. Jalaperilo also her dad's zombie corpse is also in the room its so messe up but so much fun Me Kinky? Jalaperilo im kinkshaming Me Ooh! Jalaperilo i havent seen this film looks intereszting Me I'm very tempted to stream it someday. Me I can understand why humans cringe at this one. Jalaperilo bones and teeth are awful blood and guts im fine Me That sound would bother me too if I only got one set of teeth. Me More teeth. Jalaperilo wasnt there a recent story of an old dentist office that was being redeveloped and they found thousands of teeth in the wall? Me That's even worse. Jalaperilo ikr? why keep them? its like you keeping used transistors or something Me Exactly. There's no non-horrifying reason for it. Jalaperilo whoa! r-word! Me But the corpse head was lovemaking. Seems legit. Jalaperilo but what could have been the difference! Me We'll just never know!

Me Hello there, Nickel! Minibot-Nickel Heya knocky~ Jalaperilo yo! Minibot-Nickel Heya~ Me I like how the rabbit is the line. Jalaperilo animals are where we draw the line. fuck other humans Me It's a reasonable line. Minibot-Nickel people in animal suits freak me out Jalaperilo *insert furry joke* Minibot-Nickel *shudders* Me There really isn't. Minibot-Nickel you know... hearing my tea maker brewing is probably not helping with the scary aspect of the show XD Jalaperilo haha Me Oh, I like The Vanishing. Jalaperilo mark kermode is one of our greatest film critics he's the only one i'll really listen to Me He seems like he knows his scrap. Minibot-Nickel *holds out rust sticks* want some? Me Thank you! Jalaperilo he's incredibly fair in his critiques Minibot-Nickel so THAT'S mr. del toro~ Jalaperilo one for you ko! Me Indeed! Me That seems short-sighted. Jalaperilo the oldies are the best Me No arguments here. Jalaperilo ok.im tapping out. enjoy the rest of the countdown! Me Good night, Jalaperilo human! Jalaperilo ill have to look up what number 1 is Me It's...a movie, to be sure. Jalaperilo good night knockout-cybertronian! no way! good night nickle! Minibot-Nickel Night, night, jalaperilo-firend~ Me And he just casually props them up. That won't go wrong. Minibot-Nickel This halloween, i want to give myself nightmares~ Me 'Tis the season. Minibot-Nickel if this doesn't do it, then i'm gonna watch ghost stories/adventures/hunters tomorrow~ Me And even if it does! Minibot-Nickel i'll drink to that~ Minibot-Nickel phone just rang and scared the hell out of me Me Rude of you, phone. Minibot-Nickel on the up side, mun's going swimming tomorrow Me He just toddles out the door. Minibot-Nickel i'm curious what the hell it was Me You're not the only one. Minibot-Nickel (red, white, blue, finials and a judgmental stare) Minibot-Nickel i've always wanted to see the hills have eyes Me It's a rough one. Minibot-Nickel oh? spoilers? Me This happens, for starters. Minibot-Nickel OAO Minibot-Nickel now this sounds fun Me That human has a fun job. Minibot-Nickel i wonder what would happen if a realistic zombie movie was made? Me 28 Days Later was fairly realistic. Minibot-Nickel oh~ i'll have to look into it. though i can say with confidence than zombies wouldn't last long in florida Me Florida, where no one should ever be. Minibot-Nickel the hell state Minibot-Nickel what was that one movie about the haunted big rigs who menaced the humans looking for fuel? Me That's the one! Minibot-Nickel which one? i've seen it, but can't remember the name Me Duel? Minibot-Nickel oh~ i'll haveta rewatch it Minibot-Nickel kill it with fire Me Kill it with extra fire. Me I think it's fairly obvious he wants to frag him. And also ruin his life. Me No, no. You knew exactly what their relationship was. Why are humans like this? Minibot-Nickel what did i miss? Me The Hitcher, the big gay horror road movie. Also The Fly. Minibot-Nickel the big gay horror road? Minibot-Nickel children are demons confirmed Me Human ones especially. And yes, The Hitcher's a very twisted romance. Minibot-Nickel human children.... why do they exist? Minibot-Nickel one nearly busted my audials... Me How did that happen? Minibot-Nickel teen sex SHOULD be met with carnage and i think the kid didn't get a sweet they wanted at a checkout line Me I do love that movie. Minibot-Nickel if ya wanna do a movie night one day, i'll make the sweets and some high grade drinks~ Me Sounds lovely! Minibot-Nickel it'll be so great~ Minibot-Nickel i wanna see this Me I like the title. Minibot-Nickel that guy has an unfortunate last name Me Which one? Minibot-Nickel rockoff Me Hah. Me Well, good luck, kids! Minibot-Nickel *chinhands* Me HAH! Today Me Who sleeps with a single light shining on their face? Minibot-Nickel no one sane Me Nothing of value was lost. Me HERE WE ARE! Minibot-Nickel i bet you anything, soundwave'd do that XD Me I'd believe it. Minibot-Nickel vos did that to me once and i couldn't sleep for a week after Me Oh, yes, yes, this is what I love. Best of movies, best of humans. Minibot-Nickel humans really have a wide variety of ways to kill each other Me Well, so do we. Minibot-Nickel true. very true Me Astrotrain? Minibot-Nickel astrotrain? Me "Lie down and the devil will come have sex with you." Minibot-Nickel did astro fuck unicron? Minibot-Nickel we're at jacobs ladder Me I think so? Me There we are. Apologies for that. Minibot-Nickel it's no prob~ Minibot-Nickel "torture is love" the djd's motto Me I see why you're so popular throughout the multiverse. Minibot-Nickel believe it or not, but i got the hell out of dodge Me Really! Minibot-Nickel yup. i'm a free range medic now. the others are either smeared or atomic dust now Me Worse things to be than a free range medic. Minibot-Nickel true. might open up a bakery Me Ooh! Minibot-Nickel yep~ roll out the sweets~ Me The noblest profession. Minibot-Nickel and of course, in the back room come the medicinal sweets~ Minibot-Nickel i have an uncle named damien Me It's a nice name, honestly. Minibot-Nickel scream sounds funny Me You know, I've never seen it! But it does. Me This one *technically* has eye business, heads up. Minibot-Nickel wanna wait for it to buffer for a bit? Me But no damage to the eyeball itself, if that makes a difference. Minibot-Nickel i wanna see this so bad Me It's a good one. Minibot-Nickel love the pun you made earlier Me Not the eyeballs. The area around them. Me I do my best. Minibot-Nickel oooooo top ten~ Me Starscream, hello! You're just in time for the final stretch. Minibot-Nickel hello screamy~ Starscreamapillar Excellent. I was hoping to not miss the whole stream. Me Sproing. Starscreamapillar The scariest thing in the world is the neighbours. Not inaccurate... Me Not at all. Minibot-Nickel (i was too oblivious to notice highschool hell XD) Minibot-Nickel there's nothing more frightening than an expert weilding powertools Starscreamapillar You mean a medic? Me I was about to say, I take offense. Me Look at that rowdy old man go. Starscreamapillar These descriptions, without having actually seen the movie in full, make it sound very bizarre, but not scary. Me I found it bizarre, but not all that scary. Me Why would you follow a sound? Ever? Starscreamapillar Why would you follow that sound, in particular? Me Natural selection, presumably. Starscreamapillar That is not the best way to stab someone. Me Just wave the knife around and see what happens. Starscreamapillar Also not how to correctly fall down the stairs. Me Poor marks, stairs human. Go back and do it right. Starscreamapillar Dull surprise. Me Except for that. Minibot-Nickel XDDD Me Good for the mother. She's living her best afterlife. Minibot-Nickel it's what i wanna do in the afterlife Starscreamapillar Space crackers. They contain more sodium than earth crackers. Me And more space. Minibot-Nickel OAAAAAAOOOO Starscreamapillar They really think that a fish is the scariest? Me They thought Willy Wonky's boat ride was worse than 28 Days Later. Starscreamapillar . . . This list seems highly flawed. Me Maybe that was their logic. Give the first place to something no one would agree with as the scariest. Me Oh, no! A shark is doing shark things in the only place on Earth a shark lives! Starscreamapillar The horror! Me "But statistically speaking, almost surely won't!" Me Alright! It's late, but just one more for the road. Starscreamapillar Excellent. Minibot-Nickel one more three hour movie thing? Me Yes, Nickel. One more three hour movie thing. Me Still scarier than Jaws. Starscreamapillar It truly was, David S. Pumpkins. Minibot-Nickel true Starscreamapillar Absolutely. Me Well, on THAT note, I'm off into the dark to see what made our power glitch. Where nothing can possibly go wrong. Starscreamapillar Try not to be eaten by scraplets. Minibot-Nickel i'm gonna ty to not murder the neighbors~ they have their music blaring. it's midnight Me Just make sure to dissolve the spark chambers. Good night, everyone! So glad you could make it! Starscreamapillar Good night, and thank you for the nonsense, even if I missed most of it. Minibot-Nickel *hugs the knocky and screamy* Me You caught the choicest part.

[rheaitis]

Writing has been #difficult this week. I was gonna write about my own mental state as part of Mental Health Awareness Month, but apparently I'm not well enough to be able to write that stuff out for strangers yet. Moving on, then.

Today marks the first day of US Pride Month, so the five media posts this month are all gonna be queer as hell. And, like, happy; no dead queers here, so buckle in that rainbow seatbelt, cause this is gonna be one gay-ass ride.

Today's media is some 38 episodes long, and both diverse and diversely queer. It's got transformative work, it's got early eighteenth-century politics, it's got pirates, it's got treasure, it's got lesbians and bi women and genderqueer historical figures, it's got long-term committed poly folk, it's got blood, it's got gore, it's got amaaaazing black women ruling their own communities with care and compassion, it's got disabled folk being given focus and allowed agency, it's got conspiracies and alliances and mentoring between people of all genders and generations, it's got really lovely cinematography and music, it's got Toby Stephens' fabulous micro-expressions.

That's right, gentlefolk, today's media consumption is Black Sails. This is more of a weekend binge project, or a month-long thing if you're inclined to be sensible about things. It is also aimed at creasedknees, because I want her to watch it so we can squee.

Black Sails is a prequel of sorts to Treasure Island, dealing with the adventure that leads to the discovery and burial of that treasure. It takes up Captain Flint (Toby Stephens), Billy Bones (Tom Hopper) and of course John Silver (Luke Arnold) from the novel, and peoples itself with various fictional and fictionalised historical figures of the time, most significantly Jack Racham, Anne Bonny, and Charles Vane, who function as foils to our heroes throughout the show. I'm going to talk about them in just a bit but first Our Hero Captain James Flint, whom I adore entirely. (I want to like John Silver, but as in the novel Silver is a marvelously done character, without ever being someone it's safe to trust wholeheartedly or really at all.)

Captain Flint kills someone in the very first episode, and he doesn't actually get any nicer. (Even that killing is preceded by the pirate crew taking a ship with due savagery, so if you dislike gore I sadly cannot recommend watching this series.) In fact he escalates considerably, up from individual acts of piracy to cannonades directed at cities, and the show doesn't particularly gloss over this violence or the human cost entailed. Flint is the most consistently Slytherin character I have ever seen (and the fact that he resembles his mother to the last and most infinitesimal degree is often jarring): a man of vaulting ambition and enormous rage, with a capacity to hold onto grudges undiminished over a decade and longer. I love him. I love him absolutely, and not just because he is so wonderfully tender with all the women around him without ever doubting or trivialising their personhoods or capacity for doing what they set hands and minds to, though that is admittedly a very large part of why.  Flint is always furious, always hurting, always ruthless with himself and his crew and associates, groaning away from a primal wound.

Primal wounds are maybe a good way to talk about this show without showering people with spoilers, as so many of the main characters have such wounds, inflicted by living in systems characterised by ills ranging from slave trafficking, bonded labour, debt prisons, early marriage, sexual violence, weaponised misogyny and institutionalised homophobia, and too often and deeply realistically by the rutted interstices of such injustice. Again realistically, the show's leads do not emerge from these experiences as noble crusaders, but rather as a den of Slytherins desperate to get ahead in whatsoever manner they can, and find whatever they think of as safe harbour: from Max (one of the characters original to the show and superbly played by Jessica Parker Kennedy) who wants to leave behind her miserable childhood and exploited adulthood by gaining entry into the Big House where life is soft and easy, to Madi who wants to lead her enslaved people into liberty, to Rackham who wants to make his mark on the world through narrative instead of having his story told as one of crushing poverty and debt. Our villains have stories as well, but even the few delineated in any detail are effectively subsumed in the institutional machines of which they are privileged cogs.

But important as all these stories are in motivating and substantiating the show, Flint's is the wound at the core of Black Sails. There are problems with this centering of white queer trauma in a show that, set in West Indies, could and almost certainly ought to have instead centered PoC and enslavement. It does deal with these issues, and inarguably allows Max and Madi Scott together as much space as Flint. Still, one has to accept at the start that this is a show about queer resistance that includes other aspects of marginalisation, rather than being a show of marginalised resistance against the institutions  perpetrating and perpetuation said marginalisations. Significantly, Max and Mr. Scott are not initially characterised as being interested in working towards liberation, but the viewer complaints about the slow reveal of Mr. Scott's plans in this regard seem as facile as the screaming about Flint being queer.

I can go on about this show endlessly, as T, poor child, can easily testify, because I love everything about it, from the cinematography, to the gore, to the wlw relationships and just Anne Bonny queen of my heart and every violent impulse. And I do think that if I was a better person I would dwell longer on the gorgeous and deeply complex relationships between Charles Vane, Jack Rackham Anne Bonny and Max, and how I want them all to be alive and married but for Charles and Max to never ever ever touch, OR for Charles to scrub himself raw and bleeding before he's ever allowed to be near Max, and also Max's brilliance and subtlety and compassion and ruthlessness, how she's clung on to kindness in a deeply unkind existence and how that in no way signifies a lack of Nature, red in tooth and claw, and the way her change of clothing reflects and reiterates her change of status and and just. Her faaace, her golden glowing beauty and that heart-stopping smile. But the thing is my interests were set early and I imprinted on exactly one sort of character as a child and I continue to love them more than anything, and much as I adore Max, and much as I worship Madi Scott's regal compassion and strategic mind and her trust in and friendship with Flint and her renewed affection for Eleanor (whom I love also! and who is so sharp and such a merchant-prince and so tramelled by her gender), well. Look. I love Flint. I love his anger, and his sorrow, and his everything. I think it's remarkable how Flint’s story goes from Achillean (my lover is dead I will go to war, my lover is dead I will burn down this town, fight this empire, challenge fate/gods) to Odyssean (I am home from the wars and here is my lover who has longed for me as I for him). But what I love the most is how in a story that is almost entirely about stories and how and when and by whom they are told, Flint gets to say, angry and wounded and betrayed again,

This is how they survive. You must know this. You're too smart not to know this. They paint the world full of shadows... and then tell their children to stay close to the light. Their light. Their reasons, their judgments. Because in the darkness, there be dragons. But it isn't true. We can prove that it isn't true. In the dark, there is discovery, there is possibility, there is freedom in the dark once someone has illuminated it.

I love it so much, so intensely, so much more than Rackham's playing around with narratival style and truth, I love my sad bi ginger pirate uncle, and so would you if you gave the show a chance. It's all on directseries.net, at fairly good quality, with subtitles and everything. Please pretty please?

[crassussativum]

ooc- Sort of a book review

((So with all this free time on my hands and when I’m not deep into a project of my own or something with the kids and online school, I picked up a few books I’ve been meaning to read again or for the first time. One book, The Ritual, by Adam Nevill, is what I wanna talk about today. There will be spoilers in my sort of review so everything is going to go down under the cut. The Ritual is also a Netflix original and based on the book and this is probably the only time you’ll ever hear me say the movie is better.

Here’s the synopsis from Amazon: “When four old University friends set off into the Scandinavian wilderness of the Arctic Circle, they aim to briefly escape the problems of their lives and reconnect with one another. But when Luke, the only man still single and living a precarious existence, finds he has little left in common with his well-heeled friends, tensions rise. With limited experience between them, a shortcut meant to ease their hike turns into a nightmare scenario that could cost them their lives. Lost, hungry, and surrounded by forest untouched for millennia, Luke figures things couldn't possibly get any worse. But then they stumble across an old habitation. Ancient artifacts decorate the walls and there are bones scattered upon the dry floors. The residue of old rites and pagan sacrifice for something that still exists in the forest. Something responsible for the bestial presence that follows their every step. As the four friends stagger in the direction of salvation, they learn that death doesn't come easy among these ancient trees . . .”

The first chapter sets things up really nicely, you get a broad sense of the characters and their dynamics, the setting and that sort of thing. It also briefly shows the terrible danger they don’t realize they’re going to face in the forest. The second chapter takes place four hours before the first, and the third chapter takes place four hours and twenty minutes after the second. This is totally unnecessary and a little confusing because the chapters are so short at less than five pages each that it just wasn’t needed. This is just a literary nitpick of mine, the chapters are otherwise good.

From there the story really gets going. They find the house in the woods, it’s falling apart and decrepit, stinking and stale. There’s animal bones everywhere, religious symbols and a real fucked up altar in the attic. They’ve no choice but to spend the night due to weather. They all have terrible nightmares and in the morning, they hightail it out of the house.

There’s a lot of chapters of being lost in the woods, of arguing with each other over being lost, injured and scared. All this adds to the atmosphere and tension but it really did seem to drag on forever. At some point they find an old church-like building and its altars and gathering of bones is even more fucked up than what they found in the house. They talk about it briefly and then they don’t again, to this point they haven’t talked about the house or their collective nightmares either. It bugs me because actual people and not characters would address these things. Again, a literary nitpick.

The weather, exhaustion and injury force them to camp for the night again. More nightmares and something attacks them and drags one of them off. They find the body later and I have to say, without detail, this was well done. Choppy and fast but you get a sense of the actual fear the characters are feeling and it’s good.

Another day lost, another night with no choice but to make camp, and another attack and death. Again, this is well done. These chapters were probably my favorites in terms of just how well and real their fear was portrayed. So we’re down to two characters, both injured, both exhausted, both terrified and food and water are gone. They don’t make camp this night, they keep moving and are eventually separated. The character we’re following is terribly injured by the thing in the woods and passes out.

The second half of the book begins, literally a part 2. And here is where everything really interesting just kind of stops and where my biggest complaints are. There’s still a few interesting things but the author just states them and doesn’t do anything with them and that was disappointing.

Okay, so our character is terribly hurt, like his head is cracked like an egg terribly hurt. He’s found by three teenagers: Loki, Fenris and Sturr. These three are batshit crazy and just fucking stupid. Why are they fucking stupid? Because they are a death-metal band called “Blood Frenzy” with that nasty cakey white and black face paint under taxidermy animal head masks. They rant and rave about fuck god and fuck Christians and fuck gays and all that rhetoric, and “we’re Vikings! We worship Odin and the Old Ones!” and it’s just so stupid and grating and I almost put the book down. I would have if I hadn’t known for certain that there was in fact an Old One in the woods. So they’re stupid and I hate them and everything with those three in particular is just shit.

But there’s an old woman in the house, a tiny old woman with heavy feet. There are ancient godlike beings in the attic that are both dead and alive. Interesting, right? Too bad nothing is really done with them.

So the three dumbfuck caricatures string our surviving character up from a blackened and inverted cross {can you see me rolling my eyes here?} and naked dance to call the Old One but it doesn’t show up, our character passes out again. And skip forward a day. Our character wakes, finds himself unbound, clothed and now armed with a weapon given to him by the old woman. He kills the three dumbfucks and the ancient things in the attic and runs out of the house. The old woman is in the yard chanting and hey, she’s got goat legs. He kills her too, finds some keys and takes the truck parked by the house. The Old One in the woods chases him, causes him to wreck the truck but somehow he kills it and manages to walk away relatively fine if traumatized. This is where the books ends.

Now if I told you how completely and thoroughly this Old One was killing, you would call bullshit like I did. I’m so disappointed I don’t even want to put the book on my shelf as much as I just want to toss it somewhere and forget about it. The first half was excellent, if lacking in a few areas but I’m pretty sure it was Adam Nevill’s first novel so that’s okay. The second half just sucked {mainly because of the three dumbfucks} and I only made it to the end because I was expecting more thanks to having watched the movie last year.

Let me tell you about the movie. It follows the first half of the book to a T. It’s creepy and tense. Watching it, you feel like you’re lost in the woods with them with something you can’t explain out there watching you. It also has a subplot that the book doesn’t to better explain the tension between the four main characters and our survivor’s mindset. It’s good, a little clunky but it fills in those spots that were lacking in a decent way.

In short order we’re down to two survivors. Another house and some cult that finds them. They don’t speak, you never really get a good look at them and their motivation is completely unknown and THAT’S WHY IT WORKS because you and the characters have no idea what they want. There’s a just a burning effigy on the lawn and chanting and holy fuck that tree that’s not a tree just stood up at the edge of the forest. That Old One that speaks with the voice of a loved one is legit terrifying and my limited knowledge of Slavic folklore tells me it’s a Johtunn or a Leshy, which might be the same thing but either way, terrifying.

And just like that we’re down to one survivor and a fevered escape and while the ending of the movie is similar to the end of the book, it’s a different kind of bleakness that didn’t leave me near as disappointed. I probably won’t read any more of Adam Nevill’s books, but I’m damn sure going to watch the movie again.))

[sweetandunholy]

“Remember this feeling. This is the moment you stop being the rabbit.”

A marvelous character exploration on a team composed of broken, angry people. Misfits in their society coming together to become one great, holy mess— with nothing in common with great passion for a sport and terrible pasts of crime coming to haunt them.

3.5/5 Stars Recommendation: This book is great but it is once more, not for everyone.

—First and foremost, I apologize for doing two reviews of this type of “good but for a niche crowd” books back to back, but I find out and binge read this book yesterday—

A book recommended for those who loved the Raven Cycle! Strongly character driven books with an assortment of original and complex characters taking the narrative along each character arc. This first book does not include a romantic subplot so those who are expecting that, at least in the first book, will find themselves disappointed. This is also for those who don’t mind a book that’s average in its writting style at best, and instead is fully worth it because of its plot. Unlike Stiefvater’s The Raven Cycle, the prose is poor and non-existing, but it is what the book has to say that matter.

Let’s get something super straight: I only read this book because of the name. To the point that fact is, I only found out about this book when googling J. Maas’es A Court of Thorns and Roses and getting in return: Frequently asked questions “What is the Foxhole Court?”. My immediate thoughts went over to our lovable fox Lucien from the aforementioned series and the fact it had “Court” written on it. I did not look up the cover, I did not look up reviews or the summary, and I instead I got myself a digital version and began reading.

Boy was I wrong.

In fact, the Foxhole Court is one of those books that I simply have no idea why I kept reading or why it had me so enthralled and glued to it page after page, but the matter of fact is it did. Being honest, it might’ve had something to do with the fact that when I was halfway through the introductions, I realized two things: 1) This book was going to be about a sport 2) All of the main characters were men. Which may or may have not lead me to the conclusion this was going to be gay, and that pleased me very much (Again, I was wrong, though the book does include LGBT+ characters AND I keep my hopes up for the next two books). But the truth is, the book did keep me reading, and the book did keep me hooked from beginning to end. So let’s get to it now, shall we?

The Foxhole Court is the story of 18 year old Neil Josten who for years has now lived as a runaway. Changing his appearance, name, aliases, cities, schools, there is nothing left from the person Neil was before he began a life on the run from the criminal mastermind known as “The Butcher” that his father is. Nothing left but one thing, his passion for the fictional sport known as Exy. An Exy star in the rise as a child, Neil left behind an friend old friend and is haunted when he comes back eight years later, ready to recruit him into Palmetto State Universtiy’s Exy foxes. Despite having no idea who he is, Kevin insists Neil come play with them and for the first time in his life takes a decision for him and decided he won’t leave him behind a second time.

The entire situation is bad, the team is high profile and the sports broadcasts are slamming his face all over the news as a new rising star in the world of Exy. Things are turning bad for him in every angle… But Neil isn’t the only fox with secrets. The magic of the Foxhole Court is in its members, a team filled with misfits, broken people who come from pasts or homes equally as broken as them who are given a second, third, fourth or even fifth opportunity through the sport. A place right where Neil belongs… If only his past and Kevin’s wasn’t beginning to come running after them.

The Foxhole Court to some extent is an easy read, in the sense that it is only 260 pages long and reads like fanfiction. And no, it doesn’t mean the main character is a self insert, a Gary Stu or loved by everyone (in fact, almost all the opposite), fought for or wanted by all men/women all around the glove. I haven’t done too much research as to confirm, but the writting certainly felt amateurish. Most of the book reads like this:

  He said. He asked. She said. She asked. Without much character interaction or emotion portrayed in the dialogue, for example. It isn’t exactly something terrible, but my point is there isn’t anything creative about the writing, or anything innovative and lyrical. However, Sakavic perfectly manages to write fully immersive characters and a great story that trails right behind them. If anything, the book only receives such a low rating from my part because of its quality as a book. It’s a great story, just not a greatly written one. Not to mention the book included more than a few incongruences that were nowhere near making sense, but that is a spoiler heavy rant I will go in detail below.

So without futher ado, spoilers below and my fanart sweet kids! (Click read more) and see you on the other side 😉

The Foxhole Court rants:

—The Amount of things that are just not doable, possible, or simply lack sense. This probably just adds to my earlier point of this reading like fan fiction. ➜ Bodies can not burn out with gasoline that fast, no matter how much you douse it in gasoline. Funerary homes need very, very powerful ovens to be able to reduce a body to ashes in a matter of hours. ➜ Niel would’ve never been able to burn that car and wait long enough for the body to become bones no less without any sort of authority finding him first. ➜ It’s extremely difficult wearing contacts for bed, or regular aesthetic contacts since they’re heavier and very uncomfortable. ➜ It is most likely impossible to make up a sport and have it played at university level,  professionally and with that much media coverage and rabid fans in simply 30 years. It’s chill that Exy is a big deal but, there’s no way it could be that huge in not even two generations.

➜ Andrew doing drugs and still playing professionally, is barely passable and very much anti regulation, but even if I were to let it slide, there’d be no way drugs could be done so recreationally because of a little something called antidoping. ➜ May be because I’m not a fan of sports, but how Exy worked was very difficult for me to follow. I’m glad they didn’t sit down and gave us an info dumpy explanation on how it worked (since some parts of the book, specifically the beginning was very info dumpy indeed) but that doesn’t mean trying to get it throughout the story made it any easier. I was really thinking hockey the entire time, and even that, it was probably wrong. Sin on me. ➜ Professional players don’t actually train without their trainers but you know, pass because its YA and it isn’t really actually trying to take itself too seriously. But like, there’s no way a coach would allow players to not get sleep to train instead but. Whatever at this point you know. ➜ Strapping knives to yourself in a contact sport…? Why, just why. ➜ Letting your players get on fist fights would get any coach fired. Straight up, even while I very much liked that one paragraph about letting them do it and then punishing them with laps. Loved it in fact, but still gonna point out how unrealistic it is. — All the characters were thrown into my face way too fast in very little time. I’m talking about Andrew’s crew. The characters merged one into the other in the beginning, I had no idea who was who and I was very confused regarding their dynamics and why Neil seemed to know or not know some and I was just very confused throughout Neil’s entire arrival to the state. — The rest of the team was introduced correctly and I had no further problems with them though. — Despite the previous points though, the book rather felt like… A huge build up? To the rest of the series? Instead of like an actual book with a plot that you can say has an introduction, a knot and then a climax before ending. It’s sort of stuck in the entire introduction portion and laying basis. — No, I’m not counting the entire Riko drama or Yakuza fallout the plot of this group as that also simply counts as introduction and establishing pasts and dynamics. It was well done and I enjoyed it a lot, but that still doesn’t count for even little semblance of a formal plot. — The lack of research. Just- The overall, noticeable, and practically tangible lack of research. That’s like author’s homework number one.

Now let it be known, I absolutely love this book. I really do, and I’m certainly extremely excited to read the rest of the series. It doesn’t mean I am not entitled to be critical of it. I like it, a lot, it has flaws, many. It’s that simple. The admirable thing about it is that its mistakes are not making my like it any less and the author deserves kudos on that basis alone. Thank you.

The Foxhole Court PRAISE:

Now onto the less coherent and smart part of this review, I’m just gonna fangirl it out. Excuse me.

— I’m a sucker for psychopaths, abusers, bullies and specially when taken to a super edgy extent. I recognize he was unnecessarily edgy but that made me love him all the better. Andrew is my new book husband holy fuck. I can’t explain just how much I hate him and that makes me love him so much. — This book went from 0 to straight up 100 in no time and holy fuck was that was amazing. Specially considering I didn’t read the back part or any summaries and I had no idea what the book was about in the least. God fucking bless me. — I came in sure this was gonna be gays, give me my gays — I came in for the Kevin x Neil considering the set up, but I’m pretty fucking sure we’re currently leaning towards Neil x Andrew. I will hold this as my ot3 no matter how many people I offend 😎 — Halfway through the book I was mentally whining about how every character felt so faraway from Niel. I’m used to very pure and unbreakable bonds forming between characters, specially male characters, that I enjoy a lot and look forwards too, and it almost made me feel… Jealous. About how most other character received that but not Neil. It was then when I realized that was exactly Niel’s mindset and I just really want to praise the author for conveying his feelings in such a way. I was able to feel all of his pain in practically first person. — Neil’s meticulous point of view felt very real and raw, I found myself rooting for him the entire novel, and I usually have a terrible time doing that for such morally headstrong characters. — Andrew is literally a combination of Ronan Lynch and Joseph Kavinsky. My favorite Raven cycle character and my most hated Raven cycle character respectively. That drew me in like a moth drawn to a flame. Considering how needy I feel of said three book husbands. — What the fuck, Andrew is my new husband.

And last but not least, some fanart of my ot3 because no one will ever be able to convince me otherwise. Foot straight to the crotch for you, Neil. I headcanon the interactions between these three and my heart simply flutters. Don’t judge me, thank u

        [Review] The Foxhole Court + Fanart “Remember this feeling. This is the moment you stop being the rabbit.” A marvelous character exploration on a team composed of broken, angry people.

[bromfieldhall]

What Makes You Beautiful - A Mentalist Fanfiction

TIMELINE: Set some in the future after series four finale. Minor spoilers.

SYNOPSIS: “Yesterday I made a New Year’s resolution. I’m going to give myself one whole year to woo and win the love of California Bureau of Investigation’s Senior Agent Teresa Lisbon.”

PAIRING: Patrick Jane/Teresa Lisbon

Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

CHAPTER 8

"Baby you light up my world like nobody else"

~ What Makes You Beautiful ~ 1D

August 16th – 9.30am

I have the worst hangover ever.

Really.

It feels as though there's an entire crew of workmen using jackhammers in my skull. Chipping away at the bone from the inside out while their tiny little feet are treading all over my brain.

Except for the guy on the right, just above my ear. He must be on a break or something because that's pretty much the only place that I don't feel pain for some inexplicable reason.

I crack open an eye the tiniest slit and am almost blinded by the dazzling light that invades my senses. I shut it again quickly and hear an incessant beeping that makes me wince and those damn workmen seem to double their efforts inside my head.

I try to move but every part of me feels like a ton weight and the slight movement I do manage makes my stomach roll over unpleasantly.

I must have had quite a night.

I just wish I could remember it.

The last I thing I can vaguely recall is being hit on by some guy in a bar. It all gets really a hazy from then on and it hurts my head too much to even try and sort through the images at the moment.

I move my hand slightly and realise suddenly that it's not leather that I feel under my fingers, but cotton. I'm not on my couch. I'm in a…bed?

Oh dear God, no.

I try to force my eyes open again but the light is still too much and I squeeze them tightly shut once more. I don't think I want to know. I mean I'm open to new experiences and all but even I have some lines that I won't cross…I don't think.

At this particular moment in time I'm not sure about anything.

My stomach rolls over again and I fight to keep the nausea at bay. It'd mean I'd have to move and none of my limbs seem to work. I can feel a small bubble of panic beginning to well up inside me or it could be my lunch, I'm not too sure. I just hate feeling as though I have no control…and I really want Lisbon.

I feel someone take hold of my hand and I have to admit I'm a little reluctant to try and return the hold, just in case…

"Hey, you awake?"

Lisbon? Oh, thank God!

Hearing her voice is enough for me to finally find the fortitude to open my eyes and I blink rapidly against the blinding light as I endeavour to focus on her face. The light is making my head hurt even more and I only manage a glimpse of her beautiful countenance before I'm forced to close them again…or vomit profusely.

Not really an option.

And as I feel myself suddenly losing the fight to stay conscious, I am at least comforted that I saw her, even if it was for just a second. I still don't know what's going on but I don't really care because Lisbon is with me and that's all that matters.

The last thing I feel as I drift off is the warmth of her lips pressed upon my forehead. It sparks a memory of…something I'm far too tired to grasp and then I don't remember any more.

I'm awake again.

I immediately recognise that I feel so much better than before. I'm still not completely right but my head doesn't hurt nearly as much, thankfully all those tiny workmen must have gone to lunch, and my stomach doesn't feel as if it's about to lose its contents anymore.

I slowly open my eyes and am relieved when I find that the lights are nowhere near as blinding as they previously had been. Or maybe I'm just not as sensitive this time around. Either way, it takes me a few seconds to focus and when I do I realise that I'm in a hospital room.

I attempt to move my limbs and am pleased to find they are now responding, albeit a little sluggishly. My movement must have alerted Lisbon to my now conscious state and a small hand slips into mine while gentle fingers begin a soothing stroking through my hair as she suddenly comes into view.

"You're awake," she says unnecessarily. "How are you feeling?"

I can see the concern etched on her face and I want to assure her that I'm fine but I'm struck by the way the light shines behind her head giving off a halo effect that is really quite charming.

"Am I dead?" I ask with a smile, my voice sounding horribly croaky. "Because you look like an angel."

I cringe inwardly. That sounded like a bad chat up line and really, did I just say that out loud? What the hell's wrong with me?

She does a good job of holding back a smile but her adorable dimples give her away.

"You're alive," she assures me softly. "Do you remember anything from last night?"

Last night? Just how long have I been out of it?

"Not really, just some bar, it's hazy…" I reply then stop and frown as little as pieces of the lost puzzle start coming back to me, not without a little relief. "Wait a minute…I was there for a case, right?"

I remember now. There have been a series of brutal attacks made on gay men in Sacramento and one of the victims had subsequently died of his injuries, which put it into our jurisdiction. While the men could remember meeting someone they couldn't remember the actual attacks. Our problem was that the men all described someone different so we had to look elsewhere for our suspect. That left us with the staff at the bar. More specifically, the bartender.

That's where I came in.

Our suspect had a preferred 'type' of man and apparently, being blond and blue-eyed, I fit the bill.

Yay for me.

"Yeah. You were the bait," she confirms soberly. "We had to wait until he made his move. You ingested a large dose of the drug but we got him so he won't be hitting on any other unsuspecting guys anytime soon. It was Rohypnol, just as we thought. The effects should wear off in a couple more hours," she tells me with a soft smile that, despite her words, is tinged with worry.

"I'm fine," I say, mustering a smile that makes my lips feel as if they are fairly cracking apart. "But I could really do with a drink of water."

"I'll get you one," she says instantly and turns to go then pauses and looks back at me with a narrow eyed frown as she queries sternly, "You are going to be here when I get back, aren't you?"

"Cross my heart," I reply with a grin, which promptly fades when I try to make the action and find my arm doesn't quite work the way I want it to and I only succeed in slapping myself across the chest.

"Just relax, I'll get the water," she orders wryly as she leaves the room.

I sigh and do as she says for once. I may not be able to remember everything from last night but as we spoke I vividly recalled what led up to it and I think Lisbon is being remarkably restrained with me all things considered.

My mind wanders back over the previous day and I think back to the argument we had over me acting as lure for the assailant. She was so adamant that I shouldn't do it and I was so adamant that I should. I could handle it. They would be there to back me up and I assured her I would easily spot him spiking my drink so there was no way I'd possibly make the mistake of actually having any of it. Why bother getting anyone else in to help when I already fit the bill?

In all honesty, I was just trying to impress her a little. Be a team player and everything.

Hasn't that come back to kick me in the ass?

Really, I blame Lisbon…she's just too damn distracting.

Once I saw the bartender drug my drink, I gave the appropriate signal and CBI swooped down to get their man. It was like clockwork. I watched Cho and Rigsby make the arrest and then made the fatal mistake of looking at Lisbon. The smile she gave me was as proud as it was seductive and the heady combination literally made my mouth go dry. Hence the need for a drink and since I already had one in my hand…

I hadn't even realised I'd drunk it until I started feeling the effects and by then it was too late.

What a lovesick idiot.

Needless to say, I don't think I'll be volunteering for another case anytime soon.

She returns with a very welcome cup of water and slips her arm under my shoulders to help me to sit up so that I may drink. I have to admit to acting a little more lethargic than I really am so that I can lean just that tiniest bit more on her than is strictly necessary. I sip the refreshing liquid and run my tongue over my dry lips to try and regain some much needed moisture.

"Better?" she asks, absently.

I see her looking at my mouth and deliberately run my tongue slowly over my lips again and am rewarded with a light blush. It's good to know I've still got it, even when I'm under the weather.

"Much. Thanks," I reply, staring back at her a little too smugly. That was probably my downfall…literally.

She blinks and looks at my face then scowls and tuts and promptly removes her arm. Unable to quite support myself yet, I flop back against my pillows with a small groan. The woman has all the bedside manner of a sledgehammer at times.

"I told the nurse you were awake, so someone should be in to see you soon," she says as she discards the paper cup and sits down on a nearby chair.

"Aren't you going to hold my hand again?" I whine pathetically, hoping for some sympathy. "Please, Lisbon? I liked it. Made me feel better."

Her arms are folded and by the stubborn set of her chin I know she's really trying not to do as I ask.

"Please," I wheedle again, holding up a limp hand as I give her my best pleading look.

"Oh, alright," she snaps. She gets up and comes over to perch on the side of the bed before grabbing hold of my hand in a really, really firm grasp. She smiles at me overly sweetly. "Feel better now?"

"Of course," I answer casually, taking in her vibrant features. "Being near you always has that effect; but you know that anyway. It's what got me into this mess."

"Hey!" she objects indignantly.

"Oh, hush," I order softly as I reach out and lightly touch her hair. I take hold of a lock between my finger and thumb and tug it gently towards me letting her know what I want. She loosens her grip on me then smiles and leans in to give me a tender kiss. It feels like we haven't done this in years. It's amazing how quickly I've become addicted to her lips now I've all but admitted my feelings. I don't know what I'd do without my daily fix.

"Just what the doctor ordered," I murmur in contentment when she pulls back. She smiles wryly and shakes her head at my comment. I smile back and query blithely, "So tell me, did I do or say anything embarrassing while I was under the influence last night?"

It was meant to be something just to make conversation because, to be honest, I'm more interested in playing with her hair. I love the way the silken strands feel under my touch. I can't help but notice the way she tenses slightly though and that, coupled with a pause, before she answers has my still somewhat fuzzy brain going on high…well medium alert.

"You always do or say something embarrassing," she finally replies dryly, looking away.

Very true.

"OK, anything more embarrassing than usual then?" I probe lightly.

She gives me a considering look then a flash of disappointment followed rapidly by relief crosses her face before she schools her features once more.

I can tell she's keeping something from me but I'm not sure I'm in the best condition to try and dig it out of her successfully at the moment. It's frustrating but I think I'll have to wait.

"Well, you did give Cho a really long bear hug," she says with a sudden grin, her eyes dancing with delight as she obviously relished revealing that little titbit of information. "It was the most awkward few minutes I've ever been a witness to; I think you may have traumatised him."

"Meh, deep down he probably enjoyed it," I dismiss unconcernedly. "That tough exterior is all show; inside he's just a little boy wanting some affection."

"Well he certainly got that last night," she comments sardonically, making me smile.

"Did I do anything else?" I ask, trying to get a read on her reaction.

She shakes her head but looks away again and I can't get rid of the feeling that I'm missing something. I try and do my best to remember what happened but my memories after taking the drug are sketchy at best.

Before I can delve any further, the doctor suddenly arrives and pronounces that I'm awake. I'm not as generous in my thoughts towards him as I was Lisbon when she said the same thing but I endure the next half an hour or so of questions and checks just so that I might get out of this white walled prison quicker than I'd anticipated.

I convince him that I am indeed my normal self now and ignore Lisbon's look of frustrated annoyance at my subterfuge. The truth is I do feel better by the minute but probably not enough to be discharged just yet. Still, it's not my fault the doctor doesn't know I'm not being nearly as much of an aggravating ass as I can be. I want to get out of here and I am. I can recuperate just as well on my couch as I can in this sterile cube.

The doctor leaves to sign my forms and Lisbon hands me my clothes with an unhappy frown.

"I'll wait outside," she says curtly.

"Maybe if you stay and watch me dress, it'll cheer you up," I suggest with a wink.

"It's not funny, Jane. I was there last night, remember? I saw what happened to you, how badly you were effected. It scared the hell out of me. And now you play up the doctor to get what you want and you're making jokes? Well, I'm not laughing," she exclaims, obviously more upset than I'd realised. "You might not care about yourself but I do."

I don't think she realises it but it's the first time she's ever verbally made that kind of admission and to me it's huge. It's one thing to think you know but to actually hear it is something else. After months of opening myself up to her and all but revealing how I feel, to finally have this one tiny acknowledgement that she does at least care for me…it makes my heart soar. You'd think she'd just professed her undying love or something.

One day.

I ease myself off of the bed then take the few still slightly uncoordinated steps that bring me right up in front of her before I put my arms around her slim form and hug her tight. She's still tense but I feel her body relax when I bring my mouth to her ear and whisper how sorry I am to have frightened her that way. I don't promise that I won't ever do it again because the very nature of our work, and my own personality, means it's one I can't possibly keep…and she knows that.

We eventually part even though I could've stayed like that all day but wearing a hospital gown while hugging her wasn't my wisest decision and she leaves, a little red-faced, so that I may get changed. By the time I'm discharged and we're in her car, I'm almost feeling myself again. I'm also starting to get some of my memories back and I can't help but smile to myself over Cho. It doesn't take long to reach the CBI building and as soon as we exit the elevator for our floor Lisbon orders me to go and lie down.

"But I want a cup of tea first," I say as I head towards the break room. Lisbon grabs my arm and steers me towards the bullpen.

"I'll get it. Go. Rest."

I do as she asks and head for my couch. Perhaps if I talk to the rest of the team they'll tell me what else I did and maybe that will clue me in on what had Lisbon acting so cagey earlier. I'm determined to get to the bottom of it.

I enter the bullpen and note that Van Pelt is not at her desk. I'm disappointed because out of all of them I was sure I'd get a proper answer from her and quickly too. The guys are a different matter altogether. No doubt I will be subject to some kind of ribbing…they couldn't let last night go without comment. I certainly wouldn't if it were one of them.

Rigsby is seated at his desk while Cho enters from the other end just as I start walking up.

Perfect.

"Cho," I greet cheerfully with a smile. I open my arms wide as I draw near to him and he looks back at me grimly.

"Don't touch me," he warns sternly, folding his arms.

"And here I thought we made a connection last night," I say glibly.

"Think again," he retorts as he sits down at his desk.

"I'm glad to see you back, man, but I have to say I'm surprised you remember anything," Rigsby says with a shake of his head. "You were pretty out of it for a while. The boss was really worried."

"Yeah, well, I don't remember everything but it's slowly coming back to me," I reply with a nonchalant shrug.

"You don't remember everything?" Cho asks with a sudden interest that unnerves me a little.

"Not everything, no," I confirm guardedly.

"Huh," he replies with a slight smirk that only serves to fuel my uneasiness.

Before I can say anything else, Lisbon returns with my tea.

"I thought I told you to rest," she says in a tone that makes me feel like a naughty child. "Couch. Now."

I roll my eyes in a pathetic attempt at defiance then go and sit down on my battered beauty anyway. She hands me my drink and with a look that tells me I'd better not move anytime soon, she walks off back to her office.

"You are so whipped," Rigsby comments with a snort of laughter.

"Says the man who spent nine hours trying to fix a vase he broke just because it was Grace's favourite," I counter wryly.

"Hey, she loves that thing and it wasn't nine hours," he refutes tetchily before adding in a petulant tone, "More like six."

"But you still could've just bought a new one from the store," I point out reasonably.

He gives me a sour look then mutters something rude under his breath and turns back to his work.

I smile to myself and look over at Cho who stares back at me impassively. I know he's waiting for me to ask about last night so I decide to put us both out of our misery.

"OK, Cho, I know you want to tell me…what did I do?" I ask in a long-suffering tone as though it doesn't really matter to me.

I swear he waits for me to a take a mouthful of tea before he answers shortly, "You told Lisbon you love her. Loudly. Right in front of everyone."

I choke on my drink which is what he was hoping for I'm sure and place my cup back on its saucer with a clatter.

"I didn't," I croak out in automatic denial as I blink rapidly to clear my watering eyes.

Oh, but I have an awful sinking feeling that I did. The two men stare back at me both looking far too smugly satisfied by my reaction for it to be a mere fabrication. Oh, God.

I look at her office and now understand her hesitation from earlier. No wonder she was relieved I didn't remember. Still, now it's out there, I feel I should at least address it…even if I attempt to deny it meant anything.

I put my tea down then stand up and walk over to her door, conscious of Rigsby and Cho's amused gazes following my every move. I pause momentarily to watch her signing some forms then step inside.

"Lisbon…" I begin, only for her to cut me off.

"They told you what you said, didn't they?" she says glancing up at me with a wry smile. I guess she can see by the look on my face that they have and she lets out a chuckle and shakes her head. "I didn't think it'd take long."

I'm a little nonplussed by her reaction. I thought she'd be at the very least embarrassed but this amusement is quite baffling.

"So you're…"

"Did they also tell you that you told everyone else within earshot that you loved them too?" she interjects with an even bigger grin. "Even Cho and Rigsby?"

Why those conniving sons of…

I find myself grinning back at her, relieved that I hadn't ruined my first declaration. I want it to be a bit more special than the ramblings of a drugged up idiot. However true they may be.

"So, we're good?" I say, just checking.

"We're good," she replies with a nod. "But now I have to carry on catching up with my work, so go and get some rest. You look like crap."

I leave her office and enter the bullpen to the sound of laughter. I acknowledge their play with a nod and a grin then settle down onto my couch for a much-needed nap. I'll think about getting my own back later.

I'm not sure how long I sleep but when I awake suddenly to the feel of lips against my forehead it's dark in the office. I see Lisbon pulling back to stare down at me with a smile.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. It's late and I was just leaving so I thought I'd come and say goodnight," she explains quietly.

I'm about to say something back but whatever it is dies on my lips as a memory from the previous evening suddenly pops into my head. I was looking at her just as I am now but we're in the ambulance on the way to hospital. She'd sat at my side, holding my hand and stared at me with such warmth and concern that I'd had a compulsive urge to comfort her some way.

"Don't worry, Teresa," I slurred out, sounding like a drunk trying to share some vital information. "I'm fine. And take no notice of what I told the others…you know I love you, best of all."

She'd smiled indulgently at me then leaned down to place a kiss on my forehead and as she pulled back I'd distinctly heard her whisper, "I love you, too."

My heart almost shudders to a halt and I sit up suddenly on my couch, startling her.

"Are you OK?" she asks in concern.

"Yes," I reply and can't hold back my smile as I gaze joyfully at her. "Yes, Teresa, I'm perfectly fine. Back to normal in fact. Fancy something to eat? I'm starving."

She eyes me curiously, obviously not quite sure what's bought on my good humour but she nods slowly and I stand up ready to leave.

Lisbon loves me. Oh, I know she didn't mean for me to hear it. Probably thought I wouldn't remember it. But I do and I'll treasure that precious moment until the time she finally tells me to my face, in person.

And she will.

One day.

Right now I'm just happy to know that, secretly, she loves me back.

END CHAPTER 8

[justasmallbloginabigklainefandom]

Rec This Thing: Interlude Press books part 2

A post including all my Interlude Press books’ reviews. All copied from my goodreads account.

My story: Again, I’ve been following IP since the very beginning.

See my posts for the Star Host, Something Like A Lovesong, the Bones of You and the Luckiest here. Part one of these recs here (I am still working on combining the Summer Love stories in one post). All books I’ve read have been reviewed, except for Lodestones. I feel like I should reread that one before I can give it the review it deserves.

Oh by the way, I now have an IP shelf on goodreads.

Books in no particular order. Spoilers for almost every rec.

Black Dust by Lynn Charles

My story: Found the announcement on the IP site.

Story: Tobias moved on from the accident that killed his friend and injured his former boyfriend Emmett. Living in New York, he’s succesful Broadway musician. But then after 15 years of silence, Emmett calls.

Rating (1 to 5): 4

Why?: This book was a nice read. I love the Reunion trope, so this is no exception. Toby and Emmett have been through a lot. An accident has changed both of them, but whereas Emmett has learned to live with it, Toby can't seem to move past it. Why? He ignores it. That is why Toby has left to live in New York, where he is quite successful. Of course, his life gets turned upside down when Emmett marches back in. After 15 years, a lot has changed. Their relationship was well written, even though I am not a fan of what their relation shifted to at one point. Toby realises his life has been dull since the accident, and Emmett brings back the colour. Despite the accident, what permanently injured Emmett, Emmett is so full of life! It might all sound a bit vague, but I try to keep spoilers out of here. Just read it!

Recommend?: Yes.

Not Your Sidekick by C.B. Lee

My Story: Found the announcement on the IP site.

Story: Jess Tran is the daughter of two superheroes, and her older sister is slowly developing her powers too. There’s only one problem: Jess doesn’t seem to have any powers at all. Defeated, she decided to apply to an internship. Little does she know that it’s the company of the Mischiefs, her parents’ enemies.

Rating (1 to 5): 5

Why?: Hohoho merry Christmas to me. I had been waiting so long to read this book and it did not disappoint. Not Your Sidekick follows Jessica Tran, a daughter of Chinese-Vietnamese immigrants, living in a slight dystopian future version of the world. In 2138, the United States no longer exist. After World War III, it merged together with Canada and Mexico into the Collective. Also in the future, people with superpowers exist. Jess's parents are Smasher and Shockwave, the resident C-class superheroes. Her sister Claudia is already becoming a superhero and her brother Brendan is a genius. Jess herself is nothing compared to her, so she starts applying for an internship at Monroe Industries, a prestige tech company. Unbeknowst to her, it is also home to the Mischiefs, her parents' enemies. She has to work with the mysterious M. Luckily for her, the girl she's been crushing on, Abby Jones, works there too. And oh boy, this book was a delight. Here are some things I loved the most: a) QUEER ASIAN SUPERHEROES OH GOD. CB Lee's other book, Seven Tears at High Tide, also features an Asian main character. Both books also delve into Asian culture etc, and Not Your Sidekick doesn't disappoint. I don't speak Vietnamese, but I loved the use of random Vietnamese phrases. b) Shipping! A part of me was rooting for Jess/M and a part of me was rooting for Jess/Abby. Oh well, then they turned out to be the same person. c) Emma and Bells. Everyone needs a group of friends to rely on. And wow, Bells is trans. That was something I didn't see coming, because in this book, it isn't supposed to be a huge thing. d) Just like Jess's bisexuality. It's just a fact, it's part of her identity, but it's normal. There is no huge coming-out story, or a huge extra biphobic plot to add drama. This isn't new, though, but that is why I love Interlude Press books: you read Advanced Gay books, as I call them. Gone are the overly painful and angsty "every day I wake up in a world I don't know because I am gay/bi/trans/ace/poly/whatever minor identity, and I hate it and this is my huge story" books. Straight people in novels don't have that either. e) The way superpowers are handled in this book. There are different classes of power, and different kind of powers. It isn't all power and strenght and speed, but it is direction and changing appearances. And those powers are used for small things: Abby fixing household tech, Jess looking for oranges, Bells changing his body to fit his identity. f) This world is so mind-blowing. And also the way 'Old America' and its tech is seen by these newer generations. It is a scary thought that the war happened in 2028, because that is so close by. All the books set in a dystopian future are always set a couple of hunderd years in the future, but uhm, my OCs graduate in 2028. But what if they won't? Because the world is fucked? g) Speaking of this world being fucked, the plot is so great. Maybe a little predictable sometimes, but I enjoyed it anyway. Oh God, I could go on. Maybe the only thing I didn't really like was the open ending. Not because it was a bad ending, but because I didn't see it coming. This is the fourth IP book (I think) where this has happened. I guess I accidentally started four new series this year. Hang on. The Star Host, In the Present Tense, Céilí, and The Better to Kiss You With. Ah well, I am looking forward to all the sequels. Anyway, the next book wil be from Bell's POV. I will miss Jess dearly, but I am ready for it.

Recommend?: FUCK YEH

Hold by Rachel Davidson Leigh

My Story: Found the announcement on the IP site.

Story: When Luke finds out he has the power to stop time, his friends want him to become a superhero. Luke has other plans, since he’s too busy rehearsing with the new boy Eddie.

Rating (1 to 5): 5

Why?: I love Duet Books, and this one sure as hell did not disappoint. Luke is an interesting character, who realises he can stop time. He's still grieving his sister's death. He knew it was coming, but that doesn't make it any less awful. One thing that I also love is that he is adopted into a white family like me! And one day, Luke meets Eddie, and everything changes. The book is about misunderstanding and not knowing enough. Luke sees and hears things and turns it all in a story he sees as reality. It starts with Eddie's gun. As a reader, you know you don't get all the information, but you start creating your own stories in your head too about everyone except for Luke. Your views on Wes and Eddie (especially him) are not, uhm, final. You don't know the full stories, you cannot explain their behaviour. This book shows you what can go wrong if you don't know the full story. Not only Luke acts out of ignorance, but also Dee, and because of those actions this book took a turn I did not expect at all. Hands up, don't shoot. I read this book in one go around midnight, and even though it was too late for this shit, I completely lost it at that part. Oh, I do not recommend reading books around midnight. I also don't recommend reading books that are very Star Wars heavy the day after Carrie Fisher died (*sigh*). Aside from the amazing stories, all the characters were great. As a theater fan, I loved how involved they all are in theater. Luke is a bit naïve, but the moment he realises things aren't always as they seem, he vows to protect his friends. Eddie is sweet and characters like him is something we need more in YA lit. I also love how Leigh doesn't ignore the racial identities of both boys. Dee might be my favourite, but that's because I live for (bisexual) strong female characters, who aren't afraid to speak their minds, but who are also flawed and who acknowledge their flaws and mistakes. AND MARCUS HOLY SHIT THAT WAS NOT WHAT I EXPECTED- WHAT A PLOT TWIST. Marcus and Luke actually talked about Marcus being ace or are. When Marcus described what he was feeling, I already thought in the back of my mind: "Yep, aro/ace headcanon." First of all, maybe this doesn't have to be a headcanon. Maybe this will be canon. (He's still figuring it out, so give him time y'all.) (Despite that, should I talk about this in the Ace Book Club?) Second of all, I may have shredded a tear or two (thousand) when they actually named the terms. Honestly, apart from this I don't have much to say. There's only one downside to this book: I want to know more about the Hold. Luke is gifted with this abitily, but it's out of nowhere, and sure he and his friends are curious, but it never gets explained in this book why he can do this and what the Hold actually is, and after a while, no one questions it anymore. I guess I still do, but I'm not part of the story. Luckily, this doesn't stop you from enjoying and loving this book.

Recommend?: Yes

Flying Without A Net by E.M. Ben Shaul

My Story: Found the announcement on the IP site.

Story: Dani and Avi fall in love, simply as that. But whereas Dani is ready to show the world, Avi needs his time to balance faith and sexuality. Luckily, Dani is there for him the entire time.

Rating (1 to 5): 4

Why?: Oh this book. OH THIS BOOK. I think I should clarify real quick that I am an atheist and yes, I read a book about religion. I am actually very pro-religion, which isn't a combination you see often (then again, I am also a pro-sex sex-repulsed asexual, so there you go). Honestly, as long as you don't use (or actually misuse) your religion to oppress others, like the Westboro Baptist Church does, but instead are religious because it's really important to you etc, totally go for it! So why did I read a book that focuses a lot on religion? Well, first of all, you had me at sign language interpreter. Second of all, since I want to be unbiased etc about religion, I want to low-key educate myself on all the different religions out there (LOW-KEY, PLEASE KEEP IN MIND LOW-KEY) by reading books and fanfictions like this and by reading blogposts about the Islam, about Christianity, about Judaism, about Hinduism, about Buddhism and so on. I am ashamed to say I once bashed religion a lot, and I do not want to fall back into that bullshit again. Except for occasionally reading a Jewish tumblr user's blog post, I never really knew anything about this religion, and then this book came along. Since the fanfic Things I Cannot Change taught me so much about Christianity and sexuality, I decided to use my IP giftcards on this book. I can't say it's the best thing ever written, since I still am an atheist who sometimes cannot understand why people are religious, but it sure as hell helped me. Dani and Avi were so great together, and well, despite the fact that they're both Jewish, they're very different. Which is normal. And so are their families. Sure, this book was confusing 80% of the time, but I did enjoy it. I loved how Dani and Avi opened up to each other, but also to themselves. I loved the background characters (DEAF CHARACTER HOLY SH-) and how the relation unfolds. The Yiddish and Hebrew added so much more to the story (like how Spanish adds so much more to In The Heights: the musical), but I must say that I don't recommend buying the eBook if you don't know the terms. There is an Appendix explaining all the Hebrew and Yiddish terms, but if you read the eBook, you cannot easily access those pages. I got to read them after I finished the book and wow, it cleared up a lot. So how do you avoid confusion? BUY THE PHYSICAL COPY! I have one last question: E.M. Ben Shaul's Goodreads account shows another book featuring Dani and Avi? Where can I find that?

Recommend?: Heck yes

Daniel & Erik’s Super Fab Ultimate Wedding Checklist by K.E. Belledone

My Story: Found the announcement on the IP site.

Story: Daniel and Erik are getting married, so Daniel has the best plan ever: install Aurora, a Wedding Planning app. What could go wrong?

Rating (1 to 5): 4

Why?: Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha. This book gave me too many feelings, and I did not expect that to happen at all. It sounds like a fun rom-com, and whereas it definitely is a rom-com, it also hits you like a ton of bricks. Daniel and Erik are getting married, so Daniel installed Aurora, a Wedding Planning app. Aurora is hectic, but she/it really cares. Or so it seems. Daniel becomes the ultimate groomzilla, whereas Erik decides to stay calm. Sometimes I just wanted to bang my head against the table and yell: "JUST ELOPE!", but Daniel wanted things to be perfect. Later on, you realise there's a reason for that, but it still annoys Erik, who just wants to get married to the man of his dreams without all those extra things. And this book took a turn I did not expect at all. And I applaud K.E. Belledonne for doing that instead of sticking to the usual plot these books can follow. I didn't think it was as hilarious and I thought it would be, but Aurora is still hilarious. The Featured Articles were the things I looked the most forward to. Aside from humour, this book also deals with things I did not expect: art, the complexity of family, slight homophobia, and don't even get me started on that glass. That was beautiful. This book is beautiful! Oh, and this is my more book-geek side: I always read acknowledgments at the end of the book. First of all, thank you Lex. Second of all, I always love to read how all these authors support each other. It makes reading these books so much better.

Recommend?: Yup

Small Wonders by Courtney Lux

My Story: Found the announcement on the IP site.

Story: Trip Morgan is a pickpocket, but not in a way you’d expect. He’s not out for money, but he’s out for people’s small wonders. When one day, he meets Nake Mackey, he thinks he’s found the boy from his favourite wonder and he wants to get to know him better.

Rating (1 to 5): 4

Why?: This was one hell of a read. Trip Morgan is a runaway. He has left his old town, since he was unwanted, and now shares a place with a couple of other outcasts of society. Trip makes his living with singing on the streets, and picking other people's pockets. He's very good at it, but he always returns the stuff he stole, unless it's interesting. And Nate has some interesting stuff. Nate Mackey is the opposite of Trip. He's more businesslike, more stiff, more /boring/. And Trip makes it his mission to make Nate's days better and more fun. I must admit that it took me a long time to get into this book. I liked Trip, but I thought the others were kind of irritating. Luckily, I continued reading and I warmed up to all of them. The story was sweet in its own way (this is Trip after all), and the struggles of all the characters, even the background characters, are well done. And while helping Nate warm up, Trip himself has his own epiphany: life has been shitty, really shitty, but that doesn't mean that it won't get better. And that's what this book is about.

Recommend?: Yeh