#if anyone finds anymore please let me know!
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Rafe Cameron - Late.
Lana Del Rey - Pretty When You Cry
The weekend was awful and you wanted to talk to someone that saturday night. Not just someone, but him. Yet you know the rules that both of you have set: no texting, no calling, no meetings. No need to repeat the past mistakes, but you just know you can't keep yourself off him. Today you need him, to feel yourself falling into his strong arms and feel as if nothing else exists in the world. No wondering how you didn't crash to some random car on the road since your head was full of other matters. Your mind drove you to his new little place, the apartment he got on the Silence Road. The phone showed the time 01:13, a bit too late for the friendly visit, and yet again, you are nowhere to be friends, not anymore. You got out of the car, the nights were getting cold and you stood there thinkin it over and over again, "Am I ready to lose him one more time?". And then you made one step closer to the entrance door, one more and few more. Two knocks at the door and no reply, you knocked again. "Yeah, it was fucking stupid I should just leave before anyone notices" and you start to stride back to the car breathless.
-No way. - He showed at the door in shorts only, topless and barefoot. His buzzcut was getting a little long, the goosebumps from the cold showed on the muscles all over the body and you noticed a little tattoo of a boat on the rib.
-I am sorry, I should have not come here. - Your tears started to show. - And you were asleep and it's late and we agreed not to ever.. do this.. again.. I'm… - You were lost of breath, the panic was getting you, it felt as if the ground beneath your feet was dissapearing and you were ready to fall.
-Hey, princess, I'm here, hey.. - He stepped closer to you.
-You can't go out like this, you'll catch a cold, it's very…
-Hey, it's ok, don't worry about me catching a cold, hey… - He was so close, he got your face into his hands trying to find the reason for this sudden appearance.
-Rafe, I'm sorry. - You couldn't look into his eyes. - I'm so sorry for being here, I know that we… - Tears were streaming down the face.
-It's ok, hey, look at me. Please, baby, look at me, I need to know what happened, you are safe with me, ok? It's ok, c'mhere. - He held you in his arms as close as it was humanly possible. He placed your head onto his chest, his arms were cuddled to you. For the first time this day you felt safe, it was such a liberating feeling. You stood there with your eyes closed knowing you can finally relax in his arms.
-Nothing's gonna hurt you, baby, ok? You are safe here, you know that. It's ok. I do wish you told me the reason of the tears tho. - He got your face into his hands once again, you always loved when he did that.
-I feel so helpless, I know I can't bother you with my things.
-Hey, your things are my things, I got you. - He put your strands of hair behind your ears, his fingers brushed through you hair as you tilted you head to his hand. You looked straight into his eyes, the striking blueness of them always swept you away. The colour of the sea, the colour of the sky, the colour of everything that gave you hope and comfort. Now they shined brighter in the night. You wanted the moment to last forever, but you knew you only had this night. You got out of his arms, took the breath of fresh air. He noticed you getting away and looked so worried.
-Hey, why don't you come inside and tell me everyhing, huh? - You felt as if he didn't want you to go away.
-Rafe, do you think it's a good idea?
-Sure. - He tried to seem unbothered, putting his hands into the pockets of the shorts. - Why not, and it is really chilly outside. - He shugged the shoulders. You noticed the freckes on them, oh God how much you loved these freckles.
-Why not, I can't let you get cold because of me, right? He started walking to the door checking if you were following. All you knew is how much you wanted this night to last forever, how much you wanted to feel him close to you, to look into his eyes, to have his hands holding you. You might not have another day with him, but at least you have tonight, right?
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hi! could you please write jason the toymaker, laughing jack, and candypop for the yandere prompt?:3
YANDERE HEADCANONS WITH THE CARVINAL TRIO
Ft: My vers of Jason the Toymaker, Laughing Jack and Candy Pop(credits for the images to the OPs on Pinterest)
Jason the Toymaker
Yandere level/intensity: 8/10
Love language: Giving gifts, physical touch, words of affirmation(receiving)
• Once this man lays his eyes on you it's over, they're never leaving you again
• He will disregard his job for you, has gotten in trouble with his fellow crps for this
• Once he has you he is never letting you leave, will whine if you have to go shopping and finds a reason to hate every last one of your friends
• If Slender was to find out about you and order your death his genuine response would be "Pardon me Slenderman sir..but I'd like to see you try."
• Started making you your favorite kind of toy(doll or stuffie) immediately after seeing you, would send them to you in a cliche "secret admirer" way, calls those toys in particular your children
• He would bring you around certain crps but would not bring you to live in the mansion, you would live in his workshop with him and his toys
• He would not trust you around the other two in the carnival trio, especially Jack, if you're ever around while they also are you are ALWAYS holding his hand, he trusts Candy around you if anything but Jack is a 100% no like..he'll never leave you alone with Candy, or anyone really, but he will not even allow you in the same building as Jack
• This man is possibly worse than Tobias when it comes to his self esteem and needs a constant stream of verbal and physical love to not loose his fucking mind due to his own thoughts
• His favorite time? Cuddle time of course! This man LOVES his physical attention, he's very anti touch with every person around him except for you so be prepared to have absolutely no personal space anymore, the bathroom will become your sanctuary-
• If you ever tried to leave him he would not be the type to kill you, not his precious, never his precious, he WOULD break your legs The Promised Neverland style tho and drag you home, best case scenario you learn to not run again, you heal and live happily ever after(kinda), worst case scenario though...he paralyzes you and takes you to Puppeteer for help turning you into a living doll, his now favorite doll.
Laughing Jack
Yandere level/intensity: 10/10
Love language: Violence, Physical touch, Giving/Receiving gifts, Nicknames
• You were his victim, of course, Jack ain't one of the crps like Jason or a proxy who could've met you on casual terms y'know-
• If you were unphased by the deaths of your friends then that probably would've made him intruiged with you, if you were hiding your fear though...that would've made him even more intruiged
• I do hope you are not an empath because this man LOVES to see you cry, one way or another, finds your angry tears the most beautiful though
• Can be very rough with his physical attention, I'm not sure if you cried if that would make the situation better or worse for yourself
• As much as he loves seeing you cry if it's not caused by him WHOOO BOY whoever caused it better start saying their prayers
• If Slender found out about you and ordered your death, again, I see this man CACKLING HYSTERICALLY at Slender and anyone else around, like they actually have a fucking chance-
• Likes bringing you around the other crps because he knows none of them are dumb enough(except Jeff or BEN) to touch HIS human, will definitely keep you at the mansion because I don't see him liking the victims at his carnival seeing his posessionhis weakness
• Loves bringing you around Jason and Candy just to flaunt you like a prized dog he also loves having someone around while he calls the two colorful men all sorts of snide gay comments
• His idea of gifts are either candy, toys or human/animal body parts so..it's like a game of russian roulette every time he gives you a "gift", he is also the type that if he doesn't like your gift he will tell you to your face but secretly keep it forever
• Probably has a nickname for you like "flea" or "maggot" that he'll call you when around people but he definitely loves calling you "sweetheart"
• Now if you tried to leave then all bets are off. Of course, all humans are the same after all! He would immediately kill you, he spared you when he should've killed you alongside your friends and still you do this to him!? He would never speak of you again and his hatred for humans might be even worse this time
Candy Pop
Yandere level/intensity 7/10
Love language: Quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation(giving), nicknames
• When he first saw you...nobody else did after that day- Absolutely is the impulsive Yandere who takes you immediately
• Absolutely a lovebomber but doesn't do it out of malice, honestly I don't think he knew he was yandere until you explained to him what that even was-
• A constant flow of emotional and physical attention attention from him, if you came from a very emotionally connected family then you immediately feel at home but if you had a more distant family who wasn't very loving then I wouldn't be surprised if early on you broke down in tears
• Probably the most loving yandere out of the three of them, will most probably accidentally give you stockholm and have you convinced it's a healthy relationship until you see Jeffrey walking by and get a MASSIVE reality check
• If Slender finds out about you and orders your death this man can and will drop every form of a life he has built with the crps and go off the grid with you, he is NOT taking any chances with your mortal life
• Will most definitely keep you in his dream dimension most of the time, if you want to go back to the human world he'll see if one of the boss's cabins are available
• He only brings you around Jason and Jack because he considers them his best "friends", if you felt uncomfortable around any one of themJack he would stop bringing you around them but if you took to one of them he would bring that one to you to hang out, so bring them to his dream dimension more
• Most favorite nicknames would probably be "sugar", "gumdrop", "honey bun" and "my love"
• This man does not trust ANYONE around you, somehow has more trust issues then Jason, though he'll allow people you trust around you
• Definitely the "pleaser" type of yandere, is never happy unless you are happy and will do anything to make you that way, even if it means making himself uncomfortable, anything for you
• Definitely has taken a kid or two as his newest "present" for you, will reluctantly return them if you ask him to, what can I say he loves playing house with you, gives him the closest feeling to what he thinks might be humanity
• This man has nightmares about loosing you and his dreams aren't much better as they're always filled with "What if's" about your relationship if he was human like you or you a monster like him
• If you tried to leave this could go one of two ways, he could finally snap and drag you back into his dream dimension, never letting you see the human world again and never letting you out of his sight, you don't have the right to do that anymore after breaking his trust, or he could let you go but believe me that till the day you die you'll never truly be alone again, he'll always be watching his love.
AHHH I LOVED THIS REQUEST! This was SO FUN to write and I hope y'all enjoy(and I hope this was sufficient enough to your request anon)! Sorry if any one of them is a little shorter than the others, I just wrote as much I could think of so I hope it's enough. Let me know if you want any more(or full fics, or a poly version of these headcanons) and remember requests are open just read the somewhat rules/introduction pinned on my page and maybe go read my list of characters and prompts if you don't have a very custom request. Tata for now my lovely little gremlins! -Creepz
#creepypasta#creepypasta au#don't like don't interact#don't like don't read#fanfic#my version#headcanon#yandere#headcanons#hcs#jason the toymaker#laughing jack#candy pop#yandere x reader#rqs open#accepting requests#read with caution#creepypasta jason the toymaker#creepypasta laughing jack#creepypasta candy pop#creepypasta x reader
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VAGGIE AND VELVETTE HELLHOUNDS HOLY SHIT
#if anyone finds anymore please let me know!#i’d love to see them#helluva boss#helluva boss spoilers#helluva boss season one#helluva boss queen bee#helluva boss episode eight#helluva boss loona#loona#hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel vaggie#hazbin hotel velvette#vaggie#velvette
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i hate that the sims has stupid limited time in game events with exclusive reward items whyyyy cant i just play when i want. why cant you just release the items for free without having to meet certain requirements in the game!! or even as a pack to buy honestly!!! but this limited time shit fucking sucks!!!!!
#does anyone know if theres somewhere to download it or some other way to get it idk. im fucking tired#like is someone reuploading this shit somewhere. please say yes#remember when you bought a game and it had everything in it .#& like ik the sims has always had expansion packs. & honestly i dont even mind it that much but the fact that theyre now doing this shit#ON TOP OF THE PACKS. i hate it so much#also just the fact that like. why do i need their stupid fucking ea games program to play the game.#the only thing i should need to play the game is the fucking game .#do u know how pissed i was to get the PHYSICAL COPY of ts4 only to find out i STILL HAD TO DOWNLOAD ORIGIN TO ACTUALLY INSTALL & PLAY IT#so like oh ok if that ever goes down what i just lose the whole fucking game?? even though i HAVE THE CD?????#WHICH IT SHOULD BE PLAYABLE FROM. IF I HAVE THAT THATS ALL I SHOULD FUCKING NEED#i hate this shit i hate it so fucking much why is this NORMAL NOW#if anyone knows if there is ANY way to break this fucking game so i dont have to use the fucking ea games shit PLEASE let me know i dont#even care anymore i just want to OWN THE GAME THAT I FUCKING BOUGHT
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i haven’t done any of the work yet either, lmao idk how i’m gonna get through this
#literally last week i had to worry about an english project#the stress for it was insane like i’m tired man i don’t wanna do this anymore#i joke to my friends about killing myself but ts looking real nice rn i can’t do it bro#i feel like a failure#vent post#rant#i find myself thinking of my future too. idk what i’m gonna do and i can’t even imagine myself having one#i don’t know how to explain it but every time i imagine myself in the future#it’s me as someone else. like i want to be anyone but me. you know? i can’t imagine myself. it’s always someone else’s characteristics.#i think that’s why i wanted to shift so bad. to be someone that just isn’t me. idk how to explain it or how to even get through this but im#tired man i’ve been hating a lot of things about me. i hate my chin i hate my body i hate my arms i hate my acne i hate being in my skin#i can’t even take a nap because i have to atleast work on this presentation soon and maybe some of my study guide for my test tomorrow#i have the class first hour too#like i can’t win man. whoever’s out there in the universe let me be happy with myself just once please
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kind of annoys me sometimes how I can happily listen to my roommate explain the entire plot of whatever she's currently into but when it comes to my interests she can only listen for a few mins before wordlessly walking out of the room
#ive only slept 4 hours and its a sunday so im probably just cranky and getting irrationally annoyed idk.#but i wanted to talk abt revenant gun bc im enjoying it and havent gotten to discuss it w anyone :-(#i dont wanna post on here bc i dont wanna see spoilers and i dont have anything to say that other fans would find particularly interesting#ik half the arcs of the veilguard characters despite the fact ill never play it bc i like listening to her + hearing her opinions#but damn i guess she doesnt gaf shes got better things to do. im not being fair i get we jusr socialise differently n thats fine.#and ik its not true but sometimes i feel like she doesnt like being around me very much bc shes always halfway out the door#and she doesnt suggest we watch shit together anymore n has turned me down the last few times ive suggested it#but ik shes doing shit w other ppl shes always calling n playing games n stuff w other friends so well maybe its a little true#and she acts so strange around me sometimes like she'll move to the other side of the room if i go open the fridge or whatever#like damn girl im not gonna fucking bite u. whats up with the constant 5ft distance. bc u dont ever do that with other friends just me.#and then it pisses me off when it sort of comes up as a side thing to smth else bc it ONLY ever comes up around other ppl she'll never#bring it up directly with me and she'll blame it on me as if we havent had this conversation multiple times where ive explained exactly#why im weird abt shit sometimes and where my boundaries are and what i would like and then nothing at all changes#like last time she brought it up around another friend she was like oh well we can hug more if u want like no we fucking cant bc u act#like we're magnetically repulsed u hate me being in ur space and only tolerate it when we're around other ppl which is why it makes ME#uncomfortable when she does try to be physically affectionate or whatever bc she 100% exclusively does it in front of others#like man u dont have to put on a fucking performance??? or even worse do it just bc u feel guilty abt leaving me out i hate being pitied#even if ik i very obviously do get hurt at being left out. but thats my problem man i would never fuck w someone elses boundaries#i hate hate hate when ppl have inconsistent conditional boundaries and never communicate what the fucking conditions are so theyre#constantly moving the benchposts around and acting unpredictably like how am i supposed to know where they are!!!!!! please#snd then so embarrassing to pointedly say its bc of MY behaviour in front of someone else like oh ok. u couldnt have told me this before.#in private so we could actually communicatr. sorry this has gotten so off track im feeling so gross this morning and everything is#frustrating me im so tired i feel nauseous ughhhh#okay well anyway. got my list of tasks lets just focus on this shit instead before i spend yet another sunday miserably ruminating#.vent#im not actually mad at her or anything like i said we just socialise differently we have different incompatible flavours of autism#and thats not her fault but its just so frustrating that we cant seem to communicate very well. i think im allowed to be frustrated#anyway yeah sorry im leaving it im leaving it. i should go polish my boots before i shower
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hey how do you forgive yourself for doing something something you feel is irrevocably embarrassing even though you know you can do anything you want forever
like how do you unlearn that shame
#jesus christ#i did something last night and i'm having the most horrifying sense of “post-nut clarity” that i have in a WHILE#and i didn't even get to nut like#rragahRAGSJKDLF i've been pacing around my kitchen trying to find the strength to make breakfast and finding none cause i'm so tired and#like. anxious over this harmless thing that i went out and did and i know its harmless and i know its private to me and no one else's#business and there are other people out there that also do this thing and it's not harming anyone so i should be fine#but like?????? trauma fuckin sucks man i hate this shit#i can wholeheartedly let adults do what they want forever as long as its not harmful cause it's their choice to do that#but the second that adult becomes me i can't?? my brain won't fucking let me#i'm gonna make myself a coffee and take a nap i can't do this shit anymore#maybe watch some youtube to drown it out#maybe animate. i mean i'm in the right headspace for a little vent animation that's for fucking sure#idfk#rant#rant in tags#i'm like genuinely asking for advice on how to help with this but also if you can't say anything helpful leave me tf alone please#i wanna disappear for a day or two#or forever idk
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there is nothing i enjoy more than listening to creatives i admire talk about their influences, especially the very silly/old/niche ones
#oh look a personal post#i'm so SAD i lost the medium essay about developing taste... i think about it SO often#if anyone knows what essay i'm thinking of please let me know#it was by a video game writer/dev and i believe it was about how there's no such thing as 'trash' taste. just no taste.#or something along those lines#edit: oh god i'm just now realizing it might have been someone's substack#i'm never going to find it if that's the case#edit2: i found a screenshot from the essay and i fear it's just not online anymore bc i'm not finding anything that matches...
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I've been thinking a lot about my plushie collection and rn I'm just soo overwhelmed by it. Because there's so many of them, and most of them I unfortunately have no attachment to. A majority of the collection was bought on impulse (mostly from goodwill and other second hand shops, where plush are sold very cheaply so its easy to purchase more at one time). I want to sort thru them and get rid of the mass majority that I no longer want, to make room for ones I actually care about, but it feels like such a hassle.
My datemate keeps trying to convince me to wait until we move to do anything. But then I'll have my first collection combined with the one at my current residence and it'll be even more overwhelming. And then there's the thought of where I'm even going to send all these plush. I live in a apartment with cats, and although most of the plush are in boxes, it might still make it hard to sell them because of that. And I live with smokers with no respect, who like to open my bedroom door and let all their nasty smells and nicotine get into my shit, so that's going to make selling even harder.
I could just (re)donate my plush, but then I'll be basically throwing money away, and the same thing would be true if I literally threw them out. Maybe I'll try to sell the ones ik haven't been contaminated by anything because of being boxed up, and the rest I'll just donate. I could see if there's any children's or women's shelters I could send some to. I want to drop a few off for toys for tots as well, mainly the squishmallows because they still have tags and ik they'll be well loved
#ik I've talked about this before#but I truly mean it this time that Im overwhelmed#I have no room for new plushies#even the blue BAB frog I just bought. I haven't the faintest idea where it's gonna go#I'll obviously find room but still#and it makes me sad to have all these plushies here that I just. do not like#its mostly squishmallows that Im detesting atm#Im so over then#but they're my main displayed plushies and I don't want them anymore#I will keep a small handful. but the rest need to go bye bye. because they take up soooo much room#and are just. everywhere.#and there's a bunch of plush I don't even remember buying that are in the boxes that I definitely want gone#before I'd said sorting thru them all was hard. now I don't think it will be#maybe its just because Im nit hyperfixating on plushies rn that Im able to think more clearly about it#but yeah its time to purge my collection#Im even gonna get rid of some webkinz because a bunch of them were bought impulsively#luckily they were sorted right to the bottom of the boxes for their protection so I think I'll be able to sell them easily#anyways thanks for reading my rant guys#and if anyone has any advice on what I should do please let me know#viti shoosh
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Anyone wanna fall in mutual love?
#rant#djdjjd i kid i kid#but also: if u have love please tell me ur wisdom of experience#i havent had a crush in years. and ive done a ton of therapy work#and at this point i think im. kinda just stuck in a loop of: if i did like someone id probably just convince mtself they should date someone#they theoretically might like better (even tho 1 i dont know them and they could like me if given opportunity and 2 i havent met anyone so#if i was gonna try ignoring my instinct to let crushes go... id need a crush first to even practice talking to them)#anyway in other news. i also wanna do roleplays again because its fun writing but its bsen like a decade#and idk where ppl even find rp groups and stuff anymore
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#if anyone recognizes the picrew I made those with#please let me know#it's terribly cute#but I just don't know/find the link anymore#knight commander salvadore#oc: salvadore#oc: eneas#oc: rowley#picrew
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Now thinking about fanfics that basically don’t exist anymore
Maybe that’s the wrong wording for it but like, stuff that can’t be found on the internet anymore, at least.
Like, I was looking through old Super Sentai fanfics on Fanfiction.Net (FFN) recently and the oldest 3 fics are:
- A Megaranger fic from 2003
- Someone’s OC Sentai team from 2004, it’s 200K+ words long
- An Abaranger fic from 2005
And like, there’s no way those are the only sentai fics from those years. (Actually, there are more from 2005.) You cannot convince me nobody else ever posted a Super Sentai fic on the internet between July 30, 2003 and May 7, 2004.
But as far as I know, the fics posted between those dates are all gone. Because I don’t have Livejournal and even if I did a bunch of those fics and the mailing lists they’re posted in are probably deleted or can’t be found easily and if I tried looking for show-specific or ship-specific fic sites I wouldn’t even know where to start.
I know some people archive their old fics on AO3 (and that’s awesome) but looking at old fics from 20 years ago makes me think like. That Megaranger fic is the oldest Super Sentai fic I can find.
But there must be more out there, right?
#fandom#ramblings#i should be asleep#goodnight#if anyone finds any really old Super Sentai fic please let me know#also going through old forums#sometimes I look through old rangerboard discussions#and they have links to images or videos that don’t load because the site doesn’t exist anymore or the image was deleted or something#and I’m like wow I wish I could see that meme from like 20 years ago#I can see it existed at some point but I can’t see it myself#ok now goodnight for real
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i need the concept of nostalgia to fucking explode Right now
like okay i get it for a lot of people a lot of the time, nostalgia is a nice thing. comforting. whatever but i am so lovingly cursed to have nostalgia occur multiple times, every day, strong enough that it distracts me and i really really need it to stop doing that
nostalgia might not be the ~technically correct~ term for it because a lot of the time it doesnt Feel like. i guess typical nostalgia. but its close enough
i dont like that theres such a high chance of me going about my day and then out of nowhere a smell or the fucking way the light looks or fucking! for no reason!! ill feel fucking. 13 again and want to die. whats UP with that, man, i dont LIKE it and i need it to STOP
#ive lumped it in with the general. dissociation garbage#nothing documenting nostalgia as dissociation that i could find but just. let me have this. please#i need someone to just fucking. put me down like a sick dog#theres nothing else to do anymore i guess#i feel disgusting whenever i try to use clinical terms for myself#what was it. 36.something on the DES#and its not anyones fault but i feel shit about it because “you're not the most fucked up person in the room”#i know its a me problem. everything is a me problem#i am so. so. so. so. so. so sick of this
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dni.
#i don't know how people who do not have siblings live cause#whenever i feel the very intense and real urge to genuinely kms their faces pop up in my head#my sister laughing at my jokes after she had a bad day and saying with tears in her eyes that hey you know what i need you so much please#call me constantly when im abroad i don't know what I'd do without you#and my little brother not trusting my parents advice when he is sick because he thinks they're constantly telling him to do a hundred thing#anyway but listening to me when im giving the exact same advice asking me such innocent questions that seem so obvious#but he doesn't know because of his childlike innocence#like why are we not going to the doctor if i have fever how do our parents know how to cure it and how can i take dolo without a doctors#prescription and me laughing and explaining that it's okay it's normal it's paracetamol you don't have to worry you'll be okay in day or 2#or how he's excitedly telling me that these are the colleges i looked up are they good how do you know if they're good#he needs me so much even tho he'd never say it they've been even worse parents to him than to me he doesn't have anyone else#so then how could i be so selfish and hurt the two people who love and need me the most the two people on whom if i see tears#it feels like a stab directly to the heart?#but i can't help it. can't help fantasizing about dying#maybe myself but even better if by some terminal illness#i keep thinking me lying in a hospital bed and doctors saying there's a complicated procedure and it's very expensive and results aren't#even guaranteed so are you sure want to be treated#and me saying no please let me die my parents would protest at first they would feel it is their duty responsibility to keep me alive#but id say please i don't have anything to live for and i just CAN'T i can't do this i can't live this life it's too difficult im not#capable im already failing please just let me give up and then they'd agree#and then i would tell my father that im sorry i couldn't pay you back for all the money you spent on me my education my living expenses#but atleast now i won't ask for anymore money from you ever you'll probably get some money from the insurance policies#and i would tell my mom that sorry for being such a burden on you all these years but now you can finally be free with the 2 kids you#actually love and you never have to cook for me again or fold my clothes or feel bad that i won't attend your family functions#and i would tell my siblings that i know it's sad but please i know you guys are strong and bright and you're gonna be very happy and#successful and that's enough for me im sorry we couldn't have our dream raksha bandhan away from our parents but you can carry on without#me and ill always love you. and that would be it.#i know it's wrong to fantasize so much about dying and ive read somewhere that they may just seem like thoughts now but if left untreated#one day you're gonna have a bad day and you're gonna find the perfect opportunity and you were so sure you were never going to do it but#then you do. but i don't know how to stop
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#told my roommate ive been depressed this weekend and she kindly offered to watch a movie but i knew shed be too tired and need to cancel#bc of the clocks changing and its ok i know how tired she gets i was the one to suggest it was okay if she cant + it was still a nice idea#but now im alone for the evening again ive been alone all weekend and weekends are the hardest for me and i thought i was feeling a little#better but im not and theres nothing to stop me from harming which is okay i keep it safe and its always a choice i make to do it or not#not anyone elses responsibility but i didnt want.to be alone tonight thats all. and offering something she knows she cant fulfil makes me#feel rejected too and i also wanted to talk abt some of her behaviour that upsets me sometimes but gently bc i dont want it to seem like#im blaming her bc its not her fault im so bad at communicating and neurotic and weird abt shit that doesnt even make sense#but its been bothering me for a really long time and it comes up again every time we meet with other people and i get really upset over it#and im the one that keeps putting off talking about it but its so hard when its been gping on so long and i find it so hard to express#anything and communicate especiallt when its shit like this but im so so so so tired of sitting on it i just want it resolved one way or#another and now i wont see her for a few days bc of this family trip and itll be on my mind the whole time and the thought is making me#feel insane already ive wasted so many hours and hours being upset by her and not being able to talk abt it i need it to stop its not even#that big a deal.it just is to me. and i dont know how to say anythign ever#and she wants to make plans with friends next weekend which feels like hoisting an anvil above my head bc if i dont go i risk having a#rejection sensitive episode bc im vulnerable rn and this is exactly what happened over the summer and it took me months to recover from but#if i do go ill get upset bc ill feel unwanted there and ill be dealing with the same issue that comes up every fucking time and either way#ill end up harming in response to it bc i cant handle how intense my emotions are and i dont have any better outlets right now#for these specific feelings and i dont want to do that i want to be a normal fucking human being who doesnt lock themself in a#stupid fucking iron maiden style repression over completely innocuous shit that no one would even know im reacting this way to#i cant do it i cant do thjs anymore i cant i want it to stop im so tired and it hurts so so much feeling so much like this#they should make a mind for me that is capable of not inflicting distress this intense on itself i need to explode#actually. maybe since i wont see her for a couple days i can write a long discord message about it instead. i know its a shitty way to#deliver information but maybe it would be easier that way rather than trying to summon the courage to say anything in person when im#usually actively upset abt it at the time and my immediate response to getting upset is to shut down and not express which doesnt help#and its so stupid but i need it to not be like this i cant keep living with her and getting so upset so regularly it has to stop now#ill think about itand maybe draft it. and then i can decide. but right now i need to eat. and pack. and then cut sorry. but its ok#ughhhhfdhf. please let this week be better ill try harder ill say something i have to im the one inflicting this on myself by not talking#about it!!!!!!!!! so. man and i think my dinner is cold now too. oh well#.vent#tw self harm
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#i hate having to be the calm one#the bitter and sarcastic and stand of fish#the one who doesn't like hugs or people#but always my skin is cold without touch#my heart is locked down tight and bursting through the seams#i've built up such a perfect statue of myself i don't even know if i can let myself out from inside#what if i wasn't who you thought i was#what if i had changed so completely but couldn't show it to anyone but me#what if i was gentle and kind and romantic but needed to be calm and logical and cool and couldn't be both#what if i broke under the weight of the dried clay i built up around myself to keep me safe#what if i fell apart and no one picked through the pieces to find what was left behind#what if i gave and gave and gave and there's was nothing left of me#what if i gave up everything to everyone i ever met and got nothing back and wasted away#what if i just lost#what if#let me out#please#gods above please let me out#i can't breathe in here#i can't do this anymore
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