#if any of the people who i follow now stop using tumblr for whatever reason

[spaciebabie]

Do you also ever get sad that some of the people you follow haven't updated in a while and like send in a random ask just to make sure they're alive like I think this is called Common courtesy or just something I do but also I'm whining at some people's door like pookie come back :((

all the time brotha.....all the time......

theres people i follow still who havent updated in years and i miss them. one of my oldest mutuals stopped posting many years ago and i just hope they're doing well. i remember u and miss u buddy!!!!

[unforth]

Alright not to like liveblog my breakdown on main but yesterday was a really bad day after a really bad, like, 4 months, and I've hit a bit of a breaking point and one of the only things in my life that can give is running @mdzsartreblogs , @tgcfartreblogs , @svsssartreblogs , @erhaartreblogs , @tykartreblogs , and @cnovelartreblogs , so that is what has to give. It's been a 99-out-of-100 days thankless job. A small number of people do say thank you and yall I appreciate you so much (HUGE shout-out to the artist I met at Flamecon who gifted me a zine when I said I ran these blogs, @bonesblubs you rock) but I have never done an act of fandom labor simultaneously this labor intensive yet this invisible before and, uh. It sucks. I spend an hour or more a day on this every day, if it's under 2k hours since I started the first of these in September 2020 I'd be shocked. And I do it because I love it but doing it means I don't have time or energy to do other things I love. And I really don't want to just quit, but I can't keep this up.

In a last-ditch effort to try not to just give up, I'm making the following changes:

1. Only watching one tag per fandom for the MXTX fandoms. I am going to check *only* #tgcf, #svsss, and #mdzs. Artwork posted to any other tag, I will not see unless a mutual reblogs it.

2. Reduced tagging (even more). I'm only going to tag characters and maybe overarching au type (eg, "modern au," "fantasy au"). I'll no longer tag creatures. I will continue to tag the same common trigger warnings I already tag.

3. If a work's appearance doesn't make it obvious what it is AND the tags aren't clear, I'm not going to reblog. I can't keep spending 5 minutes or more trying to figure out what I'm even looking at, scared that if I guess wrong the artist will get mad at me for mistagging their work. If I do reblog, I'll tag only the artist name and/or whatever else I can identify for sure.

4. I am no longer going to follow #link click. The fandom is just too big. I've started dreading checking it. If I was more into it and less busy I would make another spin off just for it but neither of those is true. (The art is so good, I hate to do this, but. If you love link click, highly recommend the main tag, lots of great stuff there.)

5. I will no longer tag any non-cnovel content in the art/post. Like, if someone draws, idek, Xie Lian and Marinette from Ladybug, I'm not gonna put any tags for Marinette, just for Xie Lian.

6. Basically if I run into something hard to tag or confusing or unclear, my new policy is I'm not gonna fricken bother.

I think those are everything but idefk, I cried for 3 hours last night and got 4 hours of sleep so I'm mostly fueled by exhaustion and desperation right now and my memory is even more fried than usual.

How artists can help. This is obviously all optional. You do you. But since some people might want to know what would make my life easier, I'm sharing. I'm not claiming I feel entitled to dictate how people fandom or anything like that.

1. Put the tags for the character(s) and ship(s) early in the tag list.

2. If you make art for a fandom that isn't one of the big ones (right now the only big danmei fandoms on tumblr as far as I can tell are the MXTX fandoms and maybe 2ha) I am begging you to use my tracked tag #cnovelartreblogs

3. Do mdzs art? Tag #mdzs. Do tgcf art? Tag #tgcf. Do svsss art? Tag #svsss.

4. Not only artists, but everyone, *please* stop tagging fandoms not discussed and/or depicted in your post. It's gotten to be stupid common for people to blanket the danmei fandom tags with posts only about one fandon (like, svsss-only works also being tagged mdzs and tgcf and 2ha for some damn reason). This isn't about just my sideblogs tbh this is just fandom etiquette that seems to have been forgotten or never learned by many. Tagging unrelated fandoms isn't "reach," it's annoying. People go into the #mdzs tag to see mdzs, not whatever not-mdzs stuff people have decided to tag for ~reach~, and seeing the same post in 8 tags, none of which it's related to, is so damn irritating, and makes scrolling the tags looking for content that IS relevant take that much longer. Knock it off.

Okay. I think that's as much as I'm prepared to meltdown where everyone can see. Thanks in advance everyone for your understanding, and apologies to everyone about to see this 8 times as I reblog it to each sideblog.

At least I'm not tagging it to everywhere. 🤣🤣🤣

[catboytenya]

as promised, here's a shit ton of screenshots. like i said before, my ex, @/sentiearksys/@/taysudon was incredibly abusive to me and is trying to rewrite the narrative that i was the abusive one, and quite frankly, i'm not gonna let him push me around any longer, so, here's my final post on the topic.

don't go harassing him, but i encourage blocking.

i had been hoping he would stop posting lies about me when i posted actual proof, which i actually have, unlike him, but i don't think he ever will. so, like i said, this is my final post on this topic.

some of these i feel shy sharing because i don't like how vulnerable i am in them, but i feel a bit helpless that he's going around telling people i was the abusive one meanwhile..... i've put up with this cruel treatment for years. and i have the proof of his treatment, and all he can do is talk shit and lie about me without any evidence.

if he wanted me to stop posting evidence, he should have stopped posting lies about me. after we broke up i was completely fine with never bringing him up again until he decided to start lying about me. like i said before, ultimately, this is about defending myself and clearing my name, as well as warning others about how he really is behind closed doors.

today, i had the luck of talking to some of the people he lied about to me and forced me to block, and i got to finally hear their sides of the story. all these people that he told me were terrible and awful and cruel are the sweetest people i've ever spoken to who did not deserve the terrible things he was saying about them. if i DO make another post, it'll be entirely to defend them and include screenshots of the awful things he said about them. for now, i'll be leaving them out of it. i just wanted to include this paragraph to thank them for taking the time to reply and to talk to me, and honestly, to show my appreciation for them as my new friends.

i'm not only including any screenshots from previous posts, i'm also including new ones, so everything is on one post. thank you for listening.

as i mentioned before on older posts, we're both systems, and use pluralkit to talk. i get that because of this it might be a bit confusing, so i'll spare you the trouble: cloudy creatures, katsuki/kacchan, and shouto are me, the rest is my ex. i explained in past posts that some of these screenshots are old, and that's why some of the timestamps say "today"

this was originally one long screenshot but tumblr destroys the quality, so, here it is in parts:

he voted for trump btw. if his parents made him do it why is he defending his decision so hard over a tumblr post?:

Here's my admitting that he was the reason I didn't kill myself while I was feeling suicidal, followed by (a few of) the times he held it above my head:

there's also.... whatever this incident is. passive aggressive, guilt tripping, ect. typical playing with my emotions while i'm trying to have a serious conversation:

he would also pretend that his headmate(s) were dying or grievously injured to punish me. basically a "your partner is DYING because of YOU" kinda thing:

these are from a previous post but here he is making my cat dying about him and also about choosing either him or my best friend faith:

and here he is barely even giving me a second to grieve my other cat dying VERY suddenly before he starts talking about the mini art fight me and my friends have going year-round. also who says "haha!" to someone who's cat just died?:

the next few screenshots are gonna be censored since they're from a previous post before i decided to stop censoring them, red is my ex, blue is me. anyway he would start talking in morse code during serious conversations to make me have to stop what i was doing to open a translator:

here he is doing his typical "i don't like when you talk about faith" thing:

here he is being upset about my animals as well as being jealous over my theoretical bunny i've been wanting to adopt:

here he is upset about me leaving to go play mario kart with my sibling??:

here he is demeaning my ability to communicate + also just?? telling me that i need to relearn basic english???:

here he is claiming that i didn't give him any recognition in a really demeaning way even though like. idk how else to explain it but we were so head over heels that we excused 99% of his behavior.:

here he is making me feel really shitty about how many songs i put in my character playlists, this eventually culminated in me deleting all of the playlists i had made:

i genuinely have more but i've hit the 30 image limit. thank you for reading, and again, if i make another post, it'll be because i'm doing it for my new friends.

[atticsandwich]

SPOILERS FOR THE NEWER LESSONS IN NIGHTBRINGER - careful fellow followers of this blog <3

i love the current lessons so much actually because there is honestly so much underlying angst / potential for it! i doubt the devs will go that deeply into that direction and i don’t think it would translate well within the game anyway but just imagine mc getting more and more concerned about their own powers that also shape their relationship with everyone else… sure everyone loves mc but dia/barb and solomon have entire realms to protect and therefore wish to have mc on their side if push comes to shove (which has been a recurring topic in nb)… mc getting increasingly insecure / afraid that they’ll be seen as a tool / weapon first instead of a friend… i mean especially after being used as bait??? solomon showing his shady side again??? AAAH!!! THINK OF ALL THE POSSIBILITIES!!!

Yes yes YESSSS

also i love that we're given the option to be mad that the people mc loves are being used as "bait" to draw out their power. obey me has been very passive about how mc responds to situations sometimes that them being mad is a great thing!!

re: angst, yeah, i get you, they haven't really hit the mark on really leaning into angst yet, and although i doubt they'll hit this one, i still have high hopes about how it's going to conclude or how they'll handle the situation (the fact that they got teleported to babel + michael's texts to simeon makes me think raphael is FINALLY going to burst and let out all the emotions he's been bottling for literal millenia)

SPEAKING OF RAPHAEL. again, i love that tlhe's the side character focus on a season with the underlying fact of simeon's transformation to a demon - his reactions and avoidance of the situation, even though he's already made aware of it by michael, coupled with the fact that he still has hidden guilt over what happened during the celestial war....... MANNNNN IM SOO EXCITED FOR RAPHAEL DEVELOPMENT AND EXPOSITION..... hopefully this means mephisto and thirteen will also have their own time in the spotlight soon regarding glimpses of their backstories and developing realtionship with the cast (and mc in particular)

ON A SIDE NOTE. anyone else catch how barb reacts after solomon and mc chooses to keep the reason for mc's growing power a secret??? yeahhhhh he defo knows. dude raised solomon and is the demon of time, of course he'd know. knowing him, he probably just wants to see how it plays out, considering he's powerful enough to mitigate any real catastrophe from actually happening (hellooo he was literally contingency plan number 1 from the sf final) love the thought of him just going. heh. this'll be fun to watch :>

ANYWAYSSSSSS im gonna stop yapping now thank u for asking anon and for anyone reading my thoughts. granted i know a lot of these are very tip of the iceberg but i would rather not do a full dissertation on tumblr. knock knock tumblr staff can u add voice notes. no relation to me wanting to yap whatsoever................) (<- says the guy who made and posted an essay about celestial realm parallels to irl catholicism and power structure. WHATEVER!!!!!)

[sephirthoughts]

so we need to talk about this...thing

not caelus, i mean this…whatever this thing is.

apparently it's associated with the trailblazer's new ability. whatever it is, it's godawful, and i am very unhappy to see it in star rail. it looks like it was made by an AI specifically to be the most lazy, cloying, repulsive, corpo-cutesy object in existence. it's assembly line design trash and worse, it seems to be the irrelevance bell tolling for star rail. it happened a lot faster than it did for genshin, too.

this sucks especially bad considering all the really GOOD character designs and interesting story stuff and environments we've seen that will be coming with the amphoreus update. but it looks like if we want to enjoy any of that, we're going to be stuck with this obnoxious sentient carbuncle stuck to us.

i was SO RELIEVED to be rid of paimon and this is how you do me hoyoverse? also who is the target audience here? do you seriously think all your players are six-year-old girls?

what it looks like to me is the first warning signs that star rail is following genshin down the garbage chute into incomprehensible design trash. don't believe me? this is the kind of garbage genshin has been subjecting players to for the past 18 months.

most people are probably not bothered by this stuff and will just tolerate or ignore it, which is fine. i am simply venting some frustration i have and have heard often from other players. if you actually like this kind of rancid aesthetic, there is no help for you, comrade, and i am not talking to you in this post (also what are you doing on tumblr you have to be at least 13 to have an account).

but for myself and most other players i know, the downhill slide into this cloying, overwrought, over-designed garbage is literally the reason most of us stopped playing genshin and moved to star rail. that and a lot of fontaine was intensely boring, and natlan is a complete top-to-bottom shitpile.

this is coming from a place of caring deeply for genshin and being burned pretty badly, and starting to see the same thing happen to star rail. it's just...extremely disappointing. especially when there was SO MUCH i loved about both games, and SO MUCH that was good and truly fun and wonderful to experience.

i know it's too late to turn the design ship back since this is the way it's headed now, and no amount of bitching by the players who care will help, so i'll just say i will always appreciate and miss the sense of wonder and joy these games brought me, for the time that they did.

also seriously screw you hoyoverse THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS

[stormblessed95]

Hi Storm,

You were the first account I followed here and I’ve been through almost every post relating to member dynamics on your masterlist.

I’m finding this very hard to articulate but you’ve always said if you receive asks that are respectful you will indulge. I am making a lot of effort in trying to phrase my sentences in such a way that they do not offend and would like to apologise in advance if they do. It is not my intention.

Some time ago, there was discourse on your page where you said jikookers have bullied you and did not support you when you were being bullied. I am not sure when that was. I’m sorry you went through that. You put in a lot of effort to write the member dynamics posts and it’s quite shocking that people don’t respect it, value your effort and then bully you.

During that discussion you said something along the lines of jikookers becoming like taekookers as they allow the abuse of Taehyung. You said the fandom back in the day allowed Taekookers to fester because they didn’t take a harsher stand against what they were doing. I am paraphrasing or maybe I didn’t get the gist of it.

I don’t think jikookers or any other sub set of this fandom is anywhere near Taekookers. The reason is that most ot7 are Taekookers. When the fandom allowed hate against jimin, it gave rise to the most vile fandom and it is the largest part of army’s even today Jimin and his family get bullied and called all names and it’s is allowed because no one can shoot 90% of the fandom down and all those who allowed it are responsible for that shit show.

So then why are people and yes, most are Jikook stans, why are they called out if they so much as criticise Taehyung for some of the things he does? Did he have to join a Jikook show? No, did he have to post those pictures during muse? No. Did he have to name call Jungkook every single live? No. Does he visit fandom spaces? Yes. He sees the shit that goes on in there. Yes. He has sued people because he supposedly wants to stand for those who cannot stand for themselves but is ok when his fans call his fellow member a slut? Can you all not be objective enough to criticise him for this behaviour? Not everyone will like everyone you like, but you are an ot7 army so you should be objective enough to accept criticism too. But instead you shut everyone down? That’s a bit harsh don’t you think?

I say all of the following with respect, I promise. My intention is not for this to read as harsh or rude in any capacity. I'm making this disclaimer now because I know sometimes, it's hard to get tone in text. I'm being straightforward and serious with you. And my tone is meant to be one of kindness, softness and respect while being serious and rather blunt about it.

Anyone who tells me that they didn't see the hate campaign that reigned against me last year is either lying, or brand new to Jikook Tumblr. Or you took a 2 month long break and only came back after I was on hiatus, which then, if you checked my account at all, you still would've seen it. I guess the last option was that you just never checked my page until I came back. I'd much rather if anyone would bring it up, just be honest. Yeah, I saw that, I was silent, my bad, it was a mistake. Or it wasn't a mistake, I agreed with your haters and I'm still just here because I want your content. Whatever it is, I would much rather the honesty. Idk which of these categories you fall into, if any, but why bring it up just to try and discredit my feelings about jikookers and toxic behaviors being allowed to fester? I stand by what I said. You don't have to agree with me. That's your prerogative. I have never tried to tell people how to feel, I've only ever said that I will curate my space and use my block button freely to stop from seeing opinions I have no desire to see.

True OT7s are not taekookers, follow better people. Idk what else to tell y'all about that. When I say toxic behaviors being allowed to fester, I mean that taekookers way back when weren't nearly so bad as they are now. It used to be the same petty bullshit that so many shippers are now pulling. Except it never got checked, so it grew and festered and boiled until it's now as bad as it is with taekookers. If you don't stop the same petty revenge toxicity in Jikookers now, the same thing will end up occuring. And I don't want to see anyone complain to me in a few years about it, because all I'll be able to say is I told you so.

The last part of your message dear, just reads as essentially asking permission to be hateful towards Tae. Idk if that was your intention, but it's how it comes across to me at least. It's not criticism. There is stuff we can be critical about towards our idols, BTS included. Nothing you listed is worth criticism and is just things his antis use to bring hate against him. It's the same thing that tkkrs do. Nitpick stupid stuff to give themselves a reason to hate on Jimin. It's not worth it. And you will be a happier person in long run if you stop trying to hate Tae and just hate the antis that are the ones responsible for their own behaviors.

I'm not shutting anyone down (this is also the phrase that makes me question if you truly "don't know anything about me being bullied") I am saying I won't tolerate any kind of hate speech on MY blog about any of the 7 members. (even if you don't think it's hateful, on my blog, I have the right to decide what is and isn't discussed. Other blogs will draw different lines in the sand, and you can find GCs, or Start your own blog where you can say whatever you want. That's the beauty of the Internet.) You can do whatever you want in your own spaces. I personally, want nothing to do with it. I have bigger fish to worry about it. I'm here for BTS, all 7 of them. And I'm more concerned about k-media and the harassment our boys suffer from them and antis of all kind. Way more than I could ever pretend to be concerned about Tae talking about one of his best friends.

And again, I sign off with this whole thing respectfully, and with the hope that you also, take no offense to the way I phrased anything. Even if you disagree.

~ Storm 💜

[olderthannetfic]

I'm a known writer for my fandom. It's a very small fandom, so it doesn't really mean anything, but I got there early and built a nice little following.

I don't know what happened in the past few weeks, but I suddenly started getting a bunch of anon asks in my inbox demanding I express myself on the "issue" that is the current Palestinian situation. I've been ignoring them, blocking the anons, but they just kept fucking coming.

Under my last fic, I got a couple of guest comments accusing me of being antisemitic and a couple of guest comments accusing me of being an islamophobic colonizer. Under the same story!! How???

I had to disallow guest comments and anons, so now I keep receiving insults and demands that I express my opinion through sock puppet accounts. I don't know how many fucking times I've been so far labelled as a Zionist and an antisemite, and the last asks I've received got really over the top and violent, claiming that I'm the reason why Palestinian children are dying and I'm a privileged white woman (I'm not white and emigrated from a third world country, but ok) and I'm contributing to genocide.

And I'm so fucking tired of this internet activism! So, so fucking tired!

Because the reason why I engage with fandom is to take a step away from reality. I watch the fucking news, I spend my due time informing myself about global issues on the internet, I do discuss this shit with my IRL friends and colleagues and family members, I go to protests, and during the BLM protests I was out there helping with water and first aid.

But fandom is fucking me time. It's the time of my day when I unplug my brain and write whatever the fuck I want, reblog gif sets on Tumblr, and watch thirst traps on TikTok. I don't log into Tumblr, the site that cunts use to spread misinformation and fake Go Fund Me's and people who pretend to have written My Immortal to promote their shitty memoir, to receive or do any kind of information.

Stop looking for influencers and random people on the internet to explain to you global issues! Why the fuck are you people so into your own asses that you can't fucking understand the reason why some kid who got famous for dancing while wearing cat ears doesn't want to talk about their opinion about far more serious matters?

Everything has a place and a time, and some people realize that their audience goes to them to detach from reality, rather than being reminded of it.

"Oh, but if you don't talk about it, it means you're supporting the bad guys!" Sure! Because the fucking apartheid is build specifically on me not wanting to use my fandom blog to post pictures of dead children and raped women! Too bad that Nelson Mandela became an activist before the internet, uh? He could've solved a bunch of issues by posting a couple of Insta stories!

"Oh, you don't realize how privileged you are to be able to ignore the issue!" I'm not fucking ignoring it, I'm ignoring it in places where my opinion matters less than zero! And yes, I'm fully aware that I'm privileged to be able to ignore it, but you're disgusting because you're using it as a way to build a following on a blogging platform. Hope that posting pictures of slaughtered human bodies was really worth the 50 followers it got you, Allison!

I don't know if this makes sense. Whatever. I'm fucking pissed.

--

Sounds like a bunch of clowns in a discord somewhere decided to target you or something.

[pink-pumpkin-princess-bitch]

DNI lists are stupid and dangerous

Ok now I have your attention and your pitchforks pointed at me, let's clear the following:

I'm not an expert in internet history or internet theory, although I do have an extended diploma in Creative Media, which lends itself to audience theory and thus fandom theory, which helps base some of my thoughts here.

I have no issues with people who use DNI lists for whatever reasons they have. My issue is more with the culture surounding it and the reasons these practices exist.

This is a rambling vent on my general complex feelings regarding the topic. This is (at least currently) unresearched.

So, why do I think they're stupid and dangerous?

Well, I'm not quite old enough to remember this, but there was a time when if you where on the internet, you hid your information. You guarded it. Because the internet was dangerous. People online are, for the most part, strangers. People used to, and still do, keep their information close to their chest.

So my main concern is, of course, that safty that many people have tossed to the wind. DNIs don't inherently force people to give out this information, but it does create a culture and expectation to give out this information or be pushed away by the people requesting this information.

Age might be the most obvious piece of information to come to mind, and it is the most common. "Minors DNI" is everywhere on +18 blogs. And that's absolutly fine at first glance. Someone showing mature content may not want kids around their content. But this is the internet, and this is where I think it's stupid as well as dangerous.

Kids lie. Lots of people lie, not just kids. And there's only 2 routes to go regarding this. Either you trust everyone is the age they say they are, effectively invalidating the point of the DNI in the first place, or you confirm it somehow. Well, every way they could confirm it is, from what I'm aware, legally dubious at best and legally illegal at worst. I might be wrong here tho. I'm not in law. But even if it's not illegal, requesting proof of age is extremely bad for multiple reason I think are pretty obvious.

But more and more, kids aren't lying. Instead they're out here putting down how young they are and blowing the whistle for any predator to come walking in and give them reasons to have DNI lists. And that's the exact opposite of what DNI lists seem to want to achive.

Specifically with "Minors DNI", it also perpetuates this culture of having to curate our own audience, be aware ourselves of who is interacting with us, and make sure the children don't hear things they shouldn't. To be blunt, I hate this. I hate this in the same way I hate Unalive and PDF file and Seggs. I'm not on Tiktok. I'm not on Kidsbop. I'm not advertiser friendly. Remember how they added strict laws on how kids are to be advertised to? Yeah me neither.

Expanding now to all DNI lists, and various other limits and boundaries, when did Tumblr stop being the place you Curated your own experience? Yes, I fully understand tag blocking works very little at times and is a chore if it's a genuine major trigger for you. But I'd argue it's even less effective to hold a big sign saying exactly what you don't want to see and crossing your fingers people will be nice enough to read it and listen.

Overall they're simply ineffective and encorage the sharing of details many other people may not want to share. We're all strangers on the internet. We don't need to know eachother's takes on x y or z. If it becomes relevant it will, and if not, who are we to demand that of eachother.

This is why I say I have no issue with people who use them. It's when my place in those boxes then falls into scrutiny just for passing by your blog does it becomes an issue. If I see your DNI, and I still interact with you, it's safe to assume I do not fall into that DNI. If you are still paranoid about this, you genuinely may need help working through whatever may be going on in your life to make the place someone falls into that box for you so important. This is not to say it isn't important, but it is to say paranoia is not the default you should act on. If it's truly that important and you must act on it, block the person rather than interogate them.

Now, as a closing word, I do have to mention I am in a position of privlage from my own standpoints on this. I was, to an extreme fault, very open about myself online growing up. Not only that, but with my father (may he choke on his spit) made me a Facebook account at around 12. So, for the past decade, possibly even longer, all the information someone could want about me has been out on the internet. This lead to obvious things. I've been groomed. I've been in some truly horrible circles. And I've had a very odd perspective on things growing up. For me, this information cannot be put back. Pandora's box has already been opened for me. So regrettably, I'm still fairly open about myself. Not nearly as much as I used to be, but it means I personally don't have issues providing the information requested of DNIs.

The only reason I haven't provided my age on this blog until now has been because I don't want to give the wrong impression. I don't want to encorage people the same way I feel DNI lists do to share information. At the bottom of it all, I don't want people to grow up without the safty and security of private information like I did.

For now, that's most of my thoughts. If you want to senselessly argue about the right to DNI lists existing, please don't bother. I don't care. I'm already fine with that and it just tells me you didn't read this. If you wanna correct me on certain bits, I'd love to know, long as you have some sources or something to help. As I said, this is currently unresearched. I'm sure there's some older internet historians and anthropologists out there who know far more than me. For now, that's it. Thanks for reading this longwinded vent.

[hexesandroses]

I've made the decision to leave tumblr and fanfic writing behind for an indefinite amount of time.

Explanation below cut:

This place has turned into something that I can no longer enjoy. The Dottore community - the reason why I joined tumblr to begin with - is non-existent (which is understandable given that we haven't had any Dottore content since 2022). Without it I feel like there's simply no place for me here and I don't intend to sit around with the shadow of something that I used to adore.

Since last August, I've started to see things for what they really are and that has led my desire to stay on tumblr to dwindle at an agonizingly slow pace. Work, university, my declining mental health at the time forced me to stay off the site for a while and during that time I stopped to matter because I had nothing to offer anymore. You can try to pretend that this isn't true but we all know that you have to be continuously active in order to get by on tumblr. That's just how it is and I don't want to hear any buts. I took one long break, and lo and behold - my fics started to do worse, people stopped interacting with me as much as they used to. Of course, I have my faults too: I can be avoidant when things get rough, ignore texts, often refuse to put in the work to make myself feel seen. The latter, I'd argue, comes from the fact that I was in fandom when people actually saw beyond each other's fanfics and pfps, but I digress.

The writing community is cliquey. Borderline Mean Girls style. You simply won't do well unless you beg your way into the popular writers' group. You have to perform, you have to show off your friendship at all times because your readers must know that you're close. These people will support each other while ignoring anyone who isn't part of their group and if you, a casual reader, don't understand how that can be bad, then oof. I've nothing to say then.

Fic writers are taken for granted and treated as machines that print out fics 24/7. A reblog and a nice comment is rare to come by and I'm sure there's many reasons for that (some are shy, some are casual readers scrolling through the character x reader hashtag late at night, etc) but it's genuinely very upsetting for the fic writer to deal with all the time. Without support it feels like you're just writing for a black hole that will consume consume and consume until you're sucked dry of your passion. God knows I've agonized over this enough. Writing is so precious to me and I've been through so many different phases of it - wattpad, fanfiction.net, quotev, ficbook, ao3, now tumblr - but never before have I felt so insignificant. If I had realized from the get go how shallow this place is, I probably would have left it all behind sooner.

This isn't all to say that I haven't met good people on here. There are followers who always reblog my posts and seeing them in my notifications makes me smile. There's mutuals I've made whose posts make my day, whom I genuinely care about and have been nothing but sweethearts to me. I've made a few precious friends whom I would die for and can't imagine my life without. When Tumblr was good, it was perfect. I would do this all again a second time and a third and fourth if it meant that I would get to keep my dear friends forever. You know who you are - and I'll tell you directly one more time that I love you and care for you more than I can properly convey.

I find no satisfaction in fandom anymore and feel no passion for genshin, bsd, arcane, whatever else I've shown interest in before. I don't want to continue writing fanfiction that I can't connect with or feel sincerely proud of so why push myself just to appease others? I tried to regain my position in fandom earlier this January and failed miserably because my time had simply run out. Well, fuck it then. I have never been a good actress and I don't intend to become one just for my fanfics to do well on this website.

I'm sure I've burnt a few bridges by writing this post but saying goodbye to something always entails leaving things behind. I thought I would at least get the last word before leaving.

Special shout-out to the rc girlies server on discord, where I met many wonderful friends whom I treasure to this day. My time there was short-lived, extremely drama-filled, but overall fun and lovely. Cami, if you see this, thank you for inviting me to the server. I love you all like Aleksandra loves ignoring Greg and Anna <33

A special shout-out to the containment chamber and Juni specifically. It's no secret that my admiration for you inspired me to become active on tumblr. Getting to know you on a personal level was a joy and being part of the server is such a pleasure. Love you all more than Webttore loves ruin guards. If possible :D

If anyone wants to stay in touch, dm me and I'll give you my discord. It was fun being here, but I'm out ✌️ goodbye everyone. Sorry to whomever I upset with this post ig ✌️

[spaciebabie]

"but spacie, i have no followers why should i reblog things" let me answer this question using myself, a person who has been using tumblr for almost a decade now, as an example. pre 2022 the most followers i ever had was like 125. most of them were dead blogs. killed in the porn ban or just people who had left for whatever reason. out of the people left who were still active, i had like 3 people at the most interact with my blog on a monthly basis. for years b4 this, i had ZERO FOLLOWERS but upon making my blog i saw all the other ppl who had been using this website longer than me talking abt how important it was ta reblog shit, and throughout all these years on tumblr, even when i had no followers i reblogged things. b/c i understood that it was integral ta the way this site functions.

now mind you, just b/c i had no followers didn't mean ppl wouldn't stop by and reblog things from my blog. every couple months id have a new person find me and reblog something. maybe they'd reblog a lot of stuff! the point is that id go months without any interaction at times and i STILL reblogged things because i knew people could find me and see something they liked on here. eventually people who frequently checked my blog ta see what i would reblog followed me!! im sure there’s ppl who dont follow me that ta this day who still reblog the stuff on here!! the point is that it genuinely doesnt matter how many followers you have. sure, it certainly helps, but ppl can still find and interact with the things on your blog without you having thousands or even hundreds of followers. so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE reblog things.

[teecupangel]

I figured now would be the best time to update my pinned post so here we go.

Introduction:

Hi. You can call me teecup or angel. I'm good with any pronoun you want to use on me. This is primarily my AC and writing tumblr blog.

I post my fics in AO3 as teecup_angel.

I also have this tumblr blog that’s mostly me reblogging other stuff and very rarely I post something personal, I guess.

I’m currently writing fics for Assassin’s Creed and my primary focus is Desmond Miles because he deserves better.

Warnings:

I will pair Desmond with anyone (and I mean anyone) and my OTP is AltDes. I also do write gen so if you want to look at my tumblr but you don’t ship Desmond with any of his ancestors, I suggest blocking the following tags (altdes, ezides, condes, haydes, eddes). I also use those tags even when it’s just hinted at just to be safe. I'm only human though so something might slip into the crack. All I can say is proceed with caution.

While I cannot stop any minor from looking at this blog, please note that this may contain nsfw posts and I curse like a repressed catholic who was not allowed to curse when they were young. Also, I use 'dumbass' affectionately.

For Asks and Requests:

My ask box is open for nonnies. I used to answer plot ideas or requests with my rambling and whatever I feel like adding but, due to RL reasons, I no longer have the time for it. You can still ask me things or send me anything but it won't have the same 'length' as before, sorry TTATT

Blanket Permission:

I'm fine with anyone using any of the posts/fic here or in AO3 to write or draw something as long as the post is linked and I'm informed :)

Concerning the tags of this tumblr:

I got lazy later on in tagging posts I reblog (mostly fanworks from other people) but:

Any ask I answer will have the tag: #ask and answer or #submission for long asks.

Any fic idea I write will have the tag: #teecup writes/has a plot or/and #fic idea: assassin's creed (note: this one usually does not get used for any reblogs with additional ideas so I guess check the reblogs and the replies? This also sometimes does not get used if I'm butting in on other people's posts because it kinda feels wrong to add it? I know I should add a different tag for that but we'll see if I do down the line XD)

Headcanons and analysis (they're sometimes the same???) have #teecup analyze more than necessary and/or #headcanon: assassin's creed

Sometimes I make edits with varying success of humor: #teecup edits (sometimes I do screw up use '#teecup edit' instead XD)

I also draw rarely: #teecup draws

AO3 Stuff:

At the moment (and this part will be updated if necessary), the following have a weekly Monday update:

Eagle of Alamut (Desmond gets thrown back to 12th century Jerusalem in his 16-year-old body, endgame: AltDes)

Due to RL reasons, I might be unable to do the usual 'post more fics during an AC character's birth date or death date. We'll see how kind RL will be XD

[dbnightingale24]

Bad Habits

A Thomas Shelby Love Story

~~

Part 1

~~

Alright, before everyone starts yelling at me, I promise that the final part to my Ransom story is almost done. It's slightly longer than this one, and I'm being extremely picky about it cause I wasn't necessarily happy with the last one I posted. That being said, my husband and I binged all six seasons of 'Peaky Blinders' in five days, so now we have this. I'm also posting this one first because I used a different approach on this story and it's giving me extreme anxiety lol. I tried to capture the accents and the essence of the show, so I really hope you all like it! Anyway, here goes! Thank you, as always, to @fuckingbye for the amazing moodboard, I love you and will build a monument to your greatness.

Word Count: 24,549 (to those of you who are new: I'm sorry. To those who aren't: this is me being on my best behavior and you know it.)

Warnings: SMUT (MINORS DNI) , Swearing, Drinking, Drug Use, Depression, Religion, Fluff, Anxiety attacks, Cheating, Abusive Relationship, Angst (c'mon now, it's me), Family Drama, Child Trauma (if you squint)...I think that's it. It dives deeper into a lot of things in part 2.

Song(s) That Inspired This Chapter: I Only Know How To Go Too Far

I do not give consent/permission for my works/stories to be posted elsewhere. I do not condone this type of behavior, this is for entertainment purposes only.

~~

His eyes meet yours from across the room and you know you’re fucked. You should’ve stayed away. Yes, it’s your sister’s engagement party, but you knew he’d be here. The way your family loves the Shelby family...you knew. You knew he’d show up and would be looking for you. Still, you came and you know it’s because you miss him. God, you miss him like crazy.

Thomas fucking Shelby.

“Oi! Come over here, love!” Arthur calls, drunken smile on his face as he makes eye contact with you from across the hall.

“You stay away!” you laugh as he makes his way to you.

“Lets have a dance, eh?” he suggests as he finally reaches you.

“You, Arthur Shelby, shall not lay a finger on me tonight, or any other night,” you smirk, grabbing your glass and taking a swig from it.

“And why is that?”

“Tommy ‘ll kill ya,” you giggle, nodding across the room to where he’s sitting with his wife, Grace. 

“He has no say in it now, does he? He’s married.”

“As if that ever stops the Shelby men,” you tease and he flips you off.

“One dance.”

“Not tonight, Arthur. Besides, a man of your status seen with a woman like me? What will the people think?”

“Who cares? I know how I’ll feel,” he smirks and you burst out laughing.

You really have missed the Shelby men.

“What’s so funny, eh?” Thomas asks, causing you to jump cause you didn’t even notice that he had made his way over.

“Nothin’,” you giggle, feeling the burn of Grace’s glare on you, “what ya doin’ over here without your lady, Thomas?”

“Just wanted to see what ’m missin’ out on.”

“I think I’ve found someone more agreeable to my needs,” Arthur smiles as he makes eyes with a woman across the room, “if you’ll excuse me,” he nods as you start laughing again while he walks off.

“So, you’re fucking Arthur now?”

“Watch it, Thomas,” you warn, cutting your eyes at him before taking another sip of your drink.

“You used to call me Tomcat.”

“What do you want?”

“Come with me.”

“And if I don’t feel like it?”

“Come with me,” he demands in a harsher tone and contradictory smile, before starting to walk out.

You roll your eyes as you grab your glass and bottle before following him out. 

You’ve known for a while that it angers him that you don’t fear him in the slightest. You also know that it irritates him that there’s no reason for you to be scared of him; you two have been through so much and have known each other for so long...

~~

The rest is on AO3. For whatever reason, Tumblr won't let me post the whole thing on here -_-

Here's the link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/49359964

~~

taglist: @emerald-evans, @autumnrose40

[twstedpometea]

Addressing the "No Harassment" rule people are still breaking.

Hello everyone it's been about 5 months since I last posted anything Ugigiugi-related. However, I was recently messaged over something I still have to address because some of yall ain't listening to what many of us have been saying since this Ugigiugi drama began. This will be a long post.

There has always been a rule of "No harassing" people about the Ugigiugi situation.

This rule has always extended to people who do not want to see/hear the drama in the Twst fandom but also to people who used to/currently follow Ugigiugi. Anyone who's followed my blog knows I've already had to talk about harassment/spamming before but it seems no matter what people keep breaking this rule.

I was recently messaged that one (former) follower of Ugigiugi was being harassed. This same person who messaged me is someone who has helped save/sent us some of Ugi's now hidden art and given us some art sources since the drama unfolded. They have already explained to me that they only follow Ugigiugi on DA now for the sake of keeping an eye on her activity and nothing else.

Now I'm aware there are several reasons people still follow Ugigiugi on DA. I know some people follow her by watching her profile. Others use tabs/HTML links to said profile and so on. Whatever reason doesn't matter people follow people for different reasons. That being said once again I am still seeing this type of harassment going on and it needs to be addressed. I was sent these screenshots and have permission to post these by the person being harassed.

So first off. This is STILL harassment. I'll keep saying it till the cows come home. Harassment of any type is against what a lot of us here have been saying to not do. Secondly, Let me correct people here on something. A watch doesn't equal a "boost" or supporting number on a profile. DeviantArt doesn't work the same way Tumblr or Twitter works when it comes to boosting a profile to the "popular" side of a Social media page. Engagement/activity/views on art pieces are what boost the algorithm. (More so you have to be breaking BIG NUMBERS to get your profile on the front page) That being said? Ugigiugi's numbers have dropped since she was exposed. She used to be pretty close to 600 watchers. She's now down to 315. So if anything she's lost half of her numbers, and with her no longer posting on DA she's lost traction as of this time. Thirdly, it's juvenile to be going after Ugigiugi's "watchers". At that point, you're just looking to start a witch hunt for people. Ironically, you're also going after the people who have been helping me and others since the drama unfolded. I need people here to stop going after people like this. You shouldn't be harassing anyone. It doesn't even matter if they're a watcher/or a fan of Ugigiugi or someone who might be helping keep an eye on her. We've stated time and time again, to not be harassing anyone. PERIOD! I'm going to go ahead and say this if anyone is getting harassed about the Ugigiugi stuff please just go ahead and block or report them. I'm getting very tired of having to repeat the rules because people are looking to use their "ugi hate" on someone. As for whoever this Cerulea--blue person? I don't know if they are a user here or if their under a different name on Tumblr but if you see this post? Kindly, stop. If you have so much energy to be doing something then go source Ugigiugi's traced art (there are still plenty of unsourced pieces) or something more productive than harassing people. You are literally not helping no one at all and you are just breaking the rules and boundaries a lot of people have been set about this drama. -TwstedPomeTea

[pardonmydelays]

There hasn't been much news about him [LMM] lately for a while now until this month, so it's understandable to lose interest (I guess is the right term) in him and his projects. Warriors is definitely a huge step back for him! If he really is collaborating with Taylor Swift on this like we all began to speculate in April, then I would have rather it been some extended version of her song from TTPD featuring him. He is extremely capable of writing songs and creating characters for original musicals (even if they are based on a film or novel), and it just disappoints me that he went this route instead of spend his time and energy on a new original musical. Give me a reason to go to New York! I'm still going to to try and go next year anyway because there's a musical I really want to see (and because I am in dire need of going back), but I'm trying to get into musicals more and Lin just kinda ✨ threw away his shot ✨ with this one. As for Disney, yeah, I'm not entirely excited about that too, especially seeing that he probably chose Mufasa: The Lion King over Moana 2. I love "We Know the Way" and "An Innocent Warrior" the most! And "You're Welcome" and "How Far I'll Go". Bro really could've given us more songs like those in Moana 2... I'm sure the music will be good regardless, but it just lowkey sucks that he didn't write any of them.

I hope he has more, EXCITING projects coming up that he's been keeping a secret...

literally all of this - i agree with every single one of your words and i'm glad someone who's also a fan of his work has pretty much the same opinion about all of this (the warriors, collab with taylor, moana 2). there's really nothing more to say about this. we just have to wait and see what happens.

i don't think losing interest would be the right term in my case tho... it's actually more than that and i don't even know if i want to talk about it, but maybe i should. this fandom fucking destroyed my mental health to the point i don't want to be a member of this community anymore. i'm still a fan. i still follow him and i still love his work. i'm trying to keep up with all the updates. i know everyone here probably thinks i just found myself a new obsession and this is the reason i don't talk about lin anymore. trust me, i listened to in the heights the other day and i started sobbing like a goddamn clown. i still love him and i always will. i think it all went down when i created my musical theatre instagram account and started being more active in the fandom... the energy there is slightly different than here. people are actually fighting for his attention. his birthday was like a fucking shit show of who would do more just to be noticed by him. i kinda started feeling like maybe i am worth nothing because i've never met him, never been to new york (simply because i cannot afford it at the moment) or never been noticed, or maybe i haven't been here long enough, well, i also don't have a motherfucking role in this fandom - i'm not a writer, i don't make art, no talents at all, i'm just here to admire and enjoy his work. it all went too far and i was even too fucking tired to keep answering all the asks i was getting about him (and there was a lot of them at some point, probably because i was the most active member of this community on tumblr and someone who was always defending him and people started treating me like a person who knows fucking everything about him and that's just not true). i enjoyed it for a while. then i stopped. who the fuck even am i to be treated like a goddamn leader of the fandom or whatever the case was. i don't know. all i know is that it was just too much. i appreciate the fact that i was getting so many nice messages from all those people but ugh... i was once asked about discord server for his fans and i decided to create one with a huge help of my mutuals. then i fucking left. my own discord server. i don't even think anyone noticed. lmao. nobody actually asked me why, so that's what i assume. i was exhausted and drained. i just think people are taking all of it too seriously??? it was actually my mistake that i ever let myself think i was worth less than others because of all those stupid things. anyway. i don't want any of this. i hope no one in this fandom even remembers me now, maybe except those people i still talk to. the rest is history.

you may think i am making the same mistake now, but no. it's different. i am just here to have a good time, reblog silly pictures with my silly little tags and maybe make some of my mutuals laugh. i also want the new members of the fandom to feel loved and safe and to know that they are all equally important, doesn't matter if they were here years ago or joined last week. it's all just so fucking stupid. i don't have a role and i don't want one. i'm just here to enjoy it, it's way more fun this way - tumblr is actually great for me again.

i have no idea why i decided to use your ask as an opportunity to tell all of this. i don't know. i'm sorry. it just had to be said i fear.

one last thing, if you really want to get into musicals more, i can recommend you some of my favourites. i have a good taste actually!

[myheartisonthetrain]

okay new theme new era.

Mj isn't coming back. i might see her before i leave school but it's unlikely to be for long and there's no use in deluding myself, it's the truth. i don't care about the months i waited for her and thought about her every day, i learnt a lot in that time and i'm becoming like her in little ways which stops me from launching myself off a twelve storey building. great. what's next for noa?

i turn sixteen in less than a month, and that technically means i can do whatever the fuck with adults as long as they're not in a position of authority (ex. teachers, carers.) does that mean i will? probably not. i'm somewhat sex repulsed but also have very sexual thoughts and feelings, which is fairly normal and definitely expected since i have trauma. exams are really soon which you know i love and am totally prepared for (very big lie) so once those are out the way i'm FREE from the shackles of this godforsaken school and i start the next chapter of mi vida! fear not, i will keep this account no matter what unless i end up having a massive reputation to uphold, which is unlikely for a number of reasons. i don't know if i'll stay a tc account, my focus is slowly shifting from teachers to anyone i feel validated by and the people in my posts may be less consistent.

for the past few days i've been mildly obsessing over an online friend i used to have on tumblr who ghosted me in october, i've blocked him on this blog now but he definitely could've come across it and that worries me since he's worked in education before. he's old and he liked my art on main before anyone else followed me :( we talked about philosophy, psychology, art, life, gaming, literally loads of stuff and since i'm regaining my interest in the part of psychology he specialises in, i REALLY miss him. he never ever groomed me or was weird or sexual, but i got so ecstatic when we spoke to each other because he was really intelligent and seemed to genuinely like me and think i was smart and fun to talk to (looking back at our messages, i was so cringe. he probably caught onto how i felt and removed himself for that reason.)

in all these crushes and attachments i've had, they always seem to get worse when they leave. literally all the time.

Mj - got worse when she went on leave

ß - summer holidays in 2023. we don't discuss it.

🐹 - the original™️ attachment/crush, got waaayy worse after we went to different schools

🦊 - only started when she stopped being friends with me and avoided me at all costs

this person - got worse after they ghosted me !! AAAAAuH. i'm gonna call them 👾

so 👾 wants nothing to do with me. i sent a message to him yesterday for the first time since december and he hasn't paid any attention. if i contacted him again it would only be to ask why he stopped talking to me, without any judgement from my side of course. i was thirteen when he first messaged me. maybe he just did the maths and i gave him pocd. or maybe he was a pedo and needed to stop himself but i doubt my cringefail kaomoji messages were at all tempting. noa out 🫡 have a great easter mothrfuckers

[thoughtsoffoxes]

Gender is Confusing

 A few days ago, I checked on my Tumblr which hasn't been active for several years. I didn't scroll through it much, majority of it is reblogs. The header though is something I changed over the years. In its current state, it says 

"Hello! My name is [REDACTED]. Nice to see you have dropped by. This blog is trying to be an Undertale blog/humor blog. I'm sixteen, and ace/aro. Gender is confusing, but please use they/he pronouns please ^~^ Have a great day friends!" 

It's been so long since I looked at it. I get the same feeling as watching my old shitty YouTube videos. Like 'who let this child be on the internet?' Things have certainly changed too. I'm no longer 16, I'm 25 now. I don't identify with asexual or aromantic anymore. I don't use they/he pronouns. My name is not [REDACTED] anymore, and I won't be spilling those beans here. The thing though is that "Gender is confusing" bit. At this point, it's around 2016, and I had seen plenty of explanations on gender identities, sexualities, and discourse. Even within my group of friends we had talked a little bit about gender nonsense, but when came to following through with pronouns or genderqueer identities, nothing. I didn't really talk to my parents about my gender until 2017, and even then I had simplified it to 'I'm a trans man, and I want to go on hormones and get surgery some day.' Because at least the hormones and surgery part were true and I wanted to go by he/him pronouns. But if you've been on Tumblr, viewer, you should know there's tons of different genders and pronouns, but not a lot of people showing off how they expressed it. There were tips on how to pass better, on what sort of hair cuts to get, on what foods to eat, and what workouts to do. There were affirmations. I'm not sure what 'cracked my egg' but I'm sure whatever it was, it was on Tumblr. I know that the conservative transphobes are barking 'Tumblr Trans-ed their gender! Ban Tumblr!' Whatever. But there's more than the 'egg-cracking' and Tumblr to point to. There were signs. There were weird feelings from when I was very young. Tumblr had only given me the language and the space to realize it. 

Let me guide you, viewer, through what led me to identify as a trans guy. One of the biggest signs for me was my 5th grade school photo. Starting the year, I had long hair that went down my back. I had told my mom I wanted to cut my hair short. A side note, I had thought girls couldn't get their hair cut short until they were 18 for some reason. My mom cleared that up for me. She took me to a salon and a very nice hairstylist worked with me to cut my hair short. It wasn't buzzed down or anything, I had hair touching the tops of my ears, but I absolutely loved it. I looked in the mirror and actually felt something. I didn't really know what that feeling was, but I thought it was just confidence. Something I had been lacking. Anyway, school picture day. I wore a white tank top and a knitted jacket, all clothes I had gotten from the girls section somewhere. I didn't try to look any different than myself. Maybe the photographer made me pose differently? Maybe it was all the hair's doing. But once I laid eyes on that picture, I couldn't stop gushing about it. When I came home with it, I told my parents that I looked so grown up. It looked so good! I loved it infinitely more than any of my other school pictures. I remember the look my mom had when I told her how grown up I looked, she grimaced and tried to smile. I think she had said something like "I'm glad you like it." Years later, we were switching the customary 'school picture' frame with the most current picture. At this point, I knew that I didn't identify with being a girl. I wasn't out to my parents or really anyone. I asked to look through the other photos, wanting to see how much I had grown over the years and my dad obliged. We put each picture beside the other chronologically. 3rd grade, 4th grade, and... 5th grade. I felt like the world paused as I saw the picture. I looked like a boy. I couldn't believe my eyes. It was always there and I remembered all the praise and love I had for this picture. I realized it was all because I didn't look like a girl. It's honestly the first photograph of me that I liked. It looked like me. 

Growing up, there was a lot of talk amongst my girl peers about babies. What would you name your babies? How many babies did you want? Did you want twins? Who would you want to have babies with? It seemed like it was natural, girls grow up and have babies. But there was a turning point for me where I was terrified to be a mom. My own mother told me about her labor with my sister and myself, where she had almost died each time. Both of us had to be cut out of her. Not to mention, having to be awake for all of it and strangers looking at my private parts and insides. The terror I felt was immense. Would I suffer through 9 months for a baby? Would I be cut open? Would I shit myself giving birth? Would I be the same afterwards? How many babies would be enough? Throughout a lot of my childhood, I was resigned that after getting an education that I'd have to give birth. It was a milestone that was decades away, but every mention of pregnancy sent my stomach in twists. In the present, I am privileged enough to live in Colorado where if something horrible happened to me, I could get an abortion if needed. To make it clear as well, if I didn't have access to a safe abortion, I would absolutely put myself in danger to abort any pregnancy as soon as possible. Another thing I should make clear, being able to give birth isn't a requirement to be a woman and being a woman isn't a requirement to give birth. To me though, the thought of being pregnant brings the same dysphoria that I had before I got on hormones, before I had top surgery. There's trans men and queer folk who have kids, but I am not one of those people. 

There's a lot of things that girls my age did that I didn't understand or like or felt comfortable with. I didn't like barrettes, or having my hair brushed. The first time I painted my nails, I painstakingly picked and chipped the polish off. Once at a friends house, her family offered to take us swimming but I didn't have a swim suit. Her mother gave me a bikini to change into but I couldn't. I only wore one piece suits and would not change into it. I remember her mom saying "we're all ladies, it's nothing we haven't seen before" but that did nothing to ease my discomfort. We didn't go swimming that day. My peers had celebrity crushes, "who's your favorite Jonas Brother? Are you on team Edward or team Jacob?" I just wasn't into it. I'd give a fake answer, lie, and awkwardly expand upon my fake crush with Nick Jonas. One day I answered truthfully, that I didn't have a celebrity crush, and I got "that's weird" as a response. I hated wearing skirts, but I did like dresses. I guess it's human instinct to go spinny in dress and watch it twirl. There were girls I knew that had their ears pierced as a baby and had always worn earrings. My sister asked me once if I would ever get my ears pierced and I, disgusted, said no, never. Weirdly I did get one ear pierced at eighteen, but the hole's since closed back up. For Christmas one year, my parents got me one of those American Girl books that explained puberty and various things that would happen to my body. I remember staying up and reading it and getting more uncomfortable. In retrospect, the book was nice. It explained various things that 'girls' might experience when going through puberty with questions and life experiences of 'real girls'. How to deal with eating disorders, or not looking like the women on TV, or simply being comfortable in your body no matter the shape or size. But my fears weren't assuaged. I remember crying so hard that my sister came to my room and asked me what was wrong. I told her that I wanted to return the book. I didn't want it. I think she passed the message, and the book, to my parents and that was the end of it. 

Once in middle school, I was accused of being a lesbian and a dyke, a transvestite and a tranny. I lost friends because they thought I was in love with them. If another girl was my friend, they'd get branded as a lesbian too. On a field trip to a museum, the tour guide was asking questions and I raised my hand. He called on me, "The small boy in the back?" Giggles erupted as I corrected him and answered his question correctly. It was a strange moment because at the time I was embarrassed. I tried making excuses too, that I wasn't wearing anything feminine. Just a t-shirt and jeans and of course my hair. I didn't wear make up and my chest had always been small. The guide was incredibly old as well so maybe I could blame it all on him. This was the first time I had been misgendered. I know it's confusing 'how can you be misgendered when he called you a boy? Isn't that correct?' Yes, it is in the present day. But I didn't know back then, I didn't want any attachment to being gay or trans or anything because how my peers treated me. So as I go into high school, people wanted to date me which was a surprise for me since every boy where I grew up wanted nothing to do with me. At first, dating was exciting! Someone wanted me! But I got weird feelings every time I dated someone even before I realized I was trans. The best way I can describe it is an upset stomach. I felt uncomfortable with whoever I was with, I didn't like kissing or touching. For a while I figured I was asexual because of it, but no. In junior year I had a girlfriend and around this time I had realized I was transgender. I hadn't told my girlfriend, I hadn't told anyone. That same feeling permeated the relationship until we broke up, we didn't remain friends either. It wasn't until my next relationship that I figured out why. Before then, I was being dated as a girl. I was the girlfriend. That perception and affection made me uncomfortable. The people I was dating probably didn't just date me because I was a girl, but to them I was a girl and that was too much for me. My first time being the boyfriend, I didn't get that weird feeling. Hell we even had sex which was something I thought was out of the question given my uncomfortability. I'll let you know now, viewer, that this relationship didn't last very long. At least it had given me clarity, I could not stay in the closet. If someone was going to date me, they wouldn't be dating a girl. 

By this point, viewer, you're probably thinking "I get it, you're not a girl. You're a trans man. What's so confusing about your gender?" That's the thing, I'm not wholly a trans man, more trans man-ish. I'm a person first, not a man, but I also don't like people using they/them pronouns for me. I am a he/him queer. My partner and I are married, but I don't like the term husband. We are partners. Out of all the things hormones changed, facial hair is my least favorite. (I'd also say my nose getting wider, but I have no idea if that's testosterone or good old aging so.) I don't want bottom surgery, and I'd take a lot of convincing to consider it. I like my body hair, but I don't want to get much hairier. When 'queen' was trendy slang, I've had coworkers refer to me as such which I quickly shot down. And yes, I despise being misgendered no matter the circumstances. But I know that it doesn't matter at times. I usually get misgendered by customers and I'll probably never see them again. Nowadays, I get nervous correcting people too. People are violent towards trans people and if they didn't clock me before, they will after I correct them. I couldn't pinpoint what makes me a man, or more of a man than others, but it's something deep within me. That same something sings when I look particularly handsome or pretty. It sings when I'm able to open a jar for my partner, funnily enough. It sings when I sing. I could go on. When I notice my sideburns are growing longer. When someone gets my pronouns right on the first try. When I make burgers way better than my dad ever did. When I toss something in the trash and it goes right in. When the veins on my forearm extrude a little bit from exercise. When I put on a nice outfit on the first try. When I run, when I dance, when I go up the stairs two at a time. 

The things that designate either male or female gender to me is non-sensical. Even for cisgender people it's not as cut and dry as it seems. Conservatives whine that about real biological women and when asked to clarify, they seem to spout off "They have a uterus, they can give birth, they have ovaries, etc." During the Olympics last year, there was a lot of accusations that a woman boxer was trans because her face was 'masculine'. But none of these cover all cisgender women. Some cisgender women can't give birth, don't have ovaries or a uterus. Some cisgender women, like that boxer, have a 'masculine' face or a deep voice. Conservatives want to ban gender affirming care when cisgender people get gender affirming care too. Male cisgender people go on Viagra, get hair plugs, or even chest reconstruction surgery. Female cisgender people also get breast surgery, go on hormones, and get laser hair removal. I know for a fact that these things won't get banned for cisgender people, but will become even harder to access for transgender people. It just drives me crazy that people can be so dense and close-minded. Gender binary isn't strict and, honestly, isn't a binary. And yes, I do believe that there's 77,000 genders and every time someone asks how many there are, another 1,000 gets added. You can wear whatever clothes you want, and whatever color as well. You can shoot guns, go fishing, and then go get a manicure in the same day if you have time. If you surgery to get bigger boobs, fine. If you hate how you're balding, then get on hormones. But don't ban these things for us queer folk because just like cisgender people, we need it too. Think about your own gender, viewer, when you look in the mirror. Ask yourself the question, "if I didn't have the genitalia I did right now would I still identify as male or female?" 

I hope this was informative, whoever you are. And keep living your best life as whatever gender you are.