#if I had to pick two aliens who I thought might have read the book... yeah I probably would've gone jorge + valentino makes sense

[batsplat]

*falls to my knees* valentino read agassi's book omg

[singledarkshade]

Always Left Behind

Summary - Returning home after leaving his grandfather with the giant aliens, Daniel is fine.

Author’s Note - @gateathonworks month three, the prompt I chose was Episode Tag.

This is an episode tag to Crystal Skull with spoilers for The Gamekeeper and Forever In A Day.

Hope you enjoy.

~

The clang of his feet on the ramp was a relief to Daniel, meaning he was actually solid once more. Reaching the bottom, he was instantly greeted by General Hammond.

“It is good to see you, Dr Jackson,” Hammond said.

Daniel smiled, “It’s good to be seen again.”

Hammond glanced behind him as the Gate shut down, “Where is Dr Ballard?”

“Dr Ballard,” Daniel stated, with a little more brightness than he intended, “Has opted to stay with the giant aliens and learn more about them for us.”

Hammond stared at him in silence.

“He’ll contact us in a few months to give us an update,” Daniel added before noting, “I’m guessing Janet wants me in the infirmary after everything.”

Without another word, Daniel headed out the Gateroom, heading to the infirmary knowing that Hammond was asking Jack what had happened.

~

Jack quickly explained what had happened to on the planet and waited.

“It looks like I now have to report we lost Dr Ballard. That’s a conversation I’m looking forward to,” Hammond frowned before asking, “Dr Jackson is…”

“Being Daniel,” Jack replied, “I’ll catch up with him once the doctor is through with him.”

Hammond nodded, “On that note, all of you should get to the infirmary now. We’ll do a full debriefing later.”

Jack motioned the other two members of his team to head out before he followed, worried about his friend.

But he knew that he would need to hold off on that, especially when he reached the infirmary and found Daniel fast asleep. Janet had him hooked up to multiple machines, ensuring he was fine after his disappearing act.

“Amazingly,” Janet said moving to Jack’s side when he watched his friend sleep, “He’s in good health. A little tired, a little dehydrated but astonishingly in healthy.”

Jack sighed softly, “That’s good to know.”

“He’ll be asleep for a while,” Janet assured him, “Go and get something to eat then rest. I’ll let you know when he’s awake.”

Jack stared down at Daniel’s face, lax in sleep and for once not bothered by bad dreams.

“His grandfather stayed on that planet,” Jack said softly, “Chose the aliens over his own grandson, who he’d just made amends with. I don’t understand it.”

Janet sighed, “I don’t either. I will say though that in Nick I saw a part of where Daniel’s focus on his work comes from.”

“But Daniel wouldn’t abandon those he loves for it,” Jack replied.

                             *********************************************

Daniel was in his office when Jack found him after ensuring SG6 were debriefed properly and then meeting the new recruits who were joining them. That was always fun, watching the newbies going from disbelief to astonishment in the space of a few seconds.

“Aren’t you meant to be resting?” Jack asked.

Daniel glanced at him, “Just trying to find a book to take home with me,” he held up his hand and clarified, “A specific book I want to read.”

“How you doing?” Jack tried to be nonchalant.

“Still a little tired,” Daniel explained, “But I’m fine. Just hoping Janet will sign me off on Monday so we can get back to work.”

Jack chewed on his lip for a moment as Daniel moved several books to one side and tried again, “About Nick.”

“What about him?” Daniel asked absently.

“Just thought you might want to…” Jack hesitated because he knew, like him, Daniel didn’t really do conversations about feelings.

“Want to what?” Daniel glanced up.

Rolling his eyes, Jack stated, “Talk about Nick leaving.”

“Jack, I’m not upset by what happened,” Daniel told his friend. He shrugged, “It happens.”

“No, it doesn’t,” Jack said.

Daniel tilted his head slightly, “It does to me.”

Nodding when he looked at the book he picked up, Daniel put it in the bag then grabbed his journal sliding it in and turned to Jack.

“I’m heading home before Janet chases me,” Daniel said, “I’ll see you in two days.”

Before Jack could say anything else, Daniel was out the office calling back at Jack to turn the light out when he left.

~

“Well,” Hammond said when Jack finished his version of events after Sam and Teal’c debriefed, “That matches what Dr Jackson told me. How is he, considering his grandfather stayed on the planet?”

“He told me he’s fine,” Jack said, the frown unbidden.

Sam tilted her head thoughtfully, “Isn’t that Daniel-ese for not fine?”

“Usually,” Jack told her, “But when I talked with him, he actually seemed fine.”

The other three stared at him amazed.

“Does anyone have anything else?” Hammond asked, when they all shook their heads, he continued, “Then you have forty-eight hours leave. Dismissed.”

“I would like to visit Ry’ac while we have the time,” Teal’c stated before Hammond left them.

“Of course, Teal’c. Be ready in an hour and we’ll open the Gate for you,” Hammond replied before leaving them alone.

“Tell me you’re not going back to work, Carter,” Jack said sternly.

Sam chuckled, “I’m going to go see my brother. What about you?”

Both Sam and Teal’c stared at him, making him roll his eyes.

“I’m going to check in on Daniel,” Jack assured, “Then I’ll see.”

                             *********************************************

Daniel answered the door, looked at Jack before he turned around and walked back into the apartment knowing Jack would follow him.

“I promise I am resting,” Daniel said as he sat on the couch again, “You didn’t have to come check.”

“Well, the doc doesn’t trust you,” Jack smiled.

Daniel rolled his eyes, “If you want some coffee, the pot is fresh. And there’s some pastries as well.”

Jack raised an eyebrow questioningly as he headed to the kitchen.

“I felt like a walk,” Daniel noted at his friend’s unasked question, “Passed the bakery and they smelled so good. After not eating for a few days, I really wanted one.”

Snagging a chocolate and almond croissant, Jack poured himself some coffee before taking a seat across from his friend. They sat in silence while Jack ate, and Daniel continued to read.

“So,” Jack said, after he finished the last few crumbs, “How are you?”

Daniel let out a soft sigh of irritation, “I’m fine. Jack. I am.”

“Even with what happened with Nick?” Jack pushed.

Putting his mug on the table, Daniel looked at his friend, “I’m fine, Jack. I’m not upset. This isn’t the first time Nick has left me.”

Jack winced but didn’t get a chance to say anything as Daniel continued.

“Nick has left multiple times in my life,” he said with a shrug, “I’m always the one left behind.”

“That’s not true,” Jack told him.

Daniel shook his head, “I’m not talking about you, but my parents left.”

“They died, Daniel,” Jack reminded him.

Shrugging Daniel replied, “That time. My parents loved me, I know that. But they weren’t expecting to have a kid so early in their marriage, or possibly at all. I was an accident. And before you ask, I know because I overheard my mom say once that I was the best accidental discovery they made.”

Stunned into silence Jack wasn’t sure what he could say, surprised when Daniel continued.

“They sometimes forgot I wasn’t an adult and there was more than one time that one of the workers had to remind them I was waiting for them. Then they died and Nick left me for his work, doing the same every time he visited which wasn’t that often,” Daniel paused and sighed, “Then Sha’re left me.”

“She didn’t want to leave you, Daniel,” Jack said softly, “You know that.”

Daniel dropped his head back, “I know. But it feels like it sometimes because she spent the last of her energy trying to tell me where her son was, instead of how I could save her. Then we would have found him together. I know it’s stupid, but I can’t help but feel that way sometimes. And now Nick is gone again. But I’m fine, Jack because I’m always the one left behind. I’m used to it now.”

Jack frowned, “Not anymore.”

“Let’s not kid ourselves, Jack,” Daniel stated, “If we survive this, Teal’c will one day return to the Jaffa, while you and Sam are both career military. You’ll be promoted at some point and could be sent anywhere. I’ll be here. There’s nowhere else I can go.”

Jack stared at his friend for several minutes, he knew that no matter what he said Daniel was in one of those moods that needed more than words. Pulling out his keys, Jack unhooked the spare key for the house from it and placed it on the table in front of his friend.

“Am I getting instructions on what you want me to check?” Daniel asked sarcastically before demanding, “Why are you giving me your spare key?”

“It’s not a spare key,” Jack stated, “It’s your key. For now, and no matter where I am, no matter where I live. If I get promoted, which is very unlikely by the way considering me, you will always have a key and a place in my house.”

Daniel stared at the key.

“You won’t be left,” Jack said, “And you’ll always have me there to drive you crazy.”

Chuckling, Daniel took the key and stood. He added it to his own keys with a smile, before turning to Jack.

“I’m hungry,” Daniel said, “Do you feel like lunch?”

“Only if you’re buying,” Jack jumped to his feet.

Shaking his head as he grabbed a jacket, Daniel motioned his friend out, “Why am I buying? It’s not like you worked through the night to find me.”

[kunosoura]

will we be receiving an annual "Nico looks back on the books she read last year" post

Sure! (Long retrospective under the cut)

I mentioned it in an ask I got a couple of weeks ago, but 2024 was kind of a bum year for me. A lot of the leisure reading I did ended up letting me down in small or large ways. I'm gonna try to be more discerning this year because I don't know if I have another year of slop in me. That said, it certainly wasn't all bad.

The Weaver and the Witch Queen by Genevieve Gornichec

A perfectly good story that scratched my itch for stories set in viking era scandanavia, with magic women too. Unfortunately it never truly excelled, with a straight romance that overshadowed the more compelling dynamic between the three sisters. Had one good moment of pathos near the end and then didn't do anything with it. Scratched the itch but really let me down.

Fourth Wing and Iron Flame by Rebecca Yarros

Initially I was charmed with how much this seemed to be taking shameless pages from the come-and-gone Young Adult Dystopia wave - with the special snowflake main character choosing to be a fighter in the extremely dangerous dragon rider quadrant of her military academy instead of a scholar which would have been the more obvious fit, the tepid het love triangle between the good guy childhood friend and the badboy who seems to also hate her, the comically evil society they live in having its "wait our society is bad??" reveal stretched really far out, and other little bits here and there. Then, I was annoyed as the het love triangle shit turned into the snowflake mc and the badboy having dirty explicit sex every few pages. I stayed on because the action remained really compelling, with a great narrator adding a lot of tension to these dragonback wizard duels, and the occasional bout of compelling intrigue. Then, I think it lost me for good when the author's military wife ideology crept unavoidably into the rest of the story, and the noxious ideas about imperialism, military power and disability became too much to deal with. I might pick up the next book if the line isn't too bad to check out the audiobook from the library, but the good wanes and the bad waxes and cool dragon wizard fight scenes can only go so far.

Land of Milk and Honey by C Pam Zhang

I loved the prose so much that I didn't mind the shabby thematic work or the barebones and, from a bird's eye angle, ridiculous plot. That seems to be the general trend of how people reacted to this book - if the narration of the main character slowly falling back in love with a world not quite as desolate as she thought, with her rich benefactrix and with cooking, a love which slowly seeps back into her thoughts until she's gushing with it, fails to capture you, or worse alienates you, then you won't like the rest of the book. I loved it even if I realized it was deeply flawed.

Exordia by Seth Dickinson

Another book that knew how to pile on the sensuality but was a lot more judicious in its use - I've bounced off of Seth Dickinson's books before, and some of the moments in this book, such as the interminable dynamic between those two gay ass feds, or the author taking yet another moment to show off how good he is at reading wikipedia pages, almost lost me - but the dynamic between Anna and Ssrin, and the espionage thriller sequences, held me through. Like the Fourth Wing books, I'm sort of in a "we'll see how the next book grabs me" state instead of committing to the series fully, but more optimistically than the other example.

The Crown of Stars series (King's Dragon, Prince of Dogs, The Burning Stone, Child of Flame, The Gathering Storm, In the Ashes, The Crown of Stars) By Kate Elliot

Boy howdy did this one let me down. The first book was at times really difficult to read, because one of the main characters is a young woman trapped with very little recourse as a slave to Hugh a horribly abusive and narcissistic priest, and her managing to escape his clutches at the end was genuinely cathartic; her journey from there to the powerful, confident, iconoclastic sorceress she becomes by the end was one of the few consistently good things about the books. Beyond that, I also really appreciated how the author took the time to establish her world not as generic fantasy slop but as a very meticulous alt-fantasy recreation of central Europe circa 1000 AD, with appropriate technology, governments, and social customs; beyond that, at the borders of the world in the early books we get hints of more fantastic elements - gryphons, goblins, elves who more resemble a sort of Mesoamerica than the traditional elf tropes, and higher echelons of being in the heavens, impenetrable yet inviting to the canny sorcerer. The second book seemed to be shaping the series to be about trauma, with Liath struggling to remain free of Hugh both legally and emotionally, and one of the other main characters, Sanglant, struggling to survive and then recover from a year of being kept in squalid captivity, I really liked how it was shaping up.

Somewhere in the second half, the series just got.. flabby. Suddenly every major character had to go through interminable and at times mean spirited arcs about them getting broken down and traumatized. Characters who used to provide a nice contrast for the heavier PoVs of the main characters also had to become bitter and traumatic. The world itself grew darker and had none of the adventure or wonder of the earlier books, so everything became a slog. Just as the struggle against Anne's circle finishes, we suddenly have another war against the newly returned Ashioi to read about, but the author didn't have the energy to actually develop the few interesting parts of that (such as the growing tension between those who had to remain in their dying cast-off world and experience generations of making hard choices to survive, such as killing their abusive priest caste, vs. those who experienced a scant few months exiled as half-ghosts in the human world and are shocked to come back and find the survivors of their home lands completely different - this never goes anywhere!) so it ends with a wet plop. All the things hinted at in earlier books slowly got revealed and most of them were a let down. By the end, I was exhausted and so clearly was the author. Everything from book 5 on was mush. Several point of view characters had arcs that were either brutal to the point of cruelty (Zacharias) or completely fucking pointless (Anna!). Blessing drained the joy out of every page she was on. Ivar I'm never forgiving you for fumbling the affection of the hottest guy on the continent because you were too hung up on Liath. Hugh, kill yourself.

The Iron Dragon's Daughter by Michael Swanwick

Already one of my favorite books every, I got sucked back in reading bits of it formulating a hypothetical nonlinear animated adaptation of this (it would start in the final arc focusing on Rocket and ending with him getting shot down during the Spiral Castle raid then slowly unweave the mystery from there. ask me about it sometime) and ended up reading the entire thing again. God. Read this book. Jane would be so much happier as a Gayden.

The Sanderslop Corner

Tress of the Emerald Sea

The least successful of Sanderson's Secret Projects. Even for what was supposed to be a sort of feminist re-take on The Princess Bride, he still thinks the most interesting thing possible is having a character tinker with the magic in his world. I hope we get to see more of the evil sorceress she was cool.

Yumi and the Nightmare Painter

The middle child of the bunch. I read the ebook of this one, and the chapter art at times almost convinced me I was reading about an imaginative and exciting new world and not yet another corner of the tonal monotony of the Cosmere. The ending actually got me tearing up a bit. Points deducted for doing no weird gender/sex stuff with Painter in Yumi's body.

The Sunlit Man

From the perspective of this being a more connected cosmere novel, this really worked. Got me in the mood for the about to be released Stormlight 5, got me reconsidering how I viewed Sigzil, and all in all a book that played to Sanderson's strengths perfectly, even if it might as well have been one of the Stormlight novellas.

Wind and Truth

Maybe one of his weakest books yet, and that's after The Lost Metal hit lows his series hasn't seen since Elantris. The Great Reddit Debate between Jasnah and Todium was a mess, the Kaladin/Szeth chapters had their high points but the extremely on the nose use of the word Therapy became too corny to take seriously, the spiritual realm chapters did an excellent job of sucking out every bit of the mystery and historical ambiguity that made the Singer/Human conflict interesting, Vyre does nothing except continue being cartoonishly evil so Sanderson can further distance himself from any actual radical politics, Adolin's arc was Fine but overplayed, everything was just a bit too flabby and longwinded.. idk I could keep going but I think the biggest issue is that Sanderson's issues with dialogue and prose are becoming unignorable. This is two so called sanderlanches in a row to miss me. I think I may be past this series. I certainly am if he can't find a better editor.

Media consumption isn't a moral dimension so I'm usually not bothered about reading more SFF than anything else, but I think I need a break from the super popular genre stuff. I need some good prose, some subtlety, some complicated character arcs, and if the author didn't hate women that'd be great too. I dunno. I know the ye olde fantasy tone was always a fictional genre invention with its own foibles but I miss it. I need some characters that don't sound like they'd fit in on a college campus.

[theeccentricraven]

Writer's Questionnaire

Thank you @poethill for the tag! I'm glad I finally found a window of time to get down to this.

About Me

When did you start writing?

When I was six years old, I wrote my first stories. My first story was called "Puppy's Birthday". It was about a puppy named Puppy.

Are the general themes you read similar to the ones you write? 

Good question. The books I read often deal with similar themes that I like to dive into, especially Dystopian fiction. The themes I write are inspired more by my personal experiences in life and philosophies I’ve formed. I like to deal with themes that other writers might have not considered before. 

Is there an author you’d like to emulate or be compared to? 

I hope to be like Brandon Sanderson, a writer with exquisite writing skills who produces highly entertaining stories.

Can you tell us about your writing space? 

Wherever I can bring and set my laptop.

How do you motivate yourself to write?

Thinking about the prize at the end - a published book that says, “Created by a good writer.”

Does your childhood influence the characters and places you write?

Yes, a lot. Many of my stories, like Columbus Day and The Star House Club, take place in my home state of Oregon. The fantasy world of The Keeper of Maralla is largely based on Oregon. My characters in The Star House Club were based on characters I created when I was a kid. Some characters are based on friends and enemies alike. 

Are there any recurring themes in your writing?

Self-esteem. The fight for liberty and opposing oppression. The exploitation of children. Humility in recognizing we are not as advanced or erudite as we think we are. The quest for redemption. Finding faith when surrounded by secularism. The disgust I have for hatred toward both sexes, misandry and misogyny alike. These themes matter a lot to me on a personal level based on my life experiences.    

My Characters

Who is your favorite character and why?

Hard to choose. Probably Jorem because he is so book smart, handsome, and rebellious. I could also say the same about Justin who is street smart, handsome, and rebellious. 

Which of your characters would you be friends with in real life? 

Probably Maralla because she is the ideal comfort character.

Which of your characters would you most dislike irl?

Most of my villains, especially President Fidel who is a master gas lighter and manipulator. 

What is your process with creating characters? 

I come up with characters in the same way that I come up with story ideas in general. When I get an idea, it starts with “What if…” or “How about…” I often think of the MC who is the driving force of the idea. The Blood Cleaners resulted from my thinking, “What if there was an occupation for people who had the sole responsibility to clean up blood?” I quickly imagined the MC who made this story possible - Justin, a street cleaner who wants to be a blood cleaner more than anything. Columbus Day resulted from me wanting to write a first contact story where Avatar meets Pocahontas on earth. I immediately thought of my two protagonists - the human girl and the alien whose friendship would be the center of the story. Sanctuary Calling resulted from my wondering, “What if the human race abandoned earth but left behind primitive societies like some Native American, African, and Middle Eastern tribes, as well as the Amish?” I quickly thought up the MC who would be a girl that made the dangerous trip back to earth and would meet someone from one of the societies left on earth - an Amish boy.

Much as I like my characters, I confess I’m still struggling with flat character development. I’m still learning. My current strategy is to make profiles using Gail Carson Levine’s character dossier sheet that she provided in “Writing Magic”. I then cherry pick from various character sheets I find from various resources. I don’t make full profiles for all characters. I try to think of how a character would react to a situation and what they would say that defines their personality. I love to use the Tumblr writing prompts where characters rephrase a line in their own way. This is just all part of the preparation phase. I’m drafting, I often end up pansting or discovery writing a lot of my characters.

Do you have recurring themes/traits in your characters? 

Again, I struggle too much with flat character development. I often have characters who are shy and insecure, which describes me. I try as much as possible to have characters be different from me. I also have to be careful of Mary Sues as many of my characters are smarter than me, but I know I shouldn’t go overboard. 

How do you picture them? 

I used various pics I found on the web. Origins are linked in the photos.

Justin

Joselyn

Clarice

Jorem

Maralla

Juva

Julie

Nari

Abe

My Writing

What is your reason for writing?

Throughout my life, I’ve come up with thousands of ideas that can’t leave my head. I have to get them on paper where I can mold them and craft them to a shape readers will enjoy. 

Is there a specific type of comment that you find motivating coming from your readers? 

I haven’t shared much of my work, but it’s motivated me when I share snippets that make fellow Writeblrs curious. It makes me want to finish my book and send it to beta readers as well as publish it so that the curiosity will be satisfied.  

How do you want to be thought of by those that read your work? 

I want them to love my characters and consider my writing to be good. I don’t feel I’m at that level yet, but am working hard to earn the compliment, “I love the characters! The writing is superb!”

What is your greatest strength as a writer?

Coming up with imaginative stories and settings. I go into extensive brainstorming that mixes ideas in a soup to form a fascinating story.

What have you been told is your greatest strength?

Much as I lack confidence in my character development skills, I have been well complimented when I have my characters say something proactive and in character. 

How do you feel about your writing? 

I’m not a master, but more than an apprentice. I’m a journeyman. I’ve significantly improved my writing. I am only fairly decent at writing for now. 

If you knew no one would ever read what you wrote, would you still write? 

Yes with 110% confidence.

Are you influenced more by what the reader might like or what you like? 

Good question because I struggle with this. To name one example, I want to have a love triangle in my current WIP. However, all throughout social media, readers and writers say they hate love triangles. The love triangle serves a significant purpose in my WIP. I’d hate to cut it. The best I can do is try to play out the love triangle the right way, not the badly done way that angers readers. In the end, I try to write the type of book that I would like to read, believing there must be readers out there with similar likes.

Tagging (sorry I don't know for sure who has already been tagged for this one): @buffythevampirelover @rickie-the-storyteller @happypup-kitcat24 @jay-avian @leahnardo-da-veggie @pluppsauthor @oliolioxenfreewrites @tildeathiwillwrite

[we-keep-odd-hours]

tagged back by @hex6rcist! Thank you!

under a cut since I also rambled.

1. How are you!? I hope your day is going well.

ehhhh. I'm working not a great job, but its from home and if everyone is going to be insufferable, every single second i get of downtime I'm going to be on tumblr to stay sane.

2. What are you currently working on? Any little projects of any kind you’re excited to share?

I have an original novel in the works, I'm in the brutal final stages of tying off the loose ends of the rough draft (while this advice is some that I struggle to accept, to all writers I'd like to share this: the only thing that a first draft has to be is done.), I have two on-going fics (an Aliens one that's posted anonymously but tbh you could probably find it easily) and one of Diamondback's origin story.

Her origin story is more or less done (posting new chapters as I edit) except for a few plot points I'll make my decision on as I get to them in editing. There's details from my next project, a full follow up to the movie, that I kind of want to include in an epilogue to her story, since they're scenes/plot threads tied on her character arc.

3. What have you been watching lately? I just finished Righteous Gemstones and I need a new show lol.

I'm halfway through my rewatch of Hannibal right now, and I SHOULD rewatch West World next so I can finally watch the last season, but I've been itching to rewatch X-Files for a year now....the only problem being that X-Files is nine seasons, a mini series, two seasons of Millennium (IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND), and one season of Lone Gunmen (ALSO IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND). I never technically finished Millennium either, because they [spoiler] and it made me so angry at Chris Carter that I rage quit.

4. (A Near Dark one because how can I not) what’s your favorite small detail in the movie that other people might overlook?

When they first walk into the bar, Jesse kind of surveys the layout, but Diamondback immediately looks over to her right--at the bartender and the waitress, she then smiles, holds onto Jesse's arm and sets her head on his shoulder--and looks over the waitress again. Between that and her grin when the woman walked over, that whole weird thing seemed like some continuation of whatever game they were playing when she kissed the hitchhiker, which....guys, get a room. Homer and Mae are right there.

There are others, but this is the first one that came to mind.

5. What blog should I follow right now?

I'm bad at this; most people I've followed on here for literal years, or else picked up along the way when we had the same media obsession of the day.

6. Best piece of advice you’ve ever received?

I said it above already, but THE FIRST DRAFT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE GOOD, IT JUST HAS TO BE DONE.

7. If you could add one fantastical element to the real world and have it be a commonly accepted and known about thing what would it be? (Ie make Santa real)

This is asking for trouble: I believed in fairies at an age that was much, much too old to do so. I think it would be fun, or at least interesting if the fair folk were commonly known to exist. Dangerous, unwise, but fun.

8. What’s the last book you didn’t just read, you DEVOURED?

In the Valley of Sun by Andy Davidson. It was nasty, infuriating, full of characters I didn't like for but occasionally felt bad for, and it's about a wandering killer turned vampire living in an old RV just outside of Waco, TX in the 1980s. Yeah, that's what I thought too.

It was a break-neck paced mystery, not exactly of ''who'' did it, but of what happened, how did they do it, and are they going to get caught?

9. What are you most passionate about?

Art, literature, zoology. The order of those items changes frequently.

10. What do you think is your best quality?

oh I hate this question. Passion, I guess? It's not easy to get interested in something, but when I am, I can learn fast, pick up on details, and make weird connections. I'm literal minded and frequently get over-detailed on things, but I can think on multiple tracks at once and have caught things that even our Risk department at work didn't notice because they disrupted something.

[the-nwah-embassy]

>Morrowind remaster announced

>"Hey fellow 'Rimmers! It is I, Todd Howard! We've remastered Morrowind due to overwhelming community request!"

>"For starters, we've removed the 'fog' effects since they're no longer needed! Vvardenfell is now fog free and you can see all over the map!"

>"We realize hidden things may still be difficult to find in the foliage, so we added radar blips to points of interest! Both on your map and on your new radar system! No more looking around for that pesky tax man's body! You've got a pin point right to it!"

>"We also removed a lot of the 'alien' architecture to make the game more friendly and welcoming to prospective modern high fantasy RPG players! More castles and forts and roads like Skyrim™ has! Baldur's Gate 3, right fellas?"

>"Speaking of making the game more streamlined and friendly, we removed the table-top dice roll combat system and made it more in line with Skyrim™'s combat! Isn't that great? No more needing to actually think about what weapon you might want for a playthrough! Just pick it up and swing like a master from the first go! Want to use that esoteric Sixth House Bell hammer? No more need for the blunt skill to be remotely decent! You just know intrinsically how to use it!"

>"We've added quest markers too, since having a journal and needing to immerse yourself in the world isn't very user friendly. You can now fast travel to anywhere with the click of a button! Who wants to plan around those ash-storms and corprus beasts, am I right?"

>"NPCs are now far more friendly and less hostile! No one will refer to you as 'outlander,' and the culture is far more welcoming as a whole! We've retconned the Armistice! Dunmer love the Empire! Patrick Stewart! The Empire never wronged anyone! Dunmer are happy and hopeful and helpful to everyone! They also refer to you as 'My Lord Nerevarine' in Dialogue after you've done the quest! Everyone loves you!"

>"Speaking of dialogue, we've voice acted it now! Well, not all of it, obviously. We took out all that stuff that isn't important and used AI to voice the rest! Who needs all of that world building and extra immersion when you can have voices, amirite?"

>"No more birthsigns or silly shit like that! We have more stones! Stones! Pick your bonus whenever you want, no thought required! Who cares they don't make sense with the lore? Who gives a shit about the lore?"

>"Rather than having to plan out your playthrough and roleplay, you can now join and become the head of every single great house! Who cares if it doesn't make sense that you're the grandmaster of both Hlaalu and Redoran and Telvanni!"

>"We've removed level/skill limits from all factions! You can now become high level in the Morag Tong despite not knowing a single thing about swinging a blade or lead the Thieves Guild even if you can't sneak for shit! We've also removed where the quests conflicted so you can lead every faction too!"

>"No more reading! You're here to play, not read! You no longer have to seek out books in quests or read to understand what to do! Our friendly AI voiced NPCs will tell you exactly what needs to be done and you'll have a map marker straight to it! No thinking required! Who reads all those silly lore books for fun?"

>"There were too many complex spells in the original Morrowind, so we definitely needed to tone that down to make it easier! Now, you have 6 damage spells (two fire, two frost, and two lightning! Wow!), 2 healing spells, and even a conjuration spell that conjures a Draugur from Skyrim™! We thought about giving you more spells and the ability to craft spells as well, but that's way too complex and dangerous! Being a mage has never been simpler!"

>"You no longer have to levitate to meet any of the Telvannis! How irritating was that? Where before you had to have a potion of Float or the ability to levitate, now you can simply climb up a staircase! How immersive for the Telvanni clan quests is that? Telvannis now love non-mages and are very welcoming, just like Skyrim™! In fact, there are no specific requirements for anything! The entire game is open to you even if you have zero idea what you're doing and can't be assed to learn it! To hell with roleplay and other nerd shit! No more need to plan and buy certain potions or become adept in certain spells because of cultural barriers!"

>"We redid the entire main quest to be more user friendly! Don't know the lore? Who cares? Who the fuck is Sotha Sil? Who even is Dagoth Ur? Why does Almalexia want you dead? Who gives a shit! Who cares about Dunmeri culture or Resdayn or why Dagoth Ur has gone mad? What's a Sharmat? What are the tools of Kagrenac? What is a Kagrenac? Why is Yargrum Bargarn so significant? Why is it so funny when Archmage Trebonius asks you to solve the mystery of the dwarves? Why should you care? You shouldn't! Fuck engaging with media! Just go braindead and play!"

>"We have obliterated Snowy Granius with a ray gun! No more filter to ensure you're ready for the Dwemer ruin! Just go in there and fuck shit up! It's the same with the entire game! No need to understand mechanics! Just point and click!"

>"Morrowind multiplayer! Always online, even in single player! Can't afford always online? Get a new computer and a new job, you useless loser!"

>"More incredible changes upcoming after the break! I'm Todd Howard, and remember: Buy Skyrim! Give me your money, you inept fucking dorks! I ate Elder Scrolls Six with a side of beans and you're never getting it!" >Twitch commercial for Oblivion Remastered plays 4 times.

[nightskylonging]

My reactions from reading Wind and Truth

Spoilers for the whole book under here! Also for The Sunlit Man!

Post-reading notes added in red.

Day one: Prologue through chapter 61

Kaladin has come so far. I’m so proud of him.

Kaladin Renarin and Adolin brothers? Official? Please?

'He had not given up his right to take Moash to task.' Kaladin really said ‘it wasn’t my fault, and I’m going to kick his rear’ I think he can still do this? Because the Windrunners didn't get him. So when we get down to brass tacks in the back half, I think Kaladin still has a shot at facing him down.

Oh my goshhhhhh Szeth needs so much therapy. His spren needs so much therapy. Can Knights Radiant do like. A relationship break? I think they need it? This is not healthy? Well. Didn't expect it to shake out like that, but I was still right!

Gavinor is having nightmares… Branderson this had better just be the trauma, if you go the child champion route, I swear… Ha. Hahaha. This poor boy.

Wait. Kaladin has a rock in his pack. Szeth’s oathstone??? Maybe?

Aladar does make me wonder. Stakes can’t really get higher for the back half… is the second half of Stormlight societal revolution? Never mind! Stakes can get higher!

Szeth’s flashback. It kinda makes my heart hurt. Already you can see the seeds of the older version, the beginnings of that obsessiveness. But I also think it’s interesting how Szeth is living a classic fantasy story: farmboy, cast out, caught up in strange affairs in alien lands…

Ba-Ado-Mishram… the 17th Shard forum (chaos specifically) must be having a field week with this

I love that Lopen is the one to lay it all out practically. And that he’s picking up on Lift’s intensifiers

‘Dai-Gonarthis! The Black Fisher holds my pain, and consumes it!’ That’s the quote in TWOK’s death rattles, I think. Is that what happened to El I wonder? Did she consume his rhythms? I don’t know how that would work, but it might be something.

Day three’s only Adolin, Szeth, and Kaladin’s POVs… aghhh

Kaladin: the murder was bad. You can get better Szeth: ah, of course. I should feel nothing when I kill. Kaladin: *sighing*

The Well of Control? Shroud of the fragments of the dead moon??? That goes hard, but what does it mean?

Wait. What do the Shin think about sand? Is that sacred? I don’t think so, based on an earlier pebble comment.

Szeth. Nooooooo. Suicide is not the way. Bad for you. Bad for Kaladin.

OH MY GOSH I JUST REALIZED THE CHAPTER ARCHES ARE COLLAPSING

Ashyn. Something that shook even Hoid. More and more we wonder at his story…

New chapter header! A pen and a spear… interesting. Maybe Syl? She mentioned wanting to learn to scribe. Oh, Sigzil!

Oh no. I just had a horrid thought. Is this battle why Nomad is so wrecked in The Sunlit Man? Yes and no, I guess.

Okay, new thought. It’s been 460 pages and nary hide nor hair of Moash. Where is he? Is he out for this book? He did finish the last one in… spectacular fashion.

Adolin has some very deeply buried resentment to deal with methinks. Either that or he’s going to burn out. Maybe both.

Oh, Kaladin… ‘Tonight, he wrote a different story for himself. Of a man who loved music.’ This genuinely brought a tear to my eye, this and his kata dance with Syl. He made it. I made it. We made it. It’s still hard, but there is music.

… well, there’s Moash.

Did they hemalurgy him??? Because in my cosmere experience, spikes = hemalurgy

Okay. I’ve got to say, we are coming back to the roots with this book. This feels like a proper fantasy novel. Which may sound weird, but Stormlight, especially Rhythm of War, was feeling a lot more sciencey. Not a bad thing, but we’re fully back in fantasy now.

Ima be honest, I completely forgot about Venli.

A fourth moon??? That… that has to be a metaphor, right? Current theory: someone tried a satellite, and Honor smote it. Tower of Babel esque. Well, wrong about that. I still don't get this fourth moon stuff. Time to go visit the 17th Shard?

Day two: chapter 62 through epilogue

He still has the stuffed sheep…

The chapter arches are still crumbling. And now the faces are getting mixed up, usually they’re symmetrical, but 70 just has one of Wit’s faces. Opposite him is… maybe Chanarach? I went and checked the Coppermind Wiki: definitely Chana. Didn't spare time to try and figure out if the mismatched faces meant anything, though. Though this is also how I accidentally spoiled what would happen to Kaladin, which fair. Coppermind updates fast. And we all had a feeling about that, no?

Shallan doesn’t want to look at Chanarach. Are the theories right? Chana was her mother? Wait. In Gavilar’s prologue the Stormfather says a Herald died. Does the timeline match up? It might… Shallan was… twelve or so then? I’d have to go check her flashbacks.

And the Iriali are leaving. Interesting… there’s another story. A lot of stories in these interludes. Are they off to Tress's planet?

I am developing a theory. Adolin is becoming what I call a deadeye knight – a partnership with a deadeye, maybe the armor too. Doesn’t come with powers. Bang on, past me.

TALNNNNN!

The highspren names are numbers. Huh. Okay. Immediate instinct is That’s Bad, but spren are like that. Thought about it. Still don't like it.

Lift is growing! And she found Zahel!

Ah, we were all right. Shallan is Chana’s daughter. She was the Herald the Stormfather felt die the night of Gavilar’s assassination. And she was the one who broke, not Taln. Taln never broke.

Oh. We knew Ashyn was bad, that they essentially nuked the place. But. Oh.

Szeth is figuring it out! Good on him!

Full circle. The Wandersail.

I’m on chapter 116, and folks? I am stressed.

I should have known it was Ishar, with those tortured spren.

Oh, so that fourth moon stuff was pre-Honor weirdness? Seriously, what is up with this fourth moon?

Dawn of the final day. 24 hours remain. I think my timing is technically off on putting this here, but it felt wrong to put it on the beginning of day nine.

They say it’s always darkest before the dawn, but this does feel pretty hopeless.

Wit’s story! At last!

That wasn’t much of a story, Hoid.

The Wind keeps telling Kaladin ‘I’m sorry’, and that is freakin’ ominous

Sebarial and Palona got married! ¡Finalmente!

Ooh, Branderson. You went and did it. Curses. Poor Gavinor.

Heck. It’s the trolley problem

Adolin gets a Shardleg? I was right! Deadeye Knight!

Unoathed? Now that’s a name!

Ten people with Shardblades alight. The suckling child. The burdens of nine (become mine… oh Almighty release me). These are all from the TWOK death rattles.

It’s all the death rattles. Gosh, rereading those will be a punch in the gut.

From 144 on, my commentary is only screaming.

Kaladin has a herald stone. I. *screams*

Okay, some more thoughts! Not at all cohesive. I. Need to reread some stuff. The Lost Metal, for Hoid. The Way of Kings, at least the death rattles, for the gut punch. The Sunlit Man, to see what clues were there.

I love the reveal that the in-world book was written by Szeth's wife. He really does get to heal. (Way to meet your future wife though. 'hello. can you help me bury a body.')

All the pieces will come into play now. This book just expands like crazy. The back half is definitely going to require High Cosmere Knowledge, and we're moving steadily into the more sciencey side.

I uphold my mid-read statement that W&T does feel more like a fantasy novel than ROW.

My two quibbles: The writing feels a bit modern. I'm willing to excuse that as we move into the more tech-magic fusion stage of the Cosmere. Plus, that modernity will fade a bit with time, I would assume. In the future it won't read the same. I wouldn't have written it that way, but there were only a few places where my mental editor's pen came out where I really wanted to change what was written. I know a lot of other people feel this way too, and a lot more strongly than I do. The second is the overall length of the book. And this is something that I think happens to a lot of bigger authors as they go on, so it's definitely not just Sanderson. Some of this could have been trimmed down. But that's pretty common, you can see it with a lot of authors once they get big and can go back and forth with their editors more.

This sure was a conclusion, but it definitely isn't the end.

[dontbelasagnax]

9 People You Would Like to Get to Know Better

I was tagged by @notthestarwar and I think @merlyn-bane tagged me a week or two ago. Thanks guys!

Three ships: Really, the two big ones for me right now are codywan and ineffable husbands. They're all I want to think about... buuuut if I had to pick a third one, it would be hannigram. Not in the mood to read the fanfiction but I do so love the gifsets.

First ever ship: I don't know. I had a fondness for a variety of different pairings before I ever knew what fandom or shipping was. I guess the first couple I actively shipped--really went ham and shoved them together like barbie dolls--was the Doctor and River Song. Love those two, especially the space wives.

Last song: What'd I Say, Pt 1 & 2 by Ray Charles

Last movie: Alien! Watched it for the first time a few weeks ago and thought it was good. Loved the set design, lighting, overall pacing, and tHE CAT! Definitely kept asking myself when it was going to get scary though 😂

Currently reading: American Gods by Neil Gaiman! I started it a few months ago when I bought it, alongside too many other books, from a used bookstore on a trip visiting my best friend but I hadn't touched it again before today. I have this horrid habit of binge reading for a couple hours and then putting the book down only to procrastinate picking it up again it for months (usually years) even though I really loved what I'd read thus far. Really happy I picked it up again- I do love a Gaiman story.

Currently watching: My mom and I have been watching GBBO together but very very soon we will be watching the 60th anniversary Doctor Who specials. November here we come! Doo wee doooooo

Currently consuming: Water, always and forever. Might make myself some tea in a bit.

Currently craving: More scented candles... but I'm so hard to please. I only like the most basic of scents singularly and perfected. Classic things like vanilla or cinnamon but not both at the same time.

no pressure tags: @anaclastic-azurite @korra-is-love @foreverchangingfandomsao3 @shortcuts-make-long-delays

[chowtrolls]

How Do Trolls Learn Language?

Here’s the Google Docs Link, I think it’s much easier to read on GD! 

Before I go on a hugeass long winded ramble, I want to clarify my qualifications so you know I’m not just talking out my ass. I have a degree in Middle Childhood Education, specifically in Language Arts! I also have certifications in teaching English as a second language and in reading intervention. Essentially, I am qualified to provide individualized instruction for students K-12 who may have delays in literacy, or have a reading disability of some sort. When I write this, please know I’ve thought about this SO MUCH. Phonics & language development are actually faucets of education that I not only highly value, but adore! 

Enough tooting my own horn. You get the gist. 

Language is developed in children by developing their phonological awareness, going up a ladder and ending with phonemic awareness. Phonological Awareness is the ability and awareness of sounds in a spoken language (ex: /cat/ rhymes with /bat/. If I replace c with r, the word is now /rat/). Phonemic Awareness is the understanding that letters make sounds, and how to manipulate them (I know /cat/ is sounded out by saying /cuh/ /ah/ /tuh/. The first sound of /cat/ is /cuh/. C can make /k/ or /s/ sounds.). Now, I could spend literally hours telling you the steps and processes. If you WANT to know more- you can look up how decoding, blending, and fluency lead up the ladder steps to phonemic awareness. But I don’t want to bore you. And I know you’re probably confused, isn’t this about aliens?? Yes! Hold on!!

Language is developed SOCIALLY! Primarily by PARENTS! And secondarily by SCHOOLS!!!! I know, I know, who woulda thunk schools had a purpose? Children who are read to by their parents have a higher rate of fluency & literacy. And in schools, if anyone can recall, you might’ve done some now silly activities like…”A is for Apple, B is for Ball,” maybe a word wall if you were lucky, sounding out syllables, “I before C except after E”, “When Two vowels go walking the first one does the talking..” so on and so forth. Those were necessary skills for developing your language skills. You didn’t wake up one day and just KNOW how to read. It took literal decades of your life. It took decades of conversations with peers, with friends, with adults in your life, reading books and watching movies, listening to adults converse, reading signs on the streets without realizing it…even now, you’re still learning! Even now, you’re still utilizing the phonemic & phonological awareness skills you learned over decades of being a social creature on Earth!!

When I make you read this word, it might be the first time you’ve seen it, it might not. Humor me. 

PHANTASMAGORIA 

As a human being with some experience in the English Language, you might know how to work your way through it. /PH/ makes an /f/ sound, right? So you know it starts with /f/. You know /ant/ and /mag/, and can blend the word into /phan/-/tas/-/mag/-/or/-/ia/. Those are all skills you learned socially. Somewhere along your life, you picked up the information that /ph/ makes /f/, and that O when paired with an R makes an /or/ sound. These tiny little aspects of your knowledge were developed socially. Via conversations. Listening. Talking to adults as a child. Talking to classmates as a student. Reading books. Watching video game streamers. Listening to music. Singing. Eavesdropping on your mom while she was on the phone. But mostly…Talking, talking, talking! Baby, language is a socially developed construct!  

So how the fuck do trolls learn language?

Trolls don’t officially have schoolfeeding (or so I was told.) On top of that, trolls are primarily raised by lusii, semi-sentient animals that haven’t all been shown as capable of language. Some may speak telepathically! But how can an entire race of aliens learn to speak the same languages if only a tiny fraction of them actually had parents who spoke to them? Trolls might’ve had jades in the caverns speak to them as grubs but, if we use human child development as our baseline, we know that isn’t nearly long enough to develop any true sense of phonological awareness. 

While my qualifications are primarily in teaching English, I know full well that literacy is similar amongst every language, every community. It’s a socially taught concept. And if we turn our gaze to animals, you’ll see it's much the same! Think of a litter of puppies. They don’t speak a literal language- but they have a body language. They learn through play with their littermates and interactions with the dogs around them what is and isn’t acceptable, and how things are said in their own language. A puppy learns from watching its mom play bow. 

Because trolls aren’t inherently social, and because their parental figures often can’t read themselves, I propose the idea that trolls are born knowing language. Or, well, hatched. 

We know, looking at the animal kingdom, that not all things a creature does is language-based or even socially learned. For example, how do puppies know to bite? They don’t learn it from mom or their litter, it’s an instinct. They’re born knowing how to do that. Human babies are born with a lot of instincts they can’t utilize until later in life, but every baby’s first instinct is to cry. The baby has no idea what crying will lead to- and ultimately later will learn- but in the first few moments of life, a baby cries. It doesn’t know why. It just cries. A puppy just bites. A baby bird just opens its mouth. A newborn foal just stands. And I believe that a troll, once it reaches pupation, just speaks. You could argue that humans are also born with the instinct to learn language, but…if left WITHOUT verbal language right from birth, a human being just won’t speak. My theory is, even without verbal language, a troll WOULD. Or at the very least, a troll could pick up verbal language much faster. 

I don’t think a newly pupated toddler troll knows what physics is and could explain what the fourth state of matter is. But I do think they’re made knowing a certain pool of words. It could be that as grubs, their lusii CAN communicate with them- so they’re pupated knowing basic words their lusii spoke to them as grubs. Language here is still a socially developed skill, but not entirely dependent on such. A troll living in a city with advertisements and signs everywhere, with music playing constantly, with the chatter of adults and older trolls all around, might have more developed language skills than a troll who lives in the country. But ultimately they both can still speak, and hold a conversation! I think lowbloods in tight-knit communities would have higher literacy levels, and if we follow the headcanon of Fleet Academies, then highbloods in those settings might as well. Jades typically are raised together, too. 

And, furthermore, my final point here is that trolls are developed to pick up on language much easier than a human might be. This would probably be the absolute best way of explaining it. That language, to trolls, is an instinct, and something that they as an alien race are highly capable of building off of. They are just hatched knowing language, and knowing how to develop it. Trolls never have to DEVELOP the sense of metacognition. They are hatched with it. A troll doesn’t have to develop phonological awareness. They’re hatched with the fully developed ability to hear, identify, and manipulate sounds in a spoken language. They never have a period of having to learn the language they’re being spoken- they are hatched knowing it. 

An unfortunately unsatisfactory answer, right? 

This will still keep me up at night until I can create a more solid concept. However, there truly is no way I can properly explain the intricacies of this without word vomiting phonological concepts on you. Trolls are hatched with a higher capacity for fluency in language. Since societal conversations and norms aren’t heavily relied upon in trollian society, concepts such as prosody aren’t as focused upon. If Alternia has one main universal language, it would mean trolls have less to learn- however, as a human, I struggle to see how trolls can have one language without a plethora of regional dialects, as we have in the United States. 

By never having to develop a sense of metacognition, by starting their language development halfway up the ladder by knowing language from the start, by perhaps not having to go through Piaget’s developmental stages as slowly as humans do, trolls perhaps have a higher capacity for learning in general. This might be a survival skill- they live in such a hostile society that it might be necessary for them to have a higher language level. Perhaps there are colonies or planets run by trolls who DO teach socially, and they have an even higher rate of fluency and literacy. 

That’s the fun part about aliens, right? 

You can kinda do whatever you want with them! :)

[tenthousandyearsx]

Hey! I'm curious, pls indulge me: which book or fic that you've read in 2023 has made the most impression and why? x

Hi magpie! What a great question to find in my inbox. ❤ I actually rarely look back or make lists for some reason, so it was lovely to do so just now!

Books:

I saw someone reading “Lanark” by Alasdair Gray on public transport last December. I had never heard of it before, so I looked it up and it ended up being one of the wildest things I’ve ever laid my eyes on. I really, really liked the first book, it made me think of The Master and Margarita (which I adore!) and it seemed plucked entirely from the author's unconscious, which is always a bonus with me. But as I read the other three books, I got progressively more frustrated and annoyed, so I honestly don’t know if I’d recommend it. That said, the opening book was such a shock, I can’t stop thinking about it. I just keep wishing I could unread the rest. 😬 (Sorry for the conflicting rec! You might have read it already – and if so, I’d love to know what you think).

Because I'm so conflicted about choosing the novel above, my second pick is a reread of a book I used to love as a teen, but that nobody seems to have heard of. It’s called ‘The Only Alien on the Planet’ by Kristen D. Randle. It has nothing to do with aliens; it's a getting together YA novel about a boy who refuses to speak or be touched and the female protagonist, who's a transfer student and doesn't know what she can or can't do around him. It was my first time rereading it in almost two decades and I still loved it so much. I have no idea what it would be like to read it for the first time as an adult though. CW for childhood trauma – but it’s not a heavy novel. I fell for the male character all over again 🥲.

(Also, because I know you like danmei as much as I do, I just want to add here that I’m dying to read Nan Chan – but I haven't yet!!)

Fics:

I’ve been binging a lot of Alhaitham / Kaveh fics – their characters are so compelling and I cannot get enough of the whole quarrelling scholars living together dynamic they have going. On top of this, I discovered only a couple of days ago that Alhaitham is based on Tagore among other things, so now my brainrot is even worse.

This is probably not a ship you’re interested in, but if you are, I loved "pure conjecture" by shrimpheavnnow. It's 5.7k words PWP but it’s so them, and I thought the premise was hilarious. I also need to mention a wip I’m following, which is very much on the same vein but looks like it's going to be 12 glorious chapters of PWP: “testing, testing” by Lithopus.

Drarry: I don’t normally read memory loss fics, but I read "Somewhere in My Memory" by maraudersaffair while I was stuck at home with covid and it brightened my week so much I’m still thinking about it months later. I’m personally really bad at writing domesticity, and I thought their day-to-day looked so effortless here!

Oh! I also read astolat’s Jeeves and Wooster fic for the first time a few weeks ago ("Jeeves and the Blessed Indiscretion") and I thought her Wooster’ voice was brilliant.

Sorry for the long reply! I was probably supposed to pick only one but I got a bit carried away.

If you have any fic recs, especially wangxian and hualian, I'd love to hear them! x

[desertfangs]

It IS very weird that Benji is there (as in, court/Auvergne) at the end with Armand and not Daniel but then again, the last time before that one, Daniel is there with Armand but not Benji or Sybelle, so I guess it’s one of those things where it’s fair to assume that Armand just picks an immortal in his house to travel with at any given time depending on everyone’s mood. Also, I don’t know if Daniel would’ve had it in him to keep his mouth shut during THAT scene with Lestat, given his track record of just saying the first thing that pops into his head. Benji cried and offered Armand his support but didn’t actually say anything? And while I’m not entirely sure how Daniel would’ve reacted, I do believe it might’ve involved words and who knows how that could’ve gone! Sorry I’m just rambling now 🤣

It is, yeah! In universe, I think it's probably a matter of Daniel was off doing something else during BC2 and/or house sitting Trinity Gate (read: playing through The Last of Us and refusing to leave until he got to the end). Maybe he opted not to come to court so Sybelle and Benji went because Daniel was staying at the house. I mean the possibilities are endless.

It's just funny to me he's absent from BC2 (entirely, not so much as a mention) because Daniel is the one who literally started the series, who's such a fundamental part of Armand's life and character arc, and who is someone I think Armand could rely on for comfort and support. And instead it's Benji. 😐 As an authorial choice, it's sort of weird given that we know Armand and Daniel have recently reconnected and are presumably living together at TG, but I don't know why Anne made those decisions and I doubt we ever will.

As for Daniel being mouthy, absolutely, he doesn't really keep his thoughts to himself (except, apparently, in RoA LMAO when there are ALIENS - I'm sorry I'm just never gonna be over that. The aliens or Daniel's lack of commentary on them!)

I don't think he'd have a problem with anything Armand said: I think he knows Armand has loved Lestat deeply since they first met. I also think the reason Daniel is not mentioned in that speech is because it's understood that he's in a different category altogether and cannot be compared to Armand's other relationships (he's his fledgling, after all, among other things). And Daniel is the one in PL talking about how vampires have a great capacity for love.

So Daniel would have been supportive AF of Armand in that moment but you are very right that it would not have been SILENT support and I guess it might have complicated matters if Daniel mouthed off to Le Prince. Maybe they'd throw him down in those terrible dungeons they're building. (Fandom we need to talk about those! WTF IS THAT.)

It just bums me out that we get so little of Daniel in the final two books, when he's finally sane again and with Armand, and we see zero of it. Also dude would have had so much to say about the aliens, I just can't. MISSED OPPORTUNITY. But that is what fic is for. But like at least put him in the freaking mural, I mean, come on!

[thehaemanthus]

Recently Read

I was in a reading and everything-else slump for a while, and I still kind of am. However, some recent releases got me back into the game. Let's go!

War Games, Jacky Leon Series, K.N. Banet

I already said a little about this book and I've talked about this series before. I love the world that Banet created (the two other series in this universe make up the Tribunal Archives). I love the families, the politics, the characters, all of it. Is it like, the best books in the world? Well, no, but I really really love them for what they are.

War Games was the book that answered some of my questions and delivered on the development I had been waiting for. The last book felt a little short and uneventful to me (though stuff certainly did happen), but this book delivered on character and plot development. I had a moment when I had to stop reading and just grinned maniacally. In my head I was rubbing my hands together, going "oh ho ho!"

The series in planned to be 15 (!) books, but alas that means we are getting closer to the end of the Jacky Leon series. That breaks my heart a bit. But I know there are other adventures to be had in this universe!

Nightfall's Prophet, Aileen Travers Series, T.A. White

I picked up the Aileen Travers series a while ago and kind of forgot about it until the new book wandered in my path. Aileen woke up in the morgue one day as a vampire, and tries to figure out how to live as a vampire with no one to teach her. At this point in the series, she's pretty well established and settled in her space among vampires, though still chaffing at some rules and expectations.

This book was solid! Some good action, whump, romance, family drama. The last book left off on quite the cliffhanger, and this one picks up on it. I'm enjoying Aileen's adventures with werewolves and fae as a baby vampire.

Firebird Chronicles, T.A. White

I think the series is finished, but I Did Not Complete the last book. I thought I'd go for another T.A. White book, this time a sci-fi. The first book was interesting, and the next few had enough mysteries to keep me engaged.

The series follows our protagonist, Kira, as she goes on a journey of discovery about who she is about a decade after a devastating war. There's alien species, action, and romance. Oh yeah, and the enemies aliens are still out there doing nefarious things.

But there were two things I couldn't get over. The first was the...idk, perfection and snarkiness and just bad Millennial Girl Boss vibe from the main character. A lot of the dialogue didn't feel natural. She's the most powerful warrior, she's smarter than you, she's calling brother-figures "bro"...after a while I can't do it anymore.

The second thing is something that might just be a T.A. White feature. The female protagonists I've read have antagonistic relationship with their love interests. And I know I like an enemies to lovers, but this is not quite that. The male love interest is in a position of power, and the protagonist is trying to rebel or skirt that power for their own goals. Okay, normal. But there's a lot of trickery and manipulation and some of that I'm like...hm okay, maybe that's fine. But there are a few instances where it's kind of like. Oh. Whoa. Is that forgivable? It would be something like locking up the protagonist for her own good even though it's expressly against her wishes, and doing it in a tricky way instead of finding a compromise or convincing her. And this is after they've established they are interested or are a couple. To the author's credit, she sometimes does address this. I don't think it's bad writing or bad couples, I just think her couples aren't always my cup of tea.

In the end, the plot and characters weren't enough to keep me engaged. When I had other options, I couldn't sit down and read the last book. It just wasn't fun anymore.

Galactic Bonds Series, Jennifer Estep

Did not expect to like this series so much! Vesper is a engineer of sorts in a world where families control planets and industries. A blurb marketed it as Regency-like, but uh, I think it's only regency in the fact that there's some balls and Lords and Ladies. When Vesper's whistle-blowing at work lands her in danger, she gets thrown into the path of one of the most dangerous guys in the galaxy. And, well, you know how that story goes.

I'm really enjoying this! The plot is interesting, driven chiefly by the characters and their struggles and feelings. Vesper and the love interest, Kyrion, had distinct personalities that aren't too cookie cutter and their development feels real. The supporting cast is also solid. I like the settings and there's good action.

There series is not finished, but I am eagerly awaiting the next book.

[lilareviewsbooks]

May Reading Wrap-Up: 8 SFF Books :)

Hey guys! Happy Pride Month! I have my reading month to share with you all - it's the first month of summer and so things are picking up here on the reading end. And honestly, I couldn't be more excited and happy to be reading :) Let's see what I read!

Lagoon, by Nnedi Okorafor

no rating | 306 pages | queer main characters!

This was the last book I finished before leaving school and coming home! I took a super cool sci-fi class last semester and read all sorts of books from all over the world - this was my professor's pick for Nigeria! I haven't rated it since I read under circumstances that bias me towards rating it lower than I should - aka class.

Regardless, I'll tell you my thoughts: this book tells the stories of a series of interconnected people living in Lagos, and how their lives are affected by the arrival of aliens. I love a good first contact story, so I was excited! But unfortuantely I didn't find myself liking this book too much.

The problem I have with Ms. Okorafur's writing is her pacing. I find things move too quickly to my liking, and too much attention is spared for the things I am not concerned about, while major events feel glossed-over. I had much the same feelings as I had with her Binti trilogy: I think the plot is fun, and I'm intrigued, but the writing turns me off completely. This time, I was even more into it, as Ms. Okorafur was focused on the arrival of aliens in the third world, and that was a lot more realistic, fun and unique than our typical narratives of first-contact-in-the-US - especially for a fellow third world-er.

Overall, I don't not recommend it. Give it a try! But if Binti felt rushed for you, I don't think this one will be your cup of tea, either.

The Dallergut Dream Department Store, by Lee Mi-Ye

2.5 stars | 306 pages | no queer rep :(

Oh, The Dallergut Dream Department Store... I wrote a full review on this one, so I won't dally too much, but suffice it to say it wasn't that enjoyable of an experience! The story follows Penny as she begins to work at a Dream Store people visit while they sleep.

Although definitely cozy, I thought the story really lacked direction. There's no over-arching plot, and everything feels like a sequence of short stories. At the end, the author seems to realize her mistake and attempt to insert some semblance of a plot, but it falls completely through given that it's so close to the finish line. The main character is also dreadful, with no personality, no agency, and basically no point to existing besides asking the right questions at the right times. Other characters were plenty more enjoyable and could've been amazing main characters.

Some of the vignettes were fun, but it just made me wish more and more that an editor had looked at this one more time. It has potential, but it feels like a rough draft. After a semester spent workshopping scripts, I couldn't help feeling like this was one of fellow classmates' drafts, and that I needed to help them improve. Overall, I wouldn't recommend!

A Taste of Gold and Iron, by Alexandra Rowland

4 stars | 512 pages | MLM main couple

Okay, so. I don't usually read speculative romance, and I guess I should make it clear, as it means I'm not thaaat good of a judge on the genre. But I wanted something that would make me gush, and didn't have the brain power for anything like the more complicated political fantasies I'm usually into. So was born my era of queer romantasy, which is already continuing into June.

Help. I've become quite addicted.

A Taste of Gold and Iron is, as far as I'm concerned, a delightful example of the genre. It follows a shy, anxious prince and his new bodyguard (who might resent him just the tinniest bit). They are thrust into a mystery they must unravel, as well as deal with their own personal afflictions, and - of course - navigate their feelings towards each other.

I thought the two main characters, particularly Kadou, the prince, were very well constructed. Their dynamic - "sworn to protect the prince" and "the prince" - is also treated very well throughout the book, as both of them address the implications of this particular relationship. And their relationship is so good, that it had an - uncharacteristic, let me add - effect on me: I sat up on my bed and squealed.

So, yeah! This is a good one! I will caution people who, like me, are coming from non-romance fantasy, that the main plotline outside of the relationship is very simple and silly at times. (It was comped with The Goblin Emperor, which is simply not true and a comparison I resent very much). I didn't mind it though, involved as I was with their love for each other! Highly recommend!

The Last Binding Trilogy [A Marvellous Light; A Restless Truth & A Power Unbound], by Freya Marske

3 stars (as a whole) | 400ish pages | MLM & WLW rep :)

This was my first endeavor into my search for queer Bridgerton, which has not yet proven a 100% successful, but will definitely have its own post!! Anyway, this a series set in magical Edwardian England, where a group of gays finds each other and get embroiled into a mysterious plot. Each book follows a different couple, which is a good gimmick, but there's also an over-arching plot, so you do need to read them in order.

I found myself having fun with the romances, but not impressed in the least by the plot. I found it dull, unoriginal and full of mustache-twirling villains - which is the worst offense, in my opinion. Nuance is mandatory in my favorite characters! I found the last book to be the worst offender, which is why I rated it the lowest.

I have a longer review in which I get into the nitty-gritty of this topic in particular, but also found it extremely disappointing that racism or the trans-atlantic slave trade's consequences in general were not explored at all in the books. This was worsened by the fact that other social prejudices are plenty explored - in fact, it's practically one by book: homophobia in the first, sexism in the second, and classism in the third. And although I have no expectations that all books explore all topics, given the importance and the relevance of this debate to the time period and the fact that other prejudices were unpacked, it definitely left a gapping hole.

A Natural History of Dragons, by Marie Brennan

4 stars | 334 pages | no queer rep!

In my desperate need for historical speculative fiction, as well as my attempts to read as many books as possible for my r/Fantasy Bingo card, I ended up with the Memoirs of Lady Trent series. It has long been in my TBR and so I was very excited!

It definitely fulfilled my expectations! The series chronicles the life of Isabella, or Lady Trent, a gentlewoman in "Victorian England" - it's not England and it's not Victorian, it's a made-up country, but let's leave it at that - who has an obsession with dragons (who exist, in this world!). Fighting against sexist prejudices, Isabella eventually becomes one of the major specialists in dragons of her time, and the series chronicles her various expeditions and experiences.

The novel is certainly slow, told in the more subdued voice that readers of Isabella's time period would find suitable. But this doesn't make it less exciting! I found myself particularly compelled by the exploration, however slight, of what it means to be a stranger in a place. To be visiting, and living in other peoples' houses, and exploring their culture and nature for science. Of the particular awkwardness that brings, but also of the joys, when a cross-cultural connection is made.

I'm excited to continue on with the series - I'm about halfway through book two and loving it just as much, so I expect it'll be a lot of fun for me :)

The Hatmakers, by Tamzin Merchant

4 stars | 368 pages | very minor queer side characters, but they do have a moment to shine and it's pretty cute!

Apart from historical fantasy, I also had a craving for middle grade! I loooove reading middle grade stories, and so hunted the internet for recommendations until I found this one! It's delightful: it tells the story of Cordelia, a girl whose family are magical hatmakers. One day, while out searching for ingredients to make even cooler hats, Cordelia's father is lost at sea, and Cordelia is the only one who believes he's still alive...

And imagine my delight when I found out this was set in the Regency period! It was a crazy coincidence, but it definitely helped my enjoyment. I thought the world building was nice, even if we didn't get too deep into it for this first book, and there's some politics here, too, which was fun!

My main complaints are that the book tied too many loose ends to make me compelled to read this as series. I'll definitely want to pick up book two, just 'cause, but I wonder if it wasn't best to have a bit more of a cliff-hanger with the plot points that are important in the second-half of the book. I also don't know if I agree with the way the book is approaching Cordelia's grief for her father, but I obviously haven't read the whole series, and so can't speak on the project as a whole.

Apart from this, I found the story charming, the characters delightful, and the magic system interesting, even if a little funky. I'm excited to read more in this world and from this author!

That's it for my month! I'd love to hear from you, so please let me know what you're reading, too, if you'd like, or disagree with me and we can discuss these books :)

[roryosullyauthor]

“Why would I pretend? Every day I get yourself and Kian confused. Must be the uncanny resemblance between the pair of you,” Rory deadpanned, taking another drag of his cigarette. 

It was clear that he’d offended Bonnie in some way, probably because he wasn’t as mad about hugging as she was. And if her jibe about Kian was anything to go by, she seemed to be drawing up comparisons between the way he acted around the other Irishman. He didn’t think it was fair to play it like that though. To Rory, it made sense that he was a wee bit more tactile with Kian. That was just a given seeing as the other man had literally been inside him.

Evidently, Bonnie had taken offense to it though. Enough to absolutely annihilate her mangled attempt at his accent. Immediately, his expression tilted from confused to downright appalled and he momentarily debated stubbing the cigarette out on his forehead.

“Quick question,” he said slowly. “What the flamin’ feck was that?”

He stood there as Bonnie busied herself with grabbing a spare chair, earning herself an indignant squawk from the two old biddies sitting at another table. Rory raised an eyebrow as they muttered under their breath about Bonnie, their eyes eventually sliding towards him. He threw his arms out to the side in an exaggerated shrug as if to say what gives? Which did everything to offend them if the immediate tutting response they gave was anything to go by.  Those two, with their tightly permed hair and poorly rouged cheeks wouldn’t look all too out of place at home, sitting at the bingo in the bowling club and judging everyone around them. Sometimes, New York wasn’t always that different from Ireland. 

He heaved a sigh when Bonnie gestured to the empty chair, but didn’t argue with her. He sat as obediently as someone with Rory’s attitude could, lounging in the uncomfortable metal chair and picking up the flimsy cafe menu.

“What the fuck actually is matcha?” he asked. “Does anyone even know, like?”

Fair, Bonnie didn’t seem to care about his question. She was too wrapped up in her own apparent torment. Rory wrinkled his nose in a manner that he hoped might come across as sympathetic. He knew he was in danger of just looking condescending though. 

Truth be told, he wasn’t even sure how to respond to her plight. She was talking about things that he didn’t really have an answer for. He saw things in black-and-white, maybe too much, Missy had told him. She’d frowned after reading one of his books, Project Wildflower, and had peered at him over the top of it, eyes brimming with tears.

“What?” he’d asked her, an uncomfortable prickling sensation crawling up the back of his neck. He was proud of that book, thought of it as his magnum opus while the rest of the world - or at least those who bought books in accordance with what the New York Times recommended - fawned over Oracle. He didn’t think it was bad enough to have made Missy cry.

“How can someone as… unavailable as you write something like this?” Missy had asked him in disbelief. He didn’t understand. He wasn’t dumb and had told her so. Physics had been his strongest subject in school, followed by chemistry. He’d done all the necessary calculations needed for Wildflower to be scientifically sound so he was admittedly a wee bit peeved at Missy’s question. He explained all of that to her and was dumbfounded when she burst out laughing and shook her head.

“No, you idiot,” she’d said. “A lot of the science went over my head, actually. I skipped some parts. I mean how did you manage to write something that made me cry? It was beautiful.”

Somehow, that had been offensive to him as well. He didn’t understand what was so fecking beautiful about his book. He’d just written about what he knew: science, and then set it in space. His protagonist, a high school teacher-cum-astronaut had been launched on a mission to save the Earth, only to get stranded in deep space where his only ally was an alien of Rory’s own creation. Rex, he’d called him, and Missy had sobbed over him, claiming that the astronaut and Rex’s friendship had been the most human thing Rory had ever produced. Which was ridiculous, claimed Rory. One half of that friendship was an alien, and he’d modelled Rex off his own childhood dog. Missy had just sighed and tapped the book off the top of his head, muttering something unintelligible under her breath.

In short, Rory knew facts and equations. He didn’t really know much about… people. Which is why he didn’t know what to say to help Bonnie.

“Wait - you think I’m emotionally stunted?” he asked, not thinking too much about what it looked like for that to be his main takeaway from her rant.

Taking another drag of his cigarette, he shrugged helplessly.

“What’s the big deal about being in a relationship anyway? Are you not happy by yourself or anything?”

As much as she’d been angling for a little discomfort on Rory’s end, the subsequent frustration he was showcasing at being wrapped in a bearhug did nothing to lift her spirits. In fact, it kind of just worked to annoy her a little more. Not that Bonnie was the jealous type – on a good day she couldn’t be sure that Rory even liked her or if he was simply just tolerating her – but she couldn’t help but recall the seventeen million times she’d watched Rory cosy up next to Kian without second thought, the two attached at the hip, oftentimes with Missy wrapped around the pair of them, too.  

She supposed it was less about the Rory of it all, and more about her own insecurities, but it did nothing to quell the voices in her head telling her she was annoying, unattractive, and simply not good enough for anyone. 

“Oh my God, can’t you just, like... close your eyes and pretend I’m Kian for five minutes?” Bonnie groaned, pulling back and throwing her hands up, palms out in surrender – a solid gesture to show him she was now hardly within arm’s reach of him and that he was in no real danger of being hugged again. 

Bonnie didn’t sulk, not really. Rory and Maggie would likely be the first to protest that statement and call her a liar, but she was pretty sure they were wrong. She was as happy-go-lucky as she could possibly manage, usually pretty easy going, and generally had an aversion to any sort of drama. The only drama she’d found herself even remotely embroiled in of late was watching the absolute shitshow that was Kian and Ezra’s situationship, and even that had shit all to do with her besides listening to Rory wax lyrical about what a pair of eejits they were. 

All of that to say, she rarely ever dragged Rory into her business, so she didn't see why he couldn’t muster up a measly little smile or a few words of encouragement for more than thirty seconds. 

Lower lip jutting out in frustration, Bonnie folded her arms across her chest and cleared her throat, scanning her mind for vague memories of the other Irishman in her life. 

“Aye, laddy! Blokes are so shite, wouldn’t ye say? Ack, sure, I canny see why they don’t like me?” Bonnie exclaimed, opting for what she thought was a pretty convincing Irish accent but sounded more like the ultimate bastardisation of the Scottish dialect instead. Sufficed to say, accents weren’t really her strong suit. 

With a long sigh, she glanced back at the table of old biddies that were still shooting glares her way, scowled in their direction, and leaned across to nab the spare chair from their table. Rolling her eyes and ignoring their cries of disapproval, she plonked it down in front of herself and gestured for Rory to take the other seat at the coffee table they’d found themselves situated beside. 

Then, as dramatically as she could, she rested her arms on the table and dropped her head down into them with a loud, frustrated groan. 

“Men suck and I’m ugly and you’re emotionally stunted and even those stupid old ladies behind us think I should be euthanized,” Bonnie whined, her complaints muffled against her arm. 

[saltwater-and-woodsmoke]

Twenty Six Letters || JJ Maybank

Warnings and authors note: This is sad, like so sad, my friends say it rips their hearts out. I’m sorry. Title credit to black butterflies and deja vu by the maine (the lyric is “there’s only twenty six letters I can use just to tell you I won’t let go”)

This specific story is an alternate ending to another fic I wrote, but I haven’t got that one transferred here yet, I am in the process of moving all of my works to this blog from my main.

Word Count: 2,350

July 17

Y/N,

The doctors came out and told me they tried everything, but they couldn’t save you. They’re transferring Charlie to the mainland where they have a NICU, they’re life lining her. The amount of police that had to hold me back from hurting that doctor, I’m embarrassed. This was supposed to be our dream, our family. I needed to write my thoughts down, I know you can’t read this, it’s ridiculous. I can’t lose both of you. I love you so much.

JJ

July 19

Y/N,

Charlie weighs a whopping 1 pound, 2 ounces. She’s the tiniest thing I have ever laid eyes on. I’m staying on the mainland until she gets to come home, thanks to the community, really. Sarah started a fundraiser for Charlie’s medical care, your funeral, and the community really showed their support. No word on who did this to you, but I will find out. Charlotte Rose Maybank is a fighter, just like her mother. I love you.

JJ

July 21

Y/N, 

Today we laid you to rest. Even though your parents didn’t like me that well, they both put that aside today. John B and Pope had to practically hold me up at the cemetery. We were supposed to grow old and gray together, but today I had to put you six feet under at twenty three. It hit me that I am a widower at twenty-five. I am a single father of a four day old “micro preemie”. I’m at the hospital now. I’m not supposed to be in the NICU this late, but the night nurse knows what happened and can understand my need to be close to the last thing I have of you. I love you more than you will ever know,

JJ

PS: I did as you wished and made JB and Sarah her godparents. They’re coming tomorrow to see her for the first time.

July 25

Y/N,

I spent the night in jail last night. You see, they finally figured out who the pick up belonged to. I hadn’t seen him since we got married two years ago, but I was so pissed off when I went into the jail to talk to Shoupe. I asked him for five minutes with him, which was granted. I was yelling, and I’m not embarrassed about that actually. I told him I was going to make sure he went away for a very long time. That he killed the love of my life, that because of him his fucking granddaughter is fighting for her life right now all because he felt like it was okay to drive drunk. That motherfucker showed no remorse whatsoever. He fucking smirked at me Y/N, so I punched him. Square in the jaw. Of course, I was promptly booked for it, but I was told this morning that they weren’t going to actually press charges because in Shoupe’s eyes he deserved it. They put it on the books as a purely cooling down period. I came back to the hospital, and Charlie is stable. They said if she keeps improving like she is, I might get to hold her for the first time soon. I’m trying to be strong for her, for you, but I miss you so much. You should still be here, she should still be safe and growing inside you. But it wasn’t meant to be. I love you more than the moon and stars,

JJ

August 9

Y/N,

So I haven’t written in a while and that’s because we have a pretty rocking kid, you know? I got to hold her for the first time last week. It was an emotional affair, I was sobbing the moment they placed her on my chest. She’s still so tiny, but she’s gaining weight and is starting to look more like an actual human instead of an alien. I made sure the nurse took a picture when I held her because I want to remember how small she was the first time I held her, even with all the wires and tubes.  I may be writing less frequently but I’m gonna keep writing. It makes me feel better. Like, I’m still close to you with this notebook. I love you, I love you, I love you. 

JJ

September 17

Y/N,

Happy two months Lottie Rose. I know we were going to call her Charlie, but the new night nurse started calling her Lottie, and I’ve kind of fallen in love with it. It just fits her. She’s almost three pounds now! I’m so proud of her. It’s wild to me that she would be due in almost six weeks. The doctor expects her to be home by her due date, and I promptly will be taking her to your grave. She’s always going to know how much you loved her, Y/N. I made sure your mom put “Mother of Charlotte” on your headstone. When she’s older I’m gonna take her to our favorite spots. I want her to know who you were, because I know that the person you were, is why she’s here. I love you more than I can count.

JJ

October 31st

Y/N,

Happy Due Date Lottie Rose Maybank! We’re going home today, Y/N. Lottie weighs a whopping 6 pounds now. I’m so proud of her. She is tiny, but she’s gonna catch up fast. She passed her car seat test with flying colors. She can eat from a bottle, but the nurse noticed that she wasn’t as responsive to sound as most of the other babies when they’re ready to go home. She suggested she might just be desensitized to the noise of the hospital, but they wanted to recheck her hearing before we leave, so I am writing this while I wait for them to finish that. I just signed all of her release paperwork. Last night, I was contacted by the local news to do an interview about how Lottie is, and how everything has affected me. I think I should do it, John B and Sarah said they would watch Lottie while I go to the station. 

Okay so they brought Lottie back, she didn’t pass her hearing test so we have to set up an appointment for a hearing specialist. Honestly,  if she needs hearing aids it isn’t the biggest deal in the world. I’m not going to love her any less. She’s our kid, she can handle anything that's thrown in her way. I love you bunches,

JJ

December 24

Y/N,

This single dad thing is hard. Tomorrow is Lottie’s first Christmas, and we are going to church with your parents. I know you always liked to go on Christmas and Easter at least, so I thought that could be one tradition I kept with Lottie. I’m also keeping the tradition of buying a personalized ornament every year for the Christmas tree. It’s wild to think that at this time last year, we had just agreed to try for a baby, and this year everything is different. You’re not here, we have a five month old daughter who is the size of a three month old.  I’ve got to tell you, losing your wife brings things into perspective. I want Lottie to have a set of grandparents that love her unconditionally. I’ve spent a lot of time with your mom and sister the last month or so, and I know your mom will love her no matter what. No matter how we get along, Lottie comes first. She’s our priority. Merry Christmas, Baby, I love you. 

JJ

July 17

Y/N,

One year. You have been gone one long year. This time one year ago, I was working on Pope’s dad’s truck. It seemed like every single siren in the town went out, and I remember thinking “That must be a bad accident.” If only I knew then. If only I knew that in an hour, you would be gone, that I’d be standing in the waiting room of the hospital while they worked on you until they couldn’t anymore. I remember the anger, Shoupe and another officer holding me back before I just buckled in my own grief. I remember your mom and dad coming, having rushed over from the mainland. Your mom knew, as soon she walked in the waiting room where I was a mess on the floor, JB on one side of me, Pope on the other, she knew.  We sobbed together, we became numb together. I vaguely remember telling her they were lifelining Lottie to Raleigh. I remember her looking at me and telling me, “John James, you listen to me. You get to Raleigh, your daughter needs you. Do you hear me? She needs you.” It was the only time in my life I didn’t mind hearing my full name. I didn’t get to see her until she was already two days old. Today we have a happy, healthy, one year old. She’s catching up with kids her age, which kind of shocks the doctors. She’s growing on track, she’s hitting milestones. She just started crawling, but she can already get wherever her little heart desires. I’ve made a conscious effort to not be sad in front of her today. We are having a big party for her, she’s going to love it. I miss you, sweetheart. I love you

JJ

August 10

Y/N

Time flies, you know? It seems like yesterday I was bringing Lottie home from the hospital. Where has five years gone? Today, I dropped her off for her first day of kindergarten. We had a long conversation about how if anyone was mean about her hearing aids, to tell her teacher and how it wasn’t a bad thing to ask for help. I want her to have a better school experience than I had, I want her to like school. That didn’t stop me from sobbing like a baby the whole way to work. Of course, my boss knew I’d been crying and just patted my shoulder and told me “if you think this is the only first day that you’ll cry, I have news for you.” I told him Lottie is an only child, I’m probably going to cry at every first day of school. It’s strange to think that if you were still here we’d probably have another little Maybank running around. It’s okay though, your sister had twins two years ago and JB and Sarah are having their first soon, so she’s got cousins to play with. I love you sweetheart.

JJ

July 17

Y/N.

Uh, we have a teenager? Like a full ass practically fully grown human in our house. Thirteen years and it still feels like yesterday. We got the news yesterday that Luke Maybank died in jail over the weekend. Y/N, I have to tell you, our daughter cracks me up. I told her that her grandfather passed away, and she told me she hopes you take a trip down to hell and kick the shit out of him. I told her that I beat the shit out of him thirteen years ago when she was barely a week old. She found the news articles about the accident, and asked me to talk to her about it. I did, but it was hard. I’ve never shut up about you so she knew who you were. She also asked me why I never remarried. It’s simple, really. Half my heart was buried with you 13 years ago, and the other half divided to recover and love our daughter just as fiercely as we loved each other. I love you honey. 

JJ

May 31

Y/N,

Okay, we’re old. It’s fine. Charlotte Rose Maybank, you know our pretty rockin’ kid? Yeah, she graduated high school today, as valedictorian. She’ll be 18 in July, Y/N, and then in August she’s going to the mainland for college. She wants to be a doctor. Watching her walk across that stage, in her cap and gown, I was sobbing. I was an absolute mess. JB had to take pictures for me because I couldn’t stop shaking. You’d be so proud of her. I know I sure am. I love you more than I can breathe,

JJ

October 25

Y/N,

Our baby girl got married today. Of course, I could go my entire life without knowing that JB and I are going share grandkids someday, but really Alexander is a great kid, and he loves Lottie. I know that someday, she’s going to find all these notebooks and read them and I hope she laughs that I shared every milestone with you like you could read these. She’s got one more semester of school left, then she will officially be Charlotte Rose Maybank-Routledge, MD. I personally think the hyphenating of her last name is really complicated, but that’s what she wants. She looks absolutely stunning in her dress, I hope you can see her. I love you, gorgeous,

JJ

November 13

Y/N, 

We became grandparents today. It’s wild to think that 27 years ago, I was holding our daughter in the same hospital where Carter Jonathan Maybank-Routledge arrived early this morning. The Maybank genes are still strong in this one, Carter looks so much like Lottie it’s not funny. I told JB maybe the next one will look like his side, ha. Okay sweetheart, I love you. JJ

March 6

Mom,

I had absolutely no idea that Dad wrote you a letter every week, sometimes every day, for 36 years. He fought the cancer for a very long time, Mom, because he simply didn’t want to leave me and the boys.  I found the notebooks, I’ve spent the last week reading them. He loved you so much, he loved me so much. He wrote to you up until the last day. That’s beautiful. I know you are back together now. You’ve got 36 years to catch up on. Tell him we’ll be fine. 

I love you both,

Lottie.

[diamondwaters]

❝ love is a choice ❞ chapter v

summary: what was meant to be a simple, calm trip to an intergalactic museum ended up becoming a a trip through memories the doctor rather wanted to forget. only they weren't her memories. they were yours.

pairing: thirteenth doctor x reader (primary), eleventh doctor x reader

word count: 5.2k

warnings: slight mention of headaches, anger, murder mentioned

author's note: when i tell you this is the chapter i've been DYING to write!!

divider from annaliseart on pixabay

You’d been traveling with the Doctor for a bit of time. While most of your adventures were completed sans slipper-throwing, it didn’t mean that time had made your relationship with the Doctor any better. Snide comments were tossed back and forth like a tennis match, with Amy being the one to catch the ball midair before one of you caused bleeding, internal or external. Rory, who also had joined the fray, hadn’t the courage to get between you and anything, let alone an alien. Even a fish-fingers-and-custard-eating one.

Nearly all the journeys he took the three of you on consisted of two things: running and near-death experiences. The very first one included vampire aliens! Then there was the time you ended up in a dream where you worked as a school teacher and Amy was married and pregnant. You nearly froze to death during that one. Sort of. That was a dream too. So, these harrowing exploits made the calm ones all the more welcome.

The Doctor had taken you to the Amalthea Bookseller, a book store whose walls contained several million books from almost every planet, in every language, and from any point in time. There had to have been about fifty seating areas in the front room alone; you could only imagine how many there were in the other corridors. Apparently, there was a planet with an even larger selection, but the Doctor chose against that one for “reasons.”

The moment you were set loose there, you couldn’t stop smiling. You quickly hunted for your favorite genres, finding a massive selection more extensive than the Waterstones in Piccadilly!

You were only allowed so many books- “The TARDIS is not a bank, you know!” is what the Doctor had proclaimed- so you had to choose wisely. It was hard enough as it was with the entire genre selection, but when your eye spotted the last name of your favorite author, you thought you might burst into confetti on the spot.

You gathered as many of their books as could fit into the complimentary reusable basket the staff gave you upon entry and hurried over to one of the seating areas. If you were going to whittle down which books you could get, you would need time and space. Ironically.

“Well, look at you,” Amy grinned, taking the chair beside you. “In your element, aren’t you?”

“Oh, Amy, this place is amazing!” You half-squealed. “Did you know that my favorite author kept writing well into their seventies? I mean, they’ve got at least twenty novels here! I barely even know where to continue! I already knocked out five, but how can I choose?”

“Well, I’m glad you’re having such a good time,” Amy replied. Her voice had a slant to it that you knew all too well. It meant there was more she had to say and that you weren’t going to like it. Before you could make your escape, Amy said, “You know. The Doctor loves reading too.” 

“Okay, Amy-” 

Also during your adventures, Amy had become quite bothered with the constant bickering between you and the Doctor. As mentioned before, whenever these spats broke out, more often than not, she was the one who had to grab you both by the back of your necks like a mother cat picking up her kittens by their scruffs. 

In her quest to reduce the frequency of these verbal- for now- quarrels, she attempted to find a common ground between you two. Neither of you were very enthusiastic about this. Anytime she thought she might’ve found something, one of you inevitably detested it. There was the time you mentioned how much you adored a song by this one 70’s singer. The Doctor had apparently seen her in concert, a fact Amy was ready to milk until dry. The Doctor, however, felt compelled to inform you that he’d rather fight a hundred Daleks- whatever those were- than listen to her ever again. Apparently, they had a bit of a dispute during the 1975 Grammy Awards and she’d threatened to have a hitman come after him. 

“I just listened to that man rant about how he inspired The Haunting of Hill House for the past thirty minutes! And-And he told me all about his good friend, Jane Austen! He likes literature, you like literature! Talk about it together."

“So, what I’m hearing is that I can no longer read. Well, that’s just wonderful news.” 

“You know I love you, really, I do,” Amy said softly. “And I wouldn’t want you to change a single thing about you because you are perfect in every single way imaginable. But please. I am begging you. Just please try to get along with the Doctor.” 

“Me?” You gaped. “Why do I have to be the one that gets along with him? In case you forgot, he’s usually the one that starts it! Remember how he implied I was one of those fish people? That was a low blow.”

“Okay, that’s a fair point. But! Think about how much better our adventures will be! You can just have fun! You won’t have to worry about stress. You know, when we don’t find ourselves in… already stressful situations, anyway! Just, think of it like… a wedding gift! For me!” 

“Oh,” You rolled your eyes. “Was planning it not enough?” 

You knew how much this was upsetting her. There had already been some issues between the Doctor and Rory which had mostly been rectified. It was just you now. Both yourself and the Doctor were two people who Amy cared about. Not only did your inability to get along frustrate her, but it also saddened her. Here you all were: her, her boys, and her best friend on these amazing trips across the stars! And half of the people apart of that group were at each other’s throats on a constant basis. 

That disappointment reflected in her eyes. You were never good when facing that look, and that didn’t change in the span of however long this conversation had lasted. "Please." 

“Fine,” You grumbled. “But the moment he says something out of line, I refuse to be held accountable for my actions, got it?” 

Amy nodded, probably not even caring that you were insinuating physical fighting this time around. She took hold of your wrist and pulled you from the comfort of your chair. Through the twisted hallways of shelves upon shelves of books of all varieties, Amy weaved through them until you landed in the poetry section. You didn’t take the Doctor for a poet, yet there he stood. 

“Doctor!” 

“Ah- Oh.” The Doctor gleamed before he spotted you. 

You looked at Amy with bored eyes, “I’m leaving.” 

“Nope, no,” She tugged you to her side. You were reminded of a mother forcing a child to speak to their relatives over the phone. Except you hadn’t the luxury of it being a conversation that wasn’t face-to-face. “Doctor, did you know how big a fan Y/N here is of reading too? They quite enjoy a good novel, don’t you?” 

Amy jabbed your side with her elbow when you didn't say anything. The force of the motion alone startled a series of words out of your throat, “Yes! Y-Yes, I do. All types! I like to annotate too. Something I picked up in a literature class I took a while ago. My professor says it makes it more engaging.”

He scoffed, “Engaging.”

Whenever the Doctor made these remarks, like he couldn’t possibly fathom the notion that what you said was true, you were more inclined to absolutely throttle him. You could grant him that he was far older than you; thus, he knew about more things than you ever could. What you couldn’t was the belief that just because he was more knowledgeable did not mean that he was always correct.

The Doctor didn’t know everything. He’d made that clear when you were trapped in that dream and were hurtling towards a sun that was burning cold. It was so easy for him to admit that while under stress, but with you, it was like he was some omnipotent deity worthy and demanding of praise. That last bit was how he was with everyone, really, but he just ramped it up to 1,000 whenever you were involved.

This would get under anyone’s skin, and it wasn’t just you! Sometimes you and Rory would have rant sessions beneath the TARDIS’s console when Amy and the Doctor weren’t nearby. You swore that the electric chirping you would occasionally hear was the TARDIS adding to your conversation. You didn’t quite know if she agreed or not, but she seemed invested in what you had to say. Also, you had found out the TARDIS was sentient, which was… something. Cool, but definitely something.

“Is there something wrong with the way I read?”

You placed your hands on your hips, finally turning your body to face the man. You raised your brow and took on a face that you hoped emulated the one you bore the night you joined him. You were quite proud of yourself for making an alien give into your commands, hence why you tried to recreate the winning stare whenever you wanted to intimidate him again.

“Of course not,” The Doctor waved his hand, unaffected by your glare. “It’s just odd.”

“Odd? You’re a bow-tie-wearing alien who carries around a screwdriver that isn’t actually a screwdriver and flies around in a magic box. But, yes, I’m the one that’s odd.”

“I’m starting to feel like you three are always using the bow tie against me. And no, of course you’re not odd,” The Doctor patted your shoulder before resting it there. You stared at it with a blank face until he eventually got the hint and slid it off. “It’s just your reading habits!”

The Doctor says these things so casually that you often feel like you get whiplash. Sometimes it would take you a few seconds to acclimate to the fact that you were just insulted. When you realized, you’d blink away your initial confusion and move on, like now.

“And what’s so odd about them, huh?”

“Well, you could get through books twice as fast if you just read it.”

“Well, where’s the point of attempting to just get through a book? You’re supposed to read it! Really read it!”

“Well, you can still really read it without having to mark all the pages up! It takes up a lot of time just to open a pen cap, and by then you could’ve read ten words!”

“Well-!”

“Okay!” Amy shouted over another formation of a fight. “I have an idea.”

If there was one thing in the universe that you and the Doctor could agree on, Amy with an idea, especially one that concerned the two of you, was a terrifying thing. The mischievous glint in her eyes screamed at you to run like you would when faced with horrifying creatures during your endeavors. However, both of you were stuck in your spot, pinned beneath her plotting gaze.

“Y/N, pick a book for your basket, any of them.”

One of the few you hadn't put away that stuck out to you the most was a murder mystery in a small town. It wasn’t too big, but it was just long enough that you knew you could spend a contented day reading it. “This one.”

Amy took it from your hands before shoving it into the Doctor’s. “Perfect! Now go pay for this.”

"Me?"

“Yes, you!” Amy stated. “You both need to make this friendship work! And the best way to do that is for both of you to contribute to something. Y/N picks the book and you pay for it.”

“That doesn’t seem like a fair exchange at all!” No, but it was definitely Amy’s way of making this an even exchange between you two. You appreciated that.

Amy sent him a look that shut him right up. “Here’s how this is going to go.”

Amy told you what you’d be doing—not asking, telling. You and the Doctor would read the same book, and you’d both write in it. Your thoughts, your theories, your general reactions. You would write in a red pen, and he would write in a blue so that when you were both done, you’d be able to distinguish who wrote what easily. Then, you’d talk about what you read after.

"Like a book club?"

"Exactly."

At first, you were averse to the idea solely because it involved bonding with the Doctor. However, the more you thought about it, the more you realized it was actually quite brilliant. You and the Doctor would interact without ever having to talk to one another. You both could avoid throwing yourselves into another inevitable battle that would only end when Amy reached her wit’s end. You might even get a bit of insight about him.

One thing you noticed about the Doctor the longer you traveled with him was how he guarded himself. You knew what that was like, but the walls around him were different than any you had ever seen. They were secure, fortified, yet they were ancient. Even if you weren’t aware of his ripe age of 907, you knew you'd realize their lifespan was longer than that of the stars themselves. But just like stars, they all eventually burn out.

Amy had already tried asking him about the things that he was hiding away following the Dream Lord events. He’d deflected then, and you liked to think that he would deflect again. You couldn’t do it outright, which is why this book swap was perfect. There was nothing more honest than what someone takes away from literature. The quotes they underline or the paragraphs they highlight say more about a person than one thinks. And, no, the book you chose wasn’t some deep, philosophical epic that would grant you entrance into the inner machinations of the Doctor’s mind, but it was a start.

Also, it was a free book.

Even though the Doctor was an annoying asshole, you couldn’t deny your curiosity. He was an alien from a faraway planet who offered three- technically two since you forced your way onto the TARDIS- humans the chance to explore worlds never before seen by your species. You were taught not to look a gift horse in the mouth, but you had to wonder why.

“Okay,” You agreed. “I’ll do it.”

“So, will I, but! Under one condition! I call reading it first! I’ll get it done quickly, I can assure you,” The Doctor exclaimed. “You humans are exceptionally slow when it comes to reading. Even without the unnecessary writing.”

At that, the Doctor turned and sauntered towards the bookseller. Because his back was turned, he hadn’t seen you with your hands reaching towards him, ready to attack, and Amy with her arms around your middle to keep you from doing that.

True to his word, though, the Doctor had given you the book in only a day’s time. He told you that he would’ve had it sooner had it not been for all the unfortunate writing he had to do. He also complained about the aching of his poor wrists and that if his piloting skills dwindled, it was entirely your fault. You thought about throwing the book at him for that one, and you knew what impressive aim you had. He was lucky you were in a generous mood.

You wandered the halls, hoping to find a nice spot where no one would bother you. As you turned a corner, a light above a door flickered invitingly. The door opened to reveal a small, but not suffocating, room with a warm feel to it. Some plants released a calm, earthy scent while sitting on many of the table surfaces about the room. The walls were made of dark cherry wood and were covered with paintings and photographs of different, beautiful landscapes that were most likely distant planets. A lit fireplace was set on the back wall, and just in front of that was a cream-colored antique couch with a soft-looking blanket thrown across the back.

You gingerly touched the side of the door, smiling softly. You whispered, “Thank you. It’s perfect.”

You placed the throw blanket around your shoulders and got cozy on the couch in front of the fire. You flipped to the title page with your red pen in hand and began reading.

Not even a page in, and your eye was already twitching.

Blue ink took up most of the margins. When you flipped through the rest of the book, many of the other pages got the same treatment. You fought off the temptation to get up and berate the Doctor for leaving you little to no space to write your own opinions. You told yourself that you could make this work. If not for Amy’s sake but for curiosity’s, you could find a way to remedy this.

When you made it about two chapters in, the Doctor had already claimed he knew exactly who the killer was. The moment the main character’s love interest’s dad was introduced, he wrote, “It’s definitely this bloke, I’m positive of that.” You, who hadn’t any clue who the killer was, were very frustrated by his insistence that it was him. You really hoped it wasn’t him so that you could laugh about it later.

At first, you wanted to block out what the Doctor wrote so you could focus on what you wanted to write, but that went against the entire point of this activity. He actually had some funny commentary regarding the heroine and the odd choices she made. There were a few notes about how “curious it was that humans made some of the most stupid decisions in the face of danger.” To that, you wrote a clever remark about his own choices during dangerous situations beneath his comment.

You eventually did manage to make do. With what little room you had, you could jot down your thoughts. You underlined your favorite bits and noted all the hidden details regarding the culprit. The Doctor had beaten you to that, but you still felt smart for finding them too.

You were taken by surprise by the mysterious lack of ink on one page. There had been one marking: a quote from a side character. It had been during a confrontation with the main character who, at this point, everyone in town had discovered was somehow connected to the recent string of murders. While talking to a victim's sibling, she attempted to make the case that it wasn't her fault; she simply wanted to find out what happened to her aunt who died several years prior. The victim's sister said:

"My brother is dead because you wouldn't stop looking into your aunt's death. That's on you. Because, Elena, a t what point do these things stop becoming things that happen to you and things that you do to yourself?"

You read the quote a few times over. You hadn't really known what to expect in letting your eyes roam about it. The meaning wouldn't change just because you looked at it a few more times.

Is this how the Doctor felt? Did he feel as though all the misfortunes he endured were by his own hand? When you thought about it, it didn’t seem totally unimaginable. The adventures you all went on were laden with risk, and there were times where things appeared so dire that things might not turn out alright in the end like he promised. If things did go wrong, he would blame himself. He wasn’t the type of person to turn and point a finger when he was the one who pushed the TARDIS’s buttons. 

But there was something about the Doctor that you knew to be true: he never stopped until he made things right. You’d only been on a handful of adventures, but the Doctor was nothing if not persistent. He didn’t give up, and it was clear that he hadn’t for 907 years. Giving up now would be a waste. He would never stop trying to make things right in the end. And if he did, that’s when he could say it was something he did to himself. 

With more than enough space this time, beneath the underlined quote, you wrote, “When you stop trying to fix it.” 

You watched as the ink dried on the page so you could turn to the next. 

“... replaceable…”

You whipped your head around with a force that gave you a slight headache and were met with nothing. Your eyes flitted about the room, attempting to find the source of whatever just made that noise. You didn’t know exactly what you heard, but you were sure you had heard something . It didn’t have any direction; it was just there. And then it wasn’t. 

You were able to get back into reading after a while, pushing that bizarre event to the back of your mind as best you could. You figured it was just your brain playing tricks on you since you were reading a murder mystery. The TARDIS was safe, and so were you. 

As you neared the end of the book, the killer was unmasked. As per the Doctor’s prediction, it was, in fact, the boyfriend’s father. The Doctor wanted to let you know he had anticipated this outcome by underlining the reveal three separate times and had written, “I TOLD YOU!” in bold letters. 

The main character was close to finding out the killer’s motive, something that had been plaguing you for the last couple chapters. And, just as she was about to say what the murderer had told her, you saw it. Or, rather, you didn’t see it. 

The last page of the book was gone. It wasn’t a misprint, you were sure of that. You looked at the book’s seam to find jagged edges where the page would have been. It looked as if it had been cleanly ripped from its binding.  And, with the Doctor, things weren’t “as if,” they just were, which meant that the bastard had torn out the very last page of the book you were supposed to share! 

You were so close! Just as you felt like you were starting to understand him, he had gone and done this. It almost felt like a joke. There you were, thinking you might be able to connect to him on some level, only to remember just who you were dealing with. Perhaps you should've predicted the Doctor's unpredictability, even with a task as simple as writing your thoughts in a book. It might have made you feel less... was betrayed the right word? Or maybe just defining how you felt as angry was the better option. 

“You son of a bitch,” You practically growled. You tossed off the blanket, letting it fall to the floor. “You son of a bitch!” 

Your feet pounded against the metal floors of the TARDIS as you made your way to the console room. There, the Doctor was fixing some wires on the pillar, his eyes covered with his work goggles. He didn’t notice you enter until you hissed, “Where is it?” while brandishing the book. 

“Ah! Finished the story, I see!” The Doctor remarked.  

“No, I didn’t, actually,” You informed with a dangerous tilt of your head towards the book. “Because someone decided to tear out the last page!”

The Doctor’s face shifted to that of comic, not genuine, guilt. He bared his teeth while the corners of his lips turned downward, eyes probably containing some semblance of shame still hidden behind his goggles. 

“Oh, right,” The Doctor nervously chuckled. “See, forgot to mention! I always throw out the last page of any book I read.” 

This man was going to have to pay for your ophthalmologist bill from all the twitching he was causing to your eye. “W-Why?” 

“Because I don’t like endings.” He said plainly, then returned to his work on the TARDIS. 

Once again, you were in a total state of shock. Your mouth bobbed open a few times in disbelief. You couldn’t find the right words to convey what you wanted to say adequately. When you were able, you asked, “Did you not think that I would want to read the ending maybe? Elena was just about to say why Simon's dad killed her aunt all those years ago!” 

“Didn’t you see I knew it was him?” He smirked, very pleased with himself. 

Your fingers curled into fists. You knew you couldn’t do anything, so you firmly planted your feet in their spot. “So not only did you leave me pretty much no space to even write in the book and spoil who the killer was twenty pages in, but you also decided to rip out the very last one? You realize that this completely goes against the purpose of this whole thing, right? How the hell are we even supposed to talk about the book together if part of the book is missing?” 

The Doctor took off his goggles. He finally understood that this was more than one of your simple bickering matches. He might not have got it to the full extent, but he got there eventually. 

“I’m sorry,” He apologized. “Truly. I hadn't realized at the time, didn't consider it.” 

At his emotion-filled apology, you felt some of your own begin to wane. You realized that this reaction was over the top, even for a response to the Doctor’s antics. You let out a soul-shaking grunt before collapsing in the chair stationed by the console. You balanced your elbows on your knees, the book falling to your lap. Your hands pressed against your face before raking over your hair. A frustrated, beaten sigh left your body, taking any excess energy you had with it upon your exhale.  “I’m sorry too." 

You felt awful that this had gone wrong despite knowing that it wasn’t entirely your fault. Sure, he had done it, but you reacted. Reactions could be just as harmful when taken to an extreme as yours just had. And for what? Because of a little book? You should have been better than that. You just felt so disappointed. Disappointed because you expected more and got your hopes up  while not being able to live up to someone else's. 

Amy was so excited that the two of you had agreed. She hadn’t outright said so, but you knew your best friend well enough to recognize the giddy elation that remained beneath an expression of indifference. You both finally made a step towards resolving your differences, and you blew it. What would you even tell her? 

"We’re really bad at this whole ‘getting along thing,’ aren’t we?” You laughed with no humor in your voice, more to yourself than him. 

“I don’t think so,” The Doctor’s voice broke through your pity party. It was unnaturally soft. He walked over to your defeated form, leaning against the console so he stood across from you. “We’ve learned something about one another, which is good! You learned that I don’t like endings and I learned that you do! I say it’s a start.” 

You gently rubbed your hands across your arms. In your mind, you debated if you wanted to tell him that this statement was incorrect. If you did, you’d have to be open, and open is far more intimidating than closed. The Doctor might have been many things, irritating included, but judgmental wasn’t one of them. You knew he would take your vulnerability with no conviction. 

This was a step in the right direction, you knew that. “Who said I like them? I don't.” 

The Doctor stopped his tinkering on the console to stare at you. You could tell he hadn’t expected such a soft supply. Maybe he thought you would dispute it, but not at such a volume. It caught him by surprise if his slightly parted mouth said anything. He spoke, “Yeah?” 

“Yeah,” You nodded. “I mean, they’re endings. It means things have to end, obviously , and who really likes that? But they…They’re…” 

The Doctor remained quiet. He was silently urging you to continue on. It was foreign to you, him deciding not to speak so that you could, but it wasn’t unwelcome. 

“They mean new beginnings,” You continued. “Can you really have a new one without an ending? Like, you go to college, you spend four years there and work your ass off, and then it’s over. But then you start to work, and you’ve got a whole new beginning right there. Or! You drop out and you begin to work towards something else you're passionate about that they can’t give you there! You do what you really want. Sometimes… sometimes you have to have endings in order for a new beginning. 

“And I know that sometimes the beginnings aren’t kind, and I guess that’s where the scary part comes in. You’re never guaranteed anything. But let’s say you don’t end things and down the line you regret it. Can you really be okay knowing that because you avoided an ending, you missed out on the possibility of a beautiful beginning?”

You tried not to have regrets in your life, but you were human. There would always be things you wished you ended and things you were upset you hadn’t begun. There would always be moments that ended prematurely, leaving you with a hollowed-out feeling. You couldn’t change them, even with a time machine. What you could do was think about what it meant for the next beginning. Because wasn’t that life? A never-ending series of beginnings and endings? If you just avoided the endings, where would you be? How could you live like that? How could anyone?

“I guess what I’m trying to say is that endings are what you make of them.” 

The Doctor was quiet for a long time. You didn’t want to look at him. This was the first moment you were somewhat vulnerable in front of him. It was good. Vulnerability was good. Amy would be proud. She’d be happy. But it didn’t make it any less terrifying. 

“How about this?” The Doctor finally replied. “Next time we swap a book, how about you read it first? That way, you can read the ending.” 

You tilted your head to look at him. He wasn’t full out smiling, just a tiny, warm one. It wasn’t the usual expression he usually had when with you, and for some reason, you were okay with it. 

“Next time?” 

“If you’d like.” 

It wasn’t going to be an easy fix, especially because part of you quite liked messing with the Doctor. You were both flawed in your own ways, and both entirely too stubborn for your own goods.  However, you knew that Amy was right: you would better off if this kind of behavior were to continue. 

“Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good.” 

The Doctor once believed that it was better to just go through books. Flipping through their pages was easy enough, so why go through the trouble of  writing in them? It would just take more time. Those were her exact thoughts, and they were the ones she voiced to you that day.

But if one were to go into the Doctor’s room and open one of her many books, they would find the pages, save for the last, which was torn out, littered with annotations written in blue ink with a lot of extra space, as if something else was going to be written there.

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author's note: i love foreshadowing