#if I can't inflict this song on people than what even am I

[grassbreads]

listen to this song boy

[hum-suffer]

hi

if u were in an alternate universe, where u are dream self, what would u be?

if u were in another alternate universe, where u are ur worst self, how would u react?

if u were in another au, where, ur counterpart simply doesn't exist but all the people u know do, how do u think u would fit there?

if u were, again, in another au, where ur counterpart exists and the people u know don't, what would u do? come back or stay there?

if u were, again, in another au, where ur and ur loved ones' counterparts exist, but they don't know each other, would you change it?

As my dream self, i would be someone who's happy. I wouldn't be easy to anger, and I'd be quick to love and I'd be easy with my laughs and smiles. People would like to be near me, because I am approachable.

As my worst self, i suppose i would react by walking away. You can't change someone, not even yourself, completely. I would wish for that worst self to be better, but I wouldn't hold my breath. I would let her live her life and get her karm phal.

I don't think i would fit in a universe that i didn't belong in. I thrive on knowing, being aware. I love things when I know them completely. When I know which story is my father going to tell to motivate me, which colour is my grandmother's favourite, which sweet dish will my brother pick, which clothes will my grandfather wear, which bracelet would my guy wear, what earrings and rings will my best friend choose, which songs will my close friend play in the rain, how much salt my close friend likes to put in her food. I thrive on knowing and knowing is loving. If i can't love, I can't live.

The same thing. My counterpart could exist, i suppose, by finding other people and by inherently knowing how to survive alone. I wouldn't. I would come back to a dysfunctional home rather than an empty one.

And no, I probably won't change it. I think it'd bring my counterpart some peace as well as my loved one's counterparts some peace too. If they don't know eachother, they can't hurt eachother.

There's no rule that you don't hurt the people you love, you just have to make sure that the wounds you inflict can heal and disappear.

And this was such a great ask oh my god, I had to think on this and I've never had an ask like this. Bless you, seriously 😭😭🥹🥹🥹 I loved thisssssss thank youuu

[itsjustpolyester312]

family line is just such a sad song and it makes me so angry but also breaks me into a million little pieces, shatters my heart

firstly, growing up in that incredibly terrible, toxic environment is just so... everyday you come home and instantly your day just darkens. you have to watch every thing you do, every single word to say, stepping on eggshells around your fucking parent, who gave birth to you who's meant to love you unconditionally, and if you crack a single eggshell, if you let go of yourself for a single second, an eggshell won't be the only thing cracking :( you have to hide yourself, faking everything and lying constantly.

then you get out of there and its like breathing for the first time, because you've just been holding your breath for so long and you've forgotten how fucking good it feels to breathe (maybe it's your first time ever taking a breath).

and as you grow up you start to see how your childhood, how your trauma made you the person you are today. you're so good at lying it's so natural to you because you've been doing it all your life. you've been doing it since you were a little kid. instead of running around outside in the garden you were stressing about hiding the vase that you accidentally broke because you're scared that someone's going to punish you for it. instead of playing with the other kids, you were helping your mother bandage her forehead because the person who's meant to love her has hit her. and you have to be quiet about it. don't tell anyone. how'd I get that bruise? I fell down the stairs. (I didn't get pushed down i swear). this is why youre so good at lying.

and then you think god. why are so many of my traits and habits a result of my toxic childhood? am I just going to be defined by my trauma for the rest of my life? and you think what did I ever do to deserve this? but on the shit days, you think maybe I did deserve this. maybe everyone who ever loves me is going to leave because I am just a useless worthless piece of trash. and that makes you hate yourself. but deep down you know that's just the years of abuse talking. (you'd do anything to silence those voices)

but one of the worst bits is every single day, years, decades later after the abuse, you look in the mirror and all you can see is him looking back at you. you have to deal with the fact that you have the same genes as the monster who beat up a little kid and a wife whose only mistake was to love him. and youre constantly pressuring yourself to "break the cycle" but also trying to almost compensate for the harm he inflicted on the world even though its not your fault!! and every time you're angry you're just so scared that you're going to turn unto him and the thought just kills you.

every day you look in the mirror and you think why do i have his eyes. and every day you have to say to yourself you are not him. you are not him. you are better than he ever was. you are not a monster. you are not a fucking psychopath. you are not him. but there's always that voice telling you that maybe you are. maybe you'll turn out just like him. and you're so scared of yourself. you never let anyone in because you're so scared of hurting them or letting them see what a fucking mess you are. you're left all alone and you're thinking maybe it's better like this, maybe this is what i deserve. (it's not)

honestly though, I just don't get how people like that even exist. and i never will. when you have a child, you are promising them that you will be a good parent. you are promising that you will always support them in life. you are promising them that you will always encourage them to follow their dream. you are promising them that you will always be there for them, no matter what. you are promising them that you will love them unconditionally. because you are holding this tiny adorable little creature right now who can't open its eyes and is covered in blood and has a tiny mop of hair on its head. and this little creature is alive. and they are alive because of you.

the fact that there are people who don't treat their children like the best gift they'd ever been given (because they are) and talk down to them, talk shit to them and do more than just talk shit sometimes just breaks my heart. if you can't be a parent, don't have children. both you and your children will regret the fact that they were ever born.

so stop. you're not helping your child by doing this to them. youre not helping your family by doing this to them. you're not helping yourself by doing this to them. so just fucking stop. (someone who loves you wouldn't do this.)

thank you conan for writing this masterpiece of a song. you've inspired abuse victims all over the world by publishing this. and you've shown them that their trauma doesn't define them. you've shown them that there is light at the end of the tunnel. you've shown them that they are not alone. so thank you. thank you so much.

[hauntedliz]

Tagged by the beloved @toads-treasures to talk about my writerly ways. :)

When did you start writing?

I've been writing for a very, very long time. I had so many spiral note books with drawings and little stories. I remember in first grade my friends and I wrote stories about us and our friends being superheroes. I was a writer and THE illustrator, and I still have the notebook where I drew all of us. Before that I would wander around recess just making up songs and after that I got way too involved in imaginary recess plot lines. My friends grew out of it, and I did not. So writing was the best option. It's harder now. It sounds dramatic, but I wonder if sometimes the burnout is too deep and it's all tainted. Other parts of me have healed since college, but this part still feels broken.

Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading than what you write?

I think the things I read are pretty similar to what I like to write: romance, fantasy, horror, mystery. Though I do read a lot of Star Wars content, and I don't know I could ever write in that world. I love it SO much, but I'd be so afraid to forget something or mess it up. I'm not really interested in other scifi at the moment.

Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often?

Emily Henry is one of my favorite authors right now. Her romances have all the fun stuff, but they also hit something deep in my heart. It's not just romance and fun tropes, there is something very human and personal there. I think Shirley Jackson's stories and incrdibly cool. The Magnus Archives altered by brain in a way that will not be undone. I can think of a lot of writers I'd be honored to get compared to from both published stories and fanfics.

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space?

My writing space is wherever the mood strikes. I feel the most free at my job when I have some free time and can zone out into my thoughts. We won't think too hard about that. At home, my desk is kind of cluttered, but there are things I love all around. My bookshelf is to my left if I ever need inspiration or guidance.

I like cramming words onto notebook pages and writing in different directions to throw off my perfectionist tendancies. It can't be that important if I am writing it sideways, right?

What’s your most effective way to muster up a muse?

One song. On repeat. As long as it takes. (Could be multiple, but usually one is THE muse)

Also talking to toad. I honestly work best with a partner.

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?

When I realize my themes have been recurring I am usually surprised at first, but then it makes sense. While making OCs with toad I realized just how often I inflict oldest sibling disease on my characters. Lots of sibling dynamics. Loss and grief come up a lot but that's not really an accident. There are lots of things to lose and be haunted by. I very purposely try to put parts of myself I struggle with in my ocs I think it's important.

"And I think I was always writing for myself, to sort through my loss and worry and tangled ambitions. Even now, I think about how effortless it is to lose oneself in words, and yet also find who you are." -Divine Rivals by Rebecca Ross

"Literature, for all of us, is a way that we rehearse life. And, of course, I don’t have that much life left. I’ve already experienced everything that one can experience. But kids who are ten years old, they have it all in front of them, and some of it is going to be very, very hard. When they read about people experiencing those hard things, they rehearse how they would react, feeling it without having to truly feel it yet. It serves a valid purpose for them." -Lois Lowry interview

What’s your reason for writing?

Fun.

See above quote.

Is there any specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating?

Seeing people get excited about my characters or the things I come up with makes me extremely happy. It doesn't matter if it's a keyboard smash or detailed list of things you liked. I don't forget kind words. I also like making toad use sobbing crying emojis in response to my ideas so that too.

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

Very little. Think about the story or the character, pay no attention to the woman behind the curtain. Otherwise I'd say always kindly, but with the occassional fist shaken in my direction for angst.

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

I'm really not sure. For a writer I sure haven't written much lately. I used to say my dialogue.

How do you feel about your own writing?

Depends on how much time has passed since I last read it. While I'm writing it? I hate it, my own words are so annoying. It's because I have read and thought about them a hundred times and the perfectionism really sours things. When I can seperate myself I think it can be really good. I mainly just wish I could finish it.

[1moremilgram-enjoyer]

Hm... Amane: 1, 3, 13, 15 for Amane and Muu: 1, 2, 9, 10, 11, if that's alright!

Yep! Thanks for the ask! Sorry if this took a bit, been busy.

(Ask game)

CW Cults and indoctrination, child abuse, murder, bullying

Amane

1- Favorite song lyrics?

Oh, God, she has so many good ones. Let's go song by song.

[Magic] But it’s not scary at all, because it’s love I can really think it’s great. See isn’t it a great thing?

[...]

Only if, only if, only if I could be a good girl I hope, I hope everyone can be happy and smile Forever, forever together would be a dream

I pick these ones because they're the most mentally scarring lyrics in Magic in my opinion! And as an Amane Momose enjoyer, I always love it when she inflicts psychological torture on us!

The first one is just horrifying because of how much Amane forces herself to see what's happening to her as "love", even though the situation is horrible. "Mercy without limits" incident flashbacks.

The other line is just as horrible. Self-loathing ("if I could be a good girl") because she dares to have such sinful desires as *checks notes* putting a little napkin over a cat's injury. And then "I hope everyone can be happy and smile" never fails to make me horrendously sad. She just wants people to be happy! She wants to be the "Happiness Support Sister"! But her mother's always mad at her because she's a "bad girl". I am so hurt.

[Positive Parade] You can take the opportunity to hold me close and you can share the burden of your worries with me You say it's embarrasing, but I'm embarrased too, you know!

This is my favorite line outside of the context of Amane, because it's just really sweet. Positive Parade is such a nice song, and this particular line always brings a smile to my face!

Now back to your regularly scheduled mental torture, my favorite part of Amane's cover specifically is the "we can't stop" that she sings more sinisterly than any other. It really carries so much hopelessness, just- we can't stop following doctrine and trying to be happy and it hurts so much and is this really going to go on forever it is isn't it we can't stop-

Yeah I really like that change. Makes me sad!

[The Purge March] After you cry, repent, and kneel, it’s now your turn to say that hopeless “I’m sorry” You’re sorry? I don’t care! Please, go ahead and die already Remember MY cries, MY repents, MY words of “I’m sorry” that I said to you?

If there's one thing I like just as much as Amane angst it's Amane anger. The jarring shift from "you have to say sorry so I can forgive you! :D" to "You're sorry? PFFFFFT- Go fucking die" is awesome. It really highlights the difference between the cult's doctrine and Amane's righteous anger at the people who hurt her, and how spiteful she sounds by reminding her mother of Amane's own pleas of "sorry." I'm just fascinated and thrilled any time Amane gets furious, it's becoming a problem.

[Animal] The mask comes off and the beast comes out, I do it wild even if it’s ugly I can’t do sit, I can’t even do stay, purr until I go Layers of makeup, the perfect animal, I'm waiting with my eyes wide open I can’t do sit, I can’t even do stay, purr until I go

I love the Animal cover in general, which means my favorite line is the one that really encapsulates the entire song. Amane not being able to "be a good girl" by following order, because when the makeup is off, she's an "animal." Cat parallels! Followed by a reminder that it takes layers of makeup, layers of hiding her true nature and desires to be the "perfect animal". Amane angst, gotta love it (<- holding back tears)

This is followed closely by the part at the end where she hisses, btw. The wilder Amane gets, the better the world becomes.

3- Favorite non-MV official illustration?

Oh, this one's hard to pick between these two for me:

The duality, huh?

The 3rd anniversary artwork (left) may just be her Magic outfit, but her dead stare really makes it compelling. She looks so done with your bullshit. She looks like you just told her you voted her Unforgiven and is seriously considering dealing out divine punishment.

One thing that really interests me is that she's holding the 'wand', but she doesn't have the cloud ribbon thing, she still has the black bow tie. And her cloak is still draped over her, it hasn't turned to wings. I wonder if this is supposed to be Amane right before her murder, in the moment of Magic where she grabs the wand, but before undergoing her magical girl transformation. So when she grabs the stun gun (assuming she did use it) and before attacking her mother.

But ultimately, I think I like the birthday cake art a bit more! She looks so happy! Look at her :D

I also love all the details about it. The fact it's not really a cake but rather a plain-looking muffin because of the whole "she doesn't eat sweets even though she really wants to" thin. The feathers to represent... I guess innocence or something like that? I'd have to think about it a bit more.

And yet, the horrors lurk. The thunderbolt and trumpet cookies, possibly referencing Riyone's and Gachata's punishments. The way the flower thing behind her is almost styled to look like a fountain, and water... Gozake... yeah... yeah... Yuuri doesn't seem to be referenced but oh well.

But ignore the horrors! Doesn't she look adorable in that dress? Look how happy she is!

13- Any ideas on what would they and their MV be like if they got a different verdict in T1?

Oh, hell if I know. Amane is a very unpredictable character on the best of days, so it's really hard to say.

I'd imagine her attitude would have stayed similar to what it was during T1, so a lot more upbeat than how she currently is. She likely would still be saying "I" instead of "we", which means we may not have seen the army of Amanes which as a whole (the way I interpret it) represent her faith in the MV, though it's still possible it would have been there.

One thing is that although she'd agree with her verdict, she may not agree with the things the voices would say. The way I interpret the voices is that they essentially repeat the arguments given for the verdict they got, but not the arguments for the verdict they didn't get. So in canon I believe she heard things like "we need her to understand something's wrong" or whatever people where saying, but in an alternate reality where she gets innoed, she would hear things like "she's just a child, she doesn't understand what she did" (general consensus before Purge March I think?). Why am I explaining this? Because I feel we'd have a Yuno-type situation where Amane gets angry at the voices pitying her and saying that she had no control over the situation. She'd probably repeat a lot of what she said in her first VD lol.

One thing that worries me about this verdict is the whole "making Milgram the perfect world" thing. In her first VD she kinda tried to strike a deal with Es like Kotoko did, so she'd feel extremely betrayed if she got a T2 Guilty. But beyond that, would she be more proactive on "fixing" Milgram if she had been innoed? How would that manifest? Would she speedrun the "attack Shidou" arc with her full freedom? I kinda doubt that, but it's possible.

As for her MV, really no idea. I feel like it would be more similar to Magic than Purge March, really. I don't even know if we'd have gotten real world scenes or if we would have stayed entirely in-metaphor like Magic, though I imagine we would at least get clarification on the cat being an actual cat lol. I really wonder if we would even learn who her victim was. Again, I have legitimately no idea.

15- What do you think of their voice?

I love it! Tanaka Minami does a fantastic job expressing all of Amane's really weird emotions in her voice! Love the singing, love the VDs, adore the voice reveal distorted lines (that T1 line has scarred me forever, thanks for that!), I love it! I especially love things like the haunting background lyrics at the end of Magic, the "we can't stop" in Positive Parade, the super upbeat "you're sorry? I don't care! Please go ahead and die already" in Purge March, and the laugh that trails off in Animal right after the "why don't we do it m0re?".

Muu

1- Favorite song lyrics?

[After Pain] If you’re going to make me the villain It’s ok to ignore me If it’s endurance, I’m used to it. It’s just having another taste of it But I see it in my dreams even though I erased it Maybe I’m done Just one more time before saying goodbye I’m just kidding, please forget I said that

I was torn between this one and the "let's meet up inside the pain - I love YOU" section, especially since I really like how the latter sounds, but I like the lyrics I chose a bit more.

"If you're going to make me the villain, it's okay to ignore me" hints at Muu's desire to always be pitied, which is already fun, and while the "endurance" part likely refers to the bullying, I've always wondered if Muu means something else when she says she's "used to it." There's gotta be a reason she feels a lot of people are jealous of her, maybe?

"Just one more time before saying goodbye- I'm just kidding, please forget I said that" is just really sad. She still likes her old friends, girl get better taste T_T I also like that this line explains DSCF because I really had no idea what the hell that was about when I first saw it with Muu.

[Otome Dissection] It's in pieces, without spelling out "love" It's a penalty shoot-out, Feelings vs. Boredom Yeah, there's a kid there, lost in anything and everything, Shedding tears, meowing "SOS" with their eyes only halfway open

Cat people and DECO*27 songs, name a more iconic duo.

Keeping in mind the singer is the kid meowing SOS, I like this line because of the nonchalance of the "yeah, I'm lost and need help, but that's not the problem. The problem is I'm bored. I'm more interested in the 'penalty shoot-out of feelings vs Boredom'". It really helps visualize the way the singer hides their very real mental distress as just a matter of boredom, pretending like that's the only reason she "plays Otome dissection." Same idea with Muu, because as much as she likes being pitied, she does not do a good job at conveying why she does the things she does, such as bullying people.

[It's Not my Fault] It’s not my fault after all, after all! I’m sure I’ve made no mistakes you can find. Gather that nectar, more and more, and come bring it to me, ‘kay? It’s not my fault after all, after all. Everyone wants me to be innocent. What a relief. Can’t be helped. I’m always meant to be pitied!

(From the wiki)

I've noticed a pattern where my favorite lyrics tend to be the ones that really encapsulate the song's message, and this isn't really an exception. I love how unapologetic Muu is about everything, it's part of what makes her such an interesting character! The lines are pretty straightforward, so all I really have to say is that it's really fun seeing her fully indulge in her "Queen Bee" attitude.

[DSCF] And so we're the Delusional Sentimental Compensation Federation We embrace love and shout out our ideals A melody of fools with nowhere to go Retry - Rebirth - Teleportation We keep trying, but it keeps dying At the mercy of an endless love

(Using this translation btw)

I really have to make more cover analyses, these things are fun.

Going back to the idea that I love the lyrics that represent the song's messages the most, here we have the basic idea of DSCF, of the singer trying to rebuild a broken relationship even though "it keeps dying." She understand it's a delusional idea, hence the name, but they're "fools with nowhere to go", so they have to try to hold it together anyways. I like the pairing of teleportation with "retry - rebirth", given the idea that teleportation could be achieved by destroying one thing and reforming it in a different place, sorta what they're trying to do with their relationship.

Back to Muu, this is either about Rei and it's the gayest thing in Milgram since Cat, or about her friends which I find a bit more likely given the idea of rebuilding a relationship rather than anything else. It fits the "just one more time before saying goodbye" line from After Pain at least. So you know, fun!

2- Favorite MV moment/frame?

For individual frame, and my favorite part of It's Not my Fault, it has to be this.

I am noticing I adore when character's eyes do weird shit. Look at how happy she is after murdering Rei! (<-She is in severe emotional distress). This shot just lives in my head rent-free.

But for favorite scene, it's the whole section between these two shots of After Pain.

So the build-up and the murder. But specifically the build-up. Musically it's my favorite part of Muu's videos, and the immense feeling of "something really bad's about to happen" is incredible. The quick switching between Rei walking away, and Muu running out of the school, with the murder of crows flying away because you know what's going to happen. And probably because Muu knew too; she ran out of the school without a backpack yet with a box cutter in hand, she had to have known murder was a way that could end. Plus the imagery of the hourglass being sideways, as the power dynamic it represents can no longer be determined to have someone on top, and rolling down a staircase, as it's about to completely break. One of my favorite build-ups to a murder in the entirety of Milgram probably.

9- Do you forgive/not forgive their crime on its own?

Oh boy, is this one hard to answer!

So, there's a lot that complicates this question. Let me run down the full situation so I can try to figure out my own feelings about it.

I want to clarify, by the way, that from an outside "Muu is just a fictional character" perspective, oh absolutely no problems. Slay queen, I hope you get worse! But I feel like that's not really the point of the question, right? It's to ask how we would feel if they were real people and stuff.

Muu was a bully, or rather, she spearheaded a bully group without physically engaging in the bullying herself, if her claims in Queen B are to be believed. Shitty behavior, but also she's a dumb teenager, this isn't exactly unforgivable.

Then Rei comes in, tries to defend one of the bullies' victims, Muu thinks she's jealous, the bullying turns on her. Here comes the first problem; we know Rei managed to turn Muu's "friends" against her, but we have zero clue how the hell she did that. We don't know what Rei's role in the bullying really was at all. For all we know, she may not have actually done much, but Muu still blamed her so as to not blame her old friends. Particularly, in After Pain, we see Rei stumbling into Muu after she was harassed by the bullies, and she just walks away. So she didn't seem preoccupied with protecting Muu, but she didn't directly hurt her either, from what we've seen.

Not to downplay Rei's involvement. If Muu thought killing her would end the bullying, then I'm sure she was certainly the main motivator for it.

However, it's important to note murder wasn't Muu's preferred solution. She did try to apologize to Rei, though how sincere she was could be debated, and it was only when Rei rejected her that Muu took drastic action. So Muu had to really feel cornered by what was going on.

So let me say, I don't really take Muu bullying people into consideration for whether I forgive her or not. A lot of teenagers bully others, and while it's a very shitty thing to do, it isn't unforgivable, and certainly not when compared to murder.

But then comes the other thing. By the same reasoning, Rei didn't do anything bad enough to deserve what happened to her, which I think should go without saying but y'know. She's not blameless, she definitely hurt Muu a lot, especially by essentially having her isolated by turning her "friends" on her, but death is way too much.

I don't want to make it sound like Muu didn't suffer or anything. The whole situation is horrible on all sides. And the thing is, ultimately Muu is still very young, and the murder was entirely emotional. Muu tried until the end to resolve things somewhat peacefully, even though again she did leave the school with the box cutter in hand. It's pretty clear to me she wouldn't kill again, obviously, and as a teenager she certainly has a lot of room to grow.

So ultimately, I do forgive Muu, even though her murder on its own is one of the least forgivable in Milgram in my opinion. But "one of the least forgivable" doesn't mean "unforgivable", it just means in comparison to other things it's not so easy to look past it.

10- Is the answer to the previous question different from your vote(s) on the character themselves (do you vote them based on anything else aside from the crime)?

Uh, well I wasn't around for Muu's voting, so I'm not really sure. I think in T1 I would have voted her Forgiven, since without any info on what voting did I think I would have gone off my actual feelings on the murder.

In T2 I'm a bit more torn. I think voting her Forgiven wouldn't make her a better person, while voting her Unforgiven... well, is it going to help? She definitely places a lot of value on what people think of her, and does have moments where she's not entirely sure if what she did was the right decision, so it's possible she'll regret it a bit more and she might become a better person.

But here's the thing. Ultimately Milgram's system wouldn't help Muu in a very good way. It would inflict more mental distress than really necessary, just to possibly try to make her a bit better. As I said, I highly doubt Muu would kill again unless she faces extreme situations, so ultimately, the only risk of voting her Forgiven is that maybe she'd be a bit meaner. And between how torturous Unforgiven verdicts are, and especially with Haruka's threat in mind (I do not think for a second the restraints will prevent him from at least attempting suicide), I think I would have maybe ended up voting her Forgiven again, with the hope she can find proper help outside of the Hell Prison. But again, maybe I should think about it more. Her verdict is certainly a pretty complex one.

11- What are your favorite points about their story and the narrative surrounding them?

Oh, this is always hard to pick. Muu's story has a lot of really interesting points, but I'm not the biggest Muu understander so explaining why they're cool is kinda difficult for me. But if I have to pick just one thing, it's the fact she's so unapologetic about her crime! It just makes her extremely entertaining, love it when the girlies are just Evil (<- hyperbole, all characters in Milgram are morally grey, blah blah blah).

Just that on its own is fun enough, but the fact she still wants her feelings validated externally by being pitied and Forgiven makes it so much more interesting! Unlike, say, Amane, who fully believes she's in the right and ignores (or at least does her best to ignore) other people's (Es') opinions on what she did, Muu tries her best to get Forgiven:

[Crying B] Muu: What should I do then? What should I do in order for you to forgive me, guard-san? I'll do anything! Um… Anything painful or embarrassing is out of the question though… And, I don't wanna do anything scary either… Es: Ugh, listen here you… Muu: But, it's true, isn't it? All I have to do is gain your favor, right? I'll listen to what you say! So, what would you like me to do?

You could say that's just because of Milgram, but to me it really seems like Muu herself wants that external validation. It makes her feel more like a real teenager, you know? She has her own opinions, but she still cares a lot about what other people say, she's easily swayed. That's why she goes from asking permission to breathe because some of it is her fault:

[After Pain] But I guess some of it is my fault Maybe it’s ok as it is I want to feel “alive”, is it ok if I breathe?

To... well. The song's called It's Not my Fault.

[It's Not my Fault] It’s not my fault after all, after all! I’m sure I’ve made no mistakes you can find. Gather that nectar, more and more, and come bring it to me, ‘kay?

That, combined with the fact she did apologize to Rei for something, makes it feel to me like Muu wasn't entirely sure how blameless she really was, until she was Forgiven. Her feelings validated, she threw away (almost) all her doubts, and thus we see her back on her queen arc by Trial 2. Her previous doubts are literally only brought back in one line of It's Not my Fault ("what if I'm actually a bad girl?") before being denied instantly ("don't ever hate me [...] wait, wait, it's not my fault!").

So yeah. I enjoy that she's a certified Worst Girl and how we're sorta part of that.

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That would be all! I'm really sorry this took so long, studies have been kinda difficult (what the fuck is a Taylor polynomial send help). Thanks for the ask, take care!

[kringas]

There is a disturbing cyclical nature of internet culture. And I don't mean that in a broad sense, I mean that in a small sense. I mean in a tiny way. I mean how everything repeats over and over and over again. There's an obsession, and I do say obsession, with repetition. 

I am the first to say that repetition is actually a good thing. I love repetition. In fact, I listen to every single song I like on loop for hours at a time. I listen to a lot of musical cast albums, and even the tracks that are like 30 seconds long, the ones that are just people talking, I listen to those on loop for hours. My Spotify Wrapped is a mess.

 I have nothing against repetition conceptually,  but I feel like everywhere I go, every single thing I look at when I'm scrolling through the endless feeds of Instagram or Twitter orr whatever, it's all the same things. Try as I might, it's all the same.

I've been seeing this popular thing. Instagram edgelords in the comments on meme pages, I found that they they tend to make jokes over and over and over again. They're doing it because it's funny that they're doing it over and over again. If you don't think it's funny, you're the fool. everyone knows it's not funny, everyone's supposed to understand that it's not funny and therefore not laugh. But also you can't not not laugh. 

It is a series of bizarre social standards on these internet communities. every single one of these spaces, where you're coming in expected to be more ironic than human, it's a type of elaborate social ploy. It's a circus. And you can make a joke about circuses and clowns but I really think that everyone is the audience and everyone is the clown and they know that they're the audience that they know that they're the clown so who's winning?

Now that may seem completely unrelated to what I was saying but I think that in these internet communities, deep irony poisoned, deeply self-loathing, but self-loving too, it's all about winning. 

I think the other half of this equation is that the people know that they're not winning. I mean no one else is winning, they know that everyone involved in the situation is a loser, but what they're waiting for it's for someone to come in and to be even more of a loser. A person who does not understand that they are meant to be a loser. That is the target.

 Now this felt kind of familiar to me, as I was pondering this concept…  This is also how I think a lot of bad and unkind behavior happens in life. Not just bullying or cruelty, but just the day to day meanness that is inflicted on those around us. When you are crappy to the person at drive thru window, it's a matter of you feeling hurt and inflicting it outward. This elaborate social sphere is that everyone feels like a loser and therefore they want to make someone else feel like a loser but they don't realize that everyone around them feels like a loser so maybe the solution here is for everyone to constantly be announcing how much of a pathetic loser they are.

I think almost anything could be used in the quest for good you know. I think that really anything anything on Earth can be used to make the world better. So my plan my ultimate plan is to make an Instagram meme page. And from this Instagram meme page, I will make 30 to 50 sub accounts. Using all these accounts, I will comment on all of the regular funny posts, saying "oh wow I'm such a loser" and stuff like that, self hating, to the audience of irony poisoned 26 year olds with no sense of self.

Now, one may argue that this goes against Instagram or Facebook terms of conditions but,, this is important, I don't care. I think it's notable that these are evil evil companies, and therefore really and doing anything against them I think is morally fine. One might also be able to argue that, you know, there are things in their rules that are good but I think I am the exception to all rules.

Or rather I think I'm the exception to the rules when I'm doing good and this will be this will be good. I think if anyone could just be more open and honest and clear with exactly what they're thinking, what they're saying and what they're trying to do in every social situation, to deconstruct the weird, obscene, bizarre, social niceties that they play with, we would all be so much funnier!

I appreciate you reading this wonderful article about you know social irony and whatnot but what I'm going to say even further that you should support me on this cause. You too should make 30 to 50 accounts on Instagram where all you do is post about how much you hate yourself in the comments of meme pages. It would be fantastic.

Okay that's just part one. See if the world believes that you're doing good it will let you do anything. And I don't mean the moderators of Facebook or whatever. I mean like the world as a whole. I mean God. My next part of this goal, once I have successfully convinced a lot of people who have seen these manufactured comments to be open about their self-hating, is to use it against them.

I believe objectively that pain is a bad thing. And I think people will feel a lot less pain if it's scared out of them. So by using their deepest darkest feelings about themselves, about the world around them, about the people around them, to hurt them, they won't feel pain anymore. 

This probably sounds absurd. But how do we train ourselves to achieve our goals, especially the ones that are hard to achieve? We use shame. We don't want to say that we use shame, but we use shame. You make yourself feel bad about eating that cookie. You make yourself feel bad about watching Netflix instead of reading a book. Shame is the ultimate way to fix anything, so why does this shame have to be internal? Why can't I replace the internal version of your self hatred?

Even if you're some softie or whatever who's against shame and guilt, wouldn't it be better for them to direct their self hatred at me rather than themselves. I can be destroyed. Temporarily at least. They also can destroy themselves, but destroying me, multiple peoples' self-hatred will be destroyed. 

Frankly, my ultimate goal is for profit, so the destroying thing can come after I make my millions in wealth. But can you imagine the collective catharsis? If we just turned our own self-hatred into a singular enemy, surely nothing could go wrong, no one would hate themselves, and therefore it would solve all of our emotional problems. 

So, in conclusion I may be torturing people for evil but ultimately it comes from a good place, and even more ultimately, it'll be good for us as a society. Thank you.

[emperoxricebunny]

I both love and hate acknowledging that I carry all the people I love with me. Everyone I've loved and lost has been complicated.

One of my favorite songs is because of the first girl I openly fell in love with. Koi fish still make me smile because of her. I'll probably never trust her again because of things she said to me and threatened to do.

I have songs on my playlist, and gave We Bare Bears because of the person that tore me so far down I've had to rebuild myself from the ashes. Though that did teach me to value myself, if someone doesn't have time for me, I can't make them care, I can't change myself for them.

I discovered Mastadon because of a person that didn't seem to understand "I trust you" did not mean, grope while I sleep after I've taken my night meds until I wake up so you can fuck me.

I went to my favorite bar for the first time because of the woman, that sent me a post sex selfie to introduce me to partner number 4.

I love Event Horizon because of the monster of my childhood that would beat my mother and inflicted pain on me as a sign of affection. Gaslit me too, telling me that pain wasn't real.

I use forks more than spoons because of the woman that told me she doesn't have to be mother anymore since I was 18. The woman that never protected me from that monster.

I have a flower vape because of the person that thought cutting off my air flow would be a fun joke.

I'm becoming more aware of who I am now. But I'm also becoming very aware of where these pieces picked up.

I enjoy the sound of a banjo despite what I now know that man did to my mother.

Because of the one person that even trying to think of anything good starts me to dissociate. I cannot speak his name, but my favorite person exists because of my time with that wretched man.

My best friend made me feel safe enough to become who I am, but also scared me shitless a few times.

Cherry coke reminds me of road trips across states and just afternoon drives to Grandma's. Liminal spaces feel good because I was always safe in those transitional periods.

I'm a bit afraid of love because it's always so fucking painful, I want good communication and stability, trust, respect. I want so much to love, but I'm afraid to get too close. Because that's when I get lost, that's when I get hurt.

[wackus-bonkus-maximus]

Got another Song rec for Gabriel! Behind Blue Eyes by Sheryl Crow

No one knows what it's like To be the bad man To be the sad man Behind blue eyes

No one knows what's really going on with Gabriel. That he's being manipulated and controlled, that he's not IN control, that he's arguably the most powerless person in the story, and definitely the one who's suffered the most.

And no one knows what it's like To be hated To be fated To telling only lies

Gabriel's HATED, especially by Adrien, the only person left who he really cares about. But he's stuck with it. He has to continue to spout Lila's lies, to dance on her string. And the only person who might have a clue about it is Felix, and even then, it's doubtful that he knows the full extent of it.

But my dreams They aren't as empty As my conscience seems to be

He knows he's morally bankrupt. That he's done horrible things, and would have done more, if he hadn't gotten a very hard lesson in how awful the things he was doing were. He has no such illusions anymore. But still, even with everything... he hopes for things to get better.

I have hours, only lonely My love is vengeance That's never free

Gabriel would like nothing more than to get back at Lila for murdering his friend, for tormenting his son, and tormenting him. But he can't let it go free. Lila would take it out on Adrien, and then on him, personally. She could make him take a swan dive off a roof, if she wanted to.

No one knows what it's like To feel these feelings Like I do And I blame you

This part is one of the few that doesn't really fit. Mostly because Gabriel's very aware that others know what it's like to feel these feelings. He's inflicted them in his son before, after all. And Ladybug's thought that she lost her partner for a long time, like Gabriel lost his.

No one bites back as hard On their anger None of my pain and woe Can show through

We see this in your story, his white knuckles as he bites back on his anger and woe and has to try and suppress it - or has them suppressed for him, it's not always clear which. In any case, Lila will punish him severely if he lets the truth slip.

When my fist clenches, crack it open Before I use it and lose my cool When I smile, tell me some bad news Before I laugh and act like a fool

He has to keep his feelings under control, both good and bad. He has to make sure not to anger Lila either way.

If I swallow anything evil Put your finger down my throat If I shiver, please give me a blanket Keep me warm, let me wear your coat

I think this is more his hope for the future than anything else. That in the future, he'll be free enough for him to be able to ask people to help him avoid going too far again (well he'll probably be in prison, but still). That he'll feel worthy of asking for a blanket when cold, that he'll have built or rebuilt some relationships somewhat.

i am seriously loving all these song recs 😍 and honestly i didn't think there was one out there that fit odnlb gabriel agreste so well, but this one is really haunting and beautiful.

i think you captured his situation really perfectly with this song. gabriel is so alone, and not just alone but also hated by the one person he loves and trapped by a person he thought he could trust. ironically, he's the only one who really understands what adrien is going through. yet, he can't do anything about it! this is his own doing, and remorse and guilt mean nothing. only adrien would probably pity him, but of course, gabriel would never want adrien to know.

i like the last thing you said about gabriel's hope: "my dreams/ they aren't as empty/ as my conscience seems to be." he knows know what he would do better, how he would fix it. and it's not even for the purpose of redeeming himself. it would just be to prevent adrien getting into this situation at all.

[scarthefangirl]

Happier than ever

Agatha Harkness x G/N!reader

Description: You decide it is finally time to end this.

Warnigns: TW, Yelling, crying, fighting, abuse mentioned, paedophile vibes, control issues, relationship ending, toxic, toxic relationships, mean Agatha, grooming maybe idk??

Song: Happier than ever -Billie Eilish

A/N: Ahhh, I had a blast writing this.

Requests are open as well as taglist.

I'm happier than ever

Wish I could explain it better

I wish it wasn't true, mm-hmm

You're relationship with Agatha started roughly two years ago. Things were great at first.

At first.

Slowly your girlfriend became more obsessed and aggressive. She got so jealous and rude.

But you loved her still. You just always felt a weight off your shoulders when she left. It wasn't that she was the worst person ever. But your relationship wasn't working for you anymore. But how do you explain that to someone who is deeply passionate for you?

You can't explain what happened.

It sounds like utter bull if you say you just grew apart, but that is what happened. You wish you knew how to explain what is on your heart and mind.

I knew when I asked you to be cool about what I was telling you

You'd do the opposite of what you said you'd do

And I'd end up more afraid

Today is the day you end it.

You don't want to hurt the witch. But she is hurting you. All her jealous outbursts, and scary fights. You can't even open up with her before it turns either into an argument or a fit of possessiveness.

Once, you told her about an argument with a friend that really hurt you. She got all uptight saying how she hated her anyway because she liked you. And how you spend more time with her. You could go on.

It scares you.

She scares you.

Don't say it isn't fair

You clearly weren't aware that you made me miserable, ooh

You have tried to tell her your feelings before. Multiple times. But she says your being unfair and goes on to say how you hurt her.

Then she acts all lovey dovey again.

She doesn't know how awful she makes you feel. Everyday the weight of loving her is unbearable.

When I'm away from you (when I'm away from you)

I'm happier than ever (I'm happier than ever)

Wish I could explain it better (wish I could explain it better)

I wish it wasn't true, mm-hmm

You get inside the old piece of junk air a car you drive and head the short ride to Agatha's house. You pull into the familiar driveway and get a sense of nostalgia.

How can you justify the breakup? How can you make her see that you hurt just as much as her.

For a year she has hurt you and broken you. Constantly blaming you and gaslighting you. She made you hate yourself.

You scared me to death, but I'm wasting my breath

'Cause you only listen to your f*cking friends

I don't relate to you I don't relate to you, no

'Cause I'd never treat me this sh!tty

You make me hate this city

You walk into the old house without knocking, knowing you are welcome.

"Hey Agatha. I need to talk to you." You say, she sets you down on the couch. She listens as you explain your feelings. By listening, she tries to interrupt you every five words. You manage to finish and you can see the smoke coming from her nostrils.

"I am the one hurting you!? You go around wearing super revealing clothes, flirting with others. You hurt me. You always are so selfish and rude. Besides you're ugly so you are letting the only good thing that could ever happen to you go." Agatha spits mercilessly.

"Why do you think I always go visit people outside of town? Because you made me hate where we live. You make me want to move." You scream at her.

"We are just to similar, you and I." Agatha chuckles. You glare at her with a look of disgust.

"Similar? I am nothing like you. I would never treat anyone the way you treat me. You make me scared of you! You shouldn't inflict fear on your lovers." You begin to tear up, a lump threatening to rise in the back of your throat. "You probably just dated me because your friends thought it would be funny to play me."

Never told anyone anything bad

'Cause that sh!t's embarrassing, you were my everything

And all that you did was make me f*cking sad

"I love you." Agatha groans, as though it is a task to say.

"I live you too, that is the problem. I gave up my entire life for you. You made me happy for awhile. I can remember you putting your hands on mine, stirring a glowing cauldron. But you became so cruel. You hit me. You hurt me. Not just physically, emotionally. You broke me down bit by bit painfully. Now I need to build myself back up again. You call me a gossip, but I never talk about you badly. I rambled on and on about you being amazing. I never told anyone something that could hurt you. Because I was over the moon about you." The lump in your throat lets out a croak and you wipe the tears away quickly.

So don't waste the time I don't have

Don't try to make me feel bad

You stare at the black haired woman who takes brave steps towards you. Your breath hitches for a moment, heartbreak sinking in a bit.

"After everything I gave up for you? Everything I did for you, you little ungrateful brat. I told my friends you would be easy. You were. Like a little puppet. But now you want to ruin what we have? After all the dates and time I gave you." Agatha spits harshly.

I could talk about every time that you showed up on time

But I'd have an empty line, 'cause you never did

"Dates! Time? You didn't show up to anything. You were never there. If I made a list of every time you were around for something I looked forward to I would have a blank sheet of paper." Your breathing turns uneven and your face breaks out in angry red blotches.

"You always wanted to let those losers come. Your 'friends' and your family."

Never paid any mind to my mother or friends, so I

Shut 'em all out for you 'cause I was a kid

"You didn't ever care about who I wanted to spend time with if it wasn't you. You told me they would hurt us, so I ditched them for you. All because I was young and stupid." You begin to cry, urging yourself to leave. But you stand firm, not budging. She laughs methodically at you. Her face gets threateningly close to your own.

"You're mine, pet. When was that not enough for you sweety? I make you happy. You are happy around me." Agatha says pointedly.

You ruined everything good

Always said you were misunderstood

Made all my moments your own Just f*cking leave me alone

"No. Stop. I am happier when I am away from you. Much much happier. You make everything about you." You scream. She grabs your wrist tightly and you struggle out of her grip. "Leave me alone! We are breaking up." You run out to your car and twist the keys.

You drive home.

After some time you move on from the scary lady you had fallen deeply for. You got a new job. One you actually enjoyed. You went on dates again. You haven't met anyone yet but you are out there and that counts for something.

You are happier than ever.

~

Tags: // @powerfultaylor // @themarvelprince // @misselsbells06 // @american-sataness /

(Taglist and askbox open! See pinned post for links and details!)

[starglitterz]

others were never really patient with her form of amusement.

zhongli, the funeral consultant who always seemed like something greater, had never been patient with her. qiqi has never been fond of her attempts to return her to eternal rest. the exorcist chongyun has always been irritated with her. xiangling remains annoyed by her pranks, even if she harbors no ill will towards her. one of the few people who can tolerate her, adeptus xiao, shows no interest in actually establishing a relationship with her (or being kind, but hu tao would never say that. she doesn't need the ill will of the adepti directed at her!).

but you? you had never looked at her with distaste or annoyance. so... why are you starting now?

hu tao isn't foolish. she knows when it started. she just doesn't understand how you fell from her fingertips. she treated you as gently as she treats the flower she sticks in her hat, trying to cultivate your love with care. hu tao wasn't the perfect lover, but she certainly tried her best. she even wrote you poetry of her own creation, even if the words were childish.

a silk flower sits beneath a tree. right next to it, you and me! hand in hand, like we always do. never forget, quill, i love you!

hu tao would say the poem incessantly in a playful, sing-song tone, yet a faint hint of seriousness would be behind her words. after all, they were woven from the words of truth. they still are, even if your heart belong to someone else the moment the crux returned to liyue. kaedehara kazuha and you met at the wangsheng funeral parlor of all places, where he had smiled at you so softly and spoken to you with such sweetness.

you had grown distant from hu tao and closer to the inazuman outcast. hu tao watched as you grew attached to him, despite being committed to her. she watched as you betrayed her before her eyes, offering her a half-hearted apology as you returned everything she gave you. you didn't mean it. you weren't sorry. you had used hu tao for everything she was worth than left once a better option came along. kazuha ignites the stars in your eyes.

and for hu tao? she's left to deal with the corpse of your love. despite her experience with death, she doesn't quite know how to put these feelings to rest. you betrayed her, yet she loves you. if you were to return, she would take you back in her arms.

"overseer," a voice interrupts hu tao's spiraling thoughts as she stands in the lobby of the wangsheng funeral parlor. "are you alright?"

it's the familiar voice of zhongli. she knows he cannot stand her, yet he's also kind enough to inquire whenever he sees anguish. is she that pathetic that she requires his assistance.

"just peachy! i'm doing quite well, actua-" hu tao begins, but her voice cracks on the final syllable. tears well up in her eyes and she pauses, not wanting to make a pathetic display of herself in front of her underling. but the honeyed gaze of zhongli is too much. it reads her entirely. he knows. he knows you left. he wouldn't look at her with such a pitying gaze otherwise.

the consultant steps forward and envelops her smaller frame in a hug. it is comforting, despite the rift that exists between him. hu tao can't stop herself as a sob breaks out of her. no words exit her lips, only broken cries.

"a true lover would not break the unspoken contract of a relationship," zhongli advises, but hu tao shakes her head. her hands scrabble to get a grip on his back, hugging him close and desperately as she unprofessionally breaks down.

"i don't want a true lover, i want quill," she cries. zhongli remains steady, holding her close. she cannot see his face as she buries her head into the expensive fabric of his coat. is he disappointed in her? annoyed? angry? she doesn't know.

she ruins her relationships with everyone. she couldn't even keep you. what's another bridge burnt? zhongli will keep returning anyways. he needs a paycheck.

yet, she can't see the solemn expression that crosses his face. it's one of understanding. even if he still had his gnosis, there are some wishes that an archon cannot grant. humanity are fickle creatures. their emotions are untamed and their whims are difficult to understand. but, for now, zhongli is knowledgeable enough to know that hu tao needs a friend as she heals from the wounds that you inflicted on her.

so, he stands with her as she sobs in the halls of the wangsheng funeral parlor, the same place you met the man that you left her for.

can some archon please give me the strength i need to get through this ebg week 😭😭😭

okay

OKAY

OKAY !!!!!!!

yes i love kazuha he completely bewitched me and stole my heart from whoever had it prior to this,,, just kidding i have always loved kazuha with my entire soul and being haha idk why some funeral parlour owner is sad abt me haha

wow kazuha is looking So pretty today right 😄😄😄 also axia idk if ur ask got attacked by tumblr but its so blurry for some reason :/// might be bc im looking at it through tears though BUT OFC i am crying bc kazuhas beautiful poetry brought me to tears no other reason like angst of a specific person yknow

shoutout to zhongli for being there for his friends ig 😕 he's a real one unlike some mutual named axia purposefully trying to hurt me 🙄

IM NOT GIVING YOU MY NEXT STRIKE YOU AREN'T GOING TO MAKE ME LOSE

[colour-outside-the-liness]

Hi Colour! This is going to be a long one, so buckle up!

Oh wow, that's so precious! You've definitely earned the "real life Dani" nickname haha I wish I could find something meaningful like that to do with my life. I'm actually autistic and have ADHD so hearing you do this kind of work makes me really happy! Keep up the good work Ms. Clayton! 😁 Haha

You sound like a lot of fun to hang out with at pubs! Haha I'm glad you identify with that bit of info on your star placements. I had a lot of fun doing it too!

The thing about Hozier is that some of his lyrics are incredibly sapphic to me for some reason, I'm still trying to figure it out. NFWMB is one of the songs that feels like that to me. Don't know if you've heard it before but give it a try if you haven't. If you close your eyes it sounds like you're in an epic romantic story and there are swords, pretty gowns, and rooms lit by torches. Haha

The beginning of this song was inspired by a poem written by W.B Yeats called "The Second Coming" in 1920, and it talks about an apocalypse of sorts, alluding to all of the horrors men inflicted upon the world which ends up awakening this beast that goes to Jesus's place of birth in the Bible (Bethlehem) to be born. The last lines being:

"And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,

Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?"

So the song starts with:

"When I first saw you

The end was soon

To Bethlehem it slouched

And then, it must've caught a good look at you"

And oh boy do I think of Dani when I hear that. Especially bc of that scene where Viola accepts Dani's invitation to live inside her. And nobody knows why she accepts it (but I do!).

And yeah at first glance you might not think much of Dani. in the beginning she's just a tiny frail small-town girl with a lot of anxiety, running away from her past traumas. But she proves us wrong again and again and again. She moves to a country she's never been before entirely by herself, sees an opportunity, and doesn't let go of it even when it looks like it went wrong. Then is very loving and tender with these children who have gone through so much and are still going through so much. Tries to fight (with a fire poker!!) the threatening man that keeps harassing her, the children, and her friends. THEN manages to soften the angry, grumpy lesbian who's given up on people after A LOT of trauma (too much in my opinion) and doesn't give up on her when she rejects her either. Freaking exorcises her ex and makes him stop haunting her so she can be with the love of her life. And then finally as if all of that didn't make her the bravest hero in this story, she literally stops an apocalypse from happening and saves everyone from this beast by sacrificing herself without even thinking twice. Saves everyone that came before her and then the ones who'll come after for the rest of eternity. I mean the P-O-W-E-R this girl has. 💪 so hell yeah the lady in the lake wanted to take her.

When Hozier says:

"Ain't it a gentle sound, the rollin' in the graves?

Ain't it like thunder under earth, the sound it makes?

Ain't it exciting you, the rumble where you lay?

Ain't you my baby? ain't you my baby?"

I can only think of Dani at the bottom of the lake laying on top of all the bones of the people Viola killed and how she's at peace living forever in a dark place like that. That's kinda hardcore y'know?

After the first verses, Hozier goes on to talk abt his lover, someone so utterly terrifying even the beast of the end of the world can't stand to look at them. But this song is also about being proud to be this person's lover bc nothing can fuck with them, not bc you are there to protect them and wouldn't let anyone harm them, but bc they're more than capable of protecting themselves and you too. So in my head, this song is Jamie's declaration of love to Dani.

And then I think of Jamie's devotion to Dani when she said "If you can't feel anything, then I'll feel everything for the both of us." shown in this verse:

"If I was born as a blackthorn tree

I'd wanna be felled by you

Held by you

Fuel the pyre of your enemies"

And the fact that she took what she could get just to be with Dani. She knew she'd have to suffer for/bc of her at some point, but chose to be with her anyway. I have no doubts in my mind she'd want to be anything for her as long as they could be together in any way, shape, or form. In all the lives they happened to meet one another too.

Wouldn't it be cool to see them in an AU where Dani is like a medieval princess who's supposed to marry Edmund to form an alliance between kingdoms or something and Jamie is an assassin who is hired to kill the princess so she has to pretend to be Dani's personal guard or wtever but they fall in love and run away together and Jamie teaches her how to fight so Dani becomes this warrior but turns out Dani is naturally good at it and then she becomes a legend? Hahaha I can see her riding a horse in the winter with paint on her face and her blonde hair falling over this fur-lined cloak, fierce look on her face, and Jamie riding next to her (always). Then they come across Viola who's a witch and puts a curse on Dani and then Dani and Jamie have to travel to all sorts of places and fight all sorts of people and go on this whole adventure to rid Dani of this curse. Maybe Dani has to go back to her kingdom bc her father dies and there are other people trying to take her kingdom so there's a lot of angst and suffering but then they win at the end after a lot of sweat and tears and they live happily ever after! 😎Hahaha

Anyway, I hope you're having a great week so far and hope you had fun with your niece today! (I know if I was her and you had us make fudge and paint I'd worship you haha) I'm sorry for the very (very) long ask, but I've been obsessing over this idea for months and I just had to share it with someone! ✌️✨

(And you can call me Libby or wtever since I'm not anon anymore 🤗)

Awwh thank you so much for saying I have earned my 'real life Dani' title is means a lot to me that you guys see that in me!! I am sure you do so many meaningful things in life without even realising it!! I honestly just want to make a difference and I love helping people so going into a career like this just seemed so natural to me and I really do love what I do!! Thank you so much I really hope I can keep up the good work!! I hope I'm a lot of fun- I know I have helped win a few pub quizzes and there's been a few times I've won games of trivial pursuit as well so that really did make so much sense to me and learning about all the placements of my chart was so much fun and was so interesting so thank you very much!! I have heard some of Hozier's lyrics are quite sapphic and I always mean to look into more of his songs and then just never do but I will definitely look in to NFWMB because the lyrics you have sent me here are incredible and definitely give of Dani x Jamie vibes I definitely agree with you in everything you have said about why Viola accepted Dani's invitation- Dani and Viola are similar in some ways and this was something I was explaining to my niece when she watched it with me. I explained to her that both Viola and Dani are strong willed, and stubborn, and would do anything to fiercely protect the people they care about. We saw that time and time again with Dani, how within days of knowing Miles and Flora she was out with a fire poker trying to protect them from a strange man that she kept seeing around the manor. And how Viola would've done anything to protect her daughter. One major difference between them though is that Viola seemed to have a slight selfish streak where as Dani is entirely selfless, she was selfless for the longest time in even agreeing to marry Eddie so she wouldn't hurt him, she was selfless in protecting Miles and Flora, and even more selfless in saving Flora's life and freeing all the trapped spirits of Bly Manor and then she is selfless in the fact that she won't drag anyone down and won't hurt anyone else at Bly ever again. The one thing she did for herself was being with Jamie- and she was able to make Jamie open up and trust people in way she probably hadn't for the longest time. Dani is a truly strong person as was Viola and I can see why she would accept Dani's invitation. I will have to listen to this song to see it from a Jamie perspective which I will definitely do tomorrow but from the lyrics you have sent me I can definitely see it being a love declaration to Dani from Jamie. Jamie knew in the end she would suffer because she knew she wouldn't be able to keep Dani forever, and knew that one day she would have to leave her- but she knew loving Dani for as long as she was allowed to would be worth that pain in the end and Jamie is a truly strong person as well for knowing this and staying by Dani's side anyway when that must have been such a hard thing for Jamie to ever have to accept. Jamie would've been anything for Dani and would've one anything for her as Dani would've for Jamie and that's why I love them so much. They loved each other so purely and without conditions and so wholeheartedly and it really was such a lovely thing to watch play out in front of us (even if it did hurt us all at the end). I think it would be so cool to see an AU like that I think medieval stuff is always so fun and so interesting and a good enemies to lovers start never fails either because there's so much tension there between them. And Jamie being undercover as someone to get close to Dani and them slowly falling in love with each other would just be a great thing to see!! And I am all for warrior Dani and Jamie (women with weapons is a little bit of a weakness of mine)!! This whole AU just sounds incredible I love a good curse in fantasy stories and the curse slowly taking over and you thinking they're going to run out of time but everything works out in the end!! Dani going back to her kingdom because of her sick Dad dying would be great for angst because it would look

like she would have to marry someone to create an alliance and that she would have to take over a kingdom (perhaps something she never wanted to do in the first place)!! I think this could be a very angsty one shot and could be so interesting and fun and the happy ending would definitely make all the angst worth it in the end!! I am having a good week so far thank you and I had so much fun with my niece today, making fudge went great and she was happy that I was able to show her how to do it because she'd never made it before so now that's something she knows how to do (I think she thinks I'm way cooler than I actually am haha thank you for saying you'd worship me though if you were my niece haha 😂) but tomorrow she is teaching me how to do something because I taught her how to make fudge today... she's gonna teach me how to draw in an anime style- which is something she is really into and even though I'm not she loves drawing so I've asked if she can teach me since I taught her something today!! There's no need to apologise I loved this long angst and I loved this idea I think it's really great and interesting and that song just seems amazing and I am definitely gonna listen to it tomorrow when I get chance!! Thank you for sharing this idea with me I loved it!! ☺️ Haha oki doki then as long as that's alright with you Libby is what I'll call you!! Like I said you can seriously call me anything!! ☺️

[inctlife]

LMAO HI GEMMAAAAA

today, i got cleared 100% and am now free to play!!

funny story about my luck today, i stepped one foot out from the trainer's office and instantly got hit with a ball? thank god i still feel good, i think i got startled real bad tho

and yea, don't worry! i'll take care of myself. i'm not the best of taking care of myself (more of a "hey screw my body, time to exert all efforts and time to something that inflicts pain" type person) but my friends are just standing behind me and watching me like parents watching their toddler play for the first time on the playground and are worried for my sanity + how much pain i'm still currently going through, especially with my legs rn

i'm just wishing for no harsh fall? i'm really self-aware about my mental health most of the time, but all i'm wishing for is not to feel put down about my current situation. however, i really can't help it because i already feel really incompetent of staying on this tennis team bc everyone else is so much better than me right now :((

anyways, qotd:

favorite dream song? mine HAS to be either ridin', puzzle piece, fireflies, or WE YOUNG. WE YOUNG FOR SURE NVM DLKSDJFLKJDF (so what? we hot, we young)

or maybe like even drippin', stronger? or 1, 2, 3? (hey shawty)? or even like we go up- SMH I CAN'T CHOOSE i'll do like a ranking of all the nct songs in a few days just look out guys B)

running away to jam to "the moon" by moon x moon!!

this was eggy!!! BYE BYE HAVE A GOOD DAYYYY

HELLO!!! GOOD DAY!! i’ve had to say this to too many people recently but im SO SORRY IM JUST REALLY BAD AT REPLYING TO MESSAGES😭

you seem like a massive liability to be honest, eggy., TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF😠😠😭 you absolute twat (/lh) < btw im trying out using tone indicators,, what do we think?

but woohoo!!! have fun playing sports now you’re 100% cleared!!!!!!! safely😠 and i hope you’re okay mentally, love, remember you can take to me any time😚

okay SO favourite dream song: probably dear dream? though FIREFLIES gets an honourable mention BECAUSE (AND LISTEN CLOSELY!!!) THE CAMP THAT THEY CREATED THAT SONG FOR,, THE WORLD SCOUT JAMBOREE??? MY FRIEND WAS THERE!! SHE WAS THERE!! IN AMERICA!! AT THAT CAMP!!

(though she didnt see them live, i showed her the bts clip afterwards she did say that she knew like 90% of the places where they were and i was like 😡lucia🤬) (jk) (kinda)

[inessencedevided]

The Untamed, episode 38 - watching notes

I'm ready for PAIN!!!

*narrator voice* "She was, in fact, not ready."

The bell :'(

Casual sexism aside: I love you, you bitchy asshole :D

Oh! So empathy is basically like legilimency?

Another flashback 😂

Oh she's adorable :)

Oh wow. Even though she just tricked those woman, I can't help but kinda like her :D

Xiao Xingchen looks really creepy with that bloody cloth around his eyes

Also ... why is he blind? 😥

He's also just very kind :')

I have a feeling that he's quite literally too kind for this world. I hate that this show always tells me in advance that things won't end well. Can't you just leave me in blissfull ignorance? :'(

Jing: "you're my dad now", Xiao Xingchen *melts*

Look at them! How can two people be this adorable? 🥺

Oh no ... so let me get this straight. They just picked up Xue Yang and are now going to Ying city ... where we know Xiao Xingchen will die ... anyway I can skip this part and pretend it doesn't happen? :/

I'm really not ready for pain

That's the first time we've seen Xue Yang anything but cocky

But how does Xiao Xingchen not recognize him by voice?

Jing stepped up her blindness game by not flinching at the candy being thrown at her

So ... Xue Yang had a less than great childhood?

Ohhh, he's testing her

And she passed. Smart girl 💚

We've only known her for about an episode, but I'm so fond of her! She's resourceful and shrewd in a way that most people would never expect and she still has an innocents about her. And I feel that she is protecting Xiao Xingchen as much as he does the same for her 💚

It breaks my heart that Xiao Xingchen's seemingly boundless kindness is being taken advantage of :/

I'm honestly not quite sure if Xue Yang doesn't (in some weird way) actually care for Xiao Xingchen? If so, it's twisted and selfish, but ... I'm just not sure rn

They lived together for three whole years?

Song Lan!

The question never came to me before fir some reason, but ... why aren't they travelling together anymore anyway? Didn't they want to form a sect together? 😥

"He looks pretty nice" ohhh, I bet you think that :D

Look at that smile! Knowing that over three years have passed and he and Xiao Xingchen haven't seen each other, I'm wondering, did he look for him? Because he looks so relieved and nervous at the same time here 🥺

What's with this show and *fist clench of reoesserd emotion*? ^^

Oh no, the city looks much less lively than before the three year time skip

They are doing a great job, btw, in giving this whole flashback a really ominous feeling. You know this will end badly. You know the protagonists will be dead in the present day, so you're left always wondering if this is the scene disaster will strike. That feeling is really fraying my nerves right now 😬

Oh no ... this is the scene disaster will strike, right? 😥

What ... no, what's happening?? Why did they skip to song lan being dead already. I want to know what happened!!! 😰

Where did his eyes go???

Okay, we get to know what happened

XIAO XINGCHEN GAVE HIS EYES TO SONG LAN?

First of all: HOW?

Second of all

There are so many parallels and levelse of symbolism here and I know I'm not even noticing half of them right now, much less understanding them fully

Why ... why does this feel so much like a story of doomed lovers?

His blindness ...

This really is a story of doomed lovers, right?

This hurts :'(

Also SYMBOLISM! 😭

Noooo

So ... the reason yi city is so dead and empty is ... because Xiao Xingchen was deceived and killed them all?

That's a whole new level of darkness even for this show

Holy shit

Wow ... and Xue Yang is beyond cruel. The Wens were power hungry and so are some of the Jins. Wwx can be cruel when he lashes out in fury and grieve, the Lan sect (to an extend) is cruel in their strict adherence to the rules and the punishmentthey inflict, but this guy? He delights in cruelty. He revels in it.

Oh no ... oh fuck

He just..

did to song lan

What he did to those villagers?

Oh no

😱😱😱

Xiao Xingchen just ...

Oh Song lan 💔💔💔

Short break, guys I need a moment

That was devastating

Less than an episode of story for these characters and I'm a sobbing mess ...

Song Lan must have searched for years, wanting to reconcile with Xiao Xingchen and he never even git the chance to say word 😰😰😰

I'm just ...

Why? Because of one man's cruelty?

And all the parallels guys!!! 😭😭😭

aaaaAAAAaaargh

Okay, got a grip again

Back in present day

But how did Xiao Xingchen die??? We didn't see that!

For a second there I thought lwj would manage to slit Xue Yang's throat

That was a weird cut at the end of the episode

It's 1:30 am now and I have a uni course over zoom tomorrow at 8, so I can't watch the next ep now 😔

Remember how I asked for Jing's backstory last ep? I WASN'T PREPARED? 😭

@sweetlittlevampire @fandom-glazed @elenirlachlagos @allhailthedramallama @luckymoony @kyrrahbird @i-love-him-on-purpose and @sxnshot as requested 😊

[blackheart-skz]

Ateez as Yanderes.

TW: Mentions of abusive behaviour, toxic relationships, violence, self-harm and other topics that might be triggering.

Note: I am, in no way, trying to romanticize or portray the persons involved as heroes. The behaviour of the characters is not healthy and extremely harmful. If you or someone you know sees such characteristics in someone, do not overlook it. Furthermore, this is a work of fiction. I am not trying to represent the idols through my writing.

Ahhh I'm actually not very good at doing reactions. I feel that for some of the members I did a sort of a mini scenario but then for others it's like a description oof. Hope it's not super bad.

Kim Hongjoong = Over-proctective

- Hongjoong's caring and protective personality was what made you like him and now the same personality makes you despise him

- Hongjoong does not trust you at all

- He thinks you're incapable of doing things without him

- He treats you like a porcelain doll that could easily break

- He has put a lot of restrictions on where you can go or what you can do

- He will not let you go anywhere without his permission or go somewhere without him

- He doesn't trust you with anyone

- People are evil and they could hurt his precious one

- He is very afraid of something bad happening to you

- If you even get a minor cut, he will freak out and will not even let you move

- You do not have the freedom to do anything

- If you ever say that you want to leave him, he will lock you up

- He thinks that you're not mentally strong enough to know what's good for you

- And that's what drives him become your guardian and imprison you in your own house

Park Seonghwa = Dominant/Narcissistic

- Seonghwa has a huge ego

- Rejection is one thing he never accepts

- He expects everyone to worship him and you're no exception

- You wouldn't have been forcibly taken away and chained in his basement had you not uttered the word "no" to his face

- If you do anything that he even feels was disrespectful or if you try to leave him, he will severely punish you

- He sees inflicting pain and other severe punishment methods a way to mold you into his perfect slave

- You have to be really careful to not displease him cuz his anger is unpredictable

- He will reward you if you're obedient at all times

- He also makes sure he is the only person you invest your time and effort in

- He is your master and your life should revolve around him and him only

Jeong Yunho = Jealous/Overly-sensitive

- Yunho started off as the best man ever but then as time passed, the good in him started fading away.

- He started getting jealous a bit too often

- And now it's a daily occurence

- He does not trust you one bit

- He downloaded a tracking app on your phone so that he can keep track of where you go

- You talking to any guy or girl makes him go absolutely nuts

- he threatens people behind your back

- He also twists your words a lot which is rooted from his lack of trust as well

- He thinks that everything you say has a hidden implication behind it

- Like seonghwa, he wants your life to be about him

- He doesn't like you giving attention to anyone else be it a person or a hobby

- So if you want to talk to your mom or write a bunch of poems as a hobby, too bad.

Kang Yeosang = Sadistic/Cruel

- Yeosang was very good at hiding his sadistic side when he first met you.

- He used his charming looks and soothing voice to make you fall in love with him

- Once that happened and you entered into a relationship with him, his true colours started showing

- He slowly started getting both physically and emotionally abusive

- His initial reason was to keep you with him but eventually he started enjoying it

- As much as he loves you, seeing you helpless and at his mercy pleasures him to no end

- He prefers using physical punishments over emotional anytime you disobey him

- He loves seeing you break piece by piece

- But he also likes peppering you with kisses and telling you how gorgeous you are

- which makes him even more scarier

- Trying to leave him is not a smart idea at all

- You try to run away and he breaks your legs

- He will never hesitate to use excruciatingly painful methods to keep you from leaving

Choi San = Manipulative

- Just like Yunho, at first, he treated you like a king/queen

- But then slowly he started becoming a bit too obsessive and wanted to be with you 24/7 and know everything that you did

- He wants to know every single detail of your life

- If you ever try to reject him, he starts guilt tripping you

- He says that you're ungrateful for all the things that he does for you

- Afterall, he did treat you like no one else in the beginning

- Your family and friends slowly start cutting ties from you

- You don't know why but San knows very well

- If you find him being too burdensome and call out his behaviour, he blames it on you instead

- He targets your weaknesses to justify his behaviour and make you feel guilty

- No matter what, he never admits that he's wrong

- If you try to blame him, he starts playing victim

- He makes himself seem so pitiful that you can't help but feel guilty

- If you ever try to leave him, he would threaten to kill himself

- He will make you feel like you're the bad one in the relationship

- And you'll not have anyone to go to either so it's a win for him

Song Mingi = The clingy/stalker type

- Mingi was absolutely mesmerized by your beauty when he saw you for the first time

- He wanted to talk to you but he didn't have the courage to so he just start following you around and keeping track of every move you made

- He found out everything about you from what school you went to to what your pet peeve was before he made a move

- It took him a year worth of courage to eventually talk to you and of course considering how much he knew about you, he also knew what he had to do in order to make you fall for him

- And it worked

- Once that happened, Mingi stuck to you like gum

- Now, he does not leave your side for even a minute

- He wants to be with you 24/7 and sends you over a 100 texts everyday

- If you try to leave him for even a second he'll throw a tantrum and cling on to you to you like a koala

- Has become too dependent on you and you would actually believe him if he says that he would die without you

- coming back to him biting his nails to the point that his fingers were bloody and him literally jumping on you when after you left him alone for not even 3 hours is enough proof for you to believe him

- He has never and never will hurt you but he wont hesitate to hurt others

- He hasn't yet but he surely will if you don't take his threats seriously

Jung Wooyoung = Delusional

- A very dangerous yandere

- but more than that a pitiful yandere

- He isn't able interpret your words or read your emotions

- He mistook your gesture of kindness as an invitation for love

- After helping him once, you started seeing him around a bit too often

- He started talking to you as if you guys were close friends

- You ignored him but he never stopped

- After a while, he started treating you like his girlfriend/boyfriend though you barely knew him

- At that point you realized that this wasn't normal and you needed to do something

- You told you friends and were planning to contact the police

- Wooyoung started noticing how people looked at him weirdly and he thougjt its cuz they were jealous of your "relationship" and want you guys to break up

- You had come to the final decision to report him but before you could, he kidnaped you and locked you up in his house claiming that he's trying to "protect" your relationship

- The more you try to push him away, the closer got

- Be it physically or emotionally

- None of your attempts to snap him out of his imaginary work

- His imagination is too far gone for him to come back

Choi Jongho = The selfish/violent type

- A bit of what you would call a spoiled brat

- A lot actually

- What he wants, he gets

- Even if that means hurting others in the process

- He's a selfish man and he isn't scared to acknowledge that

- Kinda like Seonghwa but not quite

-Unlike him, Jongho is aware of what he's doing

- Seonghwa's ego leads him but Jongho leads his ego

- Jongho doesnt hesitate to get violent either

- You disobey him, he punishes you

- But the fact that he remains calm both before the punishment and after shows that he isn't actually bothered by your behaviour

- He just likes the power he has over you

- To him it doesn't matter if you love him or not, you're something that he admires therefore he has to have you

- No matter what you do, his heart will never go soft and even if it does, it will only be to an extent where he let's you breathe freely

[xxkellsvixen19xx]

I Am Not Living, I Am Surviving Hug Me Michael x Reader

Warnings: this theme deals with depression and thoughts of suicide which could be triggering for some.

A/N: as someone that deals with depression I felt compelled to post this. Michael helps Y/N during her depressive episode, the reader (much like me tends to shut people out especially when things get difficult so I feel this on a personal level). Hope you guys take the time to read this as it is kinda personal for me, thanks guys and please let me know what you think. Note the lyrics used are from Britta Phillips version of the song Drive

//who's gonna tell you when

it's too late

who's gonna tell you things

aren't so great

you can't go on

thinking nothing's wrong

who's gonna drive you home tonight//

I was not alone, that there was someone somewhere who was able to articulate the seething, jumbled, brutal, pre-linguistic, thrashing, writhing, hazing, dulling pounding in my head. It wasn't just me. That single thought was the most important thing in the world to me, sometimes the one thing that kept me alive – a single false note of optimism would have shattered it all for me, left me thinking yes, it really is just me – the words people offer me really are just that, words, the hope they contain utterly irrelevant because they relate to an experience that is not mine.

‘I put on a brave front' it had been so easy to hide how I truly felt, laugh, joke act like I was completely fine. But truth was I knew deep down inside I wasn't masking it would only work for so long. I was rapidly sliding deeper and deeper into a very dark space. My symptoms got worse and soon I found it too difficult to even get up and out of bed in the morning.

‘You feel nothing. You shut down completely. There is no happiness, no sadness, nothing. You feel zero.’ Depression is not something that can be brushed away with a smile, or shooed away with a pat on the back. It’s something more deeper and profound. There’s no gadget to test which person is suffering from what type of depression, and there’s no instrument to measure the extent of depression.

Statistics say that as many as 1 in 4 of us will experience a mental health problem at some point in our lives. That means you know someone—probably several someones—with depression, anxiety, an eating disorder or something else. Isolation can have a crushing effect on a lot of people. Some people thrive on it, but humans on the whole are a social bunch and need to interact with others. When that isn’t possible, it’s easy to feel that the walls are closing in. But honestly all I was good at doing is pushing people away, I am afraid if they get to close if they see really see what I am going through that they might abandon me because it may end up being way too much for them.

I kept a diary somehow it felt safer to write down my thoughts, the one person I should be honest with is Michael but I honestly couldn't bring myself to do it. Would he be hurt? Would he hate me? So many thoughts in the back of my mind I pushed them away. I scribbled furiously in the journal and tossing it aside. Normally I hid it under a loose floorboard in our bedroom but on this night not giving it so much as a second thought I feel asleep journal wide open. Y/N didn't hear Michael when he walked in, he looked at you you were fast asleep. He noticed the leather bound book that laid open by your sleeping form. He didn't want to invade your privacy but something alerted him that something was on deed wrong. He looked at the small paragraph scrawled on the page, his face froze in fear at the words before him.

Dear Michael.

I've been thinking about ending my life. I don't know why I can't talk to you in person, so I bought this Diary in the case that I do end up killing myself you will know why I did what I did and that you cannot blame yourself. Michael you are the reason I am still here. for now. But the voices in my head are so strong and the pain that it is inflicting on me everyday, one more thing and I feel like I won't be able to hold on, but I will for you Michael  I will try my best for you.

Yours Truly,

Y/F/N Y/L/N

Depression is a hole and I'm slowly falling in trying to claw out and everyone I love is just standing there watching. Honestly I wasn't sure how much longer I could keep 'acting’ like I was ok when deep down inside I wanted to end it, quiet the voices leave the pain behind that quite frankly I felt like I was drowning in.

I opened my eyes I don't know how long I had been asleep or even what time it was. I looked to see Michael's concerned expression his piercing blue eyes felt like they had penetrated my soul. There my journal sat in his lap, Michael let out a breath attempting to steady himself. “Why won't you talk to me Y/N, tell me that something was wrong?” I couldn't even open up my mouth to speak it was like I lost all nerve to even respond. My first instinct was to bolt, I sat up quickly turning my body away from him. I wasn't able to even make it to the edge of the bed, Michael grabbed my arm “Y/N please talk to me don't shut me out!”

Michael's breathing started to get heavier as his eyes started to well up. Y/N  looked at Michael, saying nothing. He wondered what she was thinking. Finally, after a few moments, she started sobbing, and she leaned into him. Michael immediately pulled her into his arms, letting her cry on his shoulder, and struggling not to cry himself. ‘I was tired of feeling helpless. I had to do something, anything.’ ‘I remember that exact moment as the one where I started to feel good about myself again, I just wish it could've lasted longer…

There was another moment of silence, this one longer than the last, "I tried to tell myself that you'd get better, that you would get back to normal  but the truth is I didn't know that. I didn't know if you'd get better, you can't keep doing this to yourself Y/N, what if I never see you again! And the thought of everyone else just going on with their lives made me sick! So yeah,I am angry, and I am scared…  I didn't know what the fuck I am supposed to do!" Michael's voice finally broke as tears streamed down his face. Y/N, with tears in her own eyes, finally stood up. She pressed her forehead against Michael's and placed her hands on the sides of his head. ‘But most of all, I knew, come what may, I had at least one safe harbor.’ I looked up at Michael the look was unmistakable.

‘I'll never forget what I saw at that moment, looking into Michael's eyes.’

‘He loved me. This sweet, perfect man… loved me.’

After staring at him for another moment that seemed to last forever, she finally leaned in and kissed him. He quickly began kissing her back. The two of them continued this until it started to grow more heated, with the two of them running their hands over each other, and Michael kissing along the side of her neck.

He pulled back after a minute and looked at her.

"Are you… are you sure this is okay?" he asked, breathing heavily.

Y/N gave Michael a smile.

"I'm sure," I  said.

‘That wasn't entirely true. I wasn't sure, or rather I wasn't sure if I was sure.but I didn't know if that made a difference. I knew I wanted it to be okay this time.’

The two of them resumed, even more passionately this time. They began removing clothes and letting their hands roam over more of more of each other…

‘More than anything, I wanted it to be okay this time. I remember thinking, please, please, let it be okay this time.’

Michael continued kissing Y/N, who leaned her head back as the feelings came over her…

‘But it wasn't okay’

I inhaled sharply…

‘It was perfect.’

2 weeks later…

"How is Y/N?" Gallant ask, suddenly looking at Michael with concern on his  face.

Michael hesitated. He  came here to help Gallant with an issue with his salon , not unload his  own worries onto him. Still, lying to him didn't feel right either.

"I don't know, really," Michael  finally said. "She just doesn't seem to want to open up. I know she's been having a really hard time." Michael gave Gallant  a slight smile. “I think it's just going to take time.” Gallant responded softly.

‘The day were getting... bearable.’

‘So were the days after that, and the next after that.’

‘Michael found me a new doctor. A bit further away, but worth the trip. I was able to open up to her a little.’

‘Still, I couldn't shake this feeling that there was something I was supposed to do, but at first, I couldn't figure out what it was.’

‘But gradually I started to notice something…’

‘...something I couldn't shake once I noticed them.,

‘The signs.’

‘The ones most people didn't see. The ones no one saw in me until it was almost too late.’

Michael  wiped one last tear rolling down his face and closed his eyes.

“Please live for me Y/N," he said, softly. “Stay with me, I love you."

Y/N sighed in relief.

‘All I could do after that was live.’

Michael pulled me close to him tightly I could hear his heartbeat, a steady reminder to live

//Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.//

Mahatma Gandhi

[caasiturner]

Hurricanes and Jon.

Jon Bellion is an extremely talented artist. My favorite album of his is The Human Condition. Every single song is a straight banger, his beats stir up all kinds of emotion, and his lyrics speak to the depths of my soul. My favorite track is, however, Hand of God.  Throughout the song he speaks of his stresses, ex-girlfriends, and the struggle of life. The line that really resonates with me is,

“ I might break

Angry at all the things, angry at all the things I can't change

When you're lost in the universe, lost in the universe

Don't lose faith

My mother says, "Your whole life's in the hand of God"

Nothing has changed, he is the same

"Your whole life's in the hand of God"

That’s hard for me to accept. I can’t see that hand. We sung about it a lot growing up, “He’s got the whole world in his hands, etc, etc. etc.” We talked in Sunday School about how there’s a God who’s got His eye “on the sparrow”. We are told there’s someone who knows our every need. But as an adult it’s really hard to believe.

As I’ve reiterated countless times before I tend to be a doubting Thomas in search of constant reassuarance. A person who needs tangibles, reasons, hard data and evidence. I need to figure everything out, most likely due to never knowing during my childhood. I need to be able to hang onto things, to fully understand. I don’t take things at face value, I research, I make hypothesis and test them, I deduce and find the answer.

But life has a sense of humor.

Every time I start to figure out things the slightest bit, I am humbled, reset, back handed if you will. This year I finally saved my first thousand dollars. Now maybe to you that’s insignificant. For me it was huge. I grew up under the poverty line, and through a lot of sweat and blood, I’ve been paying my own way since I was 17. To finally see four digits in my savings was an amazing feeling.

I struggle hanging onto relationships. I’ve been transparent about this multiple times. It’s been hard getting over my latest relationship mostly because she was nearly everything I thought I wanted. Some days it’s hard to believe there’s something better out there. Or that I am even meant to be with someone. But, after not speaking since summer I finally felt in a good place mentally and emotionally.

Then this week happened.

My clutch in my car is now shot. It’s gonna cost over five-hundred dollars to fix. Everything I worked for is gone in a single day. Just like that.

The girl I felt I had finally moved on from texted me, asking for help. My heart literally dropped and I wasn’t sure how to feel. Anger in the fact you hit me up because you need something. Confusion in why would you turn to me. Eagerness to assist and concern in because I still care for you as a person no matter the past.

I yelled at the sky. I’m frustrated. Angry even. Tired of fighting. Aching for this horrid year of 2018 to be over.

I feel like a ship trying to weather a storm. Every time I conquer one wave, yet another crashes down. I feel like I’ll never get my head above the water, as if God Himself finds a sadistic joy in personally holding me under. I strive and fight so hard, yet all ends the same. Empty. Meaningless. Hopeless even.

I just want to figure this all out. Know what I’m suppose to be doing. Know what I’m doing wrong. Know why everything is a constant struggle. Know why am I even here or what my purpose is.

People say I bless their life all the time. I’m so genuine or so kind or so this and blah blah blah. You don’t know me. You can’t even imagine half of what I’ve felt or gone through. Walk a mile in my shoes and you’d probably trip over the size of my feet. You don’t see my inside world, what I battle every day, or the stuff I see. You don’t see the tortured mind of an artist, the confusion of a twenty-two year old, the anxiety and worry of someone who’s living far above his years, the broadness of my back as I carry countless bags of baggage and multiple burdens (some self-inflicted and some who are by rights others to carry).

You don’t see the homesickness for someone I haven’t yet met. The tiredness of being called “baby” by people who don’t mean it (Shout out my guy Ed Sheeran). You don’t see how lost I am or how badly I want to be found. You don’t see how “I don't want to kill myself because others will get the job of cleaning up my blood from a gun shot, cutting the rope above my head or telling my parents I'm dead. I just want to disappear.”

How’s that lyric go Mansionz?

“...Nobody knows, nobody knows, no one (no one)

You'll never know, you'll never know me,

I wanna believe in religion

But nobody reminds me of God

I wanna believe in what I hear and what I read

But it mostly reminds me I'm lost

I wanna believe that when I fuck it's romantic

But no lovers remind me of love

And I need to believe in moderation

'Cause believers believe in too much

I learned to lie

I learned to lie when I was younger

Tell me somethin' true...”

Yeah. I feel that on a spiritual level.

But.

To live by feelings is to live falsely. Feelings lie. Feelings change. Feelings come and go. What holds us together?

Faith.

A “ Complete trust or confidence in someone or something.”

or

A “ Belief; the assent of the mind to the truth of what is declared by another, resting on his authority and veracity, without other evidence (Webster).

Faith in there being a greater plan. Faith in a better tomorrow. Resting my life and hopes and dreams, without other evidence, into “The Hands of God.” A higher being. Something larger than myself. without seeing the end result. That’s completely counter intuitive my nature.

Maybe Puddleglum from The Chronicles of Narnia states it best in C.S Lewis’s classic The Silver Chair. Our hero is hard pressed, and a witch is doing all she can to convince him to lose his faith in the great lion Aslan and his memories of life above ground. Just as he is about to give over to her power he states,

“  All you've been saying is quite right, I shouldn't wonder. I'm a chap who always liked to know the worst and then put the best face I can on it. So I won't deny any of what you said. But there's one more thing to be said, even so. Suppose we have only dreamed, or made up, all those things-trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself. Suppose we have. Then all I can say is that, in that case, the made-up things seem a good deal more important than the real ones. Suppose this black pit of a kingdom of yours is the only world. Well, it strikes me as a pretty poor one. And that's a funny thing, when you come to think of it. We're just babies making up a game, if you're right. But four babies playing a game can make a play-world which licks your real world hollow. That's why I'm going to stand by the play world. I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan to lead it. I'm going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn't any Narnia. So, thanking you kindly for our supper, if these two gentlemen and the young lady are ready, we're leaving your court at once and setting out in the dark to spend our lives looking for Overland. Not that our lives will be very long, I should think; but that's a small loss if the world's as dull a place as you say.”

Do I have that faith? Faith to believe no matter what lies I tell myself it’s all for a reason? That there is something out?  That this world I currently see is but a shadow, a vapor, a breath, a blip in an endless line of eternity? That there are no accidents, or meaninglessness?

Can I believe that? 

I want to. I am tired of keeping my hands on the Wheel of this ship. I’m tired of trying to keep my ship afloat. I’m tired of trying to do everything from my own power. I’m tired of failing at attempting to run out this storm, keep my sails aloft, or row my own way.

So this is me.

I’m giving over for I have no one else to turn to.

Friends and family can’t help me. Money won’t save me. Running away is a temporary solution. So here is a public declaration. I surrender. I give up. Take this wheel. Beach this ship if you have to.

Just take my life and place it into your hands.