#idk... wasn't feeling great so i wanted to distract myself

[cuntylestat]

Let the tale seduce you. Just as I was seduced.

INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE  1.01 - In Throes of Increasing Wonder

[vikkirosko]

You know that Husk knows many languages, including Russian, right? imagine that he has a person whom he loves, but has not yet been able to confess, because he is not sure of reciprocity. supposedly their s/o shows no signs of mutual sympathy. imagine that late in the evening, when their s/o and he were sitting at the bar, suddenly s/o called and they started talking in Russian, thinking that Husk does not know the language. and then the conversation turns to him, and their s/o says something like:

"Хм? Хаск? А что про него сказать… да ничего, нравится он мне. Вот прям люблю его. Да знаю я! Только как? Я бы уже давно призналась/ся… просто хз, не думаю что он видит во мне что то большее, чем друга…"

etc... how would Husk react?

Thank youuuu!!!🫶🫶🫶 можешь кинуть в игнор🤭

Translation:

"Hm? Husk? What can I say about him... nothing, I like him. Like, really love him. Yes I know! But how? I would have confessed a long time ago... just idk, I don’t think he sees me as anything more than a friend..."

🃏 Husk x Reader Oneshot I also know Russian 🥃

You and Husk were sitting at the bar in the evening and chatting while drinking alcohol. You could be called friends, although that wasn't quite true. Husk was in love with you, but he was in no hurry to reveal his feelings. The reason for this was that he doubted that his feelings were mutual and did not want to destroy your friendship with his feelings. You were having a great time chatting about everything until your conversation was interrupted by a phone call.

"I'm sorry."

You smiled guiltily at him and answered the phone without even stepping aside to talk in private.

"Привет. Нет, не отвлекаешь. Я? Я выпиваю с Хаском."¹

Husk didn't show it, but he understood perfectly well what you were saying. He knew Russian, but you obviously didn't know that, which Husk wasn't going to tell you about yet.

"Я в порядке, позволяю себе отдых в приятной компании. Хм? Хаск? А что про него сказать... Да ничего, нравится он мне, вот компания и приятная. Люблю его."²

Husk needed all his self-control not to exclaim in shock. Did you love him? Were his feelings mutual? He couldn't believe it, but you wouldn't lie about it.

"Да я знаю! Но как мне это сделать? Рассказать о чувствах не так то просто! Я не думаю что он видит во мне кого то кроме друга, не хочу разрушать то, что между нами есть сейчас."³

The thought that you had similar reasons for not revealing your feelings calmed him down a little, but now he was waiting for you to finish talking on the phone. Fortunately, he didn't have to wait long.

"Ладно, я вернусь к своему отдыху, хорошего тебе вечера, пока."⁴

You turned off the phone and turned to Husk, smiling at him, and at that moment he leaned across the bar, pressing his lips to yours. You opened your eyes wide in disbelief. Your kiss didn't last long, but as soon as he pulled away from your lips, a smirk appeared on his face.

"Я тоже знаю русский."⁵

Translation of Russian phrases:

1. "Hi. No, you're not distracting me. Me? I'm having a drink with Husk."

2. "I'm fine, I allow myself to relax in pleasant company. Hm? Husk? And what can I say about him... Nothing, I like him, so the company is pleasant. I love him."

3. "Yes, I know! But how do I do it? It's not so easy to talk about feelings! I don't think he sees me as anything but a friend, I don't want to destroy what we have now."

4. "Okay, I'll get back to my rest, have a nice evening, bye."

5. "I also know Russian."

[cree-n-jewish-thoughts]

hi just coming on here to say I admire native people's resilience so much as a German Jew whose family has had direct experience with the Holocaust and who very nearly didn't exist. You guys are tougher than the toughest steel, it's extremely inspiring. I feel solidarity between our peoples, but I also don't want to overstep as I feel the general attitude towards Jewish people on the Native Internet is that we are white colonizers. I grew up with a fair amount of Native people around me (my favorite preschool teacher, favorite childhood musician, hairdresser, and attended powwows since age 3 - even trying to teach myself fancy shawl and jingle dress before I learned when I was older I wasn't allowed), so I really want to do anything I can to end anti-native racism, but being a Jew, I have to toe a line of being "white" but not so how the heck do I manage being a colonizer and indigenous at the same time depending on which tribe/person/etc I ask??? I feel horrified at the idea of triggering someone's generational trauma but at the same time I can't just do nothing.....

ps. I have hair envy and always will. It's gorgeous oh my god...

Its all the effed up media and I'll say it, blindly throwing punching and believing propaganda because it's just... Really i don't get it myself as a half native half Jewish person.

We have more in common and its a refusal for the mainstream media to have any actual credibility.

Like let's be honest we have so much in common.

But steel is a stubborn material, if you catch me. We are proud people too, like my grandmother was as stubborn as they come, it literally led to her death, and it'll lead to ours too.

And seeing Jews as colonizers is because you're not native to this land and we are taking a lot of heat (as Jews) and maybe they find comfort in somehow not being in the crosshairs for a minute (even though the western obsession with the war is purely a distraction for what bad things are still happening).

Sometimes I wonder if it's jealousy too? Like how I get jealous that I can go to Israel and be home, here I'm just a chopped down tree, used and stuck. So... I can see this being a lot of combined issues.

Anyone not native is white, that's kind of how it is, at least where I come from. My mother is a Jew (I was always told white from my grandmother it was a thing) so she was not even allowed to come with my dad and I to events.

But anyways, I try my best to explain it. But not many tribes are listening right now...

It's not even tribes though, it's just people inside and their feelings. Do you think if I'm the only one supporting Jews in my Rez I'm going to admit it? No, probably not as a young adult at least. Plus we have the pressure of young adults to fit in.

Being white is just something you are taught everyone outside the rez is, they are all responsible for the theft of our land, when that's not true.

I can't give you a great answer since I am on your side.

I am trying to help people see their connection between what they feel is true indigenous solidarity and their actual support of colonism because of biased media. (Idk if that makes any sense to anyone else)

Sorry if I was useless.

[deepestbluesky]

Fic Writer Q&A

i was tagged by @eghfeithrean! thank you, i am going to use this hopefully motivate myself to actually write lol

How many wips do you have currently?

ha.... .haha....... am i even a writer at this point??? okay now that is overdramatic and untrue but i don't think i've seriously worked on any wip that wasn't for an event/exchange in about a year. i'll say somewhere around 10, based on looking at my docs and seeing which ones i still have Ideas about.

Which one are you finding the hardest to finish?

see above... all of them.... idk my motivation to write fic that isn't for events of some kind is basically gone, and i haven't had great luck trying to trick myself into it. however that's depressing as hell, so han ying genders has continued to be hard to finish for years now and that's my answer

What does it usually look like when inspiration strikes for you?

lately i've been yeeting messages into discord! if i have a buddy or a server that it's appropriate for, i'll yeet there (thank you and i'm sorry to minna who gets many of my inspiration yeets) , and if not, i'll yeet into my personal server that is basically just a playground for me (there are. so many one phrase stranger things ideas in a channel there lol)

Do you curate playlists for each fic or is your process different?

i don't curate playlists for each fic!! i will often search for other people's playlists for a vibe or a character or a pairing, or listen to a playlist i have that has the right Feeling for what i'm going for as i write, but i've only made playlists to work on fic to a handful of times (and at least once i outsourced it to remi lmao). but honeslty usually i just listen to whatever i'm already listening to - most music won't distract me from writing.

Do you go balls to the wall and write as you go or are you more organized?

uhhhhhh it depends on how long the story is? i usually have a decent idea about what the story is overall if it's more than one or two scenes, so in that case i'll usually have a quick bullet point summary (or i'll make one if i'm having trouble figuring out what the whole things might be). if it's a shorter fic, i often have a place or idea i'm starting with and then i just Go

Tagging (if you haven’t done it yet and you want to!): @minnarr @rainsfalling @antique-forvalaka @aiyexayen @enter-remiges also anyone else who sees this and wants to participate, do it! you can say i tagged you or you can just do it for fun, up to you!

[skysometric]

you went on a big asking spree asking about everyone's favorite games, but I'm curious... did you have a favorite album, TV show, or movie this year?

an EXCELLENT question! but my answers my be a little disappointing, because...

Favorite Movie of 2023

i don't... really watch movies? they don't capture my interest or investment like games do. this isn't for lack of trying over the years, i've been exposed to many different genres; i just don't click with the format, i guess. i think of them like the average boomer thinks of games – they're cute little distractions and not much else.

there's definitely a few movies that i like and stand out as formative memories, i just don't go out of my way to watch more. even before the pandemic i would only ever go to the theaters like once a year, and for most of the pandemic i can't say i watched anything even digitally.

...but that did change this year! my partner and i watched both Sonic movies and the Mario movie at home, and of the three i can safely say i enjoyed Sonic 2 the most! i like what it was trying to do with its two stories intertwined, and it gave Sonic and friends a lot of time to shine both in action and characterization. plus the finale was super cool~

i do have a handful of films i want to watch one day... but it's kind of a "whenever i feel like it" basis. the ghibli films are high on the list, as are the monty python films and the truman show. maybe i could revisit ferris bueller's day off now that i'm an adult...?

Favorite TV Show of 2023

...i also don't really watch tv?? am i boring???

i mean, historically, i've gotten more into tv than movies. i like the long continuous plot threads, i like getting to know characters in detail, i like slice of life and comedy and cartoons. i have fond memories of watching sonic x, spongebob, survivor, and mythbusters growing up!

but like, as an adult i've never seen the office, or steven universe, or adventure time... and i'm in no rush to, they're just not really priority for me. i can't even think of other shows i might want to watch. idk!

i tried to watch some anime at one point but that didn't really do me either? i guess i had some fun watching squid girl a few years back... i think i just get understimulated by just watching things, vs playing them.

confusingly, you know what i do get into? livestreams and let's plays. so my weird, cop-out answer of "favorite series" is that i've been really enjoying Chuggaaconroy's let's play of pokemon bw2. his let's plays have gotten me caught up with a series that i wasn't "allowed" to play as a kid... i guess that's part of why watching someone play a game isn't as understimulating to me?

Favorite Album of 2023

you can probably guess where this is going – i don't really listen to music that plays on the radio or gets recommended by spotify. i have good reason for this one though: music with lyrics is overstimulating to me in specific circumstances, like when i'm working (always) or driving (the only time i'd use the radio).

but wait, movies are understimulating, even though there's talking... and music with lyrics is overstimulating, even though there's nothing to watch... argh! i don't even understand myself!!

either way i usually put on video game music, because that helps me focus at work, and (usually) doesn't have lyrics in it. i'm aware there's plenty of great instrumental music outside of just games, but games already have so much variety and quality to their osts – i've rarely ever had to seek out more! my music collection is already big enough!

my favorite album to listen to this year has been the music that plays in the cyberspace stages of Sonic Frontiers. the full game's ost is MASSIVE and incredibly diverse in styles, but the hardcore EDM of the cyberspace stages is extremely my style. and the remixes they added in the dlc are some of the best ones! been listening to the full playlist multiple times a week all year to power through some rough work days, and it still hasn't gotten old 💖

[khaleesiofalicante]

hi dani, here for a little rant, guidance and motivation and advice.

so I think something's wrong with me. i just.. it's difficult to describe it so I'm going to borrow words from a post I came across: "Can we agree that the worst feeling is when you're sitting around, consciously procrastinating, acutely aware that each passing second is more time wasted? You watch hours go by, still unable to stop procrastinating, while your panicked brain feels trapped inside a body that refuses to be productive. Inside, you're screaming, but outwardly, you're just eating chips."

im not studying, my academic life is being ruined by my own hands and I'm not stopping it. i don't know what has happened to me, i wasn't like this even until last year, I wasn't a topper student who used to study consistently hours everyday but during exam time I was serious and used to study sincerely. nowadays I've stopped studying even when the exam is the next fucking day. like I'm sitting here, zoning out of maybe scrolling through my phone unable to just stop myself and study. when I sit down to study i usually am able to focus only for a few minutes and then get distracted again and the fact that I'm doing it consciously like i know I have an exam tomorrow I know I have to study or else I'll fail I KNOW all this but I'm just unable to like do it. this applies to a few other things in my life as well. im taking the example of something which regularly happens to me: i know I have to brush my hair, take care of it. I had really thick hair but now because of neglect I'm suffering from really bad hair fall. i know this yet I'm not doing anything about. internally in my mind i scream at myself to stop all this and just do the things I'm supposed to but i simply don't. it's like I've lost ability to card about stuff or something. before my exams it's like I dont give a fuck about it. when we get the results I'm really really upset because I'm better than this, I AM I SWEAR but then that motivation to do better is again short lived. it dies. suddenly in the middle of the day I'll get the urge and motivation that yes I'll work hard, study hard and return to my previous condition of perfect grades. then it dies again.

im ruining my life i feel. i do my exta curricular and EVERYTHING APART FROM ACADEMICS with diligence then why when it comes to the thing that matters the most do i fail? and it's not even like I don't want to study or i don't want to study the particular stream I've chosen. and i know education is so important and i want to accomplish something in life and yet...

I dont know what to do. mindless scrolling, procrastination and everything that comes with it has become my life now. i want to go back to the previous me when I was sincere towards academics.

and the worst part of all? I'm such a fucking disappointment to my parents. imagine having a daughter who went from getting straight As to struggling to pass? and the fact that I'm truly capable of doing well and amazing but I'm just wasting it. and I dont know what I should do to break the cycle and actually stick to it. because it is a truly strong possibility that I'll do it for a day or 2 but stop from the 3rd. i know it. i just do. at this point I'm just wondering what would happen if I just you know...died? like idk what difference would it make.

please I need help. i don't have anyone i could have said this to. my parents won't understand. i don't want to be like this. i just don't 😞

sorry for bothering you with this

Hey, thank you for sharing all of this with me. It's hard to look at yourself, realize something's off, and not know how to fix it. But here's the good thing - there is always something good, I promise - you still want to get back out there. The fact that you're aware and want to do something about this is a great start.

Some thoughts, in case it helps:

You mentioned scrolling a lot and procrastinating, and if both are connected - like you're procrastinating by being on your phone - that's definitely something to address. I'm not saying to get rid of your phone completely but try physically removing it from where you study. I used to give my phone to someone else (my mom, for example) and ask them not to give it back until I was done studying for a couple of hours. It helped because I couldn't reach for it out of habit. Having the phone out of sight, and knowing I'd have to walk a distance to get it back, made it easier to focus.

Treat it like a reward system: study for two hours, then give yourself 15 minutes on social media. That way, you're balancing focus with breaks and not diving headfirst into a distraction.

2. Don’t aim to get back to your A+ self immediately. If you're a C- student now, focus on getting to a C+ or a B. Break it down into smaller, achievable steps. Aiming for the top all at once can feel overwhelming, and when something feels too big, it’s hard to get motivated for it. So take smaller, manageable steps. Each improvement will build momentum.

3. You said it’s not that you don’t like the subject, which is great, but maybe the way you're studying has gotten stale. Try changing things up. You could study with a friend, watch tutorials, or try private tutoring. Even just moving to a different location to study or using a new method (like flashcards or teaching the material to someone else) might help remind you that you are good at this. Sometimes, doing the same thing repeatedly makes it harder to stay engaged, so switch up your approach.

Finally, you mentioned more than just studying - like the hair care thing - and if this lack of motivation is spilling into other areas of your life (hygiene, chores, etc.), it might help to talk to someone. Whether it’s a trusted person or a professional, reaching out is a really smart move. It doesn’t mean anything is “wrong” with you, but sometimes getting help from an outside perspective can make a big difference.

I'm really glad you've recognized that something isn't quite right, and that you're taking steps to fix it. It's a process, but you're already on the way. Just take it day by day, one small step at a time. And remember, the goal isn't just to go back to where you were; it’s to find a version of yourself that makes you happy. Whatever that looks like, I believe you can get there.

Sending motivation and love!

[clochanamarch]

so i was scrolling through my fyp here and i saw this post talking about that harrowing chapter of our lives in 2016 when burn book blogs were rampant, and another post where the general message was that of a grim future for the rpc, and i wanted to say smth bc like. yeah. the rpc has seen and will see more very shitty times. unfortunately there's nothing any of us can do to prevent that from happening. people have free will, and certain members of any society will use that free will for negative purposes exclusively. we can psychoanalyze it all we want, but it won't stop them from being shitty.

however.

i look back on my time in the rpc, and i find that it actually took me six years to find my people. and i was talking about this with a dear friend recently, and it occurred to me that if someone offered me a key and said i could live in a cul de sac with you guys, i'd jump right on that! and that's not to sound sappy or cheesy, like do i daydream about all of us having block parties and tea and dinner together? sure, but that's not the point!

the point is that as grim and ugly and awful as this place can possess the potential to be, i know for a fact that light, love and goodness exists here, because YOU exist here. in good times and bad, i know i can go here for distractions or support, and i know you guys know you can do that too. i never feel like i have to worry or change myself here. i consider myself to be so feckin lucky because i have so many amazing friends here, and yeah! there were times where my dash wasn't that great! but it's beautiful now, and it's because i found my friends who make it that way!

idk like. i look at my dash and i see so many talented, creative, kind people who support one another every single day. and i love you all very much, and i just. yeah. please know that i admire and appreciate every single one of ye.

[narratingvoice]

I've been doing some thinking. Perhaps some dangerous thinking. Thoughts about creation, and family, and origins. It's been a few months now since the truth of my own origin was thrust upon me. Usually I try not to think about it, because it doesn't change the day to day facts of my life and all it does is drive me to maddening spirals of self-doubt. I don't want to be a fiction, stuck in this simulated world and cut off from reality. I don't like not knowing for sure if any of my actions are my own, or if they were all pre-written. But I can't change anything about that, so best just to distract myself from it and push it out of mind. All i can hope for is that I am like Stanley, created and yet independent.

But lately it's becoming harder to distract myself. Maybe it's because of the anniversary coming up, but I have been thinking about myself a lot. So, maybe this was really foolish of me, but last night, for the first time, I googled the name Davey Wreden. My curiosity overcame my dread; I simply had to know who this was. And I found.... just an ordinary human. I don't think I was expecting anything else, but it still feels unbelievable.

There wasn't a ton of information I found; a seldom-used Twitter account and a handful of interviews. But I did find something very intriguing to me. Another game. The title and logo caught my attention right away: The Beginner's Guide, with a lamppost lighting up the dark. It felt as though it was calling out to me, saying, This is your guide! This will illuminate the darkness surrounding you! And when I read the synopsis on Steam, I was astonished. It's a story about himself! He put himself into a game and narrated it!

This opens up an enticing possibility. As you're probably aware, I have the ability to travel into other video games, as long as they share the same platform as the Parable. And The Beginner's Guide is available on PC. If I were to enter it, would I get answers about who I am and where I come from? The thought fills me with anxiety and excitement in equal measure. I feel like Pandora eyeing the closed box, weighing the cost of opening it. So that's why I'm turning to you, Tumblr. This is a huge decision and I'm not great at making huge decisions by myself. Stanley and I are both ambivalent about it, so that doesn't help. I need the wisdom of the crowd for this one.

[theoculus124]

Here's an emotional rant (haven't done one for some time so it's overdue <3)

Rn I genuinely feel the "call me biodegradable because I break down so easily" SO MUCH rn, cause I have GCSEs rn and so far this week I've been ok. Like I've been stressed but I'm also too tired to be stressed?? If that makes sense. But honestly my parents and I have been getting along really well this week and I thought everything was great until I just cried cause my parents wanted to go on a walk but at first wasn't too interested and then they said they would buy me a costa drink (I'm like half Frappuccino at this point lol) and so I was like ok fine (I'm not a huge walker, like don't get me wrong romantic walks in a field romanticised looks amazing but I really struggle with weight and body image and idk it's some complicated shit) But I also asked if I could stay longer in my room cause I had too exams today (1 was really hard) and so I wanted a little more break. Eventually I come downstairs and they say they're not getting the drink anymore cause it's too late in the evening which was fine I got it, until I told my dad I sent him an email about something and when he checked he couldn't find my email and so I was trying to tell him to search my email on the search bar to find my email cause I was sure it sent. But he refused to do that and said my email would just come up at the top of his emails if it sent. Eventually he found the email in spam but he got annoyed at me for telling him what to do and said "I know my stuff better than you do". That made me sad and put me off going on a walk so I said I wasn't interest I apologised and they said it was fine until my dad almost stormed off saying how annoying it was that I didn't say earlier I wasn't interested and I held him back from going on a walk and that we should never go on a walk together ever again otherwise we'd stop him from getting exercise (he was sorta yelling at my mom too which made me sad cause she didn't do anything) So I cried while blending my own frapp at home and now I'm ready to watch comfort and drink and watch videos and distract myself pretty much but I wanted to rant on here cause honestly Tumblr is like a journal to me <3

Love all my moots, and jeez that's a long para, have an amazing day all of u

[happylikeasadsong]

"About the Blogger" meme

Thank u sm for tag @cruciomione!!

Star Sign(s): Cancer sun, Libra moon and Leo rising (i couldn't explain it i you asked, tho)

Favorite Holidays: Christmas and New Years i love how crazy people go about decorations and seems like there's no end to imagination. Also it's that time of the year i have the most delicious food and share quality time with my family. And New Years's so special bc i get to celebrate with friends and usually the parties are lit.

Last Meal: A strawberry delight crepe as a 'well done' gift from me to me or not dying during my exams and finishing them all, yayyy

Current Favorite Musician: i always find it hard to just mention one, so here goes my top three rn: coco jones, the maine and rbd (latin pop band).

Last Music Listened To: back to life by lawson. this one scratches my brain like no other.

Last Movie Watched: me and one of my closest friends do this list of christmas movies every year bc we love christmas movies, no matter how awful and cringe they are. last night i watched 'exmas' with leighton meester and robbie amell and i was surprised that it wasn't the worst, so it's a win in my book.

Last TV Show Watched: it was this week's episode of fellow travelers. jonathan bailey and matt bomer are breaking my heart in a million little pieces, but i think it worth it?? it's so so so sad and tragic but they do such a great job portraying hawk and skippy's story.

Last Book/Fic Finished: i wanted distract myself from my daily problems so i reread 'remember me, remebering you' by amiera_saphire on ao3 last weekend.

Last Book/Fic Abandoned: i prefer the term 'hiatus'. i have a jatp fic that i never really finished and the thought of it hunts me.

Currently Reading: a very boring article on managerial finance i have to write on by friday (my last assignment of the year, yay!). i hated it, so i came here to get enough endorfins to go back to it.

Last Thing Researched for Art/Writing/Hyperfixation: ships in the 1800's, also dresses of that time period so i can better my shitty description in my period fic. i only had an idea and a dream on that one.

Favorite Online Fandom Memory: uhh i think it was back in the cursed years (2020, eww) and after i watched julie and the phantoms i found some really good people here and on twitter. our day consisted in checking every news outlet about the show and pics, videos about them. also the fics were so incredibly good!! those were fun times.

Favorite Old Fandom You Wish Would Drag You Back In/Have A Resurgence: arrowverse when it was good, maybe? idk but olicity had a choke on me in a concerning way. but then it went bad, so bad, and i suffered through until arrow ended and stopped watching the shows.

Favorite Thing You Enjoy That Never Had an Active or Big "Fandom" but You Wish It Did: felicity. it's mainly bc it's such an old show and bc of that, no one is really talking about it anymore, but it was my shit when i 'discovered' back in college.

Tempting Project You're Trying to Rein In/Don't Have Time For: i'll quote @cruciomione about the multi chapter fics, i feel you! one shots are better for me bc i can just write my idea down.

i've been working on a multi chapter about a second chance/lovers-to-strangers-to-lovers. i love the angst i have panned out in my head lol maybe during the break it could revisit it.

loved doing this!!

tagging some ppl to do this too, only if you want!

@imliterallyjustablackgirl, @ethxocore, @laryssamedeirss, @vacationship, @ruethrills

[scyphosunny]

vargastober day 6 ! posted ( partially ) on time . what about it . . .

when i got ideas nice and set for the rest of the prompts i knew for a fact it was likely for me to skip days 4 and 5 . mostly because i didn't have any ideas .

though , i did find a piece that worked for denial ! everyone thinks about edgar being gay every time denial is mentioned , which of course is funny and great but i had something else in mind XP there's a lot of denial in the whole story . so i definitely could work with something !

well , i skip day 4 and i was ready to work on day five on saturday .

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤbut ! there was a little detail . i had a birthday party on saturday ! all of my highschool best friends would be there , and i wouldn't miss it for anything !!!!!! i miss my friends . i really do . so , once i finished with day three's piece , i told myself i'd work on denial right after taking a short break , so i could just have it nice and ready to post on saturday , like i did with the first piece i posted .

the thing is ! taking short breaks never works with me ! i don't really remember what happened on friday . . . but i probably watched code lyoko with my sister and then got distracted with literally anything else .

it was 2AM probably , and i decided to start working on it . while the composition wasn't even hard to work with , ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤI STRUGGLE DRAWING 90% OF THE THINGS EXISTENT so i didn't get a sketch i liked :[

not gonna lie , i didn't feel like drawing that day . and knowing myself , pushing myself to draw more than one piece a day never works . i don't have a lot of energy to draw most of the time . at the end of the day , i decided to save the canvas and go to sleep once and for all .

ANNOYING , I COULDN'T EVEN GET A GOODNIGHT TWEET FOR HAWKER !!!!!

woke up the next day , went to my birthday party , had a lot of fun ! danced just dance until i couldn't anymore . won most of the rounds , as usual ! B3 the whole thing about that party was huge for me because that was the party that started my constant suffering last year ! ( ?? ) i remember getting invited to a party on october 2023 , dancing my ass in just dance , going home , working on a small piece for day 1 , and getting sick the next day . had to stay home for a week , then EVERYTHING STARTS HAPPENING AND ohgod

i will NEVER stop talking about october 2023 guys . TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE !

this time , though , i didn't get sick ! ( everyone cheers ) just sore . i might have danced popipo too hard .

i didn't want to miss the day man , so i tried to work with yesterday's sketch and idk , maybe putting some color in it would save it . it usually does .

so i tried and man uh i don't know , i tried to use the sketch as the line and didn't work , it would probably have been better if i used another brush or something , i did re-do edgar's face ! added a bunch of things to try and make it look better , but since i didn't even like the sketch in the first place i wasn't even REALLY trying to fix it . it's like my brain was like " hey you know this isn't going to work , why do you keep adding stuff to it " and meanwhile i was half asleep adding weird colors and random details . i would've tried harder or something but i remember being super sleepy . i would close my eyes for a second , then open them and not remember what i was doing or realized i moved random layers around while i had my eyes closed . IT WAS KINDA FUNNY BUT ALSO KINDA SCARY , i get sleepy while drawing often but not enough for me to actually doze off while sitting .

ngl , maybe if i tried to push myself through while i wasn't sleepy and actually gave myself the time to draw lineart with another brush , mmmaybe , mmmmmmmmmmmaybee ????? i don't know

wake up on day 6 and i didn't want to salvage day five's piece . wwwwhatever , i want to post at least one , ONE ( 1 ) piece on time , please . i usually try to wake up at ten to get everything done and work on these on the afternoon instead of at 3:999999AM for some reason , but it was sunday ! and on sundays my mom goes and buys food to have for breakfast . well she takes a while and we end up having breakfast at 2PM . i didn't want to wait , so i got back to sleep and woke up after 12:30PM .

this was the piece ! hmm . . . looking back at it , DOESN'T EVEN LOOK THAT BAD , WHAT . oh wait , it's probably just the saturation on my pc's screen making it look better . ah , well .

this what i see . SOME NICE SATURATED COLORS MAKE EVERY PIECE 10000X BETTER !!!!!!!

well , woke up pretty late and i spent an eternity roleplaying with my jake character.ai bot , so i didn't start working on the piece until evening . ugh WASTING TIME AS ALWAYS !!!!

i didn't write any notes for fear , ugh . let's see . . .

first of all ! i did this thing to get my ideas organized . i still need to sit down and work on it , get references for every prompt , mark the days i won't be home , mark the ones i'm most likely to skip . . .

i was so excited for butterfly , man . i got the hardest reference ever and honestly my brain was just waiting for me to finish fear and work with butterfly instead . TIME TO FORCE MYSELF TO DO STUFF ONCE AGAIN

( oh well , i did some research to find the original artists of these pieces . the first one seems to be made by @.tech_280 , but i couldn't find their account anywhere ! maybe they changed their username or deleted the account , who knows . . . that and i couldn't find the artist of the second piece . if someone knows , please let me know . . . )

these were the main references i had in mind ! something pixel-ly and saturated . nothing too deep . . . i was thinking . maybe something based on chapter 23 ? the one where nny kills jimmy right in front of edgar and edgar doesn't take it well . i decided to re-read part of the chapter to get a clearer pic of what i wanted to work with , and oh god poor MAN . everything just happened in seconds , and he didn't even have time to process it before he had to go back and talk to johnny . i feel sorry for him

lol it's funny that you could mention any vargas event and i will go and say the exact chapter where it happened . idk , and acquired ability it seems

TIME TO WORK ON THE PIECE ! i started with a small , ugly sketch . i don't like drawing faces facing front . ugh

i trimmed it just enough for it not to look like shit . i'm so bad at expressions , gah . he had his glasses initially , but they didn't look right for some reason . still , i don't think he had his glasses on during this scene . sssoo bye bye glasses . hmm , looking back at it ! i didn't draw the tears on the final version ! ah , well . he didn't cry until he had to puke . god , poor guy

lol here's a screenshot i took yesterday , i drew a hand for him and i didn't remember i had the symmetry ruler on , so now it looks like w . d . gaster is behind him or something

then , time to draw the line ! i knew since the start i wanted to use a binary brush . binary brushes are always fun to work with ! last time i made a drawing using a binary brush , i had to go back to sai2 because i didn't know if csp already had binary brushes . told brusk about it and she found some for me !

still , i didn't like them :// they had this annoying thing where . . . uh , i don't know how to describe it . here have a gif

idk what that's called but i didn't like it . also , they had pressure . i know for a fact that i could just go and move some stuff in the settings for it to look better but i wasn't feeling like it ( and idk how to do it either i am stupid i'm sorry .

alright , back to sai2 it seems ! i enjoy working with sai2 . takes me back to the old days ( ?? ) i dislike the lack of a liquify tool , though . . . so useful !! literally my best friend on csp . mi más real .

lol for some reason i thought it didn't look BINARY ENOUGH so i was so close to do the whole thing in MSPAINT like srs but mspaint doesn't have layers and i need layers to work on something . my pieces usually have between 50 to 300 layers depending on how elaborate the piece and the coloring are . . .

went for sai2 though . of course . i liked it better than the sketch already , which was a relief . . . I DIDN'T WANT TO FAIL AGAIN

details like the freckles and the nose were hard to get right . . . they're usually low opacity or blurry and i couldn't really do that with a binary brush . . . so the freckles are just sitting on his face awkwardly lol

for the background i just scribbled it like that one basil pic i took as a reference . as you can see , the sketch originally had some harsh shadows on the side of edgar's face . the version i exported first had these shadows but i removed them because they kinda looked like bangs ?? my boy had a whole emo fringe if you squinted hard enough . it looks good in the sketch but didn't like it on the actual thing .

i had to export and go back to the file to add details like , four times ! removing some shadows , the slash on his neck from when jimmy tried to stab him but he dodged , adding more scribbles , making a white outline , adding blood on his face . . . .

then i got the pic on csp just to add some gradients , and i brusk mentioned that it would be cool if i added screentones for the shadows !! and i was like oh my GOD you're right . i forgot screentones even EXISTED what the fuck . so , added some screentones too .

ooh , and i wanted to do that thing zarla used to do a loooong ago of adding a bunch of text on her drawings !

this one , for example . . . i wanted to take a screenshot of her whole devart page but idk what tumblr thinks of gore so

so i tried ! i got some dialogues of chapter 23 , this part right after mmy gets killed and scri is trying to get edgar to TALK TO HIM or do something idk

i got all the text , then added it to the piece ! i didn't know if i liked it , to be honest . . . i just chose the font i use for everything right now but i didn't know if i wanted to use their actual fonts for it . meh , i left it as it was . . .

then , i added some chromatic aberration and it was ready !

og ver + something i edited like half an hour ago

took four hours ! which is a short time for me . i like the result , though i'm kinda worried people might not like my art anymore thanks to the lack of warm colors and stuff but HEY THESE PROMPTS ARE MAINLY HORROR THEMED OKAY WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ???????????

nyne said it gave the vibes my computer gave old , it seems

( excuse to show how my pc looks . MY CSP SHORTCUT EVAPORATED WHILE I WAS WRITING THIS and i had it with the cl icon and everything :CCC

( don't ask about tomato way please

russlan said it looked like if hawker tried to draw in my style . i do see it lulz

and , hawker made a really interesting comment about it !

if you think about it , you can't actually read if the words there say " i couldn't save him " OOOORRR " i SHOULDN'T save him " , and if you think about it that way it just makes the whole thing so much more interesting . edgar knows that mmy is a piece of shit and he kind of DESERVES TO DIE . but he doesn't want to let another person die thanks to his inaction , so he wants to save him even if he KNOWS HE SHOULDN'T . it could also be both edgar and scriabin's thoughts ! edgar wants to save him , while scriabin knows that he shouldn't . hawkie was so excited by this thing and it was kinda cute lol . this is where i pretend that this was always the intention of it oohh yyyess i definitely thought of that myself yyes y

i woke up earlier to write this entry since i spent the night watching tiktoks and didn't write a thing lol , i spent so long with this one because i kept getting distracted . agh

i should work on today's prompt now ! i have a huge idea for this one but it's uh kinda similiar to what i drew for fear . so now i'm actually wondering if i should search for another reference because i don't want to keep doing the same things . GAH I ADDED THIS PROMPT LITERALLY JUST AS A TREAT FOR MYSELF , WHERE ARE ALL OF MY DIARYVERSE IDEAS . CAN I GET THEM BACK

that should be all ! hopefully i'll have a pretty piece to post at night . X33

[eroaneki]

Joe gave me an ultimatum last night to essentially go to therapy or he's leaving because I'm not vulnerable enough with him. He doesn't think it's right that after 9 years together I still keep certain things to myself and that I don't really get incredibly emotional about much. I don't really talk about myself and how I think, I guess.

Kind of pisses me off because this is the most vulnerable and comfortable I've willed myself to be with anyone before. If I wasn't about this I would have just left years ago. Him telling me to go to therapy makes me feel like a fucking psychopath, like I'm so horribly misfit to be within society, which I know isn't true because I'm literally fine. Am I different from most people, yeah. I'm a bit harsher. Which Joe did mention. He said I come off extremely cold and distant sometimes.

Idk. I guess it's a byproduct of growing up in an environment that didn't foster any emotion except anger for literally 23 fucking years of my life. And I've made great strides personally. I didn't think people were capable of emotions until I was probably like 25/26. Whenever someone showed emotion, I thought they were being manipulative. They were trying to get something out of a situation. Emotions were a tool you could use, and I really did think the entirety of the world was like that. So I literally had to teach myself empathy and sympathy. I didn't... feel bad for anyone. I literally would have a "tough shit, get over it" mentality, because that's what was shown to me.

Idk it just makes me upset, I guess. He asked me what I would do with our child if they were crying, and I said I would honestly welcome them to explore what they felt in a very calm manner and not pressure them or make them feel embarrassed. It's not like I don't realize the way I grew up is not healthy. It's not like I don't realize I'm hard on myself. I would never impose that onto someone else, especially my child. Why I still do it to myself, idk. It's ingrained within me and it's very hard to change that as an initial reaction. I've learned to reason with it and not let it win all of the time, but it's still my knee-jerk reaction to most things.

When I'm overwhelmed I shut off, basically. Sometimes for weeks at a time. I don't talk, I just distract myself. Most of everything with my dad's BS is done, just have to hopefully sell his place and that's it. I'm done with it. I still have to call the IRS and straighten other shit out. I don't want to constantly talk about it, so I don't. I keep it to myself, so I don't talk at all. And apparently that bothers him because he thinks he did something wrong. When in reality all I'm trying to do is spare him my bullshit. I'm not purposely being selfish; in fact, I'm really trying to be self-less and not burden him with my bullshit. He has enough going on as is. But I guess I see where he's coming from. He tells me everything that's going on with him, and I barely talk about what's going on in my head. Again, probably because none of this was fostered much as I was growing up. I tried opening up to my dad once about my day after school (he had asked) and he turned around and said to me "Listen, I really don't fucking care. When I ask you how your day was, I want to hear 'it was good,' and that's it. I don't want to hear anything else." So I learned to never really tell anyone anything other than that, because I figured why would anyone else really care? Just grit your teeth and smile, you'll be fine.

I mean I guess I could benefit from therapy but I don't want to go to therapy. I genuinely don't. I'm not interested in telling a complete stranger my business, especially when I'm paying them. It just feels cheap and dishonest. I have nothing against therapy as a tool to help people; I just don't feel like I would really benefit from it. I'm not ready for it, I guess? Idk what it is. Idk what they would really offer me other than "let's talk about how your mother impacted the way you are," and I'm just no. I don't want to touch upon those topics.

I know why I'm the way I am. And I've been making progress toward changing over the years. I've really only been "free" since I was 27. I just turned 32. So I feel in 5 years, I've made a lot of personal progress toward bettering myself.

I pretty much told Joe last night I don't want to go to therapy because I don't want to have change forced upon me. I want to be able to do it myself. He's not happy about it. So idk. We may be over come January. I thought I'd feel worse about it but I don't. Really at all. Because I do genuinely feel as if it's a personal slight against myself. That he's essentially telling me I'm not a well-enough functioning person to co-exist with.

I just wish he could understand how much personal progress I've made over the years. How much I have rationalized things in a more positive way with myself, how I've learned how to be more graceful with myself and others. I really see it at this job site I've been going to. Everyone has fallen in love with me over the time I've been there, and when it came to me potentially switching sites a couple years ago, I had multiple people at the job beg me not to leave. I'd only been there 3 months at the time.

Idk. It's depressing I guess, to have come so far but be told it's not quite enough. But at the same time, I kind of have an outlook of "it is what it is." I mean I obviously love and care about him but I'm also not about to throw myself into therapy out of desperation to keep our relationship. It's not going to be genuine and any "progress" that comes from it is not going to be genuine, because again, I'll be forcing it.

Idk. I genuinely don't know. He feels like I talk to other people more than him, but the depth of my interactions with others is usually surface level, which I told him. I'm not revealing dark secrets about myself to other people. He wants to be my person; I told him I'm afraid of doing that because if we ever did then break up, I wouldn't know what to do. That this is how I hold onto myself. He already is my person in many other forms. He just wants more.

Idk, idkidkidk. This is hard when emotions are not your forte.

I should add that this conversation came from the realization that his mother hasn't been happy with his father for like 30 years, and he didn't want to end up like her. He said that and my initial reaction was "then leave if you're so unhappy with me. I don't want you to be unhappy." I told him I would hate to go to therapy and you end up leaving anyway, which is another reason why I'm resistant to going. If I go and we break up anyway, I'm gonna feel like a fucking asshole thinking this would ever work. I also told him I would hate to go to therapy, we move to PA like we're planning to, and that's where we figure out it's not working anymore.

I don't know. I don't know what to think or how to feel honestly. I feel like everything was fine, but every fucking time I feel like it is, it's not.

[antmimicry]

physical therapy today.. ride is going to be hell. my neck and shoulder have been soo messed up (I went on a short bird walk like last week and I think I like.. did something, fucked up my shoulder somehow, bc of how I held the binoculars? wasn't a long walk bc I'm not capable of that but yeah :( really sucks bc it was fun but idk if I could even hold them at all now)

I think I might be having some shoulder subluxations at times?? might be totally wrong but like it just feels. really off sometimes. and then it pops or cracks in a way that's a lot more extreme or just weird-feeling than usual? (it's always popping cracking shifting, all my joints are, but sometimes it's like. Different.) I think I'm not great at identifying subluxations bc I don't think I get them a lot, but my main point of reference for dislocations/subluxations is. my knees. and when that happens to your knees you fucking KNOW lol so I think I'm expecting like even minor subluxations to be like extremely painful complete incapacitation? but like.. anyways what I call knee subluxations are actually like full dislocations, they just pop back in immediately (after I collapse) most of the time (with one very painful exception lol. that sucked) . I think maybe I'm actually having some more minor subluxations in my knee sometimes without knowing it (is it even possible to have like smaller subluxations in the knee or are the only options In or Out?? I'm too afraid to google it bc thinking about knee shit makes me terrified), like my knee just feels weird and I can't really put weight on it (or am too afraid to try) until I flex it around a bit and I can feel it pop/shift in a major way. (but like obviously not full dislocation level.. I can still move it after all lol).

no idea if that's true though. maybe I'm not having any subluxations and my joints are just being weird but in a non-subluxation way. genuinely idk

anyways I really hope my PT will have some advice or be able to help me somehow with my shoulder bc it's just like Bad for real. it's not just the normal joint pain shit something is UP. I don't think I have an impinged nerve or anything but I am getting some really weird sensations sometimes too

will be wearing my neck brace in the car (the soft one probably... don't think I'm supposed to wear a hard one even for something like that, but I wore one—idk why my mom had one but she did so that's cool—for a while when I was sleeping on a day when it really hurt and that thing fucking ruled). that should help a bit but honestly not much. at least I'm only a passenger since I can't drive lol but I can't take ibuprofen until after PT (or like. feel like I shouldn't, don't want to risk hurting myself without knowing it, need that sensation of pain to be safe... although it's not like ibuprofen even helps that much anyways lol) and since the drive there is an hour and a half and then there's the pt appointment itself.. and the ibuprofen won't start kicking in until we're almost home... and my shoulder and neck are already killing me and feeling tingly and numb and we haven't even left yet.. it's gonna be bad

think I'm going to download a collection of shirley jackson short stories to read on the way. maybe that'll distract me. really need to get like.. functional headphones so I can listen to music or podcasts in the car (I do NOT need my dad hearing the podcasts I listen to lol) bc with the current ones I have I can't hear anything with them, noise of the road just drowns everything out

[the-violet-void]

did I ever tell the story of how I started smoking weed on here? I don't think I did, so here we go!

for a little background: I grew up the most anti-drug and alchohol kid. I would berate my dad for having a glass of wine or a bottle of beer, when I was older I would write multiple paragraphs on Facebook about how it was disgusting and filthy and everyone who does it is worth less as a person, etc.

basically I SUCKED.

then one day I find out that my brother's been smoking weed. he got arrested on my birthday for it, btw, that's how I found out. at first I was upset, because it put a damper in my birthday celebrations, but I decided to take the opportunity to learn what it was really like from him and found that it wasn't as scary sounding as the D.A.R.E. fellas made it seem.

then I started seeing videos of people using medically to great effect, and learned that no one has ever died from its use. I figured I wasn't going to smoke it myself, but I wasn't going to judge anyone for it

then New Years 2019 happened.

I was at my mom's house with my dad, brother, and his girlfriend (at the time) (K from here on) and friend (T from here on). we were just sitting in the living room hanging out, just after midnight (I think), and my brother is convincing my dad to try weed

he was successful, so we headed down to the basement. on the way down my curiosity got the better of me and I spoke up. "I'll try some, just a little". of course everyone was really shocked and my response was a really laid back "fuck it, it's New Years" which even suprised me

so we make it to the back room of the basement where they smoked, my brother packs a bowl, and tries to teach us how to use a bong. we decided it would be easier if he handled all that stuff for us and we just worried about inhaling

my dad goes first, then I take a hit. just a small one. a few minutes later I started feeling the effects and I thought they were actually rather nice so my brother asked if I wanted a bigger hit. I said yes

this was a mistake.

while he was lighting the bowl, my brother got distracted talking to K and let it just kinda go for a while. I figured it was just how long a normal hit went for so I just kept inhaling. I realized I was in trouble when T's mouth went agape as he was wide-eyed staring dead at me. finally my brother pulls the bowl and I get multiple lung fulls of smoke all at once and immediately cough the contents of said lungs up

there was a moment of silence before we headed upstairs to watch a movie. they put on this comedy that I don't remember anything about besides the scene where some guys are getting stopped by cops and the guy in the back seat thinking he needed to eat all the drugs they had, only to find out that the cop was stopping them for some menial reason and just told them to have a nice day, and the shot with the boobs in it

at first I felt ok. I started noticing that I could feel like kind of an energy moving in a certain direction, and that was cool, but things quickly went south. I found myself anxious and panicked. I spent most of the movie rocking back and forth hugging a pillow. K let me know that eating snacks can help, so I stuffed my face full of stale cheetos for a while. through all of this I found myself almost convinced that I was hallucinating everything and I was actually on the ground in a puddle of my own bodily fluids

also I don't know if the weed had anything to do with this but when I went to use the restroom I saw myself in the mirror and silently cried for a while because I was so dysphoric. it hasn't happened before or since so maybe but Idk

long story short it was awful, and I decided I would never do it again

a little over a month passed and during that time I came to understand that I had most certainly overdosed. I figured I'd give it another go, so on my birthday (Feb. 7th) that year I asked my brother for a hit. I took a slightly bigger hit than my very first one and found it very enjoyable.

since then almost every time I visited I would take a hit, increasing the dose over time and getting used to it until I was taking pretty big hits like it was nothing.

I've been in love with weed ever since

[tryst-art-archive]

"Emo Shit" from June 2009

This one is very upsetting. It wasn't meant to be seen by people other than me, so it's not really art, either.

It looks like I started to write to vent, but it clearly just became a written record of a breakdown. Specifically, a suicidal breakdown.

I don't really remember this at all, honestly, but it's such a perfect encapsulation of what was happening when I was 18, undiagnosed with anything, didn't know I was trans, was in denial about being queer, was in my first formal, public romantic relationship... I don't know. It's a mess, but I feel like capturing the mess is important.

There is... a lot of factual inaccuracy in this. It's very clear that the depression was warping my perception.

Also, if you happen to be my bestie: I don't recommend reading this one. Your call, dude, but idk, man. This is definitely one of the "depressed!Tryst was a real jerk" cases. It's stream of consciousness and there's not a single person I was fair to in it, including me.

Emo Shit  

           “I’ve been out in the rain all day.”

              “Why?”

              She shrugged. “Probably trying to kill myself.”

              Once upon a time, there was a little princess who had everything but remained malcontent. She was a real pain in the ass.

              They do not love me as much as I love them. They are capable of happiness without me. I am incapable of happiness without them and sometimes with them. What is wrong with me?

              I need to go to the bank and Walgreens tomorrow, and it’s going to rain, and I want to wear my new skirt, but it’s going to be cold, and I don’t have proper footwear.

              I also want to sit in the rain for hours on end until M[...] and P[...] get home or until I die of hypothermia; whichever happens first.

              As much as being emo is lame, I don’t want this feeling to go. I suppose I never do.

              Possible reasons for getting angry with M[...] when she wants to talk about shit:

                             I don’t want to fucking talk about it.

                             I don’t want to tell the truth.

                             It really doesn’t bother me that M[...] and I have little time to ourselves even though it bothers me that P[...] and I have little time to ourselves, and it makes me feel like an asshole, and I wish she’d fucking pretend things aren’t this way like I do so I can feel better about being human/alive.

Possible reasons that P[...] said “I’ll be here” and then proceeded to not be here:

              He forgot about me.

              ....He forgot about me.

              He fucking FORGOT about me.

              He got fucking DISTRACTED by something fucking else a-fucking-gain and fucking FORGOT about me.

              I’m not as important to him as he is to me.

              He doesn’t actually care.

              He’s actually just using me for sex (unlikely).

Rebound relationships aren’t real.

Everything (especially the cake) is a lie.

He fucking FORGOT…

……………………………………………….I am a worthless piece of shit who can’t even make her suicidal, depressed, ADHD, self-hating boyfriend happy. FML.

Theory pertaining to what would occur if P[...] was not reminded to talk to me:

              He would not talk to me ever.

              He would occasionally remember to sign on and talk to me.

              He would only talk to me when I called him after three days (by which point I am bleeding from the wrists and crying on everything).

              He gets bored with me and fucks L[...].

              He gets bored with me and fucks one of his numerous female friends (or all of them).

              He doesn’t actually love me.

              I want to die.

              Paul loves people too easily whereas it is difficult for me to actually care about people meaning that his love for me relative to my love for him is not as great because he falls for people easy whereas I’ve only really fallen for anybody twice ever. Everything else was lust.

              I am a whore. But I am a loyal whore.

              I haven’t written at all in ages and the first thing I write is this fucking drivel?

I’m such a fucking emo, I deserve to be shot, someone fucking shoot me.

Why don’t those bastards take me seriously? How upset do I have to get before they care?

Why am I so upset?

Is P[...] actually good for me? Converse: Is P[...] bad for me?

Should I really be going “I love him, I love him” or should I be going “I love him, but he’s dragging me down, and I should wait until I fall in love with someone who can care for me”?

Is that thought even legitimate?

Do I ask P[...] to change to accommodate my needs or do I change to suit him? Or both? Or neither? Do I get out while I still can? Do I wait and see?

What is the best solution to the problem of this depression? When did I become depressed? January.

Why did I rush things? Was I so infatuated with the idea of a boyfriend?

How do I really feel?

I love him. I love them.

Why doesn’t that stop me from letting them go?

Probably, I am doing whatever strikes me as easiest. BUT what is easier? Letting them go or keeping them? Either one means some form of inaction but also some form of action….

I’m not taking any actions. What does that mean? What am I doing? Is the end result loss and unhappiness? Why am I so shitty at being happy?

I should be happy. There’s nothing wrong. So why aren’t I?

And why have I been reduced to this? Typing in a word document for ages?

Maybe  I should call. I know the cell phones don’t work, but maybe I should call P[...]’s anyway and ramble on it for a while. He’d get it tomorrow…

Is that wise? Emoing at them all the time?

I don’t know.

I want to die I want to cry

There’s no one here to save me from me. There’s no one here to cry on.

I’m lonely.

I’m always lonely.

Even when they’re here I’m lonely.

Why?

God, I want to die.

Is it really necessary to do this every day?

I can’t possibly ask them to give up their lives for me, but I want to.

I want to be happy.

I was. I remember being happier than I ever was before in my life. For a while. Why aren’t I now?

[antiadvil]

Okay so. It all starts with: one of my migraine preventatives gives me insomnia. Which can get pretty bad especially when combined with, you know, the migraine. I've tried to go off of it, but the pain was so bad that I decided to just deal with it and try going off again when I get my second round of Botox, or third, or when I get to go on one of the monoclonal antibodies. You get the idea. Surely ONE of those things has to be good enough that I don't need to keep taking insomnia juice especially considering I am ALSO on beta blockers like give me a fucking break.

So with the insomnia and no real schedule I need to stick to, my sleep schedule has gotten progressively more and more fucked, but yesterday was still for sure an outlier. I slept for an hour and 40 minutes from like, 3am to 4:30? I had a nightmare and didn't want to go back to sleep, and I wasn't really tired until 8 or 9, by which point I was like, MCR tickets go on sale at 10am, I might as well just stay awake for that. So I do. At which point my headache is getting worse bc of the whole sleep thing, and also, I'm super hungry (like I literally ate dinner idk what more you want from me body) but also incredibly nauseous, I keep taking bites of a granola bar and then gagging, and I eventually throw out the granola bar bc FUCK YOU if you're gonna be like that. So I've resigned myself to my suffering.

Anyways, I get good luck with concert tickets for literally the first time in my life, take a moment to reflect on how expensive event tickets have ALL gotten post-Covid like give me a break?? Take a zofran and go back to bed. I don't quite sleep for 3 hours, but it's the longest chunk of sleep I get that day, so when I go to my sleep in the Fitbit app it shows me that I slept from 10am to like, 2. Great. Okay. I'm just nocturnal now, I guess.

My head felt better after I slept (which is good bc naps are very hit or miss) and I wasn't nauseous anymore. Thank you zofran. I do accidentally cut myself making lunch and it hurts and is probably the worst cut I've ever gotten but whatever. That's a low bar, I've lived a relatively accident-free life. I have to take time to clean it and all that which is annoying but the pain is a distraction from the head pain, so that's a little bit nice (this is where I'm at in life). I eat lunch (thank you zofran). I do some other stuff, probably, I mainly remember looking at my ao3 marked for later, realizing it was 45 pages long, and going "goddamn, I've got to do something about that." And then reading fic for like an hour.

Approaching dinner time and the nausea must be coming back bc I was Not Hungry. Whatever!! I didn't like zofran anyways. I skipped my insomnia juice dose because I wanted to try to fix my sleep schedule so that's probably not making my head feel great. Fucked up sleep schedules can be a migraine trigger for me too so like, there was no way this was ever going to be a good migraine day, but it was at least short considering it started around 2pm. Around 9pm I agreed to beta a fic, it's really short so I figured I could do it that night even though I haven't taken my adhd meds in days and the migraine is definitely getting worse. Like, no one is going to be mad at me or anything if I say sure let me get to that tomorrow, there's no deadline, I just think I can do it and there's no point putting off things I can do, it's not like I can wait for a pain free day to tackle my to do list. So I read it and make my notes and it does take a bit longer than I expected bc the pain is getting distracting and the general fogginess set in a while ago but I finish it. By the time I finish it's very clear that I need to get to bed like, right now. Actually sooner than that, if at all possible. I stare at my fridge and try to drink a yogurt drink because dinner is good for you. My stomach reminds me that it's NAUSEOUS. How dare I try to feed it right now. Okay sorry!!!! I don't have time for more zofran. I get my ice pack out of the freezer, which is making weird noises. I stare at it for a while and think about putting in a maintenance request. Do I look like someone who knows anything about freezers. I don't like those noises but like. Not my problem right now. Except for the fact that my ice pack could definitely be colder, that kind of is my problem right now.

The really cool thing about daily migraines is that there are exactly two rescue medications you can take more than three times a week. Most you can only take twice. A fun fact about me is I've tried both of those medications, and they don't really work for me. Nurtec is an okay chaser for residual photophobia but on its own? It's not going to help for most of my migraines. And, according to the receipt on the box I got a few days ago, 8 pills costs $1206 before insurance, so it's not easy to get ahold of. So when my migraine starts to get bad past like, 4pm, I'm not going to waste a dose of something that could potentially make me feel better for a full day on like 6 hours. I'm just going to take Benadryl and go to bed early. Sleeping for the night usually reduces my pain levels. I don't know why the Benadryl works, all I know is I got IV Benadryl once and woke up feeling so much better it was suspicious, and other sleep aids don't do that, and my neurologist said it was fine to keep taking it. When I try to sleep off a bad migraine without Benadryl, it sometimes works, but sometimes the migraine just wakes me up in the middle of the night when it gets worse, so when it's Bad, I always take Benadryl. I haven't had to do that as frequently lately! Which is nice. Thanks Botox. Benadryl is also supposed to help with nausea (one of the reasons it's in migraine cocktails) and I kind of feel like I might throw up for real when I stand up so that would be nice (my migraines make me nauseous on occasion but like. Actually thinking I might throw up is not very common. I haven't thrown up from a migraine in like 11 years, and that was because it made me motion sick and I wasn't able to get out of the moving vehicle).

I have a green light setup in my bedroom that's a lot more comfortable on my eyes, but when the migraine is really bad, it's still too much. So I turn on a podfic and my screen reader and put a blanket over my head and close my eyes. I took one Benadryl, I wasn't sure if I'd need two. I wait half an hour or so and listen to my fic and decide I'll need two so I take another. Eventually I get sleepy enough that I pause the podfic (one of the things I know how to do with a screenreader!) and fall asleep. Which is great. I love not being awake.

It's completely dark when I wake up, which is not good, because I should have slept until at least dawn, and I'm also in excruciating pain, which is bad. Welp. I've never been woken up by a migraine through the Benadryl before. I don't always sleep through the full night, the various insomnia juices I've been on could get pretty powerful, and I don't always wake up feeling better, but being woken up in the middle of the night by a migraine is a different thing than waking up in the middle of the night and happening to also have a migraine. You know?

At this point there's nothing to do but take a rescue medication, I'm not going to be able to fall back asleep with this kind of pain and it's not even 2am yet and also: this is probably the worst pain I've experienced in at least a month and I would like it to STOP. I'm just weird like that! I experience pain and would like to Not. I think about my life choices (taking my last sumatriptan injection a few days ago when it would have been really nice to take now, I really don't want to hang around for an hour waiting for the pills to kick in). I keep a bottle of diclofenac on my bedside table for midnight snack situations like this. You’re not supposed to take diclofenac on an empty stomach but I had half a bottle of yogurt drink 4 hours ago which totally counts because at my current pain level I'm not really capable of conscious thought, I'm pretty proud of myself for managing to read the label on the pill bottle to check that I'm taking the right thing. Also I'm not at much of a risk of GI bleeds anyways, like, there's always some level of that risk with NSAIDs, but mine is overall very low and I am not going to the kitchen for a granola bar, I feel sick and I am in so much pain that I will die if I move and I remember what happened last time I tried to eat a granola bar. So whatever! This really would be the perfect time to do an injection but I don't have one. My pills are in my tummy now. Yum.

I lie awake thinking for a while about how I'm in so much pain and wondering where it all went wrong. Probably when my nervous system first developed in the womb, though the nocturnal sleep schedule for a day probably didn't help. I think about how much pain I'm in. I think about how I really need to refill that sumatriptan injection prescription. I think about IV toradol. Or IV DHE. Or IV prednisone. Or idk. IV something. Anything that isn't going to have to go all the way through my digestive system before it kicks in. I very bravely unlock my phone to put the diclofenac into my migraine tracker, even though that's complicated enough that I have to turn off my screen reader and look at the screen with my real eyes.

Anyways. The diclofenac must have kicked in at some point, but I don't remember it. Midnight snack diclofenac is funny like that because I generally fall asleep when it kicks in so I never actually feel it do anything. I just lie there thinking about how much it hurts and how the drugs will never work and then when they start to work, I fall asleep, so I never feel them fully work. Sorry for ignoring your hard work, drugs.

I woke up again at a normal time with the usual headache and some extra residual eye hurty. I feel tired but not nauseous anymore, thank god. I took some nurtec, it helped, I'm thinking of following up with some Tylenol. Breakfast might help. I kind of want to fall asleep again, which also might help. Wow. Yesterday sucked. WOW. I did not deserve that. Holy shit. And I'm supposed to just get out of bed. And be normal. Someone should be bringing me bacon and chocolate chip pancakes right now!! I shouldn't have to make that myself if I want bacon and chocolate chip pancakes!! I already took my adhd meds but I feel like I can sleep anyways. Which I think I'll probably do even though breakfast should be higher on my priority list. Good night. Ow

Ok this is just going to be a rambling thing of self pity but after the night I've had I really deserve one of those so... I'm going to put it in a rb so it doesn't show up in the actual tags but I'm fucking complaining and you can't stop me