narratingvoice

[narratingvoice]

The point of fiction is actually to put that guy in a situation™️, and he might try to tell you the point is to then get him out of the situation, WRONG, second situation

[narratingvoice]

being OCpilled is so fucking mortifying honestly. like oh... yeah..... heres my guy. i invented him. i can't think about anything else except for him this week. but he isn't cool or anything. he actually sucks. im just ill.

[narratingvoice]

Poll time! If I were to refer to someone in the Parable as "Mr. Parable", without any other context, who would you assume I was talking about?

[narratingvoice]

[narratingvoice]

Happy 4/27!

Oh, did you think I'd forgotten about it? That I wouldn't post anything at all? Fools! There's no way I could ever possibly forget about this illustrious day: it's now been 2 whole years since The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe was released worldwide! And what busy and exciting years they've been. We've gone from an indie darling to an Internet phenomenon with a huge fanbase, tons of fanworks, and an upcoming special edition packed to the brim with merchandise. Indie developers, take note: if your game isn't doing well, just wait a few years, throw some new stuff in, and re-release it at a higher price.

I've spent most of the day having quality time with Stanley, as this is an important day for both of us. Well, I did have to spend hours trying to drag him to the mandatory rounds of Tee KO I organized. He wanted to spend all day in the broom closet with the bucket, doing things I won't reprint here out of a sense of dignity. He said this is the bucket's birthday, so it should get all the attention. I can't believe he thinks buckets get born.

Oh, but we actually had an unexpected visitor today, wandering in from another video game entirely. This doesn't happen very often, but I must have left a backdoor open in the code after we did a run through the Playtest ending. A star-shaped hole opened up, and this little pink creature floated through. I didn't have the faintest idea of what he wanted, since he seems only able to communicate by saying "poyo"; but somehow, Stanley claims to understand him. And he told me that today is his birthday, too! What a wonderful occurrence. It must be serendipity. Well then, I'm sure the strawberry shortcake I baked will suffice as a birthday cake. Let's serve it now!

What!!! He just inhaled the entire thing and swallowed it whole! With the candles and all! How uncouth! And he looks hungry still.... Excuse me, I need to find some way to keep this animal under control before any vital game assets disappear down his gullet.

[narratingvoice]

If Taylor Swift was any good as a lyricist, she would have written it as "touch me while your boys play The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe".

[narratingvoice]

shoutout to girls who do not understand the difference between ‘the bit’ and ‘waging psychological warfare’

[narratingvoice]

what happens to you in the escape pod ending? when stanley enters the boss's office and then steps back, where do you go?

The escape pod ending?! Oh no, don't try go get there! I never finished that ending. The escape pod isn't functional at all, and there's no music track to play. Please don't go poking around in scrapped beta assets. There's a very good reason I scrapped it, which is that it clashed too severely with the tone of the story. Stanley is supposed to escape by deactivating the mind control facility, not by launching himself into the stratosphere. How ridiculous that would be. It doesn't have anything to do with the theme of breaking free from control.

Not to mention, the game might crash if you load in a bunch of assets that aren't ever supposed to be loaded. It's not like I ever playtested that area. And I am not liable for anything that may happen to your game file or your hardware if some corrupted texture or whatnot brings the whole thing down. I do not give refunds outside of Steam's standard refund window.

But, oh, I think you've solved a little mystery for me. Yes, that must be where Stanley went when he did that thing... this is a bit of an embarrassing story, but I'll be honest. When I'm reading my script, sometimes I get so caught up in the excitement of sharing my story that I don't really notice what Stanley is actually doing. There have been a couple of instances in the boss's office, where I finish my spiel, direct Stanley to look toward the keypad, and... he was gone. Somehow, when I was looking down at my notes, he disappeared!

And the first time that this happened, I panicked. Had he fallen through a crack in the map and out of bounds? Had he despawned entirely, softlocking the game? Or maybe he never existed at all and I was truly out of my mind?? So I started frantically looking for him, but then a few minutes later the game reset itself. I never knew why that happened, but there he was back in his office, safe and sound, so the relief was fare more important to me in that moment than answering any questions about it. After that, it would occasionally happen again, always in the boss's office, and I would always experience a reset a few minutes later. I came to shrug it off as one more quirk of the game engine.

If I'm putting the pieces together, what you're saying is that Stanley managed to duck out of the office while I was distracted, and hid himself in the unused ending. Well, perhaps I'll have to ensure that doesn't happen again. Maybe the entrance to the boss's office can be a conveyor belt, or better yet, a trap door Stanley has to fall through. Then he'll be sure to stay and listen to me!

[narratingvoice]

((i have not forgotten about the ask in my inbox, i am just having an unexpectedly busy week))

[narratingvoice]

I don't understand why people say the Playstation 5 has no games. It literally has The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe. What other games could you possibly need?

[narratingvoice]

Okay, I've activated the April Fools thing. As a button with no functional purpose, but that displays a whimsical image of a kitty paw, it should provide enough enrichment for Stanley to keep him out of my hair all day. I hope there's some way to keep it around after today is over. It's really fascinating how much he loves pressing it and I'd like to do a long-term study on why he prefers this over any of the buttons I've made for him.

I will not be booping anyone as I am far too busy keeping track of preorder sales for the Collector's Edition. (Have you preordered yet? Why not?) But feel free to boop me, and I will appreciate it, as I appreciate all gestures of affection toward my existence. I expect hundreds of boops from adoring fans to start pouring in any minute now. Aaaany minute now. Like now. You could do it now.

[narratingvoice]

Am I allowed to drown the Figley in milk and slam him against the wall?

What an odd request. I suppose I can't stop you from doing those things once the product is in your hands, and as far as I can tell, neither of those actions are illegal in any jurisdiction, so in that sense yes, you are "allowed to". Well actually, you can't "drown" the Stanlerine because it doesn't breathe. It is not alive and as such, will never do anything reckless and dangerous just to spite you. You can submerge it fully in milk and it won't even gurgle and plead for help. Pity you won't get to see it act like the real Stanley. It's also plastic, so milk won't particularly stick to it or seep in.

You can also slam it into walls, but I would recommend against it, because every Fig-stan-ine comes with the official Parable Seal of Quality, which means it is made out of industrial grade plastic designed to withstand impacts up to and including ballistic missiles. Like Nintendo used to make their consoles out of before they started cheaping out. (Don't ask me how many drifting Joycons I own. It's a lot.) I intend for these pieces to survive millennia into the future, to stand as a testimony to the apex of human achievement that is narrative video games. All of which means you're a lot more likely to damage the wall than to damage the precious collectible. In fact, if you purchase the Collector's Edition, you are legally agreeing not to hold me or Crows Crows Crows liable for any injury to property or person that occurs from improper use of a figurine. Thank you for your interest, and I hope you buy all the merchandise.

[narratingvoice]

Preorders are open NOW!!! Go go go! Grease the wheel of commerce!

My sincerest apologies for the radio silence from this blog recently. I know, it's very out of character for me. The thing is, I've been in a bit of a pickle over the past few months. The fiscal year for 2023 didn't end nearly as profitably as I projected, not even with the hype and celebration surrounding

THE TENTH ANNIVERSARY OF THE STANLEY PARABLE (2013)!

Server maintenance isn't free, you know, and neither are infinite holes. And with Unity changing its pricing structure on top of it, well, I really needed to put the old noggin to work finding a way to squeeze every last dime out of my fans provide new and valuable pieces of entertainment that will be worth your money. And that's why I'm thrilled to announce my partnership with the fine folks at I Am 8bit to bring you: The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe: Collector's Edition!

It's true! Yes, I know I did a fake announcement for something similar last year, but this one is for real! A physical product that you can purchase and have delivered to your home, and play on your Nintendo Switch or Playstation 5. And this package involves absolutely no changes to the game itself, which really takes a load off my back. Since I have no presence in the physical world, I have to trust that my collaborators will deliver the finest quality items. And trust them I do. Shall we take a look at all the wonderful bonuses you'll receive?

Stickers!

Just like the ones I slapped onto Stanley's bucket, now you too can slap these stickers on your own bucket. Or anything else that currently lacks stickers on it. You will not receive a bucket to stick them on. We floated that idea, but Mr. 8bit told me he'd rather not have to lug dozens of buckets down to the post office every day. You'd look like a right idiot doing that, I agree. So get your own bucket and enjoy the thrill of sticking!

Oh, and do be aware that whatever object you affix the "Property of Stanley" sticker to, does legally become Stanley's property, and he will demand you send it to him.

More surprises under the cut!

An instructional manual!

"But Narrator," I hear you saying, "didn't you just say you're not giving me a bucket? What do I need this for?" First of all, do not interrupt me when I'm giving a presentation. Second of all, this manual is for the bucket that's in the game. I've noticed many players do not seem to know how to operate the bucket, and treat it like it's a person rather than an inanimate container. With this instructional manual, I will give you a comprehensive guide as to what a bucket can do (such as: prevent water from spilling all over your trousers) and what it cannot do (such as: love you back). I have had some harrowing experiences in the field of instructional manual writing, but I think this one is some of my finest work yet.

A figurine!

Yes, our most requested piece of merchandise is finally here! The OFFICIAL Stanley Parable Ultra Deluxe Stanigurine stands 5 inches tall and is made of durable PVC. And as with the virtual Figustans, that's all there is to it. There's no articulation or any type of toy action. You don't get anything but the feeling of deep satisfaction at owning this collectible. The package only comes with one, so why not buy six copies if you really want to recreate the game in your home?

But wait, that's not all!

If you are an absolute Stanley Parable fanatic, you'll want to supplement your Collector's Edition with even more plastic tat commemorating your favourite game. And you definitely want to support me as much as possible, right? So you can also buy:

The button that says the name of the person playing the game!

For just $10, you too can have a button that says your name, presuming your name is Jim. The button will only say the name Jim and will never say any other name, no matter how often you press it. I found that a lot of players really got into the immersive experience of being Jim, so I decided to keep it that way instead of programming it to say a whole lot of names. Sorry, but there are too many different names in the world. You're Jim and you'll like it.

Vinyl albums!

When you buy the Collector's Edition, you'll get a free code to download the Official Soundtrack in MP3 format. But what if you don't like MP3? What if you're a bit more old-fashioned in your audiophile taste? Well, I've got you covered! With this 2-record set, you can listen to all the office ambience on your gramophone or turntable. Why, you could even DJ a set with it! If you do, please send me your mixtape and I'll give it an honest review. My music taste is impeccable.

An instructional audio cassette!

Yes, this is just a cassette telling you how to install and run a copy machine. Listen, I took some odd voiceover jobs here and there to pay the bills. And I figured, you lot are so ravenous to hear my voice that you'd even pay good money to hear me deliver some boring instructions. At least, that's the impression I get from the more saucy side of the fandom. So that's what you get. Do I do anything funny? You'll have to buy it and find out!

Hold on, Stanley is trying to tell me something. What do you mean, nobody has a cassette player any more? Why wouldn't they? It's the perfect compact audio format! It's got two sides, which is more than you can say for a CD, and it's a lot more portable than vinyl. Well I'm not shipping out cassette players. You can take it or leave it. No refunds.

[narratingvoice]

reading the source code of a videogame and playing it perfectly in my head

[narratingvoice]

My sincerest apologies for the radio silence from this blog recently. I know, it's very out of character for me. The thing is, I've been in a bit of a pickle over the past few months. The fiscal year for 2023 didn't end nearly as profitably as I projected, not even with the hype and celebration surrounding

THE TENTH ANNIVERSARY OF THE STANLEY PARABLE (2013)!

Server maintenance isn't free, you know, and neither are infinite holes. And with Unity changing its pricing structure on top of it, well, I really needed to put the old noggin to work finding a way to squeeze every last dime out of my fans provide new and valuable pieces of entertainment that will be worth your money. And that's why I'm thrilled to announce my partnership with the fine folks at I Am 8bit to bring you: The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe: Collector's Edition!

It's true! Yes, I know I did a fake announcement for something similar last year, but this one is for real! A physical product that you can purchase and have delivered to your home, and play on your Nintendo Switch or Playstation 5. And this package involves absolutely no changes to the game itself, which really takes a load off my back. Since I have no presence in the physical world, I have to trust that my collaborators will deliver the finest quality items. And trust them I do. Shall we take a look at all the wonderful bonuses you'll receive?

Stickers!

Just like the ones I slapped onto Stanley's bucket, now you too can slap these stickers on your own bucket. Or anything else that currently lacks stickers on it. You will not receive a bucket to stick them on. We floated that idea, but Mr. 8bit told me he'd rather not have to lug dozens of buckets down to the post office every day. You'd look like a right idiot doing that, I agree. So get your own bucket and enjoy the thrill of sticking!

Oh, and do be aware that whatever object you affix the "Property of Stanley" sticker to, does legally become Stanley's property, and he will demand you send it to him.

More surprises under the cut!

An instructional manual!

"But Narrator," I hear you saying, "didn't you just say you're not giving me a bucket? What do I need this for?" First of all, do not interrupt me when I'm giving a presentation. Second of all, this manual is for the bucket that's in the game. I've noticed many players do not seem to know how to operate the bucket, and treat it like it's a person rather than an inanimate container. With this instructional manual, I will give you a comprehensive guide as to what a bucket can do (such as: prevent water from spilling all over your trousers) and what it cannot do (such as: love you back). I have had some harrowing experiences in the field of instructional manual writing, but I think this one is some of my finest work yet.

A figurine!

Yes, our most requested piece of merchandise is finally here! The OFFICIAL Stanley Parable Ultra Deluxe Stanigurine stands 5 inches tall and is made of durable PVC. And as with the virtual Figustans, that's all there is to it. There's no articulation or any type of toy action. You don't get anything but the feeling of deep satisfaction at owning this collectible. The package only comes with one, so why not buy six copies if you really want to recreate the game in your home?

But wait, that's not all!

If you are an absolute Stanley Parable fanatic, you'll want to supplement your Collector's Edition with even more plastic tat commemorating your favourite game. And you definitely want to support me as much as possible, right? So you can also buy:

The button that says the name of the person playing the game!

For just $10, you too can have a button that says your name, presuming your name is Jim. The button will only say the name Jim and will never say any other name, no matter how often you press it. I found that a lot of players really got into the immersive experience of being Jim, so I decided to keep it that way instead of programming it to say a whole lot of names. Sorry, but there are too many different names in the world. You're Jim and you'll like it.

Vinyl albums!

When you buy the Collector's Edition, you'll get a free code to download the Official Soundtrack in MP3 format. But what if you don't like MP3? What if you're a bit more old-fashioned in your audiophile taste? Well, I've got you covered! With this 2-record set, you can listen to all the office ambience on your gramophone or turntable. Why, you could even DJ a set with it! If you do, please send me your mixtape and I'll give it an honest review. My music taste is impeccable.

An instructional audio cassette!

Yes, this is just a cassette telling you how to install and run a copy machine. Listen, I took some odd voiceover jobs here and there to pay the bills. And I figured, you lot are so ravenous to hear my voice that you'd even pay good money to hear me deliver some boring instructions. At least, that's the impression I get from the more saucy side of the fandom. So that's what you get. Do I do anything funny? You'll have to buy it and find out!

Hold on, Stanley is trying to tell me something. What do you mean, nobody has a cassette player any more? Why wouldn't they? It's the perfect compact audio format! It's got two sides, which is more than you can say for a CD, and it's a lot more portable than vinyl. Well I'm not shipping out cassette players. You can take it or leave it. No refunds.

[narratingvoice]

hey bro can we like adopt paralleling themes and symbolize opposites but in a two sides of the same coin kind of way? it doesn’t have to be weird. wait what do you mean thats gay

[narratingvoice]

the most fucked up thing ever is being obsessed w ur own oc. why do i have to make content of them why cant they just magically appear on my screen for me to reblog 200 times. fucked up and also evil