#idk. Again more self awareness more effort it’s seriously not hard

[rosemaryyuri]

one thing i’ve noticed in those polls or posts about fandom misogyny and widespread favoritism of male characters in fans of fictional media is that people will always blame their consistent gravitation towards men on the media itself? which can be reasonable depending on the media but i think maybe as a response to that you should invest more in media that does have well written and fleshed out female characters. i promise there are some out there. and also a lot of the time it just feels false something something for a male character people will fill in the holes in the story and flesh him out where the media doesn’t while for the female character it’s crickets. like idk i feel there should be at least a tad more self awareness with this kind of thing? might just be me though.

[twonderland]

☆*:.｡ NRC HAS A MAID CAFE ?!? .｡.:*☆

Note: sooo this is my first writing ! Omg I’m so nervous I have never written for any fandom before but I wish this goes well 🙏🏻😂 anyway, hope y’all like it and if you have any thoughts about it pls comment I would really appreciate it ☺️💖💖

Summary: NRC was organizing a school festival to attract new students and also to let the guys have a day of fun and chill. However the dorm leaders were out of ideas while deciding what activities they were gonna have, until you decided to talk about some options of what your school used to do in this kind of events (before coming to twisted wonderland), most of those activities were really alike to what NRC already had, except one thing ...

- when you mentioned that in your “dimension” there was different options that could be introduced in NRC at the festival he was actually pretty interested. Obviously he would have to make some changes so that “activities” could fit in Heartslabyul rules but, he never thought that he could have the opportunity to see you in such an ... outfit.

- Who does he think he can fool ? He’s a blushing mess and can’t even look at you in the face. How can he ? The moment you got out of your room with that white coping, that really short skirt, and oh god the stockings

- You look so cute and obedient and hfkogkebdiej

- The plan was simple, you were a “maid” and the boys attending the clients at your side were butlers, easy ! Except from the part of talking to you

- He’s angry because he can’t believe that such an outfit has this power over him and he thinks “god Riddle get yourself together and just talk to her about the menu” but somehow you think he’s angry for some strange reason since he tends to get all red face when he is angry (poor bean he’s trying his best to not collapse)

- HE’S A GENTLEMAN ! HE DIDNT HAVE SUCH A HARD UPBRINGING FOR NOTHING !! he goes with a straight face to your direction and then .... “(y/n) ! Have you learn your lines ?! Customers need the best of attention from this establishment !!” (Riddle this is just a classroom turned into a maid cafe, chill)

- “Ah sure Riddle-senpai, just look *you clear your throat* Welcome home master !!”

- Riddle.exe has stopped responding

- what ? A maid cafe ? Isn’t it just like the rest of the maids at his palace in Afterglow Savana ? He’s used to being attended by this kind of servitude at his homeland but he had never seen Classic or French (I leave that to your imagination ☺️) maid style

- He thinks “ohoho this can be quit interesting” and has that smug smirk in his face, OF COURSE he’s gonna take this opportunity to tease you

- However after he sees you in that cute and tempting outfit, for a little moment (just a little moment) he doesn’t want to admit it he goes shy, stops just a moment to admire you from head to toe in your outfit, you go like “what? “ and then he just shrugs it out just in time before you notice “hmph are you some kind of panda ?”

- Seems like he doesn’t care but actually you never get out of his view, he drinks his woman respect juice every morning but not the rest of the students

- If he sees that some idiot gets a little too close to you he may roar from across the cafe and shoot some killing glares to those idiots and problem solved

- Don’t get it wrong, he’s still Leona and may slide the tip of his tail under your skirt a little ... just a little 😏

- He listens to all your descriptions of the activity of the maid cafe, takes notes and adds some good ideas so everything’s on point

- He’s pretty chill the majority of the time while preparing everything, he even helped you to practice your lines so you could attend customers with the best training !

- Until ... he saw you in character. It was kind of a self goal since he told you to not get out of character when you wear your uniform, how fool and unfortunate (lucky) soul he was

- “Ashengrotto- sama ? I had some doubts about the menu ...” “yes ? (Y/...n)”

- his glasses break

- Azul.exe has stopped responding x2

- His mind can’t process all the things that are going on, you , on a cute really really short skirt, calling him “sama” with your innocent voice, and OH LOOK AT THAT

- THIGHTS

- he didn’t know he had a thing for thights until this day

- Tries to solve all your doubts without stuttering but fails miserably

- Thinks really seriously in a way to make you sign a contract where you accept to wear that outfit whenever you visit octavinelle (azul that’s practically impossible but ok try 😂)

- OMG A MAID CAFE ?! It’s foreign and interesting !! This guy is all in after you finish to talk about your idea

- Kalim is also used to being all pampered and having hundreds of people attending him at all times so he’s really curious about what is the difference between what he knows and what you know

- You tell him that is nothing too awesome, but is more to have fun in getting into character of “master and servant” BUT NOTHING IS BORING IF YOU ARE IN IT he tells you that you don’t need to worry and he just wants to participate in the experience

- He doesn’t assist as a butler but like a customer, and the night before the event he can’t sleep from the excitement, “Jamil, how do you think is a maid ?” “Idk Kalim sleep now” “ne~ ne~ Jamil do you think that (y/n) will call me master? tehehe” “OMG KALIM ENOUGH” poor Jamil he also couldn’t get enough sleep that night

- He’s one of the first clients to arrive and oh god ... when he finds you. He doesn’t know what is it with that uniform that it makes you look ADORABLE AND BEYOND also ... kind of .... ?? (Sexy kalim the word you look for is sexy) he just doesn’t know how to react the very first seconds but doesn’t last long until

- “Kalim-sama ! Welcome back, we are so enlightened to see you again”

- What is this ? Why is he feeling funny things in his stomach, every time he’s called like that in his palace it doesn’t happen anything, is something of everyday but now...

- “.... kalim-sama ?” “AH ! Sorry sorry ! Haha I zoned out , say ... could you say that again ? It was so fun !” “Uh.. hu, of course, if that’s my master’s wish !! ☺️” (HAPPY BOY HAPPY BOY HAPPY BOY)

- He probably is inside the maid cafe for very long time just to hear you every time you come around

- “Is everything alright master ? Would you like something else ?” “YES ! One more parfait please !! “ meanwhile Jamil is like “KALIM STOP, YOU HAVE ALREADY ORDERED 30 PARFAITS !!!, what are we going to do with all of this ?!”

- “the potato ? As a servant ? That’s hilarious” Vil is aware of all the maid thing since where he comes from wealthy families tend to have this kind of employees in their mansions

- NEVERTHELESS he can’t have a girl/boy in NRC dressed as a maid and you NOT 👏🏻 BEING 👏🏻 ON 👏🏻 POINT

- DRESS ! Check HIGH HEELS ! check STOCKINGS ! Check .... he goes on and on

- “Vil-senpai, I’m really grateful that you have taken your time to help me but don’t you think that your dorm also needs help-?” “SHUT UP GRACELESS POTATO we are not getting out this classroom until you learn how to move graciously in those high heels between tables while holding the tray , NOW LETS START AGAIN”

- At the end of the day somehow you have managed to make him happy, the next day you will show all your effort to Vil !

- He comes with Rook, it seems that he’s looking for you with his eyes but when you look back at him you never expect to receive such a gentle and proud look

- “Vil/senpa- ! I mean ... “Vil-sama !! Welcome ☺️” you say nervous yet excited to see him there. “Good enough, it looks like even dirty potatoes can turn into princess” (you are like “wait I’m the maid here, not a princess 😅”)

- Vil leans forward and puts a string of hair behind you ear and says in a low voice so only you can hear “a really pretty potato indeed”

- He enters the maid cafe and leaves you blushing in the entrance

- “Are we gonna treat ourselves or what potato ?! “ “ ah ! I’m so sorry master !!”

- Vil has a satisfied smile

- He is so grateful that every time he attends councils is via LIVE ‘cause the moment you said “maid cafe” he spilled the beverage he was drinking

- “m-m-m-mAID CAFÉ ?!” He can’t believe this is happening, for some seconds he can feel a creepy smile appearing in his face until ...

- “But how am I going to go to the cafe ?, I can have Ortho going there but knowing him he will focus the camera on desserts and not in (y/n) costume ... NOT THAT IM A CREEP OR SOMETHING Ijustwanttoseearealmaidinaction well is not that she’s/he’s “real” per say but-“

- Ortho is listening to all his mumbling from back his seat

- “Onii-chan 😊”

- “Ah... what is it Ortho ?”

- “Just go 😠”

- It took A LOT from his little brother to convince him to go and look for you

- The day of the festival it was CROWDED as hell and he was sooo grateful that the classroom where you were having the cafe had a window that had a view to one of the gardens

- He was peeking all the movement from the window looking for you, but some minutes passed and he started thinking (what am I thinking ? Obviously she’s not gonna see me from here ... but entering is NOT an option either ... maybe I just should go-) “Iidia-San?”

- You scared the crap out of him, he was lost in thought but thanks to that he didn’t go

- “Ah! Sorry sorry, Um ... (you remember your character) “iidia-sama, is something the matter ? Why are you out there ?”

- Perhaps Zeus had pity on his soul. You look SO CUTE SO ADORABLE SO SEXY-

- “Uh.... no, it’s just ... there’s a lot of noise inside” you know about his anxiety and you tell him “well, doesn’t my master want something ? I can bring him anything he desires to this window if Iidia-sama wishes”

- He just had a nosebleed

- “I-Iidia- sama ?!” “Ah ! Sorry .... Um yeah o-one crepe... p-please”

- He goes back to Ignihyde with a delicious crepe and a memory of you calling him master... but wait a sec...

- “WHY DIDNT I BROUGHT A CAMERA?!?!?!?!” “I ALSO COULD HAVE RECORDED HER/HIS VOICE DAMN IT!!!!”

- maid ... cafe ? This is interesting

- He was processing everything, from the concept and your explanation to all of the reactions that caused in the guys

- (Why were they so shocked ? Well I guess I will have to find out)

- He’s royalty and everyone calls him “sama” all the time, well except from Lilia, so he thinks that a bunch of butlers calling him that again isn’t any different ... but you 🤔

- How intriguing, you always call him “senpai” or “san” ... now this have caught his attention

- His dorm was organizing everything quite well and as usual Diasomnia had really disciplined members so his presence wasn’t really that necessary so he went to Lilia and asked him about this “maid cafes”

- Lilia knew about the maids but also didn’t understand the concept of mixing maids and cafes, but Lilia being the little devil he was he said some ... funny information that could intrigue Malleus

- “They are humans, but just like pixies they charm every man when they see them” “charm them ? But (y/n) is human ... how can she/he charm anyone ?” “Hehehe you will understand when you see her/him”

- The day arrived, and oh yeah, Lilia was right, he was expecting you to be little and with wings, leaving pixie dust behind but no ... it was just you with a strange yet cute little skirt and fluffy sleeves... your eyes looked at him and your little cheeks tainted a light shade of pink ... (what is this ? I can’t stop looking at her/him) he was in daze

- “Umm .... Malleus-sama ?”

- “Uh .... I’m sorry, so this is a maid ... you are quite powerful”

- “ uh.. hu” you just said your lines when you saw him but he didn’t seem to have listened to you so you decide to repeat them

- “Welcome back Malleus- sama ! We are so enlightened to receive you !!”

- Again .... he’s dazed , but this time he did hear you, so acting a little weird he enters the cafe, you handle him the menu and explain the recommendations

- You are so nervous trying to remember all your lines that you don’t notice it but Malleus is admiring everything about you with loving eyes

- You take his order and go to the kitchen (he honestly doesn’t know what the hell he just ordered since he isn’t familiar with the dishes but anyway)

- Maybe he doesn’t notice himself but he’s looking at you everywhere you go with a little smile on his face

- “Maybe (y/n) has magic after all”

[thatnarcissisticfeel]

hi, thanks for answering, i appreciate it. also that you didn’t just call me toxic or some shit and tell me to fuck off. i’ve actually never thought of joining a discord server but it’s a good idea, thank you, i think i could try that. i guess on another account though to prevent anyone from accidentally finding out bc you know for yourself how it is. i’ll look up if i can find some kind of dbt workbooks online as well.

the journaling idea is good as well, i’ve actually been trying for a while but i end up rarely using it as a past experience left me with kinda bad trust issues about writing / drawing things down where someone could see them. but i guess i could try hiding it better this time or something. it’s just this thing that also sometimes venting like that actually ends up making me even more frustrated, as i realize i’ve already written about this exact thing countless times before yet still nothing has changed.

i’m trying not to make a too harsh judgement of my therapist yet, considering i haven’t been seeing her for that long, but… yeah. when i said that i’ve been going to therapy for years i meant going to a lot of different ones in this time. no one ever gets me. their advice is always so fucking useless. honestly at least this current one actually listens and doesnt make me feel uncomfortable or like i’m being judged. i think she’s the one i’ve been the most honest with because of that (and also because i just started telling her everything from the first session on already bc i’m tired of everyone always turning out to be nothing but a waste of time and money and effort), i generally lie to therapists esp my psychiatrist so i can get the meds i want (or else im 100% she’d just put me on some shit like antipsychotics, which ive been on in the past and i’d honestly rather kill myself than take them again, idk if you’ve tried them before but i basically felt r*tarded [idk how some ppl are sensitive of slur use like i personally dont care but i dont want your blog banned or smth] and tired all the time and it “”””helped”””” in the way that it made me too slow to be able to think about my problems. thanks psychiatry. not a traumatizing experience at all). i mentioned that i suspect i could have a personality disorder to her once or twice and she seemed to agree that it could be a possibility, but obviously no one can diagnose that fast. but i guess i’ll see. i really just want to know whats wrong with me, why do i think the way i do, why i can’t just be more fucking normal no matter how hard i try. but getting an actual diagnosis of a PD esp if it turned out to be this one would just mean i’d get treated even worse by every single doctor, not even necessarily a mental health one, bc physical doctors see all your records as well,, i’ve already been told my legitimate physical issues are just bc im depressed, or even if they dont straight up tell me they definitely treat me less seriously and i just know its bc i have mental illnesses diagnoses & im female.

i just … ugh. i feel so sick of it all and misunderstood. i know i can get genuinely abusive in arguments when someone upsets me but i really dont know how to stop or control myself. i hate that people act as if it’s all my fault. like everything i’ve gone through doesn’t even matter and i’m just an inherently evil person. like i didn’t have some kind of a terribly traumatic childhood, but i’ve always been either bullied or excluded by almost everyone i’ve ever met and all the social isolation honestly really fucked me up. i think that’s why i developed such a strong individuality complex as i’ve never been able to think all of it must be simply because i’m worthless. like fuck no, 99% of the people are dumb and shallow and ignorant towards reality of the world and i’m supposed to feel like i’m somehow worse than them? at least i have self awareness and my own thoughts. i mean i do think we’re all worthless because nothing in life has any value, so why should humanity be the exception? that still doesn’t stop me from hating everyone though. i may be a hypocrite but so is everyone else; and at least i don’t pretend to be a gOoD pErSoN. lacking empathy and not having morals doesn’t make me any less deserving of help even though i know how many people unironically believe people like me should just be shot. fucking brainless hypocrites, all of them.

but anyway yeah my point here is, fuck people who think anyone chooses to be this way. all of this has done nothing good for me other than made my life much harder. and not to mention unable to ever get genuinely close to anyone because what is the worth in a relationship if i can’t even bring myself to care about anyone? i don’t think “empaths” even realize how alienating it actually is. which is once again so ironic because THEY should be the ones to try to understand it, but no, they just generalize everyone and share the nonsense propaganda that we’re incapable of change.

so yeah, this turned into another vent but i really lack any people in my life who i could be honest with. i feel so lonely all the time. it’s not even really missing a friend group or romance or physical touch, it’s more of this feeling of feeling completely alone and that no one (other than a few people whose writings and actions i admire but they’re all dead) would ever be able to truly understand me. so yeah as cheesy as it is, sometimes it’s nice to be reminded i’m not alone by someone other than a generic social media post made by someone who’d 100% hate me if i told them even half this shit. can i maybe dm you sometime btw? i felt like staying anon while writing this bc i tend to get anxious with ppl at first but idk, maybe, if youre comfortable with that ofc

btw if its alright to ask can i ask how did you get diagnosed? what was the process like and how long did it take? did they suspect anything else at first? do you feel treated by ppl any differently now tjat you have a diagnosis of such a stigmatized disorder? (^ i mean these previous questions if youre diagnosed by a psych, if not its perfectly valid as well ofc) whats personally helping u to cope?

Good luck! I’m glad I could offer some help/reassurance. Maybe instead of a physical journal you could use a private blog or even just a notes app on your phone/computer if that sounds safer?

I do hope things improve with your new therapist and that things work out, it’s good that she at least agrees you might have a PD. Normally I’d recommend a therapist who specializes in PDs, maybe even especially NPD, but idk if that’s accessible for you and/or if you’ve already tried it and had no luck.

But again, I want to reiterate that you’re not alone, and what you’re going through and what you feel is 100% relatable to other pwNPD. I truly wish that more people understood us and the irony isn’t lost on me that it’s always “empaths” who are the ones who have the LEAST empathy for us. And I feel like the societal lack of understanding contributes to the more “ugly” or “stigmatized” traits of our disorder even more, tbh. Anyway, my point is that I definitely don’t mind at all if you vent, so please do feel free to DM me if you want to or feel more comfortable that way!

As for my diagnosis, it’s a bit messy — for context im a recent graduate from college and the bulk of my therapy came from campus services, where it was acknowledged I very likely had a PD especially within cluster B but I never got an official diagnosis while I was seeing the school-based therapist, and at the moment I’m trying to find a new therapist who can help me. At first we thought I just had a really intense form of rejection sensitivity dysphoria due to ADHD, then realized it was likely something else. So I’m a weird mix of “self diagnosed, but likely wouldn’t have admitted it to myself or realized it if a professional hadn’t pointed me in that direction.” Until I can find a professional im honestly just doing the best I can to help myself. Sometimes I get tempted to turn to substances to cope bc they make me softer and more open, and if you feel the same way I highly recommend avoiding this, ofc. I mostly use relatable music (lmk if you want my NPD playlist!) and DBT workbooks as a way to help myself, and I also just try my hardest to avoid or remove myself from situations where I might lose my cool and become toxic. Obviously this is easier said than done, but there are ways to do it. For instance, if I’m in a group chat where I feel like people are getting more attention than me, I’ll mute the group chat and maybe text someone from a different group one-on-one (not necessarily about my issues, just in general).I know that answer is pretty mild and entirely social media based lol, but it’s the best example I can provide.

[mega-bastard]

i was kidnapped by shiratorizawa ?!?!?!?!

this was painful to write, but like a masochist I did it anyway. this is my part of the the first Whorehouse Collab, located here. Finally getting back into writing fanfics since like 2015, this was oddly therapeutic.

I wrote this under the influence of magic grass after binging several wattpad fics, enjoy at your own risk-- by which I mean laugh alongside me LMAO

The ending is sososo rushed, in true wattpad fashion <3 this was 1.3K words of nonsense

When I woke up today, I didn’t think I’d end up in such a bind— bindings to be more specific. I’m just your average little miss no one, another everyday student easily lost in the in the crowd. Wearing glasses and being like super shy does that to u, yknow?

Now, blindfolded and tied up, I can’t help but wonder just how someone so unnoticeable had gotten snatched up so suddenly— perhaps that was had why you were taken (insert Liam neeson voice: I will find you, and I will kill you hehe >:3). Now, with the full throb in my head beginning to subside— I started to recount what had bringed me into such s predicament

~ rewind to earlier in the day ~

I’d only just waked up when I received a text from my best friend mina (bnha wink wonk) gushing about or schools volleyball match— to say she was crazy in love aoba Joshuas volleyball team would be selling it crazily underwhelmed. Especially their captain, oikawa tooru ! Most of our school did, but I was really observant of the people around me— he gives me weird vibes, like he puts on an act or something. But still, I keep that thoght to myself so no one comes for me. Seriously, he’s got fans like a Kpop star (a/n haha stan bts for clear skin uwu)

Either way, her dragging me to a volleyball game is nothing new— and as she’s blowing my messages up like the world is ending I know  what to expect this coming afternoon. What a pain, I had planned on watching naruto when I got home today :(

There was no telling Mina no, so when we enviably met to walk to school I was well aware I’d be attending the volleyball match today. Boring, but I’d manage— I don’t care much for sports but sweaty and muscley men are finer than fine, I’d at least have spank bank material hehe (a/n not to whore on main buuuuuut ;3).

The day flew by and suddenly I found my self seated on the stands, waiting for the game to begin. Mina was chatting away, so when the urge to go to the bathroom came I simply got up and left— I wouldn’t get a word in edgewise, everyone always runs at the mouth and I can never get a word in as a result.

Not paying attention on my way to the bathroom, I suddenly shivered— feeling watched. I looked up from staring at the floor and was brought face to face with...the Shiratorizawa Volleyball Team ?!?! At the head was the tank of a captain, japans number one ace Ushijima Wakayoshi (a/n a whole snack yumyum) was indomitable and a scary man to be faced with. Ushijima was still as fierce as ever; I say that because we’d gone to middle school together— we never spoke or anything like that but we’d been in the same classes. He scrutinized my small form with impassive olive eyes, I felt rooted in place at such a state.

I shook myself from my little reverie and quickly scurried off, heart beating a mile a minute. “ just find the bathroom and head back to Mina “ I murmured to myself, finally finding the bathroom after rounding a corner. The feeling of being watched finally lifting.

After using the bathroom and began to head back, I could hear someone...singing something? I began to head towards it out of curiosity, peeking around a corner to see a tall red haired guy and a grey haired guy— they were wearing the same uniform so they must also be a part of the team as well! Lost in my thoughts, I was only briefly able to dick away before the red haired guy turned around to where I was peeking.

Ok seriously, let’s head back ‘ I thought before scurrying back to Mina— who grilled me on my absence before becoming entranced in the starting game. I stayed on my phone for the most part, reading one direction fanfic— with the phone screen down waaay low (a/n who else has done this before ???). Id peek every now and again to watch, at one point catching the eye of the tall red head— a chill ran down my spin at his impish smile that I looked away immediately.

He was...cute. In a scary way.

A sudden hush flew across the crowd and I looked up in time to see oikawas serve hit clean across the net, received by some guy with brown hair before being set by some twat with shitty hair (a/n shirabus a twat, their I said it >:/) before the ball was spiked back with a force unmatched.

That was Match point. Shiratorizawa wins.

The air is oppressive, oikawas fan girls— mina included, are wailing. That’s my cue to exit, bidding a mina goodbye I began my way down the hail, the rush of the court fading into background.

Then suddenly, rushing feet and the crack of something hard against my skull.

Darkness consumed me.

~ back to the present ~

Now back to the hear and now, I hear murmerings-- voices I don’t recognize. I try to listen, try to focus in on their voices but I can’t as the throbbing in my skull takes my focus away. A whimper escapes me, and a silence sweeps across wherever I am like a breeze-- it’s scary.

“haha, is she awake?” it’s the sing=songy voice from before-- the red head probably then? I know I needed to say something, anything, but I was still to disoriented. The sound of shoes nearing me immeadiatly set me off, beginning to wiggle and move before I was held still vision suddenly assaulted with brightness as my blindfold is redmoved.

Standing before, me in all their glory, is the Shiratorizawa volleyball team??

It looks like I’m being held in...an empty dorm room? I’m trying to gather my bearings and cannot figure what to possibly ay before being yanked up harshly from a laying position. It’s the red head holding me up, wicked smile and everything as he crouches in front of me before opening his mouth.

“ You belong to us now, got it~” his voice is too cheery given the words he’s just said to me (a/n tendou owns my heart and soul <3333 ), and only now does my voice find me. “ B-but w-why m-m-me ? You c-can’t j-just do t-that, please just let me g-g-g-g-g-g-go !” by the time I finish blubbering, theres tears streaming down my cheeks like rushing rivers. Through my lashes, I look pitifully around at everyone-- landing on an umcomfortble looking kid with a bowl cut, but he looks away as soon as i stare up at him.

no, no ,no nononono no ones going to help me. the tears fall puddle on the floor, only growing in speed when ushijima speaks. “ You’ll be transfering here, become our manager, and be staying in this dorm room-- it’s already been settled” (a/n idk I’d be p happy to be shiratorizawa’s manager uwu) his voice is deep and leaves no room for any back talk, but my stomach drops at his next sentence “Semi, put it on her’ my head whips up, starring doe eyed at the grey haired guy from before as he approaches with...IS THAT A COLLAR AND LEASH??? (a/n insert debby ryan face)

my face heats up, embarrassed and ashamed at the idea of being collared like an animal. I try to wiggle away, annoying Semi, “Tendou hold her still damnit!” at that Tendou-- the red head, grips my face with one hand to keep me still, gripping it hard enough that hes smushing my cheeks (a/n tendou, t e n d o u, loml, how I cherish thee) . He mutters a quiet cute, so faint I think I’m hearing things, before the tightening of the collar breaks me from that train of thought. With that done, I’m released, falling to my hands and knees staring up at the entire team now gathered before me.

A tug on the leash tugs me forward without much effort, and the tears spring up once more at the humiliation. 

“This is gonna be fun~”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ok so I hoped you guys loved it <3 I’ll try my best to get out weekly updates, next chap I’m thinking I either focus on how ushijima and reader-chan actually do know eachother, shirabu and semi fiighting of reader-chans attention, or maybe tendou and reader-chan getting into trouble while draggin goshiki into it! SOund off in the comments and let me know what you think ?? anyway love you guys sm <33333

[wxldchxld]

[ What is Beck's worst fear as an adult? Does her magic react to her fears and instincts or is it all purposeful? How does Beck feel about other magic users?

In our verse, where does Beck run off to from time to time when life in the Tower and the city in general gets to be too much? What is Beck's honest opinion of Nat's job? What could Nat do to make her leave, and why does Beck want to stay, aside from them being soulmates (if there is a reason at all)? ]

What is Beck's worst fear as an adult?

I’d say it’s a toss up? Beck has two major driving fears. 

The first is very straight forward and that’s that she is terrified of losing a familiar again. The pain she suffered witnessing Dawnbreaker’s death is the worst she’s ever felt, and she genuinely doesn’t believe she would survive the death of another familiar. 

The second is living her life in a cage or under anyone’s thumb. Beck spent half her life being controlled and locked up, desperately fighting to be herself while being brutally punished for it. So one day she learned to unlock doors and break binding spells, she learned to run, and in running she found freedom. It didn’t matter if that meant an empty stomach or a night out in the rain. And one of her greatest fears is having that taken away from her. 

There’s a very finite amount of time Beck will tolerate people locking her up (like I have verses where she’s been arrested for certain periods of time). But eventually she’ll lose control of herself and find a way to escape. If she can’t escape... things will get bloody. Even toward people she knows and loves.

Does her magic react to her fears and instincts or is it all purposeful?

Her magic is very emotion and intuition based, so yes, it can happen involuntary. In a dangerous situation her effort is spent restraining herself and using her magic strategically, not in mustering up the spells themselves. As a feral witch (aka an incarnation of the Earth/Nature spirit my witches come from) the power will always come, but sometimes the control doesn’t. 

I will say generally Beck is very in control of her magic in her human form. The worst you might get is like, if you startle her she might shift without thinking and then be like “oh shit sorry” or like, if you have animals around, they will naturally listen to her emotions and heed them. So you might have a trusty dog that you’ve kept for years and all the sudden he’s snapping a hand off because he is sensing her fear/anger/etc.

In other forms it is harder for Beck to control herself, therefore it’s harder for her to control her magic. And how in control she is in depends on the form. As a fox or a cougar, she can maintain the same level of control as a human, but as a horse, despite mastering the form as a little girl, she’s still very much at the mercy of her emotions. It’s kind of a running joke that you don’t jump on Beck as a horse because she will take off running, and then her magic will respond naturally, making her run impossibly fast and for way longer than a horse should. So it really depends.

How does Beck feel about other magic users?

Depends on the species and the kind of magic they’re using. Other witches are usually pretty ok with Beck, even if they aren’t the same kind of witch she comes from. From there things can get rocky. She tends to get on well with gnomes and trolls she comes across. Once she had a dalliance with a mermaid. Werewolves it really depends on the kind. Vampires are usually something she stays far away from unless they’re the sort that don’t eat people.

In like Marvel where the MCU is trying to say Wanda is an actual witch I would say Beck would be pretty ok with the premise of a witch being artificially made by an infinity stone, even if she doesn’t know what that is. But in reality she’d probably give a HARD side eye to Wanda because of the choices she’s made with that magic. Whether or not she could get past her own worries and moral qualms with mind control is---questionable.

What I will say is people like Thor or Loki in the MCU that pull that “magic is actually just like science” bullshit are not ok with Beck. Because she practices magic that is not at all like science. It cannot be wielded by anyone who learns spells or comes to an understanding of it. Witches are born or they’re made by other witches, and my magic system is VERY different from Marvel. While I’m happy to allow it to coexist with my lore system, I will not go with Marvel canon when it comes to magic because frankly it’s a mess. So I just have Beck be like “no you’re stupid and you don’t understand actual magic.”

In our verse, where does Beck run off to from time to time when life in the Tower and the city in general gets to be too much?

Ooof Nat might not love this answer. So I imagine at nights since Grani can’t/won’t be dragged into a city with her, Beck travels through the spirit realm and materializes wherever Grani is as a horse and they spend the night running around and being feral horses. It’s probably the only time she gets to really spend with him, which is a major strain on her in general because witches can’t indefinitely be away from their familiars it causes them pain. So it’s a good compromise. 

But especially while they’re living in the tower Beck will probably take long trips. Like if Nat goes somewhere undercover or something and when this happens Beck will go---anywhere? You really can’t know. She disappears into the woods or the canyons or prairies or sometimes even travels north to run along the polar ice of the arctic as a snow white bear. She’ll travel to places on the Earth the non-magical folks aren’t even aware of, places hidden from maps and outside eyes since the dawn of civilization. 

If we’re talking about like short breaks like “Jesus this place is too much and I need to breathe” she’ll probably turn into a hawk and fly out of the city to whatever wide open space and clean air she can find. Once her mother is no longer a threat (Idk if they’ll still be in the tower or not) she may go see her grandmother or Cora or visit one of her friends. Dori and Frankie both live in NYC itself, and so does Harper (they’ll probably be good friends by that time), and Jari lives just outside of NYC so like, visiting them and being with people who are like minded would really help.

What is Beck's honest opinion of Nat's job?

sdfgdsfgsdfg Don’t tell Nat but she thinks it’s dumb. She doesn’t get why anyone wants to risk their lives for mortals that don’t give 2 shits whether they live or die. She doesn’t trust SHIELD, she barely likes any of the Avengers, and she’d be very relieved and happy if Nat all told them to go fuck themselves and moved away with her to a farm in Montana. 

Like, even if someone were to be like “well by helping protect the world she’s also protecting you” Beck would just be like “I don’t think I’d care much about dying because I’d be too dead to be bothered, but I do think being forced to live every day without the woman I loved knowing she died a horrific death of self sacrifice for people I don’t think matter would rot me away on the inside so...”

What could Nat do to make her leave?

Hmmmmm. Beck’s pretty determined to stay... But like, Beck really struggles tbh. Nat isn’t great at giving her the validation she so desperately needs from a partner. And that’s because of her own trauma, so once Beck knows that she tries to be more forgiving. But it is emotionally very hard on her to not feel like Nat is as into her as she is into Nat. I don’t know if that’s enough to make her leave.

Over all I don’t think Nat would ever say something so intentionally cruel to make Beck pack her bags and go for good, but over the years if Nat never starts to open up and reciprocate the kind of affection Beck needs she may eventually leave for someone willing to give her that (which, I’m sorry, it would probably be Harper), or also a little more likely, Beck might just go feral. Which is essentially her death. Because I feel like if she felt like even her soul mate couldn’t love her that she would truly believe she had no place with people and it would be easy just to wander off into the forest and merge with the spirit she came from. Which is, essentially the death of the individual of Beck, even if technically she lives on.

Why does Beck want to stay, aside from them being soulmates (if there is a reason at all)?

But all of that is near impossible based off of what we’ve discussed and how Nat has reacted thus far. 

Nat’s big selling point is that she has no interest of taming Beck or making her behave a certain way. Her whole life has been a series of “no” and “stop” and “why can’t you just be this way.” And I think especially once Nat knows that, she will empathize personally because of all she’s been through. So while she’ll probably be like “please stop chewing up Tony’s stuff and stealing everything that isn’t nailed down” I don’t think she’s going to ever really try to like, seriously try to change Beck. 

Another thing Nat has going for her is that, believe it or not, I actually think they have a lot in common? Maybe not on the face of it, but as far as like, suffering trauma as children and feeling estranged from people/displaced. I feel like they both enjoy nature and (tho Idk for certain about Nat) traveling.

It’s going to take a lot of work and compromise for them to work, and Beck knows that. I feel like the biggest reason she stays is because she believes and wants for it to work between them.

[quirkless-and-embarrassed]

Todoroki Shouto

I felt like doing a character meme!

Favorite thing about him:

Is it cheating to say everything? It is? Okay… I love how he’s painfully kind while also painfully bad with people. I love how he swore not to use his fire half, and he took that oath so seriously that he felt pulling Midoriya aside to apologize and explain (in depth) was necessary. I love that his hand trembled when he went to see his mom—especially that he was so afraid of being like Endeavor, he couldn’t bear to show his face to her for years in case she mistook him again. I love how he learns from his mistakes, whether it’s combat-related like blocking his field of vision against Stain or emotional like realizing how his spiteful focus on Endeavor has blinded him to the needs of people around him. I love how he doesn’t feel the need to posture and act like he has the answers: he can openly admit he doesn’t know and that he needs to reflect more to find the right path for him. I love how rude he is. I love how he unquestionably leapt to Midoriya and Iida’s aid in Hosu. I love his fight against Midoriya.

Least favorite thing about him:

Hmm…most of my problems are with Horikoshi, not Todoroki. I like that Todoroki’s reaction to Endeavor vs the nomu was complex, that he was afraid for Endeavor, cares about him, and is ambivalent about the idea of Endeavor’s “redemption,” but I wish his love for his dad had more of a foundation—from what Horikoshi shows us, I have no idea why he cares about Endeavor other than a vague, dissatisfying “he’s my dad” feeling. Why are Todoroki’s feelings more complicated than flawless loathing? What’s the basis for his ambivalent affection towards Endeavor? I wish I knew more.

Okay, for about Todoroki specifically in-universe…I guess I wish he would talk a little more. He seems like he struggles with finding a middle ground between saying nearly nothing and oversharing.

Favorite line:

That’s a nasty scar you got there *SLUUURP* and are you All Might’s lovechild. I also loved it when Todoroki glared dramatically at Endeavor and then failed hard at introducing himself to the kids.

…And I love the line where Bakugo stridently claims no, he will not tell stupid Deku his brand-new, top-secret hero name, and Todoroki cluelessly asks, “Could you tell me, then?”

BROTP:

Midoriya, Bakugo, Yaoyorozu, Iida—I think those relationships really speak for themselves <3

This fic made me love Todoroki and Kaminari, please give me Todoroki working on his sense of humor and he asks Kaminari for help, only to repeatedly and ignorantly roast Kaminari while attempting to learn.

Also, Asui and Todoroki are really underrated; I feel like they’d have understated but interesting chemistry. They’re both exceptionally blunt, and unlike some of the others, Asui is perceptive+grounded enough to notice how awkward and uncertain Todoroki is (instead of the coolest, handsomest boy in class image). I’d LOVE to see them talk about their siblings, since Asui is the oldest and she takes care of her mini frog siblings, and Todoroki is the baby of the family who’s trying to figure out his relationships with Fuyumi and Natsuo (and eventually, Dabi). Oh, and Asui has more respect for authority than Todoroki does, so also seeing them clash over that would be interesting.

Or! Maybe Todoroki finally, accidentally catches Hagakure in one of his area ice moves and feels really bad about it, so Hagakure teaches him to watch out for her by making a game out of sneaking up on him. She also exercises some teenage flirtation in his direction and he has no idea.

Or imagine Jirou trying to figure out if Todoroki has feelings for Momo and accidentally becoming friends as she susses him out and realizes he’s an irredeemable dork instead of ice prince badass. She’s appalled he doesn’t know much about music!

OTP Rarepairs:

Todoroki/everyone basically, so it’s more interesting to talk about my todo rarepairs than run of the mill ships. 

Todoroki/Shinsou is cute…they both enter class 1-a with the attitude “I’m not here to make friends” and get hit with a match versus Midoriya in the Sports Festival—oops! They both became heroes partly from antagonistic spite, to defy Endeavor / the stereotype of brainwashing, which throw long shadows over who they fear they could become, and despite being on the quiet side they’re both pretty dramatic. Idk much about Shinsou’s backstory, but he definitely has a bit of a depressed, wary aura about him together with his fiercely idealistic, “I will never be like that” attitude, a combination that would resonate with Todoroki.

Probably at first Shinsou would be pretty cold to Todoroki, since even after being accepted into class 1-a he’d have some lingering resentment for those who are naturally blessed and admission was a slam dunk, and, in an effort to prove himself against the quietest of the strongest students, he’d make it his mission to provoke+brainwash Todoroki. Despite himself, Shinsou gets attached as he tries to figure Todoroki out, and he realizes the sorts of obstacles this “naturally blessed, slam-dunk admission” student had to overcome to get here.

In short, I’m a sucker for it ok, brotp or otp i’m down, but also in this case the romantic element of seeing themselves in each other gets to me bad.

Second rarepair, Todoroki/Hawks—hear me out ok!! These two would have the funny elements of Hawks/Endeavor but without Endeavor’s grossness. Even after he makes pro, Todoroki admires Hawks as the number two hero whose playful, casual MO is radically different from his own, more solemn style, and Hawks delights in being obnoxious and pokes fun at the straightforward, a bit dense Todoroki every opportunity he gets. Todoroki recognizes Hawks’s playful demeanor and knows he’s joking, but…being a dork…he doesn’t know what to say, so he just responds with total seriousness. Hawks is perceptive enough to know Todoroki noticed the joke, and Hawks’s awareness of that transforms Todoroki’s awkwardness into a dry, deadpan sarcasm, and the two of them can actually, like…have banter.

Working with Hawks semi-regularly, Todoroki has to rise to the challenge of meeting Hawks’s quips with enough insight and empathy to intuit the bleaker truths behind Hawks’s facade as this guy who doesn’t want to work too hard. Todoroki grew up as Endeavor’s tool, Hawks grew up as the hero commission’s tool; Todoroki responded with defiance, Hawks responded with salty compliance; Todoroki prioritizes his personal moral compass over the law/government, Hawks prioritizes the government over both his moral compass and the law; and Todoroki admires All Might, whom Hawks professes not to be so fond of, while Hawks admires Endeavor, knows Dabi, and all the obvious issues that brings up—so I think these two have tons of common ground to build a rapport and also clash with each other in ways that would be interesting for their development. For example, Todoroki can tell Hawks it’s your power and encourage him to take hold of his own destiny instead of being used, and Hawks can help Todoroki work on the shortage of social acuity he inherited from Endeavor.

I love the brotp but the otp has such comedic potential fused with such tragic potential, like by taking hold of his fate Hawks makes some choices Todoroki can’t forgive, and by helping Todoroki learn to connect to people Hawks opens him up for a world of pain when things go south, I can’t resist.

NOTP:

As long as the execution is good, I’m good. A ship that I hate in one person’s hands, I might love in another’s.

Random headcanon:

Todoroki is the #1 cockblocker in Class A. Nobody kills romantic tension like Todoroki wandering in, oblivious to what he’s just interrupted.

Also, Fuyumi gave him The Talk.

Unpopular opinion:

Hmm…not sure how unpopular this is, but while Todoroki understands that Endeavor abused Rei, but I don’t think he understands that Endeavor abused him too. Clearly Todoroki understands that it was bad, but now he’s one of the best students in one of the best high schools in the country instead of on a psych ward (Rei) or in the ground (Touya), so he doesn’t realize just how bad it was. Sort of a, “I was strong enough to take it, so it wasn’t really bad, not like how he was to my mom.”

Also, I love tododeku and I love dadzawa, but I’m frustrated by the number of fanfics that portray Todoroki as meek and crushed under Endeavor’s boot, in need of rescue.

Okay, one last one, because I’m not sure how unpopular any of these actually are. I think Todoroki is actually pretty anxious to fit in with his peers? Like he seems pretty aloof and doing his own thing, but I think it’s more due to uncertainty over what to do than because he’s that naturally withdrawn.

Song I associate with him:

Unbreakable by Miracle, Ember by Katherine McNamara, and Brave by Riley Pearce come to mind.

Favorite picture of him:

OKAY HERE ARE A FEW

VS Midoriya – Todoorki’s whole awakening, self-actualization sequence is beautifully, beautifully animated. I love the flashes to black and white and the graceful, profound arc of Todoroki raising his left hand.

Ch43 – His haunted expression when he extinguishes his fire, forfeiting to Bakugo.

Ch63 – He looks so sweetly earnest when he realizes he screwed up by disregarding Yaoyorozu’s opinion, and he immediately takes action to fix it.

Ch112 – His badass expression when he and Inasa wordlessly team up.

Ch164 – His sour, cross expression when Endeavor embarrasses him.

I had to make some painful choices on which scenes to leave out, but I think five is enough.

I’ve also done these questions for Bakugo, Uraraka, Endeavor, Amajiki, Sir Nighteye, and Shinsou!

[brandonkbills]

Ghost concert on Acid

Back in September a friend of mine introduced me to Ghost, showed me some of their more popular songs and music videos and my fancy you could definitely say was tickled. I was instantly drawn to the costumes and the theatricality of them. I’d continue to listen to their more popular songs like Square Hammer, Cirice, Rats, Dance Macabre etc.

He invited me to come see them with him on their Ultimate Tour Named Death in SLC, Utah. I was immediately down. I was so looking forward to this show but had no idea what exactly I was in for.

In the parking lot he offers me some LSD and he was expecting us to just microdose but feeling brave I decide on taking the full tab. Things feel pretty normal as I groove to Twin Temple, the Satanic doo-wop band who’s opening for them. I look over to my friend, he has another tab of LSD on his fingertip and offers it to me. We both take an additional tab, we’re going in balls deep now.

Twin Temple ends their set and the audience waits with anticipation. I start to really feel something as I watch the people in the pit from the seats above; they move around like their own living organism. Suddenly, black out. The audience roars eagerly waiting for the show to begin. They kick it off with Ashes immediately followed by Rats and just rock my dick off immediately but even the instant dick rocking couldn’t prepare me for what was to come. Cardinal Copia is just mesmerizing to watch on stage. It’s immense fun to watch him dance around and sing all so passionately, and his intense sexual charisma is just hypnotic. He’s especially delightful in between songs. He holds the audience in the palm of his hand. Then he ominously utters “We’ll see how well we get to know each other” I now know shit’s gonna get crazy. The Cardinal asks the crowd “Are you all feeling tingly yet?? No? We’ll get you there.” I’ve no idea what that’s about.

I’m now tumbling down deep, dark mental roads during this badass satanic spectacle. The two Ghoul guitarists begin a riff off. A Heavy Metal Ghoul Duel if you will. My mind’s digging far down into my soul as these two masters of their instruments pull out deep rooted interpersonal quandaries from within my psyche. It’s like each guitarist is a little ghoul on my shoulder and each have their turn making their solos a chance to make their case. The Ghouls guide me down this train of thought as the black guitar Ghoul leads to the thoughts “You’ve always been curious of Satanism but that’s not you. You’re really not a Satanist.” I’ve never seriously considered the thought of being a Satanist. The Ghoul with the white guitar brings me to “Oh? And Why’s that? What exactly about it do you not agree with?”. I think to myself “Oh shit”. I don’t disagree with any of their ideas necessarily. Independence from Religion and being the Master of your own reality sound pretty fuckin cool to me. I stand in awe as these two ghouls shred opposite the stage from one another across the checkerboard floor. It’s like a mental chess match and it’s no question that by the end of it the white guitar ghoul was the victor. “I’m just tripping, I’m on drugs.” I think to myself. “Just because the white ghoul won the guitar battle doesn’t mean I’m a Satanist now...but also it doesn’t mean I’m not...I’ll keep an open mind”. The song continues to rock on and they just absolutely dominate the arena. After the song, the audience blows up with applause. I clap. Man, I clap so hard. I clap so hard I can hardly feel my hands and before I know it, I feel this insane vibrational aura around my hands. The Cardinal speaks with certainty “Oh yeah, You’re feeling tingly now”.

Holy fucking shit.

Miasma starts. I’ve never heard this song before but I’m instantly digging it and jamming away and then Papa Nihil appears out of thin air in a cloud of white fog with this epic fucking Saxophone solo. This is easily the coolest fucking thing I’ve ever witnessed. A Satanic Pope with sunglasses fuckin blowing everyone away on a Sax like Bill fucking Clinton on late night. What could be cooler?? It’s equal parts mind blowingly ridiculous and hilariously awesome.

Now I’ve been to concerts where during a song I’ve thought to myself “This is fine but I can’t wait for the next song”. This is not one of those concerts. I’m totally enthralled by every single set entry. Every single god damn song’s just incredible. The whole show is an audible and visual feast. There are times I catch myself just gazing into the stained-glass style mural in the back. There’s a faux painted portrait of Papa Nihil in the center of the mural. Spirit starts. Papa Nihil’s forehead breaks into fractals and starts to dance and weave into itself infinitely. I begin to suspect Ghost has tons of fans who trip and it’s just a thing that Ghost is aware of. I don’t know how true this is. Either way the idea is entertaining.

From the Pinnacle to the Pit has me staring at the stage during a guitar solo as I literally feel my fucking face melt off. Meanwhile slowly forming a grin on my face like some crazy demon man just to have a *POP* sudden burst of fireworks into a blackout that slaps that silly fucking grin off my face and my jaw nearly drops to the floor.

I start to notice that some people just are not as into the concert as I am. I’m assuming they are just Mormons and/or other religious folk who showed up unaware of how inherently Satanic Ghost’s music is.

Spöksonat begins, it’s very dark on stage but there are these bright blue/violet shapes beaming out from the darkness and some people around me get headaches and exit. I interpret this as weak-minded religious sheep/mormons whose meek minds can’t handle Ghost’s awesome and enchanting music. They’re too buried in their illusory faith. Again, idk how true this is but I love to believe this. It’s definitely what I believed at the time of the trip.

He is starts. I begin to realize. This is my new faith. I am in awe. The song is composed and performed with such conviction and love, I think to myself “If this is Satanism’s attempt to convert me and this much effort was put in to this to make it this beautiful... I just don’t want to refuse.” The next song begins. Mummy Dust. Which in the Cardinal’s words is “So gosh darn Infernally fucking heavy that it will not only wobble your asses but it will TICKLE YOUR TAAIINNNTS” and tickle my taint it does.

Kiss the Go-Goat is yet another excellent groovy jam but then Dance Macabre comes on right after, ooooh shit buddy I get excited. I start clapping and dancing, I stand up on the stairs, grab the railing and whip my hair around. I dance my god damned heart out and as I dance I see the Cardinal walk to the left side of the stage and he looks right at me, I fucking felt it. He nods approvingly and returns to performing. I finally feel like I fully understand the lyrics as I see this song live. “Just wanna be, wanna bewitch you all night”. That’s Tobias Forge not just saying he wants to be with us all night but he wants to enchant and perform for us all night because that is what this brilliant master of his craft was born to do. He has as much fun as the audience does at these shows, if not, more. This song would’ve been a damn fine closer but as stated in the lyrics, he didn’t wanna end like that.

Square Hammer hits and it hits hard. People are losing their minds, myself included. Still riding the energy of that last song, I head bang my soul out of my damn body. Once again, I fully understand the lyrics. “Are you on the Square? Are you on the level? Are you ready to swear right here right now, before the devil?”. I realize absolutely fucking am. When the show ended The Cardinal waved everyone goodbye and you could see how thankful he was for an audience and I’m still not sure if this was the drugs or a special effect (pretty sure it was the drugs) but each band member appeared to have strings like a marionette while waving goodbye and bowed to the audience and the audience appeared to having strings too. It looked like a lighting effect but I still have no idea how that happened, most likely a hallucination. So fucking cool regardless.

I left the arena drenched in sweat, baptized into a new yet familiar world. I don’t see life the same way I did before (but hey, that’s LSD for you). I realized through this trip how badass the symbol for rebellion against tyranny really is. Along with the profound nature of freedom from religion and realizing self divinity; that you the individual possess powers of a god and most importantly, I just had a good fucking time. My first Ghost concert was a religious experience and one hell of bash. They’re easily my favorite band now and I’ve been listening to all their albums on repeat and I can’t wait till I can see them again.

[raeofalbion]

Rules: List 5 quotes from various fics you love and link to the fics! Quotes can be short or long. Tag as many people as you want! (tagged by @leafenclaw - thanks so much! :D)

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tagging: Idk who I follow and who follows me who hasn’t done this yet, so, if you want to do it, go for it and please tag me so I can see!

Okay, so I’ve decided to twist the rules a little and use this as a rec list for my current top five Sherlock fics and my top three Fable fics, in no particular order, so people who follow me for either fandom have something to go through. Under the cut because...long.

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BBC Sherlock

Inevitable Destruction by @jimswestwood (formerly Dionysisch)

(Ao3; Sheriarty) Bored, Jim invites Sherlock into his home, Sherlock decides to stay. — It’s a beautiful 4 part oneshot series that deals heavily with existentialism and wanting, framed in an almost elegant, bordering on philosophical light. Oh and it makes me cry. It makes me cry a lot.

Sometimes it would hit him so hard it became painful even to breathe. The meaninglessness of it all. It all dissolved into the same ephemeral prettiness of clouds, of smoke, of things that could fascinate but hold no substance at all, vanish at the touch. The air in his lungs, the wall he kept staring at. Himself. The words flowing through his brain. Nothing. Just a casual connection, weak strings giving intolerable heaviness to sounds and letters. In the end, the more he repeated something, the more he realized emptiness. Sounds rolling in his mouth numbing his palate, as he took another mask, another voice, another self - an evocation of something he forgot along the way, and in which he forgot part of himself.

Bored, bored, bored. Bored.

His thin lips part slightly, tongue darting gently over scabs of a tormented nature, sign of a certain carelessness betraying a polished image in all its destructiveness. “Bored,” Jim repeats, again. Just a murmur. Gentle, quiet, making sure not to disturb the non-existent life in a bubble of static silence. It makes him think of grey, grey dullness, something like quicksand but gripping at his brain and his heart and paralyzing him until he cannot breathe and exploding into a million pieces sounds like the most tolerable image. Scattering himself like cosmic dust. He wonders if, in that case, he would give life to other stars or just decay. Once more. 

-

Not Until Then by @jamlocked​

(Ao3; Sheriarty, Sherlock/James Moriarty) After Sherrinford, Sherlock goes to see Jim’s brother. What follows is in no way straightforward. — There was a three-way tie for me between this fic, Daemon, and Between Shadows and Sunlight, but this fic. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve read it and I still can’t say for certain what I think is really happening. It’s gorgeous, elusive, and I love how much it makes me think. Jam’s a master at well-crafted, incredibly twisty plots and I’m just...endlessly fascinated by this one.

Sherlock watches his chest stop moving. David’s head tilts a fraction, like he’s listening to a far-off sound. And then…

…and then, his left hand moves to his left knee. It’s an instantly familiar gesture, one burned into Sherlock’s hard drive. Every other thought falls away. Sherlock feels his eyes widen and his mouth drop open, a gasp stuck behind his teeth. The cold, the silence of the country, the light of the windows, all melt to nothing as he watches David ripple his fingers (beats like digits) over his bent leg, pushing a slight emphasis on the roll of his thumb.

For a few seconds, he can’t breathe. His eyes snap up to David’s face - and it is David’s face, it is, but all he can see is Jim. Jim sitting there with his eyes closed and his hair a mess, slumped in exhaustion but still, always, drumming his own beat. Except that wasn't his beat, that was theirs. He knows of no one else who ever saw Jim make that move, and there’s no reason anyone ever should. That was part of their game.

He whirls to the side, back into darkness. His shoe makes a noise as it shifts on the gravel, but it barely registers. He blinks rapidly, playing the movement back, checking he saw what he thought he saw, not just what he wanted. Why would he want that? (Except wasn’t that his secret hope, wasn’t he sad when he realised he was wrong?) He doesn’t want that. It was just…

Logic. Logic. They’re brothers. He doesn’t know what characteristics they shared, and he doesn’t know when they last talked. There are any number of explanations; indeed, they’re lining up in his brain, each one ready to squash down the live-wire burst of shock. Coincidence (rarely so lazy), or wishful thinking, or his brain overlaying a strong moment from his past onto something innocuous.

Sherlock breathes out, and looks back through the window. David is rinsing the plates at the sink, ready for the dishwasher. Just a too-thin, tired man. Sherlock calms himself, and walks back around the house to let himself back in. He has to see this through. He has to know what he’s doing here, and then there’ll be no need to come back.

-

To What End? by collaborativesheriartyparty

(Ao3; Sheriarty) Texting, drinks, and...something more. Unique. Possibly dangerous. Definitely addicting. — I don’t know what to say about this series that someone else hasn’t already said but gods, they (the writers) are so good. There’s a depth and a complexity and a lovely, wonderful vulnerability to how both of them write their respective characters and watching Jim and Sherlock’s relationship unfold feels incredibly intimate and, at times, like I should have given them a bit of time alone. It’s fantastic. <3

Sherlock had a funny way of getting revenge, of paralyzing his enemy.  Jim appreciated it.  Why do with effort what could be done with a whisper?  The nights he’d dreamt of the detective had transformed his mornings, either giving him a renewed sense of patience or a real urge to get creative in his ventures.  Jim had wanted to give Sherlock every chance to notice him, and chase him down.  If Sherlock slipped cuffs on his wrists right now with a ‘gotcha’, would it be worth it? Yes. “I think…” Jim murmured, his tongue darting out to wet his suddenly dry lips and, oops, brushing Sherlock’s lobe in the process, “that you should be texting John.” How he managed sing-song just now was a bloody feckin’ wonder.  Maybe because he only took John so seriously.  “Telling him you’ll be home…soon,” Jim continued, tone back to a distracted drawl, and took another deep inhale of Sherlock, his leg almost brushing the other’s now.  To Jim, they were the only people in the bar right now, in the world.  His eyes had closed, and it took every effort to keep his hands off Sherlock. “Instead of starting something you don’t want to finish.”  He’d intended warning, but somehow it had turned out sounding like a challenge.

-

Circadian Disruption by @like-the-direction

(Ao3; Sheriarty) They are many things--brilliant, determined, enemies, lovers, human only in looks--and, if Molly has any say in it, soon they’ll also be free. — It was a tie for me between this series and Corpus Callosum--both invoke similar levels of internal joyful screaming, but I seem to recall CC being recced recently, so I thought it might be a good idea to rec this one. And oh, gods, what to say about these fics. They’re so incredibly well written--the prose is beautiful and feels impeccably well-thought out. There’s so many layers to everything that it’s impossible for me to read without finding myself just sitting there, wondering. And crying. This one makes me cry, too.

“Do you dream of waterfalls?”

Sherlock pauses mid-step.

“Waterfalls,” Moriarty says, hushed, “and a precipice.  You, and me.”  There is something in his voice, a quiet heartbreak, and it cracks ever so slightly when he asks, “Do you dream of falling?”

Slowly, Sherlock turns.  Moriarty is deadly serious when he meets his eyes.

“Victorian clothing,” he goes on, while the image - the recurring dream Sherlock has had since the day he met James Moriarty face to face - begins to form in his mind’s eye.  “Me, all in black.  You, wearing that fucking--”

“Deerstalker,” Sherlock says in unison with him, unsure what is happening, but feeling in his bones that it is significant, important somehow.  Moriarty nods a bit, and Sherlock slowly continues, “I...refer to you as--”

“‘Professor,’” Moriarty finishes with him, and Sherlock is dimly aware of his pulse rising as he makes his way back toward Moriarty at the ledge.  His adversary’s eyes briefly appear wet, but it’s difficult to tell in the light.  Moriarty says, “We stand at the cliff’s edge, and I ask you something.  I ask, ‘Shall we--’”

“‘Shall we go over together?’” Sherlock whispers with him.  They are standing so close.  Sherlock can see his reflection in Moriarty’s eyes.  “Why do you know that?” he asks faintly, looking between his twin reflections.  “How could you know that?”

“You tell me, Detective.”

It’s a test - Moriarty knows, certainly he knows - but Sherlock thinks he may, as well.  “It...wasn’t a dream.”

-

dinner by @very-trivial​

(Ao3; Jimcroft) Mycroft Holmes is a dangerous man--mysterious, isolated. Sherlock and Jim are convinced he’s secretly a top government official, but they can’t begin to comprehend the scale of his power. To clarify: Mycroft Holmes is a food critic. — This fic never fails to cheer me up. It’s lovely and the descriptions of food, as well as the character interactions, are so amazingly spot-on. Jim and Sherlock’s insistence that Mycroft is a scary government-man is surprisingly funny, particularly alongside Mycroft’s worry that they’ll figure out what his job really is. Also, the end is oddly heartwarming? The whole thing is just really good.

“You’re a crit-”

A hand slapped over Jim’s mouth.

Despite everything Jim now knew about Mycroft Holmes, in this very moment, he looked scarier than ever.

“I’ll tell you everything, but not a single word passes through your mouth - not now, not ever,” the man hisses, sotto voce. The silencing hand did not relent one millimeter as he pressed on. Jim was starting to regret seating them in a corner booth away from prying eyes.

“If my identity so much as appears as a  rumor  on the D-list food  vlogs  , I will make sure you never eat in this town again. You’ll never be able to order  curry  without wondering if the dish has been tampered with. Maybe poison, maybe they just spit in it. I have clout in this world, Jim Moriarty, and you don’t. You put my name out there and  I will use it  . I have friends in high places,  sir , and they owe me favors. I’ve made careers, I’ve launched veritable nobodies into international stardom. Don’t think for one moment you’ll ever be able to set foot into any decent restaurant again if you cross me. You'll live off cheap instant noodles for the rest of your life. Not even the good Korean kind.”

--

Fable

The Sergeant by deadpan riot

(FFN; m!Sparrow & Reaver) Reaver returns home from Samarkand to find Sparrow has usurped his home. Oh, and Sparrow has a new pet. — First things first: I adore deadpan riot’s Sparrow; our Sparrows are somewhat similar, so it makes this fic (well, actually series but the series isn’t up in full) a really easy read for me. This fic balances out the ridiculousness and hilarity of poorly-paired roommates (with a pet balverine) and the solemnity and almost depression that comes from everything that happens in Fable II and all the choices one makes but still manages to keep the story lighthearted and well-paced.

"Did you know, my dear boy, that that beast of yours has, in fact, retained a marginally functional knowledge of the human language? Illiteracy aside, of course…" Reaver toyed with one of the bottles nearest him, watching the hero through his bangs. Smiles had again gone to try his luck at bottle roulette.

"Well, yea, I guessed as much since he does tend to listen to me…But what the hell are you two doing?" Sparrow was now coming down the stairs, prompting Reaver to stretch languidly across them.

"Whiling away my time banished to the foyer, what else?"

Sparrow stopped on the step above Reaver, eyeing the pirate, the bottles, and the general disarray of the room at large. "So 'whiling away the time' includes turning all the pictures upside down as well?"

Reaver cast a glance at the reversed paintings. "As a matter of fact it does, oddly enough."

-

Snow and Stones by Lilith Encodead

(FFN; f!Sparrow/Reaver) Reaver hears rumours that someone new has taken control of Bloodstone only to find Sparrow and a cursed snowglobe waiting for him. — Considering I prefer platonic Sparrow and Reaver fics, you might be surprised to learn this is my favourite Fable fic of all time. And it kills me that it’s not complete. Lilith creates such an amazing atmosphere in here and there’s such a gravity to the fic that everything, even the lighter moments, just seem to carry a lovely weight to them. The way she writes Sparrow and Reaver is gorgeous too, and I just...Lilith, wherever you are, please??? finish??? fic??? D: Please???

"I'm not going to play your stupid little game." she sneered slowly. "If you want answers - look around."

Reaver did not move. He did not speak. Then, ungraciously he eased his grip, before giving his pistol one last shove into her head. Her fontanelle was knocked back into the stone Cullis Gate, as the force reverberated through her skull. With an aching head and blurred vision, Sparrow watched him rise up and survey his surroundings.

Reaver examined the hauntingly empty area briefly, before looking straight back at Sparrow, as if averting his eyes from something disgustingly gory. Around the two of them were the smashed remains of once mighty stone ruins covered in ivy and surrounded by dandelion weeds. Jagged lumps of stone nested the Cullis Gate, depicting faded carvings of the Old Religion bleached by sun and faded with time. A standalone rock archway stood crumbling in front of them; beyond which was a chalky white path leading down to the town.

Every water, every cell, of Reaver's body could sense a foreboding danger through the archway, down the dusty path, and back to his past.

"This is a trick." he insisted. "An elaborate deception fabricated by a vindictive Will-user."

Sparrow remained sat on the Cullis Gate, knowing that Reaver would knock her down again if she gave another dissatisfactory answer.

"Its not." she said simply, as if talking to a child that should know better. "You know it's not."

-

That Which Moves the Stars by ingresviolin

(Ao3; f!HoBW/Reaver, f!HoBW/Ben Finn) Beatrice, empath and princess, embarks on a quest to find her missing father shortly after her mother’s death. — It’s still in early days, but there’s something very charming and curious about this fic. I love that the quest is mainly research-based so far and that all the characters have a wonderfully defined depth and clarity. I’m so curious and excited to see how it all comes together in the end.

"You look very young for being very old," Beatrice whispered at a nearly inaudible level. Her mother and Logan did not catch the comment, but both men at the table did. Reaver glared at her with the same menacing expression as earlier that day, but his eyes were darker than before. Beatrice felt an internal prickle of excitement: her favorite feeling.

She didn't need to touch Reaver to know he was upset, but as his glare darkened her excitement turned to fear. She could see her own image in the darkness of his pupils, as well as the glowing flames of the fireplace behind her. And she could have sworn to Avo that the two were not separate, but that the Beatrice-shaped homunculus at the center of the tiny conflagration in his eyes was being burned alive.

[kae-karo]

pls post your mine hcs!!! i would love to hear them b

hi b! for context (x) okay i should clarify, i shouldn’t have called them hcs as i think people take that with a lot of connotation to mean ‘i actually think this happened/would happen’ when really it’s more like...

okay. if i were to write a fic with dnp as characters who exist exactly as we see them (as in, we know everything abt their personalities, which irl we absolutely do not) then this is how i imagine the character of dan would see most of the songs on ‘a brief inquiry into online relationships’ and why he would say that he feels ‘personally attacked by literally every song on this album’ - to be clear, i don’t think this is actually what dan thinks! please treat this as fiction!

bear with me bc i wanna talk abt some of the others first (i also wanted to include the links to the genius interviews where matt talks abt some of the meanings behind the songs, but it doesn’t have all of them so check out the lyrics as well)

give yourself a try (x) - i mean obviously this is the one dan felt he related to most/felt most safe posting about how he related to it/was personally attacked by it, but the whole thing is like. being yourself, and like? embracing yourself? as a person? as whoever you truly are? and they keep coming back to the idea of authenticity with this whole album, and i think that’s part of why dan would be so ‘attacked’ by this album bc he’s in the throes of his own search for authenticity

love it if we made it (x) - this one’s fun bc it’s basically all about how fucked up society is and like. all the things that’ve gone wrong, how society is just so beyond messed up, and it’s like. yes. all of this is so wrong, messed up, but there’s hope? like we can be self-aware, we can make differences, and i would imagine dan listening to this and feeling like. maybe torn? because there are some things where he’s trying to make a difference but some where he would want to but not know how? so y’know personal attack on him in the sense that it’s a personal attack on everyone - we’re all complicit, in a way, and part of it is just because we know all this is happening but how much do any of us try to enact change? i imagine that’s something that keeps dan up at night, tbh. i mean the man spent an hour picking up snails off a sidewalk so they wouldn’t get squished

be my mistake (x) - this one is interesting bc the artist explains it’s really just about guilt, on a deeper level, and about not knowing what you want? ultimately even tho it’s about like a hookup with someone you don’t know that you really want, i think dan would take this more at the deep level of like. having no idea what he wants in life (something he’s said before, multiple times) and? perhaps in a sense, going back to things that he knows don’t actually represent what he wants (ie, that don’t feel authentic) but knowing the outcome and maybe just feeling safe or at least feeling something significant from them, maybe like he’s fulfilling what other people want of him by doing these things even if they don’t quite feel like him

sincerity is scary (x,x) - i think this is one of the ones dan would feel calls him out the most - it’s all about a person’s relationship with social media, authenticity, and self-perception over external perception? so like. the entire first verse is all about hiding behind a mask of irony and like. i think for dan that’s a hard-hitting callout? and i don’t just mean his whole brand of how everything was done/said ‘ironically’, more that even now he hides his fears behind jokes and such, bc that’s a culturally relevant way to do things (’you try and mask your pain in the most post-modern way’). the whole idea is like. if you’re being ironic, if you’re masking everything behind jokes and insincerity, you can’t actually be judged the way you can if you’re authentic and sincere? so like. there’s dan’s fear of judgment plastered all over this song, his fear of people looking at him for who he is and disliking it or perceiving it in a way he doesn’t like (’and why would you believe you could control how you’re perceived when at your best you’re intermediately versed in your own feelings’) it’s like. and he’s said this a couple times now, but he doesn’t always know why he does/thinks certain things, there’s not always a reasoning behind it, and i think that for him, that contributes to his struggles with authenticity. i think this is really doubly intriguing when ttlmt is taken into account as well? bc he specifically says that for ‘some people’ (aka him i mean this is known at this point) unless they’re being honest with themselves, they won’t feel free. and i think that’s like. dan’s internal struggle right now/this past year: how to balance his evident need for authentic and honest self-expression with his deep-rooted fear of judgment of his authentic self. i mean read the damn title of the song, sincerity is scary

i like america & america likes me (x) - i’m sure there’s a deeper meaning to how dan would interpret it (aside from the obvious and intentional callout about guns in america) but all i can think about is talking about being on fire, being a liar, ‘is that designer?’ etc, and the death of dinof. but also y’know about calling out things that are Wrong 

the man who married a robot / love theme (x) - i think this one is maybe one that dan felt absolutely viscerally attacked by, this is a direct callout on his relationship with the internet and his audience. it’s presented as a relationship, a friendship, a love, but like if you step back and go ‘this is about a person and an audience’ it’s so so much more heartbreaking. i mean the internet saying ‘i love you very very much...i never ever want us to be apart ever again ever’ like that’s us that’s literally us we want constant content from them? and i think for a time, dan did feel like he would want that. because that’s fame, right? ‘and he would always always agree with him. this was the man’s favorite’ i know this is a commentary on like generally the culture of the internet but i have a feeling this is something dan would feel p hard. but i would imagine ‘i feel like i can tell you anything’ is the part that would be the most gutting, bc he put so so much of himself out here for us. and i would also wonder how hard the abruptness of the ending would hit - the sudden ‘and then he died’ after ‘man does not live by bread alone’, the acknowledgement that dan couldn’t just survive on his audience (and, more extensively, the internet), and how 1. he could still die lonely, had that been how he felt (i don’t think he does, but diversifying oneself and one’s relationships is emphasized here) and 2. the almost insignificance of an online presence, in objective terms, like. all that’s left of this lonely person is his facebook. i think that ties in really strongly with dan’s desire to leave something physical behind, like tabinof and dapgo and the ii dvd, something as physical evidence they existed and made an impact

inside your mind (x) - so concept is just...seeing inside your partner’s head? and like i feel like that’s something dan would want, or care a lot about, in some sense. a bit violent, lyrically, but i wouldn’t doubt that he cares (or, perhaps at a time in his past, cared) about it quite a lot some days. i think he just really cares about what other people think about him, probably especially phil, but also like the deep desire to understand someone? esp someone you love

it’s not living (if it’s not with you) (x) - okay this one’s very straight up about heroin addiction but i would definitely wonder if dan felt it like. in connection to phil in some ways? and i know the easy connection would be that dan wouldn’t be able to stop thinking abt phil and uwu it’s not living if it’s not with phil but the lyrics are actually quite dark? i would actually guess it had more to do with like. he couldn’t stop thinking about phil and wanting to like. be openly with phil (heyyy that authenticity yo) but also like. the repercussions of openly being in a mlm relationship on his life and his career at the time, and even now, ‘if i choose, then i lose’ like if he picks being open, there may be consequences in his career (although, more and more lately i wonder if he doesn’t care so much anymore), but ofc if he picks his career, he’s suffering from this lack of authenticity that’s haunted him for a while

i couldn’t be more in love (x) - so the whole song is more about a relationship with an audience/fanbase, and like what would happen if people just stopped caring and how like. putting so much time and effort into their relationship w. an audience and like, what about the creator’s feelings? i think dan would take that really seriously, like, we’re all really nice most of the time but what if we stopped caring? and like how would that affect him, after having given us nine+ years of himself? the other thing it touches on is the idea of just relying on ‘all the things that i did right’ ie depending on the things that made him popular, and i could see dan looking at that and wondering if he’s relied on that in the past, maybe this past year has been his attempt to move forward, or maybe his year of less activity (in the form of dinof vids) has been him relying on the things that got him where he is in order to keep his fanbase - so then, does that let him expand more, do more of the things he wants instead of, oh, idk, giving the people what they want? or does he feel obligated to do more of what the people want, since that’s what got him where he is?

i always wanna die (sometimes) (x) - it’s a meme but generally like. existence is exhausting? and that’s the whole idea? like god sometimes just doing stuff day to day is so so tiring, and i think that’s something that resonates with dan? and there’s a lot of other meaning about like death n stuff, and like. some days suck but you have to keep going? bc your life doesn’t just affect you it affects everyone and maybe that’s motivation for you maybe it isn’t but you have to realize that giving up is also something that affects everyone. maybe that’s something dan would see in relation to his depression and phil, and how resigning himself can really harm those around him as well

kay now the fun one

mine (x) - this whole fucking thing is a testament to dnp i can’t even fucking type correctly rn bc i’m so passionate abt this okay. literally the opening and closing lines are ‘there comes a time in a young man's life / he should settle down and find himself a wife / but i'm just fine cause i know that you are mine’ like if you try to tell me for a single fucking second that’s not dnp i will come to your house and make you listen to it on repeat until u understand okay. but like. that’s their whole thing right? they’re each other’s and that’s what matters? god i’m gonna literally do this (almost) line by line: ‘i fight crime online sometimes’ = dan’s desire to be this positive force on the internet. ‘and write rhymes i hide behind’ = oh dan’s diss track hmmm (but more generally, he makes jokes that he hides his fear and other things behind). ‘i’m fine if you are fine’ = oh u cannot tell me that’s not how dan feels? about phil? that he finds happiness in knowing phil’s happy? and then of fucking course ‘looking back on 2009 / when people said that it was raining all the time / i see sunshine cause i know you are mine’ oof that hits hard right in the feels okay dan definitely heard this and smiled his fucking face off cause u know in spite of whatever bullshit he had going on in 2009 he definitely still saw it as a bright spot in his life bc he met phil that’s just the truth. what i’m really interested in is the third verse ‘for some reason i just can’t say ‘i do’’ like. would dan possibly feel that way? i have no idea. but at the very least, it’s definitely something that dan would feel in some way, bc they’re not open abt their relationship and a marriage would obviously make it Very open. ugh sorry this one just hits hard and like. just knowing dnp have each other in whatever sense that actually means it’s like. physically painful in a good way. bless them

[sonthirteen]

      ❝       one drop of wine is enough to R E D D E N a whole glass of water       ❞

Get to know HANS ISLES who’s TWENTY-SIX years old and works as a LAWYER in town. He is from CORONA and is often times mistaken for DACRE MONTGOMERY while others say he reminds them of HANS from FROZEN. 

rubbish husband, evil man, king of my heart. take this sad asshole !! tw: neglect, mental illness shaming, internalised homophobia, mentioned panic attacks

[ pinterest ] 

BIOGRAPHY:

✧ unlucky number thirteen. it’s no wonder nobody cared about hans, really -- his brothers would bully him and his parents would call it character building; his nannies would forget him and he would have to look after himself; he would be scolded for crying by everyone he knew, and he was once such an emotional little boy. hans learns from a very early age that he must fend for himself, for it is a dog eat dog world and being eaten alive is not an option.

✧ his family is rich, which gives him a lot of opportunities. it gave him connections for his career -- if anyone bothered to help him out, that is -- and it gave him the best education that money could buy, but it gave hans something more important: it allowed him to find his passion and make friends. his passion for sailing became a great skill, for which he has won awards for ( not that his family noticed ), and he found friends in his horses. he was allowed to try whatever he wanted, because it meant nobody was looking after him. as a result, hans has great skills in sailing, horse riding, and dance.

✧ but no matter what he does, no matter how hard he tries and how much effort he puts in, his family don’t care. his parents are uninterested and his siblings mock him for trying too hard. he doesn’t know what to do -- he becomes sad, his nerves worked up too easily, and he briefly considers seeing a therapist. he mentions it at fourteen years old to a brother he was closest to, which lead him to being humiliated by his whole family. it would be embarrassing, they said, to have an isles boy in a therapist office. it would be bad for the image. hans does not mention it again.

✧ instead, something turns in hans, and it is for the worst. he becomes biting and manipulative and cold because it’s the only way he can be respected by his family, and he needs to be respected by his family. they still don’t take him seriously, but it’s a step in the right direction. he loses friends along the way but hans figures if they can’t keep up with him, that’s not his fault -- if he thinks any differently, he might end up spiralling, and he can’t afford a setback. so instead, he stays a clever, handsome, mysterious, rich young man. stays quiet and keeps his head down and succeeds because there is nothing else he can do.

✧ hans, by the way, is very much in the closet. he hasn’t told anybody that he’s maybe even thinking that he might be anything other than straight. he’s had a few girlfriends, a few flings, enough to keep the suspicion off of him. his parents have never expressly been homophobic, but he is so aware that everything he does is a disappointment that he can’t help but think it’s a step out of line. he can’t help but think that even if it’s a committed and loving relationship, it’ll be a disappointment. but it’s a disappointment if he doesn’t bring anyone home, either, so what is a man to do ?

✧ the emotional little boy that hans used to be is still there underneath his expensive suits and bravado, somewhere deep down. he instead hides that child away with his charming smirks and witty remarks because that’s all he knows how to do. that child he once was is still there, watching the world around the wicked adult, showing himself every so often in his frustrated tears and gritted teeth. hans does not know who he is, but he knows he wants to impress. he wants to look good and sound good so that perhaps, one day, he will be good.

✧ hans is uncertain about all the new faces in corona, but he hopes some good will come of it. though, knowing his luck, it will turn sour -- and he will take the fall for it, as often is the case with these sorts of things. he will try, all the same, to keep to himself and not bother people, because if any bad word gets back to his parents, that will be the real humiliation for him.

HEADCANONS:

POSITIVE: charming, intelligent, adaptable, ambitious, resourceful, romantic, self-reliant

NEGATIVE: manipulative, unforgiving, high-strung, snobbish, arrogant, cunning, entitled

his best friends has always been his horses, honestly. he didn’t socialise well as a kid because we was riddled with anxiety and it was easier to talk to horses and run away on them than it was to make friends.

his parents just wanted him out of the house so they let him sign up for whatever he wanted. as a result, he’s an excellent dancer, a fantastic horse rider and rearer, and an award winning sailor.

huge lover of classic lit. it makes him look like a pretentious dick but that’s exactly what he is. huge fan of tolstoy, shakespeare, homer, and dickens. has been known to quote these at people.

stans true crime documentaries and his interest in them probably lead him into law -- aside from the whole impressing his parents thing, which was also a huge motivator. 

has considered entering politics as a career move, but wants to get a few high profile cases under his belt before making that transition because he imagines that will be easier and making him more desirable. 

definitely a sufferer of anxiety attacks, and is hugely embarrassed by them. locks himself away and becomes much more biting in the fear moments after it passes.

guess who has a fear of intimacy ! guess who can’t have serious emotional relationships for fear of disappointing somebody ! guess who’s deeply in the closet ! guess who’s mortified by this fact ! it’s hans ! he figures if a relationship has got a social benefit for him, it’s workable, but otherwise he’s not interested and is a little afraid of commitment and serious romantic feelings.

aesthetic: white horses, new leather smell, expensive cologne, heavy books, sunburn, rolling your eyes, hot tea, frustrated tears, mirrors, cold hands, sly winks, lying through your teeth, chess boards, that sinking feeling of disappointment, huffing through your nose, expensive clothes, seabirds, keeping a diary, shattered glass, being overdressed, spices, the sound of waves crashing against rocks.

character insp. aka characters he relates to: elle woods ( legally blonde ), jay gatsby ( the great gatsby ), fedya dolokhov ( war and peace ), frasier crane ( frasier ), and romeo montague ( romeo and juliet )

WANTED CONNECTIONS:

troubled friends: trouble finds trouble, misery loves company. this is a squad of misunderstood villain-types just trying to make their way in the world. ( OPEN 0 / 3 )

good influence: someone who’s a good influence on him, because lord knows he needs one. somebody who won’t get cross with him when others do. ( OPEN 0 / 1 )

bad influence: somebody who encourages all the bad shit he does. someone who goads him just enough for hans to not even notice they’re doing it. ( OPEN 0 / 1 )

someone who he is a bad influence to: x ( OPEN 0 / 1 )

high school sweetheart: when hans’ bad was brewing, he was dating your character. they broke up shortly after high school ended. details tbd.  ( OPEN 0 / 1 )

sailing team buddies: as it says on the tin. they’ve won awards, they’re so damn good. can have known each other for years. ( OPEN 0 / 2 )

dance partner: idk somebody in his dance class who he’s been dancing with for years. likely the closest thing hans has to a brunch buddy. ( OPEN 0 / 1 )

childhood friend: lil pals growing up together !! somebody who has seen him transform over the years and may or may not be in support of that transformation. ( OPEN 0 / 1 )

first same sex interaction: this person is incredibly confident in their sexuality, where hans is not. open to male or male aligned nb. ( OPEN 0 / 1 )

a few ex-flings: open to any female characters. hans is a bit of a heartbreaker, which is for some people, rather attractive. ( OPEN 0 / 3 )

current string-along: somebody hans is potentially bringing home to meet his family. female character. MUST be discussed before being taken. ( OPEN 0 / 1 )

[trifoliate-undergrowth]

Hey so I vented on here more than I usually do, so I felt like I should post a follow-up reassuring anyone who saw my earlier posts about Those Horrible Emails (they really were horrible) that I’m currently home for break and doing OK. Long personal post under the cut. 

That One Person has started going to counseling, supposedly they were considering it already and me flipping out at them over what they apparently thought was a not that bad email (how...) encouraged them to finally go. The last session helped them realize that they’re really, really, really good at insulting people... without realizing it. (again, HOW) which they have apparently gone their whole, very adult life without realizing, despite the fact that they constantly drive people away from them with their complete lack (like it’s not even a zero it’s a negative number) of social skills (AGAIN? HOW??). But hey they might be a lot of things (and a person who has said a lot of extremely hurtful things to me habitually in the past is one of them!) but they’re not self-deceiving and they were real shook about it and supposedly want to change. 

Like, as they told it to me, this is how a conversation with their counselor went: 

Counselor: So how would you use this word?  Family Member: Oh, well, [example of something they’d say] Counselor: Noooo! That’s insulting and antagonizing!  Family Member: Whut? Really?? Oh No

Break so far has been very nice. I don’t know how much they’ve really changed, at this point; their attitude so far is probably at least partly just trying to smooth things over and not have me be mad at them anymore, idk. But I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt because, as annoying as it is to admit, they are actually trying. 

Seriously how the fuck do you go so many years telling someone that you can’t stand them and nothing they do is good enough in everything but those words, repeatedly get confused by that person reacting to what any normal person would interpret as the meaning of their words, and still never think ‘huh there appears to be a serious problem with communication here maybe I should try to figure out what’s going wrong before I seriously hurt this person I actually care about’  how can you NEVER think that over YEARS of interactions, how dumb could you POSSIBLY be Because I truly do believe they actually care, they’re just THE WORLD’S WORST at any sort of human interaction whatsoever and I still kind of feel like they hate me, despite evidence to the contrary. Because there’s also a lot of evidence for them hating me. Supposedly it was all an accident but goddamn that’s a long accident. 

Anyway. I obviously haven’t healed overnight. But Family Member of the Horrible Emails has actually responded to my concerns and started getting counseling, which is a good indication that maybe for once in my life they are actually going to gain some self-awareness and make an attempt at being a more tolerable person. 

And break so far has been... good. I’ve gotten a bit more self-aware since I was last here too. And Family Member as I mentioned before has been very chill and positive and friendly, as they can be sometimes, pity it’s not more often. 

Anyway. I don’t expect we won’t have more trouble, I doubt that’s realistic. I’m still very hurt over the YEARS of shit I put up with from this person. But they are making an effort to change, and I know they do care (surprisingly!). And it’s a season of peace and forgiveness and gratitude, and holding a grudge isn’t Christian, so I’ve forgiven them. I’m honestly not sure what that means. It doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten anything. I still don’t trust them entirely, but I trust them a little bit. And I hope they can get better. And I don’t want to put my energy into hating them, that won’t make anything better. And deep down I do care about them. 

I love this person, and there’s a lot of good in them, and they try so hard. And they do care about me. I just can’t believe they got so far in life without ever addressing any of the many things wrong with them. I can’t believe they legitimately never realized, despite being told, repeatedly, that they were hurting those around them, on a regular basis. But I guess it is hard to see your own flaws. And maybe it’s finally gotten through to them. I hope. 

This is a mess and I kind of wish I hadn’t brought it up on this fairly public blog, but maybe it’ll help someone, idk. Maybe you can help me. Offer guidance if you will. If you’re reading this, thank you for listening, and I hope you have a good day with minimum family drama and maximum forgiveness. 

[yessoupy]

annual writing self-evaluation

All answers should be about works published in 2018.

tagged by: @ferryboatpeak ⚾

i. Optional if applicable: link to last year’s self evaluation:

honestly i don’t remember if i did one

1. List of works published this year (in the order that they were posted):

At The Very Least (Lilo)

pastoralis princeps (dactylic hexameter about harry and farm animals)

don’t think, you can only hurt the ballclub (chapman/olson, oakland A’s)

Shared Space (desus, the walking dead)

A Taste Of Your Own (hitch)

ilia rumpens (desus)

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

MOST proud of... probably the mlb slash. I hadn’t published anything in that fandom seriously since December 2013 and if you know anything about the A’s, you know there’s like hardly anyone (Marcus Semien??) left from that season. When I got my camera I ended up with dozens of shots of Marcus and Matt Olson fucking around during warmups and I thought for months that when I finally wrote A’s slash again that would be the pairing but heartbreak will change you. I placed them in the rented house that the young bachelors of the early 00′s A’s had rented to reference the intense nostalgia I’d felt the entire season. The only really surprising thing is that this wasn’t fic about Tim Lincecum finally accepting that he was out of baseball and making a life for himself again. I guess I’ll write that when (IF) we get a retirement announcement.

Another reason I’m proud of this is that I was writing for basically one other person who didn’t know I was writing it and it’s not even her team, but I knew she’d read it. So it was truly a labor of love.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

The pinch-hitting I did for the exchange I ran. I posted it in the day between my Texas Harry shows (and the afternoon before I got to the ballpark at Arlington to see NICK MARTINI had made it up) and I think if I’d had like ... a week of summer break to just focus on it it could have been much better. I’d actually cribbed a shitload of stuff from this thing I was writing for baseball that there was no way I’d ever finish/publish because I’d gotten too close to the player.

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

here’s a lil bit from each fandom, how’s that?

hitch, the reveal

The poetic license, Harry’s tongue flicking out to wet his lips as the arena fills in the wrong phrase, over and over, what he’d actually had and not what had sat there as a provocation on his person as Harry had leveled that slow-blink up at him and slithered down off the couch, naked still but for the ink needled into his skin. Mitch hasn’t recovered, not fully, for during these few minutes when Harry closes his eyes and embodies Mitch’s own confession in front of thousands of strangers he’s back on the couch.

TWD (shared space), daryl being daryl. helpful, but also generally confused by civilization.

Daryl clocked a shocked look on the face of one of the workers from the Kingdom. He glared until the man got his eyes off the pair. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Paul.” He kept his mouth shut the rest of the way to the kitchens where they were greeted like conquering heroes for their haul. He tried to put Paul’s weird shit aside and he succeeded for awhile. He took a watch shift out beyond the wall for a couple hours and repaired one of their fences inside. Maggie made a face at him when he trekked through Barrington House looking for some tool or another one of the construction guys was asking about.

“Least take off your shoes at the door, Daryl.”

Daryl was rummaging in a drawer in the kitchen and gave her a disbelieving stare. “You serious?”

“We’re building a civilization and you’re tracking in God knows what from God knows where.”

“Never bothered you before.” He spied a pair of vise grips and yanked them out of the drawer. Wrong tool for every job, he thought, should do the trick. “Anything else you gotta tell me?”

“Real glad to see you and Jesus hitting it off.”

Daryl rolled his eyes and slid the drawer shut. “Alright. I’m leaving.”

“I’m just saying.”

“Bye!”

baseball, the consummate professional being made aware of something not baseball.

Maybe Matt shouldn’t have been surprised by any of this. Maybe this was where everything had always been going, this instead. With Olson’s mouth working over his slowly, gently, one hand hooked around his side and the other holding his head in place, maybe the 2018 season wasn’t about playing deep into October, but instead priming him for this moment right here. He’s never had a thought like that, that something was more than baseball, and it’s fitting that should come right here, wrapped up in his first baseman’s arms with the breath kissed out of him.

5. Share or describe a favorite comment you received:

@the-well-rested-one sent me a really nice message about the hitch fic, about how it has impact for being so short. When I was writing it I let a lot of conventions fall by the wayside in the effort to get the idea out of my head (idea was conceived and executed over the course of one day) so it was v nice to hear it had impact. My fandom buddy also screenshot the first paragraph and circled where I’d had “the the” and I also v much appreciated that. 😂

additionally, @runthroughthegarden‘s comments on my dactylic hexameter were such a pleasant surprise and i can now announce that i officially have a beta for my latin verse going forward. lollllllllllllllll

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

Well, when your fave character is still alive (and in a happy relationship with his boyfriend) in the original source material but you’ve known for months they’re killing him off, the week before the episode where that actually happens is a v difficult week. Although based on when my works are published, you could say that the first 5 months of the year is difficult.

7. A scene or character that you wrote that surprised you:

Oh well, I never had any intention to write from Mitch’s POV but it was surprisingly easy. I think it helped a lot to remember he was from Indiana (a state I know well) and had he been 15 years older he’d have been recording tracks in my uncle’s basement. Also so many of us feel like Harry caught us unawares and we were helpless in the face of his charms, and that’s Mitch.

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

Hmmm. Well, I finally wrote TWD fic after having been in fandom since the beginning???? That’s 2010, folks. Finally felt like I had a handle on Daryl Dixon.

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

It’d be great to actually have the ability to write something long. I feel like the ideas I have are for short pieces.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

Let’s go with @chasm2018 because without her I definitely wouldn’t have written that hitch fic. She’s good at pushing me to write what I don’t actually NEED to be writing but absolutely SHOULD be writing.

11. Anything in your real life show up in your writing this year:

Oh that lilo fic for sure. And We Are All Mitch.

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

IDK that it’s new, more like reinforced, but just fucking write what you want to write. 

13. Any new projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

I can’t believe I left Poe and Marek alone this entire year, seems unbelievable. I didn’t REALLY, because there’s a couple of docs I definitely fucked around in (including one with Marek and Caz), but nothing got anywhere close to a complete story. I’ll rectify that in 2019.

14. Tag three writers/artists whose answers you’d like to read:

not tagging anyone specifically but if you’re reading this and want to do it, consider yourself tagged (and pls tag me so i can read yours).

[qqueenofhades]

Okay, idk but I feel like before all of this Rittenhouse stuff happened, Garcia would be the 'good guy' in the while Wyatt would be a sort of 'bad boy'. I mean with what we've heard of with their past relationships before Rittenhouse.

Both Flynn and Wyatt are flawed characters in different ways. Flynn is a good man at heart who went dark in pursuit of vengeance/trying to take down Rittenhouse/get his family back, and self-evidently has done some pretty bad things: murder, arson, assault, etc etc. He has threatened and tried to kill Wyatt and Rufus, and kidnapped/threatened Lucy (though he has never EVER directly and actively tried to kill her individually, so). He hasn’t cared about collateral damage and he killed people even on his side (i.e. Anthony) when they became a possible liability for his mission. He had good reasons (take down Rittenhouse, who he correctly identified as the big bad from the start) but he was a blowtorch through history and he didn’t really break away from that until 1x16. So yeah. No matter how you quantify him beforehand and then in s2, he’s a bad boy for much of s1 (though as noted, wasn’t that way prior to Rittenhouse killing his family).

The thing about Flynn, however, is that he’s always been aware that what he is doing is morally questionable, he hasn’t made excuses for it, and as noted, he’s directed his efforts into stopping the Big Bads of the show – he’s on the same side as the team, hence why they’ve worked together with a surprisingly little amount of disruption in s2, just much more extreme in his methods. (Though Lucy and Wyatt haven’t been angels either, especially Wyatt, so yes.) Also, none of his trashy behavior toward Lucy occurred to her when they were in a relationship (however loosely defined). They weren’t the same level of enemies that he was with Rittenhouse (or even with Wyatt) and she stopped being frightened of him by 1x02, but they were still enemies. They fought. They were on opposite sides. But the instant she asked if she could trust him and he agreed, he changed his behavior around her for the better and was her biggest emotional support and cheerleader for the rest of the season. Once they were teammates and partners, his treatment of her was exemplary, and far better than that of the guy we’re supposed to believe is so in love with her…

…which brings me to Wyatt, God bless him. I don’t hate him, but the problem with him is that his flaws are the kind that so often get excused as “men being men” and “jealousy/possession/controlling behavior is romantic!” and otherwise is fairly in the mainstream mold for male characters we’re often supposed to like and view as love interests. Wyatt was raised by an abusive father in rural Texas, went straight to the military, and canonically was a drunk, jealous, and controlling husband to Jessica in both realities. That… does not a healthy basis for a relationship, or even a person, make. Then when he lost Lucy, we saw that spill over onto her, and she became the focus of his obsessive efforts to reclaim, just as he had done in the same unhealthy spiral with Jess. Now that he’s lost Jessica again…  who knows. He needs to do SO MUCH WORK with Lucy for me to ever buy them as a romantic couple again, and honestly, I don’t want to see her forced to sit around and wait for him to sort out his shit, especially when that energy should, as dictated by Wyatt’s character to date, go into saving and helping to “redeem” Jessica. (In scare quotes because I don’t necessarily believe she needs redeeming, just to be allowed to see what RH really is and to separate herself from it. But honestly, after how Wyatt’s treated her, why wouldn’t they feel like home?) Still mad about the lazy RH twist, but it definitely makes him look even worse to now just drop her like she’s hot, and adds an overall gross air to the writers’ handling of that entire plot.

Anyway, yes, Wyatt’s flaws are the kind that often get woobified and excused and painted as romantic, especially in the context of a relationship, rather than directly called out. He is STEEPED in toxic masculinity and it has broken him. @letmetellyouaboutmyfeels wrote a great meta recently about how Wyatt isn’t really a naturally aggressive person, and is at his best when his character is allowed to be soft, but by virtue of his upbringing and everything he’s believed, has been forced headlong into the Macho Bullshit anyway. We see him taking it out on Lucy, treating her badly, making it about his feelings rather than hers (even as she is trying SO HARD to make it gracious for him), slut-shaming and gaslighting and trying to control her, etc, then with the self-serving and poorly timed ILY. Again, this is not when they’re enemies. This is when they have been, however briefly, in a romantic relationship, and we’re theoretically supposed to be rooting for their reconciliation. That’s a big difference from Flynn.

Frankly, it is no surprise that Lucy finds Flynn the easiest of all the people in the bunker to talk to, even after opening up to him for the first time 24 hours ago and despite their complicated history. She has told him what she thinks of him from the very start, and has always been fearless about doing it. He is well aware he has a lot of making up to do and is eager to do this right, as well as having a deep respect/affection/admiration for her. He is entirely there for her, as he was about to say in 2x10, and has put a massive effort into atoning for his crappy past deeds and being what she needs from him. Mason/Denise/Rufus/Jiya are Lucy’s friends, but also her boss and co-workers, and it can be awkward to talk about personal stuff with them, especially when her connection with Flynn has been special from the start. She obviously isn’t going to talk about Jessica with this, and every time she tries to talk to Wyatt, he a) doesn’t get what she’s saying, or b) makes her feel worse. I’m sure that’s not always what he means to do. But it happens anyway.

This is also reflected in fandom treatment of the two characters. Flynn stans literally come up with nicknames to reflect his garbage ways, ask for lists of his biggest fuckups, and laugh for hours at them (seriously, @extasiswings, @prairiepirate and I can spend whole conversations raking him over the coals – it’s part of the fun of his character, in an Oh God Son You Done Fuckt Up Now way). In other words, we’ve been open from the start about him needing to do exactly what he’s done, and make it up to Lucy substantially. However, Wyatt is often treated with kid gloves (the writers’ unclear intentions about his character and how we’re supposed to view the Ly/att relationship doesn’t help) and any criticism of him is interpreted as hate and he has apparently never done anything wrong in his life and Have You Heard Flynn Kidnapped/Shoved Lucy on a Couch/FLYNN IS BAD FLYNN IS EVIL FLYNN IS VIOLENT etc.

Sigh.

Anyway, the two characters have been set up as foils from the start, with similar backstories/motivations/actions, but this season, that became REALLY apparent in regard to their relationships with Lucy, and that is just in the canon text. Flynn moved toward a much healthier relationship with her, while Wyatt moved to a much unhealthier one, and to such a degree that it would be difficult to swallow Lucy choosing to ignore one connection in favor of sitting around and hoping the other actually got his shit sorted out (and as noted, there’s the whole Jessica thing). So yes. That’s how it stands on that.

[juliivn-blog]

[ bill skarsgård, cismale, he/him, 29 ] BRAIN STEW by GREEN DAY? whenever i hear that song, it reminds me of JULIAN NILSSON. maybe because they’re SELF-RELIANT but also CAVALIER. they’ve been living at mulberry apartments since SEPTEMBER of 2018 in APARTMENT 203 and have 1 ROOMMATE. [ lainie, she/her, 21+, cst ]

hello bitches it me ( lainie ) back at it again !! this time bringing u the anti adrian and pls be wary bc there are a lot of sensitive topics down below ( tws for major drug use, drug addiction, death, grief, shitty parenting, neglect, abandonment?? kind of idk better safe than sorry ) also u can find a tl;dr at the bottom since it’s literally SO LONG

BACKGROUND

so bear with me bc his background info is kind of Long!! his mom and dad are from just outside of st louis, missouri. his mom came from a pretty wealthy family and she was just like tryna be ~rebellious in her young adult years by dating julian’s dad (who came from a super trashy family and had a Bad Boy Rep). when she was 19 and he was 22 she got pregnant ( with julian ) and her fam was like get rid of that baby or ur gone !! but they were “““madly in love””” and she was on her rebellious shit so they literally eloped to the city ( st louis ) and got an apartment together and had julian but never actually got married bc they were too cool ( read: irresponsible ) for that. ofc this ended up being rly miserable bc she was used to living the rich life and now her family had disowned her, and suddenly she was starting to realize this dude she had a kid with was kind of a deadbeat party boy with no interest in having a family, not to mention she started realizing like?? i don’t actually want a kid this is a lot of work?? so like julian’s childhood years were a lot of him having to learn to take care of himself and not having anyone to depend on most of the time. and that’s not to say they didn’t both care abt him on some level bc there were definitely times they paid attention to him and gave him a birthday party or two but for the most part he was on his own

his secret favorite memory is flying a kite with his dad when he was 4 but u would be more likely to win the lottery than get him talking abt that

fast forward 5 years and finally julian’s dad, now in his late 20s and getting antsy, peaces the fuck out to los angeles to live his best party boy life. baby julian is very upset bc even tho his dad doesnt pay a lot of attention to him he like idolizes him. julian’s mom is saltier than EVER about having to take care of a kid but she doesn’t wanna go to LA ( especially for this asshole she doesn’t even like anymore ) and her parents won’t have anything to do with her or her illegitimate child so the NEXT 5 years are a lot of moving around from shitty apartment to shitty apartment and job to job by themselves. his dad would now and then send weird postcards and letters and pictures and stuff from cali so he had like a vague idea of the fact that his dad was living his own life somewhere that looked super wild, and when he was 11 years old he sent a letter back asking if he could come live with him. his dad contacts his mom, there’s a bunch of fighting, but in the end julian did indeed get to go live with his dad in los angeles, mostly bc his mom just didn’t give a fuck anymore and was lowkey like…u know what fine take him i can have my life back

obviously his dad does not know how to be a dad !!! he kind of thought of julian as his little like…..sidekick like he just thought having this 11 year old kid around was hilarious. so julian went to LA and was living with his dad and his dad’s friends in a relatively nice apartment but like it’s always filled with people doing drugs and having sex and it’s just. not child friendly at all. so that’s how julian was introduced to weed at the ripe young age of 11!!! from there on out he was like a big time weed and cigarette smoker, was very early having sex and trying other drugs, and by the time he graduated high school he was already hardcore doing coke

so julian like kind of wanted to go to college bc some part of him did crave normalcy, but he was way too far up his own ass to get his shit together for that !! plus like….he didn’t rly have good role models. so his first year after high school instead of getting on a good path for his future he decided living his best life would include moving into an apartment with his cokehead best friend. it was around that time that julian met his first boyfriend. he was already totally aware he was bi, had slept with boys in high school, but this was the first time he rly fell in love with a guy. he was like……….head! over! heels! for this boy. julian met him at a club and he was like sort of soft and relatively innocent until they started dating and julian got him smoking weed and then snorting coke

this next part is very triggering so please read with caution !! when he was 23, julian tried heroin for the first time. for about 6 months it gradually got really bad, his life started spiraling, and his bf was like….becoming unable to deal with it, especially bc while julian was getting worse his bf was kind of trying to move in the opposite direction and get off the coke and get his life back together. there was a lot of fighting, but his bf kept not actually making the move to end things bc he loved julian and was just like hoping something would turn around. one night, however, in a moment of weakness, he let julian talk him into trying heroin with him. it was kind of an “i promise i’ll get clean if u try it with me this one time” thing. being in and out of consciousness and not really aware of what was going on, he didn’t notice that his bf was overdosing and he ended up dying simply bc the heroin was too much for his body and he stopped breathing. julian didn’t notice until the morning when he woke up, and obviously that was by far the most traumatic thing that’s ever happened to him and left some deep ass emotional scars

so following this, he actually did check himself into rehab. he was there for 3 months, got completely clean, but he only managed to stay that way for two weeks before he was first snorting heroin again and then back to shooting up and selling drugs

it was about 2 yrs later when he was 26 that he met his next bf while he was doing a deal at some seedy bar outside of town. they quickly fell into a completely unanticipated relationship–notably, julian’s first since his boyfriend’s death. in spite of that trauma and feeling guilty even as he did it, he started introducing this boyfriend to drugs. in his mind, it was kind of a thing where he fell in love really fast and really hard out of nowhere and he saw this sad little thing with no place to go and drugs are the only thing he’s ever known himself, so it was very natural to be like “here try this it helps” and also naively convincing himself he’d never let what happened before happen again

so 3 years later they’re living together and completely broke, living mostly off the money julian makes selling drugs and whatever else they can scrape up, when his bf decides he wants to do a road trip across the country. julian’s very impulsive, doesn’t really give a shit about anything in LA anyway, and to top it off has a hard time saying no to him. SO a road trip it is !! they make it all the way across the country before finally using up the last of their money and realizing they don’t have enough to get back

they stopped in north carolina for a while while julian saved up enough cash for them to at least get somewhere they liked better, which is how they wound up in baltimore !!

here their jeep completely broke down and julian sold it so that the money from that plus the money he made selling drugs they could put toward a deposit on an apartment

it’s in their heads to get back to la eventually, but baltimore is kind of their ~scene so julian’s in no hurry. he’s selling drugs again but they use a lot of what he’s supposed to sell so......they’re not going anywhere any time soon anyway ytseugukhej

PERSONALITY

so now that his lengthy as fuck background is over with………julian is an extremely EXTREMELY dry sarcastic person. the guilt over his bf has made him a hell of a lot worse, like his sense of humor is so so much darker than it was before that happened, but he’s honestly just a rly sarcastic person to begin with. he has some softness inside especially for people he rly cares abt, but you will not catch julian being sentimental or taking literally anything seriously unless you’ve managed to seriously worm your way into his heart

he’s not like a GRUMP tho at all he just….doesn’t take things seriously. he’s literally the embodiment of every bart simpson meme

“whatever my dude” is his aesthetic

he’s very careful about his drug dealing, he won’t go around talking about it or anything, he does it all under the radar as much as he can and especially having done it for so long now and having experienced a lot of traumatic crap, he’s pretty good at what he does and he won’t fuck with people he doesn’t trust

even when it’s warm it’s not totally unlikely to see him in long sleeves bc he has really bad track marks all over his arms from shooting up so much, especially in the early days when he was really bad at it

he absolutely will not talk about his past and if anything even close to it comes up in conversation he will skate right over that so qUICK ur head will spin

i think that’s IT FOR NOW if u made it this far i commend ur effort and attention span. im gna list some plots n stuff below ( beyond the song connections ) and hit me uP for some angst bc ya girl is here for the drama as usual

CONNECTION IDEAS

u can find song connections HERE

any and all drug related things !! people who buy from him ( especially weed, he’s a lot more lenient about to whom he sells weed as opposed to other stuff ), people he introduces to drugs, friends he actually does drugs with

he’s very dry and enigmatic but he’s also quite social so seriously give me friends for him. he’s high a LOT but not always and he likes being out doing stuff

definitely somebody or somebodies who don’t trust him and his drug addict bart simpson vibe please please give me people who don’t like him

along that same vein it takes a lot to get julian worked up and in fight mode bc he prefers to just let things roll off his shoulders but it would def be fun to have someone who gets him to that point

also somebody who?? maybe thinks they can “fix” him and genuinely does their best to try and persuade him to change his life and that it’s not too late to turn everything around ( this is basically the song connection medicine by daughter )

if ur muse is randomly from st louis missouri????? hit me up with a past connection from way back in julian’s childhood

also someone he went to high school with in LA if they’re from LA. this person would probably not be surprised at the way julian turned out ystefygdjhs

AND TL;DR BECAUSE THIS IS SO LONG

a drug addict and dealer who learned to take care of himself from an early age because of neglectful parents. got a boyfriend addicted to drugs and lost him to an overdose when he was in his early twenties, went to rehab, relapsed, met another bf years later with whom he decided to road trip across the country and got stuck in baltimore. dry, sarcastic, kind of a douche, epitome of every bart simpson meme, walking tragedy. 

[chckpeas]

Entry 1. Starting with a bang.

Posted and wrote this on the 8th of January, 2019. There are a lot of things that started with a bang in the past year, literally and figuratively speaking. I mean when I heard I got into my preferred study I was overwhelmed and literally felt like that my life was finally coming together. Other things that started with a bang were these two particular individuals that I came to know over the past year. I feel like as this is the first entry I’m writing, I’m starting with a bang here as well haha. So why this post? Well, my motto is to write (or blog) shit out. Besides that, I have a tragic tendency to overshare and spurt out my feelings and encounters I had when I’m in an emotional compromised situation. I wouldn’t say that I’m currently in one, however, there have been a few things I haven’t quite been able to ‘write out’. Maybe this will help. Or not, then I will probably delete this. Sit back and enjoy the juices of the following abnormal and descriptive stories I’m about to pour out about my more than underwhelming love experiences of the past year –- 2 or maybe 3 in particular, depending on how long I feel like writing for. I don’t want to sound like every other basic bitch who complains about love. Even though I am a ‘hopeless romantic’, deep inside I fucking cannot stand talking (or writing) about love. Which is probably where some of my issues lie but I’ll leave that for some self-reflective entries in the future lmao. 

Experience 1:

I’m pretty sure that you will read this but like I decided to not give a fuck anymore so let’s go. Looking back, I  realize what a tragic little thing I was. Sorry to say, but you also kinda have some asshole tendencies, or at least that’s how I interpreted some of the shit you said to me.  You may not have intended it like that, but that’s how some of the things you said came across.  Anyways, I did have fun with you. It’s those fun things I’m trying to remember and are the reason why I feel like I might still want you in my life as a friend or whatever. I mean you’re super smart, funny, politically aware, have a great taste in music and are overall one of the best people to talk to. Seriously. 

I remember when we met for the first time, we had an instant click -- at least that’s what I thought. It wasn’t awkward at all and I felt like I knew you forever. Something I have yet to this day not had before. The fact that you told me some deep personal shit and later on introduced me to your friends -- pretty sure that wasn’t planned tho, or maybe it was? -- made me open up to the idea of liking you haha.

I know for a fact that I liked you more than you liked me. At the time I thought it was okay. Maybe I was a bit naïve and looked into things more than you meant them to be. Looking back on it now, I’m not sure if I was ‘in love with/fond of you’ or just liked the idea of having with someone in general. 

I don’t want to get into it too much, but I can safely say that I am over you. There was a period I missed you, quite a lot actually, but then life happened. I guess that I have desensitized myself too much. I realise that this entry may sound like you were my first love, haha. Definitely not sry. 

The relation of this experience and the title. Hard but then again simple to explain. It’s too personal.

Experience 2:

This experience probably won’t make a lot of sense -- or may it will. I’m not really sure if this counts as one of my ‘love’ experiences as I have yet to fall in love with this person.

Our conversation may have been through text but we hit it off really well. We both acknowledged that we ‘right’  for each other and that we were basically everything that we looked for in someone. You told me that I was one of the most intriguing people you met which is probably one of the best compliments I have ever gotten -- or you just haven’t met a lot of intriguing people. It’s sweet, people have told me a lot of things, but never intriguing. Anyways, I thought you were funny and extremely nice -- you are literally one of the nicest people I have met --, maybe even too nice.  So how we actually met. We went on quite a few dates actually, at least that’s what you called them. I think our first date was at 7 in the morning after we both had gone out. I was just in bed and you called me with the genius idea to meet up. We talked until like 10 at the water near my house. Also some deep shit tbh. Our second date was kinda awkward. Idk why. I felt like I knew too much about you or something. As extroverted as you are you can be extremely introverted as well -- like me. 

Our third ‘date’ was meeting each other after haven’t spoken to you in like 2 months. We went out together. At the end of the evening, you brought me home and we made out for a looooooong time in front of my driveway. You’re probably one of the best persons I have kissed. However, my neck wasn’t all too happy for the next couple of days as you’re so tall. 

Met up with you another time when I was drunk, and you were sadly enough very sober. I said some cringy shit and basically assaulted you, I now realise. Since that our contact has consisted of you-up texts and drunken snaps meant for your friends that you ‘acciddentally’ sent to me, about me. 

I could've/should’ve put more effort in you but I had written you off as too nice and got distracted by other people. We have made plans for after your exams and I hope I can like ‘repair’ shit. -- sry deleted the third experience cuz ye --

And this is where I stop cuz this entry is soooooooo long. Whoever read this, i hope you enjoyed it. I spent 1,5 hours writing it instead of studying lololol. Maybe I’ll update it later. 

[livingthroughchoices-blog]

The Marshmallow Chronicles (Ch. 9: Race to the Finish)

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Author’s notes: Hey guys! I know I said I probably wouldn’t be able to update but guess what? I love procrastinating school so this happened! It’s been a really stressful week so it felt great to write. However, idk if you’ll like this chapter that much ‘cause there’s not as much interaction between our favorite idiots in love /: which is also why it’s shorter. But I did my best to make it (somewhat?) interesting. As always, thanks to everyone for reading, liking, reblogging and commenting! And special thanks to @starstruckzonkoperatorbat, @notoriouscs and @simplyaiden-blog for asking me to tag them! Love y’all <3

Rating: T

Pairing: Drake x MC

Words: 3861

Now this was a day Drake had looked forward to! He strolled along the marina, wearing a thin white cotton t-shirt, enjoying the gentle breeze tickling his face and the briny tang in the air. 

Boating was one of the few things that made him feel like himself and, even better, he didn’t have Liam to compare himself to because he hated sailing so much. The corner of his lips quirked up as he remembered his and Liam’s first and only attempt at sailing as teens.

It had been Drake’s idea, of course, eager as ever to get away from the palace and stuck up noble’s taunts. Liam had agreed readily enough, though, after a day full of boring meetings. The King and Queen must have known, even then, that Leo abdicating was a possibility and had insisted Liam receive the same education. They might have hoped Leo would yield his position, in fact; it didn’t take a genius to know the difference between the half-brothers’ temperaments made Liam far more suitable for the throne.

“Are you sure they won’t catch us?” At thirteen, Liam was already very tall, but the usual awkwardness that accompanies this stage seemed to have spared him.

“Positive. My dad told me he would be training the new recruits today, so no one will even come near the marina!” Drake was even taller than Liam, and skinnier. He, unfortunately, did move with the clumsiness that comes from not recognizing your own body. He wasn’t nearly self-conscious enough to be embarrassed, though. Actually, he was a lot freer or somehow... lighter back then. He didn’t have that much of a chip on his shoulder yet.

Liam got on the boat while Drake untied it from the pier and hopped on after. 

“You ready?”

Liam nodded excitedly. Drake unfurled the sails and set them off. He occasionally gave Liam, who was less experienced, instructions, which he followed diligently. It felt good to be the captain, for once.

The wind suddenly died down and they took the opportunity to dangle their legs off the boat. Taking in the view, they dipped their toes in the frigid water, which was a relief in the humid heat. They were still relatively close to the shore, but if they looked in the opposite direction, they could pretend they were out at sea, just the two of them, no court, no responsibilites...

“Drake, do you think I could be a good king?”

Drake turned to look at his best friend who was gazing intently into the water.

“What makes you ask that?”

“I don’t know. I’m second in the line of succession, it could happen.”

“Do you want it to?”

“I’m not sure... I think I do. I want to help Cordonia somehow and if I am not king, then what can I do? That is all I’ve been taught.”

“Calm down, Simba, I’m sure you could find ways to help even if you’re never king.”

Liam shoved him at that, laughing. “Fine, but you haven’t answered the question.”

“Shit, I don’t know, man.”

Liam grimaced and Drake continued hurriedly. “I mean, I can’t know, ya know? But if you’re as good at being king as you are at being a person, then sure.”

“You think I’m a good person?” Liam smiled.

“Duh. I wouldn’t be here with you if I didn’t... A good person for a noble, obviously.”

“And you’re not too bad for a commoner.” 

The usual insult lost all its bite when accompanied by Liam’s kind smile, but Drake splashed him nonetheless.

“Hey!” Liam splashed him back.

This continued until they were both soaked and had swallowed more than their fair share of ocean water. They were so absorbed, they didn’t notice the sky growing ominously darker. Not, that is, until they felt drops falling from above.

“Uh oh,” said Drake. 

They both immediately stood up, and Drake set about trying to turn the boat around. The storm was worsening by the second. Gusts of wind buffeted the boat and their small bodies, almost pushing them around. The sails snapped and flapped uncontrollably. Untied ropes flew around and the fixed ones were taut with tension. Drake tried hard not to panic.

Suddenly, he heard a loud knock. It happened so fast, he almost missed the boom hitting Liam and him falling to the water like a rag doll. 

“Liam!”

Drake’s teeth were chattering, from fear or cold, he wasn’t sure, but he imagined it was a bit of both. Before he could talk himself out of it somehow, he jumped in after Liam, roughly around the spot he’d fallen. By the time he reemerged, Liam had, too. He instantly felt stupid for jumping in. 

It’s not like he can’t swim.

They both got back on the boat with much effort. Drake hoisting himself up and then pulling Liam on board. They sat for a few seconds, panting. 

“You-you saved my life,” said Liam between pants.

“Don’t be stupid,” answered Drake but a proud smile was spreading on his face, “it’s not like you can’t swim.”

“Still. You didn’t even hesitate.”

“Yeah, well, you’d do the same for me, right?”

“I would.”

Liam clapped Drake gratefully on the back. The storm showed no signs of slowing down, so Drake got to his feet decisively.

“Okay, Liam, we need to–”

At that moment, a powerful blast of wind caught the side of the boat and capsized it. Drake resurfaced and looked around for Liam, who’d fallen just a little farther. Drake gestured to him to swim closer. They attempted to right the boat, but the combined forces of two thirteen-year-olds were not enough.

Resigned to their fate, they swam the rest of the way back pushing the boat, hoping against hope they would make it back before they were missed. Sadly, when your best friend is a prince and second in the line of succession, the window of opportunity is pretty narrow, so they had a very angry group indeed waiting for them at the shore.

The subsequent scoldings and punishments were among the harshest either of them had ever suffered, but Drake couldn’t help but smile at the memory now. Oddly, the parts he remembered most vividly about that day weren’t the terror of the storm or the different, but no less awful terror of disappointing their parents. What he remembered most was feeling capable and brave, and like he was a good friend, for once.

He’d been wandering aimlessly up and down the pier during his stroll down memory lane. A low buzz had started growing louder and louder as more nobles arrived for today’s event. Drake sighed heavily, knowing that was all the alone time he’d be getting today. He looked towards the opposite end of the pier, where the suitors and Liam were being surrounded by the press. He caught a glimpse of Riley as she smiled brightly at the reporters, no doubt wowing them as she had done so far. 

He hadn’t noticed he had stopped, but he found himself straining his ears trying to catch a snippet of what she was saying. All he could hear was the cadence of her voice, occasionally mixed with Liam’s, who was standing next to her. She then stood on her tiptoes and kissed Liam on the cheek. His eyes unfocused and he stood there, not seeing anything. After a few seconds, he became vaguely aware that something was bothering him.

“Drake absolutely loooves nobles! In fact, there’s nothing he likes better, except maybe mai tais. You hear that everyone?! Drake drinks mai tais, Drake drinks mai tais, DRAKE DRINKS–!”

He turned around furiously and slapped his hand on Maxwell’s mouth.

“Shut up. I do not drink mai tais.”

Maxwell licked his hand. 

“Ugh! What are you? Twelve?” Drake said disgustedly, wiping his hand on Maxwell’s shirt as the latter laughed.

“Twelve and a half.” He looked at Drake confusedly. “Did you seriously not hear me? I was trying to get your attention for, like, a full minute.”

“I must’ve learned how to tune you out.”

Maxwell let out a great laugh. “HA HA! There’s that classic Drake humor, love it!”

“What do you want?”

“Want? Why would you–” Drake glared at him and Maxwell relented. “Fine, I need a favor.”

“What now Maxwell? I’ll remind you I already said no to being in your dance crew.”

“Oh I’ll get you someday, but it’s not about that! Well, it is a crew, but a different kind... The thing is our boat crew, uh, bailed on us.”

“What? Why?”

Maxwell mumbled something. 

“What did you say? Speak up, dude!”

“Money troubles! We’re having money troubles, okay? Please don’t tell anyone, Bertrand would go ballistic.”

Drake shrugged. “Of course I won’t, man. You forget, I’m the only one here who has actually been through this.”

“You never know, nobles are just better at hiding it.”

“Yeah, I guess it’s easy to hide it when you already have expensive shit to show off.”

“Touché. Anyway, I remember you used to like boats so I was wondering if you could help out?”

“I don’t know, I haven’t been on a boat for a while and–”

“Pleeease?” Maxwell whined. “It would mean so much to me and Riley! She doesn’t even know about this yet, but she’s gonna be so disappointed if we don’t get to race.”

“On second thought, it could be fun to sail again,” Drake agreed quickly, or, as he’d tell himself later, reluctantly.

He and Maxwell boarded the yacht, getting everything ready for Riley. She caught up with them not long after. She waved at Maxwell with a small smile and then grinned as she spotted Drake. He came forward to greet her and tripped on a rope. Riley sniggered and he glared at her.

“Drake? What are you doing here?” She turned towards Maxwell, “Maxwell, didn’t you leave with Bertrand? And shouldn’t there be other people? Like... an actual crew?” She looked around the boat, as if expecting the crew to be hiding.

“Yeah, Maxwell.” Drake pushed him forward. “What happened?”

“Well...” He rubbed the back of his neck, stalling. “I have good news and bad news.”

Riley crossed her arms, bracing herself. “Tell me the bad news first.”

Maxwell sighed in defeat. “The bad news is that the actual crew dropped out... Something about not paying upfront?” He grimaced. “But good news... you still have a crew. In fact, Drake volunteered to help out!” He clapped Drake’s back.

“He ‘volunteered’?” Riley raised an eyebrow skeptically.

Drake smirked. “Maxwell begged me.”

“I thought I was rather dignified,” he defended himself.

“Practically in tears, actually.” Drake’s smirk grew wider as Riley laughed, her eyes crinkling. 

“And you both... know about sailing?”

“I used to own several boats, and Drake is an excellent boatman!” explained Maxwell enthusiastically.

“From what I hear, you’re terrible with boats!” Riley pointed an accusing finger at Drake. “I just heard a story about a capsized boat from Liam that says Drake isn’t.”

“He told you about that?” 

Of course he told her. He was surprised he was as disappointed as he felt. 

Liam told it all wrong, though! From what Addams said, he told it like it sucked! I mean, yeah, it was scary but it was a cool adventure... Of course Liam would mostly remember how worried everyone was ‘cause he’s considerate and not an asshole like I am.

Sure, it was a good story that he would’ve enjoyed telling Riley... or anyone, for that matter, but it wasn’t that big of a deal.

“Okay, that was bad, but after that whole mess, I decided I’d spend a summer learning how to sail properly...” It had been a good one, too. He’d gone out with his dad every weekend, often joined by Savannah and even their mom, sometimes. 

He looked at Riley seriously. “Trust me, you’re in good hands.” She smiled softly and he cleared his throat. “At least mine. Can’t speak for Maxwell.”

“Hey!” he said indignantly.

“Wait, what about Bertrand? Why isn’t he here?” asked Riley.

“His words were, and I quote,” Maxwell swelled his chest importantly in a convincing impression of his older bother, “‘Have we fallen so far? Is this what becomes of House Ramsford?’ And then he muttered something about ruin and reducing our name to rubble and then I hope he went to get a drink or something after that.” Maxwell shrugged helplessly.

Riley giggled. “Sounds about right. What about Tariq? He looks like a guy who could sail a boat.”

Is she serious?! Just when I thought she wasn’t that naive.

Drake burst out laughing, “HA HA ha ha haa.”

Riley scowled at him which only made him laugh harder. “It was only a thought.”

Drake clutched his middle, breathing deeply, and slowly stopped laughing. “Yeah, yeah. I’m sorry to say, Addams, you’re not going to be cruising around like the other ladies. You’re going to have to do some work to help us win. I hope you’re up to the job.”

Riley put her hands on her hips at this, challenging. “Drake, only if YOU can keep up.”

Drake raised an eyebrow. “You’re on, Addams.”

Drake bustled around the boat, tying the last ropes before untying the yacht from the pier.

“Casting off!”

He unfurled the sails and automatically turned his head to see if Riley had been looking. It might have been his ego, but he thought her smile seemed like she was impressed. His chest felt warm.

From their right, Hana waved at them and shouted, “Good luck to you both!”

Both? Oh, ugh.

Olivia’s boat was to their left. She replied with, “I don’t need luck. I know I’m going to win! I hope you both like losing!”

Great comeback. What an idiot. 

He rolled his eyes at Riley, who shook her head sympathetically. She got a determined look on her face. “Maxwell, how do we win this thing?”

Maxwell cheered and Drake wondered at her, feeling almost as proud as if they’d already won the race. “Riley, you’ll be watching the wind indicator for us. Whenever it shifts, tell us, so we can adjust the sails.”

Riley nodded competently and Drake added, “We’ll tell you what else needs to be done as it comes.”

“Sounds doable...” She gave him a small smile that wanted to be confident. He returned it, hoping to reassure her.

Maxwell looked toward the pier, where King Constantine stood with the royal family and the press. “Looks like the race is about to start!”

“Racers, ready!” King Constantine boomed. He put his arm up, pistol in hand.

"Here we go...” Drake said. Riley grabbed his arm and shook it in anticipation. He chuckled. He was about to ruffle her hair when the sound of a gunshot tore through the charged atmosphere.

They barely heard King Constantine’s “And go!” as they all hurried to their posts. Olivia’s boat was off faster than he cared for, but he trusted his skills, if not his companions’. 

Slow and steady wins the race. 

He realized he was staring at Riley and shook his head, continuing his tasks.

Olivia yelled back at them, “I’ll be waiting at the finish line!”

“Hell no. No way carrot top is beating us.”

"NO WAY,” Riley echoed and fist-bumped him. He laughed a little. 

What a dork.

“Hold it steady,” Drake reminded her.

“The wind changed!” Riley shouted.

“Adjusting sails!” Maxwell called back. He did so then went to Riley. “Hey, Riley, tie this down for us! We need to hold the sail in place!”

“Oh, um, okay,” she said half excited, half nervous.

Drake kept a discreet eye on her, not wanting her to think he didn’t trust her to do it right, but also wanting to stay in the race. He shouldn’t have worried, of course; Riley tied the rope with a sturdy sailor’s knot and stepped back to survey her work with a self-satisfied smirk on her face.

“Perfect.”

“It’s okay. Barely in the top five knots I’ve seen in my life,” Drake teased.

“What! I think it’s amazing! But I guess you could say it’s... knot bad,” she replied with a cheesy smile. “Get it?”

“God, Addams!” He shook his head at her, only just keeping his laughter in. “That was terrible! You’ve been spending too much time with Maxwell!”

“Well, you’re never around!” she said reproachfully.

He opened his mouth to reply, though he had no idea what to say to that. 

Does she want to spend more time with me? 

He was saved by Maxwell, who suddenly yelled from up front, “There’s the halfway point! We just have to turn around the buoy and head back to the finish line!”

Drake whipped his head to the front and realized, “We’re coming in too fast! Brace yourself!”

The boat turned sharply to the right, skimming the water. Drake saw Maxwell grab on to a rope and did the same. He turned to look at Riley anxiously, but she seemed to have an iron grip on the rigging, and he felt his breath return. The boat righted itself and they smoothly circumvented the buoy.

Riley let out a sigh of relief. Drake gave her a soft pat in the back and encouraged her, “Let’s keep going. We’re almost there.”

“Wind’s picking up in our favor!” Maxwell informed them.

“Back to stations!” Drake barked. “Addams, secure the jib.”

“And that means to...?” she bit her lip uncertainly and Drake softened his tone.

“Catch the wind coming from behind us!”

“Aye, aye, captain,” she saluted him and followed his instructions, allowing them to finally overtake Olivia’s boat.

“What?!” Drake heard her say. “Make the boat go faster!” she yelled at her crew, to no avail. Their boat had picked up an unstoppable momentum and it would’ve taken a miracle to overtake them. They crossed the finish line with a comfortable lead.

“We did it!” Riley cheered, jumping up and down.

“Wooohooo!!!” Maxwell ran around the yacht with his arms in the air.

“You really pulled through for us, Addams,” Drake said, giving her a one-armed friendly hug. She pushed him off to hug him from the front enthusiastically. 

Well, what the hell. 

He hugged her back and lifted her off the ground. He heard clapping and saw King Constantine and Liam waiting for them on the pier. He put Riley down so fast she almost fell down.

He cleared his throat again. “Um, nice work.”

“Yeah, you too. I mean, I couldn’t– we couldn’t have done it without you.”

He nodded at her and gestured for her to get off the boat first. She made a beeline towards Liam. After a short conversation, she left with Hana, while Liam made his way over to him.

“Where’s Maxwell?”

“I think he went to go talk to Bertrand or something.”

“That was some sailing, my friend.” Liam claps him on the back.

“Thanks. I’ve definitely improved since we were kids, huh? Addams thought I’d still be as bad.”

They start walking together towards the royal yacht to see the regatta.

“Ha, well of course you have! I hope you didn’t mind I told her that story, I was just explaining why I don’t care for boats.”

“Oh. That story is the reason you don’t like sailing?” Drake tried to keep the hurt from his voice.

Liam put his hand on his shoulder. 

Damn it, he knows me too well. 

“I didn’t mean it that way, Drake. It’s actually one of my fondest memories! We were having such a good time before the storm... And it serves as a reminder of why you are my best friend.”

“You need reminders, huh?”

“Constantly, when you’re being a pain in my... rear.”

“Oh, come on, man! Just say it once!”

“I won’t! You know how I have to watch what I say! Even more so now...” Liam grimaced and stopped abruptly, staring pensively at his feet.

“What do you mean now?”

“Are you joking?”

“I mean, unless I suddenly became Tariq and lost all sense of humor, no. What kind of joke would that be?”

They resumed walking.

“Did you not hear my father’s announcement?”

“Nope.”

Liam shook his head at him. “Well, the main point of it was that he is abdicating once the social season is over.”

“WHAT! But that’s so soon! So does that mean–?”

“Yes. I will be king that soon and I am no longer choosing a wife that’ll someday be queen. I am choosing our immediate queen.”

“Shit.” That was really all Drake could say. 

King. That is a tall fucking order. You could not pay me enough to do it, man. Nothing in the world could make me want to be a noble. Not now, not ever. On the other hand, all these girls are gonna be throwing themselves at Liam even more now.

He cracked his knuckles, feeling the urge to punch something.

“I was hoping you’d have more to say...” prompted Liam. Drake realized he’d been quiet for way too long. They arrived at the yacht, which allowed Drake to stall a little longer. As soon as they were on, though, Liam was looking expectantly at him, not even glancing at the race, which was starting.

“I mean, what do you want me to say, man? You seem overwhelmed, but I know this is what you want. So just hold on to that, okay? You can finally help Cordonia, like you’ve always wanted.”

“Right, but what about the suitors?”

“What about them?”

“Now that it is not hypothetical anymore, I believe more than ever I have to put Cordonia’s interests before my heart’s wishes...”

“Well...” The words didn’t seem to want to leave Drake’s mouth, so it took him a second to wrest them out. “What if you could do both?”

“What are you saying?”

“Look, we all know you care about Riley, okay? And like I said the other day, she would make a decent– no, scratch that, a helluva queen. So there you go.”

A waiter passed bearing drinks and Drake blindly snatched two. He’d already drank half of the first in one gulp, when he became aware that the normal thing to do would be to give Liam the second one. He parted with it unwillingly.

“Thank you. And you’re right, as usual. I do not think it’s as simple as that, but there is hope. I just wish there was some way to show her how much she means to me, without giving too much away before the season’s over...”

Liam snapped his fingers. “I’ve got it! The beach party!”

“What about it?” asked Drake monotonously.

“We could ask the chefs to serve something American, to remind her of home and make her feel more at ease. The problem is... what?”

Drake instantly remembered one of Riley’s truths in Two Truths and a Lie being that sloppy joes were her favorite American dish. “Uh, I’m sure I could think of something... You know, being half American and all.”

“Of course! Thank you, Drake! Once again, you’ve helped me more than you know. Someday I’ll have to repay you for everything you’ve done for me.”

Drake waved his thanks aside and strode cheerfully towards the exit.